From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: God is fair Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 00:18:33 -0400 In sci.physics, kurtstocklmeir@earthlink.net wrote: > > A person who is good will not kiss any girl who has bodies of animals > between her teeth. > > A girl can not be sexy if she has bodies of animals between her teeth. > > Kurt Stocklmeir Dear Kurt, Speaking as a person who eats nothing but veal-fed veal, bacon-fed ham, and ham-fed Spam, I am really sexy. Is it because I am not a girl? Or am I not as sexy as I think I am in the physics newsgroup? Your only friend, Kibo! The exclamation point is there to prove that bacon is good! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: yadda yadda salty balls ho-hum yadda Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 00:59:44 -0400 Articles like this are why I keep searching newsfeeds for the word "dodecahedron". The dodecahedron is the wackiest Platonic solid, with the exception of the bacohedron. [www.foodnavigator.com] -> -> Will round salt revolutionise food development? That depends. Are there parts of the world where people still use salt shakers because they haven't switched to eating pre-oversalted convenience food like good Americans? -> 09/06/2006 -- Two Indian scientists tell FoodNavigator how they -> managed to achieve round salt granules, and what this -> breakthrough could mean for the future of food development. -> Parthasarathi Dastidar and Pushpito K. Ghosh, part of a research -> group from the Central Salt & Marine Chemicals Research Institute -> in Bhavnagar, India, developed the new free-flowing table salt in -> collaboration with a major food company in India. "Parth Dastidar" was my favorite character from Hanna-Barbera's "Star Wars" cartoon. However, he was always accompanied by an annoying toddler who kept pointing out that he was wearing "Pushpito K. Ghosh" brand overalls. His name was Spridle, and he hid in the Mach 5 during The Race To Make Salt Have Less Sharp Corners For Extra Safety. It was the wackiest "Wacky Races" / "Speed Racer" / "Star Wars" crossover since "The Wacky Races & Speed Racer & Star Wars Fourth Of July Special" starring Brett Somers and Allen Ludden singing "Salt Is Nature's Toothbrush" and "Hey, Look, They're Hardly Animating Boba Fett". Also starring the voice of Arnold Stang as Path Dastidar and Salty The Corroded Droid as himself. -> The breakthrough could impact numerous food makers. -> -> "Standard common salt tends to cake easily, especially under -> humid summer conditions," Dr Pushpito Ghosh told FoodNavigator. No, kitchen slaves tend to cake. Or in Einstein's case, he made his wife do it. He cared not for cake. Einstein preferred a nice lemon meringue, because cake are round, pie are square, rrrrrrr Einstein crush Superman! "Look out, Jimmy Olsen! The blue Einsteinium has turned Professor Albert Einstein into Bizarro Einstein, the only person on Bizarro World to not have invented the atomic bomb!" "Rrrrrrrr! Me punch Superman while combing my hair neatly!" "A blast from my sanity vision should restore your brain to its ordinary geniusness!" *ZEEEEEEEE* "Eat sanity beams, Bizarro Einstein!" "What -- Hey, I'm cured! Gosh, thank you, Superman! I and the entire world of professional physics owe you a debt of gratitude! How much money do we owe you?" "Heh-heh-heh, silly Einstein, you don't have to pay me. Just help me find a way to get this Kryptonite lock off my bicycle and we'll call it even. And by the way, before you go back to work, you should muss up your hair the way it's supposed to be." THE END... OR WAS IT? -> "Moreover, even if there is no caking, the flow of granular -> substances can be retarded (A 1,000-PIECE ACCORDION, KAZOO, HARMONICA, AND BAGPIPE ORCHESTRA PLAYS THE PEOPLE'S LIBERATION ARMY'S MARCH OVER AND OVER FOR TWO HOURS WHILE A MILLION IDENTICAL CHINESE CHILDREN RIDE UNICYCLES IN CIRCLES AROUND SUN WUKONG AND A GIANT SLOT MACHINE WITH PICTURES OF DESK CALCULATORS ON ALL THE REELS. THE LARGEST, TACKIEST, NOISIEST PARADE IN HUMAN HISTORY ENDS WITH AN ACTUAL ATOMIC BOMB BEING DETONATED IN THE MIDDLE OF TIENANMEN SQUARE, FOLLOWED BY SUN WUKONG JUMPING OVER THE MUSHROOM CLOUD. AND NOW, BACK TO THE SENTENCE.) -> by high contact area between the granules. A sphere is the -> best geometry to reduce the latter." Actually, I'd think the best geometry for that would be if all your salt was in one big granule. Because granules cannot touch themselves (it's a sin, according to physics.) -> Ghosh pointed out that any crystalline material such as salt has -> well defined faces. For example, a standard salt crystal is cubic -> in morphology and has six square faces. "cubic in morphology", as opposed to cubic in... what? Hmm, the only other type of cubic I can think of is "cubic in onomatopoeia", which describes Q*Bert: "cu-BIC! cu-BIC! cu-BIC! cu-BIC! cu-BIC! aaaaaaaaaaaaaugh *SMACK* Yeburikshgnurb!" -> [...] -> -> "The basic observation that cubes can be transformed into -> dodecahedron is not new but no one had thought perhaps from the -> angle that we did," said Ghosh. Urgh. Scientists shouldn't make puns about dodecahedral angles. Phi on them! -> [...] -> -> The end result, says Ghosh, is that the food industry has a -> potentially more convenient and aesthetically appealing product -> to offer. The fact that the modified salt contains a trace amount -> of glycine (0.5-1.0 per cent w/w) may also be a boon to the food -> industry since glycine, although non-essential amino acid, is -> known to impart a certain amount of refreshing and sweetish -> flavour. 'Cause, of course, everyone wants their salt to be as sweet as possible. -> [...] -> -> "We also expect that FDA clearance would be simple since glycine -> should be a perfectly acceptable additive in salt." ...as opposed to some chemical that's bad for you, like if they added sodium chloride to stuff. -- K. The new dodecasalt is expected to be popular with "Dungeons & Dragons" nerds, and anyone who liked "The Phantom Tollbooth", assuming there's any difference between the two fan clubs. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: yadda yadda salty balls ho-hum yadda Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 00:51:56 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Heh-heh-heh, silly Einstein, you don't have to pay me. Just help > > me find a way to get this Kryptonite lock off my bicycle and we'll > > call it even. And by the way, before you go back to work, you > > should muss up your hair the way it's supposed to be." > > Einstein liked getting hair-care products and cufflinks from all the school > children in the world for his birthday. All that relativity stuff was just > so he could get free hair gel. He didn't use hair gel. You're thinking of Benjamin Disraeli. THINK ABOUT BENJAMIN DISRAELI'S HAIR! WOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT SCARY HAIR! DISRAELI HAIR! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT IS THE SCARIEST HAIR IN THE WORLD! YOU CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT THE HAIR OF DISRAELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! > Also, he would have to be one of the only people you could get a letter to > by addressing it thusly: > Einstein > USA Big deal. I used to have: Kibo 02116-0722 I win, because his was eleven letters, and mine was only four letters. (Don't bother writing there, that mail drop is long gone.) PBS recently showed some repeat airings of the documentary "Einstein's Wife", about how evil he was to his wife while he was cheating on her. He was one of those husbands who liked to draw up lists of rules for his wife, like "speak only when spoken to". Basically a total slavemaster, except that wasn't what he won his Nobel Prize in. Who knew that Einstein had yet to master normal human social interaction? All along we thought he was a perfectly ordinary super-genius who couldn't tie his own shoes, but it turns out he was maladjusted. I guess not enough people sent him postcards to get him into the Guinness Book so he could be happy. Help retroactively make Einstein happy so that he can posthumously stop beating his wife. Send your postcards to: Einstein USA 1948 Also, for every thousand postcards Einstein receives, our friend Wiblur gets a free dialysis machine and a bag of Tootsie Pops. I know it must be true because Adam and Jamie never said anything about it on "MythBusters". -- K. WOOOOOOO! CREEPY DISRAELI HAIR!!!! http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_06_disraeli_hair_1.jpg ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: yadda yadda salty balls ho-hum yadda Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 01:31:30 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, for every thousand postcards Einstein receives, our friend > > Wiblur gets a free dialysis machine and a bag of Tootsie Pops. > > I know it must be true because Adam and Jamie never said anything > > about it on "MythBusters". > > Why is Jamie the one who always goes underpants shopping all the time on > that show? 'Cause he keeps wearing them out because they rub against the end of that rod that's up his ass. > If Kari fans are bad on the forums for the show, what are the > Jamie fans like? Too gay for the Internet? I think Grant's the sexy one. Adam's a lot of fun and kinda cute, but Grant's the truly sexy one. I've liked him ever since he built his first killer robot on one of those twelve identical robot shows that were on during the same summer five years ago. Guys who build death robots aren't always that handsome, but it sure doesn't hurt. I might even date an average-looking person who can build a good death robot. -- K. But only if they let me use the robot for my own evil purposes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What does "beautiful" mean in this context? Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 01:21:58 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > I can't quite figure this out--from an AP story about the death of > Billy Preston: > > -> Billy Preston, the exuberant keyboardist who landed dream gigs with > -> the Beatles and the Rolling Stones and enjoyed his own series of hit > -> singles including "Outta Space" and "Nothing From Nothing," died > -> Tuesday at 59. > -> > -> Preston's longtime manager, Joyce Moore, said Preston had been in a > -> coma since November in a care facility and was taken to a Scottsdale > -> hospital Saturday after his condition deteriorated. > -> > -> "He had a very, very beautiful last few hours and a really beautiful > -> passing," Moore said by telephone from Germany. > > He was in a coma. His organs were failing. How is that "very, very > beautiful"? Maybe he got better opiates in the hospital than in the > care facility? Being in a coma can be plenty beautiful. Remember, "coma" does not necessarily imply "unconscious". You can have a coma while walking around if you really want to. If you don't believe me, check the Glasgow Coma Scale or wait in line at the motor vehicle bureau. The most common definition of "coma" is a score of 3 to 8 on the Glasgow Coma Scale is a coma (9 to 15 being whatever the opposite of a coma is) though some sources say anything below 15 is at least a light coma. (There are also sources that only go up to 14 instead of 15, and for cases where someone has a tube down their throat an alternative scoring system has to be used.) In any case, "coma" includes lots of aberrant neurological states that someone can still have while being awake. (Unless you score a 3, in which case you're basically a vegetable.) Basically, there's no hard line between "conscious" and "vegetative". There are a whole lot of cognitively-impaired states in the middle. And if those aren't "very, very beautiful", then why did the Beatles and Rolling Stones do all those songs about how hard drugs are fun? If you still don't believe me that there are a lot of people who are in wide-eyed comas, I dare you to take a job providing phone tech support. If you can't get someone to use the correct mouse button when you tell them to right-click, you're talking to a coma patient. -- K. They really should just print "USE THIS BUTTON WHEN TECH SUPPORT TELLS YOU TO RIGHT-CLICK" on that button. Also it should give electric shocks if anyone thinks "single-click" means to click twice. "I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY CHARGED ME TWICE WHEN I DOUBLE-CLICKED 'ADD TO CART'!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: SORRY RELIGION Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 01:36:47 -0400 twillis (thetwillis@yahoo.com) wrote: > > persadot3@yahoo.com wrote: > > > > THIS IS A SORRY SCUMBAG RELIGION. CALL 828.699.3093 TO TALK ABOUT IT. > > RACHEL > > Oh, darn, I was hoping this would be about people who worship the board > game. > > I was always liked the design of the pieces and the bright colors. And it takes significantly less time to play than parcheesi, but with all the boringness intact. For real fun, you want the Chinese version, "airplane chess". I've seen several styles of airplane chess set. You get a board with a "Sorry!" map (i.e. simplified parcheesi) and the tokens are either little molded plastic airplanes or checkers with pictures of airplanes printed on them. My best guess is that some sort of pocket travel "Sorry!" set mutated into a public-domain game when it reached Asia. Now that I have a Chinese chess set (the game with the cannons and one elephant) and a Japanese chess set (the one with the lance and no elephants) I am equipped to take anyone on at any form of chess, except for airplane chess, which I don't have a set for. I kept seeing them when I was shopping for the Chinese and Japanese chess sets. Also because at one store they were right next to the tentacle porn. I need a go set as well (go is also called "Chinese chess" but is not to be confused with the one that has the elephant) because it's been a long time since I've attempted a game of go. I think as far as all the various things called "chess" go, the one with the elephant is the most fun. I mean, it's got cannons! Cannons are inherently fun, even when they're not real! So, in order to combine the fun of Chinese chess with the pretty design of Sorry!, why isn't there a Pop-O-Matic version of Chinese chess? Is it just because the people in Hong Kong don't want to have to redesign that vitally-important thirteen-dollar stamp? -- K. Every time I see that stamp I think of Homer Simpson yelling "YOU SUNK MY SCRABBLE SHIP!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: People in public who just aren't trying. Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 01:55:40 -0400 So, Friday I went to the mall because it was raining for the 39th straight day and I wanted to do something indoors. While at Best Buy (not downloading Nintendo DS game demos from the store's broken Nintendo DS wireless thingie) there was a slacker dude shopping there wearing a bathrobe over a T-shirt. An actual plaid flannel bathrobe, really ratty-looking (unlike the always-pristine one Arthur Dent wore throughout his epic adventures across time and space.) Then, coming home on the Green Line, I saw an older man wearing an old ecru raincoat with hairy legs sticking out underneath. My first thought was "Oh, geez, the '70s subway flasher stereotypes have come out of hibernation," but then I noticed he was wearing a white dress shirt underneath (with the collar sticking out of the raincoat.) He was facing away from me, but his coat was unfastened, so I concluded he wasn't actually a flasher (or if he was, all the other people on the train were too jaded to react.) When he turned to exit, I saw that he wasn't wearing pants, he was wearing gray flannel boxer shorts. Underpants, dress shirt, old raincoat. Thus, in one afternoon I encountered both a person who thought a bathrobe was outdoor clothing and a person who thought underpants were outdoor clothing. Is this some new trend of people waking up an dashing out the door to go shopping without first getting dressed? When I peel myself out of bed, I'm always careful to take off my pajamas and put on some actual leather or camo or something, but I get the feeling a lot of people have decided to erase the line between "clothing only my bed sees me wearing" and "clothing I wear when walking through the rain to the subway." They're allowed, but it just makes me think that these people are so uninterested in participating in society that they have to be careful never to use the word "brains" in a sentence or they'll be mistaken for zombies and shot as they wander around in old, dirty underwear. I hate to think what the next stage of this will be. Maybe these people will start strolling around wearing nothing but diapers. When that happens, I'm never going to go to the mall again. -- K. Suddenly I have a new reason to like Amazon and eBay. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: People in public who just aren't trying. Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 16:31:30 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Thus, in one afternoon I encountered both a person who thought a > > bathrobe was outdoor clothing and a person who thought underpants > > were outdoor clothing. > > Slippers, shoes or flip-flops? I dunno. Why, does your foot fetish depend on people wearing a bathrobe or underpants with some particular type of shoes? Is there a gas pedal involved? A couple people have noted that college students sometimes attend classes in their widdle jammie-jams. But the two people I encountered on Friday weren't on a college campus. They were in the real world where actual human beings could see them. Plus, I have never once encountered college students wearing pajamas to class, even though I went to Emerson College. ^ | EASY-OPEN RESEALABLE PARAGRAPH patent pending -- K. If you think these people wearing underwear in public are weird, you should see how weird the underwear you _don't_ see is. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: People in public who just aren't trying. Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 16:20:05 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I hate to think what the next stage of this will be. Maybe these > > people will start strolling around wearing nothing but diapers. > > Are you trying to tell me you've seen pictures of me from November 1, > 1986? Of course. Didn't you know it made the newspapers? "HALLOWEEN PARTY LEAVES MAN INCONTINENT" was splattered across the front page. Also printed on it. The entire world saw you on your diapered walkabout. Haven't you learned that the purpose of the American newspaper industry is to maintain social conformity by printing embarrassing photographs of grown men walking around in diapers? Shame on you for wearing a diaper in public and not understanding the secret anti-bozo agenda of the legitimate news media. You sicken me. Again. I implore you -- it's now time for you to take off those diapers. You're graduating to big-boy pants. And you have many brands to choose from: Garanimals, Health-Tex, Oshkosh B'Gosh, McKids, or just an ordinary T-shirt with "I AM NOT WEARING DIAPERS UNDER THIS" written on it in crayon. > Fortunately, it was unseasonably warm and dry that week. Had the > night been at all dank, the cheesy black nylon vampire cape would have > been frightfully insufficient. This isn't going to turn into one of those Ed Wood porn films where Criswell puts on an angora sweater and a diaper, is it? Because if it is, I'm going to change the channel so fast it'll make your head spin. I'm sure there must be something better on, like maybe an Andy Warhol game show where the object is to not do anything for nine hours. -- K. So how drunk was Criswell in "Orgy Of The Dead"? "THROW GOLD AT HER! I'VE HIT BOTTOM! MORE GOLD!" Sadly, even Criswell refused to appear in Wood's even sleazier "Necromania", the highlight of which was a woman giving a man a blowjob in Criswell's coffin. Eww. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: sexy migraines Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 02:11:31 -0400 Fark.com just posted a link to this exciting Oliver Sacks slashfic: [www.thesun.co.uk] -> -> Darling! I've got headache -> -> By James Clothier -> -> PEOPLE who suffer migraines have a higher sex drive, research -> revealed yesterday. Hmm, you know, I haven't had a migraine in a while... -> Those who get the extreme headaches reported levels of sexual -> desire that were 20 per cent higher than normal, the study found. -> -> Experts think it may mean that migraines are caused by the same -> brain chemical that controls human sex drive. Actually, in men, _everything_ is caused by the same brain chemicals that control sex drive. -> Men taking part in the study of 68 people reported levels of -> sexual desire that were 24 per cent higher than women. ...at last proving that John Lennon really was higher than Yoko Oko! -> But women with migraines only had a sex drive similar to men with -> tension headaches. So let's see. Everybody gets tension headaches. Most people have sex drive. A few people get migraines. I like to think I give people migraines. What do I win? -> Timothy Houle, of Wake Forest University Medical School, North -> Carolina, said: "The results support the idea that migraine, as a -> syndrome, is associated with other common phenomena. -> -> "Understanding of this link will help us to better understand the -> nature of migraine and perhaps lead to improved treatment. -> -> "Sexual desire and migraine headaches may be influenced by the -> same brain chemical." ...especially if you get a large brick of it and hit yourself over the head with it, then drill a hole in the brick and have sex with it. I predict a huge market for sexy bricks of migraine chemicals. -- K. If migraines are linked to sex, why are migraine auras such unsexy colors? I think deep red and black and bronze are sexy colors, but my migraines involve a rotating snake with the goofy magenta and green stripes. Magenta is as far from sexy as snakes get! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: tweet, tweet Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 02:36:54 -0400 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I just bought 3 cockatiels at a yard sale. I don't know why except they > are pretty danged cool. So have you trained them to stop cursing yet? > The worst part is my mini-pin started licking his chops when I brought > them in. You have a mini-pinguino? Cool! Do you keep him in the freezer in an ice cube tray? Anyway, I am surprised to find out that you bought living captive organisms at a yard sale. Didn't you worry that these _used_ critters might be part of a plot by Al-Qaeda to infect Americans with bird flu by selling them through untraceable yard sales that don't even collect sales tax? Cocaktiels are cute, though my favorite bird is still that mockingbird I once saw while I was walking around the Big Dig. He was sitting about twenty feet away from me and put on quite a show, at least a dozen songs. Why would you ever need any other birds when you could just get a mockingbird and let him do impressions of every other species? Since I live on the seventh floor (and not near any large trees) I rarely get to see any birds other than the occasional pigeon. I'm just up too high and too far from the park. (It's not like the areas of Cambridge that are right by the river, where ducks and geese just wander around.) On the plus side, this area is enough of an asphalt jungle that I don't get a lot of mosquitoes. -- K. Idea: Train a mockingbird to sing the theme from "Enterprise" and then make nerds pay not to listen to him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: tweet, tweet Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 02:58:21 -0400 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@Gmail.com) wrote: > > > > phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > > > I just bought 3 cockatiels at a yard sale. I don't know why except > > > they are pretty danged cool. The worst part is my mini-pin started > > > licking his chops when I brought them in. > > > > What waste of skin would sell cockatiels at a yard sale to just anyone > > who stumbled out of a 4x4, pushed his cap back, spit, scatched his > > nuts, and finally said "How much ta take them birds offa yer hands?"? > > He said he was having a yard sale to raise money to paint his house. It > really, really, really needs painting. Bird poop makes paint peel. (I think that's one of the most beautiful sentences in the English language, and I call dibs on having originated it before that Shakespeare guy steals it for one of the video nasties he keeps writing.) > > And it's MIN-PIN, not "mini-pin." MIN-PIN. > > I know 'technically' it is 'min-pin' but I like saying 'mini-pin' > better. I like the way it falls out of my mouth. Besides, it is my doggy > and I can call it whatever I want. If you complain once more, I am going > to start calling him my DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY! I dare you to say "DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY" around the birds until they start taking on the responsibility of saying it for you, whether or not they're the type of birds that are supposed to talk. (Everyone who watches lots of TV knows that cockatiels can speak in complete sentences to solve murder mysteries.) I think the consensus is that most cockatiels like to mimic sounds but not many of them pick up as much human speech as some of the larger, more evil birds such as parrots and Froot Loops mascots. If you get them to say "DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY", that would be about the upper limit of what you can get from cockatiels, therefore that's what you should aim for. DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY! Also try "Bird poop makes paint peel." > > I don't mean that YOU fit the above description--- just that the > > seller clearly might have sold the birds to someone fitting that > > description. > > He expressed that concern but he said I looked like a nice guy and he > was relieved he didn't end up having to sell them to someone that fit > the above description. Beside, I live in alabama and someone like you > said wouldn't buy them because they wouldn't last long in a fighting > ring. Also not much meat on 'em so 'em's not eatin' birds like flying squirrels is. -- K. So which of the birds has the purtiest mouth? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: One man's hazmat is another's cleaning fluid. Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 16:40:31 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I saw a bottle of this in a restaurant toilet: > > Sona kiselina > (Hlorovodoni€Ůna kiselina HCl 16-20%) "But, M'sieur Adam, our restaurant, she does not have ze toilettes. I think you have mistaken ze salad bar." Hydrochloric acid is okay, but if you really want deadly chemicals, go to Home Depot and get a bottle of drain opener. You can still buy gallon jugs of lye! The only drain openers they sell at supermarkets and drugstores are wussy things consisting of weak hydrochloric acid plus mucilage and perfume, but at Home Depot they have lye. (I use Pequa brand, which is just lye with bile green coloring to make it prettier.) Does anyone know a good recipe for lye ice cream? -- K. I just bought one of those old Cuisinart ice cream makers that can make two flavors at the same time. So I could do half lye, half habanero, and let them cancel each other out on somebody's tongue! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: One man's hazmat is another's cleaning fluid. Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 00:34:41 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I could do half lye, half habanero, and let them cancel > > each other out on somebody's tongue! > > Is there such a thing as a wacky sizzling sound? Have you ever heard a serious, thoughtful sizzling sound? Sizzling is one of the sounds that would come out of Benny Hill while he ran around at double-speed if those segments hadn't been filmed without sound. I heard that the only reason we don't have smellovision is that the government has already secretly cloned Benny Hill, and our nation's top priority must remain keeping Benny Hill from having access to smellovision. It's bad enough that he's already writing for The Onion. "SIZZLE!" is one of those things that's appropriate to shout anywhere, any time, although these things work even if they're not onomatopoeia. For instance, "I FRY MINE IN BUTTER!" or "I'M A BIG BOY!" are both good during silent movies, Shakespeare plays, mass marriages, military drills, divorce hearings, sex, or when stepping off the teeny little ladder onto the surface of the Moon. "Houston, the Eagle has landed -- I'M A BIG BOY! SIZZLE!" Except Neil Armstrong would probably have screwed it up and said "I'M BIG BOY! SIZZLE!" and then he'd look up at the Earth to see a nuclear war breaking out between Big Boy and Sizzler over which one of them he actually claimed the Moon in the name of. Only McDonalds would survive, because their food is indestructible. So, to answer your question, sizzling is silly. Serling is serious. I'm Rod Serling, and I'm very serious, and this is The Serious Zone. Submitted for your approval: One Benjamin Hill, forced to memorize an entire physics textbook in a parallel world where everything is always serious all the time. Let's watch him cope: "I FRY MINE IN BUTTER!" Well done, Mr. Hill. I'm Rod Serling, and I'm a big boy. The End. -- K. Sock it to... Sizzler? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: One man's hazmat is another's cleaning fluid. Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 17:15:21 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Does anyone know a good recipe for lye ice cream? > > No, but I encountered a damn nice bar of chocolate raspberry soap > once. Maybe you could adapt that recipe. I am addicted to raspberry extract. It's my favorite extract. It doesn't taste like raspberry berries taste, it tastes like raspberry flowers smell. I'd love to do a rasberry extract, green tea, and white chocolate ice cream. Especially if I can figure out how to get it inside mochi. Hmm, if I do bacon ice cream, bacon mochi would be the most Japanese snack possible that doesn't already exist. > > I just bought one of those old Cuisinart ice cream makers that > > can make two flavors at the same time. So I could do half > > lye, half habanero, and let them cancel each other out on > > somebody's tongue! > > Kids really go for those soft-serve cones with two flavors twisted > together, you know. I'm just sayin'. Look, if I'm going to make ice cream for all you people, you're each getting one and only one flavor. I'm going to use one side of the machine for all the good boys and girls, and one for the bad boys and girls, and if you want two flavors mixed together you're going to have to French kiss one of the people who hates you. See this red line I painted through the middle of the city? People who get the good ice cream stay on this side, and people who get the evil ice cream stay on the bad side. I just hope I get the recipe right so I can make some bad ice cream, I hope I'm not so inept with this thing that the ice cream always comes out delicious. -- K. As to who gets the Pop Rocks, I'm not tellin'. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name That Slavic Film Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 17:01:07 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > My little sister recently caught a Czech or Polish film on TV about a > couple who couldn't have children, so they adopted a stump. The stump > used its roots as arms and legs, like something from a Krofft production > minus the psychedelic colors. They kept giving the stump toys and food > until it grew so ravenous it started eating pets and eventually people. > They locked it up in their tenement block's dank basement, too squeamish > to kill it violently but unafraid to starve it to death. A little girl > from another apartment heard it crying, though, and started to bring it > food and toys and play with it--and then SHE was stuck with the burden of > responsibility for this homicidal golem. > > I could only guess that Kibo and maybe others here would have seen this > film repeatedly and be able to identify it. Actually, I've never seen Svenkmajer's "Otesanek" ("Little Otik"). I do have a DVD of his "Faust", though, which is touching my "Brothers Quay Collection" DVD inappropriately at this very moment. So thanks for the recommendation, I'm going to run out and get "Little Otik". In related news, earlier this afternoon I wrote up my own "name that film" article but decided not to post it yet because I want Roger Ebert to see it before you people do because I know he won't be able to answer it because it's a question about a film that doesn't actually exist. I'll post it here in a day or two because I want to play fair and let him have first crack at my completely insane question. He never writes me back. I wonder why. -- K. Maybe he's jealous of the fact that I have a DVD of the 1970's TV version of "It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's Superman", starring a doughy guy who's like Potsie but without the talent as the singing Superman, with a stellar cast including Al Molinaro, Allen Ludden, Harvey Lembeck, Leslie Ann Warren, Kenneth Mars, Gary Owens, Loretta Swit, Malachi Throne, and Phil Leeds. DEEP HURTING! So does anyone have a copy of "Electric Yakuza, Go To Hell"? It was made for French TV so it probably sucks, but it's got the greatest title ever. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name That Slavic Film Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 01:22:15 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Actually, I've never seen Svenkmajer's "Otesanek" ("Little Otik"). > > I do have a DVD of his "Faust", though, > > Dammit. I *had* succesfully repressed the memory of that creepy, > creepy puppet. And the other one. And the one with the drill. > > Thanks a pant-load, Kibo. You're welcome. Maybe in the future you should stick to films that don't have any puppets in them, so that you will never again see anything creepy. Just watch wholesome films like Takashi Miike's "Visitor Q" and no horrifying images will ever be burned into your brain. Another film which won't traumatize you because it contains no puppets is that 1929 film about Benjamin Disraeli's HAIR OF HORROR! http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_06_disraeli_hair_2.jpg http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_06_disraeli_hair_3.jpg http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_06_disraeli_hair_4.jpg Don't confuse it with the 1950 one starring Sir Alec Guinness, who was never creepy, even though in "Star Wars" he walked around wearing a bathrobe and waving his lightsaber. The 1950 film was called "The Mudlark", because he spent the whole time larking about in the mud, feeling it squishing between his toes and up his bathrobe. Behold! Obi-Wan Kenobi's hair has been parted to the dark side! http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_06_disraeli_hair_5_mud.jpg So, for your sanity, I urge you to watch "Visitor Q", "Disraeli" (1929), and "The Mudlark" (1950) until you lose your fear of DISRAELI'S SCARY HAIR. Then watch "Visitor Q" another few times until you're numb all over. Then you'll be ready for anything and I can show you what's behind this very special door... -- K. I heard Shatner is going to do a remake of "Disraeli" in an effort to win the Oscar for Scariest Hair. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name That Film (aka Dumb dream #20060612a.) Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 21:28:09 -0400 Yesterday I wrote: > > In related news, earlier this afternoon I wrote up my own "name that film" > article but decided not to post it yet because I want Roger Ebert to see > it before you people do because I know he won't be able to answer it > because it's a question about a film that doesn't actually exist. > I'll post it here in a day or two because I want to play fair and let > him have first crack at my completely insane question. > > He never writes me back. I wonder why. He's had a whole day to enjoy my E-mail sitting there in his inbox with the two or three other E-mails other people send him on any given day, so now it's your turn. Here's the article I wrote but embargoed from alt.religion.kibology until now: [begin slightly old article] So I've gotten better at the lucid dream thing lately. A few days ago I had one which became full lucid, in which I said to myself, "I'm tired of the slow, lyrical flying-by-concentrating-really-hard cliche'. This time I want to be able to just make mile-long jumps at super-speed like in 'The Matrix'," and I did (but turns out I like the slow flying better because landings from those jumps are a real pain.) Last night I had a great, cinematic semi-lucid dream. It was important enough that I immediately wrote it up and mailed it to Roger Ebert because I'm sure he has nothing better to do. Here's what I sent him: --------- CUT HERE TO PRETEND YOU ARE ROGER EBERT --------- Dear Roger, (Not wanting to waste your time, but I thought you might find this amusing.) Thank you for writing about Orson Welles's nearly-lost take on Falstaff -- I'll have to pick up one of the Brazilian DVDs of "Chimes At Midnight". But last night, I got to see a Welles film even you haven't seen! I had just watched "The Cable Guy" (fifth time -- I've only seen it so many times because I'm trying to figure out why I don't hate it) and a 1970's Jackie Chan film (back when he was still being positioned as the next Bruce Lee) so it's only natural that in my sleep, my brain would want to expose me to something a little more thoughtful. Sometimes I dream in movie form. This one was Welles's only science fiction film, made in 1946, concerning four people who take a rocket to Mars and are stranded there. I watched the entire movie (two and a half hours) thanks to the dilated time in the dream world, and when I woke up at the end, I chose to go back to sleep and re-enter the same dream in a more lucid state so I could watch the movie again. (I got halfway through the second viewing before the dream ended altogether.) The second time I was able to pay more attention to the details of Welles's editorial and acting techniques. It was a slow, suspenseful movie -- the rocket doesn't launch until 77 minutes into the film, and when it does, there's a full 60-second countdown. You can imagine the fun Welles had milking that. For a 1946 film, the special effects were quite impressive, such as a zero-gravity scene with animated drops of water floating around like bubbles. There were two men and two women on the trip to Mars. Welles played a wealthy industrialist and master manipulator of people -- a very intense performance, more similar to "Mr. Arkadin" than "Citizen Kane". Joseph Cotten was a hotshot young American trying desperately to prove he was smarter than the Welles character. Dialogue: COTTEN: You may try to buy your way out of this, but I plan to invent my way out! WELLES: I think not, as you would never have been so eager to come on this trip had you achieved any degree of success on Earth. The women were the daughter of Welles's character, completely dominated by him (he referred to her as "daddy's little girl) and then, for some reason, there was Candide. Yes, Orson Welles made a film about Candide on Mars. (Who else would have?) It did not add up to the most logical movie, but hey, even a really odd Welles movie is welcome to run around inside my brain any time I'm too asleep to change the channel. It was far from his best work, but still damn good, especially given that my subconscious isn't as talented as Welles's. I'm pretty sure the movie didn't have any pterodactyls, but I'll let you tell me. Anyway, the purpose of my letter is not to brag that I saw an imaginary Welles movie you didn't (I'm sure you'll see it someday, once Douglas Trumbull gets his "Brainstorm" machine working.) I'm writing with a serious question. The one thing I failed to bring back from the dream world was the title of this film. What do you think would be the proper title for a Welles film where Candide goes to Mars? -- James "Kibo" Parry (Boston, Massachusetts) -------- STOP CUTTING HERE, YOU AREN'T ROGER EBERT -------- Although it's unlikely that he'll write back (and if he does, it'll probably just be a link to his FAQ with an entry about how he doesn't have the time to read about people's dumb dreams that aren't even movies) I'm hoping he can tell me the title of that lost imaginary Orson Welles movie. And now, you, the official Peanut Gallery of alt.religion.kibology, can play along and suggest your own titles! Tell me what the title is, and if Roger Ebert also comes up with a title we will finally get to compare whether he or alt.religion.kibology is the better authority on non-existent movies. So what was the title of that movie I saw with my eyes closed? -- K. My vote is for "Z For Zzzz", or perhaps "Candide Goes Bananas". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Another words. Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 17:06:19 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > I recently saw a sign in front of a hotel/restaurant inviting people > to "Come inside and enjoy dining al fresco!" I see you're not ''hep'' to the modern ''slang'' the ''kids'' use these days. "Al fresco" doesn't mean "outdoors" any more. It means "nuuuuuuuuuuuuuude". You don't want to know what "al forno" means now. -- K. Me, I like al'arrabiatta. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some Names Of Space People. Correction. Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 17:23:55 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > [...] > > You think you can prune us like some shrub for your own evil purposes? Actually, the best way to prune people is to give them a long hot bath. Hey, wow, I did that without the help of Kontext-Away. So now I can pass the savings on to you! (As Ben Franklin once said, "One man's savings is his dog's leavings," but scholars cannot agree whether he was drunk enough when he said that to make it worth trying to understand.) I don't think I've ever eaten a whole prune. I've eaten various things with prune filling, and I've eaten plenty of plums (they're so great if you've just had hot pepper.) Wait, I have had a few of the Japanese "salted dried pickled plum" variety (the little red marbles that taste like superbarf), but you were asking about regular American plums, the ones that look like black cow patties, not the red marbles they only eat in countries where they eat everything people shouldn't eat. Damn, now I'm hungry. I wonder whether the Japanese market has again started carrying those chocolate crepes I like? -- K. MUST HAVE CANDY NOW ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: By the way... Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 17:30:50 -0400 The correct answer was 600 centillion years. -- K. Those of you who got it wrong have until tomorrow to buy me a new TV set that doesn't have that green blotch whenever I watch a Seijun Suzuki film. ...how does it know who directed what? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Critique these diets Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 01:43:14 -0400 [concerning a New York Metro article on food] John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > Is there any chance of having this translated into British English, please? > > WTF is an "Equals"? "Equal" is an artificial sweetener in little packets at cheap restaurants. I forget whether it's the one in the blue packets, the yellow packets, or the pink packets. A really good crappy restaurant will make sure that you have all three colors of non-sugar available so you can create your own custom blend of toxic chemicals. > "Arugula"? Leafy salad green. It's like lettuce but with different squiggly edges. > "Odwalla Citrus C Monster"? Bottled fruit sludge smoothie. > "Lua cheia cachaŤa"? Some thing. > Why specify that fusilli are pasta? Because, if you spent any time in American supermarkets, you'd know that our prepared food is now full of "pasta noodles" or sometimes just "noodle-style pasta". Mexican flavors of Hamburger-Helper-like extendoid products will sometimes be "pasta noodles with queso-style cheese". I don't know what that is, but I'm sure it's even worse than actual cheese, whether or not it has salsa sauce as gravy. > What else might they be? Ever played with a Play-Doh Fun Factory? > Likewise, what nationality could a baguette be if not French? Female bag ladies can be any nationality. I wonder whatever happened to that one who used to sit outside Harvard screaming about how she wanted to burn it down? You know, the one who always covered her entire head with weird colors of makeup so she looked like Exeter from "This Island Earth"? > And what the hell is the "half-and-half" this Chris bloke has with > his coffee? I'm aware of two meanings of "half-and-half", but > I doubt it's either half light and half bitter or half rice and > half chips. Most states don't allow little unrefrigerated cream pitchers on the table, so generally with your coffee you get a little sealed plastic vial of half and half, which is an ultrapasteurized homogeonized shelf-stable isotope of 50% cream and 50% not cream. > It's a rum do, and no mistake. Why you septics can't sling the bhat the > way we do in blighty is a proper stumper. Yeah, well, DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY WITH NOODLES ON YOU. -- K. So tell me, why did they ruin Maynard's Wine Gums by changing them to taste like candy instead of rancid vinegar? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: eeeeeeeeeeeeee in the news again Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 02:55:55 -0400 Hey, remember the discussion of the magical anti-teenager ultrasonic repeller, which then became an alleged teacher-proof ringtone kids were using to take phone calls at school? The New York Times just learned about it. [www.nytimes.com] -> -> June 12, 2006 -> -> A Ring Tone Meant to Fall on Deaf Ears -> -> By Paul Vitello -> -> In that old battle of the wills between young people and their -> keepers, the young have found a new weapon that could change the -> balance of power on the cellphone front: a ring tone that many -> adults cannot hear. Eh. Adults hardly hear or see anything. They're even more likely than kids to walk around oblivious to the creepy world around them. -> In settings where cellphone use is forbidden -- in class, for -> example -- it is perfect for signaling the arrival of a text -> message without being detected by an elder of the species. Maybe someday they'll invent a better way to make a phone silently signal a message has arrived. For instance, it could wobble really fast, or maybe even jitter or oscillate. My new theory is that this allegedly adult-proof ringtone is only popular with kids who are too dumb to know big words like "vibrate". -> "When I heard about it I didn't believe it at first," said Donna -> Lewis, a technology teacher at the Trinity School in Manhattan. -> "But one of the kids gave me a copy, and I sent it to a -> colleague. She played it for her first graders. All of them could -> hear it, and neither she nor I could." What is a "technology teacher"? Whatever it is, I'm probably qualified to be one: "Hey, kids. READ THE FUCKING MANUAL!!! Okay, class is over." -> The technology, which relies on the fact that most adults -> gradually lose the ability to hear high-pitched sounds, was -> developed in Britain but has only recently spread to America -- -> by Internet, of course. Yeah, it takes weeks for that Internet to swim across the ocean. Still, it's interesting to know that the British are so far ahead of Americans in inventing the hearing test. -> [...] -> -> At Roslyn, as at most schools, cellphones must be turned off -> during class. But one morning last week, a high-pitched ring tone -> went off that set teeth on edge for anyone who could hear it. To -> the students' surprise, that group included their teacher. -> -> "Whose cellphone is that?" Miss Musorofiti demanded, -> demonstrating that at 28, her ears had not lost their sensitivity -> to strangely annoying, high-pitched, though virtually inaudible -> tones. -> -> "You can hear that?" one of them asked. -> -> "Adults are not supposed to be able to hear that," said another, -> according to the teacher's account. Then the kids burst into tears as they slowly realized that adult physiology doesn't necessarily do what kids tell it to do. -> She had indeed heard that, Miss Musorofiti said, adding, "Now -> turn it off." -> -> The cellphone ring tone that she heard was the offshoot of an -> invention called the Mosquito, developed last year by a Welsh -> security company to annoy teenagers and gratify adults, not the -> other way around. No, it's the "vibrate" function that gratifies adults. Or haven't those people discovered orgasms yet? Oh, right, we're talking about Wales. -> It was marketed as an ultrasonic teenager repellent, an -> ear-splitting 17-kilohertz buzzer designed to help shopkeepers -> disperse young people loitering in front of their stores while -> leaving adults unaffected. ...except for deaf teenagers, who can go on a crime spree because they're immune to the most powerful anti-theft squealing noises known to mad science! The same way that Zatoichi has super sword powers because he's blind, deaf teenagers have super shoplifting powers. And you really wouldn't want to try to apprehend one who's deaf _and_ blind, especially if he's carrying what looks like an antique Japanese cane. -> The principle behind it is a biological reality that hearing -> experts refer to as presbycusis, or aging ear. While Miss -> Musorofiti is not likely to have it, most adults over 40 or 50 -> seem to have some symptoms, scientists say. -> -> While most human communication takes place in a frequency range -> between 200 and 8,000 hertz (a hertz being the scientific unit of -> frequency equal to one cycle per second), most adults' ability to -> hear frequencies higher than that begins to deteriorate in early -> middle age. -> -> "It's the most common sensory abnormality in the world," said Dr. -> Rick A. Friedman, an ear surgeon and research scientist at the -> House Ear Institute in Los Angeles. -> -> But in a bit of techno-jujitsu, someone -- a person unknown at -> this time, but probably not someone with presbycusis -- realized -> that the Mosquito, which uses this common adult abnormality to -> adults' advantage, could be turned against them. -> -> The Mosquito noise was reinvented as a ring tone. I am now working on a master plan to breed mockingbirds and teach a trillion mockingbirds that sound so that when I release them all teenagers everywhere will have to go into hiding forever, ending the human race unless people over 20 can have babies. Also I will teach another trillion mockingbirds to make the brown note so all the teenagers will poop their pants. -> "Our high-frequency buzzer was copied. It is not exactly what we -> developed, but it's a pretty good imitation," said Simon Morris, -> marketing director for Compound Security, the company behind the -> Mosquito. "You've got to give the kids credit for ingenuity." -> -> British newspapers described the first use of the high-frequency -> ring tone last month in some schools in Wales, where Compound -> Security's Mosquito device was introduced as a "yob-buster," a -> reference to the hooligans it was meant to disperse. Just yobs and hooligans? It doesn't work on chavs? What about punks? And droogs? And where does it sit in the whole mods vs. rockers spectrum? -> Since then, Mr. Morris said his company has received so much -> attention -- none of it profit-making because the ring tone was in -> effect pirated -- that he and his partner, Howard Stapleton, the -> inventor, decided to start selling a ring tone of their own. It -> is called Mosquitotone, and it is now advertised as "the -> authentic Mosquito ring tone." Biiiiiig deal. I've just invented a ring tone that nobody can hear. It's called The World's Loudest Completely Silent Ringtone, and you can download it from me for only $5 a minute. It lasts several hours. -> David Herzka, a Roslyn High School freshman, said he researched -> the British phenomenon a few weeks ago on the Web, and managed to -> upload a version of the high-pitched sound into his cellphone. -> -> He transferred the ring tone to the cellphones of two of his -> friends at a birthday party on June 3. Two days later, he said, -> about five students at school were using it, and by Tuesday the -> number was a couple of dozen. -> -> "I just made it for my friends. I don't use a cellphone during -> class at school," he said. -> -> How, David was asked, did he think this new device would alter -> the balance of power between adults and teenagers? Or did he -> suppose it was a passing fad? -> -> "Well, probably it is," said David, who added after a moment's -> thought, "And if not, I guess the school will just have to hire a -> lot of young teachers." Or they could save their money and hire some teachers competent enough to teach kids the word "vibrate". -> Kate Hammer and Nate Schweber contributed reporting for this -> article. That information is useless without their ages. And by the way, you can hear the squealie dealie here: http://graphics.nytimes.com/packages/audio/nyregion/20060610_RINGTONE.mp3 I can hear it, but only when it's at high volume. It's just a high-pitched square wave, like all computers make all the time anyway. Right on the edge of audibility, it would definitely keep me away from whatever store was trying to repel people half my age. I have heard stores making this sound in the past (as far back as the early '80s), but they used to claim that these noisemakers were shoplifting deterrents (because they made people nervous.) I don't see how keeping most people from wanting to go in your store would reduce shoplifting while also allowing you to sell things to people. You might as well just put barbed wire across the front door. And I still think that dealing with troublemakers by deliberately irritating them is a very, very, very bad idea. If you played the "eeeeeeeeeeeee" noise at Fonzie, would he run away and swear to uphold a life of goodness and niceness? No, he'd break all your teeth until he found which of your teeth was making squealing noises in your head. Then he'd tear your shop in half and blow up the whole town with some sort of nuclear bomb manufactured by Harley-Davidson. -- K. "Hey, wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?" "DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY!" Seriously, shops should try just having a guy yell "DOIDY!" at teenagers all day. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: eeeeeeeeeeeeee in the news again Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 19:26:10 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And by the way, you can hear the squealie dealie here: > > http://graphics.nytimes.com/packages/audio/nyregion/20060610_RINGTONE.mp3 > > Hey, that sounds just about like television and computer screens used to! > (Which the rest of my family never believed...) That's a common story -- a lot of adults don't seem to know that kids can often hear their TV's horizontal sweep, and in some sets it's damn loud. So if you love your kids, buy them a plasma HTDV that can do real 1080p. 525-line interlaced TVs put the "eeeeeeeeeeeee" in "eeeeeeeeeeeeevil". Many laptop computers also squeal because there's a high-frequency signal driving that fluorescent lamp (brightness is varied by changing that frequency, so you can lower the pitch by dimming the display.) When I was a kid I hated fluorescent lamps (there was a GE CircleLite in my bedroom, I detested the thing.) Now I don't hear them as loud but they're still annoying (and certainly provide a flickery, discolored light compared to proper white-hot-blackbody lamps.) One of my VCRs has a little fluorescent tube for its backlit control panel, and fortunately it allowed me to switch that off forever to keep it from whining (and because it was way too bright, it's hard to watch TV when your VCR is bright enough to read by.) Something bizarre about those high-pitched whines right on the edge of audibility is that they seem to come and go when I turn my head. Occasionally I'll be wondering if some electronic device is singing at me, and I won't be able to locate it because the sound will disappear if I move and reappear if I move back. So I often can't decide whether it's some highly directional noise or just some weird sort of hallucination that's triggered by having the muscles in my neck twisted the right way. It could be just that you can only hear them when your ears are lined up because high-frequency sounds wouldn't penetrate through your skull as well as lower-frequency sounds. (Videogame programmers know all about "HRTFs" -- "head-related transfer functions" -- which are a way of processing a sound to make it sound like it's coming from a particular direction, reaching first the closest ear and then being filtered by your skull before reaching the other ear.) > > I can hear it, but only when it's at high volume. It's just a > > high-pitched square wave, like all computers make all the time anyway. > > Right on the edge of audibility, it would definitely keep me away > > from whatever store was trying to repel people half my age. > > It is a bit annoying, yes. I think a more effective everyone-repellent would be just a recording of me yelling "AM I ANNOYING YOU YET? AM I ANNOYING YOU YET? AM I ANNOYING YOU YET? AM I ANNOYING YOU YET?" Or the alternate version, "HEY LOOK AT ME I'M ON YOUR WEBTV!" > > And I still think that dealing with troublemakers by deliberately > > irritating them is a very, very, very bad idea. > > I'm thinking they're thinking that if they're subliminally irritated, they'll > unconsciously avoid the areas that irritate them. But yeah, some people LIKE > being irritated and taking it out on others. (And I HATE those people, thank > you Tom Lehrer.) So how many Bruins games a year do you go to? I'm guessing zero or fewer. -- K. Next time you go, look for me -- I'm the one in the Senators jersey getting things thrown at him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: eeeeeeeeeeeeee in the news again Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 03:15:50 -0400 I just visited the Web site of the people who manufacture the Mosquito (which they are now selling in ring-tone form to teenagers because a glimmer of light is shining inside someone's brain that maybe it might not be the world's greatest teenager repellent) and found this amusing press clipping under "News": [www.compoundsecurity.co.uk] -> -> Publication BBC Radio Kent -> Date 24 May 2006 -> -> AN ULTRA HIGH SOUND DEVICE IS BEING ABUSED BY CHILDREN -> The sound can only be heard by younger people. -> -> INTERVIEW: SIMON MORRIS, COMPOUND SECURITY, MAKERS OF THE MOSQUITO -> DEVICE -- It is an annoying sound. It is used to move youngsters on -> from shopping centres. The children are passing it from phone to phone -> by BLUE TOOTH. This could cause disruption. Somebody has made this -> on a computer. 80 percent of the population over 25 cannot hear it. I am envisioning Emo Phillips reading this aloud ("...is being abused by chilllldrennnnn! This could cause DISruption! Somebody has made this on a computerrrrrr!") while kissing a girl who has the bodies of animals between her teeth. "Somebody has made this on a computer." will be the hot new catchphrase of the '90s. There's also the charming "Human Rights Act investigation relating to use of Mosquito": -> [...] -> -> 8. While Article 14 of the ECHR prevents discrimination against -> individuals and groups on various grounds, the grounds do not -> specifically include discrimination on the grounds of age. -> It is possible for the courts to find discrimination on grounds -> other than those specifically cited; we have performed preliminary -> searches but have found nothing to suggest that groups of young -> people have the characteristics of a group that can be -> discriminated against. Dude, don't tell that to the Goths. Their whole life consists of making themselves into a group that can be discriminated against. -- K. I wish I were 18 and British so that grown-ups would automatically run away from me due to the inherent fear all British people have of teenagers. This is because all British adults are over 80 years old. Proof: Bob Hope was British. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "Tom Swifties" to be renamed "Stephen Hawkings" Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 20:23:17 -0400 [news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> Hawking to write children's book -> -> Physicist Stephen Hawking and his daughter are to write a science -> book for children which will be "a bit like Harry Potter", but -> without the magic. I believe that's called "a phone book". It's too bad he has this craaaaaaaazy "no magic" rule. He should do something like "Mac & Me", about this weird-looking kid who gets out of his wheelchair and flies around and fights kickboxing ninjas with his awesome brain-fu, and then goes on board the USS Enterprise and insults Einstein while taking all his money in a poker game, and then gets all the candy in the world because the government accidentally made it illegal for anyone who didn't used to be in a wheelchair to have any candy. Also Harry Potter cries because he's not able to use magic any more because magic isn't real and science is, so the flying kid uses science rather than magic to meet Santa and the Flintstones and Fonzie and Super BatSuperman. The End. If Stephen Hawking doesn't hire me as his ghostwriter, he's screwed. -- K. The "Mr. Show" episode about Imminent Death Syndrome just gets funnier every time another six months go by. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: ne.general,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: WGBX Boston Channel 44 Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 21:43:43 -0400 In ne.general Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > > What is the name of the chief engineer for WGBX Boston Channel 44 ?... James "Scotty" Doohan. > The movie Paths of Glory was cut off before the end at a critical > moment in the story at 11:21pm Saturday 10 June 2006 ! Actually, that was simply a directorial decision by Stanley Kubrick. He wanted a really shocking ending. Kubrick spliced that PBS logo into the master negative of the film. It's just a choice he made, like the way all the sets in "Eyes Wide Shut" are decorated with the same Christmas tree and the same mailbox, or the way the computer in "2001" is an obvious rip-off of the car from "Knight Rider". Besides, you don't have any right to complain about any of your three local PBS channels if you didn't donate at least 51% of their operating budget the last time they held a pledge drive. I gave them a couple million dollars last year, but they said I need to give them a lot more before I can tell them what color to make Oscar next season. I want them to go back to the original umber. If you need to complain about something on TV, you might want to look into the way "Honey, We're Killing The Kids" slanders fat people by claiming they all wear glasses. Also! Tell! Lisa! Hark! To! Stop! Talking! Like! This! PLEASE! -- K. Hey, are you the reason channel 38 stopped letting people write in to "Ask The Manager"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some sound advice. Date: Wed, 14 Jun 2006 19:05:17 -0400 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > A good way to raise your status in a large corporation is to email your > friends an amusing PowerPoint slideshow. What is this Earth concept of "amusing PowerPoint slideshow"? I know not of a way to make PowerPoint and amusement collide without causing one of the many types of explosion that destroys the entire Universe unless the timecops go back to prevent it by killing the right baby. Please explain this strange form of amusement which is stable within a PowerPoint bubble. > An excellent example is one that features a number of attractive women, > with the captions "Miss Argentina", "Miss USA", and so forth, making the > recipient believe they are looking at highlights from a beauty pageant or > the like. However, for a twist that is both unexpected and hilarious, one > of the last slides should feature a wizened crone with a caption indicating > they are from an under-developed region. To maximise the hilarity, follow > this up with a naked senior citizen, captioned "Mis-take", followed by a > slide of another wizened crone, this time captioned "Miss U". At this point > your audience are probably asking themselves "can I take much more of > this?" so let them down gently with a page of slightly lewd animated gifs. Animated GIFs we've been sick of seeing in various years: The Hamster Dance the dancing 7-Up spot the dancing baby Note the pattern. So what sort of lewd dance was involved in yours? > Then forward it to everyone on the global email list of your organisation. > This works particularly well if you are in a very large, public sector > organisation, especially if you are the assistant to the CEO of that > organisation. > > Then issue a recall. > > Then send it again, to exactly the same people. > > Then send an apology. > > And if you can manage it, do it within several days of a global warning > regarding inappropriate web usage. For best effect, each of the messages should be in the format of a picture embedded in a Microsoft Word document sent as an attachment. > Prestige will follow, usually within minutes. Wow, your Internet is slow. It should take microseconds for the prestige to come back from the Internet's central prestige server. Did your office remember to synchronize their coolometers? -- K. PowerPoint is for people who worry that Microsoft Word would make their graphic design look too slick. The way the rules should be: USE A TEMPLATE, GO TO JAIL. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: filthy lucre Date: Wed, 14 Jun 2006 19:58:45 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Whoa. When your new change purse is hot pink, you find out just how much > grime you never noticed rubbing off your coins onto the old dark blue or > green ones. I guess your boyfriend was just too polite to point it out. Lucky for him you got the pink purse. (The sequins help hide the dirt.) You should learn to play slots (I offer an eight-hour course in how to do that, for only $10,000) because then you'll really see how much dirt and machine grease and metal dust will jump off the coins onto your hands. That's why casinos will sometimes give you alcohol wipes instead of complimentary drinks, depending on whether you look like you're going to get their hotel rooms dirty or look like you should be drunker in order to throw away more money. If you're a high-roller they give you one white cotton glove, as part of their "Treat every guest exactly like Michael Jackson" program. > This post is not all about tripping. If you took the brown acid, please > be assured this is only reality and not bad chemicals in your head. If your boyfriend gave you the pink change purse, you might not want to eat any of the little crystals inside, unless you plan on writing Phil Dick's next three books this weekend. -- K. Change purse, eh? Wassamatta, you don't have any pockets in that bolero jacket? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: BP 235/175 Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 02:07:15 -0400 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > If I hadn't been in the emergency ward to get rabies immunoglobin > (anyone know how to spell this correctly?) T... H... I... oh, never mind. > and vaccine they would have admitted me for essential hypertension. > > Too bad they didn't. > > They injected the immunoglobin in six sites and the vaccine in two. My > wife only had three immunoglobin and one vaccine injection. The moral of > the story, never let your pony pick a rabid skunk up by its tail. BAD PONY. No carrot for you! Seriously, if your pony can't tell the difference between a rabid skunk and a chew toy, you need to muzzle that dangerous pony so it doesn't start bringing home other doubly-evil animals, such as poisonous alligators and electric bumblebees. To say nothing of the constrictor lice. They shouldn't even allow ponies, skunks, and rabies in the same state. Ponies should stay west of the Rockies, skunks east of the Mississippi, and the rabies go in the middle. Also the lice go to Alaska or Hawaii (we'll let the lice choose.) > The bad outcome was that it was discovered a year later that my "normal" > BP was 185/140. > > Matthew (only one minor stroke later) My new theory is that strokes are like earthquakes: Everyone has dozens of strokes a day, it's just that most of them are too small to detect. Did you open the fridge and forget what you were looking for? That was one of the strokes that was just big enough to notice. Did you see a TV commercial for something and forget to think, "Wow, that sucks!"? That was a teeny stroke. If you were able to determine exactly how many strokes you had on any given day, it would be something on the order of 58,000 ones you didn't notice, and about a dozen that you did notice but chose to ignore. So anyway, we're all having strokes all the time. Thus, you should cheer up, the stroke you suffered was quite a rare event compared to all the other ones you're not even noticing, including the one I'm having right now hey I don't remember ordering a DVD of "Logan's Run". So what regimen do they have you on now? Are you taking toddler aspirin every day so that you can pretend you're a hemophiliac? (My mother once gave me the worst advice I've ever had: Always take some aspirin before you go to the dentist. Supposedly this will make the dental work less painful. In reality, all it does is spray gallons of blood all over your dentist.) -- K. I plan to die of a stroke during the premiere of the first good Uwe Boll movie, in 2047. No humans will survive the shock of witnessing the impossible. The movie will kill all eight people who see it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 16:42:41 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: Super New Kontext-Away laughs at regular Kontext-Away and deletes everything that's not about some sort of Kontext-Away! > Kontext Away moves to the Uwe Boll reference! It's a good thing he only makes bad movies based on bad video games that were popular fifteen years ago. Otherwise he might rush "Kontext-Away: The Movie!" into production. Most recently, he's challenged anyone who can prove they ever made fun of him on the Internet to have a fistfight (which will be filmed for use as stock footage in his next pathetic, videogame-based movie because apparently someone let him watch "Fight Club") but his press release was very specific that you could only be eligible to beat up the idiot if you made fun of him in _2005_, not _2006_. So if I say "UWE BOLL HAS THE I.Q. OF A ROTTED TURNIP", that doesn't make me eligible for an all-expenses-paid flight to Vancouver to pound the crap out of the soggy turnip. But WAIT! I just found this article from December 29, 2005! From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pac-Man movie still expected to win an Oscar -- on Planet Stupid Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2005 02:23:41 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > OK, have you heard the conspiracy theory that all those video game > movies directed by Uwe Boll are actually designed to lose money, because > the German government pays them when they lose money? [...] I certainly have been thinking that. [...] Well, Nick, I guess you have a big decision to make, because it wouldn't be fair of me to call dibs on beating up Uwe Boll unless you turn down this important opportunity to beat up someone who deserves a good beating because his movies are bad. But if you don't want to go, I will be very happy that you brought up the subject two days before the magic deadline after which he turned chicken. (I guess after January 1, 2006 his movies became so bad that too many people wanted to beat him up, so the contest is only open to people who already realized he sucked.) He's also invited Quentin Tarantino and Roger Avary (you know, the guys who wrote "Pulp Fiction", a movie so much better that Uwe Boll's not-even-a-game-you-can-play movies that mentioning them in the same sentence might make my head explode) but I assume it they would consider it way beneath them to beat him up. Uwe Boll is really lucky he doesn't know who Takashi Miike is, 'cause he'd do it in a second. I hope this starts a trend of people who make bad movies actually inviting their critics to punch them in the face. Just think, someday we might get to see Roger Ebert wailing on Rob Schneider, and Rex Reed slap-fighting the guy who made "Myra Breckenridge", and a billion Chinese dudes kung-fuing Wong Jing. Now, back to stuff Chris McGonnell may have quoted me saying. > > I plan to die of a stroke during the premiere of the > > first good Uwe Boll movie, in 2047. No humans will > > survive the shock of witnessing the impossible. > > The movie will kill all eight people who see it. > > Well of course it'll kill me; you just can't shock 96-year-old men > like that and expect them to live. > > -- > Chris McG. > Harming humanity since 1951. Wow, you're old, especially in the distant future! Look at it this way. Bob Hope and George Burns lived to be over 200 years old (combined). So all you have to do is get a cigar and a golf club and start keeping the vaudeville tradition alive, and find some other guy to do it with you, and then you guys will live until at least 2051, and you'll get to see Uwe Boll's heartwarming "Elf Bowling: The Movie". -- K. P.S. I call dibs on making "Kontext-Away: The Movie", made from 10% stock footage of me punching everyone who paid to see it, and 90% stock footage of me typing stupid claims about beating up people on the Internet. Not since Archimedes Plutonium's imaginary fistfight with me has there been such a great pretend fight as me beating up Uwe Boll right here and now! I'm typing with one hand and punching with the other, over the Internet! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2006 17:47:01 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Most recently, he's challenged anyone who can prove they ever made > > fun of him on the Internet to have a fistfight [...] but his > > press release was very specific that you could only be eligible to > > beat up the idiot if you made fun of him in _2005_, not _2006_. > > I think I know why he specifically designated Internet critics: > because everyone on the Internet knew better than to see any of his > movies. If it weren't for that conspiracy theory guy, none of us > would even know his name. We just saw that they were making a movie > about a video game and knew instinctively that those always suck. > Which is why every time I go to a thrift store, I look on every > shelf to make sure I don't miss the ultra-rare Atari 2600 Baby > Geniuses. As I've said before, my least-favorite Atari 800 game back in the '80s was one called "Busy Baby". It was a knockoff of "Moon Patrol" where instead of jumping a tank over craters while aliens dropped bombs on it, you were trying to walk a baby along a path while a stork dropped water balloons on him. The object was to get through the obstacle course without wetting your diaper (straying from the path automatically made you pee.) It was one of those games that consisted entirely of pinpoint jumping over lethal obstacles, except it was slow with awkward controls (lots of diagonal jumping was necessary), not the slick, easy-to-play game that "Moon Patrol" was. You died quite frequently, and every time it happens you had to watch the baby cry for about ten seconds (and most annoyingly, pushing "System Reset" didn't even stop the annoying music it played.) Anyway, I suggest that "Busy Baby" the closest we ever came to seeing a "Baby Geniuses" game for any Atari console. I admit: One of my favorite Atari 2600 games is "SeaQuest", which was a pretty good game before they screwed it up by making it into a bad TV series. (I also liked "Turmoil" -- which was the _good_ version of "Tempest" for the 2600 -- and the easy yet addictive "Spider Fighter".) > > Well, Nick, I guess you have a big decision to make, because it wouldn't > > be fair of me to call dibs on beating up Uwe Boll unless you turn down > > this important opportunity to beat up someone who deserves a good beating > > because his movies are bad. > > I weigh about 200 pounds, which puts me out of his weight class. I think you're out of his class in several ways. I note that he will only fight people who are 140 to 190 pounds -- he's 190 pounds. So you're not allowed to fight him if you're a whole pound heavier than he is, because he only wants to fight people he can beat. I'm eligible because I'm forty pounds lighter (and six inches taller.) He probably has all the advantages, given that he's more solidly-built than me and, more importantly, knows how to box. But on the other hand, maybe he only boxes as well as he directs. > Go for it. Indeed, I don't think I really criticized his films, > considering I haven't seen them either; I just vectored a conspiracy > theory about why they are allowed to exist. So unless one of the > microdots at the end of your post contains a scathing and specific > review of one or more of his films, he might get off on a technicality. Yes, but the point is that he wants to beat you up _because_ you didn't see any of his films because you knew they were bad. I think he's one of those types whose model of criticism is that you're not qualified to decide whether or not you want to see a film unless you see it all the way through. Also, he thinks video games should be improved by having the "game" part removed. People should pay nine dollars to sit quietly and watch a video game playing itself. 'Cause after all, the only reason anyone ever attempts to play a game is just to see the cutscenes, right? -- K. Short shameful confession: I like to put "Rebel Assault" into the secret mode that turns it into an all-cutscene boot-fetish movie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 17:38:23 -0400 Because millions of people could have asked me to explain this while I was in the kitchen just now, here's the news item about some extremely minor movie director personally daring everyone on the Internet to beat him up. [sknr.net] -> -> Uwe Boll Challanges Tarantino and his critics. -> -> Written by Gareth Von Kallenbach -> Monday, 12 June 2006 -> -> Maverick Independent filmmaker Uwe Boll is set to face his -> toughest detractors head on as part of the upcoming movie -> "Postal" which is based on the highly controversial series from -> Running with Scissors. "Highly controversial series", in this case, means "two video games released for the Mac ten years ago that weren't really any interesting to play but for some reason got a little press attention because the United States Postal Service has a knee-jerk reaction to anyone using the slang term 'postal'". Gee, USPS, thanks to all your free publicity now there's going to be another worthless movie based on a video game. -> Boll the creator of such films as "House of the Dead", "Alone in -> the Dark" , "Bloodrayne", and the pending "In the Name of the -> King a Dungeon Siege Tale", "Creator" is too strong a word, especially given that other people had already created each of those properties in question years before. Perhaps "exploiter" or "ruiner". -> has often been the target of biting and venomous reviews despite -> the fact that all of his films have turned a profit once the final -> box office and home video receipts are tallied. "Final" in that sentence means that all this accounting will be done at the moment the last copy of each DVD has completely rotted away, in the year 3000000000000000000000000000000000000, by which time each of the movies will have made a dollar profit. _Anything_ makes money when released on DVD. As I've pointed out, they're up to something like the 23rd box set of "Dark Shadows" reruns. And "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp" is out. "My DVDs made some money" is a ho-hum brag. If he could say his DVDs made more money than reruns of "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp", then I might be impressed to know he had better earning power than a chimp who's been dead for twenty years. -> Despite his films financial success, Boll who works outside of -> the studio system and has his films financed by investors has -> often been called out by critics as a lousy director whose films -> are among the worst ever made. Naah, I've seen worse. However, they're all certainly in the category of "Not even as good as the cutscenes from the games they're based on," which you can't say about Ed Wood's work because he at least made up his own bad stuff. -> Not content to let such hash criticism go unanswered Boll has -> decided to face his critics once and for all with a unique -> challenge that will allow director and critic to face off in a -> battle royal *cough* *cough* If Kinji Fukusaku weren't dead, he'd be pounding the crap out of Uwe Boll right now. Fukusaku was the guy whose doctors told him "If you make a second 'Battle Royale' movie, it'll kill you!" and he said "Fuck you, I'm Kinji Fukusaku, and I'm going to make the movie even if it kills me because, hey, fucking 'Battle Royale'!" and he made the movie and it killed him and it wasn't nearly as good as the first one but hey, it killed him. I'd like to see Uwe Boll do that. To be as cool as Kinji Fukusaku, Uwe Boll would have to be killed by six or seven of his movies. -> that further establishes the Directors passion for -> his craft and his willingness to go the extra mile to put his -> convictions on the line against those who are content to hide -> behind their words without any consequences from those they have -> slighted. AWW, UWE BOLL'S FEELINGS WERE HURT! -> The full release is below. -> -> Uwe Boll Challenges His Critics -> "To Put Up Or Shut Up !" -> -> Uwe Boll Invites His Top 5 Most Outspoken Critics of 2005 -> To Appear In His Feature Film "Postal". -> -> Airfares & Hotel Expenses To Vancouver Will Be Paid -> By Uwe Boll's Production Company For These Critics To Be In -> Postal. -> -> [...] -> -> Again the fans have shown that the critics of Uwe Boll are out of -> touch with want the general movie audience population wants. Dr. -> Boll has continually been roasted for the films he has directed -> and produced. His last two films, House of the Dead & Alone in -> the Dark, cost $20 million but they have grossed over $110 -> million to-date. The same negative reactions from some of the -> same press and the internet critics are now being directed at Uwe -> Boll's latest film; BloodRayne. No, it's being directed at _him_. See, this is what he fails to understand: With ordinary bad movies, people just say "that movie wasn't very good" and then find something else to do. Uwe Boll has a magical ability to make the fanboys hate _him_, by doing things like issuing moronic press releases about how they suck because they don't love his awesome talent. -> Dr. Uwe Boll has had enough! Uwe Boll's position is "I am fed -> up. I'm fed up with people slamming my films on the Internet -> without see them. "ALSO, I WILL NOT BE MOCKED!" he screamed in a funny accent, except without the correct grammar. -> Many journalists make value judgments on my films based on the -> opinions of one or two thousand Internet voices. ...and so the vast conspiracy of 5,999,999,999 people to smear Uwe Boll for no reason continues! -> Half of those opinions come from people who've never watched my -> films. I have been told that "BloodRayne" has a very bad IMDb -> rating, but how many of those votes of zero were made before -> the movie appeared in theatres." The criticism goes on and on. You know, when someone gave Orson Welles a bad review, I think all he did was have a good laugh. He didn't just start whining that not everyone in the world gave his movie a 10 out of 10. 'Cause, see, real directors spend most of their time making movies, not doing damage-control for their fragile egos. I wish Orson Welles were alive so he could fart on Uwe Boll. -> Uwe is now challenging the critics that failed to watch his films -> prior to reviewing or commenting, "TO PUT UP OR SHUT UP!" -> -> On July 17th, 2006 Uwe will start filming his next feature film, -> "Seed", starring Will Sanderson, Ralf Moeller, Michael Pare & -> Andrew Jackson. Following that film he will go into production in -> late September with another feature called "Postal". Both movies -> will be shot in Vancouver, BC, Canada. Oh, damn. I mis-read that last paragraph. For a second I thought it said Uwe Boll will be shot in Vancouver. -> Towards the end of the filming of the "Postal" the 5 most -> outspoken critics will be flown into Vancouver and supplied with -> hotel rooms. As a guest of Uwe Boll they will be given the -> chance to be an extra / stand-in in "Postal" and have the -> opportunity to put on boxing gloves and enter a BOXING RING to -> fight Uwe Boll. Each critic will have the opportunity to bring -> down Uwe in a 10 bout match. There will be 5 matches planned -> over the last two days of the movie. Certain scenes from these -> boxing matches will become part of the Postal movie. All 5 fights -> will be televised on the internet and will be covered by -> international press. And then his next movie will be even more special, because it'll be directed by a guy who got five concussions in two days! He'll probably shoot the whole movie with the lens cap on, or something. -> To be eligible you must be a critic who has posted on the -> internet or have written in magazines / newspapers at least two -> extremely negative articles in the year 2005. AW FUCK! I was only able to find _one_ I wrote in December, 2005. Know what this means? UWE BOLL SPECIFICALLY CHOSE HIS RULES BECAUSE HE WAS AFRAID OF GETTING WHOMPED BY KIBO. What a pussy. I think Uwe Boll might be the only person here who's actually afraid of me. I'm a pretty harmless guy -- I only beat up people who want me to beat them up, and most people don't do like Uwe Boll and ask for a poundin'. -> Critics of 2006 will not be considered. Please submit proof -> of your negative reviews & comments via e-mail to: -> -> info@boll-kg.de Hmm, I suppose I could fudge the "Date:" headers... No. That would be wrong. It would be wrong to change the digits in a message header just so I could justifiably beat up a guy who made some bad movies. I'll just have to find a way to beat him up without tampering with the evidence. -> All challengers must be healthy males, weighing between 64 -> kilograms (140 lbs.) and 86 kilograms (190 lbs.). That's me! Note that he specified "must be healthy males", because he's afraid of getting his ass kicked by a girl, or a guy who's already in a coma. -> You will require to be physically examined by a doctor and sign -> the necessary release forms for liability, etc. You will not be -> paid or entitled to any residuals or fees. ...as if anyone wants to beat up Uwe Boll just for the money. -> Your transportation & hotel costs will be covered. -> -> Dr. Uwe Boll's invitation to fight and / or appear in his film is -> extended to all his harshest critics. Roger Avary and Quentin -> Tarantino are among the most eligible candidates. Tarantino could probably break Boll's brain without even touching him. The talent rays coming from Tarantino would make Boll melt the way that guy in "Raiders Of The Lost Ark" would have melted if he had opened the ark to see that inside was a better movie. Does Tarantino even know who Boll is? I have a hard time imagining Tarantino stooping to the level of even mentioning him, 'cause that would mean he'd have to take time out from his busy schedule of having his face photographed for the covers of old kung-fu movies he wasn't in. -> The following posters to the IMDb have earned the right to be -> placed on the list of the most extreme anti-Boll critics and are -> therefore eligible to enter the contest. Contestants will be -> chosen to be an extra and physically box Dr. Uwe Boll. -> -> Headhunter004 -> -> Adultswimlover2 -> -> Evolution_500_2 -> -> Greatnates -> -> thedoomsdaybegins -> -> GunnerySergeantNumbnuts -> -> Murdoc995 -> -> AimeeBrookes -> -> ChineseOldMarketMan -> -> GabeLogan9060 -> -> Veedragon40 -> -> BigSexy77 -> -> TylerDurden52 Ah, so this is Boll's plan. He's following the assigned tasks of Project Mayhem, specifically, the one where he has to challenge someone to a fight he'll lose. He thinks he can become cool enough to join Fight Club if he gets his teeth knocked out by all 52 Tyler Durdens (there's one in each city, they're like Bozos. Angry Bozos.) -> Dan223-1 -> -> howdy4641430-1 Based on that list of names, I'm going to put my money on "ChineseOldMarketMan" -- he's one of the few who was clever enough to come up with a name that wasn't already taken dozens of times, and he's Chinese so of course he knows kung fu, and he's old so of course he's really good at kung fu because kung fu masters always have really long white hair they can kill you with, which Uwe Boll would know if he watched any of those movies that have Tarantino's scary photo on the box. -> If critics want to bring Uwe Boll down, here is their chance to -> physically bring him down and have the entire world watch them do it. Well, actually, I doubt too many people would be interested in watching it. Fighting Uwe Boll is like those tedious attempts to show bowling on TV: Why watch it when you can _do_ it? And for the record, I am not attempting to accept Uwe Boll's challenge because he made bad movies -- lots of people make bad movies, and Boll's weren't even interesting enough bad movies to get me to see any of them -- I'm accepting his "please beat me up" challenge because he was so asinine as to dare me to beat him up. Except that his sissy rules preclude me from beating him up because apparently he extended this invitation to everyone on the Internet except me. I hope he falls and breaks his stupid. -- K. I hereby DEMAND that everyone write to info@boll-kg.de and tell Uwe Boll to let me beat him up. SOMETHING'S HONOR MUST BE AVENGED (we can come up with a reason later, there important thing is that I just want to see a director bleed.) Once again, write to: info@boll-kg.de ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Uwe Boll threw down the glove, I picked it up, and now, it's your move. Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 18:31:18 -0400 There. I did it. I sent Uwe Boll an E-mail explaining that I was qualified to enter his "PUNCH UWE BOLL IN THE FACE" contest except for that special rule he made just to keep me from entering. I would show the message to you people, but as you know Internet E-mail is always completely private, so you'll never know whether I used the word "jerk" as a noun or as a verb. But I'm sure nothing will come of it, because the rules specifically disallow me from accepting his open challenge because I only mocked his genius once during 2005. All the other times were in 2006, but the rules say I had to have mocked him twice during 2005. Now you can help! Write to --> info@boll-kg.de <-- and say something like "Dear Uwe Boll, please stop being so lame and let Kibo beat you up like you asked him to. You must be a real wuss if you're afraid of Kibo. Please let Kibo beat you up." Please write to info@boll-kg.de and tell Dr. Uwe Boll's leash-holders that he should let me fight him. Anyone who helps me enter Uwe Boll's "I SUCK SO YOU CAN HIT ME" contest will be placed on my list of people I promise I will never run over with a street-sweeper, steam-roller, or hovercraft. Thank you for your support. -- K. It's a good thing I've never seen any of his terrible movies, because then I'd be even less qualified to enter his "PEOPLE WHO HATE UWE BOLL'S GREAT MOVIES FOR NO REASON CAN HURT HIM" competition. So heed my advice: In the future, whenever you're tempted to see a movie based on a video game, remind yourself that seeing it might disqualify you from punching the director. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 17:35:35 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, Nick, I guess you have a big decision to make, because it wouldn't > > be fair of me to call dibs on beating up Uwe Boll unless you turn down > > this important opportunity to beat up someone who deserves a good beating > > because his movies are bad. > > Uh-oh, there may be a problem of eligibility here. I think Nick may have > blown the 86 kg weight limit--and do you even make the 64 kg minimum? Yes, actually. Last time I weighed myself I was about 145 pounds, and I imagine I'm probably closer to 150 now. > Now, can an American sue a German in the Canadian courts for discrimi- > nation against not very fat and somewhat skinny people? Oh, who cares about those people? I'm sure there are lots of other medium-sized guys who are eligible to break Uwe Boll over their knee. Skinny people and fat people already have too many advantages in life. Everything's easy when you're skinny (unfortunately, they're replacing all the subway turnstiles here 'cause I think they caught on that people who are really tall and skinny could go through without turning them, dammit) and being fat has obvious advantages. Everyone loves fat people because they're all jolly! And they know where all the good restaurants are! And they're too mild-mannered to beat up Uwe Boll when they could just sit on him! Fat people rule, almost as much as tall skinny people do. -- K. Dr. Boll didn't specify a height limit, maybe he's going to try to disqualify me for being too tall. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 18:43:58 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > > > blown the 86 kg weight limit--and do you even make the 64 kg minimum? > > > > Yes, actually. Last time I weighed myself I was about 145 pounds, > > and I imagine I'm probably closer to 150 now. > > Ah, so I see you must have been hitting the creatine to get pumped up to > bash Herr Dr. Boll in the face ever since chiming in with Nick's scathing > indictment of him last year. No wonder you were so excited to see this > press release that passes for news! I just hope that medical exam he > subjects you to doesn't disqualify you for improper enzyme levels. No creatine. Any weight I may have gained is simply the bacon I've eaten and the facial hair I've grown. > > fat people because they're all jolly! And they know where all the > > good restaurants are! And they're too mild-mannered to beat up > > Uwe Boll when they could just sit on him! Fat people rule, almost > > as much as tall skinny people do. > > Um, I wonder, is there any chance you would like to join me at Le > Pavillon in Poughkeepsie or Mughal Raj in Rhinebeck to discuss these > propositions? I'm not sure but I think they might be able to arrange to > remove one seat for someone as important as me. If you're trying to challenge me to a fight at one of those secret fight clubs, forget it. I'd never hit a nice guy like you. Make some bad movies and then we'll talk. Until then, wait in line behind Steve Oedekerk. Also, you have to have posted exactly five (no more, no fewer) messages mocking my fighting skills between July 12th, 1936 and July 14th, 1936, and you must have that disease from "Unbreakable" that makes your entire body shatter if I touch it. I'm sorry, but those are the rules, I'm not afraid to fight you but obviously I can't because those are the rules. Why is everyone on the Internet challenging me to boxing matches today? What happened to the days when everyone on the Internet was nice to each other at all times, you know, before July, 1936? Seriously, I love Uwe Boll's open invitation to allow everyone in the world to beat him up but only if they meet some impossible criteria. It's like something P.T. Barnum would have done in the 19th century if he had been very, very stupid. I bet if anyone _does_ actually get plane tickets from Dr. Boll to go beat him up, afterwards Dr. Boll will go crying to the police claiming it was an unprovoked assault. Hmm, maybe I should get a third party to buy me the plane tickets. Anyone got two tickets to Vancouver? (One for me, one for my oversize carry-on bag filled with candy I'll eat with one hand while punching him with the other.) -- K. I just want to know why none of you wimps on alt.religion.kibology has also tried to accept Uwe Boll's challenge. It's not as if his rules make it possible that you'd ever actually have to fight. C'mon, do like me and be a big man by committing to the fistfight that's never actually gonna happen. If you don't, you're a bigger wuss than he is. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 19:40:07 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just want to know why none of you wimps on > > alt.religion.kibology has also tried to accept > > Uwe Boll's challenge. > > Because wimps don't fight. Duh! I'm also a gurl wimp and gurl's aren't > supposed to fight, or so I've been told. Yeah, but you're not even allowed to accept Uwe Boll's offer of a free trip to a fistfight that you'll win. He's terrified a girl will whip him (and not in a good way.) In general, girls aren't supposed to fight. They have much better ways of taking revenge on men they don't like. Slow, subtle ones which last for years and years. Girls treat revenge like a game of Go, and guys treat revenge like a scratch ticket. We like instant gratification, not the elaborate deviousness of a woman plotting in advance what she'll do in the divorce court ten years from now. All women are twelve steps ahead of all men when it comes to invisible forms of revenge. Men just know how to make things explode, bleed, or fall into swimming pools at society parties. I think you should write Dr. Boll a letter saying you would fight him if he wasn't afraid of getting beat up by a girlie-girl. But he might not even read it, because maybe he doesn't read mail from girls because women have better verbal skills than men and any woman could verbally destroy him, especially as he only thinks he speaks English. So instead you should just write him a letter saying "Please let Kibo fight you," especially because I've always wanted to visit Vancouver. Send you polite demands to: info@boll-kg.de When I go to Vancouver to be in Dr. Boll's imaginary punch-off that he's never going to actually have, I'll bring a movie camera and make my own movie. It'll be based on "Qix", and titled "Look, I Am Punching Uwe Boll And The Title Sequence Isn't Even Over Yet." It will make a trillion dollars at the box office or I will offer to fight anyone who didn't pay to see it. Also I will become German and stupid. That wears off later, right? -- K. I suddenly have a craving for fried sausage. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 21:53:09 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > Yeah, but you're not even allowed to accept Uwe Boll's offer of a > > free trip to a fistfight that you'll win. He's terrified a girl > > will whip him (and not in a good way.) > > I see that. It's just as well. I've seen some pretty tough looking > female boxers. You'd think he'd have thought a bit further > ahead and specified no females _and_ no guys in that weight range > with any formal boxing training. Well, he does seem to hate people who dislike his movies without having seen all of them, so that would indicate he's already ruling out people too stupid to have paid to see every movie based on a videogame. If he were smart he'd say "YOU MUST BE EVEN STUPIDER THAN ME TO ENTER THIS COMPETITION". But then again, if he were smart, he'd be somebody who's not Uwe Boll. I wish I had Takashi Miike's phone number. > I also note you have to have insulted him in writing prior to 2006. > You've done that, right? Duh. Is there anyone I _haven't_ insulted (intentionally or accidentally) prior to 2006, you clod? > > All women are twelve steps ahead of all men when it comes to > > invisible forms of revenge. Men just know how to make things > > explode, bleed, or fall into swimming pools at society parties. > > I think I prefer the way men handle these things. Mmmmmmm... if you were a guy I'd ask you to marry me. > > So instead you should just write him a letter > > saying "Please let Kibo fight you," especially because I've > > always wanted to visit Vancouver. Send you polite demands to: > > > > info@boll-kg.de > > Well, so long as it's a polite one. Okay. Are you sure you're up > to ten rounds? I know you don't think he'll do it but what if he > does? > I need to know for a bet er...homework assignment. I don't start fights. But in the few fights I've been in, I've never been the loser. Never. 'Cause I'm a psycho, man. Also, there is NO WAY he's doing five ten-round fights in two days. Unless he can find the time after winning the Olympics all by himself. Seriously, if he buys me the ticket to Vancouver, I'll get in the ring with him. Of course, my strategy might be somewhat unorthodox, but that's what you people are paying me for, right? -- K. I'll do anything to ruin the movie Uwe Boll is making about this. It's like spoiling a Korean tourist's snapshot of the bus station, except you'll get to see it on DVD instead of on Flickr. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 19:27:37 -0400 Otto Bahn (Dankly@dank.dank.com.dk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Why is everyone on the Internet challenging me to boxing matches today? > > You didn't get the memo? This is National Challenge Kibo > To A Boxing Match day. Put up your Dukes! I'm not wearing Daisy Dukes. I guess I'm just more fashionable than you. > I hope you are prepared. I can make over two hundred boxes > per hour. So? I can beat up Uwe Boll in a lightsaber fight on the surface of the Moon. You know it has to be true because he won't let me fight him that way. -- K. Does the fact that I've accepted Uwe Boll's challenge and Quentin Tarantino hasn't yet make me superior to Tarantino in some way? I hope not, because I don't want to piss him off, as I hope that he and I can become good friends and re- enact scenes from Seijun Suzuki's and Takeshi Miike's and Sabu's movies together. I call dibs on the good ski mask. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch (was: Re: BP 235/175) Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 19:19:49 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Seriously, I love Uwe Boll's open invitation to allow everyone in the > > world to beat him up but only if they meet some impossible criteria. > > It's like something P.T. Barnum would have done in the 19th century > > if he had been > Andy Kaufman. Great minds think alike -- I was just thinking about Andy Kaufman while I was on the toilet. That's another reason I won't fight you, because you're almost as big a genius as me. Anyway, I was thinking that this whole event is just like the time Andy Kaufman paid that wrestler to pretend to hurt him to freak out any Andy Kaufman fans who aren't bright enough to realize that both comedy and wrestling involve some degree of pretending, except that because Uwe Boll is never going to actually let me accept his offer to fight him it's an even more pure form of Pretend Performance Art. Andy Kaufman's rules with regard to wrestling people from the audience were simple: He only wrestled women. This was because he was committing wrestling comedy to cover up the fact that he was a frotteur -- he wore the longjohns under his trunks because he allegedly had his torso wrapped in duct tape to hide his erection. So, since Uwe Boll has a "no women", "no skinny guys", "no fat guys", and "no unhealthy guys" ruleset, this must mean that he's turned on only by rubbing his penis against medium-sized guys who don't have cooties. You'd think there would be a lot of ways he could get that experience without having to get punched in the face, especially since he lives in Germany. He could just join their all-gay-skinhead army. Seriously, challenging everyone on the Internet to fight him with provisos that disqualify anyone on the Internet to fight him makes him the biggest loser in the world. Remember that guy who told the entire Internet he was leaving forever and if he ever came back he would give each of them $1000 and then he immediately came back? Not as big a loser as Dr. Uwe Boll. Andy Kaufman with his penis wrapped in duct tape? Not as pathetic as Dr. Uwe Boll. Me? Not as obnoxious as Dr. Uwe Boll. I DEMAND MY RIGHT TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF UWE BOLL TO PROVE I'M BETTER THAN HIM!!! -- K. "Kibo Vs. Uwe Boll" should be a video game, so that ten years later he could make a bad movie out of it, so that he'd have to fight everyone on the Internet again. Too bad I no longer work in the videogame industry. Hey, anyone here want to hire me? I got some great ideas, assuming that the Nintendo Wii will have the ability to actually amputate the players' limbs when they lose. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll wants a Hawaiian Punch Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2006 18:06:51 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > > > We just saw that they were making a movie > > about a video game and knew instinctively that those always suck. > > This is just nonsense. Bladerunner was one of the best > SF films ever made. Dude, "Blade Runner" wasn't based on a video game. It was based on William S. Burroughs's "Naked Lunch", specifically the line about "heavy metal thunder". I was straining my brain last night trying to think of any movies based on video games that didn't come out completely sucky. When you think about it, any subgenre where the highest-profile movies are "Alien Vs. Predator" and "Doom" is pretty lame. I mean, "Ecks Vs. Sever"? "Silent Hill"? "Alone In The Dark"? "Double Dragon" and "Street Fighter" and "Mortal Kombat"? The two "Tomb Raider" films? The "Resident Evil" movies? The "PokŽmon" movies? "Wing Commander"? I eventually decided the two that were at least sort of worth watching were "Super Mario Bros." (which was pretty enjoyable, despite having some parts missing and a few screeching halts) and "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within" (which was beautiful-looking, and started out really nicely, but gradually got really bozotic, and also has nothing whatsoever to do with the game as far as I know.) Then there are the movies that were designed to promote video games that hadn't yet been released, and those tend to be a little better -- "Tron" and "The Last Starfighter" are highly-flawed puff pieces, but still enjoyable as light action movies (and the soundtrack album from "Tron" is worth having.) "Cloak & Dagger" and "Superman 3" were pretty bad. Also I think "The Wizard" (the one with Fred Savage) was a commercial for the Nintendo PowerGlove, but I haven't seen it. The highest-profile video-game-to-movie adaptation coming up is "Spy Hunter", although I don't know whether they will finally pay the Mancini estate for ripping off the "Peter Gunn" music. It stars The Rock (who was also in "Doom") and will be directed by John Woo (a director whose Hollywood pictures I strongly dislike) and, frankly, is about twenty years too late. Now, if you want to talk really sucky, there are the movies based on board games: "Clue", "Jumanji" (which was based on an imaginary board game), "Dungeons & Dragons"... and movies based on bubble-gum cards: "Mars Attacks!", "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie"... Geez, now I need to go back and put "Warning: *** DEEP HURTING ***" at the top of this article. Thanks a lot for making me write something I'm going to have to go back and edit, you person. -- K. I've been using "you person" as an all-purpose you-can't- even-tell-if-it's-meant-as- a-pejorative in real life. It's a great timesaver because you can just say it any time when you don't feel like having to decide whether to be pleasant or sarcastic. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dammit! I want money! Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 17:56:36 -0400 According to my E-mail, I've been winning at least a dozen major international lotteries every day... and yet, I'm still not rich! Could it be that one of these E-mails is a scam and has stolen all the money I've won from the other lotteries? I WANT BATMAN TO INVESTIGATE THIS! -- K. Also he should let me drive the Batmobile and push the button that fires the missiles at our old gym teachers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I love you guys... Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 19:57:45 -0400 I'm receiving the first reports that some of you have sent the necessary E-mails to Uwe Boll to tell him he's a coward for challenging everyone on the Internet except me to beat him up. I am grateful for all the support I've received so far. But there's still more work to be done, because I haven't gotten the chance to beat Uwe Boll (whoever he is) up yet. Keep those cards and letters coming to --> info@boll-kg.de <-- to let Uwe Boll know that he's a serious loser if he doesn't fight me. I really want to do this, especially because it will send a signal to all the other movie directors in the world that I am more important than they are. If they make some movies I don't see, and then loudly complain that I didn't see their movies, and then beg me to beat them up, why, they'll get beaten up. So you can imagine what'll happen to the people who make bad movies I _did_ see, such as Albert Pyun and Wong Jing and the geniuses behind the baby geniuses of "Baby Geniuses". The movie makers of the world must be stopped _now_. If Uwe Boll isn't man enough to fight me, nobody else should be allowed to make any bad movies until we both get into a boxing ring and I come out. Anyway, yeah, I love you guys. Now please tell info@boll-kg.de to let me hurt him a lot. It's for the good of humanity. -- K. And always recycle everything all the time, because saving the environment is more fun than watching an Uwe Boll movie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I love you guys... Date: Sun, 18 Jun 2006 23:32:02 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I see he's making films of more recent games, "Postal" is only recent if you're like a million years old. > how come nobody ever made a movie about Atari 2600 games? *sigh* Don't make me sing the song from the theatrical trailer for "Yar's Revenge" again. It was more memorable than the ones for Activision games, but I seem to be about the only one who remembers that they used to show those in theaters because the Sears Wishbook didn't support full-motion animation in those days. Wasn't there also one for the arcade "Robotron"? All together now: "You're a fly named Yar, on a quest in space... You attack the shield of the Qotile's base..." -- K. Back in those days you had to memorize the jingles just to know what the names of all the blocky little critters were. It became easier once Atari started running commercials on real TV instead of just in theaters where you had to pay to see them. Remember the commercial screaming the names of all the Xevious enemies? ("The Andor Genesis mothership!") ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I love you guys... Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 22:02:08 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm receiving the first reports that some of you have sent the > > necessary E-mails to Uwe Boll to tell him he's a coward for > > challenging everyone on the Internet except me to beat him up. I am > > grateful for all the support I've received so far. > > Do you have a paypal account? I would consider contributing towards your > airfare, if you don't get in you could just do a Michael Moore and film > yourself beating him anyway. I don't want your money -- well, actually I do want your money, just not towards airfare to Uwe Boll's imaginary rumble in fantasyland. I want _him_ to pay for the privilege of being beaten up by me. You should find something else to pay me for. Just send Uwe Boll some E-mail about how he's a coward if he doesn't fight me. Remember, if he doesn't actually fight me, that means he's a coward, and if he does actually fight me, then I'm gonna have me a good time in Vancouver because I'm not a coward. So go ahead and try to convince him to let me fight him for real. WHAT ARE YOU, TOO CHICKEN TO SEND A COWARD SOME MAIL? As far as filming things goes, I'm way ahead of you. Do you see that bookcase behind you, with the mirror in the middle of it? -- K. (Why do you want me to film myself beating Michael Moore?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I love you guys... Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2006 05:54:35 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I don't want your money -- well, actually I do want your money, just > > not towards airfare to Uwe Boll's imaginary rumble in fantasyland. > > I think a catchier title than "The Rumble in Fantasyland" might help > promote this idea. But then I won't get Disney to sponsor this exciting event! I was going to follow it up with "The Mugging In Tomorrowland" and "The Emergency Surgery In Frontierland", assuming Mickey will hold still while I operate. Don't _you_ want to see what's inside Mickey? Okay, so if we want a better title for The Blank In Blank, let's choose one from column A and one from column B: A B Rumble Fantasyland Fisticuffs Crazytown Riot La-La-Land Pasting Planet Stupid Fustigation Dopeytown THE Zowie IN Neener-Neverland Mangling Utopia Mutilation Dimension 1.5 Violence Cloud Nine Spat The Inner Earth Sudden Movement The Bowels Of Nowhere Right, then we're all agreed. "The Sudden Movement In The Bowels Of Nowhere" is the best way to describe Uwe Boll pretending he's going to actually pay for people's airfare to go have an imaginary fistfight with him. It's too bad he's too chicken to do as he promised and actually box me, because that would be a lot of fun for me, and a valuable lesson for him. But if he prefers to just keep being terrified of me without even actually getting beat up by me, well, then, I'll add him to my list of movie directors who are afraid of me. Hmm, after making sure he's thorougly cowed, I should probably get a part in one of his movies so I can boss him around and take a "Creative Consultant" credit. -- K. "Hey, I found Goofy's wristwatch!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I love you guys... Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 21:42:29 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] people who make bad movies I _did_ see, such as Albert Pyun and > > Wong Jing and the geniuses behind the baby geniuses of "Baby Geniuses". > > I hate Wong Jing so much I want to make a movie called "Kill Wong Jing" > with 90 minutes of people beating up Wong Jing and then the Miramax lawyers > lawsuiting him for ripping off all those scenes from Kill Bill, also there > could be a "wacky" suicide in the middle of the film for no reason. Yeah, it's a good thing "Kill Bill" didn't include any homages to other movies. You should find something more clever to do to Wong Jing than just beating him up. I think you should watch "A Chinese Torture Chamber Story" over and over to get ideas you could use to torture Wong Jing, whoever he is. -- K. The difference between Wong Jing and Uwe Boll is that they both make movies nobody likes, but people keep buying Wong Jing's movies because Uwe Boll is an asshole. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It seems they think people who buy cars are somewhat dim. Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2006 22:36:38 -0400 Remember how, ten years ago, TV commercials for something would end with "...for more information, go to something.com or go to AOL keyword 'something'"? Back when it was common knowledge that AOL users couldn't type the ".com" part all by themselves? I just saw a commercial for Pontiac. It ended by telling me to "Google 'Pontiac'". With a full-screen picture of Google. So, if you think that the entire Internet consists of Google, Pontiac salesmen have some great deals for y-o-u! People who know how to actually type site names into their Web browser should probably buy one of the other types of car, such as a Segway or a Yahtzee. -- K. The best part is that finding a company by searching for its name in Google also finds lots of complaints about the company, plus weird porn about talking cars having sex with unspeakable tentacled horrors. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It seems they think people who buy cars are somewhat dim. Date: Wed, 21 Jun 2006 16:23:09 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) writes: > > > > Well, excuse the fuck out of me. I thought a Star Trek fan might > > have known Spock's mother's maiden name. > > Spock's mother was named Burt Ward. Spock's father was Batman? Wow, at last we know where Spock got all those super powers! Remember the time that Batgirl turned green and then got exploded near the back of the soundstage by Captain Garth? And the time one of the three Catwomen turned into three copies of one Catwoman because she was created by one of the many magic evil color organs aliens have hidden throughout our galaxy? Those were great episodes. However, the one where the Riddler was black on one side and white on the other wasn't very enjoyable because I didn't have a black and white TV. Also, his costume was way too tight. How come Kirk never fought the Joker? They could have done an episode like "Arena" except that to win the gladiatorial contest Kirk would have to find naturally-occurring components which could be assembled into a primitive joy buzzer. Also all the flowers on the planet would squirt, like in that episode where the fake-looking flowers kept sneezing puffed rice at people but funnier. -- K. Not to be confused with the "Outer Limits" episode "Specimen: Unknown" where the space mushrooms turned into identical-looking flowers that kept sneezing at people. That episode had nothing in common with "Star Trek" except that "Star Trek" stole all their spacesuits from it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Uwe Boll writes back! And says almost part of a sentence! Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2006 14:47:33 -0400 This just in: (E-mail address bleeped to protect his privacy.) -> From: UBollXXXXX@aol.com -> Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2006 12:22:21 EDT -> Subject: Re: I openly mocked the brilliance of Uwe Boll in 2005... -> -> age, size , jpeg Hmm, apparently there are some new restrictions. I guess now there are age limits and height limits and he only wants handsome guys. So this makes me think really this is the same as Andy Kaufman's wrestling matches, except gay -- he's looking for a boyfriend to rub his duct tape against in public. Ewwwwww. I shall compose an equally coy, also in sentences of one word. Let's see if he's serious. I'm ready to fight if he's ready to pick some rules and stop listing nouns. (Gosh, with writing skills like that -- remember, Dr. Boll's doctorate is in literature -- one wonder why anyone _would_ have openly mocked him in 2005!) -- K. Have I wandered into a "Traumschiff Surprise" sequel, or is this going to be gayer than that? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll writes back! And says almost part of a sentence! Date: Sat, 17 Jun 2006 15:28:51 -0400 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > > > This may be the stupidest thing I've ever gotten myself into. > > I don't need to physically see Uwe's movies with my eyes, or put them > under a microscope, or burn them and subject them to gas > chromatography, to know that they're great. Where's the wonder in > that? Of course these movie skeptics don't like his movies, because > they don't understand how the movies should be experienced. But I have > faith in Uwe Boll's films. I can contemplate the mystery of their > being and approach a state of rapture. I think you misspelled "Samuel L. Jackson". > If you can't arrange to fight Uwe Boll, maybe you could fight > me. That's right, I am willing to fight to defend my faith in Uwe's > movies, and I have faith in my boxing abiliy too. But since Boston is > like ten thousand miles away, maybe we could try Internet boxing. To > do it right, we'd need Macromedia Flash, a soundtrack, a big intro, > graphics that appear okay in the screen shots, and game play that is > less flexible than a typical 1979 handheld LED video game. It would be > even better if the game play were basically random, because I'm not > much good at video games. For instance, both players could choose to > attack high, medium, or low, and high beats medium and medium beats > low but low beats high by ducking underneath, so it's Roshambo with a > skin of total macho awesomeness. And then once I have proven the > correctness of my views by kicking your ass, Uwe could turn the game > into the best movie ever. I challenge you to a typical '70s entirely-mechanical video game. That's right, I'm gonna Blip your ass! > Also, I have switched to using a single space between sentences. Keep > your eye out for additional frequent style changes that will keep my > content fresh and in tune with contemporary Internet standard colors, > hem lines, and tie thicknesses. You're still choosing individual colors? How droll. Everyone knows that sophisticated people never choose a color independently of architecting a "color story". My color story is based on a video game. And that game is... Blip! Believe it... or not! > Look at me! I'm on the Internet making fun of the Internet! Please, > somebody kick me, hard. If I'm going to miss out on weather like this > because I have to do work, then I should be working dammit. DAMMIT YOU'RE RUINING THIS FIGHT CLUB FOR EVERYONE -- K. I just posted this because I wanted to call dibs on "Blip: The Movie" before any mad Germans did. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll writes back! And says almost part of a sentence! Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2006 18:56:44 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > have you considered the possibility that this is an elaborate troll > with the aim being nothing more than capturing your face on film and > releasing it to the (surely enormous) Uwe Boll following? Fact-checking: [www.gamespot.com] -> -> Today, GameSpot contacted Boll's recently-hired-but-already- -> weary-sounding publicist to inquire if the release on Skewed & -> Reviewed was indeed the real thing. "Here is the press release -> that you requested," was the sum of the terse e-mail response, -> which came with a complete version of the release attached. So, it's not a hoax, unless the entire Internet is in on it except for me, which isn't possible, because I'm the only one who sets up hoaxes like that. Aww, he's already starting to dial it down: [www.gamespot.com] => => [...] => => However, when asked by GameSpot how he planned to train for five => 10-round fights in two days, Boll said the press release was => mistaken, adding "Three rounds should be enough per fight." I hope they're not hollowpoint rounds. Three rounds (against each of five men) sounds like a much more realistic number, especially given that most of us won't have the boxing experience that Dr. Boll does. He's heavier and more experienced than me (in other words, I'm skinny and I have no experience) so I'm certainly not going to ask for ten rounds. > > Let's see if he's serious. I'm ready to fight if he's ready > > to pick some rules and stop listing nouns. > > suggestion: point out that you've been studying all of legendary > wrestler Andy Kaufman's trick moves. I said I was serious, not a pervert. Perversions should stay outside the boxing ring, or possibly under it where there's a nice dark space. He's written back, again with part of a sentence demanding my picture. I'm drafting a long reply explaining that I will need to see some detailed legal paperwork about rights and responsibilities and liabilities before turning over anything such as a photo that could be used for publicity. I need answers to questions about how this fight will be conducted -- it would be stupid for me to commit before he's even settled questions like "Will we wear head protection?", "Who will be the referee?", "What medical services will be provided?", "How many plane tickets?", etc. He has a history of suing people he's attempted to do _friendly_ business with (he sued both the distributor and the star of "Bloodrayne" this week, some have hypothesized that this announcement of the boxing challenge is to distract from that.) And, given that the rules of the match are either changing or unspecified, at this point it's up to him to tell people exactly what they're committing to (and what he's committing to) before we agree to get punched or waste time training for a fight that I still think is unlikely to actually happen. And I certainly don't want to commit to something and then get sued if I somehow manage to win. He certainly sounds like he's willing to fight me (even though I didn't quite meet the original entry requirements -- I guess he's short on victims), and I'm willing to fight him, but "I'm willing" is different from "I know it's guaranteed to happen". There are still a lot of unknowns, and the question now is whether he's going to do the necessary legal work to ensure that it _can_ happen. Anyway, what should I ask to see in a contract/waiver before agreeing to fight him? -- K. This may be the stupidest thing I've ever gotten myself into. Isn't it great? It's like "Fight Club" except weird! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll writes back! And says almost part of a sentence! Date: Sat, 17 Jun 2006 02:01:07 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This may be the stupidest thing I've ever gotten myself into. > > Groan. And we helped. That's right, Terri, you are Tyler Durden. Shame on you for being a guy like that, making us other alienated macho guys in a modern world feel we must experience the feeling of being alive by entering a fight we know we'll lose. The butterflies in my stomach feel great because now I am alive, dammit. Here and now, the butterflies are telling me that I'm finally part of something where the stupidity is bigger than myself! It's only boxing, Terri. It's just hockey, but without the hockey. > Terri-I cannot believe you would actually do this. You don't know me very well. Would I risk suffering intense pain for a chance to hurt someone who's asking to be hurt? Hell yeah. IT'S ONLY PAIN, and a small chance of another concussion that'll make me a genius or whatever concussions do, I used to know but I don't memember so good Batman. I will try not to let him pound the top of my head against any car door frames 'cause that's the worst type of concussion, in my experience. Again, this is all on the condition that when I see something approaching a legal contract it'll be something that doesn't raise any obvious red flags. I'm still assuming that it's likely that for some reason or another, the event will not be held, or the terms will preclude anyone as sane as me from agreeing to it. But I will go through with it if he's smart enough to be able to set this event up to eliminate any outstanding issues. The person I've chosen to play my manager agrees with me that I shall not commit to fustigation without some consultation regarding potential litigation. -- K. How come nobody ever noticed that Project Mayhem is a total rip-off of Kibo's Do What I Say Club? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Uwe Boll writes back! And says almost part of a sentence! Date: Sat, 17 Jun 2006 15:25:14 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > This may be the stupidest thing I've ever gotten myself into. > > > > > > Groan. And we helped. > > > > That's right, Terri, you are Tyler Durden. > > Do you know I have never seen that movie? I always seem to miss > it when it's on the tv for some reason or another. You want to watch "Fight Club" on TEE VEE? Aw, man, shame on you. Watching "Fight Club" on TV is like watching "2001" on an iPod or watching "A Clockwork Orange" in church or watching "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" with your eyes open. It's just plain wrong. For the proper experience, you should buy the most expensive DVD you can of "Fight Club", then take it from its packaging and stare at the shiny part reverently until you accept "Fight Club" into your heart, then kiss the DVD and put it into a new DVD player you bought just for "Fight Club" and will destroy the moment the movie ends. Or just watch "Brazil" instead. It's the same movie, only parts of "Ichi The Killer" are the parts of "Fight Club" that aren't "Brazil". They're all the same movie because they're all good and scientists have demonstrated that there is only one sort of goodness, so just watch any good movie and then you can say you've seen everything. -- K. I bet you have the version of "Hero" where Jet Li was dubbed by Wally Cox. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Capitals (was: Uwe Boll) Date: Sat, 17 Jun 2006 15:18:12 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How come nobody ever noticed that Project Mayhem is a total rip-off > > of Kibo's Do What I Say Club? > > because we only do as you say and you never SAID to notice that! HOW > were we supposed to notice if you never TOLD us to, HUH? DO NOT NOTICE I AM USING MORE CAPITALS THAN YOU > butting (YAY for RANDom CAPS!) I still think the English language is ready to develop Thirdcase, the thing which is to capitals as capitals are to lowercase. After all, it's been centuries since uncials and decorative initials collided and mutated into lowercase and capitals. The language is due for a new level of capitalization beyond capitalization. Thirdcase. It'll be shoutacular. I will pay one Imaginary Internet Dollar to the first person who draws a picture of what Thirdcase looks like, so that I can then draw a better version to shame and humiliate them. -- K. DO NOT NOTICE THAT ANYONE COULD WIN BY CREATING FOURTHCASE ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Farting preacher video Date: Sun, 18 Jun 2006 18:50:01 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I wonder if they make a new one every year? Or if a farting > preacher video is the "Hello World" of video editing? Didn't you hear? iMovie now has an "add farts to anything" button. In fact, they removed all the other features because Steve Jobs thinks that one's the most important. He has a problem and tries to hide it by having millions of computers make farting noises. I think he wouldn't be so gassy if he didn't put a whole jar of silvery mayonnaise on every one of his sandwiches. Apple also sells a deluxe video editing program, Final Cut One Pro, which is exactly like iMovie except with a second button ("add more farts"). Steve Jobs's business paradigm of "my laptop is what keeps farting during business meetings" is expected to be countered by Bill Gates's new "My computer has the bad haircut, not me" strategy. -- K. Also, next year, there will be an even smaller MacBook where the keyboard won't even be painted on. You'll have to draw your own key caps on it. Steve Jobs thinks that anyone who knows how to touch-type is a loser. "Nobody should still be trying to use our crappy keyboards," he said in an E-mail he wrote by dragging animated blue gelatinous letters around with a mouse. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: 64 Date: Sun, 18 Jun 2006 19:41:57 -0400 I was careful to watch "Yellow Submarine" today because I heard that if you start the DVD at just the right time so that "When I'm 64" is playing at the exact moment that Paul McCartney turns 64 you get super powers just like if you play "Dark Side Of The Moon" at the same moment that Dorothy walks right behind that electric chair in "The Wizard Of Oz". So, anyway, I watched the animated version of "When I'm 64" right when Sir Paul was 64.000000000 years old and the only thing that happened was that it unlocked a secret DVD Easter Egg where Elton John turned the submarine into a big silver ball that went through a psychedelic pinball machine while everybody counted to "64! 64! 64! 64!" and then Oscar turned a third color and Bert and Ernie finally got married and then Ringo crashed the train from "Shining Time Station" into them while yelling "HEEEEERE'S STARKEY!" and then he froze to death and you can totally see him in the background of the final shot of the original "Blade Runner" right when the VW beetle goes behind Dorothy while she's in the electric chair. This is all true even though none of it really happened. Happy birthday, Paul. Now you know how the disembodied heads of Zager and Evans are going to feel in 2525. -- K. This is why that guy in "Alien Cubed" sang that song. Because he was testing the theory that if you sing that song during 2525 it changes the laws of physics so that you can talk about Fight Club without the Universe exploding. You remember Asimov's Three Laws: 1. For every action, an object cannot talk about Fight Club, or allow Fight Club to come to harm. 2. An object at rest cannot talk about Fight Club, unless talking about Fight Club is necessary to uphold the First Law. 3. If entropy can go wrong, it will. Where was I? Oh, yeah, Paul McCartney just got really old. He should've written a song about turning 100 so that he wouldn't have to get old so soon. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 64 Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 15:56:22 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I was careful to watch "Yellow Submarine" today because I heard that if > > you start the DVD at just the right time so that "When I'm 64" is playing > > at the exact moment that Paul McCartney turns 64 you get super powers just > > like if you play "Dark Side Of The Moon" at the same moment that Dorothy > > walks right behind that electric chair in "The Wizard Of Oz". > > You didn't have the Deluxe version. I did, and now have the amazing > ability to write silly love songs. So does the deluxe version also have a black bar through the middle of the screen, instead of just over the top third and bottom third of what used to be nicely-composed artwork? Why is it that only really artsy-looking movies like "Yellow Submarine" and "Hero" get transferred to DVD by companies that pretty much wipe their butts with the film, while nobody ever screws up the video transfer of something like "The Master Of Disguise" or "Baby Geniuses"? Do you think the companies have a rule that if something looks too good, they gotta damage in accordance with some secret Newton's Law Of Conservation Of Prettiness? -- K. And I will pay an Imaginary Internet Dollar to anyone who has a transfer of "The Butterfly Murders" made from a print that's not covered with rotting green lichen. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 64 Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 17:20:44 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > think the companies have a rule that if something looks too good, > > they gotta damage it in accordance with some secret Newton's Law > > Of Conservation Of Prettiness? > > Imagine if there were an artistic movie of "Harrison Bergeron." Why do you hate the 1995 TV-movie "Harrison Bergeron" starring Sean Astin, Eugene Levy, and Howie Mandel? With Andrea Martin as Diana Moon Glampers? And Hayden Christensen? And why do you hate the 1972 PBS TV-movie "Between Time And Timbuktu" starring Avind Harum as Harrison Bergeron, Benay Venuta as Diana Moon Glampers, Kevin McCarthy as Bokonon, and Ariana Chase as Wanda June? I loved the way that one mashed together so many Vonnegut stories. It even had Bob & Ray in it. They published a photonovel version, which still floats around used book stores if you want to see the pictures that went with Vonnegut's script. PBS used to do a lot of good adaptations of literary science fiction -- they also did a version of "The Lathe Of Heaven" in the '70s, and I liked their production of "Overdrawn At The Memory Bank" in the '80s (one of only two films on "Mystery Science Theater 3000" which was enjoyable even without the robots, the other being the wacky "Danger: Diabolik".) > They'd have to mangle the artistic portrayal of the deliberately > unartistic musicians and dancers--but in order to make the portrayal > of them less artistic they'd have to make the artists portrayed > *more* artistic. This paradox itself, though, would be so artistic > in its own right that the DVD companies would explode before they > completed a single copy! You're forgetting that Diana Moon Glampers in association with the developers of the DVD format itself and the MPAA have conspired to ensure that people already have lost the ability to tell that all DVDs have a fuzzy picture and place weird handicaps on what you can do with them. > Fortunately, judging from the trailer, that TV movie I didn't know about > from 1995 doesn't have any artistic value to worry about destroying. But it had Hayden Christensen! Are you saying he's not the world's greatest actor? He invented Darth Vader! -- K. Vonnegut's story "Harrison Bergeron" is why I refer to iPods as "mental handicap radios". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 64 Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 15:49:03 -0400 Sean Case (seancase@tpg.com.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Where was I? Oh, yeah, Paul McCartney just got really old. > > He should've written a song about turning 100 so that he > > wouldn't have to get old so soon. > > But to do that he'd have to be missing two fingers, which would mean > he'd have to face away from the audience while playing the bass guitar > with his maimed hands. Nuh-uh. You forget I just watched "Yellow Submarine", so I know that if he reached age 99 Paul McCartney would have nine fingers on each hand so that he could do the "99" for the video. I'm not sure what the "100" would be, but I believe the middle "0" would be Potsie's exploding head, and at least one of the other digits would be Mandrake The Magician. Also they'd all have stripes. And Paul McCartney would keep screaming into the animators' ears, "MORE STRIPES!" -- K. That was back when he was only 26, before he married his way into the TV dinner industry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 64 Date: Sun, 18 Jun 2006 23:20:27 -0400 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Where was I? Oh, yeah, Paul McCartney just got really old. > > He should've written a song about turning 100 so that he > > wouldn't have to get old so soon. > > Paul McCartney is also NEVER ALLOWED TO SING THAT SONG EVER AGAIN > because it won't make any sense. So you want him to just do "Live And Let Die" and stuff from Wings? You're evil. Eeeeeeeeevil with a capital E and lots of lowercase ones. I bet you think Ringo should have been paid less than everyone else, not just less than John, Paul, and George. > I am expecting you to enforce this. How? He's really rich. -- K. Today I saw a commercial using a cover of "All You Can Need Is Love", but they took out the part where Paul starts singing "She Loves You, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah" while John is trying to sing the other song, so that they wouldn't have to pay super double royalties to that weirdo who owns the rights to all those Beatles songs. I think Paul McCartney should use his vast fortune to buy all of the old Jackson 5 songs and wipe his butt with them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: In the news: "Special needs" means "Needs electric torture" Date: Sun, 18 Jun 2006 23:09:03 -0400 [www.boston.com] -> -> N.Y. report denounces shock use at school -> Says students are living in fear -> -> By Scott Allen, Globe Staff | June 15, 2006 -> -> New York education officials issued a scathing report yesterday on a -> Massachusetts school that punishes troubled and disabled students -> with electric shocks, finding that they can be shocked for simply -> nagging the teacher and that some are forced to wear shock devices -> in the bathtub or shower, posing an electrocution hazard. The scary part is that it's people from New York explaining to Massachusetts how not to be cruel and mean. After all, my understanding is that in Cambridge, most elementary schools consist entirely of "You can make anything out of hemp," though in this article they're talking about some really screwed-up private school run by sociopaths for profit. And I always thought people from New York were the mean ones! (That's why I moved to Massachusetts, to take advantage of the mellow hippies.) -> The report, based in part on an inspection last month of the Judge -> Rotenberg Educational Center in Canton, portrayed a school in which -> most staff lack training to handle the students and seem more -> focused on punishing bad behavior than encouraging good acts. -> -> The investigators said some forms of discipline, such as a device -> that delivers shocks at timed intervals, appear to violate federal -> safety regulations, and students live in an atmosphere of -> ``pervasive fears and anxieties." Well, duh! Shock collars don't make dogs happy critters, so why would anyone think making kids wear shockers would make the kids well-adjusted? After all, kids are almost as smart as dogs! -> The report, denounced by Rotenberg officials as biased, is expected -> to play a key role next Monday when education regulators in New York -> are scheduled to vote on whether to severely restrict the use of -> painful punishment on students from New York. -> -> Two-thirds of Rotenberg's students are sent from New York. Potentially Overheard in New York: "Bobby, because you were naughty, we're sending you on a field trip to Massachusetts. It's three hours each way, so the whole trip will take six hours and two seconds, providing the bus driver doesn't take a circuitous route to hit extra potholes on the way back while your butt is all burnt from those two seconds of Massachusetts-style zappitude." -> [...] -> -> There have been increasing allegations of abuse at the Rotenberg -> Center in recent months. -> -> They include several assertions that students have been badly burned -> by the shock devices, known as graduated electronic decelerators. "Decelerators"? That's a funny synonym for "cattle prods". NOT A LIKELY SCENARIO ON ANY FARM: "Hold still, cow!" *ZAP* "Hey, the cow suddenly became completely calm once I shot sparks into it!" If electric shocks decelerate people, why do electric chairs need all those straps to hold them down? -> [...] -> -> Yesterday, a lawyer for the school, Michael Flammia, said the -> New York report grossly distorts what goes on at the school, -> which is often used as a place of last resort for students -> with autism, mental retardation, or behavioral problems. How could anyone possibly distort the use of an electrical "decelerator" to make retarded kids smarten up and calm down? The very name "decelerator" makes it clear that these shock thingies do nothing worse than slow the kids down! Who's even going to notice if they use a "decelerator" to slow the slow children down further? The school is just complying with all those road signs that say "slow children ahead"! If everyone followed the law of those signs, the slow children wouldn't be ahead, they'd be behind us where they belong! Shame on people for distorting the saintly work these humanitarians are doing with high-voltage "decelerators" on mentally incompetent children! -> [...] -> -> The school has about 250 students, about half of whom wear electric -> shock devices that teachers can activate around the clock. "Hey, why isn't my garage door opening no matter how many times I push this button? Be quiet, Bobby! Why do you always scream every time I do THIS to try to open the garage door? If you don't stop screaming when I do THIS, I'm going to punish you! Fine, let me just push the button on the agonizer -- hey, look, the door suddenly opened all by itself! It must be because I pushed the button on the opener a hundred times! Now let me just try to close it the same way..." My next question is, how do they make the kids not take off their shockboxes? Let me guess, the kids are covered in bicycle padlocks? I'm also thinking this could turn into the part of John Woo's "Face/Off" where the prisoners are held in place with magnets. (But at least it's not reminding me of the twelve far less plausible things in that crummy movie.) -> ``These findings are completely false. They are the product of a -> biased review team sent by the New York State Education Department -> for the specific purpose of making derogatory findings" about the -> center, said Flammia, who denied that students are forced to wear -> shock devices in the shower. And I just happen to have that report right here (thanks to the Globe posting it with the article): => Students may have multiple GED devices (electrodes) on => their bodies. For example, one NYS student's behavior => program states, "C will wear two GED devices. C will wear => 3 spread, GED electrodes at all times and take a GED shower => for her full self care." Maybe it's safe because a "GED shower" doesn't involve water, but some sort of electrically non-conductive liquid, for instance, a thousand gallons of boiling hot molten rubber. Man, that would be expensive. Have you seen the price of a vat of liquid latex lately? -> [...] -> -> Some parents of Rotenberg students rallied behind the school, as -> they have in the past, saying that most people don't understand how -> serious their children's problems are. The school, which costs -> states and school districts more than $200,000 a year per student, Yep, that's the price. They could probably save a little money by recycling their liquid latex. There's a big market for that canned chocolate pudding they always have at the dessert bar at the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet -- that stuff is basically liquid latex with brown paint mixed in. -> helps students who have failed everywhere else, they say, and turns -> to shocks and other punishments only if less painful methods fail. -> -> ``This school has saved my daughter's life," said Marcia Shear of -> Long Island, whose 13-year-old daughter, Samantha, used to punch -> herself in the head so often that she detached both retinas. -> -> After she received a few high-level shocks, Shear said, the -> self-abuse stopped. ``I am livid at these people and pieces of -> garbage who think they know what they're doing. Let them come and -> sit with my child and go through what I've gone through for 11 -> years." "In fact, I invite everyone in the world to come and torture my child. This is the argument I am using to defend my right to pay people to torture my child on my behalf because I am too busy to torture her myself. Also, because my daughter needed such intensive torture, it is therefore right for the school to do it to all the other kids whenever they want. Case closed!" Then she drove off in her hovercraft on her mission to prove that anyone who doesn't like giving kids shocks is a "piece of garbage". I'm glad the shocks helped her daughter, but just 'cause it worked for her daughter doesn't mean that it's right for the school to zap all the other kids for whatever reason. If drugs had helped her kid, would she be championing some school that gives all the students the same quantity of drugs? (...and the name of that school is... Emerson College!) -> The 26-page New York report intensified a debate over the Judge -> Rotenberg Center's methods that has gone on for much of its 35 -> years. The latest controversy began in March, when Evelyn Nicholson -> of Freeport, N.Y., went public with a charge that her son, Antwone, -> had been mistreated at the school, where he was shocked 79 times -> over 1 1/2 years. She initially consented to the procedure to curb -> her son's aggressive behavior, but said she changed her mind after -> Antwone became increasingly desperate to get away. -> -> ``There's no education in what's happening here," said Ken Mollins , -> a lawyer representing the Nicholson family, which is suing New York -> for $10 million. ``The head of this institution calls this therapy. -> I think this is more like a domestic torture chamber." It should be moved overseas to Guantanamo! -> The New York inspectors found that more than two-thirds of the -> direct-care providers at the Rotenberg Center have completed only a -> high school education, which they said ``in many cases . . . is not -> sufficient to oversee the intensive treatment of children with -> challenging emotional and behavioral problems." -> -> They also noted that only six of the 17 clinicians who oversee -> mental-health care at the school have a license in psychology. But more importantly, how many of them are licensed electricians? -> The inspectors said the school appeared to violate FDA regulations -> in several ways, including a policy that allows the parents of -> students to administer shocks to students after only minimal -> training. If this training consists of giving the parents electrical shocks to force them to give their kids enough electrical shocks, my brain's going to suffer a stack overflow from the effects of recursive sadism. -> The New York report also said that the school appears to -> violate Massachusetts regulations that allow painful punishments -> only for ``extraordinarily difficult or dangerous behavioral -> problems," noting that they witnessed one student who was threatened -> with a shock after sneezing in class. But all the facts aren't in! We don't know whether she deliberately gave herself hay fever just to disrupt the class! (Actually, the report doesn't say she was threatened with a shock because she sneezed -- it's because she asked for a tissue. Really.) -> [...] -> -> Supporters of a bill in the Massachusetts Legislature to ban the use -> of electric shocks on students said they hoped the New York report -> would give new momentum to their efforts to force the school to -> change its methods or close. A proposed ban was written into the -> state budget passed by the Senate, but the House of Representatives -> has not taken a position. -> -> ``It's troubling that it's necessary for New York officials to point -> out the violations of Massachusetts law taking place at this -> facility," said state Senator Brian Joyce, the Milton Democrat who -> has led the effort to ban electric shock. However, I think New York City is still way ahead of Boston in terms of the number of dogs killed by electrified manhole covers every year. Boston's doing a pretty good job keeping up, but they still don't grill as many poodles as New York. But onto what the report really said. Some highlights: => Another form of mechanical restraint occurs when the student is => in a five-point restraint in a chair. Students may be restrained => for extensive periods of time (e.g., hours or intermittently for => days) when restraint is used as a punishing consequence. Many => students are required to carry their own "restraint bag" in => which the restraint straps are contained. "Don't lose your straps, or you could jeopardize your credit rating!" I saw in the news that China is gradually switching from just shooting prisoners in the back of the head to having deathmobile vans driving around to give people lethal injections and then immediately whisking their organs to wherever the capitalists will pay the most for them. Given that under the old system the prisoners' family had to pay for the bullet that was used, do they now charge just for the poison injection, or do they also include the gasoline? => A combination of mechanical restraint and GED skin shock is also => used to administer a consequence to students that attempt to => remove the GED from their bodies. In instances where this => combined aversive approach is used, the student, over a period => of time specified on his or her behavior program, is => mechanically restrained on a platform and GED shocks are applied => at varying intervals. => => An example of this is found on one NYS student's behavior => program; a consequence for pulling a fire alarm is to receive => 5 GED, over a 10-minute period, while being restrained on a => four-point board. If the next sentence is "His charred corpse was found strapped to the bondage table in the burned-out building," ... You know, people suck. I'm sorry, they just do. Can I move to a planet where the native life forms keep the four-point restraints in the bedroom where they belong? => GED skin shock and restraint are also used together when the => Behavior Rehearsal Lesson (BRL) is practiced on a student. The => BRL is used when a student exhibits a high risk, low frequency => behavior. As described by a JRC staff person, during a BRL, the => student is restrained and GED administered as the student is => forcibly challenged to do what the procedure seeks to eliminate. => If the student attempts to pull away he receives a GED skin => shock; if the student attempts to follow through with the => high-risk behavior he receives multiple GED skin shocks at => closer intervals. "A Clockwork Catch-22". The most painful satire ever. Coming soon in the form of a really, really long movie directed by both Mike Nichols and Stanley Kubrick. They take turns shocking the audience... with a cattle prod. Come to think of it, "Catch-22" had a scene where one of the leads was sitting on a toilet, just as in most Kubrick movies, so maybe "Catch-22" and "A Clockwork Orange" really were intended to be one big movie. If that's true, do you think Orson Welles would have been one of the droogs? He could've brought his own bowler derby. => Several students from NYS came to JRC with diagnoses of Post => Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)4, yet their behavior programs => call for skin shock. Skin shock has the potential to increase => the symptoms associated with PTSD, yet there is no evidence of => data measuring these possible side effects or therapies designed => to treat these symptoms. Okay, now it's either "Apocalypse Now" or "Full Metal Jacket". It's ballooned to a twenty-hour movie starring Marlon Brando and Orson Welles and Malcolm MacDowell and R. Lee Ermey. Is there a way we can change this movie about the evil school into something lighter, like maybe "Kindergarten Cop"? The students could be punished by being told "DERE EEZ NO BOTROOM!" and if they don't eat their food, a staff member could point at the meat loaf and yell, "EET'S NOT A TOOMA!" Hilarity would ensue. Boy, did that movie stink. I am now going to close my eyes and imagine Orson Welles playing the Schwarzenegger role. And he's drunk. Ah, that's better. => Many of the students observed at JRC were not exhibiting => self-abusive/mutilating behaviors, and their IEPs had no => indication that these behaviors existed. However, they were => still subject to Level III aversive interventions, including use => of the GED device. The review of NYS students' records revealed => that Level III interventions are used for behaviors including => 'refuse to follow staff directions', 'failure to maintain a neat => appearance', 'stopping work for more than 10 seconds', => 'interrupting others', 'nagging', 'whispering and/or moving => conversation away from staff', 'slouch in chair', ATTENTION PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET. EVERY TIME I PRESS MY SPACE BAR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE SLOUCHING WILL BE SHOCKED. IF THE SHOCK CAUSES YOU TO STOP WORKING FOR MORE THAN TEN SECONDS, YOU WILL BE SHOCKED AGAIN. IF YOU MOVE CONVERSATION AWAY FROM ME, YOU WILL BE SHOCKED. AND IF YOU DO NOT LIKE BEING SHOCKED, YOU WILL BE SHOCKED. I found a chart on another Web site listing the power requirements for the GED-4 unit. "730 9V disposable batteries per year". That's a lot of shocks if you're draining two 9V batteries a day. If you don't have an idea just how much shockage two batteries per day can provide: Get two 9V batteries and press them against your tongue until they're completely drained. Either that, or the GED-4 unit was designed by people who don't know a thing about circuit design. (Most dog shock collars can run for months and months off a little button battery, assuming you're not pressing the button a million times a day.) => JRC has a policy on modifying contingencies due to the special => "pleading" of students. Part of the treatment program for => students involves deliberately setting up unfair or mistaken => directions or decelerative (application of a skin shock with a => GED device) consequences for the students. The student is => expected to handle these unfair situations successfully and not => 'plead' or appeal to a psychologist or clinician regarding => his/her treatment. In instances where the student "pleads" => to the psychologist or clinician, there are consequences => imposed on the student. So they're giving the kids electrical shocks to train them that they'll be punished if they ever complain that the staff is giving them electrical shocks for no reason? Hmm. I'm guessing they also don't let the kids watch reruns of "The Prisoner". Or read Orwell. (They probably do let them read Ayn Rand, but only if the electric shocks aren't painful enough.) => Students in classrooms were docile and compliant and did not => attempt to socially engage, either verbally or with eye contact, => anyone in the rooms. This was also apparent in the residences => visited by the team. Staff indicated, on at least three => occasions, that it was unsafe to allow students to socialize => because in the past students had plotted against staff. => => [...] => => One student stated she felt depressed and fearful, => stating very coherently her desire to leave the center. => She is not permitted to initiate conversation with any => member of the staff. The sad thing is that although these investigations may well result in the torture-school being shut down, they probably won't arrest any of the parents who paid these people to lock their kids up and zap 'em. And if you think the regular teachers at this school are scary, you should see the gym teachers... -- K. On the other hand, electric shock punishment probably has fewer side effects than pumping the kids full of drugs, or making them read Ayn Rand. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: In the news: "Special needs" means "Needs electric torture" Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 17:04:05 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> New York education officials issued a scathing report yesterday on a > > -> Massachusetts school that punishes troubled and disabled students > > -> with electric shocks, > > > > The scary part is that it's people from New York explaining to > > Massachusetts how not to be cruel and mean. > > Well, take heart! > > The funny part is that the New York State Education Department's Board > of Regents, shocked by the treatment of autistic children from New York > at the hands of vicious Massachussetteers, and also *apalled* at how > much money they have to spend on special needs children because New > York apparently doesn't have enough school psychologists to handle the > kids in-state, has suggested changes to their regulations. > > The gist of the regulations are: bring the kids back from cruel, cruel > Massachussetts and guarantee their right to a *free* education in the > normal public school system by... TA-DA! allowing aversive treatments > to be administered by ordinary school teachers! As long as it's the ordinary teachers and not the gym teachers. Or worse, the "special gym" teachers. Or the guy with the Mr. High Hat puppet who once told me that in the Marines he learned how to kill a man by pulling his ears off. (The man told me that, not the puppet... I think.) The idea that they should "mainstream" the special-needs kids into public schools by allowing teachers to give them "aversive treatments" doesn't seem like that good an idea. When I was growing up in New York State, the "normal" kids would always pick on the school's "special" kids in cruel ways (there was this one guy who was palsied on one side, and somehow the kids discovered "if you punch him on his left arm, he'll go to sleep" and so they spent all their time inducing seizures in him before he got taken out of the school full of jerks.) Imagine how much worse the treatment by the other kids would be for a special-needs kids who is seen getting an "aversive treatment" from the teachers. If the kids know that the teacher can lock only the special kid in the punishment closet or whatever, they're going to go out of their way to goad him into behaviors that lead to that so they can snicker about how they got him punished in a way they can't be. I think part of the problem was that the schools I went to had such a monoculture (that is, we were all white and normal except for the token black kid and the token wheelchair kid and the token retarded kid) that it automatically led to this sort of cruelty against those who were different in unique ways. Things probably would have been better if there were three or four "mainstreamed" kids in every class instead of just one in the whole school. The kids would have to accept that special-needs kids aren't _that_ different from them if they were aware that there were more than one of them in the world. By the way, the local school for the special kids who didn't get "mainstreamed" was the Heck Center. Great name. > => It is recommended that the Board of Regents discuss and provide > => direction regarding emergency regulations to establish: > => > => 1. general rules for behavioral interventions, including > => a prohibition on the use of aversive or noxious stimuli > => as a consequence for behaviors; > => 2. a process for exceptions to the prohibition on the use > => of aversive behavioral interventions on a child-specific > => basis; and > => 3. standards for programs using aversive interventions, as > => authorized through the child-specific waiver process. > > Lemme tell you, the Aspergers and autistic communities are in an uproar > about this... I'm still campaigning for "noxious stimuli" to be removed from all schools, especially in the cafeterias. By the way, I know I promised about a month back that I would soon do another survey of hideous school lunch food, but apparently there's this period called "summer" where kids don't have to go to school so I should've thought of that before I opened my big mouth. So maybe sometime after Labor Day I'll go looking for more Taco Patties and Wet Burritos and whatever they hell they called that one where you ladle a glob of canned chili into a bag of Fritos. > The regents are in a tizzy, too. Apparently, it's going to take a lot > of work to make these legal changes, because for some stupid reason > New York has outlawed strangling. Well, yeah, because it wrecks the hotel sprinkler system. -- K. I'm impressed that this thread has gone this far without degenerating into a flamewar where someone would have to bring out the classic quote, "Arguing on the Internet is like running in the Special Olympics... even if you win, you're still retarded." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: In the news: "Special needs" means "Needs electric torture" Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 15:28:32 -0400 Cameron (cbrown1974@optusnet.com.au) wrote: > > [...] As someone who pulled a city wide tanty about chillen getting > smacked up on hammer and ice it might just be a personal issue, I agree with you 100%. Nobody wants kids jumping around in baggy gold satin pants and anvil-shaped haircuts saying things can't be touched or that anything is too legit to quit. -- K. It's 90s flashback day! And now, here's today's "Trivial Pursuit: The 90s Edition" question: Name the extremely awesome on-line religion created by the super-wonderful James "Kibo" Parry. That's for a yellow wedgie. And you'll also get a yellow game piece. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: In the news: "Special needs" means "Needs electric torture" Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 15:22:56 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > NOT A LIKELY SCENARIO ON ANY FARM: "Hold still, cow!" *ZAP* > > "Hey, the cow suddenly became completely calm once I shot sparks into it!" > > Depends how MUCH sparks you shot into it. Also, you might get a head-start > on cooking it. There's a claim that during Ben Franklin's perverted "electricity parties" (where he would do things like tricking someone into kissing a woman who he had secretly electrified) he would serve a turkey dinner where people would see him cooking the turkey by sending electricity through it. Now, knowing a little something about how electricity interacts with flesh-like substances, and the limited amount of power available in Franklin's day, even if we assume he was only cooking slices of turkey rather than an entire bird I still don't think this is even remotely workable. If you attach two electrodes to a piece of meat, the current will spread out throughout the middle of the meat on its way from point A to point B, meaning that there will be very intense current right at the electrodes and less in the middle -- you'll have two burned spots and a bunch of raw turkey. The only way around this would be to have very large electrodes to completely saturate the meat with current, and that would require a lot of current... We're not talking about an amount of electricity that could be stored in a Leyden jar. So my guess is that, if electrically-cooked turkey was served at these parties, that Franklin simply faked it and shot a couple of sparks at some pre-cooked turkey loaf. The trick with the electrified kiss is easy to do (involving small amounts of static electricity) -- he probably did that one all the time, whether or not he actually held these parties. Lips contain far more tingle receptors than most other body parts, and you know old Ben would have considered that knowledge which _must_ be exploited. As Bill Murray once said, "It makes my lips numb just to think about it." > > If electric shocks decelerate people, why do electric chairs need > > all those straps to hold them down? > > Some electric shocks cause them to decelerate to zero and freeze in place, > of course... But then the Earth would be accelerating away from them at many miles per second. Or are you trying to say that this is some magical device that overcomes all the objections Albert Einstein would have raised to it, starting with his "What's the frame of reference and why are you blessing a special frame of reference and how did you make that frame of reference be so magical and will this make my hair even frizzier?" > > Maybe it's safe because a "GED shower" doesn't involve water, > > but some sort of electrically non-conductive liquid, for instance, > > a thousand gallons of boiling hot molten rubber. > > WILL NO-ONE THINK OF THE CHILDRUN COVERED IN COSMETIC LAVA? Wow, an Abian callback. I miss him. He's probably off in some special afterlife where he can kiss an electrified Mother Superior on the lips. Go ahead, post some mad-scientist-and-elektrogummikrankenschwester porn. I dare you. > > ATTENTION PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET. EVERY TIME I PRESS MY SPACE BAR > > THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE SLOUCHING WILL BE SHOCKED. IF THE SHOCK CAUSES > > YOU TO STOP WORKING FOR MORE THAN TEN SECONDS, YOU WILL BE SHOCKED > > AGAIN. IF YOU MOVE CONVERSATION AWAY FROM ME, YOU WILL BE SHOCKED. > > AND IF YOU DO NOT LIKE BEING SHOCKED, YOU WILL BE SHOCKED. > > ...Is restriction disco still in effect, by the way? JUST ASKIN'. Okay, remember what Matt McIrvin once said about there being no statute of limitation on callbacks? Well, as Homer Simpson once said, "If there were a law, it would be against it!" You're referencing a meme so old it's never even been tested for Y2K-compliance. I think Ben Franklin used to hold parties where people would sit around quoting "restriction disco still in effect." Then he'd drop the needle on "Do The Hustle" and "Tie Me Kangaroo Down". From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: New slogans! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1993 05:56:15 Restriction disco still in effect. Trn just said that. Trn is my friend. [...] For the younger generation: Back then, we read our newsgroups with programs like trn, which was one of those programs where you actually had to know how to press keys on the keyboard if you wanted to post an article. It had a mode where you could start it up and tell it "I only want to see newsgroups whose names contain this particular string," and I don't remember whether I was searching for newsgroups about "discount" or "Discovery Channel" or what, but after it showed me those groups it said "Restriction disco still in effect." And thus, the restriction disco industry was born. Unlike the disco in the original "The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy" where the robots spray you with adrenalin, the restriction disco consists of a large number of clamps and a mirrored ball that reflects KITT's Laser Restraint System all over the place, making it impossible to leave. This is perfectly legal, because there's a sign outside that says there's an aleph-null-drink minimum. -- K. I'm just happy I've got a DVD of the "Goodies" episode where they lock up Rolf Harris. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: In the news: "Special needs" means "Needs electric torture" Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 02:32:21 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > => Students in classrooms were docile and compliant and did not > > => attempt to socially engage, either verbally or with eye contact, > > => anyone in the rooms. This was also apparent in the residences > > => visited by the team. Staff indicated, on at least three > > => occasions, that it was unsafe to allow students to socialize > > => because in the past students had plotted against staff. > > Mock if you must, but this proves that the program was wildly > successful in the treatment of those severely autistic kids. Only partially successful -- the staff survived. That school's Web site is full of links to impartial, unbiased research papers on "effectivetreatment.org" -- which is full of links back to the schools Web site -- both of which are registered to the person at the same address because we're not supposed to notice because we weren't smarted up by constant electric shocks. My favorite ordered list from their PowerPointy slideshow: [www.effectivetreatment.org] -> -> From 1971, when JRC was founded, through 1989, the supplementary -> aversives JRC employed were ones that did not involve the use of -> skin shock. The procedures that JRC employed as aversives during -> that period are listed in Exhibit 198: -> -> 1. Water squirt (from water mist plant spray bottle); -> -> 2. Vapor spray (a mixture of compressed air and water); -> -> 3. Pinch, spank to buttocks, or muscle squeeze to arm or leg; -> -> 4. Spatula spank (spank to buttocks with rubber cake spatula); -> -> 5. Helmet with visual screen and white masking noise; -> -> 6. Mechanical restraint; -> -> 7. Aromatic ammonia; -> -> 8. Unpleasant taste (vinegar and vanilla); or -> -> 9. Combinations of the above. Waiter, this menu is too kinky for me. Do you have anything in a nice hot and sour soup? And can I have a booth, or do you only have St. Andrew's crosses? It's interesting that "restraint" is always specified as "mechanical restraint", suggesting that KITT's "laser restraint system" has become real. I could never figure that out when I was a kid. Thankfully, as a grown-up I no longer question whether the stuff on TV makes any sense. I know it's all real, just like all claims on the Web about how electric shocks have no side effects. Hey, wow, I just realized that "no side effects" would be a great thing to Google whenever I want to find all the bullshit in the world at the same time. (Everything has side effects! Even if it doesn't have any effects, it at least has side effects.) Things with "no side effects", from the first page of Google results, and I am not making these up: * lingzhi (Chinese magic mushrooms) * Transcendental Meditation(TM) brand meditation * yoga * "RESPeRATE" brand headphones that lower your blood pressure (not making up) * MDMA (ecstasy) * vaccines * Effexor * hair dye (yay) * RU-486 abortion pills * St. John's Wort * a hypothetical future epilepsy treatment * HIV/AIDS medicine (in some people) * a well-formed HTTP "GET" request * patented "CD200" brand chitinase spray to repel bark beetles * meditation * several birth control methods from abstinence to vasectomies * microbes that kill those pesky nematodes without chemicals * a "Sliming Machine" for sale -- sadly, when I followed the link, it was actually an exercise machine and not one of those guns from "Ghostbusters 2". * Celexa * statins * "Vertebral Axial Decompression (VAX-D(R)) Therapy" (being tied to a rack and stretched -- not making this up) * homeopathy * honey * biotin and boron (double-header) * Valtrex * assigning a variable from the value of a literal data expression * Lexapro * any natural herb * Zocor * Robitussin * GABA * a "bio-oxidive" [sic] genital wart cream available from http://www.wartcream.com/Wart%20web%20no%20side%20effects.htm where the fine print mentions that the "no side effects" may include "nausea, vomiting, dizziness, loss of hearing, tinnitus, lethargy, hyperpnea, diarrhea, psychic disturbances." The "VAX-D(R)" stuff was new to me. I found photos of it in action. The patient lies on a VAX-D(R) brand computerized treatment table and the motors automatically stretch them out. ("Each distraction cycle, lasting 60 seconds, is followed by a relaxation cycle of similar duration.") If you don't believe me: http://www.vaxd.net/about.htm picture mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_06_VAX-D_1.jpg A Google image search for "VAX-D" turns up more pictures of people tied to racks than I've seen in all the books Amnesty International ever published. Most of them are female, but a few are guys, so there's pictures out there for anyone who wants a large collection of photos of people on racks, as long as you don't mind that they're all white. The people, too. -- K. Nothing sucks confessions out of people like a Vax. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: In the news: "Special needs" means "Needs electric torture" Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 15:42:18 -0400 Dr. HotSalt (mfergerson1@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [www.effectivetreatment.org] > > -> > > -> From 1971, when JRC was founded, through 1989, the supplementary > > -> aversives JRC employed were ones that did not involve the use of > > -> skin shock. The procedures that JRC employed as aversives during > > -> that period are listed in Exhibit 198: > > -> > > -> 1. Water squirt (from water mist plant spray bottle); > > -> > > -> 2. Vapor spray (a mixture of compressed air and water); > > -> > > -> 3. Pinch, spank to buttocks, or muscle squeeze to arm or leg; > > -> > > -> 4. Spatula spank (spank to buttocks with rubber cake spatula); > > -> > > -> 5. Helmet with visual screen and white masking noise; > > -> > > -> 6. Mechanical restraint; > > -> > > -> 7. Aromatic ammonia; > > -> > > -> 8. Unpleasant taste (vinegar and vanilla); or > > -> > > -> 9. Combinations of the above. > > I'm thinking Club Gitmo would be less traumatic long-term for the > kids. No, wait; kids will put underwear on their heads all by > themselves, but they think it's funny. Never mind. You mean it's not funny? Everything about underwear is funny all the time, no matter what part of the body it's on. If you don't believe me, try wearing panties on your feet for a week and see whether you feel funny. By the way, you're confusing Gitmo with Abu Ghraib. The two torture chambers are in completely different places under American control but completely outside American law. I can see why it's easy to get confused, given that about half the places in the world meet those criteria (the only two which don't are the continental United States, and the parts of the world where they still have restaurants with names like "The Fangji Cat Meatball Restaurant". (You know, they probably don't taste all that good if the restaurant can only serve them in meatball form.) [china.org.cn] => => The 100 or so demonstrators, including women and children, => held up banners reading "cats and dogs are friends of => human beings" as they entered the Fangji Cat Meatball => restaurant and demanded the owner free any live cats on => the premises, Xinhua said. Thst was in Guangdong, and I know nothing about Guangdong except that the "Guangdong/fACE" video company proved themselves to be the biggest bozos in the universe by buying the rights to "Hero" and then putting a giant, ugly, multicolored, jagged-edged "fACE" logo in front of the picture. I don't recall MGM thinking that "2001" needed anything like that, even in their period when they were making DVDs with the top and bottom chopped off so they could pretend their movies didn't also have the left and right chopped off. I will draw an ASCII version of the hideous "Guangdong/fACE" logo sometime just to annoy people who are trying to have a serious conversation. You've been warned. -- K. Coming soon: Jet Li fights his way from Gitmo to Abu Ghraib while hanging from magic floaty wires. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Request for Hypothetical Relationship Advice Date: Sun, 18 Jun 2006 23:41:41 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > [...] > > What if you can only wiggle someone ELSE'S ears? Then you should stand behind a "statue mime" at Quincy Market and wiggle his ears just to make everyone think the two of you are doing a marionette act instead of just him trying to not do anything. It's too bad our local living gargoyle has apparently moved. I don't mean like "moved because someone put a quarter in his cup," I mean like "moved as in he's in a city where I'm not." Quincy Market needs a new strange performance art act to fill the void and keep all those tourists from getting uppity. I repeat my earlier plea to the peanut gallery: Who wants to volunteer to assist me in this important mission of Kibo's Scary Performance Art Troupe? I promise you wouldn't have to dress up as a gargoyle or any other sort of -oyle. -- K. Sorry, Roy Scheider, we don't need a Popeye Doyle. And we really don't need a Captain Bridger. Go home! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Request for Hypothetical Relationship Advice Date: Wed, 21 Jun 2006 17:31:22 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > When I first started working at the middle school, I got a weird start > every time I passed by the On Campus Detention room. The sign on the > door said, "OCD" so every time I saw that, my brain conjured up images > of a warehouse for students with obsessive compulsive disorder. I > could imagine them all in there washing their hands over and over > again while the rest of the students jostled each other down the > hallway. That's a stupid acronym because: 1.) The same acronym could also stand for "Off-Campus Detention". 2.) There's no such thing as "Off-Campus Detention". 3.) It could easily be retouched to turn into a sign for the corporation that manufactured RoboCop (OCP). Now, a room where naughty students are turned into cyborg policemen who know how to fire guns directly at crotches, that might be something to put up a sign about. -- K. I'd buy that for a dollar! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Request for Hypothetical Relationship Advice Date: Wed, 21 Jun 2006 17:36:34 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > [...] > > Hm. I don't know how long ago this was but I'd bet it was also when > people believed playing with dolls would turn boys gay, too. (That's > why they made G.I. Joe you know. It was okay to be gay if your joints > could bend like his.) I had two Evel Knievels. I had the Evel stunt bike and the Evel stunt chopper, which was an ugly blue. They were like the original full-size G.I. Joes except they didn't have any scars, just hundreds and hundreds of broken bones, and also they could ride motorcycles nearly two or three feet before falling over. With that jumpsuit, he really should have just admitted he chose his first name because it was almost "Elvis". He's still alive. I think they keep him folded up in a drawer somewhere 'cause it makes too many crunchety-crunchety sounds when they move him. -- K. So how frail and brittle will Jackie Chan be when he turns 50? Oh, wait... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Request for Hypothetical Relationship Advice Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 16:31:56 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Otto Bahn (oTTopantyhoseBahn@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > > > Yes, the National Historical Society-approved Civil War Chess Set! > > > > There's no humor in post traumatic chess disorder. Try telling > > that joke to Bobby Fisher's face, you commi-pinko coward. > > WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE RULES TO FAIRY CHESS? This is why I like Chinese chess. It's manly, even though it's from Asia. It's got cannons and elephants and the only pieces who are wimps are those bishops who won't cross the river because it would get their dresses wet. Bishops make good gun mounts, though. Chinese Chess has no queens. This is because it comes from an ancient era when women weren't allowed to zip around battlefields blasting people with their super powers. It's just more realistic in that it doesn't allow any female pieces to play. I still don't quite get the concept of China's "airplane chess". Unless in Asia, airlines really do operate that way with planes sending each other back to "Start" over and over. (Not to be confused with a chess variant called "airplane chess" played on a Western chess board, which is just Western chess plus four planes which are superqueens, two pegasi which are superbishops, and two horses with castles on their heads which are superrooks. It's the superqueeniest game ever. I think it's for bozos who don't like chess because they always lose their queen during the first few moves so they want all the other pieces to have super powers.) Anyway, I think all chess games should have cannons, except the Civil War Chess Set, which should have zeppelins, a giant mechanical spider, and all the pieces should be edible. -- K. Finally, I have achieved the American dream: To invent a Civil War chess set that requires refills. I'll be rich! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Request for Hypothetical Relationship Advice Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 02:38:59 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > I thought of everyone on a.r.k. when I saw a notice advertising > "Clown on fire." Actually, it said "Clown for hire," but when > I first saw it and WP it, I was very afraid that one of you bozos > had moved into my neighborhood. And now he's dead. His family are going to sue you for not stopping to squirt seltzer on him. In court, I recommend as a defense strategy, "If that wasn't his belly button, then you should know, that wasn't seltzer!" Weirdo. -- K. MOMMY MOMMY WHY IS BURNY THE CLOWN ON FIRE P.S. Recently some friends and I were eating kid-friendly color-coded food with their kids at Friendly's, and one of the kids mentioned "a pointy crown" which I heard as "a pointy clown" so I spent the rest of the dinner telling the kids all about Pointy The Clown. You don't want him making your balloon animals! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: unsafe motel romps in the news Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 00:14:30 -0400 Here's one that just turned up on Fark.com: [news.galvestondailynews.com] -> -> Romantic adventure leaves motel all wet -> -> By Kelly Hawes -> The Daily News -> Published June 18, 2006 -> -> GALVESTOn -- A man and a woman were in jail Saturday on charges -> that their romantic adventure flooded several rooms at an -> island motel. And also washed away most of the "N". -> According to a police report, officers were called to the -> Comfort Inn in the 100 block of Seawall Boulevard just before -> 11 p.m. Friday. Officers said the hotel's sprinkler system had -> broken, flooding at least eight rooms and causing an estimated -> $15,000 in damage. -> -> Police said a search of the room with the broken pipe turned up -> drug paraphernalia and a number of sex toys. Name one hotel room that doesn't have "drug paraphernalia". What are you supposed to put in that ice bucket, ginger ale? -> "At first, they both denied knowing anything about the damage, -> but they couldn't get around the fact that their room was filled -> with sex toys," said Bret Griffin, an assistant district attorney. They don't seem to have learned the rule that you leave them in the suitcase except for the ones you're actually using. Otherwise you spend your whole vacation unpacking and repacking all those hundreds of things most of which turn out to not actually fit, especially if you brought all the sizes. I'm just saying that's what I've read in the Fodor's Guide. -> Griffin said the couple eventually admitted tying a rope around -> the man's neck and attaching it to the sprinkler system. Wait, wait. I'm calling safeword-by-proxy on this guy. This is a slightly unsafe game, and also you'd think if he spent his life getting his jollies from not just being strangled or smothered by actually hanged by his neck, he'd have already learned that normal hotels don't have anywhere you can hang that much weight, unless you bring one of those hooks that clips over the top of the fire door and -- hey, do you think the Fodor's Guide is hiring? -> "They thought the pipe would support the man's weight," Griffin -> said. "That proved to be wrong." Most hotel sprinklers are only designed to handle the weight of a woman. I'm not sure whether the bathroom's shower head will hold more or less weight than the fire sprinkler. I'm going to have to go with "more" based on the research done by the star of "Dr. Cyclops". -> The 45-year-old Arcadia man was held on $3,500 bond Saturday -> afternoon on charges of criminal mischief and possession of -> marijuana. His companion, a 35-year-old Santa Fe woman, was held -> on $2,000 bond on a charge of criminal mischief. He's praying his court date will be with "the hanging judge". -- K. This is what hotels get for taking out all those Magic Fingers boxes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ask Uncle oTTo Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 17:25:00 -0400 Otto Bahn (Dankly@dank.dank.com.dk) wrote: > > [...] > > I keep a watering bucket in the bathroom so I can catch the cold water > as I wait for the hot. You might want to have that prostate looked at. -- K. So do you have any recipes for microwaved fish, or spaghetti? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Cambridge public schools in the news Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 17:54:46 -0400 Pursuant to my claims that Cambridge public schools are groovy, today the Boston Globe had another article about the state of education in Massachusetts: [www.boston.com] -> -> Can this spread be stopped? -> Lawmaker wants schools to put a lid on Fluff -> -> By Philip McKenna, Globe Correspondent | June 19, 2006 -> -> The escalating war on junk food in schools has targeted a new -> enemy -- that gooey, sugary, and often irresistible sandwich -> spread known to children everywhere as Fluff. -> -> Outraged that his son was served peanut butter and Marshmallow -> Fluff sandwiches at a Cambridge elementary school, state Senator -> Jarrett T. Barrios, a Democrat, said he will offer an amendment -> to a junk-food bill this week that would severely limit the -> serving of marshmallow spreads in school lunch programs -> statewide. Hey, when I was a kid, I remember them making us make our _own_ as part of classwork. At least once or twice a year we'd be required to shove peanut butter and Fluff into apples. The New York version of the "Fluffernutter" is intended to help use up those apples the state just can't get rid of -- I recall a lot of forcible apple indoctrination as a child, such as periodic class trips to an apple cider mill. (All I learned from those trips was that some people wear black rubber aprons in public.) -> [...] -> -> The measure is sure to rile fans of the Fluffernutter, the -> Fluff-and-peanut butter sandwich that has long been a sticky -> favorite of New England children including Barrios's son, -> Nathaniel, a third-grader at King Open School in Cambridge. -> Even some nutritionists say it makes little sense to single out -> Marshmallow Fluff, which was concocted by a Massachusetts man -> before World War I and is still made by a family-owned business -> in Lynn. -> -> ``I've been eating Fluff nearly my entire life" said Don Durkee, -> the 80-year-old president of Durkee-Mower Inc., whose head exploded and The Fluff came out and started chasing Michael Moriarty around and also Garrett Morris had a cameo. -> father started the company with a business partner in 1920, -> after having bought the recipe for $500. CORN SYRUP VANILLIN WHIP IT (WHIP IT GOOD) Now everyone on the Internet owes me $500. -> [...] -> -> ``I'm at home and my son wants to make a Fluffernutter -> sandwich," Barrios recalled. There oughta be a law against your kids asking you for stuff 'cause saying "no" is harrrrrrd! -> ``It turns out the Cambridge schools offer this as a nutritious -> lunch alternative to the meal of the day." Noting that Fluff -> is 50 percent sugar, he added, ``I'm not sure we should be even -> calling it a food." Has he seen the other stuff schools serve? Most of it isn't even 50% _anything_. -> [...] -> -> The bill in the Massachusetts Senate would prohibit most candy -> bars and potato chips, as well as soft drinks, from vending -> machines in elementary schools. Barrios felt that as long as -> they were removing junk food from vending machines, lawmakers -> should also restrict Fluff -- a concoction of corn syrup, sugar, -> dried egg white, and vanilla flavoring -- from the lunchroom. "Happy birthday, kid. Here's your birthday bran muffin. With NO FROSTING. Stop crying and eat it!" -> [...] -> -> Health advocates question the targeting of marshmallow spreads. -> -> ``It seems a little odd to add this amendment," said Alicia -> Moag-Stahlberg, executive director of Action for Healthy Kids , -> a nonprofit organization in Skokie, Ill., that promotes good -> nutrition and physical activity in schools. ``There is no need -> to call out specific foods, like Fluff, as the school lunch -> program of Massachusetts already meets strong nutrition -> standards. As part of the school meal program, maybe Fluff is -> just fine. Maybe kids are having it instead of jelly." Sure, jelly's just as sugary as Fluff, but let's face it, the most deadly thing schools serve is ice cream -- it's loaded with both sugar and saturated fat -- and the kids get the option of buying as many ice cream treats as they want since they're sold separately from the meal. Of course, schools normally serve ice cream that's been rendered less unhealthy by having most of the milkfat replaced with industrial chemicals, but still, I'm sure the kids get more sugar per year from ice cream than from the occasional Fluff shmear. -> Generations of New England children have grown up eating Fluff, -> which H. Allen Durkee and Fred L. Mower originally called Toot -> Sweet Marshmallow Fluff when they went into business in 1920. -> They had bought the recipe from Archibald Query, who changed his last name after discovering several hundred new elements undetectable to science. -> made the marshmallow cream in the kitchen of his Somerville home -> and sold it door to door, before going out of business because -> of wartime supply shortages. That's what we need to make kids healthy! Another war! Because war is healthy for children and other living things! -> It wasn't until about 1960 that an advertising agency coined the -> Fluffernutter name for the peanut butter and Fluff sandwich. As a kid, I preferred sandwiches containing only butter and potato chips. And now that I think about it, those were pretty damn good, not to mention so loaded with sat-fat that it's easy to understand why there were so yummy. As a grown-up, I have come to realize that the only thing wrong with those was that they didn't have a layer of bacon. -> [...] -> -> King students couldn't agree more. ``A lot of my friends eat -> Fluffernutter because they don't like school lunch," said -> 12-year-old Simone Rivard , a sixth-grader. She isn't a big fan -> of the marshmallow spread herself, but doesn't think it should -> be restricted either. ``There shouldn't be laws saying what you -> can and can't eat," she said. She then bit into a human leg and smiled. DID I JUST GO TO FAR? Mail your cards and letters to: Kibo's Gone Too Far 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 Main Street South Slightly Past Pluto Deep Space 99999-9999 ...and you will receive a jar of Fluff with a free T-shirt inside it, from my "fashions should be permanently glued to people" line. -- K. I think everybody should have everything glued to them all the time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cambridge public schools in the news Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 21:26:42 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> ``I'm at home and my son wants to make a Fluffernutter > > -> sandwich," Barrios recalled. > > NOT LISTENING NOT LOOKING LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR THE INTERNET I don't need to ask you what your favorite episode of "Lexx" is. I miss "Lexx". > > -> should also restrict Fluff -- a concoction of corn syrup, sugar, > > -> dried egg white, and vanilla flavoring -- from the lunchroom. > > ...so this is basically whipped liquefied Peeps? > > EW It's basically the corn-syrup glaze that Krispy Kreme dips everything in, except whipped. Peeps are at least formulated to remain solid (and eventually dry out into Styropeeps) but if you leave Fluff sitting around, the air bubbles will very slowly rise out of it (it's incredibly viscous but still fluid) and eventually you'll have a tub with nothing but a little clear corn syrup in it. The company says, "Fluff's useful age varies from six months to one year," at which time it will turn to snot. They now also make strawberry Fluff (it's pink) and raspberry Fluff (it's pink) in addition to regular fake vanilla Fluff (it's white), and I don't know why the raspberry one isn't blue the way God intended. They don't make a chocolate flavor (they claim it's a chemical impossibility because of the butterfat), but there is a fake chocolate flavor of Cool Whip. I'm not sure what Cool Whip turns into if you leave it around, as every time I try that experiment some clown puts his face in the way. Go watch the movie "The Stuff" and you'll learn all you need to know about Fluff. My favorite part is Clara Peller's cameo. You'll never guess what she says! Hint: The first word is "WHERE'S" and the second word is "THE". One of the best things about Fluff is that they've kept the neat '50s hand-lettering on the tubs. The blocky joined script is such a retro thing. And for the new flavors, they even had someone render the raspberries in the appropriate hand-painted style. The hand-painted art for the Fluffernutter sandwich is a little gross, though. (You can see it on http://www.marshmallowfluff.com .) The Web site also has a recipe book ("The Yummy Book") but unfortunately it only has desserts. They're just not trying -- even the makers of Jell-O and Dr Pepper saw fit to tell people their products should be used in meat dishes. The horrifying part of the Web site is, of course, the kids' pages, where there are four pictures you can -- and should -- color: 1. Two boys wearing jars of Fluff and peanut butter putting the squeeze on a girl who's naked except for two slices of bread. The one on the right is about to beat her with a giant spoon. 2. Kids in tattered clothes sliding their butts along a trail of marshmallow goo that comes out of a flying jar of Fluff. 3. Fake Snap, fake Crackle, and fake Pop using their home chemistry set to bake up some meth, and then the Flufferspeed is cut into squares and smuggled out of the area disguised as birthday presents. 4. TOO SICKENING TO DESCRIBE, because it shows two naked children immersed in a bathtub full of Fluff which they are also eating while they sit in it. It's like if Anne Geddes tried making a German "kaviar" video. In all four pictures, the kids have pointy ears and elf shoes, because no human could love Fluff as much as these kids do. It gets worse. There's also a photo gallery showing what people do with Fluff. There's a photo of a cocker spaniel wearing an apron, stirring up a recipe from "The Ranger Xmas Cook Book 1948", and these ingredients are spread out around the bowl: A jar of Fluff... a can of Ken-L Ration dog food... and a can of Diamond Crystal "sugar". DO NOT EAT ANYTHING YOUR DOG COOKS. NO MATTER HOW AMPED UP ON METH SHE IS, IT STILL WON'T KEEP HER FROM THINKING DOG FOOD IS A DELICIOUS DESSERT TOPPING TO FEED YOU. -- K. But look at it this way. Fluff is kosher, so you can put it on Fishlets brand gefilte fish if you're in the mood for a Flufferfishlet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: ice cream flavors... Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 20:39:53 -0400 So, now that I've got my ice cream machine, what flavors should I attempt first? Starting with vanilla and chocolate might be a good idea to get a sense of whether I have the right proportions for the dairy products, but... I want to do banana-black-pepper and yellow-curry-with-coconut-cream. Whaddaya think, should I start with the weird flavors or should I start with the boring flavors nobody likes, such as chocolate? -- K. I don't have a blender, but I'm sure I could get the bananas mashed up by just buying them at Stop & Shop. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ice cream flavors... Date: Thu, 22 Jun 2006 17:00:29 -0400 [concerning "junk DNA"] twillis (thetwillis@yahoo.com) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > And yeah, there's stuff in there they didn't figure out until recently, > > and stuff that they've just now figured out and haven't published yet > > [...] > > It's actual being used as a sort of blog. Basically, we're each a > walking, talking live journal for other dimensional entities. > > The bad news is that you are actually a bunch of lame music reviews > written by a pretentious adolescent. Could be worse, though. Kibo is a > collection of family recipes by some sappy old lady. Yeah, well, your DNA is emo. Your DNA inlines smileys from one of those sites that provides premium animated smileys. Your DNA wears a ton of makeup to try to make itself look grown-up instead of younger. Your DNA combs its hair over one of its eyes and posts photos of itself taken from a camera held in one outstretched arm raised high so that the photo is 90% the giant bang that covers the eys. Also it dyes its hair black with that black Gatorade they used to make because there's no such thing as black Kool-Aid thank you Sugar Jesus. You just reminded me that I need to fix the program I wrote that sucks down a specified number of the most recent images posted to any LiveJournal site (they publish an XML listing of all recent changes, but they change the format of the data or the names of the URLs every few months.) There, I just went and fixed it. Now my "SEE WHAT PERCENTAGE OF LIVEJOURNAL USERS ARE EMO KIDS" button works again. I just ran it and it found a bunch of people who look dopey and also a great photo of a replica '60s Batmobile after a major car accident and I hope Robin was killed again. -- K. My DNA just bought me a Malaysian fireman's uniform. I love how I'm an "XL" (or sometimes even "2XL") when shopping for Asian clothes even though I'm just an "M" here on planet Anglo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ice cream flavors... Date: Fri, 23 Jun 2006 19:38:15 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You just reminded me that I need to fix the program I wrote that > > sucks down a specified number of the most recent images posted > > to any LiveJournal site (they publish an XML listing of all > > recent changes, but they change the format of the data or the > > names of the URLs every few months.) There, I just went and fixed > > it. Now my "SEE WHAT PERCENTAGE OF LIVEJOURNAL USERS ARE EMO KIDS" > > button works again. I just ran it and it found a bunch of people > > w ho look dopey and also a great photo of a replica '60s Batmobile > > after a major car accident and I hope Robin was killed again. > > Anyone can write the webpage that just displays the last 40 pictures. Well, duh. All's you gotta do is parse this: http://www.livejournal.com/stats/latest-img.bml > Kibo _analyzes_ them, and mocks them at the same time! Okay, here's the most recent 40. Let's see if we can find any self-portraits of emo/goth kids who don't have someone else to hold the camera for them, and can't set the camera down because they don't know how to work the ten-second timer. This may not be the best time of year to do it, what with school being out, but let's try for hair-over-the-eye self-portraits. But we'll probably at least find some terrible webcomics, exuberant drawings of furries with black rectangles where it counts, and pictures of garage bands with insane Russian captions burned into them. THE 40 NEWEST LIVEJOURNAL IMAGES BEGIN NOW! 1. broken image (PNG file saved without the proper filename extension -- and it turns out to be -- DING DING DING! Emo boy with hair over his eyes and red slashes through the picture!) 2. broken image (someone attempted to do to link to a news article) 3. old, faded photo of topless women playing rock'n'roll while wearing Lucille Ball's eye makeup and giant Dynel wigs 4. picture of a phoenix captioned "aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YOU GUYS PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH I HAD TO ARISE FROM THE FLAMES TO BLOG ABOUT IT" in Adobe Minion 5. A weepy greeting-card-type image made from photos of Harry Potter and some gal, captioned "Lost Without You" 6. small, blurry, washed-out, grainy frame-grab from some anime show that was converted to a GIF too many times, leaving the image only barely visible 7. 403 Forbidden! 8. the word "You", which is the marker indicating someone's position on one of those OH-SO-IMPORTANT "what political leanings do you have?" tests that people feel they need to post their results to 9. misaligned composite of two photos of a gloomy, blurry laundry room 10. The standard little "userinfo.gif" icon that's used 390 times per LiveJournal page -- for some reason these sometimes show up on the list of new pictures. 11. DING DING DING! Gal's self-portrait, out of focus, multicolored hair, and way too proud of the fact that she's wearing makeup 12. hot air balloon either inflating or deflating, unless it's meant to be that shape 13. guy sticking his tongue out in a photo that will render him permanently outside the dating pool. Bonus points: Around his neck, he's got a dangly little inverted cross. 14. automatically-generated collage of random words in different fonts, with a big gray "SAMPLE" across the front of it because you haven't yet paid for your own copy of this awesome automatically-generated rectangle of garbage 15. Typically poorly-doodles webcomic with stick figure explaining (in crooked lettering) that people with their own Wikipedia entries have bad bathroom hygiene 16. screendump from someone's MMORPG session ("Succubus readies Blade: Ku.") 17. Timothy Leary's creepiest smile ever 18. dolphins 19. a really bad drawing of a strawberry, or possibly an octopus having sex with a bicycle seat covered in staples 20. DING DING DING! Self-portrait of someone's eye, all blurry and with a datestamp burned into the corner in red fake LED digits 21. a tarot card, whoop-de-freakin'-doo 22. two little princesses 23. an even worse-than-average webcomic, involving two talking stick figures, and one of the words of dialogue was crossed out then written again because they figured out how to spell it halfway through writing it (in other words, there's no "G" in "BACKPACK") 24. poster: "FOR EVERY ANIMAL YOU DON'T EAT, I'M GOING TO EAT THREE" in Arial Bold (with straight single quotes for apostrophes) 25. poster for the movie "X-Men III" 26. very white men holding golf clubs in front of the world's whitest building 27. hipsters smoking while looking at a cool trompe l'oeil ceiling designed to look like you're looking at a funeral from below 28. "COME CHECK US OUT IF YOU'RE A BISEXUAL FEMALE" in some cheapo comic-book-style font 29. a banner made from a publicity photo for the movie "The Lost Boys" about teenage vampires, and I don't even have to click on it to know that there's going to be icky slash-fic past it 30. antique photo of an old-timey guy in an ill-fitting derby holding some sort of weird little mutant asymmetrical guitar (technically known as a "harp mandolin", an ancestor of Spock's wacky Vulcan lyre) 31. small photo of a drag queen 32. very nice black and white photo of a monument to something, somewhere 33. old black and white photo of a guy in a trenchcoat walking away from the camera 34. Woman smiling uncomfortably as somebody photographs her crow's feet 35. " welcome to the Bicycle museuM of AmericA " in Goudy Oldstyle 36. Blank diploma YOU can buy! 37. DING DING DING! Woman's self-portrait with hair over one eye and camera held above one temple. Bonus points: She included her boyfriend in the background. 38. someone's birthday party 39. guy driving a racecar, or possibly sitting in it, because still photos of racecars always look like they're holding still 40. "Penny Arcade" webcomic strip, and not one of their best ones, but still a million times better than 99.99% of other webcomics But wait! These things flood in so fast that while you were reading this word --> nougat <-- 40 new images arrived! The newest 40: 1. very disturbing drawing of a baby getting a banana jammed through his forehead. Well-executed and also a cry for help. 2. invisible image 3. "Help Veronica Mars Get a Full 3rd Season" banner (Arial Bold) 4. banner for "brisbane's finest gig guide" in some font that apparently doesn't have capitals 5. Photo captioned "I'm usually a music elitist... But I LOVE Teddy Geiger... [...] I really think we could be friends, just based on the things I've read about him..." in Arial Bold 6. scary old guy shaking his fists while hugging a flag 7. someone attempting to hold up a two-page sign saying "THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF OUR LIVES" in crazy-person lettering, with their hand almost completely obscuring one of the nouns 8. two women, I dunno, "You must be logged in to view this protected entry." Ha ha, images from protected entries show up on the list of recent images so we can see them and not quite no what they are. I think they might be lesbians. 9. glass-bead necklace wrapped around chopsticks 10. blurry extreme close-up of a dashboard thermometer saying "104 F" 11. a tote bag 12. full-resolution photo of cars driving on a road 13. hairy dog 14. drawing of four people who do not appear to have their joints in the same places as humans, captioned "Brothers doesn't have to mean blood." in Times New Roman, and one of the four is wearing a shirt that says "Say NO TO Pants" in mixed-case, and also, he looks a lot like me. 15. picture of an anime chick covering the area from her chin to where her cleavage would be if she weren't just a cartoon 16. it's very tiny, but I can tell that Guy With Glasses is even happier than Guy Without Glasses! And I think they're in a band! They'd pretty much have to be! 17. painting of a psychedelic spiral 18. two kids from the "Narnia" movie, or something, I dunno, I didn't see it. 19. screendump from someone's MMORPG session 20. arrow pointing to Fairbanks, Alaska 21. photo of a trash can with a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" banner in it, made more poignant by the 45-degree slant to the camera. Poor Batman! 22. random street scene 23. family reunion on the veranda 24. a banner reminding us that actor Jon Heder isn't really dead 25. drawing of a goth girl executed entirely in curlicues 26. photo of a painting of a smiling family and their pumpkins 27. Web comic with cut-and-pasted digital stick figures speaking in the Verdana font while pooping 28. that photo we're all sick of of the jet allegedly breaking the sound barrier 29. nice ink drawing with bilingual English/Russian caption: "KILL DEBIL: HARRY POTTER-4 BY TARANTINO" 30. broken image (from "http://70.84.102.91/x/blogquiz.net-blog/3") 31. a starburst 32. thumbnail of some collage of "Star Wars" characters with fireworks coming out of their heads. To see what it was I read that journal entry. The highlights: "What is going on with LJ? [...] I actually watched TV last night!" 33. a wacky cartoon about the life of a "bacterium", which is actually drawn as an amoeba. Bonus points: Mixing black and blue ballpoint in the same panel. 34. "My braces will distract you from noticing that my two eyes are different sizes! I'm going to grow up to be Paloma Picasso!" Bonus points: "Invader Zim" t-shirt. 35. pet rat 36. blurry picture of somebody's foot as they climb through a window 37. a hilarious joke screendump of what happens when you type "telnet Mordor"! Except without the "hilarious" part. 38. Iraqi corpse. Some sort of copyright notice burned into the picture, and it's unreadable, but I can tell it's Copperplate Gothic. 39. people at a beach being blasted by the unbearable lightness of overexposure coupled with the fact that their skin appears to be boiling away because it was saved as a JPEG with well above the maximum allowable level of lossy compression 40. WOW I ASSEMBLED A WHOLE JIGSAW PUZZLE SO I PHOTOGRAPHED IT! LOOK, I KNOW HOW TO DO JIGSAW PUZZLES! THEM'S THE BRAINIEST PUZZLES SINCE THAT ONES WITH THE DOTS WHAT HAD NUMBERS! Also, the puzzle's a drawing of anime characters. Okay, I did eighty. Do I need to do 20 more to make it an even hundred, or have you had enough LiveJournal in your lives for one day? -- K. LiveJournal makes a.r.k look like a pathetic e/n festival of -- wait, I got that backwards. We're on the good one, right? I think the fact that a.r.k doesn't support pictures is what keeps out the riffraff. That, and the fact that only the cool people have avatars, and mine's in extra bold. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ice cream flavors... Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2006 18:19:09 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > [...] > > That's my earliest memory! Eating homemade peach ice cream from a > square, green Melmac dish. I heard they discovered that peach juice contains a chemical which reacts with certain types of dinnerware to produce to a toxin which causes Adult-Onset Bedwetting. Fortunately, "certain types of dinnerware" have recently been determined to only be those which are square and green. Had you been eating out of a round green Melmac dish you wouldn't start wetting the bed a few days from now. It's like how if you put lemon tea in a Styrofoam cup, the plastic dissolves directly into your stomach and you wake up with a plastic- lined digestive system where everything you eat bounces right through it like a Ping-Pong ball and comes shooting out the other end at supersonic velocity. Peach plus square plus green does something to the human bladder. Something beyond science. Something not even the Bible can explain. This is why, when I get around to making peach ice cream, I will be careful to eat it out of an old collectible "Potsie" Dr Pepper glass sold by Pizza Hut in 1977. It's just the sensible thing to do, especially if you for some reason have a glass with a picture of Potsie on it. "Hi, I'm Potsie! You're drinking out of my face!" 1977 was just after he changed the spelling of his name from "Potsy" to "Potsie" because he got paid by the vowel and everyone knows that "y" is only sometimes a vowel, as explained in the 1976 episode "Fonzie Buys A Vowel", where he teaches all the other kids that phonics are cool and people who don't use proper diction are nerds and then they all perform Gilbert & Sullivan's "Pirates Of Penzance". So, anyway, sorry to hear your dish was square. -- K. What exactly was the difference between "melmac" and "melamine", other than jokes on that stupid show about the unfunny puppet? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ice cream flavors... Date: Thu, 22 Jun 2006 02:24:47 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Peach plus square plus green does something to the human bladder. > > Something beyond science. Something not even the Bible can explain. > > Eh. It's just a cheat code, is all. Involves that stuff they think is "junk" > DNA - it's actually hidden scenes and easter eggs. I heard that if you touch someone's belly button three times then write the word "SECRETMONEY" on their left shoulder they will give you $65,536 but only if you first set your biological clock to January 1, 1980. It must be true because I read it in a pop-up window and then again in a pop-up book. I heard that woodpeckers are really worms with legs. I heard that if you turn your TV halfway between "on" and "off" you can get channel 1, channel 1 and a half, channel 1 and three quarters, and channel 1 point nine nine nine nine nine, and none of them have any commercials because they don't really exist so you can watch "Knight Rider" uninterrupted. I heard that if you stretch a rubber band too far it will break but then if you stretch it a lot farther it'll unbreak but you have to stretch it several million miles long first and NASA tried to do the experiment but the astronauts lost the rubber band because the pockets on their space suits were too big. I heard that the Mattel See & Say isn't as smart as it thinks it is. I heard that if you eat too many TV dinners you forget how to do the dishes and then you have to eat TV dinners for the rest of your life but it saves you so much money that you can afford to eat TV dinners every day for a hundred thousand years or until you die of malnutrition whichever comes first. I heard that if you twist your DNA really tight you can hear it crying. -- K. I heard that Fonzie is really two midgets dressed up in an old guy's skin. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Tombstones Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 21:40:11 -0400 Today I said the following sentence, which, out of all the things I've ever said, is the _only_ one that shouldn't be on my tombstone: It's like if Anne Geddes tried making a German "kaviar" video. So what things have you people said that you don't want on your tombstones? Please post your answers by Wednesday because that's when the big tidal wave will make all the continents fall off the Earth. Thank you. -- K. Also my tombstone should have one of those TV screens in it, and that screen should be the only place where anyone can see new episodes of "Star Trek". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: To the punishment mobile! (and not the fun kind!) Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2006 00:06:47 -0400 [on China's happy new deathmobile] TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > -> THREE SECTIONS > -> > -> Execution chamber: in the back, with blacked-out windows; > -> seats beside the stretcher for a court doctor and guards; > -> sterilizer for injection equipment; wash basin > -> > -> Observation area: in the middle, with a glass window separating > -> it from execution area; can accommodate six people; > -> official-in-charge oversees the execution through monitors > -> connected to the prisoner and gives instruction via walkie-talkie > -> > -> Driver area > > Why do you need to sterilize the equipment used in the administration > of a lethal injection? 'Cause this is China and everything in China is kept neat and clean and sterile at all times. The streets in Beijing are kept clean by all those people spitting on 'em. It would be more efficient to just switch from having to sterilize the equipment to using disposable equipment, like acupuncturists and chopstick owners did. I think that the only things in China that ever get reused are machines that kill people, and movie titles. It's also odd that they have to give "instruction via walkie-talkie" from opposite sides of a window. Couldn't they afford a baby monitor, or at least just yell? (Are there Chinese people who _don't_ yell when they tell people what to do?) I wish Japan had deathmobiles. Those would be so cool. They'd probably be some sort of holographic motorcycle that could teleport through time to kill you before your parents were born and then on appeal if your ghost proved you'd been wrongly convicted it would go back in time again and make you a ninja forever. Also, the three compartments would be the execution chamber, the observation area, and the Hello Kitty store. -- K. In the near future, a lethal injection machine will fit in a briefcase so the executioner can just ride the subway. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: THIS IS THE OPINION PAGE YOU ARE READING Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2006 00:11:19 -0400 DEAR RATBURGER WHY DO YOU TASTE GOOD IF YOU'RE MADE FROM RATS CAN I HAVE A COOKIE AFTERWARDS I WILL APOLOGIZE TO THE RATS IF YOU GIVE ME THE COOKIE EARLY SINCERELY, ME P.S. PLEASE WITHHOLD MY NAME WHEN YOU PUBLISH THIS -- K. I dunno, it just came to me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: God is pure Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2006 00:41:52 -0400 In sci.physics, kurtstocklmeir@earthlink.net wrote: > > I guess > > My theories are cursed. > > girls and boys who are good know - if girls and boys do not get better > physics theories they are doomed - my theories are cursed - good > physics theories of the future would depend on my cursed theories and > because of that girls and boys can not use good physics theories of the > future and not be doomed - girls and boys are doomed > > curses are spreading > > Kurt Stocklmeir Dear Kurt, Your theories are not cursed. They are just fine. There, science is finished now. Because all science has been used up, you should now go into a new line of work, like interpretive dance. I suggest running to the nearest subway train to practice your "jazz hands" whenever the train's between stations. Also, did you ever think about the bees? Too late. They're gone. -- K. C'mon, let's see those jazz hands! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: help me please Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2006 08:00:29 -0400 "patate069" (dumontgail@hotmail.com) wrote: > > HI ! > > look my pets please ! > > > http://www.animals-superstars.com/photo-109260.html > > > tank you tank you tank you tank you tank you > > > patate069 Dear Potato-Based Andy Kaufman Substitute, I'm sorry, but looking at that font above your ruptured duck gave me brain damage. The brain damage was so intense that I actually clicked around the site to find an English version of the rules of the "game": [www.animals-superstars.com] -> -> Welcome to zooreka. The goal is very simple, choose and -> adopt an animal that you must turn into a superstar by -> making as many people as possible see it. -> Each time someone sees your animal you earn a point, -> the more points you have, the more well known you are, simple! Hey, I've invented a new game you may enjoy playing almost as much as that. It's called "Get Punched By As Many People As Possible By Spamming Them For No Reason And Also We Have No Business Model But We Can Get Third Parties To Spam Fourth Parties Anyway Because People Are So Fucking Stupid That They're Gonna Get Punched." Does that answer your question? Tank you very stupid. -- K. Maybe you'd also enjoy joining Kibo's Do What I Say Club, the first-ever club for gullible twits? (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH MENSA, WHICH IS FOR GULLIBLE TWITS WHO LIKE SPENDING MONEY.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: help me please Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2006 18:21:26 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Maybe you'd also enjoy joining Kibo's Do What I Say Club, > > the first-ever club for gullible twits? > > I'm confused now. Did Kibo say to join Kibo's Do What I Say club, > or didn't he? It depends. Are you standing in a Boomerang Zone, or just some spilled soda? -- K. I told Mike O to spill it there. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Cruel Shoes News! Cruel Shoes News! Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2006 20:18:09 -0400 Cruel shoes in the news. [mdn.mainichi-msn.co.jp] -> -> Man arrested for kicking woman with nails sticking out of shoes Has anyone else noticed that Japanese fetishists are slowly evolving into Klingons? Given that Japanese weirdos already eat live squids and wear shoes with spikes on the front and like prune juice, I wouldn't be surprised if people in Japan start ranting "SWIMMING is too much like BATHING!" Come to think of it, Klingons are basically samurai in blackface. So do Japanese people have fluorescent pink blood like Klingons? Does this mean that in Japan, Pepto-Bismol is dark red? -> A 31-year-old man who kicked a woman using shoes with nails -> sticking out of them was arrested Monday, police said. -> -> Seitaro Kasai, 31, was arrested on suspicion of inflicting -> injuries on the victim. He has reportedly admitted to the -> allegations. -> -> "I wanted to injure the legs of a woman with a good figure," -> police quoted Kasai as saying. One would think he could have injured her legs by kicking her with normal shoes. There wouldn't have been anything illegal about that! I guess he needed to cause a very specific type of injury as part of his master plan for world domination which involved violent overthrow of the government through tetanus. -> Investigators said Kasai kicked the left and right calf muscles -> of a 28-year-old woman in front of JR Shibuya Station in Tokyo -> at about 6:55 p.m. on Saturday, injuring her with nails that -> were embedded in the toes of his shoes. I have weird things going on with my boots this week, but you don't hear me complainin'. See, the heels on my boots have turned out to not be solid rubber, but have a hollow space inside. After wearing these boots for a couple years, the back of the heel has worn down enough that a tiny little portal into the hollow world of the heel has been opened up just enough so that when I walk on gravel, pebbles pop their way into my heels, and then don't come out again. So today because my left boot was making loud noises when I walked I had to stick a key into the tiny hole in the heel and dig out this lima-bean-sized pebble that had gotten in there through the teeny, tiny hole. I think soon I'll just switch to my backup boots, 'cause this isn't a problem that can be solved by kicking people. -> Police said Kasai trailed the woman for about five minutes, -> kicking her. He was apprehended after the woman dragged him into -> a nearby police box. ...where he was strangled with a seventeen-foot-long scarf and force-fed jelly babies and a robot dog shot him with the ray gun in its nose that superimposes a big red triangle with shimmering edges on the picture. -> Investigators said five nails had been pushed into Kasai's -> shoes, and each of them was sticking out 1 or 2 millimeters. -> Police seized two similar pairs of shoes from Kasai's home, -> along with about 100 nails. They suspect he was responsible -> for several similar attacks in the past. Never mind that. Was he wearing a black motorcycle racing suit with a big glowing "1" on the back? And did they test the puddle of jizz for the presence of Takashi Miike's DNA? -- K. Heaven help us if Japanese people discover hockey skates. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: sadly honest typeface Date: Wed, 21 Jun 2006 16:12:04 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > The "i" was too slfnordm for me to see on the distant TV screen, > so I read the motto displayed at the end of the commercial as: > > MERCK > Where patents come first. > > It didn't even hit me until halfway down the stairs that this might > be a little TOO truthful. The commercial pushed you down the stairs? I know drugs are dangerous, but when they start reaching out of your TV screen and shoving you around, that's just going too far. Only Ronald McDonald should be able to do that, and that's just because he's a clown, not because he's a food clown. Clowns have scary powers which can only be enabled by television. This is why the TV industry is trying to get everyone to switch to HDTV, because HDTV has special clown-disabling circuitry that will just let you look at clowns without them touching you. -- K. Then, Bozo will be allowed to return. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Actually make money in your underwear Date: Wed, 21 Jun 2006 17:24:24 -0400 In alt.religion.kibology, registeraccnt@gmail.com spammed: > > Subject: Actually make money in your underwear Um, that's not money, and you really should try Kaopectate. > [...] > > It really works. This is not a scam, trust me. This is for real!! I'm sorry, but the United Nations recently declared that the official flag for "THIS IS A SCAM" is "THIS IS NOT A SCAM". And if they said it, it must be true. Trust me, this is for real!! -- K. Don't most businesspeople wear underwear? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Things I heard while I was waiting in line for the special doctor. Date: Thu, 22 Jun 2006 03:03:29 -0400 I heard that the only reason some people don't like rice is that they don't know it's the only antidote for noodles. I heard that the reason hotels don't have waterbeds is that it takes too long to fill them up with those little ice buckets. I heard that the reason they picked red, green, and blue to be the three colors of dots on your TV is because yellow dots are patented by a guy who paid for the patent with a post-dated check so the yellow dots can't be used until 2074. I heard that the reason dogs walk so gingerly on pavement is that it hurts their feet because people always forget to put horseshoes on their dogs. I heard that if you pump air into an overripe melon you can fly around the world in your smelly melon balloon until the bees pop it. I heard that Nostradamus died on purpose. I heard that if you put too much toilet paper up your butt the Army will take away any medals you earned for toilet hygiene. I heard that the only reason eBay stays in business is that it's really a front for the Stupid Mafia who dominate the world trade in used hand-made ashtrays and other forms of imported stupid goods. I heard that the letter "a" only became a vowel after they passed a law banning the alphabet's original first letter, which was an obscene vowel. I heard that if you rub a cat's fur backwards in the dark you can tell whether or not the cat likes butter and how much the cat hates you. I heard that they make blank CDs round instead of square because when people used to record music with bonus tracks in the corners people couldn't find the bonus tracks without cutting themselves. I heard that at all Mexican restaurants, Doritos are the only thing on the menu except sometimes for gum. I heard that if you mix cyanide and chlorine gas you get regular dirt. I heard that urine is sterile but you can still get pregnant from it if you try really hard. I heard that Benny Hill once tried to make a movie about a serial killer but they didn't release it because it was too funny. I heard that if you do pushups on a shag rug they don't count. I heard that the front of a penny is really the back and vice versa because Ben Franklin was playing a practical joke and that's the only reason they ever made brown coins. I heard that Europe is named after Johnny Europe, who was the first man to discover the Earth because nobody had thought of calling dibs on that yet, not even Columbus, who was busy trying to find a way to re-inflate his hat. I heard that if you lick a steel pole on cold day they throw you out of the strip club no matter how tight you got frozen to it. I heard that blue jeans are really red. I heard that they call farting cutting the cheese because in France they still slice cheese by farting on it because their ecology laws say they can't waste farts. I heard that "Napoleon Dynamite" is really overrated. I heard that if you hold still too long you sink into the ground and the only way to get out is if you're one of those people who can flap their arms to fly through solid rock. I heard that no matter how hard you pop a zit you still can't get more than an Olympic silver medal for it. I heard that the best way to become immortal is to have your whole body replaced with permanent markers. I heard that if you put oatmeal between your toes it might cure all sorts of things because scientists never tried it that they'll admit to, I heard that goldfish don't know they're goldfish. I heard that you have to be really smart to be able to bend a potato chip without breaking it or using pliers. I hear that the word "opposite" has no opposite because the page across from it in the dictionary is blank. I heard that if you put all the spaghetti in the world end-to-end it would be longer than if you put all the spaghetti in the world side-to-side but nobody's proved it because the government won't let spaghetti go around the world three times without a triple passport and they don't give those to just pasta. I heard that cardboard is made from ground-up elves. I heard that if you shine a laser pointer on a cop's uniform it will protect you from getting shot by all the other cops because they will automatically shoot at the red dot. I heard that the number 4 is bigger than the number 5 but only when nobody's counting. I heard that if you let milk sit out in the sun for a long enough time it turns back into a cow or at least smells like it did. I heard that the size of the biggest hamburger you can fit in your mouth corresponds to your IQ except with the digits randomly changed. I heard that if you grow a really good bathtub ring you can peel it off and wear it like a scarf. I heard that Jesus was really just a greeting card and in the olden days they weren't smart enough to tell that greeting cards weren't real which is why so many Hallmark stores are going out of business now that it's the future. -- K. I heard I'm a genius. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Skin-care formulations. Date: Fri, 23 Jun 2006 20:51:18 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I noticed the other day that a lot of the fancy emollients now brag > about containing urea. One of them even said "CONTAINS 10% UREA" in > bold letters on the front. > > Are we reviving medieval recipes now? Will pharmacies start selling > hot mustard plaster kits? No, we're living in the age of super-science for superior products. Human urine is less than 10% urea. So this stuff is more urine-like than ordinary urine! Also, rubber vomit is now more realistic than real vomit, especially if you live in a neighborhood where people eat bits of kitchen sponges. I note that on the old "Star Trek" they were always eating plates of cut-up orange and green kitchen sponges (in "Journey To Babel" they even float them in wineglasses) so this means that by the 23rd century, all meals will be indistinguishable from rubber vomit. This is why Picard stopped wearing his toupee, because space toupees are also the same as rubber vomit. Hence, William Shatner. By then, ordinary emollients will be 500% urea. You'll need emollient that strong to keep your barfhair from chafing as you run up and down Vazquez Rock in pursuit of some space hooker. It's the seedy side of "Star Trek" that nobody ever sees. And if you disagree with me that "Star Trek" was all about rubber vomit, how do you explain "Operation: Annihilate!"? -- K. Know why those "Next Generation" uniforms looked like they had those huge padded shoulders? Because they were full of rubber vomit. And, in the case of the yellow shirts, urea.