From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bob Hope Date: Mon, 24 Apr 2006 13:24:14 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] he was too chicken to take Andy Kaufman's challenge. > > I think the rules for the Kaufman-vs-Hope "joke-off" said something like > > whoever gets the most laughs gets to be addressed as "Mr. Bob Hope" > > for a year, and the other one gets killed. > > They had the joke-off. Bob Hope cheated, and the method of killing > was cancer. The rest is history. What? You believe Andy Kaufman actually died? Not true, man. I know because while I was watching a juggler at Quincy Market last week, I saw Conan O'Brien watching the same juggler and when he saw me staring at him he put on these big dopey Yoko Ono sunglasses which proves my insane theory because if Conan O'Brien thinks he's Yoko Ono than surely Andy Kaufman can't think he's dead because last I heard Yoko Ono hadn't killed Bob Hope. YOKO ONO MUST SHOOT BOB HOPE FOR STEALING CONAN O'BRIEN'S IDENTITY. You know, the street performers at Quincy Market are mostly doing stuff I can do, and I have a better mostly-Mohawk than any of them. So, should I become a street performer, or will that make Conan O'Brien shoot me? Sincerely, Tarja Halonen. -- K. P.S. Bob Hope never found out what any of the products he endorsed tasted like, except maybe the embalming fluid. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "KILO" not "KIBO" in the head shop window. Date: Mon, 24 Apr 2006 13:38:53 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Today I went in the "Head & Lifestyle Shop" ("Lifestyle"?!) to do the > research you requested. > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Do they have the standard sign saying "ALL GLASSWARE IS FOR > > TOBACCO USE ONLY"? > > "All smoking implements are for tobacco products only." Okay, next you have to go back so you can ask the nice people whether a mixture of 50% tobacco and 50% crack counts as a tobacco product. Then ask about 55-45, 60-40, 65-35, etc. mixtures until you find exactly where the dividing line is. Then ask them to sell you that percentage of an ounce of tobacco. If they get all weird, just say you're Michael Moore working undercover for the CIA. > > And the tiny cardboard roses packed in > > the NOT A CRACK PIPE crack pipes? > > I didn't see anything that I thought looked like a crack pipe. EXACTLY. Since anything can be used as a crack pipe, there's every reason to assume the makers won't make them look like what you think crack pipes should look like. You know that aisle of the supermarket that has six brands of bendy straws? Nobody uses those for anything but crack pipes, just like how nobody ever buys that one Pel-Freez frozen quartered rabbit that's been there since the Cretaceous. > > And the handcuffs priced at $80 for a $15 pair of single-locking shoddies? > > They had an enormous selection of rolling papers, a lot of hydroponic > gardening supplies, and some "comic" wigs (including a "pornstar wig > with moustache") as well as a plastic "wacky weed garland" (with > "Don't be a dope -- don't smoke" printed on the packaging). > > There was a also a mezzaluna and board with "Chop 'n' Roll" printed on > it. But no handcuffs! Now you know you can rob them blind and just laugh when they tackle you and try to tie you up by licking rolling papers and putting them around your wrists. > The goth shop ("Rocky Horrors") doesn't seem to have handcuffs either, > although they have plastic barbed-wire wristbands. Yeah, but you can get those anywhere. They probably also had the bacon-colored wristbands that say "BACON" made by Archie McPhee (aka "Accoutrements" when bought at a competing store.) A couple days ago I was in an Army surplus store and I bought this really nice Croatian camo shirt (the Serbs had ordinary greenish- black camo, so naturally the Croatians needed to have the exact opposite -- weird orange-rust camo.) When the clerk was ringing up my shirt, I saw that there was a Czech rubber truncheon under the counter, and I have always (since the age of two) wanted a real Soviet-bloc truncheon, so I asked to inspect this one (I wanted to make sure I wasn't spending six dollars on a used one I'd have to wash the bloodstains off) but they had a rule that they had to hold my ID while I looked at the truncheon. I guess that they were afraid I was going to hold up the store with the six-dollar bendy rubber stick so they wanted to be able to identify me afterwards. So instead I just picked up any of the various metal or plastic objects in the store and robbed them with that. Then the embellished part of this story ran out and I bought the rubber stick for six dollars. The End. So what sort of sick area do you live in where you have to go to actual police-supply stores to get the handcuffs you buy? -- K. What do you think of the weird four-sided keys they recently started using for the Chinese Communist prison shackles? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Toys of DQQM! Date: Mon, 24 Apr 2006 13:46:31 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > From a recent RISKS digest about deadly software bugs: > -> > -> A classic example of this is Japanese Bullet Train Doors opening when > -> passing Apartment Complexes due to lots of kids playing Electronic Toys. > -> This can kill passengers sucked out of the trains in the decompression. Noooooooooooooooo! Sonny Chiba got sucked... out! Now who will aid the Golden Bat in his quest to defend the children of Japan? Now who will hang out with Vic Morrow in outer space? Now who will teach Tarantino which swords are the good ones? Now who will glue eight pounds of fun fur to his eyebrows to look like Golgo 13? Reverse the Shinkansen, maybe we can catch Sonny Chiba before he lands! It matters not that a sudden reversal at high speed will cause additional frottage in the mixed-gender cars! We must save Sonny Chiba in order to reduce the number of movies Takeshi Kitano is in! > I KNEW those Pokemon toys were EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL! In one of the Commie-oriented video shops in Chinatown, I recently paid $2.50 for some obviously-bootlegged Asian horror movie whose title was given on the package as "TAMAGOTCHI". I'm sure you remember the Tamagotchi. It was the first toy where you had to feed it, or you'd die. -- K. I think the first toy I ever killed was Mr. Potato Head. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Naked hammer-swinger! Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2006 11:58:55 -0400 [apnews.myway.com] -> -> Carpenter Who Works Naked Is Arrested -> -> Apr 21, 4:00 PM (ET) -> -> OAKLAND, Calif. (AP) -- A carpenter who keeps his clothes clean by -> working in the nude was arrested after a client returned home early -> and found him building bookcases in the buff. I find this article highly dubious, as it sounds more like a "Match Game" question than a real news story. I bet they're going to make up some funny name for the alleged pervert, like "Percy Horniball". -> Percy Honniball, 50, was charged with misdemeanor indecent exposure -> this week for the October incident. -> -> He told officers he stripped before crawling under the client's -> house to do electrical work because he didn't want to soil his -> clothes, police said. Then Adam Savage made fun of his walrus mustache and then the two of them blew up the whole house with a thousand bug bombs. -> Honniball said Thursday that working au naturel gave him a better -> range of motion and that a skilled craftsman can work clothing -- -> and injury -- free. Well, certainly, I would agree that the people who invented the first clothing were probably working in the nude. The problem is, do you really want to have to install carpet in your house just to cover up the contractor's skid marks? -> [...] -> -> Honniball says he doesn't plan to do work in his birthday suit -> again. All he needs to do is drive across the bridge to San Francisco to buy a clear latex construction worker outfit. I'm sure they have them at the Mr. S store. -> Police said he apologized to the startled homeowner, but -> was fired. The homeowner paid Honniball for the finished work, -> but deducted $200. -> -> "He kept out that amount to change his locks," Oakland Police -> Officer Jesse Grant said. And then the locksmith showed up wearing a BLANK. (wacky music plays while I do a Web search) That article was allegedly sourced from the Oakland Tribune, so I hunted them down and found this: [www.insidebayarea.com] => => Carpenter arrested for working in the buff -- again. => => By Harry Harris and Kristin Bender -- Staff Writers => => OAKLAND -- Most carpenters work in coveralls or at least pants => and a shirt. Police say Percy Honniball prefers to do his work => in his birthday suit. => => ``It's more comfortable,'' said Honniball in a phone interview => Thursday. ``The primary reason is so I (won't) dirty my clothes and => have to get into my truck with dusty clothes on.'' And then he floors his truck's accelerator while naked... and barefoot! By the way, I find it hard to believe that this is a real phone interview with a nudist, because the first question wasn't "What are you wearing?" => But not everyone is tolerant of nude carpenters. I am, although the Romans tended to nail them to things. => [...] => => Oakland Police Officer Jesse Grant said that when asked by the => homeowner what was going on, Honniball ``didn't address the fact => that he was naked, only that he was sorry that he was behind in the => work'' building bookcases. => => Honniball initially told Grant and Officer Shawn Johnson that he => shed his clothes because he had to crawl under the house to do some => electrical work and didn't want them to get dirty. Those must be some bitchin' electric bookcases! => [...] => => Asked about the dangers of working in the buff, Honniball said => skilled workman can do it without trouble. => => ``In certain situations such as demolitions where you are smashing => rock you want to be clothed and protected because this rock can => harm you,'' he said. Other household tasks you don't want to do naked: Deep-frying frozen food, giving the cat her medicine, opening Jerry Seinfeld's pickle jar, and sitting on vinyl. => [...] => => The officers said Honniball knew from past encounters with police => that such conduct was wrong but he said he liked the idea of people => seeing him. => => Honniball said some homeowners who have hired him have welcomed the => practice, which he insists he does not do for sexual pleasure. What does Perverted Percy do for sexual pleasure? He BLANKS. (music plays while Charles Nelson Reilly strips down to his toupee and dances atop an electric bookcase) => [...] => => ``This is very costly,'' he said. ``The officers actually arrested => me and I spent a whole day in jail before I was able to make bail. => It was very unpleasant.'' "...except for the strip-search, which was over in no time at all." -- K. Things Oakland is famous for: 1.) The Hell's Angels 2.) Half of Starfleet headquarters 3.) The naked carpenter 4.) The Oakland Angels Of Anaheim Brand Baseball Experience Of California Of North America 5.) Pretending the constant earthquakes are the only reason there's never been a sitcom set there yet ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A Web site without a ratings icon is like a fish without a zeppelin Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2006 12:01:34 -0400 [news.com.com] -> -> Gonzales calls for mandatory Web labeling law -> -> By Declan McCullagh -> Staff Writer, CNET News.com -> -> Published: April 20, 2006, 11:35 PM PDT -> -> Web site operators posting sexually explicit information must place -> official government warning labels on their pages "WARNING: THE NAKED PICTURE ABOVE CONTAINS NUDITY" -> or risk being imprisoned for up to five years, As if that'll make a difference. Everyone in the United States already risks being imprisoned for up to five years for everything they ever do. Like, you know how hack standup comedians always used to talk about the "DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW" tags on mattresses? The reason you don't hear complaints about those any more is that all those comedians went to jail for not meeting the Federal Standard Of Funny. Also you can go to jail for owning any sort of device that allows you to watch pirated movies, such as a TV set or a pair of eyeglasses. And forget about growing your own vegetables without government approval. You could go to jail for not using enough pesticides. And never, ever even attempt to buy a cigarette in public. From now on, all cigarette vending machines must be installed in private homes. And let's not forget saying dirty words at hockey games. In America, hockey players have to yell "Oh, fiddlesticks!" whenever they break a stick. And their jockstraps have to be shaped like black rectangles. -> the Bush administration proposed Thursday. -> -> A mandatory rating system will "prevent people from inadvertently -> stumbling across pornographic images on the Internet," Attorney -> General Alberto Gonzales said at an event in Alexandria, Va. Well, no. But it would help people _find_ the porn when they go looking for it. No longer would you have to waste time typing "you must be over 18" or "click here to exit" into Google. You could just set Internet Explorer to block all the clean sites, and then surf at random. -> The Bush administration's proposal would require commercial Web -> sites to place "marks and notices" to be devised by the Federal -> Trade Commission on each sexually explicit page. And if you get one of those as a tattoo, you can walk around naked! It's in the Constitution! Because I said so! Look, I have two copies of my Constitution right here and both say so. The Government says mine's not real but to prove it they can only produce that _one_ copy of the Constitution from the National Archives. Two beats one! It says that right at the top! Also, theirs is really old so it's public-domain but mine's copyrighted because it's brand new and therefore mine's better because remakes of movies are always better than the originals. My Constitution's in color and letterboxed with interactive menus! -> The definition of sexually explicit broadly covers depictions -> of everything from sexual intercourse and masturbation to -> "sadistic abuse" and close-ups of fully clothed genital regions. Well, this'll at least cut down on those Web sites that do the silly design where they tell their HTML editing program to chop up all the images into little bits to make each of the 50,000 pieces load in only 90% of the time the full image would take (apiece.) The new law means that every one of those mosaics now contains one dirty part. I heard David Cronenberg was hospitalized after he tried to grow a black rectangle where he shouldn't have. -- K. I tried to write the government a letter to protest the proposed regulations for Web sites, but I kept misspelling "Dear United States Government" as "Dear China", so I gave up and just decided to say the word "FUCK" on the Internet an extra time today. FUCK! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Web site without a ratings icon is like a fish without a zeppelin Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2006 12:40:07 -0400 Otto Bahn (http://www.brown-recluse.com/bitephotos.html) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You could just set Internet Explorer to block all the clean sites, > > and then surf at random. > > You'll never admit it, but you're an anarchist at heart. > Your gall bladder, however, is a dictator. That's why I firmly believe there should be complete anarchy with me controlling it with an iron fist. I may be a Space Viking, a Round-Eye Ninja, the King Of Terror, a Weatherproof Monk, and Captain Shazbot, but I am not an anarchist. I just like blowing up society for no reason. The difference between me and an anarchist is that an anarchist says "I'm an anarchist" but I don't believe in labels of any sort. It says that right on the wallet card I gave myself when I became the King Of Terror. Also I use my superpowers to defend the children of Japan from space monsters, and I defend space monsters from Earth Muppets, and I can turn off TVs that aren't even turned on. I believe everyone should wear armor all the time, but only mine should work. I believe the Village People should be deputized. I eat thoughts out of people's heads, and my hands can crush any dream, even those of fictional characters. All fictional characters do what I tell them, and always have. I am a Space Ninja, King Of Monks, Terror-Eye Roundbot, and Captain Me, and I am not an anarchist, no matter what my kidneys have been telling you. When I try to draw the internationally-unanimously-agreed-upon-by-committee symbol for "anarchy", it comes out looking like a "ShawScope" logo. When I try to write a graffiti tag, it is invisible because my signature is "POST NO BILLS" in Helvetica. I use entire sausages as sausage casings for new sausages. I invented over 4,000 new flavors of bacon by accident. Once I barfed and the movie "Yellow Submarine" came out. I am a Space Monk, Captain King, Robot Ninja, Round Something. I eat Captain Crunch for breakfast. I will not be mocked, not by you, not by the automatic mocking machines I demand be installed in every home. I require all citizens to wear armbands that cover their faces. I insist that all self- destruct buttons be mis-labeled. I shoot James Bond before I make the long speech. I can jump a motorcycle over a country. I am Leader Kibo and welcome to my anarchy. -- K. Writing lots of manifestoes makes you taller! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Do people really need more DVDs that don't even star me? Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2006 12:05:16 -0400 You know how every once in a while, a DVD label will cancel the release of some TV show because they claim it won't be profitable? Well, MPI is soon to release the 27th box set of "Dark Shadows", a relatively obscure '60s soap opera (about vampires etc.) that seems to be profitable for them even though it must only have a few insanely-devoted fans remaining. How big a nerd do you have to be to want to own all 1225 episodes? I'm not saying it's a bad show (I'm not going to judge it, as I've never seen it, and nobody else young enough to have heard of DVDs has ever seen it) but come on, why buy 1225 episodes of anything? That's roughly the episode count for all the versions of "Doctor Who" plus all the spin-offs of "Star Trek", yet it can't be even a fiftieth as popular. But somehow MPI is making enough money for the release of a 27th box set to be justified. So I stand by my assumption that it's impossible for a DVD box set to lose money. (All they have to do is trick one sucker into buying the whole series, and they're rich!) The highest-quantity-of-content DVD package I've ever bought -- a 30-hour version of "The Monkey King" I got in Chinatown -- cost me one penny per minute ($20.50). At $60 per box set, owning a complete run of "Dark Shadows" is seven cents a minute ($1260). It should at least come with a T-shirt that says "FOR $1260, I AM NOW THE BIGGEST DORK IN THE WORLD." Oh, wait, the 27 box sets don't include all 1225 episodes, there will be a few more box sets before they're finished. So you have to spend more than $1260 to be entitled to be the biggest dork in the world. But why spend that much? If you send me just half that amount, $630, I will personally call you on the phone and certify you as the biggest dork in the world. Just send me the money and start waiting by the phone. -- K. Cool, this might be my chance to talk to Mark Hamill! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Do people really need more DVDs that don't even star me? Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2006 15:06:42 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, MPI is soon to release the 27th box set of "Dark Shadows", > > [...] How big a nerd do you have to be to want to own all 1225 episodes? > > They must not have had to clear any of the music. Either that or they just figured no lawyer would have enough free time to check all 1225. I just saw a lame old kung-fu movie which used almost the entire score from "The Godfather". It wasn't working for me at all because I kept imagining a much better movie where James Caan was trying to roller-skate through a tollbooth but got kicked to death by the Tokyo team. Then there was a huge "Matrix"-style wire-fu fight between Marlon Brando and John Houseman, and Houseman was covered in Puritan oil but Brando was armed with a stick of butter. Then it got stupid. > At some point, TV shows started using actual popular music in their > soundtracks, and little did they know they'd be sabotaging their > future DVD profits. And this is why you will never, ever see MTV's "Daria" on DVDs or in re-runs or in five-dimensional smellovision. Which is a shame, because it was the better of the two spinoffs of "Beavis & Butthead" -- the one done without MTV's approval is good ("King Of The Hill") but the one done without Mike Judge's approval ("Daria") was better. I wish they'd do a crossover and have Daria move in with Dale Gribble. Come on, you know they'd love to watch "Sick, Sad World" together while she tries her best to destroy his brain. -- K. The other show I'm bummed over rights issues keeping it off DVDs: "Batman". Warner Bros. owns Batman himself, but Fox made the TV show, and the only way it'll ever get released is if the WB and Fox merge into some sort of super-crappy network. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Do people really need more DVDs that don't even star me? Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2006 12:53:33 -0400 Otto Bahn (http://www.brown-recluse.com/bitephotos.html) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote > > > > [...] It should at least come with a T-shirt that says > > "FOR $1260, I AM NOW THE BIGGEST DORK IN THE WORLD." > > I spend about $12 twice a week to win stupid T-shirts. > Then again, I get to drink 16 ounce draft Yuenglings and > play poker, so I'm getting beer, T-shirts and entertainment > for my $12. I spend about $10 a week on street performers, because I feel I should pay them at least until they figure out that I'm planning to steal all their acts for the one-man circus I'm going to start someday. I give more money if they do at least one thing I know I can't do. The nice thing about street performing is that instead of the audience paying before the show, they pay when they're meeting the performer face-to-face at the end, so although this close encounter creates an obligation to the audience to pay, it also makes it more likely that you can get the performer to tell you how the stunts work. The secret is to be very obviously and very slowly moving your hand towards your money pocket while asking him about the props. Also, have a better brightly-colored Mohawk than he does. This prevents you from escaping without paying for your fun -- because you'll be the guy in the crowd the performer is focusing on -- but it means the crowd will part ways for you to talk to him because they think you're also about to squirm out of a straitjacket. I need to buy a tennis racket and take the strings out and walk around with it around my waist, 'cause for some reason that seems to impress people. Maybe I should print up a sign that says "NOW YOU OWE ME MONEY BECAUSE I'M NOT AS FAT AS YOU" and go into business. Support your local street performers, because otherwise you'd have to watch TV, and watching a street performer doing some easy trick while talking directly to the humans in the audience is a million times better than watching David Blaine on TV doing the same trick for the paid shills and the camera lens. Also, it's fun to watch the little kids who don't understand that they shouldn't just randomly interfere with the act. Street performances always turn into improv halfway through because they're all struck by a case of Wandering Toddler. -- K. Maybe you should combine poker with street performing to get something that's like those incredibly uninteresting poker TV shows but good. Just think, you could have a whole crowd of people looking at your cards and radiating tells. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Important Notice Date: Wed, 26 Apr 2006 12:37:30 -0400 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > I have just discovered that I AM NOT A ROBOT! > > **** > This text had been classified as > AUTHENTIC > with a 96.3% chance of being an authentic paper > **** > > YES! Take THAT, America! Sorry, everyone else in America _is_ a robot and you will now be disintegrated. Except for the 3.7% of you which might be a good droid. We will save it in a protective vial in case science ever finds a use for shreds of things. Also, you're still using paper? Bah! Primitive Earth technology! Us Robot Space Vikings have considered paper obsolete since we invented edible underwear you can write on with bacon! It makes even the most boring jury duty fun provided the judge allows note-taking! The next question is, how do you know that the person who personally certified your paper authentic is an authentic person and not just some robot? I demand you show me your certificate of authenticity for your certificate of authenticity, and also, I have Marshall McLuhan right here (holds up vial of old bacon grease.) -- K. I dare you to submit this article to your robot paper-grader. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Another divider bar story... Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2006 14:57:06 -0400 So I'm at my local Whole Foods Market (which I still call by its former name, "Bread & Circus", because I like gladiators) and I get in the checkout line behind a woman who is buying only one item, a salad in a plastic box. This market used to have primitive extruded rubber tubes for the divider bars (red, square cross-section, hollow) because they didn't believe in molded plastic (except for the packaging of organic salads) but in recent years they've switched to wooden divider bars. I don't normally use the things (I have little fear that the people ahead of me will accidentally pay for all my food) but someone else had gotten in line behind me, so I wanted to move my groceries up against the salad so as to free up space. I picked up one of the wooden bars. While I was setting the bar down next to her salad, she saw this and reached for another divider bar. After I set mine down, she set the second one down right next to mine, between my divider bar and her salad. I wish there had been a third one handy so I could have put it down on the other side of her bar, because then I could have yelled "CHECKMATE!" or "KING ME!" or "YAHTZEE!" or "SUCK THIS, YOU MORON WHO DOESN'T CONSIDER ONE DIVIDER BAR ADEQUATE PROTECTION BETWEEN MY GROCERIES AND YOUR PRECIOUS PRE-BUILT PLASTICATED SALAD WHICH ISN'T GOING TO KEEP YOU FROM GETTING FAT TEN YEARS FROM NOW NO MATTER HOW OVERPRICED THE ORGANIC LETTUCE IS!" This isn't the first time I've encountered someone who wants to apply their own divider bar to keep my divider bar's cooties off their groceries. (Rule of thumb: The fewer items they're buying, the more insanely overprotective they get.) I suppose this is the one good thing about Trader Joe's: No Divider Bars Allowed. They make sure that each checkout lane only has room to set down half an order of groceries, thus ensuring that a lot of space will be freed up when everyone else stands in the middle of the aisle blocking it with their shopping cart. They also don't have rubber belts to advance your groceries, because I think Trader Joe's clerks get confused by moving food. They already have a hard enough job, what with having to deal with those soup cans designed to look like they're about to explode. Anyway, I think I'm going to carve my own wooden divider bar and take it to Bread & Circus just so I can annoy weirdos. Better yet, I'll steal a plastic bar from Stop & Shop and really make the organic weirdos cry. ("NO TREES WERE HARMED TO MAKE MY DIVIDER BAR!") -- K. I need to go to Save-A-Lot more often. Poverty markets tend to have fewer crazy people. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What, nobody's mocked this yet? Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2006 17:42:52 -0400 I can't believe it was announced hours ago and yet nobody on alt.religion.kibology has mocked the official name of Nintendo's new game console. It had been referred to as the "Revolution", but now... it's "Wii". IT'S WII! Because Nintendo wants everyone to play with Wii, Nintendo will soon be streaming Wii at our faces. I am now having flashbacks to WPIX-11 in 1982, when kids watching "Deputy Droopalong" cartoons could play a Mattel Intellivision over the phone by yelling "PISSPISSPISSPISS!" into the phone. I think it was supposed to be "PIX! PIX! PIX! PIX!" but everyone who likes "Deputy Droopalong" has a speech impediment. It was almost as good as having a real Intellivision except instead of the sixteen-direction thumbnail-blackening controller, it had a no-direction controller -- all the kids could do was yell "PISS!" to fire. I wonder if Wii will have a similar TV propaganda show where kids experience the greatness of Wii by yelling "WIIWIIWIIWII!!!" The other key feature of the Intellivision was that the closest it could come to making a "BOOM!" noise was "TWEE!", so WPIX's cartoon filler material had "PISSPISSPISS!" going in one direction and "TWEE! ... TWEE!" going in the other. Now, if the "WIIWIIWII!!!" show also goes "TWEE! ... TWEE!" at people, it will be the twee-est, Wii-est, most specially bad TV time-killer for toddlers ever. Well, except for "Davey & Goliath". Which channel should the "WIIWIIWII!!!" show air on? G4tv or some other channel specializing in urine-themed videogames played over a dirty phone connection? Seriously, I think Nintendo picked that name for their new game console just because they know how easy it is to get four-year-olds to shout "WEE!" To remain competitive, Sony will introduce the Sony Doody, and let's not forget the imminent launch of Microsoft Diaper Gravy. -- K. I wonder if Wii will play my DVD of the classic Shaw Brothers movie, "Golden Swallow". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What, nobody's mocked this yet? Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2006 14:55:27 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I am now having flashbacks to WPIX-11 in 1982, when kids watching > > "Deputy Droopalong" cartoons could play a Mattel Intellivision over > > the phone by yelling "PISSPISSPISSPISS!" into the phone. > > I am now having flashbacks to that one time when I watched the Spanish > channel and there was this call-in video game where people would play > by pressing touch tones while the hostess yelled "SEIS! SEIS! CUATRO! > CUATRO!" and then they'd press 6 or 4, about 6 or 4 seconds later, and > then the little cartoon car would dodge a cactus or something. That might have been the Fairchild Channel F call-in program ("TV POW" was its usual name) which pre-dated the Intellivision one. Both were famous for having nothing but games revolving entirely around the timing of pressing the fire button, being played by little kids giving orders over the telephone to some bored employee who had to push the button whenever he felt like hearing them yelling the secret word. "TV PIXX" (which for some reason had an extra "X" for extra lag) sure didn't look like it was actually responsive enough to be able to pretend you were really playing. > It sounds like something that would have been awesome in the 1960's > before TV was on a seven-second delay and before more exciting games > like Pong could be bought at stores. You just know that video-game company executives everywhere always fantasize about the days when Pong was the only video game there was, simply because it was impossible for consumers to make bootleg copies of something that didn't even have an actual CPU. Unless they went to Radio Shack and bought a lot of transistors and soldered them together, but that would be almost as crazy as the idea that "Pong" was ever exciting. Part of Nintendo's current strategy with the DS and Wii is clearly that the controller is the game -- having a different input method forces the games to actually be clever (think about "Pac-Pix", "Feel The Magic XY/XX", etc.) and, let's face it, _any_ input method other than a miniature plus-sign-shaped rocker-switch is better than the tiny "+" most things have. This emphasis on weird input methods (like "Feel The Magic"'s "touch, rub, shout, and blow" controls) also has the advantage of making these games unemulatable. Sony puts slightly bigger CPUs and slightly bigger graphics chips in their absolutely generic miniature computers, while Nintendo wants to take you to the next level of freakiness by having you lick the screen. -- K. I miss the days when game controllers were big enough that you could break them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What, nobody's mocked this yet? Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2006 20:05:30 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > > > > > I am now having flashbacks to that one time when I watched the Spanish > > > channel and there was this call-in video game where people would play > > > by pressing touch tones while the hostess yelled "SEIS! SEIS! CUATRO! > > > CUATRO!" and then they'd press 6 or 4, about 6 or 4 seconds later, and > > > then the little cartoon car would dodge a cactus or something. > > > > That might have been the Fairchild Channel F call-in program ("TV POW" > > was its usual name) which pre-dated the Intellivision one. > > No, it wasn't an 80's console. It was powerful enough to display > cartoon-quality animation. In Spanish. It aired in the 90's. If > I could remember the exact year, I'd be able to guess the hardware. Wow. Maybe it was the evil twin of the people who were doing "21st Century Vaudeville" (in the Boston area circa 1995, you could call in and make your voice come out of Amiga drawings that had lips automatically synced to your voice. I liked to be the Tiki god.) > Also, they were using the touch tones on the phone. Or at least pretending to, in the same way that TV POW and TV PIXX pretended to be voice-activated. > > I miss the days when game controllers were big enough that you > > could break them. > > You can still make them the target of all your blame. Nuh-uh. For "Pac-Pix", I assign most of the blame to the way about 5% of the time the gesture-recognition software will decide Pac-Man is facing sideways because I drew him too fast, and for "WarioWare Twisted", I assign most of the blame to the power cord whipping me in the face when I try to twirl the console around three times within half a second without first unplugging it. The only "controllers" for those games, in the conventional sense of the term, are a tiny inert plastic toothpick for "Pac-Pix" and the Universe's inertial frame of reference for "WarioWare Twisted". So you now have to assign blame to other, weirder parts of the system. DAMN UNIVERSE!!! I wish you could break the Universe as easily as you could break those Gemini brand knockoffs of Atari 2600 controllers. Highly crushable! (cue imitation Burt Bacharach music. Kibo puts on a pair of pointy foam rubber ears and begins to sing the novelty song "Highly Crushable" while dancing the Frug as the words "WRITTEN BY GENE RODDENBERRY" obscure the "Desiderata" poster on the wall behind him.) Video games achieved perfection with the invention of "Pac-Pix", except the entire system should be scaled up by 1000% so that the tiny plastic stick could be the same size as a real graffiti marker because I feel silly trying to scribble as rapidly as possible with a toothpick on a business card. The game would be better if you had a 17-inch screen and an El Marko. It already makes the proper noises for that sort of marker, but the plastic toothpick is far daintier than anything you'd use to draw a killer Pac-Man in the real world. Also you have to keep buying replacements for it because every time you switch from "Pac-Pix" to "WarioWare Twisted", the plastic toothpick goes flying across the room and disappears forever. I predict something similar will happen with Wii -- someone will develop a hit game that requires you to twirl and catch the controllers like a drum majorette and it'll sense what the layout of your home is just so it can try to make you accidentally throw them out the window. -- K. Have you seen Namco's "Taiko Drummer" for the PlayStation 2? You just know that somewhere in Japan, someone's about to repurpose that controller for an S&M game. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What, nobody's mocked this yet? Date: Mon, 01 May 2006 01:58:53 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Video games achieved perfection with the invention of "Pac-Pix", > > except the entire system should be scaled up by 1000% so that the > > tiny plastic stick could be the same size as a real graffiti marker > > because I feel silly trying to scribble as rapidly as possible > > with a toothpick on a business card. > > I've long since wished they'd build each model of the Game Boy with > a 60% bigger screen, something that might fit on a tray table of an > airplane well. With the Nintendo DS, too. But they're not gonna. Japan has an obsession with making everything progressively smaller even though smaller is not better for things that have to interface with human hands. The new version of the Nintendo DS has an even tinier Greek cross pad than the old one. I want to send Japan a telegram telling them that the original Atari joysticks weren't big enough for my hands, so why do they expect me to be able to use a "+" the size of a "+"? My hands could crush their entire country. Wico knew how to make joysticks even I couldn't snap or crush. I also liked the size of Discwasher's joysticks, but I tended to snap them in half after a few days of play. But they did have nice pistol grips. Wico and Discwasher are now forgotten, since Americans have ceded the entire videogame industry to the Japanese. I've yet to see a video game company do the logical thing and offer a system where the controllers can be purchased in your choice of "child", "grown-up", and "American" sizes. That's all it would take to accomodate all three types of humans. They could still do the microscopic controls for the teeny tiny Japanese kids, but they should also do a medium size for salarymen in capsule hotels, and an extra-large size for those of us who wish our favorite gloves came in a size larger than XL. (I would just cut the fingertips off, but then I'd have to get a motorcycle.) Hey, Japan, here's an idea for you: You're not allowed to make videogame controls any smaller unless you also scale down your sword grips to the same degree. And then once you've royally pissed off all those samurai you'll learn real fast that things that go in hands should be the size of hands, and things that are used to kill people should fit in big manly man hands. You can't manhandle a tiny plus! Also, the entire world should manufacture hats that go past American size 7 1/2 (that's 60 cm around) for those of us who have the big brains. I tried to tie a bandanna on my head today and the ends barely overlapped enough to tie, so I have to stick to do-rags that have the long strings. And what really bugs me? There is no such thing as a "Medium Tall" size for everyday clothing. The only "Tall" sizes are for people who weigh twice as much as me. This is especially annoying when you consider that catalog models are usually required to be my height and weight even though the clothes don't fit them right (you never see these guys moving because their shirts couldn't possibly stay tucked in.) Is it too much to ask for a "Medium Tall" shirt and XXL gloves and a giant freakin' bandanna with normal-size flames? Still, if I lived in Japan, things would be worse. All the clothes in stores would be Barbie-sized. I probably wouldn't be able to find a single shirt that would cover my belly-button, and even if I did, they'd replace it with one 50% smaller every few weeks. (The shirt, not the belly-button.) And any Japanese hat would be so undersized for me, it'd have to be attached to my hair with a bobby pin. Sure, my waist is the same size as an average Japanese guy's, but I bet my head couldn't even fit into a capsule hotel. ATTENTION JAPAN, I WEIGH 150 POUNDS BUT YOUR STUFF IS STILL GROSSLY UNDERSIZE FOR ME. FIX IT OR WE'LL START SENDING OVER TYPICAL 300-POUND AMERICANS UNTIL JAPAN SINKS. -- K. I'm tall and skinny because I have that "long-strand DNA" that only geniuses like Mark Borchardt have. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What, nobody's mocked this yet? Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2006 20:58:06 -0400 I just wrote: > > Have you seen Namco's "Taiko Drummer" for the PlayStation 2? > You just know that somewhere in Japan, someone's about to > repurpose that controller for an S&M game. The game's actual title is "Taiko Drum Master", which is an even better name for something thay will be used for S&M games. Behold the incredible hallucinatory quality of the illustrations and screenshots as you peek into the everyday world of Japan: http://www.namco.com/games/taiko/ No, I don't know why it includes killer macaroni and evil Milk Duds. I also don't know why it doesn't include "Wipe Out" (or even the "Hawaii 5-O" or "Batman" themes.) It does include Philip J. Fry's favorite song, "Walking On Sunshine", in case you've ever wanted to pound that one out on a Japanese drum after stripping naked except for a headband and one of those tiny loincloths that has to be twisted really tight to go right up your butt crack like the world's worst Twizzler. (You have to dress that way if you want to qualify to buy the o-daiko version. Some video games are clearly just excuses to put on fundoshi.) They also missed a golden opportunity for a movie tie-in with Takeshi Kitano's version of "Zatoichi", the one which ends with the mass tap dance number as if Michael Flatley were cool enough to be a Samurai instead of just a weenie. American stores are currently trying desperately to get rid of copies of "Taiko Drum Master" just because it takes up more space than the system console itself (the box is big 'cause of the bongo-size drums -- just think if there really were an o-daiko available.) In Japan, it's a big enough hit that they've released five sequels (basically, more song collections) as well as a PSP version for those who think that drumming is best done by pressing tiny little buttons on a pocket gadget. That's as lame as trying to play "Dance Dance Revolution" on your cell phone keypad. With your fingers, I mean. Stomping on your cell phone might be kind of fun, especially if it's the sort where the batteries explode randomly. -- K. I'm still waiting for Nintendo to release Electrobagpipe, 'cause that would be a great cartridge to take on the subway. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: You guys and your damn hivemind! (Was: taiko drumming) Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 12:50:11 -0400 Last night, Kenton and I were discussing the potential joy to be had figuring out how to play an o-daiko at home (that's the huge Japanese drum that's everyone's favorite part of a taiko ensemble.) After posting about it (just after midnight) I wrote this: Behold! The power of the hivemind! After posting my followup, I Googled up pictures of o-daiko to save with the archived version of my article (for use in the "Best Of 2006" PDF to be published in 2059, in Esperanto) and stumbled across this: There is a major taiko concert down the street from me... tonight! And the local taiko group has a workshop in about a week... so, since my life consists of a constant stream of impulse purchases, I wrote a check, and if there are still any spaces available, next week I'm gonna get to whomp on some real taiko. I probably found out about it too late, but I'm going to try to get in. (I don't think I'll be going to the concert tonight, but I haven't decided.) Who knew I lived in such a taiko-rich community? I'm always complaining about the dearth of Japanese culture in Boston, but for once the hivemind came through and put taiko right here right when I had a passing interest in it. Good job, hivemind. But next time, tell me about the workshop a week sooner! I didn't post that last night, because I decided to wait and see whether I got into the touch-the-taiko workshop. I went to bed. This morning (well, at noon precisely) I was woken up by a pickup truck with a loudspeaker driving through my neighborhood at half a mile an hour. It was playing a very loud recording of taiko. Kids from the local high school were marching behind it (the school's where the concert is tonight.) It looks like it was just an around-the-block parade, but since I live at the opposite end of the block from that school, I'm in the taiko loop. Roving taiko recordings have hunted me down to bring the loudness to me. Well, it was better than that obnoxious ice cream truck. But still, being awoken by roving taiko trucks is a new level of abruptness. Curse the damn hivemind, always finding new ways to annoy me that are relevant to the newsgroup. What ever happened to the days when parades were help in the evening so that they wouldn't wake up those of us who stayed up late writing letters of application? You damn kids and your freaky hivemind! -- K. When the drum recording woke me up, I was in the middle of a wonderful dream where I was the star of a live-action "Mr. Magoo" movie, and since it was slowly turning into a lucid dream, I was consciously trying to find ways to be even less funny than Leslie Nielsen. But because the taiko truck interrupted it, I didn't get to find out whether my sequel ended with the same hilarious disclaimer as the pathetic Leslie Nielsen movie. AW FUCK THE ICE CREAM TRUCK JUST SHOWED UP!!! HOW DID IT KNOW I WAS TALKING ABOUT IT? I HAVEN'T EVEN POSTED THIS YET! DAMN YOU ALL!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You guys and your damn hivemind! (Was: taiko drumming) Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 13:11:05 -0400 Correction to what I just posted: > > Kids from the local high school were marching behind it (the school's > where the concert is tonight.) It's not a high school, it's a community college. (AS IF THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.) But I stand by my assertion that the entire neighborhood was designed specifically to route trucks with recordings of drumbeatings directly to my bedroom. If I lived on the other side of the building, I could get satellite TV. On this side, I get the taiko truck. -- K. All the problems with my apartment building could be solved with one quick call to Nihon Break Kogyu. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What, nobody's mocked this yet? Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 00:14:31 -0400 Kenton Cernea (ordinaryk@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > American stores are currently trying desperately to get rid of copies > > of "Taiko Drum Master" just because it takes up more space than the > > system console itself (the box is big 'cause of the bongo-size > > drums -- just think if there really were an o-daiko available.) > > You'd be amazed what hardware hackers can do. Hell, I've completely > rebuilt $10 DDR soft pads to near-arcade sensitivity, so I'm sure an > o-daiko controller mod could be done. And I'm willing to bet somebody in > Japan probably has already. Nuh-uh. Nobody in Japan has a large enough apartment for that. The typical Japanese apartment is one foot by two feet, and only rich people can afford those (remember, a strawberry costs over a billion dollars in Japan, double that for the square ones), your average Joe Salaryman has to sleep in a Tylenol capsule. If Joe Salaryman owned an o-daiko, he'd probably have to live inside it, and wouldn't be happy if you tried to play it. > > In Japan, it's a big enough hit that they've released five sequels > > (basically, more song collections) as well as a PSP version for > > those who think that drumming is best done by pressing tiny little > > buttons on a pocket gadget. That's as lame as trying to play > > "Dance Dance Revolution" on your cell phone keypad. > > The sixth release has the Nihon Break Kogyo (Japan Break Industries, a > demolition company) company song; this fact alone makes me want to buy a > Japanese PS2. Big deal. That fact makes me want to start a demolition company. I mean a _legal_ demolition company. One which actually gets paid when I take apart someone else's home. Dismantling the tallest skyscrapers with a mix of karate, aikido, ninjitsu, and Zen meditation. I have the song playing now and it is SUPA AHSUM NUMBA WAN. It's the sort of theme song Ultraman would have if he was a secret agent and had anger management issues. Plus I think it may have been recorded in the Tardis. It's certainly the perkiest song I ever heard about the joys of smashing things. BUH-REAKU!!! The demolitionest song you'll hear this year: http://akuaku.org/misc/Nihon_Break_Kogyo.mp3 Now sing along with the karaoke version: http://www.nbk.gr.jp/melody/nbk.mid > And believe it or not, DDR is available for the Game Boy Color (Japan > only), complete with a mini-pad overlay that fits over the controller for > 0.1% more authenticity! Also, a lot of Japanese men have bought a new game that keeps the interior of their cars quiet! It has an overlay that fits over her mouth! Okay, that's a really old joke. I got noth-- BUH-REAKU! whoooooOOOOOOoooosh! -- K. So how much do we have to pay Tadanobu Asano to get him to play the song on his 80,000-volt electric guitar? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What, nobody's mocked this yet? Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2006 19:27:32 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [on Nintendo's philosophy of encouraging weird, easy, non-violent games] > > > > that the controller is the game -- having a different input method > > forces the games to actually be clever (think about "Pac-Pix", > > "Feel The Magic XY/XX", etc.) > > > > [...] This emphasis on weird input methods > > (like "Feel The Magic"'s "touch, rub, shout, and blow" controls) > > Oh dear. Moving out of the way of Kontext-Away RIGHT NOW. Okay, you ready for this? "Feel The Magic XY/XX" is the world's first completely non-sexual hentai dating simulator. You're this guy (with a blue beard) who has to make this girl like you by joining a performance art group (The Rub Rabbits) and vomiting live goldfish at her. That's just the first level. It goes on from there. You do a series of Tokyo Shock Boys-style stunts to impress this solid black Japanese chick so she'll go with you, because otherwise the guys with rabbit ears cry. And then every once in a while this Road Warrior guy with spiked hair tries to carry her off in his armored claw truck or she gets abducted by a killer plant and if you save her you're rewarded with a level where you have to rub her all over because she's dirty now. I am not making any of this up. It's Sega's flagship software product for the Nintendo DS. And if you play it a million times, you get bonus points which you can redeem for additional tennis dresses and high heels you can put on the solid black Goth Lolita chick, and then you can poke her with the little stylus. If you poke her in the head, she squeals "NE!!!" and grabs her head, and if you poke her in the left foot, she squeals "NE!!!" and grabs her left foot, and if you poke her in the cha-cha, she squeals "NE!!!" and grabs her cha-cha. It's hours of full-dressed perverted fun for heterosexual Japanese toddlers of all ages and nationalities and sexual orientation. It's not a very interesting game except that it's so _wrong_ in all ways that it's fascinating. I bet every game for Wii will be just like that -- the games will have an unidentifiable quality that makes you think you have brain damage when you realize you've been playing a tedious game with a repellent concept. All the titles will be things like "Sniff The Galoshes In Outer Space", "Spaghetti In Nose Theatre Time", "Vomit Warz Blog", "Super Nothing", and "Crotch Tetris". Plus I predict "Panty Cat" will probably make a comeback. This time it'll use force feedback so you'll really be able to feel the panties going onto the cat's head. Welcome to Japan, Earth. -- K. I heard they rigged the American version of "Brain Training" to call all Americans stupid. "If you were Japanese, your Brain Age would be better! Also your head would be polyhedral and you would vomit goldfish to impress women!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Oh, the easily-manufactured irony! Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2006 14:44:50 -0400 Since everybody on the Internet needs to know how everybody else on the Internet feels about everything on the Internet, here's my official position on Nintendo's decision to call their flagship product "Wii": "Wii"? | | | | | | +----------------------------------+ | | | | +-----------> It's a great name BECAUSE it's a terrible name. Those magnificent bastards undoubtedly chose it because it sucks, to show us that they're three steps ahead of people who reason by ordinary Earth logic. Either it will be the biggest flop in history or it will join the ranks of trademarks which succeed because they're bizarre (the Bovis hummingbird's my favorite example.) But either way, Nintendo has earned our respect for having the guts to make a bad decision on purpose, just to prove they can do whatever the hell they want with their product names. "Wii" is Japanese for saying "fuck you" in a happy, pleasant, de-masculinized way that everyone will love to hate. Wii is togetherness, Wii is love, Wii is the chip they implanted in my head to make me say this sentence. Wii will eat you. Nobody every suspects Wii of being a serial killer. Wii kicked my ass with its awesome patheticness. Wii dares you to punch it so it can prove it'll punch back. It's the greatest product name in history BECAUSE it's the worst POSSIBLE product name. Nintendo now officially owns the most ironic corner of memespace and is laughing at how we hate Wii. Wii owns us. -- K. My other theory is that it's a typo and they meant to call it the "Wil" after the world's coolest nerd. My other other theory is that Nintendo meant to say "WWII", because anyone who's played a lot of top-scrollers knows that Japan never wants WWII to end. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Oh, the easily-manufactured irony! Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2006 19:09:30 -0400 Otto Bahn (http://www.brown-recluse.com/bitephotos.html) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Wii"? [...] It's a great name BECAUSE it's a terrible name. > > Is it too late to deport Yoko Ono? You think this is a conspiracy between famous Japanese crazy people Yoko Ono and Takeshi Kitano to make a video game console of their own to compete with that one Penn Jillette and Andy Kaufman designed? And if so, will Harlan Ellison or Roger Ebert be the one who's forced to play both of them for our amusement? I was thinking about other possible one-syl names for Wii, and broke all the syls in the world down into three classes: * Ones that would be good names for a game console in the perfectly predictable butch or hyperactive way. "Ax", "Wow", "Blam", "Ayyy". * Ones that would be bad because they are bad. "Ick", "Eh", "Urp", "Flop", "Blap", "Wiss". * Ones that are great because they are bad. "Wii". And only "Wii". Just as Andy Kaufman was brilliant because he tried to make his comedy as perfectly unfunny as possible, and just as Quentin Tarantino is a genius because he goes out of his way to pack as many corny B-movie cliches together in every movie ("Wow, I'm liking this, even though the premise is so lame! That proves Tarantino's great!"), "Wii" is the name that was engineered precisely to make you think it couldn't have been engineered, because it's as insane as possible. Somewhere on the top of Mt. Fuji, Nintendo executives and their pet ninjas are sitting around drinking themselves silly over the greatest triumph ever accomplished by humans: Thinking up a name no Earth person could have thought up. It's even greater a stroke of genius than "FCUK", which now seems too obvious compared to "Wii", which is so far outside our realm of human experience that hearing the name "Wii" is like being hit in the face with a pie made out of God after Anthony Hopkins pushed him into a God-grinder. My prediction is that if Wii doesn't flop, it'll start a trend and you'll see things with names like "Poo‘", "Peedle", "Trud", and "†ŸŸŸŸŸ". (Those garbled characters you may be seeing were originally vowels with umlauts, plus one little picture of a smiley with L. Ron Hubbard's secret forehead lump and Kim Il-Sung's secret neck lump.) -- K. That reminds me, I need to pick up some ZikZak before my next broadcast of BIG TIME TV! OY!!!! Damn, I wish I could satellite global. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: From the makers of "Baby Geniuses": "Elderly Ninja"! Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 04:18:59 -0400 [www.mercurynews.com] -> -> Last ninja: 'Be able to kill your students' -> -> HANS GREIMEL -> Associated Press -> -> NODA, Japan -- The teachings of Grand Master Masaaki Hatsumi -> echo through my head as he entreats me to attack a blackbelted -> disciple with a practice sword. "Always be able to kill your -> students," he says. -> -> Chilling words from a shockingly fit 76-year-old man who bills -> himself as the world's last ninja [...] -> -> Hatsumi is the only living student of the last "fighting ninja," -> Toshitsugu Takamatsu, the so-called 33rd Grand Master who was a -> bodyguard to officials in Japanese-occupied Manchuria before -> World War II and fought -- and won -- 12 fights to the death. -> Legend says that during one battle, Takamatsu snatched an eyeball -> from a would-be Chinese bandit. Yeah? Well, I'm _also_ the last surviving ninja. Legend says that I ate the Moon -- twice -- and am made of solid zinc, the hardest metal. Legend says that I won over 300,000,000,000,000,000,000 fights to the death, plus two games of live-action Tetris. Legend says if you don't believe me, I can reach into your ear and untie your bellybutton from the inside, then pull your heart out, show it to you, put it back, pull it out again, show it to you again but this time pretending it's your emergency backup heard, and then put it back again before you even know you died several weeks before I did this because of my Hawaiian Punch Of Retroactivity. Legend says I get hitsies. -> Today, Hatsumi's enemies are stereotypes Well, he should have an easy job beating them, since they're all really short and have thick glasses they can hardly see through. You can spot them by their yellow skin and buck teeth and the way they begin every sentence with "Prease, honolable sil," oh and also they make cheap knockoffs of American products which is why Nikons and Sonys are so inexpensive and American- made electronics still exist. Anyway, he should beat up all those hateful stereotypes, except that would make him prejudiced against stereotypes, which is even more racist than just believing in stereotypes, so he should apologize. Shame on him. -> and flagging interest in the ancient art. Ninjas are very interested in the ancient art of flagging! If you don't believe me, watch "Gymkata"! There's not one ninja in the whole movie who does anything other than pretend to be a flagpole! -> [...] -> -> In many ways, the curly-haired, wide-eyed Hatsumi has been a -> victim of success: He has helped make ninja an international -> household name by training followers from Chile to South Africa. -> But he also has watched his legacy co-opted by goofy caricatures -> such as "Mutant Ninja Turtles" and schlocky Hollywood send-ups -> like "Beverly Hills Ninja." Yeah, real ninjas are nothing like those. Real ninjas go around whining, "I WILL NOT BE MOCKED! STOP MAKING CARTOONS ABOUT ME! YOU CANNOT DRAW ME BECAUSE I AM INVISIBLE BECAUSE OF MY SOLID BLACK PAJAMAS AND BALACLAVA!" -> "I think it's pathetic," Hatsumi says of the ninja's modern -> image. -> -> A glance around the dojo suggests the average Japanese might -> agree. The vast majority of students are foreigners, often with a -> military background, who learned of Hatsumi overseas. That's -> because in Japan, ninjutsu is swept up in the wave of apathy that -> has sapped the ranks of traditional martial arts like sumo and -> judo. -> -> [...] -> -> "Young kids might be more interested in other sports that are -> flashy or fashionable," concedes Makinori Matsuo, an associate -> professor of martial arts at Tokyo's International Budo -> University. Hey, nothing is more fashionable than basic black, especially with a ski mask! -> "They tend to be turned off by the image of martial arts as -> sweaty and smelly," he said. Yeah, nobody wants their murder victim's dying words to be, "Argh, I see you ripped my heart out and showed it to me and you smell." Everybody likes to hear, "Argh, you just killed me, but gee, your hair smells terrific!" -> [...] -> -> But true ninjutsu, Hatsumi says, is self-discipline and balance -> in the boardroom and the battlefield. It's about mastering one's -> weaknesses, including laziness and fear, and exploiting a rival's -> needs, such as sex and pride. "Haha, I will now sex you to death!" bellowed the ninja as he untied the drawstring of his black silk pajamas. -> As he nimbly glides across the padded floor, Hatsumi showers -> students with cryptic proverbs straight out of Confucian scrolls, -> such as "anything can be used as a weapon" Oh, yeah, that Confucius guy went around beating people up with common household objects. He was such a violent bastard, especially when he had his hands on something like a shoelace or a stapler or a wet paper towel. -> or "ninjutsu is the sum of things in the universe." AND HOW THE UNIVERSE GOT INTO MY BLACK PAJAMAS, I'LL NEVER KNOW! I think Mr. Data said "Ninjitsu is the sum of things in the Universe" in that "Star Trek" episode where they went to the planet where everyone was a real ninja and they had to use a big computer to determine which of them was the last surviving ninja and Captain Picard made them agree to take turns being the last ninja and then they all hugged. Then Worf complained that they smelled bad. -> "Timing is the Hey, what's the most difficult part? -> most difficult," he adds, [...] Naah, you didn't tell it right. Better start over from the part about why the ninja fireman wore a red obi. -> Today, hundreds of ninja schools across Europe, North America and -> beyond trace their roots to Hatsumi. -> -> He has held training seminars for the FBI, CIA, the Mossad and -> for police in Britain, France and Germany. He has served as a -> martial arts adviser to films such as the James Bond thriller -> "You Only Live Twice" and the television miniseries "Shogun." Oh, so that's why the part where the army of ninjas infiltrated the mechanical volcano where the robotic spaceship that could eat other spaceships was being slowly lowered into it by a string was so realistic. From the moment Sean Connery shaved his chest to look exactly like all the other ninjas, I was awash in a sea of the all-too-plausible world of movie ninjas. You know, he's right. Movies like that ruined the image of serious ninjas. Whoever was martial arts advisor to that movie should be shot! -> Hatsumi has left his mark in other ways, authoring a dozen books -> in English and Japanese. -> -> He says he is not ready to sheath his sword anytime soon, but -> admits the question of who will succeed him as ninjutsu's world -> leader is a constant topic of gossip at the dojo. REAL NINJAS DO NOT GOSSIP! Maybe instead of pretending they're ninjas, his students should just claim to be Navy SEALs. That way maybe they'd get a little respect, at least until the real ones showed up and made them pee their pants. -> Only Hatsumi gets to choose the next grand master, and he's -> not giving any hints. It better not be van Damme. I would vote for Jackie Chan, except he disqualified himself by having that plastic surgery to have Anglo-style eyelids. A true ninja would just cut his eyelids off because he would never want some loser like van Damme to sneak up on him while he was sleeping. Ninja never sleep. They do eat, but only once every ten years, and then only cotton candy. Solid black cotton candy. -> It's even possible it will be a non-Japanese for the first time, -> he says. I'd like to remind him that I don't mind it if people pronounce "Kibo" the Japanese way or the American way, so I've got both bases covered, so he has no excuse for not picking me, especially as I've been the world's only ninja for longer than he has. -> "Human beings always want to know what they cannot know," he -> says. "But you can never tell the future." Now he's slamming Willard Scott! Uh oh, this means Willard Scott's going to beat him up. -- K. I apologize for dragging "Star Trek" into this serious discussion of who is allowed to claim they're the last ninja. Up next: I work "Leave It To Beaver" into a discussion of who is allowed to claim they're the world's most powerful wizard. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Cat Hacked My Computer Angst Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 13:05:32 -0400 "BecauseImJustThatOriginal@gmail.com" (BecauseImJustThatOriginal@gmail.com) wrote: > > Catsxtechnology is always amusing. CAT SEX TECHNOLOGY IS NEVER AMUSING! If it were, then it could be used to make "Garfield" strips funny, and _nothing_ can make "Garfield" funny, therefore NO CAT SEX FOR YOU! > My cat likes to use the cd remote to change cd's and turn the volume > way up in the early hours. I see a great need: "PawSense For CD Remotes". I miss the days when video games were designed to mesmerize cats. "Pong" was the greatest cat toy ever. "PawSense" must have been engineered to be as unlike "Pong" as possible. The question is, how can we design a similar screensaver that keeps children from touching the computer? I'm thinking something with pictures of Carol Channing singing the entire text of a Thomas Hardy novel atop a big pile of Brussels sprouts. -- K. I always liked Brussels sprouts. But then again, I also liked "Pong".