From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: HOLLOWEEN!! Which is Worse? Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 00:16:51 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote: > > GarondoMarondo@hotmail.com wrote: > > > > The person that gives out the sugar free candy, or the one that hands > > out Slim-Fast bars? > > > > I'm ignoring pennies and coupons. > > Whoa, I wackyparsed that as nevermind. Slim-Fast bars are relatively expensive, aren't they? Therefore it's impossible to completely dislike them. It's even harder to dislike them for those of us who aren't fatsos. I like to give out expired Easter bunnies. But I paint skulls on them to make them more Halloweeny. > Anyway, the worst I saw this year was orange-flavored Kit-Kats. > That stuff was made out of pure 100% radioactive AAAAAAUUUUGH!!! Hey, stop staring at my costume. Also, it's not a costume! It's my _normal_ clothing! STOP STARING AT MY INCREDIBLE NORMALNESS! > Thumbs down to orange-flavored Kit-Kats. What if they were still orange-flavored, but were the Canadian version of Kit-Kits with the wrapper that got stuck in 1956? What if every one had a dollar bill wrapped around it? What if a Canadian dollar was real money? When I was a kid, of course I was exposed to the standard lectures about not taking unwrapped candy because of evil dope addicts hiding their used syringes and antique single-bladed razors inside apples, 'cause everyone knew you couldn't unwrap a Hershey bar, do something evil to it, and then fold the paper around it again. (For more details, see the Halloween episode of "Freaks & Geeks".) Anyway, there was this one cheap old woman down the street who always gave out homemade popcorn balls. But this was okay because nobody wanted to eat them anyway. That's not candy, that's biodegradable packing peanuts! So how many of you guys would change costumes halfway through the evening to go back to the houses that had the best candy? And did any of you live in neighborhoods where _all_ the houses had bad candy? -- K. Thankfully, now the Super 88 Supermarket exists so you can get bad candy whenever you want some! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What Ghost matrin wake avoid LPE math Followup-To: alt.fan.pooh Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 00:37:19 -0500 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > The fascist methods of the usa are " If he shoe fits ,,wear it " > Ha HA Hanson ...I started that . > I had to stop and look at the gps plotter when I sat down to remeber > what sea I was in.. > went down to the arcade room ..the kids got a race simuator thats > fucking ausome. > remeber the 3 inch slot cars from the 70s .. > these are about 5 inch and have a cam looking forward and you do drive > these and steer them around then recharge evry 25 laps by changing the > power pack as quick as you can . > [...] > As long asthe vurtual pool table stays I dont care ..that pool table > belongs in the smithsonia some day . no real balls and magnetic pool > sticks . push a button and its racked. > Its just more fun then a real ball table. > I think that table was a insane 1/2 mil. > [...] > the 4d phone booth is 3d on all 4 sides chagiing holograms ,,the 3 > coolest things in the room . Dear Pee-Wee Herman, Please tell us more about the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit in the imaginary yacht in the sea of balls in your brain. You deserve The Nobel Prize For Pretending To Have Fun Toys. Of course, it's a very special version of the Nobel Prize. It comes in an empty box. You get to choose whether to believe it's just invisible, or your mommy stole it. Also, please tell us more about your imaginary children. How much older than you are they? -- K. So how often do you have to go to the doctor with a virtual pool ball stuck in your mouth? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Even better than an Unidentified White Powder scare! Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 02:51:06 -0500 Earlier I quoted a news story on a strange candy smell that was invading New York City. Here's the New York Times's version. [www.nytimes.com] -> -> Good Smell Perplexes New Yorkers Greatest headline ever! Except it should say "Non-Urine Smell Perplexes New Yorkers". -> By Kareen Fahim -> Published: October 28, 2005 -> -> An unseen, sweet-smelling cloud drifted through parts of Manhattan -> last night. Arturo Padilla walked through it and declared that it -> was awesome. Yeah, but awesomely what? Awesomely good? Awesomely bad? Awesomely indescribable? I declare the smelly cloud to be very. It's extremely very! -> "It's like maple syrup. With Eggos. Or pancakes," he said. "It's -> pleasant." Hmm, "Arturo Padilla" is an odd choice of a cover name for someone who is obviously a Canadian infiltrator whose plot to pass himself off as a loyal American was foiled by our Maple-Syrup-Scented Canadian Detection Bat-Gas. -> The odor had followed Mr. Padilla and his friend along their walk -> in Lower Manhattan, from a dormitory on Fulton Street, to Pace -> University on Spruce Street, and back down again, to where they -> stood now, near a Dunkin' Donuts. Maybe it was from there, he said. -> But it wasn't. -> -> Mr. Padilla was not alone. THE ODOR IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!! (music sting) Then Rod Serling steps out of the cloud of vapor and reassures him that he won't actually get a bullet in the head if he renounces his Canadian citizenship when he wakes up from his RED MAPLE NIGHTMARE. (I never get tired of '50s propaganda films. We should tell our Government to make more of them. It should be a lot easier now that all the Commies are dead, as they won't complain when we make movies about their evil ways.) -> Reports of the syrupy cloud poured in from across Manhattan after -> 9 p.m. Some feared that it was something sinister. Well, duh. In Manhattan, after 9 p.m., everything sinister happens that's possible to happen. If the terrorists had crashed planes into the World Trade Center after 9 p.m., everyone would have just shrugged their shoulders and said "eh." It would have been just one of the millions of horrifying things that happen at night in Manhattan. If you're ever in Manhattan and the sun goes down, you need to immediately find shelter somewhere safe, like one of those nightclubs under Christopher Street, or possibly a White Castle. Just don't eat the weird little burgers, especially if you chose the White Castle. -> There were so many calls that the city's Office of Emergency -> Management coordinated efforts with the Police and Fire -> Departments, the Coast Guard and the City Department of -> Environmental Protection to look into it. What sort of zweeb calls the Coast Guard to report that they smell pancakes? ("Hello, I'd like to report smelling pancakes -- and they smell nautical!") -> By 11 p. m., the search had turned up nothing harmful, according to -> tests of the air. Reports continued to come in from as far north as -> 112th Street shortly before midnight. In Lower Manhattan, where the -> smell had begun to fade, it was back, stronger than before, by 1 a.m. -> -> "We are continuing to sample the air throughout the affected area -> to make sure there's nothing hazardous," said Jarrod Bernstein, an -> emergency management spokesman. "What the actual cause of the smell -> is, we really don't know." Here, let me explain how the entire New York / New Jersey region works: Company has too much rancid pancake syrup on their hands. Environmental-protection laws forbid disposing of rancid pancake syrup in any way. Company hires Lucky Nuccio's trucking company to transport all of the pancake syrup somewhere. During a brief rest stop, the valve on the back of Lucky Nuccio's tanker truck is opened up a little. The mysterious shiny brown stripe along several hundred miles of the Thruway and the Pike and the L.I.E. washes away next time it rains. Company writes off the rancid pancake syrup that spontaneously disappeared in transit. -> There were conflicting accounts as to its nature. A police officer -> who had thrown out her French vanilla coffee earlier compared it to -> that. Two diplomats from the Netherlands disagreed, politely. -> Rieneke Buisman said it smelled like roasted peanuts. Her friend -> Joris Geeven said it reminded him of a Dutch cake called peperkoek, -> though he could not describe that smell. Well, that would be a cake sitting next to a woman who was naked except for a red latex hood, smoking a doobie, while a cop in a "Star Trek" uniform watched, smoking a larger doobie. I know everything about every country. -- K. The wannabe-terrorists who put New York on edge with their gallon bottle of vanillin could crash our whole economy if they ever got some asafetida. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Even better than an Unidentified White Powder scare! Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 21:41:59 -0500 Cam (cam.barr@beer.com) wrote, in an article which crashes my newsreader when I try to post a followup, so this is actually a followup to one of Joe Bay's articles but it was written by Cam: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If you're ever in Manhattan and the sun goes down, you need to > > immediately find shelter somewhere safe, like one of those nightclubs > > under Christopher Street, or possibly a White Castle. Just don't > > eat the weird little burgers, especially if you chose the White Castle. > > The burgers are fine, go ahead and eat them. Just throw away the > pickles, it's the pickles that make you sick. I didn't think the Manhattan White Castles came with pickles. They do come with pickles in Minneapolis and other regions, but if my memory is correct, the crime committed by the New York White Castles is that they give you little packets of ketchup and then also drench your burgers with runny translucent pink corn-syrup-flavored just to render any decision about whether to use the packets pointless. So in New York, you have to specify "no ketchup" even if you want to put good ketchup on. Minneapolis and Detroit never threw icky fake ketchup all over my burgers. Other regional differences are in the chicken sandwiches -- Minneapolis's chicken is a triangle, New York's is a torus, and I'm told Chicago's is a square with a layer of cheez hiddden inside. The New York locations also had fried clams last time I was there, and yes, I actually ate some because I like breading a lot more than I like actual seafood. Mmm, micro-clams! I did have a bottle of some "lime with mint"-flavored beverage from a local health-food store today which tasted exactly like dill pickle juice. It tasted green, bitter, and sour due to a combination of horsetail pulp (WHICH IS NOT LIME NOR MINT) and pineapple juice (WHICH IS NEITHER LIME NOR MINT.) Worst of all they charged me $2.19 for it. That's the sort of price they charge for stuff at Trader Joe's, they shouldn't charge that much at real health-food stores! (Trader Joe's is NOT a health-food store, even though it turns you gay if you shop there.) -- K. I do weird things with my frozen White Castles. For instance, I toast them so the bus are crunchy but the meat's still liquid. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Even better than an Unidentified White Powder scare! Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 02:28:02 -0500 Captain Infinity (Infinity@captaininfinity.us) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I do weird things with my frozen White Castles. > > For instance, I toast them so the bus are > > crunchy but the meat's still liquid. > > I'm gonna call the MBTA and tell them to look out for *you*. The reason I accidentally left the "n" out of "buns" on purpose was merely a clever ploy to detect terrorists whose brilliant plan revolves around them being too dim to tell a bus from a bun. Then, I summon Gene Wilder, who puts on his varsity sweater and becomes Letterman, who can defeat evil by adding letters to it unless he needs an emergency quadruple bypass and Kathie Lee Gifford has to host his show while he's having his chest cut open before he gets back to doing exactly the same stuff night after night after night. Was that painting painted by an elephant or a human? Will I care even less than I did the last fifty times? Geez, go back to picking a lucky number or something. Or cut to an Easy Reader segment. He's outta sight! I heard when Easy Reader took the subway from 125th Street to Park Street Under, he sprained his mouth trying to read "MBTA" as a one-syllable word. Then he got into a boxing match with Bill Cosby and the Cos got so punch-drunk that he made an episode of "Fat Albert" where the moral came out "Never share anything with anyone, ever" instead of "Always share everything with everyone all the time" and also Fat Albert weighed 98 pounds and Mushmouth kept pronouncing "MBTA MBTA MBTA MBTA" clearly. Oh, and that hat with the eyeholes that Donald wears? That's not a hat, that's a polyp. You're welcome! -- K. I don't think you can call the MBTA -- I believe they don't have phones, they just have that Web site where they update the "Which Subway Lines Are Currently At Or Near Schedule" page once a week, so you can find out if any trains have been stuck for a full week. "At or near schedule" is MBTA- speak for "Yeah, might be running, might be broken, why don'cha try to ride it and see." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Even better than an Unidentified White Powder scare! Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 22:03:00 -0500 "Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "At or near schedule" is MBTA- > > speak for "Yeah, might be > > running, > > might be broken, why don'cha try > > to ride it and see." > > Or else he'll ever return > No, he never returned > And his fate is still unlearned > He may ride forever 'neath the streets of BostonĘ > He's the man who never returnedĘ Look, I'm going to forgive your crime of knowing who the Kinston Trio were in light of the fact that you fucked up my formatting worse than if Manley Hubbell ate a nutmeg bigger than his head. Oh, I am so angry. Put my words back in the order I had them sorted in, or I'll use the Eludium Pu-238 Explosive Space Modulator to create a screen-shattering kabewm. -- K. It's amazing that Mel Blanc drew all those cartoons all by himself. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Just found the group Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 22:03:52 -0500 "Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Of course, the thing about habaneros is that it's easy to cheat if > > you just want to impress your friends -- a habanero that's been sitting > > around a while will gradually weaken as it dissolves its own tender > > flesh. > > Sad & Glad to say, that wasn't the case here. Said hab was picked 2 > hours before it met its demise in my jawbox. I got the full > pharmacological effect, sotos-peak. I salute you, you magnificent tongueless bastard. Eating a whole, fresh habanero is the ultimate in self-inflicted pain unless movies with talking babies count. I don't go that far, I just do spoonfuls of mashed habaneros -- eating a whole one would probably have me rolling around on the floor drooling for about half an hour. Was it a big one or a little one? With most hot peppers, the little ones seem to have more capsaicin per unit volume (I think maybe baby peppers are born with all the capsaicin they'll ever have and it just spreads out as they grow) but I don't have enough experience with habaneros to know if they also become less heat-dense as they grow. Of course since you were eating the whole pepper the only difference this would make is that it would give you more roughage to help scrape the capsaicin off your tongue as you chewed. > > My first habanero was one of those (from the supermarket) and I was quite > > disappointed. > > There are the Aji Dulce Imitation Habs For Purentee Wussies, result of > the evil food scientists breeding all of the capsaicin out of perfectly > good habs. They do retain the nice fruity tang (FNARR when ready, > Gridley) of the Real Thing but have zilcheroo heatwise. The thing that most bugs me about the supermarket habaneros (besides that they're usually flavorless and rotten and not hot and extremely rancid) is that they're such a lame pale green color, not the exciting fire-engine red of the ones that go into my favorite hot sauces. Pale green suggests things which are innocent and sweet, like celery. I consider celery a form of candy. Cream of celery soup plus habanero sauce is a great combination. -- K. I was disappointed that I went to the best Japanese grocery store in the area yesterday, and they had neither fresh perilla leaves ("ohba", aka "beef leaves") nor pickled perilla bits. Now what am I supposed to do to find bitter vegetables? Dig up Groucho Marx? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Just found the group Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 22:17:14 -0500 "Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I salute you, you magnificent tongueless bastard. Eating a whole, fresh > > habanero is the ultimate in self-inflicted pain unless movies with > > talking babies count. I don't go that far, I just do spoonfuls of > > mashed habaneros -- eating a whole one would probably have me rolling > > around on the floor drooling for about half an hour. > > Yep, that was about what it was like - imagine unhooking the 220volt > line from behind the stove and havin' a suck on it... There's 220 volts back there? Cool! I'm going to go have a suck on it right now... hey, my stove's wires are full of stinky fart gas! Some smelly fish has stolen my electricity! > [...] > > It was a medium-sized orange jobber. Nice and crunchy, too. Up until > then, my maximum scoville dose was from the chile pequins which a vato > friend of mine used to eat like peanuts. A tall boy Bud, a bowl of dried > peppers and the TV on HBO-recipe for a wonderful evening. I've never had a pequin, but my understanding is that they're a little hotter than habaneros according to Scoville (but of course they're teeny.) I don't think I've ever seen pequins for sale in Boston, otherwise I'd definitely try one. > The Red Savina super habs are still a bit rare-excepting when they're in > season at your local farmer's market. Supermarkets (especially up > northward) tend to throw out more habs than they sell. Hey, I've worked in a supermarket, so I know you're wrong -- supermarkets never throw out anything, ever. Even if it has so much fuzz growing on it that nobody will ever buy it, it'll just become part of their deli's chicken pot pies, which also sit around until they have new fuzz growing on them. (The main reason every supermarket sells stuff like Jamaican beef patties is that they will _not_ throw out expired ground beef. It's gotta go somewhere.) > Habaneros are really easy to grow and one plant will furnish a normal > household with an ample supply of torment. You, my leader, may need > two or three. Yeah, I know, I've read the picture book "Daddy's House Of Torment Has Two Habanero Plants". > Oh, and they're quite pretty as plants go. The last pepper plants I tried growing were okra, which I really enjoyed because they grew very fast and got those interesting little jewel-like spherical resin drops all over the leaves. But only one plant ever produced a pod and a green caterpillar ate it. > > Pale green suggests things which are innocent and sweet, like celery. > > I consider celery a form of candy. > > Then there's that pale green wasabi paste, not to be confused with > guacamole. One of the Japanese markets here sells tubes of some sort of paste which is made from the ingredients "green pepper" and "lemon". The label shows a picture of long skinny green hot peppers, but it tastes more like green peppercorns mashed up with pickled lemon. It's not very hot, but it's one of my favorite condiments, and it does have that candy-like quality that all the best condiments do. > > I was disappointed that I went > > to the best Japanese grocery > > store in the area yesterday, > > and they had neither fresh > > perilla leaves ("ohba", aka > > "beef leaves") nor pickled > > perilla bits. Now what am I > > supposed to do to find bitter > > vegetables? Dig up Groucho > > Marx? > > Hmmm-you may want to search nurseries rather than the Asian marts. > Perilla is also fairly easy to grow and is much better when fresh. It > even is available in many fancy colors! If by "easy to grow" you mean "easy to grow if your plantation has extra slaves so you won't mind some of them becoming useless after their hands are covered with blisters from harvesting the perilla." Perilla farmers get terrible dermatitis because if you handle the plant enough, its contact poison contacts you. and STOP TOUCHING MY FORMATTING!!! GO TOUCH PERILLA INSTEAD!!! -- K. The Japanese stores all stopped carrying the habanero-flavored potato rings I liked, the ones with the really cute Satanic pepper on the package. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Actually disturibing ads for Halloween Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 22:13:19 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I want to know more about the person, vent figure, or clown-shaped balloon > > inflation machine you were jabbing with the screwdriver, and what they did > > to deserve it, and whether you let them have a cookie before you did the > > second eye or made them wait until afterwards. > > It was just a pack of cards, as Alice might say. I've never understood why a stack of cards is called a "deck". It's not as if you look sane if you put on a sailor suit and swab that deck, whether you use a mop or a Q-Tip. By the way, does _anyone_ think traditional sailor suits look cool and not just ridiculous? Sailors should switch to something more modern with smaller bell-bottoms, like first-season "Space: 1999" uniforms. > A friend and I were making 100 masks of Richard Thompson, preparatory > to going to his show on Halloween night. I was using the screwdriver > to make the eye holes. Who's Dick Thompson? The forgotten member of "Kids In The Hall" who was kicked out for being too gay? Or just someone whose poetry slam you were preparing to heckle? > Before his performance, we distributed the masks to members of the > audience near the stage. We all raised them at a prearranged point in > the show, and the lights were briefly brightened so those on stage > could see them. It seemed to have a suitably surprising and > disturbing effect. Can't say he liked it (though his bass player and > road manager and the audience and venue staff did). It wasn't trick > or treat, exactly--we played a trick, and he played a treat. I just realized that if Stanislaw Lem ever builds that machine that destroys the letter "r", people are going to be saying "Tick or teat!", except without the "or" part, unless the machine skips even-numbered "r"s, but that would be silly, so it would probably be "Tick o' teat!" > Before we got home, a picture was up on his Web site, courtesy of one > of the staff and the road manager: > > http://www.richardthompson-music.com/catch_of_the_day.asp?id=492 > > I don't know any of the people in that picture. I was sitting at the > other end of the audience. I still have no idea who you're talking about, though I never trust anyone with a flat stick for a neck. I demand round sticks for properly pencil-necked people. -- K. And what's a poetry slam? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Actually disturibing ads for Halloween Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 21:56:29 -0500 Dave Brown (dagbrown@LART.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And what's a poetry slam? > > I'm not so sure, but I gather from a friend of mine who takes part > in these things, that they're a sort of competitive-poetry event. Competitive poetry? Sheesh, those hippies and beatniks had to ruin poetry with their competitiveness. I bet they're also going to have "Zen To The Death!" meditation battles (like in "Scanners"!) and contests to see who can inhale the most patchouli oil. > She was once asked politely if she could maybe not use such > *overpowering* poetry at future poetry slams, which leads to some > interesting mental images indeed. That's just snuff porn with a "y" on the end of every line. -- K. Y? Because we love you to death. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Actually disturibing ads for Halloween Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 21:53:12 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Sailors should switch to something more modern with smaller > > bell-bottoms, like first-season "Space: 1999" uniforms. > > In Futuristic Uniforms, do the buttons get turned into sliding scales? > Loading bars? Simple touch-sensitive surfaces? I need to know, I have > a robot maid to repair... Sheesh, you didn't watch enough TV in the 1970's. I thought everyone knew exactly what Rudi Gernreich's "Space: 1999" costumes looked like. (Technically, he was credited as designing "Moon City costumes", as apparently Barbara Bain coaxed him into designing her outfit before they'd nailed down Moonbase Alpha's name.) The normal "Space: 1999" costume in the first season (unisex -- for the second-season they added a skirt version for the space chicks) was a beige turtleneck with beige bell-bottoms, with white go-go boots and a very wide gold belt worn over the untucked shirt. Each shirt was solid beige except that the collar and left sleeve were color-coded (black for command, white for medical, rust for administrative, yellow for astronauts, purple for security, etc.) with a very large, lumpy, uncomfortable zipper running the length of the one colored sleeve. (Of course the turtlenecks had zippers, because even in the futuristic year of 1999 they didn't have the technology to fit Barbara Bain's hair through a neck-hole.) So, anyway, the combination of the Moon's low gravity and the Moon's disco soundtrack led to lots of bellbottom-flappin' action during chase scenes. Science has not yet determined what sort of futuristic underwear they had under the bellbottoms, but since it was Rudi Gernreich, I imagine it was something made from transparent plastic with large holes in it. The discotronically fab costumes by Rudi Gernreich were the part of the "Space: 1999" production design that wasn't copied from Kubrick's "2001", which is good because it left something for Regis Philbin to rip off in 2001, when he started a brief fad for wearing a brown tie with a brown shirt and a brown suit. That's how the people on the moonbase in "2001" dressed, as blandly as possible. Anyway, the reason I specified first-season "Space: 1999" uniforms was because in the second season they made the uniforms look much less attractive by adding pinstripes which were wholly inappropriate for designs with such large areas of solid color, and then slapped on silly photo-ID badges (just in case aliens chose to impersonate any of them and only had the technology to make costumes but not badges -- remember the episode where they spot Martin Landau's evil backwards twin because the aliens didn't know how to change the part in his hair?) as well as some other goofy gigantic insignia, such as the enormous "LSAO" coaster glued to Zienia Merton. By the third season, they would've been wearing plaid covered with Rickie Tickie Stickies and Wacky Packages. So anyway, the normal reaction to early "Space: 1999" episodes is, "Hmm, they had some fashionable discowear amid all the total crap!" That's why we should keep those original "Space: 1999" uniforms alive by making our nation's sailors wear them, so they'll be ready for the next Bicentennial. You young whippersnappers don't remember the horror of the Bicentennial, an entire year when the USA decided to pretend its IQ was really low. It was like Y2K but sappy. Everyone was all "YAY, IT'S 1976 ALL YEAR, THAT MEANS I SHOULD DRESS LIKE WONDER WOMAN! SPARKLERS FOR EVERYONE!" It was the year the country chose to act like it was stoned, even when it wasn't, and you better believe most of the people who were enjoying "Space: 1999" were stoned. -- K. Other "Space: 1999" costumes you might consider next Halloween: 1. Brian Blessed in "The Metamorph". You'll need to buy several cans of pink Play-Doh to do your hair. 2. Martin Landau's silver suit in whatever that episode was where he had to talk to the alien that was so bright that it kills you if you can see it or hear it so he had to go yell at it while in this suit that made him deaf and blind. 3. Christopher Lee in that episode where you see his wig fall off in a take they actually used. That's also the episode where one of the frozen aliens sits upright in the middle of another take they used. Hey, it's not a blooper if they didn't cut it out! 4. Any of the whip-wielding catsuited high-heeled dominatrixes in the episode that didn't need to have a plot because it had whip-wielding cautsuited high-heeled dominatrixed. 5. Rita Webb, credited with playing "Slatternly Woman" in "The Taybor". 6. Any of the Judges Of Luton, who were a still picture of three trees. And yet all three gave better performances than Martin Landau. That series was a never-ending parade of bad Halloween costume ideas, until it ended. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (new): Homeless Einstein Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 02:52:00 -0500 Homeless Einstein Copyright (c) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry At the Institute For The Institution Of Science, Einstein looked through his microscope at a very complicated equation and suddenly a thought struck him. "Homeless people sure dress tacky!" He adjusted the one sock he'd remembered to put on that morning and went back to work. But one of the many homeless people who had bought tickets to tour the Institute overheard him. The man tapped Einstein on the shoulder and said, "Hey, you shouldn't mock the homeless -- you don't know what it's like to be homeless." A little imaginary light bulb went on inside Einstein's brain. He ignored the light bulb because he knew it probably wasn't real, and then the thought wound its way through his brain: He should become homeless so that it would be okay for him to mock the homeless! To prepare for his new career as a hilarious standup comedian specializing in mocking poverty, he put on his most comedic bow tie, clenched his left hand around a golf putter, and destroyed his home by setting off a bomb that filled it with horse mucus until it popped. Einstein found a plastic Slurpee cup on the ground, and he had two pennies in his pocket, so he put the pennies in the cup and started working at earning serious income by aggressively shaking the cup in the face of everyone who walked past. He soon found that he had to shake the cup really hard within three inches of their nose, otherwise they would simply ignore him instead of pointedly ignoring him. Eventually a passing altruist gave Einstein a penny, because it was dirty (earlier his dog had eaten and passed it.) Einstein looked at the three pennies in his cup. "Hooray! Now I can get myself a swanky three-penny brunch!" He spent the money on a pizza with eight toppings, all of which were different types of imported sausage. After eating, he went back to work shaking his cup at people, but something was wrong! Because the cup was empty, it didn't make any loud noises, ruining his chances to annoy people enough to throw their money at him! He realized that with no money in his cup, he would never be able to get any money, so he threw the cup away. Then he spotted a quarter on the ground, but he didn't pick it up because he had no place to put it. Einstein cried! After that, he went home, because he didn't really blow it up. I lied. But I lied for a valid social purpose: To teach the world that EINSTEIN IS NOT HOMELESS. the end -- K. I hope I never become homeless, because then I'd have to carry my cable TV cable around all day. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KIBO Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 21:19:16 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > Also, have you heard of a chili pepper extract called "The Source" at > 7.1 MILLION Scoville units? Hottest thing on the planet, they say. Yes, I've heard of it, I've had it, I said "eh." _Every_ uninteresting hot sauce claims to be the hottest one ever, including both the ones well above and well below 7 million. As I've said many times, any hot sauce whose entire marketing campaign is based on claiming it's really hot is awful. It's like saying "Watch our sitcom because it's louder than any other!" All super-hot sauces taste exactly the same, since they're all made from the same chemical. Any sauce which claims to be hotter than a chili pepper itself is going to consist of capsaicin plus bozotic marketing. Does this brand A block of 7 million pounds of saccharin taste sweeter than this brand B block of 6 million pounds of saccharin? Who cares? I'd rather have actual sugar on my doughnut. > Two drops (they also say) will overheat a 15 gallon vat of chili. ...if it's chili for babies. Think of it this way: If it really is about 2000 times hotter than Tabasco, that would be equivalent to 2000 drops of Tabasco in 15 gallons of chili. Tabasco.com says there are 60 drops per teaspoon, 720 drops per 2-ounce bottle. So that's three bottles of Tabasco. As there are approximately 15 bowls of chili per gallon, you're adding those 2000 drops of Tabasco to 225 servings of chili -- we're talking nine drops of Tabasco per bowl. That's not what I would call tremendously hot. It is, however, a tremendous waste of money to buy any of these things that, when diluted, won't even have as much pepper flavor as a few drops from a 69c bottle of generic red pepper sauce from the supermarket. These fifteen-zillion-Scoville distilled capsaicin extracts have no real-world applications unless you're willing to pay through the nose for the ability to add heat without accidentally adding any vegetable matter. > I sawr it on the colour tee vee, so it must be true. Nuh-uh. Black and white TV is less likely to lie, except when women are wearing light blue unitards. Radio is even less likely to lie, which is why everybody in the United States believed Orson Welles when he said the Martians had destroyed the whole world except for the radio station and the house of the listener. Really, everyone in the USA believed that. ...or so everyone believes. -- K. All, each of them thinks they're the only one who knows that the Weekly World News is just a newspaper and not a documentary. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KIBO Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 20:31:58 -0500 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > "Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote: > > > > It's so sad that in any communal workplace lunchroom refrigerator > > situation there's always one doofalero who thinks (s)he has divine > > right to anything within said fridge. > > Yeah. It's amazing how small a group can be and things > still break down. Even for communal kitchens (where > everyone shares and pays the same, allegedly), people > always feel like they are getting ripped off unless it > is a really tight, small group. The lunchroom thief > just boggles me. They often do things like eating only > a part of a serving and leaving the other half. It is > mildly psychopathic. It's just human nature -- in office situations, where people don't consider themselves "friends" with each other, life is a constant series of little dominance battles (overt, passive-agressive, or even unconscious) as the dorks act out their frustrations by competing with each other. If someone ate your whole slice of cake, you'd think "someone ate my whole slice of cake and didn't care", but if they eat only half your slice of cake, then they _want_ you to think "someone is trying to send me a message that they can do whatever they want with my food." Eating the whole serving is an act of asociality, but eating half the serving is an act of social dominance. If you really want to be the alpha male, take just one bite of everything. Remember the "Seinfeld" episode where Jerry's girlfriend gets revenge on him by telling him she dipped one of his possessions in the toilet, and he goes insane trying to figure out which? You can do that at the office too -- "I licked something on your desk, see you tomorrow!" Offices are such dysfunctional environments that that sort of behavior goes on all the time, weird little turf battles and mind games as all these people who are oppressed by the evil management take their frustrations out on each other, while The Man sits back and cackles as the ants fight for his amusement. There is a human need to be dominant at times, and if a job requires people to have a boss, they often express that need for dominance by being jerks to other people in the same position. I had an interesting encounter while in the checkout line at Target. I held out my debit card to the cashier, and he indicated that I would have to swipe it myself in the well-hidden machine positioned further down the checkout lane. I tried it repeatedly and the machine didn't work. Then the guy said "It's broken, you have to let me do it," and held out his hand for the card. The subtleties are important -- he didn't say "I can do that for you", he said "you have to let me do it". Basically, something was going on where he refused my request for him to swipe the card so that he could then tell me I had to "let" him do it. The transaction involved a shift in who was choosing what would happen next, but with the same outcome, a truly petty moment. You can post a followup to this if you want to -- I am explicitly giving you my permission. YOU'RE WELCOME! > > I say the end justifies the means regarding what it takes to get the point > > across. > > I draw the line at mouse traps. Rat traps can actually > break some bones. Anything can break "some" bones. I draw the line at things that can break more than one femur at a time. So whaddaya draw your line with? Tattoo guns are messy so I usually just use one of those purple surgical markers they make Moxie out of. -- K. By the way, I hate half of your birthday cake, so that means I only need to take half your presents. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KIBO Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 20:05:18 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > I heard that Americans often misinterpret a famous video clip where > Yasser Arafat and some Israel guy are meeting at Camp David, and they > both insist that the other go in first, and this goes on for too long > and President Clinton has to shove them in. Americans think "aww, > look how courteous they're being!" People actually from the Middle > East think "Good for you, guy-on-my-side! Don't let him tell you > who's going in first!" Right, that's my point. Power is not telling other people what to do. Power is not doing what they want you to. You recognize they're trying to play you and then you must choose to either play to win or refuse to play. You know, the whole Patrick McGoohan thing. I'd vote for him for President. Unless he wanted me to. Which he wouldn't, because he's too cool to care what I think. Ever refuse to buy a particular brand because you've seen too many commercials for them? That's why I rarely vote for either Democrats or Republicans. I'd never vote for anyone who actually wanted to be President. But anyway, imagine Patrick McGoohan at Camp David. That's the only way we'll ever have peace in the Middle East. It would be like that episode of "All In The Family" where Archie Bunker and Sammy Davis Jr. get locked in the make-out closet for a week and when they come out they've each got one blue eye and one brown eye, no wait, that never happened, and if it did it would have been not only stupid but completely unrelated to whatever point I was attempting to make. So instead just close your eyes and think of Patrick McGoohan, your choice of Original Patrick McGoohan or New Improved LSD-Filled Patrick McGoohan With Cowboy Hat And Evil Walkman. -- K. Just steer clear of Exploding Head Patrick McGoohan Named After A Famous Elderly Sexologist Who's Not Sue Johanssen. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KIBO Date: Wed, 09 Nov 2005 06:35:42 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > ***lightbulb goes on*** > > When I in that situation at Walgreen's, I was ticked (and still am.) > Not because I had to go back to that mode that I'd not really had > to use since I lived in California, but because someone's behavior forced > me to against my wishes. Or more accurately, I *let* them force me into > that mode against my wishes. > I'm a very courteous person and used to be surrounded by much the same. > Gender and age of the person entering the door behind me gets treated > exactly same way by holding the door for them to prevent it from slamming > in their face. And as crazy as the drivers have always been here , there > was always a unexpected courtesy when you least expected it. I could > count on at least once a day of seeing or being the recipient of > an act of unexpected kindness and I would do the same. > > I resent very much that this area has changed so drastically almost > overnight in every day common manners and courtesy and now, I'm forced to > deal with it instead of just removing myself from the situation & I'm > getting my edge back against my will. I don't mind using manipulation on > asshats like that, but _I_ want to be able to make the choice when and I'm > also insulted when someone like that thinks I'm too stupid to know they're > up to something like that. Gah!Grrr!Hulk!SMASH! Basically, there are two fundamental philosophies of interacting with other people. One is the Captain Kangaroo way -- everybody should be nice to everyone all the time and share everything with everyone all the time. The other is the Mr. Rogers way -- it's nice to be nice but sometimes other people are mean so you need to stand up to them. The first approach teaches that bullies will start being nice to you if you offer them half of your candy (and really, try it sometime, that's never worked outside of "Davey & Goliath") while the second approach quotes the Golden Rule ("Do unto others as...") and Goethe ("You must be the hammer or the anvil.") If everyone in the world followed the nicey-nice approach, everyone would get along fine. And if everyone in the world was good at playing the second approach, things would be fine too (everyone would know the same rules, all cards would be on the table.) But the problems begin when the two cultures mingle, especially when a Nice Person meets a Goethe Person who is inept at it (i.e. someone who is inconsiderate and pushy.) That either leads to the Nice Person feeling bad about rolling over for the jerk, or the Nice Person having to change tactics. And you shouldn't feel bad about the fact that the other person was a jerk to you. You did nothing wrong. The important thing is that not all people in that second category are mean to random people. Most do follow the Golden Rule and play well with others as long as they don't sense that anyone's trying to manipulate them (then the claws come out.) So bear in mind that when you stood up to the jerk, you didn't turn into a jerk (a specific subtype within the second community) but instead borrowed some tactics from the majority of the second community. You haven't changed in a way that will make you mean to people who aren't trying to control you. You've just added some tools to your kit of ways to deal with the occasional person who is thinking (perhaps unconsciously), "She's a Nice Person, I'm a Goethe Person, so she better let me go ahead of her in line because I'm the only one in the drugstore who could possibly be in a hurry." (I don't remember the details of your Walgreen's story, but I have noted that a lot of people in drugstores seem to make a big deal about how they're in more of a hurry than everyone else -- standing next to pills makes certain people really self-important. So I'm assuming the Walgreen's story must involve someone who decided he had to leave the store before you because all he was doing was buying a single candy bar which entitled him to go ahead of you because he was in a hurry to have his candy.) Those of us who live in the Northeast, unfortunately, are more predisposed to learn tactics for dealing with jerks. People who live in California or Seattle or (especially) Minneapolis will mostly meet nice people but just try smiling at strangers in New York or Boston and see how quickly someone yells WHADDAYA LOOKIN' AT WHEN I AIN'T LOOKED AT YOU YOU WANTCHA FACE BROKE? And believe me, it's just as much a shock for us Northeasterners when we go to one of the Nice parts of the country and people act all friendly WITHOUT PROVOCATION! Like, the first time I was in Minneapolis, the cashier in the supermarket told me all about his car troubles and showed me a photo of his car. I had to keep fighting down the part of my brain that kept telling me, "It's got to be a scam! Get ready to jump him!" but he was just a person who was just as friendly to strangers as to close friends. I'm from a culture that treats friends in a friendly way and strangers in a civil way. Walking around Las Vegas will let you study the interaction between the two cultures. Everyone with a big happy, relaxed smile on their face and makes eye contact with strangers is a local. Everyone who hurries past you with no eye contact and an agonized grimace is a business traveller from somewhere like New York. New Yorkers can be very pleasant to you if you deal with them on the correct level, i.e. if they know that you know that you're both playing by the same rules (Golden Rule, etc.) But if a New Yorker senses that you're from the other culture -- the All Nice All The Time culture -- it creeps 'em out and they immediately assume you just fell off the turnip truck that they really don't want you showing them a photo of so STOP LOOKING AT THEM!!! New Yorkers are not inherently rude, they're just different. When the two cultures collide, everything's okay as long as the person who's out of their element adapts their tactics and plays by local rules. Otherwise, one person gets rude and the other person gets pushed around. Either that, or you could try carrying a gun. (If you don't have one, check Aisle 5 at Walgreen's.) It's not just the United States that has these two colliding cultures -- Canada has a two-axis system with Nice People and Goethe People as well as English-Speaking People and Weird-Talking People. (Canadians think of Toronto as the area where people act like New Yorkers.) So although Canada is mostly Nice People, you have to contend with additional unwritten social-interaction rules 'cause of the two languages (a linguistic barrier automatically creates a cultural divide.) Thankfully everyone in the USA speaks English. (There are no Hispanics in the USA, I know because I watch prime-time TV.) In short, you're not a bad person just because you shop at the same drugstore as creeps. You're only a bad person if you round up all the creeps and trick them into going to a different drugstore where Davey and Goliath shop. Poor Davey and Goliath! -- K. "Hey, punching this kid is like punching a little rag doll! And his dog won't even defend him, he just scolds us!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: rubber baby bumpy stickies (was: KIBO) Date: Wed, 09 Nov 2005 21:01:32 -0500 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > There's something about a bumper sticker with Mr. Smiley Face > frowning and saying "Don't tell me what kind of day to have!" > which is inherently New York. In Boston, bumper stickers are pretty rare. I think people here don't have time to vandalize their own cars before they crumble into a pile of salt and rust. But occasionally you see someone who wants you to know how important their opinions are by putting two of the same bumper sticker on the same car at the same time. My favorite recent example: Someone bought two of those "yellow ribbon" stickers (having two of them makes Iraq surrender twice as fast!) and not only put them both on the bumper -- despite that their bumper wasn't tall enough so they had to put them on sideways -- but they also applied the two little pizza-slice-shaped cutouts from the centers of the sticker sheet: ------------------------------------------------------- ### ## ## ### ## ## # ## ## # ## ## # # #### #### # # ## ## # ## ## # ## ## ### ## ## ### ------------------------------------------------------- The sideways ribbons represent supporting the troops aboard the Starship Enterprise and Moonbase Lowercase Alpha, and the Enterprise is firing pizza torpedoes because the Borg cannot assimilate cheese. The previously-discussed stickers with crayon stick figures representing your number of children haven't penetrated to the Boston area. All we get are Patriots logos, an occasional pride flag or "[=]" decal, and those ubiquitous imitations of European country-code ovals that mean absolutely nothing 'cause they have random letters in them. I started trying to compile a list of ones I'd spotted to see whether I'd see any of them again but I gave up. They all might as well say "NGETTAMTAMD". Hey, that would be a very New York thing to have on a sticker... To fit it in that ellipse you'd probably have to typeset it in Univers 39 (that's the extra-light extra-extra-condensed one) and then people would think it said "|||||" until they got close enough for you to slam on the brakes and make them go through their windshield. -- K. MY OTHER CAR IS WITH STUPID ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: rubber baby bumpy stickies (was: KIBO) Date: Wed, 09 Nov 2005 22:15:07 -0500 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In Boston, bumper stickers are pretty rare. I think people here > > don't have time to vandalize their own cars before they crumble > > into a pile of salt and rust. > > Speaking of which, I just purchased a mini-van to haul the fambly around, > and it is sadly lacking in Grateful Dead bumper stickers. Since there is > only one remaining head shop in SLC, I'll have to cruise on down there to > rectify the situation. I gave you a straight line like "before they crumble into a pile of salt and rust" and you completely missed the chance to say "...but what about their cars?" What's wrong with you, don't you own an Obvious Bag? Here, you can borrow mine -- I'll hold out this Obvious Bag, and when I nod my head, you rip it open. Anyway, I would like to hear all about the Salt Lake City head shop. Given that all I know about Utah is that beer, cigarettes, and fun are prohibited within 1000 miles of the state, I figure your local head shop must be something even lamer than Spencer Gifts. They probably don't have crack pipes with the "GLASSWARE IS SOLD FOR TOBACCO USE ONLY" sign, they probably have plastic bubble pipes with kitties on them marked "PLASTICWARE IS SOLD FOR NO USE ONLY." I still miss that plastic bubble pipe I had with the cat face on it. That was one of my favorite toys for no reason I can figure out. I guess just 'cause I liked bubbles and I liked cats. I actually had two (a red-brown one with a beige lip, and a black one with a beige lip) but I didn't like the black one so much. You know, I haven't blown bubbles in a long time. I should go out and get some soap. I mean, I have this seventh-floor outdoor balcony. And I can buy jars of bubbles soap at any local supermarket because I don't live in Utah! (Hey, bubble soap _must_ have some illicit use because supermarket toy sections only contain three things: Adult-size metal handcuffs, punchballs, and jars of bubble soap. The first two are things only grown-up perverts and druggies buy, so I'm sure the supermarkets aren't intending bubble soap for kids because if they wanted to stock just one toy for kids, it wouldn't be something as lame as bubble soap.) What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, your hippie van. I think you should bolt a sidecar to it so you can be a hippie and a biker dude at the same time. Then you could go do this wacky comedy act consisting of an impression of Altamont, if you don't mind beating yourself up. > Also, this means that the old station wagon is about to embark on it's > incarnation as an art car dubed "The Harvester of Eyes". As I mentioned > here a while back, I am planning on doing a collage of designs using > pictures of eyes cut out of magazines. If you've got a color printer, I can E-mail you some extreme close-ups of my eyes. Well, actually, you won't need a color printer assuming you have something that can do a nice medium gray that looks like graphite. > This will take a lot of eyebulb pitchurs, so I appeal to all of the > denizens of ARK, that if you have magazines sitting around waiting to be > defaced, I request your assistance in the form of mailing me said eye > pictures. Contact me by email for where to send them. Sorry, but I already sold my copies of Eye Hockey Fetish Quarterly at a flea market. They went home with some weird guy in a pirate hat. > Also, please hip me to any eye-related plastic doo-dads and suchlike that > would be appropriate for such a monstrosity and if I can work them into > the design they will be glued, or otherwise fastened to the beast. Obviously Slinky Crazy Eyes dangling from the rear-view mirror. Have you considered just getting a purple Miatta and painting two huge eyes and a creepy smile on the front, and keeping a puppy imprisoned in the glove compartment? Then you'd get little kids following you around asking you how to get the balloon you need to get through the door that has a lock that can only be opened by a balloon of the correct color, or whatever other puzzle they're stuck on. For true cognitive dissonance, while driving the purple smiling Miatta, dress up like a talking fish who is also a spy and wears trap-door pajamas. Better yet, forget the car. Just wear the trap-door pajamas. Send me a photo of you wearing trap-door pajamas and I'll send you a photo of Morgan Fairchild's eye hockey. -- K. For two photos, I'll send you her actual eye hockey. I'm saying "eye hockey" so many times right now just to make baby Rich Hall cry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KIBO Date: Wed, 09 Nov 2005 20:45:28 -0500 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And believe me, it's just as much a shock for us Northeasterners > > when we go to one of the Nice parts of the country and people > > act all friendly WITHOUT PROVOCATION! > > And some of them actually mean it. But, in general, I find > it a more pleasant existance. The metropolitan Northeast is > so "Hurry up and wait!!!" Yep, that's it. We need to develop some sort of test we can administer to people to determine whether or not they're in that category so that we can find the precise boundary of the region on the map. I suppose the test would involve us accosting people on the street and asking them if they want to take a survey, and the answer to that question is all the data we'd need. Minneapolis: "Would you care to listen to my sales pitch?" "You seem nice, so, sure!" New York: "Here's $20. Have fun with it." "Whadda fuck are you tryin' to pull?" > > New Yorkers are not inherently rude, they're just different. > > It's hard explaining that to others. The tradeoff, I think, > is that friendship is valued a bit more. It's difficult to > meet people without being introduced, i.e. people want some > ostensible reason your existance is worth dealing with. It's > not better or worse. It's such an amazing two-tier system, the division between "close friends" and "random people", even though our language doesn't have separate pronouns for them like German's "Du" and "Sie". I view it as being something like the Army, where two Army guys will relate to each other in one way but they'll relate to civilians in a different way and civilians will relate to each other in a third way. I think that blaze orange camo they sell for hunters is great. If I had my own Army, the uniforms would be all blaze orange camo to make sure the bad guys could see us coming, so we could see them wet their non-orange pants. > I don't miss it, either. Whenever I drive over the George > Washington Bridge, I roll down the window and yell, "Hey buddy, > fock you!" I hope I never hear anyone yell back, "Allahu > Akbar!" Well, at least you're calling them "buddy" to show you're saying an invisible smiley face after it. They'd be more likely to blow up your bridge if you yelled it in all caps. There's currently a trial in Baltimore where the defendant is claiming the court can't prosecute him because the charges were filed with his name in all caps. With a brilliantly scheming mind like that, one has to wonder how the police captured him -- did they just leave a bear trap in the middle of the street, or did they send him one of those postcards whichs says "DUE TO A COMPUTER ERROR, YOU HAVE WON A RAFFLE YOU DIDN'T ENTER (IN ALL CAPS) AND TO QUALIFY FOR YOUR PRIZE YOU SIMPLY HAVE TO SPEND A NIGHT IN A HAUNTED HOUSE LOCATED INSIDE THE SUPERMAX WING OF THE BALTIMORE PENITENTIARY, WHICH IS A BIG WORD MEANING 'PARTY PLACE'! SHOW UP IN THE NEXT TWELVE HOURS AND WE'LL ALSO GIVE YOU A BOTTLE OF THOSE PILLS THAT GIVE YOU A BLOWJOB! IN ALL CAPS!" -- K. We need to invent a third case of letter that's beyond caps, and only spammers would use these new Supercaps, so we could all ignore them. But what if any spammers were smart enough to try to work around that by switching back to regular loud caps? Simple: All keyboards would have Supercaps Superlock key which, once pressed, would be locked down forever. Also each smiley would cost a dollar. A CAPITAL DOLLAR. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KIBO Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 23:36:10 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > No. > > Power is doing whatever it is you want to do, for whatever reason you > wish. Whether you wish to dominate, cooperate or submit, those > behaviors are all within your power. But what if wanting to submit means you want to do what you don't want to do? Then the whole Universe crashes, leaving behind only a little bomb, the message "GURU MEDITATION #00000003.FC4A1BD9", and a cute little icon of a sad Universe. And that's followed by some story by some Hofstadter guy where poor Spot gets crammed into a matrix and inverted in order to prove that some "Doctor Who" episode was actually the same as Pachelbel's Canon played sideways and then it turns into a cycling tour where the guy who invented the indestructible tomato thinks he's Clowder Rogers and it turns out that C-L-O-W-D-E-R is the secret message hidden in the DNA that was hidden inside pi and Jodie Foster looks at it through her space microscope and says "numinous!" but she doesn't have time for numinosity because she had to shoot Mark David Chapman in order to save President Lennon from a plot to replace him with his Russian evil twin. -- K. But at the end, the Universe prints out a flimsy coupon saying you get 25 cents off your next Universe. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KIBO Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 21:17:38 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Right, that's my point. Power is not telling other people what to do. > > Power is not doing what they want you to. You recognize they're trying > > to play you and then you must choose to either play to win or refuse > > to play. You know, the whole Patrick McGoohan thing. > > Except don't play that dopey-looking game with the padded dresses and > the trampoline. It was always a waste of episode time. Excuse me, but Kosho was not a "dopey-looking game with the padded dresses and the trampoline". Kosho was the greatest manly martial art ever because it had padded dresses, a wading pool, and _two_ trampo-- wait, you're right, it was dopiness of the sort you find only on the dark side of The Planet Of Eternal Dopiness. I love that series, but I'll wager everyone gets the giggles when they watch those scenes. Of course, I also got the same giggles during the "Dadiators 2000" episode of "Get A Life". Hmm, if they ever put "Get A Life" back on the air (they better hurry, before Chris Elliott gets too old to play a paperboy) they should do an episode where he gets gassed and wakes up in The Village. Then there could be a scene where he falls off a really high bicycle. Of course it would end with him getting his face bitten off by a balloon, because that's how comedy works. Killer balloons are instant hilarity! Except on "The Prisoner", where Kosho was the main wacky. -- K. What's _your_ wacky? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KIBO Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 22:49:45 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -- K. > > > > By the way, I hate > > half of your birthday > > cake, so that means I > > only need > > to take half your > > presents. > > That's OK, I had farted on it already. Well, whatever you just did to my formatting guarantees you're never going to get that job you wanted at Eagle Leather. Pardon me, I have to send some Telexes. Just give me a second to look up L. Ron Hubbard's number. After this, you won't even be able to get a job in a vinyl store! My Freudian typo of "I hate half your birthday cake" for "I ate half your birthday cake" added a real dimension of specialness to my attempted sentence. It became a Special Sentence! And now, a special moment from The! Special! Show! (KIRK KISSES A SEXY ALIEN FEMDROID, THEN PUNCHES HER, THEN KISSES HER AGAIN.) FEMDROID 73 Is there some significance to this action? KIRK On Earth, part of that is called a "kiss". FEMDROID 73 My identical twin and I will now baffle you with our powers of identicalness. You will not know who to kiss because we are identical. Identical. Identical. KIRK Spock, look out! They're identical except for their nametags! SPOCK (to FEMDROID 73) I love you... (to FEMDROID 74) ...but I hate you. FEMDROID 74 That is illogical, if you love her you should love me because we are identical. SPOCK Yes, I hate you because you are identical. FEMDROID 74 Oh no now my brain is slowly exploding during this sentence I am speaking because your logic is so perfectly impeccable. Impeccable. FEMDROID 73 His retardation is not working on me, 'cause he's just a crazy guy with fake eyebrows. KIRK Quick, Spock! Alternately kiss and punch them until Gene Roddenberry's satisfied! (THE EPISODE CONTINUES. STUFF HAPPENS. THE END.) -- K. Now I'm having visions of ruining people's birthday parties by showing up, yelling "I HATE YOUR BIRTHDAY CAKE!" and then saying "But I'd like a piece with a rose on it." Unless the cake doesn't have any crunch sugar roses on it, in which case I'd double hate it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KIBO Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 22:36:16 -0500 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > [...] > > The choice wording of things, especially in petty ways, > is almost amusing if it weren't so annoying. Yeah, that > happens a lot. That would have been better if you had said "would be" instead of "almost" and also your use of "yeah" weakens the emphasis you should have placed on "that". Also, your Word-Of-The-Day calendar says you were supposed to mention "nougat". This copy-editing ain't free, you know. Please tape fifty bucks to your computer screen before you go to bed. I'll collect it via the usual method, since your computer has that spyware that can grab whatever's on the screen. > The food involves manipulating other people for your own > amusement without any/much guilt, so I am back to the > psycopathic thing. If they manipulate people to achieve some goal such as financial gain or the betterment of society, that's sociopathy. If they manipulate people because they find it amusing, that's sadism. If they manipulate people just to let people who they're in charge, that's dominance. If they don't distinguish between the three, that's an easy target. > There might be a dominance issue but it's the way it is done > that irks me. Dude, there's always a dominance issue. Any time two people interact where one person wants something, knows something the other doesn't, or owns something the other doesn't, there will be the momentary establishment of who's in charge of the interaction. If you're exchanging a dollar for a cookie, you're not going to both go to an escrow service which will accept the dollar and the cookie and exchange them simultaneously. One of you will hand over the dollar or the cookie before the other one, and during that moment, the one who has both the dollar and the cookie also has control. Any interaction which requires a decision or transaction must involve one person or the other assuming responsibility for controlling how the interaction happens, even in something as simple as determining whether your gallon jug of water gets thrown into the shopping bag on top of the cookie. You have to understand that humans naturally compete for dominance in little ways on a moment-by-moment basis if you want to find the path of least resistance to being your choice of polite or rude. If you're not aware of such little games being played all day, every day, that's fine as long as the other person is also acting unconsciously, but if you're not aware of this mode of human interaction, someone who is will always be three steps ahead of you and you're gonna walk out of that supermarket with an eight-year extended warranty on your smashed cookie. > Besides, it stopped when we moved -- the nightime phone survey > people don't work here now. The pot seeds on the bathroom floor > also stopped. This is a pretty laid back area except when we > are being yelled at by doctors who are trained to yell at > people if anything ever goes wrong. Yelling is the wrong way to do it. Yelling works if the person you're yelling at is clueless about dominance. But someone who understands dominance knows that in a discussion, the first one to start shouting has lost control of their emotions to the other. This is why when you want to really put the fear on someone, you have to be very firm and calm when you tell them "You do not have the authority to make me clean your refrigerator." A psychopath who goes around yelling at people will eventually blunder into a psychopath who knows how to do the "with. fava. beans. and. a. nice. chianti." voice and that's why Anthony Hopkins has dozens of Oscars and "Mommie Dearest" doesn't. > > Remember the "Seinfeld" episode where Jerry's girlfriend gets revenge > > > and he goes insane trying to figure out which? You can do that at the > > > Offices are such dysfunctional environments that that sort of behavior > > > these people who are oppressed by the evil management take their > > > as the ants fight for his amusement. There is a human need to be > > > often express that need for dominance by being jerks to other people > > We're all mild psychopaths on this bus. What do you mean "we", mildboy? And if you ever fuck up my formatting again, I'm going to burn the master tape of your favorite "Seinfeld" episode, unless you hate "Seinfeld", in which case I'm going to pay Jerry ten trillion dollars to make new episodes which will air 24 hours a day on all channels. This is neither a threat nor a bluff, it is a promise, just as the laws of physics promise that if you sit under an apple tree you're gonna get it. > > I had an interesting encounter while in the checkout line at Target. > > I held out my debit card to the cashier, and he indicated that > > would have to swipe it myself in the well-hidden machine > > further down the checkout lane. I tried it repeat > > didn't work. Then the guy said "It's broken, > > and held out his hand for the card. The > > he didn't say "I can do that for you > > Basically, something was goin > > to swipe the card so t > > The transact > > next, > > "Checkout line at Target" was your first clue. He's so close > to shift manager he can almost taste her. I mean "it". He > has little chance at either. Ah, you're one of those people who enjoys asking for it. Then we have much to discuss. I'll deal with you when I get off the phone with the guy who played Newman. The new series will have as much Newman as possible because he's not irritating in small doses. > [...] > > Please to be going easy on the hot sauce. Then. It. Wouldn't. Be. Hot. Sauce. Really, Otto, you'd have so much less trouble with your co-workers if you at least practiced "YOU TALKIN' TO ME?" in front of your mirror twelve hours a day like all normal people do. If you've never seen the movie that comes from, you should rent it -- it's the live-action "Rocky & Bullwinkle". > [...] > > > Anything can break "some" bones. > > My schlong just recoiled in horror. Was that a social dominance > thing, or just an involuntary evolutionary adaptation? Maybe both -- perhaps I travelled back in time and assumed control of your evolution. You should thank me that you're not an icky super-intelligent paramecium instead of a normal human. > > I draw the line at things that can break more than one femur at a time. > > > > So whaddaya draw your line with? > > Razor blades and mirrors. You're doing better. Answer the next ten questions you're asked by saying "With. Razor. Blades." and your co-workers will stop stealing your Snack Pack pudding cups. > > Tattoo guns are messy so I usually just use one of those purple > > surgical markers they make Moxie out of. > > Waking up with a hangover and a bunch of surgical lines on > me would be rather disturbing. Most people who do this when their drunk friends pass out are so bad at it that they think writing "I AM A LOSSER" on the guy's forehead with a black marker is funny, but they're not even clever enough to write it backwards so he can read it in the mirror. It's much better to carry one of those gentian violet surgical markers (the ones that wash off with a bath in ordinary household rubbing alcohol) and do something subtle like writing "BAD LEG" on a randomly-chosen leg. Then cover the writing by taping on a large gauze pad (preferably with some dried blood on it) so that when they lift it up they'll think you tattooed them. Also, carry a hypo with a suspension of powdered sulfur in peach oil. -- K. I don't understand why you people always demand that this newsgroup get so dark. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KIBO Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 07:19:43 -0500 Captain Infinity (Infinity@captaininfinity.us) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Dude, there's always a dominance issue. [...] One of you will > > hand over the dollar or the cookie before the other one, and > > during that moment, the one who has both the dollar and the > > cookie also has control. > > Wow, what kind of high-end bakery are you shopping at that charges a > dollar for a freaking cookie? I never said I shopped there. Now how many cookies are you gonna buy? Hurry up and buy something so I can unlock the doors and let you leave. While making your selection, please don't get fingerprints on the glass display case -- if you must touch something, fingerprints won't hurt the electrified chrome trim. Also, we're out of cookies, so we'll give you a two-penny discount when we substitute lead paint chips instead. That's any color of lead paint, only 98c a chip. Plus a two-cent handling fee to cover the cost of the rubber gloves I have to wear when handling your toxic snack treat. And that square of tissue paper left in the bag ain't free either. I'm not saying it's clean, I'm just saying it's worth a lot of money. -- K. Still, my cookies are cheaper than anything from Mrs. Fields. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Juicy Exploding Bees" or "Exploding Juicy Bees"? Date: Thu, 03 Nov 2005 00:26:45 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > I saw a sign for a new type of candy that has the words "exploding" > > "juicy" and "bees" in the title. > > "Exploding Juicy Bees" has better cadence. > > I mean, the song practically writes itself. > > Bees, Bees, Candy Bees, Juicy Candy Bees; > Stingy happy goodness, > Exploding Juicy Bees! > > Free epi-pen with 5 box tops! And how is this better than Bee In A Bubble gum, which has been on the market for years under the name "Hubba Bubba"? Oh, wait, those weren't bees, they were spider eggs. Never mind. > > http://photos.timchuma.com/kibology/BurstingBees.jpg I think the important thing is that Explojuicing Judybees -- or whatever your weird new Australian candy is called -- is the first candy to be advertised by gayer-than-usual honeybees with pink stripes. Pay particular attention to the psychotic facial expression on the bee that has a blob of "WITH OOZEY LIQUID CENTRES!" splattering out from where his stinger would be if he had a stinger instead of an anus that squirts out purple blobs of advertising. By the way, I can't find the words "Exploding" or "Juicy" anywhere in the name of the candy in that photo, unless they're in really tiny print between "Bursting" and "Bees". Your friends at Nestle' Australia make both Bursting Bees and Bursting Bull Ants. Those candies are sponsoring "NZ Idol" this season, a TV show I hope to never see even if they do an American version of it. [www.nestle.com.au] -> -> ALLEN'S BURSTING Bees and ALLEN'S BURSTING Bull Ants can be -> found in the Family Bag section of the Confectionery aisle -> of your supermarket or at any leading retailer. Is a Family Bag bigger than an Obvious Bag? And ooh-la-de-da, Mr. Fancy Australian Candy Company, it's "confectionery", not "candy". I bet these people also call the local playground jungle gym a "climbing structure" like the foncy-ponces in Cambridge. Maybe "jungle gym" is offensive to rainforest natives named Jim and "monkey bars" is offensive to Capucin monks. Hey, that's an idea -- how about a candy called "monkey bars"? "Monkey Bars: They'll Split Your Head Open!" -- K. And what about Bee Bomb Banana Bars? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Best costume I saw on Hallowe'en (pre-school division) Date: Thu, 03 Nov 2005 19:48:35 -0500 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > Granted, mine is a pretty small sample, since we don't get all that many > kids coming down our block. Don't know if it's the faint streetlights, > vicious small dogs, or the giant chunks of plutonium sticking out of > people's front yards. Science does not permit "don't know" as an answer. Scientific law says you must do the experiment. Upgrade to bigger dogs and see whether you encounter fewer whole children. > Anyway, at one point on Halloween night, the missus and I were > distributing candy on our doorstep to a small group of kidlings. We > usually like to get the little ones to talk about their costumes, which > they do, even though it cuts down on the time they could be spending > increasing their candy income. I can just picture you dangling an Ultra Fun Size Zagnut above some little kid's head and saying "If you want candy, tell me MORE! MORE! You will confess your costume's secrets or no Zagnut for you!" By the way, I have a list of 50,000 rejected names for the Zagnut bar, but I'm not going to post it because they're all silly. > One little boy, about 4 or 5, sported a small red cape and a gold > party hat. When prompted, he replied: "I'm a superhero king!" > > I think I'd be hard-pressed to come up with a more definitive and > broad-based scope of authoritative powers than that. A small red cape, a gold party hat, and a little steering wheel sticking out of his fly. Then he would not only be definitive and authoritarian but also the world's best punchline to any joke. "So this guy is dying of cancer, and before he dies, his last wish is to have a real Bavarian cream pie. He visits the local bakeries and none of their pies tastes just right. So he charters a plane and flies to Bavaria. While landing, his plane is struck by lightning and crashes. He crawls out of the flaming wreckage, and barely manages to drag himself into the nearest restaurant, and orders a slice of Bavarian cream pie. The waitress says 'We're out of Bavarian cream pie', so he says, 'ARRR, IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!'" See? It works with any joke, especially if you've got super powers. Just watch out for the Riddler, because he tells Super Riddles that you can only figure out by having brain damage. -- K. Short shameful confession: The first time I read your account, my brain thought you said "a small red cape and a gold panty cat", and that's just as disturbing as that James Bond movie where Archimedes Plutonium gilded Panty Cat. In fact, it _was_ that movie. I shouldn't have stayed in the Bond Movie Of The Month Club for ten years. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some sticky buns have raisins and some have dingleberries. Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 01:34:04 -0500 When I first brought this news story to your attention I forgot to say "further details as events warrant," which means now I'm allowed to give you further details even though events don't warrant them. In other words, I found a version of the article with more stuff in it. [www.local6.com] -> -> Man Caught On Tape Sprinkling Fecal Matter On Pastries -> -> A cab driver in Dallas, Texas, was allegedly caught on surveillance -> video sprinkling dried fecal matter on cookies and pastries at a -> grocery store, according to a Local 6 News. -> -> Behrouz Nahidmobarekeh, 49, is on trial for allegedly throwing the -> feces on pastries at a Fiesta grocery store. Is that the supermarket whose slogan is "Fun, Feces, Fiesta!"? If so, I'm going to stop buying their canned poppy-seed filling. -> Police said that during an investigation, they found a pile of -> human feces by his bed. Investigators believe Nahidmobarekeh would -> dry the feces, either by microwave or just letting it sit out, -> grate it up with a cheese grater and then sprinkle it at the store. He must be crazy! Everyone knows you don't use a cheese grater for that, you use a feces-grater for that. They sell them at Sharper Image. They're for when you have to take a poop but the only toilet handy is inside a Barbie Fun Hut so you have to make your poop really small 'cause the Barbie Fun Hut says right on the box, "WARNING: DO NOT CLOG BARBIE'S TOILET OR FUN HUT WILL CEASE TO BE FUN." -> "(We are) unable to identify him; just a young boy, maybe 3 years -> old, on the surveillance tape you can see him eating one of the -> cookies and that's the worst part about it, I think." No, the worst part is that the 3-year-old is going to see himself eating that cookie on TV tonight at 6. -> Attorneys in the case were unclear about a motive in the case. Hey, geniuses, how about applying Occam's Razor and deciding that his motive was that HE'S EVIL? You know, some people are just plain evil without any rational motive. Don't try so hard to figure out the logical explanation why this guy sprinkled feces on other people's cookies, because if he does have one you'll have to let him go. Like, it could turn out to be some sort of sting operation where Jack Bauer's daughter would get tortured to death if this guy didn't sprinkle doo-doo on the President's snickerdoodle so he had to do this to prevent a nuclear war and retrieve the stolen master key that opens all the nation's diary locks and stop the terrorists who are planning to crash a train into the International Space Station while Queen Elizabeth is on board to open the Space Westminster Dog Show so it's full of corgis and also Jack Bauer has to shoot all the Amnesty International board members in the face to prevent them from trying to stop him from saving the world by sprinking doody on desserts. See, if the guy had a perfectly logical explanation like that he'd be off the hook. Or you could just conclude the guy is evil. That's the way things work in the real world -- not everyone does everything for a reason. Sometimes bad people shit on your cookies without filing a flight plan. -> Prosecutors will show a surveillance videotape of the defendant, -> which shows him sprinkling a substance on the food. I think a clever laywer could still argue against that evidence. "Your honor, my client was sprinkling something on the food, but it was not a substance. He was sprinkling the insubstantial concept of noetic synergy on the cookies in an effort to make them more thought-provoking without changing them in any way. Also, he's like part of the Universe and stuff, and he has to go free because that flag has tassels on it, it's in the Constitution. I rest my case and now everyone here owes me a thousand dollars." -> The FBI arrested Nahidmobarekeh but turned the case over to local -> prosecutors after they determined it was not a national security -> issue. THAT'S NOT WHAT JACK BAUER SAYS!!! JACK'S GONE ROGUE AGAINST THE ORDERS OF WHATS-HIS-NAME WITH THE HELP OF THE HIDEOUS WOMAN FROM "MR. SHOW" IN ORDER TO STOP THE TERRORISTS IN EXCHANGE FOR THE PRESIDENT GIVING HIM A FULL PARDON AND A DISCOUNT ON HIS AUTO INSURANCE!!! NOW STOP BOTHERING JACK BAUER BECAUSE HE HAS TO DRIVE TO THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION WITHIN THE NEXT HOUR BECAUSE THE SHOW TAKES PLACE IN REAL TIME!!! IT'S REAL!!!!!!! -> Copyright 2005 by Internet Broadcasting Systems and Local6.com. -> All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, -> rewritten or redistributed. But can I sprinkle poopflecks on it? -- K. I heard the Keebler Elves fart on every cookie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some sticky buns have raisins and some have dingleberries. Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 22:07:52 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, geniuses, how about applying Occam's Razor and deciding that > > his motive was that HE'S EVIL? You know, some people are just > > plain evil without any rational motive. > > Heh. Best treatment of this was the episode of X-files where the > serial killer was killing psychics after they failed to tell him why > he was behaving like a homicidal maniac. > > The killer confronted the psychic insurance salesman, who told him, > "You are this way simply because you are a homicidal maniac." > > At which point the killer said, "Oh. Thank you. That makes sense." Therefore it was the wrong explanation, because on "The X-Files" it should be something like "You are a homicidal maniac because of the eighth-dimensional astral serpent who controls the CIA by sneaking into their bedrooms through the keyhole because it can turn into a cloud of zombie bees -- that makes sense." "The X-Files" would have stopped real quick if David Duchovny ever said, "Wait, none of this makes sense," and walked out through one of the keyholes. I liked the original "Kolchak: The Night Stalker", 'cause, I mean, Darren McGavin rules. He's like Adam West but with a goofy little easy-to-smash camera instead of a Bat-Holographic-Laser-Camera. I'm a little worried about the new version of "Kolchak: The Night Stalker", 'cause it'll probably be yet another rip-off of "The X-Files", instead of being a revival of what "The X-Files" was a bad rip-off of. Also they'll have to give Darren McGavin a cameo in it, and everyone will be expecting him to curse continously for five minutes while kicking the crap out of the basement furnace, because that movie is the only thing anyone remembers seeing him in. I wish they'd release a DVD of his movie "Mission: Mars". That's the one where the interior of the rocket ship had lots of little lockers with signs on them for what was inside, such as, a locker that said "NOTE PADS". See, that's another reason he's almost Adam West. At least they've brought out all the original "Kolchak: The Night Stalker" shows on DVD (the two TV-movies and all the series episodes.) But I demand there be more Darrin McGavin on TV. And not a replacement Darrin, because replacement Darrins are lame. But they could replace Tom Bosley if they re-made that episode where Tom Bosley was in charge of the records-storage facility in the salt mine that had the killer lizardman in it. Hey, anyone can replace Tom Bosley, anywhere, any time. In fact, I'm replacing him right now. This is Tom Bosley signing out. -- T. Marion, what am I going to do with this bathtub full of potato salad? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some sticky buns have raisins and some have dingleberries. Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 21:53:27 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Sometimes bad people shit on your cookies without filing a flight plan. > > > > That's a good one. > > sig it, Pete! > If you don't I will. I say you should both do it. Then I will judge the two .signatures and if I have a favorite, I'll give a Fudge Sprinkle Snackwell's to the other one. But I expect that most likely each .signature will be beautiful in its own way, so I'll just give the cookie to someone who doesn't even have a .signature. ...SOMEONE... WHOM... YOU... DON'T... KNOW. (That "Twilight Zone" episode is so quotable precisely because the twist ending is so stupid. It's the one from 1985 or '86 where the unpleasant constantly-bickering couple get a box with a button on it and are told that if they push the button, they will get a bunch of cash, and SOMEONE will die... SOMEONE WHOM THEY DON'T KNOW. Then eventually they push the button and receive their money, then the scary guy tells them he has to take the box back and give it to SOMEONE ELSE... SOMEONE... WHOM... YOU... DON'T... KNOW. Except the acting is even hokier than that. Also the speech may not actually use the word "whom" because this is TV, where there is even less grammar than what there be here on the Internet.) What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, dinner. Who wants some? -- K. Sometimes bad people shit on your cookies just to become immortal in your .signature. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some sticky buns have raisins and some have dingleberries. Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 21:44:59 -0500 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Sometimes bad people shit on your cookies without filing a flight plan. > > That's a good one. But is it better than my 568,184,209,113 other ones? They're all good. Except the one someone sprinkled dried shit on. But it's only one. So keep eating, there's little chance of you eating someone's poo. That's the new McDonalds slogan: "Eat a McDonalds! You're more likely to win our rigged Monopoly game than to eat any of our employees' poo!" -- K. Do not attempt to dial that number, because I made it up. If you want to dial a non-made-up number, try dialing pi. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Lots42's Hint For Dealing With Life Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 04:07:06 -0500 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > Hint #1: Always set up near the restrooms. Because people gotta pee. Didn't I see you at the Folsom Street Fair? -- K. How do people flush you? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: One day in Grenoble Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 22:00:08 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > In retrospect, maybe bringing a severed head to the opera was not such > a good idea. [...] Dammit, man, that's not a good idea, that's a great idea! How could anyone even consider going to a hoity-toity opera without bringing something to throw at the fat lady? I say, SEVERED HEADS FOR ALL! VOTE FOR ME FOR PRESIDENT AND THERE WILL BE A SEVERED HEAD AT EVERY OPERA! (This is one of those days when I speak entirely in bumper stickers.) -- K. Dammit, why won't anyone X-ray my brain for free so I can have proof that I'm this way for a good reason? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Questionable Graphic Design Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 22:24:13 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Go here now: > > http://www.jimfg.com/images/Wwlogo.gif > > I saw the above logo on a horse trailer recently. Now maybe it's just me, > but does it not look like hands flashing some very metal devil horns over > someone who's bent over and showing their li'l brown starfish? If you hadn't said that was on a horse trailer, I wouldn't have known what it was. Actually, I still don't know what it is, but I can pretend I do because it's got to be something about two branding irons searing a horse who is already cursed with a square anus. "We brand your square-anused horse, in stereo!" You didn't mention the same folks' other equally awesome logo: http://www.jimfg.com/Ji2.GIF Equilateral triangles are such a design cliche', so they worked hard to make that one be so scalene. 'Cause pyramids that are symmetrical are _so_ 5,000 years ago. They manufacture a truck bed called a "Rough Ryder", which makes me imagine a porno movie where Darren McGavin keeps saying "You'll shoot your eye out!" Anyway, if you folks like bad graphic art, I'll have to sneak a photo of the attempt at a "NO PARKING!" sign inside the lobby of my building. The fact that nobody ever tried parking inside the lobby takes a back seat to the bizarre layout of this one. -- K. It's actually more of a NO NO PARKING PARKING sign. I'm guessing the layout program was Microsoft Word. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sequels that are betterer Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 22:47:26 -0500 "Otto Bahn" (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Between the gay butch police chief and all those > shots of Mel Gibson's butt, Rocky Horror ain't got > nothing on Mad Max. Not to mention the gay bikers. > Those movies are disturbing on several levels. > Apparently food and water are not important -- a > single can of dog food will get you through an > entire movie. But "Flash Gordon" didn't have any dog food. Or did I miss something? I think you need to rent "Hell's Angels '69" 'cause Terry The Tramp is more charming than all the "Mad Max" bikers put together. Bigger, too. Also, check out "The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr. T". > [...] Plus you can survival multiple high speed > car crashes, and even lay down a bike at high speed. > Uh-uh. My boss the ex cop once told me about a > lady who slipped off the back of motorcycle. She > had a miserable last hour or two. You want to see ridiculous motorcycle stunts, see the pathetic "Mission: Impossible 2". There's that scene where Tom Cruise wants to hide from the bad guys who are shooting at him, so he gets off his bike and slides along in a crouch beside it (while it remains upright) without being hurt by any of the sparks shooting out of his shoes. Do you think John Woo might be even dumber than, say, Tom Cruise? The movie also lets you make a different actor's voice come out of your mouth whenever you put a sticker on your Adam's apple. I heard that in one of the out-takes Tom Cruise mistakenly used a Hello Kitty sticker and went around frantically waving his arms to try to communicate "I HAVE NO MOUTH AND MUST SCREAM!" > I'll concede that shotguns are wonderful toys. They > got that part right. So what other sequels are better > than the original? "Star Wars: Episode III" and "Episode IV" are better than the original "Episode I". I'm so glad they left Jar Jar out of the three newest movies, except for that tiny glimpse of him sneaking into the restroom to smoke dope in the Mos Eisley cantina. It's also good that after "Episode III", they chose to make Darth Vader a lot taller than he was in "Episode III". The new guy is much more imposing than that old Hayden Christensen guy. Why did they have to replace Hayden Christensen? Did he die back in the '70s? My favorite moment in any of the recent "Star Wars" movies is when Greedo fires his pistol at that new Han Solo guy, but the beam stops for a moment in mid-air, giving Han time to remove his upper torso and put it to one side before the beam resumes moving and misses him so he can then shoot back because Han is such a softie that he always lets people shoot at him first, just to be sporting. Plus then he gets to show off his super-powers to pick up parts of his body and slide them around. I'm just happy that in the newest movie, they explain that Boba Fett will be digested in the Sarlacc pit for a thousand years, so that means that even if they wait nine hundred years before making "Episode VII", Boba Fett can still climb out and kick everyone's ass. -- K. I can't wait for that new "Star Wars" TV series. I hear it's going to have three Starbucks, two Apollos, a theme song written by Rod Stewart, and you can phone a special 900 number to vote for which star wins the war. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chewy WTF? Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 22:55:49 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > I have wackyparsed this package for YEARS and still do it every time. > > http://users.bestweb.net/~notr/chewy.html > > The text goes sideways up one side and down the other, but the e's on > both sides face almost the same way, so it's unfortunately easy to read > the whole thing sideways. It doesn't help any that the guy in the middle > looks so much like a bacterium. You are not alone, it can _only_ be read as "Chewy e-Coli". You better enjoy those while you can 'cause I heard Apple just sued them for stealing the name of their new bacterium-size music player (it can hold up to a quarter of a song.) I assume that, before drawing that logo, whoever makes these ice cream patties made themselves a big hash brownie. Didn't I see that green guy on "The Altered State of Drugachusettes"? I am now making it my mission in life to show Charles Nelson Reilly that wrapper to hear him say either "Chewy Louie" or "Chewy e-Coli". If he says the right one, I get to advance to the SuperMatch round! In any case, it's always funny to hear him say "Chewy". -- K. Is there anyone in Vermont who isn't stoned? The whole state is like some sort of extremely square hippie commune. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: smartass salsa Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 23:01:25 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Nice palm. I read a great deal of pleasure in your future. > > At my next visit to Taco Bell, months later, it seemed they had > eliminated all the nonsexual sayings, and started giving out > correspondingly fewer sauce packets. My first packet had the saying > quoted above, and the other two continued: > > It's okay . . . you can say it. I love you too. > When I grow up, I want to be a waterbed. I always get the "When I grow up, I want to be a waterbed" one, and it always confuses me because I assume it's just saying that Taco Bell is going to keep making their hot sauce be more like sex in a canoe (fucking close to water.) > I suppose by the time I go back there again next year they will have done > away with the sauce entirely and will just have the people at the counter > offer sexual favors directly to the customers instead. I don't want to know what Mike O. is going to spill on the counter. -- K. You people are perverts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Why didn't anyone tell me there were other ugly fruits to see? Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 05:52:07 -0500 Today at the market I spotted a fruit which was new to me: The Buddha's Hand. It's a lemon shaped like Cthulhu's face. Imagine a squid entirely covered in glossy yellow lemon skin. It's absolutely the creepiest-looking food ever. I would have bought one, but I was afraid it would eat me. But I noted its existence because at last I have discovered the most deformed-looking produce item possible. Seriously, this is a fruit that would make Yoichiro Kawaguchi cringe. If you want to make your own at home, buy a pound of yellow Play-Doh, then give your Play-Doh Fun Factory a bad case of hemorrhoids, and squeeze the Play-Doh loaf through the hemorrhoids with enough force to make the machine grunt "UNNNGH!" as the stuff squirts out in seventeen simultaneous squiggles. Or just look for the real thing in the Defective Fruit section of your local supermarket, unless your local supermarket is a Trader Joe's, in which case get the Play-Doh instead (it tastes a lot like Trader Joe's butter-flavored chicken nuggets.) You can see a photo of the Buddha's Hand at http://www.logees.com/prodinfo.asp?number=C2018-2 That page helpfully explains, -> -> This cultivar of the Citron is the most exotic and unusual -> container fruit we grow. Uh oh. It's not a normal fruit, it's a container fruit. Wonder what it's filled with? Acetone? Live bees? Evil? -> Thought to be the oldest known citrus in cultivation, it produces -> a large fruit with long protruding fingers and a thick rind. -> Although inedible, the rind is often candied. "HEY KIDS! I'VE GOT INEDIBLE CANDY!" "Waah, Halloween is ruined!" "But remember, kids, before eating all the inedible candy I just gave you, have it X-rayed at the police station to make sure I didn't hide any razor blades inside where the candied inedible bees are." By the way, various cooking sites explain that usually the inedible rind goes all the way through to the other side -- because these lemon-colored deformities are so long and thin, there's no pulp inside, just more skin. Scary skin. So does Buddha really have Cthulhu's face where his hands should be? 'Cause that would be mixing two different fictional characters made up by Gary Gygax, and he'd punish you for violating two of his copyrights by making you look at a Buddha's Hand until your brain is squashed by The Ethereal Play-Doh Fun Factory Of Gary Gygax. Also, the _original_ Play-Doh Fun Factory looked like a factory, but they quickly changed it to being shaped like a desk stapler without changing the name to Play-Doh Fun Tax-Preparation-Related Desk Accessory. (The stapler-shaped one was originally sold as the "Fun Factory Jr.", before they discontinued the good one. I guess kids were having too much fun with it, making their own Buddha's Hands and summoning Gary Gygax.) -- K. That explains why they always gave you the pentagram-shaped extrusion hole. It's for summoning the Dark Nerd. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why didn't anyone tell me there were other ugly fruits to see? Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 23:30:42 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > > > Too many gay chefs. You'd have been fine if you hadn't > > mentioned you *enjoyed* cooking. > > Or had I mentioned that I like using a flame thrower, and red-hot > pieces oof iron. So apparently the words "creme brulee", sprinkled with accent marks, don't exist where you work? I guarantee you, anyone who cooks with weaponized blowtorches is going to be making creme brulee, which is the gay version of quiche. Seriously, you could do worse than to be known around the office as "the gay guy who makes dessert and then licks the blowtorch". -- K. Oh, and all those chainsaw ice sculptors? Gayer than Oscar Wilde dressed as Buster Brown dressed as Oscar Wilde, but butcher than a sack of bulldogs. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why didn't anyone tell me there were other ugly fruits to see? Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 21:17:02 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Gaaah! What *is it* with people? > > My wife is handicapped, and I do most of the cooking, cleaning, etc. > Plus, I enjoy cooking. When I mentioned this to a cow-orker, he said, > "Mark, you'll make someone a wonderful wife one day." > > I had to kill him and fillet him, of course... It's nice of you to do the cooking so your handicapped wife doesn't have to -- that way he can relax. I think the correct zinger for you to have used in that situation would have been to just give him the glower and say in a very firm voice, "SO TELL ME, WHEN TWO GUYS GET MARRIED, HOW DO THEY DECIDE WHICH ONE IS THE WIFE?" and keep staring right into his eyes without blinking. When someone's trying to make you uncomfortable, just push back and watch that balloon pop. After all, he was either expecting you to have a pleasant chuckle over his innocent little joke, or else to get all upset your masculinity was questioned and storm off in a huff without trying to sell him any more comic books. Either reaction would have been good for him, but as in a couple of other incidents we've been discussing in today's articles, he was trying to demonstrate a tiny amount of control over your reactions. If you want him to not call you a woman, you gotta be a man. And next time let's leave mommy's candy-red pantyhose at home! -- K. One of the best things about a.r.k is that it's one of the few newsgroups where a large number of people will get references as obscure as that movie quote without running away screaming "Aaaah! I'm the only one who knows where that's from, so Kibo must be inside my brain! Dial 9-1-1, I need emergency trephination!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why didn't anyone tell me there were other ugly fruits to see? Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 20:40:36 -0500 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry" (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think the correct zinger for you to have used in that situation would > > have been to just give him the glower and say in a very firm voice, > > "SO TELL ME, WHEN TWO GUYS GET MARRIED, HOW DO THEY DECIDE WHICH ONE > > IS THE WIFE?" and keep staring right into his eyes without blinking. > > When someone's trying to make you uncomfortable, just push back > > and watch that balloon pop. > > Are you playing in Texas Hold 'Em tournaments too? Pinball, son, pinball. Poker is for guys who drink, guys who smoke, and the cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation", but I was only on the original series. > Also, considering these intimidation mind games, do the > French have a word for the witty comeback that you finally > think of as you walk down the stairs and out the building? That depends on whether French news servers accept "Supersedes:" headers. Poker is not about intimidation, poker is about concealment. Anyone who tries to win a poker game solely on the basis of "I can make people scared of me!" is going to get taken to the cleaners because it's the environment where such tactics are least likely to work -- everyone else at the table is going to be aware of how such things work. Much like airline screening procedures -- which would have the greatest likeliness of catching terrorists and drug smugglers by _randomly_ selecting who gets screened, so that nobody can make a prediction and adapt their strategy -- it's very important to not let the other players know what you want them to do. No matter how great an actor you are, if you are giving a histrionic performance of "I've got a good hand but I'm going to act all smug but I'm going to do it slightly badly so that they'll think I'm bluffing and raise me when I'm actually only bluffing that I'm bluffing" there's still a better chance of them being able to counter your strategy than if you give them no cues. You win by reading other people's cues, not by sending out signals of your own. This is analogous to studies of "Prisoner's Dilemma"-style game matrices, where if the two players play the same matrix over and over, the best strategy is to choose between the two options randomly (with a certain probability assigned to each based on a simple calculation from the constants in the matrix.) If you assume the other player is at least as intelligent as you are -- always a good assumption to make if you don't like sharks stripping you naked -- adopting any sort of deterministic strategy should be noticed by the other player and countered by them being able to predict what you'll do next. (Of course, you can adopt a predictable strategy and then once the other player starts reacting to it, suddenly switch, but that only works once per series.) Anyway, poker is a game where you have to use your senses and conceal your motives. The games you can win by glowering at people tend to be simpler things like "chicken" and "let's see who can hit the softest", games which don't have any strategy other than "BIGGEST TOUGHEST JERK WINS! AND IF HE DOESN'T HE'LL POUND YOU UNTIL YOU SAY HE DID!" Pinball doesn't have any strategy with respect to the other player (unless you're such a poor sport that you run up behind them and drop an ice cube down their back while they're playing), but there are strategic decisions to be made with respect to where to aim the ball, and more importantly, how to work around the 35% of moving parts which are broken. Actually, I take that back -- a few pinball machines do have actual multiplayer strategy, such as "Twilight Zone", where there is only one Powerball, and there are two balls which are alternately delivered to the launcher, so in a three-player game, if you're player 1 and you take the Powerball out without putting it away, you know that player 3 and then player 2 will get stuck with it. But that's hardly a big deal compared to actually trying to get yourself a good score. -- K. The French have a word for everything. Unfortunately, all those words are in French. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why didn't anyone tell me there were other ugly fruits to see? Date: Wed, 09 Nov 2005 21:55:03 -0500 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Poker is not about intimidation, poker is about concealment. > > Anyone who tries to win a poker game solely on the basis of "I can make > > people scared of me!" is going to get taken to the cleaners because > > it's the environment where such tactics are least likely to work -- > > everyone else at the table is going to be aware of how such things > > work. > > Otay, whatever you say. The chip bully with the large > stack isn't intimidating anyone. There's a large element > of intimidation in poker. Bluffing counts. So do large > bets in general. Duh, of course they do. I'm not saying that "bluffing" and "intimidation" are always the same. I consider bluffing (in poker) to be something that is done with chips, and intimidation something that involves emotional manipulation. I was talking about to the newbie players who do things like glowering at the center of your forehead steadily in the hopes that you'll get nervous and blurt out what cards you have, or the ones whose idea of a bluff involves leaning backwards to look relaxed and slightly smiling like they're trying to conceal a smile. They don't realize that any degree of "acting" causes them to have more tells than ever -- they have to give the same elaborate performance during fake bluffs and real bluffs, and most people can't lie convincingly, let alone tell a fake lie. Someone like you can learn after a couple hands how to tell their fake confidence from their real confidence. It's far better to just suppress all facial and postural signaling rather than trying to throw up phony ones as camouflage. That way the other players only have information about numbers of chips and odds. > You're describing slow playing, maybe. > I'm pretty sure you haven't played much no limit Texas > Hold 'Em. I haven't -- I've only played poker. > It's all about intimidation. The prisoner's dilemma is irrelevant > if you can read your opponent better than he can read you. Or you > can just play the odds. Nothing random about it. The good players > win a lot more often than the average players. Exactly. The players who try to stare at the others to make them slip up, or try to display smugness by darting their eyes around and giggling when they bluff, are going to get taken apart by the people who are concentrating on playing the game with the cards and the chips instead of playing "Let's Pretend I'm A Poker Superstar!" Playing strategy should be what you do with the chips and stuff, not what you do with your face. You must have played against some of those marks who think poker is all about showing everyone else how tough they are, or giving hammy performances that they think will fool you. Me, I think about the names of baseball players and try to watch the other people's faces. I'm not a very good player (I don't know as much as you do about betting strategies), but I like to think I at least understand how not to play like one of those bozos whose idea of poker strategy is a lot like Perry Mason's idea of courtroom procedures. All I'm saying is that some really inept players think it's all about acting, when the competent players know it's about suppressing your own signals while you play the actual, tangible game. Some people think psych-outs alone are a winning strategy. Comes from all those TV shows and movies where they show tough guys smoking tough cigars while playing tough poker in a testosterone-filled chamber. They never show the smart guy winning, they always show the most macho guy winning. Tell you what: Since I'm skilled at pinball and you're skilled at poker, I challenge you to a game of any of those pinball machines that also has a poker game in it, like the "Star Trek: The Next Generation" machine. That'll be fair to both of us! Then if I get the high score, you have to be my butler. If I get ten times your score, you have to be ten butlers at the same time. You bring the quarters and I'll bring the bubble level. -- K. If memory serves, it's RRLLRLRL if you don't want to cross your arms to get the secret poker mode when Holodeck 3 is lit. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why didn't anyone tell me there were other ugly fruits to see? Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 23:04:41 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It's nice of you to do the cooking so your handicapped wife doesn't > > have to -- that way he can relax. > > The jerk - he sits there in his underwear, making huge beer burps, > and ogles at that hu