From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri? Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 13:42:13 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@Gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Sometimes I think you are almost but not quite entirely unlike grape > > Kool-Aid. > > On a totally unrelated subject, the other day I was in a local mexican > market looking for some weird eats, and I ran across a package of Kool-Aid > like substance which was "Purple Flavor". > > I purchased one, hoping that in Mexico, Purple tastes like something other > than grape. I will mix up a batch today, and if it isnt' just another > boring old grape beverage, I will post an instant review. Be sure to post another review a day after you drink a quart of it because... well, you'll know why when it happens. (It's not just Skippy that can make green peanut butter!) Hey, Darla, what flavor of Kool-Aid am I? Can I be one of those ones with Pop Rocks built-in? Or maybe that flavor that they had to recall in the 1980s because it had too much hot pepper? -- K. I miss the 1980s. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri? Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 18:38:54 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, Darla, what flavor of Kool-Aid am I? ... > > You are the flavour of Kool-Aid that is ineffable, like the packet > that had probably been purchased sometime in the summer of 1958, that > I found stuck to the inside door of a pantry at my mother's house in > 1983. > > We mixed it up and drank some, because hey--- the 80s. Um, Darla -- that wasn't Kool-Aid, it was Electric Banana hair dye. > The flavour was definitely kiboesque. Not quite all there. Sometimes food that has almost no flavor can be a fascinating, subtle experience. However, food that has almost no flavor can be the worst thing in the world if it's a very subtle bad flavor. This is why curry is good. It has so much flavor that there's no risk of it being the sort of thing that has almost no bad flavor. -- K. Do they make hair dye in Crazy Curcuma? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri? Date: Wed, 21 Sep 2005 01:05:05 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > All telescopes I have been to have juggling balls and puzzles and > those twisted metal things that must be untangled, at the console. > > Apparently astronomers get bored when observing for 12 hours straight, > and everything is working fine and needs no intervention. Also, most astronomers have the brains of cats. That's why their heads are so small, unless, like Carl Sagan, they smoke lots of doobies. -- K. I suppose that makes using the blink comparator even trippier. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri? Date: Wed, 21 Sep 2005 01:51:03 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I suppose that makes using the blink comparator even trippier. > > blink comparators are cool co0l cool co0l cool co0l cool co0l cool > co0l cool co0l cool co0l cool co0l cool co0l cool co0l cool co0l. That's because you're a nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred nerd nred. DRAN YOU, YOU NRED! I think a good prank would be to project a Charlie Chaplin movie into some astronomer's blink comparator when he's really stoned and his eyes are all bloodshot and ready to explode if he blinks too much. Or you could just stick the classic 1954 "Atlas Of Human Anatomy: Face Cut-Away" ViewMaster reel into the blink comparator. Yes, fifty years ago they made ViewMaster reels showing people's faces being sliced off. This was during the heyday of ViewMaster snuff, before they figured out that Popeye reels sold better. One's on eBay right now. Go ahead and buy it just for your wacky astronomy prank: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=7351699483 Also, blink comparators aren't any good because they don't show black holes, zero-dimensional invisars, or any of the many objects receding from you at ten trillion times the speed of light. Those objects are receding from you because you're a nred, which is why they have such a massive nredshift! -- K. Also try putting a "Magic Eye" poster into it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri? Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 13:51:29 -0400 Kitty Davis (kitdavis@gmail.com) wrote: > > My hairdresser says he's incapable of plaiting, but he's the only one I've > found who doesn't drive me to try to correct their views on life, Big > Brother, Crystal Therapy, and the Da Vinci Code. What about the Bible Code? There are some crackpot things that cause people who believe them to _have_ to make everyone else around them believe them, and I've been button-holed by people who feel I'm not permitted to terminate the conversation until I'm won over to whatever the hell the stupid Bible Code is supposed to prove. Note: I am only mocking "the stupid Bible Code", not "The Stupid Bible code". If you get your hands on a copy of The Stupid Bible that the Vatican's been suppressing -- the one where Jesus throws a different cream pie on every page -- then you'll discover it's full of fun word-search puzzles, mazes, and wacky Fold-Ins. Of course, every Fold-In is something about a crucifix turning into "a crix", and I'm not sure but I think that's a rice cracker sold only at Save-A-Lot. That must mean something. I'VE GOT TO TELL EVERYONE THAT SOMETHING MUST MEAN SOMETHING!!! -- K. Aramchek and Albemuth must be involved! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: But what about toenail clippers? Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 13:53:10 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > > > > > What about the Dept of Homeland Security? > > > They WANT you to have knives. > > > > From what we've seen in New Orleans, guns appear to handy too. It's better to learn how to defend yourself without a weapon, so that you can manhandy people. > > > Go to http://www.dhs.gov/dhspublic/ and scroll down to the end of > > > "preparedness tip #16". > > > > It says: > > "30 Tips for Emergency Preparedness, National Preparedness Month 2005" > > but > > "Preparedness Tip #15" > > is the last one listed. > > DON'T BLAME ME BECAUSE YOUR KID BROTHER BUSTED YOUR TIME MACHINE, MORON!! > ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE FREAKING PSYCOPATHS THAT GOES AROUND THREATENING TO > BURN PEOPLE'S LAWNS OR SUMTHING??? 'COS IN THAT CASE, GET OFFA MY LAWN!! Here in the city we don't have lawns, so I never get to use my time machine or flamethrower. Well, actually, I do use the flamethrower, but only on the subway where that sort of stuff is legal. I mean, if you can pee all over the stairs, surely you can shoot clean, sanitizing flames, right? -- K. "BURN IT ALL! BURN DOWN HARRRRVARRRRRRRRRD!" I wonder whatever happened to her. And what color she's turned. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hooray for the common psychopath Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 14:07:06 -0400 [news.yahoo.com] -> -> "Wanted: psychopaths to make a killing in the markets". -> -> Such an advert will not be appearing in the world's newspapers any -> time soon, but it may have a ring of truth after research revealed -> the best wheeler-dealers could well be "functional psychopaths". Then why didn't I do better back when I played the market? Are you calling me non-functional? Hmm? You talkin' to me? -> A team of U.S. scientists has found the emotionally impaired are -> more willing to gamble for high stakes Well, duh. You could've gone to any casino to learn that people with withered heads love to play the sit-down slots. -> and that people with brain damage may make good financial decisions, ...which still doesn't excuse them being placed in charge of movie studios. Coming soon: "The Cat In The Hat II: Even More Shit!" -> the Times newspaper reported on Monday. -> -> In a study of investors' behaviour 41 people with normal IQs were -> asked to play a simple investment game. Fifteen of the group had -> suffered lesions on the areas of the brain that affect emotions. I'm better than them because my brain has volume, not area. I'm at least two-and-a-half-dimensional! -> The result was those with brain damage outperformed those without. -> -> The scientists found emotions led some of the group to avoid risks -> even when the potential benefits far outweighed the losses, a -> phenomenon known as myopic loss aversion. -> -> One of the researchers, Antione Bechara, an associate professor of -> neurology at the University of Iowa, said the best stock market -> investors might plausibly be called "functional psychopaths." So what's a non-functional psychopath? Someone who can't even figure out how to be a jerk? -- K. I like how the scientists of the world are interested in learning from psychopaths. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Deep breaths... Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 17:18:12 -0400 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > I suffered an asthma flare-up last month and my doctor put me on some new > medication to get it under control. Symbicort seems to be working quite > well but it gave me a persistent cough which I just can't seem to shake. To > monitor my progress, my doctor sent me for some blood tests and an ECG, > which I went for this morning. While in the waiting room at the lab, I was > obviously coughing up vital organs all over the place because some little > Polish man sitting beside me leaned over and asked "Are you sufferrink from > da tooboorkoolosees?" Well, don't keep us all in suspense. Are you suffering from the ol' tubababerculotizzle? I just got over the 48-hour virus which is going through the community of important people in the Boston area, so at the moment I talk exactly like Harvey Fierstein. Which is weird, because I don't find Homer Simpson attractive at all. -- K. He's no John Redcorn! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is math a real science? Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 21:52:41 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > sometimes if not all the time it is better that yyou understand what our > dong math on and if the math systeem is identical to the atulator. I have no clue what you're trying to communicate (assuming, of course, that you are.) So I attempted to translate your sentence into English via Google's new Automated Word Salad Decryptionoogle, and I got: (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) PENIS (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?) (?). That was no help whatsoever. I then called the team from "CSI" to do a forensic analysis of the word-like conglomeration of letters identified only as "atulator". They suggested it's a reference to the movie "Ator, The Barbarian" starring Miles O'Keefe in a skimpy loincloth. Or maybe "Ator, The Fighting Eagle". I forget which one of those is the one where the ending requires him to pull a complete aluminum-tubing-based hang glider out of his butt. So, all I know about your theory is that it's something about Miles O'Keefe's barbarian wang. But, of course, I have an open mind so I'm going to wait for you to explain the remainder of your theory of Miles O'Keefe's ding-a-ling before I say whether it's stupid. Is a hang glider involved? -- K. Can your next theory please involve Torgo, the Chicken Man Of Krankor, and John Banner? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I'm naked! Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 00:24:39 -0400 [www.9news.com] -> -> DENVER -- Police arrested a man who they say jumped out -> from behind a bush, shouted "I'm naked," and then chased -> two women down a street. When I read that sentence I thought "BRILLIANT! KAUFMANESQUE!" but then the next sentence told me the guy was _actually_ naked and I lost all appreciation for his bravura performance in the theatre of the absurd in my mind. I like the idea of a fully-clothed man trying to scare people by yelling "I'M NAKED!" It would be even funnier if the guy were wearing a T-shirt that said "SHIRT" and pants that said "PANTS" and a hat that had a neon sign saying "READ SHIRT FIRST". -- K. I wonder how fat he was? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm naked! Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 13:24:07 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I like the idea of a fully-clothed man trying to scare people > > by yelling "I'M NAKED!" It would be even funnier if the guy were > > wearing a T-shirt that said "SHIRT" and pants that said "PANTS" > > and a hat that had a neon sign saying "READ SHIRT FIRST". > > This is one of those things where they could not > bust you for the crime itself, but would have to > add some bullshit charge like disturbing the peace, > which I believe is best reserved for Katrina and > George Bush. But that's just me. On other planets > pehaps policemen would see the irony. I believe the bullshit charge you're looking for is "menacing". They could always fall back on "assault", too -- remember that in most places if you hit someone that's "battery" but if you just yell at someone that's "assault", even if no ass gets salted. I'd angle for "menacing", myself, because that would look much cooler on my Permanent Record. It would make people think I somehow got arrested for wearing red overalls with a slingshot in the back pocket and weird spirals on my elbows. My favorite "Dennis The Menace" cartoon is the one where Dad is saying into the phone, "Let me get this straight, Mr. Wilson -- you say Dennis broke your GARAGE?" because that one at least _implies_ that Dennis did something. Most of the others just have him watching TV while saying something about how Mom said not to watch too much TV. Also, the real reason Hank Ketcham tried to get the "Dysfunctional Family Circus" Web site shut down is that it was funnier than the real one. In the same way the "Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy: The Movie" DVD doesn't have any of the movie's trailers, because they didn't want to point out that the European trailer was fifty thousand times funnier than that dreary movie. -- K. P.S. I'm naked! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Disturbing commercial #20050920a. Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 00:54:15 -0400 EarthLink (an Internet connectivity provider) has a new commercial. Like all other commercials for all other Internet service providers, it consists of employees telling you how hard they're working to keep you from getting bad ol' viruses in your mailbox. But in this one, the philosophies they're expounding are of the form "I believe in eliminating viruses..." ...meanwhile, in the background, elves, ogres, wizards, and fairies are cavorting around the EarthLink office. That's right, EarthLink wants you to know their office is full of fairies. More to the point, for some reason, the commercial wants us to understand that anyone who believes EarthLink's staff could ever actually keep viruses out of your E-mail must also believe in fairies. -- K. I'm not sure about the precise genus and species of the various magyckal creatures gamboling in the background, but I suspect that EarthLink employs a few trolls. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hair color update #20050920a. Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 01:23:30 -0400 So my dark red, as good as a dye job as it was, eventually did fade. Last time I washed it, it came out nacarat -- a sort of corally pinkish-orange -- and so it had to go. Red good, orange good, pink very bad. I did a bleach cycle, which left me with pale orange-blond hair and a slightly less pale orange beard -- peach colors -- but that was okay because I wanted to do a bright orange (hadn't done orange in a while, and it's my favorite) so the light orange residue was no problem. I could cover it with any shade of orange. I decided to go with a fluorescent, sunny school bus yellow-orange. I did it with a jar of Manic Panic Electric Banana (a nuclear pale yellow) plus a squirt of Clairol Professional Jazzing Bold Gold and one drop of the redundantly-named Colorful Protein Color Filler #10 Red Red. (One drop of red is enough to give a whole jar of yellow a slight orange tint.) I love the slightly orange yellow, because it's incredibly luminous and yet you never see anyone else with this particular shade. (Manic Panic makes a shade like this -- Electric Sunshine -- but I've never been able to find a store that carries it. It must be their worst-selling color.) When I get tired of the school bus hair, next up will be a fluorescent flame orange, which will be perfect for Halloween. Then, after that, anything goes! Except pink or green. -- K. If the #10 shade of the Colorful Filler Color With Filler is "Red Red", what's #11? "Red Red Red Red And A Half"? "Red Timesed By Infinity"? "So Much Red Dye It Looks Solid Black And Poisons You Through Your Skull"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pirate Chic Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 01:36:17 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > A recent eye exam revealed that Anna cannot really see out of her left > eye. Apparently, she has been getting by with one eye, since she > hasn't been complaining about not being able to see the white board at > school and finished the latest Harry Potter in record time. > Unfortunately, this has resulted in her left eye becoming lazy as well > as incompetent. SUE HARRY POTTER! > The eye doctor was obviously foreign as he objected to lazy incompetence > and declared that she must wear an eye patch several hours per day. > Anna is in fifth grade and not very excited about the prospect of > wearing glasses full time and an eye patch part time, so even though > she only has to wear it while at home for now (the doctor may hate > lazy eyes, but he obviously has compassion when it comes to preteen > angst), we decided to make it more fun as well as more comfortable. > After a trip to the fabric store and a night of designing and sewing, > Anna is sporting a lavender leopard print eye patch. AAARRR! > Fashion forward, maties! Hey Paula, I tried to mail you this, but your EarthLink E-mail address seems to no longer work -- possibly due to a hobbit or Ewok -- so I'm posting it here instead. Re the lavender eyepatch: Cool! If she eventually has to go out in it, you should make her several different styles so she can wear different ones on different days. When dealing with the other kids, that would help a lot in terms of giving her more ownership of her identity (i.e. she'd no longer be the girl who wears an eyepatch, she'd be the girl who chooses her eyepatches. In other words, if it changes from time to time, it becomes a fashion statement.) Just don't get her one with a snow globe in it like the kid in "The World According To Garp". Though you could buy her a glass eye (eBay has lots of them) so that she could pull wacky pranks when people ask her about the patch. And she could do jokes about "He tried to catch my eye but it fell behind the sofa..." They also make egg-shaped opaque sticky bandages ("Opticlude" is one brand) designed to cover a kid's eye -- those are more comfortable 'cause there's no elastic, but I think they make people look creepy because it gives them a blank flesh-colored spot where their eye is supposed to be. They sell them in drugstores. There was once a series of "Peanuts" strips where one of the kids (Sally, maybe?) had to deal with wearing an eye patch for a while, some time in the 1970s. But I don't remember any of the jokes except that Schulz really loved having little kids say "amblyopia" or whatever the word is. The punchlines were probably something like "Amblyopia means never having to say you're cross-eyed!" or "Rod McKuen couldn't draw a good cow leg even if he had double amblyopia!" or "AUGH! *WUMP* I hate that eye-eating tree!" -- K. Please write some "Peanuts" fanfic about how Charlie Brown's baldness was caused by Superboy when he was practicing to do the same to Lex Luthor. Thank you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pirate Chic Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 13:08:27 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > I'm sure she would feel much better if everyone was pointing and > > laughing at her magenta hair instead of her eye patch. > > If only she were in high school, she could have the hair AND the eye patch > and be Queen of the Kool Rebels Table. High school is like training wheels for cool, because there you can be cool by just being super-good-looking, which is so much easier than actually being cool. Does Anna know that they sell camouflage clothing in shades of pink now? Unfortunately, nobody does lavender yet, but still, if she had a pink camo t-shirt and the magenta hair and the lavender eyepatch she'd be cool even if she didn't have a gun! -- K. I think they do make lavender guns just for girls. They make glue guns in girl versions (smaller than the mens', in pastel colors) so obviously they must make other types of girl guns. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pirate Chic Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 13:42:59 -0400 I just wrote: > > Does Anna know that they sell camouflage clothing in shades of pink now? > Unfortunately, nobody does lavender yet, but still, if she had a pink > camo t-shirt and the magenta hair and the lavender eyepatch she'd be > cool even if she didn't have a gun! For the first time, I was wrong. They do sell camouflage clothing in every shade of purple. This eBay search will find a bunch: (lavender,purple,violet,ultraviolet) camo* I really should check my facts before posting so that I won't have to kill everyone. I particularly like this eBay item: -> Purple Violet Camo Army Issue Cargo BDU Pants XL-R NWT! ...because it proves my theory that the Army is secretly outfitting all our soldiers with purple camouflage in preparation for invading the nightclub from "The Nutty Professor" to take down Jerry Lewis. Scientists are still trying to determine how the Northwest Territories are involved in this conspiracy. They must be, because every eBay auction says "NWT!" except for the ones which say "LQQK!" -- K. While searching for Hameenlinna Hockey Playing Knights (HPK) logos once, it took me forever to figure out that "HPK" was eBay-speak for "hot pink". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pirate Chic Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 13:04:29 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Kitty Davis (kitdavis@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Let her dye her hair!!! Weird, kewl colours!!! Then, instead of > > being the kid with the eye patch, she'd be the kid with the > > dyed hair. Yes! It would work!! > > I'm sure she would feel much better if everyone was pointing and > laughing at her magenta hair instead of her eye patch. But then to prevent that she could just wear a wig to hide her magenta hair so nobody would be laughing at her. What's the problem? > > The other option is to get the flesh coloured ones Kibo suggested, > > and draw a big X on it, a la South Park. But her initial's not X. You want Anna to be running around with a big A showing? Then that's gonna get her beaten up by Nathaniel Hawthorne, and it would be the most boring fight ever. -- K. So have you helped her pick out a Halloween costume yet? I just saw a lopsided, gray-skinned Monica Lewinsky mask on eBay for five bucks. It looked sort of like if Solomon Grundy had scary teeth. By the way, who was Monica Lewinsky? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pirate Chic Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 12:57:08 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Please write some "Peanuts" fanfic about how Charlie Brown's > > baldness was caused by Superboy when he was practicing to do > > the same to Lex Luthor. Thank you. > > I don't do Peanuts or fanfic. I did talk to a kid who was wearing > Charlie Brown's shirt, complete with the zig zaggy thing on it. But > his grandma just died in front of his eyes, so it wouldn't have been > nice to refuse to talk to him just because he reminded me of Peanuts. Worst "Peanuts" special ever: "Your Grandma's Dead, Charlie Brown, And I Refuse To Talk To You Because You Wear A Stupid Shirt That Reminds Me Of You." Then Lucy has hired goons throw him out of her five-cent psychiatrist office. The goons cost two cents each so she still makes a profit. It was one of those "Peanuts" "specials" you could only get by paying $19.99 for the videotape at a gas station on Christmas day. It came with an anti-coupon that increased the price of Dolly Madison Zingers. And they found a way to make the old Dolly Madison logo even creepier. Like, she had a Mohawk or something. > I even refrained from pulling a football out before he kicked it so he > would fall on his ass and his head and his ass and his head. I always wondered why Lucy didn't do that to him right in front of the kite-eating tree so that he'd sail into it and get digested. That would be even more cruel, and therefore funnier, because "Peanuts" was a celebration of bad emotions. Spock wouldn't get it, but he also wouldn't get the comics which contain only good emotions, like "Love Is..." Come to think of it, I don't get "Love Is..." so I guess that makes me bad. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go design a robotic machine capable of pulling over 50,000 footballs away from children in one second. -- K. I keep thinking there should be a "Star Trek" episode where Kirk draws a zigzag on his yellow shirt just to hurt Spock's feelings by rubbing it in that Spock doesn't have feelings. Then Spock would cry and then he'd tell us that Vulcans have no feelings and never lie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pirate Chic Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 13:14:28 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > My dog is freaking out over thunder storms tonight. And I do mean > freaking out. I am so glad I don't live in an area where they are > common. In the meantime, I need drugs. Whether for her or for me, > I don't much care, as long as one of us is completely sedated. It's just electricity. Remember, as Thomas Edison proved by inventing the electric chair, only Nikola Tesla's Westinghouse brand alternating current can kill people. Lightning bolts are pure, sparkling clean Edison brand direct current, like the type that runs your flashlight only more. Imagine a cop carrying a black aluminum Mag-Lite with five thousand D cells in it. He couldn't hurt you with that, right? -- K. You want to learn to not be afraid of lightning, move into my neighborhood. You'll get hit so often it'll become dull. Zap, ho-hum, zap. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pirate Chic Date: Wed, 21 Sep 2005 01:10:51 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Imagine a cop carrying a black aluminum Mag-Lite with > > five thousand D cells in it. > > OK, I just want to point out that a D cell is 58mm long and > weighs 135g. So, a Mag-Lite with 5000 D cells would be 290M > long and weigh 675Kg. I would say that a cop capable of lifting > said Mag-Lite and beating you senseless with it would be more > than capable of hurting you even without the phal^H^H^H^Hflashlight. Dude, you already mailed me that. And I already replied, so now I have to write this again just so everyone else can see how clueless you are. In the Mag-Lite 5000, the cells are in a three-dimensional face-centered hexagonal-close-pack array. Most of the power from this compact ball of batteries is used to power the anti-gravity flanges in the flashlight's hull, making it light as a feather. Don't you ever get tired of being wrong? -- K. I should trade in my Hot Shot Sabre Six for a Hot Shot Sabre 5000. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: heloo Date: Wed, 21 Sep 2005 01:24:58 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@gmail.com) wrote: > > its been a few months sice the accidnet and thy lety me havt > my laptopp.. too many post toread what color is kibo hair/ > haha > > i los some finger ny nose burtned off faceprety bad.. skin grat > it hurt a bitck. can clik for my med goo stuff...tey hav take legs > stil got my dick haha wana guck? > > mis yu all Uh oh. Is this that "Star Trek" episode where the space probe keeps mentioning "the accident" and then Spock mind-melds with it and learns it's a hybrid created when Karlo X collided with Lowercase TJ Frazir? Or did you just get the _real_ medication instead of the stuff I've they sell at Walgreen's? (Yesterday I took two whole teaspoons of Delsym! Now I'd better skip a day.) If you're in the Boston area, let me know what hospital, asylum, or carnival you're in, and I'll come visit. I'll bring you a jar of hair dye you can use the next time the plastic surgeon says "you should try to direct attention away from that skin graft" -- namely, you can throw the hair dye in his eyes. So what happened? Is your motorcycle okay? -- K. I'll donate you some blood if you promise not to tell the Red Cross. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News from Terri in NOLA Date: Wed, 21 Sep 2005 18:20:41 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > [...] FANOOP! New Improved Kontext-Away With Category 5 Action swoops down from the sky, bounces off the ground, wobbles through the poison ivy patch, and rips away everything but this! > Fish make fun of different things than kids do. PERKRUMP! Kontext-Away returns to its form-fitting protective parallel Universe until it's almost needed! > [...] Yes, but kids' jokes are funnier. Most jokes told by fish are just about how worms are dumb. Except in that one "SpongeBob SquarePants" episode where SpongeBob amuses all the fish by telling them jokes about how all squirrels are dumb and then some stuff happens. Someone should make an all-fish version of "The Aristocrats" so we can see whether guppies, angelfish, or sharks tell the funniest version. -- K. Worms suck! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: That judge's penis is in the news again Date: Wed, 21 Sep 2005 18:44:29 -0400 [www.abcnews.go.com] -> -> Jurors Will See Judge's Alleged Sex Toy -> -> Jury in Case Against Ex-Judge Accused of Exposing Himself in -> Court Will See His Alleged Sex Toy -> -> By Kelly Kurt -> The Associated Press -> -> [...] -> -> Prosecutors allege he masturbated with a penis pump under his -> robe while presiding over two murder trials and a civil trial -> in 2003. Thompson denies the allegations and said the penis -> pump seized in the case was a gag gift from a friend. -> -> Brewster argued that the state should be prevented from -> submitting the device as evidence, contending that not only -> did it not function but that it also was sawed in half while -> in the state's custody. That's why they sell so many of these things. Because none of them work, and therefore anyone who's dumb enough to pay $200 for one will then pay $200 for another one next week. -> Prosecutor Pattye High said an Oklahoma State Bureau of -> Investigation chemist followed procedure in sawing the pump in -> two to swab it for DNA evidence. McCall denied the defense -> request. Some people have really icky jobs. "Yesterday I had to saw a penis pump in half to look for judge jizz." Hey, what do they do in the case of a rape? Bring in Blackstone to saw the woman in half? -> The judge also refused a defense motion to prevent testimony -> from a courtroom reporter who said she discovered a different -> penis pump under the judge's bench in 2001. Was it smaller, or larger? If these things actually _did_ work, he'd presumably need to get a bigger one every few years. So, basically, if these things don't work, people have to buy them over and over because people are stupid, and if they do work, people have to buy them over and over to get different sizes. I think I'm going to go into the penis-pump business. I'll just need to buy a few parts first. What's the name of that company that makes all the paper-towel tubes? -> Brewster said there was no evidence to link the pump to his -> client, but High countered that the testimony would help show -> "this defendant committed the same crime over and over and -> over again." But then Count Korzybski testified that they couldn't be the _same_ crime if they weren't all committed in the same place at the same time. Read all about it in A.E. van Vogt's exciting novel, "THE PENIS PUMP OF NULL-A!" (You can now buy your own Penis Pump Of Null-A -- just call L. Ron Hubbard and ask for an "E-meter".) -> McCall took other issues raised by Thompson's team under -> advisement, including testimony from a woman who prosecutors -> said had a sexual relationship with Thompson and the admission -> of 180 hours of courtroom tapes they said contained the -> whooshing sound of the penis pump in use. -> -> Brewster said he hadn't received the tapes until Friday and -> had no time to have an expert evaluate them or verify certain -> "enhanced" portions provided by prosecutors. -> -> "If the jury is going to listen to these, they're going to -> need to listen to 180 hours," he also told the judge. Still, it would be easier than listening to the episode of Nancy Grace about it. Assuming she ever covers different topics on her legal show -- she seems to have done 378,914 episodes about how Natalee Holloway is STILL MISSING! Hey, CNN: Please inform your "talent" that any news story containing the word "still" is by definition NOT NEWS! I'd rather listen to 180 hours of computer-enhanced judicial penis-pump noises than even one minute of her voice. -> [...] -> -> If convicted, Thompson would face up to 10 years in prison and -> a $20,000 fine on each charge and would have to register as a -> sex offender upon his release. Heh-heh, they said "release". -- K. Coming soon, the sequel: "THE BALL GAG OF NULL-M!" It's the ball gag that allows you to say anything _except_ "Mmmm mmmm mmmm!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: That judge's penis is in the news again Date: Thu, 22 Sep 2005 14:36:39 -0400 [regarding A.E. van Vogt's null-A-topia] madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Coming soon, the sequel: "THE BALL GAG OF NULL-M!" > > It's the ball gag that allows you to say anything > > _except_ "Mmmm mmmm mmmm!" > > Didn't A E V V patent it as your SLINKY friend who cannot die? Okay, now you're being weird. There's no such thing as a Slinky Gag, which is a shame, because if there were, every time the person tried to say something their face would walk down a flight of stairs. That should exist because it's one of the only ways Andy Rooney could become the great comedian he thinks he is. "Did -- ow -- ow -- ow -- you -- ow -- ow -- ow -- ever -- ow -- ow -- ow -- notice -- ow -- ow -- ow -- stamps -- ow -- ow -- ow -- have -- ow -- ow -- ow -- too -- ow -- ow -- ow -- many -- ow -- ow -- ow -- perf -- ow -- ow -- ow -- or -- ow -- ow -- ow -- a -- ow ..." That was painful just to right, so it would be hilarious to actually do. MISTER ANDY ROONEY, ASK A.E. VAN VOGT TO SLINKY-GAG YOU NOW. -- K. Either that, or something involving R2-.45, especially if C3P0 pulls the trigger. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: abuse/corruption of Google's advertising, involving Internet posters Date: Thu, 22 Sep 2005 14:44:06 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Apparently the FBI is now the place to get a job surfing porn. > > [www.sfgate.com] > -> > -> Last month, the bureau's Washington Field Office began > -> recruiting for a new anti-obscenity squad. > > Especially if you have, ahem, specialized interests. People with an _unspecialized_ interest in porn are the dangerous ones. They just go into the store and yell "GIMME ONE OF EACH!" You see them all the time at Wal-Mart counting all the "National Geographic" magazines to make sure they haven't missed a single opportunity to leave a wet spot on any page. > -> "Based on a review of past successful cases," the memo said, > -> the best odds of conviction come with pornography that > -> "includes bestiality, urination, defecation, as well as > -> sadistic and masochistic behavior." Whew, they said "as well as" not "or". -- K. If only Jack Webb were alive to assist them from keeping anyone from ever again owning a thirty-five-cent dirty joke book. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Those 'medical miracle' infomercials. Date: Thu, 22 Sep 2005 14:57:39 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > [apparently directed at Barbara] > > > > Geezem whine, whine, whine. Such obsession over me isn't healthy. How > > about you go killfile me and save yourself a heart attack over the fact > > I have opinions and questions? > > [...] > > Oh, and I've got a little newsflash for you: Responding to occasional > posts you make is not an obsession. You still don't really get > Usenet, do you? You post something, and people respond if they have a > comment on it. Calm down, Barbara. All he did was call you a fag hag. These days that's hardly even an insult, what with TV executives having discovered that reruns of "Will & Grace" belong on the girl channel and not the gay channel. The women who are supposed to be watching Lifetime have a much greater need to see whats-his-name queening around that sitcom than whoever watches the three all-gay channels I can't even remember the names of. Either that, or they figured out that gay guys don't like TV shows that aren't funny. Anyway, Barbara, he's just doing one of those "I'm flirting with you by complaining about how uncomfortable your flirting is making me" things. Stop trying to de-cruit him if you don't want this to turn into one of those "Will & Grace" relationships which ends with them all dying in the last episode, assuming that's what happened on "Will & Grace", I dunno, I think "MythBusters" is funnier. -- K. It's certainly gayer. Did you see that episode where the mustache guy wore the pirate hat? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Those 'medical miracle' infomercials. Date: Sat, 24 Sep 2005 04:02:27 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Calm down, Barbara. All he [Lots42] did was call you a fag hag. > > I'm jumpy (and tasty) because I have a squad of anti-groupies. I'm sorry, I want a meal, not a snack. > They're like Metallica fans but instead of wanting to sex me, > they want to photoshop my head into insulting pictures. That would be a terrible insult to the other people in the picture. > I'd use the s-word to describe their behavior but they search > Usenet for it and I don't feel like poking their monkey asses > to get them to dance. It's okay. Just 'cause you're gay doesn't mean you have to spend all your time poking monkey asses. > > These days that's hardly even an insult, what with TV executives > > having discovered that reruns of "Will & Grace" belong on the girl > > channel and not the gay channel. > > [...] > > Well, they do tend to show a hell of a lot of Will naked. I imagine > that some straight females do enjoy ogling attractive males. Though, > personally, I don't see the appeal. So you like ugly guys? Whew. I'm so glad I'm not your type. > [...] > > I GOTS me wimmens to flirt with. Sure, they'll let you flirt with them if you keep them chained up down there, but that's cheating. You should be using your basement for something society doesn't disapprove of, like a home theater showing "American Idol" re-runs. Everyone loves "American Idol"! I KNOW IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE TV KEEPS IMPLYING IT! > > Stop trying to de-cruit him if you don't want this to turn > > into one of those "Will & Grace" relationships which ends with them > > all dying in the last episode, assuming that's what happened on > > "Will & Grace", I dunno, I think "MythBusters" is funnier. > > They all supposedly died? > > Did Karen cause it? I can tell you really need to know. Say "puh-leeze". -- K. You know what we should do? Get the TV executives to give Harvey Fierstein a video camera and a timeslot. That show would be really good and the best part is that women would hate it. Unless any of them are turned on by men who talk like Vo-Dar The Gravellord Of Flemm. Plus then that would be an excuse to get Jon Lovitz a sketch comedy show. Is that so wrong? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Those 'medical miracle' infomercials. Date: Sat, 24 Sep 2005 06:47:09 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You know what we should do? Get the TV executives to give > > Harvey Fierstein a video camera and a timeslot. That show would > > be really good and the best part is that women would hate it. > > Unless any of them are turned on by men who talk like > > Vo-Dar The Gravellord Of Flemm. > > Everyone is turned on by Fierstein's voice. Those who disagree are LYING So, Lots, are you turned on by Fierstein's voice? Remember, if you lie, your nose grows a foot with toenail fungus, or turns into a pumpkin filled with pumpkin boogers, or something. And is the guy who played the sports guy on "Frasier" more sexy or less sexy than Harvey Fierstein? What if the sports guy from "Frasier" was wearing chaps and Harvey Fierstein was in a tiny Speedo? What if the sports guy from "Frasier" was the first guy on the Moon but Harvey Fierstein blew up the Moon? Harvey Fierstein in drag or the sports guy inside a gooey pink birthday cake? Sports guy with elephantisis or Harvey Fierstein with leprosy? Anyway, if you prefer the Harvey Fierstein type, I too can talk like Vo-Dar The Gravellord Of Flem, but only after midnight, and STOP HITTING ON ME. I prefer real men, preferably with real pirate hats. What celebrity voice turns me on? I dunno. Christopher Lee? Except in that movie where he played the rapping leatherman. Plus he's kind of old for me, though he did some nice triple backflips when he was beating up Yoda, and plus, he was beating up Yoda. I think we can both agree: YODA SEXY VOICE HAS NOT. -- K. Vo-Dar crush Yoda! Arrrr! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Those 'medical miracle' infomercials. Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 17:08:33 -0400 John Schmidt (js@radix.net) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Dude, give up the pirate hat thing already. I told you, I gave it away > > to an older man. > > But what did you do with the pirate hat? He might be too embarrassed about his OBVIOUS PERVERSION to answer your rudely simple question. I suggest you test him in a more roundabout manner. For instance, "Hey, Lots, which candy would you like? Here's a Sugar Daddy... and here's a Salted Nut Roll." Then wait for him to put one in his mouth. By the way, I gifted the very last Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Candy Tongue to a friend of a friend yesterday. She graciously accepted the deadly several-year-old candy and now it's undoubtedly in some vault somewhere. -- K. And here's a Squirrel Nut Zipper. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Those 'medical miracle' infomercials. Date: Tue, 27 Sep 2005 13:57:57 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote > > > > For instance, "Hey, Lots, which candy would you like? Here's a > > Sugar Daddy... and here's a Salted Nut Roll." > > > > [...] > > > > And here's a Squirrel Nut Zipper. > > Reads like sex 'n candy! Yes. I wrote it on purpose. > * Tootsie Pops/Rolls (shemales) > * Pop Rocks (older men) > * Sugar Babies (they are all virgins under 18, I SWEAR) > * Baby Ruth (kiddie pr0n) > * Almond Joy (blacks on your wife) > * Candy Corn (even cowgirls get the blues) > * Twinkies (flaming) > * Necco Wafers (because 5% of the population is asexual) Dear Dirty Jerry Seinfeld, I think asexuals prefer durians, because _nobody_ likes Necco Wafers. Except maybe the rarely-seen rolls of all-brown ones, and those would be a different chapter in Kraft-Ebbing, possibly ghost-written by Wernher Erhard. ("You will not be allowed to go to the bathroom until you have completely digested all these indigestible brown plastic poker chips!") And then his car gets stolen and Robin Williams says his car was just a concept and then he says "EARTH CONCEPTUAL HUMOR, AHR AHR!" because this was back in the days when you could get away with making fun of Wernher Erhard on "Mork & Mindy" whereas now jokes about Wenher Erhard are relegated to _stupid_ shows. I miss the days when every sitcom featured a space alien, a ghost, a talking chimp, and/or Siamese twins. Now they just have people with expensive haircuts. Can we at least have one sitcom where a guy has ratty hair? -- K. ("One's a Hell's Angel! One's the Pope! Together, they solve crimes, and create mirth wherever they go! Tune in tonight for 'POPE IN A SIDECAR!'") ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Those 'medical miracle' infomercials. Date: Sat, 24 Sep 2005 03:49:24 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Calm down, Barbara. All he did was call you a fag hag. > > > > These days that's hardly even an insult, what with TV executives > > having discovered that reruns of "Will & Grace" belong on the girl > > channel and not the gay channel. The women who are supposed to be > > watching Lifetime have a much greater need to see whats-his-name > > queening around that sitcom than whoever watches the three all-gay > > channels I can't even remember the names of. Either that, or they > > figured out that gay guys don't like TV shows that aren't funny. > > Nothing that I read about "Will & Grace" made it sound at all funny, > so I never bothered to watch it. Does that make me a gay guy instead > of a fag hag, or does it must make me smart and sensible? "Not with THOSE shoes, dearie!" I have never been tried to watch "Will & Grace" either because all the commercials make it clear that the reason the show is supposed to be funny is that it has a guy on it playing GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY in THAAAAT WAAAAY (and with THOSE SHOES! and THAT FABULOUS WINDOW TREATMENT!) While I understand that there are lots of flouncy, queeny twinks out there, I also understand that the fact that some black people enjoy watermelon doesn't make "Amos & Andy" funny. I've said it before -- the four stages of acceptance of ethnic groups or subcultures in popular entertainment are: 1. Group X is completely absent from the world. 2. Group X is allowed to show up, but only as criminals. 3. Group X is allowed to be portrayed positively, but they can only do the things the Man thinks Group X is good at. 4. Acceptance. Stage 3, for the black folks, was where they could only be in movies if they sang and danced because them darkies got rhythm. They're _almost_ getting to stage 4 (still way too much racism in Hollywood.) Gay people are just entering stage 3, where there's never "a regular guy who happens to be gay" on TV, just "a gay guy who talks about chiffon curtains and designer shoes constantly". In the world of light entertainment, all gay guys are the same comfortable, easy-to- understand sissy stereotype, 'cause the Velvet Mafia isn't doing their job. (Maybe they're too busy talking about Judy Garland's hair.) Anyway, in general, sitcoms ain't funny. I mean, laugh tracks exist for a reason. Would you think a drama were any good if it kept being interrupted by recordings of dead people yelling "THAT'S HIGHLY DRAMATIC!"? Sitcoms suck. Jokes suck. Comedy sucks. The only things that are truly funny are things that aren't funny for any reason that can be comprehended by the human brain. Like, fried pickles are funny. But network executives can't figure that out, otherwise they'd replace the laugh track with a voice shouting "WHO WANTS FRIED PICKLES?" "The Simpsons" once featured fried pickles. "The Simpsons" has no laugh track. I rest my case. "An executive once said to me, 'When you take a comedy and remove the humor, what remains should still be funny.'" --Al Jean Although, "The Simpsons" has too many gay people on it. They're better- than-average gay characters (because "The Simpsons" is such a well- written show) but I think all the characters have gone gay except Grandpa and Itchy. They're definitely gayer than the Flintstones, where only three of them were gay before they added Gazoo. > > Anyway, Barbara, he's just doing one of those "I'm flirting with you > > by complaining about how uncomfortable your flirting is making me" > > things. > > D'oh! It's been so long since grade school that I forgot how little > boys who are just becoming aware of their sexuality show that they > have a crush on a girl. > > I guess I'll go rinse the ink out of my ponytail now. Serves you right for wearing your hair in a ponytail. To a little kid with an old-time inkwell, a ponytail is the equivalent of a grown-up wearing a "RAPE ME" hairdo. You should go to your favorite hair stylist (whether or not they're the same stereotype as the guy on "Will & Grace") and ask for a grown-up hairdo, and be sure to specify you don't want a "RAPE ME". -- K. So when DO we get the TV show about a team of five black guys who drive around teaching white guys how to have rhythm? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Firemen at my building for the 39,275,128,912,016th time. Date: Sat, 24 Sep 2005 03:16:34 -0400 I just got home from clubbing (2:45am.) Just as I was arriving, a fire truck pulled up with its lights flashing, and two firemen (in full turnout gear) entered the building at a leisurely enough pace for me to slip in between them. Turns out the firemen (and a TV news cameraman!) were in my building because someone was trapped in one of the elevators. In other words, they let me get into one of the other elevators, it went up to my floor, and 1/10 of a second before the door opened the firemen called it back to the lobby to keep anyone from using it, then I had to walk up seven flights. The news cameraman kept his camera pointed squarely at the closed elevator door during both of the times I walked right past him, so there's no chance of you seeing me on the URGENT ELEVATOR MAINTENANCE UPDATE!!! on the 3am newscast. LIVE AND REMOTE! ELEVATOR NOT WORKING! AND COMING UP LATER, THE ESCALATOR WITH THE HANDRAIL MOVING SLIGHTLY OUT OF SYNC WITH THE STEPS! And how do I feel about walking up all those stairs at 3am after a very long day? DEAR EVERYTHING, YOU SUCK. THIS NOTE MAY BE REPEATED IN THE FUTURE ANY TIME ANY SUBSET OF "EVERYTHING" MAY OR MAY NOT SUCK. THANK YOU. I'm going to mail that to the Department Of Everything. -- K. Please note: For purposes of clarity, I am not a part of "everything". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Firemen at my building for the 39,275,128,912,016th time. Date: Sat, 24 Sep 2005 06:06:07 -0400 Kitty Davis (kitdavis@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just got home from clubbing (2:45am.) > > You have baby seals in Boston? No, cave-women. I keep thinking that cave-women should have shaved their heads if they didn't want to be dragged off to some brute's cave just like in all those factually-accurate 1950's men's magazine cartoons that filled up the spaces between the real porn. > [...] > > So, did the people inside the elevator get to watch all this on TV while > they sent vidphone final messages to their loved ones? I dunno. I duncare. Weren't me. The important thing is that I was mildly inconvenienced. Why couldn't the bozo get stuck in the elevator earlier in the day? > Kibo, I think those firemen like you. I mean, how many visits to your > building in exciting RED clothes with FLASHING LIGHTS does it take to get > a date in those parts? I know better than to hit on anyone carrying a crash axe. They had those real big ones with the scythe-shaped heads, and they were made from boring gray metal, not the cool bronze non-sparking kind. Also their turnout coats weren't real clean. Don't firemen ever shower with their heavy rubber coats on like in all those videos which may or may not exist, and if they don't exist, why isn't Scott Thompson filming some? -- K. And how many centuries has it been since firemen wore red? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The funniest compound word in the universe Date: Sat, 24 Sep 2005 04:16:56 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Every Friday, I volunteer in Mimi's second grade classroom. [...] > > Today's game was Compound Words. The teacher had written words on > cards and then laminated them. You set them out like your basic > memory game and then turn over two at a time and see if you can make a > compound word out of them. And, no, bluehead is not a word. It's a type of fish. I'm sure you could look it up in Wikipedia even though I just guessed that, 'cause Wikipedia has an article for everything. HOLY SHIT WIKIPEDIA DOESN'T HAVE AN ARTICLE FOR "BLUEHEAD"! THAT WAS THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER TRIED LOOKING UP IN WIKIPEDIA AND NOW I'M SO DISILLUSIONED I'M NOT GOING TO LOOK ANYTHING ELSE UP EITHER! They do have some other article which cites a paper about those special little bluehead fishies, so obviously I'm not insane if Wikipedia is accurate: -> Wooninck. L., J. E. Strassmann, R. Fleischer, and L. L. Warner, -> "Characterization of microsatellite loci in a pelagic spawner: -> the bluehead wrasse, Thalassoma bifasciatum," Molecular Ecology, -> 7 (1998), 1613-1614. I don't know what half those words mean unless it's a retelling of that Douglas Adams story about the tiny space fleet that gets swallowed by some weirdly-colored fish that may or may not fit in your ear. Anyway, you need to apologize to the kids for giving them incorrect guidance about whether fish are real. By teaching these kids that blueheads are imaginary, you may cause them to starve to death if they're ever stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of a lake where they only have blueheads. > At one point, I had a group of four ADHD type boys in my group. At > one point, the words under and wear were turned over by a particularly > rambunctious boy who then proceeded to wave the words around and put > them on the back of his head and try to get everyone else to giggle as > gleefully as he was about having made the word underwear. "Look! I > have underwear! I have underwear on my head!" And the sad thing is that I do often wear a pair of 3x5 cards with "UNDER" and "WEAR" written on them inside my trousers. > When I'd had enough, I turned to the boy and said, "I'm glad you have > underwear, Samuel, but do I need to call your mom and tell her that > you were showing everyone in the class your underwear?" Hey, if you > can't beat 'em, join em. > > Mimi tells me that I was voted the funniest mom by her class at lunch > today. Funny ha-ha, or funny the other one? I'm the third one. -- K. And earlier this summer, I was a bluehead. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Why we fight. Date: Sat, 24 Sep 2005 05:59:15 -0400 [www.eastbayexpress.com] -> -> War Pornography -> -> US soldiers trade grisly photos of dead and mutilated Iraqis -> for access to amateur porn. The press is strangely silent. -> -> By Chris Thompson -> -> If you want to see the true face of war, go to the amateur -> porn Web site NowThatsFuckedUp.com. For almost a year, -> American soldiers stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan have been -> taking photographs of dead bodies, many of them horribly -> mutilated or blown to pieces, and sending them to Web site -> administrator Chris Wilson. In return for letting him post -> these images, Wilson gives the soldiers free access to his -> site. American soldiers have been using the pictures of -> disfigured Iraqi corpses as currency to buy pornography. These people are obviously mentally imbalanced -- people who kill for a living don't need porn, because if they're healthy, they should automatically have an orgasm whenever they shoot someone in the face. Only a crazy person would want to look at naked people after making dead people. I would go check out that site, but I'm afraid I might see porn. -> At Wilson's Web site, you can see an Arab man's face sliced -> off and placed in a bowl filled with blood. Another man's -> head, his face crusted with dried blood and powder burns, lies -> on a bed of gravel. A man in a leather coat who apparently -> tried to run a military checkpoint lies slumped in the -> driver's seat of a car, his head obliterated by gunfire, the -> flaps of skin from his neck blooming open like rose petals. "NO BROWN LEATHER!!!" -> Six men in beige fatigues, identified as US Marines, laugh and -> smile for the camera while pointing at a burned, -> charcoal-black corpse lying at their feet. "Haw haw, he's black, this is almost as funny as Spike Lee's 'Bamboozled'!" -> The captions that accompany these images, which were -> apparently written by the soldiers who posted them, laugh and -> gloat over the bodies. The soldier who posted a picture of a -> corpse lying in a pool of his own brains and entrails wrote, -> "What every Iraqi should look like." The photograph of a -> corpse whose jaw has apparently rotted away, leaving a gaping -> set of upper teeth, bears the caption "bad day for this dude." -> One soldier posted three photographs of corpses lying in the -> street and titled his collection "DIE HAJI DIE." The soldiers -> take pride, even joy, in displaying the dead. At least we know the Army's teaching them to spell. -> This could become a public-relations catastrophe. [...] -> The legal fight over whether to release the remaining -> photographs of atrocities at Abu Ghraib has dragged on for -> months, [...] But none of these can compare to the prospect -> of American troops casually bartering pictures of suffering -> and death for porn. And also, the Abu Ghraib situation's been resolved. Alleged comedian Colin Quinn told Conan O'Brien nobody was tortured at Abu Ghraib because "to torture someone you have to touch them," and apparently those corpses in the photos got beaten bloody through telekinesis. Man, I wish I had telekinesis. It would make getting a seat on the subway even easier, especially if it was the sort of telekinesis that could also make Colin Quinn fall off the face of the Earth. -> "Two years ago, if somebody had said our soldiers would do -> these things to detainees and take pictures of it, I would -> have said that's a lie," sighed recently retired General -> Michael Marchand, who as assistant judge advocate general for -> the Army was responsible for reforming military training -> policy to make sure nothing like Abu Ghraib ever happens -> again. "What soldiers do, I'm not sure I can guess anymore." SOLDIERS KILLING PEOPLE? SOLDIERS BRING PROUD OF KILLING PEOPLE? WHO COULD EVER HAVE GUESSED? "We ordered our soldiers to go to Iraq and hand out milk and cookies, but apparently a few bad apples didn't listen..." -> But for Chris Wilson, it's all in a day's work. "It's an -> unedited look at the war from their point of view," he says of -> the soldiers who contribute the images. "There's always going -> to be a slant from the news media. ... And this is a photo -> that comes straight from their camera to the site. To me, it's -> just a more real look at what's going on." "It's at least as real as most porn! Now excuse me, I have to go write a story about my thirteen-inch penis." -> Wilson, a 27-year-old Web entrepreneur (remember when the word used to be "unemployed dork"?) -> living in Florida, created the Web site a year ago, asked -> fans to contribute pictures of their wives and girlfriends, -> and posted footage and photographs bearing titles such as -> "wife working cock" and "ass fucking my wife on the stairs." Such charming gentlemen! I just hope they didn't wrinkle the creases in their tuxedos' cummerbunds while posing these "HEY LOOK AT HOW BADLY I TREAT MY WIFE" photos. -> The site was a big hit with soldiers stationed overseas; -> about a third of his customers, or more than fifty thousand -> people, work in the military. Wilson says soldiers began -> e-mailing him, thanking him for keeping up their morale and -> "bringing a little piece of the States to them." But other -> soldiers complained that they had problems buying memberships -> to his service. "They wanted to join the site, the amateur wife -> and girlfriend site," he says. "But they couldn't, because the -> addresses associated with their credit cards were Quackistan -> or something; they were in such a high-risk country that the -> credit card companies wouldn't approve the purchase." However, there is NO credit-card fraud in the Web porn industry outside Quackistan. Remember, whenever you sign up to pay for porn, be sure to give the company all your credit card numbers for safekeeping because you'll likely forget them if you're too stupid to find any FREE PORN on the Internet. I put "FREE PORN" in capitals so that then I could say why I put "FREE PORN" in capitals because now this article will get lots of Google hits because it says "FREE PORN" four times. -> [...] -> -> Wilson's Web site has made the news before - but not for -> posting pictures of murdered people. Last October, the New -> York Post reported that the Pentagon was investigating him for -> posting naked pictures of female soldiers in Iraq. [...] -> Even after he began posting photographs of corpses late last -> year, media inquiries focused exclusively on his nudie pics. -> It wasn't until reporters from the European press contacted -> him last week that anyone took notice of Wilson's snuff-for-porn -> arrangement with American troops. That's because American reporters never even try to look for porn, or for snuff, or for snuff-for-porn. They're too busy looking for Natalee Holloway. Oh, how I wish that in two weeks anyone who sees this in the archive could say "Natalee who?" But I'm sure CNN will still be doing their daily story on how she's still missing because after all we all have to make our plans for the weekend based on whether or not we know where the bimbo's corpse is. -> [...] -> -> Representatives from Amnesty International and Human Rights -> First even refused to comment, although both organizations -> ostensibly exist to condemn just this kind of practice. I think they ostensibly exist to condemn several other kinds of practice as well, not just whether or not some sleazo is making money selling porn teased with a bait-and-switch made from photos of dead people. -> Perhaps no one wants to give Chris Wilson more publicity, or -> daily editors are too sensitive about being viewed as -> unpatriotic. Or perhaps the story is just too ugly to -> contemplate. If news is not allowed to contain ugliness, someone should tell my local TV newspeople, especially that one with the big hair from a decade before bleaching technology was perfected. -> Americans have thousands of media outlets to choose from. But -> they still have to visit a porn site to see what this war has -> done to the bodies of the dead and the souls of the living. -> One of the pictures on Wilson's site depicts a woman whose -> right leg has been torn off by a land mine, and a medical -> worker is holding the mangled stump up to the camera. The -> woman's vagina is visible under the hem of her skirt. The -> caption for this picture reads: "Nice puss -- bad foot." Coming next war: Buried land mines containing tiny cameras that automatically post to all "upskirt shots" sites. -> We have decided to make available some of the photos -> originally posted on NowThatsFuckedUp.com, along with the -> soldiers' original subject headings. This decision was not -> made lightly, but we concluded that the graphic nature of the -> photos, juxtaposed with their flippant treatment by members of -> the US military, is newsworthy. WARNING: These are brutally -> graphic war images that many readers will find disturbing. -> They should NOT be viewed by children or the faint of heart. -> That said, you may find them here. Click on the small photos -> to view the larger photos with captions. "Remember, it's terrible that anyone other than us is attempting to get publicity from these INCREDIBLY GORY PHOTOS YOU GOTTA SEE!" In other news, thousands of fifteen-year-olds are smearing their giggling friends with ketchup in order to get free porn. -- K. I wish we had a war here so people wouldn't have to travel so far to see corpses whenever they want to prove they're tough by poking one with a stick. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The future of fashion! Date: Sat, 24 Sep 2005 14:25:17 -0400 [www.newscientist.com] -> -> Shark shocker -> -> The two divers left for 6 hours in shark-invested waters near -> Australia's Great Barrier Reef this week would surely have -> welcomed the wetsuit being patented by Vladimir Vlad in the US. -> -> The new suit takes advantage of the fact that sharks have -> sensitive receptors in their snouts which detect electrical -> fields in the water. This helps them track prey, but if the -> field is too powerful the shark backs off. -> -> Made of metal and neoprene in the usual way, the wetsuit has -> thin piezoelectric ceramic fibres woven into its fabric. The -> fibres extend along the body and limbs, connecting to metal -> electrodes which harvest any charge generated when the piezo -> material is deformed by the wearer's movement. -> -> The voltage delivered by the fibres depends on their length -> and how many there are. During normal swimming, the suit -> continually generates several volts which flow through the -> water between the electrodes to create a deterrent field. If -> the diver sees an undeterred shark and swims fast to get away -- -> a natural reaction, one suspects -- the suit generates much -> higher voltages and stronger fields. -> -> If the shark still fails to get the message and bites the -> suit, it gets a shock in the mouth and -- hopefully -- gives up -> for the day. All hail Vladimir Vlad The Vladinator and his invention of the electrified rubber suit. Let me guess, it comes in black? And Batman and Catwoman are going to fight over which of them gets to wear it first? ("But Catwoman, YOU don't NEED to wear an electrified codpiece!") The question is whether the suit could be worn inside out and connected to a miniature computer programmed to shock the wearer if they try to do socially unacceptable things, such as wait in line ahead of me at the supermarket. Now that this suit theoretically exists, its power should be used to make people get out of my way, and they should have to buy one, not me. Also the suit should also give people shocks if they try to watch any TV program I don't like. Other people watching different TV than me hurts society by causing the Nielsen ratings to go up for programs I don't like, leading TV executives to put more "Survivor" knockoffs on the air. I DON'T CARE WHO GOT VOTED OFF WHAT! JUST GIVE THE AUDIENCE SHOCKS INSTEAD! -- K. Dear Mr. President, please amend the Constitution to make TV work that way. Also, please send me your measurements. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The future of fashion! Date: Sat, 24 Sep 2005 20:13:14 -0400 revmike@gmail.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The question is whether the suit could be worn inside out and > > connected to a miniature computer programmed to shock the wearer > > if they try to do socially unacceptable things, such as wait > > in line ahead of me at the supermarket. > > Maybe you could rub latex balloons against your head, then stick > said balloons to these people. They would then run home to hide in > shame. That only works if you can convince Grandma to lose a contact lens first. Also, your Grandma has to be a giant sweater, implying odd things about your genetic makeup, which could explain why you're light blue and spend your spare time kissing talking broccoli. So please stop trying to get me to write "Pajama Sam" slash-fic, because I think what the world needs instead is "Chex Quest" slash-fic. "And then he unsheathed his giant motorized spoon while he remained crispy in milk..." Anyway, there are better ways to make static electricity. Unfortunately, the power company hasn't found a way to get it delivered to your home -- they tried selling one-inch-by-fifty-mile strips of cat fur that you could use to connect your home to the power plant, but PETA made them shut down the farm that raised the one-inch-by-fifty-mile cats. The cat-stretchers didn't get in trouble because when PETA raided the facility, they quickly flushed all the cats down the toilet, except for the ones they made into balloon animals. Once you get the cat to be that long and narrow, you can make it into a dog or a different cat if you're careful not to twist it so tight that it pops. You people are sick. -- K. Someone else can write the "Cheerios Playtime" slash-fic. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The future of fashion! Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 17:02:22 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Last week, I got some snail-mail spam from PETA. What struck me as a > little sad, was that it included a nickle that was glued to the spammage > and was under a little plastic window in the envelope for all the world to > see that PETA is sending cash-money to peopum. > > Dear PETA: > > It's going to take more than a nickle to buy off my carnivorous tastebuds. > Also, I used the nickle towards the purchase of a piece of beef jerkey. I'm surprised charitable organizations still try that. They're telling you, "Hey, we think you're such a gullible schmuck that because we gave you a nickel you're going to feel guilty and be convinced you owe us money in return, check one of these boxes to indicate whether you're repaying that nickel by giving us $100 or $500." It's very insulting to the average human intelligence. Almost as insulting as telling me that veal calves feel pain. Well, of course they feel pain! What are we supposed to do, swallow them whole without slicing them up? The tactic of mailing you a penny or a nickel to guilt you into an irrational level of owingness used to be a common stunt for magazine subscription sales pitches, but at least now that PETA's doing it Reader's Digest will have to stop because they don't want you to confuse their magazine with any organization that doesn't publish a monthly installment of "I Am Joe's Delicious Veal Dinner Provided By The Glorious American Meat Industry" and "It Pays To Increase Your Word Power: 50 Ways To Say 'Hamburger'" plus an occasional piece of glurge such as "The Lobster I Almost Didn't Boil". If PETA wants to get my attention, they could try sending me $100 in a leather envelope. Then maybe I'd give them a nickel. Minus the cost of postage. -- K. I like animals, I really do, it's just that throwing nickels at me won't change my biological need for White Castles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The future of fashion! Date: Wed, 28 Sep 2005 19:38:24 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Almost as insulting as telling me that veal calves feel pain. > > Well, of course they feel pain! > > More importantly, they're sick and they taste yucky. Actually, good veal is indescribably yummy. How indescribably yummy is it? It's precisely 347.2% yummier than pork. It's just that good. But veal from the supermarket, on the other hand... is bad. Awful. Terrible. You see, within hours after you shrink-wrap a piece of veal, it turns to pure ammonia. Just like flounder. In fact, I think veal turns into flounder and vice versa if you let them sit a while. Veal must be eaten within moments of being sliced otherwise you're going to get a mouthful of meat wee. Hamburger is the other supermarket meat that you have to cook right after you buy it, but with hamburger you have about twelve hours before it gets that gamy flavor, and even that gamy flavor is tolerable if you're one of those people without a lot of taste buds. But veal needs to be treated like a still-beating heart harvested from a motorcycle rider -- "EVERYBODY OUT OF MY WAY! I HAVE TO GET THIS VEAL INTO THE FRYING PAN, STAT!" If you make it to the pan in time, veal is wonderful. Veal with butter, lemon juice, capers, and shallots is the best. I forget what that's called -- last time I had it at a restaurant they claimed it was Veal Oscar, but that's something else (veal with crab meat, asparagus, and hollandaise.) But veal with butter and capers and stuff is the best. And Wiener schnitzel is also the best. (That's breaded, fried veal, which can also be served with a tomato-burgundy sauce or a fried egg -- oh, I so miss the Wursthaus.) > Fortunately, the corn-fed stuff (and/or totally fake veal that's > just soy-filled beef) seems to be more our cafeteria's speed. It's worse than you know. Those oval-cookie-cutter breaded ' 'veal' ' patties you're thinking of are, shall we say, made from the HEARTIEST part of the cow. Those are in no way similar to the flavor of corn-fed veal, milk-fed veal, or the greatest thing ever, veal-fed veal. -- K. And yes, they do make vegetarian wiener schnitzels for insane German vegetarians who want to smuggle sissy soy into the beer-and-slapfighting garden. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The future of fashion! Date: Wed, 28 Sep 2005 23:26:36 -0400 "Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Veal with butter, lemon juice, capers, and shallots is the best. > > I think that's called 'piccata', m'leader. Named after that bald English > dude on Star Trek. Correct, sort of -- I'll give you partial credit since Robert Picardo isn't English. The Holy Trinity of Veal is piccata, marsala, and Wiener schnitzel. Of course veal Oscar wishes it could join in the fun but I don't think I've ever had it, and I'm not sure I'd like it 'cause it's got weird stuff like crab flakes and asparagus touching it. I'm not sure whether I prefer beef, veal, or pork in Swedish meatballs. They're all good in meatballs, in different ways. Nobody has yet volunteered to make me any real osso buco (it takes 24 hours to cook), but the cheap imitations I've had (made with pressure cookers) have been quite nice. Veal rules. Those little calves should be happy to lead unhappy lives, 'cause they can understand they're going to be made into really good food, while all those free-range cows are just going to turn into McDonalds products, and probably not even ones that are advertised as containing beef. Since they all know they're going to be killed, the veal calves should be free to choose to live in the little cages so that they'll know they'll cook up better than the burger cows. -- K. You know what I have a craving for right now? That turtle soup with the sherry and the bits of hard-boiled egg. But turtles are tough and chewy. They should raise veal turtles by taping their leg-holes shut so they can't go running around chasing cars and stuff. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ACK GAHH! Date: Sat, 24 Sep 2005 14:40:42 -0400 Kate McMillan (kateisthorn@cashette.com) wrote: > > TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > > > I've also been told chicks dig scars. > > > > I think someonw lied. > > To set the story straight, at least 95% of us don't like long hair OR > scars on guys. Do you also have an irrational hatred of body hair? I've been told that modern men are supposed to shave their back, genitals, and other body parts because apparently women want their men to not be men. I have so much body hair that all women would have the hots for me if they weren't irrational. Remember the scene in "You Only Live Twice" where the Japanese bath hostesses are fondling Sean Connery's chest hair? I've got more chest hair than him and yet I've never even been invited to Japan. > Dr Who rocks. So does Star Trek.... "Star Trek" sucks because Patrick Stewart has that little scar on his upper lip. And they can't fix it because his evil clone in the last movie also got the same scar from the same shaving accident (because they they clone you, they clone all the stuff that's happened to you) so if Patrick Stewart got his scar fixed then his evil twin would still have a scar and the movie would be ruined because his evil twin wouldn't look like exactly like him. Wait, I just put my glasses on, his evil twin looked nothing like him anyway except that they gave him the same scar on his lip. But I stand by my assertion that Patrick Stewart has a scar. -- K. I'd tell you which movie character my scar is most reminiscent of, but I don't know whether you like David Cronenberg movies. AND NO, IT'S NOT JAMES WOODS. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ACK GAHH! Date: Sun, 25 Sep 2005 23:41:50 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'd tell you which movie character my scar is most reminiscent of, > > but I don't know whether you like David Cronenberg movies. AND NO, > > IT'S NOT JAMES WOODS. > > Please don't tell us it's Rosanna Arquette. Who? Do you mean they mashed the entire cast of "Friends" together into one enormous creature married to Tom Arnold? If so, that's just not funny, especially if it's singing the National Anthem. Now I'm going to concentrate until your head explodes. (Oh, what a giveaway.) Then I'm going to come up with a real title for the National Anthem so that it doesn't keep getting confused with that other song, the one about the star-spangled banner. And shouldn't at least _one_ of our country's two patriotic songs be changed to something that's not an old Welsh drinking song with notes you have to be really drunk to think you can hit? -- K. How about "What's New, Pussycat?" To sing that, you just have to be Welsh with a big penis. I should do more karaoke. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ACK GAHH! Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 16:53:51 -0400 You people are sick. Sick, sick, sick. All I was trying to do was to make a reference to the captain from "seaQuest" having that little ding in the middle of his forehead in "Scanners" but no, you had to change the topic from "Scanners" to _weird_ movies. Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > I'd tell you which movie character my scar is most reminiscent of, > > > > but I don't know whether you like David Cronenberg movies. AND NO, > > > > IT'S NOT JAMES WOODS. > > > > > > Please don't tell us it's Rosanna Arquette. > > > > Who? > > The one from Crash with the apparently rather deep scar in her thigh. OH! Thank you for knowing how to explain it in a way I'd understand. I've only seen that movie, like, six times. It even made the news yesterday: [news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> Sea alert as crew watch sexy film -> -> The crew of a fishing boat blocked emergency radio frequencies -> for hours as they watched an erotic film. -> -> The crew of the Blyth-based Oceania accidentally left their -> radio switched to the emergency channel on Thursday as they -> were off the North East coast. -> -> They then settled down to watch the film Crash on a TV which -> was next to the radio -- not realising it was being broadcast -> over a 30-mile radius. And then they got really turned on when they intentionally rammed the Titanic! And then the Titanic sank! And then they climbed into James Cameon's little mini-sub and went down to ram the Titanic again! But then they suffocated because the mini-sub filled up with jizz! -> The controversial film Crash, starring Holly Hunter and James -> Spader, tells the story of people who gain sexual -> gratification from car crashes. Well, sort of. I thought J.G. Ballard's writings made it quite clear that a sexual orgasm _is_ a car crash, Presidential assassination, or pushing the button that cancels "Star Trek". A non-sexual orgasm, on the other hand, is a misspelled paramecium. Then the paramecium crashes into a volvox but the volvox has impact- absorbing erogenous zones for safety so nobody gets hurt. It's not that crashing a car then leads to sexual gratification, it's that crashing a car is exactly the same as sex in every way. If it's not, then why do cars have rubber tires? -- K. The R-rated edit of the movie is pretty dull, because then it's just a porn film with the porn removed. The NC-17 version (on the same DVD) has the proper level of swingers- with-scars-being-penetrated- by-flying-glass. I really want to win a date with David Cronenberg. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Taste the glove! Date: Sat, 24 Sep 2005 14:53:08 -0400 [www.dentalcompare.com] -> -> Available in powder and powder free, the green apple flavored -> gloves offer patients a pleasing alternative to the latex -> taste of gloves. There's nothing wrong with the taste of latex gloves! Artificial green apple flavor is a lot ickier than latex. But for the gloves to be really great-tasting, they should have that smoky black rubber vulcanized tire flavor. If you don't know how good that taste is, go lick a tractor tire. Mmm, tractorlicious. Bacon gloves would also be acceptable. Oh, and curry. Why don't the dentists of the world invent a curried toothpaste? Anyway, a green apple glove is nothing new -- I've seen "Yellow Submarine". I'm not sure what that glove tasted like, though. It had some sort of weird smoke coming out of it, and I don't think it was tobacco. -> [...] -> -> The new green apple flavor is the latest addition to Plak -> Smacker's flavored glove line, joining the already popular -> strawberry, bubblegum, grape and vanilla-orange. These flavored rubber gloves would be useful for pranks: "Here, kid, try this new chewing gum. It lasts forever! Also, it's got fingers that tickle the inside of your mouth. Good, keep chewing. Now you ought to know that I'm Willy Wonka and you're a blueberry." -- K. I want to make a movie where a dentist has to give a zombie a root canal and the zombie eats the dentist's hands but then the zombie says "Ow, my tooth hurts!" and the dentist laughs while waving his bloody stumps. Then for a happy ending the dentist gets a pair of bacon- flavored rubber prosthetic hands. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hurricane Katrina generated by Yakuza with Soviet technology? Date: Sun, 25 Sep 2005 16:48:55 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Maybe Kibo or someone has already posted about this interesting theory > being espoused by some TV meteorologist. Yes, indeed, Tim Chsomething spotted it last week, then I posted the deeeee-finitive article on the matter. But now that it's hit the real newspapers it's getting more publicity, especially from the fake newspapers like USA Today. > [www.usatoday.com] > -> > -> Stevens, who is among several people to offer alternative and generally > -> discounted theories for the storm that flooded New Orleans, says a > -> little-known oversight in physical laws makes it possible to create and > -> control storms--especially if you're armed with the Cold War-era weapon > -> said to have been made by the Russians in 1976. Is this oversight part of the Federal Department Of Weather Oversight? The people who go around calibrating all the mad scientists' weather machines and sealing them with those little stickers so that crime mobs who pay for 50,000,000,000 raindrops won't get shortchanged? > -> [...] > -> > -> Stevens said oddities in Hurricane Katrina storm patterns underpin his > -> theory. > -> > -> And, according to his website, so does the fact that Katrina and > -> Ivan--the name given to a destructive hurricane that hit Florida in > -> September 2004--both sound Russian. > > I especially like that last bit. I guess we can stop this alarming > situation by having whoever makes up the list of hurricane names put > no Russian-sounding names on the list. Better not put any > Japanese-sounding ones on either, just to be on the safe side. And the best part is that if we use up all the real names during a year (they only go up to "V" or something) after that they start using "Alpha", "Beta", "Gamma", "Delta" -- proving the the Greek fraternity system takes over the weather control from the Yakuza once the Yakuza runs out of Russian names! -- K. I'm rooting for Hurricane Kakihara. (Hey, Clans, are you looking for a new wrestling name?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Rita Date: Sun, 25 Sep 2005 22:51:12 -0400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Not that any of you berks care but I made it through just fine. You should move to a part of the country that has nice weather, like Boston. > [...] > > My own tale of escape involved covering 30 miles in about seven hours. Wow, I can only imagine the heat from the friction involved in dragging a tarp that big that fast. > [...] > > Oh, and I also now believe that people who fail to stop at stop lights that > are out need to be beaten to death with jumper cables. What about the ones who are in the closet? It's very bigoted of you to only beat up openly gay people and not the closeted ones. I say you should treat them all equally and beat them all to death for any traffic violation. Please come up to Boston and kill all those idiots who run red lights, and all the taxis who only stop for certain people, and whoever recorded the second half of the Red Line's "Charles MGH / MASS EYE AND EAR!" stop announcement. I promise you the weather up here is always very mellow. -- K. The weather is so sweet you can eat it like a grapefruit, but without the squirting. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Evil dolphin conspiracy! Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 00:13:07 -0400 [observer.guardian.co.uk] -> -> Armed and dangerous -- Flipper the firing dolphin let loose by -> Katrina ...must... not... make... "Day of the Dolphin" reference... must hold on... until... I can... mention... NBC's "seaQuest DSV"... -> by Mark Townsend Houston -> Sunday September 25, 2005 -> The Observer -> -> It may be the oddest tale to emerge from the aftermath of -> Hurricane Katrina. Armed dolphins, trained by the US military -> to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be -> missing in the Gulf of Mexico. Never mind, I'm sure that Cheap Imitation Wil Wheaton can ask Sam Raimi's Brother to telepathically summon Magical Talking Dolphin back to Squid-Shaped Super Submarine before Captain Embalmed In Leathery Pudding Skin notices he's missing. -> Experts who have studied the US navy's cetacean training -> exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying 'toxic dart' -> guns. Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a -> species considered to be among the planet's smartest. Ssh! Don't say that out loud! We don't want the dolphins to find out that they're smarter than us until after we take back the extermination tools we gave all of them! Humans aren't looking so smart right now. -> The US navy admits it has been training dolphins for military -> purposes, but has refused to confirm that any are missing. Well, Carl Sagan's dead, so they can't have swam away to go fuck him. But the reporters should check the Arlen, Texas police blotter to see whether Hank Hill reported any dolphins trying to put the sex on him. -> Dolphins have been trained in attack-and-kill missions since -> the Cold War. The US Atlantic bottlenose dolphins have -> apparently been taught to shoot terrorists attacking military -> vessels. Their coastal compound was breached during the storm, -> sweeping them out to sea. But those who have studied the -> controversial use of dolphins in the US defence programme -> claim it is vital they are caught quickly. ...before they teach starfish to throw odd numbers of hand grenades at the same time! -> Leo Sheridan, 72, a respected accident investigator who has -> worked for government and industry, said he had received -> intelligence from sources close to the US government's marine -> fisheries service confirming dolphins had escaped. -> -> 'My concern is that they have learnt to shoot at divers in -> wetsuits who have simulated terrorists in exercises. If divers -> or windsurfers are mistaken for a spy or suicide bomber and if -> equipped with special harnesses carrying toxic darts, they -> could fire,' he said. 'The darts are designed to put the -> target to sleep so they can be interrogated later, but what -> happens if the victim is not found for hours?' Yeah, thankfully, if you're put to sleep by a magic knockout dart while you're underwater, you're okay during the first hour. People only need to breathe while awake. I want to know more about the magic knockout darts. Are they also supposed to have that secret gas that makes people go to sleep when it's sprayed past their face for one second? And can they knock people out for precisely one scene with no lasting injury by bashing them over the head with a gun butt? -> Usually dolphins were controlled via signals transmitted -> through a neck harness. 'The question is, were these dolphins -> made secure before Katrina struck?' said Sheridan. OH NO! THE YAKUZA LET THE DOLPHINS OUT! -> The mystery surfaced when a separate group of dolphins was -> washed from a commercial oceanarium on the Mississippi coast -> during Katrina. Eight were found with the navy's help, but the -> dolphins were not returned until US navy scientists had -> examined them. Yes, ''examined''... ...and then the dolphins were returned with their underwear on backwards and friction burns around the blowhole. -- K. So besides Carl Sagan and Hank Hill, what other famous people have been sexually molested by dolphins? And how come that never happened on "Seinfeld"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Evil dolphin conspiracy! Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 16:39:57 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [observer.guardian.co.uk] > > -> > > -> It may be the oddest tale to emerge from the aftermath of > > -> Hurricane Katrina. Armed dolphins, trained by the US military > > -> to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be > > -> missing in the Gulf of Mexico. > > that's ridiculous. dolphins don't have arms. Mr. Jaws has arms, though, > or at least fins that can function like arms. Short shameful confession: I have spent thousands of hours trying to decide whether the cartoon show "Mr. Jaw" or the cartoon show "Jabberjaw" was less funny. Less happened on "Mr. Jaw" (a dePatie- Freling production, like "The Pink Panther" etc.) but "Jabberjaw" (a Hanna-Barbera product) was more aggressively idiotic. Plus, the guy doing Jabberjaw's voice was doing an attempt at Curly Fine, and I have an aversion to anything which features any subset of the Three Stooges. I demand at least three Stooges, NO BROKEN SETS. > > -> Experts who have studied the US navy's cetacean training > > -> exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying 'toxic dart' > > -> guns. Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a > > -> species considered to be among the planet's smartest. > > the amusing thing about the last sentence is that it suggests dolphins > will shoot divers and surfers *because* they are among the planet's > smartest. I'm picturing dolphins roaming around the sea giggling "HA > HA! I'm SMARTER THAN YOU!" followed by a loud "KA-THUNK!" and whatever > exclamation divers make after being poison-darted. Depends on whether the dart goes directly into the buttocks, or misses and hits the diver in the eye like that riot cop who killed the gal by pepperballing her eyeball. Since pepperballs are basically pepper encased in gelatin, I bet they'd be a big improvement over using marshmallows in Jell-O salad. I'm thinking green Jell-O, some cherry peppers, some poblanos, and some pepperballs. > > Humans aren't looking so smart right now. > > at least humans aren't looking ridiculous. imagine what will happen > when one of those dolphins with a big dorky looking dart gun strapped > to its back gets a look at itself in a mirror. Unless it's a vampire dolphin, in which case we're safe. > > So besides Carl Sagan and Hank Hill, what other famous people > > have been sexually molested by dolphins? And how come that > > never happened on "Seinfeld"? > > Tawny Welch, or whatever her name is -- Racquel Welch's daughter -- > mentioned she had a slight problem with dolphins during the filming of > "Cocoon". if you were an AWOL dolphin with a bad-ass dartgun and a > marine haircut, who would you go looking for? an astronomer's corpse, a > flabby cartoon character with no butt, or an alien disguised as a sex > kitten? > > and would you eat oatmeal afterwards? I dunno. I never saw that movie, unless the oatmeal is a reference to that other movie where Anthony Hopkins found a way to get more oatmeal into Matthew Broderick, both of whom are actors I respect a lot only when they're not giving each other enemas. As far as "Cocoon" goes -- and that's a word I just can't stop spelling, "Cooccoon" -- "Ccooccoonn" -- since it was a Ron Howard movie, it must have featured a bit part for Clint Howard, so now I'm going to suggest that you go fantasize about Clint Howard, a dolphin, and Don Ameche having a three-way in a big bowl of oatmeal. EWWWWW. I'd ALMOST rather see the enema movie again. The bbookkeeppeerr was ccooccoonned in a bbaalloonn. Nanancy, hanand the manan the danandy canandy. His namame is Stananley anand he comomes fromom Mananchester, New Hamampshire. Getting back to "Seinfeld", in the episode "The Trip", Clint Howard played a serial killer named "Tobias Lehigh Nagy", if memory serves. I always try to remember the names of fictional serial killers from light comedies in case they ever become real, 'cause Clint Howard looks like he's already 90% of the way to being really evil. Also, he yelled "ANN LANDERS SUCKS!" and that's the sort of thing only an evil person would say, because only evil people tell you the truth nobody needs to hear. -- K. Also, ANN LANDERS SUCKS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Evil dolphin conspiracy! Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 20:29:36 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] the guy doing Jabberjaw's voice was doing an attempt at Curly Fine, > > and I have an aversion to anything which features any subset of > > the Three Stooges. I demand at least three Stooges, NO BROKEN SETS. > > Even Dr. Zoidberg? He's more George Jessel with a twist of Lou Jacobi. If you want to hear Billy West doing more of a straightforward Larry, watch "Ren & Stimpy". But even that voice had some originality (and all of Billy West's voices have inherent Westy goodness) while the voice of Jabberjaw was, as I said, a poor _attempt_ at Curly Fine. What cartoons need is more of Maurice LaMarche as Shatner and Frank Welker as Stephen Hawking. Also, as I've said earlier this week, Maurice LaMarche as Jon Lovitz, Jon Lovitz as Harvey Fierstein, and Harvey Fierstein as the President Of The Cartoon. Then he could declare war on the King Of Cartoons, but only if it's from the season when he was played by Blacula and not the other guy. The other guy should go have a drink with Curly Fine. You people need to watch more cartoons. -- K. Also, what's the difference between George Jessel and George Gobel, other than the brown shoes? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New words we must all use. Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 01:15:50 -0400 It struck me that the very useful noun "toidy", which refers to the potty in a very infantile way, should also have adjectival and adverbial forms in case you ever need to say something like: "The bathroom comedian toidily described his feces." "I keep the good catalogs on the coffee table and the toiderly catalogs in the bathroom." "That cat messed up my shoes toidily. She's the most toiderly cat I've ever owned. Her toiderliness exceeds all rational concepts of toiderlinity." So from now on, "toiderly" is a perfectly good adjective and "toidily" is a respectable adverb, therefore, if you don't start using them in conversation your vocabulary will be smaller than mine. Of course, the same suffixes work just as well with the word "doidy", so you could say that someone who shouts "DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY!" is being very doiderly, and then arrest them for disdoiderly behavior. -- K. I want to publish match books that say "LEARN TO BE A BATHROOM COMEDIAN!" so I can become a millionaire teaching people how to put the word "explosive" next to the word "diarrhea". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Would you believe . . . Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 17:29:35 -0400 TomH (address@my.sig) wrote: > > . . . while joking about Daylight Savings time, Leader Kibo > KILLED DON ADAMS! (on Mon, 08 Aug 2005) Got 86'ed, did he? Sorry about that, Chief. Was aiming at Larry King -- missed him by _that_ much! I probably also just took out "Butch" from "The Little Rascals"/"Our Gang", depending on whether lowercase b's count. As I wrote on August 8: -> -> (I could say something about Don Adams's high heel shoes, but -> it wouldn't be worth it.) Okay, see, in the sad, sad movie "The Nude Bomb" (aka "The Return Of Maxwell Smart"), tiny little Don Adams not only had giant platform shoes, but also had these ridiculous giant bell-bottoms that were supposed to hide the shoes completely -- in other words, he was wearing big tents over each clodhopper. I don't remember whether or not he still had a phone in his shoes, but it hardly matters because all by themselves, those bellbottoms were sillier than a shoe-phone would have been. He looked like he was standing on polyester Romper Stompers. And as I wrote on September 3: => => [...] not the Yanomami, but another equally butch tribe [...] If capitalization counts, you have to go back to February 9 to hear me say "Butch" with a big "B". (Butch bees are like killer bees except they don't need to kill you, they just let you know they _could_.) I'm not even going to check on whether anyone else said "Butch" after February 9, because I've got better things to do and other celebrities to kill. (HELLO, LARRY KING! ARE YOU STILL ON TV FOR SOME REASON?) > Freakin' Death Ray. Und now I vill destroy the vorld's supply of potatoes! -- K. Zis is a.r.k, ve don't do potatoes here! Siegfried was always the one with the fashion sense. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A half-serious question (or two) Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 17:40:55 -0400 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Has anyone here -- or maybe over there -- ever actually won the "home > version" of a TV game show? I've won hundreds of games of Scrabble, but I've never even played the "home version" of "TV Scrabble", the one with the exploding tiles that made annoying noises. Yes, I believe there actually was a "TV Scrabble" boxed game. I was disappointed there was never a home game for "TV Monopoly". Especially the unaired pilot version with the wacky midget. > If so, did you play it after you returned home? > Did doing so in any way mitigate whatever lingering disappointment, > resentment or -- let's be forthright here -- hostility you harbored from > your failure to have accomplished more in the aforementioned game show? > Did you leave the "home version" tucked away in a closet, where it > became a forgotten reminder of your futility? > Or did you drop-kick the sucker into a dumpster? Does playing "Takeshi's Castle" at home count if it's solitaire? -- K. Awesome game show idea: Takeshi Kitano vs. Anne Robinson! Lawrence Tierney could be the host! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Video Saturday Night Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 17:55:16 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Our building was recently outfitted with new digital phones, each of > which offers a menu of about 30 different ring tones. The very last > ring tone in the menu is called "Crazy Frog," and it consists of about > 15 seconds of brutal electronic noise. A ring tone that lasts 15 > seconds is bad enough, but this tone also sounds like a Moog > synthesizer is strangling a fax machine while dry-humping a modem. You old dudes just don't get motorcycles. Or frogs with external genitalia. So what are the other menu items? "Who Let The Dogs Out?", "Macarena", and "Rappin' Rodney"? -- K. HA HA YOU ONLY STARTED HATING "CRAZY FROG" A YEAR AFTER THE REST OF US! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT (with very small quantities of blood) Date: Tue, 27 Sep 2005 02:07:03 -0400 Exciting announcement! From now on, I am shaving with a straight razor! Like a pirate! ARRR! It's amazing how close the shave is, how easy it is, and how I managed to not injure myself (except for one little nick on the cheek just like G.I. Joe. Hey, how come everyone in Joe's army has that same scar? Is it from some factory defect in the left edge of their gas masks?) I'm not throwing out my electric hair clippers and disposable razors -- The cut-throat razor isn't all that good for my lumpy Adam's Apple (so I still go over it with the electric, followed by the disposable) and of course I need the electric clippers when I want to trim hair to a specific length. But for places like the tops of my cheeks (I have wolfman hair that creeps up towards my eyes) the straight razor is so much better than anything else I've used. Very smooth and gentle. I bet it would be good for things like chest hair, too, but I'm not going to try that, because I and everyone else in the world love my dark, fluffy chest hair. Anyway, the straight razor I'm using is an interesting hybrid -- it takes double-edged razor blades from the drugstore, but they have to be snapped in half longitudinally to tuck into the long thin razor. This is a lot easier than the authentic Civil War sort of razor that would require a stupid strop on a stinky strap. Of course snapping razor blades in half is annoying, but it's far better than having to sharpen things by hand. It doesn't clog up the way the disposable razors do, and unlike them, it absolutely requires shaving cream (with disposables, you can sort of shave without it.) Anyway, I heartily endorse the concept of shaving with a proper Space Pirate Ninja Viking folding katana-style razor-clam-shaped razor. Don't be afraid, try a cut-throat razor... unless you're chicken. THOSE OF YE WHO SHAVE WITH MODERN "SAFETY RAZORS" BE FOOLS!!! YE MADE THE WRONG CHOICE 'TWEEN AWESOMENESS AND SAFETY!!! YARRR!!! -- K. I bet I could take it through airport security because the screeners won't know what it is. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT (with very small quantities of blood) Date: Wed, 28 Sep 2005 19:20:51 -0400 [on shavers] Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > John Schmidt (js@radix.net) wrote: > > > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > > > Sadly I dumped her for a stereotypical gay hairstylist because > > > he was 100 times better in every other respect. > > > > That *has* to be on purpose. > > I ain't sayin'. I don't like these new "Ask, but don't tell" "Beetle Bailey" strips. So, now that Beetle Bailey has been in the Army for something like 75 years, don't you think it's high time he went to war? Or at least was promoted to a job guarding prisoners at Guantanamo? "Private Bailey, you why did you urinate on that prisoner's Koran?" "Because I heard there was no 'P' in Arabic!" That would be a laff ryut! Also I want one of those hats Sgt. Snorkel wears. It looks like Bart Simpson's hair combined with Mickey Mouse ears. Then I could wander around theme parks saying, "Hi, I'm Bart Mickey Simpson Mouse! I'm now 200% over-merchandised! Buy everything with either of my identities on it, then buy it again!" -- K. I still don't get "Marmaduke". Why doesn't the artist just draw him smaller so he won't be too big? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT (with very small quantities of blood) Date: Tue, 27 Sep 2005 13:43:41 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > THOSE OF YE WHO SHAVE WITH MODERN "SAFETY RAZORS" BE FOOLS!!! > > YE MADE THE WRONG CHOICE 'TWEEN AWESOMENESS AND SAFETY!!! YARRR!!! > > I hereby grant ye the 2005 Benjamin Franklin Award. YARRR!!! I BE BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, SCURVIEST KNAVE EVER T' BECOME PRESIDENT OF T' UNITED STATES!!! I INVENTED LIBRARIES!!! ARRRRRRR!!! I can't wait to attend the official Benjamin Franklin Award Dinner. Mmm, electrocuted turkey with French fries, tofu, and water served from glasses that make weird squealing noises. What time do I have to show up at the Hellfire Club? -- K. How DID that weirdo ever get elected President? Did people just vote for him because they kept seeing his picture on money? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT (with very small quantities of blood) Date: Tue, 27 Sep 2005 16:07:00 -0400 [regarding Benny "Hill" Franklin] Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How DID that weirdo ever get elected President? Did people > > just vote for him because they kept seeing his picture on money? > > That's part of it. BF is more important because he is on the $100 bill. > Much more important than that loser Abe Lincoln. He only rates the $5 > bill. The most important president ever has to be Salmon P. Chase ( a > distant relation to my ex-wife). My theory is that Ben Franklin was the Kibo of his day. Washington got to be on the money 'cause he was our _first_ President. And Lincoln got to be on the money 'cause he was our most _respected_ President. And Jefferson got to be on the money 'cause he was our most _important_ President. Franklin got to be on the money because he became famous for being famous for no particular reason. When they were designing the $100 bill, everyone kept asking "Why is Franklin on this list of candidates? He was never President!" and because they talked about Franklin so much, he won the voting and had to be on the money just for being famous for having no reason to be famous. Someday I'm gonna be on the million dollar bill. -- K. Andy Dick can be on the three million dollar bill. He's brilliant, so I want him to be on a bigger bill than me. Plus, I'll give him one of mine if he gives me one of his. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Paper: Magnetic Monopoles and Duality Symmetry Breaking in Maxwell's Electrodynamics Followup-To: sci.physics,alt.fan.mouse-potato Date: Tue, 27 Sep 2005 16:28:52 -0400 In sci.physics.relativity, sci.physics.particle, sci.physics, and sci.astro, h.poropudas@luukku.com wrote: > > [...] > > I did not remember to mention that in space-potato particle > there is always three neutrinos are groupped together when binded > with this new color electricity interaction (possibly neutrinos > are color electricity colored magnetic monopoles when binded). That sounds like a delicious new Pringles product: Space-Potato Particles With Color Electricity Colored Magnetic Monopoles With Some Binder. What flavors are the different colors of space-potato particles? > Above the mirror structure (total number of wrong neutrinos > is seven above the mirror) there are four different types of > wrong neutrinos and below mirror structure (total number of > right neutrinos is seven below the mirror) there are four > different types of right neutrinos. There can never be a right number of wrong neutrinos, or a right number of wrong neutrinos. Also, Abbott is made from what and Costello is made from whom, and what are you eating under there? > Small right neurino couples are in centers of hour glass forms > in the mirror (hour glass forms are light cones in respect to > color electricity signal). If these are light particles between > magnetic monopoles they are possible not observable in contraction > part of the Universe !!! You can turn an ordinary Shirley Temple into a knockout drink by adding a neurino cherry. > For example fourth type of wrong neutrino is different than three > other types. > > Please take a look H-M's drawings and my explanations about them. Science is not based on drawings! Science is based on diagrams! They're completely different! -- K. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fly my Time Potato. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Energy substitution ghost is a dumbass Followup-To: alt.fan.pooh Date: Tue, 27 Sep 2005 16:45:10 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > 19 Mw dickhead. > ladderal pipe math. > NOW the fucking ghost moron runs away evry time I crush his crap . > I posted a pic of a water cooler 5 gal jug in flight !! No, you didn't. > Dont give me the "" I dont remember or "" I dont know what your talking > about " shit. > Addmit your too dunce to understand liquid pistons and your too stupid > to understand a sliding vane rotor !!!! > SO PICK ON THE MORONS coward. So is a moron someone who has imaginary photos of a water cooler bottle, or is a moron someone who doesn't have imaginary photos of a water cooler bottle? -- K. Did you dress it up in something frilly? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Most annoying thing ever! Date: Wed, 28 Sep 2005 19:08:36 -0400 I just saw a TV commercial for the most annoying thing ever. You know those wall clocks from the '70s that looked sort of like Felix the Cat, where his tail moved like a pendulum and his eyes roved back and forth? Well... http://www.meowmixclock.com It's hideous. It's a terribly deformed, gigantic, tangerine orange cat head with shiny blood red details. The cat's tail hangs directly from his chin, and so quite naturally the cat wears his nametag on his tail. His combination chin/taint is flanked by huge, saggy jowls. The cat's eyes move constantly, but not with the back-and-forth motion of the classic cat clocks -- the two eyes move as a unit and are attached to the same pendulum mechanism as the tail, so they tilt back and forth, meaning one rolls up whenever the other rolls down. The cat's tongue also moves constantly. The cat's other tongue doesn't. The one inside his mouth goes back and forth, the one on his right cheek doesn't. And, once an hour, in a badly-digitized recording played at high volume through the world's crappiest speaker, it sings the entire "Meow Mix" jingle. As in, "MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW..." The commercial tries desperately to find selling points for this abomination -- this is an exact quote: "You can even turn it off manually!" If you order it through the TV, they also give you a matching alarm clock with glow-in-the-dark hands growing out of the cat's nose, so it can stare at you all night and then wake you by screeching in a distorted falsetto, "MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW..." These are the sort of products that should come with professional in-home installation by a psychiatrist specializing in the treatment of insane idiots. "Hello, I'm here to deliver your matched set of Meow Mix clocks and then lobotomize you. Let's get started, take off the Napoleon hat and bend over." -- K. "Demolition Man" is turning into a documentary. Does that mean "Titicut Follies" is going to become an action film? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm glad I didn't get that job in that store now... Date: Wed, 28 Sep 2005 20:07:33 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > [www.heraldsun.news.com.au] > -> > -> Porn bandit demands daily fix > -> > -> AN armed robber has stolen pornography, a leather G-string and cash in > -> five robberies on sex shops this week. So, in other words, he stole about five dollars' worth of goods that were probably priced at around five hundred dollars. I find it noteworthy that he stole the cheapest possible leatherwear (you can buy a G-string for four bucks if you don't want to sew elastic onto a triangle yourself) meaning that either he went right past the $700 leather straitjacket and the $3000 leather bondage suit because he really wanted the cheap G-string, or else Australia is just a lame place to shop. Probably the former, because anyone who hasn't yet found free porn on the Internet is probably wearing at least two eyepatches. I'm not sure whether porn or leather has a higher profit margin -- I suspect the porn does (after all, porn movies cost less to make but are priced higher than actual entertaining movies.) Leather is usually overpriced (after all, it's made from industrial waste McDonalds would have to pay to incinerate) but it's _possible_ to pay under $10 for a G-string while I don't think you can buy a porn DVD for under $40. You can get twelve hours of "The Simpsons" for the same price as one hour of porn, and frankly, the porn's not as funny. > -> Police say the man uses a gun to threaten attendants in adult book > -> stores and has struck once a day since Friday, when he entered an > -> Elizabeth St store in central Melbourne about 7pm. You'd think by now the clerks would have learned to be suspicious of anyone entering the porn store that early. I call automatic weirdo on anyone who visits the porn store before waiting to see if there's anything kinkier than that on the 8pm "CSI" re-run. > -> The man yesterday tried to rob an adult entertainment store in Ashley > -> St, West Footscray, but the attendant fought him off. > -> > -> He has also robbed stores in Hoddle St, Abbotsford on Saturday, Sydney > -> Rd, Brunswick on Sunday and Holmes Rd, Moonee Ponds on Sunday. In the USA, all the porn stores are run by guidos named Vito and vice versa. You so much as get a fingerprint on the display case and you get your legs broke, even if that's what you're into. I knew one store where the wiring for the fluorescent light tubes inside one of the display cases was shorted to the case's frame, so if you leaned on the two cases, high-voltage current would go between your hands. I pointed it out to them and they acknowledge that yes, this was a problem, and that they knew about it. I assume it still hasn't been fixed, and that they left it that way to teach a lesson to anyone who doesn't do the sensible thing and go into porn stores while wearing rubber gloves. So, Tim, I assume the police are going to be checking up on you now on the theory that you applied for that job just so you could case the store and later come back and steal one G-string. -- K. "You look uncomfortable. Guilty conscience, or are you just wearing a G-string?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm glad I didn't get that job in that store now... Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 06:30:35 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, Tim, I assume the police are going to be checking up on you now > > on the theory that you applied for that job just so you could case > > the store and later come back and steal one G-string. > > No coach, I don't wanna play the $5 game! I don't get it. Is this a lost episode of "Sittin' Pretty" where the basketball coach again stands around in Danny DeVito's dorm room while Danny buys G-strings off strippers for $5? Do you know the words to the Palisades Park jingle? I know the words to the "Gaslight Village" jingle, but that one sucks. Here in the U.S., games only cost a quarter, whether or not you're at Palisades Park. Expect for pinball, which is usually fifty cents because pinball is twice as good as any video game. What are these weird Australian games that cost $5 and require you to wear a G-string? -- K. I know the words to the "Sittin' Pretty" theme song. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm glad I didn't get that job in that store now... Date: Sun, 02 Oct 2005 16:05:34 -0400 Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Here in the U.S., games only cost a quarter, whether or not you're > > at Palisades Park. > > Sadly this is 100% NOT TREU. If you can even find a coin-op game > anywhere anymore, it'll probably be $1.00 to start, 50 cents to > continue. Even if it's a busted Ms. Pac-Man cocktail machine that's > been sitting there since 1983 and you can't even see the screen due to > the screen burn-in and the scuffing on the glass where some genius > tried to polish it with Barkeeper's Friend. Wow, you live in a sucky part of the country. Up here all the antique video games I see are 25c. Like, my local bar has an ancient Centipede machine (not the 20th anniversary "Atari Classics", but an actual old sixteen-color Centipede) that would let anyone put quarters into it if they wanted to play it which they don't. There aren't any video arcades around here any more, so you don't see fancy new machines of the super-expensive head-to-head immersive VR awesometacular ho-hum variety. But quarter machines are still tucked into dark corners of bars, bowling alleys, etc. I haven't been to any large amusement parks in a long time, I wouldn't be surprised if they charge extra, those places were always a rip-off. But in my daily life I see nothing but quarter machines. Pinball here is always 50c for the first game (three balls), but it's a toss-up whether the second game is 50c or 25c. I haven't seen the "6 plays for $2" setting in a while (not that I would ever buy 6 before seeing how broken the machine is, because if it's broken I'd be wasting money, and if it's not broken then after the first round I'd wind up with more free games than I could handle.) I miss video/pinball arcades. There are literally none in Boston and Cambridge any more. Teddy Bear Arcade's gone, 1051 Mass Ave. is gone, that one underground near Northeastern's gone, and the Mafiarcade never existed and it'll break your legs if you say it did. At least there's a tiny arcade in Worcester that has two pinball machines (a sucky "Austin Powers" machine and a nice "Simpsons" machine.) The only place around here where I can play non-broken pinball is that one bowling alley that has a brand-new "Sopranos" machine (apparently the lone remaining manufacturer of pinball machines is still putting out one every few years) but that machine is not only pathetically easy, it has the following annoying dialogue: "Hey, where's the freakin' money? ... Hey, where's the freakin' money? ... Hey, where's the BLEEPin' money? ... Hey, where's the freakin' money? ... Hey, where's the BLEEPin' money?" 90% of the speeches consist of the same sentence, the only thing that varies is the method of not swearing. Lousy-ass game. > I stopped at every rest stop along the Palisades Interstate Parkway, > and the only game I found to play was "walk into the woods and pick > delicious wild raspberries". It cost two tokens. Then the forest ranger said, "You don't come here for the raspberries, do you?" -- K. HEY, THOSE ARE FREAKIN' DINGLEBERRIES! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm glad I didn't get that job in that store now... Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 19:16:04 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I know the words to the "Sittin' Pretty" theme song. > > Well, duh! I'll bet you know the theme song to "Small Wonder," too. Always happy to help someone win a sucker bet. From memory: She's a small wonder pretty and bright with soft curls She's a smaaaaall wonder a child unlike other girls She's a miracle and I grantcha she'll enchantcha at first sight She's a smaaaaaaaaall wonder and she'll make your heart take flight lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala Sheeeeeeeeeeeeee's fantastic maaaaade of plastic microchips here and there She's a smaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall wonnnnnnderrrrrrrrrrrr with love and laugh ter ev 'ry where! lalalala! I can't remember the names of the three people it took to write that song. > You've probably watched more bad TV than G-d, and he greenlighted > "Manimal!" Hey, "Sittin' Pretty" wasn't _bad_ TV! Anything with Danny DeVito's involvement is automatically good. I mean, come on, for producing "Pulp Fiction" everything else he ever did gets elevated to honorary good status. Plus, the rest of the movie that was around "Sittin' Pretty" was quite funny, even though it was a TV-movie -- nature's dreariest art form, only about three TV-movies have ever even come out watchable, let alone good. So I heartily endorse "Sittin' Pretty". I propose a marathon of "The Ratings Game", "Tunnelvision", "UHF", "Pray TV" (aka "KGOD"), and "In God We Tru$t". That way you'll get your Andy Kaufman, Paul Reubens, Weird Al, Marty Feldman, Dabney Coleman, Chevy Chase, Billy Barty, and _two_ Michael Richardses (one of them making little kids drink from a firehose.) Note that I did not include "Amazon Women On The Moon" because I'm still sore at Blockbuster for trying to scam me out of an enormous amount of money for promptly returning that tape. Also, the Marty Feldman movie never seems to have been released on home video, so you may have to substitute something else with an Andy Kaufman role, preferably that one where he ruins the St. Patrick's Day parade, and not either of the two things he did where he played a wacky robot. -- K. Oh, and how could I forget "Death To Smoochy"? The only movie ever to have Jon Stewart's exploding head edited out! Mash that movie and "The Ratings Game" together and you've got TOO MUCH DEVITOEY GOODNESS. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm glad I didn't get that job in that store now... Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 19:00:06 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > What are these > > > weird Australian games that cost $5 and require you to wear a > > > G-string? > > > > 'Dungeons And Dragons'. Whoa, Lots, you're confusing codpieces and G-strings. And "Zardoz" with "Dungeons & Dragons". LOOK OUT! DAPHNIA!!! AND BEWARE THE VOLVOX! > > We -tried- to tell them the right way to play that game but did they > > listen? Nooo. Stupid perverted Australians. > > I just saw a very sad commercial. It seems that there is now a book > called Dungeons and Dragons for Dummies. One of the brain trusts talks > about how it helped him create a Level 1 Barbarian (of course he > finished the sentance with "and rising to Epic Level DM", but that's not > nearly as mockable). > > Back in my day, newbies learned by doing what the oldbies told them (ie: > "You shouldn't have a problem helping us kill that basalisk, you are a > mighty [Level 1] warrior, after all"). What channel are you watching that shows commercials for geeky stuff adapted for idiots? And why are you voluntarily inserting yourself into their viewing audience, making you an honorary member of their target demographic of dorky dimwits? And how come you didn't make a single Tom Hanks reference? Or is it in bad taste to suggest that Al-Qaeda's destruction of the World Trade Center is a good thing because it'll prevent any more nerds from killing themselves before they reach the level that allows them to make their own scenarios? I think there should be a sequel to that movie, where Tom Hanks gets addicted to Rubik's Cube and gets institutionalized after he keeps trying to twist parts of people's faces. And then another one where he thinks he's Pac-Man and chases Michael Richards and Melanie Chartoff around but then he snaps out of it when Michael Richards throws a glass of water in his face and then they beat each other with cue cards and then he thinks he's Ferris Bueller but Melanie Chartoff yells at him so loud that Jerry Seinfeld's door explodes and then Michael Richards cries because he can't slam the door open when he comes in from the hallway where the back half of Jerry's refrigerator is. Seriously, does it bother anyone else that part of Jerry's fridge is in the dimension of Zuul? -- K. I bet he eats some perversion of Lucky Charms containing Stay-Puft marshmallows. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Miss Piggy is dead. Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 06:22:18 -0400 The United States Postal Service just introduced a series of stamps featuring everyone's favorite licensed commercial intellectual property, The Muppets. Under American law, this proves that the Muppets must have died at least ten years ago. How did Miss Piggy die? "Valley Of The Dolls"-inspired drug overdose? Made the mistake of using an oil-based body lotion that dissolves foam rubber? Eaten by the Swedish Chef? Committed suicide after sleeping with Tony Clifton? I know they can't show "The Muppet Show" in most of the Middle East because it's offensive to many Muslims to see humans cavorting with -- and even touching -- pigs. Now Americans will be mailing pigs that say "USA 37c" to every corner of the world. HEY, LOOK, WORLD! AMERICA'S AMBASSADOR TO YOU IS A SQUISHY, IMAGINARY PIG! SHE'S THE VERSION OF YODA WHO'S NOT KOSHER! There's also a Swedish Chef stamp Americans can use to let Europe know America thinks Sweden is full of retarded spazzes with foam rubber for brains. Interestingly, they seem to have toned down Animal -- he's not wearing his chains or spiked collar, and furthermore, he's wearing a _white_ T-shirt just to make it clear how much of a Goth he isn't. Unfortunately, the stamps only feature Muppets from "The Muppet Show", not the ones from "Sesame Street", so you can't get your hands on a Lick Me Elmo. Nor can you stick Bert on your Snuffleupagus. Seriously, how could they miss issuing a series of denominations from 1 to 12 featuring the Count? The Postal Service issued something that tried to be a press release but forgot to finish writing itself: [www.usps.gov] -> -> Kermit the Frog viewed the stamps from the Muppets' perspective. -> "On behalf of the Muppets, it is a great honor to be featured on -> our own set of stamps," said Kermit the Frog. "These commemorative -> stamps couldn't have come at a better time -- to celebrate my 50th -> Anniversary, I'm hitting the road next month on a 50-stop World Tour. -> I'll need to send a lot of letters home to Miss Piggy if I want -> to stay in her good graces!" The World Tour will begin October 14 -> in Kermit, TX. "Quote from Kermit, Lisa, Brian, or Dick." Devastating remark about incompetent press-release editing. Obscene reference to Gonzo's nose and that Koozbanian with the blow-hole. Surreal obscurantism purporting to explain something I said earlier that replaces all proper nouns with other, similar ones. -- K. Question about whether Jim Henson would have been on that gay TV show if he didn't have that skunk spot in his hair. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Miss Piggy is dead. Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 07:35:18 -0400 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > There's also a Swedish Chef stamp Americans can use to let Europe > > know America thinks Sweden is full of retarded spazzes with foam > > rubber for brains. > > Have you ever met a Swede? Yeah, when I starred in that porn video. Seriously, I think this stamp marks the first time the US Postal Service has slandered an entire nationality of chefs. I'm sure Sweden must contain at least one person who isn't a spastic chef who throws the ingredients at the ceiling while shouting "BORK BORK BORK!" What do they actually shout? -- K. They don't put Speedy Gonzales on stamps. This is because Mexicans get mad when you stereotype them, while Swedes just make black-and-white movies where they express their outrage through ennui. And then there's Pepe le Pew, because all Americans know that French people are great lovers despite emitting clouds of green stench. Also French people want to have sex with cats. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Disturbing commercial #20050930a. Date: Fri, 30 Sep 2005 17:07:10 -0400 It's near the end of the month, so it's apparently New Commercial Day. A bunch of dopey new ones have just appeared. One in particular stands out. I've only seen it once, out of the corner of my eye, and my memory of it is a little sketchy due to the trauma it induced, so this is my best reconstruction: Guy is in a meeting in a small, glass-walled office. He says "I just had my gallbladder out," and bites into a Cheese Nips cracker. His body explodes, spraying the glass and everyone else with fluorescent orange cheez from head to foot. They keep eating the crackers. I hope to hell I am somehow misinterpreting this, but I swear the line "I just had my gallbladder out," comes right before the fluorescent orange cheezplozion. Even if I didn't understand that orange cheez is worse than real cheese which is worse than food, I would still find this commercial deeply disturbing. Lesson learned: The gallbladder's function is to keep your body from exploding when you eat icky stuff. I'm sure I'll see this commercial another 50,000 times, so I'll deconstruct it further as it annoys me more. -- K. This is now the second time Cheese Nips have scarred me for life. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing commercial #20050930a. Date: Sat, 01 Oct 2005 02:39:59 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Guy is in a meeting in a small, glass-walled office. He says "I just > > had my gallbladder out," and bites into a Cheese Nips cracker. > > His body explodes, spraying the glass and everyone else with > > fluorescent orange cheez from head to foot. > > I thought it was the bag that exploded, not that guy's body. I sure hope so. But then why the story point about him having an abdominal incision through which a gall bladder was removed? > I'm usually not paying attention because by that point I've been lulled > to sleep by the simulated office small talk. I wish I could pay more attention to cheez, and specifically the propaganda that emanates from the cheez cartels. But I am biological unable to pay attention to cheez. > I'm going to have to count the number of people before and after next > time I see it. Oh, as if there's continuity in these things. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Roasted weenie! Date: Sat, 01 Oct 2005 03:36:11 -0400 Seen on Fark.com. [www.shanghaidaily.com] -> -> Penis burned -- hospital to be sued -> -> Zhang Xiaobin -> -> 2005-09-30 Beijing Time Hooray! For once I got a free Chinese newspaper that's not wrapped around a jar of fermented fish sauce! -> A Mr Kang who went to a private hospital to have foreskin -> resection has lost more than he expected, the Xinmin Evening -> News reported Friday. -> -> Kang, a middle-aged man, read an advertisement and went to a -> private hospital in Jinshan District on September 8. KANG goes to a PRIVATE HOSPITAL. KODOS is a good Communist and goes to a STATE-RUN RE-EDUCATION FACILITY. -> He followed doctor's instruction to take a course of microwave -> "heliotherapy". KANG sticks his penis in the MICROWAVE. KODOS ignores his penis because he must do his part to prevent OVERPOPULATION. -> After one hour, Kang noticed that his penis had been burned black -> and was painful. KANG notices his PENIS. KODOS notices only what he is TOLD to notice by the benevolent Communist regime which never committed any atrocities whatsoever. -> He had difficulty passing water but the doctor had gone off work -> and he could find nobody to help him. KANG has difficulty passing WATER. KODOS always keeps a SELF-CATH kit in his pocket so as not to bother the IMPORTANT DOCTORS. -> On the following day, the doctor tried to treat the -> inflammation and advised Kang to try other hospitals. KANG gets a SECOND opinion. KODOS has NO opinion! Opinions are the sworn enemy of Communist ideology, and all good Communists KNOW that opinions are evil! -> Urologists found that Kang's penis had been so severely -> "cooked" that the burned parts had to be excised reducing the -> size of the penis. KANG's penis is COOKED. KODOS's dim sum is NOT QUITE COOKED, which is the proper way to serve pig pizzle. -> The president of the private hospital admitted an "accident" -> had occurred but asserted that the "operation" had been -> performed according to the instructions set out on the -> "heliotherapy" manual and it was the first time that such an -> accident had occurred, Xinmin said. KANG enjoys HELIOTHERAPY. KODOS enjoys a LOBOTOMY to ensure that he never requests a therapy as stupid as a MICROWAVED PENIS. -- K. Everyone knows you're only supposed to put your penis in the toaster. You have to, because you're not allowed to use your fork to get that bagel unstuck. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Moving men Date: Sat, 01 Oct 2005 03:46:49 -0400 Brendan Blackford Connor (bbconnor@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > Moving men will be here in a couple of hours. They're taking my > stuff. To Moscow. I'll be living there in less than two weeks. Ask me > if I'm nervous. Ask me if I will be cold this winter. That's what you get for openly disagreeing with the Propaganda Vending Machine's most recently-issued weight-and-propaganda card declaring George Bush was "cuddly". You implied he might not be "cuddly", and now you're going to be working at a toilet paper factory in Moscow, where every night you will be strip-searched on the way out to ensure you didn't steal a square for personal use, as the factory only makes toilet paper for Kremlin officials, and the other Russians can only have it when the officials are done with it. My advice: When you get to Russia, tell them you're a Viking. They like Vikings. And give everyone you meet a bottle of vodka, because they like vodka. Also, learn how to say in Russian, "Mold keeps food from tasting bland." So which one of Moscow's 28 professional hockey teams are you going to support? And remember, the KGB knows whether you're rooting for the KGB team. -- K. Didn't you consider moving to a happy, well-adjusted country, like Finland? P.S. GEORGE BUSH IS KNOWN TO BE "CUDDLY" MUCH LIKE TOP-QUALITY TOILET PAPER ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My life: Odder and odder Date: Sat, 01 Oct 2005 19:25:17 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > [...] I drove a 16-penny nail into the top of a few fenceposts, > then snipped the head off with bolt cutters. You "Earth First" eco-terrorists are a menace to the tiny loggers who need to cut down fenceposts to make our nation's toothpicks. I bet you also tried to recycle Gumby. -- K. "Sorry, Gumby, but we need clay to keep the pages of 'Playboy' shiny and moisture-resistant!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: ...'cause pink Band-Aids just ain't butch. Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 04:32:26 -0400 The substratum of journalism devoted to receiving free samples of new products in exchange for quoting the corporate press release in its entirety is all abuzz about a new product from a division of 3M. You see, 3M makes both duct tape and adhesive bandages. And they've just introduced adhesive bandages that are shiny gray so that you can say, "Look! I'm all grown up and I'm a very big man and I'm wearing a bandage made out of duct tape!" [www.datamonitor.com] -> -> At last, an adhesive bandage that is targeted towards men! -> Many plasters these days are either covered in cartoon -> characters to appeal to children, or are pink in color -- -> hardly a traditionally 'masculine' shade. However, Nexcare 3M -> Duct Tape Bandages, launched in the US, are gray in color and -> feature a man's hand on the packaging, holding a DIY tool. It's a close-up of a hand model lifting a hammer from his tool belt. I can't tell whether he's using his other hand to make the "Y", the "M", the "C", or the "A". I'm waiting for 3M Leather Bandages. -> The plasters are designed to look like duct tape, presumably so -> that the wearer doesn't feel embarrassed about wearing them. Uh oh. Teddy Dibble's about to make a new erotic mummification video. (Assuming I have remembered the name of the correct video artist from that old "Alive From Off Center" episode and am not confusing him with any other video artist who stole his name from a Benny Hill sketch. But Benny Hill never did anything as clever as covering his entire head with Band-Aids.) -> They also come in longer lengths for larger fingers, while the -> packaging is designed to fit easily in a toolbox. What size are the toolboxes in 3M's world? Most toolboxes can hold a box of normal Band-Aids, or even a box of those weird "X"-shaped ones 3M sells through industrial-safety catalogs. And why doesn't 3M also make bandages that look like 3M Post-It Notes? Oh, right, because everyone knows they don't stick to anything. -- K. The 3M Duct Tape Bandages are part of the Tim Allen Collection, along with 3M Prison Tattoo Bandages. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: You rhombused my rectangle! Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 05:22:42 -0400 This morning I had a dream that I couldn't send an important E-mail because somehow a piece of spyware got installed on my computer that messed up the interface so bad that the desktop was a rhombus. Okay, someone better 'fess up. Who stole all the corners of my desktop so I could only mouse around inside a rhombus? ...I'M LOOKING AT YOU, KAI KRAUSE! The frustrating fuckware actually offered the choice of having my desktop be a rhombus, a circle, or a small square centered within the rectangular screen, but all the desktop layouts had an annoying black and white zebra pattern. Also, all the files had one-letter names. Worse, one-letter names in all capitals! In Helvetica! -- K. I would buy one of those glowing blindfolds that induces lucid dreams, but then I'd have to sleep on my back, and if I could do that I'd spend my money on a septum piercing instead.