From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Year's Resolutions Date: Tue, 10 Jan 2006 18:38:34 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > > > Rumor has it that James Randi lobbied to make homeopathic drugs illegal, > > by buying homeopathic sleeping pills from the store, reading the > > warning about overdoses, and then swallowing the whole bottle. > > That's gotta hurt. Unless it was a homeopathic bottle. Then you don't know James Randi. He would do that and like it. Ever seen him sticking that butter knife in his eye? He's no Fakir Musufar, but still, he has a pretty good repertoire of fakir tricks, all the way up to and including breaking his own ribs just to make William Shatner's TV specials even sillier. > > I also own a tube of something that says "HOMEOPATHIC" on the label, > > but not so prominently that you'd see it unless you were looking for it. > > But it's not anything diluted a heptillion times; it's just herbal. > > I should take it back to the store and tell them they mixed up their > > pseudoscience. > > If it's Zicam, we've been around this dead horse before. Yeah, but it's fun to kill horses dead homeopathically! Since there's no legal definition of "homeopathic" because there's no effects of anything "homeopathic", half of the quacks selling stuff put "homeopathic" on the label to mean "diluted to 0.000000000000000% of its original strength" and the other half just put "homeopathic" on the label to mean "may or may not contain animal, vegetable, or mineral products of an unspecified magickal variety." Zicam is unique because those anti-flu nose sprays do actually have an effect. They don't do anything whatsoever to treat a cold or the flu (turns out that zinc lozenges and sprays have a placebo effect on the basis of tasting so horrible) but Zicam has one powerful effect you can't get anywhere else: It can permanently destroy one of your five senses. Note that if I said "McDonalds hamburgers WILL make you go blind", I'd get sued into oblivion within a homeopathic fraction of a section. But I can say "Zicam WILL destroy your sense of smell" without any fear of lawsuits, because I think we're all pretty much agreed that Zicam can cause, in the words of the Taste & Smell Clinic in Washington, "direct toxic destruction of the olfactory epithelium". Of course, the people who manufacture Zicam say otherwise, but I'm wondering if they might have a financial inventive to do that, and besides, people who try to get other people to put stuff up their nose are not to be trusted, whether or not they're Gabe Kaplan. Also, don't get me started on how silly it is to say "your five senses". I'm well aware that we have at least nine others that nobody ever talks about. -- K. HEY KIDS SPRAY THIS POWERFUL BURNING SENSATION INTO THE MUCUS MEMBRANES IN YOUR HEAD! My theory is that someone invented Zicam just so the rest of us would stop calling him "Dr. Fartypants". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What I did tonight Date: Tue, 10 Jan 2006 18:51:44 -0500 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > I figured out how to use CreateFile, DeviceIoControl and > IOCTL_CHANGER_MOVE_MEDIUM to make a PowerFile C200S 200 > DVD/CD changer move a disk from the carousel to the drive > and vice-versa. Woohoo! So? I don't have to do that because long ago I figured out what my favorite disc is. I glued it into my DVD player's tray long ago. Oh, and also, my new TiVo is running version 7.2.1 of the OS on a 200 MHz processor, which makes it nearly 0.001% faster than version 1.2 on the 50 MHz processor my first TiVo had. Wow! My new TiVo has a 200 MHz MIPS R2200 processor -- that's almost the same one as a crappy old WebTV, except it's not in a WebTV! I'll tell you about my adventure buying the new TiVo sometime, but I've got too much stuff to do right now to be able to type up something that exciting. > Tomorrow night, I get to figure out how to use SetupDiGetClassDevs, > SetupDiEnumDeviceInterfaces and SetupDiGetDeviceInterfaceDetail to > retrieve the correct device name to pass to CreateFile. Woohoo! > > This is a hobby. "LALALALALA THIS IS A HOBBY MY WIFE DID NOT FLUSH MY FAVORITE REMOTE CONTROL DOWN THE TOILET LALALALALALA" > If I'm really, really lucky, I may get hit by a bus or struck > by lightening before then. Woohoo! You don't have to be lucky to be hit by lightning. You just have to sign a release form saying that you won't sue the science museum. Fortunately I carry a stack of those with me at all times. Just sign this giant piece of aluminum foil and wave it over your head until someone comes to collect it. -- K. Have you considered upgrading from a DVD/CD changer to something with unlimited capacity, like a VCR with an endless spool of magnetic tape? Just move your house next to the Maxell factory so that the tape will go out the factory window, through your VCR, and onto your World's Largest Ball Of Magnetism. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTENTION DANIEL BUETTNER. OR ANY OTHER STAPLER EXPERT Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 00:11:38 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > Dear Stapler Expert Person > > Today I got a new office-mate. He has helped himself to not one, not two, but > THREE new staplers from the stationary supply. THREE!! > > I am so very afraid, and yet I do not know why. Because obviously anyone who is preparing to attack you with three staplers must have three arms... or other appendages. I suggest wearing a stapler-proof full body suit, made of either six-inch-thick Kevlar-reinforced Gore-Tex or nine-inch-thick gristle- reinforced titanium hamstrings. Also, while wearing the suit, don't go to the office. Throw him off the trail by going to a fancy restaurant. -- K. So what's a stapler? Was that something they had back when computers had floppy disk drives and ludicrous TV shows hadn't yet all decided to claim they were "reality" instead of TV? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTENTION DANIEL BUETTNER. OR ANY OTHER STAPLER EXPERT Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 02:40:49 -0500 Leo (lazauskas@gmail.com) wrote: > > John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > > > Dear Stapler Expert Person > > > > Today I got a new office-mate. He has helped himself to not one, > > not two, but THREE new staplers from the stationary supply. THREE!! > > I think it is you who are the weirbo for not telling us whether they > were different size staplers. These are my staplers! There are many like them but these are mine! This one's for killing, this one's for fun! And this one's just for eyeballs! Damn, I wish Halloween would hurry up and get here. I so want to be the local Scary Stapler Sicko. KA-CHUNK! KA-CHUNK! I'd get to be in Tarantino's next film for sure. -- K. Except he'd probably keep bleeping out my name so that in the sequel he could reveal that my character is named "Beater Kibo". My favorite part would be the big fight in the Super 88. YOU DIE NOW IN SMELLY SUPERMARKET! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Now is the time Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 01:30:48 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, New Year's is a fake holiday made up just to sell calendars. > > Here's to another 365 days of metabolizing food and oxygen into shit > and piss. If you're going to go all Kilgore Trout on me, you'll need to wait a few days so I can get one of those black ski masks with the white eye holes and red mouth hole so we can play a round of "Insane Time Traveller And The Friendly Golliwog" before Dresden finishes burning down. I heard there was this planet where the Internet was porn and at the end of the alien porn movie they even put the family cat and dog on the keyboard to let them use the Internet. But that movie was hard to watch because you had to have a four-dimensional eyeball that looked like a white sqiggle that went everywhere you'd been. As opposed to "Slaughterhouse-Five", which got made into a movie which was very easy to watch if you didn't mind that it starred the cast of "Monty Python's Flying Circus". Also it was a lot funnier than that other Vonnegut movie, the one which starred Jerry Lewis playing two characters, only one of whom was supposed to be retarded, though the other one did very carefully fall out the window into that giant swimming pool-size vat of paint that all painters use when painting buildings there on planet Jerry, where the stupidity comes from. -- K. Why has Kurt Vonnegut never killed Jerry Lewis? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Now is the time Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 16:41:14 -0500 surferelf (surferelf@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Why has Kurt Vonnegut never killed Jerry Lewis? > > One of the cool things about having learned everything I know about > quantum physics from comic books is that I can believe that there are an > infinite number of universes in which Kurt Vonnegut kills Jerry Lewis. > Of course, this is somewhat offset buy the infinite number of universes > in which they cuddle in the bed of a pickup truck filled with strawberry > custard. Hmm. I would think that Kurt Vonnegut wouldn't use strawberry custard -- it's too sweet and would be an old-timey brand-name reference. I betcha he'd much rather have sex in a big pile of Sen-Sen. Using Lavoris as lube. Actually, he'd be even more likely to do it directly under the effluent pipe coming out of General Electric's Sen-Sen Factory in Schenectady. Not that they actually make Sen-Sen in Schenectady, but I'm sure they make it somewhere, unless all those little packets are ninety years old -- well, maybe they don't make it anywhere. But let's blame General Electric for it because Kurt Vonnegut would want it that way, assuming he can even remember he hates General Electric as much as he loves Sen-Sen. Of course I'm only guessing that he loves Sen-Sen, because someone has to love Sen-Sen, and he's the most likely one. As to what Jerry Lewis likes, well, I don't think they make Percodan-flavored Sen-Sen... I suspect he shops based on product names: "Let's see, which detergent do I want? Wisk, All, Duz, Biz, Bold, Fab, or ShemelmemurmelamaheylaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaady?" So let's just rename Sen-Sen to something with enough syllables for him to yell its name out during sex. I could just see him going into Duane Reade to ask, "Excuse me, but I need a box of tasteless condoms and a small packet of Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen- Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen-Sen..." (Dissolve to the moldering skeleton of the druggist, covered with cobwebs, holding up a packet of Sen-Sen as Jerry finishes his sentence. Jerry takes the tiny packet then falls down.) "And also I'll need some Band-Aids and I don't want generic ones, I want real Band-Aids made by Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & ..." (Dissolve an entire theater full of skeletons of people who shot themselves.) -- K. Duane Reade is the pharmacy in Manhattan just for people who aren't allowed to cross the street to the other Duane Reade. Actual store locations just for ZIP code 10001: 33rd St. & Broadway 34th St. & 5th Ave. 26th St. & 6th Ave. 28th St. & 7th Ave. 26th St. & 8th Ave. 34th St. & 8th Ave. 34th St. between 7th & 8th They have 122 locations in other parts of Manhattan. I'm not sure whether that's more than the number of subway stations, or why they could dominate Manhattan so completely with such an ugly logo. With their name in ITC Serif Gothic lowercase. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Now is the time Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 01:39:47 -0500 "Monroe, of course..." (magenta@knowyerchicken.org) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > > > Here's to another 365 days of metabolizing food and oxygen into shit > > and piss. > > Hey, it's a job! If you're going to respond to a Kilgore Trout line about talking yeast with a Toilet-Brush-Head Bird line from "The Flintstones", you hereby grant me the right to trump your special ace with a line from the most obscure movie ever made, "Nobody Meets Nobody Else In Nothingland", starring nobody, released in the year 0: "Watch out for the invisible baloney tetrahedron and its unimpeachable nutria with their bespectacled tentacles of easily-imaginable ennui!" Your move, chumps. -- K. So how many thousands of pounds of dollars did I just win? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I had an actual physical encounter with a spammer! Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 02:02:54 -0500 So I'm in the subway station, waiting to change trains. I'm sitting on a bench doing a Japanese puzzle with a special Japanese pencil. (Hey, I need the "Sumo Grip".) A woman approaches me and starts making obviously forced small talk which consists entirely of her asking me questions about myself without telling me anything about what she wants. Strike one: I'm obviously busy and she wants me to be her personal Busy Box. She asks about the color of my hair (strike two: She asks what band I'm in, people who assume that "dyed hair" = "rock musician" are people who leave the house only to talk to me) and about the puzzle I'm trying to do and about what I do for a living (strike three: Way too obviously fishing for personal details without a valid segue or volunteering any of her own information.) Suddenly she demands access to my pencil. I hand it over and she says, "Let me have your E-mail address!" (Strike four: She used to be able to ask annoying questions, now she's just giving orders.) I ask, "For what?" and she says only, "I'm starting a campaign," and I see that she's preparing to write on a folded sheet of paper covered with E-mail addresses, all in her handwriting. "Sorry, I don't give that out," I tell her. She works a little too hard to look hurt and shocked that I wouldn't turn over custody of my E-mail address to a stranger who wants it for secret evil purposes in her mystery campaign. But surely I can't be the first person to turn her down. (Maybe I was the first one to do so politely.) The amazing things are that (a) she got all those other addresses and (b) she did it without even being smart enough to bring her own pencil. (Note that I did get my Sumo Grip back from her.) I don't know what she was going to spam me with. I suppose I could have given her a unique, disposable E-mail address so that I could find out safely (one of the advantages of having your own domain name is that I have an unlimited supply of addresses) but that would have increased the amount of time before she left me alone when I just wanted to do my damn puzzle. Have any of you guys ever had a similar encounter with a living, walking E-mail address harvester? I don't mean the cashiers at Borders who are programmed to ask you for your address, this was a case where she just appeared out of the blue and tried to glom onto my address. Like a pickpocket, but a million times worse. -- K. I think I just met Mariam Abacha. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I had an actual physical encounter with a spammer! Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 16:46:29 -0500 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The amazing things are that (a) she got all those other addresses and > > Mostly from men, I suspect. To get that many addresses, she'd have to corner every single blind man on the subway. She was somewhat, shall we say, troll-like. > > (b) she did it without even being smart enough to bring her own pencil. > > Never underestimate the number of idiots out there. Should I start carrying a clipboard so I can say "Hey! I'll let you add my name to my list for five dollars, and you even get to use your own pencil!"? Or should I just start carrying a clipboard and wearing a lab coat so I can be a respected authority like the ones TV commercials make up? -- K. "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on the subway..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I had an actual physical encounter with a spammer! Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 19:08:31 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Should I start carrying a clipboard so I can say "Hey! I'll let you > > add my name to my list for five dollars, and you even get to use your > > own pencil!"? > > I'd like to try an experiment in which I walk around the city centre > with a high-vis jacket and a clipboard and give people ridiculous > instructions about where they can sit. DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!!!! But then to make it a proper scientific experiment you also have to do the control condition -- where you dress like yourself -- as well as all the other important variations, such as the one where you're wearing a black ski mask, the one where you're naked, the one where you're the President, the one where you're Darth Vader, and the one where you're wearing a T-shirt which says "PLEASE HUMOR ME BECAUSE I'M OBVIOUSLY MENTALLY HANDICAPPED." To save time, you can combine the last one with the President one. Adam Funk, you are Allen Funt! Soon to star in an exciting new TV reality series where Allen Funt and Stanley Milgram and Andy Kaufman overthrow foreign dictators on impossible missions involving wacky hidden-camera stunts! With Dick Clark as the voice of all the crazy appliances that will self-destruct in five seconds! -- K. PLEASE HUMOR ME BECAUSE I'M OBVIOUSLY A GENIUS ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I had an actual physical encounter with a spammer! Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 18:55:32 -0500 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Should I start carrying a clipboard so I can say "Hey! I'll let you > > add my name to my list for five dollars, and you even get to use your > > own pencil!"? > > Pretend you are taking a survey. "How often do you ride > the subway?...okay, thanks. Now, how often do you let > strangers ask you pointless questions?" I suspect the average lifespan of someone who attempts anything like that on the Boston subway system is however long it takes them to get pushed onto the Red Line's third rail. > > Or should I just start carrying a clipboard and wearing a lab coat so > > I can be a respected authority like the ones TV commercials make up? > > Throw in a stethoscope and you can order nurses around. > "Nurse! I need 30 milligrams of eppy STAT!" And then you > can steal a bunch of latex gloves while she's getting it. No way. Hospitals have those boring beige rubber gloves. Only tattoists and hair salons that have the black ones. It's too bad they don't make blood-red ones -- it completely ruined "Dead Ringers" for me when they put on those blood-red surgical outfits with plain beige gloves. I've got all the same medical instruments as the movie, but I refuse to wear the beige gloves if I'm ever performing surgery on the subway. I demand someone start manufacturing blood-red gloves. Those would be good for doctors because they would hide the blood so as not to gross people out. Plak Smacker makes those flavored latex gloves for dentists, but they still haven't taken my suggestion for delicious habanero pepper gloves. Those should be the blood-red ones. > > "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on the subway..." > > That's a misdemeanor. So? I do what I want, where I want. And I could do that if I wanted to. But I don't want to, unless I wind up doing it by accident, in which case I retroactively declare that I wanted to do that. Yesterday on a Green Line platform there was a can of King Cole brand Vegetarian Beans sitting on the ground. I know that people often think they're helping the homeless by leaving granola bars in public places ("Gee, thanks for the nearly whole ounce of food!") but this was the first time I'd seen canned food put out. Just to make it really insulting to the homeless, they chose a cheap brand -- the good brands can be opened with pull-tabs, but I guess to open a can of King Cole you have to get the train to run over the end of it. Unless you're carrying David Cronenberg's Nine-Bladed Vaginal Ripper. Come on, don't you think most of the people on the subway are carrying imaginary ultraviolent medical instruments, except for the ones who just ride the subway while hoping the train will crash into James Dean's car? I hope Cronenberg never runs out of ideas for disgusting new perversions that people are going to re-enact on the subway on their way to the Boston Public Library. I mean, some of the people in that library are weird even by David Cronenberg's standards. -- K. Also I want that really luxurious hypodermic baseball bat from "Battlefield Baseball" filled with a mixture of all the poisons in the world and all the medical herbs in the world to keep people alive forever while it kills them. (All I currently have is the homeopathic version.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I had an actual physical encounter with a spammer! Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 09:37:50 -0500 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Have any of you guys ever had a similar encounter with a living, > > walking E-mail address harvester? > > Maybe it was a sociological experiment, where a petition is circulated, > demanding the repeal of say, the freedom of speech or the freedom to > enjoy large breasticles. No, because then she would have asked for my name, not my E-mail address. E-mail addresses are only used for online petitions, which are even more of a joke than regular petitions. Signing a petition is just like putting a political bumper sticker a part of your car where nobody can see it. Snopes.com has a wonderful essay (by Barbara Mikkelson) slamming it to both "real" petitions and especially online petitions, though she's a little too tactful to come right out and say anyone who signs an online petition is a wanker with delusions of importance. Here in Boston, people who were trying to get gay marriage outlawed recently circulated a petition to that effect, but they tricked people into signing it by telling them it was a petition to let Stop & Shop sell wine. How they picked that issue to exploit for their scam, I don't know -- maybe they thought that everyone but gay people likes supermarket-brand wine. Not as if having a few extra signatures (over the minimum required to require a vote on the issue) will matter, since I think everyone in the local government knows that half the people in the state support gay marriage and half are against it -- most people who are elected to public office read a newspaper (or had it read to them) every few months. People who are opposed to banning gay marriage set up a Web site (www.KnowThyNeighbor.org) which lists the names and addresses of people who signed it, so that people can check whether their name got onto the list without their consent. But of course some people who did choose to sign it are screaming about how nobody should be able to tell who signed it, because apparently the people who don't like gay marriage thought this was a _secret_ petition. Signing a petition is literally the least someone can do to make a difference, and signing a petition and not wanting to let anyone know you signed it, well, that's just bozotic. Do they think petitions are just like the big cardboard thermometer on PBS pledge drives, showing only a numeric total? I respect people's right to sign a petition expressing whichever view on gay marriage they have, and I respect the rights of other concerned citizens to make such public legislative documents available for the public to see, but people who sign a petition and then get upset when other people can tell they signed it, well, I guess I should also respect the rights of people to be socially-incompetent crybabies. My favorite article on the wine petition scam: [Worcester Telegram & Gazette, last October] -> -> [...] -> -> While employed by the firm, Ms. McElroy said, she saw one of her -> co-workers forge signatures from one petition to the other at the -> Square One Mall in Saugus, re-creating the original signer's -> handwriting and address. She said she questioned the co-worker -> about what he was doing and was told that he was boosting his -> earnings by transferring signatures from petition A, which would -> allow wine sales in grocery stories, to petition K, which would put -> a ban on same-sex marriages on the ballot. -> -> [...] -> -> In a related matter, Lunenburg Police Lt. James Marino said Tuesday -> that police on Oct. 2 arrested a petition signature gatherer -> working for what he said was a California-based company called Arno -> Political Consultants when he refused to leave the Wal-Mart store -> in that town. Police were called to the store after receiving a -> call from the manager saying a man was creating a disturbance -> outside and was blocking the doorway. Police attempted to get the -> man to leave peacefully but he appeared to be "out of control" and -> was waving a document from the secretary of state's office which he -> claimed were his work rules. -> -> Lt. Marino said the document called "Solicitation of Signatures in -> Public Places'' was read by police and they determined the man was -> breaking all of them. Mark Rohbraugh, 27, of 9817 Sprague St., -> Omaha, Neb., was arrested and charged with being disorderly, -> resisting arrest and trespassing after Wal-Mart management asked -> him to leave in the presence of police officers and he refused. He -> was released on personal recognizance and arraigned Oct. 3 in -> Fitchburg District Court. -> -> Mr. Rohbraugh had a sign indicating he was collecting signatures -> for the beer and wine petition, Lt. Marino said. I want to know the details of the "breaking all of them" part. This could be the best Bizarro comic book ever, especially the part where Bizarro marries Superman. (Jimmy Olsen is heartbroken! "But Superman, you cannot marry a man without an original costume! What if the two of you show up to a party wearing the same outfit?") In any case, I support allowing supermarkets to sell the same stuff as liquor stores so as to help drive the 50,000 mom & pop liquor stores in my neighborhood out of business. Plus, my neighborhood could use a real supermarket. -- K. I'm starting a petition that says that people should have to pay ten bucks to sign a petition. That will make all petitions more important, because people will have paid all that money to tell the world that some but not all people feel one way or the other about something they may or may not have read! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I had an actual physical encounter with a spammer! Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 06:58:29 -0500 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So I'm in the subway station, waiting to change trains. I'm sitting > > on a bench doing a Japanese puzzle with a special Japanese pencil. > > (Hey, I need the "Sumo Grip".) > > Another victim of the Sudoku craze? Nuh-uh. I survived Sudoku and because they were way too easy, I've moved onto the hard stuff, ordered direct from Nikoli. I'm saving the poster-size Slither Link map for the next time I'm stranded in a hotel room for a week. I'm scared that it will make me go permanently insane because it so much looks like things I've seen when I've been temporarily insane, like the time I killed all those sheriffs in Texas and -- wait, that never happened. I've never been temporarily insane! Doctor, you gotta help me, I think I'm insane but I'm not! "Hmm. Since you're not insane, I prescribe some Number Link puzzles." "Number Link? Surely you mean Slither Link..." "No, Number Link, so this will be an especially brutal course of treatment for your non-insanity." "Eh, can't be much difference between the two, because they have almost the same name, especially if they spell them in Japanese, because everything printed in Japanese looks like that thing Q*Bert keeps saying. Hey, can I go play Q*Bert now?" "No. Also, you have to eat all the traditional Japanese snacks the cute little animals are enjoying in the margins of the Nikoli puzzle books. You can start with the back of the Masyu book." "Oh, that can't be a big deal, because Masyu puzzles are easy. They're just connect-the-dots with extra rules. Hmm, the penguin and the caterpillar are enjoying those things that have a bamboo stick with the pink ball, the white ball, and the green ball impaled on it. I'll just eat the red one... umm num num num... and now the white one... umm num num... hmm, tastes just like the other one... now the green one... ARGH BLAH YUK!" "But Kibo, that's the flavor of delicious tasty mugwort. It's a close relative of the plant that makes absinthe so poisonous, but completely different. In addition to it being put into bitter-tasting spinach-green Japanese candy, acupuncturists like to dry it out, pile it on your bare chest, and set fire to it to burn holes in your skin. They do this because they enjoy the smell of the smoke, as mugwort contains about one-sixth as much THC as an ordinary household reefer!" "Gee, doc, your knowledge of obscure Asian psychotropic herbs and the horrible-tasting snack foods containing them depicted in the margins of Japanese puzzle books is unsurpassed. But how is this supposed to cure the fact that I'm not insane yet?" "I never said it would." "You implied it." "No, Kibo, I didn't." "Look, I'm writing this dialogue, and I know what I wrote that you said above." "You're not the boss of me just because you exist and I don't. I have free will and more importantly, in the middle of the next sentence you lose the ability to say any word not relating to 'nougat'." "That's crazy. I'd never write something like that, especially because nougat nougat nougat nougaty nougat nougat nougatine nougatliciously nougatacular nougat." "See, Kibo, just because you're writing it doesn't mean the fictional characters aren't in charge of it. Now why don't you be a good non-insane person and show the nice people that photo of the penguin and caterpillar enjoying their Ferengi Glop-On-A-Stick?" "Fine, if it'll get me out of this story before you find some way to drive me insane outside of this story instead of inside of it. Hey peanut gallery, here's a photo I just took..." http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006_01_masyu_snack_0370.jpg "Very good, Kibo. The interesting thing is, you took that photo just to illustrate what I, a fictional character, was talking about. You wouldn't have taken that photo if I hadn't mentioned the bizarro Japanese snacks that double as ninja weapons, and so, since I, still fictitious, have control over your actions, that proves that fictional characters are more real than real people like you." "Hey, I think I've had this conversation before. Are you plagiarizing that episode of 'The Special Show!' I wrote a week and a half ago? There was a character in that who told me the same thing." "Oh, so now not only are people in your stories talking to you, but you even remember them talking to you? There, you are now insane. I win!" "Damn you, Doctor Imaginary. Curse you and your foul-tasting green ball of plasticine on a stick!" "The important thing is that you ate one of those, so you know it's not imaginary, thus proving that bad things are real." "I'm tired of this conversation. I'm going to stop writing about you pushing me around." "Kibo, that wouldn't be a very nice thing to do, and -- WAAH, MY HEAD FELL OFF!" "Excellent, now I can go home." (Kibo opens a little door in the side of the dialogue and steps out, returning to here.) Hey guys, I'm back. So, why is Japan insane? -- K. Wait, real penguins don't like Japanese food! That's why they only live in the Antarctic, because it's the only continent that doesn't have Benihana! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Cars (was: Archie thinks his phone number has cooties) Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 07:14:38 -0500 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > [...] Everyone wants a car. Even those hippies who ride > bikes everywhere secretly are jealous that they can't afford a large > American car that says "Look at moi. Look at moi!". Tim, you might not want to yell "I BET YOU GUYS CRY YOURSELVES TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT OVER YOUR LACK OF CARS!" too loudly as you walk past a Hell's Angels hangout, especially if you do that Miss Piggy voice all the time. Also, Kermit says you're fat. He's replacing you with a much lower-maintenance Muppet, like the Count's bats that are just single shreds of felt dangling limply from prominent wooden sticks. They hardly eat anything when people aren't shaking them up and down to make them look slightly less inanimate. Now hurry up and help Gonzo find where his favorite chicken went. You should be able to find where she's hiding if you just follow the trail of blood. -- K. Cookie Monster eats letters and the Count counts numbers. What would happen if Cookie ate a number? Would the show go off the air forever? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My computer ate my wallpaper Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 07:26:30 -0500 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > it's probably a JPEG. non-BMP images can only be displayed if Active > > Desktop is turned on (which is what "View as webpage" does), and > > Active Desktop is best left off. > > Why? Because you don't know why. Two rules of thumb: 1. If you don't know what something is, switching it on will lead to a security hole. 2. If you don't know what something is, putting its .DLL in your Recycle Bin will make your computer unbootable. 3. I said _two_ rules of thumb. You should have already stopped reading, you bozo! Sheesh, if you can't even follow _my_ simple directions, Bill Gates is gonna eat you alive! Not that he actually does that sort of thing -- usually he cooks people before he eats them. He likes to start at the toes to give him time to think of witty remarks about how Microsoft mice have no balls. -- K. I keep thinking 90% of computer problems would disappear if computers had a little slot where you had to insert a quarter every time any file was modified. Also, all quarters would go directly to me because otherwise Bill Gates would be so rich nobody would be able to make fun of him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My computer ate my wallpaper Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 09:49:08 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > My honestly held opinions make people freak out > > and assume I am a trolling S.O.B. > > It's not that we assume you're trolling. WE *hope*, for *your* sake > that you're trolling. > > Trolling would be the kindest explanation for your bizarre opinions. What if Santa Claus used a Hello Kitty brand power drill to make a hole in Lots42's head to stick that stuff into it? Are you saying Santa Claus and Hello Kitty aren't the kindest people who ever lived? What are you, some sort of sicko who's prejudiced against Santa Claus just because sneaks into people's bedrooms and drills holes in their brains? He does it out of kindness and 50% more wuv than the other leading night-time trepanners, even the Great Pumpkin and the Toilet Ninjas! Also, Lots, I don't see why your opinions should startle anyone -- there are plenty of other people who like everything. -- K. Excuse me, I meant to say "people who like everything except people who buy used comic books from people who like everything". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: CIV IV fun Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 08:17:57 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I like getting the different iced teas from the Chinese grocery stores. You got a few letters out of order there. The "d" goes before the "i", which goes before the "s", which goes before the "eases". What the "c" and "t" are doing in there is no business of mine. Don't you know you can get the same diseases for free outside the market in the parking lot late at night? > The raspberry one is good on a hot day. That's not a Chinese supermarket tea flavor. Real Chinese supermarkets sell bitter melon tea, caterpillar fungus tea, and lots of special teas for problems with a woman's... you know. In the U.S., raspberry iced tea is sold in roundeye supermarkets, usually in the Kool-Aid aisle. I'm partial to green tea with brown sugar, "bubbles" (i.e. Milk Dud guts), and a couple drops of lime oil. Sometimes one drop of lime oil and one of spruce oil if I'm feeling naughty. A blend of peppermint and green tea is good too, except I can't find any peppermint that actually tastes like pepper. Usually peppermint just tastes like mintmint. Today I ate a whole bag of those Japanese habanero potato rings I like, really fast, then immediately ate one of those refrigerated chocolate crepes the Japanese store also sells. The combination of habanero followed by chocolate was an instant massive endorphin blast that made me turn into some sort of cartoon wrestler screaming "X-TREME!!!!" You gotta know what to precede your chocolate with if you want to properly unlock its ability to go bananas in your body. I love those crepes (curious that I have to go to the Japanese grocery store to get good refrigerated French pastries, and no, they don't have them over at the Boulangerie Japonaise where I get my curry-filled doughnuts) but some of the English translations on the ingredients worry me. For instance, "fermented butter". Maybe they're trying to say "cream cheese", or maybe they do mean rancid butter. And the last ingredient is, I hope, a misspelling, because it's "milt protein". But I wouldn't put it past them, since a lot of Japanese pastry and candy does have fish oil or (in the case of marshmallows) fish gelatin. Mmm, tastes swimbladdery! Unfortunately, I think I've now bought the entire stock of habanero potato rings from all the Asian grocery stores in the area, so I'll probably never see them again. I may have to start making my own by grinding up a mixture of dried habanero powder and pork bouillon cubes and sprinkling it on Pringles. (One of the great things about Japanese junk food is they often sneak meat into it. Ever have Spicy Chicken Babystar? It's just as good as eating instant ramen noodles, and don't tell me you've never eaten dry ramen noodles. Everyone secretly does that once in a while.) So where were we? Oh, yeah. My local grocery stores can beat up your local grocery stores. You should move to a continent that's closer to Asia! Fortunately the U.S. is only fifteen miles from Asia, thanks to the Bering Strait the Russkies dug after the people in charge of world maps wouldn't let Edward Teller make it with his bombs. -- K. HA HA CANADA IS TOUCHING THE CONTINENTAL U.S. AND ALASKA TOO! HEY CANADA HOW DOES IT FEEL HAVING TWOOOOO BORDERS WITH THE SAME OBNOXIOUS COUNTRY? NEXT MONTH WE'RE MOVING HAWAII TO LAKE ONTARIO! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: well do beleive that there some in counter that happen Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 17:01:40 -0500 In alt.religion.kibology, carouse_woman@yahoo.com wrote (quoted in full): > > but that god has done cause there are time when you are so down on > yourself and when you pray for thing to help you make it threw at time > god is with you and know you ask for thing at a time and nothing > happen okay , but he is there watching okay why he does help all the > time is be on me okay Worst James Joyce novel ever -- should have gone on at least another thousand pages. Also it needs that chick who can somehow peel off her skin to reveal Roy Scheider underneath, and a talking dolphin, and hundreds of smiling Carl Sagan heads going down an assembly line, and a helicopter trying to land in a giant vat of chopped feathers, and a gun that gives people eyeglasses that don't fit right, and a funny clown made entirely of clear Jell-O, and a slow-motion explosion coming out of Anson Williams's hair, and a dinner mint which is a whole dinner including dessert which would be another dinner mint embedded in one corner of the dinner mint, and a free puppy for everyone who doesn't want a puppy, and Roy Scheider playing basketball with a bowling ball made from his own skin, and a pregnancy test that's wrong 100% of the time making it more reliable than the ones which are right 99.9% of the time, and a sneeze guard over Ronald McDonald's grave, and an asteroid hitting Barbara Walters, and some sort of liquid that makes squeaking noises. Now _that_ would be good incoherent theology! Also needs a chimp, just like the Bible. -- K. EAT MY THEOLOGY ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Delayed review:Rose Bowl (WasRe: Instant Review: Crackerjacks and Longhorn band outfits Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 18:23:54 -0500 Tim Serpas (wretch@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The only picture I could find (during a quick Web search) showing > > the Longhorns band uniforms is from 2001. If they haven't restyled > > since then, they've got burnt orange blazers with white fringed > > shoulders, black string ties, and white cowboy hats that don't fit right. > > [from a www.dailytexanonline.com article] > -> > -> The basic idea of the uniform has stayed the same, but a few small > -> changes have been made in order to make the students look taller and > -> more distinguished on the field, such as making the jackets shorter. See, this is why I love you people. You're a lot better at this than the people who do Archimedes Plutonium's research. They can't even deign to look up atomic weights on the Periodic Table for him when he demands that they do so because the King Of Science is too busy with science to learn how to find the Periodic Table in the back of the dictionary. Basically, now the jackets are cut off abruptly at the waist so that everyone looks like they have their jackets tucked into their pants. Also, the orange color seems to be a lot brighter, but that could just be because this is the first time in ten years they've had clean uniforms: -> "It's great to be the first to wear them," said Chisholm, a -> kinesiology senior. "The 'white' overlay on the 10-year-old -> uniforms was looking more and more yellow and gross. It's really -> neat that we get to be the first ones to wear these and show -> a new style to incoming Longhorns." These must be like the Disneyland costumes, where they get passed on from person to person so that everyone who works at Disneyland gets the same scabies. -> "The fitted jackets also add a lot of height to the band," -> said Kim Shuttlesworth, who doesn't wear the new uniform, -> but an individually designed one as the band's only female -> drum major this year. -> -> Shuttlesworth, a music studies senior, was able to design -> her own uniform this year that "follows the same idea of -> previous drum majors, but with more femininity." There's nothing more feminine than a band uniform, except perhaps a cheerleader uniform. Our nation's feminists have done a great service by making cheerleaders dress that way. -> Shuttlesworth added fringe and a Bevo emblem to her uniform, -> which allude to the idea that the band is becoming just as -> fashion-oriented as it is music-oriented. Bevo? I have no idea what that is... oh, wait, dim childhood memory... Bevo was that remote-controlled Radio Shack toy car with an old wig over it, chasing Robin Williams around as he tiredly says "Shazbot!" in the third season. I think the band should just switch to red jumpsuits with a big silver triangle on the front. Then the band could be as spaz- oriented as it is fashion-oriented. The mascot could be whatever you get when you give Robin Williams some special nose candy. At least until he gets sued by whichever other mascot he steals his entire act from. -> Over the years, the Longhorn Band uniforms have undergone -> many makeovers, but have kept the style that reflects the -> Texas cowboy tradition. In 1900, the first uniform, a white -> linen duster and a white cap with a black bill, was adopted -> as the Longhorn uniform, only to be updated again in 1928 to -> include a sweater, bow tie and fez. Those Texas cowboys with their sweaters and fezzes, herding cattle while riding their tiny cars! Seriously... cowboys had fezzes? What's next, ninjas in bowler derbies? Hey, that's actually a good idea. It would be like if Oddjob had his choice of killing people with his hat or many less ridiculous ninja powers. -> Later an element known as "super fringe," longer white fringe, -> was added to the ensemble. At one point band members also dotted -> a large Bevo design on the back of the uniforms, rather than -> the current embroidered "TEXAS." White pants were a fashion -> statement ultimately retired by the band directors, because the -> pants got dirty too easily. Okay, fine, you goaded me into it, I'll look up "Bevo". [www.mackbrown-texasfootball.com] => => At halftime, two West Texas cowboys dragged a => half-starved and frightened longhorn steer onto the => field, where it was formally presented to the UT student => body by a group of Texas Exes. => => [...] => => Why did Ben Dyer dub the longhorn Bevo, instead of => another name? The most popular theory has been that it => was borrowed from the label of a new soft drink. "Bevo" => was the name of a non-alcoholic "near beer" produced by => the Anheuser-Busch brewery in Saint Louis. Introduced in => 1916 as the national debate over Prohibition threatened => the company's welfare, the drink was extremely popular => through the 1920s. Over 50 million cases were sold => annually in fifty countries. Anheuser-Busch named the new => drink "Bevo" as a play on the term "pivo," the Bohemian => word for beer. It was the first beer that could skip over commercials, but people hated the way instead of making drunks hiccup it made them go "baBOOP baBOOP! DING!" Then they'd stagger around in a room filled with hundreds of colored gumballs, and insist that everyone watch "Sesame Street". (New TiVos don't have the gumball animation -- they now have an even stranger one where the scary vowel-faced TiVo critter re-enacts the entire history of television, such as the era when everyone owned a Philco Predicta. I wish they'd bring back all the other original interstitial animations so that I could hate them all too.) -> Besides the recent change in jacket style, the pants, hats -> and bow ties on the uniform have also experienced a makeover -- -> and one that has not evoked protest from students. The hats -> are more Western and not as flat as in previous years, while -> the "Colonel Sanders bow tie" has been replaced by a customized -> $50 Longhorn bolo tie. The "Aztec" stripe on the side of the -> pants has been made thinner to enhance image presented to the -> distant crowd. After all, appearances are necessary to keep -> up when the eyes of Texas are upon you. I think the new uniforms look even more like something that should be followed by the words "I'm here to deliver your Strippergram." Real cowboys don't wear form-fitting orange jackets with big fluffy pom-poms growing out of the shoulder pads. Also, I still say all sports halftime shows should just be the public execution of anyone who plays a sport other than hockey. Plus the game should end promptly when the atomic Air-Wick explodes. -- K. Real cowboys don't play Sousaphones, but I'd let them have Seussaphones. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: the poor shopping carts Date: Sat, 14 Jan 2006 01:18:50 -0500 From the international news scene, also known as "Idiots On Parade Around The World". [news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> Trolleys torn apart for one-pound coins -> -> Vandals took apart dozens of supermarket trolleys in the -> mistaken belief they contained one-pound coins. -> -> The would-be thieves targeted 83 shopping carts at Lidl's -> supermarket on Essington Way in Peterlee, County Durham, in the -> early hours of Tuesday. -> -> They took apart the handles of each trolley before stacking them -> in a neat pile in a black bin bag left nearby. -> -> Police believe they did not realise the one-pound coins are -> returned when shoppers take the trolleys back. -> -> [...] -> -> A Durham Police spokesman said: "We can only guess that those -> responsible have never used a supermarket trolley before, -> otherwise they would know where the money goes." Maybe they were Americans. Our shopping carts don't require you to insert a dollar to use them, mainly because the United States has no dollar coin and has never had a dollar coin. Instead, American shopping carts just have wheels which magically explode if the cart is used in an unsavory manner. I've never seen the you-lose-your-dollar-if-you-steal-me carts while traveling around the United States to visit our nation's supermarkets, but I have seen them in Canada, where they do have coins worth almost a dollar. Now, here's the part that makes me think these guys were not just Americans, but unusually dumb Americans: They didn't find any coins inside the first 82 carts... so they took apart the 83rd. Sometimes the only people who have long attention spans are idiots. Oh, also, the smart parts of the United States say "shopping cart", because "shopping trolley" sounds like something Mr. Rogers would have if he were gay. -- K. He wasn't gay, although Daniel Striped Tiger was. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the poor shopping carts Date: Sun, 15 Jan 2006 01:33:51 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, also, the smart parts of the United States say "shopping cart", > > because "shopping trolley" sounds like something Mr. Rogers would > > have if he were gay. > > They call them "shopping buggies" around here. That's just weird. Does this make the rubber bars you're supposed to put between different people's groceries on the checkout belt "rubber baby buggy bumpers"? Of course, most markets these days have molded plastic divider bars, but one supermarket around here still has old-timey rubber ones, so I assume they're common in whatever backwards part of the planet still uses the word "buggies" for anything other than the brand name of Microsoft's new cereal. > I'm confused about what Mr. Rogers would have been if he said that though. A hillbilly? > Into inter-species sex with cross-dressing penguins, shirley? PLEASE POST ALL THAT MR. ROGERS / GUMMIKRANKENSCHWESTER PORN YOU JUST IMAGINED -- K. Also please post a picture of Daniel Striped Tiger eating Mr. Rogers's hand. Damn, I miss Mr. Rogers. Who's left for the kids these days? All I know is they seem to like some guy named G. T. Auto. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the penguin famicom Date: Sun, 15 Jan 2006 20:58:08 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > I broke down today and bought one of those NES clones from the mall. > This one was a little different from the others, and had a few extra > things going for it: > > First of all, it's wireless, and the base station looks like a > penguin, with little red LED's for eyes. Adorable. "Duh, gee, Tennessee Tuxedo, we broke the zoo's Nintendo Entertainment System and now we have to build a replacement! Tennessee, how does an NES work?" "I don't know, Chulmey, let's go ask Mr. Whoopee! Mr. Whoopee, can you make me an NES?" "Sure! Just let me insert these LEDs into your eye sockets..." *POKE* *POKE* "Ow! Mr. Whoopee, were you really supposed to poke my eyes out!" "Um... sure, Tennessee! You said 'make me an NES' and I made you an NES!" "I don't get it." "You see, when you said the phrase 'make me an NES', for comedic purposes I mis-interpreted its connotation as 'make me into an NES' rather than as the intended 'make an NES for me', and the result was hilarious eye-gouging." "I still don't get it." "See, it's funny when I do this." *POKE* *POKE* "Ow! You poked my eyes out too!" "Sorry, Bullwinkle!" "Also, neither of us gets it." *POKE* *POKE* *POKE* *POKE* "Ow! Our frontal lobes! One on each side of each of us! Say, Mr. Whoopee, how did my frontal lobes work?" "That's easy, Tennessee. Let me show you and Chumley and Bullwinkle all about the brain, using my Three-Dimensional Blackboard, the 3DBB. You see, your brain, like the rest of your body, is composed of circles and cylinders with a black outline that makes skin." "Wait... the graphics of your 3DBB are even crappier than those of the NES that you installed where most of my brain used to be! Don't you agree, Bullwinkle?" "I dunno, I'm busy drooling." Then there's a poem. The end. > [...] > > And I discovered that the Wizardry cartridge I bought from Japan two > years ago has a language selection, so I can play the game in English! > > The battery is still good, so the cartridge is full of some Japanese > guy's dead and unconscious Level-13 characters. I'm surprised it > kept this long. I wonder if the player could have ever guessed that > his characters would have loitered in some American's closet for > two years and been rediscovered. > > Since someone must have spent a lot of time building these characters, > I thought I'd post their names before deleting them. I only recognized > the original forms of two of them, Rachel and Kaiser. He could have > spelled the names in hiragana or letters, but didn't. > > Erusaremu , Evil Human Ninja (OUT) > Shanguria , Neutral Human Mage > Sarutosu , Evil Gnome Priest > Rachel , Good Elf Bishop > Gurashieeru , Good Gnome Lor* > Iriizu , Neutral Human Sam* > Kamanveeru , Neutral Elf Mage > Kaiser , Neutral Dwarf Fighter > Iijisu , Neutral Human Thief Oh, I wish you'd posted that list earlier, because I spent most of the day dressed as a Yakuza ('cause I had to read a vitamin commercial into a microphone in the pretend year 1937) and I retroactively call dibs on "ERUSAREMU EVIL HUMAN NINJA" as my Yakuza name. Instead all I got on my nametag was James \'Kibo\' Parry Chicken Heart ...because I was engaged in a conspiracy to terrorize Baby Bill Cosby. And thus I had a hard time deciding whether to use the microphone to say "...gain glorious new strength and pep and pounds!" or "baboobabooba ubba dobooba booba dubbabooba, Baby Fat Albert!" The backslashes mean I'm special. Regular slashes would be special enough, but backwards slashes are what give me the power to retro-terrorize Bill Cosby all those years ago with my time-reversed EVIL HUMAN NINJA powers. My EVIL HUMAN NINJA powers are brought to you by Ironized Yeast tablets. Friends, did you get that name? It's Ironized Yeast tablets. Ironized Yeast Ironized Yeast Ironized Yeast Ironized Yeast I AM ERUSAREMU EVIL HUMAN NINJA, BOW DOWN BEFORE MY IRONIZED YEAST! -- K. Bow or I will backslash your face, Tennessee Tuxedo! "Help, Mr. Whoopee! An EVIL HUMAN NINJA is trying to keep me from learning how a Nintendo works! But fortunately I'm learning all about Ironized Yeast!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Heart Attack! (was: the penguin famicom) Date: Sun, 15 Jan 2006 21:29:34 -0500 I wrote: > > Oh, I wish you'd posted that list earlier, because I spent most of the > day dressed as a Yakuza ('cause I had to read a vitamin commercial into > a microphone in the pretend year 1937) [...] Just so you know I'm not making anything up, here's the actual radio script from 1937, shortened slightly. Welcome to Radio Theater Of The Mind! KIBO Ironized Yeast presents... DR. ALBERTS Women, women, women, women, women, women, women! I hate women especially because I am a scientist. Here is the isolated, extirpated chicken heart, kept alive by a mixture of Hartman's Heart Reagent and Hartbrain's Brain Heartiness Fluid. WOMAN I just remembered there's a sale on seamed nylons at a store on the other side of this apparatus! Let's knock it out of our way! FX: SCIENTIFIC APPARATUS CRASHING JUST LIKE FIBBER McGEE'S CLOSET DR. ALBERTS The experiment, ruined! And unknown chemicals spilled on the precious heart! DR. TWICE Dr. Alberts, Dr. Alberts! Come quickly, come quickly! The heart, the heart! It's escaped! It's escaped! DR. ALBERTS Slow down, young man, you're almost as insane as a woman! FX: SOUND OF HEART BEATING DR. TWICE The heart, the heart! It's eating Dr. Atkins, it's eating him! Dr. Atkins! FX: SOUND OF HEART EATING DR. ALBERTS The world is doomed! Doooooooooooooomed! I must escape in my aeroplane! Goodbye, doomed giant masses of tiny men below! FX: AIRPLANE NOT FLYING VERY WELL DR. ALBERTS The aeroplane is about to crash into that hideous mass of hearty evil! And the world is doooooooomed! Because of women! FX: SOUND OF PLANE BEING SUCKED INTO HEART FX: REALLY TINY GONG KIBO We'll be back next week with further adventures brought to you by Ironized Yeast. Ironized Yeast. Now it even works on women. -- K. Can you really blame Dr. Alberts for not liking women? After all, they did destroy the world without a good reason. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Heart Attack! (was: the penguin famicom) Date: Sun, 15 Jan 2006 21:50:48 -0500 I just wrote: > > KIBO > Ironized Yeast presents... > > DR. ALBERTS > Women, women, women, women, women, women, women! > I hate women especially because I am a scientist. > Here is the isolated, extirpated chicken heart, > kept alive by a mixture of Hartman's Heart Reagent > and Hartbrain's Brain Heartiness Fluid. Is it too late to change the last phrase to "Hartbrain's Brain Heartiness Balm"? Brain balm trumps brain fluid. DEAR SCIENTISTS OF THE WORLD PLEASE SWITCH TO BRAIN BALM NOW. Of course, even brain balm isn't as powerful as Ironized Yeast. Here's an experiment you can do at home: Next time you're making a chicken heart pie, just take one of the hundreds of chicken hearts and dip it in a mixture of Ironized Yeast and Seidlitz Powder. Then, stand way back! -- K. Isn't there a really sick Japanese movie called "Brain Balm Baseball"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: simulation Date: Mon, 16 Jan 2006 00:14:07 -0500 "plorkwort" (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > From Huxley, T. H. "On the Hypothesis that Animals are Automata, and its > History." 1874. > > -> What proof is there that brutes are other than a superior race of > -> marionettes, which eat without pleasure, cry without pain, desire > -> nothing, know nothing, and only simulate intelligence as a bee > -> simulates a mathematician? > > This is obviously taken from (and indeed cites) a Cartesian view printed > in Feuillet de Conches, Meditations Metaphysiqaues et Correspondance de N. > Malebranch, 1841, which states: > > -> Ils mangent sans plaisir, ils crient sans douleur; ils croissent sans > -> le scavoir, ils ne desirent rien; ils ne connoissent rien; et s'ils > -> agissent avec adresse et d'une maniere qui marque l'intelligences, c'es > -> que Dieu les faisant pour les conserver. > > My questions are: > > 1. How did the bee slip in in translation? "Stingingly?" asked Tom Swift questioningly. > B. How does a bee simulate a mathematician? Bees have proven it's impossible for mathematicians to fly. Me, I know that bees can't do that, therefore I have proved it's impossible for bees to prove it's impossible for mathematicians to fly, therefore mathematicians can fly. If someone poops on your car in the middle of the night, it's probably a mathematician. > iii. Why didn't they use giant pulsating space lobsters to simulate > mathematicians? Because it's easier to just make mathematicians out of elbow macaroni, glitter, and that special glue that George Lucas uses when he makes all the "Star Wars" costumes. > IV. Is that what happened to Buettner? Daniel Buettner is not a baby bumblebee. However, he's busy ghostknitting a bunch of "Star Wars" costumes for a famous movie producer whose name I can't reveal but is making "SOMETHING SOMETHING Episode VII". Either that or he accidentally got killed by last week's episode of "MythBusters". Either that or he's too small to see without special eyeglasses so big that their gravitational attraction pulls your eyeballs out of their sockets. Either that or he found out that the people who run the Federal Witness Protection Program are trying to kill him so he asked the government to hide him from itself. Either that or he accidentally fell into a volcano full of naturally-occurring Lysol. Either that or he invented a new yellow and black camo pattern that makes him invisible while he stands in front of that baby bumblebee. -- K. Either that or the bee ate him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Challenge Of Identical Reality! Date: Mon, 16 Jan 2006 00:24:07 -0500 It's The Challenge Of Identical Reality! You win $1,000,000,000,000,000,000.39 if you can tell these reality shows apart! Ready? Go! "Nanny 911" & "Supernanny" Sorry, nobody wins the $1,000,000,000,000,000,000.39! But care to double your nothing? Ready? Go! "Trauma: Life In The ER" & "Untold Stories Of The ER" Bzzt! Oh, what a pity! Can you break your incredible losing streak? Ready? Go! "Texas SWAT" & "Dallas SWAT" Too bad, you bozo! But you still have one last chance at the big money! Just tell apart any two of these five identical reality shows! Rea--GO!!! "24" & "30 Days" & "48 Hours" & "60 Minutes" & "Real Time With Bill Maher" Aww! Looks like I'll have to keep the $1,000,000,000,000,000,000.39! Well, better luck next time! And that's the end of tonight's episode of "The Challenge Of Identical Reality", which is the same show as "Identical Reality Showdown" and "I Cloned Something Boring"! -- K. Also, I'm the same guy as Albert Einstein... or should I say... Albert Me-Stein! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.mega-ego.yonderboy Subject: Re: RIP Vinnie Schiavelli Date: Mon, 16 Jan 2006 01:45:34 -0500 Alex Suter (asuter@xenon.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > [talking at Alex Suter] > > > > Also I watched all the credits for K-19 Widowmaker and saw your name > > on it, but I did not shout "rhymes with butter!" > > When I saw it in the theater, by the time the credits rolled > to my name I was the only one there. > > So rather than shouting, I just covered myself in butter and > called it a day. Yes, but I took a tour of the Russian submarine used in "K*19: The Widowmaker" during the short period between getting a full-on concussion and realizing that I had a full-on what's that word? I fail to see what any of this has to do with Vincent Schiavelli, oh yeah, "concussion". Who were we talking about? I never want to hit my head again, because I worry that if I had hit it just a little harder it might have turned me into one of those people who writes letters to inanimate objects. DEAR CHEERIOS YOUR BOX IS TO YELLOW DEAR JANITOR IN A DRUM WHAT KIND OF DRUM DEAR APPLE COMPUTER YOU SMELL LIKE PLASTIC STOP GETTING HOT DEAR CAN OF PRINGLES YOUR FACE STILL SCARES ME DEAR BAG OF ICE BRRRR DEAR ROACH MOTEL STOP GETTING STUCK TO MY HAND SO HARD DEAR BABY ASPIRIN HOW IS THE BABY SUPPOSED TO OPEN YOU DEAR POLICE SCANNER ITS ALL BORING STUFF EXCEPT WHEN ITS STATICY DEAR UNDERPANTS DONT ITCH DEAR PHILIPS BOOTLEG DVD PLAYER WHY DOES YOUR REMOTE HAVE TO BE SO SUCKY JUST SO I CAN WATCH PORN DEAR JUNIOR MINTS YOUR UGLY AND SHOULD BE GREEN DEAR HARLEY DAVIDSON BELT BUCKLE I NEED A BELT DEAR GE FLUORESCENT LIGHT TUBE I COULD MAKE A LIGHT SABER OUT OF YOU IF SCIENTISTS KNEW HOW DEAR DUCT TAPE IS SOMETHING WRONG BECAUSE I LIKE HOW YOU SMELL DEAR WHITE CASTLE BURGERS GET BIG SOMEDAY BECAUSE YOUR EXPENSIVE DEAR LITTLE PUZZLE WITH METAL BEADS INSIDE I CANT DO YOU BUT I DIDNT THROW YOU OUT WHY DEAR TIVO STOP MAKING ME GAY DEAR VHS TAPE "THE HISTORY OF PINBALL" IM AFRAID TO WATCH YOU BECAUSE I MIGHT BE EVEN MORE DISAPPOINTED THAN I EXPECT DEAR OPTICAL MOUSE YOU ARE A LASER AND YES IM AFRAID DEAR REFRIGERATOR STOP PEEING ON MY FOOD DEAR KAFFIYA I DONT KNOW HOW TO SPELL OR WEAR YOU DEAR TAPE MEASURE RULERS DONT GET TANGLED DEAR COKE WITH LEMON I DONT WANT EITHER DEAR CONDOMS YOUR SO OLD GET OUT OF MY WALLET DEAR PAINTBALL GUN I WISH I COULD HURT PEOPLE HARDER WITH YOU DEAR LAVA LAMP I KEEP YOU UNPLUGGED BECAUSE YOU USE ELECTRICITY DEAR TELEPHONE SHUT UP DEAR WHATEVER GAVE ME A CONCUSSION YOUR HARD AND MEAN -- K. Oh, and Harrison, you can _read_ those lines, you just can't _say_ 'em with a Russian accent. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.mega-ego.yonderboy Subject: Re: RIP Vinnie Schiavelli Date: Mon, 16 Jan 2006 23:48:47 -0500 Alex Suter (asuter@xenon.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > DEAR TIVO > > STOP MAKING ME GAY > > This is an important observation and I think more > attention should be brought to the subject. It's > an open secret in Silicon Valley that Tivo, the > popular Digital Video Recording system that can be > used to "pause" "live" television and see Janet > Jackson's nipple, is engineered specifically to make > you gay. Wait... do you mean it was engineered specifically to make people gay? Or that it was engineered to make me, specifically, gay? Would TiVo have gone bankrupt if I had stayed married to television's female actress Barbara Bain? > [...] > > Other consumer products that are designed as gay > recruitment devices include the Treo 650, The > Wiggles DVD products, the iPod Nano (but, oddly > enough, not the rest of their product line), > Tempurpedic mattresses, and, of course, The > Washington Monument. Excuse me, but I would like to point out that _all_ of Apple's products are extraordinarily gay, from the original iBook (which was officially advertised on posters as the "WORLD'S GAYEST COMPUTER", at least in a dream I had) to the various jellyfish-shaped subwoofers and especially the original USB mouse -- the one that was made from a urinal cake. > As for Tivo, I credit the remote. I think you know > why. > > Ba-doop ba-doop! I liked the Sony TiVo remotes (which were, like most modern remote controls, shaped vaguely like "Star Trek: The Next Generation" phasers) and wore most of the silver paint off all the ones I had. But my new TiVo (the no-brand Humax one with an adjustable night light on the front) has one of those damn "peanut" remotes copies from the old Philips TiVo units. I hate the peanut remote. The thing's not only symmetrical end-to-end but also rotationally around its long axis, so it's really hard to orient it when you pick it up unless you're shining your TiVo's built-in floodlight directly on the remote. The buttons are in awkward places, there are some which don't do anything ("Window"?) and the peanut remotes have never had the "Now Playing" button -- one of the most frequently-needed buttons. Now, to get to the "Now Playing" screen, you have to press the creepy "TiVo Face" button twice, but since the units are sluggish and have no keystroke buffer, you actually have to press it once, wait for the screen to finish changing color, then you're allowed to press it again. If you just attempt to double-click the button it misses the second click, so you have to go "click... yawn... click." I don't think the peanut remote makes people gay, I think it makes them werewolves, because you can only reach the number buttons if you have a dewclaw. One gets the feeling it was designed by people trying to make it as difficult to use as possible. "Let's put the 'Enter' button four inches to the south of the notch where your hand is supposed to grip the slippery peanut!" I detest the peanut remote, but sadly my old Sony remotes aren't interoperable with the other brands of TiVo hardware as far as I know. (The innards of the Sony and Philips TiVo boxes were actually identical -- from the same factory, I'm given to understand -- but I paid extra to get the Sony ones just because Sony knows how to design push-buttons.) Hell, even the Sony WebTV had a better remote than anything Philips or Humax ever made. Shocking, but true: one model of WebTV was actually better than something else in some way! -- K. DEAR PEANUT REMOTE WHY WONT YOU HELP ME WATCH MORE TV ALSO IF YOU SEE MY CAR KEYS TELL THEM TO TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: SUPPLIERS FOR FURNITURE Date: Tue, 17 Jan 2006 03:23:24 -0500 In alt.religion.kibology, fan_deqian@yahoo.com.cn spamvertized: > > Recommended site for furniture buyers: > > WWW.TMHOMER.COM "By combining the power of Transcendental Meditation and Homer Simpson, anyone can possess the power of Yogic Flying while snacking on fried foods. Now, close your big spherical eyes and chant the mystical mantra: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Mmm, nirvana... (slobbering noises)" > Top Master Co., Ltd, located in Lecong Town, "the Furniture Capital > of China", is the E.M.C. (Export Management Company) of 8 furniture > factories and a professional agent company specializing in providing > buying solution for furniture importer/wholesalers worldwide. I could make a "top master" joke, but I don't want to. > We can supply sofa, metal-glass furniture and hotel furniture with > supreme quality standard and competitive prices. As the son corp. of > Dongma Group of Companies and the cooperative business of Lecong > Association of Individual and Private Enterprises, it is also one of > the largest rubber wood importers in southern China. I could make a "largest rubber wood" joke, but I don't want to, especially because I am very respectful of the way Chinese people are so neurotic about how small their largest rubber wood is. Speaking of cheap shoddy hotel furniture, yesterday I was attending a convention at a cheezy old hotel where the chairs in the function rooms were a remarkably horrible attempt to make cheap institutional furniture look like French Regency stuff that came out of some sort of giant gumball machine. Not only did each chair have anodized aluminum legs and a molded plastic carrying handle sticking out of the top of the flowery upholstery, but the chairs were edged in gold-tone nylon rope -- which was encased in clear plastic tubing running around the outside of each chair. I kept thinking the chairs should have had colored water bubbling through them like an old Rock-Ola. In the future, will all furniture have its trim individually encased in clear plastic hoses? I want a French Regency Philco Predicta covered in plastic tubing with a futuristic ant farm living in the tubes. The ants would wear little gold capes to make it even classier. Then I would put a hundred of those in the same function room to make that room an orgy of classiness. I would have taken a photo of these chairs with the classy aquarium tubing all over them, but as you know cameras are no longer permitted in any place which is either a public place or private property. But at least I think you can still be buried with your camera. -- K. Somewhere in China, someone is paid three cents a week to shove fake gold rope into plastic tubing. And every night they leave their crappy job to go home and sit on the only chair they can afford to buy, which is made from nettles and boogers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's a game show with gay people sitting behind a desk, and... zzz. Date: Tue, 17 Jan 2006 07:15:27 -0500 [www.advocate.com] -> -> Game Show Network commits to all-gay I've Got a Secret (aka "The U.S. Army") -> The Game Show Network announced Thursday that it will begin -> airing a revival of the classic show I've Got a Secret on -> April 17. The twist for this new version is that everyone on -> the panel of celebrities is openly gay. Doing their best to -> guess the secrets of contestants will be radio host Frank DeCaro, Who? -> comedian Suzanne Westenhoefer, Who? -> retired major leagueÊbaseball player Billy Bean, Who? -> and Broadway performer Jermaine Taylor. Who? -> Burt Dubrow Productions will produce the show, which will be -> hosted by BilDwyer (Extreme Dodgeball, I Love the 80s). Who? What? I guess it's just too bad that there are no famous gay people. (*COUGH* *COUGH* CAST OF "STAR TREK" *COUGH* *COUGH*) A game show with gay people on it is nothing new -- but a game show where all the "celebrities" are even less famous than me, well, that's novel. I bet Suzanne Westenhoefer's never even been the answer to an awkwardly-written "Trivial Pursuit" question. I'd volunteer to be on the show's lame panel but I've already committed to hosting "Match Game 2137" in a hundred and thirty-one years, and my contract's non-compete clause says I can't be on any other crappy shows until 2138, but maybe I could be on some sort of 4-D smellovision revival of "I've Got A Secret" if the idea of "Look! People of the same sexual orientation on the same show!" is still considered something other than a sad attempt at a gimmick. Also, I lied, I heard of Frank DeCaro once. He used to be on one of those "E!" shows that was transmitted at only half the frame rate of real television, which is why I have trouble remembering him -- I keep assuming he was just a Hanna-Barbera character. I think June Foray did his voice. -- K. I asked my TiVo for suggestions and it dialed up the Game Show Network and told them to show more gay game shows. TiVos can't help the way they are. They were made with gay wires. I heard the Japanese just invented something that's like a TiVo except that instead of assuming everyone's gay it just adds upskirt shots to everything.