From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manuel Noriega and other helpful learning examples Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 17:10:40 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > [...] it sounds like you had Mrs Davis, who handed out school-owned > copies of some book to our 10th grade English class along with index > cards so we could write down our name and the number of the book we'd > been issued. I managed to misspell my name Hey, it's your name, which is your property, no matter how you spell it, it's not misspelling. It's not even illegal unless you are doing it to defraud or impersonate someone. You should've told her she was the one who was misspelling it. > so I crossed it out and wrote my information correctly on the other > side. You're way ahead of me, right? She came around with another > index card and made me do it over on the side with the lines on it. Back in the days of Arbor Day, the mid-'70s, part of that bullshit eco-activism for children espoused in TV commercials sponsored by Dow Chemical (you know, like the one where the Indian cries because someone threw a coffee cup on the ground -- "PEOPLE start pollution, PEOPLE can stop it" -- it's all your fault, not Dow's!) part of the agenda was to teach kids to always use both sides of every sheet of paper. Because obviously billions of trees are cut down every second just to make doodle pads for kindergartners, as paper is not used in business offices, manufacturing industries, or the government. Now, the teachers' union in Massachusetts is running these ham-handed commercials asking for increased school funding (i.e. pay raises), where every time an elementary school class attempts to do anything, a loudspeaker forbids the teacher from doing it ("THERE IS NO TIME FOR INDIVIDUAL INSTRUCTION! MOVE ALONG!") because apparently budget shortages have caused schools to install expensive surveillance systems and hire George Orwell as a consultant. One of the things the louspeaker demands the kids do is "USE BOTH SIDES OF EVERY SHEET OF PAPER", revealing the commercial's true subtext -- the teachers are extorting pay raises from people by threatening to teach the kids environmentalism! Quick, raise taxes to stop those hippie ideas! (I'LL GET YOU, CAPTAIN PLANET!) The other alleged public-service announcement bothering me at the moment is one of the 58,000 ones on how you should tell your kids that drugs are bad, m'kay? This father has set up dioramas and plastic uterus models and a bunch of books on puberty in order to prepare for telling his son about s-e-x, but when he tries to get started he's very uncomfortable and says "Or we could talk about drugs," to which the kid enthusiastically agrees. The message: "Parents of the world, we offer you this deal: If you tell your kids drugs are bad, m'kay?, you won't ever have to tell them about sex. Anyway, kids don't want to hear about sex." -- K. THERE IS NO TIME FOR SEX EDUCATION! MOVE ALONG! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manuel Noriega and other helpful learning examples Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 18:52:07 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > Even priests. In New Yok state you have to take a statewide regents' > exam and this prick of a priest tried giving me 19 (of 30) points on > the second essay portion because: a) I ignored his dictate for all > students to skip the multiple choice Lit questions and take the > optional essay instead (I aced the Lit questions), b) quit the school > newspaper that he was advisor because he sucked, c) I was a foot > taller than he was and could've kicked his ass or d) drew comic strips > that passed around the school, including one that called him Scarface > for his blazing red acne scars. I retook the test at my Mom's high > school and gave him the finger after I received my Regents' diploma at > graduation. I didn't realize Regents' exams were mandatory now. When I was in high school, the exam was optional (taken at graduation time), and all it did for you was to get you the "Regents' diploma" instead of the local school's diploma (i.e. it got you a sticker or something, there was no actual reason you needed the Regents' certification.) I think there was something about a $125/year scholarship to any state college if you got above a certain grade on the Regents' exam. Other than that I don't recall there being any reason to want to take the Regents' exam except for those of us who knew we'd ace it so as to get the pretty Hello Kitty sticker on our piece of paper that nobody would ever look at. Also, how come New York State's school board is still full of "Regents" despite us kicking all the kings, emperors, and princes out of the United States in 1776? By the way, which is the greater sin -- giving a priest the finger, or bragging about giving a priest the finger? Bet you thought you were such a big shot, giving him the finger when he couldn't give it back, just 'cause you know he secretly wanted to. Some day there will be a church scandal when the Pope discovers that all those priests behind the one-way mirrors in the confessionals are giving people the finger. Did your comic strips point out that "Scarface" must've been a sinner because he had acne? It's in the Bible, all that stuff about "pox" is about how your face breaks out if you secretly wish you were allowed to give people the finger. -- K. I also have the worthless certificate from "The President's Council On Academic Fitness", signed by some sleepy senile guy's Autopen. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manuel Noriega and other helpful learning examples Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 18:29:15 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja wrote: > > > > > > [...] if you wrote on notebook paper from a spiral and tore it > > > out of the notebook, leaving fringies. > > > > Oh, please. By the time you were in school, every spiral notebook > > on the planet was perforated! > > No not. Not in 5th grade, anyway. The incredible invention of > perforation wasn't until I was in high school. > 5th grade was when notebooks all had those raised patterns and pictures > on them so you could put a piece of paper over your notebook and rub a > pencil on it to transfer the pattern to paper. Also, you could buy Snoopy > notebook paper reinforcements (reinforcements with little Snoopy and > Woodstock stickers attached.) 20% of the Internet are now asking, "What was a paper reinforcement?" 10% are asking "What was a Snoopy? Did they name a 1999 concert after him too?" 5% are asking "What was a pencil?" 1% are asking "What was 'buy'?" > > where the teacher unwittingly outed my gay friend in explaining how it > > was fallacious to assume he was gay because he was wearing a pink shirt-- > > which, of course, my friend insisted far too quickly was actually salmon. > > That is so cool. Salmon is _not_ cool. The way to tell if a guy in a pink shirt is gay: Ask them to close their eyes. Then ask them what color their shirt is. If they know, they're gay. This works for any color shirt except white or black, because people who wear those colors tend to wear them often enough that they can make an assumption which ruins your assumption. -- K. Oh, and any sort of fishnet mesh shirt means they're really, really gay, or on the crew of a British submarine in the distant future year of 1980, which I guess works out to be the same thing as all British guys are gay. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: pink shirts are so gay (was: helpful learning examples) Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 01:21:17 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The way to tell if a guy in a pink shirt is gay: Ask them to close > > their eyes. Then ask them what color their shirt is. If they know, > > they're gay. This works for any color shirt except white or black, > > because people who wear those colors tend to wear them often enough > > that they can make an assumption which ruins your assumption. > > If they don't know, they may still be gay. Yes, but those people would be so straight-acting as to be not worth dating, especially since people would be puzzled over you having such a straight boyfriend with no extrasensory color sense. Any proper fashion queen will know which shade of which color of which European designer's color palette is on his shirt; Any proper clone will be wearing a tight white T-shirt, possibly inside-out so everyone can see the Calvin Klein tag; Any proper butch guy will be wearing black or camo, assuming they're even wearing a shirt. (Straight guys wear camo too, but they tend to mix patterns in bad ways, like a West German flecktarn shirt with an East German flecktarn jacket and Swiss alpenflage pants, or worse, they wear those weird colors of fake camo with names like "Blue Raspberry Ripple".) Not all gay guys are fashionable -- but only a truly straight guy will get dressed without looking. And yet all men (straight or gay) check themselves out in the mirror every day. (Don't try to deny it. You know you do.) Straight men have the power to check themselves out without even seeing the clothes -- maybe they're imagining themselves naked so as not to get stage fright. Anyway, just play along with all the stereotypes to make things easier for the straight guys, just like when all the gay guys got together and agreed on which side to wear the earring on just so straight guys wouldn't accidentally date them. > And if they have to take a minute or two to think about it but get > the answer right, who knows? You'd hang around a guy while he has his eyes closed saying "DUHHHHHHHHHH" for two minutes? Wow. You must be really turned on by the part of the front bar where guys sit on stools staring fixedly into space all evening. -- K. There should be a circus sideshow performer who's straight on one side and gay on the other. He'd have to get halves of two slightly different crew cuts... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manuel Noriega and other helpful learning examples Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 19:47:11 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] ask them what color their shirt is. > > Wait, you can buy shirts in colors? Mine have been restricted to > variations on beige and tan (the only off-white colors straight guys > know) for several years now. Do you wear a lot of jumpsuits and live in a futuristic Seventies dystopia? Do you have the furniture that looks like shiny plastic blobs, or the kind that looks like cubes with carpeting stapled to every side? In the Seventies, futuristic dystopias came in three color schemes: 1. Everything beige and tan 2. Everything white 3. White with black and silver trim "2001" and "Space: 1999" must have been dystopian nightmares because they had look #3. Nobody has yet done a dystopia where everyone wears all black on sets painted shiny black, though there are a couple scenes in "Star Wars" that have nearly enough glossy black stuff in them to look cool. I think it would be really great if George Lucas made a dystopian film that looked like the master negative of "THX-1138". But you'd have to be careful never to put the two of them in the same film can or they'd cancel each other out, leaving you with miles of medium gray film, and the only thing you could do with all this solid gray footage would be to have Gates McFadden run around in front of it because another one of Wil Wheaton's science experiments is trying to kill her. Don't get me started on what should be done with all the footage from "The Starlost". -- K. Nobody's ever done a dystopian future where everything is Barbie pink to make the population vomit whenever they take off their opaque goggles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manuel Noriega and other helpful learning examples Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:52:35 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nobody's ever done a dystopian future where everything is Barbie pink > > to make the population vomit whenever they take off their opaque goggles. > > Except Joe Arpaio. Sigh. All my best ideas have already been stolen by other sadists. Well, maybe I'll create a dystopian future where everything has fluorescent pink and green zigzaggy diagonal stripes all over it so that everyone thinks they've been sucked into a migraine. And then it'll give them all tension headaches. And they won't be allowed to complain because tension headaches aren't as bad as migraines. And then I'll take away all their fluorescent pink and green candy. -- K. I hear that late at night, when he thinks nobody's looking, Sherriff Joe Arpaio wears lacy lavender panties just to prove to himself that anything is more masculine than wearing pink. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 04:34:48 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > > > I took my son to Blockbuster a while ago and he decided Superbabies > > was the one and only movie he wanted to rent. Nothing could dissuade > > him, even after I'd pointed out every other marginally plausible > > possibility in the Family section. Then I discovered it was rated PG; > > hallelujah! That eliminated it from contention; Kenny's limited to G > > movies. I don't even have to take the blame for that rule. His > > mother came up with that one. Possibly under similar circumstances. > > > > [later] > > > > So of course tonight Heather went to Blockbuster (on her own) and came > > back with "The Incredibles" for Kenny, rated PG. > > > > The sound you now hear is that of a loophole slamming shut. > > > > On my testicles. > > *ouch* > > The Incredibles? PG? are you *sure* you want Kenny watching a film > where Mummy and Daddy lay into each other like that? "And now, son, your rite of passage... Your very first PG movie. The one which includes the short subject where the baby keeps setting himself on fire." By the way, I noticed that as a tie-in with the new "Fantastic Four" movie (the one that's being released, not the older one that only the bootleggers got to see) they're selling "Human Torch" masks, so kids can run around to show all the other kids how cool it would be to set yourself on fire. I am assuming the existence of this mask will give rise to the same sort of legends as that Batman costume with the "CAPE DOES NOT ENABLE WEARER TO FLY" warning that everyone's heard about and yet nobody's ever seen. > I think you should wait a few years before exposing him to that sort > of thing, for eg., until Kibo's managed to arrange proper hazmat > packing for every copy of Superbabies in existence. Rich, I'd offer you that Asian bootleg of "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2" that every single person on the Web is sick of seeing the back cover of, except the bootleggers forgot to put the wrong rating on the box. It says "PG". (A lot of bootlegs of kids' movies say "G" whether they are or not.) > and dropped them all on Cana^H^H^H^HFra^H^H^HCanada. How about we split the difference and drop them all on Quebec? Aww, on my TV right now, the Martians just exterminated Jack Black, in the second-worst movie ever based on a set of bubble-gum cards. The worst, of course, is "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie", unless someone invents a time machine and travels back to 1953 and starts selling "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2" trading cards just so that that movie will turn out to have been based on bubble-gum cards and therefore be even more unnecessary. Anyway, since you asked, here are some wholesome movies I would actually recommend for kids: "Yellow Submarine". Just tell them it's all about the fun you can have with coloring books, don't mention that it's an infomercial for LSD. "The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr. T". It's a little slow at the start, and the kids may not know what a Fifties-style Air Wick is, but come on, they gotta love it anyway, it's got Hans Conried singing Dr. Seuss verse! "The Brave Little Toaster". Not a particularly memorable movie, but what kid could resist a talking toaster with Jon Lovitz's voice? Your kid will run around imitating the world's most obnoxious toaster! "Batman: The Movie" with Adam West, Burt Ward, Burgess Meredith, Frank Gorshin, Cesar Romero, and both of Lee Meriwether's legs. Mee-yow! Your kid will wonder why you're laughing at Batman saying "Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb!" which is a perfectly sensible observation of fact. There aren't many superhero movies that are both squeaky-clean enough for kids and yet not completely boring. In fact, I think this is the only one other than the first Christopher Reeve "Superman", though "Superman" might be a little too much for small kids to handle (after all, Margot Kidder did get slowly crushed... and Superboy accidentally kills his own father... and everyone but Superman smokes...) "Star Trek: The Motion Picture". It's the only G-rated science-fiction movie to have been made since phasers were invented. However, the good version (the DVD re-edit) is PG so you'll have to make your kid sit through one of the versions where scenes illustating key plot points are represented by grainy still pictures of the scaffolding they couldn't afford to build sets on top of. Also you'll have to hope the kid isn't as baffled by "My oath of celibacy is on record" as every adult in the world is. (Starfleet apparently makes all their female crew members promise to stay out of Kirk's holographic bedroom.) "The Rocket Man", the one Lenny Bruce wrote, not the one where Harlan Williams keeps farting. I have a bootleg of this which I haven't gotten around to watching, but given that it's a children's movie written by Lenny Bruce, I'm sure it will instill a healthy attitude towards questioning authority, teaching the kids not to let the district attorney rip off their blowjob jokes. The second "Inspector Gadget" movie (the one with French Stewart) isn't bad (surprising, given how bad the first one was.) "Pee-wee's Big Adventure" is one of the greatest movies ever made and should be suitable for kids. They'll find jokes you didn't even know were there. Worst that can happen is that your kid will demand you take him to visit the Alamo. I've only ever seen about a minute of "Twice Upon A Time" (George Lucas's most obscure movie) but it seemed worth watching. You should find a place where you can rent a bootleg of that one, then steal the disc and mail it to me. And of course there's always "The Shook-Up Shopping Cart". Skip any kids' movie which contains Santa Claus anywhere in, near, or behind it. Although "Elf" will be good when your kid is old enough to handle the upper end of "PG". But avoid the hell out of any other movie where Santa Claus has even the tiniest cameo, just as you would avoid any movie where Ronald McDonald breakdances. Okay, you can let your kid see "A Christmas Story", since that guy clearly isn't Santa since he kicks Ralphie in the face, but again, that would only be once your kid is old enough to handle looking at lamps shaped like legs and Darren McGavin cursing in Yosemite Sam language. -- K. The 1980 "Flash Gordon" is another one which will be good to show him when he's old enough to start demanding to see "Star Wars". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 19:58:36 -0400 zusty sanspoof eelface (uh.zusty@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "The Brave Little Toaster". Not a particularly memorable movie, > > but what kid could resist a talking toaster with Jon Lovitz's voice? > > Your kid will run around imitating the world's most obnoxious toaster! > > Hey, Jon Lovitz was the _radio's_ voice! > ...hey! Oh, you've seen it more recently than I have. Like I said, not the most memorable movie in the world, and I saw it a decade ago. You're right, he was the radio with the whip antenna. I think the toaster had one of those squeaky woman's voices that they always use when they want a cartoon character to sound like a little boy. I just wish they'd drawn it in a nicer style, such as the Gahan Wilson illustration that was on the cover of the issue of "Fantasy & Science Fiction" it was in. But then it probably would have turned into a Ralph Bakshi production with a bunch of stock footage of Nazis and random doodles by art-school students. How come nobody in Hollywood has decided that Gahan Wilson should be in charge of everything? I think he should not only pick which sitcoms get on the air, he should also work the puppets for the diaphanous monsters that come out of the toilet and eat all the characters. Also I want him to make a movie based on that comic panel about the kid with the plastic earthworm. (The kid is holding a little box marked "PLASTIC EARTHWORM", looking horribly depressed, as this insufferably smug grown-up strolls by with his big box that says "WORLD WAR II -- ACTUAL SIZE -- EVERYTHING INCLUDED". If Gahan Wilson gets to make that movie, keep Ralph Bakshi the hell away from it.) Gahan Wilson is one of the few people to understand that being a kid sucks! Especially when your parents won't let you see "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2". And even more so when they do. I wonder what he lets his kids watch. -- K. It's not even a _real_ earthworm! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 17:18:58 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Yellow Submarine". Just tell them it's all about the fun you can > > have with coloring books, don't mention that it's an infomercial for LSD. > > Agh. Hate this movie! Hate it! [...] > > Insert Kibo's "you just didn't get it because you're stupid" post here > -------- > | > | > V Why would I do that? I'm not one of those people who feels everyone has to enjoy the same movies and/or music. I learned at an early age that Fonzie became very uncool the moment he forced everyone in Arnold's to switch from listening to rock & roll to nothing but Tchaikovsky because Classical music is inherently better. Just because I have an opinion doesn't make you stupid. If you're allowed to dislike a movie, then I'm allowed to like it, okay? Now shut up and watch "Baby Geniuses 2", because I had to dislike it, therefore you're required to like it. -- K. Also, you just didn't get it because you're faaaaat. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 22:08:13 -0400 Yesterday, I wrote: > > [...] I'm not one of those people who feels everyone has > to enjoy the same movies and/or music. I learned at an early age that > Fonzie became very uncool the moment he forced everyone in Arnold's > to switch from listening to rock & roll to nothing but Tchaikovsky > because Classical music is inherently better. And today, TV Land surprised me by showing _that_ episode! It's creepy the power I seem to have over our nation's TV schedules. The episode in question is on my TV at this very moment. It's the one where Fonzie dreams he's Tchaikovsky (in a fluffy velvet jacket instead of leather) and then starts demanding that everyone at Arnold's listen to nothing but "The Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairies" for an entire week to see if he can recruit them. And it has all your least favorite characters: Ted McGinley as replacement Richie, Harris Kal as the first replacement Ralph, and Scott Bernstein as the second replacement Potsie. However, they were still on their first Joanie, and this was not one of those rare episodes that had both of the replacement Potsies at the same time, or the surprise re-introduction of Classic Potsie Now With Girlfriend. I forget, did the two replacement Ralphs ever collide? Oh man, Fonzie just kicked the juke box to make it start playing "The Blue Danube Waltz" and now he's prancing around Arnold's doing ballet leaps. This isn't the first time I've seen this episode, but I always forget what an incredible dweeb Fonzie became by these middle years. He just changed into a tweed blazer with elbow patches and a yellow paisley necktie. Gee, Fonzie, you seem to have lost your edge faster than if Jack Webb had devoted a whole episode to giving bad guys free foot rubs. I can't wait to see how this episode ends. I'm predicting that Fonzie will back a dump truck filled with potatoes up to Dan Quayle's driveway while talking about breast cancer and having TV's first gay kiss while dreaming he's in "Liztomania" wearing a diaper and riding Hitler's giant penis around. -- K. THE FONZ IS A NERD ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:51:33 -0400 Distribution: world Captain Infinity (Infinity@captaininfinity.us) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > THE FONZ IS A NERD > > FONZ to NERD. I can do it in eleven steps: > > FONZ > BONZ (are product names allowed? I SAY YES!) > BONE > BORE > FORE (or BARE) > FORM (or FARE) > FARM > HARM > HARD > HERD > NERD I can do it in fewer: FONZ RICHIE RALPH POTSIE NERD Or, to do it _your_ cumbersome way: FONZ FONT FORT FORD NORD NERD "Nord" is too an English word, otherwise used-car ads wouldn't have their headlines printed in an ugly font named Antique Olive Nord. I win! -- K. Flawless victory conclusively proves THE FONZ IS A NERD! P.S. Yes, I wrote this before seeing any of the 3,047 article where other people did the same thing with fake words like "FARD" or "NERT". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 22:18:57 -0400 I just wrote: > > I can't wait to see how this episode ends. I'm predicting that > Fonzie will back a dump truck filled with potatoes up to Dan Quayle's > driveway while talking about breast cancer and having TV's first > gay kiss while dreaming he's in "Liztomania" wearing a diaper and > riding Hitler's giant penis around. I was originally planning to say "a dump truck filled with library cards" so as not to make the "'Murphy Brown' has started spending too much time being self-important" so obvious, but then I would have had to add something about Fonzie asking Don Saklad for help with his library skills, and that seemed too horrible to mention, so I just left it as a dump truck filled with potatoes. I have seen everything that has ever been on TV. Hey, maybe some of you folks can answer this, it's been bugging me for a while. There was this show that was a parody of the early seasons of "Cops" -- where they followed the cops around both on the job and during their home life -- and it wasn't "Reno 911" (it was much earlier, like '92 or '93) and it wasn't Chris Elliot's brilliant "The Action Family". It ran for a few weeks, I think on Fox. What the hell was the title of that show? I keep wanting to say "Fuzz" but I can't find any shows called "Fuzz" on IMDB.com, so either I'm mis-remembering or IMDB is missing at least one very forgettable show. There used to be a VHS tape you could get that had Chris Elliot's "The Action Family" and his "FDR: A One-Man Show" back-to-back, which combined were one of the greatest videotapes you could ask for. They need to get those released on DVD along with the rest of the "Get A Life" episodes, especially the one with the stock footage from "The Time Tunnel" (which, ironically, was a show made out of stock footage from old movies.) -- K. "Cops" didn't get good until September 11, 2001 caused all cops to start carrying Tasers. How Tasers prevent planes from being crashed into buildings, I don't know, but it makes the show much funnier, especially that one episode where the little cop Tasers the huge suspect just 'cause the guy's bigger than him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Sat, 04 Jun 2005 19:28:30 -0400 Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.HAWHAWSPAMTRAP.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I have seen everything that has ever been on TV. > > Excellent. You will therefore be able to help me with these two quandries, > > [...] Your first question was too difficult for me, so I'll pretend you never asked it. > Also, a cool early-90's show pairing an American with a ninja. Not Kung Fu, > the Legend Continues. I believe Lee van Cleef was in it? It also had very > nice theme music. For the time period. I believe the title was "The Master", I recall it being on in 1985. A few pairs of episodes were spliced together into the "movies" "Master Ninja I" and "Master Ninja II" which turned up on early "Mystery Science Theater 3000" episodes. And yes, it had Lee Van Cleef... and starred one of the Lesser Van Pattens. I suspect a lot of nerds tuned in but were disappointed that The Master never shrank anyone to death with a Tissue Compression Eliminator. On the other hand, fans of "The Master" may have tuned into "Doctor Who" and been disappointed to not see a single ninja in all 700 episodes. Unless they've added gay ninjas to the new "Doctor Who". -- K. Remember the "CHiPs" spinoff pilot about the LAPD's elite ninja squad? I think the working title for the series would have been "Force Five" if it hadn't just been an episode of "CHiPs". Between Ponch riding that Kawasaki and all those ninjas, one wonders if California police never hear a single doughnut joke because they spend all their time eating sushi. There should be sushi doughnuts so everyone will be happy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:49:19 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I have seen everything that has ever been on TV. > > Then do you remember the game show that Joe Garagiola hosted where they > always argued over the pronunciation of "pot pourri"? I remember that in Alex Trebek's book about how great his version of "Jeopardy!" is, he told a story about how he was puzzled to receive a crank letter complaining the show hated Catholics until towards the end he figured out that the wacko was complaining about the category "Popery". And I remember Pat Sajak being on a night-time talk show complaining that the "fabulous prizes" during the "shopping" round of the original "Wheel! Of! Fortune!" included stuff like "a ceramic pendant shaped like Joe Garagiola". So if you put those two together, then yes, I do remember it. > I was certain I remembered it as having a high-tech color-TV > red/green/blue color scheme, until somebody recognized my description > of it recently and remembered the audience being polled in three > sections, red, blue, and [SFX: IMAGINARY SAD BUZZER] yellow. Bert Convy's "TattleTales" had the audience divided into the red, blue, and "banana" sections. Banana made it better. > (Actually, though, maybe those two memories aren't contradictory > at all--maybe the fact that it wasn't green was what was so sad > about yellow.) Didn't the book "The Making Of 'Star Trek'" claim that Kirk never wore a green shirt and if it looked green it was just because your crappy TV showed green instead of banana? -- K. That's the book where Gene Roddenberry claimed that when Carl Sagan wrote the Drake equation, it was something like "ZxYf738J = XR7pQ31MzXXFq298R" with all the letters dotted with smiley faces. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 05:45:24 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, maybe some of you folks can answer this, it's been bugging me for > > a while. There was this show that was a parody of the early seasons > > of "Cops" -- where they followed the cops around both on the job and > > during their home life -- and it wasn't "Reno 911" (it was much earlier, > > like '92 or '93) > > Google says you're talking about an episode of "The Ben Stiller Show". > Yeah, I know it's not right, but it's the best I can do. I think it was about one season before "The Ben Stiller Show", possibly the same season. But no, I am not referring to the interminable "Cops In The ________ Historical Period" filler sketches that wrote themselves on "The Ben Stiller Show" between the actual funny stuff about how Bob Odenkirk may or may not be a robot and Ben Stiller wants to know all about how Scotty did that thing on that planet he went to. "The Ben Stiller Show" had a lot of brilliant stuff, but it also had a lot of pedestrian, repetitive stuff, which its successors "Mr. Show" and "The Andy Dick Show" managed to get away from. "The Ben Stiller Show" aired on Fox the same season as "The Edge" (which wasn't bad, and had Tom Kenny who would later be on "Mr. Show".) "The Edge" also had some unknown chick named Jennifer Aniston, and Wayne Knight screaming a lot, and the funnier of MTV's two Julie Browns. I think the show I'm trying to remember was either that same season, or the season before, based on which apartment's TV set I remember watching this stuff on. And I think I was in that apartment around '92 to '93. I could be off by a year or two. And so could these dates. > I don't even remember what they almost called "Reno 911" this season "Cancelled"? > (early commercials on Comedy Central had another name for the show, > but I've already forgotten what it was. [...]) "Nanny 911". > Ooh, ooh, tvguide.com says you might mean "Danger Theater" with Robert > Vaughan. Or possibly "357 Marina del Ray". Nope. This definitely wasn't a Robert Vaughn show, and I've never heard of the other. Nor was it the 1995 "Funky Squad", another one I never heard of and now it's too late. The one I have in mind was simply a very literal (no-budget) parody of "Cops" showing what the inept cops did before and after busting bad guys. I wish I knew what channel it was on. Since I didn't have cable then, I'm guessing it was probably either a Fox show or syndicated, since no real networks ever air parody series, unless they want to claim that "Happy Days" was a parody of "American Graffiti". -- K. Also, the TV series "M*A*S*H" was a parody of the movie "Catch-22". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:50:16 -0400 [on identifying a dimly-remembered "Cops" parody series] Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > I remember this show! > > It might have had "Bakersfield" in the title, or that could have been > a different, less subtle cop-themed show with Brian Doyle-Murray in it. Well, it sure wasn't "The Last Precinct" with Adam West. (That was circa 1985, it premiered immediately after the Super Bowl and still bombed. The world wasn't ready to even attempt to embrace a lame rip-off of the lame "Police Academy" movies.) > All I remember about it was the opening credits had some guy reluctantly > acknowledging that he was going to be filmed and on TV, and there was > an episode where they did the prostitution sting, where they have the > undercover cop in the motel room, and they make the prostitute explain > how she claims to know the undercover cop for five minutes before they > reveal that he was a cop the whole time. And the cop felt bad and > brought a cake to their house and she and her boyfriend told him to > piss off. I think I remember that episode! Well, at least now we know I wasn't just watching that private TV channel that the Dumont corporation beams directly into the center my brain. Anyway, someone with Internet access should go do an IMDB title or plot search on "Bakersfield" in case that's it. I'd do it, but I'm deep underground right now, on my way to Home Depot to buy a mercury-vapor bulb. -- K. If I buy several million of them, I can cut them open and fill my bathtub with shiny mercury! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is so Darla doesn't kill me Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 19:36:09 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I'm not one of those people who feels everyone has > > to enjoy the same movies and/or music. I learned at an early age that > > Fonzie became very uncool the moment he forced everyone in Arnold's > > to switch from listening to rock & roll to nothing but Tchaikovsky > > because Classical music is inherently better. > > yay! now I won't get in trouble for saying-- > > > Aww, on my TV right now, the Martians just exterminated Jack Black, > > in the second-worst movie ever based on a set of bubble-gum cards. > > --MARS ATTACKS IS MY FAVOURITEST JACK BLACK FILM EVER!!!1! That's fine, you can have any favorite Jack Black film you want, but you better keep your hands off Jack Black or you'll get in big bloody trouble. 'Cause he's my favoritest one in the disappointing movie. The frustrating thing about "Mars Attacks!" is that it contained the most promising collage of actors in a comedy since "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World". These are just the ones I've heard of: Jack Nicholson Jack Nicholson in a cowboy hat Glenn Close Annette Bening Pierce Brosnan smoking a pipe Danny DeVito Martin Short Sarah Jessica Parker and her nose Michael J. Fox Rod Steiger Tom Jones Jim Brown Lukas Haas Natalie Portman, whoever she is Pam Grier Lisa Marie and not her husband Sylvia Sidney Paul Winfield without the slug in his ear Rance Howard without Clint Howard Christina Applegate Joe Don Baker voice of Frank Welker, as required by law I mean, if a film stars two of Jack Nicholson, you want to like it, just like you tried to enjoy "The Witches Of Eastwick" because it had Jack Nicholson as the devil but it turned out to be more tedious than "The Devil's Rain" where Ernest Borgnine played Satan. And because it was based on bubble-gum cards, the movie was doomed, and as I once said, I suspect that this is one of those movies which was solely made because some producer thought "Hey, a weird- looking Vegas casino is scheduled for demolition, let's make a movie around it where the Martians conduct a controlled implosion of one old building." You know, like "Con Air". Furthermore, it's got an exclamation point! in its title! a sure sign! it sucks! The hotel they blow up in "Mars Attacks!" is the one from "Viva Las Vegas". I hope they never demolish Circus Circus, because then they'd have to film "Baby Geniuses Have Fear And Loathing In Damnation Alley", and I don't think I could handle seeing toddlers driving a tank while dropping acid. Also, the destruction of Circus Circus that would ruin my plans to film a remake of "The Blob" there. (The Blob would fill up that amorphous pink glass bubble behind the casino and nobody would notice.) Every time I try to enjoy "Mars Attacks!" I get bored and wander out of the room about 2/3 of the way through. It starts off pretty good, though, right up through both of Jack Black's only scenes. But then it gets dull except for that scene where Pierce Brosnan performs an actual alien autopsy and the scene where Rod Steiger screams "KILL! KILL!" I seem to recall that it ends with them playing this awful song, "Puberty Love", to make all the giant tomatoes explode. Except this one is wearing ear muffs so Gary Condit has to kill it. And then Wayne Newton packs them all back in the trash can where they live and make bubble gum cards and fudgy cookies. Then someone says "Look! A barking dog!" and we hear Frank Welker yelling "ARF! ARF! I AM A DOG'S VOICE! ARF! ARF! BOW-WOW!" -- K. Why wasn't I in "Mars Attacks"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kevins Bait Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 17:58:09 -0400 [generalized recipe rant I've been waiting for the opportunity to deploy] Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > I just purchased a cookbook compiled by a few hundred people here at > Medium Sized Insurance Concern. Here is a recipe that I just know Kevins > will love as much as I do. > > SWEET & SOUR STIR-FRY > > 1 T oil > 6 ounces Louis Rich ready to eat chicken strips > 1 can sliced water chestnuts > pea pods (several handfuls) > 1 T Pantai Pad Thai Sauce > 1 T cooking wine > 1 can pineapple chunks in heavy syrup, undrained > 6 packets of Equal > > Heat oil in a skillet. Add chicken, heat, then remove chicken. Add > veggies and cook until they are tender. Add sauce, pineapple, and salt. > Stir in Equal. This is why I don't follow cookbook recipes when I cook. I find such recipes to be ridiculously pedantic -- will it explode if I use actual chicken instead of pre-sliced, artificially-flavored Louis Rich(R) brand chicken? Can't I slice my own water chestnuts without hurting myself? Am I smart enough to figure out that I can substitute fake sugar for real sugar any time I want to? How come everything in the world is made from an integral number of tablespoons of this and an integral number of cups of that, instead of admitting that for some people the preferred value might be 1.4 cups and for others, 1.7 cups, and that this value might have to be determined by visual inspection halfway through the process because some pineapple is wetter? In my view, if you know how to cook meat (a prerequisite for any sort of cooking, with or without a recipe) all you need to know to approximate something you ate in a restaurant is a list of what's in it -- and if you can't figure that out by tasting it, either you need more practice eating food, or the thing doesn't have enough flavor to be worth eating. Basically, I feel that recipes are telling me not to use my own judgement about what I want to eat or how much, and yet they generally omit instructions for the difficult stuff, such as technique. (And which is supposed to be the "sour" half of "sweet & sour", the can of sugar syrup with lumps of boiled pineapple, or the packets of artificial sugar?) The recipes which bother me the most are the ones which claim to be simulations of mass-produced fast food, i.e. for making your own White Castle burgers, KFC chicken, or Louis Rich(R) brand extruded chicken strips. Even if you knew the exact quantities and proportions of chemicals in the restaurant's real secret formula, it still wouldn't come out exactly the same, because different people use different cooking techniques, and the restaurants have weird equipment to blowtorch the food in a consistent yet inhuman way. Cookbooks should be about how to cook, not what to cook. If I want there to be pineapple chunks in my pineapple chicken, I can figure that out, assuming I know whether or not I like the taste of pineapple. And if I forget that, a recipe won't help me. I know some people who, when their TV dinner's box says to preheat the oven for 5 minutes before putting the dinner in, actually set a timer for 5 minutes. Gas ovens and electric ovens cook much differently even when you preheat them, so how did the person who wrote the box psychically predict whether you have gas or electric? (With microwave directions they tend to give you elaborate multi-stage directions and then they admit, "Microwave ovens vary so adjust cooking time accordingly," because people find it comforting even to be given directions that admit they're useless. In some microwave ovens, your dinner will still be frozen in the middle if you follow the directions, and the difference between a gas oven and an electric oven is deeper than the difference between two sizes of microwave.) Someday I want to take one of those Always Follow The Directions people camping just to see them starve when they aren't willing to use their own judgement as to how long to hold the breakfast pan over the burning log. I think that part of the reason for the directions on the back of the TV dinner box is so that people can say "Yay! I'm cooking! Look, here's a recipe for how to make food out of this TV dinner!" Also the portions are so small. -- K. Don't get me started on how every single item in the supermarket is marked "ready to eat". Except maybe the toilet paper. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kevins Bait Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 19:45:17 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This is why I don't follow cookbook recipes when I cook. > > When did you start cooking at all? I thought your apartment was too > small to hold any pans. My apartment's big, it's just filled with stuff. I usually cook when I'm on a date in someone else's nice clean kitchen, because everyone but me owns more cookware but never uses it. I hate cleaning, some people hate cooking, so "I cook, you clean" works for me. > > Cookbooks should be about how to cook, not what to cook. > > THIS IS ROMBAUER AND BECKER FETISH AND YOUR KINK IS O.K. I never liked either of those sitcoms. > However, at my less imaginative times (if you can picture times even less > imaginative than when I am posting here), I find that I also want books > full of ideas for what to cook, so that I can then completely ignore two > or three recipes while combining ingredients from them into some new > thing. I agree, that's the best way to use cookbooks. I look at the pictures until I find the one that makes me the hungriest, then I figure out what I want to put in it instead of what they tell me to put in it. Usually that means leaving out any cheese, substituting better-tasting oils, adding more interesting vegetables, etc. The cookbooks I browse are usually printed in China or India so some experience is required to adapt the dishes to the equipment and ingredients that are locally available, as well as knowing how they expect some of the weirder ingredients to be treated. (An American cookbook won't explain how to peel an orange, it'll just say to start with "orange slices", so a Chinese cookbook will make similar assumptions that you know to peel the ginger.) One of the things I like about making curries etc. is that you can vary the quantities of (or even omit) some of the seasonings in a highly-seasoned dish without ruining it. I like things that have complicated flavors, and those are the ones where your own judgement about how to keep the flavors in balance (while meeting the spiciness preferences of your audience) is more important than matching the cookbook's measurements. Following the recipe of a real Indian cookbook is a recipe for disaster if you're going to be feeding average Americans. For those who might be looking for easy things to do, here are some ideas you can do at the drop of a hat even in someone else's kitchen, if you have the ingredients on hand: Currently the item I do that gets the best reviews is a fried rice featuring slices of Chinese sausage with hot pepper and grated coconut stuck to them, with garlic, green olives, peas, and spinach mixed into the rice. Fried rice is something where it comes out the most interesting if you make sure the seasonings stick to the lumpy items instead of just getting dispersed into the rice, so that the spots that have different texture also have different flavor. The recipe is based on items I've had at a couple of Asian restaurants, and being fried rice, the ingredients can be varied all over the place. The important thing is not to skimp on the hot pepper if you put coconut in your rice. Fried rice is really easy to cook, and if you have the time to do it right (boil the rice, put it in the fridge for at least two hours before you fry it) you can make it better than the restaurants do -- their fried rice usually isn't as clumpy because they don't have time to let it sit around in the fridge. (In China, the purpose of fried rice is to turn leftovers into a snack.) There are certain other items restaurants never do right which are great to learn to do at home. For instance, wild rice is seldom served in restaurants -- actual wild rice takes 40 to 60 minutes to boil, and if you overcook it it gets all weird-looking (I don't mind it overcooked, but restaurants couldn't serve it that way 'cause it looks like there are dead water striders curled up in your pilaf.) At home you can time the wild rice to take the correct amount of time to cook, while restaurants are limited to white rice because it can cook during your appetizer course, and will survive if they keep it warm in the rice cooker all evening. Wild rice takes too long and has to be served right when it's done. My standard side dish when I cook is a pilaf made from white rice, wild rice, brown lentils, and red lentils -- I go to the natural-food store and get small quantities of each from the bulk bins for a few cents, and just throw them all into the same pot at different times. And if people are used to canned soup, you can blow them away by making real soup, the kind where you simmer it for multiple hours. It's another one of those things which is ridiculously easy to do well (you can't screw up soup unless you put Dr Pepper in it.) Again, it's a matter of timing -- some parts of the soup you cook all day, but if it's noodle soup then you add the noodles later so they won't disintegrate. Rice and soup are ideal side dishes _because_ they take so long to cook that they let you focus on preparing the main course while they simmer. Plus people who only eat frozen food and fast food go ape if you make their apartment smell like chicken broth for two hours while they have to wait. It's fun. And it's really the easy things like that that are good to do on a date -- if you made a fancy pastry in their kitchen, there would be a lot more cleanup for not much more enjoyment. That's the sort of thing you'd only do in your own kitchen, a day in advance, and I prefer to cook in front of an audience. I'm not a great cook, but I know enough to impress people who "don't cook", and by the time I've dragged them to three different markets looking for the correct types of pea pods they're convinced I'm some sort of male version of Martha Stewart or Ted Allen. It's not about cooking anything fancy, it's about knowing how to exploit people's reactions. Same as any other art medium, it's not about putting the most effort possible into it -- it's about finding the most efficient way to get a good reaction for relatively little work. Art is manipulation of materials in order to get more compliments than you deserve. And be overt about it -- lay out the stuff on the plate in a "pretty" fashion like they do at overpriced restaurants (arrange the solid items in a pattern and then squirt three different sauces across in zig-zags) because the humans seem to like it when the same food is in a different arrangement. The shortcut is to find some delicious bottled sauces that have different attractive colors and you win! (Two-thirds of cooking for someone else is just learning enough about them to be able to predict what you can feed them. Then stock up on bottles of sauce that they'll like, and you'll get them addicted fast.) Anwyay, that's my philosophy. Now do I get my prize? -- K. I need to make one of those branding irons that will put my face on toast. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kevins Bait Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 00:56:31 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Fried rice is something where it comes out the most > > interesting if you make sure the seasonings stick to the lumpy items > > instead of just getting dispersed into the rice, > > How do you manage this? I make a pretty good fried rice, since I > figured out the fridge-it-first trick, and ceased to be afraid of oyster > sauce. But I can't figure out how to make the yummy pepper and coconut > stick to the sausage and not get all up in the rice. (Word.) Okay, so your rice has been in the fridge a while. Mix the sliced sausage, coconut, powdered hot pepper, and other dry seasonings (I use lemongrass powder, for instances) in a bowl and set it aside in the fridge for a few minutes. The sausage should be greasy enough that stuff'll stick to it, especially if you stir in a little bit of oil. Chop or grate your other vegetables (peas, spinach, garlic, and ginger were what I used last time -- couldn't find any pea pods that were acceptable) and put 'em in a bowl. Now get your pan oiled up and heated (remember, it's a little sesame oil plus about three times as much regular oil) then at the appropriate moment throw in a handful from each of your rice, meat, and veggie bowls. Obviously the handfuls from the rice bowl should be bigger. If you don't have a wok, limit yourself to frying relatively small amounts at a time, as it's hard to flip wads of rice if a frying pan is packed full. Don't stir the rice, flip it, if you can. Using a spatula to lift and flip a clump at a time works. Cook until the rice starts to brown. Some of the seasoning will come off when you cook and flip the rice, but that's okay, enough will stay stuck to the sausage to make it come out nice and flavorful instead of just sugary. (For those who don't know, Chinese sausage is very sweet, i.e. bacon plus sugar.) Don't be stingy with the hot pepper, because you're adding it to rice (bland), coconut (sweet), and sausage (sweet). You can use quantities of hot pepper that would otherwise cause people to jump out the window without this getting too spicy because of all that rice mellowing it out. > Also, spaghetti sauce. Super easy to make, and you can impress > everyone, even if you use canned tomatoes. I always start from tomato paste. There's something about concentrating (or drying) and then rehydrating tomatoes that gives them that really tangy flavor I like (not to mention it makes the sauce such a dark color.) My specialty's puttanesca (green & black olives, capers, and celery), my secret is to add finely-grated carrots to both thicken the sauce and reduce any bitterness the other ingredients might give. (Carrots absorb and neutralize bitter, and if you grate them really small they make a good texture enhancement too.) If you have to use olives with the fake orange pimento loaf inside, pick out and throw away the little orange Play-Doh bits, all they'd add to the sauce would be extra saltiness and bitterness. (If you need soggy pimentos, you can buy real pimentos in little jars, or get "salad olives" which include actual pimento bits, just not inside. Or buy an actual hot pepper that hasn't already been boiled three times.) I don't get why some people say "ick" whenever I add black olives. I'd think that if you could handle a green olive (which is very salty) you could handle a black olive (which has a much more mellow flavor.) Black olives are practically candy, I can eat a whole can as a snack. > >And if people are used to canned soup, you can blow them away by > >making real soup, the kind where you simmer it for multiple hours. > > This is true, kids. Listen to your father. > I just impressed the hell out of everyone with a 16 bean soup that > couldn't have been easier. I would never serve 16-bean soup to Kibologists, because then all the dinner conversation would consist of people competing to see who can count all the beans first. Also, they'd know you could buy bags of 16 beans at the market, so it'd have to be something like 31 beans. Don't forget to stain 1 in every 10 beans with beet juice so you can play "Roman Army Morale Officer". -- K. After that nobody'll complain about getting fava beans for dinner. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kevins Bait Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 05:24:04 -0400 TomH (address@my.sig) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I don't get why some people say "ick" whenever I add black olives. > > I'd think that if you could handle a green olive (which is very salty) > > you could handle a black olive (which has a much more mellow flavor.) > > Black olives are practically candy, I can eat a whole can as a snack. > > I'll be right over. Warm up the can opener. Okay, I'm putting the can opener in the brazier so that by the time you get here it should be glowing at least orange-hot. If you want ultraviolet-hot, give me some extra time to pack enough Tesla coils into the microwave oven to cause a space-time rift opening up a portal into The Dimension That's Really, Really Hot and I'll put on my Super-Asbestos glove and stick the can opener into the rift for precisely 3.1416 seconds so that it'll glow so bright that it'll melt your eyeballs if you even consider looking at it. > "Black olives" are not so easily found around here. Unless > you like the supermarket variety that taste like drywall > compound. Ethnic specialty stores carry tastier varieties. The Super 88 Supermarket has many types of the weird Asian interpretations of olives, which are usually dried and/or candied and not steeped in salty, copper-gluconate-laced brine the way the delicious ones from normal supermarkets are. For some reason, Asians consider olives to be fruit like cherries and raisins, when we here in Normal America understand that olives are really just squishy ellipsoids of unknown origin bobbing in a big jar of black dye, each with a tiny "X" on one side an an "O" on the other. > I find it easiest to go Kalamata and pick up the 2 KG barrel > at Costco. Pit them with a cherry pitter and add huge > quantities to put the putana in your putanesca. Over there, do they still use the classic sizing system where the tiny ones are "Large" and the small ones are "giant" and the regular ones are "Ultra-Gigundo Amazing Colossal Manly Man Size"? -- K. Well, I'm hungry now. You're mean! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kevins Bait Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 21:14:28 -0400 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > the panty cat pads in on thigh sauce feet > > it sits looking > over system 7 finder > on sosumi file forks > and then moves on. Hey, your haiku doesn't rhyme. Or have the right number of anapests. Or mention a man from Nansquicket who kept in his pocket a cricket. Or use only six-letter words. And now, I will demonstrate my own awesome linguismatastical skills by writing a poem which rhymes perfectly, has a uniform meter, and doesn't drone on and on forever like Shakespeare: JAMES "KIBO" PARRY PRESENTS A POEM: UNTITLED POEM TITLED "UNTITLED", THE FIRST POEM IN A LIMITED SERIES OF 50,000 Eat meat! THIS POEM IS COPYRIGHT (C) 2005 JAMES "KIBO" PARRY ALL RIGHTS RESERVED -- TODOS LOS DERECHOS RESERVADOS. IF YOU WANT TO FILM A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE BASED ON ON MY POEM, LICENSING FEES START AT FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS. I BET YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THE EXTRA WORD IN THE THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE BECAUSE EVERYONE IN THE WORLD EXCEPT FOR FOR ME ALWAYS FALLS FOR THAT TRICK. HAW HAW, I AM SO SO SMART. See? World's shortest and therefore best poem. All other things being equal, this poem is better because if everything else is equal then all the other stuff in the Universe is just the same as all the other stuff in the Universe and therefore more boring than me. -- K. Note that my last sentence of capitals began with an even simpler two-word poem using the rhyme scheme "A=A". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: rec.food.baking,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: rec.food.baking (meta) Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 20:08:11 -0400 In rec.food.baking and alt.religion.kibology, Roy (rbasan7@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...blah blah blah...] > > Helping somebody is the same, either its an old or feeble person to > cross the street or just a hapless cooking enthusiast looking for > answers to his/her cookery related questions. You're mean. Just because old people are all old and feeble and stuff is no reason you should try to relocate them all to the opposite side of your street. Also, why are you talking about cooking? Rec.food.baking is for baking. Cooking is over in rec.food.cooking. There's no rec.food.frying, so don't try to talk about making your own KFC or the Internet Police will arrest you before you've even finished asking what the Colonel's eleven secret herbs and spices are. -- K. (At least one of them is fish scales. Now you know why they're secret.) P.S. Does anyone know how they get the bones into the Animal 57 before frying it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: rec.food.baking,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: rec.food.baking (meta) Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 01:30:49 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. Does anyone know how they get the bones into the > > Animal 57 before frying it? > > After being "processed" into a non-living state, and has been > set in forms representing the various shapes needed, and before > the "meat" gels, they press simulated calcium-based "bones" into > the carcass pieces. Different forms get different "bones". I'd love to see the fancy machine they use to take the bones out again before they make the popcorn chicken. Someone should invent popcorn popcorn. You'd pop some corn, then chop it up into little bits, then batter the bits and deep-fry them. But would popcorn chicken fried steak be a popcorn-chicken-style fried steak, or a popcorn-style chicken fried steak? > Which is what makes eating KFC so fun - trying to find the 1 > "breast" shape that has a "thigh bone" in it ! This one time I was eating at KFC and I found a drumstick with an entire horse in it. But it turned out to be just an animal cracker so when I asked the manager whether he thought I should sue him he said no. -- K. Is there a recipe for making Necco wafers at home from common household porcelain ashtrays? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More weird shit I got in the post today Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2005 20:24:38 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > I donut remember if I told you all kibolophiles about my > > invitations to the Spanish embassy and the Irish Embassy, but I > > remember I mentioned the "Marquis Who's Who" junk mail. Was that from the real "Marquis Who's Who", or the other one of the same name run by Oprah Winfrey? > > This morning to my desk at work (at the SEKRIT DEATH FACTORY) was > > delivered a big envelope containing an invite from Ken > > Livingstone, Mayor of London, to attend the Mayor's Irish > > Scoieties Reception. Hey, I don't believe you work at the Secret Death Factory -- how come I've never seen you there? If you really do work at the Secret Death Factory, prove it: What are the eight reasons not to touch this large-diameter tungsten rod? > > It would all make more sense if I had the slightest documented > > dropperino of Irish boold, or if I had been a member of any > > identifiably Irish society since leaving the Dhahran Hurling Club > > (Cumann Naomh Abdullah). > > > > I shan't go, but it's nice to get unexpected invites to random > > odd things from time to time. > > Big deal-- I get invitations ALL THE TIME from people wanting me to > meet them behind a bar, or with pistols at dawn, or to leave town and > never come back and I don't go. Mang, you never see ME posting about > them to ARK! Meet me behind the bar and I'll give you something to post about. Be sure to bring your wimpy little tungsten rod. > Then again, you're Engerlish, so la-di-dah, la-di-dah. > I'll bet when the QUEEN of Engerland invites you to Balmoral to FOX > HUNT with him and Camilla, you'll go THEN, won't you?! But you won't > go to ANYTHING IRISH, will you? I live in a city which has billboards supporting the IRA, so I have all the advantages of living in Ireland without the disadvantage of having England next door. However, I never get invited to any of those Irish Societies Receptions. Nor would they let the Queen march in our local St. Patrick's parade. As a result, I do not expect to ever get invited to go fox hunting, especially as the royals know I'd embarrass them by exterminating all the foxes so that people in England would all say "Ha ha, the Royal Family isn't even any good at killing cute little critters. So we think Kibo should be king instead. Or if not Kibo, John Goodman." Whatever happened to John Goodman? Did he die or something? Or did he just become so typecast as a regular guy that he became invisible amid a sea of actual regular guys? -- K. Now head for the alley while I get my tungsten Giant H. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Trivia Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 01:42:13 -0400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > A local bar has this team trivia competition on Wednesday nights where you > can win a bar tab if your team happens to get the most correct answers to > their obscure questions. Tonight, the team looked to me (well, me and > another geek) to the answer for the question: > > In Chatrooms, what does the angry signoff BIOYIOP mean? According to Google, it has only been said on the Web about 1,900 times, and all of those 1,900 mentions are on pages titled "HERE IS A HANDY LIST OF INTERNET CUTESYISMS SUITABLE FOR FILLING UP HALF A PAGE IN CRAPPY NEWSPAPERS." I think even "NGETTAMTAMD" gets said more often. > I didn't have the slightest idea but took a stab at it. An incorrect stab. I'm rooting for it to be an angry stab! We must stamp out fake Internet jargon. > So just how common is this allegedly well known term? Anyone? Buelher? Don't make me do my Ben Stein impression, 'cause once I start, I tend to do it for weeks at a time. > We still came in second and added another $50 to our accumulated bar tab, > but the full $100 tab would have been a nice addition. Oh, NGETTAMTAMD. -- K. I bet Ben Stein would have gotten it right. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Durian Ice Cream Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 01:52:48 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > [http://www.radaronline.com/web-only/style-slave/2005/05/they-all-scream.php] > -> > -> Flavor: DURIAN > -> Provenance: Polly Ann's, San Francisco, California. > -> Mason: A kind word would be wretched. You get this from Spice Market? > -> Pichet will say it's not as good as his. > -> Ong: The taste is not horrible, but I make mine stronger. It should > -> be chunky with bits of durian. > -> Molly, age 6: Ew. It looks like dog pee. I'm not tasting it. > -> Alexander, age 10: That's fart ice cream, isn't it? > -> Thelonious, age 7: I'm poisoned! I'm poisoned! > -> Thelonious's mom: Did you just poison my child? "The taste is not horrible, but I make mine stronger" means "Needs more durian because it doesn't yet smell like cat puke." Durians don't taste as bad as they smell, but on the other hand I can think of 473,000 other flavors I'd rather find in my ice cream, from asafetida to zwieback. So what's a "style slave"? Is that someone who follows three paces behind you carrying a stopwatch to alert you the second your clothes are no longer trendy enough to warrant keeping a style slave? And how long do they live if you feed them nothing but durian ice cream? -- K. And where can I buy that mythical fart ice cream? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: tj Frazir sightings Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 02:37:06 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) offered someone another zillion imaginary dollars: > > post a bank number and ill just direct deposit it. > open an account for it idiot. > I dont nead your name ,,just a set of numbers. Do the numbers have to be a matched set, like your IQ and shoe size? > if not this week you will be waiting till I get back from hk then the > next week. Gee, why doesn't your WebTV work in Hong Kong? Is it that they don't have the Web, or they don't have TVs? Maybe you could make a few bucks by bringing modern technology like the WebTV to Hong Kong. -- K. Also, you misspelled "ideit". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (new for June 2005): Spot's Indifferent Assertion Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 03:05:17 -0400 Spot's Indifferent Assertion Copyright (c) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry "I don't really care that 'indifferent' may or may not be spelled correctly in the title of this story," said Spot languidly. "I figure it's probably one or the other but I really don't care 'cause it's just a stupid word." Then he fell asleep on top of the nuclear bomb he was supposed to be guarding, and in the morning, it woke him up by vaporizing him and most of the surrounding city. "Waah! I've been vaporized!" whined a tiny wisp of vapor. But nobody heard him because they were all busy being dead. So the wisp of vapor drifted over the border into Canada, which had an anti-nuclear-weapon defense program which stopped all radiation at the border. Vapor Spot floated to Toronto and swirled around inside the Bata Shoe Museum. "I thought the Shoe Museum was going to have interesting stuff, but it turns out it's just shoes!" said Spot, before getting absorbed by the Odor-Eaters in Elton John's "Pinball Wizard" boots. Spot cried! It was his shortest adventure ever. THE END! "Hey, I just heard something end!" Einstein dropped his Sunday newspaper comics section and put on his best rumpled hat. "Now's my time to shine!" Einstein Shows Up Unexpectedly Copyright (c) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry "Whee!" screamed Einstein as he slid down his Einstein-pole and hopped into his Einstein-mobile to race to where the narrator was still describing what was happening to Spot even though Spot had ceased to exist. Unfortunately, Einstein didn't get very far because he forgot the Einstein-mobile was just a cardboard box where "SALTINE CRACKERS" was crossed out and "NOT SALTINE CRACKERS" was scrawled on it in crayon. And then each of the "E"s had been crossed out and replaced with "mc^2". Einstein sat in his cardboard box, sweating with the exertion of trying to make it go. His sweat seeped into the cardboard box until it collapsed and he fell out. "Ow, I hit my head where my face doesn't cover! I better find another way of getting to where everyone can hear what I'm doing! I know, I'll put on those super-tall Elton John boots so I can take six-foot strides!" He reached up towards the Spot story but his arm accidentally brushed against "THE END!", killing him instantly. THE END! When Batman showed up to investigate the sudden death of Einstein (as detected on his Bat-Einstein-Death-Detector), he picked up the newspaper Einstein had dropped. Because it was the current edition, it now said that Einstein had died, and also that this story was now titled Batman's Montezuma's Revenge Copyright (c) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry "Uh oh!" gasped Batman. "It seems I'm going to have a bad case of Montezuma's Revenge! This must be the work of my old arch-enemy, The Diarrheonator!" He quickly began to wrap his abdomen in Bat-Aluminum Foil to keep out any anti- continence rays. Meanwhile, his sidekick Robin finished licking the crime scene for fingerprints. "Einstein's house tastes gross!" said Robin while making a face Batman didn't like to see him making, so Batman put up the Bat-Folding-Robin-Blocker to hide Robin's sour puss. But this meant he couldn't see the nuclear shock wave from Spot's death approaching them and was not able to yell "HOLY HYDROGEN! A DEADLY BLAST IS APPROACHING US! QUICK, BATMAN, DUCK BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S MOVING AT ALMOST THE SPEED OF LIGHT!" Batman was blasted off the face of the Earth, but the Bat-Folding-Robin-Blocker saved Robin's life. Robin looked around. Everything had been destroyed. Except for the Batmobile. The nuclear blast had just changed it from a really cool Batmobile into a cardboard box with "MONUMENT TO EINSTEIN'S GREATEST AUTOMOTIVE INVENTION" written on it in crayon. Robin didn't like this at all! He reached into his utility belt to see if he could find a "THE END!" pill to stop the story here. Unfortunately, the night before, Batman had filled Robin's utility belt with warm sour cream. Robin's hand was all goopy! "Well," said Robin, "At least I won't starve to death." He licked his fingers and then immediately died of Batman's Montezuma's Revenge. THE END! -- K. NOW GET OFFA MY LAWN! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Cure For Gay Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 03:14:31 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> In 1982, they held a marriage ceremony and lived together until > > -> Cooper died nine years later. > > > > And then he moved in with David Cross. And they went on a > > Big Gay Boat Party. With heavy-metal band Titanica. And then > > they gave a live stage show with a filmed cameo by Andy Dick. > > (Andy Dick couldn't appear in person because that would have > > made "Mr. Show" too gay.) > > Way to riff on that line about the dead guy. But you misspelled > "Wyckid Scepter", and probably so did I. "Wyckyd Scyptyre", "Titanica", they're the same guys in the same wigs, it's just that they're "Titanica" when they're talking to David Cross dressed as a happy wet cigar and "Wyckyd Scyptyre" the rest of the time. I probably spelled it wrong too but I'm too lazy to look it up because if I knew how to spell it it would be easier to look it up. > > -> "The desires never go away," Bussee said. "After dealing with > > -> hundreds of people, I have not met one who went from gay to > > -> straight. Even if you manage to alter someone's sexual behavior, > > -> you cannot change their true sexual orientation." > > > > That's not what the orange juice commercials explained to Olive Oyl! > > Wait a minute. If people can go from straight to gay, as you've > previously indicated is possible, why not backwards? Even by > accident? I think it's _only_ possible by accident. > Have you noticed even one regular who isn't coming to the Dark > Noisy Bar anymore now that the Doublemint twins are back? They have a Hershey's Krackel in dark chocolate now? > Are they starting an "ex-straight ministry" and hiring Brian > Posehn to gay him back up? <-- Another Mr. Show reference!!!1 Yeah, well, I am not a robot, or something, NO YOU SHUT UP! It's fun to just paste together references to other people's comedy. Now let's dress up like those guys from "Casablanca" so we can re-enact that scene where Humphrey Bogart shoved the grapefruit into the face of that other guy from "Casablanca", you know, the one who did the voice of Gomez Addams in the cartoons. -- K. YOU ARE NOT "KUNG FU"! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Brian Posehn (was: The Cure For Gay) (-- no he wasn't) Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 03:23:15 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Oh yeah, and I'm not sure if I mentioned this but if Brian Posehn > doesn't read ark he probably should. Or shouldn't. I mean, I'm > not saying he should be funny for free or anything. There was even a whole thread a few years ago about how I could never remember his name until I gave him the finger and now I can. So that's why he should show up here and give all of us the finger to see if that makes all of us forget his name and then we could recycle the whole thread to save all the work of having to write more sentences like this one, period carriage return. It's called a "carriage return" because in the olden days it took a team of four horses to pull your computer screen all the way back to the left so you could draw the next letter on it with your lump of coal. Fortunately, Abraham Lincoln saw that there had to be a better way, but unfortunately, the solution was lost in the fierce gun battle he waged when he was defending his other invention, Mayostard, or was it Mustardayonnaise? I can't remember every detail of everything Tom Kenny ever did, even though I really do like that one cartoon where Sponge Bob was played by video footage of a plain kitchen sponge held up by a little stick. -- K. (Zoom in on the inside of Brian Posehn's head. Tom Kenny, in an old Army jacket and wearing a Mohawk, says "I AM BRIAN POSEHN'S PSYCHOPATHIC DISORDER!" and shoots everyone.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The most horrifying thing ever seen on TV! Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 04:40:13 -0400 It was on ABC's "Supernanny" tonight. Nanny Jo -- a very serious Englishwoman built like Danny DeVito -- was sitting in a chair. With her legs crossed. You see where I'm going with this, right? Already, your brain is beginning to curdle... Sitting with her legs crossed. In a short skirt. And for some reason the cameraman had chosen to plant the camera directly in front of the chair, below knee level. I think the American viewing public was about a quarter of an inch away from seeing whether Nanny Jo wears underpanties. WHY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY WERE WE SO NEARLY EXPOSED TO THAT? I'm assuming the cameraman had something against Nanny Jo and chose to film her from that angle specifically to humiliate her. Of course low angles of the Supernanny are one of the more obvious ways the narrative of this show is constructed (making her look big and powerful as she must appear to the kids) but come on, someone saw her sitting with her legs crossed and said, "Hey, let's go 'Basic Instinct' on her!" This could only have been done because some evil cameraman dislikes Jo, or perhaps has a thigh fetish, or perhaps is being paid by the Communists to sicken all Americans. The cameraman who took that shot, and the editor who chose to air it, should both be put on a Naughty Spot at the center of the Sun until they're very sorry. PLEASE, ABC, NO MORE NANNY SUPERCROTCH CAMSHOTS. NO MORE SUPERUPNANNYSKIRTS, NO MORE UPSUPERSKIRTNANNIES, AND NO MORE "FIND THE MANOMETER" EXHIBITS. -- K. The only way this show could be grosser is if it featured Nanny Michael Jackson. Brrr! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The most horrifying thing ever seen on TV! Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 05:19:35 -0400 A short while ago, I wrote: > > It was on ABC's "Supernanny" tonight. > > Nanny Jo [...] Sitting with her legs crossed. In a short skirt. > > [...] > > I think the American viewing public was about a quarter of an inch > away from seeing whether Nanny Jo wears underpanties. > > WHY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY WERE WE SO NEARLY EXPOSED TO THAT? I'm now glad I saw that. You ask why? Because immediately afterwards was some wimpy little TV Land documentary about how gay people like sitcoms. It began by having a bunch of people declare matter-of-factly that all gay men worship Bea Arthur, Delta Burke, and Roseanne Barr. That claim nearly made me turn straight on the spot, but fortunately the horrifying image of Nanny Joe's nannypantyzone had already been burned into my brain, so now I'm just disgusted. As far as my feelings about Delta Burke et al go, my favorite moment from "Sledge Hammer!" has always been the scene where Dr. Arthur Deco (Richard Moll) builds a robot designed to prevent any human from watching "Designing Women". I should add that when I shave and take off my glasses, I turn into Richard Moll as Billy Bob Thornton as Richard Moll as me. I got that real big tall Richard Moll skull. That "Sledge Hammer!" episode also featured Armin Shimerman and Sid Haig. Once at the Museum Of Science I had my head turned into Armin Shimerman's. Unlike me and Richard Moll and me and Armin Shimerman, I have no connection with Sid Haig, even though he became a relationship counselor after a long career of being the evil dictator of twenty-eight different countries on "Mission: Impossible". My theory is that for that episode of "Sledge Hammer!" they called up Central Casting and said "This is a weird comedy, so send us three actors with weird-shaped faces!" -- K. I guess Gene Rayburn was busy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: CNN interviews Ted Turner on the subject of CNN on Ted Turner on CNN Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 05:41:08 -0400 [www.macon.com] -> -> Turner: CNN focuses too much on perverts So he wants it to be more like "Cops", where the perverts are blurry? -> CNN should cover international news and the environment, not the -> "pervert of the day," network founder Ted Turner said Wednesday -> as the first 24-hour news network turned 25. Hey, you can't be a pervert for just a day! It's a lifetime commitment! You know, like being married to Barbarella. -- K. You marry Jane Fonda just once and you're marked for life, even if none of your other wives is a Communist porn star in outer space. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More wrestling personae for Clans. Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 20:53:43 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > Is it still schadenfreude if you feel kind of guilty about it? > > > I don't feel like I ever get the full benefit of schadenfreude > > > because I'm always thinking, "Ha! He *so* deserved that! > > > Uh, but I shouldn't judge others. And he's not really that bad > > > of a guy..." > > > > You're not very good at schadenfreude if you get caught up in who > > deserves what. > > Yeah, that was my point. I'm bad at schadenfreude. I need > schadenfreude lessons. Well, you're not going to get them from me, because I enjoy seeing you suffering from feelings of inadequate schadenfreudianism. Schadenfreude is the lazy person's sadism. To do it right, you've got to get off the couch and make something happen! Otherwise you're going to spend your whole life watching reruns of "Cops". > [...] I'm also the person who got really upset at a commercial > a long time ago, with an animated teddy bear cookie jar that got > SO SAD when he had no cookies inside him because the family > ABANDONED HIM for another snack. I mean, it had it all -- sad cute > critter, unjust turmoil, and cookies. I didn't watch TV for a year. But did you eat that brand of cookies during that year? And did you resume watching TV because the supermarket ran out of them? My strategy for dealing with commercials is that I throw them all into this little bin in the bottom of my TiVo, where once every five years I have to empty out this tiny compressed block of stupid. I would recycle it, but I don't think the world needs any more blue margarine. -- K. Gotta go, I need to iron the creases in my cop uniform. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Sensory Loft? Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 21:39:19 -0400 [www.boston.com] -> -> THIS STORY HAS BEEN FORMATTED FOR EASY PRINTING -> -> Contracts help preschoolers learn how they should behave -> -> By Barbara F. Meltz, Globe Staff -> -> Five-year-old Isaiah Anderson sometimes hits, kicks, and screams, -> behaviors that would get him expelled at many preschools. At Tufts -> Educational Day Care in Somerville, it got him a signing ceremony -> in director Janet Zeller's office. With teachers and his mom as -> witnesses, here's what he agreed to: -> -> ''I, Isaiah Anderson, know how to listen to my teachers. When my -> teachers talk to me, I will not scream, try to hit, or say you're -> not my boss. If I do any of these things, I will go to the sensory -> loft so I can slow down my heart. I am an expert at using the -> sensory loft to slow down my heart. This is hard work but I know I -> can do it." What's a Sensory Loft? Is it a sensory-deprivation chamber or a sensory-overstimulation chamber? Or is it sensory deprivation on one side and overstimulation on the other to make you tip over? I want one. Unless it's just some sissy thing like the Harmony Hut from "Addams Family Values", in which case I'm just going to stay home and practice doing my light bulb trick. -> Zeller's office walls are filled with contracts like these, -> promises 3-, 4- and 5-year-olds formulate with their teachers to -> learn how to control behaviors that get them in trouble and make -> them feel bad. They call it ''being the boss of your own body." My favorite Massachusetts State Police billboard said something like that. "BE THE BOSS OF YOUR OWN BODY -- BEFORE WE DO." Not in those exact words, but with the same insinuation of enslavement and colon searches. -> Like many children who struggle with impulse control, Isaiah has -> learned that when he is upset, frustrated, or angry, it's as if -> he's a car and the engine is out of control. It's not safe to -> drive. The car -- Isaiah -- might get hurt, or it might hurt -> others. But his body gives him a signal. When his heart beats fast -> and he's not exercising, his engine is out of control. He can fix -> it by going to the loft, where over-size pillows, cuddly blankets, -> sound blockers, and sunglasses are among the props a teacher helps -> him use to calm himself so he can rejoin the activity. "YAY! I'VE BEEN A BAD BOY SO NOW I GET TO WEAR SUNGLASSES!" Also, I imagine the Sensory Loft looking just like the inside of Jeanie's bottle. -> It could be a skill that will last a lifetime. Even if not, it is -> likely to keep him from being expelled. "If I get expelled, do I get to keep the sunglasses?" -> [...] -> -> Time is critical to turn a child around. When a child at Zeller's -> preschool has a contract, it can take a month or a year before -> there is yet another ceremony: removal of the contract, a joyful -> celebration that says: ''You did it!" "Now I never have to be good again! Also I can mix single and double quotes!" -> Some children want to tear up the contract, some want to take it -> home. Zeller suspects Isaiah will be in the latter category. Almost -> daily, he brings his contract out of his cubby to read with teacher -> Aimee Ellingwood. -> -> ''My contract makes me happy," he tells her. ''I like it. It helps me." He hasn't yet learned to read the really tiny print at the bottom that signed him up for AT&T long-distance service. -- K. I don't have to honor any contracts because I once signed one where it said I did not need to honor any other contracts ever again. And all I had to give in exchange for that was... A HUMAN SOUL! PROBABLY YOURS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This NY Times article is not "funny ha-ha", more like "funny oh shut the fuck up." Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 05:13:39 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > To save you folks the trouble of watching Jay, Dave, or Conan tonight: > > > > > > yadda yadda yadda Star Jones? > > > > yadda yadda yadda yadda ate him. > > I've always wanted to attend a party that died down around 10:35, so > that I could propose a game of "Guess the Jay Leno punchline". It would be harder to guess what the "yadda yadda yadda" part is. If Jay Leno starts off, "President Bush said yadda yadda yadda..." Even Brett Somers could guess that this will be the punchline: "...because he's stupid!" The hard part is guessing the "yadda yadda yadda" part before Jay tells you what word the President used in a sentence today. To sum up all recent politics in this country from the point of view of TV: From 1976 to 1980, the President liked peanuts. The Vice President wasn't even interesting enough to make fun of. From 1980 to 1988, the President was senile. The Vice President was a wimp. From 1988 to 1992, the President was inarticulate. The Vice President was stupid. From 1992 to 2000, the President was fat, and horny. The Vice President was so completely normal that it made him a tremendous nerd. From 2000 to 2008, the President was stupid, and the Vice President was evil. From 2008 to 2037, the President was on goofballs, and the Vice President smelled like vinyl. From 2037 to 20??, the Emperor had PMS, and the Minister Of Destructovision was a very, very, very nice person who would never hurt anyone who mentioned how handsome and intelligent he was. From 20?? to 20XX, during the Nth Calendar Shift caused by the YSomethingK Problem, the Matter Emperor was gaseous, and the Antimatter Emperor was multi-plasmonic. From 20XX to the Era Of Eternal Dissolution, all life everywhere in the Universe fused into one bodiless energy being, who was simultaneously stupid and a nerd. > How come all the stand-up I'm seeing on Comedy Central has some > racial component? Even white comics are doing it now. Yes, but white comics tell their jokes like _this_, while black comics tell their jokes like _this_, and Asian comics use their chopsticks to hold up the joke like _this_, and people from the Antimatter Emperor's multi-plasmonic dimension tell jokes in Universes that are shaped like _this_... -- K. It's too bad you can't see my hands, I'm gesturing in a really funny direction outside of space and time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: apology about that gay thing Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 06:01:26 -0400 [...some discussion I came in late for...] Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > [...] > > So I got miffed at Kibo, which, really, is not all that difficult to > accomplish, and I would just like to say that I'm really not too smart to > like gay men. Oh, whatever. The choice is yours! If being not smart is what it takes to make you a fag hag, you're allowed. Just choose one or the other. Just remember, if you become a fag hag, you can never be smart again. You'll have to date pairs of married men while watching "The Benny Hill Show". Or, if you choose to be smart, you can never again be a fag hag. You'll have to lust after men who don't know where anything in the supermarket is. And you'll go crazy using your brain power to explain to them over and over that the veggies are always in the front because they're pretty and the milk and bread are always in the back so that you have to go past all the other stuff to get to them except in the Prudential Shaw's where the market is all back so everything is equidistant from you at all times due to the warped Riemannian geometry caused by that aisle with the branch in it. > I'm sorry I said I was smart about something. You know, I really should have a spot in my .signature for famous quotations... > I was just very angry after watching 10 minutes of Benny "World's Least > Funny Man" Hill pretend to not be gay while butchering the delivery of > every joke in the world. Hey, he was actually funny for at least 3% of each hour-long episode he did on Thames in the 1970s! He was, however, 104% not funny during his '50s-'60s BBC series and his '80s HBO series. And yes, I've seen them all. I have the good episodes from the '70s completely memorized. This is why I am occasionally heard to hum a medley of "Yakety Sax" and "Mah-Na-Mah-Na" while slapping bald people around. How dare they be bald! Always confusing me with their heads that look exactly like breasts under highly contrived circumstances! If you were straight you'd get Benny Hill. I bet you also don't like all those people who stole their entire acts verbatim from Benny Hill, such as Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton and Laurel and Hardy. Such rampant plagiarism, yet they couldn't even be bothered to copy the two pieces of music that played eighty-four times an episode. I think the first "SCTV" box set is the one which has Dave Thomas starring in "The Benny Hill Street Blues". It's hideous yet brilliant. How could Benny Hill have been bad if he inspired a parody that smart? -- K. dee dee dee deedle-dee-dee dee dee dee, dee dee dee deedle-dee-dee deedle-dee-dee-dee... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New species discovered Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 07:07:01 -0400 Stop the presses! A new species of packing peanut has been discovered! We're all familiar with the classic '70s-style "8" peanuts, as well as the "S", "C", "H", "L", "E", and "3" variants. Well, yesterday I received an eBay item packaged in a box which had originally been mailed from China, and I don't remember what was in the box, what was important was that it had interesting packing peanuts! These exotic foreign peanuts are rotationally-symmetric trilobites, with three pseudopodia at 120 degrees apart. Basically, they're fat "Y"s. Like starfish that got bored and stopped after growing the first three arms. As part of my taxonomic research, I shall now diagram the correspondence between packing peanuts and other Styrofoam-like food items: packing peanut styrofood it's shaped like -------------- -------------------------- 8 C3POs cereal S Stella D'Oro Breakfast "Treat" C Burger King Croissan'wich H Giant H On A Stick L Lbow Macaroni E Penrose's Impossible Widget Chews 3 New Two-Calorie Threes Y Bootleg Meow Mix Now With Wishbones For Choking On However, scientists cannot agree whether it is possible for there to be other packing peanuts such as "G"s or "Q"s. This will be resolved once they settle the question of whether Alpha-Bits is allowed to be 26 different letters of packing peanuts or just a cereal which kids only think they want to eat. There are also Styrofoam peanuts shaped like hollow hemispheres, which obviously correspond to Quisp cereal, except they're not a letter of the alphabet so they pose a problem and thus must be ignored. And then there are those puffy ones which look like white Cheetos but taste like nothing -- the ones made from corn starch so they'll dissolve when you flush them instead of just floating out to sea to become part of The Great Sargasso Beanbag Chair. -- K. What do they use for packing peanuts on high-gravity planets? Grapeshot or just rocks? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New species discovered Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:54:45 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > Er, no, libraries *should* smell like sekrit herbs and > > spices, because it masks the smell of pee. > > oh dear god! i don't go to the stacks very often, but there > is one floor that really *does* smell like pee. So I assume it's a one-floor library? > it's disgusting! and don't get me started on the bathrooms. > i could rant about people who don't know how to flush or wash > their hands, but who wants to hear that? what i *will* rant > about is the number of people who do not even use TP. ick! > there's nothing quite like realizing that the person in the > next stall is zipping up their jeans and YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THE > TP DISPENSER MAKE A SINGLE NOISE. THIS IS LISTENING QUIETLY FETISH I now imagine you sitting on the toilet bowl with your legs drawn up like Violet in "9 to 5" wearing a big pair of headphones attached to one of those parabolic microphone guns and a reel-to-reel tape recorder from Target's Peter Graves collection. Oh shoot, I just got on the bus leaving Target and realized that I forgot to get any self-destruct refills for my tape recorder. Also I didn't see any of those magical latex Halloween masks that allow Leonard Nimoy to fit his big bony head inside Larry Linville's chinless little head. I think he also had those special kinky boots that make you shorter. To sum up, is there a library that doesn't smell like urine and isn't filled with fart gas? Long ago I developed a theory that farts go into libraries and stay there forever. Libraries need to figure out a way to trick people into checking out farts and then never returning them. Part of the problem, of course, is that libraries give people gas. Something about being around all that cellulose. They need to replace all their treeware with Books On UMD. (In six months, nobody'll remember what a UMD was...) -- K. But for some reason I still remember what a CD-i was. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: library perverts (was: packing peanuts) Date: Sun, 05 Jun 2005 18:03:40 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Tell me more about the Creepy Peeper, > > let's see. it was the summer i worked in the stacks, shelving books, so > it was 1988 or '89. we started finding entire shelves of books sitting > on the floor. Did you quote "Ghostbusters"? "No human would stack books like this!" > all these removed books afforded perfect views of various > study carrels. then, one night, i noticed a sticky mess squooshed > between two of the books. o ick! i mentioned it to the night > supervisor, who, also, said "o ick!" No, "He slimed me!" > she told the circulation folks about it and they told her that they'd > gotten numerous complaints from girls that some creep was peeping at > them while they studied. this had been going on for several weeks. > > library security hadn't done anything about it, so we decided to try to > catch the guy. (hey, shelving books is teh bo-o-oring.) "I used to have part of a Slinky, but I straightened it." > it took awhile, but we finally got a good look at him. we weren't > able to catch him, though, because he was too damned quick. cleverly, > he was using the stairwells to escape, instead of the elevators. Of course. Because he doesn't want to ride in the elevator with all those elevator masturbators. Those people are gross. > then, one day, the night stacks supervisor saw the Creepy Peeper at > Symphony on the Green. I've seen "Ghostbusters" 547 times, and it was actually the Tavern on the Green. > CP went into the science building and she sent her boyfriend in > after him, to spy. it was like something out of a teevee detective > show, i tell ya'. CP went to a phone booth and made a call, in > which he identified himself! It was a lucky coincidence that this guy with the "C.P." initials turned out to be the Creepy Peeper. > armed with a name, we made up a bunch of flyers saying "Mr. Creepy > Peeper Dude, we know who you are and we know what you do." "It's true, this man has no dick." Or if you've only ever seen the TV edit of the movie, "It's true, this man is some type of rodent, I don't know which." > we posted them on the insides of all the library stairwell doors > and he was never seen again. teh enb. He probably just started attending the library in a clever Martin-Landau-like disguise. You know, in glamorous drag. > > and I'll tell you about Russel/Lorali. He was a BAD transvestite > > who used to haunt the BSU library, sometimes as the almost- > > reasonable Russel but more often as the loony and terribly unstylish > > drag Lorali. Either way, he/she would return books that he/she > > would somehow make grimey and covered with a light layer of soot . . . > > or covered with something. He would also write in the margins of > > the books, writing stuff in the style of Archie Pu. > > eeew! Have you considered that maybe she _was_ Archimedes Plutonium, glammed up so much you didn't recognize her? After all, Archie shaves his head every day, which is the best thing to do if you want to be able to effectively disguise yourself just by putting on a giant Charo wig. -- K. Also, if you "pretend" to be crazy all the time, you can easily disguise yourself by pretending to be sane. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New species discovered Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:53:41 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > We're all familiar with the classic '70s-style "8" peanuts, as well > > as the "S", "C", "H", "L", "E", and "3" variants. > > I know I'm officially not smart and all, but aren't the E variants just > the 3's turned 180 degrees? Hell no! "3"s are rounder and have a notch in their spine. "E"s are square and look like "E"s. > My research yesterday shows that Amazon still ships with the filled-in > 8's, which look just like circus peanuts, only are white and tastier. Most of the stuff I order from Amazon doesn't get peanuts, it just gets shrink-wrapped to a flat piece of cardboard like some sort of miniature Vacbed Of Procrustes. I hate packing peanuts. You turn on one lousy Van de Graaf generator in your apartment and FOOM all the packing peanuts from the next room jump on you like killer bees chasing Raquel Welch through some guy's bloodstream. > [...] > > Gah. This reminds me of a dream I had just before waking up, two days > ago I guess. I was remembering a cereal I really liked when I was a kid, > and wondering if they made it anymore, and I was really hungry for this > cereal, which I think was chocolate, but I'm not sure. It all seemed so > lucid and normal at the time: old cereal, put it on the grocery list, > find out if it's still sold at Food 4 Less. > Then I woke up and the memory was gone. I still can't remember what the > Mystery Cereal was. Count Chocula? No... S'Mores? Nope. Quisp? No, > definitely not Quisp. It wasn't chocolate, it was Kaboom. The only cereal to have blue pieces in it for many years, plus the tangy zip of citron. Shaped like little Internet smileys except with the eyes on the top. And it had a really mellow clown on the box so as not to scare you. You're welcome. > > And then there are those puffy ones which look like white Cheetos > > but taste like nothing -- the ones made from corn starch so they'll > > dissolve when you flush them > > That's the sound of the Hivemind collectively wondering just how you > know this important information. The second sound you hear is of the > Hivemind collectively jotting this information down in their notebooks. Dude, I can't eat cheez. So of course I've tried the cheez-free packing peanuts. As far as what happens when you flush packing peanuts, a friendly local Ed Norton once told me that at work he has to wade through lagoons of the plastic kind deep in the sewers. Then he demanded I prove I'm a man by beating up William Shatner. -- K. If you could order anyone to beat up William Shatner, who would it be? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Quick Survey: In What Way Does Kibo Make YOU Uncomfortable? Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 23:01:00 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Quick Survey: In What Way Does Kibo Make YOU Uncomfortable? > > I need to know for SCIENCE. Also, in what ways _doesn't_ Kibo make you uncomfortable? I need to know so I can achieve my lifetime goal. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to drill holes crosswise through some giant lag screws, for CAPITALIZED SCIENCE. -- K. Uncomfortable, do I make you? I don't _make_ monkeys, I just train 'em! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Quick Survey: In What Way Does Kibo Make YOU Uncomfortable? Date: Mon, 06 Jun 2005 04:23:05 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > I'm not telling, because it has to do with what he knows about me and > never mentions, and as long as I don't say which thing he knows is the > one that makes me uncomfortable he'll have to spout out a whole one > hundred seventy-five-line post to be sure he's mentioned it, and then > it'll be so buried in all that text that nobody will notice it anyway. Ohhhhhh GlennnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNnnnnn, Have you looked between pages 314 and 315 in your phone book lately? Hope you're wearing rubber gloves. > The only person less sinister than Kibo that I ever met was John Cage. The only way to properly meet John Cage is to stand perfectly still in an unfurnished, windowless, doorless spherical room all by yourself for 473 minutes. At yet at no moment during those 473 minutes will you meet him, but after completing the total of 473 minutes you will know that you have truly met John Cage. Also, you can't bring a bag of popcorn into The John Cage Room. If you even try, the popcorn will cease to exist. And I don't just mean you bag, I mean all of it, everywhere. And that'll make Baby Paul Newman cry. And they'll put drawings of Crying Baby Paul Newman on every food product in the supermarket. So be very careful when you meet John Cage. This post is 175 lines long by 473 minutes wide. -- K. DING! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eczema Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 23:10:34 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > [to Rose Marie Holt] > > Have them check you for an allergy to nickle. My mother's "eczema" > was actually an allergy to nickle. They didn't figure that out until > she had clawed both her arms to bloody shreds. A nice look for > summer. You'd be surprised how many people have undiagnosed nickel allergies. Some people can be set off just by touching stainless steel (it always contains some nickel) and others are fine until they get stabbed with something nickel-plated which is electrified. (Electricity makes people react more strongly to their metal allergies, since it makes the metal ions jump into them.) Most cheap silver-colored jewelry is either nickel-plated brass or "nickel silver", if you have a strong allergy to nickel you have to spend your life avoiding anything that's not made of hypo-allergenic metals like aluminum, niobium, or titanium. (Note: "surgical steel" jewelry is often marked "hypo-allergenic", which is a lie -- surgical steel is stainless steel with _extra_ nickel.) There are also a lot of people who are allergic to copper (which is in anything made of brass, bronze, sterling silver, or nickel silver) but it's the nickel allergy that's really common. But I bet Dr. Rose already knows this, what with her being a real doctor and me just playing one on TV. Also, I can neither spell nor pronounce "eczema". However, I know how to spell and pronounce "epoxy", but I cannot _type_ it, because every time I try to type "epoxy" it comes out "expoy" or "expoxy". Stupid "x". It should stay in "exczema" where it belongs. -- K. Eczema is the second-worst type of Zima. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eczema Date: Thu, 09 Jun 2005 19:57:58 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > That's a pick up line! > > Are you allergic to zinc? > No > Swallow this... Tim, you can stop trying, you're never going to get that job at Eagle Leather & Zinc. Maybe you should look for something in some other industry where you could make people suffer. Have you considered being a TV network executive, or the guy who tells Steve Jobs that everyone likes large solid areas of fluorescent tertiary colors, or someone who designs impossible mazes for the sides of Happy Meal boxes? -- K. I call dibs on the last one if you don't want it. START HERE ---v ############## ##### # # # # # # # # ## # ### # # # # # # # # # ### # # # # ## # # # ### # # # # # # # # ###### ############# ^--- POT OF GOLD ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eczema Date: Fri, 10 Jun 2005 03:37:53 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tim, you can stop trying, you're never going to get that job at > > Eagle Leather & Zinc. > > Could you imagine how much I would you shill for that store if I HAD got > the job... > > I have also been given responsibilty for the interntal company newsletter. Well write must you be a goood newbsleffer of author thenb. Anyway, I think you may have mis-read the Eagle Leather job posting. It didn't say they wanted you to be their pimp, unless in Australia "pimp" is spelled with a "g". > I want to come up with something different for a design also. > How do you make non-compound, non-masking text paths in Illustrator? You make a text path and then sit on your hands every time you get the urge to use those sexy "Mask > Make" or "Compound Path > Make" commands. Also, I don't think Eagle Leather wanted you to make any masks, just wear 'em. > Should I try using Pagemaker instead or just stick to Dreamweaver? Depends. Did you do your rough layout with colored pencils, or with felt-tip pens? If you used pencils, then Pagemaker, if you used pens, then Dreamweaver. -- K. However, if your boss signed off on the comp in a ballpoint pen, you have to reverse that rule, because of the Coriolis Force as Australia is in the Boomerang Hemisphere. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eczema Date: Sun, 05 Jun 2005 23:47:13 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > When I saw my mom at Thanksgiving time, she was wearing a > > big brace on her arm. Trying to be nice, I asked her what > > happened to her arm. "I have carpal tunnel. Only it's > > REAL carpal tunnel, not like what you had." She was > > referring to the time I got hit by a truck and ended up > > with broken bones and carpal tunnel that required braces, > > long term physical therapy, much drugging and cortisone > > injections and for which surgery would have been > > recommended except that I build up scar tissue so it might > > end up being worse after surgery. I didn't realize it was > > a competition. However, in retrospect, anything attention > > gathering has always been a competition, whether I played > > or not. I should have pointed out to her that carpal > > tunnel messes up your grip strength and then challenged her > > to a strangling contest to see who won the prize for having > > the worst case of carpal tunnel. > > [...] > > I've learned, sorta, that there is no winning with some people - > it doesn't matter what you say. How many times do I have to say "I WIN!" before you get it? > So I am starting to say what I want to, and finding it much better > for my mental/emotional health. That is a good strategy. It's even better when you do it while carrying a broadsword, cattle prod, or flaming durian. Suddenly people start listening instead of just nodding... > And of course you didn't have REAL carpal tunnel - everyone > knows that is a repitition injury induced by patting oneself > on the back, repeatedly, for being #1 in all things. Naw, it's caused by these kids these days with their damn video games. They play those games all day and then you catch carpal tunnel from those damn kids touching the elevator buttons at the mall. Damn kids are too lazy to walk up stairs 'cause of all those damn games. -- K. The only times my wrists have been sore have been from bending stainless steel. I can play video games as much as I want without getting carpal tunnel! Know why? Because only bad players get carpal tunnel, and I ALWAYS WIN! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eczema Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2005 23:16:17 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > Eczema. Who'd have thought. I feel liek idiot. > > Why? It's not like you went to K-Mart and tried to buy socks but bought > eczema instead, out of ignorance. Eczema is not caused by stupidity in > 99.44% of recorded cases. POOR SPOT! His big irregular red spot was caused by stupidity! "DUH," said Spot, and "DUH," said his skin. All of it itched except the little semi-circle in the middle of the "D". But when he scratched his "DUH" he accidentally scratched across the "D" turning his rash into "BUH". "DUH," said Spot as he scratched his "BUH". But eventually the damage he did to the center of the "D" healed. "BUH," he said as he scratched his "DUH". Also, trying on socks at K-Mart gives you athlete's foot, not eczema, and athlete's foot does cause stupidity, because all athletes are stupid. I mean, have you ever tried playing Scrabble against Tie Domi? He can't even make a three-letter word like "DUH" without knocking your tiles off the board and punching you. -- K. The best way to get rid of eczema is to burn it off. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo Subject: Re: Law Enforcement Gone Wild Date: Sat, 04 Jun 2005 19:45:28 -0400 In alt.politics.kibo, soundweapon1@cs.com wrote: > > Law Enforcement Gone Wild > > Ever wonder about secret classified technology mentioned on TV news > reports that give law enforcement the ability to hear and see through > walls? It's called a "screen window". > What are the capabilities of this technology? It keeps the flies out. Or in the case of your home, it keeps the flies in. > Where is it kept? Taking a cue from Edgar Allen Poe's "The Purloined Letter", it is deviously hidden in plain sight! And it's nearly invisible! Whenever you try to look at it, you get distracted by all those pretty trees on the other side! Unless you live near Camden, New Jersey, in which case you get distracted by all the pretty swirling smog on the other side! By the way, that's not smog. > What safeguards are in place to guarantee it is not misused? There's that little catch you have to flip with your thumb before sliding it up, which will deter any burglar who doesn't know that he can just tear the plastic mesh out of the screen window. It's made from the same stuff as pantyhose, but flatter. > You will be shocked to learn that law enforcement has been abusing this > technology for years, possibly decades. Law enforcement has formed > secret police groups that covertly and illegally use this technology to > conduct illegal surveillance against innocent American civilians. > > The technology can be used to electronically see and hear right through > the walls of your home. All your conversations and movements in your > home can be monitored and recorded completely without your knowledge. > For more information, please visit the website listed below. > > Website: > http://ourworld.cs.com/soundweapon/ > > Soundweapon@cs.com Isn't CS a type of deadly nerve gas which is invisible, odorless, and easy to send through telephone lines? > Please Note: Postings on newsgroups of messages relating to this topic > are being removed possibly by the government. Hundreds of newsgroup > postings of related subjects have been removed, sometimes within a few > hours of initial postings. Please copy this information and repost it > in any appropriate newsgroup, including this one. Also, please send > this information to any federal, state, local law enforcement, congress > person, and senator you know of. I'm passing it along to everyone I know in the United States Department Of Firing Brain Rays At You. Of course, they're very busy, so they have to prioritize -- they only have time to fire brain rays at the people who make the most noise complaining about brain rays. -- K. SECRET MESSAGE FOLLOWS *** DO NOT DECODE *** dirns tlenb oebkw bljen dkfhg wjnbk sebtl djebk dnklw nrmda dnrbt tognw bakrh carol nrjtg fjfke bwbrk rnbwk rbktn laser ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo Subject: Re: Law Enforcement Gone Wild Date: Sat, 04 Jun 2005 22:15:40 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > You know what always pissed me off about "The Purloined Letter"? It > wasn't hidden in plain sight, that's just crap. The super sekrit > oh-like-WOW-Dr-Bob-isn't-this-amazing hiding place was that the letter's > envelope was turned inside out and a new address and stamp written on it, > and then placed on a desk where envelopes go. > Duh. That's HIDDEN. That's DISGUISED. It's not "hidden in plain > sight" and everyone who says it was is so extremely bigly wrong. Gah. I was referring to the "Classics Illustrated" 3-D porno comic book, not the lame public domain version you have without even 2-D pictures! Anything that's public domain is no longer worth reading. Next you're going to tell me that in "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea" they only went straight down 19,000 leagues. I say that in my version, Captain Nemo's atomic-powered submarine, the Stingray, went down 20,000 leagues, and furthermore, that "Stingray" was a TV show from the early 1960's. [in another article] > > "The Master" came out during the early 80s, when a lot of single-season > action adventure shows aimed at kids were produced. "Stingray", > "Condorman" and "Airwolf" and a lot of stuff involving ninjas. And, of > course, "Gilligan in Space". Dude, "Stingray" was before even "Thunderbirds", which was before "Captain Scarlet", which was before "UFO", which was set in the distant future year of 1980, so "Stingray" was back when 1980 wasn't even in the future yet. One look at Troy Tempest's eyebrows should tell you that that show was made back when Gerry Anderson was still learning basic tool use. It was done circa 1963. When they later revived the show with Nick Mancuso, it was a total bomb, mainly because the budget ran out before they could buy enough yak hair to give him the right eyebrows. -- K. You write your own stamps? That's not only illegal, it's inefficient, as it costs more than 37c worth of time to draw a Flash Gordon that tiny. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Boom! Date: Sun, 05 Jun 2005 03:44:18 -0400 Just so's you know, today I was working with epoxy putty. It comes in sticks that look like big Tootsie rolls with a creamy center, except not in the same colors. One popular kind is green on the outside and yellow on the inside. You have to knead it to mix them (it has the texture of chewing gum.) Only problem is, whenever I do this, I feel the urge to lean eighty degrees to the left and say, "You've... never... SEEN... me... VERY... UPSET!" then scream "RED LIGHT!!! GREEN LIGHT!!!" and then the wad explodes and the fireball blows me the length of the Chunnel but fortunately the fireball propels me faster than the fireball moves so I don't get roasted and then there's a really stupid sequel. So, I think I've figured out why whenever I try to type "epoxy" it comes out as "expoy". It's because epoxy EXplodes. And because I'm apparently Tom Cruise. Well, at least when the Martians invade Boston, they'll try to kill me by blowing up the wrong neighborhood. Sorry, South End! -- K. And then the Gideons broke into the computer vault at CIA headquarters just to leave a Bible there. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boom! Date: Sun, 05 Jun 2005 07:00:29 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, I think I've figured out why whenever I try to type > > "epoxy" it comes out as "expoy". It's because epoxy > > EXplodes. And because I'm apparently Tom Cruise. > > So type "Milliput", already. "Milliput"? What's that? Have you found a way to make a dreidel only 1/1000th as much fun? "Yay, I won a thousandth of a penny! That's almost a peso!" > And don't try to tell us that it makes you think of Lemuel > Gulliver being stranded in a country full of tiny people wearing > G I Joe camouflage jackets. I feel like that all the time, Tiny. YOU GO SQUISH NOW! -- K. I like the epoxy that comes in flat little packets you can squish, 'cause in an emergency you can use the packets as handwarmers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: o gross Date: Sun, 05 Jun 2005 18:08:44 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > What does it mean when you dream about poo? And when you woke up, you had an extra pillow? -- K. So how many days until "Charlie And The Chocolate Factory" comes out? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: o gross Date: Tue, 07 Jun 2005 02:57:02 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > What does it mean when you dream about poo? > > > > Making it? Or throwing it? > > I dreamed I made one, and it had a little loop on the top like a > soft-serve. It means you've turned Japanese. > And I made it in the garden because I didn't have time to get to > the house. Days later, the memory of the dream is still > creeping me out. Your life is now a living J-horror. Well, at least it's not pinku. -- K. P.S. Dairy Queen products are not really the same as poo. They merely contain artificial poo flavor. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: o gross Date: Tue, 07 Jun 2005 03:52:58 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > [...] > > I'm afraid this unavoidably reminded me of the carefully-lettered > grafitto in the squaddies' bogs (errrh, errh, "latrine block") at > Crowborough Camp when I did my basic training: > > "Shit Rules: All turds over 2lbs to be lowered by hand" But mere hand strength can't lower a hoverturd! (...Theremin noises...) "Run! The hoverturds have risen!" "Aaaaaaaiiiiiieeeeee!" (...more Theremin noises...) "Try swatting them with your shovel!" "It's no good! They're hovering too fast!" (...Theremin noises followed by a commercial for Ovaltine) > It wasn't signed "The Management", but it should have been. Why, was it in the upstairs outhouse? -- K. Military discipline is silly. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Today's geography lesson. Date: Sun, 05 Jun 2005 18:50:45 -0400 Today's geography lesson: The Earth's north pole is located in Nigeria. -> GREETING FROM SANTA, -> I WILL LIKE TO PURCHASE SOME ITEMS FROM -> YOUR STORE AND I WANT THE ITEMS TO BE SHIP TO MY STORE IN NIGERIA -> (HOMETRADESTORE) IN NIGERIA AND I WILL BE VERY HAAPY IF YOU CAN ADVICE ME -> THAT -> YOU SHIP TO DESTINATION AND THIS ORDER IS URGENTLY NEEDED IN MY STORE -> AND I WANT THE TRANSACTION OF THE GOODS TO BE DONE VERY FAST AND METHOD -> OF MY PAYMENT WITH BE DONE BY MY AMERICAN CREDIT CARD VISA CARD AND -> MASTER CARD IF MY QUESTION IS YES I WILL LIKE YOU KINDLY GET BACK TO ME -> WITH HOW MUCH IS THE SHIPPING COST TO NIGERIA VIA DHL-UPS -> WILL LIKE YOU TO GIVE ME YOUR WEB SITE SO THAT I CAN GIVE YOU THE ITEMS -> LIST I NEEDED FROM YOUR STORE BELOW.I WILL BE WAITING TO READ THE -> COMFIRMATION OF MY REQUEST FROM YOU. -> BEST REAGRD. -> SANTA Yeah, I know you've already seen hundreds of those letters. I get several a day from Nigerians who want to order one of everything from my imaginary supermarket. But I think that "GREETING FROM SANTA," and "BEST REAGRD, SANTA" should be the hot new catchphrases for the '90s. Another useful catchphrase, from a different one: => Subject: REAL OPPORTUBNITY -- K. If I ever start a real imaginary supermarket, we won't deliver to anyone who can't use lowercase. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: aluminum sequin coolant for Earth's 1st Air Conditioner Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Sun, 05 Jun 2005 19:56:40 -0400 In sci.geo.meteorology, sci.physics, and sci.chem, Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Subject: > posters with unfair advantage leads to censorship Re: > aluminum sequin coolant for Earth's 1st Air > Conditioner > Date: > Fri, 01 Jan 1904 00:36:09 -0500 > From: > Archimedes Plutonium > > [...] > > I was informed that Google cannot bring up my original thread because > someone has installed a censorship on that thread. [...] > > I am assuming that my ISP is doing some overhaul and that is why the > 1904 appears in the date and prevents my post from assimilation. > However, it maybe the case that some hacker and thus censor is causing > my posts to be nonviable. (VERY LOUD VOICE INTENDED FOR COMMUNICATING WITH TOTAL MORONS) ARCHIE!!! SET YOUR CLUCKING FOCK!!! Old iMacs like yours frequently change to the magical Macintosh date of "1/1/1904" when the clock is reset by a monkey, or when the clock battery is drained by continuous stupidity. (Macs do 1904, PCs do 1980, UNIX boxes usually do 1970.) See the little pride-flag-colored apple icon in the upper left of your screen? (The screen is on the front of your iMac.) Move the mouse up to the little apple, click the little mouse, point at the little "Control Panels" letters, select the little "Date & Time" control panel, and use your little brain to set the date to the current year, which is not 1904 around here. (If you have trouble following those instructions, just follow the cord coming out of the back of your computer until you find your mouse.) If your clock reverts to 1904 every time you turn off your iMac, then the clock battery has died, as they do after several years of exposure to people like you. If that is the case, you will need to replace the clock battery with one that hasn't yet lost its will to live. Since your iMac is the old sort with the high-voltage picture tube in it, to open it you need to follow these four steps: 1. Get a power drill, preferably one with a metal handle. 2. Turn on your iMac. 3. Drill directly into the side of the case until the drill bit contacts the high-voltage coils. 4. After the computer goes "BANG!" and blows off seven of your fingers, use the remaining five to dial 911, then drill into the opposite side of the case and repeat until all fingers are gone. Please let us know how it went. Remember, when posting, use all twelve toes for extra efficiency. -- K. P.S. Your clock's wrong. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: cursed Followup-To: sci.astro Date: Sun, 05 Jun 2005 21:18:11 -0400 In sci.astro, kstocklmeir@aol.com wrote: > > [...] > > my curses are spreading Those aren't curses, that's cream cheese. In a slightly different article, kstocklmeir@aol.com wrote: > > [...] > > like all things I say this is cursed - talking about them will spread > curses hurting people, killing people and destroying people a lot like > what has happened from around 1990 Yes, but you have never said the word "doidy". Therefore, the word "doidy" is still blessed. And that means we can cancel out all your curses by saying "doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy burp doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy!" > do not kiss any person who has bodies of animals between their teeth Doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy doidy kissy kissy doidy doidy! > Kurt Stocklmeir Doidy! -- K. If Kurt says "doidy" just to curse that fine word, I'll have to switch to saying something else he never uses, like "soap". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: cursed Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2005 03:01:11 -0400 In sci.astro, kstocklmeir@aol.com wrote: > > http://hometown.aol.com/kstocklmeir/myhomepage/personal.html > > Kurt Stocklmeir Kurt, you might want to fix your Web page, someone put a big picture of Michael Caine as William Shatner on it, or vice versa. Also, the Photoshopping is rather crude, as you can see that someone blotted out the T-shirt with solid luminous white to obscure the letters spelling out "NO FAT CHICKS OR CHICKS WITH THE BODIES OF DEATH ANIMALS BETWEEN THEIR TEETH OR CHICKS WHO ARE REALLY GIANT SPACE LIZARDS WHO ARE CURSED." I saw that same shirt on sale at Hot Topic but it wouldn't fit me because the font was larger than twelve-point. Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing? -- K. Hey, if I look closely, in the bottom right corner, I can see your stump! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Leader Kibo is a culinary genius Date: Sun, 05 Jun 2005 23:39:56 -0400 Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.HAWHAWSPAMTRAP.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > I am accounted a good cook by most everyone who has tried my meals. You're a pro wrestler. So, if someone said "Hey Clans, your food tastes like runny gravel," that would be a sign that you were a bad pro wrestler as well as a bad cook. All a compliment on your cooking means is that you're _either_ good at cooking or good at hurting people. Hopefully both. They're equally enjoyable skills. Making people happy is every bit as much fun as hurting people! > I don't have great skill in making them look good, but they taste great. > Beloved Wife was working today, meaning it was my turn to cook. I had saved > Kibo's post about fried rice, so I figured it was a good day to try it. > 3 cups of rice into the fridge. Only I had to use minute rice, because I R > poor and can't afford the proper tacky stuff. Ook. Doesn't Minute Rice actually cost more per serving than real rice? Next time you're at the market look for a box or bag of regular Carolina white rice (in the maroon package) if you like sticky. I don't know whether you have Carolina brand in Canada -- it's what I use -- but any other cheap plain ordinary white rice should work. You don't need fancy short-grain sushi rice, just any rice that's not pre-cooked or "converted". Fried rice is so much better with the sticky stuff, and for under $2 you should be able to get a package that will do a few meals. Hey, I buy it and I'm poorer than you! HAW HAW YOU'RE INADEQUATELY POOR TO ZING ME ABOUT HOW POOR YOU ARE!!! > A quick peruse of fridge and cupboards shows no Chinese sausage, > but some garlic coil sausage. Onion, green pepper, baby corn, straw > mushrooms, half a zucchini...that'll do. Also threw in a chicken breast, > which turned out to be a bad idea. For spices, Cayenne, 5 spice, > lemongrass, Kosher Salt, crushed dried Jalapenos, and some President's > Choice Thai Stir Fry seasoning. > Also, no sesame oil, so olive oil (now with extra virgin) instead. This is the nice thing about fried rice. You can mutate it however you want and it still comes out edible. You had a different rice than I would have used, and a different oil, and a different meat. But fried rice is infinitely adaptable. So now that you've mastered the technique you can keep swapping ingredients in and out to make something new every time. You have now embarked on a journey that will last a lifetime. Now every time you decide to do fried rice, all you have to do is look for a can of something weird -- let's say water chestnuts in hemp oil, or dehydrated jellyfish O's -- and you've got a new recipe. > Now the flaws in the post. No mention was made of oil quantities, or high > heat/low heat. I care not for the distinction between notches A and B on the stove's knob. It's fried rice. You put it in a pan that has flames under it and flip it a couple times until it starts turning brown. You don't need to go in there with a meat thermometer and take core samples from each rice grain, you just need to turn on the stove and watch the stuff turn brown. I interact with the knob as the stuff cooks based on how aggresive the sounds it's making are -- like a lot of fried food, you can start off on high but then you want to lower the heat to where it doesn't stop sizzling but still won't explode. You can gauge that interaction for yourself better than any recipe can. Oil quantities are pretty flexible, it works with a little or a lot. The important thing is that sesame oil has a very strong flavor (which people associate with fried rice) so typically it's about two tablespoons of the sesame oil and five or six of "normal" oil for the quantity of stuff you were probably working with, I dunno, it's hard to tell from here how big your sausage is. Sesame oil is one of those things that most people only encounter in quantity in one item -- Chinese fried rice -- so if you add a little of it and a little soy sauce to anything people will think it tastes like fried rice. You have to use it sparingly because if you use it all by itself it scorches, and its flavor can be overwhelming -- it comes in light, medium, and dark, they all work but I usually use relatively light stuff because that makes it easier to moderate the flavor. > Also, I have no wok, and my skillet is of inferior quality. I > was able to flip the rice fairly well, and the seasoning disbursed nicely, > but I did not get the browning I hoped for. "Hey, this isn't brown yet, so I better stop cooking it!" There's a new wrestling identity for you: Not Brownyet. That way you could make extra money reporting on your own wrestling matches for the New York Sun, so that you could keep saying "Hello, I'm Not Brownyet from the Sun" in case there are any eighty-year-olds who haven't heard the "Brown from the Sun" line since the Marx Brothers all died in the greasepaint fire of '33. Of course, the fact that it was Minute Rice might have made it less likely to brown. Clumpiness helps because the clumps can get brown without all the stuff inside them drying out. Also I think some of the brown color comes from the sesame oil or soy sauce scorching. I prefer my seasoning to not disperse (the clumpy rice helps with that) but I wouldn't mind a large disbursement. There's another wrestling idea for you: The Disburser! "If you let me pin you, I'll give you this cashier's check!" Instead of pretending it's not rigged, play up the payola angle! Pay your opponent to take a dive, bribe the refs, and if the audience boos, throw a handful of dollar bills into the crowd to calm them down! > Garlic sausage was an excellent addition, beats the luncheon meat > my Singaporean stepmother uses. And lots of leftovers, for practically > nothing. The olive oil was the most expensive part. > > Mmmmmm eating like a netgod... Hmm, if your family contains Singaporeans, you're probably familiar with some seasonings that would be very interesting in fried rice. I bet it would work nicely with the sort of seasonings that normally go in caldereta -- you can buy packets of caldereta seasoning (I think it's basically sugar plus paprika plus garlic, with traces of cloves and other popular members of the Five Spices Of Oriental Delight) and what I find oddly appealing about that pre-mixed stuff is that it smells a lot like Bactine did when I was a kid. Tastes fine, but smells like Bactine. I don't know why. Did Bactine used to have clove oil in it or something? I think real caldereta is supposed to have mashed bananas in it for sweetening, obviously the stuff in packets compares to the real stuff the way powdered potatoes compare to mashed potatoes. Incidentally, I noticed that one brand of TV dinners now has a big starburst on the box saying "Made with REAL potatoes!" I guess they're implying that competing brands are made from those foam-rubber ones they had in that "Get Smart" episode where the book "Snoopy and the Red Baron" came tragically true. As far as Singaporeans and their luncheon meat, Singapore is in that part of southeast Asia where cans of Spam are considered to be better than meat. Little cubes of it work okay in fried rice -- and it browns so nicely -- except that it's sooooo salty. You have to mix it with something sugary (pineapple bits maybe?) I prefer to just start with Chinese sausage, which starts out slightly salty and sweet enough to make your mouth happy. I wish they made Chinese sausage six inches in diameter so that you could slice it like Canadian bacon and make Chinese Egg McMuffins from Chinese sausage patties, egg foo yung, and lobster sauce. Of course, if Wendy's did it, the lobster sauce would have corners. -- K. Notice I didn't say "fingers". That would have been too easy. Plus they taste like Spam that's been in the can too long. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Leader Kibo is a culinary genius Date: Mon, 06 Jun 2005 08:06:03 -0400 Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.HAWHAWSPAMTRAP.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > [...] > > Next payday, a wok shall I buy. I've had one on my shopping list for a while. The big grocery stores in Chinatown have some for $10-$15 with Teflon coatings. > [...] I did not cut the chicken small enough, and unlike the remainder > of the ingredients, it can cause some nastiness if not cooked through. > I realised this after putting the first load in the pan. I then had to > go hunting for all the bits of chicken and nuke them for 5 minues first. Next time, the meat and oil go in a few minutes before everything else. My problem is I like many vegetables cooked until they get soft and sweet, what most people would consider overcooked. (Celery in particular is so delicious when you cook it long enough that all the cellulose breaks down and it gets sweet and squishy.) Stir-frying makes it impossible for the vegetables to _not_ be crunchy (compared to boiling 'em or baking 'em.) Of course, canned vegetables are always soft -- I like my broccoli and asparagus to have the mushy texture you can get in a can -- but canned carrots are gross. When I cook for someone else, I always use fresh or frozen vegetables unless they prefer the canned ones. (Some people just prefer the weird taste of canned corn because it's what they grew up with. I prefer real corn.) Oh, and canned mushrooms are vile. Fortunately you can get big gallon jugs of sliced dried button mushrooms at warehouse clubs (McCormick makes them for the restaurant industry) and those have a proper mushroom flavor for the times when you don't have a chance to go get fresh mushrooms and carefully scrub every little black dot off with your mushroom brush. (You do own a mushroom brush, right? No, you can't just use an old toothbrush, mushrooms bruise easier than William Shatner.) -- K. I didn't mean to give him that bruise, it was just supposed to be an everyday wedgie. (He hadn't had one in almost 24 hours!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Leader Kibo is a culinary genius Date: Tue, 07 Jun 2005 22:20:39 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I wash all my veggies from the market. I used to work in a > grocery store - I know what they often do (rolling things on > the floor is a minor sin) I used to work in a grocery store, and as a result I tell everyone in the world The Watermelon Story at least once a week. I'm sure you've heard it by now. If you're still eating watermelons, then you haven't. This year's watermelons showed up here this week. If you must eat watermelon, now's the week. Or go to a farm and get an actual fresh one. And trust me, that floor is the most hygenic part of the supermarket, since it's the only part they actually clean. It would be a big improvement if they just put all the veggies on the floor all the time. > and that wussy little water spray that is supposed to make the > veggies look crisp and clean and only adds water weight does not > clean off half the crap that could be on the veggies. That spray isn't intended to clean them. It's to make them shinier and make it cooler around the veggies so you'll linger in that area. Like the way how, in a big casino, they carefully make certain areas a little warmer or cooler so that people will circulate until they find exactly the spot where the environment is how they like it and then they get stuck there while their life gets destroyed. Kumquats work the same way. > I also wash all veggies from my garden. Birds and things crap > on the plants, and the fruits, and other creatures piss on > them (or could have) and so they get washed to remove icky poo > and pee potential. Ever had honey, honey? -- K. How about lobster? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Leader Kibo is a culinary genius Date: Wed, 08 Jun 2005 02:32:14 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I used to work in a grocery store, and as a result I tell everyone > > in the world The Watermelon Story at least once a week. I'm sure > > you've heard it by now. > > Maybe it's the drugs, but I have NO idea what you're talking about. > What watermelon story? WARNING: STOP READING NOW IF YOU LIKE WATERMELON. All the watermelons for the whole summer arrive the same day. The market puts out one of those big boxes (on a forklift pallet) in the produce department and the others go into the back room. About once a week, they move another one to the produce department so you can be amazed by how new watermelons "arrive" the moment they need more. By the end of the summer, the ones that have been in the back room for a couple months are quite rank -- when you're at the back of the retail space, near that swinging door into the back room, you can smell the sickly-sweet smell of fermenting watermelon drifting out (it's very distinctive.) The watermelons on the bottom of the pile slowly get flatter and flatter, with rotting watermelon wine leaking out, and colonies of bugs burrow into the melons and set up home there. If I liked watermelon, I would only eat it fresh-picked from the farm. Fortunately, I never liked watermelon to start with, so I don't feel bad about not wanting to eat the horrible two-month-old-unrefrigerated melons from the supermarket. The other food I had a nasty run-in with at the supermarket was cottage cheese, but that's a different told-too-many-times tale, and this isn't an episode of Tales Told Too Many Times, it's the Wacky World Of Watermelons. WARNING: IF YOU STOPPED READING JUST BECAUSE I SAID "STOP READING", YOU NEED TO START READING AGAIN SOMEDAY OR YOU'LL GET REALLY BORED. -- K. What drugs? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Leader Kibo is a culinary genius Date: Tue, 07 Jun 2005 03:02:40 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I've had [a wok] on my shopping list for a while. The big grocery > > stores in Chinatown have some for $10-$15 with Teflon coatings. > > Gah! Gak! Argh! > > What is it with teflon coating? > > And woks! Woks get so hot that teflon always gets damaged. Dude, some of us can handle the taste of a little teflon in our food. In fact, some of us _demand_ it. That's the only reason I've never owned a wok yet -- I've been waiting for them to make one with extra Teflon. > Teflon is meant to be easy to clean. But you can't scrub. So it > becomes hard. Give me a good stainless steel frypan (like the one > I have), and it is a quick scrub. Cut it out, Archie. > And it cooks really well. And it is very clean and still shiny, > years after I bought it. Cut it out, Archie! > My wok is a steel wok, nice and light, it heats up very quick, but > retains its heat very well. Very easy to clean. CUT IT OUT, ARCHIE!!! > Must be dried and seasoned though, because otherwise it gets rusty. > Just like a real wok should, dagnamit! A real wok should have Teflon so that I can tell when the meat's done the way I like it. Steaks are much better once you learn how to turn them into yummy crunchy bacon. If there's still Teflon on the pan, the meat's still rare. -- K. Teflon tastes like Krispy Kreme doughnut glaze without the sugar. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Leader Kibo is a culinary genius Date: Tue, 07 Jun 2005 18:11:42 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > I once had a recipe that called for me to fry some garlic in a wok for > 15 minutes, on a medium temperature, until browned on the outside. Must've been from one of those poor countries where they only have electric and not gas. > I took the garlic out after 30 seconds, and let it sit for 14 minutes. Writer's Embellishment: "And then I saw the fine print at the bottom of the recipe which said, 'If garlic is done early, take it out and SIT ON IT! Sincerely, Chef Fonz. P.S. Normally recipes do not end with "P.S.", and they never end with "P.S. Normally recipes do not end with 'P.S.'"'" > What do I win? An all-expenses-paid trip to wherever you already are? -- K. Also, you failed to account for thirty seconds of your garlic's personal history. I'm gonna put the "CSI" team to work on this. They're going to build an eighty- foot laser-controlled wok and have some guy dress up in a foam rubber garlic suit and roll around to re-create the exact conditions under which your recipe attempted to murder garlic. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pointless Nonsense Date: Mon, 06 Jun 2005 07:18:46 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > People who ride motorcycles sans helmet are funny And people who wear motorcycle safety gear without a motorcycle are very, very serious. In one of my other windows right now there's a big picture of a gumdrop wearing a Satan outfit, even though everyone knows gumdrops can't exist in Hell where it's over 80,000 degrees: http://ww2.christmasdepot.com/large/home/bg_hw0911b.jpg (mirrored at:) http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_06_gumdrop_devil.jpg Yes, I'm shopping for Christmas ornaments a little early. However, I do not plan on dressing like Santa this summer, because guys who dress like Santa without a sleigh are bigger bozos than Bozo, even if Bozo were wearing an extra Bozo costume over his regular one. Hey, how's that pirate hat working out for you? -- K. I'm always serious. Here's proof --> :-| ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Being bizarre is not a reason to keep somebody out of this country" Date: Tue, 07 Jun 2005 19:04:05 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@captaininfinity.us) alerted me to this article: > > [www.wkbt.com] > -> > -> Man with chain saw apparently covered with blood was let into U-S > -> > -> BOSTON -- U-S and Canadian officials are being pressed to explain > -> how a man carrying a homemade sword, hatchet, knife, brass knuckles > -> and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood was allowed > -> into the U-S. Now that's just silly -- you can't use brass knuckles while you're holding a chain saw. > -> The day after Gregory Despres (deh-PRAY') was allowed through the > -> U-S-Canadian border (you-HYPHEN-ess ca-na-di-AIN' bor-DARE') > -> in Maine, his New Brunswick neighbor was found decapitated. > -> The day after that, Despres was arrested in Massachusetts, > -> wandering down a highway. He was in a sweat shirt with red > -> and brown stains. What, no pants? > -> U-S officials say they took every step possible to stop his entry > -> into the country April 25th, but the Canada native is a naturalized > -> U-S citizen and was not wanted on any criminal charges at the time. > -> > -> A Customs spokesman says "being bizarre is not a reason to keep > -> somebody out of this country." Yeah, it's Canada that won't let me visit the C-Hyphen-N tower. > -> He's now awaiting extradition to Canada. If th U-Hyphen-S gets to keep his chainsaw, they'll have to divide it among all of our citizens, and then give Canada something of equal value, like a bunch of rulers that don't have tiny centimeters on them. (Here in the U-Hyphen-S, our centimeters are an inch long.) I did a little Google Newsing and found further details: [abcnews.go.com] => => Man With Chain Saw Allowed to Enter U.S. => => U.S. Border Patrol Comes Under Scrutiny After Man Carrying Chain => Saw Is Allowed Into Country => => By Michael Kunzelman => The Associated Press => => Jun. 7, 2005 -- On April 25, Gregory Despres arrived at the => U.S.-Canadian border crossing at Calais, Maine, carrying a homemade => sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained => with what appeared to be blood. U.S. customs agents confiscated the => weapons and fingerprinted Despres. Then they let him into the => United States. Hey, a chainsaw is not a weapon! It's a tool, just like a gun! By the way, I have learned that the best way to get through security is to act like you're not trying to hide a thing. If you're suspicious- looking and don't care that you're suspicious-looking, the security people won't give you any trouble. They only hassle you if you look like you're trying to look normal, and I have vowed to never do that again. => The following day, a gruesome scene was discovered in Despres' => hometown of Minto, New Brunswick: The decapitated body of a => 74-year-old country musician named Frederick Fulton was found on => Fulton's kitchen floor. His head was in a pillowcase under a => kitchen table. His common-law wife was discovered stabbed to death => in a bedroom. MINTO! THE DEATHMAKER! Sorry. => Despres, 22, immediately became a suspect because of a history of => violence between him and his neighbors, and he was arrested April => 27 after police in Massachusetts saw him wandering down a highway => in a sweat shirt with red and brown stains. He murdered two people and then he won a Black Forest cake-eating contest! => He is now in jail in Massachusetts on murder charges, awaiting => an extradition hearing next month. => => At a time when the United States is tightening its borders, how => could a man toting what appeared to be a bloody chain saw be => allowed into the country? Hey, all chainsaws are blood-stained. You're not a proper Canadian unless you've worked as a lumberjack long enough to lose at least five and a half fingers. It's like how in the U.S. you have to have 55% of a dollar bill to trade it in for a new one. In Canada, you have to lose 55% of your fingers to be a true Canadian. (If you lose only 45%, then you're deported to Japan where you will be four and a half Yakuza.) => Bill Anthony, a spokesman for U.S. Customs and Border Protection, => said the Canada-born Despres could not be detained because he is a => naturalized U.S. citizen and was not wanted on any criminal charges => on the day in question. => => Anthony said Despres was questioned for two hours before he was => released. During that time, he said, customs agents employed "every => conceivable method" to check for warrants or see if Despres had => broken any laws in trying to re-enter the country. => => "Nobody asked us to detain him," Anthony said. "Being bizarre is => not a reason to keep somebody out of this country or lock them up. Locking people up just for being bizarre. That's a bizarre idea! So anyone who thinks bizarre people should be locked up is themselves bizarre. I SAY ALL THE CRAZY PEOPLE SHOULD LOCK UP ALL THE NORMAL PEOPLE TO MAKE THE WORLD A MORE SPECIAL PLACE! => ... We are governed by laws and regulations, and he did not violate => any regulations." => => Anthony conceded it "sounds stupid" that a man wielding what => appeared to be a bloody chain saw could not be detained. But he => added: "Our people don't have a crime lab up there. They can't look => at a chain saw and decide if it's blood or rust or red paint." "The bread was very stale so I needed to use this chainsaw to slice my peanut butter and raspberry jelly sandwich..." => Sgt. Gary Cameron of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police would not => comment on whether it was, in fact, blood on the chain saw. Don't tell the Mounties they have silly red uniforms -- it's not funny to mock the color-blind. => On the same day Despres crossed the border, he was due in a => Canadian court to be sentenced on charges he assaulted and => threatened to kill Fulton's son-in-law, Frederick Mowat, last => August. => => Mowat told police Despres had been bothering his father-in-law for => the past month. When Mowat confronted him, Despres allegedly pulled => a knife, pointed it at Mowat's chest and said he was "going to get => you all." => => Police believe the dispute between the neighbors boiled over in the => early-morning hours of April 24, when Despres allegedly broke into => Fulton's home and stabbed to death the musician and 70-year-old => Veronica Decarie. => => Fulton's daughter found her father's body two days later. His car => was later found in a gravel pit on a highway leading to the U.S. => border. Despres hitchhiked to the border crossing. People in Canada are so polite and friendly that they'll give you a ride even if you're carrying a bloody chainsaw and a bloody hatchet and a bloody sword and bloody brass knuckles and are wearing a bloody sweatshirt and smell really bad because you never change or wash your shirt no matter how many people died on it. And that's why I like Canada. All the people there are so nice and friendly and mellow. Except the ones carrying bloody chainsaws. => After the bodies were found on the afternoon of April 26, police => set up roadblocks and sent out a bulletin that identified Despres => as a "person of interest" in the slayings, according to the Royal => Canadian Mounted Police. => => The bulletin caught the eye of a Quincy police dispatcher because => it gave the suspect's Massachusetts driver's license number, => missing a character. And WHAT A CHARACTER! => The dispatcher plugged in numbers and letters until she found a => last known address for Despres in Mattapoisett. She alerted police => in that town, and an officer quickly spotted Despres. => => In state court the next day, Despres told a judge that he is => affiliated with NASA I'd buy that for a dollar! All them rocket scientists are crazy and covered in other people's blood! => and was on his way to a Marine Corps base in Kansas at the time => of his arrest. Wait, they can't have Marines in Kansas -- it's land-locked. => After the case was transferred to federal court, Despres' attorney, => Michael Andrews, questioned whether his client is mentally => competent. The rule is that if you can use a chainsaw without cutting off your own arms and legs, you're competent. => Fulton's friends in Minto, a village of 2,700 people, told the => New Brunswick Telegraph-Journal that he was a popular musician, => a guitarist known as the "Chet Atkins of Minto" Who's Chet Atkins? And how do you strum a chainsaw? => and a 2001 inductee in the Minto Country Music Wall of Fame. Should be easy enough to check and see if his name is the either of the ones on the list. => Copyright 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This => material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or => redistributed. => => Copyright (c) 2005 ABC News Internet Ventures Yeah, well, now it's copyrighted by me too. And behold! A picture of the happy Canadian wacko: http://timesunion.com/Shared/Graphics/NewsDB/AP/CHAIN%20SAW%20BORDER%20NY11906071829.jpg mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_06_chainsaw_man.jpg I think we need to hold a contest to name his Official Crazy Person Hairstyle. This hairstyle could become a craze among the crazy. It could be even more popular with psychos than the Farrah 'do. If you see Farrah with a chainsaw, RUN AWAY! -- K. He looks like one of those characters Jay Leno used to do that consisted of him and a cylinder lens. I wonder what would happen if this guy looked in a funhouse mirror. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I am a happy CLans Date: Tue, 07 Jun 2005 19:10:05 -0400 Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.HAWHAWSPAMTRAP.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > Beloved Wife returned from a shopping excursion to historic > (read:dilapidated) downtown St John's. Her greeting sounded somewhat > unusual. As she continued talking, I noticed why. > > YAY PIERCED TONGUES RULE!! Was it consensual? I've heard tales of dilapidated neighborhoods being rife with body-piercing gangs that jump out from a darkened alley and bust a stud in your septum. > Excuse me. I'm going to mark off 6 weeks on the calendar. Does a tongue stud get in the way when someone licks a 9-volt battery? I need to know by this weekend. -- K. Seen "Ichi The Killer" lately? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.obituaries,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Healthwatch: Victoria Principal Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 07 Jun 2005 19:55:29 -0400 In alt.obituaries and alt.religion.kibology, Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (Glitter Ninja) wrote: > > > > alfansome (alfansome@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] the little trailing tag line was originated by Kibo > > > (alt.religion.kibology) and he does a much better job of it > > > than you. > > > > Kibo also invented the smiley, and gravel-flavored cement. > > That was Kibo? Then why does my gravel-flavored cement taste like > gravel-flavored concrete? No, that's different. Concrete is cement with actual gravel in it. I merely invented gravel-flavored cement with the creamy cement texture you've always loved but now with the great taste of concrete without the broken teeth. Mmm, spreadable gravel. I also invented beenut putter, which is made from bees glued to a golf club for twice the fun. It's sold where you can also buy my Bee-In-A-Balloon(tm). Both are part of my Bugs In Things Where Bugs Shouldn't Be product line (the hottest-selling item is the Swarovski crystal basketball with a fire ant farm inside, all coated in slippery silicone lube.) Just don't bring up that fiasco with the edible toilet. After raising all that procelain-white corn, it turned out the big complicated tortilla shell was too fragile to survive being shrink-wrapped in the twelve-packs. To empty out the warehouse I had to crush them all and sell the fragments to Taco Bell. -- K. Oh, and I was not the guy who invented Pretzel Stick On A Stick On A Sticker Stuck On A Larger Pretzel Stick On A Rope On Fire In Bed Extreme. I just designed its logo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Healthwatch: Victoria Principal Date: Tue, 07 Jun 2005 20:15:11 -0400 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, and I was not the guy who invented Pretzel Stick On A > > Stick On A Sticker Stuck On A Larger Pretzel Stick On > > A Rope On Fire In Bed Extreme. I just designed its logo. > > Then I guess it would be a waste of time to ask you about that > "Cyanoacrylate Burst" chewing gum that was on the market, for a very short > time, some years ago. That was mine, but I took my name off it after the marketing department changed the name to "Cyanoacrylate Burst". When I invented it, it had the much better name "Lip Zip: The Sticky Stick". So whenever you chew "Alan Smithee's Cyanoacrylate Burst", think of me, but don't let me know that you know the secret. I also invented something which was perverted into McNuggets. -- K. McDonalds prefers to say it was "injected" into McNuggets. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Firmness Rating Scale Date: Tue, 07 Jun 2005 21:05:14 -0400 So I was shopping for industrial foam, and McMaster-Carr's great Web site has a cute little illustrated chart showing where various common household objects rate on the Firmness Rating Scale: 1 -- sliced bread 3 -- pillow 5 -- car seat 8 -- mattress 10 -- tennis ball 15 -- styrofoam cup 25 -- life preserver This leads me to wonder, what's a 2? What's a 4? What's a 13? Someone, please complete the list for me so I'll know which common household object has each firmness rating on this scale from 1 to 1000. I'll get you started: 9 -- poking your liver 30 -- a big pile of toenail clippings 137 -- TV screen glass 288 -- a cube of titanium a mile wide 289 -- "chip"-style BacOs 702 -- Hershey's Kisses With Ball Bearings 961 -- the hairpieces of "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" -- K. I will pay one Imaginary Internet Dollar to the first person who fills in all the blanks. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Here comes a meme! Date: Tue, 07 Jun 2005 21:13:31 -0400 In alt.binaries.erotica.fetish.wet-and-messy, Badwater Bill (clampers@webtv.net) wrote: > > Subject: OMEDY SOUND FILES !! I'm sorry, I couldn't hear them over the sound of the Internet yelling "HERE COMES A MEME!" I'm really going to miss WebTV when it stops working after the rubber band snaps. -- K. Sadly, it turned out that the missing letter was a lowly "F" from the Fomedy Favalcade of Allen Funt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Vagina Dentata Spring-Loada Date: Tue, 07 Jun 2005 21:59:33 -0400 [www.iol.co.za] -> -> New device gives women teeth where it matters -> -> By Jillian Green -> -> A rape victim once wished for teeth "where it mattered". Now a -> device has been designed to "bite" a rapist's penis. The patented -> device looks and is worn like a tampon, but it is hollow and -> attaches itself with tiny hooks to a man's penis during penetration. BAD IDEA! So is the woman supposed to wear this all day, or is she supposed to say "Pardon me a moment while I insert this before you rape me?" And what if she'd rather wear an actual tampon? How does she take the mousetrap out later if she wants to put in a tampon? Surely there must be some easy way for her to take it out. So how come the rapist can't just pull it out before sex? Does it have a combination lock or a time lock? -> "We have to do something to protect ourselves. While this will not -> prevent rape it will assist in identifying attackers and securing -> convictions," claims Sonette Ehlers, inventor of the device. It would probably actually encourage rape by masochists. Those damn masochists, always trying to control everyone! -> Not everyone, however, is convinced of its usefulness. -> -> Lisa Vetten, of the Centre for the Study of Violence and -> Reconciliation (CSVR) says: "It is like we are going back to the -> days where women were forced to wear chastity belts. It is a -> terrifying thought that women are being made to adapt to rape by -> wearing these devices. -> -> "We should rather focus our energy on changing men's mindsets and -> behaviour towards women." "Better yet, force every man in the world to wear a chastity belt!" -> Ehlers, of Kleinmond, who has worked for the South African -> Institute for Medical Research, said she had been seeking a way to -> help women since meeting a rape survivor 20 years ago who commented -> that she wished she had teeth in her vagina. -> -> "Over the past three years I have been working on this device. It -> is now completely safe and ready to be manufactured and -> distributed," she said. So what's it called? Let me guess, something clever involving two rhyming words, both of which end in "-ock"? I hope neither one is "Spock". "Sorry, Captain! Logic suggests you ask Dr. McCoy to remove it..." -> It had been designed with engineers, gynaecologists, psychologists -> and urologists. It was "hygienic -- no human hands will be involved -> in the manufacture". "All of our spike-filled vaginal novelties are handled by an assortment of chimpanzees, skunks, and durians. Every one is sent to you directly from the yak's vagina in which it was tested." -> In the event of rape, the device folds itself around the rapist's -> penis, attaching to the skin with microscopic hooks. It is only -> when the rapist withdraws that he will realise the device is -> clamped around his penis. Um, then they can't be very good hooks. Normally you're supposed to notice it if hooks are permanently penetrating your painfully Priapic penis. -> "Its design will also go a long way towards lowering HIV infection -> as semen is contained in the device ... as well as preventing -> sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies," Ehlers says. -> -> As it is impossible to remove the device from a penis without -> medical help, She's going to be surprised when she discovers how hard men are willing to yank on their own penises. -> hospitals and clinics will be able to alert police when assistance -> is sought. -> -> "This will rule out any possibility of the rapist's escaping arrest -> and speed up conviction." -> -> If the rapist tries to remove the device, it will only embed itself -> further. You know, if this thing actually works as advertised (which I doubt), it will make it much easier for a woman to rape men -- she could carry a dozen of these in her purse and invite lots of men to have sex with her and she'd laugh and laugh. -> "He will have to be put under anaesthetic to have it removed. He -> will not be able to leave it as he will be unable to urinate." Again, she'll be surprised when she finds out what men can do. Check out any public restroom with one of those blacklights that makes urine stains glow. Men can not only pee on anything, no matter what contortions this requires, and apparently some men make this their life's work. -> A woman would have to wear the device every day. Wouldn't that cause problems for her husband? -> "We never know when we might be raped. This device should become a -> part of every woman's daily routine, just like brushing her teeth." -> -> Last year, there were 52 733 reported rapes. In a study, the -> Gender-Based Violence Programme at the CSVR analysed 162 rapes in -> Johannesburg's inner city and found that one in four had been a -> gang rape. The study found that 56 percent of the victims had been -> raped by two men and 23 percent by three. So, basically, gang-rapes will still happen, but now nobody will want to be the guy who goes first. -> Although Ehlers is optimistic that the device will go a long way -> towards reducing the high incidence of rape in this country, rape -> organisations are not so sure. -> -> "Women would have to wear this every minute of their lives on the -> off-chance that they would be raped," Vetten says. -> -> "I am concerned at how normal rape has become that we would even -> consider a device like this." I am concerned at how people are discussing this crazy idea as if it's even plausible. Is this thing going to come in different outer diameters for different women, and in different inner diameters for different men? Will you have to take your rapist to the drugstore's penis-measuring machine before you can buy the one that'll fit him? -> Chanaz Mitchell, spokesperson for the National Network on Violence -> against Women, says although it is a good idea for women to protect -> themselves, men should take responsibility for their actions. -> -> "We still need to focus on men as perpetrators of this heinous -> crime." Yes, that's obvious, but what about the problem of all those lesbian rapes you see in prison movies? Maybe men would be too busy to rape women if lesbian rape prison movie DVDs were mailed to every man every day. -> Mitchell is also concerned that the device might lead to further -> violence against victims. -> -> "Once the rapist realises this device is attached to him, he is -> more than likely to take his anger out on his victim." This guy is entirely too sensible. He's probably too intelligent to have ever gotten his penis stuck in anything, whether it be a mousetrap, a vacuum-cleaner hose, or a Dr Pepper bottle. Wait, the article said this Chanaz person is a "spokesperson", so she probably doesn't even have a penis. But she's still the smartest one in this article. -> Mbuyiselo Botha, spokesperson for the Men's Forum, said anything -> that could empower women should be welcomed. -> -> "I would encourage my wife and two daughters to wear this device. -> It would send a signal to would-be rapists that they won't have it -> easy." Wouldn't it be cheaper for him just to super-glue their vaginas shut? It'd probably be more comfortable than demanding that they wear weird internal Chinese finger traps all day. -> Ehlers intends launching the prototype next month. I want to know who volunteered to test the thing. -> "It will be available at supermarkets, chemists, anywhere where one -> would be able to buy tampons," she says. If it were for men, it would probably be free, just like those condoms at the bar. -> The device is to cost R1 and also be available in bulk packs. A bulk pack will appeal to female pirates, since it'll cost several Rs. -- K. "AHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ME BE WEARRRRING A COOTIE-CATCHERRR IN ME COOTERRRR!!!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Vagina Dentata Spring-Loada Date: Wed, 08 Jun 2005 22:45:56 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Worry #0: high-pressure marketing that trumps up rape as such a > common occurrence, women are even MORE scared of men than they > already seem to be. One of the reasons women are already scared of men (and should be) is that most like the idea that we're intimidating an entire gender. And yet men can't figure out why women won't throw themselves at any available man the way men do with women. > Worry #1: women who forget to take it out before a consensual encounter. If you aren't aware of whether or not a giant metal trap shaped like an oversized dildo is inside you, you've got problems other than memory loss. > Worry #2: women who forget to take it out before a consensual encounter, > and then take it as a cue that she was TRICKED into consenting and > breaking her abstinence pledge, and pressing charges. I think that's the one of the four you're going to get the most mail about. > Worry #3: this device becoming a fetish. "Becoming"? Seriously, if this imaginary contraption ever goes on the market, at least half the buyers will be buying them as pervertibles. You won't see them in reputable drugstores, but they'll be sold in the men's section of the porno store, and mail-order through ads in the back of "Soldier Of Fortune". Every professional dominatrix will buy them by the case. > I'd rather women just carried guns. It would prevent violations > before they start, and you could identify perps more easily, by their > bullet wound in the head. Sure, Sledge. Gun fetish is better than mousetrap fetish. Why not just split the difference and order your wife to carry a gun up her woo-woo? Look for the new Kegel-triggered Glock -- from Massengill! -- K. "Mom, do you ever get that 'not so dangerous' feeling?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wow, there really is a conspiracy! Date: Wed, 08 Jun 2005 20:58:02 -0400 [on "The daVinci Code", one of the most pooorly-written books in history] Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > Bad writers are bad writers are bad writers, regardless of where they > steal their ideas. At least that's what Gertrude Stein told me in > Paris in 1921, after I'd pounded Hemingway into unconsciouness at the > gymnasium in Pigalle. Hey, no fair. You wrote that without it being a pastiche of Hemingway's style. Or anyone else's, other than yours. You could have at least done an easy Vonnegut pastiche ending with "...and after the pounding I gave him, Hemingway's asshole looked like this:" followed by a bloody asterisk, and then you could have repurposed that as a lost chapter of Shatner's "Believe.", a book which is indeed better-written than "The daVinci Code" even though it contains more painful rectal bleeding per square inch, and then you could do Chevy Chase holding up a jar of jam yelling "PAINFUL RECTAL BLEEDING!" and then you could do Jane Curtin slamming her fist into her palm as spokeswoman against Gidget's Disease and then Jane Curtin could beat the hell out of Margot Hemingway before she turns the Daily Planet into a tabloid and then Margaux Hemingway and Margot Kidder would get struck by lightning and fuse into The Incredible Double Margauoxt and her/their only superpower would be to tell people her/their name the "x" and "t" are both silent and then Arthur Dent would get confused by the difference between having no tea, not having tea, and having a silent "t", and then he'd become an American Indian and drink too much silent "t" and silently drown in his teepee, and then Vonnegut would call that "a popular Earth joke nobody likes," and then the author of "The daVinci Code" would rewrite all of Vonnegut's books in the style I'm using right here and right now, soon to be a major motion picture starring Scientology, written by William Shatner, and directed by a bleeding rectum! Plus, Jane Curtin will do Penn & Teller's Infected Ear Trick! But not really. Then she and Lee Meriwether will have a catfight in the middle of the infinitely long Time Tunnel but then the budget will get reduced one billion percent when the show is revived and Bob Kinoshita's cool infinitely-long set will be replaced by a basement staircase just so that the next revival, in 2002, won't have any chance of being any lamer though nobody will ever know because the 2002 "Time Tunnel" TV-movie will never air and I wrote all this just to brag that I bought a bootleg DVD of it so I win. See, that's how you should write serious literary criticism of crap. -- K. I hope Penn Jillette isn't actually reading this because it would give him too many ideas for more baby names. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wow, there really is a conspiracy! Date: Thu, 09 Jun 2005 16:04:24 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, no fair. You wrote that without it being a pastiche of Hemingway's > > style. Or anyone else's, other than yours. You could have at least > > done [...] Vonnegut [...] Hemingway's asshole [...] Shatner's > > "Believe." [...] "The daVinci Code" [...] Chevy Chase holding up > > a jar of jam yelling "PAINFUL RECTAL BLEEDING!" [...] Jane Curtin > > [...] Margaux Hemingway and Margot Kidder would get struck by > > lightning [...] Arthur Dent [...] Scientology [...] bleeding rectum > > [...] Penn & Teller's Infected Ear Trick [...] Bob Kinoshita [...] > > basement staircase [...] I bought a bootleg DVD of it so I win. > > > > See, that's how you should write serious literary criticism of crap. > > But then it would be a pastiche of you, and tj frazier and Kurt > Stocklemier will get all confused over it and start offering ME > biloons of dollars, easy stock-market tips, and imaginary islands! > I'll go insane and -- HEY! You WANT them to get confused and drive me > crazy!1! You're a devious god, Kibo, too devious for my own good. I don't think Kurt Stocklmeir even has billions of imaginary dollars. All we know about him is that he has a car, he has a bottom, his car has a bottom, and he doesn't like to kiss girls while they are eating live squirrels. It's "tj Frazir", aka "TJ FORD", aka "Wild-E-Cyote" who has all those billions of imaginary dollars he gives people against their will to prove that he has the time to say big numbers, or whatever, I dunno, I can't even guess what flavor the sky is in his little world. Also, if you've read this far, you're already crazy. If you don't believe you're crazy, I'll give you one billion hours of free psychoanalysis on your own private asylum island. -- K. The psychoanalysis is followed by what I call "exploding therapy". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Speed of Gravity rounded up to help stupid students Date: Wed, 08 Jun 2005 21:15:15 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (aka Bruce) wrote: > > > > I read somewhere that the HSC (Higher Schools Certificate in Austria) > > Physics exam for year 12 (senior) is going to allow students to use 10 > > metres/sec to make their calculations easier. > > > > Has anyone heard anything else about it? > > > > What will you do with the now faster speed of gravity? > > World domination. > > It will start off when a guy wins some parachute competition by > getting to the ground faster. I haven't yet worked out how it ends. Part of the world domination plan should be to make it easier to subjugate Australia by allowing even kids who can't multiply by 9.8 to pass physics exams so that Australia is overrun by _stupid_ physicists who don't know they can reflect our death rays with an ordinary household mirror. All we have to do is convince them that gravitational acceleration is no longer exactly 9.8 meters per second squared. And get them to use the wrong units for it so that they'll start calling it "speed" instead of "acceleration" once they lose the "squared" part, which will have the pleasant side effect that any atomic bombs will be really wimpy because they'll work on the principle that E equals regular mc, and unsquared mc ain't more than a fart in a mitten. By the way, you people should wash your hands. So how many centimeters are in an Austalian inch, 2.0 or 3.0? Who decides which way to round when a number is exactly between the two like that? And how can polls have a "margin of error" when a margin is never an error because the margin is the most important part of all graphic design? <-- see? --K. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Speed of Gravity rounded up to help stupid students Date: Fri, 10 Jun 2005 03:57:40 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, this post should have been funnier, but the novelty of being on > > vacation at unemployment wages for the past seven months has > > definitely worn off. > > You can have my job. I almost told them to take it and shove it up > their fucking asses today, so it may well be available soon. I > actually did tell my supervisor (at the agency that signs my paycheck) > that my response to the latest word from the district personnel (who > contract with my agency for counselors in the schools I work at) would > be "Fuck you!" but that she could call and discuss the issue at hand > with me again at a later date when I might have calmed down a little. > My supervisor has never heard me swear before. I don't ever recall > being this angry on the job before. Anger is best measured by what it motivates you to want to do to bad people. For instance, you can tell I was in a bad mood last night because after I realized my debit card number had been stolen, I went down the street to the bank so I could withdraw a bunch of cash because I was going to call to cancel my card the moment the bank's phone lines opened at 6am (Eastern US time, I don't know what time that is in India) and while I was on my way to the bank at 3am I was really hoping some jerk would try to mug me so I could say "Too late, someone already stole money from me today, and he's in Denmark so I can't hurt HIM for YOUR crime... You should have already started running." So, while I wasn't sufficiently angry to have totally lost control to the point of wanting to hurt innocent people, I was motivated to want to hurt local imaginary muggers. Then I went home and fired up "Dark Forces" and played through the final level on "hard" and had a lot of fun making sure I kept enough hit points so that at the end of the level I could just stand directly in front of the final boss and empty the zero gun into him at point-blank range. Blue plasma always cheers me up. When I'm playing "for real", I use the number-two gun most of the time (sniping is fun!) but I was mad enough to want to blast little "Star Wars" action figures _hard_. Then I watched a bunch of "Mr. Show" reruns to further elevate my mood. I recognize someone I knew in the background of the sketch where they have to hang out with the pharmacist to get prescription pot. Oh, and also, on the way home, I stopped at an all-night 7-Eleven to get some comfort food, and they didn't have White Castles but they had the squishy little La Choy miniature extruded egg rolls, and I bought three boxes and I ate them all and they were yummy. So anyway, Paula, sorry to hear you're mad, but I don't know how sorry to be unless you tell us which "Star Wars" gun you're angry enough to fire. (Isn't the nine gun a joyous thing even though it has no secondary fire?) -- K. I still play "Dark Forces" because I don't need any light sabers in my games. (They're never as much fun as real light sabers.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Free spacepeople of Earth! Date: Wed, 08 Jun 2005 21:19:53 -0400 twillis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Of any who still remember our 700,000 years of subjugation to the > > lazerds, sneaks, hurtles, torturses, and terrorpins of Scaliverse Omega, > > I would ask a service. I am tired from the seven Earthyear journey into > > the decapitol, I seem to lack skills that are considered saleable in > > this brave new world that came into being when I critically retrofluxed > > the paralternivator, and bathing in ichor has stiffened my joints. I > > require a dwelling-place, rations, and either an old-fashioned sofabed > > of writhing nubiles or one of your "Magic Fingers" beds with a lifetime > > supply of quarters. Your aid would be appreciated. > > Man, I am getting so tired of these Nigerian scam spams. I'm watching the "SpongeBob SquarePants" episode where SpongeBob and Patrick spend the whole episode playing in an enclosed, empty box. And it's made me realize that the Internet is the same thing, except there's no guy doing a Paul Lynde impression trying to ruin our fun. I should learn to do a Paul Lynde impression. -- K. Gotta go, my mail program is beeping and telling me I've got mail from Derwood. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.med,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Geen tea a miracle drug which prevents heart disease Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 08 Jun 2005 23:42:43 -0400 In soc.culture.indian, sci.med, soc.culture.usa, and soc.culture.british, habshi (habshi@anony.com) wrote: > > Subject: Geen tea a miracle drug which prevents heart disease I don't care if you say it's good for me, I'm not drinking _anything_ from Ed Geen's mama's skull. So let's see. The real-life Smilin' Ed Geen was the inspiration for famous fictional serial killers Norman Bates, Leatherface, Buffalo Bill, and Jeffrey Dahmer. But none of them has been played by Paul Newman. Which is a shame, because Newman's Own Geen Tea would be all-natural and thus 2% less of a mortal sin than the other brands. Why do you people on the Internet keep talking about cannibalism? Can't we talk about something more pleasant, like Hojo The Clown and his fantastic Hojo Cola? It's not made in his dead mother's skull, no matter how much you sickos want it to be. -- K. They should do a color remake of "Psycho" someday. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Some dirty fish has stolen my debit card! Date: Thu, 09 Jun 2005 08:10:04 -0400 Hey. I was checking my bank account history last night and found a bunch of transactions that jumped out at me as being bogus -- I would never give even one dollar to Blue Mountain Cards, for instance. So clearly someone got ahold of my card number and has been doing some on-line shopping. I have, of course, called the bank, had the card cancelled, and marked all these charges as disputed -- spent much of this morning on the phone with the people in India who operate my crummy bank. I don't know how the scammer got my card number -- I take precautions at my end, but of course some of the companies I buy from could have security breaches... I know how shoddy the backend security of some of the smaller on-line retailers is. Or they could have just randomly-generated some card numbers and hit me by accident. Anwyay, look at all these exciting fraudulent charges! CCBILLCOM*C 888-5969279 AZ Ê 100.00- Ê CCBILLCOM*C 888-5969279 AZ Ê 51.00- Ê Ê 39193445MIN INTERNET SE Ê 20.00- Ê Ê BONE APS KOEBENHAVN N DK 49.81- Ê Ê LYCOSEUROPE LYCOS.COM GB Ê 34.34- Ê LYCOSEUROPE LYCOS.COM GB Ê 27.66- Ê BLUEMOUNTAI BMAHELP.COM OH Ê 1.00- Ê What's annoying is that I can't pin down precisely when and where these happened, all I know is the date (not the time) and country. I don't know what they bought, or what fake ID they provided, or whether they signed me up for recurring charges. If they had been charges for, say, Amazon.com, I might never have noticed. In this case, these were companies I've never even considered doing business with, and searching my logs for those dollar amounts did not turn up any records of me spending those amounts on anything, so I know they're bogus charges, but I want to understand more about this person's motives in going on a spending spree with my card. What sort of junk am I being charged for? So let's play FBI Psychic Profiler. With this pattern of buying -- from one place in Denmark, one in Sweden, one in England, and a couple American companies -- what do you suppose they were buying, and what can we guess about the nature of this bad person and their pathetic little master plan to conquer the world one electronic greeting card at a time? I'm guessing that the Swedish and British charges were probably to set up more disposable Web sites for the fake companies these scammers use to throw charges onto people's cards (this is a very common sort of operation these days -- set up a fake company, make bogus charges, then vanish and do it again) but I haven't got the faintest clue what a "Bone Aps" in Koebenhavn, Denmark is. And knowing that two of the charges are "CCBill" tells me nothing, as they're a major Internet credit card processor representing thousands of (mostly pornographic) sites. I would assume that these were all Internet "CNP" (Card Not Present) transactions, the sort any bozo can do if they have a stolen credit card number and aren't buying anything that has to be mailed in a box. The amazing part is that the cheap jerk used a stolen card number to buy a ONE DOLLAR VIRTUAL GREETING CARD from Blue Mountain Cards. Probably one of those things that takes ten minutes to load and consists of a looping animated GIF of a smiley face blowing a raspberry at Martha Stewart or something. Those things aren't even entertaining if you can afford to spend a dollar to look at a cluster of pixels. I'm guessing this isn't a major Mafia operation, but some thirteen-year-old buying small quantities of porn for himself and one greeting card for the girl he's stalking. Reports suggest that a lot of this sort of credit card fraud is basically just people paying for overpriced porn nobody in their right mind would pay any of their own money to see. Anyway, I will award One Imaginary Internet Dollar (stolen from my account) to whichever one of you concocts the most interesting theory about what these seven charges really were. -- K. And I will award Ten Trillion Imaginary Internet Dollars if you bring this person to me so I can give him his very own porn Web site titled "The Guy Who Had His Eyeballs Ripped Out With Pickle Forks And Then Had The Sockets Ritually Abused Long Past The Point Where He Was Sorry He Ever Paid Blue Mountain Cards A Dollar From Someone Else's Credit Card." Don't even try to think about what I'd do to him if it had been two dollars. I can't find my f'ing blowtorch -- I think I may have left it at the office when I got laid off -- but I've got my pliers right here. I need to ask Ving Rhames if it's possible to get medieval if I have only one of the two, or if that just counts as getting Renaissance. Oh, never mind, I needed to get a better blowtorch anyway. I had already been planning to step up to MAPP gas... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some dirty fish has stolen my debit card! Date: Thu, 09 Jun 2005 16:43:31 -0400 Thor Larholm (me@nowhere.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Anyway, look at all these exciting fraudulent charges! > > > > CCBILLCOM*C 888-5969279 AZ 100.00- > > > > CCBILLCOM*C 888-5969279 AZ 51.00- > > > > 39193445MIN INTERNET SE 20.00- > > > > BONE APS KOEBENHAVN N DK 49.81- > > > > LYCOSEUROPE LYCOS.COM GB 34.34- > > > > LYCOSEUROPE LYCOS.COM GB 27.66- > > > > BLUEMOUNTAI BMAHELP.COM OH 1.00- > > Ooh, it looks like the culprit is in my area. The first two are > random porn. I heard Gary Gygax once designed a system for making random porn. Is "Gygax" a Danish name, or is he just from outer space? > The third is a bill for Internet access with a Swedish provider. > The fourth is from a physical store here in Copenhagen North, > hence the Koebenhavn N instead of an Internet site name. But what type of store is it? We don't have Bone Aps here in the United States Of North America, so I can only imagine that they sell something made out of ground-up bones. Here we just have Pottery Barn. > Sweden and Denmark are quite intertwined in the Copenhagen > area so it's certainly possible to have a Swedish ISP while > living in Denmark. Damn. That ruins my theory that the Swedish Chef from "The Muppet Show" was the culprit. I was looking forward to crushing his tiny foam-rubber head and then watching it slowly re-expand (because it's made of Swedish Memory Foam, invented by Swedish NASA) so I could crush his head over and over. > Five and six are charges from LycosEurope who provide webhosting > and premium chat services (more smilies, more community features, etc.), > whom I actually used to work for right here in Copenhagen. All of their > card charges go through a UK processing facility even though they have > local websites in most European countries. This is why the European Economic Community must be destroyed. For the protection of right-thinking Americans like me, we should make it impossible for people in different European countries to do business with each other. > The last one is just silly. I'm guessing it was a probe to see if your > cardnumber actually worked. Bad move on their part, because that was the charge which caused me to make the card number stop working. I'd never buy anything for a dollar! At least, not until I become RoboCop. > So this guy likes to surf porn, uses a Swedish ISP for his DSL, > buys stuff physically here in Copenhagen and probably has his website > hosted through Tripod (the webhosting part of Lycos Europe). > > Are those cannuckian dollar amounts? I sure hope not. I'd hate to discover I was putting all this work into disputing fraudulent charges for tiny little Canadian dollar amounts. Here in the U.S. we use the type of dollars that are worth stealing. > If I know the currency I can correlate it to the Danish purchase > price of Lycos products and see exactly what he bought. You may assume all my currency has pictures of Ben Franklin on it, since the Treasury Department won't let me print my own with pictures of Jack Black on it. > If that still matches I might be able to locate his account if > I ask some friends. (wow, that's a lot of if's) Probably wouldn't be worth it, unless you're willing to buy me an airplane ticket to Copenhagen just so you can see me break someone's stomach. > > Anyway, I will award One Imaginary Internet Dollar (stolen from > > my account) to whichever one of you concocts the most interesting > > theory about what these seven charges really were. > > Aww, my theory was not really interesting. Oh, it'll get interesting once I get my hands on that neck. > > And I will award Ten Trillion Imaginary Internet Dollars > > if you bring this person to me so I can give him his > > very own porn Web site titled "The Guy Who Had His Eyeballs > > Ripped Out With Pickle Forks And Then Had The Sockets > > Ritually Abused Long Past The Point Where He Was Sorry > > He Ever Paid Blue Mountain Cards A Dollar From Someone > > Else's Credit Card." Don't even try to think about what > > I'd do to him if it had been two dollars. > > Yay, I might still qualify here! What is the exchange rate for > Imaginary Internet Dollars to Danish Kroner? Well, first I have to convert dollars to doughnuts, then doughnuts to Danish, and then Julia Louis-Dreyfuss has to call you "Vegetable Lasagna" because her boyfriend keeps talking about kroner on the plane, and then everyone from "Seinfeld" gets their own sitcoms and nobody watches any of them and they all get replaced by shows about people eating horse eyeballs. > And can they be exchanged to durians or do I have to buy those myself? Nothing can be changed into a durian. Scientists have tried -- they've taken pineapples and dipped them in toxic glue after injecting them with fluorescent yellow mercaptan-flavored pudding, but people can still tell the difference in blind taste tests where people are strapped down, blindfolded, and fed artificial durians. (Here in the U.S. we torture people we don't like, what do you do in Denmark? Send them to Finland?) -- K. We thought we'd never get caught because we named her Lynndie England instead of Lynndie United States. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some dirty fish has stolen my debit card! Date: Thu, 09 Jun 2005 19:22:21 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I heard Gary Gygax once designed a system for making random porn. > > Slovenly Trull and Brazen Strumpet on Wooden Table > Wanton Wench Backstabs Typical Streetwalker > Cheap Trollop Takes on Three Orcs > Expensive Doxy and Haughty Courtesan Use Ten Foot Pole > Wealthy Procuress Trapped in 10' Pit, Concealed > Saucy Tart and Gray Ooze The last one sounds good, especially its sequel, "Squelchy the Hot Gelatinous Cube and the Rubber Golem". And let's not forget "Rust Monster vs. Crust Monster", "Smells Like a Leather Elemental", "Medusa Gone Wild", and "Quick, Everyone, Climb Over The Halfling". > I am a bigger nerd than even Nick! Yay! When it comes to Dungeon Masters, you're the kind who would bring dice to a whip fight. > > Is "Gygax" a Danish name, or is he just from outer space? > > Maybe he's a Space Viking. Can't be, I've never seen him at any of the meetings. -- K. I think "Gamma World" was TSR's coolest game. After all, it was just "Dungeons & Dragons" with nuclear bombs and gas masks. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some dirty fish has stolen my debit card! Date: Fri, 10 Jun 2005 03:27:16 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > I heard Gary Gygax once designed a system for making random porn. > > > > > > Expensive Doxy and Haughty Courtesan Use Ten Foot Pole > > > [...] > > > Saucy Tart and Gray Ooze > > > > The last one sounds good, especially its sequel, "Squelchy the Hot > > Gelatinous Cube and the Rubber Golem". > > you forgot "... Learn the True Meaning of Christmas". (dopey dog voice) Buuuuuut Daaaaaaveyyy, how can they celebrate the true meaning of Christmas since they must be devil-worshippers if they're playing "Dungeons & Dragons"? (squeaky-clean little boy voice) Gosh, Goliath, you're right. We should take their dice away and throw them in that puddle! (live-action footage of a die making a tiny splash) (live-action footage of another die making a tiny splash) (live-action footage of yet another die making a tiny splash) (repeat for about ten minutes) (dopey dog voice) Wow, Daaaaaveyyyy, that was great animation! (in the background, a tree suddenly disappears, Gumby-shaped grease stains appear on everything, and a half-eaten sandwich winks into existence for a tenth of a second then vanishes) (squeaky-clean little boy voice) Gee, Goliath, it's a good thing we threw all those wicked dice into God's clean puddle. (dopey dog voice) Hey, look, Daaaaaveyyyy, I think I see a bear! Woof! (squeaky-clean little boy voice) That's not a bear, it's just one of the Plasticine trees melting. (dopey dog voice) I was scared but God turned the bear into a saggy tree that leaks. Woof! (squeaky-clean little boy voice) Now I'm hungry. I could eat a whole hot dog! (dopey dog voice) Daaaaaaaaaveyyyyyyyy, don't say that! Double you oh oh eff! (squeaky-clean little boy voice) Sorry, I meant I could eat a whole Jesus dog. With Bible fries! (dopey dog voice) Ohhhhh Daaaaaaveyyyyy, I love you. Dee oh you bee ell ee space why oh you space oh aitch space oh aitch space ee eff eff exclamation point carriage return! (They both start singing the previous line over and over to the tune of "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God".) > the sad thing is, I know Jo eBay is just reading off the "random > prostitute" table in the AD&D 1st Edition Dungeon Master's Guide. I'm > not sure if this makes me a bigger geek than him. of course, neither of > us is as big a geek as the guy who drew the picture on the page facing > the "random prostitute" table ... I mean the picture of the guy riding > down the cobblestone streets zapping random people while proudly > displaying his heavy-metal band album logo. I haven't opened that book > in at least a year, and I can clearly picture that page. I am a sick, > sick person. I think you are now an item on the Random Fetish Table, right between smelling a chimp's tricycle seat and licking an entire bowling alley. > > And let's not forget "Rust Monster vs. Crust Monster", "Smells Like a > > Leather Elemental", "Medusa Gone Wild", and "Quick, Everyone, Climb Over > > The Halfling". > > any porn involving halflings would be food porn. Except on the planet Tralfamadore, where all porn not involving halflings is food porn, and all porn involving halflings is infinitely long, but most of it is in the fourth dimension where you can't see it, only smell it, and it makes your bed smell like warm mushrooms and the ink from the Sears catalog. > > I think "Gamma World" > > was TSR's coolest game. > > After all, it was just > > "Dungeons & Dragons" > > with nuclear bombs > > and gas masks. > > clearly, you are forgetting the prequel to "Gamma World", good ol' > "Metamorphosis Alpha". everybody's a mutant! on a big ol' spaceship! I > think Metamorphosis Alpha was the first furry rpg, possibly predating > the moment when TSR changed the second "D" in "AD&D" to "Discipline". I imagine at least 300 of SPI's 57,000 games were already furry games, except that each of them involved twenty pounds of tiny cardboard squares with inscrutable blotches printed on them, and a rule book written in the style of a military maintenance manual. I usually only read as far as paragraph 1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.3 before giving up and playing Atari 2600 "Adventure" instead. The one interesting thing about SPI's cranked-out games was that they made a lot of them that could be played solo, using a system similar to the "AD&D" Random Encounters stuff combined with "Clue"-style murder mystery elements that would gradually add up to one of several different endings. > I will have to bring my copy of "Metamorphosis Alpha" with me to the > ARKple, so you can see how craptacular it is. it has cougaroids! and > porkupoids! I am now imagining Ving Rhames and the guy who stole my debit card number acting out a scene involving the phrase "...with pliers and a blowtorch. I'm gonna porkupoids!" And then Ving would pick up the guy and throw him into the middle of a gelatinous cube which would chase a Dalek around while the "Benny Hill" music played at 1/10 normal speed because gelatinous cubes are probably almost as slow as Daleks. -- K. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find someone who is using the word "glamer" in conversation so I can point and laugh. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: a.r.k Death Ray misfires again Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 23:18:40 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > of course, neither of us is as big a geek as the guy who drew the > > picture on the page facing the "random prostitute" table ... > > I mean the picture of the guy riding down the cobblestone streets > > zapping random people while proudly displaying his heavy-metal > > band album logo. I haven't opened that book in at least a year, > > and I can clearly picture that page. I am a sick, sick person. > > I totally loved that picture, although in my memory it's way > more dynamic. Now, I know you two were discussing this on the 9th, but it still seems highly suspicious that this guy's boss died on the 6th (and we only just found out about it from a link on Fark.com): [www.grandforks.com] -> -> MINNEAPOLIS -- David Sutherland, the Minneapolis native and -> illustrator whose images helped lead the fantasy role-playing -> game "Dungeons & Dragons" to success in the late 1970s and 1980s, -> has died of chronic liver failure. -> -> Sutherland died June 6 at his home in Sault Ste. Marie, Mich. -> He was 56. -> -> [...] -> -> Sutherland's illustrations include the famed scene of a dragon, a -> wizard and a bow-flexing knight on the first "D&D" boxed set that -> brought the game into the mainstream. Images on the covers of -> "Dungeon Masters Guide" and "Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Monster -> Manual," were his as well. Sutherland also worked as TSR's -> artistic director, but felt more at ease doing his own -> illustrations. The illustration you nerds like is signed "D.A.T." -- I think Mr. Sutherland only painted the color stuff, while D.A.T. contributed pen-and-ink drawings -- but still, Sutherland would have supervised him as art director, at the very least deciding which page which illustration would have been on. And now you've killed him. Apparently he failed to make his Saving Throw Vs. Nerdy Death Ray Collateral Damage. Since they always go in threes, and this week we've had Ed Bishop and this guy, who will be the third? -- K. ANDYROONEYANDYROONEYANDYROONEY If you say his name three times while looking in a mirror, Mary Worth fights him to the death over who's more culturally irrelevant. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Just to make y'all feel smart Date: Thu, 09 Jun 2005 22:07:10 -0400 I figured I better post this before twelve other people do, since it's shown up on Fark.com. [www.wsbtv.com] -> -> Man Wounded During Freak Accident with Bullet -> -> FOREST PARK -- Clayton County police were investigating after a man -> suffered a wound to the neck during what appears to have been a -> freak accident involving a bullet, authorities said. -> -> Rescue workers were called shortly before 11:30 a.m. to a strip -> shopping center on Ga. 42 just outside the gates of Fort Gillem. -> -> The victim, whose identity was pending, was rushed for medical -> treatment to Grady Memorial Hospital. His condition was not -> immediately available. Here, I'll supply it: "NEAR-FATALLY STUPID." -> An unidentified woman who was with the man told police that the man -> was trying to repair a faulty speaker wire and was using a -> .22-caliber bullet to do so. How? "Stupid wire, I'll shoot you unless you stop being broken!" -> At some point, the man ended up with a piece of the wire in his -> neck. "At some point"? Intelligence test for reporters: Place these three events in sequential order. A.) Girlfriend dials 9-1-1 after wire gets blasted into idiot's neck. B.) Wire gets blasted into idiot's neck. C.) Idiot pounds on bullet to effect electronic repairs before wire gets blasted into idiot's neck. -> The couple tried to drive to the hospital but experienced problems -> with their vehicle, which is what prompted them to stop near the -> fort and call 911. Why didn't they just fix the car -- were they out of hand grenades? -- K. Bullets are the new duct tape. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Just to make y'all feel smart Date: Sat, 11 Jun 2005 22:21:50 -0400 Faceless Man (anome@mac.com) wrote: > > pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > -> [...] was trying to repair a faulty speaker wire and was using > > > -> a .22-caliber bullet to do so. > > > > This is fun at outdoor parties: > > I wear a glove on my left hand. > > I hold the bullet between my thumb and index finger of my left hand. > > The brass is going to go flying fast and hard, [...] > > OK, so Kibo's post didn't make you feel smart... > > What is it that has caused this rush of people fixing things with > live ammunition? More to the point, why is it that these people > have live ammunition, but not anything more useful for fixing stuff? In the olden days, they always told you not to jam pennies into your fusebox. Nowadays, it's things like "don't microwave a bowl of bullets so you can put them in your beef barley soup." And not one heavy-metal concert happens anywhere in the world without the local newspaper printing the standard picture of a cranky-looking cop using bullets as earplugs. I think we should be asking ourselves: Is there any problem bullets _can't_ solve? -- K. Especially vibrating ones? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OK, my bad Date: Sat, 11 Jun 2005 01:30:34 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > This weekend, C.S. Ed and I purchased tiny frozen eclairs, the kind > you defrost on the kitchen counter and eat all of in one sitting because > you're too lazy to order a pizza. > Anyhow, we kept calling them Dana Elcars instead of eclairs, and in > doing so summoned the Death Ray and killed Dana Elcar when we didn't > mean to. > Sorry, Dana. We meant you no harm. It's okay. MacGyver can build another Dana Elcar out of a mercury thermometer, a coil of toaster wire, the lens from inside your TV that lets it watch you, and a pair of common household Geissler Tube Socks. However, now Roy Scheider won't have anyone to tell him the spaceship Discovery's orbit has started to decay. If they make another sequel to "2001", they'll have to have Roy Scheider talk to a different actor. I was going to suggest William Sylvester, but apparently he's dead too. I can't help you with regard to "Condorman", as I never saw it. But I did see Dana Elcar in "San Francisco International", which also starred The Face Of David Hartman. Of all the Dana Elcar movies I've never seen, there is one I've always wanted to find a bootleg of: "The Maltese Bippy", with the Brady dad and the word "bippy". I bet that movie contains at least one shot of Dana Elcar in a Nehru jacket. -- K. P.S. Who's Dana Elcar? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Some new gay slang Date: Sat, 11 Jun 2005 20:06:46 -0400 This article from the San Francisco Bay Guardian about Pride Week is not only a highly important work of investigative research, it also taught me some useful new terminology. [www.sfbg.com] -> -> Super Ego -> -> Straight like me -> By Marke B -> -> LAME, LAME, lame. Here I am, supposedly one of the proudest little -> perverts in all of San Fran-screwball, and I've never even gotten -> to first base. Yes, folks, I'm technically a virgin. Biblically or -> otherwise, I've never lain with a women. (I've never sacrificed a -> fatted calf on a pyre of olive branches either, but I usually just -> check "abomination" on my 1040 Wages of Sin form and take the -> exemption.) -> -> But it's Pride season again, and I figured since the streets would -> soon be crawling with Daisy-Duked Missourians shooting rainbows out -> of their asses and A-gays lisping about how "drag queens and -> half-naked leathermen" are "ruining our image," I should do as much -> as possible to distance myself from the coming queer-tastophe that -> is my people's Disneyland Main Street Electrical Parade by doing -> the homo-unthinkable: getting laid by a straight woman. Okay, I've never heard the term "A-gays" before, but whatever it means, it sure seems useful. Maybe it refers to guys who are so gay that they wear A-shirts instead of T-shirts. Or maybe the A-gays don't like leathermen because they feel everyone should be able to say "A!!!!" whether or not they're dressed like Fonzie's mean uncle. The word's not in UrbanDictionary.com, and it's very difficult to Google on "A-gay" or "A-gays" because Google doesn't have a "Yes, I really meant to type it this way, please don't take out my capital letter or change the hyphen to a space or insert an apostrophe" option because Google hates A-gays, which I guess means that Google is a leatherman. (GOOGLE, CALL ME!) But I forced myself to Google on this at third level and eventually found a couple citations buried way down: [turnleft.com] => => Yesterday I Was A Queer; Today I Am A Gay Consumer => => by Perry Brass => => [...] => => Sure, in any urban setting there are hundreds of "A-Gays": queens => with large amounts of inherited wealth, or their social-climbing => fellow-travelers who may not be as well-heeled, but still want to => swim in the same icy waters. These men are the backbone of any => symphony society, the local opera, ballet, etc. They preside over => animal society fundraisers and will raise millions for stray => poochies, but don't ask them for money for stray queers. => => The only thing that has brought the A-Gays six inches out of the => closet has been AIDS. As the A-Gays started dying of the same => disease that the Z-Gays were dying of, a few-and we mean very => few-old money A-Gays started venturing out. But for the most part => the A-Gays align themselves with the "A" everything else. They will => not jeopardize one dollar of their money (or one millimeter of => social position) for any cause, no matter how close to home. This => is not a matter of cowardliness, homophobia, etc. It is simply a => matter of dollars-and-cents wisdom. The A-Gays are not interested => in being on the "cutting edge" of the arts, politics, society, etc. => The place where so many gays feel they should be. Instead the => A-Gays are interested in keeping their well-manicured fingers on => the handle of Power's cutting edge. And you don't keep your grip on => that slippery handle by allowing yourself to slip down to the razor => side. => => To put it succinctly: they don't want to get cut. => => So, take away the famous A-Gays. Then take away the Z-Gays, who are => working class or out of work (and overstressed, and for the most => part, silent)-and what have you got left in the "gay market"? => => That's right. It's the "U" Gays. People like you. [www.austinchronicle.com] >> >> Ten Worst Enemies of Gay Texas >> >> [...] >> >> On the street level, we know it's not true that all 'mos have good >> taste. Gay Pride Parades prove it. Look at the herds of us >> (them!!!) on weekend nights in the Warehouse District in that tired >> Aberzombie look that still rules, age-be-damned: armies of baggy >> hoodies, backwards baseballs caps, team jerseys, cargo shorts ... >> looking like overgrown preadolescents. It's the 21st-century >> equivalent of the Castro Clone -- but at least the Castro Clones >> dressed like adults. On the other end of the spectrum, there are >> the elite 'mos who really do dictate style -- designers of hair, >> dress, jewels, handbags, shoes, interiors, florals, walkers ... >> actresses flock to them like moths to a flame. Society women >> worship at their feet. Political wives subscribe to them like a >> newspaper. They are the A-Gays who hold sway over A-list style. And >> it's different up there -- above the street and up into that gilded >> aerie. The gays in those positions have real power. But of all >> those lofty style-makers so adored, how do issues such as gay >> rights affect them? Or does it not concern them? Okay, so apparently "A-Gays" are the gays who either hate all the other gays or are hated by all the other gays, and have a lifestyle consisting of making cameo appearances in editorials about how they're ruining gayness for the Z-Gays, U-Gays, leathermen, drag queens, and clones. (Was this really what Aldous Huxley was thinking when he wrote "Brave New World"?) I'm not sure how the Velvet Mafia relate to the A-Gays, but I'm going to assume that on the Gay Venn Diagram, their triangles are interlinked. Anyhow, the way the gay community is so factionated that they've started referring to each other by code letters suggests that alt.religion.kibology should do the same thing. It's cumbersome to have to type "Kibologists who are sitting at the cool table but still post too infrequently" when we could just type "N-Kibologists" or "V-Kibologists" or whichever other letter is randomly assigned by our local Pat Sajak. ("R, S, T, L, N, and an E...") We could use other letters for "Kibologists who would be more entertaining if they posted less often", "Kibologists who are exactly like Kibo except not so destructive", "Kibologists whose personalities we know nothing about because they have never posted", and "Kibologists who really do dictate style although nobody listens". I demand that we immediately separate into exactly 26 cliques! 27 if it's okay to be ampersandish! I call dibs on being the only K-Kibologist, because that way whenever anyone mentions me everyone will think they're Shaggy from "Scooby-Doo" saying "Zoinks, a K-Kibologist! Feets, don't fail me n-n-now!" And then we could all point and laugh if their feet failed them. And as for the only three Kibologists who are gay, they'd each get a Kibological letter and a gay letter, but if any of us ever collects enough letters to spell "HORSE" then something bad happens. Getting back to Marke B's controlled experiment to make a "Porky's" sequel: -> (Don't get me wrong. I love my GLBTQQITSFFLMNOP family. When I hear -> hets whining, "But there's no Straight Pride!" I think two things: -> St. Patrick's Day and Texas Chainsaw Massacre.) -> -> With the help of my trusty fag hag Miss Kate, I planned it all out. -> We'd hit several newish meat markets (she perched several barstools -> away for encouragement), and I'd let fly with all the charm and -> panache I'd learned from such Rosetta stones of heterosexuality as -> Sex and the City and Friends. How could I fail? -> -> After several confusing hours at Nordstrom Rack, I settled on a -> hideously ribbed turtleneck, tan chinos, and Kenneth Cole knockoff -> loafers. Next, I grabbed a tub of Paul Mitchell molding mud and -> twisted my hair into a jagged shout. Most gay guys couldn't do this experiment, as they don't have hair long enough to style. (This is why some of the fashionistas get so into styling other people's hair, because their lifestyle requires them to have shorter hair than the two guys on "MythBusters" combined.) -> Unfortunately, my body rejected the spray tan, but I did manage to -> retain a cloud of Jovan Heat male musk for several blocks. -> -> I looked so straight I could have been gay. Perfect. That's what always seems to confuse people, this idea that people who go out of their way to look very straight are actually gay, once they cross some sort of International Date Line by going down that tunnel on the edge of the "Pac-Man" screen and reappearing on the other side but with the hemispheres of their brain flipped around due to the way the Fourth Dimension makes everything backwards except for that red ghost who always stays mean. If we continue with my universally-accepted plan to label everyone in alt.religion.kibology as one of 26 sub-groups of the gay community (because we have to steal gay people's ideas, because there aren't any ideas worth stealing on TV) this means that one of these 26 types must be "someone who is too Kibological and therefore automatically non-Kibological and icky and stuff". I, of course, would be the yardstick measuring the correct quantity of Kibologicalness, therefore anyone more Kibological than me would be one of these whatevers. However, I can't comprehend what that sort of person would be like, since my brain doesn't contain a non-Euclidean space warp like the one in "Pac-Man". -> There are surely more endearing pickup lines than "Let's go back to -> my minibar, and I'll mai tai you up," but we were at Trader Vic's, -> and it was a kind of trade I wasn't used to. Besides, this was -> where the legendary tiki bar god Vic Bergeron had invented the darn -> drink, so I thought it was cute. The choking sounds emanating from -> the leggy redhead showed that others disagreed. I hurriedly busied -> myself with a brief tour of Vic's fantastic new digs on Golden Gate. -> -> The place is a Polynesian queen's dream, with more teak tchotchkes -> than you can shake your chaka at. Violently interrupting my reverie -> beneath a giant pontoon boat hung from the ceiling, Miss Kate -> redirected me to the task at hand. But no dice. Though the -> batik-lined Outrigger Room was dripping with honeys sipping -> table-size fruity drinks, none of them was havin' it from me. -> Strike one. Note that Trader Vic's and Trader Joe's do not share the same sexual orientation. Buying groceries at Trader Joe's automatically makes you gay, whether you are or not. Of course, the A-gays would not shop at Trader Joe's, because of those clerks in the floral-print shirts. But all the customers and staff of Trader Joe's are either L-gays or C-gays, possibly T-gays. Me, I only shop at Trader Joe's about once a month -- just to get the cream of mushroom soup I like, and really I only shop at Trader Joe's because I hate it. -> Next up: Alpha Bar and Lounge. I figured a macho alpha male like me -> would have no problem at this surprisingly casual, orange-tinted -> hangout in the avenues, and, drunk with synthetic hormones, I -> strutted through the home-highlighted, innocuously tattooed crowd, -> looking for Lady Love. I soon scoped a gorgeous strawberry blond -> target seated at the well-stocked bar. I've never understood the term "strawberry blond", since strawberries aren't blond, they're red, and -- oh, wait, Trader Joe's has those translucent baseball-sized ones. Now I get it. -> Ignoring Miss Kate's frantically mouthed no!s from a nearby leather -> sofa, I launched into my pickup shtick with aplomb. "I see you like -> martinis, but do you like 'em dirty?" I leched. "Why, yes I do," -> she rasped, rapidly swiveling toward me. "Wanna bruise my glass?" -> It was then that I noticed the Adam's apple poking through her -> Hermes. The lady was a tranny. Sigh. We are everywhere, dammit. I -> thanked her for her candidness and fled. Strike two. Sure, we all know that even gay people don't always have working gaydar, but do transvestites all have working trandar? And how many Kibologists have kidar? -> By now my ego was a train wreck. I longed for the jocular bonhomie -> of the gay Internet, where I could ironically restore my self-worth -> through deceitful anonymity. But like a gymbot in a steam room, I -> pressed on. "Gymbot" is another word I haven't heard before. Since we're all intent on stealing the gay community's stuff to create new Kibology, I suggest the word "kibot" be used for Kibologists who post to alt.religion.kibology on such a regular schedule that they've become the Kibological equivalent of muscle-bound. (That would be like schizophrenia, but better.) -> Our final stop was that bastion of carnal bacchanal, Blondie's Bar -> and No Grill, in the Mission. Blondie's has been aiming for a more -> laid-back, rocker-type vibe lately, but the same Cosmo-soaked -> cleavage and streaked hair leans loudly and precariously out the -> floor-to-ceiling windows. There were so many gold rings flashing -> that I thought they were crowned teeth. These ladies were clearly -> out of my league, if only because their taut, Lycra-clad bodies -> were 10 inches taller than mine -- even after they'd kicked off -> their Ferragamo stilettos. I don't know what a Ferragamo is, unless Bill Bixby turns into him whenever he gets angry. Must be some brand of clothing that still fits after your body mass triples. -> After a humiliating hour of shouting hellos into women's navels, I -> finally gave up and headed back to the empty cookie jar. But not -> after one final humiliation. As I was exiting Blondie's, one -> amazonian reveler actually leaned down double to tell me I was -> "adorable" and patted me on the head. Shudder. That's the straight -> kiss of death right there, unless you're Gary Coleman. And if you are, the fact that you're Gary Coleman is the kiss of death. -> Strike three. I was outta there, with Miss Kate giggling somewhere -> behind me. -> -> So, alas. For all that excruciating hubris, all's I ended up with -> was a mild hangover and a couple of crumpled cocktail napkins -> containing the rum-smeared digits of girls I'd promised to give -> hair tips to. But maybe that is what it's like to be straight. Hmm, back when I was straight, I never got the hangover. THEREFORE THIS ENTIRE EDITORIAL HAS BEEN DISPROVEN!!! To sum up, I've just learned the terms "A-gay" and "gymbot". Having learned two new words today will save me some time because it means I can go a day without having to make up two neologisms. Tune in tomorrow and I'll make up something about "wunklybutts" and "nerdfection". And by the way, how come nobody's using yesterday's two neologisms, you crumfuggly dundercurds? -- K. And what's the hanky code for "Anyone who attempts to display a color-coded hanky is a narc"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some new gay slang Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2005 19:17:25 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, I've never heard the term "A-gays" before, but whatever it means, > > it sure seems useful. Maybe it refers to guys who are so gay that > > they wear A-shirts instead of T-shirts. Or maybe the A-gays don't > > like leathermen because they feel everyone should be able to say > > "A!!!!" whether or not they're dressed like Fonzie's mean uncle. > > Nope - it's actually before your time, I think. An A-gay is a gay man who's > on the A-list for The Swank Parties (as opposed to the B-list, who are only > invited when all the A-listers who aren't invited have already refused s'il > vous plait). It's an upper-crusty thing. See Tales of the City. I'm sorry, but refuse to watch any Armistead Maupin shows until he admits he only picked his name because he wanted to see "Sesame Street" add a gay character named "Armistead Muppet". Also he's really suspicious of everyone who writes him a fan letter and he shouldn't treat his fans that way no matter how many of them are pretending to be the Zodiac killer. > > (Was this really what Aldous Huxley was thinking when he wrote > > "Brave New World"?) > > We're not sure, though judging by some of his never-published-anywhere > letters... oops, I've typed too much. So Jack Benny, Aldous Huxley, and John Cheever are trapped in a cabin in the woods... I think it would go something like _this_... (SOUND OF BRASS BAND PLAYING ALL THE NATIONAL ANTHEMS OF THE WORLD AT DOUBLE SPEED, THEN STOCK FOOTAGE OF A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION) > > [...] > > However, I can't comprehend what that sort of person would be like, > > since my brain doesn't contain a non-Euclidean space warp like the > > one in "Pac-Man". > > Just non-Euclidean space warps like the ones in Tempest, Space: 1999, and > Hollywood Squares... Shakespeare wrote the best video games. And his "Space: 1999" episode was one of the better ones, though not as good as some of the ones about blobs. But by the time of "Hollywood Squares" he just wasn't trying. Sometimes he could barely get up the energy to write Paul Lynde's zingers, let alone help him get dressed before the show. -- K. "Paul, puh-leeze put on the neck ruffle!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some new gay slang Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2005 18:59:40 -0400 Mark Fergerson (nunya@biz.ness) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, so apparently "A-Gays" are the gays who either hate all the > > other gays or are hated by all the other gays, and have a lifestyle > > consisting of making cameo appearances in editorials about how they're > > ruining gayness for the Z-Gays, U-Gays, leathermen, drag queens, > > and clones. > > Wow, just like Metrosexuals whine about how Rednecks ruin > heterosexuality for them! There are straight rednecks now? I think you just ruined the whole premise of "Deliverance", you ruiner. > > (Was this really what Aldous Huxley was thinking when he wrote > > "Brave New World"?) > > Depends. What was he wearing at the time? I'm not sure, but he was last seen in a public restroom singing "Superstar Machine (Emotion Lotion)" into a hairbrush. > > I'm not sure how the Velvet Mafia relate to the A-Gays, but I'm going > > to assume that on the Gay Venn Diagram, their triangles are interlinked. > > So _that's_ what those damned triangles are about. What about gay > string theory? Those are thongs, not strings. -- K. But at least now you know why Doritos are that shape. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Popcorn Police! Date: Sat, 11 Jun 2005 20:21:26 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > [...] anyhow, finding one of my "strays" knee, err, elbow deep > > in a pot of chili (cooled to room temp)(with all those spices, > > what bug DARES to live in chili !?!) and lapping the red gooey > > meatfilled (no beans) mess up as fast as he could. > > I am beginning to think that cats aren't affected by capsaicin. Dogs have no ability to sense capsaicin. In fact, I don't think dogs can taste anything, as evidenced by those commercials that tell us to buy extruded bone meal patties because dogs don't know they're not food. > We had one that ate a hot cabana, filled with chilli (seeds in) and > various other things that I forget, and topped with tabasco. I thought cabanas were bigger than that. I mean, you can (and should) take off your clothes inside them. > He also ate a plate full of zuchini, so I don't think we can trust his > opinion anyway. Given the weird stuff people eat, is it any surprising that the less-highly-evolved life forms on this planet also eat stuff that nobody can explain the appeal of? For every human who likes White Castles better than real meat, there must be a hundred cats and dogs who like eating their own poop. And for every Archimedes Plutonium who eats his own poop, there must be a cat or dog who is at least as smart. -- K. They should make chili-flavored Alpo. Oh, wait, Hormel does. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wikipedia on Archimedes Plutonium; recent talk Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Sat, 11 Jun 2005 20:45:47 -0400 In sci.physics, soc.history, and sci.chem, a_plutonium@hotmail.com wrote: > > [...] > > I kind of like the idea that my Wikipedia entry is 80% written by those > who have hatred motivation and leaving me with 20% of the entry as "the > real Archimedes Plutonium". I like it because it is a barometer of the > growing up of the rest of human society. Well, maybe someday you'll catch up. Not everyone reaches puberty at the same age. > [...] > > So some progress even by those that hate A.P. because from 1993 to 2002 > they called me a crackpot and insane. Now they are calling me merely a > troll. Arch, you're a crackpot and insane. Wow, that was the easiest theory to ruin ever. > [...] > > BTW, it seems that the hate spammers are trying to be subtle and > comical in notice that the spelling of Archimedes is changed to > "Archimedies" as to say what? To say Archimedes dies and to imply to > kill. A subtle nuance but still it shows the degree and extent of > people in their subjective hate. Or maybe people just don't care enough about you to memorize all the letters in your hard-to-spell name. If they really wanted to send you a message, they'd call you "Archemidork", "Archemidiarrhea", or even "ArchimedYOUAREACRACKPOTANDINSANE<-HEYLOOKIJUSTCALLEDYOUACRACKPOTANDINSANE". Nobody wants to kill you. I mean, we've all got better things to do. Toenails to clip, and bananas to peel. Why would anyone want to kill someone who's a crackpot and insane? It's no fun to kill someone who's mentally incompetent. You'll have to get a lot smarter to be entitled to your persecution fantasies. -- K. Hey, have you ever considered writing your own encyclopedia so all the articles could be about how you're not a crackpot? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Loathe KoL Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2005 19:23:41 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > Now, how many incarnations has this bitchcow sorceress got before > > she dies dead? > > Three. The first is the kyute dominatrix, the second is the slimy, > tentacle-waving load of glop, and the third, believe it or not, is a > sausage. Please stop turning people on who don't know what you're talking about. If you're going to mention Sexy Tentacle Glop, you could at least bother to write the rest of the "Lexx" episode, or draw a picture of Kurt Vonnegut's underpants, or storyboard the ending of Hayao Miyazaki's "Sex With Panda Who Turns Into Sexy Tentacle Glop". Don't tease us like that. -- K. Or am I confusing Hayao Miyazaki with Ronald McDonald? !!!NOBODY EXPLAIN THIS!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Brain's gone... Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2005 19:33:16 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > After this one there are a whole lot of 'legal' comedies that I have to > get through and I am saving the two "A Chinese Odyssey" movies for the > end, even that means going out of chronological order. Have you considered that the most correct chonological order for watching movies would be to get your hands on the dailies so you could do like the director did and see all the scenes in the order in which they were filmed? You should be able to do that with the "Moonlighting" DVDs easily enough. Start by only watching Bruce Willis's scenes, then watch Cybill Shepherd's a month later. Then cap it off with a "Sesame Street" episode where you watch the funny Bert & Ernie segment and then wait thirty years before watching the tedious filler. Don't try it with "The Simpsons", though, because you'd have to watch the outlines before watching the paint, and separating the two might make you go insane. > Much 'crotch stomping' fun to be had in those last two. I'm tellin' you again: Eagle Leather says to stop trying. -- K. So what's your favorite frame of "Alien"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What's the reason Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2005 19:43:55 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > Not much pisses me off more than a deliberate, systematic waste of > > a fine mind. > > Hmmph. Well SOME of us consider that to be an art form. Why do these discussions always turn to the subject of cooking? Not everyone cares which wine to serve with a human brain, you know. Some of us are quite happy to settle for convenience food and the occasional Chinese sausage or bulgogi. -- K. U PEEPEL R PYSCH0S !!!1 SINCeRLEY, N0T A PUSCH0 P.S. CHIANTI ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wikipedia entry of Archimedes Plutonium Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2005 19:54:00 -0400 In sci.physics, sci.chem, and soc.history, a_plutonium@hotmail.com wrote: > > [...] And what Abian taught us, is that we should find a way to > make the attacker look ridiculuos and utterly laughable. Then you should stop attacking yourself. Stop attacking yourself. Stop attacking yourself. Why can't you stop attacking yourself? Anyway, you're not in Alexander Abian's league. He at least made the front page of The Weekly World News. You've probably never even been on the front page of the Boston Herald, let alone on the front page of a respectable national paper of record like The Weekly World News. -- K. You might have been in the personals, I don't know, I only read the ones from people who were wrongfully incarcerated. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Guantanamo Funfest! Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2005 21:20:03 -0400 Time magazine has published a log documenting the benevolent treatment our military is affording those guests we've placed in protective custody (free of charge!) in our special all-inclusive holiday resort in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba: [www.time.com] -> -> 13 December 2002 -> -> 1115: Interrogators began telling detainee how ungrateful and -> grumpy he was. In order to escalate the detainee's emotions, a mask -> was made from an MRE box with a smily face on it and placed on the -> detainee's head for a few moments. A latex glove was inflated and -> labeled the "sissy slap" glove. The glove was touched to the -> detainee's face periodically after explaining the terminology to -> him. The mask was placed back on the detainee's head. While wearing -> the mask, the team began dance instruction with the detainee. The -> detainee became agitated and began shouting. I'm sure this document hasn't been sanitized at all. Pay no attention to the Lysol stains! When they say "dance lessons", they really do mean the Fox Trot. Ballroom dance lessons from Sgt. Arthur Murray are an important part of the opposite of torture. This is the famous "good cop, cuddly cop" vaudeville routine. "I can't stand American interrogation techniques because they're too cutesy-poo!" -- Hello Kitty THEN SHE BLEW UP THE WORLD. Whatshisname was wrong when he said "War is hell." The T*R*U*T*H is that war is happy playtime, fun for all ages, especially toddlers, dance instructors, and famous latex glove fetishist Howie Mandel! It's like a dance marathon which lasts forever so everybody can win! Anyway, it's nice to see that the American government is offering full and complete access to these documents showing the sweetly playful treatment we're giving those people who want to commit naughty no-nos against our boundlessly benevolent candytopia. -- K. I wonder how long the ghostwriter of that log entry spent deciding between the phrases "for a few moments", "for the wink of an eye", and "for half a nonce". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Daydreaming Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2005 22:09:40 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > Wouldn't it be, like, amazing if somehow David DeLaney met Kibo and > they fell in love and got married? In Massachusetts? Firstly, just because we're the only two gay people on the Internet doesn't mean either of us is the other's type. I imagine after going out for cocktails he'd run away screaming. > Do you think they would ask us to help design the wedding and > reception? And how amazing would THAT be?! Secondly, this is not an episode of "Straight Eye For The Queer Guy". > I'd vote for the colours being welt and flush, and there could be > table centerpieces of sculpted chopped liver swans with Jar-Jar > tongues! Tell you what. Why don't you move to one of those states that allows same-gender marriages -- such as Massachusetts or Canada -- and put your own name down in both blanks on the marriage form. Then when you marry yourself, all of us can come over and sculpt your liver into stuff. > Also, music by Interrobang Cartel, as interpreted by a string quartet. I think a silent laser show would be prettier. > All the ARKChyx get to be bridesmaids or groomsmen, whichever they > prefer. Okay, so you've got plans for the only two gay guys and the only four women on the Internet, but what about the black guy? -- K. And the 3000 mad scientists? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn! Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2005 22:13:51 -0400 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > Arson in my building. > > Fire Department and police all over the place. > > Updates as available. Nicko, Nicko, Nicko... don't you know you're only supposed to burn down bad people's buildings to see the pretty flames with screams coming out? That's what makes it morally acceptable! Burning down your own building, that's either a sin or a lot of extra work to keep your plastic action figure collection from melting down into one giant plastic barf the firemen will just ignore unless their feet get stuck in it. Dick Van Dyke says: Learn Not To Burn Your Own Building. Confucious say, one should not torch where one shits. -- K. Been a while since anyone dared to start a fire in my building. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn! Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2005 23:15:34 -0400 [fun with arson] Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > [...] Nobody was hurt and there was minimal damage to the building > (it is a 22-unit, 3-story courtyard building). Still? > Got photos, of course! But just pics of a bunch of police and emergency > vehicles and firemen and cops milling around and doing their thing. I'll > post some when I have time. > > Dave, one of those firemen was to DIE FOR. OMFG he was so cute! If you > like that sort of thing, I mean. He was Brad Pitt and Treat Williams. The > CLTV chick who was out there filming--I swear she was hitting on him. I am > really ashamed that I did not have the balls to go up to him and just say, > hey, lemme get a shot of you hitting on this reporter. Sorry. Brad Pitt isn't really a fireman, he just dressed like that so that he could help the Chinese acrobat hide in your washing machine so that he could switch off the artificial gravity that controls the knockout gas pellets in the floor of the bank vault that connects Caesar's Palace Las Vegas with Caesar's Palace Tahoe and Caesar's Palace Atlantic City and a Russian space station that you can hardly see because George Clooney's face occupies 90% of the frame no matter who's talking. You shoulda asked him whether "Fight Club" was a documentary or a comedy. > A shame, really--for me--cause that reporter was rather hawt herself, but I > could not get near enough to her to strike up a conversation, for the > attentions she was laying on this dude. You should try it sometime. Lots of people love uniforms. Just pick a Village Person and rent the appropriate uniform. The only uniforms that will reduce your chances of getting a date are "Star Trek" ones. ("Star Wars" ones work, 'cause shiny plastic stormtrooper armor is good.) Head over to your local army surplus store and get yourself one of those silver firefighter suits with the gold face shield and big boots and you'll have lots of people chasing after you, especially Alex Toth. > Anyway, what I DO know happened, was that someone lit a fire inside the door > of one of the units here. I saw the aftermath, and it seems that the person > poured accelerant inside the door, right at the base of it, then lit it and > closed the door and got the hell out of there. I'll go up there and take > some photos later on...but the police are probably still up there taking > photos and stuff. It's okay, they'll probably let you look at the Polaroids for a few minutes between when the good cop leaves the "interview room" and when the bad cop comes in. > It is cool that it happened while someone was around to smell the smoke, > cause even though the smoke alarms worked, if it had been a million thirty > in the morning (or even mid-day, with everyone away at work), the fire would > maybe have spread. Also, in any building containing more than three people, everyone ignores all smoke alarms because it's someone else's job to pay attention to danger signals. > As it was, the dude who lives across the hall from this apartment responded > to the smoke alarms and called 911, and went out there and doused what he > could of the blaze with water (you can tell that the accelerant had leaked > under the door to the hallway outside and continued burning). I think the > landlady owes him at least a couple of months' free rent. ...which will be offset by the way everyone's rent will go up twenty percent due to the emergency repairs. I bet the landlord set the fire themselves and hired a bunch of actors (mayve even Brad Pitt) to run around in bunker gear just as an excuse to gouge you on rent. > From talking with the landlady and with other tenants, I gathered that the > tenants of the apartment that was torched (a twentyish couple with an > infant) had been arguing with each other and with the landlady, and were > in the process of being evicted, and had in fact moved most of their stuff > out. Since the male of the couple showed up while this was all going down, > I am pretty sure that he was not the dude who did the dirty deed. But one > never knows. Never underestimate the capacity of your fellow human for > utter stupidity. Remember, people who enjoy starting fires also enjoy watching fires and enjoy receiving attention. I don't like fires. I like lightning bolts. So you better pay attention to me no matter how many miles away you are. -- K. Explosions are good, too, but they wake up the neighbors too fast unless they're explosions of knockout gas, and that stuff is expensive. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn! Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 02:01:25 -0400 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > Cut it out! > > You know Kibo, I think I am going to studiously ignore you until you stop > making me laugh my SLMFW ass off. "Sweet Little Mother-Fudgin' White ass"? Sorry, I don't speak imaginary acronyms. NGETTAMTAMD. > Anyway, in today's haste to relive the time when I was a "Real Journalist" > I forgot everything I taught myself as a "reporter cub wannabe". > > In short, I fucked up. It's okay, just push the button that makes your wristwatch go "ZEE-ZEE-ZEE-ZEE" and Superman will come and save you after first showing some toughlove. As far as being a good reporter goes, just remember to always ask, "WHOWHATWHENWHEREHOWANDWHY???" every time anyone says anything. And contrary to popular wisdom, your job isn't done after you get a who, a what, a when, a where, a how, and a why -- there are always more whys. Blurt "Why?" whenever can't think of anything else. Why? Because. Why because? Because because. "Why?" is the question that has to be answered after all the others to make the story worth having been read. What color is the M&M? Okay, it was green. Where is the green M&M? Up someone's nose. Who has the green M&M up their nose? Burgess Meredith. WHY DOES BURGESS MEREDITH STICK M&Ms UP HIS NOSE??? > Therefore, I am ashamed to admit that today I have only two photographs to > submit for ARKian examination--one of which has nothing whatsoever to do > with today's incident: > > http://www.kriho.com/arson/ You said "cub reporter", I didn't, so now I have to say something about you taking that photo of the bear on the right. As far as "depth_of_field_test.jpg" goes, Yves Tanguy called, he wants his multiplication of arcs back, and stop making fun of my prosopagnosia! But that sure is a big bowl of new Kibbles 'n' Pringles. When it rains, does your yard make its own gravy? -- K. For future photo opportunities related to arson in your building, keep some firefighter turnout gear around so you can dress up and blend in and interview that chick who has the hots for firemen. Then get her phone number so you can stalk her and burn her house down. Take lots of photos. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn! Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 07:13:35 -0400 James Vandenberg (Basalisk@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] acronyms. NGETTAMTAMD. > > I swear, this internet thing gets into your brane. For some reason the > N and the D fell off that acronym, and I read: "Get tam-tam". Then my > brane decided to conjure up a picture of Kibo in a baby outfit screaming > "Get TAM!-TAM! and Ms. ~T Harris running away, but not so fast > fake-baby-kibo couldn't keep up. I am not a baby! > Meanwhile Spot cries because his master is unable to feed him, being > too busy acting like a baby, and Spot doesn't like regurgitated baby > fake-milk formula. I am not a baby! > Of course, Kibo is a genius, but acting like a baby, I am not a baby! > which makes him a baby genius or something. WAAAAAAAAAH!!! I DON'WANNA BE A BABY GENIUS YOU BIG DOIDYHEAD!!!!! Those movies sucked! And, unfortunately, they didn't just suck in an ordinary "you have no reason to watch these" way, they sucked in that very special "you have to watch this so you can spend the rest of your life complaining about them" way, a level of mesmerizing badness that Ed Wood could only have dreamed of sinking to. In related news, right before I saw your article, I finished reading a long Phoenix New Times interview with a guy known in the area as "Baby Man". He's the sole documented example of a "24/7 adult baby" -- that is, the only known guy who dresses like a baby _all_ the time no matter where he is (including pooping in his diaper wherever, whenever.) He's rich enough to not have to work, but it's still amazing that he's so brave as to live out this fantasy which makes him a constant target for ridicule -- he seems to enjoy shocking and provoking people (he chose to do the interview in a biker bar with surly drunks around.) I really admire his courage to be who he wants to, even though it invites trouble. Know how nervous you get when you have to give a speech in front of twenty people while you're all wearing suits and ties? Imagine being stared at everywhere, all the time... Fonzie wouldn't have the cool to handle it. Baby Man is ultra-cool. [www.phoenixnewtimes.com] -> -> [at the Fry's supermarket] Customers and cashiers stare at the -> 5-foot-11, 180-pound man, who is dressed in a pink bonnet, pink -> shorty dress, and white patent leather shoes. Gold heart-shaped -> earrings twinkle beneath his carefully curled hair. Under his dress, -> you can see his diaper. He takes his place in line with a carry-all -> basket full of juice and Gerber baby food. Wait, if you turned a _real_ baby loose in the supermarket all he'd buy would be candy! That's why we don't normally let the babies go to the supermarket by themselves, because they hate baby food! -> [later, at home] In the cabinets above his sink, there are dozens -> of jars of Gerber baby food -- yellow squash, vanilla custard, and -> meat 'n' veggies. He doesn't eat the baby food every day ("I probably -> eat 50 percent baby food, 50 percent adult food," he says), but it -> does have its nutritional benefits, he insists. -> -> "I've dieted with baby food before. It's not the best tasting, -> although some of those desserts are really good. But there's almost -> zero fat," he says. -> -> "S'ghettis are my favorite. I really don't like the broccoli and cheese. -> -> "That's gross!" Now that's the proper attitude. Especially because even us grownups know that anything with cheese sauce on it is super-icky! Ewwww. -> [earlier in the article, at the biker bar] -> -> The stares and laughter are a part of the appeal of the "24/7 -> extreme AB/DL" life. Which is why Windsor chose to meet at -> Bogie's, a bar he admits is pretty rough. -> -> "I do enjoy pissing ignorant people off. I like to point out how -> stupid people can sometimes be," he says, with the faint Southern -> accent he acquired while splitting time among Tennessee, Alabama -> and Mississippi for most of the past 25 years. Then, he lights up -> a cigarette, with mild hesitation. Wait a minute. Babies don't smoke! BABIES DON'T SMOKE!!! Aw, hell with it. I think anyone should be allowed to smoke, as long as they're not in my living room. Let the baby have his cigarette! -> "But to be honest, I don't really piss off that many people. -> -> "I've found that most people are at the very least tolerant, if -> not downright supportive of my appearance." I suspect he gets a lot of weirdos who want to take his photo for their own evil purposes. Given that I can hardly dress up for a date without someone wanting to snap a photo of me (and yes, I've been phone-cammed in a Fry's) I imagine he must get photographed a lot. I wonder what percentage of the photos are taken for each of the possible reasons: "Hey, look at the sick weirdo I spotted!" "Hey, look how cool it is that this guy doesn't care what we think!" "Hey, I'm going to take this photo home and jerk off while I'm secretly envious of this guy living out my hidden perversion!" (And when people _tell_ you why they want to photograph you, it's always a lie -- unless there really are a lot of scavenger hunts asking people to look for orange-haired leathermen.) He also probably gets asked plenty of stupid questions, just like any leatherman, tranny, punk rocker, Scottish highlander, etc. (And kids are wonderfully un-shy about piping up to ask about odd-looking people -- I always hear them asking their mommy "Why is that man's hair orange?" and am then amused by the difficulty the parents have in explaining the concept of individuality to their child while being aware that other people can hear them talking about such a frightening topic. Kids are not uncomfortable about talking about anything, and this freaks their parents out. Once I was with someone who was wearing a kilt, and we heard "Mommy, that man's wearing a dress!" from across the supermarket, and I was disappointed that it wasn't answered by an anguished stage whisper of her explaining "Ssh, it's not a dress, it's a skirt!") -> Just then, Dan, one of the new arrivals in the tight corduroy -> shorts, approaches. Already drunk, Dan struggles to put together -> a sentence, opening his mouth to speak, but unsure of the -> question he wants to ask. -> -> "Wha--," Dan begins. "W-w-why?" Then, he finally spits it out. -> -> "Is that baby powder I smell?" -> -> "Yeah," Windsor replies. "Do you like it?" -> -> Dan begins to sway, nearly falling over until he props himself up -> with an outstretched arm on the bar. -> -> "Not really," he says, inches from Windsor's nose. "It kinda -> stinks." -> -> Dan's delivery makes them fightin' words. But Windsor has a way -> of defusing these kinds of situations, he says, which happen so -> infrequently, even he seems surprised. -> -> "I've got a third-degree black belt in tae kwon do," he says, -> later. "The last thing somebody wants is to get their ass kicked -> by a baby girl." And you'd expect wearing "tight corduroy shorts" in a biker bar to be more tolerant of people dressed in a not-so-butch way. I don't understand why our society goes out of its way so much to mock people who deliberately dress eccentrically as opposed to those people who are just so clueless that they throw together ridiculous- looking outfits at random. Why bother making fun of a guy who put a lot of careful thought into living out a flamboyant fantasy when there's a guy across the room who's wearing fuzzy little hotpants in the tough-guy bar? This is why people with cultural sophistication know that clowns aren't funny, because clowns dress that way on purpose. There's no point to yelling at Ronald McDonald, "Hey, I bet you don't realize it, but your shoes are unfashionably large!" But people wearing short-shorts that go wiff-wiff when they mince through the biker bar, them's the ones who aren't aware of the world around them. The Phoenix New Times article generalizes that adult babies who are straight men dress as girls, while gay men dress as baby boys -- if true, this is one of those instances where, contrary to stereotypes, transvestitism occurs more frequently among straights. Not being an adult baby (NOT A BABY NOT A BABY NOT A BABY) and not knowing any (that I'm aware of), I've never thought about it before, but after thinking about it a little, it makes sense. When straight men submit to, say, a dominatrix, the attitude is "Men are normally the dominant gender, so to submit to a woman I have to be de-humanized, feminized, or infantilized," i.e. by being treated like a dog, a woman, or a baby, whereas for a lot of gay men relationships are "I'm a man and I'm looking for a man because only a man can truly male-bond with a man enough to understand him in order to fully dominate him," though I wouldn't be surprised if there are a lot of straight men who are infantilists without the cross-dressing, or a lot of gay men who combine transvestitism with infantilism. (After all, anything goes!) I think that's about as much as I want to think about infantilism for this year. I support the right of people to live out their own fantasies and desires, no matter what they are, as long as they don't involve non-consensuality -- but personally, I could never be involved in anything where an adult play-acts the part of a child in a sexual context, because even pretend pedophilia makes my skin crawl. (A lot of gay leather couples call each other "daddy" and "boy", and this creeps me out -- when a young guy wants to call me "daddy", that's a real turn-off.) I realize that the adult baby experience is not about sex as the "normals" would define sex -- usually there's not any traditional sexual contact -- but it's still analogous enough (i.e. the drive for any sort of kink is as strong as, and fulfills the same psychological needs as, traditional sex) that it's one of those things that combines stuff I don't want touching anywhere on my plate (children and sex stay waaaaaay apart in my worldview.) I accept that it's okay for other people to do the adult baby stuff since it involves consenting adults, but it's one of those things that are on my personal "I wouldn't, ever" list. (Haw haw, I just made several thousand people squirm by forcing you to think about perversions and whether or not you can feel politically correct about them.) Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm in awe of the fortitude that Baby Man has in order to spend all his time living out his fantasy, in public, despite it being a fantasy that many people consider much freakier than if he just dressed like Superman or Tweety Bird all the time. It really puts things in perspective -- we all find it hard to choose to non-conform, but this guy has made such peace with living as who he wants to be that he can do whatever he wants without fear. I'd suspect he lives by John Cleese's rule, "People who are easily offended _should_ be offended." -- K. So, Mr. Vandenberg, does this punish you sufficiently for trying to insert me into your "Baby Geniuses III" script? And when do I get my own advice show on cable TV? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn! Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 16:25:38 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > He also probably gets asked plenty of stupid questions, just like any > > leatherman, tranny, punk rocker, Scottish highlander, etc. (And kids > > are wonderfully un-shy about piping up to ask about odd-looking people -- > > For some reason, I get a lot of kids thinking I'm Santa Clause, I could > understand if my hair was grey. Also, how many times have you seen Santa > wearing Tie-Dye? Hey, he's not a full-time fursuiter. The other 364.25 days of the year, he gets real mellow while he watches "Yellow Submarine" exactly 5828 times in a row. Almost 6171 times if it's the older edition that doesn't have the unambitiously-animated "Hey Bulldog" sequence stopping the action. Also he lives with the Phantom and Flash Gordon and Merlin The Magician and other King Features brand characters plus a campy cutout of Queen Victoria. It's all too much. The downside to kids thinking you're Santa Claus is that Santa knows if kids are sleeping or awake. So you have to be ready to run if the kid yells "Mommy, Mommy, there's the magical old man who watches me sleep! And he puts rocks in my socks!" -- K. Lots of kids think I'm Evil Lincoln from that "Star Trek" episode there would have been if the show had been on the air just one week longer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn! Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2005 23:19:42 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > According to the TV cops n bad guys shows, arsonists like to > hang around and watch their work. And therefore, since you like to watch TV shows that show lots of arson, you're an arsonist now too! STAY AWAY FROM MY STAMP COLLECTION. -- K. I bet you cook a lot of creme brulee. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn! Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2005 22:54:47 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > > > Arson in my building. > > > > Fire Department and police all over the place. > > Damn. Hope you didn't lose anything in the fire. Unless it was evidence of something or other, I'm not saying it was and I'm not saying it wasn't, I'm just sayin' that whether or not it ever existed can never be proven or disproven therefore it never happened because FIRE CLEANSES ALL. > FD guys are usually cool. > > I don't entirely trust cops. But I do know a few good ones. POST MORE VILLAGE PEOPLE FANFIC > No chance to roast any wieners or marshmallows, eh ? POST LESS VILLAGE PEOPLE FANFIC -- K. Do you also like Soviet "bio-robots" dressed for Chernobyl cleanup? Of course, to get them to come to your neighborhood, you have to start a very special fire. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn! Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 02:12:54 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > in the middle of a discussion about Nicko's building bursting into flames, > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > POST MORE VILLAGE PEOPLE FANFIC > > this makes me wonder: since there are all these people writing slashfic > where they turn spock and various other fictional characters gay, are > there any people writing slashfic about fictional female characters > turning the Village People or Snavely from the Harry Potter books > straight? It's called "Can't Stop The Music". YOU'RE WELCOME. That's the movie which makes it clear that Bruce Jenner is the only gay member of the Village People. The others are just loveable eccentrics whose girlfriends don't mind that they're wearing Halloween costumes. > are there any slashfics about Lassie or Benji going to town on Al > Bundy's leg? Um, unfortunately, thousands. The most egregious one I ever encountered was one where the cheap imitation Wil Wheaton from NBC's "seaQuest DSV" got it on with the magical telepathic robot dolphin who talks in an annoying cartoon voice. Thankfully, Roy Scheider wasn't involved. > and what about food slashfic? ISAGN for stories about fictional > characters cooking and eating elaborate meals. Pee Wee Herman making > beans and franks. The Man From Atlantis making lobster thermadore. that > sort of thing. Those are called "celebrity cookbooks" and they already occupy half your local bookstore. The other half is books with titles like "Astrology For Dipshits". (Martin Gardner wrote that one.) The two halves are separated by that giant scoreboard with the digital counter telling you that the next Harry Potter book will be available for pre-pre-ordering in exactly 547 days, 13 hours, 27 minutes, 04 seconds, not correcting for wind resistance and density of local dipshits. -- K. There's nothing wrong with Harry Potter books, I just wish the bookstores wouldn't throw out all the grown-up books to make room for "The Harry Potter Diet". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Harry Potter trouble (was: Damn!) Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 16:58:51 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] that giant scoreboard with the digital counter > > telling you that the next Harry Potter book will be available for > > pre-pre-ordering in exactly 547 days, 13 hours, 27 minutes, 04 seconds, > > not correcting for wind resistance and density of local dipshits. > > Or better yet, the bookstore simply stops updating the countdown. My > local Fox & Sons, er Barnes & Noble, still has the countdown of 41 > days - two days before its release. YOU you ARE are STUCK stuck IN in A a TIME time WARP loop WITH with DIVERGENT paradoxical PROPERTIES effects AND and CAN can ONLY only ESCAPE survive IF when YOU everyone STEAL burns THIS that BOOK store. -- K. I heard that in the next book, Dumbledore kills Harry Potter by shooting him in the back with a crossbow. Also, the actor who plays Harry in the movies has gotten too old, so they're replacing him with someone younger -- Clint Howard. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Those evil Canadians, always trying to blow up the U.S. Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 01:30:13 -0400 I don't understand why the President even allows Canada to share a border with us. Shouldn't we just push their country away and let it float over to Russian? [www.ctv.ca] -> -> Canadian teen found guilty of bomb plot in U.S. -> -> CTV.ca News Staff -> Updated: Mon. Jun. 13 2005 11:32 PM ET -> -> Canadian teenager Travis Biehn, who prosecutors say hates -> Americans, was found guilty Monday of two counts involving a plot -> to blow up his U.S. high school. -> -> Biehn, 17, was arrested earlier this month after police found -> bomb-making materials in his suburban home in an affluent community -> in Buckingham, Pennsylvania. -> -> Biehn will remain in custody for up to 20 days while the judge -> arranges for psychological evaluations and background checks that -> will help determine his sentence. -> -> Biehn was arrested earlier this month after bomb threats were found -> scrawled on a bathroom wall in the high school he attended in -> nearby Doylestown. -> -> "What we have is a juvenile's bizarre behavior of reporting a bomb -> threat in the bathroom and laughing about it," said Judge Kenneth -> Biehn, who is no relation. ...other than the fact that they're both human biehns. -> "(He possessed) a lot of material in his house which was capable at -> some point of manufacturing an incendiary device. Under the law, -> one doesn't have to have one (a bomb)," said the judge. -> -> While prosecutors have portrayed Biehn as a hostile, dangerous -> teenager who hates Americans, others contend he's a victim of -> post-9/11 fear and suspicion. Hey, that's what Canadians get for blowing up our World Trade Center just because we held their flag upside-down once at a hockey game back when hockey still existed. Sure, they want us to believe that people living in Afghanistan masterminded it, but if the Canadians weren't involved, then why, when our armed forces bombed Afghanistan, did we kill all those Canadian soldiers? -> District Attorney Dianne Gibbons described Biehn to reporters as a -> "pretty dangerous kid." -> -> She also repeated assertions that "we've certainly heard he's not -> happy being in America ... that he's made anti-American statements. -> Some people characterize it as a joke, some people don't, depending -> on who you talk to. -> -> "Whether that has anything to do with this, I don't know." -> -> Gibbons also noted that he wore an "I am Canada T-shirt" to his -> first court appearance and argued his dislike for Americans was the -> motive for the alleged bomb plot. His lawyer plans to call for a mistrial on the grounds of shoddy American copy-editing. I note that in the picture of him being arrested, he's wearing a bright blue dress shirt with a bright red necktie in an effort to pass himself off as an American. But the bowl haircut's the giveaway. -> Biehn's friend Mai Pham said he had become an unwitting victim of -> the zero-tolerance policy implemented in schools after the -> terrorist attacks and the Columbine massacre. -> -> "All this characterization about him hating Americans is very -> untrue," Pham said. -> -> "I've talked to him about it. We joke," he said. -> -> "His comfort zone is back in Canada. It doesn't mean he wants to -> destroy here." Canada is a very comfortable country, yes. That's why we must never let them lull us into a false sense of security with their soft, squishy poutine and their cuddly polar bears. The real Canada is Tim Horton getting run over by Tie Domi's SmartCar. The real Canada is Edmonton faking their waterfall's existence only on days when Americans might be visiting. The real Canada is chubby guys bellowing psychotically as they slide curling stones towards a big bulls-eye target painted red, white, and blue. The real Canada is beavers and moose running wild in the streets, mauling anyone who does not give them a toonie! -> Biehn's lawyer William Goldman said that the family is considering -> several options, including an appeal. -> -> The incident -> -> On May 27, Biehn and two other students at Central Bucks High -> School East told teachers about bomb threats -- reading "6-3-05 CBE -> will be BOOM" -- written on a wall of the boy's washroom. -> -> The school's principal wasn't informed of the threat until the -> following week, after the janitor had apparently washed the -> evidence off the wall. Wait, the school janitor actually cleaned graffiti off a wall? Are they sure this janitor is a loyal American and not one of those suspiciously-clean, ultra-tidy Canadians? -> The principal offered a $250 US reward for information, and two -> students came forward, pointing police to a website Biehn had -> posted with pictures of bomb-making materials in his bedroom. -> -> Police searched the Biehn home and found several pounds of -> potassium nitrate, fuses and canisters. -> -> They found no igniting materials like sulfur or charcoal, but -> Gibbons has stated that the teen possessed enough material to -> level the house. -> -> Bomb expert Thomas Lynch testified that the materials found could -> have been used to make bombs, but also for more innocent uses such -> as model rockets. -> -> According to Biehn's friend Cathy Block, he and his father launch -> rockets as a hobby. -> -> "When they launch rockets, it's a neighbourhood event," she said. "And they're so meticulous, too. They always aim them so precisely towards the White House." Further details: [www.cba.ca] => => The father said his son wanted magnesium thermite for science => experiments but they ended up using it to try to burn a stump out => of the back yard to make way for a fish pond. => => The potassium nitrate, stored in a crawlspace in the teen's closet => that the father pointed out to police, was intended to make smoke => glitters, or smoke bombs, that were set off in the back yard "in a => controlled environment," he said. You can control any environment by blowing it up! Anyway, I don't know if this kid did actually commit the heinous crime of blowing up his school and killing everyone, or if he's just being railroaded for two very suspicious activities (owning a crawlspace and being too Canadian.) Also I bet that fish pond was for piranhas. Remember, they're legal in Canada! Still, it's a good thing they caught him before he blew up a second school. But wait! There are more details in a third article! [www.ctv.ca] -> -> "He's a pretty dangerous kid," District Attorney Diane Gibbons -> said outside court. "He's obviously an unhappy kid and he's -> obviously an angry kid. What made him angry enough to do this, I -> don't know." -> -> Gibbons, who noted days ago that Biehn wore an "I am Canadian" -> T-shirt to his first court appearance, refused to speculate on -> his motive. -> -> But she repeated assertions that "we've certainly heard he's not -> happy being in America . . . that he's made anti-American -> statements. Some people characterize it as a joke, some people -> don't, depending on who you talk to." -> -> "Whether that has anything to do with this, I don't know. He -> could just be unhappy, a lot of people are unhappy." So, he's "pretty dangerous" because "he could just be unhappy". I say unhappy people oughta be penned up because they shouldn't be allowed to get dangerous and blow up the happy people! Happy people have a hard time remaining happy while they're getting exploded! -> [...] -> -> "Someone can point a finger and before you know it you're being -> stormtrooped and your child is being taken away," she said before -> the hearing began in juvenile court. Wait, that's not a real verb. Only people who have been proven to be loyal Americans get to make up their own verbs. Don't let them Canadiate our language!!! -> [...] -> -> Student Josh Collins, 16, testified he then informed Jennelle -> "for the safety of our school" that a week or two before, Biehn -> had shown him a personal website with pictures boxes containing -> white powder. And white is the death color, at least when it comes to unidentified powder! Just ask anyone who attempted to mail a bag of cocaine to their grandma in 2001 and got railroaded for mailing anthrax instead of harmless cocaine. [metronews.ca] => => The county prosecutor says Biehn scrawled a bomb threat on a => school bathroom wall on May 27, then drew a teacher's attention => to it. => => However, Goldman says, the threat was washed off before police => were called. => => "We don't know whether we're dealing with a right-hander or a => left-hander," he said. Oh no -- he might be one of those people who is not only Canadian but also a southpaw! How sinister! He's going to sneak into our homes and replace our chocolate syrup with maple syrup and replace our scissors that won't cut straight unless we hold them in the wrong hand! [www.macon.com] -> -> Last week was not the first time that Travis Biehn was accused of -> illegally mixing school and hazardous materials, court records show. -> -> The teen, accused of threatening to bomb Central Bucks High School -> East last week, was caught four years ago selling a napalm-like -> substance to schoolmates, Buckingham Township police said in a -> recent search-warrant application. Oh, come on, almost everything is "napalm-like"! Vaseline is! And if he was selling tubs of Vaseline to his school chums he probably wasn't doing anything worse than having an orgy! But you should judge for yourself whether this Canadian infiltrator is evil -- look at his mug shots and then decide: Bowl haircut or CANADIAN FIVE-PIN BOWLING haircut? http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_06_biehn_1.jpg I don't think I like the new Mr. Spock. http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_06_biehn_2.jpg In 40 years, that's gonna be a hell of a comb-over. http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_06_biehn_3.jpg -- K. Of course, this is satire -- we all know Canadians entering the U.S. are never dangerous, except for that one a few days ago who came in carrying a bloody chainsaw. And William Shatner. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Disturbing commercial #20050614a. Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 01:40:16 -0400 Perky music plays. Guy jogs past an inflated vinyl bunny head sitting on a lawn. It shrivels up. Guy jogs past a kid riding a pogo stick. The kid falls off, hilariously landing on his head. Guy jogs past waterbed store. All the waterbeds explode, causing people to scream in terror. Guy jogs past parked cars. Their tires explode and unidentified white powder sprays out. Guy jogs past kids playing in a bouncy castle. It deflates, presumably smothering them. Guy stops at an intersection and an 18-wheeler truck drives past. All its tires explode, with flame and sparks. Announcer: "The unstoppable AQ Transfer from Adidas." What the fudge? Apparently the reason you should buy these sneakers is that whenever they touch pavement, everything or everything around you is deflated, exploded, or violently murdered. And I'm sorry, but even that wonderful imaginary feature, if real, wouldn't get me to wear sneakers. It's just not respectable to use sneakers to commit mass murder. I demand boots or better. -- K. Also, please tell me what could possibly be better than boots. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing commercial #20050614a. Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 02:54:42 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Guy jogs past parked cars. Their tires explode and unidentified white > > powder sprays out. > > > > [...] > > > > Announcer: "The unstoppable AQ Transfer from Adidas." > > The unstoppable *Al Qaeda* Transfer, that is. Of course. Why didn't I think of that? Shoe bombers are a growing market, 'cause whenever they blow themselves up, the FBI confiscates whatever's left of their shoes! So those who will avenge them have to buy another pair of disposable explodasneakers! America needs to corner this market by selling shoes to everyone who hates Americans. Quick, come up with a slogan that will make people who want to kill us give us all their money. It should have a pun. -- K. But what about the Suicide Socks? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Does it cost money to check books out of your library? Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 05:03:14 -0400 In soc.libraries.talk, Cathy Gale (GaleForce_1962@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Someone on a mailing list that I belong to has said that she pays $100 > a year to belong to a library and check out books. This is in Chicago. > > I have never heard of this before...in context she seems to be talking > about public libraries, not university libraries... > > Do any other libraries charge their patrons for the privelege of > checking out books? Did she actually say she pays the library $100 a year, or just that she pays $100 a year? Maybe there's just some creepy guy standing out front charging admission and... hmm... I think I need to spend more time down by the library. How much do you think Don Saklad will pay me? Or should I just go with the old "I have to hold your wallet for safekeeping, you can get it back on the way out" trick? (Don, if you're reading this, it's not a trick, you really should give me your wallet.) -- K. Please tell Venus and Emma I said 'ello. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Commander Straker Dead? Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 16:47:23 -0400 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > [link to obituary for "Captain Scarlet"/"UFO" star Ed Bishop] > > Dammit, you people are supposed to be up to speed on this stuff. > Who's the slacker? Hmm. He died June 8. I posted this June 5: -> Dude, "Stingray" was before even "Thunderbirds", which was before -> "Captain Scarlet", which was before "UFO", which was set in the -> distant future year of 1980, so "Stingray" was back when 1980 -> wasn't even in the future yet. One look at Troy Tempest's eyebrows -> should tell you that that show was made back when Gerry Anderson was -> still learning basic tool use. It was done circa 1963. However, that didn't mention Ed Bishop by name. If E-mail counts, I sent this private explanation to someone two weeks earlier: => "Captain Scarlet" was later re-made as a live-action show called "UFO", => more or less, which is why Ed Bishop wears that ridiculous blonde Beatle => wig because that's what the puppet he voiced wore. "UFO" was basically => the same show except with taller people, and no Captain Scarlet. My => assumption is that Captain Blue, a.k.a Commander Straker, took over => after Captain Scarlet told the aliens he was only vulnerable to electricity => several times too many. The question is, was Ed Bishop buried in his Beatle wig? And did the aliens then steal his corpse so they could harvest his organs to keep themselves alive in their space suits filled with green Kool-Aid, or did they run afoul of some teens on LSD again? Ed Bishop was also the voice in British commercials for Clearasil, because all zit-faced teens trust the advice of any adult in a Beatle wig. Sorry, Mr. Bishop. I didn't mean to kill you. I was only trying to kill one of the other tiny puppets. But it's hard because nobody can agree on which actor Captain Scarlet's face was plagiarized from (some claim it's Roger Moore, but I don't see much resemblance) which is why the Death Ray bounced off Anonymous Captain Scarlet and splattered all over Ed Bishop As Captain Blue. Really, I was only aiming the Death Ray at Captain Scarlet. I just wanted to crash him (so his body may burn) and smash him (but I know he'll return), this had nothing to do with whether or not your brand of zit cream worked for me. -- K. I should've used the electricity. Why do I keep forgetting that Captain Scarlet tells everyone in the world that he's only vulnerable to electricity? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My review of Ep. III - ROTS Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 17:35:58 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Darth Vader in this movie is not as impressive as the originals and for > good reason. David Prowse who is an actual body-builder wore the suit in > the originals, but after a fall out with the director, they seem to have > gotten a small Jewish boy to wear the suit in this movie. I know this as > I saw him walking down to temple last Saturday with his dad. I don't > know how they managed to blackmail Woody Allen into it, but it is a bit > strange to say the least. You misspelled "Rick Moranis". Sheesh, at this rate, they'll never let you join the Ghostbusters, and even if they do, they'll give you fewer lines than even Ernie Hudson. > I know what the story is, but it is much better if you see it as one > man's struggle against the forces of leather. This leads eventually to > him seeing the black, black leather for what it is and becoming a > Leatherman as was going to happen eventually any way. One character gets > his face distorted by lightning and ends up looking like an old boot, so > that is another leather reference for you. Tim... Naah, too easy. YOUSA SO ZINGABLE!!! > [...] > > This movie is not for kids due to some violent scenes and adult > concepts. It is for the best, unless you want to teach your children a > lesson in disappointment and how things don't always turn out the way > they want. What's disappointing about finding out that the obnoxious little brat from the first movie grows up to be The World's Shortest Darth Vader and make a fortune providing voice-overs for millions of Verizon commercials? That's something all kids should strive for. Too many kids have no idea what they want to be when they grow up, and wanting to grow up evil is better than just being undecided. Also, it teaches kids the important lesson that it's okay for robots to be faggy. If you do want to teach your kids a valuable lesson, show 'em "Battle Royale". > I don't plan on buying this movie or the other two prequels on DVD or > the eventual box sets. It would probably be for the best that everyone > acknowledge these movies and then forget about them and get back to > watching the original Star Wars movies. I prefer grown-up movies. But I will admit that the best of the original "Star Wars" movies was the one made in 1980 starring Sam Jones, Melody Anderson, Topol, Brian Blessed, Timothy Dalton, and Max von Sydow as Darth Ming. All the other "Star Wars" movies, such as "Episode IV", were pale imitations of it. So, of the three films in the "Ichi The Killer" series, which one was your favorite? -- K. Isn't it great that Takashi Miike's next movie is a splatter film for children? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My review of Ep. III - ROTS Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 17:43:26 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I don't want to post it as I will be made fun of again... I would just like to point out that in an article after that one, you _did_ post your "Star Wars" review. > Thanks. YOUSA SO WELCOME!!! EESA PEOPLE GONNA MOCKYA??? -- K. Is it just me, or has anyone else realized that Kermit The Frog is just Jar-Jar trying to pass as white, er, green?