From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: FYI Date: Sun, 28 May 2006 23:09:53 -0400 "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > I hate the entire world and everything in it. Dear Rod Serling, Thank you for submitting your script for season 60 of "The Twilight Zone", to be retitled "The You Suck Zone". However, we feel the following section of the script is too bitter: (FADE IN.) (OPENING TITLES.) FIRST GUY Hey, this vanilla pudding tastes like-- ROD SERLING You suck! (MUSIC STING.) SECOND GUY What happens if I walk past the-- ROD SERLING You suck! (MUSIC STING.) THIRD GUY Hello, my name is Itzhak Ookbook, and I just found this book which I am only now going to open-- (HE OPENS IT AND INSIDE IS A TALKING PICTURE OF ROD SERLING.) ROD SERLING You suck! (CLOSING CREDITS.) (FADE OUT.) Mr. Serling, we suggest you learn to appreciate that the world is a warm and wonderful place all the time, a boundless panoply of limitless niceness and eternal satisfaction. Also, game shows are hot right now, so can you change this to a game show? Have the revised script for "Nobody Sucks: The Game Show (The Series)" on my desk in the morning and then we can talk about "Nobody Sucks: The Game Show (The Movie)" and its prequels. Sincerely, Itzhak Ookbook. (MUSIC STING.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: FYI Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 22:23:54 -0400 Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] SWISH! Fabulously fashionable new Kontext-Away With Pastel Color Story flounces flamboyantly, twirling its sequined cape around its flaming magnesium G-string! > P.S. I'm not gay. TWEEEEEE! Kontext-Away yells "I'D BUY DAT FOR A DOLLA!" and then gets hit in the crotch with a lavender-flavored cream pie! BOI-OI-OINGGGGG! It's an extra sound effect for extra boinginess! -- K. Haw haw, I bet you even know what the word "duvet" means. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: ghost pigeons Date: Mon, 29 May 2006 02:40:11 -0400 Hey, Fark.com found this update to our old favorite before I did. That's inexcusable. But anyway, here's the latest on just how real killer ghosts in India are: [timesofindia.indiatimes.com] -> -> Cops put to rest 'ghostly' pigeon in WB village But what about those deadly 'whammies' over on GSN? NO WHAMMIES, NO WHAMMIES, STOP!!! -> SURI: The "ghost" of Suri has been put to rest. After scaring -> people in several villages in Suri, the Birbhum district -> headquarters, the police managed to catch hold of the "ghost" a -> pigeon with a plastic skull hanging from its neck and red bulbs -> around the eye-sockets. Also the pigeon had a tattoo that said "Biker Chick". -> In the last one month, five people were reportedly attacked by -> the "ghost", leaving scratch marks. -> -> Police officers said the bird was probably being used to create -> panic but there are no answers as to why anyone would do so. ...especially given that, in India, it's way too easy. -> "This shows how birds and animals can be used for creating panic. -> But we don't know who did this and why," DSP Amitabha Maity said. -> The bird was caught from Kaita village after locals informed the -> police. -> -> "A battery powered miniature circuit was used for lighting the -> bulbs. The glowing red light and the skull seen during the night -> created panic," said Maity. "OH NO! AN LED! RUN!" Then someone showed up playing "Magic Square" on a 1978 Merlin and the entire city's economy collapsed. Heaven help these people if any astronaut on the International Space Station shines his a laser pointer at India. -> The "ghost" was first seen a month ago by a man in Kalipur -> village, who had scratches all over his face after being -> attacked. He was admitted to the Suri hospital. Some days later, -> a boy in a Dubrajpur village was attacked in a similar manner. -> Three more people were similarly attacked. I hope this isn't going to turn into that lame "Dick Van Dyke Show" episode where his son gets attacked by the giant offscreen woodpecker. I much prefer the one about the killer walnuts. Walnuts are scary! -> With irate locals blocking roads after the police's apparent -> failure to nab the "ghost", night patrols had been increased. -> Several people had described the "ghost" as a man and at times -> as a monkey. "IT'S A VENN DIAGRAM! RUN!" -> A special team was formed and the police also got in touch with -> the forest department. They had also roped in village panchayat -> pradhans to capture the "ghost". You see, the owner of the abandoned carnival, Old Man Don Knotts, placed this common household hologram over a flashlight to allow the fake ghost to lift massive objects! In order to smuggle the diamonds out disguised as jellybeans, he merely took advantage of a convenient local legend! And now, let's all chow down on the Indian equivalent of Scooby Snacks... AAAAAAAACK MY TONGUE IS ON FIRE!!! HELP, THE SCOOBY SNACKS BURNED MY FACE OFF!!! -- K. Ever notice how Hanna-Barbera characters drive like THIS, but people from India drive like THIS? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo will have less reason to make fun of me now... Date: Mon, 29 May 2006 02:45:38 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Subject: Kibo will have less reason to make fun of me now... Why, did you lose 300 pounds? > [...] AW LOOK ALL YOUR QUOTED TEXT FELL ON MR. FLOOR! -- K. It's not the number of pounds, it's whether you can fit into your mom's bathing suit. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Important points to consider. Date: Mon, 29 May 2006 04:20:24 -0400 Tony Shalhoub has really stubby fingers. It will probably be many decades before the "As Seen On TV!" emblem changes to look like a widescreen, sharp-cornered TV. The Three Stooges had several fake Curlies but no fake Larry, to avoid scaring the kids. Shag carpeting may no longer be stylish, but I bet that next time it resurfaces it's a foot long. Of Bob Hope's four stars on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame, nobody knows which one he's buried under. Brown is not actually a color. It's an optical illusion. Nobody has yet offered for sale a gas mask that will fit a pet ameba. What do all these facts add up to? A trapezoid of knowledge at the exact center of a scalene triangle of logic. Those of you who need to give me Nobel Prizes may send them to: Me. Use Federal Express, not FedEx, because the Federal Express logo looks like it goes faster. Do not disclose this information to anyone. Tell everyone you know to also not disclose this information to anyone. It is critical that nobody believe you that you have the greatest information that was ever born. Wear a mask if reporters ask you how great a genius i am. For hygiene, always eat ball-game frankfurters with a knife and fork and only between innings because the motion of the ball stirs up the germs. I know that all these facts are true because I'm the one who made them up. Even Tony Shalhoub cannot disprove my factual theory that he has stubby fingers. Sincerely, Your Television Pal, Kibo, That Genius. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Martin Landau comes a day early this year Date: Tue, 30 May 2006 19:47:57 -0400 Remember how, on September 13, 1999, Martin Landau blew up the Moon, according to the first-season opening titles of "Space: 1999"? Well, Paramount's finally going to be selling the original "Mission: Impossible" (with "special guest star" Martin Landau in every single episode of the first season) this fall... ...on September 12. My theory is that they think anyone who will buy the "Mission: Impossible" DVDs will run out and get them on the 12th so that they'll have something to watch while they're hiding in their fallout shelters on the 13th, celebrating the seventh annual Martin Landau Blew Up The Moon Day. Of course, note that these first-season "Mission: Impossible" DVDs appear to have had Peter Graves digitally replaced with some other guy who was never on "Mission: Impossible" (Steven Hill.) But that's okay because the new guy can act. I like the box art because if you use your imagination a little it looks like Barbara Bain's weird asymmetrical plastic hair is burning. Anyway, it's nice to see that this year there will be some corporate exploitation of Martin Landau Blew Up The Moon Day, which is required for any holiday to be considered official. So throw out your old calendar and buy a new one that has Martin Landau Blew Up The Moon Day unless you're the unpatriotic sort of person who doesn't celebrate whatever TV-related holidays I tell you to. -- K. Also don't forget that this summer is the twentieth anniversary of Father Guido Sarducci's "Bicententennial". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: curses Date: Tue, 30 May 2006 20:29:47 -0400 In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@earthlink.net) posted his exciting new two-part theory: > > I guess > > God made > > volcano Washington > > throw out gases and rocks > > Washington is part of U.S. No it isn't. It's a peninsula. -- K. And what will it be in 600 centillion years? Some sort of _super_ peninsula, like Canada? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: alpha female in cats of 4 females Date: Tue, 30 May 2006 21:09:24 -0400 In sci.bio.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > From what I have seen with my 6 cats is that the alpha female is the > largest female. And I always thought you were taller. Well, try not to make her mad at you. But why six cats? I thought your life revolved around the number 239. Six would be the magic number for some guy named Archimedes Lithium who liked lithium a whole lot, not somebody like you. I won't take your scientific research seriously until you get the other 233 cats you're supposed to have. -- K. Frankly, I'm surprised you're even allowed to have cats. Isn't there some law that says people are required to be smarter than their pets? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.bio.misc,sci.med,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: cats reflect the human problem of obesity Re: greatest diet ever known; riding lawnmowers are 1/2 of the problem Date: Tue, 30 May 2006 21:18:23 -0400 In sci.bio.misc, sci.med, and soc.history, a_plutonium (a_plutonium@dtgnet.com) wrote: > > I had to laugh last year when the mother cat was trying to be a good > mother to her 5 kittens of 6 months old. She went out hunting and > brought home to her kittens a vole and pitched the vole on the ground. > Expecting her audience of kittens to eagerly run over and accept her > gift of food. Instead, her 5 kittens looked disinterested as if to say > "why bother, we don't like that junk food, we are waiting for Uncle > Archie to feed us the good stuff". Well I'll be a monkey's uncle, Archie is the kitties' uncle. I hope you remembered to give your nephews and nieces power of attorney in case they ever have to put you in a home. Trust me, someday you'll have to let those cats make the right decision for you. > This is the problem of modern society, in that we have made food so good > tasting and plentiful and cheap and able to horde in refrigerators and > freezers, that obesity cannot be avoided by most people. When it takes > so little effort to open a freezer and to have ice-cream in wrappers on > sticks, that takes no effort, that we inevitably chain-binge-eat until > we have eaten every bar in sight. There is no stopping. The flaw in your theory is that scientists have discovered that some people can sometimes choose not to eat an entire box of Fudgsicles with one hand while telling Usenet about their cats with the other. > So to be serious about dieting, means that you cannot buy it at the > store. Dieting starts in the grocery store. If you buy it, then you are > not on a diet, because you cannot uphold a discipline once you get it home. Seriously, Arch, this would never happen if you were smart enough to give those cats power of attorney. Let the cats lock you up and throw away the key -- it's for your own good, and you should welcome your new cat overlords. > Just like the cats. The food I give them is so much better tasting than > any mouse, vole, bird, rabbit etc etc. That the cats are forever > spoiled. They catch these critters, but seldom eat them, because they do > not taste as good as what Uncle Archie puts into their feeding pan. "Meow" = "EWW THIS DEAD RAT SMELLS LIKE UNCLE ARCHIE'S HANDS!" It's your cats' way of telling their uncle that he needs a bath. And I don't want to see the photos of you licking yourself, you pervert. -- K. I'm not even going to mention that Archie's article implies that he knows what cat food tastes like. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: cats reflect the human problem of obesity Re: greatest diet ever known; riding lawnmowers are 1/2 of the problem Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 15:37:34 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > [...] in the fridge. I had to cut into small pieces in case he's a > > vegetarian. > > > > So yeah, I not only cooked for a cat, I minced his food for him. > > Haven't you been paying ANY attention to those VW Jetta commercials on > TV? Just because he's a vegetarian, that doesn't mean he's necessarily > a fagort. Be careful. If your cat is gay for you, because Archie is gay for his cats this could lead to you and Archie being gay for each other so that your cat can get legally married to his cats. And that would be just too weird to even mention. Then we'd have to rub Weirdness Remover on our brains to get that image out of them. Those VW commercials which position themselves as humorously satirizing cultural stereotypes are really in the same genre as that bleach commercial with the fluffy cat, i.e. commercials which simply want to get your attention through shocking racism and then quickly changing the subject to pretend they're not actually doing that. I haven't seen that bleach commercial ("...all this time, I thought she was WHITE!") in a while, but it seems to have been the start of a trend. We may be in for a wave of other things like the VW commercials. I gotta admit that after the white guy gets upset that the black guy says that Jetta owners all know how to dance, the reveal that the announcer is wearing lederhosen is a daring twist -- first you have a black guy being racist against a white guy by re-assigning the black-guys-got-rhythm sterotype to him (gee, thanks, VW) and then the commercial ends with VW flaunting a stereotype of Germans. It's their way of saying "Look, we're not being racist, cause we're mocking ourselves too! See this stereotype of ourselves! We're all Germans and all Germans are Nazis! So calling ourselves Nazis is the same as calling ourselves not racist!" Or maybe I'm reading eight levels too many of meaning into this dopey commercial which is the tenth-generation descendant of the original "Think small" campaign. Maybe VW is just floundering around trying to find a way to shock people inoffensively so they're trying to do something with all the appeal of playing the race card without using a real race card. Maybe they're trying to break my brain by making me attempt to deconstruct the logic of an imaginary form of racism manufactured by the ad industry to sell functional objects. Personally, I think people who own cars are bozos. All of them. And it must be true because behind every stereotype there's a grain of truth therefore if I make up enough stereotypes I can prove anything! -- K. "Commercials that make you squirm" is not a smart form of marketing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: cats reflect the human problem of obesity Re: greatest diet ever known; riding lawnmowers are 1/2 of the problem Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 20:27:13 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Commercials that make you squirm" > > The ones that make me squirm are the cell phone commercials inviting you > to "download the latest viral videos." Cronenbergian and Burroughsesque > imagery aside, Aww, why does it have to be aside? Cronenbergian imagery shouldn't be aside, it should be inside, shoved up deep into your body through one of the fifty-three known Cronenbergian orifices everyone has in their Old Flesh. > that sounds to me about like "Come in and buy our fun propaganda drinks!" "Drink Yourself Gullible!" > Or is this some new recreational autohypnosis craze, having yourself > remade into a part of the so-Barbarino crowd by allowing these videos > to program your cultural orientation subliminally? Watch out! Cronenberg's firing the Barbarino Ray out of his lower left BLANK! You're watching "New Flesh Match Game '06", and how do YOU fill in this orifice? So. anyway, since you brought up the issue of Cronenberg's fascination with people having extra tentacles and/or the insertion of special tentacles into special places in special ways, let me tell you about my shopping trip to Chinatown today. I'd already mentioned that one of the video stores I frequent has an illegal casino next door (where I heard someone getting beaten to the tune of "My Sharona" sung in Chinese -- this is why I can't play the American version of the PlayStation "Taiko Drum Master", because it includes "My Sharona", and I think it couldn't compare to the actual live performance I heard of a guy being My Sharona'd to death) but there are several other equally odd stores in Boston's Chinatown. Around the corner from that one is a little basement place which contains a hedge maze made of freestanding stacks of VHS cassettes. Imagine how wobbly and shaky and vertical pile of 80 VHS tapes is (think of the scene in "Ghostbusters" -- "No human would stack books that way!") and then imagine a store with about a thousand of those stacks towering over you on all sides. They're taller than you (and the rafters are also packed with more tapes.) Squeezing through the store between the tipsy stacks of cassettes is like that carnival game where you have to move the little metal loop along the squiggly wire without ever touching anything, in that it's impossible. I go there because there's a little table of used Video CDs in the front (maximum price $5 each.) I've now been there enough times that they trust me to be an actual shopper and not some orange-haired non-Chinese guy who wandered in there for no particular reason, so today the proprietor offered to show me the secret stash of discs that are hidden under the counter. As if Hong Kong law applied here, the Category III and OAT II discs were hidden (in Hong Kong, you're not allowed to let minors even see the boxes of stuff that has sex or gore or tentacle rape.) I flipped through the stack of video nasties and found a Japanese movie I hadn't encountered before: "Edo Porn". It's a dramatization of how the famous artist Hokusai (you know, the "Wave" painting) came to do that one picture of the woman being raped by the octopus tentacles. The box has a big photo of a woman delighting int he companionship of a giant rubber octopus. So not only is it a dramatization of the true story of the origin of the Japanese tentacle-rape fetish, but it's got a wonderfully fake rubber octopus that looks like something from one of Ed Wood's stroke films. I haven't watched it yet. Nor have I watched the one I got at the other store (next to the DO!NOT!NOTICE!THIS!CASINO casino) titled "Killer Pussy", where the box art shows a woman with an evil H.R. Giger-style tentacle reaching out of her cha-cha (and there's also a picture of her having sex with a monkey.) I'm really not sure when (or if) I'll ever be in the mood to watch these two, but it is nice to confirm that we're not imagining it, Asia really does have a "tentacle rape" live-action genre. So I'm going to keep these Video CDs handy in case David Cronenberg ever comes to visit. Hey, it could happen. Also today (over at my favorite video store, the one that's really a goldfish store that also has movies) I bought a DVD of Donnie Yen's "Protege de la Rose Noire", which has a wonderful "One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other" cover: woman dressed | woman dressed as a catburglar | as a catburglar | ---------------------+--------------------- | woman dressed | HELLO, I'M as a catburglar | BURT WARD! Yes, it's a Chinese guy wearing a Robin costume -- specifically, Burt Ward's sateen version, not one of the kinky rubber ones with the nipples on the outside. They did a great job making an exact clone of an incredibly dopey outfit for their own evil purposes. However, I have not yet played the DVD so I don't know whether Knockoff Robin meets tentacles. (It's a category IIB movie, so it's possible.) It came with refrigerator magnets of photos of the characters so I can tell the entire kitchen I own something starring Chinese Burt Ward. (One of the refrigerator magnets is a six-piece jigsaw puzzle, in case I ever need a really easy brain-teaser to pass the time while I'm in the middle of opening the refrigerator.) So, now we know: Asians like tentacle porn and "Batman" sidekicks. I wonder if they also like the sidekick from that other show that aired after "Batman". I forget, what was the name of that unknown guy who played the Green Hornet's buddy? -- K. If you want something really creepy, I have a Jiang Zemin karaoke DVD. Eeeeeeeeee! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: cats reflect the human problem of obesity Re: greatest diet ever known; riding lawnmowers are 1/2 of the problem Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 17:26:03 -0400 ...continued from somewhere. Because Glenn Knickerbocker was talking about tentacle porn, I mentioned I had just purchased a 100% factual documentary movie about Hokusai watching that woman making out with that octopus. Millions of imaginary friends wrote me and demanded proof that this movie not only exists, and that I actually have a legal copy of it. So, here you go: "Edo Porn": http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_05_edop_1479_400x400.jpg It's based on this famous painting: Hokusai's "Octopussy": http://ivizlab.sfu.ca/arya/Gallery/Ukiyo_e/Hokusai/Fisherman_Wife_Dream.jpg Not to be confused with: Hokusai's macho octopus: http://www.pacificasiamuseum.org/japanesepaintings/html/popup/3_2a.stm And for a different type of Japanese tentaporn, here you also go: "Killer Pussy": http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_05_killerp_77_400x400.jpg Upon closer inspection, the picture of the monkey on the back just turns out to be a guy who was so badly-printed that he looks like some sort of simian, but he could simply be a hirsute pinhead. The semi-monkey: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_05_killerp_78_400x400.jpg And then for Chinese Burt Ward, here you go again: "Protege de la Rose Noire": http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_05_blackr_1475_300x400.jpg ...now with legs (and panythose!): http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_05_blackr_76_300x400.jpg Matching refrigerator magnet set not shown. Those represent just a tiny fraction of my collection of Asian movies, most of which involve neither tentacles nor Chinese Burt Ward. And none of them involve both at the same time... as far as I know. Also, how come there are no Chinese or Japanese knockoffs or parodies of "Star Trek"? Can you imagine how awesome the Shaw Brothers' imitation of "Star Trek" would be, especially given that all their movies already involved large flat sets covered with sparkly fried-chicken-textured rocks and guys in primary-colored outfits with giant fake wigs? Every country should have a "Star Trek". It's not like it's hard to make your own. You just have to have a lot of bad actors in your country. Look, if Turkey can make their own "Star Trek", surely any country that's even close to having electricity can! Japan could probably even invent a machine that would automatically make a thousand "Star Trek" episodes a day! -- K. That's what the Sonny Chiba version of "Ogon Batto" was missing -- he never dressed up as Burt Ward. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Centillion Years Question Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 15:19:58 -0400 In alt.religion.kibology, jonwiley85@yahoo.com wrote: > > jonwiley85@yahoo.com wrote: > > > > Here is your Question: What is the most of the Most Centillion Years? > > > > A. 10x303 > > B. 10x600 > > C. 10x999 > > The answer is 10x303. Wrong! I think the guy who asked that question tricked you. You shouldn't let him make you look like a bozo like that. Everybody knows you can't multiply 10 by 303, because not only are they two completely different numbers, but according to the immutable laws of science the result's units would be "square years", and I, for one, am not ready to spend any amount of years inside squares. I'd go out of my mind sitting below Paul Lynde, next to Arte Johnson and Rose Marie, after even the first centillion square years. Have you considered a less repetitive hobby, like maybe making a dorodango? You could probably make one the size of a planet if you took a centillion years. Plus maybe life would evolve on it, and you could talk to it, although it would probably be some sort of unintelligent life, but that would be okay because you could say the same things over and over to it. Of course if you made a dorodango that big you'd have to worry about the immense amounts of wu and wabi radiating from it, and you'd have to keep them balanced, so you might have to stand back to avoid being blasted by rays of super-intense wu. But still, I'd think rolling a dorodango would do you a lot of good, even if you think mud is dirty. For the greater good, I urge you to go out in the back yard and make a dorodango today! Devote your life to making it perfect unless you want to admit you're not as good at mudwork as a Japanese toddler! SHOW US YOUR DORODANGO! -- K. On "Hollywood Squares", the squares had the wu, the celebrities were just inane. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spackle?! Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 15:46:35 -0400 Otto Bahn (http://www.brown-recluse.com/bitephotos.html) wrote: > > You ever wake up early, and unable to get back to sleep, > find yourself staring at the ceiling? And then you notice > the ceiling is spackled? That what looks normal during > the day, now in the early dawn light looks like painted > dirt and gravel? And you are asking yourself all of these > stupid questions? Just because of spackle and the tiny > shadows it casts? That's not the spackle. Every shadow is actually the tiny ghost of the lost soul of a chicken nugget you once ate. The really tiny ones are french fries and onion rings. Potato-piece souls and onion-skin souls. If you ate only inorganic matter you wouldn't have this problem. > Spackle is ugly. That's all there is to it. But when > you spread it out over the entire ceiling, the ugliness > cancels out and you don't notice it. Usually, anyway. > Spackle even sounds ugly. It probably traps dirt and > germs, and may even contain lead. It is wrong for boys > and girls to have the bits of spackle between their teeth. > Spackle must drive people in mental institutions crazy. > I bet it's a real bitch to get rid of spackle too. If > you don't wear a mask while scraping it off you'll suck > up enough dust and dirt and germs to kill you. This is why, to protect your lungs, you should spackle and grout them before attempting to de-spackle or re-grout anything. Ever wonder why grout and caulk come in icing tubes and pastry guns? It's so that you can jam 'em into your throat and squeeze really hard, just like those gas-station pickles that come in the plastic pouches. They're all things you're supposed to squirt directly into your lungs to protect you from diseases, radiation, and the smell of your own feet. > Spackle is like restaurant carpeting that is designed to > hide stains and cockroaches. Yeah, it works, but who > would want to have a floor that look like stains and > cockroaches? You haven't been to Las Vegas, have you? Go to the lower floor of "New York New York", look down, and cry that your entire theory has been destroyed by a stupid casino. Well, at least you can get Krispy Kremes while you're there. > Just say no to spackle. It's a 1960s retro-Florida cheap > concept that only worked because the furniture was ugly > too. Spackle is not sexy. Smooth is sexy. Ayn Rand's > face was spackled. Plus, she smoked, and her spackled > lungs killed her. Dead is not alive. Ayn Rand's face wasn't spackled. It was just writing you a love letter in Braille. > Teh enb (of spackle), > > --oTTo-- "oTTo" rhymes with "spackle" now. I win! -- K. I like nougat. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spackle?! Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 21:55:44 -0400 Otto Bahn (http://www.brown-recluse.com/bitephotos.html) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > Otto Bahn (http://www.brown-recluse.com/bitephotos.html) wrote: > > > > > > Just say no to spackle. > > > > Is this some trendy new portmanteau combination of "speckle" and > > "stucco"? > > I think I just wackyparsed it. "Spackle" is a brand name for gray goop you smear on walls to smooth them out and fill in cracks. "Stucco" is bumpy white goop that was popular on walls and ceilings in the olden days. It's basically 3-D paint. "Spackle" is also a word Letterman's writers thought was hilarious back in the first season, hence an explanation in the ancient "Late Night With David Letterman: The Book" that "spacklies" was the staff's term for jokes about spackling and grouting. > [...] It occured to me they were probably dust magnets, and > I imagined tiny mites that drift down like Horton hears a Who. Never mind that. Is broccoli kosher in your house? > I meant the version of stucco that has plastered blobs > ranging from the size of sand grains to small peas. I > think it is sprayed on, hence it's usefulness to developers, > and it is also good for hiding flaws and shoddy workmanship > while requiring little maintenance unless you have a teenager > who practices jumping by trying to touch the ceiling. The big lumps are where they hide the ancient asbestos that wants to detach and jump into your lungs. Also, the big lumps have acoustic properties -- they keep any sound you make from echoing and annoying you by transmitting these sounds directly through the ceiling to your upstairs neighbors. Have you considered doing like a normal person and simply covering all your walls and ceilings with aluminum foil? -- K. I'm not kidding, you need to put foil on your ceiling right now. I'm tired of picking your thoughts up on my brainscanner. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Attention California residents, your vote will now be thrown away for some reason! Yay! Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 20:43:07 -0400 Mark Hill alerted me to this incredibly idiotic item: [www.mercurynews.com] -> -> Assembly backs plan to give presidential votes on popular vote -> -> Samantha Young -> Associated Press -> -> SACRAMENTO -- Frustrated that presidential candidates have spent -> so little time in California, lawmakers on Tuesday approved -> legislation to change how the state awards its electoral votes -> for president. -> -> The bill would pledge California's 55 Electoral College votes to -> the winner of the national popular vote, [...] So let me get this straight. California wants to lure politicians to visit their state by promising to award their electoral votes based solely on what happens _outside_ of California? I can't even begin to comprehend how to figure out how to figure out how to figure out what they think their logic is. This makes most of Archimedes Plutonium's political theories seem sound. Manley Hubbell's, too. When did California become The Crazy State? ...let's see, how long has it had statehood? I hereby found The Contrarian Party. Once we take over every state, each state will change its laws saying that its electoral votes go the opposite way from every other state's electoral votes. This will create a massive Russell Paradox ("The barber shaves all men who don't shave themselves") which will then cause the Constitution to explode and then we can have anarchy for everyone, just like the Bible says we should. Also, only people under six feet tall will have to pay taxes, and Monopoly "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards will really work. I fully expect all this to happen because I'm sure I can get the massive population of California behind me just by practicing a ridiculously fake German accent and posing nude for lots of gay porn magazines while saying "Dese are not staiwoids I am takink!" while drinking from a huge jug marked "STEROIDS, GERMAN STRENGTH". And once I conquer California, I can use Hollywood's propaganda machine to take over the other 49 states. Today, California, tomorrow, the real world! -- K. Is there any state which hasn't yet elected a crazy governor? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Attention California residents, your vote will now be thrown away for some reason! Yay! Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 03:43:45 -0400 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > -> AB 2948 would commit California to a compact in which each > -> participating state would cast all its electoral votes for > -> the presidential candidate receiving the most popular votes > -> nationwide. > > Oh yeah, and there is this other little detail that the drafters of this > law probably forgot about. > > No State shall, without the Consent of Congress, lay any duty of > Tonnage, keep Troops, or Ships of War in time of Peace, enter into any > Agreement or Compact with another State, or with a foreign Power, or > engage in War, unless actually invaded, or in such imminent Danger as > will not admit of delay. Dude, that's no longer relevant, because it's old and because here in the twentieth century we capitalize differently. That's why George Washington named our nation's capital after himself rather than just capitalizing all sorts of nouns around the country. Besides, I can prove that that rule isn't being used any more: Powerball. If no two states are allowed to have a capitalized Agreement, how come a bunch of them have the Powerball lottery? Also, if states aren't allowed to be in Agreement, doesn't that mean they'd each have to support a different candidate from the 50 major political parties? I say that for the good of the nation the whole country should just be one big state. Like how the state of New York is already one big city plus a few cows, the whole country should just be suburbs of Washington, D.C. Also Canada should be officially declared "Our Wacky Neighbor" and there should be ninjas all over the place because you can never find a ninja when you want to see a ninja killing someone because you're mildly bored. -- K. POWERRRRRBALLLLLLLL! Tilt with the devil and you'll live in... The Federal Triangle! deedle deedle deedle deedle ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Attention California residents, your vote will now be thrown away for some reason! Yay! Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 21:46:06 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Mark Hill alerted me to this incredibly idiotic item: > > > > [www.mercurynews.com] > > -> > > -> SACRAMENTO -- Frustrated that presidential candidates have spent > > -> so little time in California, lawmakers on Tuesday approved > > -> legislation to change how the state awards its electoral votes > > -> for president. > > -> > > -> The bill would pledge California's 55 Electoral College votes to > > -> the winner of the national popular vote, [...] > > There seems to be some IMPORTANT INFORMATION missing there... like the > fact that this is a multistate agreement: > > From the Sacramento Bee: > => > => AB 2948 would commit California to a compact in which each > => participating state would cast all its electoral votes for > => the presidential candidate receiving the most popular votes > => nationwide. > => > => The compact would not become effective until its member > => states control a majority of the Electoral College's > => 538 votes. > > It's basically a way to do away with the Electoral College without > havingto do away with the Electoral College, if you get my drift. If > the compact went into effect, the end result would be that whoever got > the most votes nationwide would become president. > > Any clever scheme to undo that would have to come from the national > level. Congress could pass a law saying that whoever gets the least > amount of electoral votes gets to be president. YAY! WE'RE ALL > PRESIDENT! No, _I'm_ President. You can't prove otherwise! It says I'm the President, right here in this copy of the Constitution I have! And you can't prove mine is any less real than that other copy in Washington! I say the one in Washington's fake because why would the Founding Fathers choose to write their "Constitution" on 200-year-old paper? They wouldn't! They would've used brand new paper, like mine! CASE CLOSED I'M PRESIDENT NOW! > I think I will be PRESIDENT DANGER! The Daringest President Alive! > There would be national elections to send me into DANGER, where I will > fight random enemies! Sort of like Reality Diplomacy! Or Russell Crowe! Or sort of like the movie "Air Force One", or the movie "Independence Day" (which, incidentally, makes you retarded if you actually call it "ID4"), or the old TV cartoon series "Super President" which once made me almost lose at Trivial Pursuit because I didn't know about it, or Teddy Roosevelt. Or that "Star Trek" episode where Lincoln helps Kirk beat up the Klingon and Genghis Khan and Mork. That's the episode where Uhura explains that the englightened attitudes towards race relations in the 23rd century are because black people no longer get upset no matter which N-word you call them. Also, it has a rockman no crummier- looking than the one that got cut out of "Star Trek V", but not as good as the one in "Galaxy Quest", but not as gay as anything in "(T)raumschiff Surprise: Periode 1", which is the closest we'll ever get to seeing Mike Myers's aborted "Sprockets" movie. By the way, the reason the "T" in the title is crossed out (or parenthesized here) is because "Raumschiff Enterprise" ("Starship Enterprise") was the German title for "Star Trek", but "Das Traumschiff" ("The Dreamship") was the German title for "The Love Boat". I think the Germans had to do their own "Star Trek" parody not just to camp it up, but because they're not allowed to see the episode where Kirk and Spock go to the all-Nazi planet. So they had to make their own one that Americans aren't allowed to see. (It has no English subtitles.) Also because someone had to make a movie to show Mel Brooks that "Spaceballs" could have been funny if someone else made it. It's the only movie I've ever seen that had color-coded subtitles. Everything Mr. Spuck said was pink. This could've been confusing during the "Timeline"/"A Knight's Tale" parody where Rock became the Pink Knight, but fortunately I was putting too much effort into trying to understand the German subtitles to notice what color the words were. "Mopsgeschwindigkeit", indeed. (It means something like "speedyzoomfast".) Anyway, after I'm through being President, you can be PRESIDENT DANGER! but you're going to have to wait a while. Also, I'm not sure there will be anything left for you to blow up after I'm done using the country as my own personal Legoland. I'm going to go down in history as the explodiest leader ever, even worse than Mork, which means that in the 23rd century, I'll get to have a fistfight with Lincoln and Mork will just sit at home crying like a little girl! -- K. I dare you to go to any "Star Trek" convention dressed as Mr. Spuck and then hog the "Dance Dance Revolution" machine. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New ice cream flavors from Japan Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 23:05:50 -0400 Mainichi Daily News has a third gallery of killer Japanese ice cream flavors up now -- "The Wackiest World Of Japanese Ice Cream"! If you want to follow along with the pictures, the gallery is at: http://mdn.mainichi-msn.co.jp/photospecials/graph/060528icecream/index.html -> Soy Sauce Ice Cream -- Soy sauce is the undisputed flavor of -> Japan. But why it had to be put into an ice cream is anyone's -> guess. Tucking into Soy Sauce Ice Cream leaves the feeling that, -> when it comes to soy based edibles, perhaps soylent green may -> have been a tastier choice. I can imagine this wouldn't be too bad, depending on how salty it is. It'd probably basically taste like stroganoff sauce. -> Pit Viper Ice Cream -- The pit viper, or mamushi in Japanese, is -> one of the most dangerous poisonous snakes inhabiting the -> Japanese archipelago. And a bite into this reptilian flavored ice -> cream can certainly seem deadly. Drives fans into hiss-terics. -> Pit viper is regarded as an aphrodisiac in Japan, but the -> terrible taste makes it hard to fall in love with this ice cream. I don't think I've ever had snake. I did see alligator chunks at an Asian grocery once, but I've never eaten any reptiles except for a few little turtle bits in canned turtle soup (and they just tasted like extraordinarly-low-grade beef.) So I can't really imagine what this ice cream would taste like except some sort of meat ice cream. And how could meat ice cream be bad? -> Indian Curry Ice Cream -- Definitely not a taste to give others -> if you're trying to curry favor. Curry flavored ice cream goes a -> long way toward putting the bomb into Bombay. The adventurous who -> try this ice cream will be rewarded with the taste of curry -> lingering in their mouths for hours. YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES Damn, my local Japanese markets don't carry this. I may have to buy an ice-cream-maker and pour cream and curry powder into it to see what wonders I can create. Geez, now I just gave myself a craving for those curry doughnuts from the Japonaise Bakery and it's too late to get any today. In a perfect world, weird doughnuts would be available 24 hours a day! -> Pearl Ice Cream -- A real pearler and a cooler alternative, -> perhaps, to pearl jam! This ice cream is a true Pearl of the -> Orient. A flavor that's boisterous for the oysterous. Lucky -- -> or brave -- types may even find a gem in their punnet. But this -> oyster-based ice cream has the kind of taste to make some just -> wanna clam up. "Pearl Ice Cream: It's just like eating teeth!" CRUNCH, CRUNCH... -> Salad Ice Cream -- An ice cream that is one salad definitely -> needing to be tossed. This ice cream, packed with chunks of -> veggies, is the sort of food that turns kids off their greens. The picture is particularly revolting, because there's what appears to be a slice of zucchini and some red bell pepper slices on top. Those are fine as vegetables, and they interact well with cream sauces (think macaroni salad), but I'm not sure they'd be fun to eat in a frozen product -- ever tried eating vegetables right from the freezer? There's nothing more unpleasant than a broccosicle. -> Charcoal Ice Cream -- The "coalden" child of Japanese ice creams. -> A must-eat for the coal miners. Not cool, but undoubtedly -> "coaled." An ice cream that could char reputations. But the -> taste? Char-ming. Sweet Sonny Chiba! It's GRAY!!! The Japanese have invented medium gray food! I could never have predicted the Japanese would enjoy the taste of carbon ice cream. That's so incredibly wrong even by the standards of a country where every TV channel shows nothing but women dressed like little girls getting raped by space squids. -> Miso Ramen Ice Cream -- An ice cream that really gets on the -> noodle of some, but the ramen and miso are both Japanese culinary -> favorites. If only the delicacies had been left in the noodle -> bowl instead of blended with ice cream. In other words, what makes this different from the soy sauce ice cream is that this one has real noodles in it -- and a slice of two-tone fish cake on top. I don't even put fish cake in my soup, let alone in my ice cream. -> Chilli Pepper Ice Cream -- Before partaking of this fiery ice -> cream, perhaps its best to remember that it's made of the same -> stuff used in the capsicum spray turned on those in an -> uncontrollable rage. Probably one of the only ice creams in -> existence that makes the mouth burn when you taste it. YES! Finally something I've actually enjoyed! Well, actually, I haven't had the Japanese version. I've just been known to put hot sauce on boring regular ice cream to make it more fun. By the way, Pepsi is so much better if you (gently) stir a drop of hot sauce into the glass. It changes Pepsi into Super Coke. -> Cheese Risotto Ice Cream -- "Mama mia!" Italians are famous for -> raising their arms and gesturing in exasperation at the slightest -> provocation. Imagine how they'd be seeing the Japanese have -> added one of Italy's national dishes, and a savory one at that, -> to sweet ice cream. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. Somehow Japan went from being a country that wouldn't eat cheese to a country that sneaks cheese into places where it shouldn't be, such as snack foods. They even put it in curry! Please help me make Japan forget about cheese again. -> Natural Salt Ice Cream -- How sweet -- salty ice cream. A real -> salt-of-the-earth taste for some, but others feel there's little -> fine about this brine. Howard Johnson's Salt Water Taffy has the flavor of this, but its texture is different -- it's harder than the pearl ice cream. -> Grated Yam Ice Cream -- When grated, yam creates a gooey paste -> somewhat akin to clag made out of flour and water. Which kind of -> raises the question of how it ever ended up as an ice-cream -> flavor in the first place. Puh. Sweet potato ice cream's really non-threatening. I prefer the taro ice cream, which is lavender instead of orange. Neither really has much flavor to get excited about. They're just ice cream with trace amounts of tasteless potato starch. -> Cypress Tree Ice Cream -- Cypress is a favorite when making the -> barrel-like baths so adored in Japan. Though it contains -> fragments of cypress wood for flavoring, some may find the taste -> of this ice cream influenced more by the bathwater than the -> material used to make its container. Frankly, this tastes like -> ice cream on a wooden stick without the ice cream. I have no idea what a cypress tree tastes like. I'm assuming that it's some sort of tree with a fragrant sap, so maybe this is something like the flavor of that Quebecois "spruce beer" I like. So I'd try it. -> Cream Cheese Ice Cream -- It'd be wonderful to say this flavor -> creams all others. It may be true when it comes to bread spreads, -> but it sure aint the case with ice cream. A surefire bet to get -> some saying "phooey to Philly." Cream cheese is halfway between real (horrible) cheese and nice normal ice cream to start with. So this would be 1/4 of the way to being cheese, and therefore bad. -> Squid Gut Ice Cream -- Squid innards are often used as a -> condiment in Japanese cuisine, which I suppose makes it a natural -> to find its way into ice cream. Absolutely an ice cream that -> should only be partaken of by the brave, we should be fortunate -> Squid Gut ice cream is not the full squid. Why? Do you know something about squid eyes we don't know? -> Squid Ink Ice Cream -- If the idea of Squid Gut ice cream seems -> unpalatable, perhaps this Squid Ink flavor is more of a tentacled -> taste-bud tantalizer. It's the same color as the carbon ice cream. But it's closer to being an actual food flavor, given that I know people can choke down that pasta that's been dyed blackish with the stuff. It's probably better than the charcoal ice cream, which would taste like licking the inside of your chimney. -> Char Grilled Seaweed Ice Cream -- As if the thought of grilled -> seaweed is not enough, this ice cream has the added bonus of the -> seaweed having been burned to a crisp before being added. Seriously, the Japanese put seaweed (either nori or laver) in everyfuckingthing. You can't get a single type of junk food that doesn't have little green or black dots on it that taste like the bottom of the ocean. I've never understood why Japanese people like that flavor. -> Hot Spring Water Ice Cream -- Soaking in the steaming waters of a -> hot spring is almost the Japanese national pastime. Located in -> volcanic areas, Japan's hot springs are subjected to wafts of -> the pungent odor of sulfur, which, of course, closely resembles -> the fragrance of broken wind. Know the smell, know what the ice -> cream tastes like. In the United States, this would be on the market already if the "Ben" in "Ben & Jerry's" was Benny Hill and if he could think of a flavor name that rhymed with "Fart". "Ben & Jerry's Tart Fart Blast"? -> Dracula Cool Garlic Mint Ice Cream -- Called "Dracula" because of -> its supposed effectiveness against vampires due to the garlic it -> contains, the unfortunate addition of mint flavor almost seems -> enough to drain anybody's blood. A taste that seems to leave the -> mouth in a state of the undead. Definitely not to be eaten in -> daylight (and nighttimes are best avoided, too). The brand name in the picture is "Dracula The Cool", which is a very Japanese name, along the lines of "Cinder Block The Cool" and "Cranial Embolism The Cool". This might not be bad, if they didn't overdo the mint. Garlic isn't a bad ice cream flavor. After all, it works great in Jelly Belly jelly beans. -> Genmai Ice Cream (unpolished rice) -- It shouldn't be surprising -> that this ice cream has a taste that's a little, well, -> unpolished. But genmai is certainly healthy and this treat -> actually gives credence to that idea that rice is nice. Yawn. I think I can get fake ice cream made from brown rice at the natural-food store. It probably basically tastes like nothing. -> Aojiru Ice Cream -- Aojiru, literally a broth of green-leafed -> vegetables, became a household word across Japan because a TV -> advertisement for aojiru featured an old man who guzzled down a -> glass full of it and promptly proclaimed it to taste "awful." -> Enough said about the ice cream? Meh. Mugwort mochi taste awful to me and I'd imagine this mystery green stuff is probably mostly mugwort. I'll pass. -> Rice Straw Ice Cream -- Rice straw forms the tatami mats some -> call the essence of Japan. Igusa makes for great wabi and sabi, -> and a not too bad tasting ice cream flavor, either. I'm holding out for "Bendy Straw Ice Cream" or better yet, "Crazy Stray Ice Cream". -> Environmentally Friendly Miso Ice Cream -- Another miso-based -> flavor, but this soy bean paste ice cream has the added advantage -> of being environmentally friendly. Judging by the taste, it would -> have been much friendlier had it never existed. How does regular ice cream destroy the environment? It sure doesn't cause global warming! -> Hojicha Bitter Green Tea Ice Cream -- Putting the "brew" into -> bruising your taste buds is the hojicha bitter green tea ice -> cream. Hojicha is best known as a tea consumed to complement -> incredibly sweet Japanese confectionary, but typically busy -> Japanese have mixed it with ice cream to kill two birds with one -> stone. And, with a taste like this, it wouldn't be surprising if -> they killed more than the two birds, too. Eh, I've had green tea ice cream. There's one brand of green tea mochi I really like, but I've also had some green tea ice cream that's considerably too bitter. The thing about green tea in candy or ice cream or beverage form is that it can be nuclear-stong and bitter, or pleasantly mild and sweet. Japanese people like to push the flavor of everything to where it's too nasty to eat, and this is probably one of those cases. -> Persimmon Ice Cream -- In Japan, persimmons are most often eaten -> after having been hung out to dry for the autumn months. And that -> description should be enough of a hint of the flavor of this ice -> cream. Wait a minute, it's just a fruit. How can any ice cream with a fruit flavor rate being on this list with the cheese ones? Oh, I get it, it's because outside Japan nobody likes the taste of _dried_ fruit. We just eat pleasant-tasting fresh fruit like raisins. -> Pickled Plum and Shiso Ice Cream -- Shiso is a herb frequently -> found flavoring a variety of Japanese foods, especially sushi. -> Its mint-like fragrance is a present for the palate, but when -> added to ice cream makes every bite seem as though it's into a -> slab of raw fish. The dried/salted/pickled plum is another bane of Japanese snack foods. The things are super-nasty. Shiso, on the other hand, is our old favorite "beef leaves", which are a plant which contains an oil that causes skin blisters and makes your mouth go numb if you make the mistake of trying to eat the leaves. I imagine ice cream that zings your mouth would probably take a lot of the fun out of eating something with such a weird cold, gooey texture. -> Collagen Lemon Ice Cream -- Lemon flavoring may sour some to this -> treat, but others make enjoy chomping away on the crunchy, -> gristly chunks of collagen inside that make eating this ice cream -> almost like chewing on a sweet bone. Every time I hear a commercial for canned "College Inn" broth I think they're actually advertising this. I wonder if it's better or worse than cellulite ice cream? -> Tomato Ice Cream -- Rotten tomatoes go to this ice cream's -> taste. Imbibing in this WMD (weapon of mouth destruction) is like -> letting a spoonful of freezing ketchup melt in your mouth. Oh, come on. Tomatoes are yummy fruits, and we mix 'em with dairy products all the time (tomato soup) or sugar (ketchup) and everybody loves them. We even used to have that tomato-flavored bubble gum. How could this be comparable to the stuff with the pound of soot in every tub? -> Deep Water Gelatto -- An ice cream containing water taken from -> deep beneath the earth's crust, and a taste that suggests it may -> have been better off remaining there. Not true, this is actually -> one of the more palatable members of this collection. Yes, but what _flavor_ is it? Or is this a case where I should be asking, "What flavor isn't it?" -> Herbal Remedy Ice Cream -- Yakuzen is the name given to the -> various herbs and plants used in traditional Oriental medicine, -> as well as to this ice cream. Mind you, the same practice also -> employs such exotics as rhinoceros toenail clippings and tiger -> tails, neither of which have made their way into an ice cream, -> which would probably have been a better fate for this flora, too. Again, this is probably basically mugwort (moxa). The important thing about mugwort is that when you burn it, it smells exactly like pot, although it contains only 1/6 as much THC as real pot so the trade-off is that although it's legal and really cheap, you'd need to roll a really big doobie to get high, and then everyone would think you were Cheech or Chong. The question is why anyone would want their hallucinogenic drugs diluted with ice cream. -> Potato Ice Cream -- The Spud Missile of Japanese ice creams. I still don't get why potatoes, yams, and taro are considered gross. They're just things that have no flavor whatsoever. Adding them to your ice cream would make it _less_ threatening. -> Cheese Ice Cream -- An ice cream every bit as cheesy as the -> captions to these photos. As a dairy product, it's a much -> tastier mix than some of the other members of the "Wackiest World -> of Japanese Ice Cream." NO IT ISN'T! I'd rather eat rhinoceros toenail fungus ice cream than cheese. Cheese is evil and should be destroyed. -> Finland Ice Cream -Ð An ice cream to get your teeth into, -> especially as it contains xylitol, a substance said to be -> beneficial for oral hygiene. Recommended by dentists, probably -> because, like the makers of this ice cream, they're used to -> putting awful tastes in people's mouths. But why "Finland"? Is it just because that country's up near the Arctic Circle where everything is covered with a thick layer of naturally-occurring non-dairy ice cream? That's all the flavors they listed in "The Wackiest World Of Japanese Ice Cream". I'd just like to mention everyone's favorite from previous installements: -> Raw Horseflesh Ice Cream (Basashi Aisu): We're not horsing -> around with this one. There mere thought of putting raw -> horseflesh into ice cream may be enough to produce plenty of -> neigh ... er, naysayers. And, rightfully so. You can get it -> straight from the horse's mouth, this would have to vie for the -> vilest ice cream ever created. The chunks of meat inside it offer -> ample proof of why horseflesh is usually used in dog food. Not -> wanting to be a nag, this flavor needs a definite gee-up. The -> only saving grace is perhaps that tonight's dessert could well -> have been last week's odds-on favorite. I can't imagine this would taste anything less than incredibly horrible. But I'd try it. I'd have to. -- K. What, no dorodango ice cream? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New ice cream flavors from Japan Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 16:48:59 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Damn, my local Japanese markets don't carry this. I may have to buy > > an ice-cream-maker and pour cream and curry powder into it to see > > what wonders I can create. > > What? Wait. What? You LIKE ice cream? And you LIKE strange > flavors? And you DON'T own an ice cream maker? > > Man, what is WRONG with you? Don't answer that. You can't stop me, you pervert. > Get yourself a good electric one (the crank-it-yourself kind is > recommended only if you live in rural Tunisia, or if you are really > really really good at rememering to do something every three to five > minutes for half an hour without forgetting) and a copy of the Ben and > Jerry Cookbook (not that they have anything weirder than Beer Sorbet > in there, but it'll give you a good starting point for > experimentation, and their hot fudge sauce recipe rools; just don't > bother with that one chocolate ice cream base recipe that involves > stirring cocoa powder into melted chocolate because it DOES NOT WORK) > and a bag of curry powder from Penzey's, and then just TRY and come > back here and say I did not give you good advice. Dude, "curry powder from Penzey's" isn't good advice. "Hey, there's the guy who gets his curry powder from... WISCONSIN! Git th' rope!" Wassamatta, your supermarket was out of both the La Choy and Boston Market brands? -- K. My kitchen currently contains far more types of curry powder and curry paste than Penzey's has ever sold, and not one of them came from Wisconsin. If Dave Foley ever visits my apartment, he'll cry and cry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New ice cream flavors from Japan Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 01:54:30 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Indian Curry Ice Cream > > > > YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES > > > > Damn, my local Japanese markets don't carry this. I may have to buy > > an ice-cream-maker and pour cream and curry powder into it to see > > what wonders I can create. > > Umm, I think you need actual water and maybe ordinary milk too... Plz read > instructions (and possibly mock them) before attempting to inflate the ice > cream, Kibo! I was only able to find one curry ice cream recipe on-line so far: [www.cheftalk.com, recipe posted by "Mezzaluna"] => => I dare you to try this one! It's the recipe I concocted for the => Hagen-Dasz "Dream Ice Cream" flavor contest on Food TV. I didn't => win, but I did make it and it was good -- I thought. => => Coconut Mango Curry Ice Cream -- a Mezzaluna original recipe => => 1.5 cups milk (fat content of your choice) => 1 cup light coconut milk => 1 cup sugar => 1 teaspoon curry powder (I used Penzey's) => Dash of salt => 2 eggs => 1 cup mango cut in small dice => 3/4 cup shredded sweetened coconut => => Toast the curry powder briefly in a hot skillet. Cool and combine => with the milk, coconut milk, coconut, sugar and salt in a 3 quart => saucepan. => => Beat eggs and stir into the pan. Simmer until thick. Strain into => a bowl. => => Pour the mixture into ice cream maker (I use a Donvier hand-crank => maker). When the mixture is done churning, stir in the mango => pieces. Cover tightly and freeze until firm. Allow to cure in the => freezer for a day or more before serving. I think I'd probably first try it without the solids (coconut shreds, mango cubes) and with more curry powder. Basically I'd prefer something approximating a yellow curry sauce for meat (with a strong curry flavor) rather than the sort of candied-fruit flavor people use in curried desserts. If I ever do this, my first attempt will probably be just a standard ice cream recipe (milk, cream, sugar, water) plus curry powder. Habanero pepper, wasabi, and black pepper are also ice cream flavors I'd like to try to play with. I saw black pepper ice cream mentioned on the Web and since black pepper Jelly Belly beans are the best ones, well, it's gotta make good ice cream. I doubt wasabi would be good in ice cream, but it's on the I-want-to-try-it list, although I'd want to use fresh wasabi, and I live on the wrong coast to be able to get any. A combination I'd really like to try in ice cream: White chocolate, raspberry extract, and green tea. (Note: raspberry _extract_, not syrup or juice or berries.) Those are three flavors that harmonize perfectly with each other with a lot of leeway for the proportions. And let's not forget bacon ice cream. Dammit, does anyone have an old ice cream machine they don't want? I really want to try some experiments. > > Geez, now I just gave myself a craving for those curry doughnuts > > from the Japonaise Bakery and it's too late to get any today. > > In a perfect world, weird doughnuts would be available 24 hours a day! > > MMMMMmmm, meat donuts. Karisapi Karima! Next time you're in town, let me know and I'll drag you to where you can get some of those curry doughnuts. The tiny amount of ground beef makes them super-special and holy cow are the things beautiful looking, with their perfect symmetry but completely irregular fractal surface texture. They look like something Ernst Haeckel would draw if he liked food instead of sea urchins. > [...] > > On the other hand, what about Campbell's Vegetable Soop ice cream? > Pre-softened veggies to cancel out the freezing hardening, and > vice versa? NOW WITH EXTRA MSG! > > ALPHABET ICE SOUP CREAM I like that idea. You'd have to boil the noodles first to make sure they're soft enough, and then there might be some issues with them (EAT THIS, KONTEXT-AWAY!) making wet spots in your ice cream. You know what always bugs me about alphabet noodles? I like 'em (they add a nice Dadaist touch to any soup, stew, or casserole) but I wish they made 'em bigger. If you could get ones that would cook up to a size bigger than 24pt -- say 48pt -- that would be great, because the tiny ones just don't stay chewy. I like large, chewy pasta like shells and ziti, not the wimpy stuff like angel hair that has no texture to it. And you can't make the tiny letters come out al dente. > > -> Chilli Pepper Ice Cream > > > > I haven't had the Japanese version. I've just been known to > > put hot sauce on boring regular ice cream to make it more fun. > > your kink is: OK, plus it makes for interesting reading I think ice cream with habanero bits in it would be lots of fun. You'd use a tiny amount of puree to make the ice cream hot, and then mix in little chunks of the outside of the habanero (the colorful parts which aren't spicy) for flavor. One of the great things about habaneros is that I've always found that their flavor co-operates with cream sauces in ways that other peppers might not, so I envision them as the perfect pepper to try in ice cream. > > Somehow Japan went from being a country that wouldn't eat cheese > > to a country that sneaks cheese into places where it shouldn't be, > > such as snack foods. They even put it in curry! Please help me > > make Japan forget about cheese again. > > You, er, do know that ice cream, when made out of non-totally-artificial > stuffs, is made using a first cousin of CHEESE ... right? Just checking. It's not fermented/cured/aged/pickled. Whole 'nother ball of yellow wax. There is a vast divide between dairy products which are still dairy products and dairy products which are intentionally rancidified ex-dairy now-enzymulated denatured plasticized stanky goop. Yogurt I seem to be able to eat, though I'm not sure why. -- K. Every review people have written of every ice cream maker listed on Amazon.com: WAAH WAAH WAAH IT ONLY MAKES SOFT ICE CREAM BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE TO PUT IT IN THE FREEZER AFTER YOU'RE DONE CHURNING IT! ALSO I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY IT'S AS LOUD AS A ROCK TUMBLER WHEN IT'S THE SAME THING BUT WITH A MUCH BIGGER MOTOR! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New ice cream flavors from Japan Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 02:29:06 -0400 I just wrote: > > And let's not forget bacon ice cream. The delicious ideas I did forget: sweet corn ice cream (a very Japanese flavor) spruce ice cream (seems easy enough, as spruce oil exists) lime ice cream (not sherbet -- ice cream plus lime oil and/or lime zest) water chestnut ice cream (a very Chinese flavor) beer ice cream (this just came to me -- I don't know whether it's possible) Dr Pepper ice cream (ditto; I suppose if you let the Dr Pepper go completely flat you could just substitute it for the water, but would it curdle the milk?) no durian ice cream (you know, like plain ice cream, but with even fewer durians) onion dip ice cream (dried onion powder, and if possible, substitute sour cream for some of the regular cream) pumpernickel ice cream (I'm sure it's possible, somehow) cucumber-dill ice cream (always one of my favorite combinations of green things, but only if it's fresh dill -- dried dill sucks) shiitake-walnut-caramel ice cream (I've always thought that chopped shiitake mushrooms and walnuts cooked together in a caramel syrup would be a great dessert -- haven't actually attempted it yet -- but don't you think it would work just as well in ice cream? I saw a reference to "mushroom pecan ice cream" on the Web, I think chewy shiitakes and nice soft cooked walnuts would be the best choices.) Some of those are ones I thunk up, others are ones I've seen mentioned on the Web. I even found a couple recipes for bacon ice cream, but the thing is, most ice cream flavors you really don't need someone to write you a recipe for -- you just make plain ice cream and mix in some extra stuff. Now some ideas that _should_ be forgotten: Moxie ice cream Irwin Mainway's "Bag O' Glass" ice cream flaming magnesium ice cream amoebic dysentery ice cream plaster and instant mashed potato ice cream (just like the stuff they show in commercials) natto ice cream Spaghetti-O ice cream aloe ice cream William Shatner's hair ice cream -- K. The last two are available at Trader Joe's. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Centillion Years Pop Quiz Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 16:31:14 -0400 In alt.religion.kibology, jonwiley85@yahoo.com wrote: > > jonwiley85@yahoo.com wrote: > > > > What is the every year of the Centillion Years? > > > > A. 303 > > B. 600 > > C. 909 > > D. 999 > > E. None of the Above > > The Answer is 303. Jon, you shouldn't let that crazy guy troll you like that. Don't fall for his stupid tricks, you're not half as dumb as he is. Everyone knows the answer is "E. None of the Above", because the correct factor is "6X". Everybody likes "6X". Do you enjoy "6X"? Does your family enjoy "6X" with you? Have you ever demonstrated "6X" to all the scientists at NASA? -- K. You might want to go in for a checkup, your brain's leaking hydraulic fluid on the floor. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Centillion Years Pop Quiz Date: Fri, 02 Jun 2006 01:27:23 -0400 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > jonwiley85@yahoo.com wrote: > > > > What is the every year of the Centillion Years? > > > > A. 303 > > B. 600 > > C. 909 > > D. 999 > > E. None of the Above > > > 909 is a new number. 909 is not a number! It's the result of the power company and the phone company merging in upstate New York. Nynonyne. As opposed to anine, which is simply a Web site with a search tool that gets worse every time you pretend to use it just to get the square-root-of-negative-pi discount at Amazon.com. They used to provide the same search results as Google, except with your choice of four slightly different invisible pastel colors for the background, but now they answer every question by holding you down and screaming "MICROSOFT MICROSOFT MICROSOFT" into your ear until blood comes out the other year but if the blood drips on the floor you'll never find it, at least not with anine. That site is completely anine. -- K. So which would be bigger, a trillion centillion years or a centrillion years? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hasselhoff, the face of Australia's cola-lovin' generation Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 17:38:05 -0400 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > [...] > > If it's any help, I saw David Hasselhoff in our local Ikea this week. > He wasn't drinking a Coke. Anyway, I went up to him and said "you > wanker". He said "I'm sorry?" so I punched him in the nose. Oh, he > pretended not to know what I was talking about ... but he knew. He > knew, alright. > > And don't pretend you wouldn't have done the same. I would've first made sure he came to the Ikea by public transit, 'cause I wouldn't want to get beat up by his gay car. So was he eating those awful Swedish-style meat-flavored balls? The one meal I've had in an Ikea was incredibly disappointing, even as theme-park food in faux-Swedish fŸrn•tŸre st¿res goes. Plus the chef never once threw the terrible little meatballs at the ceiling while yelling "B¯RK B¯RK B¯RK", so the Ikea wasn't even as realistic as "The Muppet Show"! Also they didn't have HŠagen-Dazs or Swedish Fish, and they didn't even give me the Stockholm Syndrome. And instead of David Hasselhoff they had Marjoe Gortner. But other than that it was just like going to a really crappy theme park where the whirling teacups cost $500 and were still two-dimensional until you took them home and punched them out of their sawdust-and-collagen matrix. Definitely not as exciting as the Bata Shoe Museum or that place in Philadelphia that has the world's largest human colon. What was the name of that place again? Oh, yeah, the David Hasselhoff Museum. -- K. Worst episode of "Fantasy" ever. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Leatherman saves the day... Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2006 23:00:14 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@gmail.com) wrote: > > Otto Bahn (oTTopantyhoseBahn@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > > > News sources are reporting that a Leatherman was instrumental > > > in helping several Dallas Zoo visitors escape the path of a > > > rampaging gorilla earlier this month. > > > > Kibo saves! > > Moses invests! > > Buddha pays dividends! Kibo wraps Moses! Kibo cuts Buddha! Kibo crushes Otto! I keep thinking more kids would play "Rock, Scissors, Paper" if Milton Bradley sold a box with a rock in it and a pair of scissors in it and a page of instructions you could use for the paper. They could make a fortune selling refills! Kids would have to buy a new rock every time the old one got wrapped! -- K. Gorillas don't rampage. They are gentle creatures who only eat people who deserve to be eaten for looking at zoo animals the wrong way. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Leatherman saves the day... Date: Sat, 03 Jun 2006 15:28:44 -0400 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Kibo cuts Buddha! > > ... with a Hanzo sword! ...which can still slice this tomato wafer-thin! Except it's impossible to slice a wafer that's tomato-thin, because sword crumbles wafer! You're just lucky I don't have the "Hanzo The Razor" films in my collection yet. I just got some of the "Shinobi No Mono" movies, and the beautiful Criterion version of "The Hidden Fortress", so I probably will be seeing a lot of katana action this weekend. Unless I decide to watch that movie about the woman making out with the octopus instead. Hmm... Or I could just cut right to the chase and read the "Ichi The Killer" manga to see a bunch of people being sliced tomato-thin. I bet Kakihara cuts Buddha and makes him cry. I say we need to stage a showdown between Kakihara and Quentin Tarantino and see which way the blood flies. Yay for blood! Also I want all the magic powers from "Legendary Weapons Of China", especially the ability to telepathically cause self-castration. Why bother with a sword when you can make people do that? And the best part of the "I'm gonna make ya rip yer nuts off by pointing at you" power is that it's invulnerable to rock, scissors, or paper. Thus, it's the ultimate weapon! Unlike those "steak" sandwiches Burger King uses to have, which were only invulnerable to scissors. I don't know why I've been thinking about those sandwiches lately. It seems to happen every time I think about gory violence. -- K. Those were the most evil sandwiches ever. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Cars Are Watching! Date: Fri, 02 Jun 2006 01:08:32 -0400 A Wall Street Journal article from a couple months ago. I know it's old, but what the hey, better late than on time but in crayon. [articles.news.aol.com] -> -> Why Cars Got Angry -> -> Seeing Demonic Grins, Glaring Eyes? Auto Makers Add Edge to Car -> 'Faces'; Say Goodbye to the Wide-Eyed Neon -> -> By Jonathan Welsh, The Wall Street Journal -> -> Kirk Perry wanted a vehicle that would haul his family and tow a -> bass boat. He discovered an SUV with all that plus another -> feature he likes -- a really mean expression. "Kirk Perry" is a ridiculous name. Like "Captain Shazbot Shatner" or "Spockibo". I heard that the Nomad probe self-destructed because it could not accept that Kirk Perry's name wasn't an acronym for "Knowledge Is Really Kool". -> "I like the wide, snarling look," the 50-year-old small-business -> owner in Lake Owassa, N.J., says of the Audi Q7, which he plans -> to buy when it comes out this spring. "It reminds me of the movie -> 'The Mummy' -- when the monster comes out of the ground and -> starts swallowing everything." "WOW THIS CAR REMINDS ME OF AN IDIOTIC MOVIE REMAKE FOR THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLDS, I BETTER BUY IT!!!" -> Car makers have long talked about the "face" of a car -- -> headlights for eyes, grille for a mouth and the bumper as jaws -- -- ever since the Edsel was designed to mimic the look of Henry Ford's hideously deformed nephew, who spent all his time eating vertical bananas. -> and auto designers say the difference between a hit and a flop -> may come down to a vehicle's visage. Car makers used to strive -> for an inviting face, but lately they're pushing an edgier look: -> Car faces that look meaner, angrier and, at times, even downright -> evil. That's fine for New York City, but I think Boston drivers would prefer a car that looks recklessly stupid and has an expression that conveys that its brain will seize up every time it comes to the exact center of an intersection. Seriously, is there something in the water supply here which causes what I call Weekend Intersection Narcolepsy? WIN is a trademark of the Boston area. You pull the car halfway into the intersection, then you take a little brain nap for a few minutes when you realize that you don't know where you're going but you didn't have to think about that until you were far enough into the intersection to block all lanes in all directions. Anyone who drives through Boston on a weekend is at risk of suddenly taking a WIN, leading to a fatal WIN doze crash. -> For its new 3-Series sedan, BMW gave the headlights a slanted -> effect, like downturned eyebrows. Some concept cars are more -> extreme, with Hyundai's HCD9 Talus featuring a gaping grille and -> headlights divided by a horizontal, goat's-eye-style slit. The Hyundai Revelation will have a whole bunch of those. "Driving is a rapture!" -> The Dodge Charger, which came out last summer, has headlight pods -> shaped like a tiger's eyes. "The Charger's eyes are definitely -> its greatest assets. The headlights seem to make eye contact the -> same way people do on the street," says Dodge and Chrysler -> designer Ralph Gilles. "A mean face is what we're going for." Why -> all the anger? Menacing front ends may appeal to drivers -> threatened by oversized SUVs and intimidated by the dangers of -> the highway, some designers say. Or maybe the fact that the people who overpay the most for cars -- and therefore the ones who are the target of the car companies -- are the ones with the greatest need for their car to say "LOOK MY CAR IS EVEN BIGGER THAN MY GIGANTINY PENIS! I MEANT GIGANTIC! NOT TINY! MY TINY PENIS IS GIGANTIC!" -> [...] "An aggressively styled car says, 'Get out of my way.' " "Yay, now that I have a car with slightly different headlights I no longer have to try to miss the pedestrians I'm zooming towards!" -> All of this represents a big mood swing from the designs of -> recent decades. When Dodge introduced its 1995 Neon compact, its -> ad campaign featured the car's face -- round headlights like -> wide, friendly eyes -- and the slogan "Hi." This spring Dodge is -> releasing the Neon's replacement, the Caliber, which has big, -> square headlight pods and a grille that resembles a gun-sight's -> cross hairs. The Caliber's slogan: "It's Anything But Cute." Eventually they'll realize that the perfect car would be one which is both macho and sissy at the same time. Probably exactly like a Trans Am with voice of William Daniels. -> [...] Even Volkswagen's iconic Beetle, with its rounded -> headlight-eyes and a hood that forms a smile, saw sales fall last -> year to 36,000 units, from 42,000 in 2004. Well, then, they'll just have to re-issue a version with the original swastikas. -> In general, buyers place great emphasis on the front of a car. -> About 70% of drivers identify and judge vehicles by the -> headlights and grille, ...because stupid Ralph Nader won't let us have tail fins any more. Thanks a lot, safety jerk. -> and 88% of men and 64% of women say they prefer cars with -> distinctive front ends, up from 73% and 42% in 1985, says -> CNW Marketing Research of Bandon, Ore. I want to meet these people who shouted "YES INDEED I PREFER CARS WITH INDISTINCT FRONT ENDS!" while buying boxes of "Food" to take home to their windowless, doorless cube and wearing unisex clothing. Come to think of it, even the people who lived like that in "THX-1138" had those super-cool race cars covered in hoses and strobe lights. I guess the people who want their cars to look exactly like all other cars probably just masturbate to "Sleeper" after fast-forwarding through all the funny parts. -> Seeing Faces -> -> There's nothing accidental about seeing faces in car grilles. In -> fact, carmakers say they're tapping into a hard-wired human -> trait. Ha ha, the Wall Street Journal's logic has finally proved that I'm not human. Now you puny humans will bow down before me! And then bow up! And then bow sideways! -> Babies can discern the features of a face practically from -> birth, developmental psychologists say, and recognize faces even -> in inanimate objects arranged in the pattern of eyes and mouth. I think they're leading up to warning us that next year's cars will look like a colon, a hyphen, a right parenthesis, and a highly overpriced plastic clip to hold your MySpace phone. It's the Emoticar! For the low price of only 11111111!!!!!!!!!!!111 -> [...] -> -> Cars and Dogs -> -> Not all carmakers are in touch with anger. The Mini Cooper, made -> by BMW, has doelike headlights and sold 41,000 last year, up 13% -> from the year before. ...and up INFINITY percent since 1066! -> Honda is also sticking mostly with friendly appearances: -> The company ran a TV ad campaign over the past two years -> that cut between human faces and Honda front ends to show -> similarities between them. The spots were based on the concept -> that cars, like dogs, may resemble their owners and be seen a -> friendly companion, says Honda advertising head Tom Peyton. -> "There are a lot of cars now that look like they are growling at -> you," he says. "But we like to think Hondas are smiling." If people like dogs so much, why don't they just make cars that look like dogs? The pink ones could be poodles, and just think how much fun it would be to attempt to keep a Jack Russell parked! -> [...] -> -> The Swedish look struck the right balance for Lev Berkovich. The -> Los Angeles computer-services project manager says he noticed the -> "shoulders" of his Volvo XC90 sport-utility vehicle, but mostly -> he focused on the front end. "Its face is strong but reserved. It -> reminds me of the actor Charles Bronson -- a tough guy who will -> protect you," he says. Even Mr. Bronson's mustache is there, in -> "a combination of black plastic and rubber on the front bumper." Volvo: The car for closeted gay men with bad taste. Sheesh. If they really want to make a car that looks like a handsome man, why don't they hire the same designers who drew John Redcorn? -> Angry looks may not be here to stay, of course. Auto styling -> trends are cyclical, and the edgiest designs have a history of -> retreating. The weapon-like tailfins of the 1950s gave way to -> milder 1960s styling, As mentioned above, this wasn't due to any sort of progression of taste, it was because of Ralph Nader and Congress and a bunch of lawyers who got all wound up over some people getting tail fins all the way through their abdomens. Sheesh, when even I know more about automotive history than the article's writer, that's a sign the editor was drunk that week. -> while the bulging and ornamented cars of the late 1970s -> died out as slab-sided Chrysler K-Cars and their look-alike -> rivals took over in the following decade. But what about Japanese Spider-Man's Spider Machine GP-7? And while we're on the subject of weird cars from Japan, how about the Hierarchymobile from Kinju Fukusaku's "The Green Slime"? Someone in Japan was thinking, "Well, they might have an Olympics on that space station, and the people who win the gold, silver, and bronze will have to go up to that weird-shaped podium, but this is the future so they should already all be at the different heights while they're driving across the rollerball rink towards it." Anyway, I think if they made a car that looks like the Spider Machine GP-7, it would make the most people get out of your way, especially once you docked it with Leopardon and transformed them into Marvelo. -> The latest version of Mazda's Miata sports car shows just how -> much the market has changed. The original, which rolled out in -> 1989, was a big hit in part because of its friendly looks. The -> ends of its grille turned upward in an obvious grin, and its -> pop-up headlights made it look like a winking cartoon character. That reminds me, did everyone here buy a copy of "Putt-Putt And Pep's Birthday Surprise"? If not, you missed out on a valuable opportunity to learn how to secretly measure dog necks. -> Though a big seller, the Miata was seen by many buyers as a -> "chick car," says Ken Seward, Mazda's lead designer. In 1999's -> version, the smile morphed into more of a smirk. The newest -> version features headlights with a more extreme slant. "The -> original Miata had a happy smile," says Mr. Seward. "The new one -> has more of a sly grin." But does it still have that glove compartment that's big enough to contain a live puppy with an unknown neck size? Also, where did they get that special yellow Miata for the movie "Corky Romano"? You know, the one that looked like it wanted to shoot itself to escape the terminal unfunniness? -> 'Bite Your Head Off' -> -> Toyota, known for some of the most sedate-looking cars on the -> market, is also going mean. Toyota has restyled its -> family-friendly Camry over the past few years to make it more -> aggressive, and the 2007 model due out later this year has -> headlights that sweep further back into the fenders, like a leer, -> and a hood that flows into a hawklike grill. The maker also -> reworked the front of its new Rav4 SUV to give it a more -> pronounced grille and downturned headlights it thought would -> appeal to male buyers. (Men previously accounted for only 25% of -> Rav4 sales.) Well, duh. That's 'cause "Toyota" isn't spelled H-A-R-L-E-Y, H-U-M-V-E-E, or T-I-E-F-I-G-H-T-E-R. -> Even one of the car world's aging stars has undergone a face -> lift. In reconceiving the Ford Mustang, a model that dates to the -> muscle cars of the 1960s, designer J Mays says he didn't spend -> much time with focus groups. "I pretty well knew what we were -> going to do," he says. Still, he showed photos of his concept car -> to members of Oklahoma City's Dead Horse Mustang Club. When they -> told him it "wasn't beefy enough," he widened the front end -> slightly, then enlarged and squared off the air inlets to affect -> more of a snarl. The top edges of the round headlights were cut -> off slightly, for "a sinister eyelid," he says. "Frankly, it -> looks like it will bite your head off." It's the 2007 Ford Vaginadentata! -- K. Dear car makers, If you don't want your cars to look like blobs of suck, HIRE ME SO YOU CAN STOP CRYING INTO YOUR LITE BEER, YOU ROUNDED- CAR-DESIGNIN' COMFILON-WEARIN' TWEEDLE-TWERPS. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Cars Are Watching! Date: Fri, 02 Jun 2006 01:53:47 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That reminds me, did everyone here buy a copy of > > "Putt-Putt And Pep's Birthday Surprise"? If not, you missed > > out on a valuable opportunity to learn how to secretly measure > > dog necks. > > I couldn't find it or the Pyjama Sam game "life's rough when you > lose your stuff". That's because your bedroom is so messy. You should always be neat and tidy, like me. It should be spotless like my apartment (poor Spot!), and not look like an entire biker gang lives there. Also you should have bright blue hair, not completely normal hair like mine. Finally, you should walk around in feety pajamas, not in the official solid gold ninja uniform of the President Of The United States like me. Did they actually retitle the game "Pyjama Sam" for those countries that haven't invented the word "Pajama" yet? It would ruin the educational value of the game if it taught kids to spell "Pajama" wrong! "Y" IS NOT AND NEVER SHALL BE A VOWEL! Hmm, a Web search tells me that the other games in the series were released in French and German with the "y". I don't know whether "Life's Rough When You Lose Your Stuff" got released overseas, 'cause after all, it's a game about hygiene, and nobody wants Americans to teach the world good hygiene. [www.atari.com] -> -> Sam a choisi "Pyjama" comme surnom ˆ cause de son super-hŽros -> de bandes dessinŽes, Pyjama Man. -> -> [...] -> -> Il aime aussi beaucoup le fromage. Ewwwwwwwwwwwww. They ruined Pajama Sam! -> En ce qui concerne son look, Sam a essayŽ tous les meilleurs -> produits coiffants, mais ni gel , ni mousse, ni spray ne -> parviennent ˆ faire tenir ses cheveux en place ! Well, duh. Sam gave up on hair products after he decided he liked the moldy blue look. Now he's got natural blue hippie hair, free of chemicals and gelato. Everyone knows Putt-Putt is the one who uses Turtle Wax, made from one of Freddi Fish's friends who couldn't solve a logic puzzle. -- K. I heard Japan made a live-action "Pajama Sam" show where he fought giant space squids and could fly and was named Honko McWackenburl and was 90 years old and a Yakuza with an infinite number of fingers so he could chop another one off in every episode. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Rugby players are sissys! Date: Fri, 02 Jun 2006 02:11:33 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I wouldn't want to be hit by my friend's handbag, it weighs a few pounds > at least and she often carries an 'emergency beer' in there also. I heard that Australian beer cans are so big because you people don't know how to get drunk fast enough. > [www.smh.com.au] > -> > -> NZ rugby player hit with handbag, cries Okay, next question. I know that an Australian rugby player is called a "footy", but I'm told that an Australian biker is a "bikie". What's with the "y"-vs-"ie" discrepancie, you Aussy bozie? Also, "biker" is a manly word: "BIKERRRRRRRRRR" sounds like an engine noise made by a pirate on a motorcycle on a ship with a V-twin engine built by even tougher pirates. "BIKIEEEEEEEEE" sounds like something that'd get yelled during that movie where Sammo Hung wears pantyhose. ("Pantyhose Hero" is one of those movies designed specifically to appeal to anyone who wanted to know if there was a way to make Sammo Hung even less sexy. "Look out! It's a fat guy with bad skin and a Moe Howard haircut with a skunk stripe, but this time he's wearing pantyhose! BIKIEEEEEEEEEEEE!") > -> An investigation has been launched into allegations Hurricanes player > -> Chris Masoe punched a patron in the face at a Christchurch bar before > -> being hit on the head with a woman's handbag by teammate Tana Umaga. > -> > -> A 24-year-old Christchurch man, who did not want to be named, told The > -> Press newspaper he was in the Jolly Poacher pub around 7am Sunday when > -> the incident occurred. I heard the Jolly Poacher is a square candy that tastes like eggs. > -> He said Masoe, who had been drinking and playing pool with Umaga and at > -> least one other Hurricanes player, tripped over his feet while he was > -> sitting at the bar. > -> > -> Masoe then turned and allegedly punched him in the jaw. > -> > -> "He just hit me in the side of the jaw. I was real shocked. I thought > -> 'what the hell'. It just came out of nowhere," the man said. > -> > -> "...Then Umaga hit him a couple of times with the handbag as if to say > -> 'you idiot'. Masoe started crying. It was crazy." Head injuries will do that. I randomly cried once while I was recovering from a concussion, but fortunately I'm okay now. Head injuries will do that. I randomly cried once while I was recovering from a concussion, but fortunately I'm okay now. > -> [...] > -> > -> The Hurricanes lost the final 12-19 to the Crusaders on Saturday night. As if Australia ever participated in a Crusade. You'll never be as good as Americans until you do. -- K. Next week Bush is going to bomb the Vatican because our intelligence reveals the Pope might be selling weapons of mass destruction to his close personal friend Adolf Hitler. Head injuries will do that. I randomly cried once while I was recovering from a concussion, but fortunately I'm okay now. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: ROUND CLOCKS ARE GAY and other cubic news Date: Fri, 02 Jun 2006 02:41:16 -0400 Hey! Remember the "Time Cube" guy? The one who thought the doctrine that there was only one sunrise and one sunset per day was going to turn your children homosexual? This week, Gizmodo had a link to a new product from Hong Kong. It is The Time Cube! Order your Time Cube today: http://watch.brando.com.hk/prod_detail.php?prod_id=00020&dept_id=001&cat_id=007 product image mirrored at: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_06_time_cube_clock.jpg The pointy parts twist around, because everyone wants constantly-rotating sharp objects on their desk at all times. Also, it has "Originality Design". I'm not sure, but I think I saw eight of them in the movie "Demon Seed" strangling Gerrit Graham. You can still find the nutty "Time Cube" guy's Web site at http://www.timecube.com ...but you would already know that if you weren't an EDUCATED STUPID GAY. You can only get the truth from Web sites that have 500-foot-tall pages in 36-point underlined boldface italic in at least 9000 colors per sentence. I'll save you the trouble of reading the giant pile of wackoness. The highlights: -> Educators fear me, they cower and run. -> 6 sides constitutes a sextet -- not a Cube. -> Teaching that a Cube has '6 sides' with -> no top & bottom, induces an evil curse -> that pervades all academic institutions. -> Are you content as a singularity queer? -> I offer evil ass Harvard students $10,000.00 -> to disprove Nature's Cubic Creation Principle. -> You maybe academically retarded. -> Cubelessness is a human evil,Ênegating human right to live. -> 3 EQUATOR 4 CORNER EARTH TIME ROTATES 96 HOURS AS A SIMULTANEOUS 4 DAY CUBE. -> GOD IS CORNERED AS A QUEER. -> Old Hold For New Construction. -- K. I say the Earth is actually a giant Hello Kitty face, and the only way to disprove that would be to show me a photo of the Earth's mouth. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Church Bells Date: Sat, 03 Jun 2006 15:58:51 -0400 In alt.religion.kibology, Ernest Slyman (interesting122000@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Church Bells > > Reverend Frank Quigley of Bristol, Tennessee says, "Churchbells. You hear > them on Sundays. They call us by our names. Ding dong, ding dong. Listen more closely. They're actually saying "Ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling." Or in your neighborhood, "Ding dumb, ding dumb." > And what does that mean? Churchbells seem to understand us in a way > that nothing else does. Eh, go talk to the clapper. > Ding dong, ding dong. What are they saying? It's all of human > understanding -- ding dong ding dong. All we know. Listen. It's amazing > to hear churchbells. They tell us things. I hate to tell you this, but it's actually doorbells that go "ding dong, ding dong" to tell you important things. You'd know that if you ever had friends over. > All human compassion. And where ever we go they follow us. Ding dong, ding > dong. They touch us lightly on the arm. Pat our backs. Nudge us toward > places we don't know. They grab us by the arm, > they grab us by the leg. Yeah, right, it was the _bells_ that put the priest's fingerprints all over your special area. > They won't let go. They somehow get inside us. They want to change us. > Make us see things. > Make us believe in ourselves." (More at link below) So your position is that bells communicate ultimate wisdom, but instead we should just go look at the Web? Why are you trying to keep us from going outside and listening to the church bells mounted on the local ice cream truck? You're evil. You're worse than the Church Of Satan's church bells and bagpipes combined! And you won't believe the weird genetic experiments Anton LaVey had to do to combine them. Every time someone pulls on the rope, instead of ringing, the bell-bagpipe hybrids just yell "PLEASE KILL ME!" It's really not funny when you think about it. > The Evangelical Spectator > http://evangelicalspectator.typepad.com/ Okay, I'm game. I'll go look at your salted nutblog... -> Man Turns Stone Into Bread -> -> A Baptist minister in Charlotte, North Carolina turned stone -> into bread. "I was amazed," Reverend Ollie Akers said. "It was -> as big a surprise to me anybody else. We'd run out of hot dog buns, -> hamburger buns and regular sandwich bread at our church picnic, -> you see. And how was them hungry people suppose to eat?" So basically, modern biblical theology is plagiarized from a mediocre Chow Yun-Fat movie? But at least he could do kung fu while eating Cocoa Puffs. I tried that and spilled my Cocoa Puffs when I killed some guy. I have failed and now I miss my Cocoa Puffs. -> Donkey Speaks To Crowd -> -> A donkey addressed a crowd of twenty-two bystanders at a Bristol, -> Tennessee shopping mall. -> -> We don't know what the donkey was talking about. He talked pretty fast. You do a pretty good John Winston impression, except you forgot to spell it "d-nkey". -> Pig Robs Bank -> -> A pig robbed a bank today in Limestone, Tennessee. It came into -> the First National Bank, carrying a paper-bag and a gun. The pig -> demanded the teller fill up the bag with cash. -> -> The pig drove away in red convertible driven by his accomplice a goat. Come right out and say it. You want me to draw a webcomic for you, right? -> Last Sunday -> -> Last Sunday in Dilling, Tennessee, a man sitting in the second row -> of St Bartholomew church burst into flames and shot out the window -> in a ball of fire. -> -> He was nibbling M&Ms. Serves him right. Okay, you win. I'll be happy to illustrate your brilliant wacky weblog for you in traditional webcomic style (you know, the style that looks like anyone can draw it), for only half my usual rates, plus a jar of nothing but the red M&Ms. The _original_ red M&Ms, not the new ones. If we collaborated, we could be the next "Pokey The Penguin", except without the penguin. M&Ms are so much easier to draw. -> Forbidden Fruit -> -> The forbidden fruit now is available as a yogurt topping. Cut it out, John. -> Angels Rough Up Man -> -> Tommy Mumpower of Johnson City, Tennessee, a twenty-seven -> year-old certified public accountant, complained to police -> that two big, brawny angels knocked on his door last Sunday. Now you've gone too far. Accusing the Hell's Angels of knocking politely before they roughed up someone who deserved it. They'd never knock, especially if the guy was a certified accountant. All certified accountants should be whomped. Anyway, you're a lot better than the Weekly World News at the same form of comedy. Certainly more concise, at least in this form where I only quoted the part of each article up to the punchline. Good work. Keep it up and eventually you might get a spot on The Daily Show, if I have anything to do with it. But I don't have anything to do with it, so maybe you should get an agent or something. -- K. P.S. So what's your opinion on Reese's Pieces? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Noooooooooooooooooo! They keep on extruding these movies! Date: Sat, 10 Jun 2006 23:10:46 -0400 So I was wondering how the "Pac-Man" movie was coming along. While checking up on Crystal Sky -- the people who made "Baby Geniuses", "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2", and the upcoming Nicholas Cage "Ghost Rider" -- I stumbled across something even more horrible than their announcement a couple years of the "Pac-Man" movie. "Baby Geniuses 3". That's right, they're going to see if they can make an even worse one. #1 sucked. #2 supersucked. And #3? Well... We'll find out. [www.crystalsky.com] -> -> In Pre Production -> -> Baby Geniuses 3 -> -> The follow up to the incredibly successful Baby Geniuses 1 and 2. ->Ê After the babies complain about how the adults never let them do -> anything, they wake up to find themselves in a world turned -> upside down where the babies are in control and the parents need -> to be taken care of!Ê It is up to our team of baby geniuses to -> figure out how to get back home while they also learn a valuable -> lesson in the importance of family. "incredibly successful"? Hmm, maybe they meant to type "incredibly suck-cesspool", but that wouldn't make any sense, even though it would be true. The exciting part is that this time the babies will be "complaining". The babies will be constantly complaining with their supergenius powers of complaining! Even more fun than getting on an airplane and sitting next to a crying baby, see a bunch of supercomplaining babies on the big screen for ninety minutes! Seriously, if anyone can find a way to make a film even worse than the second one, it's these people. Prepare your mind to experience a new scale of unwatchability. Hurry up and line your fallout shelter with movie-proof foil! All references to the "Pac-Man" movie have been removed from their list of films, though the 2004 press releases about it are still there. Also the little mockup poster for their pretend movie is still there if you can guess the filename, which I did: http://www.crystalsky.com/images/miniposters/pacman.jpg I am sad that the "Pac-Man" movie may have turned out to not actually exist. I was hoping that someday we would see "Pac-Man 5 Vs. Baby Geniuses 17: The Final Chapter 8", with Jon Voight as The Guy Who Makes A Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo Noise With His Mouth For Ninety Minutes and Nicholas Cage as all the babies. -- K. Maybe it would help if I told these people that there really was once a pinball machine named "Baby Pac-Man" (not to be confused with "Pac-Man Jr.", which didn't have flippers. Baby Pac-Man had flippers, possibly because of all the thalidomide in the blinking pills. So I demand "Baby Pac-Man Geniuses: The Super Movie", whether or not that's a terrible idea!