Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Do you like green? [reposted] Date: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 04:29:43 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 22 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-138-185.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138094973 29626 206.15.138.185 (24 Jan 2006 09:29:33 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 09:29:33 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594067 Uh oh, here comes a meme! [www.sfgate.com] -> -> [...] -> -> The suit accuses Bertone of pouring a "green-like substance" -> on one neighbor's car in response to a complaint. I nominate "green-like substance" as this week's handiest new catchphrase, especially useful when discussing the upper left section of any TV dinner. And I will pay the plaintiff ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS if they upgrade their lawsuit to include the phrase "SO MUCH GREEN-LIKE SUBSTANCE IT IS ALL OVER YOU SCREEN". -- K. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go cover something with a substance-like concept. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I had an actual physical encounter with a spammer! [reposted] Date: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 04:30:30 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 230 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-138-185.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138095026 28691 206.15.138.185 (24 Jan 2006 09:30:24 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 09:30:24 +0000 (UTC) Summary: Not just a repost, but also hammering away at points I've made before. X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594068 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > > > Another victim of the Sudoku craze? > > > > The "Sudoko" puzzle's been running in Dell Pencil Puzzles for at least > > 25 years as "Number Logic." But NOW, it's JAPANESE so it's NEW!! > > Fukken media ignorami. > > Sudoku is a cooler name. If you play Number Logic, jocks take your > lunch money. If you play Sudoku, you meet your vegan girlfriend at > yoga class, which is marginally better than getting your lunch money > taken by jocks. Typical conversation I had on the subway five years ago if I was reviewing photos on my Sony or Nikon camera: THEM (pointing to glowing video screen on the camera) Is that a DIGITAL camera? ME Um... yeah? THEM You must be some sort of nerd I heard those are really expensive I'll pay you five dollars if you take my picture and E-mail it to this place I want to get a date at. Typical conversation I have when taking a friend to a Japanese restaurant: ME Here, try this. THEM (looking at a generic California roll) What... is... this? ME It's sushi. THEM I won't eat that! Sushi is always made entirely from raw fish! ME Most sushi doesn't have raw fish. THEM Sushi is always made entirely from raw fish! ME This one's not raw fish. Does that look like a fillet of anything? THEM Sushi is always made entirely from raw fish! ME Some types of sushi don't contain any fish. This only contains a cube of an artificially-colored pink fish stick which I guarantee you was cooked at least eight ways while it was being extruded. It can't possibly be raw fish. THEM Sushi is always made entirely from raw fish entirely from raw fish entirely from raw fish error 601 entirely from raw fish! Typical conversation I have when talking about movies: ME I like Yakuza movies. THEM I don't know what those are. ME Those are a type of Japanese violent action movie. THEM Oh yeah, I know everything about those. Those are kung-fu movies. ME No, they're Japanese movies, kung-fu is Chinese, and besides, Yakuza movies don't have kung-fu in them. THEM All Asian movies are kung-fu movies. Except for the 90% of Asian movies that are about Godzilla. Typical conversation I have now on the subway: THEM (putting their finger between me and the Japanese puzzle book I'm writing in) Is that Sudoku? ME No, it's something completely different. THEM But it's Japanese. Therefore it's Sudoku. I love Sudoku as much as you do! ME It's not Sudoku. I gave up Sudoku because it was too easy and uninteresting. This ain't Sudoku. See how it doesn't even look like Sudoku? THEM That's Sudoku, I'd know it anywhere because I have the world's highest Sudoku score. ME (begins drawing on their face with my mechanical pencil) The lesson to be learned: If you like anything made in Japan, it will make everyone you talk to stupider, and you'll wish you could move into a dimension where people said stupid things in a less predictable manner, such as Al Jaffe cartoon. ("Are you DOING a PUZZLE?" "No, you CLOD, I'm the WORLD'S WORST COUNTERFEITER." Then the page gets folded in, crushing them.) The conversations are even more interesting if it's one of the classes of Japanese puzzles that people can choose to mis-interpret as a "connect the dots" puzzle. Actual quote from someone when I explained that my Slither Link book wasn't Sudoku: "So... you can just draw the lines anywhere?" I hate to think what would happen if I tried doing a Masyu puzzle in public. But Masyu's too easy -- like Bridges and Ripple Effect -- so I don't plan on taking those books anywhere. (Masyu's the prettiest, but come on, it's not challenging.) I never can remember the names of these damn things -- Nikoli alone publishes Slither Link, Number Link, Number Place, and Ripple Effect, which are easy to confuse because of their names or the types of make-work activities involved. No, wait, Number Place isn't one of Nikoli's, it one of those Japanese puzzles that Dell ripped off from the Japanese before they even invented it. But good thing Number Place is nothing like that other completely different Dell puzzle you said was ripped off from Sudoku. I guess they all do look alike if you have some sort of organic brain disorder which causes the entire class of rectangular items to match each other. But then when you get off the subway you'll try to make a S'mores by putting a marshmallow and a license plate between two screen windows. But I'd think even someone with total simultagnosia would be able to tell Slither Link from Sudoku because one would be a cloud of corners with some zeroes and dots orbiting around it, and the other would be a ball of gridwork. Also Slither Link goes up to poster size but no human has yet designed an order-5 Sudoku. I tried, but my computer doesn't have enough processing power to do it for me. (Rule of thumb: If you can write a program that makes a particular class of puzzle, that class of puzzle's too easy.) I think newspaper Sudoku became popular precisely because they're so quick and easy to solve that you can do them at the office in order to extend your lunch break by another five minutes, like the Jumble or Isaac Asimov's Super Quiz. One of the big Slither Link puzzles from the back of the book might take an hour or two, plus you might occasionally have to put the book away for a week to wait for your brain cells to randomly depolarize to enter a state of readiness to guess which part of the unfinished puzzle requires a deep-lookahead tree search. Sudoku puzzles are solved with the same cognitive skills uses to win at tic-tac-toe, big Slither Link puzzles use more of the Go part of your brain -- Sudoku is all about scanning the rows and columns to see what the only remaining digit that can go there is, while advanced Slither Link puzzles require deep enough lookahead that you have to intuitively prune the giant search tree by having some instinct where the clever part of the grid is, in much the same way that humans can still sometimes beat computers at chess because human grandmasters have that automatic sense as to which parts of the board have that glowing aura that means "something feels important here." So who wants to play Scrabble? -- K. Also, all Chinese movies are kung-fu movies, and they all suck, except for the classic "Infra-Man", which is great because it's a knockoff of Japan's "Ultraman" and "Kamenrider" with worse dubbing. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Naughty Asian Nurses Gettin' Medieval With Pliers Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2006 23:03:04 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 40 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-129-13.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138248174 8066 206.15.129.13 (26 Jan 2006 04:02:54 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 26 Jan 2006 04:02:54 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594306 [today.reuters.com] -> -> TOKYO (Reuters) -- A Japanese nurse who tried to relieve her work -> stress by tearing off patients' nails was sentenced Monday to -> three years and eight months in prison. But first she has to appear in several Takashi Miike V-cinemas. -> The 32-year-old Japanese woman, who worked at a hospital in the -> ancient capital of Kyoto, tore off the fingernails and toenails -> of six female patients in September and October 2004. The -> patients were all immobile after strokes or other illnesses. Isn't this the part where Uma Thurman wakes up and slams the nurse's head in the door over and over and over and over then drives off in the Pussy Wagon until she collides with Bruce Willis who drove off with Zed's chopper and then the two of them fight but then Christopher Walken shows up and pulls some replacement fingernails out of his ass? Also, the three of them have an argument about whether Pop-Tarts are better than cheeseburgers. -> The Kyoto District Court said the woman had committed the cruel -> acts to relieve stress she was under from extra work forced on -> her by her supervisors. Hey, that same sentence is in my forthcoming term paper, "Japan: A Land Of Stupid Contrasts." -- K. So did she think nobody would notice that all her patients had bloody nail-less fingers? Or did she cover it up by cutting off their fingers and giving them huge tattoos so she could claim they merely joined the Yakuza while comatose? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: curses Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2006 23:10:18 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 29 Message-ID: References: <1138036395.462386.16250@g47g2000cwa.googlegroups.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-129-13.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138248608 8066 206.15.129.13 (26 Jan 2006 04:10:08 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 26 Jan 2006 04:10:08 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com sci.physics:1205837 alt.religion.kibology:594307 In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kstocklmeir@aol.com) wrote: > > I guess > > God made - girl hurt her back on a plane > > Kurt Stocklmeir Dear Kurt, So did Hyphen Girl ever regain her powers of Super-Hyphenation? I - need to know. Spock - won't tell me. Ship - in danger. Can't - let the Klingons catch me with toupee glue on my face. Spock - the moist towlette - hand it to me - my face - glue - mess - towlette - stinky - Spock!!! Also, could you please tell us how you think the Mile High Club works? Omit no details, no matter how incorrect. If necessary, attach pictures of Dagwood eating a Mile High Club. -- K. Spock, why does God hate girls? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Tooth Dream For Kibo Date: Fri, 27 Jan 2006 03:40:19 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 39 Message-ID: References: <6dc7t19las5ie0l5inqsr2oqjnq1cdtef9@4ax.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-129-72.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138351208 10184 206.15.129.72 (27 Jan 2006 08:40:08 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 27 Jan 2006 08:40:08 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594465 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > [...] > > The trend this time around is that it's my back molar. No, that's your dorsal fin. Molars are in your _mouth_. > Normally, in the dream, I reach in and YOINK, pull the cap > off. In the dream, I think, oh yeah, this is the temporary > cap the dentist put on, and I replace it. Do you ever get the one where you dream you swallowed a chainmail ring? > [...] > > Anyhow, last night, I reaced in and YOINK. Instead of a > cap, it was a whole tooth. And instead of tooth roots it > had a little spine. About two inches long. And in the dream > I think, huh, that's interesting, I did know teeth roots > looked like spines, and I put it back (it feels a bit > longer than two inches going in). I think, have to be sure > to mention this to the dentist. Yeah, but he's a giant spider with a typewriter for a face, or something, so he can't help with the coming of the New Flesh. Are you James Woods? > Then a few seconds later I dream, oh yeah, this is one of > those stupid tooth dreams, only this one I should share > with Kibo because it's got that H.R. Giger thing going on. YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP NOW -- K. (Run! The bad dreams are coming from inside the house!) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: There's at least one good thing about living near a college campus Date: Fri, 27 Jan 2006 03:49:17 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 42 Message-ID: References: <1138081260.377694.295520@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-129-72.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138351746 1440 206.15.129.72 (27 Jan 2006 08:49:06 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 27 Jan 2006 08:49:06 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594467 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > [...] > > BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! > > KIBO: Get his wallet, Teo. > > TEO: Yuk! Wet Austrian dollars -- why are they wet? > > KIBO: You didn't know Austria's upside down? The toilets flush up. Cool, I wish I said that. Hey, wait, with you as my witness, I did! CHRIS: That's right, Kibo, I did. You're a genius! KIBO: Wow, thanks, Chris! Here's a million dollars! CHRIS: Thanks for that million dollars, Kibo! Eww, they're wet, but still, thanks! You're so generous! I acknowledge of my own free will that I have received a million dollars from you and now I owe you a million dollars plus interest! KIBO: I'll settle for an even million if it's not a wet million. CHRIS: Why, do you want to launder it yourself? -- K. MY NEWS SERVER IS BROK MY NEWS SERVER IS BROK MY NEWS SERVER IS BROK MY NEWS SERVER IS BROK IF I POST THIS ANOTHER HUNDRED TIMES IT MIGHT COME OUT SOMEWHERE ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What's an ear squat, and why are we reading about them? Date: Fri, 27 Jan 2006 06:07:17 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 125 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-129-77.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138360035 28940 206.15.129.77 (27 Jan 2006 11:07:15 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 27 Jan 2006 11:07:15 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594477 [www.asiansexgazette.com] -> -> Malaysia: Nude squats must stop -> -> Putrajaya -- Subjecting the woman detainee in the video clip to -> nude ear squats is improper, haram and a violation of human rights. What's an ear squat? What's a nude ear squat? What's a clothed ear squat? NURSE, DRAW ME A DIAGRAM, STAT! -> The independent commission looking into the nude squat incident -> said the practice of police ordering detainees to perform such -> acts must stop immediately. -> -> "It is degrading and humiliating," the commission said in its report. How can it be degrading and humiliating if I don't even know what it is? I know the names of all the things that are degrading and humiliating, and I ain't never seen a magazine about ear squats! -> [...] -> -> Making the detainee, identified as a Malay woman, perform nude -> squats was haram because of the unnecessary revealing of the aurat -> (parts of body that should not be exposed according to Islamic -> belief). -> -> The commission also referred to the medical opinion by Hospital -> Kuala Lumpur obstetrician Dr Zainab Shamsuddin that nude squats was -> not an effective method to recover a foreign object "as the act of -> standing after squatting nullifies the effect of squatting". -> -> The commission found that L/Kpl Wan Zawati @ Zalina Wan Ismail, Isnotmail. Issomeotherthingwithacinnamonbunmarkinthemiddle. -> who ordered the woman to do the nude squats, could not justify -> her actions. Could he or she or whatever Lance-Slash-Korporal At-Sign is at least explain what an "ear squat" is, and where I can buy the appropriate Jane Fonda exercise video? I must Google on this at third level. [thestar.com.my] => => "We want to codify it all in a single legislation. Ketuk ketampi => (ear squats) is no longer allowed. [...]" Oh. Well, that helps a lot. Thanks, Krusty The Klown. Now move along to your KAY-razy Weather Report from Keokuk, Kukamonga, and Skenektady. [www.malaysiakini.com] -> -> I am greatly concerned with the testimony given by Dr Zainab -> Shamsuddin as having been quoted by deputy public prosecutor -> Suhaimi Ibrahim during the hearings of the commission of inquiry -> into the nude ear-squats scandal. -> -> [...] -> -> In my clinical practice, I found women with toothed rubber band -> used for sexual pleasure and tampon being forgetfully left inside -> vagina for weeks. They presented to me with foul-smelling vaginal -> discharge and were too embarrassed to tell what they had done -> beforehand. These substance were not dislodged even when they went -> to toilet and strained to pass stool numerous times. I still had to -> use a vagina speculum and forceps to remove the foreign bodies -> causing them illness. "Toothed rubber band"? Great, now there are TWO new perversions I don't even know the names of. Dear Malaysia, please stop making up new perversions without telling me. [news.bbc.co.uk] => => The woman being abused in the video appears to be ethnically => Chinese, her tormentor a Malay woman police officer wearing => a Muslim headscarf. The victim is made to hold her ears as => she squats and rises. Ear squats are a punishment common in => Malaysian schools and are designed to humiliate. Okay, so now we know what "ear squats" are. But how many ups and downs could they realistically expect her to do after they handed her her severed ears? That's what they do in Malaysia, isn't it? Or do they mean they did something even more barbaric than what I'm imagining? And how the fuck does one do the fuck with a "toothed rubber band"? (Is this what Frued called "vagina dentata elongata"?) Googling on "toothed rubber band" turns up only the one citation mentioned above plus about a dozen about Epson dot-matrix printers. Could it be that we've stumbled into the secret world of Malaysian women having sex with tractor-feed printers? Then what do they do with all the little perforated strips of paper they have to peel off the edges of each sheet? And how do these women "forgetfully" leave the Epson MX-80 in their vaginas for weeks? Don't they notice the dangling parallel cable with its giant Centronics connector? Dear Malaysia, STOP HAVING SEX WITH MY OLD PRINTER. -- K. Technically, what I had was an Epson RX-80, but that was just an MX-80 that could print prescriptions instead of missiles. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Important questions for the inanimate objects of the world. Date: Fri, 27 Jan 2006 06:17:45 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 61 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-129-77.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138360658 28940 206.15.129.77 (27 Jan 2006 11:17:38 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 27 Jan 2006 11:17:38 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594478 DEAR CHEERIOS YOU HAVE HOLES SO WHY DO YOU LIKE MAKING PEOPLE POOP SEND ME EiGHT MORE BOXES DEAR TELEVISION WHY DO YOU GO CLUNK WHEN I TRUN YOU OFF WHAT DOES IT MEAN CAN YOU SEE ME WHERE IS HIGH DEFINITION DEAR EUDORA WHY DO YOU PUT SWEAR WORDS IN RED I LIkE RED DEAR PICKEL JUICE DID I GET YOU FREE WITH THE PICKELS OR ARE YOU A HIDDEN COST IS IT A SCAM DEAR STAR WARS EPISoDE III WAIT DARTH VADER ALREADY DIED IN EPISODE VI STOP BEING OUT OF ORDER DEAR TOILET PAPER IF I SqUEEZE THE ROLL IT CAN'T ROLL AWAY DOES THAT MEAN IT'S NOT STILL A ROLL NOW I THINK CALLING DINNER ROLLS ROLLS IS GROSS STOP MAKING ME THINK ABOUT GROSS OKAY DID THEY USED TO MAKE PERFORETIONS BY HAND OR DiD THEY HAVE SLAVES DO IT SEND ME EIGHT MORE ROLLS -- K. DEAR ME HI SINCERELY ME P.S.!!!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hair color update #20060128a. Date: Sat, 28 Jan 2006 05:59:31 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 18 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-138-173.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138445967 14211 206.15.138.173 (28 Jan 2006 10:59:27 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sat, 28 Jan 2006 10:59:27 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594651 Cranberry. Or possibly razzleberry. The color of pig blood in a one-gallon glass bottle sitting on your priceless coffee table. I figure that if I walk around the Harvard campus with crimson hair, they'll probably give me a free degree for having more Harvardish hair than even if John Houseman and John F. Kennedy had a baby named Reddy Red McReddy. -- K. It's pretty darn close to the color of Zarex raspberry flavor, except it doesn't make nearly as much of a mess. Do they intentionally design Zarex bottles to drool half your liquid candy onto the floor? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Angst for 1/2006 Date: Sat, 28 Jan 2006 06:22:43 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 100 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-138-173.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138447358 10056 206.15.138.173 (28 Jan 2006 11:22:38 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sat, 28 Jan 2006 11:22:38 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594652 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Every so often, I read a book or hear a friend say "Women like sex too!" AMBIGUOUS STATEMENT REQUIRES PARENTHESES BOOLEAN OPERATION MUST BE CLARIFIED Also, books are not _always_ better than sex. Especially comic books. > Some most certainly do. However, there is a large number of women who > have no sexual desire whatsoever, for any man, no matter what. Well, for specific values of "for any man". > This fact is routinely omitted from dating advice. > > Here's how you can tell whether a woman is frigid: > > Ask me if I've ever had a prolonged crush on her. If the answer is > "yes", then she has probably plastered her vagina shut during her > first week of college. > > The reason seems to be that, if I ever have a crush on a woman with > any significant sex drive, she finds another boyfriend rather quickly > and thus the crush cannot take root. But without a sex drive, they > remain perpetually single. And even as the clues build up, even as > they tell me explicitly that the whole idea of dating and sex are > icky and foreign to them, as all logic dictates that the right thing > to do is to let go and move on, I just can't let go, and I can't > move on, because maybe if I burn her a DVD of interesting videos > I found on the Internet, that'll open the floodgates, because > maybe nobody's treated her the right way yet, and certainly the > one that figures her out will be a guy who hasn't had a date in > three years. Have you considered that maybe most women are simply so super-rational that before they consider dating someone they use Google Groops to see what they've posted just in case they ever post wacky "ALL WOMEN ARE FRIGID TO ALL MEN WHO ARE ME" rants? If they see this article, they're going to avoid you so as not to be the subject of your someday "ALL WOMEN ARE FRIGID TO ME EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE SUCKER" article. Women would prefer it if you were sensitive about their feelings, but that's hard, so maybe you should stop trying to ever have sex. Posting stuff is a lot easier than starting a relationship, especially once you know that all women fake their orgasms but on the Internet nothing's fake. Well, except for the women. They're all really men. But they're having real orgasms, especially when there's a leaked script for a new "Star Trek" movie. > Logically, if I spent my energy looking elsewhere, I can identify > another woman who's as beautiful as the one I keep seeing at Dave's, > or as quirky and playful as the one I keep seeing on ICQ, or as > cosmopolitan as the one that visited me from New Zealand. But the > logical part of my brain does not control whom I am attracted to, > as I suspect is true for most people. Indeed, if attraction could > be derived from logical, conscious thought, then I could simply > argue one of these women into my arms. > > If it's impossible for them to become attracted to me, then is it > equally impossible for me to stop being attracted to them? Am I > doomed to a lifetime of chasing mirages? Dude, two words for you: TURN GAY and BEER GOGGLES. Because when men are drunk they think everyone's attractive. Women never get beer goggles because women never drink. But if you're gay, just go where there are drunk men, and you'll get a bunch of phone numbers even before the Zamboni starts resurfacing the ice. Unless you're afraid to go to Canada just to exploit its population of drunks, in which case find a pride parade that goes through a beer factory or something. Watch out for the ones who are straight when sober but gay when drunk because they might have an evil twin brother who's the other way around, and you'll have to listen to the two of them arguing over whether "Brokeback Mountain" is THE GREATEST MOVIE IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE or THE MOST OVERRATED MOVIE IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE. Frankly, I don't plan to see it, because I already learned all about gay cowboys from that program that Apple gave out. Damn, I'm good at this. I should be a relationship counselor, or international sexologist. Do you have to have a TV show before you can call yourself a sexologist, or can anyone call themselves a sexologist just to get a TV show? Also, would I have to radiate that same creepy vibe as Dr. Phil? I don't understand why all male sexologists have to seem super-obnoxious since they don't need to be because all women are frigid anyway. -- K. Seriously, just tell women you're gay. That makes 'em start hurling themselves at you just like in "Archie" comics, though you don't actually have to chisel that plaid into the sides of your skull. Archie should know better than to try to mix plaid and bone, what with his innate gay fashion sense. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Birthday party tonight Date: Sat, 28 Jan 2006 06:27:52 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 20 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-138-173.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138447660 10056 206.15.138.173 (28 Jan 2006 11:27:40 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sat, 28 Jan 2006 11:27:40 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594656 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I have to go to a birthday party tonight where I will be looking at > penises. Remember to check the invitation for whether you'll need to bring your own magnifying glass. > Should I keep drinking before I go there? No, don't show up drunk. You don't want to be blamed for ruining Roddy McDowall's birthday party. (He's worried that if you're too drunk you might just blurt out that he's dead, then all the guests would leave and he'd have to get back in his coffin and zip up.) -- K. I hope you're bringing a "present". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Discounted toys nobody wants. Date: Sat, 28 Jan 2006 06:33:35 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 38 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-138-173.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138448003 10056 206.15.138.173 (28 Jan 2006 11:33:23 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sat, 28 Jan 2006 11:33:23 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594659 In other news, my local Toys R Us is having a going out of business sale (yay!) so I bought a Nintendo DS cheap, meaning that at last I'll be able to play Pac-Pix, once I finish up the stuff that's keeping me too busy to want to take the shrink-wrap off the DS. They only had the blue ones and not the faux silver ones, but since neither is attractive, I don't object to either color. I'm not for or against either color, it's not as if the choices are glossy black and pink paisley with durian scent. I think someone needs to write a sequel to Pac-Pix where you have to make your Pac-Man out of ASCII art of any size you choose. However, if he contains any backslashes, he'll move backwards. The aforementioned Toys R Us has approximately 1,000 Hasbro Beyblade Driger Den Battle Stadiums, which are flimsy one-piece vacuformed dog dishes that you're supposed to spin your tops in or something. I have no idea why they stocked so many of that one particularly pathetic item but it may be a clue as to why they're going out of business. Maybe they'll reopen on the far side of the Super 88 Supermarket like the Stop & Shop did. (The people running the plaza with the Stop & Shop made sure the Super 88 had to have a fence between it and the plaza's parking lot to make it less convenient for plaza shoppers to get to the Super 88, but now that the Stop & Shop moved, the Super 88 is the closest supermarket to the main parking lot. However, it's no longer the biggest market in that area, since the new Stop & Shop is nearly the size of a Meijer. I want them to put in a Meijer. And a White Castle. But not a Driger Den Battle Stadium.) In short, my local Toys R Us is going bye-bye, probably because going to a "store" to "buy" toys is _so_ last millennium. These days everyone knows that all toys are delivered by a combination of RSS and VRML. -- K. So when are they going to port Pac-Pix to the 2600? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Discounted toys nobody wants. Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 06:22:55 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 52 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-129-206.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138620166 27633 206.15.129.206 (30 Jan 2006 11:22:46 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 11:22:46 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594916 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In short, my local Toys R Us is going bye-bye, probably because > > going to a "store" to "buy" toys is _so_ last millennium. > > Wal-Mart's low, low prices has laid waste to Toys R Us and Kay-Bee > Toys. The latter companies just can't get the sla^H^H Chinese labor > contracts that Wal-Mart can. Wal-Mart will soon be the only STORE IN > THE COUNTRY! No Asian markets, no Super 88s, just Wal-Mart. Fat chance. (a) Wal-Mart will never have Chinese slave labor _on_site_ in Boston the way the Super 88 does, and (b) there aren't any Wal-Marts within range of the entire subway system because Wal-Mart is afraid to locate anywhere within 30 miles of Boston due to not wanting to get their knees broken by the Lucy Liu and the Crazy 88's. Let's put it this way: Wal-Mart obeys the blue laws but the Super 88 always gets busted for staying open on Christmas, because the Super 88's so tough that they're not even afraid of Mayor Menino, and he's plenty scary. Depending on which newspaper you Google, Toys R Us is either closing 75 stores or 87 stores. Somewhere there's going to be a neon sign graveyard with an enormous pile of "R"s that can never go on anyone else's right-reading signs. Unless they just sell them to China, where everyone pronounces their "R"s backwards except for Lucy Liu, who doesn't even have a "backwards R" setting on her Liu-Mo-Stat. Oh, I see. They're going to close 75 stores completely and only pretend-close the other 12 by changing their signs to "Babies R Us", which as everyone knows is a completely different chain than Toys R Us and will never go bankrupt because selling stuff just for the zero-to-one-year-old market will give them a much bigger customer base than the zero-to-seventeen market. > I, for one, hail our new cracker overlords. I wish they'd put a Wal-Mart or two in Boston. I think the closest one to me is out in Lynn. There are a few Targets I can get to and I think there's even still one K-Mart. Mostly I buy stuff on-line now because I like books and foreign movies but I'm not an idiot. I just discovered that Penzey's has a retail store close to Boston. I should go there and ask them why their spices are supposed to be any better than the ones that cost something like two cents a pound at the Super 88. Of course the downside is that sometimes you don't need an entire twenty-pound bag of pepper mixed with twigs. -- K. But sometimes you do. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My computer ate my wallpaper Date: Sat, 28 Jan 2006 06:42:24 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 32 Message-ID: References: <1136546150.072150.6310@g49g2000cwa.googlegroups.com> <7i55s1p2sogkflp56t910duj48dv48d02u@4ax.com> <1136942682.212338.11060@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-138-173.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138448538 966 206.15.138.173 (28 Jan 2006 11:42:18 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sat, 28 Jan 2006 11:42:18 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594661 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Suggesting that I should undergo another several weeks of frustration and > inability to understand what I'm doing and inability to have my Windows > applications Just Work and inability to play WoW, by switching to Linux with > a Swahili accent? WORST "GET A MAC" EVER. Was the subtext "I'm very very > angry, uncharacteristically, but have nowhere useful to direct my anger" > coming across as "Here, let me provide a lightning rod for Dave"? > > Dave "in other words, I asked for sympathy and I got a rock. Thanks EVER so" > DeLaney Have you considered getting a Tamagotchi? That way it could be your new computer _and_ be your sympathetic friend, as long as you don't accidentally kill it by using a brand of batteries that don't last forever. I think they now have a Tamagotchi cartridge for the Nintendo DS if you'd rather have a virtual Tamagotchi instead of a real one. -- K. They also have some real nice computers over there at the dollar store that has "dollar" misspelled on its sign. No, the other one. The one underneath the Chinatown Fish Extrusion Factory. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: skool nooz Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 07:07:13 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 164 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-129-206.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138622824 32593 206.15.129.206 (30 Jan 2006 12:07:04 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 12:07:04 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594920 Two educational news stories linked from Fark.com today. [dailytelegram.news.com.au] -> -> Government bans denim in schools -> -> January 29, 2006 -> -> THE West Australian government will ban jeans and other denim -> clothing from all state schools from next year. -> -> State Education Minister Ljiljanna Ravlich says denim is associated -> with "having a good time" and has no place in primary or secondary -> schools. What a ljoyless ljerk. She needs some ljithium. Besides, denim is actually associated with being too cheap to buy real leather clothing. -> The ban will be enforced by excluding students who defied it from -> social activities and excursions, although they would not be -> prevented from attending lessons, Ms Ravlich said. -> -> The ban was suggested by former education minister and now Premier -> Alan Carpenter in September 2004. -> -> "When students are at school I want them to be dressed -> appropriately, ready to concentrate on the day's work ahead, not be -> preoccupied with the latest fashion accessory, the latest fashion -> style," Ms Ravlich said today. She then turned on the latest invention -- the crystal radio -- to listen to the latest fad in music -- be-bop -- while reading the newspaper that brings you all the latest news using the latest technology, The Daily Telegram. -> [...] -> -> "Students have denim jeans outside of school and that is exactly -> where they should be. Agreed, but where should their jeans be? I say let the jeans go to school while the kids stay home. They wouldn't be learnin' nothin' from that crazy woman wearing a non-denim-based corset laced up tight enough to keep the board from popping out of her ass. -> "They should be for weekend wear, they are associated with having a -> good time, with recreation, they should not be associated with -> school." -> -> Ms Ravlich said only about 10 per cent of schools she had visited -> had issues concerning denim -- the main problem areas were in -> regional and remote areas. I want to live in a non-regional area, preferably one where the angles of a triangle always add up to 720 degrees and all straight lines intersect only in the middle of Ronald McDonald's forehead. But look! There's more news! From another newspaper as futuristic as the Telegram, the Telegraph! [www.telegraph.co.uk] => => Pupils banned from putting their hands up => By Liz Lightfoot, Education Correspondent => (Filed: 28/01/2006) => => Pupils have been stopped from putting their hands up to answer => questions because their school believes it leads to feelings of => victimisation. Well, that's going to make Ben Stein's class go on forever. "Anyone? ... Anyone? ... Anyone? ... Anyone? ... Anyone? ... Well, I see all the students shot themselves hours ago, so I guess class is dismissed. Anyone who wants to leave is free to go. Anyone? ... Anyone? ... Anyone?" => "No hands up" notices have been posted in every room at the => Jo Richardson comprehensive in Dagenham, east London, as a reminder => that the teachers will decide who should answer. "No hands up" in _every_ room, including the gymnasium? That's going to make gym class even stupider, especially the volleyball games. To say nothing of the chin-ups. => The head, Andrew Buck, says it is always the same children who wave => their arms in the air, while the rest of the class sits back. When => teachers try to involve less adventurous pupils by choosing them => instead, that leads to feelings of victimisation. Also so that nobody's feelings will be hurt all answers will be correct all the time and everyone will get an A++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ for everything just like on eBay and everyone will be named Captain Wonderful Superman McAwesome The Great 2000 and there will be no schedule so kids can come to class whenever they feel like it and the school will be blown up because walls are prisons, man, schools are like totally on a conformity-factory trip and like it's not groovy to have "grades" and "teachers" when the only thing you need to know is that you can make a house out of a tree without hurting it and hemp has at least two uses wow I just thought so much stuff I need a nap. => Mr Buck believes that it can also cause panic in children who are => picked but do not know the answer while others around them are => straining to give it. England continues to finely-tune its school system to ensure that all the little boys will grow up to be nannies. => To spare the embarrassment of those who do not know the answer, => the school uses a "phone a friend" system, allowing one child => to nominate another to take the question instead. And math has been replaced by the concept of "not going over". "And now, here's your final exam. What's the price of this fabulous trip around the world?" "ONE DOLLAR!" "You win! Here's your A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ and a case of Sue Bee Honey. It's the honey that's not shaped like a bear." => Mr Buck says the ban on putting hands up has improved attention => levels because pupils never know when they will be called on. ...because until now, teachers were too stupid to realize that they could call on students who weren't begging to be called upon. Maybe England should stop hiring teachers who flunked out of The School For Teachers For Dummies. => [...] => => "It is every child's instinct and every teacher's instinct as well => because it is ingrained in us," Mr Buck said. "We are used to => seeing hands waving in the air and some pupils jiggling so much to => attract the teacher's attention that it sometimes looks as if they => need the lavatory. Now, kids who need to go potty will be forbidden to raise their hands, and will have to sit motionless until they explode! Although a revision to the policy will soon permit any kid with a full bladder to nominate another kid to go pee for them. => [...] => => While they hogged the limelight, the most able pupils often did not => volunteer answers for fear of being labelled as "boffs" or "swots". When they show "The Simpsons" in England and they change "nerds" to "boffs" and "swots", and Nelson laughs at a boff or a swot, what does he shout instead of "Haw haw!"? "Glorch glorch!"? "Fningle fningle!"? "Crumpetta crumpetta!"? -- K. And to think I could've gone to Goddard College instead of that really square Emerson. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Fun with surgery Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 07:34:25 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 122 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-129-206.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138624457 11349 206.15.129.206 (30 Jan 2006 12:34:17 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 12:34:17 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594921 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Well, this morning, I'm off to the hospital to have the doctors tie my > veins in knots. Acutally, they are creating a place on my arm where they > can plug in my dialysis thingies by either sewing a vein to an artery, in > order to make it hefty and big, or to inplant some tubing they can plug > into. Cool, you're going to be just like Batman's arch-enemy Bane, the Mexican wrestler who has all the tubes going into his body from his giant backpack full of steroids. > He will decide what will work best after he opens me up. Worst "Queer Eye" episode ever. You don't want to let those guys give the inside of your chest cavity an extreme makeover, even if Carson said you can "tickle his heart" in return. > By the way, my dialysis has been going well. I had an obnoxious tube > inserted in my chest that they currently plug into. It works ok, but I > am unable to luxuriate in a nice shower (we currently have a shower head > on a flexi-tube, so at least I can keep the stink off). Also the entry > point, she itches like teh crazy!!11!!. Does your tube attach with one of those stoma-sticker jobbies that comes with a prescription for Unbreakable Skin Glue? If so, I know lots of great practical jokes you can play with Unbreakable Skin Glue. Waffle irons work great for that, which is why the jar of Smith+Nephew Skin-Bond(R) says "adheres appliance to skin". > I am feeling light years better over-all since I started dialysis. Kelsey Grammer says to tell you that light years are units of distance, not of betterness. The official unit of betterness is the Ritz, because everything tastes better sittin' on a Ritz. Enough Ritzes can make anything better. It would take 58,312 Ritzes to go under Hitler, but one Hitler's worth of Ritzes can shingle nearly three dogs, six if you can cheat and stuff the dachshunds inside the German shepherds. > There are only two bummer side effects: > > 1) My boold goes out into a big machine where it is cleaned and returns > via other tubes. The machine maintains it at body temp. but it looses a > little in the tubing, so getting the shivers is common. Fortunately Meat > Terri sent me a heafty-cool tie-dye quilt (complete with beehives) that > is teh warm and snuggly. Along with the hot water bottles they give me, > I have been shivver-free for four whole sessions. Maybe you should try looping the tubing through your waffle iron before you glue it to an unsuspecting victim. If the waffle iron doesn't warm your blood sufficiently, you could drill a couple holes in your microwave oven and string the tube through there, although that would complicate your Pop Secret. > 2) The much worser thing is that dialysis doesn't remove phosporous or > potasium all that well, so my diet is restricted in big ways, very > limited amounts of cheese and other dairy products, whole-grain breads, > many fruits, potatoes, both regular and sweet, etc. Boo hoo. Wake me when you get to being restricted to very very very very very very very very very limited amounts of cheese. If you can't have cheese or nutritious bread, I recommend the White Castles in the box with the blue stripe. I don't know what they're made from but the meat clearly isn't meat and the bread clearly is some sort of ectosubstance-like colloid. > The worstest of all is that high phosphorous causes INSANE ITCHING all > over!!11!! That, added to the itching from the catheter in my chest is > causing Wiblur to go all mental. I have to be careful not to scratch > around the catheter on account of not wanting it to get all infected, > since it's connected almost directly to my heart. > > I bless my brother for giving me a fancy bamboo back-scratcher for Hmas > last year. I spend many hours each day scratching my back, wishing I > could just rip my skin off and get it over with. Having recently survived an insane level of itching all over my back (due to neuralgia from a long-ago case of really bad chicken pox) I have some advice for you: Nerves stop itching once they're dead. So all you have to do is get some chicken pox viruses to eat them and wait a few years while they itch like fuck and then after that they won't itch ever again. Also, being hot and sweaty makes the itching worse. So you might want to think about whether you'd rather have the chills or the itchies. I vote for the chills. If it turns out that for you, the more chills the fewer itches, then you may want to consider taking Ben Franklin- style "air baths", especially if you live in a community where it's not illegal to show women your penis. > With that said, the new, low-toxin Wiblur no longer looks and feels like > death warmed over, and that makes up for even the Insane Itching. The > access point in my arm will be available for use after it gets all healed > up (probably about three months), then I can enjoy long showers and give > my chest the scratching it so richly deserves. Here's the question I have for the medical community. If you take a long bath, you get all wrinkly on the outside, right? So how come if you're full of blood all the time you don't get wrinkly on the inside? > So anyway, I will probably be spending the next day or two blissfully > doped up, but will post part two of this missive when my arm is ready to > type again. Two words: Helper monkey. -- K. DEAR INTERNET BANANAS BANANAS BANANAS BANANAS SINCERELY HELPER MONKEY DEAR INTERNET I AM THROWING MY FECES AT YOU SINCERELY EITHER A HELPER MONKEY OR THE AVERAGE WEBTV USER ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Hospital Dream For Fruit Lovers Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 07:40:32 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 37 Message-ID: References: <43DA2772.51E02DBD@bestweb.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-129-206.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138624819 11349 206.15.129.206 (30 Jan 2006 12:40:19 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 12:40:19 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594923 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > I was at the hospital for a sleep study last night, as if I needed 13 > electrodes, a PULSOX, and a videocamera to tell me that my blood oxygen > dropped to 60% saturation as soon as I went to sleep. PULSOX SUCK, GO YANKEES ...I got nothin'. > Just before the nurse came in to hook me up to the CPAP, You got hooked up to a Soviet space station? Wow, that must've been a long rubber hose. If that thing snaps it could put several million eyes out. > I dreamt that I had just had surgery on my nose and throat and they > were packed with strawberries. Ah, finally an answer to the question "Who on a.r.k OTHER THAN KIBO has ever eaten a Jar-Jar lollipop?" > An elderly volunteer tried to help me with a face mask but thought > I was terrified and waving her away, when all I was trying to tell > her was that I wanted a third column of strawberries! Strawberries come in columns now? Are they served with a pull-quote of boysenberries? -- K. You must really like strawberries. So did the hospital take away those two ball bearings or did they let you keep fidgeting with them? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Army porn in the news Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 08:19:14 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 87 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-129-206.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138627144 22870 206.15.129.206 (30 Jan 2006 13:19:04 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 13:19:04 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594927 [sfgate.com] -> -> Army to Investigate Gay Porn Allegations -> -> By ESTES THOMPSON, Associated Press Writer -> Friday, January 27, 2006 -> -> (01-27) 22:39 PST Raleigh, N.C. (AP) -- -> -> Army officials are investigating allegations that members of the -> celebrated 82nd Airborne Division appear on a gay pornography Web -> site, a spokeswoman said Friday. And don't forget the one who was in the Village People. Oh, and that one in the "reacharound" scene in "Full Metal Jacket". Wait, that was the Marines, so it doesn't count. (Ever notice you never hear about Marine porn, only Army and Navy porn? I think there might actually be more Coast Guard porn than Marine porn.) -> [...] -> -> The military-themed Web site does not appear to make any direct -> reference to the 82nd Airborne or Fort Bragg. The registered owner -> of the Web site's domain name lists an address in Fayetteville, the -> city that adjoins Fort Bragg. -> -> [...] -> -> The Web site includes a disclaimer, asking users to agree that they -> are not agents of the U.S. government, Department of Defense, -> members of law enforcement or reporters. Yeah, whatever. Then after that some guy robbed a bank and when the cops caught him he yelled, "Hey, I only permit you to arrest me if you're not cops!" and they laughed and laughed and laughed. Then, if the reporter who wrote this was smart, they ran over to Google and searched for "I AGREE I AM NOT A REPORTER" for more good sites to write articles about to justify spending even more time looking at gay porn in the office. -> [...] -> -> Maj. Todd Vician, a Defense Department spokesman in Washington, -> said the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy states that -> "homosexual orientation alone is not a bar to service, but -> homosexual conduct is incompatible with military service." "homosexual conduct"? I assume that means stuff that only gay guys do? Like having a shaved head while wearing a really tight camouflage T-shirts? I say that we should follow the letter of the law and kick everyone out of the Army. They all dress so gay. You know the real reason the Army hasn't yet replaced all their soldiers with robots? Because they just can't find any gay robots. "Star Wars" had C3PO and a World War requires at least a C2PO, but the Army only has little robots like R2D2 that don't even know how to faint or throw hissies. -> "We define homosexual conduct as homosexual acts or verbal or -> nonverbal communication that a member is homosexual," Vician said. Oh. So, basically, the Army is defended by gaydar. I just hope that, if there's ever a draft, I can figure out some way to let them know I'm gay. Straight people's gaydar sucks so bad that I could be singing Jack Benny's theme song while carrying a Cher album topped with creme brulee and they'd just promote me to lieutenant. Or maybe it would be one of those Klinger things where they'd just say "you're obviously crazy, so you can't be gay _too_" so they'd have to let me stay in the Army whether or not I was drilling holes in my head with a corkscrew. Is there some sort of psychosis I could develop that would be unacceptable to the Army? Obviously they take people who are kill-crazed, and "M*A*S*H" makes it clear that they also take people who spend all their time being sanctimonious about how murder is wrong, so maybe they only reject people who have no opinion about whether murder is fun? -- K. I say it's fun, unless it's your job, then it's just work. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: To All Women: Re: Porn Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 08:31:29 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 30 Message-ID: References: <1138535064.655537.137040@o13g2000cwo.googlegroups.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-129-206.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138627880 27151 206.15.129.206 (30 Jan 2006 13:31:20 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 13:31:20 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594928 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > To All Women: > > Just because it exists in porn does not mean all men think that is how > all women act. > > Sincerely Yours, > Straight Men Hey, Lots42, how did you get your hands on that letter without being either a sender or a recipient? Also, have you ever considered that the women who star in porn films probably really _are_ that sort of total sluts in real life? After all, they get paid small amounts of money to get venereal disease being screwed by two total strangers at the same time while guys with bad mustaches take pictures. So, since porn exists, we must conclude at least some women are like that. But what fraction of women would that be? I'm guessing about 50%, because that's the percentage of women who have starred in at least one porn movie. (I'm not counting the ones who didn't know they were being filmed, like the ones having sex in the tiny airplane restroom. You do know those have always had camera surveillance, right?) -- K. And by the way, Lots, the potato goes in _front_. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Suddenly, I wish I lived in Amsterdam. Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 08:58:03 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 69 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-129-206.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138629475 11314 206.15.129.206 (30 Jan 2006 13:57:55 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 13:57:55 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594930 Look! It's an article from l'AFP that never even mentions DraculaLand! [www.mg.co.za] -> -> Vandals wanted to test Amsterdam subway trains -> -> The Hague, The Netherlands -> 27 January 2006 05:39 -> -> Amsterdam's municipal council wants vandals to try wrecking -> prototypes of new subway trains to ensure that the material is -> "Amsterdam-idiot-proof", the daily Het Parool reported on Thursday. -> -> Mark van der Horst, the Amsterdam councillor responsible for -> traffic, told the newspaper that it is not easy to find subway -> trains that can withstand the Amsterdam brand of hooligans. I can think of quite a few ways to make any subway car (no matter how indestructible) uninhabitable. Like, carry a 55-gallon trash bag filled with kerosene on board and set it on fire. Or get 350 people to simultaneously go to the bathroom in it between stops. Or pull up the two rails and cross them then put them back so that when the train attempts to follow them it'll turn inside out like the face of a baby sucking on a lemon. However, I don't know whether that would also turn all the passengers inside out or just the driver. And then there's the time some MIT students re-routed the tracks to get a Red Line train to touch a Green Line train, causing a massive explosion cancelling out both trains because everybody knows the Red Line trains are made of antimatter. -> "There isn't anywhere worse than here. The other day my Danish -> counterpart from Copenhagen did not know what I was talking about," -> he said. That's because you're Dutch. Nobody understands the Dutch. Dutch people speak English except with all the words replaced with nonsense words shaped like English words. I don't think even Dutch people understand each other, which is why they can't agree on whether their country is "the Netherlands" or "Holland" or "Dutchinia" or "Amsterdam and some other stuff". -> To make an informed choice on which trains to order, Van der Horst -> wants to "get some Amsterdammers from the streets to test them" and -> see what the vulnerable parts of the trains are. -> -> "Our new Amsterdam subway must be absolutely -> Amsterdam-idiot-proof," he explained. Nothing's idiot-proof. I know because I saw a broken WebTV once. -> The hooligan tests are set to be carried out next year. -- AFP Why did the Dutch waste their time inventing the TV show "Big Brother" when they've been ignoring the perfect idea for a TV show? Get teams of soccer hooligans from every country that doesn't think soccer sucks, and get a train from each country, and film them all trying to wreck the other countries' trains. And to ensure that all the participants are real idiots, anyone who watches the first season of the show will get to be on the second season. -- K. Also every episode will end with them trashing the "Big Brother" house. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: On Planet X, the highest art form is the crank letter. Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 09:14:42 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 106 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-129-206.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138630474 641 206.15.129.206 (30 Jan 2006 14:14:34 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 30 Jan 2006 14:14:34 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:594933 DEAR TURTALOPE YOU MADE ONE OF MY EYES GO INSIDE THE OTHER THAT WOULD HURT IF I DID IT TO YOU DEAR DIMENSION 57B STOP FOLDING LIKE THAT YOU GOT MY FOOT DEAR JQXZIFICANT LOAF MY LASER KNIFE SORT OF CUTS YOU WHERE'S THE INVISIBLE TOPPING DEAR WOXIFIER PHASES KEEP COMING AND GOING I CAN'T KEEP THE AIR FROM MELTING DEAR ZERO-GRAVITY CEMETARY OF THE INVERSE BLARD HOW DO I RUB AN ANTI-TOMBSTONE MY DESCENDANTS ARE IN YOU DEAR PRDFYUNK FLOXI THERE'S NO HOLE TURNING INSIDE-OUT IS HARDER NOW DEAR IIJEEO OTHER GAMES HAVE FINITE RULESETS I LIKE THE SHELF YOU DON'T FIT ON DEAR SZEZLOR FORCE GREEN IS YOUR COLOR WHY DOES YOUR GRAVITY MAKE ME LOOK FAT DEAR BAZLAT K'LUNK EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THAT HURTS MY THROAT NOW DEAR NASCENT CROBBULAR LARVAE OUT OF MY SOCKS AGAIN WHY STOP DIGESTING DEAR NECROSPHERIC TELEFULGURATOR CHANNEL B KILLS NEIGHBORS I NEED TO TURN UP THE MANGLE DEAR COLOR SPLEE IF HUMANS COULD SEE YOU HOW WOULD YOU KNOW I ONLY SCRATCH AND SNIFF YOU DEAR ASTRAL ZENGO YOU CAN TAKE AWAY THE REGULAR ZENGO I DON'T NEED THAT MUCH INSTRUMENTALITY DEAR IK LASER HOLES ON TOP SO WHY DOESN'T THE BLOOD FALL UP DEAR SOLAR DETONATOR YOU GOT THE WRONG GALAXY AFTERWARDS IT WAS A NEW KIND OF PRETTY DEAR SPACE KLEENEX SPACE ACHOO EWW SPACE BOOGERS SINCERELY CAPTAIN SHAZBOT -- K. This article will be made into a hit science fiction film in Japan. It will star a puddle of molten zinc and Takeshi Kitano. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: ham 'n' doots Date: Wed, 01 Feb 2006 07:43:00 -0500 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 76 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: 206-15-129-224.dialup.ziplink.net X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1138797769 25750 206.15.129.224 (1 Feb 2006 12:42:49 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 1 Feb 2006 12:42:49 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:595175 [news.bbc.co.uk, via dailyrotten.com] -> -> 'Dog dirt slur' on packet of ham -> -> A man has been arrested by police investigating how dog poo came to -> be listed on the ingredients of a packet of sliced ham. -> -> Detectives were called after reports that the words were found on -> the label of a 300g packet of the cooked meat, bought in Wakefield, -> West Yorkshire. -> -> [...] -> -> A spokesman for Greater Manchester Police said: "A 21-year-old man -> from Salford, Greater Manchester, was arrested on suspicion of -> making claims to have made goods appear contaminated." -> -> The man was bailed by police as detectives continued to -> investigate. This is the sort of sketchy-yet-unimportant article where you have to ask yourself, why are they even printing this if they don't have a photo of the label, don't know whether there was any dog poo in the meat, don't know how the man came to be arrested under "suspicion", and don't know what font the label was printed in? The Moonies have a slightly different version of the story: [www.upi.com] => => Dog feces listed among ham ingredients => => WAKEFIELD, England, Jan. 31 (UPI) -- A British meat processor on => Tuesday was frantically trying to recall packages of sliced ham => that list dog excrement as one of the ingredients. => => Mick Woods, 34, told The Mirror he lost his appetite when he opened => the $1.75 package labeled as "premium," and read the ingredients. => => Among them was a listing of "Dog Sh--," he told the newspaper. => => He said he and wife laughed long and hard, but didn't eat any of => the ham. => => Meanwhile, officials with Manchester meat manufacturer H.R. => Hargreaves & Son were scrambling to get all of the affected => packages recalled from stores before they could make it into => consumers' homes. => => The labeling prank was pulled by an employee who has since been => fired, the report said. I like the convention that "Sh--" is enough bleeping. Apparently "Shi-" is too little but "S---"is too much. Whatever happened to good ol' "S--t"? And has anyone ever used "S-i-" or "-h-t" or "-hi-"? I think from now on I'm going to greet people I don't like with "-hi-!" The story appears to have originated with The Daily Mirror. Their version doesn't have anything we don't already know, but dig the newspaper's crazy URLs: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=16646619&method=full&siteid=94762&headline=dog-s-dinner--name_page.html http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=16652138&method=full&siteid=94762&headline=man-held-in--poo--probe--name_page.html I have hired a team of scientists to determine what all those double hyphens could be bleeping out. Also, I told them I'd double their salaries if every five minutes they'll all run to the window and yell "MAN HELD IN POO PROBE!" -- K. ("SO TELL HIM TO STOP HOLDING IT IN!")