From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: devnull Nethack Tourney
Date: Mon, 05 Dec 2005 16:30:39 -0500
Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Life is a lot like the episode titled "Mork's Mixed Emotions" where
> > the little door in the back of his brain bursts open and all the
> > emotions come out, bringing their endorphins with them. Especially
> > because whenever I experience Earth emotions I also beat up a cardboard
> > cutout of Steve Martin. WELL, EXCUUUUUUUUUSE ME!
>
> Robin Williams: Poster child for drug abuse. He stopped
> doing coke, he stopped being funny.
Sorry, Chris Rock beat you to it. Regarding steroids in sports, he
said something along the lines of "If there were drugs that could make
me as funny as Richard Pyror I'd take 'em -- Richard took 'em!"
However, Chris Rock is currently the poster child for dropping out of
high school to become rich and famous (he's damn smart, I imagine school
was just annoying to him) so Robin Williams can be the poster child
for wacky crack comedy binges.
I am the poster child for declaring that people are poster children
for random things. Otto, I declare you to be the poster child for
campaigning to dye lettuce blue so that people won't confuse it with
carrots which have been dyed green. And I declare Anson Williams to
be the poster child for licking only the red dots off the inside of
your TV screen. And Edward Everett Horton is now the poster child
for reprogramming the machinery at Build-A-Bear Workshop to give all
the teddy bears poisonous bellybuttons. Anne Robinson is the
poster child for Marjoe Gortner, and vice versa. Otto, now you're
no longer the poster child for the lettuce thingie, you're now the
poster child for the exact opposite of yourself.
Also, I declare that you're all married. To the lettuce.
-- K.
Drugs are for losers who
weren't cool enough to be
born weird.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Joak Tolled Rong
Date: Mon, 05 Dec 2005 16:39:47 -0500
Captain Infinity (Infinity@captaininfinity.us) wrote:
>
> Q. What time is it to go to the dentist?
>
> A. "Tooth-Achey"!!
>
> HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AHAHA HA HA HA HA HAHA H
> H AH AH HAHA AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
> HA HA H AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH
> HA HA HA HA HA HA HAA__ HA __ HAHAHA___H AH AH H HAHA HA HA HAHA
> HAHA HA HA HA HA HA | | | | / \HAH AHA HA HA HA HAHA HA
> H AHAH AH AH AH AH A| |__| | / _ \HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HAH
> H AH AH AH AHA HA HA| __ | / /_\ \HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA
> HA HA HA HA HA HA HA| | | | / ,___, \A HA HA HAHA HA HA HA
> H AH AH AH AH AH AH |__| |__| /__/ \__\HA HAHA HA HA HA HAA
> HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA H
> H AH AH AH AH AH AHAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
> H AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH
> HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !
I still think mine is the king of jokes which don't require any
effort to tell correctly:
"Hey -- know why Dr Pepper comes in a bottle?"
"No, why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?"
(pained look) "I... don't... know! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."
Here's another one:
"These two penguins are on an iceberg. But the iceberg
breaks in half and the two penguins are drifting further
and further apart. Then they both drowned! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."
When telling a joke like that, you have to end it by screaming
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" so that nobody can hear that the other
person forgot to laugh.
And remember, if some loser accidentally tells a joke which makes
you actually laugh, it's vitally important to point your index finger
at their face while you're laughing so that people will think you
weren't tricked into laughing _with_ them.
-- K.
When is a door not a door?
When it's open!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Instant Review: My Stupid Dream
Date: Mon, 05 Dec 2005 17:07:11 -0500
Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote:
>
> I dreamnt that I was part of a major motion picture about a talking
> cow.
>
> Yes, a talking cow. Which only understood my family. Because I fell
> asleep while 'Dr. Doolittle' was on.
>
> The movie ended with the cow drowning horribly, because it couldn't
> wait for us to figure out how to get it to a swimming hole safely.
Wow, you dreamed you were George Burns.
Now I'm going to have to watch all my old videotapes and see if there
were any episodes where he wore a pirate hat. Somehow it's just not
right to say "ARRRRR!" while wearing a tuxedo.
> Fortunately, for the kids in the audience, some talking seals showed
> up.
Did you used to dream about talking WACs back when you were straight?
I've never met any SEALs. I do know some ex-Navy men who are
frighteningly rugged. Not people you'd want to be paddled by
during one of your equator-crossing dreams.
> Stupid cow.
Okay, now you're getting your Benny Hill in your George Burns.
Stop that or I'll have to re-enact that episode of "The Goodies"
where they put Benny Hill and George Burns in the zoo together
and they gave birth to 50,000 elderly people attempting to do wacky
slapstick much to the audience's horror, like when the audience gasped
as Lucille Ball creakingly climbed up the ladder in "Life With Lucy".
-- K.
If you really are George Burns,
prove it by letting Garry Shandling
rip off your show.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: When Conan O'Brien goes to Finland
Date: Mon, 05 Dec 2005 21:03:47 -0500
Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote:
>
> Hopefully he meets Finaland's favourite son, Tom of Finland, so he can
> pretend to get beaten up by him and they can start doing 'Tom of Finland'
> material on the show and employ Kibo as a scriptwriter exclusively for
> leather jokes.
So in your world, will I be given access to Conan's time machine?
I recall correctly, shortly before he died, he'd started dating
a guy with a fluorescent pink Mohawk.
Just to impress you with what else I can recall -- with videotaped
proof that I do recall it -- if you want to see Conan's time machine,
come over and I'll let you watch my tape of Conan's "Time Travel Week"
from his first year on the air. (It was advertised in "TV Guide"
with a lovely graphic of Conan O'Brien running through an accurately-
drawn graphic representing Irwin Allen's "Time Tunnel".) It was back
when Conan was still doing special experimental things (like the episode
where Dave Foley got called boring by the all-little-kids audience.)
The premise was that late one night, when Conan and Andy were in their
jammies, they wandered backstage and fell into the mouth of a cardboard
scary clown time machine named "Mr. Time", accompanied by a parody of
the theme song from the Kroffts' "Lidsville". My favorite episode that
week was when they materialized in the early 1980's so David Letterman
kicked them off his set.
I miss Andy. But at least bootlegs of the unaired episodes of
"Andy Richter Controls The Universe" have surfaced. I can't help
but wonder, if they revived that series as a movie with Chris Elliott
as Andy's stupid friend, would David Letterman's acting have improved
any for his cameo? You just know his tombstone's gonna say,
"Wanna buy a monkey?"
Anyway, Finland loves Conan O'Brien, France loves Jerry Lewis,
Germans love David Hasselhoff (which proves my theory, that
Norm MacDonald likes to point out that Germans love David Hasselhoff)
but the United States only likes the massively untalented
Larry The Cable Guy (this century's Andrew "Dice" Clay.)
I say we should elect David Cross President of the United States
so he can write a long, hilarious Constitutional amendment explaining
exactly why Larry The Cable Guy isn't even half as funny as an
eighth of the word "fart". Our Constitution is weak on bashing
the untalented.
So, Tim, if you _promise_ I can use the time machine to help
introduce Conan to Tuoko Whassisnamenna -- and then keep the time
machine for my own evil shopping needs (Space Food Sticks!) --
then I love you.
I love you more than David Cross hates Larry The Cable Guy. However,
I love the fact that David Cross hates Larry The Cable Guy more than
I love you... I love David Cross so much that I changed a period to an
ellipsis just to put David Cross's name next to David Cross's name
everywhere in this para except the one right above this.
But if you're lying about Conan having a real time machine, then
I'm going to become President just so I can fuck up the Constitution
to let everyone know how you promised me a time machine.
-- K.
Also I'm going to add a
second Constitutional
amendment that brags about
how I've seen every episode
of Conan's show, as well
as every appearance he
made before then, even
when he played a cop for
half a second in "Not
Necessarily The News".
And no, seeing that
wasn't what killed Tom.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Whee!
Date: Mon, 05 Dec 2005 21:18:21 -0500
Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote:
>
> If I'd known in advance how it was going to turn out, I might have
> kind of enjoyed Saturday's automobile accident. A free, though very
> brief, thrill ride, sliding back and forth and spinning around on a
> snow-covered back road. I was sure I was going to go into a ditch.
If you'd like to have more fun like that, come on over and I'll get
the powdered lye.
Just try not to crash into J.G. Ballard on the way over.
> Instead I skidded right into...
>
> a freakin' _driveway_. Snug up against a snowbank. Facing out toward
> the road, even.
>
> No damage to me, no evident damage to the car, slight damage to the
> snowbank. I got my heart rate down a little, put the car in drive --
> no, it wasn't even stuck in the snow -- and headed for home.
>
> Once I got up to speed on the main road, the car started shimmying.
Watch out! Your car's caught boogie fever!
> I figured I'd knocked something out of alignment or bent something,
> and we were all set to get the car towed to the mechanic's. But they
> suggested (and I'd been thinking of it myself) checking under the
> wheel covers. Voila, snow and ice packed in there. I cleared that
> out and the car seems to be fine.
>
> I thought I'd been driving at a prudent speed. I wasn't. Folks, if
> there's snow on the road, _slow down_, and then -- the part I
> neglected -- *slow down some more*.
Stop with the lecturing and go get a concussion like a real man!
If you've never even had a concussion, you're not qualified to tell
us we should always wear helmets with waffle fries and a large Coke
please, and can you turn off that phone that keeps coming out of
the stained glass cuckoo clock? Mmm, waffle fries, so many waffle fries,
lemme count 'em... one... didn't something used to come after one?
Sincerely,
Santa Claus 2000
"Your Vest Balue In Menswear"
only on Fox's "Nanny 911" for a limited time, may not be combined with
ABC's "Supernanny", void in 59 states, sorry, Don Adams. Remember
before Ronald McDonald had eyes? That was creepy if it ever happened.
The city of Cambridge is like a rubber stamp.
Why does my head hurt and where are my waffle eyes?
-- K.
If you concentrate, you really can
make your own brain feel even more
special than a real concussion would,
which is really improves whatever
episode of "Nanny 911" you're watching.
I'm not sure but I think that tonight
one of the kids is a Dalmatian.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hi
Date: Wed, 07 Dec 2005 17:42:08 -0500
Chris Lansdell (chris.lansdell@nl.HAWHAWSPAMTRAP.rogers.com) wrote:
>
> Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote:
> >
> > Are you still wraslin'? I would heartilly endorse some fun tales of
> > Canukistani Wrestling.
>
> Well, sort of. Buying house + feverishly job-hunting + attempting
> procreation leaves little time for recreation. Did have a match last night,
> but it was very short. They're building me up for a shot at the Newfoundland
> title, which is basically like the TV Title used to be in WCW...a way of
> saying "hey we gave you a championship run, now you can stay!" The idea is
> to push me as a guy who has studied tapes and matches of everyone, so I can
> reverse/anticipate all their moves and beat them without pain to myself.
Please tell me you're not making any Chuck Berry tapes.
+------------ >8 clip & memorize -------------+
| |
| HANDY QUICK REFERENCE GUIDE TO SCAT TAPES |
| |
| Mel Torme -- good Chuck Berry -- bad |
| |
| Mel Torme says, "Shooby-dee-boop |
| dooby-dee-dooby-dee, filimg people doin' |
| their poop-a-dooba-boop ain't right by me!" |
| |
+------ scissors go counter-clockwise 8< -----+
>8 <--- spare scissors in case you lose the others
^
|
careful, arrow is sharp
> Opponent's name was Bonk. Please don't ask why, I do not know. He ran at me
> with a clothesline, which I ducked and turned into an armbar. He made it to
> the ropes, got up, threw a couple of punches, which I returned, then he
> ducked my sidekick and tried to throw me in a capture suplex. I poked him in
> the eye and hit the face-first powerbomb for the win. He's going to be out
> for 4 weeks because he neglected to put out his hands on the fall, and broke
> his nose.
Now, "Bonk", that's a good name for a wrestler. Though I think
"Heavy Thud" or "The Big Wet Splat" would be even better.
How about "Sickening Squelch"?
> Next week I'm supposed to be cutting a promo and doing a run-in during a
> match between the Newfoundland champion Redneck Rex and his ex-partner
> WalMartin. You couldn't make these gimmicks up on LSD, I dread to think what
> they WERE on when they came up with them.
Well, at least you know that "WalMartin" will never rise to national
fame without being taken down by a tag-team of Arkansas lawyers.
The question is, who would win in a fight between WalMartin and
Sandy McTire?
What about a fight between Sandy McTire and Ronald McDonald if they
were both wearing kilts? I heard that the only thing Ronald McDonald
wears under his kilt is two squirts of ketchup and one of mustard.
Whoops, I just gave away the secret recipe. McDONALDS IS DOOMED!
-- K.
^
|
in case of emergency, "K" may be used as scissors
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Dollies in Xmas bondage
Date: Wed, 07 Dec 2005 19:05:20 -0500
I swear I found this by reading Fark.com and not because I do an
hourly Google News search for the phrase "immobilized by a torturer's
rack of wire, tape, thread and plastic lashing."
[www.theolympian.com]
->
-> Toy packaging can leave parents frustrated
->
-> By Jeff Gammage
-> Knight Ridder Newspapers
->
-> Here at the start of the seasonal shopping rush, bright-eyed tykes
-> begin looking forward to bundles of new toys, and parents
-> anticipate their own special holiday sentiment:
->
-> Seething frustration. Fueled by the ordeal of trying to extract
-> those toys from their packaging.
They're called scissors. Grow a pair and buy a pair of them.
-> These days, children's playthings don't come nestled inside their
-> containers -- they come grafted to them, immobilized by a torturer's
-> rack of wire, tape, thread and plastic lashing.
PLEASE POST RECIPE FOR PLASTIC LASHING WITH MIRACLE WHIP
-> "The thing that surprised me," Haddonfield, N.J., mother Merri
-> Votta said, recalling her recent battle with a Polly Pocket doll,
-> "is how many times the wire was twisted. It wasn't twisted twice or
-> three times. It was twisted "a lot of times. She had the wire
-> around her neck, her arms ...."
Well, see, twisted wire doesn't actually hold anything down unless you
twist it, because... oh, hell with it, let's just cut to Conan watching
a dog lick peanut butter off a picture of Steve Allen.
-> It wasn't always like this. Long, long ago, in an era that
-> historians have come to call "the 1970s," toys came in cardboard
-> boxes. Children could actually open these boxes by themselves and
-> begin playing with their toys immediately.
And that's the problem right there. Toy stores really don't like it
rip open an Easy-Bake Oven and start mixing the batter before deciding
you don't really want to buy it after all.
-> Today, dolls and action figures come bound like miniature
-> Gullivers. It can take a parent 15 minutes or more to free them,
-> and 15 minutes for every toy that follows.
...because parents' time is too precious for them to take two seconds
to learn to use a pair of scissors. So instead they waste 15 minutes
trying to tear plastic with their hands.
Things were much better in the olden days, back when all you needed
to open any crate was a common household crowbar!
-> "By the time you're done Christmas morning," sighed industry
-> analyst Chris Byrne, editor of the Toy Report, "you're ready for
-> a cocktail."
Okay, I'll buy that as the other reason parents can't open things:
Half of them are too dumb to know they can cut things with scissors,
and the other half are drunk all the time.
-> A cocktail, and perhaps a tetanus shot. Or a few stitches. Because
-> trying to open a toy is not just maddening but dangerous: More
-> Americans are injured by packaging than are hurt in skateboard
-> accidents -- 220,000 a year, according to government figures.
That's an impressive figure, when you factor in that all parents had
to take up skateboarding in order for that number to even pretend
it's impressive.
-> People slice their hands on jagged plastic, pierce their fingers
-> on wires, accidentally run themselves through with knives and
-> screwdrivers.
Big deal. Angelina Jolie does all that without even rolling over in bed.
"You're young, you're crazy, you're in bed,
and you've got knives, so shit happens."
-- Angelina Jolie
-> Why do toy-makers insist on packaging their products this way?
->
-> It's simple: They're sadists. The companies are run by twisted old
-> men who get their kicks from tying up helpless little dollies and
-> watching parents go berserk trying to wrestle them loose.
->
-> Just kidding.
The truth is that, much as they'd like to, toy manufacturers aren't
permitted to hide tiny cameras in every doll's forehead so they can
enjoy the sight of drunken idiots not being able to undo a twist-tie.
The government should stop interfering in the lives of sadists!
The Constitution say right on the first line that all sadists
have a right to the pursuit of happiness, no matter how many people
they have to injure with bendy twist-ties, molded Styrofoam trays,
and little dots of rubber cement!
-> Actually, the manufacturers don't much like the packaging, either.
-> For one thing, it's not good business to antagonize your customers.
-> For another, when you manufacture $20 billion worth of toys every
-> year, the cost of wire and plastic binding adds up.
->
-> Take Mattel's My Scene Goes Hollywood Chelsea,
Take it? I can't even parse it!
-> a redhead dressed for a movie premiere. The doll and her two
-> dozen accessories are held down by 20 pieces of tape, five wires,
-> two lengths of stitching, three drops of glue, a couple of rubber
-> clasps, a waist harness, assorted cardboard spacers
Um, excuse me, but that adds up to more than two dozen accessories,
possibly more than three dozen depending on how many exciting
cardboard spacers there are. They're cardboard spacers... from outer
space! It's the groovy cardboard toy from the second dimension!
Put it in your pocket and it goes where you go and you can sit on it!
Cardboard spacers, included only with the doll with the stupid name!
-> and, not least, a plastic cord threaded through the back of
-> Chelsea's skull. (Which you know has GOT to hurt).
->
-> If a living, breathing child can be safely transported in a
-> five-point restraint car seat, say peeved moms and dads, why does
-> a doll need 20?
Because dolls are more dangerous. Don't you remember what happened
to Telly Savalas on "The Twilight Zone"? Good thing it was just a
doll and not a ventriloquist dummy, or it might have killed his brother
Stavros too.
-> One problem is, parents are crooks. Or at least, some of them are.
->
-> For certain moms and dads, business analysts say, discovering that
-> their daughter's My Pretty Pony is missing her comb or their son's
-> Take-Along Tool Kit has lost its wrench doesn't mean buying a whole
-> new toy. It means going back to the store and trying to pilfer the
-> missing part from a new box. So, manufacturers have turned to
-> impenetrable packaging as part of their defense.
"MOOOOOMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY! I LOST ANOTHER TINY BARBIE SHOE, YOU BETTER
HURRY UP AND GO ON A CRACK-FUELED SHOPLIFTING SPREE!"
-> Another problem is that these days, most toys aren't being shipped
-> from plants in Ohio, New York or Michigan. More likely they're
-> coming from Guangdong or Jiangsu provinces, in China. Sixty percent
-> of U.S. toys are made there, and another 25 percent come from
-> countries such as Vietnam and Thailand. That means toys are
-> traveling halfway around the globe and being dropped, spun, shaken
-> and tipped all along the way.
->
-> A toy has to survive that passage -- not only intact, but without so
-> much as shifting in its package.
And also, there's the genetic predisposition that causes Chinese-speaking
people to wrap things in 58 layers of packaging. As an example, I cite
the clothing I recently ordered from overseas (made in Mongolia, shipped
via Shanghai.) Each of the three garments was folded up into a little
bundle, then each bundle had a strap made of matching fabric fastened
around it, then each bundle was put in a plastic bag, then each plastic
bag was completely wrapped in brown plastic tape, then the three
taped bundles were taped together into one big multiply-mummified wad,
then that was put into a bootleg Nike box, then the box was wrapped in
brown paper, then the paper was again completely mummified in brown tape.
I forget whether or not this package also had twine around it when it
arrived, but my point is that the reason that pair of socks you bought
at WalMart costs so much is that the sweatshop workers in Mongolia get
paid two cents to make 'em and someone in the WalMart back room gets
paid several dollars to unwrap 'em.
German, French, and Japanese people are good at packaging things
sensibly and securely. British people toss stuff into a container of
any sort, such as a supermarket plastic bag with three holes in it,
and then hurl it into a post box from across the street, which is the
opposite of the Chinese method of over-wrapping everything by a factor
of lucky 8.
If NetFlix ever gets sold to the British, they'll cut down on their
extravagant packaging and switch from mailing DVDs in flimsy paper
envelopes to just spraying each DVD with Silly String.
-> "With Barbie, you don't want her looking like she's been through a
-> long sea voyage in the stern when she gets to you," Byrne said.
->
-> And that's the toy-makers' third dilemma:
->
-> Even after a toy arrives in the store, safe and whole, its
-> packaging still has work to do. It has to provide what's called
-> "shelf shout." That is, the packaging has to help the toy serve as
-> its own, in-store advertising.
->
-> Barbie must be more than present -- she has to be facing forward,
-> arms poised, hair in place, her extra shoes and handbags perfectly
-> aligned.
I heard a toy company executive had a nervous breakdown trying to
figure out whether or not a Nerf ball was facing forward.
I miss the original Nerf ball. That was the last toy you could buy
which didn't have advertisements printed on it.
-> As annoying as the wire and twist ties, parents say, are the hard
-> plastic shells that encase so many toys.
->
-> "We've cut our hands on the plastic," said Lisa Glavin, who is
-> raising two daughters with her husband, John. "It makes you want to
-> not buy things that are packaged like that."
No, it makes you want to BUY SCISSORS! Or at least BUY A BRAIN!
-> Take Gazillion Bubbles, made by Funrise Toy Corp. The small bottle
-> of suds delivers exactly what it promises -- once you free it from
-> its capsule, a job that requires a sharp knife and steely
-> determination.
->
-> "It's not that we want to package certain things this way," said
-> Susan Spiegel, vice president of marketing for Funrise, which also
-> makes Doctor Dreadful's Demented Drink Lab ("Looks gross, tastes
-> great!"). But companies must meet shipping and security regulations
-> set by distributors and governments.
I looked through the Constitution again and nowhere does it mention
the words "Demented" or "Drink Lab", even in the part about how
sadists should laugh at people who try to tear molded plastic
with their semi-opposable thumbs instead of breaking out the
Tweety Bird scissors.
-> Most of all, Spiegel said, Funrise wants its toys to be safe for
-> kids. That means Gazillion Bubbles has to arrive in your home in
-> the same sealed condition as when it left the factory.
Yeah, wouldn't want anyone poisoning the bubble soap so it would make
you sick if you drink it.
-> So what's the solution for parents who are fed up and manufacturers
-> that need their toys to stay whole and tamper-proof? Again, the
-> answer is simple: There isn't one. To design new packaging that's
-> equally secure but easier to open, and to then refit the
-> manufacturing plants, would be wildly expensive.
->
-> That would mean raising prices for toys. No one in the industry is
-> eager to do that.
Um... Have you been in a Lego store lately? They'll let you buy a
tiny plastic juice cup full of Legos for only a few dozen dollars.
And the best part is, you get the cup for free!
-> Votta, who has four children, said she could understand why
-> companies need their toys to look great on the shelves. If she had
-> a choice between a doll that was standing tall and one that was
-> crumpled in a heap, she would buy the former. Still, she wonders
-> what all this elaborate packaging reveals about the American psyche.
I don't think psychologists need to worry about "Why do Americans like
to put things in plastic boxes when the Kalahari Bushmen don't?" when
they could be worrying about why we buy our kids "Mattel's My Scene Goes
Hollywood Chelsea" and "Doctor Dreadful's Demented Drink Lab".
-> "As I'm unwrapping these things," she said, "I'm thinking of people
-> in China who are making these things, living on very low pay,
-> looking at a Power Ranger -- and thinking how ridiculous Americans
-> are, and how we go to great lengths to protect the sword of a Power
-> Ranger."
Because the Power Rangers aren't real so we can't ask them to guard
our toy stores against raids by Rita Reuplsa and the Putty Patrol.
Sheesh, do I have to explain everything to everyone all the time?
I'm going to go play with my Nerf Ball and watch some videotapes I
secretly made of people trying to unwrap Mattel's My Pretty Drink
Lab Goes Dreadfully Demented In Chelsea And/Or Hollywood.
-- K.
I asked for a Doctor Dreadful's
Demented Drink Lab, but they
won't let me have anything more
demented than a Nerf Ball.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Dollies in Xmas bondage
Date: Thu, 08 Dec 2005 11:54:12 -0500
In a previous article, I examined the world's greatest social problem:
Toys have twist-ties on them to keep people from playing with them
before buying them. Now, I humbly submit that Japan has found the
ultimate weapon on the war to make consumer goods impenetrable:
[mdn.mainichi-msn.co.jp]
->
-> In order to safeguard minors from printed matter containing nudity,
-> violence and other adult contents, local governments in Japan have
-> begun to oblige magazine publishers to affix a seal preventing
-> their magazines from being opened while on the newsstand.
->
-> "Since the new ordinance in Tokyo went into effect from July 2004,
-> these seals have been affixed to over 170 different magazines each
-> month," a publishing industry source tells Shukan Taishu (12/12).
->
-> The seals, made of transparent tape that measures about 3cm in
-> diameter, can be removed by the purchaser without damaging the
-> magazine, but prevent browsing inside the store. Some customers
-> apparently peel them off for a look-see anyway -- they are easy
-> enough to remove -- leading to calls by some for even more drastic
-> solutions (like two seals instead of one).
Heaven help us if we ever go to war with Japan again. The country
will have some sort of impregnable defense made out of two, maybe
even as many as three, stickers.
-- K.
So how many of you carefully
remove all the stickers and
metal strips from every DVD
you buy so they won't set off
metal detectors when you carry
DVDs in your briefcase while
shopping? And how many of you
save all the little metal
strips and stick 'em on
store employees' butts to
cause incredibly minor mayhem?
They really need to update
the degaussing scene in
"Fight Club" from VHS to DVD.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Dollies in Xmas bondage
Date: Wed, 07 Dec 2005 20:58:33 -0500
Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > They're called scissors. Grow a pair and buy a pair of them.
>
> Please don't put scissors and testicles in the same sentence.
How about "toenail clippers" and "vasectomy"?
"Hermit crab" and "taint"?
Okay, that was a little crude. Let's agree not to say "taint" in
this article. The next one who says "taint" gets the toenail clippers.
> > And that's the problem right there. Toy stores really don't like it
> > rip open an Easy-Bake Oven and start mixing the batter before deciding
> > you don't really want to buy it after all.
>
> A friend of mine worked at a Toys-R-Us, and often saw customers
> open a box to inspect the contents and make sure all the parts were
> inside, then put it back on the shelf and grab an unopened box.
> Because that other one was somehow tainted by being opened.
Then you really don't want to know about the Hamburger Helper
on the supermarket's clearance shelf.
-- K.
You said the secret word, Pee-wee!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Midlife Crisises are the best!
Date: Thu, 08 Dec 2005 02:00:36 -0500
TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote:
>
> What do people generally do after their breakdowns?
Do YOU feel BOXED IN and SPACED OUT? Are you emotionally VULNERABLE?
If so, send TWENTY DOLLARS to ME NOW and then get better. Also learn
the ancient Aztec SECRETS of time management, weight loss, and the
opposite of smoking. Write BOX ONE BILLION, GENERAL DELIVERY, NEW YORK.
If you're having a nervous breakdown, my advice is to find someone
who can hug you and listen supportively while you cry. Warning:
Don't let pickpockets hug you even if they're good listeners.
If you're having a midlife crisis, my advice is to go with hats rather
than a hair weave, as hats are far cheaper and nobody ever points at
your hat and laughs "YOUR HAT LOOKS FAKE!"
If you're having both a breakdown and a midlife crisis at the same
time, my advice is to mail your wallet to ME NOW at BOX ONE BILLION
so that you won't do something stupid like hiring a hooker to live
in your new sports car. Let me hang onto your money until you're
centered enough to never want to spend any of it -- I'll make sure
you won't get your money back before you've decided you don't care
whether or not you get it back. That's just how good a friend
I am. Write BOX ONE BILLION today, NO WEIRDOS.
> I don't ever want to have to touch a com-pu-ter again, and I don't
> want to ever have to write a paper again.
>
> Fuck.
You know, some of us can write pages and pages at the drop of a hat,
and are willing to accept money to do so. Send TWENTY DOLLARS to ME NOW
and find out whether I can ghost-write for you. Or you could hire that
guy who wrote that thing Shatner put his name on, it's your right to
make a bad decision like that. But believe me, if you need to pay
someone to crap out some literature for you, I can write all the crap
you need!
-- K.
Ever wonder what J. K. Rowling's
initials really stand for?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Today's wacky Taser horseplay in the news.
Date: Thu, 08 Dec 2005 12:34:47 -0500
[www.freep.com]
->
-> Ex-officer charged in Taser shooting of partner
->
-> They argued on patrol, prosecutors say
->
-> By Ben Schmitt
-> Free Press Staff Writer
->
-> A fired Hamtramck police officer was charged Wednesday with assault
-> and battery for allegedly discharging a Taser weapon at his partner
-> last month during an argument in their patrol car.
->
-> Ronald Dupuis, 32, of Allen Park was charged with the 93-day
-> misdemeanor by Wayne County prosecutors. He is making arrangements
-> to be arraigned, possibly later this week, according to Hamtramck
-> Police Chief James Doyle.
->
-> Dupuis, a 6-year employee, is accused of firing the Taser at his
-> female partner during a Nov. 3 argument.
What, he's a lesbian? Oh, wait, sometimes "female partner" just means
"female partner". My apologies to Howard Stern and anyone else who
only reads my articles because they might contain hot lesbian-on-lesbian
police-uniform wrestling.
-> Doyle fired him about a week later.
->
-> A police report indicates Dupuis and his partner, Prema Graham,
-> began arguing after Dupuis demanded she stop the patrol car at a
-> convenience store so he could purchase a soft drink. Graham wanted
-> to get back to the police station and drove past the store.
->
-> At some point, the pair began arguing and struggling over the
-> steering wheel, according to the report.
->
-> At one point, Dupuis used his department-issued Taser weapon to
-> strike Graham in the leg near the intersection of Holbrook and
-> Conant, prosecutors said.
BAD COP! NO DOUGHNUT FOR YOU!
So why is shooting someone with a Taser a "93-day misdemeanor" in that
part of Michigan? Are the extra three days a tribute to some Detroit
basketball star who wore a "93" jersey and had to be subdued with a
Taser during a game?
More from a TV station with an obviously made-up call sign:
[www.wxyz.com]
=>
=> [...]
=>
=> Police Tasers are supposed to be used to control an unruly suspect.
=> But now, Dupuis is facing a misdemeanor assault and battery charge
=> for the way he is said to have used the weapon.
I would say something about the "battery" "charge" except that
I don't think my Degree Of Difficulty scale goes below zero.
=> According to court records, Ronald Jay Dupuis II used his Taser
=> on the female officer on November 3, 2005.
=>
=> "The allegations are that there was a dispute that arose between
=> the two of them verbally," says Sgt. Frederick of the Hamtramck
=> police.
Damn verbal disputes! Police officers should stick to resolving
their disagreements with hand puppets instead of words.
=> Dupuis and his partner were in their patrol car near Conant and
=> Holbrook when they got into an argument about where to go next.
Uh oh. I smell Conant O'Bryant / Hal Holbrook crossover slash-fic
coming around the corner of the Internet.
Conant O'Bryant was a lot better back when he had that wacky
Hindustani sidekick, Andeet Richtert.
So that's what I'm reduced to -- making up phony ethnic-sounding names.
Must be a slow news day. Normally there should be real ethnic people
getting Tasered!
=> "The allegations continue on. The male officer pulled his Taser and
=> effected a tase on the female officer," Sgt. Frederick says.
"He then stopped to make up more new words, and when asked what
sort of dressing he wanted on his salad, he effected a cease on it."
Yes, I know that depends on "Caesar" being spelled the way most people
do instead of the right way. Don't bother me about all the deliberate
misspellings in my artifle. This is just a friggin' news story about
cops beating women without touching them thanks to the evil power of
high technology.
I researched this story as best as I could (without actually
telephoning any Taser-wielding Detroit-area police chiefs) but
could not learn the most crucial detail: What brand of soda?
Also, since when do Detroit's suburbs even have police? I thought
that, being unable to afford police departments, most of that area
had been abandoned to the wolves and chuds.
-- K.
When riding shotgun,
using a Taser on the
person who's driving is
generally contra-indicated
by one of the Taser manual's
593 "don'ts". It's right
below "Don't use your Taser
on anyone who has a family
that will sue when the
Taser kills another person."
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Anger management
Date: Thu, 08 Dec 2005 12:42:13 -0500
Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote:
>
> So at work I got criticized for reading a CT later than I should have.
> Apparently "routine" does not mean "routine", even when ERs, STATs and
> ASAPs are in front of the line. I mean, EVERYONE in that place is
> deathly ill, and those who arent are in a hurry to get out of the ER.
> Hurry hurry hurry. Gah.
>
> Next: Acquire ESP. And speed. I wonder if that is deductible.
Not unless it has an acronym like all the other fun things you mentioned.
Can you give me a CT for free? I just want to know how many extra
lobes my brain has.
> DAMNIT IF I HADNT DONE THAT I COULD HAVE BEEN JUSTIFIABLY ANGRY AT BEING
> STIFFED.
>
> I could say I read (or failed to read) that CT during the hour I wasnt
> being paid.
>
> I hope the poor lady does better. I had to stick a very long needle in
> her back 2 days ago because the doc thought she was delirious from BRANE
> disease instead of teh huge bowel peforation that I found on her ROUTINE
> exam. Well, they do say the obese are difficult to examine. Doctor.
> Perhaps that will teach him to order his CT later than he should have.
> GRUMBLE!
Actually, the truly obese are difficult _not_ to examine. And when
they sit around the waiting room, they sit _around_ the waiting room!
Adding emphasis improves _every_ punchline, especially when it's
about how obese people are also _fat_!
> Someone tell me to take my Ambien already. Thanks.
You should ask a doctor before taking Ambien.
-- K.
I heard they're putting out
a new series of postage stamps
based on lower GI X-rays,
but nobody wants to lick the
stamps' bowel perforations.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Important Message from the Department of Hate
Date: Thu, 08 Dec 2005 20:12:20 -0500
dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote:
>
> The following list of people are on my hate list and as such at Hmas
> this year, after they've hung their stockings with care over the white
> hot embers in the fireplace lit by my firey hatred, those stockings will
> be full of rocks on Hmas morning. Not polished and pretty rocks mind you,
> but plain ugly brown dirty ones from my driveway, with dried snail slime
> all over them.
Well, as long as it's dried.
> The reasons I hate them (like I need a reason) is that certain words
> and expressions now creep unbidden into my thoughts, conversations and
> written correspondence-sometimes at work, sometimes in my spellchecker
> but always at the most inappropriate times. It does not matter if these
> bozos are not the ones originally responsible for imbedding this
> vocabulary or spelling. What *is* important is that I now associate
> certain words with the whole damn bunch of chuckleheads now and they're
> not going to get away with it any longer.
Man, you must hate Rich Hall for all those "Sniglets". And that guy who
kept making up new words -- that Shakespeare dude. I hope you'll be
happy when he's dead.
> Since I've been making little marks next to the name of the person
> responsible for each time I goof up and use/think/spell the offending
> words, some of you will need to upgrade your Hmas stockings. Possible
> suggestions are Merino wool, full cushion, double knit winter socks in a
> size that Sasquatch himself would wear.
If your wardrobe must include knitwear, the one good item of clothing
to own made from yarn is a nice three-hole ski mask. I love the time
of year when it's so cold that you have an excuse to wear your ski mask
into the local Walgreen's.
It really proves my theory that security personnel won't follow you
around as much if you act like you're trying to look suspicious.
I'm currently trying to determine whether a black ski mask with black
clothes is more or less attention-getting-therefore-security-will-ignore-you
than a fluorescent orange ski mask with black clothes. I enjoy the latter
because it makes me look like the bad guy from "Tron 2: Cybernetic Ski School".
So I'm in the Walgreen's checkout line dressed like that around midnight
last night, and the clerk stares at my mask a while, and she finally asks,
"Is it freezing outside?"
Another good option is the black one-hole balaclava, which is good if
you need to change from a ninja to Death from "The Seventh Seal" at
a moment's notice. I have a story about that from earlier today,
I'll post it once you've all calmed down.
> Word List Guilty Party(ies) Number of marks recorded
>
> [...]
>
> Kroger's(any store)is so gay- Kibo/////
I've never been in a Kroger's.
I get all my gay groceries at Trader Joe's or Whole Foods. Except when
I go to Stop & Shop or Shaw's for hetero-style food, or the Super 88
for petrified alien food. Or the Walgreen's for delicious Tums, which
are just like Necco Wafers except less chalky. They should make
Necco Wafers more like Tums by changing their name to Nrop. Also they
should discontinue the leaded-vinegar-flavored ones.
For Kroger's to truly be gay, they'd have to be exactly like Trader Joe's.
Or at least sell creme brulee from bulk bins. (No bare hands! Always use
a tissue when picking up a handful of creme brulee!)
Speaking of bad supermarket practices, my local Stop & Shop deli is now
selling deviled eggs packed in special plastic deli trays designed to
hold six half-eggs upright in a sort of Busy Berkeley water ballet asterisk
formation. Except their deviled egg recipe seems to be something like:
3 eggs
1 tablespoon sweet fluorescent yellow American mustard
1 tablespoon extra-sweet pickle relish
1 quart corn syrup
1 quart NutraSweet
1 pound five-dimensional nuclear saccharin
3 pounds confectioner's sugar
5 pounds special sugar with exactly the opposite flavor of an egg so that
instead of "egg plus sugar" the deviled eggs taste like sugar without eggs
In other words, they're kinda sweet. Cloyingly so. Without any real
mustard, or horseradish, or celery seed, or hot pepper, or anything else
you might actually want in a deviled egg. They merely ruin eggs without
actually adding any flavor to them. They're like sugar pills that give
you high cholesterol with your diabetes.
-- K.
I wish we had a Meijer here.
Also it should be spelled
"Meijier" for wacky typographic
hijinks and a kerning logjam.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Important Message from the Department of Hate
Date: Thu, 08 Dec 2005 21:28:16 -0500
Captain Infinity (Infinity@captaininfinity.us) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > So I'm in the Walgreen's checkout line dressed like that around midnight
> > last night, and the clerk stares at my mask a while, and she finally asks,
> > "Is it freezing outside?"
>
> FINISH THE STORY!
I said "Yes." Then I went home. Then I had dinner, then I went to bed,
then I had breakfast, then I had lunch, then I had dinner, then I went
to bed. The End. ENDENDENDENDENDENDENDENDEND TEAR OFF HERE 601 601 601
I have another story about a brief interaction with a different clerk
at that Walgreen's, but I'll save it for later because that story
plays the race card. I'll sit on it until I need to trump something.
Since you didn't even ask about the story which actually had loose ends,
I'll just have to quote myself to remind you to ask me about it:
> >
> > Another good option is the black one-hole balaclava, which is good if
> > you need to change from a ninja to Death from "The Seventh Seal" at
> > a moment's notice. I have a story about that from earlier today,
> > I'll post it once you've all calmed down.
Oh hell, I'm tired of waiting for you to ask -- here it is.
So I'm wearing all black. Black leather motorcycle jacket, black jeans,
black insulated gloves, black harness boots. Black silk thermal undies,
because it's pretty cold here. (Silk is damn good for winter underwear --
it keeps you surprisingly warm for something so light, but it doesn't
make you sweat much when you're indoors.)
Because I was just going shopping (art supplies and groceries) I didn't
want to bother putting my contact lenses in, so as I had to wear my
glasses the appropriate winter hat was the black one-hole balaclava
(pulled down under my chin so that I was completely covered in black
except for the eyes, nose, and mouth.)
I enter the Symphony subway station on my way home, with bags of
giant magic markers (Japanese signwriting) and tuna salad. There's
only one other person in the station, a small older woman, probably
in her 50s, about a foot shorter than me. Since I know that at
Symphony they only open the front door of the train (because there
are no turnstiles or attendant in the station) I set my shopping
bags down right where I know the train will stop. The woman is
further back, hanging around the never-occupied token booth.
I stroll back and forth along the platform (there are no benches to
sit near where the train will actually stop) and when I come near her,
she says, "Is this a joke?"
"Huh?" I say.
She gestures at the empty token booth and repeats, "Is this a joke?"
I explain that Symphony has no attendant and she has to pay on the
train. Her face doesn't register major signs of comprehension,
she's clearly at least one of lost, puzzled, sedated, and/or stupid.
She compliments me by saying I remind her of somebody or other
whose name I didn't catch, then asks me if I will do her a favor.
Urban survival red flags raised: She's going to want $20 because she
lost her imaginary car keys down the imaginary sewer or something, right?
(Just the fact that she's talking to a stranger is suspicious all
by itself in the urban Northeast.)
I ask her what the favor is without committing. She says she wants
me to hug her.
Red flags: Possible pickpocket. Or she's just trying to bond with
me so that she'll ask me if she can keep warm at my place and steal
all my stuff.
But my leather jacket is zipped up so I'm immune to close-range
pick-pocketry, and if she tries to scam me I know I can always
think of an escape route from any maze of verbal trickery, so
I give her the hug -- I can't lose anything, and she might actually
need a hug.
She does seem to need it, we embrace for a while, with her forehead
pressed against the front of my shoulder, it seems cathartic for her.
Afterwards she feels the front of my leather jacket, either enjoying
the touch of leather, or looking for lumps shaped like gold bars.
Then comes the sales pitch. "So I have to pay on the train? What
if I don't have the money?" I keep my train tokens in the little
change pocket on the bottom of my leather jacket (it snaps shut)
so they're separate from my real money -- and I just know that this
game usually involves asking for a pittance so that she can then
look into my pocket to see whether I have a bunch more money.
She seems nice, so I give her a subway token, and indeed she stares
directly into my pocket from close range while it's open.
Then, continuing with the "too nice so she's either going to ask for
$20 or is on a mood-altering substance or otherwise mentally special"
script, she asks me to take off my glasses so she can see my eyes.
I take them off and she compliments me on my eyes.
Now remember, I'm a foot taller than her, dressed all in black,
very light skin, wearing a black hood.
She asks, "You ever see that movie, 'The Seven Seals'?"
Assuming she means "The Seventh Seal" (which, as "The Last Action Hero"
explains in a close-up of a poster, is "INGMAR BERGMAN'S FAMOUS MOVIE
ABOUT [giant letters] DEATH") but trying to tactfully not acknowledge
that its actual title isn't what she said, I ask, "You mean the
Ingmar Bergman movie?"
She looks baffled. Her train of thought appears to be changing again
when the actual train approaches the platform, giving me an excuse
to walk away to pick up my shopping bags where it will stop further down.
At this point I'm mentally plotting strategies as to where to sit
so as to have the least contact with the woman who is not only
suspiciously nice but also wanting to let me know I remind her of
Death incarnate.
As I'm about to step onto the train, she asks, "Which way is it going?"
and I say that it's a Huntington Ave. / Heath St. train. She asks,
"How do I get to the other side?" and I tell her that for the inbound
train she has to go outdoors and cross the street. Thus ends our
interaction, releasing me from the burden of having to further worry
about why she wants to hug me even though I look like Death.
(Then I imagined Rod Serling stepping out from behind a curtain
to explain a twist ending of some sort. Oh no! I really _am_ Death!
I curse Arnold Schwarzenegger's magic ticket! And I'm gonna get
Bill & Ted!)
When I got home I had a run-in with one of those idiots who doesn't
know how to use an elevator properly, but that's a shorter story
so I'll omit it.
-- K.
If I'm not actually Death,
then who is -- Robert Redford
or Jason Alexander?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Important Message from the Department of Hate
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 05:17:40 -0500
[concerning who is and isn't on the Ladder Of Hate, which may or may
not be the best slasher movie written by Harlan Ellison:]
Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote:
>
> Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote:
> >
> > [...] Now I'm really jealous, almost enough to go to Home Depot
> > and price Ladders of Hate.
>
> You can't buy ladders of hate at Home Depot. You can add quite a few
> rungs there, though.
I don't think Home Depot's Ladders Of Hate stand up to scrutiny.
Or when leaning against walls. Or with people climbing them.
Let's face it, Home Depot isn't competent enough to make and sell
ladders correctly. They're pretty good at ripping you off when
you try to buy something, though, so you might want to go there if
you need a Ladder Of Scamminess, though it would be hard to take
it home since it holds up Home Depot.
Okay, now a three-way literary Chinese Checkers battle:
With the red marbles: Harlan Ellison's "Ladder Of Hate"
With the blue marbles: H.P. Lovecraft's "Ladder Of Hate"
With the yellow marbles: The "Doctor Who" serial "Ladder Of Hate"
AND a marble is jumping over another marble AND jumping again
AND the next player responds by picking up a marble AND putting
it down in a space closer to the other side of the board AND
it appears to be a legal move AND the third player needs to
catch up unless they're already ahead AND this isn't really a
very good play-by-play AND it sucks OR my name is Dolly Parton
UH-OH the truth value of whether or not I am Dolly Parton is
now governed by the placement of imaginary parenthesis in
the Boolean logic of this play-by-play BUT Boolean logic has
no place in sports SO what? <-- A period is a proper subset of
a question mark therefore every question contains its own answer.
Wow, sometimes I'm so deep that I amuse myself. I tried amusing
myself quietly with these Chinese checkers but they kept making
loud noises when I smashed them with a hammer. Also I'm not sure
how to king Chinese checkers because the marbles keep falling off the
other marbles because I don't live near the Earth's vernal equinox.
This article now officially replaces "Desiderata", because it's
more profound than anything Leonard Nimoy ever said.
-- K.
Rejoice in the knowledge that you
are a child of two different colors
of marbles. Walk placidly along
the dotted line between noise and
confusion. And the dull and ignorant?
You're soaking in them!
COPYRIGHT (C) GENE RODDENBERRY
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Krispy Krash!
Date: Thu, 08 Dec 2005 22:41:23 -0500
Krispy Kreme just closed all their Massachusetts stores except for one.
The one near me (in the Prudential Center) has been gone for about two
months, and they just shut down all the others except the one in Dedham.
So, the doughnut bubble burst.
All together now: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
I like Krispy Kremes (they're my favorite doughnuts, for those rare
times I actually want doughnuts) but it's more fun to hate them,
'cause they're a fast-food chain, so let's consider that a 75%
sarcastic, 25% genuine "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"
I hope this means that I can convince White Castle to move back to
Boston, now that there are all these empty little doughnut stores that
just need miniature sniper towers added to turn them into White Castles.
Also, I hope it means they never make any sequels to that movie about
Homer Price's friggin' doughnut machine. Do you have any idea how many
times they showed that to me in elementary school? That and "Paddle
To The Sea". Damn that tiny canoe. I hope the tiny Indian's dead by now.
-- K.
I still want to find a copy of
that hygiene-propaganda film
where the witch makes kids
play football in the mud then
takes a fancy bubble bath.
Does anyone know that one?
I saw it circa 1974, so it
was probably made around 1962.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Butterflies aren't free, they're overpriced.
Date: Thu, 08 Dec 2005 22:56:23 -0500
While I was waiting in the checkout line of a local supermarket, I saw
a stack of alarm clocks for sale. They can in four varieties and each
was supposed to wake you up with a different realistic animal noise,
because everyone wants to be woken up by a pig oinking in their ear.
I tried the button on the back of the pig clock, and it did indeed make
an obnoxious pig-snort noise.
One of the other three had a purple butterfly as its mascot. I pushed
the button and it turns out that butterflies make the sound of two
balloons being rubbed together really hard.
I hereby claim the Nobel Prize for discovering that butterflies make
a loud, annoying noise that sounds like the Michelin Man trying to
pull up a tiny Speedo.
-- K.
Still, it's better than the Meow Mix clock.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Instant Review: Sarah Cherlin
Date: Fri, 09 Dec 2005 14:02:44 -0500
I have no idea why this thread started, but it seems highly relevant
so I must jump in here.
John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote:
>
> barbara@bookpro.com wrote:
> >
> > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote:
> > >
> > > BEST COMPLIANCE TESTER EVAR!!
> >
> > So what did she get you to comply with?
>
> Compliance testers don't get anyone to comply with anything.
>
> They just say "Nope, wrong" when you fail to comply.
>
> That, and construct batteries of savage tests to give them plenty
> of opportunities to say "Nope, wrong".
>
> And the really good ones dress all in black.
The best ones sometimes wear black with orange flames.
Or a black hockey jersey with red and sparkly gold trim.
Also, "Nope, wrong" is not on the official list of phrases scientifically
approved by Stanley Milgram. You need to say something completely
heartless and scientific, such as "The answer was incorrect.
Wrong-thinking is punishable." Wait, that last sentence wasn't
Stanley Milgram, it was Gene Roddenberry. Same difference, though,
just depending on whether you have a little squeeze bulb in your
pocket to make the giant veins on your head throb.
Holy cow, there's thunder and lightning outside -- while it's snowing!
The weather's so weird I'm going to bail on this article and go out
and enjoy it. So you people need to figure out the rest of how to
be firm with each other all by yourselves. Have fun!
-- K.
I bet Milgram watched
reruns of "The Prisoner"
and laughed and laughed...
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Dick Van Patten Eats Dog Food, Repeat, Dick Van Patten Eats Dog Food
Date: Sat, 10 Dec 2005 15:33:30 -0500
CNN brings the world this article-style press release, with an
important headline:
[www.cnn.com]
=>
=> Dick Van Patten eats dog food
And how is that news? Lots of former sitcom stars eat dog food.
Except for the unsuccessful ones, who only get to eat lead paint
chips and, as an Easter treat, a dust bunny.
=> Actor lends name to dog food formula
=>
=> Friday, December 2, 2005; Posted: 7:04 p.m. EST (00:04 GMT)
=>
=> LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- For "Eight Is Enough" patriarch
=> Dick Van Patten, some dog food is good enough to eat.
=>
=> Van Patten is lending his name and likeness to a new dog food
=> formula that claims to be indistinguishable from a home-cooked
=> meal for humans.
Yeah, right. Even canned food intended for humans can't pass as
actual home-cooked food. Ever tried Dinty Moore canned stew?
Poverty-brand heart-based canned chili?
The rubbery little globs of gray "chicken" in Campbell's soup?
SpaghettiOs?
Generic imitation SpaghettiOs?
Cookie Crunch?
Since CNN's photo credit said "LA Daily News", I was able to track
down the master copy of the article about Dick Van Patten stuffing
dog's dinner into his gum-bubble-like face:
[www.dailynews.com]
->
-> Spoons are optional
->
-> As for Dick Van Patten, what the dog ate is enough
->
-> By Brent Hopkins, Staff Writer
->
-> PACOIMA -- Dick Van Patten, nattily dressed in a striped white shirt
-> and pink tie, smiles and looks into the deep brown eyes of his
-> dining companion.
->
-> There's a savory aroma hanging heavily in the air, and the two are
-> clearly hungry. The actor spoons up a mouthful of Irish stew,
-> inhaling the scent with a grin before tucking it away.
Secret recipe for Irish stew:
1 can generic dog food
shot of booze
Mix well.
-> "Mmmm ... not too bad," he pronounces, then offers a bite to his
-> dinner mate.
Now that's just plain rude, forbidding the dog to eat before Dick picked
out all the best wads of meat-like by-product.
-> Sonny sucks the spoon clean, then sticks his snout deep into the
-> bowl. Slurping, chomping and sharp-toothed mastication ensues.
->
-> Van Patten's "date" is a greyhound mix, their "restaurant" a
-> nondescript warehouse conference room.
...and Van Patten's "happy ending" is... oh, never mind.
-> In a strange reversal of the usual dog-eats-man's-leftovers,
-> man is dining on canine cuisine.
->
-> [...]
->
-> "The normal beef stew you'd get off the shelf doesn't have the
-> minerals, so it's not healthy enough for a dog," said Joey Herrick,
-> Natural Balance's president. "Everyone feeds their dogs table
-> scraps, which isn't the best thing for them. The vitamins and
-> minerals aren't well-balanced."
->
-> To get the balance between the human taste and the dog
-> requirements, Herrick began with regular recipes and experimented
-> adding phosphates and calcium to tailor it for canine consumption.
-> It doesn't taste any different from what you might enjoy for dinner
-> or your dog might pick out of your trash can, but it has none of
-> the small bones to choke them, no rich ingredients to upset their
-> stomachs and no preservatives.
Well, depending on how you define "small" bones. This is, after all,
canned stew plus "phosphates and calcium", i.e. bone meal.
It's just Dinty Moore swill with extra ground-up skulls.
-> [...]
->
-> Though marketed with pets in mind, Herrick keeps cans on hand at
-> home in case of an earthquake. When the big one comes, he'll be
-> supping on the same stuff as his 19-year-old poodle mix, Mingo.
Hey, there are four extra words in that sentence, right after "on".
-> If it proves successful, Natural Balance plans to expand the line
-> to a multitude of new flavors and perhaps get into cat food.
-> Herrick predicts it will become a significant part of the company's
-> business, an impressive feat for an enterprise that already enjoys
-> more than 60 percent annual revenue growth.
->
-> "The food's the same as we eat, but it's got the science behind
-> it," said Greg Kay, who gave up a career as a heart surgeon to
-> become a partial owner of the company. "It's pretty good stuff,
-> better than the Dinty Moore I used to eat in college, I can tell
-> you that."
You know, people who _like_ Dinty Moore canned stew goo aren't the
people we should be trusting to tell us what tastes good.
"Wow! This tastes even better than the shit I usually eat! It's
just like Dinty Diarrhea, but more so!"
-- K.
Short shameful confession:
I actually sort of like
Trader Joe's canned beef
stew, which comes out of the
same factory as Dinty Moore's
but is brown and putty-like
instead of floating in a
translucent yellowish oil.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Dick Van Patten Eats Dog Food, Repeat, Dick Van Patten Eats Dog Food
Date: Sat, 10 Dec 2005 22:35:49 -0500
Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote:
>
> [www.dailynews.com]
> ->
> -> As for Dick Van Patten, what the dog ate is enough
>
> You only get one of those a year.
Are you saying that if, tomorrow, Dick Van Patten eats an entire sandbox,
you would forbid the low-end newspapers of the world from covering it?
I say that if Dick Van Patten eats a sandbox we _must_ allow the
Independent News Service to send Carl Kolchak to write some deliciously
purple prose about it.
Because, sometimes, it's worth reading a pun just to learn that
Dick Van Patten has pica.
-- K.
So why couldn't Pac-Man
just eat the walls of the
maze? Is that another
one of your rules?
"Only one pun per year
and don't eat the
delicious blue neon walls"?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Dick Van Patten Eats Dog Food, Repeat, Dick Van Patten Eats Dog Food
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 04:49:24 -0500
Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Because, sometimes, it's worth reading a pun just to learn that
> > Dick Van Patten has pica.
>
> If you label him, you negate him.
Watch out! Mysterious noises are escaping from the BBC Radiophonic Workshop!
ZEEM-ZEEM-ZEEM-ZEEM-ZEEM-ZEEM-ZEEM-ZOWM-ZOWM-ZOWM-ZOWM-ZOWM-ZEEM-ZEEM-ZEEM-ZEEM
Run! It's the anti-Dick Van Patten! Don't let Dick Minus Patten touch
Dick Positive Patten or the Universe will explode!
Whew, that was close. Good thing one of the Dick Pattens was distracted
by that bowl of doggie dinner.
Thank god it's finally over. It's all over. It's alllllll overrrrrrr...
OH NO!!!
THEY'RE ON A COLLISION COURSE --
THE BBC RADIOPHONIC WORKSHOP AND THE CHILDREN'S TELEVISION WORKSHOP!!!
ZUH-
-EEM.
ZUH-
-EEM.
ZUH-
-EEM.
ZUH-
-EEM.
ZUH-
-EEM.
ZEEM-ZEEM-ZEEM-ZEEM-ZEEM-ZEEM-ZOWM-ZOWM-ZOWM-ZOWM-ZOWM
Quick, our only hope is to negate both the BBC Radiophonic Workshop
and the Children's Television Workshop by combining them into something
too tedious to exist!
(SWIRLING LSD-INSPIRED COLORS)
THE ELECTRIC DOCTOR WHO COMPANY:
"FOR LOVE OF CHAIR"
BY TERRY NATION
PART 97 OF 100000
"The Doctor is sitting."
"The Doctor is still sitting."
"The Doctor is still sitting."
AUGH I can't take it any more DICK VAN PATTEN PLEASE POKE MY EYES OUT!
"Sorry, Kibo, I'm too busy eating this delicious dog food to appear
in your sick fantasy about bad television."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I just became a character in my own fantasy, which means
I'm not real, which means Dick Van Anti-Kibo is now more real than me!
Quick, Spot, save my work of important fiction!"
"Arf! Arf!"
(JACK BLACK, dressed as a hairy, filthy biker covered in road rash, enters,
and drop-kicks Spot from a bridge. Then he and DICK VAN ANTI-KIBO live
happily forever after, because this just turned into THE NEVERENDING STORY III,
except with Joe Bay exploding.)
> --
> Dr. Joe
> "Dog food can only be understood backwards, but must be
> eaten forwards"
And then you exploded! THE END.
-- K.
Now THAT'S good ontology!
Unlike Merriam-Webster's online
dictionary, which defines it
incorrectly. Theory about
"the kinds of existents", my
ass. If the people who wrote
the dictionary could spell,
they would have said it's
concerned with the kinds of
non-existents. Especially
kinds of Imaginary Van Pattens.
OH NO! AN IMAGINARY KIND OF
VAN PATTEN JUST COLLIDED WITH
A KIND OF IMAGINARY VAN PATTEN!
ONTOLOGY DIED!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Dick Van Patten Eats Dog Food, Repeat, Dick Van Patten Eats Dog Food
Date: Sun, 11 Dec 2005 14:11:17 -0500
David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Because, sometimes, it's worth reading a pun just to learn that
> > Dick Van Patten has pica.
>
> "Pica chew! I choose YOU!"
This reminds me. Why haven't they released "TV Funhouse" on DVD?
It's time that more kids learned how to smoke, dammit.
> Dave "back in the box for another virtual year, sigh" DeLaney
Aren't you a little big to be a ventriloquist dummy?
-- K.
Besides, Seth Goldin's still
using the box.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Dick Van Patten Eats Dog Food, Repeat, Dick Van Patten Eats Dog Food
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 04:29:09 -0500
Chris Lansdell (chris.lansdell@nl.HAWHAWSPAMTRAP.rogers.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > Dave "back in the box for another virtual year, sigh" DeLaney
> >
> > Aren't you a little big to be a ventriloquist dummy?
>
> I think he just called you a dummy. And a ventriloquist, which is like,
> worse.
Hey, Clans, I've got a great idea for another new wrestling persona
for you, assuming Dave will play along and let you draw those two
lines near the corners of his mouth.
Also, "persona" is a feminine Latin noun, so I may have just accidentally
called you a girl. This is because in ancient Rome, all pro wrestlers
were girls. Until Hero of Alexandria invented the first ventriloquist
dummy that could wrestle them. And that dummy! was! history's first
known Andy Kaufman! Believe it! Or! Not!
> > Besides, Seth Goldin's still using the box.
>
> Silly Kibo. Seth Goldin IS the box.
His mime act frightens and confuses me as it challenges me to confront
noetic paradigms of ontology.
By the way, what does "ontology" mean?
-- K.
Is it compatible with my E-meter?
(It's powered by a vat of boiling
mercury, because when Hero of
Alexandria invented it they didn't
yet have magic, just mercury.)
P.S.: NO, I WILL NOT BUY A ROOMBA!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Dick Van Patten Eats Dog Food, Repeat, Dick Van Patten Eats Dog Food
Date: Mon, 12 Dec 2005 02:46:39 -0500
David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > This reminds me. Why haven't they released "TV Funhouse" on DVD?
> > It's time that more kids learned how to smoke, dammit.
>
> I donut know. I would buy the complete Peewee's Playhouse on DVD though, I
> believe. (Perhaps I am fortunate to live in a cybercountry where one is not
> persecuted for one's beliefs, only mocked and laughed at?)
Well, you can buy the complete "Pee-wee's Playhouse" on DVD at your
local store (in two volumes, with the holiday special sold separately)
but I didn't because when it was first announced, the original press
release claimed that there would later be a special edition with
Pee-wee's commentary on all the episodes (presumably consisting of
twenty hours of "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!")
but that was supposed to be released sometime in 2005 and it hasn't
even been announced for pre-ordering yet so it may not actually exist
because they're waiting for me to buy the regular edition so that
they can then rush out with the good edition the day after I waste
my money on a non-special edition.
They did just announce that "The Pee-wee Herman Show" (the HBO special)
will be on DVD in the spring, so at last we'll be able to buy a DVD
with Phil Hartman singing the sailor hygiene song.
> > Aren't you a little big to be a ventriloquist dummy?
>
> Oh come now. Have you not learnt yet that they're NEVER too big?
HEY LOOK IT'S BILLY BALONEY! SAY SOMETHING, BILLY BALONEY!
"HI PEE-WEE, I'M BILLY BALONEY! NOW I'M GOING TO SAY TODAY'S
SECRET WORD, 'BUTT'!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! YOU SAID THE
SECRET WORD, BILLY BALONEY! SCREAM REAL LOUD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
THAT WAS GOOD SCREAMING, BILLY BALONEY! OKAY, ENOUGH SCREAMING!
LET'S LEARN ABOUT SHARING! "BUT PEE-WEE, I DON'T LIKE SHARING!"
BILLY BALONEY, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU! YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SHARE
EVERYTHING! AFTER ALL, I LET YOU USE MY TOOTHBRUSH! BY THE
WAY, I CAN'T FIND MY TOOTHBRUSH NOW, WHERE DID YOU PUT MY
TOOTHBRUSH, BILLY BALONEY? "I PUT IT IN MY... BUTT!" AAAAAAAAAAA!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I SURE HOPE THAT WAS A FUNNY JOKE, BILLY BALONEY, AND NOT A
SAD CRY FOR HELP! OKAY, NOW IT'S SNACK TIME! SO YOU HAVE TO
GO BACK IN YOUR BOX NOW, BILLY BALONEY! LA LA LA LA LA!
See, you don't need to buy those DVDs. Just buy me a plane
ticket and I'll come over and entertain you. Also buy me a
Billy Baloney ventriloquist dummy because that would look
weird if I did it with with my hand with lips drawn on it
like Se–or Wences.
> > Besides, Seth Goldin's still
> > using the box.
>
> Dave "oh okay; taking turns and being polite is Important" DeLaney
BUT DAVE-O, IF EVERYONE TOOK TURNS, IT WOULD TAKE FOREVER FOR THE
WHOLE COUNTRY TO VOTE! SOMETIMES EVERYONE SHOULD PUSH INTO THE
POLLING PLACE AT THE SAME TIME OR NOTHING WILL EVER GET DONE AND
THE WHOLE COUNTRY WILL JUST SIT ON ITS BUTT! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
-- K.
I could do this all day.
Pay me five hundred dollars
and I'll stop.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Kibo's Death Ray Update
Date: Sat, 10 Dec 2005 17:18:30 -0500
As part of an experiment, I deliberately misspelled Richard Pryor's name
five days ago:
> Sorry, Chris Rock beat you to it. Regarding steroids in sports, he
> said something along the lines of "If there were drugs that could make
> me as funny as Richard Pyror I'd take 'em -- Richard took 'em!"
...and now he's dead.
This proves that Kibo's Death Ray works even when misspelled.
Sorry, Richard.
So, misspelling causes a five-day lag. Don't make vacation plans, Adny Runny!
If misspellings didn't count, Richard Pryor would have died sooner,
on October 17, because of this article of mine:
> Make that idea about 59 minutes longer and you'll have the premiere
> episode of "The Richard Pryor Show". All you have to do it make
> Richard Pryor be not funny, then put him in a "Star Wars" gay bar,
> and you've re-created that entire show. Assuming it actually existed
> and wasn't just a nightmare I had after drinking an entire bottle of
> bleach to become too white to appreciate the subtle humor of that show.
>
> I miss the days when Richard Pyror was funny, before he started
> appearing on TV and in movies.
...but one way or the other, it would've been my fault, because I was
the most recent person to mention either Richard Pryor or Richard Pyror.
(Otto Bahn also mentioned him on October 17, but that was a followup
to my article, therefore I get the credit as the instigator.)
Also note that my October 17 article contains both spellings, because
if I'm the one who mentions him most often it becomes not a misspelling
if I do it over and over. So: Pyror Pyror Pyror. His name's damn
hard to type when it's not spelled that way.
If Richard Pryor he had changed his name to "Pyror", that would make him
sound like a superhero who ran around setting things other than himself
on fire. There would be a Pyror comic book published by the manufacturer
of Pyrex -- it couldn't be any worse than "Nomextra And Kevlor", where
Marvel's Pyro is defeated by DuPont materials. I think Pyror could
kick Pyro's flaming hemorrhoids without needing to make _two_ product
placements.
-- K.
And if you want to see
Richard Pryor's corpse,
it's propped up in the
background of one scene
of "Mad Dog Time", a movie
made by people who saw
some Tarantino movies
but thought they'd be
better if there was just
one scene repeated over
and over and over.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: seasonal
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 05:48:22 -0500
Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote:
>
> I want to be a clinical psychologist when I grow up. It's so
> frustrating being limited in how I can mess with young minds.
But it was so much easier to borrow babies back in John Watson's day.
The other problem you'll run into is that it turns out the Dyson Instrument
Company of Waltham, Massachusetts does not actually exist, so you'll have
to hire some other company, like Apple, to build a new version of the
Shock Generator Type ZLB, and Apple's would be a tiny white caplet with
only one button on it, and it wouldn't give shocks, it would just display
a little spinning beach ball at random times. So you can't be Stanley
Milgram because of Steve Jobs.
And I don't think you have an evil enough goatee to be Philip Zimbardo.
You probably don't even have a Google listing a compelling as his:
-> The Homepage of Professor Philip G. Zimbardo
-> Prisons, time, shyness, madness, violence and evil, persuasion,
-> dissonance, hypnosis, teaching (Stanford U., USA)
-> www.zimbardo.com/ - 2k - Cached - SimilarÊpages
Now, of course, I'm confusing clinical psychologists with research
psychologists and one dork who wears a black turtleneck shirt with
blue jeans 365 days a year, even when he's cursing out the computers
he's supposed to be demonstrating at trade shows. But this in no
way invalidates my hypothesis that you should train pigeons to drop
bombs on people you don't like and keep your daughters in Skinner boxes.
They'll thank you when you let them out when they're thirty.
Also get a dog who drools constantly just so the Russians will be
unable to brainwash him. Oh, and let's work John Nash into this
somehow just because everyone loves Russell Crowe except for the
people who don't. I refuse to be in either camp because I don't
know who he is. Unless he's the same person as Anson "Potsie" Williams,
since I know who he is. Anyway, on your quest to become a famous
psychologist, don't be a Potsie.
-- K.
If "Happy Days" had gone on
another few years, Potsie would
have gotten that psychology
degree we saw him studying for,
and then maybe eventually he
would have become Doctor Potsie!
"Help me, Doctor Potsie! I feel
like events are repeating themselves!"
"Ayyy, sit on it! I found my thrill!
Wa-wa-wa! Yeah... yeah... yeah...
Shazbot! I still got it! Ayyy,
sit on it! Ayyy, sit on it!"
"Help me, Doctor Potsie! I feel
like events are repeating themselves!"
(REPEAT FOR SIX MORE SEASONS)
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: seasonal
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 03:15:44 -0500
Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote:
>
> Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote:
> >
> > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote:
> > >
> > > I want to be a clinical psychologist when I grow up. It's so
> > > frustrating being limited in how I can mess with young minds.
> >
> > If you achieve this goal, does this mean you'll be clinically
> > psychotic?
>
> When I got to the interview phase of the graduate programs admission,
> the guy I interviewed with started by saying, "This is where we make
> sure you aren't crazy." My response was, "Well, of course I'm crazy,
> but it's part of my charm."
I heard that if you take a palindromic number of Tylenol in your
lifetime you're legally insane. So if you've taken 191 Tylenols
so far you better take another one before you die unless you want
your tombstone to say "DIED WHILE INSANE". 'Cause that's the
difference between being regular insane and legally insane -- to
make it legal they put it on your tombstone. Just be careful
not to take too many more Tylenol or you might get up to 202
and then you'll have to take another one, even if you don't have
a headache.
Also, if you do drugs with one-letter names, like E and H and K,
once you've accumulated enough to spell out a whole word, it pops
out, like, if you spell "ELEPHANT", you give birth to an elephant,
so try to take the drugs that spell "MONEY". You can score some
M from Ronald McDonald, O from Oprah, and Y from the Mouse.
But the N, you gotta get that from the man in the tan van.
...hey, I just realized "Sesame Street" was all about drugs.
Except when the spastic chef with the pies kept falling down
the stairs that didn't go anywhere. That segment was about cancer.
PIE CANCER.
So, Paula, do I know a lot about things and stuff, or what?
-- K.
I demand complete creative
control of "Sesame Street"
so I can eliminate all the
drug references and put
in more Muppet cancer.
"But Gordon, Snuffy's got
a malignant tumor!"
"Now, Big Bird, we all know
that Snuffy's not real,
so we won't call the doctor."
"But he IS real and he DOES
have cancer! You non-
Muppets are mean!"
"Yeah, but at least we
don't have cancer."
(WACKY MUSIC STING BECAUSE
THAT WAS FUNNY. CUT TO
PSYCHEDELIC PINBALL MACHINE
COUNTING TO 2 FOR THE
MILLIONTH TIME, THEN CUT TO
THE COUNT COUNTING TO
ONE MILLION TWICE. THEN
ELMO TURNS UP AND RUINS
THE SHOW FOREVER.)
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: seasonal
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 11:33:29 -0500
This morning, I wrote:
>
> I demand complete creative control of "Sesame Street"
> so I can eliminate all the drug references and put
> in more Muppet cancer.
>
> "But Gordon, Snuffy's got a malignant tumor!"
>
> "Now, Big Bird, we all know that Snuffy's not real,
> so we won't call the doctor."
That was fast:
[www.boston.com]
->
-> State police make arrest in killing of jogger
->
-> WOODSTOCK, Conn. -- A 36-year-old man was charged with kidnapping
-> Tuesday night in connection with the death of a woman whose body
-> was found on property owned by the performer who plays Big Bird on
-> the children's television show "Sesame Street," state police said.
->
-> Caroll Spinney, who also plays Oscar the Grouch on the show, had
-> nothing to do with the woman's death, said Sgt. J. Paul Vance, a
-> state police spokesman.
I called for the radical overthrow of "Sesame Street" at 3:15 am.
news.google.com lists the Boston Globe article as being from "8 hours ago"
which means 3:33 am. That's only a eighteen-minute lag in executing
my implied request for random people to be killed and dumped on
Big Bird's lawn.
Whoops, now that I said that, I gotta finish writing this
right this minute.
-- K.
La la la la I'm done.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.mega-ego.yonderboy
Subject: Re: I would like to register a complaint!
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 05:57:21 -0500
Alex Suter (asuter@xenon.Stanford.EDU) wrote:
>
> Chris Lansdell (chris.lansdell@nl.HAWHAWSPAMTRAP.rogers.com) wrote:
> >
> > Phnom Penh (REUTERS) Qantas stewardesses were detained here on
> > Friday after attacking me in the departure lounge, tying me down
> > and eating seaweed lollipops (a felony here) whilst periodically
> > biting chunks out of my ass. Movie at 11.
>
> Biting? No, no, no. They're doing it all wrong.
There's no wrong way to bite an ass.
Unless it's Roger Ebert's.
> Were they typing it all with just one hand? Was Dvorak
> there smirking with a smug sense of superiority?
>
> Do you think Dvorak and Mavis Beacon are secretly
> dating? Star cross'd lovers? Do you think, late at
> night, when Dvorak gets it just slightly wrong, she
> beeps loudly at him?
>
> A tender caress, just two centimeters too low.
>
> BEEP!
>
> Freakin' Mavis Beacon. You put the touch into my
> touch typing, but why must you be so particular?
Why don't you just date Ottmar Mergenthaler? Then you could learn
to type "etaoinshrdlu" entirely with your left pinky, if the molten
lead hasn't burned away your entire hand.
> --
> Alex Suter
> asuter@cs.stanford.edu
> Love/Hate the Mavis
She's mumber two, but she tries marder.
So be careful -- you, too, could be sentenced to prison if she catches
you doing standup comedy with two microphones at the same time, or
one ventriloquist dummy.
-- K.
And speaking of Jeff Marder...
Segues are for meeeeeeeee!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Questions (and answers) about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer TV show
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 06:00:16 -0500
Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote:
>
> Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote:
> >
> > I can't even begin to imagin the amount of drugs it must have taken to
> > write that article, or to repost it.
I have no idea what you're talking about, because that article wasn't by me,
but I assure you, anyone can write anything without needing any drugs as
long as they're me. Also, electric nudibranches carve negative mountains
inside gossamer zoetropes.
> > And it was so boring that I died and am coming back to haunt you.
>
> Why has ARK become so mean-spirited?
Okay, maybe _you_ need drugs.
-- K.
PANTYHOSE PANTYHOSE!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: In the pouring rain...
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 06:15:35 -0500
Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote:
>
> Saturday night I was in a dining room with four tipsy women
> talking about firemen. Very strange...I did not know what,
> um, sex appeal these dudes carried with teh wimmins.
Dear Scott Thompson,
Try Gleemonex today!
> Three of them were, oh, use your imagination.
The first time I read that, my brain saw
Three of them were, oh, using your imagination.
...and I was tempted to run off to the horizon screaming "AUGH!
THREE PEOPLE ARE USING MY IMAGINATION AND NONE OF THEM ARE ME!
I HATE THAT I HAVE NO IMAGINATION OF MY OWN!" and then fall
into a vat of electric owls.
> One told a story about how her son got a bottle stuck on his
> finger, and how disappointed she was when he freed his finger
> from the bottle on the way to, you guessed it, the fire station.
> Apparently going to the fire station for such a problem is the
> obvious thing to do. Wild stuff. I did not know that.
That would be funnier if you mentioned that it was a Dr. Pepper
bottle because, according to Gene Rayburn, a specific is always
funnier than a generic. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go
to the drugstore to trade this balsam specific for a generic.
> Two of them told of quite cherished stories about getting to
> visit fire stations and sliding down the fire pole in all its
> glorious fnarrability.
And that day the Batcave caught fire and all the firemen in their
black rubber coats had to slide down the Batpole? And Robin burned
down? And Catwoman put out the fire with her whip? That was the
best Christmas special ever.
> For middle-aged women, they were all rather hot. I inquired
> about how to volunteer to be a fireman, but they were far too
> enrapt to get the joke and instead pointed out that Durham's
> firefighters were all paid, trained firemen. Hey, I live in
> Orange County...
Have you considered driving up to the Hollywood area so that
you can hang out in front of the fire station on Rampart street
so you can watch Gage and DeSoto jumping out of their beds
directly into their turnout gear? I don't think they had a
pole, though. Jack Webb would never have approved of that
because of, you know, him being a robot and stuff.
> Somehow the conversation wandered to some run/march in San
> Francisco where a few of the men went nekkid -- nekkid being
> the dirty version of naked, as if I didn't know that. And
> there is some fire truck with five firemen wearing nothing
> under their coats (and a nekkid woman on top of the truck).
> That really had them going.
Wait... San Francisco firemen normally wear something under
their rubber coats? Hang on, I have to cancel some plans...
> [...] On a more personal level I noticed how differently
> I behave around a group comprised of only men, vs. women.
"That's odd, in these circumstances I'm not shouting 'I HAVE A PENIS!'
so loudly. Well, that's enough thinking about what it means to be
a man, I better start watching the hockey game on that TV that's
bolted to the ceiling above the urine stain."
-- K.
I HAVE A PENIS!
THAT'S WHAT JUSTIFIES MY
TOURETTE'S!
PENIS PENIS PENIS!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: In the pouring rain...
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 14:25:06 -0500
Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > That would be funnier if you mentioned that it was a Dr. Pepper
> > bottle because, according to Gene Rayburn, a specific is always
> > funnier than a generic.
>
> Well then, here's a tip if you are ever in a tight situation
> in a bar.
But unless you can offer a specific tip for a specific situation
in a specific bar, it's not funny. Like "Why did the chicken cross
the road?" isn't funny. "Why did the chicken named Fred cross
Wilshire Boulevard and fall into the La Brea Tar Pits while
wearing lime green socks he just bought at Sears?" is funny.
Unless you follow it by a punchline. Punchlines are never funny.
Sheesh, you people aren't any good at this game show. Can we just
advance to the lightning round, the gunge round, or the gunge
lightning round? 'Cause electrified gunge is the best kind.
"Halfway between SPLAT and ZAP lies the sound of comedy -- SPLAZAP!!!
Tune in tonight for Electric Gunge, only on The Game Show Re-Run Channel!
And now, that same damn commercial we've already showed 58,000 times today.
We will not stop until you buy a Chia Pet."
> Take a half empty bottle of Budweiser, because it is the most
> over-rated beer in America, and grasp it firmly around the neck
> with your weak hand. Hold it in front of you, with the opening
> tilted toward you and the bottom pointed at the Neandertal's feet.
> Now strike the top/opening sharply with the open palm of the
> strong hand. Use the firm part, near the wrist.
Stop using the modern spelling of "Neandertal". Neanderthals lived
back in the day when there was an "h" in "Neanderthal", and they
resist change, especially when it comes to spelling. Some of them
are still spelling "flash mob" in cuneiform.
I am happy that I am at least twelve evolutionary stages past Neanderthal.
Unlike Gene Rayburn, who was a Neanderthal on a revolving stage next
to more highly-evolved beings such as Brett Somers.
Someday I plan to transcend the limits of physical instrumentality
and become a god-like being of pure energy. Either that or a policeman.
Policemen get to shoot people all day! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY violence
wait the ice cream truck's here so everyone stop talking until I get back.
> You don't have to hit so hard it hurts, but give it a good smack
> and you just knocked the bottom off of the bottle. The Neandertal
> has glass and beer on his shoes, and you have a jagged knife-
> like weapon in your hand.
Or you could just do like any good American and buy a knife.
The question here is, is half-empty really the optimal amount of
headspace inside the bottle to create the perfect compressive shockwave
inside your all-glass Wham-O Air Blaster? Or would it work better
if you added some more beer so it was half-full?
Also, does this still work if the other person is smart enough to
understand that he's also holding a beer bottle and you've just
demonstrated how to create parity? M.A.D. is not a deterrent to
drunks -- you're thinking of M.A.D.D. They believe in the concept
of winnable nuclear war, as long as you're not drunk when you push
the button because addicts never win. Kids, don't drink and nuke.
-- K.
YAYYYYYYYYYYYY Armageddon
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Xmas requests - serious
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 14:14:45 -0500
madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote:
> >
> > OK, I am not Made of Money and I feel still on the bubble in this new
> > job, but that being said, anyone who sends a request and an smail
> > address will get on my gift list.
>
> Inflatable LIFE SIZE model of the Universe. M'thanks.
I already have one of those. But I'd like an upgrade to the vibrating
model with real hair.
Also, is it too much to ask that the Universe actually look like the
picture on the box it comes in?
-- K.
Things would be so much
better if the Universe
were made in America.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Goosies in Xmas bondage
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 15:17:48 -0500
[www.brandrepublic.com]
->
-> Shocking anti foie gras advertising campaign is banned
-> by Staff Brand Republic 13 Dec 2005
->
-> Gaia: banned anti-foie gras ad
->
-> LONDON -- An animal rights campaign against foie gras, which
-> highlights the treatment suffered by geese and ducks whose livers
-> are used to make the delicacy, has been banned in Belgium.
->
-> The outdoor ad campaign, created by Duval Guillaume Brussels
-> for animal rights activist group Gaia, had been due to run at
-> more than 40 railway stations in Belgium in the run-up to
-> Christmas when foie gras -- literally "fatty liver" --
-> is still very popular.
Not around here, it ain't. Tastes like dog food, except it costs
even more than Dick Van Patten's holistically balanced dog food system.
The Prudential Star market used to carry a chicken pate' -- not
made from livers, but from actual chicken meat -- that I liked,
but it disappeared a long time ago. And I'm scared that if I
try making my own I'll accidentally make Vienna sausage.
(For those of you who don't live in the U.S., "Vienna sausage"
means tiny pink squishy sausages that come in a little dog food can.
They're made from various non-food parts of an animal that used to
have the lungs of a cow, the spinal cord of a chicken, and the
rectum of a turkey, but now just lies on the ground all hollowed-out.
Vienna sausage is evil. Wiener schnitzel is good. There's no
controversy when you eat veal because everyone knows that veal
involves torture, so nobody feels they need to hassle you when
they see you eating delicious veal. Telling someone that veal
is made from torture is like telling a smoker "By the way, I KNOW
and YOU DON'T that cigarettes ARE BAD FOR YOU!" So don't eat foie gras
or Vienna sausage. Eat smoked veal and smoke vealed cigarettes.)
-> [...]
->
-> Two poster executions feature geese standing dressed in
-> sado-masochistic leather outfits, with one poster showing a goose
-> chained in a cellar with a spiked S&M or "gimp" outfit over its
-> head. The second has a goose chained again with a wooden ball
-> lodged in its mouth and chains around its neck.
->
-> The text on the ads reads "Foie gras, food for sadists".
A _wooden_ ball gag? That's not sadism, that's just just wrong.
Over on www.gaia.be (a site which is in your choice of French or
Dutch but not English despite that the organization's acronym
is in English -- pick a language, Belgium!) I found the two ads:
http://www.gaia.be/nl/nieuws/121205.html
(pictures mirrored at:)
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_foie_gras_gaia_1.jpg
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_foie_gras_gaia_2.jpg
If you load the last two links in succession and then repeatedly
twiddle your Web browser's "Forward" and "Back" buttons, you'll
see a happy dancing goose!
These pictures raise a couple of questions, if "a couple"
means "more than one".
1. Isn't the message they communicate "Look! Our animal-rights
organization is torturing geese so we can take kinky photos!"?
2. Or maybe "Force-feeding geese is wrong -- so we saved this
goose by plugging its mouth with this wooden ball!"?
3. Or "Our animal-rights group wants you to stop buying foie gras
but we sure do love leather! Buy lots of leather!"?
4. How do we know the goose didn't sign a slavery contract
of his own free will?
5. Where, exactly, do the two lower straps on the Y-harness go?
6. Do crazy Dutch-speaking sadists make their ball gags from
the same type of wood as their shoes?
7. When Steve Martin wrote "Cruel Shoes", was that where the
Dutch-speaking sadists got the idea for painful wooden shoes?
8. How do you know when a goose is calling safeword?
To keep this from turning into "Match Game '05", let me rephrase #8
in the form of a cartoon Gary Larson is about to draw:
"I told you 'honk' was a lousy safeword!"
The picture would be two geese being interrupted by Harpo Marx.
Then they mold a telephone out of foie gras and make him eat it.
-- K.
Does anybody know where the
hell that legend about Harpo
having to eat the telephone made
from -- you know -- came from?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Your Bathroom Kink is Not Okay
Date: Thu, 15 Dec 2005 20:03:13 -0500
shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote:
>
> on what planet is it considered okay to talk on your cell
> phone in a public restroom? i can't imagine that the person
> on the other end of the line really wants to listen to people
> using the bathroom, and, if they *do*, i don't really want to
> be party to their fetish.
There's a perfectly valid reason for wanting to talk on your
cell phone in the bathroom. It's in case you feel the need to
make the person on the other end listen to the sound of a
toilet being flushed from the inside when you yell "I FLUSH YOU
TO HELL, STAN!" and drop the little phone into Mr. Swirly.
Of course you don't want to do this at home because there's a
small chance the phone might clog Mr. Swirly, so always call
people you hate from the public restroom. Especially if you
also hate that public restroom.
As Brian Posehn might have said if he didn't want me to keep forgetting
his name, "I'm only using this restroom because I hate it!"
> i feel unclean, and not in the normal "i just used a public
> restroom" sort of way.
Hey, I survived the Seventh Avenue Wendy's men's room.
What are you, afraid of standing ankle-deep in other people's feces,
urine, vomit, pus, and cell phones?
By the way, I just gave Brian Posehn your phone number.
-- K.
HEWWO MR. SWIRLY!
HERE'S ANOTHER
PHONE FOR YOU!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: ...like a cross between Ichi the Killer and Fight Club
Date: Fri, 16 Dec 2005 15:16:19 -0500
pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote:
>
> I just saw American Psycho on DVD.
> I thought it was kind of
> like a cross between Ichi the Killer and Fight Club.
Don't make me laugh. "American Psycho" was an entertaining movie
(Christian Bale gave such a great performance) but for it to be
a combination of "Ichi the Killer" and "Fight Club" it would have
to kick your ass twice, force you to remodel your entire lifestyle
around accepting violence as your personal savior twice, and then
drown you in the bathtub twice. And no movie can do that because
no movie could be as good as "Ichi the Killer" and "Fight Club"
put together.
Perhaps you should set your sights a little lower -- look for a
movie that cross-matches Tadanobu Asano from "Party 7" with
Ed Norton from "American History X", or Sabu from "Unlucky Monkey"
with Brad Pitt from "Twelve Monkeys". Any of those mashups
would be a fine movie as good as "American Psycho", and would
then lead to the entire Internet demanding that the next "Batman"
movie must star Tadanobu Asano as Batman, directed by Sabu,
and then they'd be disappointed to find out that five minutes
into the movie Batman climbs out of the Batmobile and spends
the next eighty minutes running through alleys really fast.
For extra credit, figure out how to nail "Pulp Fiction" and "Brazil"
to "Battlefield Baseball" and "The Star Wars Holiday Special" then
test the results by showing them to laboratory rats who will get
brain damage but not demand their money back.
-- K.
Oh, and don't forget
"Baby Geniuses 2".
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Boston murder rate - Does Kibo have the Death Ray again?
Date: Sun, 18 Dec 2005 15:32:47 -0500
Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote:
>
> Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote:
> >
> > [news.yahoo.com]
> > ->
> > -> Murders Reach a 10-Year High in Boston
> > -> [...]
> > -> While the murder rate nationally has dropped over the past decade,
> > -> some cities - such as Boston and Philadelphia - are seeing it spike.
> >
> > Dang it Kibo, they're on to you! You should be leaving the Death Ray
> > at home when you party. Or at the very least, turn off the "Random
> > Fire" option.
>
> ah now, about that:
>
> / |
> |_| _ __ _
> | |_( |_____________ _____________|:::|__________________\_'_|___
> |` ||=====___________) |___________\___/______________________|(o)||
> \__|(o)| ||------------------------------------------------|||
> |__|___) || _______________________________ |||
> | || |_______________________________| ||)
> | ____ __||__()__) /________________________________|||
> | / ) ( /___ _/ / | RANDOM FIRE |||
> | | / \ /| |||*|`) | \ ||
> | | | | / | | | | / ||
> |_| | | `'. | .) | WACKY FIRE __||
> | | `'.___/___|_________________________/
> | | \\ \\ )| \ \
> |______| \\ // \ \
> |======| \\ _// \ \
> |======| \\ `` \ \
> |======| \\____________\ \
> |______| --------------\ \
> \ \
> \ \
> \ .'
> \ .'`
> (.'`
>
>
> you see the problem?
Pretend you're me, make a managerial decision. You find this
switch, what would you do?
As I see it, the problem is that the switch is pointing in both
directions at the same time, which violates the Pauli Exclusion
Principle, the Geneva Convention, and General Electric's patent
on those lightswitches that don't work but cause your basement
to make loud buzzing noises and catch fire.
Nice picture, but that's not my weapon of choice. Can you redraw it
to look more like a handful of Jarts dipped in habanero sauce?
Guns are for people who can't throw things very far.
And who can't shoot lightning out of their fingertips.
And who can't kill people by watching their old movies.
By the way, I heard that Mel Brooks and Ezio Greggio are making a
wacky parody of "Fight Club" officially titled "Fart Club". It's about
these two guys who take turns farting. Then they start a Fart Club.
Then they fart at the same time. Then they fart until the building
blows up. Then they fart. And Trey Parker and Matt Stone are making
a heavy-handed satire of "Fart Club" called "Mel Brooks And Ezio Greggio
Are Lesbians". And then I'd make a wacky parody of that where I shoot
lighting out of my fingertips because I'm Tadanobu Asano.
-- K.
Can you draw me an AR-10?
I'd like the black AR-10TBN
stock but the '50s-style
bayonet lug and three-prong
flash hider, please. Also
get some hippies to put
flowers in the muzzle because
I only want the rifle so
I can get free flowers.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Xmas shopping
Date: Sun, 18 Dec 2005 15:47:35 -0500
TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> Well, I went and did some chopping at a lo cal mall this
> afternoon, and managed to get a few last-minute things
> purchased. And while doing so, I was treated to the sight of...
> X-Antivirus: avast! (VPS 0550-4, 12/16/2005), Outbound message
> X-Antivirus-Status: Clean
The sight of your articles always being mangled by your antivirus
software? At first I thought it was the fault of my local news
server that your articles always come out with those wacky headers
after the first paragraph, and the blueberry topping in the middle,
but Google Groups has them that way too. So I think your computer
is avasting all over you behind your back. Check your VPS reports.
> A very fat man pushing a stroller. Wearing sweat pants.
Okay, now you're getting VPL mixed in with your VPS. Ewwwwwwww.
> Leaning over and talking to wee child as he did so. Oh so cute.
> BUT his pants were half-way down his ass, with more butt-crack
> than a plumber would be comfortable showing, showing. Hell,
> those pants were so low he might have been winking at the world -
> if my eyes were healed up more, I might have gone blind seeing
> that.
You're supposed to be looking at the baby, not the ass, you perve.
Even if he were just pushing an empty stroller, you'd still be
obligated by the unwritten Constitution of society to keep all
gaze above the waist. Nobody wants you to start looking below the
belt because then we'll have to start keeping our flies zipped.
> What is with people now a days, huh ? Can't they tell their ass
> is exposed by, at the least, the frigid blast of cold air that
> hits it as they ramble past open mall doors ? Or the horrified
> shrieks and thunking of bodies as shoppers keel over in agony at
> the sight ?
See, there's your problem. You're assuming that fat people
don't enjoy allowing you to look at their nudity. The truth is,
everyone enjoys allowing you to look at their big fat ass,
whether they have one or not.
And it's mean of you to be prejudiced against fat people. You should
be fair and complain about looking at everyone's asses.
> I wished, really wished, at that moment, that I had a firearm
> that shot large corks. So I could plug that butt. Or even some
> caulk, seal that crack right up. Instead, I ducked into the
> dollar store and bought some tinsel.
That only works if he's a cat.
They need to start selling digestible tinsel for homes that have cats.
It could come in delicious flavors cats would like even better!
That would like like owning a Roomba that ate all the tinsel off
the floor, and was a million times more intelligent.
-- K.
You should always carry
a cork with you. Cork
is funny, ha-ha!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Xmas shopping
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 01:35:57 -0500
TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> X-Antivirus: avast! (VPS 0550-4, 12/16/2005), Outbound message
> X-Antivirus-Status: Not-Tested
[large green square "movie computer" lettering slowly appears accompanied
by "bleepity-bleepity-bleepity-bleepity-bleepity-bleepity-BOOOOOOP":]
URGENT ALERT: THIS MESSAGE'S ANTIVIRUS STATUS IS . . . . . . . . . . :
*** N 0 T ***
*** T E S T E D ***
[the lettering begins blinking, accompanied by neon-sign buzzing noises
as it blinks]
"Not tested? What does that mean?"
"It means hang onto your nuts, because it's payback time, and this
time, it's alt dot personal!"
[Cut to moldy old billboard outside which says "bleepy computer lettering is
the slightly modernized version of the dopey old 'spinning newspaper' thing".
The billboard falls over and crushes several kitties.]
> [...]
>
> I told the damn thing to not add meesages to outbound news and
> mail - it randomly adds them anyhow. I have re-fiddled with it,
> hopefully it is fixed.
>
> It is the only damned thing Avast does that drives me buggy.
>
> Bet there is one in this post.
>
> Shit.
There's only one way to make your antivirus software stop complaining
it's not finding any viruses in your messages. Get off your butt and
put in some fucking viruses already. Your software wants to find
viruses, and you're not playing along.
I'll supply you with a pirated bootleg warez copy of the super-elite
Trojan Horse malware virus worm hacker steganography Web bug spyware
doomsday exploit that once caused an incredible ruckus among WebTV users:
CLICK HERE YOU IDIOT
I seem to recall someone actually went to jail for posting that to
alt.online-service.webtv. Fortunately, we now have real terrorists
to be afraid of so as a nation we no longer worry about people causing
minor nuisances to the four bozos who ever owned WebTVs, so there's
no chance of me getting in trouble for saying
CLICK HERE TOO YOU IDIOT
unless someone figures out a way to make it do
CLICK THIS YOU TWIT
-- K.
Fun fact: The Weather Channel's
Dave Schwartz has the dubious honor
of being the still picture displayed
continuously by the WebTV emulator
for at least six years.
What other famous weathermen have
been turned into still pictures
embedded in software emulators?
Does Stella have a well-hidden
picture of Lloyd Lindsay Young?
Is Al Kaprielian in my EDSAC?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: To Whome It May Concern....
Date: Sun, 18 Dec 2005 16:04:44 -0500
husamal_ahmadi@yahoo.com spamvertised:
>
> Hi EveryBody:
>
>
> For all the poeple who are intersting to protect them kids from all the
>
> sexuall based web sites they can use this new software.
>
>
> This software is magnifecant it has the ability to control more than 10
>
> billion web site.
>
>
> This software called Http watcher. It can control all web sites through
>
> the internet by entering just one word from the web site name. It does
> not depend in any kind of proxy. For example if you enter word yahoo to
>
> protect your kids from entering www.yahoo.com, If your kids or what
> ever try more proxies to enter to yahoo they will never and ever enter
> yahoo web site until you disactive the functulity of the http watcher
> or you delete yahoo from the program database.
Or just type "yahoo.com CNAME 127.0.0.1" into the hosts file.
You're welcome.
My method works just as well as yours, too, as you can only get
around it by 583 different methods, such as typing Yahoo's numeric
IP address.
An even better method is just to remove the "y" from the keboard.
> Also If you want to control all the web sites including word sex in its
>
> name all what you have to write is word sex.
And if you want to stop the kids from looking at pornographic pictures,
all you have to do is draw a picture!
So what do I have to do if I want to stop my kids from ever looking
at anything that can't decide whether or not it's double-spaced?
Please tell me because I am interested in being a parent who spends
no time with their kids but wants to control their lives constantly.
Using bad software is so much easier than just talking to kids about
acceptable and unacceptable behavior or moving the computer into the
living room or chaining the kid to the bed.
-- K.
It's a good thing these
programs never actually
work, or the kids would
start going to the public
library to look at porn
just like everyone else.
HI DON SAKLAD!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 02:49:26 -0500
I had let my maroon hair gradually fade to light orange over the past
month and a half, and in that time I had also bleached twice, so recently
I was a sort of orangish-blond (the bleach never gets out all the orange,
and the yellow really sticks, so I had lemon-yellow hair with orange
highlights.) So today I put some color back in.
Currently I am Special Effects Hi-Octane Orange, which is a rich fluorescent
red (like the color of your car's cigarette lighter. Actually, it's redder
than that. It's the color you see if you press the cigarette lighter
directly into your eye socket.) The red should fade through fluorescent
orange over the next two weeks. This is a shade which doesn't have a
Manic Panic equivalent (Special Effects Napalm Orange is similar to
Manic Panic Electric Lava, but Hi-Octane Orange is a different color) and
it wasn't my first choice, but I had a bottle lying around, and I figured
now was a good time to try it since I'm planning on doing something drastic
(such as recutting my hair into a Mohawk, or shaving it all off) around
New Year's for the hell of it. (It's getting long enough that it needs to
be cut, so I might as well butcher it in some way, it grows back fast enough.)
I don't really think I can do a successful Mohawk -- for one thing, I'm
old enough that I would probably look really stupid in a '70s punk cut,
and for another, it would have a bit of a gap in the middle -- but it's
something I should try as long as I'm expecting to have to cut my hair
anyway (winter's always a good time to shave your head, so you don't
get hat hair.) I figure if I do that experiment, at best I'll come
out looking like W. Morgan Sheppard and have to get a pink van with
a revolving globe that says "BIG TIME TV".
(That's how old I am, I remember both Max Headroom and real punk-rockers
during the '80s. Of course the real heyday of the punk look was in
England in the late '70s, but in my part of the USA it didn't really
surface until about 1982. My high school only had two punkers, one
with a really huge fluorescent yellow Mohawk. Those were the days,
back when it was possible to be the only weird-looking person in all
of upstate New York -- kids these days don't know how much bolder a
statement the old fogeys were able to make when they invented that
look in the 1970s. I mean, that was even before everyone had realized
that disco sucked!)
Hmm, you know, being mistaken for W. Morgan Sheppard wouldn't be such
a bad thing. I could tell people my name is "A Mad Animal" and nobody
would get it because, I mean, who was able to sit through that movie?
Or I could learn one of W.'s speeches from "Babylon 5". I forget how
those went, they were all something like "FEEL THE LIFE FORCE EBBING
AWAY... EBBING... EBBING... EBBING... EBBING... EBBING..." except better.
The only problem with having a Mohawk is that I wouldn't be able to
wear my Roman centurion helmet over it. We'll see if that causes any
social difficulties in the new year.
Anyway, you can probably guess that the real reason I'm telling you
about advance plans for doing something ridiculous with my hair next
month is that it'll keep me from chickening out (or just being too
lazy to do it.) At the moment I still have my usual "Paul Darrow
as Caligula" haircut, which looks fine, especially when I wear a
ski mask over it. But it is a wonderfully insane shade of nuclear
red which perfectly compliments the icy colorlessness of my eyes.
I never wear my red contact lenses. They just look too dopey, and
completely fake. Very poseurish, with a cartoony quality that doesn't
compare to the natural disturbingness of my own eyes. Fluorescent
red hair good, red contact lenses bad. Also, they're not my
prescription, and nobody likes to see a guy bumping into things
just so he can wear ridiculous contacts. I should sell them to some
Anne Rice fan or someone who needs to join the "Attempted Goth"
community. Hey, anybody want to buy some used contact lenses?
I swear I've only had them in my eyes when they're not in their
case, I've never cleaned them by spitting on them.