From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Quick question Date: Sun, 22 May 2005 19:40:10 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > > > > > Why don't objectivists implode when they change their mind? > > > > Ayn Rand fans can change their mind? > > Hey now, there are at least three objectivists who are *not* > fans of Ayn Rand. That's impossible! Everybody loves Ayn Rand! > Randroids have this habit of travelling in a certain direction, > from Republican to Strict-Construction-Constituttional-Libertarian > to libertarian to anarcho-capitalist. Some stop, or die, at some > point along the way. Whether they are truly changing their mind > or just making their mind up is open to debate. Ever notice how the phrase "...is open to debate" is only ever said about things that normal people find extremely boring? Why is that? Why are some things boring? Why are some things very boring? What's boring about boring things which are boring? And why do people love Ayn Rand more than they love me, Ayndy Rooney? Am I boring? If I were boring, how would I know? Because if I were boring, I wouldn't be able to listen to myself long enough to tell me how boring I am. I might just be so respected that nobody has the courage to tell me how boring I am. So let's all think about whether or not I'm boring. What's with everyone wanting to know just how boring I am? I find it boring that I don't know whether I'm boring. I'm Ayndy Rooney, and I may or may not be boring. Maybe if all of our nation's politicans were able to admit that they may or may not be boring, then the world would be a happier place for all Americans. This is loyal American Ayndy Rooney saying, have a boring night. > I think most of them are unwilling to admit that maybe Objectivism > and Rand aren't all they were cracked up to be. She didn't invent, > or even advocate by word or deed, the NIOF principle, and about all > that can be said about libertarian/anarchist theory had been written > before she was born (economic arguments are another matter, but she > did not make them). The only political philosophy to which I subscribe is that there should be complete anarchy, with me in charge of it. > > By the way, Ayn Rand is not going to be happy when I dye my hair > > fluorescent purple next month. [...] I don't like the purple, > > but it's for a good cause, namely, money. > > If meat is murder, then capitalism is rape at worst and prostitution > at best. Hey, I support _consensual_ capitalism. Only taxation is rape. And meat doesn't have to be murder. You could cut a chunk out of a cow without killing it. Hell, cutting a starfish into several pieces gives you several whole starfish next month, so if you just keep eating starfish legs you're actually increasing their population, which is the _opposite_ of murder. And even though meat isn't murder, it's still delicious. > > She should have written more books after she died, just like > > L. Ron Hubbard, though she wasn't as good a writer. > > Only a conniving socialist would say such a thing. Rand was a master > at lampooning caricatures. She would have been the kibologist's > kibologist. She could never have been good at puncturing stereotypes, because she was just a girl. Poor Ayn Rand! -- K. I think she was one of these people who everyone assumes must have been a genius because she had bad hair. AND MY HAIR IS BADDER THAN HERS! I WIN! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: CLans vs Sick Nick Byrne Date: Sun, 22 May 2005 20:20:30 -0400 Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.HAWHAWSPAMTRAP.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > Wow. What an experience. I've been a student of wrestling, from WWE to ECW > to puro resu and luchalibre, since I was about 5. I've praticed in padded > rings, Those are called "bras". > run the ropes, worked out with wrestlers, you name it. But nothing, > and I mean NOTHING, could have prepared me for the sheer adrenaline rush of > hearing your music hit, coming down the aisle, and having people cheer you. > > Also, being jumped on from 5 feet in the air by a 200lb man and his knees. And that's when you get just the right ratio of endorphins on top of the adrenaline. The adrenaline takes the edge off the initial onset of the endorphins so that you can enjoy them as they set in for hours at a time, or months if the guy's knee crushed something important. > I was scheduled to do a run-in early in the show to save the current champ > from a 3-man beatdown. They wanted me to use the traditional folding chair, > but I thought the chain with bicycle D-Lock would be more in flavour. Other bad-guy wrestling weapons you could try: I know a crowbar's been done, but what about a bicycle pump? You could swing it like a bat _or_ put it in the guy's mouth. How about a unicycle? A pizza paddle? A plastic lightsaber filled with stage blood? A real lightsaber filled with real blood? > So the champ (known only as Cyber) is in the ring, ranting, the crowd of > about 500 or so is eating it up. Out comes Nick Byrne, the partner of the #1 > contender (Chris Gort) and rants. Then from behind Chris Gort attacks Cyber > and the beatdown is on: Nick, Chris and their "valet" (read: hawt chy><0r > with teh bqqbies hanging out) on Cyber. Gangsta's Paradise hits and I come > out, kick Gort in the head, and then catch Nick with the chain. The valet > jumps on my back, Cyber pulls her off, gives her a spanking and throws her > to the floor. He hits his finisher on Gort and I get to debut The Hood, > where I position the opponent on my shoulder as if for a running powerslam, > then hoist them up and drop them in a face-first powerbomb. It looks very > impressive but is also easy to take without getting hurt. Hey, I paid to see you hurt people, not give a Penn-and-Teller-style demonstration of how it's fun to pretend I'm the only one who knows it's all a trick! LA LA LA LA I AM NOT LISTENING LA LA LA I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO BUYS THE WEEKLY WORLD NEWS JUST TO LAUGH AT HOW EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD THINKS IT'S COMPLETELY REAL LA LA LA LA LA LA LA NOBODY BUT ME REALIZES McDONALDS FOOD IS DESIGNED TO TASTE BAD LA LA LA LA LA LA > Nick made it look awesome, snapping his head back and writhing while > holding his chest. The crowd popped, but more likely because Cyber > just did a twisting moonsault onto Gort. Ah well. > > So the matches were set, and having done a run-in earlier, the crowd knew > who was coming with the music and gave me a decent cheer. The match itself > was pretrty straightforward, I worked in some nice submissions, a couple > suplexes, and took a few bumps, including one very hard DDT which left me > with a headache until about an hour ago. Serious advice: Read up on everything you can about concussions and their warning signs. 'Cause sooner or later you're going to get one and they're not fun and you may not be able to tell whether or not you have one unless you've spent oodles of time training yourself to stop and think every two seconds about whether you feel funny. > I was booked to lose the match due to intereference, a chair gets slid into > the ring by the valet and I get a drop toehold into it, followed by the > above-mentioned double knee from the top, known as the Sick Bastard. Next > week I get to debut my rapping skills, and also team up with Cyber to take > on Gort and Byrne. I support the Sick Bastard. Wrestling should consist entirely of moves with names like that. Too many of the movies have dainty names like "The Half-Nelson". Even a whole Mike Nelson would still just be a doughy nerd who once wore a dance belt in "Brigadoon". > What's that? What am I planning for the rap? Glad you asked. > > Like Terri with a scythe > I'll make a widow of yo wife > Put an end to yo life > Bring da trouble and strife > Lose? I don't think so > I drink hot sauce like Kibo > Yo mama's a crack ho > I need to hit that yo. > > Wait wait wait, that sounded wrong. I don't mean hit a crack ho, dat's > nasty. Ok OK check this out. You drink hot sauce and you don't approve of crack? What's wrong with you? Hot sauce is an even cheaper drug than crack, therefore even more lower-class. People who don't know who Kibo is would probably just get lost at the abrupt transition from talking about hurting people to talking about Kibo drinking hot sauce. You need a segue. A great thing to do for a bad rap would be to add a line saying something like "I drive a Segway and now I'm gonna make a segue..." while holding up a card saying "PLEASE LAUGH AT MY AWESOME PUN. IF YOU NEED MY SOPHISTICATED VOCABULARY EXPLAINED TO YOU, PLEASE CONSULT ANY REPUTABLE DICTIONARY AT YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY. WERD!" > Yo ass is a monkey and I'm gonna spank it > > Nah nah nah dat ain't right either. "Yo' ass is a monkey and I'm gonna spank it all night" should appeal to the wrestling audience, especially if they know what masturbation is. It would take a little practice to deliver that line with just the right pause in just the right place to separate the "I'm gonna spank it all night" part from the rest of the sentence in the most perfectly awful manner possible. > I'm stuck there, but I have 6 days to save^H^H^H^H fix it. Hmm, drinking hot sauce raises all sorts of possibilities for a bad guy. Get one of big quart bottles of Tabasco, wash it out, fill it with V-8, drink half the bottle -- and then spit a mouthful in someone's face. It'd probably still sting their eyes, since tomato juice is pretty acidic, but I'm sure you're not wrestling against total wusses. If you think that's too mean, you could always just pour the fake hot sauce over your own head right before grappling. something something Tabasco something something hurt yo' ass so something something something is it chili in here or is it just me, yo And wear a T-shirt with Andy Kaufman's face on it. The crowd'll hate you for sure, especially if you pay off Jerry Lawler to help you. Also, if you're wrestling in Canada, your rap should tell the audience that they're almost as dumb as hockey fans. That might incite them to riot and rush the ring so you could then beat up hundreds of people! The possibilities are endless when you're as evil as Andy Kaufman but actually have muscles and aren't just wrestling for the frottage! -- K. If you _are_ just wrestling for the frottage, you may have to change your theme music. Ennio Morricone sounds right for frottage. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: CLans vs Sick Nick Byrne Date: Sun, 22 May 2005 20:35:20 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > Chris Lansdell (lansdellicious@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > I was booked to lose the match due to intereference... > > Do you mean these matches aren't the real deal? Does the House > SubCommittee on Wrasslin' know about this? I thought he was up in Canada, since one of his E-mail addresses ends with sympatico.ca just like Etienne Rouette's. And the Senate has no authority over Canada, which is a lawless land where the only government is a Queen and three Mounties, only one of whom speak any English, and he still can't talk because he has to work undercover as a "living statue" street mime in white bodypaint in Montreal. In this frozen anarchy, beavers and moose run wild in the streets, mauling fur trappers and donair hunters alike. The people are constantly rioting, and the only way to avoid them is to go some place quiet like the Bata Shoe Museum, and that's _too_ quiet. The anarchy is further exacerbated by the fact that all Canadians are drunk all the time, even in years when the NHL isn't playing. I tell you, the Senate should annex Canada to put a stop to all this and make it as civilized and clean as the Federal Triangle. > New Kenny Chesney song: "Booked to Lose." > > Congratulations, I guess. Hey, it's closer to winning a pro wrestling match than I will ever come. Unless they change the rules to allow cattle prods. And change the rules again to disallow cattle prods for anyone else. -- K. Clans, if you were to refuse to throw the match, and then left via the fire escape, and then ran into Ving Rhames on the street, could you please tell Bravo not to completely delete my favorite character from the TV version of the next scene? Also, can you find out what's under Ving's Band-Aid? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Irate "Star Wars" fans _almost_ riot, that is, they get sorta cranky Date: Sun, 22 May 2005 21:46:44 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Kibo will probably make fun of me for this, but [...] You know, once you say "Kibo will probably make fun of me for this," it really doesn't matter what you put after it. It's the Internet's official "KICK ME HARDER" sign. > I thought the "Star Wars Porn" skit they did on Conan O'Brien last > week was one of the best things I have seen on the show. You mean week before last. Remember, the United States is in a time zone one week ahead of Australia. Unless you mean the 3:35am showing that has the first half of the monologue missing, in which case you get the same episodes we do. (It's on twice a night -- they show week-old ones from 3:35 to 4:30 when the morning news begins, but instead of cutting off the last five minutes of music and credits, they cut the first five minutes.) If you're watching those episodes that are missing the first five minutes, you haven't been getting to see Joel "warm up" the audience. He's getting better with that whip. Hardly takes any eyes out any more. -- K. And notice I did _not_ make fun of you for that. However, I shall now make fun of you for being afraid I would make fun of you, you fraidylemur. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Goat. Date: Mon, 23 May 2005 03:02:55 -0400 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: I Saw Star Wars III. May 22, 2005. > > Yes on Saturday May 22, 2005 at 12:15 PM, just after noon I saw > the latest version of Star Wars. I loved it and recommend that > everyone go see it. It was great and the kids and I chapped our > hands at the end of the movie. I generally don't like movies that peel my skin off. Also, the chaps go on your legs, not your hands. So are you a cowboy or a biker? -- K. The Village People need a Darth Vader. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: Re: Misuse of library. Date: Mon, 23 May 2005 07:28:26 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) found this article about a library masturbator: > > [www.dailynorthwestern.com] > -> > -> A 21-year-old man arrested Monday at University Library told > -> police he goes to there to get sexually aroused by female > -> students, University Police said. > -> > -> [...] > -> > -> UP arrested Gentles at about 2 p.m. Monday on a trespassing > -> charge, after a female Weinberg senior told police a man > -> stood 2 feet behind her in the library's first-floor > -> reference area pretending to speak on his cell phone, but > -> muttering "sexy feet" between sentences. Franky, I don't unsexy librarians understand what they're unsexy librarians complaining about unsexy librarians in this unsexy librarians article unsexy librarians. Excuse me, I gotta go take a cold shower. Again. > -> She told The Daily she immediately recalled that her roommate had > -> told her that on May 6 a man was masturbating near her on the fifth > -> floor of the library and chanting "sexy feet." The roommate, a > -> Medill senior, told The Daily she was sitting barefoot at the time. Maybe he was saying "smelly feet smelly feet smelly feet". So is this shoes-optional library also shirt-optional? > -> She said did not report the incident to police. Both students > -> refused to have their names printed. > -> > -> "After about 10 minutes (of hearing the man mutter), I realized I > -> wasn't playing games with myself," the Weinberg senior said. So, apparently, this is not suspicious: "SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET" <-- for 9 minutes But this is: "SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET" <-- for 10 minutes > -> Although she didn't see the man masturbating, she said she wouldn't > -> rule out the possibility because she heard heavy breathing and an > -> unzipping sound coming from the direction of the man. "Hark! I detect a highly directional unzipping noise!" How does she know it was an unzipping noise and not a zipping-up noise? Scientists everywhere say that zipper noises are invariant whether they are moving with or against the pull of gravity. Maybe the guy realized his fly had been open all day and was trying to zip up before she saw him because he's a prude, like people in libraries are supposed to be. I bet his lawyer will use that argument to help him get off in court. OKAY SO I STOLE HALF A SENTENCE FROM AN OLD PEE-WEE HERMAN JOKE! THAT'S NOT A CRIME! IT'S LIKE STEALING A LIBRARY BOOK NOBODY WANTS TO READ! > -> Gentles told police he was not masturbating at the time, but > -> admitted to doing so at the library on other occasions, > -> McAleer said. > > What a defence! Maybe those times were from seven point one years ago, before the Statute Of Limitations expired. So it's okay. The question is whether he's allowed to say "SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET" for nine minutes total during his life time, or nine minutes during each indiscretion. The librarians should be stopwatching the masturbator so they'll know whether they can stopwatching him. -- K. Oh jeez, Cookie Monster is on my TV and now he has dreadlocks. My childhood has just been retroactively ruined. COOKIE MONSTER SHOULD NOT HAVE FUNNY HAIR, JUST FUNNY EYES! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Introducing his opponent... Date: Mon, 23 May 2005 22:52:13 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.HAWHAWSPAMTRAP.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > > > > > Making his CEW debut, From very East Bronx, weighing in at less > > > than yo mama, Mocha Latte! > > > > And I was just about to suggest "Vanilla Mayo" or "Ritz Cracka". > > "Mocha Latte" sounds like what Halle Berry's character would have > been named if Melvin Van Peebles had written a Bond movie. > > By which I mean IT IS A NAME FOR A GURL. So he could spell it Mo Chalatte. What's so hard about that? Anyway, the Bond character's full name would be Lotta Mocha Latte. > > > The final decision was that the character would be more "over" as a > > > bwigger with an ambiguosly gay trait, > > > > "Virginia Slim". > > > > Besides, aren't all pro wrestlers already gay-vague? I mean, some of > > 'em still wear singlets! > > So, perfect, basically. I believe the phrase you want is "a little _too_ on-the-nose" if you want to get the point across with the proper je ne sais queer. Also, there's still the question of the proper "color story" for his couture. Apparently the word "palette" is outmoded. Now we have color stories. Eventually we may have the first color novel, or maybe the first color TV series. Did I spell "couture" right? (If not, don't actually tell me.) -- K. Anyway, Clans, you have a plenty better name than Bad Boy Batty Bat or Lex Dangler. I also note that the CEW roster (if I'm looking at the right page -- at least three different web sites claim to be the official CEW site, and all are very old) includes a wrestler named Seaman White, so you might want to advise the first three rows that they may get splattered when the Seaman hits the Mocha. Eww. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I'd hate to see their solution to the spam problem. Date: Tue, 24 May 2005 19:23:39 -0400 [www.expatica.com] -> -> Deliberate spelling mistakes on new ID cards -> -> BRUSSELS -- A new Belgian electronic identity card contains typos -> introduced deliberately to confound potential fraudsters, Belga -> reported on Tuesday. -> -> Three circular arcs beneath the identity photos contain the name -> of the country in its three official languages -- French, Dutch and -> German -- as well as in English. -> -> But instead of 'Belgien' in German, the ID cars incorrectly say -> 'Belgine' and instead of 'Belgium' in English, they say 'Belguim'. Then how do we know which is which? When can't "Belguim" be the German one and "Belgine" be the English one? Or maybe "Belguim" is Japanese and "Belgine" is Klingon? (Anyone who spots both the Japanese and Klingon errors will be arrested for being the world's biggest otaku and sent to nerd camp.) -> According to Luc Vanneste, of the government department in charge -> of issuing the cards, other errors will be printed on the card to -> further confound fraudsters. I'd like to remind everyone that the official currency of Kibonia has "THIS IS COUNTERFEIT" printed on it. Any counterfeiters who want their money to look "real" will change it to "THIS IS NOT COUNTERFEIT". Any money which says it's not counterfeit is, and vice versa. Also, be on the lookout for any news bulletins which say "THIS IS NOT A SCAM", "THIS IS A SCAM", or "THIS IS NOT NOT A SCAM". Everything they say is a lie. Unless it isn't, just because that's what they'll be expecting. ALL CITIZENS WILL EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED. IMPLEMENT OPERATION EPIMENEDES. -> A similar system has proved successful in the United States. All spelling errors everywhere within the United States are part of their master plan. Also, if you're an American and you've ever misspelled a word, the government owes you money for working on their behalf. Those who claim to have never misspelled a word will be executed for fibbing, according to the elevendy-threeth appendment to the Untied States Constipation, signed by Archie Bunker, Rocky, Fonzie, and Yogi Berra. Other countries should respect the USA's right to spell things however it wants to, or they'll be nukulated. -- K. Look for the gripping tale of international intrigue, Robert Ludlum's "The Epimenedes Paradox", in the Dumpster behind your local library. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'd hate to see their solution to the spam problem. Date: Tue, 24 May 2005 23:48:18 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> BRUSSELS -- A new Belgian electronic identity card contains typos > > -> introduced deliberately to confound potential fraudsters, Belga > > -> reported on Tuesday. > > I'm thinking that this is their PR covering up a genuine mistake. It's > quite clever on their part, to feign intentional misspellings. And the way they renamed "stinkwads" to "Brussels sprouts" just to fool us into thinking that the reason ours taste so bad is that they weren't grown in downtown Brussels like the real ones. Also, in addition to those blocky waffles that look like giant Lego bricks, they have those other flat fried licorice-flavored waffly things called "pizzles". I looked up "pizzle" in the dictionary and it doesn't mean anything nice. You know, I would like to make my own ravioli. I suppose I should look for a ravioli press that will stamp tiny letters "RAVOILI" around the edge to keep people from copying my recipe. -- K. Is it legal to use bacon instead of dough for sausage ravioli? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'd hate to see their solution to the spam problem. Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 18:26:05 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You know, I would like to make my own ravioli. > > > > I suppose I should look for a ravioli press that will stamp tiny letters > > "RAVOILI" around the edge to keep people from copying my recipe. > > PART I: VOYAGE TO RAVOILI Waah! You made an extremely obscure reference before I even finished shopping for canned ravioli I could cut open and cannibalize for parts to make my own ravioli because I can't afford one of those expensive three-dollar plastic ravioli presses! So you've made one thing and I haven't made any! Well, at least while I was lying in bed today I figured out a more efficient way to replace air with argon. However, I don't think that would make the ravioli taste any better. And now, a blastoma from the past: 1999's celebration of how hard it is to think like Manley Hubbell. /////////// RE-RUN BEGINS ////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Can YOU find Manley Hubbell in this stack of random squiggles? Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 00:03:39 GMT Attached are seven articles that Manley Hubbell posted to sci.geo.geology. They are all quoted in full. Except, some of the seven are fakes. Can you spot the fake Manley Hubbells? Hint: The fakes were brilliantly fabricated by Leah Verre and Louis Nick. (I couldn't possibly master the art of writing like Manley Hubbell.) And now, without further ado, after the special "^L" character which is supposed to make your computer ask you to press the space bar but will just make you think these articles have become garbled in transit, I present... SEVEN REAL AND/OR FAKE MANLEY HUBBELL ARTICLES! -- K. Article #1: //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Tuesday The Top Ten feeT & A Alvord A 6 ? 40 J ?Ob 4 Me TT, written in the Anthro pages, NOT in Geo as i guess it's to up close & personal. My favorit ref Archeology of Oregon C.M. Aikens -------------------------------------------------------------------- p227-8 Rogue, Coquille Marial, Applegate (Phases) p144 Windust, Cascade, Tucannon (phases) p190 Looney, Enola, Dolph, Quad, Calapooyna, Senecal, Champoeg, Winkle, Ingram, Horseshoe [Units] (Balster & Parsons 1968) ================================================================ depending on the page number of course the Top Twenty Five to 50 feet have as many names as there are pages/ probably more as each page contains several arangements of letter strings ::::::::::::::::::: i'm sticking to AaA for now though :::: Well Mg? I've finish my starting script for 2kEposodic in the first cut I gave it 400yr active 1600yr "QUIET" 400/2000 = 20% "A" bell shape 400yr curve in 20ea 20yr segments / ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ \ each 20 yr uplift averge 9 feet at the coast {?:= 1'/2yr} 4.5 feet inland valleys {1'/4yr} 2 feet in the cascade range (Mt St. Helens, Hood, Raineer) 1 FOOT at the Alvord ( ever 20 year {for 400 year} ) = 20 feet? ======================20'/400yr of 2000 yr cycle?=============== recreation from first attempt at cross corelation of ? `MAJOR' EPOSODIC "UPLIFTs" in the Pacific Northwest | beach | terris | Valley Plains alvord DATE | sands Twalitin Valley | Vancouver Lake elev ???? | sea 120 Jackson bottom | sea0 tide flats 4000 2000 | 150 200' north plains | 80? 4020 000 | 350 :::::::::::::::::? | 160' 4040 -2K | | 240' fourth plains 4080 -4-6? ? ///////////////////?//////////////////////////////// 750 300' Mill plains ============================================================= it seams very certain to me that these features seperate as they are, each document the same Eposodic Events (EE). Even thoght the dates given may be "OFF" by several orders still it remains my 1st guess of when in cronological order 2kEE took place :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::TT:::::::::::::::::::: Really theres not much doubt that here for the most part "The Top Ten Feet" are Clay, in fact the top 25 feet. And that that clay had bio origins seams clear to me. but its not at all clear that it was the same groups of FunGi that put the product in place. though i `poise that whomever was in charge did the deed at aproximatly the same rate of deposition, for most of the deposit. Because ? Assumption 1 said the rate of deposit aproaches some Average value And that that value does not add up the the amount already in deposit Something sure seams {{ um how should I say it }} to be missing? "MISSING" well thats my guess so there must be mini eposodics that take out much that does get lain down by the "FunGi" doono but i'm looking for the "CLAY" new numbers from Mg's posts. I can say that much with some confidence. :: :: this was a reposting of the 810 post :: :: from ::: down _____ine 60 3:41 A.M. PST from The "INNER" Solar System Article #2: //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Monday Search4_S... & Black Bird's B ? > 40 scale SUN 26LE55 990820 URA 14AQ21 (==< incomming from Uranus ? | :** : **: | == | *:"Leo" SUN Pisces :*cassio| http: | 12== [E] ==24 | //www | *:Virgo : Aquarius :* | .planets | :** : **: | .org ==================================or m31?=========================== Assume for .1 sec, that intelligance, was being sent from afar Lemme say from M31 (Andromeda) beyond a million light years away Such that contemporanious communication, useing electro/magnetic waves or light would be inpracticle. Thus Gravity Wave Modulation might be considered, unhampered by the speed limit inposed onlight. So the question arises, with me, Why are earthlings so bound up in the fundy allo trap as to be unable to provide even one functional "WEB" site, of conteperanious Gravity wave data, here on earth, much less on several points within the Solar System?/? ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: To me, in as much as the actual detector has been documented decades ago, still fundy's poor usless allocations into some mindless, just spend it, scheme, of Lazer light reflection's Boo, BOo, BOO. I say its wrong, wrong, WRONG.!. to continue with the current mind set. Give some ten year old kid the chance and we would have the information available on the web in less time than it takes Cassini to reach orbit. Who's responcible really. I hope she has Ps in her Pants. Yeah, so whats my excuse? Good question, I've fought with the simple input of audio into MY DOS for a long time. right now its the transition from Audio to 5V that gets me down. Whatever, the curse, at least i'm NOT on the Laser Light show scenario, and can tell you that YES indeedee the Suns getting active enought to produce output and 8645-7(7/24) 8674-5(8/20) were sparkling examples, where ever you can find that data. Disclamer? No I cannot 4sure say it was 47 74 as i've no know way to establish numbers to X-ray DATA but its close 4 sure, and a better 1st approximation than I see comming from elsewhere.

SUNs SPOT (ver 1 2 3)









??????????????????????????? so are we now getting the expected ..._ ..._ ..._ ._ . ~.~ about a month/dit dah about Christmass, on the 10.4 Year GW carrier? ______ LINE 50 in editor 5:01 A.M.PST from The "INNER" Solar System Article #3: //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Thursday Erge2erg & Greater Craters 0 ? 24 erg ?Cr 99-08-31 3804 Mon 30 Manley Hubbell S4 3805 A J Manley Hubbell your Web site ? 3932 All cmhall@umich.edu Re: The geology of 99-09-01 4363 All ajohnson@t-online.de Pyrite or =?iso-8859-1?Q? 4365 All mcdonald@ukonline.co Re: your Web site? - Ma 4377 All ajohnson@t-online.de Re: your Web site? - Ma 4398 All ajohnson@t-online.de Re: your Web site? - Ma 5330 All pyats@wt.net Re: Pyrite or not# 5570 All singtech@telestream. Re: Whose c sequential LIST here no deletions or additions {line lengths cut4} ------------------------------------------------------------------ theres a lot of truth to the ERGE2, but instead i'll try Narration. First i'll reLOOK at the Pyrite, at the lower right. A Scale would be of assistance if included on the margin beside this specimine sample. ==================================================================== I spend considerable time, at a computer store, run by an older hindo gentelman. And considering, the fact that i'm not allowed to set foot in the university, i consider it a high privledge. People of all nationalities come there, many not even speaking english. I refer to it as a "THREE Ring CIRCUS" here in Portland, Oregon; USA; N.A. ????? ANYWAY last week an older, German speaking gentlman came in, asking to buy a German keyboard for his computer. after a few minutes one was sold to him and he left. The next day, he returned saying the the german keyboard did NOT work, and got his money back. I did offer one comment about "code pages" & the Hindo translation of my comment was :" country.sys ":. I felt sad when the gentleman left, but to me watching the excange [ of monies ] from afar, there was not time to follow the story line to a logical conclusion. NOR could I put a copy of code pages into the discussion QUICKLY enough. Sorry sir. anyway2: Some of the discussion between the two was directed to the Y key which {i'm just guessing} was located next to the X key on the keyboard under discussion. such that Y X not Z X would be ajacent keys (Lower "LEFT") row of keys {other end from < > ?} ::::::::::::::::::::::::::: G C ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I do have a ZX81 (british) computer that I saved just as some might save other items. ON that keyboard [ 10 by 4 = 40 keys ] the lower copy clear cont left keys are [SHIFT] [Z :] [X ;] [C ?] . . . . . [Space] ln exp at ------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------- 99-08-12 accident while crater-hunting in Australia, became the first human to ---------- 99-08-11 interested in dune fields isolated within large impact craters ---------- 99-08-10 cratered surface ever observed. Previous encounters by the G ---------- 99-08-09 old craters one of the circles I swing on the globe does center the the rime remnet of that inpact crater. Never mind this argument th Why don't you tell us the names of the rifting zone and the impact and sealed locations. There is no need to invoke an extraterrestria _____LINE 57 12:22 A.M.PST from The "INNER" Solar System Article #4: //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Wednesday cALENDER aND nATURAL dISASTER -12- Hps>_log(m) |Subject: Re: Reunion question |Date: 08/02/99****************************************** | |The Piton de la Fournaise is basaltic shield volcano on |Reunion Island in the western Indian Ocean. |The volcanic island of Reunion is about 700 km (434 miles) east of Madagascar. |It is one of the most active volcanoes on Earth, with more than |100 eruptions in the last 300 years. |It was built on Piton des Neiges, an older extinct ----------------------------------------------------------------- Last month there was an Earth qauke in Turkey. Not to say that the connection between the calendar [any calendar of 12 months, American] will reflect for long the patter of disasters by nature. I have connected all naturel Disasters to small - order fourier Patterns in a 12 - month calendar. **It is hard enough** to record in the Calendar toll and other Data, and I am searching at this time for a source. on the Internet. But it is NOT a prospect. ???? Because The Internet was invented without regarding the Principle of completion!! I HAVE this data from UH Social Science ( LIKE ANOTHER SCIENCE ) Table shows months initials and by death toll of natural disasters. (Starting 1984) * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * ** * * * * * * * ** * * * * * ** * *** ***** **** ** *** * * * * * *** * MAMJJASONDJFMAMJJJASONDJFMAMJJASONDJFMAMJJASONDJFMAMJJASONDJF ( INCREASE IN GROUPS shown UPWARDS / highest set of deaths TOP ) Without repetition, I say that the series is generated as irrat- ional pattern of humps /\\/\//\///\\/\/\///\\\//\\//\\\/\ which form asorted minipatterns within a large framework. With a distributed node-list in cyberspace can generate a solution to forier (4EA) just as atoms will generate solutions to Boyle's gas law - in calculation by mechanical means og interaction. Resonent features of the Earth's crust and mantle can predict with this solution the same way??? ================================/\..? .../|\=================== Here is the next data set with ANNUAL Data but it has first Mean values /=-=-=-=-=-=-=\ ( column is Years - data from peaks ) 01 7615----------11036+11326 --> 02 900---1265+1338 03 959--1344+1418 04 1419-----2808+2865 05 3103--4359+4658 06 1153-----1645+| 07 1095-----1524+| 08 4648--------6254+6620 09 3862-----------5400+| 10 2960--------4680+| And NO UPPER LIMIT in 4 of 5 last years??? Because this momen- tary stability of natural causes is an interruption ( data - sensitive ) in the Pattern of Prediction. PoP@ I have seen that if a pattern is apparent ( of any Scale) to a person then Nature changes Pattern of Effect PoE@ <========= for single data set but whole data is constant +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Assumption 1: Collection of the data is conected directly to a natural episodic events DIRECTLY :: "METHOD" and collector of the data is consistent. And there is no where natural effects are controled. _____INE 74 1:04 A.M.PST from The "INNER" Solar System Article #5: //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Saturday Voyage to Gravolti. (-24) ?-6,-12,-18,-24,-40 __d3__ clock 3: Planets orbits the Sun // Planets Spin on axis YEAR ?/:/? day *********[ PREPOSED TABLE of metaPHYSICAL UNITS ]********* ^1.? ^2 VELO |-------erg0---^3-----| ? ^4 ? TIME LENGTH CITY FORCE {fudge}[e6] WORK POWER MASS {--default--} &Acc {factor} energy {default} us ?-16 _raff e-30 #construkt !plank fg(-15) ms ?-9 _felt e-24 #gravolti !graft ag(-12) ms ?-4 _rif e-18 #parton !part pg(-9) cs mm _sta 1.6 e-12 eVolt !surge ug(-6) ds mm mm/ds _lyte e -6 #bolt !merg mg(-3) s cm cm/s dyne 1 e 0 erg ! gram(UNIT) SEC METER M/S NEWTON 10 e 6 Joule WATT kg( 3) ?hr M _warm 3.6 e 12 kWhr !cty Mg( 6) ?11hr kM KM/Hr _blite 4.2 e 18 kTonn !boom Gg( 9) ?day ?+4 _shake e 24 #Rh.ictar !rattle (12) ?14 3/4d?+9 _wiew e 30 #Tp.actor !wtcht (15) ?yr ?+16 _sheen e 36 #Sf.un !flue2 (18) ??Myr ?+25 _puff e 42 #O___blartor !wowe (21) { _ preposed words for units of force for each scale level} { # preposed words for units of energy for each scale level} { ! preposed words for units of power for each scale level} -------------------------------------------------------------- it should be pointed out once again that one of the prime ideas of my voyage to smaller & smaller units of energy { MOVING UPWARDS IN THE above table = downwards in e levels } will be an assumption about the concept of Time dialation or constriction. Such that as MASS, POWER, ENERGY, FORCE, ACCELERATION/VELOCITY, & DISTANCE. become smaller & smaller the interval of the time units itself becomes effected. At this level ( erg*E-6 ) in most instances, the default time unit interval ds (DecaSecond) {.1 sec} amounts to 1/10 the default unit of time of the next higher(LOWER) LEVEL erg*e0, and very little interval streching, compression takes noticable place, and few if any additional or removed DS's are added or deleted to keep the miligram comprehensible. In the above the "STEP" used as a standard was applied to the Energy column's and 1,000,000 times was the Step chosen. within the metaphysical Tables of course other columns other than the central (energy) column could be focused upon, for example the default unit of mass could be used. at these default demension currenty thought by me to be the decasecond and mm would supposedly be the milligram. Alass the table itself, clearlys not engraver upon go;d tablets, or even in concrete. As soon as the big step into another realm of deminsion's would be taken ( see below ) __d4__ clock 2: electrons orbit proton // electrons spin ***[ PREPOSED TABLE of quantmPHYSICAL UNITS ]******** ns Angstrom of course things really start to distort, so much so that even the structure of the TABLE itself goes " missing " AND I would add in my scheme of things 5 seperate and distinct ?" CLOCKs "? or dimensions exist beginning with __d1__ clock 5: thru__d3__ clock 3: to__d5__ clock 1: with D3.clock3 defigning the current table ----WELL ENUOGH BS and moving on twards gravolti (erg*E-24) the moon orbits earth ( in a varying time period ) with some average interval, perhaps between 29 and 30, and may become 30 exactly at some unknown time in the fyture (maybeNOT2 ____LINE 60 7:42 A.M. PST from The "INNER" Solar System Article #6: //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// `HUB'pub#JD=2451425.SFR for Lunar phaze prior to 09-03-1999 <--------- O25 -- Lull+ --- Trigger -><- CA WEEKLY -summery-> 09-03-1999 O= 5 LUL+= 13 T= 6 Ca Q# = 47.3 BIG1 3.1 08-27-1999 O= 0 LUL+= 6 T= -1 08-13-1999 O= 5 LUL+= 21 T= 14 ^----^ 25daySF ^ LULL@1st.1/4 ^ ^ CaWkQ# SUM &BIG1 ^ 980829 SF plot shift L13, 702=0, 990722 R? 990220 gain= SF/4, 990702 SF/5, 990722 SF/7 JUNE99 REALIGNMENT of the columns: 1Dt 2## 3Sf 4Ca 5L: 6Eq <- -> SF site = gopher://solar.sec.noaa.gov/00/latest/DSD (. .) http://quake.wr.usgs.gov/QUAKES/WEEKREPS/weekly.html [ ] EQ site = http://www.iris.washington.edu/SPYDER/ spyderdata/data1998/catalog1999.2 28 # 8651?- 198 4 FM 04:25 - 1 5.9 5 29 # 202 ? ' : 30 # 206 14 | ' : 31 # 201 10 | 8 : 01 # 86xx. 216 7 . | 6 6 =33 02 # 213 1 . 5 03 # 211 11 8 1 04 # 200 0 6 LQ 10:27 ' 05 # 177 7 06 # 170 11 07 # 153 12 08 # 138 19 | 09# 138 4 | 10# 127 2 11# 128 8 NM 04:08 12 123 4 1 5.9 13 127 0 14 128 2 | 1 6.4 15 131 11 | 16 131 6 | 17 141 24 1 7.8 18 131 11 FQ 18:47 19 # NUM 135 X-RAY 2 < Lull? 20 # 8673-4? > 152 <20.5M4 7 \ >>>>> 3 17.7 21 # 161 13 22 # 173 11 | 2 12.8 23 # 188 5 | 24 # 202 11 | 25 # 208 15 26 # 222 2 FM 16:48 ?> 5 27 27 # 223 9 28 # 8681?> 248 4 | 3 17.1 29 # 218 2 | 1 6 30 # 198 4 | 31 # 183 11 01 # 163 11 September 3, 1999 Notes for the 1st time in a long long while the 25daySF 4cast# seams to have resyncronized reasonably well? cooralations between ?>'s are very IFFY at best if exists at ALL It would however seam that the anomoulas 5 forA 27 total of 826 would suggest a GW in the inner solar system @ EARTH on that day? POSSIBLY????? a SLOW(2day) inbound which became 8681 trigger@SUN of course here cross cooralations of Gravity Wave Data for other planets in this solar system could indicate some direction, IF only the data DID already EXIST somewhere. OR ?? a fast outbound from 8673-4 { 6 days vs current guess of 9 DAYS } BUT MOST CERTAINLY [ 2me ] Anomoulas & their4 of ISS.GW origin! Ca weekly SUM & big one {recently missing} has returned! yeahhhh.. _________ LINE 62 2:33 A.M. PST from The "INNER" Solar System Article #7: //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Tuesday Voyage Lunar (?) 6.5 B. Ovius 12 ? 41 19. I Leo = ? 1.43 Libra * = sun - Assume I Realignment (?) = moon - Given ================== Or . ? =================== as It was originally reported in (alph. 1 4.) I have reLOOKed delphi! Lemme assume innar = solar. Thus i have determind @<<<<<< =>>>>>>@intelligance to be ))))))))))))))))))) (((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))post alligned but dependant on order 2kEE (??) to be disposed. given it is @@@@@@@@@@@@@ a trademark utilization, the first three layers (reposted JUNE99 ))))))))))))))))))) (((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))) REALIGNMENT of the columns: [ IIIIII ]1Dt 2## 3Sf 4Ca 5L: 6Eq). But what is my intention? Ah! To much as the actual distorter has been set & *)))))))))))))) **& <--------- 1./65 aside, it is in fact a given assumption! (?p) Look thus: September 96 notes review internal thoughts with histogram. it is this plan that is responcible for loose soils. ? @@@<<<<<<<<<<< )))))((())I @ >>>>>>>>>@@@ I would add to this assumption three distinct (curious!) places or * intromolicules * in this direction: __6(?)__ assume 5: thru__17__ given 4: to__17__ reveal = 1: ~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ %&* ~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ !!! %%% with 6/5 defigning the current address. SO: Possibility??????? Read ! :&&&&&&&&&&&& *********************************************============================* *************************************************** @)2)@0)) so as MOON reorbits earth ( in confines ) with come average histogrammatical interval, perhaps between 14 **^^**>>>! and .000000 6, and may fyture cause ASSUME!!! again, see the pattern imerges. ! Why don't you tell us why becaus b4 it was a GIVEN!!!!!! finished thought prosess and wiating for Ovius and eposodics. I can say that much with some confidence. ~.~~.~~.~~.~~.~~.~ ..._ ..._ ..._ ._ . ? ______ LINE 600 in editor 5:01 A.M.PST from The "INNER" Solar System /////////// RE-RUN ENDS //////////////////////////////////////////// -- K. I miss the days when there were entertaining kooks instead of just ones even more annoying than me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'd hate to see their solution to the spam problem. Date: Tue, 24 May 2005 23:31:28 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> But instead of 'Belgien' in German, the ID cars incorrectly say > > -> 'Belgine' and instead of 'Belgium' in English, they say 'Belguim'. > > I can see it now, a movement of German shopkeepers and bankers refusing > to accept this ID card, admonishing its holders that, if their government > can't be trusted to spell the name of its own country correctly, it can't > be trusted to identify its citizens correctly, either, and they'll just > have to go get proper German ID cards if they want to prove who they are. It's not about Belgium. Germans just want everyone in the world to have proper German ID cards. And by "ID cards" I mean "tattoos". And by "tattoos" I mean "tattoos of David Hasselhoff". And by "tattoos of David Hasselhoff" I mean "Germans want all speed limits everywhere in the world the lowered to 10kph except on the Autobahn all the Germans can laugh at the rest of us." By which I mean "ID cards". By which I mean "Belgian waffles ain't real waffles 'cause they won't fit in my toaster." By which I mean "Wow, Eggo waffles sure do taste even worse than regular frozen cardboard." And by "frozen cardboard" I mean "the northern half of Germany." Why do you keep changing the subject? Give me back the remote control you darn kids. -- K. I wish I had a nuclear weapon like the ones Germany has. And by "Germany" I mean "David Hasselhoff" and by "a nuclear weapon" I mean "hair". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My ladder of hate Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 02:34:54 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > My killfile performs a valuable service of preventing me from actually > wanting to severely injure those people who annoy me. Then there's something wrong with you. You should be killfiling people so that you can ignore them while still wanting to severely injure them. Because it's fun to fantasize about injuring people who no longer exist in your world. After all, it's not okay to injure actual people, but once you unperson them with that magic control-K button, then you can have hours of fun trying to decide in which order they should lose each of their fingernails to which Sears Craftsman tool. It's too bad Sears doesn't sell electrical torture machines any more. Now they just have clerks who mentally torture you with their stupidity rays. YOU: I would like to buy a pair of pliers. THEM: Here you go. They're $9.95 each, so that'll be at least twenty dollars for two. YOU: No, a pair of pliers is one. THEM: Oh, geez, we can't split up a set. YOU: Forget the pliers... THEM: Forget the what? Duh. YOU: I'll just take a screwdriver. THEM: Sorry, but this is the tool department. YOU: Then, can you give me a hammer? THEM: Not until my lunch hour. And I'm not really sure I know how. Do I have to blow into it? YOU: I think that was an old Chevy Chase joke. THEM: Who's she? YOU: Never mind. Do you have a drill press? THEM: The women's wear department is upstairs. They have lots of drilly sunpresses ubstairf. YOU: This isn't even making sense any more. THEM: Welcome to Sears, loser. Ha ha, you're a loser who shops at Sears! YOU: Screw this, I'm going to K-Mart. THEM: Due to our recent near-bankruptcy, where we were in slightly less terrible financial shape than K-Mart, Sears is now part of the K-Mart corporation. (A SIGN DROPS FROM THE CEILING SAYING "THIS IS NOW A K-MART". EVERYTHING FALLS OFF THE SHELVES ONTO THE FLOOR, AND ALL THE PRICE TAGS DISAPPEAR. A GIANT ROLLING STONE BALL PAINTED TO LOOK LIKE MARTHA STEWART'S HEAD ROLLS IN, CRUSHING EVERYONE.) GIANT RAT: Hey kids! Come visit me next door at Chuck E. Cheese! ANNOUNCER (voice-over): This fact-based drama about how Sears is worse than Chuck E. Cheese was sponsored by Chuck E. Cheese. (FADE OUT.) What were you saying? Oh, yeah, killfile. If you don't like imagining committing violence against people who bore you, you shouldn't use a killfile. Instead, you should put all the other people into a nicefile and cuddle them and wuv them. And you should send them all chain letters because that's how you Pay It Forward. Also, Patch Adams should be involved, dressed as a giant rat, and he should teach you how to wuv by rolling around in a vat of cheez while he kills people by practicing medicine without a license. It'll warm your cockles and kick your heart in the ass all at the same time. Anyone who watches either "Pay It Forward" or "Patch Adams" automatically becomes a good person and goes to Heaven, but note that suicides are disqualified, so don't blow your brain out during the movies even though they're really, really terrible. They make Sears look like Chuck E. Cheese. By the way, you got cheez all over your killfile. -- K. Now put on the rat suit and dance for the kids until they stop throwing stuff at you! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Don't forget to buy your official Constitution Day cards from Hallmark Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 08:14:26 -0400 [www.msnbc.msn.com] -> -> Schools ordered to observe 'Constitution Day' -> -> Feds set aside Sept. 17 for mandatory lessons on document -> -> The Associated Press -> -> WASHINGTON - The Constitution long has ensured that Congress can't -> tell schools what to teach. But that's no longer the case for at -> least one topic -- the Constitution itself. -> -> The Education Department outlined Tuesday how it plans to enforce -> a little-known provision that Congress passed in 2004: Every school -> and college that receives federal money must teach about the -> Constitution on Sept. 17, the day the document was adopted in 1787. YOU WILL OBSERVE "CONSTITUTION DAY" TO CELEBRATE HOW THE CONSTITUTION GRANTS YOU THE FREEDOM TO DO WHAT YOU WANT, OR YOU WILL BE SHOT. THE OTHER 364 DAYS TEACHERS WILL HAVE EVEN LESS FREEDOM TO CHOOSE WHAT TO TEACH AND HOW TO TEACH IT, TO MAKE THEM BETTER APPRECIATE THE FREEDOM OF BEING FORCED TO TEACH "CONSTITUTION DAY". THIS IS IN ALL CAPITALS BECAUSE IT IS COMING OUT OF A LOUDSPEAKER IMPLANTED IN BEDROOM CEILING. -> Schools can determine what kind of educational program they want, -> but they must hold one every year on the now-named "Constitution -> Day and Citizenship Day." And if Sept. 17 falls on a weekend or -> holiday, schools must schedule a program immediately before or -> after that date. What if Sept. 17 is during a year when the Constitution has been suspended because someone in the government thinks there might be a terrorist attack somewhere in the world during the next twenty years? -> Historically, the federal government has avoided dictating what or -> when anything must be taught because those powers rest with the -> states under the 10th Amendment. The Education Department's Web -> site even underlines that point, saying matters such as the -> development of curricula and the setting of course requirements -> fall outside federal authority. The irony of the government unconstitutionally forcing people to celebrate the Constitution isn't just delicious, it's delicious in giant faggy John Hancock cursive. -> [...] -> -> Yet some education groups say Congress has no business dictating -> what schools and universities must do on a certain day. -> -> Some decry 'federal micromanagement' -> -> In middle school or high school, for example, schools may have -> to interrupt lesson plans, said Dan Fuller, director of federal -> programs for the National School Boards Association. -> -> "You may have to leap from the Civil War or Vietnam to the -> Constitution," Fuller said. "Local schools cover the Constitution, -> and they've been doing it for a long time. We don't need the -> federal micromanagement. Congress has been acting more like a -> school board." Yeah, except when a regular school board makes a rule about "detention", it doesn't usually involve a one-way ticket to Guantanamo. -> In higher education, "It's the sort of thing that raises the -> question, 'If this, what's next?"' said Becky Timmons, senior -> director for government relations at the American Council on -> Education, the leading lobbying group for colleges and -> universities. I think we should wait to ask that question until Slippery Slope Day. That's the day when all voice-and-articulation classes are required to change from "slippery sleds slide smoothly down the sluiceway" to "the tangent of a slippery slope is rise over run, and if you don't get a rise out of celebrating Constitution Day, you better run!" You know, July 4th is good enough for me. It's a day when people celebrate the formation of this country, and it's a day which people enjoy celebrating because they don't have to. If someone put a gun to people's heads and ordered them to celebrate July 4th, that would take all the fun out of it for everyone except the person holding the gun. This is why Constitution Day is already ruined even before Hallmark has a chance to do so. -> "If the justification is that the Constitution is so central to our -> democracy, couldn't somebody else come along and say, 'Well, I -> think the history of American architecture is quite important,"' -> she said. "I don't think most folks on campus perceive this to be -> an enormous slippery slope, but it's never good when the government -> tells them what to teach." Well, I think _I_ am very important. All teachers will now be required to observe National Everybody Loves Kibo Day or be subject to immediate disintegration with my Anti-Make-Up-Your-Own-Mind Ray. -> Honor system -> -> Timmons added, however, she was pleased that the Education Department -> seemed to favor an honor system of compliance rather than a -> "nightmarish" plan of site visits or required documentation. The key word there seems to be "seems", which is one of those words people use when they have to say something they know isn't true. Like how when Zork says "The room seems to be empty" when it means that the room is definitely not empty. I wonder what sort of uniforms the Education Department's Roving Constitution Day Enforcement Patrols will wear when they swoop across the country, travelling from school to school to ensure that all the teachers are observing Constitution Day, as well as the following day, Gee Those Enforcement Goons Sure Had Nice Uniforms Day. (It kicks off National Garrison Belt Week.) -> [...] -> -> Department spokeswoman Susan Aspey said "there are enforcement -> options" that may apply but said it is too early to speculate on -> what happens if schools don't follow the law. -> -> "We expect institutions to comply," Aspey said. I am now imagining the Department Of Education is run by someone with a monocle on one side and an eye patch on the other, holding a cigarette in a long holder, saying "Ve expect inztitutions to comply -- MEIN FUERHER, I CAN VALK!!!" Sorry, I've seen "Doctor Strangelove" too many times. Fortunately, the entire genre of cutting satire has been eliminated by the movie industry, so future generations will not grow up with their brains getting poked and jostled and corrupted by anything more "satirical" than "Shrek". It's kind of depressing to think that the heaviest political satire in movies lately has been "Star Wars". Probably means we're due for another remake of "To Be Or Not To Be", except with all references to "Nazis" and "Jews" and "concentration camps" changed to "kitties" and "puppies" and "sugar-free cotton candy" so as not to offend anyone. DAMMIT PEOPLE SHOULD BE OFFENDED BY EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME! -> The department's guidelines direct schools to Web sites for -> information, including the one run by the National Archives. -> -> The federal law championed by Byrd also affects all federal -> agencies. They will have to train new employees about the -> Constitution during orientation and train all employees about the -> document every Sept. 17. The Office of Personnel Management is -> expected to post guidelines in those areas soon. Well, these new September 17 rules are going to make Elvira's birthday parties a lot less fun. Other famous September 17 birthdays are Roddy McDowall and Ken Kesey. It's also the day in 1859 that Emperor Norton declared himself Emperor Of The United States, and as far as I know Congress never declared "no you don't" on him which means he's still in charge, so Congress better get his permission before trying to take power back. -> (c) 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material -> may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. That sentence badly needs rewriting. Here: (c) 2005 The Associated Press, a wholly owned subsidiary of James "Kibo" Parry. All rights reserved. The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people. That means that because the Constitution does not say that the Federal Government has X-ray vision, therefore the people are granted X-ray vision, along with bionic legs and the ability to make fish do their bidding. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed unless this sentence is altered. -- K. I would sign this in big swirly 18th-century letters, but I won't, to protest the fact that the only occurrences of the phrase "calligraphy fetishism" on the Web are copies of the Wikipedia stub page that's waiting for someone to write an authoritative article on this fetish that's so made-up that not even anyone on the Internet has it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Don't forget to buy your official Constitution Day cards from Hallmark Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 18:13:19 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Schools ordered to observe 'Constitution Day' > > -> > > -> Feds set aside Sept. 17 for mandatory lessons on document > > Yay! Schools have to honor my wedding anniversary! We had a civil > ceremony just after the flag-raising ceremony for the VERY!FIRST! > Constitution Day, in 1987. Is it just because I live in Massachusetts, or does anyone else automatically think "musta been a same-gender wedding, yay!" whenever they hear someone say "we had a civil ceremony"? > Actually, it wasn't all that civil, as I wasn't allowed to leave > my wife's four teenage kids in Arkansas - they caught up to us > before we reached the Texas state line. The kids, or the civil authorities? With a little embellishment, you could have the story end with the two of you getting married while you're both in jail in some prison where the men's wing is in Arkansas and the women's wing is in Texas and the only way the two of you can communicate is through duelin' banjos. What tune communicates the recipe for making wine from fermented orange juice in a toilet tank? -- K. I've only been in Texas for about two hours (Dallas / Fort Worth airport layover) and I'd really like to see more of Texas, especially because I would have no trouble conversing with Boomhauer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Don't forget to buy your official Constitution Day cards from Hallmark Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 18:05:16 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Historically, the federal government has avoided dictating what or > > -> when anything must be taught because those powers rest with the > > -> states under the 10th Amendment. The Education Department's Web > > -> site even underlines that point, saying matters such as the > > -> development of curricula and the setting of course requirements > > -> fall outside federal authority. > > > > The irony of the government unconstitutionally forcing people to > > celebrate the Constitution isn't just delicious, it's delicious > > in giant faggy John Hancock cursive. > > [...] > > Also, on September 18 teachers have the option of talking about > Dexterity or Charisma. Please, all real nerds know that those "Dungeons & Dragons" character attributes are pronounced "Con", "Dex", and "Cha" so that players can save time when telling their statistics to monsters during the battles. "Now class, remember that last week we discussed the Civil War, which was from 18/61 to 18/65. Now we're going to talk about World War I, which began in 18/**..." Yes, I know I got my NetHack in your D&D. My personal favorite NetHack item is the pair of Gauntlets Of Power, because instead of just raising my strength from 18/04 to 18/05 or whatever (I play as a Barbarian, 'cause I like carrying around lots of stuff) the Gauntlets Of Power skip all that eighteen-and-a- fraction-which-approaches-a-limit-of-nineteen nonsense and just give you a Str of 25. I haven't looked in the source code to see whether "25" is actually any better than "18/**", but still I like seeing that little "25" down there at the bottom of my NetHack screen in my unique, private NetHack font with hanging digits -- a font which looks far manlier than anything John Hancock would have played NetHack with. > > -> [...] Congress has been acting more like a school board." > > > > Yeah, except when a regular school board makes a rule about "detention", > > it doesn't usually involve a one-way ticket to Guantanamo. > > You and all of Animal House are now on Double Secret > Extraordinary Rendition. Eh, so what, it won't stop me from riding my motorcycle up the stairs and playing "The William Tell Overture" at double speed by pounding on my Adam's Apple just like Wendy Carlos did in "A Clockwork Orange". Then John Vernon will yell at me for having a toga party and blowing away lots of damn punks in San Francisco with a .45, or whatever he did in "Dirty Harry", I don't really know, I've only seen the parodies in "Sledge Hammer!" Finally, I'll fire my .45 directly into the center of the lens of the TV camera, causing the very stupidest viewers to think they've just been killed, but the network censors won't let me do that and so they'll change the title sequence to me blowing a hole just slightly to the left of the center of your screen to make sure you know you're not really dead. > > -> In higher education, "It's the sort of thing that raises the > > -> question, 'If this, what's next?"' said Becky Timmons, senior > > -> director for government relations at the American Council on > > -> Education, the leading lobbying group for colleges and > > -> universities. > > > > I think we should wait to ask that question until Slippery Slope Day. > > That's the day when all voice-and-articulation classes are required > > to change from "slippery sleds slide smoothly down the sluiceway" > > to "the tangent of a slippery slope is rise over run, and if you > > don't get a rise out of celebrating Constitution Day, you better run!" > > What I worry about is when people explicitly present their slippery > slope arguments as such. Because if people start accepting that > fallacy as legitimate reasoning, what's next? The legitimacy of > the argumentum ad hominem? You stupid jackass? Hey, it's a legitimate argument if you're arguing against a stupid jackass. > > (It kicks off National Garrison Belt Week.) > > "Pastor Ingvist told me he saw you out in the wheat field > and you were not drinking, Sven. Get me my belt." I don't get it, unless it's a reference to some "South Park" episode too recent for me to have seen on DVD where Mr. Garrison is revealed to be into whipping, thus shocking anyone who hasn't seen the previous hundred episodes. I can't watch new episodes because they took my Comedy Central away, probably to keep me from seeing Jon Stewart -- his show does a more thoughtful analysis of news and politics than the "real" newscasts, so obviously he's dangerous. We're only allowed to get our "satire" from Jay Leno and "Saturday Night Live" -- "The president is STUPID and CAN'T SPELL!" -- because that just makes people feel warm and fuzzy about how easy it is to get the only jokes they ever hear. But Comedy Central, oh no, between "South Park" and "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" they might cause some people to become unhinged to the point that they might register to vote as "Independent", which is just wrong, because everybody learns in school that we have a two-party system. -- K. Instead of Con, Dex, and Cha, Nick At Nite proposes Fonz, Pots, and Cha. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Don't forget to buy your official Constitution Day cards from Hallmark Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 19:26:46 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > (It kicks off National Garrison Belt Week.) > > > > > > "Pastor Ingvist told me he saw you out in the wheat field > > > and you were not drinking, Sven. Get me my belt." > > > > I don't get it, unless it's a reference to some "South Park" episode [...] > > The News from Lake Wobegon (sponsored by Hercules Cleaning > Crystals and the National Duct Tape Council), as reported by > Garrison Keillor. Oh, that explains why I haven't even tried to attempt to want to enjoy that reference, because Garrison Keillor's radio show is too uninteresting, even for National Public Radio. I like my garrison belts with pyramid studs, though I'm told that technically studded belts are illegal in Boston -- one of those laws that the cops never actually enforce because they have 58,000 better things to worry about. Besides, studded belts can't actually be deadly, because if they were, cops would wear them. Besides, there are people who get studs or spikes implanted in their skin these days. What can they do if a part of your body is illegal? -- K. What if someone gets a tattoo that says "FUCK", or "KILL THE PRESIDENT"? And would the tattooist be prosecuted? (I need to know in case certain opportunities ever arise.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More wording of job postings Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 18:56:00 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Yes, I have expanded my job-hunting horizons to look for Technical > Writing work again (hey, some of us enjoy it...), as well as > Programming work. In pursuit of that effort, I find this in a job > posting [sic]: > > -> Incumbant will be responsable for correct and accurite documentions > > And that was just the worse of about a half dozen... Don't these > people have spell-checkers? "documentions"? I like that. It's an accidental Carrollian portmanteau. Or as they'd spell it, an aggzidontel Karoline blerduflerp. My theory is that they're just testing you to see whether you will storm into the office and correct their spelling _before_ asking what the job pays. Or maybe they're just trying to be pathetic so that you will take the job out of charity to them and not care that the pay is low. Like how kids in old movies deliberately spell "LEMONADE 5c" with a backwards "S". I want one of those dogs with a circle around one eye. And a thousand dollars' worth of lemonade. And a technical writing job. I'm still available, if anyone's hiring. After all, this _is_ one of the several vague things my Emerson college degree is supposedly good for ("Writing, Literature, and Publishing: Professional Writing Division".) I'll documention you up real good! -- K. "Next, insert the plug into the wall socket, being careful not to use this equipment if you really are so clueless as to need instructions in how to put a plug into a socket. By continuing to read this, you agree that you haven't killed yourself." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: SAD! FOR! ROB! Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 19:01:55 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Beware woman who grab you by the balls - or peanus - they > > don't always let go. > > Words to live by. Home-Ec classes should teach the difference > between fondle and grab. I thought kids were supposed to learn about this in gym glass, when they got around to learning the different rugby holds, such as Australia's beloved "squirrel grip" (a handful of nuts.) -- K. My school didn't make boys take Home Ec, and I'm glad, because I found shop class to be an equally useful set of skills, but not as easy to learn on my own (cooking is easy to learn by experimenting and reading a cookbook. Spot-welding, that you want a qualified instructor for, or at least a shop teacher.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: a cool new kind of library crime Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 21:34:03 -0400 [www.channelcincinnati.com] -> -> Lender Sells Library Books At Flea Markets, Police Charge -> -> Tri-State Libraries Lost Nearly $20,000 Worth Of Goods, Police Say -> -> FLORENCE, Ky. -- A man accused of borrowing nearly $20,000 worth of -> books, CDs and DVDs from Tri-state libraries and selling them to -> flea markets has been arrested, police said. That's a clever scam. And he probably coulda gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids, especially Encyclopedia Brown. Or if he'd only done it once. I like any crime where you can get away with it if you only do it once. Those are the crimes that are inherently baffling and random. Plus, this particular type of crime encourages people to read. So it's actually good for society. It's a victimless crime, as the library doesn't count because those books would just have gotten peed on anyway. -> The Boone County Sheriff's Office said it arrested Robert White, -> 29, after he allegedly borrowed more than $600 worth of materials -> from the Boone County Public Library and sold them at the Richwood -> Flea Market in Walton, Ky., and Peddlers Mall in Cincinnati. -> -> White was charged with theft by failure to make required -> disposition, the sheriff's office said. "Theft by failure to make required disposition" is a nice phrase which is long enough that, during the time it takes the librarian to say it, makes your books another five cents overdue. -> Detective Carl Dover said White also sold material from libraries -> in Hamilton and Perry counties in Ohio and Kenton, Campbell, -> Pendleton, Jessamine, Madison, Scott, Woodford, Franklin, and -> Fayette counties in Kentucky. -> -> White used his real name when applying for a library card but -> provided a fictitious address, Dover said. Hey, if the library gives out fiction, they should be able to take a little fiction. So, this master criminal's mistake was not realizing that the police could look him up in the phone book? Advice people people who want to try this at home: Don't give them your real name, and don't keep doing it until the police start patrolling flea markets looking for library books. Oh, and also, do it in a place where there are more interesting crimes for the cops to deal with. I bet in downtown Los Angeles the cops wouldn't care if you stole the whole library, unless you killed at least ten people in the process. (Twenty if they're homeless.) The other thing to do would be to just fill your gym bag with books and DVDs after you've lined it with foil to keep out the metal-detection rays (this works because aluminum isn't a metal, it's a foil.) Then just waltz right through the security arch on your way out and they'll have no way of catching you, unless they have a security camera, in which case, remember to wear your Groucho glasses to the library to make your face look less distinctive. (Remember to take them off afterwards.) -- K. Flea market vendors are all either fencing stolen property, or creepy perverts who enjoy watching strangers handle comic books. "OOOOOO, SHE'S TOUCHING MY BAGGIE!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: a cool new kind of library crime Date: Thu, 26 May 2005 18:34:33 -0400 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > And here I thought the one librarian was being silly when she, in the > course of our conversation, made sure I wasn't selling the library > books at my flea market booth. If you were clever, you would have taken all the library's stickers off the books, and then she'd have to buy them all and take them back to her Librarian Crimelab to test them for library paste residue. And in the meantime, you could use the fifteen dollars profit to make your getaway to Mexico. > P.S. It's not like novels actually SELL at my booth, my customers are > all stupid heads. That goes without saying -- look who they're buying from. They've got a whole flea market full of gay stereotypes to choose from, and yet the stupidest customers still find you... -- K. Maybe you're not blending in with the other vendors well enough. Try acting more like them -- gay it down a notch, and lose the ruffly pirate shirt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Black plastic cases. Date: Thu, 26 May 2005 18:37:33 -0400 Nicholas O. Lindan (see@sig.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > While we're on the subject of death rays, what's the difference > > between your fancy "photonics" and puny Earth "optics"? > > About $200/hour. So what makes photonicians earn so much less than opticians? Is it just because you didn't go to eye doctor school? -- K. Me, I'm a plasma physicist. I must be, otherwise why would I dare put my tongue on all the glowing tubes at the Museum Of Science? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mouse! The amazing conclusion. Date: Thu, 26 May 2005 18:45:03 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > One of the traps got the mouse. O gross. Wow, that took a while. Must be a smart mouse. Either that or you mistakenly baited your traps with something mice hate to eat, in which case, please disclose this amazing new discovery of "something mice hate to eat". Better leave all the other traps set, because you know that where there's one mouse, there's always dozens more. Remember that a mouse can have a litter of ten every two weeks, and you've had this mouse living there for how long? -- K. How do you know you got the right mouse and not an innocent bysqueaker? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Contacted by a TV show producer Date: Thu, 26 May 2005 21:11:13 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I was contacted last night by a TV show producer, he is looking for people > to feature in a comedy show (mainly stand up) that is going to be produced > for Community Television (Channel 31) in Melbourne, Austria. > > He asked me if I knew anyone that was suitable or could do something myself > for the show. Do it! If I were you, I'd go and just do a joke about how the channel number is higher than the number of viewers, over and over, until they dragged you out of the studio screaming. All the other acts would be happy to have you go first, too, because every comedian loves it when the guy right before them bombs. Make it very easy for them to seem good by comparison. Also, you should challenge all the women in the studio to wrestle. > Send me an email if you want to be involved and I will pass your name on. Send me the plane tickets and I'll do it. They don't have to be first class, they can just be economy class plus the cash equivalent of the difference. Also, I will need a hotel room in my limo and vice versa, plus immunity from all prosecution. -- K. Anyway, what we really want to know is: What color was his casting couch? Hmm, since it's Community Television Channel 31, it's more likely something smaller and cheaper, like a casting hemorrhoid doughnut. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Contacted by a TV show producer Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 07:03:31 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > C Mason (luser@example.net) wrote: > > > > Timmy, don't get too excited too early, but I think you are about to > > make it to the big time. So long Gra Gra, Look out Rove MacManus - the > > new king of Austrian television is here1! I don't know who Rove MacManus is, unless it's not a name but a sentence said by Scooby-Doo upon becoming romantically obsessed with the dead Goth guy in the 374th gayest episode of "Lexx". > > Better get cracking on your act, if you'll pardon the expression. > > I've got an idea about it already. > > I could ask Kibo to write it for me for a 10/90 split. (you can probably > guess who gets the 90 part.) I'll let you have a little more than 10% if I can actually see you do the split. Is this channel widescreen so we could see both of your feet at the same time? I wouldn't want you to cheat and just do enough of a split to fill up a 4x3 screen, I demand a 16x9 split, with real pelvis-snapping action. "Hey kids, make a wish!" *BANG* "Ow, my pelvis is over there... and over there!" Also I think you should dress up as the black version of Vanilla Ice. No, wait, someone else already took my insane advice about that. Hmm, does this channel allow nudity? Also, does it count as nudity if you're wearing a hat? Here's an idea: You could film your entire show with a tiny camcorder strapped to the tip of a spinning helicopter blade. You'd just have to time your jokes carefully to synchronize with the camera whizzing by several times a second. But it would give you an incentive to tell several jokes per second. And instead of performing, could you just produce a new season of "Lexx"? Try not to make it so gay this time. It got way too gay for me. Tone it down to the level of the 1980 "Flash Gordon" movie. -- K. Does Australia even have 16x9 TVs, or do they have something really primitive like the 1x1 TV from the original "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Contacted by a TV show producer Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 21:00:17 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hmm, does this channel allow nudity? Also, does it count as nudity > > if you're wearing a hat? > > You damn betcha it does. That's how p0rn movies get their power. You're more > nude with an appropriate hat on than without one. Doubly so for socks. Also, otherwise I wouldn't be able to tell the Village People apart. They weren't a hair band, they were a hat band. > > Here's an idea: You could film your entire show with a tiny camcorder > > strapped to the tip of a spinning helicopter blade. You'd just have > > to time your jokes carefully to synchronize with the camera whizzing > > by several times a second. But it would give you an incentive to > > tell several jokes per second. > > For extra effect, combine it with the above and have the blade be on > a beanie! Now that's just weird. Especially if the nutty guy in the propeller beanie is wearing a homemade cape with plutonium atoms drawn all over it. YOU JUST RUINED THE VILLAGE PEOPLE!!! (Devo is the only hat band that needs mad scientists.) > > Does Australia even have > > 16x9 TVs, or do they have > > something really primitive > > like the 1x1 TV from the > > original "Willy Wonka & > > The Chocolate Factory"? > > Dave "having TRON flashbacks now, okbye" DeLaney I hear they're going to do a remake of "Tron", except they're going to cut a lot of corners to save money. Instead of sets made of gray cardboard, they're going to fake it all with computer graphics. Instead of actual mass-produced Frisbees, this time they're going to throw fake computer- animated discs at each other. And instead of Bruce Boxleitner, they're going to have Bob from "reBoot". It'll all be completely computer-animated, meaning it'll be fake unlike the original movie which was crafted with loving care by some guys in spandex and hockey helmets prancing around in front of gray cardboard. All that cardboard gave the movie such a sense of dramatic realism, because everybody can spot real cardboard when they see it. -- K. Is it okay to mention Devo and "Tron" in the same article without simultaneously asking for help solving that newfangled Rubik's Cube? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Was it the Vodka or the Hot Sauce? Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 07:11:52 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I drunk now and giving away money! Woo Hoo! Well, this is still better than anything else that's on Channel 31. -- K. The best parts are the product placements for Eagle Leather. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Jury Selection 2005 Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 17:54:49 -0400 [reposted to fix a typo I made because I am so very tired] > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > I received a notice in the mail yesterday about my upcoming > > Jury Selection some time between July and August this year. > > > > They also took pains to point out that dodging jury selection > > is a serious offence and I could go to jail! As long as there is > > not a jury selected for that trial it would be fine. What, you want the judge to just send you right to jail without a jury trial? People like you who are eager to go to jail usually find out it's not as fun as it looks on TV. > > I will be wearing my "I'm a fuckin' genius" T-shirt and HULK HANDS > > on the day of the jury selection. I'm going to be wearing my "I'm with stupid who is in contempt of court -->" shirt if I ever have to sit next to you when I'm on jury duty. I just hope I remember to sit on the correct side. barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > I was going to go into a whole rant about how if People Like Us weasel > out of jury duty, all juries will be made up of People Like Them. > Then I looked at who the People Like Us actually are in this venue and > canceled the rant. But there aren't any people like us. And, in most cases, nobody likes us. "Your Honor, the Constitution of the United States of America here in the USA says that I can't be tried unless you find a jury of my peers, and I demand you find twelve tall thin guys with fluorescent hair who have degrees in sitcom-writing, have lettering skills, own at least one Viking-era artifact, like hot sauce on White Castles, think Tadanobu Asano and Jack Black are hotties, hate Curious George, know how to operate a Victorian-era electroshock machine, have seen every episode of 'The Time Tunnel' four times just because it sucks, break their TiVos, own only black bath towels, save bubblewrap but not packing peanuts, like circular carrot slices but not cubical ones, enjoy saying the word 'nougatine', listened to the commentary track on the two-DVD limited edition of 'Supergirl' and felt sorry for the director, know where Leif Erickson's imaginary house was, keep Roman coins in their medicine cabinet, know the names of all the gas masks and most of the dinosaurs, have made up their own interpretation of the subtext of Umberto Eco's 'Foucault's Pendulum', have been forbidden from visiting Toronto's CN Tower, eat cheeseless pizzas with bacon, own at least one Lenny Bruce bootleg tape, know where to get the best prices on cattle prods, have big feet, and are incredibly handsome and smart!" > When I served on a jury, there were some dumn jurors. It was kind of > depressing to hear the reasoning processes of some of these folks. It's always depressing on those rare instances when you have to interact with an actual cross-section of _all_ Americans, such as when you're locked in the jury waiting room, or at the Department Of Motor Vehicles, which is more or less the same thing anyway. We forget that we normally have a lot of control over what societal subgroups we interact with. Even if we walk into McDonalds, we're only interacting with people who have _chosen_ to go to McDonalds. But when you're on a jury or on a DMV, you encounter people with whom you have absolutely nothing in common except that a third party transported both of you to the same space-time coordinates and forced you to talk to each other, and the other guy has no interest in whether "nougatine" is a fun word to say. > On the whole, jury duty was a not-pleasant experience (it was a rape > case), but overall a worthwhile one. I haven't been summoned for jury duty since I started wearing lots of black leather and dyeing my hair weird colors. I can't wait. Finally, a chance to go somewhere where I can glower at criminals and then decide whether they live or die, assuming the judge doesn't let them just pay the parking ticket. And remember, there are lawyers out there who are so incompetent that they don't bother using all of their peremptory challenges to pack the jury with people who are normal. I'm thinking of a certain guy with a ponytail and Beatle boots. Even I think wearing Beatle boots in court is weird. -- K. Should I become a lawyer just to find out if lawyers can wear biker boots in court? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Jury Selection 2005 Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 21:10:46 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What, you want the judge to just send you right to jail without a > > jury trial? People like you who are eager to go to jail usually > > find out it's not as fun as it looks on TV. > > Just for the people who've found this place in the meantime since I last > warned you-all: > > DO NOT GO TO JAIL. > THERE ARE NO COOKIES IN JAIL. > THERE IS NOTHING TO _READ_ IN JAIL. > YOU WILL GO MADDER REALLY QUICKLY. > DON'T DO IT, IT'S A TRICK. Someday I'm going to start my own jail and it will have cookies. And little packets of airline pretzels. And stewardesses. It'll be the world's most popular jail. I'm thinking of charging $1000 for a one-week stay. Shorter stays will cost more, so all I have to do is convince people to leave early and I'll make a fortune. I'll just take away their cookies and smash their pretzels and have the stewardesses replaced by robots with flamethrowers. It'll be the world's least-loved jail, but only once I get it written up in the Michelin Guide as the greatest place ever. I make it posh for a few months, then I pull the rug out from under people who heard it had a good reputation. A simple bait-and-switch is always the most honest way to make money. As far as there being nothing to read in jail goes, you should learn to read tattoos. In fact, get "Moby-Dick" tattooed on your body in tiny print and you'll never get bored, unless "Moby-Dick" is boring, I don't know, I fell asleep a quarter of the way through the abridged version. For more ideas on things to do with tattoos to amuse yourself, see "Memento". -- K. Also my jail will have a casino inside. Captive audiences like to be exploited. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Jury Selection 2005 Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 18:00:43 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > This county won't let me serve on a jury, just because my opinions are > known and neither side wants me "swaying the jurors." So I didn't > weasel out of jury duty, but I'm damned glad the Jury Commissioner has > "Do Not Call" stamped on my card. They can do that? They keep records on printed cards? In Massachusetts, the records are kept on something like a PDP-11 with a green-bar-paper line printer. And its idea of "random" is to summons everyone who lives at 132 Beacon Street four times a year. (It's a college dorm.) The year I lived there, there were lots of days when everyone in the building simultaneously received summonses. Over and over. I've only been summonsed once since I moved to Mission Hill. I wouldn't mind being put on the "Do Not Call" list, because they have jury duty way too early in the morning. I'd happy go if it was 8pm to 5am. -- K. So what are these unmutual opinions of yours? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A handy pseudo-scientific phrase for those who might need it Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 18:33:33 -0400 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > "Solium trosphate" > > It came to me at the bus stop this morning, and I didn't chase it away. > > If you use this phrase, whether in casual conversation or in scripts for > any proposed new sci-fi TV series -- such as "Star Trek: Big Red Floaty > Things That Look Like Gumdrops" -- please make out royalty checks in the > amount of 0.038 cents to: > Sean > c/o Donal Lunny Institute of Hot Bouzouki Riffz > Dublin, Ireland > > Sean ("Please note: 'I stepped in a pile of solium trosphate' is _not_ > appropriate usage") Lasnayemere Sorry, but you don't get any royalties, because "solium" is a "Classic Battlestar Galactica" word. Remember in the three-hour pilot how Apollo proudly did his duty when he was ordered to do the most dangerous job in the fleet, crawling around on the outside of ships looking for "solium leaks"? I'm not sure what "trosphate" is, but you probably stole that from the first of the eighty-two revivals of "The Munsters" or something. "Taenia Solium" is also one of the proper names of the common pork tapeworm, also known as Taenia Armata and Taenia Dentata. "Solium", as we all know, is Latin for "throne", which is why you can catch Taenia Solium from a dirty throne. (Tapeworms can jump.) -- K. A throne is also known as a "turboflush" in the real world of Starbuck and Apollo, not the fake "Battlestar Galactica" they're showing now. The new one doesn't even have robots who wear hockey gloves, galoshes, and kicky little skirts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Karlo or oTTo or somebody... Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 21:39:43 -0400 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@Gmail.com): > > > > I recently heard that crystal meth is nicknamed "Tina." Can you > > confirm or deny, and, if confirming, explain the derivation? > > > > Thanks! > > We don't hear it called that so much out here, but yep, that is indeed a > term for meth. > > Dervivation: Crystal>Christina>Tina (supposedly, but who the fuck knows > how these things get started). ATTENTION PEOPLE OF EARTH. IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT YOU STOPPED WATCHING THE MOVIE "TOMMY" WHEN JACK NICHOLSON ATTEMPTED TO SING. GO BACK AND RENT THE MOVIE AGAIN AND THIS TIME COVER YOUR EARS DURING JACK NICHOLSON'S SCENE SO YOU CAN GET TO THE PART WITH TINA TURNER. THAT IS ALL. "Tina" is slang for meth mostly within the gay community, because all sissies worship Tina Turner and wish they had her hair. And also because gay guys can't call it "crank" since that confuses them when they re-enact scenes from "The Electric Company". (I always get to be Easy Reader.) By the way, my archives tell me that on September 13, 2004 (the fifth anniversary of Martin Landau blowing up the Moon) I told a.r.k that crystal meth is called "Tina". You people need to put more effort into memorizing everything I've ever said, except the stuff which is wrong or misspelled or embarrassing, which should be forgotten even though that's the only stuff you bastards even try to remember. It was in a thread where a stupid reporter for the Boston Herald claimed that "poppers" were crystal meth and worked like Viagra in order to make sure none of his readers thought he knew anything about drugs, even quasi-legal ones like poppers. If you don't know what poppers are, go to Toys R Us and look in the Fisher-Price aisle for those things with the long handle, two wheels, and those brightly-colored plastic marbles bouncing around inside. Then go over to the videotape department and ask for a bottle of video head cleaner that smells like rotting gym socks. -- K. You keep those things the hell away from me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Karlo or oTTo or somebody... Date: Mon, 30 May 2005 01:33:14 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Up until last week, we had a boy who has a pretty nasty crystal meth > habit of several years' duration at the middle school. You'll be glad > to hear that I won't be at the middle school any more after June. But > you'll be scared to hear that Anna will be there another year after > that. I am already indoctrinating her. If there is any documentary > on any channel showing the lives of crack whores, speed freaks, heroin > addicts, or anything similar, the girls are required to watch it with me. NO HUMAN CAN STAND THAT MUCH "MATCH GAME '77"! -- K. So is the local high school better or worse than Crackzapoppin Middle? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: DRUunk !! e Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 21:50:51 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > Sadburger (tagutcow@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > i coduln'dt fi ugure outhow to dribe mY CAR so i WAL,Ked to hte > > > Cirlce K and buoghT KING COBRA!! !!nowI'm almost don e with > > > htE COBRA > > > > > > !yuou shuold see the gu8y on the lable hes all liker "I"M AWE#SOME > > > AND ShIT CUS IM A CRObA! !!! > > > > > > ohi don'"T FEE#L sao good . > > > > That's the first clue that you should stop. Consider it. Save some > > booze for the rest of the weekend. > > Meanwhile, I think we may have found a way to reproduce Manley Hubbell in > the laboratory, here. Kibo, can we get a grant to continue this experiment > FOR SCIENCE? Who needs a grant? I know a place that'll do that sort of lobotomy for free, since a little bottle of carbon tet came with my Junior Detective Kit. Also, I don't think Manley Hubbell is capable of reproduction. It requires at least one intact chromosome. Still, whatshisname above does a pretty good impression of pretending to be drunk just so we'll think he's cool. But I know what drunk _really_ is. Drunk is when a straight guy had eleven beers at the Red Sox game and wanders into the wrong club and starts telling me how handsome I am. I mean, we're talking serious beer goggle action coupled with an inability to remember your own gender preference _and_ liking a baseball team that's named after an undergarment. -- K. Fake drunks aren't as annoying as people trying to pretend they're sober. "The bartender just cut me off for no reason!" "Sorry, I can't help you, I'm just here to deliver some light bulbs. Also, since the 'tender makes money serving drinks, if he cut you off there's probably a damn good reason, besides the fact that you smell like pee." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: drugs are bad, m'kay? (was: Karlo or oTTo or somebody...) Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 22:01:33 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > > > When I was a kid we never even considered smoking or injecting [crystal > > meth], as snorting one line of it was quite enough thank you. > > I drew one of many lines at needles. I won't touch drugs with a ten-foot pole, but... I draw many lines with needles. Gimme your arm. By the way, every adult bookstore around here has a glass case filled with little glass crack pipes with a sign saying "GLASSWARE IS FOR TOBACCO USE ONLY." Is there anyone out there clueless enough to think that anyone might ever have put pipe tobacco in a tiny glass pipe? The store might have one or two bongs, but they always have dozens of the little pipes. They also always have one of those six-inch-diameter butt plugs -- I'm not sure whether people buy those entirely as joke gifts (like the inflatable plastic sheep) or just because if your customers are smoking meth and crack with equipment from a porn store, they're probably both stupid and high and will buy anything. I mean, you know these customers must be stupid, because the eighty-dollar-a-pair handcuffs are in that same glass case. That's over a 400% profit margin. -- K. I should learn how to blow glass. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I need a vacation Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 22:21:49 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I have just received a leather jacket from someone > with a rip in it near the pocket. What's the best way > to repair it? Find a professional leather craftsman (i.e. one of those guys who custom-makes vests and harnesses and fitted pants and stuff) and have them stitch it. You should be able to find one at the next outlaw biker rally you attend, or look for business cards pinned to the corkboard in your local leather bar. (Note: There is no such thing as a leather craftswoman. Leather must be stitched. Women sew, men stitch.) Or just buy a new jacket, you can get plain black ones for as little as $60 if you know where to look. $30 if you don't mind it being made from scrap leather. And spend the extra few bucks to get yourself little bottles of leather cleaner and leather conditioner (i.e. a tiny orange Lexol jug, and a tiny brown Lexol jug.) Keeping your leather conditioned will make it significantly more durable (and look better, too.) Lame old fabric clothes have to get washed all the time, your leather just asks you to work it over with the leather cleaner and conditioner once every few months. (If the nylon lining gets icky, you may have to take it to a professional leather cleaner.) Ask your leather repairman for leather-care products. Wait, "near the pocket"? What sort of wimpy leather jacket has only one pocket? I bet it's got fewer than ten zippers, too. Is it... brown? -- K. Are you telling me you bought Clan's used teal and fuchsia eight-ball jacket? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I need a vacation Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 22:50:18 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > I have just received a leather jacket from someone > > with a rip in it near the pocket. What's the best way > > to repair it? > > i'm really disappointed that no one has suggested coordinating duct > tape. not that i'm suggesting it--or anything else, for that > matter--mind you. i'm just surprised that no one else has. This is becase if you like wearing duct tape, you've got no need for a leather jacket. Some people make whole suits of armor out of the stuff. And I believe I've already mentioned that Andy Kaufman used it for underwear while he was performing. I recommend genuine 3M brand duct tape. It has that nice sort of new car scent with a hint of raspberry blossom extract. I think 3M scents their brand name products to turn people on, as they also produce a generic off-brand duct tape that smells like toxic solvents. Almost everything 3M puts their name on smells nicer than their generic brand or the competing brands. If you don't believe me, take a whiff of the cheap "Syrvet" imitation of 3M's "Vetrap", and tell me which one you think smells like fancy candle wax and which smells like bat barf. Sure, Duco puts mustard oil in their model cement to keep kids from huffing it, but 3M seems to work hard to make all their adhesive or cohesive products be stuff you can't resist sniffing. I bet lots of people in Germany wish 3M would go into the bicycle-seat business. -- K. Happiness is the smell of a warm TiVo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: stunning news Date: Sat, 28 May 2005 18:05:07 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > I like this story from MSNBC for several reasons... > > [msnbc.msn.com] > -> > -> Police use stun gun to bring suspect off crane > > no, not Bob Crane, nor Ralphn Maccio doing fake kung fu, just a > construction crane. Hey, Bob Crane died before stun guns became popular. He had to get murdered in his bed with something as low-tech as his Sony Betamax video camera. (Strangled with the cord and bludgeoned with the tripod, if I remember correctly.) If he were still alive so he could be killed today, it would probably be something like him getting a stun gun rammed down his throat and then having his head crushed with one of those heavy old Sony Series 1 TiVos. (There would have to be a Sony product placement somewhere in his death. It just wouldn't do to be killed with a flimsy Goldstar.) > the first thing I like about the story is the opening sentence: > > -> ATLANTA -- A 56-hour standoff with a homicide suspect perched > -> on a construction crane ended peacefully early Saturday when > -> police shocked him with a stun gun as he reached for a cup of > -> water, authorities said. > > I dunno about this new definition of "peaceful". granted, he didn't > die, but sending several billion volts through someone as he tries to > drink a glass of water doesn't exactly sound peaceful to me. Stun guns aren't even one billion bolts, no matter how hard we wish they were. Their voltage is on the same order of magnitude as the measly little coil wrapped around the picture tube of your Sony TV set. Sony! The next time you want to kill Bob Crane, think of Sony! This has been a paid product placement for Goldstar, makers of ultra-safe tripods that would shatter over Bob Crane's head without hurting him, unless he stepped on one of the shards of plastic the next day, in which case he might get a little boo-boo. > maybe one of the policemen was severely traumatized by Chuck and Bob > when he was a kid. I know we're talking about Bob Crane, but why is Chuck Jones in here? Did he dig up Bob Crane's corpse just to drop an anvil on him? ("Police believe a trampoline was involved, but are not ruling out the possibility of rocket-powered roller skates.") > the second thing I like is the next sentence: > > -> "Apparently, he was thirsty," police spokesman Sgt. John Quigley said. > > well, yeah, if I guy has been perched on a crane for 50-some hours and > hasn't had any food or water in that time, then reaches for a cup of > water, there's a slight chance it means he's thirsty. Maybe he just drank the water to make the drama more boring since Bert wanted to read about it while Ernie was playing his trumpet or whatever. Surely you remember that "Sesame Street" bit where Bert is reading a book titled "Boring Stories" and exclaims, "WOW, THE PRINCE JUST DRANK A GLASS OF WATER!" Maybe it was a story about how The Little Prince hijacked a construction crane. But then the Nazis came after The Little Prince so Richard Dawson hid him in a teapot. And he stayed in the teapot so long that he fell asleep, and when the family on the left got the third strike and the gameboard buzzed for "[X][X][X]" it woke him up and when he came out he didn't know what day it was until he realized that it must be Friday if Richard Dawson was that drunk. > two paragraph/sentences later, there's this gem: > > -> The standoff unfolded above Atlanta's busy Buckhead > -> neighborhood, an area filled with clubs and restaurants. Lunch > -> and dinner crowds, taking advantage of summer-like weather, > -> have packed restaurant patios with clear views of the standoff. > > (this paragraph appears courtesy of a grant from the Greater Buckhead > Tourism Council. slogan: "Come Dine With The Best, Buckhead!") I wonder if the restaurants there give you glasses of water for free, or if the water... comes... with... a... CHARGE. <----- CHARGE <-----<<< "GET IT?"!!! > much further down, there's this sentence: > > -> Roland showed mixed emotions during the negotiations, Dreher said. > > well, yeah, fear mixed with sorrow mixed with "BZZZT! GAH!" But even further down, you missed this teaser for another article: -> Music store sells 11 organs to sick woman Sadly, it's just about an Alzheimer's patient with a H*mm*nd fetish, not about a woman getting a musical kidney implanted in her ocarina. -- K. Don't ask into which orifice the mute was inserted. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Please to do my science homework for me... Date: Sat, 28 May 2005 18:08:37 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > I had a friend send me one of the kewtsy list of "Facts you may not be > aware of" (with varying quantities of "Facts"). > > Anywho, the following was in the list: > > "A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and > down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top." > > Since I'm not a drinker, I need someone to perform this experiment for me > and post the results to ARK. > > Do it for SCIENCE!!11!! I thought everyone already had done this when they were kids. I used 7-Up. Don't waste your money on expensive fresh champage, or even old champage. Just get some of that icky 7-Up. The raisins will go up and down because bubbles will form on them, lifting them to the surface, where they shed their bubbles and sink again. I think even Mr. Rogers knew you could do this. He seemed to like any science experiment that involved looking at a glass of water for a while. -- K. And if you leave the raisins in there for an extra week, they mutate into grapes! They still taste bad, though. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Another article claiming that pedophiles are all Trekdorks Date: Sat, 28 May 2005 23:36:26 -0400 You know how, when a newspaper or magazine sees someone else doing a news story, they decide "Hey! That was an original angle! Let's do exactly the same thing!"? Well, the nice people at Maclean's magazine appear to have read that LA Times article from last month. [www.macleans.ca] -> -> The Star Trek connection -> -> A surprising number of child sex abusers appear to be Trekkies. -> Trying to figure out what that means, however, shows how little we -> really know about pedophiles Well, we know they must hate cheap imitations of Rod Stewart power ballads more than they love "Star Trek". So this means we should train all children to start screeching out that song that got "Enterprise" canceled in order to repel pedophiles and other Trekkies. -> Jonathon Gatehouse -> -> The first thing detectives from the Toronto police sex crimes unit -> saw when they entered Roderick Cowan's apartment was an autographed -> picture of William Shatner. Along with the photos on the computer -> of Scott Faichnie, also busted for possessing child porn, they -> found a snapshot of the pediatric nurse and Boy Scout leader -> wearing a dress "Federation" uniform. Another suspect had a TV -> remote control shaped like a phaser. Yet another had a Star Trek -> credit card in his wallet. One was using "Picard" as his screen name. So, basically, the same people who have the hots for little kids also love William Shatner? Hmm. Is there something about him we don't know? Like, is he really a 7-year-old with progeria and a bad wig? There is that one episode where it's mentioned that he's the youngest man ever to be a starship captain, so maybe he really is a little kid trapped in a doughy old man's body. Just like in that unwatchably horrible Robin Williams movie which nobody could like unless they really wanted to see a middle-aged man sitting on the floor crying. I bet the very sickest pedophiles actually read Shatner's "TekWar" novels all the way through. -> In the 3 1/2 years since police in Canada's biggest city -> established a special unit to tackle child pornography, -> investigators have been through so many dwellings packed with -> sci-fi books, DVDs, toys and collectibles like Klingon swords and -> sashes that it's become a dark squadroom joke. "We always say there -> are two types of pedophiles: Star Trek and Star Wars," says Det. -> Ian Lamond, the unit's second-in-command. "But it's mostly Star Trek." But "Doctor Who" and "Babylon 5" fans are even bigger nerds. So if you think that pedophilia is the most repulsive thing there is, think again -- I'm sure "Blake's 7" fans are doing something unimaginably disgusting, not to mention poorly-writt