Date: Fri, 03 Feb 2006 17:38:54 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Why didn't anyone tell me? Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Why didn't anyone tell me that cherry Pez were back on the market in the United States? They turned up amid the super-giant Valentine's Day candy section at Target -- for 99c, a Pez dispenser with a heart-shaped head (as opposed to the normal head-shaped head) comes with the traditional three sticks of Pez, but at long last cherry has returned to the mix! (I think they may have dropped orange, I only saw cherry, grape, lemon, and strawberry in the assortments.) Of course, they're not the _good_ cherry Pez from Europe (of the two types from Europe, one tastes like delicious old-time American cherry Pez, and the other tastes like icky artificial cherry lollipops from the cheapest barbershop in town.) The new American cherry Pez taste something halfway between the two European types, except with much more citric acid, giving them an unpleasant mediciney taste like Sucrets. But with a slightly smoky-bitter undercurrent. They don't compare to the good stuff, especially for those of us who have secret stashes of the good Austrian Pez. I am very disappointed that none of you people was checking the stores every day just so you could be the first to tell me that cherry Pez had returned to the American consumer arena. In the future, I expect to be informed of further cherry Pez developments before the fat kid from "Stand By Me" is. Sincerely, the evil kid from "Stand By Me". You know, the one who killed all the others and then made them stop manufacturing the good Pez. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 07 Feb 2006 05:58:40 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Fun with spam, if that's possible. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Just for those of you who have never received any spam, here are some highlights from the lame Nigerian "send me one of each of whatever you sell" scams and Asian "be our sole North American distributor" scams I've gotten lately. -> From: "princess laura paul" (ashyshow@hotmail.com) -> Subject: order -> -> Hello sales, i will like to place an order for some of your condom -> to West Africa, Lagos -> -> Nigeria and the payment will be by credit card or wire transfer, -> i will like you to please mail -> -> me back your websites, if you are intrested in doing business with me, -> so that i can be able to -> -> give you detilas of every goods i will be needing. -> Thanks. -> -> i will be looking forward to hear from you asap -> -> ASHIM Dear Princess, Wow, it's amazing that you guessed that I'm one of the world's leading condom manufacturers. It's a sign of your penetrating intelligence that you guessed I'm the Kibo The Kondom King, because only a really smart princess would know that "condom manufacturer" is the world's most common occupation. => From: CANDYSEXPORT (sirpeterellis@yahoo.co.uk) => => CANDYS EXPORTS => Lower Main Street, => Shercock, Cavan. => Co. Cavan => EN8 7PG => => Goodday, => => We export raw materials for world trade We need representatives => who can help us establish a medium of getting to our costomers => in America and Canada,you shall also receive payments from our => creditors.Please if you are interested in transacting business => with Us, we will be very glad. Please contact our procurement => officer,Sir. Peter Ellis Hello, Sir Peter Candy Sexport. How can it be possible to have a "Lower Main Street"? That's as impossible as those scientists who claim the Earth has both an "outer core" and an "inner core". -> From: "GREDDY" (tom_shapira@mail.austria.com) -> Subject: New year order ....... -> Date: Wed, 28 Dec 2005 19:33:13 +0100 -> -> Hello sales, -> I am very glad and have interest to order from your -> store -> to one of my opening for the Xmax sales.Below are the -> questions? -> 1) I want to know the type of Credit card you accept . -> 2) I want to know if you due ship international . -> If so i will like you to get back to me with your web site -> information -> . Looking forward to read from you. -> Best Regards, -> Mr. Greddy. -> ---------------------------------------------- -> Das ist ein Service von austria.com Dear Herr Greddy Tom, I am sorry but I do not have an Xmax, or any other video game system sold only at OfficeMax. All I have is an OldNavyStation, a BuildABearCube, and a lousy Sears Tele*Games system. => Subject: BE OUR REPRESENTATIVE??? => From: mrwendylee (mrwendylee@yahoo.com.hk) => => => => ABLE TECHNOLOGY ( HONG KONG )LIMITED => Address FLAT 1608,FLOOR 16,RICKY => CENTRE, NO36 CHONG YIP STREET, => KOWLOON, HONGKONG => ?iFLAT/RM607 6/FYEN SHENG CENTRE 64 => HOI YUEN ROAD KWUN TONG?j => => Dear Sir/Madam, => => I am Mr Wendy Lee, Sales Curator of ABLE TECHNOLOGY ( HONG KONG => )LIMITED ,we are a group of company who deal on all kinds of electronic => Components and do business with companies throughout the world..We are => searching for representatives who can help us establish a medium of getting => to our customers in the Canada/America and Europe as well as making => payments through you to us.Please if you are interested in transacting => business with us we will be very glad. Dear Mr. Wendy, Wow, a boy named Wendy. I bet Peter Pan _really_ likes you. You have an iFlat? Cool! If you get enough of them, you can stack them up to make an actual three-dimensional Apple brick! However, I don't like how the iFlat's idea of E-mail is that you have to put the iFlat in an envelope. -> Date: 26 Jan 2006 16:34:09 -0000 -> Subject: Excesive user ! -> From: "eBay.com" (account@ebay.com) -> Received: from kilimanjaro.politecnica.edu.co -> (corporativo-7544-22.etb.net.co [200.75.44.22] (may be forged)) -> -> -> Excesive user ! password change required! -> -> Dear sir, -> -> It sims that on your mail it have been detected 2 users on ebay -> with this we hope that only the right customer will have access -> on ebay.We recently have determined that different computers -> have logged onto your eBay account, and multiple password -> failures were present before the logons. We strongly advice -> CHANGE YOUR PASSWORD. Dear Some Peak Of Mount Kilimanjaro Other Than The One With The Cool Name, It sims that I downloaded "The Sims" onto my cell phone's sims slot and it made by cell phone so full that it split apart along the sims and now I regret buying a cheap one at Sims Club instead of a real Wal-Mart. Also, if I ever fall for a stupid phishing attempt, it'll be from someone with better broken English. -- K. The only thing I'm an "Excesive user !" of would be White Castles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: Fun in the library... Date: Tue, 07 Feb 2006 05:59:08 -0500 Seen on DailyRotten.com today. [www.asuwebdevil.com] -> -> ASU police reported the following incidents Wednesday: -> -> An 18-year-old male ASU student was arrested Sunday night at Hayden -> Library and charged with indecent exposure and public sexual -> indecency. The suspect allegedly pulled his pants and underwear to -> his mid-thighs to masturbate while watching pornography on his -> laptop. When asked why he had gone to the library to view -> pornography and masturbate, the suspect allegedly told police, "To -> be honest, the Internet connection at my dorm isn't good enough." Wait a minute... there's a library with a _good_ Internet connection? Also, shouldn't this cheapskate have simply bought himself a little wireless card for his laptop? Then he could steal Internet access through a wall, so that he could stay home and jerk off while using someone else's bandwidth. That's what laptops are for! Except they get really hot on the bottom. I heard Apple is about to introduce a new laptop just for porn. It will have a wireless antenna designed to penetrate even the thickest library wall, and a little air conditioner in the bottom. The deluxe model also has a lotion dispenser. Of course, most of the profit will be in the sale of Apple Porn Lotion Refills. The laptop will be available covered in your choice of faux leopard fur, genuine leatherette, or inflatable big feet. And also, we need better Internet connections for dorms, and better entrance exams to ensure that colleges don't allow in any students who are so dumb as to go jerking off at the campus library instead of at the public library where they belong. I heard the Boston Public Library's going to expand their masturbation section to the entire third floor, instead of just around the broken copy machines. -- K. Hey Don, Do their restrooms still have that scented liquid soap that stains your pants? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: a wee bit of warm news Date: Wed, 08 Feb 2006 17:51:53 -0500 [www.dailysouthtown.com] -> -> This ol' guy can hold his water -> -> Sunday, January 29, 2006 -> -> By Dan Lavoie -> Staff writer -> -> Three stout highball glasses line the bathroom countertop in -> Edward Danis' tidy two-bedroom condo in Orland Park. -> -> Two of the glasses are for water. -> -> "The other one's for piss," the 84-year-old laughs. Worse Marine Corps chant ever. It really doesn't compare to any of R. Lee Ermey's, even the ones which attempt to rhyme "reacharound" with "clown". -> From a tiny brown eye-dropper bottle, Danis pours about two -> ounces of his morning urine into the glass. -> -> He smiles, lifts the glass to his lips and downs the amber -> liquid in a single gulp. -> -> "Bottom's up." The disgusting part is that it's not fresh urine. It's been sitting around in some bottle. It's probably not even warm! -> Every day for more than 12 years, Danis has swallowed about 18 -> ounces of his own urine -- more than 600 gallons total. At least -> a dozen jugs of "aging" urine are scattered through his home at -> all times. The "scattered" part is terrifying. How does he remember whether he's supposed to be drinking the living room urine or the bedroom urine? Or the rumpus room urine? Or the guest room urine? -> Danis massages himself with the liquid at least once a week. -> He claims it helps his joints. He puts nine drops in his eyes -> every morning to improve his sight. ALWAYS PUT YELLOW SALT IN YOUR EYES ALWAYS EAT THE YELLOW SNOW -> It's a cure-all, he says. The "natural healing powers" of urine -> have kept him healthy far beyond his years. -> -> [...] -> -> "Your own urine knows where to go, what to do to keep you -> healthy," he said. "You don't have to tell it." Well, you do have to _aim_ it. -> [...] -> -> Urine is mostly comprised of water, salts and other waste your -> body wants to get rid of. Putting it back in your body doesn't -> make sense, said Dr. Stephen Barrett, vice president of the -> National Council Against Health Fraud and the proprietor of -> quackwatch.org. -> -> "There's no evidence it works," he said. "But just about -> anything people can do has been tried. Someone, somewhere is -> going to try it." -> -> However, there is little inherently dangerous about urine. It's -> typically sterile, unless the urinator has a kidney infection -> or STD. This is why the first 300 pages of the novel "The Andromeda Strain" were about the scientists making their entire body sterile by diving into swimming pools of urine from around the world. That, and because Michael Crichton is a pretty bad writer. -> No thorough scientific studies have been done on the efficacy -> of urine therapy, though it is known that long-term exposure to -> acidic urea, a main component of urine, can cause kidney -> damage. By an odd coincidence, today, while checking out a local all-bootleg-goods 99c store (I was adding three more types of bootleg Sharpie markers to my collection) I saw little boxes of really sad-looking fake ivory dominoes that claimed they were made from 100% real urea (plus a little metal rivet in the center so you can spin the domino around, though I don't know why you need that.) Apparently somewhere in China they now have the technology to make solid blocks of urine suitable for family game night. -> After receiving a bulk mailer touting the health effects of -> urine, Danis turned to urine therapy on his own 13 years ago -> while starting to feel the pangs of arthritis. Wow. I just suddenly got the urge to become a spammer. Just think, when I send out 100,000,000 flyers telling people to eat a pound of ear wax, if even just one person does, I'll know I've made a difference! -> [...] -> -> Danis, who runs the one-man "Institute for the Enlightenment of -> Mankind" from his condo, initially couldn't stomach the thought -> of drinking straight urine. So he mixed about an ounce with -> twice as much water, some ginger and honey. -> -> "I didn't even taste it," he said. "There was no taste at all. -> Your taste buds get used to it after a while anyway." -> -> Every day for three weeks, the mixture got more and more potent -> until he was drinking pure urine. This is a new use of the word "pure". By the way, turns out that this wonderful newspaper took photos of the "Institute" a week and a half earlier and wants to sell them: http://dailysouthtown.mycapture.com/mycapture/folder.asp?event=94443 All's I know is that when I went to the Museum Of Questionable Medical Devices, I bought a book and a video, but if I ever go to this "Institute" I won't be visiting the cafeteria. -> Since then, urine has become his dominant health regimen, but -> not his only one. Danis' kitchen is littered with more than 150 -> bottles of herbal remedies, hand-labeled by the area of the -> body they help: "Joints," "Brain," "Sex." Sex isn't an area -- it's an urge! -> [...] -> -> And he wants to share his discovery. He's even sent letters to -> President Bush and Sen. John McCain hailing the benefits of -> urine therapy. -> -> Of course, Danis writes a lot of letters. I hereby officially award the writer of this article 700 Double Extra Secret Invisible Bonus Points for the paragraph, "Of course, Danis writes a lot of letters." Dear TV Guide, Walker, Texas Ranger should drink his own urine! Knight Rider should drink his own urine! I am not a crackpot! Sincerely, C. R. Ackpot!!! P.S. Cookie Monster should drink his own urine! -> In the past 20 years -- ever since a "spiritual awakening" -> aboard a plane for Acapulco -- Danis has hand-written more than -> 2,600 articles totaling more than 5 million words on issues -> from government ethics to transcendental religion. Biiiiiiiiig deal. I've _typed_ my 15,000 crackpot articles about transcendental religion, whatever that is. -> The articles are stacked neatly in cardboard boxes in his -> living room and stored in folders in his late wife's dresser. And just like Henry Darger, after he dies, some museum will buy the whole collection and carefully index all those hand-written stories about the dolphin from "seaQuest" drinking his own urine and proclaim that he's better than real artists because he's an "outsider artist", i.e. so completely untalented that he was unrecognized in his own lifetime. -> [...] -> -> During the past two decades, Danis has developed an intricate -> belief system that weaves reincarnation, government secrets and -> the search for the elusive "sixth sense." -> -> The father of two sons says his travels -- and his urine -- have -> left him free from pain and heartache. -> -> "I've experienced heaven on earth for the past 20 years," he -> said. "It's incredible. Nothing bothers me. Sometimes I have to -> pinch myself." And if you pinch yourself while urinating, you can go back in time! Unless you pinch the wrong spot, and then your kidneys explode. Now, pinch yourself in reverse to make yourself go forwards in time -- look, it's suddenly three days later! [www.dailysouthtown.com] => => Urine drinker booted from job as crossing guard => => Thursday, February 2, 2006 => => By Dan Lavoie => Staff writer => => Drinking your own urine? Orland Park police have no problem => with that. Good, 'cause it's such a pain to drive to the next county every time you get thirsty for urine. And what if the next county over doesn't even have restrooms in their public library? => But drink it in a front-page newspaper article while wearing => your crossing guard uniform complete with official police => insignia, and there will be problems. Wait... crossing guards are police there? Wow. Now I'm hopeful that this means that perhaps someday the local mall's food court cops will become real cops, which would be good because fake cops are far more likely to hassle people for the power trip. Especially in Blockbuster. Whether or not they had any urine to drink that day. => Ed Danis, the 84-year-old Orland Park "urine therapy" devotee => featured in a Jan. 29 Southtown story, has been suspended from => his job as a crossing guard, effective Wednesday. Well, if he's 84, he could always get a job choosing which shirts would look "hip" on Trader Joe's employees. => Orland Park Police Chief Tim McCarthy, whose department => oversees the part-time guards, said Danis had been warned in => writing twice before that he was not allowed to espouse his => beliefs while on duty or in his uniform. => => "It has nothing to do with urine therapy," McCarthy said. => "People cannot go around in Orland Park police uniforms => speaking out on any issues." So, whenever those cops come to your elementary school to tell you to Don't Do Drugs, they all get fired the same day? => [...] => => Danis confirmed that he had been disciplined twice before for => discussing urine therapy while on duty. The most recent => incident happened in February 2004 when a fellow guard => complained after Danis suggested that her friend gargle her => own urine to cure a sore throat, he said. And now, the genius will solve _any_ problem by telling you to drink your own urine! DEAR DOCTOR P, MY PROBLEM IS THAT I NEVER GO TO THE BATHROOM Thus, his syndicated column ended halfway through the first installment. Also, if this ever goes to court, I'm sure the crossing guard's lawyer will point out that he didn't tell her to drink it, he only told her to _gargle_ with it. That way she would get all the taste, with none of the calories! => [...] => => Though Danis said he'd miss the $13-an-hour, 20-hour-a-week => job, he is comforted through urine therapy. => => "I told you that nothing bothers me anymore" since he started => drinking about 18 ounces of his own urine daily about 12 years => ago. The really weird part is that he thinks drinking urine is good for you unless you drink that nineteenth ounce. What happens then? Do your eyeballs turn yellow? Or maybe just the bottom halves? => Danis is convinced that the medical establishment is trying to => keep urine therapy a secret. => => "I think someone in the medical lobby got to the chief of => police," he said. "They don't want this out." I can prove there's a conspiracy of all the doctors in the world: Just ask them whether cutting your head off will make you taller and smarter and Pope. Not _one_ of them will admit that he or she can't be sure because they didn't try it themselves! -- K. How come "MythBusters" never did an episode about drinking your own urine? I wouldn't like to see that episode, but I'd like to see someone see that episode. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: ___cil in ___dulous ___is ___etrates bladder very ___fully Date: Wed, 15 Feb 2006 13:07:29 -0500 This was on Ananova, so it's probably bogus, but still, it's food for thought. [www.ananova.com] -> -> Pencil in penis backfires -> -> A Serbian man needed emergency surgery after sticking a pencil -> inside his penis to keep it stiff during sex. Cue Grandpa Simpson: "That'll really put lead in your pencil!" -> Zeljko Tupic, from Belgrade, told doctors he had experienced -> erectile difficulties in the past. This is the part of the episode where Doctor Who brags about having had erectile difficulties in the future but not until the second cosmic epoch of the New Roman Empire, and how pathetic it is that humans focus so much attention on whether they can get an erection instead of on the much more sophisticated technique of figuring out how to get their penises to penetrate the time barrier. Without that knowledge, if you build a time machine, the first time you use it your penis falls off. It's the Blinovich Limitation Effect! Also, this paragraph says the word "penis" too many times. But that's okay because it's being used in the medical sense and not just the coincidental sense of someone trying to yell "MY PEN IS IN A VERY SPECIAL PLACE" so fast that they have to leave out all the spaces between the words especially since in this case it was a pencil not a pen. The pen disappeared from the doctor's office after the doctor started writing prescriptions with a rectal thermometer and some asshole walked off with the pen. The thing that makes Doctor Who better than an actual doctor is that he really can write with a rectal thermometer, and that confuses the Daleks so much that they spontaneously explode without him even having to stick a pencil down their plunger. -> So as he prepared for a night with his new lover, he decided to -> insert a thin pencil into his penis. An extra-thin pencil in the penis, and you don't want to know where he put the Number Two. The big question is, did his lover mind waiting all that time while this guy played a full round of miniature golf just to get the little pencil? -> Tupic had to cut his sex session short when the pencil shifted -> and became lodged in his bladder, forcing him to call an -> ambulance, the daily Kurir reported. -> -> Doctor Aleksandar Milosevic from Belgrade's Zvezdara hospital, -> who succesfully removed the pencil, said: "At first the patient -> did not tell us what really happened, but x-rays proved the truth. "Then he said that his belt spontaneously broke and his pants fell down and he tripped and fell on the pencil six times to accidentally get it all the way through his urethra." I'll wager nobody gets lied to more often than a urologist, except perhaps IRS auditors, or worse, IRS urologists. -> "Tupic said he had no idea there were things like Viagra -> available but agreed that in future he will try pills before he -> takes any more chances with pencils." I hope he remembers he has to try the pills fifteen minutes before he inserts the pencil. In any case, Serbia must be a backwards country if they haven't yet even invented the Pierceless Prince's Wand. (DON'T GOOGLE THAT!) Note that "DON'T GOOGLE THAT!" will be next season's hot new sitcom starring that guy from "Perfect Strangers" and that other guy from "Perfect Strangers" as they surf the Web together, leading to crazy mix-ups, hilarious misunderstandings, and zany schemes which cause crazy mix-ups and hilarious misunderstandings. In the second season, the show will be retooled and the title "DON'T GOOGLE THAT!" will be shortened to "DGT!" in order to keep up with the way nobody spells out whole words on the Internet, but "DGT!" will have to be shortened even more once all keyboards evolve a single key that makes the international pictogram for "DON'T GOOGLE THAT!" (It's a little picture of that guy from a certain .cx site.) -- K. I'm still really busy, but I will always take the time to read an article about an idiot shoving something up his pee-hole. It was either that or look at the new Abu Ghraib photos and I stand by my decision because probably not one of the photos involved a pencil. Hmm, I'd better make sure. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ___cil in ___dulous ___is ___etrates bladder very ___fully Date: Wed, 15 Feb 2006 13:51:57 -0500 With regard to the article I just posted about pencil/urethral interfacing... I just got mail from Doctor Who! I was just cleaning a whole bunch of recent spam out of my mailbox, and found this one I received a few days ago. It's one of those generic, automatically-generated ones that can be summarized as "I carefully added a link to your Web site on my Web page and I am not a robot and therefore you should link to me to boost my Google ranking because I am not a robot I am not a robot beeeeeeep": -> Date: Fri, 10 Feb 2006 12:58:28 -0600 -> To: kibo@world.std.com -> Subject: Parry, your website has been added... -> From: Webmaster(toybuy@bestwebdoctors.com) -> -> I'm the webmaster of a large toy buy resource website at -> http://www.sextoybuy.com. -> -> I've collected quality links to best toy buy resources on the Internet on -> my links page. All links are collected from top search engines results by -> toys related keywords. -> -> I came across your site and feel that it'd make perfectly fit in my -> collection of quality links about toys, dvd. -> -> I've already placed a link to your web site along with a description at -> http://www.sextoybuy.com/electricsextoyurethral How did they know that a few days later I'd post that article about the guy sticking a pencil into his urethra? And how did they know that the pencil was electrified? Even I hadn't figured that out yet! They must have a pencil-in-urethral capable time scanner that can see pencils in urethras throughout all history! Pencils in urethras during the Kennedy assasination! Pencils in urethras during caveman times! Pencils in urethras from a trillion years after humans have evolved beyond the need for bodies except for urethras! -> I'd appreciate if you'd place a link back to my site using the following -> link and description. Failure to do so may cause your link to be removed. AWWWWWWW. I went to the site in question and read through the automatically-scraped garbage just to see my own name in actual letters on the page of things a robot thinks are about electrical urethral joy: => China wand faecher => barrel cleaning wand Electric Purple wand Real Magic Wands crystal => wand sex toy telescoping wand clorox Wand aveda wand mascara => => My Message Board => Affordable Magic Wands Electric Wand how to Wooden Magic Wands => urethral wand wands harry potters wand. crystal wand sex toy. => chinese => => Bulletin Board => hermione%27s wand Electric Wand Magic Wand Wand Car Wash Systems => wicca wands crystal wand sex toy Impulse i5%2B => => Electric Sex Guide => discussed, it is not considered "safe sex" and we the most => frequently used erotic electrical toy is Electric catheters are also => => A Brief Introduction to Electrical Play and Toys V. 1.0, (c)1998, => It doesn't do any of that, but it does make a wonderful sex toy! => devices from Paradise Electo Stimulations (PES) and Folsum Electric => Company => => The Vacuum Cleaner => "Gee, we never had an electric vacuum cleaner in our => "C?mon Sara, this is just a sex toy. It doesn?t really enlarge => your penis." => => Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James => as opposed to side-o-urethral, which would of inflatable dolls will => stand behind their > products Hey, if I were in a sex-toy shop in I don't remember saying that, or ever having been that incoherent. (One quick search later returning a very clear result since only I have ever said the word "side-o-urethral"...) Turns out it's a garbled version of something I said on the same topic in 1999, but with spaghetti instead of a pencil: /////////// RE-RUN FOLLOWS /////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: How''s Bayou? (WAS Raisin Bran! Woo!) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.folklore.urban Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 01:59:08 GMT Okay, first we were talking about Raisin Bran, then about anti-Semitism on game shows, then about Joe Bay having a lava lamp in his pants, and now the topic of this topic seems to be men who accidentally sit on uncooked spaghetti and then have to go to their doctor every time they do it twice a day, courtesy some cross-pollination via alt.folklore.urban. Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Is that a piece of uncooked spaghetti in your pants, or are you just > > Archimedes Plutonium? > > And I quote: > > Am J Forensic Med Pathol 1986 Sep;7(3):254-5 > > Masturbation injury resulting from > intraurethral introduction of spaghetti. Could be worse. Could be interurethral. That would mean that either you have two of 'em or else you're indulging in the most perverted practice ever invented, "Spaghetti swapping". > Bacci M, Porena M Please say that was supposed to be spelled "Purina". Please please please. By the way, does it bother anyone else that in Purina Cat Chow commercials they flash their Web site's address (in case your cat uses the Web) on the screen as +--+--+--+ |##| |##| +--+--+--+ | |##| |.COM +--+--+--+ |##| |##| +--+--+--+ ? Also I apologize for filling my Cartesian tic-tac-toe quadrature with little tic-tac-toes. THIS WEB SITE HAS A FRACTAL ADDRESS!!!! > A singular case of masturbation by endourethral introduction as opposed to side-o-urethral, which would REALLY hurt. > of a piece of spaghetti is reported. Especially at parties. And on alt.religion.kibology. And CNN Headline News. > We became aware of the case because fragmentation of the spaghetti made one of us late to work > caused a cicatricial stenosis of the urethra Could be worse. Could have been "cocatricial". That's when your winky turns to stone. (Nick Bensema and/or Louis Nick will now make a joke about their dog trying to eat a dead lowercase "c" in Nethack.) And at least it was stenosis, not ibmselectricosis (no jokes about angry golf balls, please!) or sternosis, the only thing that can keep The Andromeda Stain off your pants. (Matt McIrvin will now explain what this has to do with the guy who had the little cameo in Tom Arnold's "The Stupids".) > that required surgical treatment. OH NO! HE HAS A SPAGHETTI PUNCTURE IN HIS YOU-KNOW! WE BETTER CUT IT OPEN!!! > (end quoted material -- FOREVER!) > > UNSUBSCIRBE You misspelled "circumscribe" when you were trying to misspell "circumcise". THUS ENDETH TODAY'S LESSON IN WHY LATIN WORDS ARE FUNNIER THAN GREEK WORDS. -- K. I hear that in Greek, "Kukla, Fran, & Ollie" means "cross-burners". /////////// RE-RUN ENDS AND DAMN IT'S PROBABLY GOING TO MESS UP THAT PARSER I'VE BEEN WORKING ON ESPECIALLY THIS LINE //////////////////// So let's see. Over the years I also once posted something about a guy who had a length of plastic tubing balled up inside his bladder, and that guy who accidentally squirted an entire tube of Krazy Glue down his pee-hole. But the spambot that assembled the fake Web page chose the line about "side-o-urethral" over all my other articles on the important subject of men who try to keep all their possessions in their penis, and indeed over most Web sites which actually sell electrified urethral tridents or whatever. (I think Amazon has an entire category for them.) All's I know is that there's something cool about knowing robots think you are a more prominent sex toy store than Amazon is. YAY MY IMAGINARY SUPERMARKET NOW CARRIES ELECTRIFIED URETHRAL INSERTABLES NEXT TO THE CHEETOS! I hate Cheetos. Can someone please explain the sentence after the "-- K." to me? I mean the one above, not the one below. Hopefully when I write the one below I'll think up something I'll still be able to comprehend seven years later. -- K. Uh oh, Potsie just inserted an entire Build-A-Bear Workshop side-o-urethrally! Bad Serbian Potsie!