From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Miss Piggy is dead. Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 06:22:18 -0400 The United States Postal Service just introduced a series of stamps featuring everyone's favorite licensed commercial intellectual property, The Muppets. Under American law, this proves that the Muppets must have died at least ten years ago. How did Miss Piggy die? "Valley Of The Dolls"-inspired drug overdose? Made the mistake of using an oil-based body lotion that dissolves foam rubber? Eaten by the Swedish Chef? Committed suicide after sleeping with Tony Clifton? I know they can't show "The Muppet Show" in most of the Middle East because it's offensive to many Muslims to see humans cavorting with -- and even touching -- pigs. Now Americans will be mailing pigs that say "USA 37c" to every corner of the world. HEY, LOOK, WORLD! AMERICA'S AMBASSADOR TO YOU IS A SQUISHY, IMAGINARY PIG! SHE'S THE VERSION OF YODA WHO'S NOT KOSHER! There's also a Swedish Chef stamp Americans can use to let Europe know America thinks Sweden is full of retarded spazzes with foam rubber for brains. Interestingly, they seem to have toned down Animal -- he's not wearing his chains or spiked collar, and furthermore, he's wearing a _white_ T-shirt just to make it clear how much of a Goth he isn't. Unfortunately, the stamps only feature Muppets from "The Muppet Show", not the ones from "Sesame Street", so you can't get your hands on a Lick Me Elmo. Nor can you stick Bert on your Snuffleupagus. Seriously, how could they miss issuing a series of denominations from 1 to 12 featuring the Count? The Postal Service issued something that tried to be a press release but forgot to finish writing itself: [www.usps.gov] -> -> Kermit the Frog viewed the stamps from the Muppets' perspective. -> "On behalf of the Muppets, it is a great honor to be featured on -> our own set of stamps," said Kermit the Frog. "These commemorative -> stamps couldn't have come at a better time -- to celebrate my 50th -> Anniversary, I'm hitting the road next month on a 50-stop World Tour. -> I'll need to send a lot of letters home to Miss Piggy if I want -> to stay in her good graces!" The World Tour will begin October 14 -> in Kermit, TX. "Quote from Kermit, Lisa, Brian, or Dick." Devastating remark about incompetent press-release editing. Obscene reference to Gonzo's nose and that Koozbanian with the blow-hole. Surreal obscurantism purporting to explain something I said earlier that replaces all proper nouns with other, similar ones. -- K. Question about whether Jim Henson would have been on that gay TV show if he didn't have that skunk spot in his hair. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Miss Piggy is dead. Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 07:35:18 -0400 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > There's also a Swedish Chef stamp Americans can use to let Europe > > know America thinks Sweden is full of retarded spazzes with foam > > rubber for brains. > > Have you ever met a Swede? Yeah, when I starred in that porn video. Seriously, I think this stamp marks the first time the US Postal Service has slandered an entire nationality of chefs. I'm sure Sweden must contain at least one person who isn't a spastic chef who throws the ingredients at the ceiling while shouting "BORK BORK BORK!" What do they actually shout? -- K. They don't put Speedy Gonzales on stamps. This is because Mexicans get mad when you stereotype them, while Swedes just make black-and-white movies where they express their outrage through ennui. And then there's Pepe le Pew, because all Americans know that French people are great lovers despite emitting clouds of green stench. Also French people want to have sex with cats. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm glad I didn't get that job in that store now... Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 06:30:35 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, Tim, I assume the police are going to be checking up on you now > > on the theory that you applied for that job just so you could case > > the store and later come back and steal one G-string. > > No coach, I don't wanna play the $5 game! I don't get it. Is this a lost episode of "Sittin' Pretty" where the basketball coach again stands around in Danny DeVito's dorm room while Danny buys G-strings off strippers for $5? Do you know the words to the Palisades Park jingle? I know the words to the "Gaslight Village" jingle, but that one sucks. Here in the U.S., games only cost a quarter, whether or not you're at Palisades Park. Expect for pinball, which is usually fifty cents because pinball is twice as good as any video game. What are these weird Australian games that cost $5 and require you to wear a G-string? -- K. I know the words to the "Sittin' Pretty" theme song. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm glad I didn't get that job in that store now... Date: Sun, 02 Oct 2005 16:05:34 -0400 Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Here in the U.S., games only cost a quarter, whether or not you're > > at Palisades Park. > > Sadly this is 100% NOT TREU. If you can even find a coin-op game > anywhere anymore, it'll probably be $1.00 to start, 50 cents to > continue. Even if it's a busted Ms. Pac-Man cocktail machine that's > been sitting there since 1983 and you can't even see the screen due to > the screen burn-in and the scuffing on the glass where some genius > tried to polish it with Barkeeper's Friend. Wow, you live in a sucky part of the country. Up here all the antique video games I see are 25c. Like, my local bar has an ancient Centipede machine (not the 20th anniversary "Atari Classics", but an actual old sixteen-color Centipede) that would let anyone put quarters into it if they wanted to play it which they don't. There aren't any video arcades around here any more, so you don't see fancy new machines of the super-expensive head-to-head immersive VR awesometacular ho-hum variety. But quarter machines are still tucked into dark corners of bars, bowling alleys, etc. I haven't been to any large amusement parks in a long time, I wouldn't be surprised if they charge extra, those places were always a rip-off. But in my daily life I see nothing but quarter machines. Pinball here is always 50c for the first game (three balls), but it's a toss-up whether the second game is 50c or 25c. I haven't seen the "6 plays for $2" setting in a while (not that I would ever buy 6 before seeing how broken the machine is, because if it's broken I'd be wasting money, and if it's not broken then after the first round I'd wind up with more free games than I could handle.) I miss video/pinball arcades. There are literally none in Boston and Cambridge any more. Teddy Bear Arcade's gone, 1051 Mass Ave. is gone, that one underground near Northeastern's gone, and the Mafiarcade never existed and it'll break your legs if you say it did. At least there's a tiny arcade in Worcester that has two pinball machines (a sucky "Austin Powers" machine and a nice "Simpsons" machine.) The only place around here where I can play non-broken pinball is that one bowling alley that has a brand-new "Sopranos" machine (apparently the lone remaining manufacturer of pinball machines is still putting out one every few years) but that machine is not only pathetically easy, it has the following annoying dialogue: "Hey, where's the freakin' money? ... Hey, where's the freakin' money? ... Hey, where's the BLEEPin' money? ... Hey, where's the freakin' money? ... Hey, where's the BLEEPin' money?" 90% of the speeches consist of the same sentence, the only thing that varies is the method of not swearing. Lousy-ass game. > I stopped at every rest stop along the Palisades Interstate Parkway, > and the only game I found to play was "walk into the woods and pick > delicious wild raspberries". It cost two tokens. Then the forest ranger said, "You don't come here for the raspberries, do you?" -- K. HEY, THOSE ARE FREAKIN' DINGLEBERRIES! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm glad I didn't get that job in that store now... Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 19:16:04 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I know the words to the "Sittin' Pretty" theme song. > > Well, duh! I'll bet you know the theme song to "Small Wonder," too. Always happy to help someone win a sucker bet. From memory: She's a small wonder pretty and bright with soft curls She's a smaaaaall wonder a child unlike other girls She's a miracle and I grantcha she'll enchantcha at first sight She's a smaaaaaaaaall wonder and she'll make your heart take flight lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala Sheeeeeeeeeeeeee's fantastic maaaaade of plastic microchips here and there She's a smaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall wonnnnnnderrrrrrrrrrrr with love and laugh ter ev 'ry where! lalalala! I can't remember the names of the three people it took to write that song. > You've probably watched more bad TV than G-d, and he greenlighted > "Manimal!" Hey, "Sittin' Pretty" wasn't _bad_ TV! Anything with Danny DeVito's involvement is automatically good. I mean, come on, for producing "Pulp Fiction" everything else he ever did gets elevated to honorary good status. Plus, the rest of the movie that was around "Sittin' Pretty" was quite funny, even though it was a TV-movie -- nature's dreariest art form, only about three TV-movies have ever even come out watchable, let alone good. So I heartily endorse "Sittin' Pretty". I propose a marathon of "The Ratings Game", "Tunnelvision", "UHF", "Pray TV" (aka "KGOD"), and "In God We Tru$t". That way you'll get your Andy Kaufman, Paul Reubens, Weird Al, Marty Feldman, Dabney Coleman, Chevy Chase, Billy Barty, and _two_ Michael Richardses (one of them making little kids drink from a firehose.) Note that I did not include "Amazon Women On The Moon" because I'm still sore at Blockbuster for trying to scam me out of an enormous amount of money for promptly returning that tape. Also, the Marty Feldman movie never seems to have been released on home video, so you may have to substitute something else with an Andy Kaufman role, preferably that one where he ruins the St. Patrick's Day parade, and not either of the two things he did where he played a wacky robot. -- K. Oh, and how could I forget "Death To Smoochy"? The only movie ever to have Jon Stewart's exploding head edited out! Mash that movie and "The Ratings Game" together and you've got TOO MUCH DEVITOEY GOODNESS. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm glad I didn't get that job in that store now... Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 19:00:06 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > What are these > > > weird Australian games that cost $5 and require you to wear a > > > G-string? > > > > 'Dungeons And Dragons'. Whoa, Lots, you're confusing codpieces and G-strings. And "Zardoz" with "Dungeons & Dragons". LOOK OUT! DAPHNIA!!! AND BEWARE THE VOLVOX! > > We -tried- to tell them the right way to play that game but did they > > listen? Nooo. Stupid perverted Australians. > > I just saw a very sad commercial. It seems that there is now a book > called Dungeons and Dragons for Dummies. One of the brain trusts talks > about how it helped him create a Level 1 Barbarian (of course he > finished the sentance with "and rising to Epic Level DM", but that's not > nearly as mockable). > > Back in my day, newbies learned by doing what the oldbies told them (ie: > "You shouldn't have a problem helping us kill that basalisk, you are a > mighty [Level 1] warrior, after all"). What channel are you watching that shows commercials for geeky stuff adapted for idiots? And why are you voluntarily inserting yourself into their viewing audience, making you an honorary member of their target demographic of dorky dimwits? And how come you didn't make a single Tom Hanks reference? Or is it in bad taste to suggest that Al-Qaeda's destruction of the World Trade Center is a good thing because it'll prevent any more nerds from killing themselves before they reach the level that allows them to make their own scenarios? I think there should be a sequel to that movie, where Tom Hanks gets addicted to Rubik's Cube and gets institutionalized after he keeps trying to twist parts of people's faces. And then another one where he thinks he's Pac-Man and chases Michael Richards and Melanie Chartoff around but then he snaps out of it when Michael Richards throws a glass of water in his face and then they beat each other with cue cards and then he thinks he's Ferris Bueller but Melanie Chartoff yells at him so loud that Jerry Seinfeld's door explodes and then Michael Richards cries because he can't slam the door open when he comes in from the hallway where the back half of Jerry's refrigerator is. Seriously, does it bother anyone else that part of Jerry's fridge is in the dimension of Zuul? -- K. I bet he eats some perversion of Lucky Charms containing Stay-Puft marshmallows. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Disturbing commercial #20050930a. Date: Fri, 30 Sep 2005 17:07:10 -0400 It's near the end of the month, so it's apparently New Commercial Day. A bunch of dopey new ones have just appeared. One in particular stands out. I've only seen it once, out of the corner of my eye, and my memory of it is a little sketchy due to the trauma it induced, so this is my best reconstruction: Guy is in a meeting in a small, glass-walled office. He says "I just had my gallbladder out," and bites into a Cheese Nips cracker. His body explodes, spraying the glass and everyone else with fluorescent orange cheez from head to foot. They keep eating the crackers. I hope to hell I am somehow misinterpreting this, but I swear the line "I just had my gallbladder out," comes right before the fluorescent orange cheezplozion. Even if I didn't understand that orange cheez is worse than real cheese which is worse than food, I would still find this commercial deeply disturbing. Lesson learned: The gallbladder's function is to keep your body from exploding when you eat icky stuff. I'm sure I'll see this commercial another 50,000 times, so I'll deconstruct it further as it annoys me more. -- K. This is now the second time Cheese Nips have scarred me for life. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing commercial #20050930a. Date: Sat, 01 Oct 2005 02:39:59 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Guy is in a meeting in a small, glass-walled office. He says "I just > > had my gallbladder out," and bites into a Cheese Nips cracker. > > His body explodes, spraying the glass and everyone else with > > fluorescent orange cheez from head to foot. > > I thought it was the bag that exploded, not that guy's body. I sure hope so. But then why the story point about him having an abdominal incision through which a gall bladder was removed? > I'm usually not paying attention because by that point I've been lulled > to sleep by the simulated office small talk. I wish I could pay more attention to cheez, and specifically the propaganda that emanates from the cheez cartels. But I am biological unable to pay attention to cheez. > I'm going to have to count the number of people before and after next > time I see it. Oh, as if there's continuity in these things. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Roasted weenie! Date: Sat, 01 Oct 2005 03:36:11 -0400 Seen on Fark.com. [www.shanghaidaily.com] -> -> Penis burned -- hospital to be sued -> -> Zhang Xiaobin -> -> 2005-09-30 Beijing Time Hooray! For once I got a free Chinese newspaper that's not wrapped around a jar of fermented fish sauce! -> A Mr Kang who went to a private hospital to have foreskin -> resection has lost more than he expected, the Xinmin Evening -> News reported Friday. -> -> Kang, a middle-aged man, read an advertisement and went to a -> private hospital in Jinshan District on September 8. KANG goes to a PRIVATE HOSPITAL. KODOS is a good Communist and goes to a STATE-RUN RE-EDUCATION FACILITY. -> He followed doctor's instruction to take a course of microwave -> "heliotherapy". KANG sticks his penis in the MICROWAVE. KODOS ignores his penis because he must do his part to prevent OVERPOPULATION. -> After one hour, Kang noticed that his penis had been burned black -> and was painful. KANG notices his PENIS. KODOS notices only what he is TOLD to notice by the benevolent Communist regime which never committed any atrocities whatsoever. -> He had difficulty passing water but the doctor had gone off work -> and he could find nobody to help him. KANG has difficulty passing WATER. KODOS always keeps a SELF-CATH kit in his pocket so as not to bother the IMPORTANT DOCTORS. -> On the following day, the doctor tried to treat the -> inflammation and advised Kang to try other hospitals. KANG gets a SECOND opinion. KODOS has NO opinion! Opinions are the sworn enemy of Communist ideology, and all good Communists KNOW that opinions are evil! -> Urologists found that Kang's penis had been so severely -> "cooked" that the burned parts had to be excised reducing the -> size of the penis. KANG's penis is COOKED. KODOS's dim sum is NOT QUITE COOKED, which is the proper way to serve pig pizzle. -> The president of the private hospital admitted an "accident" -> had occurred but asserted that the "operation" had been -> performed according to the instructions set out on the -> "heliotherapy" manual and it was the first time that such an -> accident had occurred, Xinmin said. KANG enjoys HELIOTHERAPY. KODOS enjoys a LOBOTOMY to ensure that he never requests a therapy as stupid as a MICROWAVED PENIS. -- K. Everyone knows you're only supposed to put your penis in the toaster. You have to, because you're not allowed to use your fork to get that bagel unstuck. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Moving men Date: Sat, 01 Oct 2005 03:46:49 -0400 Brendan Blackford Connor (bbconnor@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > Moving men will be here in a couple of hours. They're taking my > stuff. To Moscow. I'll be living there in less than two weeks. Ask me > if I'm nervous. Ask me if I will be cold this winter. That's what you get for openly disagreeing with the Propaganda Vending Machine's most recently-issued weight-and-propaganda card declaring George Bush was "cuddly". You implied he might not be "cuddly", and now you're going to be working at a toilet paper factory in Moscow, where every night you will be strip-searched on the way out to ensure you didn't steal a square for personal use, as the factory only makes toilet paper for Kremlin officials, and the other Russians can only have it when the officials are done with it. My advice: When you get to Russia, tell them you're a Viking. They like Vikings. And give everyone you meet a bottle of vodka, because they like vodka. Also, learn how to say in Russian, "Mold keeps food from tasting bland." So which one of Moscow's 28 professional hockey teams are you going to support? And remember, the KGB knows whether you're rooting for the KGB team. -- K. Didn't you consider moving to a happy, well-adjusted country, like Finland? P.S. GEORGE BUSH IS KNOWN TO BE "CUDDLY" MUCH LIKE TOP-QUALITY TOILET PAPER ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Moving men Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 22:14:09 -0400 Brendan Blackford Connor (bbc@osiris.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Brendan Blackford Connor (bbconnor@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > > > > > [Stuff about leaving] > > > > That's what you get for openly disagreeing with the Propaganda Vending > > Machine's most recently-issued weight-and-propaganda card declaring > > George Bush was "cuddly". You implied he might not be "cuddly", and > > now you're going to be working at a toilet paper factory in Moscow, > > where every night you will be strip-searched on the way out [...] > > Are you psychic? It's not a psychic prediction... it's a promise. You _will_ be strip-searched. Probably before even getting on the plane. The "SSSS" on your airline ticket is short for "SECURITY SCREENING, STRIP SEARCH". Like that photo of the guy yesterday having his oral cavity searched by the robot, except you'd be bending the other way, and the robot would have even colder claws. My advice is to get that John Varley-style Ken-doll surgery that eliminates your bellybutton and anus just to confuse anyone who attempts to do a body-cavity search. ("But officer, I do number two by teleportation! I'm not psychic like Kibo, I just know how to use a toilet through a wall!") > > My advice: When you get to Russia, tell them you're a Viking. > > They like Vikings. > > The best advice I've heard so far. You don't know how sick I am of > people telling me that I should sell cigarettes or jeans. If you were to go that route, you might as well just carry around a sign saying "CLUELESS FOREIGNER". Carry a double-bladed axe instead. Try to maintain the facial expression of that guy on the Gnezdovo pendant. (Upper right: http://www.hermitagemuseum.org/html_En/03/hm3_2_14f.html ) > > Didn't you consider moving to a happy, well-adjusted > > country, like Finland? > > What would be the point? I come from Florida. Oh, a _lifelong_ Commie, huh? -- K. When you get to Moscow, can you send me a new pair of jackboots? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My life: Odder and odder Date: Sat, 01 Oct 2005 19:25:17 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > [...] I drove a 16-penny nail into the top of a few fenceposts, > then snipped the head off with bolt cutters. You "Earth First" eco-terrorists are a menace to the tiny loggers who need to cut down fenceposts to make our nation's toothpicks. I bet you also tried to recycle Gumby. -- K. "Sorry, Gumby, but we need clay to keep the pages of 'Playboy' shiny and moisture-resistant!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My life: Odder and odder Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 16:31:17 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Chiggers. > > You cannot beat them. You can only hope to contain them. > You cannot see them either. That's because you're wearing the pointy white hood backwards. The eye holes go in the front. Why do you hate Chinese people who enjoy rap music? I think you should go listen to Wu-Tang Clan until you become more culturally sophisticated. > I am still undecided as to whether or not I should pave > my ten acres of woods/lawn. Fsck it, I'll even pave the > pond. It'd make a cool street hockey court. Who needs street hockey? Starting tomorrow, there will be real hockey! The NHL will be playing their first actual for-keeps games since year before last, in case the CHL and OHL and AHL and and XHL and MSNHL and those NHL pre-season games weren't good enough for you. > I'm pretty sure chiggers come with rabbits. If you act now, both come with every Hoppy Meal! That's a small bunnyburger, a small fries, a small drink, and several enormous chiggers. There's a toy suprise too, but you're not allowed to know what it is because then the box would have to print a dirty word in the ingredients. > I need to get some more sub-sonic .22 bullets. This is pissing me off. > Big time. Nine times out of ten I remember to use repellant > when going to certain areas. That's not good enough. You fool, rabbits can outrun sub-sonic bullets. Also they can trick you into putting on a wedding dress and marrying them and then when you kiss them they put dynamite into your mouth and they're so cute and cuddly except for the way they murder you over and over without really hurting you. -- K. You people who talk like Mel Blanc make me sick. Except for Mr. Spacely, who I just pretend is Danny DeVito. "JETSONNNN! I'M PRODUCING A SEQUEL TO 'PULP FICTION', AND YOU'RRRRRRRE GOING TO BE MY NEW GIMP!" "But Mr. Spacely, I don't know how to gimp! Ooba dooba!" Then, when John Travolta accidentally shoots him in the face, he explodes into multicolored triangles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My life: Odder and odder Date: Thu, 06 Oct 2005 16:27:01 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > > > > > Chiggers. > > > > > > You cannot beat them. You can only hope to contain them. > > > You cannot see them either. > > > > That's because you're wearing the pointy white hood backwards. > > The eye holes go in the front. > > At this point, I got the KKK reference, but WTF? Hey, don't look at me funny. _You're_ the one who doesn't want your daughter marrying a chigger. For sensitivity training, you need to sit through some awful movies where Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker are fighting crime when they get struck by lightning and fuse into one person. -- K. Go ahead, make up some titles for those movies. I dare you to give Hollywood the ideas. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: ...'cause pink Band-Aids just ain't butch. Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 04:32:26 -0400 The substratum of journalism devoted to receiving free samples of new products in exchange for quoting the corporate press release in its entirety is all abuzz about a new product from a division of 3M. You see, 3M makes both duct tape and adhesive bandages. And they've just introduced adhesive bandages that are shiny gray so that you can say, "Look! I'm all grown up and I'm a very big man and I'm wearing a bandage made out of duct tape!" [www.datamonitor.com] -> -> At last, an adhesive bandage that is targeted towards men! -> Many plasters these days are either covered in cartoon -> characters to appeal to children, or are pink in color -- -> hardly a traditionally 'masculine' shade. However, Nexcare 3M -> Duct Tape Bandages, launched in the US, are gray in color and -> feature a man's hand on the packaging, holding a DIY tool. It's a close-up of a hand model lifting a hammer from his tool belt. I can't tell whether he's using his other hand to make the "Y", the "M", the "C", or the "A". I'm waiting for 3M Leather Bandages. -> The plasters are designed to look like duct tape, presumably so -> that the wearer doesn't feel embarrassed about wearing them. Uh oh. Teddy Dibble's about to make a new erotic mummification video. (Assuming I have remembered the name of the correct video artist from that old "Alive From Off Center" episode and am not confusing him with any other video artist who stole his name from a Benny Hill sketch. But Benny Hill never did anything as clever as covering his entire head with Band-Aids.) -> They also come in longer lengths for larger fingers, while the -> packaging is designed to fit easily in a toolbox. What size are the toolboxes in 3M's world? Most toolboxes can hold a box of normal Band-Aids, or even a box of those weird "X"-shaped ones 3M sells through industrial-safety catalogs. And why doesn't 3M also make bandages that look like 3M Post-It Notes? Oh, right, because everyone knows they don't stick to anything. -- K. The 3M Duct Tape Bandages are part of the Tim Allen Collection, along with 3M Prison Tattoo Bandages. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ...'cause pink Band-Aids just ain't butch. Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 16:12:22 -0400 [on construction workers' first-aid skills] TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > Every handyman or construction type person I know uses the > > Krazy Glue technique. > > Yeah, I forgot about Krazy Glue. One of the FFs Krazy Glued a > non-work-related injury on his thumb, then wrapped it in duct > tape (his wife was out and he didn't know where she kept the > bandages, was his excuse, after I made fun of him for 1/2 a > day - he is, after, a Paramedic as well as a FF)(And pluh- > eeze, who doesn't know the bandages are kept in the bathroom, > with a spare box over the sink for those accidental cooking > amputations?) You know the Fantastic Four? Wow. Wait, the one who's made of orange foam rubber is uncuttable because that orange foam rubber is made of rocks, and the one who's all skinny is uncuttable because he's made of a mixture of rubber and Tyvek, and the one with the red stripes drawn all over the outside of his spandex bodystocking is uncuttable because he's supposed to have enough flames drawn on him to be hot enough to melt a knife blade, and the one who's just a dotted outline is uncuttable because she's invisible, which is the same as being imaginary. So unless you're counting Doctor Doom as one of the Fantastic Four, there's no way any of them could have gotten a cut, which is why he's the one who wears that hockey mask so as to hide his little G.I. Joe scar. > Guy I know poisoned himself one year using silicone caulk to > cover and "fill in" sheet metal scrapes and cuts. The wounds > healed fine, eventually, but his general health was teh suck > for about a year. I'm sure that's how he _said_ he got silicone poisoning during the weekend he suddenly grew breasts. Did he ever make any oblique references to attending a "pumping party" hosted by someone named "Floydina" or "Brentella" or "Marvinette"? -- K. I was going to do that with the feminine forms of "Tom", "Dick", and "Harry", but I thought it would have been in poor taste to say "Dickless". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ...'cause pink Band-Aids just ain't butch. Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 15:23:21 -0400 TomH (address@my.sig) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> The plasters are designed to look like duct tape, presumably so > > -> that the wearer doesn't feel embarrassed about wearing them. > > But thy don't feel embarrassed about wearing a small patch > of duct tape on their arm? > > Which embarrassment is more debilitating: > - wearing a wussy bandage and being seen as weak bodied? > - wearing a piece of duct tape all day and being seen as > weak minded? > - wearing no bandage and being seen as grossly infected > and smelling liek puss? I think the implication is just that construction workers are so homophobic and/or butch that they won't wear anything even remotely pink, including things that are the color of Anglo flesh. That's why any construction worker who has pink skin has to get lots of tattoos to cover it up. I'm sure this theory I just made up must be true because it seems like there could be a crappy documentary on TLC about it. Still, the invention of special tiny little bandages for construction workers is a good thing. Now when they accidentally cut their fingers off, they can put a half-inch-wide sticker on what's left of their hand and go right back to work building my mansion. Has anyone here ever had a high school shop teacher with an even number of fingers? No? How about a rational number of fingers? -- K. There should be a TV show where we watch a team of shop teachers trying to build a house without dying. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ...'cause pink Band-Aids just ain't butch. Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 19:09:13 -0400 "Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Has anyone here ever had a high school shop teacher with an even > > number of fingers? > > Are 4 and 6 even enough? No, because 6 is the clear winner over 4. 4 and 4 would be even. > > No? How about a rational number of fingers? > > Uh-oh. An irrational number of fingers?!? MATH IS HARD!! Well, according to Cantor's Diagonal Argument, there are a transfinite number of ways to slice a finger diagonally when you become irrational and need a quick way to win a diagonal argument. Cantor's full list of transfinite numbers is this: Aleph-negative-one -- maximum number of Chuckles in a package (believed to be less than 6) Aleph-null -- number of items on this list Aleph-one -- number of items that aren't on this list Aleph-two -- number of possible encyclopedias that could say this list sucks Aleph-three -- like the other ones, but in a higher tax bracket Aleph-four -- duuuuuuuude! Aleph-four! Aleph-five -- the number of ways Taco Bell can fuck up your order AND SO ON FOREVER AND EVER, BUT ONLY IN THE ALEPH-ONE SENSE OF FOREVER, NOT IN THE ALEPH-TWO SENSE WHICH WOULD BE JUST RIDICULOUS. > > -- K. > > > > There should be a TV show > > where we watch a team of > > shop teachers trying to > > build a house without > > dying. > > Nowadays, most school shop class budgets can only afford stone tools. > Teachers can't drink on the job (or smoke enough joints) enough to > actually build a house. Nor can they afford the mandatory Escalades and > Navigators that real builders must have in order to function. Dear Taco Bell, You did something to my formatting and now I want revenge. Also, my taco was supposed to have "no cheese", not "extra bones". And you put my Chuckles in the wrong order. I can't eat them if the black one's not in the center because then they'd look lopsided. As far as school shop teachers being Flintstones characters, that's a good idea, but only if we also replace the science teachers with Jetsons characters and the gym teachers with a better class of sadists. I would post Cantor's Complete List Of Strata Of Sadists, but unfortunately the space between these margins is too small to contain it. Also, my screen is out of paper. -- K. The worst sadists are the ones with the Mel Blanc voices. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ...'cause pink Band-Aids just ain't butch. Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 20:01:36 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The worst sadists are > > the ones with the Mel > > Blanc voices. > > What about wacky secret agent chimps with Mel Blanc voices? They're somewhere between first-season Twiki and that evil pot of boiling water that will scald your child if you don't KEEP THAT POT HANDLE TURNED IN! > Sorry about screwing up your formatting, my newsreader does it > automatically when I reply. Of course, you know, this means war. -- K. You're despicable. P.S. I just bought an album by the "Soothing Sounds For Baby" guy (Raymond Scott) and his song "Powerhouse" is plagiarized from all eight pieces of music from every "Looney Tunes" cartoon strung together. It's a bigger ripoff than that time I went to see "Hamlet" and they were just saying a bunch of words that I already saw when I read the dictionary! Also, when I listened to "Soothing Sounds For Baby", the headphones gave my ears diaper rash. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ...'cause pink Band-Aids just ain't butch. Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 15:16:29 -0400 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> The plasters are designed to look like duct tape, presumably so > > -> that the wearer doesn't feel embarrassed about wearing them. > > I would be ashamed to advertise that > I was embarrassed by certain color band-aids. So what you're saying is that, every time you cut yourself, you have to cut yourself another 19 times so that you can give every color of Band-Aid equal treatment? Neon pink, duct tape, "Barney", transparent, "flesh", and those blue metal-detectable ones the people who make the McNuggets wear where their fingers used to be? You are a human Band-Aid Pride Flag. Except that if you actually do have pale pink skin, the "flesh" Band-Aid will be less visible than the duct tape one, so you'll have to do the math necessary to determine how many nearly-invisible "flesh" ones will equal one duct tape one based on their differential albedo. Cutting yourself to support political correctness is hard! -- K. Cutting other people to support political correctness is easy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ...'cause pink Band-Aids just ain't butch. Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 23:44:24 -0400 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > > > I would be ashamed to advertise that > > > I was embarrassed by certain color band-aids. > > > > So what you're saying is that, every time you cut yourself, you have > > to cut yourself another 19 times so that you can give every color of > > Band-Aid equal treatment? > > No, I just wear the regular pink ones like everybody else. "Like everybody else"? What am I, chopped liver? Now if you'll excuse me, I just got a paper cut, so I have to go cauterize something with my blowtorch. Band-Aids are for people who don't know how to use a blowtorch. FIRE HEALS ALL! Remember that great old Don Martin cartoon that showed how to remove a Band-Aid? Man, that guy was sick! Whatever happened to him after he died? Oh, right, rotting. From memory, that cartoon went like this: 1.) Little boy is struggling to peel off his Band-Aid while wincing in pain. 2.) Mommy says "It hurts less if you pull it off really fast!" 3.) She rips it off. It makes some sound like "PSCHERTAPOIZEETLE!!!!!!!" 4.) She and the kid look at the two cubes of flesh dangling from the back of the used Band-Aid. I haven't seen that cartoon in about thirty years, but I clearly recall the precise cubicalness of the excised flesh. Hmm, according to the Don Martin Dictionary on CollectMad.com, the sound effect in question was actually just "ZAT!" (Mad #167, June 1974, page 37.) That issue also had a cartoon where Don Martin demonstrated 18 times that popping a pimple always goes "PING!", as well as one where a cooked frog's leg went "PAF!" as it turned into a cooked prince's leg. According to that site, the first sound effect he ever used in "Mad" was "Xmng!" (1957), and the last was "SHKLORBBADORP!" (1987). No word on whether he kept drawing impossible onomatopoeia after he switched to "Cracked", 'cause nobody gives a xmng about "Cracked". Does this answer your question about why you should give money to the 3M corporation for a different color of sticky plastic? -- K. Colored Band-Aids are an affectation because injuries themselves are perfectly good fashion accessories. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: You rhombused my rectangle! Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 05:22:42 -0400 This morning I had a dream that I couldn't send an important E-mail because somehow a piece of spyware got installed on my computer that messed up the interface so bad that the desktop was a rhombus. Okay, someone better 'fess up. Who stole all the corners of my desktop so I could only mouse around inside a rhombus? ...I'M LOOKING AT YOU, KAI KRAUSE! The frustrating fuckware actually offered the choice of having my desktop be a rhombus, a circle, or a small square centered within the rectangular screen, but all the desktop layouts had an annoying black and white zebra pattern. Also, all the files had one-letter names. Worse, one-letter names in all capitals! In Helvetica! -- K. I would buy one of those glowing blindfolds that induces lucid dreams, but then I'd have to sleep on my back, and if I could do that I'd spend my money on a septum piercing instead. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: MY dumb dream too! (was Re: You rhombused my rectangle!) Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 23:21:04 -0400 Respectfully submitted for the approval of the cosmic filing system that placed this under "X" for "Weird" in the Kibology Zone: Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > This morning I had a dream that I found a thrift store, and walked in, > only to find it was abandoned. Except for one woman, who expected > to be able to shop for clothes. > > I still browsed the electronics, and found some great gadgets that > never existed. > > Then when I got the idea to ask the woman out, or at least to offer > to fool around in the abandoned thrift store, the owners came back, > realizing they'd left a store full of second-hand goods behind. Is this the one where, for some reason, you don't get to have sex because you broke your glasses, or is this the one where you don't get to have sex because you're really both holograms imagined by an alien chimp and also the female hologram is a lesbian? So tell us more about the great gadgets that don't exist. Also tell us where to buy all of them. I looked for nonexistent things on eBay but all I found were empty PlayStation 3 boxes, a "mystery bag" containing either $500,000,000 in diamonds or a smaller mystery bag, some little blue things named "Veeeagorra" with lots of accent marks, and a gallon of "~LQQK~". -- K. Did you at least get to lqqk at the lesbian's veegynna? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: outside looking in Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 20:06:52 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > If you're playing against decent players and there is a > > raise and a reraise before the flop, then _someone_ probably > > has an overpair to J's and you're completely dominated. > > Um, no. If you are playing against good players they > could be playing any of the top 13 good hands, and if > you slow play your pocket jacks you can kick some > serious ass. If you have to fold after the flop or > the turn, so be it. You played the odds correctly. I hated that episode where the two of you played the role of Wesley after he got cloned in a Transporter accident. -- K. I preferred the old series where they could only play card games without gambling because the cards were too weird-looking to gamble with. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Smartest Man in the World Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 23:45:31 -0400 TSMITW (tsmitw@tsmitw.edu) wrote: > > I am The Smartest Man in the World. > > Ask me anything. Why? -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Educational Games Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 02:21:31 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > You guys are a bunch of nerds, so you should be able to help me out. > I spend an hour and a half of each working day playing games with the > kids out at lunch recess now. I try to make them somewhat educational > so that it helps them do better in school in a relatively painless > manner. Participation is voluntary so they should be fun as well. > What games would you recommend? They need to be easy to teach to > elementary school aged children and easy to carry from school to > school. I have Uno, Boggle and Set so far. I also have a set of > Finding Nemo memory cards for the little kids. Mille Bornes is easy enough, especially if the kids don't mind an occasional made-up French word like "kilometres". Plus then they get to tell their parents "Paula lets us look at French playing cards!" Parker's other classic card game, "Water Works", has just been re-issued with the tiny metal wrenches and a replica of the original plastic bathtub-shaped card tray! Just don't lose those wrenches... "Skeeter" is the card game to get if you want the kids to hurt each other. It's just "Slap" with pictures of bugs instead of normal playing cards, the kids have to compete to see who can slap the skeeter first, and if you're a little slower than the other kids at least you get the satisfaction of slapping the backs of their hands as hard as you can. Any game store should have a rack of small card games, you can tell which ones are good for kids by looking at the font size on the cards. If the cards have three-inch-high numbers on them, it's a kid-friendly game. If the cards each have three paragraphs, it's a game for nerds. I always liked "Rack-O", which might be one of the dullest kid-friendly games ever. But at least it would be good for the kids who need reinforcement of basic sorting and filing skills. That's the one where the numbered cards have to go into the little plastic dishrack in ascending order. > Any suggestions? Also, must be G-rated, so now GI Pron matching games > or anything like that. These kids these days, with their 12" GI Pron dolls. When I was a kid, we just had G.I. Joe dolls with Evel Knievel's head and Steve Austin's head on them, and they had weird flat spots where their genitals had been crudely removed, and that was the way we liked it! (All the large-size male dolls of that era used the original G.I. Joe body, which had been sculpted with a genital bulge and said bulge had then been trimmed down with something like a straight razor. It might have been during the same shaving incident where Joe cut his face.) -- K. I still want to get a "Super Scrabble" set, but that would hardly encourage anything other than arguing and cheating and new-swear-word- inventing among little kids, and it's also one of the least portable games now on the market because of the huge board. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Educational Games Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 21:29:37 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about WFF 'n Proof and all those other Learning Games > Associates games we played in sixth-grade math class like Tri-Nim and > Equations, and neither did Dave Delaney! Visit their horrible webbage > www.wff-n-proof.com NOW NOW NOW for all your neediest nerdiest students! I beg to differ. I went ON AND ON, waxing nostalgic about WFF 'n Proof a few years ago. And nobody cared about the exciting game where children were forced to re-derive our entire system of mathematical logic from first principles, with the winner being the first one to complete the "Principia Mathematica"! Nobody even answered my Kwik Kwiz about the difference, if any, between WFF 'n Proof 'n Scientology! /////////// IT'S A RE-RUN FROM HERE DOWN! ////////////////////////////////// Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Crazy cynic things Date: Mon, 15 Oct 2001 00:18:47 GMT Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A POINTANGLE IS NOT A SANDWICHANGLE IS NOT A FATANGLE. > > Also, in sixth grade we called equilateral triangles "squangles." Until > the teacher made us stop. Which she could only ever do by enticing us to > play WFF 'n Proof and Equations and Tri-Ominoes. And I'm not sure we > ever stopped calling the Tri-Ominoes squangle-ominoes, either. Okay, I've seen a few refrences to WFF 'n Proof here lately. And until now, I've avoided mentioning WFF 'n Proof because I thought it was too nerdy a reference for you folks. But now I see I was wrong. Just out of curiosity, is there ANYONE on alt.religion.kibology who didn't enjoy a rousing game of "WFF 'n Proof" as a child? More to the point, how could anyone not enjoy it? It's got dice so it's just like gambling except instead of money you're wagering symbolic-logic statements and you win if you prove Godel's Theorem unless the other players can prove you did it by accident! The dice with Boolean operators on them make WFF 'n Proof better than Nomic, which doesn't even have dice and doesn't have enough rules! As the makers of WFF 'n Proof say: -> Relatively short exposures to play of WFF 'N PROOF (as little as -> three weeks) has been accompanied by 21-point increases in the -> non-language parts of standard IQ tests. That's almost a point a day, depending on the length of the weeks! If I did nothing but play WFF 'n Proof all day every day for ten years, I'd be the brainiest person ever and would win The Nobel Prize For Just Being Smart! They also make other excuting products such as "The Propaganda Game" and "Quick-Sane" and a brain-strainer named "50 Nifty 50": -> "You can get up to 50 percent discount on 50 percent of your order." I hope it's not recursive. Most of the other games published by Autotelic Instructional Materials involve infinite recursion, especially near the end of the rules. In fact, I think the word "autotelic" is defined as "referring to anything which is defined by itself", except you couldn't actually say that because then "autotelic" wouldn't really be autotelic, so most dictionaries just have a blacked-out paragraph there to keep you from trying to understand autotelicity. If this bothers you, just substitute Pete Rugulo's "Space-A-Delic" for the word "autotelic" and frug your worries away! Also, has anyone here EVER read the "Monopoly" rules all the way through? (I was going to ask that about the "Scrabble" rules except I've read them all the way through about eight times because everyone I play against cheats. For the last time: NO CAPITALIZED WORDS, ABBREVIATIONS, HYPHENATED WORDS, FOREIGN WORDS, DIAGONALS, L-SHAPED WORDS, OR SMILEYS!) -- K. WFF 'n Proof is NOT the reason I use words like "nand" in everyday conversation, xor I am lying. Your turn! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: WFF 'n Wacky Date: Mon, 15 Oct 2001 01:15:29 GMT I just wrote: > > [the makers of the education game WFF 'n Proof] also make other exciting > products such as "The Propaganda Game" and "Quick-Sane" First, let me just apologize for misspelling that as "excuting products" in my first draft. WFF 'n Proof is not used to execute condemned criminals, nor do any chainsaws pop out of Quick-Sane aimed at your face. I have cancelled the article containing the misspelling, and reposted it with the correct spelling of "exciting" and fewer claims that WFF 'n Proof will kill you upon contact. Second, more research has turned up that The Propaganda Game was developed in conjunction with one of the actors from "Battlestar Galactica", although they tried to disguise it by spelling his name wrong: -> By Robert Allen (Director ofÊ the National Academic Games Tournament), -> Lorne Green, Actor, and George Moulds (Kent State University) Lorne Greene is best known for a series of TV commercials where he talked about how wonderful Alpo tastes to dogs and the dogs never took out an editorial reply with the TV network so it must NOT be propaganda! Also he was the only one to have facial hair in "Galactica 1980" and not "Battlestar Galactica", with the exception of that one Cylon named "Hairy", who was killed when he attempted to play Quick-Sane. -> In a democratic society such as ours, it is the role of every citizen -> to make decisions after evaluating many ideas.Ê It is specially important -> that a citizen be able to analyze and distinguish between the emotional -> aura surrounding an idea and the actual content of that idea. -> It is this goal of clear thinking that the PROPAGANDA Game addresses. -> -> ... Lorne Greene He did this as a response to finding out that Baltar was giving the humans copies of Philip K. Dick's "Syndrome". Autotelic Instructional Media seems to still sell the same list of games I remember them having when I was a kid, except I note that they no longer sell "Blacks & Whites", the game of racial equality. I guess it was withdrawn once its work was complete and racism was eliminated forever. I never played it so I don't know whether it included dice or a spinner or pepper spray. I was going to try to think of some educational game titles sillier than "WFF 'n Proof" and "Quik-Sane" and "The Propaganda Game" but then I saw that they sell this one: -> The Meditation Game is designed for relaxation in times of stress. ->Ê It is a game of pure strategy that is likely to elicit joy for players -> who embrace, and are embraced by, it.Ê This delightful, colorful, -> excursion into the realm of strategy and thought is a great gift. Yes, but Rassilon said that to win is to lose. I think Willy Wonka did too. I bet he's good at playing "Candyland". "HA HA! YOU LANDED ON THE GREEN SQUARE! THIS MEANS I GET TO JAM YOUR HAIR INTO THE BUBBLE TAPE MACHINE! I MAIM ANYONE WHO EATS TO MUCH CANDY! HERE, EAT ALL THIS CANDY!" Willy Wonka is sick and twisted and, frankly, his candy doesn't taste so great. -- K. I wish Roald Dahl would write a "WFF 'n Proof" parody, or at least a "Battlestar Galactica" parody. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: WFF 'n Squad! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 15 Oct 2001 01:33:03 GMT Important advice about advanced WFF 'n Proof strategy, from the inventor himself, Prof. Layman E. Allen: -> Advice to Coaches and Players of Adventurous WFF 'N PROOF -> -> Thorough familiarity with the Tarski Short Cut contributes remarkably to -> the quality of strategy that players are equipped to bring to bear upon -> their play in pursuit of the Leslie Nielsen Scholarship award. -> --LEA Damn. All the Scrabble I've played isn't good for anything better than a Don Knotts award! -- K. It's time for a KWIK KWIZ! "The A-claim means that you Flub if you make a move that (A)llows a Solution to be built with at most one more cube from Resources when you could have made a move that both avoided doing so and at the same time fulfilled the P-claim. Of course, when only two cubes are left in Resources, you may have to move one of them so that they are made permitted or essential and allow a Solution to be built with just one more cube from the Resources, because forbidding either cube violates the P-claim. This is a Force-Out situation rather than an A-claim violation, because in such circumstances it is not possible to avoid allowing a Solution to be built with just one more cube from the Resources without violating the P-claim." a) game rule b) Scientology /////////// IT'S A RE-RUN FROM HERE UP! //////////////////////////////////// The part about foreign words in Scrabble is the fungible part depending on who has the home dictionary advantage -- you have to know which Latin words are in your dictionary because foreign words are permissible as long as they're surrounded by an English dictionary. I hate the American Heritage Dictionary for not having "qat". -- K. KWIK KWIZ II: What is the score of the most strategic move for the first player to make on their first Scrabble turn? Hint: It's less than 1. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Educational Games Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 16:44:04 -0400 kerri9494 (kerri9494@gmail.com) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) asked: > > > > What games would you recommend? > > OK, well, how about various regular card games? Scat is fun. (No, not > THAT way, don't you DARE Kontext-Away that one, Kibo.) Shooby-dee-bop-a-dee-boogaloo-bop-de-womp-womp-wa-wa, I'm gonna do it anyway because I found a loophole: I've never heard of a card game called "Scat" therefore it's not a double-entendre if I say you like the other scat. EWWWW! > Slapjack is a favorite in our house, but I suppose children WHACKING > each other is frowned upon at your people-luvvin' school. I already mentioned "Skeeter", the child-friendly version of that game. It's got icky bugs that survive no matter how hard you pound on them through the other kids' hands. > Concentration? Easy sudoku puzzles? Bingo? Quip Qubes? Perquacky? > Yahtzee? SPEAK EARTH LANGUAGE, YOU SCATTING NUMNUL!!!! -- K. EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Educational Games Date: Thu, 06 Oct 2005 04:28:48 -0400 [on properly non-educational card games for children] Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > I've got some Memory cards, which are concentration with Finding Nemo > characters on them. The kids like them. I also have some 100 piece > puzzles, but they are so popular with huge groups dividing up sections > that I think I am going to have to get some harder ones with more > pieces. Or just cut up the pieces. Of course, the kids might see through that trick if you've already tried convincing them to break all their crayons in half so they'll have twice as many. Hey, did you ever hear that story about the guy in India who invented chess and his reward was that he asked to be given one crayon broken in half 64 times? > I cannot use any regular cards. Seriously. We have a big wacky > fundamentalist contingent around here in hickville and many of them > think that playing cards is EEEEVIL. So if they look like Uno cards, > that's fine. If they look like poker cards, they are of the devil. But "Finding Nemo" stars talking fish! It's an offense to God to show fish making wacky wisecracks because fish don't have souls! > Interestingly enough, however, when I had the change from my lunch in > the bottom of the plastic container I carry the games in, kids were > coming up and asking how much they had to pay to buy into the game. > I'm sure I'll hear from someone high up about that as soon as a parent > can get a confused description and make a call to all the right > people. Just tell them you were under the influence of the evil Soupy Sales. Then read a commercial for "new Play Putty by Chloroform" and roll around on the floor at how hilarious this blooper Kermit Schaefer said you said was. Then realize that if you're controlled by Soupy Sales and Soupy Sales is controlled by Kermit Schaefer and Kermit Schaefer is controlled by Jim Henson's clenched hand and Jim Henson's hand is dead like the rest of him, that this is somehow creepy, and explain it to the parents until they start slowly backing away from you because you're a goth or something. Either that or just use the chloroform on them. Remember, it's not a prescription item, it's just a common industrial solvent used for gluing plastic, so it's legal to carry around a gallon of it. > There was a girl at school today who told me that she wanted > black tennis shoes because her white ones got so dirty so fast, but > she isn't allowed to wear any black because it is "goth." See? All you have to do is wear black and they'll stay away from you. I recommend a nun's outfit. Maybe even one made of cloth, for that retro look. > Her dad is the new pastor at the church down the street from the > school. Yeah, I'm sure you have to be really careful about those > black tennis shoes. Or you could show up wearing Chuck Taylor All-Stars, blue dungarees, and a red satin windbreaker just like that terrifying James Dean in "Rebel Without A Cause" and then you could go around saying "I am without cause! Just like the Big Bang!" > I almost wore black pants today. Guess she would have been scared of > me if I had. Seriously, like I've offered before, if you want me to show up and put the fear of Me into people, just send me a plane ticket. Plus another for my jacket so it can have a seat where it won't get wrinkled. -- K. I want to know why they're called "playing cards" when there's no such thing as "recording cards". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Educational Games Date: Fri, 07 Oct 2005 17:17:46 -0400 [concerning a "Finding Nemo" card game] Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > > > I cannot use any regular cards. Seriously. We have a big wacky > > > fundamentalist contingent around here in hickville and many of them > > > think that playing cards is EEEEVIL. So if they look like Uno cards, > > > that's fine. If they look like poker cards, they are of the devil. > > > > But "Finding Nemo" stars talking fish! It's an offense to God to > > show fish making wacky wisecracks because fish don't have souls! > > I'll just tell them that I have it on good authority that Nemo > accepted that God had returned him home and became a Christian. Well, it's lucky for you that Snopes.com today linked to this important article about what happens to cute little baby orange fish... [apnews.excite.com] -> -> Ala. Church Youth Swallow Live Goldfish -> -> Oct 6, 6:14 PM (ET) -> -> FLORENCE, Ala. (AP) -- The First Assembly of God Church has a -> Fear Factor ministry that lets youths swallow live goldfish in -> order to teach them about fear. I think it mostly teaches the fish about fear. FEAR THE FOOLISH HUMANS! -> "We need to be realistic about what the Bible says about fear -> and not be afraid to share our faith in school," youth minister -> Anthony Martin told the TimesDaily in a story Thursday. "We -> can't let that fear rule our lives." "Many people are unable to bring themselves to be cruel to animals or perform in a carnival sideshow!" -> Martin said the ministry's participants are between the ages of -> 14 and 21 and that they had to get their parents to sign a -> waiver to be involved. -> -> "Fear Factor" is a reality TV show in which contestants compete -> by participating in dangerous activities or by eating -> stomach-turning foods for cash prizes. And then, if they eat the horse rectum, they go to Heaven! No, wait, that would be too stupid even for "Fear Factor". -> "Through this ministry, kids are surrendering their lives to -> Jesus and developing a deeper relationship with Jesus," Martin -> said. "The method of the ministry that we use to bring people is -> going to change, but the message is going to stay consistent." "The message is that Jesus hates goldfish. That's why he multiplied all those loaves and fishes, just so he could kill the same fish over and over. He was thinking of his favorite 'Itchy & Scratchy' cartoon where an infinite number of Scratchies are coming out of the cloning machine directly into the killing machine. Jesus never misses 'The Simpsons' 'cause he's got TiVo." -> In teaching the lesson about fear, participants in last week's -> round were asked to pull a number -- between one and three -- from -> a bowl that would indicate how many live Comet goldfish would be -> swallowed. Oh no! The kids are eating one of Santa's flying goldfish! This is going to ruin that part of the Bible that talks about Santa's sleigh! -> Martin said 12 of the almost 20 young people who participated -> advanced to this week's round of activities, which involved -> undoing chains and getting out of a real coffin, with the eight -> fastest advancing. The final four will compete for $250 by the -> ministry's final week. Okay, okay, I think we've found the subtext here. As usual with Weird Church-Time Activities For Teenage Boys, suddenly the article mentions bondage gear. Getting the kids chained up was probably the whole point of it for the nutty ol' dude. Also probably spanking with a Ping-Pong paddle. And enemas. -> Paula Keeton, manager of Pet Depot, which sold the fish, said -> she considers the church's action as animal cruelty. -> -> "It's against our policy to sell to people if the animal will be -> killed," Keeton told the TimesDaily. "To me, it's the same as -> taking a dog or cat and killing it in front of a group of -> children." No, it the same as killing it _inside_ a group of children. -> Martin maintains that the children are not forced to participate -> and there is no peer pressure involved. "When Jesus wants you to do stupid game-show stunts, it's not peer pressure, because Jesus isn't you peer, you sinful little twerps!" And now back to Paula and me... > > [...], and explain it to the parents until they start slowly > > backing away from you because you're a goth or something. > > But then nobody would play with me and I would be eating lunch all by > myself! You gonna tape a kick me sign to my butt while you're at it? Are you saying the kids don't like goths either? What, are they all emo instead of goth? Or worse, are they boho? I'm currently doing a sociological study of eBay culture. Apparently in the world of eBay, every single article of clothing is named a "BNWT DIY OOAK RETRO PUNK EMO GOTH BOHO POSS GAY INT LQQK". Unless it's magenta, in which case it's "BNWT DIY OOAK RETRO PUNK EMO GOTH BOHO POSS GAY INT LQQK HPK". > > Either that or just use the chloroform on them. Remember, it's not > > a prescription item, it's just a common industrial solvent used for > > gluing plastic, so it's legal to carry around a gallon of it. > > I'm not carrying a gallon of anything around unless it's yummy to > drink. Chloroform is right out. It's supposedly poisonous if you drink it. But that has no bearing on whether or not it's yummy. As you know, poison is the yummiest candy! > > [...] > > > > Or you could show up wearing Chuck Taylor All-Stars, blue dungarees, > > and a red satin windbreaker just like that terrifying James Dean > > in "Rebel Without A Cause" and then you could go around saying > > "I am without cause! Just like the Big Bang!" > > But I am not without cause. My cause is to defeat the shitheads that > emotionally terrorize their classmates by offering a place to play at > lunch recess where you don't have to worry if you have enough friends, > the right friends, the right clothes or anything else and there is an > adult not afraid to kick asses and take names right there to make sure > nobody bugs you. Card and dice games are perfect, then, 'cause the kids who are trying to be thugs will stay the hell away from anything that involves things with numbers on them -- EWW, DICE ARE MATH! -- or involves any rules that don't guarantee the biggest muscles win. Don't do "Skeeter". > It actually amazes me how many of the boys who are usually getting > in trouble at recesses show up to play the games and get along just > fine with everyone. I wonder if they actually are relieved to find > a place where they don't have to be all badass and worry about their > reputation and everything and can just let have some fun without > complicated social implications. A lot of the nerdy kids > will come over and just hang out or read or do homework in the same > area. It's probably nice for them to be in an environment where > someone will come to their defense if they start getting teased about > wanting to read or do homework instead of throwing basketballs at > people. The kids who get picked on learn really early not to go off any be by themselves because they know that bullies have nothing better to do than to track them down, especially if they're way out in the back of beyond where it'll be even easier to get away with beating them up. So the kids learn to stay within sight-distance of the neutral kids. The bullied kids will hang out on the periphery of the large group of neutral kids. There was a recent study where they observed middle-school students through hidden cameras and the researchers concluded that the neutral kids shouldn't be trusted because they were all actually on the side of the bullies. But this was in a European school, so it might actually have been entirely filled with evil kids, unlike American schools which still have a few kids who believe in morality, justice, and all that other Superman/Jack Webb/Adam West crap. They say TV's bad for kids, but _I_ learned all about right and wrong from Superman, Joe Friday, Batman, and Captain Kirk. Except that Captain Kirk kept beating up women. But otherwise I learned that the good guys always win and the bad guys can always be captured without having to shoot them, you can get 'em if you just browbeat them until they let you take them to jail without a trial. Older superhero shows always tended to emphasize that the heros were morally superior to everyone else. Modern ones tend to have heros who have exactly the same heartless face-kicking ability as the bad guys except somehow the fights only come out one way even though the two participants are equally matched. Man, I miss the days when TV characters had philosophies. -- K. Captain Kirk's philosophy included "kissing her before punching her in the face makes it okay." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Educational Games Date: Tue, 11 Oct 2005 01:41:22 -0400 [on swallowing goldfish for Jesus] Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > -> Paula Keeton, manager of Pet Depot, which sold the fish, said > -> she considers the church's action as animal cruelty. > -> > -> "It's against our policy to sell to people if the animal will be > -> killed," Keeton told the TimesDaily. "To me, it's the same as > -> taking a dog or cat and killing it in front of a group of > -> children." > > Yeah, right. They have big tanks of feeder fish because people like > to buy them for the fun of feeding them. That's different. They're feeding fish to other fish, so that makes it okay. Fish eating fish is not only natural but mandatory according to the dictionary definition that you are what you eat (Webster's International Cannibal Edition.) There, now I've proved cannibalism. I humbly accept the Nobel Prize For Cannibalism. The question of whether the "you" in "you are what you eat" refers to an individual or an entire species still needs to be settled to determine whether autocannibalism is better then, merely as good as, regular everyday cannibalism. So, anyway, it's not okay for you to eat fish. But fish cakes are okay, because they're just made from mashed potatoes and plaster. -- K. Fish cakes are my favorite type of fish, because they're so perfectly un-fish-like. I also like deep-fried flounder, but I haven't had it since the local Ground Round closed. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Educational Games Date: Fri, 07 Oct 2005 23:27:16 -0400 Earlier today, I wrote: > > They say TV's bad for kids, but _I_ learned all about right and wrong > from Superman, Joe Friday, Batman, and Captain Kirk. Except that > Captain Kirk kept beating up women. But otherwise I learned that > the good guys always win and the bad guys can always be captured > without having to shoot them, you can get 'em if you just browbeat > them until they let you take them to jail without a trial. The different phases of TV moralism -- from absolutism to relativism -- are nicely illustrated by the various incarnations of "Star Trek". I made this up on a short subway ride: GENERIC, ALL-PURPOSE "STAR TREK: THE ORIGINAL SERIES" PARODY NAZI GUY We must kill everyone from the Planet Of The Jews! JEW GUY We must kill everyone from the Planet Of The Nazis! NAZI GUY Kill the Jews! JEW GUY Kill the Nazis! CAPTAIN KIRK Heh-heh-heh, you're both wrong! And if you don't stop fighting, the Klingons will come and enslave your planet! So the Federation's taking over, see. We're going to install a Vulcan governor, see. Now I want the two of you to start loving each other. Shake hands and become best friends or I'll shoot! LT. UHURA Captain, I don't understand, because I'm just a woman. CAPTAIN KIRK You see, due to human nature, this planet went astray when both sides fell under the influence of the Devil. One side had the Bible, and they refused to share it with the other, although they had the Pledge Of Allegiance, and we've learned that you can't have good without having both the Bible and the Pledge of Allegiance. MR. SPOCK Truly a comment on the human condition. The fact that I have none of your human emotions makes me very happy. (ALL LAUGH.) GENERIC, ALL-PURPOSE "STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION" PARODY NORTHERN IRISH GUY We must kill all the Irishmen from the southern half of the Galaxy! SOUTHERN IRISH GUY We must kill all the Irishmen from the northern half of the Galaxy! NORTHERN IRISH GUY Kill the Northrish! SOUTHER IRISH GUY Kill the Southrish! CAPTAIN PICARD Shame on you, you're both wrong. But our holiest of sacred Constitutional laws, the Prime Directive, prohibits the Federation Of Benevolence from being involved in your internal dispute so as not to influence your culture in any way. Therefore, we have destroyed your farms, hospitals, and schools and unless you people settle all your differences you won't receive Federation aid. WESLEY Captain, I don't understand, because I'm just a teenager. CAPTAIN PICARD According to ancient Earth mythology, they made their own bed, now they must lie in it. The only way to help these people is to give them as little help as possible. That's why I had Chief Engineer LaForge use the Primary Lateral Neutrinopause to blow up their poorly-justified civil institutions. Thank God we have abandoned religion and evolved beyond the moral capacity of those puny Twentieth Century people who poisoned their minds by watching television. Now we're the best! (ALL LOOK GRIM.) GENERIC, ALL-PURPOSE "STAR TREK: VOYAGER" PARODY KRUNTILOK PERSON OF THE ELEVENTH GENDER Kill all the Wumberlax! WUMBERLAX PERSON OF THE TWELFTH GENDER Kill all the Kruntiloks! CAPTAIN JANEWAY If you don't act civil I'm going to spank both of you and send you to your rooms. To teach you both a lesson I'm going to blow up this entire solar system. Computer, activate Voyager's self-destruct circuit. Time factor: Two thousand seconds exactly, from... now. COMPUTER Two thousand. Nineteen ninety-nine. Nineteen ninety-eight. Nineteen ninety-seven... (TIME PASSES WHILE THE HOLOGRAPHIC DOCTOR SINGS "TWO THOUSAND BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL" WITH A ROBOTIC CLONE OF TONY RANDALL.) COMPUTER Three... two... one... malfunction, malfunction. TUVOK Captain, at the instant of detonation we were stuck by spontaneous space lightning from an invisible interdimensional rift in Offscreen Sector Zeta. It absorbed the force of the explosion, repaired all of our injuries, and travelled back in time to cause the Kruntiloks and Wumberlax to have never existed in the first place. CAPTAIN JANEWAY Yes... but what have we learned? SEVEN OF NINE This has been a truly pointless endeavor. (ALL HOLD STILL WAITING FOR THE FADE-OUT.) GENERIC, ALL-PURPOSE "STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE" PARODY AL-XAEDA TERRORIST Foolish humans! You cannot stop us from blowing up your Earth Trade Center! CAPTAIN ARCHER You underestimate the boundless potential humanity will have in the coming centuries which I have already seen thanks to these futuristic "DVDs" which fell through a time warp, depicting the further adventures of several ships named "Enterprise". AL-XAEDA TERRORIST Bah! You cannot even make me tell you where the bomb is, because your puny Earth morality prohibits you from torturing me! And yet you must torture me or everyone in the Universe will die! I double dare you to torture me, because I know you can't! CAPTAIN ARCHER Wrong again, Alien Einstein. This isn't "Star Trek", this is reality! (To PHLOX:) You're the ship's doctor. Pull out his eyeballs with pickle forks, then show them to everyone. DR. PHLOX Every day is an adventure! I'll just suppress my bad feelings about this by licking one of my holistic space earthworms. (ALL LOOK OUT THE HDTV-SHAPED WINDOW, TOWARDS THE FUTURE THAT WE SAW BACK IN THE DAYS OF CARDBOARD SPACESHIPS.) -- K. And this is the 87th time I've said I can never again write a facile "Star Trek" parody. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: One more thing about a person's health, mental or otherwise. Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 16:40:41 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > [...] I completely sincerely don't care about you one way or the > other except as a means to my own amusement. I don't like you, > I don't dislike you, you are basically just an unsolved Rubik's cube > to me. Most likely I won't solve you any time soon, but it relieves > the tedium to pick you up from time to time and give you a few twists. I hope you're not expecting to experience six different levels of euphoria in sequence -- as described in the instruction book -- when you get one side, two sides, three sides, etc. solved. Because you're more likely than not going to accidentally get all six sides solved before finding a way to get exactly five sides solved, and skipping Stage Five Euphoria means you will _never_ reach Nirvana and will spend the rest of your life a shattered, broken soul with weird hand cramps. > [...] > > My poor memory is beyond dispute. While we're on the subject of > genetics and cognition, Alzheimer's disease runs in my family (as > does diabetes, deafness and macular degeneration), "You have diabetes... and Alzheimer's." "Well, at least I don't have diabetes!" > so it's a tossup as to whether my memory lapses are mostly due > to precursor symptoms of my eventual decay or just not giving > enough of a damn to pay attention. Flip a coin and make your > own determination. A Rubik's Cube flipping a coin? I think you've just invented a new branch of mathematics for Douglas Hofstadter to write political satire about. -- K. I hear Rubik just invented a new cube with seven sides and spikes that pop out into your eyeballs if you try to throw it away without solving it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo fired the Death Ray, again. Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 17:04:45 -0400 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > This time he took out poor Nipsey Russel I was wondering why nobody had pointed that out yet. I mean, he died a whole day ago. The article you blamed was something I wrote on April 12: -> -> So, the question is: If I were to cultivate an accent just to help -> people realize how abnormal I am, which should I go with? Brooklynese? -> Russian? Finnish? Esperanto? Orkan? Thetan? Tasmanian Devil? Manson? -> Great Gildersleeve? Ted Cassidy? Nipsey Russell? Valentine Dyall? -> Shatner? Esperanto Shatner? Esperanto Manson? Pee-wee Shatner? Hmm, I think all those people are dead now except Shatner and Pee-wee Shatner. Well, Charles Manson is still alive, but he doesn't count because he's crazy. So if I want to talk like Valentine Dyall, do I need to start smoking? Or can I just learn to do that voice by watching that action movie where Harvey Fierstein fought the evil Valentine Dyall? You know, that one that was never released because the hero accidentally kissed the supervillain? -- K. It would have flopped anyway because the trailer merely referred to him as "a supervillain" and not "an evil supervillain". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo fired the Death Ray, again. Date: Fri, 07 Oct 2005 17:25:39 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > OK, am I imagining nonexistent game shows again, or perhaps confusing one > with the Flip Wilson Show? I don't see a title I recognize as what I'm > picturing in Russel's IMDB credits, unless maybe it was "What's My Line?" > Was there one where the panelists came from behind a white screen on > stage left (or I guess you call that stage right on television) and > Nipsey would come out and recite a poim like Henry Gibson on Laugh-In? Nipsey Russell was on _every_ game show. Well, except "Queen For A Day". He'd make up little poems every time. I mostly saw him on "Password" and "Match Game", but he was on plenty of other shows too. He was one of that cadre of '70s pseudo-celebrities who was on lots and lots of game shows and nothing else. Shows with "celebrity" panels like "Match Game", "To Tell The Truth", and "What's My Line?" consisted of a healthy mix of people who were famous for no reason and people who had once been on a sitcom and were now transforming themselves into people who were famous for no reason by doing enough game shows to make people forget they had once had an actual role (i.e. Charles Nelson Reilly. Kitty Carlisle. Richard Dawson.) I was always mesmerized by the bad hair on "Liar's Club", particularly any episode that had both Rod Serling and William Shatner. Charles Nelson Reilly couldn't hold a candle to their toupees. At least not without causing a massive bonfire. -- K. The only one of those "game show people" who escaped and went on to greater success was Fannie Flagg, whose shtick on "Match Game" was that she wore goofy sweaters with sequins. Then she wrote "Fried Green Tomatoes", which apparently someone thought was the greatest book ever. I dunno, I won't try reading it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo fired the Death Ray, again. Date: Thu, 06 Oct 2005 20:18:49 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > > > > > This time he took out poor Nipsey Russel > > > > I was wondering why nobody had pointed that out yet. I mean, he died > > a whole day ago. > > To post obits, you'd better hustle > 'Cause I didn't know about Nipsey Russel. That's what would have saved "Space: 1999", if Barbara Bain hadn't played Dr. Helena Russell but Dr. Nipsey Russell. Then she'd have to still say the same stupid stuff about how X-rays show that so-and-so now has three brains in is skull and the second one's made of antimatter and the third one's made of anti-brain, but she'd have to deliver it in the form of a rappin' couplet just like if Shakespeare were in outer space and black and a woman and on a bad TV show and wearing white go-go boots. Except Dr. Nipsey Russell would run out of rhymes for "Eagle" after the eighth scene of one exploding that week. That should could just have been simplified to a shot of a bunch of really nice spaceship models being tossed into a sack and then blown up en masse. 'Cause Gerry Anderson really loved the explodo-porn. It wasn't about plot. It was about seeing toys go boom! BOOOOOOOM!!! (DISCO MUSIC.) COMMANDER KOENIG The aliens are using their Blue Ray to counteract our Red Field! The Moon's exploding again! DR. NIPSEY RUSSELL Aliens blew up my hydroponic garden, so more veg to eat, only larden. (ALL THE EAGLES EXPLODE ONE BY ONE, THEN THE MOON BURSTS INTO FLAMES.) COMMANDER KOENIG Wait! The Moon's entering a Sparkle Zone! If we all hold perfectly still, it will make time go backwards so that we never exploded! DR. NIPSEY RUSSELL We were dead, but now we're not, this script's even dumber than snot. (ONE BY ONE ALL THE EAGLES UN-EXPLODE. THE MOON STOPS BURNING.) COMMANDER KOENIG Little did we understand the interaction of the Blue Ray with the Red Field in the Sparkle Zone. But think about the eternal infinitude of that Space Brain. DR. NIPSEY RUSSELL Space brain it may be, space brain it are, gimme money and color the way to my car! (DISCO MUSIC.) -- K. I would call this "Match Game: 1999" but an early "Saturday Night Live" already did a hilarious "Jeopardy: 1999" where everyone wore a "Star Trek" uniform and a white Afro and didn't remember there was ever a Chevy Chase. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo fired the Death Ray, again. Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 18:14:01 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > > > > > This time he took out poor Nipsey Russel > > > > I was wondering why nobody had pointed that out yet. I mean, he died > > a whole day ago. > > Yabbut it was really hard to tell at first if he was actually dead. Just because Bob Hope fooled the world hundreds of times is no reason to think that Nipsey Russell might be trying to trick us. Besides, we still have Brett Somers, Charles Nelson Reilly, Fannie Flagg, and Richard Dawson to think about. We need them all to die so that the late Gene Rayburn can host "Match Game '05" from beyond the grave with an exciting all-undead cast. Actually, it might not be called "Match Game '05", there might be separate "Match Game Heaven" and "Match Game Hell" versions. What are some of the questions in Match Game Hell? I'm glad you asked. Here's one: Dumb Donald was SOOOOOO dumb, he tried to make bathtub gin from a bathtub and a deck of playing BLANKs. Sounds just like a regular "Match Game" question, doesn't it? But there's a difference. In Match Game Hell, that question would last five trillion years. -- K. How do you make Gene Rayburn cross with just one match? Light it on his cranial ridge! "RRR! FIRE HOT!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Bad movie news! Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 17:29:27 -0400 Who says Hollywood's run out of ideas? [www.comingsoon.net] -> -> Vanguard Films has pre-emptively acquired the feature comedy Gnomes! -> from writers Micah Herman and Kyle Newman, says The Hollywood -> Reporter. The duo also are slated to co-direct the project. -> -> The story centers on a boy who discovers that the garden gnomes in -> his backyard actually are alive. When he starts to suspect that his -> mom's new suitor is a gnome-eating troll, the boy enlists the -> gnomes' help. So, in other words, it's just "Baby Geniuses" except with gnome heads pasted on the dancing baby midgets. Or worse, a remake of Stan Winston's "A Gnome Named Gnorm" only this time without the stellar cast of Anthony Michael Hall and Claudia Christian helping the hand puppet fight crime. The only funny thing in that movie was Claudia Christian's pronunciation of "gnome" as "guh-nu-ku-lar". -> The movie's format -- live action, animated or a combination of the -> two -- has yet to be determined. Well, they should just go ahead and start filming anyway. The easiest course of action to find out how to make this movie be not idiotic would be to just make the movie, release it, and wait for Gene Shalit to tell them how they could have made it not suck. Then do a re-make. I should also warn everyone that there will be a new trailer for "Curious George: The Movie" in a couple days. Stay home, lock your doors, unplug your TV, and remember, I had nothing to do with whatever font they're using in the trailer. I heard they were originally going to have Warren Beatty playing The Man In The Yellow Hat but he showed up for work with a hat that was too yellow. -- K. I bet soon they'll try doing something really stupid, like making a "24" movie that's only ninety minutes long. It'll end twenty-two and a half hours before Jack Bauer can find which Stanley Cup game the pound of antimatter is hidden in! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Kinkiest bomb threat ever! Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 18:34:57 -0400 [www.azcentral.com] -> -> Soldier tried fake mouth-bomb in heist -> -> David L. Teibel and Heidi Rowley -> Tucson Citizen -> Oct. 4, 2005 12:00 AM -> -> TUCSON -- An Army sergeant based at Fort Huachuca walked into a -> bank Monday, his mouth covered in duct tape, and presented a -> note saying he had a bomb in his mouth, police said. "Hand over the money quickly -- I have the getaway car up my ass!" -> Sgt. Jeffry Leon Lewis Jr., 33, was arrested after the 9:30 a.m. -> incident at a Wells Fargo bank branch in Tucson. Police found no -> explosives in his mouth, backpack, vehicle or on the grounds -> around the bank, Tucson police Sgt. Mark Robinson said. -> -> [...] -> -> The officers "rushed the suspect," took him into custody, walked -> him to a metal rail fence away from other people, handcuffed him -> to one of the rails and backed away. They recognized him by the -> tape on his mouth, Robinson said. If this were an episode of "The Adventures Of Superman", he would have hired six underworld lowlifes to walk around Metropolis all day with duct tape over their mouths and then Superman would be unable to catch the brainy supervillain for fear of arresting an innocent man. Of course, if this were an episode of "Dragnet", Jack Webb would explain that any underworld lowlife who earned his money by wearing a duct-tape gag couldn't possibly be an innocent man. -> "It was very brave (of the officers) to separate him from the -> public," he said. "They really were faced with a situation that -> they had to take immediate action on and they made the choice to -> put themselves in harm's way." -> -> A bomb squad robot removed the tape. Robinson said once the tape -> was taken off, Lewis spat out an unidentified object, which was -> not an explosive device. Was it that thing that Willie Whistle kept in his mouth all morning on Channel 38? I'm going to write to "Ask The Manager" to ask that Willie Whistle's mouth be duct-taped shut. And nose. DEAR CHANNEL 38 PLEASE BRING BACK WILLIE WHISTLE SO WE CAN TAPE HIM UP GOOD. -> [...] -> -> Robinson said he did not know why the man launched the bizarre -> robbery, whether he got into the bank's vault, whether he got -> any money or, if so, how much and whether it was recovered. Cue Jack Webb: "You don't know much about anything, do you?" All I know is that if your fetish is for photos of guys kneeling with their hands behind their back cuffed to fences while a robot rips the duct-tape gag off their mouth, this story's good for you. See the photo at http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/articles/1004bomb.html or http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_09_bomb_in_mouth.jpg It's like "Saturn 3", except if Farrah Fawcett had a bomb duct-taped to the inside of her eyelid. And was a black man. But in any case he must have more acting talent than Farrah. Didn't there used to be a poster where she was in that same pose? Of course, it was just a rip-off of one Bettie Page did, but still, I bet Dave Foley covers his TV screen with that poster whenever "Logan's Run" and "Saturn 3" aren't on. -- K. DEAR NEWSPAPER PLEASE POST MORE PHOTOS OF KNEELING GUYS BEING MOUTH-RAPED BY R2D2. NO WEIRDOS. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kinkiest bomb threat ever! Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 19:09:56 -0400 I just wrote: > > [www.azcentral.com] > -> > -> TUCSON -- An Army sergeant based at Fort Huachuca walked into a > -> bank Monday, his mouth covered in duct tape, and presented a > -> note saying he had a bomb in his mouth, police said. Other reports of this important event: [www.kold.com] => => Police responded to a silent alarm. They handcuffed Lewis to a fence, => and then the bomb squad sent in a robot to remove duct tape from his face. "And then they sent in a robot to remove duct tape from his face" is such a cliche'. Half the stories about Kirk and Spock end with that sentence. [www.svherald.com] -> -> "He spit out whatever it was he had in his mouth." Robinson said. -> "It wasn't an explosive. It was soggy." Well, that rules out a Rice-Chex-based bomb. Maybe he was trying to re-create a classic Woody Allen moment and he had gum in his mouth but in the note he misspelled "gub" as "bomb". I turned up a few larger versions of the soon-to-be-classic photo... Now with Kubrickian framing! http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_09_bomb_in_mouth_2.jpg Now you're getting way too close! You can see stubble getting ripped out! http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_09_bomb_in_mouth_3.jpg Now decolorized, with special guest star, the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man! http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_09_bomb_in_mouth_4.jpg Why did I name the files "2005_09" instead of "2005_10"? Because it's still last month in my brain. Yay! My brain can travel back in time! I want to know why photo #4 is in black and white. Who still takes B&W photos these days? I thought all newspapers went to full color back in the 1980s so they could print "Garfield" Sunday strips seven days a week. -- K. How come stuff this exciting never happens around here? I never get to see cops in cool blastproof gear except in years the Red Sox don't suck. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Things that don't go well with leather jackets Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 19:44:29 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > 1. Sparkling clean white sneakers. Agreed. Sneakers are for little kids and the children's TV show hosts who lie to them about how special they are from beyond the grave. Wow, that was dark. Shame on you for bringing up Mr. Rogers's rotting corpse. I just said you could visit his gravesite, not start excavating! > 2. Fade denim jeans. Agreed. You'll never see me wearing a pair of jeans which are even remotely blue. Fortunately, they make them in black. > 3. Top Gun patches sown onto the jackets. Agreed, especially if by "sown" you mean "grown from seeds sprouting among the fungus living in the lining of the jacket." > 4. Undercover ticket inspectors. Now hold it right there. All police officers should wear leather jackets, whether or not they're riding their motorcycles on whatever subway you were trying to evade fare on. At least here in Boston the cops ride real Harleys, not Kawasakis like the guys on "CHiPs". And not a different bike every two scenes like Fonzie. Police officers should also wear those leather gloves with a pound of birdshot in each knuckle, and carry real riot batons, not the silly collapsible hollow ones. A Mag-Lite is an acceptable substitute if it's black and takes at least 9 "D" batteries -- no "AA" flashlights! German motorcycle cops recently changed from grass green leatherwear to grass green Gore-Tex. I think to compensate for that, British cops should change from the fluorescent lime green Gore-Tex to fluorescent lime green leather. Oh, and those Luxembourgian traffic cops with the "Deep Space Nine" outfits should all carry phasers. And the country should just shorten its name to "Borg". At least I think it's Luxembourg where they have the black jumpsuits with the red shoulders. But I can't find any photos to confirm I'm not confusing it with some other country too small to exist in photographs. All I could find was a photo of a candy-coated Eurobike with nobody on it: http://membres.lycos.fr/motardspm/hpbimg/LUXEMBOURG%20BMW%20R%201150.jpg mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_10_luxembourg_cycle.jpg Andrew Pearson, could you please tell me whether or not Luxembourg motorcycle police wear "Star Trek" uniforms? And could you tell lycos.fr that the Web standards say I'm supposed to be allowed to represent spaces in filenames as either "%20" or "+" so I can make the above link look less weird? Anyway, Tim, sorry you got busted for forgetting to pay for the subway ride. Maybe next time you should consider just walking across Australia. The country's really not so big if you take a shortcut right across the middle. There's a restroom at the top of Ayers Rock, right? -- K. So, Tim, if you don't like "Top Gun" jackets, how _would_ you dress your local undercover police officers? And what about undercover cowboys and undercover construction workers? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Things that don't go well with leather jackets Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 21:11:15 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now hold it right there. All police officers should wear leather > > jackets, whether or not they're riding their motorcycles on whatever > > subway you were trying to evade fare on. > > I did pay my fare on the tram, I even have a monthly zone 1 ticket and I > got a voucher for a free cup of coffee. Here you can get a Twilight Zone ticket but only if you take the Boylston Shuttle from the lower level of Copley through the tunnel under the Charles River. I keep meaning to walk over to the offices of the Atlantic Monthly and complain about what they did to that story. If they'd left the London subway station names alone, the story wouldn't have seemed so obviously insane. > No one tried the "not in those shoes" line on the inspectors this time > though. Try singing two bars of "Y-M-C-A" at them. I'm sure cops love that. Also you should be wearing a chicken costume or be an elephant, so that this can lead to a new nichtlustig.de panel. Yes, I read German comic strips. Except for the German version of "Fred Basset". That one sucks in any language. Note that the guy who draws it has been dead over ten years and still nobody's noticed they're all re-runs. Fans of "Fred Basset", if any, keep reading it day after day desperately hoping that today will be the day it contains a punchline, or a straight line, or anything happening, but nothing ever does. Also Fred Basset needs more scenes in morgues, and a guy trapped inside a wall. Come to think of it, "Peanuts" should do that too. Charlie Brown should be boarded up in one of the walls of Snoopy's doghouse, and Schroeder should have Beethoven's actual corpse on top of his tiny piano. And Garfield should just choke to death on a hairball. I'm sorry, but he's just not as funny as the Junior Jumble. Or the coverage of terrorist bombings. Garfield's so unfunny that newspapers could use the space to reprint reports about the Lindberg baby, or old diagrams of Ronald Reagan's prostate. Or anything else that's not Fred Basset. -- K. Fred Bassett and Garfield combined are still only half as funny as Mary Worth. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dear Nigeria, Part Two Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 19:48:49 -0400 Dear Nigeria: I told you before, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Should your country send me one more scam, I will fine the bogus E-mail address it was sent from twenty-five cents. There, that oughta stop them forever! Also please tell China that nobody reads Chinese outside of China. Thank you. -- K. How come I never get spammed by Canadians? Oh, right, the whole polite and civilized thing. It makes me so mad that they're better than we are! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear Nigeria, Part Two Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 06:16:19 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Dear Nigeria: > > > > [...] > > Should your country send me one more scam, I will fine the bogus E-mail > > address it was sent from twenty-five cents. > > Can I use your bank account to sneak that 25¢ out of the country? > You can keep 50% of it. Sure! Just fly to my local airport and bring it to me in person. My goons will treat you to a delightful smorgasbord instead of socking you over the head with a sock filled with pennies and throwing you in the trunk of a Studebaker and demanding the remaining twelve and a half cents as ransom, plus a third of a cent interest. You can believe me when I say you will _not_ be kidnapped because kidnappers like me never lie. And if you act now, you can also buy this special solvent which can turn newspaper soaked in motor oil into brand new, never-gotten-dirty- in-the-first-place currency! I don't have time to demonstrate the whole process now, but here's a sample of currency I cleaned earlier today, isn't it lovely? Also, you'll get an In-The-Shell Egg Scrambler! All you need is an egg plus an extra shell. Mash the egg through this tiny port here, strain out some of the shell fragments, then shake up the slurry and pour it into your spare eggshell and glue the eggshell shut and presto, you've scrambled an egg without making a mess! _Now_ how much will your ransom be? But wait! There's more! Fly to my local airport within the next ten minutes and you'll receive this delightful wall clock that sings the "Meow Mix" jingle every ten seconds! The clock is simple to use, with none of those confusing "off" switches! And the batteries never run down because it's nuclear! Do it now! -- K. You're not supposed to know this, but I'm also a Fizzbin shark. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear Nigeria, Part Two Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 07:21:27 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Sure! Just fly to my local airport and bring it to me in person. > > My goons will treat you to a delightful smorgasbord instead of socking > > you over the head with a sock filled with pennies and throwing you in > > the trunk of a Studebaker and demanding the remaining twelve and a half > > cents as ransom, plus a third of a cent interest. You can believe me when > > I say you will _not_ be kidnapped because kidnappers like me never lie. > > [...] sounds like a hoot! Are you applying to be a goon, or the party entertainment? 'Cause if you want to be a goon, I'll have to see a resume. And it better be strong in "bone-cracking", "grenade-lobbing", and "applied coercion" (none of that theoretical coercion.) You'll also have to provide a transcript of your GAT score -- if you haven't yet taken the Goon Aptitude Test, lean on your guidance counselor until he tells you about it. Also, bring pennies for socks. Now, if you want to be party entertainment, you will fall out at 0600 hours, wearing a helmet liner and carrying a spoon, unless you get that reference, in which case you should just feel very ashamed. Otherwise there are some release forms you'll have to sign, all in blood, especially the one which authorizes us to take your blood. Some of your blood may eventually be returned to you, along with part of one of your shoelaces and half your driver's license. You will grant us power of attorney and power of Superman with better fashion sense. (Superman would look so much better in a ski mask.) Also, bring clean socks for our filthy pennies. Do you agree that the word "filthy" is a fun word to say? -- K. "Dirty" is a silly word, no matter how hard you lean on it -- "dirrrrrrrrrty" -- but "filthy", now that's a word with zing. Shame on you if you get that reference too. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear Nigeria, Part Two Date: Thu, 06 Oct 2005 16:21:13 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Are you applying to be a goon, or the party entertainment? > > I was thinking of trying to break into gonzo journalism. Dude, you'll never be able to take enough drugs to do that. Plus I really don't think Sonny Barger wants you hanging around typing on a laptop computer. "But, Sonny! It's hard to update my LiveJournal on this bumpy road! I can't hold onto the sissy bar and type at the same time! Slow down, I almost fell off the bitch seat!" I think that instead you should try clown journalism. That's where you wear party clown makeup and then ask important people serious questions. Then at the end of the interview you pie 'em. Come to think of it, skip the interview. Clown journalism should just consist of you throwing pies at people until they confess their misdeeds. Make those pies sting for justice. -- K. And for once, can someone throw a chocolate cream pie instead of one that's white all the way through? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.bio.misc,sci.med,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: can chicken eggs carry the bird flu virus Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 02:31:04 -0400 In sci.bio.misc and sci.med, Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Saw a PBS program on the bird flue virus and whether it becomes > pandemic. I hear it comes down your chimney unless you close that little thing inside. They should make up a word for that little chimney trap door. > I have a question as to whether chickens found to have bird > flu whether they can transmit the virus into the eggs we eat. If we > ever have a rising epidemic, not pandemic, ...you should be safe because I think this only infects birds and humans. > I would like to know if eggs are safe before going on a all peanut > or nut diet and say the heck with all meat. Dear Nobel Prize Committee, I respectfully nominate Archimedes Plutonium for the Nobel Prize For The Most Perfect Straight Line Ever. Should you require any supplemental documentation as to whether he's on an all-nut diet, I refer you to everything he's ever written. Thank you for your attention regarding this important nutter. And by the way... Have you heard? He's on an all-nut diet! > I hope it never comes to that where I subsist off the food in > my orchards. But who knows, I never would have guessed the Berlin Wall > would come down by 1990s. Arch, the things _you_ couldn't guess could fill half of Germany. > Everyone living off of peanuts and tofu is not so bad. I dunno, I think Hitler disproves your theory. He was a vegetarian (or at least he claimed to be, he did eat a sausage now and then) and I'm pretty sure he _was_ so bad. And since you were just nominated for a Nobel Prize, because Hitler disproved your theory, now Hitler is automatically nominated for the Uber-Nobel Prize For Disproving A Nobel Prize Nominee's Wacky Theory. -- K. And what _are_ you eating under there? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Not even pretending to have integrity Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 02:52:44 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > The local news isn't even pretending to have integrity anymore. > > [...] > > And the topper? It wasn't even in our VIEWING AREA. We had three > minutes spent on CRAP. And how many threes of minutes did you spend posting about it to Usenet? Sorry for eliding most of what you said, but that was easier than reading it. -- K. something something nougatine ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Not even pretending to have integrity Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 19:31:33 -0400 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > I plead the fifth, because whatever response I give, you weirdos will > > just come forth with the opposite to antagonize me. > > FLAWLESS VICTORY!!!!! Lots42 has figured it out. The question is, will > he remember tomorrow. He'll be pretty busy, since for that answer R. Lee Ermey just promoted him to squad leader and assigned him to teach the fat guy how to clean his rifle. Of course, he'll get relieved of that duty once Sgt. Ermey catches Lots sitting on Scott Thompson's lap while they're watching "Full Metal Jacket". Uh oh, I got my "Brain Candy" in your Kubrick. I wonder what makes R. Lee Ermey laugh? He sure didn't crack up during his scenes in "Run Ronnie Run", but that movie couldn't even make Jerry Seinfeld crack up. KRAMER Jerry, I'm sorry, I accidentally murdered Elaine. JERRY (very loudly) OH NO, NOW I AM VERY SAD (starts giggling) SHE'S DEAD! (rolls around on the floor laughing and then Kramer throws the cue cards at him) GEORGE And by the way, Jerry, the National Enquirer just did a story about you cheating on your fourteen-year-old girlfriend with a twelve-year-old. JERRY (very loudly) OH NO, I AM NOW EXTREMELY (giggling) ANNOYED! (laughs so hard a mixture of milk and Superman cereal comes out of his nose) The only way "Run Ronnie Run" would have been funny would have been if it had had both R. Lee Ermey and Scott Thompson in it. Oh, wait, it did. And yet somehow they wasted the world's greatest golden opportunity for comedy that writes itself by not having Sgt. Ermey screaming at Private Thompson while Thompson did push-ups with Ermey on his -- well, let's just say that "Brain Candy" isn't the world's greatest movie, but it sure was funnier than "Run Ronnie Run". I'm not sure whether "Brain Candy" or "Full Metal Jacket" was funnier. "Full Metal Jacket" had some damn funny moments. Kubrick should've made comedies. How come he never made a comedy? He should've done one with James Earl Jones in it. Now that man new funny! Too bad he's been purchased by Verizon and turned into Mickey Mouse. "LOOK! I EXIST!" -- Mickey Mouse -- K. Mickey is such a sell-out. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Not even pretending to have integrity Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 19:01:15 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > I plead the fifth, because whatever response I give, you weirdos will > just come forth with the opposite to antagonize me. Are you saying we're homophobes? -- K. And I plead the sixth, but I seven the sandbox. Your turn, Bert! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kevin Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 03:16:20 -0400 Zixia (abuse@clu.org.uk) wrote: > > [...] > > Take it to e-mail, killfile Leo, leave the group, join a Federal > Protection Program, shut the fuck up. Whatever. No one gives a > shit what made-up threats you've been getting. And if you are a > big enough pussy that you can't take someone telling you they'll > shove an umbrella down your throat and open it, EVEN WITHOUT THE > THREAT OF RAIN, before squirting lemon juice in your eyes but it > isn't really juice it is PEE from someone who drank loads of BBQ > sauce so it attracts Peruvian eye-eating ants who then, somewhat > predictably, EAT YOUR EYES, weeks after you've had LASIK surgery > and you'd just got used to seeing properly again, all because of > the fact you spelt someone's name wrong, even though you had not > really spelt their name wrong it was just that the font used for > the post kinda made it look like it was spelt wrong so it was an > accident all along, then you're in the wrong group. Wait, I was ignoring this whole boring flamewar between two people trying to out-blather each ot