From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Word of the day. Date: Thu, 23 Jun 2005 00:19:47 -0400 I swear that someone used this neologism in a sentence in a dream I had last night: bejuvenated (adjective) reduced to a child-like state; "The doctors gave him a double lobotomy, and now he eats peanut butter with his fingers because he's been permanently bejvenated." I don't know how or why my semi-conscious brain invented this useful new word, but because that happened it's an official word here on the Internet, so I want to see everyone using "bejuvenated" wherever they need a more politically-correct word to replace "insta-tarded". -- K. I won't mention which person the word "bejuvenated" was referring to in the dream. Oddly, the imaginary science museum was really crowded that night, despite it being more dysfunctional than real ones. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the future... today Date: Thu, 23 Jun 2005 00:33:07 -0400 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > I grew up in the 70's and was full of dreams about what the futuristic > year 2005 would bring us. But I never imagined this headline: > > Giant Popsicle Melts, Floods New York Park > > http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050622/ap_on_fe_st/popsicle_disaster > > I would have paid real money to have a fortune teller predict this one > for me accurately. I know. Look how badly I goofed: From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Predictions for 2005 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: January 1, 1975 I PERDICT THAT A NEW YR0K PARK WILL B FL00DED BY A TINY P0SPICLE!!! 0K!!! ALS0 S00N THERE WILL BE A TV SH0W CALLED "BATTLETSAR GALACTICA" & IT WILL NEVER EVER GET CANCELLED!!! DISC0 R0X 4-EVER!!!!!!! THAT NEW VILLAGE PE0PEL GRU0P IS REALLY K00L & I WILL NEVER UNDRESTAND THEIR TERRIBLE SECRET!!!! ***THE*** ***END*** ***OF*** ***THIS**** ***REAL*** **ARTUCLE*** I can hardly believe I ever posted that! -- K. That was right before I became an astronaut, but I can't tell you about that because I was an astronaut for the CIA. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: girls are mean! (was: 6th grade science teachers) Date: Sat, 25 Jun 2005 20:35:48 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > Why do little girls do that, anyway? > > Because they have been socialized to do their aggressive shit on the > down low, to see relationships as the most powerful currency in life > and to be extremely cutthroat competitive, but over image and > appearance and guys and stuff and to try to make it look all nice and > sweet on the outside. They also have not been allowed to really be > assertive, so the choices have seemed to be either doormat or > aggressive, only socially aggressive rather than physically aggressive > (see above) and who wants to be a doormat? Wait, I thought sociopathy was manly. YOU RUINED MY LIFESTYLE!!! I'm going to take my list of Fight Club rules out of the Xerox machine and go home. -- K. So what you're saying is that the downfall of Western civilization is because Lucille Ball and Mary Tyler Moore taught girls to sass men instead of just baking cookies for them? I guess girls have to learn to be wild-and-crazy vivacious dames now because the previous stereotype of the good li'l housewife who never left the kitchen and whose only vice was buying a new hat twice a year has been co-opted by TV producers to be the unflattering stereotype of gay guys. We need to put the world back where it was in the 1950s where gay guys were dangerous and subversive and women were just clueless non- entities. Quick, make Cartoon Network show the "Jetsons" episode "Jane's Driving Lesson" another 500 times. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: girls are mean (was: 6th grade science teachers) Date: Sat, 25 Jun 2005 20:43:55 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@captaininfinity.us) wrote: > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > > > Why do little girls do that, anyway? > > > > They are mean. And see other little girls doing that. And > > aren't supposed to get into rough and tumble fist fights like > > the boys do. I was on the receiving end of a few of those "I > > don't likes" and it sucks, big time, when it happens. In the > > long run, though, I ended up with better friends and came out > > fairly well adjusted, and the girls who snubbed me went on to > > become domineering housewives with multiple marriages. > > > > I win ! > > Yeah but...you're still just a gurl. So, you know, big deal. So is this about to turn into the "Honeymooners" episode where the guys prove how manly they are by forming "The Woman-Haters Club", or the "Flintstones" episode where they do that, or the "I Love Lucy" episode where they do that? And did the "Little Rascals" kids with the "NO GIRLZ ALLOWED" clubhouse grow up to be the Honeymooners, the Flintstones, or just people who had their wives shot outside a restaurant while their alibi was that they were going back into the restaurant to pick up the gun they forgot they had checked at the door? -- K. Kids can be so cruel -- it says so in the Constitution. I'm just glad we grown-ups are always friendly and caring. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Science Question About Urine Storage Date: Sat, 25 Jun 2005 20:58:58 -0400 Gamwid Gamdet (Gamwid_member@newsguy.com) wrote: > > When I fill up plastic two liter soda bottles > with urine and leave them capped, after awhile > the bottles start to buckle inward rather severely. > > Why? Well, after you've emptied your bladder out that thorougly, you don't need to pee so much so your body sweats more to compensate, and all this sweat vapor raises the air pressure in your home, crushing your bottles good. You can see this effect in the way TV screens over the decades have become less and less bulgy due to the rise of indoor plumbing. If people continue relieving themselves so freely, TV screens will soon become concave. -- K. Or maybe it's the glue you're using on those "Lemonade 5c" labels. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Science Question About Urine Storage Date: Sun, 26 Jun 2005 16:42:11 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > Gamwid Gamdet (Gamwid_member@newsguy.com) wrote: > > > > When I fill up plastic two liter soda bottles > > with urine and leave them capped, after awhile > > the bottles start to buckle inward rather severely. > > > > Why? > > Everything buckles inward rather severely when you cap it. > > Don't you know *ANYTHING* about firearms? > > Also, notice how contents spread outwards rather severely when > bullets exit. Doc Edgerton's golden shower photo collection disgusts me very, very slowly. > I bet you impressed all the dogs in the neighbourhood with your > commitment to scent marking. Speaking of scented markers, why don't they make a cologne that smells like Sharpies? The old bullet-point Letraset markers were pretty good too (but not the broad ones, those had a different solvent) but Sharpies are the best. Can you imagine how incredible Sharpies would smell if 3M made them? 3M makes all industrial products smell better. That's why their name says "MMM". Also, there should be Sharpie-Cola. And it should come in special two-liter bottles which can never be refilled with urine. And the bottles should say "THIS IS NOT URINE" on them when you buy them just to make sure you know it has a delicious non-urine taste. -- K. Gamwid, have you considered keeping your urine in something sturdier, like a Pringles can? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Torture by okra? Date: Sun, 26 Jun 2005 00:56:12 -0400 (Found via a Google News alert for "okra", one of the best vegetables named after a funny nonsense word) [www.newshounds.us] -> -> Molly Henneberg called in with a report about the Congressional -> visit to Gitmo. Molly told viewers that everyone ate a -> "prisoner meal" of chicken with orange sauce with okra over -> rice adding that the chefs at gitmo took pride in the food they -> served. Henneberg pointed out that the Military in the mess -> hall had pizza and fried chicken instead of prison fare. The emphasis here is interesting: Only the prisoners have to eat the chicken with orange sauce and okra, while the Army guys get normal food. This means there must be something terribly, terribly wrong with okra if they're serving it to the prisoners in Guantanamo. Now, I greatly enjoy okra, but I know that some people who have experienced improperly-prepared okra have a tendency to run away from it screaming "EWW! SLIMY!" The big question: Is our government justified in its belief that there is a strong correlation between being a terrorism suspect and hating okra? I think it must be true, since I like okra. EVERYONE WHO HATES OKRA IS A TERRORIST AND SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO HAVE PIZZA. Further proof that I like okra: I hate pizza. Or at least I hate it when they ruin it by putting cheese on it. Pizza should have no cheese and be covered with lots of bacon, okra, and hot sauce. And it's an amazing coincidence that the prison food happened to be gourmet fancy Frenchified chicken l'orange on the same day the Congressional junketeers were there! -- K. On other days, the "chicken" they serve the prisoners is ground up finely to disguise its snouts and hooves and that little curly tail. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sisters Are For Tormenting Date: Sun, 26 Jun 2005 01:27:39 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > Those of you who are guys, who had sisters while kids, what did you do > to torment them? > > Me, I remember once, with my brothers, marking up their dollhouse with > red marker. It was the after-effects a hideous bloody massacre. Serves your brothers right for even having a dollhouse. But I still don't understand why this should have bothered your sisters, other than reminding them they were in the same family with a bunch of sissy boys. I don't know very much about the range of motion of dolls' joints. Are they flexible enough so you can crucify Barbie and Ken without hurting them? -- K. I bet not even Superman could crucify My Little Ponies without hurting them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: You know how news stories never live up to their headlines? Date: Sun, 26 Jun 2005 22:41:22 -0400 [www.newscientistspace.com] -> -> Violent jet detected spewing from brown dwarf -> -> A jet of matter has been detected spewing from a brown dwarf -> for the first time, mimicking a process seen in young stars. Sadly, the rest of the article is not about what happened when Verne Troyer fell asleep in the tanning machine after eating too many beans. I'm going to cancel the BugMeNot.com subscription I'm using if New Scientist doesn't make up for this by printing an article all about Verne Troyer's bad gas. Also, can Austin Powers please do something funny this time instead of just lots of fart jokes? Ha ha, I just reminded you that there used to be such a character as Austin Powers -- a character everyone's so sick of that it's not even cool to dress up like him at Halloween any more, let alone in your everyday life. If you people are good, I promise to never mention the former popularity of Austin Powers again. -- K. However, I reserve the right to quote at length from "The Maltese Bippy" should someone ever send me a bootleg of it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Short Shameful Review: squirtable PBJ and that geek show Date: Thu, 30 Jun 2005 02:19:21 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > as I mentioned last night, I managed to track down squirtable peanut > butter (Skippy's) and squirtable jelly (Welch's). Big deal. Two days ago, I bought a jar of "cherry pepper jelly", and you don't hear me bragging, particularly because it doesn't taste like cherry peppers, it tastes like cherries and jalapenos! That's ANNOYINGLY FALSE ADVERTISING! I hope these people don't also make a peanut butter without any real butter in it! > tonight was Teh Big Test. here is my report: > > 1) I wish they had another flavor besides raspberry, because > raspberry's > kind of a weird flavor. I like strawberry more. I like cherry peppers. And black raspberries and red raspberries and blackberries and blueberries and blue raspberries and red blueberries and blue redberries and black clearberries and rainbow hoverberries and invisible antiberries and resublimated rockmanberries and exploding deathberries and crontabular smerpleberries and lunky gluntberries and back raspberries. So, I WIN. > 2) the peanut butter tube is really small and hard to squeeze. You could try blowing on it to warm it up. > 3) however, both the peanut butter and the jelly have a long narrow > slit > intead of a round nozzle, which means the stuff squirts out in thin > ribbons, making it easier to cover the bread effectively. Wait... you use _bread_ for your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Philistine! A real peanut butter and jelly sandwich should be made from slices of Yorkshire pudding and/or bubblewrap. > all in all, an ok sammich. > > I ate the sammich while watching that dorky reality show, "Beauty and > the Geek". I have been watching this, despite my enormous dislike for > reality shows. I figured I should watch this, because I would have a > special insight into how fake the show was. All my TV gets is this really lame reality show about some geek making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while telling us how hard it is to squeeze a tube of peanut butter. > and yay! it's so fake! first, there's not one geek on the show. one > guy's big claim to geekery is that he's really into "The Dukes of > Hazzard". yeah. the show beloved by math professors and software > engineers. the only guy who seems "geeky" seems like a total fraud. > also, they have all these confessionals that seem way too staged. bleh. > > oh, and everything's way too quick. > > fortunately, it's almost over. I won't have to watch the train wreck > anymore. You could switch to watching Morgan Spurlock's "30 Days" instead. Next week's episode -- can a straight guy share an apartment with a gay guy for 30 days? I'm not kidding, this is actually Morgan Spurlock's daring idea of a freaky social-experiment. OH MY GOD IT'S A MILLION TIMES MORE EXTREME THAN "FEAR FACTOR"! NEVER BEFORE HAS TV SHOWN WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A GAY PERSON EXISTS IN THE SAME ROOM AS A REGULAR PERSON! WILL THIRTY DAYS POSSIBLY BE ENOUGH TIME TO EXPLORE ALL THE INTRICACIES OF TWO PEOPLE BEING PAID TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM? Also, I keep forgetting whether there's a difference between Morgan Spurlock and Jared from Subway. One of them used to be fat, but the other used to be fat on purpose, to rip the lid off the shocking secret that McDonalds won't tell you -- that it's possible to gain weight if you really try. Gotta go, I hear than on "MythBusters" tonight they're going to see what happens if they smear peanut butter on each other. -- K. I still say the best documentary series on TV in recent years was "NYPD 24/7", at least if you judge TV solely on whether it proves that Jack Webb wasn't the meanest cop in the world. Sure, "Cops" had more beatdowns per hour, but "NYPD 24/7" had more emotional brutality. Oh, and that special twenty years ago where Shatner broke all of James Randi's ribs while trying to contact Houdini's ghost. That was one of the few specials which was "special" in a _special_ way. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Currywurst? Date: Sat, 02 Jul 2005 01:36:49 -0400 [news.yahoo.com] -> -> BERLIN (Reuters) -- A museum devoted to curry-flavored sausage, -> a popular snack known to Germans as currywurst, is set to open -> early next year in Berlin, the head of the museum said Thursday. Oh, Berlin, why must you taunt me by not being within walking distance? -> It was in 1949, in the post-World War II ruins of western -> Berlin's Charlottenburg district, that snack stand owner Herta -> Heuwer first sold her patented curry sausages. I have never heard of currywurst before, but it's got to be delicious. Curry makes anything better. And Germans make everything out of pork, and pork makes anything better. I'll have to ask for currywurst at my local kosher deli. Sure it's pork, but if it's really good, they might have some hidden under the counter. -> The delicacy is typically served smothered in ketchup dusted -> with curry powder and sliced into bite-sized chunks that are -> eaten with a wooden or plastic fork. People who know how to do spicy food right will understand why metal utensils are verboten. Plastic forks and plastic chopsticks are the two greatest inventions since spiced bread. -> "Currywurst is simply cool," museum director Birgit Breloh said -> at a news conference adding she was confident the museum would -> attract 350,000 sausage-loving visitors every year. Okay, here I have to disagree. No matter how yummy a sausage I've never had might be, there's no way a sausage could ever be "cool", even if there were a "Happy Days"/"Goodies" crossover where Fonzie went around beating people over the head with sausage while yelling "ECKY-AYYY-THUMP!" -> The museum will also highlight the historic connections between -> currywurst and the German capital. Never mind that. I'm going to go into the kitchen right now and cook some hot dogs and put my own curry on them. -- K. Really. Right... NOW! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Currywurst? Date: Sun, 03 Jul 2005 05:18:35 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I have never heard of currywurst before, but it's got to be delicious. > > Curry makes anything better. And Germans make everything out of pork, > > and pork makes anything better. > > I've had this in Hamburg. Yeah, well, I've had hamburgers, so we're even. If there were curry-flavored White Castles, I'd win! > It made me lose my monocular, so I'm holding a grudge. Dude, that wasn't a monocular, it was one of those new clear plastic condoms. No wonder it slipped off your face. > I don't remember anything else about it. Like all the best foods, currywurst has magical amnesia powers. -- K. Dammit, I'm gonna put curry on a White Castle right now just to make Baby Ronald McDonald cry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Internet Competency Test. Date: Sat, 02 Jul 2005 09:01:08 -0400 News from the people who brought you the SAT. [www.cnn.com] -> -> New test would measure students' Web wisdom -> -> LONG BEACH, California (AP) -- Students apply to college -> online, e-mail their papers to their professors and, when they -> want to be cheeky, pass notes in class by text-messaging. -> -> But that doesn't necessarily mean they have a high Internet IQ. -> -> "They're real comfortable instant-messaging, downloading MP3 -> files. They're less comfortable using technology in ways that -> require real critical thinking," says Teresa Egan of the -> Educational Testing Service. -> -> Or as Lorie Roth, assistant vice chancellor of academic -> programs at California State University puts it: "Every single -> one that comes through the door thinks that if you just go to -> Google and get some hits -- you've got material for your -> research paper right there." -> -> That's why Cal State and a number of other colleges are working -> with ETS to create a test to evaluate Internet intelligence, -> measuring whether students can locate and verify reliable -> online information and whether they know how to properly use -> and credit the material. I happen to have obtained a sneak preview of this test. You can take it now! It supports a wide range of Web browsers. To start, please select the version that will be compatible with your equipment. THE TEST BEGINS NOW. If you are using a WebTV, | If you are NOT using a WebTV, read down this column. | read down this column. | | Question 1. | Question 1. | Do you know that you just | Do you know how to look stupid stuff up failed this whole test? | on Snopes.com instead of forwarding it? THIS CONCLUDES THE TEST. Your score will now be computed and the results will be sent to the bogus E-mail address you provided whether due to your own ineptness or paranoia. And now, enjoy the remainder of your time in high school! Remember, these are the best years of your life, and we know this because we're adults! NEVER GO AGAINST THE WISDOM OF THE ADULTS. -- K. To comment on my article, mail me your credit card number and a list of which types of porn you wouldn't notice showing up on your bill next month. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Currywurst? Date: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 01:33:39 -0400 DaShaker (Da.Shaker@gmx.de) wrote: > > Well, then, maybe they: > > http://www.wurstflash.de/ > > . . . will accept you as a member. The picture of the giant, faceless currywurst stepping on the tiny buildings is going to visit me in my nightmares. (Last night's involved the Devil taking on the form of grape Twizzlers.) > Actually, the real currywurst afficianados from the Ruhrpott claim that > you get best currywurst from roadside trailer vendors at construction > sites, who also serve other frightening greasy stuff. The currywurst > sauce is kept heated in a cauldron, blubbering away, like a mud hot > spring. The seller skewers the Wurst (which may have been there for > days) on the grill, slices it up, tosses it in a cardboard > coffin-shaped bowl, and smothers it with sauce. Topped off with even > more curry from a big shaker. Pommes mit Mayo on the side . . . > that'll scare the living shit out of your cardiologist. I've never had a cardiologist. Don't need one. That's because I'm immune to all food. (Except cheese.) > Although, I believe D=F6ner joints probably do a bigger turnover in > Germany than currywurst shacks, but that's another story . . . I assume "Dšner" is the German word for "Donair", which is the Canadian word for "Gyros", which is the American word for "Greek sandwich". Let's see, what scary foods do we have where in the USA which you don't have in Germany? Hmm... Did you know our chocolate is made entirely from ear wax? -- K. The best American chocolate is made from goat ear wax, cheap American chocolate just uses regular ear wax. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Currywurst? Date: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 01:47:59 -0400 DaShaker (Da.Shaker@gmx.de) wrote: > > Oh, one more thing . . . currywurst can either be "weiss" (pork) or > "rot" (beef) . . . so a kosher currywurst is definitely possible, > although I can't fathom that it will be replacing other traditional > stables for Seders. In that case, I would prefer the weisswurst. In the USA, it's hard to find frankfurters containing _any_ pork -- the ones sold in supermarkets are usually a mixture of beef, turkey, and "mechanically separated chicken" (which means whole chickens walk into a big machine, and sausage comes out the other side.) The high-quality frankfurters are the kosher all-beef ones, but what I always want are pork frankfurters made with the quality of the kosher ones. But the only pork sausage I ever see here is the greasy black-pepper-and-sage- flavored "breakfast sausage". I want a pork sausage that's good 24 hours a day. I did find one brand of gourmet all-natural sausage which is all pork (with cranberries and orange peel) and it's delicious, but expensive. And I do see real weisswurst in supermarkets from time to time, but I'm always scared to try it because it's probably made from bleached chicken feathers and non-dairy coffee whitener. I keep thinking I should just buy some meat and a grinder and learn to make my own sausage. I have a catalog for mail-ordering all the equipment, and the recipes seem pretty easy, but I'm not sure I want to be the sort of person who makes his own sausage. I'd rather be one of those people who makes his own light bulbs. -- K. There are fireworks shaped like ":-)" exploding outside my window right now. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Currywurst? Date: Thu, 07 Jul 2005 05:37:18 -0400 Daniel Edwards (edwardsdp@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Important German Food Disclaimer: > > "Weisswurst" (when not referred to in a curry context) is very different > from regular pork sausage. It's a Bavarian sausage which is ONLY EATEN > IN THE MORNING. Apparently, they go into hiding every day at noon, only > to emerge at 9:00 the next morning. > > Other important German Weisswurst Rules: > 1. Cook by boiling only. NO GRILLING. > 2. You have to peel off the skin. > 3. You're supposed to eat it with a specific kind of mustard. And with > pretzels. > 4. No more than 2 beers. It's only 10 in the morning, after all. Oh. So can you please draw me a diagram of all the different types of whitish German sausage with notations as to which ones I can call weisswurst and which are just white wurst, and which times of day which colors are poisonous? > Also, it may contain BRANES. And no pork. Brains? That would be a nevertime snack, then. -- K. I'd rather eat a wraith than a mind flayer any day. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Russian depression therapy in Africa Date: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 02:12:10 -0400 [www.irinnews.org] -> -> BOTSWANA: Public flogging causes outrage -> -> (This report does not necessarily reflect the views of the -> United Nations) Wait, stop, stop. I'm not all that interested in whatever's happening in Botswana, but I gotta know what the views of the United Nations on public flogging are, and why they don't want to take a stand one way or the other. Flogging is not a matter to be wishy-washy on! Either you like it or you don't! If you don't know whether you approve of flogging, there's something wrong with you, and you should be flogged until you make up your mind! -> GABORONE, 4 Jul 2005 (IRIN) -- Two weeks ago Tebogo Malete -> was publicly flogged at a traditional court in Old Naledi, a -> village southeast of the Botswana's capital, Gaborone; a -> photograph of his punishment was published in the weekly -> newspaper, The Midweek Sun. -> -> Malete, 27, a petty thief, had been sentenced to five lashes -> for housebreaking at the customary court presided over by the -> village headman. The humiliating newspaper photo showed him -> with his pants down and a police officer using a lash on his -> bare buttocks, sparking outrage in human rights circles. You can be lashed for "housebreaking"? POOR SPOT!!! If he pees on his owner's sofa, he'll be yelled at, but if he goes outside, he'll be lashed! Now he'll just have to hold it in until he explodes, unless there's some even worse punishment for exploding! -> In reaction, the government has issued a ban on the public -> flogging of convicted petty criminals by customary courts, but -> has refused to outlaw such punishment, attracting wide -> condemnation from human rights groups. -> -> Ketsile Rathedi, the director of Tribal Administration -> responsible for the administration of justice in customary -> courts, held a meeting with all customary court presidents to -> caution them on the matter. -> -> "It is disrespectful to expose someone's nakedness," said -> Rathedi. "I don't know how the picture was taken in the first -> place ... The procedure is that criminals should be flogged in -> private -- it's degrading to expose people like that." Oh, I see. So torture is okay, it's just photojournalists that are evil. -> Rathedi said petty criminals would now be flogged in private -> offices, with only the accused and a police officer present to -> "avoid peeping Thomases", and added that Malete's pictures -> reflected badly on Botswana's image. You want to avoid helping those peeping Thomases to stroke their Richards. -> "Even though it is part of corporal punishment, other countries -> may think negatively of us and say we are brutal," he said. Hmm, how can Botswana torture people without being brutal about it? I suppose the guy with the whip could wear a wacky clown mask while wacky clown music plays. That way it wouldn't be brutal, it'd just be not funny! -> [...] -> -> In March Botswana amended the law, which now allows female -> petty criminals to be flogged. By a woman, or by a man? This is important. -> [...] -> -> Botswana has argued that flogging reduces overcrowding in its -> prisons. But is it worth the trade-off of increasing the amount of petty theft committed by masochists? I heard lots of depressed Russians are moving to Botswana, the masochist's Utopia. -> With 6,160 inmates, Botswana has almost double the number of -> prisoners its jails have been designed to hold. Oh boo hoo, six THOUSAND inmates. Here in the USA, we have that many on every city block (now that we've set up a privately-run prison underneath every Starbucks.) We not only have over 400,000,000,000,000,000 inmates here, you never hear about us torturing any of them, because our government has cleverly gotten slightly more brutal at our prisons in Iraq and Cuba to make people not notice all those screams coming from every Starbucks. -- K. How can any theft in Botswana NOT be petty theft? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Molly Ivins makes the Baby Jesus cry Date: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 03:37:28 -0400 rone (^*&#$@ennui.org) wrote: > > [www.sacbee.com] > -> > -> In reporting on Christmastime USO tours, one television network > -> happily announced, "Wayne Newton is the new Bob Hope." I would > -> comment, but I'm still speechless. > > Wayne Newton is starting to look more and more like a Mme. Tussaud > wax statue. Maybe the terrible truth is that his wax statue came to > life, killed him, and replaced him. THE WAX STATUES HAVE BEEN POSSESSED > BY THETANS! AND THEY'RE COMING TO KILL KATIE HOLMES!! Stop trying to troll me that in the new "Doctor Who" he'll be attacked my a Madame Tussad's wax mannequin of David Beckham. I heard those rumors a skillion times before the series started, and I still don't believe them, especially because they turned out not to be true. Also, don't try to convince me that there will ever be an episode where a leatherman kisses the Doctor on the lips. That could NEVER happen on "Doctor Who"! -- K. But given that Wayne Newton was in a James Bond movie, does this mean there's a lost James Bond movie where Sean Connery kills Bob Hope? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kobayashi Takeru up close and personal Date: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 05:18:24 -0400 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I am disappointed that Kobayashi Takeru's fifth consecutive victory in > the Coney Island hot-dog eating contest did not get the coverage it > deserves. What Kobayashi deserved -- no, what we all deserved -- was a > deadpan ABC Olympics-style hagiography with vaseline on the lens and all > the trimmings. He deserved a chance to stand on a pedestal and cry to > the Japanese national anthem and tell us how he feels right now. How > will I learn what kind of family, philosophy, and work ethic I need to > grow up to be a legend who changes the world of sport forever? Where > can I go to find out whether Kobayashi had a favorite uncle whose death > deeply affected him when he was twelve years old? (Actually, I think > most everyone would be deeply affected by their own death, with me as an > exception -- I can't suddenly die because I've been coasting to an > excruciatingly slow stop for about the last five years -- but never > mind, that's off topic.) Please, television, my heart-strings ache for > your rough handling! He at least deserves a cameo in the sequel to "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story" like that guy who got cancer just so he could sell rubber bands to people. (I heard that if you don't snap one of those rubber bands against your wrist REALLY HARD every hour, someone dies of cancer.) You'd think pushing Buzz off the ladder to be the first man on the Moon would be good enough, but no, he has to go on to corner the rubber-band market between the ones he sells and the cheap imitations of them everyone else sells so that people can wear one without having to give any money to charity. However, Kobayashi-san is one of those Japanese guys with bleached hair. Canary yellow bleached hair, no less. This is going to limit which roles he can take in movies -- at least Japanese movies -- because everyone who's seen plenty of Japanese movies knows that every Yakuza family contains one guy in a black leather suit, one guy in a brown leather suit, one guy in a white leather suit, one guy in a shiny silver suit, one guy in a suit with giant Gomez Addams pinstripes, and one really dangerous psycho who has yellow hair, a maroon trenchcoat, a lime green frilly shirt, fluorescent turquoise spats, and no Tardis. Maybe this explains why he keeps winning these eating contests -- the other contestants see him coming and dive under the table expecting him to make garden hoses of stage blood appear behind each of their heads. The question is, do any of these eating contests involve knives? If so, they could turn into Sabu films so easily -- his films always begin with some little crime which goes wrong in a wacky way, launching about eight intersecting plots all revolving around the main character running through lots of alleys with a bloody butcher knife, before getting weird at the end. (See "Dangan Runner" if you don't believe me that Sabu has a fetish for people running through alleys. It's like if Benny Hill drank a cup of adrenaline.) Or if, after eating all those hot dogs, we get to see him sitting on the toilet a lot, then his life is a Takashi Miike movie, and he'll probably move on to some eating contest where he has sex with the corpses of the relatives he's eating, or whatever he can think of that's grosser than that. (Don't eat the chicken congee -- or anything involving milk -- if the film is "Gozu", and for fuck's sake don't eat anything if it's "Visitor Q".) -- K. (Shrimp tempura is iffy.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Electric underpants in the news Date: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 11:31:11 -0400 Seen on Fark.com just now. [www.guardian.co.uk] -> -> Man used electric underpants 'to fake heart attack' Women, on the other hand, use electric underpanties. -> David Ward -> Tuesday July 5, 2005 -> Guardian -> -> A judge yesterday threw out a claim by a man who, the court -> heard, used "electric underpants" to give himself fake heart -> attack symptoms. Now, see, if I were "Mr. Show With Bob And David", I'd have to blurt out, "Hey, who wants two tickets to hear The Electric Underwear perform tonight?" and then there would be a seamless segue to some other sketch about Louis Farrakhan fighting Batman in outer space while gay, or something. But I'm not "Mr. Show With Bob And David" -- I'm not even "Mr. Show With Bob Or David". I'm just a guy who's reading an article about a guy wearing a shocking pink thong that's shocking in three different ways. -> Marcus Danquah, 41, of Kirton Lindsey, Lincolnshire, had sought -> up to 300,000 pounds in damages after claiming that a wrongly -> wired 34.50 Morphy Richards 42400 Comfi Grip iron gave him a -> heart attack. -> -> But the company alleged that he had wired the iron so that it -> became live and would give an electric shock to anyone who -> touched it. It also claims that he used the "amps-in-his pants" -> device in his underwear to create false reading on a hospital -> heart monitor. Aside from the odd hyphenation, I would like to know more about the "amps-in-his pants" device. (a) Wouldn't the doctors notice? (b) Why would they attach the electrocardiograph wires to his crotch? (c) Aren't heart attacks best simulated by the absence of electrical signals? (d) How does one send enough electrical current through the chest to simulate the heart fibrillating without making the heart fibrillate? (e) What type of device was this? How many amps, volts, and hertz? What waveform? Did he use an adequate amount of electrode gel? (f) Where did he stick the 9-volt battery? (g) Don't hospitals make you take off your underpants once in a while, such as to take rectal probe readings? (h) Boxers or briefs? (i) Private hospital or National 'Ealth? -> When Mr Danquah said he was ill in hospital and failed to turn -> up for yesterday's hearing at Birmingham county court, Judge -> Donald Hamilton threw out his claim, which dates back almost -> six years, and ordered him to pay substantial costs. But he -> said Mr Danquah might be able to make his claim again if he -> explained his absence from court. Also he has to take off his underwear next time he cries "Wolf!" -> The court had heard that Mr Danquah's wife, Joanne, 32, found -> him collapsed in their kitchen the morning after he bought the -> iron in October 1999. He ran up 18,000 pounds in legal bills -> before he parted with his solicitors. Mr Danquah has since -> fought the case himself and may lose his home. -> -> Morphy Richards' barrister, Howard Stevens, made an application -> for costs "because this claim was of the most dubious nature." -> -> Judge Hamilton said that Mr Danquah had not provided a -> consistent account of what happened with the iron. "Your honor, the iron swerved to hit me! Also, I cannot be held responsible for filing this bogus lawsuit because the iron gave me an electric shock which caused me to become stupid!" -> "This has to be taken into account along with the evidence of -> the defence," he added. "The defence case is most unusual in -> that they claimed Mr Danquah attempted to defraud them. -> -> "The iron was ... liable to give anyone who touched it an -> electric shock. They say it was OK when it was sold and it had -> been interfered with afterwards. He is a alarm engineer with -> some experience in dealing with wiring. One would think that if he were a GOOD sleazy alarm engineer he'd be able to think of an easier way to steal lots of money from buildings which have alarm systems he had installed. Unless he's such a doofus that he can't even get past one of his own alarm systems. -> "The claimant was taken to Lincoln hospital and was put on an -> electrocardiogram which might have suggested that he suffered -> a heart attack." -> -> The judge said that Morphy Richards claimed Mr Danquah had -> interfered with the equipment with the help of a hidden device. -> "They say it was hidden in his underpants and that the claimant -> referred to this device as his 'electric underpants'. I hear that if you're wearing electric underpants, you have an orgasm whenever anyone uses a microwave oven, unless you're also wearing an aluminum foil pirate hat. -> "The defence included evidence from an eminent cardiologist who -> said that the results in the hospital were produced as a result -> of interference. Some numerous other experts and factual -> witnesses have said that the entire claim is a sham." I can just imagine this guy in the hospital bed. The nurse turns her back for a second and he presses his thermometer against the nearest light bulb to rack up a core body temperature of five hundred degrees. Also, the urine sample he provides proves he's a pregnant cat. -> The judge said solicitors had received a document late on -> Sunday from Mr Danquah in which he said he had been admitted to -> hospital with depression and chest pains. "The preparation of -> that document at that hour suggests to me that Mr Danquah is -> not unwell." -> -> He added: "In my judgment Mr Stevens' [the barrister's] -> application is well founded." NEVER MIND THAT! TELL US WHAT THE DEAL WAS WITH THE ALLEGEDLY ELECTRIC UNDERPANTS! -> Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005 ARGH! STUPID NEWSPAPER! YOU GO BACK AND DO THIS ARTICLE OVER UNTIL WE READERS HAVE ENOUGH INFORMATION TO RE-ENACT THIS SCAM! -- K. The hospital staff knew something was odd about him when he did the Uncle Fester trick, but with the light bulb up his ass. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: rejected story ideas. Date: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 13:09:15 -0400 So I know I promised to post a new work of fiction-like text around the first of every month, and this month's is late, but that's because I've had a few false starts. First I was going to do a story titled "Einstein Is The World's Skankiest Ho", in which a newspaper photo of a hooker gets smudged in printing so as to look exactly like Albert Einstein, and then hilarity would have ensued. But I really couldn't make that premise go anywhere. Besides, I don't think anyone would take me seriously if I used the phrase "skanky ho" in a sentence. Everybody knows I don't use slang. (I only use brand-new neologisms.) Then my next idea was "Einstein Is A Sociopath", in which someone falsely accuses Einstein of being a sociopath, and so to prove he isn't, he invents a pill that turns him into a sociopath to show people the difference. Problem is that sociopaths aren't interesting to write about 'cause sociopaths have no idea how to be entertaining. Best I could do was to have him casually yank away Charlie Brown's football to use in a science experiment, causing Charlie Brown to yell "YOU'RE A SOCIOPATH, ALBERT EINSTEIN!" But, like golf, sociopathy is only fun when you're actually doing it, not when you're reading about it. Anyway, just now, I had the idea for a story I'm going to write in the next few days. It's... well... pretty extreme. I'm warning you in advance because (a) I don't want to hear any complaints that it was late, and (b) you really aren't going to want to have read it by the time you get to the end. It may be short, but it'll go to a very disturbing place, possibly ruining Einstein in your mind forever, which would be fine by me anyway. He shouldn't keep begging to be in my stories. I'm looking forward to seeing how Einstein resolves the ethical dilemma I'm going to give him, and he's not allowed to resolve it by becoming a sociopath or a skanky ho. If anyone in my fiction ever gets to be a sociopath, it's going to be an elderly barber who carries scissors on the subway so he can cut off hippies' ponytails. -- K. If that guy sneaks up on you, just let him finish snipping away -- you don't want to say "CUT IT OUT!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Rut-Row Date: Thu, 07 Jul 2005 05:59:20 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Hey, did you hear about the experiment over the weekend to shoot an 800 lb > projectile into the comet Tempel 1? Well, I got the real scoop from some > guy in my office with his feet propped up. It goes something like this: > > "There's a comet headed straight for Earth - scientists have known about > it for years. You better go to church every Sunday for when it comes. NASA > did this experiment to see if they could deflect a comet from its path. It > didn't work." So is going to church supposed to prevent the comet from hitting the Earth, or does it just deflect the comet so that it hits on whichever side of the Earth has the fewest prayers said on it, or does God just want to destroy the Earth with his silly comet because he can't think of any better way to figure out who's been praying at him? I am currently having my own theological crisis. I'm in the middle of my best game of Nethack ever, with 314 hit points and ten million experience points, wielding the blessed rustproof +5 Mjollnir, and I've reached the point where my god (Crom, because I play as a neutral Barbarian) has run out of gifts to give me when I sacrifice large animals -- I've gotten more magical weapons than I can carry, he's granted me the "gift of protection" so many times I have an armor class of -25, so about all he does now is chuck spellbooks at me, and I have no use for spellbooks (a Barbarian with armor class -25 _really_ can't cast spells), and to add insult to annoyance, he doesn't even give me spellbooks for spells I don't already know. But the odd thing is that now when I sacrifice animals, I no longer get "You glimpse a four-leafed clover at your feet" if I have maneuvered Crom into a state of readiness to bless me again. I get "You have a hopeful feeling" as usual during the preparations, but then once he's ready, I get no feedback. The rules seem to work the same, I just don't hallucinate fucking clovers on my shoes any more. So what gives? The game really becomes much easier once you genocide the classes of R's and T's. Some of the h's have to go, too. The hard part is surviving long enough to eat that yummy tengu so that you can teleport big heavy corpses onto the altar whenever you want. Hey, home come my local supermarket doesn't sell frozen tengu? I want more tengu in my diet. And a bottle of carbonated floating eye juice. -- K. I already have the gauntlets of power. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You WILL DANCE, FUCKER Date: Thu, 07 Jul 2005 06:18:08 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > You may or may not have seen commercials for places wherin you build > your own Teddy Bear. > > Beware. > > They will BROWBEAT you into doing strange little dances for your bear. But at least they don't make people wear silly little pirate hats. > No, I have not set foot into such a place. You see, over in the > customers_suck community in Livejournal.com occasionally one will > get a story from a bear-place employee. There will be the usual > 'Someone was rude for no reason/screaming kids' story. Typical stuff. > > But the bear place employees are SPECIAL. > > They will be pissed off that some people just want the bear and don't > want the dance. And if you dare suggest not browbeating the customers, > you will be hissed at like a vampire encountering a sunbeam Dude, the bear community wouldn't be so rude to you if you put one of those bear pride patches on your pirate hat. For further details on the horrors of Build-A-Bear Workshop, I will refer you to my article of about two and a half years ago: //////////// RE-RUN BEGINS //////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cube. (Revised with more lemony kontext) Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 03:53:35 -0500 Ricky Morse (rem14@cornell.edu) wrote: > > [...] > > Note to self: context bad, as it seems to prevent followups... So I was at the shopping mall yesterday, because I thought that would be more fun than going to the learning mall or the vivisection mall, and I had my laptop with me so I typed up the following file named "dumb things at the mall": -> FlipBook: World History: From Homo Sapiens Until Today -> -> ePregnancy magazine -> -> bear-a-phernalia at Build-A-Bear Workshop The first two were in the front half of a bookstore (the front half is where the bad books are.) I was delighted to find out that those darn Homo Sapiens were extinct (probably because they couldn't breed, and I guess they didn't have an adequate recruiting budget) and that you could now be pregnant on the Internet even though very few Web sites stay around for a full nine months. The third was a sign which said "BEAR-A-PHERNALIA" in wacky letters at Build-A-Bear Workshop, which is, I am not making this up, a store which sells limp, gutless teddy bears that you have to shove fiberglas into yourself. They even have a book you can look in to see what names you can give the bear! I was going to buy a bear but the book didn't have a listing for the name I wanted, so I went to Sears and shopped for a rivet gun. Neither store was fun, but if they combined them into "Rivet-A-Bear Workshop", that might be good. Also the book of names for riveted bears could be titled "From Homo Sapiens Until ePregnancy". -- K. One wonders how many people it took to think up the word "bear-a-phernalia". (I am assuming it was thought up, and not just a spelling error. But that could be a stupid assumption. I guess I'm not smart enough to appreciate "bear-a-phernalia"!) //////////// RE-RUN ENDS ////////////////////////////////////////////// I'm still waiting for "CSI" to do an episode where they have to solve several unrelated, simultaneous murders in Build-A-Bear Workshop -- there are so many great places for them to discover corpses. Like, there could be a guy inside the big tank of fluff, and another one impaled on that fluff-blowing hose you have to shove up your bear's butt, and there could be another corpse at the bottom of one of those bins of bear pelts, and one last corpse could be crammed into one of those little house-shaped cardboard boxes the finished bears go in. Of course, half the episode would have to consist of Grissom watching a midget dominatrix trying on all the little plastic teddies they sell for the teddies in an effort to find out which particular fetish inevitably lead to multiple murder in Build-A-Bear Workshop. There would be much footage of bears being dissected with tweezers and dialogue like, "Something just doesn't add up -- nobody would put toenail polish on their bear before stuffing it!" Also, the guy with the messy hair would keep mentioning that he sleeps with a teddy bear with way too much emphasis on the word "sleeps" and nobody would catch on until Grissom catches him drilling a hole in Paddington and has to reassign him to work on a different multiple murder. -- K. "Now let's measure the length of the teddy bear's DNA with this Hewlett-Packard Bear-O-Tron..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can't sleep, hurricane will eat me Date: Thu, 07 Jul 2005 06:29:00 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > Much like Florida weather stations, I have learned nothing from last > year's hurricanes. Since Dennis will in most likelyhood, push me down > and shoot me in the face until I die, Kibo can have my comics Oh, goody. Then I can set up my own card table at the flea market to attempt to sell elderly people "X-Men" spin-offs for 50c each. Got any "Little Dot"? I am fascinated by the semiotics of "Little Dot". For decades, I have been trying to determine where the entertainment in "Little Dot" is, but I have as yet been unable to construct a straight line to go with her only punch line: Why did the chicken cross the road? So it could draw dots on it. What has eighteen legs and flies? Something with dots drawn on it. Why did the little moron throw the clock out the window? So she could draw dots on something. Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? Dots. And heaven help us if Little Billy from "The Family Circus" ever wanders through Little Dot's house, leading to a horrible explosion of dotted lines ensnaring the entire neighborhood in a Sargasso-like morass of squiggly staccatation. -- K. I'm holding out for "Little Death Dot".