From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dumb dream number whatever. Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 01:20:48 -0400 I still don't get why sometimes while I'm asleep, the KGB beams lame "Laugh-In"-style comedy sketches into my brain. So, in this universe, I was in college (again). I just found out I was assigned to share a dorm room with a cop, and I was looking forward to meeting him so I could ask him to teach me how to use a side-handle baton. But first, to get to the dorm, for some reason I had to go through a shopping mall. Sitting on a bench in the middle of the shopping mall was TV's Andy Dick. He was, for some reason, wearing a long lime green coat. You know, like Dr. Clayton Forrester or Beakman or Mike Jittlov. I think it was a little more of a trenchcoat than a lab coat, though. Definitely wasn't the question-mark blazer he wore when mocking that overacting infomercial guy. And he was wearing really dopey-looking Elton John sunglasses -- they had thick circular rims mottled in a green-and-brighter-green tortoiseshell pattern, and curiously, one of the lenses was about 50% larger than the other. Andy Dick looked CRAZY! And he was holding a large plastic Jell-O mold in his lap (i.e. the Jell-O was still in the bumpy plastic bowl.) The Jell-O was clear, but with lime slices in it. Always wanting to help the obviously insane, I said gently to Andy Dick (who must always be addressed by his full name, because he's one of those people with two first names,) "Hey, it's Andy Dick! Hi, Andy Dick! Be careful with that, it looks like it could make quite a mess!" Impishly, he jerked the Jell-O mold towards me, intending the gelatin to jump out of the mold and onto whatever I was wearing (no, I don't know.) But the Jell-O was stuck in the mold and just wiggled a little. Andy Dick looked crestfallen at his failure to gunge me. Dejectedly, he dropped the Jell-O mold on the floor -- -- and upon impact, the Jell-O bounced up out of the mold, splashing itself across Andy Dick's face. "That's the funniest thing I've ever seen," I said, without any trace of emotion (I was laughing on the inside, particularly because I was amused by the concept that such predictable slapstick could be thought to be the funniest thing ever in this illogical dream world.) But of course I woke up at that point just when the dream was becoming lucid (because I realized it was a dream world when I became aware of the poor script the comedy was following.) I was careful not to move because I wanted to memorize everything before it evaporated, and then re-enter the lucid dream state (I can do that, but only if I'm careful.) When I fell asleep, I resumed the dream, except modified to include 100% less Andy Dick, and certain additions I won't mention here. It was a vast improvement. So, anyway, what does it mean that while I was sleeping, Andy Dick broke into my brain while wearing clown glasses? And why all the lime green imagery? And if the dream hadn't mutated into a lucid dream to enable me to make Andy Dick leave my brain, would he still be in there right now? -- K. If "Mr. Show" was like having a clown in your head, why wasn't "The Andy Dick Show" exactly the same as having Andy Dick in your head with Jell-O? I say Andy Dick needs to put his show back on the air just so he can throw Jell-O at himself. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dumb dream number whatever. Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 22:44:41 -0400 Hyper Bell (sib_88@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I was careful not to move because I wanted to memorize everything > > before it evaporated, and then re-enter the lucid dream state > > (I can do that, but only if I'm careful.) When I fell asleep, > > I resumed the dream, except modified to include 100% less Andy Dick, > > and certain additions I won't mention here. It was a vast improvement. > > Whenever I surprisingly manage to resume a dream, it always gets worse. > I often end up having a nightmare after resuming what was supposedly a > nice dream to begin with. If I for example dream about being a hero, I > end up getting shot (or at least hurt). How do you actually -improve- > your dreams? Through power of geniusness. > And do you control your dreams? Sometimes I realize early that I'm in a > dream world, and I get to do anything I want, 'cause, HEY, it's a > dream! The sad part is that I can't control the people in my dreams. > (Dammit, he didn't kiss me back!) Yeah, my more-lucid dreams tend to be in that category where I have free will and can make reasonably rational choices, but the initial casting and premise of the dream are still random. Oddly, there are different rules of physics in different semi-lucid dreams. In many, I can fly (subject to a specific set of physics), in a few, I only have normal powers of locomotion, and this was one of the rare ones from the third category where I can't fly but I can run really fast, plus occasionally vaulting over an obstacle like elderly Jackie Chan still can. > [...] > > Heheh, and I though I was the only one here asking about my freaky > dreams... WELCOME TO THE INTERNET > It turns out Kibo asks too... Hmmm... A coincidence? I doubt it. No, this isn't a coincidence, it's just part of your dream. Now that you've found that out, isn't it time for the part where you get shot (or at least hurt)? Sorry, I didn't want you to get shot, but those are the immutable laws of dream logic. I don't think I've ever had gunplay in my dreams. > > And if the dream hadn't mutated into a lucid dream to enable > > me to make Andy Dick leave my brain, would he still be in there > > right now? > > He would be lurking behind every corner of every house in every dream > world you have been placed in during the last decade, waiting for a > chance to resurface as a clown of some sort just to scare the hell out > of you when you finally catch a glimpse of him. > Wait, clowns were one of *my* biggest fears, weren't they? ... Clowns just bore me. I like mimes. Scary mimes. I really enjoy watching people being chased down the street by evil mimes. Seriously, if anyone in my area wants to join a new performance-art troupe, let me know. I have lots of ideas. -- K. Not all ideas are inherently evil -- just mine. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dumb dream number whatever. Date: Fri, 26 May 2006 15:28:00 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I don't think I've ever had gunplay in my dreams. > > I actually had one where my Russian teacher shot me in my own garage. > I think that was even before she gave me a zero on the colored pencil > assignment. What color zero? You're lucky. You got to use pencils, so you could erase if you used the wrong color. Mr. Acosta made his Spanish class take notes in four different colors of pens. (Most of the students had those annoying four-in-one pens that were popular back then.) Has anyone ever had a foreign-language teacher who wasn't an insane dictator? Language teachers are like gym teachers with extra gym teacherness and none of the pedophilia. But I must admit I never had any dreams about killing or being killed by a teacher. I did once have a dream where I was terrified to discover I got stuck speaking only Spanish. I think that was during the brief period where I might have been considered fluent. Now, I'm not fluent in anything. -- K. My most vivid colored-drawing-instrument memory from school is the disappointment at discovering (in kindergarten) that the school's off-brand crayons had a much nicer blue than my genuine Crayolas. Those Prangs had a great ultramarine, and Crayolas never did. Damn non-toxic Crayolas. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dumb dream number whatever. Date: Fri, 26 May 2006 19:18:21 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > My most vivid > > colored-drawing-instrument > > memory from school is the > > disappointment > > at discovering (in > > kindergarten) that > > the school's off-brand > > crayons had a > > much nicer blue than my > > genuine Crayolas. > > Those Prangs had a great > > ultramarine, > > and Crayolas never did. > > Damn non-toxic > > Crayolas. Argh! Stop crumpling my text, you indento-oscillator! > I wasn't allowed to have crayons at home. Waste of money, me > mum said. Grandma bought 'em for us, but we'd eave them at > her house in case mum got a bug in her butt about our "mess" > and tossed them all out (which she did several times with > other things). I bought a nice set of oil crayons when I was > 12 or so, did some great pics with them, and left them on a > windowsill one day, where they all melted together in a big > glop. It looked really cool, but ruined the crayons and made > my mum lose her marbles for a year or two. At about 14 I > started a soda-pop fungus/mold experiment that, after she > discovered it, caused her to retch for several months just > thinking about it. > > My mum was and is nuts, and mean, but I guess I did get her > back a few times. With that new Super Soaker that shoots the white spooge? Seriously, I don't see how that toy will lead to anything other than lawsuits from people whose weddings were ruined, and from parents whose kids got knifed. It ranks a close second behind that squirt gun I saw about a decade ago that squirted artificial- butter-scented stink juice in terms of squirt guns that are likely to be fatal to their owners. I guess third would be that 1960's Batman gun where you put the water up his butt and then you put the butt plug in and then he squirts out his mouth whenever you squeeze his penis. Anyone who owns one of those is gonna get beaten up, probably even by kids dressed as Robin. I say that next time you visit your mom, you bring along a Super Soaker Oozinator and explain to her that she could have prevented this if she'd just let you have crayons instead of having to do like Abraham Lincoln and color in your coloring books by rubbing a chunk of coal on them. Amazon has the refills of "bio-ooze" marked as "currently unavailable", so once you go dry you'd have to fill it up with ketchup or something. Ketchup is probably cheaper anyway, as the refill packs are only good for 20 shots each! http://www.hasbro.com/default.cfm?page=browse&product_id=17359 Used crankcase oil would probably work well, too. Hey, it wouldn't violate the safety warnings any worse than using the official Hasbro "bio-ooze" would: [amazon.com] -> -> Safety Information -> CAUTION: Do not aim at eyes or face. -> TO AVOID INJURY: Use only clean tap water. According to Amazon, people who bought the Oozinator (for which the official refills are unavailable) also bought: -> -> Easy Bake Real Meal Oven Refill Pack - Mac & Cheese by Hasbro Okay, now that's just gross. Squirting fake cheese at people is the sort of thing any kid should get the chair for. It's good that kids are too stupid to realize that the overpriced squeeze bottles they put grape jelly in ('cause otherwise it's hard to get kids to cover their food with liquid candy) are the most perfect evil squirt guns ever invented. Kids are so dumb that they think that stuff's for eatin'. I suggest you introduce your mom to all these concepts. Also, fingerpaints. -- K. They should make a paintgun that shoots fingerpaint. It would squirt it through a little stencil so you could make handprints on things from a distance. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dumb dream number whatever. Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 15:15:00 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I still don't get why sometimes while I'm asleep, the KGB beams lame > > "Laugh-In"-style comedy sketches into my brain. > > Because where else, post-glasnost, do they have left to beam them? The ocean floor is still mostly unexplored. So shouldn't they be pre-emptively beaming propaganda there just in case the Man From Atlantis is a capitalist dogfish? Uh oh. That sounds like something Fred Flintstone would say if he were trying to write political satire. Does this mean I'm going to have to dress up in a red, white, and blue fur toga and start playing ragtime music on a grand piano with lyrics about Enron? > > [...] upon impact, the Jell-O bounced up out of the mold, > > splashing itself across Andy Dick's face. > > YESS! Old One Jell-O Molds! The power of Cthulhu, now with PINEAPPLE CHUNKS, > I mean LIME SLICES! It wasn't an H. R. Giger face-hugger so much as an Inverse Nickelodeon. Come to think of it, it was reminiscent of that one "NewsRadio" episode where Joe Rogan rigs the cup of gelato to explode in Andy Dick's face. Man, I miss "NewsRadio". That was such a great show, at least up until one of the stars got their head exploded and another one got shot in the brain. But at least the rehab clinic put Andy Dick's head back together. "The Andy Dick" show was great too. I always liked the ones where he dared to mock the brilliance of Tom Green. Nobody else even considered Tom Green worthy of mockery. And Andy Dick demonstrated how easy it was to be Tom Green. -- K. "CANADIAN OMELET!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dumb dream number whatever. Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 15:07:31 -0400 Sean Case (seancase@tpg.com.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I still don't get why sometimes while I'm asleep, the KGB beams lame > > "Laugh-In"-style comedy sketches into my brain. > > Because they don't work so well when you're awake. So you're saying it's like TiVo, except slightly more evil because it never works when I point at a boring person and yell "baBoop baBoop" or the dreaded "dung!dung!dung!"? Hmm. This means that somewhere in my brain is a little Bayesian filter that says "He saw 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' back in the '70s! That means he must also like 'Bewitched'! Also, he failed to CLICK HERE to learn about the exciting new BMW, and other people who failed to CLICK HERE to learn about the exciting new BMW were also punished by being forced to watch 'American Chopper', so we're going to chuck that at him too!" Next time I'm asleep I'll see if I can find the remote control for my brain. -- K. It probably just got wedged between the hemispheres. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: news update: teenager repellent supposedly backfires Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 05:31:38 -0400 A followup to a story that we were discussing a few months back... [www.metro.co.uk] -> -> Pupils perform 'alarming' feat -> -> Wednesday, May 24, 2006 -> -> A high-pitched alarm which cannot be heard by adults has been -> hijacked by schoolchildren to create ringtones so they can get -> away with using phones in class. But what good does that do? I'd still think the teachers would be able to see and hear you answering the phone. Unless you also layer in another special sound which cannot be heard by teenagers but makes adults go deaf and blind. -> Techno-savvy pupils have adapted the Mosquito alarm, used to -> drive teenage gangs away from shopping centres. This is why they built the world's largest shopping mall in Edmonton, Alberta -- because teenagers are kept away from Edmonton by the world's largest mosquitoes. Seriously, the little fuckers kept biting me through my jacket. And so did the mosquitoes. -> The alarm, which has been praised by police, is highly effective -> because its ultra-high sound can be heard only by youths but not -> by most people over 20. Biiiiiiiiig deal. I've invented something which can only be watched by people with IQs under 20. It's called... BLANK. ("Match Game" music plays while a bunch of celebrities with IQs under 20 try to think of the punchline) -> Schoolchildren have recorded the sound, which they named -> Teen Buzz, and spread it from phone to phone via text messages -> and Bluetooth technology. Someday, you'll also be able to send pictures via text messages! And you'll be able to send your voice via text messages! -> Now they can receive calls and texts during lessons without -> teachers having the faintest idea what is going on. -> -> A secondary school teacher in Cardiff said: 'All the kids were -> laughing about something, but I didn't know what. They know -> phones must be turned off during school. They could all hear -> somebody's phone ringing but I couldn't hear a thing. -> -> 'One of the other children told me all about it later. I couldn't -> be too cross, because it shows resourcefulness.' If the teacher wants to put those kids in their place, he or she should install a Mosquito under every student's desk. Then they'd never be able to hear the phones ringing. -> The Mosquito technology is said to play on a medical phenomenon -> called presbycusis, or age-related hearing loss. -> -> It is thought to begin at 20 and first affect the highest -> frequencies Ð 18 to 20kHz. -> -> The device was developed by Merthyr Tydfil-based Compound -> Security. So in addition to the magical teenager repellent, did they also develop magical cell phones that can faithfully reproduce 18-20kHz notes? I mean, that's even at the extreme upper end of what a CD can do in any way (they use 44,000 samples per second, meaning that 22kHz is the absolute upper limit) and I would be surprised if any tiny flat buzzer could reproduce that cleanly, let alone whether cell phones record enough thousands of samples per second. Also they can fit all those tens of thousands of samples into a single text message. -> Boss Howard Stapleton said: 'I think it is a giggle. A teacher -> would be able to hear the sound only from 1m away. Teenagers -> could hear it from much further away.' And babies could hear it from the Moon! -- K. I M TXTING U A BROWN NOTE LOL ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Taking the last remaining traces of "fun" out of school Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 14:59:06 -0400 [on me accusing Jamie Oliver of being Gordon Ramsay] Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Jamie Oliver is a well-known British restaurant chef. He's best-known > > for being the incredibly obnoxious a-hole on the reality show "Hell's > > Kitchen" a couple of years ago -- > > There are actually two British chefs that had shows named "___'s > Kitchen". Aha! So I was right to confuse them, because they tried to trick me with their uninspiredly descriptive titles! > Jamie Oliver's show was called "Jamie's Kitchen" and it > involves his quest to pick fifteen lower-class losers off the streets > of England and make chefs out of them. For a moment, I didn't think > you were talking about the same show, because many of the losers > he was training, well, were bigger assholes than Jamie. Jamie seems to be a nice guy at heart -- obviously he cares about children's nutrition, and the scenes in "Jamie's School Lunch Project" where he's at home make it clear that he adores his wife and kids -- but I wouldn't want to spend any time in the same room with him, particularly because I like both junk food and real food. 'Cause I know how to enjoy the occasional chicken nugget without poisoning myself on them. > There was the guy who hit his teacher, and like three people who > quit, and the one woman who couldn't find a ride to work even after > Jamie offered to pay for a cab every day, and so forth. These were > the fifteen people who made it through all the auditions, and > half of them were the kind of people who are always telling > their friends "I got fired for no reason! And I did the work > of five guys!" Let me guess. "No reason" implies "spitting in the customers' food"? > The other British guy, Gordon Ramsey, is certainly a bigger jerk. > He had a couple of shows that aired on BBC America, which revolved > around his trips to crappy restaurants in the UK that were on the > brink of collapse. He'd isolate the most clueless of their practices, > and offer lots of heavy-handed advice, and usually the owners didn't > listen and the restaurant folds six months later. Of course, most restaurants do. They're like dot-coms, most die within the first year. One of the neat things about living in a big city is that the turnover is insanely fast -- every city has a few corners where there's a different failed restaurant on the same spot every six months (sometimes it's a whole string of failures of the same ethnicity, like that one perpetually-mutating Vietnamese location I know. The food's never been bad there, but they can't seem to survive, and yet other people keep trying exactly the same thing in the same place.) I think what would be interesting would be a show where two people were given the money to open competing identical ethnic restaurants -- adjacent to each other -- and I would play the evil guy who goes to both of them and tries to make each one fold. Who will survive longest under the onslaught of such a destructive force? The show could be called something like "Kibo Destroys Lives Because It's Okay Because Restaurants Die All The Time Anyway", or maybe it should have a shorter title. How about "Kibo Kills Kitchens"? > But his show on FOX, called "Hell's Kitchen", What does the "X" stand for? And the "O"? > well, all you really need to know is that it's a reality show on Fox. > Gordon's pretty sadistic, but the producers and directors are ten > times more sadistic. Gordon may play the drill sergeant to motivate > the underlings, but the producers genuinely hated the contestants, I thought that was the point of most "reality" TV shows, that we were supposed to hate the people on them even more than we hate the people who make them. > and the directors genuinely hated the audience. And what's wrong with that? Orson Welles was a GENIUS!!! > GET YOUR OVERBEARING BRITISH TV CHEFS STRAIGHT! But there aren't any straights who are British. Maybe in Scotland. All British people are gayer than the Queen herself. It's the accent that makes them turn that way. Of course, bad things happen whenever you have a country where everyone has the same accent like that. That's why I'm glad I live in a country where everyone is free to choose from three different accents -- Brooklyn, Chicago, and Hillbilly. -- K. And remember, the Constitution says it's perfectly legal to discriminate against anyone who speaks Hillbilly. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: a catchphrase in search of a context... Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 15:26:31 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > [...] > > Because I can guarantee you, Kibo does even less drugs than I do. Fewer drugs, too. Unless you count hot pepper and sugar. My local supermarket has discontinued canned coconut pie filling right when I've started having cravings for coconut custard all the time. This worries me because it means that there is an atom of Cocononium at the center of my brain which makes me crave coconut because I am a super-genius. And I became a super-genius just to get the candy. Every once in a while I wonder what drugs really feel like, but then I realize that they'd probably just make me think the "fACE" logo in the upper left corner of the screen of the Chinese DVD versions of Jet Let's "Hero" was even bigger and more colorful than it already is, making the movie even less psychedelic. And the "Yellow Submarine" DVD would look like it had black bars cutting off five sides of the picture instead of just four. And "THX-1138" would seem like it had a computer-animated Ewok pasted into it, which it actually does, but the movie's long enough that the drugs would have worn off by then so I would be fooled. Hmm, I think the only other movie in my collection that keeps telling me I should take drugs before watching it is "Star Trek: The Motion Picture", and I don't even want to imagine what being high would do to Shatner's enormous evil hairpiece. Forget the groovy wormhole, the movie would be ruined by the nine-dimensional living plastic hair turning real. This is why I don't feel like trying most drugs, unless they're red and pointy and grow on Mexican bushes, or made by Willy Wonka. Why don't they do a remake of "Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory" that's all about hot peppers? The Oompa-Loompas could set kids on fire! -- K. I don't need drugs because my brain already has that special atom inside. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: help me graduate! Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 15:40:29 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > In Syracuse circa 1997 or 1998, my more talented friends created a > performance art group that they called "Swank Art". They put on a > performance in or around the SU quad on Friday afternoons in the > Spring and Fall. In one performance, they resolved the question of which > was more powerful, Good or Evil, by having hosting a wrestling match. > Good won, you'll be happy to know. I keep thinking that performance art is the wave of the future. And I want to get in on the ground floor of performance art while it's still hip and new and everybody loves it. But most of my ideas require extra people (either as performers or as bodyguards.) Does anyone living in the Boston area want to help me found Kibo's Evil Performance Art Group? KEPAG could really do great things in terms of freaking out the tourist twits who think Quincy Market is a major tourist destination and not just a shopping mall with an unusually high proportion of tacky souvenirs. > SU would often host tours for prospective students, and you could always > identify the tour guide by the orange and blue striped polo shirt they > were forced to wear. So another performance had them seripticiously > joiningg the tour in groups of one and two. They'd play cool for a few > minutes, then start casually swatting at some sort of insect flying around > their heads. The swatting would slowly build up, until they'd scream > "BEEES!!!" and run off across the quad, swatting and screaming. Yes! I heartily endorse this art! We could ruin the Chocolate Tour. I haven't done that in a while. > Another peformance had them dressing up in trenchcoats and sunglasses, > with one of their number equipped with a boombox and a tape of the Mission > Impossible theme. They'd line up against a wall, turn on the tape, then > do all that spy stuff of creeping against the wall, or doing dive rolls, > or what have you. They did it in the student center, and probably other > places, before doing it at the library, where security stopped them and > had a long discussion with them before letting them go. Today, they'd > probably get arrested. Why is it that whenever people go to jail for their performance art, you never hear about them performing freaky performance art in jail to screw with the guards? I'd think that would be the proper punchline. > My favorite was "Art Machine", which was a great big painted box they set > up on the quad. About four of them were in the box with a bunch of art > supplies and an accordian. People were encouraged to put paper in one > side, and art would come out the other. It's always an accordion. Performance art seems to require one. We could set up the perfect performance art orchestra consisting of an accordion, a harmonica, a kazoo, and some plastic buckets being pounded on with a lead-filled Cabbage Patch doll. But I can't figure out what outfit to wear -- The Great Morgani and Thoth already took all the best choices. I'm thinking white three-hole ski masks with propeller beanies over them. Also, the accordion should be shaped like a giant foam-rubber chicken liver. > [...] > > I miss those guys. So come here and let's annoy tourists. Seriously, I'm bursting with ideas for how to annoy people for hours at a time. You won't believe the stamina I have when it comes to being annoying in public. WE MUST BRING BACK SALVADOR DALI'S IDEALS OF ANNOYANCE. -- K. Seriously, I so want to do this. Let's damage some tourists' preconceived ideas about normal human behavior. The Internet doesn't work for this, it has to be done where the Normals hang out, like in front of Au Bon Pain. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: help me graduate! Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 23:10:29 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I keep thinking that performance art is the wave of the future. > > And I want to get in on the ground floor of performance art while > > it's still hip and new and everybody loves it. > > It's decades too late for that. But you could perhaps poularize > nostalgia for performance art. So, in other words, you don't accept sarcasm as the world's greatest form of performance art? Just for that, you have to pay double to see my next FUNFORMANCE!!! -- K. Now hand me my barf bucket full of mostly confetti! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: help me graduate! Date: Fri, 26 May 2006 15:38:53 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, in other words, you don't accept sarcasm as the world's greatest > > form of performance art? > > Not as long as puns exist. Hmm. I've always thought that the most perfectly commercial interactive comedy act would be to get a crowd to gather and then ask them to call out names: "Okay, call out the name of a BIG celebrity and I'll zing them!" "Michael Jackson!" "More like......... Michael JERKson!" "Lee Trevino!" "More like......... Lee URINO!" "Harrison Ford!" "More like......... Harrison TURD!" (etc., until the crowd keels over from exhaustion at laughing too hard) The only problem is that I could see the set running long if I had a stupid audience where I had to yell "...GET IT?" after every hilarious punchline to make them laugh. So let's go do that in public. Plorkwort can play rimshots on her giant accordion, and you can be one of the several people who circulates among the crowd yelling "WOW! THIS IS THE GREATEST PERFORMANCE ART EVER!" and asking us to autograph weird body parts as you throw realistic-looking $1000 bills into the hat. We also need a few lurkers with cameras to hang back behind us secretly photographing the crowd so that later we can study their faces to look for evidence of the proper degree of confusion. -- K. Also we need snipers on the rooftops. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: help me graduate! Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 23:08:07 -0400 Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > WE MUST BRING BACK SALVADOR DALI'S IDEALS OF ANNOYANCE. > > > > Seriously, I so want to do this. Let's damage some > > tourists' preconceived ideas about normal human behavior. > > Some of us touristas only go to Boston for the Abnormality of Life > exhibition that occurs in front of Faneuil Hall every day. Remember, the Street Performer Fair or whatever the weirdstravaganza's called begins this weekend (there were public auditions a couple weeks ago.) Some of those people are pretty good -- where else can you see people who make a living as acrobats without having to smell any elephants or clowns? -- although I prefer the ones around the corner from Faneuil Hall (the ones not officially scheduled by the powers that decide which street performers are allowed to have the good spot.) The Living Gargoyle isn't there any more (apparently he has relocated to a wooded area) but there are a few other people you can find around Faneuil Hall, such as that guy with the fauxhawk* who does a straitjacket escape. (I can do everything he does, but he makes his living _actually_ doing things I only _know_ I can do.) * Doesn't really narrow it down, because 90% of the acrobats I've seen at Faneuil Hall have either a Mohawk, a Mohican, or a fauxhawk. I always wear a hat when I go to watch them so that the audience won't accidentally give me all their money. I still want to install a hinge in an old tennis racket so I can make sure I can fit through it without getting stuck -- I keep seeing people doing that trick, and bozos always seem to be impressed, and I am really skinny and flexible so I bet I could do that trick too, but until I know for sure I'm not going to try it until I can make myself a "non-stick" tennis racket with an emergency exit for practice purposes. (It breaks my heart that they're replacing all the subway turnstiles. I liked the old ones because I could squeeze right through them without turning them. I'm just that skinny.) > Can I have your signature, also would you mind taking a picture > of me with the wife. Sorry, but I don't have a wife. > > The Internet doesn't work for this, it has to be done > > where the Normals hang out, like in front of Au Bon Pain. > > Which one should I, oh so, not hang out at next time or should I frequent > the outside of the CVS storefronts? Where I'm certain I saw someone > hanging out last year, before he was moved on by the police, for the very > crime of hanging out. (We call it indecent exposure over here). I was thinking of Au Bon pain #1 -- the one at the Mass Ave end of Harvard Square -- where the sidewalk-chalk-painters doodle. The reason it came to mind as a hangout for people who are Too Normal For Me To Want To Be Around Them is that when I was walking by a few days ago, there was this large crowd waiting to get in -- all from some tour group -- and their chaperone was standing on a chair exasperatedly shouting, "YOU DO NOT ALL HAVE TO EAT HERE! THERE *ARE* OTHER PLACES TO EAT!" -- K. Of course, most of the other places are in the helical shopping mall that makes tourists dizzy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: help me graduate! Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 22:52:54 -0400 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Does anyone living in the Boston area want to help me found > > Kibo's Evil Performance Art Group? > > > > [...] > > It's always an accordion. Performance art seems to require one. > > Hmm. I am moving back to Boston soon, /and/ I have an accordion. YES! Question is, can you carry that thing while running from the cops? 'Cause I haven't yet figured out what sort of permits would be needed, and also it's not real art if you get a permit from the Man to do it. I, of course, do not play any instruments or sing. But I think a proper performance-art takeover of a public square requires three types of people: People who do disturbing stuff that nobody can comprehend, people who make the music that goes hand-in-hand with the disturbing people, and shills who mingle among the spectators in order to help brainwash them into thinking this is an actual high-falutin' artistic performance and not an experiment in the manipulation of weak minds. The minglers are very important, even if they're not screaming like those girls the Beatles paid to pretend anyone liked the Beatles. The musicians and disturbians and minglers are all equally important to form a balanced triad of brain-breakery. I think Kibo's Evil Performance Art Group could become the hottest thing since that guy attacked Blue Man Group with a flamethrower. Wait, that hasn't happened... yet. -- K. I also want to open a restaurant where guys in silver firesuits cook your burger with a flamethrower. There would be two other gimmicks, but they'd be secret until you got your bill. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: typing with nine fingers Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 15:51:23 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I've been seeing doctors like crazy. If there are tiny doctors crawling all over you, you should cut the dosage of whatever you're on, especially because I heard that the tiny imaginary doctors are going to start prosecuting you for not having Braille signs and wheelchair ramps all over your body for universal access by tiny imaginary doctors. > I've been taking acres of time off work and not enjoying any of it. Well, at least you've progressed to using units of area to measure time, which means that soon you'll have the ability to bend this two-dimensional time into a cool Mšbius strip or Klein bottle and then you'll be able to use it to travel into any time, any book, or any song. Then you'll show us all with your god-like powers over time and books and songs. And if anyone laughs at your truncated finger, you can say "I have a whole finger, it's just mostly in the fifty-leventh dimension!" and then to prove it you'd use that finger to poke them in the center of their brain. > I'm skeptical of my doctor's assertion that the lump of numb skin > at the end of my index finger will shrink. That's all I really > want. If I'm going to have a chunk of my finger I can't feel, then > I want it to not stick out and face further risk of getting hurt > without me noticing. I didn't think it was sticking out because of > inflammation, but rather because it healed in the wrong place. Nerves grow slowly. It'll take a while for them to invade your numblump. Of course, by the time you've regained feeling in the entire numblump, the lump may have become so big that it's taken over your entire body, like that guy who had a zit that kept getting bigger and bigger until eventually he was inside it and he was at school when it popped and then he was naked. So if your numblump starts trying to cover your entire body, remember to wear gym shorts underneath for when it explodes. -- K. Have you tried burning it off with lye? That reminds me, I need to go to Home Depot and get a bottle of lye for my bathroom sink. Tyler Durden clogged it up. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: typing with nine fingers Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 16:01:06 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > > > The truth finally emerges: a.r.k is the religion for those who have > > sliced their own fingertips off. > > Take the "off" out and I qualify. Does getting the tip of a pair of pliers embedded in your hand count? And I'm not talking needle-nose. FLAT-NOSE. Really. You use the duck-bill pliers to bend enough stainless steel and the jaws gradually get flatter and flatter until they have razor-sharp edges and then your hand slips and your pliers go right into your other hand. Thankfully that scar's healed away. > > Me: 1988, right forefinger. Using a new mandoline advertised as an > > exemplary vegetable slicer, and I discovered it also worked as a meat > > slicer. Just a little slice of the tip sheared off but a little > > artery was pumping away and wouldn't stop until the ER doctor > > cauterized it. To this day feeling in the tip of that finger > > is a bit wonky. But can you still play the mandolin? Also, shouldn't the punchline be that you reveal that the entree you were preparing was Cauterized Beef Tips? > Some time in the late 1990s. Me: working at Subway. (We've already > gone there, it was yummy, 'kay.) Tomatoes: needing to be prepped, > by slicing. Using: a table-based sideways tomato-slicer. You can't fool me. Subway doesn't buy special sideways tomatoes just for their slicers. They get the same round ones everyone else does. Except maybe in Japan, I think over there Subway has access to the square tomatoes, except they use creamed corn instead. > Things NOT to do: accidentally slide the tip of one finger even > _slightly_ sideways against one of the razor-ish-sharp edges - > pushing directly into them was fine, since they weren't really > razor-sharp, just "ish", but sliding sideways invoked their > magical slicing powers. Your Subway must've had the best SCA guild. > Finding out where the first aid kit was: helpful. Figuring out that > the blood was still soaking through the bandaid & gauze, inside the > clear plastic gloves, during lunch rush where I had to help out on > the assembly line, so that I had a Finger Full Of Blood: PRICELESS You should've pricked a little hole in the end of the glove so you could milk your finger. Because "Finger Blood Milk" would be a great band name once it came true. > These days I can't distinguish which finger it was; it was a slice, > and healed very cleanly. I _think_ it was middle finger right hand ... > but I'm not sure. Maybe it was a toe? Or was this one of the few Subway locations where nobody uses their feet to squish the sandwiches? -- K. I heard that Jared didn't really lose any weight, they just made him stand farther away from the camera. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: typing with nine fingers Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 16:12:14 -0400 [on Nick's finger's numblump] Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > The neosporin might help keep it "soft", being vasoline-like > > goop based. The "lump" will(should) gradually reabsorb and > > flatten, most likely, probably. > > Unless you cheloid scar. Nick, do you know if you cheloid? If you > aren't sure, show us a picture of the lump so we can give you an > expert usenet opinion. But don't expect me to tell the story of the > scar bands that were growing so out of control in my nose that I could > barely breathe. For free, anyway. The classic Sonny Chiba version of "Ogon Batto" ("Golden Bat") features an evil space monster named "Keloid" who is just a regular Japanese guy with keloid scars on one side of his face. I always wonder about his origin story -- "Oh no! The road rash on my face would have healed up nicely, but I kept picking at it, so now I have to be evil!" That was one of the movies Sonny Chiba made during Japan's turtleneck period. He doesn't play the Golden Bat himself, he just plays the heroic scientist who helps Golden Bat fight crime. One wears a white turtleneck sweater, the other can make a tiny rubber bat on a string fly around the room. Together, they can conquer any space people, no matter how bad their skin is. My advice, Nick: If your numblump does turn into a keloid bump, I suggest you just give yourself ones on the other nine fingers so that your hands are not only symmetrical, but textured for securely gripping wet objects. Then you could make a living picking up the eels people drop on the floor at Ming's. (Asians aren't really inscrutable -- they get plenty embarrassed whenever they drop a live eel on the floor in front of you. Only the ones with keloid scars are inscrutable, even if it's just on one side of their face.) -- K. How come Chinese chess has one elephant but no eels? Eels are more fun to throw around. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: pinched nerve Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 16:20:39 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > I've had a nerve pinched in my elbow for about two and a half weeks > now. For a while it was just my hand tingling and I couldn't tell > whether it was in the wrist, elbow, or shoulder, but then I got a sharp, > stabbing pain in the arm and knew exactly where it was. Last Thursday, > it came mostly loose, but it still kept getting pinched again, though not > quite so hard. My elbow popped as I was stretching and twisting it just > now, and I got a rush of sensation like water running through the inside > of my arm. Yay, your chi is flowing! Some people pay good money for that freaky feeling of the firehose cleaning out the inside of your arms. I'm at a loss as to why stimulating a single point on the nervous system can cause the illusion of directional motion down the length of the arm -- I can understand it might make the whole arm tingle, but why does it feel like it's moving through the arm in one direction? > Now I've got that same vague but nonstop tingling as when it > came loose the first time. Here's hoping that nerve is finally > unpinched for good! > > It would be interesting to see whether Nick felt phantom tingling > sensations in the disconnected bit of fingertip in a case like this. Yawn. Try going back in time and having chicken pox thirty years ago and then wait for the nerve damage to kick in over a couple square feet of skin. I was so happy last year when I finally decided those particular nerves had finished dying. That weren't no tingling, more like being stabbed with dozens of electrified daggers over and over and over and over. I win! -- K. If you were a pair of Siamese twins joined at the fingertips, which way would the chi in your arms flow? How would the midichlorians know which way to go? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Latest news concerning Wiblur's borken kidneys Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 16:27:57 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > It's been a while since I've posted an update, so here goes: > > About three weeks ago, they took the cathater out of my chest, since the > fistula in my arm has been working all groovy and cool for my dialysis. I > had to sing the Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy song, since I am now 100% itch- > free and they tell me that I am getting better dialysis since the arm > hook-up circulates more boold during the time I'm hooked up. Wouldn't it be more efficient if you had one connector at the top of your head and another in one of your toes so they could just flush your insides out real fast? I'm envisioning something like a giant Super Soaker that hooks up directly to your skull and squirts all your blood out through your big toe and then they replace the Super Soaker with a toilet plunger to pull all your blood back in. Of course it wouldn't really be a "toilet plunger", they'd call it something in Latin to justify the markup of reselling you something from Home Depot. > [...] > > I'm feeling much better than I was back in January, when I started > dialysis, but I'm still pretty tired most of the time. To occupy my time, > I have been suffering from a serious case of Sims 2 addiction, what with > the new business expansion and stuff. I've never played "The Sims". That's the thing that's like Tamagotchi only not portable, right? I think that if I wanted to play a game where I had to keep things alive I'd just buy another packet of pepper seeds. -- K. My apartment faces the wrong direction for plants and other living things. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Latest news concerning Wiblur's borken kidneys Date: Fri, 26 May 2006 20:07:57 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > My daughter built a big building that served as her house of torture. Her > goal was to lure townies into a room, remove the door and cause their > demise in various ways (each of which creates a different type of ghost). > She wanted to build up a collection of all the different types of ghosts > in one building. > > When she did fire, the fireman came running to put it out, but couldn't > get in, so just ran in circles around the house until the fire died out. Now there's the problem in her master plan. She didn't torture the fireman for failing to figure out how to use his non-sparking bronze crash axe. I sure hope you're talking about "The Sims" and not just stealing my semi-lucid dreams. Wait, did you disguise yourself as Andy Dick just to break into my subconscious? > Of course, none of them were as funny as when my other daughter wiped out > whole a cheerleading squad (She made them look like zombies when she > created them), so the dorm would be haunted by zombie-cheerleader ghosts. > After the Grim Reaper had collected the last soul, he went to the > bathroom, sat on the toilet and sat there looking around for about 10 > minutes (real time). You know, if the pinnacle of your game-playing experience is staring at a guy sitting on a toilet for long periods, it's cheaper just to buy German videotapes over at that store with the purple windows. > I don't kill off sims intentionally, but since the University and > Nightlife expansions introduced zombies and vampires into the game, > I am developing an undead section of town. You're on dialysis _and_ you like vampires? Uh oh. I sense that you have indeed been the one writing all those Anne Rice / David Cronenberg crossover stories. "And then nancy-boy Brad Pitt stuck all the rubber hoses into manly-man James Woods's chest vagina, and then Jude Law demonstrated a new videogame controller you have to play by sucking the blood out of it, and then everyone took turns flogging each other with fluorescent pink catheters..." > Thanks to the folks who created a Harry Potter mod with potions, > spells, etc., I have even opened Auntie Zelphie's House of Hoodoo, > supplying potions and spells to the thriving voodoo community. You must be way out in the back of beyond if people don't have any other places to get their eye of newt and tongue of frog. In the big city, we have Trader Joe's. So then Andy Dick was sitting on a toilet in Trader Joe's while Michael Ironside inserted latex tubing into a hole in his forehead and Trader Joe tried to sell them a bag of rice but it was actually Anne Rice so it turned them into gay vampires and then found Jesus. Meanwhile they found true love by crashing their cars into each other while holding throbbing crash axes and playing "The Sims" on a pulsating Atari 2600. The End. Me, if I had to be hooked up to a dialsys machine for hours at a time, I'd come up with something more clever than an Anne Rice / David Cronenberg crossover. Like, I'd invent a cure for Germany. Those people shouldn't be allowed to have toilets until they can figure out how not to use them on videotape. -- K. As far as finding a compatible kidney donor, have you tried using eHarmony? Their commercials tell me that they scientifically match people using the 29 known dimensions of suckeriness! I think anyone who believes those commercials is probably so gullible that they're going to give their kidneys away eventually, the question is whether you can call dibs on them before the people who make the Trader Joe's meat pies do. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Latest news concerning Wiblur's borken kidneys Date: Fri, 26 May 2006 19:47:00 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > TomH (address@my.sig) wrote: > > > > Aw, c'mon, ... I bet your boold machine goes "PING!-PING!-PING!" > > and all the lights flash in a chaser sequence when you've reached > > the "clean as a whistle" game level. Also, you get Extra Bonus > > Points for actually being ONE with the machine when you play a > > session of Dialysis Dungeons & Dragons. > > There are all kinds of wacky pings, swooping sounds. most of them are > translated into: "Hey, you slacker, you moved in a way your overseer > machine didn't appreciate, so you'd better be absolutely still or I will > ping some more and the tech will come over to tell you to not even dare > move your arm for the next several hours, or else. And let me guess. The doctor keeps chewing you out for not getting enough exercise? > Even then, however, it's better than when they were using the cathater in > my chest. I couldn't move, breath to hard, cough or sneeze without > setting off a symphony of bells and whistles. "No, doc, although I had the chili today, it was the machine making all those horrible farting noises while you were lecturing me about exercise." > > What does it do at the "All Done" game stage? > > It's an anticlimatic constant bing, bing, bing, that's about half the > volumn of the pings you don't want to hear. That's not "All Done". "All Done" is when pretty boy Tom Cruise climbs into bed with you wearing a frilly shirt and long Fabio hair and two gummed loose-leaf reinforcements stuck to his corneas and bites your neck and sucks all your blood out in a slightly gayer way than ordinary vampires. I liked how that Web site you mentioned (the one with the picture) advised always going to the dialysis room with a pair of clamps and a pocketknife so that if the building caught fire you could put both clamps on the tube and then cut it so you could skedaddle without making a mess while the building burned down. In my opinion, everyone undergoing medical treatment should have a concealed knife just to even the odds if the doctor decides he might as well mug you while he's holding his scalpel. Also, I will bet you a dollar that somewhere there's a whole Web site devoted to stories that begin "I thought it was a mistake when I accidentally stuck my penis into the dialysis machine, but ever since..." eBay currently has a listing for a matched set of eight Baxter "PAC-Xtra" dialysis machines (no bids yet, you could pick them up for $400 for 8) but they were made back in 1996 -- when the bozos who make these things still hadn't thought about making their medical machines Y2K-compliant -- so the auction photo shows a machine welcoming you to your "MAY 23, 1906" appointment. You should pick 'em up because just think of how much quicker you could get your blood washed if you used all eight at the same time. -- K. I dare you to post an .mp3 of your dialysis machine's wacky noises so we can all enjoy. Bonus points if it also makes wet slurping sounds so David Cronenberg will want to be your friend. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Latest news concerning Wiblur's borken kidneys Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 23:29:14 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Wouldn't it be more efficient if you had one connector at the top > > of your head and another in one of your toes so they could just > > flush your insides out real fast? I'm envisioning something > > like a giant Super Soaker that hooks up directly to your skull [...] > > Close, but yours is more full of wacky fun. > > http://www.pipeline.com/~gil1/esrd/2008h.jpg Hmm. It seems to come with a four-bagger IV stand. So do you get a separate bag of Liquid Lunch for each of your arms and legs while your dialysis port is hooked up to the machine? If not, you could probably save a couple of bucks by getting the version of the machine that comes with a two-bagger IV stand. I've always wondered why you can't just hang two bags on the same hook. I suppose that's the sort of thing that medical-supply catalogs would hate because they always have to have the expensive, the more expensive, and the most expensive options for every item -- so you can get IV stands with two or four arms, and then you can get the four-armed ones with the good wheels or the shopping-cart wheels, etc. Do they also have good-better-best versions of dialysis machines? Is there any difference between a really crummy dialysis machine and a really, really, really good Play-Doh McFlurry maker? Please post pictures of Seven Of Nine connected to a McFlurry machine via latex (not Hypalon) tubing while flooring the machine's gas pedal. Thank you very much. -- K. I dare you to ask your doctor whether a Foley catheter is better or worse than the McKinney, Thomson, MacDonald, or McCullogh catheters. If he looks baffled, yell "EEEEEEEVIL!" and then demand a prescription for Gleemonex. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Latest news concerning Wiblur's borken kidneys Date: Fri, 26 May 2006 15:46:12 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > My mate stayed in cheap hospitals - they'd hang 3 bags on one > IV bag arm. Once, they had a 4th one on the same hook, > attached with what looked like a shoe lace, which dangled a > bit lower than the other 3. I SO wanted to take a pic of that > - it looked like a wacky clear-plastic-3-balled dildo with > major design issues. The nurses could not understand the > hilarity it caused me, but did scrounge up a 2nd stand so they > could quell the disturbance I was apparantly causing with my > mirth. Well, you know what they say: Laughter is the best medicine. That's why NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO LAUGH IN A HOSPITAL, because only doctors are allowed to give out medicine. > I think the other patients were concerned that someone had > removed my mates privates rather than just scraping goo out from > inside his femur. Shouting something along the lines of "3 > balls and a deflated dick" semi-coherently (I was laughing way > too hard for my own good, and also seething a bit, as the whole > trussed-up IV bag thing was just wrong) and tripping over a > chair whilst backing up to get a different view of the > monstrosity may have led some poor drug-addled pain-filled post- > op patients to think they were next. That's another great idea for a piece of performance art: Several of us all shave our foreheads and draw stitches on them and then invade various hospital rooms to liven things up for the bored patients by yelling "YAY GOOD NEWS THEY GIVE YOU ICE CREAM AFTER THE SURPRISE LOBOTOMY!" As you point out, all hospital hilarity has the same punchline: "YOU'RE NEXT!" This article contains too many capital letters. But if they didn't want us to shout, why does the sign say "QUIET -- HOSPITAL ZONE" and not "quiet -- hospital zone"? -- K. Another performance art idea: Something like "Stomp", but called "Loud". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Latest news concerning Wiblur's borken kidneys Date: Fri, 26 May 2006 20:15:35 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Another > > performance art > > idea: > > Something like > > "Stomp", but > > called "Loud". > > > > > > Ohh, look how prettily my newsreader mangled your sig thingie. Mangled things are inherently pretty, but that sentence isn't mangled. It just a good idea that happened to get rearranged like a chimp attempting to translate "Hamlet" into Yerkish. So take that chimp out from inside your computer before the chimp breaks something even more important than my brilliant idea. > What was I going to say ? An oooooh shiney moment here. > > Ahhh - Stomp -vs- Loud = antimime squad So half of us dress up as mimes and do mime while miming mimily, and the other half of us stand next to them banging on pots and pans while screaming "I HATE MIMES! I HATE MIMES!" and the audiences' heads will explode because they'll hate mimes too but the I-HATE-MIMES people will be far more unlikeable than the mimes so they won't know which side to root for and then we can make a fortune selling them all betting tips as to whether the mimes or anti-mimes will win. Seriously, I need as many volunteers in the Boston area as possible. If I can get a posse together, I'm going to make performance art come tragically true. And I promise I'll never run out of ideas for new ways we could bother people who need to be bothered. -- K. Thousands of tourists are going unbothered! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: pooooooooooop in the nooooooooooz Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 22:32:09 -0400 This is two months old, but someone on MetaFilter just brought it up, and I thought it seemed like something I should make everyone on a.r.k think about. Behold! [www.washingtonpost.com] -> -> Important Medical News . . . -> . . . delivered in a serious and straightforward fashion -> -> By Gene Weingarten -> -> Sunday, March 28, 2004; Page W13 -> -> I am right now on the phone, on hold, waiting to talk to Dr. -> Johannes Aas, a prominent gastroenterologist from Duluth, Minn. -> [...] -> -> Dr. Aas is a busy man, and this is taking a while, so I'll use -> the time to warn you that if you are currently having breakfast, -> or contemplating having breakfast, or ever plan on eating again, -> you might wish to skip over the remainder of this column. Yay! It's one of those newspaper columns that will save us the trouble of ever having to eat again! -> Ah, here we go. -> -> Dr. Aas: Hello? -> -> [...] -> -> Me: Could you explain for my readers what this new treatment -> consists of? -> -> Dr. Aas: You mean why we have chosen this method? -> -> Me: Sure. However you like. -> -> Dr. Aas: Stool is an organ. -> -> Me: Excuse me? -> -> Dr. Aas: It is normally considered waste product, but it is in a -> way an independent organ, like the kidney, and it contains -> thousands of different bacteria living in symbiosis. These -> bacteria are needed for normal health. When you use some -> antibiotics, some of this bacteria population gets destroyed. If -> you later get infected with Clostridium difficile colitis, there -> is this competitive battlefield in the colon, and without the -> necessary bacteria, Clostridium has the upper hand. So what we do -> is take normal stool from a normal person, make an extract of it, -> put it in a blender with water, take two tablespoons of that -> cocktail, and introduce it into the patient's body. And how is this different from just ordering a Dr Pepper at Taco Bell? Oh, right, he said they only mix in liquishit from a _normal_ person. Still, there are probably lots of other places you could get two tablespoons of doody in your diet. Did you know only three of the layers of Trader Joe's seven-layer bean dip have names? -> Me: It is, in effect, a human poop transplant? -> -> Dr. Aas: Yes. To replace the normal colonic flora. -> -> Me: That's a nice word! -> -> Dr. Aas: Okay. Is this where Hawkeye Pierce recites the maudlin story about how the original inventor of the poop transplant died from lack of poop because they wouldn't give him a poop transplant because he was black and then Frank Burns points out that even Wikipedia knows Hawkeye is just making up shit? Stupid Hawkeye! (Being put in your place by Wikipedia is only slightly less painful than being zinged by The Anarchist's Cookbook.) -> Me: And how is this transplant done? -> -> Dr. Aas: Through a tube down into the patient's stomach. A -> naso-gastric tube. -> -> Me: It goes in through the nose? -> -> Dr. Aas: Or the mouth, yes. -> -> Me: Okay! -> -> Dr. Aas: Yes. But what if the patient was born without a nose or mouth? Do they have to put the poop in through their ear or through their belly button? -> Me: Can't it go in the other end? -> -> Dr. Aas: There is a doctor in Australia who does it that way, but -> sometimes the small intestine is infected, too, so it is more -> effective this way. Wouldn't it be even more effective if you put it in both ends at the same time? You know, like if you drink a Dr Pepper from Taco Bell while jumping into the ball pit? -> Me: In this particular organ transplant, who are the donors? -> -> Dr. Aas: Most of the time, a loved one. -> -> Me: I can imagine. -> -> Dr. Aas: Yes. "At Taco Bell, our Dr Pepper is made with 53% more love than regular, sanitized Dr Pepper." -> Me: And this works as a cure because the microbes remain in the -> colon? -> -> Dr. Aas: Yes. -> -> Me: It is the gift that keeps on giving! You see, Howard Hughes wasn't so crazy after all. He saved up all his bodily wastes just because he knew that if he lived to be 101 they might need to put some of them back in. -> Dr. Aas: We've been doing it for 10 years without a single -> failure. -> -> Me: Doctor, on behalf of my readers, I need to ask you, am I -> making you up? -> -> Dr. Aas: No. -> -> Me: You exist, and I am talking to you? -> -> Dr. Aas: Yes. But that's precisely what we'd expect him to say if he was made-up! Hmm. I suppose it's too much to ask that a complete proof of the existence of objective reality be included in an article about doody-swapping. -> Me: How do you pronounce your name? -> -> Dr. Aas: Oze. I am Danish. ...like the pastries with the swirl of brown goo! -> Me: Okay. You understand why I am calling you, right? -> -> Dr. Aas: Oh yes. You wouldn't believe the [flora] I have taken -> from colleagues since publishing that paper. -> -> Me: Yes, I would. Well, I want to thank you for taking the time -> to speak to me today. As far as I am concerned, if this column -> saves just one life, if it eases the burden of one victim, then -> my work here will have been vindicated. -> -> Dr. Aas: Good! Never mind that. Where can I go to donate? -- K. How do you know whether a bacterium is a flora or a fauna? That's the sort of question that might make a Linnean nomenclaturist's bowels explode. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What do you do when the person you're in love with doesn't know you exist (and is a celeb on the net)? Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 23:39:15 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > Hyper Bell (sibel_ayper@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > I usually spend my time checking my mail and visiting Kibo's webpage, > > > so I'm kinda the geeky kind of girl. But even geeks fall in love. My > > > prince charming is one of the funniest guys alive. But he doesn't > > > know who I am. > > > > An "a celeb on the net"? > > I didn't even know we were categorizing them as A celebs and B celebs. > But I suppose it was eventually inevitable. > > Unless the space between "a" and "celeb" is a mistake, and we're really > talking about acelebrities, people who are the opposite of famous. You > know, like that one guy. And that guy is pretty hot, if you ask me. I dated him for a while, but then he got a blog, and as a result I had to dump him because having a blog automatically made him world-famous among the six people who read the Internet. > > That can't be right, there ain't no funny net.dieties, 'cept for Leader > > Kibo. [...] > > > > Well, OK, I s'pose Bertrand Meyer is pretty amusing sometimes. > > I thought you were talking about Bertrand Russell for a moment, and > tried to imagine what a funny Bertrand Russell would be like. Would he > tell jokes in semaphore about nuclear disarmament? Or would he just do > devastatingly blasphemous stand-up comedy? I dunno about you, but I can't even get through the first volume of "Principia Mathematica" without getting the giggles. I mean, zero is not the successor of any "natural" number! Those sex jokes about number theory break me up. I usually laugh out loud way before I get to the orgy at infinity. -- K. Funny scientists named Russell: Bertrand. Helena. Hertzsprung. Nipsey. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Allston, Mass... Date: Fri, 26 May 2006 15:59:16 -0400 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Karlo X (ktakki@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Cozette Carroll, a local filmmaker just released a short > > feature about Allson, Mass: > > > > http://www.turnhere.com/player/index.cfm?name=allston > > > > I'm interviewed in this film and contributed about > > 80% of the soundtrack > > > > Plus, it features Mr. Butch, the mayor of Allston > > (formerly of Kenmore Square, before the yuppies took > > over that shit). > > Wow, Karlo, this is great. Certainly brought back memories of when I > lived in LA (Lower Allston -- the part separated by the Mass Pike) > 20-some years ago on first moving to Boston as a student BeeYuu. > > I haven't been down Harvard Avenue in ages, but during one of my visits > I did mark the unlamented passing of the Allston branch of Father's > Place, a chain of about three or so pubs in the Boston area, all of > which seemed to be in competition with one another for featuring the > absolute foulest men's room. > There also was, at the corner of Harvard and Brighton, a Riley's Roast > Beef which had an alleyway that served as a gathering place for a small > group of street people who would interact (in mostly benign fashion) > with passersby, mostly looking to get some spare change. That Riley's is long gone. Although I never wanted to eat there, I always loved their neon sign, 'cause every time the bus went by it at night I'd see this glowing green Defender lander zipping past and I'd start screaming "OH NO! SAVE THE HUMANOIDS!" but nobody ever got it which is why I never did it aloud. Also nobody ever appreciated that I liked the sign around the corner that said "FERN CLEANERS" because nobody else thinks like Steve Allen. > They were definitely enterprising: One guy sold used phone books > two or three years old for 25 cents apiece; my favorite, though, > was a gentleman who set up a sign next to his collection box > saying "Help send a wino to Harvard." The invention of "Spare Change News" has destroyed the used-phonebook industry. Plus I think the phone book has timelier news. "Spare Change" is like "Grit" without all the hard-hitting investigative journalism. > And yes, Mr. Butch was a habitue of that area, so I was pleased and a > little amazed to see him in the film, as I thought he had died several > years ago. Nice to see he's taken up pennywhistle; I remember him on the > corner of Harvard and Commonwealth serenading the oncoming traffic with > an unplugged electric guitar -- that is, when he wasn't trying to hold > conversations with the passing cars. > But if part of being a mayor is sheer visibility and ubiquity, Mr. Butch > definitely met the standard. He really did seem to be everywhere. [...] You know what's amazing? In all my time living in this area, I've never encountered Mr. Butch. I think he's deliberately avoiding me. > I could also wax nostalgic about The Kinvara Pub, further north toward > Cambridge Street, which had excellent Irish music performers (as well as > the crappy, Wild-Rover-No-More variety) like Touchstone and The Poodles > as well as great sessions. Meh. For my money, the best thing in that part of town is the holy Bacon Chambers. What are you, one of those weirdos who eats meat but still doesn't accept bacon as the greatest meat in human history? -- K. Aliens have things beyond simple Earth bacon. Like, on Rigel-7, they have a bacon-like thing that also functions as a videogame, so you can shoot those pesky humanoids while eating it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 303 or 600 centillion years Date: Fri, 26 May 2006 16:04:59 -0400 In alt.religion.kibology, jonwiley85@yahoo.com wrote: > > Is it true by going at 300 centillion years or 600 centillion years? > > What is the course is going to years ahead? > > A. 303 Centillion Years > B. 600 Centillion Years > C. 999 Centillion Years D. 1 Kibillion Years. Note that a simple linear measurement isn't sufficient to quantize the evolution of the space-time continuum around here, because our manifold has three space dimensions, one time dimension, and a Special dimension. The Special dimension is where it's impossible to prove that the Muppets aren't real, due to the laws of logic being cancelled out due to all the atoms in that dimension having little smiley faces. Sometimes they won't shut up and you have to yell "Shoo, atoms! Away with you!" and hit them with a broom, though this can be a problem because in the Special dimension brooms cost a kibillion dollars because they don't have brooms in the Special dimension, you bozo. -- K. So what do I win for having answered your question correctly? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 303 or 600 centillion years Date: Tue, 30 May 2006 16:38:51 -0400 In alt.religion.kibology, jonwiley85@yahoo.com wrote: > > The 303 Centillion years are over and so the 600 Centillion years. And later, jonwiley85@yahoo.com wrote: > > The 303 Centillion years are over and so the 600 Centillion years. Still later, jonwiley85@yahoo.com wrote: > > The 303 Centillion years are over and so the 600 Centillion years. Okay, so you've proved your theory that you've learned how to work the "cut" and "paste" doohickeys on your computer thingie. Either that or you're just a really good typist and very boring. Prepare your mind to experience a new scale of boringness: I hereby sentence you to watch 600 centillion years of "American Idol" reruns. Your move. -- K. And don't try to make me watch TV, because I'm TV-proof. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 303 or 600 centillion years Date: Sat, 27 May 2006 15:01:43 -0400 In alt.religion.kibology, jonwiley85@yahoo.com wrote: > > Muliple-Choice Question: > > What is the full years ahead? > > A. 303 Centillion Years. > B. 600 Centillion Years. > C. 999 Centillion Years. 18.16 hours. But the dot's actually a comma, just without a tail, and the sixteen is actually an eleven that ate a whole bowl of raw cinnamon bread dough and its stomach swelled up so it looks pregnant but we know it can't actually be pregnant because it's against the law for an 11 to get pregnant. The minimum age of consent for numbers to have sex is 600 centillion years. You're welcome. and in alt.religion.kibology, jonwiley85@yahoo.com wrote: > > Is it true by going at 303 centillion years or 600 centillion years? What do you mean by "it"? And what do you mean by "years"? Earth years or weird years? Augh, you are making me think too hard! Now I'm going to have a stroke before even my first centillionth birthday! and in alt.religion.kibology, jonwiley85@yahoo.com also wrote: > > The 303 Centllion Years or 600 Centillion Years was a near far away? > > True ir False I really don't like this new version of "Star Wars". Why did George Lucas have to add a pop quiz at the end? Mr. Wiley (or is it Dr. Wiley?), I have a serious question for you. What form of logic did you use to determine that alt.religion.kibology is a newsgroup for the serious discussion of cosmological theories? I am highly interested in knowing this as part of my plan to conquer the world. Please answer in the form of an essay -- typewritten, not handwritten -- by the end of this period, unless this period is actually a comma, in which case, please answer in the form of a Hanna-Barbera cartoon based on the "Koroshiya Ichi" manga with Frank Welker as Kakihara and Tom Kenny as Ichi. Your Nobel Prize awaits! (Allow 3 to 6 centillion weeks for delivery.) -- K. So what happens in 9999999999 googleplex years? Is that when Martin Landau finally discovers what happened to Barry Morse? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.engineering.electrical,sci.physics,alt.astronomy,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Correct way to write 24 hour-time? Decimalpoint too. Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sat, 27 May 2006 14:30:10 -0400 In alt.engineering.electrical, sci.physics, and alt.astronomy, Alex Coleman (no@no-email.com) wrote: > > (1) I see several worthy attempts to write the time in a 24-hour > format. Does a definitive format exist? Yes. RFC 2822. You're soaking in it now! RFC 2822 is like RFC 822, except it keeps working after AD 99. > I want to leave out the seconds. Also note that I am NOT referring > to computer conventions of any sort. Oh. Well, I suppose you could make two semaphore flags and hold them at various angles to indicate which way the big hand and little hand go. > QUESTION: If it is 11 minutes past six in the evening then what is > the correct format? > > 1816 hrs > 18:16 hrs > 18:16 hours > 18:16 h > 18:16 > 18.16 > 18-16 > > Does it vary between being written by a word processor and by hand? > See below. Hey, have you met our friend "Mr. 999 Centillion"? Maybe you and he could refer to a computer convention together. Or perhaps a "Star Trek" convention. By the way, "16" is not a very good way to write "11", unless you're using base 5, in which case you're going to go to jail for trying to use the digit "6" which doesn't even exist in base 5. Stop trying to confuse the issue with imaginary digits! > (2) What is the correct way to write a decimal point? By using the sharp end of the pencil, not the rubber end. Remember, if it's a "6H" pencil, the "H" stands for "Hard", so you might want to start with an "Easy" pencil. Less chance of poking your eye out. > I am English and that means that a comma is not the correct symbol > for the decomal point. Of course, 'cause England doesn't use decimals any more. They use Metric. So a comma is no longer called a "point" but a dot is now called a "comma" which is why in England "dot com" is pronounced "comma dotta". That's also in one of the RFCs, probably the one down the street from me that used to be a Popeye's. > But ISTR that when the decimal point was written by hand it was in > the air about half the height of the digits. Now that's an impressive trick. How did they keep it from blowing away? Also, how much does it reduce your postage if you write a whole letter using that special ink that hovers in the air? Are you Harry Potter? > Typewriters and word prorcessors did not offer that half-way > character so a full stop was used. But is it more correct to > handwrite the decimal point as half way up the height of the digits? Halfway up the one to the left, or halfway up the one to the right? This is important because you might have multiple sizes of digits if you want your gasoline's price to end in "point nine point nine point nine". -- K. So do you have any exciting math theories based on the research of Jack Bauer? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Why I like Japan, even if it's a crazy country. Date: Sun, 28 May 2006 04:26:53 -0400 Japan is the only country that understands that Spider-Man is cool only if he has a two-way wrist TV and a weird-looking sports car and a giant spaceship which has machine guns and can transform into a giant robot which has a glowing sword that leaves trails in the air and can fight giant space landsharks that fire torpedoes from their mouths. Seriously, how come Americans never figured out that Spider-Man should crush his enemies with a giant robot? I don't think American Spider-Man even has a bicycle, let alone a crushy robot! Japan got Spider-Man right back in the 1970s, so why do the Americans still bother trying to make movies where he doesn't even fire machine guns? -- K. India's Spider-Man, on the other hand, answers the question of whether it's cool to wear a loincloth over a spandex unitard. It ain't. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why I like Japan, even if it's a crazy country. Date: Sun, 28 May 2006 16:57:53 -0400 [concerning a Japanese TV clip] Kevin Buhr (buhr+un@asaurus.net) wrote: > > Dr. HotSalt (mfergerson1@cox.net) wrote: > > > > http://astro.sfasu.edu/movies/RubeGoldberg.mpg > > > > BTW, what the HELL are they advertising? > > The Japanese text that keeps showing up in the movie is the name of a > (possibly educational) kids' show called Pythagoras Switch (AKA > Pitagora Switch) produced by NHK. I always knew the Japanese had > cornered the market on humiliating game shoes, but apparently they > also have way cooler children's programming. Every country has cooler kids' shows than the Americans, British, and Canadians do. Don't you think the intelligence and weirdness and specialness of American children would shoot up off the charts if we had a TV channel that showed only German, Swedish, Italian, Korean, and Turkish children's shows? But instead we get "Sesame Street", which has gone from being a hip, counter-cultural, dangerously clever show in the '60s to now being the squarest, lamest thing you can make with the same puppets. American kids' TV is as safe as a Nerf ball, and almost as educational. > See, maybe: > > http://www.nhk.or.jp/youho/pitagora.html > > for a screenshot (with puppets!!) and Japanese blurb (without > puppets!!). Wrong! Kana are ideographic, so every word is a living, breathing puppet. Well, except the words for minerals. And the words for anything invented later than the sword, because those are always transliterations of English words. But all the words for people and critters are little squiggle people who are ready to jump off the page and dance for you if you just cut back a little on the wonder why and give proper Japanese insanity a try. In Japan, puppets are everywhere, even when you can't see them! > Here's a paraphrased translation of the text courtesy of > my very limited Japanese ability that will surely be corrected by > ARK's enormous native Japanese readership. It starts strong, but > quickly underwhelms: > > There are hidden rules that govern the strange and wonderful things > we see around us in our everyday lives. Take taiyaki(*), for > example. Why do they always end up in the same shape? Strange, > isn't it? The hidden rule is that "there's a mold". Official > seals and art prints, all kinds of printed matter, various > industrial products... All of these use "molds", and if you know > about "molds", you'll be able to understand how all these things > are made. > > This program will get children who think about these sorts of > things to say "I see!" Watching the program will flip on the > "switch" in their heads, and develop and foster their > inquisitiveness. See, Japanese kids' shows are all about developing inquisitiveness, while American shows are all about behaving and being quiet, because the Japanese culture places great value on -- wait, something's wrong with this sentence. And I can't figure it out because I watched too much American TV! Waah, my brain is ruined! > The Japanese dictionary "edict" defines "taiyaki" as "fish-shaped > pancake filled with bean jam", so the show's entire philosophical > underpinning consists of a flatulent, fish-shaped cookie: > > http://images.google.ca/images?q=taiyaki > > Yum! I've had a lot of those. They're fun. There are also a lot of frozen versions filled with ice cream. Basically, think of a styrofoam-flavored fish with Good Humor goop inside that comes squirting out the sides of the fish when you bite its face. As to why those are shaped like fish, I think it's just because all Japanese food has to be mostly fish, and they couldn't think of any other way to combine fish with ice cream without ruining the ice cream. Japanese people think ice cream that's not shaped like fish is as gross as ice cream that tastes like fish, if not more so. ICE CREAM MUST BE SHAPED LIKE FISH because THERE IS A MOLD. You have now learned how the world works. Now let's watch Spider-Man flying his giant robot and strangling people with rope! "SUPAIDA-STRINGU!" -- K. The Japanese "Spider-Man" show is the world's biggest dose of awesomely crapwacky. Japan has always understood that "crazy" and "cool" and "cheap" can all be the same thing. Their 1978 "Spider-Man" kicks the ass of even the original "Sesame Street". By the way, they're going to bring out a box set of actual old "Sesame Street" episodes if you young whippersnappers want to find out why us old-timers ever considered that show sassy and psychedelic. When it comes out in October, you better believe I'll be telling you about it again. And it better have all 12 versions of the pinball segment! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why I like Japan, even if it's a crazy country. Date: Sun, 28 May 2006 22:07:05 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But all the words [in Japanese] for > > people and critters are little squiggle people who are ready to > > jump off the page and dance for you if you just cut back a little > > on the wonder why and give proper Japanese insanity a try. > > In Japan, puppets are everywhere, even when you can't see them! > > So when you memorize them (that tried to type itself as 'mamorize', then > 'momorize') you get a lobe full of puppet symbols? Most books on elementary Japanese or Chinese introduce the characters by showing you that "person" is a little stick figure whose head and arms have been cut off, and "big" is a stick figure saying he loves you thiiiiis much, and then when you watch enough yakuza or triad movies you figure out that putting "big" next to "man" gives you "boss". I've picked up about 50 ideographs so far from DVD boxes and movie subtitles -- I'm told about 900 of them make up 90% of written Chinese, I'm not sure how the distribution breaks down in Japanese. Of course, Asians keep trying to throw you curve balls by confusing you at every opportunity, like how in Chinese chess an elephant is the same as a minister except one's red and the other's black and they're both really bishops except they can't go anywhere or do anything because unlike real chess where the each bishop is limited to 50% of the squares, Chinese bishops are limited to fewer than 8% of the squares because they may or may not be elephants and everyone knows you can't fit an elephant on a chessboard. In Japanese it gets even harder because you can flip them over to turn them into horses and if you can capture one later you can throw it at your opponent. So trying to learn ideographs from Japanese and Chinese chess is at least as hard as learning them from movie subtitles, especially if you're watching "Hero" (the Chinese movie, not the Japanese movie of the same title) where they're playing go and the subtitle says "chess" because you have to say "elephant chess" if you want to refer to the one that has bishops which are really ministers which are really elephants which can't be promoted to horses which aren't knights. Learning the strategy of go is so much easier than learning the names of all the chess pieces. > > > [...] > > > > > > so the show's entire philosophical > > > underpinning consists of a flatulent, fish-shaped cookie: > > > > I've had a lot of those. They're fun. > > Our faith in Kibo is vindicated again! Hey, if it's Japanese or Chinese and purports to be candy or pastry, I've had it. It's too bad that the wonderful Japanese bakery I go to (Japonaise Bakery, the one that has the most incredible curry doughnuts) doesn't have the fishless fish cakes. I should ask them why they don't have the fish cakes that watch you eat them. I understand you can flip one of them over to turn it into a president who's also a nematode, but only if it's dark on Tuesday. > He Who Tastes That Which We Need To Taste But Know Not So Now We Need Not > Taste It triumphs again! > > ...what does the truck sound like that dispenses these, by the way? And > what language is the music written in? WHAT SORT OF FONTS DOES JAPANESE > MUSIC USE, anyway? Please don't get me started on how sick I am of trying to read "jun" fonts at small sizes. Someone should teach Japan and China that just because printing is tiny doesn't mean it should also look like it was written with a ballpoint pen that makes nothing but hairlines. Chinese and Japanese should have thicks and thins, or at least all thicks, when written small. But I keep seeing this stuff that's essentially invisible. > [...] > > (I had not realized that Amazon.com also did used-item business, or that some > of their items were "from $0.01"...) Yes, they do, but "used" means "some guy in Singapore opened it and made 58,000 copies of it after taking out all the copyright notices and here you buy now!" A lot of the DVDs people sell "used" on Amazon are simply bootlegs. That's how I got my famous "'Superbabies' has no redeeming qualities!" bootleg. You know, "100% GENUINE BRAND NEW FACTORY SEALED BUT CONTAINS NO ARTWORK". I also got my bootleg "WarioWare, Inc." GameBoy cartridge from an Amazon "used" purchase. I wouldn't have known it was a bootleg if someone hadn't pointed out to me that the label was the wrong color (green instead of rainbow) since it's a good fake, down to the weird tri-wing screw holding it closed. Since I'm aware that some of the stuff I've bought "used" is bootleg, I'll wager that a sizable fraction of my other "used" purchases are bootlegs that can't be distinguished from the real thing. It's only possible to tell that something is bootleg, it's never possible to tell that something isn't bootleg. I get used books from Amazon all the time, but for DVDs and games I usually get 'em elsewhere, because there are cheaper ways to get bootlegs (hint: above I mentioned that I've been learning a little Chinese from the backs of DVD boxes.) -- K. Don't ask where I got the Chinese chess set, or why. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why I like Japan, even if it's a crazy country. Date: Sun, 28 May 2006 17:13:00 -0400 [concerning a Japanese TV clip] Dr. HotSalt (mfergerson1@cox.net) wrote: > > http://astro.sfasu.edu/movies/RubeGoldberg.mpg > > BTW, what the HELL are they advertising? Now that I've seen some of that footage, I gotta say: Did it give anyone else flashbacks to that early "Sesame Street" segment where the little red rubber ball went through the rollercoaster and then at the end went into a meat grinder and got destroyed? That's always been one of my favorite "Sesame Street" segments, even though I have no idea what it taught me other than that no matter what happens in life, it always ends with your balls getting shredded. We need to send Len Cella to Japan in trade for them sending us people who make the sort of video in that clip, just because America needs more people like that who understand that the most educational TV shows are ones that are entertaining because they have no actual educational value. I think every child should be exposed to at least eight hours a day of tiny things rolling around while wacky music plays. Stuff like this teaches kids that their toys would be more fun to play with if they didn't follow the directions. First we had action figures where kids were expected to replicate scenes from TV shows exactly. Now we have action figures with little computer chips in them that yell out orders to tell the kids how to play with them. I say that compared to that, watching any TV show that has marbles knocking things over is a million times more constructive. Let's ban kids from watching anything with characters or a plot until they learn that the point of life is that you should ignore any rules. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to indent the next part because that's how I always do it. -- K. And now I'm going to go to the toy store and knock all the dominoes over without even taking them out of their boxes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This Death Ray calls for HYPER! SPEED! Date: Sun, 28 May 2006 16:30:43 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > It's time for me to give up my power bands, for I have misused them, > > Schwa pointed out in his LJ that Alex Toth is now dead: [...] > > ... and I'm the one who death-rayed him. > > Since that post also mentions the game I'm designing that uses the > smiley dice Kibo gave me, I suppose you could say it's ALL KIBO'S > FAULT!! Well, it'll be okay, as long as we all commemorate Alex Toth's memory by wearing big helmets and big gloves and big boots while threatening to destroy the world. I've been preparing for this day for years! Poor Alex Toth suffered the worst indignity that could befall someone with such wonderful artistic skills: He was forced to draw stuff for crappier and crappier products to make a living. First they had him working on Synchro-Vox cartoons (you know, the still pictures with the hole in the middle for the human lips) and then he had to design characters that even Hanna-Barbera's animators could reproduce (meaning 99% of his customary detail had to be omitted) and then eventually he saw them cutting up those old cartoons to make a wacky talk show because they were so minimally-animated that it made it easy to repurpose them. Alex Toth had a beautiful style whenever he was drawing actual comic books (but so few people ever see those compared to the TV shows), and he also did a great job designing those simplified characters for Hanna-Barbera as well a Milt-Caniff-like style for the Synchro-Vox people, but he basically wound up known mainly for having his name in the credits of a parody of talk shows. I guess in the world of comic books if you're not working on Superman or Spider-Man you don't become well-known (Toth got to draw Green Lantern, Zorro, and a lot of other characters, including some original ones.) [from an interview with Darrell Bowen on www.tntie.com:] -> -> DB: Let's talk about Space Ghost. It is what a lot of people -> remember you for, but it wasn't your favorite character. -> -> AT: No it wasn't. And I don't know what all the shouting's about. -> I always thought it was mediocre. Even when he was working in a simplified style to do character model sheets for all those Hanna-Barbera characters, you can tell that he could really draw well, while the people animating from his model sheets couldn't. One wonders how horrible stuff like "Space Ghost" would have been if Hanna-Barbera hadn't had him around to keep complaining about their lameness. I think he wound up giving all their characters masks and big gloves and big boots because that would give them more expressiveness when drawn by people who couldn't do muscles or faces right -- basically, he knew they'd turn into stick figures with big blocky hands and feet. In his model sheets the characters are streamlined and incredibly powerful, but the animators drew 'em blocky and awkward. At least once or twice he got to draw Space Ghost with a nice quality of line (for the covers of some video releases, etc.) but if you really want to see how good he was, look for some of his comic books, or even the drawings he did for the Syncho-Vox cartoons (I like the sci-fi ones known variously as "Space Angel" and "Scott McCloud: Adventures In Space".) There have been a few coffee-table books devoted to his art (the first one from Auad Publishing -- black cover -- is great, I haven't seen the second one:) http://www.auadpublishing.com/ A gallery of some of Toth's drawings can be found at: http://tothfans.dynu.com/gallery.asp There are a lot of interesting subtexts in his work -- there's always a hard-drinkin', hard-fightin', manly man's manly man who is ruggedly manly and Scottish and drunk and manly. His drawings radiated testosterone, booze, cigars, and Scottishness. One gets the feeling he may have been somewhat bitter, and he seemed to work through those feelings by using them in his comics. I envision him sitting at his drawing board with a pen in one hand and a glass of Scotch in the other singing "Stout-Hearted Men". Most people who draw action comics don't celebrate testosterone the way Toth did -- this maximal level of energy was one of the things that made his work great. Lots of real emotional intensity. Too many comic artists don't get that a drawing should project more emotion than a photo, just because it can. And Alex Toth could draw anything and give it that much energy. -- K. "Cursed be the fool who destroys wonder!" -- Alex Toth ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Rattle. Date: Sun, 28 May 2006 18:32:59 -0400 John Winston (johnfw@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: How To Get Out Of The Cult. May 29, 2006. > > Here is some information that you might not want to read > if you think things on this Earth are just fine. [...] John, have you considered a career in the greeting-card business? I would pay money to buy Hallmark cards that say "Here is some information you might not want to read if you think things on this Earth are just fine." That would be the world's most perfect greeting card because you could write any punchline inside: Outside: "Here is some information you might not want to read if you think things on this Earth are just fine." Inside: "Sorry I gave you lice." Outside: "Here is some information you might not want to read if you think things on this Earth are just fine." Inside: "You need to move into a fireproof house because the firemen have decided they don't like you." Outside: "Here is some information you might not want to read if you think things on this Earth are just fine." Inside: "By opening this card, you agree to donate your organs to science right now." Outside: "Here is some information you might not want to read if you think things on this Earth are just fine." Inside: "'Star Trek' will become real next week. The bad news is you have six days to live." It's the perfect greeting card any time you need to send bad news, no matter what the twist ending is. You could make a billion dollars! Unless bad news stops happening, but let's just hope it never does. -- K. Outside: "Here's some bad news, so you should sit down first." Inside: "The bad news is, it turns out that chairs cause impotence." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Michael Jackson too weird even for Japan Date: Sun, 28 May 2006 22:27:36 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > How do you say "stay away from me you chimp owning freako!" in Japanese? You haven't seen enough Japanese TV. 90% of the dialogue in any Japanese action show is either: a.) "HUH??????", which is Japanese for "HUH???????" b.) "NANI?????", which is also Japanese for "HUH???????" The differences between the two are subtle, and involve whether the camera is zooming in really fast or zooming out really fast. The Japanese "Spider-Man" show I'm currently watching uses most of the remaining 10% for people shouting "SUPAIDA-MAN!" So, the fact that the show doesn't have English subtitles doesn't bother me because I already know the three words which make up almost all the dialogue, and I've been learning the others (such as "SUPAIDA-STRINGU!") by simply not being stupid. There are two languages known as Japanese: The one with thousands of words as spoken in real movies, and the one with about five words used in superhero shows. If we could restrict Japanese people to only using words that were used on "Spider-Man", I'd know the entire language and would be able to communicate with anyone who can yell into his two-way wrist TV to make his costume jump on him from out of the sky and then zip itself up in extreme close-up. American superhero shows always try (and fail) to hide the costume zippers because they think it ruins the fun to see the zippers. The Japanese Spider-Man flaunts his amazing zipper power. I've seen superhero slash movies (where 90% of the movie is just superheroes getting dressed in their locker room) that don't have such tight close-ups of zippers. Japanese people not only don't pretend Spider-Man has a magic seamless suit, they want to be sure that he has a zipper, and that it's the most magical zipper ever. I guess when you're in a country that still had guys in wicker armor waving around swords in the 20th century, zippers always seem like magic. I heard that soon Japan might discover Velcro. Seriously, the scenes where his costume is thrown at him from the sky are sillier than anything Adam West ever did. Gotta love Japan for knowing that superheroes shouldn't try to pretend they're in anything resembling a real world. -- K. Spider-Man's car is the Spider Machine GP-7, which is exactly like the Mach 5 except two better. Those two are the complete lack of Spridle and Chim-Chim. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "The Twilight Zone", season 59 Date: Sun, 28 May 2006 22:44:51 -0400 ...and then when he tried the tapioca pudding, it tasted exactly like plain vanilla pudding! DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE Next week: A man tries to walk past a sign that says "It is impossible to walk past this sign unless your head is about to explode!" -- K. Also, EVERYTHING is a cookbook! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: FYI Date: Sun, 28 May 2006 23:09:53 -0400 "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > I hate the entire world and everything in it. Dear Rod Serling, Thank you for submitting your script for season 60 of "The Twilight Zone", to be retitled "The You Suck Zone". However, we feel the following section of the script is too bitter: (FADE IN.) (OPENING TITLES.) FIRST GUY Hey, this vanilla pudding tastes like-- ROD SERLING You suck! (MUSIC STING.) SECOND GUY What happens if I walk past the-- ROD SERLING You suck! (MUSIC STING.) THIRD GUY Hello, my name is Itzhak Ookbook, and I just found this book which I am only now going to open-- (HE OPENS IT AND INSIDE IS A TALKING PICTURE OF ROD SERLING.) ROD SERLING You suck! (CLOSING CREDITS.) (FADE OUT.) Mr. Serling, we suggest you learn to appreciate that the world is a warm and wonderful place all the time, a boundless panoply of limitless niceness and eternal satisfaction. Also, game shows are hot right now, so can you change this to a game show? Have the revised script for "Nobody Sucks: The Game Show (The Series)" on my desk in the morning and then we can talk about "Nobody Sucks: The Game Show (The Movie)" and its prequels. Sincerely, Itzhak Ookbook. (MUSIC STING.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: FYI Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 22:23:54 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] SWISH! Fabulously fashionable new Kontext-Away With Pastel Color Story flounces flamboyantly, twirling its sequined cape around its flaming magnesium G-string! > P.S. I'm not gay. TWEEEEEE! Kontext-Away yells "I'D BUY DAT FOR A DOLLA!" and then gets hit in the crotch with a lavender-flavored cream pie! BOI-OI-OINGGGGG! It's an extra sound effect for extra boinginess! -- K. Haw haw, I bet you even know what the word "duvet" means. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: ghost pigeons Date: Mon, 29 May 2006 02:40:11 -0400 Hey, Fark.com found this update to our old favorite before I did. That's inexcusable. But anyway, here's the latest on just how real killer ghosts in India are: [timesofindia.indiatimes.com] -> -> Cops put to rest 'ghostly' pigeon in WB village But what about those deadly 'whammies' over on GSN? NO WHAMMIES, NO WHAMMIES, STOP!!! -> SURI: The "ghost" of Suri has been put to rest. After scaring -> people in several villages in Suri, the Birbhum district -> headquarters, the police managed to catch hold of the "ghost" a -> pigeon with a plastic skull hanging from its neck and red bulbs -> around the eye-sockets. Also the pigeon had a tattoo that said "Biker Chick". -> In the last one month, five people were reportedly attacked by -> the "ghost", leaving scratch marks. -> -> Police officers said the bird was probably being used to create -> panic but there are no answers as to why anyone would do so. ...especially given that, in India, it's way too easy. -> "This shows how birds and animals can be used for creating panic. -> But we don't know who did this and why," DSP Amitabha Maity said. -> The bird was caught from Kaita village after locals informed the -> police. -> -> "A battery powered miniature circuit was used for lighting the -> bulbs. The glowing red light and the skull seen during the night -> created panic," said Maity. "OH NO! AN LED! RUN!" Then someone showed up playing "Magic Square" on a 1978 Merlin and the entire city's economy collapsed. Heaven help these people if any astronaut on the International Space Station shines his a laser pointer at India. -> The "ghost" was first seen a month ago by a man in Kalipur -> village, who had scratches all over his face after being -> attacked. He was admitted to the Suri hospital. Some days later, -> a boy in a Dubrajpur village was attacked in a similar manner. -> Three more people were similarly attacked. I hope this isn't going to turn into that lame "Dick Van Dyke Show" episode where his son gets attacked by the giant offscreen woodpecker. I much prefer the one about the killer walnuts. Walnuts are scary! -> With irate locals blocking roads after the police's apparent -> failure to nab the "ghost", night patrols had been increased. -> Several people had described the "ghost" as a man and at times -> as a monkey. "IT'S A VENN DIAGRAM! RUN!" -> A special team was formed and the police also got in touch with -> the forest department. They had also roped in village panchayat -> pradhans to capture the "ghost". You see, the owner of the abandoned carnival, Old Man Don Knotts, placed this common household hologram over a flashlight to allow the fake ghost to lift massive objects! In order to smuggle the diamonds out disguised as jellybeans, he merely took advantage of a convenient local legend! And now, let's all chow down on the Indian equivalent of Scooby Snacks... AAAAAAAACK MY TONGUE IS ON FIRE!!! HELP, THE SCOOBY SNACKS BURNED MY FACE OFF!!! -- K. Ever notice how Hanna-Barbera characters drive like THIS, but people from India drive like THIS? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo will have less reason to make fun of me now... Date: Mon, 29 May 2006 02:45:38 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Subject: Kibo will have less reason to make fun of me now... Why, did you lose 300 pounds? > [...] AW LOOK ALL YOUR QUOTED TEXT FELL ON MR. FLOOR! -- K. It's not the number of pounds, it's whether you can fit into your mom's bathing suit. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Important points to consider. Date: Mon, 29 May 2006 04:20:24 -0400 Tony Shalhoub has really stubby fingers. It will probably be many decades before the "As Seen On TV!" emblem changes to look like a widescreen, sharp-cornered TV. The Three Stooges had several fake Curlies but no fake Larry, to avoid scaring the kids. Shag carpeting may no longer be stylish, but I bet that next time it resurfaces it's a foot long. Of Bob Hope's four stars on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame, nobody knows which one he's buried under. Brown is not actually a color. It's an optical illusion. Nobody has yet offered for sale a gas mask that will fit a pet ameba. What do all these facts add up to? A trapezoid of knowledge at the exact center of a scalene triangle of logic. Those of you who need to give me Nobel Prizes may send them to: Me. Use Federal Express, not FedEx, because the Federal Express logo looks like it goes faster. Do not disclose this information to anyone. Tell everyone you know to also not disclose this information to anyone. It is critical that nobody believe you that you have the greatest information that was ever born. Wear a mask if reporters ask you how great a genius i am. For hygiene, always eat ball-game frankfurters with a knife and fork and only between innings because the motion of the ball stirs up the germs. I know that all these facts are true because I'm the one who made them up. Even Tony Shalhoub cannot disprove my factual theory that he has stubby fingers. Sincerely, Your Television Pal, Kibo, That Genius. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Martin Landau comes a day early this year Date: Tue, 30 May 2006 19:47:57 -0400 Remember how, on September 13, 1999, Martin Landau blew up the Moon, according to the first-season opening titles of "Space: 1999"? Well, Paramount's finally going to be selling the original "Mission: Impossible" (with "special guest star" Martin Landau in every single episode of the first season) this fall... ...on September 12. My theory is that they think anyone who will buy the "Mission: Impossible" DVDs will run out and get them on the 12th so that they'll have something to watch while they're hiding in their fallout shelters on the 13th, celebrating the seventh annual Martin Landau Blew Up The Moon Day. Of course, note that these first-season "Mission: Impossible" DVDs appear to have had Peter Graves digitally replaced with some other guy who was never on "Mission: Impossible" (Steven Hill.) But that's okay because the new guy can act. I like the box art because if you use your imagination a little it looks like Barbara Bain's weird asymmetrical plastic hair is burning. Anyway, it's nice to see that this year there will be some corporate exploitation of Martin Landau Blew Up The Moon Day, which is required for any holiday to be considered official. So throw out your old calendar and buy a new one that has Martin Landau Blew Up The Moon Day unless you're the unpatriotic sort of person who doesn't celebrate whatever TV-related holidays I tell you to. -- K. Also don't forget that this summer is the twentieth anniversary of Father Guido Sarducci's "Bicententennial". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: curses Date: Tue, 30 May 2006 20:29:47 -0400 In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@earthlink.net) posted his exciting new two-part theory: > > I guess > > God made > > volcano Washington > > throw out gases and rocks > > Washington is part of U.S. No it isn't. It's a peninsula. -- K. And what will it be in 600 centillion years? Some sort of _super_ peninsula, like Canada? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: alpha female in cats of 4 females Date: Tue, 30 May 2006 21:09:24 -0400 In sci.bio.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > From what I have seen with my 6 cats is that the alpha female is the > largest female. And I always thought you were taller. Well, try not to make her mad at you. But why six cats? I thought your life revolved around the number 239. Six would be the magic number for some guy named Archimedes Lithium who liked lithium a whole lot, not somebody like you. I won't take your scientific research seriously until you get the other 233 cats you're supposed to have. -- K. Frankly, I'm surprised you're even allowed to have cats. Isn't there some law that says people are required to be smarter than their pets? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.bio.misc,sci.med,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: cats reflect the human problem of obesity Re: greatest diet ever known; riding lawnmowers are 1/2 of the problem Date: Tue, 30 May 2006 21:18:23 -0400 In sci.bio.misc, sci.med, and soc.history, a_plutonium (a_plutonium@dtgnet.com) wrote: > > I had to laugh last year when the mother cat was trying to be a good > mother to her 5 kittens of 6 months old. She went out hunting and > brought home to her kittens a vole and pitched the vole on the ground. > Expecting her audience of kittens to eagerly run over and accept her > gift of food. Instead, her 5 kittens looked disinterested as if to say > "why bother, we don't like that junk food, we are waiting for Uncle > Archie to feed us the good stuff". Well I'll be a monkey's uncle, Archie is the kitties' uncle. I hope you remembered to give your nephews and nieces power of attorney in case they ever have to put you in a home. Trust me, someday you'll have to let those cats make the right decision for you. > This is the problem of modern society, in that we have made food so good > tasting and plentiful and cheap and able to horde in refrigerators and > freezers, that obesity cannot be avoided by most people. When it takes > so little effort to open a freezer and to have ice-cream in wrappers on > sticks, that takes no effort, that we inevitably chain-binge-eat until > we have eaten every bar in sight. There is no stopping. The flaw in your theory is that scientists have discovered that some people can sometimes choose not to eat an entire box of Fudgsicles with one hand while telling Usenet about their cats with the other. > So to be serious about dieting, means that you cannot buy it at the > store. Dieting starts in the grocery store. If you buy it, then you are > not on a diet, because you cannot uphold a discipline once you get it home. Seriously, Arch, this would never happen if you were smart enough to give those cats power of attorney. Let the cats lock you up and throw away the key -- it's for your own good, and you should welcome your new cat overlords. > Just like the cats. The food I give them is so much better tasting than > any mouse, vole, bird, rabbit etc etc. That the cats are forever > spoiled. They catch these critters, but seldom eat them, because they do > not taste as good as what Uncle Archie puts into their feeding pan. "Meow" = "EWW THIS DEAD RAT SMELLS LIKE UNCLE ARCHIE'S HANDS!" It's your cats' way of telling their uncle that he needs a bath. And I don't want to see the photos of you licking yourself, you pervert. -- K. I'm not even going to mention that Archie's article implies that he knows what cat food tastes like. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: cats reflect the human problem of obesity Re: greatest diet ever known; riding lawnmowers are 1/2 of the problem Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 15:37:34 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > [...] in the fridge. I had to cut into small pieces in case he's a > > vegetarian. > > > > So yeah, I not only cooked for a cat, I minced his food for him. > > Haven't you been paying ANY attention to those VW Jetta commercials on > TV? Just because he's a vegetarian, that doesn't mean he's necessarily > a fagort. Be careful. If your cat is gay for you, because Archie is gay for his cats this could lead to you and Archie being gay for each other so that your cat can get legally married to his cats. And that would be just too weird to even mention. Then we'd have to rub Weirdness Remover on our brains to get that image out of them. Those VW commercials which position themselves as humorously satirizing cultural stereotypes are really in the same genre as that bleach commercial with the fluffy cat, i.e. commercials which simply want to get your attention through shocking racism and then quickly changing the subject to pretend they're not actually doing that. I haven't seen that bleach commercial ("...all this time, I thought she was WHITE!") in a while, but it seems to have been the start of a trend. We may be in for a wave of other things like the VW commercials. I gotta admit that after the white guy gets upset that the black guy says that Jetta owners all know how to dance, the reveal that the announcer is wearing lederhosen is a daring twist -- first you have a black guy being racist against a white guy by re-assigning the black-guys-got-rhythm sterotype to him (gee, thanks, VW) and then the commercial ends with VW flaunting a stereotype of Germans. It's their way of saying "Look, we're not being racist, cause we're mocking ourselves too! See this stereotype of ourselves! We're all Germans and all Germans are Nazis! So calling ourselves Nazis is the same as calling ourselves not racist!" Or maybe I'm reading eight levels too many of meaning into this dopey commercial which is the tenth-generation descendant of the original "Think small" campaign. Maybe VW is just floundering around trying to find a way to shock people inoffensively so they're trying to do something with all the appeal of playing the race card without using a real race card. Maybe they're trying to break my brain by making me attempt to deconstruct the logic of an imaginary form of racism manufactured by the ad industry to sell functional objects. Personally, I think people who own cars are bozos. All of them. And it must be true because behind every stereotype there's a grain of truth therefore if I make up enough stereotypes I can prove anything! -- K. "Commercials that make you squirm" is not a smart form of marketing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: cats reflect the human problem of obesity Re: greatest diet ever known; riding lawnmowers are 1/2 of the problem Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 20:27:13 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Commercials that make you squirm" > > The ones that make me squirm are the cell phone commercials inviting you > to "download the latest viral videos." Cronenbergian and Burroughsesque > imagery aside, Aww, why does it have to be aside? Cronenbergian imagery shouldn't be aside, it should be inside, shoved up deep into your body through one of the fifty-three known Cronenbergian orifices everyone has in their Old Flesh. > that sounds to me about like "Come in and buy our fun propaganda drinks!" "Drink Yourself Gullible!" > Or is this some new recreational autohypnosis craze, having yourself > remade into a part of the so-Barbarino crowd by allowing these videos > to program your cultural orientation subliminally? Watch out! Cronenberg's firing the Barbarino Ray out of his lower left BLANK! You're watching "New Flesh Match Game '06", and how do YOU fill in this orifice? So. anyway, since you brought up the issue of Cronenberg's fascination with people having extra tentacles and/or the insertion of special tentacles into special places in special ways, let me tell you about my shopping trip to Chinatown today. I'd already mentioned that one of the video stores I frequent has an illegal casino next door (where I heard someone getting beaten to the tune of "My Sharona" sung in Chinese -- this is why I can't play the American version of the PlayStation "Taiko Drum Master", because it includes "My Sharona", and I think it couldn't compare to the actual live performance I heard of a guy being My Sharona'd to death) but there are several other equally odd stores in Boston's Chinatown. Around the corner from that one is a little basement place which contains a hedge maze made of freestanding stacks of VHS cassettes. Imagine how wobbly and shaky and vertical pile of 80 VHS tapes is (think of the scene in "Ghostbusters" -- "No human would stack books that way!") and then imagine a store with about a thousand of those stacks towering over you on all sides. They're taller than you (and the rafters are also packed with more tapes.) Squeezing through the store between the tipsy stacks of cassettes is like that carnival game where you have to move the little metal loop along the squiggly wire without ever touching anything, in that it's impossible. I go there because there's a little table of used Video CDs in the front (maximum price $5 each.) I've now been there enough times that they trust me to be an actual shopper and not some orange-haired non-Chinese guy who wandered in there for no particular reason, so today the proprietor offered to show me the secret stash of discs that are hidden under the counter. As if Hong Kong law applied here, the Category III and OAT II discs were hidden (in Hong Kong, you're not allowed to let minors even see the boxes of stuff that has sex or gore or tentacle rape.) I flipped through the stack of video nasties and found a Japanese movie I hadn't encountered before: "Edo Porn". It's a dramatization of how the famous artist Hokusai (you know, the "Wave" painting) came to do that one picture of the woman being raped by the octopus tentacles. The box has a big photo of a woman delighting int he companionship of a giant rubber octopus. So not only is it a dramatization of the true story of the origin of the Japanese tentacle-rape fetish, but it's got a wonderfully fake rubber octopus that looks like something from one of Ed Wood's stroke films. I haven't watched it yet. Nor have I watched the one I got at the other store (next to the DO!NOT!NOTICE!THIS!CASINO casino) titled "Killer Pussy", where the box art shows a woman with an evil H.R. Giger-style tentacle reaching out of her cha-cha (and there's also a picture of her having sex with a monkey.) I'm really not sure when (or if) I'll ever be in the mood to watch these two, but it is nice to confirm that we're not imagining it, Asia really does have a "tentacle rape" live-action genre. So I'm going to keep these Video CDs handy in case David Cronenberg ever comes to visit. Hey, it could happen. Also today (over at my favorite video store, the one that's really a goldfish store that also has movies) I bought a DVD of Donnie Yen's "Protege de la Rose Noire", which has a wonderful "One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other" cover: woman dressed | woman dressed as a catburglar | as a catburglar | ---------------------+--------------------- | woman dressed | HELLO, I'M as a catburglar | BURT WARD! Yes, it's a Chinese guy wearing a Robin costume -- specifically, Burt Ward's sateen version, not one of the kinky rubber ones with the nipples on the outside. They did a great job making an exact clone of an incredibly dopey outfit for their own evil purposes. However, I have not yet played the DVD so I don't know whether Knockoff Robin meets tentacles. (It's a category IIB movie, so it's possible.) It came with refrigerator magnets of photos of the characters so I can tell the entire kitchen I own something starring Chinese Burt Ward. (One of the refrigerator magnets is a six-piece jigsaw puzzle, in case I ever need a really easy brain-teaser to pass the time while I'm in the middle of opening the refrigerator.) So, now we know: Asians like tentacle porn and "Batman" sidekicks. I wonder if they also like the sidekick from that other show that aired after "Batman". I forget, what was the name of that unknown guy who played the Green Hornet's buddy? -- K. If you want something really creepy, I have a Jiang Zemin karaoke DVD. Eeeeeeeeee! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: cats reflect the human problem of obesity Re: greatest diet ever known; riding lawnmowers are 1/2 of the problem Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 17:26:03 -0400 ...continued from somewhere. Because Glenn Knickerbocker was talking about tentacle porn, I mentioned I had just purchased a 100% factual documentary movie about Hokusai watching that woman making out with that octopus. Millions of imaginary friends wrote me and demanded proof that this movie not only exists, and that I actually have a legal copy of it. So, here you go: "Edo Porn": http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_05_edop_1479_400x400.jpg It's based on this famous painting: Hokusai's "Octopussy": http://ivizlab.sfu.ca/arya/Gallery/Ukiyo_e/Hokusai/Fisherman_Wife_Dream.jpg Not to be confused with: Hokusai's macho octopus: http://www.pacificasiamuseum.org/japanesepaintings/html/popup/3_2a.stm And for a different type of Japanese tentaporn, here you also go: "Killer Pussy": http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_05_killerp_77_400x400.jpg Upon closer inspection, the picture of the monkey on the back just turns out to be a guy who was so badly-printed that he looks like some sort of simian, but he could simply be a hirsute pinhead. The semi-monkey: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_05_killerp_78_400x400.jpg And then for Chinese Burt Ward, here you go again: "Protege de la Rose Noire": http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_05_blackr_1475_300x400.jpg ...now with legs (and panythose!): http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_05_blackr_76_300x400.jpg Matching refrigerator magnet set not shown. Those represent just a tiny fraction of my collection of Asian movies, most of which involve neither tentacles nor Chinese Burt Ward. And none of them involve both at the same time... as far as I know. Also, how come there are no Chinese or Japanese knockoffs or parodies of "Star Trek"? Can you imagine how awesome the Shaw Brothers' imitation of "Star Trek" would be, especially given that all their movies already involved large flat sets covered with sparkly fried-chicken-textured rocks and guys in primary-colored outfits with giant fake wigs? Every country should have a "Star Trek". It's not like it's hard to make your own. You just have to have a lot of bad actors in your country. Look, if Turkey can make their own "Star Trek", surely any country that's even close to having electricity can! Japan could probably even invent a machine that would automatically make a thousand "Star Trek" episodes a day! -- K. That's what the Sonny Chiba version of "Ogon Batto" was missing -- he never dressed up as Burt Ward. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Centillion Years Question Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 15:19:58 -0400 In alt.religion.kibology, jonwiley85@yahoo.com wrote: > > jonwiley85@yahoo.com wrote: > > > > Here is your Question: What is the most of the Most Centillion Years? > > > > A. 10x303 > > B. 10x600 > > C. 10x999 > > The answer is 10x303. Wrong! I think the guy who asked that question tricked you. You shouldn't let him make you look like a bozo like that. Everybody knows you can't multiply 10 by 303, because not only are they two completely different numbers, but according to the immutable laws of science the result's units would be "square years", and I, for one, am not ready to spend any amount of years inside squares. I'd go out of my mind sitting below Paul Lynde, next to Arte Johnson and Rose Marie, after even the first centillion square years. Have you considered a less repetitive hobby, like maybe making a dorodango? You could probably make one the size of a planet if you took a centillion years. Plus maybe life would evolve on it, and you could talk to it, although it would probably be some sort of unintelligent life, but that would be okay because you could say the same things over and over to it. Of course if you made a dorodango that big you'd have to worry about the immense amounts of wu and wabi radiating from it, and you'd have to keep them balanced, so you might have to stand back to avoid being blasted by rays of super-intense wu. But still, I'd think rolling a dorodango would do you a lot of good, even if you think mud is dirty. For the greater good, I urge you to go out in the back yard and make a dorodango today! Devote your life to making it perfect unless you want to admit you're not as good at mudwork as a Japanese toddler! SHOW US YOUR DORODANGO! -- K. On "Hollywood Squares", the squares had the wu, the celebrities were just inane. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spackle?! Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 15:46:35 -0400 Otto Bahn (http://www.brown-recluse.com/bitephotos.html) wrote: > > You ever wake up early, and unable to get back to sleep, > find yourself staring at the ceiling? And then you notice > the ceiling is spackled? That what looks normal during > the day, now in the early dawn light looks like painted > dirt and gravel? And you are asking yourself all of these > stupid questions? Just because of spackle and the tiny > shadows it casts? That's not the spackle. Every shadow is actually the tiny ghost of the lost soul of a chicken nugget you once ate. The really tiny ones are french fries and onion rings. Potato-piece souls and onion-skin souls. If you ate only inorganic matter you wouldn't have this problem. > Spackle is ugly. That's all there is to it. But when > you spread it out over the entire ceiling, the ugliness > cancels out and you don't notice it. Usually, anyway. > Spackle even sounds ugly. It probably traps dirt and > germs, and may even contain lead. It is wrong for boys > and girls to have the bits of spackle between their teeth. > Spackle must drive people in mental institutions crazy. > I bet it's a real bitch to get rid of spackle too. If > you don't wear a mask while scraping it off you'll suck > up enough dust and dirt and germs to kill you. This is why, to protect your lungs, you should spackle and grout them before attempting to de-spackle or re-grout anything. Ever wonder why grout and caulk come in icing tubes and pastry guns? It's so that you can jam 'em into your throat and squeeze really hard, just like those gas-station pickles that come in the plastic pouches. They're all things you're supposed to squirt directly into your lungs to protect you from diseases, radiation, and the smell of your own feet. > Spackle is like restaurant carpeting that is designed to > hide stains and cockroaches. Yeah, it works, but who > would want to have a floor that look like stains and > cockroaches? You haven't been to Las Vegas, have you? Go to the lower floor of "New York New York", look down, and cry that your entire theory has been destroyed by a stupid casino. Well, at least you can get Krispy Kremes while you're there. > Just say no to spackle. It's a 1960s retro-Florida cheap > concept that only worked because the furniture was ugly > too. Spackle is not sexy. Smooth is sexy. Ayn Rand's > face was spackled. Plus, she smoked, and her spackled > lungs killed her. Dead is not alive. Ayn Rand's face wasn't spackled. It was just writing you a love letter in Braille. > Teh enb (of spackle), > > --oTTo-- "oTTo" rhymes with "spackle" now. I win! -- K. I like nougat. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spackle?! Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 21:55:44 -0400 Otto Bahn (http://www.brown-recluse.com/bitephotos.html) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > Otto Bahn (http://www.brown-recluse.com/bitephotos.html) wrote: > > > > > > Just say no to spackle. > > > > Is this some trendy new portmanteau combination of "speckle" and > > "stucco"? > > I think I just wackyparsed it. "Spackle" is a brand name for gray goop you smear on walls to smooth them out and fill in cracks. "Stucco" is bumpy white goop that was popular on walls and ceilings in the olden days. It's basically 3-D paint. "Spackle" is also a word Letterman's writers thought was hilarious back in the first season, hence an explanation in the ancient "Late Night With David Letterman: The Book" that "spacklies" was the staff's term for jokes about spackling and grouting. > [...] It occured to me they were probably dust magnets, and > I imagined tiny mites that drift down like Horton hears a Who. Never mind that. Is broccoli kosher in your house? > I meant the version of stucco that has plastered blobs > ranging from the size of sand grains to small peas. I > think it is sprayed on, hence it's usefulness to developers, > and it is also good for hiding flaws and shoddy workmanship > while requiring little maintenance unless you have a teenager > who practices jumping by trying to touch the ceiling. The big lumps are where they hide the ancient asbestos that wants to detach and jump into your lungs. Also, the big lumps have acoustic properties -- they keep any sound you make from echoing and annoying you by transmitting these sounds directly through the ceiling to your upstairs neighbors. Have you considered doing like a normal person and simply covering all your walls and ceilings with aluminum foil? -- K. I'm not kidding, you need to put foil on your ceiling right now. I'm tired of picking your thoughts up on my brainscanner. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Attention California residents, your vote will now be thrown away for some reason! Yay! Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 20:43:07 -0400 Mark Hill alerted me to this incredibly idiotic item: [www.mercurynews.com] -> -> Assembly backs plan to give presidential votes on popular vote -> -> Samantha Young -> Associated Press -> -> SACRAMENTO -- Frustrated that presidential candidates have spent -> so little time in California, lawmakers on Tuesday approved -> legislation to change how the state awards its electoral votes -> for president. -> -> The bill would pledge California's 55 Electoral College votes to -> the winner of the national popular vote, [...] So let me get this straight. California wants to lure politicians to visit their state by promising to award their electoral votes based solely on what happens _outside_ of California? I can't even begin to comprehend how to figure out how to figure out how to figure out what they think their logic is. This makes most of Archimedes Plutonium's political theories seem sound. Manley Hubbell's, too. When did California become The Crazy State? ...let's see, how long has it had statehood? I hereby found The Contrarian Party. Once we take over every state, each state will change its laws saying that its electoral votes go the opposite way from every other state's electoral votes. This will create a massive Russell Paradox ("The barber shaves all men who don't shave themselves") which will then cause the Constitution to explode and then we can have anarchy for everyone, just like the Bible says we should. Also, only people under six feet tall will have to pay taxes, and Monopoly "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards will really work. I fully expect all this to happen because I'm sure I can get the massive population of California behind me just by practicing a ridiculously fake German accent and posing nude for lots of gay porn magazines while saying "Dese are not staiwoids I am takink!" while drinking from a huge jug marked "STEROIDS, GERMAN STRENGTH". And once I conquer California, I can use Hollywood's propaganda machine to take over the other 49 states. Today, California, tomorrow, the real world! -- K. Is there any state which hasn't yet elected a crazy governor? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Attention California residents, your vote will now be thrown away for some reason! Yay! Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 03:43:45 -0400 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > -> AB 2948 would commit California to a compact in which each > -> participating state would cast all its electoral votes for > -> the presidential candidate receiving the most popular votes > -> nationwide. > > Oh yeah, and there is this other little detail that the drafters of this > law probably forgot about. > > No State shall, without the Consent of Congress, lay any duty of > Tonnage, keep Troops, or Ships of War in time of Peace, enter into any > Agreement or Compact with another State, or with a foreign Power, or > engage in War, unless actually invaded, or in such imminent Danger as > will not admit of delay. Dude, that's no longer relevant, because it's old and because here in the twentieth century we capitalize differently. That's why George Washington named our nation's capital after himself rather than just capitalizing all sorts of nouns around the country. Besides, I can prove that that rule isn't being used any more: Powerball. If no two states are allowed to have a capitalized Agreement, how come a bunch of them have the Powerball lottery? Also, if states aren't allowed to be in Agreement, doesn't that mean they'd each have to support a different candidate from the 50 major political parties? I say that for the good of the nation the whole country should just be one big state. Like how the state of New York is already one big city plus a few cows, the whole country should just be suburbs of Washington, D.C. Also Canada should be officially declared "Our Wacky Neighbor" and there should be ninjas all over the place because you can never find a ninja when you want to see a ninja killing someone because you're mildly bored. -- K. POWERRRRRBALLLLLLLL! Tilt with the devil and you'll live in... The Federal Triangle! deedle deedle deedle deedle ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Attention California residents, your vote will now be thrown away for some reason! Yay! Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 21:46:06 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Mark Hill alerted me to this incredibly idiotic item: > > > > [www.mercurynews.com] > > -> > > -> SACRAMENTO -- Frustrated that presidential candidates have spent > > -> so little time in California, lawmakers on Tuesday approved > > -> legislation to change how the state awards its electoral votes > > -> for president. > > -> > > -> The bill would pledge California's 55 Electoral College votes to > > -> the winner of the national popular vote, [...] > > There seems to be some IMPORTANT INFORMATION missing there... like the > fact that this is a multistate agreement: > > From the Sacramento Bee: > => > => AB 2948 would commit California to a compact in which each > => participating state would cast all its electoral votes for > => the presidential candidate receiving the most popular votes > => nationwide. > => > => The compact would not become effective until its member > => states control a majority of the Electoral College's > => 538 votes. > > It's basically a way to do away with the Electoral College without > havingto do away with the Electoral College, if you get my drift. If > the compact went into effect, the end result would be that whoever got > the most votes nationwide would become president. > > Any clever scheme to undo that would have to come from the national > level. Congress could pass a law saying that whoever gets the least > amount of electoral votes gets to be president. YAY! WE'RE ALL > PRESIDENT! No, _I'm_ President. You can't prove otherwise! It says I'm the President, right here in this copy of the Constitution I have! And you can't prove mine is any less real than that other copy in Washington! I say the one in Washington's fake because why would the Founding Fathers choose to write their "Constitution" on 200-year-old paper? They wouldn't! They would've used brand new paper, like mine! CASE CLOSED I'M PRESIDENT NOW! > I think I will be PRESIDENT DANGER! The Daringest President Alive! > There would be national elections to send me into DANGER, where I will > fight random enemies! Sort of like Reality Diplomacy! Or Russell Crowe! Or sort of like the movie "Air Force One", or the movie "Independence Day" (which, incidentally, makes you retarded if you actually call it "ID4"), or the old TV cartoon series "Super President" which once made me almost lose at Trivial Pursuit because I didn't know about it, or Teddy Roosevelt. Or that "Star Trek" episode where Lincoln helps Kirk beat up the Klingon and Genghis Khan and Mork. That's the episode where Uhura explains that the englightened attitudes towards race relations in the 23rd century are because black people no longer get upset no matter which N-word you call them. Also, it has a rockman no crummier- looking than the one that got cut out of "Star Trek V", but not as good as the one in "Galaxy Quest", but not as gay as anything in "(T)raumschiff Surprise: Periode 1", which is the closest we'll ever get to seeing Mike Myers's aborted "Sprockets" movie. By the way, the reason the "T" in the title is crossed out (or parenthesized here) is because "Raumschiff Enterprise" ("Starship Enterprise") was the German title for "Star Trek", but "Das Traumschiff" ("The Dreamship") was the German title for "The Love Boat". I think the Germans had to do their own "Star Trek" parody not just to camp it up, but because they're not allowed to see the episode where Kirk and Spock go to the all-Nazi planet. So they had to make their own one that Americans aren't allowed to see. (It has no English subtitles.) Also because someone had to make a movie to show Mel Brooks that "Spaceballs" could have been funny if someone else made it. It's the only movie I've ever seen that had color-coded subtitles. Everything Mr. Spuck said was pink. This could've been confusing during the "Timeline"/"A Knight's Tale" parody where Rock became the Pink Knight, but fortunately I was putting too much effort into trying to understand the German subtitles to notice what color the words were. "Mopsgeschwindigkeit", indeed. (It means something like "speedyzoomfast".) Anyway, after I'm through being President, you can be PRESIDENT DANGER! but you're going to have to wait a while. Also, I'm not sure there will be anything left for you to blow up after I'm done using the country as my own personal Legoland. I'm going to go down in history as the explodiest leader ever, even worse than Mork, which means that in the 23rd century, I'll get to have a fistfight with Lincoln and Mork will just sit at home crying like a little girl! -- K. I dare you to go to any "Star Trek" convention dressed as Mr. Spuck and then hog the "Dance Dance Revolution" machine. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New ice cream flavors from Japan Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 23:05:50 -0400 Mainichi Daily News has a third gallery of killer Japanese ice cream flavors up now -- "The Wackiest World Of Japanese Ice Cream"! If you want to follow along with the pictures, the gallery is at: http://mdn.mainichi-msn.co.jp/photospecials/graph/060528icecream/index.html -> Soy Sauce Ice Cream -- Soy sauce is the undisputed flavor of -> Japan. But why it had to be put into an ice cream is anyone's -> guess. Tucking into Soy Sauce Ice Cream leaves the feeling that, -> when it comes to soy based edibles, perhaps soylent green may -> have been a tastier choice. I can imagine this wouldn't be too bad, depending on how salty it is. It'd probably basically taste like stroganoff sauce. -> Pit Viper Ice Cream -- The pit viper, or mamushi in Japanese, is -> one of the most dangerous poisonous snakes inhabiting the -> Japanese archipelago. And a bite into this reptilian flavored ice -> cream can certainly seem deadly. Drives fans into hiss-terics. -> Pit viper is regarded as an aphrodisiac in Japan, but the -> terrible taste makes it hard to fall in love with this ice cream. I don't think I've ever had snake. I did see alligator chunks at an Asian grocery once, but I've never eaten any reptiles except for a few little turtle bits in canned turtle soup (and they just tasted like extraordinarly-low-grade beef.) So I can't really imagine what this ice cream would taste like except some sort of meat ice cream. And how could meat ice cream be bad? -> Indian Curry Ice Cream -- Definitely not a taste to give others -> if you're trying to curry favor. Curry flavored ice cream goes a -> long way toward putting the bomb into Bombay. The adventurous who -> try this ice cream will be rewarded with the taste of curry -> lingering in their mouths for hours. YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES Damn, my local Japanese markets don't carry this. I may have to buy an ice-cream-maker and pour cream and curry powder into it to see what wonders I can create. Geez, now I just gave myself a craving for those curry doughnuts from the Japonaise Bakery and it's too late to get any today. In a perfect world, weird doughnuts would be available 24 hours a day! -> Pearl Ice Cream -- A real pearler and a cooler alternative, -> perhaps, to pearl jam! This ice cream is a true Pearl of the -> Orient. A flavor that's boisterous for the oysterous. Lucky -- -> or brave -- types may even find a gem in their punnet. But this -> oyster-based ice cream has the kind of taste to make some just -> wanna clam up. "Pearl Ice Cream: It's just like eating teeth!" CRUNCH, CRUNCH... -> Salad Ice Cream -- An ice cream that is one salad definitely -> needing to be tossed. This ice cream, packed with chunks of -> veggies, is the sort of food that turns kids off their greens. The picture is particularly revolting, because there's what appears to be a slice of zucchini and some red bell pepper slices on top. Those are fine as vegetables, and they interact well with cream sauces (think macaroni salad), but I'm not sure they'd be fun to eat in a frozen product -- ever tried eating vegetables right from the freezer? There's nothing more unpleasant than a broccosicle. -> Charcoal Ice Cream -- The "coalden" child of Japanese ice creams. -> A must-eat for the coal miners. Not cool, but undoubtedly -> "coaled." An ice cream that could char reputations. But the -> taste? Char-ming. Sweet Sonny Chiba! It's GRAY!!! The Japanese have invented medium gray food! I could never have predicted the Japanese would enjoy the taste of carbon ice cream. That's so incredibly wrong even by the standards of a country where every TV channel shows nothing but women dressed like little girls getting raped by space squids. -> Miso Ramen Ice Cream -- An ice cream that really gets on the -> noodle of some, but the ramen and miso are both Japanese culinary -> favorites. If only the delicacies had been left in the noodle -> bowl instead of blended with ice cream. In other words, what makes this different from the soy sauce ice cream is that this one has real noodles in it -- and a slice of two-tone fish cake on top. I don't even put fish cake in my soup, let alone in my ice cream. -> Chilli Pepper Ice Cream -- Before partaking of this fiery ice -> cream, perhaps its best to remember that it's made of the same -> stuff used in the capsicum spray turned on those in an -> uncontrollable rage. Probably one of the only ice creams in -> existence that makes the mouth burn when you taste it. YES! Finally something I've actually enjoyed! Well, actually, I haven't had the Japanese version. I've just been known to put hot sauce on boring regular ice cream to make it more fun. By the way, Pepsi is so much better if you (gently) stir a drop of hot sauce into the glass. It changes Pepsi into Super Coke. -> Cheese Risotto Ice Cream -- "Mama mia!" Italians are famous for -> raising their arms and gesturing in exasperation at the slightest -> provocation. Imagine how they'd be seeing the Japanese have -> added one of Italy's national dishes, and a savory one at that, -> to sweet ice cream. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. Somehow Japan went from being a country that wouldn't eat cheese to a country that sneaks cheese into places where it shouldn't be, such as snack foods. They even put it in curry! Please help me make Japan forget about cheese again. -> Natural Salt Ice Cream -- How sweet -- salty ice cream. A real -> salt-of-the-earth taste for some, but others feel there's little -> fine about this brine. Howard Johnson's Salt Water Taffy has the flavor of this, but its texture is different -- it's harder than the pearl ice cream. -> Grated Yam Ice Cream -- When grated, yam creates a gooey paste -> somewhat akin to clag made out of flour and water. Which kind of -> raises the question of how it ever ended up as an ice-cream -> flavor in the first place. Puh. Sweet potato ice cream's really non-threatening. I prefer the taro ice cream, which is lavender instead of orange. Neither really has much flavor to get excited about. They're just ice cream with trace amounts of tasteless potato starch. -> Cypress Tree Ice Cream -- Cypress is a favorite when making the -> barrel-like baths so adored in Japan. Though it contains -> fragments of cypress wood for flavoring, some may find the taste -> of this ice cream influenced more by the bathwater than the -> material used to make its container. Frankly, this tastes like -> ice cream on a wooden stick without the ice cream. I have no idea what a cypress tree tastes like. I'm assuming that it's some sort of tree with a fragrant sap, so maybe this is something like the flavor of that Quebecois "spruce beer" I like. So I'd try it. -> Cream Cheese Ice Cream -- It'd be wonderful to say this flavor -> creams all others. It may be true when it comes to bread spreads, -> but it sure aint the case with ice cream. A surefire bet to get -> some saying "phooey to Philly." Cream cheese is halfway between real (horrible) cheese and nice normal ice cream to start with. So this would be 1/4 of the way to being cheese, and therefore bad. -> Squid Gut Ice Cream -- Squid innards are often used as a -> condiment in Japanese cuisine, which I suppose makes it a natural -> to find its way into ice cream. Absolutely an ice cream that -> should only be partaken of by the brave, we should be fortunate -> Squid Gut ice cream is not the full squid. Why? Do you know something about squid eyes we don't know? -> Squid Ink Ice Cream -- If the idea of Squid Gut ice cream seems -> unpalatable, perhaps this Squid Ink flavor is more of a tentacled -> taste-bud tantalizer. It's the same color as the carbon ice cream. But it's closer to being an actual food flavor, given that I know people can choke down that pasta that's been dyed blackish with the stuff. It's probably better than the charcoal ice cream, which would taste like licking the inside of your chimney. -> Char Grilled Seaweed Ice Cream -- As if the thought of grilled -> seaweed is not enough, this ice cream has the added bonus of the -> seaweed having been burned to a crisp before being added. Seriously, the Japanese put seaweed (either nori or laver) in everyfuckingthing. You can't get a single type of junk food that doesn't have little green or black dots on it that taste like the bottom of the ocean. I've never understood why Japanese people like that flavor. -> Hot Spring Water Ice Cream -- Soaking in the steaming waters of a -> hot spring is almost the Japanese national pastime. Located in -> volcanic areas, Japan's hot springs are subjected to wafts of -> the pungent odor of sulfur, which, of course, closely resembles -> the fragrance of broken wind. Know the smell, know what the ice -> cream tastes like. In the United States, this would be on the market already if the "Ben" in "Ben & Jerry's" was Benny Hill and if he could think of a flavor name that rhymed with "Fart". "Ben & Jerry's Tart Fart Blast"? -> Dracula Cool Garlic Mint Ice Cream -- Called "Dracula" because of -> its supposed effectiveness against vampires due to the garlic it -> contains, the unfortunate addition of mint flavor almost seems -> enough to drain anybody's blood. A taste that seems to leave the -> mouth in a state of the undead. Definitely not to be eaten in -> daylight (and nighttimes are best avoided, too). The brand name in the picture is "Dracula The Cool", which is a very Japanese name, along the lines of "Cinder Block The Cool" and "Cranial Embolism The Cool". This might not be bad, if they didn't overdo the mint. Garlic isn't a bad ice cream flavor. After all, it works great in Jelly Belly jelly beans. -> Genmai Ice Cream (unpolished rice) -- It shouldn't be surprising -> that this ice cream has a taste that's a little, well, -> unpolished. But genmai is certainly healthy and this treat -> actually gives credence to that idea that rice is nice. Yawn. I think I can get fake ice cream made from brown rice at the natural-food store. It probably basically tastes like nothing. -> Aojiru Ice Cream -- Aojiru, literally a broth of green-leafed -> vegetables, became a household word across Japan because a TV -> advertisement for aojiru featured an old man who guzzled down a -> glass full of it and promptly proclaimed it to taste "awful." -> Enough said about the ice cream? Meh. Mugwort mochi taste awful to me and I'd imagine this mystery green stuff is probably mostly mugwort. I'll pass. -> Rice Straw Ice Cream -- Rice straw forms the tatami mats some -> call the essence of Japan. Igusa makes for great wabi and sabi, -> and a not too bad tasting ice cream flavor, either. I'm holding out for "Bendy Straw Ice Cream" or better yet, "Crazy Stray Ice Cream". -> Environmentally Friendly Miso Ice Cream -- Another miso-based -> flavor, but this soy bean paste ice cream has the added advantage -> of being environmentally friendly. Judging by the taste, it would -> have been much friendlier had it never existed. How does regular ice cream destroy the environment? It sure doesn't cause global warming! -> Hojicha Bitter Green Tea Ice Cream -- Putting the "brew" into -> bruising your taste buds is the hojicha bitter green tea ice -> cream. Hojicha is best known as a tea consumed to complement -> incredibly sweet Japanese confectionary, but typically busy -> Japanese have mixed it with ice cream to kill two birds with one -> stone. And, with a taste like this, it wouldn't be surprising if -> they killed more than the two birds, too. Eh, I've had green tea ice cream. There's one brand of green tea mochi I really like, but I've also had some green tea ice cream that's considerably too bitter. The thing about green tea in candy or ice cream or beverage form is that it can be nuclear-stong and bitter, or pleasantly mild and sweet. Japanese people like to push the flavor of everything to where it's too nasty to eat, and this is probably one of those cases. -> Persimmon Ice Cream -- In Japan, persimmons are most often eaten -> after having been hung out to dry for the autumn months. And that -> description should be enough of a hint of the flavor of this ice -> cream. Wait a minute, it's just a fruit. How can any ice cream with a fruit flavor rate being on this list with the cheese ones? Oh, I get it, it's because outside Japan nobody likes the taste of _dried_ fruit. We just eat pleasant-tasting fresh fruit like raisins. -> Pickled Plum and Shiso Ice Cream -- Shiso is a herb frequently -> found flavoring a variety of Japanese foods, especially sushi. -> Its mint-like fragrance is a present for the palate, but when -> added to ice cream makes every bite seem as though it's into a -> slab of raw fish. The dried/salted/pickled plum is another bane of Japanese snack foods. The things are super-nasty. Shiso, on the other hand, is our old favorite "beef leaves", which are a plant which contains an oil that causes skin blisters and makes your mouth go numb if you make the mistake of trying to eat the leaves. I imagine ice cream that zings your mouth would probably take a lot of the fun out of eating something with such a weird cold, gooey texture. -> Collagen Lemon Ice Cream -- Lemon flavoring may sour some to this -> treat, but others make enjoy chomping away on the crunchy, -> gristly chunks of collagen inside that make eating this ice cream -> almost like chewing on a sweet bone. Every time I hear a commercial for canned "College Inn" broth I think they're actually advertising this. I wonder if it's better or worse than cellulite ice cream? -> Tomato Ice Cream -- Rotten tomatoes go to this ice cream's -> taste. Imbibing in this WMD (weapon of mouth destruction) is like -> letting a spoonful of freezing ketchup melt in your mouth. Oh, come on. Tomatoes are yummy fruits, and we mix 'em with dairy products all the time (tomato soup) or sugar (ketchup) and everybody loves them. We even used to have that tomato-flavored bubble gum. How could this be comparable to the stuff with the pound of soot in every tub? -> Deep Water Gelatto -- An ice cream containing water taken from -> deep beneath the earth's crust, and a taste that suggests it may -> have been better off remaining there. Not true, this is actually -> one of the more palatable members of this collection. Yes, but what _flavor_ is it? Or is this a case where I should be asking, "What flavor isn't it?" -> Herbal Remedy Ice Cream -- Yakuzen is the name given to the -> various herbs and plants used in traditional Oriental medicine, -> as well as to this ice cream. Mind you, the same practice also -> employs such exotics as rhinoceros toenail clippings and tiger -> tails, neither of which have made their way into an ice cream, -> which would probably have been a better fate for this flora, too. Again, this is probably basically mugwort (moxa). The important thing about mugwort is that when you burn it, it smells exactly like pot, although it contains only 1/6 as much THC as real pot so the trade-off is that although it's legal and really cheap, you'd need to roll a really big doobie to get high, and then everyone would think you were Cheech or Chong. The question is why anyone would want their hallucinogenic drugs diluted with ice cream. -> Potato Ice Cream -- The Spud Missile of Japanese ice creams. I still don't get why potatoes, yams, and taro are considered gross. They're just things that have no flavor whatsoever. Adding them to your ice cream would make it _less_ threatening. -> Cheese Ice Cream -- An ice cream every bit as cheesy as the -> captions to these photos. As a dairy product, it's a much -> tastier mix than some of the other members of the "Wackiest World -> of Japanese Ice Cream." NO IT ISN'T! I'd rather eat rhinoceros toenail fungus ice cream than cheese. Cheese is evil and should be destroyed. -> Finland Ice Cream -Ð An ice cream to get your teeth into, -> especially as it contains xylitol, a substance said to be -> beneficial for oral hygiene. Recommended by dentists, probably -> because, like the makers of this ice cream, they're used to -> putting awful tastes in people's mouths. But why "Finland"? Is it just because that country's up near the Arctic Circle where everything is covered with a thick layer of naturally-occurring non-dairy ice cream? That's all the flavors they listed in "The Wackiest World Of Japanese Ice Cream". I'd just like to mention everyone's favorite from previous installements: -> Raw Horseflesh Ice Cream (Basashi Aisu): We're not horsing -> around with this one. There mere thought of putting raw -> horseflesh into ice cream may be enough to produce plenty of -> neigh ... er, naysayers. And, rightfully so. You can get it -> straight from the horse's mouth, this would have to vie for the -> vilest ice cream ever created. The chunks of meat inside it offer -> ample proof of why horseflesh is usually used in dog food. Not -> wanting to be a nag, this flavor needs a definite gee-up. The -> only saving grace is perhaps that tonight's dessert could well -> have been last week's odds-on favorite. I can't imagine this would taste anything less than incredibly horrible. But I'd try it. I'd have to. -- K. What, no dorodango ice cream? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New ice cream flavors from Japan Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 16:48:59 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Damn, my local Japanese markets don't carry this. I may have to buy > > an ice-cream-maker and pour cream and curry powder into it to see > > what wonders I can create. > > What? Wait. What? You LIKE ice cream? And you LIKE strange > flavors? And you DON'T own an ice cream maker? > > Man, what is WRONG with you? Don't answer that. You can't stop me, you pervert. > Get yourself a good electric one (the crank-it-yourself kind is > recommended only if you live in rural Tunisia, or if you are really > really really good at rememering to do something every three to five > minutes for half an hour without forgetting) and a copy of the Ben and > Jerry Cookbook (not that they have anything weirder than Beer Sorbet > in there, but it'll give you a good starting point for > experimentation, and their hot fudge sauce recipe rools; just don't > bother with that one chocolate ice cream base recipe that involves > stirring cocoa powder into melted chocolate because it DOES NOT WORK) > and a bag of curry powder from Penzey's, and then just TRY and come > back here and say I did not give you good advice. Dude, "curry powder from Penzey's" isn't good advice. "Hey, there's the guy who gets his curry powder from... WISCONSIN! Git th' rope!" Wassamatta, your supermarket was out of both the La Choy and Boston Market brands? -- K. My kitchen currently contains far more types of curry powder and curry paste than Penzey's has ever sold, and not one of them came from Wisconsin. If Dave Foley ever visits my apartment, he'll cry and cry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New ice cream flavors from Japan Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 01:54:30 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Indian Curry Ice Cream > > > > YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES > > > > Damn, my local Japanese markets don't carry this. I may have to buy > > an ice-cream-maker and pour cream and curry powder into it to see > > what wonders I can create. > > Umm, I think you need actual water and maybe ordinary milk too... Plz read > instructions (and possibly mock them) before attempting to inflate the ice > cream, Kibo! I was only able to find one curry ice cream recipe on-line so far: [www.cheftalk.com, recipe posted by "Mezzaluna"] => => I dare you to try this one! It's the recipe I concocted for the => Hagen-Dasz "Dream Ice Cream" flavor contest on Food TV. I didn't => win, but I did make it and it was good -- I thought. => => Coconut Mango Curry Ice Cream -- a Mezzaluna original recipe => => 1.5 cups milk (fat content of your choice) => 1 cup light coconut milk => 1 cup sugar => 1 teaspoon curry powder (I used Penzey's) => Dash of salt => 2 eggs => 1 cup mango cut in small dice => 3/4 cup shredded sweetened coconut => => Toast the curry powder briefly in a hot skillet. Cool and combine => with the milk, coconut milk, coconut, sugar and salt in a 3 quart => saucepan. => => Beat eggs and stir into the pan. Simmer until thick. Strain into => a bowl. => => Pour the mixture into ice cream maker (I use a Donvier hand-crank => maker). When the mixture is done churning, stir in the mango => pieces. Cover tightly and freeze until firm. Allow to cure in the => freezer for a day or more before serving. I think I'd probably first try it without the solids (coconut shreds, mango cubes) and with more curry powder. Basically I'd prefer something approximating a yellow curry sauce for meat (with a strong curry flavor) rather than the sort of candied-fruit flavor people use in curried desserts. If I ever do this, my first attempt will probably be just a standard ice cream recipe (milk, cream, sugar, water) plus curry powder. Habanero pepper, wasabi, and black pepper are also ice cream flavors I'd like to try to play with. I saw black pepper ice cream mentioned on the Web and since black pepper Jelly Belly beans are the best ones, well, it's gotta make good ice cream. I doubt wasabi would be good in ice cream, but it's on the I-want-to-try-it list, although I'd want to use fresh wasabi, and I live on the wrong coast to be able to get any. A combination I'd really like to try in ice cream: White chocolate, raspberry extract, and green tea. (Note: raspberry _extract_, not syrup or juice or berries.) Those are three flavors that harmonize perfectly with each other with a lot of leeway for the proportions. And let's not forget bacon ice cream. Dammit, does anyone have an old ice cream machine they don't want? I really want to try some experiments. > > Geez, now I just gave myself a craving for those curry doughnuts > > from the Japonaise Bakery and it's too late to get any today. > > In a perfect world, weird doughnuts would be available 24 hours a day! > > MMMMMmmm, meat donuts. Karisapi Karima! Next time you're in town, let me know and I'll drag you to where you can get some of those curry doughnuts. The tiny amount of ground beef makes them super-special and holy cow are the things beautiful looking, with their perfect symmetry but completely irregular fractal surface texture. They look like something Ernst Haeckel would draw if he liked food instead of sea urchins. > [...] > > On the other hand, what about Campbell's Vegetable Soop ice cream? > Pre-softened veggies to cancel out the freezing hardening, and > vice versa? NOW WITH EXTRA MSG! > > ALPHABET ICE SOUP CREAM I like that idea. You'd have to boil the noodles first to make sure they're soft enough, and then there might be some issues with them (EAT THIS, KONTEXT-AWAY!) making wet spots in your ice cream. You know what always bugs me about alphabet noodles? I like 'em (they add a nice Dadaist touch to any soup, stew, or casserole) but I wish they made 'em bigger. If you could get ones that would cook up to a size bigger than 24pt -- say 48pt -- that would be great, because the tiny ones just don't stay chewy. I like large, chewy pasta like shells and ziti, not the wimpy stuff like angel hair that has no texture to it. And you can't make the tiny letters come out al dente. > > -> Chilli Pepper Ice Cream > > > > I haven't had the Japanese version. I've just been known to > > put hot sauce on boring regular ice cream to make it more fun. > > your kink is: OK, plus it makes for interesting reading I think ice cream with habanero bits in it would be lots of fun. You'd use a tiny amount of puree to make the ice cream hot, and then mix in little chunks of the outside of the habanero (the colorful parts which aren't spicy) for flavor. One of the great things about habaneros is that I've always found that their flavor co-operates with cream sauces in ways that other peppers might not, so I envision them as the perfect pepper to try in ice cream. > > Somehow Japan went from being a country that wouldn't eat cheese > > to a country that sneaks cheese into places where it shouldn't be, > > such as snack foods. They even put it in curry! Please help me > > make Japan forget about cheese again. > > You, er, do know that ice cream, when made out of non-totally-artificial > stuffs, is made using a first cousin of CHEESE ... right? Just checking. It's not fermented/cured/aged/pickled. Whole 'nother ball of yellow wax. There is a vast divide between dairy products which are still dairy products and dairy products which are intentionally rancidified ex-dairy now-enzymulated denatured plasticized stanky goop. Yogurt I seem to be able to eat, though I'm not sure why. -- K. Every review people have written of every ice cream maker listed on Amazon.com: WAAH WAAH WAAH IT ONLY MAKES SOFT ICE CREAM BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE TO PUT IT IN THE FREEZER AFTER YOU'RE DONE CHURNING IT! ALSO I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY IT'S AS LOUD AS A ROCK TUMBLER WHEN IT'S THE SAME THING BUT WITH A MUCH BIGGER MOTOR! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New ice cream flavors from Japan Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 02:29:06 -0400 I just wrote: > > And let's not forget bacon ice cream. The delicious ideas I did forget: sweet corn ice cream (a very Japanese flavor) spruce ice cream (seems easy enough, as spruce oil exists) lime ice cream (not sherbet -- ice cream plus lime oil and/or lime zest) water chestnut ice cream (a very Chinese flavor) beer ice cream (this just came to me -- I don't know whether it's possible) Dr Pepper ice cream (ditto; I suppose if you let the Dr Pepper go completely flat you could just substitute it for the water, but would it curdle the milk?) no durian ice cream (you know, like plain ice cream, but with even fewer durians) onion dip ice cream (dried onion powder, and if possible, substitute sour cream for some of the regular cream) pumpernickel ice cream (I'm sure it's possible, somehow) cucumber-dill ice cream (always one of my favorite combinations of green things, but only if it's fresh dill -- dried dill sucks) shiitake-walnut-caramel ice cream (I've always thought that chopped shiitake mushrooms and walnuts cooked together in a caramel syrup would be a great dessert -- haven't actually attempted it yet -- but don't you think it would work just as well in ice cream? I saw a reference to "mushroom pecan ice cream" on the Web, I think chewy shiitakes and nice soft cooked walnuts would be the best choices.) Some of those are ones I thunk up, others are ones I've seen mentioned on the Web. I even found a couple recipes for bacon ice cream, but the thing is, most ice cream flavors you really don't need someone to write you a recipe for -- you just make plain ice cream and mix in some extra stuff. Now some ideas that _should_ be forgotten: Moxie ice cream Irwin Mainway's "Bag O' Glass" ice cream flaming magnesium ice cream amoebic dysentery ice cream plaster and instant mashed potato ice cream (just like the stuff they show in commercials) natto ice cream Spaghetti-O ice cream aloe ice cream William Shatner's hair ice cream -- K. The last two are available at Trader Joe's. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Centillion Years Pop Quiz Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 16:31:14 -0400 In alt.religion.kibology, jonwiley85@yahoo.com wrote: > > jonwiley85@yahoo.com wrote: > > > > What is the every year of the Centillion Years? > > > > A. 303 > > B. 600 > > C. 909 > > D. 999 > > E. None of the Above > > The Answer is 303. Jon, you shouldn't let that crazy guy troll you like that. Don't fall for his stupid tricks, you're not half as dumb as he is. Everyone knows the answer is "E. None of the Above", because the correct factor is "6X". Everybody likes "6X". Do you enjoy "6X"? Does your family enjoy "6X" with you? Have you ever demonstrated "6X" to all the scientists at NASA? -- K. You might want to go in for a checkup, your brain's leaking hydraulic fluid on the floor. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Centillion Years Pop Quiz Date: Fri, 02 Jun 2006 01:27:23 -0400 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > jonwiley85@yahoo.com wrote: > > > > What is the every year of the Centillion Years? > > > > A. 303 > > B. 600 > > C. 909 > > D. 999 > > E. None of the Above > > > 909 is a new number. 909 is not a number! It's the result of the power company and the phone company merging in upstate New York. Nynonyne. As opposed to anine, which is simply a Web site with a search tool that gets worse every time you pretend to use it just to get the square-root-of-negative-pi discount at Amazon.com. They used to provide the same search results as Google, except with your choice of four slightly different invisible pastel colors for the background, but now they answer every question by holding you down and screaming "MICROSOFT MICROSOFT MICROSOFT" into your ear until blood comes out the other year but if the blood drips on the floor you'll never find it, at least not with anine. That site is completely anine. -- K. So which would be bigger, a trillion centillion years or a centrillion years? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hasselhoff, the face of Australia's cola-lovin' generation Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 17:38:05 -0400 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > [...] > > If it's any help, I saw David Hasselhoff in our local Ikea this week. > He wasn't drinking a Coke. Anyway, I went up to him and said "you > wanker". He said "I'm sorry?" so I punched him in the nose. Oh, he > pretended not to know what I was talking about ... but he knew. He > knew, alright. > > And don't pretend you wouldn't have done the same. I would've first made sure he came to the Ikea by public transit, 'cause I wouldn't want to get beat up by his gay car. So was he eating those awful Swedish-style meat-flavored balls? The one meal I've had in an Ikea was incredibly disappointing, even as theme-park food in faux-Swedish fŸrn•tŸre st¿res goes. Plus the chef never once threw the terrible little meatballs at the ceiling while yelling "B¯RK B¯RK B¯RK", so the Ikea wasn't even as realistic as "The Muppet Show"! Also they didn't have HŠagen-Dazs or Swedish Fish, and they didn't even give me the Stockholm Syndrome. And instead of David Hasselhoff they had Marjoe Gortner. But other than that it was just like going to a really crappy theme park where the whirling teacups cost $500 and were still two-dimensional until you took them home and punched them out of their sawdust-and-collagen matrix. Definitely not as exciting as the Bata Shoe Museum or that place in Philadelphia that has the world's largest human colon. What was the name of that place again? Oh, yeah, the David Hasselhoff Museum. -- K. Worst episode of "Fantasy" ever. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Leatherman saves the day... Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 23:00:14 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@gmail.com) wrote: > > Otto Bahn (oTTopantyhoseBahn@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > > > News sources are reporting that a Leatherman was instrumental > > > in helping several Dallas Zoo visitors escape the path of a > > > rampaging gorilla earlier this month. > > > > Kibo saves! > > Moses invests! > > Buddha pays dividends! Kibo wraps Moses! Kibo cuts Buddha! Kibo crushes Otto! I keep thinking more kids would play "Rock, Scissors, Paper" if Milton Bradley sold a box with a rock in it and a pair of scissors in it and a page of instructions you could use for the paper. They could make a fortune selling refills! Kids would have to buy a new rock every time the old one got wrapped! -- K. Gorillas don't rampage. They are gentle creatures who only eat people who deserve to be eaten for looking at zoo animals the wrong way. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Cars Are Watching! Date: Fri, 02 Jun 2006 01:08:32 -0400 A Wall Street Journal article from a couple months ago. I know it's old, but what the hey, better late than on time but in crayon. [articles.news.aol.com] -> -> Why Cars Got Angry -> -> Seeing Demonic Grins, Glaring Eyes? Auto Makers Add Edge to Car -> 'Faces'; Say Goodbye to the Wide-Eyed Neon -> -> By Jonathan Welsh, The Wall Street Journal -> -> Kirk Perry wanted a vehicle that would haul his family and tow a -> bass boat. He discovered an SUV with all that plus another -> feature he likes -- a really mean expression. "Kirk Perry" is a ridiculous name. Like "Captain Shazbot Shatner" or "Spockibo". I heard that the Nomad probe self-destructed because it could not accept that Kirk Perry's name wasn't an acronym for "Knowledge Is Really Kool". -> "I like the wide, snarling look," the 50-year-old small-business -> owner in Lake Owassa, N.J., says of the Audi Q7, which he plans -> to buy when it comes out this spring. "It reminds me of the movie -> 'The Mummy' -- when the monster comes out of the ground and -> starts swallowing everything." "WOW THIS CAR REMINDS ME OF AN IDIOTIC MOVIE REMAKE FOR THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLDS, I BETTER BUY IT!!!" -> Car makers have long talked about the "face" of a car -- -> headlights for eyes, grille for a mouth and the bumper as jaws -- -- ever since the Edsel was designed to mimic the look of Henry Ford's hideously deformed nephew, who spent all his time eating vertical bananas. -> and auto designers say the difference between a hit and a flop -> may come down to a vehicle's visage. Car makers used to strive -> for an inviting face, but lately they're pushing an edgier look: -> Car faces that look meaner, angrier and, at times, even downright -> evil. That's fine for New York City, but I think Boston drivers would prefer a car that looks recklessly stupid and has an expression that conveys that its brain will seize up every time it comes to the exact center of an intersection. Seriously, is there something in the water supply here which causes what I call Weekend Intersection Narcolepsy? WIN is a trademark of the Boston area. You pull the car halfway into the intersection, then you take a little brain nap for a few minutes when you realize that you don't know where you're going but you didn't have to think about that until you were far enough into the intersection to block all lanes in all directions. Anyone who drives through Boston on a weekend is at risk of suddenly taking a WIN, leading to a fatal WIN doze crash. -> For its new 3-Series sedan, BMW gave the headlights a slanted -> effect, like downturned eyebrows. Some concept cars are more -> extreme, with Hyundai's HCD9 Talus featuring a gaping grille and -> headlights divided by a horizontal, goat's-eye-style slit. The Hyundai Revelation will have a whole bunch of those. "Driving is a rapture!" -> The Dodge Charger, which came out last summer, has headlight pods -> shaped like a tiger's eyes. "The Charger's eyes are definitely -> its greatest assets. The headlights seem to make eye contact the -> same way people do on the street," says Dodge and Chrysler -> designer Ralph Gilles. "A mean face is what we're going for." Why -> all the anger? Menacing front ends may appeal to drivers -> threatened by oversized SUVs and intimidated by the dangers of -> the highway, some designers say. Or maybe the fact that the people who overpay the most for cars -- and therefore the ones who are the target of the car companies -- are the ones with the greatest need for their car to say "LOOK MY CAR IS EVEN BIGGER THAN MY GIGANTINY PENIS! I MEANT GIGANTIC! NOT TINY! MY TINY PENIS IS GIGANTIC!" -> [...] "An aggressively styled car says, 'Get out of my way.' " "Yay, now that I have a car with slightly different headlights I no longer have to try to miss the pedestrians I'm zooming towards!" -> All of this represents a big mood swing from the designs of -> recent decades. When Dodge introduced its 1995 Neon compact, its -> ad campaign featured the car's face -- round headlights like -> wide, friendly eyes -- and the slogan "Hi." This spring Dodge is -> releasing the Neon's replacement, the Caliber, which has big, -> square headlight pods and a grille that resembles a gun-sight's -> cross hairs. The Caliber's slogan: "It's Anything But Cute." Eventually they'll realize that the perfect car would be one which is both macho and sissy at the same time. Probably exactly like a Trans Am with voice of William Daniels. -> [...] Even Volkswagen's iconic Beetle, with its rounded -> headlight-eyes and a hood that forms a smile, saw sales fall last -> year to 36,000 units, from 42,000 in 2004. Well, then, they'll just have to re-issue a version with the original swastikas. -> In general, buyers place great emphasis on the front of a car. -> About 70% of drivers identify and judge vehicles by the -> headlights and grille, ...because stupid Ralph Nader won't let us have tail fins any more. Thanks a lot, safety jerk. -> and 88% of men and 64% of women say they prefer cars with -> distinctive front ends, up from 73% and 42% in 1985, says -> CNW Marketing Research of Bandon, Ore. I want to meet these people who shouted "YES INDEED I PREFER CARS WITH INDISTINCT FRONT ENDS!" while buying boxes of "Food" to take home to their windowless, doorless cube and wearing unisex clothing. Come to think of it, even the people who lived like that in "THX-1138" had those super-cool race cars covered in hoses and strobe lights. I guess the people who want their cars to look exactly like all other cars probably just masturbate to "Sleeper" after fast-forwarding through all the funny parts. -> Seeing Faces -> -> There's nothing accidental about seeing faces in car grilles. In -> fact, carmakers say they're tapping into a hard-wired human -> trait. Ha ha, the Wall Street Journal's logic has finally proved that I'm not human. Now you puny humans will bow down before me! And then bow up! And then bow sideways! -> Babies can discern the features of a face practically from -> birth, developmental psychologists say, and recognize faces even -> in inanimate objects arranged in the pattern of eyes and mouth. I think they're leading up to warning us that next year's cars will look like a colon, a hyphen, a right parenthesis, and a highly overpriced plastic clip to hold your MySpace phone. It's the Emoticar! For the low price of only 11111111!!!!!!!!!!!111 -> [...] -> -> Cars and Dogs -> -> Not all carmakers are in touch with anger. The Mini Cooper, made -> by BMW, has doelike headlights and sold 41,000 last year, up 13% -> from the year before. ...and up INFINITY percent since 1066! -> Honda is also sticking mostly with friendly appearances: -> The company ran a TV ad campaign over the past two years -> that cut between human faces and Honda front ends to show -> similarities between them. The spots were based on the concept -> that cars, like dogs, may resemble their owners and be seen a -> friendly companion, says Honda advertising head Tom Peyton. -> "There are a lot of cars now that look like they are growling at -> you," he says. "But we like to think Hondas are smiling." If people like dogs so much, why don't they just make cars that look like dogs? The pink ones could be poodles, and just think how much fun it would be to attempt to keep a Jack Russell parked! -> [...] -> -> The Swedish look struck the right balance for Lev Berkovich. The -> Los Angeles computer-services project manager says he noticed the -> "shoulders" of his Volvo XC90 sport-utility vehicle, but mostly -> he focused on the front end. "Its face is strong but reserved. It -> reminds me of the actor Charles Bronson -- a tough guy who will -> protect you," he says. Even Mr. Bronson's mustache is there, in -> "a combination of black plastic and rubber on the front bumper." Volvo: The car for closeted gay men with bad taste. Sheesh. If they really want to make a car that looks like a handsome man, why don't they hire the same designers who drew John Redcorn? -> Angry looks may not be here to stay, of course. Auto styling -> trends are cyclical, and the edgiest designs have a history of -> retreating. The weapon-like tailfins of the 1950s gave way to -> milder 1960s styling, As mentioned above, this wasn't due to any sort of progression of taste, it was because of Ralph Nader and Congress and a bunch of lawyers who got all wound up over some people getting tail fins all the way through their abdomens. Sheesh, when even I know more about automotive history than the article's writer, that's a sign the editor was drunk that week. -> while the bulging and ornamented cars of the late 1970s -> died out as slab-sided Chrysler K-Cars and their look-alike -> rivals took over in the following decade. But what about Japanese Spider-Man's Spider Machine GP-7? And while we're on the subject of weird cars from Japan, how about the Hierarchymobile from Kinju Fukusaku's "The Green Slime"? Someone in Japan was thinking, "Well, they might have an Olympics on that space station, and the people who win the gold, silver, and bronze will have to go up to that weird-shaped podium, but this is the future so they should already all be at the different heights while they're driving across the rollerball rink towards it." Anyway, I think if they made a car that looks like the Spider Machine GP-7, it would make the most people get out of your way, especially once you docked it with Leopardon and transformed them into Marvelo. -> The latest version of Mazda's Miata sports car shows just how -> much the market has changed. The original, which rolled out in -> 1989, was a big hit in part because of its friendly looks. The -> ends of its grille turned upward in an obvious grin, and its -> pop-up headlights made it look like a winking cartoon character. That reminds me, did everyone here buy a copy of "Putt-Putt And Pep's Birthday Surprise"? If not, you missed out on a valuable opportunity to learn how to secretly measure dog necks. -> Though a big seller, the Miata was seen by many buyers as a -> "chick car," says Ken Seward, Mazda's lead designer. In 1999's -> version, the smile morphed into more of a smirk. The newest -> version features headlights with a more extreme slant. "The -> original Miata had a happy smile," says Mr. Seward. "The new one -> has more of a sly grin." But does it still have that glove compartment that's big enough to contain a live puppy with an unknown neck size? Also, where did they get that special yellow Miata for the movie "Corky Romano"? You know, the one that looked like it wanted to shoot itself to escape the terminal unfunniness? -> 'Bite Your Head Off' -> -> Toyota, known for some of the most sedate-looking cars on the -> market, is also going mean. Toyota has restyled its -> family-friendly Camry over the past few years to make it more -> aggressive, and the 2007 model due out later this year has -> headlights that sweep further back into the fenders, like a leer, -> and a hood that flows into a hawklike grill. The maker also -> reworked the front of its new Rav4 SUV to give it a more -> pronounced grille and downturned headlights it thought would -> appeal to male buyers. (Men previously accounted for only 25% of -> Rav4 sales.) Well, duh. That's 'cause "Toyota" isn't spelled H-A-R-L-E-Y, H-U-M-V-E-E, or T-I-E-F-I-G-H-T-E-R. -> Even one of the car world's aging stars has undergone a face -> lift. In reconceiving the Ford Mustang, a model that dates to the -> muscle cars of the 1960s, designer J Mays says he didn't spend -> much time with focus groups. "I pretty well knew what we were -> going to do," he says. Still, he showed photos of his concept car -> to members of Oklahoma City's Dead Horse Mustang Club. When they -> told him it "wasn't beefy enough," he widened the front end -> slightly, then enlarged and squared off the air inlets to affect -> more of a snarl. The top edges of the round headlights were cut -> off slightly, for "a sinister eyelid," he says. "Frankly, it -> looks like it will bite your head off." It's the 2007 Ford Vaginadentata! -- K. Dear car makers, If you don't want your cars to look like blobs of suck, HIRE ME SO YOU CAN STOP CRYING INTO YOUR LITE BEER, YOU ROUNDED- CAR-DESIGNIN' COMFILON-WEARIN' TWEEDLE-TWERPS. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Cars Are Watching! Date: Fri, 02 Jun 2006 01:53:47 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That reminds me, did everyone here buy a copy of > > "Putt-Putt And Pep's Birthday Surprise"? If not, you missed > > out on a valuable opportunity to learn how to secretly measure > > dog necks. > > I couldn't find it or the Pyjama Sam game "life's rough when you > lose your stuff". That's because your bedroom is so messy. You should always be neat and tidy, like me. It should be spotless like my apartment (poor Spot!), and not look like an entire biker gang lives there. Also you should have bright blue hair, not completely normal hair like mine. Finally, you should walk around in feety pajamas, not in the official solid gold ninja uniform of the President Of The United States like me. Did they actually retitle the game "Pyjama Sam" for those countries that haven't invented the word "Pajama" yet? It would ruin the educational value of the game if it taught kids to spell "Pajama" wrong! "Y" IS NOT AND NEVER SHALL BE A VOWEL! Hmm, a Web search tells me that the other games in the series were released in French and German with the "y". I don't know whether "Life's Rough When You Lose Your Stuff" got released overseas, 'cause after all, it's a game about hygiene, and nobody wants Americans to teach the world good hygiene. [www.atari.com] -> -> Sam a choisi "Pyjama" comme surnom ˆ cause de son super-hŽros -> de bandes dessinŽes, Pyjama Man. -> -> [...] -> -> Il aime aussi beaucoup le fromage. Ewwwwwwwwwwwww. They ruined Pajama Sam! -> En ce qui concerne son look, Sam a essayŽ tous les meilleurs -> produits coiffants, mais ni gel , ni mousse, ni spray ne -> parviennent ˆ faire tenir ses cheveux en place ! Well, duh. Sam gave up on hair products after he decided he liked the moldy blue look. Now he's got natural blue hippie hair, free of chemicals and gelato. Everyone knows Putt-Putt is the one who uses Turtle Wax, made from one of Freddi Fish's friends who couldn't solve a logic puzzle. -- K. I heard Japan made a live-action "Pajama Sam" show where he fought giant space squids and could fly and was named Honko McWackenburl and was 90 years old and a Yakuza with an infinite number of fingers so he could chop another one off in every episode. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Rugby players are sissys! Date: Fri, 02 Jun 2006 02:11:33 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I wouldn't want to be hit by my friend's handbag, it weighs a few pounds > at least and she often carries an 'emergency beer' in there also. I heard that Australian beer cans are so big because you people don't know how to get drunk fast enough. > [www.smh.com.au] > -> > -> NZ rugby player hit with handbag, cries Okay, next question. I know that an Australian rugby player is called a "footy", but I'm told that an Australian biker is a "bikie". What's with the "y"-vs-"ie" discrepancie, you Aussy bozie? Also, "biker" is a manly word: "BIKERRRRRRRRRR" sounds like an engine noise made by a pirate on a motorcycle on a ship with a V-twin engine built by even tougher pirates. "BIKIEEEEEEEEE" sounds like something that'd get yelled during that movie where Sammo Hung wears pantyhose. ("Pantyhose Hero" is one of those movies designed specifically to appeal to anyone who wanted to know if there was a way to make Sammo Hung even less sexy. "Look out! It's a fat guy with bad skin and a Moe Howard haircut with a skunk stripe, but this time he's wearing pantyhose! BIKIEEEEEEEEEEEE!") > -> An investigation has been launched into allegations Hurricanes player > -> Chris Masoe punched a patron in the face at a Christchurch bar before > -> being hit on the head with a woman's handbag by teammate Tana Umaga. > -> > -> A 24-year-old Christchurch man, who did not want to be named, told The > -> Press newspaper he was in the Jolly Poacher pub around 7am Sunday when > -> the incident occurred. I heard the Jolly Poacher is a square candy that tastes like eggs. > -> He said Masoe, who had been drinking and playing pool with Umaga and at > -> least one other Hurricanes player, tripped over his feet while he was > -> sitting at the bar. > -> > -> Masoe then turned and allegedly punched him in the jaw. > -> > -> "He just hit me in the side of the jaw. I was real shocked. I thought > -> 'what the hell'. It just came out of nowhere," the man said. > -> > -> "...Then Umaga hit him a couple of times with the handbag as if to say > -> 'you idiot'. Masoe started crying. It was crazy." Head injuries will do that. I randomly cried once while I was recovering from a concussion, but fortunately I'm okay now. Head injuries will do that. I randomly cried once while I was recovering from a concussion, but fortunately I'm okay now. > -> [...] > -> > -> The Hurricanes lost the final 12-19 to the Crusaders on Saturday night. As if Australia ever participated in a Crusade. You'll never be as good as Americans until you do. -- K. Next week Bush is going to bomb the Vatican because our intelligence reveals the Pope might be selling weapons of mass destruction to his close personal friend Adolf Hitler. Head injuries will do that. I randomly cried once while I was recovering from a concussion, but fortunately I'm okay now. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: ROUND CLOCKS ARE GAY and other cubic news Date: Fri, 02 Jun 2006 02:41:16 -0400 Hey! Remember the "Time Cube" guy? The one who thought the doctrine that there was only one sunrise and one sunset per day was going to turn your children homosexual? This week, Gizmodo had a link to a new product from Hong Kong. It is The Time Cube! Order your Time Cube today: http://watch.brando.com.hk/prod_detail.php?prod_id=00020&dept_id=001&cat_id=007 product image mirrored at: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_06_time_cube_clock.jpg The pointy parts twist around, because everyone wants constantly-rotating sharp objects on their desk at all times. Also, it has "Originality Design". I'm not sure, but I think I saw eight of them in the movie "Demon Seed" strangling Gerrit Graham. You can still find the nutty "Time Cube" guy's Web site at http://www.timecube.com ...but you would already know that if you weren't an EDUCATED STUPID GAY. You can only get the truth from Web sites that have 500-foot-tall pages in 36-point underlined boldface italic in at least 9000 colors per sentence. I'll save you the trouble of reading the giant pile of wackoness. The highlights: -> Educators fear me, they cower and run. -> 6 sides constitutes a sextet -- not a Cube. -> Teaching that a Cube has '6 sides' with -> no top & bottom, induces an evil curse -> that pervades all academic institutions. -> Are you content as a singularity queer? -> I offer evil ass Harvard students $10,000.00 -> to disprove Nature's Cubic Creation Principle. -> You maybe academically retarded. -> Cubelessness is a human evil,Ênegating human right to live. -> 3 EQUATOR 4 CORNER EARTH TIME ROTATES 96 HOURS AS A SIMULTANEOUS 4 DAY CUBE. -> GOD IS CORNERED AS A QUEER. -> Old Hold For New Construction. -- K. I say the Earth is actually a giant Hello Kitty face, and the only way to disprove that would be to show me a photo of the Earth's mouth.