From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I'm currently very busy upgrading my imaginary supermarket. Date: Wed, 27 Jul 2005 21:25:21 -0400 From the press release on Burger King's icky "new" elongated chicken nuggoids: -> The thin strips of juicy whole muscle chicken breast are coated -> with zesty, seasoned batter and are served in a distinctive portable -> container with a built-in well for dipping sauce. Burger King -> Corporation specially designed the packaging for consumers' hectic, -> on-the-go lifestyles. Yeah, well, MY supermarket sells Chicken Fries in a NON-portable container to make it impossible to spill them! The container is a hole drilled into the top of Abraham Lincon's head on Mount Rushmore. It's patriotically delicious to eat chicken extroots from Honest Abe's fontanelle! Incidentally, Lamb-Weston (who stamp out all the sugar-blasted fast food french fries in the world) have been making "chicken fries" for years, and KFC was selling them in Canada when I visited Edmonton a few years ago. Also I call dibs on requiring everyone else in the Universe to use my new words "nuggoids" and "extroots" every day. -- K. Also, "meatwiglets". That's a good word for discussing either meat twigs or meat wigs, and if you see a small tree branch with a curly sandwich steak draped over it you can use it in both senses at the same time. Whatever word you use for your "chicken fries", don't forget that they're the first fried chicken that can poke your eyes out just like a real chicken. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: CourtTV's Hell's Angels fashion review Date: Wed, 27 Jul 2005 22:12:44 -0400 [www.courttv.com] -> -> Hells Angels linked to fatal casino brawl move to have all -> charges dismissed -> -> By Chris O'Connell Court TV -> -> LAS VEGAS -- Lawyers for seven members of the Hells Angels -> motorcycle gang charged with three counts of murder and 49 other -> crimes related to an April 2002 brawl at Harrah's Casino in -> Laughlin, Nev., will argue Monday to have all charges against -> their clients dropped. And why is this news? It's just the sort of thing any competent lawyer should be doing in any trial. I mean, why would it even be worth showing up in court if you didn't want to get the charges dismissed by any loophole necessary? -> [...] -> -> Dressed in outfits ranging from corporate casual to jeans to -> Hawaiian shirts, none of the defendants wore their biker vests -> or club patches to court Thursday -- although Leedom donned a -> belt that read "Hells Angels." All's I know is that if a Hell's Angel is wearing it, it's not "corporate casual". If someone else were wearing the same clothes, they might be "corporate casual". But the fact that the clothes are on a Hell's Angel makes the clothes either much cooler than or much less cool than "corporate casual", depending on whether you're the sort of person who might ever wear "corporate casual", whatever the hell that is this week. I think what the writer meant to write was, "Hell's Angels don't wear neckties." But that would never get printed because no respectable magazine would dare admit the Hell's Angels are too smart to wear stupid neckties. Why do neckties still exist? (I haven't worn a necktie in, oh, I dunno, how many years has it been since the 1980's?) Still, this article was the most important fashion news I read on the CourtTV site today. Maybe the writer should look into whether the Hell's Angels fight with the Mongols was just their attempt to give them an extreme makeover. I hope there will be many more CourtTV articles on Hell's Angels couture, especially if there are any where the writer complains that it's not easy enough to be scared of them when they're dressed like Jerry Seinfeld. Though personally, I think the real story should be that people should be more scared of Jerry Seinfeld -- whether or not his belt has words on it. -> Defense attorney David Chesnof asked the court Friday to allow -> the Hells Angels to wear their club vests and patches during the -> trial. -> -> "We believe they have a First Amendment right to dress as they -> want," he said. That's a valid argument, and I plan to use it if I'm ever tried for public nudity. -> District Judge Michael Cherry avoided making a ruling on the -> matter, but expressed his desire to keep a sense of decorum in -> the courtroom. -> -> "It's 120 degrees outside. I can't imagine someone wearing a -> coat," Cherry said. "I don't want to make this a circus." ...then he hiked up his long black dress, and looked out the window at the eight circus-themed casinos next to the courthouse. Just 'cause the judge is wearing a dress doesn't mean he gets to be Mommy and tell people whether or not they're cold. "You're cold, put on a sweater or I'll cite you for contempt of court and sass-mouth. I'll send you to jail and also ground you." Surely our justice system can withstand people wearing clothes with words on them saying which groups they belong to, unless this is a trial based on the secret "Ssh! Don't let the jury know these Hell's Angels are members of the Hell's Angels!" system. If I were the judge, the Hell's Angels would get to dress however the fuck they wanted, 'cause I wouldn't be wearin' no black ballgown. Neither judges nor anyone else in Renaissance-inspired garb should be telling anyone how to dress. I DEMAND MY RIGHT TO DRESS AS A 29TH-CENTURY TIMECOP WHEN I VISIT THE RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL! Men in sateen Nostradamus gowns are almost as silly as reporters who take notes on what type of belts people in court are wearing. -> Six Mongols are facing identical charges for their role in the -> riot and were originally set stand trial next to the Hells -> Angels, but a judge separated the two cases. The Mongols trial -> is scheduled to begin in February 2006. But will Bluto ever stand trial for wrecking their homecoming float? -- K. I still don't understand why Renaissance festivals usually have a "no all-leather costumes" rule. It's a mystery why that rule exists, as all it does is keep me out. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: CourtTV's Hell's Angels fashion review Date: Thu, 28 Jul 2005 00:33:45 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Just 'cause the judge is wearing a dress doesn't mean he gets > > to be Mommy and tell people whether or not they're cold. "You're > > cold, put on a sweater or I'll cite you for contempt of court and > > sass-mouth. I'll send you to jail and also ground you." > > You haven't spent much time around judges, have you? I've been around them enough to know they all wear dresses. That's one of the many reasons I could never take Wapner seriously. That and the fact that he was more tightly-wound than the rubber band in Pee-wee's spinning bow tie. > > If I were the judge, the Hell's Angels would get to dress however > > the fuck they wanted, 'cause I wouldn't be wearin' no black ballgown. > > And this is why you will never be a judge. Lack of a law degree may > also be a factor. I beg to differ. I have already been a judge. I even signed the prize certificates. -- K. Sadly, my role as judge disqualified me from competing. I forget which kid's cartoon won. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Village People in the news Date: Wed, 27 Jul 2005 22:47:38 -0400 Gobleteer (gobleteer@cwazy.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I was going to complain that the sentence fails to mention Glenn Hughes, > > but I can think of lots of other sentences that need more Glenn Hughes. > > It's a common problem. Everyone knows that anything you read in a > > fortune cookie can be improved by adding Glenn Hughes. > > This is also true of the pope. Switch "the pope" in for almost anything. > Try it. I don't know, I don't think he'd have what it would take to replace Glenn Hughes. Maybe he could replace the original cowboy (Randy), but he'd still need a bunch of plastic surgery to have that weird polyhedral face. If I ever accidentally travel back in time and then accidentally become one of the Village People, I'm not sure whether I want to be the octahedron or the dodecahedron. Maybe I'd even be the rhombic tricontahedron if they pay by the side. But one thing's for sure, I ain't no snub cube. -- K. Don't even mention the word "gyrobifastigium". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terrible Secrets of Space Redux Date: Wed, 27 Jul 2005 23:04:03 -0400 Last week, Vapolluan (hpappas7@comcast.net) wrote: > > This is the second time posting this , I tried finding the post on > several different computers. It hasnt appeared after 6 hours. > Going back to the beginning of the adventure.... > I arrived at the airport and called STD to see if I could reach > Kibo.The very nice person that answered said he was not in, Yes, well, that's because I got laid off. Last year. > but he would send Kibo an e-mail mentioning that I was looking for him. > Nothing happened. Hi, Leo. Sorry I've been too busy to keep up with stuff lately, but I've been doing it JUST TO AVOID YOU. > I then dragged my friend, a lawyer from Atlanta , to the STD address I > found on an old usenet post, 1330 Beacon street or something like > that.After a 20 dollar cab ride, we arrived to discover that STD has > not been in that building for a long time. Yes, they closed the office a while after I got laid off. Last year. > I did not check my facts before posting my nonsense.I then called > the same gentleman I spoke with when I first arrived (after finding out > that 411 gave me 3 addresses for STD)and asked him where the heck > STD was. He gave me a certain address and we headed that way. My > lawyer friend, George, said "you must really love this guy to go > through all this effort"-I did not feel like getting into the > intricate subjects of "lurve", "happynet", and "you're allowed." Go ahead, ask me what love _really_ is. I dare you. > I told him to shut up and deal with it. I reached the address and found > myself in a neighborhood with absolutely no business type buildings, > just houses. I again called the person I talked to before, asking what > the the deal was, where is STD? He answered "is that you out front in > the cab?" I said yes, and he said come to the door, he would come out > and receive the gift. Hmmm. I gave him the additive , and I left happy, > having delivered the super hot food additive to someone that sees Kibo > from time to time. I then began to wonder.. > 1)Kibo runs a bunch of safehouses > 2)He helps find people in the witness protection program places to > live. > 3)He has the luxury of working whenever he feels like it. All three were true, at least until I got laid off. Last year. I'll pick up the bottle of capsaicin whenever they hire me back. > Obviously the third option was most likely, and we left after > delivering the package . I posted this early this morning and it didnt > show up on several of my friends laptops, the hotel computers(if you > can call web TV a computer). Probably just a glitch, but I contacted > google about this, and I will get back to them in a couple of days. While you're at it, ask Google to dig up any posts I've made in the past year where I pretended to be still employed at that office that's now been converted into a carpet-sample showroom or something. I don't even know whether the evil psychiatrist with the fluorescent-barf- colored "treatment" rooms is still in that building. > Sooo..that is the little story that at least had a partially decent > ending. The post not showing up at all many hours after I posted it is > what turned a perfect ending into a partially decent ending. > > Leo "forgot to check his facts before posting nonsense to UNSENET" > Sgouros By the way, have I mentioned I haven't worked for ST&D in almost a year? Well, at least I hope you got to meet Tom Kraemer when you were there. -- K. Did you at least say you were Archimedes Plutonium when you rang the doorbell? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: If you can't send all the workload to India Date: Wed, 27 Jul 2005 23:08:41 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > We're having new carpet installed that's a fairly tolerable mishmash of > yellow, black, white, dark blue, and light aqua, with big squares of a > kind of teal-grey at the intersections of the hallways. Now they're > starting to paint the hallway walls--some reasonable color, possibly? > No, it's a frightening terracotta color they call something like "antique > copper." Oh, and it's next to bright blue columns. There's only one thing to do with any carpet decorated with big squares -- number them with some sort of permanent fabric paint and start bouncing a kickball around until either the carpet gets fired or you do. > I guess if they can't send all our work to India they decided we need to > have a little of India brought to us. I'd rather send out for the #3 vindaloo, provided there's some sort of Styrofoam cup they can pack it in that won't get dissolved. -- K. I still want there to be more availability of pork vindaloo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Whatcha got in the trunk? continues. Date: Wed, 27 Jul 2005 23:43:44 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > I like gay guys. HAW HAW U LIKE GAY GUYS !!!!1 (Better than you like straight guys, or just better than you like women?) > > Next up: Lots42 tells us, "Some of my best friends are gay guys." > > Not really. Not since he had a huge drama queen snit because we didn't > backup him in his outright lie against a third party. True story. > Stupid bastard. Well, he shouldn't go around trying to tell people he's friends with a straight guy named Lots42 if you can't keep up the act. > > > Their existence means less competition for the straight women > > > > No, as a straight women, I can tell you that the existence of gay guys > > does not diminish the competition we experience. Exactly. Lots42, you need to know that the moment you tell your female friends you're gay, they'll all want to sleep with you. Believe me, being gay is the best way to get chicks! You'll have to scrape 'em off with a spatula. > > Now ask KevinS to explain what you did wrong. > > Besides not kissing his feet? Shouldn't you finish cleaning my boots first? -- K. Remember, the back of the tongue has the most scrubbing buds. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Whatcha got in the trunk? continues. Date: Thu, 28 Jul 2005 00:00:05 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > But that's his major accomplishment--attaining the status of old fart > > at such a young age. > > > > It is exciting to see how he will build on his success. His attempt to > > be a fussy closeted homosexual old fart a few months back was quite > > good, > > I am not homosexual. Hey, stop plagiarizing stuff I said a few years ago. Anyway, the important thing is that people who are in the closet are funny. That's why Conan O'Brien does all those "Blah blah blah Clay Aiken blah blah blah totally faggy!" and "Blah blah blah Richard Simmons blah blah blah so queer!" jokes, because for some reason it's not funny to call Harvey Fierstein gay. If Conan ever tried that, the entire audience would yell in unison, "BECAUSE HE'S THE GAYEST PERSON EVER, THAT'S NOT FUNNY, EVEN THOUGH HE HAS A CRAZY CARTOON VOICE THAT SHOULD BE A ROBOT ON 'FUTURAMA'!" It's only funny to pick on straight people who aren't actually gay. That's why I try not to tease you very often. (Believe me, I fight down the urge hundreds of times a day.) Anyway, gay, straight, whatever, we all still love you. And by that I just mean simple platonic love, not the kind that dare not show its pirate hat in public. By the way, how come they haven't made ninjas gay the way they made all pirates and superheroes gay? Seems like ninjas should be allowed to all be gay. After all, we know all samurai are gay (if you don't believe me, see Nagisa Oshima's movie "Taboo") so I bet the ninjas would know how to have a wildly gay ol' time, and besides, come on, those throwing stars are such a giveaway. To say nothing of tabi socks. -- K. If a ninja wears regular socks under his tabi boots, he hops around screaming "AAAAAIIIIEEEE FOOT WEDGIE!" which isn't good for stealth. So real ninjas never wore socks because they hadn't yet discovered they could buy tabi socks on Amazon.com. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: And now for some comic relief... Date: Thu, 28 Jul 2005 00:11:56 -0400 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > I attended a funeral service the other day and had to make my way there and > back via public transit. With not much else to do, I people-watched while > waiting for a connecting train. There was this one guy who was wearing a > muscle shirt (prolly about 4 sizes too small) and he was leaning against a > wall inside the subway station. He had a teeny-tiny new-fangled > cell phone with him that he kept looking at every few seconds. He knew and > I knew that there was no reception down in that subway station. It was > pretty obvious that he was using the "Let me just check my cell phone" > routine to give him an excuse to flex. Actually, I was watching > him closely...every time he went to check the phone, his pecs flexed and he > watched them flex with much admiration. I never once saw him actually > look at the *phone.* I never look at my cell phone either. Does this mean I also have admirable muscles? Or does it only work if I actually get a cell phone? I want to have muscles, but not if I have to get a cell phone. > He was about 6'2"...bottle-blond hair slicked back in a greasy wave of > sorts. I already mentioned the muscle-shirt one too many times. And > painted-on jeans. > > [...] > > Then, super-dude turned slightly and lo n' behold... > > He had a tattoo of *himself* on his left upper arm. Slicked-back hair > and posing in a muscle shirt. Now what would have been the most awesome mindfuck ever would be if you had rolled up your sleeve and showed him a 50% bigger tattoo of him, above a happy little word-ribbon: _______________ ___| L O S E R |___ \ \_______________/ / /___\/ \/___\ -- K. Remember how, in the olden days, whenever someone wrote a book, they had to write it on a ten-mile ribbon with weird dimpled ends? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Oh My Lordy its Sooooo Hot Outside Date: Thu, 28 Jul 2005 00:25:41 -0400 Mr. Pope John Hole III (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > WORST SUMMER EVER. > > The Moon looked like a big ball of lava as it ascended this evening. Look, if you're going to enter the Bulwer-Lytton "Dark & Stormy Night" contest, you need to improve it to make it worse: WORST AND BADDEST SUMMER. The Moon looked like a big ball of lava as it ascended Uranus. > The damn dew point was 80 something and the humidity in the 90s! "Damn dew point" would be good for a Hemingway pastiche, or a Hunter S. Thompson pastiche, except you might have to kick the curse up a notch. BAMN!!! Sorry, I know Emeril references are so 2001. That's why it would be good for you to do some of them in your story so you could submit it to the Bulwer-Lytton contest as well as the Hunter S. Thompson contest. Every time you insert a "fuck", follow it with a "BAMN!!!", godbamnit! The fucking (BAMN!!!) dew-fucking-point (BAMN!!!) was 80-fucking- something (BAMN!!!) and the humidity clung to my windpipe like some fucking leech-girl's fucking (BAMN!!!) wet talons. Okay, I admit it, I've never read any Hunter S. Thompson stuff, though I do claim half-credit for always getting him confused with William S. Burroughs. He shoulda picked a different middle initial. > I'd cry but you wouldn't be able to tell through the sweat. Then you're a fool for telling us. That's like if, in a Spot story, Spot cried, and then posted to the Internet saying "NONE OF YOU PEOPLE CAN SEE THAT I AM CRYING! 'WAAH', I AM SAYING! ALSO, 'WAAH!', I AM TYPING THAT I AM SAYING! I AM A DOGGIE CRYBABY!" If you cry, take every opportunity to conceal that fact otherwise you could wind up on TV like that football player who burst into tears today just because his coach said he looked fat in those pants, or whatever actually happened, I don't (BAMN!!!) fucking care. -- K. Jeff Altman is doing a comedy routine on Letterman's show right now. 'Cause I just tuned in, I don't know whether he's plugging the "Pink Lady & Jeff" DVDs or the "Challenge Of The Superheroes" bootleg DVD. ("Pink Lady & Jeff" is a lot better.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: State hogties bear expert over remarks Date: Thu, 28 Jul 2005 16:29:15 -0400 Fark.com just linked to the sort of thing which passes for important news in Alaska: [www.adn.com] -> -> State hogties bear expert over remarks See, it's a good thing The Ten Trillion Sparkly Multi-Colored Dancing Bears Of Whatever Ten Trillion Sparkly Multi-Colored Dancing Bears Represent have been retired, because otherwise they'd be all over the hog-tied bear-lover, the bear-tied hog-lover, and every pic-a-nic basket in the vicinity. 'Cause there's just something funny about any headline featuring a state hogtying a bear expert over, under, or behind something. Remember Fred MacMurray as Disney's "The Hog-Tied Bear Expert"? That was before Kurt Russell did "Son Of The Most Hog-Tied Bear In The World" and "The Bear That Went Bananas For Nuts!" I forget which one of those featured the tool shed with the sign that said "PULL ROPE TO DROP WALLS, EVEN WHILE HOG-TIED." -> Sinnott: Biologist over the line in interview, commissioner says. -> -> By Rosemary Shinohara -> Anchorage Daily News -> -> The Alaska Department of Fish and Game will quit responding to -> most nighttime calls about bears in Anchorage neighborhoods. Of course, bears are smart animals. They'll quickly figure out this new schedule and start showing up only at night. And then they'll start testing the rules to figure out whether dusk counts as day or night, and twilight, and dawn, and solar eclipses. WON'T ANYONE PROTECT US FROM BEARS DURING SOLAR ECLIPSES? -> And state biologist Rick Sinnott, until now the main guy dealing -> with bear-human conflicts, You know your job is important when the newspaper refers to you as "the main guy". I wonder if his business card actually says "the main bear guy". -> has been ordered not to talk to the press about bears anymore, -> because of some forceful remarks of his in a newspaper story, -> the state Fish and Game commissioner said Wednesday. Then the reporters cried because his scheduled reading of "Winnie-The-Pooh" was cancelled and now they'll never know whether Tigger managed to cheer up Eeyore. -> Commissioner McKie Campbell said an article in last Thursday's -> Daily News prompted him to tell Sinnott "for the indefinite -> future to cease representing the department on matters dealing -> with bears and bear management." Wait, wait. The headline says this was going to be about him being hogtied, not being gagged. Please stop with the Bondage Bait & Switch, you perverts! -> In the article, Sinnott commented on an incident in which -> someone dumped rotting fish on the Anchorage Hillside, which -> could draw dangerous brown bears close to homes and people. -> -> "I'd like to catch the a-holes who did it and beat the crap out -> of them," Sinnott was quoted as saying. Did he actually say "ayy-holes", or did he just say "assholes"? This is important because "ayy-holes" is funnier, especially if we imagine Fonzie saying it while wearing a Ranger Smith hat and water-ski-jumping over a bear. -> [...] -> -> With Sinnott completely off bears, Hmm, we need to hurry up and find a replacement for the Fifty Quintillion Exploding Dancing Bears Of Winkety-Winky-Wink. How about an All-Glass Gospel Robot Chorus Filled With Candy? Someone needs to celebrate the utterance of the above sentence fragment, not to mention someone else needs to explain that you can't actually get off bears, because you get down off ducks, and the ducks get off by seeing a rabbit in a wedding dress kissing a bald guy. And the a mouse in a sombrero is erased from history forever even though he's not any lamer than any of the other cartoons Warner Brothers cranked out for television. Still, I'm sure the forthcoming series "Loonatics Unleashed" will return them to their glory days of doing Oscar-winning theatrical cartoons instead of -- were we talking about something or other? I'm cold. Where's my oatmeal? -> Coltrane will now decide when to race to a bear trouble scene, -> and she will be doing it mostly during the daytime hours and -> with Fish and Game staff other than Sinnott, Campbell said. -> -> That would leave it up to the Anchorage Police Department to -> handle bear encounters at night. And here come the Ninety-Nine Googleplex Infinitely Large Amoebae Of Wink-Wink-Wink-Wink-Wink-Winkety-Winkety-Wink-Wink-A-Dink-Doo-Dah- Rama-Lama-Fin-Fang-Foom-A-Doodle-Doo-Bomp-She-Bomp-Diddy-Doo-Winkola! Oh, never mind. If I really wanted to see police handling a bear encounter at night, I could go downtown. -- K. I note that after the initial press release for "Loonatics" caused massive uproar over the pathetically "edgy" reworkings of the classic characters, Warner Brothers has changed "Buzz Bunny" to "Ace Bunny", but I don't know whether he still looks like a reject from auditions for Taiwanese knockoffs of Reddy Kilowatt. Also, I heard they're adding a couple Joe Camels, three Poochies, and Pointy Hitler. "OW! HITLER IS POINTY!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Important correspondence of our times: A letter to a country. Date: Fri, 29 Jul 2005 23:18:42 -0400 ************************************************************************** * * * * * * * DEAR NIGERIA, * * * * * * * * NO. * * * * * * * ************************************************************************** -- K. Sorry about all the asterisks, it does it automatically. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Kibology Diet in the news. Date: Sat, 30 Jul 2005 03:53:34 -0400 [entertainment.iafrica.com] -> -> Christina adopts weird diet -> Staff reporter Fri, 29 Jul 2005 -> -> Christina Aguilera is said to be following an extremely weird -> diet which is based on the texture and colour of her food. -> -> The raunchy star is apparently following a diet of meals made up -> of four food items; crunchy, soft, hot and cold. -> -> A source who is close to the star revealed that the 'Dirrty' -> singer's plate must also have food in bold and contrasting colours. -> -> "She has a chef with her most of the time to whip up exactly the -> right meal," the source said. -> -> According to femalefirst.co.uk, Christina recently turned down a -> role in 'The Simpsons' where the producers wanted her to play a -> pop star competing in the TV talent show 'American Idol'. Well, she's discovered two of the three Kibological Food Groups. For many years I've been saying that "thud" food is just as important as "glop" food and "crunch" food. I've been saying this ever since I realized that the secret Martian Communist radio signal in the movie "Aelita, Queen Of Mars" -- "ANTA! ODELI! UTA!" -- was Martian Russian for "GLOP! CRUNCH! THUD!" Or maybe it was "Citizen Kane", I forget. But in any case, someone needs to hunt down Christina Aguilera and force her to comprehend that any good food can go "thud" if you really want it to. Some of my more recent mentions of the three fundamental food groups: [Kibo, September 1998] > > 1. ÊThe id, the ego, and the superego. ÊHow do those correspond to > Ê Ê food that goes glop, crunch, and thud? [Kibo, January 1999, addressing Archimedes Plutonium] > > [...] food that goes "glop" vs. food that goes "crunch" vs. food that > goes "thud". > > Personalitywise, I bet you're a "thud". [Kibo, June 2002] > > In any case, I divide all my food up into "glop", "crunch", and "thud". > Plus I photograph it before I start eating it, so that if I forget what it > is when I'm half done, I can check the photo. "Oh! This was a turkey!" [Kibo, February 2005] > > Good food should be partly semi-solid and partly not semi-solid. > Good food always has "glop"-nature, "crunch"-nature, and "thud"-nature > all at the same time. > > How else could you explain America's obsessive love affair with pizza? > Pizza sauce is glop, pizza crust is crunch, and pizza overall is thud. > Poutine, however, has no crunch and only limited thud, which is why > Americans hate it. (Canadians have their own system of food preferences, > which is that they like exactly the same food as Americans but they also > love anything Americans refuse to eat.) You see? Kibology is getting the word out about the glop-crunch-thud dietary system, and it's even being adopted by major international megastars such as the multitalented Christina Aguilera! I just have one question. Who's Christina Aguilera? Is she famous for anything other than eating like a toddler? -- K. Note that I said that she's eating like a toddler, not that she likes eating toddlers. We're not supposed to know about that yet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Random notes on barely getting hit by lightning. Date: Tue, 02 Aug 2005 23:44:11 -0400 [Please excuse the awkward headlong-hurled-into-a-pile-of-words writing style, but this is one of those events I wanted to jot down fast before I forget all the unimportant details. Of course, I'll have to wait a day before I can post this because my Internet provider seems to be down for some reason...] So, it had been a busy day, and now it was just before midnight, so it was time for dinner. I put it in the oven (roast pork tenderloin in black pepper marinade, with spicy couscous) and took a tub of macaroni salad out of the fridge as an appetizer. I took about two bites, then I heard the thunder. It was a dark and stormy night. You may have seen my earlier photos of lighting striking various buildings in my neighborhood, especially a certain basilica. Whenever there's a thunderstorm at night, I run out onto my high-rise's balcony and make with the snap-snap-snap. During the summer, I keep my camera and a plastic rainsuit by the balcony door just for this purpose. These are classic photos from previous summers: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_lightning_4902.jpg http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_lightning_4853.jpg http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_lightning_200407.jpg http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_lightning_4858.jpg The storm was just starting, so I went out in my underwear (hey, it was summer, it was eighty feet above the street, and most importantly, it was midnight) and started taking pictures. Thunderstorms are very localized. When they're just to the south of me, I see them hitting the far side of the basilica across the street, and a church further south (in Roxbury.) This one seemed to be to the north, as all the lightning was behind my building, so I couldn't see any of the strikes, just the sky flashing. But because my local storms normally move to the east, I pointed the camera to the east -- towards downtown -- and started taking a long series of one-second exposures, hoping to capture something I've always wanted to get, a photo of lightning hitting the Prudential tower. Lightning is actually pretty predictable once you're seen enough of it. During a heavy lightning storm, after a big strike (and the nearby smaller strikes in the next couple seconds) there will be a pause of about ten seconds, and then it'll happen again -- the clouds and sky are a network of capacitors and resistors, so they're charging and discharging repeatedly. In a heavy storm, this cycle may be going on out-of-sync on more than one side of you, and to get good photos you can't turn every time you see a flash -- you have to pick the direction you want to watch, wait for a flash, and then a few seconds later start snapping, and if you time it right, you'll get photos of the beginning of the next cycle. I've gotten dozens of photos of lightning strikes this way (mostly of that basilica across the street.) It started to rain -- very heavy rain. The lightning was getting brighter, but because there was so much water flying through the air, visibility was dropping. I could no longer see the skyscrapers, or anything else more than half a mile away. The strikes behind my building were just making the sky flash solid white: FLASHflashflashflash... pause... FLASHflashflashflash... repeat. But the storm did not seem to be heading out to sea. It was actually coming south! It did not go over the skyscrapers a few miles to the east, but the strikes were heading closer and closer to me, and I saw several hit buildings less than half a mile to the east. (My camera captured two lightning bolts, but because the rain was so heavy the pictures basically just show a uniform purple glow with a spark inside it. This was not a storm which was yielding good photographs.) http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_08_lightning_09807_str.jpg Note how that little bolt missed the skyscraper just to the left, because the shorter building was still under construction and thus attractively clad in exposed steel girders. Of course I saw many bolts which my camera didn't capture (due to them hitting between exposures, or outside the field of view) -- one particularly nice one came horizontally, from somewhere to the north, down the length of a nearby street to hit Wentworth's radio tower from the side. The storm was indeed moving straight towards my building. The sky was now flashing white directly above, and a few advance bolts were probing the basilica. I moved the camera from the now-invisible skyscrapers to the basilica. The rain started pouring down in bucketfuls, and the wind kicked up! I darted back inside to don the plastic rainsuit, and snapped a bunch of photos of the basilica. Visibility was now essentially zero, but when there was a bolt nearby, the basilica would light up as a fuzzy silhouette amid the purple. If the bolt actually hit one of the basilica's lightning rods (i.e. steeples) I got a photo of a white flare washing out most of the frame. The rain was definitely too heavy to get good photos. http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_08_lightning_10002.jpg Here's one of many strikes on Mission Hill behind the basilica: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_08_lightning_09950.jpg Some of the cloudiness is due to drops of water on the lens, but most of it's just the diffusing effect of water flying around in the atmosphere. Now, I should explain that, due to the weird shape of my digital Nikon, to steady it during the long exposures necessary to photograph lightning, I have to rest it on the balcony's railing. But the camera won't lie flat (it has a lump on the right) so I have to use both hands to keep it horizontal. This grip basically results in my right pinky making firm contact with the railing. I reminded myself that I would have about one second to get away from the steel railing if I heard the sound of angry bees -- the sound of "your building is about to be hit by lightning." I've heard it in this building once before. I have no fear of electricity (except in the hands of certain people) and I have almost no fear of lightning, as illustrated by the way my idea of proper lightning safety is to stand out on the balcony in the rain but to be at least six inches back from the wet metal railing. I was genuinely hoping I'd get to see my building get hit by lightning again. I could tell a massive electrical field was building up all around me because my camera was picking up static. The lightning around the basilica was getting stronger and stronger. The pictures didn't get any clearer, just brighter -- white flashes engulfing a fuzzy black basilica. There were at least three lightning cycles going on around me, accompanied by continuous rumbling. During the past half hour, the thunder had gone from a three-second delay to a quarter-second delay to a continuous, immersive environment. (When the storm is distant, you only hear the biggest bolts, but when it's close, you experience all of them, and most are quiet enough not to stand out from the steady rumbling.) One of the nearby strikes not only got the basilica, but actually rang its bell. I'd never heard it do that before. I think I got a photo of that strike, though it's hard to tell, it's basically a picture of a big ball of white, like trying to take a photo of the Sun from five hundred feet away. There's no basilica in the photo. The roof of the convent in front of it is faintly visible, but the basilica itself is somewhere inside the flash itself. It's just a photo of white. http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_08_lightning_10104_hit.jpg (If I contrastify it up a little you can see that there is a roof visible at bottom right, directly in front of the zone of nuclear whiteness:) http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_08_lightning_10104_bri.jpg That was the last photo. Camera fried. I took more photos after that, but the next few were solid white, then after that they all came out garbled. Squiggly pink and green grid patterns -- like psychedelic shredded wheat -- overlaid with the random horizontal lines and dots that say electricity is in the air. http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_08_lightning_10122_gar.jpg http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_08_lightning_10132_gar.jpg I figured that either the camera was already fried or it wasn't, so I attempted some more photos. It switched from taking scrambled pictures to solid black pictures (oddly, the user interface still worked -- little icons floating in front of the blank pictures -- so apparently only the imaging sensor got toasted.) The storm was pretty much over, and since taking solid black photos was getting boring, I turned off the camera and went inside. That was when I noticed the outside of my right pinky was aching as if it had been scalded. Apparently I have a very light first-degree burn from where I was leaning on that railing. Probably electricity came up through the building after one of the nearby strikes. (My electronics seem to have survived any power surges, with the exception of the camera, though my cable box did turn itself off.) I am now very pleased to have gotten a really, really minor lightning injury. I suppose it's also possible I somehow scalded my pinky finger earlier in the day while doing something interesting enough to cause me not to notice I was mildly injuring my finger, but really, I didn't do anything interesting today, except get to see my camera getting fried because God hates the basilica across the street. Who knows, maybe when that strike happened across the street, perhaps a tiny amount of electricity warmed my hand at the same time as my camera got overwhelmed, and I was too busy taking photos to notice it. Or perhaps I imagined it all, except for the part about my camera getting nuked. Or maybe I'm just allergic to rusty metal and got Railing Rash. -- K. The human body can withstand more more electrical current than, say, a blue LED. That's why you seldom see blue LEDs, especially on the electroshock machines in your local mental asylum. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: THE SPECIAL SHOW! New for August, 2005! Date: Tue, 02 Aug 2005 23:45:16 -0400 [New for August. Something I just improvised...] ANNOUNCER (voice-over) We now join "The Special Show!" already in progress, because I was taking a shower. (EXTERIOR OUTER SPACE.) (We are travelling though the Universe. Stars stream past as we pass through galaxy after galaxy, eventually passing beyond all that is, past the end of space, back through time to the beginning of existence itself, a time before the Universe had yet jelled. We see the floating head of MARLON BRANDO.) MARLON BRANDO'S HEAD This is no fantasy! This is no idle speculation, no mere ripoff of someone else's special effects sequence! Let it be known throughout all space and time that Kibo has survived being struck by lightning, unharmed except for a minor soreness in his pinky finger, thus proving that he is Superman, or at least wasn't very close to where the lightning hit! (KIBO flies into view, wearing a red and blue outfit with a long cape. He is shooting green flamethrower flames from his eyes and summoning space fish with radio waves coming out of his ankles.) KIBO (looking at his fists) My hands are nearly enormous! MARLON BRANDO'S HEAD (to KIBO) All the knowledge I have, I bequeath to you, in this crystal. (MARLON BRANDO'S HEAD spits out a transparent crystal into KIBO's hand.) KIBO What sort of crystal is this? MARLON BRANDO'S HEAD It is a space crystal. KIBO Oh. You mean a crystal that's in space? MARLON BRANDO'S HEAD No, I mean a crystal made of space. Space so rich and thick with intelligence that it has distilled itself, crystallized its very existence, into this compact form, which has the power to -- KIBO (while putting the crystal in his pocket) You're boring. You are boring. I must go smash planets together now. (KIBO flies off to a distant galaxy. He picks up a planet in each hand and smashes them together. They explode in a shower of sparks, some of which bounce off the camera lens in ways which destroy the total realism of this special effect.) KIBO But... there must be more to life than causing the greatest destruction the people living on those worlds had ever seen. MARLON BRANDO'S HEAD (hovering over KIBO's shoulder) Not as exciting as being hit by lightning, huh? KIBO I need more electricity in my life! Must... have... electricity! Rrrrrrr! (Atop a distant mountain, inside a psychedelic Seventies-style castle, MORGAN FREEMAN is standing under a sign which says "The Electric Company". He pulls a giant switch. Lightning comes out of the castle's spire, whizzes across the Universe, and strikes KIBO squarely in the chest. It makes him 20% bigger, and the words "Level Up!" appear above his head for a second.) KIBO (to MARLON) Does this cape make me look fat? MARLON BRANDO'S HEAD You are immune to lightning. Remember, Kibo, you are only vulnerable to Kibonite! (Various shots of outer space as MARLON BRANDO's voice echoes throughout the Universe:) MARLON BRAND'S HEAD (voiceover, echo added) KIBO, YOU ARE VULNERABLE TO KIBONITE! YOU ARE VULNERABLE TO KIBONITE! VULNERABLE TO KIBONITE! KIBONITE! KIBO Did you say something? MARLON BRANDO'S HEAD Only this: (A small arm pops out of the top of MARLON BRANDO'S HEAD and points to the other side of the Universe, where all the stars have been permanently rearranged to spell out "Kibo Is Vulnerable To Kibonite.") MARLON BRANDO'S HEAD Kibo is vulnerable to Kibonite! KIBO Yawn. Everybody knows there's no such thing as Kibonite. MARLON BRANDO'S HEAD Don't be so sure. Watch! (MARLON BRANDO's ears detach from his head and float away a little bit. His head disappears and the two ears slowly come together. Just before they touch, they begin to glow and throb, and when they come in contact, they explode, sending rainbow-colored beams of light in all directions. When the dazzling pyrotechnics subside, there is a green crystal floating in space.) KIBO That's it? Another damn crystal? (KIBO takes the space crystal out of his pocket and hurls it at the Kibonite crystal. They stick together and morph into a glowing green elephant blowing pink soap bubbles from its trunk, with the words "Level Up!" appearing above it.) KIBO That's sort of strange. Oh well, I've got planets to destroy, because earlier tonight I was sort of almost barely hit by lightning, perhaps, I think! (KIBO flies away, punching planets as he goes.) (CUT TO:) (We see the Seal Of The President Of The United States.) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) And now, an important message from the President of the United States. THE PRESIDENT Don't do drugs. Also from now on, anyone caught carrying a suitcase, briefcase, backpack, or grocery bag in public will be shot, in order to keep all loyal Americans safe. And now, these commercials. (CUT TO:) (MARTIN LANDAU is in front of a wall completely covered with law books, all of which say "Law Book, Volume I" on the spine.) MARTIN LANDAU Whether you've been hurt in an auto accident or from eating some bad chili, you need a lawyer who will get you everything you deserve, and more. (CUT TO:) (A sleazy BRAND X LAWYER is sitting at his desk. The phone rings and he picks it up.) BRAND X LAWYER Yeah? (CUT TO:) (INTERIOR ATTORNEY RUSSELL J. JACKSON'S OFFICE.) (RUSSELL J. JACKSON is very old, and ugly, and is either very drunk or just very awkward on camera.) RUSSELL J. JACKSON (haltingly, eyes glazed) I have... received... the paper? Work... For your... set... tle... ment offer? BRAND X LAWYER Yeah, so? RUSSELL J. JACKSON Your offer... is... an in... sult... to... my? Client? BRAND X LAWYER Yeah, so? RUSSELL J. JACKSON So I'm... going... (pause) ...to... reject... it... unless... you... give my cli... ent... what they des... (pause, until a stick enters from offscreen and pokes him in the side of the head) erve. BRAND X LAYWER Yeah, so just who do you think you are? RUSSELL J. JACKSON I'm Attorney... Russell... J... Jackson and... I'm... a... (inaudible mumble.) BRAND X LAWYER (bursting into tears) Oh no, Russell J. Jackson!!! I'll give you double whatever you want, Attorney Russell J. Jackson!!! Please stop berating me, Attorney Russell J. Jackson!!! MARTIN LANDAU The system works. Make it work for you! Call Attorney Russell J. Jackson today! RUSSELL J. JACKSON (now much younger, and on scratchy black and white film) You need an attorney who knows the larr, and will word hod to exploit the larr when you have a hod case in a cawt of larr. I'm Attorney Russell J. Jackson! (MARTIN LANDAU looks angry and pounds his fist into his hand.) (CUT TO:) THE PRESIDENT The preceding wacky parody was only a wacky parody and does not represent any real TV lawyer who has TV commercials which make him seem only a twentieth as alive as he thinks he is, and because that sketch does not in any way represent that such a person exists, he cannot sue. I'm the President! MARTIN LANDAU And I'm Martin Landau, for Pampers! Buy Pampers! KIBO And I'm Superman, except better because I'm Kibo! MARGOT KIDDER (rushing in breathlessly) Wow, can you really fly like Peter Pan? KIBO Peter Pan flew with children, Lois. (KIBO grabs MARGOT's hand and flies off, pulling her up into the sky. They fly around. She is so awed by his magical presence that her brain starts rapping.) MARGOT KIDDER (voice-over) Wow, you can fly. Through the sky! We're so very high. But do you love I? I wish you'd try. Because you can fly! And that's why. Will you be my? KIBO WHOOPS! (He drops her on purpose. She screams eight or nine times as she falls, then passes out. KIBO swoops down and catches the unconscious MARGOT.) KIBO Mmm, now for some Super Date Rape! PETER PAN (entering) That's not very superheroic, Super Kibo! KIBO Yeah, but you flew with CHILDREN! (PETER PAN's nose falls off.) (CUT TO:) THE PRESIDENT The preceding sketch about how Michael Jackson is a pedophile was not intended to suggest that Peter Pan was a pedophile. Peter Pan was, in fact, Sandy Duncan, a woman with a human nose. And now, back to tonight's movie, "Superman: The Movie", starring Christopher Reeve as Kibo. KIBO There's only one place Lex Luthor could be hiding. The secret abandoned backup Empire State Building, located directly beneath the regular Empire State Building! (KIBO spins around and drills his body down through the sidewalk to land in LEX LUTHOR's lair.) LEX LUTHOR Kibo, with your super powers of super intelligence, surely you know that you should not open this lead box. KIBO Oh yeah? Well, Lex, if you're telling the truth, then you don't want me to open that lead box, therefore I will! (KIBO opens it. The glowing green Kibonite crystal is inside, glowing so brightly that it makes screeching noises. KIBO collapses.) LEX LUTHOR Yes, Super-Ding-Dong, that's Kibonite, the only substance in the Universe which can render you weak and helpless so that supervillains will then leave you alone and assume you will eventually die of old age or something, unless someone rescues you by putting a hankie over the green rock. KIBO (weakly) Where did you get Kibonite? LEX LUTHOR It's a fragment of your home planet. It was hurled into space when your home planet was destroyed... when you destroyed it. KIBO Uh oh. I appear to have been caught in a trap of my own hubris. LEX LUTHOR Now that's bad writing. KIBO Sorry. Put the rock back in the box and let's try again. LEX LUTHOR Fair enough. (Puts the rock away.) Now, Kibo, surely you know that you should not open this lead box. KIBO Hokay, I won't. LEX LUTHOR Hey! You tricked me! KIBO You forget, I have the Super-Intelligence to defeat a brilliant mind like yours. LEX LUTHOR Oh, I wish my henchman, Otis, were here. But he's away on a rafting trip with some manly guys. (CUT TO:) (EXTERIOR BACKWOODS DEEP SOUTH.) (NED BEATTY, BURT REYNOLDS, JON VOIGHT, and BRIAN BLESSED are paddling a tiny rubber raft down a river.) NED BEATTY Watch out! The water's getting choppy! BRIAN BLESSED (very loudly) Then 'tis a fine and mighty challenge for stout-hearted men! I laugh at the danger, HA-HA!!! BURT REYNOLDS We'll have to paddle faster if we're going to win this race and defeat those guys from Boner House! JON VOIGHT That stuck-up frat! Boner House! (The guys from Boner House -- STEVE GUTTENBERG, LEN CELLA, COLM MEANY, and ANTHONY NEWLEY -- paddle past, mooning our heroes.) NED BEATTY Why, those little! BRIAN BLESSED (even more loudly) I laugh at your bare behinds, HA-HA!!!!! JON VOIGHT Ow, my ears! BURT REYNOLDS It's a shame you don't have super powers like Kibo so you could fly ahead of them. JON VOIGHT Well, actually, there was this movie called "Fearless Frank" where -- NED BEATTY Look out! Panties! (The Boner House guys are throwing panties at them.) JON VOIGHT (shaking his fists in the air) Grrrr! Boner House! (CUT TO:) THE PRESIDENT I have to leave the room now that someone said that. VICE PRESIDENT Said what? "Boner House"? THE PRESIDENT Oop! (THE PRESIDENT flees. The VICE PRESIDENT takes his place at the big desk.) VICE PRESIDENT Now I'm the President! At last, I get to be the one who tells you not to do drugs! Hey! Don't do drugs! (He begins to break-dance while making beat-box noises, and raps.) VICE PRESIDENT (rapping) Don't do drugs! Don't do drugs! Don't do drugs! Don't do drugs! (MARGOT KIDDER enters and joins in.) VICE PRESIDENT & MARGOT KIDDER (rapping) Don't do drugs in da sky! Don't do drugs or you'll die! Don't do drugs or your mama'll cry! Don't do drugs because they won't make you fly! (They both jump out windows and fall to their death. KIBO swoops into the scene and surveys the carnage.) KIBO This would have never happened if they had listened to the stern moral warnings of Captain Planet instead of enjoying a more entertaining superhero like me. MARTIN LANDAU Wow, and to think you wrote all that just because you couldn't figure out whether or not your finger hurts from you looking at some lightning. KIBO Shut up or I'll turn this car around. MARTIN LANDAU Wait, why is the President's office in a car? (They look around and it is. The Oval Office is driving past a Stuckey's.) KIBO You ruined my ending! MARTIN LANDAU Ha ha! (pause) TURD!!! KIBO I'm never putting you in "The Special Show!" again! MARTIN LANDAU TURD TURD TURD TURD!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, TURD TURD TURRRRRRD!!! KIBO Okay, fine, you asked for it. (KIBO's eyes glow and green flamethrower special effects come out, blasting MARTIN LANDAU into outer space where he collides with MARLON BRANDO, fusing them into MARTON BRANDAU.) MARTON BRANDAU Wait, I think you just wrote something that couldn't be filmed. KIBO But don't you get it? The fact that it's unfilmable is the only thing that makes it worth filming! MARTON BRANDAU I am shamed and humiliated by your dazzling display of Super-Smartness. KIBO Ha-ha! TURD!!! MORGAN FREEMAN Tuh? MARTON BRANDAU Urd! MORGAN FREEMAN Tuh-- MARTON BRANDAU Urd! MORGAN FREEMAN and MARTON BRANDAU (together) Tuh-urd! TURD!!! KIBO Okay, we've all said it. Enough times to balance out the overly intelligent, sophisticated political satire in this episode. VICE PRESIDENT What was that? STEVE GUTTENBERG Panties!!! (The BONER HOUSE guys put a pair of panties on the VICE PRESIDENT's head.) VICE PRESIDENT Now I am the one who is shamed and humiliated. KIBO And I am like Superman, but better! SUPERMAN So now I am shamed and humiliated. KIBO Superman, you weren't even in this episode! Go away! SUPERMAN I must now return to my Fortress Of Not Yelling "Turd!!!" For Some Sort Of Infantile Shock Value Which Would Only Work If You Were Eight Years Old And Also A Real Prude. (To KIBO:) Hey, before I go, can I see your photos of the lightning storm? KIBO They basically look like a very expensive digital camera being destroyed. SUPERMAN (muttering to himself as he exits) Cheap-ass no special effects budget, can't even show us a lousy cheap camera being destroyed. KIBO Hey, imagination is better than doing anything. Albert Einstein said that, or so I imagine. VICE PRESIDENT Stop arguing and help me take these panties off my head! KIBO Oh, you Vice President! BRIAN BLESSED (pointing and laughing) HA-HA!!! VICE PRESIDENT I am such a turd. (CUT TO BLACK.) (THE END.) -- K. July's story is still under construction. It still scares me to think about that one. You've been warned: Don't read last month's story when I finally post it! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: For your safety: Free bullet in head! Date: Fri, 05 Aug 2005 14:59:59 -0400 [www.washingtonpost.com] -> -> Police Chiefs Group Bolsters Policy on Suicide Bombers -> -> By Sari Horwitz -> Washington Post Staff Writer -> Thursday, August 4, 2005; A02 -> -> The International Association of Chiefs of Police, which -> represents the heads of police departments in the United States -> and across the world, has issued new guidelines saying that -> officers who confront a suicide bomber should shoot the suspect -> in the head. ...once the head is found, because the only way to recognize a suicide bomber is to notice that they have blown themselves up with a bomb, hence, "suicide" "bomber". -> The recommendations, the first from a major police organization -> to deal with the realities of a post-Sept. 11 world, take a more -> aggressive posture than typical lethal-force guidelines. The -> guidelines were published July 8 -- about two weeks before the -> London police, acting on a similar policy, fatally shot an -> innocent Brazilian seven times in the head because they mistook -> him for a suicide bomber. I think we should put Oliver Sacks in charge of the police so that the worst that could happen in cases like this would be that the police would mistake him for a hat and have him blocked. Hey, how many decades has it been since anyone's had a hat blocked? (I am now three hundred years old.) -> The National Bomb Squad Commanders Advisory Board is developing -> the first national protocol for response to suicide bombers and -> is also recommending to police bomb squads nationwide that if a -> suspect is wearing a suicide bomb, an officer who needs to use -> deadly force should not shoot near the bomb. If you think the suspect might be carrying a bomb, point your gun at a random bystander before firing it! -> [...] -> -> After the July 7 attacks on the London transit system by suicide -> bombers, the international police chiefs organization produced a -> detailed training guide for dealing with suicide bombers for its -> 20,000 law enforcement members. It recommends that if an officer -> needs to use lethal force to stop someone who fits a certain -> behavioral profile, the officer should "aim for the head" to -> kill the person instantly and prevent the setting off of a bomb -> if one is strapped to the person's chest. Unless, of course, the bad guy knows how to run a couple wires to his hand to make a kill-switch, but what are the chances of a guy who is obsessed with explosives having ever seen any of the 37,582 movies featuring a guy with dynamite strapped to his chest, not even counting whichever "Lethal Weapon" movie had the toilet that was supposed to explode when you stopped pooping in it? -> The police organization's behavioral profile says such a person -> might exhibit "multiple anomalies," A.R.K IN DANGER -> including wearing a heavy coat or jacket in warm weather OH SHIT -> or carrying a briefcase, OH SHIT -> duffle bag OH SHIT -> or backpack with protrusions or visible wires. Define "protrusion" so I can say "OH SHIT". -> The person might display nervousness, DOUBLE OH SHIT SHIT SHIT PLEASE DON'T KILL ME FOR BEING AFRAID OF YOU MR. PSYCHOTIC COP SIR!!!! -> an unwillingness to make eye contact Do sunglasses count? If so, OH SHIT. -> or excessive sweating. OH SHIT ALL SUMMER. -> There might be chemical burns on the clothing or stains on the hands. OH SHIT. And next you'll tell me that wearing gloves is even more suspicious. -> The person might mumble prayers or be "pacing back and forth in -> front of a venue." Is there a reason suicide bombers aren't supposed to be smart enough to find the backs of buildings? -> The police group's guidelines also say the threat to officers -> does not have to be "imminent," as police training traditionally -> teaches. Officers do not have to wait until a suspected bomber -> makes a move, another traditional requirement for police to use -> deadly force. An officer just needs to have a "reasonable basis" -> to believe that the suspect can detonate a bomb, the guidelines -> say. If they believe the suspect "can", not "will", detonate a bomb? Hmm. I think anyone who has an IQ over 3 can push a button if you give him or her one. This means that we'll have to kill everyone with an IQ over 3. To do that, we'll need to give everyone with an IQ under 3 a machine gun and a license to kill. We can run the recruitment commercials during the hundred-dollar round of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" -- K. We could call this plan to exterminate all intelligent people "The Final Answer".