From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Quick question Date: Sun, 22 May 2005 19:40:10 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > > > > > Why don't objectivists implode when they change their mind? > > > > Ayn Rand fans can change their mind? > > Hey now, there are at least three objectivists who are *not* > fans of Ayn Rand. That's impossible! Everybody loves Ayn Rand! > Randroids have this habit of travelling in a certain direction, > from Republican to Strict-Construction-Constituttional-Libertarian > to libertarian to anarcho-capitalist. Some stop, or die, at some > point along the way. Whether they are truly changing their mind > or just making their mind up is open to debate. Ever notice how the phrase "...is open to debate" is only ever said about things that normal people find extremely boring? Why is that? Why are some things boring? Why are some things very boring? What's boring about boring things which are boring? And why do people love Ayn Rand more than they love me, Ayndy Rooney? Am I boring? If I were boring, how would I know? Because if I were boring, I wouldn't be able to listen to myself long enough to tell me how boring I am. I might just be so respected that nobody has the courage to tell me how boring I am. So let's all think about whether or not I'm boring. What's with everyone wanting to know just how boring I am? I find it boring that I don't know whether I'm boring. I'm Ayndy Rooney, and I may or may not be boring. Maybe if all of our nation's politicans were able to admit that they may or may not be boring, then the world would be a happier place for all Americans. This is loyal American Ayndy Rooney saying, have a boring night. > I think most of them are unwilling to admit that maybe Objectivism > and Rand aren't all they were cracked up to be. She didn't invent, > or even advocate by word or deed, the NIOF principle, and about all > that can be said about libertarian/anarchist theory had been written > before she was born (economic arguments are another matter, but she > did not make them). The only political philosophy to which I subscribe is that there should be complete anarchy, with me in charge of it. > > By the way, Ayn Rand is not going to be happy when I dye my hair > > fluorescent purple next month. [...] I don't like the purple, > > but it's for a good cause, namely, money. > > If meat is murder, then capitalism is rape at worst and prostitution > at best. Hey, I support _consensual_ capitalism. Only taxation is rape. And meat doesn't have to be murder. You could cut a chunk out of a cow without killing it. Hell, cutting a starfish into several pieces gives you several whole starfish next month, so if you just keep eating starfish legs you're actually increasing their population, which is the _opposite_ of murder. And even though meat isn't murder, it's still delicious. > > She should have written more books after she died, just like > > L. Ron Hubbard, though she wasn't as good a writer. > > Only a conniving socialist would say such a thing. Rand was a master > at lampooning caricatures. She would have been the kibologist's > kibologist. She could never have been good at puncturing stereotypes, because she was just a girl. Poor Ayn Rand! -- K. I think she was one of these people who everyone assumes must have been a genius because she had bad hair. AND MY HAIR IS BADDER THAN HERS! I WIN! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: CLans vs Sick Nick Byrne Date: Sun, 22 May 2005 20:20:30 -0400 Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.HAWHAWSPAMTRAP.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > Wow. What an experience. I've been a student of wrestling, from WWE to ECW > to puro resu and luchalibre, since I was about 5. I've praticed in padded > rings, Those are called "bras". > run the ropes, worked out with wrestlers, you name it. But nothing, > and I mean NOTHING, could have prepared me for the sheer adrenaline rush of > hearing your music hit, coming down the aisle, and having people cheer you. > > Also, being jumped on from 5 feet in the air by a 200lb man and his knees. And that's when you get just the right ratio of endorphins on top of the adrenaline. The adrenaline takes the edge off the initial onset of the endorphins so that you can enjoy them as they set in for hours at a time, or months if the guy's knee crushed something important. > I was scheduled to do a run-in early in the show to save the current champ > from a 3-man beatdown. They wanted me to use the traditional folding chair, > but I thought the chain with bicycle D-Lock would be more in flavour. Other bad-guy wrestling weapons you could try: I know a crowbar's been done, but what about a bicycle pump? You could swing it like a bat _or_ put it in the guy's mouth. How about a unicycle? A pizza paddle? A plastic lightsaber filled with stage blood? A real lightsaber filled with real blood? > So the champ (known only as Cyber) is in the ring, ranting, the crowd of > about 500 or so is eating it up. Out comes Nick Byrne, the partner of the #1 > contender (Chris Gort) and rants. Then from behind Chris Gort attacks Cyber > and the beatdown is on: Nick, Chris and their "valet" (read: hawt chy><0r > with teh bqqbies hanging out) on Cyber. Gangsta's Paradise hits and I come > out, kick Gort in the head, and then catch Nick with the chain. The valet > jumps on my back, Cyber pulls her off, gives her a spanking and throws her > to the floor. He hits his finisher on Gort and I get to debut The Hood, > where I position the opponent on my shoulder as if for a running powerslam, > then hoist them up and drop them in a face-first powerbomb. It looks very > impressive but is also easy to take without getting hurt. Hey, I paid to see you hurt people, not give a Penn-and-Teller-style demonstration of how it's fun to pretend I'm the only one who knows it's all a trick! LA LA LA LA I AM NOT LISTENING LA LA LA I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO BUYS THE WEEKLY WORLD NEWS JUST TO LAUGH AT HOW EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD THINKS IT'S COMPLETELY REAL LA LA LA LA LA LA LA NOBODY BUT ME REALIZES McDONALDS FOOD IS DESIGNED TO TASTE BAD LA LA LA LA LA LA > Nick made it look awesome, snapping his head back and writhing while > holding his chest. The crowd popped, but more likely because Cyber > just did a twisting moonsault onto Gort. Ah well. > > So the matches were set, and having done a run-in earlier, the crowd knew > who was coming with the music and gave me a decent cheer. The match itself > was pretrty straightforward, I worked in some nice submissions, a couple > suplexes, and took a few bumps, including one very hard DDT which left me > with a headache until about an hour ago. Serious advice: Read up on everything you can about concussions and their warning signs. 'Cause sooner or later you're going to get one and they're not fun and you may not be able to tell whether or not you have one unless you've spent oodles of time training yourself to stop and think every two seconds about whether you feel funny. > I was booked to lose the match due to intereference, a chair gets slid into > the ring by the valet and I get a drop toehold into it, followed by the > above-mentioned double knee from the top, known as the Sick Bastard. Next > week I get to debut my rapping skills, and also team up with Cyber to take > on Gort and Byrne. I support the Sick Bastard. Wrestling should consist entirely of moves with names like that. Too many of the movies have dainty names like "The Half-Nelson". Even a whole Mike Nelson would still just be a doughy nerd who once wore a dance belt in "Brigadoon". > What's that? What am I planning for the rap? Glad you asked. > > Like Terri with a scythe > I'll make a widow of yo wife > Put an end to yo life > Bring da trouble and strife > Lose? I don't think so > I drink hot sauce like Kibo > Yo mama's a crack ho > I need to hit that yo. > > Wait wait wait, that sounded wrong. I don't mean hit a crack ho, dat's > nasty. Ok OK check this out. You drink hot sauce and you don't approve of crack? What's wrong with you? Hot sauce is an even cheaper drug than crack, therefore even more lower-class. People who don't know who Kibo is would probably just get lost at the abrupt transition from talking about hurting people to talking about Kibo drinking hot sauce. You need a segue. A great thing to do for a bad rap would be to add a line saying something like "I drive a Segway and now I'm gonna make a segue..." while holding up a card saying "PLEASE LAUGH AT MY AWESOME PUN. IF YOU NEED MY SOPHISTICATED VOCABULARY EXPLAINED TO YOU, PLEASE CONSULT ANY REPUTABLE DICTIONARY AT YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY. WERD!" > Yo ass is a monkey and I'm gonna spank it > > Nah nah nah dat ain't right either. "Yo' ass is a monkey and I'm gonna spank it all night" should appeal to the wrestling audience, especially if they know what masturbation is. It would take a little practice to deliver that line with just the right pause in just the right place to separate the "I'm gonna spank it all night" part from the rest of the sentence in the most perfectly awful manner possible. > I'm stuck there, but I have 6 days to save^H^H^H^H fix it. Hmm, drinking hot sauce raises all sorts of possibilities for a bad guy. Get one of big quart bottles of Tabasco, wash it out, fill it with V-8, drink half the bottle -- and then spit a mouthful in someone's face. It'd probably still sting their eyes, since tomato juice is pretty acidic, but I'm sure you're not wrestling against total wusses. If you think that's too mean, you could always just pour the fake hot sauce over your own head right before grappling. something something Tabasco something something hurt yo' ass so something something something is it chili in here or is it just me, yo And wear a T-shirt with Andy Kaufman's face on it. The crowd'll hate you for sure, especially if you pay off Jerry Lawler to help you. Also, if you're wrestling in Canada, your rap should tell the audience that they're almost as dumb as hockey fans. That might incite them to riot and rush the ring so you could then beat up hundreds of people! The possibilities are endless when you're as evil as Andy Kaufman but actually have muscles and aren't just wrestling for the frottage! -- K. If you _are_ just wrestling for the frottage, you may have to change your theme music. Ennio Morricone sounds right for frottage. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: CLans vs Sick Nick Byrne Date: Sun, 22 May 2005 20:35:20 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > Chris Lansdell (lansdellicious@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > I was booked to lose the match due to intereference... > > Do you mean these matches aren't the real deal? Does the House > SubCommittee on Wrasslin' know about this? I thought he was up in Canada, since one of his E-mail addresses ends with sympatico.ca just like Etienne Rouette's. And the Senate has no authority over Canada, which is a lawless land where the only government is a Queen and three Mounties, only one of whom speak any English, and he still can't talk because he has to work undercover as a "living statue" street mime in white bodypaint in Montreal. In this frozen anarchy, beavers and moose run wild in the streets, mauling fur trappers and donair hunters alike. The people are constantly rioting, and the only way to avoid them is to go some place quiet like the Bata Shoe Museum, and that's _too_ quiet. The anarchy is further exacerbated by the fact that all Canadians are drunk all the time, even in years when the NHL isn't playing. I tell you, the Senate should annex Canada to put a stop to all this and make it as civilized and clean as the Federal Triangle. > New Kenny Chesney song: "Booked to Lose." > > Congratulations, I guess. Hey, it's closer to winning a pro wrestling match than I will ever come. Unless they change the rules to allow cattle prods. And change the rules again to disallow cattle prods for anyone else. -- K. Clans, if you were to refuse to throw the match, and then left via the fire escape, and then ran into Ving Rhames on the street, could you please tell Bravo not to completely delete my favorite character from the TV version of the next scene? Also, can you find out what's under Ving's Band-Aid? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Irate "Star Wars" fans _almost_ riot, that is, they get sorta cranky Date: Sun, 22 May 2005 21:46:44 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Kibo will probably make fun of me for this, but [...] You know, once you say "Kibo will probably make fun of me for this," it really doesn't matter what you put after it. It's the Internet's official "KICK ME HARDER" sign. > I thought the "Star Wars Porn" skit they did on Conan O'Brien last > week was one of the best things I have seen on the show. You mean week before last. Remember, the United States is in a time zone one week ahead of Australia. Unless you mean the 3:35am showing that has the first half of the monologue missing, in which case you get the same episodes we do. (It's on twice a night -- they show week-old ones from 3:35 to 4:30 when the morning news begins, but instead of cutting off the last five minutes of music and credits, they cut the first five minutes.) If you're watching those episodes that are missing the first five minutes, you haven't been getting to see Joel "warm up" the audience. He's getting better with that whip. Hardly takes any eyes out any more. -- K. And notice I did _not_ make fun of you for that. However, I shall now make fun of you for being afraid I would make fun of you, you fraidylemur. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Goat. Date: Mon, 23 May 2005 03:02:55 -0400 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: I Saw Star Wars III. May 22, 2005. > > Yes on Saturday May 22, 2005 at 12:15 PM, just after noon I saw > the latest version of Star Wars. I loved it and recommend that > everyone go see it. It was great and the kids and I chapped our > hands at the end of the movie. I generally don't like movies that peel my skin off. Also, the chaps go on your legs, not your hands. So are you a cowboy or a biker? -- K. The Village People need a Darth Vader. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: Re: Misuse of library. Date: Mon, 23 May 2005 07:28:26 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) found this article about a library masturbator: > > [www.dailynorthwestern.com] > -> > -> A 21-year-old man arrested Monday at University Library told > -> police he goes to there to get sexually aroused by female > -> students, University Police said. > -> > -> [...] > -> > -> UP arrested Gentles at about 2 p.m. Monday on a trespassing > -> charge, after a female Weinberg senior told police a man > -> stood 2 feet behind her in the library's first-floor > -> reference area pretending to speak on his cell phone, but > -> muttering "sexy feet" between sentences. Franky, I don't unsexy librarians understand what they're unsexy librarians complaining about unsexy librarians in this unsexy librarians article unsexy librarians. Excuse me, I gotta go take a cold shower. Again. > -> She told The Daily she immediately recalled that her roommate had > -> told her that on May 6 a man was masturbating near her on the fifth > -> floor of the library and chanting "sexy feet." The roommate, a > -> Medill senior, told The Daily she was sitting barefoot at the time. Maybe he was saying "smelly feet smelly feet smelly feet". So is this shoes-optional library also shirt-optional? > -> She said did not report the incident to police. Both students > -> refused to have their names printed. > -> > -> "After about 10 minutes (of hearing the man mutter), I realized I > -> wasn't playing games with myself," the Weinberg senior said. So, apparently, this is not suspicious: "SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET" <-- for 9 minutes But this is: "SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET" <-- for 10 minutes > -> Although she didn't see the man masturbating, she said she wouldn't > -> rule out the possibility because she heard heavy breathing and an > -> unzipping sound coming from the direction of the man. "Hark! I detect a highly directional unzipping noise!" How does she know it was an unzipping noise and not a zipping-up noise? Scientists everywhere say that zipper noises are invariant whether they are moving with or against the pull of gravity. Maybe the guy realized his fly had been open all day and was trying to zip up before she saw him because he's a prude, like people in libraries are supposed to be. I bet his lawyer will use that argument to help him get off in court. OKAY SO I STOLE HALF A SENTENCE FROM AN OLD PEE-WEE HERMAN JOKE! THAT'S NOT A CRIME! IT'S LIKE STEALING A LIBRARY BOOK NOBODY WANTS TO READ! > -> Gentles told police he was not masturbating at the time, but > -> admitted to doing so at the library on other occasions, > -> McAleer said. > > What a defence! Maybe those times were from seven point one years ago, before the Statute Of Limitations expired. So it's okay. The question is whether he's allowed to say "SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET" for nine minutes total during his life time, or nine minutes during each indiscretion. The librarians should be stopwatching the masturbator so they'll know whether they can stopwatching him. -- K. Oh jeez, Cookie Monster is on my TV and now he has dreadlocks. My childhood has just been retroactively ruined. COOKIE MONSTER SHOULD NOT HAVE FUNNY HAIR, JUST FUNNY EYES! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Introducing his opponent... Date: Mon, 23 May 2005 22:52:13 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.HAWHAWSPAMTRAP.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > > > > > Making his CEW debut, From very East Bronx, weighing in at less > > > than yo mama, Mocha Latte! > > > > And I was just about to suggest "Vanilla Mayo" or "Ritz Cracka". > > "Mocha Latte" sounds like what Halle Berry's character would have > been named if Melvin Van Peebles had written a Bond movie. > > By which I mean IT IS A NAME FOR A GURL. So he could spell it Mo Chalatte. What's so hard about that? Anyway, the Bond character's full name would be Lotta Mocha Latte. > > > The final decision was that the character would be more "over" as a > > > bwigger with an ambiguosly gay trait, > > > > "Virginia Slim". > > > > Besides, aren't all pro wrestlers already gay-vague? I mean, some of > > 'em still wear singlets! > > So, perfect, basically. I believe the phrase you want is "a little _too_ on-the-nose" if you want to get the point across with the proper je ne sais queer. Also, there's still the question of the proper "color story" for his couture. Apparently the word "palette" is outmoded. Now we have color stories. Eventually we may have the first color novel, or maybe the first color TV series. Did I spell "couture" right? (If not, don't actually tell me.) -- K. Anyway, Clans, you have a plenty better name than Bad Boy Batty Bat or Lex Dangler. I also note that the CEW roster (if I'm looking at the right page -- at least three different web sites claim to be the official CEW site, and all are very old) includes a wrestler named Seaman White, so you might want to advise the first three rows that they may get splattered when the Seaman hits the Mocha. Eww. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I'd hate to see their solution to the spam problem. Date: Tue, 24 May 2005 19:23:39 -0400 [www.expatica.com] -> -> Deliberate spelling mistakes on new ID cards -> -> BRUSSELS -- A new Belgian electronic identity card contains typos -> introduced deliberately to confound potential fraudsters, Belga -> reported on Tuesday. -> -> Three circular arcs beneath the identity photos contain the name -> of the country in its three official languages -- French, Dutch and -> German -- as well as in English. -> -> But instead of 'Belgien' in German, the ID cars incorrectly say -> 'Belgine' and instead of 'Belgium' in English, they say 'Belguim'. Then how do we know which is which? When can't "Belguim" be the German one and "Belgine" be the English one? Or maybe "Belguim" is Japanese and "Belgine" is Klingon? (Anyone who spots both the Japanese and Klingon errors will be arrested for being the world's biggest otaku and sent to nerd camp.) -> According to Luc Vanneste, of the government department in charge -> of issuing the cards, other errors will be printed on the card to -> further confound fraudsters. I'd like to remind everyone that the official currency of Kibonia has "THIS IS COUNTERFEIT" printed on it. Any counterfeiters who want their money to look "real" will change it to "THIS IS NOT COUNTERFEIT". Any money which says it's not counterfeit is, and vice versa. Also, be on the lookout for any news bulletins which say "THIS IS NOT A SCAM", "THIS IS A SCAM", or "THIS IS NOT NOT A SCAM". Everything they say is a lie. Unless it isn't, just because that's what they'll be expecting. ALL CITIZENS WILL EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED. IMPLEMENT OPERATION EPIMENEDES. -> A similar system has proved successful in the United States. All spelling errors everywhere within the United States are part of their master plan. Also, if you're an American and you've ever misspelled a word, the government owes you money for working on their behalf. Those who claim to have never misspelled a word will be executed for fibbing, according to the elevendy-threeth appendment to the Untied States Constipation, signed by Archie Bunker, Rocky, Fonzie, and Yogi Berra. Other countries should respect the USA's right to spell things however it wants to, or they'll be nukulated. -- K. Look for the gripping tale of international intrigue, Robert Ludlum's "The Epimenedes Paradox", in the Dumpster behind your local library. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'd hate to see their solution to the spam problem. Date: Tue, 24 May 2005 23:48:18 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> BRUSSELS -- A new Belgian electronic identity card contains typos > > -> introduced deliberately to confound potential fraudsters, Belga > > -> reported on Tuesday. > > I'm thinking that this is their PR covering up a genuine mistake. It's > quite clever on their part, to feign intentional misspellings. And the way they renamed "stinkwads" to "Brussels sprouts" just to fool us into thinking that the reason ours taste so bad is that they weren't grown in downtown Brussels like the real ones. Also, in addition to those blocky waffles that look like giant Lego bricks, they have those other flat fried licorice-flavored waffly things called "pizzles". I looked up "pizzle" in the dictionary and it doesn't mean anything nice. You know, I would like to make my own ravioli. I suppose I should look for a ravioli press that will stamp tiny letters "RAVOILI" around the edge to keep people from copying my recipe. -- K. Is it legal to use bacon instead of dough for sausage ravioli? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'd hate to see their solution to the spam problem. Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 18:26:05 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You know, I would like to make my own ravioli. > > > > I suppose I should look for a ravioli press that will stamp tiny letters > > "RAVOILI" around the edge to keep people from copying my recipe. > > PART I: VOYAGE TO RAVOILI Waah! You made an extremely obscure reference before I even finished shopping for canned ravioli I could cut open and cannibalize for parts to make my own ravioli because I can't afford one of those expensive three-dollar plastic ravioli presses! So you've made one thing and I haven't made any! Well, at least while I was lying in bed today I figured out a more efficient way to replace air with argon. However, I don't think that would make the ravioli taste any better. And now, a blastoma from the past: 1999's celebration of how hard it is to think like Manley Hubbell. /////////// RE-RUN BEGINS ////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Can YOU find Manley Hubbell in this stack of random squiggles? Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 00:03:39 GMT Attached are seven articles that Manley Hubbell posted to sci.geo.geology. They are all quoted in full. Except, some of the seven are fakes. Can you spot the fake Manley Hubbells? Hint: The fakes were brilliantly fabricated by Leah Verre and Louis Nick. (I couldn't possibly master the art of writing like Manley Hubbell.) And now, without further ado, after the special "^L" character which is supposed to make your computer ask you to press the space bar but will just make you think these articles have become garbled in transit, I present... SEVEN REAL AND/OR FAKE MANLEY HUBBELL ARTICLES! -- K. Article #1: //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Tuesday The Top Ten feeT & A Alvord A 6 ? 40 J ?Ob 4 Me TT, written in the Anthro pages, NOT in Geo as i guess it's to up close & personal. My favorit ref Archeology of Oregon C.M. Aikens -------------------------------------------------------------------- p227-8 Rogue, Coquille Marial, Applegate (Phases) p144 Windust, Cascade, Tucannon (phases) p190 Looney, Enola, Dolph, Quad, Calapooyna, Senecal, Champoeg, Winkle, Ingram, Horseshoe [Units] (Balster & Parsons 1968) ================================================================ depending on the page number of course the Top Twenty Five to 50 feet have as many names as there are pages/ probably more as each page contains several arangements of letter strings ::::::::::::::::::: i'm sticking to AaA for now though :::: Well Mg? I've finish my starting script for 2kEposodic in the first cut I gave it 400yr active 1600yr "QUIET" 400/2000 = 20% "A" bell shape 400yr curve in 20ea 20yr segments / ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ \ each 20 yr uplift averge 9 feet at the coast {?:= 1'/2yr} 4.5 feet inland valleys {1'/4yr} 2 feet in the cascade range (Mt St. Helens, Hood, Raineer) 1 FOOT at the Alvord ( ever 20 year {for 400 year} ) = 20 feet? ======================20'/400yr of 2000 yr cycle?=============== recreation from first attempt at cross corelation of ? `MAJOR' EPOSODIC "UPLIFTs" in the Pacific Northwest | beach | terris | Valley Plains alvord DATE | sands Twalitin Valley | Vancouver Lake elev ???? | sea 120 Jackson bottom | sea0 tide flats 4000 2000 | 150 200' north plains | 80? 4020 000 | 350 :::::::::::::::::? | 160' 4040 -2K | | 240' fourth plains 4080 -4-6? ? ///////////////////?//////////////////////////////// 750 300' Mill plains ============================================================= it seams very certain to me that these features seperate as they are, each document the same Eposodic Events (EE). Even thoght the dates given may be "OFF" by several orders still it remains my 1st guess of when in cronological order 2kEE took place :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::TT:::::::::::::::::::: Really theres not much doubt that here for the most part "The Top Ten Feet" are Clay, in fact the top 25 feet. And that that clay had bio origins seams clear to me. but its not at all clear that it was the same groups of FunGi that put the product in place. though i `poise that whomever was in charge did the deed at aproximatly the same rate of deposition, for most of the deposit. Because ? Assumption 1 said the rate of deposit aproaches some Average value And that that value does not add up the the amount already in deposit Something sure seams {{ um how should I say it }} to be missing? "MISSING" well thats my guess so there must be mini eposodics that take out much that does get lain down by the "FunGi" doono but i'm looking for the "CLAY" new numbers from Mg's posts. I can say that much with some confidence. :: :: this was a reposting of the 810 post :: :: from ::: down _____ine 60 3:41 A.M. PST from The "INNER" Solar System Article #2: //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Monday Search4_S... & Black Bird's B ? > 40 scale SUN 26LE55 990820 URA 14AQ21 (==< incomming from Uranus ? | :** : **: | == | *:"Leo" SUN Pisces :*cassio| http: | 12== [E] ==24 | //www | *:Virgo : Aquarius :* | .planets | :** : **: | .org ==================================or m31?=========================== Assume for .1 sec, that intelligance, was being sent from afar Lemme say from M31 (Andromeda) beyond a million light years away Such that contemporanious communication, useing electro/magnetic waves or light would be inpracticle. Thus Gravity Wave Modulation might be considered, unhampered by the speed limit inposed onlight. So the question arises, with me, Why are earthlings so bound up in the fundy allo trap as to be unable to provide even one functional "WEB" site, of conteperanious Gravity wave data, here on earth, much less on several points within the Solar System?/? ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: To me, in as much as the actual detector has been documented decades ago, still fundy's poor usless allocations into some mindless, just spend it, scheme, of Lazer light reflection's Boo, BOo, BOO. I say its wrong, wrong, WRONG.!. to continue with the current mind set. Give some ten year old kid the chance and we would have the information available on the web in less time than it takes Cassini to reach orbit. Who's responcible really. I hope she has Ps in her Pants. Yeah, so whats my excuse? Good question, I've fought with the simple input of audio into MY DOS for a long time. right now its the transition from Audio to 5V that gets me down. Whatever, the curse, at least i'm NOT on the Laser Light show scenario, and can tell you that YES indeedee the Suns getting active enought to produce output and 8645-7(7/24) 8674-5(8/20) were sparkling examples, where ever you can find that data. Disclamer? No I cannot 4sure say it was 47 74 as i've no know way to establish numbers to X-ray DATA but its close 4 sure, and a better 1st approximation than I see comming from elsewhere.

SUNs SPOT (ver 1 2 3)









??????????????????????????? so are we now getting the expected ..._ ..._ ..._ ._ . ~.~ about a month/dit dah about Christmass, on the 10.4 Year GW carrier? ______ LINE 50 in editor 5:01 A.M.PST from The "INNER" Solar System Article #3: //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Thursday Erge2erg & Greater Craters 0 ? 24 erg ?Cr 99-08-31 3804 Mon 30 Manley Hubbell S4 3805 A J Manley Hubbell your Web site ? 3932 All cmhall@umich.edu Re: The geology of 99-09-01 4363 All ajohnson@t-online.de Pyrite or =?iso-8859-1?Q? 4365 All mcdonald@ukonline.co Re: your Web site? - Ma 4377 All ajohnson@t-online.de Re: your Web site? - Ma 4398 All ajohnson@t-online.de Re: your Web site? - Ma 5330 All pyats@wt.net Re: Pyrite or not# 5570 All singtech@telestream. Re: Whose c sequential LIST here no deletions or additions {line lengths cut4} ------------------------------------------------------------------ theres a lot of truth to the ERGE2, but instead i'll try Narration. First i'll reLOOK at the Pyrite, at the lower right. A Scale would be of assistance if included on the margin beside this specimine sample. ==================================================================== I spend considerable time, at a computer store, run by an older hindo gentelman. And considering, the fact that i'm not allowed to set foot in the university, i consider it a high privledge. People of all nationalities come there, many not even speaking english. I refer to it as a "THREE Ring CIRCUS" here in Portland, Oregon; USA; N.A. ????? ANYWAY last week an older, German speaking gentlman came in, asking to buy a German keyboard for his computer. after a few minutes one was sold to him and he left. The next day, he returned saying the the german keyboard did NOT work, and got his money back. I did offer one comment about "code pages" & the Hindo translation of my comment was :" country.sys ":. I felt sad when the gentleman left, but to me watching the excange [ of monies ] from afar, there was not time to follow the story line to a logical conclusion. NOR could I put a copy of code pages into the discussion QUICKLY enough. Sorry sir. anyway2: Some of the discussion between the two was directed to the Y key which {i'm just guessing} was located next to the X key on the keyboard under discussion. such that Y X not Z X would be ajacent keys (Lower "LEFT") row of keys {other end from < > ?} ::::::::::::::::::::::::::: G C ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I do have a ZX81 (british) computer that I saved just as some might save other items. ON that keyboard [ 10 by 4 = 40 keys ] the lower copy clear cont left keys are [SHIFT] [Z :] [X ;] [C ?] . . . . . [Space] ln exp at ------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------- 99-08-12 accident while crater-hunting in Australia, became the first human to ---------- 99-08-11 interested in dune fields isolated within large impact craters ---------- 99-08-10 cratered surface ever observed. Previous encounters by the G ---------- 99-08-09 old craters one of the circles I swing on the globe does center the the rime remnet of that inpact crater. Never mind this argument th Why don't you tell us the names of the rifting zone and the impact and sealed locations. There is no need to invoke an extraterrestria _____LINE 57 12:22 A.M.PST from The "INNER" Solar System Article #4: //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Wednesday cALENDER aND nATURAL dISASTER -12- Hps>_log(m) |Subject: Re: Reunion question |Date: 08/02/99****************************************** | |The Piton de la Fournaise is basaltic shield volcano on |Reunion Island in the western Indian Ocean. |The volcanic island of Reunion is about 700 km (434 miles) east of Madagascar. |It is one of the most active volcanoes on Earth, with more than |100 eruptions in the last 300 years. |It was built on Piton des Neiges, an older extinct ----------------------------------------------------------------- Last month there was an Earth qauke in Turkey. Not to say that the connection between the calendar [any calendar of 12 months, American] will reflect for long the patter of disasters by nature. I have connected all naturel Disasters to small - order fourier Patterns in a 12 - month calendar. **It is hard enough** to record in the Calendar toll and other Data, and I am searching at this time for a source. on the Internet. But it is NOT a prospect. ???? Because The Internet was invented without regarding the Principle of completion!! I HAVE this data from UH Social Science ( LIKE ANOTHER SCIENCE ) Table shows months initials and by death toll of natural disasters. (Starting 1984) * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * ** * * * * * * * ** * * * * * ** * *** ***** **** ** *** * * * * * *** * MAMJJASONDJFMAMJJJASONDJFMAMJJASONDJFMAMJJASONDJFMAMJJASONDJF ( INCREASE IN GROUPS shown UPWARDS / highest set of deaths TOP ) Without repetition, I say that the series is generated as irrat- ional pattern of humps /\\/\//\///\\/\/\///\\\//\\//\\\/\ which form asorted minipatterns within a large framework. With a distributed node-list in cyberspace can generate a solution to forier (4EA) just as atoms will generate solutions to Boyle's gas law - in calculation by mechanical means og interaction. Resonent features of the Earth's crust and mantle can predict with this solution the same way??? ================================/\..? .../|\=================== Here is the next data set with ANNUAL Data but it has first Mean values /=-=-=-=-=-=-=\ ( column is Years - data from peaks ) 01 7615----------11036+11326 --> 02 900---1265+1338 03 959--1344+1418 04 1419-----2808+2865 05 3103--4359+4658 06 1153-----1645+| 07 1095-----1524+| 08 4648--------6254+6620 09 3862-----------5400+| 10 2960--------4680+| And NO UPPER LIMIT in 4 of 5 last years??? Because this momen- tary stability of natural causes is an interruption ( data - sensitive ) in the Pattern of Prediction. PoP@ I have seen that if a pattern is apparent ( of any Scale) to a person then Nature changes Pattern of Effect PoE@ <========= for single data set but whole data is constant +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Assumption 1: Collection of the data is conected directly to a natural episodic events DIRECTLY :: "METHOD" and collector of the data is consistent. And there is no where natural effects are controled. _____INE 74 1:04 A.M.PST from The "INNER" Solar System Article #5: //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Saturday Voyage to Gravolti. (-24) ?-6,-12,-18,-24,-40 __d3__ clock 3: Planets orbits the Sun // Planets Spin on axis YEAR ?/:/? day *********[ PREPOSED TABLE of metaPHYSICAL UNITS ]********* ^1.? ^2 VELO |-------erg0---^3-----| ? ^4 ? TIME LENGTH CITY FORCE {fudge}[e6] WORK POWER MASS {--default--} &Acc {factor} energy {default} us ?-16 _raff e-30 #construkt !plank fg(-15) ms ?-9 _felt e-24 #gravolti !graft ag(-12) ms ?-4 _rif e-18 #parton !part pg(-9) cs mm _sta 1.6 e-12 eVolt !surge ug(-6) ds mm mm/ds _lyte e -6 #bolt !merg mg(-3) s cm cm/s dyne 1 e 0 erg ! gram(UNIT) SEC METER M/S NEWTON 10 e 6 Joule WATT kg( 3) ?hr M _warm 3.6 e 12 kWhr !cty Mg( 6) ?11hr kM KM/Hr _blite 4.2 e 18 kTonn !boom Gg( 9) ?day ?+4 _shake e 24 #Rh.ictar !rattle (12) ?14 3/4d?+9 _wiew e 30 #Tp.actor !wtcht (15) ?yr ?+16 _sheen e 36 #Sf.un !flue2 (18) ??Myr ?+25 _puff e 42 #O___blartor !wowe (21) { _ preposed words for units of force for each scale level} { # preposed words for units of energy for each scale level} { ! preposed words for units of power for each scale level} -------------------------------------------------------------- it should be pointed out once again that one of the prime ideas of my voyage to smaller & smaller units of energy { MOVING UPWARDS IN THE above table = downwards in e levels } will be an assumption about the concept of Time dialation or constriction. Such that as MASS, POWER, ENERGY, FORCE, ACCELERATION/VELOCITY, & DISTANCE. become smaller & smaller the interval of the time units itself becomes effected. At this level ( erg*E-6 ) in most instances, the default time unit interval ds (DecaSecond) {.1 sec} amounts to 1/10 the default unit of time of the next higher(LOWER) LEVEL erg*e0, and very little interval streching, compression takes noticable place, and few if any additional or removed DS's are added or deleted to keep the miligram comprehensible. In the above the "STEP" used as a standard was applied to the Energy column's and 1,000,000 times was the Step chosen. within the metaphysical Tables of course other columns other than the central (energy) column could be focused upon, for example the default unit of mass could be used. at these default demension currenty thought by me to be the decasecond and mm would supposedly be the milligram. Alass the table itself, clearlys not engraver upon go;d tablets, or even in concrete. As soon as the big step into another realm of deminsion's would be taken ( see below ) __d4__ clock 2: electrons orbit proton // electrons spin ***[ PREPOSED TABLE of quantmPHYSICAL UNITS ]******** ns Angstrom of course things really start to distort, so much so that even the structure of the TABLE itself goes " missing " AND I would add in my scheme of things 5 seperate and distinct ?" CLOCKs "? or dimensions exist beginning with __d1__ clock 5: thru__d3__ clock 3: to__d5__ clock 1: with D3.clock3 defigning the current table ----WELL ENUOGH BS and moving on twards gravolti (erg*E-24) the moon orbits earth ( in a varying time period ) with some average interval, perhaps between 29 and 30, and may become 30 exactly at some unknown time in the fyture (maybeNOT2 ____LINE 60 7:42 A.M. PST from The "INNER" Solar System Article #6: //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// `HUB'pub#JD=2451425.SFR for Lunar phaze prior to 09-03-1999 <--------- O25 -- Lull+ --- Trigger -><- CA WEEKLY -summery-> 09-03-1999 O= 5 LUL+= 13 T= 6 Ca Q# = 47.3 BIG1 3.1 08-27-1999 O= 0 LUL+= 6 T= -1 08-13-1999 O= 5 LUL+= 21 T= 14 ^----^ 25daySF ^ LULL@1st.1/4 ^ ^ CaWkQ# SUM &BIG1 ^ 980829 SF plot shift L13, 702=0, 990722 R? 990220 gain= SF/4, 990702 SF/5, 990722 SF/7 JUNE99 REALIGNMENT of the columns: 1Dt 2## 3Sf 4Ca 5L: 6Eq <- -> SF site = gopher://solar.sec.noaa.gov/00/latest/DSD (. .) http://quake.wr.usgs.gov/QUAKES/WEEKREPS/weekly.html [ ] EQ site = http://www.iris.washington.edu/SPYDER/ spyderdata/data1998/catalog1999.2 28 # 8651?- 198 4 FM 04:25 - 1 5.9 5 29 # 202 ? ' : 30 # 206 14 | ' : 31 # 201 10 | 8 : 01 # 86xx. 216 7 . | 6 6 =33 02 # 213 1 . 5 03 # 211 11 8 1 04 # 200 0 6 LQ 10:27 ' 05 # 177 7 06 # 170 11 07 # 153 12 08 # 138 19 | 09# 138 4 | 10# 127 2 11# 128 8 NM 04:08 12 123 4 1 5.9 13 127 0 14 128 2 | 1 6.4 15 131 11 | 16 131 6 | 17 141 24 1 7.8 18 131 11 FQ 18:47 19 # NUM 135 X-RAY 2 < Lull? 20 # 8673-4? > 152 <20.5M4 7 \ >>>>> 3 17.7 21 # 161 13 22 # 173 11 | 2 12.8 23 # 188 5 | 24 # 202 11 | 25 # 208 15 26 # 222 2 FM 16:48 ?> 5 27 27 # 223 9 28 # 8681?> 248 4 | 3 17.1 29 # 218 2 | 1 6 30 # 198 4 | 31 # 183 11 01 # 163 11 September 3, 1999 Notes for the 1st time in a long long while the 25daySF 4cast# seams to have resyncronized reasonably well? cooralations between ?>'s are very IFFY at best if exists at ALL It would however seam that the anomoulas 5 forA 27 total of 826 would suggest a GW in the inner solar system @ EARTH on that day? POSSIBLY????? a SLOW(2day) inbound which became 8681 trigger@SUN of course here cross cooralations of Gravity Wave Data for other planets in this solar system could indicate some direction, IF only the data DID already EXIST somewhere. OR ?? a fast outbound from 8673-4 { 6 days vs current guess of 9 DAYS } BUT MOST CERTAINLY [ 2me ] Anomoulas & their4 of ISS.GW origin! Ca weekly SUM & big one {recently missing} has returned! yeahhhh.. _________ LINE 62 2:33 A.M. PST from The "INNER" Solar System Article #7: //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Tuesday Voyage Lunar (?) 6.5 B. Ovius 12 ? 41 19. I Leo = ? 1.43 Libra * = sun - Assume I Realignment (?) = moon - Given ================== Or . ? =================== as It was originally reported in (alph. 1 4.) I have reLOOKed delphi! Lemme assume innar = solar. Thus i have determind @<<<<<< =>>>>>>@intelligance to be ))))))))))))))))))) (((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))post alligned but dependant on order 2kEE (??) to be disposed. given it is @@@@@@@@@@@@@ a trademark utilization, the first three layers (reposted JUNE99 ))))))))))))))))))) (((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))) REALIGNMENT of the columns: [ IIIIII ]1Dt 2## 3Sf 4Ca 5L: 6Eq). But what is my intention? Ah! To much as the actual distorter has been set & *)))))))))))))) **& <--------- 1./65 aside, it is in fact a given assumption! (?p) Look thus: September 96 notes review internal thoughts with histogram. it is this plan that is responcible for loose soils. ? @@@<<<<<<<<<<< )))))((())I @ >>>>>>>>>@@@ I would add to this assumption three distinct (curious!) places or * intromolicules * in this direction: __6(?)__ assume 5: thru__17__ given 4: to__17__ reveal = 1: ~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ %&* ~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ !!! %%% with 6/5 defigning the current address. SO: Possibility??????? Read ! :&&&&&&&&&&&& *********************************************============================* *************************************************** @)2)@0)) so as MOON reorbits earth ( in confines ) with come average histogrammatical interval, perhaps between 14 **^^**>>>! and .000000 6, and may fyture cause ASSUME!!! again, see the pattern imerges. ! Why don't you tell us why becaus b4 it was a GIVEN!!!!!! finished thought prosess and wiating for Ovius and eposodics. I can say that much with some confidence. ~.~~.~~.~~.~~.~~.~ ..._ ..._ ..._ ._ . ? ______ LINE 600 in editor 5:01 A.M.PST from The "INNER" Solar System /////////// RE-RUN ENDS //////////////////////////////////////////// -- K. I miss the days when there were entertaining kooks instead of just ones even more annoying than me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'd hate to see their solution to the spam problem. Date: Tue, 24 May 2005 23:31:28 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> But instead of 'Belgien' in German, the ID cars incorrectly say > > -> 'Belgine' and instead of 'Belgium' in English, they say 'Belguim'. > > I can see it now, a movement of German shopkeepers and bankers refusing > to accept this ID card, admonishing its holders that, if their government > can't be trusted to spell the name of its own country correctly, it can't > be trusted to identify its citizens correctly, either, and they'll just > have to go get proper German ID cards if they want to prove who they are. It's not about Belgium. Germans just want everyone in the world to have proper German ID cards. And by "ID cards" I mean "tattoos". And by "tattoos" I mean "tattoos of David Hasselhoff". And by "tattoos of David Hasselhoff" I mean "Germans want all speed limits everywhere in the world the lowered to 10kph except on the Autobahn all the Germans can laugh at the rest of us." By which I mean "ID cards". By which I mean "Belgian waffles ain't real waffles 'cause they won't fit in my toaster." By which I mean "Wow, Eggo waffles sure do taste even worse than regular frozen cardboard." And by "frozen cardboard" I mean "the northern half of Germany." Why do you keep changing the subject? Give me back the remote control you darn kids. -- K. I wish I had a nuclear weapon like the ones Germany has. And by "Germany" I mean "David Hasselhoff" and by "a nuclear weapon" I mean "hair". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My ladder of hate Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 02:34:54 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > My killfile performs a valuable service of preventing me from actually > wanting to severely injure those people who annoy me. Then there's something wrong with you. You should be killfiling people so that you can ignore them while still wanting to severely injure them. Because it's fun to fantasize about injuring people who no longer exist in your world. After all, it's not okay to injure actual people, but once you unperson them with that magic control-K button, then you can have hours of fun trying to decide in which order they should lose each of their fingernails to which Sears Craftsman tool. It's too bad Sears doesn't sell electrical torture machines any more. Now they just have clerks who mentally torture you with their stupidity rays. YOU: I would like to buy a pair of pliers. THEM: Here you go. They're $9.95 each, so that'll be at least twenty dollars for two. YOU: No, a pair of pliers is one. THEM: Oh, geez, we can't split up a set. YOU: Forget the pliers... THEM: Forget the what? Duh. YOU: I'll just take a screwdriver. THEM: Sorry, but this is the tool department. YOU: Then, can you give me a hammer? THEM: Not until my lunch hour. And I'm not really sure I know how. Do I have to blow into it? YOU: I think that was an old Chevy Chase joke. THEM: Who's she? YOU: Never mind. Do you have a drill press? THEM: The women's wear department is upstairs. They have lots of drilly sunpresses ubstairf. YOU: This isn't even making sense any more. THEM: Welcome to Sears, loser. Ha ha, you're a loser who shops at Sears! YOU: Screw this, I'm going to K-Mart. THEM: Due to our recent near-bankruptcy, where we were in slightly less terrible financial shape than K-Mart, Sears is now part of the K-Mart corporation. (A SIGN DROPS FROM THE CEILING SAYING "THIS IS NOW A K-MART". EVERYTHING FALLS OFF THE SHELVES ONTO THE FLOOR, AND ALL THE PRICE TAGS DISAPPEAR. A GIANT ROLLING STONE BALL PAINTED TO LOOK LIKE MARTHA STEWART'S HEAD ROLLS IN, CRUSHING EVERYONE.) GIANT RAT: Hey kids! Come visit me next door at Chuck E. Cheese! ANNOUNCER (voice-over): This fact-based drama about how Sears is worse than Chuck E. Cheese was sponsored by Chuck E. Cheese. (FADE OUT.) What were you saying? Oh, yeah, killfile. If you don't like imagining committing violence against people who bore you, you shouldn't use a killfile. Instead, you should put all the other people into a nicefile and cuddle them and wuv them. And you should send them all chain letters because that's how you Pay It Forward. Also, Patch Adams should be involved, dressed as a giant rat, and he should teach you how to wuv by rolling around in a vat of cheez while he kills people by practicing medicine without a license. It'll warm your cockles and kick your heart in the ass all at the same time. Anyone who watches either "Pay It Forward" or "Patch Adams" automatically becomes a good person and goes to Heaven, but note that suicides are disqualified, so don't blow your brain out during the movies even though they're really, really terrible. They make Sears look like Chuck E. Cheese. By the way, you got cheez all over your killfile. -- K. Now put on the rat suit and dance for the kids until they stop throwing stuff at you! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Don't forget to buy your official Constitution Day cards from Hallmark Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 08:14:26 -0400 [www.msnbc.msn.com] -> -> Schools ordered to observe 'Constitution Day' -> -> Feds set aside Sept. 17 for mandatory lessons on document -> -> The Associated Press -> -> WASHINGTON - The Constitution long has ensured that Congress can't -> tell schools what to teach. But that's no longer the case for at -> least one topic -- the Constitution itself. -> -> The Education Department outlined Tuesday how it plans to enforce -> a little-known provision that Congress passed in 2004: Every school -> and college that receives federal money must teach about the -> Constitution on Sept. 17, the day the document was adopted in 1787. YOU WILL OBSERVE "CONSTITUTION DAY" TO CELEBRATE HOW THE CONSTITUTION GRANTS YOU THE FREEDOM TO DO WHAT YOU WANT, OR YOU WILL BE SHOT. THE OTHER 364 DAYS TEACHERS WILL HAVE EVEN LESS FREEDOM TO CHOOSE WHAT TO TEACH AND HOW TO TEACH IT, TO MAKE THEM BETTER APPRECIATE THE FREEDOM OF BEING FORCED TO TEACH "CONSTITUTION DAY". THIS IS IN ALL CAPITALS BECAUSE IT IS COMING OUT OF A LOUDSPEAKER IMPLANTED IN BEDROOM CEILING. -> Schools can determine what kind of educational program they want, -> but they must hold one every year on the now-named "Constitution -> Day and Citizenship Day." And if Sept. 17 falls on a weekend or -> holiday, schools must schedule a program immediately before or -> after that date. What if Sept. 17 is during a year when the Constitution has been suspended because someone in the government thinks there might be a terrorist attack somewhere in the world during the next twenty years? -> Historically, the federal government has avoided dictating what or -> when anything must be taught because those powers rest with the -> states under the 10th Amendment. The Education Department's Web -> site even underlines that point, saying matters such as the -> development of curricula and the setting of course requirements -> fall outside federal authority. The irony of the government unconstitutionally forcing people to celebrate the Constitution isn't just delicious, it's delicious in giant faggy John Hancock cursive. -> [...] -> -> Yet some education groups say Congress has no business dictating -> what schools and universities must do on a certain day. -> -> Some decry 'federal micromanagement' -> -> In middle school or high school, for example, schools may have -> to interrupt lesson plans, said Dan Fuller, director of federal -> programs for the National School Boards Association. -> -> "You may have to leap from the Civil War or Vietnam to the -> Constitution," Fuller said. "Local schools cover the Constitution, -> and they've been doing it for a long time. We don't need the -> federal micromanagement. Congress has been acting more like a -> school board." Yeah, except when a regular school board makes a rule about "detention", it doesn't usually involve a one-way ticket to Guantanamo. -> In higher education, "It's the sort of thing that raises the -> question, 'If this, what's next?"' said Becky Timmons, senior -> director for government relations at the American Council on -> Education, the leading lobbying group for colleges and -> universities. I think we should wait to ask that question until Slippery Slope Day. That's the day when all voice-and-articulation classes are required to change from "slippery sleds slide smoothly down the sluiceway" to "the tangent of a slippery slope is rise over run, and if you don't get a rise out of celebrating Constitution Day, you better run!" You know, July 4th is good enough for me. It's a day when people celebrate the formation of this country, and it's a day which people enjoy celebrating because they don't have to. If someone put a gun to people's heads and ordered them to celebrate July 4th, that would take all the fun out of it for everyone except the person holding the gun. This is why Constitution Day is already ruined even before Hallmark has a chance to do so. -> "If the justification is that the Constitution is so central to our -> democracy, couldn't somebody else come along and say, 'Well, I -> think the history of American architecture is quite important,"' -> she said. "I don't think most folks on campus perceive this to be -> an enormous slippery slope, but it's never good when the government -> tells them what to teach." Well, I think _I_ am very important. All teachers will now be required to observe National Everybody Loves Kibo Day or be subject to immediate disintegration with my Anti-Make-Up-Your-Own-Mind Ray. -> Honor system -> -> Timmons added, however, she was pleased that the Education Department -> seemed to favor an honor system of compliance rather than a -> "nightmarish" plan of site visits or required documentation. The key word there seems to be "seems", which is one of those words people use when they have to say something they know isn't true. Like how when Zork says "The room seems to be empty" when it means that the room is definitely not empty. I wonder what sort of uniforms the Education Department's Roving Constitution Day Enforcement Patrols will wear when they swoop across the country, travelling from school to school to ensure that all the teachers are observing Constitution Day, as well as the following day, Gee Those Enforcement Goons Sure Had Nice Uniforms Day. (It kicks off National Garrison Belt Week.) -> [...] -> -> Department spokeswoman Susan Aspey said "there are enforcement -> options" that may apply but said it is too early to speculate on -> what happens if schools don't follow the law. -> -> "We expect institutions to comply," Aspey said. I am now imagining the Department Of Education is run by someone with a monocle on one side and an eye patch on the other, holding a cigarette in a long holder, saying "Ve expect inztitutions to comply -- MEIN FUERHER, I CAN VALK!!!" Sorry, I've seen "Doctor Strangelove" too many times. Fortunately, the entire genre of cutting satire has been eliminated by the movie industry, so future generations will not grow up with their brains getting poked and jostled and corrupted by anything more "satirical" than "Shrek". It's kind of depressing to think that the heaviest political satire in movies lately has been "Star Wars". Probably means we're due for another remake of "To Be Or Not To Be", except with all references to "Nazis" and "Jews" and "concentration camps" changed to "kitties" and "puppies" and "sugar-free cotton candy" so as not to offend anyone. DAMMIT PEOPLE SHOULD BE OFFENDED BY EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME! -> The department's guidelines direct schools to Web sites for -> information, including the one run by the National Archives. -> -> The federal law championed by Byrd also affects all federal -> agencies. They will have to train new employees about the -> Constitution during orientation and train all employees about the -> document every Sept. 17. The Office of Personnel Management is -> expected to post guidelines in those areas soon. Well, these new September 17 rules are going to make Elvira's birthday parties a lot less fun. Other famous September 17 birthdays are Roddy McDowall and Ken Kesey. It's also the day in 1859 that Emperor Norton declared himself Emperor Of The United States, and as far as I know Congress never declared "no you don't" on him which means he's still in charge, so Congress better get his permission before trying to take power back. -> (c) 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material -> may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. That sentence badly needs rewriting. Here: (c) 2005 The Associated Press, a wholly owned subsidiary of James "Kibo" Parry. All rights reserved. The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people. That means that because the Constitution does not say that the Federal Government has X-ray vision, therefore the people are granted X-ray vision, along with bionic legs and the ability to make fish do their bidding. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed unless this sentence is altered. -- K. I would sign this in big swirly 18th-century letters, but I won't, to protest the fact that the only occurrences of the phrase "calligraphy fetishism" on the Web are copies of the Wikipedia stub page that's waiting for someone to write an authoritative article on this fetish that's so made-up that not even anyone on the Internet has it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Don't forget to buy your official Constitution Day cards from Hallmark Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 18:13:19 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Schools ordered to observe 'Constitution Day' > > -> > > -> Feds set aside Sept. 17 for mandatory lessons on document > > Yay! Schools have to honor my wedding anniversary! We had a civil > ceremony just after the flag-raising ceremony for the VERY!FIRST! > Constitution Day, in 1987. Is it just because I live in Massachusetts, or does anyone else automatically think "musta been a same-gender wedding, yay!" whenever they hear someone say "we had a civil ceremony"? > Actually, it wasn't all that civil, as I wasn't allowed to leave > my wife's four teenage kids in Arkansas - they caught up to us > before we reached the Texas state line. The kids, or the civil authorities? With a little embellishment, you could have the story end with the two of you getting married while you're both in jail in some prison where the men's wing is in Arkansas and the women's wing is in Texas and the only way the two of you can communicate is through duelin' banjos. What tune communicates the recipe for making wine from fermented orange juice in a toilet tank? -- K. I've only been in Texas for about two hours (Dallas / Fort Worth airport layover) and I'd really like to see more of Texas, especially because I would have no trouble conversing with Boomhauer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Don't forget to buy your official Constitution Day cards from Hallmark Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 18:05:16 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Historically, the federal government has avoided dictating what or > > -> when anything must be taught because those powers rest with the > > -> states under the 10th Amendment. The Education Department's Web > > -> site even underlines that point, saying matters such as the > > -> development of curricula and the setting of course requirements > > -> fall outside federal authority. > > > > The irony of the government unconstitutionally forcing people to > > celebrate the Constitution isn't just delicious, it's delicious > > in giant faggy John Hancock cursive. > > [...] > > Also, on September 18 teachers have the option of talking about > Dexterity or Charisma. Please, all real nerds know that those "Dungeons & Dragons" character attributes are pronounced "Con", "Dex", and "Cha" so that players can save time when telling their statistics to monsters during the battles. "Now class, remember that last week we discussed the Civil War, which was from 18/61 to 18/65. Now we're going to talk about World War I, which began in 18/**..." Yes, I know I got my NetHack in your D&D. My personal favorite NetHack item is the pair of Gauntlets Of Power, because instead of just raising my strength from 18/04 to 18/05 or whatever (I play as a Barbarian, 'cause I like carrying around lots of stuff) the Gauntlets Of Power skip all that eighteen-and-a- fraction-which-approaches-a-limit-of-nineteen nonsense and just give you a Str of 25. I haven't looked in the source code to see whether "25" is actually any better than "18/**", but still I like seeing that little "25" down there at the bottom of my NetHack screen in my unique, private NetHack font with hanging digits -- a font which looks far manlier than anything John Hancock would have played NetHack with. > > -> [...] Congress has been acting more like a school board." > > > > Yeah, except when a regular school board makes a rule about "detention", > > it doesn't usually involve a one-way ticket to Guantanamo. > > You and all of Animal House are now on Double Secret > Extraordinary Rendition. Eh, so what, it won't stop me from riding my motorcycle up the stairs and playing "The William Tell Overture" at double speed by pounding on my Adam's Apple just like Wendy Carlos did in "A Clockwork Orange". Then John Vernon will yell at me for having a toga party and blowing away lots of damn punks in San Francisco with a .45, or whatever he did in "Dirty Harry", I don't really know, I've only seen the parodies in "Sledge Hammer!" Finally, I'll fire my .45 directly into the center of the lens of the TV camera, causing the very stupidest viewers to think they've just been killed, but the network censors won't let me do that and so they'll change the title sequence to me blowing a hole just slightly to the left of the center of your screen to make sure you know you're not really dead. > > -> In higher education, "It's the sort of thing that raises the > > -> question, 'If this, what's next?"' said Becky Timmons, senior > > -> director for government relations at the American Council on > > -> Education, the leading lobbying group for colleges and > > -> universities. > > > > I think we should wait to ask that question until Slippery Slope Day. > > That's the day when all voice-and-articulation classes are required > > to change from "slippery sleds slide smoothly down the sluiceway" > > to "the tangent of a slippery slope is rise over run, and if you > > don't get a rise out of celebrating Constitution Day, you better run!" > > What I worry about is when people explicitly present their slippery > slope arguments as such. Because if people start accepting that > fallacy as legitimate reasoning, what's next? The legitimacy of > the argumentum ad hominem? You stupid jackass? Hey, it's a legitimate argument if you're arguing against a stupid jackass. > > (It kicks off National Garrison Belt Week.) > > "Pastor Ingvist told me he saw you out in the wheat field > and you were not drinking, Sven. Get me my belt." I don't get it, unless it's a reference to some "South Park" episode too recent for me to have seen on DVD where Mr. Garrison is revealed to be into whipping, thus shocking anyone who hasn't seen the previous hundred episodes. I can't watch new episodes because they took my Comedy Central away, probably to keep me from seeing Jon Stewart -- his show does a more thoughtful analysis of news and politics than the "real" newscasts, so obviously he's dangerous. We're only allowed to get our "satire" from Jay Leno and "Saturday Night Live" -- "The president is STUPID and CAN'T SPELL!" -- because that just makes people feel warm and fuzzy about how easy it is to get the only jokes they ever hear. But Comedy Central, oh no, between "South Park" and "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" they might cause some people to become unhinged to the point that they might register to vote as "Independent", which is just wrong, because everybody learns in school that we have a two-party system. -- K. Instead of Con, Dex, and Cha, Nick At Nite proposes Fonz, Pots, and Cha. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Don't forget to buy your official Constitution Day cards from Hallmark Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 19:26:46 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > (It kicks off National Garrison Belt Week.) > > > > > > "Pastor Ingvist told me he saw you out in the wheat field > > > and you were not drinking, Sven. Get me my belt." > > > > I don't get it, unless it's a reference to some "South Park" episode [...] > > The News from Lake Wobegon (sponsored by Hercules Cleaning > Crystals and the National Duct Tape Council), as reported by > Garrison Keillor. Oh, that explains why I haven't even tried to attempt to want to enjoy that reference, because Garrison Keillor's radio show is too uninteresting, even for National Public Radio. I like my garrison belts with pyramid studs, though I'm told that technically studded belts are illegal in Boston -- one of those laws that the cops never actually enforce because they have 58,000 better things to worry about. Besides, studded belts can't actually be deadly, because if they were, cops would wear them. Besides, there are people who get studs or spikes implanted in their skin these days. What can they do if a part of your body is illegal? -- K. What if someone gets a tattoo that says "FUCK", or "KILL THE PRESIDENT"? And would the tattooist be prosecuted? (I need to know in case certain opportunities ever arise.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More wording of job postings Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 18:56:00 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Yes, I have expanded my job-hunting horizons to look for Technical > Writing work again (hey, some of us enjoy it...), as well as > Programming work. In pursuit of that effort, I find this in a job > posting [sic]: > > -> Incumbant will be responsable for correct and accurite documentions > > And that was just the worse of about a half dozen... Don't these > people have spell-checkers? "documentions"? I like that. It's an accidental Carrollian portmanteau. Or as they'd spell it, an aggzidontel Karoline blerduflerp. My theory is that they're just testing you to see whether you will storm into the office and correct their spelling _before_ asking what the job pays. Or maybe they're just trying to be pathetic so that you will take the job out of charity to them and not care that the pay is low. Like how kids in old movies deliberately spell "LEMONADE 5c" with a backwards "S". I want one of those dogs with a circle around one eye. And a thousand dollars' worth of lemonade. And a technical writing job. I'm still available, if anyone's hiring. After all, this _is_ one of the several vague things my Emerson college degree is supposedly good for ("Writing, Literature, and Publishing: Professional Writing Division".) I'll documention you up real good! -- K. "Next, insert the plug into the wall socket, being careful not to use this equipment if you really are so clueless as to need instructions in how to put a plug into a socket. By continuing to read this, you agree that you haven't killed yourself." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: SAD! FOR! ROB! Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 19:01:55 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Beware woman who grab you by the balls - or peanus - they > > don't always let go. > > Words to live by. Home-Ec classes should teach the difference > between fondle and grab. I thought kids were supposed to learn about this in gym glass, when they got around to learning the different rugby holds, such as Australia's beloved "squirrel grip" (a handful of nuts.) -- K. My school didn't make boys take Home Ec, and I'm glad, because I found shop class to be an equally useful set of skills, but not as easy to learn on my own (cooking is easy to learn by experimenting and reading a cookbook. Spot-welding, that you want a qualified instructor for, or at least a shop teacher.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: a cool new kind of library crime Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 21:34:03 -0400 [www.channelcincinnati.com] -> -> Lender Sells Library Books At Flea Markets, Police Charge -> -> Tri-State Libraries Lost Nearly $20,000 Worth Of Goods, Police Say -> -> FLORENCE, Ky. -- A man accused of borrowing nearly $20,000 worth of -> books, CDs and DVDs from Tri-state libraries and selling them to -> flea markets has been arrested, police said. That's a clever scam. And he probably coulda gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids, especially Encyclopedia Brown. Or if he'd only done it once. I like any crime where you can get away with it if you only do it once. Those are the crimes that are inherently baffling and random. Plus, this particular type of crime encourages people to read. So it's actually good for society. It's a victimless crime, as the library doesn't count because those books would just have gotten peed on anyway. -> The Boone County Sheriff's Office said it arrested Robert White, -> 29, after he allegedly borrowed more than $600 worth of materials -> from the Boone County Public Library and sold them at the Richwood -> Flea Market in Walton, Ky., and Peddlers Mall in Cincinnati. -> -> White was charged with theft by failure to make required -> disposition, the sheriff's office said. "Theft by failure to make required disposition" is a nice phrase which is long enough that, during the time it takes the librarian to say it, makes your books another five cents overdue. -> Detective Carl Dover said White also sold material from libraries -> in Hamilton and Perry counties in Ohio and Kenton, Campbell, -> Pendleton, Jessamine, Madison, Scott, Woodford, Franklin, and -> Fayette counties in Kentucky. -> -> White used his real name when applying for a library card but -> provided a fictitious address, Dover said. Hey, if the library gives out fiction, they should be able to take a little fiction. So, this master criminal's mistake was not realizing that the police could look him up in the phone book? Advice people people who want to try this at home: Don't give them your real name, and don't keep doing it until the police start patrolling flea markets looking for library books. Oh, and also, do it in a place where there are more interesting crimes for the cops to deal with. I bet in downtown Los Angeles the cops wouldn't care if you stole the whole library, unless you killed at least ten people in the process. (Twenty if they're homeless.) The other thing to do would be to just fill your gym bag with books and DVDs after you've lined it with foil to keep out the metal-detection rays (this works because aluminum isn't a metal, it's a foil.) Then just waltz right through the security arch on your way out and they'll have no way of catching you, unless they have a security camera, in which case, remember to wear your Groucho glasses to the library to make your face look less distinctive. (Remember to take them off afterwards.) -- K. Flea market vendors are all either fencing stolen property, or creepy perverts who enjoy watching strangers handle comic books. "OOOOOO, SHE'S TOUCHING MY BAGGIE!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: a cool new kind of library crime Date: Thu, 26 May 2005 18:34:33 -0400 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > And here I thought the one librarian was being silly when she, in the > course of our conversation, made sure I wasn't selling the library > books at my flea market booth. If you were clever, you would have taken all the library's stickers off the books, and then she'd have to buy them all and take them back to her Librarian Crimelab to test them for library paste residue. And in the meantime, you could use the fifteen dollars profit to make your getaway to Mexico. > P.S. It's not like novels actually SELL at my booth, my customers are > all stupid heads. That goes without saying -- look who they're buying from. They've got a whole flea market full of gay stereotypes to choose from, and yet the stupidest customers still find you... -- K. Maybe you're not blending in with the other vendors well enough. Try acting more like them -- gay it down a notch, and lose the ruffly pirate shirt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Black plastic cases. Date: Thu, 26 May 2005 18:37:33 -0400 Nicholas O. Lindan (see@sig.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > While we're on the subject of death rays, what's the difference > > between your fancy "photonics" and puny Earth "optics"? > > About $200/hour. So what makes photonicians earn so much less than opticians? Is it just because you didn't go to eye doctor school? -- K. Me, I'm a plasma physicist. I must be, otherwise why would I dare put my tongue on all the glowing tubes at the Museum Of Science? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mouse! The amazing conclusion. Date: Thu, 26 May 2005 18:45:03 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > One of the traps got the mouse. O gross. Wow, that took a while. Must be a smart mouse. Either that or you mistakenly baited your traps with something mice hate to eat, in which case, please disclose this amazing new discovery of "something mice hate to eat". Better leave all the other traps set, because you know that where there's one mouse, there's always dozens more. Remember that a mouse can have a litter of ten every two weeks, and you've had this mouse living there for how long? -- K. How do you know you got the right mouse and not an innocent bysqueaker? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Contacted by a TV show producer Date: Thu, 26 May 2005 21:11:13 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I was contacted last night by a TV show producer, he is looking for people > to feature in a comedy show (mainly stand up) that is going to be produced > for Community Television (Channel 31) in Melbourne, Austria. > > He asked me if I knew anyone that was suitable or could do something myself > for the show. Do it! If I were you, I'd go and just do a joke about how the channel number is higher than the number of viewers, over and over, until they dragged you out of the studio screaming. All the other acts would be happy to have you go first, too, because every comedian loves it when the guy right before them bombs. Make it very easy for them to seem good by comparison. Also, you should challenge all the women in the studio to wrestle. > Send me an email if you want to be involved and I will pass your name on. Send me the plane tickets and I'll do it. They don't have to be first class, they can just be economy class plus the cash equivalent of the difference. Also, I will need a hotel room in my limo and vice versa, plus immunity from all prosecution. -- K. Anyway, what we really want to know is: What color was his casting couch? Hmm, since it's Community Television Channel 31, it's more likely something smaller and cheaper, like a casting hemorrhoid doughnut. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Contacted by a TV show producer Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 07:03:31 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > C Mason (luser@example.net) wrote: > > > > Timmy, don't get too excited too early, but I think you are about to > > make it to the big time. So long Gra Gra, Look out Rove MacManus - the > > new king of Austrian television is here1! I don't know who Rove MacManus is, unless it's not a name but a sentence said by Scooby-Doo upon becoming romantically obsessed with the dead Goth guy in the 374th gayest episode of "Lexx". > > Better get cracking on your act, if you'll pardon the expression. > > I've got an idea about it already. > > I could ask Kibo to write it for me for a 10/90 split. (you can probably > guess who gets the 90 part.) I'll let you have a little more than 10% if I can actually see you do the split. Is this channel widescreen so we could see both of your feet at the same time? I wouldn't want you to cheat and just do enough of a split to fill up a 4x3 screen, I demand a 16x9 split, with real pelvis-snapping action. "Hey kids, make a wish!" *BANG* "Ow, my pelvis is over there... and over there!" Also I think you should dress up as the black version of Vanilla Ice. No, wait, someone else already took my insane advice about that. Hmm, does this channel allow nudity? Also, does it count as nudity if you're wearing a hat? Here's an idea: You could film your entire show with a tiny camcorder strapped to the tip of a spinning helicopter blade. You'd just have to time your jokes carefully to synchronize with the camera whizzing by several times a second. But it would give you an incentive to tell several jokes per second. And instead of performing, could you just produce a new season of "Lexx"? Try not to make it so gay this time. It got way too gay for me. Tone it down to the level of the 1980 "Flash Gordon" movie. -- K. Does Australia even have 16x9 TVs, or do they have something really primitive like the 1x1 TV from the original "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Contacted by a TV show producer Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 21:00:17 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hmm, does this channel allow nudity? Also, does it count as nudity > > if you're wearing a hat? > > You damn betcha it does. That's how p0rn movies get their power. You're more > nude with an appropriate hat on than without one. Doubly so for socks. Also, otherwise I wouldn't be able to tell the Village People apart. They weren't a hair band, they were a hat band. > > Here's an idea: You could film your entire show with a tiny camcorder > > strapped to the tip of a spinning helicopter blade. You'd just have > > to time your jokes carefully to synchronize with the camera whizzing > > by several times a second. But it would give you an incentive to > > tell several jokes per second. > > For extra effect, combine it with the above and have the blade be on > a beanie! Now that's just weird. Especially if the nutty guy in the propeller beanie is wearing a homemade cape with plutonium atoms drawn all over it. YOU JUST RUINED THE VILLAGE PEOPLE!!! (Devo is the only hat band that needs mad scientists.) > > Does Australia even have > > 16x9 TVs, or do they have > > something really primitive > > like the 1x1 TV from the > > original "Willy Wonka & > > The Chocolate Factory"? > > Dave "having TRON flashbacks now, okbye" DeLaney I hear they're going to do a remake of "Tron", except they're going to cut a lot of corners to save money. Instead of sets made of gray cardboard, they're going to fake it all with computer graphics. Instead of actual mass-produced Frisbees, this time they're going to throw fake computer- animated discs at each other. And instead of Bruce Boxleitner, they're going to have Bob from "reBoot". It'll all be completely computer-animated, meaning it'll be fake unlike the original movie which was crafted with loving care by some guys in spandex and hockey helmets prancing around in front of gray cardboard. All that cardboard gave the movie such a sense of dramatic realism, because everybody can spot real cardboard when they see it. -- K. Is it okay to mention Devo and "Tron" in the same article without simultaneously asking for help solving that newfangled Rubik's Cube? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Was it the Vodka or the Hot Sauce? Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 07:11:52 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I drunk now and giving away money! Woo Hoo! Well, this is still better than anything else that's on Channel 31. -- K. The best parts are the product placements for Eagle Leather. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Jury Selection 2005 Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 17:54:49 -0400 [reposted to fix a typo I made because I am so very tired] > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > I received a notice in the mail yesterday about my upcoming > > Jury Selection some time between July and August this year. > > > > They also took pains to point out that dodging jury selection > > is a serious offence and I could go to jail! As long as there is > > not a jury selected for that trial it would be fine. What, you want the judge to just send you right to jail without a jury trial? People like you who are eager to go to jail usually find out it's not as fun as it looks on TV. > > I will be wearing my "I'm a fuckin' genius" T-shirt and HULK HANDS > > on the day of the jury selection. I'm going to be wearing my "I'm with stupid who is in contempt of court -->" shirt if I ever have to sit next to you when I'm on jury duty. I just hope I remember to sit on the correct side. barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > I was going to go into a whole rant about how if People Like Us weasel > out of jury duty, all juries will be made up of People Like Them. > Then I looked at who the People Like Us actually are in this venue and > canceled the rant. But there aren't any people like us. And, in most cases, nobody likes us. "Your Honor, the Constitution of the United States of America here in the USA says that I can't be tried unless you find a jury of my peers, and I demand you find twelve tall thin guys with fluorescent hair who have degrees in sitcom-writing, have lettering skills, own at least one Viking-era artifact, like hot sauce on White Castles, think Tadanobu Asano and Jack Black are hotties, hate Curious George, know how to operate a Victorian-era electroshock machine, have seen every episode of 'The Time Tunnel' four times just because it sucks, break their TiVos, own only black bath towels, save bubblewrap but not packing peanuts, like circular carrot slices but not cubical ones, enjoy saying the word 'nougatine', listened to the commentary track on the two-DVD limited edition of 'Supergirl' and felt sorry for the director, know where Leif Erickson's imaginary house was, keep Roman coins in their medicine cabinet, know the names of all the gas masks and most of the dinosaurs, have made up their own interpretation of the subtext of Umberto Eco's 'Foucault's Pendulum', have been forbidden from visiting Toronto's CN Tower, eat cheeseless pizzas with bacon, own at least one Lenny Bruce bootleg tape, know where to get the best prices on cattle prods, have big feet, and are incredibly handsome and smart!" > When I served on a jury, there were some dumn jurors. It was kind of > depressing to hear the reasoning processes of some of these folks. It's always depressing on those rare instances when you have to interact with an actual cross-section of _all_ Americans, such as when you're locked in the jury waiting room, or at the Department Of Motor Vehicles, which is more or less the same thing anyway. We forget that we normally have a lot of control over what societal subgroups we interact with. Even if we walk into McDonalds, we're only interacting with people who have _chosen_ to go to McDonalds. But when you're on a jury or on a DMV, you encounter people with whom you have absolutely nothing in common except that a third party transported both of you to the same space-time coordinates and forced you to talk to each other, and the other guy has no interest in whether "nougatine" is a fun word to say. > On the whole, jury duty was a not-pleasant experience (it was a rape > case), but overall a worthwhile one. I haven't been summoned for jury duty since I started wearing lots of black leather and dyeing my hair weird colors. I can't wait. Finally, a chance to go somewhere where I can glower at criminals and then decide whether they live or die, assuming the judge doesn't let them just pay the parking ticket. And remember, there are lawyers out there who are so incompetent that they don't bother using all of their peremptory challenges to pack the jury with people who are normal. I'm thinking of a certain guy with a ponytail and Beatle boots. Even I think wearing Beatle boots in court is weird. -- K. Should I become a lawyer just to find out if lawyers can wear biker boots in court? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Jury Selection 2005 Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 21:10:46 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What, you want the judge to just send you right to jail without a > > jury trial? People like you who are eager to go to jail usually > > find out it's not as fun as it looks on TV. > > Just for the people who've found this place in the meantime since I last > warned you-all: > > DO NOT GO TO JAIL. > THERE ARE NO COOKIES IN JAIL. > THERE IS NOTHING TO _READ_ IN JAIL. > YOU WILL GO MADDER REALLY QUICKLY. > DON'T DO IT, IT'S A TRICK. Someday I'm going to start my own jail and it will have cookies. And little packets of airline pretzels. And stewardesses. It'll be the world's most popular jail. I'm thinking of charging $1000 for a one-week stay. Shorter stays will cost more, so all I have to do is convince people to leave early and I'll make a fortune. I'll just take away their cookies and smash their pretzels and have the stewardesses replaced by robots with flamethrowers. It'll be the world's least-loved jail, but only once I get it written up in the Michelin Guide as the greatest place ever. I make it posh for a few months, then I pull the rug out from under people who heard it had a good reputation. A simple bait-and-switch is always the most honest way to make money. As far as there being nothing to read in jail goes, you should learn to read tattoos. In fact, get "Moby-Dick" tattooed on your body in tiny print and you'll never get bored, unless "Moby-Dick" is boring, I don't know, I fell asleep a quarter of the way through the abridged version. For more ideas on things to do with tattoos to amuse yourself, see "Memento". -- K. Also my jail will have a casino inside. Captive audiences like to be exploited. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Jury Selection 2005 Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 18:00:43 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > This county won't let me serve on a jury, just because my opinions are > known and neither side wants me "swaying the jurors." So I didn't > weasel out of jury duty, but I'm damned glad the Jury Commissioner has > "Do Not Call" stamped on my card. They can do that? They keep records on printed cards? In Massachusetts, the records are kept on something like a PDP-11 with a green-bar-paper line printer. And its idea of "random" is to summons everyone who lives at 132 Beacon Street four times a year. (It's a college dorm.) The year I lived there, there were lots of days when everyone in the building simultaneously received summonses. Over and over. I've only been summonsed once since I moved to Mission Hill. I wouldn't mind being put on the "Do Not Call" list, because they have jury duty way too early in the morning. I'd happy go if it was 8pm to 5am. -- K. So what are these unmutual opinions of yours? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A handy pseudo-scientific phrase for those who might need it Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 18:33:33 -0400 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > "Solium trosphate" > > It came to me at the bus stop this morning, and I didn't chase it away. > > If you use this phrase, whether in casual conversation or in scripts for > any proposed new sci-fi TV series -- such as "Star Trek: Big Red Floaty > Things That Look Like Gumdrops" -- please make out royalty checks in the > amount of 0.038 cents to: > Sean > c/o Donal Lunny Institute of Hot Bouzouki Riffz > Dublin, Ireland > > Sean ("Please note: 'I stepped in a pile of solium trosphate' is _not_ > appropriate usage") Lasnayemere Sorry, but you don't get any royalties, because "solium" is a "Classic Battlestar Galactica" word. Remember in the three-hour pilot how Apollo proudly did his duty when he was ordered to do the most dangerous job in the fleet, crawling around on the outside of ships looking for "solium leaks"? I'm not sure what "trosphate" is, but you probably stole that from the first of the eighty-two revivals of "The Munsters" or something. "Taenia Solium" is also one of the proper names of the common pork tapeworm, also known as Taenia Armata and Taenia Dentata. "Solium", as we all know, is Latin for "throne", which is why you can catch Taenia Solium from a dirty throne. (Tapeworms can jump.) -- K. A throne is also known as a "turboflush" in the real world of Starbuck and Apollo, not the fake "Battlestar Galactica" they're showing now. The new one doesn't even have robots who wear hockey gloves, galoshes, and kicky little skirts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Karlo or oTTo or somebody... Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 21:39:43 -0400 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@Gmail.com): > > > > I recently heard that crystal meth is nicknamed "Tina." Can you > > confirm or deny, and, if confirming, explain the derivation? > > > > Thanks! > > We don't hear it called that so much out here, but yep, that is indeed a > term for meth. > > Dervivation: Crystal>Christina>Tina (supposedly, but who the fuck knows > how these things get started). ATTENTION PEOPLE OF EARTH. IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT YOU STOPPED WATCHING THE MOVIE "TOMMY" WHEN JACK NICHOLSON ATTEMPTED TO SING. GO BACK AND RENT THE MOVIE AGAIN AND THIS TIME COVER YOUR EARS DURING JACK NICHOLSON'S SCENE SO YOU CAN GET TO THE PART WITH TINA TURNER. THAT IS ALL. "Tina" is slang for meth mostly within the gay community, because all sissies worship Tina Turner and wish they had her hair. And also because gay guys can't call it "crank" since that confuses them when they re-enact scenes from "The Electric Company". (I always get to be Easy Reader.) By the way, my archives tell me that on September 13, 2004 (the fifth anniversary of Martin Landau blowing up the Moon) I told a.r.k that crystal meth is called "Tina". You people need to put more effort into memorizing everything I've ever said, except the stuff which is wrong or misspelled or embarrassing, which should be forgotten even though that's the only stuff you bastards even try to remember. It was in a thread where a stupid reporter for the Boston Herald claimed that "poppers" were crystal meth and worked like Viagra in order to make sure none of his readers thought he knew anything about drugs, even quasi-legal ones like poppers. If you don't know what poppers are, go to Toys R Us and look in the Fisher-Price aisle for those things with the long handle, two wheels, and those brightly-colored plastic marbles bouncing around inside. Then go over to the videotape department and ask for a bottle of video head cleaner that smells like rotting gym socks. -- K. You keep those things the hell away from me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Karlo or oTTo or somebody... Date: Mon, 30 May 2005 01:33:14 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Up until last week, we had a boy who has a pretty nasty crystal meth > habit of several years' duration at the middle school. You'll be glad > to hear that I won't be at the middle school any more after June. But > you'll be scared to hear that Anna will be there another year after > that. I am already indoctrinating her. If there is any documentary > on any channel showing the lives of crack whores, speed freaks, heroin > addicts, or anything similar, the girls are required to watch it with me. NO HUMAN CAN STAND THAT MUCH "MATCH GAME '77"! -- K. So is the local high school better or worse than Crackzapoppin Middle? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: DRUunk !! e Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 21:50:51 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > Sadburger (tagutcow@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > i coduln'dt fi ugure outhow to dribe mY CAR so i WAL,Ked to hte > > > Cirlce K and buoghT KING COBRA!! !!nowI'm almost don e with > > > htE COBRA > > > > > > !yuou shuold see the gu8y on the lable hes all liker "I"M AWE#SOME > > > AND ShIT CUS IM A CRObA! !!! > > > > > > ohi don'"T FEE#L sao good . > > > > That's the first clue that you should stop. Consider it. Save some > > booze for the rest of the weekend. > > Meanwhile, I think we may have found a way to reproduce Manley Hubbell in > the laboratory, here. Kibo, can we get a grant to continue this experiment > FOR SCIENCE? Who needs a grant? I know a place that'll do that sort of lobotomy for free, since a little bottle of carbon tet came with my Junior Detective Kit. Also, I don't think Manley Hubbell is capable of reproduction. It requires at least one intact chromosome. Still, whatshisname above does a pretty good impression of pretending to be drunk just so we'll think he's cool. But I know what drunk _really_ is. Drunk is when a straight guy had eleven beers at the Red Sox game and wanders into the wrong club and starts telling me how handsome I am. I mean, we're talking serious beer goggle action coupled with an inability to remember your own gender preference _and_ liking a baseball team that's named after an undergarment. -- K. Fake drunks aren't as annoying as people trying to pretend they're sober. "The bartender just cut me off for no reason!" "Sorry, I can't help you, I'm just here to deliver some light bulbs. Also, since the 'tender makes money serving drinks, if he cut you off there's probably a damn good reason, besides the fact that you smell like pee." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: drugs are bad, m'kay? (was: Karlo or oTTo or somebody...) Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 22:01:33 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > > > When I was a kid we never even considered smoking or injecting [crystal > > meth], as snorting one line of it was quite enough thank you. > > I drew one of many lines at needles. I won't touch drugs with a ten-foot pole, but... I draw many lines with needles. Gimme your arm. By the way, every adult bookstore around here has a glass case filled with little glass crack pipes with a sign saying "GLASSWARE IS FOR TOBACCO USE ONLY." Is there anyone out there clueless enough to think that anyone might ever have put pipe tobacco in a tiny glass pipe? The store might have one or two bongs, but they always have dozens of the little pipes. They also always have one of those six-inch-diameter butt plugs -- I'm not sure whether people buy those entirely as joke gifts (like the inflatable plastic sheep) or just because if your customers are smoking meth and crack with equipment from a porn store, they're probably both stupid and high and will buy anything. I mean, you know these customers must be stupid, because the eighty-dollar-a-pair handcuffs are in that same glass case. That's over a 400% profit margin. -- K. I should learn how to blow glass. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I need a vacation Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 22:21:49 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I have just received a leather jacket from someone > with a rip in it near the pocket. What's the best way > to repair it? Find a professional leather craftsman (i.e. one of those guys who custom-makes vests and harnesses and fitted pants and stuff) and have them stitch it. You should be able to find one at the next outlaw biker rally you attend, or look for business cards pinned to the corkboard in your local leather bar. (Note: There is no such thing as a leather craftswoman. Leather must be stitched. Women sew, men stitch.) Or just buy a new jacket, you can get plain black ones for as little as $60 if you know where to look. $30 if you don't mind it being made from scrap leather. And spend the extra few bucks to get yourself little bottles of leather cleaner and leather conditioner (i.e. a tiny orange Lexol jug, and a tiny brown Lexol jug.) Keeping your leather conditioned will make it significantly more durable (and look better, too.) Lame old fabric clothes have to get washed all the time, your leather just asks you to work it over with the leather cleaner and conditioner once every few months. (If the nylon lining gets icky, you may have to take it to a professional leather cleaner.) Ask your leather repairman for leather-care products. Wait, "near the pocket"? What sort of wimpy leather jacket has only one pocket? I bet it's got fewer than ten zippers, too. Is it... brown? -- K. Are you telling me you bought Clan's used teal and fuchsia eight-ball jacket? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I need a vacation Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 22:50:18 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > I have just received a leather jacket from someone > > with a rip in it near the pocket. What's the best way > > to repair it? > > i'm really disappointed that no one has suggested coordinating duct > tape. not that i'm suggesting it--or anything else, for that > matter--mind you. i'm just surprised that no one else has. This is becase if you like wearing duct tape, you've got no need for a leather jacket. Some people make whole suits of armor out of the stuff. And I believe I've already mentioned that Andy Kaufman used it for underwear while he was performing. I recommend genuine 3M brand duct tape. It has that nice sort of new car scent with a hint of raspberry blossom extract. I think 3M scents their brand name products to turn people on, as they also produce a generic off-brand duct tape that smells like toxic solvents. Almost everything 3M puts their name on smells nicer than their generic brand or the competing brands. If you don't believe me, take a whiff of the cheap "Syrvet" imitation of 3M's "Vetrap", and tell me which one you think smells like fancy candle wax and which smells like bat barf. Sure, Duco puts mustard oil in their model cement to keep kids from huffing it, but 3M seems to work hard to make all their adhesive or cohesive products be stuff you can't resist sniffing. I bet lots of people in Germany wish 3M would go into the bicycle-seat business. -- K. Happiness is the smell of a warm TiVo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: stunning news Date: Sat, 28 May 2005 18:05:07 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > I like this story from MSNBC for several reasons... > > [msnbc.msn.com] > -> > -> Police use stun gun to bring suspect off crane > > no, not Bob Crane, nor Ralphn Maccio doing fake kung fu, just a > construction crane. Hey, Bob Crane died before stun guns became popular. He had to get murdered in his bed with something as low-tech as his Sony Betamax video camera. (Strangled with the cord and bludgeoned with the tripod, if I remember correctly.) If he were still alive so he could be killed today, it would probably be something like him getting a stun gun rammed down his throat and then having his head crushed with one of those heavy old Sony Series 1 TiVos. (There would have to be a Sony product placement somewhere in his death. It just wouldn't do to be killed with a flimsy Goldstar.) > the first thing I like about the story is the opening sentence: > > -> ATLANTA -- A 56-hour standoff with a homicide suspect perched > -> on a construction crane ended peacefully early Saturday when > -> police shocked him with a stun gun as he reached for a cup of > -> water, authorities said. > > I dunno about this new definition of "peaceful". granted, he didn't > die, but sending several billion volts through someone as he tries to > drink a glass of water doesn't exactly sound peaceful to me. Stun guns aren't even one billion bolts, no matter how hard we wish they were. Their voltage is on the same order of magnitude as the measly little coil wrapped around the picture tube of your Sony TV set. Sony! The next time you want to kill Bob Crane, think of Sony! This has been a paid product placement for Goldstar, makers of ultra-safe tripods that would shatter over Bob Crane's head without hurting him, unless he stepped on one of the shards of plastic the next day, in which case he might get a little boo-boo. > maybe one of the policemen was severely traumatized by Chuck and Bob > when he was a kid. I know we're talking about Bob Crane, but why is Chuck Jones in here? Did he dig up Bob Crane's corpse just to drop an anvil on him? ("Police believe a trampoline was involved, but are not ruling out the possibility of rocket-powered roller skates.") > the second thing I like is the next sentence: > > -> "Apparently, he was thirsty," police spokesman Sgt. John Quigley said. > > well, yeah, if I guy has been perched on a crane for 50-some hours and > hasn't had any food or water in that time, then reaches for a cup of > water, there's a slight chance it means he's thirsty. Maybe he just drank the water to make the drama more boring since Bert wanted to read about it while Ernie was playing his trumpet or whatever. Surely you remember that "Sesame Street" bit where Bert is reading a book titled "Boring Stories" and exclaims, "WOW, THE PRINCE JUST DRANK A GLASS OF WATER!" Maybe it was a story about how The Little Prince hijacked a construction crane. But then the Nazis came after The Little Prince so Richard Dawson hid him in a teapot. And he stayed in the teapot so long that he fell asleep, and when the family on the left got the third strike and the gameboard buzzed for "[X][X][X]" it woke him up and when he came out he didn't know what day it was until he realized that it must be Friday if Richard Dawson was that drunk. > two paragraph/sentences later, there's this gem: > > -> The standoff unfolded above Atlanta's busy Buckhead > -> neighborhood, an area filled with clubs and restaurants. Lunch > -> and dinner crowds, taking advantage of summer-like weather, > -> have packed restaurant patios with clear views of the standoff. > > (this paragraph appears courtesy of a grant from the Greater Buckhead > Tourism Council. slogan: "Come Dine With The Best, Buckhead!") I wonder if the restaurants there give you glasses of water for free, or if the water... comes... with... a... CHARGE. <----- CHARGE <-----<<< "GET IT?"!!! > much further down, there's this sentence: > > -> Roland showed mixed emotions during the negotiations, Dreher said. > > well, yeah, fear mixed with sorrow mixed with "BZZZT! GAH!" But even further down, you missed this teaser for another article: -> Music store sells 11 organs to sick woman Sadly, it's just about an Alzheimer's patient with a H*mm*nd fetish, not about a woman getting a musical kidney implanted in her ocarina. -- K. Don't ask into which orifice the mute was inserted. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Please to do my science homework for me... Date: Sat, 28 May 2005 18:08:37 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > I had a friend send me one of the kewtsy list of "Facts you may not be > aware of" (with varying quantities of "Facts"). > > Anywho, the following was in the list: > > "A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and > down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top." > > Since I'm not a drinker, I need someone to perform this experiment for me > and post the results to ARK. > > Do it for SCIENCE!!11!! I thought everyone already had done this when they were kids. I used 7-Up. Don't waste your money on expensive fresh champage, or even old champage. Just get some of that icky 7-Up. The raisins will go up and down because bubbles will form on them, lifting them to the surface, where they shed their bubbles and sink again. I think even Mr. Rogers knew you could do this. He seemed to like any science experiment that involved looking at a glass of water for a while. -- K. And if you leave the raisins in there for an extra week, they mutate into grapes! They still taste bad, though. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Another article claiming that pedophiles are all Trekdorks Date: Sat, 28 May 2005 23:36:26 -0400 You know how, when a newspaper or magazine sees someone else doing a news story, they decide "Hey! That was an original angle! Let's do exactly the same thing!"? Well, the nice people at Maclean's magazine appear to have read that LA Times article from last month. [www.macleans.ca] -> -> The Star Trek connection -> -> A surprising number of child sex abusers appear to be Trekkies. -> Trying to figure out what that means, however, shows how little we -> really know about pedophiles Well, we know they must hate cheap imitations of Rod Stewart power ballads more than they love "Star Trek". So this means we should train all children to start screeching out that song that got "Enterprise" canceled in order to repel pedophiles and other Trekkies. -> Jonathon Gatehouse -> -> The first thing detectives from the Toronto police sex crimes unit -> saw when they entered Roderick Cowan's apartment was an autographed -> picture of William Shatner. Along with the photos on the computer -> of Scott Faichnie, also busted for possessing child porn, they -> found a snapshot of the pediatric nurse and Boy Scout leader -> wearing a dress "Federation" uniform. Another suspect had a TV -> remote control shaped like a phaser. Yet another had a Star Trek -> credit card in his wallet. One was using "Picard" as his screen name. So, basically, the same people who have the hots for little kids also love William Shatner? Hmm. Is there something about him we don't know? Like, is he really a 7-year-old with progeria and a bad wig? There is that one episode where it's mentioned that he's the youngest man ever to be a starship captain, so maybe he really is a little kid trapped in a doughy old man's body. Just like in that unwatchably horrible Robin Williams movie which nobody could like unless they really wanted to see a middle-aged man sitting on the floor crying. I bet the very sickest pedophiles actually read Shatner's "TekWar" novels all the way through. -> In the 3 1/2 years since police in Canada's biggest city -> established a special unit to tackle child pornography, -> investigators have been through so many dwellings packed with -> sci-fi books, DVDs, toys and collectibles like Klingon swords and -> sashes that it's become a dark squadroom joke. "We always say there -> are two types of pedophiles: Star Trek and Star Wars," says Det. -> Ian Lamond, the unit's second-in-command. "But it's mostly Star Trek." But "Doctor Who" and "Babylon 5" fans are even bigger nerds. So if you think that pedophilia is the most repulsive thing there is, think again -- I'm sure "Blake's 7" fans are doing something unimaginably disgusting, not to mention poorly-written. -- K. Theory: Perhaps "Star Trek" is so awesome that everyone in the world would be collecting "Star Trek" stuff if they could but all well-adjusted people have a wife, a husband, or a grown-up friend, any of whom will talk them out of wasting their money. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Another article claiming that pedophiles are all Trekdorks Date: Tue, 31 May 2005 01:58:45 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I bet the very sickest pedophiles actually read Shatner's "TekWar" novels > > all the way through. > > I am 2/3 of the way through "Tekwar" and I'm saddened to see that, > apparently, no one edited this book. Not even a basic spelling 'n' > grammar edit. Someone must really hate The Bill a lot, to let him look > like such a moron. My understanding is that after the ghostwriter finishes writing the book Shatner asked him to write, then Shatner always goes in and rewrites the whole thing to ruin every single sentence, which is why no matter who the ghostwriter is (Ron Goulart, Michael Tobias, Ja-- um, Ron Goulart and Michael Tobias are the only two I can remember) the book always comes out with that craptacularly Shatneriffic style. It's not a big stretch to assume that, if he doesn't let the professional writer use his skills to do the final polish, that he might also forbid all copyeditors, proofreaders, and intelligent humans from touching the book after he's completely Shatnerized it. The main stylistic difference between the "Tekwar" books (by Shatner and Ron Goulart) and "Believe." (by Shatner and Michael Tobias) is that the "Tekwar" series features the Hispanic sidekick who keeps yelling "AY CHIHUAHUA!" while "Believe." keeps talking about Harry Houdini stuffing Kleenex up his bloody ass. No, I am not kidding. If you want to check, you can buy a copy of "Believe." on Amazon.com for $0.01. (It's one of those books that people can't give away, yet also so icky that people can't bring themselves to touch it long enough to throw it away.) I hypothesize that Shatner may also have secretly co-authored "The DaVinci Code", another book that really should have had a literary editor rewrite the things that pass for sentences and then still refuse to print it for being a piece of crap. (That's a case of a vanity-press book that miraculously became a big hit due to an insanely aggressive marketing campaign by the publisher who couldn't be bothered to first make the book readable.) I defy anyone to read "Believe." and "The DaVinci Code" the same week and then disprove that they were both Shatnerized. We're talking only half a notch above Lionel Fanthorpe here, assuming you're not deducting points for the Rectal Blood And Ectoplasm Fetish, or as it's known these days, Rectoplasmism. Ay chihuahua! -- K. "Mouse Hunt" is on my TV right now, and I think this movie might be dumber than rectoplasm. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The latest big batch of fragments of news-like articles (part 1 of 2) Date: Sun, 29 May 2005 04:00:24 -0400 Yes, yes, yes, it's time for another complilation of these because you demanded it. These are out-of-context bits resulting from Google News searches on words I was hoping would be amusing, but usually weren't. As usual, formatting this was a nightmarish ordeal (this time lessened by the fact that I wrote a program to do it for me, which freed up some creative energy to go into figuring out in what order to cluster these results.) [www.newscientist.com] -> -> DON'T try this at home. Several times a day, for several days, you -> induce pain in someone. You control the pain with morphine until -> the final day of the experiment, when you replace the morphine with -> saline solution. [manchesteronline.co.uk] => => James Parry, prosecuting, said rubbish was allowed to accumulate => behind the restaurant in each case. [www.estripes.com] -> -> "There's going to be a lot that [audience members] are going to be -> talking about afterward," said James Merkle, who plays a principal -> character named Chaplain James Parry. -> -> With its subject matter and the possible use of graphic, unaired -> video footage of battlefield carnage from Iraq incorporated into -> the play, [...] [www.newsday.com] => => Pleasant Fiction (strong first-out breeding), Unbridled Spring => (Zito), Kibo (Jerkens), Record Buster (Frankel) and Countryman => (Lukas) are the fresh faces that warrant "charting" in exactas. [www.rrstar.com] -> -> Five things you cannot live without: Swiss army knife or -> leatherman, duct tape, computer (with internet), my sense of humor, -> my family. [www.alaskamagazine.com] => => While watching Alaska wilderness traveler Roman Dial spread out his => few belongings preparing for a recent ski race across the Wrangell => Mountains, I asked whether he was carrying a Leatherman [...] [www.travelgolf.com] -> -> TravelGolf.com suffered the ulimate whore-ism with past -> CaribbeanGolf.com editor Dale Leatherman. [www.thebostonchannel.com] => => Leathermen compiles his annual list based on 50 criteria, including => quality of swimming, upkeep and ecological factors. [www.etruth.com] -> -> He is co-owner of Leatherman Supply, where seven of the building -> materials company's 10 employees give blood. [www.eastandard.com] => => Jackson took her to Leatherman training centre in Kisumu, where she => learnt the art of shoe repair for several months before joining => him. [www.etruth.com] -> -> "In each case, it was a call for me to serve," Leatherman -> explained. [nyc.indymedia.com] => => "[...] NYU will honor one of America's most outspoken critics of => gay people's aspirations to achieve legal equality," organizer Bert => Leatherman said. [msn.foxsports.com] -> -> We received an absurd amount of e-mails all suggesting the same -> thing -- "Explosive Diarrhea." No joke, it was by far the most -> popular suggestion. [www.nytimes.com] => => Everyone has ''explosive diarrhea'' (from eating an armadillo left => too long in the sun), [...] [www.kxan.com] -> -> Dutil isn't afraid to show the eighth graders the ugly truth about -> overdosing. -> -> "In fact, sometimes you get what we call 'explosive diarrhea,'" -> Dutil said. "Diarrhea everywhere. All over his legs, all over the -> bed, all over the floor. Poor Kevin." [www.newstatesman.com] => => Never mind that before the First World War Russian artists were => running about naked, with painted bodies. [news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> In upholding the complaints, Ofcom's report found that the mix of -> bubbles and flames was "likely to appeal greatly to children". [www.infoshop.org] => => We all want the police to stop shooting people. [www.canoe.ca] -> -> If we're talking about corporal punishment of the proverbial -> monkey, I'm a champ. [news.scotsman.com] => => But, ultimately, there is something rather depressing about => watching a bunch of adults trying to work the word "spatula" into a => sketch about surgeons, in the style of a porn film. [www.tvbarn.com] -> -> That better be a spatula or you're in trouble, mister! [www.thestarpress.com] => => Like, maybe a laser sensor could track the speed and trajectory of => the tumbling taco, instantly deploying the steering wheel's => emergency spatula to intercept and flip it through the sunroof, => where it would be sucked out into the slipstream before landing => harmlessly on the car behind you. [www.theunionleader.com] -> -> Banging and playing a tattoo with the cleaver and spatula, he -> created a noisy diversion. [www.ocregister.com] => => The NFL draft could one day lead to the invention of some sort of => couch spatula. Or perhaps Teflon trousers. [www.ocregister.com] -> -> He requested a spatula, dubbing it a "fanny-slapping spatula," and -> squeezed lime halves so vigorously it looked like an Olympic event. [www.mercurynews.com] => => "I think last year St. Joe's was very similar to us," says Weber, => whose high-pitched hyperkineticism suggests Pee-wee Herman on => amphetamines. [www.latimes.com] -> -> Nevermind that it looks like George Jetson moved in next to Pee-wee -> Herman. In Venice, anything goes. [fairfieldweekly.com] => => "The first words I speak in this play are [unconnected Dada-istic] => English words which sound like French words from a poem about => Tzara. I can't speak the French"Hewitt breaks into a Pee Wee Herman => babble"but that's what it is. There's crap like that throughout the => damn play. Fine, Tom, fine!" [www.boston.com] -> -> Oh, and if you look to your left you'll see the woman with her -> collection of . . . Pee-wee Herman dolls? ''For the past four -> years, we've had this woman who comes with her Pee-wee Herman dolls -> and sets them all up beside her," says Terrence Morash, the PRC's -> executive director. Believe it. [www.nypost.com] => => And Debra said Lou, whom she describes as "a cross between Gotti => and Joey Buttafuoco -- he's no Pee-wee Herman," is too much of a => wimp to stand up to his temperamental temptress. [www.thread.co.nz] -> -> In other words, if when you get on the dance floor you look like -> Pee-Wee Herman, you might want to take a pass. The gameplay is -> simple enough. -> -> [the game in question is "Amplitude".] [www.mercurynews.com] => => As Rodgers took on the forgotten, forlorn look of Pee-wee Herman at => the Oscars as the hours and the picks passed him by, the talking => heads jumped on his release point. [www.usatoday.com] -> -> And, for the fans, there is something to be said for having a -> dominant team or two that every other club can target. What would -> Star Wars have been if Pee-wee Herman had done the voice of Darth -> Vader? [www.rockymountainnews.com] => => [...] the first thing I notice about York is that he looks about as => much like a poet as Pee Wee Herman does a forklift operator. [www.jsonline.com] -> -> More than one small town in Wisconsin has, from time to time, found -> itself without a candidate on the ballot for a local office. Almost -> invariably, some chucklehead writes in Mickey Mouse or Brett Favre -> or Pee-wee Herman. [news.toonzone.net] => => If you see a little kid in a suit and a red bowtie who isn't => pretending to be Pee Wee Herman, run. Because if that's Conan, => chances are someone near you will have their child kidnapped, their => boss decapitated, or their mother pushed off a balcony. [www.pwinsider.com] -> -> Monty says that it for Monty Brown, Jeff Jarrett, and William -> Pistol; at Lockdown it will be like Pee Wee Herman at a movie -> theater, they will hold their own. [www.rockymountainnews.com] => => Middle Son and Youngest Son argue loudly, baritone voices filling => the house. Over what? Who should walk the dog. Who should grab a => roll of paper towels. Whether SpongeBob SquarePants is really => Pee-wee Herman in squishy disguise (these are boys in their late => teens). [seattlepi.nwsource.com] -> -> Played by Australian native and original Teatro ZinZanni cast -> member Tim Tyler, the tall and skinny Mr. P.P. looks like a -> fussier, more fastidious Pee-Wee Herman who is constantly -> instructing a large waitstaff that doubles as a troupe of singers, -> dancers and jugglers. [www.newsday.com] => => It's understandable why a major label would try to tone the band => down a bit, but that's like putting Pee-Wee Herman in Armani - => there's no hiding the utter weirdness underneath. => => [the band in question is "Hot Hot Heat".] [www.680news.com] -> -> Toronto Police have put 15 suspects behind bars in connection with -> the case of the "Pee-Wee Herman" crew. -> -> Detectives gave the the gang the nickname because one of the -> bandits had the same slicked back hairstyle of the TV character. [www.ndsmcobserver.com] => => [...] but honestly, for a kid who played with Transformers until => age twelve, watching Pee Wee's show was the least of my problems. => => [...] => => Like Pee Wee's magic word, alleluia has been under wraps. But now => that it's out of the bag again, just like the magic word, it should => set us off into a fit of euphoria. How can we keep from rejoicing => in the incredible story of Easter? [www.forward.com] -> -> And I'm as guilty as the next person who's spent far too much time -> in thrift stores. Taking my kid to Jane's Exchange (my fave -> junior-level consignment shop), forcing her to watch Pee-wee -> Herman's old TV show instead of "The Wiggles," claiming the TiVo -> "doesn't get" "Barney." [www.jdnews.com] => => He's also done work for many celebrities, installing floors in the => offices of Merv Griffin, Tom Selleck and Pee-Wee Herman. [msn.foxsports.com] -> -> Now that he's off the DL, Chin-Hui Tsao is evidently the Colorado -> closer again. He'll have a shorter leash than The Gimp from Pulp -> Fiction. [www.toytownmunich.com] => => The last place was some dive bar with darts. I never went in cause => I was sure there was a busted gimp up in there somewhere. [www.mg.co.za] -> -> One could point out the leaden pace of all the films; how they -> crawl when they should fly. One could accuse the hallucinatory -> characters -- the Ewoks, for example, a race of abusive -> anthropomorphic -Yorkshire terriers, or Darth Vader, an emphysemic -> S&M gimp with his head stuck in a carburettor -- of being -> invariably feeble. [www.contracostatimes.com] => => "I thought my head would explode," says Scardino, when he heard => [Yoko] Ono make the offer. [www.zwire.com] -> -> [...] but face it, if you have to look online to discover what a -> wedgie is then you deserve what you get. And you should get a -> wedgie. Often. [www.smh.com.au] => => But now the wedger has copped a wedgie himself. [www.maristcircle.com] -> -> The entire story is terribly written and pointless, snagged -> together with twists and turns one could only expect from a wedgie -> on a hot summer day. -> -> [the movie in question is "xXx 2: State Of The Union".] [www.newsleader.com] => => At least you don't have to go back to the House of Delegates. Those => guys would just hide your afternoon cookies and give you a wedgie. [www.sfgate.com headline] -> -> Berries come under scrutiny in waffle test [www.nysun.com] => => He is known for his monumental, very loosely figural, heavily => pummeled, turd-like bronzes. [observer.guardian.co.uk] -> -> '[...] Some articles have given the impression that Stanley -> [Kubrick] was the kind of person who thought, "Oh here's this -> wonderful little turd of mine, I'm going to preserve it and keep it -> in a box."' [www.ssonet.com.au] => => I am never someone who's going to walk into a room, see a turd in => the corner and pretend it's not there. [www.comicbookresources.com] -> -> "[...] They were smart enough to keep us separated as if we were -> nuclear turds!" Nicieza said. [www.thedailyaztec.com] => => Using Microsoft Paint, she scrawled a rough picture of Finky => throwing turds above the caption "Finky Poop Ass Poops Again." [www.eye.net] -> -> A new special friend seems promising, at least until the cutesy -> kittens 'n' flowers e-card they've sent you arrives in your inbox -> like a gift-wrapped turd. [www.esquire.com] => => You think the Roadrunner is such a genius? He's a big beeping turd. [gamesradar.msn.co.uk] -> -> The one turd on the visual carpet's the final boss, who looks like -> a cross between Sean Connery and a Stegosaurus (and, incidentally, -> cheats like an Argentinian midfielder) [...] -> -> [the game in question is "Tekken 5".] [www.thetranscript.com] => => "If they walk around the block and they make three turds," said => Hutchinson, "That's three offenses." [enjoyment.independent.co.uk] -> -> Augusten soon got used to the family trend for treating the turds -> in the toilet bowl as "messengers from heaven", [...] [www.timesonline.co.uk] => => "You know," he said, "that ball fell down there like a soft turd => from a tall mule. How many witnesses do I have?" [www.laweekly.com] -> -> Finally, with nothing better to do and feeling like a penguin in -> his tuxedo, Vladimir took a bite from a hard-boiled egg on his -> plate, instantly realizing that the egg was rotten, and "tasted -> like a turd." What to do? He was an official representative of the -> Soviet government. [news.independent.co.uk] => => Is there something uniquely sublime in the taste of an underground => fungus, which looks, when washed, like a giant sheep's turd? [www.bostonphoenix.com] -> -> Two years ago, Cherian's site suggested that Iraq-war protesters -> make their doodie an act of protest. "It said something like, -> 'We're going to poop on George W. Bush, and every time you poop, -> think about how that represents his policies,' " recalls Praeger, -> who snuck away to an empty conference room in the middle of the -> workday to talk with the Phoenix about turd politics. "Hold on for -> a sec -- do you need this room?" he says to someone in the -> background. "Can I call you right back?" When he does, he admits -> that his employers don't really know about his online status as a -> poop panjandrum. "It's not that they would not like it, it's just -> that," he hesitates, "I don't feel like explaining it." [www.kingcountynews.com] => => "[...] She can marry and divorce as many times as she wants. This => is not illegal but if you are a retarded girl then you must live in => Middle Ages or go to a mental hospital." [www.shelbystar.com] -> -> The troutmobile rested comfortably at the cabin. I decided I was -> caught between "a rock and a tard place" in the middle of the -> creek, leaning on a sun-warmed rock, drinking in life, closing my -> eyes, drifting off.... [www.cornellsun.com] => => (People just don't point and say, "ha! ha! ha! you're a retard!" => with your current "neutral color" bandage because that would be too => enjoyable and require too much effort on their part.) [www.thedailyaztec.com] -> -> A week prior to giving life to this column, an elderly man donning -> a crisply cropped crew cut and a squeaky, black leather jacket -> approached my door. (If ever there were a grim reaper, I'm -> convinced he'd sport leather). [...] -> -> Apparently, religious salesmen had ditched their bikes and suited -> attire for cars and leather jackets (very Fonzie a la "Happy Days," -> might I add). [www.azcentral.com] => => For fun, Everett said, Gilbert teens would drive to Mesa or Phoenix => and cruise around. "It was the Fonzie effect," Everett said. "We => just wanted to look cool. [...]" [www.pittsburghlive.com] -> -> One person wanted to know whether I'd worn the garment "with the -> collar turned up Fonzie-style" because that tended to wear away the -> leather collar. [fantasy.sportingnews.com] => => Fonzie from Happy Days was a wimp. You heard me right. A total => wimp. He was short -- with a big nose. His arms were like pool => cues. He had nothin' better to do than hang around a restaurant run => by a scatter-brained old man. Put him in Brooklyn or South Central => LA in modern times, have him puff up his chest and give one of => those famous "Ays" and he's laughed out of town. Or worse. => => So why was Fonzie so cool? How did he scare bigger guys like Ralph => Malph? How did he get the ladies? OK, perhaps it had something to => do with him being in Wisconsin in the '50s. The => have-no-life-and-wear-the-same-clothes-everyday shtick must have => worked there back then. [www.citizen-times.com] -> -> The killing marks the first murder in Swain County since the 2000 -> slaying of storeowner Fonzie Brendle. [www2.townonline.com] => => More importantly, if the marital trends in America are any => indication, season two of "Joanie Loves Chachi" might have been => wholly unsatisfying. [theedge.bostonherald.com] -> -> Fonzie had several motorcycles, including a Harley, a BSA and a -> Triumph. If any readers out there know the exact models, keep it to -> yourselves. [www.nytimes.com] => => Matthew Sandager, a photographer dressed in all-American Wrangler => jeans and Red Wing work boots on a bar crawl, called the look => "Abercrombie & Fitch meets 'Leave it to Beaver.' " You might think => you'd seen Richie Cunningham cruising Fonzie. [slam.canoe.ca] -> -> There was a loud silence between former Bash Brothers Jose Canseco -> and Mark McGwire. Canseco twitched and McGwire melted down. The -> former with a reputation that has nothing more to lose, the latter -> having his shattered. It was like the Fonz had ratted out on Richie -> Cunningham. And he couldn't even say "Fonzie made me do it." -> -> You always figured Fonz had a dark side. For Richie -- McGwire -- -> darkness set in. Don't do steroids. You'll grow up to be Jose -> Canseco. [news.cincypost.com] => => The diner's menu reflects those 1950s, carb-loving days, with the => staples of burgers, fries and milk shakes, with a few 21st-century => additions such as "Potsie's Caesar Salad." [www.dailyvanguard.com] -> -> After all, Potsie has been a busy boy. Besides riding in Critical -> Mass, he again endeared himself to the gay and lesbian community by -> refusing to endorse the Mrs. Oregon pageant because of a rule -> stipulating that contestants must be married to a man. -> -> [...] -> -> Everyone knows Potsie has a past. [www.news-miner.com] => => On top of all of that, I think I've got competition. I could have => sworn I heard another boreal owl across the road just the other => night. I'm not a wimp but this guy sounded tough. He had a deeper, => slower hoot than me, like he was king of the boreal forest or => something. Just what I need, Fonzie moving into the neighborhood. => => "Phoo, phoo, phoo, phoo, phoo, phoo, phoo." [www.purdueexponent.org] -> -> "People are allowed to fart in public, and that smells just as bad -> as cigarette smoke. [...]" [www.theeastcarolinian.com] => => If you reserve the right to smoke on the mall when I'm trying to => enjoy the view and the air, I reserve the right to fart in your => iced cappuccino. [www.theaustralian.news.com.au] -> -> She is concerned that many people, particularly women, display a -> chronic lack of fibre in their diets which she says may be linked -> to a "fear of farting". [www.philly.com] => => Women have the fainting gene, men have the farting gene. [cities.expressindia.com] -> -> MTV's Lie-o-Meter for the rapid fire round is the Kuch Kuch Hota -> Hai sardar kid in adult form, threatening to fart the second Karan -> dares to lie. [www.smh.com.au] => => [...] version of the doughnut, the beignet, was very popular in the => 17th century, when a small round version acquired the unlikely name => of pet de nonne (nun's fart). [www.pwtorch.com] -> -> Heidenreich won a squash with a Black Hole Slam, then told a poem -> about farting. [www.fijitimes.com] => => "It's like an old snake crawling across the valley and farting out => dust clouds that spoil the crops and forces us to sell cheaply," he => said. [allafrica.com] -> -> But last week's 'Health and Beauty' supplement in The New Vision -> verged on the tasteless when it carried an article on 'How to avoid -> that embarrassing fart' and, in another piece, showed close-up -> pictures of how not to squeeze a pimple. [www.theherald.co.uk] => => Socialism was bulging muscles; the working classes were a => beer-belly. Clause Four was an eggy fart, and a deep shameless => scratch down the backside of a pair of shellsuit trousers. Old => Labour was like Old Man. It wasn't getting people into bed. [www.campustimes.org] -> -> Well, Grenville started to chat up my friend Laura, and he asked -> her what she studied at school. She responded with English and art. -> When Grenville heard this, he started laughing, and when asked what -> tickled his funny bone, he laughed again and said, "Oh, it's just -> that in my head, I play this game where I combine the syllables of -> two words together, so with 'English' and 'art,' I made 'fart.'" [www.talkboxing.com] => => Such raw talent can only be eclipsed by one thing: The stench of => the giant fart of unfairness. [www.timesonline.co.uk] -> -> Surely it has to be better than a life of thumping the toddler, -> munching Twizzlers and farting in front of Trisha. [www.gadgetryblog.com] => => Some people think botty burping is rude and uncouth. Some happen to => think it is hilarious. I couldn't care less really. [torontosun.com] -> -> The Queen Elizabeth Building will be busy as a fart in a mitten. [www.thesimon.com] => => Okay, I concede that Jedi was a sign of things to come, with its => burping aliens and cute little dwarves in teddy bear costumes. We => should have expected it. But no, now we had to suffer through => Jar-Jar Binks. Alien creatures farting... on camera. [www.canoe.ca] -> -> "[...] I am generally able to enjoy the overall experience and not -> get caught up on the negatives like most people ... I can handle a -> Jar Jar fart -- or one might call it a Jart Jart far ... me so -> excited." [www.cinematical.com] => => Meanwhile, everybody's hanging out with a farting animatronic trash => can that basically functions as Lassie-in-space ("what's that, => R2?"), [www.theforce.net] -> -> Now, if we could just find out if Yoda really farted or not ... -> just kidding. [www.star-ecentral.com] => => And he even learnt enough Malay to say stuff like terima kasih => (thank you) and even expanded his vocabulary by saying kentut => (fart). [www.therip.com] -> -> I stared at the Best Buy employee as if he just farted the national -> anthem. I asked what a mail-in rebate was and how does it work. [www.cincypost.com] => => "I can make this bag fart," a kindergartner named Jake said during => his visit to the nursing home where I volunteer on Tuesdays. [www.theage.com.au] -> -> "It was a fart that smelled of elves' hair and was composed -> principally of ideas the kind that Anna Friels might do," he says, -> [...] [www.dailytimes.com.pk] => => The desserts were most interesting. Chunks of apple preserve and a => bitter chocolate cake shaped liked an orifice with a choice of => plain or clotted cream. [www.zwire.com] -> -> Mr. Orifice said he was excited about the Freehold culinary-arts -> and hospitality-management academy. [www.morecambetoday.co.uk] => => To those concerned Vale supporters on the touchline she explained => that the prop was breathing out of every orifice; perhaps his => recent stag weekend was starting to make demands on his body! [www.jpost.com] -> -> In the former work, the explosive confluence of linear birthday -> cake pinks, flaming reds and a stinging saffron orange coalesce -> into a complex system of intertwined circular movements that fall -> ultimately into a grayed vaginal orifice. [cooma.yourguide.com.au] => => Shorting of trying to light gases that are expelled from an => orifice, there's not really a lot else we can think of. [www.bucyrustelegraphforum.com] -> -> '"We're like White Castle. We never close," Cornwell said, noting -> the cuts would also affect the ability of Crawford, Seneca and -> Morrow county jails to take out-of-county prisoners [...] [www.venturacountystar.com] => => A ninth-grade memento, smeared with genuine White Castle grease, => inspired me to send a few drops of McDonald's mustard to Illinois. [www.nytimes.com] -> -> As the bus doors opened, the cold air hit me with a whoosh, and at -> the sight of the White Castle on Willoughby Street I started crying -> again. Ian loved White Castle. The fact that I was now being -> brought to tears by the purveyors of low-quality midget hamburgers -> made me feel even more pathetic, [...] [www.thelouisvillechannel.com] => => "The investigation also details finding scores of babies buried => only a foot deep, and finding bones everywhere from a toolbox to a => White Castle bag, forcing authorities to shut down the cemeteries." [www.latimes.com] -> -> White Castle? I'd rather eat my socks. [www.ascensioncitizen.com] => => Robert is the remnant of a string of family businesses once located => in New Orleans, White Castle, Plaquemine and Vacherie. [www.oregonlive.com] -> -> Print out offensive blogs or messages. [www.ptleader.com] => => "If another hairy-legged broad 'pedantically' instructs me, I think => I'll scream." [www.nysun.com] -> -> He takes regular jabs at the looming figure he calls "Professor -> Horrendo" and deftly rebuts "the pedantic pecking of cocksure -> commentators." [www.yorkshiretoday.co.uk] => => Perhaps the apostrophe is on its way out, and within a generation, => will join its sad, forgotten friends such as "Master" and "Esq" in => pedants' corner. But it shouldn't go without us understanding why. [www.indolink.com] -> -> It should reach every human being on earth. Reaching them should -> not just be a padding of their being with pedantic narration of -> high profile sermons. [times.hankooki.com] => => Norigae is a decorative pedant hung from the top piece of the => traditional garment. [www.jpost.com] -> -> FIGURE PAINTINGS created by Nir Hod over the past two years are -> comprised of pedantically produced billboards that attempt to -> summon up feelings of desire, death, separation and love. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The latest big batch of fragments of news-like articles (part 2 of 2) Date: Sun, 29 May 2005 04:04:26 -0400 Continued from previous article... [www.belvoireagle.com] => => Judges look for displays with varying textures, leaf sizes and => shades of green, explained design chairman Dolores Felch. [www.zwire.com] -> -> Germershausen, a Republican of Felch Road, is seeking a second -> three-year term on the governing body. [www.nj.com] => => Lucy Felcher works for a jeweler in Manhattan's diamond district => and has a keen eye for diamonds, precious metals and other => sumptuous substances. [www.newtimesbpb.com] -> -> Its resolution, so misty-eyed that it was soaking wet, was more -> than pedantic; it was pedestrian. [news.bbc.co.uk] => => Another neighbour Ramesh Sil says Namita is "overdoing her => affection for the monkey". [www.backpackinglight.com] -> -> Campmor and Equinox cut a few corners to reduce cost and their -> construction/design is not at the same level as the higher priced -> Integral Design Sil Poncho. [www.minnesotasportsmanmag.com] => => I have yet to discover a destination where you can be catching => walleyes in a big lake all day and gorge yourself on lutefisk at => the local eatery that evening. [www.mercurynews.com] -> -> If a stench was emanating from the garbage-burning plant, it would -> make for quite an olfactory blend -- popcorn, brats, beer and Aunt -> Lena's rotting lutefisk. [www.wispolitics.com] => => Then there was this quip. "Do you know what you get when you cross => lutefisk and LSD? A one-way trip to Stoughton." [www.adn.com] -> -> Foster claimed, among other things, that Elkins once mixed LSD with -> lutefisk and ended up with a bad trip to Petersburg. [www.thenewstribune.com] => => Call pig intestines chitlins. Call cow tripe menudo. Call lye-cured => cod lutefisk. Put everything in a bowl and call it pho. [www.madison.com] -> -> About the only seafood on Miller's freezer shelves not labeled by -> country of origin was the little pile of frozen lutefisk, a form of -> preserved cod and an acquired taste for Scandinavian consumers. It -> was not labeled because it had been packaged before the late -> December deadline for the new law to effect seafoods. And, said -> Valentine, "lutefisk tends to stick around for a long time." [www.venturacountystar.com] => => But lutefisk will be unnoticeably absent. [www.grandforks.com] -> -> "We hardly eat lutefisk," said Steinar Opstad of the American -> College of Norway. "So if your parents try to get you to eat it, -> say no." [www.keloland.com] => => He has no idea what he'll do with the retirement he really didn't => want, except make the rounds of the lutefisk circuit. Oh, yeah. [www.thesentinel.com] -> -> Big horsy looking goofs. Whenever I hear the word 'caps' I think of -> plaid sport coats and game show host Gene Rayburn. [www.keloland.com] => => The bloodmobile is a big deal in our small towns. It's a social => event. [...] If they gave lutefisk instead of cookies they'd => probably have to turn them away. [www.motocrossactionmag.com] -> -> It is the key to living a long and happy life with your thumper. If -> you don't know anything about your fuel screw, you are in luck. [blogs.zdnet.com] => => "No one country has the ability to say 'screw you' to anybody. => [...]" [www.southbendtribune.com] -> -> "Andy Griffith would be ashamed of you, and it is sad that there -> are not enough Andy Griffiths to calm down the Barney Fife-like -> pedants that you lifestyle Nazis emulate." [seattletimes.nwsource.com restaurant review] => => You won't encounter any vegetables more unusual than okra. This is => not a bad thing, [...] [www.jamaica-gleaner.com] -> -> The okra bean stew and veggie vitaliser at Daudrie Perry's booth -> got the attention of Karlene March who nodded and breathed out, -> "hum" as she tasted. [news.webindia123.com] => => "What we have to recognise is that the oil and gas industry is not => selling tomatoes and bhindi (okra)." [www.hindu.com] -> -> Okra is Rs. [www.joplinindependent.com] => => Sculpture includes "Okra People", made of (what else?) okra, a => whimsical wooden bird carved from an old fence post, and "Shrunken => Head," a garden sculpture made from the drive shaft of a Ford => tractor. [www.sfgate.com] -> -> I said I didn't know a thing about girl No. 1, but that Grace Slick -> had probably been brought up on truffles; Danielle added -> irrelevantly that Janis Joplin had probably been forced to eat -> okra. [www.zwire.com] => => It was his voice that described the 89-yard punt return by LSU's => Billy Cannon on that cold and damp 1959 Halloween night at => okra-slick Tiger Stadium. [www.gnn.tv] -> -> When vegetables fail to grow, they eat wild okra, a plant that is -> traditionally believed to sap men's strength. [www.hcnews.com] => => Scientists who dug up the carcass six months later said it was => closer to 8 feet and 800 pounds. Imagine the okra they found => growing in that compost. [www.timesonline.co.uk] -> -> I was explaining to my wife, whose mother tongue is not English, -> that the seasonal pastime I was planning is called an Easter egg -> hunt, not the egg Easter-hunt that she was advertising to our kids. -> In fact, just to be even more pedantic, I elaborated that it is an -> Easter-egg hunt, not to be confused with an Easter egg-hunt: there -> being no other seasons of egg-hunt. -> -> But perhaps I was being hasty. [searchviews.com] => => If the search networks were reduced to swapping notes in the => hallway, Google might emerge from class to find a sign on its => locker saying "Bring it!" [www.fox23news.com] -> -> Germany, Brazil, India, Japan, and South Africa have been pushing -> proposals to expand the council or to have a system of rotation -> that will permit other countries to sit on it. [www.kget.com] => => I honestly don't mind movies where you are asked to put your brain => in your back pocket and sit on it for two hours. [www.ctv.ca] -> -> We'd push the other bench seat forward to make room for all the -> gear and then basically sit on it and be bounced around. [www.bw.lehigh.edu] => => "The only thing you can not do with a bayonet is sit on it," he => said, quoting French diplomat Charles Talleyrand. [www.sail-world.com] -> -> 'I found him lying on the deck this morning -- eyeless -- and one -> of his eyes was just next to him. Don't know where the other one -> went. Hope I didn't sit on it.' [www.juicenewsdaily.com] => => Also there is a rock near by that has a story that is unknown what => it is about, but they say if you sit on it you will die within => seven years. [www.shreveporttimes.com] -> -> The Taser has gained a reputation on the street. It's called "the -> chair," according to patrol officers working the beat. [www.observer-online.com] => => "I like doing stuff like this," Mosher said. => => It was only in the five seconds during which a Taser sent => electricity through his body that he let out a groan, [...] [www.iowastatedaily.com] -> -> Orange cones marked out a course in the parking lot of Hilton -> Coliseum as men in leather gear raced through them, [...] [www.heraldnet.com] => => For weeks on end one came upon a different orange cone => configuration every day. The final results hardly warranted all the => days spent. [www.canada.com] -> -> [...] North Dakota Senator Byron Dorgan dramatized his country's -> concerns about lax security on the Canada-US border by holding up -> an orange traffic cone. [www.berkeleydaily.org] => => Perhaps the police thought I removed the plastic orange traffic => cone from in front of my driveway so that I could kidnap it, and => torture it to death. [pressherald.mainetoday.com] -> -> Before the shoe ad, it was seeing the orange traffic cones the -> color of summer flip-flops that said spring to me. [www.zwire.com] => => Each orange cone on the obstacle course was considered a student's => friend. [desmoinesregister.com] -> -> Reno quickly detected a marijuana-scented tape roll hidden under an -> orange cone. [www.joplinglobe.com] => => I am getting sick of orange. => => Not the fruit -- the color. As in the skinny, orange traffic cones => that the Missouri Department of Transportation has planted all up => and down Seventh Street. => => By the way, what happened to the short, tubby, orange traffic => cones? Are these new, taller, skinny traffic cones another sign => that we as a society have become obsessed with physical beauty in => the Victoria's-Secret-model sort of way? If so, I have a problem => with that. [www.usatoday.com] -> -> The hole, since it famously entraps golf's elite, is largely -> sadistic. [www.insidehighered.com] => => I fancy myself a pretty good sadist when it comes to generating => shame and self-loathing in the tardy. [www.internetnews.com] -> -> Whether users simply downloaded the browser to check out the latest -> features, like voice-navigated browsing and small screen rendering -> (SSR), or were of a sadistic bent, downloads reached 1.05 million -> Saturday. -> -> [The browser in question is Opera 8.] [joongangdaily.joins.com] => => As teachers, our only wish is to impart our knowledge without being => poked by degenerate kindergarten sadists. Has the time not come for => children to put their hands in their pockets and not posteriors? [allafrica.com] -> -> Laughter catches me as I write this, but I refuse to laugh, because -> I am not a sadist. [www.washingtonpost.com] => => I detected a certain amount of sadism in the vendors' shouts of => "Ice cold Pepsi! Who wants an ice cold Pepsi?!" [www.nwanews.com] -> -> We asked them to keep their selections to three each because we're -> not sadists. (Then somebody accused us of sadism because we'd -> limited their choices to only three.) [entertainment.tv.yahoo.com -- typo is theirs] => => "I had a lex wax done...He keeps saying 'body wax,' " the woman => said, in an apparent appeal to the jury. "There is no body wax." [icwales.icnetwork.co.uk] -> -> A DALEK-style robotic doctor could be caring for patients on the -> wards of Welsh hospitals. [news.independent.co.uk] => => Even in comparison with other landmines, the Valmara 69 is a => menacing object. Five horns stick out of its head making it look => like a miniature Dalek. [backbytes.computing.co.uk] -> -> 'I'm not much of a Dalek expert but doesn't the name "Dalek" stand -> for Don't Av Lan-Enabled Kabling?' asks John Hamling, at P N Lee -> Statistics & Computing. No, is the answer we're looking for there. [www.sentinelandenterprise.com] => => "Besides, they get bombarded with homework. The teachers give them => enough for the week," George Dalek of Winchendon said. [rr.ps2.ign.com] -> -> Weights was the worst thing i have ever seen you pull a cord while -> some guy in the back fiddles with space station controls and a -> video camera and heavy bag looks like a dalek from doctor who my -> god they've chonked this game out with speed for the mainstream -> bigtime.... -> -> [the game in question is "EA Sports Fight Night Round 2".] [www.aussiexbox.com.au] => => Unfortunately Swoop racing, has taken a turn for the worse, => utilising jumps and a collision 'bounce back' system, that takes a => galactic year to recover from -- making this one only for sadists. => => [the game in question is "Star Wars: Knights Of The Old Republic 2".] [www.laweekly.com] -> -> [...] leaving us with a not-at-all-fun house of sadism and perversity. -> -> [the film in question is "Oldboy".] [www.pittsburghlive.com] => => All this stylization, though, trumps any pretense at content, which => blends dominatrices, skinheads, perverted clergy and sadists in a => cesspool without relief. => => [the film in question is "Sin City".] [www.dehavilland.co.uk] -> -> "This bear is perverse, dominatrix and hardcore. We had to ban it -> because of the children," said Mr Seeberger-Quin. [www.hbtoday.co.nz] => => Bureaucracy dealt a cruel blow to S and M enthusiasts this week - => and while they might have quite enjoyed it, I'm not at all sure => they deserved it. In a land where you once needed a criminal => conviction to get in and were within your rights to shoot the => indigenous population on sight, it seems entirely unfair that a => minority group should have its civil liberties curtailed. => => As part of a wide-ranging set of guidelines, Australian funeral => directors this week outlawed the cremation of anyone wearing latex, => plastic or rubber clothing. [www.stuff.co.nz] -> -> Before anyone could get excited about his secret proclivities with -> dominatrixes, Mr Mark identified the garment as a Los Angeles -> Police Department standard issue bullet-proof vest. [www.boston.com] => => It's hard to imagine a pediatrician who could be pro-crying, => particularly this small, softspoken, bespectacled man who runs the => Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders at Children's Hospital Boston. => He occupies a tiny office free of decoration and refers to patients => quaintly as ''youngsters." A poster boy for sadism, he's not. [www.nzherald.co.nz] -> -> The stinger season is from November through to May or June. -> -> This seems like a peculiarly sadistic Aussie joke. [www.dallasnews.com] => => "Sadism is always right over the hill. You have to admit it. Don't => fool yourself -- there is a part of you that will say, 'This is => fun.'" [www.treocentral.com] -> -> Call me a sadist, but I love taking a PDA and tossing it across the -> room or dunking it underwater. [www.hockeysfuture.com] => => This isn't because the small town just north of Calgary, Alberta is => sadist. [www.sundayherald.com] -> -> For supporters of Dunfermline, Dundee, Livingston and Dundee -> United, not to mention any neutral sadists out there, the race to -> avoid the drop promises to be as ruthless and relentless as the -> annual skirmish between the Old Firm at the top of the table. [www.theherald.co.uk] => => Even more of an aged pedant today when I hear an entire Radio 4 => item on the manufacture of liquorice which is referred to => throughout by all the (English) commentators as "lickerish". This => is a nonsense of course as the word in fact means "lecherous" and => lickerish is a corruption of it. There may well be very odd people => about who become somewhat lascivious over Pontefract cakes but very => odd they must be at that. [www.jsonline.com] -> -> Madison is 64 square miles surrounded not only by Dreyfusian -> reality, but by acres and acres of poopy pastures. Dane is a turd -> world county. [www.tuscaloosanews.com] => => "I just want to get my (Richard Nixon) sucked," he said. => => "I can't help you there," I answered. He clarified, saying he => wanted money so he could get someone else to do it. => => I'm not sure what it says about the world when people choose to beg => for money to be spent on oral sex rather than food. [www.abc.net.au] -> -> More officers dressed in full riot gear then charged at the crowd, -> using sharp tools to pop all of the protesters' balloons. [www.sundaymail.co.uk] => => 'It's fair to say they were not amused at being invaded by a => time-travelling robot.' [jam.canoe.ca] -> -> Interestingly, [Kevin] Smith wrote a Superman script in 1998 for -> producer Jon Peters who incredulously requested Smith include a gay -> robot in the plot. [www.metroweekly.com] => => We demand gay zombies! Gay zombies now! No, the Queer Eye guys => don't count. [www.guardian.co.uk] -> -> In more than half of Nike's factories, the report said, employees -> worked more than 60 hours a day. [www.theberlincitizen.com] => => Last week, a huge crane was brought in and assembled on site in => preparation for the work of driving about 20 giant H piles (so => named for its end configuration) into the bedrock. [www.baltimoresun.com] -> -> Bryn-Julson keeps a few other tributes to her heritage hidden -> behind a closet door, including a bumper sticker that urges, -> "Legalize Lutefisk," the lye-soaked cod dish that only a Norwegian -> could embrace wholeheartedly. [www.sfgate.com] => => It's strange how that works with performers who assume a => semi-fictional identity: We know it's not real, and that's OK. But => if we find out it's completely phony, we lose interest. Thus, => Pee-wee Herman. [www.sundayherald.com] -> -> "You know," she laughs, "you're too anally retentive about poos and -> bodily functions. That must be your Scottish upbringing! We should -> get away from the fact that we can't talk about poos or look at -> them. I have opened up the nation to looking at their poos and I -> know they are all looking at them now. I've brought them out of the -> closet, and it was about time. I never gave it much thought that it -> would be undignified. It's something I've done for so long, and I -> was used to it, so maybe that's my naivety. However I think that -> it's done the country a service." [www.14wfie.com] => => A warning about this next story: It may gross you out - so you may => want to put that spoon down until later. [www.mercurynews.com] -> -> After much examination, she and her tablemates realized just what -> the special ingredient was. Then the vomiting commenced. [www.rednova.com] => => The potato creates mucilage, giving the stomach a protective layer. [www.collegian.psu.edu] -> -> Mahon said officials do not know what the word "tang" means or why -> it was painted on the buildings. [www.australianit.com.au] => => Each pair comes with custom pockets to hold memory keys, a => Leatherman toolkit and MP3 music player, as well as it own unique => unidentified stain. [www.boxofficeprophets.com] -> -> Thomas Kretschmann, who we all loved in SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses -> 2, plays the cannibal. [npr.streamsage.com automatic transcription of radio program] => => Has been the Fox at BDSM two nations state so with the following a => positive so the meaning Estaban becoming independent. [www.harmony-central.com] -> -> The PRS's stock humbucker pups have as much crunch & tone as my -> fave pups. Which are BC RICH BDSM's. [www.kyw1060.com] => => "I mean, you have many, many stab wounds and those 'Dungeons and => Dragons' fantasy games involve swords and knives and daggers and => things of that nature. There may be a connection but I can't say => for sure." [www.afterelton.com] -> -> And if there's money to be made by "gaying up" the old game shows, -> you'll see a lot more programming in that area, confirms Hirsch. [www.laweekly.com] => => Adam Sandler looks like Albert Brooks' older brother. Nicole Kidman => should have known better. And Christian Bale plays Batman not gay. => Got that? NOT GAY! [www.dallasvoice.com] -> -> "On the Internet, only a few people wrote mean, homophobic things -> -- people who were nervous that I was going to make the Fantastic -> Four gay. [...]" [www.artnet.com] => => He's striped the dodecahedral skylight in violet; run evenly spaced => lime green dashes like crenellations down the atrium side of the => spiraling ramp; and built a huge mirror-surfaced, right-angled => structure out from the ramp into the atrium, an edifice that looks => as if the corner of a modernist skyscraper had somehow plowed its => way into Wright's round museum. [www.washingtonpost.com] -> -> It is clear that, left to their own devices, the nutrition-weenie -> designers of the new food pyramid would have instead created a food -> rhombus or a food hypercube or an inverted isosceles food -> dodecahedron, but were persuaded by USDA public relations people -> that the thing had to at least seem simple. So the food pyramid now -> is three-dimensional, with six partitions of different widths and -> colors. But it is very, very easy to use, according to the gigantic -> inter-active Web site you must consult to understand it. [www.dfw.com] => => Unlike other forms of electronic distribution -- direct downloads => and regular peer-to-peer (P2P) file-sharing -- BitTorrent is sort => of an inverted-pyramid scheme. Or dodecahedron. Or some other => polyhedron with about a thousand sides. [ussoccerplayers.com] -> -> It will be the second straight game for the Revs playing under -> difficult circumstances -- on Saturday, they played on a field -> shaped like a dodecahedron at RFK Stadium [...] [www.vvdailypress.com] => => To plant seeds, follow packet instructions => => One day last week, a co-worker asked how do you plant seeds. My => quick response was, it depends on the seed! Of course, this is the => time of year when that question is probably going to come up a lot. => => My answer, in most cases, would be it varies from seed to seed, so => read and follow closely the instructions on the seed packet. [www.news.com.au] -> -> A RESTAURATEUR who painted over a dead rat on the floor instead of -> cleaning it up has been fined $30,000 for gross breaches of the -> food standards code. [www.thewbalchannel.com] => => "Personally, if something is meant for my 'hu-ha', I don't think => I'm going to put it on my eyes," Hoffman added. [www.lancasteronline.com] -> -> The Game Show Network was showing B celebrities playing blackjack, -> which is pretty lame. At least you could show reruns of "The Match -> Game." [www.prospect.org] => => The kinds of shows I watched regularly during my childhood in the => 1970s -- Three Stooges shorts, The Match Game (in which the most => popular response to roughly every other question was "boobs"), => professional wrestling -- would undoubtedly receive the seal of => approval from any new system of standards and practices. But today => I really wish I could recover the brain cells that the tube => vaporized during that era. [www.exclaim.ca] -> -> But he does admit to some exaggerated yarn-spinning regarding the -> lyrics. "There are elements of truth. It's more like the paranoia," -> he says. "I've never been pleasured by the experience of having a -> nurse or doctor sticking their finger in my ass." [www.sfgate.com] => => More to the point, it is not hard to buy a finger. I can get you a => finger. [www.stereophile.com] -> -> Or, to put it another way: For 20 years I've had a bug up my ass -> about a certain type of speaker that has only recently been -> extracted. [www.news24.com] => => "She came back and threw the magazine down in my lap. That's when I => told her she was fuckin' rude," said Hoffman. => => "She obviously does not know the difference between fuckin' and => fuck you, because she claimed I was swearing at her." [www.boiseweekly.com] -> -> "Fucking turn your fucking radio fucking on!" Alvarez yells out the -> window of the truck he's driving, at a soldier in another vehicle -> who hasn't been responding to his repeated pleas. -> -> Alvarez is one of those stereotypical crusty sergeant types. [blogcritics.org] => => There's a lot to be said for a big fucking sludgy filthy riff that => a man can just lay back and sneer with. [www.gateway.ualberta.ca] -> -> I worked all year to get the chance to write a melancholy send-off -> about how tough all that working was, so you can just go fuck -> yourself, and your sandwich. [www.nyunews.com] => => To give a quick summary of the site, it basically details the party => and girl scene around Illinois State University in the city of => Normal, in what most would consider a misogynist fashion. [www.timesonline.co.uk] -> -> If I forget my name, or the colour of my husband's toothbrush, or -> mistake him for a hat like the man in the book by Oliver Sacks, -> then presumably I will be sent home to Scotland and we will have to -> endure a lifetime of rain, cold and haggis. [independent-bangladesh.com] => => The well-known author Oliver Sacks was coming to visit with my => collection of chemical elements; I needed some after-dinner => entertainment. [icwales.icnetwork.co.uk] -> -> Christine Moody, 78, of Bath, who became allergic to electricity -> after being caught in a lightning storm in Cornwall and now can't -> even wear a batterywatch, is also allergic to bee and wasp sting, -> yeast and gas. [www.wired.com] => => "Dust is the No. 1 environmental problem on the moon," said Apollo => 17 astronaut Harrison Schmitt, [...] [www.nytimes.com] -> -> In smaller rooms nearby, one man is alternately flushing cylinders -> of miso paste, wadded-up paper, and as many as 24 golf balls at a -> time, while another is inspecting different glazes on ceramic -> tiles. [seattlepi.nwsource.com] => => Grocery list at Trader Joe's: hormone-free milk (check), organic => creamy tomato soup (check), blue corn tortilla chips (check), and => the cute guy reaching for the frozen chicken masala? [www.middletonguardian.co.uk] -> -> And the lads at North Manchester High School for Boys on -> Charlestown Road banished turkey twizzlers from the menu, replacing -> them with fresh alternatives including Quorn bakes and vegetable -> biriyanis. [www.telegraph.co.uk] => => His only mount at the Quorn, a debutant six-year-old, refused the => first fence. [www.mtsusidelines.com] -> -> Another practice the survey asked about was autoerotic -> asphyxiation, where one partner chokes the other before orgasm. [www.indystar.com] => => The first bite actually made my wife suppress the gag reflex. [www.nytimes.com] -> -> Presumably no research was necessary for the phrase "hard shell, -> but soft nougat center" to describe this sulky 16-year-old kid. [news.cincypost.com] => => Matthew, the son of Mary and Tim Giese, won the bee by correctly => spelling "nougatine," a chocolate with a nougat center. [ad-rag.com] -> -> The ice-creams unfortunate name is "Nogger Black" as it is a -> liquorice flavored version of the classic nougat-flavored "Nogger". [www.telegraph.co.uk] => => [...] and Pope Benedict XVI chocolate cake. "Tomorrow we're doing => nougat-filled Pope doughnuts," she said. [www.sunherald.com] -> -> During my lifetime, nougat has lived on the periphery of the -> chocolate bar lexicon, like the weird uncle that no one ever sees -> but always talks about. [www.avvideo.com] => => One segment in particular we're especially proud of is "The Nougat => of Knowledge". In this segment the editors explain certain aspects => to the editing process (timeline, digitizing, rendering, etc.) so => that audience at home can learn about editing while being => entertained. [www.sunstar.com.ph] -> -> Shifting now to depict the barn shed, I mix brown, raw umber and -> nougat to paint the roof cover, sidewalls door and front facade. [www.news24.com] => => Despite media speculation to the contrary, the culprit responsible => for depositing dog dung next to Inkatha Freedom Party leader => Mangosuthu Buthelezi's bench in the National Assembly on Thursday => is in all likelihood a security dog. [www.furnituretoday.com] -> -> Chromcraft will debut five domestically made stationary upholstery -> groups, four in fabric, one in leather. [sport.independent.co.uk] => => Harmison is a doting father, and watching him at home playing with => his children it was difficult to comprehend the type of fear he can => put into grown men when he has a small red leather object in his => right hand. [www.komotv.com] -> -> The things children climb up and slide down are now melted and -> useless. [www.sky.com] => => Advertisers Procter and Gamble said they believed only the very => young might mimic Harriot's actions in the Fairy Power Spray ad and => that they would not be tall enough to kiss the top of a cooker. [news.scotsman.com] -> -> And if this charming custom came to Britain, I wouldn't mind a bit -> if a man said to me: "OK. No tied-up testicles -- no opinion." [abcnews.go.com] => => Only a quarter of condoms made in India are used for sex, most of => the others are used to make saris, toys and bathroom slippers, a => newspaper reported Saturday. [www.advertiser-tribune.com] -> -> "I want you to give yourself a wedgie," Tiffin University's Good -> Morning World Series speaker Christy Metcalf said. -> -> "Have you ever had a wedgie before? "The reason that you need to -> give yourself a wedgie is because as a child, whatever we were -> doing when we got a wedgie, it made us stop and think about what we -> were doing. It just made us stop and think." Well, that's all for now. And as always, I remain puzzled that searches on words like "fuck" don't yield interesting results. My favorite is still "Pee-wee Herman" because that always matches lots of articles making bizarre (and dated) analogies, without ever actually finding any articles about Pee-wee Herman. Make of these quotes what you will. If you want to write the rest of the article that should be around each one, go right ahead. -- K. And no, I did not feel ambitious enough to slip some fake ones in this time. Maybe next time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dracula Land will not die! Date: Sun, 29 May 2005 20:17:42 -0400 You might recall that, back when I had access to l'AFP's newswire, they would print about one story a month about the wonders of Romania's nonexistent "Dracula Land" amusement park. On my TV right now, Ed Bradley is reporting a "60 Minutes" piece on how all hopes for Romania's economic future depend on the construction of Dracula Land. There's a computer-rendered mockup of the park, which is filled with eight-foot-diameter shiny green balls on posts (in Romania, all trees are polished to a high gloss) and is surrounded by ten-foot-tall irregular slabs of green foam rubber to prevent escape. I take it this means that Romania is still spending their entire national budget on telling every international news outlet all about how great Dracula Land will be, without even progressing to the point of doing a sketch where the trees aren't glossy billiard balls. And because I am highly devoted to my mission of keeping you informed about how there are way too many "news" stories about the world's most famous imaginary theme park, when I saw these lame-o computer illustrations on "60 Minutes" -- pictures which are not on any of the zillions of Web sites about the imminency of Dracula Land -- I had to capture these breathtaking vistas, using advanced digital wizardry to average adjacent frames in order to make the images as sharp as possible before sharing them with you in all their craptacular glory. BEHOLD! THE FIRST-EVER GLIMPSE OF THE WONDERFUL WONDERS OF WONDROUS DRACULA LAND OF WONDER! http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_dracula_land_tv_1.jpg Whoops, sorry, I just realized that can't be "Dracula Land". It's a frame from "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" that got in there by mistake. Uhura is going to stare at all these slabs of glowing green Styrofoam sliding past the camera and exclaim, "It could hold a crew of tens of thousands!" and then McCoy will drunkenly belch, "OR A CREW OF ONE AND A HALF, EACH THREE THOUSAND MILES TALL!" http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_dracula_land_tv_2.jpg Wow, they've made it even harder for Patrick McGoohan to escape another twenty or thirty times. He'll never be able to pop all those balloons before they eat him. Dracula Land's mascot says, "YOU HAVE NOW SEEN MY DRACULA LAND! IS IT NOT AWESOME? DO I NOT VAMP CORRECTLY? WELL, EXCUUUUUUSE ME!" -- K. Sorry. So very, very sorry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: No information about stinky stuff is contained herein. Date: Mon, 30 May 2005 00:26:09 -0400 [www.rte.ie] -> -> Passengers stranded in Rome over smell -> -> 150 passengers left stranded overnight in Rome by a cancelled -> Aer Lingus flight have an odd-smelling onboard snack to blame -> for their troubles. Okay, so tell us what the snack was and what it smelled like. -> Their flight home was cancelled after a plane that had left Dublin -> for Rome last night was diverted to Gatwick when the smell of gas -> was detected. Okay, so tell us what the snack was and what it smelled like. What type of gas? Butane? Propane? Fartypants? Nitrogen? Helium? Esso? -> Many of the 150 stranded passengers say they were forced to sleep -> on the floor of the airport when no accomodation was offered to them. -> -> A flight from Dublin to Rome had been grounded yesterday afternoon -> due to an air traffic control strike in Italy. It eventually took -> off but suffered a further delay when it was diverted to Gatwick -> following reports of a gas odour. What type of gas? Butane? Propane? Fartypants? Nitrogen? Helium? Esso? -> Dick Butler, the head of operations for Aer Lingus, said that after -> two security checks, the smell turned out to be coming from food a -> passenger had been eating on board. Okay, so tell us what the snack was and what it smelled like. -> Aer Lingus say they attempted to find overnight accommodation for -> the passengers stranded in Rome but it was difficult to find hotels -> because of the air traffic controllers strike. -> -> The passengers are expected to be flown home this afternoon. Aer -> Lingus says it will now review the way it communicates with -> passengers delayed at overseas airports. What about way reporters communicate with their readers? Helium? Esso? Asso? -> [end of article] ARGH!!! STUPID REPORTER!!! THIS IS NOT NEWS UNLESS YOU TELL US WHAT TYPE OF FARTS WHAT TYPE OF FOOD SMELLS LIKE!!! If this were on TV, they'd at least end this chunk of non-information by saying "Find out what type of food it was and how it smelled, tonight at 11!" before forgetting to show the main report because Brad Pitt may or may not be dating someone. -- K. Mercaptylated Durian Fizz? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Superman (was: No information about stinky stuff is contained herein.) Date: Mon, 30 May 2005 19:53:14 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > A movie of Superfriends would be great too. Conan O'Brien could play > Aquaman. It would be two hours of Superman flushing his head down the > toilet. His own head, or Conan's? 'Cause Superman could do either with his powers of super-flushing. The title would be "The Superbowl". -- K. I don't even want to think about the one of the Wonder Twins who can turn into water. Or The Robonic Stooges. Please nobody think about The Robonic Stooges. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: No information about stinky stuff is contained herein. Date: Mon, 30 May 2005 18:54:42 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> 150 passengers left stranded overnight in Rome by a cancelled > > -> Aer Lingus flight have an odd-smelling onboard snack to blame > > -> for their troubles. > > > > ARGH!!! STUPID REPORTER!!! THIS IS NOT NEWS UNLESS YOU TELL US WHAT > > TYPE OF FARTS WHAT TYPE OF FOOD SMELLS LIKE!!! > > The Irish Examiner leaves us hanging even more deliciously precariously: > > => Aer Lingus head of operations Dick Butler later admitted it was "odd > => smelling sweets" and nothing hazardous or dangerous, that had caused > => the diversion. > > Those wacky Irish travelers and their "Benzine Pops" and "Mercaptan > Crunch"! Maybe Benzino Napaloni was returning to Rome after rubbing out Benny Hill for ripping off Chaplin's "Adenoid Hynkel bouncing the globe around the room" routine at least twice. And then Jack Oakie, Mel Blanc, and Arthur Q. Bryan all danced around a maypole chanting an ode to war but nobody understood them because they kept saying "mewwiwy we awe waging war!" Ireland OnLine [breakingnews.iol.ie] has a contradictory story, suggesting that the stinky candy was a ruse: -> -> Aer Lingus is denying claims that 200 passengers have been left stranded -> in Rome overnight without being provided with accommodation. -> -> The flight was one of 200 that was cancelled yesterday because of a -> four-hour strike by Italian air traffic controllers. I suspect this explains why an unidentified passenger had an unidentified food product which had an unidentified aroma. It's just badly-thought-out propaganda someone made up during an emergency. Also, there isn't really a flu epidemic on the Moonbase, no matter what Pan Am says. And Braniff Airways would like you to know that Cartman has a fat ass. -- K. I wish _I_ had a propagandistic airline. I could be the next Howard Hughes! And it would offer discounts to anyone joining the Mile-High Club! I could be the next Hugh Hefner! And every plane would have a Krispy Kreme machine that couldn't be turned off. I could be the next Henry Higgins! And seventy-six seats would be reserved for tromboners. I could be the next Harold Hill! And I would insist that my planes were supposed to smell like sweet propane. I could be the next Hank Hill! Fly Giant HHHHHHHHHH Airways! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Oh gross Date: Mon, 30 May 2005 00:31:36 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Do not accidentally bite down on the fish oil pill. > It's fish concentrate, as if someone were trying to > make a fish perfume and extracted the "essence of > stinky fish", more specifically, sardines. > > The odor and taste warrant criminal assault charges, > if'n I hadn't inflicted this on myself, anyway. A > warning on the darn bottle would be a good thing. Maybe there already is one. Did you check for tiny print about an inch below where it says "Suppositories"? -- K. (womp womp) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Cure For Gay Date: Mon, 30 May 2005 19:45:33 -0400 [www.splcenter.org] -> -> Curious Cures -> -> Defying mainstream science, 'ex-gay' ministries claim that -> homosexuality is a chosen behavior that can be 'cured' No, bacon is a chosen food that can be cured. -> By David Holthouse In the not-so-distant past, gays and lesbians -> were routinely subjected to "reparative therapy" that included -> barbarous "aversion techniques" designed to "cure" them of -> homosexuality. Gay men were shown pictures of naked men and then -> administered electric shocks through electrodes attached to their -> testicles, MUST... NOT... SAY... THE... MOST... OBVIOUS... THING... EVER... -> or made to ingest drugs that made them vomit. MUST... NOT... SAY... EVEN... MORE... OBVIOUS... THING... ABOUT... ALCOHOL... -> Not surprisingly, these brutal, "Clockwork Orange"-like methods -> proved to be totally ineffective -- yielding not one credibly -> documented case of a "cured" homosexual -- and had been discarded by -> all but lunatic fringe psychotherapists by the late 1970s. However, at least they got kids to stop listening to that damn Classical music! -> But even now, more than 30 years after American Psychiatric -> Association deleted homosexuality from its official list of mental -> disorders, religious-right "ex-gay" ministries across the country -> propagate the myth that homosexuality is a curable disease. -> -> [...] -> -> Exodus' self-stated mission is, "Freedom from homosexuality through -> the power of Jesus Christ." In practical terms, that translates to -> support groups, pastoral counseling, intense Bible study, arranged -> "dates" with members of the opposite sex, and the occasional use of -> ammonia inhalers in conjunction with gay and lesbian porn. Yep, that _must_ be ammonia, since only one other thing comes in little glass ampules. And I'm sure ammonia is the one of the two gay men are most likely to buy at the same store where they buy their gay porn. -> [...] -> -> "There is no published scientific evidence supporting the efficacy -> of 'reparative conversion therapy' as a treatment to change one's -> sexual orientation," the American Psychiatric Association has -> officially stated. "Reparative conversion therapy"? Hmm. I sense Patrick McGoohan finally figuring out what the next episode of "The Prisoner" would have been. "You're gay now, Number Six... You're gay now... You will walk around twirling one of those little rainbow-striped umbrellas..." -> "Clinical experience suggests that any person who seeks conversion -> therapy may be doing so because of social bias that has resulted in -> internalized homophobia, and that gay men and lesbians who have -> accepted their sexual orientation are better adjusted than those -> who have not done so." Also, gay people are better than straight people in general. I know that's true because Oscar Wilde was gay and Hitler was straight and "The Importance Of Being Earnest" was much funnier than "Mein Kampf". -> Perhaps the most famous case study in the failure of reparative -> therapy is that of two founders of Exodus International, Michael -> Bussee and Gary Cooper, who helped start Exodus in 1976 and worked -> to "convert" gay people for three years, until they fell in love -> and left Exodus in 1979. [WACKY CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYS AT FIVE THOUSAND TIMES NORMAL SPEED] [MORTON DOWNEY JR. WRITES THE WORD "DUH" ON HIS OWN FOREHEAD, BACKWARDS] [MULTI-COLORED LUMINESCENT EIGHTY-FOOT DANCING BEARS STOMP ON TOKYO] [SNAKES, SPARKLERS, AND OTHER FIREWORKS GO OFF THEN THE EARTH BLOWS UP] [SOMEWHERE IN DEEP SPACE, A TINY "APPLAUSE FOR THE OBVIOUS" SIGN TWINKLES] [THEN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE WINKS, CRUSHING ALL THE GALAXIES BETWEEN ITS COSMIC EYELIDS, DESTROYING ALL LIFE FOREVER MERELY BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE WITNESSED SOMETHING SO OBVIOUS AS TO BE BENEATH MOCKERY] -> In 1982, they held a marriage ceremony and lived together until -> Cooper died nine years later. And then he moved in with David Cross. And they went on a Big Gay Boat Party. With heavy-metal band Titanica. And then they gave a live stage show with a filmed cameo by Andy Dick. (Andy Dick couldn't appear in person because that would have made "Mr. Show" too gay.) -> "The desires never go away," Bussee said. "After dealing with -> hundreds of people, I have not met one who went from gay to -> straight. Even if you manage to alter someone's sexual behavior, -> you cannot change their true sexual orientation." That's not what the orange juice commercials explained to Olive Oyl! -- K. Apparently Bluto has a thing for hideously deformed men. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Cure For Gay Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 03:14:31 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> In 1982, they held a marriage ceremony and lived together until > > -> Cooper died nine years later. > > > > And then he moved in with David Cross. And they went on a > > Big Gay Boat Party. With heavy-metal band Titanica. And then > > they gave a live stage show with a filmed cameo by Andy Dick. > > (Andy Dick couldn't appear in person because that would have > > made "Mr. Show" too gay.) > > Way to riff on that line about the dead guy. But you misspelled > "Wyckid Scepter", and probably so did I. "Wyckyd Scyptyre", "Titanica", they're the same guys in the same wigs, it's just that they're "Titanica" when they're talking to David Cross dressed as a happy wet cigar and "Wyckyd Scyptyre" the rest of the time. I probably spelled it wrong too but I'm too lazy to look it up because if I knew how to spell it it would be easier to look it up. > > -> "The desires never go away," Bussee said. "After dealing with > > -> hundreds of people, I have not met one who went from gay to > > -> straight. Even if you manage to alter someone's sexual behavior, > > -> you cannot change their true sexual orientation." > > > > That's not what the orange juice commercials explained to Olive Oyl! > > Wait a minute. If people can go from straight to gay, as you've > previously indicated is possible, why not backwards? Even by > accident? I think it's _only_ possible by accident. > Have you noticed even one regular who isn't coming to the Dark > Noisy Bar anymore now that the Doublemint twins are back? They have a Hershey's Krackel in dark chocolate now? > Are they starting an "ex-straight ministry" and hiring Brian > Posehn to gay him back up? <-- Another Mr. Show reference!!!1 Yeah, well, I am not a robot, or something, NO YOU SHUT UP! It's fun to just paste together references to other people's comedy. Now let's dress up like those guys from "Casablanca" so we can re-enact that scene where Humphrey Bogart shoved the grapefruit into the face of that other guy from "Casablanca", you know, the one who did the voice of Gomez Addams in the cartoons. -- K. YOU ARE NOT "KUNG FU"! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Brian Posehn (was: The Cure For Gay) (-- no he wasn't) Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 03:23:15 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Oh yeah, and I'm not sure if I mentioned this but if Brian Posehn > doesn't read ark he probably should. Or shouldn't. I mean, I'm > not saying he should be funny for free or anything. There was even a whole thread a few years ago about how I could never remember his name until I gave him the finger and now I can. So that's why he should show up here and give all of us the finger to see if that makes all of us forget his name and then we could recycle the whole thread to save all the work of having to write more sentences like this one, period carriage return. It's called a "carriage return" because in the olden days it took a team of four horses to pull your computer screen all the way back to the left so you could draw the next letter on it with your lump of coal. Fortunately, Abraham Lincoln saw that there had to be a better way, but unfortunately, the solution was lost in the fierce gun battle he waged when he was defending his other invention, Mayostard, or was it Mustardayonnaise? I can't remember every detail of everything Tom Kenny ever did, even though I really do like that one cartoon where Sponge Bob was played by video footage of a plain kitchen sponge held up by a little stick. -- K. (Zoom in on the inside of Brian Posehn's head. Tom Kenny, in an old Army jacket and wearing a Mohawk, says "I AM BRIAN POSEHN'S PSYCHOPATHIC DISORDER!" and shoots everyone.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: This NY Times article is not "funny ha-ha", more like "funny oh shut the fuck up." Date: Mon, 30 May 2005 23:01:42 -0400 [www.nytimes.com, last week] -> -> Seriously, the Joke Is Dead -> -> By Warren St. John -> -> IN case you missed its obituary, the joke died recently after a -> long illness, of, oh, 30 years. The joke was very sick, and had a punchline involving "that wasn't rice." -> Its passing was barely noticed, drowned out, perhaps, by the din -> of ironic one-liners, snark and detached bons mots that pass for -> humor these days. Don't forget what has displaced humor in most movies -- quoting lines or re-enacting shots from other, better movies. Hey look! It's a scene you loved from "Casablanca", right here in "Baby Geniuses 7"! ("I don't get what's so great about 'Casablanca', it's just a bunch of quotations strung together.") -> The joke died a lonely death. There was no next of kin to notify, -> the comedy skit, the hand-buzzer and Bob Newhart's imaginary -> telephone monologues having passed on long before. But when people -> reminisce about it, they always say the same thing: the joke knew -> how to make an entrance. "Two guys walked into a bar"; "So this -> lady goes to the doctor"; "Did you hear the one about the talking -> parrot?" The new humor sneaks by on little cat feet, all punch line -> and no setup, and if it bombs, you barely notice. The joke insisted -> on everyone's attention, and when it bombed -- wow. -> -> "A joke is a way to say, 'I'm going to do something funny now,' " -> said Penn Jillette, the talking half of the comedy and magic duo -> Penn & Teller and a producer of "The Aristocrats," a new -> documentary about an old dirty joke of the same name. "If I don't -> get a laugh at the end, I'm a failure." And that's why jokes suck. Because people have gotten smart enough to know that if you burst into a room yelling "HEY, I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING FUNNY NOW, HUMOR ALERT, HUMOR ALERT!" there will be an easy-to-guess punchline around the next corner. To save you folks the trouble of watching Jay, Dave, or Conan tonight: yadda yadda yadda Star Jones? yadda yadda yadda yadda ate him. yadda yadda yadda Christina Aguilera? yadda yadda unexplained rash. yadda yadda yadda yadda Michael Jackson? yadda yadda yadda child molester. yadda yadda yadda Richard Simmons? yadda yadda yadda I think he's gay! yadda yadda yadda yadda jokes? yadda yadda yadda yadda not funny! We are now in an age where we've all outgrown jokes, because jokes are lame, jokes are not funny, so now nothing is funny except the stuff that joke-tellers say isn't funny. Like cancer. Cancer's so fucking funny, just because Jay Leno isn't! -> It's a matter of faith among professional comics that jokes -- the -> kind that involve a narrative setup, some ridiculous details and a -> punch line -- have been displaced by observational humor and -> one-liners. Lisa Lampanelli, who describes herself as the world's -> only female insult comic, More like the world's only _ugly_ female insult comic. ZING!!!!! HA HA I'M AS GOOD AN INSULT COMIC AS SHE IS EVEN THOUGH I'M A GUY! -> said that in the business, straight jokes were considered -> "the kiss of death." -> -> "You don't tell joke jokes onstage ever," she said. "Because then -> you're a big hack." "Hey everybody, are you ready to laugh? Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! Why did the germ cross the microscope? To get to the other slide! So, this piece of string walks into a bar, and says, 'Ow!' Thank you, you've been a great audience! And now, our next act, who is even better than me because he tells the same sort of jokes, but while pretending a small wooden puppet on his knee is making up the punchline!" -> But out in the real world, the joke hung on for a while, lurking in -> backwaters of male camaraderie like bachelor parties and trading -> floors and in monthly installments of Playboy's "Party Jokes" page. -> Then jokes practically vanished. To tell a joke at the office or a -> party these days is to pronounce oneself a cornball, an attention -> hog, and of course to risk offending someone, a high social crime. -> "I can't remember the last time I was sitting around and heard -> someone tell a good joke," Ms. Lampanelli said. Someone wanna buy this woman a pair of testicles so she can appreciate the pirate joke? -> While many in the world of humor and comedy agree that the joke is -> dead, there is little consensus on who or what killed it or exactly -> when it croaked. Theories abound: the atomic bomb, A.D.D., the -> Internet, even the feminization of American culture, have all been -> cited as possible causes. In the academic world scholars have been -> engaged in a lengthy postmortem of the joke for some time, but -> still no grand unifying theory has emerged. Ha... ha... oh... ha, New York Times, your dry wit is as delicious as a dessicant packet. -> "There isn't a lot of agreement," said Don L. F. Nilsen, the -> executive secretary of the International Society for Humor Studies -> and a professor of linguistics at Arizona State University. The International Society For Humor Studies will be holding its annual Boring People Taking The Fun Out Of Stuff symposium next week at the Insipidome. -> Among comics, the most cited culprit in the death of the joke is -> so-called "political correctness" or, at least, a heightened -> sensitivity to offending people. Mr. Jillette said he believed most -> of the best jokes have a mean-spirited component, and that -> mean-spiritedness is out. When I met him, he wasn't mean to me! Maybe he was just awed by the way my leather jeans weren't screaming "HELP ME, HELP ME!" like the ones in _his_ leatherman outfit. -> "You used to feel safer telling jokes," he said. "Since all your -> best material is mean-spirited, you feel less safe. You're worried -> some might think that you really have this point of view." But the funniest jokes in the world are the one about the pirate's little steering wheel and the one about the string in the bar! They contain no meanness at all towards short inanimate drunken strings or pirates with mechanized genitalia! -> Older comics tend to put the blame on the failings of younger -> generations. Robert Orben, 78, a former speechwriter for President -> Gerald R. Ford and the author of several manuals for comedians, is therefore the worst person in the world to ask how to be funny. THE END -> said he believed a combination of shortened attention spans and THE END -> lack of backbone among today's youth made them ill-suited for joke -> telling. -> -> "A young person today has a nanosecond attention span, so whatever -> you do in a humor has to be short," he said. "Younger people do not -> wait for anything that takes time to develop. Then why did "Baby Geniuses 2" seem to last fifteen hours? -> We're going totally to one-liners." Comedians who are smart always yell "I AM NOW MOVING ONTO A SECOND LINE -- DING!" in the middle of each of their jokes. -> "Telling a joke is risk taking," Mr. Orben added. "Younger people -> are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so -> a quick one-liner is much safer." -> -> (Asked if he had a favorite joke, Mr. Orben said, "The Washington -> Redskins," suggesting that even veteran joke tellers might have -> abandoned the form.) -> -> Scholars say that while humor has always been around -- in ancient -> Athens, for example, a comedians' club called the Group of 60 met -> regularly in the temple of Herakles -- the joke has gone in and out -> of fashion. In modern times its heyday was probably the 1950's, but -> the joke's demise began soon after, a result of several seismic -> cultural shifts. The first of those, Mr. Nilsen said, was the -> threat of nuclear annihilation. -> -> "Before the atomic bomb everyone had a sense that there was a -> future," Mr. Nilsen said. "Now we're at the hands of fate. We could -> go up at any moment. In order to deal with something as horrendous -> as that, we've become a little cynical." Sure, those days when Hitler was trying to kill us were so fucking funny. But now everyone is all business-like about having to stop the Commies at the 49th parallel. I bet this guy really hates "M*A*S*H", especially that final season which couldn't contain any jokes because Alan Alda wouldn't let them use a laugh track. -> Gallows humor and irony, Mr. Nilsen said, were more suited to this -> dire condition than absurd stories about talking kangaroos, -> tumescent parrots and bears that sodomize hunters. (Don't know that -> one? Ask your granddad.) Yeah, it's so depressing that parrot boner jokes have been displaced by satire. We must return our culture to the days when we are all so stupid that we would laugh at any sort of animal having sex! Also, they should put those Ty-D-Bowl commercials back on the air so we can laugh at the tiny man who lives in a toilet. He's funny in both ways possible -- he's the wrong size and he smells like doody! -> Around the same time, said John Morreall, a religion professor and -> humor scholar at the College of William and Mary, the roles of men -> and women began to change, which had implications for the joke. -> -> Telling old-style jokes, he said, was a masculine pursuit because -> it allowed men to communicate with one another without actually -> revealing anything about themselves. He then turned around and saw a guy in a '70s leisure suit telling a joke about the Poles sending a rocket to the Sun (at night) while waving a giant banner that said "I SURE DO HATE THOSE DUMB POLACKS BECAUSE I'M A BIGOT! LOOK AT ME, I'M A BIGOT! HEY, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LEARNING THAT I'M A BIGOT, UNLESS YOU'RE DUMBER THAN A POLACK, YOU RETARD!" -> Historically women's humor was based on personal experience, -> and conveyed a sense of the teller's likes and dislikes, foibles -> and capacity for self-deprecation. Whereas all gay people like watching "Mommie Dearest" for its camp value, and all black people tell jokes _this_ way while white people tell jokes like _this_. And there was this one guy whose mother was black and his father was Japanese and his jokes came out like _this_. -> The golden age of joke telling corresponded with a time when men -> were especially loathe to reveal anything about their inner lives, -> Mr. Morreall said. But over time men let down their guard, and -> comics like Lenny Bruce, George Carlin and later Jerry Seinfeld, -> embraced the personal, observational style. -> -> "A very common quip was, 'Women can't tell jokes,' " Mr. Morreall -> said. "I found that women can't remember jokes. That's because they -> don't give a damn. Their humor is observational humor about the -> people around that they care about. Women virtually never do that -> old-style stuff." -> -> "Women's-style humor was ahead of the curve," he said. "In the last -> 30 years all humor has caught up with women's humor." And in the future, it'll catch up with robot humor! -> The mingling of the sexes in the workplace and in social situations -> wasn't particularly good for the joke either, as jokes that played -> well in the locker room didn't translate to the conference room or -> the co-ed dinner party. And in any event, scholars say, in a social -> situation wit plays better than old-style joke telling. Witty -> remarks push the conversation along and enliven it, encouraging -> others to contribute. In order for this conversation to continue, you need to contribute -- refund my purchase price of the New York Times. -> Jokes, on the other hand, cause conversation to screech to a halt -> and require everyone to focus on the joke teller, which can be -> awkward. Especially if the joke begins "Now I am going to tell you a carefully- crafted joke in accordance with the principles of how humor is made set down by the newspaper of record, the hilarious New York Times." -> Whatever tenuous hold the joke had left by the 1990's may have been -> broken by the Internet, Mr. Nilsen said. The torrent of e-mail -> jokes in the late 1990's and joke Web sites made every joke -> available at once, essentially diluting the effect of what had been -> an spoken form. While getting up and telling a joke requires -> courage, forwarding a joke by e-mail takes hardly any effort at -> all. So everyone did it, until it wasn't funny anymore. I knew it. I was waiting for the inevitable paragraph in every New York Times article where the subject changes to how much they hate the Internet because it has stuff on it. -> "The Aristocrats," the documentary produced by Mr. Jillette and the -> comic Paul Provenza, says a lot about what the straight-up joke -> once was, and what it isn't any longer. The film, which was shown -> at Sundance in January and will be released in theaters this -> summer, features dozens of comics talking about and performing an -> over-the-top vaudeville standard about a family that shows up at a -> talent agency, looking for representation. -> -> The talent agent agrees to watch them perform, at which point the -> family goes into a crazed fit of orgiastic and scatological mayhem, -> the exact details of which vary from comic to comic. The punch line -> comes when the agent asks the family what they call their bizarre -> act. The answer: "The Aristocrats!" To make the movie funny, when the last comedian tells the joke, the punchline should be something different. Like, "Because his wife died!" -> Much of the humor in the documentary comes not from the joke, which -> nearly everyone in the film concedes is lousy, but from watching -> modern-day observational comics like Mr. Carlin, Paul Reiser and -> Gilbert Gottfried perform in the anachronistic mode of Buddy -> Hackett, Milton Berle and Red Skelton. Imagine watching a -> documentary of contemporary rock guitarists doing their teenage -> versions of the solo in "Free Bird" and you'll get the idea; with -> each rendition it becomes more and more clear why people don't do -> it anymore. Now imagine a newspaper reporter describing a film depicting people actually doing stuff. Now imagine yourself imagining me telling you about the newspaper reporter describing a film depicting people actually doing stuff. Shouldn't you be out mowing the lawn? -> "Part of the joke is that it's even more inappropriate because we -> don't do that anymore," Mr. Nilsen said. DAMN THE DEATH OF INAPPROPRIATENESS! To protest the lack of inappropriateness in modern society, I am going to rebuild the World Trade Center and open an abortion clinic on the top floor which will also be a sushi bar and then I'll kidnap the Pope and feed him baby sushi in the World Trade Center while blowing it up and wearing a costume which is Mickey Mouse on the left side and The Elephant Man on the right side and I'll have a gun that shoots Hitler mustaches onto women and wraps midgets in burning American flags made in Japan by blind Poles. -> One paradox about the death of the joke: It may result in more -> laughs. Yes, because JOKES AREN'T FUNNY! Sheesh, what is it with you people and jokes? -> Joke tellers, after all, are limited by the number of jokes -> they can memorize, while observational wits never run out of -> material. And Mr. Morreall said that because wits make no promise -> to be funny, the threshold for getting a laugh is lower for them -> than for joke tellers, who always battle high expectations. -> -> "Jon Stewart just has to twist his eyebrows a little bit, and -> people laugh," he said. "It's a much easier medium." Either that or maybe he's better at getting laughs than Will Rogers, Bob Hope, and Henry James combined. It's not the medium that makes him funny. If it was, at least one person would have laughed at Andy Rooney before he died. Of cancer. Next week. While having sex with Michael Jackson's parrot. -> Some comics who grew up in the age of the joke say they are often -> amazed at how easy crowds are in the era of observational humor. -> Shelley Berman, 79, a comic whose career took off on "The Ed -> Sullivan Show" and who now plays Larry David's father on the HBO -> show "Curb Your Enthusiasm," said these days even the most banal -> remark seemed to get a response. -> -> "I don't tell jokes in my act," he said. "But if I tell an audience -> I don't tell jokes, I'll get people laughing at that line." I like to hurt people. -- K. That was not a joke. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This NY Times article is not "funny ha-ha", more like "funny oh shut the fuck up." Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 05:13:39 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > To save you folks the trouble of watching Jay, Dave, or Conan tonight: > > > > > > yadda yadda yadda Star Jones? > > > > yadda yadda yadda yadda ate him. > > I've always wanted to attend a party that died down around 10:35, so > that I could propose a game of "Guess the Jay Leno punchline". It would be harder to guess what the "yadda yadda yadda" part is. If Jay Leno starts off, "President Bush said yadda yadda yadda..." Even Brett Somers could guess that this will be the punchline: "...because he's stupid!" The hard part is guessing the "yadda yadda yadda" part before Jay tells you what word the President used in a sentence today. To sum up all recent politics in this country from the point of view of TV: From 1976 to 1980, the President liked peanuts. The Vice President wasn't even interesting enough to make fun of. From 1980 to 1988, the President was senile. The Vice President was a wimp. From 1988 to 1992, the President was inarticulate. The Vice President was stupid. From 1992 to 2000, the President was fat, and horny. The Vice President was so completely normal that it made him a tremendous nerd. From 2000 to 2008, the President was stupid, and the Vice President was evil. From 2008 to 2037, the President was on goofballs, and the Vice President smelled like vinyl. From 2037 to 20??, the Emperor had PMS, and the Minister Of Destructovision was a very, very, very nice person who would never hurt anyone who mentioned how handsome and intelligent he was. From 20?? to 20XX, during the Nth Calendar Shift caused by the YSomethingK Problem, the Matter Emperor was gaseous, and the Antimatter Emperor was multi-plasmonic. From 20XX to the Era Of Eternal Dissolution, all life everywhere in the Universe fused into one bodiless energy being, who was simultaneously stupid and a nerd. > How come all the stand-up I'm seeing on Comedy Central has some > racial component? Even white comics are doing it now. Yes, but white comics tell their jokes like _this_, while black comics tell their jokes like _this_, and Asian comics use their chopsticks to hold up the joke like _this_, and people from the Antimatter Emperor's multi-plasmonic dimension tell jokes in Universes that are shaped like _this_... -- K. It's too bad you can't see my hands, I'm gesturing in a really funny direction outside of space and time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This NY Times article is not "funny ha-ha", more like "funny oh shut the fuck up." Date: Mon, 30 May 2005 23:45:52 -0400 I quoted the New York Times: -> -> Gallows humor and irony, Mr. Nilsen said, were more suited to this -> dire condition than absurd stories about talking kangaroos, -> tumescent parrots and bears that sodomize hunters. (Don't know that -> one? Ask your granddad.) Just so's you know, I've looked up the bear joke in The Big Book Of All Jokes Ever (published by Reader's Digest), and here's my telling of it: This hunter is out in the woods and sees this big black bear. He fires his shotgun at the bear and misses. The bear comes up to him, grabs the gun, snaps the barrel half, then ass-rapes the hunter and disappears back into the woods. So the next day, the hunter brings an elephant rifle and waits in the same spot. He sees the bear, takes careful aim, fires, and misses. The bear calmly walks over, eats his gun, ass-rapes him, and leaves. On the third day, the hunter is determined to get the bear, and he shows up with a machine gun. He fires a hundred rounds at the bear, but they all miss. The bear approaches, gently puts his arm around the hunter, and says "This isn't really about hunting, is it?" That's a truncated version. There are also longer versions with negotiations between the hunter and the bear, but I prefer the surrealism of the bear suddenly talking at the end. Depending on the crowd, I might add an extra line about how they went to that place across from the Old State House. I wonder if G. Legman's "Rationale Of The Dirty Joke" is still in print? It's the most boring book ever written about dirty jokes by a guy with a fake name, and that's counting the one where the back cover showed "Dr. A" was wearing a bra over his eyes and part of his giant sideburns. -- K. I don't know any funny stories about talking kangaroos, except that everyone who saw "Kangaroo Jack" will eventually die. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Mon, 30 May 2005 23:08:51 -0400 kerri9494 (kerri9494@gmail.com) wrote: > > Also, Spudley told me tonight that Kibo wouldn't talk to him any more > if he watched Superbabies. I am not sure how he knows this, but I > suspect it to be true. That can't be true because I watched it, and I still talk to myself. I just wanted to be the _first_ person to watch it. Since I saw it only a month after it came out on DVD, I think I probably won. The reviews were accurate, especially the one on the back of the box ("'Superbabies' has no redeeming qualities!" -- Pete Croatto, FilmCritic.com) although that only appeared on an Asian bootleg edition, the real American one just says "WARNING: MOVIE WILL CAUSE EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA, EYEBALL CANCER, AND SATAN'S TRIUMPHANT VICTORY OVER ALL THAT IS GOOD OR WORTH RENTING." -- K. That movie made me wish that Kryptonite could kill babies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 04:34:48 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > > > I took my son to Blockbuster a while ago and he decided Superbabies > > was the one and only movie he wanted to rent. Nothing could dissuade > > him, even after I'd pointed out every other marginally plausible > > possibility in the Family section. Then I discovered it was rated PG; > > hallelujah! That eliminated it from contention; Kenny's limited to G > > movies. I don't even have to take the blame for that rule. His > > mother came up with that one. Possibly under similar circumstances. > > > > [later] > > > > So of course tonight Heather went to Blockbuster (on her own) and came > > back with "The Incredibles" for Kenny, rated PG. > > > > The sound you now hear is that of a loophole slamming shut. > > > > On my testicles. > > *ouch* > > The Incredibles? PG? are you *sure* you want Kenny watching a film > where Mummy and Daddy lay into each other like that? "And now, son, your rite of passage... Your very first PG movie. The one which includes the short subject where the baby keeps setting himself on fire." By the way, I noticed that as a tie-in with the new "Fantastic Four" movie (the one that's being released, not the older one that only the bootleggers got to see) they're selling "Human Torch" masks, so kids can run around to show all the other kids how cool it would be to set yourself on fire. I am assuming the existence of this mask will give rise to the same sort of legends as that Batman costume with the "CAPE DOES NOT ENABLE WEARER TO FLY" warning that everyone's heard about and yet nobody's ever seen. > I think you should wait a few years before exposing him to that sort > of thing, for eg., until Kibo's managed to arrange proper hazmat > packing for every copy of Superbabies in existence. Rich, I'd offer you that Asian bootleg of "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2" that every single person on the Web is sick of seeing the back cover of, except the bootleggers forgot to put the wrong rating on the box. It says "PG". (A lot of bootlegs of kids' movies say "G" whether they are or not.) > and dropped them all on Cana^H^H^H^HFra^H^H^HCanada. How about we split the difference and drop them all on Quebec? Aww, on my TV right now, the Martians just exterminated Jack Black, in the second-worst movie ever based on a set of bubble-gum cards. The worst, of course, is "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie", unless someone invents a time machine and travels back to 1953 and starts selling "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2" trading cards just so that that movie will turn out to have been based on bubble-gum cards and therefore be even more unnecessary. Anyway, since you asked, here are some wholesome movies I would actually recommend for kids: "Yellow Submarine". Just tell them it's all about the fun you can have with coloring books, don't mention that it's an infomercial for LSD. "The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr. T". It's a little slow at the start, and the kids may not know what a Fifties-style Air Wick is, but come on, they gotta love it anyway, it's got Hans Conried singing Dr. Seuss verse! "The Brave Little Toaster". Not a particularly memorable movie, but what kid could resist a talking toaster with Jon Lovitz's voice? Your kid will run around imitating the world's most obnoxious toaster! "Batman: The Movie" with Adam West, Burt Ward, Burgess Meredith, Frank Gorshin, Cesar Romero, and both of Lee Meriwether's legs. Mee-yow! Your kid will wonder why you're laughing at Batman saying "Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb!" which is a perfectly sensible observation of fact. There aren't many superhero movies that are both squeaky-clean enough for kids and yet not completely boring. In fact, I think this is the only one other than the first Christopher Reeve "Superman", though "Superman" might be a little too much for small kids to handle (after all, Margot Kidder did get slowly crushed... and Superboy accidentally kills his own father... and everyone but Superman smokes...) "Star Trek: The Motion Picture". It's the only G-rated science-fiction movie to have been made since phasers were invented. However, the good version (the DVD re-edit) is PG so you'll have to make your kid sit through one of the versions where scenes illustating key plot points are represented by grainy still pictures of the scaffolding they couldn't afford to build sets on top of. Also you'll have to hope the kid isn't as baffled by "My oath of celibacy is on record" as every adult in the world is. (Starfleet apparently makes all their female crew members promise to stay out of Kirk's holographic bedroom.) "The Rocket Man", the one Lenny Bruce wrote, not the one where Harlan Williams keeps farting. I have a bootleg of this which I haven't gotten around to watching, but given that it's a children's movie written by Lenny Bruce, I'm sure it will instill a healthy attitude towards questioning authority, teaching the kids not to let the district attorney rip off their blowjob jokes. The second "Inspector Gadget" movie (the one with French Stewart) isn't bad (surprising, given how bad the first one was.) "Pee-wee's Big Adventure" is one of the greatest movies ever made and should be suitable for kids. They'll find jokes you didn't even know were there. Worst that can happen is that your kid will demand you take him to visit the Alamo. I've only ever seen about a minute of "Twice Upon A Time" (George Lucas's most obscure movie) but it seemed worth watching. You should find a place where you can rent a bootleg of that one, then steal the disc and mail it to me. And of course there's always "The Shook-Up Shopping Cart". Skip any kids' movie which contains Santa Claus anywhere in, near, or behind it. Although "Elf" will be good when your kid is old enough to handle the upper end of "PG". But avoid the hell out of any other movie where Santa Claus has even the tiniest cameo, just as you would avoid any movie where Ronald McDonald breakdances. Okay, you can let your kid see "A Christmas Story", since that guy clearly isn't Santa since he kicks Ralphie in the face, but again, that would only be once your kid is old enough to handle looking at lamps shaped like legs and Darren McGavin cursing in Yosemite Sam language. -- K. The 1980 "Flash Gordon" is another one which will be good to show him when he's old enough to start demanding to see "Star Wars". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 19:58:36 -0400 zusty sanspoof eelface (uh.zusty@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "The Brave Little Toaster". Not a particularly memorable movie, > > but what kid could resist a talking toaster with Jon Lovitz's voice? > > Your kid will run around imitating the world's most obnoxious toaster! > > Hey, Jon Lovitz was the _radio's_ voice! > ...hey! Oh, you've seen it more recently than I have. Like I said, not the most memorable movie in the world, and I saw it a decade ago. You're right, he was the radio with the whip antenna. I think the toaster had one of those squeaky woman's voices that they always use when they want a cartoon character to sound like a little boy. I just wish they'd drawn it in a nicer style, such as the Gahan Wilson illustration that was on the cover of the issue of "Fantasy & Science Fiction" it was in. But then it probably would have turned into a Ralph Bakshi production with a bunch of stock footage of Nazis and random doodles by art-school students. How come nobody in Hollywood has decided that Gahan Wilson should be in charge of everything? I think he should not only pick which sitcoms get on the air, he should also work the puppets for the diaphanous monsters that come out of the toilet and eat all the characters. Also I want him to make a movie based on that comic panel about the kid with the plastic earthworm. (The kid is holding a little box marked "PLASTIC EARTHWORM", looking horribly depressed, as this insufferably smug grown-up strolls by with his big box that says "WORLD WAR II -- ACTUAL SIZE -- EVERYTHING INCLUDED". If Gahan Wilson gets to make that movie, keep Ralph Bakshi the hell away from it.) Gahan Wilson is one of the few people to understand that being a kid sucks! Especially when your parents won't let you see "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2". And even more so when they do. I wonder what he lets his kids watch. -- K. It's not even a _real_ earthworm! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 17:18:58 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Yellow Submarine". Just tell them it's all about the fun you can > > have with coloring books, don't mention that it's an infomercial for LSD. > > Agh. Hate this movie! Hate it! [...] > > Insert Kibo's "you just didn't get it because you're stupid" post here > -------- > | > | > V Why would I do that? I'm not one of those people who feels everyone has to enjoy the same movies and/or music. I learned at an early age that Fonzie became very uncool the moment he forced everyone in Arnold's to switch from listening to rock & roll to nothing but Tchaikovsky because Classical music is inherently better. Just because I have an opinion doesn't make you stupid. If you're allowed to dislike a movie, then I'm allowed to like it, okay? Now shut up and watch "Baby Geniuses 2", because I had to dislike it, therefore you're required to like it. -- K. Also, you just didn't get it because you're faaaaat. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 22:08:13 -0400 Yesterday, I wrote: > > [...] I'm not one of those people who feels everyone has > to enjoy the same movies and/or music. I learned at an early age that > Fonzie became very uncool the moment he forced everyone in Arnold's > to switch from listening to rock & roll to nothing but Tchaikovsky > because Classical music is inherently better. And today, TV Land surprised me by showing _that_ episode! It's creepy the power I seem to have over our nation's TV schedules. The episode in question is on my TV at this very moment. It's the one where Fonzie dreams he's Tchaikovsky (in a fluffy velvet jacket instead of leather) and then starts demanding that everyone at Arnold's listen to nothing but "The Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairies" for an entire week to see if he can recruit them. And it has all your least favorite characters: Ted McGinley as replacement Richie, Harris Kal as the first replacement Ralph, and Scott Bernstein as the second replacement Potsie. However, they were still on their first Joanie, and this was not one of those rare episodes that had both of the replacement Potsies at the same time, or the surprise re-introduction of Classic Potsie Now With Girlfriend. I forget, did the two replacement Ralphs ever collide? Oh man, Fonzie just kicked the juke box to make it start playing "The Blue Danube Waltz" and now he's prancing around Arnold's doing ballet leaps. This isn't the first time I've seen this episode, but I always forget what an incredible dweeb Fonzie became by these middle years. He just changed into a tweed blazer with elbow patches and a yellow paisley necktie. Gee, Fonzie, you seem to have lost your edge faster than if Jack Webb had devoted a whole episode to giving bad guys free foot rubs. I can't wait to see how this episode ends. I'm predicting that Fonzie will back a dump truck filled with potatoes up to Dan Quayle's driveway while talking about breast cancer and having TV's first gay kiss while dreaming he's in "Liztomania" wearing a diaper and riding Hitler's giant penis around. -- K. THE FONZ IS A NERD ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:51:33 -0400 Distribution: world Captain Infinity (Infinity@captaininfinity.us) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > THE FONZ IS A NERD > > FONZ to NERD. I can do it in eleven steps: > > FONZ > BONZ (are product names allowed? I SAY YES!) > BONE > BORE > FORE (or BARE) > FORM (or FARE) > FARM > HARM > HARD > HERD > NERD I can do it in fewer: FONZ RICHIE RALPH POTSIE NERD Or, to do it _your_ cumbersome way: FONZ FONT FORT FORD NORD NERD "Nord" is too an English word, otherwise used-car ads wouldn't have their headlines printed in an ugly font named Antique Olive Nord. I win! -- K. Flawless victory conclusively proves THE FONZ IS A NERD! P.S. Yes, I wrote this before seeing any of the 3,047 articles where other people did the same thing with fake words like "FARD" or "NERT". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 22:18:57 -0400 I just wrote: > > I can't wait to see how this episode ends. I'm predicting that > Fonzie will back a dump truck filled with potatoes up to Dan Quayle's > driveway while talking about breast cancer and having TV's first > gay kiss while dreaming he's in "Liztomania" wearing a diaper and > riding Hitler's giant penis around. I was originally planning to say "a dump truck filled with library cards" so as not to make the "'Murphy Brown' has started spending too much time being self-important" so obvious, but then I would have had to add something about Fonzie asking Don Saklad for help with his library skills, and that seemed too horrible to mention, so I just left it as a dump truck filled with potatoes. I have seen everything that has ever been on TV. Hey, maybe some of you folks can answer this, it's been bugging me for a while. There was this show that was a parody of the early seasons of "Cops" -- where they followed the cops around both on the job and during their home life -- and it wasn't "Reno 911" (it was much earlier, like '92 or '93) and it wasn't Chris Elliot's brilliant "The Action Family". It ran for a few weeks, I think on Fox. What the hell was the title of that show? I keep wanting to say "Fuzz" but I can't find any shows called "Fuzz" on IMDB.com, so either I'm mis-remembering or IMDB is missing at least one very forgettable show. There used to be a VHS tape you could get that had Chris Elliot's "The Action Family" and his "FDR: A One-Man Show" back-to-back, which combined were one of the greatest videotapes you could ask for. They need to get those released on DVD along with the rest of the "Get A Life" episodes, especially the one with the stock footage from "The Time Tunnel" (which, ironically, was a show made out of stock footage from old movies.) -- K. "Cops" didn't get good until September 11, 2001 caused all cops to start carrying Tasers. How Tasers prevent planes from being crashed into buildings, I don't know, but it makes the show much funnier, especially that one episode where the little cop Tasers the huge suspect just 'cause the guy's bigger than him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Sat, 04 Jun 2005 19:28:30 -0400 Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.HAWHAWSPAMTRAP.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I have seen everything that has ever been on TV. > > Excellent. You will therefore be able to help me with these two quandries, > > [...] Your first question was too difficult for me, so I'll pretend you never asked it. > Also, a cool early-90's show pairing an American with a ninja. Not Kung Fu, > the Legend Continues. I believe Lee van Cleef was in it? It also had very > nice theme music. For the time period. I believe the title was "The Master", I recall it being on in 1985. A few pairs of episodes were spliced together into the "movies" "Master Ninja I" and "Master Ninja II" which turned up on early "Mystery Science Theater 3000" episodes. And yes, it had Lee Van Cleef... and starred one of the Lesser Van Pattens. I suspect a lot of nerds tuned in but were disappointed that The Master never shrank anyone to death with a Tissue Compression Eliminator. On the other hand, fans of "The Master" may have tuned into "Doctor Who" and been disappointed to not see a single ninja in all 700 episodes. Unless they've added gay ninjas to the new "Doctor Who". -- K. Remember the "CHiPs" spinoff pilot about the LAPD's elite ninja squad? I think the working title for the series would have been "Force Five" if it hadn't just been an episode of "CHiPs". Between Ponch riding that Kawasaki and all those ninjas, one wonders if California police never hear a single doughnut joke because they spend all their time eating sushi. There should be sushi doughnuts so everyone will be happy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:49:19 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I have seen everything that has ever been on TV. > > Then do you remember the game show that Joe Garagiola hosted where they > always argued over the pronunciation of "pot pourri"? I remember that in Alex Trebek's book about how great his version of "Jeopardy!" is, he told a story about how he was puzzled to receive a crank letter complaining the show hated Catholics until towards the end he figured out that the wacko was complaining about the category "Popery". And I remember Pat Sajak being on a night-time talk show complaining that the "fabulous prizes" during the "shopping" round of the original "Wheel! Of! Fortune!" included stuff like "a ceramic pendant shaped like Joe Garagiola". So if you put those two together, then yes, I do remember it. > I was certain I remembered it as having a high-tech color-TV > red/green/blue color scheme, until somebody recognized my description > of it recently and remembered the audience being polled in three > sections, red, blue, and [SFX: IMAGINARY SAD BUZZER] yellow. Bert Convy's "TattleTales" had the audience divided into the red, blue, and "banana" sections. Banana made it better. > (Actually, though, maybe those two memories aren't contradictory > at all--maybe the fact that it wasn't green was what was so sad > about yellow.) Didn't the book "The Making Of 'Star Trek'" claim that Kirk never wore a green shirt and if it looked green it was just because your crappy TV showed green instead of banana? -- K. That's the book where Gene Roddenberry claimed that when Carl Sagan wrote the Drake equation, it was something like "ZxYf738J = XR7pQ31MzXXFq298R" with all the letters dotted with smiley faces. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 05:45:24 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, maybe some of you folks can answer this, it's been bugging me for > > a while. There was this show that was a parody of the early seasons > > of "Cops" -- where they followed the cops around both on the job and > > during their home life -- and it wasn't "Reno 911" (it was much earlier, > > like '92 or '93) > > Google says you're talking about an episode of "The Ben Stiller Show". > Yeah, I know it's not right, but it's the best I can do. I think it was about one season before "The Ben Stiller Show", possibly the same season. But no, I am not referring to the interminable "Cops In The ________ Historical Period" filler sketches that wrote themselves on "The Ben Stiller Show" between the actual funny stuff about how Bob Odenkirk may or may not be a robot and Ben Stiller wants to know all about how Scotty did that thing on that planet he went to. "The Ben Stiller Show" had a lot of brilliant stuff, but it also had a lot of pedestrian, repetitive stuff, which its successors "Mr. Show" and "The Andy Dick Show" managed to get away from. "The Ben Stiller Show" aired on Fox the same season as "The Edge" (which wasn't bad, and had Tom Kenny who would later be on "Mr. Show".) "The Edge" also had some unknown chick named Jennifer Aniston, and Wayne Knight screaming a lot, and the funnier of MTV's two Julie Browns. I think the show I'm trying to remember was either that same season, or the season before, based on which apartment's TV set I remember watching this stuff on. And I think I was in that apartment around '92 to '93. I could be off by a year or two. And so could these dates. > I don't even remember what they almost called "Reno 911" this season "Cancelled"? > (early commercials on Comedy Central had another name for the show, > but I've already forgotten what it was. [...]) "Nanny 911". > Ooh, ooh, tvguide.com says you might mean "Danger Theater" with Robert > Vaughan. Or possibly "357 Marina del Ray". Nope. This definitely wasn't a Robert Vaughn show, and I've never heard of the other. Nor was it the 1995 "Funky Squad", another one I never heard of and now it's too late. The one I have in mind was simply a very literal (no-budget) parody of "Cops" showing what the inept cops did before and after busting bad guys. I wish I knew what channel it was on. Since I didn't have cable then, I'm guessing it was probably either a Fox show or syndicated, since no real networks ever air parody series, unless they want to claim that "Happy Days" was a parody of "American Graffiti". -- K. Also, the TV series "M*A*S*H" was a parody of the movie "Catch-22". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:50:16 -0400 [on identifying a dimly-remembered "Cops" parody series] Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > I remember this show! > > It might have had "Bakersfield" in the title, or that could have been > a different, less subtle cop-themed show with Brian Doyle-Murray in it. Well, it sure wasn't "The Last Precinct" with Adam West. (That was circa 1985, it premiered immediately after the Super Bowl and still bombed. The world wasn't ready to even attempt to embrace a lame rip-off of the lame "Police Academy" movies.) > All I remember about it was the opening credits had some guy reluctantly > acknowledging that he was going to be filmed and on TV, and there was > an episode where they did the prostitution sting, where they have the > undercover cop in the motel room, and they make the prostitute explain > how she claims to know the undercover cop for five minutes before they > reveal that he was a cop the whole time. And the cop felt bad and > brought a cake to their house and she and her boyfriend told him to > piss off. I think I remember that episode! Well, at least now we know I wasn't just watching that private TV channel that the Dumont corporation beams directly into the center my brain. Anyway, someone with Internet access should go do an IMDB title or plot search on "Bakersfield" in case that's it. I'd do it, but I'm deep underground right now, on my way to Home Depot to buy a mercury-vapor bulb. -- K. If I buy several million of them, I can cut them open and fill my bathtub with shiny mercury! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 19:36:09 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I'm not one of those people who feels everyone has > > to enjoy the same movies and/or music. I learned at an early age that > > Fonzie became very uncool the moment he forced everyone in Arnold's > > to switch from listening to rock & roll to nothing but Tchaikovsky > > because Classical music is inherently better. > > yay! now I won't get in trouble for saying-- > > > Aww, on my TV right now, the Martians just exterminated Jack Black, > > in the second-worst movie ever based on a set of bubble-gum cards. > > --MARS ATTACKS IS MY FAVOURITEST JACK BLACK FILM EVER!!!1! That's fine, you can have any favorite Jack Black film you want, but you better keep your hands off Jack Black or you'll get in big bloody trouble. 'Cause he's my favoritest one in the disappointing movie. The frustrating thing about "Mars Attacks!" is that it contained the most promising collage of actors in a comedy since "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World". These are just the ones I've heard of: Jack Nicholson Jack Nicholson in a cowboy hat Glenn Close Annette Bening Pierce Brosnan smoking a pipe Danny DeVito Martin Short Sarah Jessica Parker and her nose Michael J. Fox Rod Steiger Tom Jones Jim Brown Lukas Haas Natalie Portman, whoever she is Pam Grier Lisa Marie and not her husband Sylvia Sidney Paul Winfield without the slug in his ear Rance Howard without Clint Howard Christina Applegate Joe Don Baker voice of Frank Welker, as required by law I mean, if a film stars two of Jack Nicholson, you want to like it, just like you tried to enjoy "The Witches Of Eastwick" because it had Jack Nicholson as the devil but it turned out to be more tedious than "The Devil's Rain" where Ernest Borgnine played Satan. And because it was based on bubble-gum cards, the movie was doomed, and as I once said, I suspect that this is one of those movies which was solely made because some producer thought "Hey, a weird- looking Vegas casino is scheduled for demolition, let's make a movie around it where the Martians conduct a controlled implosion of one old building." You know, like "Con Air". Furthermore, it's got an exclamation point! in its title! a sure sign! it sucks! The hotel they blow up in "Mars Attacks!" is the one from "Viva Las Vegas". I hope they never demolish Circus Circus, because then they'd have to film "Baby Geniuses Have Fear And Loathing In Damnation Alley", and I don't think I could handle seeing toddlers driving a tank while dropping acid. Also, the destruction of Circus Circus that would ruin my plans to film a remake of "The Blob" there. (The Blob would fill up that amorphous pink glass bubble behind the casino and nobody would notice.) Every time I try to enjoy "Mars Attacks!" I get bored and wander out of the room about 2/3 of the way through. It starts off pretty good, though, right up through both of Jack Black's only scenes. But then it gets dull except for that scene where Pierce Brosnan performs an actual alien autopsy and the scene where Rod Steiger screams "KILL! KILL!" I seem to recall that it ends with them playing this awful song, "Puberty Love", to make all the giant tomatoes explode. Except this one is wearing ear muffs so Gary Condit has to kill it. And then Wayne Newton packs them all back in the trash can where they live and make bubble gum cards and fudgy cookies. Then someone says "Look! A barking dog!" and we hear Frank Welker yelling "ARF! ARF! I AM A DOG'S VOICE! ARF! ARF! BOW-WOW!" -- K. Why wasn't I in "Mars Attacks"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manuel Noriega and other helpful learning examples Date: Tue, 31 May 2005 22:25:37 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > One of my Georgian friends learned quite seriously in his Soviet history > > classes that Russia didn't sell Alaska to us, just leased it, and the > > lease is up 12 years from now. > > Slightly different variation: I had a history teacher who said > everything the United States acquired, from the Louisiana Purchase on, was > leased. Thing is, it was leased forever, with no expiration date, thus > eliminating the pesky questions about France and/or Russia cancelling the > lease and reclaiming their land. The question is, when we return Alaska to the Russians, do we also have to return Georgia to the Georgians? And will this lead to a war between the peanut farmers and the dancers who don't have legs? (Everyone from Georgia is half Dalek.) > This is the same teacher who, in a fit of teenaged angst, gave me a B- > in his extremely simple history class because he thought I was being a > show-off by getting 100% on everything. The guy was 21, had the mental > capacity of a cabbage, and had no business teaching a room full of 18 year > olds who were all bigger than him. The incident I remember was a science quiz where I was asked the speed of light, and I got marked wrong because I put down "186,282 miles/second" instead of the "correct" answer, "186,000 miles/second". The teacher crossed out the last three digits. My answer was a whole point fifteen percent closer to the real value but all I learned from the incident is that in science, precision is bad. -- K. I have a theory that science teachers are more wrong than any other sort of teacher, until you get to graphic design class. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manuel Noriega and other helpful learning examples Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 17:10:40 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > [...] it sounds like you had Mrs Davis, who handed out school-owned > copies of some book to our 10th grade English class along with index > cards so we could write down our name and the number of the book we'd > been issued. I managed to misspell my name Hey, it's your name, which is your property, no matter how you spell it, it's not misspelling. It's not even illegal unless you are doing it to defraud or impersonate someone. You should've told her she was the one who was misspelling it. > so I crossed it out and wrote my information correctly on the other > side. You're way ahead of me, right? She came around with another > index card and made me do it over on the side with the lines on it. Back in the days of Arbor Day, the mid-'70s, part of that bullshit eco-activism for children espoused in TV commercials sponsored by Dow Chemical (you know, like the one where the Indian cries because someone threw a coffee cup on the ground -- "PEOPLE start pollution, PEOPLE can stop it" -- it's all your fault, not Dow's!) part of the agenda was to teach kids to always use both sides of every sheet of paper. Because obviously billions of trees are cut down every second just to make doodle pads for kindergartners, as paper is not used in business offices, manufacturing industries, or the government. Now, the teachers' union in Massachusetts is running these ham-handed commercials asking for increased school funding (i.e. pay raises), where every time an elementary school class attempts to do anything, a loudspeaker forbids the teacher from doing it ("THERE IS NO TIME FOR INDIVIDUAL INSTRUCTION! MOVE ALONG!") because apparently budget shortages have caused schools to install expensive surveillance systems and hire George Orwell as a consultant. One of the things the louspeaker demands the kids do is "USE BOTH SIDES OF EVERY SHEET OF PAPER", revealing the commercial's true subtext -- the teachers are extorting pay raises from people by threatening to teach the kids environmentalism! Quick, raise taxes to stop those hippie ideas! (I'LL GET YOU, CAPTAIN PLANET!) The other alleged public-service announcement bothering me at the moment is one of the 58,000 ones on how you should tell your kids that drugs are bad, m'kay? This father has set up dioramas and plastic uterus models and a bunch of books on puberty in order to prepare for telling his son about s-e-x, but when he tries to get started he's very uncomfortable and says "Or we could talk about drugs," to which the kid enthusiastically agrees. The message: "Parents of the world, we offer you this deal: If you tell your kids drugs are bad, m'kay?, you won't ever have to tell them about sex. Anyway, kids don't want to hear about sex." -- K. THERE IS NO TIME FOR SEX EDUCATION! MOVE ALONG! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manuel Noriega and other helpful learning examples Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 18:52:07 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > Even priests. In New Yok state you have to take a statewide regents' > exam and this prick of a priest tried giving me 19 (of 30) points on > the second essay portion because: a) I ignored his dictate for all > students to skip the multiple choice Lit questions and take the > optional essay instead (I aced the Lit questions), b) quit the school > newspaper that he was advisor because he sucked, c) I was a foot > taller than he was and could've kicked his ass or d) drew comic strips > that passed around the school, including one that called him Scarface > for his blazing red acne scars. I retook the test at my Mom's high > school and gave him the finger after I received my Regents' diploma at > graduation. I didn't realize Regents' exams were mandatory now. When I was in high school, the exam was optional (taken at graduation time), and all it did for you was to get you the "Regents' diploma" instead of the local school's diploma (i.e. it got you a sticker or something, there was no actual reason you needed the Regents' certification.) I think there was something about a $125/year scholarship to any state college if you got above a certain grade on the Regents' exam. Other than that I don't recall there being any reason to want to take the Regents' exam except for those of us who knew we'd ace it so as to get the pretty Hello Kitty sticker on our piece of paper that nobody would ever look at. Also, how come New York State's school board is still full of "Regents" despite us kicking all the kings, emperors, and princes out of the United States in 1776? By the way, which is the greater sin -- giving a priest the finger, or bragging about giving a priest the finger? Bet you thought you were such a big shot, giving him the finger when he couldn't give it back, just 'cause you know he secretly wanted to. Some day there will be a church scandal when the Pope discovers that all those priests behind the one-way mirrors in the confessionals are giving people the finger. Did your comic strips point out that "Scarface" must've been a sinner because he had acne? It's in the Bible, all that stuff about "pox" is about how your face breaks out if you secretly wish you were allowed to give people the finger. -- K. I also have the worthless certificate from "The President's Council On Academic Fitness", signed by some sleepy senile guy's Autopen. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manuel Noriega and other helpful learning examples Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 18:29:15 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja wrote: > > > > > > [...] if you wrote on notebook paper from a spiral and tore it > > > out of the notebook, leaving fringies. > > > > Oh, please. By the time you were in school, every spiral notebook > > on the planet was perforated! > > No not. Not in 5th grade, anyway. The incredible invention of > perforation wasn't until I was in high school. > 5th grade was when notebooks all had those raised patterns and pictures > on them so you could put a piece of paper over your notebook and rub a > pencil on it to transfer the pattern to paper. Also, you could buy Snoopy > notebook paper reinforcements (reinforcements with little Snoopy and > Woodstock stickers attached.) 20% of the Internet are now asking, "What was a paper reinforcement?" 10% are asking "What was a Snoopy? Did they name a 1999 concert after him too?" 5% are asking "What was a pencil?" 1% are asking "What was 'buy'?" > > where the teacher unwittingly outed my gay friend in explaining how it > > was fallacious to assume he was gay because he was wearing a pink shirt-- > > which, of course, my friend insisted far too quickly was actually salmon. > > That is so cool. Salmon is _not_ cool. The way to tell if a guy in a pink shirt is gay: Ask them to close their eyes. Then ask them what color their shirt is. If they know, they're gay. This works for any color shirt except white or black, because people who wear those colors tend to wear them often enough that they can make an assumption which ruins your assumption. -- K. Oh, and any sort of fishnet mesh shirt means they're really, really gay, or on the crew of a British submarine in the distant future year of 1980, which I guess works out to be the same thing as all British guys are gay. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: pink shirts are so gay (was: helpful learning examples) Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 01:21:17 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The way to tell if a guy in a pink shirt is gay: Ask them to close > > their eyes. Then ask them what color their shirt is. If they know, > > they're gay. This works for any color shirt except white or black, > > because people who wear those colors tend to wear them often enough > > that they can make an assumption which ruins your assumption. > > If they don't know, they may still be gay. Yes, but those people would be so straight-acting as to be not worth dating, especially since people would be puzzled over you having such a straight boyfriend with no extrasensory color sense. Any proper fashion queen will know which shade of which color of which European designer's color palette is on his shirt; Any proper clone will be wearing a tight white T-shirt, possibly inside-out so everyone can see the Calvin Klein tag; Any proper butch guy will be wearing black or camo, assuming they're even wearing a shirt. (Straight guys wear camo too, but they tend to mix patterns in bad ways, like a West German flecktarn shirt with an East German flecktarn jacket and Swiss alpenflage pants, or worse, they wear those weird colors of fake camo with names like "Blue Raspberry Ripple".) Not all gay guys are fashionable -- but only a truly straight guy will get dressed without looking. And yet all men (straight or gay) check themselves out in the mirror every day. (Don't try to deny it. You know you do.) Straight men have the power to check themselves out without even seeing the clothes -- maybe they're imagining themselves naked so as not to get stage fright. Anyway, just play along with all the stereotypes to make things easier for the straight guys, just like when all the gay guys got together and agreed on which side to wear the earring on just so straight guys wouldn't accidentally date them. > And if they have to take a minute or two to think about it but get > the answer right, who knows? You'd hang around a guy while he has his eyes closed saying "DUHHHHHHHHHH" for two minutes? Wow. You must be really turned on by the part of the front bar where guys sit on stools staring fixedly into space all evening. -- K. There should be a circus sideshow performer who's straight on one side and gay on the other. He'd have to get halves of two slightly different crew cuts... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manuel Noriega and other helpful learning examples Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 19:47:11 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] ask them what color their shirt is. > > Wait, you can buy shirts in colors? Mine have been restricted to > variations on beige and tan (the only off-white colors straight guys > know) for several years now. Do you wear a lot of jumpsuits and live in a futuristic Seventies dystopia? Do you have the furniture that looks like shiny plastic blobs, or the kind that looks like cubes with carpeting stapled to every side? In the Seventies, futuristic dystopias came in three color schemes: 1. Everything beige and tan 2. Everything white 3. White with black and silver trim "2001" and "Space: 1999" must have been dystopian nightmares because they had look #3. Nobody has yet done a dystopia where everyone wears all black on sets painted shiny black, though there are a couple scenes in "Star Wars" that have nearly enough glossy black stuff in them to look cool. I think it would be really great if George Lucas made a dystopian film that looked like the master negative of "THX-1138". But you'd have to be careful never to put the two of them in the same film can or they'd cancel each other out, leaving you with miles of medium gray film, and the only thing you could do with all this solid gray footage would be to have Gates McFadden run around in front of it because another one of Wil Wheaton's science experiments is trying to kill her. Don't get me started on what should be done with all the footage from "The Starlost". -- K. Nobody's ever done a dystopian future where everything is Barbie pink to make the population vomit whenever they take off their opaque goggles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manuel Noriega and other helpful learning examples Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:52:35 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nobody's ever done a dystopian future where everything is Barbie pink > > to make the population vomit whenever they take off their opaque goggles. > > Except Joe Arpaio. Sigh. All my best ideas have already been stolen by other sadists. Well, maybe I'll create a dystopian future where everything has fluorescent pink and green zigzaggy diagonal stripes all over it so that everyone thinks they've been sucked into a migraine. And then it'll give them all tension headaches. And they won't be allowed to complain because tension headaches aren't as bad as migraines. And then I'll take away all their fluorescent pink and green candy. -- K. I hear that late at night, when he thinks nobody's looking, Sherriff Joe Arpaio wears lacy lavender panties just to prove to himself that anything is more masculine than wearing pink. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kevins Bait Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 17:58:09 -0400 [generalized recipe rant I've been waiting for the opportunity to deploy] Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > I just purchased a cookbook compiled by a few hundred people here at > Medium Sized Insurance Concern. Here is a recipe that I just know Kevins > will love as much as I do. > > SWEET & SOUR STIR-FRY > > 1 T oil > 6 ounces Louis Rich ready to eat chicken strips > 1 can sliced water chestnuts > pea pods (several handfuls) > 1 T Pantai Pad Thai Sauce > 1 T cooking wine > 1 can pineapple chunks in heavy syrup, undrained > 6 packets of Equal > > Heat oil in a skillet. Add chicken, heat, then remove chicken. Add > veggies and cook until they are tender. Add sauce, pineapple, and salt. > Stir in Equal. This is why I don't follow cookbook recipes when I cook. I find such recipes to be ridiculously pedantic -- will it explode if I use actual chicken instead of pre-sliced, artificially-flavored Louis Rich(R) brand chicken? Can't I slice my own water chestnuts without hurting myself? Am I smart enough to figure out that I can substitute fake sugar for real sugar any time I want to? How come everything in the world is made from an integral number of tablespoons of this and an integral number of cups of that, instead of admitting that for some people the preferred value might be 1.4 cups and for others, 1.7 cups, and that this value might have to be determined by visual inspection halfway through the process because some pineapple is wetter? In my view, if you know how to cook meat (a prerequisite for any sort of cooking, with or without a recipe) all you need to know to approximate something you ate in a restaurant is a list of what's in it -- and if you can't figure that out by tasting it, either you need more practice eating food, or the thing doesn't have enough flavor to be worth eating. Basically, I feel that recipes are telling me not to use my own judgement about what I want to eat or how much, and yet they generally omit instructions for the difficult stuff, such as technique. (And which is supposed to be the "sour" half of "sweet & sour", the can of sugar syrup with lumps of boiled pineapple, or the packets of artificial sugar?) The recipes which bother me the most are the ones which claim to be simulations of mass-produced fast food, i.e. for making your own White Castle burgers, KFC chicken, or Louis Rich(R) brand extruded chicken strips. Even if you knew the exact quantities and proportions of chemicals in the restaurant's real secret formula, it still wouldn't come out exactly the same, because different people use different cooking techniques, and the restaurants have weird equipment to blowtorch the food in a consistent yet inhuman way. Cookbooks should be about how to cook, not what to cook. If I want there to be pineapple chunks in my pineapple chicken, I can figure that out, assuming I know whether or not I like the taste of pineapple. And if I forget that, a recipe won't help me. I know some people who, when their TV dinner's box says to preheat the oven for 5 minutes before putting the dinner in, actually set a timer for 5 minutes. Gas ovens and electric ovens cook much differently even when you preheat them, so how did the person who wrote the box psychically predict whether you have gas or electric? (With microwave directions they tend to give you elaborate multi-stage directions and then they admit, "Microwave ovens vary so adjust cooking time accordingly," because people find it comforting even to be given directions that admit they're useless. In some microwave ovens, your dinner will still be frozen in the middle if you follow the directions, and the difference between a gas oven and an electric oven is deeper than the difference between two sizes of microwave.) Someday I want to take one of those Always Follow The Directions people camping just to see them starve when they aren't willing to use their own judgement as to how long to hold the breakfast pan over the burning log. I think that part of the reason for the directions on the back of the TV dinner box is so that people can say "Yay! I'm cooking! Look, here's a recipe for how to make food out of this TV dinner!" Also the portions are so small. -- K. Don't get me started on how every single item in the supermarket is marked "ready to eat". Except maybe the toilet paper. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kevins Bait Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 19:45:17 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This is why I don't follow cookbook recipes when I cook. > > When did you start cooking at all? I thought your apartment was too > small to hold any pans. My apartment's big, it's just filled with stuff. I usually cook when I'm on a date in someone else's nice clean kitchen, because everyone but me owns more cookware but never uses it. I hate cleaning, some people hate cooking, so "I cook, you clean" works for me. > > Cookbooks should be about how to cook, not what to cook. > > THIS IS ROMBAUER AND BECKER FETISH AND YOUR KINK IS O.K. I never liked either of those sitcoms. > However, at my less imaginative times (if you can picture times even less > imaginative than when I am posting here), I find that I also want books > full of ideas for what to cook, so that I can then completely ignore two > or three recipes while combining ingredients from them into some new > thing. I agree, that's the best way to use cookbooks. I look at the pictures until I find the one that makes me the hungriest, then I figure out what I want to put in it instead of what they tell me to put in it. Usually that means leaving out any cheese, substituting better-tasting oils, adding more interesting vegetables, etc. The cookbooks I browse are usually printed in China or India so some experience is required to adapt the dishes to the equipment and ingredients that are locally available, as well as knowing how they expect some of the weirder ingredients to be treated. (An American cookbook won't explain how to peel an orange, it'll just say to start with "orange slices", so a Chinese cookbook will make similar assumptions that you know to peel the ginger.) One of the things I like about making curries etc. is that you can vary the quantities of (or even omit) some of the seasonings in a highly-seasoned dish without ruining it. I like things that have complicated flavors, and those are the ones where your own judgement about how to keep the flavors in balance (while meeting the spiciness preferences of your audience) is more important than matching the cookbook's measurements. Following the recipe of a real Indian cookbook is a recipe for disaster if you're going to be feeding average Americans. For those who might be looking for easy things to do, here are some ideas you can do at the drop of a hat even in someone else's kitchen, if you have the ingredients on hand: Currently the item I do that gets the best reviews is a fried rice featuring slices of Chinese sausage with hot pepper and grated coconut stuck to them, with garlic, green olives, peas, and spinach mixed into the rice. Fried rice is something where it comes out the most interesting if you make sure the seasonings stick to the lumpy items instead of just getting dispersed into the rice, so that the spots that have different texture also have different flavor. The recipe is based on items I've had at a couple of Asian restaurants, and being fried rice, the ingredients can be varied all over the place. The important thing is not to skimp on the hot pepper if you put coconut in your rice. Fried rice is really easy to cook, and if you have the time to do it right (boil the rice, put it in the fridge for at least two hours before you fry it) you can make it better than the restaurants do -- their fried rice usually isn't as clumpy because they don't have time to let it sit around in the fridge. (In China, the purpose of fried rice is to turn leftovers into a snack.) There are certain other items restaurants never do right which are great to learn to do at home. For instance, wild rice is seldom served in restaurants -- actual wild rice takes 40 to 60 minutes to boil, and if you overcook it it gets all weird-looking (I don't mind it overcooked, but restaurants couldn't serve it that way 'cause it looks like there are dead water striders curled up in your pilaf.) At home you can time the wild rice to take the correct amount of time to cook, while restaurants are limited to white rice because it can cook during your appetizer course, and will survive if they keep it warm in the rice cooker all evening. Wild rice takes too long and has to be served right when it's done. My standard side dish when I cook is a pilaf made from white rice, wild rice, brown lentils, and red lentils -- I go to the natural-food store and get small quantities of each from the bulk bins for a few cents, and just throw them all into the same pot at different times. And if people are used to canned soup, you can blow them away by making real soup, the kind where you simmer it for multiple hours. It's another one of those things which is ridiculously easy to do well (you can't screw up soup unless you put Dr Pepper in it.) Again, it's a matter of timing -- some parts of the soup you cook all day, but if it's noodle soup then you add the noodles later so they won't disintegrate. Rice and soup are ideal side dishes _because_ they take so long to cook that they let you focus on preparing the main course while they simmer. Plus people who only eat frozen food and fast food go ape if you make their apartment smell like chicken broth for two hours while they have to wait. It's fun. And it's really the easy things like that that are good to do on a date -- if you made a fancy pastry in their kitchen, there would be a lot more cleanup for not much more enjoyment. That's the sort of thing you'd only do in your own kitchen, a day in advance, and I prefer to cook in front of an audience. I'm not a great cook, but I know enough to impress people who "don't cook", and by the time I've dragged them to three different markets looking for the correct types of pea pods they're convinced I'm some sort of male version of Martha Stewart or Ted Allen. It's not about cooking anything fancy, it's about knowing how to exploit people's reactions. Same as any other art medium, it's not about putting the most effort possible into it -- it's about finding the most efficient way to get a good reaction for relatively little work. Art is manipulation of materials in order to get more compliments than you deserve. And be overt about it -- lay out the stuff on the plate in a "pretty" fashion like they do at overpriced restaurants (arrange the solid items in a pattern and then squirt three different sauces across in zig-zags) because the humans seem to like it when the same food is in a different arrangement. The shortcut is to find some delicious bottled sauces that have different attractive colors and you win! (Two-thirds of cooking for someone else is just learning enough about them to be able to predict what you can feed them. Then stock up on bottles of sauce that they'll like, and you'll get them addicted fast.) Anwyay, that's my philosophy. Now do I get my prize? -- K. I need to make one of those branding irons that will put my face on toast. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kevins Bait Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 00:56:31 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Fried rice is something where it comes out the most > > interesting if you make sure the seasonings stick to the lumpy items > > instead of just getting dispersed into the rice, > > How do you manage this? I make a pretty good fried rice, since I > figured out the fridge-it-first trick, and ceased to be afraid of oyster > sauce. But I can't figure out how to make the yummy pepper and coconut > stick to the sausage and not get all up in the rice. (Word.) Okay, so your rice has been in the fridge a while. Mix the sliced sausage, coconut, powdered hot pepper, and other dry seasonings (I use lemongrass powder, for instances) in a bowl and set it aside in the fridge for a few minutes. The sausage should be greasy enough that stuff'll stick to it, especially if you stir in a little bit of oil. Chop or grate your other vegetables (peas, spinach, garlic, and ginger were what I used last time -- couldn't find any pea pods that were acceptable) and put 'em in a bowl. Now get your pan oiled up and heated (remember, it's a little sesame oil plus about three times as much regular oil) then at the appropriate moment throw in a handful from each of your rice, meat, and veggie bowls. Obviously the handfuls from the rice bowl should be bigger. If you don't have a wok, limit yourself to frying relatively small amounts at a time, as it's hard to flip wads of rice if a frying pan is packed full. Don't stir the rice, flip it, if you can. Using a spatula to lift and flip a clump at a time works. Cook until the rice starts to brown. Some of the seasoning will come off when you cook and flip the rice, but that's okay, enough will stay stuck to the sausage to make it come out nice and flavorful instead of just sugary. (For those who don't know, Chinese sausage is very sweet, i.e. bacon plus sugar.) Don't be stingy with the hot pepper, because you're adding it to rice (bland), coconut (sweet), and sausage (sweet). You can use quantities of hot pepper that would otherwise cause people to jump out the window without this getting too spicy because of all that rice mellowing it out. > Also, spaghetti sauce. Super easy to make, and you can impress > everyone, even if you use canned tomatoes. I always start from tomato paste. There's something about concentrating (or drying) and then rehydrating tomatoes that gives them that really tangy flavor I like (not to mention it makes the sauce such a dark color.) My specialty's puttanesca (green & black olives, capers, and celery), my secret is to add finely-grated carrots to both thicken the sauce and reduce any bitterness the other ingredients might give. (Carrots absorb and neutralize bitter, and if you grate them really small they make a good texture enhancement too.) If you have to use olives with the fake orange pimento loaf inside, pick out and throw away the little orange Play-Doh bits, all they'd add to the sauce would be extra saltiness and bitterness. (If you need soggy pimentos, you can buy real pimentos in little jars, or get "salad olives" which include actual pimento bits, just not inside. Or buy an actual hot pepper that hasn't already been boiled three times.) I don't get why some people say "ick" whenever I add black olives. I'd think that if you could handle a green olive (which is very salty) you could handle a black olive (which has a much more mellow flavor.) Black olives are practically candy, I can eat a whole can as a snack. > >And if people are used to canned soup, you can blow them away by > >making real soup, the kind where you simmer it for multiple hours. > > This is true, kids. Listen to your father. > I just impressed the hell out of everyone with a 16 bean soup that > couldn't have been easier. I would never serve 16-bean soup to Kibologists, because then all the dinner conversation would consist of people competing to see who can count all the beans first. Also, they'd know you could buy bags of 16 beans at the market, so it'd have to be something like 31 beans. Don't forget to stain 1 in every 10 beans with beet juice so you can play "Roman Army Morale Officer". -- K. After that nobody'll complain about getting fava beans for dinner. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kevins Bait Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 05:24:04 -0400 TomH (address@my.sig) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I don't get why some people say "ick" whenever I add black olives. > > I'd think that if you could handle a green olive (which is very salty) > > you could handle a black olive (which has a much more mellow flavor.) > > Black olives are practically candy, I can eat a whole can as a snack. > > I'll be right over. Warm up the can opener. Okay, I'm putting the can opener in the brazier so that by the time you get here it should be glowing at least orange-hot. If you want ultraviolet-hot, give me some extra time to pack enough Tesla coils into the microwave oven to cause a space-time rift opening up a portal into The Dimension That's Really, Really Hot and I'll put on my Super-Asbestos glove and stick the can opener into the rift for precisely 3.1416 seconds so that it'll glow so bright that it'll melt your eyeballs if you even consider looking at it. > "Black olives" are not so easily found around here. Unless > you like the supermarket variety that taste like drywall > compound. Ethnic specialty stores carry tastier varieties. The Super 88 Supermarket has many types of the weird Asian interpretations of olives, which are usually dried and/or candied and not steeped in salty, copper-gluconate-laced brine the way the delicious ones from normal supermarkets are. For some reason, Asians consider olives to be fruit like cherries and raisins, when we here in Normal America understand that olives are really just squishy ellipsoids of unknown origin bobbing in a big jar of black dye, each with a tiny "X" on one side an an "O" on the other. > I find it easiest to go Kalamata and pick up the 2 KG barrel > at Costco. Pit them with a cherry pitter and add huge > quantities to put the putana in your putanesca. Over there, do they still use the classic sizing system where the tiny ones are "Large" and the small ones are "giant" and the regular ones are "Ultra-Gigundo Amazing Colossal Manly Man Size"? -- K. Well, I'm hungry now. You're mean! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kevins Bait Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 21:14:28 -0400 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > the panty cat pads in on thigh sauce feet > > it sits looking > over system 7 finder > on sosumi file forks > and then moves on. Hey, your haiku doesn't rhyme. Or have the right number of anapests. Or mention a man from Nansquicket who kept in his pocket a cricket. Or use only six-letter words. And now, I will demonstrate my own awesome linguismatastical skills by writing a poem which rhymes perfectly, has a uniform meter, and doesn't drone on and on forever like Shakespeare: JAMES "KIBO" PARRY PRESENTS A POEM: UNTITLED POEM TITLED "UNTITLED", THE FIRST POEM IN A LIMITED SERIES OF 50,000 Eat meat! THIS POEM IS COPYRIGHT (C) 2005 JAMES "KIBO" PARRY ALL RIGHTS RESERVED -- TODOS LOS DERECHOS RESERVADOS. IF YOU WANT TO FILM A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE BASED ON ON MY POEM, LICENSING FEES START AT FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS. I BET YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THE EXTRA WORD IN THE THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE BECAUSE EVERYONE IN THE WORLD EXCEPT FOR FOR ME ALWAYS FALLS FOR THAT TRICK. HAW HAW, I AM SO SO SMART. See? World's shortest and therefore best poem. All other things being equal, this poem is better because if everything else is equal then all the other stuff in the Universe is just the same as all the other stuff in the Universe and therefore more boring than me. -- K. Note that my last sentence of capitals began with an even simpler two-word poem using the rhyme scheme "A=A". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: rec.food.baking,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: rec.food.baking (meta) Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 20:08:11 -0400 In rec.food.baking and alt.religion.kibology, Roy (rbasan7@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...blah blah blah...] > > Helping somebody is the same, either its an old or feeble person to > cross the street or just a hapless cooking enthusiast looking for > answers to his/her cookery related questions. You're mean. Just because old people are all old and feeble and stuff is no reason you should try to relocate them all to the opposite side of your street. Also, why are you talking about cooking? Rec.food.baking is for baking. Cooking is over in rec.food.cooking. There's no rec.food.frying, so don't try to talk about making your own KFC or the Internet Police will arrest you before you've even finished asking what the Colonel's eleven secret herbs and spices are. -- K. (At least one of them is fish scales. Now you know why they're secret.) P.S. Does anyone know how they get the bones into the Animal 57 before frying it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: rec.food.baking,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: rec.food.baking (meta) Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 01:30:49 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. Does anyone know how they get the bones into the > > Animal 57 before frying it? > > After being "processed" into a non-living state, and has been > set in forms representing the various shapes needed, and before > the "meat" gels, they press simulated calcium-based "bones" into > the carcass pieces. Different forms get different "bones". I'd love to see the fancy machine they use to take the bones out again before they make the popcorn chicken. Someone should invent popcorn popcorn. You'd pop some corn, then chop it up into little bits, then batter the bits and deep-fry them. But would popcorn chicken fried steak be a popcorn-chicken-style fried steak, or a popcorn-style chicken fried steak? > Which is what makes eating KFC so fun - trying to find the 1 > "breast" shape that has a "thigh bone" in it ! This one time I was eating at KFC and I found a drumstick with an entire horse in it. But it turned out to be just an animal cracker so when I asked the manager whether he thought I should sue him he said no. -- K. Is there a recipe for making Necco wafers at home from common household porcelain ashtrays? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More weird shit I got in the post today Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 20:24:38 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > I donut remember if I told you all kibolophiles about my > > invitations to the Spanish embassy and the Irish Embassy, but I > > remember I mentioned the "Marquis Who's Who" junk mail. Was that from the real "Marquis Who's Who", or the other one of the same name run by Oprah Winfrey? > > This morning to my desk at work (at the SEKRIT DEATH FACTORY) was > > delivered a big envelope containing an invite from Ken > > Livingstone, Mayor of London, to attend the Mayor's Irish > > Scoieties Reception. Hey, I don't believe you work at the Secret Death Factory -- how come I've never seen you there? If you really do work at the Secret Death Factory, prove it: What are the eight reasons not to touch this large-diameter tungsten rod? > > It would all make more sense if I had the slightest documented > > dropperino of Irish boold, or if I had been a member of any > > identifiably Irish society since leaving the Dhahran Hurling Club > > (Cumann Naomh Abdullah). > > > > I shan't go, but it's nice to get unexpected invites to random > > odd things from time to time. > > Big deal-- I get invitations ALL THE TIME from people wanting me to > meet them behind a bar, or with pistols at dawn, or to leave town and > never come back and I don't go. Mang, you never see ME posting about > them to ARK! Meet me behind the bar and I'll give you something to post about. Be sure to bring your wimpy little tungsten rod. > Then again, you're Engerlish, so la-di-dah, la-di-dah. > I'll bet when the QUEEN of Engerland invites you to Balmoral to FOX > HUNT with him and Camilla, you'll go THEN, won't you?! But you won't > go to ANYTHING IRISH, will you? I live in a city which has billboards supporting the IRA, so I have all the advantages of living in Ireland without the disadvantage of having England next door. However, I never get invited to any of those Irish Societies Receptions. Nor would they let the Queen march in our local St. Patrick's parade. As a result, I do not expect to ever get invited to go fox hunting, especially as the royals know I'd embarrass them by exterminating all the foxes so that people in England would all say "Ha ha, the Royal Family isn't even any good at killing cute little critters. So we think Kibo should be king instead. Or if not Kibo, John Goodman." Whatever happened to John Goodman? Did he die or something? Or did he just become so typecast as a regular guy that he became invisible amid a sea of actual regular guys? -- K. Now head for the alley while I get my tungsten Giant H. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Trivia Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 01:42:13 -0400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > A local bar has this team trivia competition on Wednesday nights where you > can win a bar tab if your team happens to get the most correct answers to > their obscure questions. Tonight, the team looked to me (well, me and > another geek) to the answer for the question: > > In Chatrooms, what does the angry signoff BIOYIOP mean? According to Google, it has only been said on the Web about 1,900 times, and all of those 1,900 mentions are on pages titled "HERE IS A HANDY LIST OF INTERNET CUTESYISMS SUITABLE FOR FILLING UP HALF A PAGE IN CRAPPY NEWSPAPERS." I think even "NGETTAMTAMD" gets said more often. > I didn't have the slightest idea but took a stab at it. An incorrect stab. I'm rooting for it to be an angry stab! We must stamp out fake Internet jargon. > So just how common is this allegedly well known term? Anyone? Buelher? Don't make me do my Ben Stein impression, 'cause once I start, I tend to do it for weeks at a time. > We still came in second and added another $50 to our accumulated bar tab, > but the full $100 tab would have been a nice addition. Oh, NGETTAMTAMD. -- K. I bet Ben Stein would have gotten it right. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Durian Ice Cream Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 01:52:48 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > [http://www.radaronline.com/web-only/style-slave/2005/05/they-all-scream.php] > -> > -> Flavor: DURIAN > -> Provenance: Polly Ann's, San Francisco, California. > -> Mason: A kind word would be wretched. You get this from Spice Market? > -> Pichet will say it's not as good as his. > -> Ong: The taste is not horrible, but I make mine stronger. It should > -> be chunky with bits of durian. > -> Molly, age 6: Ew. It looks like dog pee. I'm not tasting it. > -> Alexander, age 10: That's fart ice cream, isn't it? > -> Thelonious, age 7: I'm poisoned! I'm poisoned! > -> Thelonious's mom: Did you just poison my child? "The taste is not horrible, but I make mine stronger" means "Needs more durian because it doesn't yet smell like cat puke." Durians don't taste as bad as they smell, but on the other hand I can think of 473,000 other flavors I'd rather find in my ice cream, from asafetida to zwieback. So what's a "style slave"? Is that someone who follows three paces behind you carrying a stopwatch to alert you the second your clothes are no longer trendy enough to warrant keeping a style slave? And how long do they live if you feed them nothing but durian ice cream? -- K. And where can I buy that mythical fart ice cream? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: tj Frazir sightings Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 02:37:06 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) offered someone another zillion imaginary dollars: > > post a bank number and ill just direct deposit it. > open an account for it idiot. > I dont nead your name ,,just a set of numbers. Do the numbers have to be a matched set, like your IQ and shoe size? > if not this week you will be waiting till I get back from hk then the > next week. Gee, why doesn't your WebTV work in Hong Kong? Is it that they don't have the Web, or they don't have TVs? Maybe you could make a few bucks by bringing modern technology like the WebTV to Hong Kong. -- K. Also, you misspelled "ideit". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (new for June 2005): Spot's Indifferent Assertion Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 03:05:17 -0400 Spot's Indifferent Assertion Copyright (c) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry "I don't really care that 'indifferent' may or may not be spelled correctly in the title of this story," said Spot languidly. "I figure it's probably one or the other but I really don't care 'cause it's just a stupid word." Then he fell asleep on top of the nuclear bomb he was supposed to be guarding, and in the morning, it woke him up by vaporizing him and most of the surrounding city. "Waah! I've been vaporized!" whined a tiny wisp of vapor. But nobody heard him because they were all busy being dead. So the wisp of vapor drifted over the border into Canada, which had an anti-nuclear-weapon defense program which stopped all radiation at the border. Vapor Spot floated to Toronto and swirled around inside the Bata Shoe Museum. "I thought the Shoe Museum was going to have interesting stuff, but it turns out it's just shoes!" said Spot, before getting absorbed by the Odor-Eaters in Elton John's "Pinball Wizard" boots. Spot cried! It was his shortest adventure ever. THE END! "Hey, I just heard something end!" Einstein dropped his Sunday newspaper comics section and put on his best rumpled hat. "Now's my time to shine!" Einstein Shows Up Unexpectedly Copyright (c) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry "Whee!" screamed Einstein as he slid down his Einstein-pole and hopped into his Einstein-mobile to race to where the narrator was still describing what was happening to Spot even though Spot had ceased to exist. Unfortunately, Einstein didn't get very far because he forgot the Einstein-mobile was just a cardboard box where "SALTINE CRACKERS" was crossed out and "NOT SALTINE CRACKERS" was scrawled on it in crayon. And then each of the "E"s had been crossed out and replaced with "mc^2". Einstein sat in his cardboard box, sweating with the exertion of trying to make it go. His sweat seeped into the cardboard box until it collapsed and he fell out. "Ow, I hit my head where my face doesn't cover! I better find another way of getting to where everyone can hear what I'm doing! I know, I'll put on those super-tall Elton John boots so I can take six-foot strides!" He reached up towards the Spot story but his arm accidentally brushed against "THE END!", killing him instantly. THE END! When Batman showed up to investigate the sudden death of Einstein (as detected on his Bat-Einstein-Death-Detector), he picked up the newspaper Einstein had dropped. Because it was the current edition, it now said that Einstein had died, and also that this story was now titled Batman's Montezuma's Revenge Copyright (c) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry "Uh oh!" gasped Batman. "It seems I'm going to have a bad case of Montezuma's Revenge! This must be the work of my old arch-enemy, The Diarrheonator!" He quickly began to wrap his abdomen in Bat-Aluminum Foil to keep out any anti- continence rays. Meanwhile, his sidekick Robin finished licking the crime scene for fingerprints. "Einstein's house tastes gross!" said Robin while making a face Batman didn't like to see him making, so Batman put up the Bat-Folding-Robin-Blocker to hide Robin's sour puss. But this meant he couldn't see the nuclear shock wave from Spot's death approaching them and was not able to yell "HOLY HYDROGEN! A DEADLY BLAST IS APPROACHING US! QUICK, BATMAN, DUCK BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S MOVING AT ALMOST THE SPEED OF LIGHT!" Batman was blasted off the face of the Earth, but the Bat-Folding-Robin-Blocker saved Robin's life. Robin looked around. Everything had been destroyed. Except for the Batmobile. The nuclear blast had just changed it from a really cool Batmobile into a cardboard box with "MONUMENT TO EINSTEIN'S GREATEST AUTOMOTIVE INVENTION" written on it in crayon. Robin didn't like this at all! He reached into his utility belt to see if he could find a "THE END!" pill to stop the story here. Unfortunately, the night before, Batman had filled Robin's utility belt with warm sour cream. Robin's hand was all goopy! "Well," said Robin, "At least I won't starve to death." He licked his fingers and then immediately died of Batman's Montezuma's Revenge. THE END! -- K. NOW GET OFFA MY LAWN! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The most horrifying thing ever seen on TV! Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 04:40:13 -0400 It was on ABC's "Supernanny" tonight. Nanny Jo -- a very serious Englishwoman built like Danny DeVito -- was sitting in a chair. With her legs crossed. You see where I'm going with this, right? Already, your brain is beginning to curdle... Sitting with her legs crossed. In a short skirt. And for some reason the cameraman had chosen to plant the camera directly in front of the chair, below knee level. I think the American viewing public was about a quarter of an inch away from seeing whether Nanny Jo wears underpanties. WHY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY WERE WE SO NEARLY EXPOSED TO THAT? I'm assuming the cameraman had something against Nanny Jo and chose to film her from that angle specifically to humiliate her. Of course low angles of the Supernanny are one of the more obvious ways the narrative of this show is constructed (making her look big and powerful as she must appear to the kids) but come on, someone saw her sitting with her legs crossed and said, "Hey, let's go 'Basic Instinct' on her!" This could only have been done because some evil cameraman dislikes Jo, or perhaps has a thigh fetish, or perhaps is being paid by the Communists to sicken all Americans. The cameraman who took that shot, and the editor who chose to air it, should both be put on a Naughty Spot at the center of the Sun until they're very sorry. PLEASE, ABC, NO MORE NANNY SUPERCROTCH CAMSHOTS. NO MORE SUPERUPNANNYSKIRTS, NO MORE UPSUPERSKIRTNANNIES, AND NO MORE "FIND THE MANOMETER" EXHIBITS. -- K. The only way this show could be grosser is if it featured Nanny Michael Jackson. Brrr! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The most horrifying thing ever seen on TV! Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 05:19:35 -0400 A short while ago, I wrote: > > It was on ABC's "Supernanny" tonight. > > Nanny Jo [...] Sitting with her legs crossed. In a short skirt. > > [...] > > I think the American viewing public was about a quarter of an inch > away from seeing whether Nanny Jo wears underpanties. > > WHY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY WERE WE SO NEARLY EXPOSED TO THAT? I'm now glad I saw that. You ask why? Because immediately afterwards was some wimpy little TV Land documentary about how gay people like sitcoms. It began by having a bunch of people declare matter-of-factly that all gay men worship Bea Arthur, Delta Burke, and Roseanne Barr. That claim nearly made me turn straight on the spot, but fortunately the horrifying image of Nanny Joe's nannypantyzone had already been burned into my brain, so now I'm just disgusted. As far as my feelings about Delta Burke et al go, my favorite moment from "Sledge Hammer!" has always been the scene where Dr. Arthur Deco (Richard Moll) builds a robot designed to prevent any human from watching "Designing Women". I should add that when I shave and take off my glasses, I turn into Richard Moll as Billy Bob Thornton as Richard Moll as me. I got that real big tall Richard Moll skull. That "Sledge Hammer!" episode also featured Armin Shimerman and Sid Haig. Once at the Museum Of Science I had my head turned into Armin Shimerman's. Unlike me and Richard Moll and me and Armin Shimerman, I have no connection with Sid Haig, even though he became a relationship counselor after a long career of being the evil dictator of twenty-eight different countries on "Mission: Impossible". My theory is that for that episode of "Sledge Hammer!" they called up Central Casting and said "This is a weird comedy, so send us three actors with weird-shaped faces!" -- K. I guess Gene Rayburn was busy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: CNN interviews Ted Turner on the subject of CNN on Ted Turner on CNN Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 05:41:08 -0400 [www.macon.com] -> -> Turner: CNN focuses too much on perverts So he wants it to be more like "Cops", where the perverts are blurry? -> CNN should cover international news and the environment, not the -> "pervert of the day," network founder Ted Turner said Wednesday -> as the first 24-hour news network turned 25. Hey, you can't be a pervert for just a day! It's a lifetime commitment! You know, like being married to Barbarella. -- K. You marry Jane Fonda just once and you're marked for life, even if none of your other wives is a Communist porn star in outer space. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More wrestling personae for Clans. Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 20:53:43 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > Is it still schadenfreude if you feel kind of guilty about it? > > > I don't feel like I ever get the full benefit of schadenfreude > > > because I'm always thinking, "Ha! He *so* deserved that! > > > Uh, but I shouldn't judge others. And he's not really that bad > > > of a guy..." > > > > You're not very good at schadenfreude if you get caught up in who > > deserves what. > > Yeah, that was my point. I'm bad at schadenfreude. I need > schadenfreude lessons. Well, you're not going to get them from me, because I enjoy seeing you suffering from feelings of inadequate schadenfreudianism. Schadenfreude is the lazy person's sadism. To do it right, you've got to get off the couch and make something happen! Otherwise you're going to spend your whole life watching reruns of "Cops". > [...] I'm also the person who got really upset at a commercial > a long time ago, with an animated teddy bear cookie jar that got > SO SAD when he had no cookies inside him because the family > ABANDONED HIM for another snack. I mean, it had it all -- sad cute > critter, unjust turmoil, and cookies. I didn't watch TV for a year. But did you eat that brand of cookies during that year? And did you resume watching TV because the supermarket ran out of them? My strategy for dealing with commercials is that I throw them all into this little bin in the bottom of my TiVo, where once every five years I have to empty out this tiny compressed block of stupid. I would recycle it, but I don't think the world needs any more blue margarine. -- K. Gotta go, I need to iron the creases in my cop uniform. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Sensory Loft? Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 21:39:19 -0400 [www.boston.com] -> -> THIS STORY HAS BEEN FORMATTED FOR EASY PRINTING -> -> Contracts help preschoolers learn how they should behave -> -> By Barbara F. Meltz, Globe Staff -> -> Five-year-old Isaiah Anderson sometimes hits, kicks, and screams, -> behaviors that would get him expelled at many preschools. At Tufts -> Educational Day Care in Somerville, it got him a signing ceremony -> in director Janet Zeller's office. With teachers and his mom as -> witnesses, here's what he agreed to: -> -> ''I, Isaiah Anderson, know how to listen to my teachers. When my -> teachers talk to me, I will not scream, try to hit, or say you're -> not my boss. If I do any of these things, I will go to the sensory -> loft so I can slow down my heart. I am an expert at using the -> sensory loft to slow down my heart. This is hard work but I know I -> can do it." What's a Sensory Loft? Is it a sensory-deprivation chamber or a sensory-overstimulation chamber? Or is it sensory deprivation on one side and overstimulation on the other to make you tip over? I want one. Unless it's just some sissy thing like the Harmony Hut from "Addams Family Values", in which case I'm just going to stay home and practice doing my light bulb trick. -> Zeller's office walls are filled with contracts like these, -> promises 3-, 4- and 5-year-olds formulate with their teachers to -> learn how to control behaviors that get them in trouble and make -> them feel bad. They call it ''being the boss of your own body." My favorite Massachusetts State Police billboard said something like that. "BE THE BOSS OF YOUR OWN BODY -- BEFORE WE DO." Not in those exact words, but with the same insinuation of enslavement and colon searches. -> Like many children who struggle with impulse control, Isaiah has -> learned that when he is upset, frustrated, or angry, it's as if -> he's a car and the engine is out of control. It's not safe to -> drive. The car -- Isaiah -- might get hurt, or it might hurt -> others. But his body gives him a signal. When his heart beats fast -> and he's not exercising, his engine is out of control. He can fix -> it by going to the loft, where over-size pillows, cuddly blankets, -> sound blockers, and sunglasses are among the props a teacher helps -> him use to calm himself so he can rejoin the activity. "YAY! I'VE BEEN A BAD BOY SO NOW I GET TO WEAR SUNGLASSES!" Also, I imagine the Sensory Loft looking just like the inside of Jeanie's bottle. -> It could be a skill that will last a lifetime. Even if not, it is -> likely to keep him from being expelled. "If I get expelled, do I get to keep the sunglasses?" -> [...] -> -> Time is critical to turn a child around. When a child at Zeller's -> preschool has a contract, it can take a month or a year before -> there is yet another ceremony: removal of the contract, a joyful -> celebration that says: ''You did it!" "Now I never have to be good again! Also I can mix single and double quotes!" -> Some children want to tear up the contract, some want to take it -> home. Zeller suspects Isaiah will be in the latter category. Almost -> daily, he brings his contract out of his cubby to read with teacher -> Aimee Ellingwood. -> -> ''My contract makes me happy," he tells her. ''I like it. It helps me." He hasn't yet learned to read the really tiny print at the bottom that signed him up for AT&T long-distance service. -- K. I don't have to honor any contracts because I once signed one where it said I did not need to honor any other contracts ever again. And all I had to give in exchange for that was... A HUMAN SOUL! PROBABLY YOURS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: apology about that gay thing Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 06:01:26 -0400 [...some discussion I came in late for...] Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > [...] > > So I got miffed at Kibo, which, really, is not all that difficult to > accomplish, and I would just like to say that I'm really not too smart to > like gay men. Oh, whatever. The choice is yours! If being not smart is what it takes to make you a fag hag, you're allowed. Just choose one or the other. Just remember, if you become a fag hag, you can never be smart again. You'll have to date pairs of married men while watching "The Benny Hill Show". Or, if you choose to be smart, you can never again be a fag hag. You'll have to lust after men who don't know where anything in the supermarket is. And you'll go crazy using your brain power to explain to them over and over that the veggies are always in the front because they're pretty and the milk and bread are always in the back so that you have to go past all the other stuff to get to them except in the Prudential Shaw's where the market is all back so everything is equidistant from you at all times due to the warped Riemannian geometry caused by that aisle with the branch in it. > I'm sorry I said I was smart about something. You know, I really should have a spot in my .signature for famous quotations... > I was just very angry after watching 10 minutes of Benny "World's Least > Funny Man" Hill pretend to not be gay while butchering the delivery of > every joke in the world. Hey, he was actually funny for at least 3% of each hour-long episode he did on Thames in the 1970s! He was, however, 104% not funny during his '50s-'60s BBC series and his '80s HBO series. And yes, I've seen them all. I have the good episodes from the '70s completely memorized. This is why I am occasionally heard to hum a medley of "Yakety Sax" and "Mah-Na-Mah-Na" while slapping bald people around. How dare they be bald! Always confusing me with their heads that look exactly like breasts under highly contrived circumstances! If you were straight you'd get Benny Hill. I bet you also don't like all those people who stole their entire acts verbatim from Benny Hill, such as Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton and Laurel and Hardy. Such rampant plagiarism, yet they couldn't even be bothered to copy the two pieces of music that played eighty-four times an episode. I think the first "SCTV" box set is the one which has Dave Thomas starring in "The Benny Hill Street Blues". It's hideous yet brilliant. How could Benny Hill have been bad if he inspired a parody that smart? -- K. dee dee dee deedle-dee-dee dee dee dee, dee dee dee deedle-dee-dee deedle-dee-dee-dee... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New species discovered Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 07:07:01 -0400 Stop the presses! A new species of packing peanut has been discovered! We're all familiar with the classic '70s-style "8" peanuts, as well as the "S", "C", "H", "L", "E", and "3" variants. Well, yesterday I received an eBay item packaged in a box which had originally been mailed from China, and I don't remember what was in the box, what was important was that it had interesting packing peanuts! These exotic foreign peanuts are rotationally-symmetric trilobites, with three pseudopodia at 120 degrees apart. Basically, they're fat "Y"s. Like starfish that got bored and stopped after growing the first three arms. As part of my taxonomic research, I shall now diagram the correspondence between packing peanuts and other Styrofoam-like food items: packing peanut styrofood it's shaped like -------------- -------------------------- 8 C3POs cereal S Stella D'Oro Breakfast "Treat" C Burger King Croissan'wich H Giant H On A Stick L Lbow Macaroni E Penrose's Impossible Widget Chews 3 New Two-Calorie Threes Y Bootleg Meow Mix Now With Wishbones For Choking On However, scientists cannot agree whether it is possible for there to be other packing peanuts such as "G"s or "Q"s. This will be resolved once they settle the question of whether Alpha-Bits is allowed to be 26 different letters of packing peanuts or just a cereal which kids only think they want to eat. There are also Styrofoam peanuts shaped like hollow hemispheres, which obviously correspond to Quisp cereal, except they're not a letter of the alphabet so they pose a problem and thus must be ignored. And then there are those puffy ones which look like white Cheetos but taste like nothing -- the ones made from corn starch so they'll dissolve when you flush them instead of just floating out to sea to become part of The Great Sargasso Beanbag Chair. -- K. What do they use for packing peanuts on high-gravity planets? Grapeshot or just rocks? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New species discovered Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:54:45 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > Er, no, libraries *should* smell like sekrit herbs and > > spices, because it masks the smell of pee. > > oh dear god! i don't go to the stacks very often, but there > is one floor that really *does* smell like pee. So I assume it's a one-floor library? > it's disgusting! and don't get me started on the bathrooms. > i could rant about people who don't know how to flush or wash > their hands, but who wants to hear that? what i *will* rant > about is the number of people who do not even use TP. ick! > there's nothing quite like realizing that the person in the > next stall is zipping up their jeans and YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THE > TP DISPENSER MAKE A SINGLE NOISE. THIS IS LISTENING QUIETLY FETISH I now imagine you sitting on the toilet bowl with your legs drawn up like Violet in "9 to 5" wearing a big pair of headphones attached to one of those parabolic microphone guns and a reel-to-reel tape recorder from Target's Peter Graves collection. Oh shoot, I just got on the bus leaving Target and realized that I forgot to get any self-destruct refills for my tape recorder. Also I didn't see any of those magical latex Halloween masks that allow Leonard Nimoy to fit his big bony head inside Larry Linville's chinless little head. I think he also had those special kinky boots that make you shorter. To sum up, is there a library that doesn't smell like urine and isn't filled with fart gas? Long ago I developed a theory that farts go into libraries and stay there forever. Libraries need to figure out a way to trick people into checking out farts and then never returning them. Part of the problem, of course, is that libraries give people gas. Something about being around all that cellulose. They need to replace all their treeware with Books On UMD. (In six months, nobody'll remember what a UMD was...) -- K. But for some reason I still remember what a CD-i was. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New species discovered Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:53:41 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > We're all familiar with the classic '70s-style "8" peanuts, as well > > as the "S", "C", "H", "L", "E", and "3" variants. > > I know I'm officially not smart and all, but aren't the E variants just > the 3's turned 180 degrees? Hell no! "3"s are rounder and have a notch in their spine. "E"s are square and look like "E"s. > My research yesterday shows that Amazon still ships with the filled-in > 8's, which look just like circus peanuts, only are white and tastier. Most of the stuff I order from Amazon doesn't get peanuts, it just gets shrink-wrapped to a flat piece of cardboard like some sort of miniature Vacbed Of Procrustes. I hate packing peanuts. You turn on one lousy Van de Graaf generator in your apartment and FOOM all the packing peanuts from the next room jump on you like killer bees chasing Raquel Welch through some guy's bloodstream. > [...] > > Gah. This reminds me of a dream I had just before waking up, two days > ago I guess. I was remembering a cereal I really liked when I was a kid, > and wondering if they made it anymore, and I was really hungry for this > cereal, which I think was chocolate, but I'm not sure. It all seemed so > lucid and normal at the time: old cereal, put it on the grocery list, > find out if it's still sold at Food 4 Less. > Then I woke up and the memory was gone. I still can't remember what the > Mystery Cereal was. Count Chocula? No... S'Mores? Nope. Quisp? No, > definitely not Quisp. It wasn't chocolate, it was Kaboom. The only cereal to have blue pieces in it for many years, plus the tangy zip of citron. Shaped like little Internet smileys except with the eyes on the top. And it had a really mellow clown on the box so as not to scare you. You're welcome. > > And then there are those puffy ones which look like white Cheetos > > but taste like nothing -- the ones made from corn starch so they'll > > dissolve when you flush them > > That's the sound of the Hivemind collectively wondering just how you > know this important information. The second sound you hear is of the > Hivemind collectively jotting this information down in their notebooks. Dude, I can't eat cheez. So of course I've tried the cheez-free packing peanuts. As far as what happens when you flush packing peanuts, a friendly local Ed Norton once told me that at work he has to wade through lagoons of the plastic kind deep in the sewers. Then he demanded I prove I'm a man by beating up William Shatner. -- K. If you could order anyone to beat up William Shatner, who would it be? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Quick Survey: In What Way Does Kibo Make YOU Uncomfortable? Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 23:01:00 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Quick Survey: In What Way Does Kibo Make YOU Uncomfortable? > > I need to know for SCIENCE. Also, in what ways _doesn't_ Kibo make you uncomfortable? I need to know so I can achieve my lifetime goal. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to drill holes crosswise through some giant lag screws, for CAPITALIZED SCIENCE. -- K. Uncomfortable, do I make you? I don't _make_ monkeys, I just train 'em! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eczema Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 23:10:34 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > [to Rose Marie Holt] > > Have them check you for an allergy to nickle. My mother's "eczema" > was actually an allergy to nickle. They didn't figure that out until > she had clawed both her arms to bloody shreds. A nice look for > summer. You'd be surprised how many people have undiagnosed nickel allergies. Some people can be set off just by touching stainless steel (it always contains some nickel) and others are fine until they get stabbed with something nickel-plated which is electrified. (Electricity makes people react more strongly to their metal allergies, since it makes the metal ions jump into them.) Most cheap silver-colored jewelry is either nickel-plated brass or "nickel silver", if you have a strong allergy to nickel you have to spend your life avoiding anything that's not made of hypo-allergenic metals like aluminum, niobium, or titanium. (Note: "surgical steel" jewelry is often marked "hypo-allergenic", which is a lie -- surgical steel is stainless steel with _extra_ nickel.) There are also a lot of people who are allergic to copper (which is in anything made of brass, bronze, sterling silver, or nickel silver) but it's the nickel allergy that's really common. But I bet Dr. Rose already knows this, what with her being a real doctor and me just playing one on TV. Also, I can neither spell nor pronounce "eczema". However, I know how to spell and pronounce "epoxy", but I cannot _type_ it, because every time I try to type "epoxy" it comes out "expoy" or "expoxy". Stupid "x". It should stay in "exczema" where it belongs. -- K. Eczema is the second-worst type of Zima. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eczema Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 23:16:17 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > Eczema. Who'd have thought. I feel liek idiot. > > Why? It's not like you went to K-Mart and tried to buy socks but bought > eczema instead, out of ignorance. Eczema is not caused by stupidity in > 99.44% of recorded cases. POOR SPOT! His big irregular red spot was caused by stupidity! "DUH," said Spot, and "DUH," said his skin. All of it itched except the little semi-circle in the middle of the "D". But when he scratched his "DUH" he accidentally scratched across the "D" turning his rash into "BUH". "DUH," said Spot as he scratched his "BUH". But eventually the damage he did to the center of the "D" healed. "BUH," he said as he scratched his "DUH". Also, trying on socks at K-Mart gives you athlete's foot, not eczema, and athlete's foot does cause stupidity, because all athletes are stupid. I mean, have you ever tried playing Scrabble against Tie Domi? He can't even make a three-letter word like "DUH" without knocking your tiles off the board and punching you. -- K. The best way to get rid of eczema is to burn it off. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo Subject: Re: Law Enforcement Gone Wild Date: Sat, 04 Jun 2005 19:45:28 -0400 In alt.politics.kibo, soundweapon1@cs.com wrote: > > Law Enforcement Gone Wild > > Ever wonder about secret classified technology mentioned on TV news > reports that give law enforcement the ability to hear and see through > walls? It's called a "screen window". > What are the capabilities of this technology? It keeps the flies out. Or in the case of your home, it keeps the flies in. > Where is it kept? Taking a cue from Edgar Allen Poe's "The Purloined Letter", it is deviously hidden in plain sight! And it's nearly invisible! Whenever you try to look at it, you get distracted by all those pretty trees on the other side! Unless you live near Camden, New Jersey, in which case you get distracted by all the pretty swirling smog on the other side! By the way, that's not smog. > What safeguards are in place to guarantee it is not misused? There's that little catch you have to flip with your thumb before sliding it up, which will deter any burglar who doesn't know that he can just tear the plastic mesh out of the screen window. It's made from the same stuff as pantyhose, but flatter. > You will be shocked to learn that law enforcement has been abusing this > technology for years, possibly decades. Law enforcement has formed > secret police groups that covertly and illegally use this technology to > conduct illegal surveillance against innocent American civilians. > > The technology can be used to electronically see and hear right through > the walls of your home. All your conversations and movements in your > home can be monitored and recorded completely without your knowledge. > For more information, please visit the website listed below. > > Website: > http://ourworld.cs.com/soundweapon/ > > Soundweapon@cs.com Isn't CS a type of deadly nerve gas which is invisible, odorless, and easy to send through telephone lines? > Please Note: Postings on newsgroups of messages relating to this topic > are being removed possibly by the government. Hundreds of newsgroup > postings of related subjects have been removed, sometimes within a few > hours of initial postings. Please copy this information and repost it > in any appropriate newsgroup, including this one. Also, please send > this information to any federal, state, local law enforcement, congress > person, and senator you know of. I'm passing it along to everyone I know in the United States Department Of Firing Brain Rays At You. Of course, they're very busy, so they have to prioritize -- they only have time to fire brain rays at the people who make the most noise complaining about brain rays. -- K. SECRET MESSAGE FOLLOWS *** DO NOT DECODE *** dirns tlenb oebkw bljen dkfhg wjnbk sebtl djebk dnklw nrmda dnrbt tognw bakrh carol nrjtg fjfke bwbrk rnbwk rbktn laser ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo Subject: Re: Law Enforcement Gone Wild Date: Sat, 04 Jun 2005 22:15:40 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > You know what always pissed me off about "The Purloined Letter"? It > wasn't hidden in plain sight, that's just crap. The super sekrit > oh-like-WOW-Dr-Bob-isn't-this-amazing hiding place was that the letter's > envelope was turned inside out and a new address and stamp written on it, > and then placed on a desk where envelopes go. > Duh. That's HIDDEN. That's DISGUISED. It's not "hidden in plain > sight" and everyone who says it was is so extremely bigly wrong. Gah. I was referring to the "Classics Illustrated" 3-D porno comic book, not the lame public domain version you have without even 2-D pictures! Anything that's public domain is no longer worth reading. Next you're going to tell me that in "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea" they only went straight down 19,000 leagues. I say that in my version, Captain Nemo's atomic-powered submarine, the Stingray, went down 20,000 leagues, and furthermore, that "Stingray" was a TV show from the early 1960's. [in another article] > > "The Master" came out during the early 80s, when a lot of single-season > action adventure shows aimed at kids were produced. "Stingray", > "Condorman" and "Airwolf" and a lot of stuff involving ninjas. And, of > course, "Gilligan in Space". Dude, "Stingray" was before even "Thunderbirds", which was before "Captain Scarlet", which was before "UFO", which was set in the distant future year of 1980, so "Stingray" was back when 1980 wasn't even in the future yet. One look at Troy Tempest's eyebrows should tell you that that show was made back when Gerry Anderson was still learning basic tool use. It was done circa 1963. When they later revived the show with Nick Mancuso, it was a total bomb, mainly because the budget ran out before they could buy enough yak hair to give him the right eyebrows. -- K. You write your own stamps? That's not only illegal, it's inefficient, as it costs more than 37c worth of time to draw a Flash Gordon that tiny. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Boom! Date: Sun, 05 Jun 2005 03:44:18 -0400 Just so's you know, today I was working with epoxy putty. It comes in sticks that look like big Tootsie rolls with a creamy center, except not in the same colors. One popular kind is green on the outside and yellow on the inside. You have to knead it to mix them (it has the texture of chewing gum.) Only problem is, whenever I do this, I feel the urge to lean eighty degrees to the left and say, "You've... never... SEEN... me... VERY... UPSET!" then scream "RED LIGHT!!! GREEN LIGHT!!!" and then the wad explodes and the fireball blows me the length of the Chunnel but fortunately the fireball propels me faster than the fireball moves so I don't get roasted and then there's a really stupid sequel. So, I think I've figured out why whenever I try to type "epoxy" it comes out as "expoy". It's because epoxy EXplodes. And because I'm apparently Tom Cruise. Well, at least when the Martians invade Boston, they'll try to kill me by blowing up the wrong neighborhood. Sorry, South End! -- K. And then the Gideons broke into the computer vault at CIA headquarters just to leave a Bible there. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boom! Date: Sun, 05 Jun 2005 07:00:29 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, I think I've figured out why whenever I try to type > > "epoxy" it comes out as "expoy". It's because epoxy > > EXplodes. And because I'm apparently Tom Cruise. > > So type "Milliput", already. "Milliput"? What's that? Have you found a way to make a dreidel only 1/1000th as much fun? "Yay, I won a thousandth of a penny! That's almost a peso!" > And don't try to tell us that it makes you think of Lemuel > Gulliver being stranded in a country full of tiny people wearing > G I Joe camouflage jackets. I feel like that all the time, Tiny. YOU GO SQUISH NOW! -- K. I like the epoxy that comes in flat little packets you can squish, 'cause in an emergency you can use the packets as handwarmers.