From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ice cream flavors... Date: Fri, 23 Jun 2006 19:38:15 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You just reminded me that I need to fix the program I wrote that > > sucks down a specified number of the most recent images posted > > to any LiveJournal site (they publish an XML listing of all > > recent changes, but they change the format of the data or the > > names of the URLs every few months.) There, I just went and fixed > > it. Now my "SEE WHAT PERCENTAGE OF LIVEJOURNAL USERS ARE EMO KIDS" > > button works again. I just ran it and it found a bunch of people > > w ho look dopey and also a great photo of a replica '60s Batmobile > > after a major car accident and I hope Robin was killed again. > > Anyone can write the webpage that just displays the last 40 pictures. Well, duh. All's you gotta do is parse this: http://www.livejournal.com/stats/latest-img.bml > Kibo _analyzes_ them, and mocks them at the same time! Okay, here's the most recent 40. Let's see if we can find any self-portraits of emo/goth kids who don't have someone else to hold the camera for them, and can't set the camera down because they don't know how to work the ten-second timer. This may not be the best time of year to do it, what with school being out, but let's try for hair-over-the-eye self-portraits. But we'll probably at least find some terrible webcomics, exuberant drawings of furries with black rectangles where it counts, and pictures of garage bands with insane Russian captions burned into them. THE 40 NEWEST LIVEJOURNAL IMAGES BEGIN NOW! 1. broken image (PNG file saved without the proper filename extension -- and it turns out to be -- DING DING DING! Emo boy with hair over his eyes and red slashes through the picture!) 2. broken image (someone attempted to do to link to a news article) 3. old, faded photo of topless women playing rock'n'roll while wearing Lucille Ball's eye makeup and giant Dynel wigs 4. picture of a phoenix captioned "aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YOU GUYS PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH I HAD TO ARISE FROM THE FLAMES TO BLOG ABOUT IT" in Adobe Minion 5. A weepy greeting-card-type image made from photos of Harry Potter and some gal, captioned "Lost Without You" 6. small, blurry, washed-out, grainy frame-grab from some anime show that was converted to a GIF too many times, leaving the image only barely visible 7. 403 Forbidden! 8. the word "You", which is the marker indicating someone's position on one of those OH-SO-IMPORTANT "what political leanings do you have?" tests that people feel they need to post their results to 9. misaligned composite of two photos of a gloomy, blurry laundry room 10. The standard little "userinfo.gif" icon that's used 390 times per LiveJournal page -- for some reason these sometimes show up on the list of new pictures. 11. DING DING DING! Gal's self-portrait, out of focus, multicolored hair, and way too proud of the fact that she's wearing makeup 12. hot air balloon either inflating or deflating, unless it's meant to be that shape 13. guy sticking his tongue out in a photo that will render him permanently outside the dating pool. Bonus points: Around his neck, he's got a dangly little inverted cross. 14. automatically-generated collage of random words in different fonts, with a big gray "SAMPLE" across the front of it because you haven't yet paid for your own copy of this awesome automatically-generated rectangle of garbage 15. Typically poorly-doodles webcomic with stick figure explaining (in crooked lettering) that people with their own Wikipedia entries have bad bathroom hygiene 16. screendump from someone's MMORPG session ("Succubus readies Blade: Ku.") 17. Timothy Leary's creepiest smile ever 18. dolphins 19. a really bad drawing of a strawberry, or possibly an octopus having sex with a bicycle seat covered in staples 20. DING DING DING! Self-portrait of someone's eye, all blurry and with a datestamp burned into the corner in red fake LED digits 21. a tarot card, whoop-de-freakin'-doo 22. two little princesses 23. an even worse-than-average webcomic, involving two talking stick figures, and one of the words of dialogue was crossed out then written again because they figured out how to spell it halfway through writing it (in other words, there's no "G" in "BACKPACK") 24. poster: "FOR EVERY ANIMAL YOU DON'T EAT, I'M GOING TO EAT THREE" in Arial Bold (with straight single quotes for apostrophes) 25. poster for the movie "X-Men III" 26. very white men holding golf clubs in front of the world's whitest building 27. hipsters smoking while looking at a cool trompe l'oeil ceiling designed to look like you're looking at a funeral from below 28. "COME CHECK US OUT IF YOU'RE A BISEXUAL FEMALE" in some cheapo comic-book-style font 29. a banner made from a publicity photo for the movie "The Lost Boys" about teenage vampires, and I don't even have to click on it to know that there's going to be icky slash-fic past it 30. antique photo of an old-timey guy in an ill-fitting derby holding some sort of weird little mutant asymmetrical guitar (technically known as a "harp mandolin", an ancestor of Spock's wacky Vulcan lyre) 31. small photo of a drag queen 32. very nice black and white photo of a monument to something, somewhere 33. old black and white photo of a guy in a trenchcoat walking away from the camera 34. Woman smiling uncomfortably as somebody photographs her crow's feet 35. " welcome to the Bicycle museuM of AmericA " in Goudy Oldstyle 36. Blank diploma YOU can buy! 37. DING DING DING! Woman's self-portrait with hair over one eye and camera held above one temple. Bonus points: She included her boyfriend in the background. 38. someone's birthday party 39. guy driving a racecar, or possibly sitting in it, because still photos of racecars always look like they're holding still 40. "Penny Arcade" webcomic strip, and not one of their best ones, but still a million times better than 99.99% of other webcomics But wait! These things flood in so fast that while you were reading this word --> nougat <-- 40 new images arrived! The newest 40: 1. very disturbing drawing of a baby getting a banana jammed through his forehead. Well-executed and also a cry for help. 2. invisible image 3. "Help Veronica Mars Get a Full 3rd Season" banner (Arial Bold) 4. banner for "brisbane's finest gig guide" in some font that apparently doesn't have capitals 5. Photo captioned "I'm usually a music elitist... But I LOVE Teddy Geiger... [...] I really think we could be friends, just based on the things I've read about him..." in Arial Bold 6. scary old guy shaking his fists while hugging a flag 7. someone attempting to hold up a two-page sign saying "THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF OUR LIVES" in crazy-person lettering, with their hand almost completely obscuring one of the nouns 8. two women, I dunno, "You must be logged in to view this protected entry." Ha ha, images from protected entries show up on the list of recent images so we can see them and not quite no what they are. I think they might be lesbians. 9. glass-bead necklace wrapped around chopsticks 10. blurry extreme close-up of a dashboard thermometer saying "104 F" 11. a tote bag 12. full-resolution photo of cars driving on a road 13. hairy dog 14. drawing of four people who do not appear to have their joints in the same places as humans, captioned "Brothers doesn't have to mean blood." in Times New Roman, and one of the four is wearing a shirt that says "Say NO TO Pants" in mixed-case, and also, he looks a lot like me. 15. picture of an anime chick covering the area from her chin to where her cleavage would be if she weren't just a cartoon 16. it's very tiny, but I can tell that Guy With Glasses is even happier than Guy Without Glasses! And I think they're in a band! They'd pretty much have to be! 17. painting of a psychedelic spiral 18. two kids from the "Narnia" movie, or something, I dunno, I didn't see it. 19. screendump from someone's MMORPG session 20. arrow pointing to Fairbanks, Alaska 21. photo of a trash can with a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" banner in it, made more poignant by the 45-degree slant to the camera. Poor Batman! 22. random street scene 23. family reunion on the veranda 24. a banner reminding us that actor Jon Heder isn't really dead 25. drawing of a goth girl executed entirely in curlicues 26. photo of a painting of a smiling family and their pumpkins 27. Web comic with cut-and-pasted digital stick figures speaking in the Verdana font while pooping 28. that photo we're all sick of of the jet allegedly breaking the sound barrier 29. nice ink drawing with bilingual English/Russian caption: "KILL DEBIL: HARRY POTTER-4 BY TARANTINO" 30. broken image (from "http://70.84.102.91/x/blogquiz.net-blog/3") 31. a starburst 32. thumbnail of some collage of "Star Wars" characters with fireworks coming out of their heads. To see what it was I read that journal entry. The highlights: "What is going on with LJ? [...] I actually watched TV last night!" 33. a wacky cartoon about the life of a "bacterium", which is actually drawn as an amoeba. Bonus points: Mixing black and blue ballpoint in the same panel. 34. "My braces will distract you from noticing that my two eyes are different sizes! I'm going to grow up to be Paloma Picasso!" Bonus points: "Invader Zim" t-shirt. 35. pet rat 36. blurry picture of somebody's foot as they climb through a window 37. a hilarious joke screendump of what happens when you type "telnet Mordor"! Except without the "hilarious" part. 38. Iraqi corpse. Some sort of copyright notice burned into the picture, and it's unreadable, but I can tell it's Copperplate Gothic. 39. people at a beach being blasted by the unbearable lightness of overexposure coupled with the fact that their skin appears to be boiling away because it was saved as a JPEG with well above the maximum allowable level of lossy compression 40. WOW I ASSEMBLED A WHOLE JIGSAW PUZZLE SO I PHOTOGRAPHED IT! LOOK, I KNOW HOW TO DO JIGSAW PUZZLES! THEM'S THE BRAINIEST PUZZLES SINCE THAT ONES WITH THE DOTS WHAT HAD NUMBERS! Also, the puzzle's a drawing of anime characters. Okay, I did eighty. Do I need to do 20 more to make it an even hundred, or have you had enough LiveJournal in your lives for one day? -- K. LiveJournal makes a.r.k look like a pathetic e/n festival of -- wait, I got that backwards. We're on the good one, right? I think the fact that a.r.k doesn't support pictures is what keeps out the riffraff. That, and the fact that only the cool people have avatars, and mine's in extra bold. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Important corrections. Date: Fri, 23 Jun 2006 21:32:46 -0400 A day and almost two halves ago, I wrote: > > I heard that the only reason some people don't like rice is that > they don't know it's the only antidote for noodles. I really heard that after they make Spaghetti-Os all the little holes they punched out get made into people's zits. > I heard that the reason hotels don't have waterbeds is that it takes > too long to fill them up with those little ice buckets. I really heard that ice cubes are square because there's a law saying they have to be square so you can't take them to the bank to cash them in like regular diamonds and have the bank cry when the diamonds melt. > I heard that the reason they picked red, green, and blue to be the > three colors of dots on your TV is because yellow dots are patented > by a guy who paid for the patent with a post-dated check so the > yellow dots can't be used until 2074. I really heard that when you turn off your TV, the actors inside don't die. Unless you leave it off for so long that they starve. > I heard that the reason dogs walk so gingerly on pavement is that > it hurts their feet because people always forget to put horseshoes > on their dogs. I really heard that Nike is working on horseshoes for people but first they have to find a way to make people fat enough. This is why Nike owns McDonalds. You can tell because the swoosh is almost half of the golden arches. Also, arches that were actually golden would sag and droop because gold's not very strong which is why horses never wear gold horseshoes. > I heard that if you pump air into an overripe melon you can fly > around the world in your smelly melon balloon until the bees pop it. I really heard that the only reason bees are always angry is because someone cancelled "The Bugaloos". This is why you don't see Sid & Marty Krofft any more, because they're hiding in a bee-proof dome. > I heard that Nostradamus died on purpose. I really heard that Nostradamus only picked that name because it sounded like it would come with a really good football team. > I heard that if you put too much toilet paper up your butt the > Army will take away any medals you earned for toilet hygiene. I really heard that the Army is working on a new satellite-based septic system. > I heard that the only reason eBay stays in business is that it's > really a front for the Stupid Mafia who dominate the world trade > in used hand-made ashtrays and other forms of imported stupid goods. I really heard that the reason eBay capitalizes the wrong part of its name is because the first ashtray listed on eBay said "THiS is eBay'S fiRSt ashtraY" right on it so they had to keep the name spelled that way forever or lose their patent on selling used ashtrays. > I heard that the letter "a" only became a vowel after they passed > a law banning the alphabet's original first letter, which was an > obscene vowel. I really heard that "y" spent $50,000 on the operation to become a vowel. > I heard that if you rub a cat's fur backwards in the dark you can tell > whether or not the cat likes butter and how much the cat hates you. I really heard that all cats hate butter but they just pretend they like it because they think that's what you want them to do and all cats do everything with the goal of pleasing their owners because cats are really just dogs with different legs. > I heard that they make blank CDs round instead of square because > when people used to record music with bonus tracks in the corners > people couldn't find the bonus tracks without cutting themselves. I really heard that if you hurt yourself on a CD you can sue the musicians and anyone else who ever used any of the same notes in their music so this is why iPods are designed to be safe unless you swallow them. > I heard that at all Mexican restaurants, Doritos are the only thing > on the menu except sometimes for gum. I really heard that gum isn't a food, it's snack or dessert or something, the way ketchup isn't a food either, which is why ketchup goes so good on French fries and not on real food. > I heard that if you mix cyanide and chlorine gas you get regular dirt. I really heard that there's this big factory that makes all the dirt in the world and that's why taxes are so high because if the Government didn't make enough dirt we wouldn't have any places to put our landfills. > I heard that urine is sterile but you can still get pregnant from it > if you try really hard. I really heard that everything is actually sterile until you try to measure it because of Schroedinger and that cat that died because it was in a box that was _too_ sterile. > I heard that Benny Hill once tried to make a movie about a serial > killer but they didn't release it because it was too funny. I really heard that Benny Hill was just propaganda made up by England to convince the United States not to take England's war debt seriously. > I heard that if you do pushups on a shag rug they don't count. I really heard that they make shag rugs by just taking regular rugs and having some guy use tweezers on the rug a billion times until it's all stretched out really tall then they pat it down. If you buy one that hasn't been patted down it will squish you up against the ceiling so never install any rug that's taller than you. > I heard that the front of a penny is really the back and vice versa > because Ben Franklin was playing a practical joke and that's the > only reason they ever made brown coins. I really heard that Ben Franklin invented the electric bicycle except he only invented part of the electric bicycle because all he was interested in was the electric bicycle seat. > I heard that Europe is named after Johnny Europe, who was the > first man to discover the Earth because nobody had thought of > calling dibs on that yet, not even Columbus, who was busy trying > to find a way to re-inflate his hat. I really heard that Europe is really just the part of the Atlantic ocean that's on dry land. > I heard that if you lick a steel pole on cold day they throw you > out of the strip club no matter how tight you got frozen to it. I really heard that strip clubs are just a scam so that those people will have an excuse not to wear clothes. > I heard that blue jeans are really red. I really heard that blue jeans are just khakis with blue mildew like the kind they put in cheese to make it French. > I heard that they call farting cutting the cheese because in France > they still slice cheese by farting on it because their ecology > laws say they can't waste farts. I really heard that if you mix a rectal fart with a brain fart you can find out how bad your brain smells. -- K. You heard me that I heard right. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: No, but really. Date: Sat, 24 Jun 2006 04:00:10 -0400 Earlier today, I wrote: > > I wrote: > > > > I heard that the only reason some people don't like rice is that > > they don't know it's the only antidote for noodles. But really I heard that every year lots of people die from eating noodles which is why if you eat too much spaghetti the doctor has to cut you open immediately to get all the spaghetti out of your stomach by twirling it around a doctor's fork and then when the doctor sews you up if there's no surgical string handy they just use the spaghetti. > I really heard that after they make Spaghetti-Os all the little holes > they punched out get made into people's zits. But really I heard that Chef Boyardee invented Spaghetti-Os because nobody liked his earlier Spaghetti-Pentagrams. > > I heard that the reason hotels don't have waterbeds is that it takes > > too long to fill them up with those little ice buckets. But really I heard that the best thing to do in a hotel is to keep asking for extra ice buckets and then fill them all up so that you can use the ice to build your own hotel room out in the parking lot so that you won't have to pay any rent when you stay at the hotel. > I really heard that ice cubes are square because there's a law saying > they have to be square so you can't take them to the bank to cash them > in like regular diamonds and have the bank cry when the diamonds melt. But really I heard that the main reason banks don't like you depositing ice in your account is it makes the ATM rust so you have to take it to the teller instead and they don't like getting their hands cold and also there was this robber who stole a bag of ice from the bank and the dye pack didn't explode because it got frozen and when the cops were closing in on the robber he melted all the loot with a hair dryer so they had to let him go home and then he made his own ice. > > I heard that the reason they picked red, green, and blue to be the > > three colors of dots on your TV is because yellow dots are patented > > by a guy who paid for the patent with a post-dated check so the > > yellow dots can't be used until 2074. But really I really heard that if you take out a patent on the concept of patents then you get all the money in the universe and you can use your vast wealth to tell people what colors all the dots on their TV sets are going to be so if they're watching a program you don't like you can say "YEAH BUT YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT ON JUST THE YELLOW DOTS" and everyone looks weird unless it's "The Simpsons". > I really heard that when you turn off your TV, the actors inside don't > die. Unless you leave it off for so long that they starve. But really I heard that actors like being on TV better than being in movies because on TV they're always actual size instead of all stretched out which can't be good for their skin which is why they need so much makeup. > > I heard that the reason dogs walk so gingerly on pavement is that > > it hurts their feet because people always forget to put horseshoes > > on their dogs. But really I heard that the reason we say people or dogs walk "gingerly" is that if you eat too much ginger you start walking funny because it tastes so strong it makes your whole body pucker up. > I really heard that Nike is working on horseshoes for people but first > they have to find a way to make people fat enough. This is why Nike > owns McDonalds. You can tell because the swoosh is almost half of the > golden arches. Also, arches that were actually golden would sag and > droop because gold's not very strong which is why horses never wear > gold horseshoes. But really I heard that the secret of McDonalds is that Ronald McDonald isn't funny even by food clown standards. > > I heard that if you pump air into an overripe melon you can fly > > around the world in your smelly melon balloon until the bees pop it. But really I heard that the reason the Nazis lost the war is that they went broke buying all that gray paint to cover up the green stripes on the Hindenburg and also it burned up after it caught fire when two of its seeds rubbed together. > I really heard that the only reason bees are always angry is because > someone cancelled "The Bugaloos". This is why you don't see Sid & > Marty Krofft any more, because they're hiding in a bee-proof dome. But really I heard that neither Sid nor Marty Krofft did much work, all those shows were created by their third brother Doobie Krofft McWacky Baccy Von Dopenheimer Doobie-Doo-Zooby Weedtimer Stoneylegs Cann A. Bis Duper-Reefer Zono The High Clown. > > I heard that Nostradamus died on purpose. But really I heard that if you want to die at a specific time (like to win a bet or something) the easiest way to do this is to pick the hour in the fall when all the year's Daylight Savings happen because that hour happens twice in a row to give you twice as good a chance of winning. > I really heard that Nostradamus only picked that name because it sounded > like it would come with a really good football team. But really I heard that Regis Philbin only got into Notre Dame because there was an old Nostradamus quatrain that said that someday Regis Philbin would destroy the world if he didn't get into the college of his choice because he's the antichrist. > > I heard that if you put too much toilet paper up your butt the > > Army will take away any medals you earned for toilet hygiene. But really I heard that the best way to get medals from the Army is to be a really bad soldier that everybody hates so that the generals will put lots of brightly-colored ribbons on your camouflage uniform so that you'll be the only one the enemy can shoot at. > I really heard that the Army is working on a new satellite-based > septic system. But really I heard that "septic system" comes from the Latin for "seven" because back in those days people would do up to Number Seven before in the Renaissance people learned how to control the five most disgusting bodily functions. > > I heard that the only reason eBay stays in business is that it's > > really a front for the Stupid Mafia who dominate the world trade > > in used hand-made ashtrays and other forms of imported stupid goods. But really I heard that the only reason we haven't unified the world under one government like on "Star Trek" is that all the importers and exporters say they'd have nothing to do. > I really heard that the reason eBay capitalizes the wrong part of its > name is because the first ashtray listed on eBay said "THiS is eBay'S > fiRSt ashtraY" right on it so they had to keep the name spelled that > way forever or lose their patent on selling used ashtrays. But really I heard that when something is listed on eBay as coming from "a smoke-free home" that means the doll or whatever will be covered in chaw spit. > > I heard that the letter "a" only became a vowel after they passed > > a law banning the alphabet's original first letter, which was an > > obscene vowel. But really I heard that the other reason the schwa is never mentioned in the alphabet is that it demanded that the capital schwa be redesigned by Ferdinand Porsche and it turned out that the chrome serifs made all the other letters look bad. > I really heard that "y" spent $50,000 on the operation to become > a vowel. But really I heard that they're going to change the Constitution to make it so that nobody will be allowed to discriminate against Scrabble players so from now on we will have to spell everything J U S T L I K E T H I S . 8 1 1 1 1 1 5 1 1 4 1 1 > > I heard that if you rub a cat's fur backwards in the dark you can tell > > whether or not the cat likes butter and how much the cat hates you. But really I heard that one of the reasons bald cats make good pets is that you never have to put a cone around their neck to keep them from deliberately chewing a swear word into their fur. > I really heard that all cats hate butter but they just pretend they > like it because they think that's what you want them to do and all > cats do everything with the goal of pleasing their owners because > cats are really just dogs with different legs. But really I heard that the way they make butter is by mixing margarine and lard. > > I heard that they make blank CDs round instead of square because > > when people used to record music with bonus tracks in the corners > > people couldn't find the bonus tracks without cutting themselves. But really I heard that the main reason they forced everyone to switch from 8-track tapes to CDs is that most musicians couldn't think up enough songs to fill all eight of the tracks. > I really heard that if you hurt yourself on a CD you can sue the > musicians and anyone else who ever used any of the same notes in > their music so this is why iPods are designed to be safe unless > you swallow them. But really I heard that the best way to win a lawsuit is to tell the court that you demand your right to be your own attorney and your own judge. Then if the real judge takes too long to think about it just declare him in contempt and tell the bailiff to shoot him. -- K. But really I am very special. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Skin-care formulations. Date: Fri, 23 Jun 2006 20:51:18 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I noticed the other day that a lot of the fancy emollients now brag > about containing urea. One of them even said "CONTAINS 10% UREA" in > bold letters on the front. > > Are we reviving medieval recipes now? Will pharmacies start selling > hot mustard plaster kits? No, we're living in the age of super-science for superior products. Human urine is less than 10% urea. So this stuff is more urine-like than ordinary urine! Also, rubber vomit is now more realistic than real vomit, especially if you live in a neighborhood where people eat bits of kitchen sponges. I note that on the old "Star Trek" they were always eating plates of cut-up orange and green kitchen sponges (in "Journey To Babel" they even float them in wineglasses) so this means that by the 23rd century, all meals will be indistinguishable from rubber vomit. This is why Picard stopped wearing his toupee, because space toupees are also the same as rubber vomit. Hence, William Shatner. By then, ordinary emollients will be 500% urea. You'll need emollient that strong to keep your barfhair from chafing as you run up and down Vazquez Rock in pursuit of some space hooker. It's the seedy side of "Star Trek" that nobody ever sees. And if you disagree with me that "Star Trek" was all about rubber vomit, how do you explain "Operation: Annihilate!"? -- K. Know why those "Next Generation" uniforms looked like they had those huge padded shoulders? Because they were full of rubber vomit. And, in the case of the yellow shirts, urea. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Skin-care formulations. Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2006 16:44:53 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > No, we're living in the age of super-science for superior products. > > Human urine is less than 10% urea. So this stuff is more urine-like > > than ordinary urine! > > Indeed, the composition of urine is even covered by a FAQ at the > Singapore Science Centre. > > Question No. 9245 : > What is the composition of urine? > > Urine is mostly water and contains organic waste products such as > urea, uric acid, and creatinine, as well as excess ions such as > sodium, potassium, chloride, bicarbonate and hydrogen. > Concentrations (average values) of major substances in urine are as > follows: > > Water 1.4 L/day > Urea 1820 mg/100mL > Uric acid 42 mg/100mL > Creatinine 196 mg/100mL > Sodium ion 128 mEq/L > Potassium ion 60 mEq/L > Chloride ion 134 mEq/L > Bicarbonate ion 14 mEq/L > pH 4.5 to 8.0 > > Never mind that the question was asked by someone in age group 6 to 12. Hey, it's important for anyone of any age to memorize the recipe. You don't want to forget how to make urine and then run around with a mixture of sand and pickle relish coming out of your body. -- K. 1.4 liters of water a day? These people have not been enjoying enough lovely beverages. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Must be the brain Date: Fri, 23 Jun 2006 22:18:12 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Lately, I've been wackyparsing all kinds of normal-looking text. Text never looks normal. Have you ever noticed how weird "s" is? It curves one way, then it changes its mind and it curves the other way, and it stands up like it thinks it's better than it is when it's really just a squiggle. And then there's the fancy form of "g" that was clearly invented by a crazy person. And the comma! What sicko thought up the idea of appending a tail to something that was so tiny that it was just a single dot? And how crazy is it that the capital "O" and the lowercase "o" are the same shape? Shouldn't one of them have more serifs than the other? > A sign at the flower shop announces a clearance sale, and I read it > as a "Cleavage Sale". I suppose it's boom or bust in that line of > work... The concept of a clearance sale at a flower shop is interesting. "All these year-old dead flowers must go!" > I drive past a large building with the logo for FedEx/Kinkos and read > that as "FedEx/Klingon". Which might actually explain the kamikaze > FedEx driver on the tollway - "It is a good day to die in traffic". Dude, be realistic. Klingons just beam stuff everywhere. > There was more, but I fear the cats killed and ate that part of my > brain last night. Your brain has PARTS? Wow. Mine's just one big nerve cell that fills my whole head. It has the word "WEIRDCELL" written on it. I guess that's like Duracell except for brain cells that are weird and aren't batteries and more importantly don't have multiple parts. -- K. How come there's Klingon Scrabble but no Vulcan Ants In The Pants? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Must be the brain Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2006 00:36:52 -0400 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Everyone knows the brain is just useless tissue that should be removed > through your nose so that you don't rot. Balderdash! The truth known to science is that the reason you should pull your brain out is that it will make you smarter because your brain is where all your stupid is stored. I know it's true because I might see it on TV someday. I used to have a TV in my brain but I had to get it replaced with a pinball machine because the rats in there like pinball better because you can't tilt your TV, well actually you can but it spills water all over when you watch "The Love Boat". This is why they only ever filmed one episode of "Batman" underwater, because every time they tilted the camera they flooded a million houses and all the fans got electrocuted and died which is why nobody remembers that there used to be a Batman. That was before I replaced him. I'm Kibo, and I'm 31% better than Batman. -- K. I went to the store to ask for a pair of Brain-Removal Tweezers and they kicked me out and I can never go back to that Sanrio store. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Things I Accidentally Saw Posted To The Internets Date: Sat, 24 Jun 2006 00:46:38 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] someone almost wrote "Baskin Robots". THIS IS GENIUS! I want > some multiflavored robots. I only need one flavor. BRING IN THE BACONBOTS! > But only if they follow the Three Laws of Ice Cream Robotics: > > 1. An Ice Cream Robot must never harm a human being, either by > fattening a human or causing a brain freeze. > > 2. An Ice Cream Robot must never taste bad, except where tasting > good would conflict with the First Law. > > 3. An Ice Cream Robot must never drip, stain, or otherwise cause a > mess, except when cleanliness would conflict with the First or Second Laws. What about the robots that make Ben & Jerry's? I'd think they're already in violation of Law 1, because the put sharpened shards of glasslike rocks into every one of their flavors just to make your tongue bleed if you try to lick any Ben & Jerry's flavor. Why do they think ice cream has to have jaggies in it? HŠŠg‘n-DŠzs has the right idea, that ice cream should be creamy and not deadly. Law 2, on the other hand, is violated by Japanese ice cream robots. No-no arigato Mister Roboto, I do not want sushi in my ice cream and I do not want ice cream in my sushi. I will not eat them with lox, I will not eat them with the cast of "RoboJox". Also, you forgot Asimov's later Zeroth Law, which says that a robot cannot harm God, even if the robot has to push a human being down the stairs in order to save God from a brain freeze. God needs all the help from robots he can get. He just doesn't have as many super powers as a typical robot. Also, robots only explode if you make them think about a logical paradox, while God explodes if you don't believe in him, which is something he has no control over so again the robots are superior because they can just wear earmuffs to survive an attack by Bertrand Russell. Robots cut the hair of God. -- K. Serious, why do Ben and Jerry want to hurt my tongue? And if they want to hurt my tongue, why don't they make habanero ice cream? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Apartments to torture the elderly into smartening up Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2006 21:20:29 -0400 Here's an article from last year -- I just now found it, because the Internet is really slow. [www.msnbc.msn.com] -> -> The Discomforts of Home -> -> An innovative new housing project outside Tokyo aims to keep -> residents sharp by throwing them off balance. Duck! -> -> By Kay Itoi Newsweek International -> -> Dec. 19, 2005 issue -- Most people, in choosing a new home, look -> for comfort: a serene atmosphere, smooth walls and floors, a -> logical layout. Nonsense, says Shusaku Arakawa, a Japanese -> artist based in New York. He and his creative partner, poet -> Madeline Gins, recently unveiled a small apartment complex in -> the Tokyo suburb of Mitaka that is anything but comfortable and -> calming. "People, particularly old people, shouldn't relax and -> sit back to help them decline," he insists. "They should be in -> an environment that stimulates their senses and invigorates -> their lives." Yeah, but, a lot of old people hate stimulation, novelty, interestingness, color, flavor, or texture of any sort. Some of them never turn off their TV or change the channel. "WHY CAN'T THAT NICE YOUNG REGIS PHIBIN BE ON ALL DAY?" they complain, before taking the first of their eight daily naps and eating three ounces of one of the 580 cans of the same flavor of Campbell's soup in their pantry. Probably Cream Of Mushroom, 'cause it's the beigest. -> With that in mind, Arakawa and Gins designed a building of nine -> apartments known as Reversible Destiny Lofts. Painted in -> eye-catching blue, pink, red, yellow and other bright colors, -> the building resembles the indoor playgrounds that attract -> toddlers at fast-food restaurants. "I'm sorry, Grandma, but you're just so old that we can't put you in a regular home for the elderly. We have to put you in Chuck E. Cheese's ball pit. You can come out when you're dead." -> Inside, each apartment features a dining room with a grainy, -> surfaced floor that slopes erratically, a sunken kitchen and -> a study with a concave floor. Um. Should I tell Newsweek about all the incredible innovations my apartment uses to keep me a genius? My kitchen has recently developed the most novel challenge I've yet encountered -- the oven has a tendency to violently fling its door open when it's good'n'hot. (The spring that's supposed to hold the door closed got cooked away.) -> Electric switches are located in unexpected places on the walls -> so you have to feel around for the right one. A glass door to -> the veranda is so small you have to bend to crawl out. You -> constantly lose balance and gather yourself up, grab onto a -> column and occasionally trip and fall. Even worse, there's no -> closet space; residents will have to find a way to live there, -> since the apartment offers only a few solutions. "You'll learn -> to figure it out," says Arakawa. Ten minutes of stumbling around -> is enough to send even the healthiest young person over the -> edge. Arakawa says that's precisely the point. "[The apartment] -> makes you alert and awakens instincts, so you'll live better, -> longer and even forever," says the artist. I just phoned a thousand doctors and asked each of them whether having an apartment designed to make you bash your skull every five minutes will actually make you immortal, and 999 of the doctors yelled "FUCK NO!" The other said, "I RECENTLY MOVED INTO ONE AND DAISIES WITH WALNUTS FOR PANTIES." -> Completed in October, the apartments are now selling for -> $763,000 each -- about twice as much as a normal apartment in that -> neighborhood. Arakawa and Gins have received dozens of inquiries -> and are now in the process of showing and interviewing potential -> buyers. They have a certain celebrity cachet: Jakucho Setouchi, -> an 83-year-old popular author and respected Buddhist nun, bought -> one on the top floor. Well, _formerly_ respected. How can we take a nun seriously if she spends a zillion dollars to move into a Chuck E. Cheese without the Chuck E. Cheese part? Damn rich weird nuns. I bet all the other apartments are occupied by Yakuza who are trying desperately hard to be weird enough to be cool, wearing purple leather snowsuits and getting full-body barcode tattoos. -> Built by Takenaka Corp., a leading Japanese contractor, the -> apartments actually meet every building-code requirement. The -> artists are not worried about possible injuries or lawsuits, but -> make sure each buyer understands "the concept" of the building -> before he or she signs the contract. This isn't the first time -> Arakawa and Gins have created seemingly hazardous structures; 10 -> years ago the pair opened the Site of Reversible Destiny -- Yoro -> Park, a theme park in Gifu, central Japan. The popular tourist -> spot consists of attractions designed to throw people off -> balance, made up of warped surfaces and confusing directions. -> Visitors often fall -- but so far nobody has sued. Anywhere? Ever? I could've sworn I once sued someone, but apparently I was just imagining it. I should sue Newsweek for trying to convince me that all lawsuits are imaginary. Should I file a real one or an imaginary one against them? Imaginary ones must work better because they're more popular, at least on the Internet, especially within an eight mile radius around sci.physics. -> Arakawa and Gins hope the Reversible Destiny Lofts will catch on -> outside Japan as well. Each unit is made up of large concrete -> blocks that can be preassembled, making the Mitaka complex a -> prototype for mass production. In fact, Arakawa says, they are -> in talks with interested parties in Paris and New Jersey about -> building similar complexes. Their ultimate goal: to turn an -> entire community into a Reversible Destiny town, where people of -> all ages live, work, study and play in their unsettling -> buildings. "It will be a revolution," says Arakawa. "This will -> change the way people live." That is, assuming people don't mind -> living with sloping floors and no closets. Never mind that. In what way do these modern Japanese buildings facilitate the viewing of tentacle porn? You know they had to have been designed with that in mind, since this is Japan we're talking about. As the sign at the airport says: Welcome To Japan The Tentacle Porn Country -- K. I want a capsule hotel filled with Jell-O. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Apartments to torture the elderly into smartening up Date: Mon, 26 Jun 2006 02:11:26 -0400 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [www.msnbc.msn.com] > > -> > > -> The Discomforts of Home > > The floors and walls should be coated with teflon. Silicone oil would work better. Not that I know anything about what happens when you get even one drop of silicone oil on your floor and within minutes it's magically transferred onto every flat surface in the whole place. Anyway, silicone oil would work better. > The corners of the walls should have protruding razor blades. What, no durians? > The lights should be turned on manually, > but turned off by a hypersensitive version of The Clapper. And how is this different from the stage of "WarioWare Twisted" where you have to keep the egg balanced by not moving your GameBoy because the tiny little accelerometer chip is so super-sensitive that by the third time you play that stage it kills you whether you manage to hold perfectly still or not? Well? I demand you give me an answer without moving! > The doors should have no locks > and the apartments should be located > in crime infested neighborhoods. No, the door should have a lock but the key should be divided into six pieces scattered throughout all of space and time. The pieces should be disguised as various plot coupons. Also, there should be a terrorist attack in Los Angeles every hour but only for one day because everyone knows there are only 24 hours per year. Other ways to injure the elderly for their own good: 1. Every time the TV says the words "Regis" or "Philbin", a tiny robot will replace all laxatives in the house with poison. 2. Nitroglycerin pills will be kept in childproof containers inside other childproof containers. 3. The bathtub will have electrified handrails. 4. The toilet seat will be a live alligator. 5. Canned soup will be loaded with cholesterol, instead of simply containing no nutritional value whatsoever. 6. All Tommy Dorsey records will contain subliminal messages telling people to kill themselves by overdosing on Geritol. 7. Pants will explode when wet. And -- thanks to Yakov Smirnoff -- disposable diapers will dispose _you_! -- K. Do they even still make Geritol? Hmm, I checked the GlaxoSmithKline Web site and it looks like it now exists only in tablet form, not the original elder-friendly foul-tasting Vitameatavegamin form. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Some useful turns of phrase... Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2006 22:09:45 -0400 From an article by Peter Davis on the charmingly silly gay bars in Shenzen, China: [www.asiansexgazette.com] -> -> [...] -> -> Under a blue and white banner that proclaimed in Chinese: -> "Surrender to passion. Become the man-storm!" the entertainment -> took a cross-dressing cultural turn for Act 3; a traditional -> Tibetan folk dance featuring two guys in Tibetan drag and three -> in traditional Tibetan male clothes, one of whom sported -> none-traditional ethnic spiky hair and black retangular emo -> glasses. No one camped it up, though. It was like watching the -> equivalent of an American square dance with gingham-clad -> transvestites. Or maybe a cross-dressing Amish barn raising. "BECOME THE MAN-STORM!" is another one of those phrases that's useful to remember so you can yell it during any lull in any conversation about any subject. It ranks up there with "I'M A BIG BOY!" (in more ways than one.) -> Act 4 was a male fashion show. Again, no camping or vamping. -> Just cute guys modeling slightly bargain basement-looking sport -> coats, sweaters, slacks and shirts amid silently farting fog -> machines. -> -> The emcee -- no Joel Grey in Cabaret, he -- then favored us with -> an overly long rendition of lip-synched popular songs, including -> one for which C translated the chorus as: "I love you like a -> mouse loves rice. I miss you like a hooligan misses girls." "I miss you like a mouse loves rice," is a beautiful thing to say to anyone you love rodently. But it's no "BECOME THE MAN-STORM!" How come the Weather Channel never predicts a man-storm? Don't we have those in the U.S., at least in the big cities? -- K. If China gets to have "emo glasses", I demand America's right to have man-storms, whatever they are. Are they something like PMS except involving doing "the wave" at baseball games? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some useful turns of phrase... Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2006 23:17:54 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Also, I saw the cover for the "Bareback Mountain" DVD in a catalog last > week [...] Was it easy for you to find, or did you have to spend hours looking through the catalog? I bet you're jealous that I have the pornographic knockoff of "Nin x Nin" titled "Bin x Bin" where you can see a fat ugly guy dressed as Shingo Katori from "SMAP x SMAP" dressed as Ninja Hattori-Kun. Also, he can morph into a woman when he wants a guy to screw him. And there's more, much more. If you think that Shingo Katori would be better if he were a fat guy with bad skin and bad teeth and more cross-dressing than usual, it's the movie for you. It's even more horrifying than the episode of "SMAP x SMAP" where Michael Jackson decides to show up without warning. Japanese TV makes Canadian TV look predictable. -- K. "Monty Python And The Holy Grail" was totally plagiarized from "Nin x Nin". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Warning: Movie Does Not Enable Viewer To Fly Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2006 22:40:58 -0400 I am currently indisposed with some sort of flu-like illness (HEAD SPINNING CONSTANTLY) so I'm way behind on alt.religion.kibology and my E-mail, but I did skim this news item: [today.reuters.com] -> -> MUMBAI (Reuters) -- Bollywood's new flying superhero has asked -> fans, especially children, not to imitate his onscreen -> death-defying stunts after a man leapt off a cinema balcony in -> central India, breaking his leg. -> -> "The action scenes are meant to be enjoyed, not imitated. Please -> do not indulge in these stunts," Hrithik Roshan, who plays -> "Krrish," a Superman-style hero who saves the world from a mad -> scientist, wrote in a newspaper on Monday. -> -> Newspapers said at least two people had hurt themselves trying -> to imitate the stunts from the film that opened last week. And then "Videodrome" was released in India, causing thousands of men to die when they tried to cram their fists into their own vaginas. I hereby coin the term "indiot" for anyone who thinks Bollywood films are real. If we ever go to war with India, I suggest a strategy involving showing them "Three Stooges" shorts. Especially that one where they dip Moe in the melted rubber and then blow him up like a balloon and pop him. It would be so funny to see that if only it were true. -- K. I want the Thai movie "Hanuman Vs. 7 Ultramans" to become real. Also I want to be six of the Ultramans. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2006 23:08:07 -0400 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > IT SUCKED!!!! > > Also, I SURVIVED!!!! Yay! I see your myocardial infarction and raise it the flu. It's Disease Poker! That's like Disease Bingo except you can count multiple stab wounds as five of a kind. Wait, how do we know the hospital didn't fix your heart by replacing your entire body with a robot programmed to pretend it's you? Can you prove you're you? Did they give you one of those bombs that will explode if you think a certain word which they didn't tell you? Is it "raspberry"? "duvet"? "inkwell"? "nudibranch"? "fungo"? "crontab"? "farthingdale"? I guess the only way you can prove you don't have one of those is if we try every word. Is it "rutabaga"? Anyway, I'm glad you survived, IF TRUE. -- K. "vinyloid"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2006 04:40:58 -0400 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > On Saturday 6/17, I woke up at about 04:00 with dull chest pains and > diffuse pain in my right arm. I wasn't really too sure just what was > going on, since AFAIK the hallmarks of a heart attack were stabbing > chest pains and 'tingling' in the left arm, so I just dealt with it > and the pains went away after about 45 minutes of extreme discomfort. Though the heart's just barely left of center, it definitely cross-talks with enough nerves on both sides that either arm (or neither!) might feel weird when the heart is hurting. 'Cause you can't localize sensations coming from within internal organs that don't usually hurt (after all, you have no experience feeling your heart) you just pick up the sensation in whatever parts of your body are connected to the same bundles of nerves going into your spinal cord, and in the case of the heart, it's part of the arms (they're divided lengthwise, so you might feel the pain along just one side of the arm.) This is useful to know because it should also work in reverse, in case you want to learn one of those kung-fu moves where you punch a guy in the elbow and then three weeks later he'll have a fatal heart attack. > I figured it was a rather severe reaction to the Chinese food I had > for dinner the night before, since I've had MSG reactions before. > Later that day I went to a pool party/BBQ and felt fine all day. I'm lucky enough to not be susceptible to the MSG "ice cream headache" I've heard about other people getting, although I consume more MSG than almost anyone ('cause I eat lots of Japanese junk food, some of which tastes like solid MSG.) I'm glad I can't tolerate cheese instead of MSG (even though, of course, cheese contains MSG) because MSG is delicious and cheese is nasty. > During the following week, I had a couple of instances of chest/arm > pain that didn't last very long or weren't very painful, so I > dismissed them. On Saturday 6/24, again at about 04:00, I was > awakened with the same diffuse chest and arm pains, except this time > it was a lot worse and also didn't go away after an hour or so. And > then, I started having shocky sorts of pain in my left arm, like I had > stuck my finger into an electrical socket. This was the point where I > decided to call 911. Did they come over before or asking you how you knew what sticking your finger into an electrical socket feels like? Frankly, I don't think it's all that bad. Unless your other hand were on the radiator, in which case your heart would probably explode but you'd never know it because you'd just think you were feeling electricity instead of the fried heart. > The EMTs showed up within 10-15 minutes, since I guess early Saturday > mornings are pretty slow (also, the VOIP 911 thing actually worked > OK), and they gave me some oxygen and a quickie EKG, and then some > nitro, which really helped. After some discussion, they packed me up > and took me to the nearest hospital. I was feeling a lot better than > before because of the nitro, but still in a bit of pain and covered in > cold clammy sweat. > > In the Emergency Room, I got some more nitro and another EKG and they > drew some blood, and then I laid on a gurney for about 90 minutes > until a doctor-type came in and told me I had probably had a heart > attack, but not the type of heart attack that would require rushing me > to the cath lab. I got to make a phone call to let my brother know I > wouldn't beable to attend my nephew's birthday party (it was cancelled > due to weather anyways), and then about another 90 minutes later they > transfered me upstairs to a regular hospital room. > > Once upstairs they drew some more blood and hooked me up to a wireless > cardiac monitor, and some oxygen, even though I was actually feeling > pretty OK at that point. And then, they gave me some lunch. > > Hospital food, like airline food, is anecdotally bad, but as soon as I > started eating, my chest and arm pains came back with a vengeance. At this point, I was trying to think of something worthwhile to say about hospital food dissolving people's arms from the inside, but then suddenly there was some really bright lightning out my window, so I grabbed my camera and ran outside because if I got hit by lightning I might not have to finish this article. Well, sadly, not only did I still not manage to get the photo I've always wanted of lightning hitting the Prudential tower, but I was also disappointed to not be hit by lightning. It's been a whole year since the last time I got my camera fried! At least this time I did get a photo of a cloud-to-cloud jump directly above the Pru, as if the lightning wasn't trying hard enough and only went halfway (straight down above the building.) But other than that it wasn't a very photographable storm, just a bunch of diffuse sky flashes. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, I just didn't get hit by lightning, and the hospital food was making you feel like sticking your finger into an outlet again. What color were the stereotypical Hospital Jell-O Cubes? > So, more nitro (eventually I was on a nitro IV), and some more drugs, > which were useless, and then morphine, which was also pretty useless. Kontext-Away is trying to take part of that sentence and make an anti-drug commercial out of it, but I told it not to, because I am just saying NO to stupid anti-drug commercials. > I'm of the opinion that all the stuff they tried 'first' was a > placebo, but I guess the morphine and all the nitro eventually started > taking the severe edges off things. I was still in a lot of > discomfort in the 3 hours or so after lunch, at which point a REAL > cardiologist showed up and asked the resident when the hell he planned > on calling the catheterization team (they have Saturdays off I guess). > The REAL cardiologist then started filling me in on what he thought > was going on, at which point I said, "OK, I guess I really had a heart > attack", and he said, "No, you've been having a heart attack for the > past week, and you're still having a heart attack. We're all sort of > amazed at that." It always amazes me how many doctors still don't get that telling the patient "HOLY SHIT! IT'S AMAZING HOW FREAKY YOUR CASE IS!" might not be good bedside manner. "Do you mind if I call all my students to come see this? You're SO abnormal!" It wasn't even "I'm sort of amazed," it was "We're all sort of amazed," as if he had already hooked up the room's secret camera to YouTube. > As I was waiting for the cath team to assemble, my Dad and my brother > showed up to keep me company, even though I had a nearly constant > stream of nurses and med students and other people with stethoscopes > coming in to listen to my chest and scold me about smoking. Do you ever get the feeling those people all think that anyone who smokes has never heard that it's bad for them? I'm not a smoker, but even I am offended at the self-important attitude people take when they tell smokers, "I'm the only one you should ever listen to for information about whether putting burning leaves into your lungs might be bad!" Don't those people know that criticizing other people's smoking might be bad for their health? Or had they already strapped your fists down? > Eventually, the doctor-type who would be doing the catheter showed up > to explain things to me, and oooh I fell in love with her. Maybe it > was the drugs. She had such beautiful eyes, and I can't remember a > word she said. Easy way to do a controlled experiment: Take some morphine and go to Wal-Mart. If anyone looks good, you'll know the morphine works. > So a short while later, they took me down to the catheter lab and gave > me some more drugs, and some dye, and I guess the local anesthetic > they used was another placebo because when they cut into my groin it > hurt like hell, but I guess things kicked in eventually because I fell > asleep during the catheterization. They had to put a stent in one of > my coronary arteries because of a total blockage, "Hey, why is my 'About Your New Coronary Stent' pamphlet just a bunch of ads for Segways?" I want to know why paranoid crazy people are always ranting about The Gummervint implanting foreign objects in their butt-ox, but you never hear anyone screaming about Dean Kamen's plan to stick things into people's coronary arteries. Dick Cheney has one, and he _is_ The Gummervint! > which was fine with me since that was what caused my infarction, > and after that I got wheeled over to the Cardiac Care Unit where > I would spend the rest of Saturday and Sunday. Again, there was > a steady stream of stethoscopes listening to my chest, with the > added bonus of everybody checking out my groin. That's part of Dean Kamen's plan. He drives around on his invisible Segway shooting heart attack rays into people's homes so that they'll have to get stents so that he can come and look at their groins. Did any of the orderlies who visited you look like a middle-aged Greg Brady who was slowly rocking back and forth on an invisible Segway? If so, you've been cruised by Kamen. > The CCU nurses were very cool, waiting on me hand and foot and > checking out my groin (the incision actually did bleed a lot), The line I would have used: "Dammit! I put on clean underwear just in case I ever had to go to the hospital, and now it's ruined! When I get out of here, I'm going to have to buy another pair!" > and after my Dad and my sister visited on Sunday, the nurses transfered > me to a portable monitor and and we played poker for the rest of the > afternoon, even though they could see my heart rate on the monitor, > which I thought was cheating. I think they were happy to have me, > since I was the only patient younger than 80 that weekend, and could > actually use the toilet all by myself even when hooked up to all the > monitoring equipment. And that paragraph is reason #759 why I didn't choose nursing as a career. By the way, I would have tried to come visit you at St. Eliz's on Monday, but whatever virus I've been suffering from this week kicked in really bad on Sunday night, and even when I was starting to feel better on Tuesday I figured it might not be a good idea to go into a cardiac ward and cough all over everybody. (Tuesday I was able to go out for a little while, but then I got worse again and spent all of Wednesday in bed. Today I'm finally better except for the post-infective mucus and stuff.) So, anyway, you survived largely because I didn't come visit you. Plus I figured that the moment I showed up you'd start begging the nurse to induce a coma. Sorry I couldn't be there, much as I love hospitals. (Where else can you steal so many different colors of rubber gloves?) > Monday morning, I got sent back up to the regular ward, since I guess > they only need to closely monitor you for 24 hours after a catheter. > I got an echocardiogram on Monday, which was uneventful, and on > Tuesday they gave me a stress test which was also uneventful. I can > only assume this, since the doctors never bothered to discuss the > results of either test with me. Doctors are like that. What goes on in their heads: "I'm a doctor and he's not, therefore he's not qualified to know what's wrong with him. If we told him, he might just go to another doctor and say it, and the other doctor would assume that it was a self-diagnosis and therefore have to ignore it." The best way to get doctors to ignore you completely is to tell them exactly what's wrong with you. > They finally let me go home on Tuesday afternoon. I'm impressed how quickly you can through all this, even with them inserting a stent and feeding you the drugged Jell-O. You must have the constitution of an ox. My theory is that all those cigarettes have helped your body build up resistance to bad stuff. I wonder what all the MSG I eat has been helping my body learn to do? (I know what the hot peppers have been doing.) Again, Tom, I'm really glad you came through this, and I'm also glad it went so quickly for you. I'm also glad you had your heart attack in 2006 instead of 1906, because I've been to the Museum Of Questionable Medical Devices and played with the "bad heart" treatments from back then. (The museum has some of them, too.) > Long story short, I feel fine. Once they put the stent in, everything > was just peachy. I still have to do the followup care, and take a > bunch of pills probably for the rest of my life, and yes quit smoking > finally, but looking back on it, this heart attack was no more than a > temporary inconvenience. The real pain in the ass is yet to come, > with all the lifestyle changes I'll have to make in order to avoid the > next one. With luck, given your stamina, you might be one of those people for whom quitting smoking isn't that big a problem. If, on the other hand, you're one of those people for whom quitting smoking causes you to go on a killing spree, you still have my full support, provided it involves a chainsaw and you head towards Hollywood. > Thanks to everybody who sent their concerns, and hope to see you all > at the next Movie Night. I'll be there if you pick a week when I'm not contagious. I only show up for those when I have non-contagious maladies, such as undiagnosed concussions that make me act more idiotic than usual. Trust me, those are worse than sticking your finger into an electric socket. One's "Ow, that hurts... but is very interesting..." and the other is "Oooooooh, I think I just forgot all the even numbers. This is going to be a problem for one or three weeks." -- K. So, Tom, for those of us who are planning to have our own heart attacks someday, what advice do you have for how to get the doctors to treat you that nice? Should I get a MedicAlert bracelet that says "I'M VERY SLIGHTLY FAMOUS"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2006 16:32:28 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, Tom, for those of us who are planning to have our own heart > > attacks someday, what advice do you have for how to get the doctors > > to treat you that nice? > > > > Should I get a MedicAlert bracelet that says "I'M VERY SLIGHTLY FAMOUS"? > > Get a bracelet that says "I am a Droog. Be very, very nice to me," > which emits high-voltage balls of lightning. Then the doctor will tell > you, "We're all really amazed, not to mention shocked and scorched." The only problem is that the better doctors all wear rubber gloves. I don't know the dielectric breakdown constant of nitrile offhand, but I'm guessing that it would be big enough that you'd have to burn out the 9-volt battery in your bracelet within a minute or so in order to maintain that level of zappitude. So I don't think your idea is very practical, though it's otherwise perfect. -- K. Droog, huh? Sorry, no. I don't look good in white, or with false eyelashes, or singing in the rain. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2006 16:26:58 -0400 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm lucky enough to not be susceptible to the MSG "ice cream headache" > > Headache? I wouldn't have called an ambulance for a frikkin' Headache. > > From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_restaurant_syndrome : > > "Less common, but more serious symptoms attributed to the syndrome > have included swelling of the throat, chest pain, heart palpitations, > and shortness of breath." Yeah, but note the second half of the same article: -> [...] studies have consistently shown that MSG is not significantly -> associated with symptoms of the syndrome [...] Instead of assigning -> the syndrome to one specific cause, one scientific review suggests -> that the Chinese restaurant syndrome is a name applied to a variety -> of illnesses which occur after eating, each of which may have -> independent causes [...] Of course, this being Wikipedia, they don't say what those "variety of illnesses" are, or what the "independent causes" are. Then there's a bunch of stuff about Ayn Rand and a list of egregious factual errors in last week's "SpongeBob SquarePants". I kid, I kid -- I love Wikipedia, it's the first place I turn when I want to learn about "SpongeBob SquarePants", assuming Nickelodeon.com and IMDB.com and all the other places Wikipedia people might have copied the source material from are down. Anyway, if your "Chinese Restaurant Syndrome" goes away now, you'll know that it was just your heart's way of trying to tell you it was going to arrest someday. If it doesn't go away, then maybe you should switch to Vietnamese or Korean food, because there's no such thing as Korean Restaurant Syndrome. On the other hand, you would have to deal with those tourists I mentioned who don't know about waiting in line when they all want to go over to the soup table so they can each go through the ritual of lifting up a ladle-ful of miso, staring at it for three seconds, and then putting it back, because no tour of America is complete without staring at everything. > Also, at no time during my hospitalization was any Jell-O seen or > consumed. Well, that's the problem. Jell-O is the only food that contains no glutamate, which occurs in all meat and cheese and tomatoes and soybeans and stuff. Jell-O is the perfect food for sick people because it contains no food of any sort. It's like an aerogel without the air. In my opinion, hospitals should serve nothing but Jell-O, and the hospital itself should be made of Jell-O so that you won't get bored because your room will wiggle when you play with it. Plus the part where they strap you to the gurney would be more fun because, hey, Jell-O straps. -- K. Instead of Wikipedia, you should just get all your medical advice from alt.religion.kibology. As far as "SpongeBob SquarePants", you should ask the Surgeon General about him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dumbest idea of the week. Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2006 23:37:03 -0400 What could possibly go wrong with this brilliant idea? [news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> Thousands of child pornography images will be collected -> into a database to prevent further distribution, a group -> of online companies has announced. I really don't want to meet the guy who has the job of Collector Of All The Kiddie Porn In The World For Strictly Legitimate Purposes Only WINK-WINK. Seriously, I don't know whether this idea is creepier than it's stupid or stupider than it's creepy. Let's just agree to call ti stucreepidy. -- K. It's a buh-rilliant idea, with the emphasis on the "buh". That puts it slightly below the "doy" ideas and the "durr" ideas. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dumbest idea of the week. Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2006 17:44:42 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Dr. HotSalt (mfergerson1@cox.net) wrote: > > > > -> Thousands of child pornography images will be collected > > -> into a database to prevent further distribution, a group > > -> of online companies has announced. > > > > [...] and get search warrants without the bother of actually having to > > display any filthy "physical evidence" before a judge. Nossirree, all > > they'll have to show a judge is a text file; "See right here yeronner, > > my computer told me this guy has kiddyporn". > > So much for the 24 glossy photos with Xs and arrows and a paragraph on > the back of each one... I don't get it. Are you trying to tell us you have a collection of kiddie porn disguised as a Pee Wee football playbook? Does "Pee-wee's Playbook" involve a refrigerator filled with food with eyes, and Phil Hartman singing songs about venereal disease? Shame on you for finding a way to make child porn even creepier. The Cartoon Network is going to be showing "Pee-wee's Playhouse" late at night starting in a couple of weeks, and I heartily endorse this show, especially if you want to see Lawrence Fishburne in chaps. As far as pictures with Xs go, last week I was in a bookstore and the current "Time" cover was a design with a '40s style primitivism to it: A painting of the face of a dead Iraqi resistance leader, against white, with a big red "X" drawn across it. I said to my friend, "I have the same cover, except with John Lennon," and he laughed, and at that point I had to make the decision not to point at him and shout "HOW DARE YOU LAUGH AT MURDER OF JOHN LENNON!" 'cause I thought that might be a bad idea, what with me looking like a murderer and all. (I have the sort of Mohawk that makes me look like a murderer rather than a wanker. Gee, thank you, Scorsese.) -- K. So what's today's secret word? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: extremely dood-y spam Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2006 01:02:57 -0400 This just inboxed, a Ghanian variant of the generic Nigerian scam: -> -> Subject: DOOD-DAY FRIEND Hooray! Once I send all my money to Nigeria, at last I will be entitled to celebrate International Dood Day! What are the sacred (and profane) rituals for International Dood Day? Will I have to get a different funny hat? -- K. I CANNOT HELP IT IF MY HEAD IS TOO LARGE TO CELEBRATE OTHER HOLIDAYS ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review; Grandson Almost Piercing Testicle Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2006 01:47:50 -0400 Dr. HotSalt (mfergerson1@cox.net) wrote: > > [...] > > Christian is eight and was playing hide 'n' seek with siblings, and > hid on top of (inadequately weight-bearing) metal-pole-frame closet > shelves. A welded joint in the framing let go, whole shebang came down, > one of the metal bits was stuck through his scrotum into left thigh, > stopped only by femur. > > Missed his left testicle by this much: ||. That doesn't tell us anything unless you tell us which font his scrotum was written in. I hope he used Courier and not Univers 39. > _Seven_ cop cars and _three_ fire engines responded to 911 call. > Firemen did first-aid, transported grandson to hospital, calmed mom. > Cops did "child abuse" investigation for THREE FRIGGING HOURS. Oh, you'll get used to it after the next hundred weekly visits from the Surprise Social Workers now that you're on the "Suspected Of Abusing Children By Putting Closets Through Their Scrotums" watchlist. Everyone who's ever had a kid hurt themselves in one of these wacky ways has to suffer plenty of followup visits, unless you do like Alan Arkin in the feeble movie "Improper Connections" and throw a box of punch cards out the window, thus preventing the dehumanizing mechanization of society. DAMN PUNCH CARDS!!! You know, I bet 90% of the people on alt.religion.kibology have never seen a punch card, unless they're registered to vote in Florida. > Hospital meanwhile did x-rays, applied some fancy stitchery, > installed drainage tube, and prescribed antibiotics. Cops said > "accident, never mind, get better shelving". The worst mistake you could make would be to run out and buy better shelving before finding out how much money you're going to get in your lawsuit against Shoddy-O Extruded Sheet Metal Products Inc. > Christian is now in possession of his first drainage bag, and his > first (I didn't know they made them that small) jockstrap to hold it in > place with. Doc says he's gonna walk funny for a week or so but will > otherwise be just fine. Be sure to explain to him that at age 8, he's technically ineligible for a Darwin Award so he shouldn't keep trying to destroy his scrotum, at least until he turns 18. If he wants to get some sort of Internet award at age 8, he should just learn to wave a lightsaber in time to the "Hamtaro" theme song. Anyway, glad to hear he's fine and didn't need to get Boy's First Neuticles(tm) implanted. If he had actually become a eunuch you would have to convert to Mormonism (if you're not already a member) because there's no such thing as the Kibology Tabernacle Choir, largely because I believe a tabernacle is a fancy word for "tablecloth" and I don't understand why anyone would want a bunch of castrati to sing underneath a tablecloth. -- K. Why do I get the feeling I should be reading this article aloud in a John DiMaggio voice, complete with the occasional "WOOOOOO!"? Band name idea: The Occasional Woo. It could be castrati glam rock! You know, like most boy bands from Hong Kong! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review; Grandson Almost Piercing Testicle Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2006 18:16:41 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > [...] > > I think Lots42 claimed to be 28 years old, or thereabouts, in real > life. On the Internet, he's a somewhat precocious 14-year-old who had > a partial mind-meld with a slightly confused 79-year-old. So he might > be both the youngest and the oldest person here. Stop picking on him. His life is hard enough, what with being a gay 14-year-old. They have enough problems, especially when you consider the dodgeball. It's kind of sad that I know people who are both too old and too young (though not at the same time!) to know the horrors of dodgeball. The "game" I was exposed to seems to have only existed within the last 40 years, and now there are a lot of schools that have stopped playing it, or have switched to soft squishy balls with fluffy cloth covers so that you can play it without officially sanctioning brutal bullying. I note that when they sent the Voyager probe into space with that gold Laserdisc containing photos of everything human beings do, they were careful not to include any photos of kids getting their glasses broken with dodgeballs. Earth has to conceal the existence of dodgeball from the rest of the Galaxy to prevent a visit from the Robotic Anti-Dodgeball Fleet which wipes out any planet which mistakenly invents dodgeball instead of a proper Ultimate Weapon. -- K. How come they never combined dodgeball with bowling? That would give you as much exercise as a shot put competition. Also, what sort of noun is "a shot put"? That's like referring to an arrow as "a bow give". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review; Grandson Almost Piercing Testicle Date: Sun, 02 Jul 2006 03:18:48 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It's kind of sad that I know people who are both too old and too young > > (though not at the same time!) to know the horrors of dodgeball. > > The "game" I was exposed to seems to have only existed within the last > > 40 years, and now there are a lot of schools that have stopped playing > > it, or have switched to soft squishy balls with fluffy cloth covers > > so that you can play it without officially sanctioning brutal bullying. > > At one of the schools I work at, they use what amounts to basketball > sized nerf balls. The fun part is that they are exactly the same > color as the school's basketballs, so you can have the terrorizing > even if the Man made you switch to something that won't actually maim > somebody. I once had a gym teacher who had a hollow plastic bowling ball he'd throw at people if they weren't paying attention when he was explaining proper bowling technique. It made a sort of "kloonk" sound when it hit. > Also, knives and guns are the new dodgeballs. Then what are the new knives and guns? -- K. And what was the predecessor of cooties? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review; Grandson Almost Piercing Testicle Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2006 18:06:05 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > My nephew lived through a childhood that included all kinds of > unthinking stunts, including lying down in the road outside their > house to see whether cars would stop. This was at the top of a hill > on a narrow rural road. Never mind which road it was on, which MTV channel was it on? Or are you a Hongkie so it had to be on "Chiseen"? But somehow I don't think he was on "Chiseen" because this sounds more entertaining than anything they ever did. Dryer lint is more entertaining than "Chiseen", even if you don't get to touch it. > Fortunately, the first guy to crest the hill saw my nephew in time. > The poor driver had quite a scare. My nephew wasn't scared > (after all, he hadn't got hurt), though his parents chewed him > out good. "If you get killed doing that, don't come running to us!" > He survived all sorts of things like that [...] then died in a > single-car crash at the age of 17, possibly from taking a curve > too fast. No one witnessed it, so we don't know. Do you at least know whether he managed to leave a good-looking corpse? > It might be good that Christian is suffering injuries, as my > nephew somehow never did. Christian might learn a little caution, > eventually. I seem to recall from the original article that scrotum boy's eight. You gotta expect them to hurt themselves in funny ways at that age. I think any parent of any boy in the four-to-eight range has had this conversation: "WHY did you swallow that nickel?" "I dunno..." "Then WHY did you swallow the other nickel?" "I dunno..." This relates to what Paula was saying about how you can't expect kids to be rational. In a kid's mind, they know that "sticking my hand into this mousestrap will hurt" and they know "I don't want to be hurt" but they haven't yet graduated to the syllogism of "Therefore, I don't want to stick my hand into this mousetrap!" They act upon impulse -- "Will this be fun?" is a question about impulse, "Will this be something I will regret?" is a question about logical analysis of a situation. As proof that kids are fundamentally insane: Actual quote from a nearly-seven-year-old launching himself off the top of a ladder of a bunk bed: "CATCH ME, KIBO!" -- K. Being an adult, I kind of _had_ to catch him, so he probably didn't learn anything from it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review; Grandson Almost Piercing Testicle Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2006 22:46:03 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Actual quote from a nearly-seven-year-old launching himself off > > the top of a ladder of a bunk bed: "CATCH ME, KIBO!" > > > > Being an adult, I kind of _had_ to catch him, so he > > probably didn't learn anything from it. > > What he learned is that he can make you catch him any time he wants. No, he didn't. Trust me, I know more about manipulative gamesmanship than any kid. > There are ways to catch kids that end up with them being severely > frightened, yet not physically hurt. Next time, he won't take you by > surprise, so you can use one of those ways. Exactly. I caught him gently, but then told him that now that he'd gotten his one ride, from that point on I'd be under no obligation to ever atch him again. 'Cause I know how this one thinks, and he knows me well enough to know not to test an assertion like that. (He was trying to find the limit, not break an established limit. He wouldn't have done if it he thought I wouldn't be surprised.) If I thought he'd ever hurl himself at me again, I couldn't make that promise 'cause we'd both know I'd _have_ to catch him, but in this case the course of future events is plenty predictable -- he gave me his little test, I demonstrated how to react correctly, now we go on to different little games. He gets to feel happy by having established where the limits are, and I'm happy he's not going to try that again so neither of us will get hurt. I don't think I'll need to use any of your scary holds, since I'm certain this was a one-time event, but for future reference, what are these techniques you were thinking of? And do they derive more from judo, aikido, or that thing they do always on "Cops" where they pull upwards on the handcuff chain? -- K. I was watching a judo champion being interviewed on "SMAP x SMAP" last night, and when they were discussing various Japanese judo stars, their weights were flashed on the bottom of the screen, and I discovered that most of these burly Japanese guys weigh even less than I do. Not that I could defend myself against anyone who knows anything about judo, but it's always interesting to note I'm a giant by Asian standards. I should be the next Godzilla. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I am getting bigger! Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2006 17:50:03 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > I am growing! > Not horizontally, not mentally, not younger, not richer, not kewt nor > wiser. You want to be careful that the electric company doesn't tell the police about all the electricity you've been using for those lamps in your underground greenhouse. > In Louisiana, I was measured twice at the Doktor's office at 5' 7"(or so.) > In Idaho I grew to 5'8"&1/2 inches within the space of ONE YEAR! New shoes? > I did not eat any of the seafood down there after Katrina so please > explain to me why I am getting taller but not smarter nor richer. That trip to the Wonka factory while you were dressed like a cowboy? > Conversely, this must mean that those who did eat the seafood are now > getting shorter. Right? What about people whose height didn't change? Did they eat one and only one atom of seafood? And was it cooked in a microwave until it exploded? -- K. I miss when Archie was a gourmet chef instead of just lame. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I am getting bigger! Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2006 16:38:52 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > [...] Right now I have to figure how if it's more advantageous > for me to be short or tall so I can comply with the law and have > the right height on my driver's license because I only ever get > pulled over for stuff like my headlight being out. Imagine what > they'd do to me if the wrong height were listed _and_ I had a > signal light out! Cops are even more pissed if they pull you over and nothing turns out to be wrong. So you should always have something wrong with your car just so they won't get mad that they stopped you for no reason. > So what do you think: is it better for me to be short or tall? Tall, duh. Disadvantages of being tall: Having to bend over when you go through subway doors. Disadvantages of being short: Tall people look over the top of your head at the other wonderfully tall people. > I really don't think I could handle life in prison. Then you better tall yourself up to the point where the cops will respect you. That's hard to do, but somewhere around eighteen or nineteen feet is where they'll start being afraid to Taser you. -- K. Also change your name to something like "Buffalo" or "Crusher". But don't cancel out the latter by wearing a "Star Trek" uniform. Look at Wesley Crusher -- he was named "Crusher" and he was still a nerd! On any other show, he would've been the tough guy, but no, the uniform made him a nerd. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I am getting bigger! Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2006 22:40:37 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > My state ID card says I'm five foot nine, as I was when I was 16. > > Then around 2000, I went to the doctor and they measured me at five > foot seven. And I walked around quite sullen for a long time, and > thought of all the friends I have who are taller than me, and why I > didn't realize I was short for so long. > > Then later I got measured by someone else and it turns out I really > am five foot nine. So I can no longer blame my size for all my > problems. I often agonize about whether I'm six foot two or six foot one. I'm usually closer to six foot two, but occasionally due to my slackerly posture and daily spinal compression/expansion I'm closer to six foot one. I worry about this because six foot one is SHORT. I habitually measure myself against the height chart at the exit of every 7-Eleven I go to. A lot of them are off by two inches. I wonder why they don't try harder to get that right. "Your honor, the security tape shows that the mass murderer was six foot four, and Kibo is ONLY six foot two, so he wins!" The average height for a white American male my age is just under 5'10". That puts me in the 96th percentile. Add the two inches from the biker boots, and extrapolating from the chart, I'm somewhere around the 120th percentile, which is impossible, and that's why when I'm standing in a Green Line train it's pretty rare for me to see anyone taller than I am. This means that if aliens were to abduct that train and declare that the tallest person aboard would get to be the ruler of the charred remains of the Earth, I'd win, but only if biker boots count, and you know they do -- I've never met a space invader who doesn't like boots. (For proof, watch the bottom half of any "Star Wars" movie.) According to the height/weight charts, I'm about 50 pounds under the average for my height -- I'm only in the 4th percentile for guys as tall as me. I can't imagine it being possible for me to gain fifty pounds -- my metabolism just doesn't work that way. I can't gain weight. It doesn't happen. Not even possible. Hey, cool, I found a "Body Surface Area Calculator" next to those charts. I have about 1.9 square meters of skin, according to the various formulae. Do tattooists charge by the square meter? -- K. Fun fact: White American women are 6" shorter, on average, than men. This is why all women like wearing those 6" stiletto heels all the time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why, oh why, Dear Kibo Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2006 17:56:03 -0400 Otto Bahn (oTTopantyhoseBahn@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Why does Microsoft use fonts in its applications that have an "I" and > an "L" that appear identical? They're not identical. In Arial, the "I" is almost 8% thicker than the "l". (Yes, I measured.) So, you need a higher-resolution monitor. Then you should be able to tell a 144pt "I" from a 144pt "l", provided they always occur side-by-side. Making that happen is your problem, not Microsoft's. > Didn't anyone learn from back, like, oh 20 years when "1" and "l" > were identical? Sure, they were typed with the same key on the typewriter, but those in the know used a different finger to type each of them, and so you could tell them apart by the slightly different ink distribution caused by striking the key from a different angle. > HULK SMASH! Don't give Ang Lee any ideas or he'll make a movie where the Hulk goes around annoying people by identifying every typeface he sees. -- K. He only yells "HULK SMASH!" when someone asks something like, "What font is the Lord & Taylor logo in?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gasoline price-related heart tremors Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2006 23:02:07 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Yikes! I think I nearly passed away in traffic today. The price > everywhere just went up another fifteen cents, so I was shocked to see > a local big-box gasoline station with the sign set at 89 cents and 95 > cents! So you're driving around in Iraq, and it's the _prices_ that scare you? You might want to keep an eye out for IEDs. (Our Unabashed Dictionary defines "IED" as "Love Springs BLANK". ...Brett Somers, what incoherent garble did you write down?) > I was preparing to zoom into that lane, and was wondering why there > wasn't a line around the block, and renta-cops with shotguns to keep > the peace, when I noted the guys on ladders, with shiny new number > boards - who hadn't yet put the two-dollar numbers in place yet. I love all those plastic signs with the two-and-a-half-digit resolution which now say ## ######## ######## ## # ### ### ### ### # # # ### ### ### ### ### ## ######## ######### # # ### ### ### ### # ## ### ### ### ### ## ## ######## ######## ...where a "2" or "3" is crammed into the slot designed to contain a plastic "1" because everyone knew that although gas prices were now above a dollar they could never, ever go above 1.99 before the plastic signs wore out thousands of years from now. I can't wait to see the fun we'll have when they go past 9.99. They'll have to put a "1" above a "0" in that spot, the same way the Romans used to abbreviate "Io!" when they were busy inventing the exclamation point. Gas prices will begin with "!" for a few days until prices hit 11.00. -- K. Let's hope they never learn enough math to realize that the tiny superscript "9" means they can charge 2.89 to the ninth power dollars a gallon. (Approximately $14,063.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Generic Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2006 22:44:06 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > [...] > > There are some products where there is a difference. Store brand cola > often tastes like Tums. So what would store-brand Pez taste like? -- K. And what sort of dirt would generic Sixlets taste like? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: by the way Date: Sun, 02 Jul 2006 04:01:49 -0400 I'd better say this before someone else does: Talking about what happens when you drop Mentos into a soda bottle is this year's "TWENTY-THREE SKIDOO, BOOP-BOOP-A-DOOP!" So now that we've found a new fad to already be wanting to be over, why are there still sudoku puzzles and the World Cup? I made the mistake of trying to shop for a new TV set today. Both Sears and Best Buy were mobbed with people who went to the TV department just so they could watch the World Cup on a TV they didn't have to buy. Also, I noticed that gift-wrapping paper is now almost extinct. But every store has plenty of those little shopping bags printed to look like gift wrap for the lazy people who want to say, "Here, I spent more on the bag than on your gift because I was too lame to fold a piece of paper around your ashtray, happy crappy birthday." The choices of giftwrap were so uninteresting that I just used a couple sheets of white paper and wrote on them some sarcastic text about it being the world's lamest giftwrap (see, it's sarcastic because I actually made the world's awesomest giftwrap, even before I put the bootleg Hamtaro sticker on it.) -- K. P.S. Mentos are useless for _any_ purpose. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: by the way Date: Sun, 02 Jul 2006 18:14:17 -0400 Polarhound (Polarhound@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I made the mistake of trying to shop for a new TV set today. Both > > Sears and Best Buy were mobbed with people who went to the TV department > > just so they could watch the World Cup on a TV they didn't have to buy. > > The Best Buy near me is showing the World Cup... the LAST World Cup, on DVD. > > I've never seen people so confused/pissed. I'm elated. I mean, it's always sad to see the last of anything, but only if it's a dolphin. I'm fine with the idea that Best Buy says this'll be the LAST World Cup, with "LAST" in LOUDCAPS for IMPORTANCE. Yay! We made the World Cup go extinct before White Castle! This means we can still have White Castle for at least four more years! Between the World Cup and White Castle, White Castle is my favorite W.C. They're also my favorite thing with the initials "W.C.", no matter how the restaurants smell. -- K. Plus, White Castle sells DVDs of newer movies than Best Buy. Cheaper, too. And every one includes thrilling extras, such as the back of someone's head! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Anal about toilet paper Date: Sun, 02 Jul 2006 15:24:23 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > [...] You can't keep wiping until it's all gone without knowing > whether it's gone or not. That's a quote from the worst "Forrest Gump" sequel ever. -- K. "And then the next day that nice young man what I gave the flying lessons to turned out to probably not be such a good pilot 'cause he flew his plane right smack into the World Trade Center... I think when they rebuild it they should build it lying on its side so planes will go right over it. Mama always said, 'Skyscrapers is like a box of --'" "SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!!!" "Well, there's no cause for you to be rude, Mr. President... You're the ninth President who's taken the time to personally tell me to shut up, but you're the rudest." FORREST GUMP II: THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS a true story coming soon to a real theater actually near the real you ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Anal about toilet paper Date: Sun, 02 Jul 2006 15:31:47 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com (barbara@bookpro.com) wrote: > > > > [addressing Lots42] > > > > I doubt anyone in ARK looks to you as a reliable arbiter of what is > > weird and what isn't. > > Should anyone in ARK look to anyone else here as a reliable arbiter of > weirdness? Me! I'm the most arbitrary person around, so, LOOK TO ME! I shall be the Arbiter Of Weirdness. After all, I'm already Captain Shazbot and the King Of Terror and Spokesman For Earth and Suppergenius Q. Laserbrain and The World's Only Ninja and Mr. Bob Hope and The Man With The Power To Be Ignored and President Of The Other United States so adding one more title to my business card won't be very difficult, especially as am also the Arbiter Of Difficulty, and I decree that the degree of difficulty of writing something on a business card is exactly 2.7, while its degree of weirdness is only 0.2. So, look to me, your new Arbiter Of Weirdness. BEHOLD MY OFFICIAL UNIFORM! --> & <-- it's an ampersand. I'm wearing an ampersand. HAPPY NOW? -- K. It's elasticated for conjunctive comfort. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Anal about toilet paper Date: Tue, 04 Jul 2006 01:27:36 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I shall be the Arbiter Of Weirdness. > > Can we call you Kibonius? Sure! "Maximus Kibo" would be good, too. Especially if I get to be in a Road Runner cartoon. > I hope you don't end up like Petronius. Eh, _someone_ had to write wacky satire about Nero. Having Suetonius's book o' gossip was nice, but Petronius managed to write something in the style of Benny Hill that still managed to offend the emperor so much that he got, you know. So I don't plan to enrage anyone into ordering me to kill myself, or rather, I don't plan to _listen_ when they order me to do that. Also, I heard that the President has a dining room eight miles long made entirely from the skulls of veal calves. I think it would have been neat if Petronius, Suetonius, Hero, and Martial could have gotten together for an Imperial Celebrity Roast to zing Nero (and squirt him with wacky toxic fluids from Hero's inventions.) I don't know why the Romans didn't leave us more videotapes of their celebrity roasts. It's just a shame Nero died without leaving any heirs. That means that he was the last descendant of Ahenobarbus, and there are now no guys with unnaturally orange beards, and -- hey, wait a minute... -- K. MEEP MEEP! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Fireworks! In! Space! Date: Sun, 02 Jul 2006 19:36:31 -0400 So, I see NASA's rescheduled the launch of the fragile ol' Space Shuttle for July 4, just because the country has a need to see some snuff fireworks right now. Because I'm a nice guy, I guess I'd better temper that by also saying something nice about NASA... um... I'm impressed that they haven't already blown up _all_ the Space Shuttles. After all, if you put that many million miles on a twenty-year-old car in -459 degree weather with three-G pullouts, even a twenty-year-old German car would explode. There's a certain inevitability of Space Shuttles blowing up due to having a trillion old, cracked moving parts filled with flaming plasma. So, I'll say NASA has done a surprisingly good job of keeping 50% of their fleet from exploding. Of course, since they obviously want to keep launching the remaining two over and over until they explode, I may have to retract that paragraph eventually. But who knows, maybe the remaining Shuttles won't explode. And also, I heard that if you watch the DVD of "The Deer Hunter" over and over, eventually Christopher Walken wins the Russian Roulette tournament and they give him this big trophy filled with candy! Yeah, I'm bitter. I don't like watching astronauts die, unless they're wearing cool molded plastic armor designed by George Lucas, and then only if it's the original version before the technology existed to allow people to ruin old movies. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, candy. Christopher Walken and I like candy. What do other actors like? -- K. I think the main reason we have to make astronauts ride these things is that people get mad when they see chimps and dogs getting blown up. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.med,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: top 6 foods to grow Date: Sun, 02 Jul 2006 21:15:09 -0400 In sci.med, a_plutonium@hotmail.com wrote: > > I saw no sci. nutrition newsgroup so sci.med will do. > > [...] > > Perhaps I should post some of my secrets in cooking and recipes. YES, ARCHIE! PLEASE! > Such as chile peppers fried like popcorn and then eggs over easy on top. > > Or the use of fried onions in spaghetti and in soups. Wow, Archie. I hope you took out one of your special imaginary patents on your secret recipe of putting onions in spaghetti and soup. I hope you can make money suing Ragu and Campbell's and Progresso and Paul Newman and every other manufacturer of American food for stealing your invention of how to put onions into things that should have onions in them. > Or the use of a little bit of sauerkraut in spaghetti to give it > a crunch texture. And how about a mixture of peanut butter, mayonnaise, tripe, and squash? With added mah-jongg tiles to give it a super-crunch texture? > Perhaps my best kept secret, no longer a secret now, is the use of 4 > frying pans, all teflon where 2 become the lids of the other 2. The > reason for 4 is in case I need to transfer for space. The reason for > teflon is that I never have to clean them, just rub with a paper towel. Um, Arch... Oh, never mind. You keep right on not cleaning the stuff you eat off of. (You _do_ eat directly out of the frying pans, I assume?) > Occasionally I have to put water in them and boil and then paper towel. > I use these pans not only to fry but to bake such as turnovers, which > do not come out as fluffy as baked but then I spend only a matter of a > few minutes, not hours. In cooking, it is all a matter of speed and > timing, just as in computers I cannot bear those slow pokes. Please post your recipe for computers mixed with sauerkraut. We're all waiting. Only you could do that. -- K. Here's a recipe you can try: Wrap a handful of jellybeans in aluminum foil and bake for eight hours at five hundred degrees or until they melt together into a super jellybean which you can stick in your ear to grow your very own jellybean tree that will taste like earwax except pink. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.med,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: potato pancake recipe Re: top 6 foods to grow Date: Sun, 02 Jul 2006 21:22:35 -0400 In sci.med and soc.history, a_plutonium@hotmail.com wrote: > > [...] > > A potato pancake is just like a blueberry pancakes where the potatoes > replace the blueberries and the baking-powder is omitted. WRONG! A potato pancake is actually just like a steak, except with the steak omitted and a potato pancake included. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired alterna-rock band name #47: REPLACE THE BLUEBERRIES > Now normally pancakes are served with maple syrup. But in Potato > Pancakes, I serve them with a generous side dish of organic applesauce. > > So, Potato Pancakes and Applesauce. I really hope you do that hilarious Humphrey Bogart impression during your Nobel Prize acceptance speech. They do give Nobel Prizes for figuring out how to open jars of applesauce, right? Archimedes Plutonium-inspired trance-tronica band name #48: NOBEL PRIZE FOR BREAKFAST > [...] > > And the potato can be replaced with onions or with fried mushrooms or > with carrots. Or with many other replacements. It is a meal that is as > good as a pizza but less time than to build a pizza. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired sarcasti-punk band name #49: PIZZA IS HARD! -- K. What are your favorite pizza toppings, arranged alphabetically from anchovies to Zingers? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: As always, I'm AHEAD OF THE MUTHAFUCKING CURVE! Date: Tue, 04 Jul 2006 01:51:26 -0400 [www.newsobserver.com] -> -> This ice cream won't help you beat the heat -- it will fan the flames -> -> Ryan Teague Beckwith, Staff Writer -> -> ANGIER -- Scott Wilson won't eat his newest flavor of ice cream. -> -> He warns customers at his ice cream shop away from it. And he's -> not even sure whether he'll make another batch when he runs out. -> -> It's called Cold Sweat. -> -> Along with milk, sugar and the other usual ingredients, the ice -> cream is made with three kinds of peppers and two kinds of hot sauce. WHICH kinds? Those of us who are working on our own recipes want to know. Also, I think I can find places to buy more than three kinds of peppers. -> It's so spicy that just touching it makes your fingers feel hot. Unlike regular ice cream, where touching it just makes you a pervert. -> The ice cream has turned into a hot sales gimmick at Sunni -> Sky's, the roadside ice cream shop Wilson and his wife have run -> for the past three years along N.C. 55. -> -> It's not a top seller, though. -> -> Classic chocolate and vanilla and Wilson's other flavors, such -> as cake batter, s'mores and strawberry cheesecake, are more -> popular. Most who taste Cold Sweat once don't want more. I guarantee you I'd rather have it than the cheese flavor. -> Rod McCallum was one of the first regular customers to try it. -> "I thought it was a cool idea, but I didn't think he'd make it -> that hot," McCallum said between spoonfuls of butter pecan. -> -> "It tasted like fire -- with a side of fire." Yawn. Wake me when it tastes like fire that causes people to explode. -> After he made the first batch, Wilson drew up a waiver that -> customers have to sign before a taste. It forbids a taste to -> anyone younger than 18 without consent of a guardian, and -> pregnant women and people with health problems. -> -> Despite the warnings, the waiver has dozens of signatures. The blank waiver was purchased at OfficeMax -- it's from William Castle's series of legal forms. WILLIAM CASTLE IS NOT LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE IF YOU HAVE A HEART ATTACK AND DIE FROM SEEING THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF THESE FORMS! -> On Thursday, Wilson started his sales pitch on a software -> engineer from Cary who stopped by the shop for the first time. -> -> Doug Hunt was game. Wilson told him about the waiver, but Hunt -> laughed. Wilson said he was a "brave, brave soul." -> -> Wilson offered to get him a "wimpy sample" -- a tiny taster -> spoon with ice cream flecks so small that you would think it -> had already been licked clean. -> -> Hunt started to back down, but goaded by his wife and perhaps -> influenced by the presence of a reporter, he decided to try it -- -> a big spoonful, but with just one pepper. (Daredevils ask for three.) Daredevils would eat the peppers _without_ any ice cream around them. -> "Do you have something against bald guys?" he asked, nervously. Baldness is caused by having loads of testosterone. If this guy's too wimpy to eat the spicy ice cream, he doesn't deserve to be bald! I am hereby taking away his "PROUD TO BE BALD" baseball cap he's been wearing indoors. I will give this news story a dollar if the paragraph concludes thusly: "Do you have something against bald guys?" he asked, nervously. Then the evil ice cream man laughed as he spread the ice cream across the man's bald spot. It was the worst trip to Wonkaland ever! -> After a few seconds, he tasted the heat. "It's pretty hot," he -> said. "That's really hot." -> -> Wilson's wife, Staci, looked on expectantly. "I'm good," Hunt -> said. She handed him a spoonful of cake batter ice cream. -> -> "Your face is getting red," she said. Beads of sweat had popped -> out all over Hunt's forehead. -> -> Wilson first thought a spicy ice cream might appeal to his -> Hispanic customers. One of his regulars, who works with -> international grocery stores, told him it was a bad idea. -> -> "He said, they like hot and they like sweet, but they don't mix -> the two," Wilson said. Um... so, he "works with" international grocery stores, but he's never been in one? To see the mole'? Or the mango lollipops dipped in hot pepper powder? Or any of the many other things involving sugar plus hot pepper to equal two types of delicious at once? Chocolate becomes good once you add hot pepper to it. -> Still, he went ahead, stirring jalapenos into vanilla ice cream. -> It tasted terrible, and, as predicted, his Hispanic customers -> weren't interested. Jalapenos are absolutely the wrong pepper for ice cream. Habanero, poblano, ancho, there are plenty of better choices. Jalapenos would be for people who like their ice cream to taste like metal, and any person as smart as me or Billy Bob Thornton knows you should always eat ice cream with a plastic spoon because metal tastes bad. -> As it turned out, a few others were. They didn't like the -> jalapeno flavor, either, but were up for something hot. -> -> A month ago, one of them gave Wilson a bottle of Toad Sweat, an -> ice cream topping made with habanero peppers and created by a -> North Carolina couple. Wilson mixed it with a batch of vanilla. -> -> It worked. But the heat seekers said it wasn't enough. What is this "enough" of which the humans speak? -> The final version is made with a blend of Dave's Insanity Hot -> Sauce and Blair's Megadeath Hot Sauce, along with a secret -> ingredient. Chile peppers, habaneros and Thai chiles are then -> stirred in. -> -> One of the first test-tasters was Justin Smith, 22, a woodworker -> from Angier. -> -> He had a spoonful of the ice cream. Then he went to the bathroom -> and threw up. -> -> He has had about five samples since then, Um, that's not a heat pig, that's just a guy with bulimia. He should just go down the street where they serve a delicious honey-Ipecac Chipwich. -> and he hopes to try for the store's record -- 14 ounces in one sitting. -> -> "It's got a good flavor," Smith insisted. "As someone who really -> likes hot stuff and doesn't mind being scorched, I can taste the -> difference, and it really does taste good." -> -> WHAT'S IT TASTE LIKE? -> -> A spoonful of Cold Sweat ice cream looks a little like tutti -> frutti. But appearances are deceiving. -> -> News & Observer reporter Ryan Teague Beckwith sat down for a -> spoonful -- with three peppers, as hot as it gets. -> -> At first taste -> -> It's a little bland, with the heavy cream flavor overwhelming -> the hotter oils. After about 10 seconds, the heat sets in. At 20 -> seconds, you can feel it in the back of your throat. At 30 -> seconds, you realize that it's not going to stop. -> -> After a minute -> -> The underside of your tongue starts to burn. If you have -> subconsciously licked your lips, you'll notice that they're now -> burning as well. -> -> After three minutes -> -> The burn moves down your throat and into your stomach. Geez, someone doesn't eat very fast. If it takes three minutes to swallow a single spoonful of ice cream, I'd hate to see this reporter tackle a Charleston Chew. (The pink ones would probably be good with hot pepper powder.) -> Then what? -> -> From there, it's perhaps best to let the taste-testing waiver -> speak: -> -> "It should be noted that what is painful going in may be painful -> upon exit." I've never had that problem. _Never_. My colon's tougher than two ampersands and a backslash combined. My theory is that people who say hot peppers make their butt hurt are forgetting to wash their fingers between handling the peppers and sticking their finger up their butt. -- K. I still haven't gotten around to trying to make my own pepper ice cream with my fancy new machine, largely because my freezer is too full of other stuff to have room to chill down the magic bowls. I need to either wait until winter, or eat about a thousand White Castles.