From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Currywurst? Date: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 01:33:39 -0400 DaShaker (Da.Shaker@gmx.de) wrote: > > Well, then, maybe they: > > http://www.wurstflash.de/ > > . . . will accept you as a member. The picture of the giant, faceless currywurst stepping on the tiny buildings is going to visit me in my nightmares. (Last night's involved the Devil taking on the form of grape Twizzlers.) > Actually, the real currywurst afficianados from the Ruhrpott claim that > you get best currywurst from roadside trailer vendors at construction > sites, who also serve other frightening greasy stuff. The currywurst > sauce is kept heated in a cauldron, blubbering away, like a mud hot > spring. The seller skewers the Wurst (which may have been there for > days) on the grill, slices it up, tosses it in a cardboard > coffin-shaped bowl, and smothers it with sauce. Topped off with even > more curry from a big shaker. Pommes mit Mayo on the side . . . > that'll scare the living shit out of your cardiologist. I've never had a cardiologist. Don't need one. That's because I'm immune to all food. (Except cheese.) > Although, I believe D=F6ner joints probably do a bigger turnover in > Germany than currywurst shacks, but that's another story . . . I assume "Dšner" is the German word for "Donair", which is the Canadian word for "Gyros", which is the American word for "Greek sandwich". Let's see, what scary foods do we have where in the USA which you don't have in Germany? Hmm... Did you know our chocolate is made entirely from ear wax? -- K. The best American chocolate is made from goat ear wax, cheap American chocolate just uses regular ear wax. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Currywurst? Date: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 01:47:59 -0400 DaShaker (Da.Shaker@gmx.de) wrote: > > Oh, one more thing . . . currywurst can either be "weiss" (pork) or > "rot" (beef) . . . so a kosher currywurst is definitely possible, > although I can't fathom that it will be replacing other traditional > stables for Seders. In that case, I would prefer the weisswurst. In the USA, it's hard to find frankfurters containing _any_ pork -- the ones sold in supermarkets are usually a mixture of beef, turkey, and "mechanically separated chicken" (which means whole chickens walk into a big machine, and sausage comes out the other side.) The high-quality frankfurters are the kosher all-beef ones, but what I always want are pork frankfurters made with the quality of the kosher ones. But the only pork sausage I ever see here is the greasy black-pepper-and-sage- flavored "breakfast sausage". I want a pork sausage that's good 24 hours a day. I did find one brand of gourmet all-natural sausage which is all pork (with cranberries and orange peel) and it's delicious, but expensive. And I do see real weisswurst in supermarkets from time to time, but I'm always scared to try it because it's probably made from bleached chicken feathers and non-dairy coffee whitener. I keep thinking I should just buy some meat and a grinder and learn to make my own sausage. I have a catalog for mail-ordering all the equipment, and the recipes seem pretty easy, but I'm not sure I want to be the sort of person who makes his own sausage. I'd rather be one of those people who makes his own light bulbs. -- K. There are fireworks shaped like ":-)" exploding outside my window right now. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Currywurst? Date: Thu, 07 Jul 2005 05:37:18 -0400 Daniel Edwards (edwardsdp@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Important German Food Disclaimer: > > "Weisswurst" (when not referred to in a curry context) is very different > from regular pork sausage. It's a Bavarian sausage which is ONLY EATEN > IN THE MORNING. Apparently, they go into hiding every day at noon, only > to emerge at 9:00 the next morning. > > Other important German Weisswurst Rules: > 1. Cook by boiling only. NO GRILLING. > 2. You have to peel off the skin. > 3. You're supposed to eat it with a specific kind of mustard. And with > pretzels. > 4. No more than 2 beers. It's only 10 in the morning, after all. Oh. So can you please draw me a diagram of all the different types of whitish German sausage with notations as to which ones I can call weisswurst and which are just white wurst, and which times of day which colors are poisonous? > Also, it may contain BRANES. And no pork. Brains? That would be a nevertime snack, then. -- K. I'd rather eat a wraith than a mind flayer any day. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Russian depression therapy in Africa Date: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 02:12:10 -0400 [www.irinnews.org] -> -> BOTSWANA: Public flogging causes outrage -> -> (This report does not necessarily reflect the views of the -> United Nations) Wait, stop, stop. I'm not all that interested in whatever's happening in Botswana, but I gotta know what the views of the United Nations on public flogging are, and why they don't want to take a stand one way or the other. Flogging is not a matter to be wishy-washy on! Either you like it or you don't! If you don't know whether you approve of flogging, there's something wrong with you, and you should be flogged until you make up your mind! -> GABORONE, 4 Jul 2005 (IRIN) -- Two weeks ago Tebogo Malete -> was publicly flogged at a traditional court in Old Naledi, a -> village southeast of the Botswana's capital, Gaborone; a -> photograph of his punishment was published in the weekly -> newspaper, The Midweek Sun. -> -> Malete, 27, a petty thief, had been sentenced to five lashes -> for housebreaking at the customary court presided over by the -> village headman. The humiliating newspaper photo showed him -> with his pants down and a police officer using a lash on his -> bare buttocks, sparking outrage in human rights circles. You can be lashed for "housebreaking"? POOR SPOT!!! If he pees on his owner's sofa, he'll be yelled at, but if he goes outside, he'll be lashed! Now he'll just have to hold it in until he explodes, unless there's some even worse punishment for exploding! -> In reaction, the government has issued a ban on the public -> flogging of convicted petty criminals by customary courts, but -> has refused to outlaw such punishment, attracting wide -> condemnation from human rights groups. -> -> Ketsile Rathedi, the director of Tribal Administration -> responsible for the administration of justice in customary -> courts, held a meeting with all customary court presidents to -> caution them on the matter. -> -> "It is disrespectful to expose someone's nakedness," said -> Rathedi. "I don't know how the picture was taken in the first -> place ... The procedure is that criminals should be flogged in -> private -- it's degrading to expose people like that." Oh, I see. So torture is okay, it's just photojournalists that are evil. -> Rathedi said petty criminals would now be flogged in private -> offices, with only the accused and a police officer present to -> "avoid peeping Thomases", and added that Malete's pictures -> reflected badly on Botswana's image. You want to avoid helping those peeping Thomases to stroke their Richards. -> "Even though it is part of corporal punishment, other countries -> may think negatively of us and say we are brutal," he said. Hmm, how can Botswana torture people without being brutal about it? I suppose the guy with the whip could wear a wacky clown mask while wacky clown music plays. That way it wouldn't be brutal, it'd just be not funny! -> [...] -> -> In March Botswana amended the law, which now allows female -> petty criminals to be flogged. By a woman, or by a man? This is important. -> [...] -> -> Botswana has argued that flogging reduces overcrowding in its -> prisons. But is it worth the trade-off of increasing the amount of petty theft committed by masochists? I heard lots of depressed Russians are moving to Botswana, the masochist's Utopia. -> With 6,160 inmates, Botswana has almost double the number of -> prisoners its jails have been designed to hold. Oh boo hoo, six THOUSAND inmates. Here in the USA, we have that many on every city block (now that we've set up a privately-run prison underneath every Starbucks.) We not only have over 400,000,000,000,000,000 inmates here, you never hear about us torturing any of them, because our government has cleverly gotten slightly more brutal at our prisons in Iraq and Cuba to make people not notice all those screams coming from every Starbucks. -- K. How can any theft in Botswana NOT be petty theft? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Molly Ivins makes the Baby Jesus cry Date: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 03:37:28 -0400 rone (^*&#$@ennui.org) wrote: > > [www.sacbee.com] > -> > -> In reporting on Christmastime USO tours, one television network > -> happily announced, "Wayne Newton is the new Bob Hope." I would > -> comment, but I'm still speechless. > > Wayne Newton is starting to look more and more like a Mme. Tussaud > wax statue. Maybe the terrible truth is that his wax statue came to > life, killed him, and replaced him. THE WAX STATUES HAVE BEEN POSSESSED > BY THETANS! AND THEY'RE COMING TO KILL KATIE HOLMES!! Stop trying to troll me that in the new "Doctor Who" he'll be attacked my a Madame Tussad's wax mannequin of David Beckham. I heard those rumors a skillion times before the series started, and I still don't believe them, especially because they turned out not to be true. Also, don't try to convince me that there will ever be an episode where a leatherman kisses the Doctor on the lips. That could NEVER happen on "Doctor Who"! -- K. But given that Wayne Newton was in a James Bond movie, does this mean there's a lost James Bond movie where Sean Connery kills Bob Hope? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kobayashi Takeru up close and personal Date: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 05:18:24 -0400 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I am disappointed that Kobayashi Takeru's fifth consecutive victory in > the Coney Island hot-dog eating contest did not get the coverage it > deserves. What Kobayashi deserved -- no, what we all deserved -- was a > deadpan ABC Olympics-style hagiography with vaseline on the lens and all > the trimmings. He deserved a chance to stand on a pedestal and cry to > the Japanese national anthem and tell us how he feels right now. How > will I learn what kind of family, philosophy, and work ethic I need to > grow up to be a legend who changes the world of sport forever? Where > can I go to find out whether Kobayashi had a favorite uncle whose death > deeply affected him when he was twelve years old? (Actually, I think > most everyone would be deeply affected by their own death, with me as an > exception -- I can't suddenly die because I've been coasting to an > excruciatingly slow stop for about the last five years -- but never > mind, that's off topic.) Please, television, my heart-strings ache for > your rough handling! He at least deserves a cameo in the sequel to "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story" like that guy who got cancer just so he could sell rubber bands to people. (I heard that if you don't snap one of those rubber bands against your wrist REALLY HARD every hour, someone dies of cancer.) You'd think pushing Buzz off the ladder to be the first man on the Moon would be good enough, but no, he has to go on to corner the rubber-band market between the ones he sells and the cheap imitations of them everyone else sells so that people can wear one without having to give any money to charity. However, Kobayashi-san is one of those Japanese guys with bleached hair. Canary yellow bleached hair, no less. This is going to limit which roles he can take in movies -- at least Japanese movies -- because everyone who's seen plenty of Japanese movies knows that every Yakuza family contains one guy in a black leather suit, one guy in a brown leather suit, one guy in a white leather suit, one guy in a shiny silver suit, one guy in a suit with giant Gomez Addams pinstripes, and one really dangerous psycho who has yellow hair, a maroon trenchcoat, a lime green frilly shirt, fluorescent turquoise spats, and no Tardis. Maybe this explains why he keeps winning these eating contests -- the other contestants see him coming and dive under the table expecting him to make garden hoses of stage blood appear behind each of their heads. The question is, do any of these eating contests involve knives? If so, they could turn into Sabu films so easily -- his films always begin with some little crime which goes wrong in a wacky way, launching about eight intersecting plots all revolving around the main character running through lots of alleys with a bloody butcher knife, before getting weird at the end. (See "Dangan Runner" if you don't believe me that Sabu has a fetish for people running through alleys. It's like if Benny Hill drank a cup of adrenaline.) Or if, after eating all those hot dogs, we get to see him sitting on the toilet a lot, then his life is a Takashi Miike movie, and he'll probably move on to some eating contest where he has sex with the corpses of the relatives he's eating, or whatever he can think of that's grosser than that. (Don't eat the chicken congee -- or anything involving milk -- if the film is "Gozu", and for fuck's sake don't eat anything if it's "Visitor Q".) -- K. (Shrimp tempura is iffy.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Electric underpants in the news Date: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 11:31:11 -0400 Seen on Fark.com just now. [www.guardian.co.uk] -> -> Man used electric underpants 'to fake heart attack' Women, on the other hand, use electric underpanties. -> David Ward -> Tuesday July 5, 2005 -> Guardian -> -> A judge yesterday threw out a claim by a man who, the court -> heard, used "electric underpants" to give himself fake heart -> attack symptoms. Now, see, if I were "Mr. Show With Bob And David", I'd have to blurt out, "Hey, who wants two tickets to hear The Electric Underwear perform tonight?" and then there would be a seamless segue to some other sketch about Louis Farrakhan fighting Batman in outer space while gay, or something. But I'm not "Mr. Show With Bob And David" -- I'm not even "Mr. Show With Bob Or David". I'm just a guy who's reading an article about a guy wearing a shocking pink thong that's shocking in three different ways. -> Marcus Danquah, 41, of Kirton Lindsey, Lincolnshire, had sought -> up to 300,000 pounds in damages after claiming that a wrongly -> wired 34.50 Morphy Richards 42400 Comfi Grip iron gave him a -> heart attack. -> -> But the company alleged that he had wired the iron so that it -> became live and would give an electric shock to anyone who -> touched it. It also claims that he used the "amps-in-his pants" -> device in his underwear to create false reading on a hospital -> heart monitor. Aside from the odd hyphenation, I would like to know more about the "amps-in-his pants" device. (a) Wouldn't the doctors notice? (b) Why would they attach the electrocardiograph wires to his crotch? (c) Aren't heart attacks best simulated by the absence of electrical signals? (d) How does one send enough electrical current through the chest to simulate the heart fibrillating without making the heart fibrillate? (e) What type of device was this? How many amps, volts, and hertz? What waveform? Did he use an adequate amount of electrode gel? (f) Where did he stick the 9-volt battery? (g) Don't hospitals make you take off your underpants once in a while, such as to take rectal probe readings? (h) Boxers or briefs? (i) Private hospital or National 'Ealth? -> When Mr Danquah said he was ill in hospital and failed to turn -> up for yesterday's hearing at Birmingham county court, Judge -> Donald Hamilton threw out his claim, which dates back almost -> six years, and ordered him to pay substantial costs. But he -> said Mr Danquah might be able to make his claim again if he -> explained his absence from court. Also he has to take off his underwear next time he cries "Wolf!" -> The court had heard that Mr Danquah's wife, Joanne, 32, found -> him collapsed in their kitchen the morning after he bought the -> iron in October 1999. He ran up 18,000 pounds in legal bills -> before he parted with his solicitors. Mr Danquah has since -> fought the case himself and may lose his home. -> -> Morphy Richards' barrister, Howard Stevens, made an application -> for costs "because this claim was of the most dubious nature." -> -> Judge Hamilton said that Mr Danquah had not provided a -> consistent account of what happened with the iron. "Your honor, the iron swerved to hit me! Also, I cannot be held responsible for filing this bogus lawsuit because the iron gave me an electric shock which caused me to become stupid!" -> "This has to be taken into account along with the evidence of -> the defence," he added. "The defence case is most unusual in -> that they claimed Mr Danquah attempted to defraud them. -> -> "The iron was ... liable to give anyone who touched it an -> electric shock. They say it was OK when it was sold and it had -> been interfered with afterwards. He is a alarm engineer with -> some experience in dealing with wiring. One would think that if he were a GOOD sleazy alarm engineer he'd be able to think of an easier way to steal lots of money from buildings which have alarm systems he had installed. Unless he's such a doofus that he can't even get past one of his own alarm systems. -> "The claimant was taken to Lincoln hospital and was put on an -> electrocardiogram which might have suggested that he suffered -> a heart attack." -> -> The judge said that Morphy Richards claimed Mr Danquah had -> interfered with the equipment with the help of a hidden device. -> "They say it was hidden in his underpants and that the claimant -> referred to this device as his 'electric underpants'. I hear that if you're wearing electric underpants, you have an orgasm whenever anyone uses a microwave oven, unless you're also wearing an aluminum foil pirate hat. -> "The defence included evidence from an eminent cardiologist who -> said that the results in the hospital were produced as a result -> of interference. Some numerous other experts and factual -> witnesses have said that the entire claim is a sham." I can just imagine this guy in the hospital bed. The nurse turns her back for a second and he presses his thermometer against the nearest light bulb to rack up a core body temperature of five hundred degrees. Also, the urine sample he provides proves he's a pregnant cat. -> The judge said solicitors had received a document late on -> Sunday from Mr Danquah in which he said he had been admitted to -> hospital with depression and chest pains. "The preparation of -> that document at that hour suggests to me that Mr Danquah is -> not unwell." -> -> He added: "In my judgment Mr Stevens' [the barrister's] -> application is well founded." NEVER MIND THAT! TELL US WHAT THE DEAL WAS WITH THE ALLEGEDLY ELECTRIC UNDERPANTS! -> Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005 ARGH! STUPID NEWSPAPER! YOU GO BACK AND DO THIS ARTICLE OVER UNTIL WE READERS HAVE ENOUGH INFORMATION TO RE-ENACT THIS SCAM! -- K. The hospital staff knew something was odd about him when he did the Uncle Fester trick, but with the light bulb up his ass. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: rejected story ideas. Date: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 13:09:15 -0400 So I know I promised to post a new work of fiction-like text around the first of every month, and this month's is late, but that's because I've had a few false starts. First I was going to do a story titled "Einstein Is The World's Skankiest Ho", in which a newspaper photo of a hooker gets smudged in printing so as to look exactly like Albert Einstein, and then hilarity would have ensued. But I really couldn't make that premise go anywhere. Besides, I don't think anyone would take me seriously if I used the phrase "skanky ho" in a sentence. Everybody knows I don't use slang. (I only use brand-new neologisms.) Then my next idea was "Einstein Is A Sociopath", in which someone falsely accuses Einstein of being a sociopath, and so to prove he isn't, he invents a pill that turns him into a sociopath to show people the difference. Problem is that sociopaths aren't interesting to write about 'cause sociopaths have no idea how to be entertaining. Best I could do was to have him casually yank away Charlie Brown's football to use in a science experiment, causing Charlie Brown to yell "YOU'RE A SOCIOPATH, ALBERT EINSTEIN!" But, like golf, sociopathy is only fun when you're actually doing it, not when you're reading about it. Anyway, just now, I had the idea for a story I'm going to write in the next few days. It's... well... pretty extreme. I'm warning you in advance because (a) I don't want to hear any complaints that it was late, and (b) you really aren't going to want to have read it by the time you get to the end. It may be short, but it'll go to a very disturbing place, possibly ruining Einstein in your mind forever, which would be fine by me anyway. He shouldn't keep begging to be in my stories. I'm looking forward to seeing how Einstein resolves the ethical dilemma I'm going to give him, and he's not allowed to resolve it by becoming a sociopath or a skanky ho. If anyone in my fiction ever gets to be a sociopath, it's going to be an elderly barber who carries scissors on the subway so he can cut off hippies' ponytails. -- K. If that guy sneaks up on you, just let him finish snipping away -- you don't want to say "CUT IT OUT!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Rut-Row Date: Thu, 07 Jul 2005 05:59:20 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Hey, did you hear about the experiment over the weekend to shoot an 800 lb > projectile into the comet Tempel 1? Well, I got the real scoop from some > guy in my office with his feet propped up. It goes something like this: > > "There's a comet headed straight for Earth - scientists have known about > it for years. You better go to church every Sunday for when it comes. NASA > did this experiment to see if they could deflect a comet from its path. It > didn't work." So is going to church supposed to prevent the comet from hitting the Earth, or does it just deflect the comet so that it hits on whichever side of the Earth has the fewest prayers said on it, or does God just want to destroy the Earth with his silly comet because he can't think of any better way to figure out who's been praying at him? I am currently having my own theological crisis. I'm in the middle of my best game of Nethack ever, with 314 hit points and ten million experience points, wielding the blessed rustproof +5 Mjollnir, and I've reached the point where my god (Crom, because I play as a neutral Barbarian) has run out of gifts to give me when I sacrifice large animals -- I've gotten more magical weapons than I can carry, he's granted me the "gift of protection" so many times I have an armor class of -25, so about all he does now is chuck spellbooks at me, and I have no use for spellbooks (a Barbarian with armor class -25 _really_ can't cast spells), and to add insult to annoyance, he doesn't even give me spellbooks for spells I don't already know. But the odd thing is that now when I sacrifice animals, I no longer get "You glimpse a four-leafed clover at your feet" if I have maneuvered Crom into a state of readiness to bless me again. I get "You have a hopeful feeling" as usual during the preparations, but then once he's ready, I get no feedback. The rules seem to work the same, I just don't hallucinate fucking clovers on my shoes any more. So what gives? The game really becomes much easier once you genocide the classes of R's and T's. Some of the h's have to go, too. The hard part is surviving long enough to eat that yummy tengu so that you can teleport big heavy corpses onto the altar whenever you want. Hey, home come my local supermarket doesn't sell frozen tengu? I want more tengu in my diet. And a bottle of carbonated floating eye juice. -- K. I already have the gauntlets of power. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You WILL DANCE, FUCKER Date: Thu, 07 Jul 2005 06:18:08 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > You may or may not have seen commercials for places wherin you build > your own Teddy Bear. > > Beware. > > They will BROWBEAT you into doing strange little dances for your bear. But at least they don't make people wear silly little pirate hats. > No, I have not set foot into such a place. You see, over in the > customers_suck community in Livejournal.com occasionally one will > get a story from a bear-place employee. There will be the usual > 'Someone was rude for no reason/screaming kids' story. Typical stuff. > > But the bear place employees are SPECIAL. > > They will be pissed off that some people just want the bear and don't > want the dance. And if you dare suggest not browbeating the customers, > you will be hissed at like a vampire encountering a sunbeam Dude, the bear community wouldn't be so rude to you if you put one of those bear pride patches on your pirate hat. For further details on the horrors of Build-A-Bear Workshop, I will refer you to my article of about two and a half years ago: //////////// RE-RUN BEGINS //////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cube. (Revised with more lemony kontext) Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 03:53:35 -0500 Ricky Morse (rem14@cornell.edu) wrote: > > [...] > > Note to self: context bad, as it seems to prevent followups... So I was at the shopping mall yesterday, because I thought that would be more fun than going to the learning mall or the vivisection mall, and I had my laptop with me so I typed up the following file named "dumb things at the mall": -> FlipBook: World History: From Homo Sapiens Until Today -> -> ePregnancy magazine -> -> bear-a-phernalia at Build-A-Bear Workshop The first two were in the front half of a bookstore (the front half is where the bad books are.) I was delighted to find out that those darn Homo Sapiens were extinct (probably because they couldn't breed, and I guess they didn't have an adequate recruiting budget) and that you could now be pregnant on the Internet even though very few Web sites stay around for a full nine months. The third was a sign which said "BEAR-A-PHERNALIA" in wacky letters at Build-A-Bear Workshop, which is, I am not making this up, a store which sells limp, gutless teddy bears that you have to shove fiberglas into yourself. They even have a book you can look in to see what names you can give the bear! I was going to buy a bear but the book didn't have a listing for the name I wanted, so I went to Sears and shopped for a rivet gun. Neither store was fun, but if they combined them into "Rivet-A-Bear Workshop", that might be good. Also the book of names for riveted bears could be titled "From Homo Sapiens Until ePregnancy". -- K. One wonders how many people it took to think up the word "bear-a-phernalia". (I am assuming it was thought up, and not just a spelling error. But that could be a stupid assumption. I guess I'm not smart enough to appreciate "bear-a-phernalia"!) //////////// RE-RUN ENDS ////////////////////////////////////////////// I'm still waiting for "CSI" to do an episode where they have to solve several unrelated, simultaneous murders in Build-A-Bear Workshop -- there are so many great places for them to discover corpses. Like, there could be a guy inside the big tank of fluff, and another one impaled on that fluff-blowing hose you have to shove up your bear's butt, and there could be another corpse at the bottom of one of those bins of bear pelts, and one last corpse could be crammed into one of those little house-shaped cardboard boxes the finished bears go in. Of course, half the episode would have to consist of Grissom watching a midget dominatrix trying on all the little plastic teddies they sell for the teddies in an effort to find out which particular fetish inevitably lead to multiple murder in Build-A-Bear Workshop. There would be much footage of bears being dissected with tweezers and dialogue like, "Something just doesn't add up -- nobody would put toenail polish on their bear before stuffing it!" Also, the guy with the messy hair would keep mentioning that he sleeps with a teddy bear with way too much emphasis on the word "sleeps" and nobody would catch on until Grissom catches him drilling a hole in Paddington and has to reassign him to work on a different multiple murder. -- K. "Now let's measure the length of the teddy bear's DNA with this Hewlett-Packard Bear-O-Tron..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can't sleep, hurricane will eat me Date: Thu, 07 Jul 2005 06:29:00 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > Much like Florida weather stations, I have learned nothing from last > year's hurricanes. Since Dennis will in most likelyhood, push me down > and shoot me in the face until I die, Kibo can have my comics Oh, goody. Then I can set up my own card table at the flea market to attempt to sell elderly people "X-Men" spin-offs for 50c each. Got any "Little Dot"? I am fascinated by the semiotics of "Little Dot". For decades, I have been trying to determine where the entertainment in "Little Dot" is, but I have as yet been unable to construct a straight line to go with her only punch line: Why did the chicken cross the road? So it could draw dots on it. What has eighteen legs and flies? Something with dots drawn on it. Why did the little moron throw the clock out the window? So she could draw dots on something. Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? Dots. And heaven help us if Little Billy from "The Family Circus" ever wanders through Little Dot's house, leading to a horrible explosion of dotted lines ensnaring the entire neighborhood in a Sargasso-like morass of squiggly staccatation. -- K. I'm holding out for "Little Death Dot". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Animal 57 update Date: Thu, 07 Jul 2005 07:05:00 -0400 [www.newswise.com, press release] -> -> Newswise -- Experiments for NASA space missions have shown that -> small amounts of edible meat can be created in a lab. ...but large amounts of edible meat can be destroyed by McDonalds. -> But the technology that could grow chicken nuggets without -> the chicken, on a large scale, "Oh my god! The nugget rolled over and crushed Bob! And worse, it's a chicken-free vegan nugget!" -> may not be just a science fiction fantasy. -> -> In a paper in the June 29 issue of Tissue Engineering, a team of -> scientists, including University of Maryland doctoral student -> Jason Matheny, propose two new techniques of tissue engineering -> that may one day lead to affordable production of in vitro -- lab -> grown -- meat for human consumption. It is the first peer-reviewed -> discussion of the prospects for industrial production of cultured -> meat. -> -> [...] -> -> Prime Without the Rib -> -> The idea of culturing meat is to create an edible product that -> tastes like cuts of beef, poultry, pork, lamb or fish and has the -> nutrients and texture of meat. It'll never work. American consumers are already trained to prefer food products without any nutrients or texture. Show me where the texture in a White Castle patty is. -> Scientists know that a single muscle cell from a cow or chicken -> can be isolated and divided into thousands of new muscle cells. -> Experiments with fish tissue have created small amounts of in -> vitro meat in NASA experiments researching potential food products -> for long-term space travel, where storage is a problem. -> -> "But that was a single experiment and was geared toward a special -> situation -- space travel," says Matheny. "We need a different -> approach for large scale production." -> -> Matheny's team developed ideas for two techniques that have -> potential for large scale meat production. One is to grow the -> cells in large flat sheets on thin membranes. The sheets of meat -> would be grown and stretched, then removed from the membranes and -> stacked on top of one another to increase thickness. So it's Jawanda meat, eh? (DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY: 9.3, unless you've ever had a cup of warm vomit thrown in your face, in which case 1.0) -> The other method would be to grow the muscle cells on small -> three-dimensional beads that stretch with small changes in -> temperature. The mature cells could then be harvested and turned -> into a processed penis -> meat, like penis -> nuggets or ham penis -> burgers. "Expandomeat. Now with beads! It's crunchewy!" -> Treadmill Meat -> -> To grow meat on a large scale, cells from several different kinds -> of tissue, including muscle and fat, would be needed to give the -> meat the texture to appeal to the human palate. In other words, two-ply tissue tastes better than one-ply. -> "The challenge is getting the texture right," says Matheny. -> "We have to figure out how to 'exercise' the muscle cells. -> For the right texture, you have to stretch the tissue, like a -> live animal would." The best way to stretch tissue is with new Tissue Helper. Now available in Soylent Clear! -> Where's the Beef? -> -> And, the authors agree, it might take work to convince consumers -> to eat cultured muscle meat, a product not yet associated with -> being produced artificially. Yeah, those hippies will always prefer eating cans of real Spam, picked right off the Spam can tree. -> "On the other hand, cultured meat could appeal to people concerned -> about food safety, the environment, and animal welfare, and people -> who want to tailor food to their individual tastes," says Matheny. -> The paper even suggests that meat makers may one day sit next to -> bread makers on the kitchen counter. Why not just cut out the middleman and position a shit-making machine directly above the toilet? (For greater efficiency, consumption is being standarized. Performance... is perfect. Is perfect.) (DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY: 8.5) -> "The benefits could be enormous," Matheny says. "The demand for -> meat is increasing world wide -- China's meat demand is doubling -> every ten years. Poultry consumption in India has doubled in the -> last five years. -> -> "With a single cell, you could theoretically produce the world's -> annual meat supply. ...in somebody's desk drawer as a practical joke. -> And you could do it in a way that's better for the environment -> and human health. In the long term, this is a very feasible idea." -> -> Matheny saw so many advantages in the idea that he joined several -> other scientists in starting a nonprofit, New Harvest -> (http://www.new-harvest.org), to advance the technology. I looked at their front page and the most prominent links were to subscribe my E-mail address to "news" from the site or to "spread the word" to a friend's E-mail address. So I'd have to say this technology is perfectly feasible and could be used to produce Spam. -> Other authors of the paper are Pieter Edelman of Wageningen -> University, Netherlands; Douglas McFarland, South Dakota State -> University; and Vladimir Mironov, Medical University of South -> Carolina. Never mind them. Has Russia's Dr. Sergei Speransky done any research into beating artificial meat? -- K. Why are we trying to invent new types of meat when we can't even get people to eat the perfectly good ones we already have, like veal? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Please stop blowing up London. Date: Thu, 07 Jul 2005 07:17:00 -0400 Dear terrorists, Why are you wasting your time trying to blow up London's subway system? Nobody important uses it. The Royal Family never rides the Tube, the surviving Beatles both have limousines, and the cast of "Doctor Who" has the Tardis. If you want to blow up a subway, I suggest Los Angeles's Red Line, the one under Hollywood Boulevard. None of the locals ever ride it, so blowing it up wouldn't inconvenience anyone except tourists, and all the locals hate tourists so probably nobody would even try to stop you from blowing it up. However, you shouldn't go near the Blue Line or Green Line, because people actually ride those, so the cops would probably stop you, and I know you terrorists think you're mean dudes, but trust me, the LAPD are a lot meaner than any terrorists. Oh, and if you ever go after Boston's subway system, be careful, because if the local cops see you blowing it up, they'll tell you, "HEY, BUDDY, YOU BETTER NOT BLOW THAT UP AGAIN!" They might even point at you. -- K. I bet it's going to become very quiet in my building again. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Please stop blowing up London. Date: Thu, 07 Jul 2005 08:37:55 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > How I long for the good old days when rotating-eyeball bomb- > throwers used to try to assassinate a country's political > leaders, rather than ordinary people. "Your leaders aren't even worth assassinating." -- bumper sticker on Osama bin Laden's Chevy Nova Besides, the best mad bombers didn't throw bombs at politicians, they blew up railroad bridges as masturbatory aids. Have we learned _nothing_ from Sylvestre Matuschka? By the way, while fact-checking this, I tried to figure out the correct spelling of his name, and found roughly equal number of sources giving "Sylvestre", "Sylvester", "Szilveszter", "Matuschka", "Matushka", and "Matrushka". So let this be another lesson to wannabe terrorists: PICK A NAME THE MEDIA CAN SPELL. If your name is Czech, Welsh, or whatever that language is that has the "click" sound, before becoming a terrorist change your name to something like "Bob Thud". -- K. Why doesn't London have the Tube guarded by Daleks? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Please stop blowing up London. Date: Thu, 07 Jul 2005 08:50:59 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Why doesn't London have the Tube guarded by Daleks? > > Escalators. I'd think that would be a plus. Put a Dalek on each platform and the escalators mean the Daleks would be unable to escape. You'd just have to modify the train doors so that Daleks couldn't escape by riding the trains -- something like those funny doors on the British Rail cars where you have to lean out through the window to work the door handle. (John Steed would have gotten his derby shot at least three extra times if not for those doors.) -- K. Somewhere there is a Mechanoid saying "Oh boo hoo, the poor Daleks can't go up escalators," but nobody can understand it because a Mechanoid's voice is so distorted as to render sarcasm useless. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I have terrible news Date: Tue, 12 Jul 2005 04:58:19 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@captaininfinity.us) wrote: > I have, like, 15 cans of Star Kist tuna and I really want a tuna > sandwich....but I'm all out of mayonnaise. That's not the right way to tell that joke. First of all, you forgot to start off by mentioning that the pharmacist is hard of hearing and his daughter's name is Virginia. Secondly, to tell a joke that bad, you have to be wearing a tuxedo. > Man, this just sucks. Yeah, well, I have decided to invent a car powered by the visceral rush emitted when someone uses their bare hands to twist open one of those exploding cans of foul-tasting cardboard biscuit dough. I estimate 1387.2 cans per mile. WHAT A RUSH! -- K. Is there a reason that dough tastes like pickle brine that's been sitting in a tide pool in the sun? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Battlefield Boston Date: Tue, 12 Jul 2005 05:37:34 -0400 Leo Sgouros (hpappas7@comcast.net) wrote: > > I am going to be in Boston this month, from the 19th to the 26th.I plan on > luring Kibo out of his bat cave by bringing along a new version of pepper > sauce, from the Hot Pepper store in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware.When I was last > there, they had a vial with an eyedropper for a sauce that came in at > 500,000 scofield units.I just called them up and they have stuff as hot as > 16 million scofields now!. I cannot imagine such a thing, but for Kibo to > get to his" level 5 call an ambulance" state, I am quite sure this would do > it. > Of course,he could hate my guts and not meet with me , but he is getting > that vial , even if I have to skip trace him and throw it through his > window. > Muahahaha. I will probably be pretty busy that week, as I have one of those nasty I'll-be-even-more-broke-if-I-miss-it deadlines at an event the week after that, and I'm already way behind schedule due to having been unable to order the parts I wanted a few weeks ago due to that goddamn Denmarkish jerk who stole my card number last month. We'll see, but things don't look good. By the way, Scoville units are computed as parts per million times thirteen, so the hot sauce companies that brag about numbers like "16,000,000 Scoville" are not only lying, they're letting us know they think we're stupid. It can't even be 13,000,000 Scoville if it's liquid, since capsaicin isn't fluid by itself. (Any hot sauce that's just capsaicin wouldn't taste good, because the capsaicin isn't the part which has the flavor.) There's not really any point to distilled capsaicin extract like that, as you have to dilute it so much before use that you might as well just use a more normal sauce which has actual pepper matter in it and can be mixed in more evenly. When the best they can do for a selling point is a made-up numerical value, you know it's not an actual food item. "Now with 74,000,000,000,000,000 thumbtacks in every cookie!" Basically, there are two classes of hot sauce in the world -- the actual ones intended for use on food (which generally contain vegetable matter), and then the hundreds which all claim to be The World's Only World's Hottest Hot Sauce. There should be a special supermarket for all the "World's Blankiest Blank" foods so they can all be together, away from the foods which are selected for yumminess instead of their ability to destroy the world ten billion times over. Yeah, I know that stuff. Save your money, it's a total rip-off. If you feel you must go to the silly hot sauce store, Desert Pepper Trading Company makes a nice "XXX" habanero sauce for about $4 a bottle, and for the cost of one of those silly little designer vials of "cap" you could get about ten bottles of the Desert Pepper "XXX" sauce. I can handle hotter, but the problem is that anything hotter has less flavor because that "XXX" sauce is about as hot as you can get with something made from actual mashed peppers instead of distilled capsaicin extract. (The hotter the sauce, the more they skimp on the ingredient that you want.) Anyway, please don't feel you have to go to the hot sauce store on my account. They sell hot sauce in Massachusetts these days. Over the Internet, too. -- K. One thing I can't get here is a good fresh habanero -- the peppers they sell in the markets are all lame and mushy. Sometimes I can find good poblanos, and in Chinatown the markets have nice Scotch Bonnets, but there are no strong habaneros in Boston. The ones from the supermarket have usually started dissolving themselves by the time they get to the big city. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Battlefield Boston Date: Wed, 13 Jul 2005 06:03:48 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > There's not really any point to distilled capsaicin extract like that, > > as you have to dilute it so much before use that you might as well just > > use a more normal sauce which has actual pepper matter in it and can > > be mixed in more evenly. > > I cannot imagine wanting to eat anything hotter > than ground up habaneras. I cannot imagine even > eating a habanera. That's stupid. > > I'd rather smoke a cigarette or inject heroin > under my eyelid. Hmm, I haven't tried heroin yet. I didn't like the cigarette, but habaneros are delicious. I remember being so disappointed the first time I tried one and it wasn't all that hot because it was from a supermarket in Boston and thus all old and feeble. But a really good habanero has a nice tangy flavor. The closest comparison I can come up with is that a ripe red habanero is similar to a ripe cherry pepper, but much hotter. (Jalapenos, poblanos, anchos, etc. all taste different.) > > How could you be grossed out by sheep hearts? What's wrong > > with organ meats? Don't you like canned chili? > > I hate you. I think only Castleberry's and Morton House brand canned chili have ever listed "beef hearts" right on the can. So if you get any other brand, you can pretend you don't know the secret of THE ENTIRE MEAT INDUSTRY. Ever eat a hot dog? A hamburger? Meat loaf? Canned broth? Campbell's Chunky canned chili (new in the USA, though they've had it in Canada for several years) is quite good. Best is Wolf, but I seldom see that up north. Stagg (Hormel's attempt to compete with Wolf) is okay. Hormel and all other cheapo brands made by either Hormel ("EST199" on the end of the can) or the people who make Libby's ("EST705") are to be avoided. Of course, it's trivial to make your own chili, if you have beef and the appropriate fresh hot peppers and red powdered peppers. Onion and cumin help too, and maybe even a little tomato. Most people put way too many tomatoes into their chili -- winding up with, basically, spaghetti sauce -- I think chili should be closer to beef in brown gravy with hot peppers. And NO SUGAR. I think Trader Joe's still sells their awful house brand (made by Hormel) which tastes like a lollipop. -- K. Brains taste yucky, that's why I'm glad they only put them in the hot dogs they serve at National League ballparks. American League ones get the hot dogs with hippo mucus. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Battlefield Boston Date: Thu, 14 Jul 2005 10:15:06 -0400 John Schmidt (js@radix.net) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > > > I've had people give me a bowl of watery red stuff with a few > > > pieces of meat and a bean in it, call it chili. Ew. > > > > So basically there should be a spoon-stands-up-in-it test to pass? > > Yep - just like pretty much *everything* in life. Spoon? Real chili is eaten with a fork. Plastic forks are best (spicy food doesn't play well with metal utensils.) You know how, on the original "Star Trek", whenever Kirk and Spock did brunch at one of the Enterprise's space dining room tables, they pretended to eat stacks of little cubes of orange, blue, and green kitchen sponges? Take one of those piles of little cubes, spray-paint it reddish-black, and that's the world's most perfect chili. 90% meat, 10% chili, maybe 0.03% tomatoes. Chili should stay on the plate where you put it, not require you to sip it out of a teacup through a bendy straw. Spoons are for liquids and those times when Benny Hill needs to get his martini olive out of the woman's cleavage. Forks are for meat. Had Benny Hill known about forks, he would have been funnier. -- K. Real chili can even be eaten with chopsticks. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Battlefield Boston Date: Wed, 13 Jul 2005 09:12:18 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Of course, it's trivial to make your own chili, if you have beef > > and the appropriate fresh hot peppers and red powdered peppers. > > Onion and cumin help too, and maybe even a little tomato. > > And beans. > > You can make whatever you want to with beef and peppers and onion and > cumin and tomato, but don't try to pass it off as 'chili'. > > It's the beef that's optional. You, sir -- if that is your real gender -- are the biggest puss on the planet. I bet you put pink frosting on your pancakes. And drink Sunny Delight. And make pizza with Velveeta and condensed tomato soup on Wonder Bread with the crust cut off. And eat cold Beanee Weenee right from the can in the bathtub. Beans were invented by Hormel, because they were too cheap to put more than a fraction of a cow in every can. Beans aren't a vegetable -- no chlorophyll. Beans are just the excreta of actual vegetables, which is why they look like rat turds, because rats are a more sophisticated form of vegetable. Real chili should shoot glowing lasers of flavor at your face from across the room. Beans even don't have any flavor before someone turns them into farts. And beans don't even make very good farts, as anyone who likes spicy kimchi can tell you. Beans are for babies, Communists, and those guys who walk through the background of first-season "Star Trek: The Next Generation" reruns wearing miniskirts. Beans are for people who don't like food. And as all people like food, if you like beans, this means that you're completely de-humanized and it is therefore okay to let Lynndie England have her way with you. People who like beans are lower on the evolutionary scale than the bean, which is three steps lower than an ameba, unless the ameba also likes beans, in which case the ameba's even lower than itself. In Hell, the potatoes are beans. -- K. The only beans suitable for combining with meat are favas, and then only if you have a nice Chianti and fresh meat from your local butcher, preferably above the waist. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Battlefield Boston Date: Tue, 12 Jul 2005 10:03:59 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > There should be a special supermarket for all the "World's > > Blankiest Blank" foods so they can all be together, away from > > the foods which are selected for yumminess instead of their > > ability to destroy the world ten billion times over. > > There already is a special supermarket like that. It's in Scotland. > > "Haggis-100 lbs. for $1.00!!!" > "Take your time, supplies will last" > > 1 sheep's stomach bag plus the pluck (lights, liver and heart) > 1 lb Lean mutton > 6 oz Fine oatmeal > 8 oz Shredded suet > 2 large Onions, chopped > > A waste of a perfectly good onion if you ask me. I've heard that you can buy canned vegan haggis for the space aliens in your family, but I've never been able to find it for sale. Given that I've seen veggie veal, veggie kidneys, and veggie intestines, you'd think I'd know where to get veggie haggis, but no, it's harder to find than it should be. In a perfect world, everyone would eat vegan haggis, and there would at last be peace between Scotland and Vega. Rigel, on the other hand, would only be mollified if we sent them a rocket full of veggie haggis with blue frosting. They like blue frosting on Rigel. It's one of those planets. So we must work to make vegan haggis more available now that I've told you it exists. However, I have never heard of veggie lutefisk. Whoever is the first to invent vegan lutefisk can corner the market what with all those people who love the taste of lutefisk but wish they'd leave out the fish and the butter. The can would say "Ingredient: Lye." -- K. How could you be grossed out by sheep hearts? What's wrong with organ meats? Don't you like canned chili? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Battlefield Boston Date: Wed, 13 Jul 2005 07:18:37 -0400 O-V R:nen (Otto-Ville.Ronkainen@ling.helsinki.fi) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > However, I have never heard of veggie lutefisk. Whoever is the first > > to invent vegan lutefisk can corner the market what with all those > > people who love the taste of lutefisk but wish they'd leave out the > > fish and the butter. The can would say "Ingredient: Lye." > > Well, at least around here, veggie lutefisk is generally marketed as > "soap". Hmm. Here in the United States, most soap is made out of a mixture of plastic and Kool-Aid. We have eliminated all tallow and lye from our country (except for McFries, which contain at least one of the two) which is why when our sinks clog up, there's not much we can do. Liquid Plumber and Drano are basically just distilled water plus some gelatin to make sure the clog doesn't accidentally loosen. Because our soap is just plasticized Kool-Aid, all of our children curse all the time because they don't mind having their mouths washed out with it. Our public restrooms have that liquid soap that's fluorescent pink and smells like fifteen million cherry Pez. It doesn't get people clean, it just makes them smell like candy. Stinky candy. -- K. Leather-scented soap is pretty good. But cherry-scented leather would be horrible. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: How not to do drugs. Date: Tue, 12 Jul 2005 09:55:37 -0400 [www.courant.com] -> -> Prominent Psychologist Faces Charges -> -> Eating Disorder Expert Inhaled Gas, Police Say -> -> By Tom Puleo, Courant Staff Writer -> -> WEST HARTFORD -- A prominent psychologist who specializes -> in eating disorders faces criminal charges after she inhaled -> propellant from whipped cream cans and collapsed on a -> supermarket floor in May, police say. -> -> Lisa G. Berzins, 49, of 9 Talcott Glen Road in Farmington, was -> charged in a warrant Friday with possession of a restricted -> substance, third-degree criminal mischief and creating a public -> disturbance. She was released on $500 bail for a July 21 -> appearance in Superior Court in Hartford. -> -> "These are only allegations," said Berzins' attorney, Bob Ludgin -> of Hartford. "My client is innocent unless convicted. I have -> confidence that there will be no convictions." "Even if an allegation is true it's still just an allegation. Like the way gravity is just a theory." -> Berzins, who has a practice listed at 91 S. Main St. in West -> Hartford, has lectured and written widely in the areas of -> eating disorders, (cue Conan O'Brien to explain:) "'Cause she's faaa-aaat!" -> female development, sex roles and self-esteem, (cue Conan again) -> according to her speaker's biography listed with the American -> Psychological Association. She's a member of the APA, and yet she still isn't smart enough to take the cans home before attempting to get giggly off them? THIS PROVES SCIENTOLOGISTS ARE RIGHT! ALL PSYCHIATRISTS DO DRUGS AND SPRAY WHIPPED CREAM UP THEIR NOSE IN SUPERMARKETS! XENU SAYS THEIR BAD ENGRAMS COME FROM AN R6 BANK IMPLANT OF THE IMAGE OF AN ERUPTING VOLCANO SPEWING WHITE FOAM UP A GIANT SPACE NOSE! -> Her resume includes listings as director of the eating disorders -> programs at the Institute of Living in Hartford, and the former -> Elmcrest Psychiatric Institute in Portland. It was unclear when -> she held those positions. SCIENTOLOGISTS KNOW THAT ALL PSYCHIATRISTS ARE UNCLEAR! -> On Sunday, May 29, police said, they responded to an afternoon -> call for medical assistance and found Berzins lying on the floor -> of the Farmington Avenue Stop & Shop, bleeding from her head. -> -> Conscious and responding slowly to questions, Berzins told police -> she did not know what had happened, according to the arrest -> warrant filed in Superior Court in Hartford. Here, I'll explain what happened... You see, gravity pulls unconscious idiots towards the floor of the supermarket after they huff more than two and almost as many as four cans of ersatz nitrous wacky funny-car turbo-boost laughy gassy. Isaac Newton proved that about gravity when he was caught shoplifting tiny, perpetually-stale fig bars. But of course, gravity's just a theory. So while it's possible she did something idiotic, it's equally possible that gravity stopped working and none of the six billion people on the Earth noticed there was no gravity and while the dopey lady was floating motionless, the Earth jumped up and whacked her on the head with malicious intent. The Earth swerved to hit her! RELATIVITY SAYS THERE'S SOME FRAME OF REFERENCE WHERE IT'S NOT HER FAULT! -> Based on a witness account and evidence collected in supermarket -> aisles, police said, Berzins apparently had been inhaling from -> three cans of Reddi-wip brand whipped cream. After all, you can't stop at just one. Sure, huffing causes brain damage, but maybe the next can might have a different gas that makes your brain grow back! Also, other noted doctors, such as Sergei Speransky, say Reddi-Whipping is good for you, even without the "Reddi" part. -> The cans contained nitrous oxide, a restricted substance -> commonly known as laughing gas, the warrant says. Whipped cream is a restricted substance? Uh oh. CANCEL MY BIRTHDAY CLOWN!!! -> A high can be obtained, the warrant states, by holding the nozzle -> upright and activating the can's valve, releasing the propellant -> to be inhaled. Dear Mr. Reporter Person, Please write more installments of your "How to get high off common household objects" series, with equally detailed directions for stupid people who are wondering how to get drugs into their bodies. It would help the kids today rediscover the importance of reading. -> Nitrous oxide is a colorless, almost odorless gas Catchphrase of the day: "almost odorless". You know, like farts. -> used mainly as a mild sedative and analgesic in dental treatment. -> -> [...] -> -> In 1996 the General Assembly approved a new "truth in dieting" law -> that was proposed by Attorney General Richard Blumenthal and -> Berzins. The law requires diet companies to prove their claims of -> success with scientific data, or remove those claims from their -> advertising and packaging in Connecticut. But obviously that law is ineffectual if they can't even get psychiatrists to read the back of the Reddi-Wip can where it says "WARNING: WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE HOME BEFORE YOU HUFF THIS, BOZO." -> Copyright 2005, Hartford Courant Thus, nobody can ever again explain how to huff without crediting the Hartford Courant's copyright on the sentence, "A high can be obtained [...] by holding the nozzle upright and activating the can's valve, releasing the propellant to be inhaled." Kids, don't do drugs without permission from the copyright holder. -- K. Several episodes of "Cops" have explained that huffers know that silver and gold spray paint get you higher than regular spray paint. We need to teach these kids about the dangers of gold spray paint -- it's a shame "Goldfinger" is only on TV eight times a year. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid, stupid, stupid bird Date: Tue, 12 Jul 2005 10:13:32 -0400 James Vandenberg (Basalisk@gmail.com) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > When I got home, I set the breadmaker on the timer for an > > overnight French loaf. Tragically, this turned out to be a > > claggy mess, due to yours truly stupidly forgetting to insert > > the kneading element. > > TEACHER: Now class, we've been reviewing the periodic table. Can anybody > remember which element is used in kneaders? > > JOHN D. SALT: DUH! I FORGET! I ARRR DUM! AND PIRATE! ARR! DUM! Hey, a pirate can be right about metallurgy once in a while if the answer is "gold doubloons". And they can be right in math class too if the answer is "pieces of eight". They can even be right in architecture class when talking about Romanesque churches' curvy naves since if you're dressed as a pirate everyone will hear "scurvy knaves" even if you're a pirate who is an expert in architectural history. "Hey, Pirate Pete, what do you think of Vladimir Tatlin's Monument To The Third International?" "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" "Was that a good arr, or a bad arr?" "YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" "Do you even know who Vladimir Tatlin was?" "NARRRRRR..." "Oh, hell with it, here, put on this sporran and we'll pass you off as a Scotsman." "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" -- K. Is "an overnight french loaf" the long version of a blumpkin? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: So let me get this straight. Date: Tue, 12 Jul 2005 10:34:30 -0400 Due to the London bombing, the London and New York subways have each undertaken this two-point plan to better security: 1. They told all the passengers that if they see anyone even slightly suspicious, they should immediately dial 9-1-1 on their cell phone. 2. They shut down all cell phone access in the subway tunnels. Genius, pure sheer genius. I love the thought of thousands of New Yorkers screaming into their dead phones, "YO COPS, I JUS' SAW A HOOKER WIDDA ADAM'S APPLE DRESSED AZZA BROAD, WHADDA FUG? HELLO? HELLO? YO, I'M TALKIN' TO YA!" Remember, from now on, when you ride the subway, have a tin can in your pocket connected to a ten-mile-long ball of string at phone company headquarters so that you can notify the police if you see anyone who's slightly odd anywhere in the subway system. (For instance, anyone who acts shy about urinating on the stairs.) -- K. I still don't even want to consider owning a cell phone. Their radiation doesn't really cause brain damage, it's just something that automatically happens when you own one. You start walking down the sidewalk yakking and gesturing with your other arm. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Flashback, bqqbies, communications Date: Wed, 13 Jul 2005 06:08:34 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > [...context fall down, go boom!...] > > Your name's not Paula, you didn't live in my dorm building and you > have nothing to do with the mathematical probabilities of strangers > meeting by chance in a chatroom being fifth cousins twice removed or > something. You were not forgotten. You are just one of those things > that was not like the others. I demand that on a bumper sticker for the car I don't have! -- K. Also, I demand that the headlights should be missile-launchers which are connected directly to the dashboard's "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" card dispenser. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: cycles, and not the cool kind Date: Wed, 13 Jul 2005 09:35:38 -0400 So you may recall that, once upon a time, because the laundry room in my apartment building sells laundry cards in $5 increments, they set the cost of a wash to $1.26, and the residents protested, so it was set to $1.25 except for one or two of the machines in the back because they just have to get that extra penny once in order to ruin the last $1.24 of your card. Well, of course eventually they notched the price up to $1.30, and now it's just been re-adjusted to $1.35. But a new wrinkle has been added. Now the washing machines give you the choice of paying $1.35 or $1.60 -- the extra 25c buys you a "Super Cycle". I don't know what it is, and I assume it can't be as good as just running your laundry through twice, so it's probably just an extra thirty seconds of rinsing to compensate for the poor job the washing machines do. But I'm not going to pay 25c to find out what this mysterious Super Cycle is, because it might just involve blasting my laundry halfway across the Snake River Canyon. Also I probably can't use Super Cycle, what with all the Kryptonite stains on my clothes. So what's Super Cycle? And how can I protect my clothes from its deadly, overpriced cyclosity? -- K. From now on, I'm going to take all my laundry to the Bat-Cave, provided Batman agrees not to use too much Bat-Starch and won't mix his intimate Underoos with my stuff. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Should I invest in the Edmonton airport? Date: Wed, 13 Jul 2005 22:11:59 -0400 It's been a few years since my trip to Alberta. Nevertheless, for some reason, today in the mail I received a large envelope containing a full-color book of the annual report of the Edmonton airport. I dunno, I'm guessing they heard that I liked the province's shopping mall way back then so now they want me to invest in the airport, maybe buy a terminal or two. (Do they have two now?) So, what should I do with this fifty million dollars I have lying around? Use it to buy an airport in a weird province in a distant country, or exchange it for goods and services in order to increase my level of happiness? Also, when the hell is someone going to give me fifty million dollars? -- K. If I'm not in your will, you should stop reading alt.religion.kibology until you have Mr. Lawyer correct your will. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Spray-on pantyhose? Spray-on... pantyhose? Date: Thu, 14 Jul 2005 11:00:07 -0400 I just saw... a TV commercial for spray-on pantyhose. (Actually, technically, I guess they'd just be hose, since I don't think you're supposed to spray the stuff into your panty zone, but the ads always call it "pantyhose".) "Air Stocking" costs $28 a can (which, I believe, is more than a pair of pantyhose, not to mention a lot more work to put on.) One vendor's Web site assures us, "You can't go wrong with choosing a color of Air Stocking." All five colors of it include shredded silk, green tea, and extra caffeine -- apparently now it's important to spray caffeine directly onto your knees. Observations: 1. Is Stanislaw Lem still alive and in possession of enough of his faculties to see his wet dream come true? 2. I've heard that during World War II, dames would draw a line up the back of their leg with an eyebrow pencil so they could pretend they were wearing seamed stockings, due to a shortage of nylon what with all those selfish airmen wanting to have parachutes. So what part of the current war effort has led to this new form of imitation hosiery? 3. What's the point, really, of something which doesn't provide any support? Seem like all the spray-on silk would do is to make your legs fuzzy, and I thought women didn't like that. 4. How many cans would Gert Frobe need to cover Shirley Eaton in the exciting new movie, "James Bond In Pantyhosefinger"? 5. Is Air Stocking the reason superheroes in comic books don't have any zippers on what we think are their skintight outfits? That would explain why Plastic Man, Elastic Lad, and Reed Richards don't tear their clothes when they stretch. (The Fantastic Four used up their shared can before they got to Ben Grimm, so he had to use a can of expanding foam insulation -- the new peanut-butter flavor.) 6. What would happen if Ron Howard thought he was reaching for a can of spray-on hair and accidentally used a can of spray-on fleshtone pantyhose on his head? Would he have to become a bank robber, or would he just become Clint Howard and drink himself silly with a big bottle of tranya? -- K. Remember when V'Ger's green plasma energy discharge burned Chekov's hand and Dr. Chapel had to hose his hand down with Air Stocking? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spray-on pantyhose? Spray-on... pantyhose? Date: Sun, 17 Jul 2005 08:31:02 -0400 [pantyhose pantyhose pantyhose!!!] Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > I rubbed benadryl cream all over my legs and didn't itch until > > about 3:45. As I get out at 4:30, that wasn't too bad. > > > > I need to find some silk stockings. Silk doesn't make me > > itch. > > Have you tried taking a long-lasting claritin? Less drowsy, lasts > longer, and for me worked better. Dont take benadryl if you have it on > your skin for some reason. Oh boo hoo, a little itching. Ladies, men wear things that itch _all_ the time, especially firemen with those asbestos-lined jockstraps. Men don't let a little itching stop them from riding a bike, climbing a mountain, or knowing how to work a gas pump. > ALso, dermatologists have their favorite creams - mine uses one with > steroids and coolants. Sunburn gel (with lodocaine) for emergencies. I know I got up too early this morning because when I first read that, my brain saw that your dermatologist uses a cream "with steroids and cooties." And now that I have invented itch cream with built-in cooties, I'll be rich! HEY LADIES COME GET A FREE SAMPLE OF MY ITCHY ITCH CREAM! FIRST TUBE IS FREE! I'LL BE RIGHT HERE WHEN YOU NEED LOTS MORE! > Also, if you push on an itch instead of itching it, it gets better, > like a bump. Twiki, stop doing that ridiculous 20th-century dance and help me save New Chicago from Frank Gorshin. -- K. I betcha Twiki's costume itched all over. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spray-on pantyhose? Spray-on... pantyhose? Date: Mon, 18 Jul 2005 11:50:42 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh boo hoo, a little itching. Ladies, men wear things that > > itch _all_ the time, especially firemen with those > > asbestos-lined jockstraps. > > Uh uhuh. I work with foremen, and I know their jockstraps > aren't asbestos lined. Hell, they wear plain old undies. > Some with cute little 'roos on them. If you can't tell the difference between a fireman and a foreman, you're going to be really confused by The New Village People. You'd probably keep getting the astronaut and the scuba diver confused too, not to mention the hockey player and the lumberjack. Anyway, watch The New Village People solving crimes every Saturday morning (a Hanna-Barbera production.) You'll be able to buy the cute little Underoos soon. They'll also be asbestos-lined. You should stop huffing the spray-on pantyhose. The silk's gone directly to your brain. -- K. That's the same thing that happened to Burt Ward. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spray-on pantyhose? Spray-on... pantyhose? Date: Fri, 15 Jul 2005 22:23:53 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@Gmail.com) wrote: > > > > You can purchase pantyhose that have cotton "soles" as well > > as a cotton "gusset." I love that word. > > [...] They are too hot! They are going to the Thrift shop > next week. I just wear pants. All the time. Well, then, you'll never get to marry Dick Van Dyke. > I overheat even when my thyroid is low. These days I am a little > hypert and it is over 100 and I went kayaking and dinged my chest cage > on a rock. So go to Victoria's Secret and buy another one. This time try to get a more impact-resistant grade of whalebone. > Anyways, just looking at leggings of any type makes me uncomfortable. Really? Even chaps? > And I cant wait until next week when it will be 100 here and hopefully > less than that in Seattle. At least in my basement. Whalebone chaps plus basement sounds like fun to me. One question, though -- are you using Fahrenheit or Celsius? 'Cause being steam-scalded is bad pain. > Plus, my chest hertz. You'll never sell your romance novel until you change that to "my womanly bosom is heaving", whether or not the book is about food poisoning. -- K. And hey, are those chi pants you're wearing? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spray-on pantyhose? Spray-on... pantyhose? Date: Fri, 15 Jul 2005 10:38:41 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > 2. I've heard that during World War II, dames would draw a line up > > the back of their leg with an eyebrow pencil so they could pretend > > they were wearing seamed stockings, due to a shortage of nylon > > what with all those selfish airmen wanting to have parachutes. > > So what part of the current war effort has led to this new > > form of imitation hosiery? > > They need sexy stockings to dress up prisoners in. As I once said, the main result of all the scandalous attention given to the brutality at Abu Ghraib will be that the Army will redesign its sandbags. So, what you're saying is that from now on they're going to just make their prisoners wear stocking masks? Hmm. Do they even make reasonably opaque nylons? Also, why don't bank robbers wear stocking masks any more? I realize nobody wears three-hole ski masks any more because there aren't many places you can buy them, but is there a reason bank robbers no longer wear pantyhose over their heads other than the fact that it does nothing to disguise them and "The Nude Bomb" was a major flop? -- K. I think everyone should wear three-hole ski masks all the time, except Charlie Brown, who should have a ninety-four-hole one. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey, MeatTerri Date: Fri, 15 Jul 2005 11:09:41 -0400 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > [...] State Quarters are not a good investment strategy. They are if you produce enough of them to offset the cost of the stamping machine -- but I have said too much. Slot machines are for laundering. Laundry machines aren't, since they don't give change. You know how they now let you order postage stamps with your own photo on them? They really should let you do that with paper money. You should be able to choose the color and dimensions of the bill, too. Also the value. Like, you could get a bill printed that says "$1" on one side and "$3" on the other, and you'd spend it face-up or face-down depending on which type of bar you were in. Oh, and they should let you print your own parking tickets and stick them on anything that doesn't movie, like buildings and old people. -- K. VOTE KIBO FOR PRESIDENT 2005 ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Whatcha got in the trunk? continues. Date: Fri, 15 Jul 2005 11:29:10 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Why has there been a recent glut of child-in-trunk incidents? I don't know, but my advice is to start investing in drive-in movie theaters before the craze peaks. > Have people suddenly started doing this, or have the police suddenly > started noticing it? Over on Lileks.com there's this great old A&P ad that demonstrates how popular A&P supermarkets are by showing a dozen baby buggies left outside the store while the housewives are yakyakyakking away over the cans of Spam inside. It boggles my mind to think that our unwritten rules of society back then dictated that it was not okay to leave the baby alone at home when you went shopping, but it was okay to take the kid halfway to the store and then leave him alone in the sunlight for a while. http://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/ads/ap.html That was back when people used the word "babysnatchers", instead of being smart enough to find ways to avoid needing to use that word. You could presumably go to any local A&P and collect enough babies so that eighteen years later you'd have a complete brothel. Or, if you dropped in five times a day for a whole week, you'd have enough babies to fill a Pool Of Babies you could jump into, though I can't imagine why anyone would want to do that, even though I'm sure there must be a Yahoo group devoted to the topic. Come to think of it, I don't know why anyone would need to steal babies to start with, given how many are up for grabs in orphanages and crack houses. Man, society is depressing to live in. -- K. We used to have one stray A&P store in Boston, but I never saw any free babies outside. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Whatcha got in the trunk? continues. Date: Fri, 15 Jul 2005 22:53:36 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > I like to walk through parking lots on sunny days, looking for an excuse > to bust someone's window and rescue a baby. I think I love you. That's dangerously close to the fantasies I have when I'm in a bad mood where I hope someone will attempt to mug me so I can find out whether I can kill a man to protect the money I don't have. So do you carry a paramedic's car window punch, or do you just use an ordinary riot baton? I like the window punch with the retractable spike for popping airbags (and needless to say, it's got a seat belt cutter blade, they always do) but it's orange plastic and I think it would be so much cooler if it was made of non-sparking bronze like those firemen's crash axes with the pentagonal wrench for the hydrant valve built-in. I'm just saying I get a lot of catalogs. > I also keep an eye on the (unfenced) irrigation ditches for > floating drunks and toddlers. Yesterday during evening rush hour I saw a guy, in business attire, riding his bicycle home, and he was being one of these guys who rides his bike as if he's performing to let everyone see how cool he is -- except when he came to an intersection, he'd take his hands off the handlebars and put them both in his pockets. I keep an eye out for people who are that willfully unsafe so that I will already have my eyes focused in time to see the carnage when Mr. Hands In Pockets encounters a sudden steer-or-die moment. I have no sympathy for people who put themselves in situations they have to be aware are dangerous, nor do I have any sympathy for anyone who endangers other people. However, I do have sympathy for the poor paramedics who have to buy tool in all sorts of garish colors and can't just have everything in a nice metallic bronze. Bronze good. Most people bad. So, Rose, buy me one of these and I'll follow you around and we'll smash windows in the name of safety: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_07_bronze_crash_axe.jpg -- K. Which works better: Bronze barbarian helmet with bronze firefighter axe, or fireman helmet with big spool of Jet-Axe? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Whatcha got in the trunk? continues. Date: Sun, 17 Jul 2005 08:49:58 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > > > > > > So, Rose, buy me one of these and I'll follow you around and we'll > > > smash windows in the name of safety: > > > > > > http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_07_bronze_crash_axe.jpg > > > > Perhaps a set of brass knuckles - I could always say I had > > them for other reasons. > > I can see that having limited success with a sceptical rozzer. > > "Brass knucks, officer? Yes, I carry them for medical reasons. > Also, that thing you're looking at may look like an H&K G36 with > underslung grenade launcher, but it's really, errr, an endosope." In most of the more interesting states in the U.S., brass knuckles and anything remotely brass-knuckle-like made out of metal are illegal to own, let alone carry or use, so people know how to get around this by carrying (a) a roll of quarters or better yet, (b) a plastic keychain which happens to be shaped like something which provides convenient fingerholes and has a couple of spikes sticking out of it -- the best designs I've seen are kitties and doggies where you put your fingers through the cat's eyes and then the cat's ears go through someone else's eyes. http://www.selfdefenseproducts.com/Keychains/wildkat.php picture mirrored at: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_07_keychains.jpg Scientists should breed some animal with hundreds of ears so that we can then design a weapon to take out hundreds of eyeballs at once. -- K. Besides, bronze knuckles would be sexier. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Whatcha got in the trunk? continues. Date: Fri, 15 Jul 2005 17:53:05 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That was back when people used the word "babysnatchers", instead of > > being smart enough to find ways to avoid needing to use that word. > > My girlfriend and I were sitting outside at a cafe in Palo Alto > when these people showed up, leaving their baby outside, and went > in to order brunch. We considered taking the baby next door and > leaving a note, but decided against going to prison forever. You should've just left a note. Felp-tip pens write nicely on baby's smooth skin. Oh, don't give me that about markers having toxic solvents. You should carry one of those surgical markers that use a harmless gentian violet extract which can be washed off with isopropyl alcohol. They only come in purple but that's okay because that's a color creepy tattoos come in. Just write "YOU ARE NEGLIGENT PARENTS" on the baby to teach 'em a lesson. And so that the baby's not traumatized by this, also write "YOU ARE A CUTE BABY AND I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY". If you're worried about getting caught during the time it would take, get a stencil made so you can use spray-paint. Oh, don't give me that about spray paint having toxic solvents. Didn't you read the thread about other uses for spray-on pantyhose? If all else fails, to teach the parents a lesson, you could always just smear something icky on the handle of the baby buggy. -- K. And yet these people never think to leave their annoying cell phones outside. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Shortest comment ever? Date: Fri, 15 Jul 2005 22:14:40 -0400 [news.scotsman.com] -> -> UNITED States interrogators at Guantanamo Bay subjected -> a suspected terrorist to abusive and degrading treatment, -> forcing him to wear a bra, dance with another man and -> behave like a dog, military investigators said yesterday. Wait... dogs don't wear bras! -- K. Fucking Harry Potter. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Shaken...but otherwise okay Date: Sat, 16 Jul 2005 10:40:06 -0400 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Nothing was stolen. Nothing was damaged except for the window screen. It > appears that we walked in on the guy shortly after he broke in. Had we not > stopped for coffee after the film, all of this may have been averted. Or > maybe not. Maybe it would have just happened while I was sitting there in > the living room watching teevee. That's what you get for living in Toronto. Have you considered moving to Canada? In Canada, there is no crime. I hear the police don't even have to carry guns, which is good because there's no good place to keep a gun when you're riding a moose. > I'm doing my best to avoid thinking about the "what ifs". It happened. > We got through it. We're going to be fine. I'm glad you're okay, but I can't help thinking about the "what ifs". Like, what if Superman was richer than Batman? Would he still bother using his super powers, or would he just do like Batman and spend his money on Bat-Criminal-Catching-Spray and other utility-belt cheats? Also, what if Superman rode a moose? And what if a moose was the same as a mouse? And what if Superman broke into your apartment and then you beat him to death with a Kryptonite baseball bat? And what if there's no store around here where I can buy Kryptonite baseball bats? I suddenly want to buy one. That Superman thinks he can do whatever he wants and I'm gonna show him. > Sonia used to have imaginary people breaking in to her apartment all the > time. Man, she'd crap a doozy if she were still living here now! Maybe for old times' sake you should track her down and re-enact the day's events for her. -- K. Have you considered moving to a country that doesn't have crazy people like Sonia, such as Canada? In Canada everyone's so sane it hurts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Village People in the news Date: Sat, 16 Jul 2005 11:24:37 -0400 [news.yahoo.com] -> -> Village People Cop Busted -> -> By Sarah Hall -> -> It may be fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A, but spending time in j-a-i-l -> is likely no walk in the park, even for a macho man. It depends on how much time you can kill debating the relative merits of spelling out things with hyphens between lowercase letters or periods between capital letters. Me, I use asterisks. -> Victor Edward Willis, the original policeman and lead singer from -> the Village People, had a chance to find out firsthand this week -> after he was arrested when police discovered a gun and drugs in -> his car during a traffic stop in Daly City, California. -> -> Willis was was arrested late Monday after police turned up a -> loaded .45, crack cocaine and drug paraphernalia while searching -> his convertible Corvette. -> -> Though it was not clear what prompted the traffic stop, Science cannot understand what causes cops to stop black men driving expensive sports cars! -> it turned out that Willis was wanted on a $15,000 felony warrant -> for possession of narcotics, which prompted his arrest and the -> search of his car. -> -> The former Village Person did not have a valid driver's license or -> any form of identification Not even an album cover with his head circled? -> and initially tried to lie to police about his name and address, -> before switching tactics and informing them that he was a founding -> member of the over-the-top disco band, police said. And then the violent beatdown ensued. I mean, come on, I can't imagine cops anywhere treating you nicer once they find out you were partly responsible for the disco craze. -> Apparently the authorities weren't impressed by his star power. -> Willis was booked into San Mateo County jail on suspicion of six -> felony counts, including driving with a suspended license, -> possession of a firearm and transporting cocaine. -> -> When police searched the "Macho Man" singer's home at the -> Franciscan Mobile Home Park in Daly City, they found cocaine -> residue, more drug paraphernalia and two pit bulls locked in -> the bedroom. At last science has answered the question, "How many pit bulls does it take to fill a mobile home?" -> On Tuesday, Willis posted $100,000 bail and was released. -> -> The fallen disco star is scheduled to be arraigned Aug.16. He was -> previously convicted of possessing drugs in 1990 and was acquitted -> of rape in 1993. Also aiding and abetting a fake band. -> As the lead singer for the Village People when the band formed in -> 1977, Willis cowrote the band's biggest hits, including "Y.M.C.A," -> "Macho Man" and "In the Navy," but left the band in 1979, shortly -> before the shooting started on the group's film, Can't Stop the Music. Those three were their biggest hits, and their other hits were... Um... oh... Well, I know they did record at least one other song, because there were four songs on their first album... Hmm... I'll have to think about this. -> The band, made up of the Cop, the Native American (Felipe Rose), -> the Soldier (Alex Briley), the Construction Worker (David Hodo), -> the Cowboy (Jeff Briley) and the Biker (Eric Anzalone), took its -> inspiration from icons of social groups indigenous to New York's -> Greenwich Village, according to the official Village People -> Website. I don't know where to begin with what's wrong with that sentence. Still, it's nice to know that Native Americans are indigenous to Greenwich Village. I was going to complain that the sentence fails to mention Glenn Hughes, but I can think of lots of other sentences that need more Glenn Hughes. It's a common problem. Everyone knows that anything you read in a fortune cookie can be improved by adding Glenn Hughes. -> After Willis left, he was replaced in the Cop role by Ray Simpson, -> who remains the band's lead singer today. I'm not really familiar with the All-New Original Reconstituted Substitute Village People or whatever the band is called now, but back in the day, I would say "lead singer" was kind of a moot title when the group consisted of one person who could sing, one person who could dance, and four others who were the right height to stand next to them. I can do that, too. This proves that they weren't a very good band. There aren't really any other bands I'm qualified to be in. That makes me sad. There should be more fake bands so that I can feel like my untalentedness is a valuable commodity. Just think, had I been in the right place at the right time, that might be me, not singing, not dancing, and not playing an instrument behind Bruce Jenner in "Can't Stop The Music". Hmm, I wonder how many terriers that would lead to me owning. (Pit bull terriers are ugly, they'd have to be Jack Russell terriers. Jack Russells are cute, and why go to the trouble of having an ugly dog?) And how come we never hear about Josie And The Pussycats or The Jolly Green Giants getting arrested for smoking crack? (The Brady Six did get arrested for smoking crack last week, but five of them got off scot-free when Cindy tattled on it being all Jan's fault.) -- K. They still haven't found Cousin Oliver's meth lab. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Village People in the news Date: Sat, 16 Jul 2005 13:28:38 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (Pit bull terriers are ugly, they'd have to be Jack Russell terriers. > > Jack Russells are cute, and why go to the trouble of having an ugly dog?) > > Because Pit Bulls are generally considered less destructive than JRTs. So? Pets are supposed to be destructive. If you want a dog who's not destructive, get a cat. And if you want a cat who's not destructive, get a turtle. Pit bulls just have a creepy ugly look to them, while Jack Russells are adorable. There's no point to owning an ugly dog -- it's even worse than those people who choose to have ugly children. How can people stoop to having ugly children? Haven't they heard of prenatal cosmetic surgery? Facelifts should begin at conception! -- K. They should find a way to cross Jack Russells with children to get cute children. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: happy birthday to Our Holy Atomic Mother Date: Sat, 16 Jul 2005 18:03:19 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > today, June 16th, is the 60th anniversary of the Trinity atomic tests, > when the very first atomic bomb was explodiated. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ATOM > BOMB! ALL HAIL THE AGE OF THE NEW FLESH! > > no, wait... > > let me tell you, I'd be watching "Beneath the Planet of the Apes" RITE > NOW, IYKWIM, if I had a copy, or if stupid Blockbuster would allow me > to rent videos. because, I could use me some bald telepathic > mutant-on-mutant action right about now, especially if there are some > gorllas with carbines gunnin' 'em down. Big deal. I'm about to celebrate Exploding Day by watching the second prequel to "Ichi The Killer" -- the live-action prequel, not the animated prequel -- and then I'm going to detonate an atomic bomb and then I'm going to watch some other movie where people die, things blow up, or Shatner acts. With luck the atomic bomb will be the least violent part of my day. Also it's not really an atomic bomb, it's just a 3000-watt light bulb, and I'm not going to blow it up, I'm just going to plug it in and go blind. But it is shaped like a bomb and was made by General Electric, so it must be a munition of some sort. (The odd part is that it's 110-volt, not 220-volt, so it must have been intended for home use. I wonder if there's some sort of giant lampshade I can buy for this monster bulb?) To further enhance its bomb-like quality, this light bulb warns me it will "BURN BASE UP." > this is another bad thing about the current future: not only do we not > have flying cars, we don't have radiation-scarred bomb-worshipping > mutants. it looked so promising at first, what with all the > nuclear-themed populux drive-ins they showed us in "Atomic Cafe". but > somewhere along the line, things went wrong, and all we got were > fundamentalist end-timers. Not An Acceptable Substitute For Mutants! Also I can't find the loose electrical cord I was going to attach to a pair of alligator clamps so maybe I won't be able to light up my megabulb today. (This is not some wimpy little "mogul base" bulb, its contacts are two metal posts four inches apart. They're the diameter of Slim Jims.) Come to think of it, this could be some alien form of processed meat -- the electrodes are Slim Jims and the bulb itself is the shape and size of a stubby salami. It's a meatbulb torpedo! http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_07_big_bulb_9555.jpg Anyone know what the specific application of this bulb is supposed to be? (Stadium light? Space shuttle landing light? The light at the back of Kirstie Alley's fridge?) > mutants would have been a Good Thing not only because the theological > arguments with bomb-worshippers would be pretty interesting, but also > because I'm sure some of the mutants would dress up in tights and stage > fantastic battles in Times Square. instead, we get hookers. What do you mean by "get"? Do you mean we understand hookers, or do we shoot hookers, or do we mail-order hookers? 'Cause some of those would be wrong. > I hope everyone has a happy bomb-worshipping weekend. ALL HAIL "DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: THE MOVIE"! No, wait. If that movie ever became our evil overlord we would just demand our money back and then it would sulk off to go pretend it was going to make make sequels. ALL HAIL THE LUMINOUS MULTI-KILOWATT MEATBULB! -- K. Now, it's movie time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: happy birthday to Our Holy Atomic Mother Date: Sun, 17 Jul 2005 08:22:16 -0400 Bruno VeSota (vesota@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also it's not really an atomic bomb, it's just a 3000-watt light bulb, > > and I'm not going to blow it up, I'm just going to plug it in and go > > blind. But it is shaped like a bomb and was made by General Electric, > > so it must be a munition of some sort. (The odd part is that it's > > 110-volt, not 220-volt, so it must have been intended for home use. > > I wonder if there's some sort of giant lampshade I can buy for this > > monster bulb?) > > You puttin' a penny in ya fusebox dere? Hey, it's only a 30-amp bulb. If I wanted to make trouble I'd plug in my 30-amp, 110-volt spot welder and flush the toilets at the same time. If I wanted to melt a penny, I'd just use a blowtorch. The fun thing about pennies is that they have a low enough melting point that you can put a piece of some metal with a higher melting point (such as silver) on top of the penny and then heat it with your torch and watch the solid piece of silver sink into the penny. You can make pennies with funny things embedded in them. I don't know what happens if you then leave one of these on the railroad tracks, especially if you first hook the tracks up to the spot-welder so that the train gets welded in place like those MIT students are rumored to have done after they rerouted the Red Line tracks to go through some guy's dorm room. -- K. I did try hooking the big bulb up to a Tesla coil but it hardly did anything compared to most other bulbs. So no Uncle Fester tricks with it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: happy birthday to Our Holy Atomic Mother Date: Sun, 17 Jul 2005 08:15:34 -0400 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Big deal. I'm about to celebrate Exploding Day by watching the > > second prequel to "Ichi The Killer" > > Big deal. > > I spent the day and night with the most wonderful woman I have ever > recently known. Nicko, Mrs. Butterworth isn't real. Furthermore, when someone has sex with a bottle of her, _she_ doesn't go around bragging about it. I would recount the interesting lucid dream I had this morning after watching "1-Ichi" but it was psychologically significant so I'll just say it was a lot of fun. Plus, the dream really should have come after "Episode 0" not "1-Ichi". I suppose that's okay because maybe the dream will turn out to be the third part of something I'm watching out of sequence because they always make the third movie in a series self-contained so that it makes perfect sense when you watch it by itself like "Exorcist Part 3" or "Let's Ride The Pervert Train Part 3". Is there really a Japanese movie called "Let's Ride The Pervert Train Part 3", or even "Part 1"? Does it involve whatever the Japanese word for frottage is, or that inventor who rode the bullet train with the inflatable underwear that went off at the wrong time, or just those guys who have to shove people into the tiny little trains while wearing Mickey Mouse gloves? An IMDB search for "Pervert Train" caused it to tell me to just go watch "Perfect Strangers" reruns, and I don't even want to think about Balki riding the Pervert Train with Mrs. Butterworth. "Balki, you got pancake syrup all over my sudoku!" -- K. I forget, was it Lenny or Squiggy on "Laverne & Shirley" who was said to do unspecified perverted things with bottles of honey? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What's a cube steak? Date: Sun, 17 Jul 2005 08:04:37 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > My parents used to buy a side of beef (known in our house as "half a > > cow") periodically. They had a big freezer and stuffed it full of > > various cuts of meat. Then one time, they went on vacation for a > > couple of weeks, during which time the freezer broke down. They came > > home to a stinky house and a stinky, messy freezer half full of > > rotting beef. > > You just reminded me of when we got the rental freezer at the butcher > place. We had a separate freezer that died. We were home, so it > didn't all rot while we were away or anything, but it was a real pain > to pack up all that beef and take it down to the freezer rental place. > Eventually she got another freezer and we stopped renting the freezer > in the huge cold room. I remember the day we were transferring stuff > we had to keep the freezer door closed as much as possible and we were > packing our cooler boxes and going to the freezer place to unload them > and heading home to pack some more... How could I have forgotten that > part of the story? Even more important, WHY THE HELL DID YOU HAVE TO > REMIND ME OF IT?! Lucy, there's no need to get mad at Ethel. The important thing is that the two of you should gang up on Ricky and Fred and disguise yourselves as men to infiltrate their Women-Haters Club. Lucy, you be an Arab sheik, and Ethel, you be a billionaire railroad tycoon. It'll serve those men right for making you return that new hat to the store! I'll be right back as soon as you get locked in the freezer. -- K. Bobby Brady can't save you now! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Violence in sports has now infected Pee-Wee Tee-Ball Date: Sun, 17 Jul 2005 09:48:12 -0400 [msn.foxsports.com] -> -> Report: Coach paid player to harm disabled boy -> Associated Press -> -> PITTSBURGH (AP) -- A T-ball coach allegedly paid one of his -> players $25 to hurt an 8-year-old mentally disabled teammate so -> he wouldn't have to put the boy in the game, police said Friday. Hooray! At last we have discovered a new level of sleaziness for child abusers! All the other child abusers are hyar -----------> But this guy is down hyar ------------------- ^ \ | \ SOME DISTANCE \ | \ v -------------------> -> Mark R. Downs Jr., 27, of Dunbar, is accused of offering one of -> his players the money to hit the boy in the head with a -> baseball, police said. Witnesses told police Downs didn't want -> the boy to play in the game because of his disability. A more sensible solution would have been to just slip the kid some steroids. -> Police said the boy was hit in the head and in the groin with a -> baseball just before a game, and didn't play, police said. However, he then changed into a motorcycle racing suit with a luminous "1" on the back and left the slaughtered corpses of the team strewn around the baseball field, and then this guy came at him with a six-foot-long hypodermic filled with all of the world's deadliest poisons plus some magical herbs to make him immortal so that he could be in agony forever, but the poison just made his head tilt to one side and a firehose full of blood squirt out of the other side of his neck, and then razor blades popped out of his -- but perhaps I have seen too many Japanese movies. -> "The coach was very competitive," state police Trooper Thomas B. -> Broadwater said. "He wanted to win." What sort of trophy do they give you for coaching a winning T-ball team? I assume that, unlike a regular trophy that you can hold over your head, it's mounted on some sort of post that keeps it at eye level. -> Downs has an unpublished telephone number and couldn't -> immediately be reached for comment Friday. It was unclear -> whether he had an attorney. LAWYERS OF THE WORLD, START DIALING!!! -> He was arrested and arraigned Friday on charges including -> criminal solicitation to commit aggravated assault and -> corruption of minors. He was released from jail on an -> unsecured bond. What's an unsecured bond? Is that like a rope that's not tied tight? -> [...] -> -> League organizers investigated accusations against Downs before -> the T-ball season ended earlier this month but could not prove -> that he did anything wrong. If Downs is convicted of any crime, -> he won't be allowed to be a coach next year, Forsythe said. The -> league is not affiliated with Little League International. But is it affiliated with Crotchball Whammo International? -- K. I've already got the uniforms designed. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Medical question Date: Mon, 18 Jul 2005 11:59:15 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > So yesterday I got so tired I couldnt drive all the way home. So I > stopped at McDonald's for a lard meal, some OJ and coffee. Still barely > made it home. Took a sleeping pill and a Klonopin. Laid there for > awhile. Decided my side still hurt and took one, then another Vicodin. > Laid there for a while. Had a beer and two Xanax plus another Klonopin. > Watched SNL Christopher Walken for awhile. Is it true that if you take a sleeping pill and a K and a V and two X and another K that it's almost enough drugs to make the current season of "saturdaynightlive" more entertaining than staring at a piece of blank graph paper? Also, I hate to tell you this, but McDonalds doesn't put real lard in their Happy Meals any more. If you want lard, you'll have to go to Krispy Kreme. Remember Krispy Kreme? Everybody was talking about them three years ago before everyone forgot about them. I wonder if they're still in business? > Finally gave up, went to bed at the regular time and slept a normal 8 > hours. Woke up perky and even did some yard work. Got a giant algae > thrombus out of the pond pipes BEWARE THE GIANT ALGAE RHOMBUS! "Aaaaaiiieeee! All four sides of the algae are equal in length and opposite sides of the algae are parallel but without being able to find a right angle there's no way to kill this algae with my T-square!" > and splashed in another dose of algae killer (after the first dose, > the water became so clear that the remaining algae could be seen to > the bottom of the pond) > > It is extremely weird to be laying there, so sleepy I cant stand it, > and unable to fall asleep. That's the Sudafed talking. Either that or you drank too much algae killer. > I guess this is more of a tale than a question. If you still can't sleep, look for a recent episode of "saturdaynightlive". -- K. And if you want to see Christopher Walken being really funny, put on "Clutch Cargo" and ask Walken where he hid the watch. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Fast Food Fish Bacon Date: Mon, 18 Jul 2005 12:21:13 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > So I ordered some fish sandwhiches from the local fast food joint. > > They asked if I wanted bacon on it. > > I declined. > > This worried me. It worries me, too, that you would decline the offer of perfectly good free bacon. Have you had a checkup lately? You should get this looked into, because if you're turning down bacon, I don't know what's next, like maybe you'll start eating roofing shingles or wearing your plastic pirate hat backwards to be cool. Maybe you'll even become one of those weirdos who eats scallops without wrapping them in bacon. > Bacon, on fish? Surely, they must have mis-heard my order. So when I > pulled up, I asked for them to re-confirm. I explained that I was > confused because they offered to put bacon on my fish sandwhiches. > > The nice employee explained that many people enjoy bacon on fish > sandwhiches. You see, normal humans enjoy bacon more than anything else, which is why bacon is good on everything. It's good on a sandwich, it's good on a Friday, it's good on TV, it's good on an open wound, it's good on a court-martial board. > Dear World: > > Stop being weird. > > Love, me. Dear Lots42, No. We love bacon. And in a choice between bacon and you, we're going to side with the bacon. Sincerely, everyone else in the Universe, officially notarized. Signatures available upon request, in exchange for bacon. Give us bacon. -- K. Bacon is the candy of meats.