From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Its too late baby, now, its too late Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 02:36:05 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I'm a passive environmentalist. Because, like, duh. > It saves me time and money. I have a lot of lawn so > I only cut it every 2-4 weeks depending on the amount > of rainfall. You can't, like, _have_ a lawn, man, lawns are free! That's why I don't even try to own a lawn. Plus it would look funny if it were hovering outside my seventh-floor window with people able to look up and see all those gnarly roots in the sky. Unless my floating lawn was an evil floating lawn that would come down on people and eat them like a Lurker Above from "Dungeons & Dragons", 'cause it could 'cause the Monster Manual doesn't say anything about the Lurker Aboves not being made of grass, man. Maybe that's why they float so hiiiiiiiiiiiigh and like wow now I'm pretending I think my hands are more interesting than they are because drug-humor is the easiest cliche' to write especially if you're sober, which I always am, so I win. QED, I have demolished your whole argument. > If the US ever experiences another swarm of locusts, you can > blame it on me. I haven't had any swarms of ladybugs here in a few years. Who should I blame for the way ladybugs used to invade my apartment? That weird butch ladybug guy from the Bugaloos? And what was the deal with him, anyway? What was his backstory? Was he just strolling through Cockneytown saying to himself, "Oi, I don't know whether I should become a yob, a chav, or a skinhead... Oi, I got it, I'll become a ladybug just so I can beat the marmalade out o' anyone who makes fun o' me for bein' a ladybug!"? But still it was the best TV series ever to be based on "The Cyberiad". Stanislaw Lem must have been so proud to see Klapaucius and Trurl brought to life through the miracle of foam rubber Halloween costumes. SQUISHY ROBOTS ARE FUNNIER THAN POINTY ROBOTS! -- K. Quick, someone tell Japan. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I remember when... Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 02:43:58 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > OK, speaking of Tang: What was that supposedly NASA-approved astronaut > > treat, available in chocolate, chocolate and butterscotch, which looked > > like Silly Putty(tm) rolled into a small rod? > > Food Sticks? Space Food? Can't remember, but I liked it a lot. (And looking > back I probably wouldn't like it as much now.) Pillsbury Space Food Sticks. They came in chocolate and a sort of chocolate-peanut-butter blend that tasted even more like cardboard than the chocolate ones did, if I recall correctly, having eaten many of them long ago before I moved onto the harder stuff -- Tootsie Rolls. Especially year-old Tootsie Rolls. Space Food Sticks were just Tootsie Rolls with more sawdust in the mix. I recall that the Space Food Sticks had little notches along them so you could divide them up in order to learn how many ones make a ten if you're in a Montessori school. But what I actually miss is the Reggie Bar. Ah, the kids today, with their Flutie Flakes and their Urkel-O's, they don't know how good life was back when we had the Reggie Bar. Any candy bar that came in a square package is better than any candy that comes in a candy-bar-shaped package. Even if it's one of those sickening Russell Stover nougat patties they only sell in department stores at Easter. Hey, remember what a department store was? -- K. They were like malls, except teenagers didn't inexplicably consider them cool. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I remember when... Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 20:20:17 -0400 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Space Food Sticks were just Tootsie Rolls with more sawdust in the mix. > > What I like is how you, I, perhaps countless others, insisted on eating > these things in spite of the fact that they were absolutely, > irredeemably horrible. That's 'cause we were kids, and kids have no sense of taste. Or smell. Or texture. Or color. I _dare_ you to try eating SpaghettiOs as an adult. They're unbelievably vile. The generic imitations are even worse (their "tomato sauce" is a runny yellow-orange instead of just a runny orange color.) And all SpaghettiOs-like products are loaded with so much sugar that they're like Froot Loops from the planet Slimey. They're too small to be worth chewing, and they slide down your throat like a greased chimp on a Slip'n'Slide. > I mean, seriously, get some modeling clay, squeeze it through one of > those Play-D'oh shaping screens, sprinkle a little sugar on it, and it > would probably taste at least as good as, if not better. Modeling clay would taste bad. Now, Play-Doh, that's a delicious food product. It's just flour plus salt plus alum plus kerosene, all of which are common food ingredients. (Kerosene is the secret ingredient in supermarket egg nog.) > > I recall that the Space Food Sticks had little notches along them > > so you could divide them up in order to learn how many ones make a > > ten if you're in a Montessori school. > > And here I thought that the notches helped firm up your grip on the > stick -- you know, in case you suddenly encountered a pocket of non-gravity. Non-gravity doesn't come in pockets! It... wait, I gotta get the door. "Kontext-Away, Sir." Um, I think I'm going to bail on that paragraph. Kontext-Away's already busy tying it up with string. > > [Reggie Bar tribute] > > As a Red Sox fan, I could not, in good conscience, purchase or even > sample a Reggie Bar. Unless you're drunk, in which case you'll run around the Reggie Bar telling all the Reggies that you're not a Reggie but you want to make out with them anyway. -- K. I'll make a deal: If you eat a whole can of SpaghettiOs, I'll eat a Reggie Bar. Hey, while cleaning my apartment this morning, I found several packets of retired Kool-Aid flavors from the 1990s. HOORAY! I'M RICH! I CAN EXPLOIT THE GOOD PEOPLE OF X-ENTERTAINMENT! So don't think I won't find an old Reggie Bar somewhere. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Lindsey Wagner Commercial Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 02:57:16 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > I've been having on-and-off leg and foot cramps recently. It used to be > once every couple months or less when I'd get awakened yelling in pain, > but this week there's been multiple nights where I'm lying there _saying_ > "please don't do this" to the leg muscles which are sitting there giggling > "About to cramp! Not quite cramped yet, but I'm gonna! I'm gonna do it!"... Dude, if you tie yourself to the bed with straps instead of ropes they won't cut off your circulation like that. I know preventing night-time masturbation is important, but it's not worth cutting off circulation in any appendage you have two of. If worst comes to worst, upgrade to a vacuum bed. Just remember not to bring your bag of potato chips into bed with you or you'll have to spend the night covered with a uniform layer of two-dimensional potato chip powder. And remember, vacuum beds won't work in outer space, which is a plot point in many movies on the planet Tralfamadore. Oh, and don't buy any really cheap vacuum beds made from old fishnet stockings. They only work if you have a vacuum cleaner that can suck up the Earth's entire atmosphere once a second. And I think only Underdog knows where to get one of those, and you really don't want to involve him in your sick anti-masturbation fantasies. -- K. Have you considered just getting the operation? You know, the one men can get for free at the Martha Stewart clinic? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Big Savings on Furniture ( Special NRI Collection ) Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 03:12:37 -0400 Three times (so far) leedesignsindia@gmail.com has posted to alt.religion.kibology: > > Dear Sir/Madam, > > Better Home are major manufacturer, exporters and distributors of > quality Wrought Iron, boring > Imported Iron, boring > Sankheda, boring > Oxodise, boring and misspelled > Cane, boring > Stone, boring > Swings, kinky! > Office Furniture, boring even by the standards of furniture > and Wooden Furniture in India. Better Home offers a large array > of products ranging from Dining, Bedroom and Office Furniture. Naah, I already decided to equip my mansion with nothing but used subway seats. I can probably get a good deal on those really old Red Line benches that ran the length of the train and were completely frictionless so that everyone slid to the front of the car whenever a homeless guy shorted out the third rail. > We have special collection of all kinds of furniture for NRI's. Sorry, but my Robot isn't a "Henry" series. It's an ancient "Ellie", the original LE-01 model. The one with the mechanical typewriter for a head and the feet only have non-inline roller skates on them. > For more Details, please visit out website : > http://www.betterhomeindia.com I did, and yout graphic design is worse than shoving a sout lemon up your nose every hout. Shut up and pout me some liquot. Also, next year, you should consider getting a smaller Christmas tree so it won't stick up through the roof. > This is one time email. Stop trying to confuse my Ellie by lying to it. That only works on "Star Trek". This is a one-time "Star Trek" reference. > Unsubscribe information : please reply with the word "Remove" in > subject line to unsubscribe from our mailing list. Stop trying to confuse my Ellie by lying to it. That only works on "Star Trek". This is a one-time "Star Trek" reference. > Best Regards > Better Home India > Ahmedabad, Gujarat, India > +91-79-26765900 - 26751100 > +91-9824065564 Those numbers don't add up. Stop trying to confuse my Ellie by lying to it. That only works on "Star Trek". This is a one-time "Star Trek" reference. Also, I make it a rule never to buy anything from spammers who don't understand that furniture is the household product someone is least likely to order unseen from a place where the shipping charges on a desk would be larger than that country's whole gross national product. So what is a "Better Home India"? A hut where only two of the walls are made from dried cow dung? -- K. "Mommy, mommy, why does my bedroom sound like a bell?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's bedbug inspection day! Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 11:37:28 -0400 I just had my apartment inspected for bedbugs by three people who had three different opinions on whether or not it would be possible for bedbugs to be living in my plain, airtight, all-synthetic vinyl air mattress. I assured them I would know if I were being bitten by large bugs all night. I like that it took three people to look for the fairly sizable but nonexistent bugs. Anyway, be on the lookout for The Bedbug Squad. Soon to be a major TV series from the producers of NBC's "seaQuest DSV". With Danny DeVito as the voice of the imaginary bedbug! And very special guest star Sally Struthers as the voice of the overinflated air mattress! -- K. The only reason I'm posting this is so that I can say: I JUST SENT YOU THE BEDBUG LETTER! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's bedbug inspection day! Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 14:45:42 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just had my apartment inspected for bedbugs by three people [...] > > > > Anyway, be on the lookout for The Bedbug Squad. > > Ah, that 'splains why my landlord's daughter-in-law phoned me this > morning, utterly unexpectedly (especially because she no longer > handles his landlording business), and instructed me to make an > appointment with the local pest control business for the annual > pesticide-spraying of my abode. The search of the underside of my couch was preceded by a packet of Xeroxes of magazines articles about THE HORROR! OF BED! BUGS! So I'm guessing some apartment building staffer freaked out after reading an article on icky bugs and decided to send a team to look into this problem which must be real or they wouldn't put it in a magazine right next to the ads for candy bars for women only captioned "How does your snack complete you?" So maybe your landlord reads the same magazines. Do you also receive a four-page-long "newsletter" from the management containing the first paragraphs of "Grit" articles and placemat-quality brain-teasers that couldn't even stump Hojo The Clown? I'm not sure how many apartment complexes CustomMedia LLC slightly customizes this waste of paper for, but it never contains anything even remotely resembling information, entertainment, or good graphic design. I always like the calendar on the back page. Every month has the same two holidays, "RENT DUE" and "RENT LATE". "RENT LATE" is like Lent except with more of the same letters. I'm not sure what "RENT DUE" is unless it's the sequel to a Broadway musical. Oh, also, they've decided that we're no longer allowed to use the laundry room after 10pm. Apparently people were being kept awake by the loud noise of the laundry room's rickety exhaust system. It sounds like what you'd get if you attached a hamster wheel to a Snoopy Snow-Cone Machine surrounded by hundreds of megaphones. -- K. Still, at least lately the Postal Service has only snapped about half of my Netflix discs in half to get them into my little mailbox. They should consider shipping them in packaging that isn't made from leftover 1970's credit-card slips. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New hurricane names! Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 12:57:57 -0400 I just got my hands on the INCREDIBLY SUPER-SECRET list maintained by the government agency that plans the weather in advance, and now I know the names of all the hurricanes that are being created for the 2006 hurricane season! And here they are! -> Alberto It's the hurricane that drenches you which cheap shampoo! -> Beryl Because "Tourmaline" would be too hard for weathermen to spell. Also it would be racist because of watermelon tourmaline. -> Chris This would be a gender-neutral hurricane name if I didn't already know that the laws of genetics say that hurricane names go boy-girl-boy-girl in even-numbered years. -> Debby It's the hurricane that pelts you with wax-covered hexagons that taste like sweetened mud! -> Ernesto The most ernest hurricane ever! And remember, in 2006, hurricane names go muchacho-girl-boy-girl-muchacho! -> Florence The first hurricane with Wessonality! -> Gordon Wait, "Sesame Street" had multiple Gordons. Does this mean that halfway through the storm, the government weather-control bureau will secretly replace Hurricane Gordon with a different, bald hurricane? -> Helene It was originally intended to be "Hurricane Helena", but that would have led to extra devastation caused by a flood of "Space: 1999" fanfic. -> Isaac It's the hurricane that pelts you with hundreds of books about sassy robots and allegedly smutty limericks that even a sassy robot wouldn't find smutty! -> Joyce All weather reports will begin with "riverrun the." Or end with it. Or something. Nobody will be able to figure out what, except for Lieutenant Uhura in that one James Blish novel. -> Kirk HEY! I ALREADY MADE THE "STAR TREK" REFERENCE! DON'T EVER COME IN LATE ON A REFERENCE AGAIN, YOU HAIRPIECICANE! -> Leslie Another gender-ambiguous name which was placed after a male name to disambiguate it and reassure us that the country wouldn't be assaulted by a giant whirling Leslie Nielsen. "So my gun won't fire because the Foley guy's asleep, eh? Well then, I'll just kick you in the crotch until you're dead!" -> Michael Shut up, KITT. -> Nadine It's the hurricane that's half sardine, and half nad! Formerly known as "Scrotchovy". -> Oscar AND I ALREADY MADE THE "SESAME STREET" REFERENCE! DON'T MAKE ME STRANGLE YOU BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BREAK CARROLL SPINNEY'S WRIST! -> Patty I'd rather have a White Castle than a Hurricane Patty. -> Rafael How come there are all these Hispanic names? This is racist because hurricanes are evil but Hispanic people usually aren't. Hurricanes should only be named after evil ethnicities, like German and Redneck. -> Sandy This one's gonna lead to another one of those "South Park" episodes that writes itself. "Look out! That hurricane's got sand in its vagina!" -> Tony Well, at least if it hits New York City it'll pick up all the cigar butts Hurricane Klugman left in the street. There was a Hurricane Klugman, right? If not, cancel my subscription! -> Valerie Eh. I got nothin', since I don't even know who Valerie Bertinelli is. -> William Who struck more terror in the hearts of his enemies -- William The Conquerer or William The Moistener? -- K. Seriously, wouldn't "Tourmaline" be a great name for something that's not a mineral? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New hurricane names! Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 20:09:16 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Seriously, wouldn't "Tourmaline" be a great name for something that's > > not a mineral? > > Like a ridiculously expensive bike with lace on it? But it's easier to spell "Gold Wing". I was thinking "Tourmaline" should be something like the first heavy-metal band to have 15,000 members, so that in the concert venue they have to be where the audience should be, and then the extremely small audience has to stay on the stage, and everything's all backwards (because of Satan.) -- K. They'd play piezoelectric guitars. Instead of strumming them, they'd just bend them. You could watch the concert through Polaroid sunglasses to see all the psychedelic colors inside the guitars. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 20:24:20 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > I buy G.I.Joe figures when I can afford it. This is a remarkable change > from buying them when I could not afford it. Does that count as having > a grown up life? Um, Lots, I think those aren't real G.I. Joe dolls you're buying, since they're life-size and anatomically correct. -- K. But I agree with you that Joe is a lot more handsome than the Billy dolls. Hey, have you considered getting a scar? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Sun, 23 Oct 2005 17:51:16 -0400 TomH (address@my.sig) wrote: > > [...] So I am happy to be known as a Scot, male, even if I wear a kilt. You spelled that wrong. It's: "ARRRR! ME BE A SCOT! THIS BE A FINE KILT! IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!" ...'cause Scotsmen are just as tough as pirates. So what tartan do you wear? Most of the guys I see in kilts are wearing some sort of degenerate tartan consisting of a single black stripe wide enough to cover the entire kilt. I never see anyone with a sporran, though. Occasionally I spot someone with a cheap-ass, ineptly-made (possibly homemade) leather "kilt" that doesn't have the correct pleating and the wearer is strolling around not realizing what they're wearing is a "skirt". A skirt for girls. Girly girls. It doesn't turn into a man's garment just 'cause you took the poodle off it. I haven't seen anyone wearing the "skant" from first-season "Star Trek: The Next Generation". That would be the same as wearing a "KICK ME" sign which covered your entire body except for your skinny legs. Anyway, Tom, I hope you're wearing a proper man-kilt and not something with a poodle on one side and a "Star Trek" badge on the other. Also, you better have nice legs. -- K. I won't ask the obvious question about what sort of underwear you don't wear. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Wed, 26 Oct 2005 02:27:40 -0400 Stare at these revolving Tinkertoys and absorb a whole week's conversation in ten seconds! TomH (address@my.sig) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > TomH (address@my.sig) wrote: > > > > > > [...] I wear a kilt. > > > > [...] Also, you better have nice legs. > > [...] Maybe I should look into a shroud. Hmm. It might be better to just cut your losses and check eBay for a used Plasmaton costume from the "Doctor Who" episode "Time-Flight". You know, the one that had the _realistic_-looking walking raisins as opposed to Wil Vinton's cartoony, anthropomorphic walking raisins. Then you could stumble slowly after people too stupid to figure out that they can just walk away from you, and you can harass them by superimposing pictures of soap suds on them. "OH NO! BUBBLES!" Failing that, you could always try making yourself a Mr. Yuk costume from some sort of six-foot-diameter hollow green ball, preferably with an air hole somewhere. You could roll around teaching kids about ways they might soon die. You'd also need to have an old Moog synthesizer in there somewhere so you could provide the proper accompaniment to your ancient propaganda song about how drinking bleach isn't nifty. Listen: http://www.chp.edu/mryuk/mryuk_web.mp3 Now go drink everything that's not marked with Mr. Yuk! -- K. "Doctor Who" always had a fetish for terrifying monsters that could barely gimp around and had no arms or mouths. I guess they could still gently bump into you, perhaps even crushing some of the potato chips in your pocket. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 20:59:12 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Um, Lots, I think those aren't real G.I. Joe dolls you're buying, > > since they're life-size and anatomically correct. > > I wish. Three of the Joes are delectably female shaped. Yeah, but you ruined their value as collectibles by swapping the heads like that. -- K. "Look out! Cobra Commander now has a Farrah Fawcett Fashion Head!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proof my life IS getting weirder Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 20:55:39 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, have you considered getting a scar? > > I do have several scars. They just aren't visible. Usually. I have > three nasty ones on my pasty chest. In a row horizontally. Hey, I was just wondering if I'd ever meet anyone I could tear in half along the dotted line! > I could concievably tell people I was the victim of a drive by stabbing. You don't get dates with scar stories like that. You get dates with scar stories like "Sure, I knew the shark was electrified, but I had to save that puppy. The doctors had to put in a solar plexus made of solid plexiglas, but it was worth it to see the look on that puppy's face when I wedged the electroshark's jaws open with my rugged, manly chest." The only visible scars I have are the Ed Norton in "Fight Club" one and the Michael Ironside in "Scanners" one. I need to get some "Ichi The Killer" scars if movies are going to keep altering my body to bring about The New Flesh. I bet that if you met David Cronenberg you wouldn't even let him lick your scars, no matter how much he begged. Didn't Elias Koteas give an awesome performance in "Crash"? Man, that movie was the best scar porn ever! Sure kicked the ass of the scar scene at the beginning of "From Russia With Love". -- K. I'm still waiting for "24" to explain what the deal is with President Allstate's face. Did he get that scar in a violent Presidential debate? ("MR. PRESIDENT I DON'T HAVE TIME TO EXPLAIN BUT YOU HAVE TO ORDER ME TO SHOOT YOUR OPPONENT OR A NUCLEAR BOMB WILL BE DETONATED AT THE EARTH'S CORE!") ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Font check! Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 20:30:25 -0400 +------------------+ If this rectangle is wider than it is tall, | | wait behind the red line. | | | | If this rectangle is taller than it is wide, | | wait behind the blue line. | | | | If it is a perfect square, you're coming with | | me on a secret mission that shall bring us +------------------+ boundless fame, fortune, and free ninja hoods. -- K. That was a trick question. It's actually a circle. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: So what movies made you upgrade to DVD? Date: Fri, 21 Oct 2005 21:37:22 -0400 Here's a question for the group: What were the first movies you bought on DVD? For me it was the widescreen "Yellow Submarine" and the three-disc Criterion "Brazil" that made me get a DVD player back then. I think the other first real movies I got were "The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr. T" and -- this is the embarrassing one -- the limited-edition two-disc director's cut of the craptacular "Supergirl". (I also bought one of those seven-dollar dumpware discs of two bad transfers of antique movies, but that was just so I could test whether my computer could play DVDs before buying any good movies.) Anyway, "Yellow Submarine" and "Brazil" were what made me decide to get a DVD drive for my computer. I believe the first DVDs I rented were "Titus" (Andronicus, the Taymor version), "Fight Club" (two-disc), "Pulp Fiction" (had seen it before, but the DVD release had extras), and the Criterion "Robocop" (hadn't seen it letterboxed.) Two of those kept making my computer's DVD player lock up so that's when I bought an actual Sony DVD player instead of the incredibly fragile Apple thing controlled by a silver beach ball that caused the movie to pause for fifteen seconds whenever I showed or hid the silver beach ball that covered a quarter of the screen. (Apple has issued a long series of different fragile software DVD players, but that was the one from the year when Apple decided that all their products had to look like circles, such as that horrible mouse no human could use.) I was really mad that "Titus" kept locking up right before the first disemboweling. So "Yellow Submarine" and "Brazil" and "Titus" were what made me get a DVD player. Oh, and bootlegs of first-season "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" in DivX format were what made me get one of those lousy throwaway Philips players as an emergency backup player (my Sony is much nicer, but the Philips one supports DivX and doesn't have any interest in things like region-codes -- Sony is the one manufacturer that really tries to enforce all the region-coding stuff, because they own a movie studio.) I just thought I'd put the question out there of which movies were compelling enough to make you have to upgrade from VHS to DVD. Also, I'm getting rid of most of my VHS tapes -- hundreds of cheap obscurities that will probably never be released on DVD -- so if anyone in the Boston area wants some boxes of really weird old tapes, let me know. It's time to part with Larry "Bud" Melman's "The Couch Potato Workout". -- K. All too late I realized the advantages of a medium which takes up less space for the bad movies contained therein. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New old shirt Date: Sat, 22 Oct 2005 12:06:27 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I went to a store called "Fat Helens" that had a lot of old shirts, tacky > ornaments and 80's WWF wrestling figurines. There is no such thing as a non-tacky ornament, if you are of the official Bauhaus mentality. > It was a choice between the Shell Holden Peter Brock shirt or the cowboy > one, I chose the cowboy one in the end. It has fake leather and braiding on > it. A lot of muscians wear these sorts of shorts as they have to move > around a lot on stage like the cowboys did when rounding up cattle. I agree, five of the Village People couldn't dance. By the way, real musicians know that fake leather is for poseurs. If you're going to wear a Halloween outfit on stage, it better look real, and not like something from the K-Mart clearance bin. Would you respect a death metal band that wore pantyhose spray-painted red instead of real spandex? Then why settle for fake leather trim on your complete cowboy outfit? Of course, I know you're not really a musician, but we'll look the other way if you want to buy more leather shorts. We'll even look the other way when you use the words "I chose the cowboy one in the end." in a sentence, adjacent to something about leather shorts. Sheesh, this newsgroup is overrun with Village People wannabes. I'll tell you what I tell all the others: If you want to join the secret Village People re-enactment club, first you have to learn to not be able to sing, then you have to learn to not be able to dance, then you have to practice wearing the costume 24 hours a day. Also you have to learn all the lyrics to some really cheesy disco songs even if the only lyric you'll have to sing is "Yeah!". You have to be willing to do covers of "Celebration", and eventually be replaced by people who used to play the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. You have to pretend nobody can figure out that none of the six of you can play an instrument while the Indian dances and the cop sings and the other four of you sort of move back and forth and say "Yeah!" I assume you got to be the cowboy because of your hideous facial bone structure. Jack Morali probably told you, "Kid, you got a scary face, so put on this cowboy outfit and I'll make you as big as any one of the Monkees were if there were six of them and they kept getting replaced by others!" Either that or you took it the wrong way when someone yelled "YOU'RE RANDY!" Can you get me Steve Guttenberg's autograph? -- K. Good thing you passed up that Bill Holden Brock Peters shirt, or you'd have to set your nose on fire while decommissioning the Enterprise. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New old shirt Date: Sat, 22 Oct 2005 12:30:48 -0400 [on purchase of a Western shirt with leather trim] Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > And here's a picture(s)! > http://photos.timchuma.com/myself/newshirt221005_small.jpg > http://photos.timchuma.com/myself/newshirt221005_2_small.jpg Let me be the first to say: "IT'S PAT!" I assume you already know that one of the writers of "It's Pat!: The Movie" is best known for playing the leatherslave in "Pulp Fiction". Come on, you need to make up your mind whether you want people to yell "IT'S PAT!", "Bring out the Gimp!", or "Y-M-C-A!" at you on the street. Unless you can achieve a trifecta by finding a way to get the Village People to sing "...it's time for androgyny, here comes Pat!" to the tune of "Surfari Wipeout" while dancing the Batusi. And that's too weird to even think about. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! It's okay if you want to re-enact that imaginary event, but please do it without thinking about it so much. By the way, do you know what the technical term is for that braided leather lace on your shirt? Hint: It rhymes with "smimp" and it's in the dictionary between "gimo" and "gimq". Seriously, every month I have more and more trouble telling you and Lots42 apart. I need to remember: You're the Village Person who is the cowboy and part-time gimp and part-time androgyne, and Lots is the Village Person who is the pirate. -- K. I won't make the mistake of asking you to guard my lava chamber. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Attention Austrians! Date: Sat, 22 Oct 2005 12:17:11 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > OH! NO! TOO! MAN! Y! PAR! ENT! THES! IS! > __ | > )o (--o ) ) ) ) ) | > """"===--( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ) (| > |::|:\ ) ) ) ) ) | > |::|::\ | > ======== | Does it ever bother you that the Daleks keep conquering and/or destroying the Earth despite the fact that they have the reasoning ability and emotional stability of Rain Man? "GOTTA SEE WAPNER GOTTA SEE WAPNER I HAVE MISSED WAPNER I HAVE MISSED WAPNER I EXPLODE NOW I EXPLODE NOW!" You'd think that, given how hanging the Doctor's hat over their eye-lens causes Daleks to freak out, shoot several other Daleks, and then spontaneously self-destruct would have cause Davros to figure out that a two-eyed Dalek would be only half as pathetic, but no, he's too busy filling the inside of his wheelchair with shaving cream. "Hmm, which would be better, one eye and two blinking lights or two eyes and one blinking light? I better go with the sillier option because then people will be too busy laughing at how lame the Daleks are to be able to defend themselves against the Daleks' toilet plungers." > -- > TimC > Top posting because the cursor happens to be there is like shitting in your > pants because your ass happens to be there - Arjan van de Ven in fedora-test I think that in order to really annoy people, we should invent side-posting: I think that > -- in order to > TimC really annoy > Top posting because the cursor happens people, we > to be there is like shitting in your should invent > pants because your ass happens to be side-posting: > there - Arjan van de Ven in fedora-test Also, that's the real reason why people who post to Usenet choose to shit in their pants. Some of them do it because it saves them valuable time they could be using to top-post. -- K. "MY PANTS ARE FULL MY PANTS ARE FULL I WILL EXPLODE I WILL EXPLODE!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Update on the beddy-beddy-buggies, and their link to TERRORISM. Date: Sat, 22 Oct 2005 16:47:55 -0400 So it turned out, as a reasonable person might surmise, that the Bedbug Inspection Team was a pretext to check tenants' apartments for random reasons to threaten to evict them. The next day this letter appeared under my door, in giant print, neatly formatted so that lines two, three, and four all started with the same word: We are sending this letter to reiterate our policy regarding roommate changes. It is a violation of the lease to change roommates before the paperwork is complete. All roommate changes must first be approved by management. If you are not on the apartment least and living in the building you are in violation of your lease, and the whole apartment is subject to eviction. With terrorism in the news, and an epidemic of bed bugs in the regional area, following these policies will make life better for everyone in the building. Thank you for your attention to this matter. I love the logic of inspecting apartments for bedbugs so that you can then evict anyone who has three people living in a one-bedroom on the pretext that they must either be terrorists or cause bedbugs. There should be something about Comet Kohoutek in there, too. I'm still not convinced there's an epidemic of bedbugs in the locality of the regional area near my vicinity's neighborhood within the location of the building in which my residence resides. Also, I think the terrorists moved out of this building four years ago. Maybe we should alert the government to the management's discovery that terrorists can be tracked by looking for bedbugs. Maybe they could find Aafia Al-Siddiqui by following a trail of bedbugs from here to Pakistan. (Bedbugs love the taste of Islamic radicals! So to prevent bedbugs from eating you at night, go on an all-bacon diet.) Remember, if there's terrorism in the news and bedbugs in the regional region's region, don't shack up without paying to upgrade to a bigger apartment. It just makes sense. -- K. Hmm, I think I stopped finding ladybugs on my bathroom window around the same time the terrorists fled in 2001... But I thought terrorists only took _bad_ bugs with them when they travelled! The terrorists are holding our ladybugs hostage! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Christmas is here. Date: Sat, 22 Oct 2005 16:58:48 -0400 Apparently the Christmas shopping season is now open, because I've started being saturated by commercials for a talking Care Bears doll (on programs that don't normally have toy commercials.) It's a doll that comes with a stethoscope so you can pretend your bear is sick. When you shove the stethoscope into the bear's chest, it yells "HOORAY, YOU FOUND MY HEART!" Just to freak out doctors, if I ever have open-heart surgery, I plan to wake up halfway through and yell "HOORAY, YOU FOUND MY HEART!" It's also a good catchphrase to use when watching someone eat a bowl of chili. -- K. Or during heavy petting. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Christmas is here. Date: Wed, 26 Oct 2005 03:29:10 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It's a doll that comes with a stethoscope so you can pretend your bear > > is sick. When you shove the stethoscope into the bear's chest, it yells > > "HOORAY, YOU FOUND MY HEART!" > > Don't SAY that! > > Do you know how many people have woken up halfway through surgery and > FELT EVERYTHING? You mean the pervy doctor, or the patient? I've often thought that a good prank when you wake up after surgery would be to tell the hospital staff you coated your genitals with an invisible powder that will be turning perverts' hands bright green right about... NOW... and then see which of the doctors looks at their hands, then ask Hot Lips whether it's true that the Army has secret access to hairstyles from the future like her Farrah 'do. > Well, at least one and by god that's one too many. > > P.S. No, it was not me. Yeah, you never stopped snoring once while I was cutting. You didn't even wake up when I followed the approved medical waste disposal procedure and tied up your gall bladder inside a condom and flushed it down the really loud medical toilet. (Ask any sewer worker and they'll regale you with stories of strange things that were flushed inside condoms to make them seem less suspicious. I think the most famous case was that guy who smuggled the Mona Lisa out of the Louvre by flushing it in a French tickler.) -- K. Do those really tickle? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Christmas is here. Date: Wed, 26 Oct 2005 02:41:08 -0400 [WARNING: NOT WHILE EATING BEEF STROGANOFF] "Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It's a doll that comes with a stethoscope so you can pretend your bear > > is sick. When you shove the stethoscope into the bear's chest, it yells > > "HOORAY, YOU FOUND MY HEART!" > > Then there's the soon-to-be-out Proctolly Polly doll. Pull its strinG > and it says: "EAT YER BRAN" or " SIGMOIDOSCOPES ARE YOUR FRIENDS" or > 'HOW ABOUT SOME MORE LUBE, YOU HAM-FISTED QUACK" And "DON'T COOK WITH _THAT_ CAN OF CRISCO! THAT'S MY BEDROOM CRISCO!" It's a very educational doll. It teaches you the difference between left and right every time you put the red hanky into its pockets. And believe me, you won't forget after your first mistake, once the doll decides to make you its personal hand puppet. (Fortunately, there's an 800 number you can call if you get stuck.) Hey, has anyone here ever had a lobotomy in early childhood? And if so, did the doctor first give you a cute little booklet with cartoon characters explaining why you shouldn't be afraid of Mr. Doctor and Mrs. Scalpel cutting up your thinker? If so, I want to see the pictures. Also the ones that were in the booklet. -- K. I'm glad you didn't mention the Felchin' Frieda doll. They took her off the market 'cause the Postal Service wouldn't ship the squishy little packets of refills. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "Seriously, it's Larry Bird's fault I was stupid enough to do this." Date: Sat, 22 Oct 2005 17:52:15 -0400 [apnews.excite.com] -> -> Larry Bird Inspires Man's Longer Jail Term -> -> OKLAHOMA CITY (AP) -- A man got a prison term longer than -> prosecutors and defense attorneys had agreed to -- all because of -> Celtics great Larry Bird. ...proving white guys can't plea-bargain. -> The lawyers reached a plea agreement Tuesday for a 30-year term for -> a man accused of shooting with an intent to kill and robbery. But -> Eric James Torpy wanted his prison term to match Bird's jersey -> number 33. "Wow! I got the extra three years I asked for when I decided I'd rather go to jail for 33 years! That's also one year for every letter in the sentence 'I AM THE WORLD'S BIGGEST IMBECILIC MORON!'" And then somone explained that "imbecilic" was redundant with "moron" so he changed it to "I AM THE WORLD'S BIGGEST SUPER-GENIUS OXYMORON!" just to get another five years. -> "He said if he was going to go down, he was going to go down in -> Larry Bird's jersey," Oklahoma County District Judge Ray Elliott -> said Wednesday. "I'll let you put me in the electric chair if I can wear green face paint!" -> "We accommodated his request and he was just as happy as he could be. And people that stupid can sure be happy! "He's too happy" is a new way of saying "he's an idiot". -> "I've never seen anything like this in 26 years in the courthouse. -> But, I know the DA is happy about it." Why, is he a Celtics fan too? -- K. What sort of twit roots for the Boston team in Oklahoma? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Things that don't go well with leather jackets Date: Sat, 22 Oct 2005 23:34:23 -0400 Tobias Josefowitz (tobij@goodadvice.pages.de) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Oh, and those Luxembourgian traffic > > cops with the "Deep Space Nine" outfits should all carry phasers. > > And the country should just shorten its name to "Borg". > > I've never seen Luxembourgian traffic cops, but Dutch ones. They look > somewhat deepspacenineish, too, but they're cadetts, only, and they don't > fit into any of the departments known to Star Trek: gray jumpsuits and > orange shoulders. > > http://goodadvice.pages.de/cadett.jpg That's sort of what I was thinking of, except I'm pretty sure I saw a photo of a black uniform with red shoulders once. I think it was a policeman from Luxembourg, but it could have been Belgium or Holland because, being an American, I think all three are the same country. Americans believe Luxembourg, Belgium, and Holland are all one country called "Benelux" that makes vacuum cleaners. The photo I'm remembering was from a news story about some traffic cop preventing speeding by setting up a life-size cardboard cutout of himself by the side of the road. Unfortunately I didn't save the photo, and my memory is now hazy enough that I'm even starting to doubt whether it was from Luxembourg. But I did find some photos of Luxembourg police motorcycles which have a lot of red. http://police.collection.lt/rodoi.php?pp=LUX-BMW-RT-1150-P_w.jpg&elm1=940 I don't understand why there are so many Web sites with collections of photos of police cars and police motorcycles, but they rarely have photos of the uniformed officers. I thought only Americans expect to get arrested if they take a photo of a cop. (Here in the U.S., you can be arrested for taking a photo of anything, because everyone knows terrorists destroy things by photographing them.) This site is one of the few which have a good collection of policemen on their bikes: http://membres.lycos.fr/scawin/cops.html ...oh! There's a Belgian guy on page 5 who has a black uniform with red shoulders, a red helmet, and white gloves. http://membres.lycos.fr/scawin/moto/cops_b_3.JPG That red helmet rules, and I guess I did confuse Belgium with Luxembourg. Sorry, I apologize to both countries for saying that the wrong one was just like "Star Trek". Anyway, that Belgian motorcycle cop has the coolest, most Lego-like uniform I've seen, beating out the German motorcycle police because the Germans stopped wearing the green leather pants with the black butt. But I'm going to dock the Belgian five points for having a bike with such a wimpy paint job. Needs more red, or a flaming skull. What the heck is this eyesore from some place known as "Northamptonshires"? http://membres.lycos.fr/scawin/moto/cops_gb_3.JPG Wow, I thought the London police with the chartreuse checkerboards had ugly livery. Over in Northamptonshires the police drive clown cars. Actually, it's probably the only car they have. All 100 officers fit into it at the same time. -- K. Why do European police usually have white gloves, but American police always have black gloves? I had great difficulty buying a pair of white police gloves so I could properly impersonate a German cop. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I hate everyone in the entire world Date: Wed, 26 Oct 2005 02:49:51 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > So I was sitting at my flea market booth when a little girl goes by. > Nobody else is around. > > She stops near my mom's booth and looks at something. My mom talks to > her and she says that she's here alone. > > In a flea market. > > Something isn't right. > > I pace her, EWWWWWWWWW. Lots, just 'cause all those gay guys at the flea market keep calling you "daddy" doesn't mean you should start claiming unclaimed little girls. > and she crosses out of the aisles and stands behind our car! Was she heartbroken when you told her there was no room because you already had eight other little kids in the trunk? > WTF. I summon my mom, who circles around and talks to her some more. > She's taken to the front office. They page about her a few times but > I never learn anything more. So did she keep staring at you while slowly reciting spooky nursery rhymes in a ghostly voice, or is this the other sort of dream that ends with you making 50c profit by selling a water-damaged "Lois Lane, Girl Reporter"? We need more information about these and other important events in your life. Also, EWWWWWWWWWW. -- K. Still, it's a good thing you went to the flea market with your mom so that you wouldn't get lost and stand next to some weirdo's car. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I hate everyone in the entire world Date: Wed, 26 Oct 2005 02:57:21 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I was talking on a chat room last night and the a leather lady asked if > I was alright as I was talking about the same things that I do here. And of course there's no right answer for that question. So what sort of punishment did you blunder into? Also, how do you know she was a leather lady and not just some sweaty guy named FBI Special Agent Johnson? Remember, FBI vice squads are limited by the Constitutional protection granting Americans freedom from unreasonable search and seizure, but since you're in Australia the FBI can do whatever it wants to you. > I don't know if I will stay on that site after my one month subscription is > up as they all say "no weirdos" and 'NO SINGLE GUYS'... A "no weirdos" sign on the Internet is like a "no water" sign in the ocean. So how much has that Russian spanking clinic been charging you? -- K. And by the way, are you all right? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I hate everyone in the entire world Date: Wed, 26 Oct 2005 03:13:17 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > Aren't you here for your own amusement? > > I am here for the amusement of Kibo And that's why I haven't sent you a paycheck in months. You better figure out how to be entertaining soon or I'm gonna have to send some of my goons over to reposess your kneecaps. Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > or is this the other sort of dream that ends with you making 50c > > profit by selling a water-damaged "Lois Lane, Girl Reporter"? > > Right. If I tried to sell a water-damaged Lois Lane, the customers > would act as if I just shot everyone in Seattle in the face. See, this is why it's not working. I can't tell whether you think they would be happy or sad. Maybe to remove all doubt you'd better do the experiment. I suggest hollowpoints, because that way you save money by not buying the centers of the bullets. -- K. I love saying the word "goons". The word "Goonies", on the other hand, ruins any conversation in which it appears, making it completely bejuvenated. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hair color update #20051026a. Date: Wed, 26 Oct 2005 07:22:01 -0400 Well, I decided for once that I wanted something stronger. So I bleached the daylights out of my hair (taking out the last of my usual Manic Panic Electric Lava) and put in some Special Effects Napalm Orange (and a little Special Effects Hi-Octane Orange to darken the beard slightly.) Special Effects Napalm Orange is their shade which matches the Manic Panic Electric Lava (not to be confused with Special Effects Hot Lava, which would correspond to a Manic Panic color named Electric Dirt if there was such a thing.) I usually use the Manic Panic stuff because it's easier to apply and remove, but the Special Effects lasts longer. The problem with the Special Effects colors is that they're concentrated enough that when you're shampooing after applying, you have to maintain constant vigilance to keep little rivulets of water from running down your face or you wind up with an orange stripe down your nose. It migrates all over your body as you wash so after getting your hair rinsed out (several times) you then have to deal with all the stains caused by the dye-water splattering on your lower body. Lots of washing. Manic Panic is so much easier to deal with, but it fades faster so it's a trade-off. I think on the whole I prefer Manic Panic just because it doesn't do as much collateral damage (doesn't stain skin as badly, and the Special Effects stuff sometimes leads to a mild burning sensation on my face.) However, Special Effects gets a brownie point for having one shade which almost has a swear word in it. ("Bright As F@#$ Yellow" -- I guess don't know why they chose to censor it in a way that makes it look like it says "Bright As Fahs", but they did, so there.) Anyway, I now have the orangest radioactive orange hair you've ever seen. It's currently reddish-orange, but by Halloween it'll have faded to regular nuclear orange. So what colors are you people going to dye your hair for Halloween? I'm not doing anything unusual with my hair, so I hope somebody out there is going to have weird hair. -- K. How come in sci-fi people in the future always evolve into baldoids? I think they'd be more likely to evolve into superintelligent punks and Goths, with the occasional atavistic Bozo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Zap! Date: Wed, 26 Oct 2005 23:22:30 -0400 Something seen linked from fark.com, containing a priceless catchphrase I had to quote. [www.canada.com] -> -> Surrey mom fears hydro line after shock -> Woman ponders move after power line zaps her -> -> Ethan Baron -> The Province -> -> October 26, 2005 -> -> Fearing for her children, a Cloverdale woman may move away to -> escape power lines that shocked her from above. -> -> Tena Miller was walking in heavy rain on a sidewalk beneath hydro -> lines, heading for a bus stop near her home. -> -> "I could hear the power lines just sizzling," Miller said. "I'd -> heard it before. It always made me nervous." -> -> Suddenly, pain shot through her left arm. She was holding her -> umbrella in her left hand. -> -> "When I looked up, there were sparks spinning around inside my -> umbrella." -> -> She threw it to the concrete. -> -> "I thought, 'What the hell was that? Did I just get hit by -> lightning?'" -> -> She picked up the umbrella, hoisted it and a "burning, stinging -> pain" ran up her arm. -> -> "The umbrella was sparking again," she said. -> -> Miller called Hydro and told a woman what had happened. -> -> "She basically told me to take a different path," said Miller. "I -> said, 'This is on the sidewalk, and I have to go through there to -> catch the bus to get to school.'" -> -> Miller later received a voicemail message from Hydro, telling her -> that "sometimes this does affect certain people," she said. That's right, electrocution only bothers certain people. The ones who aren't Bibendum. -> Since the Oct. 18 incident near 184th Street and 60th Avenue, -> Miller has run through the area where she was shocked. -> -> "We're actually thinking of moving," said Miller, who has a -> six-year-old son and eight-year-old daughter. "A child could get -> electrocuted." So... she's planning on moving to a part of Canada that doesn't have power wires? Hmm. Her choices may be limited, I think most of the provinces have electricity these days. -> Hydro gets about two complaints a year from people suffering from -> "induction" created by 500,000-volt lines in Surrey and Langley, -> said Hydro's Elisha Moreno. Well, yeah, 'cause dead people don't do much complainin'. -> High-voltage lines form an energy field and if a person walks into -> it, particularly in rainy or foggy conditions, electricity can -> travel to them through metal, such as an umbrella, Moreno said. -> -> "It's slightly uncomfortable but not dangerous," she said. Unless they have a pacemaker, or epilepsy, or are carrying a bottle of something flammable like whiskey, or are wet, or have clothes containing metal zippers, or are a robot that hasn't made an off-site backup of its brain. -> Induction creates a "tingling sensation. Sometimes people mistake -> tingling for pain." Then someone should make her watch a DVD of Vincent Price in "The Tingler" and then show her a Taser. Then they need to hold her down and tingle her with the Taser until she admits she can tell the difference. MAKE HER TINGLE 'TIL IT HURTS! "Sometimes people mistake tingling for pain" rates on the International Bullshit Scale somewhere between "Paying Mensa dues proves you're a genius" and "How does your snack complete you?" If this woman became a doctor, it would lead to the world's shortest Abbott & Costello routine: "Ow! My broken arm hurts!" "No it doesn't." CURTAIN. ...though if she actually performed that she might get sued for ripping off Mary Baker Eddy's whole stupid philosophy. -> Affected people should switch to a wooden-handled umbrella, Moreno said. -> -> "This is not something that the public should be worried about at all." Then she opened a special science propaganda museum with exhibits like "Electrocution Is Your Friend" and "Why People Who Own Normal Umbrellas Deserve To Die." -- K. "To get started learning what electricity feels like, press your tongue to the Hot Shot Sabre Six... Should you mistake this gentle tingle for searing, agonizing pain, remember that it's only a bunch of D batteries and therefore can't hurt you." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: just Date: Thu, 27 Oct 2005 01:51:37 -0400 Nimrod Poindexter (strutterman@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Just kill me. > > Or make a fatal accident happen to me. I'm good at having accidents. > Not good at this. I'll say. That's _not_ the proper way to try to get killed on the Internet. The commonly-accepted method is this: HELLLO INTERNET ALL MY LIFE I HAVE BEEEN HAVING FANTASIES ABOUT BEING ANONYMYONOUSLY MURDERED AND ABUSED, PREFERABLY BY A STRANGERER, IF YOU WISH TO PARTICIPITATE TODAY I WILL BLINDFOLD MYSELF AND HANDCUFFF MYSELF TO THAT TREE IN THE EXACT CENETER OF THE LOCAL FOREST AT EXACTLY 7:00 PM TONIGHT, WHOEVER CLAIMS ME FIRST CAN KEEEP ME. Just remember (a) always provide clear directions to the tree so that the people you want to kill you won't have to go to the trouble of looking too hard, and (b) get yourself all set up there at least a full hour before the appointed time in case your new friends have fantasies about arriving thirty minutes early to the scene of a murder so that they can embarass those other murderers who only showed up fifteen minutes early like losers. Alternatively, if you'd prefer the fatal-accident approach, we could go to the Museum Of Science and I could show you the best spot to stick your arm through the cage around the big lightning machine. That would teach the little kids in the audience something about safety, assuming they're not also killed in the blast when your whole body explodes like a frozen eggplant thrown into boiling magnesium. There's also the "Punky Brewster" approach of going to the vacant lot to play in that abandoned refrigerator. Just check to make sure it really is a refrigerator, not an outhouse. Also, "Final Exit" says that doing it by suffocation is a really bad way to go because there's a good chance you'll just wake up in the hospital with 90% brain damage and then you'd have to start enjoying "Punky Brewster". -- K. To save you the trouble of reading "Final Exit": It concludes that the one and only one author-approved means of suicide involves horse tranquilizers, a tank of balloon helium, and a dust mask under a Baggie. I think there's also supposed to be something about pantyhose too. It's one of those books that takes place in a world without guns, like the old "Batman" show. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: just Date: Fri, 28 Oct 2005 03:44:09 -0400 Nimrod Poindexter (strutterman@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Hey James! > > Does somebody PAY you to be a vain and completely insensitive asshole, > or are you just moonlighting? See, this is where your argument contradicts itself, because if I were completely insensitive I wouldn't feel any desire to killfile you right after I post this. Congratulations, your brilliant strategy worked. Now pucker up and prepare to kiss the bottom of my killfile. -- K. Also, "somebody" doesn't properly describe the large multinational cartel that pays for my trillion-mile- long invisible yacht. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: That's the way the cookie crumbles while exploding Date: Thu, 27 Oct 2005 02:40:24 -0400 Once again, a reporter has failed miserably. [www.signonsandiego.com] -> -> Child's toy sparks bomb scare at airport -> -> SAN DIEGO -- The commuter terminal at Lindbergh Field was evacuated -> briefly Tuesday morning after baggage screeners found what they -> thought appeared to be a bomb in a passenger's suitcase. -> -> Harbor Police were called after the item was discovered at 7:45 -> a.m., according to Transportation Security Administration -> spokeswoman Jennifer Peppin. The bomb squad was called and -> technicians examined the item and found it to be harmless -- -> a child's toy with a cookie attached to it, Peppin said. WHAT KIND of toy? WHAT KIND of cookie? Attached, HOW? And how did they determine that the cookie was harmless and not a Death Cookie? -> The original report said that screeners had detected an -> improvised explosive device as the baggage was X-rayed. "Run, it could be a dirty bomb -- that plastique is studded with M&Ms!" -> "Screeners are trained to know the items they are looking for and -> will flag anything they deem to be suspicious," Peppin said. -> -> The all-clear was given at 9:18 a.m. and the terminal was returned -> to normal operations. -> -> The luggage was returned to the traveler and he went on his way, -> officials said. WHO? WHERE? WHY? AUGH!!! Look, reporters of the world, I never again want to be told about something as tantalizing as a POTENTIALLY LETHAL COOKIE OF MASS DESTRUCTION without getting a full recipe. Got it? Good. Don't screw up again or I'll explode you by putting together a critical mass of Oreo middles. -- K. It's almost Halloween, hippies could have hidden razor blades inside that cookie! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Annoyances Date: Fri, 28 Oct 2005 04:01:02 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] The other day, I used a kid's innate fear of me for good. As any horror movie fan knows, cats and dogs and other lower animals have an innate sense when evil approaches. So it's only natural that kids would too, because some kids are as smart as some dogs. Kids don't seem to be afraid of me. But grown-ups are. If we're on the subway and a kid says to his or her parent, "Why is that man's hair orange?" I love the shocked look on the parent's face right before the parent tries to non-verbally indicate to the kid that they should not talk about people who look interesting. I'm happy that temperatures are now getting below freezing, because that means I can wear a ski mask in public to further disturb adults who find it frightening. "He must be slowly walking home from robbing a bank, because there's no other reason for anyone to be comfortably dressed in cold weather!" > The staircase at the library is designed in such a way that the people > at the bottom cannot see half of it. RUN! DON'T LET M.C. ESCHER TRAP YOU IN HIS NINE-DIMENSIONAL LIBRARY!!! It's just like that "Doctor Who" episode where the guy from "All Creatures Great & Small" walks through the Atavachron in the space library and winds up in an attempt to simulate an Escher drawing with primitive video special effects and also apparently they held a contest to find the grumpiest old man on the planet so they could clone all their librarians from him and oh yeah travelling back in time makes Spock stop being a vegetarian. IT'S EXACTLY LIKE THAT!!! > I was coming down from the top and on the landing was a kid > misbehaving and causing a ruckus. The mom, who had the excuse > of an injury, as I saw later, was trying to get the kid down. > No dice. So when the kid saw me, I put my finger to my lips. Please tell me "Baby Elephant Walk" wasn't playing on the Muzak. > And like with most kids, my sheer presence naturally scared her. > So she behaved and went back to momma. Of course, as soon as momma > could see me, I acted perfectly innocent. The kid tried to gabble > to mom that she was scared of me but she couldn't find the right > words. I am proud of myself, as she now realizes strangers can be > scary. And to shush in a library. She was probably scared because a couple days ago her mom gave her that lecture about how she shouldn't talk to or even listen to strangers wearing pirate hats in libraries because they might be weirdos, or worse, Pirate Don Saklad With Swash-Bucklin' Card-Catalog Riffling Action. -- K. "M... N... O... P... Q... Ah, here it be, ARRRRR!!!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Annoyances Date: Fri, 28 Oct 2005 18:03:00 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm happy that temperatures are now getting below freezing, because > > that means I can wear a ski mask in public to further disturb adults > > who find it frightening. "He must be slowly walking home from robbing > > a bank, because there's no other reason for anyone to be comfortably > > dressed in cold weather!" > > I once wore a ski mask on the way to a friend's house when I was > younger (as opposed to being older). I left it when ringing the > doorbell and gave the mom such a startle. Fortunately, I realized > something was wrong real quick and removed the mask while she was still > looking through the peephole. I'd better fill in the blanks: Dear Penthouse Forum, I once wore a ski mask on the way to a friend's house when I was younger (as opposed to being older). I left it when ringing the doorbell and gave the mom such a startle. Fortunately, I realized something was wrong real quick and removed the mask while she was still looking through the peephole. Then she invited me in and I put the ski mask back on and took off everything else but my socks. When her husband came home and caught us, he was so startled he almost forgot to join in! Or for those of you who prefer early-1970's humor magazines: Dear National Lampoon, I once wore a ski mask on the way to a friend's house when I was younger (as opposed to being older). I left it when ringing the doorbell and gave the mom such a startle. Fortunately, I realized something was wrong real quick and removed the mask while she was still looking through the peephole. Then I farted because I'm a moron. Sincerely, Alan Alda. Or if you prefer magazines only dentists subscribe to: GOOFUS wears a ski mask to frighten people. GALLANT wears a ski mask to prevent people from being frightened by his hideous face. GOOFUS confuses people because they think he's a bank robber. GALLANT calms people down by proving he actually is a bank robber. GOOFUS wears a three-hole ski mask on his head. GALLANT puts the three-holer on his bowling ball to warm it up before he smacks one of his hoes upside the head with it, so her brain won't get cold when the ball smashes through her skull. > > [...] > > > > RUN! DON'T LET M.C. ESCHER TRAP YOU IN HIS NINE-DIMENSIONAL LIBRARY!!! > > If you ever visit said library, you would realize your observation is > more apt then you think. I haven't even been to that eight-dimensional one in Seattle people keep complaining about. The Boston Public Library is boring because it has fewer than four dimensions, even if you count the parts of it that only Don Saklad can see. > > She was probably scared because a couple days ago her mom gave her > > that lecture about how she shouldn't talk to or even listen to > > strangers wearing pirate hats in libraries > > Dude, I have not owned a pirate hat for six months, at least. ...because that's when the pirate hat started OWNING YOUUUUUU!!! -- K. Have you considered getting a fireman hat? It would go well with one of those G-strings that says "HOT STUFF!" Plus you could sing that song from "The Benny Hill Show" about where to stick your hose. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Annoyances Date: Fri, 28 Oct 2005 18:44:54 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > I don't have a beard. Unless you count Katie Holmes. Wait, never mind > > the last sentence, I was channeling a celebrity. > > Your intimate knowledge of Tom Cruise's sexual proclivities intrigues me. > Please tell me more about what would happen if you and Tom Cruise were > the last two people alive and you had to have sex with each other in > order to repopulate the Earth. "Okay, but no gay stuff." -- Andy Dick to Phil Hartman Now let's put it to a vote. Which would be more entertaining, Andy Dick and Phil Hartman having to repopulate the Earth, or Lots42 and Tom Cruise having to repopulate the Earth? And what if Tom was wearing his mask from "Eyes Wide Shut" while dancing in his underwear like "Risky Business"? And what if Nicole Kidman had him replaced with a robot to make him butch so he threw out his Viggo Mortenson T-shirt? What if Tom Cruise and Viggo Mortenson and Lots42 had a three-way, Scientology-approved BDSM party with spankings and E-meters and that rancid sandwich from that other "NewsRadio" episode where Phil Hartman bleached his pubic hair to show how much he liked rancid sandwiches? And then what if Phil Hartman got shot in the head so he got replaced by Jon Lovitz who kept fondling an empty bra because that's what real men do all the time? -- K. Imagine an Earth repopulated by Andy Dick and Phil Hartman. All the kids would grow up funny! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: no money, no honey Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Fri, 28 Oct 2005 04:23:29 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > Im a big ugly billionaire and had so many sluts > ..I had 12 wives and was married once. > and cheeted on them all. > Im all dun now !! > I quit at 50 ..no fuckin moe. Well, at least you're still fucking Larry and Curly. And you're definitely fucking Goofy. > I can afford them ,,but had them all twice. Yeah, right. I don't believe a thing you say. You're probably a short incredibly handsome homeless WebTV owner who's never been married and fucks Zeppo instead of Moe. > the trade leads were all free because if you must pay for a trade lead > the trade is worthless. > If they want to trade tey want evryone to see it. > BIULDING LNG tankers as fast as I can because its $ 13 bucks 1000 in > usa and $ 1.80 per 1000 in brazil. BEFOR THE EXCHANGE. > BUSH is looting usa so bad when he is done usa will be worthless. > BUSH is revenge against the usa paid for by the GIANT china boss. > YOU dont even own a house china does. > 1 % of americans are getting rich beond comprehension wile the poor > working class get a BUSH up thier asses. > MOB BOSS BUSH is LOOTING usa till its fucked so bad it WONT make it > threw the next 5 years. > YOU dont even know how fucked you are. Sure I do. Number of Three Stooges in my apartment having sex with me: zero. Therefore, I conclude I am being fucked by less than half as many Stooges as you. Please keep us posted about your naughty Stooge cluster-fucks in all their Shemp-shaggin' detail. -- K. Have you considered becoming monogamous and just fucking Benny Hill? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Some sticky buns have raisins and some have dingleberries. Date: Fri, 28 Oct 2005 04:53:04 -0400 [www.team4news.com] -> -> Man Convicted of Sprinkling Fecal Matter on Pastries -> -> Oct 27, 2005, 06:36 AM EDT -> -> A Dallas man will likely be sentenced today, one day after a jury -> convicted him of sprinkling feces on pastries at a grocery store. And just as with the news story about the cookie in the suitcase causing an airport terrorist scare, I have to ask: WHAT KIND of pastry? (Keelber Turdwich? Snackwell's Plopwells? Famous Anus? Spritz mit Schitz?) WHAT SPECIES of feces? (Human? Canine? Baleen whale?) Sprinkled HOW? (Powdered dried turds, or natural diarrhea?) Also, does the length of the sentence depend on whether he "sprinkled" the turds on the pastry, or slapped them on less daintily? -> Prosecutors charged 49-year-old Behrouz Nahidmobarekeh with two -> felony counts of tampering with consumer products. You can't fool me. That's a fake name and I know because all the terrorists on "24" have names exactly like that, and "24" probably is all made up! I'm pretty sure it's not a documentary of any sort! -> During the trial, the jury saw store surveillance videotapes of the -> man tainting the food. HEY LOOK IT'S BOB ODENKIRK AND DAVID CROSS LEADING A CONGA LINE OF TEN BILLION MULTI-COLORED BEARS WEARING FUNNY HATS MADE FROM FLAKY FLAKY PASTRY! AND THEY'RE DANCING IN A CIRCLE AROUND THE WORDS "TAINTING THE FOOD"! AND PIT-PAT AND SHAQUILLE O'NEAL AND ALL YOUR DEAD PETS ARE THERE! Okay, they're gone now. We can get back to seriously discussing this article about some guy shitting on cookies without getting distracted by the word "taint". Whew. For a minute I thought I was going to have to change the subject to something unrelated, like farting on cakes. HEY LOOK IT'S BOB ODENKIRK AND DAVID CROSS FARTING ON ALL THE CAKES IN THE WORLD WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS FROM EVERY SID & MARTY KROFFT SHOW AND THAT GUY WHO TALKS LIKE SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! Oh poo. I forgot "Mr. Show" did a whole episode about farting on cakes. I guess on the Internet all roads lead to that "Mr. Show" episode. -> Customers had complained the fresh-baked items smelled and tasted -> like manure. Okay, this reporter gets an F-minus for not asking the world's most obvious follow-up question. Maybe the reporter just assumes everyone knows what manure tastes like. I sure don't, unless it turns out that it tastes exactly like Trader Joe's artificial butter-flavored chicken nuggets, in which case, ecccccch, that would make manure taste horrible. Anyway, the reporter gets a big time-out in whatever the opposite of the Obvious Bag is for not asking the most obvious follow-up question about why Texans like to lick cow patties to familiarize themselves with the flavor just in case they ever need to complain about tainted tarts. -> Nahidmobarekeh could get anywhere from 10 years probation to two to -> 20 years in prison. And once he gets out, as a convicted felon, the only job he'll be able to get involves handling all your food at McDonalds. Or worse, Trader Joe's. -- K. Seriously, Trader Joe's movie-theater-butter- flavored fake McNuggets taste worse than anything the human mind can imagine. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some sticky buns have raisins and some have dingleberries. Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 01:34:04 -0500 When I first brought this news story to your attention I forgot to say "further details as events warrant," which means now I'm allowed to give you further details even though events don't warrant them. In other words, I found a version of the article with more stuff in it. [www.local6.com] -> -> Man Caught On Tape Sprinkling Fecal Matter On Pastries -> -> A cab driver in Dallas, Texas, was allegedly caught on surveillance -> video sprinkling dried fecal matter on cookies and pastries at a -> grocery store, according to a Local 6 News. -> -> Behrouz Nahidmobarekeh, 49, is on trial for allegedly throwing the -> feces on pastries at a Fiesta grocery store. Is that the supermarket whose slogan is "Fun, Feces, Fiesta!"? If so, I'm going to stop buying their canned poppy-seed filling. -> Police said that during an investigation, they found a pile of -> human feces by his bed. Investigators believe Nahidmobarekeh would -> dry the feces, either by microwave or just letting it sit out, -> grate it up with a cheese grater and then sprinkle it at the store. He must be crazy! Everyone knows you don't use a cheese grater for that, you use a feces-grater for that. They sell them at Sharper Image. They're for when you have to take a poop but the only toilet handy is inside a Barbie Fun Hut so you have to make your poop really small 'cause the Barbie Fun Hut says right on the box, "WARNING: DO NOT CLOG BARBIE'S TOILET OR FUN HUT WILL CEASE TO BE FUN." -> "(We are) unable to identify him; just a young boy, maybe 3 years -> old, on the surveillance tape you can see him eating one of the -> cookies and that's the worst part about it, I think." No, the worst part is that the 3-year-old is going to see himself eating that cookie on TV tonight at 6. -> Attorneys in the case were unclear about a motive in the case. Hey, geniuses, how about applying Occam's Razor and deciding that his motive was that HE'S EVIL? You know, some people are just plain evil without any rational motive. Don't try so hard to figure out the logical explanation why this guy sprinkled feces on other people's cookies, because if he does have one you'll have to let him go. Like, it could turn out to be some sort of sting operation where Jack Bauer's daughter would get tortured to death if this guy didn't sprinkle doo-doo on the President's snickerdoodle so he had to do this to prevent a nuclear war and retrieve the stolen master key that opens all the nation's diary locks and stop the terrorists who are planning to crash a train into the International Space Station while Queen Elizabeth is on board to open the Space Westminster Dog Show so it's full of corgis and also Jack Bauer has to shoot all the Amnesty International board members in the face to prevent them from trying to stop him from saving the world by sprinking doody on desserts. See, if the guy had a perfectly logical explanation like that he'd be off the hook. Or you could just conclude the guy is evil. That's the way things work in the real world -- not everyone does everything for a reason. Sometimes bad people shit on your cookies without filing a flight plan. -> Prosecutors will show a surveillance videotape of the defendant, -> which shows him sprinkling a substance on the food. I think a clever laywer could still argue against that evidence. "Your honor, my client was sprinkling something on the food, but it was not a substance. He was sprinkling the insubstantial concept of noetic synergy on the cookies in an effort to make them more thought-provoking without changing them in any way. Also, he's like part of the Universe and stuff, and he has to go free because that flag has tassels on it, it's in the Constitution. I rest my case and now everyone here owes me a thousand dollars." -> The FBI arrested Nahidmobarekeh but turned the case over to local -> prosecutors after they determined it was not a national security -> issue. THAT'S NOT WHAT JACK BAUER SAYS!!! JACK'S GONE ROGUE AGAINST THE ORDERS OF WHATS-HIS-NAME WITH THE HELP OF THE HIDEOUS WOMAN FROM "MR. SHOW" IN ORDER TO STOP THE TERRORISTS IN EXCHANGE FOR THE PRESIDENT GIVING HIM A FULL PARDON AND A DISCOUNT ON HIS AUTO INSURANCE!!! NOW STOP BOTHERING JACK BAUER BECAUSE HE HAS TO DRIVE TO THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION WITHIN THE NEXT HOUR BECAUSE THE SHOW TAKES PLACE IN REAL TIME!!! IT'S REAL!!!!!!! -> Copyright 2005 by Internet Broadcasting Systems and Local6.com. -> All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, -> rewritten or redistributed. But can I sprinkle poopflecks on it? -- K. I heard the Keebler Elves fart on every cookie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some sticky buns have raisins and some have dingleberries. Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 22:07:52 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, geniuses, how about applying Occam's Razor and deciding that > > his motive was that HE'S EVIL? You know, some people are just > > plain evil without any rational motive. > > Heh. Best treatment of this was the episode of X-files where the > serial killer was killing psychics after they failed to tell him why > he was behaving like a homicidal maniac. > > The killer confronted the psychic insurance salesman, who told him, > "You are this way simply because you are a homicidal maniac." > > At which point the killer said, "Oh. Thank you. That makes sense." Therefore it was the wrong explanation, because on "The X-Files" it should be something like "You are a homicidal maniac because of the eighth-dimensional astral serpent who controls the CIA by sneaking into their bedrooms through the keyhole because it can turn into a cloud of zombie bees -- that makes sense." "The X-Files" would have stopped real quick if David Duchovny ever said, "Wait, none of this makes sense," and walked out through one of the keyholes. I liked the original "Kolchak: The Night Stalker", 'cause, I mean, Darren McGavin rules. He's like Adam West but with a goofy little easy-to-smash camera instead of a Bat-Holographic-Laser-Camera. I'm a little worried about the new version of "Kolchak: The Night Stalker", 'cause it'll probably be yet another rip-off of "The X-Files", instead of being a revival of what "The X-Files" was a bad rip-off of. Also they'll have to give Darren McGavin a cameo in it, and everyone will be expecting him to curse continously for five minutes while kicking the crap out of the basement furnace, because that movie is the only thing anyone remembers seeing him in. I wish they'd release a DVD of his movie "Mission: Mars". That's the one where the interior of the rocket ship had lots of little lockers with signs on them for what was inside, such as, a locker that said "NOTE PADS". See, that's another reason he's almost Adam West. At least they've brought out all the original "Kolchak: The Night Stalker" shows on DVD (the two TV-movies and all the series episodes.) But I demand there be more Darrin McGavin on TV. And not a replacement Darrin, because replacement Darrins are lame. But they could replace Tom Bosley if they re-made that episode where Tom Bosley was in charge of the records-storage facility in the salt mine that had the killer lizardman in it. Hey, anyone can replace Tom Bosley, anywhere, any time. In fact, I'm replacing him right now. This is Tom Bosley signing out. -- T. Marion, what am I going to do with this bathtub full of potato salad? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some sticky buns have raisins and some have dingleberries. Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 21:53:27 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Sometimes bad people shit on your cookies without filing a flight plan. > > > > That's a good one. > > sig it, Pete! > If you don't I will. I say you should both do it. Then I will judge the two .signatures and if I have a favorite, I'll give a Fudge Sprinkle Snackwell's to the other one. But I expect that most likely each .signature will be beautiful in its own way, so I'll just give the cookie to someone who doesn't even have a .signature. ...SOMEONE... WHOM... YOU... DON'T... KNOW. (That "Twilight Zone" episode is so quotable precisely because the twist ending is so stupid. It's the one from 1985 or '86 where the unpleasant constantly-bickering couple get a box with a button on it and are told that if they push the button, they will get a bunch of cash, and SOMEONE will die... SOMEONE WHOM THEY DON'T KNOW. Then eventually they push the button and receive their money, then the scary guy tells them he has to take the box back and give it to SOMEONE ELSE... SOMEONE... WHOM... YOU... DON'T... KNOW. Except the acting is even hokier than that. Also the speech may not actually use the word "whom" because this is TV, where there is even less grammar than what there be here on the Internet.) What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, dinner. Who wants some? -- K. Sometimes bad people shit on your cookies just to become immortal in your .signature. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some sticky buns have raisins and some have dingleberries. Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 21:44:59 -0500 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Sometimes bad people shit on your cookies without filing a flight plan. > > That's a good one. But is it better than my 568,184,209,113 other ones? They're all good. Except the one someone sprinkled dried shit on. But it's only one. So keep eating, there's little chance of you eating someone's poo. That's the new McDonalds slogan: "Eat a McDonalds! You're more likely to win our rigged Monopoly game than to eat any of our employees' poo!" -- K. Do not attempt to dial that number, because I made it up. If you want to dial a non-made-up number, try dialing pi. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.energy,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: LPE Followup-To: sci.energy Date: Fri, 28 Oct 2005 05:23:39 -0400 In sci.energy, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > [...] > > auto stocks will dump and all the suport stocks will dump. > wile evry small shop booms . > I dont sell no stock and own 100 % . > Im a billionaire now . > Ill be the first trillinaire. > Thenn maybe Ill run for president. > you just wait till the world sees me !! > im 7 foot 9 but when I was 35 I was 8 foot. > 550 pounds present . > bench press a 1000. I'm sorry, but the Constitution says you have to be at least 15 feet tall to be President. And after Lincoln, they amended it to say that silly hats don't count. If you don't believe me that all our past Presidents have been over 15 feet tall, go look at Mount Rushmore. It's in some state somewhere. However, your weight of 550 pounds does qualify you for one position in our government, but Ted Kennedy already has a head. You should give up running for office. Have you considered just running for the ice-cream truck? The exercise would be good for you, provided all that chocolate doesn't stunt your growth. -- K. So when you become a "trillinaire", will you dress like Sandra Dickinson or like Zooey Deschanel? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tee Shirts Date: Fri, 28 Oct 2005 05:39:33 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > In the past, I've gotten free comics, free video games and free booby > > shots. > > If I were a woman, I would pass on the booby shots, even if they were free. You may have written yourself into a corner with the "If I were a woman" clause. Now you have to go get booby shots, or you'll go to jail for saying an untrue sentence on the Internet. I'll call the Internet Police tomorrrow unless you get your shots, and your boobs better be as big as Lots42's. So have you picked out a drag name yet? I hope you're going to choose one more creative than "Markie" or "Markella" or "Markinette". And I most of the spices are taken, so no "Saffron" or "Cinnamon" or "Pepper". The only one left is "Asafetida". > But perhaps I'm the only one here who doesn't like having needles stuck > into sensitive parts of my anatomy? What, you're one of those people who holds the KAH-RAZY viewpoint that having your scrotum pierced isn't nearly as painful as having your nipple pierced? That's MAD KAH-RAZY, man, everyone knows that male nipples can't be sensitive, 'cause their plumbing ain't hooked up. Oh, and if you're afraid of needles, there are topical anaesthetics -- such as Marcaine -- to keep you from feeling the injection. The only problem is, they're injectable anaesthetics. -- K. And they have to be injected with the Seattle Space Needle. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tee Shirts Date: Fri, 28 Oct 2005 18:25:17 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So have you picked out a drag name yet? I hope you're going to choose > > one more creative than "Markie" or "Markella" or "Markinette". > > However, see ** below. > > > And I most of the spices are taken, so no "Saffron" or "Cinnamon" > > or "Pepper". The only one left is "Asafetida". > > "Ginger" was abandoned, so I take it that one is up for grabs (FNARR), and > it could be appropriate: after booby shots, anyone would be left feeling a > little ginger. Ginger wasn't abandoned, she was just marooned on an island with The Fat Guy and The Smart Guy and The Rich Guy and Robinson Caruso and that room from the "Blake's 7" Liberator that was filled with an infinite supply of dorky-looking costumes in their sizes and every form of currency used throughout the galaxy and there was a wall of guns but the ship would only let them each have one gun because I dunno the show never made much sense but at least it had a Fonzie guy and "Gilligan's Island" needed a Fonzie. Fonzie could have beaten the Harlem Globetrotters so easily. > [...] > > > Oh, and if you're afraid of needles, there are topical anaesthetics -- > > such as Marcaine -- to keep you from feeling the injection. The only > > problem is, they're injectable anaesthetics. > > ** I think you just found me the perfect drag name. Marcaine Southerne. I didn't know drag queens had last names. Maybe you should just go with the it's-only-sort-of-a-last-name-because-it-rhymes approach and be Marcaine Arcane. That would also be a good Goth name for when you're re-enacting those Jack Chick comics about how all Goths summon the devil by injecting poison into kids' Halloween candy while playing "Dungeons & Dragons" inside a giant pentagram after buying their Satanic dice from a Jewish shopkeeper with a nose eight feet long who's secretly in league with the Pope who eats babies. Hey, has anyone else ever noticed that the propaganda in Jack Chick comics might be a little heavy-handed? > > And they have to be injected with the Seattle Space Needle. > > The worst of that is, one has to go to Seattle for it. What's wrong with that? It's one of those cities where people are allowed to be weird. Seattle, San Francisco, Cambridge, and whatever the name of the only city in Holland is are all places where you can walk around naked with a Steve Martin arrow through your head and an ameba on a leash and people will just smile and wave at you. Seattle is also the only city in the United States where people wear enough hats, though they do tend to be goofy-looking. And so do their hats. -- K. Has Jack Chick done a comic book about the evils of Seattle? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tee Shirts Date: Fri, 28 Oct 2005 18:10:23 -0400 James Vandenberg (Basalisk@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > > > > > If I were a woman, I would pass on the booby shots, even if > > > they were free. > > > > You may have written yourself into a corner with the "If I were a woman" > > clause. Now you have to go get booby shots, or you'll go to jail for > > saying an untrue sentence on the Internet. > > Do I have to get out the cards with numerals on one side and letters on > the other and rules about how even numbers and vowels cannot be seen > together? Because if I have to, I will. Y0U M4J0R B0Z0, 3V3N NUMB3RS _4R3_ V0W3LS! > Let P be the proposition "Mark South is a Woman". Let's all laugh at > Mark's P. Let Q be the proposition "Mark South will pass on the booby > shots". Then Mark is stating, 'if P, then Q', sort of. > > Now, if P is true, Q has to be true, in order for Mark's statement to be > correct. That is, if Mark is a woman, she must pass on the booby shots. > Now, if Q is not true, then P must be false. That is, if Mark gets booby > shots he must be mans. However, implication (the iffy bit) cannot say > anything about whether Mark is a ladygurl if he passes on the booby shots, > nor can it say whether Mark gets the booby shots if he is a mans. > > So, MR JAMES KIBO PARif and only if that is your real name, it looks > like you've been defeated using logic. Nuh-uh. I remotely remapped everyone else's keyboard's "f" key to the "ff" ligature from an Adobe Expert Set font so he actually said "iff" not "if" because I wanted him to have enormous knockers so we could snicker at these giant boobs caused by logic. So I win this round of "WFF 'n' Boobs". -- K. NUDEST LOGIC GAME EVER! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Place your bets now! Date: Fri, 28 Oct 2005 06:00:11 -0400 So I requested the rental of the Japanese movie "Living Hell" from NetFlix, because that's what you do with NetFlix, you draw up a list of DVDs that seem like they might be mildly amusing and they show up at random times. "Living Hell" showed up with a crack running from the edge to the hole in the middle of the DVD. I went to the Web page to report a damaged disc, read through NetFlix's standard suggestion to try wiping the disc with a clean cloth, checked the "THIS DISC IS BROKEN" box, and sent it back to get a replacement. Replacement "Living Hell" showed up broken in dangerous, sharp pieces. I checked "THIS DISC IS BROKEN" and requested a replacement. Replacement replacement "Living Hell" showed up in two pieces of different sizes. I shall return it and try again. So, it's time to place your bets: * How many more times must I make them send me the same movie before I can figure out whether it was even remotely worth this aggravation? * How many pieces will the fourth DVD be in? * If DVD #4 arrives in four pieces, how many flimsy red paper envelopes will they be distributed among? * Will NetFlix send me a nasty letter accusing me of a secret terrorist campaign to blame the Postal Service for me jumping up and down on every copy of "Living Hell"? Or will I write them a letter patiently explaining to them it might be worth spending an extra two cents a disc for cardboard envelopes so they wouldn't have to keep buying several copies of every movie I only want to watch one copy of? * Does my mail carrier crush these on purpose under orders from the KGB because "Living Hell" contains secret information about how to tie a tin-foil flydanna? * Will this nuisance be enough to make me hate the movie forever even if it turns out to be good? I'm really getting tired of smashed NetFlix discs. One would think that a company that well-organized would eventually figure out that if the Postal Service manages to crush a small percentage of discs in plastic clamshell cases inside padded mailers, of course they're going to break a _lot_ of NetFlix discs since NetFlix apparently believes that a thin layer of paper is enough to protect a fragile disc from our nation's cadre of insane postal employees and their spanking machines. I've started shaking NetFlix envelopes before opening them because a lot of them sound like pretty wind chimes. -- K. The other broken DVD I returned recently was "The Day The Earth Caught Fire", with Leo McKern, who was one of the bad guys on "The Prisoner", which PROVES my INSANE CONSPIRACY THEORY! Somewhere, the Postal Service has a big domed room where killer weather balloons are crushing NetFlix DVDs! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Place your bets now! Date: Fri, 28 Oct 2005 17:46:44 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > I checked "THIS DISC IS BROKEN" and requested a replacement. > > > > Replacement replacement "Living Hell" showed up in two pieces of > > different sizes. > > > > * How many more times must I make them send me the same movie before > > I can figure out whether it was even remotely worth this aggravation? > > My third copy of "The Boxer" from NetFlix worked, so I'll say one. Do you think their local distribution center is the old Sears regional headquarters in Kenmore Square, the one that used to be rumored to have a mountain of broken Craftsman tools in the courtyard? I imagine NetFlix must have some facility with room for a giant mountain of shards of DVDs. Once at a computer tradeshow, some Asian salesmen tried to interest me in a $900 toaster oven for destroying data CDs containing sensitive data. I suggested that if I ever needed to destroy a CD, I could snap it in half with my manly man-thews. The salesman claimed that that wasn't good enough because bad people could put them back together, resulting in my undisguised scoffage. I hope that salesman now has the job of wading through the mountain of broken DVDs at NetFlix headquarters to see if he can glue them back together and make them play again. > > * How many pieces will the fourth DVD be in? > > One. Ah, so it'll be another one of those ones where the crack only goes halfway across? Perhaps they'll screw up and send me the crack in a separate envelope, in a little vial. I wouldn't know what to do with it. > > * Will NetFlix send me a nasty letter accusing me of a secret terrorist > > campaign to blame the Postal Service for me jumping up and down on > > every copy of "Living Hell"? Or will I write them a letter patiently > > explaining to them it might be worth spending an extra two cents a > > disc for cardboard envelopes so they wouldn't have to keep buying > > several copies of every movie I only want to watch one copy of? > > After the post office lost "House of Sand and Fog," NetFlix warned me > that if more DVDs "in your area" went missing, the company would quit > sending copies to my "area." "Dear Mike Nelson, please stop breaking our DVDs in your 'area'. That's not what the hole in the middle is intended for. You're just supposed to be watching the movies. Sincerely, Dr. Clayton Forrester." Lately I've been watching the "Freaks & Geeks" DVDs, and a couple of the episodes have both Trace Beaulieu and Joel Hodgson, proving that under those circumstances Stephen Lea Sheppard is funnier than Trace and Joel combined. This suggests we need to do the experiment and get "Mystery Science Theater 3000" back on the air with Stephen as the host to create unholy levels of super-funniness. (And I'm still creeped out by the way on "Freaks & Geeks" he appears to be playing me at that age, except around the eyes.) > > The other broken DVD I returned recently was "The Day The Earth > > Caught Fire", with Leo McKern, who was one of the bad guys on > > "The Prisoner", which PROVES my INSANE CONSPIRACY THEORY! > > Maybe the Postal Service didn't like McKern in "Rumpole of the > Bailey," either. I wouldn't know -- I can't watch anything that has men in those silly British judicial wigs. Trials should not be conducted by men in glam wigs. Trials should be conducted by men in helmets. -- K. Even the Daleks understood that the first thing they needed to do when invading Britain was to force everyone to wear motorcycle helmets and motorcycle rainsuits and wellies, and give them whips. Daleks understand sexy! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Even better than an Unidentified White Powder scare! Date: Fri, 28 Oct 2005 19:21:45 -0400 A New York City item seen on Fark.com. [1010wins.com] -> -> Ooh That Smell: Mystery Odor Still A Mystery -> -> Oct 28, 2005 11:50 am US/Eastern -> -> The calls and emails started coming into the 1010 WINS newsroom -> late last night and they all wanted to know the same thing -- -> what is that odor hanging over the city? Well, several million people live in New York City, and the laws of probability say it's inevitable that they must all eventually fart at the same time. -> Most described it as smelling like maple syrup, Oh, great. First Canada sends us their acid rain, and now they send us their stinky syrup vapor. Next they'll be sneaking actual Canadian bacon into our national cuisine, such as the Egg McMuffin. -> although at least one person thought it was more like peanuts. SOUND THE ELEFART ALARM! -> So, what is it? The official answer at this hour is we don't know -> and neither apparently does anyone else. There's speculation that -> whatever it is drifted over from New Jersey. -> -> The NYPD, the City Office of Emergency Management, the City -> Department of Environmental Protection, even the Coast Guard -> investigated. The air was tested, but nothing sinster was found and -> the search for the source continues. -> -> One listener who emailed from Cliffside Park, NJ said he's been -> smelling the same aroma in his neighborhood for the past 14 years, -> but it seems more pervasive lately. He did not know the source. Maybe it's the aftereffects of the Great Molasses Flood in Boston's North End. It's been about a century, so that's enough time for the blob of molasses to have oozed through the ground and come up in New York. Anyway, this suggests a great way for terrorist-wannabes to freak people out. A dozen people could travel around pouring out bottles of pancake syrup in different subway stations. It doesn't even have to be syrup, anything else sweet-smelling will work because everyone knows any sort of weaponized anthrax would be mixed with something that smells good to trick people into breathing. -- K. Hmm, I do have that bottle of leather- flavored cologne... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Even better than an Unidentified White Powder scare! Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 02:51:06 -0500 Earlier I quoted a news story on a strange candy smell that was invading New York City. Here's the New York Times's version. [www.nytimes.com] -> -> Good Smell Perplexes New Yorkers Greatest headline ever! Except it should say "Non-Urine Smell Perplexes New Yorkers". -> By Kareen Fahim -> Published: October 28, 2005 -> -> An unseen, sweet-smelling cloud drifted through parts of Manhattan -> last night. Arturo Padilla walked through it and declared that it -> was awesome. Yeah, but awesomely what? Awesomely good? Awesomely bad? Awesomely indescribable? I declare the smelly cloud to be very. It's extremely very! -> "It's like maple syrup. With Eggos. Or pancakes," he said. "It's -> pleasant." Hmm, "Arturo Padilla" is an odd choice of a cover name for someone who is obviously a Canadian infiltrator whose plot to pass himself off as a loyal American was foiled by our Maple-Syrup-Scented Canadian Detection Bat-Gas. -> The odor had followed Mr. Padilla and his friend along their walk -> in Lower Manhattan, from a dormitory on Fulton Street, to Pace -> University on Spruce Street, and back down again, to where they -> stood now, near a Dunkin' Donuts. Maybe it was from there, he said. -> But it wasn't. -> -> Mr. Padilla was not alone. THE ODOR IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!! (music sting) Then Rod Serling steps out of the cloud of vapor and reassures him that he won't actually get a bullet in the head if he renounces his Canadian citizenship when he wakes up from his RED MAPLE NIGHTMARE. (I never get tired of '50s propaganda films. We should tell our Government to make more of them. It should be a lot easier now that all the Commies are dead, as they won't complain when we make movies about their evil ways.) -> Reports of the syrupy cloud poured in from across Manhattan after -> 9 p.m. Some feared that it was something sinister. Well, duh. In Manhattan, after 9 p.m., everything sinister happens that's possible to happen. If the terrorists had crashed planes into the World Trade Center after 9 p.m., everyone would have just shrugged their shoulders and said "eh." It would have been just one of the millions of horrifying things that happen at night in Manhattan. If you're ever in Manhattan and the sun goes down, you need to immediately find shelter somewhere safe, like one of those nightclubs under Christopher Street, or possibly a White Castle. Just don't eat the weird little burgers, especially if you chose the White Castle. -> There were so many calls that the city's Office of Emergency -> Management coordinated efforts with the Police and Fire -> Departments, the Coast Guard and the City Department of -> Environmental Protection to look into it. What sort of zweeb calls the Coast Guard to report that they smell pancakes? ("Hello, I'd like to report smelling pancakes -- and they smell nautical!") -> By 11 p. m., the search had turned up nothing harmful, according to -> tests of the air. Reports continued to come in from as far north as -> 112th Street shortly before midnight. In Lower Manhattan, where the -> smell had begun to fade, it was back, stronger than before, by 1 a.m. -> -> "We are continuing to sample the air throughout the affected area -> to make sure there's nothing hazardous," said Jarrod Bernstein, an -> emergency management spokesman. "What the actual cause of the smell -> is, we really don't know." Here, let me explain how the entire New York / New Jersey region works: Company has too much rancid pancake syrup on their hands. Environmental-protection laws forbid disposing of rancid pancake syrup in any way. Company hires Lucky Nuccio's trucking company to transport all of the pancake syrup somewhere. During a brief rest stop, the valve on the back of Lucky Nuccio's tanker truck is opened up a little. The mysterious shiny brown stripe along several hundred miles of the Thruway and the Pike and the L.I.E. washes away next time it rains. Company writes off the rancid pancake syrup that spontaneously disappeared in transit. -> There were conflicting accounts as to its nature. A police officer -> who had thrown out her French vanilla coffee earlier compared it to -> that. Two diplomats from the Netherlands disagreed, politely. -> Rieneke Buisman said it smelled like roasted peanuts. Her friend -> Joris Geeven said it reminded him of a Dutch cake called peperkoek, -> though he could not describe that smell. Well, that would be a cake sitting next to a woman who was naked except for a red latex hood, smoking a doobie, while a cop in a "Star Trek" uniform watched, smoking a larger doobie. I know everything about every country. -- K. The wannabe-terrorists who put New York on edge with their gallon bottle of vanillin could crash our whole economy if they ever got some asafetida. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Even better than an Unidentified White Powder scare! Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 21:41:59 -0500 Cam (cam.barr@beer.com) wrote, in an article which crashes my newsreader when I try to post a followup, so this is actually a followup to one of Joe Bay's articles but it was written by Cam: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If you're ever in Manhattan and the sun goes down, you need to > > immediately find shelter somewhere safe, like one of those nightclubs > > under Christopher Street, or possibly a White Castle. Just don't > > eat the weird little burgers, especially if you chose the White Castle. > > The burgers are fine, go ahead and eat them. Just throw away the > pickles, it's the pickles that make you sick. I didn't think the Manhattan White Castles came with pickles. They do come with pickles in Minneapolis and other regions, but if my memory is correct, the crime committed by the New York White Castles is that they give you little packets of ketchup and then also drench your burgers with runny translucent pink corn-syrup-flavored just to render any decision about whether to use the packets pointless. So in New York, you have to specify "no ketchup" even if you want to put good ketchup on. Minneapolis and Detroit never threw icky fake ketchup all over my burgers. Other regional differences are in the chicken sandwiches -- Minneapolis's chicken is a triangle, New York's is a torus, and I'm told Chicago's is a square with a layer of cheez hiddden inside. The New York locations also had fried clams last time I was there, and yes, I actually ate some because I like breading a lot more than I like actual seafood. Mmm, micro-clams! I did have a bottle of some "lime with mint"-flavored beverage from a local health-food store today which tasted exactly like dill pickle juice. It tasted green, bitter, and sour due to a combination of horsetail pulp (WHICH IS NOT LIME NOR MINT) and pineapple juice (WHICH IS NEITHER LIME NOR MINT.) Worst of all they charged me $2.19 for it. That's the sort of price they charge for stuff at Trader Joe's, they shouldn't charge that much at real health-food stores! (Trader Joe's is NOT a health-food store, even though it turns you gay if you shop there.) -- K. I do weird things with my frozen White Castles. For instance, I toast them so the bus are crunchy but the meat's still liquid. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Even better than an Unidentified White Powder scare! Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 02:28:02 -0500 Captain Infinity (Infinity@captaininfinity.us) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I do weird things with my frozen White Castles. > > For instance, I toast them so the bus are > > crunchy but the meat's still liquid. > > I'm gonna call the MBTA and tell them to look out for *you*. The reason I accidentally left the "n" out of "buns" on purpose was merely a clever ploy to detect terrorists whose brilliant plan revolves around them being too dim to tell a bus from a bun. Then, I summon Gene Wilder, who puts on his varsity sweater and becomes Letterman, who can defeat evil by adding letters to it unless he needs an emergency quadruple bypass and Kathie Lee Gifford has to host his show while he's having his chest cut open before he gets back to doing exactly the same stuff night after night after night. Was that painting painted by an elephant or a human? Will I care even less than I did the last fifty times? Geez, go back to picking a lucky number or something. Or cut to an Easy Reader segment. He's outta sight! I heard when Easy Reader took the subway from 125th Street to Park Street Under, he sprained his mouth trying to read "MBTA" as a one-syllable word. Then he got into a boxing match with Bill Cosby and the Cos got so punch-drunk that he made an episode of "Fat Albert" where the moral came out "Never share anything with anyone, ever" instead of "Always share everything with everyone all the time" and also Fat Albert weighed 98 pounds and Mushmouth kept pronouncing "MBTA MBTA MBTA MBTA" clearly. Oh, and that hat with the eyeholes that Donald wears? That's not a hat, that's a polyp. You're welcome! -- K. I don't think you can call the MBTA -- I believe they don't have phones, they just have that Web site where they update the "Which Subway Lines Are Currently At Or Near Schedule" page once a week, so you can find out if any trains have been stuck for a full week. "At or near schedule" is MBTA- speak for "Yeah, might be running, might be broken, why don'cha try to ride it and see." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Even better than an Unidentified White Powder scare! Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 22:03:00 -0500 "Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "At or near schedule" is MBTA- > > speak for "Yeah, might be > > running, > > might be broken, why don'cha try > > to ride it and see." > > Or else he'll ever return > No, he never returned > And his fate is still unlearned > He may ride forever 'neath the streets of BostonÊ > He's the man who never returnedÊ Look, I'm going to forgive your crime of knowing who the Kinston Trio were in light of the fact that you fucked up my formatting worse than if Manley Hubbell ate a nutmeg bigger than his head. Oh, I am so angry. Put my words back in the order I had them sorted in, or I'll use the Eludium Pu-238 Explosive Space Modulator to create a screen-shattering kabewm. -- K. It's amazing that Mel Blanc drew all those cartoons all by himself. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Fun with feeding tubes (warning: do not read) Date: Sat, 29 Oct 2005 07:12:43 -0400 [www.newsday.com] -> -> New allegations of abuse -> -> By Letta Tayler -> Staff Writer -> -> October 27, 2005 -> -> The Pentagon has engaged in a new form of medical abuse at -> Guantanamo Bay by force-feeding detainees on a hunger strike in -> ways that are deliberately painful and cause life-threatening -> vomiting and weight loss, defense lawyers say. -> -> The gruesome allegations include complaints that doctors and guards -> intentionally thrust feeding tubes covered in blood and bile from -> one detainee's nose into another inmate's nose and denied prisoners -> anesthesia. Hey, you're supposed to put a condom over the dirty feeding tube before nose-fucking the next guy's guts with it. Didn't these guys learn anything in hygiene class during the unit on psychopathically- transmitted diseases? -> [...] -> -> During recent visits to Guantanamo, lawyers said, ghoulish-looking -> detainees had lost weight from vomiting and diarrhea since being -> force-fed and could barely walk or speak. One was carried in on a -> stretcher. -> -> During force-feedings, prisoners were "vomiting up substantial -> amounts of blood ... soldiers taunted them with statements like -> 'Look what your religion has brought you,'" Manhattan attorney -> Julia Tarver, who filed the motion before Kessler, said in newly -> declassified papers. "No anesthesia or sedative was provided." -> -> In front of doctors including the prison hospital chief, "guards -> took [nasal feeding] tubes from one detainee, and with no -> sanitization whatsoever, reinserted them into the nose of a -> different detainee. ... The detainees could see the blood and -> stomach bile from other detainees remaining on the tubes," -> Tarver said. Never mind who did what. When do we get to see the wacky "Titicut Follies"- style minstrel show the guards are undoubtedly forcing the inmates to perform? Surely there must be a musical variety show involved. And how can we turn back the clock to the days when people like this were so damn stupid that they let Frederic Wiseman film them committing these atrocities? I say it's time for a sequel to "Titicut Follies". Or at least a game show where instead of pointing at prizes, Lynndie England points at genitals. Game show, horrifying documentary, they're equally good ways to depict atrocities. But they shut down that Web site where soldiers were getting free subscriptions to porn when they sent in photos of Iraqi civilians with their faces blown off. Really, how is that different from "The Price Is Right" except for all the stuff about pricing games being replaced with snuff porn? Anyway, I demand sequels to "Titicut Follies" filmed at Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib, or at least something with Wink Martindale helping Lynndie England point at Anson Williams's genitals. That would show the world the truth! -- K. (...assuming Potsie has genitals.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid Dreams Date: Sat, 29 Oct 2005 07:42:15 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > I had two dreams last night. > > I dreamnt I was a crazy old recluse millionaire who was discovered to > be crazy by a public event. The school he/I was sponsoring put on an > event to explain how I was a nice rich old man. But in reality, I was a > nut who thought that anything colored black was Communism. So if you > bought a VHS tape, you were supporting communism. Paging famous HONKIE Sigmund Freud... > My dream continued on from there, with a documentary being produced > about my uncovered crazy. Michael Caine played my single father, a > situation that in no way resembled Lots42's real life. In the dream, > he would save every possible scrap of leftover and this somehow turned > me insane. Well, that's as good an excuse to tell people as any other one you could make up. People aren't going to care why you're insane as long as your story is sufficiently rehearsed so that you can deliver it in a boring voice that soothes them into a stupor of gentle, tolerant boredom. I like to tell people I became who I am by memorizing the closing credits of "Star Trek: The Motion Picture", then I rattle off several dozen of them, though it sometimes backfires if the ones I make up are too wacky. "Special Science Consultant: Isaac Asimov. NASA Technical Consultant: Jessco Von Puttkamer. Graphic Design: Ron Resch, Boston University. Graphic Blandishment: Milgar Dooberlanff. Metric Co-Ordination: Chloris Totzoll. Special Underwear Provided By: Dumax-Crontabulon Limited. William Shatner's Chest Hair Styled By: Lugo. Flying BART Train Appears Courtesy San Francisco Disneyland (Open By Appointment Only). Set Chaplain: Anson Flarglefartnaxicortabblegabbison." But if you make up just the right speech to tell people to explain why you're insane, people won't be so scared of you while they're slowly backing away. So Michael Caine stifling your development by obsessively collecting and categorizing your leftovers is a good way to go. You could also do something about baseball statistics or a detailed analysis of the geodetic subtext of one specific "Dennis The Menace" cartoon about him squashing caterpillars. Just be sure not to spoil it by admitting you don't know what "geodetic" means. I won't admit that, I'm sure it means something about dead caterpillars. See how well my strategy for talking to people works? You also need a backup strategy in case people accuse you of making up a "why I'm insane" story to curry their favor. A good approach when you need to bail is to just start spinning around looking back over your shoulder in all directions while screaming "SOMEONE'S TOUCHING ME! SOMEONE'S TOUCHING ME! SOMEONE'S TOUCHING ME FROM ALL SIDES!" > The other dream involved me going to the Star Wars Imperial Academy Uh oh. You've just turned alt.religion.kibology into the TIE Pilot Slash-Fic Chat Room again. Suddenly the newsgroup will fill up with people having serious discussions of what they'd do if a friendly TIE Pilot let them try on the pilot's space galoshes. > and the teachers realizing that someone screwed with me schedule. > After mistakes had occured. I was horrified because I had the teachers > coddling me in the IMPERIAL Academy. I knew I was destined for wedgies > or being thrown off a cliff. Or both. At the same time. I don't think you'd get a wedgie, more likely a porkin. I'M SORRY! I HAD TO SAY THAT JUST BECAUSE THE GUY WHO PLAYED PORKINS DIED TODAY AND THE GUY WHO PLAYED WEDGE ANTILLES DIDN'T! I tried to mention Ensign Greenbean here but I couldn't think of a segue, so I didn't. Besides, Jeff Marder told me segues are for kids, and after meeting Dean Kamen, I agree. > I don't have issues, I have a lifetime subscription Change "issues" to "husband" and "subscription" to "dartboard" and put it on a T-shirt and wander around not blinking your eyes while holding a cluster of pointy darts in each hand. That'll teach people not to ask whether or not you're insane. -- K. Wouldn't "Star Wars" be better if they had blown up the Death Star by chucking darts at it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Just found the group Date: Sat, 29 Oct 2005 18:51:30 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > The only t-shirt I want is one that says: > > Habanero Pepper Enemas > Let me help you with your road rage. That's a waste of good habaneros, since they would taste so nice going in the other end. Also, I'm pretty sure that people drunk enough to ask you for a habanero pepper enema wouldn't be sober enough to be able to understand big words like "habanero" or "with". You should reduce the shirt to something easier for drunken suckers to volunteer for, such as "PRESS HERE FOR A SURPRISE". > That's melancholy baybee. So stop drinking so much melanchohol. -- K. I know who Emperor Nero was, but who was Haba Nero? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Just found the group Date: Mon, 31 Oct 2005 22:42:32 -0500 "Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote: > > Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote > > > > > > [concerning habanenemas] > > > > > > That's a waste of good habaneros, since they would taste so nice going > > > in the other end. > > > > They'll burn both ends that way. > > > > I like spicy food. I donut understand "painfully spicy". > > Habaneros are worse than painful. Habaneros make pain look > > like fun. > > Well, endorphins ARE pain turned into fun. Chomping on habs is a lot > quicker route to that endorphin rush (hotsauce trademark FNARR!) than, > say, running 10k. Yep! Eating peppers is the third or fourth quickest way to an endorphin rush. If colors are shimmering, you're 90% there. When that tingly, floaty full-body feeling sets in that's when you know the food is properly seasoned and that you're going to need dessert to arrive during the magic time so that you can take that trip through the banana mountain. On the other hand, I'm told eating a few teaspoons of nutmeg will get you even higher, for a whole week, if you don't mind the constant projectile vomiting. Apparently ordinary nutmeg is an incredibly powerful hallucinogen with side effects worse than being punched in the stomach continuously for a week while watching the 168-hour Evil Director's Cut of "Baby Geniuses 2". Oh, and also, the vomit you'll be spewing will be indistinguishable from supermarket egg nog. > I remember my first habanero. I had no idea what the heck it was but > that didn't stop my Inner Texan from overriding my best judgement: > "Here-gimme dat-there's no chile pepper that I can't handle" chest; chomps pepper off clean at the stem and begins to chew> > The slack-jawed amazement of the onlookers was the only reward I got for > such macho tomfoolery. I kept my stoic "nuttin' to it" composure until > all involved had left the room. > Good times... Of course, the thing about habaneros is that it's easy to cheat if you just want to impress your friends -- a habanero that's been sitting around a while will gradually weaken as it dissolves its own tender flesh. My first habanero was one of those (from the supermarket) and I was quite disappointed. Do you think they could cross-breed hot peppers with electric eels to create an electric pepper? (You could ripen it in a jar of neon.) -- K. How come there's no breakfast cereal with red pepper in it? The name would be so obvious -- "Count Cholula". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Just found the group Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 22:03:52 -0500 "Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Of course, the thing about habaneros is that it's easy to cheat if > > you just want to impress your friends -- a habanero that's been sitting > > around a while will gradually weaken as it dissolves its own tender > > flesh. > > Sad & Glad to say, that wasn't the case here. Said hab was picked 2 > hours before it met its demise in my jawbox. I got the full > pharmacological effect, sotos-peak. I salute you, you magnificent tongueless bastard. Eating a whole, fresh habanero is the ultimate in self-inflicted pain unless movies with talking babies count. I don't go that far, I just do spoonfuls of mashed habaneros -- eating a whole one would probably have me rolling around on the floor drooling for about half an hour. Was it a big one or a little one? With most hot peppers, the little ones seem to have more capsaicin per unit volume (I think maybe baby peppers are born with all the capsaicin they'll ever have and it just spreads out as they grow) but I don't have enough experience with habaneros to know if they also become less heat-dense as they grow. Of course since you were eating the whole pepper the only difference this would make is that it would give you more roughage to help scrape the capsaicin off your tongue as you chewed. > > My first habanero was one of those (from the supermarket) and I was quite > > disappointed. > > There are the Aji Dulce Imitation Habs For Purentee Wussies, result of > the evil food scientists breeding all of the capsaicin out of perfectly > good habs. They do retain the nice fruity tang (FNARR when ready, > Gridley) of the Real Thing but have zilcheroo heatwise. The thing that most bugs me about the supermarket habaneros (besides that they're usually flavorless and rotten and not hot and extremely rancid) is that they're such a lame pale green color, not the exciting fire-engine red of the ones that go into my favorite hot sauces. Pale green suggests things which are innocent and sweet, like celery. I consider celery a form of candy. Cream of celery soup plus habanero sauce is a great combination. -- K. I was disappointed that I went to the best Japanese grocery store in the area yesterday, and they had neither fresh perilla leaves ("ohba", aka "beef leaves") nor pickled perilla bits. Now what am I supposed to do to find bitter vegetables? Dig up Groucho Marx? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Just found the group Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 22:17:14 -0500 "Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I salute you, you magnificent tongueless bastard. Eating a whole, fresh > > habanero is the ultimate in self-inflicted pain unless movies with > > talking babies count. I don't go that far, I just do spoonfuls of > > mashed habaneros -- eating a whole one would probably have me rolling > > around on the floor drooling for about half an hour. > > Yep, that was about what it was like - imagine unhooking the 220volt > line from behind the stove and havin' a suck on it... There's 220 volts back there? Cool! I'm going to go have a suck on it right now... hey, my stove's wires are full of stinky fart gas! Some smelly fish has stolen my electricity! > [...] > > It was a medium-sized orange jobber. Nice and crunchy, too. Up until > then, my maximum scoville dose was from the chile pequins which a vato > friend of mine used to eat like peanuts. A tall boy Bud, a bowl of dried > peppers and the TV on HBO-recipe for a wonderful evening. I've never had a pequin, but my understanding is that they're a little hotter than habaneros according to Scoville (but of course they're teeny.) I don't think I've ever seen pequins for sale in Boston, otherwise I'd definitely try one. > The Red Savina super habs are still a bit rare-excepting when they're in > season at your local farmer's market. Supermarkets (especially up > northward) tend to throw out more habs than they sell. Hey, I've worked in a supermarket, so I know you're wrong -- supermarkets never throw out anything, ever. Even if it has so much fuzz growing on it that nobody will ever buy it, it'll just become part of their deli's chicken pot pies, which also sit around until they have new fuzz growing on them. (The main reason every supermarket sells stuff like Jamaican beef patties is that they will _not_ throw out expired ground beef. It's gotta go somewhere.) > Habaneros are really easy to grow and one plant will furnish a normal > household with an ample supply of torment. You, my leader, may need > two or three. Yeah, I know, I've read the picture book "Daddy's House Of Torment Has Two Habanero Plants". > Oh, and they're quite pretty as plants go. The last pepper plants I tried growing were okra, which I really enjoyed because they grew very fast and got those interesting little jewel-like spherical resin drops all over the leaves. But only one plant ever produced a pod and a green caterpillar ate it. > > Pale green suggests things which are innocent and sweet, like celery. > > I consider celery a form of candy. > > Then there's that pale green wasabi paste, not to be confused with > guacamole. One of the Japanese markets here sells tubes of some sort of paste which is made from the ingredients "green pepper" and "lemon". The label shows a picture of long skinny green hot peppers, but it tastes more like green peppercorns mashed up with pickled lemon. It's not very hot, but it's one of my favorite condiments, and it does have that candy-like quality that all the best condiments do. > > I was disappointed that I went > > to the best Japanese grocery > > store in the area yesterday, > > and they had neither fresh > > perilla leaves ("ohba", aka > > "beef leaves") nor pickled > > perilla bits. Now what am I > > supposed to do to find bitter > > vegetables? Dig up Groucho > > Marx? > > Hmmm-you may want to search nurseries rather than the Asian marts. > Perilla is also fairly easy to grow and is much better when fresh. It > even is available in many fancy colors! If by "easy to grow" you mean "easy to grow if your plantation has extra slaves so you won't mind some of them becoming useless after their hands are covered with blisters from harvesting the perilla." Perilla farmers get terrible dermatitis because if you handle the plant enough, its contact poison contacts you. and STOP TOUCHING MY FORMATTING!!! GO TOUCH PERILLA INSTEAD!!! -- K. The Japanese stores all stopped carrying the habanero-flavored potato rings I liked, the ones with the really cute Satanic pepper on the package. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Actually disturibing ads for Halloween Date: Sun, 30 Oct 2005 19:28:01 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > In 1987 the Austrian Government screened their now infamous "Grim Reaper > goes bowling" AIDS public information campaign. It scared the snot out of > me and ruined the Karate Kid for me forever. Why, had you been dating him until then? > Also for the rest of primary school I was terrorised by the other kids > who found pictures of the grim reaper used in the ad (it's still scary > for me to look at.) I think grim reapers are pretty cool. Seeing them always cheers me up. It's always nice to see someone who cares so much about doing their job well. -- K. Do you think they're hiring? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Actually disturibing ads for Halloween Date: Sun, 30 Oct 2005 23:49:53 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think grim reapers are pretty cool. [...] Do you think they're hiring? > > I just spent the evening repeatedly sticking a screwdriver into > someone's eyes. Maybe I should apply too. Hey, hey, don't unroll that spaghetti without showing me that big meatball! I want to know more about the person, vent figure, or clown-shaped balloon inflation machine you were jabbing with the screwdriver, and what they did to deserve it, and whether you let them have a cookie before you did the second eye or made them wait until afterwards. Also the whole newsgroup wants to know more about the type of screwdriver so we'll know whether your new nickname will be "Phillips", "Flathead", or "Torx". -- K. "Nurse Ratchet"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Actually disturibing ads for Halloween Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 22:13:19 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I want to know more about the person, vent figure, or clown-shaped balloon > > inflation machine you were jabbing with the screwdriver, and what they did > > to deserve it, and whether you let them have a cookie before you did the > > second eye or made them wait until afterwards. > > It was just a pack of cards, as Alice might say. I've never understood why a stack of cards is called a "deck". It's not as if you look sane if you put on a sailor suit and swab that deck, whether you use a mop or a Q-Tip. By the way, does _anyone_ think traditional sailor suits look cool and not just ridiculous? Sailors should switch to something more modern with smaller bell-bottoms, like first-season "Space: 1999" uniforms. > A friend and I were making 100 masks of Richard Thompson, preparatory > to going to his show on Halloween night. I was using the screwdriver > to make the eye holes. Who's Dick Thompson? The forgotten member of "Kids In The Hall" who was kicked out for being too gay? Or just someone whose poetry slam you were preparing to heckle? > Before his performance, we distributed the masks to members of the > audience near the stage. We all raised them at a prearranged point in > the show, and the lights were briefly brightened so those on stage > could see them. It seemed to have a suitably surprising and > disturbing effect. Can't say he liked it (though his bass player and > road manager and the audience and venue staff did). It wasn't trick > or treat, exactly--we played a trick, and he played a treat. I just realized that if Stanislaw Lem ever builds that machine that destroys the letter "r", people are going to be saying "Tick or teat!", except without the "or" part, unless the machine skips even-numbered "r"s, but that would be silly, so it would probably be "Tick o' teat!" > Before we got home, a picture was up on his Web site, courtesy of one > of the staff and the road manager: > > http://www.richardthompson-music.com/catch_of_the_day.asp?id=492 > > I don't know any of the people in that picture. I was sitting at the > other end of the audience. I still have no idea who you're talking about, though I never trust anyone with a flat stick for a neck. I demand round sticks for properly pencil-necked people. -- K. And what's a poetry slam? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Actually disturibing ads for Halloween Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 21:56:29 -0500 Dave Brown (dagbrown@LART.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And what's a poetry slam? > > I'm not so sure, but I gather from a friend of mine who takes part > in these things, that they're a sort of competitive-poetry event. Competitive poetry? Sheesh, those hippies and beatniks had to ruin poetry with their competitiveness. I bet they're also going to have "Zen To The Death!" meditation battles (like in "Scanners"!) and contests to see who can inhale the most patchouli oil. > She was once asked politely if she could maybe not use such > *overpowering* poetry at future poetry slams, which leads to some > interesting mental images indeed. That's just snuff porn with a "y" on the end of every line. -- K. Y? Because we love you to death. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Actually disturibing ads for Halloween Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 21:53:12 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Sailors should switch to something more modern with smaller > > bell-bottoms, like first-season "Space: 1999" uniforms. > > In Futuristic Uniforms, do the buttons get turned into sliding scales? > Loading bars? Simple touch-sensitive surfaces? I need to know, I have > a robot maid to repair... Sheesh, you didn't watch enough TV in the 1970's. I thought everyone knew exactly what Rudi Gernreich's "Space: 1999" costumes looked like. (Technically, he was credited as designing "Moon City costumes", as apparently Barbara Bain coaxed him into designing her outfit before they'd nailed down Moonbase Alpha's name.) The normal "Space: 1999" costume in the first season (unisex -- for the second-season they added a skirt version for the space chicks) was a beige turtleneck with beige bell-bottoms, with white go-go boots and a very wide gold belt worn over the untucked shirt. Each shirt was solid beige except that the collar and left sleeve were color-coded (black for command, white for medical, rust for administrative, yellow for astronauts, purple for security, etc.) with a very large, lumpy, uncomfortable zipper running the length of the one colored sleeve. (Of course the turtlenecks had zippers, because even in the futuristic year of 1999 they didn't have the technology to fit Barbara Bain's hair through a neck-hole.) So, anyway, the combination of the Moon's low gravity and the Moon's disco soundtrack led to lots of bellbottom-flappin' action during chase scenes. Science has not yet determined what sort of futuristic underwear they had under the bellbottoms, but since it was Rudi Gernreich, I imagine it was something made from transparent plastic with large holes in it. The discotronically fab costumes by Rudi Gernreich were the part of the "Space: 1999" production design that wasn't copied from Kubrick's "2001", which is good because it left something for Regis Philbin to rip off in 2001, when he started a brief fad for wearing a brown tie with a brown shirt and a brown suit. That's how the people on the moonbase in "2001" dressed, as blandly as possible. Anyway, the reason I specified first-season "Space: 1999" uniforms was because in the second season they made the uniforms look much less attractive by adding pinstripes which were wholly inappropriate for designs with such large areas of solid color, and then slapped on silly photo-ID badges (just in case aliens chose to impersonate any of them and only had the technology to make costumes but not badges -- remember the episode where they spot Martin Landau's evil backwards twin because the aliens didn't know how to change the part in his hair?) as well as some other goofy gigantic insignia, such as the enormous "LSAO" coaster glued to Zienia Merton. By the third season, they would've been wearing plaid covered with Rickie Tickie Stickies and Wacky Packages. So anyway, the normal reaction to early "Space: 1999" episodes is, "Hmm, they had some fashionable discowear amid all the total crap!" That's why we should keep those original "Space: 1999" uniforms alive by making our nation's sailors wear them, so they'll be ready for the next Bicentennial. You young whippersnappers don't remember the horror of the Bicentennial, an entire year when the USA decided to pretend its IQ was really low. It was like Y2K but sappy. Everyone was all "YAY, IT'S 1976 ALL YEAR, THAT MEANS I SHOULD DRESS LIKE WONDER WOMAN! SPARKLERS FOR EVERYONE!" It was the year the country chose to act like it was stoned, even when it wasn't, and you better believe most of the people who were enjoying "Space: 1999" were stoned. -- K. Other "Space: 1999" costumes you might consider next Halloween: 1. Brian Blessed in "The Metamorph". You'll need to buy several cans of pink Play-Doh to do your hair. 2. Martin Landau's silver suit in whatever that episode was where he had to talk to the alien that was so bright that it kills you if you can see it or hear it so he had to go yell at it while in this suit that made him deaf and blind. 3. Christopher Lee in that episode where you see his wig fall off in a take they actually used. That's also the episode where one of the frozen aliens sits upright in the middle of another take they used. Hey, it's not a blooper if they didn't cut it out! 4. Any of the whip-wielding catsuited high-heeled dominatrixes in the episode that didn't need to have a plot because it had whip-wielding cautsuited high-heeled dominatrixed. 5. Rita Webb, credited with playing "Slatternly Woman" in "The Taybor". 6. Any of the Judges Of Luton, who were a still picture of three trees. And yet all three gave better performances than Martin Landau. That series was a never-ending parade of bad Halloween costume ideas, until it ended. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Actually disturibing ads for Halloween Date: Mon, 31 Oct 2005 07:39:23 -0500 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think grim reapers are pretty cool. [...] Do you think they're hiring? > > Do they supply the uniform? THIS... ISN'T... A... UNIFORM! THIS... IS... WHAT... USED... TO... BE... MY FUH-LESH!!!! ALSO THAT'S NOT A SCYTHE! AND THE STEERING WHEEL IS JUST FOR MY OWN AMUSEMENT! THIS IS MY SCYTHE, THIS IS MY WHEEL! THIS IS FOR REAPIN', THIS IS FOR FUN! WHY ARE WE SHOUTING? YOU BETTER STOP SHOUTING IF YOU WANT ME TO STOP SHOUTING!!! -- k. THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM! YOU ARE NOW DEAD! HA HA, THIS RECORDING OUTLIVED YOU ALL! I'M ARTHUR GODFREY! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My blindfold smells Date: Mon, 31 Oct 2005 05:50:51 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > There was a Heineken promotion at the pub on Saturday night, so I bought > one for one of the bar staff so the Heineken ladies would talk to me. Do they do the thing where they give you something like a cigarette lighter if you tell them what brand you smoke and allow them to scan your driver's license and sign over your power of attorney and take off your clothes and cough? Last night at the club they were giving out Marlboro lighters and those flashing Bacardi useless objects, whatever they are. Also their warped pool table just got new felt, which says "BACARDI" in giant letters so now the balls move in curves across an ad instead of across a bunch of scary stains. Only thing I took home Saturday night was a bunch of the polyester cobwebs they'd strung up overhead. That's what I get for being taller than everyone except the drag queens. > In the 'travel pack' I got there is a sleeping mask/blindfold, They give those out at your bar? Wow, kinky. Either that or your place just has a lot of ugly drunks. > but when I tried to use it to go to sleep at 6am on Sunday it > smelled too bad for me to use. I call dibs on _not_ writing the story "The Adventures Of Tim And The Smelly Blindfold". Okay, now everyone else has to write that story. Begin. > Also I could use it to keep the sunlight out from my matchstick > blinds if I have a headache (the other blind fell down not long > after I moved in and I can't get it back up.) ...naah, too easy. Especially with NEW SUPER-IMPROVED KONTEXT-AWAY WITH THE POWER TO DELETE ALL BUT THE LAST SIX WORDS OF ANY PARAGRAPH! > Could anyone recommend any good blindfolds that don't give you a headache? > Non-leather would be fine, thanks. You want the kind that have the two straps (one above the ears, one below the ears) since that keeps them from pushing directly against your eyelids. The four-dollar ones from the drugstore (spandex with a crinkly inner layer, possibly nougatine) are really just as good as any other if you want to nap. I wouldn't be surprised if that's the sort of thing they gave you, though drugstore ones usually just smell like the drugstore instead of whatever your smelly Heineken lady smelled like. Have you considered taping aluminum foil over the windows? Or, for maximum efficiency, save foil by just taping it over your eyeballs. -- K. Considered a roller shade? Curtains? Turning the bed? Not being a vampire? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I bricked it. Date: Mon, 31 Oct 2005 06:53:10 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > I shut down my computer yesterday, and now it won't turn back on. Serves you right for buying one of those computers with the secret new Government-installed chip that makes your computer be too smart to let you play video games on it. Somewhere during that final game of "Discs Of Tron", your computer had had enough and made the rational decision to self-terminate for the good of society. And don't try getting another computer because it transmitted a wireless signal to all other copies of the secret Government chip to ensure that nobody else can ever play "Discs Of Tron" ever again. Way to ruin it for everyone, Nick. > To be specific, the power button doesn't work. I can turn it off by > unplugging the power supply, and I can turn all the fans and hard > drives on by plugging the power supply back in, most of the time. Whatever you do, don't try to repair it by stopping the fan by sticking a pair of metal scissors in between the fan blades that are right in front of the big power transformer that will blow up when the scissors touch it. It must have been really late at night when I tried that because you better believe I normally know the rules about how electricity interacts with the human body. > The only weird behavior leading up to this was when I tried booting > it up with the iPod Shuffle plugged in -- it wouldn't get all the > way through the BIOS boot until I unplugged it. That doesn't matter > much, because I've been leaving the computer on to do bittorrents. I hate to think what sort of photographs would result if Robert Mapplethorpe were still alive, given how small the iPod Shuffle is. We've reached the point where doctors are going to have to know computer repair and vice versa because soon little Junior won't just get beans stuck in his ears, he'll have a whole iMac in there. "I'm sorry, Mr. Krunderson, I can't turn in my homework because I can't reach my computer's reset button because my fingers won't go into my nose that far!" > The DVD-ROM won't even eject. At least not all the way. If I > press the eject button immediately after plugging in the computer, > it ejects about halfway and then stops. That's spooky. Oh no! Now you'll only be able to return half of that DVD of "Baby Geniuses 2" to Blockbuster! (I hope it's the half that eats, though really, does that movie even have a half that doesn't shit?) > I tried turning it back on with all my USB devices unplugged, and > with all my hard drives unplugged. Still nothing. I never get > a video signal. > > My local friends are stumped, so I may, for the first time ever, > take my computer in to be serviced by a professional. Why bother when you can just ask us to read you the standard tech-support script? STEP 1: Check to see if the computer's plugged in because if you bothered calling tech support you must be an idiot. STEP 2: Completely erase the hard drive and install a newer, more expensive version of the operating system. STEP 3: I am terminating this call now because we have not yet received your registration card for the new operating system. CLICK. > I don't think I'll be buying a new one; I just bought a new nForce > motherboard and an Athlon processor, the exact configuration of > which I've kind of forgotten. > > Fortunately, I have an iBook with which to feed the dragon for a while. ...if little Junior doesn't eat it first. -- K. How tech support could be more annoying: "Sounds like your computer's got a case of the brokesies!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: HOLLOWEEN!! Which is Worse? Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 00:16:51 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote: > > GarondoMarondo@hotmail.com wrote: > > > > The person that gives out the sugar free candy, or the one that hands > > out Slim-Fast bars? > > > > I'm ignoring pennies and coupons. > > Whoa, I wackyparsed that as nevermind. Slim-Fast bars are relatively expensive, aren't they? Therefore it's impossible to completely dislike them. It's even harder to dislike them for those of us who aren't fatsos. I like to give out expired Easter bunnies. But I paint skulls on them to make them more Halloweeny. > Anyway, the worst I saw this year was orange-flavored Kit-Kats. > That stuff was made out of pure 100% radioactive AAAAAAUUUUGH!!! Hey, stop staring at my costume. Also, it's not a costume! It's my _normal_ clothing! STOP STARING AT MY INCREDIBLE NORMALNESS! > Thumbs down to orange-flavored Kit-Kats. What if they were still orange-flavored, but were the Canadian version of Kit-Kits with the wrapper that got stuck in 1956? What if every one had a dollar bill wrapped around it? What if a Canadian dollar was real money? When I was a kid, of course I was exposed to the standard lectures about not taking unwrapped candy because of evil dope addicts hiding their used syringes and antique single-bladed razors inside apples, 'cause everyone knew you couldn't unwrap a Hershey bar, do something evil to it, and then fold the paper around it again. (For more details, see the Halloween episode of "Freaks & Geeks".) Anyway, there was this one cheap old woman down the street who always gave out homemade popcorn balls. But this was okay because nobody wanted to eat them anyway. That's not candy, that's biodegradable packing peanuts! So how many of you guys would change costumes halfway through the evening to go back to the houses that had the best candy? And did any of you live in neighborhoods where _all_ the houses had bad candy? -- K. Thankfully, now the Super 88 Supermarket exists so you can get bad candy whenever you want some! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What Ghost matrin wake avoid LPE math Followup-To: alt.fan.pooh Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 00:37:19 -0500 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > The fascist methods of the usa are " If he shoe fits ,,wear it " > Ha HA Hanson ...I started that . > I had to stop and look at the gps plotter when I sat down to remeber > what sea I was in.. > went down to the arcade room ..the kids got a race simuator thats > fucking ausome. > remeber the 3 inch slot cars from the 70s .. > these are about 5 inch and have a cam looking forward and you do drive > these and steer them around then recharge evry 25 laps by changing the > power pack as quick as you can . > [...] > As long asthe vurtual pool table stays I dont care ..that pool table > belongs in the smithsonia some day . no real balls and magnetic pool > sticks . push a button and its racked. > Its just more fun then a real ball table. > I think that table was a insane 1/2 mil. > [...] > the 4d phone booth is 3d on all 4 sides chagiing holograms ,,the 3 > coolest things in the room . Dear Pee-Wee Herman, Please tell us more about the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit in the imaginary yacht in the sea of balls in your brain. You deserve The Nobel Prize For Pretending To Have Fun Toys. Of course, it's a very special version of the Nobel Prize. It comes in an empty box. You get to choose whether to believe it's just invisible, or your mommy stole it. Also, please tell us more about your imaginary children. How much older than you are they? -- K. So how often do you have to go to the doctor with a virtual pool ball stuck in your mouth? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (new): Homeless Einstein Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 02:52:00 -0500 Homeless Einstein Copyright (c) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry At the Institute For The Institution Of Science, Einstein looked through his microscope at a very complicated equation and suddenly a thought struck him. "Homeless people sure dress tacky!" He adjusted the one sock he'd remembered to put on that morning and went back to work. But one of the many homeless people who had bought tickets to tour the Institute overheard him. The man tapped Einstein on the shoulder and said, "Hey, you shouldn't mock the homeless -- you don't know what it's like to be homeless." A little imaginary light bulb went on inside Einstein's brain. He ignored the light bulb because he knew it probably wasn't real, and then the thought wound its way through his brain: He should become homeless so that it would be okay for him to mock the homeless! To prepare for his new career as a hilarious standup comedian specializing in mocking poverty, he put on his most comedic bow tie, clenched his left hand around a golf putter, and destroyed his home by setting off a bomb that filled it with horse mucus until it popped. Einstein found a plastic Slurpee cup on the ground, and he had two pennies in his pocket, so he put the pennies in the cup and started working at earning serious income by aggressively shaking the cup in the face of everyone who walked past. He soon found that he had to shake the cup really hard within three inches of their nose, otherwise they would simply ignore him instead of pointedly ignoring him. Eventually a passing altruist gave Einstein a penny, because it was dirty (earlier his dog had eaten and passed it.) Einstein looked at the three pennies in his cup. "Hooray! Now I can get myself a swanky three-penny brunch!" He spent the money on a pizza with eight toppings, all of which were different types of imported sausage. After eating, he went back to work shaking his cup at people, but something was wrong! Because the cup was empty, it didn't make any loud noises, ruining his chances to annoy people enough to throw their money at him! He realized that with no money in his cup, he would never be able to get any money, so he threw the cup away. Then he spotted a quarter on the ground, but he didn't pick it up because he had no place to put it. Einstein cried! After that, he went home, because he didn't really blow it up. I lied. But I lied for a valid social purpose: To teach the world that EINSTEIN IS NOT HOMELESS. the end -- K. I hope I never become homeless, because then I'd have to carry my cable TV cable around all day. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KIBO Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 21:19:16 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > Also, have you heard of a chili pepper extract called "The Source" at > 7.1 MILLION Scoville units? Hottest thing on the planet, they say. Yes, I've heard of it, I've had it, I said "eh." _Every_ uninteresting hot sauce claims to be the hottest one ever, including both the ones well above and well below 7 million. As I've said many times, any hot sauce whose entire marketing campaign is based on claiming it's really hot is awful. It's like saying "Watch our sitcom because it's louder than any other!" All super-hot sauces taste exactly the same, since they're all made from the same chemical. Any sauce which claims to be hotter than a chili pepper itself is going to consist of capsaicin plus bozotic marketing. Does this brand A block of 7 million pounds of saccharin taste sweeter than this brand B block of 6 million pounds of saccharin? Who cares? I'd rather have actual sugar on my doughnut. > Two drops (they also say) will overheat a 15 gallon vat of chili. ...if it's chili for babies. Think of it this way: If it really is about 2000 times hotter than Tabasco, that would be equivalent to 2000 drops of Tabasco in 15 gallons of chili. Tabasco.com says there are 60 drops per teaspoon, 720 drops per 2-ounce bottle. So that's three bottles of Tabasco. As there are approximately 15 bowls of chili per gallon, you're adding those 2000 drops of Tabasco to 225 servings of chili -- we're talking nine drops of Tabasco per bowl. That's not what I would call tremendously hot. It is, however, a tremendous waste of money to buy any of these things that, when diluted, won't even have as much pepper flavor as a few drops from a 69c bottle of generic red pepper sauce from the supermarket. These fifteen-zillion-Scoville distilled capsaicin extracts have no real-world applications unless you're willing to pay through the nose for the ability to add heat without accidentally adding any vegetable matter. > I sawr it on the colour tee vee, so it must be true. Nuh-uh. Black and white TV is less likely to lie, except when women are wearing light blue unitards. Radio is even less likely to lie, which is why everybody in the United States believed Orson Welles when he said the Martians had destroyed the whole world except for the radio station and the house of the listener. Really, everyone in the USA believed that. ...or so everyone believes. -- K. All, each of them thinks they're the only one who knows that the Weekly World News is just a newspaper and not a documentary. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Juicy Exploding Bees" or "Exploding Juicy Bees"? Date: Thu, 03 Nov 2005 00:26:45 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > I saw a sign for a new type of candy that has the words "exploding" > > "juicy" and "bees" in the title. > > "Exploding Juicy Bees" has better cadence. > > I mean, the song practically writes itself. > > Bees, Bees, Candy Bees, Juicy Candy Bees; > Stingy happy goodness, > Exploding Juicy Bees! > > Free epi-pen with 5 box tops! And how is this better than Bee In A Bubble gum, which has been on the market for years under the name "Hubba Bubba"? Oh, wait, those weren't bees, they were spider eggs. Never mind. > > http://photos.timchuma.com/kibology/BurstingBees.jpg I think the important thing is that Explojuicing Judybees -- or whatever your weird new Australian candy is called -- is the first candy to be advertised by gayer-than-usual honeybees with pink stripes. Pay particular attention to the psychotic facial expression on the bee that has a blob of "WITH OOZEY LIQUID CENTRES!" splattering out from where his stinger would be if he had a stinger instead of an anus that squirts out purple blobs of advertising. By the way, I can't find the words "Exploding" or "Juicy" anywhere in the name of the candy in that photo, unless they're in really tiny print between "Bursting" and "Bees". Your friends at Nestle' Australia make both Bursting Bees and Bursting Bull Ants. Those candies are sponsoring "NZ Idol" this season, a TV show I hope to never see even if they do an American version of it. [www.nestle.com.au] -> -> ALLEN'S BURSTING Bees and ALLEN'S BURSTING Bull Ants can be -> found in the Family Bag section of the Confectionery aisle -> of your supermarket or at any leading retailer. Is a Family Bag bigger than an Obvious Bag? And ooh-la-de-da, Mr. Fancy Australian Candy Company, it's "confectionery", not "candy". I bet these people also call the local playground jungle gym a "climbing structure" like the foncy-ponces in Cambridge. Maybe "jungle gym" is offensive to rainforest natives named Jim and "monkey bars" is offensive to Capucin monks. Hey, that's an idea -- how about a candy called "monkey bars"? "Monkey Bars: They'll Split Your Head Open!" -- K. And what about Bee Bomb Banana Bars? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Best costume I saw on Hallowe'en (pre-school division) Date: Thu, 03 Nov 2005 19:48:35 -0500 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > Granted, mine is a pretty small sample, since we don't get all that many > kids coming down our block. Don't know if it's the faint streetlights, > vicious small dogs, or the giant chunks of plutonium sticking out of > people's front yards. Science does not permit "don't know" as an answer. Scientific law says you must do the experiment. Upgrade to bigger dogs and see whether you encounter fewer whole children. > Anyway, at one point on Halloween night, the missus and I were > distributing candy on our doorstep to a small group of kidlings. We > usually like to get the little ones to talk about their costumes, which > they do, even though it cuts down on the time they could be spending > increasing their candy income. I can just picture you dangling an Ultra Fun Size Zagnut above some little kid's head and saying "If you want candy, tell me MORE! MORE! You will confess your costume's secrets or no Zagnut for you!" By the way, I have a list of 50,000 rejected names for the Zagnut bar, but I'm not going to post it because they're all silly. > One little boy, about 4 or 5, sported a small red cape and a gold > party hat. When prompted, he replied: "I'm a superhero king!" > > I think I'd be hard-pressed to come up with a more definitive and > broad-based scope of authoritative powers than that. A small red cape, a gold party hat, and a little steering wheel sticking out of his fly. Then he would not only be definitive and authoritarian but also the world's best punchline to any joke. "So this guy is dying of cancer, and before he dies, his last wish is to have a real Bavarian cream pie. He visits the local bakeries and none of their pies tastes just right. So he charters a plane and flies to Bavaria. While landing, his plane is struck by lightning and crashes. He crawls out of the flaming wreckage, and barely manages to drag himself into the nearest restaurant, and orders a slice of Bavarian cream pie. The waitress says 'We're out of Bavarian cream pie', so he says, 'ARRR, IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!'" See? It works with any joke, especially if you've got super powers. Just watch out for the Riddler, because he tells Super Riddles that you can only figure out by having brain damage. -- K. Short shameful confession: The first time I read your account, my brain thought you said "a small red cape and a gold panty cat", and that's just as disturbing as that James Bond movie where Archimedes Plutonium gilded Panty Cat. In fact, it _was_ that movie. I shouldn't have stayed in the Bond Movie Of The Month Club for ten years. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Lots42's Hint For Dealing With Life Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 04:07:06 -0500 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > Hint #1: Always set up near the restrooms. Because people gotta pee. Didn't I see you at the Folsom Street Fair? -- K. How do people flush you? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: One day in Grenoble Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 22:00:08 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > In retrospect, maybe bringing a severed head to the opera was not such > a good idea. [...] Dammit, man, that's not a good idea, that's a great idea! How could anyone even consider going to a hoity-toity opera without bringing something to throw at the fat lady? I say, SEVERED HEADS FOR ALL! VOTE FOR ME FOR PRESIDENT AND THERE WILL BE A SEVERED HEAD AT EVERY OPERA! (This is one of those days when I speak entirely in bumper stickers.) -- K. Dammit, why won't anyone X-ray my brain for free so I can have proof that I'm this way for a good reason? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Questionable Graphic Design Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 22:24:13 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Go here now: > > http://www.jimfg.com/images/Wwlogo.gif > > I saw the above logo on a horse trailer recently. Now maybe it's just me, > but does it not look like hands flashing some very metal devil horns over > someone who's bent over and showing their li'l brown starfish? If you hadn't said that was on a horse trailer, I wouldn't have known what it was. Actually, I still don't know what it is, but I can pretend I do because it's got to be something about two branding irons searing a horse who is already cursed with a square anus. "We brand your square-anused horse, in stereo!" You didn't mention the same folks' other equally awesome logo: http://www.jimfg.com/Ji2.GIF Equilateral triangles are such a design cliche', so they worked hard to make that one be so scalene. 'Cause pyramids that are symmetrical are _so_ 5,000 years ago. They manufacture a truck bed called a "Rough Ryder", which makes me imagine a porno movie where Darren McGavin keeps saying "You'll shoot your eye out!" Anyway, if you folks like bad graphic art, I'll have to sneak a photo of the attempt at a "NO PARKING!" sign inside the lobby of my building. The fact that nobody ever tried parking inside the lobby takes a back seat to the bizarre layout of this one. -- K. It's actually more of a NO NO PARKING PARKING sign. I'm guessing the layout program was Microsoft Word. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sequels that are betterer Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 22:47:26 -0500 "Otto Bahn" (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Between the gay butch police chief and all those > shots of Mel Gibson's butt, Rocky Horror ain't got > nothing on Mad Max. Not to mention the gay bikers. > Those movies are disturbing on several levels. > Apparently food and water are not important -- a > single can of dog food will get you through an > entire movie. But "Flash Gordon" didn't have any dog food. Or did I miss something? I think you need to rent "Hell's Angels '69" 'cause Terry The Tramp is more charming than all the "Mad Max" bikers put together. Bigger, too. Also, check out "The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr. T". > [...] Plus you can survival multiple high speed > car crashes, and even lay down a bike at high speed. > Uh-uh. My boss the ex cop once told me about a > lady who slipped off the back of motorcycle. She > had a miserable last hour or two. You want to see ridiculous motorcycle stunts, see the pathetic "Mission: Impossible 2". There's that scene where Tom Cruise wants to hide from the bad guys who are shooting at him, so he gets off his bike and slides along in a crouch beside it (while it remains upright) without being hurt by any of the sparks shooting out of his shoes. Do you think John Woo might be even dumber than, say, Tom Cruise? The movie also lets you make a different actor's voice come out of your mouth whenever you put a sticker on your Adam's apple. I heard that in one of the out-takes Tom Cruise mistakenly used a Hello Kitty sticker and went around frantically waving his arms to try to communicate "I HAVE NO MOUTH AND MUST SCREAM!" > I'll concede that shotguns are wonderful toys. They > got that part right. So what other sequels are better > than the original? "Star Wars: Episode III" and "Episode IV" are better than the original "Episode I". I'm so glad they left Jar Jar out of the three newest movies, except for that tiny glimpse of him sneaking into the restroom to smoke dope in the Mos Eisley cantina. It's also good that after "Episode III", they chose to make Darth Vader a lot taller than he was in "Episode III". The new guy is much more imposing than that old Hayden Christensen guy. Why did they have to replace Hayden Christensen? Did he die back in the '70s? My favorite moment in any of the recent "Star Wars" movies is when Greedo fires his pistol at that new Han Solo guy, but the beam stops for a moment in mid-air, giving Han time to remove his upper torso and put it to one side before the beam resumes moving and misses him so he can then shoot back because Han is such a softie that he always lets people shoot at him first, just to be sporting. Plus then he gets to show off his super-powers to pick up parts of his body and slide them around. I'm just happy that in the newest movie, they explain that Boba Fett will be digested in the Sarlacc pit for a thousand years, so that means that even if they wait nine hundred years before making "Episode VII", Boba Fett can still climb out and kick everyone's ass. -- K. I can't wait for that new "Star Wars" TV series. I hear it's going to have three Starbucks, two Apollos, a theme song written by Rod Stewart, and you can phone a special 900 number to vote for which star wins the war. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chewy WTF? Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 22:55:49 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > I have wackyparsed this package for YEARS and still do it every time. > > http://users.bestweb.net/~notr/chewy.html > > The text goes sideways up one side and down the other, but the e's on > both sides face almost the same way, so it's unfortunately easy to read > the whole thing sideways. It doesn't help any that the guy in the middle > looks so much like a bacterium. You are not alone, it can _only_ be read as "Chewy e-Coli". You better enjoy those while you can 'cause I heard Apple just sued them for stealing the name of their new bacterium-size music player (it can hold up to a quarter of a song.) I assume that, before drawing that logo, whoever makes these ice cream patties made themselves a big hash brownie. Didn't I see that green guy on "The Altered State of Drugachusettes"? I am now making it my mission in life to show Charles Nelson Reilly that wrapper to hear him say either "Chewy Louie" or "Chewy e-Coli". If he says the right one, I get to advance to the SuperMatch round! In any case, it's always funny to hear him say "Chewy". -- K. Is there anyone in Vermont who isn't stoned? The whole state is like some sort of extremely square hippie commune. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: smartass salsa Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 23:01:25 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Nice palm. I read a great deal of pleasure in your future. > > At my next visit to Taco Bell, months later, it seemed they had > eliminated all the nonsexual sayings, and started giving out > correspondingly fewer sauce packets. My first packet had the saying > quoted above, and the other two continued: > > It's okay . . . you can say it. I love you too. > When I grow up, I want to be a waterbed. I always get the "When I grow up, I want to be a waterbed" one, and it always confuses me because I assume it's just saying that Taco Bell is going to keep making their hot sauce be more like sex in a canoe (fucking close to water.) > I suppose by the time I go back there again next year they will have done > away with the sauce entirely and will just have the people at the counter > offer sexual favors directly to the customers instead. I don't want to know what Mike O. is going to spill on the counter. -- K. You people are perverts.