From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Boston murder rate - Does Kibo have the Death Ray again?
Date: Sun, 18 Dec 2005 15:32:47 -0500
Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote:
>
> Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote:
> >
> > [news.yahoo.com]
> > ->
> > -> Murders Reach a 10-Year High in Boston
> > -> [...]
> > -> While the murder rate nationally has dropped over the past decade,
> > -> some cities - such as Boston and Philadelphia - are seeing it spike.
> >
> > Dang it Kibo, they're on to you! You should be leaving the Death Ray
> > at home when you party. Or at the very least, turn off the "Random
> > Fire" option.
>
> ah now, about that:
>
> / |
> |_| _ __ _
> | |_( |_____________ _____________|:::|__________________\_'_|___
> |` ||=====___________) |___________\___/______________________|(o)||
> \__|(o)| ||------------------------------------------------|||
> |__|___) || _______________________________ |||
> | || |_______________________________| ||)
> | ____ __||__()__) /________________________________|||
> | / ) ( /___ _/ / | RANDOM FIRE |||
> | | / \ /| |||*|`) | \ ||
> | | | | / | | | | / ||
> |_| | | `'. | .) | WACKY FIRE __||
> | | `'.___/___|_________________________/
> | | \\ \\ )| \ \
> |______| \\ // \ \
> |======| \\ _// \ \
> |======| \\ `` \ \
> |======| \\____________\ \
> |______| --------------\ \
> \ \
> \ \
> \ .'
> \ .'`
> (.'`
>
>
> you see the problem?
Pretend you're me, make a managerial decision. You find this
switch, what would you do?
As I see it, the problem is that the switch is pointing in both
directions at the same time, which violates the Pauli Exclusion
Principle, the Geneva Convention, and General Electric's patent
on those lightswitches that don't work but cause your basement
to make loud buzzing noises and catch fire.
Nice picture, but that's not my weapon of choice. Can you redraw it
to look more like a handful of Jarts dipped in habanero sauce?
Guns are for people who can't throw things very far.
And who can't shoot lightning out of their fingertips.
And who can't kill people by watching their old movies.
By the way, I heard that Mel Brooks and Ezio Greggio are making a
wacky parody of "Fight Club" officially titled "Fart Club". It's about
these two guys who take turns farting. Then they start a Fart Club.
Then they fart at the same time. Then they fart until the building
blows up. Then they fart. And Trey Parker and Matt Stone are making
a heavy-handed satire of "Fart Club" called "Mel Brooks And Ezio Greggio
Are Lesbians". And then I'd make a wacky parody of that where I shoot
lighting out of my fingertips because I'm Tadanobu Asano.
-- K.
Can you draw me an AR-10?
I'd like the black AR-10TBN
stock but the '50s-style
bayonet lug and three-prong
flash hider, please. Also
get some hippies to put
flowers in the muzzle because
I only want the rifle so
I can get free flowers.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Xmas shopping
Date: Sun, 18 Dec 2005 15:47:35 -0500
TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> Well, I went and did some chopping at a lo cal mall this
> afternoon, and managed to get a few last-minute things
> purchased. And while doing so, I was treated to the sight of...
> X-Antivirus: avast! (VPS 0550-4, 12/16/2005), Outbound message
> X-Antivirus-Status: Clean
The sight of your articles always being mangled by your antivirus
software? At first I thought it was the fault of my local news
server that your articles always come out with those wacky headers
after the first paragraph, and the blueberry topping in the middle,
but Google Groups has them that way too. So I think your computer
is avasting all over you behind your back. Check your VPS reports.
> A very fat man pushing a stroller. Wearing sweat pants.
Okay, now you're getting VPL mixed in with your VPS. Ewwwwwwww.
> Leaning over and talking to wee child as he did so. Oh so cute.
> BUT his pants were half-way down his ass, with more butt-crack
> than a plumber would be comfortable showing, showing. Hell,
> those pants were so low he might have been winking at the world -
> if my eyes were healed up more, I might have gone blind seeing
> that.
You're supposed to be looking at the baby, not the ass, you perve.
Even if he were just pushing an empty stroller, you'd still be
obligated by the unwritten Constitution of society to keep all
gaze above the waist. Nobody wants you to start looking below the
belt because then we'll have to start keeping our flies zipped.
> What is with people now a days, huh ? Can't they tell their ass
> is exposed by, at the least, the frigid blast of cold air that
> hits it as they ramble past open mall doors ? Or the horrified
> shrieks and thunking of bodies as shoppers keel over in agony at
> the sight ?
See, there's your problem. You're assuming that fat people
don't enjoy allowing you to look at their nudity. The truth is,
everyone enjoys allowing you to look at their big fat ass,
whether they have one or not.
And it's mean of you to be prejudiced against fat people. You should
be fair and complain about looking at everyone's asses.
> I wished, really wished, at that moment, that I had a firearm
> that shot large corks. So I could plug that butt. Or even some
> caulk, seal that crack right up. Instead, I ducked into the
> dollar store and bought some tinsel.
That only works if he's a cat.
They need to start selling digestible tinsel for homes that have cats.
It could come in delicious flavors cats would like even better!
That would like like owning a Roomba that ate all the tinsel off
the floor, and was a million times more intelligent.
-- K.
You should always carry
a cork with you. Cork
is funny, ha-ha!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Xmas shopping
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 01:35:57 -0500
TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> X-Antivirus: avast! (VPS 0550-4, 12/16/2005), Outbound message
> X-Antivirus-Status: Not-Tested
[large green square "movie computer" lettering slowly appears accompanied
by "bleepity-bleepity-bleepity-bleepity-bleepity-bleepity-BOOOOOOP":]
URGENT ALERT: THIS MESSAGE'S ANTIVIRUS STATUS IS . . . . . . . . . . :
*** N 0 T ***
*** T E S T E D ***
[the lettering begins blinking, accompanied by neon-sign buzzing noises
as it blinks]
"Not tested? What does that mean?"
"It means hang onto your nuts, because it's payback time, and this
time, it's alt dot personal!"
[Cut to moldy old billboard outside which says "bleepy computer lettering is
the slightly modernized version of the dopey old 'spinning newspaper' thing".
The billboard falls over and crushes several kitties.]
> [...]
>
> I told the damn thing to not add meesages to outbound news and
> mail - it randomly adds them anyhow. I have re-fiddled with it,
> hopefully it is fixed.
>
> It is the only damned thing Avast does that drives me buggy.
>
> Bet there is one in this post.
>
> Shit.
There's only one way to make your antivirus software stop complaining
it's not finding any viruses in your messages. Get off your butt and
put in some fucking viruses already. Your software wants to find
viruses, and you're not playing along.
I'll supply you with a pirated bootleg warez copy of the super-elite
Trojan Horse malware virus worm hacker steganography Web bug spyware
doomsday exploit that once caused an incredible ruckus among WebTV users:
CLICK HERE YOU IDIOT
I seem to recall someone actually went to jail for posting that to
alt.online-service.webtv. Fortunately, we now have real terrorists
to be afraid of so as a nation we no longer worry about people causing
minor nuisances to the four bozos who ever owned WebTVs, so there's
no chance of me getting in trouble for saying
CLICK HERE TOO YOU IDIOT
unless someone figures out a way to make it do
CLICK THIS YOU TWIT
-- K.
Fun fact: The Weather Channel's
Dave Schwartz has the dubious honor
of being the still picture displayed
continuously by the WebTV emulator
for at least six years.
What other famous weathermen have
been turned into still pictures
embedded in software emulators?
Does Stella have a well-hidden
picture of Lloyd Lindsay Young?
Is Al Kaprielian in my EDSAC?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: To Whome It May Concern....
Date: Sun, 18 Dec 2005 16:04:44 -0500
husamal_ahmadi@yahoo.com spamvertised:
>
> Hi EveryBody:
>
>
> For all the poeple who are intersting to protect them kids from all the
>
> sexuall based web sites they can use this new software.
>
>
> This software is magnifecant it has the ability to control more than 10
>
> billion web site.
>
>
> This software called Http watcher. It can control all web sites through
>
> the internet by entering just one word from the web site name. It does
> not depend in any kind of proxy. For example if you enter word yahoo to
>
> protect your kids from entering www.yahoo.com, If your kids or what
> ever try more proxies to enter to yahoo they will never and ever enter
> yahoo web site until you disactive the functulity of the http watcher
> or you delete yahoo from the program database.
Or just type "yahoo.com CNAME 127.0.0.1" into the hosts file.
You're welcome.
My method works just as well as yours, too, as you can only get
around it by 583 different methods, such as typing Yahoo's numeric
IP address.
An even better method is just to remove the "y" from the keboard.
> Also If you want to control all the web sites including word sex in its
>
> name all what you have to write is word sex.
And if you want to stop the kids from looking at pornographic pictures,
all you have to do is draw a picture!
So what do I have to do if I want to stop my kids from ever looking
at anything that can't decide whether or not it's double-spaced?
Please tell me because I am interested in being a parent who spends
no time with their kids but wants to control their lives constantly.
Using bad software is so much easier than just talking to kids about
acceptable and unacceptable behavior or moving the computer into the
living room or chaining the kid to the bed.
-- K.
It's a good thing these
programs never actually
work, or the kids would
start going to the public
library to look at porn
just like everyone else.
HI DON SAKLAD!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 02:49:26 -0500
I had let my maroon hair gradually fade to light orange over the past
month and a half, and in that time I had also bleached twice, so recently
I was a sort of orangish-blond (the bleach never gets out all the orange,
and the yellow really sticks, so I had lemon-yellow hair with orange
highlights.) So today I put some color back in.
Currently I am Special Effects Hi-Octane Orange, which is a rich fluorescent
red (like the color of your car's cigarette lighter. Actually, it's redder
than that. It's the color you see if you press the cigarette lighter
directly into your eye socket.) The red should fade through fluorescent
orange over the next two weeks. This is a shade which doesn't have a
Manic Panic equivalent (Special Effects Napalm Orange is similar to
Manic Panic Electric Lava, but Hi-Octane Orange is a different color) and
it wasn't my first choice, but I had a bottle lying around, and I figured
now was a good time to try it since I'm planning on doing something drastic
(such as recutting my hair into a Mohawk, or shaving it all off) around
New Year's for the hell of it. (It's getting long enough that it needs to
be cut, so I might as well butcher it in some way, it grows back fast enough.)
I don't really think I can do a successful Mohawk -- for one thing, I'm
old enough that I would probably look really stupid in a '70s punk cut,
and for another, it would have a bit of a gap in the middle -- but it's
something I should try as long as I'm expecting to have to cut my hair
anyway (winter's always a good time to shave your head, so you don't
get hat hair.) I figure if I do that experiment, at best I'll come
out looking like W. Morgan Sheppard and have to get a pink van with
a revolving globe that says "BIG TIME TV".
(That's how old I am, I remember both Max Headroom and real punk-rockers
during the '80s. Of course the real heyday of the punk look was in
England in the late '70s, but in my part of the USA it didn't really
surface until about 1982. My high school only had two punkers, one
with a really huge fluorescent yellow Mohawk. Those were the days,
back when it was possible to be the only weird-looking person in all
of upstate New York -- kids these days don't know how much bolder a
statement the old fogeys were able to make when they invented that
look in the 1970s. I mean, that was even before everyone had realized
that disco sucked!)
Hmm, you know, being mistaken for W. Morgan Sheppard wouldn't be such
a bad thing. I could tell people my name is "A Mad Animal" and nobody
would get it because, I mean, who was able to sit through that movie?
Or I could learn one of W.'s speeches from "Babylon 5". I forget how
those went, they were all something like "FEEL THE LIFE FORCE EBBING
AWAY... EBBING... EBBING... EBBING... EBBING... EBBING..." except better.
The only problem with having a Mohawk is that I wouldn't be able to
wear my Roman centurion helmet over it. We'll see if that causes any
social difficulties in the new year.
Anyway, you can probably guess that the real reason I'm telling you
about advance plans for doing something ridiculous with my hair next
month is that it'll keep me from chickening out (or just being too
lazy to do it.) At the moment I still have my usual "Paul Darrow
as Caligula" haircut, which looks fine, especially when I wear a
ski mask over it. But it is a wonderfully insane shade of nuclear
red which perfectly compliments the icy colorlessness of my eyes.
I never wear my red contact lenses. They just look too dopey, and
completely fake. Very poseurish, with a cartoony quality that doesn't
compare to the natural disturbingness of my own eyes. Fluorescent
red hair good, red contact lenses bad. Also, they're not my
prescription, and nobody likes to see a guy bumping into things
just so he can wear ridiculous contacts. I should sell them to some
Anne Rice fan or someone who needs to join the "Attempted Goth"
community. Hey, anybody want to buy some used contact lenses?
I swear I've only had them in my eyes when they're not in their
case, I've never cleaned them by spitting on them.
-- K.
The wonderful thing about
alt.religion.kibology is
that I can say "who was
able to sit through that
movie?" and have it take
on an additional layer
of specialness because
I'm sure that at least
50% of you weirdos will
raise your hands to
shamefully brag that you
_did_ pay to see "Marat/Sade".
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 14:33:36 -0500
Cam (cam.barr@beer.com) wrote:
>
> Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote:
> >
> > Also, why can't people quote some decent dystopian stories for a
> > change when they are protesting. In "quote" I mean actually act out
> > pivotal scenes from A Clockwork Orange, Rollerball or THX 1138.
>
> Renew! Renew! Renew!
If I ever put on an old-timey hockey mask, you can be damn sure that
_that_ won't be the movie I'm planning on re-enacting. Besides, nobody
takes you seriously if you commit axe murders while wearing a glittery
figure-skating unitard. I'M TALKING TO YOU, DAVE FOLEY.
I've noticed that some DVDs now have a new version of the legal disclaimer
at the beginning. Everything used to say "The interviews and commentaries
do not necessarily represent the opinions of (name of movie studio)", but
now one studio is putting "The interviews and commentaries are for
entertainment purposes only," in case anyone tries to sue them after
taking stock tips from "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo". Every day of
my life I am thankful that "Fight Club" was released before they thought
of putting prohibitions on what we can do after we watch movies.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go out and buy some more lye.
-- K.
If the movie "Fight Club"
didn't exist, I'd have to
invent it out of stone
knives and bearskins.
Logic is a little bird
that smells bad.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 21:37:52 -0500
[on re-enacting movies, which is more fun than talking about hair dye]
pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go out and buy some more lye.
>
> I have to return some video tapes.
You can't, I already crashed a big gold ball into the video store.
Sorry, I'm always one step ahead, because everything you know, I know.
I'm your evil twin, except I'm not real, and also, sorry about blowing
up your apartment and all the White Castle wrappers in your giant
revolving computer-animated wastebasket. I'm in your brain. I'm a
tumor named Videodrome -- whoops, wait, I forgot for a second that
"Videodrome" wasn't the same movie as "Fight Club" despite the two
movies having almost the same title except for the words.
I'm not sure whether David Fincher's "Fight Club" or David Cronenberg's
"Videodrome" is the movie I spend the most time accidentally re-enacting,
but I'm sure it's one of those two. I stand by my assertion that they
should show little kids "Fight Club" instead of "Paddle To The Sea".
I just saw Fincher's "The Game", which was the same movie as "Fight Club"
except dumber than "Gymkata". Seriously, did David Fincher direct that
film with a multiple concussion and a stomachful of whatever drug makes
you the stupidest? Still, it was good to see Deborah Karr Unger with
her real eyebrows, which are slightly smaller than the incredibly freaky
giant diagonal eyebrows she had in "Crash".
I refer you to my earlier complaint that women who shave their eyebrows
so they can draw them back on with a grease pencil look like they're
from another planet, or David Cronenberg movies. Next time you run into
one of these women with troweled-on eyebrows, ask her to stage an
erotic car crash for you, unless you'd rather have her re-enact "The Game",
which would be hard to do because you'd have to find an all-night store
that rents evil clown ventriloquist dummies.
What if Fincher and Cronenberg directed a movie together? I think it
would go something like this:
SAM DONALDSON, with extra-large eyebrows, sprouts a new penis
from his forehead. CAMERA FLIES THROUGH the urethra.
Then SAM uses a medical instrument shaped like CTHULHU to
rip open one of his twelve rectums and CAMERA FLIES THROUGH.
I should get a job writing for David Cronenberg. I mean, I can
pull scenes like that out of any of my asses!
Either that or I should just start a company which charges rich
guys millions of dollars to play The Game but not tell them that
we're just going to be re-enacting "Gymkata". I'll be back in
a little while, I gotta go pose all the flag ninjas now.
-- K.
What sort of aptitude test
do you have to fail to be
a flag ninja?
"Paddle To The Sea" needed some
flag ninjas. And a naturally-
occurring pommel-horse.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 22:57:28 -0500
Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > 50% of you weirdos will raise your hands to
> > shamefully brag that you _did_ pay to see "Marat/Sade".
>
> And 30% of the rest of us will lie and say we saw it for free in college,
> just to avoid looking illiterate.
You went to college for free? Gawrsh! You must be either a super-genius
or a hippie!
I don't think I ever saw any entertaining movies in college. In fact,
the only movies I remember seeing in class (bear in mind that I was in
a lot of scriptwriting courses) were Oliver Stone's "Eight Million Ways
To Die" (terrible), "Three Days Of The Condor" (mediocre), and one
episode each of "Get A Life" and "Small Wonder" (the latter was shown
to us just to reassure us that anyone could write a better script.)
It was in elementary school and Cub Scouts where I got exposed to all
those movies that burned themselves deeply into my subconscious --
about a dozen showings of "Paddle To The Sea" (they rented
that one over, and over, and over) and for the rare occasions when
they couldn't get "Paddle To The Fucking Sea" they got that film
about the otter, or the film of "Homer Price And The Amazing Doughnut
Machine". Plus once there was that one about bear conservation at
Yellowstone (bears who break the rules about staying out of pic-a-nic
baskets get a yellow stripe painted on their face the first time, and
shot the second time, if I remember correctly) and one showing of
"It's A Wonderful Life". Plus various propaganda films about
terrible things happening to kids who don't wash, such as that one
I mentioned a while back about the wicked witch who uses her magic
powers to make kids play football in the mud until she's convinced
to take a kinky bubble bath. (I still demand to know the title of
that one... if it rings a bell with anyone, please let me know.)
I think that if instead of "Paddle To The Sea" they had shown
"Marat/Sade" a dozen times I would not now hate tiny French-Canadian
toy canoes. And by the way, THAT'S NOT PADDLING, THAT'S FLOATING!!!
Oh yeah, once in junior high they made us watch the movie of
"Rumble Fish" because I had this teacher who was obsessed with
S.E. Hinton and that semester we had to real all those books.
Here, I'll summarize the entire S.E. Hinton Very Special Books
About Troubled Teens canon: "Oh no, he smoked a 'reefer', and
now he's dead! Oh no, he bought a leather jacket, and now he's
dead! Oh no, he drank 'booze', and now he's dead!" I kept
wishing Judy Blume would beat the crap out of S.E. Hinton.
Judy Blume rocks, man. Her and Daniel Pinkwater. But they
never let us read Daniel Pinkwater.
Further showing my age: I was in high school during the year that
_every_ class felt it was vitally important for all of us to read
a certain tedious George Orwell novel due to the calendar having
the same digits on it in the same order. I was simultaneously
assigned "1984" in three different classes (I think they were English,
British Literature, and some satire class taught by a humorless
asshole who got upset when people used slang.) Oh, that jogs
my memory, another movie we saw was the first half of "Catch-22"
because said asshole teacher somehow thought he could show a
three-hour movie during two one-hour classes. (I like both the
book and the movie.)
"Catch-22" still feels relevant, but can we please finally admit
that "1984" is a joyless, awkwardly-written, pompous, hectoring screed?
Hell, even Ayn Rand made fun of "1984" -- you know you really have
a board up your ass when even Ayn Rand is writing parodies of you.
-- K.
It's amazing that Steve Jobs
never became a Randroid.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 21:16:26 -0500
[on school eduganda films]
Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote:
>
> Perhaps you are too young to recall "The Wood Ducks' World" showing the
> hatching of 6 wood ducks and why the world is not overcome with the wood
> duck population. In graphic detail. Popular jr high stuff, like the
> Tacoma Narrows bridge and the flea circus film.
Never heard of "The Wood Ducks' World", though I do recall "Lame Ducks",
which was the John Turturro film an entire issue of National Lampoon
was devoted to plugging sometime in the '80s. The issue contained about
twelve identical ads for the movie, which was then vaulted and later
released under a different title that only implied it was lame rather
than stating it outright. ("Brain Donors") It was nice to see someone
attempting to make a new Marx Brothers / Three Stooges movie, but
they forgot to first travel back in time fifty years so they could
release the movie back when people were still sitting around thinking
"You know, the original five Marx Brothers weren't enough! Let's make
up three more so they can aspire to the greatness of Zeppo and Gummo!"
It had its moments, and at least it was short (it was edited down to
74 minutes by the time it was eventually released) but come on,
why did anyone ever even try to promote a movie called "Lame Ducks"?
"The Wood Ducks' World" sounds like something Phil Dick would write
after receiving a letter from the Audobon Society saying, "Dear Phil,
we know you're too poor to donate money, so please instead donate
an original science-fiction story about ducks, preferably written
under the influence of at least two of the following: speed, LSD,
heroin, and Percodan." It would depict the tyrannical reign of
ducks enslaving humanity and forcing all sailors to go pantsless
like Donald Duck.
-- K.
And then Hollywood would buy
the rights to the story and
make it into a movie called
"Lame Ducks".
I say we should get Graeme Garden,
Bill Oddie, and Tim Brooke-Taylor
to make a hilarious parody of
"Lame Ducks". With Rowan Atkinson
as Margaret Dumont!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 00:01:05 -0500
Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > "Catch-22" still feels relevant, but can we please finally admit
> > that "1984" is a joyless, awkwardly-written, pompous, hectoring
> > screed? Hell, even Ayn Rand made fun of "1984" -- you know you really
> > have a board up your ass when even Ayn Rand is writing parodies of you.
>
> Also, why can't people quote some decent dystopian stories for a change
> when they are protesting. In "quote" I mean actually act out pivotal scenes
> from A Clockwork Orange, Rollerball or THX 1138.
That's not protesting, that's foreplay.
It's hard to keep up with the William Tell Overture in "A Clockwork Orange",
but the scene near the end where they're drowning Alex has a good beat
to beat people to. There should be more violence involving Moog stings.
Your list of three movies is a good a start, but how many other dystopian
movies can you name that involve large quantities of black leather pants?
Were they in one of the scenes that got edited out of "Brazil"?
I wanted to be one of the cops from "THX-1138" last Halloween but I couldn't
find a silver mask that didn't look crappy. And I couldn't wear a
"Rollerball" uniform because I didn't want to show up to the party
wearing the same thing as Bob Elliott.
-- K.
Does "Danger: Diabolik"
count as a dystopian movie
because of the costumes?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 22:33:50 -0500
Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote:
>
> Why don't they call it "Special Effects Fluorescent Red That Fades To
> Hi-Octane Orange"? Or does the hair dye industry refer to what color
> you hair will be in a week instead of what it is now? Is there a
> "Faded Jet Black With Natural Roots?"
This is why there's a market for both relatively weak (Manic Panic)
and relatively strong (Special Effects) dyes. With the Manic Panic,
if the stuff in the jar is lavender, it makes your hair lavender,
then fades away in less than two weeks. With Special Effects, the
stuff in the jar usually looks like fudge, and makes your hair something
halfway between fudge and the color you wanted, then over the next
week fades to the color you wanted then sticks around forever no
matter how many thousands of times you bleach.
The thing about colors is they don't work the way people kept lying
to you in third grade -- the color wheel is a crock. In the real world,
bright yellow paint mixed with bright blue paint won't give you bright
green, you'll get dingy dark green. And with dyes, "pink" is the
weaker version of "purple" and "orange" is the weaker version of "red" --
the stuff that's currently in my hair is the color of dried blood when
it's in the bottle, but when diluted a billion to one with water it's
a nice bright orange. Currently there's enough of it in my hair so
that my hair looks red rather than orange.
I got a lot of great reactions to the fluorescent red hair today, it's
really making quite an impression. Bright reds and oranges always get
more positive attention than any other colors I've tried.
> Do you ever dye your eyebrows?
No. Besides the obvious risk of getting bleach or dye in the eyes,
there's the issue of the skin on that part of the face being very
sensitive so there would be unpleasant burning sensations, and
eyebrows have so little hair (and such fine hair) that you'd probably
just wind up staining your skin to add a tiny amount of color to your
eyebrows, and most importantly, people have a lot more facial expression
when they have dark eyebrows (just ask Steve Martin.) So I leave
my eyebrows blackish but bleach and dye everything else above the neck.
Women who want darker eyebrows usually just shave them off and then
draw them on with a horribly fake-looking crayon. That looks as
ridiculously fake as if a man shaved his head so he could wear a wad
of Play-Doh for a toupee. I've got nothing against temporary body art,
but you can't pass off a couple of black stripes as actual eyebrows.
Another problem with dyeing eyebrows would be that they grow and shed
so fast, because the hairs are so short, that even if you managed to
give them a good dye job it'd be gone in about a week. They should
invent a pill that lets people grow their eyebrows as long as they want
so that Dr. Seuss fans can sculpt them into crazy shapes, because nothing
makes people look as insane as having big curly eyebrows. If you don't
believe me, look at Andy Rooney.
-- K.
"look at Andy Rooney" is slang
for "get bleach in your eyes".
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 13:42:13 -0500
barbara@bookpro.com wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > The thing about colors is they don't work the way people kept lying
> > to you in third grade -- the color wheel is a crock. In the real world,
> > bright yellow paint mixed with bright blue paint won't give you bright
> > green, you'll get dingy dark green.
>
> WHY DO YOU HATE THE COLOR KITTENS?
It's Play-Doh that hates kitties and other living things. Ever tried
to follow their directions for making orange by mixing red and yellow?
You get this lousy pastel peach (because Play-Doh is opaque, mixing
the two colors will give you something with half as much red pigment
and half as much yellow pigment as the original colors. Opaque stuff
like Play-Doh gets pale when you mix it.) I think the people who wrote
the little color mixing chart on the Play-Doh wrapper when I was a kid
had the philosophy, "Eh, screw the kids, lying to all the children
in the world is easier than actually selling more than four colors."
Nowadays the Play-Doh company has figured out that they can make more
money by selling actual orange Play-Doh instead of telling you to
attempt to make your own colors. (Why did it take so long for them
to realize that they needed black Play-Doh?)
Now, 50% white Play-Doh plus 50% black Play-Doh actually does make
medium gray -- one of the few color combinations in the Play-Doh
spectrum which works the way the grown-ups lie to you about colors --
but just try making gray by mixing 50% white paint with 50% black
paint. You'll get something which is indistinguishable from black
without a spectroscope.
I think a lot of this emphasis on teaching kids bogus color theory
about "the three primary colors" derives from Friedrich Froebel's
original kindergarten syllabus. When he invented kindergarten,
the first lessons -- for the first six months or so -- revolved
around six colored woolen balls, with one of the activities being
to twirl the red one and the yellow one together so they looked
orange. Of course, that being Germany, these lessons led to a
whole nation of architects obsessed with making everything out
of red, yellow, and blue cubes. Lego-colored Bauhaus architecture
seems to be making a comeback around here, Boston's gotten several
new buildings in the past few years that look like that.
(See Norman Brosterman's wonderful book "Inventing Kindergarten"
for more details on how Froebel's educational ideas shaped the work
of Le Corbusier, Mondrian, Frank Lloyd Wright, etc. -- reading that
book was the only way I could figure out why my kindergarten classroom
had all those boxes of brightly-colored wooden triangles nobody
ever did anything with. I think I've mentioned the book before,
but it's an important read for anyone who wants to realize just
how lame modern American early education is compared to what it
was named after.)
The two lasting influences of Froebel's kindergarten system seem
to be this obsession with the idea that you can make colors by
mixing red, yellow, and blue, and a bunch of songs like
"I'm A Little Teapot" and "Happy Birthday". Unless you happen
to have gone to a Montessori school, in which case you may
have been exposed to some of Froebel's actual teaching methods
and are probably too smart to be reading this, or at least busy
playing with your Lego Mindstorms.
(How many of you folks are too young to have ever played with a
bunch of identical wooden cube-blocks? I miss wooden cubes.
Nowadays kids' toys all have parts that can break, get lost,
or be swallowed, but wooden cubes were indestructible and
harmless, unless you threw them, which is probably why Froebel
started kids with the colored deedlee balls before letting
them get their hands on the harder stuff.)
Personal pet peeve: When people refer to something in some shade
of blue as "primary blue". This might mean cyan (which is primary
in the CMYK printing process) or ultramarine (which is often primary
painters' color-wheel systems) or a medium blue (which is primary
on your RGB computer screen.) In other words, any shade of blue
from the greenish end to the bluish end of the entire range of blues
gets called "primary" under various circumstances, so specifying
that the blue you want is "primary blue" is just as meaningless
as saying "I don't want just any blue, I want the _color_ blue!"
You can usually make these people's heads explode by asking them
"So do you want your primary blue accented with warm gray, or
cool gray?" 'cause they'll also think gray is a neutral color
whereas in real life there is no such thing as neutral gray 'cause
of light bulbs and stuff.
For more of my personal philosophy about color, push my "rant"
button any day.
-- K.
People don't care enough about color,
which is why they let big corporations
take all the bright colors away from them.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 21:59:40 -0500
Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote:
>
> [...]
>
> They should invent a pill to give the rest of us these fine- and
> sparse-haired eyebrows of which you speak. And one that makes them stop
> growing up your forehead like ivy.
You know, they already invented that pill in convenient scissors form.
Also in convenient tweezer form.
I notice that as I age, my little silky-soft eyebrow hairs are
gradually being invaded by longer, stiff hairs. The big chunky
hairs grow much longer than the fine ones. I don't mind them so
much, it's the ones inside my ears that I wish would not grow
back after I yank them out. If science ever figures out how a
hair can grow back after being pulled out and thrown away, they
should harness that power to give your garden an inexhaustible
supply of carrots.
-- K.
Have you considered just
doing like Whoopi Goldberg
and losing your eyebrows
in a Transporter accident?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 21:26:31 -0500
Captain Infinity (Infinity@captaininfinity.us) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I got a lot of great reactions to the fluorescent red hair today, it's
> > really making quite an impression.
>
> How many people asked you for a Big Mac?
I did get one woman who yelled (in a sarcastic voice, in Target)
"OOH LOOK, IT'S SANTA!" because apparently Santa is a skinny guy
with a leather jacket and red hair. I was tempted to say, "No,
I'd need to gain about a hundred and fifty pounds to be Santa.
But you'd be perfect!" but chose to turn the other cheek instead
because I didn't want to embarrass her in front of her little kid.
(He might not yet have figured out that his momma's nearly spherical.)
The stunt I've been pulling for the past two days is to go places
while wearing all black except for a bright red ski mask. Then if
people stare at the ski mask, I pull it off and reveal that my
hair and beard are exactly the same color. People always find it
highly disturbing when your hair matches your clothes.
I'm highly tempted to start performing as a street mime while
wearing the brightly-colored ski mask, because then I'd watch
people's brains melting from the cognitive dissonance of one
hemisphere needing to stare at the brightly-colored mask and
the other hemisphere needing to ignore the annoying street mime.
-- K.
Hey Japan, I think I just
invented something more
irritating than butoh!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 03:46:14 -0500
Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I'm sure that at least 50% of you weirdos will raise your hands
> > to shamefully brag that you _did_ pay to see "Marat/Sade".
>
> HA! Shows what you know. I have it on video tape.
The DVD's better because it's random-access so that you can skip
directly over your favorite scenes to get to the end faster.
For some reason, you just can't make a good film out of an immersive
avant-garde theater experience. Plays tend to make lousy, stiff,
stagey, slow movies, even when they're not plays which involve the
actors locking the audience in an insane asylum and running up and
down the aisle screaming and naked. When you watch an actual play,
you get to decide what to look at, but when you watch the movie
of "Rope", you have to look at whatever Hitchcock's pointing the
camera at. Also you can't hold out much hope for seeing someone
flub their lines in an interesting way.
Avant-garde theater like "Marat/Sade" should be about "HEY, AUDIENCE!
WE'RE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU AND WE'RE GOING TO FUCK WITH YOUR MINDS!"
but watching a film of a theatrical show conveys more the impression
of "Oh, so this is what people who like this sort of thing used to
go see in person back when they were still performing it." The
dangerous animal has been crushed flat and turned into a photograph of itself.
I will grant that the movie of "Marat/Sade" is ambitious and clever in
its attempts to depict the immersive experience of live freaky theater,
but I got bored with it quickly -- now if I had seen it performed live,
with W. Morgan Sheppard actually shouting at me personally, I might
have been excited enough to make it all the way through. From this,
we can conclude that no movies should ever be made of plays -- they
should just keep plays open forever so that nobody needs to settle
for the movie version.
So do you think they'll ever do a live stage version of that new
movie, "The Producers"? I'm not sure how well that would fly,
because it's got a dancing Hitler in it, and putting dancing Hitler
in a play would make it a bad play.
Now back to the much more important subject at hand: The Marquis de Sade.
Movies like "Marat/Sade" and "Quills" always seem to take the point of
view that the poor Marquis was persecuted by big meanies because he
dared to write satire. How come they've never made a movie about his
actual life, which would be much more interesting because he was a truly
sick, evil bastard? (No, he did not get thrown in prison just for
writing ribald Benny Hill sketches about corrupt priests. It was
because he enjoyed poisoning prostitutes. If you believe that the
poisoned-licorice incident was just an accident during one of his
naughty romps, I refer you to the various times he wrote about his
fantasies of watching women dying of poisoning, such as in "The 120
Days Of Sodom".) He'd make a fascinating biopic, providing you got
Anthony Hopkins to play him. Or better yet, the late Lawrence Tierney.
(Sorry, Internet fanboys, you can't have Christian Bale. Too handsome.)
To sum up:
* Movies of plays suck.
* Movies about the Marquis de Sade suck.
* DVDs are better than VHS but DVDs still suck.
* Everything else sucks too.
* If Marat goes with Sade, then who goes with Leopold von Sacher-Masoch?
Kraft-Ebbing? The Velvet Underground? Richard Loeb?
* The movie "Mishima" is quite good, but I haven't read Mishima's book
about Madame de Sade, so I'm not qualified to drag him into this.
Instead I'll just brag that I didn't connect the dots between
Hitchcock's "Rope" and Richard Loeb because that would have been
too obvious. Also, because I'm busy making a cameo in "Titus Andronicus".
-- K.
How come Leopold & Loeb
never got a sitcom?
Every week they could
bungle the murder of
a different person.
The perfect cast would
be Monty Burns and
Waylon Smithers, plus
a chimp for comic relief.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 07:28:33 -0500
Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Now back to the much more important subject at hand: The Marquis de Sade.
> > [...] He'd make a fascinating biopic, providing you got
> > Anthony Hopkins to play him. Or better yet, the late Lawrence Tierney.
> > (Sorry, Internet fanboys, you can't have Christian Bale. Too handsome.)
>
> sounds like a job for Mark Hamill, to me.
Hey, if you somehow combined the Criterion DVD of Passolini's
"Salo: The 120 Days Of Sodom" with the original, un-digitally-enhanced
Laserdisc of "Star Wars", you'd have a disc of some sort which
would sell for more than everything else on eBay _combined_.
The early Criterion DVD of "Salo" is one of the few Criterion discs
ever to have gone out of print, and because it's an out-of-print
Criterion disc of a movie based on something some old French sicko
wrote, it commands a higher price than any other DVD, ever. Usually
legit copies go for about $550, so lots of people try to pass off
Brazilian bootlegs as the real thing. I've never seen it, so I
have no idea whether it's overrated by $540 or by $545.
> > * DVDs are better than VHS but DVDs still suck.
>
> gyahhh. if you sometimes watch DVDs with a full 5.1 system, but then
> also watch sometimes watch them on a TV (with the stereo DVD audio
> signal jammed down into mono), and have to dick about with telling the
> damn thing to play in stereo instead of 5.1 so's that any dialogue in
> the centre channel doesn't vanish into the aether, and then ALSO try
> to get the damn thing to take the audio from stereo DVDs (in 5.1 mode)
> and take the bass to the sub, THEN you get to complain about how they
> suck. RRRRRRRRRAAHHHHHH.
Young man, your puny 5.1 system would still be inadequate for playing
my full quadraphonic DVD of "Tommy". That's why I suggest we don't
even try to play the DVD. I'll just come over and we'll re-enact the
entire movie ourselves. Be sure you've got the bathtub filled up by
the time I get there.
> > * If Marat goes with Sade, then who goes with Leopold von Sacher-Masoch?
> > Kraft-Ebbing? The Velvet Underground? Richard Loeb?
>
> The Communards.
Fine, then tell me: In a fight between the Velvet Underground and
the Communards, why wouldn't I just go watch my "Tommy" DVD instead?
And that leaves Richard Loeb unpaired with any other popular
or alternative musician, so we'll put him with Lisa Loeb,
except I don't think she'd be happy about having to leave
her nerd glasses next to the corpse they're disposing of.
Kraft-Ebbing can go with Heinz Edelmann, and the two of them
can animate a movie filled with psychedelic flying Velveeta
and 57 dancing pickles playing 76 trombones, but instead of
a quadraphonic soundtrack it'll just have the secret emergency
backup replacement Monkees standing in for the real Monkees.
Also Jack Nicholson will have a cameo as the slice of salami
from "Codex Seraphinianus". (That's my favorite page in that
book, though the plot's a little thin in that section.)
-- K.
Unless we let Ken Russell
direct it, in which case
Jack Nicholson will be a
giant salami that
Roger Daltrey rides.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Interesting slam on Wikipedia
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 03:10:42 -0500
plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote:
>
> Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote:
> >
> > [...]
> >
> > You asked me before what I thought was better than Wiki:
>
> A real live trained librarian with access to print and online resources.
Dude, that's not fair. You've got a roomful of people arguing about
whether McDonalds or Burger King has the best food and you gotta blow
through waving a Chatta Box menu over your head. You get one point for
being sensible, but minus one point for being so sensible that
you make people who aren't as sensible as you seem not as sensible
as you. So that gives you a net balance of zero points, which I
will hold in escrow until you take me to Chatta Box for a Golden Banana.
Also you can help me figure out which disturbs me more, the really
bad painting of antique sports memorabilia over the toilet (the
perspective is from the ninth dimension, the golf ball has the
dimples tessellated wrongly, objects aren't to scale, etc.) or the
plastic starfruit tree outside the men's room (seriously, if you're
shopping for a plastic tree, who ever says "I think it should be a
plastic _starfruit_ tree!"?)
-- K.
Oh, and by the way, the Encyclopedia Britannica sucks, and the
Boston Public Library sucks, but that doesn't mean the Boston Public
Library would become good if they burned their Encyclopedia Britannica.
They'd become good if they did something that made Don Saklad fall
out of his chair in an amusing way.
Both Wikipedia and the Encyclopedia Britannica are just like
the "...for Dummies" books except they don't even admit that
only a dummy would ever need to look anything up. Me, I was
born with all the trivia I'll ever need, in accordance with
Plato's Ninth Paradigm Of Cosmic Knowledge, which he first
stated in "Blivtheria Marginalis Ex Smarto" in 4932 BC.
-- K.
The extra "K."
is just to
throw you off.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: So which country's next?
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 07:55:06 -0500
A couple weeks ago, France was having non-stop Muslims-vs-everyone-else riots.
This week, Australia's been having non-stop everyone-else-vs-Muslims riots.
So, which country's next?
I call dibs on Mexico in the betting pool. Who's hanging onto the $1,000,000
I'll get if I guessed right?
Should Mexico not descend into chaos within the next week, my backup
guess is Norway. Because it's damn cold up there.
For those of you outside the USA who want to know what's happening here,
currently the biggest news story is that New York City is worried there
might be a labor strike by the people who pee on stuff in the subway.
No chance of rioting here for the next three weeks, but once the fifth
season of "24" premieres in January things might be different -- if it's
even more ridiculous than the fourth season people might burn down all
the Fox TV stations demanding more realistic programming like... um...
quick, someone name a TV show that's realistic.
-- K.
I vote for Mr. Rogers.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: So which country's next?
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 23:19:11 -0500
Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > This week, Australia's been having non-stop everyone-else-vs-Muslims
> > riots.
>
> A couple of beaches in Sydney does not equal "all of Australia". The police
> have it locked down now according to my friend Corey who was in the area
> last weekend.
Oooh, excuse me for using the invisible words "all of" in that sentence
in the fourth dimension.
Let me correct the definition of "all of Australia" so as not to offend you:
A couple of beaches in Sydney PLUS THE OUTBACK equals all of Australia.
I've seen maps. Australia's just ten million pounds of outback with
a couple beaches next to it. I bet Australia doesn't even have a subway
system across the Outback yet!
Also, Australians don't understand the proper use of quote marks.
This is because they're all descended from lepers. Remember when they
separated the lepers from the hemophiliacs and sent the lepers to
Australia and made the hemophiliacs England's Royal Family?
Those were the days, before they started just shooting them into space
to save money.
-- K.
"fart"
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Important Message from the Department of Hate
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 23:12:34 -0500
[concerning Home Depot]
"Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote:
>
> [...] My local HD only hires mouth-breathing booger-eating fucktard
> idiots who are pathologically afraid of customers. If and when you do
> manage to corner one, they usually crumple into a heap,wetting themselves
> and the floor.
Hey, I have an idea. Let's go shopping. You and me.
I'm bringing my camera. And a little scorecard so we can keep track
of which of us caused the most nervous breakdowns. (You bring the
mini-golf pencil.)
I so hate Home Depot -- they're one of the companies I just avoid
doing business with because they deliberated ripped me off over and
over. I wish it were easier to get to the local Lowe's, because
they have a better selection, the store is better organized, and
most importantly, the items are actually the prices the shelves
say they are, they don't sell used items as new, they allow you
to return stuff after you were overcharged, etc., etc. I can say
nothing good about Home Depot. Nothing. They're even sleazier
than Montgomery Ward/Lechmere used to be, in all the same ways,
except that instead of their logo having that inexplicably creepy
"MW"-kissy-lips ligature they have a logo with an inconsistently-drawn
stencil "M" in the middle of it. NEEDS A NOTCH, GUYS!
Unfortunately, I do have to buy stuff at Home Depot from time
to time because there aren't many alternatives. I really wish
they'd move the Lowe's closer.
Also, we need a Wal-Mart. And a White Castle.
-- K.
And my own Death Star.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Christmas music that needs to go away.
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 23:38:36 -0500
The master copy of "Jingle Bell Rock" needs to be placed inside a
hermetically-sealed crystal octahedron and launched into a black
hole on the far side of the Galaxy where the laws of physics prevent
music that bad from escaping.
I really hope the geniuses who chose to claim that "Jingle Bell Rock"
was "Rock" never get around to attempting "Jingle Bell Rap".
Also, does Santa Claus come down Santa Claus Lane faster than
Peter Cottontail comes down the Bunny Trail? And where those
two roads intersect, can we drop a nuclear bomb? (Not that I
have anything against Elvis, but come on, even he couldn't
make "Santa Claus Lane" into anything better than a cover of
a cloying Gene Autry song.)
So I nominate "Jingle Bell Rock" and "Santa Claus Lane" as the
two Christmas pop songs I never want to hear again.
On the other hand, each of them is marginally better than a
constant million-decibel scraping noise, though I know some
DJs who would disagree. I wish I knew the titles of all the
constant scraping noises so I could complain about them too.
I will grant an exception and allow "Jingle Bell Rock" to be
played in the movie "School Of Rock 2: Christmas Boogaloo"
where Jack Black will travel around teaching people the true
meaning of Christmas by beating sense into them about "Jingle
Bell Rock" being a song from the dorkiest dimension of Hell.
-- K.
Seriously, what about
"Jingle Bell Rock" makes
it an attempt at rock?
Even when it was written
in 1957, people probably
said, "Ayyyy, that song's
to square to be rock,
ayyyyyy, sit on it!"
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: crabby
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 01:43:39 -0500
Yes, I _know_ I've been in a crabby mood the past couple days.
It's not your fault. If it has to be anyone's fault, it's Francis Bacon's
fault (I chose him because his name sounds delicious yet wussy.)
But don't worry, I'm sure that in a few days or weeks or years I'll
be back to normal and perfectly KILL KILL KILL KILL DESTROY ALL EARTHLINGS
BLOW UP THE MOON EAT MORE VEAL KILL KILL KILL FART ON THE SUBWAY KILL
KILL KILL CANCEL "STAR TREK" FOREVER THIS TIME KILL KILL KILL cheerful.
Here is a cartoon I drew showing all the Earthlings being destroyed:
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
Oh, hell with it, you can draw the bottom half yourself. It looks just
like the top half except it has stuff in it. Scary stuff.
To get you started, here's a syphilis bomb you can drop in the cartoon:
__ _____________
\ \/ MR. SYPHY \
/_/\_____________/
And to make the cartoon even funnier, here are some smileys you can
put after the punchline:
:-)
:-) :-) :-)
:-) :-)
:-) :-) :-)
:-)
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
:-)
:-) :-) :-)
:-) :-)
:-) :-) :-)
:-)
Fun fact: Every time anyone types a smiley, it costs the Internet
eight thousand dollars.
Here are some more.
___ ________________
\ \/ MR. SMILEYBOMB \
) :-) :-) :-) :-) )
/__/\________________/
Go ahead, I dare you -- drop it and yell "Smileys made a boom-boom!"
-- K.
If saying ":-)" costs $8,000,
then saying "$8,000" costs
$16,000, and saying "$16,000"
costs $18,666.67, and saying
that costs $29,333.33, which
costs another $29,333.33,
and before you know it we're
talking about costing the
Internet real money.
How come Scrabble doesn't
have punctuation tiles so
we can find out what a
colon is really worth?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: crabby
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 20:57:28 -0500
TomH (address@my.sig) wrote:
>
> Hong Ooi (hong@zipworld.com.au) wrote:
> >
> > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > Yes, I _know_ I've been in a crabby mood the past couple days.
> >
> > Never fear, Kibo! Here's some happy news just for you:
> >
> > http://www.happynews.com
> >
> > It's about time that people woke up to the fact that HappyNet is now.
> > (I'm kinda surprised that noone posted this before.)
Argh blah yuk, I don't even need to go look at that Web site to guess
that it won't cheer me up. Plus I think I saw it several years ago
when someone posted that before.
> Happy? News? Happynews? That is just SOOO wrong!!1!!!!~1
>
> News should always be about hate and anger and retribution
> and revenge and scheming and plotting and executing and loss
> of blo0od and disabling karate chops and grinding teeth and
> migraine headaches and crashes of automobiles and trucks and
> buses and motorcycles and boats and airplanes and cynicism
> and negativity and distrust and more hate and bitterness and
> dark and disouraging defeatism and death and pessimism and
> spite and apathy and malice and ridicule and MORE BITTER and
> exasperation and malevolence and depair and depression and
> ridicule and suspicion and that's just the headlines.
Ah. That's the sort of thing I was hoping someone would post to
cheer me up. Thanks, Tom.
To make it even better, can we work the words "impending doom",
"poisonuggets", "prolapse", and "electrothanasia ray" into that?
> Just *wait* until I get started on all the gory details.
I can't wait!
I'm just trying to figure out why I underlined "know" in my sentence
quoted above. Lately I've been trying to be more sparing with my
use of emphasis (to force myself to write more meaningfully) and
I can't understand why last night I thought I needed to hit a gong
during the word "know". That sentence would have worked better as
any of these:
_Yes_, I know I've been in a crabby mood the past couple days.
Yes, _I_ know I've been in a crabby mood the past couple days.
Yes, I know _I've_ been in a crabby mood the past couple days.
Yes, I know I've _been_ in a crabby mood the past couple days.
So please tell me why you boldfaced the word "wait" by putting stars
around it in case it helps me understand why I underlined "know" by
putting lines to the left and right of it, with blueberry topping in
the middle.
advaTHANblueberrytoppingKSnce.
OH NO! THE "WHATZIT?" IS COLLIDING WITH A DROODLE AND THE JUNIOR JUMBLE
AND "ISAAC ASIMOV'S SUPER QUIZ"! AND THE MASSIVE DEVASTATION IS CAUSING
CAPITALIZATION! WE'RE DQQMED EXCLAMATION POINT EXCLAMATION POINT
EXCLAMATION POINT WHOOPS MY FINGER SLIPPED ONE ONE ONE CARRIAGE RETURN
CONTROL P YES I KNOW POSTING THIS WILL COST THE INTERNET HUNDREDS IF
NOT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS YOU STUPID COMPUTER GIANT EXCLAMATION POINT!!!!!
DEAR INTERNET, STOP MAKING ME SHOUT AT YOU!
-- K.
What's brown and sounds
like a bell?
A BROWN BELLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Quote o the Day
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 21:38:24 -0500
Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote:
>
> "They had to surgically remove the pencil from my buttocks."
>
> - Child on Judge Judy
Please turn off the hot child-on-judge action and watch something
more wholesome instead. Like I think over on Mary Baker Eddy's
TV channel there's some show where a kid says he had to pray
for the pencil in his buttocks to spontaneously disappear.
Then there's a candy commercial where the kid moans, "Do I have
to have another M&M?" when Gabe Kaplan enters with a rubber hose.
You know, I just realized that in the 21st century, Gabe Kaplan is
now a more obscure reference than Mary Baker Eddy. Why did Gabe Kaplan
vanish from the landscape of insipid pop culture?
Also, there should be a channel where every minute would consist of
a 30-second commercial followed by thirty seconds of the stars of the
commercial being beaten with rubber hoses. It would get great ratings,
people would happily watch that enormous number of commercials just
to see everyone in them get what they deserve.
The best thing on that channel: Burger King ads.
"Hi, I'm the King, and I'm meatnormous, and... OW! OW! OW! OW!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP BEATING ME! OW! OW! OW! PLEASE DON'T HIT
MY GIANT PLASTIC FACE! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! I APOLOGIZE FOR SAYING
'MEATNORMOUS'! OW! OW! OW! OW! WAAAH STOP HITTING ME, RONALD!"
Come to think of it, they could just alternate between the Burger King
and Ronald McDonald beating the shit out of each other and everyone
would be happy. Also they could have a fight between the Dave Thomas
who's dead and the Dave Thomas who's drunk. And Colonel Sanders
could get pecked to death by chickens over and over and over.
Why won't anyone put me in charge of a major TV network?
-- K.
Hey Burger King,
I'm gonna get
meatevil on your ass!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Noun-like objects and other wordglobs.
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 03:00:56 -0500
Hey.
I'll be posting a very typical episode of "The Special Show!" this
Christmas, and for the first time ever, I'm taking content suggestions
from its special audience!
NOTE: "THE SPECIAL SHOW!" IS BROADCAST ONLY TO MENTAL ASYLUMS FOR
THE PACIFICATION OF VERY SPECIAL PATIENTS. DO NOT CONTINUE READING
THIS ARTICLE UNLESS YOU ARE AN ESPECIALLY PATENTLY SPECIAL PATIENT.
I want members of the special audience to throw out some nouns.
Also to tell me some nouns. A noun is any person, place, or thing
which should have a scene about it. For instance, if you say
"waffle iron", your Christmas surprise might include a scene where
Genghis Khan and Ben Franklin have a fight to the death with
waffle irons, but it probably wouldn't be that scene because that
would be too obvious. So mention some random nouns like "waffle
iron", "Bactrian earthworm", "oregano", "Jack Nicholson's first face",
"Cheerios", "invisible cummerbund", and "Tiny Rooney" then *Y*O*U*
might be thrilled and *S*U*R*P*R*I*S*E*D* to see *Y*O*U*R* idea
plagiarized in "The Special Show!" this Christmas!
Now is the time to post your followup. Write your favorite noun in this space:
[ ] <--- NOUNS GO HERE, AND NOT OF THEIR OWN FREE WILL, YOU MAKE 'EM GO
No cheating and using a time machine to find out what I'm going to
write -- you'll find out at the same time I do, when I proofread it
after posting it. Do not expect me to write whatever you expect me
to write. Expect the strange... the bizarre... the unwanted.
I'm Jack Palance on behalf of Bab-O. Bab-O. It's a noun.
Buy some nouns today and give them to me. This has been a recording
and I told you not to read this.
-- K.
Some days I feel like everyone
wants me to be Tom Lehrer,
which is too bad because I
don't even know who he is.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Letterman's stalker du jour
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 14:24:50 -0500
[www.freenewmexican.com]
->
-> Letterman lawyers: End Santa Fe claim
->
-> By Jason Auslander
-> The New Mexican
-> December 21, 2005
->
-> Late last week, a Santa Fe District Court judge signed a temporary
-> restraining order against talk-show host David Letterman alleging
-> he has tormented a city resident for more than 10 years by using
-> code words on his television program.
I think he just likes saying "pants", "meat", "ass", and "ham" over and
over and over and over and over and over and over because he can't get
sued for copyright infringement if his signature catchphrases are just
single words he picked out of the dictionary.
(Webster's Dictionary Of Parts Of A Man Where The Bathing Suit Covers.)
-> Now lawyers for Letterman are asking District Judge Daniel Sanchez
-> to quash the "unusual" order on the grounds the complaint by
-> Colleen Nestler is "without merit," according to a motion filed
-> Tuesday.
->
-> "Celebrities deserve protection of their reputation and legal
-> rights when the occasional fan becomes dangerous or deluded,"
-> Albuquerque attorney Pat Rogers wrote in the motion.
What about celebrities who _only_ have deluded fans? You know,
like that person who sang that song nobody liked. You know who
I'm talking about.
-> [...]
->
-> "The claims made are obviously absurd and frivolous," said Jim
-> Jackoway, Letterman's attorney in Los Angeles. "This constitutes an
-> unfortunate abuse of the judicial process."
->
-> In the application for the restraining order, which was filed
-> Thursday, Nestler alleges that between May 1994 and now, Letterman
-> forced her to go bankrupt and caused her "mental cruelty" and
-> "sleep deprivation."
I... see. So, now we can sue over "sleep deprivation" if someone's
TV show is on too late at night and appears only on TVs that we
can't figure out how to turn off? Uh oh, this means the courts will
be flooded with lawsuits over "The Big Brother / Juiceman Power Hour".
-> Nestler -- who lived in Nevada, New Jersey, New York City, Maine
-> and Santa Fe during that period -- requested that Letterman, who
-> tapes his show in New York, stay at least 3 yards from her and that
-> he not "think of me, and release me from his mental harassment and
-> hammering," according to the application.
The "think" part is the best part. It's a brain restraining order!
Letterman could solve this whole matter by just applying for a
restraining order that tells her to not be insane. That would work
like magic!
-> Nestler's application was accompanied by a typed, six-page,
-> double-spaced letter
(which I expect to see on TheSmokingGun.com precisely ten seconds from...
nnnnow.)
-> in which she said Letterman used code words, gestures and
-> "eye expressions" to convey his desire to marry her and train her
-> as his co-host. Her story also involves Regis Philbin,
-> Kathie Lee Gifford
Don't forget Bob Hope.
WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF BOB HOPE? Okay, since nobody's
thinking of him, I'm filing a restraining order demanding that
people stop not thinking of Bob Hope.
-> and Kelsey Grammer, whom Nestler says either supported or attempted
-> to thwart her "relationship" with Letterman, according to the letter.
It's okay, she can always foil his evil plans by tricking him into
singing the entire score of "H.M.S. Pinafore" in front of a giant
Union Jack appearing out of nowhere. Either that or just wait for
him to step on a million rakes.
-> Nestler wrote that she began sending Letterman "thoughts of love"
-> after the Late Show With David Letterman began on CBS in 1993.
Well, she may be a nut, but at least she's never watched NBC.
-> "Dave responded to my thoughts of love, and, on his show, in code
-> words & obvious indications through jestures (sic) and eye
-> expressions, he asked me to come east," she wrote.
->
-> Then, three days before Thanksgiving in 1993, Letterman asked
-> Nestler to be his wife during a televised "teaser" for his show
-> when he said, "Marry me Oprah," Nestler wrote in the letter.
So how does he refer to Oprah? "Uma"?
"Whoopi"?
-> "Oprah had become my first of many code names," she wrote.
-> "... (A)s time passed, the code-vocabulary increased & changed,
-> but in the beginning things like 'C' on baseball caps referred
-> to me,
THOSE DAMN CHICAGO CUBS, TRAVELLING BACK IN TIME TO FOUND THEIR
TEAM JUST TO TELL SOMEONE THAT DAVID LETTERMAN IS WATCHING THEM
THROUGH THEIR TV SET!
You know, so much heartbreak could be prevented by just passing a
law requiring people who want to buy TV sets to pass a test
demonstrating that they understand that the people on TV can't
actually see you.
(People who think Pat Sajak can see them are the only ones who
wear clothes while watching "Wheel Of Fortune".)
-> and specific messages through songs sung by his guests, were the
-> beginnings of what became an elaborate means of communication
-> between he and myself."
->
-> [...]
->
-> In his motion asking Sanchez to quash the order, Rogers said the
-> District Court lacks jurisdiction over Letterman, Nestler never
-> served Letterman with the necessary restraining-order papers, and
-> she didn't meet procedural requirements for issuing a temporary
-> restraining order.
Yeah, but at least she's more competent than any of the other eight
women who have stalked Letterman. None of them has been able to
file a paper with words and ampersands on it and stuff.
How come the funny late-night hosts never get stalked? Did
Letterman stop being funny around 1986 just so he could get
more stalkers? Is Jon Stewart being funny just to keep
stalkers away? Did Dennis Miller start stalking himself
when he went insane?
And where the hell's my late-night show? Dammit, I'm tired of
asking you people to put me on TV. I should be on TV _now_.
Remember, you need to put me on TV if you want to be able to
turn me off!
-- K.
And why won't Adam from
"MythBusters" admit he's
receiving the secret
marriage proposals I'm
beaming into my TV set?
P.S.: Just in case Mr. Letterman is reading this, here's some stuff
he'll find hilarious:
PANTS HAM ASS MEAT PANTS HAM ASS MEAT PANTS HAM ASS MEAT IMMIGRANTS
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Letterman's stalker du jour
Date: Tue, 27 Dec 2005 19:24:27 -0500
An update to the most important news story of the week:
[www.newsday.com]
->
-> Judge tosses restrain order against NY talk show host Letterman
->
-> By Barry Massey
-> Associated Press Writer
-> December 27, 2005, 4:05 PM EST
->
-> SANTA FE, N.M. -- A state judge has lifted a restraining order
-> granted to a Santa Fe woman who accused New York talk show host
-> David Letterman of using coded words to show that he wanted to
-> marry her and train her as his co-host.
->
-> Judge Daniel Sanchez on Tuesday granted a request by lawyers for
-> Letterman, host of CBS' "Late Show," to quash the temporary
-> restraining order that he earlier granted to Colleen Nestler.
->
-> She alleged in a request filed Dec. 15 that Letterman has forced
-> her to go bankrupt and caused her "mental cruelty" and "sleep
-> deprivation" since May 1994.
->
-> [...]
->
-> Nestler appeared in court without a lawyer and represented herself.
It's interesting how crazy people always insist on being their own lawyers.
Me, I'm perfectly sane, because I'm my own barber.
-> Responding to a question from the judge, Nestler said she had no
-> proof of the allegations she had made against Letterman.
->
-> She also said that if Letterman or any of his representatives came
-> near her, "I will break their legs" and establish proof of her
-> allegations.
Actually, I think that might improve Letterman's show. He'd have
more of those wheelchair fire-extinguisher races. And Dean Kamen
could visit to give him a high-tech new wheelchair and Dave would
ask if any of the parts were made by those pinheads at G.E.
-> Nestler said after the court hearing that "I have achieved my
-> purpose. The public knows that this man cannot come near me."
Ah, the old "Not only am I my own lawyer, but the joke's on you
because I _meant_ to make a fool of myself!" tactic.
-> She also said that her comment about breaking legs "is not a
-> threat."
A pun?
-> "I appealed to the court for a restraining order to keep this man
-> away from me, but now that's been denied me," she said. "He has
-> access to me. He can actually come for me or send people. He has
-> many accomplices. I know this sounds crazy. I was crazy to have
-> listened to him in the beginning."
And now she's saving time by acting as her own psychiatrist!
Of course, if we've learned nothing from "M*A*S*H", it's that
nobody's crazy if they can still ask themselves whether they're
crazy. So by admitting she's crazy, she can't be crazy, which
means she can't get out of the Army because of Catch-- LALALALALALA
I AM NOT FINISHING THIS SENTENCE "M*A*S*H" WAS NOT RUSHED INTO
PRODUCTION AS A CHEAP KNOCKOFF OF AN ALAN ARKIN MOVIE LALALALALA
Well, at least Klinger was a completely original character,
since there was no Lebanese-American guy in "Catch-22" wearing
a dress to get a Section 8. Yep, Klinger was completely
original, except that Lenny Bruce was a Lebanese-American
who wore a dress to get a Section 8, but that was completely
different because it was the Navy not the Army and also
Lenny Bruce was real and Klinger was fictional so it's not
even physically possible to compare them so Klinger was not
stolen from Lenny Bruce's autobiography LALALALALALALALALALA
-- K.
Hawkeye Pierce has been
sending coded signals to me
by doing Patch Adams's act.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Letterman's stalker du jour
Date: Wed, 28 Dec 2005 19:03:37 -0500
"Rev. Jones Says \"Drink More Koolaid\"" (lawtoniww@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > An update to the most important news story of the week:
>
> I KNOW COLLEEN NESTLER.
Biblical sense or "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" sense?
> When I lived in Taos, NM around 1993, she used to come to an open mic I went
> to, where she sang bizarre songs about David Koresh being the Easter Bunny,
> her mother being a toaster oven, and this one that went
> "BOSNIAAAAA.....BOSNIAAAAAAA....BOSNIA....WHO IS DOING THE KILLING AND WHY?"
> over and over again until the host made her get off the stage.
David Koresh was the Easter Bunny? Hmm, that explains a lot. Like the
way I haven't gotten any Easter eggs for at least ten years, and that
peculiar New York Post headline "WACKO WACO BUNNY TOASTS HIS BUNS".
> She once called the cops on a kid named Ezra. Colleen had been living in the
> park during the winter, and two friends of Ezra let her stay at their house.
> Ezra was over there hanging out, and Colleen locked him in the bathroom and
> called the cops. When they got there, she accused him of trying to seduce
> her with subliminal eye blinking messages. Yeah. She said she knew he was
> doing this because she had a PhD in neurology.
I think the process of getting a PhD is enough to make anyone crazy.
Stay away from anyone you know who has any sort of degree with a mixture
of capitals and lowercase.
Who do PhDs feel the need to cram that extra letter in there?
I don't refer to my Bachelor Of Fine Arts degree as a "BaFiAr".
It should be just "PD". Especially if they're also a cop.
Also, "Rx" is not a good abbreviation for "prescription".
It's an abbreviation of a completely different Latin word meaning "king".
And that prescription only works if you've got King's Evil and need
a king to smack you on the forehead to get rid of it. Thankfully
few people get King's Evil these days because you can only get it
from the Easter Bunny.
-- K.
I have a plan to take over
the United States by spiking
the nation's water supply
with the virus that causes
King's Evil.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Letterman's stalker du jour
Date: Wed, 28 Dec 2005 23:23:06 -0500
David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I think the process of getting a PhD is enough to make anyone crazy.
>
> Seconded.
I was going to make a reference to Ernie telling Bert, "I seven your
PhD!" but "seven" needed to have InterCaps so I spelled it "Se7eN"
and then Oscar The Grouch told Big Bird to look in the garbage can
and he found Elmo's head but that was too easy so instead I said
something ending with "...that was too easy!" because that way I
could also quote other things John DeLancie said inside a pinball
machine like "Someday you're going to have to learn to play pinball!"
because after all he has an InterCap in his LaST naMe. Then the word
"LaST" has a boxing match with the word "NeXT" while Steve Jobs cries
and something something something iPod Nano up Steve's ass but
iPod NaNo up Robin Williams's.
> > Stay away from anyone you know who has any sort of degree
>
> or name
>
> > with a mixture of capitals and lowercase.
Someone established in years past that your name had a "homosexual spelling"
(I forget, he may have actually said "HoMosexual spelling") so now here's
the BiG question: What are the differences between sissy homosexual spelling,
straight-acting homosexual spelling, and butch homosexual spelling? Quick,
inspect Graham Chapman's old typewriter ribbons for clues. Also, which
page of "On Beyond Zebra" is the kinkiest?
Speaking of pinball, the old Tekhan video game (arcade) "Pinball Action",
when its graphics ROMs are inspected, reveals a lot of extra sprites:
Frames of a ball with a heart in the middle, and a lot of frames of a
striped kitten posed as if to push something, such as a ball with a
heart in the middle. So, is there any secret mode in "Pinball Action"
where pussy comes out and smacks your balls around?
If it's a normal part of the game, it doesn't happen at anything
which might be an obvious trigger -- not at 10,000,000 points,
not at "Special" (completing all boards), not at 99 bonus, not at
5x multiplier. And there don't seem to be any mystery DIP switches
I can throw. So are the kitten graphics sad remnants of some
Easter Egg that has no way to activate it, like how the Centipede
ROMs contain the leaping grasshopper that was removed from the game?
"Pinball Action" is full of mysteries. There's that little flower-bud
thing that appears at random, containing either 50,000 points, 10,000,
or a little sign with two Japanese characters (if I read it correctly,
that would be "suka" meaning "sucker") but there are other touches
which are incomprehensible. Is there any significance to the way
fire-hair-girl's diadem changes color after visits to the red, blue,
and green boards? Does it mean anything when she winks? (By the way,
the green artifacts which sometimes appear in her hair aren't a flaw
in your emulator, those color screwups were also in the arcade game,
just like the navy blue board in "Ms. Pac-Man".)
-- K.
DAMMIT I WANNA SEE THE SECRET KITTY!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Mystery pinball kitties (was: Letterman's stalker)
Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2005 00:49:25 -0500
I just wrote:
>
> Speaking of pinball, the old Tekhan video game (arcade) "Pinball Action",
> when its graphics ROMs are inspected, reveals a lot of extra sprites:
> Frames of a ball with a heart in the middle, and a lot of frames of a
> striped kitten posed as if to push something, such as a ball with a
> heart in the middle. So, is there any secret mode in "Pinball Action"
> where pussy comes out and smacks your balls around?
Because I have been deluged with literally quintillions of messages
(for a small value of "literally") asking me what the heck I'm talking
about, here are some diagrams:
Pinball Action:
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_pinball_action_norm.gif
Pinball Action sending not just one, but two secret stalker subliminal
signals -- a wink and the diadem has changed color:
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_pinball_action_wink.gif
A dump of one of the game's graphics sets:
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_pinball_action_spri.gif
An animation I built from three of the frames of the mystery cat
to show what said hypothetical cat might look like if he actually
did anything:
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_pinball_action_cat.gif
Note that in the dump of the graphics set, all colors are arbitrary --
because I have no palette information for the cat since the game
doesn't normally display him -- so I picked colors for the palette
that made the kitty pretty.
So tell me, video pinball weenies, what does it all mean?
-- K.
P.S. As long as I have the emulator running...
The graphics set of Centipede:
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_centipede_sprites.gif
My reconstruction of the lost grasshopper:
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_centipede_grasshopp.gif
You will now have nightmares of a three-legged grasshopper
with one of his legs joined directly to his nose.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Dalek Standup show
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 14:39:14 -0500
Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote:
>
> Monroe, of course... (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote:
> >
> > Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > He pronounces it like "earl". I say "U R L". How do you pronounce it?
> >
> > 'toe-may-ter'
> > or 'pom-mo-doe-roe'
>
> You say tomater, I zader matermorts.
Worst "Star Wars"/"Harry Potter" slash-fic ever. "The Revenge Of
Zader Matermort" was poorly-written and the illustrations got the
sizes of the body parts all wrong. And, ecccccch, the Internet
doesn't need any more stories about Harry Potter getting a dick
in his ear.
Why can't you people write something wholesome instead, like a
story where the Pink Panther meets Snagglepuss?
-- K.
Or the Grinch meets Hoodoo?
That guy from "The Mask"
could be in it!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Dalek Standup show
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 18:58:11 -0500
Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> [...]
>
> Where do they mine whitespace?
In any solar system where the Planet Of The Negroes is trying to overthrow
The Galactic Over-Honkie.
It's fun to say "Planet Of The Negroes" because saying it means I
just thought up a phrase which is stupid in a new retro way.
It's new _and_ it's retro -- just like "Star Wars"! Except that
"Star Wars" would never have a planet which had non-white people.
Or more than one type of terrain. Or a weapon that could defeat
an old guy with a neon sword, like maybe, you know, a cannon
or a bomb or even something that can just fire two laser beams at
once so that they can't both be blocked by the old guy who can
move his Lite Brite sword faster than laser beams.
Where were we? Oh, yeah, whitespace. What do you think was the
very whitest sci-fi show ever? I'm guessing "Land Of The Lost"
or possibly "Automan". Unless "Automan" gets disqualified for
already receiving the award for Gayest Sci-Fi Show Ever.
Hmm, this calls for some fanfic where Avery Brooks visits the
Land Of The Lost and kicks the asses of Fake Brady Dad,
Fake Brady Boy, and Fake Brady Girl.
-- K.
Or, he could be Automan's
Autopimp, and turn him out
as the first ho who is
also a pimpmobile. Come on,
you know that'd be an
improvement over another
formulaic episode where Automan
had to infiltrate a crime ring
of Chippendales dancers.
Sure, black street pimps
with tricked-out cars are
formulaic too, but the
twist is that the Autopimp
would actually be willing to
hang out with Desi Arnaz Jr.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 22:01:14 -0500
Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> I just got back from my new kidney doctor. I changed because the old one
> wasn't the best communicator and had a bad case of Doctor-speak. The new
> one is cool, very knowledgable and translates what he says into normal
> human language.
So which word does he say instead of the technical term "urine"?
And does he write it on a blue index card so he can hold it up whenever
he says it? If so, run, your doctor's Charles Nelson Reilly!
> We're waiting for all the results to come back, but he was able to give a
> pretty good diagnosis by just doing the maths in his head.
>
> He estimated that my kidneys only have 13% function remaining. 15% or
> less is considered transplant worthy. We will know for sure when the
> computer finishes crunching the numbers, all the test results get back,
> etc.
>
> You might think that this would be a major bummer, but since I have been
> living in limbo for the last 4 years, knowing it is coming, it's actually
> a relief. Of course, I don't have any living donor candidates that I can
> call on, so I may have up to another three years of waiting after they
> put me back on the transplant list.
I'm sorry to hear your kidneys have gone on strike. Bad kidneys!
You two should be nicer to your man.
Kidney transplant surgery can't be fun, especially what with being
forbidden to pee for eight weeks after surgery to give your new kidneys
time to calibrate themselves.
It sucks to have any sort of organ failure like that, since human
parts aren't as interchangeable as they would be if I designed them.
I now give myself until January 1 2010 to patent Velcro-Covered Human Organs.
The other downside to having kidney failure is that, when you tell
people you have kidney failure, you must be getting sick of hearing,
"Oh, I know all about that because my cat has it too! You stop
eating dry cat food!"
On the bright side, if you like kidney pie, autocannibalism is legal.
Be sure to tell the doctor "no formaldehyde".
> I get to go in during the first week of January to get signed up for
> dialasys. That will pretty much suck, since I will have to spend 2 hours
> a day, three times a week getting my blood scrubbed and polished, but at
> least I'll have plenty of time to do some reading. One thing I was very
> concerned about was that it would take our every spare penny to pay the
> bills, but I was told that once you are on dialasys, you automatically
> qualify for medicaid, so it won't cost us anything.
Plus you get all the free sausage casings you'll need! But you might
want to rinse them out first before making your autocannibalistic sausage.
(True: The earliest dialysis machines used sausage casings as the
membrane, since they were porous cellulose in a convenient weiner shape.)
The hardest part of dialysis is that you have to try not to laugh
when the auditor makes you hold the two tin cans connected to the E-meter.
> Also, apparently, I get to have a heafty-cool bionic implant in my arm
> for them to plug me into my new best friend. (Actually not really bionic,
> but it sounds cooler when you call it that.)
You should be able to get a discount if you get a second one put in
at the same time so you can do scrotal inflations whenever you feel
like it.
Assuming you have the balls for that.
> Also, also, did I mention that I heartily endorse organ donation?
You don't want mine. I don't drink, so my liver and kidneys wouldn't
know what to do with alcohol if they saw it. What you need to do is
find someone who drinks but not enough to ruin their kidneys. Also,
be sure you get a pair of kidneys that aren't pee-shy so you won't
cause a screeching halt at the Golden Shower Festival.
-- K.
I'm just assuming that there
is an annual Golden Shower
Festival. I mean, how could
there not be? It's a
perversion, so there must
be a festival for it.
I bet it's at Niagara Falls.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Fri, 23 Dec 2005 21:21:11 -0500
Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I'm sorry to hear your kidneys have gone on strike. Bad kidneys!
> > You two should be nicer to your man.
>
> Somebody please tell my kidneys to stop reading Kibo's posts as though
> he's talking to them. Even after sitting on my SPECIAL BUTT CUSHION and
> then peeing again, I still feel like I should go buy a Stadium Pal before
> trying to go anyplace but the bathroom, and they don't sell Stadium Pals
> in my bathroom.
Yo, Glenn's kidney's, stop it or I'll kick you.
I'm not sure what a Stadium Pal is, but I imagine it's something involving
an external catheter and a leg bag, for sports fans who were too lazy to
insert a Foley before the game.
Yeah, I just Google-bombed "Stadium Pal" and sure enough, it's just a
plain old external cath and leg bag, just like the ones sold at every
drugstore in the world, but with an extra charge to remove all those
big technical words from the package. The leg bag's only 1000ml,
which is not a whole game's worth of beer if you're watching a
Sens-Leafs game from the nosebleed level.
And the worst part is that if you're the sort of person who would
wear a Stadium Pal to a game so that you could experience the thrill
of peeing inside your pants while sitting between people who don't
know you've got urine running down your thigh, you'd probably also
be the sort of person who would own an Auto-Suck, and the Stadium Pal
and Auto-Suck are incompatible. Someday in the distant future
scientists will find a way to combine the two, possibly adding a
beer helmet for a complete Drunken Jerk-Off Pissin' Cyborg ensemble.
Remember when they turned Captain Picard into a Borg? And remember
all those pauses when he was speaking? Now you know why.
For your problem, I say you should get yourself a Foley with a long tube.
Just have Dave Foley hold a funnel over one end of the tube and tuck
the other into your shower drain. It'd be like that scene at the end
of "Brain Candy" except he probably wouldn't drink it, unless he was
holding the tube wrong.
-- K.
If your problem is that your
prostate gland is unhappy,
you might want to consider
wearing an Aneros along
with your Stadium Pal next
time you go to jerk off at
the hockey game.
The Bruins-Leafs game is on
my TV right now, and I'm
wondering how many of the
spectators are wearing one
of each. Also Tie Domi.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 19:52:47 -0500
Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote:
> > >
> > > I just got back from my new kidney doctor [...]
> > > [who] translates what he says into normal human language.
> >
> > So which word does he say instead of the technical term "urine"?
>
> Once when I was working at the VA I had to get a urine sample. It was
> late so I whispered so as not to disturb the other 3 patients in the
> room. The patient just couldnt understand what I wanted, and he seemed
> like a good ol boy from my original social class, so I finally said, I
> need you to piss in this cup for me. Three corners of teh room
> chortled.
I remember once finding a Roger Ebert review of some bad comedy
where he explained that the moment one of the characters explained
the setup (that in this family, everyone whispers the names of
diseases) he knew that eventually they'd get around to "diarrhea",
and of course they did. I don't remember the name of the movie in
question, but I'm sure the scene must have involved a hard-of-hearing
little old lady:
PERSON
And then he got... (whispering) diarrhea!
LITTLE OLD LADY
What?
PERSON
He got... (whispering) diarrhea!
LITTLE OLD LADY
What?
PERSON
DIARRHEA!!! DIARRHEA!!! DIARRHEA, YOU SILLY OLD BIDDY!!!
BUTLER
Oh my, the high society dinner party is ruined! (faints,
knocking a wealthy dowager into the swimming pool and
tipping over a dozen fruit carts)
(CUT TO FAMILY DOG COVERING HIS EYES)
Anyway, the fact that you re-enacted that scene concerning the
(whispering) PIIISSSSSSSSS!!!! is promising, but you really should
more on to re-enacting the other movies we've been talking about
tricking the general public into re-enacting, like "A Clockwork Orange"
and "Battlefield Baseball" and "The Calamari Wrestler".
Okay, so I haven't seen "The Calamari Wrestler" yet (I just bought
the DVD) but I'm sure any conversation about (whispering) URINE!!!!!
could be greatly improved if someone were wearing a big foam-rubber
squid costume. Then put stickers all over your neighborhood saying
"KAIJU GOLDEN SHOWA!"
-- K.
Seriously, you don't know how
badly my neighborhood has been
stickered -- I live in the
center of Kaiju Big Battel's
sphere of influence. That's
why this week I've been dressing
like Strong Bad to ensure that
the neighborhood isn't completely
taken over by any one type of
ironic wrestling.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 21:04:08 -0500
Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> The other day, there was a show called Weird Foods of Asia.
> It was right up my alley as an adventurous eater. Lots of the stuff
> that guy tried was too disturbing even for me (especially the Balut
> from the Phillipines - Mostly developed, but unhached duck embrios
> right out of the shell).
We have those in the U.S. They're called "eggs".
Oh, wait, you mean a slightly older embryo and not just the little red
thing floating around in the egg white.
We have those in the U.S. They're called "squab".
> Then after an hour of culinary squickishness, he tried Durian and
> said it was the worst thing he had ever eaten!?!
That's pretty silly, when you consider how inoffensive durians really
are as far as eating goes (if you can handle pumpkin, and you can
handle Snack Pack pudding, a durian is just pumpkin-flavored pudding.)
But maybe he's more smell-oriented than we are.
I can't say I would ever want to eat durian again (I tried some once)
but it's vastly overrated in terms of its grossness. Sure, the stench
is unbearable, but I've seen people eating stuff that smells worse,
like that powdered cheese that comes in the green can. That stuff
smells more like vomit than vomit does.
> I happen to love the taste of the Spikey Wonder.
And that's why your kidneys melted.
> Just this afternoon, I was considering making a Durian Cheesecake.
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do you sickos have to ruin everything by putting cheese in it?
> The only problem would be that my fambily has threatened me with
> the death penalty if I ever cut one open inside the house.
I bet they also don't let you have asafetida, shrimp paste, or a
vinyl jogging suit.
If they don't know about asafetida, bring home a can of it (look for
the little tin cans with the rock asafetida inside, not the glass
jars of wimpy rice powder with a trace of asafetida) and they'll
promise to stop complaining about your durian fetish.
-- K.
Asafetida is vital to
making good papadum.
But one can should do
about ten million of them.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Fri, 23 Dec 2005 21:52:30 -0500
John Schmidt (js@radix.net) wrote:
>
> Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote:
> >
> > When we cook Indian food, we usually use spice mixes from the Indian
> > market near my daughter's place of employment, so our asafetida is
> > already mixed in.
>
> For all your spice and herb (not *that* herb) needs, I heartily
> endorse Penzeys. I like the mail order catalog, but you can get
> their stuff online as well. Mind boggling selection, REALLY good
> quality, and very reasonable prices.
Penzey's is okay for some things -- I buy dried bell pepper flakes
from them, and their catalog is the easiest way to learn about the
freaky H.R. Giger-esque things mace comes from -- but they're not
good for spice mixes (masala) that you need for Indian food.
They don't have a wide selection of Indian spices, and most of their
spice mixes are geared more towards sausages and pies. (If memory
serves, they have a grand total of nine Indian spice mixes listed
under "curry powder".) The stuff from Indian grocery stores --
such as the Shan and Badshah boxed spice mixes -- is far cheaper
than Penzey's (it was 85c a box here last I looked) and the store
I usually go to has at least a hundred perver^H^H^Hmutations for
everything from fried brains to falooda. An overwhelming array
of slightly different masalas for every conceivable type of curry
(or dessert).
The Indian grocery store mixes are the way to go if you want spicy
Indian food without having to grind your own asafetida. Penzey's is
better if you're the sort of person who loves spices but not spicy food.
Their "curry mixes" page is covered with assertions that their
curry mixes are not hot, and that you should "sprinkle" the stuff
on your food. That's not Indian cuisine, that's high school cafereria
food where the mashed potatoes have red dust on top so you can tell
them from the tapioca pudding. Real Indian cookery can be achieved
by following the directions on the Shan or Badshah boxes -- where
half a box or even a whole box is used in whatever you're cooking.
It comes out real spicy (obviously many people will use a smaller
quantity of the masala) but it's a lot more interesting than Penzey's
approach, which more closely approximates British fast-food curry.
Penzey's seems to think Indian spice is the same thing as Mrs. Dash.
Heck, Penzey's doesn't even have _compounded_ asafetida, let alone
real asafetida! Whole Foods markets have the compounded stuff, and
Indian stores have the actual, nuclear-strength skunk-repellent stuff.
Nothing ever compares to going to an ethnic grocery store to get
your ethnic groceries. Indian restaurants don't buy from Penzey's,
they buy from the Indian store. If you do a lot of cooking, you
should know where your local Indian store, Chinese store, Japanese
store, kosher store, halal store, etc. are. I'm lucky enough to
live where I have a great selection of ingredient stores -- c'mere
sometime and I'll give you the grand tour, if you promise not to
pass out when you're overwhelmed by the selection of weird Asian candy.
-- K.
Not to mention the
fuh-reaky alien vegetables,
some of which are only
mildly poisonous.
(And then there's the
"beef leaves"...)
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Tue, 27 Dec 2005 07:07:59 -0500
John Schmidt (js@radix.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Nothing ever compares to going to an ethnic grocery store to get
> > your ethnic groceries.
>
> Yeah, but I live in Loudon County, where the closest thing to an
> ethnic grocery store is Taco Bell.
So tell me what you want, send me a PayPal payment, and I'll mail
you whatever food you need. Bear in mind that in Boston a can of
Coke goes for eight dollars. Postage is high here too -- a letter
requires one of those giant holographic $2.27 stamps -- so just
pick out what you want and send me approximately five times its
fair value and then I'll send it to you without making any profit
because I'm a nice guy.
-- K.
Also, our Taco Bells are
even worse than yours.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Tue, 27 Dec 2005 14:17:00 -0500
John Schmidt (js@radix.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Also, our Taco Bells are even worse than yours.
>
> Isn't this when we're supposed to have some kind of dance contest,
> like the ones in "West Side Story" and "Silence of the Lambs"?
I see it now: The two of us take turns smashing tacos against the
underside of tables and spilling Sprites across the counter to win
the affection of Rita Moreno, played by Mike O.
Whoever spills the most Sprites gets to have his skin.
Then we sing karaoke in front of Matthew Broderick's giant cable TV.
Finally, we kill Smoochy while yelling "I never saw Paris!"
We kill Jon Stewart, too, but that scene gets cut out because
apparently nobody wants to see Jon Stewart get killed.
During the closing credits, there is a montage of bloopers,
all of which involve us accidentally spilling Sprites down
Mike O.'s pants.
So what's the title?
-- K.
Also, our Arby's are even
worse than Hitler.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Sat, 24 Dec 2005 18:53:17 -0500
Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > [snip of good advice and Penzey's mockery]
Aaaaaand you're welcome.
> > Nothing ever compares to going to an ethnic grocery store to get
> > your ethnic groceries. Indian restaurants don't buy from Penzey's,
> > they buy from the Indian store. If you do a lot of cooking, you
> > should know where your local Indian store, Chinese store, Japanese
> > store, kosher store, halal store, etc. are.
>
> Wiblur and I are actually at the epicenter of ethnic grocery stores in
> the Salt Lake valley. At least 2 SE Asian, 1 Polynesian, 3+ Indian,
> and a Halal market with a mile radius.
That's a pretty good selection for an area where everyone is an
extremely white guy who looks like Dave Foley with a fresh haircut
and pressed necktie at all times. I know all about the Salt Lake
area because I passed through the Salt Lake City airport once.
It was full of non-Canadian Dave Foleys. I bought Krispy Kremes
from one and took them on the plane and thus confused the hell out
of the stewardesses. Plus it was only a week after the Olympics
had ended so Federal law required us to stay in our seats for
most of the flight whether we had to go to the bathroom or not
because they didn't want us to break into the cockpit and crash
the plane into the Olympics after pushing the secret button that
makes the plane travel back in time. (It was a Delta flight,
you know they have to have time machines on the planes so that
they can be late 103% of the time.)
So, anyway, after writing all about spices and sources of spices
and space spices in mices with mooses on the looses in the flagon
with the dragon with no pants, I developed a craving for curry,
so today -- to take advantage of the warm weather and lack of
crowds -- I went to some of the local specialty grocery stores
to get curry fixin's. I bought a package of masala for curried
hard-boiled eggs (one of my favorite types of curry, not many
restaurants offer it) but decided that today I just wanted to
work with hamburger, so I bought a brick of Japanese curry (it's
gooey and doesn't have as complex or intense a flavor as the
Indian stuff) and some ground beef. (This required visiting
three different markets, and annoyingly, the market around the
corner from my building has lousy ground beef so I had to go
out of my way just to get the beef.) At the moment I have this
cooking:
* 1.25 lb ground beef (browned)
* 7 oz Japanese curry mix (large brick)
* 3/4 bag frozen mixed vegetables
* dried onion flakes
* dried green pepper flakes
* kalonji
* water (Japanese curry bricks have to be dissolved in boiling water)
Not sure how it'll come out. But I'm sure it'll be good because
I didn't skimp on the kalonji. I love kalonji. They should make
kalonji-flavored Doritos.
I'm using the "medium-hot" curry mix rather than "hot" because
I'd rather add habanero sauce when it's finished. I know the
Japanese curry mix is somewhat lame as curries go, but I didn't
feel up to mixing Indian spices, ghee, and vegetable oil just
for some ground beef. I'm making a lazy curry just for myself.
(If I had guests I'd make a red curry -- either Indian or Thai --
with interesting vegetables and stuff, but you're not here
so I'm not required to make real curry. It's all your fault.)
I'd like to make my own Krispy Kremes, too, but I don't have
the right equipment -- you can make regular doughnuts into
Krispy Kremes if you have a pressure cooker filled with corn syrup.
-- K.
I forgot to buy mustard
seeds, I'll have to get
some before I do the
curried eggs -- I want
to add mustard seeds,
kalonji, and white poppy
seeds to the spice mix.
Because if you eat enough
seeds, it's like there's
a garden growing in
your stomach!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Sun, 25 Dec 2005 22:07:32 -0500
TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I love kalonji.
>
> Ummm - If I remember correctly, it's similar to oregano - but not quite.
> I've only had it in naan (tasty bread).
Your oregano is crunchy and black?
Kalonji look a lot like kurogoma (black sesame seeds), but have this
interesting tangy toasted onion taste with a tiny hint of licorice,
and yeah, they're good on naan. (So's everything else.) They're
good for anything you want to have a onion-bread flavor.
They're the seeds of some sort of alien plant that looks like fennel
(hence the onion/licorice taste), though the seeds don't look anything
like fennel seeds. Real kalonji are shaped like sesame seeds, but you
also see people attempting to pass off other black seeds as kalonji --
"kalonji" which look like dots are usually black mustard seeds and ones
which look like parentheses are some other black caraway/fennel thing.
Just to make it even more confusing, some people call the real
kalonji "black cumin" or "black caraway" but they really don't
look or taste like either. If they're kalonji, they look like
little guitar picks.
Lots of ancient Arabic writings say that kalonji have all sorts of
magical healing properties ("cure for all ailments except death")
though of course people say that about any tasty spice. I don't
think anyone has ever determined (through an actual controlled
study) that kalonji have any effect on people (though it's certainly
possible, because they probably contain some of the curcuminoids
that are known to have beneficial effects in other spices.)
But I think if I were dying of Lou Gehrig's Disease, kalonji
wouldn't be the first thing I'd reach for. (Hot peppers do whatever
they do a lot faster.)
-- K.
And asafetida does it
before you even open
the little can.
P.S. As I mentioned kurogoma, have you seen that they now make
a kurogoma-flavored Pocky? It's just the thing to eat if you want
to freak people out at the sight of asphalt-colored frosting.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Mon, 26 Dec 2005 16:19:23 -0500
TeaLady (Mari C.)" (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry 9kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Kalonji look a lot like kurogoma (black sesame seeds), but
> > have this interesting tangy toasted onion taste with a tiny
> > hint of licorice, and yeah, they're good on naan. (So's
> > everything else.) They're good for anything you want to
> > have a onion-bread flavor.
>
> Related to the buttercup plants, which grow wildly along my
> fence in the side yard. Also, thymoquinone is found in kalonji,
> which can hurt you bad in really high doses.
So can anything else. All these spices have all sorts of wacky
alkaloids and flavinoids and bonzonoids and would probably kill
you if you ate ten pounds in one sitting, which nobody in their
right mind would enjoy doing to start with.
So which spice is the most toxic? We know that people sometimes
make the mistake of trying to get high by eating big spoonfuls of
nutmeg (which basically causes horrible cramps and nightmarish
hallucinations for a week because it's so poisonous) and I can
think of certain other poisonous plants (i.e. "beef leaves")
which people enjoy eating in small quantities.
> Boring medical test stuff here
>
> http://www.kfshrc.edu.sa/annals/213_214/00-201.htm
Which says,
-> All animals [rats] fed with the six doses of N. sativa [kalonji]
-> tolerated the drug over the period of treatment and showed no sign
-> of toxicity or discomfort. Similarly, all doses (0.5 to 6 mg/kg)
-> of thymoquinone, except the dose of 8 mg, were tolerable and animals
-> showed no sign of discomfort or toxicity.Ê Most of the animals
-> injected with the highest dose of thymoquinone (8 mg/kg) died by
-> the end of first week of treatment. Animals which survived and
-> could tolerate the 8 mg/kg dose of thymoquinone showed signs of
-> peritonitis on opening the abdomen for blood extraction. Their
-> abdomen was full of fluid, pus and adhesions, and had a greenish
-> color all over.
Of course, I'm not a professional rat poisoner, or even a recreational
poisoner like the Marquis de Sade, so my knowledge of pharmacological
toxicity study methodology is limited, but...
I'm highly suspicious of any study which claims that 6mg is completely
harmless but 8mg always dissolves your intestines -- I mean, there
should be an LD50 somewhere. If 8mg always dissolves everyone's
intestines, 6mg should be hurting some of them too, or if 6mg is
always harmless, 8mg shouldn't always be deadly.
At least this study attempts to have a control group and so on.
Most of the studies which claim to find beneficial effects from
kalonji are from Arabic journals boiling down to "People who had
skin rashes were rubbed with kalonji, and later many of them were
better," meaning no control group and large dancing bears running
through the office screaming "PLACEBO EFFECT! PLACEBO EFFECT!"
in the patients' ears.
It's also worth noting that these rats were being given pure
thymoquinone injected right into their guts over and over.
The equivalent dose for someone my size would be >500mg injected
every day for a week, and that's a lot of seeds:
[http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa4091/is_200405/ai_n9452023]
=>
=> Essential Oils of Nigella sativa L. and Nigella damascena L. Seed
=>
=> Journal of Essential Oil Research: JEOR, ÊMay/Jun 2004
=> by Moretti, A, ÊD'Antuono, L Filippo, ÊElementi, S
=>
=> The seed oils of three accessions of Nigella sativa and N.
=> damascena, sown on different dates, were obtained by
=> Likens-Nickerson hydrodistillation and analyzed by GC/MS. The main
=> components of N. sativa oil were p-cymene (33.8%) and thymol (26.8%),
=> with only small amounts of thymoquinone (3.8%).
So the lethal daily dose of 500mg thymoquinone represents the oil from
nearly 100 grams of seeds being injected over a week -- when eaten,
probably not as much of the oil enters the bloodstream (some of the
seeds probably don't even get chewed) so I'd have to eat more than
100 grams (assuming the human dose corresponds to the rat dose)
and 100 grams is a hell of a lot of seeds. That's a two-dollar bag
of them from the Indian grocery store or Penzey's, and I don't think
there's much chance I will consume the entire bag within a year,
let alone within a week.
Like the curcuminoids from turmeric (the basis of all the "curry is
good for you!" news reports over the last couple years) various
studies attribute anti-inflammatory effects, and many other effects,
to thymoquinone. But come on -- any spice that is a tasty spice is
tasty because it has a complicated mixture of organic molecules,
it's likely that any spice contains a dozen different things that
have vaguely-defined, mild effects on the human body. Yeah, sure,
extracting pure thymoquinone from your kalonji and injecting it
directly into your gut might eventually kill you, but putting a
few kalonji into your sambhar or kadhi probably won't have an effect
any stronger than, say, eating a single Dorito.
One of the most frequent claims is that the thymoquinone-laced
oil from kalonji is good for kidneys, so Wiblur, in the name of
science I demand that you eat ten pounds of kalonji so we can then
cut you open and see whether your kidneys grew back or just turned
to the green goo that grows inside rats. That'll settle for once
and for all whether eating ten pounds of kalonji is better or
worse than eating ten pounds of New Improved Kidney-Destroying Drano.
The most absurd claim about kalonji: Wikipedia asserts that
kalonji smell like strawberries. No matter how hard I try to
imagine that, I can't figure out how anyone can get "strawberries"
from that smell.
-- K.
Well, onions are kind of
like fruit in that they're
both translucent and squishy,
so if kalonji are vaguely
oniony, then they must also
be kind of like strawberries!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Tue, 27 Dec 2005 00:39:08 -0500
TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> I'm thinking that some idiot, with an eye to being way cool
> and on the