From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: HOLLOWEEN!! Which is Worse?
Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 00:16:51 -0500
Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote:
>
> GarondoMarondo@hotmail.com wrote:
> >
> > The person that gives out the sugar free candy, or the one that hands
> > out Slim-Fast bars?
> >
> > I'm ignoring pennies and coupons.
>
> Whoa, I wackyparsed that as nevermind.
Slim-Fast bars are relatively expensive, aren't they? Therefore it's
impossible to completely dislike them. It's even harder to dislike
them for those of us who aren't fatsos.
I like to give out expired Easter bunnies. But I paint skulls on
them to make them more Halloweeny.
> Anyway, the worst I saw this year was orange-flavored Kit-Kats.
> That stuff was made out of pure 100% radioactive AAAAAAUUUUGH!!!
Hey, stop staring at my costume. Also, it's not a costume! It's my
_normal_ clothing! STOP STARING AT MY INCREDIBLE NORMALNESS!
> Thumbs down to orange-flavored Kit-Kats.
What if they were still orange-flavored, but were the Canadian version
of Kit-Kits with the wrapper that got stuck in 1956?
What if every one had a dollar bill wrapped around it?
What if a Canadian dollar was real money?
When I was a kid, of course I was exposed to the standard lectures about
not taking unwrapped candy because of evil dope addicts hiding their used
syringes and antique single-bladed razors inside apples, 'cause everyone
knew you couldn't unwrap a Hershey bar, do something evil to it, and
then fold the paper around it again. (For more details, see the
Halloween episode of "Freaks & Geeks".) Anyway, there was this one
cheap old woman down the street who always gave out homemade popcorn
balls. But this was okay because nobody wanted to eat them anyway.
That's not candy, that's biodegradable packing peanuts!
So how many of you guys would change costumes halfway through the
evening to go back to the houses that had the best candy?
And did any of you live in neighborhoods where _all_ the houses
had bad candy?
-- K.
Thankfully, now the Super 88
Supermarket exists so you
can get bad candy whenever
you want some!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: What Ghost matrin wake avoid LPE math
Followup-To: alt.fan.pooh
Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 00:37:19 -0500
In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote:
>
> The fascist methods of the usa are " If he shoe fits ,,wear it "
> Ha HA Hanson ...I started that .
> I had to stop and look at the gps plotter when I sat down to remeber
> what sea I was in..
> went down to the arcade room ..the kids got a race simuator thats
> fucking ausome.
> remeber the 3 inch slot cars from the 70s ..
> these are about 5 inch and have a cam looking forward and you do drive
> these and steer them around then recharge evry 25 laps by changing the
> power pack as quick as you can .
> [...]
> As long asthe vurtual pool table stays I dont care ..that pool table
> belongs in the smithsonia some day . no real balls and magnetic pool
> sticks . push a button and its racked.
> Its just more fun then a real ball table.
> I think that table was a insane 1/2 mil.
> [...]
> the 4d phone booth is 3d on all 4 sides chagiing holograms ,,the 3
> coolest things in the room .
Dear Pee-Wee Herman,
Please tell us more about the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit in the imaginary
yacht in the sea of balls in your brain.
You deserve The Nobel Prize For Pretending To Have Fun Toys. Of course,
it's a very special version of the Nobel Prize. It comes in an empty box.
You get to choose whether to believe it's just invisible, or your mommy
stole it.
Also, please tell us more about your imaginary children. How much older
than you are they?
-- K.
So how often do you have to go
to the doctor with a virtual
pool ball stuck in your mouth?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Even better than an Unidentified White Powder scare!
Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 02:51:06 -0500
Earlier I quoted a news story on a strange candy smell that was invading
New York City. Here's the New York Times's version.
[www.nytimes.com]
->
-> Good Smell Perplexes New Yorkers
Greatest headline ever! Except it should say "Non-Urine Smell Perplexes
New Yorkers".
-> By Kareen Fahim
-> Published: October 28, 2005
->
-> An unseen, sweet-smelling cloud drifted through parts of Manhattan
-> last night. Arturo Padilla walked through it and declared that it
-> was awesome.
Yeah, but awesomely what? Awesomely good? Awesomely bad? Awesomely
indescribable?
I declare the smelly cloud to be very. It's extremely very!
-> "It's like maple syrup. With Eggos. Or pancakes," he said. "It's
-> pleasant."
Hmm, "Arturo Padilla" is an odd choice of a cover name for someone
who is obviously a Canadian infiltrator whose plot to pass himself
off as a loyal American was foiled by our Maple-Syrup-Scented
Canadian Detection Bat-Gas.
-> The odor had followed Mr. Padilla and his friend along their walk
-> in Lower Manhattan, from a dormitory on Fulton Street, to Pace
-> University on Spruce Street, and back down again, to where they
-> stood now, near a Dunkin' Donuts. Maybe it was from there, he said.
-> But it wasn't.
->
-> Mr. Padilla was not alone.
THE ODOR IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!! (music sting)
Then Rod Serling steps out of the cloud of vapor and reassures him
that he won't actually get a bullet in the head if he renounces
his Canadian citizenship when he wakes up from his RED MAPLE NIGHTMARE.
(I never get tired of '50s propaganda films. We should tell our
Government to make more of them. It should be a lot easier now that
all the Commies are dead, as they won't complain when we make movies
about their evil ways.)
-> Reports of the syrupy cloud poured in from across Manhattan after
-> 9 p.m. Some feared that it was something sinister.
Well, duh. In Manhattan, after 9 p.m., everything sinister happens
that's possible to happen.
If the terrorists had crashed planes into the World Trade Center
after 9 p.m., everyone would have just shrugged their shoulders
and said "eh." It would have been just one of the millions of
horrifying things that happen at night in Manhattan.
If you're ever in Manhattan and the sun goes down, you need to
immediately find shelter somewhere safe, like one of those nightclubs
under Christopher Street, or possibly a White Castle. Just don't
eat the weird little burgers, especially if you chose the White Castle.
-> There were so many calls that the city's Office of Emergency
-> Management coordinated efforts with the Police and Fire
-> Departments, the Coast Guard and the City Department of
-> Environmental Protection to look into it.
What sort of zweeb calls the Coast Guard to report that they smell pancakes?
("Hello, I'd like to report smelling pancakes -- and they smell nautical!")
-> By 11 p. m., the search had turned up nothing harmful, according to
-> tests of the air. Reports continued to come in from as far north as
-> 112th Street shortly before midnight. In Lower Manhattan, where the
-> smell had begun to fade, it was back, stronger than before, by 1 a.m.
->
-> "We are continuing to sample the air throughout the affected area
-> to make sure there's nothing hazardous," said Jarrod Bernstein, an
-> emergency management spokesman. "What the actual cause of the smell
-> is, we really don't know."
Here, let me explain how the entire New York / New Jersey region works:
Company has too much rancid pancake syrup on their hands.
Environmental-protection laws forbid disposing of rancid pancake syrup
in any way.
Company hires Lucky Nuccio's trucking company to transport all of
the pancake syrup somewhere.
During a brief rest stop, the valve on the back of Lucky Nuccio's
tanker truck is opened up a little.
The mysterious shiny brown stripe along several hundred miles of the
Thruway and the Pike and the L.I.E. washes away next time it rains.
Company writes off the rancid pancake syrup that spontaneously
disappeared in transit.
-> There were conflicting accounts as to its nature. A police officer
-> who had thrown out her French vanilla coffee earlier compared it to
-> that. Two diplomats from the Netherlands disagreed, politely.
-> Rieneke Buisman said it smelled like roasted peanuts. Her friend
-> Joris Geeven said it reminded him of a Dutch cake called peperkoek,
-> though he could not describe that smell.
Well, that would be a cake sitting next to a woman who was naked except
for a red latex hood, smoking a doobie, while a cop in a "Star Trek"
uniform watched, smoking a larger doobie.
I know everything about every country.
-- K.
The wannabe-terrorists who
put New York on edge with
their gallon bottle of vanillin
could crash our whole economy
if they ever got some asafetida.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Even better than an Unidentified White Powder scare!
Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 21:41:59 -0500
Cam (cam.barr@beer.com) wrote, in an article which crashes my newsreader
when I try to post a followup, so this is actually a followup to one
of Joe Bay's articles but it was written by Cam:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > If you're ever in Manhattan and the sun goes down, you need to
> > immediately find shelter somewhere safe, like one of those nightclubs
> > under Christopher Street, or possibly a White Castle. Just don't
> > eat the weird little burgers, especially if you chose the White Castle.
>
> The burgers are fine, go ahead and eat them. Just throw away the
> pickles, it's the pickles that make you sick.
I didn't think the Manhattan White Castles came with pickles.
They do come with pickles in Minneapolis and other regions, but
if my memory is correct, the crime committed by the New York
White Castles is that they give you little packets of ketchup
and then also drench your burgers with runny translucent pink
corn-syrup-flavored just to render any decision about whether
to use the packets pointless. So in New York, you have to
specify "no ketchup" even if you want to put good ketchup on.
Minneapolis and Detroit never threw icky fake ketchup all over
my burgers.
Other regional differences are in the chicken sandwiches --
Minneapolis's chicken is a triangle, New York's is a torus, and
I'm told Chicago's is a square with a layer of cheez hiddden inside.
The New York locations also had fried clams last time I was there,
and yes, I actually ate some because I like breading a lot more
than I like actual seafood. Mmm, micro-clams!
I did have a bottle of some "lime with mint"-flavored beverage
from a local health-food store today which tasted exactly like
dill pickle juice. It tasted green, bitter, and sour due to
a combination of horsetail pulp (WHICH IS NOT LIME NOR MINT)
and pineapple juice (WHICH IS NEITHER LIME NOR MINT.) Worst of
all they charged me $2.19 for it. That's the sort of price
they charge for stuff at Trader Joe's, they shouldn't charge
that much at real health-food stores!
(Trader Joe's is NOT a health-food store, even though it turns
you gay if you shop there.)
-- K.
I do weird things with
my frozen White Castles.
For instance, I toast
them so the bus are
crunchy but the meat's
still liquid.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Even better than an Unidentified White Powder scare!
Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 02:28:02 -0500
Captain Infinity (Infinity@captaininfinity.us) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I do weird things with my frozen White Castles.
> > For instance, I toast them so the bus are
> > crunchy but the meat's still liquid.
>
> I'm gonna call the MBTA and tell them to look out for *you*.
The reason I accidentally left the "n" out of "buns" on purpose was
merely a clever ploy to detect terrorists whose brilliant plan revolves
around them being too dim to tell a bus from a bun. Then, I summon
Gene Wilder, who puts on his varsity sweater and becomes Letterman,
who can defeat evil by adding letters to it unless he needs an
emergency quadruple bypass and Kathie Lee Gifford has to host his
show while he's having his chest cut open before he gets back to
doing exactly the same stuff night after night after night. Was that
painting painted by an elephant or a human? Will I care even less than
I did the last fifty times? Geez, go back to picking a lucky number
or something. Or cut to an Easy Reader segment. He's outta sight!
I heard when Easy Reader took the subway from 125th Street to
Park Street Under, he sprained his mouth trying to read "MBTA"
as a one-syllable word. Then he got into a boxing match with
Bill Cosby and the Cos got so punch-drunk that he made an episode
of "Fat Albert" where the moral came out "Never share anything
with anyone, ever" instead of "Always share everything with everyone
all the time" and also Fat Albert weighed 98 pounds and Mushmouth
kept pronouncing "MBTA MBTA MBTA MBTA" clearly.
Oh, and that hat with the eyeholes that Donald wears? That's not
a hat, that's a polyp. You're welcome!
-- K.
I don't think you can call the
MBTA -- I believe they don't have
phones, they just have that Web
site where they update the
"Which Subway Lines Are Currently
At Or Near Schedule" page once
a week, so you can find out if
any trains have been stuck for
a full week.
"At or near schedule" is MBTA-
speak for "Yeah, might be running,
might be broken, why don'cha try
to ride it and see."
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Even better than an Unidentified White Powder scare!
Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 22:03:00 -0500
"Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > "At or near schedule" is MBTA-
> > speak for "Yeah, might be
> > running,
> > might be broken, why don'cha try
> > to ride it and see."
>
> Or else he'll ever return
> No, he never returned
> And his fate is still unlearned
> He may ride forever 'neath the streets of BostonĘ
> He's the man who never returnedĘ
Look, I'm going to forgive your crime of knowing who the Kinston Trio
were in light of the fact that you fucked up my formatting worse than
if Manley Hubbell ate a nutmeg bigger than his head.
Oh, I am so angry. Put my words back in the order I had them sorted in,
or I'll use the Eludium Pu-238 Explosive Space Modulator to create
a screen-shattering kabewm.
-- K.
It's amazing that Mel Blanc
drew all those cartoons all
by himself.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Just found the group
Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 22:03:52 -0500
"Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Of course, the thing about habaneros is that it's easy to cheat if
> > you just want to impress your friends -- a habanero that's been sitting
> > around a while will gradually weaken as it dissolves its own tender
> > flesh.
>
> Sad & Glad to say, that wasn't the case here. Said hab was picked 2
> hours before it met its demise in my jawbox. I got the full
> pharmacological effect, sotos-peak.
I salute you, you magnificent tongueless bastard. Eating a whole, fresh
habanero is the ultimate in self-inflicted pain unless movies with
talking babies count. I don't go that far, I just do spoonfuls of
mashed habaneros -- eating a whole one would probably have me rolling
around on the floor drooling for about half an hour.
Was it a big one or a little one? With most hot peppers, the little
ones seem to have more capsaicin per unit volume (I think maybe baby
peppers are born with all the capsaicin they'll ever have and it just
spreads out as they grow) but I don't have enough experience with
habaneros to know if they also become less heat-dense as they grow.
Of course since you were eating the whole pepper the only difference
this would make is that it would give you more roughage to help
scrape the capsaicin off your tongue as you chewed.
> > My first habanero was one of those (from the supermarket) and I was quite
> > disappointed.
>
> There are the Aji Dulce Imitation Habs For Purentee Wussies, result of
> the evil food scientists breeding all of the capsaicin out of perfectly
> good habs. They do retain the nice fruity tang (FNARR when ready,
> Gridley) of the Real Thing but have zilcheroo heatwise.
The thing that most bugs me about the supermarket habaneros (besides
that they're usually flavorless and rotten and not hot and extremely
rancid) is that they're such a lame pale green color, not the exciting
fire-engine red of the ones that go into my favorite hot sauces.
Pale green suggests things which are innocent and sweet, like celery.
I consider celery a form of candy.
Cream of celery soup plus habanero sauce is a great combination.
-- K.
I was disappointed that I went
to the best Japanese grocery
store in the area yesterday,
and they had neither fresh
perilla leaves ("ohba", aka
"beef leaves") nor pickled
perilla bits. Now what am I
supposed to do to find bitter
vegetables? Dig up Groucho Marx?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Just found the group
Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 22:17:14 -0500
"Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I salute you, you magnificent tongueless bastard. Eating a whole, fresh
> > habanero is the ultimate in self-inflicted pain unless movies with
> > talking babies count. I don't go that far, I just do spoonfuls of
> > mashed habaneros -- eating a whole one would probably have me rolling
> > around on the floor drooling for about half an hour.
>
> Yep, that was about what it was like - imagine unhooking the 220volt
> line from behind the stove and havin' a suck on it...
There's 220 volts back there? Cool! I'm going to go have a suck on it
right now... hey, my stove's wires are full of stinky fart gas!
Some smelly fish has stolen my electricity!
> [...]
>
> It was a medium-sized orange jobber. Nice and crunchy, too. Up until
> then, my maximum scoville dose was from the chile pequins which a vato
> friend of mine used to eat like peanuts. A tall boy Bud, a bowl of dried
> peppers and the TV on HBO-recipe for a wonderful evening.
I've never had a pequin, but my understanding is that they're a little
hotter than habaneros according to Scoville (but of course they're teeny.)
I don't think I've ever seen pequins for sale in Boston, otherwise
I'd definitely try one.
> The Red Savina super habs are still a bit rare-excepting when they're in
> season at your local farmer's market. Supermarkets (especially up
> northward) tend to throw out more habs than they sell.
Hey, I've worked in a supermarket, so I know you're wrong -- supermarkets
never throw out anything, ever. Even if it has so much fuzz growing on
it that nobody will ever buy it, it'll just become part of their deli's
chicken pot pies, which also sit around until they have new fuzz growing
on them. (The main reason every supermarket sells stuff like Jamaican
beef patties is that they will _not_ throw out expired ground beef.
It's gotta go somewhere.)
> Habaneros are really easy to grow and one plant will furnish a normal
> household with an ample supply of torment. You, my leader, may need
> two or three.
Yeah, I know, I've read the picture book "Daddy's House Of Torment
Has Two Habanero Plants".
> Oh, and they're quite pretty as plants go.
The last pepper plants I tried growing were okra, which I really
enjoyed because they grew very fast and got those interesting little
jewel-like spherical resin drops all over the leaves. But only one
plant ever produced a pod and a green caterpillar ate it.
> > Pale green suggests things which are innocent and sweet, like celery.
> > I consider celery a form of candy.
>
> Then there's that pale green wasabi paste, not to be confused with
> guacamole.
One of the Japanese markets here sells tubes of some sort of paste
which is made from the ingredients "green pepper" and "lemon".
The label shows a picture of long skinny green hot peppers, but
it tastes more like green peppercorns mashed up with pickled lemon.
It's not very hot, but it's one of my favorite condiments, and
it does have that candy-like quality that all the best condiments do.
> > I was disappointed that I went
> > to the best Japanese grocery
> > store in the area yesterday,
> > and they had neither fresh
> > perilla leaves ("ohba", aka
> > "beef leaves") nor pickled
> > perilla bits. Now what am I
> > supposed to do to find bitter
> > vegetables? Dig up Groucho
> > Marx?
>
> Hmmm-you may want to search nurseries rather than the Asian marts.
> Perilla is also fairly easy to grow and is much better when fresh. It
> even is available in many fancy colors!
If by "easy to grow" you mean "easy to grow if your plantation has
extra slaves so you won't mind some of them becoming useless after
their hands are covered with blisters from harvesting the perilla."
Perilla farmers get terrible dermatitis because if you handle the
plant enough, its contact poison contacts you.
and STOP TOUCHING MY FORMATTING!!! GO TOUCH PERILLA INSTEAD!!!
-- K.
The Japanese stores
all stopped carrying
the habanero-flavored
potato rings I liked,
the ones with the
really cute Satanic
pepper on the package.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Actually disturibing ads for Halloween
Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2005 22:13:19 -0500
barbara@bookpro.com wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I want to know more about the person, vent figure, or clown-shaped balloon
> > inflation machine you were jabbing with the screwdriver, and what they did
> > to deserve it, and whether you let them have a cookie before you did the
> > second eye or made them wait until afterwards.
>
> It was just a pack of cards, as Alice might say.
I've never understood why a stack of cards is called a "deck".
It's not as if you look sane if you put on a sailor suit and swab that deck,
whether you use a mop or a Q-Tip.
By the way, does _anyone_ think traditional sailor suits look cool
and not just ridiculous? Sailors should switch to something more
modern with smaller bell-bottoms, like first-season "Space: 1999"
uniforms.
> A friend and I were making 100 masks of Richard Thompson, preparatory
> to going to his show on Halloween night. I was using the screwdriver
> to make the eye holes.
Who's Dick Thompson? The forgotten member of "Kids In The Hall"
who was kicked out for being too gay? Or just someone whose
poetry slam you were preparing to heckle?
> Before his performance, we distributed the masks to members of the
> audience near the stage. We all raised them at a prearranged point in
> the show, and the lights were briefly brightened so those on stage
> could see them. It seemed to have a suitably surprising and
> disturbing effect. Can't say he liked it (though his bass player and
> road manager and the audience and venue staff did). It wasn't trick
> or treat, exactly--we played a trick, and he played a treat.
I just realized that if Stanislaw Lem ever builds that machine that
destroys the letter "r", people are going to be saying "Tick or teat!",
except without the "or" part, unless the machine skips even-numbered
"r"s, but that would be silly, so it would probably be "Tick o' teat!"
> Before we got home, a picture was up on his Web site, courtesy of one
> of the staff and the road manager:
>
> http://www.richardthompson-music.com/catch_of_the_day.asp?id=492
>
> I don't know any of the people in that picture. I was sitting at the
> other end of the audience.
I still have no idea who you're talking about, though I never trust
anyone with a flat stick for a neck. I demand round sticks for
properly pencil-necked people.
-- K.
And what's a poetry slam?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Actually disturibing ads for Halloween
Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 21:56:29 -0500
Dave Brown (dagbrown@LART.ca) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > And what's a poetry slam?
>
> I'm not so sure, but I gather from a friend of mine who takes part
> in these things, that they're a sort of competitive-poetry event.
Competitive poetry? Sheesh, those hippies and beatniks had to ruin
poetry with their competitiveness. I bet they're also going to
have "Zen To The Death!" meditation battles (like in "Scanners"!)
and contests to see who can inhale the most patchouli oil.
> She was once asked politely if she could maybe not use such
> *overpowering* poetry at future poetry slams, which leads to some
> interesting mental images indeed.
That's just snuff porn with a "y" on the end of every line.
-- K.
Y? Because we love you to death.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Actually disturibing ads for Halloween
Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 21:53:12 -0500
David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Sailors should switch to something more modern with smaller
> > bell-bottoms, like first-season "Space: 1999" uniforms.
>
> In Futuristic Uniforms, do the buttons get turned into sliding scales?
> Loading bars? Simple touch-sensitive surfaces? I need to know, I have
> a robot maid to repair...
Sheesh, you didn't watch enough TV in the 1970's. I thought everyone
knew exactly what Rudi Gernreich's "Space: 1999" costumes looked like.
(Technically, he was credited as designing "Moon City costumes", as
apparently Barbara Bain coaxed him into designing her outfit before
they'd nailed down Moonbase Alpha's name.)
The normal "Space: 1999" costume in the first season (unisex --
for the second-season they added a skirt version for the space chicks)
was a beige turtleneck with beige bell-bottoms, with white go-go boots
and a very wide gold belt worn over the untucked shirt. Each shirt
was solid beige except that the collar and left sleeve were color-coded
(black for command, white for medical, rust for administrative, yellow
for astronauts, purple for security, etc.) with a very large, lumpy,
uncomfortable zipper running the length of the one colored sleeve.
(Of course the turtlenecks had zippers, because even in the futuristic
year of 1999 they didn't have the technology to fit Barbara Bain's
hair through a neck-hole.)
So, anyway, the combination of the Moon's low gravity and the Moon's
disco soundtrack led to lots of bellbottom-flappin' action during
chase scenes.
Science has not yet determined what sort of futuristic underwear
they had under the bellbottoms, but since it was Rudi Gernreich,
I imagine it was something made from transparent plastic with large
holes in it.
The discotronically fab costumes by Rudi Gernreich were the part of
the "Space: 1999" production design that wasn't copied from Kubrick's
"2001", which is good because it left something for Regis Philbin to
rip off in 2001, when he started a brief fad for wearing a brown tie
with a brown shirt and a brown suit. That's how the people on the
moonbase in "2001" dressed, as blandly as possible.
Anyway, the reason I specified first-season "Space: 1999" uniforms
was because in the second season they made the uniforms look much less
attractive by adding pinstripes which were wholly inappropriate for
designs with such large areas of solid color, and then slapped on
silly photo-ID badges (just in case aliens chose to impersonate
any of them and only had the technology to make costumes but not
badges -- remember the episode where they spot Martin Landau's evil
backwards twin because the aliens didn't know how to change the
part in his hair?) as well as some other goofy gigantic insignia,
such as the enormous "LSAO" coaster glued to Zienia Merton.
By the third season, they would've been wearing plaid covered
with Rickie Tickie Stickies and Wacky Packages.
So anyway, the normal reaction to early "Space: 1999" episodes is,
"Hmm, they had some fashionable discowear amid all the total crap!"
That's why we should keep those original "Space: 1999" uniforms alive
by making our nation's sailors wear them, so they'll be ready for
the next Bicentennial.
You young whippersnappers don't remember the horror of the Bicentennial,
an entire year when the USA decided to pretend its IQ was really low.
It was like Y2K but sappy. Everyone was all "YAY, IT'S 1976 ALL YEAR,
THAT MEANS I SHOULD DRESS LIKE WONDER WOMAN! SPARKLERS FOR EVERYONE!"
It was the year the country chose to act like it was stoned, even
when it wasn't, and you better believe most of the people who were
enjoying "Space: 1999" were stoned.
-- K.
Other "Space: 1999" costumes
you might consider next Halloween:
1. Brian Blessed in "The Metamorph".
You'll need to buy several cans of
pink Play-Doh to do your hair.
2. Martin Landau's silver suit
in whatever that episode was where
he had to talk to the alien that
was so bright that it kills you
if you can see it or hear it so
he had to go yell at it while in this
suit that made him deaf and blind.
3. Christopher Lee in that episode
where you see his wig fall off in
a take they actually used. That's
also the episode where one of the
frozen aliens sits upright in the
middle of another take they used.
Hey, it's not a blooper if they
didn't cut it out!
4. Any of the whip-wielding catsuited
high-heeled dominatrixes in the episode
that didn't need to have a plot because
it had whip-wielding cautsuited
high-heeled dominatrixed.
5. Rita Webb, credited with playing
"Slatternly Woman" in "The Taybor".
6. Any of the Judges Of Luton, who
were a still picture of three trees.
And yet all three gave better
performances than Martin Landau.
That series was a never-ending parade
of bad Halloween costume ideas, until
it ended.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: STORY (new): Homeless Einstein
Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 02:52:00 -0500
Homeless Einstein
Copyright (c) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry
At the Institute For The Institution Of Science, Einstein looked through
his microscope at a very complicated equation and suddenly a thought struck
him. "Homeless people sure dress tacky!" He adjusted the one sock he'd
remembered to put on that morning and went back to work.
But one of the many homeless people who had bought tickets to tour the
Institute overheard him. The man tapped Einstein on the shoulder and
said, "Hey, you shouldn't mock the homeless -- you don't know what it's
like to be homeless."
A little imaginary light bulb went on inside Einstein's brain. He ignored
the light bulb because he knew it probably wasn't real, and then the thought
wound its way through his brain: He should become homeless so that it
would be okay for him to mock the homeless! To prepare for his new career
as a hilarious standup comedian specializing in mocking poverty, he put
on his most comedic bow tie, clenched his left hand around a golf putter,
and destroyed his home by setting off a bomb that filled it with horse mucus
until it popped.
Einstein found a plastic Slurpee cup on the ground, and he had two pennies
in his pocket, so he put the pennies in the cup and started working at
earning serious income by aggressively shaking the cup in the face of
everyone who walked past. He soon found that he had to shake the cup
really hard within three inches of their nose, otherwise they would simply
ignore him instead of pointedly ignoring him.
Eventually a passing altruist gave Einstein a penny, because it was dirty
(earlier his dog had eaten and passed it.) Einstein looked at the three
pennies in his cup. "Hooray! Now I can get myself a swanky three-penny
brunch!" He spent the money on a pizza with eight toppings, all of which
were different types of imported sausage.
After eating, he went back to work shaking his cup at people, but something
was wrong! Because the cup was empty, it didn't make any loud noises,
ruining his chances to annoy people enough to throw their money at him!
He realized that with no money in his cup, he would never be able to get
any money, so he threw the cup away.
Then he spotted a quarter on the ground, but he didn't pick it up because
he had no place to put it. Einstein cried!
After that, he went home, because he didn't really blow it up. I lied.
But I lied for a valid social purpose: To teach the world that
EINSTEIN IS NOT HOMELESS.
the end
-- K.
I hope I never become homeless,
because then I'd have to carry
my cable TV cable around all day.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: KIBO
Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 21:19:16 -0500
Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote:
>
> Also, have you heard of a chili pepper extract called "The Source" at
> 7.1 MILLION Scoville units? Hottest thing on the planet, they say.
Yes, I've heard of it, I've had it, I said "eh."
_Every_ uninteresting hot sauce claims to be the hottest one ever,
including both the ones well above and well below 7 million.
As I've said many times, any hot sauce whose entire marketing campaign
is based on claiming it's really hot is awful. It's like saying
"Watch our sitcom because it's louder than any other!" All super-hot
sauces taste exactly the same, since they're all made from the same chemical.
Any sauce which claims to be hotter than a chili pepper itself is
going to consist of capsaicin plus bozotic marketing.
Does this brand A block of 7 million pounds of saccharin taste sweeter
than this brand B block of 6 million pounds of saccharin? Who cares?
I'd rather have actual sugar on my doughnut.
> Two drops (they also say) will overheat a 15 gallon vat of chili.
...if it's chili for babies.
Think of it this way: If it really is about 2000 times hotter than
Tabasco, that would be equivalent to 2000 drops of Tabasco in
15 gallons of chili. Tabasco.com says there are 60 drops per teaspoon,
720 drops per 2-ounce bottle. So that's three bottles of Tabasco.
As there are approximately 15 bowls of chili per gallon, you're
adding those 2000 drops of Tabasco to 225 servings of chili --
we're talking nine drops of Tabasco per bowl. That's not what
I would call tremendously hot.
It is, however, a tremendous waste of money to buy any of these
things that, when diluted, won't even have as much pepper flavor
as a few drops from a 69c bottle of generic red pepper sauce from
the supermarket. These fifteen-zillion-Scoville distilled capsaicin
extracts have no real-world applications unless you're willing
to pay through the nose for the ability to add heat without
accidentally adding any vegetable matter.
> I sawr it on the colour tee vee, so it must be true.
Nuh-uh. Black and white TV is less likely to lie, except when women
are wearing light blue unitards.
Radio is even less likely to lie, which is why everybody in the
United States believed Orson Welles when he said the Martians had
destroyed the whole world except for the radio station and the house
of the listener. Really, everyone in the USA believed that.
...or so everyone believes.
-- K.
All, each of them thinks
they're the only one who knows
that the Weekly World News
is just a newspaper and
not a documentary.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: KIBO
Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 20:31:58 -0500
Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote:
>
> "Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote:
> >
> > It's so sad that in any communal workplace lunchroom refrigerator
> > situation there's always one doofalero who thinks (s)he has divine
> > right to anything within said fridge.
>
> Yeah. It's amazing how small a group can be and things
> still break down. Even for communal kitchens (where
> everyone shares and pays the same, allegedly), people
> always feel like they are getting ripped off unless it
> is a really tight, small group. The lunchroom thief
> just boggles me. They often do things like eating only
> a part of a serving and leaving the other half. It is
> mildly psychopathic.
It's just human nature -- in office situations, where people don't
consider themselves "friends" with each other, life is a constant
series of little dominance battles (overt, passive-agressive, or
even unconscious) as the dorks act out their frustrations by
competing with each other. If someone ate your whole slice of cake,
you'd think "someone ate my whole slice of cake and didn't care",
but if they eat only half your slice of cake, then they _want_ you
to think "someone is trying to send me a message that they can
do whatever they want with my food." Eating the whole serving is
an act of asociality, but eating half the serving is an act of
social dominance.
If you really want to be the alpha male, take just one bite of
everything.
Remember the "Seinfeld" episode where Jerry's girlfriend gets revenge
on him by telling him she dipped one of his possessions in the toilet,
and he goes insane trying to figure out which? You can do that at the
office too -- "I licked something on your desk, see you tomorrow!"
Offices are such dysfunctional environments that that sort of behavior
goes on all the time, weird little turf battles and mind games as all
these people who are oppressed by the evil management take their
frustrations out on each other, while The Man sits back and cackles
as the ants fight for his amusement. There is a human need to be
dominant at times, and if a job requires people to have a boss, they
often express that need for dominance by being jerks to other people
in the same position.
I had an interesting encounter while in the checkout line at Target.
I held out my debit card to the cashier, and he indicated that I
would have to swipe it myself in the well-hidden machine positioned
further down the checkout lane. I tried it repeatedly and the machine
didn't work. Then the guy said "It's broken, you have to let me do it,"
and held out his hand for the card. The subtleties are important --
he didn't say "I can do that for you", he said "you have to let me do it".
Basically, something was going on where he refused my request for him
to swipe the card so that he could then tell me I had to "let" him do it.
The transaction involved a shift in who was choosing what would happen
next, but with the same outcome, a truly petty moment.
You can post a followup to this if you want to -- I am explicitly
giving you my permission. YOU'RE WELCOME!
> > I say the end justifies the means regarding what it takes to get the point
> > across.
>
> I draw the line at mouse traps. Rat traps can actually
> break some bones.
Anything can break "some" bones.
I draw the line at things that can break more than one femur at a time.
So whaddaya draw your line with? Tattoo guns are messy so I usually
just use one of those purple surgical markers they make Moxie out of.
-- K.
By the way, I hate half
of your birthday cake,
so that means I only need
to take half your presents.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: KIBO
Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 20:05:18 -0500
Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote:
>
> I heard that Americans often misinterpret a famous video clip where
> Yasser Arafat and some Israel guy are meeting at Camp David, and they
> both insist that the other go in first, and this goes on for too long
> and President Clinton has to shove them in. Americans think "aww,
> look how courteous they're being!" People actually from the Middle
> East think "Good for you, guy-on-my-side! Don't let him tell you
> who's going in first!"
Right, that's my point. Power is not telling other people what to do.
Power is not doing what they want you to. You recognize they're trying
to play you and then you must choose to either play to win or refuse
to play. You know, the whole Patrick McGoohan thing.
I'd vote for him for President. Unless he wanted me to. Which he wouldn't,
because he's too cool to care what I think.
Ever refuse to buy a particular brand because you've seen too many
commercials for them? That's why I rarely vote for either Democrats
or Republicans. I'd never vote for anyone who actually wanted to
be President.
But anyway, imagine Patrick McGoohan at Camp David. That's the only
way we'll ever have peace in the Middle East. It would be like that
episode of "All In The Family" where Archie Bunker and Sammy Davis Jr.
get locked in the make-out closet for a week and when they come out
they've each got one blue eye and one brown eye, no wait, that never
happened, and if it did it would have been not only stupid but
completely unrelated to whatever point I was attempting to make.
So instead just close your eyes and think of Patrick McGoohan,
your choice of Original Patrick McGoohan or New Improved LSD-Filled
Patrick McGoohan With Cowboy Hat And Evil Walkman.
-- K.
Just steer clear of Exploding
Head Patrick McGoohan Named
After A Famous Elderly Sexologist
Who's Not Sue Johanssen.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: KIBO
Date: Wed, 09 Nov 2005 06:35:42 -0500
dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote:
>
> ***lightbulb goes on***
>
> When I in that situation at Walgreen's, I was ticked (and still am.)
> Not because I had to go back to that mode that I'd not really had
> to use since I lived in California, but because someone's behavior forced
> me to against my wishes. Or more accurately, I *let* them force me into
> that mode against my wishes.
> I'm a very courteous person and used to be surrounded by much the same.
> Gender and age of the person entering the door behind me gets treated
> exactly same way by holding the door for them to prevent it from slamming
> in their face. And as crazy as the drivers have always been here , there
> was always a unexpected courtesy when you least expected it. I could
> count on at least once a day of seeing or being the recipient of
> an act of unexpected kindness and I would do the same.
>
> I resent very much that this area has changed so drastically almost
> overnight in every day common manners and courtesy and now, I'm forced to
> deal with it instead of just removing myself from the situation & I'm
> getting my edge back against my will. I don't mind using manipulation on
> asshats like that, but _I_ want to be able to make the choice when and I'm
> also insulted when someone like that thinks I'm too stupid to know they're
> up to something like that. Gah!Grrr!Hulk!SMASH!
Basically, there are two fundamental philosophies of interacting with
other people. One is the Captain Kangaroo way -- everybody should be
nice to everyone all the time and share everything with everyone all
the time. The other is the Mr. Rogers way -- it's nice to be nice
but sometimes other people are mean so you need to stand up to them.
The first approach teaches that bullies will start being nice to you
if you offer them half of your candy (and really, try it sometime,
that's never worked outside of "Davey & Goliath") while the second
approach quotes the Golden Rule ("Do unto others as...") and Goethe
("You must be the hammer or the anvil.") If everyone in the world
followed the nicey-nice approach, everyone would get along fine.
And if everyone in the world was good at playing the second approach,
things would be fine too (everyone would know the same rules, all
cards would be on the table.) But the problems begin when the two
cultures mingle, especially when a Nice Person meets a Goethe Person
who is inept at it (i.e. someone who is inconsiderate and pushy.)
That either leads to the Nice Person feeling bad about rolling over
for the jerk, or the Nice Person having to change tactics.
And you shouldn't feel bad about the fact that the other person
was a jerk to you. You did nothing wrong.
The important thing is that not all people in that second category
are mean to random people. Most do follow the Golden Rule and play
well with others as long as they don't sense that anyone's trying to
manipulate them (then the claws come out.) So bear in mind that
when you stood up to the jerk, you didn't turn into a jerk (a specific
subtype within the second community) but instead borrowed some tactics
from the majority of the second community. You haven't changed in
a way that will make you mean to people who aren't trying to control
you. You've just added some tools to your kit of ways to deal with
the occasional person who is thinking (perhaps unconsciously),
"She's a Nice Person, I'm a Goethe Person, so she better let me
go ahead of her in line because I'm the only one in the drugstore
who could possibly be in a hurry."
(I don't remember the details of your Walgreen's story, but I have
noted that a lot of people in drugstores seem to make a big deal
about how they're in more of a hurry than everyone else -- standing
next to pills makes certain people really self-important. So I'm
assuming the Walgreen's story must involve someone who decided
he had to leave the store before you because all he was doing was
buying a single candy bar which entitled him to go ahead of you
because he was in a hurry to have his candy.)
Those of us who live in the Northeast, unfortunately, are more
predisposed to learn tactics for dealing with jerks. People who
live in California or Seattle or (especially) Minneapolis will
mostly meet nice people but just try smiling at strangers in
New York or Boston and see how quickly someone yells WHADDAYA
LOOKIN' AT WHEN I AIN'T LOOKED AT YOU YOU WANTCHA FACE BROKE?
And believe me, it's just as much a shock for us Northeasterners
when we go to one of the Nice parts of the country and people
act all friendly WITHOUT PROVOCATION! Like, the first time I
was in Minneapolis, the cashier in the supermarket told me all
about his car troubles and showed me a photo of his car. I had
to keep fighting down the part of my brain that kept telling me,
"It's got to be a scam! Get ready to jump him!" but he was just
a person who was just as friendly to strangers as to close friends.
I'm from a culture that treats friends in a friendly way and
strangers in a civil way.
Walking around Las Vegas will let you study the interaction between
the two cultures. Everyone with a big happy, relaxed smile on their
face and makes eye contact with strangers is a local. Everyone who
hurries past you with no eye contact and an agonized grimace is
a business traveller from somewhere like New York.
New Yorkers can be very pleasant to you if you deal with them on
the correct level, i.e. if they know that you know that you're
both playing by the same rules (Golden Rule, etc.) But if a
New Yorker senses that you're from the other culture -- the All Nice
All The Time culture -- it creeps 'em out and they immediately assume
you just fell off the turnip truck that they really don't want
you showing them a photo of so STOP LOOKING AT THEM!!! New Yorkers
are not inherently rude, they're just different. When the two
cultures collide, everything's okay as long as the person who's
out of their element adapts their tactics and plays by local rules.
Otherwise, one person gets rude and the other person gets pushed around.
Either that, or you could try carrying a gun. (If you don't have one,
check Aisle 5 at Walgreen's.)
It's not just the United States that has these two colliding cultures --
Canada has a two-axis system with Nice People and Goethe People as
well as English-Speaking People and Weird-Talking People. (Canadians
think of Toronto as the area where people act like New Yorkers.)
So although Canada is mostly Nice People, you have to contend with
additional unwritten social-interaction rules 'cause of the two
languages (a linguistic barrier automatically creates a cultural divide.)
Thankfully everyone in the USA speaks English. (There are no Hispanics
in the USA, I know because I watch prime-time TV.)
In short, you're not a bad person just because you shop at the same
drugstore as creeps. You're only a bad person if you round up all
the creeps and trick them into going to a different drugstore where
Davey and Goliath shop. Poor Davey and Goliath!
-- K.
"Hey, punching this kid
is like punching a little
rag doll! And his dog
won't even defend him,
he just scolds us!"
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: rubber baby bumpy stickies (was: KIBO)
Date: Wed, 09 Nov 2005 21:01:32 -0500
pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote:
>
> There's something about a bumper sticker with Mr. Smiley Face
> frowning and saying "Don't tell me what kind of day to have!"
> which is inherently New York.
In Boston, bumper stickers are pretty rare. I think people here
don't have time to vandalize their own cars before they crumble
into a pile of salt and rust.
But occasionally you see someone who wants you to know how
important their opinions are by putting two of the same bumper
sticker on the same car at the same time. My favorite recent
example: Someone bought two of those "yellow ribbon" stickers
(having two of them makes Iraq surrender twice as fast!) and
not only put them both on the bumper -- despite that their
bumper wasn't tall enough so they had to put them on sideways --
but they also applied the two little pizza-slice-shaped cutouts
from the centers of the sticker sheet:
-------------------------------------------------------
### ## ## ###
## ## # ## ## # ## ##
# # #### #### # #
## ## # ## ## # ## ##
### ## ## ###
-------------------------------------------------------
The sideways ribbons represent supporting the troops
aboard the Starship Enterprise and Moonbase Lowercase Alpha,
and the Enterprise is firing pizza torpedoes because
the Borg cannot assimilate cheese.
The previously-discussed stickers with crayon stick figures
representing your number of children haven't penetrated to
the Boston area. All we get are Patriots logos, an
occasional pride flag or "[=]" decal, and those ubiquitous
imitations of European country-code ovals that mean
absolutely nothing 'cause they have random letters in them.
I started trying to compile a list of ones I'd spotted to
see whether I'd see any of them again but I gave up.
They all might as well say "NGETTAMTAMD".
Hey, that would be a very New York thing to have on a sticker...
To fit it in that ellipse you'd probably have to typeset it
in Univers 39 (that's the extra-light extra-extra-condensed one)
and then people would think it said "|||||" until they got
close enough for you to slam on the brakes and make them go
through their windshield.
-- K.
MY OTHER CAR IS WITH STUPID
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: rubber baby bumpy stickies (was: KIBO)
Date: Wed, 09 Nov 2005 22:15:07 -0500
Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > In Boston, bumper stickers are pretty rare. I think people here
> > don't have time to vandalize their own cars before they crumble
> > into a pile of salt and rust.
>
> Speaking of which, I just purchased a mini-van to haul the fambly around,
> and it is sadly lacking in Grateful Dead bumper stickers. Since there is
> only one remaining head shop in SLC, I'll have to cruise on down there to
> rectify the situation.
I gave you a straight line like "before they crumble into a pile of salt
and rust" and you completely missed the chance to say "...but what about
their cars?" What's wrong with you, don't you own an Obvious Bag?
Here, you can borrow mine -- I'll hold out this Obvious Bag, and
when I nod my head, you rip it open.
Anyway, I would like to hear all about the Salt Lake City head shop.
Given that all I know about Utah is that beer, cigarettes, and fun
are prohibited within 1000 miles of the state, I figure your local
head shop must be something even lamer than Spencer Gifts. They
probably don't have crack pipes with the "GLASSWARE IS SOLD FOR TOBACCO
USE ONLY" sign, they probably have plastic bubble pipes with kitties
on them marked "PLASTICWARE IS SOLD FOR NO USE ONLY."
I still miss that plastic bubble pipe I had with the cat face on it.
That was one of my favorite toys for no reason I can figure out.
I guess just 'cause I liked bubbles and I liked cats. I actually
had two (a red-brown one with a beige lip, and a black one with a
beige lip) but I didn't like the black one so much.
You know, I haven't blown bubbles in a long time. I should go out and
get some soap. I mean, I have this seventh-floor outdoor balcony.
And I can buy jars of bubbles soap at any local supermarket because
I don't live in Utah!
(Hey, bubble soap _must_ have some illicit use because supermarket
toy sections only contain three things: Adult-size metal handcuffs,
punchballs, and jars of bubble soap. The first two are things only
grown-up perverts and druggies buy, so I'm sure the supermarkets
aren't intending bubble soap for kids because if they wanted to
stock just one toy for kids, it wouldn't be something as lame as
bubble soap.)
What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, your hippie van. I think you
should bolt a sidecar to it so you can be a hippie and a biker dude
at the same time. Then you could go do this wacky comedy act consisting
of an impression of Altamont, if you don't mind beating yourself up.
> Also, this means that the old station wagon is about to embark on it's
> incarnation as an art car dubed "The Harvester of Eyes". As I mentioned
> here a while back, I am planning on doing a collage of designs using
> pictures of eyes cut out of magazines.
If you've got a color printer, I can E-mail you some extreme close-ups
of my eyes. Well, actually, you won't need a color printer assuming you
have something that can do a nice medium gray that looks like graphite.
> This will take a lot of eyebulb pitchurs, so I appeal to all of the
> denizens of ARK, that if you have magazines sitting around waiting to be
> defaced, I request your assistance in the form of mailing me said eye
> pictures. Contact me by email for where to send them.
Sorry, but I already sold my copies of Eye Hockey Fetish Quarterly
at a flea market. They went home with some weird guy in a pirate hat.
> Also, please hip me to any eye-related plastic doo-dads and suchlike that
> would be appropriate for such a monstrosity and if I can work them into
> the design they will be glued, or otherwise fastened to the beast.
Obviously Slinky Crazy Eyes dangling from the rear-view mirror.
Have you considered just getting a purple Miatta and painting two huge
eyes and a creepy smile on the front, and keeping a puppy imprisoned
in the glove compartment? Then you'd get little kids following you
around asking you how to get the balloon you need to get through the
door that has a lock that can only be opened by a balloon of the correct
color, or whatever other puzzle they're stuck on. For true cognitive
dissonance, while driving the purple smiling Miatta, dress up like
a talking fish who is also a spy and wears trap-door pajamas.
Better yet, forget the car. Just wear the trap-door pajamas.
Send me a photo of you wearing trap-door pajamas and I'll send you
a photo of Morgan Fairchild's eye hockey.
-- K.
For two photos, I'll
send you her actual
eye hockey.
I'm saying "eye hockey"
so many times right
now just to make
baby Rich Hall cry.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: KIBO
Date: Wed, 09 Nov 2005 20:45:28 -0500
Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > And believe me, it's just as much a shock for us Northeasterners
> > when we go to one of the Nice parts of the country and people
> > act all friendly WITHOUT PROVOCATION!
>
> And some of them actually mean it. But, in general, I find
> it a more pleasant existance. The metropolitan Northeast is
> so "Hurry up and wait!!!"
Yep, that's it. We need to develop some sort of test we can administer
to people to determine whether or not they're in that category so that
we can find the precise boundary of the region on the map. I suppose
the test would involve us accosting people on the street and asking
them if they want to take a survey, and the answer to that question
is all the data we'd need.
Minneapolis: "Would you care to listen to my sales pitch?" "You seem
nice, so, sure!"
New York: "Here's $20. Have fun with it." "Whadda fuck are you
tryin' to pull?"
> > New Yorkers are not inherently rude, they're just different.
>
> It's hard explaining that to others. The tradeoff, I think,
> is that friendship is valued a bit more. It's difficult to
> meet people without being introduced, i.e. people want some
> ostensible reason your existance is worth dealing with. It's
> not better or worse.
It's such an amazing two-tier system, the division between "close friends"
and "random people", even though our language doesn't have separate
pronouns for them like German's "Du" and "Sie". I view it as being
something like the Army, where two Army guys will relate to each other
in one way but they'll relate to civilians in a different way and
civilians will relate to each other in a third way.
I think that blaze orange camo they sell for hunters is great.
If I had my own Army, the uniforms would be all blaze orange camo
to make sure the bad guys could see us coming, so we could see them
wet their non-orange pants.
> I don't miss it, either. Whenever I drive over the George
> Washington Bridge, I roll down the window and yell, "Hey buddy,
> fock you!" I hope I never hear anyone yell back, "Allahu
> Akbar!"
Well, at least you're calling them "buddy" to show you're saying
an invisible smiley face after it. They'd be more likely to blow up
your bridge if you yelled it in all caps.
There's currently a trial in Baltimore where the defendant is claiming
the court can't prosecute him because the charges were filed with his
name in all caps. With a brilliantly scheming mind like that, one has
to wonder how the police captured him -- did they just leave a bear
trap in the middle of the street, or did they send him one of those
postcards whichs says "DUE TO A COMPUTER ERROR, YOU HAVE WON A RAFFLE
YOU DIDN'T ENTER (IN ALL CAPS) AND TO QUALIFY FOR YOUR PRIZE YOU
SIMPLY HAVE TO SPEND A NIGHT IN A HAUNTED HOUSE LOCATED INSIDE
THE SUPERMAX WING OF THE BALTIMORE PENITENTIARY, WHICH IS A BIG
WORD MEANING 'PARTY PLACE'! SHOW UP IN THE NEXT TWELVE HOURS AND
WE'LL ALSO GIVE YOU A BOTTLE OF THOSE PILLS THAT GIVE YOU A BLOWJOB!
IN ALL CAPS!"
-- K.
We need to invent a third
case of letter that's beyond
caps, and only spammers would
use these new Supercaps,
so we could all ignore them.
But what if any spammers were
smart enough to try to work
around that by switching back
to regular loud caps? Simple:
All keyboards would have
Supercaps Superlock key
which, once pressed, would
be locked down forever.
Also each smiley would cost
a dollar. A CAPITAL DOLLAR.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: KIBO
Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 23:36:10 -0500
Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> No.
>
> Power is doing whatever it is you want to do, for whatever reason you
> wish. Whether you wish to dominate, cooperate or submit, those
> behaviors are all within your power.
But what if wanting to submit means you want to do what you don't want to do?
Then the whole Universe crashes, leaving behind only a little bomb,
the message "GURU MEDITATION #00000003.FC4A1BD9", and a cute little
icon of a sad Universe. And that's followed by some story by some
Hofstadter guy where poor Spot gets crammed into a matrix and inverted
in order to prove that some "Doctor Who" episode was actually the
same as Pachelbel's Canon played sideways and then it turns into
a cycling tour where the guy who invented the indestructible tomato
thinks he's Clowder Rogers and it turns out that C-L-O-W-D-E-R is
the secret message hidden in the DNA that was hidden inside pi
and Jodie Foster looks at it through her space microscope and says
"numinous!" but she doesn't have time for numinosity because she
had to shoot Mark David Chapman in order to save President Lennon
from a plot to replace him with his Russian evil twin.
-- K.
But at the end, the
Universe prints out
a flimsy coupon saying
you get 25 cents off
your next Universe.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: KIBO
Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 21:17:38 -0500
barbara@bookpro.com wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Right, that's my point. Power is not telling other people what to do.
> > Power is not doing what they want you to. You recognize they're trying
> > to play you and then you must choose to either play to win or refuse
> > to play. You know, the whole Patrick McGoohan thing.
>
> Except don't play that dopey-looking game with the padded dresses and
> the trampoline. It was always a waste of episode time.
Excuse me, but Kosho was not a "dopey-looking game with the padded
dresses and the trampoline". Kosho was the greatest manly martial art
ever because it had padded dresses, a wading pool, and _two_ trampo--
wait, you're right, it was dopiness of the sort you find only on
the dark side of The Planet Of Eternal Dopiness.
I love that series, but I'll wager everyone gets the giggles when
they watch those scenes. Of course, I also got the same giggles during
the "Dadiators 2000" episode of "Get A Life". Hmm, if they ever put
"Get A Life" back on the air (they better hurry, before Chris Elliott
gets too old to play a paperboy) they should do an episode where
he gets gassed and wakes up in The Village. Then there could be
a scene where he falls off a really high bicycle. Of course it
would end with him getting his face bitten off by a balloon, because
that's how comedy works. Killer balloons are instant hilarity!
Except on "The Prisoner", where Kosho was the main wacky.
-- K.
What's _your_ wacky?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: KIBO
Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 22:49:45 -0500
Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > -- K.
> >
> > By the way, I hate
> > half of your birthday
> > cake, so that means I
> > only need
> > to take half your
> > presents.
>
> That's OK, I had farted on it already.
Well, whatever you just did to my formatting guarantees you're never going
to get that job you wanted at Eagle Leather. Pardon me, I have to send
some Telexes. Just give me a second to look up L. Ron Hubbard's number.
After this, you won't even be able to get a job in a vinyl store!
My Freudian typo of "I hate half your birthday cake" for "I ate half
your birthday cake" added a real dimension of specialness to my
attempted sentence. It became a Special Sentence! And now, a
special moment from The! Special! Show!
(KIRK KISSES A SEXY ALIEN FEMDROID, THEN PUNCHES HER, THEN
KISSES HER AGAIN.)
FEMDROID 73
Is there some significance to this action?
KIRK
On Earth, part of that is called a "kiss".
FEMDROID 73
My identical twin and I will now baffle you with our powers
of identicalness. You will not know who to kiss because
we are identical. Identical. Identical.
KIRK
Spock, look out! They're identical except for their nametags!
SPOCK
(to FEMDROID 73)
I love you...
(to FEMDROID 74)
...but I hate you.
FEMDROID 74
That is illogical, if you love her you should love me
because we are identical.
SPOCK
Yes, I hate you because you are identical.
FEMDROID 74
Oh no now my brain is slowly exploding during this
sentence I am speaking because your logic is so
perfectly impeccable. Impeccable.
FEMDROID 73
His retardation is not working on me, 'cause he's
just a crazy guy with fake eyebrows.
KIRK
Quick, Spock! Alternately kiss and punch them until
Gene Roddenberry's satisfied!
(THE EPISODE CONTINUES. STUFF HAPPENS. THE END.)
-- K.
Now I'm having visions
of ruining people's
birthday parties by
showing up, yelling
"I HATE YOUR BIRTHDAY
CAKE!" and then saying
"But I'd like a piece
with a rose on it."
Unless the cake doesn't
have any crunch sugar
roses on it, in which
case I'd double hate it.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: KIBO
Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 22:36:16 -0500
Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote:
>
> [...]
>
> The choice wording of things, especially in petty ways,
> is almost amusing if it weren't so annoying. Yeah, that
> happens a lot.
That would have been better if you had said "would be" instead
of "almost" and also your use of "yeah" weakens the emphasis
you should have placed on "that". Also, your Word-Of-The-Day
calendar says you were supposed to mention "nougat".
This copy-editing ain't free, you know. Please tape fifty bucks
to your computer screen before you go to bed. I'll collect it
via the usual method, since your computer has that spyware that
can grab whatever's on the screen.
> The food involves manipulating other people for your own
> amusement without any/much guilt, so I am back to the
> psycopathic thing.
If they manipulate people to achieve some goal such as financial gain
or the betterment of society, that's sociopathy.
If they manipulate people because they find it amusing, that's sadism.
If they manipulate people just to let people who they're in charge,
that's dominance.
If they don't distinguish between the three, that's an easy target.
> There might be a dominance issue but it's the way it is done
> that irks me.
Dude, there's always a dominance issue. Any time two people interact
where one person wants something, knows something the other doesn't,
or owns something the other doesn't, there will be the momentary
establishment of who's in charge of the interaction. If you're
exchanging a dollar for a cookie, you're not going to both go to
an escrow service which will accept the dollar and the cookie and
exchange them simultaneously. One of you will hand over the dollar
or the cookie before the other one, and during that moment, the
one who has both the dollar and the cookie also has control.
Any interaction which requires a decision or transaction must
involve one person or the other assuming responsibility for
controlling how the interaction happens, even in something as
simple as determining whether your gallon jug of water gets
thrown into the shopping bag on top of the cookie. You have
to understand that humans naturally compete for dominance in
little ways on a moment-by-moment basis if you want to find the
path of least resistance to being your choice of polite or rude.
If you're not aware of such little games being played all day,
every day, that's fine as long as the other person is also
acting unconsciously, but if you're not aware of this mode of
human interaction, someone who is will always be three steps
ahead of you and you're gonna walk out of that supermarket
with an eight-year extended warranty on your smashed cookie.
> Besides, it stopped when we moved -- the nightime phone survey
> people don't work here now. The pot seeds on the bathroom floor
> also stopped. This is a pretty laid back area except when we
> are being yelled at by doctors who are trained to yell at
> people if anything ever goes wrong.
Yelling is the wrong way to do it. Yelling works if the person
you're yelling at is clueless about dominance. But someone who
understands dominance knows that in a discussion, the first one
to start shouting has lost control of their emotions to the other.
This is why when you want to really put the fear on someone,
you have to be very firm and calm when you tell them "You do not
have the authority to make me clean your refrigerator."
A psychopath who goes around yelling at people will eventually
blunder into a psychopath who knows how to do the "with. fava.
beans. and. a. nice. chianti." voice and that's why Anthony Hopkins
has dozens of Oscars and "Mommie Dearest" doesn't.
> > Remember the "Seinfeld" episode where Jerry's girlfriend gets revenge
>
> > and he goes insane trying to figure out which? You can do that at the
>
> > Offices are such dysfunctional environments that that sort of behavior
>
> > these people who are oppressed by the evil management take their
>
> > as the ants fight for his amusement. There is a human need to be
>
> > often express that need for dominance by being jerks to other people
>
> We're all mild psychopaths on this bus.
What do you mean "we", mildboy? And if you ever fuck up my formatting
again, I'm going to burn the master tape of your favorite "Seinfeld"
episode, unless you hate "Seinfeld", in which case I'm going to pay
Jerry ten trillion dollars to make new episodes which will air
24 hours a day on all channels. This is neither a threat nor a bluff,
it is a promise, just as the laws of physics promise that if you sit
under an apple tree you're gonna get it.
> > I had an interesting encounter while in the checkout line at Target.
> > I held out my debit card to the cashier, and he indicated that
> > would have to swipe it myself in the well-hidden machine
> > further down the checkout lane. I tried it repeat
> > didn't work. Then the guy said "It's broken,
> > and held out his hand for the card. The
> > he didn't say "I can do that for you
> > Basically, something was goin
> > to swipe the card so t
> > The transact
> > next,
>
> "Checkout line at Target" was your first clue. He's so close
> to shift manager he can almost taste her. I mean "it". He
> has little chance at either.
Ah, you're one of those people who enjoys asking for it.
Then we have much to discuss.
I'll deal with you when I get off the phone with the guy who played
Newman. The new series will have as much Newman as possible because
he's not irritating in small doses.
> [...]
>
> Please to be going easy on the hot sauce.
Then. It. Wouldn't. Be. Hot. Sauce.
Really, Otto, you'd have so much less trouble with your co-workers
if you at least practiced "YOU TALKIN' TO ME?" in front of your
mirror twelve hours a day like all normal people do. If you've
never seen the movie that comes from, you should rent it --
it's the live-action "Rocky & Bullwinkle".
> [...]
>
> > Anything can break "some" bones.
>
> My schlong just recoiled in horror. Was that a social dominance
> thing, or just an involuntary evolutionary adaptation?
Maybe both -- perhaps I travelled back in time and assumed control
of your evolution. You should thank me that you're not an icky
super-intelligent paramecium instead of a normal human.
> > I draw the line at things that can break more than one femur at a time.
> >
> > So whaddaya draw your line with?
>
> Razor blades and mirrors.
You're doing better. Answer the next ten questions you're asked
by saying "With. Razor. Blades." and your co-workers will stop
stealing your Snack Pack pudding cups.
> > Tattoo guns are messy so I usually just use one of those purple
> > surgical markers they make Moxie out of.
>
> Waking up with a hangover and a bunch of surgical lines on
> me would be rather disturbing.
Most people who do this when their drunk friends pass out are so
bad at it that they think writing "I AM A LOSSER" on the guy's
forehead with a black marker is funny, but they're not even clever
enough to write it backwards so he can read it in the mirror.
It's much better to carry one of those gentian violet surgical
markers (the ones that wash off with a bath in ordinary household
rubbing alcohol) and do something subtle like writing "BAD LEG"
on a randomly-chosen leg. Then cover the writing by taping on
a large gauze pad (preferably with some dried blood on it) so
that when they lift it up they'll think you tattooed them.
Also, carry a hypo with a suspension of powdered sulfur in peach oil.
-- K.
I don't understand why you
people always demand that
this newsgroup get so dark.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: KIBO
Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 07:19:43 -0500
Captain Infinity (Infinity@captaininfinity.us) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Dude, there's always a dominance issue. [...] One of you will
> > hand over the dollar or the cookie before the other one, and
> > during that moment, the one who has both the dollar and the
> > cookie also has control.
>
> Wow, what kind of high-end bakery are you shopping at that charges a
> dollar for a freaking cookie?
I never said I shopped there. Now how many cookies are you gonna buy?
Hurry up and buy something so I can unlock the doors and let you leave.
While making your selection, please don't get fingerprints on the glass
display case -- if you must touch something, fingerprints won't hurt
the electrified chrome trim.
Also, we're out of cookies, so we'll give you a two-penny discount
when we substitute lead paint chips instead. That's any color of
lead paint, only 98c a chip. Plus a two-cent handling fee to cover
the cost of the rubber gloves I have to wear when handling your
toxic snack treat.
And that square of tissue paper left in the bag ain't free either.
I'm not saying it's clean, I'm just saying it's worth a lot of money.
-- K.
Still, my cookies are cheaper
than anything from Mrs. Fields.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: "Juicy Exploding Bees" or "Exploding Juicy Bees"?
Date: Thu, 03 Nov 2005 00:26:45 -0500
Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote:
>
> Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote:
> >
> > I saw a sign for a new type of candy that has the words "exploding"
> > "juicy" and "bees" in the title.
>
> "Exploding Juicy Bees" has better cadence.
>
> I mean, the song practically writes itself.
>
> Bees, Bees, Candy Bees, Juicy Candy Bees;
> Stingy happy goodness,
> Exploding Juicy Bees!
>
> Free epi-pen with 5 box tops!
And how is this better than Bee In A Bubble gum, which has been on
the market for years under the name "Hubba Bubba"? Oh, wait, those
weren't bees, they were spider eggs. Never mind.
> > http://photos.timchuma.com/kibology/BurstingBees.jpg
I think the important thing is that Explojuicing Judybees -- or whatever
your weird new Australian candy is called -- is the first candy to be
advertised by gayer-than-usual honeybees with pink stripes.
Pay particular attention to the psychotic facial expression on
the bee that has a blob of "WITH OOZEY LIQUID CENTRES!" splattering
out from where his stinger would be if he had a stinger instead of
an anus that squirts out purple blobs of advertising.
By the way, I can't find the words "Exploding" or "Juicy"
anywhere in the name of the candy in that photo, unless
they're in really tiny print between "Bursting" and "Bees".
Your friends at Nestle' Australia make both Bursting Bees and
Bursting Bull Ants. Those candies are sponsoring "NZ Idol"
this season, a TV show I hope to never see even if they do
an American version of it.
[www.nestle.com.au]
->
-> ALLEN'S BURSTING Bees and ALLEN'S BURSTING Bull Ants can be
-> found in the Family Bag section of the Confectionery aisle
-> of your supermarket or at any leading retailer.
Is a Family Bag bigger than an Obvious Bag?
And ooh-la-de-da, Mr. Fancy Australian Candy Company,
it's "confectionery", not "candy". I bet these people also
call the local playground jungle gym a "climbing structure"
like the foncy-ponces in Cambridge. Maybe "jungle gym" is
offensive to rainforest natives named Jim and "monkey bars"
is offensive to Capucin monks. Hey, that's an idea --
how about a candy called "monkey bars"?
"Monkey Bars: They'll Split Your Head Open!"
-- K.
And what about
Bee Bomb Banana Bars?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Best costume I saw on Hallowe'en (pre-school division)
Date: Thu, 03 Nov 2005 19:48:35 -0500
Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote:
> Granted, mine is a pretty small sample, since we don't get all that many
> kids coming down our block. Don't know if it's the faint streetlights,
> vicious small dogs, or the giant chunks of plutonium sticking out of
> people's front yards.
Science does not permit "don't know" as an answer. Scientific law says
you must do the experiment. Upgrade to bigger dogs and see whether
you encounter fewer whole children.
> Anyway, at one point on Halloween night, the missus and I were
> distributing candy on our doorstep to a small group of kidlings. We
> usually like to get the little ones to talk about their costumes, which
> they do, even though it cuts down on the time they could be spending
> increasing their candy income.
I can just picture you dangling an Ultra Fun Size Zagnut above some
little kid's head and saying "If you want candy, tell me MORE! MORE!
You will confess your costume's secrets or no Zagnut for you!"
By the way, I have a list of 50,000 rejected names for the Zagnut bar,
but I'm not going to post it because they're all silly.
> One little boy, about 4 or 5, sported a small red cape and a gold
> party hat. When prompted, he replied: "I'm a superhero king!"
>
> I think I'd be hard-pressed to come up with a more definitive and
> broad-based scope of authoritative powers than that.
A small red cape, a gold party hat, and a little steering wheel
sticking out of his fly. Then he would not only be definitive and
authoritarian but also the world's best punchline to any joke.
"So this guy is dying of cancer, and before he dies, his last wish
is to have a real Bavarian cream pie. He visits the local bakeries
and none of their pies tastes just right. So he charters a plane and
flies to Bavaria. While landing, his plane is struck by lightning
and crashes. He crawls out of the flaming wreckage, and barely
manages to drag himself into the nearest restaurant, and orders a
slice of Bavarian cream pie. The waitress says 'We're out of
Bavarian cream pie', so he says, 'ARRR, IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!'"
See? It works with any joke, especially if you've got super powers.
Just watch out for the Riddler, because he tells Super Riddles that
you can only figure out by having brain damage.
-- K.
Short shameful confession: The first
time I read your account, my brain
thought you said "a small red cape
and a gold panty cat", and that's
just as disturbing as that James Bond
movie where Archimedes Plutonium
gilded Panty Cat. In fact, it _was_
that movie. I shouldn't have stayed
in the Bond Movie Of The Month Club
for ten years.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Some sticky buns have raisins and some have dingleberries.
Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 01:34:04 -0500
When I first brought this news story to your attention I forgot to say
"further details as events warrant," which means now I'm allowed to give
you further details even though events don't warrant them.
In other words, I found a version of the article with more stuff in it.
[www.local6.com]
->
-> Man Caught On Tape Sprinkling Fecal Matter On Pastries
->
-> A cab driver in Dallas, Texas, was allegedly caught on surveillance
-> video sprinkling dried fecal matter on cookies and pastries at a
-> grocery store, according to a Local 6 News.
->
-> Behrouz Nahidmobarekeh, 49, is on trial for allegedly throwing the
-> feces on pastries at a Fiesta grocery store.
Is that the supermarket whose slogan is "Fun, Feces, Fiesta!"?
If so, I'm going to stop buying their canned poppy-seed filling.
-> Police said that during an investigation, they found a pile of
-> human feces by his bed. Investigators believe Nahidmobarekeh would
-> dry the feces, either by microwave or just letting it sit out,
-> grate it up with a cheese grater and then sprinkle it at the store.
He must be crazy! Everyone knows you don't use a cheese grater for
that, you use a feces-grater for that. They sell them at Sharper Image.
They're for when you have to take a poop but the only toilet handy is
inside a Barbie Fun Hut so you have to make your poop really small
'cause the Barbie Fun Hut says right on the box, "WARNING: DO NOT CLOG
BARBIE'S TOILET OR FUN HUT WILL CEASE TO BE FUN."
-> "(We are) unable to identify him; just a young boy, maybe 3 years
-> old, on the surveillance tape you can see him eating one of the
-> cookies and that's the worst part about it, I think."
No, the worst part is that the 3-year-old is going to see
himself eating that cookie on TV tonight at 6.
-> Attorneys in the case were unclear about a motive in the case.
Hey, geniuses, how about applying Occam's Razor and deciding that
his motive was that HE'S EVIL? You know, some people are just
plain evil without any rational motive. Don't try so hard to
figure out the logical explanation why this guy sprinkled feces
on other people's cookies, because if he does have one you'll have
to let him go. Like, it could turn out to be some sort of sting
operation where Jack Bauer's daughter would get tortured to death
if this guy didn't sprinkle doo-doo on the President's snickerdoodle
so he had to do this to prevent a nuclear war and retrieve the
stolen master key that opens all the nation's diary locks and stop
the terrorists who are planning to crash a train into the
International Space Station while Queen Elizabeth is on board
to open the Space Westminster Dog Show so it's full of corgis
and also Jack Bauer has to shoot all the Amnesty International
board members in the face to prevent them from trying to stop
him from saving the world by sprinking doody on desserts. See,
if the guy had a perfectly logical explanation like that he'd
be off the hook.
Or you could just conclude the guy is evil. That's the way things
work in the real world -- not everyone does everything for a reason.
Sometimes bad people shit on your cookies without filing a flight plan.
-> Prosecutors will show a surveillance videotape of the defendant,
-> which shows him sprinkling a substance on the food.
I think a clever laywer could still argue against that evidence.
"Your honor, my client was sprinkling something on the food, but
it was not a substance. He was sprinkling the insubstantial concept
of noetic synergy on the cookies in an effort to make them more
thought-provoking without changing them in any way. Also, he's
like part of the Universe and stuff, and he has to go free because
that flag has tassels on it, it's in the Constitution. I rest
my case and now everyone here owes me a thousand dollars."
-> The FBI arrested Nahidmobarekeh but turned the case over to local
-> prosecutors after they determined it was not a national security
-> issue.
THAT'S NOT WHAT JACK BAUER SAYS!!! JACK'S GONE ROGUE AGAINST
THE ORDERS OF WHATS-HIS-NAME WITH THE HELP OF THE HIDEOUS WOMAN
FROM "MR. SHOW" IN ORDER TO STOP THE TERRORISTS IN EXCHANGE FOR
THE PRESIDENT GIVING HIM A FULL PARDON AND A DISCOUNT ON HIS
AUTO INSURANCE!!! NOW STOP BOTHERING JACK BAUER BECAUSE HE HAS
TO DRIVE TO THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION WITHIN THE NEXT HOUR
BECAUSE THE SHOW TAKES PLACE IN REAL TIME!!! IT'S REAL!!!!!!!
-> Copyright 2005 by Internet Broadcasting Systems and Local6.com.
-> All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast,
-> rewritten or redistributed.
But can I sprinkle poopflecks on it?
-- K.
I heard the Keebler Elves
fart on every cookie.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Some sticky buns have raisins and some have dingleberries.
Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 22:07:52 -0500
Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Hey, geniuses, how about applying Occam's Razor and deciding that
> > his motive was that HE'S EVIL? You know, some people are just
> > plain evil without any rational motive.
>
> Heh. Best treatment of this was the episode of X-files where the
> serial killer was killing psychics after they failed to tell him why
> he was behaving like a homicidal maniac.
>
> The killer confronted the psychic insurance salesman, who told him,
> "You are this way simply because you are a homicidal maniac."
>
> At which point the killer said, "Oh. Thank you. That makes sense."
Therefore it was the wrong explanation, because on "The X-Files" it
should be something like "You are a homicidal maniac because of the
eighth-dimensional astral serpent who controls the CIA by sneaking
into their bedrooms through the keyhole because it can turn into a
cloud of zombie bees -- that makes sense." "The X-Files" would have
stopped real quick if David Duchovny ever said, "Wait, none of this
makes sense," and walked out through one of the keyholes.
I liked the original "Kolchak: The Night Stalker", 'cause, I mean,
Darren McGavin rules. He's like Adam West but with a goofy little
easy-to-smash camera instead of a Bat-Holographic-Laser-Camera.
I'm a little worried about the new version of "Kolchak: The Night
Stalker", 'cause it'll probably be yet another rip-off of "The X-Files",
instead of being a revival of what "The X-Files" was a bad rip-off of.
Also they'll have to give Darren McGavin a cameo in it, and everyone
will be expecting him to curse continously for five minutes while
kicking the crap out of the basement furnace, because that movie is
the only thing anyone remembers seeing him in.
I wish they'd release a DVD of his movie "Mission: Mars". That's the
one where the interior of the rocket ship had lots of little lockers
with signs on them for what was inside, such as, a locker that said
"NOTE PADS". See, that's another reason he's almost Adam West.
At least they've brought out all the original "Kolchak: The Night
Stalker" shows on DVD (the two TV-movies and all the series episodes.)
But I demand there be more Darrin McGavin on TV. And not a replacement
Darrin, because replacement Darrins are lame. But they could replace
Tom Bosley if they re-made that episode where Tom Bosley was in charge
of the records-storage facility in the salt mine that had the killer
lizardman in it. Hey, anyone can replace Tom Bosley, anywhere, any time.
In fact, I'm replacing him right now. This is Tom Bosley signing out.
-- T.
Marion, what am I going to
do with this bathtub full of
potato salad?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Some sticky buns have raisins and some have dingleberries.
Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 21:53:27 -0500
dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote:
>
> pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote:
> >
> > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > Sometimes bad people shit on your cookies without filing a flight plan.
> >
> > That's a good one.
>
> sig it, Pete!
> If you don't I will.
I say you should both do it.
Then I will judge the two .signatures and if I have a favorite, I'll
give a Fudge Sprinkle Snackwell's to the other one.
But I expect that most likely each .signature will be beautiful in its
own way, so I'll just give the cookie to someone who doesn't even have
a .signature.
...SOMEONE... WHOM... YOU... DON'T... KNOW.
(That "Twilight Zone" episode is so quotable precisely because the
twist ending is so stupid. It's the one from 1985 or '86 where the
unpleasant constantly-bickering couple get a box with a button on
it and are told that if they push the button, they will get a bunch
of cash, and SOMEONE will die... SOMEONE WHOM THEY DON'T KNOW.
Then eventually they push the button and receive their money, then
the scary guy tells them he has to take the box back and give it
to SOMEONE ELSE... SOMEONE... WHOM... YOU... DON'T... KNOW.
Except the acting is even hokier than that. Also the speech may
not actually use the word "whom" because this is TV, where
there is even less grammar than what there be here on the Internet.)
What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, dinner. Who wants some?
-- K.
Sometimes bad people
shit on your cookies
just to become immortal
in your .signature.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Some sticky buns have raisins and some have dingleberries.
Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 21:44:59 -0500
pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Sometimes bad people shit on your cookies without filing a flight plan.
>
> That's a good one.
But is it better than my 568,184,209,113 other ones?
They're all good. Except the one someone sprinkled dried shit on.
But it's only one. So keep eating, there's little chance of you
eating someone's poo.
That's the new McDonalds slogan: "Eat a McDonalds! You're more likely
to win our rigged Monopoly game than to eat any of our employees' poo!"
-- K.
Do not attempt to dial
that number, because I
made it up. If you want
to dial a non-made-up
number, try dialing pi.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Lots42's Hint For Dealing With Life
Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 04:07:06 -0500
Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote:
>
> Hint #1: Always set up near the restrooms. Because people gotta pee.
Didn't I see you at the Folsom Street Fair?
-- K.
How do people flush you?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: One day in Grenoble
Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 22:00:08 -0500
Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote:
>
> In retrospect, maybe bringing a severed head to the opera was not such
> a good idea. [...]
Dammit, man, that's not a good idea, that's a great idea!
How could anyone even consider going to a hoity-toity opera without
bringing something to throw at the fat lady? I say, SEVERED HEADS
FOR ALL!
VOTE FOR ME FOR PRESIDENT AND THERE WILL BE A SEVERED HEAD AT EVERY OPERA!
(This is one of those days when I speak entirely in bumper stickers.)
-- K.
Dammit, why won't anyone X-ray
my brain for free so I can have
proof that I'm this way for a
good reason?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Questionable Graphic Design
Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 22:24:13 -0500
Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> Go here now:
>
> http://www.jimfg.com/images/Wwlogo.gif
>
> I saw the above logo on a horse trailer recently. Now maybe it's just me,
> but does it not look like hands flashing some very metal devil horns over
> someone who's bent over and showing their li'l brown starfish?
If you hadn't said that was on a horse trailer, I wouldn't have known
what it was.
Actually, I still don't know what it is, but I can pretend I do because
it's got to be something about two branding irons searing a horse who is
already cursed with a square anus. "We brand your square-anused horse,
in stereo!"
You didn't mention the same folks' other equally awesome logo:
http://www.jimfg.com/Ji2.GIF
Equilateral triangles are such a design cliche', so they worked hard
to make that one be so scalene. 'Cause pyramids that are symmetrical
are _so_ 5,000 years ago.
They manufacture a truck bed called a "Rough Ryder", which makes me
imagine a porno movie where Darren McGavin keeps saying "You'll shoot
your eye out!"
Anyway, if you folks like bad graphic art, I'll have to sneak a
photo of the attempt at a "NO PARKING!" sign inside the lobby of
my building. The fact that nobody ever tried parking inside the
lobby takes a back seat to the bizarre layout of this one.
-- K.
It's actually more of a
NO
NO PARKING
PARKING
sign. I'm guessing the
layout program was
Microsoft Word.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Sequels that are betterer
Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 22:47:26 -0500
"Otto Bahn" (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote:
>
> [...]
>
> Between the gay butch police chief and all those
> shots of Mel Gibson's butt, Rocky Horror ain't got
> nothing on Mad Max. Not to mention the gay bikers.
> Those movies are disturbing on several levels.
> Apparently food and water are not important -- a
> single can of dog food will get you through an
> entire movie.
But "Flash Gordon" didn't have any dog food. Or did I miss something?
I think you need to rent "Hell's Angels '69" 'cause Terry The Tramp is
more charming than all the "Mad Max" bikers put together. Bigger, too.
Also, check out "The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr. T".
> [...] Plus you can survival multiple high speed
> car crashes, and even lay down a bike at high speed.
> Uh-uh. My boss the ex cop once told me about a
> lady who slipped off the back of motorcycle. She
> had a miserable last hour or two.
You want to see ridiculous motorcycle stunts, see the pathetic
"Mission: Impossible 2". There's that scene where Tom Cruise
wants to hide from the bad guys who are shooting at him,
so he gets off his bike and slides along in a crouch beside it
(while it remains upright) without being hurt by any of the
sparks shooting out of his shoes. Do you think John Woo
might be even dumber than, say, Tom Cruise?
The movie also lets you make a different actor's voice come
out of your mouth whenever you put a sticker on your Adam's apple.
I heard that in one of the out-takes Tom Cruise mistakenly used
a Hello Kitty sticker and went around frantically waving his
arms to try to communicate "I HAVE NO MOUTH AND MUST SCREAM!"
> I'll concede that shotguns are wonderful toys. They
> got that part right. So what other sequels are better
> than the original?
"Star Wars: Episode III" and "Episode IV" are better than the
original "Episode I". I'm so glad they left Jar Jar out of the
three newest movies, except for that tiny glimpse of him sneaking
into the restroom to smoke dope in the Mos Eisley cantina.
It's also good that after "Episode III", they chose to make Darth
Vader a lot taller than he was in "Episode III". The new guy
is much more imposing than that old Hayden Christensen guy.
Why did they have to replace Hayden Christensen? Did he die
back in the '70s?
My favorite moment in any of the recent "Star Wars" movies is when
Greedo fires his pistol at that new Han Solo guy, but the beam
stops for a moment in mid-air, giving Han time to remove his
upper torso and put it to one side before the beam resumes moving
and misses him so he can then shoot back because Han is such a
softie that he always lets people shoot at him first, just to be
sporting. Plus then he gets to show off his super-powers to
pick up parts of his body and slide them around.
I'm just happy that in the newest movie, they explain that
Boba Fett will be digested in the Sarlacc pit for a thousand years,
so that means that even if they wait nine hundred years before making
"Episode VII", Boba Fett can still climb out and kick everyone's ass.
-- K.
I can't wait for that new
"Star Wars" TV series. I hear
it's going to have three
Starbucks, two Apollos,
a theme song written
by Rod Stewart, and you can
phone a special 900 number
to vote for which star
wins the war.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Chewy WTF?
Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 22:55:49 -0500
Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote:
>
> I have wackyparsed this package for YEARS and still do it every time.
>
> http://users.bestweb.net/~notr/chewy.html
>
> The text goes sideways up one side and down the other, but the e's on
> both sides face almost the same way, so it's unfortunately easy to read
> the whole thing sideways. It doesn't help any that the guy in the middle
> looks so much like a bacterium.
You are not alone, it can _only_ be read as "Chewy e-Coli". You better
enjoy those while you can 'cause I heard Apple just sued them for stealing
the name of their new bacterium-size music player (it can hold up to
a quarter of a song.)
I assume that, before drawing that logo, whoever makes these ice cream
patties made themselves a big hash brownie. Didn't I see that green
guy on "The Altered State of Drugachusettes"?
I am now making it my mission in life to show Charles Nelson Reilly
that wrapper to hear him say either "Chewy Louie" or "Chewy e-Coli".
If he says the right one, I get to advance to the SuperMatch round!
In any case, it's always funny to hear him say "Chewy".
-- K.
Is there anyone in Vermont
who isn't stoned? The whole
state is like some sort of
extremely square hippie commune.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: smartass salsa
Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 23:01:25 -0500
Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote:
>
> Nice palm. I read a great deal of pleasure in your future.
>
> At my next visit to Taco Bell, months later, it seemed they had
> eliminated all the nonsexual sayings, and started giving out
> correspondingly fewer sauce packets. My first packet had the saying
> quoted above, and the other two continued:
>
> It's okay . . . you can say it. I love you too.
> When I grow up, I want to be a waterbed.
I always get the "When I grow up, I want to be a waterbed" one, and
it always confuses me because I assume it's just saying that Taco Bell
is going to keep making their hot sauce be more like sex in a canoe
(fucking close to water.)
> I suppose by the time I go back there again next year they will have done
> away with the sauce entirely and will just have the people at the counter
> offer sexual favors directly to the customers instead.
I don't want to know what Mike O. is going to spill on the counter.
-- K.
You people are perverts.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Why didn't anyone tell me there were other ugly fruits to see?
Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 05:52:07 -0500
Today at the market I spotted a fruit which was new to me:
The Buddha's Hand.
It's a lemon shaped like Cthulhu's face. Imagine a squid entirely covered
in glossy yellow lemon skin. It's absolutely the creepiest-looking food ever.
I would have bought one, but I was afraid it would eat me.
But I noted its existence because at last I have discovered the most
deformed-looking produce item possible. Seriously, this is a fruit
that would make Yoichiro Kawaguchi cringe.
If you want to make your own at home, buy a pound of yellow Play-Doh,
then give your Play-Doh Fun Factory a bad case of hemorrhoids, and
squeeze the Play-Doh loaf through the hemorrhoids with enough force
to make the machine grunt "UNNNGH!" as the stuff squirts out in
seventeen simultaneous squiggles.
Or just look for the real thing in the Defective Fruit section of your
local supermarket, unless your local supermarket is a Trader Joe's, in
which case get the Play-Doh instead (it tastes a lot like Trader Joe's
butter-flavored chicken nuggets.)
You can see a photo of the Buddha's Hand at
http://www.logees.com/prodinfo.asp?number=C2018-2
That page helpfully explains,
->
-> This cultivar of the Citron is the most exotic and unusual
-> container fruit we grow.
Uh oh. It's not a normal fruit, it's a container fruit. Wonder what
it's filled with? Acetone? Live bees? Evil?
-> Thought to be the oldest known citrus in cultivation, it produces
-> a large fruit with long protruding fingers and a thick rind.
-> Although inedible, the rind is often candied.
"HEY KIDS! I'VE GOT INEDIBLE CANDY!" "Waah, Halloween is ruined!"
"But remember, kids, before eating all the inedible candy I just gave
you, have it X-rayed at the police station to make sure I didn't
hide any razor blades inside where the candied inedible bees are."
By the way, various cooking sites explain that usually the inedible
rind goes all the way through to the other side -- because these
lemon-colored deformities are so long and thin, there's no pulp
inside, just more skin. Scary skin.
So does Buddha really have Cthulhu's face where his hands should be?
'Cause that would be mixing two different fictional characters made
up by Gary Gygax, and he'd punish you for violating two of his copyrights
by making you look at a Buddha's Hand until your brain is squashed
by The Ethereal Play-Doh Fun Factory Of Gary Gygax.
Also, the _original_ Play-Doh Fun Factory looked like a factory, but
they quickly changed it to being shaped like a desk stapler without
changing the name to Play-Doh Fun Tax-Preparation-Related Desk Accessory.
(The stapler-shaped one was originally sold as the "Fun Factory Jr.",
before they discontinued the good one. I guess kids were having too much
fun with it, making their own Buddha's Hands and summoning Gary Gygax.)
-- K.
That explains why they always
gave you the pentagram-shaped
extrusion hole. It's for
summoning the Dark Nerd.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Why didn't anyone tell me there were other ugly fruits to see?
Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 23:30:42 -0500
Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote:
> >
> > Too many gay chefs. You'd have been fine if you hadn't
> > mentioned you *enjoyed* cooking.
>
> Or had I mentioned that I like using a flame thrower, and red-hot
> pieces oof iron.
So apparently the words "creme brulee", sprinkled with accent marks,
don't exist where you work?
I guarantee you, anyone who cooks with weaponized blowtorches is going
to be making creme brulee, which is the gay version of quiche.
Seriously, you could do worse than to be known around the office
as "the gay guy who makes dessert and then licks the blowtorch".
-- K.
Oh, and all those chainsaw
ice sculptors? Gayer than
Oscar Wilde dressed as
Buster Brown dressed as
Oscar Wilde, but butcher
than a sack of bulldogs.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Why didn't anyone tell me there were other ugly fruits to see?
Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 21:17:02 -0500
Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> Gaaah! What *is it* with people?
>
> My wife is handicapped, and I do most of the cooking, cleaning, etc.
> Plus, I enjoy cooking. When I mentioned this to a cow-orker, he said,
> "Mark, you'll make someone a wonderful wife one day."
>
> I had to kill him and fillet him, of course...
It's nice of you to do the cooking so your handicapped wife doesn't
have to -- that way he can relax.
I think the correct zinger for you to have used in that situation would
have been to just give him the glower and say in a very firm voice,
"SO TELL ME, WHEN TWO GUYS GET MARRIED, HOW DO THEY DECIDE WHICH ONE
IS THE WIFE?" and keep staring right into his eyes without blinking.
When someone's trying to make you uncomfortable, just push back
and watch that balloon pop.
After all, he was either expecting you to have a pleasant chuckle
over his innocent little joke, or else to get all upset your masculinity
was questioned and storm off in a huff without trying to sell him
any more comic books. Either reaction would have been good for him,
but as in a couple of other incidents we've been discussing in today's
articles, he was trying to demonstrate a tiny amount of control over
your reactions. If you want him to not call you a woman, you gotta
be a man. And next time let's leave mommy's candy-red pantyhose at home!
-- K.
One of the best things about a.r.k
is that it's one of the few newsgroups
where a large number of people will
get references as obscure as that
movie quote without running away
screaming "Aaaah! I'm the only one
who knows where that's from, so
Kibo must be inside my brain!
Dial 9-1-1, I need emergency
trephination!"
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Why didn't anyone tell me there were other ugly fruits to see?
Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 20:40:36 -0500
Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry" (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I think the correct zinger for you to have used in that situation would
> > have been to just give him the glower and say in a very firm voice,
> > "SO TELL ME, WHEN TWO GUYS GET MARRIED, HOW DO THEY DECIDE WHICH ONE
> > IS THE WIFE?" and keep staring right into his eyes without blinking.
> > When someone's trying to make you uncomfortable, just push back
> > and watch that balloon pop.
>
> Are you playing in Texas Hold 'Em tournaments too?
Pinball, son, pinball. Poker is for guys who drink, guys who smoke,
and the cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation", but I was only on
the original series.
> Also, considering these intimidation mind games, do the
> French have a word for the witty comeback that you finally
> think of as you walk down the stairs and out the building?
That depends on whether French news servers accept "Supersedes:" headers.
Poker is not about intimidation, poker is about concealment.
Anyone who tries to win a poker game solely on the basis of "I can make
people scared of me!" is going to get taken to the cleaners because
it's the environment where such tactics are least likely to work --
everyone else at the table is going to be aware of how such things
work. Much like airline screening procedures -- which would have
the greatest likeliness of catching terrorists and drug smugglers
by _randomly_ selecting who gets screened, so that nobody can
make a prediction and adapt their strategy -- it's very important
to not let the other players know what you want them to do. No matter
how great an actor you are, if you are giving a histrionic performance
of "I've got a good hand but I'm going to act all smug but I'm going
to do it slightly badly so that they'll think I'm bluffing and raise
me when I'm actually only bluffing that I'm bluffing" there's still
a better chance of them being able to counter your strategy than if
you give them no cues. You win by reading other people's cues, not
by sending out signals of your own.
This is analogous to studies of "Prisoner's Dilemma"-style game
matrices, where if the two players play the same matrix over and
over, the best strategy is to choose between the two options
randomly (with a certain probability assigned to each based on
a simple calculation from the constants in the matrix.) If you
assume the other player is at least as intelligent as you are --
always a good assumption to make if you don't like sharks
stripping you naked -- adopting any sort of deterministic strategy
should be noticed by the other player and countered by them
being able to predict what you'll do next. (Of course, you can
adopt a predictable strategy and then once the other player starts
reacting to it, suddenly switch, but that only works once per series.)
Anyway, poker is a game where you have to use your senses and
conceal your motives. The games you can win by glowering at people
tend to be simpler things like "chicken" and "let's see who can
hit the softest", games which don't have any strategy other than
"BIGGEST TOUGHEST JERK WINS! AND IF HE DOESN'T HE'LL POUND YOU
UNTIL YOU SAY HE DID!"
Pinball doesn't have any strategy with respect to the other player
(unless you're such a poor sport that you run up behind them and
drop an ice cube down their back while they're playing), but there
are strategic decisions to be made with respect to where to aim
the ball, and more importantly, how to work around the 35% of moving
parts which are broken.
Actually, I take that back -- a few pinball machines do have actual
multiplayer strategy, such as "Twilight Zone", where there is only
one Powerball, and there are two balls which are alternately delivered
to the launcher, so in a three-player game, if you're player 1 and
you take the Powerball out without putting it away, you know
that player 3 and then player 2 will get stuck with it. But that's
hardly a big deal compared to actually trying to get yourself a
good score.
-- K.
The French have a word for
everything. Unfortunately,
all those words are in French.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Why didn't anyone tell me there were other ugly fruits to see?
Date: Wed, 09 Nov 2005 21:55:03 -0500
Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Poker is not about intimidation, poker is about concealment.
> > Anyone who tries to win a poker game solely on the basis of "I can make
> > people scared of me!" is going to get taken to the cleaners because
> > it's the environment where such tactics are least likely to work --
> > everyone else at the table is going to be aware of how such things
> > work.
>
> Otay, whatever you say. The chip bully with the large
> stack isn't intimidating anyone. There's a large element
> of intimidation in poker. Bluffing counts. So do large
> bets in general.
Duh, of course they do. I'm not saying that "bluffing" and "intimidation"
are always the same. I consider bluffing (in poker) to be something
that is done with chips, and intimidation something that involves emotional
manipulation. I was talking about to the newbie players who do things
like glowering at the center of your forehead steadily in the hopes
that you'll get nervous and blurt out what cards you have, or the ones
whose idea of a bluff involves leaning backwards to look relaxed and
slightly smiling like they're trying to conceal a smile. They don't
realize that any degree of "acting" causes them to have more tells
than ever -- they have to give the same elaborate performance during
fake bluffs and real bluffs, and most people can't lie convincingly,
let alone tell a fake lie. Someone like you can learn after
a couple hands how to tell their fake confidence from their real
confidence. It's far better to just suppress all facial and postural
signaling rather than trying to throw up phony ones as camouflage.
That way the other players only have information about numbers of
chips and odds.
> You're describing slow playing, maybe.
> I'm pretty sure you haven't played much no limit Texas
> Hold 'Em.
I haven't -- I've only played poker.
> It's all about intimidation. The prisoner's dilemma is irrelevant
> if you can read your opponent better than he can read you. Or you
> can just play the odds. Nothing random about it. The good players
> win a lot more often than the average players.
Exactly. The players who try to stare at the others to make them
slip up, or try to display smugness by darting their eyes around and
giggling when they bluff, are going to get taken apart by the people
who are concentrating on playing the game with the cards and the chips
instead of playing "Let's Pretend I'm A Poker Superstar!" Playing
strategy should be what you do with the chips and stuff, not what
you do with your face.
You must have played against some of those marks who think poker is
all about showing everyone else how tough they are, or giving
hammy performances that they think will fool you. Me, I think
about the names of baseball players and try to watch the other
people's faces.
I'm not a very good player (I don't know as much as you do about
betting strategies), but I like to think I at least understand how
not to play like one of those bozos whose idea of poker strategy
is a lot like Perry Mason's idea of courtroom procedures. All I'm
saying is that some really inept players think it's all about acting,
when the competent players know it's about suppressing your own signals
while you play the actual, tangible game. Some people think psych-outs
alone are a winning strategy. Comes from all those TV shows and movies
where they show tough guys smoking tough cigars while playing tough
poker in a testosterone-filled chamber. They never show the smart
guy winning, they always show the most macho guy winning.
Tell you what: Since I'm skilled at pinball and you're skilled at poker,
I challenge you to a game of any of those pinball machines that also has
a poker game in it, like the "Star Trek: The Next Generation" machine.
That'll be fair to both of us! Then if I get the high score, you have
to be my butler. If I get ten times your score, you have to be ten
butlers at the same time. You bring the quarters and I'll bring the
bubble level.
-- K.
If memory serves, it's
RRLLRLRL if you don't want
to cross your arms to get
the secret poker mode when
Holodeck 3 is lit.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Why didn't anyone tell me there were other ugly fruits to see?
Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 23:04:41 -0500
Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > It's nice of you to do the cooking so your handicapped wife doesn't
> > have to -- that way he can relax.
>
> The jerk - he sits there in his underwear, making huge beer burps,
> and ogles at that hussy on the evening news. I swear - poison in the
> stroganoff one of these days!
See, why don't you talk to your mean co-workers that way? It would
be worth having them all think you're deranged in order to teach them
that they're not the only one in the universe who can gently tease someone.
Stroganoff doesn't have enough flavor to hide the poison. Try mulligatawny,
or better yet, that powdered caldereta that tastes like Bactine.
> > When someone's trying to make you uncomfortable, just push back
> > and watch that balloon pop.
>
> I can ignore people who are trying to make me uncomfortable (or push
> back if need be). I just didn't like his assertion that taking care of
> my wife was not "man's work".
Well, duh! It's "person's work"! And women are people and since you're
a person that means YOU JUST MIGHT BE A WOMAN!
If you're not holding a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other
every moment you're in the office, YOU JUST MIGHT BE A WOMAN!
Okay, that's enough of that. Now do something that'll let me
paraphrase Ray Jay Johnson. Can you change your name to
Mark Clark Edwards just for my benefit?
> > After all, he was either expecting you to have a pleasant chuckle
> > over his innocent little joke, or else to get all upset your
> > masculinity
> > was questioned and storm off in a huff
>
> And to stomp my cute little pumps in the process. Nah, he was pretty
> serious that I didn't live up to his version of manhood. Oh well.
What is it with you people and my formatting today?
Do I have to start posting one-word articles just so you guys can
quote them correctly?
Dinks.
Anyway, you have the correct attitude to be satisfied not to live up
to _his_ version of manhood.
I bet he doesn't even own a leather jacket, or if he does, it's a color
named after a Starbucks blended latte.
> > If you want him to not call you a woman, you gotta
> > be a man. And next time let's leave mommy's candy-red pantyhose at
> > home!
>
> Heck, if I hadn't filleted him, calling me a woman isn't the problem.
> He was a jackass *before* being turned into prosciutto. Denigrating
> certain types of work as gender-specific annoys me. But then, I
> suppose he knew that.
Or maybe he thought he was doing you a valuable service by telling
you to get a divorce just because he doesn't like your weeeeeeird
marriage because it's all caring and mushy and stuff. He probably
walks around in a T-shirt which says "WAAAAAH, THERE'S NOT ENOUGH
SCHADENFREUDE IN MY LIFE!" with tear-stains all over it from
him crying about how other people are better than him, especially
the ones who don't have stupid T-shirts.
I can name a few types of work that damn well better be gender-specific,
but they're all in the adult-entertainment industry. Still, there was
that "Lexx" episode that made the point that it was okay for Stan to
work as a fluffer if he really wanted to.
> Do you really think the candy red pantyhose spoiled the effect?
>
Candy-red pantyhose spoils all effects, except possibly synaesthetic ones.
> Calling Dr. Kibo! Calling Dr. Kibo! Lobotomy and/or electroshock
> therapy in Ward 12!
That's the Burt Ward! He tied his domino mask on so tight it went
directly into his brain! We have to separate the mask from his
frontal lobe! Bring me the sandblaster!
-- K.
That's my cameo in
Quentin Tarantino's new
"Kill Burt Ward",
written by Charlie Kaufman
and Adam West.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Why didn't anyone tell me there were other ugly fruits to see?
Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 20:48:17 -0500
Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Anyway, you have the correct attitude to be satisfied not to live up
> > to _his_ version of manhood.
>
> But of course. I don't even bother trying to live up to your idea of
> manhood, ya big, evil, leather-clad varmint.
That's the sweetest thing anyone's said to me all day. Are you trying
to seduce me? 'Cause I warn you I'm gonna play along.
On an unrelated note, if you put Mickey Mouse's ears on Nancy's hair,
and then you put that hair on Pac-Man, who was wearing Smurf pants,
what would the title of that Hanna-Barbera series be? I'm thinking
"Grandpa Grump And The Ghoulie Giant In Outer Space".
-- K.
The best parts were when
you said "evil" and "big".
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: It's creepy, is what it is.
Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 06:53:14 -0500
Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote:
>
> Why must many customers all give me the SAME EXACT EXPRESSSION when
> I suggest a product that they do not care to buy?
Don't worry, if you keep it up you'll sell that copy of... oh, I don't
have the heart, will someone please make up titles of comic books
Lots42 would try to push on people, such as "First Gay Kiss",
"Super Flagdancer", and "Tom Of Finland Of Outer Space", except
even more hilarious? Try to come up with at least forty. THADVANKS!!!
> It's fucking creepy.
If I were at your flea market and you tried to convince me to buy
the wrong used comic, I promise I'd give you a different scary look.
Mine's like "Kubrick eyes" except I could make Jack Nicholson drop
the axe and run away screaming like a little girl and he'd be so
traumatized he'd go back to Scientology. It's sort of like Riki Takeuchi
in any of his movies, except I own more alpenflage than the entire
cast of "Battle Royale II".
This is Riki in his most pleasant mood:
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_11_riki_takeuchi.jpg
If you don't believe me that Riki knows how to project unbridled evil,
just ask the director of that movie, Kinji Fukusaku -- oh, wait, you
can't, because he died while trying to direct Riki. DON'T LOOK INTO
HIS EYES! And whatever you do, DON'T TRY TO PRESSURE HIM INTO BUYING
AN ISSUE OF "DAZZLER"!
To succeed in retail you need to learn not to suggest that customers
buy specific things unless customers ask you to recommend those exact
things. For instance, if all they want to buy is the special license-
plate frame that makes their car stereo louder, don't suggest they buy
the extended warranty, because even people who think rubber license-
plate frames will increase their speaker wattage aren't gullible
enough to want an extended warranty.
I suggest instead offering a sampler, where for one dollar they'd
get one panel from each of 24 different comic books nobody would
want in their entirety. Just string the panels together in any
order that makes it look like Wonder Woman is about to spank
Richie Rich. (He's asking for it, what with that haircut.)
-- K.
Did you know Riki Takeuchi
has his own line of Yakuza-
style formalwear sold at
Riki Takeuchi brand stores
in Japan? Wow, Japanese
actors know how to make so
much money by looking mean.
Does Lawrence Tierney have
his own fashion store?
No, because he's a wimp!
Robert Conrad? Valentine
Dyall? Nope. Only Riki
Takeuchi had the guts to
realize the perfect business
model is "YOU WILL BUY MY
SUITS OR I WILL GLOWER AT YOU."
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: It's creepy, is what it is.
Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 21:01:22 -0500
Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > And whatever you do, DON'T TRY TO PRESSURE HIM INTO BUYING
> > AN ISSUE OF "DAZZLER"!
>
> Comic book geeks like to laugh at a certain issue of Dazzler
...so, you like the other issues?
Do you LUFF dem? With all your SAVAGE LUFF? DEIN ANTWORT BITTE!!!
> where she's in jail. The prison issue uniform shirt she is wearing
> turns into some sort of crazy bikini just in time for the S&M fight
> with the cons. Then as soon as the danger is over, the missing
> fabric reappears.
Yeah, that was the only time anything ridiculous happened in a comic book.
> > To succeed in retail you need to learn not to suggest that customers
> > buy specific things unless customers ask you to recommend those exact
> > things.
>
> They DO ask me to recommend certain things, then turn me down.
See my earlier post today about the little dominance games people play.
Hint: Raise your prices a bunch and people will stop going out of their
way to demonstrate they can jerk you around.
> > I suggest instead offering a sampler, where for one dollar they'd
> > get one panel from each of 24 different comic books nobody would
> > want in their entirety. Just string the panels together in any
> > order that makes it look like Wonder Woman is about to spank
> > Richie Rich. (He's asking for it, what with that haircut.)
>
> I would not be suprised if some customers think that is -exactly- what
> I am selling.
Well, that would still be better than that set you're selling of issues
#1 to #12 and #13 to #999 of "Dazzler" because #13 is stupid and also it's
the only comic book that used a flimsy excuse to show a woman's bre*sts.
That's the issue where one of the other prison inmates says of Dazzler,
"I've got roaches in my cell tougher than she!" which is another mistake
because anyone who knows anything about grammar knows it should be "tougher
than her!" when you're in a bikini prison for disco superhero catfight girls.
Have you considered going to your next flea market in costume as
Screaming Mimi from that one?
-- K.
It's depressing that the
existence of the Internet
actually allowed me to
figure out which issue of
"Dazzler" was the one even
"Dazzler"'s target audience
thought wasn't worth
masturbating over.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: It's creepy, is what it is.
Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 21:09:51 -0500
Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Have you considered going to your next flea market in costume as
> > Screaming Mimi [from "Dazzler" #13]?
>
> Despite your drunken sketching, I do not enjoy dressing in women's
> clothing.
Then you should give it up, but only after you find another style
of clothing you do enjoy -- going to the comic-book flea market naked
would not be an option because there will be nerds there. Nerds want
everyone to wear at least as much clothing as Darth Vader. I mean,
have you ever read the SCA combat regulations?
> > It's depressing that the existence of the Internet
> > actually allowed me to figure out which issue of
> > "Dazzler" was the one even "Dazzler"'s target audience
> > thought wasn't worth masturbating over.
>
> Ew. Getting hot over a Dazzler comic is like getting worked up
> over...well, I got nothing because whatever example I may bring up,
> there's probably already a LiveJournal community dedicated to it.
Well, if guys aren't supposed to be buying it just so they can slobber
over her gravitationally-impossible bazooms, why are they supposed to be
buying it? I mean, you're selling it, and even you don't know. And I
doubt it's possible the entire series of comic books was drawn by accident
when someone spilled a bottle of ink and it happened to make at least
thirteen issues at the same time complete with advertisements. I say
we should put a group of scientists to work on putting "Dazzler" comics
through a series of tests to determine what market they were supposed
to exploit.
Then we can make a fortune publishing our own crappy comic book. Put your
glittery roller-boogie bikini back on and I'll get my sketchpad.
-- K.
You could be Frazzler!
You turn string into
frayed knots!
Or the Razzler! You
can turn from candy into
gum, except in worlds
where gum is already
a kind of candy!
Or Spazzler! That one
needs no explanation.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: It's creepy, is what it is.
Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 07:30:46 -0500
David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
>
> Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote:
> >
> > Why must many customers all give me the SAME EXACT EXPRESSSION when I
> > suggest a product that they do not care to buy?
>
> Have your flea market's caricaturist (it ... does have one, right?)
> draw a caricature of that expression. Frame it. Then pull it up from
> behind the counter each time one of them does that.
I'm sorry, but Mr. Yuk is a registered trademark of some children's
hospital, so Lots42 would be stealing intellectual property from a
whole building full of children who all drank bleach, and that would
be even more wrong than trying to sell them comic books. Drinking
bleach is worse than having your brain rotted by guys wrestling in
badly-printed spandex!
> Dave "for extra credit, have handy another caricature of the expression
> they will all pull upon seeing the first expression..." DeLaney
Wouldn't it be cheaper to hold up a mirror?
-- K.
Or do comic-book-convention
customers not reflect?
Best-case scenario would be
if they saw the mirror and
freaked out because Captain
Banana might be peeping on
them from behind it.
(Does _anyone_ here get that
reference? If so, tell me
where I can get an exact
replica of Tadanobu Asano's
"MR. DOG" sweater in case I
ever need to disguise myself
as a nerd.)
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: It's creepy, is what it is.
Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 20:41:32 -0500
Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote:
>
> David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
> >
> > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > Why must many customers all give me the SAME EXACT EXPRESSSION when I
> > > suggest a product that they do not care to buy?
> >
> > Have your flea market's caricaturist (it ... does have one, right?)
>
> Yes. He's not very good.
As opposed to all other caricaturists, who are better than Michaelangelo.
Hint: People who can't draw portraits become caricaturists.
I mean, even the "best" caricaturists -- people like Hirschfeld --
make stuff that, when you look at it, evokes the response, "Well,
I bet that was cheap filler in whatever magazine it was printed.
Looking at that caricature sure killed a couple of seconds."
> > draw a caricature of that expression. Frame it. Then pull it up
> > from behind the counter each time one of them does that.
>
> "What's that? How much is it?" "Um, two cents." "THAT'S TOO MUCH OMG!"
Well, you might as well put up a caricature, so you can take down
the sign that says "HEY LOSERS I AM TALKING ABOUT ALL OF YOU ON
THE INTERNET!" You do know that all your customers at the Used Comic
Book Festival read the Internet, right?
> > Dave "for extra credit, have handy another caricature of the expression
> > they will all pull upon seeing the first expression..." DeLaney
>
> Your train of thought is scary.
I just paid a caricaturist a million dollars to do the world's greatest
caricature of his train of thought running over all your mint-condition
comic books and then taking them out of the protective plastic bags,
turning the bags inside out, then putting the comic books into the
inside-out bags so that everything else in the world will last forever
and the comic books will turn to dust extra-fast and all that will
be left will be the caricature.
-- K.
If I were John Merrick, I would
go to flea markets and buy lots
of caricatures just to watch
the caricaturists squirm.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: It's creepy, is what it is.
Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 20:59:31 -0500
Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Well, you might as well put up a caricature, so you can take down
> > the sign that says "HEY LOSERS I AM TALKING ABOUT ALL OF YOU ON
> > THE INTERNET!" You do know that all your customers at the Used Comic
> > Book Festival read the Internet, right?
>
> They read Google news and use Yahoo email to talk to their friends
> about that one hitchiker who had a hook hand and chest hair but looked
> like a lady, then the cop said there was a body in the back seat with
> two hook hands and no penis.
But then how did he ring the doorbell, and how did he push the "followup" key,
and where was the steering wheel attached?
Okay, it's time for Kibo's Komedy Khallenge! Write the punchline to
each of these straight lines. I'll do the first one to get you started.
1. A pirate with no penis walks into a bar...
...and breaks his nose.
2. A pirate has doorbells where his hands should be, and he walks up
to a house and sees it has a hook where its doorbell should be.
Beneath it is a tiny sign which says, "Department Of...
3. A pirate who's made of string walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"We don't serve string here," so the string says "No, I'm a pirate,"
then the bartender serves him. The on the way home, he steps in
a mud puddle. Jesus lifts the string pirate out of the puzzle and
hands him a hammer and two nails, then says "Shazbot! The nimnuls
de-rezzed my BLANK!"
-- K.
I wish I had hook hands.
Then I could carry
heavy grocery bags
without hurting my fingers.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: It's creepy, is what it is.
Date: Wed, 09 Nov 2005 01:57:01 -0500
Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > -- K.
>
> [sig removed so I don't screw up the formatting]
It's not a .signature. It's an afterthought. That's what makes it
important, because it comes after thoughts it must therefore be
something that compares to thoughts the way "Star Wars: Episode II"
compared to the idiotic one with wall-to-wall Jar Jar. I don't
have a .signature, and never have, and anyone who tells you I used
to have one the size of Montana turned sideways has a longer memory
than TV is supposed to restrict people to. .Signatures are for
people who use smiley faces, and of course it's illegal to own a
WebTV without having a giant .signature containing at least eight
and tags.
I appreciate your care with my formatting. You have done well
to quote me without quoting me to forestall any possibility of a
tragic mangling. If you want, next time you can even use the
Kontext-Away. (Just remember not to touch it for more than two
seconds or it bonds to skin. Better bring your own gloves, mine
might be too heavy for you.)
> RE: Steel hooks for hands, what about
> "TWIN DORRANCE #5X STAINLESS STEEL HOOKS"?
>
> (A phrase that gives some people nightmares.)
Oh. I just looked them up and was disappointed to find out it was just
an everyday amputee-fetish thing, the standard clampy-hook claw that
the Daleks wear whenever they don't need to plunge their space toilets:
[biosystems.okstate.edu]
->
-> Traditionally, the most frequently prescribed terminal device
-> for farmers has been the "Standard" or "Dorrance Hook". Many refer
-> to it as the "farmers hook" due to its frequency of use in the
-> agricultural community.
(Gee, I wonder why people who own threshing machines are frequent customers.)
I was hoping you were talking about the debarbed stainless hooks
used for Oh-Kee-Pa and assorted other Three-Stooges-like rituals
of spiritual transcendence involving the words "gouging", "ripping",
and "yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa".
I imagine if you have a metal claw-hook for a hand you must face some
obnoxious discrimination, even if you know to never wear any ruffled
pirate shirts. Of course, it's nothing compared to the discrimination
you'd get if you had a hook where your steering wheel should be.
-- K.
You know what's weird? It smells like Raid
in here right now and I can't figure out why.
This is not a .signature, unless I put it
into a file so I can use it twice.
-- K.
You know what's weird? It smells like Raid
in here right now and I can't figure out why.
This is not a .signature, unless I put it
into a file so I can use it twice.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Some fun with the gun
Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 07:05:59 -0500
Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote:
> >
> > Having been rated at the 99th percentile on the California Test for
> > Mental Maturity,
cue Barbara Bain: "MARK EDWARDS, YOU'RE NINETY-NINE YEARS OLD!"
Then he crumbles to dust because she used her fingernails to scratch
the protective plastic coating on his face that made him immortal
because, duh, Saran Wrap can stop time!
> > the 98th percentile on the Cattell, the 99.7th percentile on the
> > US Air Force's ASVAB test, and the 99th percentile on the SAT,
> > I know something of the subject.
I'm sorry, but I secretly administered the MMPI to you during a
TV commercial. And it says you need very expensive therapy to
become as normal as me.
dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote:
>
> Oh big freaking deal. Get back to me when you have something to bring
> to the genius table. I was the first kid in my class, school, State,
> EVER! to figure out that burnt sienna crayolas taste NOTHING like licorice
> whips. And I was TWELVE YEARS OLD!
Also, the crayons break before you get to forty lashes.
-- K.
Why is it always forty? Because that's
the standard number set by the Naval Code
Of Uniformly Violent Homoerotic Justice.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Some fun with the gun
Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 23:16:27 -0500
Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote:
>
> I took the New York Regents Exam in Hanover New Hampster.
I took it to the Moon where I did it with a special pen. Not one of
those lame ones which advertises that it _can_ write in outer space,
but an even more expensive one that _only_ writes in outer space.
The pen explodes if exposed to air, water, or sand. I scored 2101,
which when combined with my SAT score of 11,070 entitled me to a
full scholarship to the Presidency. And that's how I became President.
> I was a semi-finalist for the scholarship. My brother, who took the
> exam in New Hampster a few years earlier, was a finalist and did
> receive the scholarship.
That's too bad, because if your big brother gets one, it makes you a
legacy, and then you're automatically eligible to join the same frat
assuming you don't mind having your ass paddled by a blood relative.
I never joined a frat. I was one of the instigators of a.r.k, but
"started" and "joined" aren't the same, and also, a.r.k is better
than a frat because instead of drunken toga parties we just take
turns making up new SAT scores for ourselves. By the way, the first
person who knows the significance of the number "11,070" (other than
me) will receive a bonus point or two.
> I really enjoyed taking those multiple guess tests.
How do you feel about binary choice tests, like the psychiatrists' favorite,
the MMPI? ("agree/disagree: I have counted the light bulbs in all the signs
in the world." "agree/disagree: I think I would like the job of a Hitler.")
-- K.
They should renormalize the SAT
scoring system to go from zero
to infinity.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Rose.
Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 21:56:05 -0500
John Winston (johnfw@mlode.com) wrote:
>
> [...]
>
> Look at all the re-igious w-rs that have mu-dered
> millions in the name of Ch-ist or G-d. Look at the
> fanatic lunatics who destroyed the World Trade Centers
> and are backed by thousands who believe that the Un-ted
> States is the "Great Sa-an." If possible, they would
> mur-er all citizens of the Uni-ed States.
I d-n't th-nk th-se n-w "W-eel of Fort-ne" p-zzles a-e ha-d enou-h.
C-n't we g-t s-me conspira-y the-ries in t-e f-rmat of sud-ku p-zzles?
+---+---+---+
|KGB|IBM|FOX|
|UFO|NHL| ? |
|CIA|JFK| ? |
+---+---+---+
Damn, I can't fit NBC or KFC in there -- why do all the conspiracy
acronyms have to have an "F" or a "K"? And why is it every time
I say "F", you see "K"?
-- K. <-- see?
And now, the world's hardest
Slither Link puzzle:
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
2 0 1
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
0 2 1 2
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
0 2 3 1
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
0
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
1 0 1 2 1
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
3
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
2 0 9
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Rose.
Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 20:15:22 -0500
Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > And why is it every time I say "F", you see "K"?
>
> You do know from whom you steal?
Duh, that famous blooper never actually happened, therefore it's not
possible to steal it. Also, I believe you established a precedent
that it was okay for me to reference him when you missed commenting
on my various references to the "Play Putty by Chloroform" incident
or the "put all the little pieces of green paper in an envelope" incident.
Unless you're in the minority who believe the "'F' you see 'K'" legend
is supposed to be told about Kukla, Fran, and/or Ollie, whoever they
are, rather the correct version of the made-up legend about Soupy Sales,
who was almost Pinky Lee, who was almost Pee-wee Herman, who was almost
Alan Cumming, who is almost... well, I'm not sure what he's almost.
I think he's from some weird alien planet where everyone is almost.
Of course, if he performed as "Almost Cumming", he'd probably get
the "'F' you see 'K'" legend told about him, but that wouldn't
work because he's Scottish, and in Scotland, "F" is pronounced "zed"
and "K" is pronounced "haggis".
-- K.
And nobody likes haggis.
Not even me!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: all my scammy flammy mammy!
Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 23:12:18 -0500
Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote:
> >
> > Old Navy's selling girls' pants called "boy-cut denim"? What does
> > that even MEAN?
>
> Probably that the hips and crotch have not been tailored to match a
> girl's anatomy.
"Boy-cut shorts" for girls are shaped like men's square-cut swim trunks,
as opposed to being shaped like the Levi's logo like the ones girls
and Superman wear. Basically, "boy-cut" is the opposite of "Daisy Dukes".
> Also, it means your girlfriend won't have to steal your jeans. It
> doesn't mean she won't, just that she doesn't have to.
I'm sure she'll find a reason to steal all his clothes and burn them
when they get to that hotel room on the 27th floor above the shopping mall.
Women are good at finding excuses to cause public nudity. They seem to
enjoy humiliating people. Thankfully we men are above that. We don't
need to find an excuse or enjoy it, it's just part of our lifestyle.
If you string all of today's articles together you'll get a book that'll
grow hair on your chest.
-- K.
Fortunately all my clothes are fireproof.
The best leather comes from veal calves
that have been force-fed asbestos.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: tj's 2nd peddler attempt on hanson
Followup-To: sci.physics
Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 01:01:25 -0500
In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote:
>
> I use a sheet of gold 1 inch thick for a rollingg ttrayy
Uh huh. And you can lift it over your head with one hand. And inside
your head, there's a diamond that weighs 58,000,000 pounds.
> .
> I hit oil again last year.
> tao
> I bought casels last year , none in france .
> norway king leuwie 1670.
> italy 1500s
> morocco 1200 s and 1800s tilltop casse.
> one for 2 mil other for 10 mil last 2 for 40 mil.
> Im recolecting thier furnishings .
> morocco cassel top of the hill I sleep good in.
> a nice pad to land my blackbird/halk on.
Could you please circle the part of that paragraph-like blob where
the stuff is? I got confused after the first sentence began and ended
with the same dot, even though my SAT score was higher than the four
you mentioned.
-- K.
I got a 2100, but that was
only my imagination score.
What score did you make up?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Why I'm glad I don't live in Burma, where the crazy people are
Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 07:51:09 -0500
[www.timesonline.co.uk]
->
-> Soothsayer orders new capital
->
-> By Nick Meo
->
-> Burmese bureaucrats en route to a new capital city that has been
-> hacked out of the jungle were told to leave Rangoon on the orders
-> of the personal astrologer to the country's dictator, Senior General
-> Than Shwe.
->
-> Although government employees had expected a move from the old
-> capital for nearly two years, most learnt of the order to go only
-> at 6.30am on Sunday. They were told to leave their families behind,
-> pack their belongings and join convoys moving about 200 miles north
-> to Pyinmana, the city that only a year ago was little more than a
-> collection of straw huts and rice paddies.
->
-> The timing was believed to have been chosen as auspicious by
-> astrologers. Moving the seat of government to an easily defensible
-> valley surrounded by jungle is the latest sign of paranoia
-> exhibited by a pariah military regime that fears both invasion by
-> the United States, which has branded it an outpost of tyranny, and
-> an uprising by its own downtrodden populace.
But on the other hand they'll be cheered up by the epic-length,
200-mile-long Burma Shave poem by the side of the road to the
new capital. It took a team of five hundred people to write
the entire poem titled "Our Dictator Is A Twit", then five hundred
more people to execute them, then five hundred more people to
change the title to "We Love Our Dictator Who Is Not A Twit And
Is Not A Dictator But A Benevolent Huggy Luv Machine And Who
Wrote This Poem All By Himself With No Help From Anyone Who
Never Existed Because They Were Secretly Executed."
-> A senior soothsayer may also have advised building a new centre of
-> power, as Burma's kings frequently did in the past.
Also they sneak into bed with guys and offer them imitations of
the Egg McMuffin while using words like "meatnormous", and --
wait, those are the kings of Burga, a different country which
smells like burning grease. Never mind.
-> [...]
->
-> The world's newest capital city has been built, probably in part at
-> least, by forced labour.
That's awful. They shouldn't have used forced labor, they should have
just used happy slaves like we did.
And then there's Australia, where every city was built by murderers
and their murderous descendants.
-> [...]
->
-> Burmese politics is rarely clear, but the regime has shown even
-> more secrecy than usual since one military faction was pushed aside
-> in a power struggle last year. Coup rumours and fears of invasion
-> have haunted the regime, which trained villagers in using sharpened
-> bamboo sticks during the US invasion of Iraq.
Oh no! Sharpened sticks! Now they'll be able to invade and conquer
any country which only has dull sticks!
Every day I am thankful that I chose to be born in a country that's
not as insane as the really crazy ones like Burma, Nigeria, North
Korea, and Texas.
-> Than Shwe is not the first leader of Burma to take advice from a
-> personal astrologer. General Ne Win, the former dictator, fell from
-> power after he changed the currency so that all notes were issued
-> in denominations of nine, his lucky number. Half the money in
-> circulation became worthless overnight, sparking street protests.
Wait... so the other half of the money was already in nines?
Hmm, I don't think I have any nine-dollar bills. Those would be
three times queerer than three-dollar bills, and also square.
They'd have pictures of Allen Ludden wearing a tutu.
-> The biggest protest in Burma's recent history, which was crushed
-> bloodily by General Ne Win's military successors, was called on
-> August 8, 1988, at 8.08am, by organisers who thought the time and
-> date auspicious.
...but it turned out to be just a perfectly ordinary day, just like
January 1, 2000.
I'm still worried about about January 1, 2345, when all computers will
print out "JANUARY 1, 23456789 AND SO ON AND SO ON AND SO ON" for a
thousand years and then explode. Fortunately I have a plan to ensure
that our country will continue operating smoothly because I'm going
to secretly move Washington, D.C. to a foil-lined cave deep underneath
the Telephone Museum in Edmonton, Alberta.
-- K.
Forget separation of church and state,
ever since Ronald Reagan I've thought
we needed a Constitutional clause about
the separation of astrology and state.
Astrology is too stupid even to play
a role in government.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Plorkwort?
Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 22:57:49 -0500
plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote:
>
> dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote:
> >
> > Anyone hear if Plorkie is okay and safe from rampaging tornados?
> > Any other kibologists in that area?
>
> Aww, thanks for checking! The major damage was southwest of here; we just
> got a ton of rain, sirens at 3am and 4am and an overenthusiastic neighbor
> who'd never lived in tornado country banging on all the doors in the hall.
> I still haven't figured out if my Mac SE monitors were glowing because I
> had had the lights on or because of some electrical storm weirdness.
They're Apple products, so they're probably just naturally radioactive,
even if they're ones supposed to look like fluorescent orange Sucrets.
Most CRTs glow dimly for a while after they've been in use, but I don't
know whether you can also get phosphorescence from having the room lights
shining on them. I doubt there could have been enough electric charge
in the air from the storm to make them glow without you noticing
some other effects (I'm assuming the computers didn't get toasted
or you would have said something.) On the other hand, if you heard
a swarm of imaginary bees all around you, then it was probably
the storm's electric field, unless you live where imaginary bees
actually exist.
So have you been getting jerks telling you "It's your own fault if you
get killed by the storms since you chose to live in Tornado Alley,
you should move to any other area of the country"? If so, I assume
you've prepared the standard reply about how the Northeast has killer
blizzards and the Southeast has hurricanes and the Southwest has
heat waves and earthquakes and the rest of the country has droughts
and dust storms except for the Pacific Northwest where the weather's
slightly icky all the time plus there's volcanoes. I think you
should write a science fiction novel with the premise that everyone
in the U.S. came to their senses and all moved to Hawaii, where
they're stacked like smelly cordwood.
-- K.
I heard Ben Franklin
did an experiment where
he tied one end of a
wet string to an old
Mac SE and tied the other
end around his BLANK.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Plorkwort?
Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 23:50:53 -0500
plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > [...] slightly icky all the time plus there's volcanoes. I think you
> > should write a science fiction novel with the premise that everyone
> > in the U.S. came to their senses and all moved to Hawaii, where
> > they're stacked like smelly cordwood.
>
> John Brunner does this better than me.
Yeah, but he's busy writing the same blurb over and over on the back
cover of every Phil Dick novel so you gotta do it. For the good of
humanity, at least the small part of humanity that reads books.
I heard that in the future you'll be able to read books while driving
because they'll be printed on contact lenses.
-- K.
Also babies will be
born wearing contact
lenses.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Ping: Leo S.
Date: Tue, 08 Nov 2005 23:06:47 -0500
Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote:
>
> I remember when email was reliable.
Yeah, but that all ended when they allowed more than two people to use
the Internet at a time. Back when it was just you and me, the Internet
was perfect.
Well, half perfect.
Were you disappointed when they came out with those new 9600 baud modems
that made the text come out faster than you could read it so you had to
start piping things through "more"? I found it annoying. They should
go back to 2400 baud. These days the Internet is too baudy.
I remember when the idea that people were using the Internet naked was
considered a big deal. Now, you're surprised if you find out the person
you're cyberchatting with is even wearing a sock (especially if it's
on his foot.)
Also, on-line games are too hard now. They should go back to being
easy to win, like "bcd" and "ppt".
-- K.
YAY I WON A GAME OF "DD CONV=SWAB"!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: True A-frame relationship
Date: Wed, 09 Nov 2005 22:29:19 -0500
[on an "A-frame relationship"]
Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> So you are suggesting that two people be tied together at the head,
> probably using their ears as anchoring devices, that we use something
> like a long, point (on both ends for better penetration) to connect
> them at the heart, and that we call down some other-worldly demon
> (I vote Cthulhu) to keep them in line?
>
> SBUSCIRBE!!
Let's do it. You get the two pairs of ski boots, I'll nail 'em to
the floor, and we'll advertise for volunteers in the Weekly Dig.
But it shouldn't be Cthulhu, he's such a cliche'. It should be
some other supernatural pervert... have you seen any of the new
episodes of "Doctor Who"?
-- K.
You always vote Cthulhu.
Can't we have one election
where you vote for another
Gary Gygax character?
Like a troglodyte, hobbit,
or Tom Menino?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Another new robot nobody will buy.
Date: Thu, 10 Nov 2005 08:16:21 -0500
[english.donga.com]
->
-> Robot Can Speak, Pour Drinks
->
-> NOVEMBER 10, 2005 03:34
->
-> by Chang-Won Kim (changkim@donga.com)
->
-> An Einstein-faced robot speaks fluently, and a bartender robot
-> makes a cocktail at a cafe.
...neither of which the real Einstein could do!
On the other hand, he was a genius, so his lack of bartending
skills is somewhat forgivable.
-> These "dream robots" will appear at the Asia and Pacific Economic
-> Cooperation (APEC) summit. The Ministry of Commerce, Industry and
-> Energy (MOCIE), the Korea Advanced Institute of Science and
-> Technology (KAIST), and the Korea Institute of Science and
-> Technology (KIST) will introduce these robots at the opening
-> ceremony of the APEC's Information and Technology (IT) exhibition
-> to be held at the Busan Exhibition and Convention Center (BEXCO)
-> on November 15.
Enought With Acronyms Already (EWAA), Especially When You Don't
Use Them After Defining Them (EWYDUTADT). Also, "BEXCO" Is (ABI)
Not A Real Acronym (NOUGAT).
-> The robot expected to draw the greatest public attention is the
-> "Hubo FX-1," which a person directly can operate while onboard.
-> This robot can hold up to 90 kilograms and move forward and
-> backward and change direction as a controller operates it by
-> using a joystick.
Wow. Just think, someday they'll figure out a way to make a home
computer which comes with one of these space-age "joysticks" instead
of a mouse!
-> "Albert Hubo," which has an Einstein face, features various facial
-> expressions and emotions while walking like a human, and is another
-> robot worthy of notice. "T-Rot," which acts as a bartender and
-> makes drinks at the request of a customer, and "Kibo," which
-> lip-syncs and dances to the music, will also make their appearances.
I AM NOT A ROBOT!
Sheesh, I do one impression of the Village People covering "Domo Arigato
Mister Roboto" and I'm typecast for life.
-- K.
one zero zero one zero zero one ess oh ess
(my entire knowledge of popular music comes
from watching "Night Flight" in the 1980s)
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Hair color update, #20051110a.
Date: Thu, 10 Nov 2005 08:21:05 -0500
Goldenrod.
-- K.
This article's a lot longer it
you let Shirley Bassey sing it.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Sickening chili pepper news. Warning: very dark.
Date: Thu, 10 Nov 2005 09:11:06 -0500
[www.msnbc.msn.com]
->
-> 'Chili-Pepper' Trial Starts
-> KXAS-TV
->
-> Dallas -- The trial of a woman accused of suffocating her
-> 5-month-old daughter with chili powder -- used as a preventive for
-> thumb sucking -- started Monday. Angela DiSabella faces capital
-> murder charges in the 2004 death of her daughter, Kira DiSabella.
But there are two sides to every story -- for instance, the creepy
woman's dead baby no longer sucks her thumb.
-> Defense attorneys said the incident, during which DiSabella is
-> accused of coating her daughter's thumb in a chili-pepper
-> concoction, turned into an accident.
(Cue Danny Kaye:) "The incident became an accident when the
child abuser was a loser who took the pepper from the flagon
with the dragon..."
-> Prosecutors disagreed.
I agree with their disagreement. Not buying "accident" for a second.
"Oops! I accidentally dipped my baby in chili pepper to hurt her!
It's the perfect crime because I said 'Oops!' when I murdered her!"
(later, in court:)
"Your honor, I plead not guilty, because I wasn't trying to kill
anyone, I was just trying to torture a five-month-old baby!
So can I go home in time for 'Trading Spouses'?"
-> Assistant District Attorney Patricia Hoque read a police statement
-> in which DiSabella, now 21, described the incident to officers.
->
-> "'I tried to make a chili-powder mixture with water to try to keep
-> it on her thumbs,'" Hoque quoted DiSabella as saying. "'That did
-> not work. So, I decided if that did not work to pour a little more
-> on them. Kira started sucking her thumbs, maybe about seven times
-> before she started coughing and gagging. When she would put her
-> thumb in her mouth, she would look at me really weird.
It's the look which means "I may be only five months old, but I'm
already learning that people are scum!"
-> Then, she would not put her thumb back in her mouth, so I thought
-> it must be working.'"
Wouldn't it have been cheaper to buy a plastic pacifier instead of
the Abusive Family Size Bag of chili powder?
-> Emergency personnel who responded to the initial call also
-> described in court what they saw when they arrived at DiSabella's
-> Irving apartment. Police said they saw chili powder "all over
-> the kitchen."
Well, she had to keep the infant from sucking the refrigerator!
-> Responding Irving Officer Kevin Crenshaw testified that DiSabella
-> told him she took the child to the kitchen sink after she started
-> chocking. He also testified that she told him she covered the
-> girl's hands in the chili-powder mix.
I'm glad the moronic woman who breaded baby's tender hands didn't
also own a FryBaby. She didn't deep-fry the hands, although I'm
sure the baby was plenty battered.
And I'm really glad the people who manufacture the cruel no-bark
dog collars haven't invented no-suck ones.
-> "When she talked about dipping the baby's hands in the powder, she
-> didn't really demonstrate that," he said in court. "But when we
-> started talking about the water, she told me that she, she showed
-> me like she was holding the baby's head under water to wash it out,
Okay, okay, I'm pulling the emergency brake on this train right here.
Were this my court, I'd declare that the two life sentences for the
two ways she murdered her baby would run sequentially. But I'm not
in charge, so some wussy judge will probably just let her serve them
concurrently.
"See? I'm a good mom! I tried to help my baby by holding her
head underwater all day!"
-> [...]
->
-> DiSabella said she found the thumb-sucking preventive during an
-> Internet search.
You can also find Homestar Runner cartoons during an Internet search,
but that doesn't mean you should run around dressed like Strong Bad.
Hey, I should run around dressed like Strong Bad.
Anyway, there oughta be a law making it impossible for anyone
stupid to use the Internet. I hereby introduce a bill named
after this baby girl, and if "Kira's Law" doesn't pass, I'll
introduce another named after her mom's WebTV.
-> Prosecutors said they would not pursue the death penalty.
But I'm predicting the bailiff will yell, "She's making a move!" so he can
sit on her chest and pepper-spray her eyes until the whole can's used up.
And it better be a big can. She was bigger than the baby, so the can
should be bigger than her.
-- K.
What's grosser than a huge
pile of chili pepper?
The dead baby on the bottom!
Okay, that one may have gone
too far. BAD AFTERTHOUGHT!
SHAME ON YOU FOR GOING TOO
FAR WITHOUT ASKING ME!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: The Fitz 2005 awards - photos in progress
Date: Thu, 10 Nov 2005 21:09:00 -0500
"Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote:
>
> Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote:
> >
> > [...]
> >
> > You are special. It works for me.
>
> Yeh, I know. That creepy dude Rogers with the sweater already told me.
The first time I read that, my brain saw "That sweaty dude Rogers..."
'cause apparently parts of words can teleport from one side of the
screen to the other.
Now I'm imagining a sweaty Mr. Rogers with a creeper. BAD IMAGINE!
BAD IMAGINE! "Sometimes grown-ups make up funny names for things.
This one's called a 'carpet creeper'." BAD IMAGINE! GET OUTTA MY BRAIN!
I loved Mr. Rogers, and now you've soiled his memory by encouraging
him to fart.
-- K.
Also, what was the deal with
the period where he was
"Misterogers"? Was he simply
trying to undo all the spelling
lessons of "The Electric Company"?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: The Fitz 2005 awards - photos in progress
Date: Thu, 10 Nov 2005 22:14:47 -0500
Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote:
>
> [...]
>
> Also on Wednesday night I was trying to leave quietly during the last movie
> and my pants fell down, causing me to knock over a chair making the most
> noise possible. (One of the burlesque ladies said she saw me do it when I
> talked to her the next night.) Luckily the lights were off and no one was
> taking photos that night.
I am now "imagining" you recounting that "incident" while you make
"air quotes" with your "pinkies":
Also on Wednesday night I was trying to "leave" quietly during the
last "movie" and my pants "fell" down, causing me to knock over a
"chair" making the most noise possible. (One of the burlesque "ladies"
said "she" saw me do it when I "talked to her" the next night.)
Luckily the lights were off and no one was "taking photos" that night.
That's better, but it still won't get you that job.
Lesson learned: Always wear wacky clown underwear (the kind with the
big polka-dots) so that if your pants ever fall down again, you can
pretend it was part of your clever improv act. If you don't have clown
undies, then for the love of Pete, at least _wear_ underwear. Pete hates
your genitals.
-- K.
Hey, didn't I see you on Fox's "When Pants Fall Down 16"?
Oddly, we've all seen lots of video of various Presidents
tripping, falling off things, throwing up and passing
out, but we've never seen the President's pants fall down.
And you know Clinton must have done it during every
news conference.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: I don't know about art...
Date: Thu, 10 Nov 2005 21:17:55 -0500
Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote:
>
> On the bus some bloke got on with an artwork that consisted of a teddy bear
> with a spiked colar hanging upside-down on a white canvas with the words
> "JEDI MIND MAGIC" written on it in red crayon.
And that's why you didn't get the job at Eagle Leather. That guy just
wanted it more.
Also because you can't tell crayon from lipstick.
> I still have my "fast food collage" at my parent's house that I could
> carry around on public transport if the need arose (it's a cheap way
> to get exhibition space at least.)
I like the idea that public art should consist of people just carrying
paintings around and showing them to people on public transit.
Hey, if they can hang glowing neon icicles in Alewife station,
we should be allowed to carry our own glowing neon icicles around.
Plus then I could counter Jedi mind tricks with my Sithcicle.
FEAR ME, I AM DARTH PUBLICART!
Hey, anything's better than those guys in bodypaint who stand around
pretending to be statues because they're too lazy to actually perform.
-- K.
I often wonder why nobody has
ever tried doing a Julia Child
act in the subway, of just
setting up a propane stove
and cooking veal Oscar,
talking about how delicious
it is while people who have
no utensils have to jump
onto the train for the long,
slow, hungry ride home.
There's actually no rule
against eating on the (T),
so another great thing to do
would be to bring a card
table and have a Thanksgiving
dinner on a Red Line train.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Red Correcting Pen of SCIENCE!
Date: Thu, 10 Nov 2005 21:41:08 -0500
Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote:
>
> dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote:
> >
> > [...]
> >
> > There is no such thing as "the evil scissors".
>
> You've never tried to use my mom's electric scissors.
Hey, look, everyone's favorite Disney character has something to say:
./\. __________________________________________________________
.\/\/. / \
///\\\ --== YES YES YES YES YES YES DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!!! )
\\\/// \__________________________________________________________/
./\/\.
.\/.
I expect a full report, including an action scene where you accidentally
cut your house in half -- otherwise I'll throw my Frisbee at you.
Damn the Internet's narrow aspect ratio which squishes computer-
generated characters. That makes the computer graphics look so fake
when they're superimposed on sets made from gray cardboard with actors
running through them wearing unitards and hockey helmets!
Now I'm going to have that music running through my head for the next week.
-- K.
Uh oh, Desi Arnaz Jr.
is going to post a
cheap knock-off of
this article.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: "YMCA" now appeals to two groups: semaphore operators and Tweeties
Date: Sat, 12 Nov 2005 08:41:23 -0500
Something I just saw linked from Fark.com. It seemed so unimportant
that I needed to comment on it. I just hope someone else here already
beat me to it because this news story deserves even more discussion
than it's gonna get from me.
[www.dailynews.com]
->
-> Pets shake their tails to Internet station
-> Not just Snoop Dogg here
Do you ever wish that newspapers would indulge their need for
lame puns in the articles about global politics, instead of
the articles about pets? I think that would be better
(in the sense of "lame" being "better") because, hey, "Bush".
-> By Brent Hopkins, Staff Writer
->
-> EAGLE ROCK -- Cats groove to disco, dogs dig Elvis, but to really
-> reach your pet's soul, it'll take Dionne Warwick.
Naah, it works better if you just buy one of those records that's
so high no human can hear it. (I wish they'd get some of those
for the local nightclubs.)
-> That's what Eagle Rock resident Adrian Martinez learned in the past
-> few months watching his bizarre hobby turn into an even more
-> bizarre business.
->
-> He started DogCatRadio.com six months ago for the amusement of his
-> six dogs and the pair of cats he looks after, then watched with
-> bewilderment as what was essentially a joke between friends morphed
-> into an enterprise with global proportions.
->
-> And now it's really taking off.
C'mon, say it, you know you want to: "It's gone to the dogs!"
or "Money's pouring in like it's raining cats and dogs!" or
"It's the cat's Meow Dot Com!" Sheesh, sometimes you newspaper guys
don't even try to be lame. Your bark is worse than your write!
-> Ten days ago a couple of hundred pet owners logged onto the site.
-> Now he's got 50,000 assorted animals from Brazil to Sweden tuning in.
RUN! THE ANIMALS HAVE EVOLVED OPPOSABLE THUMBS TO OPERATE KNOBS!
AND THEY'VE DISCOVERED THE EXCLAMATION-POINT TUNER HIDDEN UNDER THE
KEYBOARD'S "1" KEY!
I wish everything had exclamation-point tuners. They were so cool.
Plus I don't have anything to match my glowing question-mark shaped
umbrella handle when I baffle Batman about why chickens cross roads.
-> "Everyone says, What a genius idea! and I say, What is?" the
-> 34-year-old musician mused. "But I look at these e-mails, where
-> people say, I'm listening to this with my cats, or my bird's
-> singing along to 'YMCA,' so I think, OK, it can't be that weird."
That bird? Call him Mister Eagle.
-> Martinez put the site up a few months ago to entertain his pets
-> while at his day job running an independent record label.
But then Steve Guttenberg played him as "Martin" in a terrible
movie about this. And Mister Eagle was only in ten seconds of it.
-> He told a few friends, who logged on and watched the word spread
-> about the site, which features streaming audio of Martinez's
-> collection of tunes from the 1970s and '80s.
Birds don't know what's no longer hip, just like the people who make
movie trailers. And fortunately for him, everything from the '70s
and '80s is no longer copyrighted because everyone who remembers it
died of old age over one million years ago so the rights-holders
probably won't sue unless zombies can sue which I say they can't
unless they're parrot zombies in which case they can yell "SUE! SUE!
Y! M! C! A! SUE! RAWK! BRAINS!" while eating his brains.
(Is your brain the only internal organ where you get to choose whether
it's singular or plural every time you mention it? I need to know
before I donate something.)
-> [...]
->
-> "I thought it was brilliant from the start," enthused Edward
-> Rivera, who's now become operations manager and producer for the
-> nascent business. "He didn't even realize what he had on his hands.
-> One day, people will come to this site, get their music, buy a mug,
-> then buy their dog food."
And then the day after that, some other pointless site will be famous
for fifteen minutes. Trust me, I know how that works. Or at least
how it used to work eleven years ago.
I predict that in the future, it will be possible for anyone to be
famous for sixteen minutes.
-> [...]
->
-> The station has two disc jockeys and a rotation compiled from
-> Martinez's personal library and listener suggestions. While he
-> works in pet-theme songs -- the Stray Cats are a big favorite, as
-> are canine-covered classics by Dogs In The Hood -- most tunes are no
-> different then those heard on mainstream radio.
And that's why humans won't listen to them.
I question why "Top 40" still exists as a format, given that at any
moment at least 39 of those songs are unlistenable.
-> The playlist leans heavily toward disco, which listeners swear
-> their animals gravitate to.
Yeah, and these guys also tell their wives that it's their pet gerbils
who signed up for all those gay porn sites.
-> Not likely, according to pet expert Matthew Margolis, an author and
-> host of "Woof! It's a Dog's Life" on PBS.
That's stereotyping. Not all dogs go "Woof!". Tiny little dogs go
"Yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap
yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap,"
while bulldogs go... well, I don't know how to spell it, but it's
accompanied by a brown cloud.
-> Even with their superior sense of hearing, he said, animals don't
-> process music in the same way humans do.
->
-> "You've got 50,000 crazy people," he chuckled. "As long as it
-> doesn't hurt the animal, you've got the right to do anything you
-> want, but what's the dog going to do when you get home? Sit on the
-> couch and say I like hard rock and heavy metal?
->
-> "This isn't about the dog being lonely, it's about people being
-> lonely. At what point do you say, give me a break, but it fills
-> people's emotional needs."
Yes, you can take your dog on a romantic disco date! In other words,
this radio station exists because society frowns on actually fucking
your dog.
Now, the nerdy little sweaters some people put on their dogs, those
are just to keep _other_ people from fucking them.
-> Scoff if you want, said Deborah Ray, a Sunland music teacher who
-> broadcasts "The Deb Deb Hour" from noon to 1 p.m. each day. Her dog
-> Jasmine loves Diana Ross, while Little Bear, a pit bull mix, favors
-> Earth, Wind & Fire and The Gap Band. When Martinez told her about
-> the station, she quickly jumped in.
->
-> "I thought, it's about time," she said. "It really does make a
-> difference when animals relate to the same thing their humans like."
Inside of a dog's brain: FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD LONELY LONELY LONELY
FOOD FOOD FOOD EAT SHOES EAT SHOES GOTTA PEE GOTTA PEE GOTTA PEE
FOOD FOOD FOOD LONELY LONELY LONELY EAT POOP EAT POOP
Inside of a disco owner's brain: MUST FIND WAY TO BLAME MY MUSICAL
PREFERENCES ON MY PUPPY TO CONCEAL MY SECRET SHAME THAT I AM A DISCOHEAD
-> And there's tens of thousands of people out there like her, so many
-> that Martinez has been forced to turn the site professional.
Pardon me, I need to change to the "Loud voice shouting 'WINK!!!'"
station for a second.
-> [...]
->
-> "I used to enjoy Baha Men, but you hear 'Who Let the Dogs Out' 30
-> times a day and you get pretty sick of it," he said.
29 is okay?
1 is okay?
-> "`Hound Dog,' by Elvis? I never want to hear it again ...
-> but I never get tired of 'That's What Friends are For.'
-> That always gets me."
Anything's got to be better than hearing a parrot singing "Y-M-C-A".
On second thought, no, that's not as bad as hearing Steve Guttenberg
singing it while wearing a giant parrot suit and roller-boogieing
around a big glittery cage with Rhoda's mom and Bruce Jenner with
one of his old noses. "Can't Stop The Shrieking Parrot", coming to
a theater near your eardrum.
-- K.
There should also be a station
that plays the Elmo doll
singing "E-L-M-O" 24 hours a
day just to make sure that
everyone gets equally sick
of the letters Y, C, A,
E, L, and O, though they'll
be doubly sick of M.
"'Sesame Street' was brought to
you by the sickening letter M.
Me barf up cookies now!"
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Instant review: Mockba (by Brendan Connor)
Date: Tue, 15 Nov 2005 02:10:35 -0500
This just in from our correspondent in some weird country...
Brendan Connor wrote:
>
> Could you post this to Kibology?
>
> Mockba. Mockba. Mockba!
>
> First, I would like to state that I believe that every nation is required
> by law to have at least have one box of generic cereal with a kangaroo
> as the mascot. Tony the Tiger has a slimmer face when compared to the
> American Tony. Also, they are called Frostie Flakes. My favorite cereal
> so far is "At One Jump," by the international company, USVI. It's like
> corn bran with options such as plain or chocolate on the inside. Last night
> I bought a box of Sweitie Wheities. (Insane Kangaroo mascots). Generic
> puffed rice cereal, not bad.
>
> I've tried a couple different brands of frozen pizza. There's a brand
> called Big American but I haven't tried it. Dr. Oetner's makes a decent
> frozen disc. Freschetta has a European presence but the crust ain't
> quite the same.
>
> Beer. I've been drinking Baltica. Not quite a real Russian beer, as
> it's made by the folks that make New Castle and whatnot. However, it is
> exclusively brewed for the Russians and is currently the best selling beer.
> It comes in different strengths and types and each type has a designated
> number. I've found that the "9" is quite tasty. Eight percent beer can
> creep up on ya.
>
> Leather. I've been scouring the city for Kibo boots. The women wear the
> tall leather boots, but it's another story for the men. They tend to wear
> pointy shoes. There's leather everywhere, so Kibo, if you want something
> give me a holler.
>
> Cold. Yes.
>
> Sun. No.
>
> I can't believe I live here.
>
> I gotta go. Should have an internet connection soon. Don't like web cafes
> or google, so, whatever.
>
> Brendan
I'd just like to say that the only Russian cereal I've ever eaten
was Corn Loops Snack, which if I remember correctly, had a monkey
with a baseball cap and a gay purse. It was sweetened with genuine
Russian Alfasweet brand non-sugar-like chemical, which doesn't even
have a hockey team named after it.
Why do they need separate 8% and 9% beers? After all, you can make
your own 9% beer by just mixing together nine cans of 1% beer (or
eighteen cans of Coke.)
-- K.
The cereal tasted like it
came out of a monkey's purse.