From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: God is fair Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 00:18:33 -0400 In sci.physics, kurtstocklmeir@earthlink.net wrote: > > A person who is good will not kiss any girl who has bodies of animals > between her teeth. > > A girl can not be sexy if she has bodies of animals between her teeth. > > Kurt Stocklmeir Dear Kurt, Speaking as a person who eats nothing but veal-fed veal, bacon-fed ham, and ham-fed Spam, I am really sexy. Is it because I am not a girl? Or am I not as sexy as I think I am in the physics newsgroup? Your only friend, Kibo! The exclamation point is there to prove that bacon is good! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: yadda yadda salty balls ho-hum yadda Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 00:59:44 -0400 Articles like this are why I keep searching newsfeeds for the word "dodecahedron". The dodecahedron is the wackiest Platonic solid, with the exception of the bacohedron. [www.foodnavigator.com] -> -> Will round salt revolutionise food development? That depends. Are there parts of the world where people still use salt shakers because they haven't switched to eating pre-oversalted convenience food like good Americans? -> 09/06/2006 -- Two Indian scientists tell FoodNavigator how they -> managed to achieve round salt granules, and what this -> breakthrough could mean for the future of food development. -> Parthasarathi Dastidar and Pushpito K. Ghosh, part of a research -> group from the Central Salt & Marine Chemicals Research Institute -> in Bhavnagar, India, developed the new free-flowing table salt in -> collaboration with a major food company in India. "Parth Dastidar" was my favorite character from Hanna-Barbera's "Star Wars" cartoon. However, he was always accompanied by an annoying toddler who kept pointing out that he was wearing "Pushpito K. Ghosh" brand overalls. His name was Spridle, and he hid in the Mach 5 during The Race To Make Salt Have Less Sharp Corners For Extra Safety. It was the wackiest "Wacky Races" / "Speed Racer" / "Star Wars" crossover since "The Wacky Races & Speed Racer & Star Wars Fourth Of July Special" starring Brett Somers and Allen Ludden singing "Salt Is Nature's Toothbrush" and "Hey, Look, They're Hardly Animating Boba Fett". Also starring the voice of Arnold Stang as Path Dastidar and Salty The Corroded Droid as himself. -> The breakthrough could impact numerous food makers. -> -> "Standard common salt tends to cake easily, especially under -> humid summer conditions," Dr Pushpito Ghosh told FoodNavigator. No, kitchen slaves tend to cake. Or in Einstein's case, he made his wife do it. He cared not for cake. Einstein preferred a nice lemon meringue, because cake are round, pie are square, rrrrrrr Einstein crush Superman! "Look out, Jimmy Olsen! The blue Einsteinium has turned Professor Albert Einstein into Bizarro Einstein, the only person on Bizarro World to not have invented the atomic bomb!" "Rrrrrrrr! Me punch Superman while combing my hair neatly!" "A blast from my sanity vision should restore your brain to its ordinary geniusness!" *ZEEEEEEEE* "Eat sanity beams, Bizarro Einstein!" "What -- Hey, I'm cured! Gosh, thank you, Superman! I and the entire world of professional physics owe you a debt of gratitude! How much money do we owe you?" "Heh-heh-heh, silly Einstein, you don't have to pay me. Just help me find a way to get this Kryptonite lock off my bicycle and we'll call it even. And by the way, before you go back to work, you should muss up your hair the way it's supposed to be." THE END... OR WAS IT? -> "Moreover, even if there is no caking, the flow of granular -> substances can be retarded (A 1,000-PIECE ACCORDION, KAZOO, HARMONICA, AND BAGPIPE ORCHESTRA PLAYS THE PEOPLE'S LIBERATION ARMY'S MARCH OVER AND OVER FOR TWO HOURS WHILE A MILLION IDENTICAL CHINESE CHILDREN RIDE UNICYCLES IN CIRCLES AROUND SUN WUKONG AND A GIANT SLOT MACHINE WITH PICTURES OF DESK CALCULATORS ON ALL THE REELS. THE LARGEST, TACKIEST, NOISIEST PARADE IN HUMAN HISTORY ENDS WITH AN ACTUAL ATOMIC BOMB BEING DETONATED IN THE MIDDLE OF TIENANMEN SQUARE, FOLLOWED BY SUN WUKONG JUMPING OVER THE MUSHROOM CLOUD. AND NOW, BACK TO THE SENTENCE.) -> by high contact area between the granules. A sphere is the -> best geometry to reduce the latter." Actually, I'd think the best geometry for that would be if all your salt was in one big granule. Because granules cannot touch themselves (it's a sin, according to physics.) -> Ghosh pointed out that any crystalline material such as salt has -> well defined faces. For example, a standard salt crystal is cubic -> in morphology and has six square faces. "cubic in morphology", as opposed to cubic in... what? Hmm, the only other type of cubic I can think of is "cubic in onomatopoeia", which describes Q*Bert: "cu-BIC! cu-BIC! cu-BIC! cu-BIC! cu-BIC! aaaaaaaaaaaaaugh *SMACK* Yeburikshgnurb!" -> [...] -> -> "The basic observation that cubes can be transformed into -> dodecahedron is not new but no one had thought perhaps from the -> angle that we did," said Ghosh. Urgh. Scientists shouldn't make puns about dodecahedral angles. Phi on them! -> [...] -> -> The end result, says Ghosh, is that the food industry has a -> potentially more convenient and aesthetically appealing product -> to offer. The fact that the modified salt contains a trace amount -> of glycine (0.5-1.0 per cent w/w) may also be a boon to the food -> industry since glycine, although non-essential amino acid, is -> known to impart a certain amount of refreshing and sweetish -> flavour. 'Cause, of course, everyone wants their salt to be as sweet as possible. -> [...] -> -> "We also expect that FDA clearance would be simple since glycine -> should be a perfectly acceptable additive in salt." ...as opposed to some chemical that's bad for you, like if they added sodium chloride to stuff. -- K. The new dodecasalt is expected to be popular with "Dungeons & Dragons" nerds, and anyone who liked "The Phantom Tollbooth", assuming there's any difference between the two fan clubs. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: yadda yadda salty balls ho-hum yadda Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 00:51:56 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Heh-heh-heh, silly Einstein, you don't have to pay me. Just help > > me find a way to get this Kryptonite lock off my bicycle and we'll > > call it even. And by the way, before you go back to work, you > > should muss up your hair the way it's supposed to be." > > Einstein liked getting hair-care products and cufflinks from all the school > children in the world for his birthday. All that relativity stuff was just > so he could get free hair gel. He didn't use hair gel. You're thinking of Benjamin Disraeli. THINK ABOUT BENJAMIN DISRAELI'S HAIR! WOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT SCARY HAIR! DISRAELI HAIR! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT IS THE SCARIEST HAIR IN THE WORLD! YOU CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT THE HAIR OF DISRAELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! > Also, he would have to be one of the only people you could get a letter to > by addressing it thusly: > Einstein > USA Big deal. I used to have: Kibo 02116-0722 I win, because his was eleven letters, and mine was only four letters. (Don't bother writing there, that mail drop is long gone.) PBS recently showed some repeat airings of the documentary "Einstein's Wife", about how evil he was to his wife while he was cheating on her. He was one of those husbands who liked to draw up lists of rules for his wife, like "speak only when spoken to". Basically a total slavemaster, except that wasn't what he won his Nobel Prize in. Who knew that Einstein had yet to master normal human social interaction? All along we thought he was a perfectly ordinary super-genius who couldn't tie his own shoes, but it turns out he was maladjusted. I guess not enough people sent him postcards to get him into the Guinness Book so he could be happy. Help retroactively make Einstein happy so that he can posthumously stop beating his wife. Send your postcards to: Einstein USA 1948 Also, for every thousand postcards Einstein receives, our friend Wiblur gets a free dialysis machine and a bag of Tootsie Pops. I know it must be true because Adam and Jamie never said anything about it on "MythBusters". -- K. WOOOOOOO! CREEPY DISRAELI HAIR!!!! http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_06_disraeli_hair_1.jpg ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: yadda yadda salty balls ho-hum yadda Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 01:31:30 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, for every thousand postcards Einstein receives, our friend > > Wiblur gets a free dialysis machine and a bag of Tootsie Pops. > > I know it must be true because Adam and Jamie never said anything > > about it on "MythBusters". > > Why is Jamie the one who always goes underpants shopping all the time on > that show? 'Cause he keeps wearing them out because they rub against the end of that rod that's up his ass. > If Kari fans are bad on the forums for the show, what are the > Jamie fans like? Too gay for the Internet? I think Grant's the sexy one. Adam's a lot of fun and kinda cute, but Grant's the truly sexy one. I've liked him ever since he built his first killer robot on one of those twelve identical robot shows that were on during the same summer five years ago. Guys who build death robots aren't always that handsome, but it sure doesn't hurt. I might even date an average-looking person who can build a good death robot. -- K. But only if they let me use the robot for my own evil purposes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What does "beautiful" mean in this context? Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 01:21:58 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > I can't quite figure this out--from an AP story about the death of > Billy Preston: > > -> Billy Preston, the exuberant keyboardist who landed dream gigs with > -> the Beatles and the Rolling Stones and enjoyed his own series of hit > -> singles including "Outta Space" and "Nothing From Nothing," died > -> Tuesday at 59. > -> > -> Preston's longtime manager, Joyce Moore, said Preston had been in a > -> coma since November in a care facility and was taken to a Scottsdale > -> hospital Saturday after his condition deteriorated. > -> > -> "He had a very, very beautiful last few hours and a really beautiful > -> passing," Moore said by telephone from Germany. > > He was in a coma. His organs were failing. How is that "very, very > beautiful"? Maybe he got better opiates in the hospital than in the > care facility? Being in a coma can be plenty beautiful. Remember, "coma" does not necessarily imply "unconscious". You can have a coma while walking around if you really want to. If you don't believe me, check the Glasgow Coma Scale or wait in line at the motor vehicle bureau. The most common definition of "coma" is a score of 3 to 8 on the Glasgow Coma Scale is a coma (9 to 15 being whatever the opposite of a coma is) though some sources say anything below 15 is at least a light coma. (There are also sources that only go up to 14 instead of 15, and for cases where someone has a tube down their throat an alternative scoring system has to be used.) In any case, "coma" includes lots of aberrant neurological states that someone can still have while being awake. (Unless you score a 3, in which case you're basically a vegetable.) Basically, there's no hard line between "conscious" and "vegetative". There are a whole lot of cognitively-impaired states in the middle. And if those aren't "very, very beautiful", then why did the Beatles and Rolling Stones do all those songs about how hard drugs are fun? If you still don't believe me that there are a lot of people who are in wide-eyed comas, I dare you to take a job providing phone tech support. If you can't get someone to use the correct mouse button when you tell them to right-click, you're talking to a coma patient. -- K. They really should just print "USE THIS BUTTON WHEN TECH SUPPORT TELLS YOU TO RIGHT-CLICK" on that button. Also it should give electric shocks if anyone thinks "single-click" means to click twice. "I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY CHARGED ME TWICE WHEN I DOUBLE-CLICKED 'ADD TO CART'!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: SORRY RELIGION Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 01:36:47 -0400 twillis (thetwillis@yahoo.com) wrote: > > persadot3@yahoo.com wrote: > > > > THIS IS A SORRY SCUMBAG RELIGION. CALL 828.699.3093 TO TALK ABOUT IT. > > RACHEL > > Oh, darn, I was hoping this would be about people who worship the board > game. > > I was always liked the design of the pieces and the bright colors. And it takes significantly less time to play than parcheesi, but with all the boringness intact. For real fun, you want the Chinese version, "airplane chess". I've seen several styles of airplane chess set. You get a board with a "Sorry!" map (i.e. simplified parcheesi) and the tokens are either little molded plastic airplanes or checkers with pictures of airplanes printed on them. My best guess is that some sort of pocket travel "Sorry!" set mutated into a public-domain game when it reached Asia. Now that I have a Chinese chess set (the game with the cannons and one elephant) and a Japanese chess set (the one with the lance and no elephants) I am equipped to take anyone on at any form of chess, except for airplane chess, which I don't have a set for. I kept seeing them when I was shopping for the Chinese and Japanese chess sets. Also because at one store they were right next to the tentacle porn. I need a go set as well (go is also called "Chinese chess" but is not to be confused with the one that has the elephant) because it's been a long time since I've attempted a game of go. I think as far as all the various things called "chess" go, the one with the elephant is the most fun. I mean, it's got cannons! Cannons are inherently fun, even when they're not real! So, in order to combine the fun of Chinese chess with the pretty design of Sorry!, why isn't there a Pop-O-Matic version of Chinese chess? Is it just because the people in Hong Kong don't want to have to redesign that vitally-important thirteen-dollar stamp? -- K. Every time I see that stamp I think of Homer Simpson yelling "YOU SUNK MY SCRABBLE SHIP!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: People in public who just aren't trying. Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 01:55:40 -0400 So, Friday I went to the mall because it was raining for the 39th straight day and I wanted to do something indoors. While at Best Buy (not downloading Nintendo DS game demos from the store's broken Nintendo DS wireless thingie) there was a slacker dude shopping there wearing a bathrobe over a T-shirt. An actual plaid flannel bathrobe, really ratty-looking (unlike the always-pristine one Arthur Dent wore throughout his epic adventures across time and space.) Then, coming home on the Green Line, I saw an older man wearing an old ecru raincoat with hairy legs sticking out underneath. My first thought was "Oh, geez, the '70s subway flasher stereotypes have come out of hibernation," but then I noticed he was wearing a white dress shirt underneath (with the collar sticking out of the raincoat.) He was facing away from me, but his coat was unfastened, so I concluded he wasn't actually a flasher (or if he was, all the other people on the train were too jaded to react.) When he turned to exit, I saw that he wasn't wearing pants, he was wearing gray flannel boxer shorts. Underpants, dress shirt, old raincoat. Thus, in one afternoon I encountered both a person who thought a bathrobe was outdoor clothing and a person who thought underpants were outdoor clothing. Is this some new trend of people waking up an dashing out the door to go shopping without first getting dressed? When I peel myself out of bed, I'm always careful to take off my pajamas and put on some actual leather or camo or something, but I get the feeling a lot of people have decided to erase the line between "clothing only my bed sees me wearing" and "clothing I wear when walking through the rain to the subway." They're allowed, but it just makes me think that these people are so uninterested in participating in society that they have to be careful never to use the word "brains" in a sentence or they'll be mistaken for zombies and shot as they wander around in old, dirty underwear. I hate to think what the next stage of this will be. Maybe these people will start strolling around wearing nothing but diapers. When that happens, I'm never going to go to the mall again. -- K. Suddenly I have a new reason to like Amazon and eBay. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: People in public who just aren't trying. Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 16:31:30 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Thus, in one afternoon I encountered both a person who thought a > > bathrobe was outdoor clothing and a person who thought underpants > > were outdoor clothing. > > Slippers, shoes or flip-flops? I dunno. Why, does your foot fetish depend on people wearing a bathrobe or underpants with some particular type of shoes? Is there a gas pedal involved? A couple people have noted that college students sometimes attend classes in their widdle jammie-jams. But the two people I encountered on Friday weren't on a college campus. They were in the real world where actual human beings could see them. Plus, I have never once encountered college students wearing pajamas to class, even though I went to Emerson College. ^ | EASY-OPEN RESEALABLE PARAGRAPH patent pending -- K. If you think these people wearing underwear in public are weird, you should see how weird the underwear you _don't_ see is. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: People in public who just aren't trying. Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 16:20:05 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I hate to think what the next stage of this will be. Maybe these > > people will start strolling around wearing nothing but diapers. > > Are you trying to tell me you've seen pictures of me from November 1, > 1986? Of course. Didn't you know it made the newspapers? "HALLOWEEN PARTY LEAVES MAN INCONTINENT" was splattered across the front page. Also printed on it. The entire world saw you on your diapered walkabout. Haven't you learned that the purpose of the American newspaper industry is to maintain social conformity by printing embarrassing photographs of grown men walking around in diapers? Shame on you for wearing a diaper in public and not understanding the secret anti-bozo agenda of the legitimate news media. You sicken me. Again. I implore you -- it's now time for you to take off those diapers. You're graduating to big-boy pants. And you have many brands to choose from: Garanimals, Health-Tex, Oshkosh B'Gosh, McKids, or just an ordinary T-shirt with "I AM NOT WEARING DIAPERS UNDER THIS" written on it in crayon. > Fortunately, it was unseasonably warm and dry that week. Had the > night been at all dank, the cheesy black nylon vampire cape would have > been frightfully insufficient. This isn't going to turn into one of those Ed Wood porn films where Criswell puts on an angora sweater and a diaper, is it? Because if it is, I'm going to change the channel so fast it'll make your head spin. I'm sure there must be something better on, like maybe an Andy Warhol game show where the object is to not do anything for nine hours. -- K. So how drunk was Criswell in "Orgy Of The Dead"? "THROW GOLD AT HER! I'VE HIT BOTTOM! MORE GOLD!" Sadly, even Criswell refused to appear in Wood's even sleazier "Necromania", the highlight of which was a woman giving a man a blowjob in Criswell's coffin. Eww. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: sexy migraines Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 02:11:31 -0400 Fark.com just posted a link to this exciting Oliver Sacks slashfic: [www.thesun.co.uk] -> -> Darling! I've got headache -> -> By James Clothier -> -> PEOPLE who suffer migraines have a higher sex drive, research -> revealed yesterday. Hmm, you know, I haven't had a migraine in a while... -> Those who get the extreme headaches reported levels of sexual -> desire that were 20 per cent higher than normal, the study found. -> -> Experts think it may mean that migraines are caused by the same -> brain chemical that controls human sex drive. Actually, in men, _everything_ is caused by the same brain chemicals that control sex drive. -> Men taking part in the study of 68 people reported levels of -> sexual desire that were 24 per cent higher than women. ...at last proving that John Lennon really was higher than Yoko Oko! -> But women with migraines only had a sex drive similar to men with -> tension headaches. So let's see. Everybody gets tension headaches. Most people have sex drive. A few people get migraines. I like to think I give people migraines. What do I win? -> Timothy Houle, of Wake Forest University Medical School, North -> Carolina, said: "The results support the idea that migraine, as a -> syndrome, is associated with other common phenomena. -> -> "Understanding of this link will help us to better understand the -> nature of migraine and perhaps lead to improved treatment. -> -> "Sexual desire and migraine headaches may be influenced by the -> same brain chemical." ...especially if you get a large brick of it and hit yourself over the head with it, then drill a hole in the brick and have sex with it. I predict a huge market for sexy bricks of migraine chemicals. -- K. If migraines are linked to sex, why are migraine auras such unsexy colors? I think deep red and black and bronze are sexy colors, but my migraines involve a rotating snake with the goofy magenta and green stripes. Magenta is as far from sexy as snakes get! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: tweet, tweet Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 02:36:54 -0400 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I just bought 3 cockatiels at a yard sale. I don't know why except they > are pretty danged cool. So have you trained them to stop cursing yet? > The worst part is my mini-pin started licking his chops when I brought > them in. You have a mini-pinguino? Cool! Do you keep him in the freezer in an ice cube tray? Anyway, I am surprised to find out that you bought living captive organisms at a yard sale. Didn't you worry that these _used_ critters might be part of a plot by Al-Qaeda to infect Americans with bird flu by selling them through untraceable yard sales that don't even collect sales tax? Cocaktiels are cute, though my favorite bird is still that mockingbird I once saw while I was walking around the Big Dig. He was sitting about twenty feet away from me and put on quite a show, at least a dozen songs. Why would you ever need any other birds when you could just get a mockingbird and let him do impressions of every other species? Since I live on the seventh floor (and not near any large trees) I rarely get to see any birds other than the occasional pigeon. I'm just up too high and too far from the park. (It's not like the areas of Cambridge that are right by the river, where ducks and geese just wander around.) On the plus side, this area is enough of an asphalt jungle that I don't get a lot of mosquitoes. -- K. Idea: Train a mockingbird to sing the theme from "Enterprise" and then make nerds pay not to listen to him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: tweet, tweet Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 02:58:21 -0400 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@Gmail.com) wrote: > > > > phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > > > I just bought 3 cockatiels at a yard sale. I don't know why except > > > they are pretty danged cool. The worst part is my mini-pin started > > > licking his chops when I brought them in. > > > > What waste of skin would sell cockatiels at a yard sale to just anyone > > who stumbled out of a 4x4, pushed his cap back, spit, scatched his > > nuts, and finally said "How much ta take them birds offa yer hands?"? > > He said he was having a yard sale to raise money to paint his house. It > really, really, really needs painting. Bird poop makes paint peel. (I think that's one of the most beautiful sentences in the English language, and I call dibs on having originated it before that Shakespeare guy steals it for one of the video nasties he keeps writing.) > > And it's MIN-PIN, not "mini-pin." MIN-PIN. > > I know 'technically' it is 'min-pin' but I like saying 'mini-pin' > better. I like the way it falls out of my mouth. Besides, it is my doggy > and I can call it whatever I want. If you complain once more, I am going > to start calling him my DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY! I dare you to say "DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY" around the birds until they start taking on the responsibility of saying it for you, whether or not they're the type of birds that are supposed to talk. (Everyone who watches lots of TV knows that cockatiels can speak in complete sentences to solve murder mysteries.) I think the consensus is that most cockatiels like to mimic sounds but not many of them pick up as much human speech as some of the larger, more evil birds such as parrots and Froot Loops mascots. If you get them to say "DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY", that would be about the upper limit of what you can get from cockatiels, therefore that's what you should aim for. DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY! Also try "Bird poop makes paint peel." > > I don't mean that YOU fit the above description--- just that the > > seller clearly might have sold the birds to someone fitting that > > description. > > He expressed that concern but he said I looked like a nice guy and he > was relieved he didn't end up having to sell them to someone that fit > the above description. Beside, I live in alabama and someone like you > said wouldn't buy them because they wouldn't last long in a fighting > ring. Also not much meat on 'em so 'em's not eatin' birds like flying squirrels is. -- K. So which of the birds has the purtiest mouth? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: One man's hazmat is another's cleaning fluid. Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 16:40:31 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I saw a bottle of this in a restaurant toilet: > > Sona kiselina > (Hlorovodoni€Łna kiselina HCl 16-20%) "But, M'sieur Adam, our restaurant, she does not have ze toilettes. I think you have mistaken ze salad bar." Hydrochloric acid is okay, but if you really want deadly chemicals, go to Home Depot and get a bottle of drain opener. You can still buy gallon jugs of lye! The only drain openers they sell at supermarkets and drugstores are wussy things consisting of weak hydrochloric acid plus mucilage and perfume, but at Home Depot they have lye. (I use Pequa brand, which is just lye with bile green coloring to make it prettier.) Does anyone know a good recipe for lye ice cream? -- K. I just bought one of those old Cuisinart ice cream makers that can make two flavors at the same time. So I could do half lye, half habanero, and let them cancel each other out on somebody's tongue! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: One man's hazmat is another's cleaning fluid. Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 00:34:41 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I could do half lye, half habanero, and let them cancel > > each other out on somebody's tongue! > > Is there such a thing as a wacky sizzling sound? Have you ever heard a serious, thoughtful sizzling sound? Sizzling is one of the sounds that would come out of Benny Hill while he ran around at double-speed if those segments hadn't been filmed without sound. I heard that the only reason we don't have smellovision is that the government has already secretly cloned Benny Hill, and our nation's top priority must remain keeping Benny Hill from having access to smellovision. It's bad enough that he's already writing for The Onion. "SIZZLE!" is one of those things that's appropriate to shout anywhere, any time, although these things work even if they're not onomatopoeia. For instance, "I FRY MINE IN BUTTER!" or "I'M A BIG BOY!" are both good during silent movies, Shakespeare plays, mass marriages, military drills, divorce hearings, sex, or when stepping off the teeny little ladder onto the surface of the Moon. "Houston, the Eagle has landed -- I'M A BIG BOY! SIZZLE!" Except Neil Armstrong would probably have screwed it up and said "I'M BIG BOY! SIZZLE!" and then he'd look up at the Earth to see a nuclear war breaking out between Big Boy and Sizzler over which one of them he actually claimed the Moon in the name of. Only McDonalds would survive, because their food is indestructible. So, to answer your question, sizzling is silly. Serling is serious. I'm Rod Serling, and I'm very serious, and this is The Serious Zone. Submitted for your approval: One Benjamin Hill, forced to memorize an entire physics textbook in a parallel world where everything is always serious all the time. Let's watch him cope: "I FRY MINE IN BUTTER!" Well done, Mr. Hill. I'm Rod Serling, and I'm a big boy. The End. -- K. Sock it to... Sizzler? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: One man's hazmat is another's cleaning fluid. Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 17:15:21 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Does anyone know a good recipe for lye ice cream? > > No, but I encountered a damn nice bar of chocolate raspberry soap > once. Maybe you could adapt that recipe. I am addicted to raspberry extract. It's my favorite extract. It doesn't taste like raspberry berries taste, it tastes like raspberry flowers smell. I'd love to do a rasberry extract, green tea, and white chocolate ice cream. Especially if I can figure out how to get it inside mochi. Hmm, if I do bacon ice cream, bacon mochi would be the most Japanese snack possible that doesn't already exist. > > I just bought one of those old Cuisinart ice cream makers that > > can make two flavors at the same time. So I could do half > > lye, half habanero, and let them cancel each other out on > > somebody's tongue! > > Kids really go for those soft-serve cones with two flavors twisted > together, you know. I'm just sayin'. Look, if I'm going to make ice cream for all you people, you're each getting one and only one flavor. I'm going to use one side of the machine for all the good boys and girls, and one for the bad boys and girls, and if you want two flavors mixed together you're going to have to French kiss one of the people who hates you. See this red line I painted through the middle of the city? People who get the good ice cream stay on this side, and people who get the evil ice cream stay on the bad side. I just hope I get the recipe right so I can make some bad ice cream, I hope I'm not so inept with this thing that the ice cream always comes out delicious. -- K. As to who gets the Pop Rocks, I'm not tellin'. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name That Slavic Film Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 17:01:07 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > My little sister recently caught a Czech or Polish film on TV about a > couple who couldn't have children, so they adopted a stump. The stump > used its roots as arms and legs, like something from a Krofft production > minus the psychedelic colors. They kept giving the stump toys and food > until it grew so ravenous it started eating pets and eventually people. > They locked it up in their tenement block's dank basement, too squeamish > to kill it violently but unafraid to starve it to death. A little girl > from another apartment heard it crying, though, and started to bring it > food and toys and play with it--and then SHE was stuck with the burden of > responsibility for this homicidal golem. > > I could only guess that Kibo and maybe others here would have seen this > film repeatedly and be able to identify it. Actually, I've never seen Svenkmajer's "Otesanek" ("Little Otik"). I do have a DVD of his "Faust", though, which is touching my "Brothers Quay Collection" DVD inappropriately at this very moment. So thanks for the recommendation, I'm going to run out and get "Little Otik". In related news, earlier this afternoon I wrote up my own "name that film" article but decided not to post it yet because I want Roger Ebert to see it before you people do because I know he won't be able to answer it because it's a question about a film that doesn't actually exist. I'll post it here in a day or two because I want to play fair and let him have first crack at my completely insane question. He never writes me back. I wonder why. -- K. Maybe he's jealous of the fact that I have a DVD of the 1970's TV version of "It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's Superman", starring a doughy guy who's like Potsie but without the talent as the singing Superman, with a stellar cast including Al Molinaro, Allen Ludden, Harvey Lembeck, Leslie Ann Warren, Kenneth Mars, Gary Owens, Loretta Swit, Malachi Throne, and Phil Leeds. DEEP HURTING! So does anyone have a copy of "Electric Yakuza, Go To Hell"? It was made for French TV so it probably sucks, but it's got the greatest title ever. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name That Slavic Film Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 01:22:15 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Actually, I've never seen Svenkmajer's "Otesanek" ("Little Otik"). > > I do have a DVD of his "Faust", though, > > Dammit. I *had* succesfully repressed the memory of that creepy, > creepy puppet. And the other one. And the one with the drill. > > Thanks a pant-load, Kibo. You're welcome. Maybe in the future you should stick to films that don't have any puppets in them, so that you will never again see anything creepy. Just watch wholesome films like Takashi Miike's "Visitor Q" and no horrifying images will ever be burned into your brain. Another film which won't traumatize you because it contains no puppets is that 1929 film about Benjamin Disraeli's HAIR OF HORROR! http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_06_disraeli_hair_2.jpg http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_06_disraeli_hair_3.jpg http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_06_disraeli_hair_4.jpg Don't confuse it with the 1950 one starring Sir Alec Guinness, who was never creepy, even though in "Star Wars" he walked around wearing a bathrobe and waving his lightsaber. The 1950 film was called "The Mudlark", because he spent the whole time larking about in the mud, feeling it squishing between his toes and up his bathrobe. Behold! Obi-Wan Kenobi's hair has been parted to the dark side! http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_06_disraeli_hair_5_mud.jpg So, for your sanity, I urge you to watch "Visitor Q", "Disraeli" (1929), and "The Mudlark" (1950) until you lose your fear of DISRAELI'S SCARY HAIR. Then watch "Visitor Q" another few times until you're numb all over. Then you'll be ready for anything and I can show you what's behind this very special door... -- K. I heard Shatner is going to do a remake of "Disraeli" in an effort to win the Oscar for Scariest Hair. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name That Film (aka Dumb dream #20060612a.) Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 21:28:09 -0400 Yesterday I wrote: > > In related news, earlier this afternoon I wrote up my own "name that film" > article but decided not to post it yet because I want Roger Ebert to see > it before you people do because I know he won't be able to answer it > because it's a question about a film that doesn't actually exist. > I'll post it here in a day or two because I want to play fair and let > him have first crack at my completely insane question. > > He never writes me back. I wonder why. He's had a whole day to enjoy my E-mail sitting there in his inbox with the two or three other E-mails other people send him on any given day, so now it's your turn. Here's the article I wrote but embargoed from alt.religion.kibology until now: [begin slightly old article] So I've gotten better at the lucid dream thing lately. A few days ago I had one which became full lucid, in which I said to myself, "I'm tired of the slow, lyrical flying-by-concentrating-really-hard cliche'. This time I want to be able to just make mile-long jumps at super-speed like in 'The Matrix'," and I did (but turns out I like the slow flying better because landings from those jumps are a real pain.) Last night I had a great, cinematic semi-lucid dream. It was important enough that I immediately wrote it up and mailed it to Roger Ebert because I'm sure he has nothing better to do. Here's what I sent him: --------- CUT HERE TO PRETEND YOU ARE ROGER EBERT --------- Dear Roger, (Not wanting to waste your time, but I thought you might find this amusing.) Thank you for writing about Orson Welles's nearly-lost take on Falstaff -- I'll have to pick up one of the Brazilian DVDs of "Chimes At Midnight". But last night, I got to see a Welles film even you haven't seen! I had just watched "The Cable Guy" (fifth time -- I've only seen it so many times because I'm trying to figure out why I don't hate it) and a 1970's Jackie Chan film (back when he was still being positioned as the next Bruce Lee) so it's only natural that in my sleep, my brain would want to expose me to something a little more thoughtful. Sometimes I dream in movie form. This one was Welles's only science fiction film, made in 1946, concerning four people who take a rocket to Mars and are stranded there. I watched the entire movie (two and a half hours) thanks to the dilated time in the dream world, and when I woke up at the end, I chose to go back to sleep and re-enter the same dream in a more lucid state so I could watch the movie again. (I got halfway through the second viewing before the dream ended altogether.) The second time I was able to pay more attention to the details of Welles's editorial and acting techniques. It was a slow, suspenseful movie -- the rocket doesn't launch until 77 minutes into the film, and when it does, there's a full 60-second countdown. You can imagine the fun Welles had milking that. For a 1946 film, the special effects were quite impressive, such as a zero-gravity scene with animated drops of water floating around like bubbles. There were two men and two women on the trip to Mars. Welles played a wealthy industrialist and master manipulator of people -- a very intense performance, more similar to "Mr. Arkadin" than "Citizen Kane". Joseph Cotten was a hotshot young American trying desperately to prove he was smarter than the Welles character. Dialogue: COTTEN: You may try to buy your way out of this, but I plan to invent my way out! WELLES: I think not, as you would never have been so eager to come on this trip had you achieved any degree of success on Earth. The women were the daughter of Welles's character, completely dominated by him (he referred to her as "daddy's little girl) and then, for some reason, there was Candide. Yes, Orson Welles made a film about Candide on Mars. (Who else would have?) It did not add up to the most logical movie, but hey, even a really odd Welles movie is welcome to run around inside my brain any time I'm too asleep to change the channel. It was far from his best work, but still damn good, especially given that my subconscious isn't as talented as Welles's. I'm pretty sure the movie didn't have any pterodactyls, but I'll let you tell me. Anyway, the purpose of my letter is not to brag that I saw an imaginary Welles movie you didn't (I'm sure you'll see it someday, once Douglas Trumbull gets his "Brainstorm" machine working.) I'm writing with a serious question. The one thing I failed to bring back from the dream world was the title of this film. What do you think would be the proper title for a Welles film where Candide goes to Mars? -- James "Kibo" Parry (Boston, Massachusetts) -------- STOP CUTTING HERE, YOU AREN'T ROGER EBERT -------- Although it's unlikely that he'll write back (and if he does, it'll probably just be a link to his FAQ with an entry about how he doesn't have the time to read about people's dumb dreams that aren't even movies) I'm hoping he can tell me the title of that lost imaginary Orson Welles movie. And now, you, the official Peanut Gallery of alt.religion.kibology, can play along and suggest your own titles! Tell me what the title is, and if Roger Ebert also comes up with a title we will finally get to compare whether he or alt.religion.kibology is the better authority on non-existent movies. So what was the title of that movie I saw with my eyes closed? -- K. My vote is for "Z For Zzzz", or perhaps "Candide Goes Bananas". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Another words. Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 17:06:19 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > I recently saw a sign in front of a hotel/restaurant inviting people > to "Come inside and enjoy dining al fresco!" I see you're not ''hep'' to the modern ''slang'' the ''kids'' use these days. "Al fresco" doesn't mean "outdoors" any more. It means "nuuuuuuuuuuuuuude". You don't want to know what "al forno" means now. -- K. Me, I like al'arrabiatta. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some Names Of Space People. Correction. Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 17:23:55 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > [...] > > You think you can prune us like some shrub for your own evil purposes? Actually, the best way to prune people is to give them a long hot bath. Hey, wow, I did that without the help of Kontext-Away. So now I can pass the savings on to you! (As Ben Franklin once said, "One man's savings is his dog's leavings," but scholars cannot agree whether he was drunk enough when he said that to make it worth trying to understand.) I don't think I've ever eaten a whole prune. I've eaten various things with prune filling, and I've eaten plenty of plums (they're so great if you've just had hot pepper.) Wait, I have had a few of the Japanese "salted dried pickled plum" variety (the little red marbles that taste like superbarf), but you were asking about regular American plums, the ones that look like black cow patties, not the red marbles they only eat in countries where they eat everything people shouldn't eat. Damn, now I'm hungry. I wonder whether the Japanese market has again started carrying those chocolate crepes I like? -- K. MUST HAVE CANDY NOW ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: By the way... Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 17:30:50 -0400 The correct answer was 600 centillion years. -- K. Those of you who got it wrong have until tomorrow to buy me a new TV set that doesn't have that green blotch whenever I watch a Seijun Suzuki film. ...how does it know who directed what? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Critique these diets Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 01:43:14 -0400 [concerning a New York Metro article on food] John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > Is there any chance of having this translated into British English, please? > > WTF is an "Equals"? "Equal" is an artificial sweetener in little packets at cheap restaurants. I forget whether it's the one in the blue packets, the yellow packets, or the pink packets. A really good crappy restaurant will make sure that you have all three colors of non-sugar available so you can create your own custom blend of toxic chemicals. > "Arugula"? Leafy salad green. It's like lettuce but with different squiggly edges. > "Odwalla Citrus C Monster"? Bottled fruit sludge smoothie. > "Lua cheia cacha¨a"? Some thing. > Why specify that fusilli are pasta? Because, if you spent any time in American supermarkets, you'd know that our prepared food is now full of "pasta noodles" or sometimes just "noodle-style pasta". Mexican flavors of Hamburger-Helper-like extendoid products will sometimes be "pasta noodles with queso-style cheese". I don't know what that is, but I'm sure it's even worse than actual cheese, whether or not it has salsa sauce as gravy. > What else might they be? Ever played with a Play-Doh Fun Factory? > Likewise, what nationality could a baguette be if not French? Female bag ladies can be any nationality. I wonder whatever happened to that one who used to sit outside Harvard screaming about how she wanted to burn it down? You know, the one who always covered her entire head with weird colors of makeup so she looked like Exeter from "This Island Earth"? > And what the hell is the "half-and-half" this Chris bloke has with > his coffee? I'm aware of two meanings of "half-and-half", but > I doubt it's either half light and half bitter or half rice and > half chips. Most states don't allow little unrefrigerated cream pitchers on the table, so generally with your coffee you get a little sealed plastic vial of half and half, which is an ultrapasteurized homogeonized shelf-stable isotope of 50% cream and 50% not cream. > It's a rum do, and no mistake. Why you septics can't sling the bhat the > way we do in blighty is a proper stumper. Yeah, well, DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY WITH NOODLES ON YOU. -- K. So tell me, why did they ruin Maynard's Wine Gums by changing them to taste like candy instead of rancid vinegar? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: eeeeeeeeeeeeee in the news again Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 02:55:55 -0400 Hey, remember the discussion of the magical anti-teenager ultrasonic repeller, which then became an alleged teacher-proof ringtone kids were using to take phone calls at school? The New York Times just learned about it. [www.nytimes.com] -> -> June 12, 2006 -> -> A Ring Tone Meant to Fall on Deaf Ears -> -> By Paul Vitello -> -> In that old battle of the wills between young people and their -> keepers, the young have found a new weapon that could change the -> balance of power on the cellphone front: a ring tone that many -> adults cannot hear. Eh. Adults hardly hear or see anything. They're even more likely than kids to walk around oblivious to the creepy world around them. -> In settings where cellphone use is forbidden -- in class, for -> example -- it is perfect for signaling the arrival of a text -> message without being detected by an elder of the species. Maybe someday they'll invent a better way to make a phone silently signal a message has arrived. For instance, it could wobble really fast, or maybe even jitter or oscillate. My new theory is that this allegedly adult-proof ringtone is only popular with kids who are too dumb to know big words like "vibrate". -> "When I heard about it I didn't believe it at first," said Donna -> Lewis, a technology teacher at the Trinity School in Manhattan. -> "But one of the kids gave me a copy, and I sent it to a -> colleague. She played it for her first graders. All of them could -> hear it, and neither she nor I could." What is a "technology teacher"? Whatever it is, I'm probably qualified to be one: "Hey, kids. READ THE FUCKING MANUAL!!! Okay, class is over." -> The technology, which relies on the fact that most adults -> gradually lose the ability to hear high-pitched sounds, was -> developed in Britain but has only recently spread to America -- -> by Internet, of course. Yeah, it takes weeks for that Internet to swim across the ocean. Still, it's interesting to know that the British are so far ahead of Americans in inventing the hearing test. -> [...] -> -> At Roslyn, as at most schools, cellphones must be turned off -> during class. But one morning last week, a high-pitched ring tone -> went off that set teeth on edge for anyone who could hear it. To -> the students' surprise, that group included their teacher. -> -> "Whose cellphone is that?" Miss Musorofiti demanded, -> demonstrating that at 28, her ears had not lost their sensitivity -> to strangely annoying, high-pitched, though virtually inaudible -> tones. -> -> "You can hear that?" one of them asked. -> -> "Adults are not supposed to be able to hear that," said another, -> according to the teacher's account. Then the kids burst into tears as they slowly realized that adult physiology doesn't necessarily do what kids tell it to do. -> She had indeed heard that, Miss Musorofiti said, adding, "Now -> turn it off." -> -> The cellphone ring tone that she heard was the offshoot of an -> invention called the Mosquito, developed last year by a Welsh -> security company to annoy teenagers and gratify adults, not the -> other way around. No, it's the "vibrate" function that gratifies adults. Or haven't those people discovered orgasms yet? Oh, right, we're talking about Wales. -> It was marketed as an ultrasonic teenager repellent, an -> ear-splitting 17-kilohertz buzzer designed to help shopkeepers -> disperse young people loitering in front of their stores while -> leaving adults unaffected. ...except for deaf teenagers, who can go on a crime spree because they're immune to the most powerful anti-theft squealing noises known to mad science! The same way that Zatoichi has super sword powers because he's blind, deaf teenagers have super shoplifting powers. And you really wouldn't want to try to apprehend one who's deaf _and_ blind, especially if he's carrying what looks like an antique Japanese cane. -> The principle behind it is a biological reality that hearing -> experts refer to as presbycusis, or aging ear. While Miss -> Musorofiti is not likely to have it, most adults over 40 or 50 -> seem to have some symptoms, scientists say. -> -> While most human communication takes place in a frequency range -> between 200 and 8,000 hertz (a hertz being the scientific unit of -> frequency equal to one cycle per second), most adults' ability to -> hear frequencies higher than that begins to deteriorate in early -> middle age. -> -> "It's the most common sensory abnormality in the world," said Dr. -> Rick A. Friedman, an ear surgeon and research scientist at the -> House Ear Institute in Los Angeles. -> -> But in a bit of techno-jujitsu, someone -- a person unknown at -> this time, but probably not someone with presbycusis -- realized -> that the Mosquito, which uses this common adult abnormality to -> adults' advantage, could be turned against them. -> -> The Mosquito noise was reinvented as a ring tone. I am now working on a master plan to breed mockingbirds and teach a trillion mockingbirds that sound so that when I release them all teenagers everywhere will have to go into hiding forever, ending the human race unless people over 20 can have babies. Also I will teach another trillion mockingbirds to make the brown note so all the teenagers will poop their pants. -> "Our high-frequency buzzer was copied. It is not exactly what we -> developed, but it's a pretty good imitation," said Simon Morris, -> marketing director for Compound Security, the company behind the -> Mosquito. "You've got to give the kids credit for ingenuity." -> -> British newspapers described the first use of the high-frequency -> ring tone last month in some schools in Wales, where Compound -> Security's Mosquito device was introduced as a "yob-buster," a -> reference to the hooligans it was meant to disperse. Just yobs and hooligans? It doesn't work on chavs? What about punks? And droogs? And where does it sit in the whole mods vs. rockers spectrum? -> Since then, Mr. Morris said his company has received so much -> attention -- none of it profit-making because the ring tone was in -> effect pirated -- that he and his partner, Howard Stapleton, the -> inventor, decided to start selling a ring tone of their own. It -> is called Mosquitotone, and it is now advertised as "the -> authentic Mosquito ring tone." Biiiiiig deal. I've just invented a ring tone that nobody can hear. It's called The World's Loudest Completely Silent Ringtone, and you can download it from me for only $5 a minute. It lasts several hours. -> David Herzka, a Roslyn High School freshman, said he researched -> the British phenomenon a few weeks ago on the Web, and managed to -> upload a version of the high-pitched sound into his cellphone. -> -> He transferred the ring tone to the cellphones of two of his -> friends at a birthday party on June 3. Two days later, he said, -> about five students at school were using it, and by Tuesday the -> number was a couple of dozen. -> -> "I just made it for my friends. I don't use a cellphone during -> class at school," he said. -> -> How, David was asked, did he think this new device would alter -> the balance of power between adults and teenagers? Or did he -> suppose it was a passing fad? -> -> "Well, probably it is," said David, who added after a moment's -> thought, "And if not, I guess the school will just have to hire a -> lot of young teachers." Or they could save their money and hire some teachers competent enough to teach kids the word "vibrate". -> Kate Hammer and Nate Schweber contributed reporting for this -> article. That information is useless without their ages. And by the way, you can hear the squealie dealie here: http://graphics.nytimes.com/packages/audio/nyregion/20060610_RINGTONE.mp3 I can hear it, but only when it's at high volume. It's just a high-pitched square wave, like all computers make all the time anyway. Right on the edge of audibility, it would definitely keep me away from whatever store was trying to repel people half my age. I have heard stores making this sound in the past (as far back as the early '80s), but they used to claim that these noisemakers were shoplifting deterrents (because they made people nervous.) I don't see how keeping most people from wanting to go in your store would reduce shoplifting while also allowing you to sell things to people. You might as well just put barbed wire across the front door. And I still think that dealing with troublemakers by deliberately irritating them is a very, very, very bad idea. If you played the "eeeeeeeeeeeee" noise at Fonzie, would he run away and swear to uphold a life of goodness and niceness? No, he'd break all your teeth until he found which of your teeth was making squealing noises in your head. Then he'd tear your shop in half and blow up the whole town with some sort of nuclear bomb manufactured by Harley-Davidson. -- K. "Hey, wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?" "DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY!" Seriously, shops should try just having a guy yell "DOIDY!" at teenagers all day. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: eeeeeeeeeeeeee in the news again Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 19:26:10 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And by the way, you can hear the squealie dealie here: > > http://graphics.nytimes.com/packages/audio/nyregion/20060610_RINGTONE.mp3 > > Hey, that sounds just about like television and computer screens used to! > (Which the rest of my family never believed...) That's a common story -- a lot of adults don't seem to know that kids can often hear their TV's horizontal sweep, and in some sets it's damn loud. So if you love your kids, buy them a plasma HTDV that can do real 1080p. 525-line interlaced TVs put the "eeeeeeeeeeeee" in "eeeeeeeeeeeeevil". Many laptop computers also squeal because there's a high-frequency signal driving that fluorescent lamp (brightness is varied by changing that frequency, so you can lower the pitch by dimming the display.) When I was a kid I hated fluorescent lamps (there was a GE CircleLite in my bedroom, I detested the thing.) Now I don't hear them as loud but they're still annoying (and certainly provide a flickery, discolored light compared to proper white-hot-blackbody lamps.) One of my VCRs has a little fluorescent tube for its backlit control panel, and fortunately it allowed me to switch that off forever to keep it from whining (and because it was way too bright, it's hard to watch TV when your VCR is bright enough to read by.) Something bizarre about those high-pitched whines right on the edge of audibility is that they seem to come and go when I turn my head. Occasionally I'll be wondering if some electronic device is singing at me, and I won't be able to locate it because the sound will disappear if I move and reappear if I move back. So I often can't decide whether it's some highly directional noise or just some weird sort of hallucination that's triggered by having the muscles in my neck twisted the right way. It could be just that you can only hear them when your ears are lined up because high-frequency sounds wouldn't penetrate through your skull as well as lower-frequency sounds. (Videogame programmers know all about "HRTFs" -- "head-related transfer functions" -- which are a way of processing a sound to make it sound like it's coming from a particular direction, reaching first the closest ear and then being filtered by your skull before reaching the other ear.) > > I can hear it, but only when it's at high volume. It's just a > > high-pitched square wave, like all computers make all the time anyway. > > Right on the edge of audibility, it would definitely keep me away > > from whatever store was trying to repel people half my age. > > It is a bit annoying, yes. I think a more effective everyone-repellent would be just a recording of me yelling "AM I ANNOYING YOU YET? AM I ANNOYING YOU YET? AM I ANNOYING YOU YET? AM I ANNOYING YOU YET?" Or the alternate version, "HEY LOOK AT ME I'M ON YOUR WEBTV!" > > And I still think that dealing with troublemakers by deliberately > > irritating them is a very, very, very bad idea. > > I'm thinking they're thinking that if they're subliminally irritated, they'll > unconsciously avoid the areas that irritate them. But yeah, some people LIKE > being irritated and taking it out on others. (And I HATE those people, thank > you Tom Lehrer.) So how many Bruins games a year do you go to? I'm guessing zero or fewer. -- K. Next time you go, look for me -- I'm the one in the Senators jersey getting things thrown at him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: eeeeeeeeeeeeee in the news again Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 03:15:50 -0400 I just visited the Web site of the people who manufacture the Mosquito (which they are now selling in ring-tone form to teenagers because a glimmer of light is shining inside someone's brain that maybe it might not be the world's greatest teenager repellent) and found this amusing press clipping under "News": [www.compoundsecurity.co.uk] -> -> Publication BBC Radio Kent -> Date 24 May 2006 -> -> AN ULTRA HIGH SOUND DEVICE IS BEING ABUSED BY CHILDREN -> The sound can only be heard by younger people. -> -> INTERVIEW: SIMON MORRIS, COMPOUND SECURITY, MAKERS OF THE MOSQUITO -> DEVICE -- It is an annoying sound. It is used to move youngsters on -> from shopping centres. The children are passing it from phone to phone -> by BLUE TOOTH. This could cause disruption. Somebody has made this -> on a computer. 80 percent of the population over 25 cannot hear it. I am envisioning Emo Phillips reading this aloud ("...is being abused by chilllldrennnnn! This could cause DISruption! Somebody has made this on a computerrrrrr!") while kissing a girl who has the bodies of animals between her teeth. "Somebody has made this on a computer." will be the hot new catchphrase of the '90s. There's also the charming "Human Rights Act investigation relating to use of Mosquito": -> [...] -> -> 8. While Article 14 of the ECHR prevents discrimination against -> individuals and groups on various grounds, the grounds do not -> specifically include discrimination on the grounds of age. -> It is possible for the courts to find discrimination on grounds -> other than those specifically cited; we have performed preliminary -> searches but have found nothing to suggest that groups of young -> people have the characteristics of a group that can be -> discriminated against. Dude, don't tell that to the Goths. Their whole life consists of making themselves into a group that can be discriminated against. -- K. I wish I were 18 and British so that grown-ups would automatically run away from me due to the inherent fear all British people have of teenagers. This is because all British adults are over 80 years old. Proof: Bob Hope was British. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "Tom Swifties" to be renamed "Stephen Hawkings" Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 20:23:17 -0400 [news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> Hawking to write children's book -> -> Physicist Stephen Hawking and his daughter are to write a science -> book for children which will be "a bit like Harry Potter", but -> without the magic. I believe that's called "a phone book". It's too bad he has this craaaaaaaazy "no magic" rule. He should do something like "Mac & Me", about this weird-looking kid who gets out of his wheelchair and flies around and fights kickboxing ninjas with his awesome brain-fu, and then goes on board the USS Enterprise and insults Einstein while taking all his money in a poker game, and then gets all the candy in the world because the government accidentally made it illegal for anyone who didn't used to be in a wheelchair to have any candy. Also Harry Potter cries because he's not able to use magic any more because magic isn't real and science is, so the flying kid uses science rather than magic to meet Santa and the Flintstones and Fonzie and Super BatSuperman. The End. If Stephen Hawking doesn't hire me as his ghostwriter, he's screwed. -- K. The "Mr. Show" episode about Imminent Death Syndrome just gets funnier every time another six months go by. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: ne.general,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: WGBX Boston Channel 44 Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 21:43:43 -0400 In ne.general Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > > What is the name of the chief engineer for WGBX Boston Channel 44 ?... James "Scotty" Doohan. > The movie Paths of Glory was cut off before the end at a critical > moment in the story at 11:21pm Saturday 10 June 2006 ! Actually, that was simply a directorial decision by Stanley Kubrick. He wanted a really shocking ending. Kubrick spliced that PBS logo into the master negative of the film. It's just a choice he made, like the way all the sets in "Eyes Wide Shut" are decorated with the same Christmas tree and the same mailbox, or the way the computer in "2001" is an obvious rip-off of the car from "Knight Rider". Besides, you don't have any right to complain about any of your three local PBS channels if you didn't donate at least 51% of their operating budget the last time they held a pledge drive. I gave them a couple million dollars last year, but they said I need to give them a lot more before I can tell them what color to make Oscar next season. I want them to go back to the original umber. If you need to complain about something on TV, you might want to look into the way "Honey, We're Killing The Kids" slanders fat people by claiming they all wear glasses. Also! Tell! Lisa! Hark! To! Stop! Talking! Like! This! PLEASE! -- K. Hey, are you the reason channel 38 stopped letting people write in to "Ask The Manager"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some sound advice. Date: Wed, 14 Jun 2006 19:05:17 -0400 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > A good way to raise your status in a large corporation is to email your > friends an amusing PowerPoint slideshow. What is this Earth concept of "amusing PowerPoint slideshow"? I know not of a way to make PowerPoint and amusement collide without causing one of the many types of explosion that destroys the entire Universe unless the timecops go back to prevent it by killing the right baby. Please explain this strange form of amusement which is stable within a PowerPoint bubble. > An excellent example is one that features a number of attractive women, > with the captions "Miss Argentina", "Miss USA", and so forth, making the > recipient believe they are looking at highlights from a beauty pageant or > the like. However, for a twist that is both unexpected and hilarious, one > of the last slides should feature a wizened crone with a caption indicating > they are from an under-developed region. To maximise the hilarity, follow > this up with a naked senior citizen, captioned "Mis-take", followed by a > slide of another wizened crone, this time captioned "Miss U". At this point > your audience are probably asking themselves "can I take much more of > this?" so let them down gently with a page of slightly lewd animated gifs. Animated GIFs we've been sick of seeing in various years: The Hamster Dance the dancing 7-Up spot the dancing baby Note the pattern. So what sort of lewd dance was involved in yours? > Then forward it to everyone on the global email list of your organisation. > This works particularly well if you are in a very large, public sector > organisation, especially if you are the assistant to the CEO of that > organisation. > > Then issue a recall. > > Then send it again, to exactly the same people. > > Then send an apology. > > And if you can manage it, do it within several days of a global warning > regarding inappropriate web usage. For best effect, each of the messages should be in the format of a picture embedded in a Microsoft Word document sent as an attachment. > Prestige will follow, usually within minutes. Wow, your Internet is slow. It should take microseconds for the prestige to come back from the Internet's central prestige server. Did your office remember to synchronize their coolometers? -- K. PowerPoint is for people who worry that Microsoft Word would make their graphic design look too slick. The way the rules should be: USE A TEMPLATE, GO TO JAIL. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: filthy lucre Date: Wed, 14 Jun 2006 19:58:45 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Whoa. When your new change purse is hot pink, you find out just how much > grime you never noticed rubbing off your coins onto the old dark blue or > green ones. I guess your boyfriend was just too polite to point it out. Lucky for him you got the pink purse. (The sequins help hide the dirt.) You should learn to play slots (I offer an eight-hour course in how to do that, for only $10,000) because then you'll really see how much dirt and machine grease and metal dust will jump off the coins onto your hands. That's why casinos will sometimes give you alcohol wipes instead of complimentary drinks, depending on whether you look like you're going to get their hotel rooms dirty or look like you should be drunker in order to throw away more money. If you're a high-roller they give you one white cotton glove, as part of their "Treat every guest exactly like Michael Jackson" program. > This post is not all about tripping. If you took the brown acid, please > be assured this is only reality and not bad chemicals in your head. If your boyfriend gave you the pink change purse, you might not want to eat any of the little crystals inside, unless you plan on writing Phil Dick's next three books this weekend. -- K. Change purse, eh? Wassamatta, you don't have any pockets in that bolero jacket? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: BP 235/175 Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 02:07:15 -0400 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > If I hadn't been in the emergency ward to get rabies immunoglobin > (anyone know how to spell this correctly?) T... H... I... oh, never mind. > and vaccine they would have admitted me for essential hypertension. > > Too bad they didn't. > > They injected the immunoglobin in six sites and the vaccine in two. My > wife only had three immunoglobin and one vaccine injection. The moral of > the story, never let your pony pick a rabid skunk up by its tail. BAD PONY. No carrot for you! Seriously, if your pony can't tell the difference between a rabid skunk and a chew toy, you need to muzzle that dangerous pony so it doesn't start bringing home other doubly-evil animals, such as poisonous alligators and electric bumblebees. To say nothing of the constrictor lice. They shouldn't even allow ponies, skunks, and rabies in the same state. Ponies should stay west of the Rockies, skunks east of the Mississippi, and the rabies go in the middle. Also the lice go to Alaska or Hawaii (we'll let the lice choose.) > The bad outcome was that it was discovered a year later that my "normal" > BP was 185/140. > > Matthew (only one minor stroke later) My new theory is that strokes are like earthquakes: Everyone has dozens of strokes a day, it's just that most of them are too small to detect. Did you open the fridge and forget what you were looking for? That was one of the strokes that was just big enough to notice. Did you see a TV commercial for something and forget to think, "Wow, that sucks!"? That was a teeny stroke. If you were able to determine exactly how many strokes you had on any given day, it would be something on the order of 58,000 ones you didn't notice, and about a dozen that you did notice but chose to ignore. So anyway, we're all having strokes all the time. Thus, you should cheer up, the stroke you suffered was quite a rare event compared to all the other ones you're not even noticing, including the one I'm having right now hey I don't remember ordering a DVD of "Logan's Run". So what regimen do they have you on now? Are you taking toddler aspirin every day so that you can pretend you're a hemophiliac? (My mother once gave me the worst advice I've ever had: Always take some aspirin before you go to the dentist. Supposedly this will make the dental work less painful. In reality, all it does is spray gallons of blood all over your dentist.) -- K. I plan to die of a stroke during the premiere of the first good Uwe Boll movie, in 2047. No humans will survive the shock of witnessing the impossible. The movie will kill all eight people who see it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 16:42:41 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: Super New Kontext-Away laughs at regular Kontext-Away and deletes everything that's not about some sort of Kontext-Away! > Kontext Away moves to the Uwe Boll reference! It's a good thing he only makes bad movies based on bad video games that were popular fifteen years ago. Otherwise he might rush "Kontext-Away: The Movie!" into production. Most recently, he's challenged anyone who can prove they ever made fun of him on the Internet to have a fistfight (which will be filmed for use as stock footage in his next pathetic, videogame-based movie because apparently someone let him watch "Fight Club") but his press release was very specific that you could only be eligible to beat up the idiot if you made fun of him in _2005_, not _2006_. So if I say "UWE BOLL HAS THE I.Q. OF A ROTTED TURNIP", that doesn't make me eligible for an all-expenses-paid flight to Vancouver to pound the crap out of the soggy turnip. But WAIT! I just found this article from December 29, 2005! From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pac-Man movie still expected to win an Oscar -- on Planet Stupid Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2005 02:23:41 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > OK, have you heard the conspiracy theory that all those video game > movies directed by Uwe Boll are actually designed to lose money, because > the German government pays them when they lose money? [...] I certainly have been thinking that. [...] Well, Nick, I guess you have a big decision to make, because it wouldn't be fair of me to call dibs on beating up Uwe Boll unless you turn down this important opportunity to beat up someone who deserves a good beating because his movies are bad. But if you don't want to go, I will be very happy that you brought up the subject two days before the magic deadline after which he turned chicken. (I guess after January 1, 2006 his movies became so bad that too many people wanted to beat him up, so the contest is only open to people who already realized he sucked.) He's also invited Quentin Tarantino and Roger Avary (you know, the guys who wrote "Pulp Fiction", a movie so much better that Uwe Boll's not-even-a-game-you-can-play movies that mentioning them in the same sentence might make my head explode) but I assume it they would consider it way beneath them to beat him up. Uwe Boll is really lucky he doesn't know who Takashi Miike is, 'cause he'd do it in a second. I hope this starts a trend of people who make bad movies actually inviting their critics to punch them in the face. Just think, someday we might get to see Roger Ebert wailing on Rob Schneider, and Rex Reed slap-fighting the guy who made "Myra Breckenridge", and a billion Chinese dudes kung-fuing Wong Jing. Now, back to stuff Chris McGonnell may have quoted me saying. > > I plan to die of a stroke during the premiere of the > > first good Uwe Boll movie, in 2047. No humans will > > survive the shock of witnessing the impossible. > > The movie will kill all eight people who see it. > > Well of course it'll kill me; you just can't shock 96-year-old men > like that and expect them to live. > > -- > Chris McG. > Harming humanity since 1951. Wow, you're old, especially in the distant future! Look at it this way. Bob Hope and George Burns lived to be over 200 years old (combined). So all you have to do is get a cigar and a golf club and start keeping the vaudeville tradition alive, and find some other guy to do it with you, and then you guys will live until at least 2051, and you'll get to see Uwe Boll's heartwarming "Elf Bowling: The Movie". -- K. P.S. I call dibs on making "Kontext-Away: The Movie", made from 10% stock footage of me punching everyone who paid to see it, and 90% stock footage of me typing stupid claims about beating up people on the Internet. Not since Archimedes Plutonium's imaginary fistfight with me has there been such a great pretend fight as me beating up Uwe Boll right here and now! I'm typing with one hand and punching with the other, over the Internet! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2006 17:47:01 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Most recently, he's challenged anyone who can prove they ever made > > fun of him on the Internet to have a fistfight [...] but his > > press release was very specific that you could only be eligible to > > beat up the idiot if you made fun of him in _2005_, not _2006_. > > I think I know why he specifically designated Internet critics: > because everyone on the Internet knew better than to see any of his > movies. If it weren't for that conspiracy theory guy, none of us > would even know his name. We just saw that they were making a movie > about a video game and knew instinctively that those always suck. > Which is why every time I go to a thrift store, I look on every > shelf to make sure I don't miss the ultra-rare Atari 2600 Baby > Geniuses. As I've said before, my least-favorite Atari 800 game back in the '80s was one called "Busy Baby". It was a knockoff of "Moon Patrol" where instead of jumping a tank over craters while aliens dropped bombs on it, you were trying to walk a baby along a path while a stork dropped water balloons on him. The object was to get through the obstacle course without wetting your diaper (straying from the path automatically made you pee.) It was one of those games that consisted entirely of pinpoint jumping over lethal obstacles, except it was slow with awkward controls (lots of diagonal jumping was necessary), not the slick, easy-to-play game that "Moon Patrol" was. You died quite frequently, and every time it happens you had to watch the baby cry for about ten seconds (and most annoyingly, pushing "System Reset" didn't even stop the annoying music it played.) Anyway, I suggest that "Busy Baby" the closest we ever came to seeing a "Baby Geniuses" game for any Atari console. I admit: One of my favorite Atari 2600 games is "SeaQuest", which was a pretty good game before they screwed it up by making it into a bad TV series. (I also liked "Turmoil" -- which was the _good_ version of "Tempest" for the 2600 -- and the easy yet addictive "Spider Fighter".) > > Well, Nick, I guess you have a big decision to make, because it wouldn't > > be fair of me to call dibs on beating up Uwe Boll unless you turn down > > this important opportunity to beat up someone who deserves a good beating > > because his movies are bad. > > I weigh about 200 pounds, which puts me out of his weight class. I think you're out of his class in several ways. I note that he will only fight people who are 140 to 190 pounds -- he's 190 pounds. So you're not allowed to fight him if you're a whole pound heavier than he is, because he only wants to fight people he can beat. I'm eligible because I'm forty pounds lighter (and six inches taller.) He probably has all the advantages, given that he's more solidly-built than me and, more importantly, knows how to box. But on the other hand, maybe he only boxes as well as he directs. > Go for it. Indeed, I don't think I really criticized his films, > considering I haven't seen them either; I just vectored a conspiracy > theory about why they are allowed to exist. So unless one of the > microdots at the end of your post contains a scathing and specific > review of one or more of his films, he might get off on a technicality. Yes, but the point is that he wants to beat you up _because_ you didn't see any of his films because you knew they were bad. I think he's one of those types whose model of criticism is that you're not qualified to decide whether or not you want to see a film unless you see it all the way through. Also, he thinks video games should be improved by having the "game" part removed. People should pay nine dollars to sit quietly and watch a video game playing itself. 'Cause after all, the only reason anyone ever attempts to play a game is just to see the cutscenes, right? -- K. Short shameful confession: I like to put "Rebel Assault" into the secret mode that turns it into an all-cutscene boot-fetish movie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 17:38:23 -0400 Because millions of people could have asked me to explain this while I was in the kitchen just now, here's the news item about some extremely minor movie director personally daring everyone on the Internet to beat him up. [sknr.net] -> -> Uwe Boll Challanges Tarantino and his critics. -> -> Written by Gareth Von Kallenbach -> Monday, 12 June 2006 -> -> Maverick Independent filmmaker Uwe Boll is set to face his -> toughest detractors head on as part of the upcoming movie -> "Postal" which is based on the highly controversial series from -> Running with Scissors. "Highly controversial series", in this case, means "two video games released for the Mac ten years ago that weren't really any interesting to play but for some reason got a little press attention because the United States Postal Service has a knee-jerk reaction to anyone using the slang term 'postal'". Gee, USPS, thanks to all your free publicity now there's going to be another worthless movie based on a video game. -> Boll the creator of such films as "House of the Dead", "Alone in -> the Dark" , "Bloodrayne", and the pending "In the Name of the -> King a Dungeon Siege Tale", "Creator" is too strong a word, especially given that other people had already created each of those properties in question years before. Perhaps "exploiter" or "ruiner". -> has often been the target of biting and venomous reviews despite -> the fact that all of his films have turned a profit once the final -> box office and home video receipts are tallied. "Final" in that sentence means that all this accounting will be done at the moment the last copy of each DVD has completely rotted away, in the year 3000000000000000000000000000000000000, by which time each of the movies will have made a dollar profit. _Anything_ makes money when released on DVD. As I've pointed out, they're up to something like the 23rd box set of "Dark Shadows" reruns. And "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp" is out. "My DVDs made some money" is a ho-hum brag. If he could say his DVDs made more money than reruns of "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp", then I might be impressed to know he had better earning power than a chimp who's been dead for twenty years. -> Despite his films financial success, Boll who works outside of -> the studio system and has his films financed by investors has -> often been called out by critics as a lousy director whose films -> are among the worst ever made. Naah, I've seen worse. However, they're all certainly in the category of "Not even as good as the cutscenes from the games they're based on," which you can't say about Ed Wood's work because he at least made up his own bad stuff. -> Not content to let such hash criticism go unanswered Boll has -> decided to face his critics once and for all with a unique -> challenge that will allow director and critic to face off in a -> battle royal *cough* *cough* If Kinji Fukusaku weren't dead, he'd be pounding the crap out of Uwe Boll right now. Fukusaku was the guy whose doctors told him "If you make a second 'Battle Royale' movie, it'll kill you!" and he said "Fuck you, I'm Kinji Fukusaku, and I'm going to make the movie even if it kills me because, hey, fucking 'Battle Royale'!" and he made the movie and it killed him and it wasn't nearly as good as the first one but hey, it killed him. I'd like to see Uwe Boll do that. To be as cool as Kinji Fukusaku, Uwe Boll would have to be killed by six or seven of his movies. -> that further establishes the Directors passion for -> his craft and his willingness to go the extra mile to put his -> convictions on the line against those who are content to hide -> behind their words without any consequences from those they have -> slighted. AWW, UWE BOLL'S FEELINGS WERE HURT! -> The full release is below. -> -> Uwe Boll Challenges His Critics -> "To Put Up Or Shut Up !" -> -> Uwe Boll Invites His Top 5 Most Outspoken Critics of 2005 -> To Appear In His Feature Film "Postal". -> -> Airfares & Hotel Expenses To Vancouver Will Be Paid -> By Uwe Boll's Production Company For These Critics To Be In -> Postal. -> -> [...] -> -> Again the fans have shown that the critics of Uwe Boll are out of -> touch with want the general movie audience population wants. Dr. -> Boll has continually been roasted for the films he has directed -> and produced. His last two films, House of the Dead & Alone in -> the Dark, cost $20 million but they have grossed over $110 -> million to-date. The same negative reactions from some of the -> same press and the internet critics are now being directed at Uwe -> Boll's latest film; BloodRayne. No, it's being directed at _him_. See, this is what he fails to understand: With ordinary bad movies, people just say "that movie wasn't very good" and then find something else to do. Uwe Boll has a magical ability to make the fanboys hate _him_, by doing things like issuing moronic press releases about how they suck because they don't love his awesome talent. -> Dr. Uwe Boll has had enough! Uwe Boll's position is "I am fed -> up. I'm fed up with people slamming my films on the Internet -> without see them. "ALSO, I WILL NOT BE MOCKED!" he screamed in a funny accent, except without the correct grammar. -> Many journalists make value judgments on my films based on the -> opinions of one or two thousand Internet voices. ...and so the vast conspiracy of 5,999,999,999 people to smear Uwe Boll for no reason continues! -> Half of those opinions come from people who've never watched my -> films. I have been told that "BloodRayne" has a very bad IMDb -> rating, but how many of those votes of zero were made before -> the movie appeared in theatres." The criticism goes on and on. You know, when someone gave Orson Welles a bad review, I think all he did was have a good laugh. He didn't just start whining that not everyone in the world gave his movie a 10 out of 10. 'Cause, see, real directors spend most of their time making movies, not doing damage-control for their fragile egos. I wish Orson Welles were alive so he could fart on Uwe Boll. -> Uwe is now challenging the critics that failed to watch his films -> prior to reviewing or commenting, "TO PUT UP OR SHUT UP!" -> -> On July 17th, 2006 Uwe will start filming his next feature film, -> "Seed", starring Will Sanderson, Ralf Moeller, Michael Pare & -> Andrew Jackson. Following that film he will go into production in -> late September with another feature called "Postal". Both movies -> will be shot in Vancouver, BC, Canada. Oh, damn. I mis-read that last paragraph. For a second I thought it said Uwe Boll will be shot in Vancouver. -> Towards the end of the filming of the "Postal" the 5 most -> outspoken critics will be flown into Vancouver and supplied with -> hotel rooms. As a guest of Uwe Boll they will be given the -> chance to be an extra / stand-in in "Postal" and have the -> opportunity to put on boxing gloves and enter a BOXING RING to -> fight Uwe Boll. Each critic will have the opportunity to bring -> down Uwe in a 10 bout match. There will be 5 matches planned -> over the last two days of the movie. Certain scenes from these -> boxing matches will become part of the Postal movie. All 5 fights -> will be televised on the internet and will be covered by -> international press. And then his next movie will be even more special, because it'll be directed by a guy who got five concussions in two days! He'll probably shoot the whole movie with the lens cap on, or something. -> To be eligible you must be a critic who has posted on the -> internet or have written in magazines / newspapers at least two -> extremely negative articles in the year 2005. AW FUCK! I was only able to find _one_ I wrote in December, 2005. Know what this means? UWE BOLL SPECIFICALLY CHOSE HIS RULES BECAUSE HE WAS AFRAID OF GETTING WHOMPED BY KIBO. What a pussy. I think Uwe Boll might be the only person here who's actually afraid of me. I'm a pretty harmless guy -- I only beat up people who want me to beat them up, and most people don't do like Uwe Boll and ask for a poundin'. -> Critics of 2006 will not be considered. Please submit proof -> of your negative reviews & comments via e-mail to: -> -> info@boll-kg.de Hmm, I suppose I could fudge the "Date:" headers... No. That would be wrong. It would be wrong to change the digits in a message header just so I could justifiably beat up a guy who made some bad movies. I'll just have to find a way to beat him up without tampering with the evidence. -> All challengers must be healthy males, weighing between 64 -> kilograms (140 lbs.) and 86 kilograms (190 lbs.). That's me! Note that he specified "must be healthy males", because he's afraid of getting his ass kicked by a girl, or a guy who's already in a coma. -> You will require to be physically examined by a doctor and sign -> the necessary release forms for liability, etc. You will not be -> paid or entitled to any residuals or fees. ...as if anyone wants to beat up Uwe Boll just for the money. -> Your transportation & hotel costs will be covered. -> -> Dr. Uwe Boll's invitation to fight and / or appear in his film is -> extended to all his harshest critics. Roger Avary and Quentin -> Tarantino are among the most eligible candidates. Tarantino could probably break Boll's brain without even touching him. The talent rays coming from Tarantino would make Boll melt the way that guy in "Raiders Of The Lost Ark" would have melted if he had opened the ark to see that inside was a better movie. Does Tarantino even know who Boll is? I have a hard time imagining Tarantino stooping to the level of even mentioning him, 'cause that would mean he'd have to take time out from his busy schedule of having his face photographed for the covers of old kung-fu movies he wasn't in. -> The following posters to the IMDb have earned the right to be -> placed on the list of the most extreme anti-Boll critics and are -> therefore eligible to enter the contest. Contestants will be -> chosen to be an extra and physically box Dr. Uwe Boll. -> -> Headhunter004 -> -> Adultswimlover2 -> -> Evolution_500_2 -> -> Greatnates -> -> thedoomsdaybegins -> -> GunnerySergeantNumbnuts -> -> Murdoc995 -> -> AimeeBrookes -> -> ChineseOldMarketMan -> -> GabeLogan9060 -> -> Veedragon40 -> -> BigSexy77 -> -> TylerDurden52 Ah, so this is Boll's plan. He's following the assigned tasks of Project Mayhem, specifically, the one where he has to challenge someone to a fight he'll lose. He thinks he can become cool enough to join Fight Club if he gets his teeth knocked out by all 52 Tyler Durdens (there's one in each city, they're like Bozos. Angry Bozos.) -> Dan223-1 -> -> howdy4641430-1 Based on that list of names, I'm going to put my money on "ChineseOldMarketMan" -- he's one of the few who was clever enough to come up with a name that wasn't already taken dozens of times, and he's Chinese so of course he knows kung fu, and he's old so of course he's really good at kung fu because kung fu masters always have really long white hair they can kill you with, which Uwe Boll would know if he watched any of those movies that have Tarantino's scary photo on the box. -> If critics want to bring Uwe Boll down, here is their chance to -> physically bring him down and have the entire world watch them do it. Well, actually, I doubt too many people would be interested in watching it. Fighting Uwe Boll is like those tedious attempts to show bowling on TV: Why watch it when you can _do_ it? And for the record, I am not attempting to accept Uwe Boll's challenge because he made bad movies -- lots of people make bad movies, and Boll's weren't even interesting enough bad movies to get me to see any of them -- I'm accepting his "please beat me up" challenge because he was so asinine as to dare me to beat him up. Except that his sissy rules preclude me from beating him up because apparently he extended this invitation to everyone on the Internet except me. I hope he falls and breaks his stupid. -- K. I hereby DEMAND that everyone write to info@boll-kg.de and tell Uwe Boll to let me beat him up. SOMETHING'S HONOR MUST BE AVENGED (we can come up with a reason later, there important thing is that I just want to see a director bleed.) Once again, write to: info@boll-kg.de ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Uwe Boll threw down the glove, I picked it up, and now, it's your move. Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 18:31:18 -0400 There. I did it. I sent Uwe Boll an E-mail explaining that I was qualified to enter his "PUNCH UWE BOLL IN THE FACE" contest except for that special rule he made just to keep me from entering. I would show the message to you people, but as you know Internet E-mail is always completely private, so you'll never know whether I used the word "jerk" as a noun or as a verb. But I'm sure nothing will come of it, because the rules specifically disallow me from accepting his open challenge because I only mocked his genius once during 2005. All the other times were in 2006, but the rules say I had to have mocked him twice during 2005. Now you can help! Write to --> info@boll-kg.de <-- and say something like "Dear Uwe Boll, please stop being so lame and let Kibo beat you up like you asked him to. You must be a real wuss if you're afraid of Kibo. Please let Kibo beat you up." Please write to info@boll-kg.de and tell Dr. Uwe Boll's leash-holders that he should let me fight him. Anyone who helps me enter Uwe Boll's "I SUCK SO YOU CAN HIT ME" contest will be placed on my list of people I promise I will never run over with a street-sweeper, steam-roller, or hovercraft. Thank you for your support. -- K. It's a good thing I've never seen any of his terrible movies, because then I'd be even less qualified to enter his "PEOPLE WHO HATE UWE BOLL'S GREAT MOVIES FOR NO REASON CAN HURT HIM" competition. So heed my advice: In the future, whenever you're tempted to see a movie based on a video game, remind yourself that seeing it might disqualify you from punching the director. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 17:35:35 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, Nick, I guess you have a big decision to make, because it wouldn't > > be fair of me to call dibs on beating up Uwe Boll unless you turn down > > this important opportunity to beat up someone who deserves a good beating > > because his movies are bad. > > Uh-oh, there may be a problem of eligibility here. I think Nick may have > blown the 86 kg weight limit--and do you even make the 64 kg minimum? Yes, actually. Last time I weighed myself I was about 145 pounds, and I imagine I'm probably closer to 150 now. > Now, can an American sue a German in the Canadian courts for discrimi- > nation against not very fat and somewhat skinny people? Oh, who cares about those people? I'm sure there are lots of other medium-sized guys who are eligible to break Uwe Boll over their knee. Skinny people and fat people already have too many advantages in life. Everything's easy when you're skinny (unfortunately, they're replacing all the subway turnstiles here 'cause I think they caught on that people who are really tall and skinny could go through without turning them, dammit) and being fat has obvious advantages. Everyone loves fat people because they're all jolly! And they know where all the good restaurants are! And they're too mild-mannered to beat up Uwe Boll when they could just sit on him! Fat people rule, almost as much as tall skinny people do. -- K. Dr. Boll didn't specify a height limit, maybe he's going to try to disqualify me for being too tall. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 18:43:58 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > > > blown the 86 kg weight limit--and do you even make the 64 kg minimum? > > > > Yes, actually. Last time I weighed myself I was about 145 pounds, > > and I imagine I'm probably closer to 150 now. > > Ah, so I see you must have been hitting the creatine to get pumped up to > bash Herr Dr. Boll in the face ever since chiming in with Nick's scathing > indictment of him last year. No wonder you were so excited to see this > press release that passes for news! I just hope that medical exam he > subjects you to doesn't disqualify you for improper enzyme levels. No creatine. Any weight I may have gained is simply the bacon I've eaten and the facial hair I've grown. > > fat people because they're all jolly! And they know where all the > > good restaurants are! And they're too mild-mannered to beat up > > Uwe Boll when they could just sit on him! Fat people rule, almost > > as much as tall skinny people do. > > Um, I wonder, is there any chance you would like to join me at Le > Pavillon in Poughkeepsie or Mughal Raj in Rhinebeck to discuss these > propositions? I'm not sure but I think they might be able to arrange to > remove one seat for someone as important as me. If you're trying to challenge me to a fight at one of those secret fight clubs, forget it. I'd never hit a nice guy like you. Make some bad movies and then we'll talk. Until then, wait in line behind Steve Oedekerk. Also, you have to have posted exactly five (no more, no fewer) messages mocking my fighting skills between July 12th, 1936 and July 14th, 1936, and you must have that disease from "Unbreakable" that makes your entire body shatter if I touch it. I'm sorry, but those are the rules, I'm not afraid to fight you but obviously I can't because those are the rules. Why is everyone on the Internet challenging me to boxing matches today? What happened to the days when everyone on the Internet was nice to each other at all times, you know, before July, 1936? Seriously, I love Uwe Boll's open invitation to allow everyone in the world to beat him up but only if they meet some impossible criteria. It's like something P.T. Barnum would have done in the 19th century if he had been very, very stupid. I bet if anyone _does_ actually get plane tickets from Dr. Boll to go beat him up, afterwards Dr. Boll will go crying to the police claiming it was an unprovoked assault. Hmm, maybe I should get a third party to buy me the plane tickets. Anyone got two tickets to Vancouver? (One for me, one for my oversize carry-on bag filled with candy I'll eat with one hand while punching him with the other.) -- K. I just want to know why none of you wimps on alt.religion.kibology has also tried to accept Uwe Boll's challenge. It's not as if his rules make it possible that you'd ever actually have to fight. C'mon, do like me and be a big man by committing to the fistfight that's never actually gonna happen. If you don't, you're a bigger wuss than he is. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 19:40:07 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just want to know why none of you wimps on > > alt.religion.kibology has also tried to accept > > Uwe Boll's challenge. > > Because wimps don't fight. Duh! I'm also a gurl wimp and gurl's aren't > supposed to fight, or so I've been told. Yeah, but you're not even allowed to accept Uwe Boll's offer of a free trip to a fistfight that you'll win. He's terrified a girl will whip him (and not in a good way.) In general, girls aren't supposed to fight. They have much better ways of taking revenge on men they don't like. Slow, subtle ones which last for years and years. Girls treat revenge like a game of Go, and guys treat revenge like a scratch ticket. We like instant gratification, not the elaborate deviousness of a woman plotting in advance what she'll do in the divorce court ten years from now. All women are twelve steps ahead of all men when it comes to invisible forms of revenge. Men just know how to make things explode, bleed, or fall into swimming pools at society parties. I think you should write Dr. Boll a letter saying you would fight him if he wasn't afraid of getting beat up by a girlie-girl. But he might not even read it, because maybe he doesn't read mail from girls because women have better verbal skills than men and any woman could verbally destroy him, especially as he only thinks he speaks English. So instead you should just write him a letter saying "Please let Kibo fight you," especially because I've always wanted to visit Vancouver. Send you polite demands to: info@boll-kg.de When I go to Vancouver to be in Dr. Boll's imaginary punch-off that he's never going to actually have, I'll bring a movie camera and make my own movie. It'll be based on "Qix", and titled "Look, I Am Punching Uwe Boll And The Title Sequence Isn't Even Over Yet." It will make a trillion dollars at the box office or I will offer to fight anyone who didn't pay to see it. Also I will become German and stupid. That wears off later, right? -- K. I suddenly have a craving for fried sausage. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 21:53:09 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > Yeah, but you're not even allowed to accept Uwe Boll's offer of a > > free trip to a fistfight that you'll win. He's terrified a girl > > will whip him (and not in a good way.) > > I see that. It's just as well. I've seen some pretty tough looking > female boxers. You'd think he'd have thought a bit further > ahead and specified no females _and_ no guys in that weight range > with any formal boxing training. Well, he does seem to hate people who dislike his movies without having seen all of them, so that would indicate he's already ruling out people too stupid to have paid to see every movie based on a videogame. If he were smart he'd say "YOU MUST BE EVEN STUPIDER THAN ME TO ENTER THIS COMPETITION". But then again, if he were smart, he'd be somebody who's not Uwe Boll. I wish I had Takashi Miike's phone number. > I also note you have to have insulted him in writing prior to 2006. > You've done that, right? Duh. Is there anyone I _haven't_ insulted (intentionally or accidentally) prior to 2006, you clod? > > All women are twelve steps ahead of all men when it comes to > > invisible forms of revenge. Men just know how to make things > > explode, bleed, or fall into swimming pools at society parties. > > I think I prefer the way men handle these things. Mmmmmmm... if you were a guy I'd ask you to marry me. > > So instead you should just write him a letter > > saying "Please let Kibo fight you," especially because I've > > always wanted to visit Vancouver. Send you polite demands to: > > > > info@boll-kg.de > > Well, so long as it's a polite one. Okay. Are you sure you're up > to ten rounds? I know you don't think he'll do it but what if he > does? > I need to know for a bet er...homework assignment. I don't start fights. But in the few fights I've been in, I've never been the loser. Never. 'Cause I'm a psycho, man. Also, there is NO WAY he's doing five ten-round fights in two days. Unless he can find the time after winning the Olympics all by himself. Seriously, if he buys me the ticket to Vancouver, I'll get in the ring with him. Of course, my strategy might be somewhat unorthodox, but that's what you people are paying me for, right? -- K. I'll do anything to ruin the movie Uwe Boll is making about this. It's like spoiling a Korean tourist's snapshot of the bus station, except you'll get to see it on DVD instead of on Flickr. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 19:27:37 -0400 Otto Bahn (Dankly@dank.dank.com.dk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Why is everyone on the Internet challenging me to boxing matches today? > > You didn't get the memo? This is National Challenge Kibo > To A Boxing Match day. Put up your Dukes! I'm not wearing Daisy Dukes. I guess I'm just more fashionable than you. > I hope you are prepared. I can make over two hundred boxes > per hour. So? I can beat up Uwe Boll in a lightsaber fight on the surface of the Moon. You know it has to be true because he won't let me fight him that way. -- K. Does the fact that I've accepted Uwe Boll's challenge and Quentin Tarantino hasn't yet make me superior to Tarantino in some way? I hope not, because I don't want to piss him off, as I hope that he and I can become good friends and re- enact scenes from Seijun Suzuki's and Takeshi Miike's and Sabu's movies together. I call dibs on the good ski mask. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 19:19:49 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Seriously, I love Uwe Boll's open invitation to allow everyone in the > > world to beat him up but only if they meet some impossible criteria. > > It's like something P.T. Barnum would have done in the 19th century > > if he had been > Andy Kaufman. Great minds think alike -- I was just thinking about Andy Kaufman while I was on the toilet. That's another reason I won't fight you, because you're almost as big a genius as me. Anyway, I was thinking that this whole event is just like the time Andy Kaufman paid that wrestler to pretend to hurt him to freak out any Andy Kaufman fans who aren't bright enough to realize that both comedy and wrestling involve some degree of pretending, except that because Uwe Boll is never going to actually let me accept his offer to fight him it's an even more pure form of Pretend Performance Art. Andy Kaufman's rules with regard to wrestling people from the audience were simple: He only wrestled women. This was because he was committing wrestling comedy to cover up the fact that he was a frotteur -- he wore the longjohns under his trunks because he allegedly had his torso wrapped in duct tape to hide his erection. So, since Uwe Boll has a "no women", "no skinny guys", "no fat guys", and "no unhealthy guys" ruleset, this must mean that he's turned on only by rubbing his penis against medium-sized guys who don't have cooties. You'd think there would be a lot of ways he could get that experience without having to get punched in the face, especially since he lives in Germany. He could just join their all-gay-skinhead army. Seriously, challenging everyone on the Internet to fight him with provisos that disqualify anyone on the Internet to fight him makes him the biggest loser in the world. Remember that guy who told the entire Internet he was leaving forever and if he ever came back he would give each of them $1000 and then he immediately came back? Not as big a loser as Dr. Uwe Boll. Andy Kaufman with his penis wrapped in duct tape? Not as pathetic as Dr. Uwe Boll. Me? Not as obnoxious as Dr. Uwe Boll. I DEMAND MY RIGHT TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF UWE BOLL TO PROVE I'M BETTER THAN HIM!!! -- K. "Kibo Vs. Uwe Boll" should be a video game, so that ten years later he could make a bad movie out of it, so that he'd have to fight everyone on the Internet again. Too bad I no longer work in the videogame industry. Hey, anyone here want to hire me? I got some great ideas, assuming that the Nintendo Wii will have the ability to actually amputate the players' limbs when they lose. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2006 18:06:51 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > > > We just saw that they were making a movie > > about a video game and knew instinctively that those always suck. > > This is just nonsense. Bladerunner was one of the best > SF films ever made. Dude, "Blade Runner" wasn't based on a video game. It was based on William S. Burroughs's "Naked Lunch", specifically the line about "heavy metal thunder". I was straining my brain last night trying to think of any movies based on video games that didn't come out completely sucky. When you think about it, any subgenre where the highest-profile movies are "Alien Vs. Predator" and "Doom" is pretty lame. I mean, "Ecks Vs. Sever"? "Silent Hill"? "Alone In The Dark"? "Double Dragon" and "Street Fighter" and "Mortal Kombat"? The two "Tomb Raider" films? The "Resident Evil" movies? The "Pokˇmon" movies? "Wing Commander"? I eventually decided the two that were at least sort of worth watching were "Super Mario Bros." (which was pretty enjoyable, despite having some parts missing and a few screeching halts) and "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within" (which was beautiful-looking, and started out really nicely, but gradually got really bozotic, and also has nothing whatsoever to do with the game as far as I know.) Then there are the movies that were designed to promote video games that hadn't yet been released, and those tend to be a little better -- "Tron" and "The Last Starfighter" are highly-flawed puff pieces, but still enjoyable as light action movies (and the soundtrack album from "Tron" is worth having.) "Cloak & Dagger" and "Superman 3" were pretty bad. Also I think "The Wizard" (the one with Fred Savage) was a commercial for the Nintendo PowerGlove, but I haven't seen it. The highest-profile video-game-to-movie adaptation coming up is "Spy Hunter", although I don't know whether they will finally pay the Mancini estate for ripping off the "Peter Gunn" music. It stars The Rock (who was also in "Doom") and will be directed by John Woo (a director whose Hollywood pictures I strongly dislike) and, frankly, is about twenty years too late. Now, if you want to talk really sucky, there are the movies based on board games: "Clue", "Jumanji" (which was based on an imaginary board game), "Dungeons & Dragons"... and movies based on bubble-gum cards: "Mars Attacks!", "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie"... Geez, now I need to go back and put "Warning: *** DEEP HURTING ***" at the top of this article. Thanks a lot for making me write something I'm going to have to go back and edit, you person. -- K. I've been using "you person" as an all-purpose you-can't- even-tell-if-it's-meant-as- a-pejorative in real life. It's a great timesaver because you can just say it any time when you don't feel like having to decide whether to be pleasant or sarcastic. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dammit! I want money! Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 17:56:36 -0400 According to my E-mail, I've been winning at least a dozen major international lotteries every day... and yet, I'm still not rich! Could it be that one of these E-mails is a scam and has stolen all the money I've won from the other lotteries? I WANT BATMAN TO INVESTIGATE THIS! -- K. Also he should let me drive the Batmobile and push the button that fires the missiles at our old gym teachers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I love you guys... Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 19:57:45 -0400 I'm receiving the first reports that some of you have sent the necessary E-mails to Uwe Boll to tell him he's a coward for challenging everyone on the Internet except me to beat him up. I am grateful for all the support I've received so far. But there's still more work to be done, because I haven't gotten the chance to beat Uwe Boll (whoever he is) up yet. Keep those cards and letters coming to --> info@boll-kg.de <-- to let Uwe Boll know that he's a serious loser if he doesn't fight me. I really want to