From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OK, my bad Date: Sat, 11 Jun 2005 01:30:34 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > This weekend, C.S. Ed and I purchased tiny frozen eclairs, the kind > you defrost on the kitchen counter and eat all of in one sitting because > you're too lazy to order a pizza. > Anyhow, we kept calling them Dana Elcars instead of eclairs, and in > doing so summoned the Death Ray and killed Dana Elcar when we didn't > mean to. > Sorry, Dana. We meant you no harm. It's okay. MacGyver can build another Dana Elcar out of a mercury thermometer, a coil of toaster wire, the lens from inside your TV that lets it watch you, and a pair of common household Geissler Tube Socks. However, now Roy Scheider won't have anyone to tell him the spaceship Discovery's orbit has started to decay. If they make another sequel to "2001", they'll have to have Roy Scheider talk to a different actor. I was going to suggest William Sylvester, but apparently he's dead too. I can't help you with regard to "Condorman", as I never saw it. But I did see Dana Elcar in "San Francisco International", which also starred The Face Of David Hartman. Of all the Dana Elcar movies I've never seen, there is one I've always wanted to find a bootleg of: "The Maltese Bippy", with the Brady dad and the word "bippy". I bet that movie contains at least one shot of Dana Elcar in a Nehru jacket. -- K. P.S. Who's Dana Elcar? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Some new gay slang Date: Sat, 11 Jun 2005 20:06:46 -0400 This article from the San Francisco Bay Guardian about Pride Week is not only a highly important work of investigative research, it also taught me some useful new terminology. [www.sfbg.com] -> -> Super Ego -> -> Straight like me -> By Marke B -> -> LAME, LAME, lame. Here I am, supposedly one of the proudest little -> perverts in all of San Fran-screwball, and I've never even gotten -> to first base. Yes, folks, I'm technically a virgin. Biblically or -> otherwise, I've never lain with a women. (I've never sacrificed a -> fatted calf on a pyre of olive branches either, but I usually just -> check "abomination" on my 1040 Wages of Sin form and take the -> exemption.) -> -> But it's Pride season again, and I figured since the streets would -> soon be crawling with Daisy-Duked Missourians shooting rainbows out -> of their asses and A-gays lisping about how "drag queens and -> half-naked leathermen" are "ruining our image," I should do as much -> as possible to distance myself from the coming queer-tastophe that -> is my people's Disneyland Main Street Electrical Parade by doing -> the homo-unthinkable: getting laid by a straight woman. Okay, I've never heard the term "A-gays" before, but whatever it means, it sure seems useful. Maybe it refers to guys who are so gay that they wear A-shirts instead of T-shirts. Or maybe the A-gays don't like leathermen because they feel everyone should be able to say "A!!!!" whether or not they're dressed like Fonzie's mean uncle. The word's not in UrbanDictionary.com, and it's very difficult to Google on "A-gay" or "A-gays" because Google doesn't have a "Yes, I really meant to type it this way, please don't take out my capital letter or change the hyphen to a space or insert an apostrophe" option because Google hates A-gays, which I guess means that Google is a leatherman. (GOOGLE, CALL ME!) But I forced myself to Google on this at third level and eventually found a couple citations buried way down: [turnleft.com] => => Yesterday I Was A Queer; Today I Am A Gay Consumer => => by Perry Brass => => [...] => => Sure, in any urban setting there are hundreds of "A-Gays": queens => with large amounts of inherited wealth, or their social-climbing => fellow-travelers who may not be as well-heeled, but still want to => swim in the same icy waters. These men are the backbone of any => symphony society, the local opera, ballet, etc. They preside over => animal society fundraisers and will raise millions for stray => poochies, but don't ask them for money for stray queers. => => The only thing that has brought the A-Gays six inches out of the => closet has been AIDS. As the A-Gays started dying of the same => disease that the Z-Gays were dying of, a few-and we mean very => few-old money A-Gays started venturing out. But for the most part => the A-Gays align themselves with the "A" everything else. They will => not jeopardize one dollar of their money (or one millimeter of => social position) for any cause, no matter how close to home. This => is not a matter of cowardliness, homophobia, etc. It is simply a => matter of dollars-and-cents wisdom. The A-Gays are not interested => in being on the "cutting edge" of the arts, politics, society, etc. => The place where so many gays feel they should be. Instead the => A-Gays are interested in keeping their well-manicured fingers on => the handle of Power's cutting edge. And you don't keep your grip on => that slippery handle by allowing yourself to slip down to the razor => side. => => To put it succinctly: they don't want to get cut. => => So, take away the famous A-Gays. Then take away the Z-Gays, who are => working class or out of work (and overstressed, and for the most => part, silent)-and what have you got left in the "gay market"? => => That's right. It's the "U" Gays. People like you. [www.austinchronicle.com] >> >> Ten Worst Enemies of Gay Texas >> >> [...] >> >> On the street level, we know it's not true that all 'mos have good >> taste. Gay Pride Parades prove it. Look at the herds of us >> (them!!!) on weekend nights in the Warehouse District in that tired >> Aberzombie look that still rules, age-be-damned: armies of baggy >> hoodies, backwards baseballs caps, team jerseys, cargo shorts ... >> looking like overgrown preadolescents. It's the 21st-century >> equivalent of the Castro Clone -- but at least the Castro Clones >> dressed like adults. On the other end of the spectrum, there are >> the elite 'mos who really do dictate style -- designers of hair, >> dress, jewels, handbags, shoes, interiors, florals, walkers ... >> actresses flock to them like moths to a flame. Society women >> worship at their feet. Political wives subscribe to them like a >> newspaper. They are the A-Gays who hold sway over A-list style. And >> it's different up there -- above the street and up into that gilded >> aerie. The gays in those positions have real power. But of all >> those lofty style-makers so adored, how do issues such as gay >> rights affect them? Or does it not concern them? Okay, so apparently "A-Gays" are the gays who either hate all the other gays or are hated by all the other gays, and have a lifestyle consisting of making cameo appearances in editorials about how they're ruining gayness for the Z-Gays, U-Gays, leathermen, drag queens, and clones. (Was this really what Aldous Huxley was thinking when he wrote "Brave New World"?) I'm not sure how the Velvet Mafia relate to the A-Gays, but I'm going to assume that on the Gay Venn Diagram, their triangles are interlinked. Anyhow, the way the gay community is so factionated that they've started referring to each other by code letters suggests that alt.religion.kibology should do the same thing. It's cumbersome to have to type "Kibologists who are sitting at the cool table but still post too infrequently" when we could just type "N-Kibologists" or "V-Kibologists" or whichever other letter is randomly assigned by our local Pat Sajak. ("R, S, T, L, N, and an E...") We could use other letters for "Kibologists who would be more entertaining if they posted less often", "Kibologists who are exactly like Kibo except not so destructive", "Kibologists whose personalities we know nothing about because they have never posted", and "Kibologists who really do dictate style although nobody listens". I demand that we immediately separate into exactly 26 cliques! 27 if it's okay to be ampersandish! I call dibs on being the only K-Kibologist, because that way whenever anyone mentions me everyone will think they're Shaggy from "Scooby-Doo" saying "Zoinks, a K-Kibologist! Feets, don't fail me n-n-now!" And then we could all point and laugh if their feet failed them. And as for the only three Kibologists who are gay, they'd each get a Kibological letter and a gay letter, but if any of us ever collects enough letters to spell "HORSE" then something bad happens. Getting back to Marke B's controlled experiment to make a "Porky's" sequel: -> (Don't get me wrong. I love my GLBTQQITSFFLMNOP family. When I hear -> hets whining, "But there's no Straight Pride!" I think two things: -> St. Patrick's Day and Texas Chainsaw Massacre.) -> -> With the help of my trusty fag hag Miss Kate, I planned it all out. -> We'd hit several newish meat markets (she perched several barstools -> away for encouragement), and I'd let fly with all the charm and -> panache I'd learned from such Rosetta stones of heterosexuality as -> Sex and the City and Friends. How could I fail? -> -> After several confusing hours at Nordstrom Rack, I settled on a -> hideously ribbed turtleneck, tan chinos, and Kenneth Cole knockoff -> loafers. Next, I grabbed a tub of Paul Mitchell molding mud and -> twisted my hair into a jagged shout. Most gay guys couldn't do this experiment, as they don't have hair long enough to style. (This is why some of the fashionistas get so into styling other people's hair, because their lifestyle requires them to have shorter hair than the two guys on "MythBusters" combined.) -> Unfortunately, my body rejected the spray tan, but I did manage to -> retain a cloud of Jovan Heat male musk for several blocks. -> -> I looked so straight I could have been gay. Perfect. That's what always seems to confuse people, this idea that people who go out of their way to look very straight are actually gay, once they cross some sort of International Date Line by going down that tunnel on the edge of the "Pac-Man" screen and reappearing on the other side but with the hemispheres of their brain flipped around due to the way the Fourth Dimension makes everything backwards except for that red ghost who always stays mean. If we continue with my universally-accepted plan to label everyone in alt.religion.kibology as one of 26 sub-groups of the gay community (because we have to steal gay people's ideas, because there aren't any ideas worth stealing on TV) this means that one of these 26 types must be "someone who is too Kibological and therefore automatically non-Kibological and icky and stuff". I, of course, would be the yardstick measuring the correct quantity of Kibologicalness, therefore anyone more Kibological than me would be one of these whatevers. However, I can't comprehend what that sort of person would be like, since my brain doesn't contain a non-Euclidean space warp like the one in "Pac-Man". -> There are surely more endearing pickup lines than "Let's go back to -> my minibar, and I'll mai tai you up," but we were at Trader Vic's, -> and it was a kind of trade I wasn't used to. Besides, this was -> where the legendary tiki bar god Vic Bergeron had invented the darn -> drink, so I thought it was cute. The choking sounds emanating from -> the leggy redhead showed that others disagreed. I hurriedly busied -> myself with a brief tour of Vic's fantastic new digs on Golden Gate. -> -> The place is a Polynesian queen's dream, with more teak tchotchkes -> than you can shake your chaka at. Violently interrupting my reverie -> beneath a giant pontoon boat hung from the ceiling, Miss Kate -> redirected me to the task at hand. But no dice. Though the -> batik-lined Outrigger Room was dripping with honeys sipping -> table-size fruity drinks, none of them was havin' it from me. -> Strike one. Note that Trader Vic's and Trader Joe's do not share the same sexual orientation. Buying groceries at Trader Joe's automatically makes you gay, whether you are or not. Of course, the A-gays would not shop at Trader Joe's, because of those clerks in the floral-print shirts. But all the customers and staff of Trader Joe's are either L-gays or C-gays, possibly T-gays. Me, I only shop at Trader Joe's about once a month -- just to get the cream of mushroom soup I like, and really I only shop at Trader Joe's because I hate it. -> Next up: Alpha Bar and Lounge. I figured a macho alpha male like me -> would have no problem at this surprisingly casual, orange-tinted -> hangout in the avenues, and, drunk with synthetic hormones, I -> strutted through the home-highlighted, innocuously tattooed crowd, -> looking for Lady Love. I soon scoped a gorgeous strawberry blond -> target seated at the well-stocked bar. I've never understood the term "strawberry blond", since strawberries aren't blond, they're red, and -- oh, wait, Trader Joe's has those translucent baseball-sized ones. Now I get it. -> Ignoring Miss Kate's frantically mouthed no!s from a nearby leather -> sofa, I launched into my pickup shtick with aplomb. "I see you like -> martinis, but do you like 'em dirty?" I leched. "Why, yes I do," -> she rasped, rapidly swiveling toward me. "Wanna bruise my glass?" -> It was then that I noticed the Adam's apple poking through her -> Hermes. The lady was a tranny. Sigh. We are everywhere, dammit. I -> thanked her for her candidness and fled. Strike two. Sure, we all know that even gay people don't always have working gaydar, but do transvestites all have working trandar? And how many Kibologists have kidar? -> By now my ego was a train wreck. I longed for the jocular bonhomie -> of the gay Internet, where I could ironically restore my self-worth -> through deceitful anonymity. But like a gymbot in a steam room, I -> pressed on. "Gymbot" is another word I haven't heard before. Since we're all intent on stealing the gay community's stuff to create new Kibology, I suggest the word "kibot" be used for Kibologists who post to alt.religion.kibology on such a regular schedule that they've become the Kibological equivalent of muscle-bound. (That would be like schizophrenia, but better.) -> Our final stop was that bastion of carnal bacchanal, Blondie's Bar -> and No Grill, in the Mission. Blondie's has been aiming for a more -> laid-back, rocker-type vibe lately, but the same Cosmo-soaked -> cleavage and streaked hair leans loudly and precariously out the -> floor-to-ceiling windows. There were so many gold rings flashing -> that I thought they were crowned teeth. These ladies were clearly -> out of my league, if only because their taut, Lycra-clad bodies -> were 10 inches taller than mine -- even after they'd kicked off -> their Ferragamo stilettos. I don't know what a Ferragamo is, unless Bill Bixby turns into him whenever he gets angry. Must be some brand of clothing that still fits after your body mass triples. -> After a humiliating hour of shouting hellos into women's navels, I -> finally gave up and headed back to the empty cookie jar. But not -> after one final humiliation. As I was exiting Blondie's, one -> amazonian reveler actually leaned down double to tell me I was -> "adorable" and patted me on the head. Shudder. That's the straight -> kiss of death right there, unless you're Gary Coleman. And if you are, the fact that you're Gary Coleman is the kiss of death. -> Strike three. I was outta there, with Miss Kate giggling somewhere -> behind me. -> -> So, alas. For all that excruciating hubris, all's I ended up with -> was a mild hangover and a couple of crumpled cocktail napkins -> containing the rum-smeared digits of girls I'd promised to give -> hair tips to. But maybe that is what it's like to be straight. Hmm, back when I was straight, I never got the hangover. THEREFORE THIS ENTIRE EDITORIAL HAS BEEN DISPROVEN!!! To sum up, I've just learned the terms "A-gay" and "gymbot". Having learned two new words today will save me some time because it means I can go a day without having to make up two neologisms. Tune in tomorrow and I'll make up something about "wunklybutts" and "nerdfection". And by the way, how come nobody's using yesterday's two neologisms, you crumfuggly dundercurds? -- K. And what's the hanky code for "Anyone who attempts to display a color-coded hanky is a narc"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some new gay slang Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2005 19:17:25 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, I've never heard the term "A-gays" before, but whatever it means, > > it sure seems useful. Maybe it refers to guys who are so gay that > > they wear A-shirts instead of T-shirts. Or maybe the A-gays don't > > like leathermen because they feel everyone should be able to say > > "A!!!!" whether or not they're dressed like Fonzie's mean uncle. > > Nope - it's actually before your time, I think. An A-gay is a gay man who's > on the A-list for The Swank Parties (as opposed to the B-list, who are only > invited when all the A-listers who aren't invited have already refused s'il > vous plait). It's an upper-crusty thing. See Tales of the City. I'm sorry, but refuse to watch any Armistead Maupin shows until he admits he only picked his name because he wanted to see "Sesame Street" add a gay character named "Armistead Muppet". Also he's really suspicious of everyone who writes him a fan letter and he shouldn't treat his fans that way no matter how many of them are pretending to be the Zodiac killer. > > (Was this really what Aldous Huxley was thinking when he wrote > > "Brave New World"?) > > We're not sure, though judging by some of his never-published-anywhere > letters... oops, I've typed too much. So Jack Benny, Aldous Huxley, and John Cheever are trapped in a cabin in the woods... I think it would go something like _this_... (SOUND OF BRASS BAND PLAYING ALL THE NATIONAL ANTHEMS OF THE WORLD AT DOUBLE SPEED, THEN STOCK FOOTAGE OF A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION) > > [...] > > However, I can't comprehend what that sort of person would be like, > > since my brain doesn't contain a non-Euclidean space warp like the > > one in "Pac-Man". > > Just non-Euclidean space warps like the ones in Tempest, Space: 1999, and > Hollywood Squares... Shakespeare wrote the best video games. And his "Space: 1999" episode was one of the better ones, though not as good as some of the ones about blobs. But by the time of "Hollywood Squares" he just wasn't trying. Sometimes he could barely get up the energy to write Paul Lynde's zingers, let alone help him get dressed before the show. -- K. "Paul, puh-leeze put on the neck ruffle!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some new gay slang Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2005 18:59:40 -0400 Mark Fergerson (nunya@biz.ness) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, so apparently "A-Gays" are the gays who either hate all the > > other gays or are hated by all the other gays, and have a lifestyle > > consisting of making cameo appearances in editorials about how they're > > ruining gayness for the Z-Gays, U-Gays, leathermen, drag queens, > > and clones. > > Wow, just like Metrosexuals whine about how Rednecks ruin > heterosexuality for them! There are straight rednecks now? I think you just ruined the whole premise of "Deliverance", you ruiner. > > (Was this really what Aldous Huxley was thinking when he wrote > > "Brave New World"?) > > Depends. What was he wearing at the time? I'm not sure, but he was last seen in a public restroom singing "Superstar Machine (Emotion Lotion)" into a hairbrush. > > I'm not sure how the Velvet Mafia relate to the A-Gays, but I'm going > > to assume that on the Gay Venn Diagram, their triangles are interlinked. > > So _that's_ what those damned triangles are about. What about gay > string theory? Those are thongs, not strings. -- K. But at least now you know why Doritos are that shape. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Popcorn Police! Date: Sat, 11 Jun 2005 20:21:26 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > [...] anyhow, finding one of my "strays" knee, err, elbow deep > > in a pot of chili (cooled to room temp)(with all those spices, > > what bug DARES to live in chili !?!) and lapping the red gooey > > meatfilled (no beans) mess up as fast as he could. > > I am beginning to think that cats aren't affected by capsaicin. Dogs have no ability to sense capsaicin. In fact, I don't think dogs can taste anything, as evidenced by those commercials that tell us to buy extruded bone meal patties because dogs don't know they're not food. > We had one that ate a hot cabana, filled with chilli (seeds in) and > various other things that I forget, and topped with tabasco. I thought cabanas were bigger than that. I mean, you can (and should) take off your clothes inside them. > He also ate a plate full of zuchini, so I don't think we can trust his > opinion anyway. Given the weird stuff people eat, is it any surprising that the less-highly-evolved life forms on this planet also eat stuff that nobody can explain the appeal of? For every human who likes White Castles better than real meat, there must be a hundred cats and dogs who like eating their own poop. And for every Archimedes Plutonium who eats his own poop, there must be a cat or dog who is at least as smart. -- K. They should make chili-flavored Alpo. Oh, wait, Hormel does. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wikipedia on Archimedes Plutonium; recent talk Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Sat, 11 Jun 2005 20:45:47 -0400 In sci.physics, soc.history, and sci.chem, a_plutonium@hotmail.com wrote: > > [...] > > I kind of like the idea that my Wikipedia entry is 80% written by those > who have hatred motivation and leaving me with 20% of the entry as "the > real Archimedes Plutonium". I like it because it is a barometer of the > growing up of the rest of human society. Well, maybe someday you'll catch up. Not everyone reaches puberty at the same age. > [...] > > So some progress even by those that hate A.P. because from 1993 to 2002 > they called me a crackpot and insane. Now they are calling me merely a > troll. Arch, you're a crackpot and insane. Wow, that was the easiest theory to ruin ever. > [...] > > BTW, it seems that the hate spammers are trying to be subtle and > comical in notice that the spelling of Archimedes is changed to > "Archimedies" as to say what? To say Archimedes dies and to imply to > kill. A subtle nuance but still it shows the degree and extent of > people in their subjective hate. Or maybe people just don't care enough about you to memorize all the letters in your hard-to-spell name. If they really wanted to send you a message, they'd call you "Archemidork", "Archemidiarrhea", or even "ArchimedYOUAREACRACKPOTANDINSANE<-HEYLOOKIJUSTCALLEDYOUACRACKPOTANDINSANE". Nobody wants to kill you. I mean, we've all got better things to do. Toenails to clip, and bananas to peel. Why would anyone want to kill someone who's a crackpot and insane? It's no fun to kill someone who's mentally incompetent. You'll have to get a lot smarter to be entitled to your persecution fantasies. -- K. Hey, have you ever considered writing your own encyclopedia so all the articles could be about how you're not a crackpot? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Just to make y'all feel smart Date: Sat, 11 Jun 2005 22:21:50 -0400 Faceless Man (anome@mac.com) wrote: > > pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > -> [...] was trying to repair a faulty speaker wire and was using > > > -> a .22-caliber bullet to do so. > > > > This is fun at outdoor parties: > > I wear a glove on my left hand. > > I hold the bullet between my thumb and index finger of my left hand. > > The brass is going to go flying fast and hard, [...] > > OK, so Kibo's post didn't make you feel smart... > > What is it that has caused this rush of people fixing things with > live ammunition? More to the point, why is it that these people > have live ammunition, but not anything more useful for fixing stuff? In the olden days, they always told you not to jam pennies into your fusebox. Nowadays, it's things like "don't microwave a bowl of bullets so you can put them in your beef barley soup." And not one heavy-metal concert happens anywhere in the world without the local newspaper printing the standard picture of a cranky-looking cop using bullets as earplugs. I think we should be asking ourselves: Is there any problem bullets _can't_ solve? -- K. Especially vibrating ones? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: cursed Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2005 03:01:11 -0400 In sci.astro, kstocklmeir@aol.com wrote: > > http://hometown.aol.com/kstocklmeir/myhomepage/personal.html > > Kurt Stocklmeir Kurt, you might want to fix your Web page, someone put a big picture of Michael Caine as William Shatner on it, or vice versa. Also, the Photoshopping is rather crude, as you can see that someone blotted out the T-shirt with solid luminous white to obscure the letters spelling out "NO FAT CHICKS OR CHICKS WITH THE BODIES OF DEATH ANIMALS BETWEEN THEIR TEETH OR CHICKS WHO ARE REALLY GIANT SPACE LIZARDS WHO ARE CURSED." I saw that same shirt on sale at Hot Topic but it wouldn't fit me because the font was larger than twelve-point. Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing? -- K. Hey, if I look closely, in the bottom right corner, I can see your stump! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Loathe KoL Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2005 19:23:41 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > Now, how many incarnations has this bitchcow sorceress got before > > she dies dead? > > Three. The first is the kyute dominatrix, the second is the slimy, > tentacle-waving load of glop, and the third, believe it or not, is a > sausage. Please stop turning people on who don't know what you're talking about. If you're going to mention Sexy Tentacle Glop, you could at least bother to write the rest of the "Lexx" episode, or draw a picture of Kurt Vonnegut's underpants, or storyboard the ending of Hayao Miyazaki's "Sex With Panda Who Turns Into Sexy Tentacle Glop". Don't tease us like that. -- K. Or am I confusing Hayao Miyazaki with Ronald McDonald? !!!NOBODY EXPLAIN THIS!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Brain's gone... Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2005 19:33:16 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > After this one there are a whole lot of 'legal' comedies that I have to > get through and I am saving the two "A Chinese Odyssey" movies for the > end, even that means going out of chronological order. Have you considered that the most correct chonological order for watching movies would be to get your hands on the dailies so you could do like the director did and see all the scenes in the order in which they were filmed? You should be able to do that with the "Moonlighting" DVDs easily enough. Start by only watching Bruce Willis's scenes, then watch Cybill Shepherd's a month later. Then cap it off with a "Sesame Street" episode where you watch the funny Bert & Ernie segment and then wait thirty years before watching the tedious filler. Don't try it with "The Simpsons", though, because you'd have to watch the outlines before watching the paint, and separating the two might make you go insane. > Much 'crotch stomping' fun to be had in those last two. I'm tellin' you again: Eagle Leather says to stop trying. -- K. So what's your favorite frame of "Alien"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What's the reason Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2005 19:43:55 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > Not much pisses me off more than a deliberate, systematic waste of > > a fine mind. > > Hmmph. Well SOME of us consider that to be an art form. Why do these discussions always turn to the subject of cooking? Not everyone cares which wine to serve with a human brain, you know. Some of us are quite happy to settle for convenience food and the occasional Chinese sausage or bulgogi. -- K. U PEEPEL R PYSCH0S !!!1 SINCeRLEY, N0T A PUSCH0 P.S. CHIANTI ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wikipedia entry of Archimedes Plutonium Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2005 19:54:00 -0400 In sci.physics, sci.chem, and soc.history, a_plutonium@hotmail.com wrote: > > [...] And what Abian taught us, is that we should find a way to > make the attacker look ridiculuos and utterly laughable. Then you should stop attacking yourself. Stop attacking yourself. Stop attacking yourself. Why can't you stop attacking yourself? Anyway, you're not in Alexander Abian's league. He at least made the front page of The Weekly World News. You've probably never even been on the front page of the Boston Herald, let alone on the front page of a respectable national paper of record like The Weekly World News. -- K. You might have been in the personals, I don't know, I only read the ones from people who were wrongfully incarcerated. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Guantanamo Funfest! Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2005 21:20:03 -0400 Time magazine has published a log documenting the benevolent treatment our military is affording those guests we've placed in protective custody (free of charge!) in our special all-inclusive holiday resort in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba: [www.time.com] -> -> 13 December 2002 -> -> 1115: Interrogators began telling detainee how ungrateful and -> grumpy he was. In order to escalate the detainee's emotions, a mask -> was made from an MRE box with a smily face on it and placed on the -> detainee's head for a few moments. A latex glove was inflated and -> labeled the "sissy slap" glove. The glove was touched to the -> detainee's face periodically after explaining the terminology to -> him. The mask was placed back on the detainee's head. While wearing -> the mask, the team began dance instruction with the detainee. The -> detainee became agitated and began shouting. I'm sure this document hasn't been sanitized at all. Pay no attention to the Lysol stains! When they say "dance lessons", they really do mean the Fox Trot. Ballroom dance lessons from Sgt. Arthur Murray are an important part of the opposite of torture. This is the famous "good cop, cuddly cop" vaudeville routine. "I can't stand American interrogation techniques because they're too cutesy-poo!" -- Hello Kitty THEN SHE BLEW UP THE WORLD. Whatshisname was wrong when he said "War is hell." The T*R*U*T*H is that war is happy playtime, fun for all ages, especially toddlers, dance instructors, and famous latex glove fetishist Howie Mandel! It's like a dance marathon which lasts forever so everybody can win! Anyway, it's nice to see that the American government is offering full and complete access to these documents showing the sweetly playful treatment we're giving those people who want to commit naughty no-nos against our boundlessly benevolent candytopia. -- K. I wonder how long the ghostwriter of that log entry spent deciding between the phrases "for a few moments", "for the wink of an eye", and "for half a nonce". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Daydreaming Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2005 22:09:40 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > Wouldn't it be, like, amazing if somehow David DeLaney met Kibo and > they fell in love and got married? In Massachusetts? Firstly, just because we're the only two gay people on the Internet doesn't mean either of us is the other's type. I imagine after going out for cocktails he'd run away screaming. > Do you think they would ask us to help design the wedding and > reception? And how amazing would THAT be?! Secondly, this is not an episode of "Straight Eye For The Queer Guy". > I'd vote for the colours being welt and flush, and there could be > table centerpieces of sculpted chopped liver swans with Jar-Jar > tongues! Tell you what. Why don't you move to one of those states that allows same-gender marriages -- such as Massachusetts or Canada -- and put your own name down in both blanks on the marriage form. Then when you marry yourself, all of us can come over and sculpt your liver into stuff. > Also, music by Interrobang Cartel, as interpreted by a string quartet. I think a silent laser show would be prettier. > All the ARKChyx get to be bridesmaids or groomsmen, whichever they > prefer. Okay, so you've got plans for the only two gay guys and the only four women on the Internet, but what about the black guy? -- K. And the 3000 mad scientists? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn! Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2005 22:13:51 -0400 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > Arson in my building. > > Fire Department and police all over the place. > > Updates as available. Nicko, Nicko, Nicko... don't you know you're only supposed to burn down bad people's buildings to see the pretty flames with screams coming out? That's what makes it morally acceptable! Burning down your own building, that's either a sin or a lot of extra work to keep your plastic action figure collection from melting down into one giant plastic barf the firemen will just ignore unless their feet get stuck in it. Dick Van Dyke says: Learn Not To Burn Your Own Building. Confucious say, one should not torch where one shits. -- K. Been a while since anyone dared to start a fire in my building. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn! Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2005 23:15:34 -0400 [fun with arson] Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > [...] Nobody was hurt and there was minimal damage to the building > (it is a 22-unit, 3-story courtyard building). Still? > Got photos, of course! But just pics of a bunch of police and emergency > vehicles and firemen and cops milling around and doing their thing. I'll > post some when I have time. > > Dave, one of those firemen was to DIE FOR. OMFG he was so cute! If you > like that sort of thing, I mean. He was Brad Pitt and Treat Williams. The > CLTV chick who was out there filming--I swear she was hitting on him. I am > really ashamed that I did not have the balls to go up to him and just say, > hey, lemme get a shot of you hitting on this reporter. Sorry. Brad Pitt isn't really a fireman, he just dressed like that so that he could help the Chinese acrobat hide in your washing machine so that he could switch off the artificial gravity that controls the knockout gas pellets in the floor of the bank vault that connects Caesar's Palace Las Vegas with Caesar's Palace Tahoe and Caesar's Palace Atlantic City and a Russian space station that you can hardly see because George Clooney's face occupies 90% of the frame no matter who's talking. You shoulda asked him whether "Fight Club" was a documentary or a comedy. > A shame, really--for me--cause that reporter was rather hawt herself, but I > could not get near enough to her to strike up a conversation, for the > attentions she was laying on this dude. You should try it sometime. Lots of people love uniforms. Just pick a Village Person and rent the appropriate uniform. The only uniforms that will reduce your chances of getting a date are "Star Trek" ones. ("Star Wars" ones work, 'cause shiny plastic stormtrooper armor is good.) Head over to your local army surplus store and get yourself one of those silver firefighter suits with the gold face shield and big boots and you'll have lots of people chasing after you, especially Alex Toth. > Anyway, what I DO know happened, was that someone lit a fire inside the door > of one of the units here. I saw the aftermath, and it seems that the person > poured accelerant inside the door, right at the base of it, then lit it and > closed the door and got the hell out of there. I'll go up there and take > some photos later on...but the police are probably still up there taking > photos and stuff. It's okay, they'll probably let you look at the Polaroids for a few minutes between when the good cop leaves the "interview room" and when the bad cop comes in. > It is cool that it happened while someone was around to smell the smoke, > cause even though the smoke alarms worked, if it had been a million thirty > in the morning (or even mid-day, with everyone away at work), the fire would > maybe have spread. Also, in any building containing more than three people, everyone ignores all smoke alarms because it's someone else's job to pay attention to danger signals. > As it was, the dude who lives across the hall from this apartment responded > to the smoke alarms and called 911, and went out there and doused what he > could of the blaze with water (you can tell that the accelerant had leaked > under the door to the hallway outside and continued burning). I think the > landlady owes him at least a couple of months' free rent. ...which will be offset by the way everyone's rent will go up twenty percent due to the emergency repairs. I bet the landlord set the fire themselves and hired a bunch of actors (mayve even Brad Pitt) to run around in bunker gear just as an excuse to gouge you on rent. > From talking with the landlady and with other tenants, I gathered that the > tenants of the apartment that was torched (a twentyish couple with an > infant) had been arguing with each other and with the landlady, and were > in the process of being evicted, and had in fact moved most of their stuff > out. Since the male of the couple showed up while this was all going down, > I am pretty sure that he was not the dude who did the dirty deed. But one > never knows. Never underestimate the capacity of your fellow human for > utter stupidity. Remember, people who enjoy starting fires also enjoy watching fires and enjoy receiving attention. I don't like fires. I like lightning bolts. So you better pay attention to me no matter how many miles away you are. -- K. Explosions are good, too, but they wake up the neighbors too fast unless they're explosions of knockout gas, and that stuff is expensive. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn! Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 02:01:25 -0400 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > Cut it out! > > You know Kibo, I think I am going to studiously ignore you until you stop > making me laugh my SLMFW ass off. "Sweet Little Mother-Fudgin' White ass"? Sorry, I don't speak imaginary acronyms. NGETTAMTAMD. > Anyway, in today's haste to relive the time when I was a "Real Journalist" > I forgot everything I taught myself as a "reporter cub wannabe". > > In short, I fucked up. It's okay, just push the button that makes your wristwatch go "ZEE-ZEE-ZEE-ZEE" and Superman will come and save you after first showing some toughlove. As far as being a good reporter goes, just remember to always ask, "WHOWHATWHENWHEREHOWANDWHY???" every time anyone says anything. And contrary to popular wisdom, your job isn't done after you get a who, a what, a when, a where, a how, and a why -- there are always more whys. Blurt "Why?" whenever can't think of anything else. Why? Because. Why because? Because because. "Why?" is the question that has to be answered after all the others to make the story worth having been read. What color is the M&M? Okay, it was green. Where is the green M&M? Up someone's nose. Who has the green M&M up their nose? Burgess Meredith. WHY DOES BURGESS MEREDITH STICK M&Ms UP HIS NOSE??? > Therefore, I am ashamed to admit that today I have only two photographs to > submit for ARKian examination--one of which has nothing whatsoever to do > with today's incident: > > http://www.kriho.com/arson/ You said "cub reporter", I didn't, so now I have to say something about you taking that photo of the bear on the right. As far as "depth_of_field_test.jpg" goes, Yves Tanguy called, he wants his multiplication of arcs back, and stop making fun of my prosopagnosia! But that sure is a big bowl of new Kibbles 'n' Pringles. When it rains, does your yard make its own gravy? -- K. For future photo opportunities related to arson in your building, keep some firefighter turnout gear around so you can dress up and blend in and interview that chick who has the hots for firemen. Then get her phone number so you can stalk her and burn her house down. Take lots of photos. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn! Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 07:13:35 -0400 James Vandenberg (Basalisk@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] acronyms. NGETTAMTAMD. > > I swear, this internet thing gets into your brane. For some reason the > N and the D fell off that acronym, and I read: "Get tam-tam". Then my > brane decided to conjure up a picture of Kibo in a baby outfit screaming > "Get TAM!-TAM! and Ms. ~T Harris running away, but not so fast > fake-baby-kibo couldn't keep up. I am not a baby! > Meanwhile Spot cries because his master is unable to feed him, being > too busy acting like a baby, and Spot doesn't like regurgitated baby > fake-milk formula. I am not a baby! > Of course, Kibo is a genius, but acting like a baby, I am not a baby! > which makes him a baby genius or something. WAAAAAAAAAH!!! I DON'WANNA BE A BABY GENIUS YOU BIG DOIDYHEAD!!!!! Those movies sucked! And, unfortunately, they didn't just suck in an ordinary "you have no reason to watch these" way, they sucked in that very special "you have to watch this so you can spend the rest of your life complaining about them" way, a level of mesmerizing badness that Ed Wood could only have dreamed of sinking to. In related news, right before I saw your article, I finished reading a long Phoenix New Times interview with a guy known in the area as "Baby Man". He's the sole documented example of a "24/7 adult baby" -- that is, the only known guy who dresses like a baby _all_ the time no matter where he is (including pooping in his diaper wherever, whenever.) He's rich enough to not have to work, but it's still amazing that he's so brave as to live out this fantasy which makes him a constant target for ridicule -- he seems to enjoy shocking and provoking people (he chose to do the interview in a biker bar with surly drunks around.) I really admire his courage to be who he wants to, even though it invites trouble. Know how nervous you get when you have to give a speech in front of twenty people while you're all wearing suits and ties? Imagine being stared at everywhere, all the time... Fonzie wouldn't have the cool to handle it. Baby Man is ultra-cool. [www.phoenixnewtimes.com] -> -> [at the Fry's supermarket] Customers and cashiers stare at the -> 5-foot-11, 180-pound man, who is dressed in a pink bonnet, pink -> shorty dress, and white patent leather shoes. Gold heart-shaped -> earrings twinkle beneath his carefully curled hair. Under his dress, -> you can see his diaper. He takes his place in line with a carry-all -> basket full of juice and Gerber baby food. Wait, if you turned a _real_ baby loose in the supermarket all he'd buy would be candy! That's why we don't normally let the babies go to the supermarket by themselves, because they hate baby food! -> [later, at home] In the cabinets above his sink, there are dozens -> of jars of Gerber baby food -- yellow squash, vanilla custard, and -> meat 'n' veggies. He doesn't eat the baby food every day ("I probably -> eat 50 percent baby food, 50 percent adult food," he says), but it -> does have its nutritional benefits, he insists. -> -> "I've dieted with baby food before. It's not the best tasting, -> although some of those desserts are really good. But there's almost -> zero fat," he says. -> -> "S'ghettis are my favorite. I really don't like the broccoli and cheese. -> -> "That's gross!" Now that's the proper attitude. Especially because even us grownups know that anything with cheese sauce on it is super-icky! Ewwww. -> [earlier in the article, at the biker bar] -> -> The stares and laughter are a part of the appeal of the "24/7 -> extreme AB/DL" life. Which is why Windsor chose to meet at -> Bogie's, a bar he admits is pretty rough. -> -> "I do enjoy pissing ignorant people off. I like to point out how -> stupid people can sometimes be," he says, with the faint Southern -> accent he acquired while splitting time among Tennessee, Alabama -> and Mississippi for most of the past 25 years. Then, he lights up -> a cigarette, with mild hesitation. Wait a minute. Babies don't smoke! BABIES DON'T SMOKE!!! Aw, hell with it. I think anyone should be allowed to smoke, as long as they're not in my living room. Let the baby have his cigarette! -> "But to be honest, I don't really piss off that many people. -> -> "I've found that most people are at the very least tolerant, if -> not downright supportive of my appearance." I suspect he gets a lot of weirdos who want to take his photo for their own evil purposes. Given that I can hardly dress up for a date without someone wanting to snap a photo of me (and yes, I've been phone-cammed in a Fry's) I imagine he must get photographed a lot. I wonder what percentage of the photos are taken for each of the possible reasons: "Hey, look at the sick weirdo I spotted!" "Hey, look how cool it is that this guy doesn't care what we think!" "Hey, I'm going to take this photo home and jerk off while I'm secretly envious of this guy living out my hidden perversion!" (And when people _tell_ you why they want to photograph you, it's always a lie -- unless there really are a lot of scavenger hunts asking people to look for orange-haired leathermen.) He also probably gets asked plenty of stupid questions, just like any leatherman, tranny, punk rocker, Scottish highlander, etc. (And kids are wonderfully un-shy about piping up to ask about odd-looking people -- I always hear them asking their mommy "Why is that man's hair orange?" and am then amused by the difficulty the parents have in explaining the concept of individuality to their child while being aware that other people can hear them talking about such a frightening topic. Kids are not uncomfortable about talking about anything, and this freaks their parents out. Once I was with someone who was wearing a kilt, and we heard "Mommy, that man's wearing a dress!" from across the supermarket, and I was disappointed that it wasn't answered by an anguished stage whisper of her explaining "Ssh, it's not a dress, it's a skirt!") -> Just then, Dan, one of the new arrivals in the tight corduroy -> shorts, approaches. Already drunk, Dan struggles to put together -> a sentence, opening his mouth to speak, but unsure of the -> question he wants to ask. -> -> "Wha--," Dan begins. "W-w-why?" Then, he finally spits it out. -> -> "Is that baby powder I smell?" -> -> "Yeah," Windsor replies. "Do you like it?" -> -> Dan begins to sway, nearly falling over until he props himself up -> with an outstretched arm on the bar. -> -> "Not really," he says, inches from Windsor's nose. "It kinda -> stinks." -> -> Dan's delivery makes them fightin' words. But Windsor has a way -> of defusing these kinds of situations, he says, which happen so -> infrequently, even he seems surprised. -> -> "I've got a third-degree black belt in tae kwon do," he says, -> later. "The last thing somebody wants is to get their ass kicked -> by a baby girl." And you'd expect wearing "tight corduroy shorts" in a biker bar to be more tolerant of people dressed in a not-so-butch way. I don't understand why our society goes out of its way so much to mock people who deliberately dress eccentrically as opposed to those people who are just so clueless that they throw together ridiculous- looking outfits at random. Why bother making fun of a guy who put a lot of careful thought into living out a flamboyant fantasy when there's a guy across the room who's wearing fuzzy little hotpants in the tough-guy bar? This is why people with cultural sophistication know that clowns aren't funny, because clowns dress that way on purpose. There's no point to yelling at Ronald McDonald, "Hey, I bet you don't realize it, but your shoes are unfashionably large!" But people wearing short-shorts that go wiff-wiff when they mince through the biker bar, them's the ones who aren't aware of the world around them. The Phoenix New Times article generalizes that adult babies who are straight men dress as girls, while gay men dress as baby boys -- if true, this is one of those instances where, contrary to stereotypes, transvestitism occurs more frequently among straights. Not being an adult baby (NOT A BABY NOT A BABY NOT A BABY) and not knowing any (that I'm aware of), I've never thought about it before, but after thinking about it a little, it makes sense. When straight men submit to, say, a dominatrix, the attitude is "Men are normally the dominant gender, so to submit to a woman I have to be de-humanized, feminized, or infantilized," i.e. by being treated like a dog, a woman, or a baby, whereas for a lot of gay men relationships are "I'm a man and I'm looking for a man because only a man can truly male-bond with a man enough to understand him in order to fully dominate him," though I wouldn't be surprised if there are a lot of straight men who are infantilists without the cross-dressing, or a lot of gay men who combine transvestitism with infantilism. (After all, anything goes!) I think that's about as much as I want to think about infantilism for this year. I support the right of people to live out their own fantasies and desires, no matter what they are, as long as they don't involve non-consensuality -- but personally, I could never be involved in anything where an adult play-acts the part of a child in a sexual context, because even pretend pedophilia makes my skin crawl. (A lot of gay leather couples call each other "daddy" and "boy", and this creeps me out -- when a young guy wants to call me "daddy", that's a real turn-off.) I realize that the adult baby experience is not about sex as the "normals" would define sex -- usually there's not any traditional sexual contact -- but it's still analogous enough (i.e. the drive for any sort of kink is as strong as, and fulfills the same psychological needs as, traditional sex) that it's one of those things that combines stuff I don't want touching anywhere on my plate (children and sex stay waaaaaay apart in my worldview.) I accept that it's okay for other people to do the adult baby stuff since it involves consenting adults, but it's one of those things that are on my personal "I wouldn't, ever" list. (Haw haw, I just made several thousand people squirm by forcing you to think about perversions and whether or not you can feel politically correct about them.) Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm in awe of the fortitude that Baby Man has in order to spend all his time living out his fantasy, in public, despite it being a fantasy that many people consider much freakier than if he just dressed like Superman or Tweety Bird all the time. It really puts things in perspective -- we all find it hard to choose to non-conform, but this guy has made such peace with living as who he wants to be that he can do whatever he wants without fear. I'd suspect he lives by John Cleese's rule, "People who are easily offended _should_ be offended." -- K. So, Mr. Vandenberg, does this punish you sufficiently for trying to insert me into your "Baby Geniuses III" script? And when do I get my own advice show on cable TV? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn! Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 16:25:38 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > He also probably gets asked plenty of stupid questions, just like any > > leatherman, tranny, punk rocker, Scottish highlander, etc. (And kids > > are wonderfully un-shy about piping up to ask about odd-looking people -- > > For some reason, I get a lot of kids thinking I'm Santa Clause, I could > understand if my hair was grey. Also, how many times have you seen Santa > wearing Tie-Dye? Hey, he's not a full-time fursuiter. The other 364.25 days of the year, he gets real mellow while he watches "Yellow Submarine" exactly 5828 times in a row. Almost 6171 times if it's the older edition that doesn't have the unambitiously-animated "Hey Bulldog" sequence stopping the action. Also he lives with the Phantom and Flash Gordon and Merlin The Magician and other King Features brand characters plus a campy cutout of Queen Victoria. It's all too much. The downside to kids thinking you're Santa Claus is that Santa knows if kids are sleeping or awake. So you have to be ready to run if the kid yells "Mommy, Mommy, there's the magical old man who watches me sleep! And he puts rocks in my socks!" -- K. Lots of kids think I'm Evil Lincoln from that "Star Trek" episode there would have been if the show had been on the air just one week longer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn! Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2005 23:19:42 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > According to the TV cops n bad guys shows, arsonists like to > hang around and watch their work. And therefore, since you like to watch TV shows that show lots of arson, you're an arsonist now too! STAY AWAY FROM MY STAMP COLLECTION. -- K. I bet you cook a lot of creme brulee. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn! Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2005 22:54:47 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > > > Arson in my building. > > > > Fire Department and police all over the place. > > Damn. Hope you didn't lose anything in the fire. Unless it was evidence of something or other, I'm not saying it was and I'm not saying it wasn't, I'm just sayin' that whether or not it ever existed can never be proven or disproven therefore it never happened because FIRE CLEANSES ALL. > FD guys are usually cool. > > I don't entirely trust cops. But I do know a few good ones. POST MORE VILLAGE PEOPLE FANFIC > No chance to roast any wieners or marshmallows, eh ? POST LESS VILLAGE PEOPLE FANFIC -- K. Do you also like Soviet "bio-robots" dressed for Chernobyl cleanup? Of course, to get them to come to your neighborhood, you have to start a very special fire. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn! Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 02:12:54 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > in the middle of a discussion about Nicko's building bursting into flames, > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > POST MORE VILLAGE PEOPLE FANFIC > > this makes me wonder: since there are all these people writing slashfic > where they turn spock and various other fictional characters gay, are > there any people writing slashfic about fictional female characters > turning the Village People or Snavely from the Harry Potter books > straight? It's called "Can't Stop The Music". YOU'RE WELCOME. That's the movie which makes it clear that Bruce Jenner is the only gay member of the Village People. The others are just loveable eccentrics whose girlfriends don't mind that they're wearing Halloween costumes. > are there any slashfics about Lassie or Benji going to town on Al > Bundy's leg? Um, unfortunately, thousands. The most egregious one I ever encountered was one where the cheap imitation Wil Wheaton from NBC's "seaQuest DSV" got it on with the magical telepathic robot dolphin who talks in an annoying cartoon voice. Thankfully, Roy Scheider wasn't involved. > and what about food slashfic? ISAGN for stories about fictional > characters cooking and eating elaborate meals. Pee Wee Herman making > beans and franks. The Man From Atlantis making lobster thermadore. that > sort of thing. Those are called "celebrity cookbooks" and they already occupy half your local bookstore. The other half is books with titles like "Astrology For Dipshits". (Martin Gardner wrote that one.) The two halves are separated by that giant scoreboard with the digital counter telling you that the next Harry Potter book will be available for pre-pre-ordering in exactly 547 days, 13 hours, 27 minutes, 04 seconds, not correcting for wind resistance and density of local dipshits. -- K. There's nothing wrong with Harry Potter books, I just wish the bookstores wouldn't throw out all the grown-up books to make room for "The Harry Potter Diet". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Harry Potter trouble (was: Damn!) Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 16:58:51 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] that giant scoreboard with the digital counter > > telling you that the next Harry Potter book will be available for > > pre-pre-ordering in exactly 547 days, 13 hours, 27 minutes, 04 seconds, > > not correcting for wind resistance and density of local dipshits. > > Or better yet, the bookstore simply stops updating the countdown. My > local Fox & Sons, er Barnes & Noble, still has the countdown of 41 > days - two days before its release. YOU you ARE are STUCK stuck IN in A a TIME time WARP loop WITH with DIVERGENT paradoxical PROPERTIES effects AND and CAN can ONLY only ESCAPE survive IF when YOU everyone STEAL burns THIS that BOOK store. -- K. I heard that in the next book, Dumbledore kills Harry Potter by shooting him in the back with a crossbow. Also, the actor who plays Harry in the movies has gotten too old, so they're replacing him with someone younger -- Clint Howard. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Those evil Canadians, always trying to blow up the U.S. Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 01:30:13 -0400 I don't understand why the President even allows Canada to share a border with us. Shouldn't we just push their country away and let it float over to Russian? [www.ctv.ca] -> -> Canadian teen found guilty of bomb plot in U.S. -> -> CTV.ca News Staff -> Updated: Mon. Jun. 13 2005 11:32 PM ET -> -> Canadian teenager Travis Biehn, who prosecutors say hates -> Americans, was found guilty Monday of two counts involving a plot -> to blow up his U.S. high school. -> -> Biehn, 17, was arrested earlier this month after police found -> bomb-making materials in his suburban home in an affluent community -> in Buckingham, Pennsylvania. -> -> Biehn will remain in custody for up to 20 days while the judge -> arranges for psychological evaluations and background checks that -> will help determine his sentence. -> -> Biehn was arrested earlier this month after bomb threats were found -> scrawled on a bathroom wall in the high school he attended in -> nearby Doylestown. -> -> "What we have is a juvenile's bizarre behavior of reporting a bomb -> threat in the bathroom and laughing about it," said Judge Kenneth -> Biehn, who is no relation. ...other than the fact that they're both human biehns. -> "(He possessed) a lot of material in his house which was capable at -> some point of manufacturing an incendiary device. Under the law, -> one doesn't have to have one (a bomb)," said the judge. -> -> While prosecutors have portrayed Biehn as a hostile, dangerous -> teenager who hates Americans, others contend he's a victim of -> post-9/11 fear and suspicion. Hey, that's what Canadians get for blowing up our World Trade Center just because we held their flag upside-down once at a hockey game back when hockey still existed. Sure, they want us to believe that people living in Afghanistan masterminded it, but if the Canadians weren't involved, then why, when our armed forces bombed Afghanistan, did we kill all those Canadian soldiers? -> District Attorney Dianne Gibbons described Biehn to reporters as a -> "pretty dangerous kid." -> -> She also repeated assertions that "we've certainly heard he's not -> happy being in America ... that he's made anti-American statements. -> Some people characterize it as a joke, some people don't, depending -> on who you talk to. -> -> "Whether that has anything to do with this, I don't know." -> -> Gibbons also noted that he wore an "I am Canada T-shirt" to his -> first court appearance and argued his dislike for Americans was the -> motive for the alleged bomb plot. His lawyer plans to call for a mistrial on the grounds of shoddy American copy-editing. I note that in the picture of him being arrested, he's wearing a bright blue dress shirt with a bright red necktie in an effort to pass himself off as an American. But the bowl haircut's the giveaway. -> Biehn's friend Mai Pham said he had become an unwitting victim of -> the zero-tolerance policy implemented in schools after the -> terrorist attacks and the Columbine massacre. -> -> "All this characterization about him hating Americans is very -> untrue," Pham said. -> -> "I've talked to him about it. We joke," he said. -> -> "His comfort zone is back in Canada. It doesn't mean he wants to -> destroy here." Canada is a very comfortable country, yes. That's why we must never let them lull us into a false sense of security with their soft, squishy poutine and their cuddly polar bears. The real Canada is Tim Horton getting run over by Tie Domi's SmartCar. The real Canada is Edmonton faking their waterfall's existence only on days when Americans might be visiting. The real Canada is chubby guys bellowing psychotically as they slide curling stones towards a big bulls-eye target painted red, white, and blue. The real Canada is beavers and moose running wild in the streets, mauling anyone who does not give them a toonie! -> Biehn's lawyer William Goldman said that the family is considering -> several options, including an appeal. -> -> The incident -> -> On May 27, Biehn and two other students at Central Bucks High -> School East told teachers about bomb threats -- reading "6-3-05 CBE -> will be BOOM" -- written on a wall of the boy's washroom. -> -> The school's principal wasn't informed of the threat until the -> following week, after the janitor had apparently washed the -> evidence off the wall. Wait, the school janitor actually cleaned graffiti off a wall? Are they sure this janitor is a loyal American and not one of those suspiciously-clean, ultra-tidy Canadians? -> The principal offered a $250 US reward for information, and two -> students came forward, pointing police to a website Biehn had -> posted with pictures of bomb-making materials in his bedroom. -> -> Police searched the Biehn home and found several pounds of -> potassium nitrate, fuses and canisters. -> -> They found no igniting materials like sulfur or charcoal, but -> Gibbons has stated that the teen possessed enough material to -> level the house. -> -> Bomb expert Thomas Lynch testified that the materials found could -> have been used to make bombs, but also for more innocent uses such -> as model rockets. -> -> According to Biehn's friend Cathy Block, he and his father launch -> rockets as a hobby. -> -> "When they launch rockets, it's a neighbourhood event," she said. "And they're so meticulous, too. They always aim them so precisely towards the White House." Further details: [www.cba.ca] => => The father said his son wanted magnesium thermite for science => experiments but they ended up using it to try to burn a stump out => of the back yard to make way for a fish pond. => => The potassium nitrate, stored in a crawlspace in the teen's closet => that the father pointed out to police, was intended to make smoke => glitters, or smoke bombs, that were set off in the back yard "in a => controlled environment," he said. You can control any environment by blowing it up! Anyway, I don't know if this kid did actually commit the heinous crime of blowing up his school and killing everyone, or if he's just being railroaded for two very suspicious activities (owning a crawlspace and being too Canadian.) Also I bet that fish pond was for piranhas. Remember, they're legal in Canada! Still, it's a good thing they caught him before he blew up a second school. But wait! There are more details in a third article! [www.ctv.ca] -> -> "He's a pretty dangerous kid," District Attorney Diane Gibbons -> said outside court. "He's obviously an unhappy kid and he's -> obviously an angry kid. What made him angry enough to do this, I -> don't know." -> -> Gibbons, who noted days ago that Biehn wore an "I am Canadian" -> T-shirt to his first court appearance, refused to speculate on -> his motive. -> -> But she repeated assertions that "we've certainly heard he's not -> happy being in America . . . that he's made anti-American -> statements. Some people characterize it as a joke, some people -> don't, depending on who you talk to." -> -> "Whether that has anything to do with this, I don't know. He -> could just be unhappy, a lot of people are unhappy." So, he's "pretty dangerous" because "he could just be unhappy". I say unhappy people oughta be penned up because they shouldn't be allowed to get dangerous and blow up the happy people! Happy people have a hard time remaining happy while they're getting exploded! -> [...] -> -> "Someone can point a finger and before you know it you're being -> stormtrooped and your child is being taken away," she said before -> the hearing began in juvenile court. Wait, that's not a real verb. Only people who have been proven to be loyal Americans get to make up their own verbs. Don't let them Canadiate our language!!! -> [...] -> -> Student Josh Collins, 16, testified he then informed Jennelle -> "for the safety of our school" that a week or two before, Biehn -> had shown him a personal website with pictures boxes containing -> white powder. And white is the death color, at least when it comes to unidentified powder! Just ask anyone who attempted to mail a bag of cocaine to their grandma in 2001 and got railroaded for mailing anthrax instead of harmless cocaine. [metronews.ca] => => The county prosecutor says Biehn scrawled a bomb threat on a => school bathroom wall on May 27, then drew a teacher's attention => to it. => => However, Goldman says, the threat was washed off before police => were called. => => "We don't know whether we're dealing with a right-hander or a => left-hander," he said. Oh no -- he might be one of those people who is not only Canadian but also a southpaw! How sinister! He's going to sneak into our homes and replace our chocolate syrup with maple syrup and replace our scissors that won't cut straight unless we hold them in the wrong hand! [www.macon.com] -> -> Last week was not the first time that Travis Biehn was accused of -> illegally mixing school and hazardous materials, court records show. -> -> The teen, accused of threatening to bomb Central Bucks High School -> East last week, was caught four years ago selling a napalm-like -> substance to schoolmates, Buckingham Township police said in a -> recent search-warrant application. Oh, come on, almost everything is "napalm-like"! Vaseline is! And if he was selling tubs of Vaseline to his school chums he probably wasn't doing anything worse than having an orgy! But you should judge for yourself whether this Canadian infiltrator is evil -- look at his mug shots and then decide: Bowl haircut or CANADIAN FIVE-PIN BOWLING haircut? http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_06_biehn_1.jpg I don't think I like the new Mr. Spock. http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_06_biehn_2.jpg In 40 years, that's gonna be a hell of a comb-over. http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_06_biehn_3.jpg -- K. Of course, this is satire -- we all know Canadians entering the U.S. are never dangerous, except for that one a few days ago who came in carrying a bloody chainsaw. And William Shatner. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Disturbing commercial #20050614a. Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 01:40:16 -0400 Perky music plays. Guy jogs past an inflated vinyl bunny head sitting on a lawn. It shrivels up. Guy jogs past a kid riding a pogo stick. The kid falls off, hilariously landing on his head. Guy jogs past waterbed store. All the waterbeds explode, causing people to scream in terror. Guy jogs past parked cars. Their tires explode and unidentified white powder sprays out. Guy jogs past kids playing in a bouncy castle. It deflates, presumably smothering them. Guy stops at an intersection and an 18-wheeler truck drives past. All its tires explode, with flame and sparks. Announcer: "The unstoppable AQ Transfer from Adidas." What the fudge? Apparently the reason you should buy these sneakers is that whenever they touch pavement, everything or everything around you is deflated, exploded, or violently murdered. And I'm sorry, but even that wonderful imaginary feature, if real, wouldn't get me to wear sneakers. It's just not respectable to use sneakers to commit mass murder. I demand boots or better. -- K. Also, please tell me what could possibly be better than boots. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing commercial #20050614a. Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 02:54:42 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Guy jogs past parked cars. Their tires explode and unidentified white > > powder sprays out. > > > > [...] > > > > Announcer: "The unstoppable AQ Transfer from Adidas." > > The unstoppable *Al Qaeda* Transfer, that is. Of course. Why didn't I think of that? Shoe bombers are a growing market, 'cause whenever they blow themselves up, the FBI confiscates whatever's left of their shoes! So those who will avenge them have to buy another pair of disposable explodasneakers! America needs to corner this market by selling shoes to everyone who hates Americans. Quick, come up with a slogan that will make people who want to kill us give us all their money. It should have a pun. -- K. But what about the Suicide Socks? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Does it cost money to check books out of your library? Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 05:03:14 -0400 In soc.libraries.talk, Cathy Gale (GaleForce_1962@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Someone on a mailing list that I belong to has said that she pays $100 > a year to belong to a library and check out books. This is in Chicago. > > I have never heard of this before...in context she seems to be talking > about public libraries, not university libraries... > > Do any other libraries charge their patrons for the privelege of > checking out books? Did she actually say she pays the library $100 a year, or just that she pays $100 a year? Maybe there's just some creepy guy standing out front charging admission and... hmm... I think I need to spend more time down by the library. How much do you think Don Saklad will pay me? Or should I just go with the old "I have to hold your wallet for safekeeping, you can get it back on the way out" trick? (Don, if you're reading this, it's not a trick, you really should give me your wallet.) -- K. Please tell Venus and Emma I said 'ello. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Commander Straker Dead? Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 16:47:23 -0400 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > [link to obituary for "Captain Scarlet"/"UFO" star Ed Bishop] > > Dammit, you people are supposed to be up to speed on this stuff. > Who's the slacker? Hmm. He died June 8. I posted this June 5: -> Dude, "Stingray" was before even "Thunderbirds", which was before -> "Captain Scarlet", which was before "UFO", which was set in the -> distant future year of 1980, so "Stingray" was back when 1980 -> wasn't even in the future yet. One look at Troy Tempest's eyebrows -> should tell you that that show was made back when Gerry Anderson was -> still learning basic tool use. It was done circa 1963. However, that didn't mention Ed Bishop by name. If E-mail counts, I sent this private explanation to someone two weeks earlier: => "Captain Scarlet" was later re-made as a live-action show called "UFO", => more or less, which is why Ed Bishop wears that ridiculous blonde Beatle => wig because that's what the puppet he voiced wore. "UFO" was basically => the same show except with taller people, and no Captain Scarlet. My => assumption is that Captain Blue, a.k.a Commander Straker, took over => after Captain Scarlet told the aliens he was only vulnerable to electricity => several times too many. The question is, was Ed Bishop buried in his Beatle wig? And did the aliens then steal his corpse so they could harvest his organs to keep themselves alive in their space suits filled with green Kool-Aid, or did they run afoul of some teens on LSD again? Ed Bishop was also the voice in British commercials for Clearasil, because all zit-faced teens trust the advice of any adult in a Beatle wig. Sorry, Mr. Bishop. I didn't mean to kill you. I was only trying to kill one of the other tiny puppets. But it's hard because nobody can agree on which actor Captain Scarlet's face was plagiarized from (some claim it's Roger Moore, but I don't see much resemblance) which is why the Death Ray bounced off Anonymous Captain Scarlet and splattered all over Ed Bishop As Captain Blue. Really, I was only aiming the Death Ray at Captain Scarlet. I just wanted to crash him (so his body may burn) and smash him (but I know he'll return), this had nothing to do with whether or not your brand of zit cream worked for me. -- K. I should've used the electricity. Why do I keep forgetting that Captain Scarlet tells everyone in the world that he's only vulnerable to electricity? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Commander Straker Dead? Date: Wed, 15 Jun 2005 02:13:44 -0400 TomH (address@my.sig) wrote: > > Honourable Kibo, if you are so damn good with the Death Ray, > why aren't we all dead? 'Cause the a.r.k Death Ray doesn't work when I want someone to die. Remember how Bob Hope lived to be nearly 200 years old no matter how many times I reminded him that he kept forgetting to crumble back into the fine powder from which Vaudeville Golems are made? So, most of you folks should live to be twice as old as he was, whether you want to or not. Wow, this is dark. But remember, darkness protects you from the Death Ray's eerie, Aerolux-like glow! For best results, turn off your TV set, wait a fraction of a second for the screen to finish turning dark, then smash the glass with a hammer to let that darkness out, filling your home with cozy, comforting opaque inky black. (Wearing a sandbag over your head isn't good enough, since a bit of light still leaks through that green mesh -- the Army needs to start lining them with black velvet or something.) And never, ever take off your sunglasses, even in your bathtub, which should be full of melted dark chocolate. Very, very dark chocolate. Give in to the power of the chocolate side of the Force. -- K. If you don't have a bathtub, use the pool at the YMCA and a cement mixer full of chocolate. If you don't have a cement mixer full of chocolate, then there is no hope for you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My review of Ep. III - ROTS Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 17:35:58 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Darth Vader in this movie is not as impressive as the originals and for > good reason. David Prowse who is an actual body-builder wore the suit in > the originals, but after a fall out with the director, they seem to have > gotten a small Jewish boy to wear the suit in this movie. I know this as > I saw him walking down to temple last Saturday with his dad. I don't > know how they managed to blackmail Woody Allen into it, but it is a bit > strange to say the least. You misspelled "Rick Moranis". Sheesh, at this rate, they'll never let you join the Ghostbusters, and even if they do, they'll give you fewer lines than even Ernie Hudson. > I know what the story is, but it is much better if you see it as one > man's struggle against the forces of leather. This leads eventually to > him seeing the black, black leather for what it is and becoming a > Leatherman as was going to happen eventually any way. One character gets > his face distorted by lightning and ends up looking like an old boot, so > that is another leather reference for you. Tim... Naah, too easy. YOUSA SO ZINGABLE!!! > [...] > > This movie is not for kids due to some violent scenes and adult > concepts. It is for the best, unless you want to teach your children a > lesson in disappointment and how things don't always turn out the way > they want. What's disappointing about finding out that the obnoxious little brat from the first movie grows up to be The World's Shortest Darth Vader and make a fortune providing voice-overs for millions of Verizon commercials? That's something all kids should strive for. Too many kids have no idea what they want to be when they grow up, and wanting to grow up evil is better than just being undecided. Also, it teaches kids the important lesson that it's okay for robots to be faggy. If you do want to teach your kids a valuable lesson, show 'em "Battle Royale". > I don't plan on buying this movie or the other two prequels on DVD or > the eventual box sets. It would probably be for the best that everyone > acknowledge these movies and then forget about them and get back to > watching the original Star Wars movies. I prefer grown-up movies. But I will admit that the best of the original "Star Wars" movies was the one made in 1980 starring Sam Jones, Melody Anderson, Topol, Brian Blessed, Timothy Dalton, and Max von Sydow as Darth Ming. All the other "Star Wars" movies, such as "Episode IV", were pale imitations of it. So, of the three films in the "Ichi The Killer" series, which one was your favorite? -- K. Isn't it great that Takashi Miike's next movie is a splatter film for children? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My review of Ep. III - ROTS Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 17:43:26 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I don't want to post it as I will be made fun of again... I would just like to point out that in an article after that one, you _did_ post your "Star Wars" review. > Thanks. YOUSA SO WELCOME!!! EESA PEOPLE GONNA MOCKYA??? -- K. Is it just me, or has anyone else realized that Kermit The Frog is just Jar-Jar trying to pass as white, er, green? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: a.r.k Death Ray misfires again Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 23:18:40 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > of course, neither of us is as big a geek as the guy who drew the > > picture on the page facing the "random prostitute" table ... > > I mean the picture of the guy riding down the cobblestone streets > > zapping random people while proudly displaying his heavy-metal > > band album logo. I haven't opened that book in at least a year, > > and I can clearly picture that page. I am a sick, sick person. > > I totally loved that picture, although in my memory it's way > more dynamic. Now, I know you two were discussing this on the 9th, but it still seems highly suspicious that this guy's boss died on the 6th (and we only just found out about it from a link on Fark.com): [www.grandforks.com] -> -> MINNEAPOLIS -- David Sutherland, the Minneapolis native and -> illustrator whose images helped lead the fantasy role-playing -> game "Dungeons & Dragons" to success in the late 1970s and 1980s, -> has died of chronic liver failure. -> -> Sutherland died June 6 at his home in Sault Ste. Marie, Mich. -> He was 56. -> -> [...] -> -> Sutherland's illustrations include the famed scene of a dragon, a -> wizard and a bow-flexing knight on the first "D&D" boxed set that -> brought the game into the mainstream. Images on the covers of -> "Dungeon Masters Guide" and "Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Monster -> Manual," were his as well. Sutherland also worked as TSR's -> artistic director, but felt more at ease doing his own -> illustrations. The illustration you nerds like is signed "D.A.T." -- I think Mr. Sutherland only painted the color stuff, while D.A.T. contributed pen-and-ink drawings -- but still, Sutherland would have supervised him as art director, at the very least deciding which page which illustration would have been on. And now you've killed him. Apparently he failed to make his Saving Throw Vs. Nerdy Death Ray Collateral Damage. Since they always go in threes, and this week we've had Ed Bishop and this guy, who will be the third? -- K. ANDYROONEYANDYROONEYANDYROONEY If you say his name three times while looking in a mirror, Mary Worth fights him to the death over who's more culturally irrelevant. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Parable Date: Wed, 15 Jun 2005 07:11:37 -0400 James Vandenberg (Basalisk@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] Selenium is a toxic metal which your body needs to survive. I think you could say that about almost any toxic metal. Ever notice that cans of Play-Doh say "NON-TOXIC" in big letters but no food items claims to be non-toxic? This is because everything that's good for you is poisonous. If you don't believe me, try eating a thousand pounds of your favorite food in one day and see if you die! > [...] Your mongoose is derided as a lunatic. > > He hates his creator, and vows painful revenge. He does not specify whether > the revenge will be painful to his creator, or to himself. Everyone's mission in life is to figure out who God is so that they can kill him, her, or it. As always, should you fail at this mission, the secretary will disavow all knowledge of your actions. This cosmology will self-destruct in five billion years. And remember, in the Bible, when Ezekiel said he saw a great wheel flying through the sky, it wasn't a real UFO, it was just something Martin Landau made out of lasers and tinfoil. This was back when tinfoil was made of tin (a toxic metal) instead of aluminum (a cheaper toxic metal that turns your fingers black if it's not allowed with molybdenum, a toxic _funny_ metal.) Cut to Martin Landau disguised as a Muppet, singing "Molybdenum, doo-doo-doo-doot, molybdenum, doo-doo-doo-doot, molybdenum..." Then Cookie Monster finds two huge cans. He reads their labels. "First can say, 'DANGER PELIIIIIIGRO', so that can not good to eat! Second can say, 'PLAY-DOH NON-TOXIC' so that can perfectly safe!" Then the can eats Cookie Monster. Cut to Einstein on a catwalk, looking down into a vat of molten aluminum. He says "Gosh!" and something falls out of his mouth. "My retainer!" He lunges forward after it but falls over the railing into the vat of molten metal. It gets poured into a machine which starts churning out hundreds of boxes of aluminum foil. Each is marked "WORLD'S SMARTEST ALUMINUM FOIL". Martin Landau, now disguised as a "Captain Scarlet" marionette, gets fried by death rays from a real UFO. Aliens from the UFO replace his charred body with an exact duplicate, except not charred, and this evil Martin Landau puppet steals a box of the foil. "I must never let anyone know I am indestructible and can only be killed by chewing aluminum foil!" Automatically, he starts to put a piece of it into his mouth, but at the last moment, he realizes what he's doing and slaps his hand away. "Must... not... chew... foil!" Suddenly, Einstein's face appears on the crumpled piece of foil. "Yo, Martin! I'm Einstein, so stop crumpling me up!" Evil Martin Landau says "Whaaaaaaa?" and is so startled that he trips and falls into a vat of molten molybdenum. Several robots wearing Muppets on their metal hands plunge their Muppets into the vat too, while chanting "We are robots so we are immune to what kills Muppets!" Then a truck that says "Cheerios" on the side crashes into whatever weird sort of building everyone's in, and the air is filled with flying Cheerios! The giant can of Play-Doh runs around catching Cheerios in its mouth. While its mouth is open, Cookie climbs out. "Yay, me safe now!" Then a flying Cheerio hits him in the eye, making his eye spin around. The pain makes Cookie cry, but because his googly eye is still whirling, the tears go all over the place like a fire sprinkler. The Cheerios and Play-Doh both dissolve into a giant mound of soggy mush. God yells, "Cowabunga!" and does a cannonball dive into the glop. Then he climbs out, and he's still perfectly clean, because he's God. Then Cookie Monster wraps him in aluminum foil and chews him to death. THE END. THIS STORY HAS NOW REPLACED THE BIBLE. ALL HAIL COOKIE MONSTER. -- K. This is why selenium isn't allowed to have a bigger square than the other elements on the Periodic Table. Same for Paul Lynde, America's favorite noble gas. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Parable Date: Wed, 15 Jun 2005 20:35:12 -0400 Last night, while nearly asleep, I wrote: > > [...] back when tinfoil was made of tin (a toxic metal) instead > of aluminum (a cheaper toxic metal that turns your fingers black > if it's not allowed with molybdenum, a toxic _funny_ metal.) Best Freudian typo ever! So remember, if you're a Kibologist, you're allowed. But only some of us are ALLOWED WITH MOLYDENUM. And a few of you might be suffering the secret shame of only being allowed with boron. -- K. I now deserve a special solid molybdenum Nobel Prize, and I want it presented to me by someone with a solid gold head. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Here's 1 new news post (was: I have just deleted 1443 news posts.) Date: Wed, 15 Jun 2005 21:08:35 -0400 Tim Serpas (wretch@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Anyone know anything about waveguides? I work in a basement > and want to pipe in a better cell phone signal. Can this be > done without frying brains? It's a cell phone. The only way to make it not fry your brain is to buy a pair of solid lead underpants, drill some leg holes in them, then put the phone inside the magic underpants and bury them under 200 tons of cosmetic lava. > How about with? That might be handy, too. Sorry, I'm all talked out about the subject of Remote Brain-Melting Death Rays That Fit In Your Basement, having just spent much of last night and most of today shopping for industrial gases. And the damn valves and fittings that won't let them out, melt, or spark. * * Asterisk marks the spot where I wrote a lengthy R. Lee Ermey speech but then took it out and threw it away because although it's easy enough to come up with good drill chants about "MAPP gas", introducing the words "argon" or "Monel" or "thermonuclear fusion" makes it impossible to make any sort of catchy, chantable rhyme that can be understood when some old guy screams it in your ear while wearing a gas mask. Also I didn't want to write any articles Hank Hill could find interesting because I'm more of a Boomhauer kind of guy, I just wish they wouldn't make Boomhauer speak so slow. Oh, and I'm no longer upset over losing my favorite blowtorch since I bought a replacement. I still may need to get a fourth one, though. And lots more hacksaws. And some habanero peppers. -- K. I'd like to see Hank Hill eat a Guatemalan Insanity Pepper. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NOOOOOO! AYLO comes to Texas! Date: Wed, 15 Jun 2005 21:12:51 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > I used to laugh at Kibo's AYLO stories, thinking, "Hah! only in > Boston." or "Hah! Not in Texas." > > We just got our first, ever AYLO ice cream truck. Followed an hour > later by a *different* AYLO truck. It is going to be a loooong summer. > I think we are doomed. And oddly enough, they all mysteriously "left" my area of their own "free will" and haven't come back under "threat" of "waffle-stomping". I put in all those scare-quotes to make that sentence cutesy. Anyway, nice to know they all went down to Texas when I told them where to go. Next year you're going to get the one that parks three inches from your head and plays "Music Box Dancer" 29 hours a day. I promise. -- K. The most annoying ice cream truck would play those "funny" answering- machine greetings that go on for five minutes, especially the "Star Trek" ones. Those get pretty old by the ninth time you're forced to sit through them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NOOOOOO! AYLO comes to Texas! Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2005 01:22:50 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > I heard an "AYLO!" truck. Well, not "AYLO" but "HelLO?!" But it > seems to frequent a neighborhood a half-mile north of me. That's the problem. You're too distant for it to be properly distorted. Tell them to go five miles away and crank it up another 700 decibels. > My apartment complex gets an ice cream truck that plays "La Cucaracha". > A jingle that instills a sense of legitimacy and sanitary service. What flavors do they have? Rocky Road With Rocks With Legs? Winged Butternut? Howard Johnson's Roach Motel With 28 Flavors Of Vermin? Cherry Garcia With Non-Doobie-Related Roaches? Fudgy Buggy? By the way, Howard Johnson's only has 16 flavors of ice cream now at their eight remaining restaurants. You heard me, eight. Actually, that information came from an article in last month's "Forbes", so by now they might be down to seven. Or three. Or none. (Cut to Brian Posehn wearing only a diaper, sitting in a tub of ice cream. "Waah waah waah! I'm Coward Jerkson and I put roaches in your taffy!" Then he farts. Announcer: "Starbucks, now with eight THOUSAND locations.") I don't really give a damn one way or the other that the Howard Johnson's restaurant chain is circling the drain faster than even White Castle, but it's a good feeling to remember that HoJo's was the McDonalds or Starbucks of their day -- McDONALDS AND STARBUCKS, YOU'RE NEXT! Maybe White Castle can still recapture the 100% of the fast-food market they once had before McDonalds took over with their gigantic two-ounce hamburgers... -- K. AYLO!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Definition. Authority. Oxford English Dictionary. Date: Wed, 15 Jun 2005 21:28:58 -0400 In soc.libraries.talk, Don Saklad (dsaklad@gnu.org) wrote: > > Would any of you folks out there with access already to the > oxford english dictionary send along by email dsaklad at gnu.org > the OED definition for the word?... authority I did. Here it is: AUTHORITY (noun) -- Person who is surrounded by bozos and always has explain stuff to them, such as "Don, libraries are big buildings with books in them, including dictionaries the size of encyclopedias. Maybe you should consider going to the library someday -- it shouldn't take too much time out of your busy schedule of spending 24 hours a day complaining about the imaginary treatment you receive from the librarians in the library that you've clearly never even visited." Heck, even Fonzie went to the library when he needed to look up cool words in the OED. You, sir, are no Fonzie. -- K. Now, go to the library, find the reference shelf, and sit on it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New source of kitty crack Date: Wed, 15 Jun 2005 23:00:39 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > The blue gel gunk in cold packs. > > I borrowed a couple of cold packs from the University Health people on > Friday, for my leg[1]. I took them home over the weekend, but didn't > end up using them. I then left them on the floor, forgetting about > them til yesterday. Why did I remember about them? I found them in > different parts of the house, with kitty-tooth sized holes all over, > blue gunk leaking out, and little batty kitties who were spaced out > chasing each other. It was kitty crack. And they were kitty crack > whores. Well, with antifreeze, they sometimes put bad-tasting poison in it to keep pets from drinking it because pets love the taste of regular antifreeze, which is a delicious poison. Your gel packs probably don't have the bad-tasting additive, as you're not supposed to let your cats take them out of the freezer by themselves. Some states require antifreeze to be "pet-safe", some don't. You can figure out which type of state you're in by going to a convenience store and seeing whether or not the Slush Puppie machine has that picture of the dog drinking blue stuff while wearing a tuque. (I assume that in Canada, they use the same logo except the dog is wearing a cowboy hat.) > [1] I was hit by another car[2][5]. Fricking SUV drivers who don't > even look before pulling out. At least this one didn't do a runner. > [2] On the new bike[3] of course[4] > [3] Why couldn't they wait a day for me to take the shitter into work, > because it was raining then? > [4] Only a bent crank, because my foot was cleated in, and it was my > leg that took all of the impact[5]. > [5] How's that? Bent steel or aluminium or carbon or whatever crank, > and no broken leg? Is my leg made of some calcium-titanium alloy or > something? Because it has the power of Super Metal Fatigue, titanium shatters if you bend it back and forth several times. (I know, I've broken a lot of titanium.) So to find out whether or not your leg is titanium, just bend and unbend it until it falls off, then tell us how many tries it was good for and we'll look it up for you. So what shape is your road rash? -- K. And are you a straight-leg rider? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Psychologists only want you to THINK that placebos work! Date: Wed, 15 Jun 2005 23:21:31 -0400 "Time" magazine has a dopey new blog site, where they put the news that wasn't fit to print. [time.blogs.com] -> -> Placebos Can Bring Emotional Relief -> -> Placebos work because patients expect them to work, and the -> circuits of the brain obligingly follow suit. That's been well -> established when it comes to physical pain. Now, according to a -> new study published in Neuron, researchers in Sweden have found -> that placebos can also alleviate psychological distress. -> -> In a two-day experiment, 15 volunteers were asked to rate their -> reactions to disturbing pictures, such as images of mutilated -> bodies. I VOLUNTEER!!! Unless I've already signed up for something at Stanley Milgram's lab that day. Or Philip Zimbardo's. Or Takeshi Kitano's. -> They were told they would initially be given an anti-anxiety -> drug to reduce distress caused by the pictures might cause, -> and then be given an antidote that would block the soothing -> effects of the first drug and restore the full impact of -> the photos. Sheesh, pictures don't scare me. Anyone who gets anxious over looking at a rectangle of paper with some colors arranged like stuff just isn't holding it together. Actually, they were probably pictures on a computer screen. I bet they were just using one of those all-snuff slideshow screensavers you get for free whenever you buy a computer that was returned to Wal-Mart. -> Before-and-after MRI brain scans confirmed the effectiveness -> of the anti-anxiety drug in softening unpleasant perceptions. Ah, so they found a drug that makes snuff films enjoyable. I assume this research was sponsored by the Fox network. -> When the exercise was repeated the following day, however, the -> anti-anxiety drug the subjects were told they were receiving was -> actually a placebo. The second day's before-and-after MRI scans -> showed that the placebo was still effective in reducing the -> subjects' distress when viewing the pictures. Drugs, on the other hand, scare me. So the placebo would probably have a backwards effect on me especially once the doctor said, "Here, take this SECRET NEW MAGICAL PILL we're going to TEST on YOU! We won't tell you what's in it, but if you survive, we'll give you five dollars! Now sign this waiver!" -> Clearly the persuasive power of the mind matters, whether -> in response to physical or emotional discomfort. I am thinking really hard about Andy Rooney breaking his jaw on a pecan, but it's not working. Clearly the persuasive power of the mind is a sham, like Breatharianism and that trailer for "Star Wars: Episode III" that showed Anakin walking down a corridor when that shot isn't even in the movie, a total non-corridor-tastic rip-off. -- K. Psychological experimentation was a lot more fun in Charles Moulton Marston's day, when it involved watching women who were watching women tying up women who were watching women tying up women who were tying up women who were watching "Wonder Woman" reruns. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Psychologists only want you to THINK that placebos work! Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2005 19:56:56 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> They were told they would initially be given an anti-anxiety > > -> drug to reduce distress caused by the pictures might cause, > > -> and then be given an antidote that would block the soothing > > -> effects of the first drug and restore the full impact of > > -> the photos. > > > > Sheesh, pictures don't scare me. > > Not even pictures of Wil Wheaton? You are cold, man. > What about Demi Moore? Okay, so I'm pretending Wil Wheaton is the guest villain on "24", and he's torturing the hero, so Wil says "SUCK MY FAT ONE!" to Kiefer Sutherland, and nope, still not scared. Mainly just thinking that Wil Wheaton would make a great bad guy for "24" given the intensity of the pure, out-of-control hostility he displayed during the ten seconds they allowed him on "CSI". Still trying to imagine a circumstance in which a picture of Wil Wheaton could be scary. Um... okay, during his two seconds as the evil jock in "Flubber", he builds a flubber-powered time machine and drags Robin Williams back to the 1970s and gets him off drugs so that every episode of "Mork And Mindy" consists of Mork sitting around being calm, so the show gets cancelled by all three TV networks, even the two that it wasn't on, and it's replaced by the premiere of "Love, Sidney" five years early, allowing "Love, Sidney" to run for an extra five years... AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHH!!! TV Land or Nick At Nite or one of their four other identical rerun channels recently showed an episode of "Love, Sidney" late at night as some sort of anniversary celebration of crap. I tuned in just to see if the show was as gawedawful as I remembered it, and yes, it was. I was amazed by how the strained, forced smiles on all the cast members failed to conceal that they considered themselves to be in intestinal agony. The most puzzling moment was during the closing credits, which included this one spanning the width of the screen: Director Of Photography e T H O M A S D. S C H A M P The "e" was smaller and in a different font than either of the two d other lines. I did an IMDB.com check to see if this was a case of "PLAN AHEA", but the guy's name doesn't end in a silent "e", so I assume that the tiny, superscript, wrong-font "e" is some sort of secret signal. I know that cinematographers sometimes get their professional accreditation listed ("A.S.C." or "B.S.C.") but "e"? Was ist das kleine Futura Halbfett "e"? And why did he let them put his name on that show at all? Today, "Love, Sidney" is remembered only for being the first show promoted with an advertising campaign of "PLEASE WATCH THIS BECAUSE WE PROMISE HE'S NOT GAY!!!" I don't think that matters because no human being could possibly leave the set turned on through the entire theme song (sung by Tony Randall and Swoosie Kurtz.) That's like asking people to sit through the entire "Star Trek: Enterprise" theme song to verify that it contained no Wil Wheaton. "Enterprise" proved that a horrible theme song can kill even a good show, while "Love, Sidney" proved that "Love, Sidney" was just plain bad in every possible way, from the opening theme song to the closing typography. As far as Demi Moore goes, are you talking about naked pregnant Demi Moore on that magazine cover, or naked painted-on-clothes Demi Moore on that other magazine cover? Neither of them managed to scare me or even motivate me to subscribe to those magazines just so I could cancel my subscription. > > Drugs, on the other hand, scare me. So the placebo would probably > > have a backwards effect on me especially once the doctor said, > > "Here, take this SECRET NEW MAGICAL PILL we're going to TEST on YOU! > > We won't tell you what's in it, but if you survive, we'll give you > > five dollars! Now sign this waiver!" > > What if they offered candy? Doctors only give out candy that tastes bad. Especially dentists. > [...] > > If you really want to test anti-anxiety-ness find some people with panic > disorder and panic them. Even the shrinks have a much better way to > induce anxiety - they just slip a little lactic acid into your vein and > presto - panic! But the stuff that gives Dr Pepper that special bad flavor is lactic acid. Does this mean that Dr Pepper is one of those sadistic psychiatrists who enjoys giving people panic attacks? Wasn't he voiced by Roddy McDowall in one of the twenty-eight animated "Batman" series? > None of this namby pamby show photos to normal people. Use a movie > theater with surround sound, fill it full of vets and show the first > 30 minutes of Saving Private Ryan, then tell me how well placebo works. I already told you about the plane flight I was on where the movie was "G.I. Jane" with all the gunfire removed from the soundtrack. The last 30 minutes was some bald actress shaking a machine gun up and down silently. I spent the whole flight suppressing the urge to yell "POW! POW! POW! RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT! SHABOOOOM!" to try to add some entertainment to that movie. Who was the chick who was in that movie? She was pretty forgettable. > I am contempt. Wait... you're Demi Moore, aren't you? But I'm not Wil Wheaton. Tell you what, you be Mary Tyler Moore and I'll be Buddy Holly. Then we can sing that annoying song. I understand the reason Buddy Holly crashed his plane into that mountain was that the in-flight movie was a version of "G.I. Jane" starring Mary Tyler Moore. With Rhoda as the drill instructor! -- K. Dr Pepper would play Doctor Joyce Brothers while Roddy McDowall plays chess. (DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY: 9.0) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.magick,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the usenet gods Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2005 20:12:18 -0400 In alt.magick, Tom (dantoXSPAM@earthlink.net) wrote: > > "whyzard" (whyzard@mail.com) wrote: > > > > You guys all know who these people are. I was eatheriallistically > > travelling when i saw that the aether was filled these guys. The > > internet has created their first gods. > > Long ago, actually. > > Just as in other mythologies, Usenet has promoted some human beings to god > status. The people who first created Usenet and populated it are creator > gods in the Usenet pantheon. Like many creator gods, these tend to vanish > into mysterious nothingness after a while. They are still mentioned, but > most of the human names are unknown except to the old-timers and the elite > of the priesthood. Preserver gods then appear. Google is the current > incarnation, having devoured its former incarnation, Deja. > > Then there are the tricksters. There are lots of trickster gods in Usenet > mythology. It's one of the most popular categories. Perhaps the foremost > of them is Kibo. There's no such thing as a "foremost" anything on the Internet. On the Internet, nobody knows that everyone's a bozo. As far as the creation mythology of Usenet goes, the newsgroups were created when a scientist accidentally dropped a slice of moldy bread into a vat of wax at a candle factory, and hundreds of nuns were cured of yeast infections. Wait, that's not right. Actually, what happened was the scientist kept a slice of wet bread hermetically sealed in a glass jar for 5000 years to see if he could spontaneously evolve a higher form of life made out of mold, but unfortunately he used Wonder Bread so now, 5001 years later, the bread is just as good as it was when it was purchased for a penny, which is what bread cost back then, back when pennies were worth more because they were made of solid gold. I remember when pennies were the size of manhole covers are were available with pictures of either of the two Presidents so far, George Washington and Ben Franklin. Ben Franklin wrote the Constitution just so he could create a country where he could walk around naked giving electrical shocks to hot chicks. But then one day he accidentally gave an electric shock to some moldy bread he wasn't even trying to kiss, and the moldy bread turned into this really hot gal with gams from here to ya-ya, and she destroyed the country's entire economy by stealing all four pennies from the Federal treasury, which is why they ended the "take a penny, leave a penny" policy and also erased all evidence that Ben Franklin had ever been President or was a pervert. So Ben Franklin was sad and invented Usenet to have another place where he could walk around naked. I swear on a stack of whole wheat bread that that's the truth, and some stuff that's even better than the truth. -- K. It must be true, I dreamed that I read it in a book. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Super glue in the news yet again Date: Fri, 17 Jun 2005 22:41:08 -0400 Hey look! I actually found a news article about Krazy Glue which isn't about someone pretending he "accidentally" got it on his face! [www.wfmy2.com] -> -> Suicide By Super Glue -> -> Bangkok, Thailand -- A young Thai man with a history of moodiness -> has killed himself by gluing his mouth and nose shut with super glue. -> -> Bangkok police say the young man's body was found Thursday -> morning in his bedroom, apparently after suffocating overnight. -> They say a small amount of cash and a note saying "Here is all -> that I have, take what you please" were also found on the bed. -> -> The man's family told police he had argued with his sister -> Wednesday, over some money she borrowed and did not repay. He then -> went into his bedroom, where his body was found ten hours later. This has to be one of the strangest (and probably most unpleasant) forms of suicide I've ever heard of. (I can think of 9,356 less disturbing ways to die, including one with an octopus.) Usually people who want to kill themselves through Extreme Autoerotic Asphyxiation just use a noose. Or a plastic bag. I dunno, maybe this guy was a huge fan of the movie "How To Get Ahead In Advertising". After all, someone had to be. I will assume this will lead to his sister not paying him back the money she owes him. Also if she's smart she'll file a massive lawsuit against the glue company for not printing "WARNING: DO NOT INTENTIONALLY PERMANENTLY SEAL UP YOUR NOSE AND MOUTH WITH THIS" on the tube right below where it says "THIS IS NOT EYE DROPS" and "THIS IS NOT HEMORRHOID CREAM" and "THIS IS NOT FOR THE HOLES OF YOUR BOWLING BALL" and "THIS IS NOT A DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE" and "THIS IS NOT FOR ATTACHING A CAPE WHICH WILL MAKE YOU FLY" and "THIS IS NOT YOUR WIFE, DO NOT MARRY THIS TUBE OF GLUE". How come there are never any news stories about people using glue for normal purposes? Why aren't the reporters of the world letting us know about every broken vase? Why do we even teach kindergarten students to glue sparkles onto paper plates if we're not going to have the media cover it? WHY IS THERE A HUGE COVER-UP TO CONCEAL THE FACT THAT NORMAL PEOPLE SOMETIMES USE GLUE FOR INNOCENT PURPOSES? Also, since the glue companies of the world put mustard oil in their plastic-model glue to keep kids from sniffing it, why don't they modify the formula of super glue to keep wacky Thai people from suffocating themselves with it? All they'd need to do would be to add some additives that would keep it from sticking to anything! -- K. (Elmer's already does that.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Super glue in the news yet again Date: Sun, 19 Jun 2005 02:51:03 -0400 Pope Emperor FrogMaN (uncle_toade@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] WHY IS THERE A HUGE COVER-UP TO CONCEAL THE FACT THAT > > NORMAL PEOPLE SOMETIMES USE GLUE FOR INNOCENT PURPOSES? > > If it's any consolation, Mr. Kibo, sir, I used Krazy Glue to fix a > beautiful antique porcelain teapot that I purchased in Xian, China, that > I accidentally dropped one day in an elevator Hong Kong, while surrounded > by a J-Pop girl group who was staying in my hotel (on the same floor, > no less), who was in HK for a concert. Why have you become Edgar Derby, and how did you survive getting shot in Dresden? > FILM AT 11. Will it be directed by Sabu (like "Hard Luck Hero", star vehicle for J-pop band "V6") or by Takashi Miike (like "Andromedia", star vehicle for J-pop bands "Speed" and "Da Pump")? We Americans should consider ourselves lucky that only studios in Japan throw money at good directors like Miike and Sabu to crank out movies starring J-pop groups. Because I don't think any of us wants to see Quentin Tarantino making a drama starring The Backstreet Boys, even if they all die at the end. In the English-speaking world, you know directors are losers the moment they agree to direct a film starring any fake pop band ("Spice World", "Can't Stop The Music", "The Country Bears", anything with Madonna... and by the way, "Baby Geniuses 2" features a videophone conference call between a superbaby and O-Town, who compose a ten-second-long crappy song about talking babies.) Of course, some of the Beatles' movies were watchable ("A Hard Day's Night", "Help!", "Yellow Submarine") and even the Monkees' "Head" was somewhat entertaining (certainly the best snuff film the Monkees ever made.) But that's because the Beatles were way too special to be a pop band, and they were so special that even the silly-ass fake Monkees get accorded some of the same leeway as long as their movie opened with them killing themselves for being sick of people liking them on the wrong level. Other than the Beatles and the Monkees, no pop-music group has ever made an English-language movie that's even remotely acceptable. (I haven't seen "Andromedia" or "Hard Luck Hero" yet, but knowing the way Miike and Sabu work, I'm sure they'll put in enough exploding heads to make those worthwhile.) Anyway, tell me more about your J-pop encounter. And if you get to meet Sabu, can you ask him where I can get one of those white three- hole ski masks with red trim from "Unlucky Monkey", unless he's dressed as Kaneko from "Ichi The Killer", in which case just tell him that of all the Yakuza in that film, he was at least the seventh coolest one, and maybe if he ever finds his gun then he can wear the dog ears. Oh, and if your J-pop gal pals are Pink Lady, ask them which of the two of them most hated having to pretend to enjoy being in a hot tub with Jeff Altman every week. Kei sure looked like she'd rather die, but maybe Mie was just better at pretending she wasn't horrified. -- K. Sabu's "Drive" is the best movie ever made about a bank robber getting his arm stuck in a gopher hole until zombies get him. Did Mie and Kei ever get stuck in anything that weird, not counting Sid & Marty Krofft's TV studio? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New slogan for the (T). Date: Sat, 18 Jun 2005 03:41:20 -0400 I just saw a poster on the (T) with the new slogan for Boston's subway system: "We're pulling out all the stops." I'm not kidding, that's their slogan. I knew they always wanted to dig up and throw away most of the stops on the Green Line's E branch, but if they pull out _all_ the stops, won't it be inconvenient for people to have to go to some rusty old warehouse when they want to look at the Caffeinated Budweiser posters on a subway train? Or will they just reconfigure the system to be one big loop with no stops, and make the trains continuously trundle around forever at two miles an hour like Tomorrowland's People Mover? But I'd be happy if they'd just put new neon gas into those icicles over the tracks at Alewife station. Those icicles were getting pretty dim last I saw. Also they're up too high -- it's impossible to lick 'em. -- K. If they pull out all the stops, once Porter is gone, where will gloves go to die? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: Re: Writing clinics. Cambridge Public Libraries. Date: Sun, 19 Jun 2005 03:02:59 -0400 In ne.general, alt.religion.kibology, and soc.libraries.talk, dsaklad@zurich.csail.mit.edu wrote: > > Suggestion. > Please setup > . walk in writing clinics, > . by appointment writing clinics and > . web based writing clinics > at Cambridge Public Libraries. > > > People would at any stage of the writing process > . bring in what they have or > . indicate they are at the preparation stage > asking for hints, tips and pointers. Why ? Do You ? Know ? Someone ? Who Needs ? Help ? With Their ? Awkward ? Writ ? ing Style...? -- K. What's wrong with all the dozens of free writing clinics at the Boston Public Library? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hot nungag action! Date: Sun, 19 Jun 2005 19:29:38 -0400 [news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> Crucified nun dies in 'exorcism' -> -> A Romanian nun has died after being bound to a cross, gagged and -> left alone for three days in a cold room in a convent, Romanian -> police have said. Three days? That's too long! You can't fit all of that on one porno tape! -> Members of the convent in north-west Romania claim Maricica Irina -> Cornici was possessed and that the crucifixion had been part of -> an exorcism ritual. Hey, you forgot the "s" before the "e" that's before the "xorcism". -> Cornici was found dead on the cross on Wednesday after fellow -> nuns called an ambulance, according to police. -> -> A priest and four nuns were charged with imprisonment leading to -> death. ...and six months later, Polish Superman got pregnant! Wait, that's a different joke. -> Orphan -> -> Police say the 23-year-old nun, who was denied food and drink -> throughout her ordeal, had been tied and chained to the cross and -> a towel pushed into her mouth to smother any sounds. I can understand why a convent might have towels lying around (in case the nuns ever take off their habits to bathe) and would have rope galore (for making belts and macrame spider plant hangers) but why would they have chains on hand? Did the nuns have these chains for some innocent purpose, such as practicing chain-fighting in their secret female-empowering Shaolin dojo, or were they up to something weeeeeeird? -> [...] -> -> "They all said she was possessed and they were trying to cast out -> the evil spirits," police spokeswoman Michaela Straub said. -> -> Father Daniel who is accused of orchestrating the crime is said -> to be unrepentant. -> -> "God has performed a miracle for her, finally Irina is delivered -> from evil," AFP quoted the priest as saying. Then AFP asked the priest what he was going to do next and he said, "I'm going to Dracula Land!" and then AFP provided continuous coverage of Dracula Land and nothing but Dracula Land for the next ten years despite Dracula Land not existing. -> "I don't understand why journalists are making such a fuss about -> this. Kinky nun bondage, DUH!!! -> Exorcism is a common practise in the heart of the Romanian -> Orthodox church and my methods are not at all unknown to other -> priests," Father Daniel added. I forget, which page of the Bible has that diagram showing how to cram a towel down someone's throat? -> If found guilty of killing Cornici, Father Daniel and the accused -> nuns could face 20 years in jail. Jail, convent, jail, convent, there's not really any difference. Except that in jail they don't usually torture you to death for being possessed by the Devil, they just give you an extra tattoo. -- K. How come the AFP doesn't publish more articles about Polish Superman's pregnancy? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A box of rain Date: Sun, 19 Jun 2005 19:59:16 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@Gmail.com) wrote: > > > > "Do not burden yourself with > > the secrets of scary people." > > ---Carmine Falcone > > Then how am I supposed to make a living? And that's why I wouldn't marry you. -- K. You want my secrets, youse gotta pay for 'em. One million dollars per syllable. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A box of rain Date: Sun, 19 Jun 2005 23:01:35 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@Gmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > "Do not burden yourself with > > > > the secrets of scary people." > > > > ---Carmine Falcone > > > > > > Then how am I supposed to make a living? > > > > And that's why I wouldn't marry you. > > You mean, other than the whole gay thing? Sheesh, read a newspaper once in a while, won't you? I live in Massachusetts, where, since a bit over a year ago, people _have_ to be gay if they want to get married. -- K. In any case, you're not getting any secrets, even the one about my secret roast beef and blowtorched potato recipe. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Band I went and saw last night Date: Sun, 19 Jun 2005 20:07:42 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I had hot chips and a 'marble crunch' choc-top ice cream cone on > the way down there. HELLO ARCHIE! > When I got there I was talking to someone from the band and some > people at a table said I could sit with them and they bought me a > couple of drinks and gave me a lift to near where I live in their > van that had brown and purple zebra stripes on it - teh enb. So tell us what happened after they got you drunk and threw you into the back of their van and tossed you out at an undisclosed location "near" your home. How long did it take those roofies to wear off? -- K. Also, I distinctly told them I wanted green and magenta zebra stripes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Band I went and saw last night Date: Wed, 22 Jun 2005 00:04:41 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I once said everyone who posts here sooner or later finds their inner avatar. Yeah, well, I am my own avatar. Which also makes me my avatar's avatar, and my avatar's avatar's avatar, and so on, which makes me an infinite number of avatars, so that means there can't be any other avatars, which means I have all the avatars there are and if anyone else wants one they'll have to pay me. Also, at the supermarket, they now have "Invisible Kool-Aid". It's a powder which, when mixed with water and sugar, makes uncolored sugar water. Wow! Must've taken years of research. It claims to be "watermelon-kiwi" flavor, though really they should just shorten that to "wiwi". I mention this just because I am Kool-Aid Man's evil avatar. FEAR ME! -- K. King Of Terror, Avatar Of Beverages, Destructor Of Theorems, Magnet For Bees. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Do not vacuum gasoline! Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2005 06:00:19 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > [www.hometownannapolis.com] > -> > -> An 82-year old Glen Burnie man was transported to the > -> Bayview Burn Center in Baltimore this morning after trying > -> to siphon gas from his car with a vacuum cleaner while the > -> engine was running. > -> > -> [...] the man had locked his keys inside the vehicle last > -> night while it was still running. Unable to get them out, > -> the man left the car running in his driveway at 212 Benmere > -> Road and went to bed only to find the vehicle still idling > -> when he awoke this morning. Determined to stop the car, the > -> man pulled out an electric vacuum cleaner around 7:30 a.m. Hmm. That's only stupid eight different ways at once, so it still doesn't beat the record set by that one episode of NBC's "seaQuest DSV". You know the one I mean. I imagine he ran down a mental list of options -- I have attempted to reconstruct his inner monologue in the format of an argument he lost with his brain: I AM LOCKED OUT OF MY CAR WHILE IT'S IDLING. WHAT DO I DO NOW? (a) Smash a window so I can get in and turn it off. NAAH, THAT'S MESSY. (b) Call a locksmith so I can get in and turn it off. NAAH, LOCKSMITHS CAN BE PRETTY MESSY TOO. (c) Let it run overnight in the hope that the gas will run out, which will automatically unlock all the doors, and if it doesn't, in the morning I'll get impatient and try to pump all ten gallons of gasoline into that one-quart fuzzy paper bag inside my vacuum cleaner. THAT DOESN'T SOUND MESSY, STUPID, DANGEROUS, ILLOGICAL, OR EXPENSIVE IN ANY WAY! I *M*U*S*T* DO THAT! (d) Stop the car by stuffing a potato up the tailpipe. NAAH, THAT'S SILLY, I ALREADY DECIDED ON (c), AND BESIDES, ON "MYTHBUSTERS" THEY CONCLUSIVELY PROVED THAT PUTTING A POTATO IN A TAILPIPE JUST MAKES THE POTATO GO FLYING OUT, IT WAS A FEW EPISODES AFTER THE ONE WHERE THEY DEMONSTRATED HOW FILLING A VACUUM CLEANER WITH GASOLINE VAPOR WON'T TURN IT INTO A HIGHLY STABLE PERSONAL HOVERCRAFT. THAT PROVES IT, I BETTER DO (c). HEY OUCH. I HOPE THE PARAMEDICS GET HERE SOON AND I HOPE THEY HELP ME LOOK THROUGH ALL THESE BUSHES UNTIL WE FIND MY FACE!!! -- K. For his next trick, he'll attempt to turn his TV set off by punching the center of the screen, while clenching a glass unicorn statuette in his fist. If that doesn't work, he'll try the "I better warm up this mercury-filled glass thermometer by shoving it down my urethra then smashing his penis with a sledgehammer" stunt, especially if it gets him his own show on MTV. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Do not vacuum gasoline! Date: Wed, 22 Jun 2005 21:12:33 -0400 Remember how, when the idiot tried to vacuum gasoline out of his running car and it exploded, I suggested he should have first tried jamming a potato in his tailpipe, or at least in his car's? Well, here's a followup story. And guess what, he tried the potato trick, because he apparently hadn't seen that episode of "MythBusters". [www.hometownannapolis.com] -> -> Man who tried to siphon gas knows it was 'dumb' -> -> By Scott Daugherty, Staff Writer -> -> An 82-year-old man was "determined" and "bullheaded" last week -> when he tried to use a household vacuum cleaner to siphon gas -> from his car while the engine was still running, family members -> said. But he wasn't senile. -> -> "He doesn't normally do foolish things," said Joy Backert, the -> man's daughter-in-law. "He definitely wasn't thinking when he did -> this. He definitely wasn't clear." Senile, drunk, stupid, they're all just different ways of getting to the same place where your car explodes. -> John William Backert, a retired boiler maker with Baltimore Gas -> and Electric, And lo! Here comes a parade of NO COMMENT carrying the NO COMMENT that signified NO COMMENT! (Sorry, the Dancing Bears Of Blitheringly Obvious Stupidity have also retired. They were getting exhausted from dancing all over the Internet thanks to Google News bringing us so much news of people committing acts of stupid newspaper filler.) -> suffered burns to 20 percent of his body, primarily on the left -> side of his abdomen, chest, hands and face. He was released -> yesterday from the Bayview Burn Center in Baltimore. -> -> [...] -> -> Thursday morning, though, Mr. Backert put a lot of thought into -> how to stall his 1987 Dodge Diplomat. Mrs. Backert, who was on -> Kent Island that morning taking care of her mother, explained -> that her father-in-law had accidentally locked his keys in his -> car Wednesday night with the engine running. Well, at least he didn't lock himself inside the car with them. -> No one noticed until the next morning when his auto mechanic son, -> John Jr., woke up his father at 4 a.m. and told him to find his -> spare key and turn it off. -> -> "He never even knew it was running," she said, explaining that -> the elder Mr. Backert is hard of hearing. Vibration? Daytime running lights? A smell of exhaust? I would think "being able to use at least _one_ of your senses to tell whether your car is running" would be a requirement to get a driver's license. -> Assuming his dad would find a key, the younger Mr. Backert headed -> off to work. But three hours later, the elder Mr. Backert still -> hadn't found a key and was afraid the car would overheat if it -> wasn't shut off soon. I'm guessing there's a certain psychology at work here of "I don't want to lose face by asking my SON the AUTO MECHANIC for help with my car, I've got to solve this myself to prove I'm NOT SENILE!!!" -> He showed his "safety-conscious" grandson off to school because -> he didn't want to alarm the boy with his next course of action, -> Mrs. Backert said. Her father-in-law proceeded to shove a potato -> into the tail pipe -- only to have it pop out. Next, he tried to -> siphon the gas out with a hose, but couldn't get it to flow. -> Next, refusing to give up, Mr. Backert pulled out the family's -> Eureka floor vacuum. -> -> "Breaking into the car was not one of the things he thought of," -> Mrs. Backert said. -> -> "He's definitely a man of reason," added Tim Backert, one of the -> man's sons. Lesson we should learn: If all your friends and relatives suddenly start telling newspaper reporters how you're definitely not stupid, it means you've just done something really, really, really stupid. -> When the vacuum caught fire, Mr. Backert threw it aside -- saving -> the car -- and stopped, dropped and rolled. -> -> "That's not a senile man," his daughter-in-law said. He doesn't enjoy being burned -- that proves he's not senile! Everyone knows that senile people like having their body engulfed in flames! -> Though Mr. Backert is out of the hospital and the Diplomat is -> still running, GEEZ, BREAK A WINDOW AND TURN IT OFF ALREADY!!! -> he won't be taking it out for a spin anytime soon. Mrs. Backert -> said he has a third-degree burn on his stomach that's not healing -> properly and that he needs insulin shots for his diabetes. -> -> "He's going to want to go right outside," she said, explaining -> that he's always gardening and mowing the lawn. "He can do the -> work of two 20-year-olds." And neither one of them ever does anything stupid! Well, okay, one does. But they're not _both_ stupid! -- K. And people wonder why I don't own a car. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I still miss pinball. Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2005 06:32:57 -0400 You know, instead of just reminiscing about how great pinball machines were, we should go the extra step and fantasize about what pinball machines there should have been but weren't. So, today's essay topic: Name a movie that should've had a pinball machine based on it but didn't, then explain the table rules in excruciating detail. I'll go first: "The Jerk" (1979). It would have a magnet located directly between a picture of Carl Reiner's eyes so you could lock the ball with Opti-Grab power. And of course instead of scoring a jackpot, you'd hear Steve Martin yelling "Jerkpot!" and then "Super Jerkpot!" but then instead of being rewarded with multi-ball play, the ball would just be replaced by a bigger ball. I would say something about a "Super Typical Milkface!" mode where you'd have to shoot several targets shaped like cans, but that's too obvious to mention. An "Audition" (1999) pinball machine would get taken out of the arcade really quickly because the arcade owners would get sick of the place filling up with stray cats, because whenever I put a quarter in the machine it would shout "KITTY!KITTY!KITTY!KITTY!KITTY!KITTY!" continuously for at least half an hour. (I take my time when I play pinball.) The other reason arcade owners would hate it is that every time you pushed the flipper buttons hard enough, it would squirt blood all over. Damn, how could they not have made a "Pulp Fiction" machine? Just think of all the modes! "Dance Contest Activated!" "Begin Boxing Match!" "Shoot the Pop-Tarts!" "Bring out the Gimp!" "It's... an Overdose!" "Hurry Up And Wash The Car!" "KETCHUP!" Completing all modes would light up the inside of the briefcase. The score would be displayed in both regular and Metric. Bonus points if you can get the ball into Christopher Walken. Similarly, it's nearly impossible to believe there was never a "Rollerball" (1975) pinball machine. It's easy to believe there wasn't a "Rollerball" (2002) pinball machine, as the remake didn't have enough plot to be a pinball machine. (There was a 1988 Super Nintendo cartridge called "Rollerball" which was some sort of pinball game unrelated to the movie, but it doesn't count because it had no moving parts so you couldn't body-slam it.) I'll award one free game to whoever draws me the table layout for a "THX-1138" (1971) pinball machine. Be sure to include lots of Nixie lamps. I like Nixie lamps. All movies should be made into pinball machines, and all movies should feature close-ups of Nixie lamps. So, get to work thinking of what opportunities the pinball cartels missed to adapt movies into the more sophisticated format of pinball. Here are some ideas to get you started: "Vegas In Space", the Orson Welles version of "The Trial", "The Road To Wellville", "HŠxan", and of course the 1979 Brooke Shields star vehicle "Tilt". -- K. "Tommy" got one and a half pinball machines (if you count "Captain Fantastic" as a sorta) and yet "Tommy Boy" got none. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I still miss pinball. Date: Tue, 21 Jun 2005 19:42:20 -0400 Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.HAWHAWSPAMTRAP.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You know, instead of just reminiscing about how great pinball > > machines were, we should go the extra step and fantasize about what > > pinball machines there should have been but weren't. > > In downtown St John's there is a little dive called "Tommy's Place" which > boasts on the advertising hoarding that it has "over 150 different boards". > There are also 8 machines in there made by the owner himself, from the looks > of it cobbled together from cheap toy lights, lots of springs, and some > beautifully hand-painted boards. You really should come and see it. Wow. Send the limo to pick me up AT ONCE! In Boston, pinball is pretty much extinct. There's still one bowling alley up north that has a "Twilight Zone" machine, an "Addams Family" machine, and a "Star Trek: The Next Generation" machine (as well as three uninteresting machines) and that's the best selection around -- other arcades, bowling alleys, or bars never have more than one or two machines, generally completely broken, lame machines like "World Cup Soccer 1884" or "A Current Affair With Maury Povich". One of the things I like about Canada is that people up there still try to have fun once in a while. In the USA, people just sit around watching TV. -- K. And farting. What do Canadians do instead of farting? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I still miss pinball. Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2005 20:13:41 -0400 Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Similarly, it's nearly impossible to believe there was never a > > "Rollerball" (1975) pinball machine. > > There WAS, however, a "Rollergames" (1990) pinball machine, based on > the syndicated roller derby series of the same name. Yeah, I know, I used to play it at the Teddy Bear Arcade, which wasn't a very good arcade but at least it was next to Good 'N' Bad. (Neither lasted long -- wrong neighborhood for either a video arcade or S&M-toy shop, and putting them next to each other just made that more obvious.) It was an okay pinball machine. Of course there were earlier ones with roller-derby trappings, but "Rollergames" was from that strange period of the late '80s to very early '90s when "American Gladiators" had become a surprise hit on TV and let to that lame attempt to put roller derby chicks back on TV. Teddy Bear Arcade had it between "Earthshaker" and "Whirlwind" until they all broke and got replaced with a "Demolition Man" machine -- the model without the pistol-grip flippers. Oh, the humanity! > The theme music to both the show and the pinball game went like this: > > ROCK 'N' ROLL 'N' ROCK 'N' ROLLERGAMES > ROCK 'N' ROLL 'N' ROCK 'N' ROLLERGAMES > ROCK 'N' ROLL 'N' ROCK 'N' ROLLERGAMES > ROCK 'N' ROLL 'N' ROCK 'N' ROLLERGAMES! > ROCK 'N' ROLL 'N' ROCK 'N' ROLLERGAMES > ROCK 'N' ROLL 'N' ROCK 'N' ROLLERGAMES > ROCK 'N' ROLL 'N' ROCK 'N' ROLLERGAMES > ROCK 'N' ROLL 'N' ROCK 'N' ROLLERGAMES! So did you laugh heartily when you saw that the major change between the original "Rollerball" movie (1975) and the craptacular remake (2002) was that they changed the track from a regular roller-derby track to the figure-8 track like the one in "Rollergames"? I can just see them brainstorming slogans now: "The double-loop track makes it better 'cause it's ACTION TIMES INFINITY!" I always thought that what "Rollergames" really needed was a spring- loaded launcher firing giant Hot Wheels cars at them. ("At over 300 scale miles an hour!") -- K. But I still say that the best insanely repetitive TV theme song from that era was "TV Monopoly". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6th grade science teachers Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2005 23:38:59 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > [on helping her kid complain about a wacky teacher giving him a lowly B > due to his alleged "lesser commitment to making science meaning"] > > Yeh, he must learn how to survive in a world of retards until he gets > out of the lower grades. Wait, I'm not in the lower grades, so why is alt.religion.kibology surrounding me with doofuses, dorks, dweebs, dimmies, dinks, drips, dinguses, daffies, dreamstainers, and dreary dullards? > [...] I also want him to learn the fine art of sucking up and > this is probably a good teaching tool for him. > > I also dont want the science teachers around here to think they know > as much as they think about what they are doing. You should let him post to sci.physics. That would take care of those two items on your Secret Heterosexual Homeschool Agenda. A week spent interacting with sci.physics will give him a lifetime's worth of experience dealing with the less-evolved. Of course, it might give him a superiority complex from being surrounded by nitwits, ninnies, nimnuls, no-brainers, nimcompoops, ninkers, nerts, and numerous noisome nuts. -- K. This education lesson was brought to you by the letters "D" and "N", and by my IQ and bowling score, which add to 600. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6th grade science teachers Date: Wed, 22 Jun 2005 22:47:03 -0400 Dave Brown (dagbrown@LART.ca) wrote: > > The schmart kids' program in my high school was run by a guy who > had Actual Genuine Clue, and so there were a number of ways of > getting in. > > The first way was to have a super-duper high IQ, as demonstrated > by some trustworthy IQ test (stop laughing in back), thereby > qualifying you to be in the schmart kids' program. > > The second way was to have super-dooper ace grades all the way > through school, demonstrating that you were an official schmart > kid, qualifying you for the program. > > The third way to get in wasn't so involved: you asked to be in the > schmart kids' program, they let you in. > > You would be *astounded* at the absurd number of kids to whom this > had never occurred. The amount of bitterness at the kids who > learned that I'd gotten in not by taking complicated IQ tests or > by having ace grades, but simply by saying "is it okay if I join > the schmart kids?" was endlessly amusing. Never mind that. What we need to see right now is an ASCII Venn diagram showing how these three methods overlap with the four methods for getting to sit at the Cool Table in high school and the eight hundred methods for getting to sit at the Cool Table in alt.religion.kibology. I must be represented by a little USS Enterprise made out of dashes and parentheses. Also, what would have happened if you had told this guy, "I'm too smart to join the smart kids' class, can I start my own even smarter class? And can I make the rules about who gets to join?" -- K. So when's the next Club 91 reunion? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6th grade science teachers Date: Wed, 22 Jun 2005 03:12:31 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Tonight my fourth grader is in tears. Every hour she breaks out > sobbing all over again. Her teacher decided to have all the kids make > posters about what they had learned in math this year. They were to > be judged on how much math was on the poster as well as creativity, > but mostly the math since that was supposed to be the point. Then she > let the kids vote on who won the competition. That's kind of bad when > of course kids that age vote more for their friends and the cool skull > and crossbones poster than whether it has much to do with having > learned any math. But then she has the brilliant idea of telling > every kid how many votes they got on their poster instead of just > announcing the winners and getting it over with. My daughter got zero > votes because she thought it was selfish and dishonest to vote hers as > the best when she really thought another one was best. This was > announced to the whole class. Then the winner was given 50 points and > everyone else was given zero points anyway, so there really was > absolutely no point in saying just how few votes any particular poster > got. Was this a lesson in math or humiliation? The winner was the > skull and crossbones with flames and only one math problem in the > middle, because almost all the boys in the class voted for it. Didn't you hear? Ordinary old math is out. It was replaced by "new math" around 1965 (because of "Star Trek") and now it's been replaced by "pirate math". So a pirate flag with "TWO PLUS TWO EQUALS SOME NUMBER" is now mathier than a poster showing the entire Periodic Table matrix-multiplied by tomorrow's Sudoku. And a FLAMIN' pirate flag is the international symbol of Math Pride. From now on, instead of just displaying "E" when you make them think too hard, pocket calculators will pop up a little tissue-paper pirate flag which will burst into flames (refills sold separately, not for internal use.) Anyway, basically, this is probably a good way for you to segue into explaining to her that peer pressure makes people do stupid things that cause hurt feelings, and she should never do anything her friends do if she doesn't want to turn into a boy. It's time like this that I really wish MTV's series "Daria" had been released on DVD. There's a nice episode where the teacher forces all the kids to make posters, requiring them to submit them to some sort of student art exhibition, but modifies Daria's poster and refuses to let Daria withdraw it from display so then Daria gets in trouble for vandalizing her _own_ poster to undo the censorship. (The moral was to have a mother who is an attorney.) "Daria" taught a lot of other inspirational lessons (I particularly liked the episode where she and Jane babysat the two really good kids and taught them how all the bedtime stories would _really_ end.) Since your daughter's probably a couple years too young for the "Freaks & Geeks" episode where the heroine is required to participate in the Math Olympics against her will, I can't think of any other age-appropriate DVDs that will explain that math teachers are evil and suck all the joy out of math. "The Simpsons" has the proper attitude but it's diffusely scattered through over 300 episodes and I don't think you want to wait twenty years for them to finish bringing out a season's worth every year and a half, by which time DVD players will have been replaced by direct-connect DNA twist-ties anyway. Have you considered putting her poster on the Web so we can say nice things about it? That's assuming you got it back -- it's possible the mean teacher flipped it over, drew a skull on the back of it, and burned it. Another good therapy idea would be to encourage her to draw a picture of SpongeBob tying the teacher to a flagpole and setting her on fire (because remember, in the SpongeBob world, you can set anything on fire underwater.) But then you have to get her to promise never to show or mention the picture to anyone because this is the sort of healthy expression of frustration with those f'ing a-dultholes that would make those f'ing a-dultholes go positively bugfuck. Maybe now would be a good time to teach her the word "bugfuck". (If she draws that picture, I want to see it too. But knowing her, I wouldn't be surprised if she just said "I won't draw a picture like that, that's mean! I'm just going to have SpongeBob be nice to Ms. E. Vilteacher by giving her a plane ticket to Afghanistan!" -- K. Maybe Lots42 would be cool if he set his pirate hat on fire while wearing it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6th grade science teachers Date: Wed, 22 Jun 2005 23:53:35 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Another good therapy idea would be to encourage her to draw a picture > > of SpongeBob tying the teacher to a flagpole and setting her on fire > > (because remember, in the SpongeBob world, you can set anything on > > fire underwater.) > > Unless you remember you are underwater, in which case the fire goes out. Excellent point. I had forgotten that law of physics. I bow before your superior recollection of "SpongeBob" episodes. > > Maybe Lots42 would be cool if he set his pirate hat on fire > > while wearing it. > > DOODER, I NO LONGER HAVE THE PIRATE HAT IT WAS TAKEN AS BOOTY Maybe Lots42 would be cool if he found another pirate hat in the trash. That's how I got these swell banana peel shoes! -- K. They're called slippers! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: girls are mean! (was: 6th grade science teachers) Date: Sat, 25 Jun 2005 20:35:48 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > Why do little girls do that, anyway? > > Because they have been socialized to do their aggressive shit on the > down low, to see relationships as the most powerful currency in life > and to be extremely cutthroat competitive, but over image and > appearance and guys and stuff and to try to make it look all nice and > sweet on the outside. They also have not been allowed to really be > assertive, so the choices have seemed to be either doormat or > aggressive, only socially aggressive rather than physically aggressive > (see above) and who wants to be a doormat? Wait, I thought sociopathy was manly. YOU RUINED MY LIFESTYLE!!! I'm going to take my list of Fight Club rules out of the Xerox machine and go home. -- K. So what you're saying is that the downfall of Western civilization is because Lucille Ball and Mary Tyler Moore taught girls to sass men instead of just baking cookies for them? I guess girls have to learn to be wild-and-crazy vivacious dames now because the previous stereotype of the good li'l housewife who never left the kitchen and whose only vice was buying a new hat twice a year has been co-opted by TV producers to be the unflattering stereotype of gay guys. We need to put the world back where it was in the 1950s where gay guys were dangerous and subversive and women were just clueless non- entities. Quick, make Cartoon Network show the "Jetsons" episode "Jane's Driving Lesson" another 500 times. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: girls are mean (was: 6th grade science teachers) Date: Sat, 25 Jun 2005 20:43:55 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@captaininfinity.us) wrote: > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > > > Why do little girls do that, anyway? > > > > They are mean. And see other little girls doing that. And > > aren't supposed to get into rough and tumble fist fights like > > the boys do. I was on the receiving end of a few of those "I > > don't likes" and it sucks, big time, when it happens. In the > > long run, though, I ended up with better friends and came out > > fairly well adjusted, and the girls who snubbed me went on to > > become domineering housewives with multiple marriages. > > > > I win ! > > Yeah but...you're still just a gurl. So, you know, big deal. So is this about to turn into the "Honeymooners" episode where the guys prove how manly they are by forming "The Woman-Haters Club", or the "Flintstones" episode where they do that, or the "I Love Lucy" episode where they do that? And did the "Little Rascals" kids with the "NO GIRLZ ALLOWED" clubhouse grow up to be the Honeymooners, the Flintstones, or just people who had their wives shot outside a restaurant while their alibi was that they were going back into the restaurant to pick up the gun they forgot they had checked at the door? -- K. Kids can be so cruel -- it says so in the Constitution. I'm just glad we grown-ups are always friendly and caring. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6th grade science teachers Date: Tue, 21 Jun 2005 19:21:22 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Teaching unfortunately attracts people who like to grade (judge) > others. When I was eight, I wanted to be a teacher. > Some of them like it more than anything else in the whole wide world. Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, baby. Unfortunately, teaching doesn't just attract nice people who like to be in charge of other people. It also attracts pedophiles and the most common type of dysfunctional teacher, those who just feel it is their societal duty to keep the youth of the nation in their place. Basically, people who hate kids and feel someone's gotta be around a kid yelling "SIDDOWN AN' SHADDUP!" all day every day. (Not all those people become teachers. Most become bus drivers.) The ones who like grading people are control freaks, while the ones who just hate kids are more about discipline for the sake of discipline, thinly rationalized as serving a societal function (i.e. "I have to keep showing these kids that people older than them are always in charge, and always will be!") I'd particularly like to see a good sociological study of the causes of gym teachers. Sure, a lot of them have that job because they want to help kids learn how to live healthy lifestyles. And sure, a lot of them have that job because of Woody Allen's career advice, "Those who can't do, teach, and those who can't teach, teach gym." But I think a lot of gym teachers are in that job because it allows them to play drill sergeant without having to actually be in the Army, i.e. they can spend all day toughening up those little crybabies by forcing them to throw dodgeballs at each other's faces. We're talking serious psychopathy here, the sort of person who would be an Army interrogator in Iraq if they could handle being part of a chain of command instead of just some guy yelling at kids to inflict pain on each other. Those of you who grew up in schools which didn't have dodgeball, you just don't know the fear that runs up and down our spines when we hear that distinctive clanky BONK sound of one of those rock-hard, over-inflated, rough-textured smelly rubber balls hitting anything. Next time you're at the mall and the toy store has a bin of those "playground balls", pick one up and throw it against the hard floor and see how many passersby execute a "Halt And Cringe" maneuver. -- K. And what of the lunch ladies? Do they just hate humanity? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6th grade science teachers Date: Tue, 21 Jun 2005 19:56:23 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > I have some sad, sad news for you, Stacia. Brace yourself. > > YOU ARE BEING GRADED (JUDGED) BY NEARLY EVERYONE AROUND YOU NEARLY > EVERY MINUTE OF YOUR FREAKIN' LIFE. Nuh-uh. For instance, Kevin, I'm not judging you right now. I completed my assessment a long time ago. > [...] > > This episode of "Not Bitter" has been brought to you by A Guy Who Is > Paid to Draw Upon His Experience, Expertise, and Knowledge to Assess > the Performance of Others (tm). Pleased to meet you. I'm Paid To Hurt People Who Think They're Better Than Everyone Else. But first, I'm going to watch you eat all 128 of your Crayolas. Starting with the silver one. -- K. And I didn't say you could peel the wrappers off. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6th grade science teachers Date: Wed, 22 Jun 2005 20:00:32 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > > > I have some sad, sad news for you, Stacia. Brace yourself. > > > > > > YOU ARE BEING GRADED (JUDGED) BY NEARLY EVERYONE AROUND YOU NEARLY > > > EVERY MINUTE OF YOUR FREAKIN' LIFE. > > > > Nuh-uh. For instance, Kevin, I'm not judging you right now. > > I completed my assessment a long time ago. > > I find it amusing that the word "judge" elicits such a myopic response > from so many people. If I say, unabashedly and without apology, that I > judge people all the time, then surely I must mean that I form > negative opinions about people all the time, for surely there can't be > any other manner in which one might judge people. No, to judge is to > be judgmental, and everyone knows that being judgmental is a Very Bad > Thing Indeed (tm). Really? I find it amusing that pushing hot-buttons invariably elicits a lengthy, predictable response from one person who never gets tired of whining that we don't respect his opinions more than our own because he is, after all, a Technical Writer In Initial Caps. > Judging (oops!) from the response of far too many people, it is > apparently impossible to judge someone positively, simply because the > act of judging people is a social transgression just slightly north of > public masturbation or being a used-car salesman. If such people are > to be believed, it is impossible for me to arrive at a positive > judgment, such as that . . . oh, I dunno . . . Kibo is a real schmart > guy. See, if you spend your time worrying about how smart I am, then you're an idiot. > [...] > > PS: When I describe myself as A Guy Who Is Paid to Draw Upon His > Experience, Expertise, and Knowledge to Assess the Performance of > Others, I am in no way suggesting that I'm "better than everyone > else." No, it's when you say you're NOT suggesting that you're better than everyone else that you're acting better than everyone else. After all, I _know_ I'm better than you, so if you're bragging about not having that character flaw, it just proves that you do. > I'm simply acknowledging an undeniable fact: As a teacher, > that's part of what I get paid to do. Sadly, you've either overlooked > or chosen to ignore the fact that my assessment of others often > involves fulsome praise, letters of recommendation, nominations for > honors, and high grades. Yeah, and NOBODY else here on the entire Internet has ever been PAID. You must live in a BIIIIIIG house! With a toilet and everything! > But I gotta stop doing that. Wouldn't want to be thought of as > judgmental. You can keep thinking of me as "a real schmart guy" at least until you realize I'm never going to pay you. Too bad, too, because being paid to do something is what makes someone's opinions right. -- K. So why DID you make Paula's daughter cry? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6th grade science teachers Date: Tue, 21 Jun 2005 22:01:09 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > You expect a waitress to be be polite after the umpteenth time someone > > orders the Denver omelette then a teacher can be polite after a parent > > exercises their right to ask why a certain grade was given. > > Jesus, that's a terrible sentence. This kind of tragedy only happens > when I edit. I snip here, add there, do the hokey pokey and the next > thing I know, I write like I work for the Associated Press. Terrible. FLUNK!!! That's my main problem with writing and rewriting too. I push the words around to shift the emphasis (for dramatic moments, the "hot" word goes at the start of the sentence, and for comedy, the "hot" word goes at the end) and to make stuff flow better and even to make the lines wrap more evenly, and amid all the move-this-here-then-that-has-to-do-a-knight's- move-to-here sometimes a sentence gets damaged in a way a spell-checker can't catch where it comes out with no verb, two verbs, a boy named Sue, or two hundred tons of cosmetic lava. I'm a good speller, and I try to spell-check the important articles, but I just can't avoid making an "edito" once in a while. Plus, I like to write sentences that don't follow the puny Earth rule about no sentence containing more than eight separate thoughts, 'cause that's the way I talk, and if I were reading this article aloud I would do this whole paragraph in one breath and I think Quentin Tarantino talks too slowly. Also, I give waitresses permission to be rude if and only if they get my order right. Fun fact: Studies actually show that waitresses who act surly and hassled get better tips -- some of them actually game the system by exaggerating this attitude to make you think they're working really hard under an impossible workload and what's the big deal about you never getting your soup, anyway? What I hate are appliance salesmen who have read that study about how if they touch you it makes you more likely to give them more money. Whoever did that study never tried putting his hand on _my_ shoulder. -- K. Even if you're not a salesperson, it's good to read up on point-of-sales techniques 'cause then you can have fun jerking these people around when they try them on you. Like, drop the magic phrase, "I came in here 'cause I saw this bargain advertised, but now I'm thinking I might need something with more features, because I have a wife and kids..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6th grade science teachers Date: Tue, 21 Jun 2005 19:33:59 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Heh. In my junior or senior year of high school I had a teacher > whose grading system consisted of taking the mean of your prior > grade and your most recent grade. This may be so stupid that you're > sure I'm describing it wrong, so I'll rephrase: each grade counts > about half as much as the next one, with the last grade (be it from > a test, a quiz, or a graded homework assignment) counting as half > the overall grade for the term. He could not see how this system > could produce a different result from taking the mean of all one's > grades for the term, and in fact insisted that they were the same > method. So what you're saying is that your life was actually like one of those game shows where the first-round questions are worth one point and the second-round questions are worth ten points? What did you win? Or did you get zonked? > He was not, fortunately, a mathematics teacher. He was a > religion teacher. You can't teach religion! All you can teach is the fear of the wrath of God! (And that's something that's best learned in science class, during the unit on lightning!) To teach religion, you'd have to turn all the great religious texts into textbooks with teacher's editions with answers in the back, which would not only violate Hebrew law (you can't add anything to the Torah), it would require making up answers to a lot of unanswerable questions. Like, suppose you have yourself cloned. Then you and the clone are each sliced in half down the middle, and the left half of your body is grafted onto the right half of your clone's body and vice versa. So, when you go to heaven, which of you has to hold the gate open for the other? I'd like to see an answer key deal with that! > The other religion teacher for that year actually > taught one of those "thermodynamics proves the existence of God" > things, so I was pretty glad, on balance, to be in the class I had. But thermodynamics says that Maxwell's Demon can't actually exist, so the fact that there are demons flying around all over the place proves that there's no such thing as thermodynamics! Also, THE THEORY OF RELATIVITY IS JUST A THEORY, UNLIKE THE BIBLE, WHICH IS A BOOK, AND HOW COULD PEOPLE HAVE "EVOLVED" FROM APES WITHOUT ALL THE APES ESCAPING FROM ZOOS? So, on a related subject, I'd like to open up the floor to a contest. Whose shop teacher had the fewest fingers? The winner will receive a lifetime supply of little coal scoops made from galvanized sheet metal. -- K. They also work for picking up dog poop, assuming you train your dog to only poop in "V"-shaped ditches. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6th grade science teachers Date: Wed, 22 Jun 2005 22:45:05 -0400 Dave Brown (dagbrown@LART.ca) wrote: > > There was a shop teacher whose classes I never took for some > reason, who had a hook for a hand. Needs more hot urban legend action, like, "And when I saw the dead girl's gym locker, the hook was hanging from the door! I know because I was in the girls' locker room while I was invisible!" I still always wonder why old-timey pirate-type people wound up with metal hooks for hands instead of something more useful, like a fork or a flyswatter or a sword-hand. The only thing you can do with a hook is to hope someone else cuts off your other hand so that once you have two hooks you can pick up those old-timey blocks of ice and carry them to your frigidarium. And even so you'd probably still rather have chainsaws for hands so you could make the ice blocks into cool sculptures like Edward Scissorhands except more respectable, because everyone respects you when you have more than one chainsaw. -- K. Who would win in contest between gym teachers and shop teachers to see who's better-adjusted? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6th grade science teachers Date: Tue, 21 Jun 2005 20:39:08 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > [...] > > Mr.Pratt wasn't a perv though. But he really hated my guts > and took every opportunity to humiliate me in front of > the entire class and I was one of those extremely shy kids > who would rather get an F than stand up in front of the class > and I never knew why. I remember you in second grade. You were that shy girl who spoke really quietly and pressed her chin against her chest and so when the teacher called on her, Ms. Teacher ordered, "EVERYONE, TERRI TALKS VERY QUIETLY SO WE HAVE TO BE VERY QUIET AND LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY BECAUSE TERRI IS TRYING TO TALK," and then Jerry Seinfeld started dressing like a pirate. > I ran into that bastid years later. Too bad it wasn't > when I was in my car. Please to not be re-enacting scenes from "Pulp Fiction" without giving me enough warning to get all those clocks set to "4:20". -- K. Hmm, how to tie pirates into that scene from "Pulp Fiction"? It seems impossible -- oh, wait: "[Serial] killers are not alien creatures with deranged minds, but alienated men with a disinterest in continuing the dull lives in which they feel entrapped. Reared in a civilization which legitimises violence as a response to frustration, provided by the mass media and violent pornography with both the advertising proclaiming the 'joy' of sadism and the instruction manual outlining correct procedures, they grasp the 'manly' identity of pirate and avenger." -- Elliott Leyton, "Hunting Humans: The Rise of the Modern Multiple Murderer" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6th grade science teachers Date: Wed, 22 Jun 2005 07:43:11 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote > > > > I remember you in second grade. You were that shy girl who > > spoke really quietly and pressed her chin against her chest > > and so when the teacher called on her, Ms. Teacher ordered, > > "EVERYONE, TERRI TALKS VERY QUIETLY SO WE HAVE TO BE VERY > > QUIET AND LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY BECAUSE TERRI IS TRYING TO TALK," > > Where you that short kid who sat behind me and kept > flipping my hair with his pencil? > (Everybody_ was shorter than me back then.) No, I was normal height until I became tall. And since all normal guys are taller than all gals, I was taller than you. > Yeah, I was painfully shy. Like Carrie, but > without the powers of telekenisis. I'm trying to remember which Japanese movie I watched this week had a couple scenes of them talking about "Carrie". I think it was the "KITTY!KITTY!KITTY!KITTY!KITTY!KITTY!" movie. Did your ballet teacher ever burn your thighs to make you unhappy enough to be a good dancer? > Somewhere along the way I gained confidence and > learned to enjoy standing up in front of a room full > of people and even got A's in communications classes in college. > I think it wasn't so imagining a room full of people > in their underwear that did it as much as it was imagining a room > full of Mr.Pratts suspended from the ceiling in a pair > of manacles while I vigorously applied the cat o' nine > tails to his rat bastard back. "Rat bastard"? I'm sorry, but we were doing "Pulp Fiction" until you decided you'd rather be Dreadlocked John Travolta With Action Codpiece from that much worse movie. So now I have to blow up your entire planet by teleporting a match to it before we can go back to "Pulp Fiction". I want to know more about your secret plan to clone bad people just so you can simultaneously flog two of the same person with your two hands. So tell me about your strokes. > > Please to not be re-enacting scenes from "Pulp Fiction" without > > giving me enough warning to get all those clocks set to "4:20". > > Okay, consider this your advanced warning. Fine, I'll telegraph Christopher Walken to synchronize his watch by kegelcizing. -- K. I think all public-speaking classes should have a day where everyone has to be in their underwear just to prove that that technique never relaxes anyone. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6th grade science teachers Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2005 23:47:57 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > Mr. Meier was my seventh grade science teacher, a plodding fellow > who seemingly felt like teaching science in a suburban Long Island > junior high school was a waste of his talents. Except for one > single solitary class, his level of disengagement from the teaching > of science approached legendary proportions. > > Mr. Meier was a short, somewhat stocky fellow in his thirties, with > the sort of constitution that seems only minutes away from blooming > into morbid obesity and male pattern baldness. That's called testosterone. > He also had something approaching narcissistic personality disorder. *I* don't see anything wrong with that! > Science class was his personal show-and-tell. One day he brought in > a tire and wheel that had fell off his car while he was driving on > the Long Island Expressway. Instead of a germane discussion of metal > fatigue and materials science, we were regaled with the story of how > he had heroically saved the day by veering on to the shoulder and how > he got drunk that night celebrating his good fortune. ...fortunately, he was able to call a cab to pick him up on the Long Island Expressway and take him the rest of the way to that party, though it was stupid of him to make the cabdriver wait outside while he walked up to the mansion and said "Fidelio!" > Another day, he brought a hunting rifle to class (this was 1972 or so, > so no Columbine-inspired zero-tolerance sanctions were applied). There > was no discussion of ballistics, or of the conversion of gunpowder to > kinetic energy. Mr. Meier just wanted us to see his penis^H^H^H^H^Hrifle. Now THAT'S called testosterone! > [...] > > Mr. Meier really liked to pick on one person in each class, and in ours > that unfortunate soul was Stephen Barsky, a pale, consumptive mouseburger. > Meier would be writing something at the blackboard, forming a question > for the class to solve. Suddenly he'd say "And the answer is...BARSKY?!?", > at which point he'd fling whatever was in his hand (chalk, eraser, etc.) > right at Stephen Barsky's head. More often than not, it would hit the > wall next to Barsky, but sometimes Meier would clock Barsky in the noggin. > > Barsky died at age sixteen of a heroin overdose. I can't rightly say > these things were related, but they sure didn't help. Proof at last: Chalk is a gateway drug! > The one, single, solitary time that Mr. Meier shined as an educator > was when an assistant principal sat in on the class as an observer, > no doubt prompted by the complaints of parents and students. On that > day, Mr. Meier was masterful, giving a lecture on the structure of > cells that used houses as a metaphor, with clear, concise chalk > drawings, and a narrative that engaged the class in a rich learning > experience. > > The rest of the time he was a fucking wanker and a failure as a teacher. Did his final exam at the end of the year consist of "Write down ten things you learned in my class."? I got one of those sprung on me once, so I pretended I learned some stuff. -- K. Never mind that, what type of rifle was it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Wild game, and I don't mean strip Pac-Man. Date: Tue, 21 Jun 2005 00:38:20 -0400 [www.modbee.com] -> -> Homeless shelter stops serving bear meat -> -> JUNEAU, Alaska (AP) -- A Juneau homeless shelter has stopped -> serving donated bear meat after learning the state prohibits -> nonprofit groups from accepting wild game meats such as bear, -> fox and walrus. -> -> "We didn't know that it is illegal," said Jetta Whittaker, -> executive director of the Glory Hole. I really don't know what to do about this one. I would yell "BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF WINKETY-WINK-WINK!" but it actually is about bears. Bears slipping their meat into yon Glory Hole. So the trillions of sparkly dancing bears are refusing to come out of their four-dimensional crystalline cave because this article is already a little too on-the-nose. They only like to show up for things which are just too obvious, and this one's worse than too obvious. It would be a terrible strain on the dancing bears' nervous systems to have to dance around something like this. We need a new type of multicolored, cavorting animal to represent something that's too obviously mockable even for the dancing bears. Do cuckoos cavort? -> For years, the shelter accepted bear meat to supplement its meals -> for the homeless. The meat went into many recipes, including -> burgers, casseroles and spaghetti. -> -> But last year, Whittaker learned that serving it was contrary to -> rules set by the Alaska Department of Environmental Conservation. -> This year, it has meant turning down five offers of bear meat. -> -> "That was 250 pounds of ground meat I could use for spaghetti -> sauce," said Bob Thompson, operations manager of the shelter. -> "We are protein-poor." Won't say it, won't say it. -> The Glory Hole rarely gets offers of deer because venison is more -> palatable to most people while bear meat has a stronger, wild -> smell, Whittaker said. WON'T SAY IT. -> Some of the people served by the Glory Hole said they miss meat -> of any kind. David Kelley, who is staying at the shelter, said he -> appreciates the three meals a day but he is tired of eating -> starchy vegetables. -> -> "I will eat whatever you put in front of me," Kelley said. "But -> you cannot live by starches alone." Those homeless people are so finicky! Wanting food AND shelter AND protein too! If they didn't think they could keep warm by eating vegan meals, they shouldn't have moved to Alaska after they became homeless! -- K. NOW, MY CUCKOOS, CAVORT! CAVORT! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wild game, and I don't mean strip Pac-Man. Date: Wed, 22 Jun 2005 00:29:12 -0400 Hey-hey! It's a different, longer article about bears not fitting into the Glory Hole! [juneauempire.com] -> -> Homeless not allowed to eat bear -> -> State regulations prohibit nonprofits from accepting game -> -> For years, the Glory Hole accepted bears to supplement its meals -> for the homeless. -> -> Bear burgers, bear casseroles, bear spaghetti -- the shelter's -> cooks had a wide menu of options for the game meat. I think Chef Boyardee also makes bear spaghetti, as well as Sonic Hedgehog macaroni, Snoopy ziti, and the deadly Darth Vader ravioli. -> But last year, Jetta Whittaker, executive director of the Glory -> Hole, learned from the senior center in Nome that the Alaska -> Department of Environmental Conservation prohibits nonprofits -> from accepting such wild game meats as foxes, bears and walruses. -> -> "We didn't know that it is illegal," Whittaker said. -> -> This year, the Glory Hole has turned down offers of five bears. Then the bears should make them an offer they can't refuse. -> "That was 250 pounds of ground meat I could use for spaghetti -> sauce," said Bob Thompson, operations manager of the Glory Hole. -> "We are protein-poor." -> -> The Glory Hole rarely gets offers of deer because venison is more -> palatable to most people while bear meat has a stronger, wild -> smell, Whittaker said. Solution to the world hunger problem: Scientists should find a way to make animals that taste really bad, such as 300-foot skunkalopes. Then people would donate lots of awful meat to the homeless! -> [...] -> -> "We serve a lot of guys who need protein to get their days -> going," Whittaker said. You know, this food shortage calls for a "Modest Proposal" brand modest proposal... Just don't let Fruit Chan have anything to do with it, or all the meat will get made into squishy dumplings. -> A nonprofit with a yearly budget of $193,000, the Glory Hole has -> only $4,500 to churn out 54,000 meals a year for the homeless. Eek. They're lucky they're up in Alaska. Down here in the United States, $4,500 will barely feed one person for a year. I don't think $4,500 would even buy the 54,000 empty TV dinner boxes to put those meals in. -> "We spend the money on staples such as sugar, salt and pepper," -> Whittaker said. "We don't have money for the protein." Pepper has protein if you eat at least a pound of it. -> Dan Rasmussen, who cooks at the Glory Hole five days a week, said -> meat is the most popular item on the menu. -> -> "When you serve oatmeal, probably six people show up," Rasmussen -> said. "The day I mixed 6 pounds of bacon with 10 dozen eggs, it -> was gone in 10 minutes." He should try serving the oatmeal from a big pot marked "HUNNY". -- K. At the moment I'm living off those $1.00 TV dinners where the little enchiladas are filled with some sort of orange lotion. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wild game, and I don't mean strip Pac-Man. Date: Wed, 22 Jun 2005 04:06:46 -0400 And lo and behold, the news media of the world continue to overwork the Metaphorical Dancing Bears Of Wink-Wink Nudge-Nudge with more news stories about actual physical bears. Back at the time of those articles about a streaker in a Maryland Wal-Mart, I set an alert for "Hagerstown + Wal-Mart", and this just turned up: [www.herald-mail.com] -> -> Bears shopping for mates at the Centre of town -> -> by Tim Rowland -> -> I'm sorry but, even if you're a bear, "mating season" is not an -> excuse for traipsing up and down the interstate in front of a -> strip shopping center. I'm not sure if the dancing bears know how to do the Strip Traipse, but I'm sure they can try it, once they're finished with their current project, which is to spend all summer building a giant neon sign which spells out "WINK, WINK" in letters made of smaller letters made of winking eyeballs made of smaller letters made out of individual atoms made out of hypnotically-winking eyeballs. -> What is it about the Centre at Hagerstown anyway? First it's a -> truck tire through the window at IHOP, then a streaker at -> Wal-Mart, now bears at Ryan's Steak House. Around here, a taxi crashed through the front window at Pearl Art in Cambridge, and there are twenty-foot-long black skid marks deeply etched diagonally across the white linoleum floor, but unfortunately the ground floor just sells pens and markers -- it would have been much cooler if all the toxic paint cans were on that floor. -> It's like the shopping center is haunted by the Marx Brothers. -> You want wacky, just hang out at Centre stage for a while. -> -> Now, it's bears at the steakhouse. That'll have them rethinking -> that salmon special. DNR officials say it's "the peak of breeding -> season, so bears are roaming far and wide." Well maybe so, but if -> it's breeding season, why would they go to a shopping center, to -> register at Marshall's? What pattern do they go for, Noritake -> Bearmont? And why is it relevant that the officials have "Do Not Resuscitate" orders in their living wills? Of course, such living wills aren't taken seriously in some states, so it's important not only to write "Do Not Resuscitate" in big letters, but also to always wear your "DNR" toe tag, and have The Dancing Bears Of Do Not Resuscitate maul any doctor who attempts heroic measures. -> They say, "Male bears will spend more of their time looking for -> females than they will asleep." -> -> I'll pause here for a moment while all you smart-aleck -> chickie-pies out there guffaw and make all your uproariously -> funny jokes about the similarities between bear and man. Better go out for a cigarette, because we're going to be here for a while. -> That's right, get it out of your systems while we guys just sit -> here with our lips pressed together into a thin line, slowly tapping -> our pencil erasers on our laptops. Then the bear cub asks, "Daddy, what was a pencil? What was an eraser? Were those things required by early laptops, the type they had back in the Forties?" And the cub's daddy says, "Go ask your other daddy." -> Finished yet? OK, good. Now let's move on. Don't try to change the subject. I'm not finished erasing all the tpyos I made in this sentence yet. For some reason the pencil eraser isn't taking any of the letters off my screen. -> Personally, I don't know why a male bear looking for a mate would -> go to a shopping center, unless maybe he figures she's buying -> shoes at Marshall's. Bears never buy shoes. They just go -- WAIT FOR IT -- BEAR-foot! GET IT? BEAR-foot! HA HA HA HA HA! Now if you'll excuse me, I must go tap my lips against my laptop's pencil or whatever it was you said I was supposed to be doing whenever you said something like that. -> And didn't Maryland just legalize black bear hunting? Fat lot of -> good that did, apparently. Stupid hunters -- they all took their -> guns and went into the woods, when they should have gone to The -> Home Depot. There really aren't any other reasons to go there, unless you're the sort of sicko who has a deep-seated need to be ripped off. Around here, the place to shop if you wanted to see big bears used to be FAO Schwarz, which had that fifteen-foot-tall bronze teddy bear out front. But when they went out of business the bear got donated to a local children's hospital that had to decide between using some of their real estate to put up a new wing or house a giant advertisement for a bankrupt toy store, so they did the sensible thing and installed the bear. He's still stacking up his "F", "A", and "O" blocks, but I don't think the hospital also took the little sidewalk plaque that said "PLEASE DO NOT CLIMB ON THE BEAR". (That went over to some place in Pi Alley.) -- K. Do people in China get as sick of news stories about pandas as we do of news stories about bears? Probably, because I'm sick of seeing pandas on CNN every ten minutes. Over there it must be wall-to-wall pandas. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: That Thing I Did To Cause You To Hate Me Forever Date: Tue, 21 Jun 2005 19:50:43 -0400 "twillis" (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > I had it just a second ago, but now I can't remember what it was. Hmm, syphilis doesn't clear up that fast. So I'm stumped. What was this thing which you can't remember? I know, let's try to guess! HEY EVERYONE START GUESSING EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER! I GO FIRST! BALLOONS!!!! -- K. Sometimes life is like a game show with no answers and six billion hosts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof! Kibo=The Anti Christ Date: Tue, 21 Jun 2005 20:17:04 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > > > I knew Kibo had the ability to control the lightening > > > because I've seen the pictures. Big deal. > > > I also know he doesn't any better control over it any > > > more than he does over the aim of the death ray. > > > > His obsession with Bib The Michelin Man also had a profound effect > > on yesterday's Formula 1 race at Indianapolis. > > What happened? I'm not a follower of car racing and the Michelin > Man scares me. First off, it's not an obsession, I only dated him a couple of times. Secondly, he's really not scary once you get to know him, as long as you don't accidentally use the wrong words in the same sentence, such as "The wine's from 1954? That was a very GOOD YEAR! Now let's flip over that steak and watch as it SEARS!" Also, you can't take him to any restaurant which doesn't feature a long enough row of dingbats, so you have to keep going to that one long, narrow Hooters. Anyway, the US Grand Prix was informed that Michelin found some safety problems with the track being too intense for their fat-ass racing tires and that nobody should drive 200 mph on them, so only ten drivers participated in the race because most race-car drivers are wimps. My understanding is that the other drivers demanded they temporarily convert the US Grand Prix into a slow-and-careful obstacle course by setting up thousands of orange cones in a Hellenic meander pattern, but the Michelin Man didn't want to set up all those orange cones because he was too busy filming a Sta-Puft marshmallow commercial and giggling whenever anyone jabbed their finger into his belly. As a result, the race was ruined because nobody died. -- K. This is all true, I fact-checked it by not looking anything up or asking anyone who knows stuff, therefore this article can now go straight into Wikipedia. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Masochistic cops in the news yet again Date: Tue, 21 Jun 2005 21:29:17 -0400 I saw this linked from Fark.com, and I wasn't going to mention it (after all, every time a cop volunteers to be Tasered it makes the news), but then I remember that you people care deeply about Tasers, so I had to quote it. Plus, I like this guy's philosophy. [www.stltrib.com] -> -> Tasers vs. Pepper Spray: Hit me, I'll tell you which is worse -> -> Rocky's inquiry: One of the mayor's own serves as a guinea pig in -> an evaluation of police weapons -> -> By Heather May -> The Salt Lake Tribune -> -> Ty McCartney thwacked his leg repeatedly with a foam baton as he -> braced himself to be jolted by up to 50,000 volts. Hmm, if we could just get the criminals to pound themselves with batons, maybe we wouldn't need Tasers... -> [...] -> -> A former cop, McCartney figured he should do his homework. He -> didn't "scream like a girl," as he feared. Tasers aren't for girls! The best way to make a girl scream is to cut all the hair off her My Little Pony collection and flush it down the toilet and yell, "Look! They now have hair you CAN'T comb!" -> But the 33-year-old's guttural moans masked the electric "zzzz" -> of the Taser. They seem to go more "ticktickticktick" when I see them being used on "Cops". "Zzzz" is more like an old-fashioned electro-mechanical cattle prod, or the sound a person makes after they try to watch all ninety-eight episodes of "Cops" that are on Court TV today. -> [...] -> -> McCartney said he felt winded, like he had run a sprint. "During -> that five seconds it wasn't pain, just disabling." That's what they said about the guillotine. -> Then came round two of his masochistic morning: the pepper spray. If you're really into masochistic mornings, it would probably be easier to just spray Right Guard in your eyes at the same time you do you armpits. (That was also the plot of an episode of "Love, Sidney".) -> McCartney wanted to compare the two types of force that police -> officers use and see which one would stop his "attacks" the -> quickest. -> -> Dressed in military fatigues and combat boots, officer Tyrone -> Farillas took over spray duties. Outside the precinct, McCartney -> fiddled with his foam baton again and then Farillas sprayed -> McCartney's eyes for about two seconds. Fatigues and combat boots are nice, but it would have been better if he had been wearing a waiter's outfit like that guy who goes from table to table with the giant pepper mill. -> [...] -> -> Several minutes later, his eyes still red, puffy and watering, -> McCartney announced his preference. -> -> "The Taser, hands down. After five seconds, it's over. As you can -> see, in 15, 20, 30 minutes, this [spray] will still be a problem," -> he said, while sitting in front of a fan to aid his eyes. -> -> [...] -> -> "The great thing about pain, it reminds you you're alive," he said. Besides that being something Martin Landau once said on "Space: 1999", it should also be the motto of an amusement park where people would be able to experience the joy of pepper spray, Tasers, foam batons, choke holds, and all those other things police officers enjoy volunteering for. Why should the cops have all the fun? The amusement park would have a cop standing next to a table with an iPod on it, and if you took the iPod, he'd spray you with your choice of hot pepper, electricity, hot lead, boiling oil, or a flamethrower. And then he'd remind you that you asked to be reminded that you're alive, and then you'd pay him. It would be one of those amusement parks where there would be no fee to get in, only a big one to get out. -- K. The best part is, I'd only have to build half a rollercoaster. Chris Elliott would be first in line. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Recipes you shouldn't have to think about (and I mean it) Date: Wed, 22 Jun 2005 04:41:12 -0400 Hey, everyone who's been clamoring for alt.religion.kibology to feature more recipes! [www.magicvalley.com] -> -> Casseroles: Idaho's manna from purgatory -> -> By Steve Crump -> -> I've been over to the Crump family reunion in McCammon, so I can -> report authoritatively on the state of casserole-making in Idaho. -> -> Casseroles are, of course, Mormon binder. Baptists, too, if the -> Baptists happen to be from Arimo. But from what I can tell, the -> state of the art has not advanced one whit since the -> tuna/cream-of-mushroom soup/frozen peas/potato chip casserole was -> invented by deranged Norwegian bachelor farmers during the Great -> Depression. Potato chip? Hmm. I always thought the topping was supposed to be those canned, permastale, deep-fried toenail clippings they call "French's Onion Rings". I need to read worse cookbooks. -> Matter of fact, it may actually have deteriorated. Aunt Alma -> brought a rhubarb casserole with canned plums, chunky peanut -> butter and maraschino cherries with a graham-cracker crust. It's the "chunky" part that bothers me. -> Cousin Della contributed a Spam/fusilli/pea soup concoction -> that caused Uncle Reece to go home early, and the creamed -> corn/Velveeta/hamhock surprise devised by Cousin Bernice found -> absolutely no takers. That doesn't sound bad, if you left the Velveeta out of it. And used bacon instead of ham hocks. And shaped it into patties and breaded and deep-fried it and served it with tonkatsu sauce. -> But regardless of how unappealing they may have been, I got to -> thinking that casserole-making may be THE authentic Idaho art -> form. So I'm out to make THE definitive Idaho casserole. -> -> Announcing the First Annual Don't Ask Me Ultimate Idaho Casserole -> Contest. -> -> Here's the deal: You send me a casserole recipe containing one of -> the ingredients listed below. I'll pick the most outlandish -> recipe and come over to your house and make it for you. -> -> OK, that's the consolation prize too. -> -> Your casserole must contain hot dogs, Cheez Whiz, canned string -> beans, cream of chicken soup, zucchini, eggplant, Ritz crackers, -> bouillion cubes, stewed tomatoes OR deviled ham. Feel free to use -> more than one. I predict 58,000 submissions just like this one: KIBO'S ULTIMATE OLD WORLD HOTDISH DEE-LITE INGREDIENTS * 1 pack hot dogs * 1 jar Cheez Whiz * 1 can canned string beans * 1 can cream of chicken soup * 1 can zucchini * 1 can eggplant * 1 box Ritz crackers * 1 box bouillon cubes * 1 can stewed tomatoes * 1 can deviled ham DIRECTIONS Mix all ingredients (after opening cans.) Bake for 350 minutes at 45 degrees. Do not season at all, to taste. Serves everyone. -> We'll publish the winning recipe -- and the recipes of notable -> runners-up -- along with disclaimers from our lawyers that you -> should not try this at home. -> -> Send recipes to Casseroles, c/o Steve Crump, The Times-News, P.O. -> Box 548, Twin Falls 83303, e-mail them to scrump@magicvalley.com -> or fax them to 734-5538, but for Pete's sake don't leave the -> original on the office fax machine. Entry deadline is July 15. Why can't I leave it in the fax machine? I've memorized the appropriate speech from "Fight Club", although I don't really think of myself as a "button-down, Oxford-cloth psycho" because I prefer clothing that's made from animal flesh without harming any plants or petroleum products. -> And yes, we pretty much have to use your name. -> -> Meanwhile, here with my compliments is a recipe I found on the -> Internet using that ultimate casserole ingredient, Tater Tots. -> Bon appetit! -> -> Best Tater Tot Hotdish -> -> 1 lb. ground beef -> 1 can cream of mushroom soup -> 1 jar of Cheez Whiz -> 1/2 lb. bag of Tater Tots -> -> Press raw hamburger evenly into the bottom of an ungreased -> 9-by-13-inch pan. -> -> Spread cream of mushroom soup over the hamburger. Place spoonfuls -> of Cheez Whiz over that. Arrange Tater Tots over the top. Bake in -> a preheated oven at 350 degrees for 1 hour and 15 minutes. -> -> Enjoy. But if you're gonna put ketchup on it, I really don't want -> to know about it. Can I substitute cooked hamburger for the raw hamburger to make it taste browned instead of baked? And can I substitute a bottle of hot sauce for the Velveeta? And do they have to be genuine Tater Tots brand Tater Tots or can I use those mushy-crusty ones shaped like Internet smilies? -> Steve "The Swedish Chef" Crump is the first cook known to have -> successfully combined lutefisk and aquavit in the same casserole. -> OK, there was more aquavit than lutefisk. I'm got a recipe for Swedish meatballs, but no real Swedes would like it because I put seasoning in mine. Onions, too. -- K. The secret ingredient is horseradish. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Al Dente Sock Saklad Date: Wed, 22 Jun 2005 08:15:02 -0400 John Schmidt (js@radix.net) wrote: > > Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > > > The other was a carcinoma on the right side of my face, just > > above the cheekbone. Ow. This one hurt like hell and left me > > bruised. I have to have it biopsied again in July to make sure > > it is all gone. I know it's not. I can see it. So I get to go > > through this again. > > Try to get a different oncological surgeon who has the facilities to do > a Mohs procedure. Those must be difficult -- after all, Mohs defines hardness. ZING! Tune in tomorrow for my wacky riffs on the Hertzsprung-Russell diagram and Dalton symbols! > If you *have* to get your face carved up, it's the way to go. What's wrong with just taking your old compass from geometry class and doing it in front of the bathroom mirror like Chris Farley once suggested? > Damn near certain to get all of the nastiness the first time. Gee, if cancer is such a nuisance, you shoulda thought about that before you brought it on yourself by drinking that half can of diet soda! > When I got hacked up, the neatest part was the reconstructive surgery. > A flap of skin from my forehead (think an upside-down "U") was folded > over to replace the missing hunk of my nose. So your oily T-zone was "U"-shaped? What letter-shape is your new T-minus-U-zone? > For a couple of months afterwards, I could tap the right side > of said nose and it would feel as if I was tapping my forehead. > It was even more entertaining than batting around a ball of > wadded up tinfoill in the corner. Big deal. You know that spot on your dog's thigh that makes his leg shake in circles when you rub it? I know where that spot is on higher life forms. Now, imagine if that spot were translanted onto your nose... Every time you put on sunblock your leg would spaz out. Fun for the whole family! -- K. So what vegetable is best described as "Oblate Balls Approximating Fresh Green Krap Make Really Nasty Spinach"? Hertzsprung-Russell Sprouts! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: SSP Date: Wed, 22 Jun 2005 20:24:11 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Probably the more important thing about first grade was that I could > already read, having taught myself at the age of three and a half, > according to my mother. So when the class was doing flashcards, I > would of course read the word (duh). The rest of the class quickly > caught on and waited to hear what I said and the repeated it after me > instead of learning to read the word themselves. So the nun told me > to stop reading the flashcards and sit silently while the other kids > read them. She also wrote a note home to my mother, chastising her > for having taught me to read early. My mother wrote a polite > nastygram back (her specialty). I was subsequently taken to an eighth > grade class and made to read aloud to them from the eighth grade > reader, to shame them. ("See, this little first grader can read from > your book, and you can't, you lazy stupid kids" was apparently the > message.) So the eighth graders felt shamed, or perhaps just bemused, > and I felt like a freak. > > Gotta love those nuns. Can't kill 'em. Doesn't really matter -- all nuns go to Hell anyway. After all, in every painting of angels you've ever seen, they're all wearing lingerie, right? And nuns don't show skin, right? Therefore, all the nuns went to the other place. > Too bad I was such a clueless good little girl, or I could have had > some fun with those flashcard readings. I learned a similar lesson by being able to read before I entered kindergarten. I learned that you have to make the grown-ups feel useful by pretending you didn't know today's word before you "learned" it in class. There always seemed to be this subtle pressure that it wasn't okay to use any words that the teacher hadn't yet approved. I also remember complaining that the "j" on the flashcards didn't look like any other "j"s in the world, due to those Germans sneaking their fascist Futura font into our educational system. At least "Sesame Street" used a modified Futura where they'd added a real tail to the "j". Anyway, between "Sesame Street" and "The Electric Company", TV used to provide a pretty good curriculum in the stuff you needed to know to start learning to read. And, of course, "Mister Rogers" helped me become the caring, well-adjusted person I am today. THEN THE BASTARDS STOPPED MAKING NEW EPISODES OF HIS SHOW JUST BECAUSE HE DIED!!! -- K. "Sesame Street" is now so lame. It would be greatly improved if nuns took it over, even if that meant Cookie Monster could only eat communion wafers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: SSP Date: Wed, 22 Jun 2005 20:35:56 -0400 twillis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > > > [...] i was in the Bluebirds reading group, which > > didn't really count for much. what a lame, boring-assed name. > > we had Mr. Pool for first grade reading, though, and he was > > kinda dishy, so it wasn't all bad. > > I once was delivered to a bluebird meeting on the back of a police > motorcycle. > > I seem to recall that the other girls were impressed. I don't know what this secret Bluebird cabal is, but if it involved police motorcycles I bet it taught you to read real fast. "Today, kids, we're going to learn to read the Riot Act to people, then we're going to practice Miranda Warnings..." By the way, what exactly was the Riot Act? Were riots legal until it passed? All's I know is that you folks are not going to troll me into telling you about the speech therapist with the creepy hand puppet again. Go watch "South Park" instead. -- K. There are very few teachers where I ever wonder what happened to them. That guy's one of 'em. Also the woman who flew into murderous rage whenever someone said the word "snow". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: PLONKFEST 2005!! (Was: Re: Proof! Kibo=The Anti Christ) Date: Wed, 22 Jun 2005 20:41:58 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > [...] > > ++--------\\ //---------++ > || ========= || > || || > || || > ++---+ I was held +---++ > | hostage by a | > | serial killer | > | and made into | > | a girl suit, | > | but all I got | > | was this lousy | > | T-shirt | > +--------------------+ Now that suggests a cool new fashion trend: Wearing a t-shirt made from your own skin. You could get your whole upper body tattooed, then have the skin cut off and made into a pretty shirt, then when your skin grows back you could get new tattoos. Skin grows back, right? If not, I think I need to borrow someone's phone... -- K. P.S. I fixed the tab damage in your human flesh shirt. (For those of you playing "Unlikely Sentences Bingo", you can now check off the corner square.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Word of the day. Date: Thu, 23 Jun 2005 00:19:47 -0400 I swear that someone used this neologism in a sentence in a dream I had last night: bejuvenated (adjective) reduced to a child-like state; "The doctors gave him a double lobotomy, and now he eats peanut butter with his fingers because he's been permanently bejvenated." I don't know how or why my semi-conscious brain invented this useful new word, but because that happened it's an official word here on the Internet, so I want to see everyone using "bejuvenated" wherever they need a more politically-correct word to replace "insta-tarded". -- K. I won't mention which person the word "bejuvenated" was referring to in the dream. Oddly, the imaginary science museum was really crowded that night, despite it being more dysfunctional than real ones. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the future... today Date: Thu, 23 Jun 2005 00:33:07 -0400 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > I grew up in the 70's and was full of dreams about what the futuristic > year 2005 would bring us. But I never imagined this headline: > > Giant Popsicle Melts, Floods New York Park > > http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050622/ap_on_fe_st/popsicle_disaster > > I would have paid real money to have a fortune teller predict this one > for me accurately. I know. Look how badly I goofed: From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Predictions for 2005 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: January 1, 1975 I PERDICT THAT A NEW YR0K PARK WILL B FL00DED BY A TINY P0SPICLE!!! 0K!!! ALS0 S00N THERE WILL BE A TV SH0W CALLED "BATTLETSAR GALACTICA" & IT WILL NEVER EVER GET CANCELLED!!! DISC0 R0X 4-EVER!!!!!!! THAT NEW VILLAGE PE0PEL GRU0P IS REALLY K00L & I WILL NEVER UNDRESTAND THEIR TERRIBLE SECRET!!!! ***THE*** ***END*** ***OF*** ***THIS**** ***REAL*** **ARTUCLE*** I can hardly believe I ever posted that! -- K. That was right before I became an astronaut, but I can't tell you about that because I was an astronaut for the CIA. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Science Question About Urine Storage Date: Sat, 25 Jun 2005 20:58:58 -0400 Gamwid Gamdet (Gamwid_member@newsguy.com) wrote: > > When I fill up plastic two liter soda bottles > with urine and leave them capped, after awhile > the bottles start to buckle inward rather severely. > > Why? Well, after you've emptied your bladder out that thorougly, you don't need to pee so much so your body sweats more to compensate, and all this sweat vapor raises the air pressure in your home, crushing your bottles good. You can see this effect in the way TV screens over the decades have become less and less bulgy due to the rise of indoor plumbing. If people continue relieving themselves so freely, TV screens will soon become concave. -- K. Or maybe it's the glue you're using on those "Lemonade 5c" labels.