From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Departmental Meeting Date: Tue, 11 Oct 2005 01:21:22 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > We have a new depart-mental head who thinks management actually > matters. I don't have a problem with the fuzzy-wuzzy lets all > get to know each other stuff, because hey, free bagels. I did > not even roll my eyes when someone suggested we have a "haunted > house" competition where everyone decorates their office for > Halloween. > > The bastid who chimed in and nominated me as the winner right > now is going to pay someday. Hire me. Then you will never again have to win the "creepiest cubicle" contest. -- K. Why do The World's Largest Underpants feel the need to print "World's Largest Underpants" on the waistband? Novelty items are wusses when they don't have the confidence to let their comical oversizeness be self-evident. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Educational Games Date: Tue, 11 Oct 2005 01:41:22 -0400 [on swallowing goldfish for Jesus] Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > -> Paula Keeton, manager of Pet Depot, which sold the fish, said > -> she considers the church's action as animal cruelty. > -> > -> "It's against our policy to sell to people if the animal will be > -> killed," Keeton told the TimesDaily. "To me, it's the same as > -> taking a dog or cat and killing it in front of a group of > -> children." > > Yeah, right. They have big tanks of feeder fish because people like > to buy them for the fun of feeding them. That's different. They're feeding fish to other fish, so that makes it okay. Fish eating fish is not only natural but mandatory according to the dictionary definition that you are what you eat (Webster's International Cannibal Edition.) There, now I've proved cannibalism. I humbly accept the Nobel Prize For Cannibalism. The question of whether the "you" in "you are what you eat" refers to an individual or an entire species still needs to be settled to determine whether autocannibalism is better then, merely as good as, regular everyday cannibalism. So, anyway, it's not okay for you to eat fish. But fish cakes are okay, because they're just made from mashed potatoes and plaster. -- K. Fish cakes are my favorite type of fish, because they're so perfectly un-fish-like. I also like deep-fried flounder, but I haven't had it since the local Ground Round closed. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Attention Austrians! Date: Tue, 11 Oct 2005 06:08:50 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Faceless Man (anome@mac.com) wrote: > > > > Well, that's easy. Tell people she's 30. If she's flattered, you can > > move your estimate up. If she's insulted, you can move your estimate > > down. If she's neither, she must be 30. > > > > Or you could just ask. A lot of women are cool about that these days. > > Of course, most of them lie. > > All I know is that my friend has being doing a radio show for 15 years > on the same station. I am terrible at guessing people's ages. Don't worry about that. When you're hitting on a chick, just play the odds -- since life expectancy is about 80 these days, guess that she's 40. Walk up to any hot chick and say, "HI, ARE YOU FORTY YET?" and you've got a 50/50 chance of going home with her 'cause you'll never be off by more than 22 years, unless you're some sort of sicko. If you really just want to find out how old she is without picking her up, the easiest solution is to just ask about some TV show everyone watched when you were a kid, like, bring up "Mork & Mindy" or whatever. There's a good chance she'll say something like "That was a little before my time," meaning she's younger than you, or "That was a a STUPID show," meaning she's older than you. The only way this strategy could backfire would be if you pegged her age and she started running around yelling "NANO-NANO! WHOA, SHAZBOT! YOU NIMNUL! DO YOU HAVE ANY BALONEY? WE NEED IT FOR FUEL!" -- K. Or take her to a cheap-ass Chinese restaurant and ask which animal she is in the Sacred Zodiac Of Placemats. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Attention Austrians! Date: Sat, 22 Oct 2005 12:17:11 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > OH! NO! TOO! MAN! Y! PAR! ENT! THES! IS! > __ | > )o (--o ) ) ) ) ) | > """"===--( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ) (| > |::|:\ ) ) ) ) ) | > |::|::\ | > ======== | Does it ever bother you that the Daleks keep conquering and/or destroying the Earth despite the fact that they have the reasoning ability and emotional stability of Rain Man? "GOTTA SEE WAPNER GOTTA SEE WAPNER I HAVE MISSED WAPNER I HAVE MISSED WAPNER I EXPLODE NOW I EXPLODE NOW!" You'd think that, given how hanging the Doctor's hat over their eye-lens causes Daleks to freak out, shoot several other Daleks, and then spontaneously self-destruct would have cause Davros to figure out that a two-eyed Dalek would be only half as pathetic, but no, he's too busy filling the inside of his wheelchair with shaving cream. "Hmm, which would be better, one eye and two blinking lights or two eyes and one blinking light? I better go with the sillier option because then people will be too busy laughing at how lame the Daleks are to be able to defend themselves against the Daleks' toilet plungers." > -- > TimC > Top posting because the cursor happens to be there is like shitting in your > pants because your ass happens to be there - Arjan van de Ven in fedora-test I think that in order to really annoy people, we should invent side-posting: I think that > -- in order to > TimC really annoy > Top posting because the cursor happens people, we > to be there is like shitting in your should invent > pants because your ass happens to be side-posting: > there - Arjan van de Ven in fedora-test Also, that's the real reason why people who post to Usenet choose to shit in their pants. Some of them do it because it saves them valuable time they could be using to top-post. -- K. "MY PANTS ARE FULL MY PANTS ARE FULL I WILL EXPLODE I WILL EXPLODE!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: In the interests of completeness... Date: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 19:14:12 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > Don't want no sympathy[1] (hell, a good hug would be nice, but you bozos > won't want to travel 8000 km just to give me a hug), but I am back > from a short visit in hospital, recovering from being hit by another > car. If you were in Boston, I'd come give you some sort of hug. My rule when visiting people in hospitals is to always try to sneak something in for them, like a beer or a stun gun, 'cause anyone who spends a lot of time in the hospital will be desperate for a beer or to kill the staff who won't let them have a beer. So if all you want is a hug, you're weird. Take the opportunity to ask for special presents or weapons! > [...] > > Status: > Nose: b0rked > Eye sockets: fractured > Eye sockets: bruised in a funky butterfly pattern (from where nose > has pushed up and leaked boold) > Chin: fixed via plastic surgery > Cats: on lap, eating kangaroo (obviously confusd, thinking it is a > giant mousie) Never mind that. Did you at least make an impressive dent in some rich guy's easy-to-sue luxury car? > [1] I've had so many visits at horse-piddle over the past 2 days that > I want a bit of a break :) DON'T LISTEN TO THEIR LIES! HORSE URINE IS NOT STERILE, THEREFORE YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK IT! STAND UP TO YOUR URINE DOCTOR AND TELL HIM YOU WANT SOMETHING THAT TASTES BETTER! I love the way every piece of pro-urine-therapy blather always boils down to "It's sterile, therefore, you should drink it." It's one of those sentences you just can't argue with because it has too many things wrong with it already. -- K. "Krazy Glue? It's sterile, therefore you should squirt it in your eyes!" That's actually _more_ sensible, since I think glue might actually be sterile. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Life lesson learned Date: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 19:23:34 -0400 John Schmidt (js@radix.net) wrote: > > If you *must* vary your morning routine, take the extra > two minutes and get your coffee at Starbuck's rather than > Bojangle's. Don't let a craving for ham biscuits trick you > into buying a cup of java that is apparently prepared by > pouring boiling water into the bottom of a monkey's cage > and steeping a pair of Junior Samples' underwear. That's not how they do it. They just buy the used spaghetti water from the steam table at the K-Mart Cafe. My local K-Mart closed (and removed the horrible cafe a few years before that.) It's time for a periodic reminder of how evil they were: At the "K-Cafe", the spaghetti was precooked stuff in plastic bags. To "cook" it, they would dump it into this pan of warm opaque gray water for a few minutes. That water was unbelievably scary. Anyway, my K-Cafe's long gone. So this means that the water Bojangle's has been using to make your coffee has been sitting around in a warehouse for years and years, or worse, it's been spending all this time getting "recycled" by Tim Connors's urine therapist. "We picked this name for our coffee bar because this is the water Mr. Bojangles died in!" Are the ham biscuits good? -- K. Also, I don't think Junior Samples wore underwear. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An urgent message for Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 19:48:47 -0400 Ian St. John (istjohn@noemail.usa) wrote: > > Subject: An urgent message for Archimedes Plutonium > > Your fly is open. Hey, my name's not Archimedes or Plutonium! What are you trying to pull? -- K. I'm not saying to stop. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An urgent message for Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 13 Oct 2005 00:53:10 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Ian St. John (istjohn@noemail.usa) wrote: > > > > Subject: An urgent message for Archimedes Plutonium > > > > Your fly is open. > > Also I saw the message: > ARCHIE > is > POO > > Scratched into one of the tables of the pub I go to all the time on the > weekend. This is like that "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episode where the Enterprise is caught in a time loop where it gets destroyed over and over because Frasier Crane keeps drunkenly crashing his Viper into it and nobody can figure out why they keep seeing subliminal "3"s all over everything until Mr. Data figures out they're trying to send themselves a message from before the previous time they went through the time loop and the number is intended to alert the costume department that Commander Riker has the wrong number of Tic Tacs glued to his shirt collar because he's a full commander and not a lieutenant commander so once they straighten out the wardrobe malfunction it ends the time loop and they can stop dying over and over. So, if we keep seeing evidence of Archie Pu embedded in everyday objects, such as tables or our breakfast toast, it's a sign that we're all going to die over and over and over unless we can keep Lowercase TJ Frazir from crashing his invisible yacht into Archimedes Plutonium's invisible island. But I'm not sure whether the best course of action would be to use a tractor beam or just depressurize the shuttle bay to blow us clear. I'm open to suggestions from anyone who's not a smart-alecky android, Wesley Crusher, or someone who thought I was making a "Battlestar Galactica" reference when I mentioned Kelsey Grammer driving a Viper. -- K. ARCHIE is POO welCOME dataCOMP ARCHIE is POO WELcome DATAcomp ARCHIE is POO welCOME dataCOMP ARCHIE is POO WELcome DATAcomp ARCHIE is POO welCOME dataCOMP PIP pip APPLEJACK ARCHIE is POO PIP pip APPLEJACK ARCHIE IS POO PIP pip POOP ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Lindsey Wagner Commercial Date: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 19:56:59 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > How old do you idiots think I am? I'm not old enough for someone to be > hot to me 25 years ago. I was FOUR 25 years ago. FOUR. That's a long time to be four. > [...] > > I have to worry about my large penis. Why, won't they let you keep it in the fourth dimension any more? Has that evil imaginary dimension started charging rent for sticking your special penis into it? If so, you should file a legal-law lawsuit from your legal-law lawsuitery desk of law. Be sure to print it in a purple glittery cursive font because that makes it more important. -- K. It's not the size that counts, it's which dimension you use it in. P.S. If Kurt Vonnegut dies tomorrrow, that reference counts as the Death Ray trigger. So it goes. P.P.S.: I have an asterisk! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Lindsey Wagner Commercial Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 02:57:16 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > I've been having on-and-off leg and foot cramps recently. It used to be > once every couple months or less when I'd get awakened yelling in pain, > but this week there's been multiple nights where I'm lying there _saying_ > "please don't do this" to the leg muscles which are sitting there giggling > "About to cramp! Not quite cramped yet, but I'm gonna! I'm gonna do it!"... Dude, if you tie yourself to the bed with straps instead of ropes they won't cut off your circulation like that. I know preventing night-time masturbation is important, but it's not worth cutting off circulation in any appendage you have two of. If worst comes to worst, upgrade to a vacuum bed. Just remember not to bring your bag of potato chips into bed with you or you'll have to spend the night covered with a uniform layer of two-dimensional potato chip powder. And remember, vacuum beds won't work in outer space, which is a plot point in many movies on the planet Tralfamadore. Oh, and don't buy any really cheap vacuum beds made from old fishnet stockings. They only work if you have a vacuum cleaner that can suck up the Earth's entire atmosphere once a second. And I think only Underdog knows where to get one of those, and you really don't want to involve him in your sick anti-masturbation fantasies. -- K. Have you considered just getting the operation? You know, the one men can get for free at the Martha Stewart clinic? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Lindsey Wagner Commercial Date: Thu, 13 Oct 2005 16:47:38 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com): > > > > [to Lots42] > > > > [...] I can see you walking around with one hand on your diaper > > and the other on your pirate hat, screaming "ARRR! THEM'S BE > > ONE FINE MOMMA!" everytime you spotted a rubinsesque woman at > > Chuck E Cheese. > > Chuck E. Cheese is scary. Eww. Talysman, please stop telling us whether or not you're watching the adult babies who parade around Chuck E. Cheese. If we wanted to see adult babies, we'd go over to alt.tv.seaquest. Or Chuck E. Cheese. They're about the same thing except one has a singing rat and the other has a psychic talking dolphin and no, they're forbidden by the Code Of Hammurabi from singing a duet -- a cat may look at a king, ape may not kill ape, and dolphin may not squeak with rat. Uh oh. I think I accidentally wrote "Baby Geniuses 3: Hyperbabies". Hollywood's going to read this article and rush the terrible movie into production for its world premiere at the Chuck E. Cheese Theatre Of Hurt just to make adult babies cry. "You'll laugh so hard, you'll swallow your Nuk 5!" Seriously, Hollywood needs to stop making "Baby Geniuses" movies. Or almost any other sort of movie. And yes, Lots, Chuck E. Cheese is scary, especially when you realize that there are evil hippies just waiting to squirt tubes of Krazy Glue into the ball pit after you dive in. -- K. Why doesn't Jack Webb stop them? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Conversation With Doggies: Morning Date: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 20:21:07 -0400 Monroe, of course... (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > The breed has I believe been proposed to the Kennel Club twice, > > although rejected so far. > > Izzat 'Labradoodle' or 'Poodor'? The KC won't recognize the Great DaneX > Chihuahua = "Great Wawa" either Lately, poor little Spot's been half poodle, half dachshund -- a poolong -- but now I'm tempted to change him to a poodor so that all the labradoodles can look down on him for being put together backwards. He'd be Labrador on the left and poodle on the right instead of the other way around, and also, he'd be chased across the Galaxy by Frank Gorshin wearing a gray bodystocking with no underwear. His only friend would be Der Pudelmopsdackelpinscher from the Nazi children's book of the same name (by Ernst Hiemer, 1940) except they wouldn't be friends for very long because Spot's Jewish. Spot wasn't always Jewish, but he ate too much kishke and suddenly he discovered he had turned Jewish. He wasn't sure that was how it happened, but his rabbi said that was the only way it could have. > > But that's no worse than "Jack Russell". > > The answer to: "Let's breed up a dog that acts like it's wired on > cocaine 24/7." That's what makes them cute! Some dogs are cute because they're real quiet and tame. And some dogs are cute because they bounce up and down all the time. Besides, it keeps them from farting. You get a dog that does nothing but eat and sleep, like a bulldog, and you're going to have to install a different flavor of air freshener in every square foot of your home just to reduce the smell to where the air's not quite opaque. -- K. While writing this, I was interrupted by a TV commercial for "Urine Gone". I want to buy one of those black lights that shows invisible pee stains, then sneak into someone's home and paint ultraviolet dye all over random stuff, then show up with the black light so I can try to convince them their cat peed all over everything they own, including the ceiling. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Conversation With Doggies: Morning Date: Fri, 14 Oct 2005 04:12:18 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > Errrm, "Jack Russell" isn't a real kind of dog. Or at least, > > it's not a breed recognised by the Kennel Club, which is about > > the same thing if you are one of those strange people who worries > > about pedigrees. But you already knew this, right? I'd hate to > > make the baby Darla cry again. > > For heaven's sake, John. The Jack Russell Terrier, aka the Parson > Jack Russell Terrier, aka the Parson Russell Terrier (currently the > preferred name) has been a recognized working breed in Engerland since > the start of the 19th century. It has also been recognized in the US > and Canada, and has competed at both Westminster and Crufts. Nuh-uh. Jack Russells may be cute and Crufty, but they are indeed fictional. You see, on "Space: 1999", Barbara Bain played Dr. Helena Russell. In the episode "Matter Of Life And Death", she met her ex-husband, Jack. But it turned out Jack Russell was really just a ghost made of antimatter so the whole planet exploded and everyone died but because it was just antimatter they all anti-died and the episode never happened and her hairdo never even got mussed up because antimatter's not as powerful as hairspray. Also he was played by an actor who looked even more like Martin Landau than Martin Landau did, proving that Helena Russell has a Martin Landau fetish back in 1999. Man, those historical dramas are confusing. No, wait, I just remembered, the character's name was Lee Russell, not Jack Russell. So that makes Jack Russells doubly fictional because they weren't even mentioned on "Space: 1999"! Anyway, they're the world's cutest dogs, even if there aren't any. -- K. If Martin Landau were a dog, he'd be one of those tricolor Jack Russells that looks like it has huge black eyebrows. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Psychotic speed freak news Date: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 20:36:00 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > [...] A summons to appear in court at Taunton to answer charges > under the M4 Junction 18 (temporary roadworks) Act of 2004 and > the Psychotic Speed Freak limitation Act of 1988, accompanied by > several photographs of what is rather obviously my car. > > Now, I should like to consult the hivebrane of the Kibologiat to > advise me on the correct course to take once I am in Court. Leather, and lots of it. Or a wheelchair. "Your honor, I couldn't have been driving fast, because I was in a wheelchair!" Then if the judge calls you illogical, stand up and scream "YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE I'M IN THIS WHEELCHAIR!" Then throw the wheelchair at the judge's head. You can get a wheelchair at your local pawnshop. > I am already planning a brief Tim-Brooke-Taylor-like declamation > about the disgraceful way the current state of the law deprives > me of the right not to incriminate myself, and a plea in > mitigation pointing out that no possible harm could come to > anyone as a resuly of my brief excursion to 51 mph on a perfectly > good dry motorway in perfect vis with no vehicles or people ahead > or astern for about a kilometre. If you must be one of The Goodies, I recommend being Graeme Garden so that you can also use the sideburns to be a professional Isaac Asimov re-enactor during your visits to the Futuristic Renaissance Festival where robots build plastic versions of leather mead mugs. It would be like that scene in Steven Spielberg's Stanley Kubrick's "A.I." except you wouldn't be surrounded by a bad movie. Also, your face wouldn't melt if you were dumb enough to eat spinach. > But I need some more kibological elements to really make the case > stand out, and relieve the terrible tedium of another day in > court for all those barristers, stenographers, clerks, ushers and > whatnot. Short shameful confession: We Americans think a "barrister" is one of those fancy-schmancy dog breeds only hoity-toity people have, unlike your average American who owns a common everyday dog like a pit bull. > So far I have considered a re-run of the Phrase Insertion > Competition of blessed memory; taking into court a large stuffed > animal and periodically consulting it for legal advice; and, my > favourite so far, ostentatiously tossing a coin before entering > my plea of "guilty" or "not guilty". Try wearing a straitjacket and Hannibal Lecter muzzle as they wheel you in on one of those luggage carts they use to transport the world's most dangerous crazy people. Then claim it's a wheelchair, and throw it at the judge's head. > Now, if anyone has any good suggestions for other kibological > elements I can introduce (preferably carrying a less than evens > chance of getting me done for contempt), I am, as the man said, > all ears. "Your honor, the speed cameras couldn't possibly have photographed my license plate, because I obscured it real good!" > Mind, there's not a cat in hell's chance of me getting off if > this flowchart is a faor representation of court procedure: > > http://www.cjsonline.gov.uk/framework/ccmf/misc/rm_tc.html > > Notice how there are no arrows for "not guilty". "Trial fixed" is my favorite part. Here in the U.S., we're not allowed to fix trials. They're all broken. -- K. You could wear one of those T-shirts that says "ME WANT KILL YOU, FUCK FUCK FUCK." And then when the judge orders you to take off the obscene T-shirt, underneath you'd have a tattoo that says "ME WANT KILL YOU, AND ALSO, THIS TATTOO DOES NOT SAY 'FUCK'." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What I've Learned From A.R.K. Date: Thu, 13 Oct 2005 01:45:22 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > I've noticed several people in various groups that I am convinced are > the opposite of lurkers. They post but never read the group. I LIKE MITTENS -- K. P.S.: I'M HUNGRY -- K. P.P.S: OH NO MY MITTENS TASTE FUNNY ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Just found the group Date: Thu, 13 Oct 2005 07:38:14 -0400 anthony (anthonyjhcnospam@netscape.net) wrote: > > Well, thanks for the welcome, all.... > sort of a Whit Stillman group, I see. Very uhb with a faint trace of > vegemite. Be very careful, or I might just feel right at home, even > though I'm probably 40 years older than anyone else here. Hiya, Mister Old Guy! You sure are old! How old are ya? I'M THWEE!!! > And spell 'colour' and 'night' those ways. I'm living in the past. I still spell "shazbot" with a long "s". Written with a quill. Dipped in the warm blood of the last dodo bird. -- K. NOW I'M THWEE AN' A HALF!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Fri, 14 Oct 2005 04:01:36 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > So I was at the docs, asking him for more migraine meds, please, when > firemen came by and told us to leave. That's one hell of a migraine if it sets off the smoke alarms. > They said 'Get out and keep going'. They didn't say you could stop to post to alt.religion.kibology. KEEP GOING!!! RUN AWAY!!! > So we did, up to the spot where another firemen said to stop. Because > listening to those who want to protect your life is okay. I want to protect you life, and your wallet too. Better let me hang onto your wallet for safekeeping in case you die. > And THEN, on the way, my mom griped at me because I told a guy to put > out his cig. > > My mom was afraid he would come up and punch me. This, with about > thirty other people around. And we weren't in the safety zone yet. > > Because somehow, that makes sense. And because somehow a punch is worse > then a flaming ball of DEATH. It is if you do it right. -- K. So who do you like better, pirates or firemen? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Thu, 20 Oct 2005 22:23:34 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > Your character is "the 29-year-old comic-book guy who lives with his > > mother" in my script. "Never been laid" is in your character's back > > story, along with "Star Wars and Buffy fanboy." Triumph, the comic > > insult dog, will soon be heckling you. See, you're actually a > > stereotype! > > Triumph is cool. And why do you say I've never been laid? What posessed > you to be so wrong? Chris mistakenly thought you were a "top". I'll explain all about your sex life to him, but I'll do it privately so as not to embarrass you. While we're on the subject of which stereotype you are, I think you're the type who goes to the anime store and asks to buy one of the "OTAKU" shirts and the guy behind the counter won't let you so then you say "Fine, then I'll make my own," and you go home and draw all over an old undershirt with a Sharpie but nobody can figure out why you drew plutonium atoms on it so to stop people from laughing at you, you hide your homemade T-shirt under your homemade cape and someday you'll win a Nobel Prize and then you'll have the scientific authority to force them to apologize. Either that or you're waiting in line right now for the forthcoming "Star Wars: Episode IIII: Return Of The Revenge Of The Curse Of The Zorch", and you're going to get all cranky when Triumph insults all the other costumed fanboys and skips right past you 'cause your costume consists of the same T-shirt turned inside out so you could Sharpie "PLEASE MAKE FUN OF ME, TRIUMPH, I HEART U" all over it. And flashing your "KICK ME" Underoos isn't helping. -- K. I'm waiting for "Episode IIIII: End Of The Beginning Of The End Of The Series Of The Chapter Of The Greatest Story Ever Told With Jar-Jar In It." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Thu, 20 Oct 2005 22:07:16 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > I say what I want and I feel what I want when I want. Sometimes I'm > snarky and or mean. Don't like it? Oh well. That's it, butch it up and be a man. Just 'cause you've got an orientation doesn't mean you have to be a sissy. So take off that Oscar Wilde outfit and buy some real clothes at the Army-Navy surplus store. (Remember, only actual military camo patterns, not those bizarre blue and pink ones left over from the days of Zubaz.) And lose the "Oh well." It should be "Don't like it? TOUGH!" 'cause tough guys say "tough" while wimpy guys say "well" and "swell" and "I'm waiting for my quiche to jell, so my hunger it may quell". Let's practice: ME: How are you feeling? YOU: I'm well. ME: Wrong wrong WRONG! Again! How are you feeling? YOU: I'm good. ME: Okay, you're getting gooder at this, but now try it without the Hello Kitty doll. Just throw it on that chair. YOU: But then perhaps someone might... um... HAVE A SEAT ON IT. ME: You're hopeless. Go back to Remedial Potsie School. YOU: But I want to be a man, just like you! ME: Never happen, kid. I just don't see you being able to smoke a cigar without using one of those long plastic cigarette holders. You're the sort of guy who would cut extra holes in his ski mask so it wouldn't press on his ears. You've probably never even broken the glass on a single pinball machine. Get on your Vespa and go. YOU: Aw, shucks. You mean guys aren't very nice! Now I regret paying you five hundred dollars for lessons in how not to be a sucker. ME: (HOLDS UP FLASHCARD SAYING "TOUGH".) -- K. It's like all those Zen parables about the student being enlightened, except it actually works, whereas with Zen you just keep paying to hear stories about how everyone else got englightened and you didn't. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Wed, 19 Oct 2005 23:48:49 -0400 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > Just to make this clear, the following is a list of non-sexy places to live: > > 1. At home with your parents > 2. In your mother's bedroom > 3. Perth > 4. Stately Wayne Manor > 5. A dumpster > 6. Your office > 7. With 11 other dudes, some of whom have TB and most of whom wank noisily > after lights out > 8. Sharing a flat with Benny Hill's bloated corpse > 9. A halfway house, or any house that isn't completely there > 10. Your car, unless it is parked somewhere really cool That's odd, my list is not only better than yours, but every item on it is different. UNSEXY PLACES TO LIVE: 1. On the Internet. 2. In Heaven. (Everything's white and fluffy. Heaven is so gay!) 3. Underwater with a talking dolphin and pudding-coated Roy Scheider. 4. Up your nose. (With or without a rubber hose.) 5. In an igloo made entirely from frozen vomit. 6. Between David Letterman's front teeth. 7. At the bottom of a pile of dead Tribbles. 8. Inside Wendy Carlos's organ. 9. In the crawlspace above a McDonalds and below a Chik-Fil-A. 10. Time-sharing a coffin with the inventor of durian-flavored cereal, Count Durula. THIS IS NOT A COMPLETE LIST AND MAY NOT STAND UP IN COURT. SPONSORED BY COUNT DURULA. -- K. 11. In the Ty-D-Bol man's boat's tiny chemical toilet in your toilet inside the Anti-Ty-D-Bol Man's enormous toilet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 16:11:18 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > > > But the guy who came into my ward the next day told his family that > > "so many people have now seen my cock". > > > > I only can assume that his rooster was involved in the accident with > > him. Eskimos have over 20,000 words for "snow", but Australians are short a "cock". Americans, on the other hand, have over 3,000,000,000,000 words for "our giant national penis". Double that if you count regional dialects, such as in the parts of the country where "penis" is pronounced "pay-uh-nay-us" by wrestlers who wrap their pay-uh-nay-us in day-uct tay-up before getting their neck broken by Jerry Lawler in May-um-phay-us, Tay-uh-nah-uh-say-uh. You should hear what it sounds like when someone from Tennessee tries to speak Ubbidub. It takes weeks. > > I was covered up when they removed the knicks. Oddly enough, I think > > I stayed concious the whole morning - after being hit, while in the > > ambulance, while in the emergency theatre and then ward, and I > > remember the ambos asking to have my cycling jersey cut off, > > After having my tonsils out, I was told that they still removed my > undies. They just wanted to twist your steering wheel. > For those who went through the American school system, undies > are nowhere near tonsils, unless you have made a horrible mistake. I'm sure they realized that after seeing your genitals. -- K. Did they at least give you one of those urocaths where a cute little clown is holding the balloon? Dr. Patch Adams knows how to tie one into a balloon animal while it's still inside your urethra. Everyone loves Patch Adams! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Sun, 16 Oct 2005 03:37:47 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > SWOOSH! New And Different Brilliant Colored Kontext-Away emanates from an elusive orifice to edibilize most of what Lots42 said! > [...] > > It'd be like urinating on the b-day cake. > > [...] BAZOOM! Kontext-Away With Extended Architecture And A Garage swirls back down the drain from which it would have come if Kontext-Away came from a drain which it doesn't because Kontext-Away is perfect! Anyway, Lots, I don't want to hear your version of "MacArthur Park". That song Elton John wrote about farting on cakes is bad enough, especially what with Princess Di having to be murdered just to make it come true. -- K. I heard Mike O likes to fart on Cokes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Thu, 20 Oct 2005 22:40:08 -0400 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > I say what I want > > Me too! SPONG FUCK TITTY SPORK WITH BLOOD BLOOD WHALE VOMIT AMBERGRIS SHUNT > MEOW OH SHIT. > > > Ahem. > > And now I fully expect society to treat me the contempt I so richly deserve. See, Lots, John understands the _whole_ rule: "I say what I want, especially if other people don't want me to say it." It's cheating to say what you want if you think other people want you to say it. ...and don't you enjoy doing push-ups? -- K. "The Bloody Spork" would have been a great name for the original Buzzy's, before they tore it down and also tore down the jail that surrounded it on the three sides the el didn't go over. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 20:24:20 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > I buy G.I.Joe figures when I can afford it. This is a remarkable change > from buying them when I could not afford it. Does that count as having > a grown up life? Um, Lots, I think those aren't real G.I. Joe dolls you're buying, since they're life-size and anatomically correct. -- K. But I agree with you that Joe is a lot more handsome than the Billy dolls. Hey, have you considered getting a scar? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Sun, 23 Oct 2005 17:51:16 -0400 TomH (address@my.sig) wrote: > > [...] So I am happy to be known as a Scot, male, even if I wear a kilt. You spelled that wrong. It's: "ARRRR! ME BE A SCOT! THIS BE A FINE KILT! IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!" ...'cause Scotsmen are just as tough as pirates. So what tartan do you wear? Most of the guys I see in kilts are wearing some sort of degenerate tartan consisting of a single black stripe wide enough to cover the entire kilt. I never see anyone with a sporran, though. Occasionally I spot someone with a cheap-ass, ineptly-made (possibly homemade) leather "kilt" that doesn't have the correct pleating and the wearer is strolling around not realizing what they're wearing is a "skirt". A skirt for girls. Girly girls. It doesn't turn into a man's garment just 'cause you took the poodle off it. I haven't seen anyone wearing the "skant" from first-season "Star Trek: The Next Generation". That would be the same as wearing a "KICK ME" sign which covered your entire body except for your skinny legs. Anyway, Tom, I hope you're wearing a proper man-kilt and not something with a poodle on one side and a "Star Trek" badge on the other. Also, you better have nice legs. -- K. I won't ask the obvious question about what sort of underwear you don't wear. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 20:59:12 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Um, Lots, I think those aren't real G.I. Joe dolls you're buying, > > since they're life-size and anatomically correct. > > I wish. Three of the Joes are delectably female shaped. Yeah, but you ruined their value as collectibles by swapping the heads like that. -- K. "Look out! Cobra Commander now has a Farrah Fawcett Fashion Head!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 20:55:39 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, have you considered getting a scar? > > I do have several scars. They just aren't visible. Usually. I have > three nasty ones on my pasty chest. In a row horizontally. Hey, I was just wondering if I'd ever meet anyone I could tear in half along the dotted line! > I could concievably tell people I was the victim of a drive by stabbing. You don't get dates with scar stories like that. You get dates with scar stories like "Sure, I knew the shark was electrified, but I had to save that puppy. The doctors had to put in a solar plexus made of solid plexiglas, but it was worth it to see the look on that puppy's face when I wedged the electroshark's jaws open with my rugged, manly chest." The only visible scars I have are the Ed Norton in "Fight Club" one and the Michael Ironside in "Scanners" one. I need to get some "Ichi The Killer" scars if movies are going to keep altering my body to bring about The New Flesh. I bet that if you met David Cronenberg you wouldn't even let him lick your scars, no matter how much he begged. Didn't Elias Koteas give an awesome performance in "Crash"? Man, that movie was the best scar porn ever! Sure kicked the ass of the scar scene at the beginning of "From Russia With Love". -- K. I'm still waiting for "24" to explain what the deal is with President Allstate's face. Did he get that scar in a violent Presidential debate? ("MR. PRESIDENT I DON'T HAVE TIME TO EXPLAIN BUT YOU HAVE TO ORDER ME TO SHOOT YOUR OPPONENT OR A NUCLEAR BOMB WILL BE DETONATED AT THE EARTH'S CORE!") ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Thu, 20 Oct 2005 22:59:45 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > ...and don't you enjoy doing push-ups? > > No, I don't. THAT'S "SIR, NO, I DON'T, SIR!" NOW DROP AND GIVE ME EIGHT BILLION AND THREE! I'M GONNA HAVE YOU DOING PUSH-UPS UNTIL YOU START TO LIKE IT! THEN I'M GOING TO FORBID YOU FROM DOING PUSH-UPS JUST TO MAKE YOU CRY! AND THEN I'M GONNA PUNISH YOU FOR CRYING BY MAKING YOU DO PUSH-UPS AND NOT DO PUSH-UPS AT THE SAME TIME! YOU'RE GONNA BE SO FULL OF PUSH-UPS THAT WHEN YOU SHIT, PUSH-UPS WILL COME OUT! AND THERE AIN'T GONNA BE NO FRED FREAKING FLINTSTONE TO HELP YOU! DINOSAURS WILL EAT YOUR FACE AND YOU'LL LIKE THAT TOO! YOU'LL LIKE WHATEVER I TELL YOU TO LIKE! AND I'LL MAKE IT SO THAT THE ONLY THING YOU'LL LIKE IS TO NOT LIKE ANYTHING! AND THE LOGIC WILL FUCK WITH YOUR BRAIN WITHOUT THE COURTESY OF A MENTAL REACHAROUND! ...wait, you're not playing the _fat_ guy from "Full Metal Jacket", are you? 'Cause if you are, I'm gonna let someone else be R. Lee Ermey for a while. Maybe he can be himself. I'm gonna be a ninja if you're fat. > I have to be careful how I exert myself. I exercise at a moderate > pace, for example, walking two miles. That's not exertion, that's transportation. (I would indicate that I was doing an impression of Truman Capote for that reference, except I think you already called dibs on him.) > If I did forty pushups in a row, chances are I'd end up with a hideous > migraine for twelve straight hours. And who, besides everyone in this > newsgroup, wants that for me? Hey, I get migraines too, but you don't hear me complainin'. Best way to get rid of migraines is to give them to other people. I haven't had one since you put on that "KICK ME" sign. -- K. ...don't you enjoy being kicked? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Thu, 20 Oct 2005 22:47:04 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > > > Your character is "the 29-year-old comic-book guy who lives with his > > > mother" in my script. "Never been laid" is in your character's back > > > story, along with "Star Wars and Buffy fanboy." Triumph, the comic > > > insult dog, will soon be heckling you. See, you're actually a > > > stereotype! > > > > Triumph is cool. And why do you say I've never been laid? What posessed > > you to be so wrong? > > It's in your scripted back story. Your stereotypical lives-with-mom > character's never been laid, laughs and milk comes outta his nose > (even when he hasn't drunk milk), keeps a light-saber, has a cowlick > in his hair from all those high school swirlies, collects "action > figures" but never opens their original boxes, and kills people when > the voices in his head get *really* loud and tell him to. See? THAT's > how you script a life! Wait, his hair's that way because of the swirlies? I just thought he was a Tintin cosplayer, especially what with him constantly yelling "BOUM!" and "WOAH!" I want to go into business printing brand new replica boxes so that any bozo can buy a beat-up old G.I. Joe at a garage sale, buy a shiny new box from me, and put it on eBay as an honest-to-god VINTAGE GI JOE IN UNOPENED BOX. I'd ship the empty boxes to the scammers in flatpacks because the box isn't considered "opened" before it's closed the first time. I wonder what those scammers are going to do with all of Lots42's money? -- K. My life isn't a script, I think of it more as Roman. Can't _you_ see the Roman soldiers following us around? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Anyone else thinking of buying surgical masks and latex gloves? Date: Sat, 15 Oct 2005 16:46:09 -0400 "That's Mr. Hole's ExporatedBloodFlow" (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > The pandemic is almost here. I've been stocking up on bottled water and > caned foods so when it hits I won't have to leave the hose until most > everyone on the planet is dead but just in case I'm going to start > wearing the masks and gloves. What, you don't have supplies left over from that SARS pandemic that killed half the world's population? Or the swine flu pandemic that killed the other half of the world's population? Here's a suggestion, Mr. Hole: If you don't want to catch the Asian Bird Flu, don't travel to Asia with the intent of kissing a duck on the lips. Are you the sort of guy who takes one of those paper toilet-seat covers from the dispenser whenever he uses a urinal? > I might end up looking like Michael Jackson though. Nobody gets Michael Jackson and Prince confused. So you just have to do what Prince does and everyone will be able to tell you and Michael apart. However, they'll all think you're Prince. Anyway, I suggest writing some songs about how cool Michael Keaton in a rubber suit is. -- K. YAY THE NHL HAS PLAYED FOR A WHOLE WEEK WITHOUT A STRIKE. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Updates requested Date: Sat, 15 Oct 2005 16:54:34 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Prior to my journey into pre-electricity civilization there were > several nuptials,blings & other things going on here. I had hoped to catch > up on them via google but that's turning out to be difficult for > me for reasons I don't care to understand. (I can see the thread titles > but I can't get all the posts to show up on the monitor.) But that's not > important right now. What is important is I seem to have no month of > September on my calendar for 2005 and many questions. > > 1) Did Rose Marie get married? And are there fotos somewhere? > 2) What's the deal with Twillis' wedding gown and are there fotos > somewhere? What about the wedding plans in Vegas? What's up with that? > 3) Does Kerri still have her bling bling? What's up with that? > 4) What color is Kibo's hair now? This week: Fluorescent orange. I may or may not have recently been seen in public wearing a matching n-n-necktie, which will now be burned. Women kept telling me I looked nice in the stupid evil necktie. I don't understand how all the women of the world managed to trick all the men of the world into wearing neckties. I know all women love wearing high heels, but still, that's no excuse for them using their evil powers to make men wear neckties. > 5) What has Spot been up to lately? He's converted to Judaism because of some flimsy reason involving him getting piggy with the kishke. It's like that "Seinfeld" episode, except with a different plot and without Jerry, George, Elaine, or Kramer. But it does have theme music consisting of random boings and pops. Oh, and commercials. > 6) Where's Seth? Haven't seen him in a while. I dunno what he's made of himself lately. > 7) What's up with Halliburton? The conspiracy leads to Archimedes Plutonium's aluminum briefcase. > 8) What's up with Son of Imp? > 9) Did Darla and Vlad manage to meet up with the Gokmop,Zixia > and Clans in Yurp? > 10) Where's Stacia? > 11) Why can't I stay asleep? > 12) Does anyone have any Halloween party plans? Halloween is not a party. Halloween is a month. -- K. It should be a decade. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Haw haw, burn on Nigeria! Date: Sun, 16 Oct 2005 03:30:12 -0400 [www.eweek.com] -> -> LONDON (Reuters) -- Microsoft has announced an anti-fraud partnership -> with Nigeria, the country of origin for some of the Internet's most -> notorious e-mail scams. -> -> Microsoft, which has been working to improve security and -> reliability amid an onslaught of malicious software targeting -> weakness in Windows and other Microsoft software, signed a -> memorandum of understanding with the Nigerian Economic and -> Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) on Friday. Well, that's the end of that. No more spam, now that a company and a country have signed a _memorandum_! That's like a memo, but with more syllables! It's as effective as _three_ Post-It Notes! Hey, I've got a memo to send too. MEMO TO NIGERIA: GET OFF MY INTERNET. -- K. Also, your country's name has a dirty word in it. Please only continue using the Internet just long enough to register your country's new name with Google Earth. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Haw haw, burn on Nigeria! Date: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 04:58:35 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Microsoft [...] signed a memorandum of understanding with > > -> the Nigerian Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) > > -> on Friday. > > > > Well, that's the end of that. No more spam, now that a company and > > a country have signed a _memorandum_! That's like a memo, but with > > more syllables! It's as effective as _three_ Post-It Notes! > > Well, since all the problems were caused by political figures trying > to get their money out of the country, it makes sense to go for a > political solution. Were laxer banking laws part of the partnership's > goals? If not, I don't see how it can make much difference. Latex banking laws? Hmm. I'm not sure I should ask about the "severe penalty for early withdrawal". Anyway, I got a look at the Mem-O-Randum of Und-O-Standing that Microsoft sent to Nigeria. It's worse than we thought. It says: SURE, U GUYZ CAN UZE MY BANK ACC0UNT. THE ACC0UNT NUMB3R IZ 16576-83748-18403, AND U D1DNT ASK BUT MY SECRET P1N NUMB3R IZ 1234. SINCEARLY, B1LL G4T3Z !!!!1 Please buckle your seat belt because the American economy will crash in five seconds. -- K. Seriously, can't all the nations of the world just agree to change their national currencies to something that's not valid in Nigeria? I call dibs on being the picture on the ten-lowercase-letter note. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: How Ronald Works. Date: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 02:56:48 -0400 Someone mailed me a link to someone who had posted a Ronald McDonald costume on CraigsList, and I answered: > > That's the _old_ Ronald with the narrow red and white stripes, the one who > wore giant clown shoes. About four years ago they made his stripes wider, > when he changed to the giant red Doc Martens and did the hair as more > of a fluffy dreadlock thing instead of a fluffy Afro thing. My correspondent expressed amazement that I knew how wide Ronald's stripes were supposed to be, so I wrote back with this, which turned out to be a good enough explanation of the terrifying world of corporate identity standards that I figured I'd post it here: ... You better believe McDonalds must have a giant corporate identity manual specifying not only what color the "M" logo should be (and where the little "(R)" goes) but also exactly what Ronald's uniform looks like. When they change him even slightly, it's a big deal -- they did the revision with the thicker stripes as preparation for the Beijing Olympics. Something as famous as Ronald's design is changed less than once a decade. A corporate designer has to be utterly obsessive about getting this stuff right because there are legal ramifications to screwing it up, and if the company doesn't enforce the specifications everything automatically drifts away from the ideal because people fuck up other people's designs every chance they get. So somewhere there is set of binders saying what the width of those stripes is, and what Pantone color they are, and which printing processes they may be reproduced by, and what the approval procedure for any new drawings of Ronald is. Page 1 must say something to the effect of "THIS COMPANY WILL GO OUT OF BUSINESS IMMEDIATELY IF YOU EVER GET ANY OF THIS WRONG, AND BY THE WAY, A HUGE TEAM OF LAWYERS IS WATCHING YOU." I have never seen any McDonalds design standards manuals, but they must be huge, with so many divisions, products, applications, and characters requiring legal protection. General Electric's corporate identity standards manual runs several hundred pages. And they have only _one_ graphical mark, while McDonalds has to worry about everything from spoon handles to clown costumes to blimps to ketchup packets to creepy talking McNuggets. McDonalds has famous rules specifying how Ronald may act in commercials. For instance, he may not drive fast, may not gamble, and may not use his magic powers to wish annoying kids away. "Brief hand-holding is permitted." I'm amazed that McDonalds Japan was able to do that commercial with the sexy woman dressed as Ronald. That's akin to if Apple decided that as a joke they'd use a picture of grapes instead of a shiny plastic apple in one ad. It's absolutely wrong from a standpoint of trademark protection. Remember that the ultimate intent of trademark law is to protect the consumer -- if you buy something sold by a striped clown, it better be a McDonalds burger and not a Clorox product. So there has to be a one-to-one correspondence between visual identities and brands to ensure that the consumers don't purchase (or consume) something they think is something else. And since the company's legal protection could lapse if they didn't use their mark with absolute consistency, those of us who have done that sort of design work are obsessive about knowing the details of how such marks may be presented, even those of other companies. (I never plan to have anything to do with McDonalds, but I can't look at anything such as a McDonalds sign without automatically studying every detail of its style. My "designer's eye" does not get switched off. In my case, it's a matter of my brain being hardwired that way due to whatever caused me to never develop the other sort of visual perception, the one that recognizes faces. I have always had an overdeveloped ability for detailed visual analysis because for faces I have to rely on that rather than the instant recognition most people have.) -- K. Don't get me started on the 437 things that are wrong with the design of the Verizon logo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How Ronald Works. Date: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 15:59:16 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > When I was in the Disney movie Luck of the Irish, I was entertained by > all the constraints that Disney put on what content was permissable. My > favorite (in an anal-sort of way), was the sing-along scene in a pub with > the evil leprechan henchmen. "In An Anal Sort Of Way" is the other movie that was made on the same set after Disney went home. The DVD case said, "Little People Aren't Little Where It Counts!" and "Stop, My Ass Is Already Lucky Enough!" > Since it was very much forbidden that we encourage consumption of booze- > like substances, the pub morphed into a Deli. There were Guinness-like > beverages on the table, but they weren't allowed to be holding them or > having a drink, so they were singing and having a good time, while > holding sandwiches. You wouldn't want to drink them anyway. Often to get around the you-can't-show-people-drinking-beer-on-TV rules, actors are seen drinking non-alc beer that has another ladleful of salt dumped into it right before every take (salt gives it head.) That's also the title of the third movie made on that set. > Being quite the subversive lot, the henchmen decided they would clink > their sandwiches together frequently. Their goal was to do it so often > that it would be impossible to edit them all out. (However, the editors, > with their 733t skills were able to cut them all out anyway.) Those trims were then used to make a fourth movie, "Leprechauns Eat The Meat That Goes Clink". With Little Werner Klemperer as Little Colonel Klink! If he doesn't confiscate Little Richard Dawson's spy radio, then Little Hitler will be ever so angry! > We were having a riot with that scene, and the director praised us > saying: "That was great, in spite of all the goofy shit!" And everyone learned a valuable lesson: That little people have magical powers and thus should only be allowed to play leprechauns in movies. I give mad props to "Seinfeld" for featuring a major character who was a little person playing a human being. In most of Mickey's appearances, he was just this guy. And then there were a couple episodes that actually dealt with the social reality of being a little person. Never once did he wear a little green hat, dance a jig, or emit a sparkly cloud of particle-system effects. About the only other case I can think of where a little person played the role of a person and not an elf/gnome/fairy/ sprite/goblin/troll/leprechaun/Kaplutian is Billy Barty as the TV cameraman in "UHF". Oh, and "The Terror Of Tiny Town". That was the most commendable movie ever because it had dozens of little people acting like regular people. I note that the rules about what little people can and can't do on TV and in movies seem to be followed more often than the rules about whether people can drink beer. -- K. And if you get the "Kaplutian" reference, you've now officially seen too much TV. I heard the guy who lives inside R2D2 watches TV in there. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How Ronald Works. Date: Thu, 20 Oct 2005 21:39:54 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > With Little Werner Klemperer as Little Colonel Klink! If he doesn't > > confiscate Little Richard Dawson's spy radio, then Little Hitler will > > be ever so angry! > > YOUR KLINK IS NOT OK! > > you realize you are going to HELL for giving the tv industry the idea > for "Hogan's Herobabies", where three-year-olds play an obsessive game > of "Allies and Nazis" that only occasionally gets interrupted by the > grownups (who, of course, are faceless, but will be based on norse gods > and famous businessmen. I imagine this has already been an animated series produced in Japan. It's not to be confused with "Apocalypse Meow", which is about how wacky it would be if the Vietnam war starred a bunch of funny animals, just like Art Spiegelman's zany "Maus". Rule #1 of bad ideas: Once someone mentions a bad idea, if Hollywood passes on it, the Japanese'll pick it up. > [...] > > there was also a show I can't remember the name of, set in a hotel that > wasn't Hot L Baltimore... it was intended to be a wacky-bizarre comedy > show, but it failed after a few episodes. or maybe, I imagined most of > the episodes and it was just a pilot. anyways, the ONLY thing I clearly > remember from this show is Billy Barty smoking a cigar, removing it, > turning it around, and smoking the other end. I'm not sure what kind of > role you called that; you couldn't call it "pixie/sprite", because ALL > the characters did magical things like that. scenes would end, the > camera would pull back, and the room the scene took place in would be a > room in a dollhouse. that sort of thing. anyways, my point, if I have > one, is that sometimes little people are used in tv shows just because > they're funny to look at. > > the opposite of clowns, in other words. Please stop drawing kinky perversions of the Nolan Graph where little people and clowns meet in the center between the Communist cats and the Jewish mice. Otherwise Woody Allen will see your new Nolan Graph and say "Why am I wasting my time with simple Venn diagrams?" and recall every copy of "Without Feathers" so that he can write a different book about Socrates shoving Man around the Nolan Graph. Wait, I just looked it up and his title wasn't referring to "Man is an animal without feathers" but to some Emily Dickinson poem about how hope is a thing with wings, graceful slender things, with upswept curve and tapered tip (written back in 1996 on the Canopius planet.) Also, the Nolan Graph isn't a graph! It's just a damn rhombus! I demand at least a pie graph or food pyramid! -- K. "There are two possibilities: They are unable to respond, or they are unwilling to respond." -- so sayeth the greatest logician of all time, Commander Obvious from Planet Duh. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who knew? Date: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 03:40:11 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > [...] > > Or it could just be because the fucktoids who did the original > research couldn't tell the difference between correlation and > causation, [...] What's the difference between a fucktoid and a unitard? ...YOU WRITE THE PUNCHLINE! OR ELSE! "Or else what?" I DON'T KNOW BUT YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT YOU NONPUNCHLINETHINKINGUPTOID! YOU'RE SEVERAL OTHER TYPES OF TOID TOO! STOP BEING SO TOIDY! -- K. There are a lot of jokes where more people know the punchline than know the straight line (and always were, even before the release of "The Aristocrats") but I can only think of one joke where everyone knows the straight line and few people know the punchline. The punchline to the world's most famous orphaned straight line is, "VELL, IT COULDN'T HOIT!" So tell me the punchline to "toid" and I'll tell you the straight line to "hoit". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two "conversations" I had today Date: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 03:51:04 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > GQrivy (gayla@qrivy.net) wrote: > > > > Another interesting issue is the "words" that we use to > > imitate animal sounds, like "quack" or "meow" or "bow-wow" > > or "cock-a-doodle-doo". > > This is why singing "Old Macdonald had a farm" in foreign > languages is such a good exerise. > > Do we have any animal noises from Latin? > > Senex Macdonaldus habebat fundum, > Eee-i-ee-i-o, > Et in hoc fundum aderat bos, > Eee-i-ee-i-o, > Cum "mu-mu" hic, "mu-mu" ibi, > hic "mu", ibi "mu", ubique "mu-mu", > Senex Macdonaldus habebat fundum, > Eee-i-ee-i-o! > > Sounds too dam' Hawaiian. I don't know, I think they'd probably call it a "McLuau Burger" instead of a "Senex Macdonaldus". DO NOT TEASE THE LATIN BURGER CLOWN! Remember, he has the power to make bad people disappear, and only a corporate policy manual prevents him from using it on you. So you'd better buy a bunch of their awful hamburgers or the company will go out of business and the policy manual will cease to exist, allowing Ronald McDonald to destroy the world just like Jack Benny did at the end of that movie H.G. Wells wrote to tell people how much he hated them. Also, "Senex" was a character in that George Lucas movie with all the bald women. You know, the movie he named after that screwy sound system which requires you to purchase gold-plated speaker wires to make your speakers go faster. -- K. Menu found in an ancient McDonalds buried under 2000 years of cosmetic lava: ABEMUS INCENA PULLUM PISCEM PERNAM POISOM ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two "conversations" I had today Date: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 16:31:07 -0400 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Also, I like that "avocado green" had to be rebranded "wasabi green" to > fit the go-go modern lifestyle, especially since Kibo says wasabi isn't > green. Gosh, if someday I can annoy somebody by complimenting their > avocado green decor, then I can die happy. The only problem is that > dying happy conflicts with my plan to die like the purple twins from > Gormenghast. Huh? I never said wasabi isn't green. It's not avocado green, but it is sort of barely green. If it looks _really_ green, you know it's artificial wasabi with lots of green dye and/or algae added to beige horseradish. Real wasabi is a very pale green, sort of like if Michael Jackson were a vegetable. Anyway, when you're at the sushi bar and they give you wasabi that's avocado green, yell "THIS ISN'T WASABI! YOU HAVE DISHONORED ME AND MY FELLOW YAKUZA!" in fluent Japanese, then have a big swordfight. I bet if you tried feeding Kakihara anything that was avocado green, you'd wake up with your intestines and your eyeballs switched. He'd only eat raw fish, raw beef, and raw pork topped with real wasabi and eight kinds of hot sauce. Mmm, hot sauce. -- K. P.S.: Michael Jackson is not a vegetable... but check again next week. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two "conversations" I had today Date: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 16:50:33 -0400 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S.: Michael Jackson is not a vegetable... but check again next week. > > POST EEG RESLUTS OR RETRACT!1!!!!! Okay, fine. Here's Michael Jackson's electroencephalogram: - <-- WORLD'S TINIEST ASCII PENIS I heard that last time he had plastic surgery, he had his testicles replaced with gumdrops. -- K. That's a lie. He never had testicles. However, scientists have yet to determine whether that's a belly button or a mangina. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Backhanded hair color compliment #x. <-- INSERT LARGE NUMBER HERE Date: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 04:34:46 -0400 So I'm at the mall. Female senior citizen is waiting outside a store while her husband shops inside. She sees me and is obviously struck by the fact that my beard is fluorescent orange, says that she's never seen such, and asks me to take off my hat so she can see more of it. Apparently being part of a two-person team who travel around without ever encountering dyed hair, she calls her husband out of the store to come see my hair. Then she asks me what any trial lawyer would consider a leading question: "Do you have a girlfriend?" Innocently, I answer, "No." She says, "I can understand why." Oh! An unwarranted light zinger! So I smile and say, "But my BOYFRIENDS seem to like it." With an emphasis on the "S" just to make her extra-embarrassed -- gramma's grammar got both the gender and number of the noun wrong. I don't have "boyfriends", or even "boyfriend", but I had to say it just to get that loooook to cross her face. You know, the "Uh oh, I made a faux pas in front of the freakishly scary juvenile delinquent" face. I think she was worried I was about to yell whatever the equivalent of "SMEGGIN' 'SEX PISTOLS', OY!" would be in her pristine brain. (Probably something about only liking four of the Dionne Quintuplets.) Also, earlier, none of the employees in the Lego store commented on the fact that I was wearing a T-shirt with a DOUBLY UNLICENSED PORTRAYAL of Lego Darth Vader having just cut off Princess Leia's head which is sitting in a large pool of primary red blood not authorized by either the factory that makes Legos or the factory that makes "Star Wars". (I also wanted to get the companion shirt that had two stormtroopers that just killed C3PO, but they were out of my size. Pity, because I think C3PO's head is funnier than Princess Leia's head, even if only one of them gets to have a pool of blood.) I assume the nice old lady who made a big deal about having never seen orange hair before wouldn't have known what a Lego Darth Vader was even if she had seen my shirt instead of being distracted by my dangerous hair. I only take my hat off for the people who may react positively, or at least in a manner which might fill up space in one of these articles. Hey, want to hear what I had for dinner? -- K. It came in a box. Or can or something. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: is this a hacker or is this a snag in Internet Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 05:49:32 -0400 In news.admin.net-abuse.misc, sci.physics, and sci.math Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > John, I think they should outlaw any form of Internet activity that > takes time out of users. Um, Archie? That would be all of it. > [...] > > I do not know if Macromedia is a unit of Microsoft or of Yahoo or > whether it is a self independent company in its own right. What sort of stock market genius did you say you were? > [...] > > Also, another question, John, some websites do not allow me to go back > but keep me stuck in their website, so that I have to close out the > entire browser and start over anew in a search. Why is it that some > websites keep the searcher stuck, unable to go backwards? There should > be a law also that prohibits this rigging of a website that forces the > user to abort the browser completely. Oh no, Arch, you're now going to have to go to jail. Abortions are illegal in your home state, although I'm not sure what the name of your home state is back on your home planet. -- K. Have you considered saving a lot of time by just removing the Internet from your computer with a sledgehammer? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An impressive range of Santas Date: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 16:22:48 -0400 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > We checked out the Christmas section of our local department store > last Sunday. What an impressive range of animatronic Santas awaited! Run away! They're controlled by the Autons or the Daleks or the Cybermen or worse, Rankin-Bass! > My favourite was one whose lower jaw opened and closed quite rapidly > accompanied by a poor quality recording of "The Night Before > Christmas" which was masterfully out of sync with the jaw. The whole > thing was rendered almost not-at-all lifelike by the eyes, which > blinked every now and then. Life-size, assuming Santa is a midget, it > came with an inflatable armchair. NICK BENSEMA IS SANTA??? > The runner up was one which hammered away aimlessly at a piece of wood > while constantly shaking his head. Who wouldn't love an autistic Santa > to brighten his or her home? No one, I'm sure. He's not autistic. It's just that the wood had been very naughty. > Third place went to the Santa who inquired "are you ready for this?" > before rotating and gyrating his buttocks, accompanied by a tinny > rendition of the 2 Unlimited song of the same, or similar, name. > Outrageous! I would have bought one, except they were total shit. Oh, you could say that about anything. Except that $300 Lego Death Star model. I would have bought one, except it was slightly less cool than having $300 would be. It's not total shit, it's just a total waste of money on something that looks way cool. > Sadly, there were no Austin Powers Santas, who would say stuff like > "have a shagadelic Christmas, baby!" and so I lost my bet, but I'm > pretty sure I won't be disappointed next year. I'm also tipping a > Santa that dances to Achy Breaky Heart while repeatedly dropping his > pants. You could just get one of those Ronald McDonalds who keeps dropping his clown pants and pretend he's the real Santa instead of just an imaginary clown pervert. Besides, you forgot to mention the Lord Of The Rings Santa or Jar Jar Santa. Jar Jar Santa's the best at being whatever Jar Jar is supposed to be. Wait... what's the reason Jar Jar exists? Oh, yeah, because regular whoopee cushions can't follow you around. -- K. Did you hear they're making a sequel to "Star Wars: Episode III"? I heard this new movie, tentatively titled "Star Wars: Episode IV", only features about ten minutes of Jar-Jar breakdancing with the Ewoks and Santa's space elves. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come? Date: Mon, 17 Oct 2005 17:33:53 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Did you hear they're making a sequel to "Star Wars: Episode III"? > > I heard this new movie, tentatively titled "Star Wars: Episode IV", > > only features about ten minutes of Jar-Jar breakdancing with the > > Ewoks and Santa's space elves. > > Remember the bar scene at the beginning of the first > movie where there is umpteen various life forms? Yeah, but they're much more prominently featured in "The Star Wars Holiday Special", where each one gets his own close-up, each is referred to by name, and they all fear the terrifying wrath of Bea Arthur. > How come you only see the occasional Wookie, Ewok, > or Hut? They made it seem like all sorts of aliens > were traveling about. Or was that one bar some > proverbial galactic hopping place? In a galaxy that > is dominated by humanoids, why so many alien types > in one place? Are there alien gay bars? Make that idea about 59 minutes longer and you'll have the premiere episode of "The Richard Pryor Show". All you have to do it make Richard Pryor be not funny, then put him in a "Star Wars" gay bar, and you've re-created that entire show. Assuming it actually existed and wasn't just a nightmare I had after drinking an entire bottle of bleach to become too white to appreciate the subtle humor of that show. I miss the days when Richard Pyror was funny, before he started appearing on TV and in movies. > If Leia had a crush on Chewbacca...ick. Retracted. That's what _she_ said. Ever wonder why Wookiees don't need to wear clothes? 'Cause it's retractable. > It annoys me when movies use cheap thrills that do > not make sense. If they can put force fields around > ships, why not personal versions? Because then Jar Jar couldn't die. > Why is Imperial armor useless against standard weapons? Because shiny white plastic armor looks so cool. > Why do they use radios, Because iPods are forbidden by the evil Empire. > or what is the purpose of those high tech helmets? Because shiny white plastic armor looks so cool. Especially on an iPod. > Why can't Luke use light sabers to cut holes > in walls when trying to escape? Because light sabers are programmed to only cut through flesh, for safety reasons. Darth Vader didn't even wrinkle Obi-Wan Kenobi's clothes when he vaporized him. > Does the Imperial army ever bother with target practice? Because they don't need to, as they know that even if they blow up an X-Wing pilot he'll still appear in later scenes. > Did you ever get the urge to punch an Ewok? No, because I'm too tall to be able to reach them. > How come no robotic warriors? Because Harlan Ellison would sue and they'd have to paste his name into the closing credits in a slightly different font from everyone else. Other questions you may want to ask an expert "Star Wars"ologist: Why are robots programmed to be so gay? Why does Darth Vader wear a cape when there's no wind to make it ripple in outer space? Why can Jawas see even though their eyeballs are blocked by those flashlight bulbs? Why did they go to all the trouble of filming some of the Tatooine scenes on location on a planet with two suns but other scenes are on a soundstage that probably wasn't even real? Why are there so many Nazis in outer space? Why do we have this movie that supposedly is a documentary that took place "a long time ago" when film stock doesn't last that long? Anyway, I'm sorry for proving that you're not bright enough to understand "Star Wars" the way I do. Now step aside, I have to make a safety film about how you should always run while carrying your lightsaber with the blade pointed up, not down. > I had to put down an Asimov short story once. A guy > two hundred years in the future pulled out his portable > microfiche reader... So are you saying that 200 years from now, microfiche readers will still be enormous? Just for that I won't send you a copy of my archived articles when they're all published on one Norsam HD-ROM. You'll have nothing to read through your common household electron microscope. -- K. Why does that first spaceship have pails glued to it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Gee, guess who killed Charlie Rocket? Date: Wed, 19 Oct 2005 19:49:26 -0400 [I've been trying to post this for the past four days, but the server hasn't been cooperating, and no new articles are arriving so I can't tell if anyone else has written exactly the same article right down to the gratuitous use of the word "chintastic".] Gee, guess who killed Charlie Rocket? It's a trick question. It was suicide! He apparently chose to slit his own throat in the middle of a pretty field. Not a bad way to go, except for the throat-slitting part. Anyway, now guess who was the last person to mention Charlie Rocket on alt.religion.kibology before he died. I'll give you a hint: THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS ME. My penultimate mention of Charlie Rocket carried an eerie foreshadowing of the fact that the A.R.K Death Ray was about to zap him. /////////// TWO RE-RUNS FOLLOW ////////////////////////////////////////////// Subject: Re: Technical and other very important questions From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sat, 19 Jun 2004 00:06:54 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I've have some images on a CD. Some are jpg,some are in pdf format. > I've been trying unsuccessfully now,for what seems like forever tonight, > to save one of the pdf files into a jpeg file. > How do I do it? Can it even be done? Am I wasting my time? Why isn't > it working for me? If they're PDFs written by Photoshop, then Photoshop can probably open then. If they were written by something else, open them in Acrobat Reader and make screendumps. There are weird little tools for taking apart PDFs object-by-object to get at the data inside, but they're not for the faint of heart. > Why is it so freaking hot outside? It's been pretty nice here lately. T-shirt weather by day, leather weather by night. > Why doesn't anyone know Kibo's real hair color? Brownish-black. But it shall never be seen again. Choosing your own color rules! Also, brownish-black clashes with all my new clothes. > Do these pants make my butt look too big? I tried to E-mail you the answer, but it bounced, so I'll have to tell you in public: Sorry, I can't tell if your butt looks big while my view is blocked -- you'll have to move those two beanbag chairs. > Thanks.I'm done venting now. If those pants make your butt do that, they're definitely too tight. -- K. Note how I avoided mentioning Charlie Rocket by name. /////////// ONE MORE RE-RUN FOLLOWS ///////////////////////////////////////// Subject: Re: Movie listings From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 15:09:06 -0500 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But the twist ending can only be one of (a) the unkillable bad guys > > dissolve in tap water or (b) the idiot and the painting are actually > > two personalities of the same crazy person or (c) it was all a > > really crappy dream or (d) there's a big dance number and some bloopers. > > Unless it's a "Space: 1999" episode, in which case the twist ending > > is always (e) the swirly blob goes away for no reason. > > "We don't have enough in the budget for any more swirly blob footage > for this episode" is a PERFECTLY VALID reason [...] The reason for that budget shortfall was that in a previous episode, Martin Landau and Barbara Bain had met an actor playing Rudyard Kipling, and he read them this poem he'd just written about Jar-Jar Binks, but then Mr. Kipling's widow saw the episode and demanded that the "Kipling" character be removed, so they had to redo the episode with a new swirly blob covering up Imitation Rudyard Kipling. That infamous version of "Gunga Din" (1939) just got released on DVD (probably due to a halo effect of the "Star Wars" prequels) but I'm not going to bother watching it just to find out if the mysterious sloppy erasure of A Guy Dressed Like Rudyard Kipling is or isn't included, because I know that version of the movie doesn't have anything else I'd be interested in, such as Martin Landau being molested by a giant swirling blob. ("The Entity" was a disappointing movie, since Martin Landau killed the giant invisible gas blob that was raping women before it could make him its bitch. Or was that "The Being"? I never can remember all the details of the part of his career that "Space: 1999" ruined. Wait, he wasn't even in "The Entity" at all. But it did have the only member of Saturday Night Live's original "Not Ready For Prime Time Players" to have been erased from the historical record, possibly explaining why he later helped defend Max Headroom from the evil Charlie Rocket.) -- K. So, who here likes Jar-Jar? /////////// I TYPED A BUNCH OF SLASHES TO INDICATE THE RERUNS ENDED ///////// Anyway, he'll forever be remembered as the man who had the guts to get "Saturday Night Live" cancelled the first time it needed to be cancelled. Also for being in "Max Headroom", "Earth Girls Are Easy", "Dances With Wolves", "Dumb And Dumber", and the "Leather Weather" sketch. I still have a theory that NBC planned to move him and Jay Leno into the same time slot so they could call the combined show "Twin Chins". "It's Chintastic!" Then the second season they'd kick it up a notch by adding a new cast member and calling it "Chin, Chin, And Chimp". You know how when you tune into an episode of "I Love Lucy", you get an eerie feeling because you know all the actors are dead? Well, of the one thousand, three hundred fifty-eight people who have been cast members of "Saturday Night Live", nine are still alive. And the nine that are still alive are less funny than any one corpse. In fact, I just snorted a handful of Michael O'Donoghue's ashes, and yeah, they're a lot funnier than anything done by that woman whose characters are all just her yelling really loud. I'd rather listen to Andy Kaufman's corpse sitting next to a copy of "The Great Gatsby" for all eternity than watch any recent episode of "Saturday Night Live". Maybe Charlie Rocket killed himself because he realized that neither he nor anyone else could give "Saturday Night Live" the mercy killing it so desperately needs. The show is cancel-proof because it's been on for so long that now nobody remembers it's on. Every TV executive simply assumes there must be an infomercial or something in that 11:30 to 1am Sunday morning slot. -- K. I'm just glad they're still making new episodes of "Mr. Show". Too bad you can't see them because only I have the magical invisible TV where I can see a new episode of "Mr. Show" whenever I squint really hard. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New band name Date: Thu, 20 Oct 2005 01:49:43 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > We share restrooms with a bunch of unhygenic bozos - okay, make that > two band names - I picture a group of musicians in soiled blue clown > suits, puffy red hair in disarray, moldy red noses and bald-head > covers that are wrinkled, dirty and ill-fitting. > > Anyway, apparently someone has figured out there is nothing like > pissing on *top* of the urinal (hmmm - song title), and the same > filthy folks blithely leave without washing their hands, witnesses > or no. > > Then there is the guy who leaves hairy butt dust (band name) on the > toilet seat. It's enough to make you want to walk out onto the golf > course adjoining our office, and do the dirty deed in the sandtrap > (hmmm - another song title) > > And if *all that* wasn't enough to turn your stomach, there is a > seat-cover dispenser in one stall, five feet up from the toilet. This > morning, some ill-begotten jackass (make that three band names) has > seen fit to pee up the wall, and to soak the seat-covers. Oh, and to > clog the other toilet with this morning's sports page... Well, that's what you get for being a waiter at the sports-bar "cafe'" that everyone knows is really just a Chuck E. Cheese with hard liquor. Unless instead you work at Dick's Last Resort, in which case, I apologize. I am very sorry that you work at Dick's Last Resort. So who died and made you toilet inspector? If you don't like the restrooms, you can go in the sandtrap like a good little kitty. Just remember, when you hear someone yell "Fore!", that's not a request for you to do Number Four. As far as the clowns' dirty bald caps go, you really don't want to know what's under the bozos' bald caps. There might be flat turds under there. Anyway, soon the people of the nation will come to their senses and realize there should be video cameras hidden in _every_ restroom. -- K. Except at White Castle. Nobody wants to see what White Castle customers have to do. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Its too late baby, now, its too late Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 02:36:05 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I'm a passive environmentalist. Because, like, duh. > It saves me time and money. I have a lot of lawn so > I only cut it every 2-4 weeks depending on the amount > of rainfall. You can't, like, _have_ a lawn, man, lawns are free! That's why I don't even try to own a lawn. Plus it would look funny if it were hovering outside my seventh-floor window with people able to look up and see all those gnarly roots in the sky. Unless my floating lawn was an evil floating lawn that would come down on people and eat them like a Lurker Above from "Dungeons & Dragons", 'cause it could 'cause the Monster Manual doesn't say anything about the Lurker Aboves not being made of grass, man. Maybe that's why they float so hiiiiiiiiiiiigh and like wow now I'm pretending I think my hands are more interesting than they are because drug-humor is the easiest cliche' to write especially if you're sober, which I always am, so I win. QED, I have demolished your whole argument. > If the US ever experiences another swarm of locusts, you can > blame it on me. I haven't had any swarms of ladybugs here in a few years. Who should I blame for the way ladybugs used to invade my apartment? That weird butch ladybug guy from the Bugaloos? And what was the deal with him, anyway? What was his backstory? Was he just strolling through Cockneytown saying to himself, "Oi, I don't know whether I should become a yob, a chav, or a skinhead... Oi, I got it, I'll become a ladybug just so I can beat the marmalade out o' anyone who makes fun o' me for bein' a ladybug!"? But still it was the best TV series ever to be based on "The Cyberiad". Stanislaw Lem must have been so proud to see Klapaucius and Trurl brought to life through the miracle of foam rubber Halloween costumes. SQUISHY ROBOTS ARE FUNNIER THAN POINTY ROBOTS! -- K. Quick, someone tell Japan. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I remember when... Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 02:43:58 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > OK, speaking of Tang: What was that supposedly NASA-approved astronaut > > treat, available in chocolate, chocolate and butterscotch, which looked > > like Silly Putty(tm) rolled into a small rod? > > Food Sticks? Space Food? Can't remember, but I liked it a lot. (And looking > back I probably wouldn't like it as much now.) Pillsbury Space Food Sticks. They came in chocolate and a sort of chocolate-peanut-butter blend that tasted even more like cardboard than the chocolate ones did, if I recall correctly, having eaten many of them long ago before I moved onto the harder stuff -- Tootsie Rolls. Especially year-old Tootsie Rolls. Space Food Sticks were just Tootsie Rolls with more sawdust in the mix. I recall that the Space Food Sticks had little notches along them so you could divide them up in order to learn how many ones make a ten if you're in a Montessori school. But what I actually miss is the Reggie Bar. Ah, the kids today, with their Flutie Flakes and their Urkel-O's, they don't know how good life was back when we had the Reggie Bar. Any candy bar that came in a square package is better than any candy that comes in a candy-bar-shaped package. Even if it's one of those sickening Russell Stover nougat patties they only sell in department stores at Easter. Hey, remember what a department store was? -- K. They were like malls, except teenagers didn't inexplicably consider them cool. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I remember when... Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 20:20:17 -0400 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Space Food Sticks were just Tootsie Rolls with more sawdust in the mix. > > What I like is how you, I, perhaps countless others, insisted on eating > these things in spite of the fact that they were absolutely, > irredeemably horrible. That's 'cause we were kids, and kids have no sense of taste. Or smell. Or texture. Or color. I _dare_ you to try eating SpaghettiOs as an adult. They're unbelievably vile. The generic imitations are even worse (their "tomato sauce" is a runny yellow-orange instead of just a runny orange color.) And all SpaghettiOs-like products are loaded with so much sugar that they're like Froot Loops from the planet Slimey. They're too small to be worth chewing, and they slide down your throat like a greased chimp on a Slip'n'Slide. > I mean, seriously, get some modeling clay, squeeze it through one of > those Play-D'oh shaping screens, sprinkle a little sugar on it, and it > would probably taste at least as good as, if not better. Modeling clay would taste bad. Now, Play-Doh, that's a delicious food product. It's just flour plus salt plus alum plus kerosene, all of which are common food ingredients. (Kerosene is the secret ingredient in supermarket egg nog.) > > I recall that the Space Food Sticks had little notches along them > > so you could divide them up in order to learn how many ones make a > > ten if you're in a Montessori school. > > And here I thought that the notches helped firm up your grip on the > stick -- you know, in case you suddenly encountered a pocket of non-gravity. Non-gravity doesn't come in pockets! It... wait, I gotta get the door. "Kontext-Away, Sir." Um, I think I'm going to bail on that paragraph. Kontext-Away's already busy tying it up with string. > > [Reggie Bar tribute] > > As a Red Sox fan, I could not, in good conscience, purchase or even > sample a Reggie Bar. Unless you're drunk, in which case you'll run around the Reggie Bar telling all the Reggies that you're not a Reggie but you want to make out with them anyway. -- K. I'll make a deal: If you eat a whole can of SpaghettiOs, I'll eat a Reggie Bar. Hey, while cleaning my apartment this morning, I found several packets of retired Kool-Aid flavors from the 1990s. HOORAY! I'M RICH! I CAN EXPLOIT THE GOOD PEOPLE OF X-ENTERTAINMENT! So don't think I won't find an old Reggie Bar somewhere. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Big Savings on Furniture ( Special NRI Collection ) Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 03:12:37 -0400 Three times (so far) leedesignsindia@gmail.com has posted to alt.religion.kibology: > > Dear Sir/Madam, > > Better Home are major manufacturer, exporters and distributors of > quality Wrought Iron, boring > Imported Iron, boring > Sankheda, boring > Oxodise, boring and misspelled > Cane, boring > Stone, boring > Swings, kinky! > Office Furniture, boring even by the standards of furniture > and Wooden Furniture in India. Better Home offers a large array > of products ranging from Dining, Bedroom and Office Furniture. Naah, I already decided to equip my mansion with nothing but used subway seats. I can probably get a good deal on those really old Red Line benches that ran the length of the train and were completely frictionless so that everyone slid to the front of the car whenever a homeless guy shorted out the third rail. > We have special collection of all kinds of furniture for NRI's. Sorry, but my Robot isn't a "Henry" series. It's an ancient "Ellie", the original LE-01 model. The one with the mechanical typewriter for a head and the feet only have non-inline roller skates on them. > For more Details, please visit out website : > http://www.betterhomeindia.com I did, and yout graphic design is worse than shoving a sout lemon up your nose every hout. Shut up and pout me some liquot. Also, next year, you should consider getting a smaller Christmas tree so it won't stick up through the roof. > This is one time email. Stop trying to confuse my Ellie by lying to it. That only works on "Star Trek". This is a one-time "Star Trek" reference. > Unsubscribe information : please reply with the word "Remove" in > subject line to unsubscribe from our mailing list. Stop trying to confuse my Ellie by lying to it. That only works on "Star Trek". This is a one-time "Star Trek" reference. > Best Regards > Better Home India > Ahmedabad, Gujarat, India > +91-79-26765900 - 26751100 > +91-9824065564 Those numbers don't add up. Stop trying to confuse my Ellie by lying to it. That only works on "Star Trek". This is a one-time "Star Trek" reference. Also, I make it a rule never to buy anything from spammers who don't understand that furniture is the household product someone is least likely to order unseen from a place where the shipping charges on a desk would be larger than that country's whole gross national product. So what is a "Better Home India"? A hut where only two of the walls are made from dried cow dung? -- K. "Mommy, mommy, why does my bedroom sound like a bell?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's bedbug inspection day! Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 11:37:28 -0400 I just had my apartment inspected for bedbugs by three people who had three different opinions on whether or not it would be possible for bedbugs to be living in my plain, airtight, all-synthetic vinyl air mattress. I assured them I would know if I were being bitten by large bugs all night. I like that it took three people to look for the fairly sizable but nonexistent bugs. Anyway, be on the lookout for The Bedbug Squad. Soon to be a major TV series from the producers of NBC's "seaQuest DSV". With Danny DeVito as the voice of the imaginary bedbug! And very special guest star Sally Struthers as the voice of the overinflated air mattress! -- K. The only reason I'm posting this is so that I can say: I JUST SENT YOU THE BEDBUG LETTER! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's bedbug inspection day! Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 14:45:42 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just had my apartment inspected for bedbugs by three people [...] > > > > Anyway, be on the lookout for The Bedbug Squad. > > Ah, that 'splains why my landlord's daughter-in-law phoned me this > morning, utterly unexpectedly (especially because she no longer > handles his landlording business), and instructed me to make an > appointment with the local pest control business for the annual > pesticide-spraying of my abode. The search of the underside of my couch was preceded by a packet of Xeroxes of magazines articles about THE HORROR! OF BED! BUGS! So I'm guessing some apartment building staffer freaked out after reading an article on icky bugs and decided to send a team to look into this problem which must be real or they wouldn't put it in a magazine right next to the ads for candy bars for women only captioned "How does your snack complete you?" So maybe your landlord reads the same magazines. Do you also receive a four-page-long "newsletter" from the management containing the first paragraphs of "Grit" articles and placemat-quality brain-teasers that couldn't even stump Hojo The Clown? I'm not sure how many apartment complexes CustomMedia LLC slightly customizes this waste of paper for, but it never contains anything even remotely resembling information, entertainment, or good graphic design. I always like the calendar on the back page. Every month has the same two holidays, "RENT DUE" and "RENT LATE". "RENT LATE" is like Lent except with more of the same letters. I'm not sure what "RENT DUE" is unless it's the sequel to a Broadway musical. Oh, also, they've decided that we're no longer allowed to use the laundry room after 10pm. Apparently people were being kept awake by the loud noise of the laundry room's rickety exhaust system. It sounds like what you'd get if you attached a hamster wheel to a Snoopy Snow-Cone Machine surrounded by hundreds of megaphones. -- K. Still, at least lately the Postal Service has only snapped about half of my Netflix discs in half to get them into my little mailbox. They should consider shipping them in packaging that isn't made from leftover 1970's credit-card slips. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New hurricane names! Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 12:57:57 -0400 I just got my hands on the INCREDIBLY SUPER-SECRET list maintained by the government agency that plans the weather in advance, and now I know the names of all the hurricanes that are being created for the 2006 hurricane season! And here they are! -> Alberto It's the hurricane that drenches you which cheap shampoo! -> Beryl Because "Tourmaline" would be too hard for weathermen to spell. Also it would be racist because of watermelon tourmaline. -> Chris This would be a gender-neutral hurricane name if I didn't already know that the laws of genetics say that hurricane names go boy-girl-boy-girl in even-numbered years. -> Debby It's the hurricane that pelts you with wax-covered hexagons that taste like sweetened mud! -> Ernesto The most ernest hurricane ever! And remember, in 2006, hurricane names go muchacho-girl-boy-girl-muchacho! -> Florence The first hurricane with Wessonality! -> Gordon Wait, "Sesame Street" had multiple Gordons. Does this mean that halfway through the storm, the government weather-control bureau will secretly replace Hurricane Gordon with a different, bald hurricane? -> Helene It was originally intended to be "Hurricane Helena", but that would have led to extra devastation caused by a flood of "Space: 1999" fanfic. -> Isaac It's the hurricane that pelts you with hundreds of books about sassy robots and allegedly smutty limericks that even a sassy robot wouldn't find smutty! -> Joyce All weather reports will begin with "riverrun the." Or end with it. Or something. Nobody will be able to figure out what, except for Lieutenant Uhura in that one James Blish novel. -> Kirk HEY! I ALREADY MADE THE "STAR TREK" REFERENCE! DON'T EVER COME IN LATE ON A REFERENCE AGAIN, YOU HAIRPIECICANE! -> Leslie Another gender-ambiguous name which was placed after a male name to disambiguate it and reassure us that the country wouldn't be assaulted by a giant whirling Leslie Nielsen. "So my gun won't fire because the Foley guy's asleep, eh? Well then, I'll just kick you in the crotch until you're dead!" -> Michael Shut up, KITT. -> Nadine It's the hurricane that's half sardine, and half nad! Formerly known as "Scrotchovy". -> Oscar AND I ALREADY MADE THE "SESAME STREET" REFERENCE! DON'T MAKE ME STRANGLE YOU BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BREAK CARROLL SPINNEY'S WRIST! -> Patty I'd rather have a White Castle than a Hurricane Patty. -> Rafael How come there are all these Hispanic names? This is racist because hurricanes are evil but Hispanic people usually aren't. Hurricanes should only be named after evil ethnicities, like German and Redneck. -> Sandy This one's gonna lead to another one of those "South Park" episodes that writes itself. "Look out! That hurricane's got sand in its vagina!" -> Tony Well, at least if it hits New York City it'll pick up all the cigar butts Hurricane Klugman left in the street. There was a Hurricane Klugman, right? If not, cancel my subscription! -> Valerie Eh. I got nothin', since I don't even know who Valerie Bertinelli is. -> William Who struck more terror in the hearts of his enemies -- William The Conquerer or William The Moistener? -- K. Seriously, wouldn't "Tourmaline" be a great name for something that's not a mineral? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New hurricane names! Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 20:09:16 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Seriously, wouldn't "Tourmaline" be a great name for something that's > > not a mineral? > > Like a ridiculously expensive bike with lace on it? But it's easier to spell "Gold Wing". I was thinking "Tourmaline" should be something like the first heavy-metal band to have 15,000 members, so that in the concert venue they have to be where the audience should be, and then the extremely small audience has to stay on the stage, and everything's all backwards (because of Satan.) -- K. They'd play piezoelectric guitars. Instead of strumming them, they'd just bend them. You could watch the concert through Polaroid sunglasses to see all the psychedelic colors inside the guitars. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Font check! Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 20:30:25 -0400 +------------------+ If this rectangle is wider than it is tall, | | wait behind the red line. | | | | If this rectangle is taller than it is wide, | | wait behind the blue line. | | | | If it is a perfect square, you're coming with | | me on a secret mission that shall bring us +------------------+ boundless fame, fortune, and free ninja hoods. -- K. That was a trick question. It's actually a circle. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: So what movies made you upgrade to DVD? Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 21:37:22 -0400 Here's a question for the group: What were the first movies you bought on DVD? For me it was the widescreen "Yellow Submarine" and the three-disc Criterion "Brazil" that made me get a DVD player back then. I think the other first real movies I got were "The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr. T" and -- this is the embarrassing one -- the limited-edition two-disc director's cut of the craptacular "Supergirl". (I also bought one of those seven-dollar dumpware discs of two bad transfers of antique movies, but that was just so I could test whether my computer could play DVDs before buying any good movies.) Anyway, "Yellow Submarine" and "Brazil" were what made me decide to get a DVD drive for my computer. I believe the first DVDs I rented were "Titus" (Andronicus, the Taymor version), "Fight Club" (two-disc), "Pulp Fiction" (had seen it before, but the DVD release had extras), and the Criterion "Robocop" (hadn't seen it letterboxed.) Two of those kept making my computer's DVD player lock up so that's when I bought an actual Sony DVD player instead of the incredibly fragile Apple thing controlled by a silver beach ball that caused the movie to pause for fifteen seconds whenever I showed or hid the silver beach ball that covered a quarter of the screen. (Apple has issued a long series of different fragile software DVD players, but that was the one from the year when Apple decided that all their products had to look like circles, such as that horrible mouse no human could use.) I was really mad that "Titus" kept locking up right before the first disemboweling. So "Yellow Submarine" and "Brazil" and "Titus" were what made me get a DVD player. Oh, and bootlegs of first-season "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" in DivX format were what made me get one of those lousy throwaway Philips players as an emergency backup player (my Sony is much nicer, but the Philips one supports DivX and doesn't have any interest in things like region-codes -- Sony is the one manufacturer that really tries to enforce all the region-coding stuff, because they own a movie studio.) I just thought I'd put the question out there of which movies were compelling enough to make you have to upgrade from VHS to DVD. Also, I'm getting rid of most of my VHS tapes -- hundreds of cheap obscurities that will probably never be released on DVD -- so if anyone in the Boston area wants some boxes of really weird old tapes, let me know. It's time to part with Larry "Bud" Melman's "The Couch Potato Workout". -- K. All too late I realized the advantages of a medium which takes up less space for the bad movies contained therein. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New old shirt Date: Sat, 22 Oct 2005 12:06:27 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I went to a store called "Fat Helens" that had a lot of old shirts, tacky > ornaments and 80's WWF wrestling figurines. There is no such thing as a non-tacky ornament, if you are of the official Bauhaus mentality. > It was a choice between the Shell Holden Peter Brock shirt or the cowboy > one, I chose the cowboy one in the end. It has fake leather and braiding on > it. A lot of muscians wear these sorts of shorts as they have to move > around a lot on stage like the cowboys did when rounding up cattle. I agree, five of the Village People couldn't dance. By the way, real musicians know that fake leather is for poseurs. If you're going to wear a Halloween outfit on stage, it better look real, and not like something from the K-Mart clearance bin. Would you respect a death metal band that wore pantyhose spray-painted red instead of real spandex? Then why settle for fake leather trim on your complete cowboy outfit? Of course, I know you're not really a musician, but we'll look the other way if you want to buy more leather shorts. We'll even look the other way when you use the words "I chose the cowboy one in the end." in a sentence, adjacent to something about leather shorts. Sheesh, this newsgroup is overrun with Village People wannabes. I'll tell you what I tell all the others: If you want to join the secret Village People re-enactment club, first you have to learn to not be able to sing, then you have to learn to not be able to dance, then you have to practice wearing the costume 24 hours a day. Also you have to learn all the lyrics to some really cheesy disco songs even if the only lyric you'll have to sing is "Yeah!". You have to be willing to do covers of "Celebration", and eventually be replaced by people who used to play the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. You have to pretend nobody can figure out that none of the six of you can play an instrument while the Indian dances and the cop sings and the other four of you sort of move back and forth and say "Yeah!" I assume you got to be the cowboy because of your hideous facial bone structure. Jack Morali probably told you, "Kid, you got a scary face, so put on this cowboy outfit and I'll make you as big as any one of the Monkees were if there were six of them and they kept getting replaced by others!" Either that or you took it the wrong way when someone yelled "YOU'RE RANDY!" Can you get me Steve Guttenberg's autograph? -- K. Good thing you passed up that Bill Holden Brock Peters shirt, or you'd have to set your nose on fire while decommissioning the Enterprise. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New old shirt Date: Sat, 22 Oct 2005 12:30:48 -0400 [on purchase of a Western shirt with leather trim] Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > And here's a picture(s)! > http://photos.timchuma.com/myself/newshirt221005_small.jpg > http://photos.timchuma.com/myself/newshirt221005_2_small.jpg Let me be the first to say: "IT'S PAT!" I assume you already know that one of the writers of "It's Pat!: The Movie" is best known for playing the leatherslave in "Pulp Fiction". Come on, you need to make up your mind whether you want people to yell "IT'S PAT!", "Bring out the Gimp!", or "Y-M-C-A!" at you on the street. Unless you can achieve a trifecta by finding a way to get the Village People to sing "...it's time for androgyny, here comes Pat!" to the tune of "Surfari Wipeout" while dancing the Batusi. And that's too weird to even think about. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! It's okay if you want to re-enact that imaginary event, but please do it without thinking about it so much. By the way, do you know what the technical term is for that braided leather lace on your shirt? Hint: It rhymes with "smimp" and it's in the diction