From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Mystery pinball kitties (was: Letterman's stalker) Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2005 00:49:25 -0500 I just wrote: > > Speaking of pinball, the old Tekhan video game (arcade) "Pinball Action", > when its graphics ROMs are inspected, reveals a lot of extra sprites: > Frames of a ball with a heart in the middle, and a lot of frames of a > striped kitten posed as if to push something, such as a ball with a > heart in the middle. So, is there any secret mode in "Pinball Action" > where pussy comes out and smacks your balls around? Because I have been deluged with literally quintillions of messages (for a small value of "literally") asking me what the heck I'm talking about, here are some diagrams: Pinball Action: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_pinball_action_norm.gif Pinball Action sending not just one, but two secret stalker subliminal signals -- a wink and the diadem has changed color: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_pinball_action_wink.gif A dump of one of the game's graphics sets: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_pinball_action_spri.gif An animation I built from three of the frames of the mystery cat to show what said hypothetical cat might look like if he actually did anything: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_pinball_action_cat.gif Note that in the dump of the graphics set, all colors are arbitrary -- because I have no palette information for the cat since the game doesn't normally display him -- so I picked colors for the palette that made the kitty pretty. So tell me, video pinball weenies, what does it all mean? -- K. P.S. As long as I have the emulator running... The graphics set of Centipede: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_centipede_sprites.gif My reconstruction of the lost grasshopper: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_12_centipede_grasshopp.gif You will now have nightmares of a three-legged grasshopper with one of his legs joined directly to his nose. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pac-Man movie still expected to win an Oscar -- on Planet Stupid Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2005 02:23:41 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > OK, have you heard the conspiracy theory that all those video game > movies directed by Uwe Boll are actually designed to lose money, because > the German government pays them when they lose money? Well, maybe > Crystal Sky is trying the same thing, because, damn, how else can they > still exist? How else can they dare to make a Baby Geniuses sequel? I certainly have been thinking that. I consulted a noted Hollywood director (who shall remain nameless 'cause I don't want to mention him on the same page as "Baby Geniuses 2") and he thought the same thing. While "Baby Geniuses" and "Baby Geniuses 2" actually got released in some form where we could see them, none of the other films on the list are ones I've even heard of, and don't seem to be available in any form, even on DVD (at least accounting to a quick check of IMDB/Amazon.com.) Now, when little studios make a film, they don't really care whether it's in theaters for one day or two -- it costs them big money to book theaters and make prints when they know the theatrical revenue won't lead to a profit -- releasing things on DVD is where the money is. (If you get Blockbuster to buy a few copies for each of their thousands of stores, that's a profit.) There's not really any way to lose money producing DVDs if you know what you're doing -- I believe they cost something like two bucks each to make, so if they price them at $10 they can make a profit only selling 20% of the ones they mint. For a studio to produce movies and then _not_ release them on DVD is a sure sign they're not even trying to make a profit. This could be a "Producers"-style scam, or it could be something like Corman's company being paid by Marvel not to release the even more sucky "Fantastic Four", but it's most likely just people lining their pockets with film subsidies. You may notice that whenever you see a really crappy movie based on an old video game or something -- let's say "Wing Commander" or "2001: A Space Travesty" -- the credits indicate filming in a few foreign countries, notably Canada and Romania. ("2001: A Space Travesty" listed _several_ countries for that little piece of shit.) What happens is that these countries give the production money (or at least a tax rebate) if they film part of the movie there, so presumably the producers could be getting the movie's entire budget for free and then paying themselves a nice salary out of that budget. > I have the same theory about Adam Sandler, too. I think he exists just so his production company can make Rob Schneider's movies (such as "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo") so that he can then have a good laugh watching Rob Schneider and Roger Ebert flaming each other. You may recall that for "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" Schneider took out a full-page magazine ad whining that a local critic (not Ebert) didn't like the movie, and told him he wasn't qualified to review his stupid diaper movie because he didn't have a Pulitzer prize, then Ebert wrote a lovely column explaining to Schneider: [rogerebert.suntimes.com] -> -> Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize -> winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks. We need to create a national holiday to observe every anniversary of Roger Ebert using the word "sucks" to describe a movie that sucks. > Incidentally, I don't blame Rob Schneider for agreeing to make Deuce > Bigalow sequel; apparently he got a lot of free travel out of it, > not just to film it but to promote it. Maybe Schneider made it just so he could have an excuse to wear that diaper. You know, to fool people into thinking he doesn't just wear a diaper all day, every day. I question the potty-training of Rob Schneider. Or maybe your theory is correct -- he decided he'd rather let everyone in the world see him wearing a diaper being unfunny just because he was too cheap to buy a plane ticket. Hey, I actually tried watching that movie just to see how bad it was. I didn't get very far before I started fast-forwarding, and remember, I've seen both "Baby Geniuses" movies a couple times. "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" was just as stupid as they were, but they were stupid in really bizarre ways. Schneider's movie was just stuck to the bottom of a giant shoe of stupid. Not "funny ha-ha", not "funny strange", not "funny hideously unfunny", but "SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT". -- K. It was so awful that I didn't even rewind the DVD before returning it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pac-Man movie still expected to win an Oscar -- on Planet Stupid Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2005 02:45:41 -0500 Regarding Crystal Sky's movies, I wrote: > > While "Baby Geniuses" and "Baby Geniuses 2" actually got released in > some form where we could see them, none of the other films on the list > are ones I've even heard of, and don't seem to be available in any form, > even on DVD (at least accounting to a quick check of IMDB/Amazon.com.) Oh, I forgot to mention: Occam's Razor says the most likely explanation would be that the movies don't even exist, but most of those movies have cameos by big motion picture stars such as Pauly Shore, Frank Gorshin, and Adrian Zmed (whose name was spelled "Adrian Amed" in the ineptly- written press kit) so it's unlikely that these movies are as imaginary as Archimedes Plutonium's, unless Adrian Zmed is also imaginary, and I don't think he is because I've seen him being careful not to run faster than William Shatner on "T.J. Hooker". Or maybe their movies were made for cable TV, but even that stuff normally gets released on DVD. And certainly people would have seen the movies on TV and written reviews at IMDB.com. It sure as hell looks like Crystal Sky makes bad movies that have actual existence but are never shown or sold. Maybe Adrian Zmed paid them not to release his so that he wouldn't be embarrassed by seeing them misspelling his name? One of their movies even has a cameo by Kiefer Sutherland. I think he got hired because he's currently in that hit show based on the Crystal Sky executives' combined IQ. Seriously, I want to see these other Crystal Sky movies (assuming they ever decide to make more than one copy of any of them) because so far it actually looks like "Baby Geniuses" is probably their best work. And that's pretty sad. It's like realizing that "Manos: The Hands Of Fate" is actually better than "Outta Control". -- K. I will pay Kiefer Sutherland five dollars if it turns out that his movie wasn't released because he told Crystal Sky "Suck my fat one!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pac-Man movie still expected to win an Oscar -- on Planet Stupid Date: Sun, 08 Jan 2006 09:06:34 -0500 I have highly important news about the forthcoming "Pac-Man" movie. At my local cinema, they just put up this poster above the toilet: +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | He's the guy who still has another guy. | | | | | | Coming soon, it's | | | | PAC-MAN: THE MOTION PICTURE MOVIE! | | | | | | Find out why everyone in America is going waka-waka! | | | | | | starring | | | | Jeremy Irons as Inky | | Eric Roberts as Blinky | | Vicki Lewis as Pinky | | Vicki Lawrence as Pinky's Mom | | Chris Tucker as Clyde | | | | with Pamela Stephenson as "Cherry" | | | | introuducing Burgess Slotnik as Lord Dottymort | | | | and special appearance by Andy Richter as Pac-Man | | | | | | | | If this movie were any more fun, it'd be a game! | | | | PAC-MAN: THE MOTION PICTURE MOVIE! Christmas 2019. | | | +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ -- K. John Rhys-Davies turned down all those roles, even after they offered him the right to keep anything he ate. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spammer name _and_ subject line Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2005 15:58:37 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Since it's been a while since one's been posted I thought this particularly > proud specimen, freshly harvested, would be a fine addition to the Arkian > collection. Assuming of course that such a collection exists. > > From: "Darwin Bacon" (UWalshf@displayarts.com) > Subject: Or sign or blancmange capacity > > So how exactly does Darwin Bacon differ from regular bacon? Also, how much > capacity does the typical blancmange have? The first person to mention > "long pig" as part of the description of the bacon earns a major 'Ewwwww!'. In the future, bacon will evolve from pigs! There will be a war between the pigs and the bacon and the bacon will take over the world. Then Chuck Heston will find a talking Miss Piggy doll in the subway. Finally they will all be killed the The Invasion Of The Bac*Os. Note how I avoided mentioning winning Wimbledon. This is because the blancmanges made a mistake and accidentally tried to win Wimbleton, which people in England talk about more often but isn't a real tennis tourney. Also, tennis isn't a real sport because it's just Ping-Pong with people standing on the table. The only real sports are pinball, hockey, giant ape fights, and gladiators battling to the death with stun guns. What channel are those on these days? I need to know whether upgrading my cable will let me see them in high-definition. Or should I say... high-deathinition! No, I shouldn't. That would have been stupid if I had said it. To sum up, I like bacon. -- K. Darwin Bacon secretly wrote Shakespeare's play "The Descent Of Man". Plorkwort, can'st thou quill us a scene of man's zany descent in iambic pentameter most (INSERT WHATEVER WORD HERE WHICH MAKES WHAT I WROTE A PROPER STANZA)? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spammer name _and_ subject line Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 17:30:43 -0500 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Plorkwort, can'st thou > > quill us a scene of > > man's zany descent > > If one day in the deep primordial soup > Nitrog'nous acids floating without strife > Till lightning flashes assembled their group > Endowing them with principles of life > (Liberty and happiness are hard- > Ly rights of objects not yet even viable) > Impelling them to flagellate forward > Gyring and gimbling through the future pliable > (Ere history had settled into form > Nor could be changed by just a touch of grease) > The atoms, molecules (all without gorm) > Descended into species sans surcease > Each egg to chicken, then involved with bacon > So then the cosmic needle pulling thread > Imbroidered a planktonic constellation > Grinning like a cheshire cat that's fed > Near oceans full of giant squid and kraken. Dude, you're the awesomest. I mean it. I'm always in awe that you can do that on a dare. You're the only person who makes rap fun. Do you hold your pistol gangsta style, or Joe Friday style? -- K. I just got these new black leather fatigue pants in the style of SWAT duty gear, with the giant pockets on the thighs -- I think those pockets are designed to contain two pistols, fifty pounds of ammo, a lifetime supply of cyanide capsules, and an entire season box set of "24". I need to start carrying all those in my pockets just so my Tic Tacs won't be so far down. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: ne.general,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the metalevel Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2005 18:48:29 -0500 In ne.general, Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > > on the internet nobody knows if you are a turning machine I'm sure Alan Turning could tell, if he's not too busy sailing in the America's Cup and running a bunch of cable channels. Also, I fail to see what this has to do with the Boston Public Library. -- K. Long after people have stopped reading books, libraries will remain as a place where people can still go to pass gas. In the library, nobody knows if you are a fartin' machine. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: global tarih ve siyaset Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 16:09:31 -0500 In alt.religion.kibology, hamdi.vardar@hotmail.com wrote: > > d=FCnyadaki siyasi dalgalanmalar hakk=FDnda ve d=FCnya tarihi hakk=FDnda > tart=FD=FEma I am now mentally scatting that to the tune of "Shuffle Off To Buffalo" except without actually scatting it aloud or shuffling off to anywhere. Uh oh, now it's turning into rap. Oh, good, it didn't stay rap long, it just changed into Abba. Wait, it's Abba. That's no good. Swedish accents just don't work when you do them in Turkish. Now it's "Shuffle Off To Buffalo" again. I'll just have to get this wacky rhythmic Turkish catchphrase out of my head the old-fashioned way: By drawing an ASCII diagram of it going into a really badly-drawn toilet. d=FCnyadaki siyasi dalgalanmalar hakk=FDnda ve d=FCnya tarihi ===== hakk=FDnda +| | tar | | ===========| | \ t=FD=FE |___| \___ma___/ || /______\ || Nope, that didn't work, because now it's to the tune of "Shuffle Off To Buffalo" with flushing noises and a talking ice cream truck yelling "AYLO!" and the Cat In The Hat saying "Shazbot!" and Ronald McDonald eating a whole pig. I wonder if that's what hamdi.vardar@hotmail.com intended. -- K. My limited knowledge of Turkish tells me that this is an ad for import/export services. This is because all I know about Turkish is that all Turks are in the import/export business. Also, "Turk" is "Kurt" spelled backwards. In Turkish, Kurt Vonnegut writes all his books backwards. So goes it. Here is an inside-out picture of a toilet: O----+-|| ( | | | )==|======|==|> ( | ___ |/ \ ..++ O \__/___| ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.chem,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: And it shall Nucleosynthesis forever and ever, Atom Plutonium... Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium, alt.sci.physics.plutonium, alt.sci.physics.plutonium, alt.sci.physics.plutonium, alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 18:02:14 -0500 Summary: plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, goofballs, plutonium Keywords: plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, plutonium, pantyhose, plutonium In sci.chem, sci.physics, and sci.math, Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > ATOMPLUTONIUM (Handel's Messiah) > > ATOMPLUTONIUM, ATOMPLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, ATOM > PLUTONIUM ATOMPLUTONIUM, ATOMPLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, ATOM > PLUTONIUM FOR THE ATOM > HAS INFINITE POTENTIAL PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, FOR > THE ATOM HAS INFINITE > POSSIBILITIES PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, FOR THE ATOM > HAS INFINITE POTENTIAL FOR > THE ATOM HAS INFINITE POSSIBILITIES. A DOT OF THE ELECTRON PROBABILITY > DENSITY DISTRIBUTION OF THE 5F6 > FOR THE LAST ELECTRON OF 231PU IS THE PLANET EARTH, ANOTHER DOT IS YOU, > ANOTHER DOT ME. AND ATOMS > WILL NUCLEOSYNTHESIZE FOREVER AND EVER, AND ATOMS WILL NUCLEOSYNTHESIZE > FOREVER AND EVER, AND > ATOMS WILL NUCLEOSYNTHESIZE FOREVER AND EVER, AND ATOMS WILL > NUCLEOSYNTHESIZE FOREVER AND EVER. > ATOM OF ATOMS, FOREVER AND EVER, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, AND ATOM OF > ATOMS, FOREVER AND EVER, > PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, ATOM OF ATOMS, FOREVER AND EVER, PLUTONIUM, > PLUTONIUM, AND ATOM OF ATOMS, > FOREVER AND EVER, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, ATOM OF ATOMS, FOREVER AND > EVER, > PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, > AND ATOM OF ATOMS, ATOM OF ATOMS, FOREVER AND EVER, AND ATOMS WILL > NUCLEOSYNTHESIZE FOREVER AND > EVER. ATOM OF ATOMS AND ATOM OF ATOMS, PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, AND ATOM > OF > ATOMS, FOREVER AND EVER, > AND ATOMS WILL NUCLEOSYNTHESIZE FOREVER AND EVER. ATOM OF ATOMS AND > ATOM > OF ATOMS, ATOM OF > ATOMS, AND ATOMS WILL NUCLEOSYNTHESIZE FOREVER AND EVER. PLUTONIUM, > PLUTONIUM, PLUTONIUM, > PLUTONIUM. ATOMPLUTONIUM! Have you considered setting the same lyrics to a tune they'd go with better, like "Superfreak"? It would probably sell better. How come I can't find your song at Apple's iTunes music store? They sell everything but the Beatles and Madonna, so does this mean you're one of them? If you're Madonna, please stop showing me naked pictures of yourself. > I seem to have a latent spirit this holiday season this year. Of course > the two holy days are 7 November and 14 December when the Plutonium > Atom Totality and the element plutonium were discovered. > > This year I received as a gift of a DVD, > > Handel's Messiah The Choir of King's College Cambridge, Brandenburg > Consort, Stephen Cleobury conductor > > And I really enjoy this DVD because it looks as if the Choir is right > there in my face, so close, so clear that I can see the hairs on the > back of the neck of the singers Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #35: "Archie Watches The Singing Bears" > and see the blemishes on their faces. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired punk band name #46: "Archie And The Zitfaces" > [...] > > But I was surprized that in this performance there are no females in > the choir to sing Hallelujah, but rather very young boys. Just two rows > of male singers, one row of very young boys singing the high notes. > > Now I wonder if these young boys performance is better than the entire > females of other choirs singing Hallelujah such as the Mormon > Tabernacle. Do these young boys do better than the females of the other > choirs? I think so. Well, Arch, if you're really interested in... naah, I'm not going to touch that one with a ten-year-old pole. > Anyone know of the most beautiful performance of Handel's Messiah? One > in which spends at least 10 minutes on the Hallelujah chorus rather > than a mere 3'35". Maybe you should invent some sort of "repeat" button for CD players. > Archimedes Plutonium > www.iw.net/~a_plutonium > whole entire Universe is just one big atom > where dots of the electron-dot-cloud are galaxies Then what makes the wiggly stink lines? -- K. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #36: "Archie Wiggles His Stink Line" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bacon Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 23:09:28 -0500 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Bacon is pig that you eat. When a pig dies under especially auspicious > circumstances, it transforms into bacon or pork, depending (one supposes) > on its karma -- content and fulfilled, one assumes, after a life of quiet > contemplation, for the pig need not work to live. The animal's work is > life itself, and it becomes its own CV, its own portfolio. > > I fancy that instead of immediately starting a new turn on the wheel of > life, a slaughtered pig might prefer to lets its soul linger in the meat, > to see its opus through to the succulent end. How livestock are to be > envied! Unless there is no one to eat them, that is, in which case they > end, murdered and thwarted by agents of international vegetarianism, as > mere corpses. The best thing about pork is that when you grind up 50% pork and 50% aged venison you get a really good simulation of the flavor of human leg meat, though not so stringy, definitely easier to chew. A more important theological question than my above discussion of those sausages they sell at Whole Foods is, what is to pork as veal is to beef? And why are slices of beef "steaks" but slices of pork are "chops"? What animal has slices called "slices"? By the way, baby carrots are just adult carrots cut into chunks. -- K. If you made Canadian bacon that was shaped like American bacon, how many royalties would I deserve for telling you to? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bacon Date: Sat, 31 Dec 2005 16:21:04 -0500 TomH (address@my.sig) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A more important theological question than my above discussion of > > those sausages they sell at Whole Foods is, what is to pork as > > veal is to beef? And why are slices of beef "steaks" but slices > > of pork are "chops"? What animal has slices called "slices"? > > One of my daughters has displayed a very srong resistance to > change. Of anything. One time I replaced a kitchen light > fixture and she screamed in terror when she first saw it. I agree, General Electric CircleLites are scary. They're so close to being that creepy Jell-O mold on the ceiling in that "Star Trek" episode about the machine that can make Captain Kirk think he's madly in love with the ship's slut of the week. The only difference is that General Electric CircleLites hum louder. > So when it came mealtime, she liked beef: burgers, steak, > fajitas, whatever. She also liked pork: chops, loin, bacon, > whatever. But you couldn't tell her that it was pork. So > when we had a cut of pork, we had to tell her it was "steak > chops". Mang! The things we lie to our children about to > make life easier. For them, I mean! The puzzling thing is that if it's ham, you're allowed to have a "ham steak" or a "ham chop", but if it's pork, "pork chops" are socially acceptable but "pork steak" are forbidden words. So I say you did the right thing to defy society's terminological jackboots in order to get your daughter to eat more pork. If everyone in this country called pork by all eight or nine of its names all day while eating it, our nation would be slightly happier, and that would make all the difference in the world. Also, I still say there should be another faucet in the kitchen that's connected directly to our nation's bacon supply (the entire country buys one giant spool of bacon every five years, the slow unwinding of this spool is what powers the machine that turns Daylight Savings Time on and off.) -- K. I approve of the Chinese nomenclature where, on a menu, the little character for "meat" (two tiny people hanging from a spit) means pork and "cow" plus "meat" means beef. Pork should be the default mystery meat in every country. / / / +-----/----+ / | /\ | /\ | / \ | / \ | / / \ | / \ | /\ | / \ | / \ | / \ | / \ / man meat ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: http://www.viennaacademy.com Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 23:14:15 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Learn to be a freelance, door-to-door phlebotomist! > > I just drove by a van with an ad for Complete Phlebotomy Training > (CPT) not even an hour ago and was thinking that was kind of weird. > Now I go back to trying to catch up on ARK and see this. STAY IN MY > COMPUTER AND STOP SPYING ON ME! I like those phlebotomy chairs that have a really big armrest on only one side. They're exactly like the dopey little chairs they have in elementary school except medically approved. I think all grown-up, scientifically-oriented furniture should be enlarged from kiddie furniture. Also you should be allowed to eat dinner on a teeter-totter every day because once you're a grown-up you have the right to put a teeter-totter in any part of your home you want. Which half is the teeter and which half is the totter? Now if you'll excuse me, I must go teach a course in Incomplete Phlebotomy Training. That's where you leave the guy enough blood to get into a taxi. -- K. TOMORROW YOU WILL SEE A TRUCK WITH A "555" PLATE ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What Will Life Be Like In The Futuristic Year Twenty-O-Six? Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 23:17:41 -0500 Eric Boesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Face Transplant Recipient Mr. Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > > > What Will Life Be Like In The Futuristic Year Twenty-O-Six? > > Peace. Lush green hills and blobby extrusions of Melmac architecture. And Tubby Tustard! Tubby Tustard! > The meaning of life not something people search for, but something they > breathe, pervasive and almost tangible. Yayyyyy Tubby Tustard! > A sustainable food chain capped by 100-foot lizards. Eat the Noo-Noo! Eat the Noo-Noo! Yayyyyyy! Again, again! > I may not live to see it, but I like to think I led the way. WHERE'S MY FUCKING TUBBY TUSTARD? -- K. By the way, Mr. Hole, a faceplant is not the same as a face transplant. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Special Show! Episode #10: Theory Of The Funny! Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 23:26:15 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] A stern NURSE, who looks like LARRY KING in a dress > > I'm not reading any further until I have access to a mental image > deleting machine. Man, you don't get "The Special Show!" One of its well-designed side effects is that if you read all the way to the end, it automatically deletes most of your brain cells. It won't hurt. Much. For very long. If you're unconscious while you read it. While in zero gravity. Underwater. On fire. And besides, I could've said Gene Rayburn in a dress. But he turned the role down because he didn't want to embarrass Brett Somers by being the pretty one. -- K. Why don't they make some new episodes of "Match Game '76"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: God is an iron Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 23:37:28 -0500 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > Subject: God is an iron > > So be sure to not touch Him on His flat spot, for He will burn you. And why would that be bad? I'd think God would give the bestest ritual scarifications. That would be pretty cool. God cares how cool you are. God can see everything you're doing, thinking, or even thinking of thinking, so if you make a big show of praying on purpose, God will know you're trying too hard. God doesn't like it when you pray to try to tell him what to do. God likes you to be too cool to care whether or not he even exists, or whether he can see you committing all those sins you should commit if you want to be cool. If you want to get on God's good side, ignore his commandments today! I don't believe in God, which is why I'm going to Heaven. Then I'm gonna wedgie the shit out of Jesus for being such a square. -- K. JESUS IS A DADDY'S BOY ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: CNN jumps the shark... Date: Sat, 31 Dec 2005 17:23:05 -0500 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > learn the 14 rules of fascim dumbfuck. > you dont know do you ! Sure I do. THE 14 RULES OF FASCIM DUMBFUCK 1. The players choose which piece they want to be. If one of the players has changed their legal name to Fascim Dumbfuck, he or she gets the red piece, otherwise, the first one to grab the red piece gets to pretend to be Fascim Dumbfuck. 2. The object of the game is to compete with Fascim Dumbfuck for his or her collection of soiled jury duty summonses. The first one to get Fascim Dumbfuck's jury duty summonses wins, and after the game must report to the courtroom. If Fascim Dumbfuck reaches the Zone Of Wetness with the summonses, he or she gets hitsies on all other players and their pet monkeys. 3. To prevent cheating, the dice must be rolled inside a hermetically- sealed, opaque box where nobody can see them. No player can move unless all players simultaneously roll boxcars, so players should say they rolled boxcars unless actual boxcars are involved, in which case players should get out of the way. 4. Any player landing on Potsie's Wonton Soup Swamp must yell "BLORP! I'M SINKING!" If they fail to do that, all players must go back to Start and play the entire game again. 5. Rule 5 and Rule 6 may be switched at the discretion of the dungeon master, unless no player owns a switch, in which case a local dominatrix should be brought in. 6. Whenever a player lands on "Watch A Commercial", all players must sit motionless and are forbidden to blink their eyes until the board game has shown an entire commercial for Kitty Litter. 7. During his or her turn, Fascim Dumbfuck must draw a "Gloppy Stuff" card, but may not draw this card at either the beginning or end of his or her turn. If the card says "Miss A Turn", Fascim Dumbfuck will be referred to as Miss A. Turn unless someone wants to marry Fascim Dumbfuck, in which case he or she becomes Old Lady A. Turn. 8. If any player's pants match the color of Fascim Dumbfuck's eyes, that player may trade their pants for Fascim Dumbfuck's eyes. 9. The jury duty summonses should smell like pineapple. Failure to notice this results in an immediate end to the game and the board and pieces and players must be put back into the box and stored behind the furnace in the laundry room. 10. Motorcycles should be kept off the game board to avoid smearing the Vaseline. Players who violate this rule must spin the bottle after smashing it over their head. 11. Bathroom breaks are permitted but only if the player actually uses the room to bathe. While the player is bathing, all other players must hold their hands over their ears and chant, "LA LA LA, I DO NOT HEAR BATHING, LA LA LA" until the bathing has been successfully completed. If no bathtub is available, players may not use the bathroom. 12. Before play, the game pieces should be warmed in a microwave oven to soften them. Failure to do so may result in eye or other serious injury. If the game's Explodabat will not fit in your household microwave, an orbital death ray satellite may be used. 13. After the game, Fascim Dumbfuck's soiled jury summons must stop smelling like pineapple, because nobody likes pineapple. 14. "tj Frazir" is an itwit, an incompoop, an incompetent, and an inny. Now we all know The 14 Rules Of Fascim Dumbfuck. You've been watching "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" and owe me ten bars of gold-pressed latinum. You humans are so unprofitable. -- K. Notice that there is no p in our latinum. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: fix what got broke Date: Sat, 31 Dec 2005 20:40:37 -0500 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I wonder if i can get a forskin replant? I never agreed that the tip of my > cock could be sacrificed to some weirdo god. I dont even believe in gods > and if i did it wouldnt be the one that my cokc got sacrificed to. There are a lot of guys who spend much of their time with bizarre weights and clamps and pliers and tractors attached to their penis in an effort to stretch the skin forwards to look like they still have a real foreskin, but the problem is that it won't make much difference because when the rabbi, doctor, or duck took away your original foreskin, most of your nerve endings went away with it. If you want to be more sensitive, I recommend a piercing. And after the piercing, if you're still not satisfied, it'll make it easier to hook up the tractor. > -phy(2 beers down 16 to go) Yeah, you should have all 18 in you before you get the piercing. I heard Steve Jobs say that the new iPod will be able to do piercings. You should've known that was coming after all that stuff about the "commercially pure titanium" veneer on the Powerbooks. The new iPod PA will be able to implant several types of genital piercings, and will include a supply of titanium rings, but you'll have to pay extra to get the anodized niobium ones in your choice of blueberry, grape, lime, strawberry, tangerine, or Blue Dalmatian. -- K. And please don't tell me what you're doing with your gummi worms. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's New Year's Eve and you're getting older... older... older... Date: Sat, 31 Dec 2005 20:56:13 -0500 Tonight is the night everyone everywhere in the world simultaneously celebrates humanity's greatest achievement -- moving a disco ball down a pole at the same exact time people take the shrink-wrap off their new Just Black Lab Puppies calendar. While drunk. And not actually simultaneously because we haven't yet figured out how to temporarily suspend time zones for the convenience of drunks. I'm going to go out and party like it's "Space: 1999". I'm going to put on my best white bell-bottoms and go-go boots and drive a white plastic desk back and forth across Main Mission while disco music plays. No, wait, I'm not going to do that, because that was so last year. Tonight it's going to be 2006, when all fashions are new and different. From now on, people will wear socks on their ears and all pants will be made of Styrofoam and music will sound like eight-hour-long farts. Unless the scientists of the world can hurry up and find a way to stop the Earth from turning so that New Year's will never happen and pop culture will not get one year stupider and people will never age and die and get all old and grody. We must stop the Earth's rotation to prevent all that stuff, and also to make the oceans slosh around in a really cool way. "Look mom, I builded a sand castle! Hey, what's that wave reaching up past the clouds?" The biggest news story of the day has been the conspiracy of all the time scientists in the world to add a "leap second" about two hours ago, to ensure that my local 7pm "Seinfeld" rerun would start a second later because if it started at exactly the same time over and over that would set up a dangerous cosmic resonance like when all those Roman soldiers marched over their bridges in unison which is why there are now all these Roman ruins, because the soldiers didn't use leap seconds when they walked around. To sum up, it's nearly 2006, but you could have said that about any of the past ten years. I vote we stop using this darn Gregorian calendar and switch to a different one, but still with pictures of Just Black Lab Puppies. I'll leave it to the time scientists to determine which lab the black puppies will be photographed in. They look so cute crammed into those Erlenmeyer flasks! -- K. Is the leap second the reason there's no hot water in my stupid bathtub? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Oh Atom Plutonium (o mio babbino caro); still celebrating God Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Sun, 01 Jan 2006 23:40:09 -0500 In sci.physics, soc.history, and sci.edu, Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Oh Atom Plutonium > (with the same music as Puccini's O Mio Babbino Caro) > > Oh Atom Plutonium > I love science, it is so beautiful > I want to go to Plutonium > to rest my soul > Yes, yes, I mean it > And if my love were in vain > I would go to the Nucleus > and condemn myself to a Node > I fret and suffer torments > Oh God, I would rather die > Atom Plutonium, Nucleosynthesis > Atom Plutonium, Nucleosynthesis You know, if you could do that to the tune of the theme from "Mighty Mouse", you might have an act. Although it would help if you weren't so weird. > All the world's finest music is waiting to be turned into Atom > Plutonium music in reverence to our only true God. And what about rap music, Archie? How does your Theory Of Everything take rap music into account? Rap me, Dr. Plutonium! -- K. Oh, and have you heard? They invented this thing called "scansion". It's what separates actual music from stuff where a crazy person went through and replaced all the one-syllable nouns with the same four-syllable chemical element. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.puzzles,alt.tv.game-shows Subject: Re: The Price is Right showcase showdown optimal strategy Date: Tue, 03 Jan 2006 17:53:14 -0500 In alt.religion.kibology, rec.puzzles, and alt.tv.game-shows, jmike@alum.mit.edu wrote: > > I just recently ran across the Wikipedia's page on "The Price is > Right", and took the absence of a computed optimal strategy there as a > challenge, not knowing that the problem had been tackled in these > newsgroups in 2000. > > I computed the strategies as: > - First player spins again on 65c or less > - Second player spins again on 50c or less, or when behind the > first player (i.e. second player stands on a tie at 55c or higher) > - Third player spins again on a tie against a single opponent > at 45c or less, and on a tie against two opponents at 65c or > less. Third player may spin again or not on a tie against one > opponent at 50c. > > This basically matches the strategy computed by John Savard in May 2000. > > I would like to note that an objection was raised by James Parry, in > that the expected value of the showcase enters into the computation. Yeah, but whoever that James Parry guy is, he probably doesn't know anything about TV game shows -- oh, wait, now I remember, wasn't he that guy who used to host "Card Sharks"? The one who parted his toupee with a trowel? I respect him, although he keeps spelling his own name wrong. Your strategy seems sound to me, though as you note the problem needs to be defined as to whether the players are simply trying to enter the Showcase Showdown (i.e. beating the others they're spinning against) or trying to maximize their take (i.e. beating the others and also factoring in the possibility of the prizes for bonus spins.) But you've dealt with the first case above, and you deal with the second case below, so I hereby declare you the WINNER! WINNER! WINNER! Here's Johnny Olson to tell you how much Rice-A-Roni you've won! "A year's supply!" And how much is a year's supply? "We don't know!" > We can reject this in the case of the third player, because the implied > equity in a single bonus spin is $600. No showcase is ever worth $1200 > or less (or even $2000 or less; see below for the details as to why > this number needs to be modified), so nobody is going to take a 1/20 > chance at missing a chance at the showcase in order to try for a bonus > spin. Any claim that "nobody is going to take a 1/20 chance..." assumes that "Price Is Right" contestants are rational. All of them. Even the ones who play the Clock Game. I say the Clock Game proves that not all "Price Is Right" contestants are math professors. "And the clock will start with your first guess as to the price of this refrigerator." "ONE THOUSAND!" "Lower..." "TWO THOUSAND!" "Lower!" "THREE THOUSAND!" "LOWER!" "One dollar?" "Higher!" "Two dollars?" "HIGHER!" "ONE THOUSAND!" "Okay, stop the clock..." I often think that, in order to educate the public about the economy, we should get Bob Barker to host a special installment of the Clock Game where a random person has only three hours to guess the exact amount of the national debt. The only reason that hasn't been done yet is that last time they tried taping it Bob couldn't figure out whether to say "higher" or "lower" after the contestant said "One jillion!" > The closest situation in which the second player may need to take the > showcase into consideration is when considering whether to spin again > after a first spin of 55c which beats the first player. The second > player will survive .2875 of the time if she doesn't spin again, and > .2803 of the time if she does. Now the $30 implied equity in spinning > again matters. If the average value of a showcase is $n, the $30 > equity is worth sacrificing very roughly 60/n probability of winning > the showcase showdown. The second player should therefore spin again > after a first spin of 55c if she believes the average value of a > showcase on which she will bid is on the rough order of $8000 or less. Hmm, this means that the optimal strategy may change at certain times due to the gradual escalation of the Showcase prize values. (When I started watching it around 1973, A! New! Car! was often worth $3,999.) When they introduced the ten-thousand-dollar bonus spin a few years after that, it was comparable to the value of the Showcases, but now the Showcases are worth more. What they should do if they want to make the show entertaining is to raise the bonus spin to being worth much more, so that some of the contestants will try to enter the Showcase but others will just gamble on winning the cash prize, and also they should be allowed to vote each other off the island. Oh, and they should all dress up in funny costumes passed out by the producers before the show and the seats should be electrified. I miss the days when Monty Hall gave people electrical shocks. Now he just befuddles Marilyn vos Savant. ...I wonder how she'd do on the Clock Game? > This number can be modified somewhat based on how big a winner the > player was: the smaller a winner the player was in her original game, > the more likely she will have to bid first (since the first showcase > seems to be of lower value more often), yielding a lower probability of > winning the showcase since the first player is at a slight strategic > disadvantage, which effectively pushes the break-even showcase value > higher. I would be very surprised if the break-even showcase value > were ever higher than about $12000 though -- the strategic disadvantage > to the first player does not seem to be really huge. Okay, now for the harder version of the problem: The rules are apparently that after the first spin, if the wheel doesn't go all the way around, Bob Barker tells the audience to boo the contestant, and they get a do-over (but only one do-over per contestant, and not during the bonus spins.) Assume that there is no monetary value equivalent to having a roomful of housewives and sailors booing you. So, doesn't it make sense to intentionally give it only a half-spin so that you can gauge the weight of the wheel and then try to aim your real spin to be more likely to hit the area of the wheel which has the best average value? (Pat Sajak would be able to hit the $1.00 space every time! Also, he has better hair than that guy who hosted "Card Sharks".) The contestants who don't use their free do-over just for the heck of it seem as silly as a lawyer who doesn't use his peremptory challenges. I mean, _I_ would've kicked me off that jury. But I guess that guy hadn't yet learned big words like "peremptory". Do you think Bob Barker ever gets jury duty? "Two consecutive life sentences -- I'm sorry, you've GONE OVER." > Any other decision any player has to make about whether to risk a > possible victory to spin again is a much less close decision, and > we can safely reject the strategy implications of the size of the > showcase as above. > > So, although James Parry is strictly correct in saying the problem is > insoluble because of the unknown value of the showcase, we can > certainly come close. Close enough, in my opinion. I'm not allowed to come close to Bob Barker. Most game shows now make their contestants sign an "I'm not Kibo" affidavit after that incident where I ruined "Match Game" forever. -- K. Afterwards, Gene Rayburn's skull never returned to its original shape. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.puzzles,alt.tv.game-shows Subject: Re: The Price is Right showcase showdown optimal strategy Date: Wed, 04 Jan 2006 17:21:13 -0500 In alt.religion.kibology, rec.puzzles, alt.tv.game-shows, Gareth Owen (usenet@gwowen.freeserve.co.uk) asked the entire world about nothing in particular: > > Haven't you tired of this schtick yet? Well, Gareth, I'm sure that -- whatever you're talking about to whomever -- somewhere there's someone who hasn't tired of something yet. This is, after all, the Internet, where everything is special. Even you're pretty special. In the future, there will be so many channels that in order to fill them all up, the laws of logic will require there to be a special game show just for every special person. Yours could be one titled "Guess whether I'm tired of this schtick yet!" where the entire audience would get to find out whether you're tired of this schtick yet. It would be the first game show that would be as important as CNN since it would revolve around bringing everyone the most important information there is -- the news that some guy might be complaining about something. "Stop the presses!" the host would yell, then everyone would laugh because they don't have any presses, then for the bonus round we could find out how you felt about not being able to stop the presses you don't have. So what would the prizes be? We need to know so we can compute the optimal strategy for winning without having to actually watch your show. (We wouldn't want to miss whatever was on all the other channels.) -- K. It could be hosted by Gene Rayburn, because he's dead! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.puzzles,alt.tv.game-shows Subject: Re: The Price is Right showcase showdown optimal strategy Date: Tue, 03 Jan 2006 20:36:54 -0500 stevegavazzi@hotmail.com wrote: > > I know this is hardly the point of your post, Kibo, Yay! I got a point! That puts me ahead! > but for the sake of accuracy, contestants spin however many times > it takes them to get the wheel all the way around -- outside of > bonus spins, there is no way for such a thing to disqualify anyone. I stand corrected. I knew Bob Barker doesn't let you spin again if the wheel doesn't go all the way around on the bonus spin, I wasn't aware you could muff multiple spins at the beginning of your turn. So now I say that the optimal strategy is to have your arms replaced with bionic claws. Then set your robot arms to give the wheel a push of precisely 0.001 dynes. Get booed. Then apply 0.002 dynes. 0.003. 0.004. Eventually -- after a few million tries -- it'll go all the way around, landing on some random number. For your second spin (I assume you have memorized the layout of the numbers on the wheel, like all responsible TV viewers) you will have already learned how many dynes are needed to get the wheel to go around any fraction of the way, so spin the wheel to the number you need to total $1, get booed for your wimpy robot spin, then spin it around exactly one revolution again to score your perfect dollar. Bob will then move the wheel to the $1 space for your bonus spin and give you the lecture about how you have to get the wheel all the way around this time, unlike 999,998 of your last million spins. Send it around exactly once and collect the big money you can use to pay for part of the cost of your bionic arms. On a related question about something completely unrelated, what made-up number of hours does Bob claim have to elapse before the Range Finder can be re-started, as of this season? I haven't seen the show lately, but I remember he used to claim different imaginary numbers in different seasons. (I have a theory that he can't say "24" any more because he's afraid Kiefer Sutherland will suddenly appear and torture the Mountain Climber guy until he admits his connections to the shadowy International Terrorist Yodeler Association.) Also, I've never seen the secret price of the Range Finder hidden anywhere near either end of its spectrum. Are the places it's hidden randomly distributed within some middle fraction of the range, or is it a Gaussian distribution, or does the stagehand who tucks the plastic arrow behind the layer of green tissue paper just slap it into the middle of the range with as little effort at randomness as possible? -- K. And why do "Match Game '76" contestants always choose "B"? I keep watching "Match Game '76" to see if they'll ever switch to preferring "A", but I think there's something stupid about these contestants I'm watching over and over. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hair color update #20060101a. Date: Tue, 03 Jan 2006 23:24:06 -0500 Well, on New Year's it was time to redo my hair, and I was still seriously considering trying to do something like a Mohawk. I looked at my hair and decided I don't really have long enough hair to do a proper standing-up Mohawk -- maybe I'll try that once the weather's not hat-cold, and once my hair grows longer. I did put a little gel into it and try pulling up the center into a cock's-comb ridge without shaving the sides, just to see what that would look like. It looked bad, so I immediately shampooed the gel out. Then a couple days later, while posting this, "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" was on and Jai now has exactly that hairstyle, and it looks horrible on him too. (Plus he's aging ten times as fast as I am. I'm glad I don't go anywhere near tanning beds.) It looked fine on Dennis Hopper in the "Super Mario Brothers" movie, but it's not for me. It's depressing to think that Dennis Hopper is superior to me in some way, even if it's just in terms of his ability to carry off a stupid hairstyle. What's the official name of the like-a-Mohawk-but-without-any-shaving style, anyhow? I mean this one (which wins the "URL Says It All" award): http://images.usatoday.com/life/gallery/uncool/mohawk.jpg mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006_01_not_a_mohawk.jpg Basically, I think any attempt to make the midddle of your hair pointy looks bad if you don't also make the sides go away. Instead of a Mohawk you basically look like a pinhead, or one of those "Star Trek" people whose taint is on the wrong end. Doesn't work at all if you have a beard. If I ever achieve a real Mohawk I'll probably have to lose the beard when I shave the sides of my head. Anyway, I bleached the Hi-Octane Orange out of my hair and put in a jar of Electric Banana mixed with a teaspoon of Napalm Orange. So I now have a sort of fluorescent cheddar cheese color. Remember how Crayolas used to have two colors between each of their primaries and secondaries -- "blue-green" and "green-blue"? (I can't remember which of those was 2/3 blue and which was 2/3 green.) Well, I've currently got the color that's 2/3 yellow and 1/3 orange. I don't remember whether they called it "yellow-orange" or "orange-yellow" but it was one of my favorite Crayolas when I was five. (The others were copper and -- cue Chemical Brothers music -- cornflower blue.) The light orange isn't getting as many reactions as the Hi-Octane Orange (which was almost red.) But thankfully it's stopped people saying how nice it was that I obviously dyed my hair just for Christmas. -- K. Remember when Max Maven had enough hair that he looked like Dracula instead of just gay? I could do the Dracula so easily. But then I'd have to start wearing a cape, and then people would keep asking me to catch super-criminals, and it would be such a hassle having to find an all-night laundry that can get Kryptonite out of a cape. Plus I don't have the scary mental powers Max Maven has. I only have scary Mentos powers. Care for a Mentos? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update #20060101a. Date: Wed, 04 Jan 2006 17:27:34 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What's the official name of the like-a-Mohawk-but-without-any-shaving > > style, anyhow? > > I have heard it called a "faux-hawk" before, but it is only available > from the places where you get your hair cut for more than $90 (tossers!) Dude, if you can't figure out how to mess up your own hair, you _deserve_ to be paying people $90 to squirt Elmer's Glue into your hair. Elmer's Glue is a common choice for spiked hair, since it shampoos out easily (Elmer's dissolves in hot water.) I did my experiment with Beyond The Zone Pro Formula Spike It Orange Hair Cement (because it was a darker shade of orange than my hair, which made the horrible- looking fauxhawk more prominent) but clearly from the smell of the stuff it's just Elmer's Glue plus orange dye plus a hint of lemon. If I ever do a Mohawk for real I'll just buy lots of Elmer's so that it won't cost any significant money to shampoo it out every night. I assume I can just stir a little orange dye in. I dare you to go into a beauty-supply store and say, "I'm tired of paying $90 for bad hair, I want you to sell me a tube of Beyond The Zone Pro Formula Spike It Orange Hair Cement!" all in one breath without cracking up. Because they wouldn't be able to charge $4.49 for a tube of Beyond The Zone Pro Formula Spike It Orange Hair Cement if they called it what it really is, Orange Kiddie Glue With A Really Long Name That Makes You Dopey If You Ever Say It. I particularly like how the ingredients on stuff like this always use technical terms for everything in order to impress you. In this case, the first ingredient is "WATER (AQUA)". Because people who buy junk like this might not know any words for water in a living language. You know, I was thinking. Muzak tends to play stuff from almost exactly two decades ago -- at the moment, my local supermarkets are playing Dire Straits' only hit and Miami Sound Machine's only hit. Noise bands are apparently big on the supposedly-hip alternative scene right now, which means they'll be mainstream in about three years. That means in 2019 every Stop & Shop will be playing 190-decibel grinding noises at you while you're trying to buy your futuristic food pills. I think the way they pick music for supermarkets is that it has to not only be 20 years old, but be something nobody's tried to listen to during the last 19 of those years. The question is, regarding the loud grinding noises these days, are even the people who are trying to listen to them actually trying to listen to them? Kids these day. They all oughta be penned up and made to listen to the perfectly good harpsichord and Theremin music we had back when I first became permanently cool. -- K. Also rubbing wet wineglasses. That's pretty cool, even though Ben Franklin did it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update #20060101a. Date: Thu, 05 Jan 2006 22:38:44 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > What has precipitated this increase in musical reference [by Kibo]? > > It's not that he's suddenly started liking music or anything. > It's that the above involves music he -doesn't- like, which you can > do totally separate from liking ANY music at all, and it's got enough > more annoying to him that the annoyance is flowing out his fingers > into Usenet to-day. > > Dave "of course, if I'm wrong and he's starting a band, he'll have SO many > drummer applications..." DeLaney Well, having someone who could play the drums (or even a real instrument) would give us a big edge over the Village People at The Battle Of The Identical-Looking Bands. Though it might be more interesting to do one of those retro-futuristic sci-fi bands, like if Mark Ayres were a member of Devo. We'd all wear silver jumpsuits with giant shoulders and play the Theremin and the Moog monophonic synth and the Dingfutzer and the Blaster Beam. I was watching the pathetic old "Dr. Strange" TV-movie this weekend and the bootleg's case didn't say what year it was made, but I guessed 1978 or 1979 because the closest it came to having any action was that occasionally you'd hear the Blaster Beam play a riff when someone was staring woodenly at something. I knew it had to be '78-'79 because the Blaster Beam was popularized by "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" for about fifteen minutes before people started saying "Not that damn Blaster Beam again!" So "Dr. Strange" had to be done either right before or right after the much faster-paced "Star Trek" movie. So here's what we'll do. We'll put on our silver jumpsuits with our homemade capes and play Plutonium Hymns on our Theremin, Moog, Dingfutzer, and Blaster Beam. But because that would sound awful, our gimmick will be that we'll keep our electric instruments from sounding bad by playing them all unplugged. We'd have to get the mike really close to the Theremin to pick up the sounds of hands moving through the air. [www.filmcement.com, blog entry by "Warren"] -> -> The Blaster Beam: The Real Orgasmatron...? -> -> Sometime in the 70's, Craig Huxley -- a former child TV star who -> appeared briefly on the original Star Trek -- created a truly -> remarkable musical instrument called the Blaster Beam. Basically, -> it was an 18 foot long piece of aluminum fitted with movable -> pickups and numerous strings which, when plucked, produced some -> seriously visceral bass tones. The Beam's first 15 minutes of fame -> came when it was used to produce the signature theme for the -> sentient space probe in 1979's "Star Trek: The Motion Picture". -> -> And that might have been the last of it, were it not for a 1990 -> concert in New York's Central Park where "over a dozen women -> reported having intensely sexual feelings from the Beam sound, up -> to and including orgasm". And this experience wasn't confined to -> live performances... Here's the testimonial of the owner of a -> synth with Beam settings who recently subjected a lady-friend to -> the resulting sounds: -> -> "The expression on her face abruptly changed. When I asked her -> what was wrong, she blinked for a moment and said, 'Please play -> that again. Louder.' I did so, and had the odd experience of -> watching her eyes glaze over as she half fell into a chair -> breathing hard. 'I...*like* that sound,' she managed to get out in -> a whisper." We probably wouldn't be able to get that effect if it was unplugged, because without the pickups it would just sound like someone banging on a guy wire (I recall that for the "Star Trek" soundtrack it was actually being hammered on with a mallet made from an old artillery shell) but here's the new idea: Our instruments would be plugged in, but not to speakers -- they'd all be wired directly to metal clamps that could be attached to various private body parts of our audience. The concert wouldn't end until every audience member had passed out from the wonderful wonderment of the wondrous wondrousness of this wonderful idea. Except that Kitaro might have already tried this -- I'm told he still uses the Blaster Beam in concerts. I make the assumption that he uses the Blaster Beam this way because he's Japanese, and we all know that Japanese people can't have an orgasm without an eighteen- foot-long electrified aluminum resonator, preferably one which can morph into a bipedal robot that will be their special friend. Anyway, I'm not starting a band. But I am considering starting a bootleg version of "Disney On Ice" where people can watch Nicky Nouse and Derwood Duck figure-skating in some manner which doesn't remotely induce orgasms. -- K. The Dingfutzer, for those of you who don't already know, was a track on one of those 1960s sound effects library records that had the pictures of hypodermic needles on the sleeve ("Doctored For Super Sound!") It was an electronic noise which went "wooble-gooble-WOOBLE-GOOBLE- zew-zew-ZEW-zew-zew!" Ironically, that noise from the hypodermic albums was most commonly used to represent the terrifying effects of LSD in anti-drug propaganda films narrated by Anita Bryant. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update #20060101a. Date: Thu, 05 Jan 2006 21:59:27 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Kids these days. They all oughta be penned up and made to listen > > to the perfectly good harpsichord and Theremin music we had back > > when I first became permanently cool. > > What has precipitated this increase in musical reference? It's possible > that I never noticed it before, but because I hang on every word youwrite, > and have known of your lack of musical interest ever since reading the > back jacket cover of NEEDS MORE WANGER, I think I would have noticed > earlier. Gee, pardon me for not wearing earplugs in the supermarket and club to avoid having to be bothered by the horrible music we're forced to listen to every time we leave the house. (Of course, earplugs hardly matter at my local club because the deafeningly loud noisemusic goes right through earplugs. After all, earplugs reduce it by 33 decibels at most, and that stuff's gotta be at least 130 at times.) In general I hate music (with a few exceptions), but I think I'm allowed to be more annoyed by certain music, such as the 9999999th time I was immersed in "Jingle Bell Rock" while shopping last month, the fact that Muzak is now in an era where we'll have to listen to "Roxanne" another thousand times to re-create the horror of 1986 ("YOUUUUU DON'T HAVE TO PUT ONNNN THE REEEEEED LIIIIIIIGHT!"), and that my local night-time hangout is infested with DJs who think the only music worth playing is music which isn't even music and sounds like the inside of a spastic trash compactor. Normally right now I'd be getting ready to leave for that club so I could attempt to socialize under the grinding noises, but I'm feeling a little ill today, so I'm staying home and watching the overly-hyped new episode of "CSI" about the guy who gets shot with a silver bullet because someone thinks he's a werewolf because he has a mild case of hypertrichosis (i.e. he's got hairy arms and legs.) All the CSI dudes are weirded out by the fact that the guy has heavy body hair -- the words "circus freak" are used -- and all I'm thinking is that if I didn't have a cold, I'd be out and about and wouldn't be watching this stupid show about someone who has 10% more chest hair than me. I heard that next week, they're going to spend an hour talking about a guy who has freckles! EWWW FRECKLES. Freckles are a rare genetic abnormality! As recently as twenty years ago, people with freckles had to be institutionalized! You know, we're so fascinated by freckles because the innate horror we feel when seeing freckles reminds us of our own mortality and OH SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. It's weird how we as a society have decided that freak shows -- where people choose to exhibit their natural differences -- are morally objectionable, but the current top-rated TV show has the premise that every week someone who is different gets killed. There are two CSI plots: "He had a ____________ fetish, and that automatically led to his murder because his sexuality was different and therefore wrong," or "He had a genetic ___________ condition, which makes him more interesting to dissect than someone normal." It's a snuff freak show. -- K. Maybe Wil Wheaton could get to be on "CSI" more often if he grew some warts. Let's take up a collection to give Wil Wheaton warts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update #20060101a. Date: Wed, 04 Jan 2006 01:03:37 -0500 James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > Well, on New Year's it was time to redo my hair, and I was still seriously > considering trying to do something like a Mohawk. > > I looked at my hair and decided I don't really have long enough hair to > do a proper standing-up Mohawk -- maybe I'll try that once the weather's > not hat-cold, and once my hair grows longer. I did put a little gel > into it and try pulling up the center into a cock's-comb ridge without > shaving the sides, just to see what that would look like. It looked bad, > so I immediately shampooed the gel out. > > [...] > > What's the official name of the like-a-Mohawk-but-without-any-shaving > style, anyhow? To say you people the trouble, I went back and did my research: [www.askmen.com, 2004] -> -> I consulted with male hairstylist Ferdinando from Le Pascha men's -> grooming center, who relayed the good news to me. When I asked him -> what the latest hair trends are, his enthusiastic response was, -> "Everything!" -> -> [...] -> -> Style your hair with a quasi-mohawk (really!), by adding pomade to -> emphasize the hair in the middle of your head so that it sticks up -> more than the rest of your hair. But there shouldn't be too much -> of a difference between this so-called mohawk and the rest of your -> hair. This ain't no '80s mohawk. [www.askmen.com, another 2004 article] => => The mullet meets the mohawk => => Keep reading... Mullets made a brief comeback in 2001, when the => David Spade vehicle, "Joe Dirt" was released. And now, perhaps => because of the '80s resurgence, mullets are returning, full => throttle. But keep in mind, this is the _cool_ mullet. In order to => get the look I'm referring to, let your hair grow to about => collar-length (making sure it's the same length all around). => Here's the clincher: the sides (from the back of the ear, forward) => are shaved, and the top of the hair is styled into a quasi-mohawk. [wikipedia.com] -> -> The faux-hawk or fauxhawk, also known as a fohawk, Thoma-hawk' -> (Thom Yorke of Radiohead once sported a messy style very in -> similar to this in the early mid 90's), Chicken Hawk (not 'macho' -> enough to actually commit to a 'real' mohawk), Corpo-Hawk, (given -> that this hair style is conservative hair style and less extreme -> as its counterpart), it remains a fashionably 'safe' haircut. It -> is a hairstyle quite similar to the mohawk hairstyle. Hair on the -> top of the head is combed to resemble a small fan mohawk. The hair -> on the sides of the head is not shaved, though it might be -> shorter. [trendcentral.com, date unknown] => => Mohawk Revisited => => Last seen on London's Kings Road circa 1977 and on Mr. T circa => 1982, the mohawk hairstyle is back. But the new mohawk is a => kinder, gentler version of its predecessor. Mile-high spikes => reinforced with Elmer's Glue, like the ones once favored by the UK => set, aren't part of the look anymore. The style seen on hipster => twentysomething guys today alludes to its rebellious origins, but => takes it easy by flopping lazily over on its side. And forget => high-maintenance requirements like a daily shave to keep the sides => smooth and shiny. Now the hair on either side is allowed to grow => in, blurring the distinction and resulting in a style that looks => like a buzzcut with a longer strip through the middle. Another => variation, the Mr. T look--a short, stubby mohawk with shaved => sides--can be found on more flamboyant types, as in British soccer => star David Beckham (aka Mr. Posh Spice) on the cover of The Face's => July 2001 issue. [Chicago Tribune, "Last trends of summer: The fauxhawk," 2003] -> -> Somewhere at the intersection of European sports fashion and Mr. T -> revivals stands a man or a woman with a fauxhawk. He might be a -> stock trader, she might be the lead singer in a local band, or -> they might be both. Either way, they are part of a hairstyle trend -> that has gained ground in Chicago -- possibly too much for the -> fashionable set. -> -> The name, of course, is a play on the mohawk style, which it -> resembles only in principle: The hair is noticeably longer on top -> than on the sides. But whereas a proper mohawk is completely -> shaved on the sides and drastically high in the middle, high -> enough to require egg whites or Elmer's glue to hold its shape, -> the fauxhawk simply requires hair that's longer where the mohawk -> would be. [wordspy.com] => => If any one person can be blamed, er, I mean, credited with => popularizing the fauxhawk, it's soccer star David Beckham, who => sported the 'do during the 2002 World Cup tournament. (That's him => on the left.) In fact, in some parts of the world this style is => called the Beckham. Eww, yuk. Between it being featured on "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" and on David Beckham (whoever he is) I'm glad I thought it looked stupid when I tried it for a few minutes. I feel stupid even typing the word "fauxhawk", let alone saying it, let alone looking at myself in the mirror with one. I had it for all of sixty seconds and still I feel like I took an overdose of whatever that stuff is that's like Viagra except that instead of giving you an erection it just makes you an idiot. So my options are now: 1. Little scouring-pad Mohawk like Travis Bickle, Elderly Mr. T, etc. 2. Real spiked Roman centurion Mohawk like the person who would be your dorm roommate in a bad comedy movie. 3. A normal, regular hairstyle like I already have. 4. Shaved head. 5. Something really bizarre, like shaving a checkerboard into my head and gluing strips of bacon to my eyebrows. #1 just doesn't seem that interesting. Plus it'd come out with an obvious gap in the middle. For #2, the gap wouldn't be such a big deal, but I'd have to grow out my hair another several months first, and I wouldn't be able to wear a hat when I wanted to wear a kickass hat. #3 I already have experience with. It works, but it could be stranger. #4 I've done at various times as well. Problem is it makes me look crazy in a really pathetic way. My head's not shaped like Bruce Willis's, it's shaped like Richard Moll's. I look like someone who got kicked off the set of "THX-1138" for looking too dweeby. #5 might be a little extreme, plus I'd rather eat the bacon. And Andy Warhol already used up the idea of wearing a wig ironically. Well, I'm going to shelve the idea of a Mohawk until later in the year. Until then, I'll just play musical colors. And keep wearing kickass hats. Do they sell lead-lined hats? I really like my lead-lined gloves, and I'm tired of all the radiation escaping from my head. I don't want anyone getting free radiation from me. If people wanna get cancer, they gotta pay me. -- K. I just can't say "fauxhawk". I can say this: I decided to get a nohawk. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update #20060101a. Date: Wed, 04 Jan 2006 00:19:47 -0500 TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, on New Year's it was time to redo my hair, and I was still > > seriously considering trying to do something like a Mohawk. > > I suspect you'll address it in sufficient detail,...but no use reading > ahead. > > Which kind of Mohawk? The thick/thatch stripe, or the '78 punk (much > longer) spikes? READ A HEAD DUDE !!!!!!!!!!11111122222222333333444445556677891011121314infinity > > I looked at my hair and decided I don't really have long enough hair to > > do a proper standing-up Mohawk > > From what I've read, it will take some time. I've, on the otherhand, > realized it's too thin on top to do anything of interest - fricking 43...... 43? You're an OLD WANKA!!! You probably have an old-dude crew cut and wear trousers with a watch pocket. You're even older than most of the stuff they show on the Game Show Network! Last night I had a dream that I was on a date with someone -- we were eating in a shopping mall food court -- and Andy Dick showed up and started bothering us. The fact that he tried to horn in on my imaginary date almost cancels out the bonus points he got for doing that "NewsRadio" episode where he turned 30 and thus suddenly decided to be a punk rocker and told everyone else they were a WANKA!!! By now he's probably a skinhead, or worse, a wanka. I want the shirt he had in that episode. I mean one that looks like the one he was wearing, not the actual one he was wearing. Ew. It's probably got Vicks Vap-O-Rub all over it. In the dream, I asked my date to excuse us for a moment and I took Andy Dick aside so I could explain to him that he was being a pest and maybe if he left us alone I'd make time for him tomorrow but that he probably wouldn't be able to handle it. Fortunately I woke up before finding out what he can handle. I don't think he's ready to play with other fake punk nerds. Plus he's not my type. -- K. And what's the deal with Joe Rogan's diamond earring? Even he can't make that look not gay. My favorite moments during the commentary tracks on the "NewsRadio" DVDs are where Joe Rogan explains that anyone who likes "Fear Factor" is an idiot, and where he talks about the fun he had trolling alt.tv.newsradio, and yes, Joe Rogan gets huge bonus points for using the world "trolling" in its old-school sense. Joe Rogan is a non-wanka. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Deep question Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Tue, 03 Jan 2006 23:37:07 -0500 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > [...] FLIBBETY-FLORP! Deluxe New Kontext-Away With Reciprocating Inaction swoops in and whittles "tj"'s article down to the best part -- the creamy center! > BUT LOOK boanhead.......s... SHAZAM-A-LAMA-DING-DONG! Kontext-Away folds itself up into a tiny packet and deposits itself in the nearest imaginary mailbox to await its next urgent deployment when someone makes up a new catchphrase that awesome! So, Lowercase TJ, what's the extra "s" for? And will nobody notice you've removed it from its proper place because you're very pecial? -- K. I make up hundreds of words every day but not one is as spaztastic as "boanhead". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ZETA!!! Date: Wed, 04 Jan 2006 01:21:51 -0500 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > [...] > > You reckon you've got a problem -- you're in winter. We are in > summer, in temperatures of 44 degrees Calvin Klein That's hot in Metric, but fortunately you're in Australia, where nobody is ever more than five feet from a beach. Here it's fluctuating around 32 Fahrenheit, which, for those of you in countries that don't have water, is the temperature water sort of freezes at. It's a very mild winter here. There's been only one bad storm so far, and it was just rain, not snow, and its only effect was that Channel 7's meteorologist was fired without explanation the moment it ended. I haven't been so disappointed in the weather since I was in Ottawa and the wind chill stubbornly stayed a degree above the magical -40 point where Fahrenheit becomes Celsius and right becomes wrong. It's hard to get those thrills at home, especially because bottled Freon is so expensive -- it takes too many cans to fill a whole room. Plus it kills you, unlike Canadian weather which just makes hockey fights better. -- K. We need more thunderstorms. And hail. Hot hail. And an attack by Hawkmen. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ...like a cross between Ichi the Killer and Fight Club Date: Wed, 04 Jan 2006 17:24:48 -0500 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] "American Psycho" [...] > > According to your interpretation of the film, > Did anybody get killed in American Psycho? The careers of Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, and George Clooney? I don't remember very much about "American Psycho", except that Christian Bale had just the right facial expression for the sort of psychopath who would like Robert Palmer. I'm so glad I don't like music. That's what proves I'm sane. -- K. Unless it's possible to be a sane psychopath, in which case I'm in big trouble. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese Pens Date: Wed, 04 Jan 2006 17:48:28 -0500 In sci.physics, larrypong@gmail.com spamvertised: > > Hi All, > > For those of you who enjoy Japanese pens of the inexpensive variety, [...] Ladies and gentlemen, we have the second catchphrase of the week. And now, to combine it with the other one: "Now look boanhead who enjoys Japanese pens of the inexpensive variety..." We must promise on a stack of all-catchphrase Bibles to use the might of that combined catchphrase in conversation all day, every day, until the general public starts saying it so that we can then stop and make fun of them for succumbing to peer pressure to do something stupid. > We carry a number of cheap Japanese pens, including the highly sought > Pilot Hi-Tec-C pen, a fine-tipped gel ink pen that doesn't bleed for a > smudge over $3. Next new catchphrase: "I'll make you bleed for a smudge!" Man, I'm like if Garry Marshall had the infinite wisdom of the Internet to steal from. So which "Happy Days" character would get assigned to say "I'll make you bleed for a smudge!" once a week? Fonzie? Chachi? Spike? Flip? Bingo? Urkel? Jesus? -- K. The all-catchphrase Bible is the same as "Hamlet" if you just replace famous quotations with stuff like "Sit on it!" What makes it a Bible and not just a string of random catchphrases is that you go to Hell if you don't follow its teachings, especially the part about sitting on it. SIT ON THE ALMIGHTY IT!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nikola Tesla about Relativity Date: Wed, 04 Jan 2006 17:58:53 -0500 Over in sci.physics.relativity, "my sorry ass" (jfj3435r@doctor.com) wrote: > > [...] > > you did one sentence havin 10 mistakes, wheat a gaaaaay I call third new catchphrase of the week on "wheat a gaaaaay". Man, it's great that so many idiots got computers at Christmas. Used to be we all looked forward to Labor Day to get our year's supply of idiots. Now it's New Year's. Hooray! The model year 2006 idiots are in stock! This year it's not just a bumper crop of idiots, it's a bumper-sticker crop. Wheat a gaaaaaay? Well, farina a neuuuuter, and barrrrrrley a lez! -- K. I heard Nikola Tesla was into Maypo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: test Date: Thu, 05 Jan 2006 23:04:47 -0500 "fj" (frank.z.jiang@gmail.com) wrote: > > just a test. I wrote a long post and it disapeared. The second time I > tried it, have to type a lot, and it was OK. This is why you should always Xerox your article before posting it. Not only will that protect you from losing it, but you're required by law to save copies of all your articles for seven years in case the government decides to audit you. Did you remember to file your form R-0T13? Remember that you can deduct the depreciation allowance for the wear and tear on your Caps Lock key if you should a lot. "But no one can catch Bob Hope..." -- Karen Marinella, channel 56 news on my TV right now Excuse me, I was distracted for a second by news of Bob Hope's rampage. Slow news night -- the lead story was about an exploding hockey ball. Some kids found a tennis ball wrapped in blue duct tape and tried to play street hockey with it and it went boom because it had been stuffed with match heads. Abominable? No, a bomb in a ball, no bull! Perhaps your previous article disappeared because it got blown up by an exploding tennis ball. You should switch to using those exploding golf balls from Johnson Smith. And while you're ordering from them, ask for their new exploding invisible dog doo. It's three hilarities in one! It's the world's funniest joke, because it's got three punchlines at the same time! -- K. Can Superman see through invisible lead? What if he's wearing X-Ray Specs with a Groucho mustache attached? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.math,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sprint's Phone Card Accounts are probably illegal Re: has Sprint-Nextel broken two laws on me; or has Qwest broken one law; or neither? Date: Fri, 06 Jan 2006 00:37:13 -0500 In misc.legal, soc.history, and sci.math, Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Today I was bothered and harrassed with another Sprint telemarketing on > my telephone. So I called them up to find out why they were bothering > me since my name and number is on a National Directory of DO NOT CALL. Um, the National Do Not Call Registry doesn't register names. Only numbers. Also, even if they did take names, you might have to provide a more plausible one than "Archimedes Plutonium" to keep their computer from snickering. > And what I end up finding is truly amazing to me. > > Now I post this to sci. math because I feel that within the area code > numbers and the rest of the digits that every person in the USA can > have more than 3 accounts and all have unique numbers. > > My number with area code would translate into a maximum number of 9, > 999, 999, 999 So there are trillions of numbers GENIUS!!! All hail the man who has single-handedly redefined the concept of a trillion! > and yet the USA population is 300 million. So one would think that > Sprint could give each person a unique number. > > So one would think that by LAW, phone companies would be giving out > numbers that are unique so that two different people do not have the > very same phone number. What if they're married? > [...] > > So has Sprint broken the law by calling me with their telemarketing > baloney, and has Sprint broken the law twice by giving out my personal > number to a another person. Then a few hours later, Archimedes Plutonium wrote: > > Well I was not clear as to the facts of the case. Let me be clear about > them. In year 2000 I payed for a subscription for a home phone number > here in Vermillion South Dakota with Qwest and they gave me the number > [ARCHIE'S PHONE NUMBER ELIDED]. Way to keep your number a secret, Dr. Brainiac Q. Einsteinonium. You do realize that you just told the entire Internet your phone number, right? I was kind enough to bleep it out when I quoted you above, because I'm a nice person and obviously I'm better at keeping your secrets than you are. In the future, if you don't want anyone to know your phone number, you probably shouldn't go out of your way to tell it to everyone. By the way, Google and MapQuest claim your phone number's not in Vermillion. They insist you're in Meckling, halfway between Vermillion and Gayville, unless your phone has a really long extension cord that stretches all the way to Vermillion. You need to tell the phone company they installed your phone in the wrong place. Hey, since you're five minutes from Gayville, can you tell Andy Dick I said hello? I dare you to get their pride parade to chant a Plutonium hymn. I double-dog dare you. > [...] > > In fact, is this Mr. So&So with a Phone CArd Account with Sprint that > is identical to my home phone a CIA agent and spying on everything that > happens over my home phone. > > So that the CIA when they want to spy on a USA citizen simply calls up > Sprint and says, give me a Phone CArd Account with the number > [ARCHIE'S PHONE NUMBER ELIDED AGAIN] and Sprint happy to get another > customer paying monthly gives the person the number which matches > an existing phone number. But that scenario does not make sense with > the fact of Credit Collectors wanting their money, unless this CIA > eavesdropper is sometimes derelict in paying the monthly bills. Um, Arch, even if you had anything the CIA wanted (are you hiding Bin Laden under the mosquito net on your bed?) I don't think that the CIA buying a phone card would let them steal your brainwaves, or however you think this is supposed to work. Maybe to keep the CIA off your back you should do like you did with your phone number and tell the Internet everything you don't want the CIA to know. It's legal as long as you put "Dear CIA, I do not give you permission to read the following list of secrets" at the top of your list of secrets, fantasies, and perversions. As a bonus, that method also keeps tigers away! -- K. It works perfectly on tigers, but not mosquitoes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Cars (was: Archie thinks his phone number has cooties) Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 07:14:38 -0500 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > [...] Everyone wants a car. Even those hippies who ride > bikes everywhere secretly are jealous that they can't afford a large > American car that says "Look at moi. Look at moi!". Tim, you might not want to yell "I BET YOU GUYS CRY YOURSELVES TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT OVER YOUR LACK OF CARS!" too loudly as you walk past a Hell's Angels hangout, especially if you do that Miss Piggy voice all the time. Also, Kermit says you're fat. He's replacing you with a much lower-maintenance Muppet, like the Count's bats that are just single shreds of felt dangling limply from prominent wooden sticks. They hardly eat anything when people aren't shaking them up and down to make them look slightly less inanimate. Now hurry up and help Gonzo find where his favorite chicken went. You should be able to find where she's hiding if you just follow the trail of blood. -- K. Cookie Monster eats letters and the Count counts numbers. What would happen if Cookie ate a number? Would the show go off the air forever? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Important research into the driving skills of monkeys. Date: Fri, 06 Jan 2006 03:30:56 -0500 A link I saw on Fark.com, your source for bogus science news, which is to say, links to the science section of any mainstream newspaper. [www.azstarnet.com] -> -> Male monkeys prefer toy cars, females like dolls -> -> Knight Ridder Newspapers And male humans with brains the size of monkeys like "Knight Rider". -> WASHINGTON -- Just like human boys and girls, male monkeys like to -> play with toy cars while female monkeys prefer dolls, a research -> project has shown. -> -> [...] -> -> In the monkey experiment, researchers put a variety of toys in -> front of 44 male and 44 female vervets, a breed of small African -> monkeys, and measured the amount of time they spent with each -> object. -> -> Like little boys, some male monkeys moved a toy car along the -> ground. Like little girls, female monkeys closely inspected a -> doll's bottom. Males also played with balls while females fancied -> cooking pots. Both were equally interested in neutral objects such -> as a picture book and a stuffed dog. I call super-hyper-mega bullshit on this. Monkeys don't even know what a car is, let alone know how to pretend they're applying for a tiny driver's license. Same goes for pots and dollies with underpanties. If there are any actual gender-specific biases in monkeys, they'd express themselves as preferences concerning things monkeys could understand, such as different colors or odors. Assuming the reported research results aren't just made-up, the boy monkeys preferring Hot Wheels and the girl monkeys preferring dollies is just be coincidence based on factors unrelated to whether humans consider these toys to be macho or sissy stereotypes. I mean, they eat their own shit. They're not capable of looking at a human artifact and asking the question, "Would this consumer product be more appropriate to advertise in 'Playboy' or 'Playgirl' magazine? And why doesn't Hugh Hefner also publish a third one just for monkeys with a fetish for toy cars?" -> People used to think that boys and girls played differently -> because of the way they were brought up. But then G.I. Joe dolls and "Star Wars" dolls were introduced and nobody bought any of them because boys are genetically incapable of playing with dolls. -> Now scientists such as Alexander say a creature's genetic -> inheritance also plays an important role. This is ignoring the effects of the critter's non-genetic inheritance! Suppose the monkey was left a million dollars by his rich monkey's uncle! Maybe then the monkey would only play with toy Lamborghini Diablos and jewel-encrusted Hello Kitty dolls with diamonds where their mouths aren't. -> "Vervet monkeys, like human beings, show sex differences in toy -> preferences," Alexander wrote in the journal Evolution and Human -> Behavior. "Sex-related object preference appeared early in human -> evolution," she said. I'd like to see the questionnaire she made all those cavemen fill out. I don't know how her research study ever got funding -- the people in charge of the money should have known better to give any to her, because everyone knows women aren't good at science. Women who try to do science will look into their microscope and then immediately get distracted by their innate biological need to puchase Duncan Hines cake mixes. Men are better at science because the knobs on microscopes are similar to the knobs on car dashboards and only men know how to drive. -> Alexander speculated that females of both species prefer dolls -> because evolution programmed them to care for infants. Males may -> have evolved toy preferences that involve throwing and moving, -> skills useful for hunting and finding a mate. Well, see, toy cars were important to cavemen because they needed to learn to turn all those dinosaurs into gasoline and... oh, hell with it, this is just too stupid to play along with. I'm going to go play along with something less stupid, like Atari 2600 Video Pinball. -- K. Dear science people who think boys always like doing boy stuff and girls always like doing girl stuff, I am doing you the favor of subscribing you to a magazine full of phone numbers of transgendered people you can talk to. Also, I refer you to the dictionary to look up "tomboy". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Delayed review:Rose Bowl (WasRe: Instant Review: Crackerjacks and Longhorn band outfits Date: Fri, 06 Jan 2006 16:40:38 -0500 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > > > "Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote: > > > > > > Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > Longhorn band outfits: > > > > > > > > Extremely Gay. > > > > > > Amen. Looks like marching carrots. > > > Texas Bite! > > > > Yeah, well, the Longhorns kicked ass and took prisoners. > > Football is just a sideshow for me, but those fags won > > one of the best games I've had the honor of watching while > > playing poker. > > The BAND does not play the game. Except in Berkeley (my alma mater). > > And fags play football as well as anyone else. Uh oh, apparently my sexual orientation is incorrect because I can't play football as well as anyone else. > Those dopey cowboy suits with fringe were really Village People. There is great dissent among butch dudes in the gay community over whether biker leathers with the fringe are cool. Fringed chaps, jackets, gloves, etc. are more popular among actual filthy hog-jockeys than among leathermen. (Not that there isn't a lot of overlap between the two communities!) I like the fringe, but I don't own any because if I started buying fringe I'd have to double my wardrobe to make sure I wasn't mixing fringed and non-fringed items. I keep thinking that if they made leather clothing with a little column of snaps running down each sleeve and leg, you could have a strip of fringe that you could attach when you wanted your tassels blowing in the wind on your Harley, and then a solid blue leather stripe you could attach instead when you wanted to look like a motorcycle cop. It'd be an outfit that would let you change from one Village Person to another as easily as if you were a Lego person. Except that Lego never made any Village People, they're from Playmobil. (Playmobil's best black leather biker has a few details which are slightly off, but they did get my beard just right.) I think in the Village People, fringey stuff was the Indian's domain. And sports teams can't have their cheerleaders dress like sexy Indians any more because then they get complains that they're exploiting the sexiness of indigenous people who don't get any royalties for inventing the loincloth. All those Europeans wasted all that time inventing trousers when the Indians had figured out that all you needed was a little rectangle of suede from the Tandy store with a bunch of fringe cut in the edge to make it tickle. > And Orange - the least favorite color. I heard that the state of Florida is trying to invent blue oranges just to get you to eat more of them, the same way that they try to trick people into buying prunes by calling them "dried plums". The only picture I could find (during a quick Web search) showing the Longhorns band uniforms is from 2001. If they haven't restyled since then, they've got burnt orange blazers with white fringed shoulders, black string ties, and white cowboy hats that don't fit right. Looks like something the Brady Six would wear during a very special episode where Robert Reed, in his capacity as a globe-trotting architect, gets to sing and dance at a football game. And Florence Henderson becomes the first female quarterback because Cousin Oliver accidentally killed the real quarterback. But then the football hits Marcia in the nose and the second half of the episode is just devoted to showing the moment where the football hits her face over, and over, and over, and over... Anyway, are there any marching band uniforms that don't look silly? I mean, the most respect you can earn wearing a typical marching band uniform is "Wow, you look just like the doorman at FAO Schwarz!" > I thought USC was out coached and outplayed. > > [...] > > After 1.5 weeks of bowl games I was tachyphlactic, but if I hadnt been, > I would still be raving about that game. <<--not a rave, just an > analysis. I hate it when you people use words I don't know. This is the second time that's happened since 1987! And shame on you for disguising its spelling to keep me from looking it up at Merriam-Webster.com which also doesn't even have a definition of it except in the expensive unabridged dictionary normally reserved for crushing spiders! Well, eventually -- thanks to Google telling me how to spell it -- I was able to find a medical site which scraped the definition out of Merriam-Webster's Unabridged. Tachyphylaxis is: -> diminished response to later increments in a sequence -> of applications of a physiologically active substance -> (as the diminished pressor response that follows repeated -> injections of renin). And then I had to look up "renin", to see if they were really talking about rennin, which, if injected into a person, would turn them into cheese. But it turns out that renin is a different enzyme from rennin: -> a proteolytic enzyme of the kidney that plays a major -> role in the release of angiotensin Augh! Now I gotta look up "proteolytic" just to find out who won the stupid football game. This is why Dennis Miller got fired. When talking sports, please restrict yourself to words of one syllable or less! It would be best if all sentences about sports used only the nouns "puck", "stick", "ice", "net", "slap shot", "hat trick", "blood", and "fight strap". > Here;s a Rant - the Tomahowk war chant or whatever the hell it is they > play at Florida State HAS GOT TO GO!!!!!! BLAM BLAM BLAM!!! Now how the heck am I supposed to look that up in my Funk'n Wagnalls to find out what that sounds like? I know the Atlanta Braves have the Jane Fonda-approved Tomahawk chop, and my hair doesn't have any sort of 'hawk chop, but I have no idea what you're referring to when you talk about chants played by obscure junior college pee-wee league non-hockey teams. I know about throwing the dead octopuses onto the ice but you'll need to describe this war chant you don't like if you want me to be able to make up some reasons why I disagree with you. -- K. Dangol'Longhornsbanduniforms mumblemumbleridinglawnmower mumbletiger-stripedSpeedomumble mumblethrowmeanotherbeerHank. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Delayed review:Rose Bowl (WasRe: Instant Review: Crackerjacks and Longhorn band outfits Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 18:23:54 -0500 Tim Serpas (wretch@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The only picture I could find (during a quick Web search) showing > > the Longhorns band uniforms is from 2001. If they haven't restyled > > since then, they've got burnt orange blazers with white fringed > > shoulders, black string ties, and white cowboy hats that don't fit right. > > [from a www.dailytexanonline.com article] > -> > -> The basic idea of the uniform has stayed the same, but a few small > -> changes have been made in order to make the students look taller and > -> more distinguished on the field, such as making the jackets shorter. See, this is why I love you people. You're a lot better at this than the people who do Archimedes Plutonium's research. They can't even deign to look up atomic weights on the Periodic Table for him when he demands that they do so because the King Of Science is too busy with science to learn how to find the Periodic Table in the back of the dictionary. Basically, now the jackets are cut off abruptly at the waist so that everyone looks like they have their jackets tucked into their pants. Also, the orange color seems to be a lot brighter, but that could just be because this is the first time in ten years they've had clean uniforms: -> "It's great to be the first to wear them," said Chisholm, a -> kinesiology senior. "The 'white' overlay on the 10-year-old -> uniforms was looking more and more yellow and gross. It's really -> neat that we get to be the first ones to wear these and show -> a new style to incoming Longhorns." These must be like the Disneyland costumes, where they get passed on from person to person so that everyone who works at Disneyland gets the same scabies. -> "The fitted jackets also add a lot of height to the band," -> said Kim Shuttlesworth, who doesn't wear the new uniform, -> but an individually designed one as the band's only female -> drum major this year. -> -> Shuttlesworth, a music studies senior, was able to design -> her own uniform this year that "follows the same idea of -> previous drum majors, but with more femininity." There's nothing more feminine than a band uniform, except perhaps a cheerleader uniform. Our nation's feminists have done a great service by making cheerleaders dress that way. -> Shuttlesworth added fringe and a Bevo emblem to her uniform, -> which allude to the idea that the band is becoming just as -> fashion-oriented as it is music-oriented. Bevo? I have no idea what that is... oh, wait, dim childhood memory... Bevo was that remote-controlled Radio Shack toy car with an old wig over it, chasing Robin Williams around as he tiredly says "Shazbot!" in the third season. I think the band should just switch to red jumpsuits with a big silver triangle on the front. Then the band could be as spaz- oriented as it is fashion-oriented. The mascot could be whatever you get when you give Robin Williams some special nose candy. At least until he gets sued by whichever other mascot he steals his entire act from. -> Over the years, the Longhorn Band uniforms have undergone -> many makeovers, but have kept the style that reflects the -> Texas cowboy tradition. In 1900, the first uniform, a white -> linen duster and a white cap with a black bill, was adopted -> as the Longhorn uniform, only to be updated again in 1928 to -> include a sweater, bow tie and fez. Those Texas cowboys with their sweaters and fezzes, herding cattle while riding their tiny cars! Seriously... cowboys had fezzes? What's next, ninjas in bowler derbies? Hey, that's actually a good idea. It would be like if Oddjob had his choice of killing people with his hat or many less ridiculous ninja powers. -> Later an element known as "super fringe," longer white fringe, -> was added to the ensemble. At one point band members also dotted -> a large Bevo design on the back of the uniforms, rather than -> the current embroidered "TEXAS." White pants were a fashion -> statement ultimately retired by the band directors, because the -> pants got dirty too easily. Okay, fine, you goaded me into it, I'll look up "Bevo". [www.mackbrown-texasfootball.com] => => At halftime, two West Texas cowboys dragged a => half-starved and frightened longhorn steer onto the => field, where it was formally presented to the UT student => body by a group of Texas Exes. => => [...] => => Why did Ben Dyer dub the longhorn Bevo, instead of => another name? The most popular theory has been that it => was borrowed from the label of a new soft drink. "Bevo" => was the name of a non-alcoholic "near beer" produced by => the Anheuser-Busch brewery in Saint Louis. Introduced in => 1916 as the national debate over Prohibition threatened => the company's welfare, the drink was extremely popular => through the 1920s. Over 50 million cases were sold => annually in fifty countries. Anheuser-Busch named the new => drink "Bevo" as a play on the term "pivo," the Bohemian => word for beer. It was the first beer that could skip over commercials, but people hated the way instead of making drunks hiccup it made them go "baBOOP baBOOP! DING!" Then they'd stagger around in a room filled with hundreds of colored gumballs, and insist that everyone watch "Sesame Street". (New TiVos don't have the gumball animation -- they now have an even stranger one where the scary vowel-faced TiVo critter re-enacts the entire history of television, such as the era when everyone owned a Philco Predicta. I wish they'd bring back all the other original interstitial animations so that I could hate them all too.) -> Besides the recent change in jacket style, the pants, hats -> and bow ties on the uniform have also experienced a makeover -- -> and one that has not evoked protest from students. The hats -> are more Western and not as flat as in previous years, while -> the "Colonel Sanders bow tie" has been replaced by a customized -> $50 Longhorn bolo tie. The "Aztec" stripe on the side of the -> pants has been made thinner to enhance image presented to the -> distant crowd. After all, appearances are necessary to keep -> up when the eyes of Texas are upon you. I think the new uniforms look even more like something that should be followed by the words "I'm here to deliver your Strippergram." Real cowboys don't wear form-fitting orange jackets with big fluffy pom-poms growing out of the shoulder pads. Also, I still say all sports halftime shows should just be the public execution of anyone who plays a sport other than hockey. Plus the game should end promptly when the atomic Air-Wick explodes. -- K. Real cowboys don't play Sousaphones, but I'd let them have Seussaphones. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Delayed review:Rose Bowl (WasRe: Instant Review: Crackerjacks and Longhorn band outfits Date: Fri, 06 Jan 2006 21:04:46 -0500 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > > > And fags play football as well as anyone else. > > > > Uh oh, apparently my sexual orientation is incorrect because I can't > > play football as well as anyone else. > > You'd make a wonderful referee though. "Unsportsman like conduct by > number 54's chaps. Fifteen yards from the spot -- poor spot! -- of > the ball, plus loss of pants." I don't think football players wear chaps, unless they're under all that other gear, which would be pretty strange. As far as me being a referee goes, when I wear vertical stripes I am eight feet tall and two inches wide. The same proportions as if Willy Wonka pushed "tj Frazir" into a taffy machine as punishment for doing "The Bump" incorrectly. > > Fringed chaps, jackets, gloves, etc. are more popular among > > actual filthy hog-jockeys than among leathermen. (Not that > > there isn't a lot of overlap between the two communities!) > > Great. One of the few bars I hang out at is Charlie's, a biker bar. > They don't seem gay though. They are mostly middle aged guys dating > big-haired redneck women busting out of their jeans. They dance to > stuff like the original Mony Mony. It's also a sports bar that serves > a decent reuben. At a biker/sports bar, there's generally an invisible "THIS IS A HETERO HANGOUT" neon sign above the door. The other type of bar would have an invisible "NO GIRLS ALLOWED" sign above the door. As I've said before, I really don't understand the leathermen who get upset when a chick wants to hang out in the bar with the big boys. It's hard to come across as a tough-yet-sensitive guy when you're all, "Eww! A girl! Hide me!" And how do they expect the world to tolerate their obscure alternative lifestyle if they themselves can't even handle a mixed-gender room? (Fortunately, most leather guys are capable of carrying on a normal human conversation with a female girl of the opposing gender.) Other differences between your biker bar and the other leading type of bar: * Murals of badly-drawn, out-of-proportion men: Leather bar. Murals of badly-drawn, out-of-proportion women: Biker bar. * Row of Harleys out front are mostly black: Biker bar. Row of Harleys out front are all black: Leather bar. * Everyone ignoring "Queer Eye" on the TV: Leather bar. TV doesn't get "Queer Eye", period: Biker bar. NOTE: If TV is showing "American Chopper", check back an hour later. * Leather vest over jean jacket: Biker bar. Leather vest over skin: Leather bar. * Vest has patches with cryptic symbols like "13", "DILLIGAF": Biker bar. Vest has patches with cryptic symbols you can't identify, but they all have lots of dark blue: Leather bar. * St. Pauli girl: Biker bar. St. Andrew's cross: Leather bar. * Floor is covered with sticky layer of beer: Biker bar. Pitch-black back room smells like someone spilled highly volatile poisonous solvent: Leather bar. * Bartenders are really handsome: Leather bar. Bartenders look like bartenders in a biker bar: Biker bar. * Red paisley hankie worn as do-rag: Biker bar. Red paisley hankie in back left pocket: RUN!!!! Should you still be confused by the difference between the two communities, I suggest you bring a notepad to the bar so you can spend the evening keeping a record of how many times you see men kissing each other hello. It's slightly higher for one type of bar than the other. Other clues may be gleaned from waiting in a restroom stall for a while to see whether, every five minutes, any of the bouncers counts how many people are in each of them. If all else fails, ask the guy running the pride shop in the back to help disambiguate your stereotypes. I forget which hankie you're supposed to put where to indicate you need your stereotypes disambiguated, but I'm sure you can figure that out by trial and error. > > I heard that the state of Florida is trying to invent blue oranges > > just to get you to eat more of them, the same way that they try > > to trick people into buying prunes by calling them "dried plums". > > They...WHAT?! Also don't forget that Ocean Spray, in an effort to trick people into eating cranberries (one of those garbage berries they just can't get rid of) got sued by the Raisin Council when they started selling dried cranberries as "Craisins". Sadly, Ocean Spray must have won because Craisins are still on the market. -- K. Tell Charlie I said hi. Does he still have the shaved head and walrus mustache? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Delayed review:Rose Bowl (WasRe: Instant Review: Crackerjacks and Longhorn band outfits Date: Sun, 08 Jan 2006 08:10:17 -0500 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > An etiquette point for hetero girls visiting a leather or other bar is > to pee before you get there and expect to wait in line if you need the > bathroom at the bar. Which is OK, we are used to having to wait in line > to pee due to Inherent Sexism of Architects. Also, take your sister or > another girl or even a boy to sit with so people wont think you are just > there to gawk. Even if you are. Hmm, the club I go to does have a women's restroom. They usually keep it locked, though. Also, there's only the one (I think, I haven't done an exhaustive search) but there's a second men's room so the guys have a choice of using the filthy restroom or the one that's adjacent to the pool room where EWW KARAOKE. > One of our gay bars actually has "Straight friendly" on its marquee, > which kind of takes the fun out of it. Also, what if a meanie straight > person comes in? After the first thirty minutes, they'll only be one or the other. Sixty minutes to full conversion. More if they make the mistake of looking at the filthy restroom. Wait, your gay bars have exterior signage? Weird. I thought gay bars were supposed to cater to illiterates who had to learn to recognize them by their blacked-out windows. > I like Craisins, so you can blame it on me. Walgreen's sells a nice dried berry mix which has too many dried cranberries and not enough of the delicious cherries that once hospitalized me. Most dried cherries suck (the ones they used to sell at the Prudential Star always tasted like cigarette smoke or something) but the Walgreen's ones are loaded with enough sugar and artificial flavor to make them taste the way cherries should: exactly like Pez. -- K. Even Pez don't taste exactly like Pez, unless you get the ones from Austria. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Delayed review:Rose Bowl (WasRe: Instant Review: Crackerjacks and Longhorn band outfits Date: Fri, 06 Jan 2006 17:32:39 -0500 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > Tachyphlaxis also refers to the phenomenon of using up all the hormone > you have and being therefore physiologically unable to respond with the > usual strength to a stimulus. FOr example, there were so many exciting > football games that I cared about over the past 1.5 weeks that by the > time the Rose Bowl rolled around, which is what I was REALLY looking > forward to, i was just bleah. That's why you should switch to being a man. We never run out of testosterone. Especially those of us who have too much body hair to be on the writing staff of "CSI". Either that or get a TiVo. Pick one, SeX cHaNge or TiVo. -- K. Do your patients ever expect you to laugh at that old joke about the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Delayed review:Rose Bowl (WasRe: Instant Review: Crackerjacks and Longhorn band outfits Date: Sun, 08 Jan 2006 08:32:56 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > And fags play football as well as anyone else. > > And get to celebrate sooner afterwards. Yeah, but you can't spell "celebrate" without "celibate". "Celibate" is the new "sexual acrobat". Remember, in the future, all bald women will have to take Shatner's Oath Of Celibacy. I think he doesn't want there to be any children born without naturally curly hair like his. I find it interesting that when they edited out all the dialogue implying that Ilia was some sort of alien sexual predator they left in her line about her "Oath Of Celibacy" just to make all the Trekkies wonder what the hell Gene Roddenberry was smoking that year. I mean, they cut the film's funniest line -- "that makes me as safe as any human female!" Maybe they deleted those shots of Sulu drooling lecherously over Baldie because test screenings led to audiences asking, "Why doesn't she just tell him she only dates straight guys?" Hey, remember the episode where Ilia got it on with Troi because the ship sailed into one of those space clouds of aphrodisiac radiation? I think that was the same one where Riker soiled the holodeck. After that, no matter what century they were simulating, there was always that stain floating in mid-air. You people make me sick, thinking your filthy thoughts about a wholesome children's show like "Star Trek". > > Those dopey cowboy suits with fringe were really Village People. And > > Orange - the least favorite color. > > HEY HEY HEY don't remind me about teh Vols thanxokmuahahabye. > > Kontext-Away starts waving its flag frantically! I don't get it. I think you got your flag dancing in her flag football, with orange- colored topping in the middle -- EWW, THAT'S NOT A REESE'S! Hmm, I think I just wrote a "Zingers From The Hollywood Squares" track from the Other Universe, the ones where the zingers don't zing. "Paul Lynde... According to legend, what does an elephant sneeze bring?" "I DON'T KNOW!" -- K. I was tempted to end this by dumping green slime on him, but green slime is so expensive these days, especially at Trader Joe's. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Disturbing commercial #20060106a. Date: Fri, 06 Jan 2006 21:27:52 -0500 Dear Olive Garden, your restaurant is too creepy to eat at. Seen on my TV today: At Olive Garden, woman bumps into a female friend. "I'm looking for my date. He's kind of short... really cute... probably has his shoes untied." Little boy yells "MOM!!!" from across the room. EWW. EWW EWW EWW EWW! The last shot is her sitting with the little boy and a guy (presumably her husband -- I hope), and she says "I love date night!" So what did she tell her husband before they came here? "Let's go to Olive Garden so I can pretend I'm on a date with Little Billy while ignoring you!"? "I can't wait to see Jane's face when I go out of my way to make her think I'm going to French my baby!"? Also she's got a fetish for untied shoes. I really don't understand how they could have put so much effort into producing a commercial where the message is "If you enjoy trying to convince your friends that you're an incestuous pedophile, eat at Olive Garden!" -- K. From the FAQ on Olive Garden's Web site: -> Does Olive Garden have a frequent diner program? -> -> Olive Garden tested a frequent diner program -> several years ago. Guest interest and -> participation was lower than expected and -> we discontinued the program. I guess not a lot of people wanted to carry the wallet card that showed the number of times they dated their toddler at Olive Garden. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The world's most urgent rumor! Date: Fri, 06 Jan 2006 22:18:20 -0500 I heard the reason Intel never released the processor that was one more than the Pentium -- the Hexium -- is that there was a flaw that would cause it to explode on 06/06/06. Also, if you use Microsoft Word to insert the current date into your memos on 06/06/06 while your font is set to Wingdings, it will come out as a flaming one-eyed skull, a snake with nine tails, and a picture of Hitler giving birth to Bob Hope because that font has haunted sixes. Oh, and don't try to program your VCR on 06/06/06 because that will make it only record evil versions to TV programs. For instance, instead of "The Price Is Right", you'll get "The Price Is Right And So Is Anton LaVey". A cure for this "Six Six Six Bug" ("3X6B" for short) is currently being sought by a consortium of our nation's scientists and wizards. I urge you to forward this important rumor to everyone you know, but please take my name off it so I won't get blamed when it comes true. -- Sincerely, Ronald McDonald ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: For Darla - Vegas Wedding Photo Date: Sat, 07 Jan 2006 00:27:11 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > [...a light application of Pocket-Size Kontext-Away Junior...] > > So, you admit it -- you FORGOT that I am a JERK. Let that be a lesson > to you. Real jerks are never forgotten. I mean, everyone still knows the juicy gossip "Nero fiddled while Rome burned" 2000 years after someone made it up. He was just that big a bastard. Also he invented the fiddle a few centuries early just to ruin the history of music. That's how much of a bastard he was, he decided to wreck history in advance unlike those of us who merely make up lies about dead people. Remember when Bob Hope ran over all those people with his golf cart in Pizza Hut? He was wearing his new panties. On his head. While kissing a duck on the lips. And that duck grew up to become... Abraham Lincoln! Believe it... or not! The most recent version of the "Believe It Or Not!" TV series, with Dean Cain, never seemed intense enough. The old one with Jack Palance was closer to the way the material should have been presented, because Jack Palance always manages to communicate that even his dark, sinister side has another even darker, more sinister side. But still, the best host for "Believe It Or Not!" would be some hoodlum holding a gun to the TV camera's lens while he tells you about the world's largest zit. Not all TV shows should be that menacing, but "Believe It Or Not!" needs to find a way to score at least two Palances on the Menace-O-Meter. I think I'm at 0.9. Joe Rogan is at 0.8, Nero never got past 0.6, and Bob Hope is off the scale in his armored golf cart of death. By the way, on a completely unrelated note which is why I'm bringing it up right now, I still don't plan to go see "Brokeback Mountain" because I figure it'll be completely predictable -- halfway through, the two gay cowboys will get in a big fight because one of them is using a jar of salsa from New York City. Plus, salsa tastes terrible on pudding. Not that I've tried it, but I know my imagination is perfectly accurate, which is why when I say I imagine that Bob Hope could be killing people with his golf cart right now you'd better lock yourself in your panic room if you know what's sensible. -- K. Little-known fact of American history: Samuel Gompers was the first Ronald McDonald to get pregnant while on the Moon, unless you count Bob Hope. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Zatoichi Alert Date: Sun, 08 Jan 2006 08:46:46 -0500 Mark Fergerson (nunya@biz.ness) wrote: > > The Independent Film Channel has apparently run out of other stuff to > show on Samurai Saturday, because they're running the Shintaro Katsu > "Blind Swordsman" series starting with _The Life and Opinion of > Zatoichi_ agaaaaaain this coming Saturday. > > For those who wonder what the Leader (and a few of us ARKians) see in > this arcane furrin' black-and-white stuff, set your DVRs now... Never seen it. I went right to the version of "Zatoichi" which combined the guy from "Ichi The Killer" with the guy from "Most Extreme Elimination" and loads of tap-dancing. 'Cause I know that nothing else could be as good as a tap-dance-tacular re-interpretation of whatever the original was. Science says that newer is always better. However, it didn't have as much shit-dipper-flinging as Takeshi's previous "Zatoichi" movie, "Getting Any?" But that wasn't a serious film like the tap-dancing one. You'll understand what I mean if you understand the plot of "Suicide Club", because if you can figure out "Suicide Club" you probably understand everything else too. Even by the standards of J-horror, that movie's wacked. Maybe they should combine the two and have Zatoichi fight Genesis over which of them has the best bleach job. They could have a big swordfight inside a sack in a bowling alley in feudal Japan. Then all the little red dots on the Web site would start tap-dancing. -- K. Remember the one where Shintaro Katsu got his head split open when John Belushi got carried away? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My computer ate my wallpaper Date: Sun, 08 Jan 2006 08:58:11 -0500 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > No matter what I do, my computer insists on a solid green color for my > desktop wallpaper. I've clicked and clacked through the help files and > I've right clicked imagery onto 'set as new wallpaper'. That's because you're using an Atari ST. You should consider upgrading to a computer that doesn't default to a solid nuclear green, like a Vectrex. > And when I shut down my computer, I see a very nice, non-solid green > wallpaper image just for a brief moment. That's called "The Green Flash" and it happens only at sunset if you're on a ship crossing the equator during the most special moment possible for that to happen. There was an article in Scientific American about it once, some time around 1950 or 1960 or 1970 or 1980. Ask a librarian for lots of help finding it. Also if you ever actually see it you have to look away really fast because it's immediately followed by "Bailey's Beads" and if you see those you die in a few days just like in "The Ring" except even more plausible. > Why is my computer hiding my desktop wallpaper? BECAUSE, YOU BOZO, YOU SHOULDN'T WALLPAPER OVER YOUR DESK!!! You need to stop learning your interior decoration techniques from "Three Stooges" shorts. > I bet it's because it's a furry image (true) and my computer is into > fusecution (not true)!!! OMG! That sound we just heard was another piece of the puzzle falling into place. -- K. Why wouldn't your computer like your bear porn? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My computer ate my wallpaper Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 07:26:30 -0500 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > it's probably a JPEG. non-BMP images can only be displayed if Active > > Desktop is turned on (which is what "View as webpage" does), and > > Active Desktop is best left off. > > Why? Because you don't know why. Two rules of thumb: 1. If you don't know what something is, switching it on will lead to a security hole. 2. If you don't know what something is, putting its .DLL in your Recycle Bin will make your computer unbootable. 3. I said _two_ rules of thumb. You should have already stopped reading, you bozo! Sheesh, if you can't even follow _my_ simple directions, Bill Gates is gonna eat you alive! Not that he actually does that sort of thing -- usually he cooks people before he eats them. He likes to start at the toes to give him time to think of witty remarks about how Microsoft mice have no balls. -- K. I keep thinking 90% of computer problems would disappear if computers had a little slot where you had to insert a quarter every time any file was modified. Also, all quarters would go directly to me because otherwise Bill Gates would be so rich nobody would be able to make fun of him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My computer ate my wallpaper Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 09:49:08 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > My honestly held opinions make people freak out > > and assume I am a trolling S.O.B. > > It's not that we assume you're trolling. WE *hope*, for *your* sake > that you're trolling. > > Trolling would be the kindest explanation for your bizarre opinions. What if Santa Claus used a Hello Kitty brand power drill to make a hole in Lots42's head to stick that stuff into it? Are you saying Santa Claus and Hello Kitty aren't the kindest people who ever lived? What are you, some sort of sicko who's prejudiced against Santa Claus just because sneaks into people's bedrooms and drills holes in their brains? He does it out of kindness and 50% more wuv than the other leading night-time trepanners, even the Great Pumpkin and the Toilet Ninjas! Also, Lots, I don't see why your opinions should startle anyone -- there are plenty of other people who like everything. -- K. Excuse me, I meant to say "people who like everything except people who buy used comic books from people who like everything". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: King Kong Date: Sun, 08 Jan 2006 09:34:02 -0500 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > > > I don't claim to be Casanova or anything, but I've never > ^^^^^^^^ > > ITYM Marquis de Sade or Marquis de Masoch I think he didn't. Because for there to have been a Marquis de Masoch, Wanda would have had to have been whatever ranks above a Marquis but is still female, and then we'd have to rewrite Kraft-Ebbing, and I can't do that because I don't know whether Kraft or Ebbing was the woman. I think the other one was a baron. You gotta be a baron or better to make up new perversions and name them after marquises. How come Kraft and Ebbing never name them after anyone I've met? > > experienced crying during sex. > > Well, I did. That was the day my ex was Very Very Bad Lizard and made > me do s+x and scared me a lot. Plus tore a perfectly good pair of > Jockeys for Her. *I* didnt technically have s+x but he had enough for > both of us. Or maybe it was one of the days he p+nched me for not doing > s+x, but that wouldnt count. Must... not... think... about... UNIX... augh... can't... make... pun... on... the... word... "chmod"... also... keyboard... is... running... out... of... triple... dots... now. Also, I'm sorry he stretched your underpanties out of shape, but I guess he didn't feel like buying ones that were his size. Did your underwear stop getting secretly worn by people other than you after you left him? If so, that proves my theory that the rapist was a jerk. > > I wouldn't call the weird sounds some women make crying. > > Crying involves tears 'n stuff. "Crying out" is another > > story, but that's two words, not one. > > So noted. I think I cried during s+x at least once after leaving Teh > Asshole. I mean, after 15 years of, well, lets just say I was happy to > be on the right track re: , well, you know, lets just say tears of joy, > relief, renewed hope. Yep, sometimes tears are good. I would say sometimes I get the same way when I see a really cool Yves Tanguy painting in person, but such a comparison might not be construed as wholly equivalent. Thought I might have fun smacking Tanguy around. "I'M HITTING YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOUR BLOBS!" Sorry, I don't know where that came from. I think I'm going to blame this entire article on the flu. Cough, cough. Hey, maybe you could trick your ex into dressing up like Yves Tanguy and I could beat him up and that would solve everyone's problems! Well, it wouldn't solve mine, but it would exploit mine, and after all it's good to have an excuse to beat a famous surrealist to death. Also, I have the flu. > > Goddammit! I just made myself think of Ayn Rand during > > a conversation about sex. This is wrong. Wrong is not > > right. > > Keep you A-- R--- fantasies to yourself. Did you know Ayn Rand and Anne Rice are the same person except for one letter of their name and all the stuff they wrote or did? Makes you think real bad, no? -- K. Also, Bettie Page and Betty Boop are almost the same because a page is part of a book and a book is almost a boop. cough ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Year's Resolutions Date: Tue, 10 Jan 2006 18:38:34 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > > > Rumor has it that James Randi lobbied to make homeopathic drugs illegal, > > by buying homeopathic sleeping pills from the store, reading the > > warning about overdoses, and then swallowing the whole bottle. > > That's gotta hurt. Unless it was a homeopathic bottle. Then you don't know James Randi. He would do that and like it. Ever seen him sticking that butter knife in his eye? He's no Fakir Musufar, but still, he has a pretty good repertoire of fakir tricks, all the way up to and including breaking his own ribs just to make William Shatner's TV specials even sillier. > > I also own a tube of something that says "HOMEOPATHIC" on the label, > > but not so prominently that you'd see it unless you were looking for it. > > But it's not anything diluted a heptillion times; it's just herbal. > > I should take it back to the store and tell them they mixed up their > > pseudoscience. > > If it's Zicam, we've been around this dead horse before. Yeah, but it's fun to kill horses dead homeopathically! Since there's no legal definition of "homeopathic" because there's no effects of anything "homeopathic", half of the quacks selling stuff put "homeopathic" on the label to mean "diluted to 0.000000000000000% of its original strength" and the other half just put "homeopathic" on the label to mean "may or may not contain animal, vegetable, or mineral products of an unspecified magickal variety." Zicam is unique because those anti-flu nose sprays do actually have an effect. They don't do anything whatsoever to treat a cold or the flu (turns out that zinc lozenges and sprays have a placebo effect on the basis of tasting so horrible) but Zicam has one powerful effect you can't get anywhere else: It can permanently destroy one of your five senses. Note that if I said "McDonalds hamburgers WILL make you go blind", I'd get sued into oblivion within a homeopathic fraction of a section. But I can say "Zicam WILL destroy your sense of smell" without any fear of lawsuits, because I think we're all pretty much agreed that Zicam can cause, in the words of the Taste & Smell Clinic in Washington, "direct toxic destruction of the olfactory epithelium". Of course, the people who manufacture Zicam say otherwise, but I'm wondering if they might have a financial inventive to do that, and besides, people who try to get other people to put stuff up their nose are not to be trusted, whether or not they're Gabe Kaplan. Also, don't get me started on how silly it is to say "your five senses". I'm well aware that we have at least nine others that nobody ever talks about. -- K. HEY KIDS SPRAY THIS POWERFUL BURNING SENSATION INTO THE MUCUS MEMBRANES IN YOUR HEAD! My theory is that someone invented Zicam just so the rest of us would stop calling him "Dr. Fartypants". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What I did tonight Date: Tue, 10 Jan 2006 18:51:44 -0500 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > I figured out how to use CreateFile, DeviceIoControl and > IOCTL_CHANGER_MOVE_MEDIUM to make a PowerFile C200S 200 > DVD/CD changer move a disk from the carousel to the drive > and vice-versa. Woohoo! So? I don't have to do that because long ago I figured out what my favorite disc is. I glued it into my DVD player's tray long ago. Oh, and also, my new TiVo is running version 7.2.1 of the OS on a 200 MHz processor, which makes it nearly 0.001% faster than version 1.2 on the 50 MHz processor my first TiVo had. Wow! My new TiVo has a 200 MHz MIPS R2200 processor -- that's almost the same one as a crappy old WebTV, except it's not in a WebTV! I'll tell you about my adventure buying the new TiVo sometime, but I've got too much stuff to do right now to be able to type up something that exciting. > Tomorrow night, I get to figure out how to use SetupDiGetClassDevs, > SetupDiEnumDeviceInterfaces and SetupDiGetDeviceInterfaceDetail to > retrieve the correct device name to pass to CreateFile. Woohoo! > > This is a hobby. "LALALALALA THIS IS A HOBBY MY WIFE DID NOT FLUSH MY FAVORITE REMOTE CONTROL DOWN THE TOILET LALALALALALA" > If I'm really, really lucky, I may get hit by a bus or struck > by lightening before then. Woohoo! You don't have to be lucky to be hit by lightning. You just have to sign a release form saying that you won't sue the science museum. Fortunately I carry a stack of those with me at all times. Just sign this giant piece of aluminum foil and wave it over your head until someone comes to collect it. -- K. Have you considered upgrading from a DVD/CD changer to something with unlimited capacity, like a VCR with an endless spool of magnetic tape? Just move your house next to the Maxell factory so that the tape will go out the factory window, through your VCR, and onto your World's Largest Ball Of Magnetism. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTENTION DANIEL BUETTNER. OR ANY OTHER STAPLER EXPERT Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 00:11:38 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > Dear Stapler Expert Person > > Today I got a new office-mate. He has helped himself to not one, not two, but > THREE new staplers from the stationary supply. THREE!! > > I am so very afraid, and yet I do not know why. Because obviously anyone who is preparing to attack you with three staplers must have three arms... or other appendages. I suggest wearing a stapler-proof full body suit, made of either six-inch-thick Kevlar-reinforced Gore-Tex or nine-inch-thick gristle- reinforced titanium hamstrings. Also, while wearing the suit, don't go to the office. Throw him off the trail by going to a fancy restaurant. -- K. So what's a stapler? Was that something they had back when computers had floppy disk drives and ludicrous TV shows hadn't yet all decided to claim they were "reality" instead of TV? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTENTION DANIEL BUETTNER. OR ANY OTHER STAPLER EXPERT Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 02:40:49 -0500 Leo (lazauskas@gmail.com) wrote: > > John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > > > Dear Stapler Expert Person > > > > Today I got a new office-mate. He has helped himself to not one, > > not two, but THREE new staplers from the stationary supply. THREE!! > > I think it is you who are the weirbo for not telling us whether they > were different size staplers. These are my staplers! There are many like them but these are mine! This one's for killing, this one's for fun! And this one's just for eyeballs! Damn, I wish Halloween would hurry up and get here. I so want to be the local Scary Stapler Sicko. KA-CHUNK! KA-CHUNK! I'd get to be in Tarantino's next film for sure. -- K. Except he'd probably keep bleeping out my name so that in the sequel he could reveal that my character is named "Beater Kibo". My favorite part would be the big fight in the Super 88. YOU DIE NOW IN SMELLY SUPERMARKET! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Now is the time Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 01:30:48 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, New Year's is a fake holiday made up just to sell calendars. > > Here's to another 365 days of metabolizing food and oxygen into shit > and piss. If you're going to go all Kilgore Trout on me, you'll need to wait a few days so I can get one of those black ski masks with the white eye holes and red mouth hole so we can play a round of "Insane Time Traveller And The Friendly Golliwog" before Dresden finishes burning down. I heard there was this planet where the Internet was porn and at the end of the alien porn movie they even put the family cat and dog on the keyboard to let them use the Internet. But that movie was hard to watch because you had to have a four-dimensional eyeball that looked like a white sqiggle that went everywhere you'd been. As opposed to "Slaughterhouse-Five", which got made into a movie which was very easy to watch if you didn't mind that it starred the cast of "Monty Python's Flying Circus". Also it was a lot funnier than that other Vonnegut movie, the one which starred Jerry Lewis playing two characters, only one of whom was supposed to be retarded, though the other one did very carefully fall out the window into that giant swimming pool-size vat of paint that all painters use when painting buildings there on planet Jerry, where the stupidity comes from. -- K. Why has Kurt Vonnegut never killed Jerry Lewis? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Now is the time Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 16:41:14 -0500 surferelf (surferelf@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Why has Kurt Vonnegut never killed Jerry Lewis? > > One of the cool things about having learned everything I know about > quantum physics from comic books is that I can believe that there are an > infinite number of universes in which Kurt Vonnegut kills Jerry Lewis. > Of course, this is somewhat offset buy the infinite number of universes > in which they cuddle in the bed of a pickup truck filled with strawberry > custard. Hmm. I would think that Kurt Vonnegut wouldn't use strawberry custard -- it's too sweet and would be an old-timey brand-name reference. I betcha he'd much rather have sex in a big pile of Sen-Sen. Using Lavoris as lube. Actually, he'd be even more likely to do it directly under the effluent pipe coming out of General Electric's Sen-Sen Factory in Schenectady. Not that they actually make Sen-Sen in Schenectady, but I'm sure they make it somewhere, unless all those little packets are ninety years old -- well, maybe they don't make it anywhere. But let's blame General Electric for it because Kurt Vonnegut would want it that way, assuming he can even remember he hates General Electric as much as he loves Sen-Sen. Of course I'm only guessing that he loves Sen-Sen, because someone has to love Sen-Sen, and he's the most likely one. As to what Jerry Lewis likes, well, I don't think they make Percodan-flavored Sen-Sen... I suspect he shops based on product names: "Let's see, which detergent do I want? Wisk, All, Duz, Biz, Bold, Fab, or ShemelmemurmelamaheylaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaady?" So let's just rename Sen-Sen to something with enough syllables for him to yell its name out during sex. I could just see him going into Duane Reade to ask, "Excuse me, but I need a box of tasteless condoms and a small packet of Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen- Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen..." (Dissolve to the moldering skeleton of the druggist, covered with cobwebs, holding up a packet of Sen-Sen as Jerry finishes his sentence. Jerry takes the tiny packet then falls down.) "And also I'll need some Band-Aids and I don't want generic ones, I want real Band-Aids made by Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & ..." (Dissolve an entire theater full of skeletons of people who shot themselves.) -- K. Duane Reade is the pharmacy in Manhattan just for people who aren't allowed to cross the street to the other Duane Reade. Actual store locations just for ZIP code 10001: 33rd St. & Broadway 34th St. & 5th Ave. 26th St. & 6th Ave. 28th St. & 7th Ave. 26th St. & 8th Ave. 34th St. & 8th Ave. 34th St. between 7th & 8th They have 122 locations in other parts of Manhattan. I'm not sure whether that's more than the number of subway stations, or why they could dominate Manhattan so completely with such an ugly logo. With their name in ITC Serif Gothic lowercase. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Now is the time Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 01:39:47 -0500 "Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > > > Here's to another 365 days of metabolizing food and oxygen into shit > > and piss. > > Hey, it's a job! If you're going to respond to a Kilgore Trout line about talking yeast with a Toilet-Brush-Head Bird line from "The Flintstones", you hereby grant me the right to trump your special ace with a line from the most obscure movie ever made, "Nobody Meets Nobody Else In Nothingland", starring nobody, released in the year 0: "Watch out for the invisible baloney tetrahedron and its unimpeachable nutria with their bespectacled tentacles of easily-imaginable ennui!" Your move, chumps. -- K. So how many thousands of pounds of dollars did I just win? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I had an actual physical encounter with a spammer! Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 02:02:54 -0500 So I'm in the subway station, waiting to change trains. I'm sitting on a bench doing a Japanese puzzle with a special Japanese pencil. (Hey, I need the "Sumo Grip".) A woman approaches me and starts making obviously forced small talk which consists entirely of her asking me questions about myself without telling me anything about what she wants. Strike one: I'm obviously busy and she wants me to be her personal Busy Box. She asks about the color of my hair (strike two: She asks what band I'm in, people who assume that "dyed hair" = "rock musician" are people who leave the house only to talk to me) and about the puzzle I'm trying to do and about what I do for a living (strike three: Way too obviously fishing for personal details without a valid segue or volunteering any of her own information.) Suddenly she demands access to my pencil. I hand it over and she says, "Let me have your E-mail address!" (Strike four: She used to be able to ask annoying questions, now she's just giving orders.) I ask, "For what?" and she says only, "I'm starting a campaign," and I see that she's preparing to write on a folded sheet of paper covered with E-mail addresses, all in her handwriting. "Sorry, I don't give that out," I tell her. She works a little too hard to look hurt and shocked that I wouldn't turn over custody of my E-mail address to a stranger who wants it for secret evil purposes in her mystery campaign. But surely I can't be the first person to turn her down. (Maybe I was the first one to do so politely.) The amazing things are that (a) she got all those other addresses and (b) she did it without even being smart enough to bring her own pencil. (Note that I did get my Sumo Grip back from her.) I don't know what she was going to spam me with. I suppose I could have given her a unique, disposable E-mail address so that I could find out safely (one of the advantages of having your own domain name is that I have an unlimited supply of addresses) but that would have increased the amount of time before she left me alone when I just wanted to do my damn puzzle. Have any of you guys ever had a similar encounter with a living, walking E-mail address harvester? I don't mean the cashiers at Borders who are programmed to ask you for your address, this was a case where she just appeared out of the blue and tried to glom onto my address. Like a pickpocket, but a million times worse. -- K. I think I just met Mariam Abacha. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I had an actual physical encounter with a spammer! Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 16:46:29 -0500 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The amazing things are that (a) she got all those other addresses and > > Mostly from men, I suspect. To get that many addresses, she'd have to corner every single blind man on the subway. She was somewhat, shall we say, troll-like. > > (b) she did it without even being smart enough to bring her own pencil. > > Never underestimate the number of idiots out there. Should I start carrying a clipboard so I can say "Hey! I'll let you add my name to my list for five dollars, and you even get to use your own pencil!"? Or should I just start carrying a clipboard and wearing a lab coat so I can be a respected authority like the ones TV commercials make up? -- K. "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on the subway..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I had an actual physical encounter with a spammer! Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 19:08:31 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Should I start carrying a clipboard so I can say "Hey! I'll let you > > add my name to my list for five dollars, and you even get to use your > > own pencil!"? > > I'd like to try an experiment in which I walk around the city centre > with a high-vis jacket and a clipboard and give people ridiculous > instructions about where they can sit. DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!!!! But then to make it a proper scientific experiment you also have to do the control condition -- where you dress like yourself -- as well as all the other important variations, such as the one where you're wearing a black ski mask, the one where you're naked, the one where you're the President, the one where you're Darth Vader, and the one where you're wearing a T-shirt which says "PLEASE HUMOR ME BECAUSE I'M OBVIOUSLY MENTALLY HANDICAPPED." To save time, you can combine the last one with the President one. Adam Funk, you are Allen Funt! Soon to star in an exciting new TV reality series where Allen Funt and Stanley Milgram and Andy Kaufman overthrow foreign dictators on impossible missions involving wacky hidden-camera stunts! With Dick Clark as the voice of all the crazy appliances that will self-destruct in five seconds! -- K. PLEASE HUMOR ME BECAUSE I'M OBVIOUSLY A GENIUS ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I had an actual physical encounter with a spammer! Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 18:55:32 -0500 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Should I start carrying a clipboard so I can say "Hey! I'll let you > > add my name to my list for five dollars, and you even get to use your > > own pencil!"? > > Pretend you are taking a survey. "How often do you ride > the subway?...okay, thanks. Now, how often do you let > strangers ask you pointless questions?" I suspect the average lifespan of someone who attempts anything like that on the Boston subway system is however long it takes them to get pushed onto the Red Line's third rail. > > Or should I just start carrying a clipboard and wearing a lab coat so > > I can be a respected authority like the ones TV commercials make up? > > Throw in a stethoscope and you can order nurses around. > "Nurse! I need 30 milligrams of eppy STAT!" And then you > can steal a bunch of latex gloves while she's getting it. No way. Hospitals have those boring beige rubber gloves. Only tattoists and hair salons that have the black ones. It's too bad they don't make blood-red ones -- it completely ruined "Dead Ringers" for me when they put on those blood-red surgical outfits with plain beige gloves. I've got all the same medical instruments as the movie, but I refuse to wear the beige gloves if I'm ever performing surgery on the subway. I demand someone start manufacturing blood-red gloves. Those would be good for doctors because they would hide the blood so as not to gross people out. Plak Smacker makes those flavored latex gloves for dentists, but they still haven't taken my suggestion for delicious habanero pepper gloves. Those should be the blood-red ones. > > "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on the subway..." > > That's a misdemeanor. So? I do what I want, where I want. And I could do that if I wanted to. But I don't want to, unless I wind up doing it by accident, in which case I retroactively declare that I wanted to do that. Yesterday on a Green Line platform there was a can of King Cole brand Vegetarian Beans sitting on the ground. I know that people often think they're helping the homeless by leaving granola bars in public places ("Gee, thanks for the nearly whole ounce of food!") but this was the first time I'd seen canned food put out. Just to make it really insulting to the homeless, they chose a cheap brand -- the good brands can be opened with pull-tabs, but I guess to open a can of King Cole you have to get the train to run over the end of it. Unless you're carrying David Cronenberg's Nine-Bladed Vaginal Ripper. Come on, don't you think most of the people on the subway are carrying imaginary ultraviolent medical instruments, except for the ones who just ride the subway while hoping the train will crash into James Dean's car? I hope Cronenberg never runs out of ideas for disgusting new perversions that people are going to re-enact on the subway on their way to the Boston Public Library. I mean, some of the people in that library are weird even by David Cronenberg's standards. -- K. Also I want that really luxurious hypodermic baseball bat from "Battlefield Baseball" filled with a mixture of all the poisons in the world and all the medical herbs in the world to keep people alive forever while it kills them. (All I currently have is the homeopathic version.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I had an actual physical encounter with a spammer! Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 09:37:50 -0500 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Have any of you guys ever had a similar encounter with a living, > > walking E-mail address harvester? > > Maybe it was a sociological experiment, where a petition is circulated, > demanding the repeal of say, the freedom of speech or the freedom to > enjoy large breasticles. No, because then she would have asked for my name, not my E-mail address. E-mail addresses are only used for online petitions, which are even more of a joke than regular petitions. Signing a petition is just like putting a political bumper sticker a part of your car where nobody can see it. Snopes.com has a wonderful essay (by Barbara Mikkelson) slamming it to both "real" petitions and especially online petitions, though she's a little too tactful to come right out and say anyone who signs an online petition is a wanker with delusions of importance. Here in Boston, people who were trying to get gay marriage outlawed recently circulated a petition to that effect, but they tricked people into signing it by telling them it was a petition to let Stop & Shop sell wine. How they picked that issue to exploit for their scam, I don't know -- maybe they thought that everyone but gay people likes supermarket-brand wine. Not as if having a few extra signatures (over the minimum required to require a vote on the issue) will matter, since I think everyone in the local government knows that half the people in the state support gay marriage and half are against it -- most people who are elected to public office read a newspaper (or had it read to them) every few months. People who are opposed to banning gay marriage set up a Web site (www.KnowThyNeighbor.org) which lists the names and addresses of people who signed it, so that people can check whether their name got onto the list without their consent. But of course some people who did choose to sign it are screaming about how nobody should be able to tell who signed it, because apparently the people who don't like gay marriage thought this was a _secret_ petition. Signing a petition is literally the least someone can do to make a difference, and signing a petition and not wanting to let anyone know you signed it, well, that's just bozotic. Do they think petitions are just like the big cardboard thermometer on PBS pledge drives, showing only a numeric total? I respect people's right to sign a petition expressing whichever view on gay marriage they have, and I respect the rights of other concerned citizens to make such public legislative documents available for the public to see, but people who sign a petition and then get upset when other people can tell they signed it, well, I guess I should also respect the rights of people to be socially-incompetent crybabies. My favorite article on the wine petition scam: [Worcester Telegram & Gazette, last October] -> -> [...] -> -> While employed by the firm, Ms. McElroy said, she saw one of her -> co-workers forge signatures from one petition to the other at the -> Square One Mall in Saugus, re-creating the original signer's -> handwriting and address. She said she questioned the co-worker -> about what he was doing and was told that he was boosting his -> earnings by transferring signatures from petition A, which would -> allow wine sales in grocery stories, to petition K, which would put -> a ban on same-sex marriages on the ballot. -> -> [...] -> -> In a related matter, Lunenburg Police Lt. James Marino said Tuesday -> that police on Oct. 2 arrested a petition signature gatherer -> working for what he said was a California-based company called Arno -> Political Consultants when he refused to leave the Wal-Mart store -> in that town. Police were called to the store after receiving a -> call from the manager saying a man was creating a disturbance -> outside and was blocking the doorway. Police attempted to get the -> man to leave peacefully but he appeared to be "out of control" and -> was waving a document from the secretary of state's office which he -> claimed were his work rules. -> -> Lt. Marino said the document called "Solicitation of Signatures in -> Public Places'' was read by police and they determined the man was -> breaking all of them. Mark Rohbraugh, 27, of 9817 Sprague St., -> Omaha, Neb., was arrested and charged with being disorderly, -> resisting arrest and trespassing after Wal-Mart management asked -> him to leave in the presence of police officers and he refused. He -> was released on personal recognizance and arraigned Oct. 3 in -> Fitchburg District Court. -> -> Mr. Rohbraugh had a sign indicating he was collecting signatures -> for the beer and wine petition, Lt. Marino said. I want to know the details of the "breaking all of them" part. This could be the best Bizarro comic book ever, especially the part where Bizarro marries Superman. (Jimmy Olsen is heartbroken! "But Superman, you cannot marry a man without an original costume! What if the two of you show up to a party wearing the same outfit?") In any case, I support allowing supermarkets to sell the same stuff as liquor stores so as to help drive the 50,000 mom & pop liquor stores in my neighborhood out of business. Plus, my neighborhood could use a real supermarket. -- K. I'm starting a petition that says that people should have to pay ten bucks to sign a petition. That will make all petitions more important, because people will have paid all that money to tell the world that some but not all people feel one way or the other about something they may or may not have read! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I had an actual physical encounter with a spammer! Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 06:58:29 -0500 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So I'm in the subway station, waiting to change trains. I'm sitting > > on a bench doing a Japanese puzzle with a special Japanese pencil. > > (Hey, I need the "Sumo Grip".) > > Another victim of the Sudoku craze? Nuh-uh. I survived Sudoku and because they were way too easy, I've moved onto the hard stuff, ordered direct from Nikoli. I'm saving the poster-size Slither Link map for the next time I'm stranded in a hotel room for a week. I'm scared that it will make me go permanently insane because it so much looks like things I've seen when I've been temporarily insane, like the time I killed all those sheriffs in Texas and -- wait, that never happened. I've never been temporarily insane! Doctor, you gotta help me, I think I'm insane but I'm not! "Hmm. Since you're not insane, I prescribe some Number Link puzzles." "Number Link? Surely you mean Slither Link..." "No, Number Link, so this will be an especially brutal course of treatment for your non-insanity." "Eh, can't be much difference between the two, because they have almost the same name, especially if they spell them in Japanese, because everything printed in Japanese looks like that thing Q*Bert keeps saying. Hey, can I go play Q*Bert now?" "No. Also, you have to eat all the traditional Japanese snacks the cute little animals are enjoying in the margins of the Nikoli puzzle books. You can start with the back of the Masyu book." "Oh, that can't be a big deal, because Masyu puzzles are easy. They're just connect-the-dots with extra rules. Hmm, the penguin and the caterpillar are enjoying those things that have a bamboo stick with the pink ball, the white ball, and the green ball impaled on it. I'll just eat the red one... umm num num num... and now the white one... umm num num... hmm, tastes just like the other one... now the green one... ARGH BLAH YUK!" "But Kibo, that's the flavor of delicious tasty mugwort. It's a close relative of the plant that makes absinthe so poisonous, but completely different. In addition to it being put into bitter-tasting spinach-green Japanese candy, acupuncturists like to dry it out, pile it on your bare chest, and set fire to it to burn holes in your skin. They do this because they enjoy the smell of the smoke, as mugwort contains about one-sixth as much THC as an ordinary household reefer!" "Gee, doc, your knowledge of obscure Asian psychotropic herbs and the horrible-tasting snack foods containing them depicted in the margins of Japanese puzzle books is unsurpassed. But how is this supposed to cure the fact that I'm not insane yet?" "I never said it would." "You implied it." "No, Kibo, I didn't." "Look, I'm writing this dialogue, and I know what I wrote that you said above." "You're not the boss of me just because you exist and I don't. I have free will and more importantly, in the middle of the next sentence you lose the ability to say any word not relating to 'nougat'." "That's crazy. I'd never write something like that, especially because nougat nougat nougat nougaty nougat nougat nougatine nougatliciously nougatacular nougat." "See, Kibo, just because you're writing it doesn't mean the fictional characters aren't in charge of it. Now why don't you be a good non-insane person and show the nice people that photo of the penguin and caterpillar enjoying their Ferengi Glop-On-A-Stick?" "Fine, if it'll get me out of this story before you find some way to drive me insane outside of this story instead of inside of it. Hey peanut gallery, here's a photo I just took..." http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006_01_masyu_snack_0370.jpg "Very good, Kibo. The interesting thing is, you took that photo just to illustrate what I, a fictional character, was talking about. You wouldn't have taken that photo if I hadn't mentioned the bizarro Japanese snacks that double as ninja weapons, and so, since I, still fictitious, have control over your actions, that proves that fictional characters are more real than real people like you." "Hey, I think I've had this conversation before. Are you plagiarizing that episode of 'The Special Show!' I wrote a week and a half ago? There was a character in that who told me the same thing." "Oh, so now not only are people in your stories talking to you, but you even remember them talking to you? There, you are now insane. I win!" "Damn you, Doctor Imaginary. Curse you and your foul-tasting green ball of plasticine on a stick!" "The important thing is that you ate one of those, so you know it's not imaginary, thus proving that bad things are real." "I'm tired of this conversation. I'm going to stop writing about you pushing me around." "Kibo, that wouldn't be a very nice thing to do, and -- WAAH, MY HEAD FELL OFF!" "Excellent, now I can go home." (Kibo opens a little door in the side of the dialogue and steps out, returning to here.) Hey guys, I'm back. So, why is Japan insane? -- K. Wait, real penguins don't like Japanese food! That's why they only live in the Antarctic, because it's the only continent that doesn't have Benihana! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: CIV IV fun Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 08:17:57 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I like getting the different iced teas from the Chinese grocery stores. You got a few letters out of order there. The "d" goes before the "i", which goes before the "s", which goes before the "eases". What the "c" and "t" are doing in there is no business of mine. Don't you know you can get the same diseases for free outside the market in the parking lot late at night? > The raspberry one is good on a hot day. That's not a Chinese supermarket tea flavor. Real Chinese supermarkets sell bitter melon tea, caterpillar fungus tea, and lots of special teas for problems with a woman's... you know. In the U.S., raspberry iced tea is sold in roundeye supermarkets, usually in the Kool-Aid aisle. I'm partial to green tea with brown sugar, "bubbles" (i.e. Milk Dud guts), and a couple drops of lime oil. Sometimes one drop of lime oil and one of spruce oil if I'm feeling naughty. A blend of peppermint and green tea is good too, except I can't find any peppermint that actually tastes like pepper. Usually peppermint just tastes like mintmint. Today I ate a whole bag of those Japanese habanero potato rings I like, really fast, then immediately ate one of those refrigerated chocolate crepes the Japanese store also sells. The combination of habanero followed by chocolate was an instant massive endorphin blast that made me turn into some sort of cartoon wrestler screaming "X-TREME!!!!" You gotta know what to precede your chocolate with if you want to properly unlock its ability to go bananas in your body. I love those crepes (curious that I have to go to the Japanese grocery store to get good refrigerated French pastries, and no, they don't have them over at the Boulangerie Japonaise where I get my curry-filled doughnuts) but some of the English translations on the ingredients worry me. For instance, "fermented butter". Maybe they're trying to say "cream cheese", or maybe they do mean rancid butter. And the last ingredient is, I hope, a misspelling, because it's "milt protein". But I wouldn't put it past them, since a lot of Japanese pastry and candy does have fish oil or (in the case of marshmallows) fish gelatin. Mmm, tastes swimbladdery! Unfortunately, I think I've now bought the entire stock of habanero potato rings from all the Asian grocery stores in the area, so I'll probably never see them again. I may have to start making my own by grinding up a mixture of dried habanero powder and pork bouillon cubes and sprinkling it on Pringles. (One of the great things about Japanese junk food is they often sneak meat into it. Ever have Spicy Chicken Babystar? It's just as good as eating instant ramen noodles, and don't tell me you've never eaten dry ramen noodles. Everyone secretly does that once in a while.) So where were we? Oh, yeah. My local grocery stores can beat up your local grocery stores. You should move to a continent that's closer to Asia! Fortunately the U.S. is only fifteen miles from Asia, thanks to the Bering Strait the Russkies dug after the people in charge of world maps wouldn't let Edward Teller make it with his bombs. -- K. HA HA CANADA IS TOUCHING THE CONTINENTAL U.S. AND ALASKA TOO! HEY CANADA HOW DOES IT FEEL HAVING TWOOOOO BORDERS WITH THE SAME OBNOXIOUS COUNTRY? NEXT MONTH WE'RE MOVING HAWAII TO LAKE ONTARIO! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: well do beleive that there some in counter that happen Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 17:01:40 -0500 In alt.religion.kibology, carouse_woman@yahoo.com wrote (quoted in full): > > but that god has done cause there are time when you are so down on > yourself and when you pray for thing to help you make it threw at time > god is with you and know you ask for thing at a time and nothing > happen okay , but he is there watching okay why he does help all the > time is be on me okay Worst James Joyce novel ever -- should have gone on at least another thousand pages. Also it needs that chick who can somehow peel off her skin to reveal Roy Scheider underneath, and a talking dolphin, and hundreds of smiling Carl Sagan heads going down an assembly line, and a helicopter trying to land in a giant vat of chopped feathers, and a gun that gives people eyeglasses that don't fit right, and a funny clown made entirely of clear Jell-O, and a slow-motion explosion coming out of Anson Williams's hair, and a dinner mint which is a whole dinner including dessert which would be another dinner mint embedded in one corner of the dinner mint, and a free puppy for everyone who doesn't want a puppy, and Roy Scheider playing basketball with a bowling ball made from his own skin, and a pregnancy test that's wrong 100% of the time making it more reliable than the ones which are right 99.9% of the time, and a sneeze guard over Ronald McDonald's grave, and an asteroid hitting Barbara Walters, and some sort of liquid that makes squeaking noises. Now _that_ would be good incoherent theology! Also needs a chimp, just like the Bible. -- K. EAT MY THEOLOGY