From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manuel Noriega and other helpful learning examples Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 17:10:40 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > [...] it sounds like you had Mrs Davis, who handed out school-owned > copies of some book to our 10th grade English class along with index > cards so we could write down our name and the number of the book we'd > been issued. I managed to misspell my name Hey, it's your name, which is your property, no matter how you spell it, it's not misspelling. It's not even illegal unless you are doing it to defraud or impersonate someone. You should've told her she was the one who was misspelling it. > so I crossed it out and wrote my information correctly on the other > side. You're way ahead of me, right? She came around with another > index card and made me do it over on the side with the lines on it. Back in the days of Arbor Day, the mid-'70s, part of that bullshit eco-activism for children espoused in TV commercials sponsored by Dow Chemical (you know, like the one where the Indian cries because someone threw a coffee cup on the ground -- "PEOPLE start pollution, PEOPLE can stop it" -- it's all your fault, not Dow's!) part of the agenda was to teach kids to always use both sides of every sheet of paper. Because obviously billions of trees are cut down every second just to make doodle pads for kindergartners, as paper is not used in business offices, manufacturing industries, or the government. Now, the teachers' union in Massachusetts is running these ham-handed commercials asking for increased school funding (i.e. pay raises), where every time an elementary school class attempts to do anything, a loudspeaker forbids the teacher from doing it ("THERE IS NO TIME FOR INDIVIDUAL INSTRUCTION! MOVE ALONG!") because apparently budget shortages have caused schools to install expensive surveillance systems and hire George Orwell as a consultant. One of the things the louspeaker demands the kids do is "USE BOTH SIDES OF EVERY SHEET OF PAPER", revealing the commercial's true subtext -- the teachers are extorting pay raises from people by threatening to teach the kids environmentalism! Quick, raise taxes to stop those hippie ideas! (I'LL GET YOU, CAPTAIN PLANET!) The other alleged public-service announcement bothering me at the moment is one of the 58,000 ones on how you should tell your kids that drugs are bad, m'kay? This father has set up dioramas and plastic uterus models and a bunch of books on puberty in order to prepare for telling his son about s-e-x, but when he tries to get started he's very uncomfortable and says "Or we could talk about drugs," to which the kid enthusiastically agrees. The message: "Parents of the world, we offer you this deal: If you tell your kids drugs are bad, m'kay?, you won't ever have to tell them about sex. Anyway, kids don't want to hear about sex." -- K. THERE IS NO TIME FOR SEX EDUCATION! MOVE ALONG! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manuel Noriega and other helpful learning examples Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 18:52:07 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > Even priests. In New Yok state you have to take a statewide regents' > exam and this prick of a priest tried giving me 19 (of 30) points on > the second essay portion because: a) I ignored his dictate for all > students to skip the multiple choice Lit questions and take the > optional essay instead (I aced the Lit questions), b) quit the school > newspaper that he was advisor because he sucked, c) I was a foot > taller than he was and could've kicked his ass or d) drew comic strips > that passed around the school, including one that called him Scarface > for his blazing red acne scars. I retook the test at my Mom's high > school and gave him the finger after I received my Regents' diploma at > graduation. I didn't realize Regents' exams were mandatory now. When I was in high school, the exam was optional (taken at graduation time), and all it did for you was to get you the "Regents' diploma" instead of the local school's diploma (i.e. it got you a sticker or something, there was no actual reason you needed the Regents' certification.) I think there was something about a $125/year scholarship to any state college if you got above a certain grade on the Regents' exam. Other than that I don't recall there being any reason to want to take the Regents' exam except for those of us who knew we'd ace it so as to get the pretty Hello Kitty sticker on our piece of paper that nobody would ever look at. Also, how come New York State's school board is still full of "Regents" despite us kicking all the kings, emperors, and princes out of the United States in 1776? By the way, which is the greater sin -- giving a priest the finger, or bragging about giving a priest the finger? Bet you thought you were such a big shot, giving him the finger when he couldn't give it back, just 'cause you know he secretly wanted to. Some day there will be a church scandal when the Pope discovers that all those priests behind the one-way mirrors in the confessionals are giving people the finger. Did your comic strips point out that "Scarface" must've been a sinner because he had acne? It's in the Bible, all that stuff about "pox" is about how your face breaks out if you secretly wish you were allowed to give people the finger. -- K. I also have the worthless certificate from "The President's Council On Academic Fitness", signed by some sleepy senile guy's Autopen. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manuel Noriega and other helpful learning examples Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 18:29:15 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja wrote: > > > > > > [...] if you wrote on notebook paper from a spiral and tore it > > > out of the notebook, leaving fringies. > > > > Oh, please. By the time you were in school, every spiral notebook > > on the planet was perforated! > > No not. Not in 5th grade, anyway. The incredible invention of > perforation wasn't until I was in high school. > 5th grade was when notebooks all had those raised patterns and pictures > on them so you could put a piece of paper over your notebook and rub a > pencil on it to transfer the pattern to paper. Also, you could buy Snoopy > notebook paper reinforcements (reinforcements with little Snoopy and > Woodstock stickers attached.) 20% of the Internet are now asking, "What was a paper reinforcement?" 10% are asking "What was a Snoopy? Did they name a 1999 concert after him too?" 5% are asking "What was a pencil?" 1% are asking "What was 'buy'?" > > where the teacher unwittingly outed my gay friend in explaining how it > > was fallacious to assume he was gay because he was wearing a pink shirt-- > > which, of course, my friend insisted far too quickly was actually salmon. > > That is so cool. Salmon is _not_ cool. The way to tell if a guy in a pink shirt is gay: Ask them to close their eyes. Then ask them what color their shirt is. If they know, they're gay. This works for any color shirt except white or black, because people who wear those colors tend to wear them often enough that they can make an assumption which ruins your assumption. -- K. Oh, and any sort of fishnet mesh shirt means they're really, really gay, or on the crew of a British submarine in the distant future year of 1980, which I guess works out to be the same thing as all British guys are gay. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: pink shirts are so gay (was: helpful learning examples) Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 01:21:17 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The way to tell if a guy in a pink shirt is gay: Ask them to close > > their eyes. Then ask them what color their shirt is. If they know, > > they're gay. This works for any color shirt except white or black, > > because people who wear those colors tend to wear them often enough > > that they can make an assumption which ruins your assumption. > > If they don't know, they may still be gay. Yes, but those people would be so straight-acting as to be not worth dating, especially since people would be puzzled over you having such a straight boyfriend with no extrasensory color sense. Any proper fashion queen will know which shade of which color of which European designer's color palette is on his shirt; Any proper clone will be wearing a tight white T-shirt, possibly inside-out so everyone can see the Calvin Klein tag; Any proper butch guy will be wearing black or camo, assuming they're even wearing a shirt. (Straight guys wear camo too, but they tend to mix patterns in bad ways, like a West German flecktarn shirt with an East German flecktarn jacket and Swiss alpenflage pants, or worse, they wear those weird colors of fake camo with names like "Blue Raspberry Ripple".) Not all gay guys are fashionable -- but only a truly straight guy will get dressed without looking. And yet all men (straight or gay) check themselves out in the mirror every day. (Don't try to deny it. You know you do.) Straight men have the power to check themselves out without even seeing the clothes -- maybe they're imagining themselves naked so as not to get stage fright. Anyway, just play along with all the stereotypes to make things easier for the straight guys, just like when all the gay guys got together and agreed on which side to wear the earring on just so straight guys wouldn't accidentally date them. > And if they have to take a minute or two to think about it but get > the answer right, who knows? You'd hang around a guy while he has his eyes closed saying "DUHHHHHHHHHH" for two minutes? Wow. You must be really turned on by the part of the front bar where guys sit on stools staring fixedly into space all evening. -- K. There should be a circus sideshow performer who's straight on one side and gay on the other. He'd have to get halves of two slightly different crew cuts... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manuel Noriega and other helpful learning examples Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 19:47:11 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] ask them what color their shirt is. > > Wait, you can buy shirts in colors? Mine have been restricted to > variations on beige and tan (the only off-white colors straight guys > know) for several years now. Do you wear a lot of jumpsuits and live in a futuristic Seventies dystopia? Do you have the furniture that looks like shiny plastic blobs, or the kind that looks like cubes with carpeting stapled to every side? In the Seventies, futuristic dystopias came in three color schemes: 1. Everything beige and tan 2. Everything white 3. White with black and silver trim "2001" and "Space: 1999" must have been dystopian nightmares because they had look #3. Nobody has yet done a dystopia where everyone wears all black on sets painted shiny black, though there are a couple scenes in "Star Wars" that have nearly enough glossy black stuff in them to look cool. I think it would be really great if George Lucas made a dystopian film that looked like the master negative of "THX-1138". But you'd have to be careful never to put the two of them in the same film can or they'd cancel each other out, leaving you with miles of medium gray film, and the only thing you could do with all this solid gray footage would be to have Gates McFadden run around in front of it because another one of Wil Wheaton's science experiments is trying to kill her. Don't get me started on what should be done with all the footage from "The Starlost". -- K. Nobody's ever done a dystopian future where everything is Barbie pink to make the population vomit whenever they take off their opaque goggles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manuel Noriega and other helpful learning examples Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:52:35 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nobody's ever done a dystopian future where everything is Barbie pink > > to make the population vomit whenever they take off their opaque goggles. > > Except Joe Arpaio. Sigh. All my best ideas have already been stolen by other sadists. Well, maybe I'll create a dystopian future where everything has fluorescent pink and green zigzaggy diagonal stripes all over it so that everyone thinks they've been sucked into a migraine. And then it'll give them all tension headaches. And they won't be allowed to complain because tension headaches aren't as bad as migraines. And then I'll take away all their fluorescent pink and green candy. -- K. I hear that late at night, when he thinks nobody's looking, Sherriff Joe Arpaio wears lacy lavender panties just to prove to himself that anything is more masculine than wearing pink. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 04:34:48 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > > > I took my son to Blockbuster a while ago and he decided Superbabies > > was the one and only movie he wanted to rent. Nothing could dissuade > > him, even after I'd pointed out every other marginally plausible > > possibility in the Family section. Then I discovered it was rated PG; > > hallelujah! That eliminated it from contention; Kenny's limited to G > > movies. I don't even have to take the blame for that rule. His > > mother came up with that one. Possibly under similar circumstances. > > > > [later] > > > > So of course tonight Heather went to Blockbuster (on her own) and came > > back with "The Incredibles" for Kenny, rated PG. > > > > The sound you now hear is that of a loophole slamming shut. > > > > On my testicles. > > *ouch* > > The Incredibles? PG? are you *sure* you want Kenny watching a film > where Mummy and Daddy lay into each other like that? "And now, son, your rite of passage... Your very first PG movie. The one which includes the short subject where the baby keeps setting himself on fire." By the way, I noticed that as a tie-in with the new "Fantastic Four" movie (the one that's being released, not the older one that only the bootleggers got to see) they're selling "Human Torch" masks, so kids can run around to show all the other kids how cool it would be to set yourself on fire. I am assuming the existence of this mask will give rise to the same sort of legends as that Batman costume with the "CAPE DOES NOT ENABLE WEARER TO FLY" warning that everyone's heard about and yet nobody's ever seen. > I think you should wait a few years before exposing him to that sort > of thing, for eg., until Kibo's managed to arrange proper hazmat > packing for every copy of Superbabies in existence. Rich, I'd offer you that Asian bootleg of "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2" that every single person on the Web is sick of seeing the back cover of, except the bootleggers forgot to put the wrong rating on the box. It says "PG". (A lot of bootlegs of kids' movies say "G" whether they are or not.) > and dropped them all on Cana^H^H^H^HFra^H^H^HCanada. How about we split the difference and drop them all on Quebec? Aww, on my TV right now, the Martians just exterminated Jack Black, in the second-worst movie ever based on a set of bubble-gum cards. The worst, of course, is "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie", unless someone invents a time machine and travels back to 1953 and starts selling "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2" trading cards just so that that movie will turn out to have been based on bubble-gum cards and therefore be even more unnecessary. Anyway, since you asked, here are some wholesome movies I would actually recommend for kids: "Yellow Submarine". Just tell them it's all about the fun you can have with coloring books, don't mention that it's an infomercial for LSD. "The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr. T". It's a little slow at the start, and the kids may not know what a Fifties-style Air Wick is, but come on, they gotta love it anyway, it's got Hans Conried singing Dr. Seuss verse! "The Brave Little Toaster". Not a particularly memorable movie, but what kid could resist a talking toaster with Jon Lovitz's voice? Your kid will run around imitating the world's most obnoxious toaster! "Batman: The Movie" with Adam West, Burt Ward, Burgess Meredith, Frank Gorshin, Cesar Romero, and both of Lee Meriwether's legs. Mee-yow! Your kid will wonder why you're laughing at Batman saying "Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb!" which is a perfectly sensible observation of fact. There aren't many superhero movies that are both squeaky-clean enough for kids and yet not completely boring. In fact, I think this is the only one other than the first Christopher Reeve "Superman", though "Superman" might be a little too much for small kids to handle (after all, Margot Kidder did get slowly crushed... and Superboy accidentally kills his own father... and everyone but Superman smokes...) "Star Trek: The Motion Picture". It's the only G-rated science-fiction movie to have been made since phasers were invented. However, the good version (the DVD re-edit) is PG so you'll have to make your kid sit through one of the versions where scenes illustating key plot points are represented by grainy still pictures of the scaffolding they couldn't afford to build sets on top of. Also you'll have to hope the kid isn't as baffled by "My oath of celibacy is on record" as every adult in the world is. (Starfleet apparently makes all their female crew members promise to stay out of Kirk's holographic bedroom.) "The Rocket Man", the one Lenny Bruce wrote, not the one where Harlan Williams keeps farting. I have a bootleg of this which I haven't gotten around to watching, but given that it's a children's movie written by Lenny Bruce, I'm sure it will instill a healthy attitude towards questioning authority, teaching the kids not to let the district attorney rip off their blowjob jokes. The second "Inspector Gadget" movie (the one with French Stewart) isn't bad (surprising, given how bad the first one was.) "Pee-wee's Big Adventure" is one of the greatest movies ever made and should be suitable for kids. They'll find jokes you didn't even know were there. Worst that can happen is that your kid will demand you take him to visit the Alamo. I've only ever seen about a minute of "Twice Upon A Time" (George Lucas's most obscure movie) but it seemed worth watching. You should find a place where you can rent a bootleg of that one, then steal the disc and mail it to me. And of course there's always "The Shook-Up Shopping Cart". Skip any kids' movie which contains Santa Claus anywhere in, near, or behind it. Although "Elf" will be good when your kid is old enough to handle the upper end of "PG". But avoid the hell out of any other movie where Santa Claus has even the tiniest cameo, just as you would avoid any movie where Ronald McDonald breakdances. Okay, you can let your kid see "A Christmas Story", since that guy clearly isn't Santa since he kicks Ralphie in the face, but again, that would only be once your kid is old enough to handle looking at lamps shaped like legs and Darren McGavin cursing in Yosemite Sam language. -- K. The 1980 "Flash Gordon" is another one which will be good to show him when he's old enough to start demanding to see "Star Wars". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 19:58:36 -0400 zusty sanspoof eelface (uh.zusty@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "The Brave Little Toaster". Not a particularly memorable movie, > > but what kid could resist a talking toaster with Jon Lovitz's voice? > > Your kid will run around imitating the world's most obnoxious toaster! > > Hey, Jon Lovitz was the _radio's_ voice! > ...hey! Oh, you've seen it more recently than I have. Like I said, not the most memorable movie in the world, and I saw it a decade ago. You're right, he was the radio with the whip antenna. I think the toaster had one of those squeaky woman's voices that they always use when they want a cartoon character to sound like a little boy. I just wish they'd drawn it in a nicer style, such as the Gahan Wilson illustration that was on the cover of the issue of "Fantasy & Science Fiction" it was in. But then it probably would have turned into a Ralph Bakshi production with a bunch of stock footage of Nazis and random doodles by art-school students. How come nobody in Hollywood has decided that Gahan Wilson should be in charge of everything? I think he should not only pick which sitcoms get on the air, he should also work the puppets for the diaphanous monsters that come out of the toilet and eat all the characters. Also I want him to make a movie based on that comic panel about the kid with the plastic earthworm. (The kid is holding a little box marked "PLASTIC EARTHWORM", looking horribly depressed, as this insufferably smug grown-up strolls by with his big box that says "WORLD WAR II -- ACTUAL SIZE -- EVERYTHING INCLUDED". If Gahan Wilson gets to make that movie, keep Ralph Bakshi the hell away from it.) Gahan Wilson is one of the few people to understand that being a kid sucks! Especially when your parents won't let you see "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2". And even more so when they do. I wonder what he lets his kids watch. -- K. It's not even a _real_ earthworm! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 17:18:58 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Yellow Submarine". Just tell them it's all about the fun you can > > have with coloring books, don't mention that it's an infomercial for LSD. > > Agh. Hate this movie! Hate it! [...] > > Insert Kibo's "you just didn't get it because you're stupid" post here > -------- > | > | > V Why would I do that? I'm not one of those people who feels everyone has to enjoy the same movies and/or music. I learned at an early age that Fonzie became very uncool the moment he forced everyone in Arnold's to switch from listening to rock & roll to nothing but Tchaikovsky because Classical music is inherently better. Just because I have an opinion doesn't make you stupid. If you're allowed to dislike a movie, then I'm allowed to like it, okay? Now shut up and watch "Baby Geniuses 2", because I had to dislike it, therefore you're required to like it. -- K. Also, you just didn't get it because you're faaaaat. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 22:08:13 -0400 Yesterday, I wrote: > > [...] I'm not one of those people who feels everyone has > to enjoy the same movies and/or music. I learned at an early age that > Fonzie became very uncool the moment he forced everyone in Arnold's > to switch from listening to rock & roll to nothing but Tchaikovsky > because Classical music is inherently better. And today, TV Land surprised me by showing _that_ episode! It's creepy the power I seem to have over our nation's TV schedules. The episode in question is on my TV at this very moment. It's the one where Fonzie dreams he's Tchaikovsky (in a fluffy velvet jacket instead of leather) and then starts demanding that everyone at Arnold's listen to nothing but "The Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairies" for an entire week to see if he can recruit them. And it has all your least favorite characters: Ted McGinley as replacement Richie, Harris Kal as the first replacement Ralph, and Scott Bernstein as the second replacement Potsie. However, they were still on their first Joanie, and this was not one of those rare episodes that had both of the replacement Potsies at the same time, or the surprise re-introduction of Classic Potsie Now With Girlfriend. I forget, did the two replacement Ralphs ever collide? Oh man, Fonzie just kicked the juke box to make it start playing "The Blue Danube Waltz" and now he's prancing around Arnold's doing ballet leaps. This isn't the first time I've seen this episode, but I always forget what an incredible dweeb Fonzie became by these middle years. He just changed into a tweed blazer with elbow patches and a yellow paisley necktie. Gee, Fonzie, you seem to have lost your edge faster than if Jack Webb had devoted a whole episode to giving bad guys free foot rubs. I can't wait to see how this episode ends. I'm predicting that Fonzie will back a dump truck filled with potatoes up to Dan Quayle's driveway while talking about breast cancer and having TV's first gay kiss while dreaming he's in "Liztomania" wearing a diaper and riding Hitler's giant penis around. -- K. THE FONZ IS A NERD ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:51:33 -0400 Distribution: world Captain Infinity (Infinity@captaininfinity.us) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > THE FONZ IS A NERD > > FONZ to NERD. I can do it in eleven steps: > > FONZ > BONZ (are product names allowed? I SAY YES!) > BONE > BORE > FORE (or BARE) > FORM (or FARE) > FARM > HARM > HARD > HERD > NERD I can do it in fewer: FONZ RICHIE RALPH POTSIE NERD Or, to do it _your_ cumbersome way: FONZ FONT FORT FORD NORD NERD "Nord" is too an English word, otherwise used-car ads wouldn't have their headlines printed in an ugly font named Antique Olive Nord. I win! -- K. Flawless victory conclusively proves THE FONZ IS A NERD! P.S. Yes, I wrote this before seeing any of the 3,047 article where other people did the same thing with fake words like "FARD" or "NERT". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 22:18:57 -0400 I just wrote: > > I can't wait to see how this episode ends. I'm predicting that > Fonzie will back a dump truck filled with potatoes up to Dan Quayle's > driveway while talking about breast cancer and having TV's first > gay kiss while dreaming he's in "Liztomania" wearing a diaper and > riding Hitler's giant penis around. I was originally planning to say "a dump truck filled with library cards" so as not to make the "'Murphy Brown' has started spending too much time being self-important" so obvious, but then I would have had to add something about Fonzie asking Don Saklad for help with his library skills, and that seemed too horrible to mention, so I just left it as a dump truck filled with potatoes. I have seen everything that has ever been on TV. Hey, maybe some of you folks can answer this, it's been bugging me for a while. There was this show that was a parody of the early seasons of "Cops" -- where they followed the cops around both on the job and during their home life -- and it wasn't "Reno 911" (it was much earlier, like '92 or '93) and it wasn't Chris Elliot's brilliant "The Action Family". It ran for a few weeks, I think on Fox. What the hell was the title of that show? I keep wanting to say "Fuzz" but I can't find any shows called "Fuzz" on IMDB.com, so either I'm mis-remembering or IMDB is missing at least one very forgettable show. There used to be a VHS tape you could get that had Chris Elliot's "The Action Family" and his "FDR: A One-Man Show" back-to-back, which combined were one of the greatest videotapes you could ask for. They need to get those released on DVD along with the rest of the "Get A Life" episodes, especially the one with the stock footage from "The Time Tunnel" (which, ironically, was a show made out of stock footage from old movies.) -- K. "Cops" didn't get good until September 11, 2001 caused all cops to start carrying Tasers. How Tasers prevent planes from being crashed into buildings, I don't know, but it makes the show much funnier, especially that one episode where the little cop Tasers the huge suspect just 'cause the guy's bigger than him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Sat, 04 Jun 2005 19:28:30 -0400 Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.HAWHAWSPAMTRAP.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I have seen everything that has ever been on TV. > > Excellent. You will therefore be able to help me with these two quandries, > > [...] Your first question was too difficult for me, so I'll pretend you never asked it. > Also, a cool early-90's show pairing an American with a ninja. Not Kung Fu, > the Legend Continues. I believe Lee van Cleef was in it? It also had very > nice theme music. For the time period. I believe the title was "The Master", I recall it being on in 1985. A few pairs of episodes were spliced together into the "movies" "Master Ninja I" and "Master Ninja II" which turned up on early "Mystery Science Theater 3000" episodes. And yes, it had Lee Van Cleef... and starred one of the Lesser Van Pattens. I suspect a lot of nerds tuned in but were disappointed that The Master never shrank anyone to death with a Tissue Compression Eliminator. On the other hand, fans of "The Master" may have tuned into "Doctor Who" and been disappointed to not see a single ninja in all 700 episodes. Unless they've added gay ninjas to the new "Doctor Who". -- K. Remember the "CHiPs" spinoff pilot about the LAPD's elite ninja squad? I think the working title for the series would have been "Force Five" if it hadn't just been an episode of "CHiPs". Between Ponch riding that Kawasaki and all those ninjas, one wonders if California police never hear a single doughnut joke because they spend all their time eating sushi. There should be sushi doughnuts so everyone will be happy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:49:19 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I have seen everything that has ever been on TV. > > Then do you remember the game show that Joe Garagiola hosted where they > always argued over the pronunciation of "pot pourri"? I remember that in Alex Trebek's book about how great his version of "Jeopardy!" is, he told a story about how he was puzzled to receive a crank letter complaining the show hated Catholics until towards the end he figured out that the wacko was complaining about the category "Popery". And I remember Pat Sajak being on a night-time talk show complaining that the "fabulous prizes" during the "shopping" round of the original "Wheel! Of! Fortune!" included stuff like "a ceramic pendant shaped like Joe Garagiola". So if you put those two together, then yes, I do remember it. > I was certain I remembered it as having a high-tech color-TV > red/green/blue color scheme, until somebody recognized my description > of it recently and remembered the audience being polled in three > sections, red, blue, and [SFX: IMAGINARY SAD BUZZER] yellow. Bert Convy's "TattleTales" had the audience divided into the red, blue, and "banana" sections. Banana made it better. > (Actually, though, maybe those two memories aren't contradictory > at all--maybe the fact that it wasn't green was what was so sad > about yellow.) Didn't the book "The Making Of 'Star Trek'" claim that Kirk never wore a green shirt and if it looked green it was just because your crappy TV showed green instead of banana? -- K. That's the book where Gene Roddenberry claimed that when Carl Sagan wrote the Drake equation, it was something like "ZxYf738J = XR7pQ31MzXXFq298R" with all the letters dotted with smiley faces. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 05:45:24 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, maybe some of you folks can answer this, it's been bugging me for > > a while. There was this show that was a parody of the early seasons > > of "Cops" -- where they followed the cops around both on the job and > > during their home life -- and it wasn't "Reno 911" (it was much earlier, > > like '92 or '93) > > Google says you're talking about an episode of "The Ben Stiller Show". > Yeah, I know it's not right, but it's the best I can do. I think it was about one season before "The Ben Stiller Show", possibly the same season. But no, I am not referring to the interminable "Cops In The ________ Historical Period" filler sketches that wrote themselves on "The Ben Stiller Show" between the actual funny stuff about how Bob Odenkirk may or may not be a robot and Ben Stiller wants to know all about how Scotty did that thing on that planet he went to. "The Ben Stiller Show" had a lot of brilliant stuff, but it also had a lot of pedestrian, repetitive stuff, which its successors "Mr. Show" and "The Andy Dick Show" managed to get away from. "The Ben Stiller Show" aired on Fox the same season as "The Edge" (which wasn't bad, and had Tom Kenny who would later be on "Mr. Show".) "The Edge" also had some unknown chick named Jennifer Aniston, and Wayne Knight screaming a lot, and the funnier of MTV's two Julie Browns. I think the show I'm trying to remember was either that same season, or the season before, based on which apartment's TV set I remember watching this stuff on. And I think I was in that apartment around '92 to '93. I could be off by a year or two. And so could these dates. > I don't even remember what they almost called "Reno 911" this season "Cancelled"? > (early commercials on Comedy Central had another name for the show, > but I've already forgotten what it was. [...]) "Nanny 911". > Ooh, ooh, tvguide.com says you might mean "Danger Theater" with Robert > Vaughan. Or possibly "357 Marina del Ray". Nope. This definitely wasn't a Robert Vaughn show, and I've never heard of the other. Nor was it the 1995 "Funky Squad", another one I never heard of and now it's too late. The one I have in mind was simply a very literal (no-budget) parody of "Cops" showing what the inept cops did before and after busting bad guys. I wish I knew what channel it was on. Since I didn't have cable then, I'm guessing it was probably either a Fox show or syndicated, since no real networks ever air parody series, unless they want to claim that "Happy Days" was a parody of "American Graffiti". -- K. Also, the TV series "M*A*S*H" was a parody of the movie "Catch-22". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:50:16 -0400 [on identifying a dimly-remembered "Cops" parody series] Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > I remember this show! > > It might have had "Bakersfield" in the title, or that could have been > a different, less subtle cop-themed show with Brian Doyle-Murray in it. Well, it sure wasn't "The Last Precinct" with Adam West. (That was circa 1985, it premiered immediately after the Super Bowl and still bombed. The world wasn't ready to even attempt to embrace a lame rip-off of the lame "Police Academy" movies.) > All I remember about it was the opening credits had some guy reluctantly > acknowledging that he was going to be filmed and on TV, and there was > an episode where they did the prostitution sting, where they have the > undercover cop in the motel room, and they make the prostitute explain > how she claims to know the undercover cop for five minutes before they > reveal that he was a cop the whole time. And the cop felt bad and > brought a cake to their house and she and her boyfriend told him to > piss off. I think I remember that episode! Well, at least now we know I wasn't just watching that private TV channel that the Dumont corporation beams directly into the center my brain. Anyway, someone with Internet access should go do an IMDB title or plot search on "Bakersfield" in case that's it. I'd do it, but I'm deep underground right now, on my way to Home Depot to buy a mercury-vapor bulb. -- K. If I buy several million of them, I can cut them open and fill my bathtub with shiny mercury! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 19:36:09 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I'm not one of those people who feels everyone has > > to enjoy the same movies and/or music. I learned at an early age that > > Fonzie became very uncool the moment he forced everyone in Arnold's > > to switch from listening to rock & roll to nothing but Tchaikovsky > > because Classical music is inherently better. > > yay! now I won't get in trouble for saying-- > > > Aww, on my TV right now, the Martians just exterminated Jack Black, > > in the second-worst movie ever based on a set of bubble-gum cards. > > --MARS ATTACKS IS MY FAVOURITEST JACK BLACK FILM EVER!!!1! That's fine, you can have any favorite Jack Black film you want, but you better keep your hands off Jack Black or you'll get in big bloody trouble. 'Cause he's my favoritest one in the disappointing movie. The frustrating thing about "Mars Attacks!" is that it contained the most promising collage of actors in a comedy since "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World". These are just the ones I've heard of: Jack Nicholson Jack Nicholson in a cowboy hat Glenn Close Annette Bening Pierce Brosnan smoking a pipe Danny DeVito Martin Short Sarah Jessica Parker and her nose Michael J. Fox Rod Steiger Tom Jones Jim Brown Lukas Haas Natalie Portman, whoever she is Pam Grier Lisa Marie and not her husband Sylvia Sidney Paul Winfield without the slug in his ear Rance Howard without Clint Howard Christina Applegate Joe Don Baker voice of Frank Welker, as required by law I mean, if a film stars two of Jack Nicholson, you want to like it, just like you tried to enjoy "The Witches Of Eastwick" because it had Jack Nicholson as the devil but it turned out to be more tedious than "The Devil's Rain" where Ernest Borgnine played Satan. And because it was based on bubble-gum cards, the movie was doomed, and as I once said, I suspect that this is one of those movies which was solely made because some producer thought "Hey, a weird- looking Vegas casino is scheduled for demolition, let's make a movie around it where the Martians conduct a controlled implosion of one old building." You know, like "Con Air". Furthermore, it's got an exclamation point! in its title! a sure sign! it sucks! The hotel they blow up in "Mars Attacks!" is the one from "Viva Las Vegas". I hope they never demolish Circus Circus, because then they'd have to film "Baby Geniuses Have Fear And Loathing In Damnation Alley", and I don't think I could handle seeing toddlers driving a tank while dropping acid. Also, the destruction of Circus Circus that would ruin my plans to film a remake of "The Blob" there. (The Blob would fill up that amorphous pink glass bubble behind the casino and nobody would notice.) Every time I try to enjoy "Mars Attacks!" I get bored and wander out of the room about 2/3 of the way through. It starts off pretty good, though, right up through both of Jack Black's only scenes. But then it gets dull except for that scene where Pierce Brosnan performs an actual alien autopsy and the scene where Rod Steiger screams "KILL! KILL!" I seem to recall that it ends with them playing this awful song, "Puberty Love", to make all the giant tomatoes explode. Except this one is wearing ear muffs so Gary Condit has to kill it. And then Wayne Newton packs them all back in the trash can where they live and make bubble gum cards and fudgy cookies. Then someone says "Look! A barking dog!" and we hear Frank Welker yelling "ARF! ARF! I AM A DOG'S VOICE! ARF! ARF! BOW-WOW!" -- K. Why wasn't I in "Mars Attacks"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kevins Bait Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 17:58:09 -0400 [generalized recipe rant I've been waiting for the opportunity to deploy] Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > I just purchased a cookbook compiled by a few hundred people here at > Medium Sized Insurance Concern. Here is a recipe that I just know Kevins > will love as much as I do. > > SWEET & SOUR STIR-FRY > > 1 T oil > 6 ounces Louis Rich ready to eat chicken strips > 1 can sliced water chestnuts > pea pods (several handfuls) > 1 T Pantai Pad Thai Sauce > 1 T cooking wine > 1 can pineapple chunks in heavy syrup, undrained > 6 packets of Equal > > Heat oil in a skillet. Add chicken, heat, then remove chicken. Add > veggies and cook until they are tender. Add sauce, pineapple, and salt. > Stir in Equal. This is why I don't follow cookbook recipes when I cook. I find such recipes to be ridiculously pedantic -- will it explode if I use actual chicken instead of pre-sliced, artificially-flavored Louis Rich(R) brand chicken? Can't I slice my own water chestnuts without hurting myself? Am I smart enough to figure out that I can substitute fake sugar for real sugar any time I want to? How come everything in the world is made from an integral number of tablespoons of this and an integral number of cups of that, instead of admitting that for some people the preferred value might be 1.4 cups and for others, 1.7 cups, and that this value might have to be determined by visual inspection halfway through the process because some pineapple is wetter? In my view, if you know how to cook meat (a prerequisite for any sort of cooking, with or without a recipe) all you need to know to approximate something you ate in a restaurant is a list of what's in it -- and if you can't figure that out by tasting it, either you need more practice eating food, or the thing doesn't have enough flavor to be worth eating. Basically, I feel that recipes are telling me not to use my own judgement about what I want to eat or how much, and yet they generally omit instructions for the difficult stuff, such as technique. (And which is supposed to be the "sour" half of "sweet & sour", the can of sugar syrup with lumps of boiled pineapple, or the packets of artificial sugar?) The recipes which bother me the most are the ones which claim to be simulations of mass-produced fast food, i.e. for making your own White Castle burgers, KFC chicken, or Louis Rich(R) brand extruded chicken strips. Even if you knew the exact quantities and proportions of chemicals in the restaurant's real secret formula, it still wouldn't come out exactly the same, because different people use different cooking techniques, and the restaurants have weird equipment to blowtorch the food in a consistent yet inhuman way. Cookbooks should be about how to cook, not what to cook. If I want there to be pineapple chunks in my pineapple chicken, I can figure that out, assuming I know whether or not I like the taste of pineapple. And if I forget that, a recipe won't help me. I know some people who, when their TV dinner's box says to preheat the oven for 5 minutes before putting the dinner in, actually set a timer for 5 minutes. Gas ovens and electric ovens cook much differently even when you preheat them, so how did the person who wrote the box psychically predict whether you have gas or electric? (With microwave directions they tend to give you elaborate multi-stage directions and then they admit, "Microwave ovens vary so adjust cooking time accordingly," because people find it comforting even to be given directions that admit they're useless. In some microwave ovens, your dinner will still be frozen in the middle if you follow the directions, and the difference between a gas oven and an electric oven is deeper than the difference between two sizes of microwave.) Someday I want to take one of those Always Follow The Directions people camping just to see them starve when they aren't willing to use their own judgement as to how long to hold the breakfast pan over the burning log. I think that part of the reason for the directions on the back of the TV dinner box is so that people can say "Yay! I'm cooking! Look, here's a recipe for how to make food out of this TV dinner!" Also the portions are so small. -- K. Don't get me started on how every single item in the supermarket is marked "ready to eat". Except maybe the toilet paper. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kevins Bait Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 19:45:17 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This is why I don't follow cookbook recipes when I cook. > > When did you start cooking at all? I thought your apartment was too > small to hold any pans. My apartment's big, it's just filled with stuff. I usually cook when I'm on a date in someone else's nice clean kitchen, because everyone but me owns more cookware but never uses it. I hate cleaning, some people hate cooking, so "I cook, you clean" works for me. > > Cookbooks should be about how to cook, not what to cook. > > THIS IS ROMBAUER AND BECKER FETISH AND YOUR KINK IS O.K. I never liked either of those sitcoms. > However, at my less imaginative times (if you can picture times even less > imaginative than when I am posting here), I find that I also want books > full of ideas for what to cook, so that I can then completely ignore two > or three recipes while combining ingredients from them into some new > thing. I agree, that's the best way to use cookbooks. I look at the pictures until I find the one that makes me the hungriest, then I figure out what I want to put in it instead of what they tell me to put in it. Usually that means leaving out any cheese, substituting better-tasting oils, adding more interesting vegetables, etc. The cookbooks I browse are usually printed in China or India so some experience is required to adapt the dishes to the equipment and ingredients that are locally available, as well as knowing how they expect some of the weirder ingredients to be treated. (An American cookbook won't explain how to peel an orange, it'll just say to start with "orange slices", so a Chinese cookbook will make similar assumptions that you know to peel the ginger.) One of the things I like about making curries etc. is that you can vary the quantities of (or even omit) some of the seasonings in a highly-seasoned dish without ruining it. I like things that have complicated flavors, and those are the ones where your own judgement about how to keep the flavors in balance (while meeting the spiciness preferences of your audience) is more important than matching the cookbook's measurements. Following the recipe of a real Indian cookbook is a recipe for disaster if you're going to be feeding average Americans. For those who might be looking for easy things to do, here are some ideas you can do at the drop of a hat even in someone else's kitchen, if you have the ingredients on hand: Currently the item I do that gets the best reviews is a fried rice featuring slices of Chinese sausage with hot pepper and grated coconut stuck to them, with garlic, green olives, peas, and spinach mixed into the rice. Fried rice is something where it comes out the most interesting if you make sure the seasonings stick to the lumpy items instead of just getting dispersed into the rice, so that the spots that have different texture also have different flavor. The recipe is based on items I've had at a couple of Asian restaurants, and being fried rice, the ingredients can be varied all over the place. The important thing is not to skimp on the hot pepper if you put coconut in your rice. Fried rice is really easy to cook, and if you have the time to do it right (boil the rice, put it in the fridge for at least two hours before you fry it) you can make it better than the restaurants do -- their fried rice usually isn't as clumpy because they don't have time to let it sit around in the fridge. (In China, the purpose of fried rice is to turn leftovers into a snack.) There are certain other items restaurants never do right which are great to learn to do at home. For instance, wild rice is seldom served in restaurants -- actual wild rice takes 40 to 60 minutes to boil, and if you overcook it it gets all weird-looking (I don't mind it overcooked, but restaurants couldn't serve it that way 'cause it looks like there are dead water striders curled up in your pilaf.) At home you can time the wild rice to take the correct amount of time to cook, while restaurants are limited to white rice because it can cook during your appetizer course, and will survive if they keep it warm in the rice cooker all evening. Wild rice takes too long and has to be served right when it's done. My standard side dish when I cook is a pilaf made from white rice, wild rice, brown lentils, and red lentils -- I go to the natural-food store and get small quantities of each from the bulk bins for a few cents, and just throw them all into the same pot at different times. And if people are used to canned soup, you can blow them away by making real soup, the kind where you simmer it for multiple hours. It's another one of those things which is ridiculously easy to do well (you can't screw up soup unless you put Dr Pepper in it.) Again, it's a matter of timing -- some parts of the soup you cook all day, but if it's noodle soup then you add the noodles later so they won't disintegrate. Rice and soup are ideal side dishes _because_ they take so long to cook that they let you focus on preparing the main course while they simmer. Plus people who only eat frozen food and fast food go ape if you make their apartment smell like chicken broth for two hours while they have to wait. It's fun. And it's really the easy things like that that are good to do on a date -- if you made a fancy pastry in their kitchen, there would be a lot more cleanup for not much more enjoyment. That's the sort of thing you'd only do in your own kitchen, a day in advance, and I prefer to cook in front of an audience. I'm not a great cook, but I know enough to impress people who "don't cook", and by the time I've dragged them to three different markets looking for the correct types of pea pods they're convinced I'm some sort of male version of Martha Stewart or Ted Allen. It's not about cooking anything fancy, it's about knowing how to exploit people's reactions. Same as any other art medium, it's not about putting the most effort possible into it -- it's about finding the most efficient way to get a good reaction for relatively little work. Art is manipulation of materials in order to get more compliments than you deserve. And be overt about it -- lay out the stuff on the plate in a "pretty" fashion like they do at overpriced restaurants (arrange the solid items in a pattern and then squirt three different sauces across in zig-zags) because the humans seem to like it when the same food is in a different arrangement. The shortcut is to find some delicious bottled sauces that have different attractive colors and you win! (Two-thirds of cooking for someone else is just learning enough about them to be able to predict what you can feed them. Then stock up on bottles of sauce that they'll like, and you'll get them addicted fast.) Anwyay, that's my philosophy. Now do I get my prize? -- K. I need to make one of those branding irons that will put my face on toast. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kevins Bait Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 00:56:31 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Fried rice is something where it comes out the most > > interesting if you make sure the seasonings stick to the lumpy items > > instead of just getting dispersed into the rice, > > How do you manage this? I make a pretty good fried rice, since I > figured out the fridge-it-first trick, and ceased to be afraid of oyster > sauce. But I can't figure out how to make the yummy pepper and coconut > stick to the sausage and not get all up in the rice. (Word.) Okay, so your rice has been in the fridge a while. Mix the sliced sausage, coconut, powdered hot pepper, and other dry seasonings (I use lemongrass powder, for instances) in a bowl and set it aside in the fridge for a few minutes. The sausage should be greasy enough that stuff'll stick to it, especially if you stir in a little bit of oil. Chop or grate your other vegetables (peas, spinach, garlic, and ginger were what I used last time -- couldn't find any pea pods that were acceptable) and put 'em in a bowl. Now get your pan oiled up and heated (remember, it's a little sesame oil plus about three times as much regular oil) then at the appropriate moment throw in a handful from each of your rice, meat, and veggie bowls. Obviously the handfuls from the rice bowl should be bigger. If you don't have a wok, limit yourself to frying relatively small amounts at a time, as it's hard to flip wads of rice if a frying pan is packed full. Don't stir the rice, flip it, if you can. Using a spatula to lift and flip a clump at a time works. Cook until the rice starts to brown. Some of the seasoning will come off when you cook and flip the rice, but that's okay, enough will stay stuck to the sausage to make it come out nice and flavorful instead of just sugary. (For those who don't know, Chinese sausage is very sweet, i.e. bacon plus sugar.) Don't be stingy with the hot pepper, because you're adding it to rice (bland), coconut (sweet), and sausage (sweet). You can use quantities of hot pepper that would otherwise cause people to jump out the window without this getting too spicy because of all that rice mellowing it out. > Also, spaghetti sauce. Super easy to make, and you can impress > everyone, even if you use canned tomatoes. I always start from tomato paste. There's something about concentrating (or drying) and then rehydrating tomatoes that gives them that really tangy flavor I like (not to mention it makes the sauce such a dark color.) My specialty's puttanesca (green & black olives, capers, and celery), my secret is to add finely-grated carrots to both thicken the sauce and reduce any bitterness the other ingredients might give. (Carrots absorb and neutralize bitter, and if you grate them really small they make a good texture enhancement too.) If you have to use olives with the fake orange pimento loaf inside, pick out and throw away the little orange Play-Doh bits, all they'd add to the sauce would be extra saltiness and bitterness. (If you need soggy pimentos, you can buy real pimentos in little jars, or get "salad olives" which include actual pimento bits, just not inside. Or buy an actual hot pepper that hasn't already been boiled three times.) I don't get why some people say "ick" whenever I add black olives. I'd think that if you could handle a green olive (which is very salty) you could handle a black olive (which has a much more mellow flavor.) Black olives are practically candy, I can eat a whole can as a snack. > >And if people are used to canned soup, you can blow them away by > >making real soup, the kind where you simmer it for multiple hours. > > This is true, kids. Listen to your father. > I just impressed the hell out of everyone with a 16 bean soup that > couldn't have been easier. I would never serve 16-bean soup to Kibologists, because then all the dinner conversation would consist of people competing to see who can count all the beans first. Also, they'd know you could buy bags of 16 beans at the market, so it'd have to be something like 31 beans. Don't forget to stain 1 in every 10 beans with beet juice so you can play "Roman Army Morale Officer". -- K. After that nobody'll complain about getting fava beans for dinner. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kevins Bait Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 05:24:04 -0400 TomH (address@my.sig) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I don't get why some people say "ick" whenever I add black olives. > > I'd think that if you could handle a green olive (which is very salty) > > you could handle a black olive (which has a much more mellow flavor.) > > Black olives are practically candy, I can eat a whole can as a snack. > > I'll be right over. Warm up the can opener. Okay, I'm putting the can opener in the brazier so that by the time you get here it should be glowing at least orange-hot. If you want ultraviolet-hot, give me some extra time to pack enough Tesla coils into the microwave oven to cause a space-time rift opening up a portal into The Dimension That's Really, Really Hot and I'll put on my Super-Asbestos glove and stick the can opener into the rift for precisely 3.1416 seconds so that it'll glow so bright that it'll melt your eyeballs if you even consider looking at it. > "Black olives" are not so easily found around here. Unless > you like the supermarket variety that taste like drywall > compound. Ethnic specialty stores carry tastier varieties. The Super 88 Supermarket has many types of the weird Asian interpretations of olives, which are usually dried and/or candied and not steeped in salty, copper-gluconate-laced brine the way the delicious ones from normal supermarkets are. For some reason, Asians consider olives to be fruit like cherries and raisins, when we here in Normal America understand that olives are really just squishy ellipsoids of unknown origin bobbing in a big jar of black dye, each with a tiny "X" on one side an an "O" on the other. > I find it easiest to go Kalamata and pick up the 2 KG barrel > at Costco. Pit them with a cherry pitter and add huge > quantities to put the putana in your putanesca. Over there, do they still use the classic sizing system where the tiny ones are "Large" and the small ones are "giant" and the regular ones are "Ultra-Gigundo Amazing Colossal Manly Man Size"? -- K. Well, I'm hungry now. You're mean! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kevins Bait Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 21:14:28 -0400 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > the panty cat pads in on thigh sauce feet > > it sits looking > over system 7 finder > on sosumi file forks > and then moves on. Hey, your haiku doesn't rhyme. Or have the right number of anapests. Or mention a man from Nansquicket who kept in his pocket a cricket. Or use only six-letter words. And now, I will demonstrate my own awesome linguismatastical skills by writing a poem which rhymes perfectly, has a uniform meter, and doesn't drone on and on forever like Shakespeare: JAMES "KIBO" PARRY PRESENTS A POEM: UNTITLED POEM TITLED "UNTITLED", THE FIRST POEM IN A LIMITED SERIES OF 50,000 Eat meat! THIS POEM IS COPYRIGHT (C) 2005 JAMES "KIBO" PARRY ALL RIGHTS RESERVED -- TODOS LOS DERECHOS RESERVADOS. IF YOU WANT TO FILM A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE BASED ON ON MY POEM, LICENSING FEES START AT FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS. I BET YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THE EXTRA WORD IN THE THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE BECAUSE EVERYONE IN THE WORLD EXCEPT FOR FOR ME ALWAYS FALLS FOR THAT TRICK. HAW HAW, I AM SO SO SMART. See? World's shortest and therefore best poem. All other things being equal, this poem is better because if everything else is equal then all the other stuff in the Universe is just the same as all the other stuff in the Universe and therefore more boring than me. -- K. Note that my last sentence of capitals began with an even simpler two-word poem using the rhyme scheme "A=A". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: rec.food.baking,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: rec.food.baking (meta) Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 20:08:11 -0400 In rec.food.baking and alt.religion.kibology, Roy (rbasan7@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...blah blah blah...] > > Helping somebody is the same, either its an old or feeble person to > cross the street or just a hapless cooking enthusiast looking for > answers to his/her cookery related questions. You're mean. Just because old people are all old and feeble and stuff is no reason you should try to relocate them all to the opposite side of your street. Also, why are you talking about cooking? Rec.food.baking is for baking. Cooking is over in rec.food.cooking. There's no rec.food.frying, so don't try to talk about making your own KFC or the Internet Police will arrest you before you've even finished asking what the Colonel's eleven secret herbs and spices are. -- K. (At least one of them is fish scales. Now you know why they're secret.) P.S. Does anyone know how they get the bones into the Animal 57 before frying it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: rec.food.baking,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: rec.food.baking (meta) Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 01:30:49 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. Does anyone know how they get the bones into the > > Animal 57 before frying it? > > After being "processed" into a non-living state, and has been > set in forms representing the various shapes needed, and before > the "meat" gels, they press simulated calcium-based "bones" into > the carcass pieces. Different forms get different "bones". I'd love to see the fancy machine they use to take the bones out again before they make the popcorn chicken. Someone should invent popcorn popcorn. You'd pop some corn, then chop it up into little bits, then batter the bits and deep-fry them. But would popcorn chicken fried steak be a popcorn-chicken-style fried steak, or a popcorn-style chicken fried steak? > Which is what makes eating KFC so fun - trying to find the 1 > "breast" shape that has a "thigh bone" in it ! This one time I was eating at KFC and I found a drumstick with an entire horse in it. But it turned out to be just an animal cracker so when I asked the manager whether he thought I should sue him he said no. -- K. Is there a recipe for making Necco wafers at home from common household porcelain ashtrays? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More weird shit I got in the post today Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 20:24:38 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > I donut remember if I told you all kibolophiles about my > > invitations to the Spanish embassy and the Irish Embassy, but I > > remember I mentioned the "Marquis Who's Who" junk mail. Was that from the real "Marquis Who's Who", or the other one of the same name run by Oprah Winfrey? > > This morning to my desk at work (at the SEKRIT DEATH FACTORY) was > > delivered a big envelope containing an invite from Ken > > Livingstone, Mayor of London, to attend the Mayor's Irish > > Scoieties Reception. Hey, I don't believe you work at the Secret Death Factory -- how come I've never seen you there? If you really do work at the Secret Death Factory, prove it: What are the eight reasons not to touch this large-diameter tungsten rod? > > It would all make more sense if I had the slightest documented > > dropperino of Irish boold, or if I had been a member of any > > identifiably Irish society since leaving the Dhahran Hurling Club > > (Cumann Naomh Abdullah). > > > > I shan't go, but it's nice to get unexpected invites to random > > odd things from time to time. > > Big deal-- I get invitations ALL THE TIME from people wanting me to > meet them behind a bar, or with pistols at dawn, or to leave town and > never come back and I don't go. Mang, you never see ME posting about > them to ARK! Meet me behind the bar and I'll give you something to post about. Be sure to bring your wimpy little tungsten rod. > Then again, you're Engerlish, so la-di-dah, la-di-dah. > I'll bet when the QUEEN of Engerland invites you to Balmoral to FOX > HUNT with him and Camilla, you'll go THEN, won't you?! But you won't > go to ANYTHING IRISH, will you? I live in a city which has billboards supporting the IRA, so I have all the advantages of living in Ireland without the disadvantage of having England next door. However, I never get invited to any of those Irish Societies Receptions. Nor would they let the Queen march in our local St. Patrick's parade. As a result, I do not expect to ever get invited to go fox hunting, especially as the royals know I'd embarrass them by exterminating all the foxes so that people in England would all say "Ha ha, the Royal Family isn't even any good at killing cute little critters. So we think Kibo should be king instead. Or if not Kibo, John Goodman." Whatever happened to John Goodman? Did he die or something? Or did he just become so typecast as a regular guy that he became invisible amid a sea of actual regular guys? -- K. Now head for the alley while I get my tungsten Giant H. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Trivia Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 01:42:13 -0400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > A local bar has this team trivia competition on Wednesday nights where you > can win a bar tab if your team happens to get the most correct answers to > their obscure questions. Tonight, the team looked to me (well, me and > another geek) to the answer for the question: > > In Chatrooms, what does the angry signoff BIOYIOP mean? According to Google, it has only been said on the Web about 1,900 times, and all of those 1,900 mentions are on pages titled "HERE IS A HANDY LIST OF INTERNET CUTESYISMS SUITABLE FOR FILLING UP HALF A PAGE IN CRAPPY NEWSPAPERS." I think even "NGETTAMTAMD" gets said more often. > I didn't have the slightest idea but took a stab at it. An incorrect stab. I'm rooting for it to be an angry stab! We must stamp out fake Internet jargon. > So just how common is this allegedly well known term? Anyone? Buelher? Don't make me do my Ben Stein impression, 'cause once I start, I tend to do it for weeks at a time. > We still came in second and added another $50 to our accumulated bar tab, > but the full $100 tab would have been a nice addition. Oh, NGETTAMTAMD. -- K. I bet Ben Stein would have gotten it right. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Durian Ice Cream Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 01:52:48 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > [http://www.radaronline.com/web-only/style-slave/2005/05/they-all-scream.php] > -> > -> Flavor: DURIAN > -> Provenance: Polly Ann's, San Francisco, California. > -> Mason: A kind word would be wretched. You get this from Spice Market? > -> Pichet will say it's not as good as his. > -> Ong: The taste is not horrible, but I make mine stronger. It should > -> be chunky with bits of durian. > -> Molly, age 6: Ew. It looks like dog pee. I'm not tasting it. > -> Alexander, age 10: That's fart ice cream, isn't it? > -> Thelonious, age 7: I'm poisoned! I'm poisoned! > -> Thelonious's mom: Did you just poison my child? "The taste is not horrible, but I make mine stronger" means "Needs more durian because it doesn't yet smell like cat puke." Durians don't taste as bad as they smell, but on the other hand I can think of 473,000 other flavors I'd rather find in my ice cream, from asafetida to zwieback. So what's a "style slave"? Is that someone who follows three paces behind you carrying a stopwatch to alert you the second your clothes are no longer trendy enough to warrant keeping a style slave? And how long do they live if you feed them nothing but durian ice cream? -- K. And where can I buy that mythical fart ice cream? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: tj Frazir sightings Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 02:37:06 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) offered someone another zillion imaginary dollars: > > post a bank number and ill just direct deposit it. > open an account for it idiot. > I dont nead your name ,,just a set of numbers. Do the numbers have to be a matched set, like your IQ and shoe size? > if not this week you will be waiting till I get back from hk then the > next week. Gee, why doesn't your WebTV work in Hong Kong? Is it that they don't have the Web, or they don't have TVs? Maybe you could make a few bucks by bringing modern technology like the WebTV to Hong Kong. -- K. Also, you misspelled "ideit". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (new for June 2005): Spot's Indifferent Assertion Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 03:05:17 -0400 Spot's Indifferent Assertion Copyright (c) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry "I don't really care that 'indifferent' may or may not be spelled correctly in the title of this story," said Spot languidly. "I figure it's probably one or the other but I really don't care 'cause it's just a stupid word." Then he fell asleep on top of the nuclear bomb he was supposed to be guarding, and in the morning, it woke him up by vaporizing him and most of the surrounding city. "Waah! I've been vaporized!" whined a tiny wisp of vapor. But nobody heard him because they were all busy being dead. So the wisp of vapor drifted over the border into Canada, which had an anti-nuclear-weapon defense program which stopped all radiation at the border. Vapor Spot floated to Toronto and swirled around inside the Bata Shoe Museum. "I thought the Shoe Museum was going to have interesting stuff, but it turns out it's just shoes!" said Spot, before getting absorbed by the Odor-Eaters in Elton John's "Pinball Wizard" boots. Spot cried! It was his shortest adventure ever. THE END! "Hey, I just heard something end!" Einstein dropped his Sunday newspaper comics section and put on his best rumpled hat. "Now's my time to shine!" Einstein Shows Up Unexpectedly Copyright (c) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry "Whee!" screamed Einstein as he slid down his Einstein-pole and hopped into his Einstein-mobile to race to where the narrator was still describing what was happening to Spot even though Spot had ceased to exist. Unfortunately, Einstein didn't get very far because he forgot the Einstein-mobile was just a cardboard box where "SALTINE CRACKERS" was crossed out and "NOT SALTINE CRACKERS" was scrawled on it in crayon. And then each of the "E"s had been crossed out and replaced with "mc^2". Einstein sat in his cardboard box, sweating with the exertion of trying to make it go. His sweat seeped into the cardboard box until it collapsed and he fell out. "Ow, I hit my head where my face doesn't cover! I better find another way of getting to where everyone can hear what I'm doing! I know, I'll put on those super-tall Elton John boots so I can take six-foot strides!" He reached up towards the Spot story but his arm accidentally brushed against "THE END!", killing him instantly. THE END! When Batman showed up to investigate the sudden death of Einstein (as detected on his Bat-Einstein-Death-Detector), he picked up the newspaper Einstein had dropped. Because it was the current edition, it now said that Einstein had died, and also that this story was now titled Batman's Montezuma's Revenge Copyright (c) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry "Uh oh!" gasped Batman. "It seems I'm going to have a bad case of Montezuma's Revenge! This must be the work of my old arch-enemy, The Diarrheonator!" He quickly began to wrap his abdomen in Bat-Aluminum Foil to keep out any anti- continence rays. Meanwhile, his sidekick Robin finished licking the crime scene for fingerprints. "Einstein's house tastes gross!" said Robin while making a face Batman didn't like to see him making, so Batman put up the Bat-Folding-Robin-Blocker to hide Robin's sour puss. But this meant he couldn't see the nuclear shock wave from Spot's death approaching them and was not able to yell "HOLY HYDROGEN! A DEADLY BLAST IS APPROACHING US! QUICK, BATMAN, DUCK BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S MOVING AT ALMOST THE SPEED OF LIGHT!" Batman was blasted off the face of the Earth, but the Bat-Folding-Robin-Blocker saved Robin's life. Robin looked around. Everything had been destroyed. Except for the Batmobile. The nuclear blast had just changed it from a really cool Batmobile into a cardboard box with "MONUMENT TO EINSTEIN'S GREATEST AUTOMOTIVE INVENTION" written on it in crayon. Robin didn't like this at all! He reached into his utility belt to see if he could find a "THE END!" pill to stop the story here. Unfortunately, the night before, Batman had filled Robin's utility belt with warm sour cream. Robin's hand was all goopy! "Well," said Robin, "At least I won't starve to death." He licked his fingers and then immediately died of Batman's Montezuma's Revenge. THE END! -- K. NOW GET OFFA MY LAWN! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Cure For Gay Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 03:14:31 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> In 1982, they held a marriage ceremony and lived together until > > -> Cooper died nine years later. > > > > And then he moved in with David Cross. And they went on a > > Big Gay Boat Party. With heavy-metal band Titanica. And then > > they gave a live stage show with a filmed cameo by Andy Dick. > > (Andy Dick couldn't appear in person because that would have > > made "Mr. Show" too gay.) > > Way to riff on that line about the dead guy. But you misspelled > "Wyckid Scepter", and probably so did I. "Wyckyd Scyptyre", "Titanica", they're the same guys in the same wigs, it's just that they're "Titanica" when they're talking to David Cross dressed as a happy wet cigar and "Wyckyd Scyptyre" the rest of the time. I probably spelled it wrong too but I'm too lazy to look it up because if I knew how to spell it it would be easier to look it up. > > -> "The desires never go away," Bussee said. "After dealing with > > -> hundreds of people, I have not met one who went from gay to > > -> straight. Even if you manage to alter someone's sexual behavior, > > -> you cannot change their true sexual orientation." > > > > That's not what the orange juice commercials explained to Olive Oyl! > > Wait a minute. If people can go from straight to gay, as you've > previously indicated is possible, why not backwards? Even by > accident? I think it's _only_ possible by accident. > Have you noticed even one regular who isn't coming to the Dark > Noisy Bar anymore now that the Doublemint twins are back? They have a Hershey's Krackel in dark chocolate now? > Are they starting an "ex-straight ministry" and hiring Brian > Posehn to gay him back up? <-- Another Mr. Show reference!!!1 Yeah, well, I am not a robot, or something, NO YOU SHUT UP! It's fun to just paste together references to other people's comedy. Now let's dress up like those guys from "Casablanca" so we can re-enact that scene where Humphrey Bogart shoved the grapefruit into the face of that other guy from "Casablanca", you know, the one who did the voice of Gomez Addams in the cartoons. -- K. YOU ARE NOT "KUNG FU"! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Brian Posehn (was: The Cure For Gay) (-- no he wasn't) Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 03:23:15 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Oh yeah, and I'm not sure if I mentioned this but if Brian Posehn > doesn't read ark he probably should. Or shouldn't. I mean, I'm > not saying he should be funny for free or anything. There was even a whole thread a few years ago about how I could never remember his name until I gave him the finger and now I can. So that's why he should show up here and give all of us the finger to see if that makes all of us forget his name and then we could recycle the whole thread to save all the work of having to write more sentences like this one, period carriage return. It's called a "carriage return" because in the olden days it took a team of four horses to pull your computer screen all the way back to the left so you could draw the next letter on it with your lump of coal. Fortunately, Abraham Lincoln saw that there had to be a better way, but unfortunately, the solution was lost in the fierce gun battle he waged when he was defending his other invention, Mayostard, or was it Mustardayonnaise? I can't remember every detail of everything Tom Kenny ever did, even though I really do like that one cartoon where Sponge Bob was played by video footage of a plain kitchen sponge held up by a little stick. -- K. (Zoom in on the inside of Brian Posehn's head. Tom Kenny, in an old Army jacket and wearing a Mohawk, says "I AM BRIAN POSEHN'S PSYCHOPATHIC DISORDER!" and shoots everyone.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The most horrifying thing ever seen on TV! Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 04:40:13 -0400 It was on ABC's "Supernanny" tonight. Nanny Jo -- a very serious Englishwoman built like Danny DeVito -- was sitting in a chair. With her legs crossed. You see where I'm going with this, right? Already, your brain is beginning to curdle... Sitting with her legs crossed. In a short skirt. And for some reason the cameraman had chosen to plant the camera directly in front of the chair, below knee level. I think the American viewing public was about a quarter of an inch away from seeing whether Nanny Jo wears underpanties. WHY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY WERE WE SO NEARLY EXPOSED TO THAT? I'm assuming the cameraman had something against Nanny Jo and chose to film her from that angle specifically to humiliate her. Of course low angles of the Supernanny are one of the more obvious ways the narrative of this show is constructed (making her look big and powerful as she must appear to the kids) but come on, someone saw her sitting with her legs crossed and said, "Hey, let's go 'Basic Instinct' on her!" This could only have been done because some evil cameraman dislikes Jo, or perhaps has a thigh fetish, or perhaps is being paid by the Communists to sicken all Americans. The cameraman who took that shot, and the editor who chose to air it, should both be put on a Naughty Spot at the center of the Sun until they're very sorry. PLEASE, ABC, NO MORE NANNY SUPERCROTCH CAMSHOTS. NO MORE SUPERUPNANNYSKIRTS, NO MORE UPSUPERSKIRTNANNIES, AND NO MORE "FIND THE MANOMETER" EXHIBITS. -- K. The only way this show could be grosser is if it featured Nanny Michael Jackson. Brrr! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The most horrifying thing ever seen on TV! Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 05:19:35 -0400 A short while ago, I wrote: > > It was on ABC's "Supernanny" tonight. > > Nanny Jo [...] Sitting with her legs crossed. In a short skirt. > > [...] > > I think the American viewing public was about a quarter of an inch > away from seeing whether Nanny Jo wears underpanties. > > WHY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY WERE WE SO NEARLY EXPOSED TO THAT? I'm now glad I saw that. You ask why? Because immediately afterwards was some wimpy little TV Land documentary about how gay people like sitcoms. It began by having a bunch of people declare matter-of-factly that all gay men worship Bea Arthur, Delta Burke, and Roseanne Barr. That claim nearly made me turn straight on the spot, but fortunately the horrifying image of Nanny Joe's nannypantyzone had already been burned into my brain, so now I'm just disgusted. As far as my feelings about Delta Burke et al go, my favorite moment from "Sledge Hammer!" has always been the scene where Dr. Arthur Deco (Richard Moll) builds a robot designed to prevent any human from watching "Designing Women". I should add that when I shave and take off my glasses, I turn into Richard Moll as Billy Bob Thornton as Richard Moll as me. I got that real big tall Richard Moll skull. That "Sledge Hammer!" episode also featured Armin Shimerman and Sid Haig. Once at the Museum Of Science I had my head turned into Armin Shimerman's. Unlike me and Richard Moll and me and Armin Shimerman, I have no connection with Sid Haig, even though he became a relationship counselor after a long career of being the evil dictator of twenty-eight different countries on "Mission: Impossible". My theory is that for that episode of "Sledge Hammer!" they called up Central Casting and said "This is a weird comedy, so send us three actors with weird-shaped faces!" -- K. I guess Gene Rayburn was busy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: CNN interviews Ted Turner on the subject of CNN on Ted Turner on CNN Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 05:41:08 -0400 [www.macon.com] -> -> Turner: CNN focuses too much on perverts So he wants it to be more like "Cops", where the perverts are blurry? -> CNN should cover international news and the environment, not the -> "pervert of the day," network founder Ted Turner said Wednesday -> as the first 24-hour news network turned 25. Hey, you can't be a pervert for just a day! It's a lifetime commitment! You know, like being married to Barbarella. -- K. You marry Jane Fonda just once and you're marked for life, even if none of your other wives is a Communist porn star in outer space. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More wrestling personae for Clans. Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 20:53:43 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > Is it still schadenfreude if you feel kind of guilty about it? > > > I don't feel like I ever get the full benefit of schadenfreude > > > because I'm always thinking, "Ha! He *so* deserved that! > > > Uh, but I shouldn't judge others. And he's not really that bad > > > of a guy..." > > > > You're not very good at schadenfreude if you get caught up in who > > deserves what. > > Yeah, that was my point. I'm bad at schadenfreude. I need > schadenfreude lessons. Well, you're not going to get them from me, because I enjoy seeing you suffering from feelings of inadequate schadenfreudianism. Schadenfreude is the lazy person's sadism. To do it right, you've got to get off the couch and make something happen! Otherwise you're going to spend your whole life watching reruns of "Cops". > [...] I'm also the person who got really upset at a commercial > a long time ago, with an animated teddy bear cookie jar that got > SO SAD when he had no cookies inside him because the family > ABANDONED HIM for another snack. I mean, it had it all -- sad cute > critter, unjust turmoil, and cookies. I didn't watch TV for a year. But did you eat that brand of cookies during that year? And did you resume watching TV because the supermarket ran out of them? My strategy for dealing with commercials is that I throw them all into this little bin in the bottom of my TiVo, where once every five years I have to empty out this tiny compressed block of stupid. I would recycle it, but I don't think the world needs any more blue margarine. -- K. Gotta go, I need to iron the creases in my cop uniform. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Sensory Loft? Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 21:39:19 -0400 [www.boston.com] -> -> THIS STORY HAS BEEN FORMATTED FOR EASY PRINTING -> -> Contracts help preschoolers learn how they should behave -> -> By Barbara F. Meltz, Globe Staff -> -> Five-year-old Isaiah Anderson sometimes hits, kicks, and screams, -> behaviors that would get him expelled at many preschools. At Tufts -> Educational Day Care in Somerville, it got him a signing ceremony -> in director Janet Zeller's office. With teachers and his mom as -> witnesses, here's what he agreed to: -> -> ''I, Isaiah Anderson, know how to listen to my teachers. When my -> teachers talk to me, I will not scream, try to hit, or say you're -> not my boss. If I do any of these things, I will go to the sensory -> loft so I can slow down my heart. I am an expert at using the -> sensory loft to slow down my heart. This is hard work but I know I -> can do it." What's a Sensory Loft? Is it a sensory-deprivation chamber or a sensory-overstimulation chamber? Or is it sensory deprivation on one side and overstimulation on the other to make you tip over? I want one. Unless it's just some sissy thing like the Harmony Hut from "Addams Family Values", in which case I'm just going to stay home and practice doing my light bulb trick. -> Zeller's office walls are filled with contracts like these, -> promises 3-, 4- and 5-year-olds formulate with their teachers to -> learn how to control behaviors that get them in trouble and make -> them feel bad. They call it ''being the boss of your own body." My favorite Massachusetts State Police billboard said something like that. "BE THE BOSS OF YOUR OWN BODY -- BEFORE WE DO." Not in those exact words, but with the same insinuation of enslavement and colon searches. -> Like many children who struggle with impulse control, Isaiah has -> learned that when he is upset, frustrated, or angry, it's as if -> he's a car and the engine is out of control. It's not safe to -> drive. The car -- Isaiah -- might get hurt, or it might hurt -> others. But his body gives him a signal. When his heart beats fast -> and he's not exercising, his engine is out of control. He can fix -> it by going to the loft, where over-size pillows, cuddly blankets, -> sound blockers, and sunglasses are among the props a teacher helps -> him use to calm himself so he can rejoin the activity. "YAY! I'VE BEEN A BAD BOY SO NOW I GET TO WEAR SUNGLASSES!" Also, I imagine the Sensory Loft looking just like the inside of Jeanie's bottle. -> It could be a skill that will last a lifetime. Even if not, it is -> likely to keep him from being expelled. "If I get expelled, do I get to keep the sunglasses?" -> [...] -> -> Time is critical to turn a child around. When a child at Zeller's -> preschool has a contract, it can take a month or a year before -> there is yet another ceremony: removal of the contract, a joyful -> celebration that says: ''You did it!" "Now I never have to be good again! Also I can mix single and double quotes!" -> Some children want to tear up the contract, some want to take it -> home. Zeller suspects Isaiah will be in the latter category. Almost -> daily, he brings his contract out of his cubby to read with teacher -> Aimee Ellingwood. -> -> ''My contract makes me happy," he tells her. ''I like it. It helps me." He hasn't yet learned to read the really tiny print at the bottom that signed him up for AT&T long-distance service. -- K. I don't have to honor any contracts because I once signed one where it said I did not need to honor any other contracts ever again. And all I had to give in exchange for that was... A HUMAN SOUL! PROBABLY YOURS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This NY Times article is not "funny ha-ha", more like "funny oh shut the fuck up." Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 05:13:39 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > To save you folks the trouble of watching Jay, Dave, or Conan tonight: > > > > > > yadda yadda yadda Star Jones? > > > > yadda yadda yadda yadda ate him. > > I've always wanted to attend a party that died down around 10:35, so > that I could propose a game of "Guess the Jay Leno punchline". It would be harder to guess what the "yadda yadda yadda" part is. If Jay Leno starts off, "President Bush said yadda yadda yadda..." Even Brett Somers could guess that this will be the punchline: "...because he's stupid!" The hard part is guessing the "yadda yadda yadda" part before Jay tells you what word the President used in a sentence today. To sum up all recent politics in this country from the point of view of TV: From 1976 to 1980, the President liked peanuts. The Vice President wasn't even interesting enough to make fun of. From 1980 to 1988, the President was senile. The Vice President was a wimp. From 1988 to 1992, the President was inarticulate. The Vice President was stupid. From 1992 to 2000, the President was fat, and horny. The Vice President was so completely normal that it made him a tremendous nerd. From 2000 to 2008, the President was stupid, and the Vice President was evil. From 2008 to 2037, the President was on goofballs, and the Vice President smelled like vinyl. From 2037 to 20??, the Emperor had PMS, and the Minister Of Destructovision was a very, very, very nice person who would never hurt anyone who mentioned how handsome and intelligent he was. From 20?? to 20XX, during the Nth Calendar Shift caused by the YSomethingK Problem, the Matter Emperor was gaseous, and the Antimatter Emperor was multi-plasmonic. From 20XX to the Era Of Eternal Dissolution, all life everywhere in the Universe fused into one bodiless energy being, who was simultaneously stupid and a nerd. > How come all the stand-up I'm seeing on Comedy Central has some > racial component? Even white comics are doing it now. Yes, but white comics tell their jokes like _this_, while black comics tell their jokes like _this_, and Asian comics use their chopsticks to hold up the joke like _this_, and people from the Antimatter Emperor's multi-plasmonic dimension tell jokes in Universes that are shaped like _this_... -- K. It's too bad you can't see my hands, I'm gesturing in a really funny direction outside of space and time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: apology about that gay thing Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 06:01:26 -0400 [...some discussion I came in late for...] Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > [...] > > So I got miffed at Kibo, which, really, is not all that difficult to > accomplish, and I would just like to say that I'm really not too smart to > like gay men. Oh, whatever. The choice is yours! If being not smart is what it takes to make you a fag hag, you're allowed. Just choose one or the other. Just remember, if you become a fag hag, you can never be smart again. You'll have to date pairs of married men while watching "The Benny Hill Show". Or, if you choose to be smart, you can never again be a fag hag. You'll have to lust after men who don't know where anything in the supermarket is. And you'll go crazy using your brain power to explain to them over and over that the veggies are always in the front because they're pretty and the milk and bread are always in the back so that you have to go past all the other stuff to get to them except in the Prudential Shaw's where the market is all back so everything is equidistant from you at all times due to the warped Riemannian geometry caused by that aisle with the branch in it. > I'm sorry I said I was smart about something. You know, I really should have a spot in my .signature for famous quotations... > I was just very angry after watching 10 minutes of Benny "World's Least > Funny Man" Hill pretend to not be gay while butchering the delivery of > every joke in the world. Hey, he was actually funny for at least 3% of each hour-long episode he did on Thames in the 1970s! He was, however, 104% not funny during his '50s-'60s BBC series and his '80s HBO series. And yes, I've seen them all. I have the good episodes from the '70s completely memorized. This is why I am occasionally heard to hum a medley of "Yakety Sax" and "Mah-Na-Mah-Na" while slapping bald people around. How dare they be bald! Always confusing me with their heads that look exactly like breasts under highly contrived circumstances! If you were straight you'd get Benny Hill. I bet you also don't like all those people who stole their entire acts verbatim from Benny Hill, such as Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton and Laurel and Hardy. Such rampant plagiarism, yet they couldn't even be bothered to copy the two pieces of music that played eighty-four times an episode. I think the first "SCTV" box set is the one which has Dave Thomas starring in "The Benny Hill Street Blues". It's hideous yet brilliant. How could Benny Hill have been bad if he inspired a parody that smart? -- K. dee dee dee deedle-dee-dee dee dee dee, dee dee dee deedle-dee-dee deedle-dee-dee-dee... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New species discovered Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 07:07:01 -0400 Stop the presses! A new species of packing peanut has been discovered! We're all familiar with the classic '70s-style "8" peanuts, as well as the "S", "C", "H", "L", "E", and "3" variants. Well, yesterday I received an eBay item packaged in a box which had originally been mailed from China, and I don't remember what was in the box, what was important was that it had interesting packing peanuts! These exotic foreign peanuts are rotationally-symmetric trilobites, with three pseudopodia at 120 degrees apart. Basically, they're fat "Y"s. Like starfish that got bored and stopped after growing the first three arms. As part of my taxonomic research, I shall now diagram the correspondence between packing peanuts and other Styrofoam-like food items: packing peanut styrofood it's shaped like -------------- -------------------------- 8 C3POs cereal S Stella D'Oro Breakfast "Treat" C Burger King Croissan'wich H Giant H On A Stick L Lbow Macaroni E Penrose's Impossible Widget Chews 3 New Two-Calorie Threes Y Bootleg Meow Mix Now With Wishbones For Choking On However, scientists cannot agree whether it is possible for there to be other packing peanuts such as "G"s or "Q"s. This will be resolved once they settle the question of whether Alpha-Bits is allowed to be 26 different letters of packing peanuts or just a cereal which kids only think they want to eat. There are also Styrofoam peanuts shaped like hollow hemispheres, which obviously correspond to Quisp cereal, except they're not a letter of the alphabet so they pose a problem and thus must be ignored. And then there are those puffy ones which look like white Cheetos but taste like nothing -- the ones made from corn starch so they'll dissolve when you flush them instead of just floating out to sea to become part of The Great Sargasso Beanbag Chair. -- K. What do they use for packing peanuts on high-gravity planets? Grapeshot or just rocks? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New species discovered Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:54:45 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > Er, no, libraries *should* smell like sekrit herbs and > > spices, because it masks the smell of pee. > > oh dear god! i don't go to the stacks very often, but there > is one floor that really *does* smell like pee. So I assume it's a one-floor library? > it's disgusting! and don't get me started on the bathrooms. > i could rant about people who don't know how to flush or wash > their hands, but who wants to hear that? what i *will* rant > about is the number of people who do not even use TP. ick! > there's nothing quite like realizing that the person in the > next stall is zipping up their jeans and YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THE > TP DISPENSER MAKE A SINGLE NOISE. THIS IS LISTENING QUIETLY FETISH I now imagine you sitting on the toilet bowl with your legs drawn up like Violet in "9 to 5" wearing a big pair of headphones attached to one of those parabolic microphone guns and a reel-to-reel tape recorder from Target's Peter Graves collection. Oh shoot, I just got on the bus leaving Target and realized that I forgot to get any self-destruct refills for my tape recorder. Also I didn't see any of those magical latex Halloween masks that allow Leonard Nimoy to fit his big bony head inside Larry Linville's chinless little head. I think he also had those special kinky boots that make you shorter. To sum up, is there a library that doesn't smell like urine and isn't filled with fart gas? Long ago I developed a theory that farts go into libraries and stay there forever. Libraries need to figure out a way to trick people into checking out farts and then never returning them. Part of the problem, of course, is that libraries give people gas. Something about being around all that cellulose. They need to replace all their treeware with Books On UMD. (In six months, nobody'll remember what a UMD was...) -- K. But for some reason I still remember what a CD-i was. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: library perverts (was: packing peanuts) Date: Sun, 05 Jun 2005 18:03:40 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Tell me more about the Creepy Peeper, > > let's see. it was the summer i worked in the stacks, shelving books, so > it was 1988 or '89. we started finding entire shelves of books sitting > on the floor. Did you quote "Ghostbusters"? "No human would stack books like this!" > all these removed books afforded perfect views of various > study carrels. then, one night, i noticed a sticky mess squooshed > between two of the books. o ick! i mentioned it to the night > supervisor, who, also, said "o ick!" No, "He slimed me!" > she told the circulation folks about it and they told her that they'd > gotten numerous complaints from girls that some creep was peeping at > them while they studied. this had been going on for several weeks. > > library security hadn't done anything about it, so we decided to try to > catch the guy. (hey, shelving books is teh bo-o-oring.) "I used to have part of a Slinky, but I straightened it." > it took awhile, but we finally got a good look at him. we weren't > able to catch him, though, because he was too damned quick. cleverly, > he was using the stairwells to escape, instead of the elevators. Of course. Because he doesn't want to ride in the elevator with all those elevator masturbators. Those people are gross. > then, one day, the night stacks supervisor saw the Creepy Peeper at > Symphony on the Green. I've seen "Ghostbusters" 547 times, and it was actually the Tavern on the Green. > CP went into the science building and she sent her boyfriend in > after him, to spy. it was like something out of a teevee detective > show, i tell ya'. CP went to a phone booth and made a call, in > which he identified himself! It was a lucky coincidence that this guy with the "C.P." initials turned out to be the Creepy Peeper. > armed with a name, we made up a bunch of flyers saying "Mr. Creepy > Peeper Dude, we know who you are and we know what you do." "It's true, this man has no dick." Or if you've only ever seen the TV edit of the movie, "It's true, this man is some type of rodent, I don't know which." > we posted them on the insides of all the library stairwell doors > and he was never seen again. teh enb. He probably just started attending the library in a clever Martin-Landau-like disguise. You know, in glamorous drag. > > and I'll tell you about Russel/Lorali. He was a BAD transvestite > > who used to haunt the BSU library, sometimes as the almost- > > reasonable Russel but more often as the loony and terribly unstylish > > drag Lorali. Either way, he/she would return books that he/she > > would somehow make grimey and covered with a light layer of soot . . . > > or covered with something. He would also write in the margins of > > the books, writing stuff in the style of Archie Pu. > > eeew! Have you considered that maybe she _was_ Archimedes Plutonium, glammed up so much you didn't recognize her? After all, Archie shaves his head every day, which is the best thing to do if you want to be able to effectively disguise yourself just by putting on a giant Charo wig. -- K. Also, if you "pretend" to be crazy all the time, you can easily disguise yourself by pretending to be sane. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New species discovered Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:53:41 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > We're all familiar with the classic '70s-style "8" peanuts, as well > > as the "S", "C", "H", "L", "E", and "3" variants. > > I know I'm officially not smart and all, but aren't the E variants just > the 3's turned 180 degrees? Hell no! "3"s are rounder and have a notch in their spine. "E"s are square and look like "E"s. > My research yesterday shows that Amazon still ships with the filled-in > 8's, which look just like circus peanuts, only are white and tastier. Most of the stuff I order from Amazon doesn't get peanuts, it just gets shrink-wrapped to a flat piece of cardboard like some sort of miniature Vacbed Of Procrustes. I hate packing peanuts. You turn on one lousy Van de Graaf generator in your apartment and FOOM all the packing peanuts from the next room jump on you like killer bees chasing Raquel Welch through some guy's bloodstream. > [...] > > Gah. This reminds me of a dream I had just before waking up, two days > ago I guess. I was remembering a cereal I really liked when I was a kid, > and wondering if they made it anymore, and I was really hungry for this > cereal, which I think was chocolate, but I'm not sure. It all seemed so > lucid and normal at the time: old cereal, put it on the grocery list, > find out if it's still sold at Food 4 Less. > Then I woke up and the memory was gone. I still can't remember what the > Mystery Cereal was. Count Chocula? No... S'Mores? Nope. Quisp? No, > definitely not Quisp. It wasn't chocolate, it was Kaboom. The only cereal to have blue pieces in it for many years, plus the tangy zip of citron. Shaped like little Internet smileys except with the eyes on the top. And it had a really mellow clown on the box so as not to scare you. You're welcome. > > And then there are those puffy ones which look like white Cheetos > > but taste like nothing -- the ones made from corn starch so they'll > > dissolve when you flush them > > That's the sound of the Hivemind collectively wondering just how you > know this important information. The second sound you hear is of the > Hivemind collectively jotting this information down in their notebooks. Dude, I can't eat cheez. So of course I've tried the cheez-free packing peanuts. As far as what happens when you flush packing peanuts, a friendly local Ed Norton once told me that at work he has to wade through lagoons of the plastic kind deep in the sewers. Then he demanded I prove I'm a man by beating up William Shatner. -- K. If you could order anyone to beat up William Shatner, who would it be? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Quick Survey: In What Way Does Kibo Make YOU Uncomfortable? Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 23:01:00 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Quick Survey: In What Way Does Kibo Make YOU Uncomfortable? > > I need to know for SCIENCE. Also, in what ways _doesn't_ Kibo make you uncomfortable? I need to know so I can achieve my lifetime goal. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to drill holes crosswise through some giant lag screws, for CAPITALIZED SCIENCE. -- K. Uncomfortable, do I make you? I don't _make_ monkeys, I just train 'em! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Quick Survey: In What Way Does Kibo Make YOU Uncomfortable? Date: Mon, 06 Jun 2005 04:23:05 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > I'm not telling, because it has to do with what he knows about me and > never mentions, and as long as I don't say which thing he knows is the > one that makes me uncomfortable he'll have to spout out a whole one > hundred seventy-five-line post to be sure he's mentioned it, and then > it'll be so buried in all that text that nobody will notice it anyway. Ohhhhhh GlennnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNnnnnn, Have you looked between pages 314 and 315 in your phone book lately? Hope you're wearing rubber gloves. > The only person less sinister than Kibo that I ever met was John Cage. The only way to properly meet John Cage is to stand perfectly still in an unfurnished, windowless, doorless spherical room all by yourself for 473 minutes. At yet at no moment during those 473 minutes will you meet him, but after completing the total of 473 minutes you will know that you have truly met John Cage. Also, you can't bring a bag of popcorn into The John Cage Room. If you even try, the popcorn will cease to exist. And I don't just mean you bag, I mean all of it, everywhere. And that'll make Baby Paul Newman cry. And they'll put drawings of Crying Baby Paul Newman on every food product in the supermarket. So be very careful when you meet John Cage. This post is 175 lines long by 473 minutes wide. -- K. DING! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eczema Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 23:10:34 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > [to Rose Marie Holt] > > Have them check you for an allergy to nickle. My mother's "eczema" > was actually an allergy to nickle. They didn't figure that out until > she had clawed both her arms to bloody shreds. A nice look for > summer. You'd be surprised how many people have undiagnosed nickel allergies. Some people can be set off just by touching stainless steel (it always contains some nickel) and others are fine until they get stabbed with something nickel-plated which is electrified. (Electricity makes people react more strongly to their metal allergies, since it makes the metal ions jump into them.) Most cheap silver-colored jewelry is either nickel-plated brass or "nickel silver", if you have a strong allergy to nickel you have to spend your life avoiding anything that's not made of hypo-allergenic metals like aluminum, niobium, or titanium. (Note: "surgical steel" jewelry is often marked "hypo-allergenic", which is a lie -- surgical steel is stainless steel with _extra_ nickel.) There are also a lot of people who are allergic to copper (which is in anything made of brass, bronze, sterling silver, or nickel silver) but it's the nickel allergy that's really common. But I bet Dr. Rose already knows this, what with her being a real doctor and me just playing one on TV. Also, I can neither spell nor pronounce "eczema". However, I know how to spell and pronounce "epoxy", but I cannot _type_ it, because every time I try to type "epoxy" it comes out "expoy" or "expoxy". Stupid "x". It should stay in "exczema" where it belongs. -- K. Eczema is the second-worst type of Zima. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eczema Date: Thu, 09 Jun 2005 19:57:58 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > That's a pick up line! > > Are you allergic to zinc? > No > Swallow this... Tim, you can stop trying, you're never going to get that job at Eagle Leather & Zinc. Maybe you should look for something in some other industry where you could make people suffer. Have you considered being a TV network executive, or the guy who tells Steve Jobs that everyone likes large solid areas of fluorescent tertiary colors, or someone who designs impossible mazes for the sides of Happy Meal boxes? -- K. I call dibs on the last one if you don't want it. START HERE ---v ############## ##### # # # # # # # # ## # ### # # # # # # # # # ### # # # # ## # # # ### # # # # # # # # ###### ############# ^--- POT OF GOLD ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eczema Date: Fri, 10 Jun 2005 03:37:53 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tim, you can stop trying, you're never going to get that job at > > Eagle Leather & Zinc. > > Could you imagine how much I would you shill for that store if I HAD got > the job... > > I have also been given responsibilty for the interntal company newsletter. Well write must you be a goood newbsleffer of author thenb. Anyway, I think you may have mis-read the Eagle Leather job posting. It didn't say they wanted you to be their pimp, unless in Australia "pimp" is spelled with a "g". > I want to come up with something different for a design also. > How do you make non-compound, non-masking text paths in Illustrator? You make a text path and then sit on your hands every time you get the urge to use those sexy "Mask > Make" or "Compound Path > Make" commands. Also, I don't think Eagle Leather wanted you to make any masks, just wear 'em. > Should I try using Pagemaker instead or just stick to Dreamweaver? Depends. Did you do your rough layout with colored pencils, or with felt-tip pens? If you used pencils, then Pagemaker, if you used pens, then Dreamweaver. -- K. However, if your boss signed off on the comp in a ballpoint pen, you have to reverse that rule, because of the Coriolis Force as Australia is in the Boomerang Hemisphere. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eczema Date: Sun, 05 Jun 2005 23:47:13 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > When I saw my mom at Thanksgiving time, she was wearing a > > big brace on her arm. Trying to be nice, I asked her what > > happened to her arm. "I have carpal tunnel. Only it's > > REAL carpal tunnel, not like what you had." She was > > referring to the time I got hit by a truck and ended up > > with broken bones and carpal tunnel that required braces, > > long term physical therapy, much drugging and cortisone > > injections and for which surgery would have been > > recommended except that I build up scar tissue so it might > > end up being worse after surgery. I didn't realize it was > > a competition. However, in retrospect, anything attention > > gathering has always been a competition, whether I played > > or not. I should have pointed out to her that carpal > > tunnel messes up your grip strength and then challenged her > > to a strangling contest to see who won the prize for having > > the worst case of carpal tunnel. > > [...] > > I've learned, sorta, that there is no winning with some people - > it doesn't matter what you say. How many times do I have to say "I WIN!" before you get it? > So I am starting to say what I want to, and finding it much better > for my mental/emotional health. That is a good strategy. It's even better when you do it while carrying a broadsword, cattle prod, or flaming durian. Suddenly people start listening instead of just nodding... > And of course you didn't have REAL carpal tunnel - everyone > knows that is a repitition injury induced by patting oneself > on the back, repeatedly, for being #1 in all things. Naw, it's caused by these kids these days with their damn video games. They play those games all day and then you catch carpal tunnel from those damn kids touching the elevator buttons at the mall. Damn kids are too lazy to walk up stairs 'cause of all those damn games. -- K. The only times my wrists have been sore have been from bending stainless steel. I can play video games as much as I want without getting carpal tunnel! Know why? Because only bad players get carpal tunnel, and I ALWAYS WIN! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eczema Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 23:16:17 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > Eczema. Who'd have thought. I feel liek idiot. > > Why? It's not like you went to K-Mart and tried to buy socks but bought > eczema instead, out of ignorance. Eczema is not caused by stupidity in > 99.44% of recorded cases. POOR SPOT! His big irregular red spot was caused by stupidity! "DUH," said Spot, and "DUH," said his skin. All of it itched except the little semi-circle in the middle of the "D". But when he scratched his "DUH" he accidentally scratched across the "D" turning his rash into "BUH". "DUH," said Spot as he scratched his "BUH". But eventually the damage he did to the center of the "D" healed. "BUH," he said as he scratched his "DUH". Also, trying on socks at K-Mart gives you athlete's foot, not eczema, and athlete's foot does cause stupidity, because all athletes are stupid. I mean, have you ever tried playing Scrab