From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: News story from India Date: Fri, 09 Sep 2005 23:01:05 -0400 From "Indian's Only IT Business Weekly": [www.expresscomputeronline.com] -> -> Humour -> -> The Chai Server rolls on (part 2) -> -> T A Balasubramanian writes about Arnibo, a robotic dog inspired by -> Arnold Schwarzenegger. -> -> -> Doodh Byramji continues his record of what happens when he sets out -> to meet the beautiful Professor Ironica Asimova, an acknowledged -> expert on robotics and Head of Ironica Robotica. Known as Doodh, or -> Doodhi, the tireless Byramji is the perennially baffled Design -> Engineer of Baffle Technologies, otherwise called Baff-Tech. His -> mission is to upgrade the prototype of the Chai Server into a -> technologically advanced robot. -> -> 11.00 am: Prof Asimova shows me around the periphery of the office. -> "This is very impressive, Prof Asimova. What more will computers do -> in the future? Will they all be like these Kibo puppies, running -> around our feet, amusing us?" -> -> In response, my elegant hostess points outside on the lawn, where I -> see what looks like a different kind of robotic dog, a big, -> hulking, sleeker metallic version of the tiny, cuddly Kibos inside. -> -> "What is that, Prof Asimova?," I ask. -> -> "Ah, that is Arnibo, the high-end power user version of Kibo," says -> the lady, making a fist with her hand. "He is muscular and strong, -> like Arnie. You know, the body-builder, Schwarzenegger, the -> relentless Terminator robot? Arnie is the first of a new breed of -> walking robots that is more than a toy. We hope he will -> revolutionise transport by carrying huge payloads." There's more, but that was the only part to compare me to Schwarznegger if we were both robots instead of just one of us. To sum up -- according to this serious essay, I am "amusing" and "cuddly" while Schwarzenegger is "more than a ... huge ...load..." Also, he's the "power user version" of me. Hmm. So much for my theory about a young Sean Connery. -- K. Kibo makes less of a mess, some of the time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: razors with vestigial organs Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2005 18:23:08 -0400 Gillette pushed its "Mach 3" three-bladed razor at men who needed to scrape their face with a miniature Venetian blind. Then Shick started sell a four-bladed "Quattro". Not to be out-done in this abstract corporate dick-size war, today Gillette unveiled "Fusion", a razor with five blades. You know, the first blade shaves close, the second blade shaves closer, the third blade slices your face off, the fourth blade penetrates the Earth's crust, and the fifth blade crushes the entire Universe into a black hole. Or, maybe, the first blade shaves normally, and then the others don't do anything except scrape against your just-shaved skin for extra irritation. Science cannot answer this question of whether paying for extra, useless blades may have a purpose! [www.boston.com -- the Boston Globe] -> -> [...] -> -> ''Is it really going to be a better shave? I don't know. -> It seems incrementally better," said William B. Chappell, -> an analyst with SunTrust Robinson Humphrey. ''But Gillette -> will market it like it's the greatest thing since sliced bread." But sliced bread sucks! Only bread that's been sliced five times is worth buying! -> [...] -> -> An enhanced lubricating strip, infused with Vitamin E and aloe, -> fades from green to white when it's time to replace the blades. This is expected to appeal to any consumers who already bought the "TELL ME WHAT TO BUY AND THEN TELL ME HOW OFTEN TO THROW IT AWAY AND BUY IT AGAIN" t-shirt. -> ''Facial hair is not a concept Gillette usually mentions at -> an event like this," Kilts said yesterday. ''But today, about -> 50 percent of men sport some form of facial hair -- whether -> it's moustaches, goatees, chin straps, or soul patches. And -> there's no easy way to shape or trim it. That is, until now." "You are becoming stupid, very stupid. You will forget that all other razors, scissors, and men's grooming aids exist. You will believe that until now, the only way to cut facial hair was to slam your face in the car door and have your wife rip the hair out by flooring the gas pedal in a sexy, sexy shoe." -> [...] Gillette's new five-blade system arrives about a -> year and a half after satire newspaper, The Onion, predicted -> that Kilts would demand a five-blade razor after Schick -> one-upped the Boston-based company with a four-blade invention. ...thus proving that satire is always ahead of reality, and good satire such as "Saturday Night Live" and the original National Lampoon is way ahead of The Onion. So "Saturday Night Live" predicted "The Gillette Triple-Trac" in the late 1970s, and in the early 1980s National Lampoon predicted a razor with a large but unspecified number of blades ("the 12th blade quotes Keats...") and the Onion predicted a five-blader. Well, I hereby call dibs on making fun of the forthcoming six-bladed, seven-bladed, eight-bladed, nine-bladed, and ten-bladed razors from Schick and Gillette so that I can also be mentioned in newspapers as having proven my awesome skills of EXTRAPOLATED OBVIOUSNESS WITH REGARDS TO STUPIDITY. To formalize it: Someday someone might sell a six-bladed razor. Wow, that would be stupid. Someday someone might sell a seven-bladed razor. Wow, that would be stupid. Someday someone might sell an eight-bladed razor. Wow, that would be stupid. Someday someone might sell a nine-bladed razor. Wow, that would be stupid. Someday someone might sell a ten-bladed razor. Wow, that would be stupid. Oh, and: Someday someone might sell re-sliced bread. Wow, that would be stupid. There. I WIN!!! -- K. At least they now sell the Headblade at Walgreen's. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: razors with vestigial organs Date: Fri, 16 Sep 2005 14:16:52 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I don't know where to find cut-throat razors as they don't exist any more > except when they are found in suitcases by lazy writers on 'Lost'. That's been bothering me for a while but I didn't want to ask the newsgroup where to get one because then people would think I'm a weirdo. I tried drugstores and professional beauty-supply stores, but no luck. Not one straight razor to be had anywhere in the city. But, annoyingly, every place in Boston sells live razor clams. Froogle tells me knife stores are the place to look. Next time I'm in one of those malls that has a seedy store selling nothing but collectibly-overpriced knives, I'll ask for a murder razor. I mean a straight razor. Whew, I almost said that out loud. Good thing nobody can hear me typing! Never mind, I'll just buy one on eBay. All the cutlery stores want $50-$100 for one. eBay's full of cheap antique ones, and there's nothing wrong with them except for some rust. I'm sure they're still okay as long as they haven't been used too many times since they were sharpened in the 1800s. -- K. And why did Thurston Howell III choose to take a trip on a crappy little boat crowded with idiots? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I discover fire ants Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2005 18:56:59 -0400 [on pepper-spray countermeasures] Manuel Lanctot (sensoz@com.gmail.com) wrote: > > A few years ago, I ended up in a monstrous protest with plenty of heavy > pepper-spray (dubbed "Solution 2000" by the cops) and the liberal commie > hippie organizers suggested that we put lemon juice on our masks or > scarfs - to neutralize the basic ammoniac-like product used in the > pepper-spray. > It was worse. Imagine putting a lemon on your nose and running around > for hours. I preferred the pepper-spray. Hmm, this suggests we come up with a special recipe just so we can prank those gullible liberal commie hippie organizers. How about a mixture of lemon juice, horseradish, ginger, perilla, nettles, poison ivy, fermented durian, asafetida, and Krazy Glue? > After this event, I found that I was craving for tear gas and the like > and spent the next year going to every protest that I heard of. I > thought I was addicted to it. It was probably adrenaline, yeah. But I > learned to love the smell of tear gas. Where would you put it on the scale of delightful odors? Between ozone and napalm? I'd say it's up there somewhere, well above Band-Aids and iodine. But to be sure we should do the experiments. Got any plans this weekend? > Pepper-spray directly in your eyes kind of hurts a lot but they were > shooting it in the air, filling the city with it. It smelled good if > you had a ski mask. Ski masks make everything smell good. The modern synthetic ones have that nice warm cozy plastic smell you just don't get from the older wool ones. Have you ever tried dipping a ski mask in hot pepper before putting it on? Mmm. That's so good to do before a walk through the park. -- K. I wish lye smelled better. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Yakuza weather control?!? Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2005 19:13:53 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > [www.flashnews.com] > -> > -> Weatherman Claims Japanese Mafia Behind Hurricane Katrina > -> > -> POCATELLO, Idaho (Wireless Flash) - Here's a theory that's sure to cause > -> a storm of controversy: A meteorologist in Pocatello, Idaho, claims > -> Japanese gangsters known as the Yakuza caused Hurricane Katrina. No they didn't! The Yakuza were trying to stop the giant monster who causes hurricanes! See, the "butterfly effect" theory says that when a little bitty butterfly in the Brazilian rainforest flaps its teensy wings, decades later there's a storm somewhere. So whenever Mothra flaps those giant wings, there's a hurricane the next day. > -> Scott Stevens says after looking at NASA satellite photos of the > -> hurricane, he's is convinced it was caused by electromagnetic > -> generators from ground-based microwave transmitters. You gotta love any "scientific" "theory" where the "logic" behind the "reasoning" is that someone looked at some pictures. Probably over the Internet. Worse, he probably found them in a Yahoo Groups folder. (This raises the possibility that maybe he doesn't know the difference between "Yakuza" and "hentai".) > -> The generators emit a soundwave between three and 30 megahertz Well, THAT proves it! I can nail this theory down even further: EVERYTHING is caused by SOMETHING that makes a soundwave between three and thirty megahertz. I now deserve the Nobel Prize for my All-Inclusive Theory Of Everything Doing Unspecified Stuff. > -> and Stevens claims the Russians invented the storm-creating > -> technology back in 1976 and sold it to others in the late 1980s. > -> > -> Stevens says the clouds formed by the generators are different than > -> normal clouds and are able to appear out of nowhere ...as opposed to regular clouds, which only appear out of Styrofoam packages. "DON'T OPEN THAT CLOUD-SHAPED PROTECTIVE CASE! THERE MIGHT BE A CLOUD INSIDE! A SCARY CLOUD FROM THE INSANE CLOUD POSSE!" > -> and says Katrina had many rotation points that are unusual for > -> hurricanes. > -> > -> At least ten nations and organizations possess the technology > -> but Stevens suspects the Japanese Yakuza created Katrina in order > -> to make a fortune in the futures market and to get even with the > -> U.S. for the 1945 bombing of Hiroshima. What about Nagasaki? What's their revenge for that? Was it that special episode of "The Weakest Link" where the contestants were eight Anne Robinson impersonators? If so, we didn't deserve that. > -> Stevens will discuss the storm creation theory tomorrow night > -> (Sep. 9) on an internet radio show at www.thesciencedetective.com Sorry, Mr. Stevens, I was busy. I had places to go, leather suits to clean, little fingers to watch being amp-- but perhaps I have said too much. Besides, there is no such organization as the Yakuza. Also, they can't be responsible for the hurricane because they're too busy drinking sake and playing golf. -- K. Why is it that only Japan understands that golf is the official sport of evil people? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boobies! Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2005 19:20:00 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote (quoted in full): > > I sure do love 'em! That's nice, but it might help your job search if you didn't wear them to the interviews, unless you're still aiming for that job at Hooters. And remember, you want to draw attention towards your chest, away from those enormous hairy feet jammed into the stiletto heels. -- K. Oh, also, you don't need to use so much gaffer's tape. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where is the person for whom this group is named for? Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2005 19:26:59 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > Where is this newsgroup's namesake? Busy. Aren't you ready to go be gay all by yourself for a while? It's time to take the training wheels off. Eww -- I said "training wheels", not "training bra". Please stop parading around like that. We don't need to see your fake boobies -- we already know what basketballs look like! > I miss how he can talk about for pages the taste sensations of bizarre, > stale, European candy that's been in the back of a 7-11 soda cooler for > eight years. It's spelled "7-Eleven". ZING!!!!!!!!!!! <--- putting this after that sentence is what made it a zinger! > Also, his 'OMG UR GAY' jokes are slightly funnier then everyone else's. Yeah, "jokes", sure. Fag. -- K. ZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^ | using an arrow to point to a "ZING!!!!" like this is the same as putting the zinger on a Triple Word Score! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where is the person for whom this group is named for? Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2005 19:40:31 -0400 WAIT! I THOUGHT OF AN EVEN BETTER THING TO YELL "ZING!!!" AFTER! Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Also, his 'OMG UR GAY' jokes are slightly funnier then everyone else's. So you've been taking it from all -- eh. I changed my mind, I'm not even going to post enough of the zinger to merit posting "ZING!!!" after it. ZI!!! -- K. Can we please adjust the difficulty level of this newsgroup? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I love this town part something Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2005 19:53:12 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > The only crime we have in our neighborhood is the retired guy next > door who steals internet access from wireless routers in the > neighborhood. But what about you tattling on him to the entire Internet? The only reason that's not a crime is because they haven't yet done a "Brady Bunch" episode about it! "Gosh, Dad, I promise I'll never again use someone else's bandwidth without asking, whether or not Cindy tattles on me." This country's laws have become so stagnant ever since "The Brady Bunch" got cancelled. It inspired so much social progress. If it weren't for "The Brady Bunch", they'd never have outlawed dyeing rabbits orange. > And that's only because every time he calls Verizon to get access > set up at his house, they tell him it isn't available at his address. Reminds me of the time the cable company didn't want to hook me up without first sending out a guy to verify that I didn't live on an imaginary street that had been left off their maps on purpose. > And he still feels guilty. His wife's cat often comes > over to sleep in our bushes, too, the trespasser! Gotta watch out for > those retired people. There goes the neighborhood! We should send > 'em back to Pasadena, which is actually where they came from. And don't forget that the first "Baby Geniuses" was set in Pasadena. I think Wil Wheaton lives there, too. But he has to stay in the part of town reserved for Adult Geniuses. -- K. Anyway, I think anyone whose wireless router is still named "DEFAULT" deserves to have their bandwidth stolen -- it's the only way they'll learn. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cutting edge! Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2005 22:41:48 -0400 [on some sort of Cub Scout merit badge game] David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > Is there any way to change to the bear when you are already using > > the wolf? > > Not directly; hitting the Wolf icon again gets you back to human, > then hitting the Bear icon gets you to be the bear. Nuh-uh. I saw an episode of that TV show so I know that "the Bear" was just a common household chimp. They didn't even put the chimp in a bear costume like they would have on "Battlestar Galactica". And how the hell did they get Mike Farrell to be in that show? > As far as I can tell you can't go straight between them without > being hu-mon for a moment in between. Then try pulling the Chimp lever. If all else fails, yank the Ameba ripcord. -- K. I miss when games had joysticks instead of "click on this". Most games now have the same interface as Microsoft Word, except they take longer to load. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Every comutation of math has been wrong since the beginning of time every thing Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2005 22:53:56 -0400 In sci.physics, "switzerland qunatium computer" (zetalimit@charter.net) wrote: > > Every comutation of math has been wrong since the beginning of time > every thing > is suppost to work out that way in any infinte cobinations of > computations and simulations > the theory of everthing and and solving the math around all math and > physics leads you to the same answer > even if check and works in simulation or in a lab. Dude, you should switch to decaffeinated reefers. > You have either two things a ghoast in you machine > or something beyond time that you cannot detect that efects your out > come how you see the > world and everything work works the way you will alwasy find it but if > you never stop looking you will find a whole > other world that you have just started to understand even A.I or a > quantium computer would take billions of years to > find it but this is a start..........start from scatch with this site > and what you will find will > bludder not just the mind and eye but dumb found any alien being in > this universe just the spawning > of life and it's effect on the universe has created so many none > connected information that > it would take the total life time of all beings from any universe to > understand!!! Could someone please draw me a Feynman diagram of that sentence? Preferably in the style of that Escher print that's six inches tall and twelve feet wide there all the little Doritos evolve into flying Satans and then into regular Satans and then back into Doritos and if you cross your eyes and look through it you also see Garfield. Or better yet, just draw me a picture of a giant bludder, preferably if it's peeing on Garfield. -- K. All good scientific theories involve the phrase "peeing on Garfield". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Zap, if you can believe that. Date: Fri, 16 Sep 2005 14:02:18 -0400 [www.abc.net.au] -> -> Man builds up 30,000 volts of static electricity Yes, yes, we're all very impressed, something with a large number of volts in it of unspecified amperage, ooh, look, it's got more than one digit and all that. Yawn. Look, ma, I built up 30,000 volts at .000000000000000000000000001 amp by scratching my crotch! -> Victorian authorities believe a man built up at least 30,000 volts -> of static electricity in his jacket simply by walking around the -> western Victorian city of Warrnambool yesterday. -> -> The man left a trail of scorch marks and molten plastic behind him. I find that very hard to believe. -> It was yesterday afternoon when Frank Clewer walked into a -> Warrnambool business and got his first shock. -> -> "It sounded almost like a firecracker or something like that," he -> said. -> -> "It was at the reception area. Within say, around five minutes, the -> carpet started to erupt," he said. I find that very hard to believe. -> Burns the size of 10-cent pieces were left on the carpet where Mr -> Clewer had been standing. I find that very hard to believe. -> The Country Fire Authority evacuated the building and those around -> it, fearing the power could cause larger electrical problems. -> -> But Mr Clewer's worries continued when he got back in his car. -> -> "I actually scorched a piece of plastic I had on the floor of the -> car," he said. That's what he gets for buying one of those cars with no metal parts in it anywhere. Have I mentioned I find that very hard to believe? -> Scientist Karl Kruszelnicki says it is likely the electrical -> build-up was caused by a number of factors, such as the synthetic -> clothes the man was wearing. Well, that'll do it every time. Why, just yesterday, I put on a polyester hat, and that's why my TV dinner got burned before I could even remember to turn the oven off. -> "This poor guy has built up static electricity thanks to an -> unfortunate combination of insulating clothes that he's wearing, -> static, synthetic clothes, just walking along and he's just -> building up this static charge everywhere," Dr Kruszelnicki said. -> -> "I've read of it but I've never heard of it here in Australia." That's right, they get the Weekly World News down there in Australia now that Australia's part of the world. -> The CFA has Mr Clewer's jacket and says it is continuing to give -> off voltage. I find that so hard to believe that if it's true, I'll eat Mount Rushmore (starting with the heads.) So his jacket's filled with that sort of Movie Electricity that makes sparks keep spraying out of the ends of neon signs after they fall to the ground? Does it also have the second sort of Movie Electricity that looks like glowing blue worms that chase you around the room? Or does it have the sort that looks like sine-wave-shaped lightning you can aim at people twenty feet away? Please tell me it's not the type from "TimeCop" which only kills you if you can't do a split while wearing really short shorts. Also if you meet yourself the two of you fuse into a wad of pink bubble gum that turns into a pi–ata that is filled with equilateral Doritos. Man, I hate Peter Hyams. And Jean-Claude Van Damme. And Movie Electricity. You know, the "Simpsons" episode inspired by Ray Bradbury's "A Sound Of Thunder" ("Time And Punishment" in season 6) did have that toaster spraying Movie Electricity sparks while it was unplugged, but that's okay, because it was still a much better adaptation of Bradbury's story than Peter Hyams's "A Sound Of Thunder". If I had a time machine, I'd use it to go back in time and kill Peter Hyams before he could make all those movies about people changing history. Plus, I'd get free Doritos. Mmm, Movie-Electricity-flavored Doritos. -- K. I really wish I'd been holding my voltmeter during that storm when that lightning strike tickled me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Zap, if you can believe that. Date: Fri, 16 Sep 2005 19:55:55 -0400 I recently quoted: [www.abc.net.au] -> -> Man builds up 30,000 volts of static electricity -> -> [...] -> -> The CFA has Mr Clewer's jacket and says it is continuing to give -> off voltage. Well, guess what? His jacket is indeed still continuining to give off voltage. It's already gone up: [news.yahoo.com] => => Power-dressing man leaves trail of destruction => => An Australian man built up a 40,000-volt charge of static => electricity in his clothes as he walked, leaving a trail of => scorched carpet and molten plastic and forcing firefighters to => evacuate a building. By the end of the day, he'll be up to 100,000. And if he lives to be a thousand years old... over a trillion volts times double infinity! Except he'll be too old to actually walk around so he'll just melt his own carpet. => Frank Clewer, who was wearing a woolen shirt and a synthetic nylon => jacket, was oblivious to the growing electrical current that was => building up as his clothes rubbed together. That seems hard to believe, because a 40,000 volt charge with enough current to burn plastic objects would necessarily make lighting bolts over an inch long whenever he came close to anything metal. And he'd definitely notice that rather loud form of momentary paint. And then he'd have to go to all that work scuffing his feet on the carpet for another six hours to charge himself up to make the next spark. => [...] => => "We tested his clothes with a static electricity field meter and => measured a current of 40,000 volts, which is one step shy of => spontaneous combustion, where his clothes would have self-ignited," => Barton said. When did science prove that 40,001 volts causes "spontaneous combustion"? Matter of fact, isn't it impossible for anything to _cause_ spontaneous combustion? => [...] => => Firefighters took possession of Clewer's jacket and stored it in => the courtyard of the fire station, where it continued to give off a => strong electrical current. Um. I really want to see the footage of the Movie Lightning shooting out of his jacket and chasing firemen around in circles and trying to bite their feet to make them dance. And then it spontaneously re-charges itself and does it again a second later. Now, everbody on my cue, let's all do our best Maurice LaMarche impressions: "STATIC ELECTRICITY DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!" -- K. Which button do I push to summon the cast of "MythBusters"? Or failing that, can I at least summon half the cast in case it's the cute one? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Zap, if you can believe that. Date: Sat, 17 Sep 2005 19:50:05 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > => Frank Clewer, who was wearing a woolen shirt and a synthetic nylon > > => jacket, was oblivious to the growing electrical current that was > > => building up as his clothes rubbed together. > > > > That seems hard to believe, because a 40,000 volt charge with > > enough current to burn plastic objects would necessarily make > > lighting bolts over an inch long whenever he came close to > > anything metal. And he'd definitely notice that rather loud form > > of momentary paint. > > Only if it's one of those metallic paints, in which case you > have to leave part of him unpainted so he doesn't die of electricity > suffocation. Geez. Now not only do I have to go back and fix that typo, I have to hunt down and kill anyone who's read your comment on my typo so that the world will forget my only typo. Thanks a lot for creating all this extra work for me, you meanie. But I do like the idea of momentary paint. You'd spend days coating your house with it but it would only be visible for a tenth of a second at some unspecified time in the future. It would be like invisible ink that could wink, don't you think? Or does my idea stink, you dink? (THE ORCHESTRA SWELLS AND SAUL BASS'S ANIMATED TITLE SEQUENCE BEGINS AS A CHORUS OF BEARDED MEN SING THE TITLE SONG OF THE FIVE-HOUR SLAPSTICK EPIC, "WINKETY INK" -- THE SEQUEL TO "BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES: THE MOVIE".) When your house's ink winks your real estate value sinks it spirals down the sink faster than the drain can drink it stinks and it stinks and it stinks it stinks on ice in hockey rinks it puts the cream filling in twink ies and it stinks and it winks as it stinks on your house it winks for your house it winks for you it winks and it winks and it winks so it stinks all the salesmen are finks and by their skin they're all pink not one of them has a working dink (KLAXON SOUNDS) Attention! This movie features a cameo by a hilarious comedy troupe consisting of Zeppo Marx, Joe DeRita, and any one of the Ritz Brothers. Now back to our Oscar-nominated song: When your house's winky ink blinks the flashing hurts your thinks it gives you a migraine as it spirals down the drain and it winks and it sinks and it stinks and something about zinc dooby dooby dooby doo zinc feed it to your mink you made a mistake painting your house with winkety ink but now you're about to enjoy the greatest comedy movie ever, "Winkety Ink"! doo dah (BENNY HILL IS DRIVING A MOTORCYCLE WITH BOB HOPE RIDING IN THE SIDECAR. THE MOVIE GOES DOWNHILL FROM THERE. THEN THE INTERMISSION SONG BEGINS:) This is the intermission, this is the intermission, this is the intermission, this is the intermission, this is the intermission, this is the intermission, this is the intermission, this is the intermission, this is the intermission, this is the intermission, this is the intermission, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la looby la, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la deedle da, la la la la la la la la la la la la the intermission is now over, return to your seats now, and enjoy the rest of "Winkety Ink"! The next intermission will be in two hours. (BRETT SOMERS AND DR. JOYCE BROTHERS HAVE A CATFIGHT, THEN PULL A ROPE WITH A SIGN ON IT SAYING "PULL ROPE TO MAKE THE MOVIE GO FURTHER DOWNHILL." THERE ARE MORE INTERMISSIONS, AND THEN THE MOVIE APPARENTLY HAS AN ENDING BECAUSE THE CLOSING MUSIC PLAYS. THE AUDIENCE WAKES UP AND KILLS THEMSELVES. THEN THE MOVIE BEGINS AGAIN WHILE THEIR CORPSES SIT SILENTLY. THEN A MOVIE STUDIO EXECUTIVE HANDS THEM ALL COMMENT CARDS TO FILL OUT.) So, anyway, I'm going to fix that typo so that I won't have to comment on it. -- K. There, I just wasted five hours of your life with this movie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Zap, if you can believe that. Date: Sun, 18 Sep 2005 20:00:26 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But I do like the idea of momentary paint. You'd spend days coating > > your house with it but it would only be visible for a tenth of a second > > at some unspecified time in the future. It would be like invisible > > ink that could wink, don't you think? Or does my idea stink, you dink? > > I note that one can now buy paint that goes on bright pink, but dries > white. Almost "momentary". But if they use the world's supply of phenolphthalein for that, then how will people turn water into wine the next time some amateur magician wants to become the messiah? (Of course, back in the first century they had an even easier way of doing that trick, according to Hero of Alexandria, but you're not supposed to know that either.) > There seems to be a narrow window of history here (before everyone knows > about this stuff) when there is an opportunity for a defenestration of historical proportions? I want to use a non-sparking bronze crash axe to smash the window of history and let all the flies out. > heartstopping practical joke involving the line "White, Darling?? > I thought you said you wanted the living room bright pink!!" Now if they could just make paint with the B-Z reagents in it so that your walls would not only keep changing from vanilla to chocolate and back, but would do so in pretty spirals that could kick the ass of any stupid paramecia-shaped paisley, damn William Morris. What do I win for mentioning Drs. Belousov, Zhabotinsky, Morris, and Paramecium in the same sentence? And does anyone else remember when Dr. Paramecium won the Nobel Prize For Being The Smartest Single-Celled Organism Found In Any Dairy Queen Product? > > There, I just > > wasted > > five hours of your > > life > > with this movie. > > HAW HAW! I used the fast forward button to jump straight to the end to > see who lives happily ever after. That... wasn't... a... button... eww. Go wash your hands, pervert. You've got Dr. Paramecia all over them. -- K. Also, stop being such a formattingfuckerupper and trying to turn my neatly-formatted text into William Morris's swirliest bowel movement. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Zap, if you can believe that. Date: Fri, 16 Sep 2005 23:41:19 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > => "We tested his clothes with a static electricity field meter and > => measured a current of 40,000 volts, which is one step shy of > => spontaneous combustion, where his clothes would have self-ignited," > => Barton said. > > "A current of 40,000 volts," eh? Are they _sure_ they didn't mean > "a voltage of 40,000 amps?" Or, maybe they meant "a weight of 40,000 miles." > Wait, this is upside-downland, it would be "a weight of 64,000 kilometers." Dude, it's _static_ electricity, not the moving type that has current. It doesn't move through wires the way current does -- it just sits there until your back is turned, then it teleports onto your face. Remember the safety rule: Because you can't see it move, it can only jump onto you if you're _not_ looking at it, so never take your eyes off anything that might or might not be electrical! Also, it's impossible to go 20,000 leagues under the sea, because you can only go that far in an ocean, not a sea. By the way, how do they enforce the borders between the different oceans so that they don't all become one big ocean? Do they have some sort of waterproof baby gate between South America and Antarctica? -- K. I like that Aussie firemen always carry a "static electricity field meter". I think that's a euphemism for one of those hats with little pith balls hanging from strings. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Zap, if you can believe that. Date: Fri, 16 Sep 2005 14:31:21 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> The man left a trail of scorch marks and molten plastic behind him. > > -> > > -> [...] > > -> > > -> Burns the size of 10-cent pieces were left on the carpet > > -> where Clewer had been standing. > > > > I find that very hard to believe. > > I find it all perfectly believable, provided he was being > careless with lit cigarettes at the same time. > > In bed. On fire. One cigarette burn is being careless. A trail of them leading through the city like some sort of more dangerous version of "The Family Circus", that's a David Cronenberg stroke film, especially if the trail of cigarette burns leads into Debbie Harry's vagina, or James Woods's. By the way, I note that Australia is one of those weird foreign countries like Canada where you go to jail if you use the word "dime". Since Canada won't call their ten-cent coin a "dime" like right-thinking Americans do, I call on all Americans to call our dollar coin a "loonie" just to make Canada cry. Also, we should bomb Toronto unless they learn how to pluralize "Toronto Maple Leaf". But that's beside the point. As a future President of the United States, I am already planning to introduce 2-cent, 3-cent, 4-cent, 6-cent, 7-cent, 8-cent, 9-cent, 11-cent, 12-cent, and 13-cent coins. What should we call them? The 13-cent one should obviously be a "teenie" but I don't know about the others. Also there should be at least one city where bus fare requires one of each coin, so there needs to be a name for that Whitman's Sampler of coins too. -- K. There should be a 99c coin just to make eBay easier for everyone who isn't smart enough to know about proxy bids. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: But what about toenail clippers? Date: Fri, 16 Sep 2005 18:27:09 -0400 [news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> Doctors' kitchen knives ban call -> -> A&E doctors are calling for a ban on long pointed kitchen knives to -> reduce deaths from stabbing. Better yet, why not just ban stabbing? That'll work just as well! And it won't mean sukiyaki chefs will have to keep their big knives in the bathroom. "Your dinner's almost ready, I'll just have to take it into the shower stall to slice it up." And while we're at it, let's make it illegal to send out spam! That'll stop it forever! -> A team from West Middlesex University Hospital said violent crime -> is on the increase -- and kitchen knives are used in as many as half -> of all stabbings. ...and yet rubber balls are used in fewer than half. -> [...] -> -> The researchers said there was no reason for long pointed knives to -> be publicly available at all. "In other words, everyone in the world but us is an idiot because everyone has at least one pointy knife in their kitchen. Science cannot explain the purpose of long knives! WE DO NOT RECOGNIZE THE EXISTENCE OF WATERMELONS!" -> They consulted 10 top chefs from around the UK, and found such -> knives have little practical value in the kitchen. That's why I keep mine in the bedroom, under my pillow. I'd like to see those damn smarmy British scientists try to get it away from me in the middle of the night. -> None of the chefs felt such knives were essential, since the point -> of a short blade was just as useful when a sharp end was needed. "Everything can now be sliced using only the point of the knife! WE DO NOT RECOGNIZE THE EXISTENCE OF BREAD IN LOAF FORM!" -> The researchers said a short pointed knife may cause a substantial -> superficial wound if used in an assault -- but is unlikely to -> penetrate to inner organs. So they're proposing to ban all knives longer than about an inch? "Yes, because THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BIRTHDAY CAKE!" -> In contrast, a pointed long blade pierces the body like "cutting -> into a ripe melon". "So all we have to do is to make it impossible for anyone ever to cut watermelon again. We will do humanity a great service by eliminating any possibility anyone will ever eat watermelon. Except for Mary Tyler Moore, who can eat a whole watermelon sideways." -> [...] -> -> French laws in the 17th century decreed that the tips of table and -> street knives be ground smooth. -> -> A century later, forks and blunt-ended table knives were introduced -> in the UK in an effort to reduce injuries during arguments in -> public eating houses. I say we should replace them all with chopsticks in an effort to increase brain-being-stabbed-through-the-nose injuries. -- K. I hate watermelon, but it's not worth getting rid of useful things like knives and swords just so I won't have to see watermelons rotting in the supermarket again. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: But what about toenail clippers? Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 13:53:10 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > > > > > What about the Dept of Homeland Security? > > > They WANT you to have knives. > > > > From what we've seen in New Orleans, guns appear to handy too. It's better to learn how to defend yourself without a weapon, so that you can manhandy people. > > > Go to http://www.dhs.gov/dhspublic/ and scroll down to the end of > > > "preparedness tip #16". > > > > It says: > > "30 Tips for Emergency Preparedness, National Preparedness Month 2005" > > but > > "Preparedness Tip #15" > > is the last one listed. > > DON'T BLAME ME BECAUSE YOUR KID BROTHER BUSTED YOUR TIME MACHINE, MORON!! > ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE FREAKING PSYCOPATHS THAT GOES AROUND THREATENING TO > BURN PEOPLE'S LAWNS OR SUMTHING??? 'COS IN THAT CASE, GET OFFA MY LAWN!! Here in the city we don't have lawns, so I never get to use my time machine or flamethrower. Well, actually, I do use the flamethrower, but only on the subway where that sort of stuff is legal. I mean, if you can pee all over the stairs, surely you can shoot clean, sanitizing flames, right? -- K. "BURN IT ALL! BURN DOWN HARRRRVARRRRRRRRRD!" I wonder whatever happened to her. And what color she's turned. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.math,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: abuse/corruption of Google's advertising, involving Internet posters Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Fri, 16 Sep 2005 23:32:01 -0400 In news.admin.net-abuse.misc, sci.physics, and sci.math, Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > --- quoting what Google shows for today for the posts which mention > Archimedes Plutonium --- > > Sort by relevance Sorted by date > > Sponsored Links > Mature Movies, Discreetly > unlimited, 3 out, no late fees > new release movies & games, too > www.intelliflix.com > > Get Laid Tonight > Find Someone In Your Neighborhood > To Have Sex With Today Hot Pics! > www.myhotsexfinder.com > > [...] > > Usually on the righthand side of the screen are the Google ads, which > key onto words of interest in the posts themselves. > > In the past those ads matched my posts of physics, of math, of biology. > But as of lately those ads are nothing but pornography. Well, then, you should be careful never to use the word "pornography". 'Cause if you ever did, Google would say "Aha! He's talking about pornography! Now he _wants_ us to tell him all about ponygirls getting their high heels stuck in maple syrup!" So, try not to say the word "pornography", which I'm pretending you didn't just say, which you did. Oh, also, you quoted the word "sex". So now Google thinks you know what sex is. Anyway, if you weren't talking about porn here and now, Google might not be telling you about even more porn. You should be careful not to quote anything I said here, because I've just said some naughty words, and you should also be careful not to quote anything you've ever said, because you've made many words seem stupid merely by putting them next to each other. Enough about porn. Let's talk about something else. Did you hear that astronomers just discovered the secret of the Venus Butterfly Nebula? Turns out it's a quasar felching a black hole. They've named this new obscene celestial object a "squixtar". What are your views on squixtars? And please, don't use any dirty words. > I never (or very rarely ever) stray from posting about science issues. For sufficiently small values of "never". Hey, have you ever played Fizzbin? > So why is this pornography attached to the name Archimedes Plutonium? I think you meant to say "how". Because then I could answer you with some remark about Archimedes Plutonium's Electric Velcro, or Archimedes Plutonium's Full-Body Straitjacket With Poop Hole. Hmm, it was many years ago that you went on a rant about full-body straight jackets with poop holes. Maybe Google scanned through its archives and figured that if you were saying naughty toidy words like "poop" several years ago, by now you're probably grown up enough to be ready for the real porn. > Does Google have some sort of formula that they work from to make the > ads relevant to the search? What, you think it's possible they made their billions of dollars by paying one guy to roll a die 583,000,000,000,000 times? Duh. Like most advertising, it happens... sting) music (dramatic ...ON PURPOSE!!! > Or can advertisers target posters such that their crap is always > tied to a poster. Buy Posters Of Archie Being Tied To A Poster click here > I take offence to a system wherein an author is smeared by the > advertisement that is irrelevant to the postings of the author. See Archie Being Smeared By An Advertisement Of Him Being Smeared By Maple Syrup click here > It maybe that my enemies make posts that include my name and include > pornography, but this is the problem of Google and not a private > citizen who is being smeared by corrupt advertising. See Archie's Private... naah, this is just too easy. > So where is this corruption emanating in the Google ad mechanism? Well, you see, Google's "ad mechanism" is entirely controlled by this one atom at its exact center. It's an atom of pornium, the sexiest element known to scientists, except for those who are still wasting their time with carbon dating. -- K. Have you ever considered that EVERY page of search engine results has some porn links on it? It's a law of nature first discovered by Ben Franklin. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: abuse/corruption of Google's advertising, involving Internet posters Date: Sat, 17 Sep 2005 19:58:46 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > By the way, Google says that you left your keys in the > left-hand pocket of your leather jacket. Google thinks I'd wear a jacket that only had one pocket on each side? I never lose my keys, but sometimes it takes me several minutes to pat all the pocket without ever accidentally making The Sign Of The Fifteen-Armed Cross On Which Octojesus And His Pets Were Crucified. I bet Google also doesn't how long all the zippers would be if laid together end-to-end. Two miles or three? I don't even want to speculate on what Google thinks about my underwear. -- K. And that's why Anne Robinson is smarter than Google. Because Anne Robinson can talk intelligently about leather. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What I've Learned From A.R.K. Date: Fri, 16 Sep 2005 23:48:19 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > What I have learned from A.R.K. > > 1) I'm evil. > > 2) I'm gay. > > 3) Sharp, pointy things are evil. Finally, you have accepted the three great truths. I'd hug you, but I'm holding lots of sharp pointy things, so I'll just give you what's left of a thumbs-up... PLEASE HELP ME LOOK FOR THE TIP!!! > 4) Kibo is a llama. Those are the ornery critters that spit all the time because they're trying to pronounce their Welsh name, right? > 5) I am naive in the ways of the world, except for the parts where I am > not naive of. As if there's only one world here on the Internet. (What color are the clouds on the desktop in your world?) > 6) George Bush is responsible for everything wrong everywhere and can > never do anything right. Then why don't I see him posting to sci.physics? > 7) Emergency pants rock. (Wait, no, I learned that from Sluggy > Freelance). You bozo, you're supposed to put the emergency rock in the _front_. -- K. My desktop's still a nice soothing solid dried-blood color. I just think computers today come with too many kinds of blue but not enough "hide the bloodstains" colors. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Clever new rule. Date: Sat, 17 Sep 2005 20:06:23 -0400 Okay, here's a new rule I just made up: From now on, taxis should turn ON their "For Hire" light when they're for hire and turn it OFF when they're not. If adopted, this daring innovation would make Boston's taxis much closer to being usable. Also, the word "usable" looks wrongly-spelled whether it's "usable" or "useable". Merriam-Webster says both spellings are correct, but they're obviously both wrong. Please modify that word so there's a correct way to spell it. -- K. And it would be nice if they came up with a way to make it possible for taxi drivers to see black people. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri? Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 13:42:13 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@Gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Sometimes I think you are almost but not quite entirely unlike grape > > Kool-Aid. > > On a totally unrelated subject, the other day I was in a local mexican > market looking for some weird eats, and I ran across a package of Kool-Aid > like substance which was "Purple Flavor". > > I purchased one, hoping that in Mexico, Purple tastes like something other > than grape. I will mix up a batch today, and if it isnt' just another > boring old grape beverage, I will post an instant review. Be sure to post another review a day after you drink a quart of it because... well, you'll know why when it happens. (It's not just Skippy that can make green peanut butter!) Hey, Darla, what flavor of Kool-Aid am I? Can I be one of those ones with Pop Rocks built-in? Or maybe that flavor that they had to recall in the 1980s because it had too much hot pepper? -- K. I miss the 1980s. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri? Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 18:38:54 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, Darla, what flavor of Kool-Aid am I? ... > > You are the flavour of Kool-Aid that is ineffable, like the packet > that had probably been purchased sometime in the summer of 1958, that > I found stuck to the inside door of a pantry at my mother's house in > 1983. > > We mixed it up and drank some, because hey--- the 80s. Um, Darla -- that wasn't Kool-Aid, it was Electric Banana hair dye. > The flavour was definitely kiboesque. Not quite all there. Sometimes food that has almost no flavor can be a fascinating, subtle experience. However, food that has almost no flavor can be the worst thing in the world if it's a very subtle bad flavor. This is why curry is good. It has so much flavor that there's no risk of it being the sort of thing that has almost no bad flavor. -- K. Do they make hair dye in Crazy Curcuma? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri? Date: Wed, 21 Sep 2005 01:05:05 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > All telescopes I have been to have juggling balls and puzzles and > those twisted metal things that must be untangled, at the console. > > Apparently astronomers get bored when observing for 12 hours straight, > and everything is working fine and needs no intervention. Also, most astronomers have the brains of cats. That's why their heads are so small, unless, like Carl Sagan, they smoke lots of doobies. -- K. I suppose that makes using the blink comparator even trippier. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri? Date: Wed, 21 Sep 2005 01:51:03 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I suppose that makes using the blink comparator even trippier. > > blink comparators are cool co0l cool co0l cool co0l cool co0l cool > co0l cool co0l cool co0l cool co0l cool co0l cool co0l cool co0l. That's because you're a nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred. DRAN YOU, YOU NRED! I think a good prank would be to project a Charlie Chaplin movie into some astronomer's blink comparator when he's really stoned and his eyes are all bloodshot and ready to explode if he blinks too much. Or you could just stick the classic 1954 "Atlas Of Human Anatomy: Face Cut-Away" ViewMaster reel into the blink comparator. Yes, fifty years ago they made ViewMaster reels showing people's faces being sliced off. This was during the heyday of ViewMaster snuff, before they figured out that Popeye reels sold better. One's on eBay right now. Go ahead and buy it just for your wacky astronomy prank: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=7351699483 Also, blink comparators aren't any good because they don't show black holes, zero-dimensional invisars, or any of the many objects receding from you at ten trillion times the speed of light. Those objects are receding from you because you're a nred, which is why they have such a massive nredshift! -- K. Also try putting a "Magic Eye" poster into it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri? Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 13:51:29 -0400 Kitty Davis (kitdavis@gmail.com) wrote: > > My hairdresser says he's incapable of plaiting, but he's the only one I've > found who doesn't drive me to try to correct their views on life, Big > Brother, Crystal Therapy, and the Da Vinci Code. What about the Bible Code? There are some crackpot things that cause people who believe them to _have_ to make everyone else around them believe them, and I've been button-holed by people who feel I'm not permitted to terminate the conversation until I'm won over to whatever the hell the stupid Bible Code is supposed to prove. Note: I am only mocking "the stupid Bible Code", not "The Stupid Bible code". If you get your hands on a copy of The Stupid Bible that the Vatican's been suppressing -- the one where Jesus throws a different cream pie on every page -- then you'll discover it's full of fun word-search puzzles, mazes, and wacky Fold-Ins. Of course, every Fold-In is something about a crucifix turning into "a crix", and I'm not sure but I think that's a rice cracker sold only at Save-A-Lot. That must mean something. I'VE GOT TO TELL EVERYONE THAT SOMETHING MUST MEAN SOMETHING!!! -- K. Aramchek and Albemuth must be involved! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hooray for the common psychopath Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 14:07:06 -0400 [news.yahoo.com] -> -> "Wanted: psychopaths to make a killing in the markets". -> -> Such an advert will not be appearing in the world's newspapers any -> time soon, but it may have a ring of truth after research revealed -> the best wheeler-dealers could well be "functional psychopaths". Then why didn't I do better back when I played the market? Are you calling me non-functional? Hmm? You talkin' to me? -> A team of U.S. scientists has found the emotionally impaired are -> more willing to gamble for high stakes Well, duh. You could've gone to any casino to learn that people with withered heads love to play the sit-down slots. -> and that people with brain damage may make good financial decisions, ...which still doesn't excuse them being placed in charge of movie studios. Coming soon: "The Cat In The Hat II: Even More Shit!" -> the Times newspaper reported on Monday. -> -> In a study of investors' behaviour 41 people with normal IQs were -> asked to play a simple investment game. Fifteen of the group had -> suffered lesions on the areas of the brain that affect emotions. I'm better than them because my brain has volume, not area. I'm at least two-and-a-half-dimensional! -> The result was those with brain damage outperformed those without. -> -> The scientists found emotions led some of the group to avoid risks -> even when the potential benefits far outweighed the losses, a -> phenomenon known as myopic loss aversion. -> -> One of the researchers, Antione Bechara, an associate professor of -> neurology at the University of Iowa, said the best stock market -> investors might plausibly be called "functional psychopaths." So what's a non-functional psychopath? Someone who can't even figure out how to be a jerk? -- K. I like how the scientists of the world are interested in learning from psychopaths. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Deep breaths... Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 17:18:12 -0400 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > I suffered an asthma flare-up last month and my doctor put me on some new > medication to get it under control. Symbicort seems to be working quite > well but it gave me a persistent cough which I just can't seem to shake. To > monitor my progress, my doctor sent me for some blood tests and an ECG, > which I went for this morning. While in the waiting room at the lab, I was > obviously coughing up vital organs all over the place because some little > Polish man sitting beside me leaned over and asked "Are you sufferrink from > da tooboorkoolosees?" Well, don't keep us all in suspense. Are you suffering from the ol' tubababerculotizzle? I just got over the 48-hour virus which is going through the community of important people in the Boston area, so at the moment I talk exactly like Harvey Fierstein. Which is weird, because I don't find Homer Simpson attractive at all. -- K. He's no John Redcorn! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is math a real science? Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 21:52:41 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > sometimes if not all the time it is better that yyou understand what our > dong math on and if the math systeem is identical to the atulator. I have no clue what you're trying to communicate (assuming, of course, that you are.) So I attempted to translate your sentence into English via Google's new Automated Word Salad Decryptionoogle, and I got: (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) PENIS (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?). That was no help whatsoever. I then called the team from "CSI" to do a forensic analysis of the word-like conglomeration of letters identified only as "atulator". They suggested it's a reference to the movie "Ator, The Barbarian" starring Miles O'Keefe in a skimpy loincloth. Or maybe "Ator, The Fighting Eagle". I forget which one of those is the one where the ending requires him to pull a complete aluminum-tubing-based hang glider out of his butt. So, all I know about your theory is that it's something about Miles O'Keefe's barbarian wang. But, of course, I have an open mind so I'm going to wait for you to explain the remainder of your theory of Miles O'Keefe's ding-a-ling before I say whether it's stupid. Is a hang glider involved? -- K. Can your next theory please involve Torgo, the Chicken Man Of Krankor, and John Banner? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I'm naked! Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 00:24:39 -0400 [www.9news.com] -> -> DENVER -- Police arrested a man who they say jumped out -> from behind a bush, shouted "I'm naked," and then chased -> two women down a street. When I read that sentence I thought "BRILLIANT! KAUFMANESQUE!" but then the next sentence told me the guy was _actually_ naked and I lost all appreciation for his bravura performance in the theatre of the absurd in my mind. I like the idea of a fully-clothed man trying to scare people by yelling "I'M NAKED!" It would be even funnier if the guy were wearing a T-shirt that said "SHIRT" and pants that said "PANTS" and a hat that had a neon sign saying "READ SHIRT FIRST". -- K. I wonder how fat he was? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm naked! Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 13:24:07 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I like the idea of a fully-clothed man trying to scare people > > by yelling "I'M NAKED!" It would be even funnier if the guy were > > wearing a T-shirt that said "SHIRT" and pants that said "PANTS" > > and a hat that had a neon sign saying "READ SHIRT FIRST". > > This is one of those things where they could not > bust you for the crime itself, but would have to > add some bullshit charge like disturbing the peace, > which I believe is best reserved for Katrina and > George Bush. But that's just me. On other planets > pehaps policemen would see the irony. I believe the bullshit charge you're looking for is "menacing". They could always fall back on "assault", too -- remember that in most places if you hit someone that's "battery" but if you just yell at someone that's "assault", even if no ass gets salted. I'd angle for "menacing", myself, because that would look much cooler on my Permanent Record. It would make people think I somehow got arrested for wearing red overalls with a slingshot in the back pocket and weird spirals on my elbows. My favorite "Dennis The Menace" cartoon is the one where Dad is saying into the phone, "Let me get this straight, Mr. Wilson -- you say Dennis broke your GARAGE?" because that one at least _implies_ that Dennis did something. Most of the others just have him watching TV while saying something about how Mom said not to watch too much TV. Also, the real reason Hank Ketcham tried to get the "Dysfunctional Family Circus" Web site shut down is that it was funnier than the real one. In the same way the "Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy: The Movie" DVD doesn't have any of the movie's trailers, because they didn't want to point out that the European trailer was fifty thousand times funnier than that dreary movie. -- K. P.S. I'm naked! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Disturbing commercial #20050920a. Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 00:54:15 -0400 EarthLink (an Internet connectivity provider) has a new commercial. Like all other commercials for all other Internet service providers, it consists of employees telling you how hard they're working to keep you from getting bad ol' viruses in your mailbox. But in this one, the philosophies they're expounding are of the form "I believe in eliminating viruses..." ...meanwhile, in the background, elves, ogres, wizards, and fairies are cavorting around the EarthLink office. That's right, EarthLink wants you to know their office is full of fairies. More to the point, for some reason, the commercial wants us to understand that anyone who believes EarthLink's staff could ever actually keep viruses out of your E-mail must also believe in fairies. -- K. I'm not sure about the precise genus and species of the various magyckal creatures gamboling in the background, but I suspect that EarthLink employs a few trolls. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hair color update #20050920a. Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 01:23:30 -0400 So my dark red, as good as a dye job as it was, eventually did fade. Last time I washed it, it came out nacarat -- a sort of corally pinkish-orange -- and so it had to go. Red good, orange good, pink very bad. I did a bleach cycle, which left me with pale orange-blond hair and a slightly less pale orange beard -- peach colors -- but that was okay because I wanted to do a bright orange (hadn't done orange in a while, and it's my favorite) so the light orange residue was no problem. I could cover it with any shade of orange. I decided to go with a fluorescent, sunny school bus yellow-orange. I did it with a jar of Manic Panic Electric Banana (a nuclear pale yellow) plus a squirt of Clairol Professional Jazzing Bold Gold and one drop of the redundantly-named Colorful Protein Color Filler #10 Red Red. (One drop of red is enough to give a whole jar of yellow a slight orange tint.) I love the slightly orange yellow, because it's incredibly luminous and yet you never see anyone else with this particular shade. (Manic Panic makes a shade like this -- Electric Sunshine -- but I've never been able to find a store that carries it. It must be their worst-selling color.) When I get tired of the school bus hair, next up will be a fluorescent flame orange, which will be perfect for Halloween. Then, after that, anything goes! Except pink or green. -- K. If the #10 shade of the Colorful Filler Color With Filler is "Red Red", what's #11? "Red Red Red Red And A Half"? "Red Timesed By Infinity"? "So Much Red Dye It Looks Solid Black And Poisons You Through Your Skull"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pirate Chic Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 01:36:17 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > A recent eye exam revealed that Anna cannot really see out of her left > eye. Apparently, she has been getting by with one eye, since she > hasn't been complaining about not being able to see the white board at > school and finished the latest Harry Potter in record time. > Unfortunately, this has resulted in her left eye becoming lazy as well > as incompetent. SUE HARRY POTTER! > The eye doctor was obviously foreign as he objected to lazy incompetence > and declared that she must wear an eye patch several hours per day. > Anna is in fifth grade and not very excited about the prospect of > wearing glasses full time and an eye patch part time, so even though > she only has to wear it while at home for now (the doctor may hate > lazy eyes, but he obviously has compassion when it comes to preteen > angst), we decided to make it more fun as well as more comfortable. > After a trip to the fabric store and a night of designing and sewing, > Anna is sporting a lavender leopard print eye patch. AAARRR! > Fashion forward, maties! Hey Paula, I tried to mail you this, but your EarthLink E-mail address seems to no longer work -- possibly due to a hobbit or Ewok -- so I'm posting it here instead. Re the lavender eyepatch: Cool! If she eventually has to go out in it, you should make her several different styles so she can wear different ones on different days. When dealing with the other kids, that would help a lot in terms of giving her more ownership of her identity (i.e. she'd no longer be the girl who wears an eyepatch, she'd be the girl who chooses her eyepatches. In other words, if it changes from time to time, it becomes a fashion statement.) Just don't get her one with a snow globe in it like the kid in "The World According To Garp". Though you could buy her a glass eye (eBay has lots of them) so that she could pull wacky pranks when people ask her about the patch. And she could do jokes about "He tried to catch my eye but it fell behind the sofa..." They also make egg-shaped opaque sticky bandages ("Opticlude" is one brand) designed to cover a kid's eye -- those are more comfortable 'cause there's no elastic, but I think they make people look creepy because it gives them a blank flesh-colored spot where their eye is supposed to be. They sell them in drugstores. There was once a series of "Peanuts" strips where one of the kids (Sally, maybe?) had to deal with wearing an eye patch for a while, some time in the 1970s. But I don't remember any of the jokes except that Schulz really loved having little kids say "amblyopia" or whatever the word is. The punchlines were probably something like "Amblyopia means never having to say you're cross-eyed!" or "Rod McKuen couldn't draw a good cow leg even if he had double amblyopia!" or "AUGH! *WUMP* I hate that eye-eating tree!" -- K. Please write some "Peanuts" fanfic about how Charlie Brown's baldness was caused by Superboy when he was practicing to do the same to Lex Luthor. Thank you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pirate Chic Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 13:08:27 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > I'm sure she would feel much better if everyone was pointing and > > laughing at her magenta hair instead of her eye patch. > > If only she were in high school, she could have the hair AND the eye patch > and be Queen of the Kool Rebels Table. High school is like training wheels for cool, because there you can be cool by just being super-good-looking, which is so much easier than actually being cool. Does Anna know that they sell camouflage clothing in shades of pink now? Unfortunately, nobody does lavender yet, but still, if she had a pink camo t-shirt and the magenta hair and the lavender eyepatch she'd be cool even if she didn't have a gun! -- K. I think they do make lavender guns just for girls. They make glue guns in girl versions (smaller than the mens', in pastel colors) so obviously they must make other types of girl guns. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pirate Chic Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 13:42:59 -0400 I just wrote: > > Does Anna know that they sell camouflage clothing in shades of pink now? > Unfortunately, nobody does lavender yet, but still, if she had a pink > camo t-shirt and the magenta hair and the lavender eyepatch she'd be > cool even if she didn't have a gun! For the first time, I was wrong. They do sell camouflage clothing in every shade of purple. This eBay search will find a bunch: (lavender,purple,violet,ultraviolet) camo* I really should check my facts before posting so that I won't have to kill everyone. I particularly like this eBay item: -> Purple Violet Camo Army Issue Cargo BDU Pants XL-R NWT! ...because it proves my theory that the Army is secretly outfitting all our soldiers with purple camouflage in preparation for invading the nightclub from "The Nutty Professor" to take down Jerry Lewis. Scientists are still trying to determine how the Northwest Territories are involved in this conspiracy. They must be, because every eBay auction says "NWT!" except for the ones which say "LQQK!" -- K. While searching for Hameenlinna Hockey Playing Knights (HPK) logos once, it took me forever to figure out that "HPK" was eBay-speak for "hot pink". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pirate Chic Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 13:04:29 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Kitty Davis (kitdavis@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Let her dye her hair!!! Weird, kewl colours!!! Then, instead of > > being the kid with the eye patch, she'd be the kid with the > > dyed hair. Yes! It would work!! > > I'm sure she would feel much better if everyone was pointing and > laughing at her magenta hair instead of her eye patch. But then to prevent that she could just wear a wig to hide her magenta hair so nobody would be laughing at her. What's the problem? > > The other option is to get the flesh coloured ones Kibo suggested, > > and draw a big X on it, a la South Park. But her initial's not X. You want Anna to be running around with a big A showing? Then that's gonna get her beaten up by Nathaniel Hawthorne, and it would be the most boring fight ever. -- K. So have you helped her pick out a Halloween costume yet? I just saw a lopsided, gray-skinned Monica Lewinsky mask on eBay for five bucks. It looked sort of like if Solomon Grundy had scary teeth. By the way, who was Monica Lewinsky? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pirate Chic Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 12:57:08 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Please write some "Peanuts" fanfic about how Charlie Brown's > > baldness was caused by Superboy when he was practicing to do > > the same to Lex Luthor. Thank you. > > I don't do Peanuts or fanfic. I did talk to a kid who was wearing > Charlie Brown's shirt, complete with the zig zaggy thing on it. But > his grandma just died in front of his eyes, so it wouldn't have been > nice to refuse to talk to him just because he reminded me of Peanuts. Worst "Peanuts" special ever: "Your Grandma's Dead, Charlie Brown, And I Refuse To Talk To You Because You Wear A Stupid Shirt That Reminds Me Of You." Then Lucy has hired goons throw him out of her five-cent psychiatrist office. The goons cost two cents each so she still makes a profit. It was one of those "Peanuts" "specials" you could only get by paying $19.99 for the videotape at a gas station on Christmas day. It came with an anti-coupon that increased the price of Dolly Madison Zingers. And they found a way to make the old Dolly Madison logo even creepier. Like, she had a Mohawk or something. > I even refrained from pulling a football out before he kicked it so he > would fall on his ass and his head and his ass and his head. I always wondered why Lucy didn't do that to him right in front of the kite-eating tree so that he'd sail into it and get digested. That would be even more cruel, and therefore funnier, because "Peanuts" was a celebration of bad emotions. Spock wouldn't get it, but he also wouldn't get the comics which contain only good emotions, like "Love Is..." Come to think of it, I don't get "Love Is..." so I guess that makes me bad. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go design a robotic machine capable of pulling over 50,000 footballs away from children in one second. -- K. I keep thinking there should be a "Star Trek" episode where Kirk draws a zigzag on his yellow shirt just to hurt Spock's feelings by rubbing it in that Spock doesn't have feelings. Then Spock would cry and then he'd tell us that Vulcans have no feelings and never lie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pirate Chic Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 13:14:28 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > My dog is freaking out over thunder storms tonight. And I do mean > freaking out. I am so glad I don't live in an area where they are > common. In the meantime, I need drugs. Whether for her or for me, > I don't much care, as long as one of us is completely sedated. It's just electricity. Remember, as Thomas Edison proved by inventing the electric chair, only Nikola Tesla's Westinghouse brand alternating current can kill people. Lightning bolts are pure, sparkling clean Edison brand direct current, like the type that runs your flashlight only more. Imagine a cop carrying a black aluminum Mag-Lite with five thousand D cells in it. He couldn't hurt you with that, right? -- K. You want to learn to not be afraid of lightning, move into my neighborhood. You'll get hit so often it'll become dull. Zap, ho-hum, zap. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pirate Chic Date: Wed, 21 Sep 2005 01:10:51 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Imagine a cop carrying a black aluminum Mag-Lite with > > five thousand D cells in it. > > OK, I just want to point out that a D cell is 58mm long and > weighs 135g. So, a Mag-Lite with 5000 D cells would be 290M > long and weigh 675Kg. I would say that a cop capable of lifting > said Mag-Lite and beating you senseless with it would be more > than capable of hurting you even without the phal^H^H^H^Hflashlight. Dude, you already mailed me that. And I already replied, so now I have to write this again just so everyone else can see how clueless you are. In the Mag-Lite 5000, the cells are in a three-dimensional face-centered hexagonal-close-pack array. Most of the power from this compact ball of batteries is used to power the anti-gravity flanges in the flashlight's hull, making it light as a feather. Don't you ever get tired of being wrong? -- K. I should trade in my Hot Shot Sabre Six for a Hot Shot Sabre 5000. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: heloo Date: Wed, 21 Sep 2005 01:24:58 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@gmail.com) wrote: > > its been a few months sice the accidnet and thy lety me havt > my laptopp.. too many post toread what color is kibo hair/ > haha > > i los some finger ny nose burtned off faceprety bad.. skin grat > it hurt a bitck. can clik for my med goo stuff...tey hav take legs > stil got my dick haha wana guck? > > mis yu all Uh oh. Is this that "Star Trek" episode where the space probe keeps mentioning "the accident" and then Spock mind-melds with it and learns it's a hybrid created when Karlo X collided with Lowercase TJ Frazir? Or did you just get the _real_ medication instead of the stuff I've they sell at Walgreen's? (Yesterday I took two whole teaspoons of Delsym! Now I'd better skip a day.) If you're in the Boston area, let me know what hospital, asylum, or carnival you're in, and I'll come visit. I'll bring you a jar of hair dye you can use the next time the plastic surgeon says "you should try to direct attention away from that skin graft" -- namely, you can throw the hair dye in his eyes. So what happened? Is your motorcycle okay? -- K. I'll donate you some blood if you promise not to tell the Red Cross. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News from Terri in NOLA Date: Wed, 21 Sep 2005 18:20:41 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > [...] FANOOP! New Improved Kontext-Away With Category 5 Action swoops down from the sky, bounces off the ground, wobbles through the poison ivy patch, and rips away everything but this! > Fish make fun of different things than kids do. PERKRUMP! Kontext-Away returns to its form-fitting protective parallel Universe until it's almost needed! > [...] Yes, but kids' jokes are funnier. Most jokes told by fish are just about how worms are dumb. Except in that one "SpongeBob SquarePants" episode where SpongeBob amuses all the fish by telling them jokes about how all squirrels are dumb and then some stuff happens. Someone should make an all-fish version of "The Aristocrats" so we can see whether guppies, angelfish, or sharks tell the funniest version. -- K. Worms suck! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: That judge's penis is in the news again Date: Wed, 21 Sep 2005 18:44:29 -0400 [www.abcnews.go.com] -> -> Jurors Will See Judge's Alleged Sex Toy -> -> Jury in Case Against Ex-Judge Accused of Exposing Himself in -> Court Will See His Alleged Sex Toy -> -> By Kelly Kurt -> The Associated Press -> -> [...] -> -> Prosecutors allege he masturbated with a penis pump under his -> robe while presiding over two murder trials and a civil trial -> in 2003. Thompson denies the allegations and said the penis -> pump seized in the case was a gag gift from a friend. -> -> Brewster argued that the state should be prevented from -> submitting the device as evidence, contending that not only -> did it not function but that it also was sawed in half while -> in the state's custody. That's why they sell so many of these things. Because none of them work, and therefore anyone who's dumb enough to pay $200 for one will then pay $200 for another one next week. -> Prosecutor Pattye High said an Oklahoma State Bureau of -> Investigation chemist followed procedure in sawing the pump in -> two to swab it for DNA evidence. McCall denied the defense -> request. Some people have really icky jobs. "Yesterday I had to saw a penis pump in half to look for judge jizz." Hey, what do they do in the case of a rape? Bring in Blackstone to saw the woman in half? -> The judge also refused a defense motion to prevent testimony -> from a courtroom reporter who said she discovered a different -> penis pump under the judge's bench in 2001. Was it smaller, or larger? If these things actually _did_ work, he'd presumably need to get a bigger one every few years. So, basically, if these things don't work, people have to buy them over and over because people are stupid, and if they do work, people have to buy them over and over to get different sizes. I think I'm going to go into the penis-pump business. I'll just need to buy a few parts first. What's the name of that company that makes all the paper-towel tubes? -> Brewster said there was no evidence to link the pump to his -> client, but High countered that the testimony would help show -> "this defendant committed the same crime over and over and -> over again." But then Count Korzybski testified that they couldn't be the _same_ crime if they weren't all committed in the same place at the same time. Read all about it in A.E. van Vogt's exciting novel, "THE PENIS PUMP OF NULL-A!" (You can now buy your own Penis Pump Of Null-A -- just call L. Ron Hubbard and ask for an "E-meter".) -> McCall took other issues raised by Thompson's team under -> advisement, including testimony from a woman who prosecutors -> said had a sexual relationship with Thompson and the admission -> of 180 hours of courtroom tapes they said contained the -> whooshing sound of the penis pump in use. -> -> Brewster said he hadn't received the tapes until Friday and -> had no time to have an expert evaluate them or verify certain -> "enhanced" portions provided by prosecutors. -> -> "If the jury is going to listen to these, they're going to -> need to listen to 180 hours," he also told the judge. Still, it would be easier than listening to the episode of Nancy Grace about it. Assuming she ever covers different topics on her legal show -- she seems to have done 378,914 episodes about how Natalee Holloway is STILL MISSING! Hey, CNN: Please inform your "talent" that any news story containing the word "still" is by definition NOT NEWS! I'd rather listen to 180 hours of computer-enhanced judicial penis-pump noises than even one minute of her voice. -> [...] -> -> If convicted, Thompson would face up to 10 years in prison and -> a $20,000 fine on each charge and would have to register as a -> sex offender upon his release. Heh-heh, they said "release". -- K. Coming soon, the sequel: "THE BALL GAG OF NULL-M!" It's the ball gag that allows you to say anything _except_ "Mmmm mmmm mmmm!"