From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Miss Piggy is dead. Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 06:22:18 -0400 The United States Postal Service just introduced a series of stamps featuring everyone's favorite licensed commercial intellectual property, The Muppets. Under American law, this proves that the Muppets must have died at least ten years ago. How did Miss Piggy die? "Valley Of The Dolls"-inspired drug overdose? Made the mistake of using an oil-based body lotion that dissolves foam rubber? Eaten by the Swedish Chef? Committed suicide after sleeping with Tony Clifton? I know they can't show "The Muppet Show" in most of the Middle East because it's offensive to many Muslims to see humans cavorting with -- and even touching -- pigs. Now Americans will be mailing pigs that say "USA 37c" to every corner of the world. HEY, LOOK, WORLD! AMERICA'S AMBASSADOR TO YOU IS A SQUISHY, IMAGINARY PIG! SHE'S THE VERSION OF YODA WHO'S NOT KOSHER! There's also a Swedish Chef stamp Americans can use to let Europe know America thinks Sweden is full of retarded spazzes with foam rubber for brains. Interestingly, they seem to have toned down Animal -- he's not wearing his chains or spiked collar, and furthermore, he's wearing a _white_ T-shirt just to make it clear how much of a Goth he isn't. Unfortunately, the stamps only feature Muppets from "The Muppet Show", not the ones from "Sesame Street", so you can't get your hands on a Lick Me Elmo. Nor can you stick Bert on your Snuffleupagus. Seriously, how could they miss issuing a series of denominations from 1 to 12 featuring the Count? The Postal Service issued something that tried to be a press release but forgot to finish writing itself: [www.usps.gov] -> -> Kermit the Frog viewed the stamps from the Muppets' perspective. -> "On behalf of the Muppets, it is a great honor to be featured on -> our own set of stamps," said Kermit the Frog. "These commemorative -> stamps couldn't have come at a better time -- to celebrate my 50th -> Anniversary, I'm hitting the road next month on a 50-stop World Tour. -> I'll need to send a lot of letters home to Miss Piggy if I want -> to stay in her good graces!" The World Tour will begin October 14 -> in Kermit, TX. "Quote from Kermit, Lisa, Brian, or Dick." Devastating remark about incompetent press-release editing. Obscene reference to Gonzo's nose and that Koozbanian with the blow-hole. Surreal obscurantism purporting to explain something I said earlier that replaces all proper nouns with other, similar ones. -- K. Question about whether Jim Henson would have been on that gay TV show if he didn't have that skunk spot in his hair. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Miss Piggy is dead. Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 07:35:18 -0400 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > There's also a Swedish Chef stamp Americans can use to let Europe > > know America thinks Sweden is full of retarded spazzes with foam > > rubber for brains. > > Have you ever met a Swede? Yeah, when I starred in that porn video. Seriously, I think this stamp marks the first time the US Postal Service has slandered an entire nationality of chefs. I'm sure Sweden must contain at least one person who isn't a spastic chef who throws the ingredients at the ceiling while shouting "BORK BORK BORK!" What do they actually shout? -- K. They don't put Speedy Gonzales on stamps. This is because Mexicans get mad when you stereotype them, while Swedes just make black-and-white movies where they express their outrage through ennui. And then there's Pepe le Pew, because all Americans know that French people are great lovers despite emitting clouds of green stench. Also French people want to have sex with cats. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm glad I didn't get that job in that store now... Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 06:30:35 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, Tim, I assume the police are going to be checking up on you now > > on the theory that you applied for that job just so you could case > > the store and later come back and steal one G-string. > > No coach, I don't wanna play the $5 game! I don't get it. Is this a lost episode of "Sittin' Pretty" where the basketball coach again stands around in Danny DeVito's dorm room while Danny buys G-strings off strippers for $5? Do you know the words to the Palisades Park jingle? I know the words to the "Gaslight Village" jingle, but that one sucks. Here in the U.S., games only cost a quarter, whether or not you're at Palisades Park. Expect for pinball, which is usually fifty cents because pinball is twice as good as any video game. What are these weird Australian games that cost $5 and require you to wear a G-string? -- K. I know the words to the "Sittin' Pretty" theme song. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm glad I didn't get that job in that store now... Date: Sun, 02 Oct 2005 16:05:34 -0400 Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Here in the U.S., games only cost a quarter, whether or not you're > > at Palisades Park. > > Sadly this is 100% NOT TREU. If you can even find a coin-op game > anywhere anymore, it'll probably be $1.00 to start, 50 cents to > continue. Even if it's a busted Ms. Pac-Man cocktail machine that's > been sitting there since 1983 and you can't even see the screen due to > the screen burn-in and the scuffing on the glass where some genius > tried to polish it with Barkeeper's Friend. Wow, you live in a sucky part of the country. Up here all the antique video games I see are 25c. Like, my local bar has an ancient Centipede machine (not the 20th anniversary "Atari Classics", but an actual old sixteen-color Centipede) that would let anyone put quarters into it if they wanted to play it which they don't. There aren't any video arcades around here any more, so you don't see fancy new machines of the super-expensive head-to-head immersive VR awesometacular ho-hum variety. But quarter machines are still tucked into dark corners of bars, bowling alleys, etc. I haven't been to any large amusement parks in a long time, I wouldn't be surprised if they charge extra, those places were always a rip-off. But in my daily life I see nothing but quarter machines. Pinball here is always 50c for the first game (three balls), but it's a toss-up whether the second game is 50c or 25c. I haven't seen the "6 plays for $2" setting in a while (not that I would ever buy 6 before seeing how broken the machine is, because if it's broken I'd be wasting money, and if it's not broken then after the first round I'd wind up with more free games than I could handle.) I miss video/pinball arcades. There are literally none in Boston and Cambridge any more. Teddy Bear Arcade's gone, 1051 Mass Ave. is gone, that one underground near Northeastern's gone, and the Mafiarcade never existed and it'll break your legs if you say it did. At least there's a tiny arcade in Worcester that has two pinball machines (a sucky "Austin Powers" machine and a nice "Simpsons" machine.) The only place around here where I can play non-broken pinball is that one bowling alley that has a brand-new "Sopranos" machine (apparently the lone remaining manufacturer of pinball machines is still putting out one every few years) but that machine is not only pathetically easy, it has the following annoying dialogue: "Hey, where's the freakin' money? ... Hey, where's the freakin' money? ... Hey, where's the BLEEPin' money? ... Hey, where's the freakin' money? ... Hey, where's the BLEEPin' money?" 90% of the speeches consist of the same sentence, the only thing that varies is the method of not swearing. Lousy-ass game. > I stopped at every rest stop along the Palisades Interstate Parkway, > and the only game I found to play was "walk into the woods and pick > delicious wild raspberries". It cost two tokens. Then the forest ranger said, "You don't come here for the raspberries, do you?" -- K. HEY, THOSE ARE FREAKIN' DINGLEBERRIES! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm glad I didn't get that job in that store now... Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 19:16:04 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I know the words to the "Sittin' Pretty" theme song. > > Well, duh! I'll bet you know the theme song to "Small Wonder," too. Always happy to help someone win a sucker bet. From memory: She's a small wonder pretty and bright with soft curls She's a smaaaaall wonder a child unlike other girls She's a miracle and I grantcha she'll enchantcha at first sight She's a smaaaaaaaaall wonder and she'll make your heart take flight lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala Sheeeeeeeeeeeeee's fantastic maaaaade of plastic microchips here and there She's a smaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall wonnnnnnderrrrrrrrrrrr with love and laugh ter ev 'ry where! lalalala! I can't remember the names of the three people it took to write that song. > You've probably watched more bad TV than G-d, and he greenlighted > "Manimal!" Hey, "Sittin' Pretty" wasn't _bad_ TV! Anything with Danny DeVito's involvement is automatically good. I mean, come on, for producing "Pulp Fiction" everything else he ever did gets elevated to honorary good status. Plus, the rest of the movie that was around "Sittin' Pretty" was quite funny, even though it was a TV-movie -- nature's dreariest art form, only about three TV-movies have ever even come out watchable, let alone good. So I heartily endorse "Sittin' Pretty". I propose a marathon of "The Ratings Game", "Tunnelvision", "UHF", "Pray TV" (aka "KGOD"), and "In God We Tru$t". That way you'll get your Andy Kaufman, Paul Reubens, Weird Al, Marty Feldman, Dabney Coleman, Chevy Chase, Billy Barty, and _two_ Michael Richardses (one of them making little kids drink from a firehose.) Note that I did not include "Amazon Women On The Moon" because I'm still sore at Blockbuster for trying to scam me out of an enormous amount of money for promptly returning that tape. Also, the Marty Feldman movie never seems to have been released on home video, so you may have to substitute something else with an Andy Kaufman role, preferably that one where he ruins the St. Patrick's Day parade, and not either of the two things he did where he played a wacky robot. -- K. Oh, and how could I forget "Death To Smoochy"? The only movie ever to have Jon Stewart's exploding head edited out! Mash that movie and "The Ratings Game" together and you've got TOO MUCH DEVITOEY GOODNESS. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm glad I didn't get that job in that store now... Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 19:00:06 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > What are these > > > weird Australian games that cost $5 and require you to wear a > > > G-string? > > > > 'Dungeons And Dragons'. Whoa, Lots, you're confusing codpieces and G-strings. And "Zardoz" with "Dungeons & Dragons". LOOK OUT! DAPHNIA!!! AND BEWARE THE VOLVOX! > > We -tried- to tell them the right way to play that game but did they > > listen? Nooo. Stupid perverted Australians. > > I just saw a very sad commercial. It seems that there is now a book > called Dungeons and Dragons for Dummies. One of the brain trusts talks > about how it helped him create a Level 1 Barbarian (of course he > finished the sentance with "and rising to Epic Level DM", but that's not > nearly as mockable). > > Back in my day, newbies learned by doing what the oldbies told them (ie: > "You shouldn't have a problem helping us kill that basalisk, you are a > mighty [Level 1] warrior, after all"). What channel are you watching that shows commercials for geeky stuff adapted for idiots? And why are you voluntarily inserting yourself into their viewing audience, making you an honorary member of their target demographic of dorky dimwits? And how come you didn't make a single Tom Hanks reference? Or is it in bad taste to suggest that Al-Qaeda's destruction of the World Trade Center is a good thing because it'll prevent any more nerds from killing themselves before they reach the level that allows them to make their own scenarios? I think there should be a sequel to that movie, where Tom Hanks gets addicted to Rubik's Cube and gets institutionalized after he keeps trying to twist parts of people's faces. And then another one where he thinks he's Pac-Man and chases Michael Richards and Melanie Chartoff around but then he snaps out of it when Michael Richards throws a glass of water in his face and then they beat each other with cue cards and then he thinks he's Ferris Bueller but Melanie Chartoff yells at him so loud that Jerry Seinfeld's door explodes and then Michael Richards cries because he can't slam the door open when he comes in from the hallway where the back half of Jerry's refrigerator is. Seriously, does it bother anyone else that part of Jerry's fridge is in the dimension of Zuul? -- K. I bet he eats some perversion of Lucky Charms containing Stay-Puft marshmallows. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Disturbing commercial #20050930a. Date: Fri, 30 Sep 2005 17:07:10 -0400 It's near the end of the month, so it's apparently New Commercial Day. A bunch of dopey new ones have just appeared. One in particular stands out. I've only seen it once, out of the corner of my eye, and my memory of it is a little sketchy due to the trauma it induced, so this is my best reconstruction: Guy is in a meeting in a small, glass-walled office. He says "I just had my gallbladder out," and bites into a Cheese Nips cracker. His body explodes, spraying the glass and everyone else with fluorescent orange cheez from head to foot. They keep eating the crackers. I hope to hell I am somehow misinterpreting this, but I swear the line "I just had my gallbladder out," comes right before the fluorescent orange cheezplozion. Even if I didn't understand that orange cheez is worse than real cheese which is worse than food, I would still find this commercial deeply disturbing. Lesson learned: The gallbladder's function is to keep your body from exploding when you eat icky stuff. I'm sure I'll see this commercial another 50,000 times, so I'll deconstruct it further as it annoys me more. -- K. This is now the second time Cheese Nips have scarred me for life. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing commercial #20050930a. Date: Sat, 01 Oct 2005 02:39:59 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Guy is in a meeting in a small, glass-walled office. He says "I just > > had my gallbladder out," and bites into a Cheese Nips cracker. > > His body explodes, spraying the glass and everyone else with > > fluorescent orange cheez from head to foot. > > I thought it was the bag that exploded, not that guy's body. I sure hope so. But then why the story point about him having an abdominal incision through which a gall bladder was removed? > I'm usually not paying attention because by that point I've been lulled > to sleep by the simulated office small talk. I wish I could pay more attention to cheez, and specifically the propaganda that emanates from the cheez cartels. But I am biological unable to pay attention to cheez. > I'm going to have to count the number of people before and after next > time I see it. Oh, as if there's continuity in these things. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Roasted weenie! Date: Sat, 01 Oct 2005 03:36:11 -0400 Seen on Fark.com. [www.shanghaidaily.com] -> -> Penis burned -- hospital to be sued -> -> Zhang Xiaobin -> -> 2005-09-30 Beijing Time Hooray! For once I got a free Chinese newspaper that's not wrapped around a jar of fermented fish sauce! -> A Mr Kang who went to a private hospital to have foreskin -> resection has lost more than he expected, the Xinmin Evening -> News reported Friday. -> -> Kang, a middle-aged man, read an advertisement and went to a -> private hospital in Jinshan District on September 8. KANG goes to a PRIVATE HOSPITAL. KODOS is a good Communist and goes to a STATE-RUN RE-EDUCATION FACILITY. -> He followed doctor's instruction to take a course of microwave -> "heliotherapy". KANG sticks his penis in the MICROWAVE. KODOS ignores his penis because he must do his part to prevent OVERPOPULATION. -> After one hour, Kang noticed that his penis had been burned black -> and was painful. KANG notices his PENIS. KODOS notices only what he is TOLD to notice by the benevolent Communist regime which never committed any atrocities whatsoever. -> He had difficulty passing water but the doctor had gone off work -> and he could find nobody to help him. KANG has difficulty passing WATER. KODOS always keeps a SELF-CATH kit in his pocket so as not to bother the IMPORTANT DOCTORS. -> On the following day, the doctor tried to treat the -> inflammation and advised Kang to try other hospitals. KANG gets a SECOND opinion. KODOS has NO opinion! Opinions are the sworn enemy of Communist ideology, and all good Communists KNOW that opinions are evil! -> Urologists found that Kang's penis had been so severely -> "cooked" that the burned parts had to be excised reducing the -> size of the penis. KANG's penis is COOKED. KODOS's dim sum is NOT QUITE COOKED, which is the proper way to serve pig pizzle. -> The president of the private hospital admitted an "accident" -> had occurred but asserted that the "operation" had been -> performed according to the instructions set out on the -> "heliotherapy" manual and it was the first time that such an -> accident had occurred, Xinmin said. KANG enjoys HELIOTHERAPY. KODOS enjoys a LOBOTOMY to ensure that he never requests a therapy as stupid as a MICROWAVED PENIS. -- K. Everyone knows you're only supposed to put your penis in the toaster. You have to, because you're not allowed to use your fork to get that bagel unstuck. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Moving men Date: Sat, 01 Oct 2005 03:46:49 -0400 Brendan Blackford Connor (bbconnor@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > Moving men will be here in a couple of hours. They're taking my > stuff. To Moscow. I'll be living there in less than two weeks. Ask me > if I'm nervous. Ask me if I will be cold this winter. That's what you get for openly disagreeing with the Propaganda Vending Machine's most recently-issued weight-and-propaganda card declaring George Bush was "cuddly". You implied he might not be "cuddly", and now you're going to be working at a toilet paper factory in Moscow, where every night you will be strip-searched on the way out to ensure you didn't steal a square for personal use, as the factory only makes toilet paper for Kremlin officials, and the other Russians can only have it when the officials are done with it. My advice: When you get to Russia, tell them you're a Viking. They like Vikings. And give everyone you meet a bottle of vodka, because they like vodka. Also, learn how to say in Russian, "Mold keeps food from tasting bland." So which one of Moscow's 28 professional hockey teams are you going to support? And remember, the KGB knows whether you're rooting for the KGB team. -- K. Didn't you consider moving to a happy, well-adjusted country, like Finland? P.S. GEORGE BUSH IS KNOWN TO BE "CUDDLY" MUCH LIKE TOP-QUALITY TOILET PAPER ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Moving men Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 22:14:09 -0400 Brendan Blackford Connor (bbc@osiris.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Brendan Blackford Connor (bbconnor@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > > > > > [Stuff about leaving] > > > > That's what you get for openly disagreeing with the Propaganda Vending > > Machine's most recently-issued weight-and-propaganda card declaring > > George Bush was "cuddly". You implied he might not be "cuddly", and > > now you're going to be working at a toilet paper factory in Moscow, > > where every night you will be strip-searched on the way out [...] > > Are you psychic? It's not a psychic prediction... it's a promise. You _will_ be strip-searched. Probably before even getting on the plane. The "SSSS" on your airline ticket is short for "SECURITY SCREENING, STRIP SEARCH". Like that photo of the guy yesterday having his oral cavity searched by the robot, except you'd be bending the other way, and the robot would have even colder claws. My advice is to get that John Varley-style Ken-doll surgery that eliminates your bellybutton and anus just to confuse anyone who attempts to do a body-cavity search. ("But officer, I do number two by teleportation! I'm not psychic like Kibo, I just know how to use a toilet through a wall!") > > My advice: When you get to Russia, tell them you're a Viking. > > They like Vikings. > > The best advice I've heard so far. You don't know how sick I am of > people telling me that I should sell cigarettes or jeans. If you were to go that route, you might as well just carry around a sign saying "CLUELESS FOREIGNER". Carry a double-bladed axe instead. Try to maintain the facial expression of that guy on the Gnezdovo pendant. (Upper right: http://www.hermitagemuseum.org/html_En/03/hm3_2_14f.html ) > > Didn't you consider moving to a happy, well-adjusted > > country, like Finland? > > What would be the point? I come from Florida. Oh, a _lifelong_ Commie, huh? -- K. When you get to Moscow, can you send me a new pair of jackboots? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My life: Odder and odder Date: Sat, 01 Oct 2005 19:25:17 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > [...] I drove a 16-penny nail into the top of a few fenceposts, > then snipped the head off with bolt cutters. You "Earth First" eco-terrorists are a menace to the tiny loggers who need to cut down fenceposts to make our nation's toothpicks. I bet you also tried to recycle Gumby. -- K. "Sorry, Gumby, but we need clay to keep the pages of 'Playboy' shiny and moisture-resistant!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My life: Odder and odder Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 16:31:17 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Chiggers. > > You cannot beat them. You can only hope to contain them. > You cannot see them either. That's because you're wearing the pointy white hood backwards. The eye holes go in the front. Why do you hate Chinese people who enjoy rap music? I think you should go listen to Wu-Tang Clan until you become more culturally sophisticated. > I am still undecided as to whether or not I should pave > my ten acres of woods/lawn. Fsck it, I'll even pave the > pond. It'd make a cool street hockey court. Who needs street hockey? Starting tomorrow, there will be real hockey! The NHL will be playing their first actual for-keeps games since year before last, in case the CHL and OHL and AHL and and XHL and MSNHL and those NHL pre-season games weren't good enough for you. > I'm pretty sure chiggers come with rabbits. If you act now, both come with every Hoppy Meal! That's a small bunnyburger, a small fries, a small drink, and several enormous chiggers. There's a toy suprise too, but you're not allowed to know what it is because then the box would have to print a dirty word in the ingredients. > I need to get some more sub-sonic .22 bullets. This is pissing me off. > Big time. Nine times out of ten I remember to use repellant > when going to certain areas. That's not good enough. You fool, rabbits can outrun sub-sonic bullets. Also they can trick you into putting on a wedding dress and marrying them and then when you kiss them they put dynamite into your mouth and they're so cute and cuddly except for the way they murder you over and over without really hurting you. -- K. You people who talk like Mel Blanc make me sick. Except for Mr. Spacely, who I just pretend is Danny DeVito. "JETSONNNN! I'M PRODUCING A SEQUEL TO 'PULP FICTION', AND YOU'RRRRRRRE GOING TO BE MY NEW GIMP!" "But Mr. Spacely, I don't know how to gimp! Ooba dooba!" Then, when John Travolta accidentally shoots him in the face, he explodes into multicolored triangles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My life: Odder and odder Date: Thu, 06 Oct 2005 16:27:01 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > > > > > Chiggers. > > > > > > You cannot beat them. You can only hope to contain them. > > > You cannot see them either. > > > > That's because you're wearing the pointy white hood backwards. > > The eye holes go in the front. > > At this point, I got the KKK reference, but WTF? Hey, don't look at me funny. _You're_ the one who doesn't want your daughter marrying a chigger. For sensitivity training, you need to sit through some awful movies where Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker are fighting crime when they get struck by lightning and fuse into one person. -- K. Go ahead, make up some titles for those movies. I dare you to give Hollywood the ideas. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: ...'cause pink Band-Aids just ain't butch. Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 04:32:26 -0400 The substratum of journalism devoted to receiving free samples of new products in exchange for quoting the corporate press release in its entirety is all abuzz about a new product from a division of 3M. You see, 3M makes both duct tape and adhesive bandages. And they've just introduced adhesive bandages that are shiny gray so that you can say, "Look! I'm all grown up and I'm a very big man and I'm wearing a bandage made out of duct tape!" [www.datamonitor.com] -> -> At last, an adhesive bandage that is targeted towards men! -> Many plasters these days are either covered in cartoon -> characters to appeal to children, or are pink in color -- -> hardly a traditionally 'masculine' shade. However, Nexcare 3M -> Duct Tape Bandages, launched in the US, are gray in color and -> feature a man's hand on the packaging, holding a DIY tool. It's a close-up of a hand model lifting a hammer from his tool belt. I can't tell whether he's using his other hand to make the "Y", the "M", the "C", or the "A". I'm waiting for 3M Leather Bandages. -> The plasters are designed to look like duct tape, presumably so -> that the wearer doesn't feel embarrassed about wearing them. Uh oh. Teddy Dibble's about to make a new erotic mummification video. (Assuming I have remembered the name of the correct video artist from that old "Alive From Off Center" episode and am not confusing him with any other video artist who stole his name from a Benny Hill sketch. But Benny Hill never did anything as clever as covering his entire head with Band-Aids.) -> They also come in longer lengths for larger fingers, while the -> packaging is designed to fit easily in a toolbox. What size are the toolboxes in 3M's world? Most toolboxes can hold a box of normal Band-Aids, or even a box of those weird "X"-shaped ones 3M sells through industrial-safety catalogs. And why doesn't 3M also make bandages that look like 3M Post-It Notes? Oh, right, because everyone knows they don't stick to anything. -- K. The 3M Duct Tape Bandages are part of the Tim Allen Collection, along with 3M Prison Tattoo Bandages. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ...'cause pink Band-Aids just ain't butch. Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 16:12:22 -0400 [on construction workers' first-aid skills] TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > Every handyman or construction type person I know uses the > > Krazy Glue technique. > > Yeah, I forgot about Krazy Glue. One of the FFs Krazy Glued a > non-work-related injury on his thumb, then wrapped it in duct > tape (his wife was out and he didn't know where she kept the > bandages, was his excuse, after I made fun of him for 1/2 a > day - he is, after, a Paramedic as well as a FF)(And pluh- > eeze, who doesn't know the bandages are kept in the bathroom, > with a spare box over the sink for those accidental cooking > amputations?) You know the Fantastic Four? Wow. Wait, the one who's made of orange foam rubber is uncuttable because that orange foam rubber is made of rocks, and the one who's all skinny is uncuttable because he's made of a mixture of rubber and Tyvek, and the one with the red stripes drawn all over the outside of his spandex bodystocking is uncuttable because he's supposed to have enough flames drawn on him to be hot enough to melt a knife blade, and the one who's just a dotted outline is uncuttable because she's invisible, which is the same as being imaginary. So unless you're counting Doctor Doom as one of the Fantastic Four, there's no way any of them could have gotten a cut, which is why he's the one who wears that hockey mask so as to hide his little G.I. Joe scar. > Guy I know poisoned himself one year using silicone caulk to > cover and "fill in" sheet metal scrapes and cuts. The wounds > healed fine, eventually, but his general health was teh suck > for about a year. I'm sure that's how he _said_ he got silicone poisoning during the weekend he suddenly grew breasts. Did he ever make any oblique references to attending a "pumping party" hosted by someone named "Floydina" or "Brentella" or "Marvinette"? -- K. I was going to do that with the feminine forms of "Tom", "Dick", and "Harry", but I thought it would have been in poor taste to say "Dickless". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ...'cause pink Band-Aids just ain't butch. Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 15:23:21 -0400 TomH (address@my.sig) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> The plasters are designed to look like duct tape, presumably so > > -> that the wearer doesn't feel embarrassed about wearing them. > > But thy don't feel embarrassed about wearing a small patch > of duct tape on their arm? > > Which embarrassment is more debilitating: > - wearing a wussy bandage and being seen as weak bodied? > - wearing a piece of duct tape all day and being seen as > weak minded? > - wearing no bandage and being seen as grossly infected > and smelling liek puss? I think the implication is just that construction workers are so homophobic and/or butch that they won't wear anything even remotely pink, including things that are the color of Anglo flesh. That's why any construction worker who has pink skin has to get lots of tattoos to cover it up. I'm sure this theory I just made up must be true because it seems like there could be a crappy documentary on TLC about it. Still, the invention of special tiny little bandages for construction workers is a good thing. Now when they accidentally cut their fingers off, they can put a half-inch-wide sticker on what's left of their hand and go right back to work building my mansion. Has anyone here ever had a high school shop teacher with an even number of fingers? No? How about a rational number of fingers? -- K. There should be a TV show where we watch a team of shop teachers trying to build a house without dying. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ...'cause pink Band-Aids just ain't butch. Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 19:09:13 -0400 "Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Has anyone here ever had a high school shop teacher with an even > > number of fingers? > > Are 4 and 6 even enough? No, because 6 is the clear winner over 4. 4 and 4 would be even. > > No? How about a rational number of fingers? > > Uh-oh. An irrational number of fingers?!? MATH IS HARD!! Well, according to Cantor's Diagonal Argument, there are a transfinite number of ways to slice a finger diagonally when you become irrational and need a quick way to win a diagonal argument. Cantor's full list of transfinite numbers is this: Aleph-negative-one -- maximum number of Chuckles in a package (believed to be less than 6) Aleph-null -- number of items on this list Aleph-one -- number of items that aren't on this list Aleph-two -- number of possible encyclopedias that could say this list sucks Aleph-three -- like the other ones, but in a higher tax bracket Aleph-four -- duuuuuuuude! Aleph-four! Aleph-five -- the number of ways Taco Bell can fuck up your order AND SO ON FOREVER AND EVER, BUT ONLY IN THE ALEPH-ONE SENSE OF FOREVER, NOT IN THE ALEPH-TWO SENSE WHICH WOULD BE JUST RIDICULOUS. > > -- K. > > > > There should be a TV show > > where we watch a team of > > shop teachers trying to > > build a house without > > dying. > > Nowadays, most school shop class budgets can only afford stone tools. > Teachers can't drink on the job (or smoke enough joints) enough to > actually build a house. Nor can they afford the mandatory Escalades and > Navigators that real builders must have in order to function. Dear Taco Bell, You did something to my formatting and now I want revenge. Also, my taco was supposed to have "no cheese", not "extra bones". And you put my Chuckles in the wrong order. I can't eat them if the black one's not in the center because then they'd look lopsided. As far as school shop teachers being Flintstones characters, that's a good idea, but only if we also replace the science teachers with Jetsons characters and the gym teachers with a better class of sadists. I would post Cantor's Complete List Of Strata Of Sadists, but unfortunately the space between these margins is too small to contain it. Also, my screen is out of paper. -- K. The worst sadists are the ones with the Mel Blanc voices. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ...'cause pink Band-Aids just ain't butch. Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 20:01:36 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The worst sadists are > > the ones with the Mel > > Blanc voices. > > What about wacky secret agent chimps with Mel Blanc voices? They're somewhere between first-season Twiki and that evil pot of boiling water that will scald your child if you don't KEEP THAT POT HANDLE TURNED IN! > Sorry about screwing up your formatting, my newsreader does it > automatically when I reply. Of course, you know, this means war. -- K. You're despicable. P.S. I just bought an album by the "Soothing Sounds For Baby" guy (Raymond Scott) and his song "Powerhouse" is plagiarized from all eight pieces of music from every "Looney Tunes" cartoon strung together. It's a bigger ripoff than that time I went to see "Hamlet" and they were just saying a bunch of words that I already saw when I read the dictionary! Also, when I listened to "Soothing Sounds For Baby", the headphones gave my ears diaper rash. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ...'cause pink Band-Aids just ain't butch. Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 15:16:29 -0400 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> The plasters are designed to look like duct tape, presumably so > > -> that the wearer doesn't feel embarrassed about wearing them. > > I would be ashamed to advertise that > I was embarrassed by certain color band-aids. So what you're saying is that, every time you cut yourself, you have to cut yourself another 19 times so that you can give every color of Band-Aid equal treatment? Neon pink, duct tape, "Barney", transparent, "flesh", and those blue metal-detectable ones the people who make the McNuggets wear where their fingers used to be? You are a human Band-Aid Pride Flag. Except that if you actually do have pale pink skin, the "flesh" Band-Aid will be less visible than the duct tape one, so you'll have to do the math necessary to determine how many nearly-invisible "flesh" ones will equal one duct tape one based on their differential albedo. Cutting yourself to support political correctness is hard! -- K. Cutting other people to support political correctness is easy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ...'cause pink Band-Aids just ain't butch. Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 23:44:24 -0400 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > > > I would be ashamed to advertise that > > > I was embarrassed by certain color band-aids. > > > > So what you're saying is that, every time you cut yourself, you have > > to cut yourself another 19 times so that you can give every color of > > Band-Aid equal treatment? > > No, I just wear the regular pink ones like everybody else. "Like everybody else"? What am I, chopped liver? Now if you'll excuse me, I just got a paper cut, so I have to go cauterize something with my blowtorch. Band-Aids are for people who don't know how to use a blowtorch. FIRE HEALS ALL! Remember that great old Don Martin cartoon that showed how to remove a Band-Aid? Man, that guy was sick! Whatever happened to him after he died? Oh, right, rotting. From memory, that cartoon went like this: 1.) Little boy is struggling to peel off his Band-Aid while wincing in pain. 2.) Mommy says "It hurts less if you pull it off really fast!" 3.) She rips it off. It makes some sound like "PSCHERTAPOIZEETLE!!!!!!!" 4.) She and the kid look at the two cubes of flesh dangling from the back of the used Band-Aid. I haven't seen that cartoon in about thirty years, but I clearly recall the precise cubicalness of the excised flesh. Hmm, according to the Don Martin Dictionary on CollectMad.com, the sound effect in question was actually just "ZAT!" (Mad #167, June 1974, page 37.) That issue also had a cartoon where Don Martin demonstrated 18 times that popping a pimple always goes "PING!", as well as one where a cooked frog's leg went "PAF!" as it turned into a cooked prince's leg. According to that site, the first sound effect he ever used in "Mad" was "Xmng!" (1957), and the last was "SHKLORBBADORP!" (1987). No word on whether he kept drawing impossible onomatopoeia after he switched to "Cracked", 'cause nobody gives a xmng about "Cracked". Does this answer your question about why you should give money to the 3M corporation for a different color of sticky plastic? -- K. Colored Band-Aids are an affectation because injuries themselves are perfectly good fashion accessories. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: You rhombused my rectangle! Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 05:22:42 -0400 This morning I had a dream that I couldn't send an important E-mail because somehow a piece of spyware got installed on my computer that messed up the interface so bad that the desktop was a rhombus. Okay, someone better 'fess up. Who stole all the corners of my desktop so I could only mouse around inside a rhombus? ...I'M LOOKING AT YOU, KAI KRAUSE! The frustrating fuckware actually offered the choice of having my desktop be a rhombus, a circle, or a small square centered within the rectangular screen, but all the desktop layouts had an annoying black and white zebra pattern. Also, all the files had one-letter names. Worse, one-letter names in all capitals! In Helvetica! -- K. I would buy one of those glowing blindfolds that induces lucid dreams, but then I'd have to sleep on my back, and if I could do that I'd spend my money on a septum piercing instead. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: MY dumb dream too! (was Re: You rhombused my rectangle!) Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 23:21:04 -0400 Respectfully submitted for the approval of the cosmic filing system that placed this under "X" for "Weird" in the Kibology Zone: Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > This morning I had a dream that I found a thrift store, and walked in, > only to find it was abandoned. Except for one woman, who expected > to be able to shop for clothes. > > I still browsed the electronics, and found some great gadgets that > never existed. > > Then when I got the idea to ask the woman out, or at least to offer > to fool around in the abandoned thrift store, the owners came back, > realizing they'd left a store full of second-hand goods behind. Is this the one where, for some reason, you don't get to have sex because you broke your glasses, or is this the one where you don't get to have sex because you're really both holograms imagined by an alien chimp and also the female hologram is a lesbian? So tell us more about the great gadgets that don't exist. Also tell us where to buy all of them. I looked for nonexistent things on eBay but all I found were empty PlayStation 3 boxes, a "mystery bag" containing either $500,000,000 in diamonds or a smaller mystery bag, some little blue things named "Veeeagorra" with lots of accent marks, and a gallon of "~LQQK~". -- K. Did you at least get to lqqk at the lesbian's veegynna? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: outside looking in Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 20:06:52 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > If you're playing against decent players and there is a > > raise and a reraise before the flop, then _someone_ probably > > has an overpair to J's and you're completely dominated. > > Um, no. If you are playing against good players they > could be playing any of the top 13 good hands, and if > you slow play your pocket jacks you can kick some > serious ass. If you have to fold after the flop or > the turn, so be it. You played the odds correctly. I hated that episode where the two of you played the role of Wesley after he got cloned in a Transporter accident. -- K. I preferred the old series where they could only play card games without gambling because the cards were too weird-looking to gamble with. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Smartest Man in the World Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 23:45:31 -0400 TSMITW (tsmitw@tsmitw.edu) wrote: > > I am The Smartest Man in the World. > > Ask me anything. Why? -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Educational Games Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 02:21:31 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > You guys are a bunch of nerds, so you should be able to help me out. > I spend an hour and a half of each working day playing games with the > kids out at lunch recess now. I try to make them somewhat educational > so that it helps them do better in school in a relatively painless > manner. Participation is voluntary so they should be fun as well. > What games would you recommend? They need to be easy to teach to > elementary school aged children and easy to carry from school to > school. I have Uno, Boggle and Set so far. I also have a set of > Finding Nemo memory cards for the little kids. Mille Bornes is easy enough, especially if the kids don't mind an occasional made-up French word like "kilometres". Plus then they get to tell their parents "Paula lets us look at French playing cards!" Parker's other classic card game, "Water Works", has just been re-issued with the tiny metal wrenches and a replica of the original plastic bathtub-shaped card tray! Just don't lose those wrenches... "Skeeter" is the card game to get if you want the kids to hurt each other. It's just "Slap" with pictures of bugs instead of normal playing cards, the kids have to compete to see who can slap the skeeter first, and if you're a little slower than the other kids at least you get the satisfaction of slapping the backs of their hands as hard as you can. Any game store should have a rack of small card games, you can tell which ones are good for kids by looking at the font size on the cards. If the cards have three-inch-high numbers on them, it's a kid-friendly game. If the cards each have three paragraphs, it's a game for nerds. I always liked "Rack-O", which might be one of the dullest kid-friendly games ever. But at least it would be good for the kids who need reinforcement of basic sorting and filing skills. That's the one where the numbered cards have to go into the little plastic dishrack in ascending order. > Any suggestions? Also, must be G-rated, so now GI Pron matching games > or anything like that. These kids these days, with their 12" GI Pron dolls. When I was a kid, we just had G.I. Joe dolls with Evel Knievel's head and Steve Austin's head on them, and they had weird flat spots where their genitals had been crudely removed, and that was the way we liked it! (All the large-size male dolls of that era used the original G.I. Joe body, which had been sculpted with a genital bulge and said bulge had then been trimmed down with something like a straight razor. It might have been during the same shaving incident where Joe cut his face.) -- K. I still want to get a "Super Scrabble" set, but that would hardly encourage anything other than arguing and cheating and new-swear-word- inventing among little kids, and it's also one of the least portable games now on the market because of the huge board. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Educational Games Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 21:29:37 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about WFF 'n Proof and all those other Learning Games > Associates games we played in sixth-grade math class like Tri-Nim and > Equations, and neither did Dave Delaney! Visit their horrible webbage > www.wff-n-proof.com NOW NOW NOW for all your neediest nerdiest students! I beg to differ. I went ON AND ON, waxing nostalgic about WFF 'n Proof a few years ago. And nobody cared about the exciting game where children were forced to re-derive our entire system of mathematical logic from first principles, with the winner being the first one to complete the "Principia Mathematica"! Nobody even answered my Kwik Kwiz about the difference, if any, between WFF 'n Proof 'n Scientology! /////////// IT'S A RE-RUN FROM HERE DOWN! ////////////////////////////////// Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Crazy cynic things Date: Mon, 15 Oct 2001 00:18:47 GMT Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A POINTANGLE IS NOT A SANDWICHANGLE IS NOT A FATANGLE. > > Also, in sixth grade we called equilateral triangles "squangles." Until > the teacher made us stop. Which she could only ever do by enticing us to > play WFF 'n Proof and Equations and Tri-Ominoes. And I'm not sure we > ever stopped calling the Tri-Ominoes squangle-ominoes, either. Okay, I've seen a few refrences to WFF 'n Proof here lately. And until now, I've avoided mentioning WFF 'n Proof because I thought it was too nerdy a reference for you folks. But now I see I was wrong. Just out of curiosity, is there ANYONE on alt.religion.kibology who didn't enjoy a rousing game of "WFF 'n Proof" as a child? More to the point, how could anyone not enjoy it? It's got dice so it's just like gambling except instead of money you're wagering symbolic-logic statements and you win if you prove Godel's Theorem unless the other players can prove you did it by accident! The dice with Boolean operators on them make WFF 'n Proof better than Nomic, which doesn't even have dice and doesn't have enough rules! As the makers of WFF 'n Proof say: -> Relatively short exposures to play of WFF 'N PROOF (as little as -> three weeks) has been accompanied by 21-point increases in the -> non-language parts of standard IQ tests. That's almost a point a day, depending on the length of the weeks! If I did nothing but play WFF 'n Proof all day every day for ten years, I'd be the brainiest person ever and would win The Nobel Prize For Just Being Smart! They also make other excuting products such as "The Propaganda Game" and "Quick-Sane" and a brain-strainer named "50 Nifty 50": -> "You can get up to 50 percent discount on 50 percent of your order." I hope it's not recursive. Most of the other games published by Autotelic Instructional Materials involve infinite recursion, especially near the end of the rules. In fact, I think the word "autotelic" is defined as "referring to anything which is defined by itself", except you couldn't actually say that because then "autotelic" wouldn't really be autotelic, so most dictionaries just have a blacked-out paragraph there to keep you from trying to understand autotelicity. If this bothers you, just substitute Pete Rugulo's "Space-A-Delic" for the word "autotelic" and frug your worries away! Also, has anyone here EVER read the "Monopoly" rules all the way through? (I was going to ask that about the "Scrabble" rules except I've read them all the way through about eight times because everyone I play against cheats. For the last time: NO CAPITALIZED WORDS, ABBREVIATIONS, HYPHENATED WORDS, FOREIGN WORDS, DIAGONALS, L-SHAPED WORDS, OR SMILEYS!) -- K. WFF 'n Proof is NOT the reason I use words like "nand" in everyday conversation, xor I am lying. Your turn! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: WFF 'n Wacky Date: Mon, 15 Oct 2001 01:15:29 GMT I just wrote: > > [the makers of the education game WFF 'n Proof] also make other exciting > products such as "The Propaganda Game" and "Quick-Sane" First, let me just apologize for misspelling that as "excuting products" in my first draft. WFF 'n Proof is not used to execute condemned criminals, nor do any chainsaws pop out of Quick-Sane aimed at your face. I have cancelled the article containing the misspelling, and reposted it with the correct spelling of "exciting" and fewer claims that WFF 'n Proof will kill you upon contact. Second, more research has turned up that The Propaganda Game was developed in conjunction with one of the actors from "Battlestar Galactica", although they tried to disguise it by spelling his name wrong: -> By Robert Allen (Director ofÊ the National Academic Games Tournament), -> Lorne Green, Actor, and George Moulds (Kent State University) Lorne Greene is best known for a series of TV commercials where he talked about how wonderful Alpo tastes to dogs and the dogs never took out an editorial reply with the TV network so it must NOT be propaganda! Also he was the only one to have facial hair in "Galactica 1980" and not "Battlestar Galactica", with the exception of that one Cylon named "Hairy", who was killed when he attempted to play Quick-Sane. -> In a democratic society such as ours, it is the role of every citizen -> to make decisions after evaluating many ideas.Ê It is specially important -> that a citizen be able to analyze and distinguish between the emotional -> aura surrounding an idea and the actual content of that idea. -> It is this goal of clear thinking that the PROPAGANDA Game addresses. -> -> ... Lorne Greene He did this as a response to finding out that Baltar was giving the humans copies of Philip K. Dick's "Syndrome". Autotelic Instructional Media seems to still sell the same list of games I remember them having when I was a kid, except I note that they no longer sell "Blacks & Whites", the game of racial equality. I guess it was withdrawn once its work was complete and racism was eliminated forever. I never played it so I don't know whether it included dice or a spinner or pepper spray. I was going to try to think of some educational game titles sillier than "WFF 'n Proof" and "Quik-Sane" and "The Propaganda Game" but then I saw that they sell this one: -> The Meditation Game is designed for relaxation in times of stress. ->Ê It is a game of pure strategy that is likely to elicit joy for players -> who embrace, and are embraced by, it.Ê This delightful, colorful, -> excursion into the realm of strategy and thought is a great gift. Yes, but Rassilon said that to win is to lose. I think Willy Wonka did too. I bet he's good at playing "Candyland". "HA HA! YOU LANDED ON THE GREEN SQUARE! THIS MEANS I GET TO JAM YOUR HAIR INTO THE BUBBLE TAPE MACHINE! I MAIM ANYONE WHO EATS TO MUCH CANDY! HERE, EAT ALL THIS CANDY!" Willy Wonka is sick and twisted and, frankly, his candy doesn't taste so great. -- K. I wish Roald Dahl would write a "WFF 'n Proof" parody, or at least a "Battlestar Galactica" parody. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: WFF 'n Squad! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 15 Oct 2001 01:33:03 GMT Important advice about advanced WFF 'n Proof strategy, from the inventor himself, Prof. Layman E. Allen: -> Advice to Coaches and Players of Adventurous WFF 'N PROOF -> -> Thorough familiarity with the Tarski Short Cut contributes remarkably to -> the quality of strategy that players are equipped to bring to bear upon -> their play in pursuit of the Leslie Nielsen Scholarship award. -> --LEA Damn. All the Scrabble I've played isn't good for anything better than a Don Knotts award! -- K. It's time for a KWIK KWIZ! "The A-claim means that you Flub if you make a move that (A)llows a Solution to be built with at most one more cube from Resources when you could have made a move that both avoided doing so and at the same time fulfilled the P-claim. Of course, when only two cubes are left in Resources, you may have to move one of them so that they are made permitted or essential and allow a Solution to be built with just one more cube from the Resources, because forbidding either cube violates the P-claim. This is a Force-Out situation rather than an A-claim violation, because in such circumstances it is not possible to avoid allowing a Solution to be built with just one more cube from the Resources without violating the P-claim." a) game rule b) Scientology /////////// IT'S A RE-RUN FROM HERE UP! //////////////////////////////////// The part about foreign words in Scrabble is the fungible part depending on who has the home dictionary advantage -- you have to know which Latin words are in your dictionary because foreign words are permissible as long as they're surrounded by an English dictionary. I hate the American Heritage Dictionary for not having "qat". -- K. KWIK KWIZ II: What is the score of the most strategic move for the first player to make on their first Scrabble turn? Hint: It's less than 1. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Educational Games Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 16:44:04 -0400 kerri9494 (kerri9494@gmail.com) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) asked: > > > > What games would you recommend? > > OK, well, how about various regular card games? Scat is fun. (No, not > THAT way, don't you DARE Kontext-Away that one, Kibo.) Shooby-dee-bop-a-dee-boogaloo-bop-de-womp-womp-wa-wa, I'm gonna do it anyway because I found a loophole: I've never heard of a card game called "Scat" therefore it's not a double-entendre if I say you like the other scat. EWWWW! > Slapjack is a favorite in our house, but I suppose children WHACKING > each other is frowned upon at your people-luvvin' school. I already mentioned "Skeeter", the child-friendly version of that game. It's got icky bugs that survive no matter how hard you pound on them through the other kids' hands. > Concentration? Easy sudoku puzzles? Bingo? Quip Qubes? Perquacky? > Yahtzee? SPEAK EARTH LANGUAGE, YOU SCATTING NUMNUL!!!! -- K. EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Educational Games Date: Thu, 06 Oct 2005 04:28:48 -0400 [on properly non-educational card games for children] Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > I've got some Memory cards, which are concentration with Finding Nemo > characters on them. The kids like them. I also have some 100 piece > puzzles, but they are so popular with huge groups dividing up sections > that I think I am going to have to get some harder ones with more > pieces. Or just cut up the pieces. Of course, the kids might see through that trick if you've already tried convincing them to break all their crayons in half so they'll have twice as many. Hey, did you ever hear that story about the guy in India who invented chess and his reward was that he asked to be given one crayon broken in half 64 times? > I cannot use any regular cards. Seriously. We have a big wacky > fundamentalist contingent around here in hickville and many of them > think that playing cards is EEEEVIL. So if they look like Uno cards, > that's fine. If they look like poker cards, they are of the devil. But "Finding Nemo" stars talking fish! It's an offense to God to show fish making wacky wisecracks because fish don't have souls! > Interestingly enough, however, when I had the change from my lunch in > the bottom of the plastic container I carry the games in, kids were > coming up and asking how much they had to pay to buy into the game. > I'm sure I'll hear from someone high up about that as soon as a parent > can get a confused description and make a call to all the right > people. Just tell them you were under the influence of the evil Soupy Sales. Then read a commercial for "new Play Putty by Chloroform" and roll around on the floor at how hilarious this blooper Kermit Schaefer said you said was. Then realize that if you're controlled by Soupy Sales and Soupy Sales is controlled by Kermit Schaefer and Kermit Schaefer is controlled by Jim Henson's clenched hand and Jim Henson's hand is dead like the rest of him, that this is somehow creepy, and explain it to the parents until they start slowly backing away from you because you're a goth or something. Either that or just use the chloroform on them. Remember, it's not a prescription item, it's just a common industrial solvent used for gluing plastic, so it's legal to carry around a gallon of it. > There was a girl at school today who told me that she wanted > black tennis shoes because her white ones got so dirty so fast, but > she isn't allowed to wear any black because it is "goth." See? All you have to do is wear black and they'll stay away from you. I recommend a nun's outfit. Maybe even one made of cloth, for that retro look. > Her dad is the new pastor at the church down the street from the > school. Yeah, I'm sure you have to be really careful about those > black tennis shoes. Or you could show up wearing Chuck Taylor All-Stars, blue dungarees, and a red satin windbreaker just like that terrifying James Dean in "Rebel Without A Cause" and then you could go around saying "I am without cause! Just like the Big Bang!" > I almost wore black pants today. Guess she would have been scared of > me if I had. Seriously, like I've offered before, if you want me to show up and put the fear of Me into people, just send me a plane ticket. Plus another for my jacket so it can have a seat where it won't get wrinkled. -- K. I want to know why they're called "playing cards" when there's no such thing as "recording cards". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Educational Games Date: Fri, 07 Oct 2005 17:17:46 -0400 [concerning a "Finding Nemo" card game] Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > > > I cannot use any regular cards. Seriously. We have a big wacky > > > fundamentalist contingent around here in hickville and many of them > > > think that playing cards is EEEEVIL. So if they look like Uno cards, > > > that's fine. If they look like poker cards, they are of the devil. > > > > But "Finding Nemo" stars talking fish! It's an offense to God to > > show fish making wacky wisecracks because fish don't have souls! > > I'll just tell them that I have it on good authority that Nemo > accepted that God had returned him home and became a Christian. Well, it's lucky for you that Snopes.com today linked to this important article about what happens to cute little baby orange fish... [apnews.excite.com] -> -> Ala. Church Youth Swallow Live Goldfish -> -> Oct 6, 6:14 PM (ET) -> -> FLORENCE, Ala. (AP) -- The First Assembly of God Church has a -> Fear Factor ministry that lets youths swallow live goldfish in -> order to teach them about fear. I think it mostly teaches the fish about fear. FEAR THE FOOLISH HUMANS! -> "We need to be realistic about what the Bible says about fear -> and not be afraid to share our faith in school," youth minister -> Anthony Martin told the TimesDaily in a story Thursday. "We -> can't let that fear rule our lives." "Many people are unable to bring themselves to be cruel to animals or perform in a carnival sideshow!" -> Martin said the ministry's participants are between the ages of -> 14 and 21 and that they had to get their parents to sign a -> waiver to be involved. -> -> "Fear Factor" is a reality TV show in which contestants compete -> by participating in dangerous activities or by eating -> stomach-turning foods for cash prizes. And then, if they eat the horse rectum, they go to Heaven! No, wait, that would be too stupid even for "Fear Factor". -> "Through this ministry, kids are surrendering their lives to -> Jesus and developing a deeper relationship with Jesus," Martin -> said. "The method of the ministry that we use to bring people is -> going to change, but the message is going to stay consistent." "The message is that Jesus hates goldfish. That's why he multiplied all those loaves and fishes, just so he could kill the same fish over and over. He was thinking of his favorite 'Itchy & Scratchy' cartoon where an infinite number of Scratchies are coming out of the cloning machine directly into the killing machine. Jesus never misses 'The Simpsons' 'cause he's got TiVo." -> In teaching the lesson about fear, participants in last week's -> round were asked to pull a number -- between one and three -- from -> a bowl that would indicate how many live Comet goldfish would be -> swallowed. Oh no! The kids are eating one of Santa's flying goldfish! This is going to ruin that part of the Bible that talks about Santa's sleigh! -> Martin said 12 of the almost 20 young people who participated -> advanced to this week's round of activities, which involved -> undoing chains and getting out of a real coffin, with the eight -> fastest advancing. The final four will compete for $250 by the -> ministry's final week. Okay, okay, I think we've found the subtext here. As usual with Weird Church-Time Activities For Teenage Boys, suddenly the article mentions bondage gear. Getting the kids chained up was probably the whole point of it for the nutty ol' dude. Also probably spanking with a Ping-Pong paddle. And enemas. -> Paula Keeton, manager of Pet Depot, which sold the fish, said -> she considers the church's action as animal cruelty. -> -> "It's against our policy to sell to people if the animal will be -> killed," Keeton told the TimesDaily. "To me, it's the same as -> taking a dog or cat and killing it in front of a group of -> children." No, it the same as killing it _inside_ a group of children. -> Martin maintains that the children are not forced to participate -> and there is no peer pressure involved. "When Jesus wants you to do stupid game-show stunts, it's not peer pressure, because Jesus isn't you peer, you sinful little twerps!" And now back to Paula and me... > > [...], and explain it to the parents until they start slowly > > backing away from you because you're a goth or something. > > But then nobody would play with me and I would be eating lunch all by > myself! You gonna tape a kick me sign to my butt while you're at it? Are you saying the kids don't like goths either? What, are they all emo instead of goth? Or worse, are they boho? I'm currently doing a sociological study of eBay culture. Apparently in the world of eBay, every single article of clothing is named a "BNWT DIY OOAK RETRO PUNK EMO GOTH BOHO POSS GAY INT LQQK". Unless it's magenta, in which case it's "BNWT DIY OOAK RETRO PUNK EMO GOTH BOHO POSS GAY INT LQQK HPK". > > Either that or just use the chloroform on them. Remember, it's not > > a prescription item, it's just a common industrial solvent used for > > gluing plastic, so it's legal to carry around a gallon of it. > > I'm not carrying a gallon of anything around unless it's yummy to > drink. Chloroform is right out. It's supposedly poisonous if you drink it. But that has no bearing on whether or not it's yummy. As you know, poison is the yummiest candy! > > [...] > > > > Or you could show up wearing Chuck Taylor All-Stars, blue dungarees, > > and a red satin windbreaker just like that terrifying James Dean > > in "Rebel Without A Cause" and then you could go around saying > > "I am without cause! Just like the Big Bang!" > > But I am not without cause. My cause is to defeat the shitheads that > emotionally terrorize their classmates by offering a place to play at > lunch recess where you don't have to worry if you have enough friends, > the right friends, the right clothes or anything else and there is an > adult not afraid to kick asses and take names right there to make sure > nobody bugs you. Card and dice games are perfect, then, 'cause the kids who are trying to be thugs will stay the hell away from anything that involves things with numbers on them -- EWW, DICE ARE MATH! -- or involves any rules that don't guarantee the biggest muscles win. Don't do "Skeeter". > It actually amazes me how many of the boys who are usually getting > in trouble at recesses show up to play the games and get along just > fine with everyone. I wonder if they actually are relieved to find > a place where they don't have to be all badass and worry about their > reputation and everything and can just let have some fun without > complicated social implications. A lot of the nerdy kids > will come over and just hang out or read or do homework in the same > area. It's probably nice for them to be in an environment where > someone will come to their defense if they start getting teased about > wanting to read or do homework instead of throwing basketballs at > people. The kids who get picked on learn really early not to go off any be by themselves because they know that bullies have nothing better to do than to track them down, especially if they're way out in the back of beyond where it'll be even easier to get away with beating them up. So the kids learn to stay within sight-distance of the neutral kids. The bullied kids will hang out on the periphery of the large group of neutral kids. There was a recent study where they observed middle-school students through hidden cameras and the researchers concluded that the neutral kids shouldn't be trusted because they were all actually on the side of the bullies. But this was in a European school, so it might actually have been entirely filled with evil kids, unlike American schools which still have a few kids who believe in morality, justice, and all that other Superman/Jack Webb/Adam West crap. They say TV's bad for kids, but _I_ learned all about right and wrong from Superman, Joe Friday, Batman, and Captain Kirk. Except that Captain Kirk kept beating up women. But otherwise I learned that the good guys always win and the bad guys can always be captured without having to shoot them, you can get 'em if you just browbeat them until they let you take them to jail without a trial. Older superhero shows always tended to emphasize that the heros were morally superior to everyone else. Modern ones tend to have heros who have exactly the same heartless face-kicking ability as the bad guys except somehow the fights only come out one way even though the two participants are equally matched. Man, I miss the days when TV characters had philosophies. -- K. Captain Kirk's philosophy included "kissing her before punching her in the face makes it okay." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Educational Games Date: Tue, 11 Oct 2005 01:41:22 -0400 [on swallowing goldfish for Jesus] Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > -> Paula Keeton, manager of Pet Depot, which sold the fish, said > -> she considers the church's action as animal cruelty. > -> > -> "It's against our policy to sell to people if the animal will be > -> killed," Keeton told the TimesDaily. "To me, it's the same as > -> taking a dog or cat and killing it in front of a group of > -> children." > > Yeah, right. They have big tanks of feeder fish because people like > to buy them for the fun of feeding them. That's different. They're feeding fish to other fish, so that makes it okay. Fish eating fish is not only natural but mandatory according to the dictionary definition that you are what you eat (Webster's International Cannibal Edition.) There, now I've proved cannibalism. I humbly accept the Nobel Prize For Cannibalism. The question of whether the "you" in "you are what you eat" refers to an individual or an entire species still needs to be settled to determine whether autocannibalism is better then, merely as good as, regular everyday cannibalism. So, anyway, it's not okay for you to eat fish. But fish cakes are okay, because they're just made from mashed potatoes and plaster. -- K. Fish cakes are my favorite type of fish, because they're so perfectly un-fish-like. I also like deep-fried flounder, but I haven't had it since the local Ground Round closed. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Educational Games Date: Fri, 07 Oct 2005 23:27:16 -0400 Earlier today, I wrote: > > They say TV's bad for kids, but _I_ learned all about right and wrong > from Superman, Joe Friday, Batman, and Captain Kirk. Except that > Captain Kirk kept beating up women. But otherwise I learned that > the good guys always win and the bad guys can always be captured > without having to shoot them, you can get 'em if you just browbeat > them until they let you take them to jail without a trial. The different phases of TV moralism -- from absolutism to relativism -- are nicely illustrated by the various incarnations of "Star Trek". I made this up on a short subway ride: GENERIC, ALL-PURPOSE "STAR TREK: THE ORIGINAL SERIES" PARODY NAZI GUY We must kill everyone from the Planet Of The Jews! JEW GUY We must kill everyone from the Planet Of The Nazis! NAZI GUY Kill the Jews! JEW GUY Kill the Nazis! CAPTAIN KIRK Heh-heh-heh, you're both wrong! And if you don't stop fighting, the Klingons will come and enslave your planet! So the Federation's taking over, see. We're going to install a Vulcan governor, see. Now I want the two of you to start loving each other. Shake hands and become best friends or I'll shoot! LT. UHURA Captain, I don't understand, because I'm just a woman. CAPTAIN KIRK You see, due to human nature, this planet went astray when both sides fell under the influence of the Devil. One side had the Bible, and they refused to share it with the other, although they had the Pledge Of Allegiance, and we've learned that you can't have good without having both the Bible and the Pledge of Allegiance. MR. SPOCK Truly a comment on the human condition. The fact that I have none of your human emotions makes me very happy. (ALL LAUGH.) GENERIC, ALL-PURPOSE "STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION" PARODY NORTHERN IRISH GUY We must kill all the Irishmen from the southern half of the Galaxy! SOUTHERN IRISH GUY We must kill all the Irishmen from the northern half of the Galaxy! NORTHERN IRISH GUY Kill the Northrish! SOUTHER IRISH GUY Kill the Southrish! CAPTAIN PICARD Shame on you, you're both wrong. But our holiest of sacred Constitutional laws, the Prime Directive, prohibits the Federation Of Benevolence from being involved in your internal dispute so as not to influence your culture in any way. Therefore, we have destroyed your farms, hospitals, and schools and unless you people settle all your differences you won't receive Federation aid. WESLEY Captain, I don't understand, because I'm just a teenager. CAPTAIN PICARD According to ancient Earth mythology, they made their own bed, now they must lie in it. The only way to help these people is to give them as little help as possible. That's why I had Chief Engineer LaForge use the Primary Lateral Neutrinopause to blow up their poorly-justified civil institutions. Thank God we have abandoned religion and evolved beyond the moral capacity of those puny Twentieth Century people who poisoned their minds by watching television. Now we're the best! (ALL LOOK GRIM.) GENERIC, ALL-PURPOSE "STAR TREK: VOYAGER" PARODY KRUNTILOK PERSON OF THE ELEVENTH GENDER Kill all the Wumberlax! WUMBERLAX PERSON OF THE TWELFTH GENDER Kill all the Kruntiloks! CAPTAIN JANEWAY If you don't act civil I'm going to spank both of you and send you to your rooms. To teach you both a lesson I'm going to blow up this entire solar system. Computer, activate Voyager's self-destruct circuit. Time factor: Two thousand seconds exactly, from... now. COMPUTER Two thousand. Nineteen ninety-nine. Nineteen ninety-eight. Nineteen ninety-seven... (TIME PASSES WHILE THE HOLOGRAPHIC DOCTOR SINGS "TWO THOUSAND BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL" WITH A ROBOTIC CLONE OF TONY RANDALL.) COMPUTER Three... two... one... malfunction, malfunction. TUVOK Captain, at the instant of detonation we were stuck by spontaneous space lightning from an invisible interdimensional rift in Offscreen Sector Zeta. It absorbed the force of the explosion, repaired all of our injuries, and travelled back in time to cause the Kruntiloks and Wumberlax to have never existed in the first place. CAPTAIN JANEWAY Yes... but what have we learned? SEVEN OF NINE This has been a truly pointless endeavor. (ALL HOLD STILL WAITING FOR THE FADE-OUT.) GENERIC, ALL-PURPOSE "STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE" PARODY AL-XAEDA TERRORIST Foolish humans! You cannot stop us from blowing up your Earth Trade Center! CAPTAIN ARCHER You underestimate the boundless potential humanity will have in the coming centuries which I have already seen thanks to these futuristic "DVDs" which fell through a time warp, depicting the further adventures of several ships named "Enterprise". AL-XAEDA TERRORIST Bah! You cannot even make me tell you where the bomb is, because your puny Earth morality prohibits you from torturing me! And yet you must torture me or everyone in the Universe will die! I double dare you to torture me, because I know you can't! CAPTAIN ARCHER Wrong again, Alien Einstein. This isn't "Star Trek", this is reality! (To PHLOX:) You're the ship's doctor. Pull out his eyeballs with pickle forks, then show them to everyone. DR. PHLOX Every day is an adventure! I'll just suppress my bad feelings about this by licking one of my holistic space earthworms. (ALL LOOK OUT THE HDTV-SHAPED WINDOW, TOWARDS THE FUTURE THAT WE SAW BACK IN THE DAYS OF CARDBOARD SPACESHIPS.) -- K. And this is the 87th time I've said I can never again write a facile "Star Trek" parody. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: One more thing about a person's health, mental or otherwise. Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 16:40:41 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > [...] I completely sincerely don't care about you one way or the > other except as a means to my own amusement. I don't like you, > I don't dislike you, you are basically just an unsolved Rubik's cube > to me. Most likely I won't solve you any time soon, but it relieves > the tedium to pick you up from time to time and give you a few twists. I hope you're not expecting to experience six different levels of euphoria in sequence -- as described in the instruction book -- when you get one side, two sides, three sides, etc. solved. Because you're more likely than not going to accidentally get all six sides solved before finding a way to get exactly five sides solved, and skipping Stage Five Euphoria means you will _never_ reach Nirvana and will spend the rest of your life a shattered, broken soul with weird hand cramps. > [...] > > My poor memory is beyond dispute. While we're on the subject of > genetics and cognition, Alzheimer's disease runs in my family (as > does diabetes, deafness and macular degeneration), "You have diabetes... and Alzheimer's." "Well, at least I don't have diabetes!" > so it's a tossup as to whether my memory lapses are mostly due > to precursor symptoms of my eventual decay or just not giving > enough of a damn to pay attention. Flip a coin and make your > own determination. A Rubik's Cube flipping a coin? I think you've just invented a new branch of mathematics for Douglas Hofstadter to write political satire about. -- K. I hear Rubik just invented a new cube with seven sides and spikes that pop out into your eyeballs if you try to throw it away without solving it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo fired the Death Ray, again. Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 17:04:45 -0400 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > This time he took out poor Nipsey Russel I was wondering why nobody had pointed that out yet. I mean, he died a whole day ago. The article you blamed was something I wrote on April 12: -> -> So, the question is: If I were to cultivate an accent just to help -> people realize how abnormal I am, which should I go with? Brooklynese? -> Russian? Finnish? Esperanto? Orkan? Thetan? Tasmanian Devil? Manson? -> Great Gildersleeve? Ted Cassidy? Nipsey Russell? Valentine Dyall? -> Shatner? Esperanto Shatner? Esperanto Manson? Pee-wee Shatner? Hmm, I think all those people are dead now except Shatner and Pee-wee Shatner. Well, Charles Manson is still alive, but he doesn't count because he's crazy. So if I want to talk like Valentine Dyall, do I need to start smoking? Or can I just learn to do that voice by watching that action movie where Harvey Fierstein fought the evil Valentine Dyall? You know, that one that was never released because the hero accidentally kissed the supervillain? -- K. It would have flopped anyway because the trailer merely referred to him as "a supervillain" and not "an evil supervillain". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo fired the Death Ray, again. Date: Fri, 07 Oct 2005 17:25:39 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > OK, am I imagining nonexistent game shows again, or perhaps confusing one > with the Flip Wilson Show? I don't see a title I recognize as what I'm > picturing in Russel's IMDB credits, unless maybe it was "What's My Line?" > Was there one where the panelists came from behind a white screen on > stage left (or I guess you call that stage right on television) and > Nipsey would come out and recite a poim like Henry Gibson on Laugh-In? Nipsey Russell was on _every_ game show. Well, except "Queen For A Day". He'd make up little poems every time. I mostly saw him on "Password" and "Match Game", but he was on plenty of other shows too. He was one of that cadre of '70s pseudo-celebrities who was on lots and lots of game shows and nothing else. Shows with "celebrity" panels like "Match Game", "To Tell The Truth", and "What's My Line?" consisted of a healthy mix of people who were famous for no reason and people who had once been on a sitcom and were now transforming themselves into people who were famous for no reason by doing enough game shows to make people forget they had once had an actual role (i.e. Charles Nelson Reilly. Kitty Carlisle. Richard Dawson.) I was always mesmerized by the bad hair on "Liar's Club", particularly any episode that had both Rod Serling and William Shatner. Charles Nelson Reilly couldn't hold a candle to their toupees. At least not without causing a massive bonfire. -- K. The only one of those "game show people" who escaped and went on to greater success was Fannie Flagg, whose shtick on "Match Game" was that she wore goofy sweaters with sequins. Then she wrote "Fried Green Tomatoes", which apparently someone thought was the greatest book ever. I dunno, I won't try reading it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo fired the Death Ray, again. Date: Thu, 06 Oct 2005 20:18:49 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > > > > > This time he took out poor Nipsey Russel > > > > I was wondering why nobody had pointed that out yet. I mean, he died > > a whole day ago. > > To post obits, you'd better hustle > 'Cause I didn't know about Nipsey Russel. That's what would have saved "Space: 1999", if Barbara Bain hadn't played Dr. Helena Russell but Dr. Nipsey Russell. Then she'd have to still say the same stupid stuff about how X-rays show that so-and-so now has three brains in is skull and the second one's made of antimatter and the third one's made of anti-brain, but she'd have to deliver it in the form of a rappin' couplet just like if Shakespeare were in outer space and black and a woman and on a bad TV show and wearing white go-go boots. Except Dr. Nipsey Russell would run out of rhymes for "Eagle" after the eighth scene of one exploding that week. That should could just have been simplified to a shot of a bunch of really nice spaceship models being tossed into a sack and then blown up en masse. 'Cause Gerry Anderson really loved the explodo-porn. It wasn't about plot. It was about seeing toys go boom! BOOOOOOOM!!! (DISCO MUSIC.) COMMANDER KOENIG The aliens are using their Blue Ray to counteract our Red Field! The Moon's exploding again! DR. NIPSEY RUSSELL Aliens blew up my hydroponic garden, so more veg to eat, only larden. (ALL THE EAGLES EXPLODE ONE BY ONE, THEN THE MOON BURSTS INTO FLAMES.) COMMANDER KOENIG Wait! The Moon's entering a Sparkle Zone! If we all hold perfectly still, it will make time go backwards so that we never exploded! DR. NIPSEY RUSSELL We were dead, but now we're not, this script's even dumber than snot. (ONE BY ONE ALL THE EAGLES UN-EXPLODE. THE MOON STOPS BURNING.) COMMANDER KOENIG Little did we understand the interaction of the Blue Ray with the Red Field in the Sparkle Zone. But think about the eternal infinitude of that Space Brain. DR. NIPSEY RUSSELL Space brain it may be, space brain it are, gimme money and color the way to my car! (DISCO MUSIC.) -- K. I would call this "Match Game: 1999" but an early "Saturday Night Live" already did a hilarious "Jeopardy: 1999" where everyone wore a "Star Trek" uniform and a white Afro and didn't remember there was ever a Chevy Chase. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo fired the Death Ray, again. Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 18:14:01 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > > > > > This time he took out poor Nipsey Russel > > > > I was wondering why nobody had pointed that out yet. I mean, he died > > a whole day ago. > > Yabbut it was really hard to tell at first if he was actually dead. Just because Bob Hope fooled the world hundreds of times is no reason to think that Nipsey Russell might be trying to trick us. Besides, we still have Brett Somers, Charles Nelson Reilly, Fannie Flagg, and Richard Dawson to think about. We need them all to die so that the late Gene Rayburn can host "Match Game '05" from beyond the grave with an exciting all-undead cast. Actually, it might not be called "Match Game '05", there might be separate "Match Game Heaven" and "Match Game Hell" versions. What are some of the questions in Match Game Hell? I'm glad you asked. Here's one: Dumb Donald was SOOOOOO dumb, he tried to make bathtub gin from a bathtub and a deck of playing BLANKs. Sounds just like a regular "Match Game" question, doesn't it? But there's a difference. In Match Game Hell, that question would last five trillion years. -- K. How do you make Gene Rayburn cross with just one match? Light it on his cranial ridge! "RRR! FIRE HOT!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Bad movie news! Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 17:29:27 -0400 Who says Hollywood's run out of ideas? [www.comingsoon.net] -> -> Vanguard Films has pre-emptively acquired the feature comedy Gnomes! -> from writers Micah Herman and Kyle Newman, says The Hollywood -> Reporter. The duo also are slated to co-direct the project. -> -> The story centers on a boy who discovers that the garden gnomes in -> his backyard actually are alive. When he starts to suspect that his -> mom's new suitor is a gnome-eating troll, the boy enlists the -> gnomes' help. So, in other words, it's just "Baby Geniuses" except with gnome heads pasted on the dancing baby midgets. Or worse, a remake of Stan Winston's "A Gnome Named Gnorm" only this time without the stellar cast of Anthony Michael Hall and Claudia Christian helping the hand puppet fight crime. The only funny thing in that movie was Claudia Christian's pronunciation of "gnome" as "guh-nu-ku-lar". -> The movie's format -- live action, animated or a combination of the -> two -- has yet to be determined. Well, they should just go ahead and start filming anyway. The easiest course of action to find out how to make this movie be not idiotic would be to just make the movie, release it, and wait for Gene Shalit to tell them how they could have made it not suck. Then do a re-make. I should also warn everyone that there will be a new trailer for "Curious George: The Movie" in a couple days. Stay home, lock your doors, unplug your TV, and remember, I had nothing to do with whatever font they're using in the trailer. I heard they were originally going to have Warren Beatty playing The Man In The Yellow Hat but he showed up for work with a hat that was too yellow. -- K. I bet soon they'll try doing something really stupid, like making a "24" movie that's only ninety minutes long. It'll end twenty-two and a half hours before Jack Bauer can find which Stanley Cup game the pound of antimatter is hidden in! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Kinkiest bomb threat ever! Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 18:34:57 -0400 [www.azcentral.com] -> -> Soldier tried fake mouth-bomb in heist -> -> David L. Teibel and Heidi Rowley -> Tucson Citizen -> Oct. 4, 2005 12:00 AM -> -> TUCSON -- An Army sergeant based at Fort Huachuca walked into a -> bank Monday, his mouth covered in duct tape, and presented a -> note saying he had a bomb in his mouth, police said. "Hand over the money quickly -- I have the getaway car up my ass!" -> Sgt. Jeffry Leon Lewis Jr., 33, was arrested after the 9:30 a.m. -> incident at a Wells Fargo bank branch in Tucson. Police found no -> explosives in his mouth, backpack, vehicle or on the grounds -> around the bank, Tucson police Sgt. Mark Robinson said. -> -> [...] -> -> The officers "rushed the suspect," took him into custody, walked -> him to a metal rail fence away from other people, handcuffed him -> to one of the rails and backed away. They recognized him by the -> tape on his mouth, Robinson said. If this were an episode of "The Adventures Of Superman", he would have hired six underworld lowlifes to walk around Metropolis all day with duct tape over their mouths and then Superman would be unable to catch the brainy supervillain for fear of arresting an innocent man. Of course, if this were an episode of "Dragnet", Jack Webb would explain that any underworld lowlife who earned his money by wearing a duct-tape gag couldn't possibly be an innocent man. -> "It was very brave (of the officers) to separate him from the -> public," he said. "They really were faced with a situation that -> they had to take immediate action on and they made the choice to -> put themselves in harm's way." -> -> A bomb squad robot removed the tape. Robinson said once the tape -> was taken off, Lewis spat out an unidentified object, which was -> not an explosive device. Was it that thing that Willie Whistle kept in his mouth all morning on Channel 38? I'm going to write to "Ask The Manager" to ask that Willie Whistle's mouth be duct-taped shut. And nose. DEAR CHANNEL 38 PLEASE BRING BACK WILLIE WHISTLE SO WE CAN TAPE HIM UP GOOD. -> [...] -> -> Robinson said he did not know why the man launched the bizarre -> robbery, whether he got into the bank's vault, whether he got -> any money or, if so, how much and whether it was recovered. Cue Jack Webb: "You don't know much about anything, do you?" All I know is that if your fetish is for photos of guys kneeling with their hands behind their back cuffed to fences while a robot rips the duct-tape gag off their mouth, this story's good for you. See the photo at http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/articles/1004bomb.html or http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_09_bomb_in_mouth.jpg It's like "Saturn 3", except if Farrah Fawcett had a bomb duct-taped to the inside of her eyelid. And was a black man. But in any case he must have more acting talent than Farrah. Didn't there used to be a poster where she was in that same pose? Of course, it was just a rip-off of one Bettie Page did, but still, I bet Dave Foley covers his TV screen with that poster whenever "Logan's Run" and "Saturn 3" aren't on. -- K. DEAR NEWSPAPER PLEASE POST MORE PHOTOS OF KNEELING GUYS BEING MOUTH-RAPED BY R2D2. NO WEIRDOS. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kinkiest bomb threat ever! Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 19:09:56 -0400 I just wrote: > > [www.azcentral.com] > -> > -> TUCSON -- An Army sergeant based at Fort Huachuca walked into a > -> bank Monday, his mouth covered in duct tape, and presented a > -> note saying he had a bomb in his mouth, police said. Other reports of this important event: [www.kold.com] => => Police responded to a silent alarm. They handcuffed Lewis to a fence, => and then the bomb squad sent in a robot to remove duct tape from his face. "And then they sent in a robot to remove duct tape from his face" is such a cliche'. Half the stories about Kirk and Spock end with that sentence. [www.svherald.com] -> -> "He spit out whatever it was he had in his mouth." Robinson said. -> "It wasn't an explosive. It was soggy." Well, that rules out a Rice-Chex-based bomb. Maybe he was trying to re-create a classic Woody Allen moment and he had gum in his mouth but in the note he misspelled "gub" as "bomb". I turned up a few larger versions of the soon-to-be-classic photo... Now with Kubrickian framing! http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_09_bomb_in_mouth_2.jpg Now you're getting way too close! You can see stubble getting ripped out! http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_09_bomb_in_mouth_3.jpg Now decolorized, with special guest star, the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man! http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_09_bomb_in_mouth_4.jpg Why did I name the files "2005_09" instead of "2005_10"? Because it's still last month in my brain. Yay! My brain can travel back in time! I want to know why photo #4 is in black and white. Who still takes B&W photos these days? I thought all newspapers went to full color back in the 1980s so they could print "Garfield" Sunday strips seven days a week. -- K. How come stuff this exciting never happens around here? I never get to see cops in cool blastproof gear except in years the Red Sox don't suck. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Things that don't go well with leather jackets Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 19:44:29 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > 1. Sparkling clean white sneakers. Agreed. Sneakers are for little kids and the children's TV show hosts who lie to them about how special they are from beyond the grave. Wow, that was dark. Shame on you for bringing up Mr. Rogers's rotting corpse. I just said you could visit his gravesite, not start excavating! > 2. Fade denim jeans. Agreed. You'll never see me wearing a pair of jeans which are even remotely blue. Fortunately, they make them in black. > 3. Top Gun patches sown onto the jackets. Agreed, especially if by "sown" you mean "grown from seeds sprouting among the fungus living in the lining of the jacket." > 4. Undercover ticket inspectors. Now hold it right there. All police officers should wear leather jackets, whether or not they're riding their motorcycles on whatever subway you were trying to evade fare on. At least here in Boston the cops ride real Harleys, not Kawasakis like the guys on "CHiPs". And not a different bike every two scenes like Fonzie. Police officers should also wear those leather gloves with a pound of birdshot in each knuckle, and carry real riot batons, not the silly collapsible hollow ones. A Mag-Lite is an acceptable substitute if it's black and takes at least 9 "D" batteries -- no "AA" flashlights! German motorcycle cops recently changed from grass green leatherwear to grass green Gore-Tex. I think to compensate for that, British cops should change from the fluorescent lime green Gore-Tex to fluorescent lime green leather. Oh, and those Luxembourgian traffic cops with the "Deep Space Nine" outfits should all carry phasers. And the country should just shorten its name to "Borg". At least I think it's Luxembourg where they have the black jumpsuits with the red shoulders. But I can't find any photos to confirm I'm not confusing it with some other country too small to exist in photographs. All I could find was a photo of a candy-coated Eurobike with nobody on it: http://membres.lycos.fr/motardspm/hpbimg/LUXEMBOURG%20BMW%20R%201150.jpg mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_10_luxembourg_cycle.jpg Andrew Pearson, could you please tell me whether or not Luxembourg motorcycle police wear "Star Trek" uniforms? And could you tell lycos.fr that the Web standards say I'm supposed to be allowed to represent spaces in filenames as either "%20" or "+" so I can make the above link look less weird? Anyway, Tim, sorry you got busted for forgetting to pay for the subway ride. Maybe next time you should consider just walking across Australia. The country's really not so big if you take a shortcut right across the middle. There's a restroom at the top of Ayers Rock, right? -- K. So, Tim, if you don't like "Top Gun" jackets, how _would_ you dress your local undercover police officers? And what about undercover cowboys and undercover construction workers? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Things that don't go well with leather jackets Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 21:11:15 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now hold it right there. All police officers should wear leather > > jackets, whether or not they're riding their motorcycles on whatever > > subway you were trying to evade fare on. > > I did pay my fare on the tram, I even have a monthly zone 1 ticket and I > got a voucher for a free cup of coffee. Here you can get a Twilight Zone ticket but only if you take the Boylston Shuttle from the lower level of Copley through the tunnel under the Charles River. I keep meaning to walk over to the offices of the Atlantic Monthly and complain about what they did to that story. If they'd left the London subway station names alone, the story wouldn't have seemed so obviously insane. > No one tried the "not in those shoes" line on the inspectors this time > though. Try singing two bars of "Y-M-C-A" at them. I'm sure cops love that. Also you should be wearing a chicken costume or be an elephant, so that this can lead to a new nichtlustig.de panel. Yes, I read German comic strips. Except for the German version of "Fred Basset". That one sucks in any language. Note that the guy who draws it has been dead over ten years and still nobody's noticed they're all re-runs. Fans of "Fred Basset", if any, keep reading it day after day desperately hoping that today will be the day it contains a punchline, or a straight line, or anything happening, but nothing ever does. Also Fred Basset needs more scenes in morgues, and a guy trapped inside a wall. Come to think of it, "Peanuts" should do that too. Charlie Brown should be boarded up in one of the walls of Snoopy's doghouse, and Schroeder should have Beethoven's actual corpse on top of his tiny piano. And Garfield should just choke to death on a hairball. I'm sorry, but he's just not as funny as the Junior Jumble. Or the coverage of terrorist bombings. Garfield's so unfunny that newspapers could use the space to reprint reports about the Lindberg baby, or old diagrams of Ronald Reagan's prostate. Or anything else that's not Fred Basset. -- K. Fred Bassett and Garfield combined are still only half as funny as Mary Worth. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dear Nigeria, Part Two Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 19:48:49 -0400 Dear Nigeria: I told you before, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Should your country send me one more scam, I will fine the bogus E-mail address it was sent from twenty-five cents. There, that oughta stop them forever! Also please tell China that nobody reads Chinese outside of China. Thank you. -- K. How come I never get spammed by Canadians? Oh, right, the whole polite and civilized thing. It makes me so mad that they're better than we are! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear Nigeria, Part Two Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 06:16:19 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Dear Nigeria: > > > > [...] > > Should your country send me one more scam, I will fine the bogus E-mail > > address it was sent from twenty-five cents. > > Can I use your bank account to sneak that 25¢ out of the country? > You can keep 50% of it. Sure! Just fly to my local airport and bring it to me in person. My goons will treat you to a delightful smorgasbord instead of socking you over the head with a sock filled with pennies and throwing you in the trunk of a Studebaker and demanding the remaining twelve and a half cents as ransom, plus a third of a cent interest. You can believe me when I say you will _not_ be kidnapped because kidnappers like me never lie. And if you act now, you can also buy this special solvent which can turn newspaper soaked in motor oil into brand new, never-gotten-dirty- in-the-first-place currency! I don't have time to demonstrate the whole process now, but here's a sample of currency I cleaned earlier today, isn't it lovely? Also, you'll get an In-The-Shell Egg Scrambler! All you need is an egg plus an extra shell. Mash the egg through this tiny port here, strain out some of the shell fragments, then shake up the slurry and pour it into your spare eggshell and glue the eggshell shut and presto, you've scrambled an egg without making a mess! _Now_ how much will your ransom be? But wait! There's more! Fly to my local airport within the next ten minutes and you'll receive this delightful wall clock that sings the "Meow Mix" jingle every ten seconds! The clock is simple to use, with none of those confusing "off" switches! And the batteries never run down because it's nuclear! Do it now! -- K. You're not supposed to know this, but I'm also a Fizzbin shark. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear Nigeria, Part Two Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 07:21:27 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Sure! Just fly to my local airport and bring it to me in person. > > My goons will treat you to a delightful smorgasbord instead of socking > > you over the head with a sock filled with pennies and throwing you in > > the trunk of a Studebaker and demanding the remaining twelve and a half > > cents as ransom, plus a third of a cent interest. You can believe me when > > I say you will _not_ be kidnapped because kidnappers like me never lie. > > [...] sounds like a hoot! Are you applying to be a goon, or the party entertainment? 'Cause if you want to be a goon, I'll have to see a resume. And it better be strong in "bone-cracking", "grenade-lobbing", and "applied coercion" (none of that theoretical coercion.) You'll also have to provide a transcript of your GAT score -- if you haven't yet taken the Goon Aptitude Test, lean on your guidance counselor until he tells you about it. Also, bring pennies for socks. Now, if you want to be party entertainment, you will fall out at 0600 hours, wearing a helmet liner and carrying a spoon, unless you get that reference, in which case you should just feel very ashamed. Otherwise there are some release forms you'll have to sign, all in blood, especially the one which authorizes us to take your blood. Some of your blood may eventually be returned to you, along with part of one of your shoelaces and half your driver's license. You will grant us power of attorney and power of Superman with better fashion sense. (Superman would look so much better in a ski mask.) Also, bring clean socks for our filthy pennies. Do you agree that the word "filthy" is a fun word to say? -- K. "Dirty" is a silly word, no matter how hard you lean on it -- "dirrrrrrrrrty" -- but "filthy", now that's a word with zing. Shame on you if you get that reference too. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear Nigeria, Part Two Date: Thu, 06 Oct 2005 16:21:13 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Are you applying to be a goon, or the party entertainment? > > I was thinking of trying to break into gonzo journalism. Dude, you'll never be able to take enough drugs to do that. Plus I really don't think Sonny Barger wants you hanging around typing on a laptop computer. "But, Sonny! It's hard to update my LiveJournal on this bumpy road! I can't hold onto the sissy bar and type at the same time! Slow down, I almost fell off the bitch seat!" I think that instead you should try clown journalism. That's where you wear party clown makeup and then ask important people serious questions. Then at the end of the interview you pie 'em. Come to think of it, skip the interview. Clown journalism should just consist of you throwing pies at people until they confess their misdeeds. Make those pies sting for justice. -- K. And for once, can someone throw a chocolate cream pie instead of one that's white all the way through? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.bio.misc,sci.med,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: can chicken eggs carry the bird flu virus Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 02:31:04 -0400 In sci.bio.misc and sci.med, Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Saw a PBS program on the bird flue virus and whether it becomes > pandemic. I hear it comes down your chimney unless you close that little thing inside. They should make up a word for that little chimney trap door. > I have a question as to whether chickens found to have bird > flu whether they can transmit the virus into the eggs we eat. If we > ever have a rising epidemic, not pandemic, ...you should be safe because I think this only infects birds and humans. > I would like to know if eggs are safe before going on a all peanut > or nut diet and say the heck with all meat. Dear Nobel Prize Committee, I respectfully nominate Archimedes Plutonium for the Nobel Prize For The Most Perfect Straight Line Ever. Should you require any supplemental documentation as to whether he's on an all-nut diet, I refer you to everything he's ever written. Thank you for your attention regarding this important nutter. And by the way... Have you heard? He's on an all-nut diet! > I hope it never comes to that where I subsist off the food in > my orchards. But who knows, I never would have guessed the Berlin Wall > would come down by 1990s. Arch, the things _you_ couldn't guess could fill half of Germany. > Everyone living off of peanuts and tofu is not so bad. I dunno, I think Hitler disproves your theory. He was a vegetarian (or at least he claimed to be, he did eat a sausage now and then) and I'm pretty sure he _was_ so bad. And since you were just nominated for a Nobel Prize, because Hitler disproved your theory, now Hitler is automatically nominated for the Uber-Nobel Prize For Disproving A Nobel Prize Nominee's Wacky Theory. -- K. And what _are_ you eating under there? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Not even pretending to have integrity Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 02:52:44 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > The local news isn't even pretending to have integrity anymore. > > [...] > > And the topper? It wasn't even in our VIEWING AREA. We had three > minutes spent on CRAP. And how many threes of minutes did you spend posting about it to Usenet? Sorry for eliding most of what you said, but that was easier than reading it. -- K. something something nougatine ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Not even pretending to have integrity Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 19:31:33 -0400 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > I plead the fifth, because whatever response I give, you weirdos will > > just come forth with the opposite to antagonize me. > > FLAWLESS VICTORY!!!!! Lots42 has figured it out. The question is, will > he remember tomorrow. He'll be pretty busy, since for that answer R. Lee Ermey just promoted him to squad leader and assigned him to teach the fat guy how to clean his rifle. Of course, he'll get relieved of that duty once Sgt. Ermey catches Lots sitting on Scott Thompson's lap while they're watching "Full Metal Jacket". Uh oh, I got my "Brain Candy" in your Kubrick. I wonder what makes R. Lee Ermey laugh? He sure didn't crack up during his scenes in "Run Ronnie Run", but that movie couldn't even make Jerry Seinfeld crack up. KRAMER Jerry, I'm sorry, I accidentally murdered Elaine. JERRY (very loudly) OH NO, NOW I AM VERY SAD (starts giggling) SHE'S DEAD! (rolls around on the floor laughing and then Kramer throws the cue cards at him) GEORGE And by the way, Jerry, the National Enquirer just did a story about you cheating on your fourteen-year-old girlfriend with a twelve-year-old. JERRY (very loudly) OH NO, I AM NOW EXTREMELY (giggling) ANNOYED! (laughs so hard a mixture of milk and Superman cereal comes out of his nose) The only way "Run Ronnie Run" would have been funny would have been if it had had both R. Lee Ermey and Scott Thompson in it. Oh, wait, it did. And yet somehow they wasted the world's greatest golden opportunity for comedy that writes itself by not having Sgt. Ermey screaming at Private Thompson while Thompson did push-ups with Ermey on his -- well, let's just say that "Brain Candy" isn't the world's greatest movie, but it sure was funnier than "Run Ronnie Run". I'm not sure whether "Brain Candy" or "Full Metal Jacket" was funnier. "Full Metal Jacket" had some damn funny moments. Kubrick should've made comedies. How come he never made a comedy? He should've done one with James Earl Jones in it. Now that man new funny! Too bad he's been purchased by Verizon and turned into Mickey Mouse. "LOOK! I EXIST!" -- Mickey Mouse -- K. Mickey is such a sell-out. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Not even pretending to have integrity Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 19:01:15 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > I plead the fifth, because whatever response I give, you weirdos will > just come forth with the opposite to antagonize me. Are you saying we're homophobes? -- K. And I plead the sixth, but I seven the sandbox. Your turn, Bert! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kevin Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 03:16:20 -0400 Zixia (abuse@clu.org.uk) wrote: > > [...] > > Take it to e-mail, killfile Leo, leave the group, join a Federal > Protection Program, shut the fuck up. Whatever. No one gives a > shit what made-up threats you've been getting. And if you are a > big enough pussy that you can't take someone telling you they'll > shove an umbrella down your throat and open it, EVEN WITHOUT THE > THREAT OF RAIN, before squirting lemon juice in your eyes but it > isn't really juice it is PEE from someone who drank loads of BBQ > sauce so it attracts Peruvian eye-eating ants who then, somewhat > predictably, EAT YOUR EYES, weeks after you've had LASIK surgery > and you'd just got used to seeing properly again, all because of > the fact you spelt someone's name wrong, even though you had not > really spelt their name wrong it was just that the font used for > the post kinda made it look like it was spelt wrong so it was an > accident all along, then you're in the wrong group. Wait, I was ignoring this whole boring flamewar between two people trying to out-blather each other until you right-justified the magic word. What's this about the wrong font being used on something? Did someone say that the New York bitmaps were based on Times Roman when they were clearly Apple Garamond until the TrueType version was created? Did someone draw an ampersand that curled the wrong way? I'm getting out my spare crate of guns. Also, a better way to make your pee taste bad is just to _not_ drink anything for a while. Or so my high school guidance counselor told me. You can learn more by going to the library and asking, "Hello, you are a Reference Librarian, so tell me why my pee doesn't taste bad enough," and then posting about how the library discriminates against perfectly normal wackos. -- K. Is one of the two boring people you're complaining about that moronic spammer who thinks all nouns are puns but even so only ever manages to think of the same three of them over and over? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This should be more popular than Sonic the Hedgehog at least Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 07:30:06 -0400 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > The lobstermen in my family call lobsters "rats of the sea". I like to think of them as giant cockroaches that can't be drowned. > They also consider them to be dumber than dirt. Well, they're too dumb to know how to drown! > They call their lobster catching devices "pots" not "traps". > If you look at a pot carefully you will see there is no trap at all. Uh-uh. I'm not falling for the old "LOOK: IT'S NOT A TRAP!" trick again. Fool me eight times, shame on you, fool me nine times, shame on me. > Once the lobsters find a way in to get at the bait, they are just > too dumb to find their way out. They figure for every lobster in > a pot there are probably four lobsters milling around outside of it, > too stupid to find their way in. That's why Charles Darwin designed the traps that way. 'Cause he hated stupid animals. He was hoping that the smart ones, such as monkeys, would someday rule the world! I think oysters are dumber than lobsters. An oyster on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" would probably use all three of its lifelines on the $100 question, which would be about oysters. -- K. Fun fact: An oyster's brain contains precisely three nerve cells. That must be true because I remember reading it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This should be more popular than Sonic the Hedgehog at least Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 15:59:36 -0400 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > > > > > Once the lobsters find a way in to get at the bait, they are just > > > too dumb to find their way out. They figure for every lobster in > > > a pot there are probably four lobsters milling around outside of it, > > > too stupid to find their way in. > > > > That's why Charles Darwin designed the traps that way. 'Cause he > > hated stupid animals. He was hoping that the smart ones, such as > > monkeys, would someday rule the world! > > MUST ... MUST RESIST ... DAMN!!!! > > The slightly smarter lobsters, ie the ones that made it into the pots, > are typically eaten. Overall one might expect the effect of lobster > fishing to be an overall lowering of lobster IQ until it goes negative. Allow me to repeat, in a louder voice. That's why Charles Darwin designed the traps THAT WAY, TO ENCOURAGE THE LOWERING OF LOBSTER INTELLIGENCE. 'Cause he hated STUPID ANIMALS LIKE LOBSTERS. He was hoping that the SMART ones, such as MONKEYS WHO AREN'T LOBSTERS BECAUSE MONKEYS ARE NOT LOBSTERS, would someday rule the world! See, Darwin liked monkeys. That was proved in that famous court case, which is why he could never go to Texas again, what with those strict sodomy laws. As proof that monkeys are smarter than lobsters, I point out that no chimp has ever been caught by a lobster trap at the bottom of the ocean. -- K. And Chinese Lobster Traps only work if the lobster can get both his claws jammed into them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This should be more popular than Sonic the Hedgehog at least Date: Thu, 06 Oct 2005 06:36:01 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Claudine Chionh (claudine@chionh.org) wrote: > > > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > > > But let's talk about your birthday. This needs to be BIG. I seem > > > to vaguely recall 30 being great. What ideas have you been kicking > > > around? > > > > > > Party? Dinner? Theater? All three? > > > > A picnic seems to be the default option among my social circle. > > > > Maybe I could bring clowns. Or hey, a whole return-to-childhood theme, > > brazenly stolen from one of the twenty-somethings I know. > > Oy! This requires some Kibo thought. I don't know what to do with picnics > and clowns and google is no help, unless you're really into the kinks > that come with " clowns picnics adults ". WHO DARES REQUIRE KIBO? I AM NOT TO BE REQUIRED, DEMANDED, SUMMONED, OR BLATANTLY INVOKED! I AM ONLY TO BE TRICKED INTO VOLUNTARILY PARTICIPATING THROUGH AN OFFER OF SUBSTANTIAL CASH REWARDS! Ahem. Picnics are boring, unless you have them indoors in the middle of the Telephone Museum so you can pretend you're staging the world's squarest possible hippie sit-in. Clowns are boring, unless they're very small and in a little glass jar you can shake really hard to see them leave dozens of tiny face-shaped greasepaint prints. Adults are boring, unless... well, I guess adults are just boring by definition. That's how you know you're a grownup -- it's when you start being boring. Therefore I think the proper way to celebrate your 30th birthday is with a boring party. Decorate your party space by removing all the decorations, wallpaper, and furniture. Paint the windows with opaque red and gray paint to look like you have a view of a brick wall. Rent DVDs of William Shatner's "Incubus" and William Shatner's "Mind Meld". Serve macrobiotic food. Play WFF'n'Proof and Spin The Perpetual Motion Machine. Vote for Al Gore. Read "The Great Gatsby" aloud in a bad British accent except don't make that funny the way Andy Kaufman did. Wear hospital gowns. And as mementos of how boring the party way, E-mail all your guests hundreds of spams. -- K. What kinks would those be? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is not my beautiful multi-ethnic cuisine. Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 16:21:29 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > OK, yesterday's lunch was the WORST MELANGE EVER created by our cafeteria > at least until today. They made a promise based on customer feedback to > provide some kind of full meal for $3.49 every day, and it's usually > amazingly stupid but somewhat bearable, but this was ridiculous. > > "Chicken egg rolls" sounded sort of reasonable with the possibility of > some vegetables lurking inside. But no. Fried breaded chicken wrapped > up in wonton pastry with maybe one tiny shard of onion and no eggs > anywhere in sight and then fried AGAIN, served over dirty rice with red > and black beans, with sweet and sour sauce poured over it, does NOT make > for the "Chinese Mexican" that New York City was all in a rave about last > year. The thing about cafeterias is that if the food is bad, they re-cook it and serve it again tomorrow. Because you didn't eat those refried ersatz egg rolls made from chicken nuggets yesterday, today you'll see them reappear in some sort of soup, then tomorrow they'll be in the lasagna, and on Friday in the ice cream. Who is this "Chinese Mexican"? Fu Man Leguizamo? -- K. And how come restaurants can't agree whether General Gao, General Tso, or General Chang invented chicken? The Commies are lying, anyway, we all know that Colonel Sanders did it first. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is not my beautiful multi-ethnic cuisine. Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 16:26:52 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > It did, however, serve to remind me that the real Chinese Mexican people > > have opened a shop across from Vassar College, and that's where I should > > go before rehearsal tonight instead of Wendy's. > > Dear Glen: You have stumbled upon one of the most important of life's > facts. Never get ethnic food from someone who is not of that > ethniticity. Except for Filthistani food. You want to get that made by people from Hygenia. > Another of life's most important facts is that Kibo cannot control his > compulision to punch Siamese twins. Sorry. Hope you're okay. And please tell your identical twin sister I was only trying to hit your side. So have you two considered opening a Thai restaurant? -- K. HEY, STOP KISSING HER! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: DSL And Aborting (A Post) Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 16:40:49 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > The library's DSL is choking on Google Groups. I'd have more on this > topic but it involves questions and I am no longer allowed to ask > questions here. Just because the librarians are conspiring against you is no reason to stop going to the library just to troll for Usenet porn. If you stop asking them to look up acronyms like "MILF" and "K/S" for you they'll leave you alone. I liked that story you wrote where a Transporter accident fused you and Lt. Uhura into Siamese twins. Except she's Bantu, not Swahili. You should change that so the story's true. -- K. Why are libraries weirdo magnets? And why don't they ever put them in the same neighborhoods as the strip clubs? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: DSL And Aborting (A Post) Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 19:11:22 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > See, everyone? -That's- the type of funny that I am of the opinion is > sevrely lacking in this newsgrope. Shouldn't you be watching "Seinfeld"? > That's partly why I get so grumpy. The other parts are A) trolling, > B) painkiller drugs, C) fear of bees and D) fear of Wilford Brimley. Why are you afraid of Wilford Brimley? I'm sure he would be very gentle while molesting you. UH OH I WENT TOO FAR! THIS GOT SQUICKY! Sorry, let's forget I called Wilford Brimley a rapist. There was no cause for that. He's a very nice man and he sells oatmeal and diabetes testing supplies, and so millions know him and love him as the corporate spokesman for bowel movements and lancets. Anyway, go watch "Seinfeld". Tonight they're showing that episode where Kramer bricks up his mailbox. They got some really scary old guy to play the evil Postmaster General! -- K. From now on I'm going to imagine you look like Wayne Knight, especially if I can pretend your list includes E) fear of oven mitts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: DSL And Aborting (A Post) Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 21:29:31 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > [...] the answers I get here are usually (paraphrased) 'You're not > > allowed to ask questions'. > > Lots. You know me. I've known you since you were a kid. I sent you > that blue bra photo of me to help get you through puberty. It's not > my fault that it turned you gay, if it did. Not that there's anything > wrong with that. Hey, we could settle this by a process of elimination. Everyone, raise your hand if it's not your fault that Lots turned gay. Who's gonna be the scorekeeper? I'm raising my hand, and from here I can see Johnny Damon raising his, and Adam West, and Marge Simpson, and Dr. Seuss, and Dr. Layman E. Allen, and Cher, and Alfred Hitchcock, and Yoda, and Gorgeous George, and the Taco Bell dog. > But I am just saying--- you can ax me whatever questions you want, > anytime, free of charge. I'm sure Lots is smart enough to know that you get what you pay for. Lots, you can ask me any question you want for just $5.00. Or buy ten for only $99 -- the more you buy, the more you save, so keep giving me money and you'll be rich! > I would like to be your friend, and I promise not to touch you > where your bathing suit covers. Unfortunately, he doesn't wear one. So you've now promised to touch him all over. Too late to back out now! I guess you can wear gloves. > Also, I am willing to give you candy and whatever left-over pain > killers I get at the dentist. What sort of candy has your dentist been giving you? Sticky caramels, or jawbreakers, or those "French burnt peanuts" that are harder than diamonds? > I have pretty much always enjoyed your posts, although the ones > about the gum wrappers and the Big Mac containers in the alley > confused me a little. Never mind. You just ignore these ignoramuses > here, and ax away. Okaythen. What's an ignoramuses? -- K. What's a question? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: DSL And Aborting (A Post) Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 22:26:47 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Because the answers I get here are usually (paraphrased) 'You're not > > allowed to ask questions'. > > > > It's a vicious circle, much like Clearwater, FL traffic. > > Maybe that should be, "You just don't like the answers you > misinterpret here," then. It's not called "misinterpreting", it's called "auditing". Can't you see he's having trouble with some bad engrams, body Thetans, withholds on exteriorization, and a bunch of R6 bank implants? He needs to get out of the Clearwater traffic circle and run into the nearest building and sign up for some expensive Scientology. (Clearwater is the only city where one can assert that "the nearest building" will be some sort of Scientology de-brainification center, since they haven't yet finished taking over the heterosexual parts of Hollywood.) Around here we don't have traffic circles, we have these weird things called "rotaries" which are sort of like a cross between a traffic circle and a Masonic lodge. > Honestly, you are liked. I like you. You're sometimes a funny guy, > much like many of us. I really think the teasing is an indication of > fondness, sort of like siblings who are more comfortable picking on > each other. If you're proposing we should play house with Lots42, I call dibs on being the daddy. The two of you can work out who's the mommy and who's the big baby. > Either that, or people are planning to batter and deep fry you > (evil grin). I was thinking lighter, more microwavey. -- K. I don't understand why "playing house" never involves pretending to be a foundation, the walls, and the leaky roof. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: DSL And Aborting (A Post) Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 23:38:14 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If you're proposing we should play house with Lots42, I call dibs > > on being the daddy. The two of you can work out who's the mommy > > and who's the big baby. > > I want to be the big baby, so I can drive the big, nuclear-powered > bulldozer! Lots42 can be the mommy, cuz mommies have to do yuckie > stuff like have sex with daddies. Ewww, gross! Fine, let the baby have his nukes! Okay now I'm going to work okay now I'm coming home from work okay I'm home I want dinner now! I'm hungry because my job is to be President Of The United States and so if I say I'm hungry you have to cook me dinner or go to jail! Also I'm a Power Ranger, RAWRRRR!!! (STAMPS FEET TO INDICATE HUNGER AND PRESIDENTIALITY) -- K. "Baby With A Bulldozer" would be a great album title. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: DSL And Aborting (A Post) Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 19:22:52 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > The library's DSL is choking on Google Groups. I'd have more on this > > topic but it involves questions and I am no longer allowed to ask > > questions here. > > Let me see if my answer matches you non-existant question: > > It may very well be that it is not their DSL, but the library's adult- > content filter that is causing the chokage. Okay, everyone, from now on we have to spell "peanus" and "veegina" just so Lots42 can see them in the library. > I ran into that problem when checking on the status of an online > tax-return filing. It required a password, and the old biddies > that wrote the filter had decided that if something required a > password, it must be pr0n. Especially if it is on that renouned > pit of filth that is H&R Block's webbage. Typing in a password for your financial records on a public computer is really not a bright thing to do. Also, it says here that you tried to deduct $15,000 worth of surgery to enlarge your peanus. Seriously, if you're going to type a password into a computer shared by perverts at the library, you might as well just post your password on your Web site, like Archimedes "33muon67" Plutonium did so he wouldn't lose the mail telling him that his password was "33muon67". He's a genius. Don't be like him. -- K. If all else fails, Lots, just ask the librarian to help you find Vonnegut's "Breakfast Of Champions" so you can see the dirty pictures. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: DSL And Aborting (A Post) Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 23:33:11 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, everyone, from now on we have to spell "peanus" and "veegina" > > just so Lots42 can see them in the library. > > I also have an internet connection at home, you dingaling. THEN GET OUT OF THE LIBRARY, BOZO!!! > > Typing in a password for your financial records on a public computer > > is really not a bright thing to do. > > The library's computer keeps asking me if I want to save my password > onto the computer. No way. I don't want the librarian changing around > my icons on my GreatestJournal.com page. You think clicking "no" there actually keeps you safe? Wow, you're very trusting. Want to buy a bridge or three? Clicking "don't save my password" doesn't do much good. Just about every publicly-accessible computer these days has a keystroke-logger, or BackOrifice, or something else bad people have hidden on it to eat your password. And you can't know if someone has a packet- sniffer on the same subnet, or could have configured a router to redirect you through some proxy that'll log what you do. Unless you bring your own computer and set up a VPN, you should never, ever, _ever_ type any sort of password into a public computer. Whenever I'm in a library or airport or other place with a public computer, I poke around to see what's running (bang alt-tab a few times, ctrl-alt-del to see the Task Manager, etc.) and something like 99.99999999999999999% of those computers have fifty copies of herpes running around in their systrays. It's a law of computing: Any computer open to access by all will be laden with evilware within five minutes. And remember, even if the computer were "clean", software-wise, any other computer on the LAN could be eavesdropping on it, or there could be one of those little hardware key-loggers hidden inside the computer or keyboard... Seriously, typing a password into a publicly-abusable computer is the single worst _possible_ thing you can do security-wise. Would it be smart to tell your password to even one random stranger if they said they weren't going to remember it? No. So why give your password to a computer that can be operated by thousands of evil library patrons? Typing your password into an untrustworthy computer really isn't any different from answering one of those friendly Russian E-mail messages asking for you to please be sending your password of account direct to the Moscow, da? -- K. Most of the people at the BPL seem to have figured out how to break out of the Web browser's "kiosk" (escape-proof) mode by selecting "Help", then "Print", then clicking on the link for Windows Help when the printing fails, and bang, they're in the Windows desktop. You just can't tamper-proof a Windows machine, especially if you're the sort of library that can't even keep your Xerox machines running. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: DSL And Aborting (A Post) Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 16:55:24 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > How do I know if I'm a jerk or not? Simple. Go see any live magic act. The patter invariably involves the magician asking for a volunteer from the audience to tighten his straitjacket "with a steady pull, not a jerk" just so that then when the guy tightens it, the magician can say he's a jerk. I've seen Blackstone do that bit in person, and Copperfield do it on TV. Alas, they never face the right way for you to see precisely where the intentional design defect in their easy-to- escape-from straitjacket is. And how come real mail sacks aren't big enough to lock a person inside? This is why I never became a postal worker. No place to hide the bodies. -- K. I don't think Doug Henning ever escaped from a straitjacket, though I heard there was one special where he burst out of his tight glittery leotard. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Of Paths And Quads Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 17:54:57 -0400 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > Old New England roads followed the paths that cows made when driven from > farm to town. I dunno, I think the taxi driver was the one setting the course, not the cows in the back seat. I don't agree with people's claims that downtown Boston's crappy layout is because of cows. IT'S A TINY FREAKIN' PENINSULA! THERE COULDN'T HAVE BEEN A BUNCH OF FARMS HERE! You got space for maybe three cows to graze in all of Boston. That's why the Common and Public Garden have a frog pond and a duck pond -- there's no room for a whole cow. And in those days, you had to go along a long, narrow peninsula (accessible only from the West) to get to Boston -- they hadn't filled in the Back Bay, and the cows didn't have a subway they could take from Cambridge. So I think the popular conception that people were taking their cows to graze on the Common is cow hockey. Know why the roads in Boston are so screwy? Because Boston was settled in the olden days, when people were stupid. And know why the roads are full of potholes? Because people are still stupid. And know why the signage on the roads is so poor? Because they're trying to keep everyone stupid. It's just that the first settlers put their houses wherever they wanted, and then they put the roads wherever they wanted, and unfortunately once government was invented it was too late, there were already weird little streets all over and to this day not even the powerful forces that control the Massachusetts government (the Mormons) can straighten out that right-angle bend where Tremont street meets itself. Also nobody can get DeLorme to remove the imaginary road that runs through the middle of my living room according to their lousy mapping software. Seriously, if anyone has a theory they think is better than "because people are stupid", I'd like to hear it, unless the theory is actually better than mine, in which case keep it to yourself. ARGH! PEOPLE ARE STUPID! -- K. I'm glad I'm better than people. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "seaQuest" to come horribly, horribly true, and also, Scrabble Date: Wed, 05 Oct 2005 18:55:16 -0400 [abc.net.au] -> -> Scientists have taught dolphins to combine both rhythm and -> vocalisations to produce music, resulting in an extremely -> high-pitched, short version of the Batman theme song. And I used to think dolphins were smart. Fortunately, humans never communicate by making annoying sounds. Except... [bbc.co.uk] => => Welsh is the new word in Scrabble => => By Nick Horton => BBC Wales news website => => You won't find an X, Q or Z in the Welsh-language version of => Scrabble. Then how will they spell "Quorn"? Well, I suppose they could just spell "diarrhea-inducing mildew-based nuggets" instead. => But while those letters are missing from the Welsh alphabet, => double F and L feature prominently in the latest version of the => popular board word game. => => Scrabble yn Gymraeg (in Welsh) has been released amid hopes it => will be popular with native speakers at home and abroad, and => learners of the language. => => Some 2,500 copies of the game have been produced initially, with => backing from the Welsh Books Council. One assumes it will also get a product placement on the new "Doctor Who", where the Daleks are forever trying to conquer Cardiff, the center of the cheaper half of the British TV industry. Oops, I just implied Wales was part of Britain. I'm gonna get flamed without any vowels. => Scrabble maker Mattel describes it as the world's best-selling => word game, with 100 million copies sold in 29 languages. ...leading to over a billion arguments! => Dewi Morris Jones of the Welsh Books Council said the idea had => been around for many years to produce a Welsh edition. => => The council worked closely with Leisure Trends, who have the => licence for the game, to come up with the right combination of => letters and scores. => => Computer checks were run on a million words in the University of => Wales dictionary of Welsh, as well as 800,000 words in the Welsh => Bible. Part of the charm of real Scrabble is that Alfred Butts didn't use a computer when he came up with that wacky letter distribution that leaves you with at least one hand of "AAAAAAA" every game, and not even enough "S"s to make a Superman outfit. New Super Scrabble has a more rational distribution of letters. Less "AAAAAAA" and more "S". => The result was that more common Welsh letters, such as Y and W, => are worth only one point. In addition, letters which often appear => together such as NG or RH, appear on one tile and are worth 10 => points, although the more widely used DD is valued at one point. I'm going to buy one of these just so I can cheat at real Scrabble by filling the other player's hand with seven one-point "W"s. => Welsh words often mutate, depending on the context in which they => are used. But Mr Morris Jones said that while words which mutate => in the middle are allowed in the game, words which have mutated at => the start are forbidden. What? Mutated words aren't fungible? That's craptastic! => Therefore, for example, Cymraeg (Welsh) is permitted, but its => mutated form, Gymraeg, is not. Gymraeg can only be used after a => word which causes it to change -- for example, yn Gymraeg (in Welsh). => => Quirk => => But camddefnyddio (misuse) can be used, when it mutates from => defnyddio (used). => => One quirk of the game is that even though J is not formally in the => Welsh alphabet, it is in Scrabble, because it is often used in => words such as garej (garage) and jambori (jamboree). => => However, the circumflex seen above letters like "‰" in Si‰n has => been omitted, even though its addition changes the meaning of => words such as ton (wave) and t™n (tune). "Waah! That ruined the meaning of the entire poem I carefully laid out on the Scrabble board!" This is one of the many points that leads to arguments in real Scrabble. Foreign words are allowed, but the rules don't say whether or not you can simply omit diacritical marks and play "elan" and "naive". It's generally assumed you can, because Scrabble players like to be able to make "zoon" no matter how old their dictionary is. The jury's still out on whether you can make "hyaena" if you have an old British dictionary with "ae"-ligatures. => "That was quite an issue," said Mr Morris Jones. "As a matter of => principle we would have liked to have had it, but its use was so => low that it would have cluttered up the game." => => Mr Morris Jones admitted to having been only a minor Scrabble fan => in the past, but he was more likely to play in Welsh. A Welshman named "Jones"? What are the odds of that? Especially since there's no "J" in the Welsh language! Then why is half the Cardiff phone book filled with Joneses? I wonder what the second most common surname in Wales is. (Hint: It means the same thing as "Harrison".) => Philip Nelkon, a four-time Scrabble champion, offered useful => advice to players -- in Welsh or any other language. => => "Vocabulary is one of the prerequisites, but also there's the => ability to be able to see on the rack what you can produce," said => Mr Nelkon. Gee, thanks, Mr. Expert, I didn't before know that knowing lotsa word stuff was good stratego for making what with the Scrabble. Whaddaya I owe ya? => "There's also strategy: if you are ahead you play rather => differently to if you are behind. If you're winning you are => looking to keep the board reasonably closed, if possible. And if you're not focused on winning but on just being sadistic, you seal up the board just to make the other player cry. T QAT TAXIS TEN D There are actually a few plays through there ("biotin"/"to" and "star"/"tent" are obvious) so that's actually not so mean. W VIA BINGE ACE H That's not perfectly mean either ("blot"/"lace", "wren"/"rage".) Q RUE QUILL ELK L You'd have to use a blank for one of the "Q"s, and hide all four "S"s under the table (with the other blank) to prevent "QUILLS", but there you go, a perfect, short game. Or for you sticklers who want to do it without cheating: Q QUO QUIPS OPT S No, wait, that's bad too, because of "quoin"/"is" and "option"/"si". Never mind, I'll just keep the _good_ one a secret so as not to release the devastating knowledge of how to ruin a Scrabble game. => "Also utilise the higher scoring letter for keeping your score => ticking over with lower scoring letter try to keep them back, => which you'll probably be able to use them in a seven-letter word." Yeah, but in Welsh Scrabble, a seven-letter word has nine or ten letters because "LL" and "DD" are single letters. Also, your sentence was incoherent, although every word in it was legal in Scrabble, except the hyphenated one, unless you play with the rule that you can turn an "I" sideways. -- K. Scrabble is too easy. Now, WFF'n'Scrabble, that would be a brain- strainer. Hey, what's the equivalent of "qat" in WFF'n'Proof? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "seaQuest" to come horribly, horribly true, and also, Scrabble Date: Thu, 06 Oct 2005 01:20:49 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > a Q > > tRUE > > QUILL > > gruELKinder > > e L Oh, I would show you such a takedown if we played Scrabble... Which order did you play those in, so I'll know whether to challenge the non-word "qu" or the non-word "uelk"? Hmm, you must have made "uelk" first, because it wouldn't be possible to play "gru...inder" on a single turn unless you found a way to jam an eighth tile into the rack. I challenge your "uelk". Remember, if I challenge and it's not a word, you not only lose a turn, but also, I get to flip over my choice of your sofa cushions to laugh at any funny stains. > > Q > > QUOth > > QUIPS > > OPTant > > S r Again, if you made "tsar" first, I'd challenge "opta". If you made "quoth" first, I'd challenge "ts". If you made "optant" first, I'd challenge "sa". There's a chance some of those might be in your bizarro dictionary, but if you had the sort of dictionary that seemed like it might think "sa" were a word, then I could probably just challenge "optant" and "gruelkinder" 'cause any dictionary with lots of made-up two-letter words won't have room for obscure words. (And remember, if the dictionary capitalizes "Sa" as an abbr for "Saturday", it's not a legal word, and also, it's a misspelling of "Sat".) -- K. I WIN AGAIN!!!!! [applause] ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "seaQuest" to come horribly, horribly true, and also, Scrabble Date: Thu, 06 Oct 2005 01:35:04 -0400 I just wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > > a Q > > > tRUE > > > QUILL > > > gruELKinder > > > e L > > Oh, I would show you such a takedown if we played Scrabble... > > Which order did you play those in, so I'll know whether to challenge > the non-word "qu" or the non-word "uelk"? By the way, I'm perfectly aware that we couldn't have played the capitalized parts without at least one of us making something like "uil" or "lk" in the process, but the rules clearly state that it's way too late for David D'L to challenge now, so haw haw, it's not cheating if I didn't get caught, and it's not cheating if I admit I was cheating, and most importantly, it's not cheating if I try to bait him into claiming I was cheating in the previous article while admitting it in this one which he probably won't see until he's replied to the previous one. Zing! That's the sound of Double Reverse Non-Cheating Potential Trolling With A Twist Of Uelk! I posted this whole article while standing on a Triple Zinger Square. -- K. It's got caffeine. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (new): The Story That Abruptly Stops Halfway Through Date: Thu, 06 Oct 2005 06:43:45 -0400 "Hello, welcome to the Department Of Flarm. Present your Flarm Authorization Card." "Wait, isn't this Sears?" "I'm sorry, but you'll have to present your Flarm Authorization Card before I can help you with that." "I don't even know what Flarm is. I've never heard of it, and frankly, it sounds like you're making it up." "You're right, there's no such thing as Flarm, and if you had actually presented a Flarm Authorization Card you'd be arrested for trying to confuse the Government. Now, stand behind that line and take off your clothes." "But that line's against the wall!" "Sir or Person Of The Non-Male Gender, I didn't paint that line, because I don't work for the Department Of Indicating Where People Have To Stand. This is the Department Of Flarm." "No it isn't. You said there was no Flarm!" "Yes, and this is the Department Of Flarm. There is no such thing as Flarm, because the Department Of Flarm ensures freedom from Flarm." "I think you just said 'Flarm' too many times. I'm leaving." "Sir or Other, I can't allow you to leave without showing me your Flarm Authorization Card unless you have a Flarm Authorization Card, in which case you wouldn't need to show me it." "Okay. It's in my pocket. I'll be leaving now. Hey, where did the door go?" "There are no doors in the Department Of Flarm." "But I just came in!" "I thought you were just leaving." "But --" "Sir or Person, starting two sentences in a row with 'but' is a blatant attempt to contradict the Government. You do know that it is a Federal crime to contradict, disagree with, or ignore the Government?" "Um... I'm going to pretend I know that. I am now agreeing with everything you say, and I'm walking out once you make the door reappear." "That's not an option for you, especially as this story is almost halfway ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (new): Dragnet -- The Big Kitten Date: Thu, 06 Oct 2005 06:58:25 -0400 OLD-TIME-LIKE RADIO THEATRE OF THE PRINTED PAGE PRESENTS: DRAGNET: THE BIG KITTEN (first broadcast in 1946 in my imagination in 2005. Copyright (C) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry, all rights reserved.) ANNOUNCER Kepler's Borated Camphor presents "Dragnet". This week's episode: "The Big Kitten". It was a typical day in the Police Department. FRIDAY My name's Friday. (VERY LONG PAUSE) FRIDAY Joe Friday. (VERY LONG PAUSE) FRIDAY I'm a cop. (FX: "DUM-DA-DUM-DUM", VERY LOUD) FRIDAY I carry a badge. (VERY LONG PAUSE) FRIDAY Because I'm a cop. (FX: "DUM-DA-DUM-DUM-DUMMMMM", VERY LOUD) FRIDAY A man had just been found. He was dead. A hole had been blown through his stomach shortly after eating at White Castle. It was doubtless a common homicide unrelated to the fine quality of White Castle hamburgers. This would be a very interesting case. Men were put on it. I was working the day watch in the Central Division Very Minor Crimes And Nuisances Department. (FX: PAPERS BEING SHUFFLED) FRIDAY Paperwork is a necessary part of the law enforcement process. (FX: PAPERS BEING SHUFFLED, FOR A WHILE) FRIDAY (loudly) Chief, be careful on that ladder. It's rickety. CHIEF (distant and echoey) I know it's rickety. FRIDAY Well use care just the same. CHIEF I'll be fine. FRIDAY What are you doing up there? CHIEF Changing a light bulb. FRIDAY Changing a light bulb? CHIEF Changing a light bulb. FRIDAY A light bulb? CHIEF Light bulb. FRIDAY Bulb. CHIEF Yes. FRIDAY Oh. (FX: PHONE RING) (FX: PHONE RING) FRIDAY I'll answer that. (FX: PHONE RING) (FX: PHONE RING) (FX: PHONE RING) (FX: PHONE RING) CHIEF You gonna answer that? (FX: PHONE RING) FRIDAY Bulletin from the phone company advised us to always wait for the phone to ring ten times. (FX: PHONE RING) CHIEF I think that's only when you initiate a call. (FX: PHONE RING) FRIDAY Maybe. But it was a bulletin just the same. (FX: PHONE RING) CHIEF Has it been ten rings yet? (FX: PHONE RING) FRIDAY No. I'm starting over because you interrupted. (FX: PHONE RING) CHIEF Sorry. (FX: PHONE RING) FRIDAY One. (FX: PHONE RING) FRIDAY Two. (FX: PHONE RING) FRIDAY Three. (FX: PHONE RING) FRIDAY Four. (FX: PHONE RING) FRIDAY Five. (FX: PHONE RING) FRIDAY Six. (FX: PHONE RING) FRIDAY Seven. (FX: PHONE RING) FRIDAY Eight. (FX: PHONE RING) FRIDAY Nine. (FX: PHONE RING) FRIDAY (immediately, very intense) Yeah? (LONG PAUSE) FRIDAY Okay. (FX: PHONE BEING HUNG UP) CHIEF You look worried. FRIDAY I am. I just got off the phone. CHIEF Was it another crime report? FRIDAY Little girl. Lost her cat. CHIEF Details? FRIDAY Girl: little. Cat: lost. (FX: "DUM-DA-DUM-DUM", VERY LOUD) CHIEF Well, get on it! (FX: "DUM-DA-DUM-DUM-DUMMMMM", VERY LOUD) FRIDAY I picked up my partner and the two of us went to the scene. (FX: CAR GOING "VROOM") FRIDAY Hello, little girl. I'm a cop. Name's Friday. Partner's Buzz Aldrin. LITTLE GIRL (slowly, shy) Hewwo... FRIDAY You have nice curls. Doesn't she, Buzz? BUZZ (burst of static, then heavily filtered) That's affirmative, Joe. (BEEP) FRIDAY You lost your cat? LITTLE GIRL I... lost my... cat... FRIDAY Your cat? (pause) Your cat? LITTLE GIRL Yes... officer. (sobs a few times) FRIDAY What type of cat was it? LITTLE GIRL A... kitty... cat. BUZZ (static) She's not helping. (BEEP) FRIDAY Little girl, our chances of finding your cat would be greatly aided if you told us everything you know. LITTLE GIRL Well... it hurts when you put sand in your eyes. FRIDAY About the cat. LITTLE GIRL I lost my kitty. BUZZ (static) We already have that. (BEEP) FRIDAY Little girl, withholding information is a crime under section three fifty-two dash twelve of the Penal Code Of The State Of California in which we reside. LITTLE GIRL I'm thorry. FRIDAY Now tell us how you lost your cat. LITTLE GIRL I had a cat... and now he's lost. BUZZ (static) Joe, ask her for a description. (BEEP) FRIDAY Description? LITTLE GIRL What's a dedixtion? FRIDAY What did the cat look like, how old was the cat, what was the cat's name, what was the cat's weight in pounds, did he have any distinguishing marks, unusual scars, or obvious tattoos. LITTLE GIRL He liked... food. FRIDAY Is that all? BUZZ (static) Joe, do you think she genuinely doesn't know? (BEEP) FRIDAY It's possible. But it's more likely she's being intimidated by us as the representatives of authority. It is always difficult to question small children, especially one such as this who appears to be about to cry. Look, she's starting to cry. BUZZ (static) Here come the waterworks. (BEEP) FRIDAY Yes, she's crying even while we're not talking to her. A real basket case. Tender young witnesses such as this require handling by expert psychologists. LITTLE GIRL (sobbing) What's a pykolamist? FRIDAY A person who talks to crazy people. But the police department doesn't have any psychologists because that would imply we believed evil people could be cured. We'll have you talk to a special interrogator. Here he comes now. Here comes Jack Bauer. JACK BAUER (hoarse stage whisper) The following takes place between one o'clock and two o'clock. LITTLE GIRL But it's dinner time. JACK BAUER (yelling from now on) Do you want your cat back or not? LITTLE GIRL But it's dinner time. JACK BAUER Shut up and answer the question! Do you want your cat back? LITTLE GIRL (sobbing) Y...yes... (pause) ...sir... JACK BAUER We need to know what happened to the cat! Tell me where the cat is! (pause) Tell me where the cat is! LITTLE GIRL I... don't... know... JACK BAUER Tell me where the cat is! LITTLE GIRL waaaaaaaaahh... JACK BAUER Your girl tricks won't work on me. We're escalating this to Phase Two! Joe, don't let her go anywhere. I'll be right back. (FX: JACK'S FOOTSTEPS AWAY, RAPIDLY) (FX: FURNITURE BEING SMASHED) GRANDMOTHER (distant) Help! Police! JACK BAUER (distant) I am the police, so shut up! (FX: LOUD SMACK) (FX: THUD) (FX: ZIPPER CLOSING) (FX: DOOR SLAMMING) (FX: JACK'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING, SLOWLY) FRIDAY That burlap sack, what's in it? JACK BAUER The girl's grandmother! FRIDAY Buzz, stand back, it's an old woman. BUZZ (static) Roger. (BEEP) JACK BAUER Now, little girl, I have your granny in this sack. And for every second until you give us the information on where your cat is, I will hit the sack with one of these baseball bats of my choosing. (FX: SEVERAL BASEBALL BATS CLATTERING TO FLOOR) LITTLE GIRL waaaaaaaaaaaah... (FX: WHACK!) GRANDMOTHER Ow! (FX: WHACK!) GRANDMOTHER Ow! (FX: WHACK!) GRANDMOTHER Ow! LITTLE GIRL waaaaaaaaaaaah... waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... (FX: WHACK!) GRANDMOTHER Ow! FRIDAY Jack, this isn't working. JACK BAUER We have to make this work! Little girl! Talk now or granny dies! Tell me where the cat is! Tell me where the cat is! LITTLE GIRL I gotta go number one. JACK BAUER Tell me where the cat is! LITTLE GIRL I'm all wet. waaaaaaaaaaah... waaaaaaaaaaah... waaaaaaaaaaah... Okay, I'll tell you where -- (FX: PHONE RING) BUZZ (static) Telephone! (BEEP) (FX: PHONE RING) JACK BAUER Not now dammit! She was just about to tell me where the cat is! (FX: PHONE RING) BUZZ (static) Somebody has to answer. Look, Joe is carefully reaching for the telephone. (BEEP) (FX: PHONE RING) FRIDAY This is Friday. Detective Joe Friday of the Los Angeles police. A cat has been lost. Am supervising the interrogation of a little girl who is a crybaby. Present location of the cat unknown. Am wearing a gray suit with a matt brown necktie and department-issued cuff links engraved with my badge number, seven-fourteen. I carry that badge. What do you want? (pause) Thank you. (FX: PHONE BEING HUNG UP) JACK BAUER (still just as agitated) Tell me what he wanted! FRIDAY Time and temperature. BUZZ (static) Good thing you didn't tell him. (BEEP) FRIDAY Standing orders are not to reveal anything that may compromise the investigation. JACK BAUER Hey, the girl's gone! FRIDAY Into the next room. After her! BUZZ (static) (pause) Hurry! (pause) (BEEP) (FX: FOOTSTEPS, RUNNING) JACK BAUER There she is! FRIDAY She's reaching for a paper sack containing White Castles! BUZZ (static) Somebody should stop her! (BEEP) (FX: CLICK! CLICK!) JACK BAUER Dammit, my rifle jammed! FRIDAY It's too late! She's eaten an entire White Castle! (FX: LITTLE GIRL'S STOMACH EXPLODING) BUZZ (static) Joe, her stomach exploded. (BEEP) FRIDAY Never mind. There's something in the bottom of the bag. (FX: PAPER BAG RUSTLING) (FX: MEOW) JACK BAUER The cat! FRIDAY It appears to be the cat referenced by the witness. BUZZ (static) Joe, we have a happy ending. (BEEP) (FX: "DUM-DA-DUM-DUM", VERY LOUD) FRIDAY The coroner's report determined that the girl died from a stomach explosion of unknown cause. (FX: "DUM-DA-DUM-DUM-DUMMM", VERY LOUD) (FX: HAMMER STRIKING CHISEL, TWICE) -- K. If Jack Webb were alive today, he'd still be acting dead. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid Name For A Cool Trick Date: Thu, 06 Oct 2005 07:22:48 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > I had a dream I won a chance to be in a contest. Mr. Malibu Leather? World's Ugliest Grandma? Pogo Dance Marathon To See Who Barfs Last? Fastest Comatose Balloon Twister? > Me and several other people were to cross a large department store > and through a carefully controlled pathway through some back rooms. > On the way, the person who photographed the most interesting visual > thing would win a huge prize. I think the person who photographed the most interesting non-visual thing should win an even bigger prize. A photograph of synergy, homeopathicness, or unphotographability would be awesome. > I didn't bring my camrea with me, but fortunately each contestant > had a collar mounted 'spycam' in order to make sure they followed the > assigned path they were supposed to. Footage from this would be > reviewed and anything interesting would count. FOUR HUNDRED QUATLOOS ON THE NEWCOMER! > So, in the department store proper, I decicided to focus the collarcam > on an interesting trick my dream-self knew. My pushing my feet at the > ground, I could levitate about five inches. Uh oh. You're about to get sued by Mike Bent, Boy Scientist. And you don't want to get sued by anyone who puts things up their nose on TV. > This was working when several people passed by. I asked them what they > thought, they weren't impressed. I proved it wasn't a trick by pushing > forward over obstacles. Stupid people. I was defying the laws of > physics here! > > Then someone asked me what the name of the trick was. I said 'The > Samuel L. Jackson Woman Seducer'. > > Then I woke up with a migraine. > > From this I can only conclude that Samuel L. Jackson causes migraines. Well, see, Ving Rhames in "Pulp Fiction" had that speech where he promised to "get medieval on your ass", but what most film buffs don't realize is that there was a deleted scene where Samuel Jackson said he would "get migraneous upside your head." That's why Zed's Gimp had to wear that hood all the time, to keep his head from exploding if he ever saw Samuel Jackson in the studio commisary between scenes. Also, the mystery thing Sam Jackson sees when he opens the briefcase at the end? That's the other Gimp. > Don't watch Star Wars! Why? Don't you wuv Jar Jar any more? -- K. I give this dream a 10, but I showed it to Sam Jackson and he gave it a 25:17. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The smoke alarm went "NA-NA-NA-NA NA-NA-NA-NA NA-NA-NA-NA..." Date: Thu, 06 Oct 2005 07:53:32 -0400 Seen on Fark.com: [www.fresnobee.com] -> -> Fire guts Pasadena mansion where movies, TV shows were filmed Damn. I was aiming the Death Ray at the Pasadena _shopping mall_ where "Baby Geniuses" was filmed. -> The Associated Press -> (Updated Thursday, October 6, 2005, 2:25 AM) -> -> PASADENA, Calif. (AP) -- Stately Wayne Manor is no longer. -> -> A Wednesday night fire gutted a Tudor style mansion that served as -> the home of Bruce Wayne, aka Batman, in the 1960's "Batman" -> television series, said Lisa Derderian, a spokeswoman for the -> Pasadena Fire Department. It was being remodeled by the owners, -> she said. Oh no! Now where will Wil Wheaton live? -> "It was a fully engulfed inferno, for lack of a better term," -> Derderian said. TV footage showed flames leaping high into the -> night sky. "HOLY FULLY ENGULFED INFERNO, BATMAN!" -> Sixty to 70 firefighters worked hard to prevent embers from -> igniting brush behind the home, which is in the city's Arroyo -> district, Derderian said. A police helicopter hovered above the -> site to search for flare-ups, she said. "HOLY HOVERING HELICOPTER, BATMAN!" -> "There's a very large brush area behind that residence," Derderian -> said. "It had the potential to turn into a very volatile event if -> any wind conditions were prevalent." "HOLY PREVALENT WIND CONDITIONS, BATMAN!" -> Fire crews from Pasadena, Burbank, Glendale and the city and -> county of Los Angeles were on scene, she said. "HOLY BORING SUBURB OF BURBANK, BATMAN!" (That's from the episode that had Gary Owens as the villain, Morgo The Unfriendly Drelb.) -> The home on South San Rafael Avenue was 16,000 square feet and sat -> on 5 acres of land, according to an article this week in the Los -> Angeles Times. And underneath, in the charred remains of the Batcave, firefighters found the skeletons of the first five Robins. Batman is believed to have escaped through that tunnel which comes out in Bronson Canyon in Hollywood, despite the fact that the flames began moving at double speed when he started driving away from them. -> The home also was used for filming other TV shows and films -> including "Dead Again" (1991), which starred Emma Thompson and -> Kenneth Branagh, according to the Pasadena city Web site. That's boring. Nobody cares about movies and TV shows that aren't "Batman". Hurry up and play the tape of the panicky 911 call Batman made on that red phone directly wired to the other red phone kept under the protective cake cover. -> Several years ago, the house was the showcase for the city's -> annual upscale home tour, Derderian said. One dapper guy in a tuxedo was interested in buying it, but he decided he'd rather buy a Navy surplus pre-atomic submarine. -- K. I think Alfred torched the place because he was tired of having to hand-wash all those satin tights. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The smoke alarm went "NA-NA-NA-NA NA-NA-NA-NA NA-NA-NA-NA..." Date: Fri, 07 Oct 2005 03:19:04 -0400 Last night, the wire services told us: -> -> A Wednesday night fire gutted a Tudor style mansion that served as -> the home of Bruce Wayne, aka Batman, in the 1960's "Batman" -> television series, HOLY SMOKES! How will Batman get out of this? Tune in TONIGHT, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! [news.yahoo.com] => => LOS ANGELES (Reuters) -- A Tudor-style mansion in Pasadena that => was used for a number of movie shoots has been destroyed by => fire, but the house nearby where the 1960s "Batman" TV series => was shot escaped damage, fire officials said on Thursday. HOLY REPUBLIC SERIAL CLIFFHANGER CHEATING! It turns out Batman not only used his Bat-Automatic-Fire-Suppression-Suspender-Belt, but also his Bat-Disinformation-Press-Release-Releaser-Press-Here-To-Release! => Early news reports said the house that burnt down on Wednesday => night was the historic mansion [...] => => But the 16,000-square-foot home that caught fire was actually => further down the street. HOLY WRONG NUMBER, BATMAN! Then they sent Laurel & Hardy to knock down the gutted home and they got the wrong address too and demolished Wil Wheaton's house which was a big mistake because Wil Wheaton is a close personal friend with Robin from when they were both on "Teen Titans" and it led to an epic battle to the death which was released on DVD as "Laurel & Hardy Meet Robin & Wesley". => Some scenes from "Rocky V" and the Peter Sellers movie "Being There" => were reportedly shot there. Uh oh. Now where will they should upbeat movies about guys with brain damage? They'll never be able to make "Regarding Henry 2" or "Phineas Gage's Big Adventure"! => The owners were not at home when the fire started and the cause => is unknown. I understand fire is caused by the rapid oxidation of combustible materials through exothermic chemical reaction. But that's not important right now. Jacobs, what have you got on Batman? "Well, he only knows Gilbert & Sullivan but I also do Liza, and I usually keep my underwear on the inside of my clothes." Surely we're not reduced to "Airplane!" pastiches now? "We are, and don't call me Shirley." Aw, hell with it, let's just dance the Batusi! (Girls in fringed mini-skirts begin doing the Frug in giant birdcages while John Travolta and Uma Thurman dance the Batusi. Batman and Robin join in, and Christopher Walken starts breakdancing, except when he spins on his butt there's a crunching sound and he says "Oh no, I broke the watch!" and when the watch breaks time freezes forever.) -- K. Coming up next, "Phineas Gage Meets Frankenstein"! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: DVD news flash! Date: Thu, 06 Oct 2005 17:33:33 -0400 Today, Fox officially announced the release date for "The Time Tunnel" on DVD. (January 24 for the first half of the series.) TVShowsOnDVD.com makes a point of mentioning that these episodes feature a special guest appearance by John Winston. And, the first season of NBC's "seaQuest DSV" will be available on December 26 (the date was chosen to ensure nobody would be disappointed by receiving this as a Christmas gift.) But don't worry, you won't have to buy the DVDs just so you can regret watching "seaQuest". The Sci-Fi Channel will also be spending four days showing "seaQuest" over and over to cruelly promote these DVDs to consumers who are already suffering post-holiday depression. Now if only I could get my hands on the "bonus DVD" from the 17-disc "Space: 1999" set (I have the 16-disc version) my collection of CHEESETACULARLY BAD TV SKIFFY would be complete. Oh, and they need to release "Automan" someday too. And "Logan's Run: The Series". And "Science Fiction Theatre". And "Blake's 7". And that show Gene Roddenberry did where every episode consisted of dominatrixes whipping chubby guys for an hour. No, I meant the _other_ one he did like that. -- K. You know what could have saved "The Time Tunnel"? If, instead of using stock footage from other, better shows, they had only used stock footage from hockey games. Or snuff films. Or at least anything that wasn't in black and white. "LOOK OUT, TONY! THE MARTIANS DECOLORIZED THE TITANIC! BOING!" I liked the "BOING!" part. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who's winning? (Posting stats) Date: Fri, 07 Oct 2005 02:52:41 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > If we had the stats for those who posted most but discounted for those > > who were most killfiled, it would be a whole different picture at many > > levels. > > Killfile everyone over 100 posts (excepting Kibo) and the group suddenly > gets a lot easier to read. It will also help reduce your blood pressure. Young man, I am not over 100, and furthermore, I resent you putting me in this home. It smells like urine and the food would have no flavor if I could taste it and they only let me have my medicine on holidays. The nurse who looks like Eleanor Roosevelt gave me a rash and someone keeps stealing my pencil and replacing it with one where the point breaks easier. This carpet is too lumpy. They shouldn't let people turn their TVs up so loud. Why don't they bring back classic radio programs like when they used to read "Mary Worth" to us during the war? I almost fought in that war and look at the thanks I get. You can't even go out any more because they got these skinheads nowadays. And the government's talking about cloning us even though I voted for Perot. Where's my Wheatena? -- K. What's this thing with all these letters on it hkjhkhjkj hfkefljk fhkehkek kfgdiliertuhg fjk khh lkrlejklt kjl hey make it stop it's making letters all by itself when I press it there are too many letters nowadays. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dammit Date: Sat, 08 Oct 2005 00:02:19 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > I had a nightmare that someone clipped off part of my front teeth > with nail clippers It hardly matters, because you'll finish turning into a giant Jeff Goldblum by the end of whichever Cronenberg movie you're in, unless you're James Woods, in which case, better buy some man-size Tampax. Also, those weren't nail clippers, it was a used circumcision clamp I got from the Salvation Army. I realize the two items look similar, but as you know, the Salvation Army has a policy against selling used nail clippers now that they've become a division of Homeland Security. Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > That squicks me on many levels. Today I learned that shoving toilet plungers into a vat of Jell-O makes a lovely "SQUICK! SQUICK! SQUICK!" sound, especially if it's in a church. (Somewhere in Hollywood, some guys who just read that sentence are dancing around their office yelling "HOORAY, NOW WE CAN MAKE 'BABY GENIUSES 3'!") -- K. Anyway, don't worry about the teeth, your permanent ones'll grow in someday. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Smurfs Die! Date: Sun, 09 Oct 2005 07:18:36 -0400 [www.telegraph.co.uk] -> -> Unicef bombs the Smurfs in fund-raising campaign for ex-child soldiers -> -> By David Rennie in Brussels -> (Filed: 08/10/2005) -> -> The people of Belgium have been left reeling by the first -> adult-only episode of the Smurfs, in which the blue-skinned -> cartoon characters' village is annihilated by warplanes. Yay! It's like something Ralph Bakshi would do, except entertaining! -> The short but chilling film is the work of Unicef, the United -> Nations Children's Fund, and is to be broadcast on national -> television next week as a campaign advertisement. Wait a minute. The United Nations did something amusing? The United Nations did something? -> The animation was approved by the family of the Smurfs' late -> creator, "Peyo". Peyo himself refused permission, but then UNICEF killed him and eventually his surviving relatives surrendered the rights to the Smurfs. -> Belgian television viewers were given a preview of the 25-second -> film earlier this week, when it was shown on the main evening -> news. The reactions ranged from approval to shock and, in the -> case of small children who saw the episode by accident, wailing -> terror. And this is different from the average "Smurfs" episode how? Hey, when I was a little kid, "Snoopy, Come Home" made me cry, and it didn't warp me for life at all. So I say kids should have to see the Smurfs get killed so that they'll grow up to be normal, just like me! Also I should get to decide the method of execution for each the Smurfs. -> Unicef and the family company, IMPS, which controls all rights -> to the Smurfs, have stipulated that it is not to be broadcast -> before the 9pm watershed. I was going to say something about the Smurfs being killed in the Core Wars, but I decided not to because I didn't want to be horrified by discovering how many people here would know what I was talking about. -> The short film pulls no punches. It opens with the Smurfs -> dancing, hand-in-hand, around a campfire and singing the Smurf -> song. Bluebirds flutter past and rabbits gambol around their -> familiar village of mushroom-shaped houses until, without -> warning, bombs begin to rain from the sky. -> -> Tiny Smurfs scatter and run in vain from the whistling bombs, -> before being felled by blast waves and fiery explosions. The -> final scene shows a scorched and tattered Baby Smurf sobbing -> inconsolably, surrounded by prone Smurfs. But what about Gargamel? And Azrael? And Mork? And Wink Martindale? -> The final frame bears the message: "Don't let war affect the -> lives of children." THIS WAR IS FOR ADULTS ONLY AND HAS BEEN RATED "NC-17". DO NOT ALLOW CHILDREN TO SEE THIS WAR. IT IS ALMOST AS VIOLENT AS THE AVERAGE TAKASHI MIIKE MOVIE. HAVE THE KIDS WATCH SOMETHING WHOLESOME, LIKE "STAR WARS", WHERE AT LEAST HALF OF THE BILLIONS OF CASUALTIES ARE OFFSCREEN WHEN THEY DIE SO IT'S MOSTLY OKAY. Anyway, the Smurfs shouldn't be having all these children in the first place. But every time the UN gives them a barrel of condoms, they just wear 'em as hats. -> [...] -> -> Belgium prides itself on being the home of some of the world's -> most famous cartoon characters -- from Tintin (BORING) -> to Lucky Luke (BORING, I assume -- I never heard of him, but it's safe to say he's BORING) -> and the Smurfs, (BORING and also LAME) -> known to the Dutch-speaking half of the country as "Smurfen" -> and as "Schtroumpfs" to Belgium's French speakers. Someday the two sides will go to war over what to call the Smurfs. -> The advertising agency behind the campaign, Publicis, decided -> the best way to convey the impact of war on children was to tap -> into the earliest, happiest memories of Belgian television -> viewers. You gotta envy advertising executives who get paid to sit around asking themselves, "what treasured childhood memories can I shit on today?" And then they go home to their wives, who are beautiful witches related to Paul Lynde. -> They chose the Smurfs, who first appeared in a Belgian comic in 1958. -> -> Julie Lamoureux, account director at Publicis for the campaign, -> said the agency's original plans were toned down. -> -> "We wanted something that was real war -- Smurfs losing arms, or -> a Smurf losing a head -- but they said no." Smurf, snuff, what's the difference? "Filthy Smurf, stop smurfing Headless Smurf's neck!" -> The film has won tentative approval from the official Smurf fan -> club. A spokesman said: "I think it will wake up some people. It -> is so un-Smurf-like, it might get people to think." Unlike regular Smurfs, which never get people to think. They just lunge for the "off" switch by reflex. "La, la, la..." *CLICK* -> Hendrik Coysman, managing director of IMPS, said: "That crying -> baby really goes to your bones." Especially if he does it to the tune of that annoying song. Here's a picture of Crying Baby Smurf: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/graphics/2005/10/08/wsmurf08.jpg mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_10_crying_smurf.jpg I apologize for the picture being too small for you to see tiny details such as whether or not Exsanguinating Smurf has a sucking chest wound and whether or not Phosphorous Bomb Smurf's exposed skull is glowing white-hot, but you can at least see that Crying Baby Smurf is sitting on his butt crying. Aww, the war got black smudges on his hat! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch "Snoopy, Come Home". I just got the new edition where they finally included the long-lost scene where he pretends his doghouse is a Sopwith Camel and drops bombs on the Smurfs. Family Circus, too. -- K. I'm so glad UNICEF financed this cartoon with the money people like me donated. From now on, I'm giving them a penny _every_ Halloween! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Smurfs Die! Date: Mon, 10 Oct 2005 05:54:35 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [www.telegraph.co.uk] > > -> > > -> Unicef bombs the Smurfs > > I smurf the smurf of smurf in the morning! THIS IS MY SMURF AND THIS IS MY SMURF! THIS IS FOR SMURFING, THIS IS FOR SMURFING! Hmm, that gave the scansion a major malfunction, without even the courtesy of a smurfaround. And then Hawkeye was in this bus with a little girl who's holding a Smurf in her lap and Hawkeye told her to keep the Smurf quiet so she suffocates it and then Hawkeye went insane and started endorsing Atari products unlike Frank Burns and the other right-thinking people who shilled for IBM. Of course, later Korea discovered they could make computers too. -- K. Let today's date go down in history as the first use of the word "smurfaround". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Smurfs Die! Date: Sun, 09 Oct 2005 18:49:23 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> The people of Belgium have been left reeling by the first > > -> adult-only episode of the Smurfs, in which the blue-skinned > > -> cartoon characters' village is annihilated by warplanes. > > > > Yay! It's like something Ralph Bakshi would do, except entertaining! > > The death ray got the SMURFS?!? What kind of a monster would do that? They're only cartoons, so they can't _really_ die. And that's the proof there is no God. > > -> [...] The reactions ranged from approval to shock and, in the > > -> case of small children who saw the episode by accident, wailing > > -> terror. > > > > And this is different from the average "Smurfs" episode how? > > It's better if you start slow in introducing your children to > the Smurfs, such as viewing a few Keebler Elves commercials first. > Then_ you can move onto the hard stuff. I heard there was this one movie where the Keebler Elves and Snap, Crackle, and Pop had a rumble with the Smurfs, but then they learned they should all team up for the greater good, so the Keebler Elves and Snap, Crackle, and Pop and the Smurfs got together and killed all the Oompa-Loompas, Hobbits, and Munchkins. That's why the director of the movie version of "Lord Of The Rings", Ralph Bakshi, decided avenge the Hobbits by bombing the Smurfs. Also that guy from the remake of "The Stepford Wives" needed to be replaced by a robot after he threw a hissy fit when the Smurfs got black smudges all over his Viggo Mortenson t-shirt. But it's okay because the writers of the movie forgot the premise 3/4 of the way through so he got all better after Matthew Broderick found he could make robots turn into people by banging on keyboards randomly before disappearing between scenes THE END. Could someone please smack Frank Oz for me? Or at least have Ernie drop some bombs on Bert, Yoda, and Miss Piggy? That movie needed Scott Thompson yelling "BAD! BAD 1950's HOMOSEXUAL STEREOTYPE!" And a pile of dead Smurfs. > > I was going to say something about the Smurfs being killed in the > > Core Wars, but I decided not to because I didn't want to be horrified > > by discovering how many people here would know what I was talking about. > > What are you talking about? "Core Wars" was a nerd game where the players would write little programs in this restricted subset of assembly language, to be executed in a virtual machine, where the object was for your program (virus or worm or whatever) to seek out and destroy the other programs. The program that usually won was a single instruction (meaning "copy THIS instruction to the next location in memory"), so the thing steamrollered through memory at a speed of one instruction per cycle, and its name was "IMP". The only defense against IMP was to either (a) adopt exactly the same strategy and also play as an IMP, and then the two of them would have a draw, or (b) write a really complex program like RAIDAR that would store some unique value way to the "left" of its main loop and would then keep checking whether that value had gotten overwritten and, if so, copy the entire RAIDAR program to some place further "left" of the now-destroyed location. Of course, some programs would just spray "bombs" randomly throughout the memory map, and there was no defense against them... They were unlikely to hit you, but no matter how hard you tried to make your program self-repairing, there was always a chance that a vital opcode would get trashed. Aren't you glad you've joined the elite group of people who know this? > > DO NOT ALLOW CHILDREN TO SEE THIS WAR. IT IS ALMOST AS VIOLENT AS > > THE AVERAGE TAKASHI MIIKE MOVIE. HAVE THE KIDS WATCH SOMETHING > > WHOLESOME, LIKE "STAR WARS", WHERE AT LEAST HALF OF THE BILLIONS > > OF CASUALTIES ARE OFFSCREEN WHEN THEY DIE SO IT'S MOSTLY OKAY. > > You'd make an excellent parent. At least I'd tell my kids that on Halloween they should devote the evening to enjoying themselves and living out their fantasies, rather than pressuring them to collect pennies to fund people who want to kill Smurfs. "Junior, if you really want to kill the Smurfs, I'll write UNICEF a check for three cents when we get home, but for now, just have fun being something really cool." > > Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch "Snoopy, Come Home". > > I just got the new edition where they finally included the long-lost > > scene where he pretends his doghouse is a Sopwith Camel and drops > > bombs on the Smurfs. Family Circus, too. > > Somebody really needs to send you a copy of the 1946 version of > "The Yearling". Somehow when I was a kid I never saw "Bambi". I think the most traumatizing movie I ever saw when I was a kid was some strange thing where a bunch of orange midgets turned a girl into a blueberry and then sang a song about extracting her precious bodily fluids 'cause she was so juicy. But now that I'm all grown up I understand that Roald Dahl was a good person because he included things in that story that were designed to horrify adults too, and since he's an equal opportunity offender that makes him a good person. -- K. Geez, this is dark. I'll just lighten it up by turning this knob... HEY LOOK THE SMURFS ARE ALL OKAY AND ARE BATHING IN A SIPPY CUP! AWWWWW! AND HELLO KITTY JUST GOT CUTER! AWWWWWWWWWWW! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Lindsey Wagner Commercial Date: Sun, 09 Oct 2005 07:26:05 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > Has anyone seen the Lindsey Wagner mattress commercial? Why does > Lindsey look like a heroin addict? You try having 75% of your body replaced with Tinkertoys that make ear-splitting ratcheting noises even though you only move in slow-motion and see if this doesn't lead to you prematurely aging from the stress of having to listen to your pelvis going "GRONKGRONKGRONKGRONK" whenever you slow-walk to the sporting-goods store to buy another case of tennis balls to crush to put fear into male chauvinist pigs. And remember to watch out for evil fembots. > What happened, did she join an anti-hygiene cult the week before > the commercial was filmed? Hey, Denny's is not a cult. -- K. Who would win in a catfight between the Bionic Woman and Wonder Woman, assuming we're talking about Lynda "Huge Eyewear" Carter and not Cathy Lee "Jogging Suit" Crosby? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Lindsey Wagner Commercial Date: Mon, 10 Oct 2005 21:12:01 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You try having 75% of your body replaced with Tinkertoys that make > > ear-splitting ratcheting noises even though you only move in slow-motion > > and see if this doesn't lead to you prematurely aging from the stress > > of having to listen to your pelvis going "GRONKGRONKGRONKGRONK" > > whenever you slow-walk to the sporting-goods store to buy another > > case of tennis balls to crush to put fear into male chauvinist pigs. > > Almost thirty years later, Commander In Chief rides the > same phenomena. Gloria Steinem says, "That's not funny!" > when asked how many Hollywood liberals it takes to get > Hillary Clinton elected president. Getting back to a movie I complained about over the weekend... Know one reason feminism has been making inroads into the fictional world of movies? Because Hollywood reassigned the gossipy-shopaholic- domestic-goddess stereotype to the gay comic relief guy in every movie that has a gay guy. The current "official" gay stereotype presented in movies and on TV is that gay guys talk about shoes and designer clothes and MUST have that new hat they saw in the window and they spend all their time making everything spotless and probably scream "EEEEEK!" and get on the coffee table if they ever see a mouse. Hollywood eventually caught on that they shouldn't try to burden women with the '50s male-fantasy stereotype of superficial, cleanser-obsessed women, but they now slap that onto every gay guy. The remake of "The Stepford Wives" is a glaring example. Like the '70s version, the recent remake takes the view that it would be horrible if men reprogrammed women to behave like '50s domestic goddesses. But in the remake, they added a gay guy who already acts like that, and horror of horrors, they try to reprogram him to act like an ordinary guy instead of a stereotype. (Fortunately, after the gay guy is murdered and replaced with a robot, Matthew Broderick finds the magic touchscreen that can turn the robot back into a gay stereotype.) It's a particularly cringe-inducing exposal of a Hollywood prejudice in exactly the sort of movie that _should_ understand what's wrong with that sort of thing, but it doesn't, because that movie is such a fucked-up, fragmented, self-contradictory mess that can't decide whether it's a slapstick cartoon, a social satire, or a horror movie. (The movie's main accomplishment is that it managed to make the plot even less logical than the original.) Anyway, as I've said in the past, currently gay characters are only allowed to be in TV shows or movies if they do "gay stuff", i.e. tell people how to be fashionable. This is a parallel to the '40s and '50s when blacks were written to do "black stuff" (singing, dancing, and stealing) and women always did "women's stuff" (gossiping, cleaning, being stupid.) At least the one difference between the modern gay stereotype and the old female stereotype is that gay people aren't depicted as having subhuman intelligence. What would make an interesting drama would be a period piece exploring what would happen if a woman somehow became president in the 1950s. That would require some strained plot machinations because there's no way a woman could get elected to any sort of high office (in the US) back when all men knew that women were only bright enough to read books published by Betty Crocker, but imagine the cultural upheaval you could dramatize once your story gets a woman into the White House in the 1950s. Men's heads would explode. If a woman became President now, there would still be a lot of griping and moaning, but nothing compared to what would have happened if a woman got into the White House back then. Or suppose a gay guy became President now. You'd have to put up with editorials saying that he couldn't possible negotiate with men who run other countries because he'd be distracted by fantasizing about having sex with them. I think we need a female black Jewish lesbian President as soon as possible. Preferably in a wheelchair. (It's too bad we never had a President in a wheelchair. Oh, wait, we did. But the press never noticed he was in a wheelchair, they just didn't have time to figure that out since he was only President for twelve years.) Anyway, I say we should find a Jewish black lesbian woman, cripple her, and make her become President for the greater good. Any volunteers? -- K. (Sorry, Lots42, the Constitution says you have to be older.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Lindsey Wagner Commercial Date: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 19:56:59 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > How old do you idiots think I am? I'm not old enough for someone to be > hot to me 25 years ago. I was FOUR 25 years ago. FOUR. That's a long time to be four. > [...] > > I have to worry about my large penis. Why, won't they let you keep it in the fourth dimension any more? Has that evil imaginary dimension started charging rent for sticking your special penis into it? If so, you should file a legal-law lawsuit from your legal-law lawsuitery desk of law. Be sure to print it in a purple glittery cursive font because that makes it more important. -- K. It's not the size that counts, it's which dimension you use it in. P.S. If Kurt Vonnegut dies tomorrrow, that reference counts as the Death Ray trigger. So it goes. P.P.S.: I have an asterisk! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Lindsey Wagner Commercial Date: Thu, 13 Oct 2005 16:47:38 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com): > > > > [to Lots42] > > > > [...] I can see you walking around with one hand on your diaper > > and the other on your pirate hat, screaming "ARRR! THEM'S BE > > ONE FINE MOMMA!" everytime you spotted a rubinsesque woman at > > Chuck E Cheese. > > Chuck E. Cheese is scary. Eww. Talysman, please stop telling us whether or not you're watching the adult babies who parade around Chuck E. Cheese. If we wanted to see adult babies, we'd go over to alt.tv.seaquest. Or Chuck E. Cheese. They're about the same thing except one has a singing rat and the other has a psychic talking dolphin and no, they're forbidden by the Code Of Hammurabi from singing a duet -- a cat may look at a king, ape may not kill ape, and dolphin may not squeak with rat. Uh oh. I think I accidentally wrote "Baby Geniuses 3: Hyperbabies". Hollywood's going to read this article and rush the terrible movie into production for its world premiere at the Chuck E. Cheese Theatre Of Hurt just to make adult babies cry. "You'll laugh so hard, you'll swallow your Nuk 5!" Seriously, Hollywood needs to stop making "Baby Geniuses" movies. Or almost any other sort of movie. And yes, Lots, Chuck E. Cheese is scary, especially when you realize that there are evil hippies just waiting to squirt tubes of Krazy Glue into the ball pit after you dive in. -- K. Why doesn't Jack Webb stop them? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: PICTURES of DURIAN FRUITS Date: Mon, 10 Oct 2005 21:30:52 -0400 In the newsgroups and non-newsgroups alt.religion.kibology, skletter, alt.gossip.celebrities, kelas_kita, and rec.food.drink.tea, "http://www.juntak.com/" (pleaseemail@viawebsite.com) wrote: > > PICTURES of DURIAN FRUITS: > http://www.juntak.com/photos.htm > > Also a professional durian plantation > information, in complete detail. > > > Pictures of Dobermann Dogs: > http://www.juntak.com/dob.htm > > > Durian Juntak, > -- http://www.juntak.com/ Wow, Usenet spam from a durian company that sort of knows how to search for the word "durian" in Google Groups but doesn't know what "skletter" and "kelas_kita" aren't even shaped like the names of actual newsgroups. Yeah, sure, I'll drive over to Indonesia to buy a durian during my lunch hour. Whatever. It's all so convenient for me to get durians from Indonesia, because I've never seen a grocery store in the United States. At least they didn't post the 210-megabyte Video CD you can download from their Web site. I considered downloading it, but I don't have the time. Instead I'll just watch it next time I'm in their neighborhood: -> -> You can also watch the video in Tebet location during your visit. Oh, wait. I also have to watch the video before I can go there: -> -> For news-medias which have interest in covering -> Durian Juntak, feel free to contact Tebet, Jakarta -> to schedule an interview. -> Prior to interview, please first read the entire -> contents of our web-site, scan-copies of past -> mass-medias coverage, and watch our -> MPG video. -> -> By doing all those things prior to interview, you -> can be better-prepared, and ready for the -> onsite-interview.Ê I guess I'm not even supposed to be talking about them until I've watched their free Video CD about the wonders of durians, the wonderful wonder fruit that smells like shit. So I'd better stop mocking their corporate spam or their durians will pop open and Doberman puppies will come out and eat my face. Are there any other countries in the dog-and-durian business? I would like to buy a six-pack of Dog-In-A-Durian, but not from spammers. -- K. Dog-In-A-Durian, from the makers of Kitten-In-An-Artifical-Heart! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: If I were President. Date: Mon, 10 Oct 2005 21:44:32 -0400 If I were President Of North America, I would divert 50% of the nation's budget to making the Kool-Aid Man real. Scientists will eventually find a way to get him to live even though his face is just painted on and his brain has ice cubes floating in it. Then we will produce millions of clones of him to be our continent's soldiers and janitors and food supply. Also some of the clones will be filled with White Castle hamburgers instead of red sugar water so that we'll have a balanced diet. After that, we'll work on the problem of Ronald McDonald. Surely there must be some way to keep him from bothering us. -- K. Also, I would destroy our entire stockpile of nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons, by dropping them all on Nigeria -- after we first find a way to bleach their population 'cause it's only politically correct to bomb white people. Is it possible to build a satellite that can spray whitewash from orbit? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Why haven't I seen a single one of these? Date: Mon, 10 Oct 2005 23:21:44 -0400 [news.bostonherald.com] -> -> The claws come out: Teen catfights on rise on the T -> -> By Laurel J. Sweet -> Monday, October 10, 2005 - Updated: 10:31 AM EST -> -> Cops are grappling with escalating girl-on-girl violence in Boston -> as fights have become so intense that the ``fair'' sex is even -> caking faces with Vaseline to give attackers' nails the slip. POST PROOF OR RETRACT! Every time I ride the subway, I check everyone's face for Vaseline, and haven't found any girls "caked" in it yet. -> Four flare-ups between female youths at two stations on the Red and -> Orange lines were doused on Sept. 26 alone, according to an -> internal memo the Herald obtained from the MBTA. Transit police are -> now sending a Female Intervention Team into schools. I want to see them produce an educational film about how girls shouldn't cover themselves with Vaseline while riding the subway, because I think lately educational propaganda films haven't been as funny as they were back in the 1950's. -> ``Girls like to look for problems,'' said sophomore Giselle Colon, -> 15, on her way home from high school one recent afternoon. And girls try even harder to look for problems that are on sale! Girl's go for any problem that's 15% off! -> [...] -> -> ``We've learned, as we suspected, that there is a definite spike in -> female youth problems, arrests and incarceration,'' said Transit -> Police Lt. Mark Gillespie, whose department has arrested a -> half-dozen teenage girls since the start of the school year for -> brawling in MBTA stations. -> -> Police said that in preparation for battle, girls will grease their -> faces with petroleum jelly and tie their tresses back so it's -> harder for opponents to grab a fistful. -> -> ``When males fight,'' Gillespie said, ``they fight and it's over. -> When girls fight, it's an automatic audience. Um. I've never seen a fight between two males that didn't have at least one person watching it. Of course, that shouldn't need to be said, but I did anyway, because I understand that everything that's said has at least one person saying it. I'm Bizarro John Lennon, and now if you'll excuse me, I shall go watch trees not falling in the forest. -> [...] -> -> Operation Stop Watch officers recently began passing out -> ``consequence'' wallet cards to students as a friendly reminder of -> what it means to be arrested, what being arrested can cost (a -> driver's license, a college loan) and who has access to juvenile -> court records. -> -> ``We use them as an icebreaker -- a way to talk to the kids,'' -> Gillespie said. ``We hope they'll read it. Usually, girls fight for -> the same reason boys do: Over nothing.'' But for grown-ups, the chemical formula for "nothing" is C2H6O. -- K. There would be fewer fights if there were more oxygen bars, especially if they served it with chloroform. Maybe we could just trick violent drunks into ordering a cocktail made from bleach with a shot of acetone? Soupy Sales could endorse it! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Departmental Meeting Date: Tue, 11 Oct 2005 01:21:22 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > We have a new depart-mental head who thinks management actually > matters. I don't have a problem with the fuzzy-wuzzy lets all > get to know each other stuff, because hey, free bagels. I did > not even roll my eyes when someone suggested we have a "haunted > house" competition where everyone decorates their office for > Halloween. > > The bastid who chimed in and nominated me as the winner right > now is going to pay someday. Hire me. Then you will never again have to win the "creepiest cubicle" contest. -- K. Why do The World's Largest Underpants feel the need to print "World's Largest Underpants" on the waistband? Novelty items are wusses when they don't have the confidence to let their comical oversizeness be self-evident. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Attention Austrians! Date: Tue, 11 Oct 2005 06:08:50 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Faceless Man (anome@mac.com) wrote: > > > > Well, that's easy. Tell people she's 30. If she's flattered, you can > > move your estimate up. If she's insulted, you can move your estimate > > down. If she's neither, she must be 30. > > > > Or you could just ask. A lot of women are cool about that these days. > > Of course, most of them lie. > > All I know is that my friend has being doing a radio show for 15 years > on the same station. I am terrible at guessing people's ages. Don't worry about that. When you're hitting on a chick, just play the odds -- since life expectancy is about 80 these days, guess that she's 40. Walk up to any hot chick and say, "HI, ARE YOU FORTY YET?" and you've got a 50/50 chance of going home with her 'cause you'll never be off by more than 22 years, unless you're some sort of sicko. If you really just want to find out how old she is without picking her up, the easiest solution is to just ask about some TV show everyone watched when you were a kid, like, bring up "Mork & Mindy" or whatever. There's a good chance she'll say something like "That was a little before my time," meaning she's younger than you, or "That was a a STUPID show," meaning she's older than you. The only way this strategy could backfire would be if you pegged her age and she started running around yelling "NANO-NANO! WHOA, SHAZBOT! YOU NIMNUL! DO YOU HAVE ANY BALONEY? WE NEED IT FOR FUEL!" -- K. Or take her to a cheap-ass Chinese restaurant and ask which animal she is in the Sacred Zodiac Of Placemats. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: In the interests of completeness... Date: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 19:14:12 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > Don't want no sympathy[1] (hell, a good hug would be nice, but you bozos > won't want to travel 8000 km just to give me a hug), but I am back > from a short visit in hospital, recovering from being hit by another > car. If you were in Boston, I'd come give you some sort of hug. My rule when visiting people in hospitals is to always try to sneak something in for them, like a beer or a stun gun, 'cause anyone who spends a lot of time in the hospital will be desperate for a beer or to kill the staff who won't let them have a beer. So if all you want is a hug, you're weird. Take the opportunity to ask for special presents or weapons! > [...] > > Status: > Nose: b0rked > Eye sockets: fractured > Eye sockets: bruised in a funky butterfly pattern (from where nose > has pushed up and leaked boold) > Chin: fixed via plastic surgery > Cats: on lap, eating kangaroo (obviously confusd, thinking it is a > giant mousie) Never mind that. Did you at least make an impressive dent in some rich guy's easy-to-sue luxury car? > [1] I've had so many visits at horse-piddle over the past 2 days that > I want a bit of a break :) DON'T LISTEN TO THEIR LIES! HORSE URINE IS NOT STERILE, THEREFORE YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK IT! STAND UP TO YOUR URINE DOCTOR AND TELL HIM YOU WANT SOMETHING THAT TASTES BETTER! I love the way every piece of pro-urine-therapy blather always boils down to "It's sterile, therefore, you should drink it." It's one of those sentences you just can't argue with because it has too many things wrong with it already. -- K. "Krazy Glue? It's sterile, therefore you should squirt it in your eyes!" That's actually _more_ sensible, since I think glue might actually be sterile. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Life lesson learned Date: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 19:23:34 -0400 John Schmidt (js@radix.net) wrote: > > If you *must* vary your morning routine, take the extra > two minutes and get your coffee at Starbuck's rather than > Bojangle's. Don't let a craving for ham biscuits trick you > into buying a cup of java that is apparently prepared by > pouring boiling water into the bottom of a monkey's cage > and steeping a pair of Junior Samples' underwear. That's not how they do it. They just buy the used spaghetti water from the steam table at the K-Mart Cafe. My local K-Mart closed (and removed the horrible cafe a few years before that.) It's time for a periodic reminder of how evil they were: At the "K-Cafe", the spaghetti was precooked stuff in plastic bags. To "cook" it, they would dump it into this pan of warm opaque gray water for a few minutes. That water was unbelievably scary. Anyway, my K-Cafe's long gone. So this means that the water Bojangle's has been using to make your coffee has been sitting around in a warehouse for years and years, or worse, it's been spending all this time getting "recycled" by Tim Connors's urine therapist. "We picked this name for our coffee bar because this is the water Mr. Bojangles died in!" Are the ham biscuits good? -- K. Also, I don't think Junior Samples wore underwear. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An urgent message for Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 19:48:47 -0400 Ian St. John (istjohn@noemail.usa) wrote: > > Subject: An urgent message for Archimedes Plutonium > > Your fly is open. Hey, my name's not Archimedes or Plutonium! What are you trying to pull? -- K. I'm not saying to stop. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An urgent message for Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 13 Oct 2005 00:53:10 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Ian St. John (istjohn@noemail.usa) wrote: > > > > Subject: An urgent message for Archimedes Plutonium > > > > Your fly is open. > > Also I saw the message: > ARCHIE > is > POO > > Scratched into one of the tables of the pub I go to all the time on the > weekend. This is like that "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episode where the Enterprise is caught in a time loop where it gets destroyed over and over because Frasier Crane keeps drunkenly crashing his Viper into it and nobody can figure out why they keep seeing subliminal "3"s all over everything until Mr. Data figures out they're trying to send themselves a message from before the previous time they went through the time loop and the number is intended to alert the costume department that Commander Riker has the wrong number of Tic Tacs glued to his shirt collar because he's a full commander and not a lieutenant commander so once they straighten out the wardrobe malfunction it ends the time loop and they can stop dying over and over. So, if we keep seeing evidence of Archie Pu embedded in everyday objects, such as tables or our breakfast toast, it's a sign that we're all going to die over and over and over unless we can keep Lowercase TJ Frazir from crashing his invisible yacht into Archimedes Plutonium's invisible island. But I'm not sure whether the best course of action would be to use a tractor beam or just depressurize the shuttle bay to blow us clear. I'm open to suggestions from anyone who's not a smart-alecky android, Wesley Crusher, or someone who thought I was making a "Battlestar Galactica" reference when I mentioned Kelsey Grammer driving a Viper. -- K. ARCHIE is POO welCOME dataCOMP ARCHIE is POO WELcome DATAcomp ARCHIE is POO welCOME dataCOMP ARCHIE is POO WELcome DATAcomp ARCHIE is POO welCOME dataCOMP PIP pip APPLEJACK ARCHIE is POO PIP pip APPLEJACK ARCHIE IS POO PIP pip POOP ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Conversation With Doggies: Morning Date: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 20:21:07 -0400 Monroe, of course... (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > The breed has I believe been proposed to the Kennel Club twice, > > although rejected so far. > > Izzat 'Labradoodle' or 'Poodor'? The KC won't recognize the Great DaneX > Chihuahua = "Great Wawa" either Lately, poor little Spot's been half poodle, half dachshund -- a poolong -- but now I'm tempted to change him to a poodor so that all the labradoodles can look down on him for being put together backwards. He'd be Labrador on the left and poodle on the right instead of the other way around, and also, he'd be chased across the Galaxy by Frank Gorshin wearing a gray bodystocking with no underwear. His only friend would be Der Pudelmopsdackelpinscher from the Nazi children's book of the same name (by Ernst Hiemer, 1940) except they wouldn't be friends for very long because Spot's Jewish. Spot wasn't always Jewish, but he ate too much kishke and suddenly he discovered he had turned Jewish. He wasn't sure that was how it happened, but his rabbi said that was the only way it could have. > > But that's no worse than "Jack Russell". > > The answer to: "Let's breed up a dog that acts like it's wired on > cocaine 24/7." That's what makes them cute! Some dogs are cute because they're real quiet and tame. And some dogs are cute because they bounce up and down all the time. Besides, it keeps them from farting. You get a dog that does nothing but eat and sleep, like a bulldog, and you're going to have to install a different flavor of air freshener in every square foot of your home just to reduce the smell to where the air's not quite opaque. -- K. While writing this, I was interrupted by a TV commercial for "Urine Gone". I want to buy one of those black lights that shows invisible pee stains, then sneak into someone's home and paint ultraviolet dye all over random stuff, then show up with the black light so I can try to convince them their cat peed all over everything they own, including the ceiling. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Psychotic speed freak news Date: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 20:36:00 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > [...] A summons to appear in court at Taunton to answer charges > under the M4 Junction 18 (temporary roadworks) Act of 2004 and > the Psychotic Speed Freak limitation Act of 1988, accompanied by > several photographs of what is rather obviously my car. > > Now, I should like to consult the hivebrane of the Kibologiat to > advise me on the correct course to take once I am in Court. Leather, and lots of it. Or a wheelchair. "Your honor, I couldn't have been driving fast, because I was in a wheelchair!" Then if the judge calls you illogical, stand up and scream "YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE I'M IN THIS WHEELCHAIR!" Then throw the wheelchair at the judge's head. You can get a wheelchair at your local pawnshop. > I am already planning a brief Tim-Brooke-Taylor-like declamation > about the disgraceful way the current state of the law deprives > me of the right not to incriminate myself, and a plea in > mitigation pointing out that no possible harm could come to > anyone as a resuly of my brief excursion to 51 mph on a perfectly > good dry motorway in perfect vis with no vehicles or people ahead > or astern for about a kilometre. If you must be one of The Goodies, I recommend being Graeme Garden so that you can also use the sideburns to be a professional Isaac Asimov re-enactor during your visits to the Futuristic Renaissance Festival where robots build plastic versions of leather mead mugs. It would be like that scene in Steven Spielberg's Stanley Kubrick's "A.I." except you wouldn't be surrounded by a bad movie. Also, your face wouldn't melt if you were dumb enough to eat spinach. > But I need some more kibological elements to really make the case > stand out, and relieve the terrible tedium of another day in > court for all those barristers, stenographers, clerks, ushers and > whatnot. Short shameful confession: We Americans think a "barrister" is one of those fancy-schmancy dog breeds only hoity-toity people have, unlike your average American who owns a common everyday dog like a pit bull. > So far I have considered a re-run of the Phrase Insertion > Competition of blessed memory; taking into court a large stuffed > animal and periodically consulting it for legal advice; and, my > favourite so far, ostentatiously tossing a coin before entering > my plea of "guilty" or "not guilty". Try wearing a straitjacket and Hannibal Lecter muzzle as they wheel you in on one of those luggage carts they use to transport the world's most dangerous crazy people. Then claim it's a wheelchair, and throw it at the judge's head. > Now, if anyone has any good suggestions for other kibological > elements I can introduce (preferably carrying a less than evens > chance of getting me done for contempt), I am, as the man said, > all ears. "Your honor, the speed cameras couldn't possibly have photographed my license plate, because I obscured it real good!" > Mind, there's not a cat in hell's chance of me getting off if > this flowchart is a faor representation of court procedure: > > http://www.cjsonline.gov.uk/framework/ccmf/misc/rm_tc.html > > Notice how there are no arrows for "not guilty". "Trial fixed" is my favorite part. Here in the U.S., we're not allowed to fix trials. They're all broken. -- K. You could wear one of those T-shirts that says "ME WANT KILL YOU, FUCK FUCK FUCK." And then when the judge orders you to take off the obscene T-shirt, underneath you'd have a tattoo that says "ME WANT KILL YOU, AND ALSO, THIS TATTOO DOES NOT SAY 'FUCK'." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What I've Learned From A.R.K. Date: Thu, 13 Oct 2005 01:45:22 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > I've noticed several people in various groups that I am convinced are > the opposite of lurkers. They post but never read the group. I LIKE MITTENS -- K. P.S.: I'M HUNGRY -- K. P.P.S: OH NO MY MITTENS TASTE FUNNY ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Just found the group Date: Thu, 13 Oct 2005 07:38:14 -0400 anthony (anthonyjhcnospam@netscape.net) wrote: > > Well, thanks for the welcome, all.... > sort of a Whit Stillman group, I see. Very uhb with a faint trace of > vegemite. Be very careful, or I might just feel right at home, even > though I'm probably 40 years older than anyone else here. Hiya, Mister Old Guy! You sure are old! How old are ya? I'M THWEE!!! > And spell 'colour' and 'night' those ways. I'm living in the past. I still spell "shazbot" with a long "s". Written with a quill. Dipped in the warm blood of the last dodo bird. -- K. NOW I'M THWEE AN' A HALF!!!