From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Boston murder rate - Does Kibo have the Death Ray again?
Date: Sun, 18 Dec 2005 15:32:47 -0500
Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote:
>
> Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote:
> >
> > [news.yahoo.com]
> > ->
> > -> Murders Reach a 10-Year High in Boston
> > -> [...]
> > -> While the murder rate nationally has dropped over the past decade,
> > -> some cities - such as Boston and Philadelphia - are seeing it spike.
> >
> > Dang it Kibo, they're on to you! You should be leaving the Death Ray
> > at home when you party. Or at the very least, turn off the "Random
> > Fire" option.
>
> ah now, about that:
>
> / |
> |_| _ __ _
> | |_( |_____________ _____________|:::|__________________\_'_|___
> |` ||=====___________) |___________\___/______________________|(o)||
> \__|(o)| ||------------------------------------------------|||
> |__|___) || _______________________________ |||
> | || |_______________________________| ||)
> | ____ __||__()__) /________________________________|||
> | / ) ( /___ _/ / | RANDOM FIRE |||
> | | / \ /| |||*|`) | \ ||
> | | | | / | | | | / ||
> |_| | | `'. | .) | WACKY FIRE __||
> | | `'.___/___|_________________________/
> | | \\ \\ )| \ \
> |______| \\ // \ \
> |======| \\ _// \ \
> |======| \\ `` \ \
> |======| \\____________\ \
> |______| --------------\ \
> \ \
> \ \
> \ .'
> \ .'`
> (.'`
>
>
> you see the problem?
Pretend you're me, make a managerial decision. You find this
switch, what would you do?
As I see it, the problem is that the switch is pointing in both
directions at the same time, which violates the Pauli Exclusion
Principle, the Geneva Convention, and General Electric's patent
on those lightswitches that don't work but cause your basement
to make loud buzzing noises and catch fire.
Nice picture, but that's not my weapon of choice. Can you redraw it
to look more like a handful of Jarts dipped in habanero sauce?
Guns are for people who can't throw things very far.
And who can't shoot lightning out of their fingertips.
And who can't kill people by watching their old movies.
By the way, I heard that Mel Brooks and Ezio Greggio are making a
wacky parody of "Fight Club" officially titled "Fart Club". It's about
these two guys who take turns farting. Then they start a Fart Club.
Then they fart at the same time. Then they fart until the building
blows up. Then they fart. And Trey Parker and Matt Stone are making
a heavy-handed satire of "Fart Club" called "Mel Brooks And Ezio Greggio
Are Lesbians". And then I'd make a wacky parody of that where I shoot
lighting out of my fingertips because I'm Tadanobu Asano.
-- K.
Can you draw me an AR-10?
I'd like the black AR-10TBN
stock but the '50s-style
bayonet lug and three-prong
flash hider, please. Also
get some hippies to put
flowers in the muzzle because
I only want the rifle so
I can get free flowers.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Xmas shopping
Date: Sun, 18 Dec 2005 15:47:35 -0500
TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> Well, I went and did some chopping at a lo cal mall this
> afternoon, and managed to get a few last-minute things
> purchased. And while doing so, I was treated to the sight of...
> X-Antivirus: avast! (VPS 0550-4, 12/16/2005), Outbound message
> X-Antivirus-Status: Clean
The sight of your articles always being mangled by your antivirus
software? At first I thought it was the fault of my local news
server that your articles always come out with those wacky headers
after the first paragraph, and the blueberry topping in the middle,
but Google Groups has them that way too. So I think your computer
is avasting all over you behind your back. Check your VPS reports.
> A very fat man pushing a stroller. Wearing sweat pants.
Okay, now you're getting VPL mixed in with your VPS. Ewwwwwwww.
> Leaning over and talking to wee child as he did so. Oh so cute.
> BUT his pants were half-way down his ass, with more butt-crack
> than a plumber would be comfortable showing, showing. Hell,
> those pants were so low he might have been winking at the world -
> if my eyes were healed up more, I might have gone blind seeing
> that.
You're supposed to be looking at the baby, not the ass, you perve.
Even if he were just pushing an empty stroller, you'd still be
obligated by the unwritten Constitution of society to keep all
gaze above the waist. Nobody wants you to start looking below the
belt because then we'll have to start keeping our flies zipped.
> What is with people now a days, huh ? Can't they tell their ass
> is exposed by, at the least, the frigid blast of cold air that
> hits it as they ramble past open mall doors ? Or the horrified
> shrieks and thunking of bodies as shoppers keel over in agony at
> the sight ?
See, there's your problem. You're assuming that fat people
don't enjoy allowing you to look at their nudity. The truth is,
everyone enjoys allowing you to look at their big fat ass,
whether they have one or not.
And it's mean of you to be prejudiced against fat people. You should
be fair and complain about looking at everyone's asses.
> I wished, really wished, at that moment, that I had a firearm
> that shot large corks. So I could plug that butt. Or even some
> caulk, seal that crack right up. Instead, I ducked into the
> dollar store and bought some tinsel.
That only works if he's a cat.
They need to start selling digestible tinsel for homes that have cats.
It could come in delicious flavors cats would like even better!
That would like like owning a Roomba that ate all the tinsel off
the floor, and was a million times more intelligent.
-- K.
You should always carry
a cork with you. Cork
is funny, ha-ha!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Xmas shopping
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 01:35:57 -0500
TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> X-Antivirus: avast! (VPS 0550-4, 12/16/2005), Outbound message
> X-Antivirus-Status: Not-Tested
[large green square "movie computer" lettering slowly appears accompanied
by "bleepity-bleepity-bleepity-bleepity-bleepity-bleepity-BOOOOOOP":]
URGENT ALERT: THIS MESSAGE'S ANTIVIRUS STATUS IS . . . . . . . . . . :
*** N 0 T ***
*** T E S T E D ***
[the lettering begins blinking, accompanied by neon-sign buzzing noises
as it blinks]
"Not tested? What does that mean?"
"It means hang onto your nuts, because it's payback time, and this
time, it's alt dot personal!"
[Cut to moldy old billboard outside which says "bleepy computer lettering is
the slightly modernized version of the dopey old 'spinning newspaper' thing".
The billboard falls over and crushes several kitties.]
> [...]
>
> I told the damn thing to not add meesages to outbound news and
> mail - it randomly adds them anyhow. I have re-fiddled with it,
> hopefully it is fixed.
>
> It is the only damned thing Avast does that drives me buggy.
>
> Bet there is one in this post.
>
> Shit.
There's only one way to make your antivirus software stop complaining
it's not finding any viruses in your messages. Get off your butt and
put in some fucking viruses already. Your software wants to find
viruses, and you're not playing along.
I'll supply you with a pirated bootleg warez copy of the super-elite
Trojan Horse malware virus worm hacker steganography Web bug spyware
doomsday exploit that once caused an incredible ruckus among WebTV users:
CLICK HERE YOU IDIOT
I seem to recall someone actually went to jail for posting that to
alt.online-service.webtv. Fortunately, we now have real terrorists
to be afraid of so as a nation we no longer worry about people causing
minor nuisances to the four bozos who ever owned WebTVs, so there's
no chance of me getting in trouble for saying
CLICK HERE TOO YOU IDIOT
unless someone figures out a way to make it do
CLICK THIS YOU TWIT
-- K.
Fun fact: The Weather Channel's
Dave Schwartz has the dubious honor
of being the still picture displayed
continuously by the WebTV emulator
for at least six years.
What other famous weathermen have
been turned into still pictures
embedded in software emulators?
Does Stella have a well-hidden
picture of Lloyd Lindsay Young?
Is Al Kaprielian in my EDSAC?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: To Whome It May Concern....
Date: Sun, 18 Dec 2005 16:04:44 -0500
husamal_ahmadi@yahoo.com spamvertised:
>
> Hi EveryBody:
>
>
> For all the poeple who are intersting to protect them kids from all the
>
> sexuall based web sites they can use this new software.
>
>
> This software is magnifecant it has the ability to control more than 10
>
> billion web site.
>
>
> This software called Http watcher. It can control all web sites through
>
> the internet by entering just one word from the web site name. It does
> not depend in any kind of proxy. For example if you enter word yahoo to
>
> protect your kids from entering www.yahoo.com, If your kids or what
> ever try more proxies to enter to yahoo they will never and ever enter
> yahoo web site until you disactive the functulity of the http watcher
> or you delete yahoo from the program database.
Or just type "yahoo.com CNAME 127.0.0.1" into the hosts file.
You're welcome.
My method works just as well as yours, too, as you can only get
around it by 583 different methods, such as typing Yahoo's numeric
IP address.
An even better method is just to remove the "y" from the keboard.
> Also If you want to control all the web sites including word sex in its
>
> name all what you have to write is word sex.
And if you want to stop the kids from looking at pornographic pictures,
all you have to do is draw a picture!
So what do I have to do if I want to stop my kids from ever looking
at anything that can't decide whether or not it's double-spaced?
Please tell me because I am interested in being a parent who spends
no time with their kids but wants to control their lives constantly.
Using bad software is so much easier than just talking to kids about
acceptable and unacceptable behavior or moving the computer into the
living room or chaining the kid to the bed.
-- K.
It's a good thing these
programs never actually
work, or the kids would
start going to the public
library to look at porn
just like everyone else.
HI DON SAKLAD!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 02:49:26 -0500
I had let my maroon hair gradually fade to light orange over the past
month and a half, and in that time I had also bleached twice, so recently
I was a sort of orangish-blond (the bleach never gets out all the orange,
and the yellow really sticks, so I had lemon-yellow hair with orange
highlights.) So today I put some color back in.
Currently I am Special Effects Hi-Octane Orange, which is a rich fluorescent
red (like the color of your car's cigarette lighter. Actually, it's redder
than that. It's the color you see if you press the cigarette lighter
directly into your eye socket.) The red should fade through fluorescent
orange over the next two weeks. This is a shade which doesn't have a
Manic Panic equivalent (Special Effects Napalm Orange is similar to
Manic Panic Electric Lava, but Hi-Octane Orange is a different color) and
it wasn't my first choice, but I had a bottle lying around, and I figured
now was a good time to try it since I'm planning on doing something drastic
(such as recutting my hair into a Mohawk, or shaving it all off) around
New Year's for the hell of it. (It's getting long enough that it needs to
be cut, so I might as well butcher it in some way, it grows back fast enough.)
I don't really think I can do a successful Mohawk -- for one thing, I'm
old enough that I would probably look really stupid in a '70s punk cut,
and for another, it would have a bit of a gap in the middle -- but it's
something I should try as long as I'm expecting to have to cut my hair
anyway (winter's always a good time to shave your head, so you don't
get hat hair.) I figure if I do that experiment, at best I'll come
out looking like W. Morgan Sheppard and have to get a pink van with
a revolving globe that says "BIG TIME TV".
(That's how old I am, I remember both Max Headroom and real punk-rockers
during the '80s. Of course the real heyday of the punk look was in
England in the late '70s, but in my part of the USA it didn't really
surface until about 1982. My high school only had two punkers, one
with a really huge fluorescent yellow Mohawk. Those were the days,
back when it was possible to be the only weird-looking person in all
of upstate New York -- kids these days don't know how much bolder a
statement the old fogeys were able to make when they invented that
look in the 1970s. I mean, that was even before everyone had realized
that disco sucked!)
Hmm, you know, being mistaken for W. Morgan Sheppard wouldn't be such
a bad thing. I could tell people my name is "A Mad Animal" and nobody
would get it because, I mean, who was able to sit through that movie?
Or I could learn one of W.'s speeches from "Babylon 5". I forget how
those went, they were all something like "FEEL THE LIFE FORCE EBBING
AWAY... EBBING... EBBING... EBBING... EBBING... EBBING..." except better.
The only problem with having a Mohawk is that I wouldn't be able to
wear my Roman centurion helmet over it. We'll see if that causes any
social difficulties in the new year.
Anyway, you can probably guess that the real reason I'm telling you
about advance plans for doing something ridiculous with my hair next
month is that it'll keep me from chickening out (or just being too
lazy to do it.) At the moment I still have my usual "Paul Darrow
as Caligula" haircut, which looks fine, especially when I wear a
ski mask over it. But it is a wonderfully insane shade of nuclear
red which perfectly compliments the icy colorlessness of my eyes.
I never wear my red contact lenses. They just look too dopey, and
completely fake. Very poseurish, with a cartoony quality that doesn't
compare to the natural disturbingness of my own eyes. Fluorescent
red hair good, red contact lenses bad. Also, they're not my
prescription, and nobody likes to see a guy bumping into things
just so he can wear ridiculous contacts. I should sell them to some
Anne Rice fan or someone who needs to join the "Attempted Goth"
community. Hey, anybody want to buy some used contact lenses?
I swear I've only had them in my eyes when they're not in their
case, I've never cleaned them by spitting on them.
-- K.
The wonderful thing about
alt.religion.kibology is
that I can say "who was
able to sit through that
movie?" and have it take
on an additional layer
of specialness because
I'm sure that at least
50% of you weirdos will
raise your hands to
shamefully brag that you
_did_ pay to see "Marat/Sade".
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 14:33:36 -0500
Cam (cam.barr@beer.com) wrote:
>
> Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote:
> >
> > Also, why can't people quote some decent dystopian stories for a
> > change when they are protesting. In "quote" I mean actually act out
> > pivotal scenes from A Clockwork Orange, Rollerball or THX 1138.
>
> Renew! Renew! Renew!
If I ever put on an old-timey hockey mask, you can be damn sure that
_that_ won't be the movie I'm planning on re-enacting. Besides, nobody
takes you seriously if you commit axe murders while wearing a glittery
figure-skating unitard. I'M TALKING TO YOU, DAVE FOLEY.
I've noticed that some DVDs now have a new version of the legal disclaimer
at the beginning. Everything used to say "The interviews and commentaries
do not necessarily represent the opinions of (name of movie studio)", but
now one studio is putting "The interviews and commentaries are for
entertainment purposes only," in case anyone tries to sue them after
taking stock tips from "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo". Every day of
my life I am thankful that "Fight Club" was released before they thought
of putting prohibitions on what we can do after we watch movies.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go out and buy some more lye.
-- K.
If the movie "Fight Club"
didn't exist, I'd have to
invent it out of stone
knives and bearskins.
Logic is a little bird
that smells bad.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 21:37:52 -0500
[on re-enacting movies, which is more fun than talking about hair dye]
pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go out and buy some more lye.
>
> I have to return some video tapes.
You can't, I already crashed a big gold ball into the video store.
Sorry, I'm always one step ahead, because everything you know, I know.
I'm your evil twin, except I'm not real, and also, sorry about blowing
up your apartment and all the White Castle wrappers in your giant
revolving computer-animated wastebasket. I'm in your brain. I'm a
tumor named Videodrome -- whoops, wait, I forgot for a second that
"Videodrome" wasn't the same movie as "Fight Club" despite the two
movies having almost the same title except for the words.
I'm not sure whether David Fincher's "Fight Club" or David Cronenberg's
"Videodrome" is the movie I spend the most time accidentally re-enacting,
but I'm sure it's one of those two. I stand by my assertion that they
should show little kids "Fight Club" instead of "Paddle To The Sea".
I just saw Fincher's "The Game", which was the same movie as "Fight Club"
except dumber than "Gymkata". Seriously, did David Fincher direct that
film with a multiple concussion and a stomachful of whatever drug makes
you the stupidest? Still, it was good to see Deborah Karr Unger with
her real eyebrows, which are slightly smaller than the incredibly freaky
giant diagonal eyebrows she had in "Crash".
I refer you to my earlier complaint that women who shave their eyebrows
so they can draw them back on with a grease pencil look like they're
from another planet, or David Cronenberg movies. Next time you run into
one of these women with troweled-on eyebrows, ask her to stage an
erotic car crash for you, unless you'd rather have her re-enact "The Game",
which would be hard to do because you'd have to find an all-night store
that rents evil clown ventriloquist dummies.
What if Fincher and Cronenberg directed a movie together? I think it
would go something like this:
SAM DONALDSON, with extra-large eyebrows, sprouts a new penis
from his forehead. CAMERA FLIES THROUGH the urethra.
Then SAM uses a medical instrument shaped like CTHULHU to
rip open one of his twelve rectums and CAMERA FLIES THROUGH.
I should get a job writing for David Cronenberg. I mean, I can
pull scenes like that out of any of my asses!
Either that or I should just start a company which charges rich
guys millions of dollars to play The Game but not tell them that
we're just going to be re-enacting "Gymkata". I'll be back in
a little while, I gotta go pose all the flag ninjas now.
-- K.
What sort of aptitude test
do you have to fail to be
a flag ninja?
"Paddle To The Sea" needed some
flag ninjas. And a naturally-
occurring pommel-horse.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 22:57:28 -0500
Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > 50% of you weirdos will raise your hands to
> > shamefully brag that you _did_ pay to see "Marat/Sade".
>
> And 30% of the rest of us will lie and say we saw it for free in college,
> just to avoid looking illiterate.
You went to college for free? Gawrsh! You must be either a super-genius
or a hippie!
I don't think I ever saw any entertaining movies in college. In fact,
the only movies I remember seeing in class (bear in mind that I was in
a lot of scriptwriting courses) were Oliver Stone's "Eight Million Ways
To Die" (terrible), "Three Days Of The Condor" (mediocre), and one
episode each of "Get A Life" and "Small Wonder" (the latter was shown
to us just to reassure us that anyone could write a better script.)
It was in elementary school and Cub Scouts where I got exposed to all
those movies that burned themselves deeply into my subconscious --
about a dozen showings of "Paddle To The Sea" (they rented
that one over, and over, and over) and for the rare occasions when
they couldn't get "Paddle To The Fucking Sea" they got that film
about the otter, or the film of "Homer Price And The Amazing Doughnut
Machine". Plus once there was that one about bear conservation at
Yellowstone (bears who break the rules about staying out of pic-a-nic
baskets get a yellow stripe painted on their face the first time, and
shot the second time, if I remember correctly) and one showing of
"It's A Wonderful Life". Plus various propaganda films about
terrible things happening to kids who don't wash, such as that one
I mentioned a while back about the wicked witch who uses her magic
powers to make kids play football in the mud until she's convinced
to take a kinky bubble bath. (I still demand to know the title of
that one... if it rings a bell with anyone, please let me know.)
I think that if instead of "Paddle To The Sea" they had shown
"Marat/Sade" a dozen times I would not now hate tiny French-Canadian
toy canoes. And by the way, THAT'S NOT PADDLING, THAT'S FLOATING!!!
Oh yeah, once in junior high they made us watch the movie of
"Rumble Fish" because I had this teacher who was obsessed with
S.E. Hinton and that semester we had to real all those books.
Here, I'll summarize the entire S.E. Hinton Very Special Books
About Troubled Teens canon: "Oh no, he smoked a 'reefer', and
now he's dead! Oh no, he bought a leather jacket, and now he's
dead! Oh no, he drank 'booze', and now he's dead!" I kept
wishing Judy Blume would beat the crap out of S.E. Hinton.
Judy Blume rocks, man. Her and Daniel Pinkwater. But they
never let us read Daniel Pinkwater.
Further showing my age: I was in high school during the year that
_every_ class felt it was vitally important for all of us to read
a certain tedious George Orwell novel due to the calendar having
the same digits on it in the same order. I was simultaneously
assigned "1984" in three different classes (I think they were English,
British Literature, and some satire class taught by a humorless
asshole who got upset when people used slang.) Oh, that jogs
my memory, another movie we saw was the first half of "Catch-22"
because said asshole teacher somehow thought he could show a
three-hour movie during two one-hour classes. (I like both the
book and the movie.)
"Catch-22" still feels relevant, but can we please finally admit
that "1984" is a joyless, awkwardly-written, pompous, hectoring screed?
Hell, even Ayn Rand made fun of "1984" -- you know you really have
a board up your ass when even Ayn Rand is writing parodies of you.
-- K.
It's amazing that Steve Jobs
never became a Randroid.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 21:16:26 -0500
[on school eduganda films]
Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote:
>
> Perhaps you are too young to recall "The Wood Ducks' World" showing the
> hatching of 6 wood ducks and why the world is not overcome with the wood
> duck population. In graphic detail. Popular jr high stuff, like the
> Tacoma Narrows bridge and the flea circus film.
Never heard of "The Wood Ducks' World", though I do recall "Lame Ducks",
which was the John Turturro film an entire issue of National Lampoon
was devoted to plugging sometime in the '80s. The issue contained about
twelve identical ads for the movie, which was then vaulted and later
released under a different title that only implied it was lame rather
than stating it outright. ("Brain Donors") It was nice to see someone
attempting to make a new Marx Brothers / Three Stooges movie, but
they forgot to first travel back in time fifty years so they could
release the movie back when people were still sitting around thinking
"You know, the original five Marx Brothers weren't enough! Let's make
up three more so they can aspire to the greatness of Zeppo and Gummo!"
It had its moments, and at least it was short (it was edited down to
74 minutes by the time it was eventually released) but come on,
why did anyone ever even try to promote a movie called "Lame Ducks"?
"The Wood Ducks' World" sounds like something Phil Dick would write
after receiving a letter from the Audobon Society saying, "Dear Phil,
we know you're too poor to donate money, so please instead donate
an original science-fiction story about ducks, preferably written
under the influence of at least two of the following: speed, LSD,
heroin, and Percodan." It would depict the tyrannical reign of
ducks enslaving humanity and forcing all sailors to go pantsless
like Donald Duck.
-- K.
And then Hollywood would buy
the rights to the story and
make it into a movie called
"Lame Ducks".
I say we should get Graeme Garden,
Bill Oddie, and Tim Brooke-Taylor
to make a hilarious parody of
"Lame Ducks". With Rowan Atkinson
as Margaret Dumont!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 00:01:05 -0500
Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > "Catch-22" still feels relevant, but can we please finally admit
> > that "1984" is a joyless, awkwardly-written, pompous, hectoring
> > screed? Hell, even Ayn Rand made fun of "1984" -- you know you really
> > have a board up your ass when even Ayn Rand is writing parodies of you.
>
> Also, why can't people quote some decent dystopian stories for a change
> when they are protesting. In "quote" I mean actually act out pivotal scenes
> from A Clockwork Orange, Rollerball or THX 1138.
That's not protesting, that's foreplay.
It's hard to keep up with the William Tell Overture in "A Clockwork Orange",
but the scene near the end where they're drowning Alex has a good beat
to beat people to. There should be more violence involving Moog stings.
Your list of three movies is a good a start, but how many other dystopian
movies can you name that involve large quantities of black leather pants?
Were they in one of the scenes that got edited out of "Brazil"?
I wanted to be one of the cops from "THX-1138" last Halloween but I couldn't
find a silver mask that didn't look crappy. And I couldn't wear a
"Rollerball" uniform because I didn't want to show up to the party
wearing the same thing as Bob Elliott.
-- K.
Does "Danger: Diabolik"
count as a dystopian movie
because of the costumes?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 22:33:50 -0500
Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote:
>
> Why don't they call it "Special Effects Fluorescent Red That Fades To
> Hi-Octane Orange"? Or does the hair dye industry refer to what color
> you hair will be in a week instead of what it is now? Is there a
> "Faded Jet Black With Natural Roots?"
This is why there's a market for both relatively weak (Manic Panic)
and relatively strong (Special Effects) dyes. With the Manic Panic,
if the stuff in the jar is lavender, it makes your hair lavender,
then fades away in less than two weeks. With Special Effects, the
stuff in the jar usually looks like fudge, and makes your hair something
halfway between fudge and the color you wanted, then over the next
week fades to the color you wanted then sticks around forever no
matter how many thousands of times you bleach.
The thing about colors is they don't work the way people kept lying
to you in third grade -- the color wheel is a crock. In the real world,
bright yellow paint mixed with bright blue paint won't give you bright
green, you'll get dingy dark green. And with dyes, "pink" is the
weaker version of "purple" and "orange" is the weaker version of "red" --
the stuff that's currently in my hair is the color of dried blood when
it's in the bottle, but when diluted a billion to one with water it's
a nice bright orange. Currently there's enough of it in my hair so
that my hair looks red rather than orange.
I got a lot of great reactions to the fluorescent red hair today, it's
really making quite an impression. Bright reds and oranges always get
more positive attention than any other colors I've tried.
> Do you ever dye your eyebrows?
No. Besides the obvious risk of getting bleach or dye in the eyes,
there's the issue of the skin on that part of the face being very
sensitive so there would be unpleasant burning sensations, and
eyebrows have so little hair (and such fine hair) that you'd probably
just wind up staining your skin to add a tiny amount of color to your
eyebrows, and most importantly, people have a lot more facial expression
when they have dark eyebrows (just ask Steve Martin.) So I leave
my eyebrows blackish but bleach and dye everything else above the neck.
Women who want darker eyebrows usually just shave them off and then
draw them on with a horribly fake-looking crayon. That looks as
ridiculously fake as if a man shaved his head so he could wear a wad
of Play-Doh for a toupee. I've got nothing against temporary body art,
but you can't pass off a couple of black stripes as actual eyebrows.
Another problem with dyeing eyebrows would be that they grow and shed
so fast, because the hairs are so short, that even if you managed to
give them a good dye job it'd be gone in about a week. They should
invent a pill that lets people grow their eyebrows as long as they want
so that Dr. Seuss fans can sculpt them into crazy shapes, because nothing
makes people look as insane as having big curly eyebrows. If you don't
believe me, look at Andy Rooney.
-- K.
"look at Andy Rooney" is slang
for "get bleach in your eyes".
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 13:42:13 -0500
barbara@bookpro.com wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > The thing about colors is they don't work the way people kept lying
> > to you in third grade -- the color wheel is a crock. In the real world,
> > bright yellow paint mixed with bright blue paint won't give you bright
> > green, you'll get dingy dark green.
>
> WHY DO YOU HATE THE COLOR KITTENS?
It's Play-Doh that hates kitties and other living things. Ever tried
to follow their directions for making orange by mixing red and yellow?
You get this lousy pastel peach (because Play-Doh is opaque, mixing
the two colors will give you something with half as much red pigment
and half as much yellow pigment as the original colors. Opaque stuff
like Play-Doh gets pale when you mix it.) I think the people who wrote
the little color mixing chart on the Play-Doh wrapper when I was a kid
had the philosophy, "Eh, screw the kids, lying to all the children
in the world is easier than actually selling more than four colors."
Nowadays the Play-Doh company has figured out that they can make more
money by selling actual orange Play-Doh instead of telling you to
attempt to make your own colors. (Why did it take so long for them
to realize that they needed black Play-Doh?)
Now, 50% white Play-Doh plus 50% black Play-Doh actually does make
medium gray -- one of the few color combinations in the Play-Doh
spectrum which works the way the grown-ups lie to you about colors --
but just try making gray by mixing 50% white paint with 50% black
paint. You'll get something which is indistinguishable from black
without a spectroscope.
I think a lot of this emphasis on teaching kids bogus color theory
about "the three primary colors" derives from Friedrich Froebel's
original kindergarten syllabus. When he invented kindergarten,
the first lessons -- for the first six months or so -- revolved
around six colored woolen balls, with one of the activities being
to twirl the red one and the yellow one together so they looked
orange. Of course, that being Germany, these lessons led to a
whole nation of architects obsessed with making everything out
of red, yellow, and blue cubes. Lego-colored Bauhaus architecture
seems to be making a comeback around here, Boston's gotten several
new buildings in the past few years that look like that.
(See Norman Brosterman's wonderful book "Inventing Kindergarten"
for more details on how Froebel's educational ideas shaped the work
of Le Corbusier, Mondrian, Frank Lloyd Wright, etc. -- reading that
book was the only way I could figure out why my kindergarten classroom
had all those boxes of brightly-colored wooden triangles nobody
ever did anything with. I think I've mentioned the book before,
but it's an important read for anyone who wants to realize just
how lame modern American early education is compared to what it
was named after.)
The two lasting influences of Froebel's kindergarten system seem
to be this obsession with the idea that you can make colors by
mixing red, yellow, and blue, and a bunch of songs like
"I'm A Little Teapot" and "Happy Birthday". Unless you happen
to have gone to a Montessori school, in which case you may
have been exposed to some of Froebel's actual teaching methods
and are probably too smart to be reading this, or at least busy
playing with your Lego Mindstorms.
(How many of you folks are too young to have ever played with a
bunch of identical wooden cube-blocks? I miss wooden cubes.
Nowadays kids' toys all have parts that can break, get lost,
or be swallowed, but wooden cubes were indestructible and
harmless, unless you threw them, which is probably why Froebel
started kids with the colored deedlee balls before letting
them get their hands on the harder stuff.)
Personal pet peeve: When people refer to something in some shade
of blue as "primary blue". This might mean cyan (which is primary
in the CMYK printing process) or ultramarine (which is often primary
painters' color-wheel systems) or a medium blue (which is primary
on your RGB computer screen.) In other words, any shade of blue
from the greenish end to the bluish end of the entire range of blues
gets called "primary" under various circumstances, so specifying
that the blue you want is "primary blue" is just as meaningless
as saying "I don't want just any blue, I want the _color_ blue!"
You can usually make these people's heads explode by asking them
"So do you want your primary blue accented with warm gray, or
cool gray?" 'cause they'll also think gray is a neutral color
whereas in real life there is no such thing as neutral gray 'cause
of light bulbs and stuff.
For more of my personal philosophy about color, push my "rant"
button any day.
-- K.
People don't care enough about color,
which is why they let big corporations
take all the bright colors away from them.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 21:59:40 -0500
Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote:
>
> [...]
>
> They should invent a pill to give the rest of us these fine- and
> sparse-haired eyebrows of which you speak. And one that makes them stop
> growing up your forehead like ivy.
You know, they already invented that pill in convenient scissors form.
Also in convenient tweezer form.
I notice that as I age, my little silky-soft eyebrow hairs are
gradually being invaded by longer, stiff hairs. The big chunky
hairs grow much longer than the fine ones. I don't mind them so
much, it's the ones inside my ears that I wish would not grow
back after I yank them out. If science ever figures out how a
hair can grow back after being pulled out and thrown away, they
should harness that power to give your garden an inexhaustible
supply of carrots.
-- K.
Have you considered just
doing like Whoopi Goldberg
and losing your eyebrows
in a Transporter accident?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 21:26:31 -0500
Captain Infinity (Infinity@captaininfinity.us) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I got a lot of great reactions to the fluorescent red hair today, it's
> > really making quite an impression.
>
> How many people asked you for a Big Mac?
I did get one woman who yelled (in a sarcastic voice, in Target)
"OOH LOOK, IT'S SANTA!" because apparently Santa is a skinny guy
with a leather jacket and red hair. I was tempted to say, "No,
I'd need to gain about a hundred and fifty pounds to be Santa.
But you'd be perfect!" but chose to turn the other cheek instead
because I didn't want to embarrass her in front of her little kid.
(He might not yet have figured out that his momma's nearly spherical.)
The stunt I've been pulling for the past two days is to go places
while wearing all black except for a bright red ski mask. Then if
people stare at the ski mask, I pull it off and reveal that my
hair and beard are exactly the same color. People always find it
highly disturbing when your hair matches your clothes.
I'm highly tempted to start performing as a street mime while
wearing the brightly-colored ski mask, because then I'd watch
people's brains melting from the cognitive dissonance of one
hemisphere needing to stare at the brightly-colored mask and
the other hemisphere needing to ignore the annoying street mime.
-- K.
Hey Japan, I think I just
invented something more
irritating than butoh!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 03:46:14 -0500
Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I'm sure that at least 50% of you weirdos will raise your hands
> > to shamefully brag that you _did_ pay to see "Marat/Sade".
>
> HA! Shows what you know. I have it on video tape.
The DVD's better because it's random-access so that you can skip
directly over your favorite scenes to get to the end faster.
For some reason, you just can't make a good film out of an immersive
avant-garde theater experience. Plays tend to make lousy, stiff,
stagey, slow movies, even when they're not plays which involve the
actors locking the audience in an insane asylum and running up and
down the aisle screaming and naked. When you watch an actual play,
you get to decide what to look at, but when you watch the movie
of "Rope", you have to look at whatever Hitchcock's pointing the
camera at. Also you can't hold out much hope for seeing someone
flub their lines in an interesting way.
Avant-garde theater like "Marat/Sade" should be about "HEY, AUDIENCE!
WE'RE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU AND WE'RE GOING TO FUCK WITH YOUR MINDS!"
but watching a film of a theatrical show conveys more the impression
of "Oh, so this is what people who like this sort of thing used to
go see in person back when they were still performing it." The
dangerous animal has been crushed flat and turned into a photograph of itself.
I will grant that the movie of "Marat/Sade" is ambitious and clever in
its attempts to depict the immersive experience of live freaky theater,
but I got bored with it quickly -- now if I had seen it performed live,
with W. Morgan Sheppard actually shouting at me personally, I might
have been excited enough to make it all the way through. From this,
we can conclude that no movies should ever be made of plays -- they
should just keep plays open forever so that nobody needs to settle
for the movie version.
So do you think they'll ever do a live stage version of that new
movie, "The Producers"? I'm not sure how well that would fly,
because it's got a dancing Hitler in it, and putting dancing Hitler
in a play would make it a bad play.
Now back to the much more important subject at hand: The Marquis de Sade.
Movies like "Marat/Sade" and "Quills" always seem to take the point of
view that the poor Marquis was persecuted by big meanies because he
dared to write satire. How come they've never made a movie about his
actual life, which would be much more interesting because he was a truly
sick, evil bastard? (No, he did not get thrown in prison just for
writing ribald Benny Hill sketches about corrupt priests. It was
because he enjoyed poisoning prostitutes. If you believe that the
poisoned-licorice incident was just an accident during one of his
naughty romps, I refer you to the various times he wrote about his
fantasies of watching women dying of poisoning, such as in "The 120
Days Of Sodom".) He'd make a fascinating biopic, providing you got
Anthony Hopkins to play him. Or better yet, the late Lawrence Tierney.
(Sorry, Internet fanboys, you can't have Christian Bale. Too handsome.)
To sum up:
* Movies of plays suck.
* Movies about the Marquis de Sade suck.
* DVDs are better than VHS but DVDs still suck.
* Everything else sucks too.
* If Marat goes with Sade, then who goes with Leopold von Sacher-Masoch?
Kraft-Ebbing? The Velvet Underground? Richard Loeb?
* The movie "Mishima" is quite good, but I haven't read Mishima's book
about Madame de Sade, so I'm not qualified to drag him into this.
Instead I'll just brag that I didn't connect the dots between
Hitchcock's "Rope" and Richard Loeb because that would have been
too obvious. Also, because I'm busy making a cameo in "Titus Andronicus".
-- K.
How come Leopold & Loeb
never got a sitcom?
Every week they could
bungle the murder of
a different person.
The perfect cast would
be Monty Burns and
Waylon Smithers, plus
a chimp for comic relief.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hair color update #20051218a.
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 07:28:33 -0500
Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Now back to the much more important subject at hand: The Marquis de Sade.
> > [...] He'd make a fascinating biopic, providing you got
> > Anthony Hopkins to play him. Or better yet, the late Lawrence Tierney.
> > (Sorry, Internet fanboys, you can't have Christian Bale. Too handsome.)
>
> sounds like a job for Mark Hamill, to me.
Hey, if you somehow combined the Criterion DVD of Passolini's
"Salo: The 120 Days Of Sodom" with the original, un-digitally-enhanced
Laserdisc of "Star Wars", you'd have a disc of some sort which
would sell for more than everything else on eBay _combined_.
The early Criterion DVD of "Salo" is one of the few Criterion discs
ever to have gone out of print, and because it's an out-of-print
Criterion disc of a movie based on something some old French sicko
wrote, it commands a higher price than any other DVD, ever. Usually
legit copies go for about $550, so lots of people try to pass off
Brazilian bootlegs as the real thing. I've never seen it, so I
have no idea whether it's overrated by $540 or by $545.
> > * DVDs are better than VHS but DVDs still suck.
>
> gyahhh. if you sometimes watch DVDs with a full 5.1 system, but then
> also watch sometimes watch them on a TV (with the stereo DVD audio
> signal jammed down into mono), and have to dick about with telling the
> damn thing to play in stereo instead of 5.1 so's that any dialogue in
> the centre channel doesn't vanish into the aether, and then ALSO try
> to get the damn thing to take the audio from stereo DVDs (in 5.1 mode)
> and take the bass to the sub, THEN you get to complain about how they
> suck. RRRRRRRRRAAHHHHHH.
Young man, your puny 5.1 system would still be inadequate for playing
my full quadraphonic DVD of "Tommy". That's why I suggest we don't
even try to play the DVD. I'll just come over and we'll re-enact the
entire movie ourselves. Be sure you've got the bathtub filled up by
the time I get there.
> > * If Marat goes with Sade, then who goes with Leopold von Sacher-Masoch?
> > Kraft-Ebbing? The Velvet Underground? Richard Loeb?
>
> The Communards.
Fine, then tell me: In a fight between the Velvet Underground and
the Communards, why wouldn't I just go watch my "Tommy" DVD instead?
And that leaves Richard Loeb unpaired with any other popular
or alternative musician, so we'll put him with Lisa Loeb,
except I don't think she'd be happy about having to leave
her nerd glasses next to the corpse they're disposing of.
Kraft-Ebbing can go with Heinz Edelmann, and the two of them
can animate a movie filled with psychedelic flying Velveeta
and 57 dancing pickles playing 76 trombones, but instead of
a quadraphonic soundtrack it'll just have the secret emergency
backup replacement Monkees standing in for the real Monkees.
Also Jack Nicholson will have a cameo as the slice of salami
from "Codex Seraphinianus". (That's my favorite page in that
book, though the plot's a little thin in that section.)
-- K.
Unless we let Ken Russell
direct it, in which case
Jack Nicholson will be a
giant salami that
Roger Daltrey rides.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Interesting slam on Wikipedia
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 03:10:42 -0500
plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote:
>
> Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote:
> >
> > [...]
> >
> > You asked me before what I thought was better than Wiki:
>
> A real live trained librarian with access to print and online resources.
Dude, that's not fair. You've got a roomful of people arguing about
whether McDonalds or Burger King has the best food and you gotta blow
through waving a Chatta Box menu over your head. You get one point for
being sensible, but minus one point for being so sensible that
you make people who aren't as sensible as you seem not as sensible
as you. So that gives you a net balance of zero points, which I
will hold in escrow until you take me to Chatta Box for a Golden Banana.
Also you can help me figure out which disturbs me more, the really
bad painting of antique sports memorabilia over the toilet (the
perspective is from the ninth dimension, the golf ball has the
dimples tessellated wrongly, objects aren't to scale, etc.) or the
plastic starfruit tree outside the men's room (seriously, if you're
shopping for a plastic tree, who ever says "I think it should be a
plastic _starfruit_ tree!"?)
-- K.
Oh, and by the way, the Encyclopedia Britannica sucks, and the
Boston Public Library sucks, but that doesn't mean the Boston Public
Library would become good if they burned their Encyclopedia Britannica.
They'd become good if they did something that made Don Saklad fall
out of his chair in an amusing way.
Both Wikipedia and the Encyclopedia Britannica are just like
the "...for Dummies" books except they don't even admit that
only a dummy would ever need to look anything up. Me, I was
born with all the trivia I'll ever need, in accordance with
Plato's Ninth Paradigm Of Cosmic Knowledge, which he first
stated in "Blivtheria Marginalis Ex Smarto" in 4932 BC.
-- K.
The extra "K."
is just to
throw you off.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: So which country's next?
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 07:55:06 -0500
A couple weeks ago, France was having non-stop Muslims-vs-everyone-else riots.
This week, Australia's been having non-stop everyone-else-vs-Muslims riots.
So, which country's next?
I call dibs on Mexico in the betting pool. Who's hanging onto the $1,000,000
I'll get if I guessed right?
Should Mexico not descend into chaos within the next week, my backup
guess is Norway. Because it's damn cold up there.
For those of you outside the USA who want to know what's happening here,
currently the biggest news story is that New York City is worried there
might be a labor strike by the people who pee on stuff in the subway.
No chance of rioting here for the next three weeks, but once the fifth
season of "24" premieres in January things might be different -- if it's
even more ridiculous than the fourth season people might burn down all
the Fox TV stations demanding more realistic programming like... um...
quick, someone name a TV show that's realistic.
-- K.
I vote for Mr. Rogers.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: So which country's next?
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 23:19:11 -0500
Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > This week, Australia's been having non-stop everyone-else-vs-Muslims
> > riots.
>
> A couple of beaches in Sydney does not equal "all of Australia". The police
> have it locked down now according to my friend Corey who was in the area
> last weekend.
Oooh, excuse me for using the invisible words "all of" in that sentence
in the fourth dimension.
Let me correct the definition of "all of Australia" so as not to offend you:
A couple of beaches in Sydney PLUS THE OUTBACK equals all of Australia.
I've seen maps. Australia's just ten million pounds of outback with
a couple beaches next to it. I bet Australia doesn't even have a subway
system across the Outback yet!
Also, Australians don't understand the proper use of quote marks.
This is because they're all descended from lepers. Remember when they
separated the lepers from the hemophiliacs and sent the lepers to
Australia and made the hemophiliacs England's Royal Family?
Those were the days, before they started just shooting them into space
to save money.
-- K.
"fart"
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Important Message from the Department of Hate
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 23:12:34 -0500
[concerning Home Depot]
"Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote:
>
> [...] My local HD only hires mouth-breathing booger-eating fucktard
> idiots who are pathologically afraid of customers. If and when you do
> manage to corner one, they usually crumple into a heap,wetting themselves
> and the floor.
Hey, I have an idea. Let's go shopping. You and me.
I'm bringing my camera. And a little scorecard so we can keep track
of which of us caused the most nervous breakdowns. (You bring the
mini-golf pencil.)
I so hate Home Depot -- they're one of the companies I just avoid
doing business with because they deliberated ripped me off over and
over. I wish it were easier to get to the local Lowe's, because
they have a better selection, the store is better organized, and
most importantly, the items are actually the prices the shelves
say they are, they don't sell used items as new, they allow you
to return stuff after you were overcharged, etc., etc. I can say
nothing good about Home Depot. Nothing. They're even sleazier
than Montgomery Ward/Lechmere used to be, in all the same ways,
except that instead of their logo having that inexplicably creepy
"MW"-kissy-lips ligature they have a logo with an inconsistently-drawn
stencil "M" in the middle of it. NEEDS A NOTCH, GUYS!
Unfortunately, I do have to buy stuff at Home Depot from time
to time because there aren't many alternatives. I really wish
they'd move the Lowe's closer.
Also, we need a Wal-Mart. And a White Castle.
-- K.
And my own Death Star.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Christmas music that needs to go away.
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 23:38:36 -0500
The master copy of "Jingle Bell Rock" needs to be placed inside a
hermetically-sealed crystal octahedron and launched into a black
hole on the far side of the Galaxy where the laws of physics prevent
music that bad from escaping.
I really hope the geniuses who chose to claim that "Jingle Bell Rock"
was "Rock" never get around to attempting "Jingle Bell Rap".
Also, does Santa Claus come down Santa Claus Lane faster than
Peter Cottontail comes down the Bunny Trail? And where those
two roads intersect, can we drop a nuclear bomb? (Not that I
have anything against Elvis, but come on, even he couldn't
make "Santa Claus Lane" into anything better than a cover of
a cloying Gene Autry song.)
So I nominate "Jingle Bell Rock" and "Santa Claus Lane" as the
two Christmas pop songs I never want to hear again.
On the other hand, each of them is marginally better than a
constant million-decibel scraping noise, though I know some
DJs who would disagree. I wish I knew the titles of all the
constant scraping noises so I could complain about them too.
I will grant an exception and allow "Jingle Bell Rock" to be
played in the movie "School Of Rock 2: Christmas Boogaloo"
where Jack Black will travel around teaching people the true
meaning of Christmas by beating sense into them about "Jingle
Bell Rock" being a song from the dorkiest dimension of Hell.
-- K.
Seriously, what about
"Jingle Bell Rock" makes
it an attempt at rock?
Even when it was written
in 1957, people probably
said, "Ayyyy, that song's
to square to be rock,
ayyyyyy, sit on it!"
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: crabby
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 01:43:39 -0500
Yes, I _know_ I've been in a crabby mood the past couple days.
It's not your fault. If it has to be anyone's fault, it's Francis Bacon's
fault (I chose him because his name sounds delicious yet wussy.)
But don't worry, I'm sure that in a few days or weeks or years I'll
be back to normal and perfectly KILL KILL KILL KILL DESTROY ALL EARTHLINGS
BLOW UP THE MOON EAT MORE VEAL KILL KILL KILL FART ON THE SUBWAY KILL
KILL KILL CANCEL "STAR TREK" FOREVER THIS TIME KILL KILL KILL cheerful.
Here is a cartoon I drew showing all the Earthlings being destroyed:
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
Oh, hell with it, you can draw the bottom half yourself. It looks just
like the top half except it has stuff in it. Scary stuff.
To get you started, here's a syphilis bomb you can drop in the cartoon:
__ _____________
\ \/ MR. SYPHY \
/_/\_____________/
And to make the cartoon even funnier, here are some smileys you can
put after the punchline:
:-)
:-) :-) :-)
:-) :-)
:-) :-) :-)
:-)
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
:-)
:-) :-) :-)
:-) :-)
:-) :-) :-)
:-)
Fun fact: Every time anyone types a smiley, it costs the Internet
eight thousand dollars.
Here are some more.
___ ________________
\ \/ MR. SMILEYBOMB \
) :-) :-) :-) :-) )
/__/\________________/
Go ahead, I dare you -- drop it and yell "Smileys made a boom-boom!"
-- K.
If saying ":-)" costs $8,000,
then saying "$8,000" costs
$16,000, and saying "$16,000"
costs $18,666.67, and saying
that costs $29,333.33, which
costs another $29,333.33,
and before you know it we're
talking about costing the
Internet real money.
How come Scrabble doesn't
have punctuation tiles so
we can find out what a
colon is really worth?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: crabby
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 20:57:28 -0500
TomH (address@my.sig) wrote:
>
> Hong Ooi (hong@zipworld.com.au) wrote:
> >
> > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > Yes, I _know_ I've been in a crabby mood the past couple days.
> >
> > Never fear, Kibo! Here's some happy news just for you:
> >
> > http://www.happynews.com
> >
> > It's about time that people woke up to the fact that HappyNet is now.
> > (I'm kinda surprised that noone posted this before.)
Argh blah yuk, I don't even need to go look at that Web site to guess
that it won't cheer me up. Plus I think I saw it several years ago
when someone posted that before.
> Happy? News? Happynews? That is just SOOO wrong!!1!!!!~1
>
> News should always be about hate and anger and retribution
> and revenge and scheming and plotting and executing and loss
> of blo0od and disabling karate chops and grinding teeth and
> migraine headaches and crashes of automobiles and trucks and
> buses and motorcycles and boats and airplanes and cynicism
> and negativity and distrust and more hate and bitterness and
> dark and disouraging defeatism and death and pessimism and
> spite and apathy and malice and ridicule and MORE BITTER and
> exasperation and malevolence and depair and depression and
> ridicule and suspicion and that's just the headlines.
Ah. That's the sort of thing I was hoping someone would post to
cheer me up. Thanks, Tom.
To make it even better, can we work the words "impending doom",
"poisonuggets", "prolapse", and "electrothanasia ray" into that?
> Just *wait* until I get started on all the gory details.
I can't wait!
I'm just trying to figure out why I underlined "know" in my sentence
quoted above. Lately I've been trying to be more sparing with my
use of emphasis (to force myself to write more meaningfully) and
I can't understand why last night I thought I needed to hit a gong
during the word "know". That sentence would have worked better as
any of these:
_Yes_, I know I've been in a crabby mood the past couple days.
Yes, _I_ know I've been in a crabby mood the past couple days.
Yes, I know _I've_ been in a crabby mood the past couple days.
Yes, I know I've _been_ in a crabby mood the past couple days.
So please tell me why you boldfaced the word "wait" by putting stars
around it in case it helps me understand why I underlined "know" by
putting lines to the left and right of it, with blueberry topping in
the middle.
advaTHANblueberrytoppingKSnce.
OH NO! THE "WHATZIT?" IS COLLIDING WITH A DROODLE AND THE JUNIOR JUMBLE
AND "ISAAC ASIMOV'S SUPER QUIZ"! AND THE MASSIVE DEVASTATION IS CAUSING
CAPITALIZATION! WE'RE DQQMED EXCLAMATION POINT EXCLAMATION POINT
EXCLAMATION POINT WHOOPS MY FINGER SLIPPED ONE ONE ONE CARRIAGE RETURN
CONTROL P YES I KNOW POSTING THIS WILL COST THE INTERNET HUNDREDS IF
NOT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS YOU STUPID COMPUTER GIANT EXCLAMATION POINT!!!!!
DEAR INTERNET, STOP MAKING ME SHOUT AT YOU!
-- K.
What's brown and sounds
like a bell?
A BROWN BELLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Quote o the Day
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 21:38:24 -0500
Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote:
>
> "They had to surgically remove the pencil from my buttocks."
>
> - Child on Judge Judy
Please turn off the hot child-on-judge action and watch something
more wholesome instead. Like I think over on Mary Baker Eddy's
TV channel there's some show where a kid says he had to pray
for the pencil in his buttocks to spontaneously disappear.
Then there's a candy commercial where the kid moans, "Do I have
to have another M&M?" when Gabe Kaplan enters with a rubber hose.
You know, I just realized that in the 21st century, Gabe Kaplan is
now a more obscure reference than Mary Baker Eddy. Why did Gabe Kaplan
vanish from the landscape of insipid pop culture?
Also, there should be a channel where every minute would consist of
a 30-second commercial followed by thirty seconds of the stars of the
commercial being beaten with rubber hoses. It would get great ratings,
people would happily watch that enormous number of commercials just
to see everyone in them get what they deserve.
The best thing on that channel: Burger King ads.
"Hi, I'm the King, and I'm meatnormous, and... OW! OW! OW! OW!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP BEATING ME! OW! OW! OW! PLEASE DON'T HIT
MY GIANT PLASTIC FACE! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! I APOLOGIZE FOR SAYING
'MEATNORMOUS'! OW! OW! OW! OW! WAAAH STOP HITTING ME, RONALD!"
Come to think of it, they could just alternate between the Burger King
and Ronald McDonald beating the shit out of each other and everyone
would be happy. Also they could have a fight between the Dave Thomas
who's dead and the Dave Thomas who's drunk. And Colonel Sanders
could get pecked to death by chickens over and over and over.
Why won't anyone put me in charge of a major TV network?
-- K.
Hey Burger King,
I'm gonna get
meatevil on your ass!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Noun-like objects and other wordglobs.
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 03:00:56 -0500
Hey.
I'll be posting a very typical episode of "The Special Show!" this
Christmas, and for the first time ever, I'm taking content suggestions
from its special audience!
NOTE: "THE SPECIAL SHOW!" IS BROADCAST ONLY TO MENTAL ASYLUMS FOR
THE PACIFICATION OF VERY SPECIAL PATIENTS. DO NOT CONTINUE READING
THIS ARTICLE UNLESS YOU ARE AN ESPECIALLY PATENTLY SPECIAL PATIENT.
I want members of the special audience to throw out some nouns.
Also to tell me some nouns. A noun is any person, place, or thing
which should have a scene about it. For instance, if you say
"waffle iron", your Christmas surprise might include a scene where
Genghis Khan and Ben Franklin have a fight to the death with
waffle irons, but it probably wouldn't be that scene because that
would be too obvious. So mention some random nouns like "waffle
iron", "Bactrian earthworm", "oregano", "Jack Nicholson's first face",
"Cheerios", "invisible cummerbund", and "Tiny Rooney" then *Y*O*U*
might be thrilled and *S*U*R*P*R*I*S*E*D* to see *Y*O*U*R* idea
plagiarized in "The Special Show!" this Christmas!
Now is the time to post your followup. Write your favorite noun in this space:
[ ] <--- NOUNS GO HERE, AND NOT OF THEIR OWN FREE WILL, YOU MAKE 'EM GO
No cheating and using a time machine to find out what I'm going to
write -- you'll find out at the same time I do, when I proofread it
after posting it. Do not expect me to write whatever you expect me
to write. Expect the strange... the bizarre... the unwanted.
I'm Jack Palance on behalf of Bab-O. Bab-O. It's a noun.
Buy some nouns today and give them to me. This has been a recording
and I told you not to read this.
-- K.
Some days I feel like everyone
wants me to be Tom Lehrer,
which is too bad because I
don't even know who he is.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Letterman's stalker du jour
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 14:24:50 -0500
[www.freenewmexican.com]
->
-> Letterman lawyers: End Santa Fe claim
->
-> By Jason Auslander
-> The New Mexican
-> December 21, 2005
->
-> Late last week, a Santa Fe District Court judge signed a temporary
-> restraining order against talk-show host David Letterman alleging
-> he has tormented a city resident for more than 10 years by using
-> code words on his television program.
I think he just likes saying "pants", "meat", "ass", and "ham" over and
over and over and over and over and over and over because he can't get
sued for copyright infringement if his signature catchphrases are just
single words he picked out of the dictionary.
(Webster's Dictionary Of Parts Of A Man Where The Bathing Suit Covers.)
-> Now lawyers for Letterman are asking District Judge Daniel Sanchez
-> to quash the "unusual" order on the grounds the complaint by
-> Colleen Nestler is "without merit," according to a motion filed
-> Tuesday.
->
-> "Celebrities deserve protection of their reputation and legal
-> rights when the occasional fan becomes dangerous or deluded,"
-> Albuquerque attorney Pat Rogers wrote in the motion.
What about celebrities who _only_ have deluded fans? You know,
like that person who sang that song nobody liked. You know who
I'm talking about.
-> [...]
->
-> "The claims made are obviously absurd and frivolous," said Jim
-> Jackoway, Letterman's attorney in Los Angeles. "This constitutes an
-> unfortunate abuse of the judicial process."
->
-> In the application for the restraining order, which was filed
-> Thursday, Nestler alleges that between May 1994 and now, Letterman
-> forced her to go bankrupt and caused her "mental cruelty" and
-> "sleep deprivation."
I... see. So, now we can sue over "sleep deprivation" if someone's
TV show is on too late at night and appears only on TVs that we
can't figure out how to turn off? Uh oh, this means the courts will
be flooded with lawsuits over "The Big Brother / Juiceman Power Hour".
-> Nestler -- who lived in Nevada, New Jersey, New York City, Maine
-> and Santa Fe during that period -- requested that Letterman, who
-> tapes his show in New York, stay at least 3 yards from her and that
-> he not "think of me, and release me from his mental harassment and
-> hammering," according to the application.
The "think" part is the best part. It's a brain restraining order!
Letterman could solve this whole matter by just applying for a
restraining order that tells her to not be insane. That would work
like magic!
-> Nestler's application was accompanied by a typed, six-page,
-> double-spaced letter
(which I expect to see on TheSmokingGun.com precisely ten seconds from...
nnnnow.)
-> in which she said Letterman used code words, gestures and
-> "eye expressions" to convey his desire to marry her and train her
-> as his co-host. Her story also involves Regis Philbin,
-> Kathie Lee Gifford
Don't forget Bob Hope.
WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF BOB HOPE? Okay, since nobody's
thinking of him, I'm filing a restraining order demanding that
people stop not thinking of Bob Hope.
-> and Kelsey Grammer, whom Nestler says either supported or attempted
-> to thwart her "relationship" with Letterman, according to the letter.
It's okay, she can always foil his evil plans by tricking him into
singing the entire score of "H.M.S. Pinafore" in front of a giant
Union Jack appearing out of nowhere. Either that or just wait for
him to step on a million rakes.
-> Nestler wrote that she began sending Letterman "thoughts of love"
-> after the Late Show With David Letterman began on CBS in 1993.
Well, she may be a nut, but at least she's never watched NBC.
-> "Dave responded to my thoughts of love, and, on his show, in code
-> words & obvious indications through jestures (sic) and eye
-> expressions, he asked me to come east," she wrote.
->
-> Then, three days before Thanksgiving in 1993, Letterman asked
-> Nestler to be his wife during a televised "teaser" for his show
-> when he said, "Marry me Oprah," Nestler wrote in the letter.
So how does he refer to Oprah? "Uma"?
"Whoopi"?
-> "Oprah had become my first of many code names," she wrote.
-> "... (A)s time passed, the code-vocabulary increased & changed,
-> but in the beginning things like 'C' on baseball caps referred
-> to me,
THOSE DAMN CHICAGO CUBS, TRAVELLING BACK IN TIME TO FOUND THEIR
TEAM JUST TO TELL SOMEONE THAT DAVID LETTERMAN IS WATCHING THEM
THROUGH THEIR TV SET!
You know, so much heartbreak could be prevented by just passing a
law requiring people who want to buy TV sets to pass a test
demonstrating that they understand that the people on TV can't
actually see you.
(People who think Pat Sajak can see them are the only ones who
wear clothes while watching "Wheel Of Fortune".)
-> and specific messages through songs sung by his guests, were the
-> beginnings of what became an elaborate means of communication
-> between he and myself."
->
-> [...]
->
-> In his motion asking Sanchez to quash the order, Rogers said the
-> District Court lacks jurisdiction over Letterman, Nestler never
-> served Letterman with the necessary restraining-order papers, and
-> she didn't meet procedural requirements for issuing a temporary
-> restraining order.
Yeah, but at least she's more competent than any of the other eight
women who have stalked Letterman. None of them has been able to
file a paper with words and ampersands on it and stuff.
How come the funny late-night hosts never get stalked? Did
Letterman stop being funny around 1986 just so he could get
more stalkers? Is Jon Stewart being funny just to keep
stalkers away? Did Dennis Miller start stalking himself
when he went insane?
And where the hell's my late-night show? Dammit, I'm tired of
asking you people to put me on TV. I should be on TV _now_.
Remember, you need to put me on TV if you want to be able to
turn me off!
-- K.
And why won't Adam from
"MythBusters" admit he's
receiving the secret
marriage proposals I'm
beaming into my TV set?
P.S.: Just in case Mr. Letterman is reading this, here's some stuff
he'll find hilarious:
PANTS HAM ASS MEAT PANTS HAM ASS MEAT PANTS HAM ASS MEAT IMMIGRANTS
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Letterman's stalker du jour
Date: Tue, 27 Dec 2005 19:24:27 -0500
An update to the most important news story of the week:
[www.newsday.com]
->
-> Judge tosses restrain order against NY talk show host Letterman
->
-> By Barry Massey
-> Associated Press Writer
-> December 27, 2005, 4:05 PM EST
->
-> SANTA FE, N.M. -- A state judge has lifted a restraining order
-> granted to a Santa Fe woman who accused New York talk show host
-> David Letterman of using coded words to show that he wanted to
-> marry her and train her as his co-host.
->
-> Judge Daniel Sanchez on Tuesday granted a request by lawyers for
-> Letterman, host of CBS' "Late Show," to quash the temporary
-> restraining order that he earlier granted to Colleen Nestler.
->
-> She alleged in a request filed Dec. 15 that Letterman has forced
-> her to go bankrupt and caused her "mental cruelty" and "sleep
-> deprivation" since May 1994.
->
-> [...]
->
-> Nestler appeared in court without a lawyer and represented herself.
It's interesting how crazy people always insist on being their own lawyers.
Me, I'm perfectly sane, because I'm my own barber.
-> Responding to a question from the judge, Nestler said she had no
-> proof of the allegations she had made against Letterman.
->
-> She also said that if Letterman or any of his representatives came
-> near her, "I will break their legs" and establish proof of her
-> allegations.
Actually, I think that might improve Letterman's show. He'd have
more of those wheelchair fire-extinguisher races. And Dean Kamen
could visit to give him a high-tech new wheelchair and Dave would
ask if any of the parts were made by those pinheads at G.E.
-> Nestler said after the court hearing that "I have achieved my
-> purpose. The public knows that this man cannot come near me."
Ah, the old "Not only am I my own lawyer, but the joke's on you
because I _meant_ to make a fool of myself!" tactic.
-> She also said that her comment about breaking legs "is not a
-> threat."
A pun?
-> "I appealed to the court for a restraining order to keep this man
-> away from me, but now that's been denied me," she said. "He has
-> access to me. He can actually come for me or send people. He has
-> many accomplices. I know this sounds crazy. I was crazy to have
-> listened to him in the beginning."
And now she's saving time by acting as her own psychiatrist!
Of course, if we've learned nothing from "M*A*S*H", it's that
nobody's crazy if they can still ask themselves whether they're
crazy. So by admitting she's crazy, she can't be crazy, which
means she can't get out of the Army because of Catch-- LALALALALALA
I AM NOT FINISHING THIS SENTENCE "M*A*S*H" WAS NOT RUSHED INTO
PRODUCTION AS A CHEAP KNOCKOFF OF AN ALAN ARKIN MOVIE LALALALALA
Well, at least Klinger was a completely original character,
since there was no Lebanese-American guy in "Catch-22" wearing
a dress to get a Section 8. Yep, Klinger was completely
original, except that Lenny Bruce was a Lebanese-American
who wore a dress to get a Section 8, but that was completely
different because it was the Navy not the Army and also
Lenny Bruce was real and Klinger was fictional so it's not
even physically possible to compare them so Klinger was not
stolen from Lenny Bruce's autobiography LALALALALALALALALALA
-- K.
Hawkeye Pierce has been
sending coded signals to me
by doing Patch Adams's act.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Letterman's stalker du jour
Date: Wed, 28 Dec 2005 19:03:37 -0500
"Rev. Jones Says \"Drink More Koolaid\"" (lawtoniww@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > An update to the most important news story of the week:
>
> I KNOW COLLEEN NESTLER.
Biblical sense or "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" sense?
> When I lived in Taos, NM around 1993, she used to come to an open mic I went
> to, where she sang bizarre songs about David Koresh being the Easter Bunny,
> her mother being a toaster oven, and this one that went
> "BOSNIAAAAA.....BOSNIAAAAAAA....BOSNIA....WHO IS DOING THE KILLING AND WHY?"
> over and over again until the host made her get off the stage.
David Koresh was the Easter Bunny? Hmm, that explains a lot. Like the
way I haven't gotten any Easter eggs for at least ten years, and that
peculiar New York Post headline "WACKO WACO BUNNY TOASTS HIS BUNS".
> She once called the cops on a kid named Ezra. Colleen had been living in the
> park during the winter, and two friends of Ezra let her stay at their house.
> Ezra was over there hanging out, and Colleen locked him in the bathroom and
> called the cops. When they got there, she accused him of trying to seduce
> her with subliminal eye blinking messages. Yeah. She said she knew he was
> doing this because she had a PhD in neurology.
I think the process of getting a PhD is enough to make anyone crazy.
Stay away from anyone you know who has any sort of degree with a mixture
of capitals and lowercase.
Who do PhDs feel the need to cram that extra letter in there?
I don't refer to my Bachelor Of Fine Arts degree as a "BaFiAr".
It should be just "PD". Especially if they're also a cop.
Also, "Rx" is not a good abbreviation for "prescription".
It's an abbreviation of a completely different Latin word meaning "king".
And that prescription only works if you've got King's Evil and need
a king to smack you on the forehead to get rid of it. Thankfully
few people get King's Evil these days because you can only get it
from the Easter Bunny.
-- K.
I have a plan to take over
the United States by spiking
the nation's water supply
with the virus that causes
King's Evil.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Letterman's stalker du jour
Date: Wed, 28 Dec 2005 23:23:06 -0500
David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I think the process of getting a PhD is enough to make anyone crazy.
>
> Seconded.
I was going to make a reference to Ernie telling Bert, "I seven your
PhD!" but "seven" needed to have InterCaps so I spelled it "Se7eN"
and then Oscar The Grouch told Big Bird to look in the garbage can
and he found Elmo's head but that was too easy so instead I said
something ending with "...that was too easy!" because that way I
could also quote other things John DeLancie said inside a pinball
machine like "Someday you're going to have to learn to play pinball!"
because after all he has an InterCap in his LaST naMe. Then the word
"LaST" has a boxing match with the word "NeXT" while Steve Jobs cries
and something something something iPod Nano up Steve's ass but
iPod NaNo up Robin Williams's.
> > Stay away from anyone you know who has any sort of degree
>
> or name
>
> > with a mixture of capitals and lowercase.
Someone established in years past that your name had a "homosexual spelling"
(I forget, he may have actually said "HoMosexual spelling") so now here's
the BiG question: What are the differences between sissy homosexual spelling,
straight-acting homosexual spelling, and butch homosexual spelling? Quick,
inspect Graham Chapman's old typewriter ribbons for clues. Also, which
page of "On Beyond Zebra" is the kinkiest?
Speaking of pinball, the old Tekhan video game (arcade) "Pinball Action",
when its graphics ROMs are inspected, reveals a lot of extra sprites:
Frames of a ball with a heart in the middle, and a lot of frames of a
striped kitten posed as if to push something, such as a ball with a
heart in the middle. So, is there any secret mode in "Pinball Action"
where pussy comes out and smacks your balls around?
If it's a normal part of the game, it doesn't happen at anything
which might be an obvious trigger -- not at 10,000,000 points,
not at "Special" (completing all boards), not at 99 bonus, not at
5x multiplier. And there don't seem to be any mystery DIP switches
I can throw. So are the kitten graphics sad remnants of some
Easter Egg that has no way to activate it, like how the Centipede
ROMs contain the leaping grasshopper that was removed from the game?
"Pinball Action" is full of mysteries. There's that little flower-bud
thing that appears at random, containing either 50,000 points, 10,000,
or a little sign with two Japanese characters (if I read it correctly,
that would be "suka" meaning "sucker") but there are other touches
which are incomprehensible. Is there any significance to the way
fire-hair-girl's diadem changes color after visits to the red, blue,
and green boards? Does it mean anything when she winks? (By the way,
the green artifacts which sometimes appear in her hair aren't a flaw
in your emulator, those color screwups were also in the arcade game,
just like the navy blue board in "Ms. Pac-Man".)
-- K.
DAMMIT I WANNA SEE THE SECRET KITTY!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Mystery pinball kitties (was: Letterman's stalker)
Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2005 00:49:25 -0500
I just wrote:
>
> Speaking of pinball, the old Tekhan video game (arcade) "Pinball Action",
> when its graphics ROMs are inspected, reveals a lot of extra sprites:
> Frames of a ball with a heart in the middle, and a lot of frames of a
> striped kitten posed as if to push something, such as a ball with a
> heart in the middle. So, is there any secret mode in "Pinball Action"
> where pussy comes out and smacks your balls around?
Because I have been deluged with literally quintillions of messages
(for a small value of "literally") asking me what the heck I'm talking
about, here are some diagrams:
Pinball Action:
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_pinball_action_norm.gif
Pinball Action sending not just one, but two secret stalker subliminal
signals -- a wink and the diadem has changed color:
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_pinball_action_wink.gif
A dump of one of the game's graphics sets:
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_pinball_action_spri.gif
An animation I built from three of the frames of the mystery cat
to show what said hypothetical cat might look like if he actually
did anything:
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_pinball_action_cat.gif
Note that in the dump of the graphics set, all colors are arbitrary --
because I have no palette information for the cat since the game
doesn't normally display him -- so I picked colors for the palette
that made the kitty pretty.
So tell me, video pinball weenies, what does it all mean?
-- K.
P.S. As long as I have the emulator running...
The graphics set of Centipede:
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_centipede_sprites.gif
My reconstruction of the lost grasshopper:
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_centipede_grasshopp.gif
You will now have nightmares of a three-legged grasshopper
with one of his legs joined directly to his nose.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Dalek Standup show
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 14:39:14 -0500
Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote:
>
> Monroe, of course... (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote:
> >
> > Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > He pronounces it like "earl". I say "U R L". How do you pronounce it?
> >
> > 'toe-may-ter'
> > or 'pom-mo-doe-roe'
>
> You say tomater, I zader matermorts.
Worst "Star Wars"/"Harry Potter" slash-fic ever. "The Revenge Of
Zader Matermort" was poorly-written and the illustrations got the
sizes of the body parts all wrong. And, ecccccch, the Internet
doesn't need any more stories about Harry Potter getting a dick
in his ear.
Why can't you people write something wholesome instead, like a
story where the Pink Panther meets Snagglepuss?
-- K.
Or the Grinch meets Hoodoo?
That guy from "The Mask"
could be in it!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Dalek Standup show
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 18:58:11 -0500
Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> [...]
>
> Where do they mine whitespace?
In any solar system where the Planet Of The Negroes is trying to overthrow
The Galactic Over-Honkie.
It's fun to say "Planet Of The Negroes" because saying it means I
just thought up a phrase which is stupid in a new retro way.
It's new _and_ it's retro -- just like "Star Wars"! Except that
"Star Wars" would never have a planet which had non-white people.
Or more than one type of terrain. Or a weapon that could defeat
an old guy with a neon sword, like maybe, you know, a cannon
or a bomb or even something that can just fire two laser beams at
once so that they can't both be blocked by the old guy who can
move his Lite Brite sword faster than laser beams.
Where were we? Oh, yeah, whitespace. What do you think was the
very whitest sci-fi show ever? I'm guessing "Land Of The Lost"
or possibly "Automan". Unless "Automan" gets disqualified for
already receiving the award for Gayest Sci-Fi Show Ever.
Hmm, this calls for some fanfic where Avery Brooks visits the
Land Of The Lost and kicks the asses of Fake Brady Dad,
Fake Brady Boy, and Fake Brady Girl.
-- K.
Or, he could be Automan's
Autopimp, and turn him out
as the first ho who is
also a pimpmobile. Come on,
you know that'd be an
improvement over another
formulaic episode where Automan
had to infiltrate a crime ring
of Chippendales dancers.
Sure, black street pimps
with tricked-out cars are
formulaic too, but the
twist is that the Autopimp
would actually be willing to
hang out with Desi Arnaz Jr.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 22:01:14 -0500
Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> I just got back from my new kidney doctor. I changed because the old one
> wasn't the best communicator and had a bad case of Doctor-speak. The new
> one is cool, very knowledgable and translates what he says into normal
> human language.
So which word does he say instead of the technical term "urine"?
And does he write it on a blue index card so he can hold it up whenever
he says it? If so, run, your doctor's Charles Nelson Reilly!
> We're waiting for all the results to come back, but he was able to give a
> pretty good diagnosis by just doing the maths in his head.
>
> He estimated that my kidneys only have 13% function remaining. 15% or
> less is considered transplant worthy. We will know for sure when the
> computer finishes crunching the numbers, all the test results get back,
> etc.
>
> You might think that this would be a major bummer, but since I have been
> living in limbo for the last 4 years, knowing it is coming, it's actually
> a relief. Of course, I don't have any living donor candidates that I can
> call on, so I may have up to another three years of waiting after they
> put me back on the transplant list.
I'm sorry to hear your kidneys have gone on strike. Bad kidneys!
You two should be nicer to your man.
Kidney transplant surgery can't be fun, especially what with being
forbidden to pee for eight weeks after surgery to give your new kidneys
time to calibrate themselves.
It sucks to have any sort of organ failure like that, since human
parts aren't as interchangeable as they would be if I designed them.
I now give myself until January 1 2010 to patent Velcro-Covered Human Organs.
The other downside to having kidney failure is that, when you tell
people you have kidney failure, you must be getting sick of hearing,
"Oh, I know all about that because my cat has it too! You stop
eating dry cat food!"
On the bright side, if you like kidney pie, autocannibalism is legal.
Be sure to tell the doctor "no formaldehyde".
> I get to go in during the first week of January to get signed up for
> dialasys. That will pretty much suck, since I will have to spend 2 hours
> a day, three times a week getting my blood scrubbed and polished, but at
> least I'll have plenty of time to do some reading. One thing I was very
> concerned about was that it would take our every spare penny to pay the
> bills, but I was told that once you are on dialasys, you automatically
> qualify for medicaid, so it won't cost us anything.
Plus you get all the free sausage casings you'll need! But you might
want to rinse them out first before making your autocannibalistic sausage.
(True: The earliest dialysis machines used sausage casings as the
membrane, since they were porous cellulose in a convenient weiner shape.)
The hardest part of dialysis is that you have to try not to laugh
when the auditor makes you hold the two tin cans connected to the E-meter.
> Also, apparently, I get to have a heafty-cool bionic implant in my arm
> for them to plug me into my new best friend. (Actually not really bionic,
> but it sounds cooler when you call it that.)
You should be able to get a discount if you get a second one put in
at the same time so you can do scrotal inflations whenever you feel
like it.
Assuming you have the balls for that.
> Also, also, did I mention that I heartily endorse organ donation?
You don't want mine. I don't drink, so my liver and kidneys wouldn't
know what to do with alcohol if they saw it. What you need to do is
find someone who drinks but not enough to ruin their kidneys. Also,
be sure you get a pair of kidneys that aren't pee-shy so you won't
cause a screeching halt at the Golden Shower Festival.
-- K.
I'm just assuming that there
is an annual Golden Shower
Festival. I mean, how could
there not be? It's a
perversion, so there must
be a festival for it.
I bet it's at Niagara Falls.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Fri, 23 Dec 2005 21:21:11 -0500
Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I'm sorry to hear your kidneys have gone on strike. Bad kidneys!
> > You two should be nicer to your man.
>
> Somebody please tell my kidneys to stop reading Kibo's posts as though
> he's talking to them. Even after sitting on my SPECIAL BUTT CUSHION and
> then peeing again, I still feel like I should go buy a Stadium Pal before
> trying to go anyplace but the bathroom, and they don't sell Stadium Pals
> in my bathroom.
Yo, Glenn's kidney's, stop it or I'll kick you.
I'm not sure what a Stadium Pal is, but I imagine it's something involving
an external catheter and a leg bag, for sports fans who were too lazy to
insert a Foley before the game.
Yeah, I just Google-bombed "Stadium Pal" and sure enough, it's just a
plain old external cath and leg bag, just like the ones sold at every
drugstore in the world, but with an extra charge to remove all those
big technical words from the package. The leg bag's only 1000ml,
which is not a whole game's worth of beer if you're watching a
Sens-Leafs game from the nosebleed level.
And the worst part is that if you're the sort of person who would
wear a Stadium Pal to a game so that you could experience the thrill
of peeing inside your pants while sitting between people who don't
know you've got urine running down your thigh, you'd probably also
be the sort of person who would own an Auto-Suck, and the Stadium Pal
and Auto-Suck are incompatible. Someday in the distant future
scientists will find a way to combine the two, possibly adding a
beer helmet for a complete Drunken Jerk-Off Pissin' Cyborg ensemble.
Remember when they turned Captain Picard into a Borg? And remember
all those pauses when he was speaking? Now you know why.
For your problem, I say you should get yourself a Foley with a long tube.
Just have Dave Foley hold a funnel over one end of the tube and tuck
the other into your shower drain. It'd be like that scene at the end
of "Brain Candy" except he probably wouldn't drink it, unless he was
holding the tube wrong.
-- K.
If your problem is that your
prostate gland is unhappy,
you might want to consider
wearing an Aneros along
with your Stadium Pal next
time you go to jerk off at
the hockey game.
The Bruins-Leafs game is on
my TV right now, and I'm
wondering how many of the
spectators are wearing one
of each. Also Tie Domi.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 19:52:47 -0500
Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote:
> > >
> > > I just got back from my new kidney doctor [...]
> > > [who] translates what he says into normal human language.
> >
> > So which word does he say instead of the technical term "urine"?
>
> Once when I was working at the VA I had to get a urine sample. It was
> late so I whispered so as not to disturb the other 3 patients in the
> room. The patient just couldnt understand what I wanted, and he seemed
> like a good ol boy from my original social class, so I finally said, I
> need you to piss in this cup for me. Three corners of teh room
> chortled.
I remember once finding a Roger Ebert review of some bad comedy
where he explained that the moment one of the characters explained
the setup (that in this family, everyone whispers the names of
diseases) he knew that eventually they'd get around to "diarrhea",
and of course they did. I don't remember the name of the movie in
question, but I'm sure the scene must have involved a hard-of-hearing
little old lady:
PERSON
And then he got... (whispering) diarrhea!
LITTLE OLD LADY
What?
PERSON
He got... (whispering) diarrhea!
LITTLE OLD LADY
What?
PERSON
DIARRHEA!!! DIARRHEA!!! DIARRHEA, YOU SILLY OLD BIDDY!!!
BUTLER
Oh my, the high society dinner party is ruined! (faints,
knocking a wealthy dowager into the swimming pool and
tipping over a dozen fruit carts)
(CUT TO FAMILY DOG COVERING HIS EYES)
Anyway, the fact that you re-enacted that scene concerning the
(whispering) PIIISSSSSSSSS!!!! is promising, but you really should
more on to re-enacting the other movies we've been talking about
tricking the general public into re-enacting, like "A Clockwork Orange"
and "Battlefield Baseball" and "The Calamari Wrestler".
Okay, so I haven't seen "The Calamari Wrestler" yet (I just bought
the DVD) but I'm sure any conversation about (whispering) URINE!!!!!
could be greatly improved if someone were wearing a big foam-rubber
squid costume. Then put stickers all over your neighborhood saying
"KAIJU GOLDEN SHOWA!"
-- K.
Seriously, you don't know how
badly my neighborhood has been
stickered -- I live in the
center of Kaiju Big Battel's
sphere of influence. That's
why this week I've been dressing
like Strong Bad to ensure that
the neighborhood isn't completely
taken over by any one type of
ironic wrestling.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 21:04:08 -0500
Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> The other day, there was a show called Weird Foods of Asia.
> It was right up my alley as an adventurous eater. Lots of the stuff
> that guy tried was too disturbing even for me (especially the Balut
> from the Phillipines - Mostly developed, but unhached duck embrios
> right out of the shell).
We have those in the U.S. They're called "eggs".
Oh, wait, you mean a slightly older embryo and not just the little red
thing floating around in the egg white.
We have those in the U.S. They're called "squab".
> Then after an hour of culinary squickishness, he tried Durian and
> said it was the worst thing he had ever eaten!?!
That's pretty silly, when you consider how inoffensive durians really
are as far as eating goes (if you can handle pumpkin, and you can
handle Snack Pack pudding, a durian is just pumpkin-flavored pudding.)
But maybe he's more smell-oriented than we are.
I can't say I would ever want to eat durian again (I tried some once)
but it's vastly overrated in terms of its grossness. Sure, the stench
is unbearable, but I've seen people eating stuff that smells worse,
like that powdered cheese that comes in the green can. That stuff
smells more like vomit than vomit does.
> I happen to love the taste of the Spikey Wonder.
And that's why your kidneys melted.
> Just this afternoon, I was considering making a Durian Cheesecake.
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do you sickos have to ruin everything by putting cheese in it?
> The only problem would be that my fambily has threatened me with
> the death penalty if I ever cut one open inside the house.
I bet they also don't let you have asafetida, shrimp paste, or a
vinyl jogging suit.
If they don't know about asafetida, bring home a can of it (look for
the little tin cans with the rock asafetida inside, not the glass
jars of wimpy rice powder with a trace of asafetida) and they'll
promise to stop complaining about your durian fetish.
-- K.
Asafetida is vital to
making good papadum.
But one can should do
about ten million of them.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Fri, 23 Dec 2005 21:52:30 -0500
John Schmidt (js@radix.net) wrote:
>
> Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote:
> >
> > When we cook Indian food, we usually use spice mixes from the Indian
> > market near my daughter's place of employment, so our asafetida is
> > already mixed in.
>
> For all your spice and herb (not *that* herb) needs, I heartily
> endorse Penzeys. I like the mail order catalog, but you can get
> their stuff online as well. Mind boggling selection, REALLY good
> quality, and very reasonable prices.
Penzey's is okay for some things -- I buy dried bell pepper flakes
from them, and their catalog is the easiest way to learn about the
freaky H.R. Giger-esque things mace comes from -- but they're not
good for spice mixes (masala) that you need for Indian food.
They don't have a wide selection of Indian spices, and most of their
spice mixes are geared more towards sausages and pies. (If memory
serves, they have a grand total of nine Indian spice mixes listed
under "curry powder".) The stuff from Indian grocery stores --
such as the Shan and Badshah boxed spice mixes -- is far cheaper
than Penzey's (it was 85c a box here last I looked) and the store
I usually go to has at least a hundred perver^H^H^Hmutations for
everything from fried brains to falooda. An overwhelming array
of slightly different masalas for every conceivable type of curry
(or dessert).
The Indian grocery store mixes are the way to go if you want spicy
Indian food without having to grind your own asafetida. Penzey's is
better if you're the sort of person who loves spices but not spicy food.
Their "curry mixes" page is covered with assertions that their
curry mixes are not hot, and that you should "sprinkle" the stuff
on your food. That's not Indian cuisine, that's high school cafereria
food where the mashed potatoes have red dust on top so you can tell
them from the tapioca pudding. Real Indian cookery can be achieved
by following the directions on the Shan or Badshah boxes -- where
half a box or even a whole box is used in whatever you're cooking.
It comes out real spicy (obviously many people will use a smaller
quantity of the masala) but it's a lot more interesting than Penzey's
approach, which more closely approximates British fast-food curry.
Penzey's seems to think Indian spice is the same thing as Mrs. Dash.
Heck, Penzey's doesn't even have _compounded_ asafetida, let alone
real asafetida! Whole Foods markets have the compounded stuff, and
Indian stores have the actual, nuclear-strength skunk-repellent stuff.
Nothing ever compares to going to an ethnic grocery store to get
your ethnic groceries. Indian restaurants don't buy from Penzey's,
they buy from the Indian store. If you do a lot of cooking, you
should know where your local Indian store, Chinese store, Japanese
store, kosher store, halal store, etc. are. I'm lucky enough to
live where I have a great selection of ingredient stores -- c'mere
sometime and I'll give you the grand tour, if you promise not to
pass out when you're overwhelmed by the selection of weird Asian candy.
-- K.
Not to mention the
fuh-reaky alien vegetables,
some of which are only
mildly poisonous.
(And then there's the
"beef leaves"...)
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Tue, 27 Dec 2005 07:07:59 -0500
John Schmidt (js@radix.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Nothing ever compares to going to an ethnic grocery store to get
> > your ethnic groceries.
>
> Yeah, but I live in Loudon County, where the closest thing to an
> ethnic grocery store is Taco Bell.
So tell me what you want, send me a PayPal payment, and I'll mail
you whatever food you need. Bear in mind that in Boston a can of
Coke goes for eight dollars. Postage is high here too -- a letter
requires one of those giant holographic $2.27 stamps -- so just
pick out what you want and send me approximately five times its
fair value and then I'll send it to you without making any profit
because I'm a nice guy.
-- K.
Also, our Taco Bells are
even worse than yours.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Tue, 27 Dec 2005 14:17:00 -0500
John Schmidt (js@radix.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Also, our Taco Bells are even worse than yours.
>
> Isn't this when we're supposed to have some kind of dance contest,
> like the ones in "West Side Story" and "Silence of the Lambs"?
I see it now: The two of us take turns smashing tacos against the
underside of tables and spilling Sprites across the counter to win
the affection of Rita Moreno, played by Mike O.
Whoever spills the most Sprites gets to have his skin.
Then we sing karaoke in front of Matthew Broderick's giant cable TV.
Finally, we kill Smoochy while yelling "I never saw Paris!"
We kill Jon Stewart, too, but that scene gets cut out because
apparently nobody wants to see Jon Stewart get killed.
During the closing credits, there is a montage of bloopers,
all of which involve us accidentally spilling Sprites down
Mike O.'s pants.
So what's the title?
-- K.
Also, our Arby's are even
worse than Hitler.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Sat, 24 Dec 2005 18:53:17 -0500
Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > [snip of good advice and Penzey's mockery]
Aaaaaand you're welcome.
> > Nothing ever compares to going to an ethnic grocery store to get
> > your ethnic groceries. Indian restaurants don't buy from Penzey's,
> > they buy from the Indian store. If you do a lot of cooking, you
> > should know where your local Indian store, Chinese store, Japanese
> > store, kosher store, halal store, etc. are.
>
> Wiblur and I are actually at the epicenter of ethnic grocery stores in
> the Salt Lake valley. At least 2 SE Asian, 1 Polynesian, 3+ Indian,
> and a Halal market with a mile radius.
That's a pretty good selection for an area where everyone is an
extremely white guy who looks like Dave Foley with a fresh haircut
and pressed necktie at all times. I know all about the Salt Lake
area because I passed through the Salt Lake City airport once.
It was full of non-Canadian Dave Foleys. I bought Krispy Kremes
from one and took them on the plane and thus confused the hell out
of the stewardesses. Plus it was only a week after the Olympics
had ended so Federal law required us to stay in our seats for
most of the flight whether we had to go to the bathroom or not
because they didn't want us to break into the cockpit and crash
the plane into the Olympics after pushing the secret button that
makes the plane travel back in time. (It was a Delta flight,
you know they have to have time machines on the planes so that
they can be late 103% of the time.)
So, anyway, after writing all about spices and sources of spices
and space spices in mices with mooses on the looses in the flagon
with the dragon with no pants, I developed a craving for curry,
so today -- to take advantage of the warm weather and lack of
crowds -- I went to some of the local specialty grocery stores
to get curry fixin's. I bought a package of masala for curried
hard-boiled eggs (one of my favorite types of curry, not many
restaurants offer it) but decided that today I just wanted to
work with hamburger, so I bought a brick of Japanese curry (it's
gooey and doesn't have as complex or intense a flavor as the
Indian stuff) and some ground beef. (This required visiting
three different markets, and annoyingly, the market around the
corner from my building has lousy ground beef so I had to go
out of my way just to get the beef.) At the moment I have this
cooking:
* 1.25 lb ground beef (browned)
* 7 oz Japanese curry mix (large brick)
* 3/4 bag frozen mixed vegetables
* dried onion flakes
* dried green pepper flakes
* kalonji
* water (Japanese curry bricks have to be dissolved in boiling water)
Not sure how it'll come out. But I'm sure it'll be good because
I didn't skimp on the kalonji. I love kalonji. They should make
kalonji-flavored Doritos.
I'm using the "medium-hot" curry mix rather than "hot" because
I'd rather add habanero sauce when it's finished. I know the
Japanese curry mix is somewhat lame as curries go, but I didn't
feel up to mixing Indian spices, ghee, and vegetable oil just
for some ground beef. I'm making a lazy curry just for myself.
(If I had guests I'd make a red curry -- either Indian or Thai --
with interesting vegetables and stuff, but you're not here
so I'm not required to make real curry. It's all your fault.)
I'd like to make my own Krispy Kremes, too, but I don't have
the right equipment -- you can make regular doughnuts into
Krispy Kremes if you have a pressure cooker filled with corn syrup.
-- K.
I forgot to buy mustard
seeds, I'll have to get
some before I do the
curried eggs -- I want
to add mustard seeds,
kalonji, and white poppy
seeds to the spice mix.
Because if you eat enough
seeds, it's like there's
a garden growing in
your stomach!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Sun, 25 Dec 2005 22:07:32 -0500
TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I love kalonji.
>
> Ummm - If I remember correctly, it's similar to oregano - but not quite.
> I've only had it in naan (tasty bread).
Your oregano is crunchy and black?
Kalonji look a lot like kurogoma (black sesame seeds), but have this
interesting tangy toasted onion taste with a tiny hint of licorice,
and yeah, they're good on naan. (So's everything else.) They're
good for anything you want to have a onion-bread flavor.
They're the seeds of some sort of alien plant that looks like fennel
(hence the onion/licorice taste), though the seeds don't look anything
like fennel seeds. Real kalonji are shaped like sesame seeds, but you
also see people attempting to pass off other black seeds as kalonji --
"kalonji" which look like dots are usually black mustard seeds and ones
which look like parentheses are some other black caraway/fennel thing.
Just to make it even more confusing, some people call the real
kalonji "black cumin" or "black caraway" but they really don't
look or taste like either. If they're kalonji, they look like
little guitar picks.
Lots of ancient Arabic writings say that kalonji have all sorts of
magical healing properties ("cure for all ailments except death")
though of course people say that about any tasty spice. I don't
think anyone has ever determined (through an actual controlled
study) that kalonji have any effect on people (though it's certainly
possible, because they probably contain some of the curcuminoids
that are known to have beneficial effects in other spices.)
But I think if I were dying of Lou Gehrig's Disease, kalonji
wouldn't be the first thing I'd reach for. (Hot peppers do whatever
they do a lot faster.)
-- K.
And asafetida does it
before you even open
the little can.
P.S. As I mentioned kurogoma, have you seen that they now make
a kurogoma-flavored Pocky? It's just the thing to eat if you want
to freak people out at the sight of asphalt-colored frosting.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Mon, 26 Dec 2005 16:19:23 -0500
TeaLady (Mari C.)" (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry 9kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Kalonji look a lot like kurogoma (black sesame seeds), but
> > have this interesting tangy toasted onion taste with a tiny
> > hint of licorice, and yeah, they're good on naan. (So's
> > everything else.) They're good for anything you want to
> > have a onion-bread flavor.
>
> Related to the buttercup plants, which grow wildly along my
> fence in the side yard. Also, thymoquinone is found in kalonji,
> which can hurt you bad in really high doses.
So can anything else. All these spices have all sorts of wacky
alkaloids and flavinoids and bonzonoids and would probably kill
you if you ate ten pounds in one sitting, which nobody in their
right mind would enjoy doing to start with.
So which spice is the most toxic? We know that people sometimes
make the mistake of trying to get high by eating big spoonfuls of
nutmeg (which basically causes horrible cramps and nightmarish
hallucinations for a week because it's so poisonous) and I can
think of certain other poisonous plants (i.e. "beef leaves")
which people enjoy eating in small quantities.
> Boring medical test stuff here
>
> http://www.kfshrc.edu.sa/annals/213_214/00-201.htm
Which says,
-> All animals [rats] fed with the six doses of N. sativa [kalonji]
-> tolerated the drug over the period of treatment and showed no sign
-> of toxicity or discomfort. Similarly, all doses (0.5 to 6 mg/kg)
-> of thymoquinone, except the dose of 8 mg, were tolerable and animals
-> showed no sign of discomfort or toxicity.Ê Most of the animals
-> injected with the highest dose of thymoquinone (8 mg/kg) died by
-> the end of first week of treatment. Animals which survived and
-> could tolerate the 8 mg/kg dose of thymoquinone showed signs of
-> peritonitis on opening the abdomen for blood extraction. Their
-> abdomen was full of fluid, pus and adhesions, and had a greenish
-> color all over.
Of course, I'm not a professional rat poisoner, or even a recreational
poisoner like the Marquis de Sade, so my knowledge of pharmacological
toxicity study methodology is limited, but...
I'm highly suspicious of any study which claims that 6mg is completely
harmless but 8mg always dissolves your intestines -- I mean, there
should be an LD50 somewhere. If 8mg always dissolves everyone's
intestines, 6mg should be hurting some of them too, or if 6mg is
always harmless, 8mg shouldn't always be deadly.
At least this study attempts to have a control group and so on.
Most of the studies which claim to find beneficial effects from
kalonji are from Arabic journals boiling down to "People who had
skin rashes were rubbed with kalonji, and later many of them were
better," meaning no control group and large dancing bears running
through the office screaming "PLACEBO EFFECT! PLACEBO EFFECT!"
in the patients' ears.
It's also worth noting that these rats were being given pure
thymoquinone injected right into their guts over and over.
The equivalent dose for someone my size would be >500mg injected
every day for a week, and that's a lot of seeds:
[http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa4091/is_200405/ai_n9452023]
=>
=> Essential Oils of Nigella sativa L. and Nigella damascena L. Seed
=>
=> Journal of Essential Oil Research: JEOR, ÊMay/Jun 2004
=> by Moretti, A, ÊD'Antuono, L Filippo, ÊElementi, S
=>
=> The seed oils of three accessions of Nigella sativa and N.
=> damascena, sown on different dates, were obtained by
=> Likens-Nickerson hydrodistillation and analyzed by GC/MS. The main
=> components of N. sativa oil were p-cymene (33.8%) and thymol (26.8%),
=> with only small amounts of thymoquinone (3.8%).
So the lethal daily dose of 500mg thymoquinone represents the oil from
nearly 100 grams of seeds being injected over a week -- when eaten,
probably not as much of the oil enters the bloodstream (some of the
seeds probably don't even get chewed) so I'd have to eat more than
100 grams (assuming the human dose corresponds to the rat dose)
and 100 grams is a hell of a lot of seeds. That's a two-dollar bag
of them from the Indian grocery store or Penzey's, and I don't think
there's much chance I will consume the entire bag within a year,
let alone within a week.
Like the curcuminoids from turmeric (the basis of all the "curry is
good for you!" news reports over the last couple years) various
studies attribute anti-inflammatory effects, and many other effects,
to thymoquinone. But come on -- any spice that is a tasty spice is
tasty because it has a complicated mixture of organic molecules,
it's likely that any spice contains a dozen different things that
have vaguely-defined, mild effects on the human body. Yeah, sure,
extracting pure thymoquinone from your kalonji and injecting it
directly into your gut might eventually kill you, but putting a
few kalonji into your sambhar or kadhi probably won't have an effect
any stronger than, say, eating a single Dorito.
One of the most frequent claims is that the thymoquinone-laced
oil from kalonji is good for kidneys, so Wiblur, in the name of
science I demand that you eat ten pounds of kalonji so we can then
cut you open and see whether your kidneys grew back or just turned
to the green goo that grows inside rats. That'll settle for once
and for all whether eating ten pounds of kalonji is better or
worse than eating ten pounds of New Improved Kidney-Destroying Drano.
The most absurd claim about kalonji: Wikipedia asserts that
kalonji smell like strawberries. No matter how hard I try to
imagine that, I can't figure out how anyone can get "strawberries"
from that smell.
-- K.
Well, onions are kind of
like fruit in that they're
both translucent and squishy,
so if kalonji are vaguely
oniony, then they must also
be kind of like strawberries!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Tue, 27 Dec 2005 00:39:08 -0500
TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> I'm thinking that some idiot, with an eye to being way cool
> and on the edge in spicery, will make a Kalonji Roll with at
> least a bag of seeds, maybe more, and make a few buddies sick.
He'd probably need a couple of assistants to hold them down
while he crammed the stuff down their throats, because I don't
think anyone would want to eat that much kalonji at once
due to the fact that it tastes like kalonji. I imagine you
could also poison yourself by eating five pounds of horseradish
or drinking eight thousand gallons of Tang, but no sane person
could get past the first gallon.
> If they are stoned and have the munchies, and said idiot made
> several batches, they might make themselves dead. Then all
> sorts of fules will sue and kalonji will be banned in the
> USofA.
Nitrous oxide is a million times more dangerous in so many ways,
and yet you can still buy it everywhere. Because the government
knows they can't ban anything that's used to make yummy desserts
(whipped cream dispensers use the stuff.) Same goes with nutmeg,
which is highly toxic (only a few grams will poison you.)
I say kalonji are also for yummy desserts therefore the gummervint
couldn't ban them even if anyone even wanted to try to get high
off them, which nobody does, because nobody ever said kalonji
can get anyone high.
You'd have a better chance of getting high by eating a pound of
poppy seeds. (That would probably just ruin your drug tests --
most companies' poppy seeds are specially bred to contain as
few opiates as possible, and also the seeds aren't the part
of the plant that people normally extract opium from, and also
I'm told roasting the seeds destroys the opiates anyway.)
Why not just worry about drugs which have an effect and which
people actually abuse, such as alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, crack,
and iPods?
> Shit, I bet some idiot tries to smoke the stuff - a kalonji
> spliff. Bet that would smell awful. As bad as dried banana
> skins, at least.
Tell you what. You go do the experiment, then you'll be authorized
to worry about it. I'm not going to think about this any more,
because worrying about either the toxic or hallucinogenic properties
of kalonji is like worrying about wild rice.
BE SCARED OF IT!! IT'S WIIIIIILD!!!!
-- K.
THINK OF THE CHILDREN AND
ALSO THE RICE'S CHILDREN!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Sun, 25 Dec 2005 23:16:25 -0500
TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote:
> > >
> > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> > > >
> > > > I love kalonji.
> > >
> > > Ummm - If I remember correctly, it's similar to oregano -
> >
> > Your oregano is crunchy and black?
>
> Taste - not texture or color.
I saw one Web page which claims that kalonji smells like oregano,
and I just can't see that (I just took out my bag of kalonji to
check.) There's a little similarity, but oregano has such a strong
spinach-with-even-more-chlorophyll smell. People describe kalonji
as smelling or tasting like just about anything, since it's different
from everything but if you use your imagination you can find hints
of onion, garlic, licorice, oregano, etc.
> [...]
>
> I don't like most anise/licorice things - especially tarragon - except
> real licorice and ouzo.
I strongly dislike licorice "candy". Small quantities of licorice
(i.e. anise) are good in spice mixtures (such as generic Chinese
"five spice powder") but you couldn't pay me to eat a whole black
jellybean, let alone a whole piece of Sen-Sen. Of course, it might
be one of those things which I'm more sensitive to than other people --
I've never figured out exactly which flavors I have the extra
taste receptors for (certainly I react differently to chocolate and
ginger than do people who don't have the extra-taste-buds mutation,
but most other flavors aren't amplified to that degree.)
I remember from childhood that licorice would make lots of kids
run off to the horizon screaming "EWW! I PUT LICORICE IN MY MOUTH
AND EWW LICORICE GERMS ARE DISSOLVING MY WHOLE HEAD!" so I gather
that there are a lot of people who agree with me that licorice
candy has a strong, awful flavor. But then again, an equal number
of people freak out when confronted with candy containing coconut,
and I think coconut is one of the most inoffensive things in the
world.
This week I saw a bottle of coconut juice cocktail at the natural-foods
store, and I had to buy it because, before I shook it, the bottle had
two separate opaque marshmallow-Fluff-colored layers in it:
white
white
white
white
white
white
clear
clear
clear
clear
clear
clear
white
It was made from white grape juice and mashed-up coconut meat
(aka coconut milk, which is not the same thing as coconut juice)
so it had the delicious taste of coconut meat but was one of
those rare beverages with a gritty texture. I only drank 95%
of the bottle because there were a bunch of shards of brown
coconut shell that kept sinking to the bottom and I worried
about them shredding my intestines.
Now, if it had been a photo negative of that beverage, with two
non-consecutive layers of tar-colored licorice grit, I don't
think I would have bought it. Even I have my limits.
> [...]
> >
> > [Kurogoma Pocky is] just the thing to eat if you want
> > to freak people out at the sight of asphalt-colored frosting.
>
> Somehow I suspect we're eating at adjacent tables in the same Bostonia
> restaurants.
Well, want to do lunch sometime? I know some really spectacular
restaurants if you like hot food that's so tasty that I'd eat it
even if it didn't make me see things that aren't there.
I hate the way every few years I have to find new favorite restaurants,
'cause all the ones I like go out of business because nobody likes them.
I loved Crystal (Mary Chung's is now where Crystal used to be, but
Crystal was even better) and I can't believe there is no alternative
to the Wursthaus (there is no German food around any more, at least
not that I know about.) And then there was Felicia's. And Golden Palace.
And the People's Cafeteria. All gone. So I imagine my current favorites
(Joti Palace, Spice'N'Hot, and Chatta Box) will probably turn into
Tim Horton's outlets soon.
I also know the shortest possible walking route between all the
grocery stores in Chinatown (from Mei Tung to Ming's) if you want
to come along next time I check them all for those potato rings
with the devilish habanero pepper on the bag. (Currently all the
Chinatown places are out of them, but Yoshinoya has started
carrying them. Everyone, including Yoshinoya, is out of the
companion product of the potato patties in the paper cup.)
When an Asian grocery store runs out of something, usually they
never get any more of it, so I go around town cleaning 'em out
of the stuff I like (I was so glad I got a case of the Little Cook
hot eggplant soup bowls right before those disappeared, but
I failed to stock up on those little beef cookies during their
narrow window of opportunity.)
-- K.
I miss the beef cookies.
Why doesn't anyone else
manufacture meat-flavored
desserts?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Mon, 26 Dec 2005 00:22:39 -0500
TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote:
>
> I think I have found the perfect food for you, Kibo. You'll love it:
>
> chocolate covered ginger licorice with cheese topping.
I think they have that at the Super 88. The Japanese aisle there
is full of things that have secret cheese in places where no cheese
should be -- Japanese snack makers like to put cheese in their
cookie-like candy, and it also turns up in a lot of Japanese curry
mixes (which are also a form of candy. Japanese curry is very sweet.)
They won't put cheese on their pizzas, but they'll put it in
their curry. Just because Tom Of Finland put cheese on his curry
doesn't mean I have to approve of it. (Yes, I happen to know his
favorite recipe -- hardboiled eggs and broccoli in curry sauce,
topped with melted cheese. You'd think he'd have liked steak
or a good schnitzel...)
> [...]
>
> Mmmm, licorice and ginger and coconut and coffee and ginger. These
> are my favourite things.
>
> Now, on the other hand, rice crackers or most food made from rice
> (apart from rice itself). And pop-corn. Theatres aren't a pleasant
> experience for me.
Beware the "buttered popcorn"-flavored Jelly Belly beans. They taste
like corn syrup plus artificial Movie Theater Butter flavoring.
A lot of people who like butter, popcorn, and jelly beans find
the combination of the three to be vile.
Try the new mix of their Harry Potter jelly beans -- in addition to
the delicious black pepper ones (those are great) they recently added
bacon-flavored ones. The bacon is a failure (I've only had one,
it tasted like liquid smoke plus cardboard and sugar -- in other
words, exactly like Beggin' Strips dog treats -- except it had one
spot of very hot red pepper in it for no bacon-related reason I
can think of.) If you want to try to black pepper ones, I recommend
getting the more expensive box that has ten flavors sorted into
little compartments, because the smaller box is mostly regular
fruit flavors with only a few of the weird flavors mixed in.
I wish you could get the black pepper ones in the bulk bins, I'd
buy a pound of them.
The other new flavor in the Harry Potter mixes this year is
rotten egg. I took a bite of one of those and ran into the bathroom
to spit it into the toilet. They got that flavor right.
> The other day, I went into the office next door demanding to know
> who had rice crackers. And he was mistified that I could smell them
> from my room, given that he couldn't smell them as he was sitting
> next to them. So I shot him.
Yeah, but watch out for that woman with the giant butterfly collection.
You'll never be able to figure out whether she wants to kill you
or she wants you to kill her or she wants to make out with you.
Mmm, "Branded To Kill". It's the only movie about an assassin who
not only can smell rice, but gets wood from it.
I love that movie so much -- it's my favorite Sukuzki movie, which
is like saying it's my favorite Kubrick movie. It's an unusually
good movie even by the high standard for movies by that brilliant director.
It's also a few years after Joe Shishido rendered himself permanently
deformed, so by then some of the silicone had migrated out of his
cheeks -- earlier, in "Youth Of The Beast", I kept wondering "What
the hell did that guy do to his face?" until I saw the interview
where he explained that explained that, yes, he did ask someone to
inject liquid silicone into his cheeks so that he came out looking
like the alien from the "Outer Limits" episode "Nightmare". He didn't
look so freakish four years later when he made "Branded To Kill".
Hey, Wiblur, maybe you should do that. Have your kidneys replaced
with globs of liquid silicone. It didn't seem to hurt Joe Shishido's
career when he had it squirted into his facial muscles to get
face boobs, so it probably wouldn't hurt you either if you packed
your abdominal cavity with semi-inert bathroom caulk. On second
thought, maybe that's a bad idea.
-- K.
If Michael Jackson had
Joe Shishido's baby, how
deformed would their
offspring be? The answer
is left as an exercise
to Conan O'Brien.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: bad jelly beans (was: kidneys)
Date: Mon, 26 Dec 2005 16:32:35 -0500
TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > The other new flavor in the Harry Potter mixes this year is
> > rotten egg. I took a bite of one of those and ran into the
> > bathroom to spit it into the toilet. They got that flavor
> > right.
>
> Gave a box of mixed Potter beans to inspector dude at work.
> Great hilarity ensued.
>
> The bacon was reported as being not-bacon, and teh yuck.
My thoughts exactly. Tasted like a spicy dog treat and not even
as close to bacon as those artificial bacon bits that used to be
common on salad bars (they've been gradually displaced by actual
crumbled bacon. Remember back when Bac*Os only came in their
original "chips" form? They were as hard as aquarium gravel.)
The earthworm jelly beans taste like plain dry dog/cat food,
so I think they made the bacon ones spicy just so you could
tell them apart. Unless the hot pepper in the one I had was
some sort of wonderful industrial accident.
> Rotten egg almost made new girl (an EMT posing as a secretary) puke,
> but as she has never had the joy of meeting a rotten egg, she
> couldn't say that the incredible taste sensation was exactly right)
Sulfur.
I once made the mistake of ordering egg drop soup from a Chinese-style
place at a mall food court and finding a big lump of sulfur-flavored
egg on the bottom (it wasn't floating.) The Harry Potter jelly beans
really captured that. Because Harry Potter fans demand the authentic
taste of food poisoning.
> and the vomit was true, as reported by inspector dude who
> ate it (or, at least, chewed it a bit then spit it out and
> gagged for 20 minutes).
Just tasted kind of vinegary to me. You know, acid, bile, vinegar,
that whole spectrum. Then again, I'm the guy who won't eat artificial
vinegar flavor potato chips because he used to work developing film
with acetic acid.
The grass jelly beans have some sort of not-grass-like green herb
flavor. The sardine ones are fishy (the ingredients list actual fish),
the soap ones have the same artificial flavoring they put in laundry
detergent, and the dirt ones do taste exactly like potting soil smells.
(Note: "potting soil", not "dirt". In other words, chemical fertilizer.)
I forget what other flavors they have. The black pepper is wonderful,
the others vary from inoffensively insipid to revolting.
Oh yeah, there's a spaghetti flavor. It just tastes like SpaghettiOs,
in other words lots of sugar with a hint of tomato juice. Quite lame.
Needs a lot more tomato. And some meatballs.
So this thread has mutated from kidneys to jelly beans. Does this
mean someone's been using a shrink ray? Can we reverse the shrink
ray if someone figures out how to segue from spaghetti to intestines?
-- K.
They should make an
asafetida jelly bean
if they really want
to watch kids rolling
around on the ground
screaming from the
flavor.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2005 22:28:55 -0500
Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote:
> >
> > Of course, I don't have any living donor candidates that I can
> > call on, so I may have up to another three years of waiting after
> > they put me back on the transplant list.
>
> There are a lot of people around here - you want we should line up a
> "donor"?
NOT IT!
Okay, the last one not to say "NOT IT!" is gonna get onto the table,
once I put the leaf in.
I'm not sure where we'll get those anti-rejection drugs Wiblur will
have to take, but I'm sure we can find some, since they sell all
sorts of drugs in that alley behind Chinatown.
Last time I was in that part of town I bought a package of 18 colors
of bootleg Sharpie markers. So we won't need any anesthetic, we can
just hold the donor down and make him sniff fake Sharpies. Of course
it'll be hard to do the operation while we're giggling with the joy
of knowing we have more colors of Sharpies than actually exist.
Look, this one's puce! Hooray for Sharpie colors only we can see!
I also bought a hand-held video game which plays 9999 different games
on the same ten-pixel-wide screen. I'm planning on writing full reviews
of all 9999 games someday when I have more time.
Most of them are like Tetris, except at lower resolution. But still,
there's 9999 of them. That's what made this computer gaming system
worth paying almost two and a half dollars for.
-- K.
You know the fake Sharpies
are a quality product
because they cost over
eleven cents each.
Nearly 11.06 cents!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Latest developments with Wiblur's Kidneys
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 15:21:42 -0500
David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Last time I was in that part of town I bought a package of 18 colors
> > of bootleg Sharpie markers. So we won't need any anesthetic, we can
> > just hold the donor down and make him sniff fake Sharpies.
>
> Plus it'll make it harder not to touch the scalpel to the side of the
> BZZZZZT! GAAAAAAHH!
I keep thinking about having a bunch of wires implanted in my body
so that if I ever need major surgery, I can alert the doctor whenever
they're making a mistake while trying to take out my funny bone,
water on the knee, etc. The only problem is that I'd have to get a
Moe Howard haircut.
There's a Homer Simpson version of "Operation" now, which is the
funniest of the "Simpsons"-tie-in products on the market. Of course
Homer yells at you instead of just buzzing when you have trouble
taking out his parts. Mmm... parts. The thing I don't understand
is why the little pea pod (representing "pea brain") is floating in
mid-air to the left of Homer's head instead of somewhere inside
the big space where his thousands of concussions have happened.
I want them to do a "Seinfeld" version, where you have to put a
Junior Mint into Triangle Boy. It could say a lot of nonsensical things.
-- K.
Never trust an acupuncturist
whose electroacupunctoscope
has a buzzing nose and is
made by Milton Bradley.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: http://www.viennaacademy.com
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 20:24:57 -0500
In alt.religion.kibology, viennaacademy1@gmail.com spamvertised:
>
> Vienna Academy of Arts and Sciences with campuses located in Montreal,
> Washington DC, Toronto, Ottawa, Miami, Vancouver and Los Angeles offers
> instructor led classes, distance learning and online skills training.
I assume "instructor led classes" it a shorthand way of saying
"classes which are exactly like real college classes except we're a
fake diploma mill you wouldn't have even heard of until we spammed you."
I note that the Vienna Academy Of Stuff is not to be confused with
any of the actual Vienna Academies. Anyone who is still confused
should consult this handy reference chart:
FAKE --> Vienna Academy with campuses in Not Vienna, Not Vienna, Not Vienna,
Not Vienna, Not Vienna, and Not Vienna
REAL --> Vienna Academy in Vienna
Also:
REAL --> Mozart went there
FAKE --> Mozart got spammed by it
REAL --> Cafeteria serves Wiener schnitzel and Vienna sausages
FAKE --> No schnitzel, no sausage, just spam
> [...]
>
> Our focus is skills training classes leading to certification and or
> state licensure for designations such as:
>
> Information Technology Institute
> Microsoft
> MCSE 2003 + security - MCP - MCSD - MCAD - MCSA - MCDBA - MCDST
> Windows Office XP Application
> Office User Specialist
> .NET
> Visual Basic
> Cisco
> CCNA - CCNP - CCSP
> CompTIA
> A + Network + Security + Server + Linux +
Yes, those collections of letters that any sucker can pay to buy
from Microsoft sound like they'd make my business card very pretty
if they were in curly script. But do you have any real classes?
Moving on from the Information Technology Institute to the
Esthetic Institute:
> Esthetic Institute
> Esthetician (Facialist)
As opposed to the _other_ Vienna Esthetic Institute which burns
Modernist paintings and exterminates Jews -- the only way to tell
them apart is to look closely at whether "Facialist" is spelled
with an "F" or an "R".
> Microdermabrasion
> Electrolysis
> Massage Therapist
> Aromatherapy
I can prove "aromatherapy" doesn't do anything:
If it did, the school would be an Anesthetic Institute.
> Reflexology
> Nail Technology (Manicurist)
> Permanent Make-up
WOW! PERMANENT TEMPORARY TATTOOS!!!
> Cosmetologist (Hair Stylist - Beautician)
> Professional Sciences Institute
> Dental Assistant
> Dental Hygienist
> Early Childcare Assistant (ECA)
> Home Health Aid ( Personal Support Worker - PSW)
> Nursing Assistant
> Paralegal (Legal Aid)
> Pharmacy Technician
> Phlebotomy
Learn to be a freelance, door-to-door phlebotomist!
And with every third in-home phlebotomy, get a free lobotomy by mail!
> [...]
>
> Our education programs include distance learning, online training,
> degree and diploma programs. Our courses give you the job skills via
> traditional courses and elearning combined with self study and computer
> based training. Our correspondence courses include a GED program for
> those students needing to finish their high school diploma.
Yes, I would like to learn aromatherapy by mail. Please send me
a scented postcard I can sniff to qualify to buy the degree.
I checked out the Web site and my favorite curriculum item showed
up under the "waxing technician" program:
->
-> Removing Unwanted hair theory
Oh no! The evil Thomas Edison has removed Albert Einstein's
entire unwanted hair theory! Einstein's bald so now nobody
will ever take him seriously as a scientist, all because
his hair was just a theory!
-- K.
Einstein's hair was just a theory,
but my hair is the fourth dimension.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: http://www.viennaacademy.com
Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 23:14:15 -0500
Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Learn to be a freelance, door-to-door phlebotomist!
>
> I just drove by a van with an ad for Complete Phlebotomy Training
> (CPT) not even an hour ago and was thinking that was kind of weird.
> Now I go back to trying to catch up on ARK and see this. STAY IN MY
> COMPUTER AND STOP SPYING ON ME!
I like those phlebotomy chairs that have a really big armrest on only
one side. They're exactly like the dopey little chairs they have in
elementary school except medically approved. I think all grown-up,
scientifically-oriented furniture should be enlarged from kiddie furniture.
Also you should be allowed to eat dinner on a teeter-totter every day
because once you're a grown-up you have the right to put a teeter-totter
in any part of your home you want.
Which half is the teeter and which half is the totter?
Now if you'll excuse me, I must go teach a course in Incomplete
Phlebotomy Training. That's where you leave the guy enough blood
to get into a taxi.
-- K.
TOMORROW YOU WILL SEE A
TRUCK WITH A "555" PLATE
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: http://www.viennaacademy.com
Date: Fri, 23 Dec 2005 22:10:26 -0500
Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Oh no! The evil Thomas Edison has removed Albert Einstein's
> > entire unwanted hair theory! Einstein's bald so now nobody
> > will ever take him seriously as a scientist, all because
> > his hair was just a theory!
>
> You see, that's where String Theory comes in handy. After Einstein get's
> all cue ball-looking and dejected, He just applies some Jamacian String
> Theory Cream and viola: Quantum Dreadlocks!
I don't like your new version of "There's Something About Mary".
Ben Stiller is no Albert Einstein! I demand Albert Brooks or better
if you're going to make a movie about Einstein giving himself a
quantum facial!
I was going to say something else, but now I've forgotten what it was.
Oh yeah, it was about the dorky names for Trader Joe's products.
They've had "Avocado's Number" guacamole for a while, but now they
also have a slightly less non-spicy variant whose name is a play
on "E=mc^2". I don't remember what it was but it was something
like "E=guac+salsa^2" with a picture of Einstein on the package
because it's the guacamole that Einstein would have eaten if he
knew what Mexican food was and shopped at dopey stores. People
say good things about Trader Joe's guacamoles, but if I really
needed guacamole, I'm capable of mashing an avocado with some
hot pepper myself, the recipe for "a mashed avocado" isn't any
harder than making a glass of water from ice cubes.
Here's an *EX*CI*TING* press release *YOU* can read to learn why
you should buy food that has almost a whole pun in its name!
[www.findarticles.com]
->
-> Do you know anything about Avogadro, the celebrated professor
-> known for penning mathematical equations? Trader Joe's says
-> its no big deal if you don't, buts wants you to know that the
-> number-cruncher inspired the name of its new Avocado's Number
-> Guacamole, also named for the number (5+) of premium Haas
-> avocados in the recipe.
There you have it, chemists: Trader Joe's proves that Avogadro's
Number is at least 5. This has great implications for the
science of homeopathy.
I heard that Trader Joe's is going to start selling Rubik's Cubes,
once they change the little paper insert from "over three billion
combinations" to "over three combinations".
-- K.
For the record, Avogadro's Number
is a little bigger than
600,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
That's how many avocados Trader Joe's
is half-heartedly implying they
mashed into that squishy little packet.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: apparently my apartment building's not radioactive
Date: Fri, 23 Dec 2005 22:56:22 -0500
[abcnews.go.com]
->
-> US monitored Muslim sites for radiation: report
->
-> Reuters
->
-> WASHINGTON -- U.S. officials have secretly monitored radiation
-> levels at Muslim sites, including mosques and private homes, since
-> September 11, 2001 as part of a top secret program searching for
-> nuclear bombs, U.S. News and World Report said on Friday.
DEAR U.S. OFFICIALS
THE PAINT IS PEELING OFF MY BATHROOM CEILING
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE OF RADIATION FROM THE TERRORISTS WHO USED TO
LIVE UPSTAIRS IF RADIATION CAN TRAVEL INTO THE FUTURE
OKAY
SINCERELY I AM A LOYAL AMERICAN EVEN THOUGH JAPAN MAKES BETTER MOVIES
-> The news magazine said in its online edition that the far-reaching
-> program covered more than a hundred sites in the Washington, D.C.,
-> area and at least five other cities.
Does a twenty-something-story apartment building count as one site
or more than a hundred sites?
I guarantee you my address is going to be at least one of these
sites the Men In Black have been visiting with their tricorders.
It's too bad I don't live on the same floor as where the Al-Qaeda
people lived because that would make it so much easier to get
Jack Bauer's autograph.
DEAR JACK BAUER
AFTER ABOUT A HUNDRED EPISODES OF "TWENTY-4" YOU HAVEN'T YET
GONE TO THE BATHROOM
DOES THAT MEAN THE NEXT EPISODE WILL BE JUST YOU POOPING FOR AN HOUR
LET ME KNOW SO I CAN UNPLUG MY VCR
OKAY
SINCERELY I AM A LOYAL TV VIEWER WHO LOVES TV SO MUCH I WORE OUT ALL MY
TiVOS SKIPPING OVER YOUR COMMERCIALS
-> "In numerous cases, the monitoring required investigators to go on
-> to the property under surveillance, although no search warrants or
-> court orders were ever obtained, according to those with knowledge
-> of the program," the magazine said.
Maybe someday they'll come up with a way to detect gamma rays through a wall.
-> [...]
->
-> An FBI spokesman declined to confirm or deny the U.S. News and
-> World Report article and said, "We can't talk about a classified
-> program."
->
-> "The FBI's overriding priority is to prevent, disrupt and defeat
-> terrorist operations in the U.S.
Then he went back to busting people who had nude photos in their blogs.
-> All investigations and operations conducted by the FBI are
-> intelligence driven and predicated on specific information about
-> potential criminal acts or terrorist threats, and are conducted
-> in strict conformance with federal law," he added.
Oh yeah? What about that time Jack Bauer cut off that prisoner's head
just so he could trick the terrorists into letting him help them blow
up his own headquarters and kill half his own staff? I don't recall
any articles in the Constitution saying "Jack Bauer can be an asshole!"
-> [...]
->
-> At its peak, the effort involved three vehicles in the Washington
-> area monitoring 120 sites a day, nearly all of them Muslim targets
-> such as prominent mosques and office buildings selected by the FBI,
-> it said.
->
-> The program has also operated in at least five other cities --
-> namely Chicago, Detroit, Las Vegas, New York, and Seattle -- when
-> threat levels there have risen, it said.
DEAR GOVERNMENT
YOU FORGOT BOSTON
BESIDES MAJOR INTERNATIONAL TERRORISTS WE HAVE IMPORTANT STUFF THEY'D
WANT TO BLOW UP LIKE THAT GIANT MILK BOTTLE NEXT TO THE TEA PARTY SHIP
OKAY
SINCERELY I AM A GOOD CITIZEN AND I AM GOING TO COPYRIGHT THE IDEA
OF BLOWING UP THE BIG MILK BOTTLE SO THAT TERRORISTS WON'T BE ABLE
TO USE THAT IDEA
-> One source quoted by the magazine said the targets were almost all
-> U.S. citizens.
->
-> Vice President Dick Cheney was among those briefed on the
-> monitoring program, the publication said.
Yeah, they wake him up for the important programs. Such as episodes of "24".
(He really likes that Mike Novick guy.)
-- K.
Johnny Damon got a shave
and a haircut last night.
That means the hair terrorists
have already won.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Merry Christmas RSPW
Date: Sat, 24 Dec 2005 01:12:26 -0500
In rec.sport.pro-wrestling, alt.flame.rspw,
and alt.pro-wrestling.dx.alt.religion.kibology
(which is not one of our primitive Earth newsgroups)
Chris Lansdell (chris.lansdell@nl.SIGNCARLENGLISH.rogers.com) wrote:
>
> [...]
>
> Ironically, I wrestle for ACW...Atlantic Championship Wrestling.
BEWARE THE IRONIC WRESTLER!
> Card for tomorrow night:
>
> At The Armory, Manuels
>
> ACW Championship Match, No Holds Barred
> Sick Nick Byrne (c) vs Bonk
>
> Newfoundland Championship Match
> "The Student of the Game" Chris Lansdell vs Chris Gort (c) with Danielle
Uh oh. You better look out. He's copyrighted his name. That means
if he beats you, you're not even allowed to say he beat you without
paying him $10 every time you mention his name according to the precedent
set in the case of Archimedes Plutonium Vs. Whoever Else Was In The Imaginary
Eighth-Dimensional Court Where He Filed His Most Famous Invisible Lawsuit.
> Luchador Hardcore Battle Royal for the Fucking Psycho Trophy
> (basically we all put on masks and those of us who can't do sick bumps
> get eliminated early)
Pervert.
> Larry the Redneck Warrior vs Sir Loin of Beef
Git'r well done!
Sorry, it had to be said.
> Ladder Match for Nadia's portfolio
> PornoBoy vs Shank vs Mark Byrne (w/ Nadia)
> (will be Match of the night, and it's the curtain jerker. Story is she
> used to do some porn and PornoBoy found it, Shank wants it, Mark defends
> her honour)
The good reputation of professional wrestling is going to be tarnished
by the association with porn! So it better be good porn and not the stuff
they show on the Playboy channel. Also, tell Andy Kaufman to stop using
that generic duct tape that smells like bat barf. Only genuine 3M
duct tape emits a potent aphrodisiac vapor.
-- K.
There's nothing more fun
than wearing a Santo mask
in Stop & Shop, even if
nobody volunteers to be
body-slammed.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,ne.general
Subject: Re: How to cash in unused t tokens.
Date: Sat, 24 Dec 2005 01:22:47 -0500
In ne.general, "don warner saklad" (don.saklad@gmail.com) wrote:
>
> a.
> Where can you cash in unused t tokens?...
Gee, Lowercase Don, if they won't let you cash them in at the subway
token booths, what do you think the odds are of you getting to cash
them in at, say, the supermarket?
Maybe you should try using them in the Xerox machines at the Boston
Public Library.
> b.
> Or who will give cash for the value of unused t tokens?...
I will. I will give you cash for the value that they were fifty years ago.
> c.
> How about the silver commemorative t tokens from the orange line
> renovation?...
I've already got one of those, and some of the gold-plated Y2K ones,
but I'd be happy to buy yours. I'll give you a different silver-colored
coin of the same size... pardon me while I whittle down a nickel...
-- K.
I heard that when the middle
of the Silver Line opens,
they'll issue commemorative
tokens made of whatever sort
of dilithium they have in
that century.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: the metalevel
Date: Sat, 24 Dec 2005 19:11:59 -0500
Don Saklad (dsaklad@gnu.org) wrote:
>
> i'm developing ways of collaborating, contributing to the forums'
> exchanges around this medium. better ways than what i've figured
> out so far.
You might want to go back to using a keyboard where the "shift" key
isn't just painted on.
> my writing needs to be a lot better, more interesting. overcoming
> blocks to more freely express the ideas in me is a great challenge.
RUN! THE DAM IS ABOUT TO BURST, DROWNING US IN HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS
OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE bOSTON pUBLIC lIBRARY!
> feedback, comment, questions and suggestions welcome !
> critique, debate, counterpoint, challenges, disagreement,
> dissent, kibbitzing welcome !
okay !
\______________________________________________________________________/
|
|
|
this space contains eight John Cage symphonies and blueberry topping
^
|
that "this space" doesn't refer to this space but to that space.
^
|
not an "o", but
a really tiny
blueberry which
tastes like
Willy Wonka's
bicycle seat.
^
|
even tinier blueberry
but this one tastes good
and that's is too bad because
it's so tiny that nobody
can taste it at all.
^
|
period?
^
|
whitespace caked with
unidentified white powder
escape hatch -->
NO STEP
> metalevel writings
> i've avoided metalevel exchanges. apparently enganging in
> metalevel exchanges foment inflamatory contributions rather than
> moderating back to the original idea or ideas of topics, subjects
> for the original exchanges.
If you want to make exchanges, you'll have to show your receipts.
> and I would aim to be funnier ! or a better straightman !
> or a better foil !
Something along the lines of gold leaf?
-- K.
This article is very
carefully-formatted,
even though it's
shaped like nothing.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: ne.general,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: the metalevel
Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2005 18:48:29 -0500
In ne.general, Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote:
>
> on the internet nobody knows if you are a turning machine
I'm sure Alan Turning could tell, if he's not too busy sailing in
the America's Cup and running a bunch of cable channels.
Also, I fail to see what this has to do with the Boston Public Library.
-- K.
Long after people have stopped
reading books, libraries will
remain as a place where people
can still go to pass gas.
In the library, nobody knows
if you are a fartin' machine.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Christmas Eve
Date: Sat, 24 Dec 2005 21:48:06 -0500
Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote:
>
> I know it will be tough, but the sooner you go to bed the sooner tomorrow
> morning will come revealing whether Kibo has loosed another Christmas Spot
> story upon the world.
They don't necessarily happen at 12:01 am, you know. So there's a good
chance you'll wake up before I've finished writing it. Then there'll
be some more time needed for me to format it and post it without
proofreading it and then cancel it and repost it to fix some sentence
that had the words in the wrong order making the story stupid.
> So hush little Kibologists
> Don't say a word
> Or the kitten gets it.
I just hope you won't be disappointed that in the new episode of
"The Special Show!", I went out of my way not to use any of the
nouns anyone suggested, because I decided it would be better to
just say "Batman" a lot. Because everyone loves Batman, which
is why more people read comic books than watch all TV programs
combined. And "The Special Show!" is all TV programs combined,
which is why it always has Batman and causes brain damage.
Buckle the fuck up, it's going to be a bumpy night.
-- K.
At least my curry
came out good.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: The Special Show! Episode #10: Theory Of The Funny!
Date: Sun, 25 Dec 2005 00:53:46 -0500
Why do scripts put the names of characters in capitals? I dunno.
All I know is that they told me they wouldn't put this on as many
channels if I didn't use so many capitals.
I wrote this on December 24, 2005.
Kibo presents
-------------------------
THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!!
-------------------------
episode #10:
"The Theory Of The Funny!"
broadcast on December 25, 2005
(C) Copyright 2005 James "Kibo" Parry
(INTERIOR PADDED CELL. The walls are white. A stern NURSE,
who looks like LARRY KING in a dress, leans close to the
camera's fish-eye lens.)
NURSE
Because you were either very good or
very bad, now you get to watch
"The Special Show!"
CUT TO:
(Revolving chrome logo of "The Special Show!")
CUT TO:
(Highly complicated flow chart with the camera panning about wildly.)
ANNOUNCER
(voice-over)
Tonight's story begins in the oval at top left!
CUT TO:
(ESTABLISHING SHOT -- EXTERIOR HOSPITAL.)
DISSOLVE TO:
(INTERIOR HOSPITAL. A DOCTOR is examining KIBO by pressing a
stethoscope to the back of his hand.)
KIBO
Give it to me straight, Doctor.
DOCTOR
Kibo, you have cancer... and Alzheimer's.
KIBO
Well, at least I don't have cancer.
(Two WOMP-WOMP GUYS holding trombones are now standing behind KIBO.
The first plays a rising note, then the other one plays a falling note.)
DOCTOR
Who are they?
KIBO
Oh, they're my Womp-Womp Guys. They
appear whenever I need to show how
funny a joke was.
DOCTOR
Oh. I just have a single Womp-Womp-Wa-Wa
Guy, myself. Anyway, let me make a note
about the seriousness of your illness on
your bill.
(The DOCTOR begins to write.)
KIBO
Doctor, why are you writing with a
rectal thermometer?
DOCTOR
Because some asshole walked off with
my pen!
(A WOMP-WOMP-WA-WA GUY is now behind the DOCTOR, and plays three
short notes and one long note on his trombone.)
KIBO
My Womp-Womp guys can beat up your
Womp-Womp-Wa-Wa guy.
DOCTOR
You may have two of 'em, but my guy
knows how to play FOUR notes.
KIBO
Get 'im, guys.
(CAMERA TILTS thirty degrees to the left. Go-go music plays
as the three musicians start throwing roundhouse punches in
a slow and careful manner. Every time one of them connects,
another TRUMPET GUY appears and plays a very loud note.
The first TRUMPET GUY has a T-shirt that says "POW!", the
second says "SOCKO!", the third says "BIFF!", etc. In a few
moments there are fifty or sixty of them in the office.)
DOCTOR
This isn't accomplishing anything!
KIBO
Yes, all we've learned is that it's bad
to have musicians around!
DOCTOR
All you guys better disappear or I'll
release the Blob!
(The DOCTOR holds up a stoppered test tube full of red stuff,
but the WOMP-WOMP GUYS, WOMP-WOMP-WA-WA GUYS, and TRUMPET GUYS
ignore him. The DOCTOR uncorks the test tube and the room
quickly fills with red Jell-O.)
CUT TO:
(EXTERIOR HOSPITAL.)
(The hospital building bursts and a tidal wave of red Jell-O
comes out. KIBO is surfing the wave by standing on the back
of a BONGO GUY playing the rhythm from the song "Wipe Out".)
KIBO
(speaking to camera)
Wow, having cancer is fun!
BONGO GUY
I thought you thought you had Alzheimer's,
not cancer.
KIBO
Your logic does not impress me because it
was not accompanied by a music sting.
(MR. SPOCK is now standing on the BONGO GUY next to KIBO.)
MR. SPOCK
Logic is defined as the method or action of
explaining that you are a bozo.
(A LOGIC GUY, in a "LOGIC GUY" T-shirt, is standing behind
MR. SPOCK and gives him a thumbs-up while grinning madly.)
KIBO
Oh.
BONGO GUY
Wow, this is a bitchin' wave.
KIBO
Look out, we're going to crash into the next scene!
CUT TO:
(EXTERIOR SCIENCE LAB. A sign reads "Institute For Benny
Hill Research.")
(INTERIOR SCIENCE LAB. Two SCIENTISTS in white coats are
writing on clipboards as they watch BENNY HILL and HERMAN
MUNSTER chasing each other in double-speed circles on
the other side of a one-way mirror.)
(MUSIC: "Yakety Sax")
FIRST SCIENTIST
Soon we will understand why Benny Hill
is so funny!
SECOND SCIENTIST
And then we can harness that power for
evil scientific purposes, hooray!
FIRST SCIENTIST
Look, he's speeding up again.
(KIBO enters by crashing through the wall, carried into
the scene by the tidal wave of red fluid.)
KIBO
Ohhhh yeahhhhhh!
SECOND SCIENTIST
Hey, you're interfering with our science
here at the Institute For Benny Hill Research.
FIRST SCIENTIST
You need to leave so that we will not
be distracted while we try to comprehend
the mysteries of Benny Hill!
KIBO
(sarcastic)
Oooh, take that, Benny Hill!
SECOND SCIENTIST
You shouldn't be mocking Benny Hill.
Didn't you just reference an old Kool-Aid
commercial, and right before that, the
ten millionth known facile "Batman" pastiche?
KIBO
All that was a typo.
(KIBO holds up the script and points to some stuff.)
KIBO
Those scenes were actually supposed to be the
letter "j", but my finger slipped off the "j"
key and wrote stuff about Batman.
FIRST SCIENTIST
J?
SECOND SCIENTIST
J?
KIBO
Yeah, J.
FIRST SCIENTIST
Oh.
KIBO
No, J.
SECOND SCIENTIST
I see.
KIBO
No! J! J!
FIRST SCIENTIST
Dyn-o-mite?
KIBO
No! You scientists are ruining
this whole episode! And neither of
you is watching Benny Hill!
(The SCIENTISTS look at the one-way mirror and notice
that BENNY HILL and HERMAN MUNSTER have vanished, and
there is a HERMAN MUNSTER-shaped hole in the wall.
MUSIC STOPS.)
FIRST SCIENTIST
Cripes! Benny Hill is on the loose!
SECOND SCIENTIST
Sound the Benny Hill alarm!
Alert condition: Cheeky!
(An indicator on the wall rises past "Naughty", "Fresh",
"Saucy", and "Ribald" to "Cheeky". Higher levels are
"Randy", "Knickers", and "Fartin'".)
KIBO
You fools! You have unleashed Benny Hill
on a world that can barely comprehend him!
FIRST SCIENTIST
We'll have to call in the only man who
can fight Benny Hill on an equal footing.
KIBO
You mean...?
BATMAN
(entering)
I'm... Batman!
BOTH SCIENTISTS
(together)
Thanks for coming, Batman!
KIBO
(overlapping with previous)
Dammit, it's Batman again.
BATMAN
What seems to be the problem, citizens?
KIBO
I'm not a citizen of this fictional Gotham City,
I'm real. I host this show.
BATMAN
Nobody hosts my show! I'm Batman!
FIRST SCIENTIST
Batman, you have to help us stop Benny Hill!
BATMAN
I don't have to do anything! I'm Batman!
KIBO
Shut up and go square-dance with Benny Hill
in fast-motion while punching noises are
dubbed in so that people will think you're
doing something.
BATMAN
All right, I'll go apprehend that vaunted
villain of vivacious vaudeville, that
vile vermin whose vigorously vapid vim is --
KIBO
Shut up!
BATMAN
Nobody tells me to shut up! I'm Batman!
KIBO
No, I'm Batman!
BATMAN
No, I'm the real Batman!
KIBO
You're the real fictional Batman! But I'm
real for real! Therefore even if I'm not
Batman, when I'm impersonating Batman I'm
still real on some level, unlike you --
you're just a pop culture reference even
Roy Lichtenstein considered trite!
BATMAN
But I have this mask.
KIBO
So? I have one too.
(KIBO takes a Batman mask out of his pocket and puts it on.)
FIRST SCIENTIST
Ye gods, they're identical!
SECOND SCIENTIST
Identical at every level!
FIRST SCIENTIST
Every level is how they're identical!
SECOND SCIENTIST
Identical!
BOTH SCIENTISTS
(together)
Identical, identical, identical!
(SPOCK, dripping with red goo, climbs in through the hole
in the wall.)
SPOCK
Logically, if the two of you are identical,
I have no choice but to assume you are both
the real Batman.
(KIBO yanks off his mask.)
KIBO
And I'm also Kibo!
BATMAN
Dammit, he's got me there. I'm only Batman,
not Kibo. I could never be Kibo. I'm just
not awesome enough.
(All lights go down except for a spotlight on KIBO.
MUSIC: children's chorus singing the word "Awesome!"
Lights come back up.)
KIBO
Aw, shucks, you're embarrassing me.
BATMAN
Then stop writing me embarrassing you.
KIBO
I'm tired of your attempts to pretend
that this is meta-fiction. You're just
a fictional character, not a meta-fictional
character.
FIRST SCIENTIST
What's a meta-fictional character?
KIBO
An example of a meta-fictional character
would be that guy who's a million times
funnier than Benny Hill. Look, there he is!
(KIBO points and they look through the hole in the wall.
The hole just shows static, with a loud buzzing noise.)
FIRST SCIENTIST
I can't see anything.
KIBO
That's because the guys who's a million times
funnier than Benny Hill is meta-fictional,
so he's not visible to those of you who
are just fictional.
SECOND SCIENTIST
What a concept!
(SECOND SCIENTIST's head explodes.)
FIRST SCIENTIST
Oh, now look what you did.
KIBO
Actually, I didn't do that. It was another typo.
Where the script says his head explodes, I was
actually trying to type a "7".
BATMAN
And how is this... "seven"... supposed to help
me beat up Benny Hill?
KIBO
You'd better be careful, because seven ate nine!
BATMAN
I don't get it.
KIBO
Of course you don't. I heard that one from that
guy who's a million times funnier than Benny Hill.
FIRST SCIENTIST
(gasps)
Then you have achieve what we here at the
Institute For Benny Hill Research have
dreamed of -- you have touched the level
of wackiness beyond Benny Hill!
KIBO
Yes, and also, I seven the sandbox!
BATMAN
Oh yeah? Well, I eight the sandbox!
Oh, what have I said? The horror!
I have accidentally painted myself into
a corner by defining my fictional past
to include an incident in which I ate
a sandbox!
(BATMAN belches and a little plastic shovel
and pail pop out of his mouth.)
KIBO
Now if you'll excuse me, I must go.
(KIBO runs away at triple speed.)
(MUSIC: "Yakety Sax")
CUT TO:
(EXTERIOR GOTHAM CITY.)
(KIBO runs through the streets, faster and faster.
He knocks cars and trucks out of the way, causing
horrible accidents. He runs up the side of a
skyscraper and jumps off the top, flying miles
through the air, landing on a little kid's cupcake
at a picnic.)
LITTLE KID
Waah!
KIBO
Sorry about your birthday cupcake, kid.
Here, have a Batman mask.
(KIBO hands the kid his Batman mask. KID puts it
on.)
KID
Yayyy! I'm Batman!
KIBO
Now go kill Benny Hill!
(KID runs away. KIBO smiles to himself and checks
what's in his pocket by pulling out several more
Batman masks and then putting them back.)
KIBO
Meanwhile, I wonder whether that
doctor ever got his pen back.
CUT TO:
(INTERIOR HOSPITAL. The DOCTOR is covered in red slime
and the left side of his body is missing.)
DOCTOR
The Blob dissolved the left side of
my body!
(A pen is tossed into frame. It sticks in the DOCTOR's
gaping wound.)
DOCTOR
But at least that's my pen.
(The BLOB rears up behind him and forms a giant mouth
which engulfs him completely. The mouth speaks.)
BLOB
Yum! Now that I've eaten everyone in this
scene, I'm going to go re-create that famous
scene where the Blob came into a movie theater!
CUT TO:
(INTERIOR MOVIE THEATER. Fifties-style people wearing
3-D glasses are watching stock footage of wacky old airplanes
that fail to fly by flapping their wings. Suddenly the
stock footage cuts to the famous scene of the BLOB invading
a theater. The audience members smile appreciatively.)
FIRST AUDIENCE MEMBER
How clever! It's a reference to a classic film!
(CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that the audience watching
"The Blob" is actually in a film being projected on a screen
at another theater. The only audience member is the BLOB.)
BLOB
This is recursively awful!
(CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that all this is on the
TV screen in the belly of one of the TELLYTUBBIES.)
TELLYTUBBY
Yayyyy!
SECOND TELLYTUBBY
Again! Again!
(CAMERA ZOOMS IN on the belly-screen. But this time
we see scratchy stock footage of KIBO holding down SPOCK
and hitting his head with a hammer over and over. CAMERA
ZOOMS OUT to the TELLYTUBBIES again.)
SECOND TELLYTUBBY
That not again! That new!
TELLYTUBBY
My tummy hurts!
(TELLYTUBBY's head explodes.)
SECOND TELLYTUBBY
Uh-oh!
(SECOND TELLYTUBBY's head explodes. BENNY HILL
climbs out of the costume through the bloody neck-hole.)
BENNY HILL
(talking to the camera)
I was going to explain everything now,
but Kibo told me only he gets to talk
to the camera because it's his show.
KIBO
(entering)
Shove off!
(BENNY HILL runs away at double speed.)
(MUSIC: "Jingle Bell Rock")
KIBO
Apparently we already used up all the
Benny Hill music. Well, that hardly matters,
because we're now at the point where we drop
all the previous stuff so that the plot can begin.
(A small sign saying "THE PLOT BEGINS" pops out of
the corpse of the first dead TELLYTUBBY.)
(MUSIC: Children's chorus singing "The plot begins!")
CUT TO:
(EXTERIOR OUTER SPACE. The Earth is floating in space.)
(MUSIC: creepy Theremin noises)
(CAMERA ZOOMS IN on the Earth, flying down through the
clouds, closer and closer, to a city, to a building,
through a window, to a cardboard box. REGIS PHILBIN
enters and pulls a teddy bear out of the box.)
REGIS PHILBIN
And the person to whom this teddy bear
belongs is...
(MUSIC: drum roll)
CUT TO:
(Silhouette of a person, filled with static, accompanied
by a loud buzzing noises.)
REGIS PHILBIN
(voice-over)
...a guy one million times funnier than
Benny Hill and Batman combined!
CUT TO:
(REGIS holding the teddy bear.)
REGIS PHILBIN
We can't see him because he's meta-fictional.
That means he won't be appearing in this
episode of "The Special Show!", unlike...
(MUSIC: drum roll)
CUT TO:
(Photo of ABRAHAM LINCOLN.)
REGIS PHILBIN
(voice-over)
Ben Franklin!
(The photo turns into the real ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
He is shift-eyed.)
LINCOLN
Nobody must know I'm not the real Ben Franklin.
(THOMAS JEFFERSON rides up on a unicycle.)
JEFFERSON
Yo, Franklin, can I borrow your password
to the Hellfire Club?
LINCOLN
Uh... sure. It's... um... "Fidelio".
JEFFERSON
Thanks, sucker!
(JEFFERSON laughs maniacally as he rides off on his
unicycle. GEORGE WASHINGTON walks up holding a
large cardboard "J".)
WASHINGTON
J.
LINCOLN
J is for jam, like the guts of the Blob.
WASHINGTON
(to the camera, very patronizingly)
Do you know what sound J makes?
LINCOLN
Juh!
WASHINGTON
J... juh!
LINCOLN
J is also for Jetski!
(Instantly, they are both on Jetskis, cruising across
the surf.)
(MUSIC: Pounding techno)
WASHINGTON
(looking over his shoulder)
Watch out, here come the Yakuza!
(They duck as four YAKUZA on Jetskis shoot at them.
LINCOLN pulls a bazooka out of his trousers.
CAMERA REMAINS ON LINCOLN as he fires offscreen.)
WASHINGTON
(pointing)
Look, you're blowing them up!
(Scratchy black and white stock footage of a nuclear explosion.)
LINCOLN
And dat's da name of dat explosion! Boo-yah!
WASHINGTON
Wait, I forgot, we don't know how to ride
Jetskis!
(They scream and crash into each other. We see the same
stock footage of the nuclear explosion again.)
(FADE TO BLACK.)
(A large "J" FADES IN against the black.)
REGIS PHILBIN
(voice-over)
The letter J has killed again!
(KIBO enters, walking behind the giant J against black.)
KIBO
Regis, stop yelling at my J!
(KIBO picks up the large J and, with some difficulty,
carries it as he exits. The screen is black.)
REGIS PHILBIN
(voice-over)
I guess this means the show's over, folks!
(slurping sounds) Yuck, here comes the Blob!
The Blob is eating my face! Get it off me!
(screaming, then silence)
(We see the black screen for several seconds.)
(MUSIC: "Yakety Sax" slowly coming up)
(BENNY HILL, running for his life, crosses the screen,
followed by a man made of static. The STATIC MAN chases
BENNY HILL across the screen repeatedly, then catches
him and throws him to the ground. STATIC MAN sits on
BENNY HILL's face and farts loudly.)
CUT TO:
(INTERIOR CARDBOARD BOX. SPOCK, BATMAN, and a TEDDY BEAR
their size are inside it.)
SPOCK
That was highly illogical.
BATMAN
And I fail to see how watching a TV show about
farting will help our audience with their civics
homework.
SPOCK
Batman, this show's made for mental patients.
Mental patients don't have to do civic homework.
BATMAN
(wide-eyed)
You mean they're all already civics experts?
SPOCK
(rolling his eyes)
Yes, Batman, they're all civics experts.
TEDDY BEAR
Pipe down, you numbskulls!
(The TEDDY BEAR knocks their heads together and drops
their unconscious bodies.)
TEDDY BEAR
And now, the conclusion.
(A screen appears on the TEDDY BEAR's belly. CAMERA ZOOMS IN
on screen. It shows the BLOB eating people in a movie theater.
The DOCTOR comes running through.)
DOCTOR
(crying)
My pen, my pen!
(CAMERA ZOOMS IN on the theater's movie screen. It shows
an episode of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" where
REGIS PHILBIN is talking to BENNY HILL.)
REGIS PHILBIN
Benny, for one million dollars, which of
the following is the tenth letter of the
English alphabet? A! B! C! K!
BENNY HILL
Regis, I'd like to use a lifeline.
REGIS PHILBIN
I'm sorry, Benny, you used up all your
lifelines on the question about the nature
of reality.
BENNY HILL
Oh yeah, I forgot.
REGIS PHILBIN
The answer to that one was that we were
neither fictional nor non-fictional,
but simply taking up space.
BENNY HILL
Oh.
REGIS PHILBIN
Wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong! The correct
answer was "J"! You leave with... nothing!
(REGIS holds up a zero-dollar bill with a picture
of ABRAHAM LINCOLN picking his noze. CAMERA ZOOMS IN
on LINCOLN.)
LINCOLN
I cannot tell a lie. I am still
Ben Franklin.
(A YAKUZA in a pin-stripe suit shoots LINCOLN in the
back of the head.)
YAKUZA
Now I am President of the Urited Snates!
KIBO
(entering)
Wait, this has degenerated to the point where
even the racism doesn't make any sense.
YAKUZA
Don't you dale carr me a lacist steleofype!
You die now!
(The YAKUZA shoots KIBO in the head twice, but nothing
happens.)
KIBO
You haven't been listening. I'm not fictional.
That's why I can't die. But you, on the other
hand --
(KIBO raises his hand and makes a slight gesture.
YAKUZA's head explodes.)
KIBO
And now, the grand finale.
(A curtain rises behind him. We see a thousand-piece
orchestra where all the MUSICIANS are dressed as Batman.
KIBO runs up to the podium, picks up the conductor's
baton, and leads the orchestra in playing two notes:)
(MUSIC: "Womp-womp!")
(KIBO bows as all the MUSICIANS' heads explode.)
CUT TO:
(INTERIOR PADDED CELL. REGIS PHILBIN is now dressed as
a nurse. He puts his face close to the camera's fisheye
lens.)
REGIS PHILBIN
Thank you for being forced to watch
"The Special Show!" We hope it has
provided some sort of therapy for
you, or for the people who made you
watch it, assuming none of them are
fictional.
(REGIS coughs and a little shovel and pail fall out of
his mouth. A pen, thrown from offscreen, gets stuck
in the back of his head.)
(CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that we were actually
looking at REGIS in a mirror. The real REGIS -- moving
separately from his reflection -- addresses us.)
REGIS PHILBIN
Wait, hold on, you made a mistake.
You didn't watch "The Special Show!",
you were watching its reflection in a
mirror. To undo the damage, you'll
have to watch the real show -- the
exact opposite of what you just saw --
which we will present in thirty seconds.
See you on the flip side!
(CLOSING CREDITS, then roll episode #10a.)
-- K.
Stay tuned.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: The Special Show! Episode #10a: The Back Of The Other Episode!
Date: Sun, 25 Dec 2005 00:55:53 -0500
I wrote this on December 24 and 25, 2005.
Kibo presents
-------------------------
THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!!
-------------------------
episode #10a:
"The Back Of The Other Episode!"
broadcast on December 25, 2005
(C) Copyright 2005 James "Kibo" Parry
(INTERIOR PADDED CALL. The camera is slewing around
drunkenly and the colors keep changing. A stern NURSE,
who looks like REGIS PHILBIN in drag, is standing in
front of a mirror.)
NURSE
Stop looking into that mirror! It's time
for "The Special Show!"
(She punches the mirror, which shatters, revealing
the revolving chrome logo of "The Special Show!")
ANNOUNCER
(voice-over)
"The Special Show!" was created by
this team of eminent psychiatrists...
CUT TO:
(INTERIOR WOOD-PANELED CONFERENCE ROOM. A dozen very
serious-looking elderly PSYCHIATRISTS are sitting around
a table staring at the camera silently.)
ANNOUNCER
(voice-over)
...specifically for this target audience...
CUT TO:
(INTERIOR PADDED CELL. A CRAZY GUY wearing a Napoleon
hat and straitjacket is hanging upside down with his
eyes crossed and his tongue hanging out as he laughs
maniacally for several seconds. A PSYCHIATRIST from
the previous shot enters and points at him.)
PSYCHIATRIST
(very seriously)
This man is crazy.
(The NURSE enters.)
NURSE
Doctor, I think he's asking to watch
"The Special Show!"
PSYCHIATRIST
Then I prescribe that we force him to
do what he wants. Give him "The Special
Show!"
(The NURSE pulls a video cable out of a wall socket
and attaches it to the tail end of a syringe. She
sticks the needle into the CRAZY GUY's arm -- through
the straitjacket sleeve -- and presses the plunger.)
(CAMERA ZOOMS IN to the syringe and shoots down the
needle into a blood vessel. The red blood cells form
up into the logo of "The Special Show!")
ANNOUNCER
(voice-over)
The! Special! Show!
(The blood cells re-arrange themselves into the
following disclaimer, which the announcer reads:)
ANNOUNCER
"The Special Show!" is produced for the
exclusive use of state mental asylums and
must not under any circumstances be enjoyed
by any sane people. Any sane person who
enjoys "The Special Show!" will be committed
to a mental institution.
(The blood cells re-arrange into a picture of Kibo.)
ANNOUNCER
And now, here's the host of "The Special Show!",
the world's greatest humanitarian, Kibo!
DISSOLVE TO:
(STAGE. KIBO strides out from behind the curtains,
dressed like Chester A. Arthur.)
KIBO
Hey everyone, look at me! I'm dressed
like Chester A. Arthur! (pause) Okay,
I admit it, even I don't know what a
Chester A. Arthur costume could look like
to make you recognize that I'm Chester A.
Arthur.
(Enter another KIBO, dressed normally except
with a T-shirt saying "I'M CHESTER A. ARTHUR".)
KIBO 2
Look at me! I'm Chester A. Arthur!
KIBO
Hey, you're not supposed to be here.
The immutable laws of physics prohibit
me from meeting myself.
KIBO 2
Oh, you and your laws of physics.
Don't take them so seriously. Did you
know that the laws of physics were made
up by this guy?
CUT TO:
(ALBERT EINSTEIN, wearing a Napoleon hat and
straitjacket, hanging upside down, laughing
maniacally.)
CUT TO:
KIBO
You just made a valid point, me.
KIBO 2
Why, thank you, even smarter me.
KIBO
Aw, shucks, you flatter me by telling
the truth about how brilliant I am.
KIBO 2
Tweren't nothing, especially as you're
the smartest one on this stage. Hey,
wait -- that means I'm the dumbest one
on this stage!
KIBO
(points and laughs)
Haw haw! You're dumb!
KIBO 2
I may be dumb, but I'm still glad I'm not
this guy!
CUT TO:
(ALBERT EINSTEIN, still hanging upside down,
crying like a baby and wetting himself.)
(NURSE enters.)
NURSE
You're a patient in a mental asylum,
yet you still insist on calling yourself
"Dr. Einstein". You can't be a doctor
and a patient at the same time!
(She holds up his diploma and puts it into
a paper shredder which says "DIPLOMA SHREDDER"
on it. It makes the loudest noise possible,
drowning out EINSTEIN's crying.)
NURSE
Gee, I wonder what other office equipment
is as loud as this official diploma shredder.
CUT TO:
(INTERIOR OFFICE. There are three EMPLOYEES.
The first one is using a stapler that has a sign
"WORLD'S LOUDEST STAPLER" on it. It is very loud.)
EMPLOYEE 1
I am enjoying the loudness of my stapler.
EMPLOYEE 2
I'm not. It startled me and I swallowed my gum.
EMPLOYEE 1
That's very bad. Don't you know that if
you swallow your gum, it stays in your
stomach for ten years?
EMPLOYEE 3
That's just an old wives' tale and anyone
who believes it is an idiot. The truth is
that after you swallow seven pieces of
gum, they fuse into a glorm.
EMPLOYEE 1
(nervously)
Um... I think that was the sixth one...
but maybe I forgot one...
EMPLOYEE 2
What's a glorm?
EMPLOYEE 3
That must have been the seventh piece of gum,
because here comes the glorm!
(With a howling noise, a five-foot-wide wad of
pink gum floats in through the doorway and starts
slowly following EMPLOYEE 1 around the office.)
EMPLOYEE 1
Help! The glorb is after me!
EMPLOYEE 2
You got the name wrong. It's not a glorb.
It's a blorm.
EMPLOYEE 1
How do we stop this blorb?
EMPLOYEE 3
It's not a glorb, a blorm, or a blorb!
And you should never mention their names,
here they come!
(A wad of green gum, a wad of orange gum, and
a wad of purple gum also float through the doorway,
all making creepy howling noises.)
EMPLOYEE 1
Help! A blorp, a bleb, a smerp, and a spork
are after me!
EMPLOYEE 3
No, a spork is an eating utensil.
EMPLOYEE 1
Well, tell your tensil not to be eating me!
(The glorm forms into a big mouth and tries to bite
EMPLOYEE 1's face.)
EMPLOYEE 2
(grabbing the stapler)
Which one is most vulnerable to the World's
Loudest Stapler -- the florp, the bleb,
the krunk, or the spenis?
EMPLOYEE 3
Look out, they're converging!
(The four wads of gum fuse together into one huge
bright red BLOB which falls to the floor and starts
oozing around.)
EMPLOYEE 1
It's the Blob!
EMPLOYEE 3
Of course! Because this is the mirror image of
the previous episode, since the Blob was in that
episode, the Blob has to be in this episode too!
Just like Regis Philbin!
(REGIS PHILBIN enters.)
REGIS PHILBIN
Hi, I'm Regis Philbin, and --
(The BLOB grabs him.)
REGIS PHILBIN
(screaming)
It's digesting me! No! Not my
talented face! I feel myself fusing
with it at the genetic level!
(REGIS and the BLOB fuse together into a large red
wad shaped like a six-foot-tall Regis face.)
EMPLOYEE 3
Oh no! The two of them have merged
into Regis Philblob!
REGIS PHILBLOB
Who wants to be digested?
Is that your final answer?
Is that your final answer?
EMPLOYEE 2
Wow, what an out-dated reference.
EMPLOYEE 3
That must have something to do with this
being the mirror image of the good show.
EMPLOYEE 1
(to EMPLOYEE 2)
Hey, that's my stapler! Drop it!
(EMPLOYEE 2 drops the World's Loudest Stapler.
When it hits the ground it goes "BOOM!" and the
entire building shakes.)
CUT TO:
(EXTERIOR OFFICE BUILDING. Shock waves spread out
from the building as the noise reverberates.)
CUT TO:
(EXTERIOR OUTER SPACE. The Earth floats. Shock waves
spread out from one of the cities.)
CUT TO:
(EXTERIOR PALATIAL MANSION. KIBO is tanning himself by
the swimming pool while wearing earmuffs. He doesn't
notice as the loud, echoey shockwaves pass through the
picture.)
KIBO
You know, I wonder what makes Benny Hill tick.
CUT TO:
(ESTABLISHING SHOT -- SCARY STADIUM AT NIGHT)
ANNOUNCER
(voice-over, on loudspeakers)
Ladies and gentlemen, the Scientific Death Arena
presents the research fight of the decade, to
answer the question, who would win in a fight
between Benny Hill and the Six Million Dollar Man?
CUT TO:
(INTERIOR STADIUM -- wrestling ring)
(Two large cardboard rectangles with the word "OBVIOUS"
written on each in a different font are hanging from
nearly-invisible wires. The two rectangles pretend to
have a fight.)
(KIBO is in the audience sitting next to a YAKUZA wearing
a pin-striped suit.)
KIBO
Please thank your Yakuza boss for getting
me a ticket for this scientific research fight.
YAKUZA
It is an hona to do so. But, Kibo-san,
which lectangle is Mr. Benny Hirr?
KIBO
Watch!
(One of the rectangles knocks the other rectangle down
and farts on it.)
KIBO
(not laughing)
He's not exactly Benny Hill-arious.
At best, he's Benny Ha-Ha.
YAKUZA
Ah so, Benny Ha-Ha is my favorite lestaulant!
Ching ching chong ching chow!
KIBO
That's very offensive. Japanese people
don't actually talk like that. Only Chinese
people do.
YAKUZA
Prease to be velly solly most honolable sil.
Pearlharborpearlharborpearlharbor.
KIBO
That's much better. You may appear in the
next scene.
CUT TO:
(STAGE. The YAKUZA is holding up a card which says
"UNDERACTING & OVERACTING THEATER".)
YAKUZA
Ploudly plesent "Undelacting and Ovelacting
Theata!"
(YAKUZA exits. Enter two cheap-looking ROBOTS.
The first one speaks without moving at all.)
ROBOT 1
(monotone)
Oh no we are all going to die hey look a
cookie hey this cookie tastes yummy.
ROBOT 2
(flailing arms and jumping up and down)
I HATE THE OCEAN!!! IT'S LIKE A BIG TOILET
WITH TOO MANY FISH IN IT!!! MY UNDERWEAR
IS TOO TIGHT!!! I SWALLOWED A NICKEL!!!
AAAAAA NIIIIIIIICKELLLLLL!!!!!!!!
ROBOT 1
(monotone)
A nickel is worth five cents and I have
cancer and I ate a cookie.
ROBOT 2
(flailing and jumping)
I DIDN'T GET A COOKIE!!!!!!!!
CUT TO:
(EXTERIOR PALATIAL MANSION. KIBO is still lounging by
the pool, but now he's dressed like Chester A. Arthur again.)
KIBO
Hmm, I wonder if the robot got cancer
from eating that cookie? Robots aren't
as likely to get cancer as regular people.
People get cancer just by knowing what
a Longaberger basket is. But why are
you bothering me here at my pool? You
should be entertaining yourselves by
listening to an old-time radio program!
(KIBO switches on a giant antique radio. We see
a close-up of the radio during the rest of the scene.)
RADIO ANNOUNCER
(voice-over)
It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your
children are? We do. And now, another
episode of "Andy Rooney Goes Down A Slide
Into Something!"
ANDY ROONEY
(voice-over)
Maybe I won't seem so elderly if people know
I enjoy sliding down brightly-colored playground
slides like the one I'm on. (pause) Whee!
Oh no, celery!
(Loud crunch.)
ANDY ROONEY
(voice-over)
Help me, I'm old!
RADIO ANNOUNCER
(voice-over)
And now, the weather. He's the weather map.
(Nothing happens for several seconds.)
RADIO ANNOUNCER
(voice-over)
And now, another episode of "Andy Rooney
Goes Down A Slide Into Something!"
ANDY ROONEY
(voice-over)
I sure hope that when I go down the slide
this time I won't land in anything messy.
(pause) Whee! Oh no, creamed corn!
(Loud splat.)
ANDY ROONEY
(voice-over)
Help me, I'm old!
RADIO ANNOUNCER
(voice-over)
And now, the old-time radio channel ends its
broadcast day. Thank you for listening, your
radio will now self-destruct.
(The radio explodes. KIBO is still sunning himself,
with his eyes closed.)
KIBO
Well, that killed time, didn't it?
Did you notice how you couldn't actually
see the weather map on the radio? That was
sort of clever. That's the miracle of old-time
radio -- you had to use your imagination to make
up a better program than what you were listening to.
(Enter ABRAHAM LINCOLN as KIBO's butler.)
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
I, your butler, am bringing you your tea, sir.
(KIBO smacks the tray out of LINCOLN's hand.)
KIBO
I didn't ask for tea, you stinkin' Lincoln!
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Very well, sir. I'll get back in my box with
Batman.
(LINCOLN walks back to the mansion, goes inside, and
climbs into a large cardboard box. BATMAN is also
inside, sitting on a large piece of bubble wrap.)
BATMAN
Well?
LINCOLN
He wouldn't drink the poison tea.
BATMAN
Curse Kibo's deviously clever finickiness.
LINCOLN
Well, we'll try again tomorrow. Good night.
(They pull the bubble wrap over themselves like a
blanket and start snoring.)
(Back at the pool, KIBO is also snoring. Then the
KOOL-AID PITCHER enters by smashing through the
picket fence.)
KOOL-AID MAN
Ohhhhh yeahhhhh!
(KIBO, annoyed at being woken up, trips him.)
KOOL-AID MAN
Whoops!
(He falls into the pool.)
KOOL-AID MAN
(sinking)
Help, my precious bodily fluids are being
diluted!
(The red face fades from the pitcher, and at the same
time a larger red face appears on the surface of the pool.)
KOOL-AID MAN
(weakly)
Oh no, I am dilute! I am less intense!
I am less extreme!
(KIBO grabs a little chain connected to a plug at the
bottom of the pool, and prepares to yank it.)
KIBO
Like all the best pools, my pool drains
directly into the ocean!
(KIBO pulls the plug and KOOL-AID MAN screams as
he is sucked down the drain.)
(CAMERA ZOOMS OUT and flies into the sky, up through the
clouds. The Earth is still floating in space. The oceans
turn read and a face appears in the mid-Atlantic.)
KOOL-AID MAN
(very faintly)
I am now so dilute nobody will ever
love me!
THE SUN
(developing a face and pointing)
Haw haw! You're homeopathically pathetic!
CUT TO:
(INTERIOR ANIMATION STUDIO. There are hundreds of
sweat-stained KOREAN ANIMATORS drawing at frantic speed.
MATT GROENING is writing a letter.)
MATT GROENING
(reading what he's writing)
Dear... Kibo... please... stop... stealing...
one... of... our... many... catchphrases.
Sincerely... Matt... Groening.
(He folds up the letter and puts it in an envelope,
then licks the envelope and winces in pain.)
MATT GROENING
Ow! I got a paper cut on my tongue!
HUNDREDS OF KOREAN ANIMATORS
(pointing)
Haw haw!
(A single tear slides down MATT's cheek.)
KIBO
(voice-over)
Hey, that was a good tear! And now,
let's check in with Andy Rooney!
(We continue to see MATT GROENING with the tear
sliding slowly down his cheek while we hear the
old-time radio program.)
ANDY ROONEY
(voice-over)
Maybe if I close my eyes before I go down
this slide, I won't get scared... (pause)
Whee! Oh no, hermit crabs!
(Many snapping sounds.)
ANDY ROONEY
(voice-over)
Help me, I'm old!
(A single drop of blood falls from MATT GROENING's
tongue.)
KIBO
(voice-over)
We could never have shown that back in the
days when all entertainment was wholesome...
CUT TO:
(EXTERIOR DEEP SPACE. Stars are streaming past the camera
like wobbly snowflakes. A title in block letters zooms
out of the distance: "GENE RODDENBERRY'S WAGON TRAIN
TO SECOND BASE".)
ANNOUNCER
(voice-over)
Gene Roddenberry's Wagon Train To Second Base!
Brought to you by:
CUT TO:
(Photo of a Longaberger basket.)
ANNOUNCER
(voice-over)
Longaberger baskets! Remember, you only
get cancer if you know what one is!
I said that earlier in this episode so
you should've known it was a plot point!
ANGRY PERSON
(voice-over, off-mike)
That's not a plot point because there's
no damn plot!
ANNOUNCER
(voice-over)
How did you get in here -- hey, let go of
the microphone --
ANGRY PERSON
(voice-over, overlapping with previous)
People of the world, listen to me!
The show you are watching is a scam!
It's not a real show! It's just a script
that you're reading on the Internet!
(Sound of a scuffle, much grunting and punching.)
ANNOUNCER
(voice-over)
Please stand by, we'll --
ANGRY PERSON
(voice-over)
Damn you and your imaginary show and your
sponsor, Longaberger baskets!
(CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that KIBO is holding
the photo of the Longaberger basket. He chucks it
over his shoulder.)
KIBO
I have no idea who either of those people
were, but I assure you, you are actually
watching the show you think you're watching.
This is not your imagination. This is television.
And now, stay tuned to this perfectly real
television show as we present another
installment of "World's Adjective Noun!"
CUT TO:
(Photo of a small diamond with a faucet trickling
water on it.)
ANNOUNCER
(voice-over)
World's... Wettest... Diamond!
CUT TO:
(Woman with Pac-Man and his four ghost pals wiggling
around in her hair.)
ANNOUNCER
(voice-over)
World's... Weirdest... Dandruff!
CUT TO:
(An ameba seen through a microscope.)
ANNOUNCER
(voice-over)
World's... Gayest... Ameba!
CUT TO:
(A birthday cake with lit candles, sitting on the ground.)
ANNOUNCER
(voice-over)
World's... Flattest... Birthday Cake!
(SUPERMAN picks up a skyscraper and uses it to smash the
cake. JIMMY OLSEN enters.)
JIMMY OLSEN
My cake! My b-birthday cake! Why did
you smash my birthday cake, Superman?
SUPERMAN
(voice-over, thinking to himself)
I can't tell Jimmy the real reason I had to save
the world by destroying his cake!
(speaking aloud)
Jimmy, I crushed your cake because you suck!
(JIMMY OLSEN bursts into tears and runs away, crying.)
SUPERMAN
Say, I haven't seen my friend Batman lately.
(A FEDEX COURIER enters with a large cardboard box.)
FEDEX COURIER
Batman delivery for Mr. Superman!
(He hands SUPERMAN the box, and BATMAN's head pops out.)
BATMAN
Hello, Superman, old chum!
SUPERMAN
Great Scott! It's Batman! But why are you
living in a cardboard box?
BATMAN
Abraham Lincoln bogarted my Hefty bag.
CUT TO:
(EXTERIOR PALATIAL MANSION -- the trash is awaiting collection,
and ABRAHAM LINCOLN is up to his neck in one of the trash bags.)
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
At last, with Batman gone, I have this trash bag
all to myself!
(A trash truck pulls up and a GARBAGEMAN throws the bag
into the back, where it is immediately crushed by the
powerful hydraulic press. The GARBAGEMAN gets in
the truck and drives off. We see that the side of
the truck says "JOHN WILKES BOOTH RE-INCARNATED AS A
GARBAGE TRUCK.")
(KIBO enters and waves at the truck.)
KIBO
Hey, come back! I was still using that
Lincoln! I needed him for the next sketch,
where he gets into a boxing match against
a cardboard rectangle that represents
New Improved Fartless Benny Hill!
(to camera)
Well, now the show is ruined so we'll have
to stop here. Good night.
CUT TO:
(INTERIOR WOOD-PANELED CONFERENCE ROOM. The dozen elderly
psychiatrists are watching the previous scene on a small
TV set into one of the walls.)
PSYCHIATRIST
After however many episodes of "The Special Show!"
this has been, at last we're getting closer to
a cure for Albert Einstein.
CUT TO:
(INTERIOR PADDED CELL. EINSTEIN is still hanging upside
down crying hysterically, with the needle in his arm.
The NURSE enters.)
NURSE
Show's over, Albie.
(She pulls the needle out of his arm. There is a hissing
noise and her hair is blown back by the air escaping from
the little hole in EINSTEIN's arm. EINSTEIN deflates.)
NURSE
Well, that was unexpected.
(A cardboard rectangle with "I AM BENNY HILL" written
on it enters, dangling from wires. It presses up again
the hole in EINSTEIN's arm and farts into it for
several seconds, and EINSTEIN re-inflates.)
EINSTEIN
(chipper)
I'm cured!
NURSE
Good! Then as a reward, you can watch another
episode of "The Special Show!"
EINSTEIN
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
(CAMERA PANS OVER to mirror, showing a reflection of the
scene, except that in the mirror's version there are
two EINSTEINs hanging upside down and no cardboard
rectangle. Both EINSTEINs are screaming.)
(CAMERA PANS FURTHER OVER to show that there is another
mirror inside the mirror reflection, with the NURSE
hanging upside down screaming and EINSTEIN standing
next to her laughing.)
(CAMERA PANS EVEN FURTHER OVER to show yet another
mirror with yet another reflection. This one has
nothing but two cardboard rectangles marked "EINSTEIN"
and "NURSE".)
EINSTEIN
(voice-over)
I love you!
NURSE
(voice-over)
I love you too!
(The two rectangles begin kissing madly, with loud
smooching noises.)
CUT TO:
(CLOSING CREDITS.)
-- K.
Expect a Spot story in a few hours.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: STORY (new): Spot's Christmas Hole
Date: Sun, 25 Dec 2005 01:56:08 -0500
This is my fourteenth annual Christmas improvisation (twelve of
them have been about Spot, two about Einstein.) It's not as
elaborate as some of the others, mainly because I was having more
fun writing the two episodes of "The Special Show!" I just posted.
SPOT'S CHRISTMAS HOLE
(or: Spot's Twelfth First Christmas)
written December 25, 2005
Copyright (C) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry
Spot's parents, Spom and Spop, were fast asleep when Spot snuck out
of his little doggie bed at precisely 12:01 Christmas morning.
Spot hid behind the living room sofa and waited for Santa with his
widdle shotgun.
Spot was going to kill Santa, or at least permanently incapacitate
him so that he would never again do what he did last year...
Spot's vision got all ripply as he had a flashback to last year:
"Oh boy!" said Spot. "I got a present this year!" It was a
fun wooden duck with wheels and a string so he could pull it!
It was the best gift Spot ever got! And it had a little note
on it which said,
Dear Spot,
This is because you were good.
Santa
But at the same time, Spom and Spop were opening their present
from Santa, which was a year's supply of licorice-flavored
Army surplus dog food for Spot, with this note:
Dear Mr. & Mrs. Dog,
Your son Spot was incredibly naughty this year.
Enclosed is a list of the 8,157 bad things he did,
said, thought, or almost thought this year. Please
punish him completely. He is not a good dog.
Yours,
The Big Red Dude
P.S. Spot still doesn't know he's adopted.
You should probably tell him so he won't be surprised
when he grows up to be an ugly Boston Terrier.
Spot's Christmas that year was fine until he found out that the
icky dog food and the mean note to his parents trumped his
stupid little wooden duck. Spot cried until November.
This year, Spot vowed that things would be different. He had
made elaborate plans to get revenge on fat Santa. To keep
Santa from guessing what he was up to, Spot had pretended nothing
was up and mailed Santa a perfectly reasonable-looking Christmas
list (he wanted a Play-Doh Plastic Explosive Maker and a whole
set of Naked Rescue Heroes and at least half a pony.) To keep
Santa from reading his mind, because he knew that telepaths
couldn't read through hate, he had been thinking of nothing
but murdering Santa. And now he waited with the shotgun.
Then he fell asleep. And while he was asleep, he forgot to
keep thinking about killing Santa, and not thinking about
killing Santa allowed Santa to read Spot's mind and learn
that he wanted to kill Santa, so when Santa came down the
chimney he crept behind the sofa and took away Spot's shotgun.
Then he went over to the milk and cookies Spot had left for
Santa and threw the glass of cold milk in Spot's face.
Spot woke up and screamed when he saw Santa holding his shotgun.
"Ho ho ho!" yelled Santa in Spot's ear, "You're guilty of
attempted naughtiness in the first degree!" Spot cringed as
Santa reached into the very bottom of his sack, where he kept
the various things he gave to puppies he didn't like.
He handed Spot a history textbook where everything had already
been underlined, a ball of used Band-Aids, a Federal grand
jury summons, and a small bottle labelled "HERPES IF YOU
OPEN THIS, LEPROSY IF YOU DON'T."
Spot screamed in horror at the awfulness of his gifts! They
were even worse than Happy Meal prizes! The screams woke up
Spom and Spop, and they came running.
"Yay! Santa's here!" said Spop, grabbing his Christmas
stocking to see what was inside. Spom hopped over Spot
to make a doggie bee-line for hers.
Spot looked at Santa and sobbed, "What did I do to deserve
this? I've honestly tried to be a good little puppy this
year. I donated both my kidneys, and I haven't even watched TV.
Furthermore -- I HAVE NO PENIS!"
Spot looked puzzled as to why he had just blurted that out.
Then he did it again. "I HAVE NO PENIS! I HAVE NO PENIS!"
Santa laughed. "You see, Spot, this year one of your parents'
presents was a little remote control that makes you yell
your new catchphrase."
Spot blanched. "That's mean! Also, that's infantile!"
"Well, Spot, this summer, they invented a way to remotely
control brains. And all the scientists of the world agreed
that this power should only be used for the very most
infantile purposes--"
"I HAVE NO PENIS!"
"--please don't interrupt. The very most infantile purposes,
such as little remote control that make bad puppies tell the
world something unforgettably sophomoric."
"Waah! Spom and Spop, please stop pushing that button!"
But Spom and Spop were confused. None of the fifty-nine
presents they had received was a remote control.
"I remember now!" chortled Santa, "I didn't give it to your
parents, I gave it to that cat next door!"
"I HAVE NO PENIS! I HAVE NO PENIS! I HAVE NO PENIS!"
Cat laughter could be faintly heard from down the block.
Spot knew that if he didn't do something immediately, Santa
would escape for another year. He had to off Santa now!
Fortunately, Spot had prepared a backup plan. He had dug
a bottomless pit in the corner of the living room, and so
all he had to do was to trick the all-knowing Santa into
walking into the bottomless pit.
Santa smiled. "Oh, I can read your brainwaves perfectly,
so of course I know you want me to step into your bottomless
pit. I'll gladly do it... after you."
Santa gestured at the hole politely, and Spot took a step
towards it, then remembered that the hole was bad. "Wait
a minute! Your Santa mind tricks aren't so clever I would
just throw myself into my death hole without any financial
reward! Santa, stop being mean!"
"I'm not being mean, Spot. You're the one who dug the pit
in your parent's elegantly-decorated living room. You
probably didn't even get a work permit from the city.
That's very naughty."
"Santa, I don't give a rat's ass I HAVE NO PENIS! about
city regulations when it comes to I HAVE NO PENIS! getting
rid of you forever. I challenge you to a round of 'Rock,
Scissors, Paper' and the loser has to jump into my Santa hole.
Deal?"
"Sure, Spot. On three... One! Two! Three!" Spot,
smirking, held out two fingers to make "scissors".
Santa, being a more highly-evolved super-being with
six fingers, used them all to make "nuclear bomb".
"Ha!" gloated Santa, "Nuclear bomb disintegrates
scissors! It's bottomless pit time, loser puppy!"
"Wait," said Spom, "We don't want Spot to die. We do love
him, as the law requires. Can't you just punish him by
throwing him into a non-bottomless hole? One where he'll
hit bottom just hard enough for it to hurt twice as much
as a spanking?"
Santa thought about it for a second, then reached into his
sack and pulled out enough dirt to fill the bottomless pit
halfway. Then he pulled out a cute toy robot that picked
up Spot, carried him across the room, spun around emitting
cute little sparks, then dropped him into the pit.
"WAAAAAAaaaaah!" thud. "i have no penis!" Spot's voice was
faint, but the pain could still be clearly heard. He had
fallen on his keys!
Spot tried to climb out of the hole, but he couldn't, so he
was arrested for skipping Federal grand jury duty. He was
thrown in jail for the rest of his life.
Spot sighed in relief. "At last! I'm safe! Everyone knows
Santa doesn't come to jails!"
But, of course, because Spot was in jail, Santa changed his
policy and started bringing all the other prisoners stun
guns and little remote controls for Spot's brain.
Spot tried to escape, by digging another bottomless hole in
his cell, but the only thing he had to dig with was a
cardboard spork, and he ripped his spork before getting
halfway through his cell's shag carpet.
Spot knew that now there would be no end to his torment.
Santa would continue to harass him year after year, unless
Spot could find some way to get the death penalty.
Next year, he wrote a letter:
Dear Santa,
Please kill me!
Spot XXXXOOOOXXXX
...but Santa never got it, because the only thing Spot
had to write with was a torn spork and a piece of shag
carpet, and the stamp fell off the carpet square so the
Post Office burned his letter to Santa, unlike all the
others which were actually delivered.
Spot cried, and was sorry that all this had started just
because he was naughty. He wished he had known that it
was wrong to suck tokens out of the subway turnstile,
but he had been even younger and stupider back then.
And now his life was ruined.
They say that Spot's still in that prison. On a cold
clear day, when the air is still, you can faintly hear
a puppy yelling that he has no penis, and the crackling
of a thousand stun guns.
And that's why your subway tokens no longer have dog
slobber all over them.
-- K.
How come The Economist
never reviews my stories
any more?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: STORY (new): Spot's Christmas Hole
Date: Sun, 25 Dec 2005 09:04:59 -0500
TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > How come The Economist never reviews my stories any more?
>
> They used to review your stories?
Yes.
As I've said elsewhere:
THE ECONOMIST magazine, 11/11/95. Ever wonder why they call it
The Economist when it's all about British politics? In this case,
this issue also had a large section reviewing books and multimedia.
They discussed my story "Christmas 2000: Spot's Third First Christmas",
which was one of my annual stories in which poor Spot has the worst
Christmas ever. One of the funniest reviews I've ever read:
they complain that the story is pointless because Spot might live
or die depending on which branch you follow. They don't seem to
realize that my point of writing a parody of those crappy "Choose
Your Adventure" books for teens was that ALL branches of the story
lead to the unhappy ending: I was expecting people to have fun
trying to reverse the path from the happy ending that had no links
pointing to it. They also illustrated the article with a drawing
of a different Spot (the one from Eric Hill's children's books),
which probably got them a nasty letter from the publisher.
Fortunately, I was immune to lawsuits, as it seems The Economist
forgot to credit me with the authorship of the story they were
discussing.
You can see the story in question (that is, my story, not the
magazine story) here:
http://www.kibo.com/kibofic/spot_xmas_3.html
I wrote it exactly twelve years ago. And it's still just as
obvious as it ever was that the only happy ending is not
reachable in any way, shape, or form. (The other even-numbered
endings are reachable in shape but not form, while the odd ones
are reachable in form but not shape.)
As far as I know it's the only time I've ever gotten a literary
critique from a magazine that's only read on airplanes, but
I can't be certain because I only read regular magazines.
-- K.
Also, I apologize for calling
"Choose Your Own Adventure"
books crappy. They actually
had some pretty good
craftsmanship, though they
never contained as much
entertainment value as
grown-up books with more
that one paragraph per page.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: The Special Show! Episode #10: Theory Of The Funny!
Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 23:26:15 -0500
Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > [...] A stern NURSE, who looks like LARRY KING in a dress
>
> I'm not reading any further until I have access to a mental image
> deleting machine.
Man, you don't get "The Special Show!" One of its well-designed
side effects is that if you read all the way to the end, it automatically
deletes most of your brain cells.
It won't hurt. Much. For very long. If you're unconscious while you
read it. While in zero gravity. Underwater. On fire.
And besides, I could've said Gene Rayburn in a dress. But he turned
the role down because he didn't want to embarrass Brett Somers by
being the pretty one.
-- K.
Why don't they make some new
episodes of "Match Game '76"?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Now is the time
Date: Mon, 26 Dec 2005 16:54:10 -0500
Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote:
>
> Subject: Now is the time
>
> To start posting New Year's Resolutions.
I resolve to kill all humans, raise taxes ten trillion percent timesed
by infinity, censor all words from all TV programs except "nudibranch"
and "fungacidal", soft-land the Moon on Andy Rooney, add bacon to
everything, swallow a quart of blood without getting sick, and make
Jack Black fall in love with me by sending him coded signals about
fungacidal nudibranches through his TV.
Now, I'm going to break this turkey wishbone in half, and if it
breaks right, all my resolutions will come true!
*snap*
YAY, I WIN, KILL ALL HUMANS!!!
-- K.
Bender is a great role model.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Now is the time
Date: Mon, 26 Dec 2005 16:59:51 -0500
Also, New Year's is a fake holiday made up just to sell calendars.
It's one of those holidays people made up. I only celebrate
naturally-occurring holidays, plus ones _I_ make up. I will never
celebrate any holiday made up by some losers who sell greeting cards,
calendars, chocolates, and videotapes of "Yellow Submarine".
Fortunately, Halloween is one of the few naturally-occurring holidays --
Halloween is mined in Duluth, Minnesota. It comes out of a bottomless
pit filled with fun.
I also like Chinese New Year, which is real because it's based on
the lunar calendar. The puny Earth calendar was made up by humans,
but the lunar calendar was made up by Moon people, who are smarter
than we are about holidays involving rows of people dressing up
like frilly caterpillars with false eyelashes.
-- K.
With Kibology, every day
is equally special in
exactly the same way,
plus Halloween's double
special because it's
got more nudity.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: New Year's Resolutions (was: Now is the time)
Date: Mon, 26 Dec 2005 18:32:13 -0500
TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote:
>
> In no particular order:
>
> 1. Try and be more "Right Brained". Spend more time being creative,
> seeing, and taking photos.
You wanna be more "Right Brained"? Fine, hold the left side of your
head steady under my Makita...
> 2. Spend less effort on keeping score.
Only losers don't keep score. I've said that exactly 83 more times than you.
> 3. Try to listen better, and do less of the "blah, blah, blah" in my
> head when drones blather on at me - wait - that's not the right spirit.
You could always just say you have "Jingle Bell Rock" running through
your head from having been forced to hear it over the Muzak 491 times
this month.
I decided that next year I'm going to maintain a log of how often I hear
"Jingle Bell Rock". So that I can help destroy this insidious menace...
through the power of keeping score! Keeping score is good.
> IV. Remember the maintenance schedule on all of the cars (not just mine).
You should get a Segway because Segways never need maintenance because
they're unbreakable and eternal and perfect because they're powered by
the open-source combination of Linux and Wikipedia.
It's 2005 and cities _still_ haven't been redesigned around the needs
of Segway riders like that guy, whatshisname, said was inevitable!
I want my money back from whatever article would have paid to read
that in if I ever paid to read news articles!
> 5. Appreciate (more) my wife's quirks. After 22 years together, some
> things can be grating. I know I'd really miss them if they weren't there.
Make her happy by buying her a Segway too. You could pay for it
by selling her car. Nobody needs a car when they have a Segway!
Unless they need to go more than five miles or carry passengers
or groceries or not get laughed at.
Gee, I wonder whether Harley-Davidson makes unicycles?
-- K.
New idea for 2006:
The Harley Hippity-Hop.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: New Year's Resolutions
Date: Mon, 26 Dec 2005 19:24:35 -0500
TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > My, that was just about I should have expected.
>
> I guess that's #3 on my list.
What list? Sorry, I wasn't listening.
Remember, you can't spell "listen" without "list", and you can't
spell "listening" without almost "glistening"! That must mean
something because it sure sounds profound because it doesn't
sound like it means anything.
Also, I just wrote a new Web browser that properly differentiates
between the and tags by displaying every in random
order which changes every 60th of a second to keep it from trying
to be an .
I'm not sure what to do about .
Remember when the Web was 95% bulleted lists and 5% little blue balls
and dancing 7-Up spots?
Remember when 7-Up was about the 5th or 6th most popular soda and
not the 99999999th?
And remember when they invented O.K. Soda by mixing 7-Up and V-8 to
achieve a horrible blend of fifteen chemicals?
I miss the Nineties, because the world was bozotic in a less complicated
way. Now it's just as bozotic, but there's more detail to it. Remember
when you could use lynx to pull of that Web page from cern.ch which
had a list of all twenty Web sites? And they were still trying to
convince people that you should never put pictures on any Web pages?
And people found "The Simpsons" shocking and offensive?
Anyway, regarding your #3, whatever it was, you shouldn't _always_
try to listen to everything everyone says. Especially if it's on
basic cable. The only important thing is that when two people are
talking, at least one of them needs to be listening to me.
Wait, how did all those HTML tags get into my article? I swear
I didn't put them in. My computer must have gotten a virus from
listening to other computers! I don't like this article I just
wrote so I'm going to stop listening to myself.
DEAR ME,
PLEASE STOP LISTENING TO ME.
SINCERELY, ME.
Nope, that didn't work. Apparently I can't tell me not to listen to me
because I'm already not listening to me.
Does that give me some sort of immunity from some sort of prosecution?
If so, please let me know what kind of sniper rifle to buy.
-- K.
I wonder who animated the
dancing 7-Up spot icon,
and whether it led to
fame and fortune for them.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: New Year's Resolutions
Date: Tue, 27 Dec 2005 01:40:56 -0500
David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > [...]
> >
> > And people found "The Simpsons" shocking and offensive?
>
> PS: Do people now find the Arabic translation of The Simpsons, sans beer
> and gayness and religion, shocking and offensive?
More to the point, _how_ do you find an episode of "The Simpsons" which
has 99.9999% of the content edited out? How does one watch a TV program
which lasts less than 1/60th of a second? The entire program might
wind up in the invisible space between two of the little colored dots
on your screen.
I mean, they couldn't even show "The Muppet Show" in the Arab world
because it had some foam-rubber on it shaped like a pig. And that
was otherwise an extremely G-rated show revolving around knock-knock
jokes and ballroom dancing. Every frame of "The Simpsons" is
edgier than the entire run of "The Muppet Show" combined -- Homer
eats pork and bacon and ham constantly, and everyone gets nude at
the drop of a hat, and women drive cars and all sorts of other
stuff that wouldn't fly in the Arab-speaking world. Except for
the parts of the Arab-speaking world where women are allowed to
drive. I forget which those are. The only Arabic-speaking woman
I've ever met didn't drive, she just paid men to crash airplanes
into skyscrapers.
Maybe they just replace the entire "Simpsons" episode with a card
which says, in Arabic, "Garry Marshall will make up stories about
how this card says they're from an insane asylum."
> Soon we may be able to isolate the power to shock and offend,
> through repeatedly translating this series in a homeopathic manner!
I heard you're a homeopath who hangs out with thespians, practices
philately, and that when you were in college you matriculated in
front of everyone. While wearing a really gay black satin robe.
So how come the homeopathic snake oil you can buy is always something
harmless that's been diluted fifty heptillion times? It seems like if
you're going to go to all the trouble of diluting something to the
point where it doesn't even exist, you should start with something
like plutonium just so that people could say, "Wow! I swallowed some
homeopathic plutonium and I didn't die! Homeopathy must really work
because it saved me from plutonium poisoning!"
-- K.
Both of the things I wrote to
go in this space were deleted
due to one of them being
really mean and the other
being just plain lame.
So instead I'll fill this space
with funny noises:
SCHPLOOP!!!! BEEYOINK!!! SMERP!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: RIP Vinnie Schiavelli
Date: Mon, 26 Dec 2005 21:13:22 -0500
Vincent Schiavelli -- you'd recognize him if you saw him -- just died.
He was a character actor who was in a million movies and TV shows because
he looked very weird and creepy. I think the last thing I saw him in
was "Death To Smoochy" (yelling "I never saw Paris!") and the first
thing I saw him in was "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest".
And yet he hadn't been mentioned on alt.religion.kibology in over ten
years! Not even by me! Jesse Garon mentioned him in 1995, in a round of
"Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon". Actually, he was responding to someone
else who only referred to him as the biology teacher from "Fast Times At
Ridgemont High", but Jesse gets the credit since he knew the actor's name.
(Of course, it's possible that someone else mentioned Vincent Schiavelli
more recently with some other spelling of his name to make it impossible
for me to find the reference...)
I can't believe I never mentioned Vincent Schiavelli in the past ten
years. I mean, I've seen him in lots of stuff, and he even sold me
a planetary defense system in case I ever need to shoot down the
U.S.S. Enterprise. (Its only weakness was that it was one of those many
super-weapons that could only be defeated by detaching the saucer section,
because that makes... um... stuff happen differently, or something.
My best guess is that it changes the warp dynamic flow profile of the subspace
envelope to cause an inversion in the lateral phase of tetrion radiation.)
He was a great comic actor always allowed his enjoyment of acting to
be visible when he was on screen. In every photo I've ever seen of
him when he's not playing a character, he's still smiling. Clearly
a guy who was a happy person (certainly happy enough to have never
felt he needed plastic surgery so that his face wouldn't look like
it was about to fall off.) Anyway, I miss him -- character actors who
are charming enough to overcome facial weirdness are in short supply.
-- K.
Is Jack Palance still alive?
Joe Shishido is, unless he's
died because I mentioned him
yesterday.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Theater Of The Overheard
Date: Tue, 27 Dec 2005 23:03:19 -0500
Today on the subway I overheard two cute little kids doing what
was probably a well-rehearsed improvisational comedy structure:
"You should've brought GameBoy."
"I might lose it. That would be bad."
"What if a bad person cut it in half?"
"That would be worser."
"What if you shook it and it broke into a million pieces?"
"That would be the worstest."
I hereby swear that, in my capacity as a Bad Person, I will
cut at least one GameBoy in half during my lifetime.
How long does it take a chainsaw to cut through one of the
original creamed-spinach-colored screens?
-- K.
I heartily endorse this
"What if...?" structure,
as long as Billy Crystal
and Christopher Guest
aren't already using it.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Pac-Man movie still expected to win an Oscar -- on Planet Stupid
Date: Wed, 28 Dec 2005 20:49:55 -0500
[filmforce.ign.com]
->
-> Studio Confirms Tekken, Castlevania, Pac-Man Details
-> Crystal Sky to focus on videogame and comic book films.
->
-> by Paul Davidson
->
-> December 22, 2005 -- Steven Paul, CEO of the small film studio
-> Crystal Sky, chatted with Gamecloud a few weeks ago about some
-> fairly juicy projects that could put the company into the
-> limelight. [...]
->
-> Crystal Sky is also planning a movie based on the venerable arcade
-> hit Pac-Man. However, Paul wouldn't divulge any details at this
-> time.
Yeah, wouldn't want any other movie studios to steal the secret
formula for making great movies by having pro wrestlers dressing
up like pastel-colored ghosts who go "WEE-WEE-WEE-WEE".
For the record, the movie geniuses of Crystal Sky have brought
us these movies so far:
* "Baby Geniuses"
* "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2"
and
* some stuff so crappy even I haven't heard of it
So I'm heading over to their Web site to check on "Pac-Man: THE MOTION
PICTURE EXPERIENCE!!!" or whatever it'll be called, and also mock
their previous films. First, regarding "Pac-Man":
[www.crystal-sky.com]
=>
=> Hal Haberman and Gil Kenan, (Monster House) are in final stages
=> of polishing the screenplay.
WOW THAT'S SURE GONNA BE ONE SHINY TURD!!!
And now, a complete list of all the movies Crystal Sky has ever
released. Here comes the crapfest!
=> Karate Dog
=>
=> The Karate Dog is an exciting action-adventure about Cho-Cho the dog...
=> the world's only fast-talkin', car-drivin', toga-partyin', karate
=> fightin' canine hero! With the wit of Austin Powers and the karate
=> moves of Bruce Lee, Cho-Cho teams up with a rookie detective in
=> order to catch some unstoppable bad guys. He walks. He talks.
=> And he ain't no Lassie.
I give that movie one star, less if the dog talks. I don't know.
Does the dog talk? I gather that plot summary about how the talking
dog talks in the talking-dog movie about the dog talking didn't have
room for all the subtle intricacies of the subtle plot.
=> Superbabies: Baby Geniuses II
=>
=> An action-adventure for the whole family, Baby Geniuses 2:
=> Superbabies chronicles the return of Kahuna, a legendary baby
=> super-spy who must stop an evil business tycoon from controlling
=> the hearts and minds of every child in the world! Superbabies
=> delivers all of the thrills and heartwarming fun of the original.
In other words, none.
I've seen this movie, so it wouldn't be fair for me to give it a star.
Definitely zero stars or less.
=> Boys Will Be Boys
=>
=> Two young brothers talk their strict father into allowing them
=> to baby-sit themselves for the first time. As the father vies
=> for a promotion from the eccentric company president, Lloyd's
=> nemesis hatches a scheme with his sultry fiancee to frame Lloyd
=> for embezzlement by hiding stolen cash in the Clauswell home. [...]
I yawned and threw up at the same time. Also, the people who made
all those "Wonderful World Of Disney" movies in the '70s say,
"Give us our only plot back, and also, needs a chimp."
I give this movie a star made of shit.
=> Chromium Blue
=>
=> An erotic adventure of the senses in which a beautiful woman
=> is enlisted to take charge of a yacht and its crew that travels
=> from port to port offering select men and women their
=> ultimate fantasies.
I'm sorry, I stopped reading that summary after "erotic adventure".
It's just one of those two-word phrases that admits the movie's no
good, like "comedy-drama" or "Albert Pyun".
I give this movie one star shaped like part of Kurt Vonnegut's body.
=> Crack in the Mirror
=>
=> Scott and Vanessa are young professionals living on Park Avenue.
=> However, as Vanessa climbs the ladder in advertising, Scott is
=> losing his job on Wall Street. The pressure, the rent, the car
=> and the recreational cocaine are costing a lot. Not able to pay
=> his drug bills, Scott finds himself "taking over" the business
=> for a couple of weeks while dealer Butchie goes "out of town."
=> When Vanessa stumbles upon Scott's secret business, the lines
=> between his "temporary job" and his life begin to blur. They
=> must fight their way past the terrifying web of drugs to redemption.
So it's got kickboxing spiders made of syringes? Or doesn't the
movie _actually_ feature people who "fight their way past the
terrifying web of drugs" to the land where metaphors are mixed.
...mixed with crappy crap!
I also note the movie features "recreational cocaine" as opposed
to a skyscraper made from load-bearing cocaine.
I give this movie one star precisely nine thousand miles underneath
the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. Of course that would put it several
thousand miles below Hell, but that's just because I think the
poor people in Hell are suffering enough without sending them
Crystal Sky movies.
=> Dead Doll
=>
=> When a frustrated sculptor strangles his girlfriend and crafts
=> her body into a lifelike doll, from beyond the grave she plays
=> upon the fantasies of others seducing everyone that crosses
=> her path. The dead doll then lures them to their deaths as she
=> travels from owner to owner leaving a path of blood and
=> destruction in her wake. Not until she returns to the embrace
=> of her original killer does the cycle of violence come to an end.
The phrase "The dead doll then lures them to their deaths"
reminds me of that Flaming Carrot comic book where the caption says
"THE DEAD DOG FLEW AROUND THE ROOM!" and then it put its icky paws
in the little girl's birthday cake and other stuff happened but none
of it was like this movie because this movie sounds a lot dopier.
I heard there was this guy who watched all of Crystal Sky's movies
on a dare and suffered permanent brain damage and is now a superhero
known as Disinteresting Carrot.
I give this movie a cork. 'Cause cork is funny! Cork is funnier
than this movie. Scarier, too.
=> Deadly Chase
=>
=> [...]
Sigh. Do I even need to read any more of these plot summaries?
I can write this one myself:
Deadly Chase
The dead doll goes on a deadly chase to dead all the deaded deads
who deaded the dead dead. An erotic thriller that grips you
and won't let go until you fall asleep.
Here's the key point of the real plot summary:
=> [...] a psychological game of cat and mouse [...]
I'd rather see a movie that featured the boardgame of cat and mouse,
because there's a lot of tension when you turn that little crank and
the stop sign doesn't quite knock the diver into the washtub.
Uh oh, the idea of a movie based on "Mousetrap" is actually the sort
of thing they'd do, given that they think "Pac-Man" can be turned
into anything even remotely shaped like a movie. Expect "Mousetrap"
at a theater near you, retitled "Deadly Mousetrap Of Dead Death".
I give this movie a dead star.
=> The Eternal
=>
=> An erotic thriller between a vampire, the woman he loves,
=> and the women she must procure for him to survive.
"Hey, was that erotic vampire thriller written by Anne Rice?"
"That wasn't Rice, that was maggots!"
I give this movie a number of stars represented by a "1" followed
by a dozen "0"s but without the "1" in front.
=> Hourglass
=>
=> [...] a game of cat and mouse. [...]
I give this move a star lodged in a mousetrap and the serial killer
has rigged the mousetrap to the President's granddaughter's exploding
collar which will explode unless the vampire can somehow get the
star out of the mousetrap using only his penis.
=> Little Insects
=>
=> When the ant colonies of Buggy Kingdom get into a fight over
=> a jar of jam, the mountain ants prepare for war against the
=> valley ants. But it is the "Romeo & Juliet" of Prince Dando
=> and Princess Dayzie that helps both sides find peace.
I give this movie a star made of foam rubber by Sid & Marty Krofft
with Billy Barty inside kicking each of the Crystal Sky executives
in the shins until they are all dead corpses who have been killed dead.
=> She's in Love
=>
=> A teenager who dreams of becoming an Olympic swimmer [...]
is very uninteresting.
I give this movie the world's smallest star, which is hidden inside
a volvox frozen inside an ice cube which will be thrown into an Olympic
swimming pool to not freeze it in the world's most non-practical joke.
=> Bombshell
=>
=> Characters in a bio technological firm utilize nano-tecnology
=> (miniature, smart robots) to control others for their own good.
I give this movie an even smaller star. Which then gets eaten by
a nanotechnological robot. Which then drops dead. And then the
ghost of the dead nanobot flies around the room until it gets
eaten by the flying dead dog, which then super-dies and falls to
the ground where a movie about it is made titled "Bloated Dead Dog"
that makes the Crystal Sky executives cry over how much more
entertaining it is than their movies.
=> The Whispering
=>
=> An insurance investigator examining several recent cases
=> of suicide discovers a demon influencing the deaths, but only
=> he can see it.
A chilling tale of the world of insurance!
I give this movie an asterisk, which is connected to another asterisk
at the bottom of the page:
* no stars
Well, those are all the movies Crystal Sky ever made, assuming most
of those even count as movies. (Note that they won't even admit
to making the first "Baby Geniuses".)
Crystal Sky offers even more detailed plot synopses in PDF form,
with additional nuggets of specialness. See if you can guess which
movie goes with each of these out-of-context excerpts!
=> Aided by pragmatic Theology Professor, Jake Meyers, [...]
=> [...] he leads Nick and the "Dawson Creek" locals on a merry
=> dance of murder and intrigue.
=> [...] a magic carpet ride into the world of sassy women,
=> brave men, naked golfers, [...]
=> Using strawberry catapults, everything seems hopeless [...]
=> Turbo-charged gladiator car races are the rage.
=> The masked kidnapper sends a videophone call to Buck telling
=> him one of his kidneys has been replaced with a synthetic sack
=> of Nitric Acid.
=> [...] a flamboyant wedding planner (played by comedy sensation
=> Pauly Shore [...]
Sadly, they don't have a detailed synopsis for "Superbabies:
Baby Geniuses 2", so I still don't know what the hell was going
on in that incoherent mess.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make my own movie where
a pragmatic theology professor, a naked golfer, and a flamboyant
wedding planner played by Pauly Shore use a gladiator catapult
filled to throw a synthetic sack of nitric acid at anyone who
thinks these bozos have the infinite creativity it would take to
turn "Pac-Man" into an entertaining movie.
-- K.
Heck, it's not even
really an enteraining
video game, unless it's
still 1982 and you've
never seen a game
before and are stoned
enough to want to play
a game that moves
with a leisurely languor.
And then the pink ghost
replaced Pac-Man's
kidney with a synthetic
sack of nitric acid!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Pac-Man movie still expected to win an Oscar -- on Planet Stupid
Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2005 02:23:41 -0500
Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote:
>
> OK, have you heard the conspiracy theory that all those video game
> movies directed by Uwe Boll are actually designed to lose money, because
> the German government pays them when they lose money? Well, maybe
> Crystal Sky is trying the same thing, because, damn, how else can they
> still exist? How else can they dare to make a Baby Geniuses sequel?
I certainly have been thinking that. I consulted a noted Hollywood
director (who shall remain nameless 'cause I don't want to mention
him on the same page as "Baby Geniuses 2") and he thought the same thing.
While "Baby Geniuses" and "Baby Geniuses 2" actually got released in
some form where we could see them, none of the other films on the list
are ones I've even heard of, and don't seem to be available in any form,
even on DVD (at least accounting to a quick check of IMDB/Amazon.com.)
Now, when little studios make a film, they don't really care whether
it's in theaters for one day or two -- it costs them big money to book
theaters and make prints when they know the theatrical revenue won't
lead to a profit -- releasing things on DVD is where the money is.
(If you get Blockbuster to buy a few copies for each of their thousands
of stores, that's a profit.) There's not really any way to lose money
producing DVDs if you know what you're doing -- I believe they cost
something like two bucks each to make, so if they price them at $10
they can make a profit only selling 20% of the ones they mint. For
a studio to produce movies and then _not_ release them on DVD is a
sure sign they're not even trying to make a profit.
This could be a "Producers"-style scam, or it could be something
like Corman's company being paid by Marvel not to release the
even more sucky "Fantastic Four", but it's most likely just people
lining their pockets with film subsidies. You may notice that
whenever you see a really crappy movie based on an old video game
or something -- let's say "Wing Commander" or "2001: A Space Travesty" --
the credits indicate filming in a few foreign countries, notably
Canada and Romania. ("2001: A Space Travesty" listed _several_
countries for that little piece of shit.) What happens is that
these countries give the production money (or at least a tax rebate)
if they film part of the movie there, so presumably the producers
could be getting the movie's entire budget for free and then paying
themselves a nice salary out of that budget.
> I have the same theory about Adam Sandler, too.
I think he exists just so his production company can make
Rob Schneider's movies (such as "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo")
so that he can then have a good laugh watching Rob Schneider
and Roger Ebert flaming each other. You may recall that for
"Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" Schneider took out a full-page
magazine ad whining that a local critic (not Ebert) didn't like
the movie, and told him he wasn't qualified to review his stupid
diaper movie because he didn't have a Pulitzer prize, then Ebert
wrote a lovely column explaining to Schneider:
[rogerebert.suntimes.com]
->
-> Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize
-> winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks.
We need to create a national holiday to observe every anniversary
of Roger Ebert using the word "sucks" to describe a movie that sucks.
> Incidentally, I don't blame Rob Schneider for agreeing to make Deuce
> Bigalow sequel; apparently he got a lot of free travel out of it,
> not just to film it but to promote it.
Maybe Schneider made it just so he could have an excuse to wear that diaper.
You know, to fool people into thinking he doesn't just wear a diaper
all day, every day. I question the potty-training of Rob Schneider.
Or maybe your theory is correct -- he decided he'd rather let everyone
in the world see him wearing a diaper being unfunny just because he
was too cheap to buy a plane ticket.
Hey, I actually tried watching that movie just to see how bad it was.
I didn't get very far before I started fast-forwarding, and remember,
I've seen both "Baby Geniuses" movies a couple times. "Deuce Bigalow:
European Gigolo" was just as stupid as they were, but they were stupid
in really bizarre ways. Schneider's movie was just stuck to the
bottom of a giant shoe of stupid. Not "funny ha-ha", not "funny strange",
not "funny hideously unfunny", but "SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT".
-- K.
It was so awful that I didn't even
rewind the DVD before returning it.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Pac-Man movie still expected to win an Oscar -- on Planet Stupid
Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2005 02:45:41 -0500
Regarding Crystal Sky's movies, I wrote:
>
> While "Baby Geniuses" and "Baby Geniuses 2" actually got released in
> some form where we could see them, none of the other films on the list
> are ones I've even heard of, and don't seem to be available in any form,
> even on DVD (at least accounting to a quick check of IMDB/Amazon.com.)
Oh, I forgot to mention: Occam's Razor says the most likely explanation
would be that the movies don't even exist, but most of those movies have
cameos by big motion picture stars such as Pauly Shore, Frank Gorshin,
and Adrian Zmed (whose name was spelled "Adrian Amed" in the ineptly-
written press kit) so it's unlikely that these movies are as imaginary
as Archimedes Plutonium's, unless Adrian Zmed is also imaginary, and
I don't think he is because I've seen him being careful not to run
faster than William Shatner on "T.J. Hooker".
Or maybe their movies were made for cable TV, but even that stuff
normally gets released on DVD. And certainly people would have
seen the movies on TV and written reviews at IMDB.com.
It sure as hell looks like Crystal Sky makes bad movies that have
actual existence but are never shown or sold.
Maybe Adrian Zmed paid them not to release his so that he wouldn't
be embarrassed by seeing them misspelling his name?
One of their movies even has a cameo by Kiefer Sutherland. I think
he got hired because he's currently in that hit show based on the
Crystal Sky executives' combined IQ.
Seriously, I want to see these other Crystal Sky movies (assuming
they ever decide to make more than one copy of any of them) because
so far it actually looks like "Baby Geniuses" is probably their
best work. And that's pretty sad. It's like realizing that "Manos:
The Hands Of Fate" is actually better than "Outta Control".
-- K.
I will pay Kiefer Sutherland
five dollars if it turns out
that his movie wasn't released
because he told Crystal Sky
"Suck my fat one!"
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Instant Review: Fun with Dick and Jane
Date: Wed, 28 Dec 2005 23:32:17 -0500
Chris Lansdell (chris.lansdell@nl.SIGNCARLENGLISH.rogers.com) wrote:
>
> [...] Distinct lack of penis jokes,
I just remember from 6th grade this kid excitingly describing how
the original movie had a guy shoving his gun down the front of his
pants then screaming "RUPTURE!!!!" and I've always wondered if that
movie was really that infantile because this kid was infantile
enough to maybe have just been fantasizing about George Segal
yelling "RUPTURE!!!!" at random times. After all, he did like
to yell "DIAPERS!!!!" and it's not a big step from diapers to rupture.
I haven't seen either the original or the remake. So, did the remake
have to leave out "RUPTURE!!!!" to be a no-hernia-joke movie, or
was "RUPTURE!!!!" just something from the special ninth-dimensional
version of the movie that only this kid could see?
And wouldn't it be funnier to have George Segal yelling "RUPTURE!!!!"
during "Just Shoot Me" or better yet, "The Terminal Man"?
-- K.
RAPTURE!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Spammer name _and_ subject line
Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2005 15:58:37 -0500
Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote:
>
> Since it's been a while since one's been posted I thought this particularly
> proud specimen, freshly harvested, would be a fine addition to the Arkian
> collection. Assuming of course that such a collection exists.
>
> From: "Darwin Bacon" (UWalshf@displayarts.com)
> Subject: Or sign or blancmange capacity
>
> So how exactly does Darwin Bacon differ from regular bacon? Also, how much
> capacity does the typical blancmange have? The first person to mention
> "long pig" as part of the description of the bacon earns a major 'Ewwwww!'.
In the future, bacon will evolve from pigs! There will be a war
between the pigs and the bacon and the bacon will take over the
world. Then Chuck Heston will find a talking Miss Piggy doll
in the subway. Finally they will all be killed the The Invasion
Of The Bac*Os.
Note how I avoided mentioning winning Wimbledon. This is because
the blancmanges made a mistake and accidentally tried to win
Wimbleton, which people in England talk about more often but
isn't a real tennis tourney. Also, tennis isn't a real sport
because it's just Ping-Pong with people standing on the table.
The only real sports are pinball, hockey, giant ape fights,
and gladiators battling to the death with stun guns. What
channel are those on these days? I need to know whether upgrading
my cable will let me see them in high-definition.
Or should I say... high-deathinition! No, I shouldn't.
That would have been stupid if I had said it.
To sum up, I like bacon.
-- K.
Darwin Bacon secretly
wrote Shakespeare's play
"The Descent Of Man".
Plorkwort, can'st thou
quill us a scene of
man's zany descent
in iambic pentameter
most (INSERT WHATEVER
WORD HERE WHICH MAKES
WHAT I WROTE A PROPER
STANZA)?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Spammer name _and_ subject line
Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 17:30:43 -0500
plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Plorkwort, can'st thou
> > quill us a scene of
> > man's zany descent
>
> If one day in the deep primordial soup
> Nitrog'nous acids floating without strife
> Till lightning flashes assembled their group
> Endowing them with principles of life
> (Liberty and happiness are hard-
> Ly rights of objects not yet even viable)
> Impelling them to flagellate forward
> Gyring and gimbling through the future pliable
> (Ere history had settled into form
> Nor could be changed by just a touch of grease)
> The atoms, molecules (all without gorm)
> Descended into species sans surcease
> Each egg to chicken, then involved with bacon
> So then the cosmic needle pulling thread
> Imbroidered a planktonic constellation
> Grinning like a cheshire cat that's fed
> Near oceans full of giant squid and kraken.
Dude, you're the awesomest. I mean it. I'm always in awe that you
can do that on a dare.
You're the only person who makes rap fun.
Do you hold your pistol gangsta style, or Joe Friday style?
-- K.
I just got these new black leather
fatigue pants in the style of SWAT
duty gear, with the giant pockets on
the thighs -- I think those pockets
are designed to contain two pistols,
fifty pounds of ammo, a lifetime
supply of cyanide capsules, and an
entire season box set of "24".
I need to start carrying all those
in my pockets just so my Tic Tacs
won't be so far down.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: global tarih ve siyaset
Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 16:09:31 -0500
In alt.religion.kibology, hamdi.vardar@hotmail.com wrote:
>
> d=FCnyadaki siyasi dalgalanmalar hakk=FDnda ve d=FCnya tarihi hakk=FDnda
> tart=FD=FEma
I am now mentally scatting that to the tune of "Shuffle Off To Buffalo"
except without actually scatting it aloud or shuffling off to anywhere.
Uh oh, now it's turning into rap.
Oh, good, it didn't stay rap long, it just changed into Abba.
Wait, it's Abba. That's no good. Swedish accents just don't work
when you do them in Turkish.
Now it's "Shuffle Off To Buffalo" again. I'll just have to get this
wacky rhythmic Turkish catchphrase out of my head the old-fashioned way:
By drawing an ASCII diagram of it going into a really badly-drawn toilet.
d=FCnyadaki siyasi dalgalanmalar hakk=FDnda
ve d=FCnya
tarihi =====
hakk=FDnda +| |
tar | |
===========| |
\ t=FD=FE |___|
\___ma___/ ||
/______\ ||
Nope, that didn't work, because now it's to the tune of "Shuffle Off To
Buffalo" with flushing noises and a talking ice cream truck yelling "AYLO!"
and the Cat In The Hat saying "Shazbot!" and Ronald McDonald eating a
whole pig.
I wonder if that's what hamdi.vardar@hotmail.com intended.
-- K.
My limited knowledge of
Turkish tells me that
this is an ad for
import/export services.
This is because all I
know about Turkish is
that all Turks are in
the import/export business.
Also, "Turk" is "Kurt"
spelled backwards.
In Turkish, Kurt Vonnegut
writes all his books
backwards. So goes it.
Here is an inside-out
picture of a toilet:
O----+-||
( | | |
)==|======|==|>
( | ___
|/ \ ..++
O \__/___|
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: sci.chem,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: And it shall Nucleosynthesis forever and ever, Atom Plutonium...
Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.sci.physics.plutonium
Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 18:02:14 -0500
Summary: plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,goofballs,plutonium
Keywords: plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,plutonium,pantyhose,plutonium
In sci.chem, sci.physics, and sci.math,
Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> ATOMPLUTONIUM (Handel's Messiah)
>
> ATOMPLUTONIUM, ATOMPLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, ATOM
> PLUTONIUM ATOMPLUTONIUM, ATOMPLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, ATOM
> PLUTONIUM FOR THE ATOM
> HAS INFINITE POTENTIAL PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, FOR
> THE ATOM HAS INFINITE
> POSSIBILITIES PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, FOR THE ATOM
> HAS INFINITE POTENTIAL FOR
> THE ATOM HAS INFINITE POSSIBILITIES. A DOT OF THE ELECTRON PROBABILITY
> DENSITY DISTRIBUTION OF THE 5F6
> FOR THE LAST ELECTRON OF 231PU IS THE PLANET EARTH, ANOTHER DOT IS YOU,
> ANOTHER DOT ME. AND ATOMS
> WILL NUCLEOSYNTHESIZE FOREVER AND EVER, AND ATOMS WILL NUCLEOSYNTHESIZE
> FOREVER AND EVER, AND
> ATOMS WILL NUCLEOSYNTHESIZE FOREVER AND EVER, AND ATOMS WILL
> NUCLEOSYNTHESIZE FOREVER AND EVER.
> ATOM OF ATOMS, FOREVER AND EVER, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, AND ATOM OF
> ATOMS, FOREVER AND EVER,
> PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, ATOM OF ATOMS, FOREVER AND EVER, PLUTONIUM,
> PLUTONIUM, AND ATOM OF ATOMS,
> FOREVER AND EVER, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, ATOM OF ATOMS, FOREVER AND
> EVER,
> PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM,
> AND ATOM OF ATOMS, ATOM OF ATOMS, FOREVER AND EVER, AND ATOMS WILL
> NUCLEOSYNTHESIZE FOREVER AND
> EVER. ATOM OF ATOMS AND ATOM OF ATOMS, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, AND ATOM
> OF
> ATOMS, FOREVER AND EVER,
> AND ATOMS WILL NUCLEOSYNTHESIZE FOREVER AND EVER. ATOM OF ATOMS AND
> ATOM
> OF ATOMS, ATOM OF
> ATOMS, AND ATOMS WILL NUCLEOSYNTHESIZE FOREVER AND EVER. PLUTONIUM,
> PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM,
> PLUTONIUM. ATOMPLUTONIUM!
Have you considered setting the same lyrics to a tune they'd go with
better, like "Superfreak"? It would probably sell better. How come
I can't find your song at Apple's iTunes music store? They sell everything
but the Beatles and Madonna, so does this mean you're one of them?
If you're Madonna, please stop showing me naked pictures of yourself.
> I seem to have a latent spirit this holiday season this year. Of course
> the two holy days are 7 November and 14 December when the Plutonium
> Atom Totality and the element plutonium were discovered.
>
> This year I received as a gift of a DVD,
>
> Handel's Messiah The Choir of King's College Cambridge, Brandenburg
> Consort, Stephen Cleobury conductor
>
> And I really enjoy this DVD because it looks as if the Choir is right
> there in my face, so close, so clear that I can see the hairs on the
> back of the neck of the singers
Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #35:
"Archie Watches The Singing Bears"
> and see the blemishes on their faces.
Archimedes Plutonium-inspired punk band name #46:
"Archie And The Zitfaces"
> [...]
>
> But I was surprized that in this performance there are no females in
> the choir to sing Hallelujah, but rather very young boys. Just two rows
> of male singers, one row of very young boys singing the high notes.
>
> Now I wonder if these young boys performance is better than the entire
> females of other choirs singing Hallelujah such as the Mormon
> Tabernacle. Do these young boys do better than the females of the other
> choirs? I think so.
Well, Arch, if you're really interested in... naah, I'm not going to
touch that one with a ten-year-old pole.
> Anyone know of the most beautiful performance of Handel's Messiah? One
> in which spends at least 10 minutes on the Hallelujah chorus rather
> than a mere 3'35".
Maybe you should invent some sort of "repeat" button for CD players.
> Archimedes Plutonium
> www.iw.net/~a_plutonium
> whole entire Universe is just one big atom
> where dots of the electron-dot-cloud are galaxies
Then what makes the wiggly stink lines?
-- K.
Archimedes Plutonium-inspired
porno movie title #36:
"Archie Wiggles His Stink Line"
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Bacon
Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 23:09:28 -0500
Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> Bacon is pig that you eat. When a pig dies under especially auspicious
> circumstances, it transforms into bacon or pork, depending (one supposes)
> on its karma -- content and fulfilled, one assumes, after a life of quiet
> contemplation, for the pig need not work to live. The animal's work is
> life itself, and it becomes its own CV, its own portfolio.
>
> I fancy that instead of immediately starting a new turn on the wheel of
> life, a slaughtered pig might prefer to lets its soul linger in the meat,
> to see its opus through to the succulent end. How livestock are to be
> envied! Unless there is no one to eat them, that is, in which case they
> end, murdered and thwarted by agents of international vegetarianism, as
> mere corpses.
The best thing about pork is that when you grind up 50% pork and
50% aged venison you get a really good simulation of the flavor
of human leg meat, though not so stringy, definitely easier to chew.
A more important theological question than my above discussion of
those sausages they sell at Whole Foods is, what is to pork as
veal is to beef? And why are slices of beef "steaks" but slices
of pork are "chops"? What animal has slices called "slices"?
By the way, baby carrots are just adult carrots cut into chunks.
-- K.
If you made Canadian bacon that was shaped
like American bacon, how many royalties
would I deserve for telling you to?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Bacon
Date: Sat, 31 Dec 2005 16:21:04 -0500
TomH (address@my.sig) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > A more important theological question than my above discussion of
> > those sausages they sell at Whole Foods is, what is to pork as
> > veal is to beef? And why are slices of beef "steaks" but slices
> > of pork are "chops"? What animal has slices called "slices"?
>
> One of my daughters has displayed a very srong resistance to
> change. Of anything. One time I replaced a kitchen light
> fixture and she screamed in terror when she first saw it.
I agree, General Electric CircleLites are scary. They're so close
to being that creepy Jell-O mold on the ceiling in that "Star Trek"
episode about the machine that can make Captain Kirk think he's
madly in love with the ship's slut of the week.
The only difference is that General Electric CircleLites hum louder.
> So when it came mealtime, she liked beef: burgers, steak,
> fajitas, whatever. She also liked pork: chops, loin, bacon,
> whatever. But you couldn't tell her that it was pork. So
> when we had a cut of pork, we had to tell her it was "steak
> chops". Mang! The things we lie to our children about to
> make life easier. For them, I mean!
The puzzling thing is that if it's ham, you're allowed to have
a "ham steak" or a "ham chop", but if it's pork, "pork chops"
are socially acceptable but "pork steak" are forbidden words.
So I say you did the right thing to defy society's terminological
jackboots in order to get your daughter to eat more pork.
If everyone in this country called pork by all eight or nine of
its names all day while eating it, our nation would be slightly
happier, and that would make all the difference in the world.
Also, I still say there should be another faucet in the kitchen
that's connected directly to our nation's bacon supply (the
entire country buys one giant spool of bacon every five years,
the slow unwinding of this spool is what powers the machine that
turns Daylight Savings Time on and off.)
-- K.
I approve of the Chinese nomenclature
where, on a menu, the little character
for "meat" (two tiny people hanging
from a spit) means pork and "cow"
plus "meat" means beef. Pork should be
the default mystery meat in every country.
/ /
/ +-----/----+
/ | /\ |
/\ | / \ |
/ \ | / / \ |
/ \ | /\ |
/ \ | / \ |
/ \ | / \ /
man meat
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: What Will Life Be Like In The Futuristic Year Twenty-O-Six?
Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 23:17:41 -0500
Eric Boesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> Face Transplant Recipient Mr. Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote:
> >
> > What Will Life Be Like In The Futuristic Year Twenty-O-Six?
>
> Peace. Lush green hills and blobby extrusions of Melmac architecture.
And Tubby Tustard! Tubby Tustard!
> The meaning of life not something people search for, but something they
> breathe, pervasive and almost tangible.
Yayyyyy Tubby Tustard!
> A sustainable food chain capped by 100-foot lizards.
Eat the Noo-Noo! Eat the Noo-Noo! Yayyyyyy! Again, again!
> I may not live to see it, but I like to think I led the way.
WHERE'S MY FUCKING TUBBY TUSTARD?
-- K.
By the way, Mr. Hole, a faceplant is not
the same as a face transplant.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: God is an iron
Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 23:37:28 -0500
Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote:
>
> Subject: God is an iron
>
> So be sure to not touch Him on His flat spot, for He will burn you.
And why would that be bad? I'd think God would give the bestest
ritual scarifications. That would be pretty cool.
God cares how cool you are.
God can see everything you're doing, thinking, or even thinking of thinking,
so if you make a big show of praying on purpose, God will know you're trying
too hard. God doesn't like it when you pray to try to tell him what to do.
God likes you to be too cool to care whether or not he even exists, or
whether he can see you committing all those sins you should commit if you
want to be cool.
If you want to get on God's good side, ignore his commandments today!
I don't believe in God, which is why I'm going to Heaven. Then I'm
gonna wedgie the shit out of Jesus for being such a square.
-- K.
JESUS IS A DADDY'S BOY
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: CNN jumps the shark...
Date: Sat, 31 Dec 2005 17:23:05 -0500
In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote:
>
> learn the 14 rules of fascim dumbfuck.
> you dont know do you !
Sure I do.
THE 14 RULES OF FASCIM DUMBFUCK
1. The players choose which piece they want to be. If one of the players
has changed their legal name to Fascim Dumbfuck, he or she gets the
red piece, otherwise, the first one to grab the red piece gets to
pretend to be Fascim Dumbfuck.
2. The object of the game is to compete with Fascim Dumbfuck for his or
her collection of soiled jury duty summonses. The first one to get
Fascim Dumbfuck's jury duty summonses wins, and after the game
must report to the courtroom. If Fascim Dumbfuck reaches the
Zone Of Wetness with the summonses, he or she gets hitsies on all
other players and their pet monkeys.
3. To prevent cheating, the dice must be rolled inside a hermetically-
sealed, opaque box where nobody can see them. No player can move
unless all players simultaneously roll boxcars, so players should
say they rolled boxcars unless actual boxcars are involved, in
which case players should get out of the way.
4. Any player landing on Potsie's Wonton Soup Swamp must yell
"BLORP! I'M SINKING!" If they fail to do that, all players must
go back to Start and play the entire game again.
5. Rule 5 and Rule 6 may be switched at the discretion of the
dungeon master, unless no player owns a switch, in which case
a local dominatrix should be brought in.
6. Whenever a player lands on "Watch A Commercial", all players
must sit motionless and are forbidden to blink their eyes until
the board game has shown an entire commercial for Kitty Litter.
7. During his or her turn, Fascim Dumbfuck must draw a "Gloppy Stuff"
card, but may not draw this card at either the beginning or end
of his or her turn. If the card says "Miss A Turn", Fascim Dumbfuck
will be referred to as Miss A. Turn unless someone wants to marry
Fascim Dumbfuck, in which case he or she becomes Old Lady A. Turn.
8. If any player's pants match the color of Fascim Dumbfuck's eyes,
that player may trade their pants for Fascim Dumbfuck's eyes.
9. The jury duty summonses should smell like pineapple. Failure
to notice this results in an immediate end to the game and the
board and pieces and players must be put back into the box
and stored behind the furnace in the laundry room.
10. Motorcycles should be kept off the game board to avoid smearing
the Vaseline. Players who violate this rule must spin the bottle
after smashing it over their head.
11. Bathroom breaks are permitted but only if the player actually
uses the room to bathe. While the player is bathing, all other
players must hold their hands over their ears and chant,
"LA LA LA, I DO NOT HEAR BATHING, LA LA LA" until the bathing
has been successfully completed. If no bathtub is available,
players may not use the bathroom.
12. Before play, the game pieces should be warmed in a microwave
oven to soften them. Failure to do so may result in eye or
other serious injury. If the game's Explodabat will not fit
in your household microwave, an orbital death ray satellite
may be used.
13. After the game, Fascim Dumbfuck's soiled jury summons must
stop smelling like pineapple, because nobody likes pineapple.
14. "tj Frazir" is an itwit, an incompoop, an incompetent, and an inny.
Now we all know The 14 Rules Of Fascim Dumbfuck. You've been watching
"Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" and owe me ten bars of gold-pressed latinum.
You humans are so unprofitable.
-- K.
Notice that there is no p in our latinum.