From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey Date: Sun, 07 Aug 2005 21:47:45 -0400 Adie (adie@users.easynews.com) wrote: > > What's going on, where is his Holyness? Trying to find a way to type "Bite me!" with fewer keypresses. -- K. bm ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: For your safety: Free bullet in head! Date: Sun, 07 Aug 2005 22:14:12 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > I'm thinking of waiting until this all blows over before I dye my hair pink. Like I've said before, if you look like you want people to stare at you, then the cops won't hassle you nearly as much. A civil authority's authority is expressed by a refusal to do what other people want them to, so they lose face the moment they look at someone just because that person want them to look at them. If you've got luminescent hair and a pierced eyeball, the powers that be have to choose between harassing you (thus losing their dominance by ceding free will) or ignoring you so as not to have to think about diagramming any of these sentences. They're on the lookout for people who look like weirdos who are trying to look normal. I recommend you dye your hair pink, put on a fluorescent green T-shirt which says "I ATE THE SANDBOX" with the word "SANDBOX" crossed out and "PRESIDENT" added, one fifteen-inch heel and one negative-three-inch heel, and carry a waffle iron at all times. Then when you walk through airport security they will do their best not to stare at you, when there are plenty of other people to stare at because they look like terrorists because their shirt isn't tucked right. For further instruction, watch the scene with the airport metal detector scene in "High Anxiety". You can practice that at the mall -- buy something at Filene's or Borders, let them fail to correctly demagnetize the anti- shoplifting strip, then walk into Suncoast or Sears and set off the metal detector. Pretend to shop a while then charge out without caring that you're setting off the klaxons on the way out, preferably while breakdancing and cursing while chewing celery. -- K. For even more fun, disguise yourself as a man and then visit the Planned Parenthood clinic. They've got such heavy security you'll think you're at Tel Aviv Disneyland. If they pat you down, ask "Which way to Nudniks Of The Caribbean?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: For your safety: Free bullet in head! Date: Sun, 07 Aug 2005 22:53:36 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [concerning a news story about new police guidelines authorizing > > shooting "suspicious" people in the head just in case someone > > somewhere might be a suicide bomber] > > buddy, this is the 21st Century. no more waiting until someone actually > DOES SOMETHING WRONG before you punish them for thair crimes. from now > on, it's punishment if you even THINK of a crime. or if someone thinks > of a crime for you. A bullet to the head isn't punishment. Being stapled to a chair and forced to watch Comcast's "Seeking Solutions With Suzanne", that's punishment, especially if there are also electrified bamboo shoots in spicy lobster sauce under your fingernails. > and, clearly, we can't have random citizens thinking up crimes you > might commit just so you can be punished. no. THAT WOULD BE CHAOS. > let's just enable trained professionals -- our men in blue -- to think > of a crime you're likely to commit, then instantly execute you for it. Sshhh, you're giving away the secret of R2-.45! If you have to post spoilers for cheesy sci-fi, don't mention R2-.45, just talk about Jar-Jar-3:16. That rainbow wig on him sure looks like it might be fake! > > -> The police organization's behavioral profile says such a person > > -> might exhibit "multiple anomalies," > > > > A.R.K IN DANGER > > > > -> including wearing a heavy coat or jacket in warm weather > > > > OH SHIT > > are they going to ask first what the suspect considers "warm weather"? > I need to know prior to my trip to Boston, because last time I was in > Boston in August, I had to wear a jacket at night because it's COLD > Boston in the summer. No it isn't. I define "cold" as "requiring the good leather jacket" as opposed to now, which is "can only wear the cheap leather jacket, and then only after midnight". We had a high of 97 (Fahrenheit, I think) a couple days ago. That's over a thousand degrees on the leather scale! > > -> or carrying a briefcase, > > > > OH SHIT > > hey, I'm all in favor of gunning down random business men. FOR GREAT > JUSTICE. Didn't they used to equip government officials with those secret briefcases that were really machine guns so that they could ride the Metro to shop at the Pentagon City Mall without fear, and so they could go R2-.45 on Tom Cruise's ass no matter whose eyes he was wearing? I betcha that when Jim Carrey's "Six Million Billion Zillion Dollar Man" movie comes out they won't re-issue the Oscar Goldman action figure with his Exploding Briefcase. Exploding briefcases might no longer be fun fashion accessories for dollies for boys. They'll probably give him some sort of wussy Anti-Terrorist Spray or something. By the way, speaking of Jim Carrey and speaking of how hot it is to wear leather in Boston in August, when you come here, if you choose to stand around in a non-air-conditioned venue all day while holding a glowing neon question mark aloft, I recommend you wear one of those green spandex supertards instead of leather. The Riddler should adopt a cooler light source for his umbrella, like a Baggie of fireflies or something, if he wants to wear leather pants to be ready for the big rollerball match against the Gotham City team. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go whisper this really bad idea for "Rollerbatballman" in Hollywood's sensitive ears. Ray Goulding would play the Sir Ralph Richardson role, so that Bruce W (played by Bob Elliott) could consult him as to why the Riddler asked, "When is the thirteenth century negative?" YES THAT WAS A LONG WAY TO GO JUST TO MAKE A "DADDY'S BOY" REFERENCE. SO SUE ME. WON'T WORK BECAUSE I WILL ACHIEVE TOTAL SUE-PROOF-NESS BY FINDING A WAY TO GET FROM CHRIS ELLIOTT TO ANDY RICHTER WITHOUT GOING THROUGH "CABIN BOY". > of course, those sly briefcase-toting terrorist-bankers will start > carrying their important documents in brown paper bags instead of > briefcases. they may even invent a new fashion trend of "wino chic" to > go with their brown bag. But then this'll lead to a new policy where the cops can shoot anyone who fails the "brown bag test". Fortunately, I will be safe, as I am one of the only three Really Really White People in the United States. Me, Conan O'Brien, and Michael Jackson. And then, when the Goodies institute "apart-height" to eliminate all the shorter people, it'll be just me an Conan. I'll be King Of The USA, and Conan will be my sidekick, and I'll call him "Andy Richter" just to make him cry. -- K. Short shameful confession: I had the Bionic Man action figure but not the Oscar Goldman action figure, and two Evel Knievels, so all I could do was make up episodes where Evel Knievel had to jump his StuntCycle over the Six Million Dollar Man and Evel's evel twin. P.S. PLEASE POST MORE "SEEKING SOLUTIONS WITH SUZANNE" / "ROLLERBALL" CROSSOVER FANFIC ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Special underpants designed for burn victims Date: Sun, 07 Aug 2005 23:12:52 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] I didn't realize that people were burning their private > > > areas so often. > > > > Have you never thought about why kibo wears leather? > > Some of us are wise enough never to avoid thinking about why Kibo does > anything. Young lady, even if I really were a robot, the logic of that sentence would not make my head burst into flame. This is not "Star Trek" and you are not William Shatner, no matter what hairstyle you've bought. Also, I consider the term "burn victims" to be politically incorrect because "victims" is demeaning. I prefer to call them "burn volunteers" or "burn winners" depending on whether their burns were caused by human action or by chance. For instance, last week, when I sort of almost barely got struck by lightning, the little warm spot on my skin made me feel like a winner until it healed and then I could no longer be a burn winner, though I could still pick up my blowtorch by the wrong end to be a burn volunteer. As far as special underpants for crispy critters, the best solution would probably be something smooth and non-stick, like, remember how when you were a kid, you snickered at the other kids on the playground who, during winter, had to wear Wonder Bread bags inside their snow boots? Well, they need to start manufacturing extra-large loaves of Wonder Bread just so it can serve a useful purpose by providing baggy polka-dotted underwear to people who sat in fumaroles. By the way, I can prove that dragons never really existed: If they did, every time they breathed fire the knights would get covered with lots of little grid-shaped burns with exactly the same spacing as the rings in their chainmail, and to the best of my knowledge no medieval knights ever had that sort of plaid disfigurement. If dragons had existed, knights would have had to make their armor out of some sort of non-metallic rings that didn't heat up well, such as Spaghetti-Os. -- K. Why must you keep bringing up the subject of William Shatner? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Gay is a genre of music now? Date: Sun, 07 Aug 2005 23:46:21 -0400 [www.365gay.com] -> -> DJ Beaten For Playing Too Much 'Gay Music' I thought "gay music" was just the same as "regular music" except with the volume turned up higher to make it even more annoying. -> by 365Gay.com Newscenter Staff -> -> (London) Andrew Cleeson says he was just playing the music -> people wanted to hear at a dancehall in Dorset. But, for -> construction worker Roy Nash there was just too much "gay music" -> being spun. -> -> When Cleeson started playing the Wham! hit Wake Me Up Before You -> Go Go, Nash, 48, charged the DJ booth, crashing over the -> turntables and headbutting Cleeson. -> -> The shocked DJ received a broken nose. -> -> Wham! was composed of George Michael, who is gay, and Andrew -> Ridgeley, who is not. But that means that Wham! would be emitting equal parts gay music and not-gay music, and the two would cancel each other out, leaving something sounding exactly like John Cage's famous "4'33"", thus proving that John Cage must have been asexual! -> Cleeson says he was playing a string of hits from the 1970s and -> 1980s, when Nash first came to the booth to complain about the -> music being "too gay". But, the DJ says he didn't take the -> criticism seriously. -> -> When someone asked for the old Michael tune he complied and Nash -> "went berserk". -> -> In court, Cleeson's attorney, Ian Graham admitted his client -> "had a lot to drink and alcohol tends to bring out the worst in -> him." -> -> "He felt aggrieved because he didn't like the music and reacted -> in a violent way," Graham told the judge. -> -> "He didn't go out looking for violence but, having had too much -> to drink, turned that way." You know, clubs would be a lot more fun to go to if they didn't serve alcohol. And if they turned the fucking music off. -> Nash pleaded guilty to assault was sentenced to three months in -> jail. Straight jail or gay jail? I suppose the former, since this is in England, where if they want to say "gay jail" they just say "gaol". By the way, the same Web site has another equally important news item today: => Newly released documents from Marilyn Monroe's psychiatrist => detail a sexual encounter between the movie legend and actress => Joan Crawford. eeeeeeee eeeeeeeeee eee eee eee e e e eee eee eee eeeeeeeee eeeeeeeew. Someone should have told Marilyn that when you sleep with Joan Crawford, you're also sleeping with every Trog she's slept with. => [...] => => On one of the tapes which Milner transcribed Monroe tells Dr. => Greenson about the sexual tryst with Joan Crawford. => => "Next time I saw Crawford, she said she wanted another round," => Monroe said. "I told her straight-out I didn't much enjoy doing => it with a woman. After I turned her down, she became spiteful." In the forthcoming sequel to "Mommie Dearest", Joan Crawford causes the Cuban Missile Crisis by whipping John F. Kennedy with a wire hanger. -- K. The best part of "Trog" is when Woody Allen tries to kill her with a glowing Frisbee but it doesn't work because she has a gub. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: altering science writing to fit Internet and not journals; Cosmic Abundance of Neutrinos? 10^78 or 10^148 Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Mon, 08 Aug 2005 01:15:38 -0400 In sci.physics, sci.astro, and sci.chem, Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > One major change that must take place in the writing of science is a > complete overhaul of science writing communication. Previous to 1993 > when the Internet was borne science had its own form of vocabulary, > terms, and writing that is not amenable to posting on the Internet. Um... Arch? I'm going to put this as kindly as I can: That paragraph contains the stupidest thing you've ever said. And I mean it. I don't even think any of the stuff people posted in the 1980s was that stupid, counting all the posts where the Betamax and VHS people had their little half-inch dick-size war. (I've never read any Internet chatter from the 1970s, but it was probably all about disco, and even gab about disco couldn't be as dopey as your claim that the Internet was created in 1993.) -- K. I think what you mean to say was that in 1993, the Internet was bored, especially once that "Ludwig Plutonium" guy started posting. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Daylight Savings Time will kill billions, just like Y2K did Date: Mon, 08 Aug 2005 20:11:14 -0400 [cnn.com] -> -> Longer daylight saving may cause trouble -> -> NEW YORK (AP) -- When daylight-saving time starts earlier than -> usual in the United States come 2007, VCR or DVD recorders could -> start recording shows an hour late. "2007 Daddy, what was a VCR?" "I don't know, 2007 son, must've been something from the olden days. Now let's cook our Space Food Stick Pills in the Thereminwave." By 2007 we'll be lucky if even DVDs are still popular. They might just be a quaint reminder of a bygone era, and people who still owned one would seem as out-of-touch with reality as that company that released a "Double Dragon" cartridge for the Atari 2600 in 1988. -> Cell phone companies could give customers an extra hour of free -> weekend calls, OH NO! THIS COULD LEAD TO A GIANT WINDFALL FOR CONSUMERS IF MAJOR TELECOMMUNICATIONS COMPANIES DON'T KNOW HOW TO SET CLOCKS! Hmm, if the companies don't know how to set clocks, then this could happen any time, not just if a new Daylight Savings law passes. So just to be on the safe side, everyone should start making more cell phone calls just in case they might be free. -> and people who depend on online calendars may find themselves -> late for appointments. Good. -> An energy bill President George W. Bush was to sign Monday would -> start daylight time three weeks earlier and end it a week later -> as an energy-saving measure. Wait a minute... if we had more daylight, we'd use less energy, so if we want to save energy, we shouldn't have Daylight Saving Time, we should have Daylight Wasting Time. Just legislate that the Sun will now be up 18 hours a day and that'll solve all of our nation's oil-dependency problems whether or not we keep bombing parts of the world we buy the oil from. Better yet, have the Sun up 27 hours a day. No, 1000 hours. No, forever! IMAGINE A SUNSET, GO TO JAIL!!! -> And that has technologists worried about software and gadgets -> that now compensate for daylight time based on a schedule -> unchanged since 1987. So from now on, every senior citizen with an eighteen-year-old VCR will see it blinking "11:00... 11:00... 11:00..." -> "It is unfortunately going to add a little bit of complexity to -> consumers," said Reid Sullivan, vice president of the -> entertainment group at Panasonic Consumer Electronics Co. "In -> some cases, depending on the product, they may have to manually -> increase or decrease the time." So, basically, from now on, when I cook a TV dinner where the box says to cook it for 3 minutes 45 seconds, I may have to increase or decrease the time because my oven may vary? IT'S CHAOS!!! -> The upcoming transition evokes memories of Y2K, the Year 2000 -> rollover that forced programmers to adjust software and other -> systems that, relying on two digits for the year, never took the -> 21st century into account. And let's not forget how, in 2001, that computer threw a major hissy and tried to kill those two really boring astronauts before they could get the Laserium to come out of the big floating Monopoly box. -> "It wouldn't be a society-wide catastrophe, (it would just destroy the stupidest parts of society) -> but there would be a problem if nothing's done about it or we try -> to move too quickly," said Dave Thewlis, executive director [of] -> a group that promotes standards for calendar software. Imagine a world where software engineers move TOO quickly... Patching software promptly... removing bugs from products before they ship... spell-checking all the alert boxes... making computers boot up in less than a minute... THIS HAS BEEN A TERRIFYING GLIMPSE INTO THE ALL-TOO-IMPLAUSABLE REALM OF FANTASY! -> Newer VCRs and DVD recorders have built-in calendars to -> automatically adjust for daylight time. Users would have to -> override them, switching to "manual" to ensure shows continue to -> record correctly. People will have to operate the products they bought! IT'S A MADHOUSE!!! -> Computers with Microsoft Corp.'s Windows operating systems would -> need to obtain updates. Though most affected applications would -> likely be taken care of by the Microsoft fix, calendar systems -> will need to be checked to ensure that appointments already -> entered get properly adjusted. Except for the 17.9% of computers that have dead clock batteries and will continue to insist it's January 1, 1904/1969/1980 (depending on operating system.) -> Some electric utilities have advanced meters to adjust rates -> based on peak and non-peak hours, and studies would be required -> to determine if any modifications are needed. The -> telecommunications industry, meanwhile, must ensure that its -> clocks are properly adjusted to bill customers properly. And the news industry will have to reset its wristwatches to ensure it can continue its pointless quest to create fear on slow news days! -> Adding to the complications is the fact that many computer -> programs now treat U.S. and Canadian time zones as the same. -> If Canada doesn't adopt the new dates, too, Windows, calendars -> and other software would have to learn additional zones. ...or else the American teams will show up an hour late to every hockey game, during which time their unopposed Canadian opponents will have scored over 500 goals, or in the case of the Edmonton Oilers, nearly 3. -> Technologists sounded louder alarms as the Year 2000 approached. -> The programming shortcut caused some computers to wrongly -> interpret 2000 as 1900, potentially fouling systems that control -> power grids, air traffic, banking systems and phone networks. I remember when society was potentially destroyed by those systems being potentially fouled in the potential past that could have potentially been claimed to have happened! -> Businesses and governments around the world threw some $200 -> billion (euro160) billion at the problem, and the transition -> occurred without any worldwide disaster, "WAS THE WORLD COMPLETELY DESTROYED FIVE YEARS AGO? FIND OUT AFTER THESE COMMERCIALS!" -> even leading some critics to suggest they were victims of a -> big-money bamboozle. ...or at least a massive conspiracy to cover up the fact that computer clocks don't normally measure time with magical six-and-a-half-bit bytes that only go up to 99. (I could say something about Don Adams's high heel shoes, but it wouldn't be worth it.) -> The daylight-saving transition will be at most a mini-Y2K, with -> the impact of any failure far less reaching. Instead of all those nuclear power plants exploding into huge mushroom clouds like happened back in Potential Y2K, the new Mini Y2K will have them explode into little bitty mushroom clouds! -> "We're looking only at a one-hour difference versus setting back -> (the clock) 99 years," said Randall Palm of the Computing -> Technology Industry Association. "HOW LONG CAN REPORTERS STRETCH OUT AN ARTICLE SAYING THAT IF YOU FORGET WHEN DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME BEGINS, YOU'LL BE AN HOUR LATE TO WATCH 'AMERICAN IDOL'? FIND OUT AFTER THESE COMMERCIALS FOR 'AMERICAN IDOL'!" -> Dan Bart of the Telecommunications Industry Association said Y2K -> fears stemmed from computers completely crashing rather than -> simply displaying a wrong time. -> -> A fax machine might stamp the wrong time for four weeks, but "Do -> I care? Not really," he said. -> -> Besides, many systems have means for self-correction. -> -> Video recorders, for instance, can synch with time signals sent -> over PBS broadcasts and through electronic programming guides. -> -> Some watches from Timex Inc. can adjust times based on radio -> signals from the U.S. National Institute of Standards and -> Technology and other government sources. -> -> The digital clocks on cell phones are generally synched with the -> service provider's network clock. Operating systems from -> Microsoft, Apple Computer Inc. and Cisco Systems Inc. can be -> configured to check periodically with Internet-based "time -> servers," though such servers tend to use Greenwich Mean Time -> and leave daylight adjustments to local machines. Yes, because Indiana exists. -> Joe Tasker, senior vice president for government affairs at the -> Information Technology Association of America, points out that -> daylight time already varies around the world, and some parts of -> the United States don't observe it at all. -> -> "We already are used to having a system in place that specifies -> all the information that we need" for a particular region, -> Tasker said. "It's just a question of changing the effective -> date." He then explained it again even more slowly to help the reporter waste ninety minutes of stupid people's time worrying that they might be an hour late to work if the President made a law that said that they had to forget how to set their clocks. -> Some European countries changed dates in response to a European -> Union directive to standardize daylight time beginning in 1996. -> That led to problems with Finnish dates in at least one version -> of Windows. Actually, the most common problem with Finnish dates is when they can't bend over because their chaps are too tight. -> A few countries even change dates every year. They could save money by not doing that and just declaring that it'll be 2005 again next year. -> Israel, for instance, bases daylight time on the lunar Jewish -> calendar, and Palestinians change their clocks at different -> times as an assertion of independence. Windows doesn't even -> provide an auto-adjust option for the time zone covering -> Jerusalem. I heard if you try to set Windows to Jerusalem time it just displays three random Wingdings. -> Moti Tzur, a sales manager at Sakal Electronics Ltd. in -> Jerusalem, says the constant changes do little to confound -> manufacturers, sales representatives or consumers. -> -> "We get up and change the time on the VCR ourselves," Tzur said. -> "These things come with directions." Give that man The Nobel Prize For Coming Closer Than Anyone Else In This Article To Telling The Reporter To Go Find A Lava Lamp To Watch! -> But while other countries have coped, Americans have largely -> become complacent and expect many clocks to change automatically -> because dates have been set for two decades, said Lauren -> Weinstein, a veteran technologist. "IS EVERYONE IN AMERICA STUPID EXCEPT ME? FIND OUT AFTER YOU WATCH THESE TEN THOUSAND COMMERCIALS!" -> "Missiles won't be launching but it's still going to cause a lot -> of hassle," he said. Risks grow when "things advance to the -> point where you expect things to happen automatically and you -> expect it to be correct." -> -> Copyright 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This -> material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or -> redistributed. I tried not to do any of that, but I couldn't help it, because my wristwatch was an hour off and it's not the kind of wristwatch you can set. -- K. P.S. SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hair color update for August 11, 2005. Date: Thu, 11 Aug 2005 20:37:17 -0400 Was: Three shades of violet. Is: Ultramarine blue. Mess made: Yes. It's too bad it's so hard to get a good deep red dye, because red can be matched to other reds so easily -- two different blues seldom match, two different purples seldom match. We define "red" as a very specific hue (which, if shifted a little towards orange or towards purple, is no longer red but orange or purple.) But "blue" and "purple" are each broad chunks of the color spectrum -- "blue" can be anything from cyan to ultramarine to navy, and "purple" can be anything between magenta and grape. Makes it a pain to match your accessories to your hair. I wish a blood-red dye job were easier (a clown red isn't hard, but I don't like clown red. I want blood red.) I'll probably let the blue fade and then try a deep red before I go back to the fluorescent orange I like, since deep red will hide any residual blue pretty well. I still get the best reactions from people with fluorescent yellow-orange, but I won't be able to do that for a while because it's impossible to get rid of all the blue. So the current plan is violet -> deep blue -> deep red -> bright orange followed by either bright yellow-orange (if the blue has faded enough) or something else if it hasn't. So, who had ultramarine in the betting pool? -- K. "Welcome to our ool, notice there is no ultramarine in it." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update for August 11, 2005. Date: Fri, 12 Aug 2005 03:25:07 -0400 Nimrod Poindexter (strutterman@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Was: Three shades of violet. Is: Ultramarine blue. Mess made: Yes. > > Kibo, why do you like to play with your hair color? Because it's a free country. At least for those of us who do the stuff we're allowed to do. Remember, Hitler never dyed his hair! Jack Webb never dyed his hair! Darth Vader never dyed his hair! If you're not covered in toxic solution, you're part of the problem! -- K. I bet you wear clothes that aren't made from things that had parents. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update for August 11, 2005. Date: Fri, 12 Aug 2005 03:11:20 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It's too bad it's so hard to get a good deep red dye > > I contemplated red today. Now that my relatives have left town, I > plan to dye my hair something non-brown. But I don't think I'm ready > for blue because it lingers for so long, and red won't work because my > skin is so ruddy that it'll make me look like Tip O'Neil. Plus, I need > something to match my mauve rhinestone glasses, and red doesn't go with > mauve. I'd wager red would go with any shade of purple (including mauve) much better than blue would go with any shade of purple. A good combination would be a red that's slightly pinkish or purplish with a purple that's slightly reddish. Basically two points near the ends of the red-to-purple range. But they'd both have to be strongly saturated, and I don't know whether your mauve is. Pure red goes well with desaturated colors -- I particularly like red (light or dark) with gray, and dark red with black is wonderful. > There were some amazingly tacky oranges at Walgreen's that I almost > bought, but I was petrified that I'd end up looking like Lucille Ball. > Brr. It's much better to have your hair look like you know it's weirdly-colored (i.e. Manic Panic Electric Lava) than to look like you tried to dye it a sexy "natural redhead" color and just came out looking like a loser who shops at Walgreen's (i.e. Lucille Ball). Drugstores just have those off-kilter "natural-looking" colors that just make people look like they're wearing polyester toupees. If you're trying to make an impression, you have to own the visual identity you create, which means not looking like a failed attempt at fooling people. If you want to be anything other than your real color or a bleached blonde, go with a deliberately exaggerated color (Manic Panic, Special Effects, etc.) from your local punk rock supply shop, costume store, or professional beauty supply store. (Be sure to get the stuff from a store that has a good turnover, as in some stores it's been sitting there for years and will have turned all wimpy.) > > I still get the best reactions from people with fluorescent yellow-orange, > > Fluorescent yellow-orange what? Death lasers. Like this one: ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETZEETZEETZEETZEETZEETZEEEEEEEEEEET -- K. I like fluorescent lasers better than regular ones. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update for August 11, 2005. Date: Sat, 13 Aug 2005 18:29:37 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Black Cherry. It makes my hair nice and dark, with brilliant > red lights - and going from shade to sunlight is fun, as the > POW of the red lighting up freaks some folks out. What brand is that? I'm always looking for very deep pure reds (i.e. stuff tending towards maroon) and I'd love something actually cherry-colored. Special Effects has a "Cherry Bomb" color, which gave me more of a bright clown red, and Manic Panic's "Vampire Red" tends towards the purple a little. (That's a problem with dark reds -- often when you add a tiny amount of black to your red, it starts looking purple.) I want a nice cinnabar, but without the incredible toxicity. > I'm, unfortunately, too fair to pull off dark colors very > well. I also work for a place that would frown on extreme > colors, like bright orange or true red. I barely pulled off > the black cherry - that it didn't look so extreme indoors is > what saved me. "I'LL PULL OFF *YOUR* BLACK CHERRY!" Sorry, I don't even know what that might mean, but it seemed like a catchphrase that obviously needed to exist. Unfortunately, now that I've brought it up, Will Smith will probably make a sequel to "I, Robot" just so he can yell that. Sigh. I just can't help giving Hollywood ideas for ways to make bad movies worse. -- K. "I know you've suffered a loss recently but this relationship isn't going to work out. You're a cat, and I'm black. And I just can't handle being hurt again." -- actual Will Smith dialogue from "I, Robot", possibly written by the robot from Asimov's "Cal" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update for August 11, 2005. Date: Sat, 13 Aug 2005 18:10:44 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'd wager red would go with any shade of purple (including mauve) > > much better than blue would go with any shade of purple. A good > > combination would be a red that's slightly pinkish or purplish > > with a purple that's slightly reddish. > > Some shade of pink is probably the color I want to go, but it's so two > years ago I'm afraid I'll look like Mega Dork! From! Outer! Space! Pink and magenta are easy colors to get your hair to be. The only drawbacks are that those dyes tend to stain the skin more easily than some other colors (so you have to be careful when putting them in) and the sun fades them more quickly than other colors. If you don't need Ultimate Staying Power, I'd use a relatively weak dye like Manic Panic for your first experiments with pink or magenta, because Manic Panic's easier to scrub off your skin during that first shower, and because the resulting color will look like the goo in the jar does (other brands may look darker in the bottle than on your hair.) Expect some staining of your pillowcase the first night after you dye. The next day, when you take your second shower, any remaining dye that's going to come out should come out, so staining your pillow or hat is only really a problem during that first day. Of course, if you have help, you can avoid getting any of it on your scalp in the first place (in theory) but it's easy enough to just put on rubber gloves and massage it into your hair by yourself if you don't mind taking a couple of long, thorough showers to scrub away the dye that sticks to your scalp. > > Pure red goes well with desaturated colors -- I particularly like > > red (light or dark) with gray, and dark red with black is wonderful. > > The only good thing about high school was that the school color was > red, and so we got to pair red with grey all the time. The prom colors > were a deep blood red and black, which looked fabulous. OK, as fabulous > as streamers hung in the senior citizen's center can look. This was also the main appeal of Soviet Communism -- the October revolution encouraged people to pair dark red with black. The graphical style associated with the Tsarists' propaganda was Art Noveau with lots of swirly flowers in light pastel colors, so the Communists went the other way with Soviet Constructivism, lots of hard-edged solid-colored blocky shapes in dark colors, most often red and black. We need to find a way to associate that wonderfully evil-looking color combination with a political movement that's not evil so as to bring about a Utopian society which looks great but is also nice to people. > > It's much better to have your hair look like you know it's weirdly-colored > > (i.e. Manic Panic Electric Lava) than to look like you tried to dye it > > a sexy "natural redhead" color and just came out looking like a loser > > who shops at Walgreen's (i.e. Lucille Ball). > > Hey, now that they closed my Food 4 Less -- the one where I got all my > good supermarket stories from -- I have nowhere else to go. > Walgreen's used to have a significant section of punk colors, with > good turnover so you didn't get stale dye. They've phased it out, > though, because I guess they were selling too much. Hell if I know why. One of the local Walgreen's used to have three coloring kits (out of 1,000) for red/blue/purple hair, but none of them do now, and in any case you don't want that stuff that comes in kit form with the disposable plastic toilet glove and the factory-reject toothbrush and the tiny tubes you have to mix to pretend you're doing something special. I get some of my colors at Sally's, some at Newbury Comics, and occasionally I have to stoop to buying a jar or two from The Garment District (where the stuff has sometimes aged far too long.) Each of those places has different subsets of Manic Panic, and none of them carries Electric Sunshine, feh. If you mail-order direct from ManicPanic.com, the stuff is more expensive, but that way you also have the option of the "amplified" versions of the dye that last longer (for $15/jar.) Hot Topic carries the Special Effects line, which is a little harder to use (it stains more, and as I've said, the color in the bottle may not look exactly like what you ultimately get) but Special Effects has good staying power and they do also have a shocking pink of some sort. Manic Panic also sells gels which directly compete with Special Effects, I haven't tried them (the creams work well enough for me.) > They didn't even have the intense L'Oreal reds anymore. The local > Sally's has a poor turnover but I'll check it out anyway. Sally's carries a fraction of the colors of Manic Panic (they used to have about a dozen, my local one now has only about six) but they're the cheapest source and their stuff isn't too old, at least at my local outlets. They also have a few competing brands. Sally's Web site still lists 15 colors of Manic Panic (about half the full range.) Cotton Candy Pink is a light bubblegum pink, but you'd probably have more fun with Hot Hot Pink (a deeper magenta.) If you want a really deep purplish magenta, see if you can get Divine Wine somewhere (Sally doesn't carry it.) There's also a rarely-seen color called Pretty Flamingo which is apparently a fluorescent pink, but I've never seen it in the flesh. While you're at Sally's, remember to pick up some conditioner and some real bleach powder and cream developer, since again, you don't want to use the bleach kits from the drugstore (those are overpriced and tend to sneak in some yellow dye.) I use the packets of L'Oreal "Quick Blue" powder because it's safe for on-scalp use and has that pretty light blue tint to help you pretend you're putting Sani-Flush in your hair. Which, basically, you are. Haven't we been through all this before? HURRY UP AND DYE YOUR HAIR ALREADY!!! > I'm also a little concerned that I'm too damned old to be doing this > to my hair. You're never too old to dye your hair. By the time you're 60, it becomes mandatory for all women to dye their hair, and men are supposed to pretend women don't -- it's socially acceptable to mock any guy's obviously fake black or brown dye job, but we're not supposed to notice that older women dye their hair too. So I say dye your hair magenta and watch guys being baffled by your completely natural fluorescent magenta hair. Weird hair colors are rapidly becoming more socially acceptable, so hurry up and make your hair weird before weird becomes the new normal. -- K. I am the new weird. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Principal Jerry Springer Date: Fri, 12 Aug 2005 03:20:14 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > I had a dream I was in high school YET AGAIN. And I had to keep > skipping classes to save the school from planted bombs. Which I tracked > with the help of a weiner dog and a watermelon rind. And then the dog said "I'm a weiner dog! I'm a weiner dog!" then sniffed your crotch then said "Nope, no weiner!" Sheesh, try to dream up a _new_ lame dirty joke next time. We have to deliver a shipment of new lame dirty jokes to fourth grade by Monday! > And the principal was Jerry Springer. So did he enjoy springing Jerries? > Also, the staircase to go upstairs was only three feet wide at one point. A point three feet wide? This could ruin geometry as we know it. "A point is smaller than a line, but a basketball is smaller than a point, so each of the lines drawn on this basketball are smaller than themselves, therefore we can't play basketball because it would create a paradox that could destroy the space-time continuum, unless Martin Landau can stop the Harlem Globetrotters!" -- K. P.S. Martin Landau should open a theme restaurant where ever night he re-enacts "The Harlem Globetrotters On Gilligan's Island" as a one-man show. "Now I'm Curly Neal!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Back from the Adirondacks Date: Sat, 13 Aug 2005 22:08:27 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Now to figure out which of these 777 new posts to read! Just so's you know, I just took some more lightning photos, but this time neither I nor my replacement camera got fried. Dammit. Wasn't a very good storm. Only got one good photo of a bolt hitting something (striking somewhere on Mission Hill, it knocked out the streetlights for a minute and turned off my cable TV box again.) Here's a photo of a small could exploding too high up to hurt anyone: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_08_lightning_0044.jpg I ran the previous camera up to something like 30,000 photos before it died, we'll see if I can make its replacement last that long. -- K. Who should I throw the old one at? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Does your local library pimp out lesbians? In Sweden they do. Date: Tue, 16 Aug 2005 22:49:26 -0400 An article found via Fark.com: [www.abc.net.au] -> -> Library offers imam, gypsy, gay person for 'loan' -> -> If you think all lesbians are sexually frustrated or all animal -> rights activists aggressive, then a Swedish library project that -> allows you to 'borrow' a real live human being may provide some -> useful insight. Oh, great. Now the library is going to fill up with guys wearing satin shirts and lots of gold chains saying, "Hey beautiful, I'm glad I have a library card because I am CHECKING YOU OUT!" -> Ulla Brohed, of the Malmoe Library in southern Sweden, says the -> Living Library project will enable people to come face-to-face -> with their prejudices in the hopes of altering their -> preconceived notions. There can't be that many people who have gone their entire life without ever talking to a lesbian, so at first I thought this was a silly idea, but then I realized that those same people already go to the library nine times a week, so I heartily endorse this speed dating service matching lesbians to nerds. -> "You sometimes hear people's prejudices and you realise that -> they are just uninformed," she said. -> -> Nine people, including a homosexual, an imam, a journalist, a -> Muslim woman and a gypsy, Are the other eight people as interesting as she is? I wasn't aware that lesbian gypsies were allowed to be imams, but that might be just my own preconceived notion, so maybe I should go talk to someone at the library. I wonder what sort of weirdoes my local library has? Oh, wait. Never mind, I don't want to get stuck with a late fee if I run away from Don Saklad without returning him. -> will be available at the Malmoe Library for members of the -> public to "borrow" for a 45-minute conversation in the -> library's outdoor cafe. Wouldn't it be easier if they just kept the people in a big vending machine? I could be like one of those fortune-teller thingies with the gypsy in a big glass box, except it would have a knob you could turn to select whether you wanted your fortune told by a regular gypsy or a lesbian gypsy. -> "Maybe not all journalists are know-it-all and sensationalist, -> just unafraid and curious," Ms Brohed said. She then shattered both hips trying to lift an electric guitar to prove that not all librarians are elderly women. -> "Maybe not all animal rights activists are angry and intolerant -> but intelligent and committed." Yeah, but maybe not all animals are cute and cuddly either. -> Mr Brohed says the nine "items" on loan were not hard to find -> but admits that they will be paid "a small sum" for their -> efforts. So, basically, the library is running a penny-ante escort service. Sort of like the "Deuce Bigalo" movies, except without the part where Roger Ebert uses the word "sucks". -> If the experiment is a success, the Malmoe Library may repeat it -> later this year. You know what the library really needs? Mimes you can rent. Including some of those guys wearing silver-painted track suits who pretend to be robots and have to hold still until you put a quarter in their cup. Except these mimes would all be holding guns to their head and would pull the trigger for a dollar. This would enable the library to help change people's preconceived notion that mimes don't do daring, edgy material. Also every time someone pushed the "copy" button on the library's Xerox machine it would give the mimes electric shocks. And the library would give out free bacon. And only I would be allowed to go there, so there wouldn't be any weirdos blocking the Dewey Decimal Bacon Dispenser. And the library would be a spaceship I could fly around and it would shoot zigzaggy laser beams that would kill dinosaurs. I humbly submit this plan to the world under the title "HOW TO MAKE YOUR LOCAL PUBLIC LIBRARY 50% LESS DORKY." I'll solve the other half of the problem once I get my bacon. By the way, any of you who are in town this week can take me to any outdoor cafe of your choice if you want to learn what it's like to be talked to for 45 minutes. You're paying for the food, so you don't need to worry about doing any of the talking. -- K. So why _are_ all Swedish lesbians supposed to be sexually frustrated? (It's not the impression I've gotten from Swedish movies.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Power Rangers in the news, sort of Date: Wed, 17 Aug 2005 20:21:01 -0400 What's wrong with you people? This is the second time in two days that Fark.com has told me about a very important news story before you did. Shame on you. BE MORE INTERESTING THAN FARK!!! [news.yahoo.com] -> -> Ex-child star, wife to stand trial in Calif murder -> -> By Tori Richards Tue Aug 16,10:24 PM ET -> -> A former child actor and his wife were ordered to stand trial on -> Tuesday for the murder of a wealthy California couple who, -> prosecutors say, were tied to the anchor of their yacht and -> thrown overboard alive, never to be seen again. -> -> Orange County Superior Court Judge John Conley ordered -> 26-year-old Skylar Deleon, who once starred in the "Power -> Rangers" TV series, and his wife, 24-year-old Jennifer Henderson -> Deleon, to stand trial for the murders after a two-day -> preliminary hearing in Santa Ana, south of Los Angeles. Now here's what's odd. Of course I went right over to IMDB.com and read the complete list of credits for "Power Rangers", and there were no "Skylar"s or "Skyler"s or "Deleon"s or "De Leon"s among the stars, or among the guest stars IMDB knows about. I asked IMDB for all actors or characters named "Skylar"/"Skyler" and none of them appeared to be this guy, either. So, unless there's a giant hole in IMDB, I conclude this guy never "starred" in "Power Rangers" or anything else. He wasn't even that Yellow Ranger who kept changing gender in the stock footage. If anyone knows who this guy "starred" as, let me know, but until then I reserve the right to believe he's only a "Power Rangers" wanna-be, and that's just sad. Could it be we have a guy trying to get out of a murder rap by impressing the authorities with a bogus story about having once been THE MOST AWESOME POWER RANGER EVER? -> Also bound over for trial in the case, which baffled police for -> months as they searched for the missing couple, were a member of -> the Crips street gang and a prison guard who are accused of -> helping carry out a conspiracy to steal the 55-foot (17-meter) -> luxury yacht "Well Deserved." I like that term, "bound over for trial". It's new to me, but it seems useful. Unless they actually meant to write "bend over for trial". But that's still useful in conversation. Plus it'd make trials go a lot faster, especially if the lawyers were the ones who had to bend over. -> [...] -> -> He is accused of enlisting the help of 40-year-old gang member -> John Fitzgerald Kennedy and ex-jailer Alonso Machain, 21, to -> carry out the murder on November 15, 2004. Machain has since -> confessed to police and will be tried separately. If they execute John Fitzgerald Kennedy, will they charge his family for the magic bullet they execute him with? -> [...] -> -> Miles off the coast of Newport Beach, prosecutors say, Thomas -> and Jackie Hawks were attacked with a stun gun, handcuffed and -> gagged with duct tape. STOP! NO MORE "POWER RANGERS" DUCT TAPE BONDAGE! THE INTERNET IS ALREADY FULL! (We have so much "Power Rangers" duct tape bondage, we can't even give it away!) -> After signing over power of attorney to one assailant, they -> were tied to the boat's 66-pound (30-kg) anchor and thrown -> overboard. Apparently former Fake Power Rangers live in a world where Power Of Attorney signed over to a stranger under duress is not only legally binding, but is also not suspicious if you go around saying, "Hey, you remember those people who disappeared? I got their power of attorney the day they disappeared, so let me into their bank account." -> [...] -> -> Police also found that Deleon had unsuccessfully tried to access -> the Hawks' bank account in Arizona using the power of attorney. Should've just used his giant robot that turns into a mechanical lion, or whichever other grainy Japanese stock footage the Power Rangers are going to jump-cut to this week. "Quick, activate the Black-And-White Ray to summon Gigantor!" -> Copyright (c) 2005 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved. -> Republication or redistribution of Reuters content is expressly -> prohibited without the prior written consent of Reuters. Reuters -> shall not be liable for any errors or delays in the content, or -> for any actions taken in reliance thereon. -> -> Copyright (c) 2005 Yahoo! Inc. All rights reserved. So? I have Power Of Attorney from Reuters, Yahoo!, all the Power Rangers, the nation of Japan, Bill Gates, Regis Philbin, Oprah, Snoopy, the mineral kingdom, the concept of synergy, the letter "e", and Buzz Belmondo. -- K. How come criminals always use duct tape? Sports tape sticks to skin so much better. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Power Rangers in the news, sort of Date: Wed, 17 Aug 2005 20:42:16 -0400 The story as it's been reported in many places: [news.yahoo.com] -> -> Orange County Superior Court Judge John Conley ordered -> 26-year-old Skylar Deleon, who once starred in the "Power -> Rangers" TV series, and his wife, 24-year-old Jennifer Henderson -> Deleon, to stand trial for the murders after a two-day -> preliminary hearing in Santa Ana, south of Los Angeles. Further research into this weighty matter turned up one variant account: [www.nbc4.com] => => [...] => => Skylar Deleon appeared as an extra in the "Power Rangers" TV series, => relatives said. Now that's a little different than "starring in" the stupid show. You know, if one of my relatives were on trial for murder, I don't think the first thing I'd do would be to tell reporters that he had once walked through the background of a crowd scene on a low-budget children's TV show made from stock footage. There are slightly less pathetic ways to sum up one's life achievements. Like, "I once posted a message on the Internet about 'Power Rangers'" or "I once changed the channel when 'Power Rangers' came on." It's not even as cool as if he were in that "Pokemon" episode that caused a lot of people to think the show caused mass epilepsy when it caused a few kids to faint from the overwhelming crappiness of the show. -- K. "Power Rangers" has never had a scandal like the "Pokemon" epilepsy episode, because "Power Rangers" just makes kids kick each other in the face.