From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Anal about toilet paper Date: Tue, 04 Jul 2006 01:27:36 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I shall be the Arbiter Of Weirdness. > > Can we call you Kibonius? Sure! "Maximus Kibo" would be good, too. Especially if I get to be in a Road Runner cartoon. > I hope you don't end up like Petronius. Eh, _someone_ had to write wacky satire about Nero. Having Suetonius's book o' gossip was nice, but Petronius managed to write something in the style of Benny Hill that still managed to offend the emperor so much that he got, you know. So I don't plan to enrage anyone into ordering me to kill myself, or rather, I don't plan to _listen_ when they order me to do that. Also, I heard that the President has a dining room eight miles long made entirely from the skulls of veal calves. I think it would have been neat if Petronius, Suetonius, Hero, and Martial could have gotten together for an Imperial Celebrity Roast to zing Nero (and squirt him with wacky toxic fluids from Hero's inventions.) I don't know why the Romans didn't leave us more videotapes of their celebrity roasts. It's just a shame Nero died without leaving any heirs. That means that he was the last descendant of Ahenobarbus, and there are now no guys with unnaturally orange beards, and -- hey, wait a minute... -- K. MEEP MEEP! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: As always, I'm AHEAD OF THE MUTHAFUCKING CURVE! Date: Tue, 04 Jul 2006 01:51:26 -0400 [www.newsobserver.com] -> -> This ice cream won't help you beat the heat -- it will fan the flames -> -> Ryan Teague Beckwith, Staff Writer -> -> ANGIER -- Scott Wilson won't eat his newest flavor of ice cream. -> -> He warns customers at his ice cream shop away from it. And he's -> not even sure whether he'll make another batch when he runs out. -> -> It's called Cold Sweat. -> -> Along with milk, sugar and the other usual ingredients, the ice -> cream is made with three kinds of peppers and two kinds of hot sauce. WHICH kinds? Those of us who are working on our own recipes want to know. Also, I think I can find places to buy more than three kinds of peppers. -> It's so spicy that just touching it makes your fingers feel hot. Unlike regular ice cream, where touching it just makes you a pervert. -> The ice cream has turned into a hot sales gimmick at Sunni -> Sky's, the roadside ice cream shop Wilson and his wife have run -> for the past three years along N.C. 55. -> -> It's not a top seller, though. -> -> Classic chocolate and vanilla and Wilson's other flavors, such -> as cake batter, s'mores and strawberry cheesecake, are more -> popular. Most who taste Cold Sweat once don't want more. I guarantee you I'd rather have it than the cheese flavor. -> Rod McCallum was one of the first regular customers to try it. -> "I thought it was a cool idea, but I didn't think he'd make it -> that hot," McCallum said between spoonfuls of butter pecan. -> -> "It tasted like fire -- with a side of fire." Yawn. Wake me when it tastes like fire that causes people to explode. -> After he made the first batch, Wilson drew up a waiver that -> customers have to sign before a taste. It forbids a taste to -> anyone younger than 18 without consent of a guardian, and -> pregnant women and people with health problems. -> -> Despite the warnings, the waiver has dozens of signatures. The blank waiver was purchased at OfficeMax -- it's from William Castle's series of legal forms. WILLIAM CASTLE IS NOT LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE IF YOU HAVE A HEART ATTACK AND DIE FROM SEEING THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF THESE FORMS! -> On Thursday, Wilson started his sales pitch on a software -> engineer from Cary who stopped by the shop for the first time. -> -> Doug Hunt was game. Wilson told him about the waiver, but Hunt -> laughed. Wilson said he was a "brave, brave soul." -> -> Wilson offered to get him a "wimpy sample" -- a tiny taster -> spoon with ice cream flecks so small that you would think it -> had already been licked clean. -> -> Hunt started to back down, but goaded by his wife and perhaps -> influenced by the presence of a reporter, he decided to try it -- -> a big spoonful, but with just one pepper. (Daredevils ask for three.) Daredevils would eat the peppers _without_ any ice cream around them. -> "Do you have something against bald guys?" he asked, nervously. Baldness is caused by having loads of testosterone. If this guy's too wimpy to eat the spicy ice cream, he doesn't deserve to be bald! I am hereby taking away his "PROUD TO BE BALD" baseball cap he's been wearing indoors. I will give this news story a dollar if the paragraph concludes thusly: "Do you have something against bald guys?" he asked, nervously. Then the evil ice cream man laughed as he spread the ice cream across the man's bald spot. It was the worst trip to Wonkaland ever! -> After a few seconds, he tasted the heat. "It's pretty hot," he -> said. "That's really hot." -> -> Wilson's wife, Staci, looked on expectantly. "I'm good," Hunt -> said. She handed him a spoonful of cake batter ice cream. -> -> "Your face is getting red," she said. Beads of sweat had popped -> out all over Hunt's forehead. -> -> Wilson first thought a spicy ice cream might appeal to his -> Hispanic customers. One of his regulars, who works with -> international grocery stores, told him it was a bad idea. -> -> "He said, they like hot and they like sweet, but they don't mix -> the two," Wilson said. Um... so, he "works with" international grocery stores, but he's never been in one? To see the mole'? Or the mango lollipops dipped in hot pepper powder? Or any of the many other things involving sugar plus hot pepper to equal two types of delicious at once? Chocolate becomes good once you add hot pepper to it. -> Still, he went ahead, stirring jalapenos into vanilla ice cream. -> It tasted terrible, and, as predicted, his Hispanic customers -> weren't interested. Jalapenos are absolutely the wrong pepper for ice cream. Habanero, poblano, ancho, there are plenty of better choices. Jalapenos would be for people who like their ice cream to taste like metal, and any person as smart as me or Billy Bob Thornton knows you should always eat ice cream with a plastic spoon because metal tastes bad. -> As it turned out, a few others were. They didn't like the -> jalapeno flavor, either, but were up for something hot. -> -> A month ago, one of them gave Wilson a bottle of Toad Sweat, an -> ice cream topping made with habanero peppers and created by a -> North Carolina couple. Wilson mixed it with a batch of vanilla. -> -> It worked. But the heat seekers said it wasn't enough. What is this "enough" of which the humans speak? -> The final version is made with a blend of Dave's Insanity Hot -> Sauce and Blair's Megadeath Hot Sauce, along with a secret -> ingredient. Chile peppers, habaneros and Thai chiles are then -> stirred in. -> -> One of the first test-tasters was Justin Smith, 22, a woodworker -> from Angier. -> -> He had a spoonful of the ice cream. Then he went to the bathroom -> and threw up. -> -> He has had about five samples since then, Um, that's not a heat pig, that's just a guy with bulimia. He should just go down the street where they serve a delicious honey-Ipecac Chipwich. -> and he hopes to try for the store's record -- 14 ounces in one sitting. -> -> "It's got a good flavor," Smith insisted. "As someone who really -> likes hot stuff and doesn't mind being scorched, I can taste the -> difference, and it really does taste good." -> -> WHAT'S IT TASTE LIKE? -> -> A spoonful of Cold Sweat ice cream looks a little like tutti -> frutti. But appearances are deceiving. -> -> News & Observer reporter Ryan Teague Beckwith sat down for a -> spoonful -- with three peppers, as hot as it gets. -> -> At first taste -> -> It's a little bland, with the heavy cream flavor overwhelming -> the hotter oils. After about 10 seconds, the heat sets in. At 20 -> seconds, you can feel it in the back of your throat. At 30 -> seconds, you realize that it's not going to stop. -> -> After a minute -> -> The underside of your tongue starts to burn. If you have -> subconsciously licked your lips, you'll notice that they're now -> burning as well. -> -> After three minutes -> -> The burn moves down your throat and into your stomach. Geez, someone doesn't eat very fast. If it takes three minutes to swallow a single spoonful of ice cream, I'd hate to see this reporter tackle a Charleston Chew. (The pink ones would probably be good with hot pepper powder.) -> Then what? -> -> From there, it's perhaps best to let the taste-testing waiver -> speak: -> -> "It should be noted that what is painful going in may be painful -> upon exit." I've never had that problem. _Never_. My colon's tougher than two ampersands and a backslash combined. My theory is that people who say hot peppers make their butt hurt are forgetting to wash their fingers between handling the peppers and sticking their finger up their butt. -- K. I still haven't gotten around to trying to make my own pepper ice cream with my fancy new machine, largely because my freezer is too full of other stuff to have room to chill down the magic bowls. I need to either wait until winter, or eat about a thousand White Castles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Donut Incursion Date: Thu, 06 Jul 2006 14:37:31 -0400 twillis (thetwillis@yahoo.com) wrote: > > The Official Phrase of Last Night's Dream. > > Some weird dream about a coworker who left donuts to share "by the > firehouse" and I finally tried to get one, and could find one, and then > there was a carmel Long John, so I grabbed one of those, only when I > did The Big Guy's alarm clock went off and in the dream I thought "Oh > no! Busted!" for touching junk food and then I realized it was an > alarm clock an I was just dreaming. So, in back in the dream, I was > thinking, yeah, that'd be funny, an alarm to warn you of impending > Donut Incursion. > > When I woke, I thought of you bozos first. Somehow this is your fault. Yeah, but when you told us, what we thought of first was "caramel Long John" = "sticky underwear" and then we felt dirty. Like maybe in the supermarket next to the Goober Grape there would be a big jar of caramel sauce with underwear wadded up in it to keep the underwear fresh and moist. So your dream has nothing to do about doughnuts whatsoever, weirdo. I miss Krispy Kreme. Anyone want to go on a road trip to Krispy Kreme kountry? -- K. You should try to schedule your dreams so that they end before the alarm clock puts an alarm clock into the underwear of your dream. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Heard of any of these Kibo? Date: Thu, 06 Jul 2006 18:50:03 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > Subject: Heard of any of these Kibo? > > [...] > Seven Swords > [...] > Election 2 > [...] > Fearless > [...] > The Great Yokai War > [...] > Sympathy for Lady Vengeance HAY TIMM!!! Y0U KN0W WHAT????/// THEIR ARE THESE PLACES CALLED ST0REZ!!!!!!1 EVERY-0NE 0F THE D0ZANS 0F ST0RES IN CHINAT0WN HAS FAM0US M0VIES LIKE TH0SE!!! THEY HAVE ALL TH0SE M00VIEZ & USUELLY AT LEAST 1O M0RE!!!11 BUTT THE 0THER M0VIES ARE USUELLY WAY BEHIND TH0SE FAMUS 0NEZ S0 Y0U HAVE T0 G0 PAST ALL THE BIG P0STERS F0R THEM T0 GET T0 THE M00VIES THAT N0T EVERY-0NE WH0 LIKES ASIEN M00VIES HAS HERD 0F!!! ALS0 I JUST SAW THIZ REALEY K00L NEW M00VIE CALLED "STARR WARZ" BUTT Y0U PR0BABLY HAVEN'T HEARD 0F IT CAZ I'M S0 AWES0M!!!!!!1 ALS0 AN 0THER THING I HEARD 0F IS "STARR TREK"!!! THEY ALS0 MADE IT IN T0 A TV SH0W N0W!!!! 0KAY!!!!1 -- K. Know what I want right now? A bootleg of the legendary 12-hour edit of "Ninja: The Final Duel". And some pie. I WANT PIE! TWELVE HOURS OF PIE! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Heard of any of these Kibo? Date: Thu, 06 Jul 2006 20:32:14 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Know what I want right now? > > A bootleg of the legendary > > 12-hour > > edit of "Ninja: The Final > > Duel". And some pie. I WANT > > PIE! TWELVE HOURS OF PIE! > > That felt good! -- REPLY BEGINS beep beep REPLY BEGINS -- Character #27 is 'k'. Character #4 is 'r'. Character #115 is 'a'. Character #105 is 'f'. Character #24 is 'f'. Character #82 is 'z'. Character #107 is 'o'. Character #39 is 'o'. Character #40 is 'r'. Character #66 is '.'. Character #78 is 'g'. Character #74 is ' '. Character #37 is ' '. Character #103 is 't'. Character #42 is 'a'. Character #67 is ' '. Character #97 is ' '. Character #99 is 'o'. Character #110 is 'r'. Character #104 is ' '. Character #101 is 'g'. Character #59 is 'y'. Character #14 is 'e'. Character #51 is 'S'. Character #48 is '.'. Character #41 is 'm'. Character #90 is 's'. Character #60 is ','. Character #21 is 'o'. Character #72 is '.'. Character #83 is 'e'. Character #28 is 'i'. Character #109 is ' '. Character #124 is 'y'. Character #34 is ' '. Character #91 is ' '. Character #31 is ' '. Character #13 is 'l'. Character #33 is 'p'. Character #75 is 'W'. Character #62 is 'K'. Character #120 is 'l'. Character #18 is ' '. Character #9 is '.'. Character #131 is 'o'. Character #19 is 's'. Character #122 is ','. Character #53 is 'n'. Character #43 is 't'. Character #5 is ' '. Character #93 is 'r'. Character #111 is 'a'. Character #17 is 'e'. Character #100 is 'u'. Character #85 is 'p'. Character #10 is ' '. Character #29 is 'n'. Character #88 is 'i'. Character #79 is 'l'. Character #123 is ' '. Character #8 is 'm'. Character #63 is 'i'. Character #44 is 't'. Character #81 is ' '. Character #96 is 'e'. Character #1 is 'D'. Character #45 is 'i'. Character #3 is 'a'. Character #56 is 'r'. Character #26 is 'c'. Character #55 is 'e'. Character #52 is 'i'. Character #64 is 'b'. Character #130 is 'z'. Character #112 is 'w'. Character #22 is 'p'. Character #35 is 'm'. Character #73 is ' '. Character #54 is 'c'. Character #117 is 'c'. Character #98 is 'n'. Character #108 is 'm'. Character #113 is ' '. Character #95 is 's'. Character #86 is 'e'. Character #106 is 'r'. Character #12 is 'P'. Character #47 is 'g'. Character #46 is 'n'. Character #84 is 'p'. Character #76 is 'i'. Character #23 is ' '. Character #119 is 'e'. Character #61 is ' '. Character #92 is 'e'. Character #38 is 'f'. Character #87 is 'l'. Character #7 is 'i'. Character #94 is 'a'. Character #50 is ' '. Character #125 is 'o'. Character #11 is ' '. Character #15 is 'a'. Character #114 is 's'. Character #65 is 'o'. Character #16 is 's'. Character #116 is 't'. Character #25 is 'u'. Character #70 is '.'. Character #49 is ' '. Character #71 is 'S'. Character #68 is ' '. Character #118 is 'h'. Character #30 is 'g'. Character #80 is 'y'. Character #2 is 'e'. Character #121 is 's'. Character #128 is 'b'. Character #126 is 'u'. Character #36 is 'y'. Character #132 is '.'. Character #20 is 't'. Character #127 is ' '. Character #69 is 'P'. Character #89 is 'n'. Character #32 is 'u'. Character #58 is 'l'. Character #6 is 'T'. Character #77 is 'g'. Character #57 is 'e'. Character #102 is 'a'. Character #129 is 'o'. -- MESSAGE HAS BEEN DELIVERED beep beep MESSAGE ENDS extra hyphens now --------- ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Heard of any of these Kibo? Date: Thu, 06 Jul 2006 20:19:41 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > HAY TIMM!!! Y0U KN0W WHAT????/// THEIR ARE THESE PLACES CALLED > > ST0REZ!!!!!!1 > > You can't do anything to me today ...well, not until I find where I put my pliers... > as I had a photo published in a major daily newspaper. There's no such thing as a _major_ daily newspaper! They're not even good 48 hours after you buy them! Everyone knows that weekly newspapers are more major, because they have seven days to come up with the most important news ever, just like the Boston Phoenix and the Weekly Dig's occasional not-entirely-devoted-to-crude-drawings-of-women-with-ball-gags edition! And yearly newspapers are 52 times more important than puny weekly newspapers -- if you don't believe me, read "The Old Farmer's Almanac" and just watch as it forecasts 365 days' worth of weather, and it's never wrong, assuming that all parts of the United States have exactly the same weather at the same time! So, let us know when you get a photo published in some newspaper that prints less than once a year. You know, like "National Lampoon". > It is not the best of circumstances to have it published though > (the subject of the photo died recently.) Oh, geez, who did I kill now? -- K. Wait, you knew Ken Lay? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Generic Date: Thu, 06 Jul 2006 21:23:01 -0400 Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And what sort of dirt would generic Sixlets taste like? > > During a childhood visit to the arcades of the Jersey Shore boardwalks, > where 3 skee-ball tickets earned you a plastic ring with a spider on it > and 5 tickets earned you a pack of generic Sixlets and a mondo kool > cassette boom box with low-speed dubbing could be yours for only 25,000 > tickets, I once had five tickets to spare. > > You don't want to know the answer to your question. > > -Poot > (so then why did you ask?) Because I want to know what I don't want to know. Please tell me about each of the six flavors that was in your packet of fake Sixlets. Don't omit a single Siclet, I want to know about all six identical non-flavors. Do you think Sixlets are really just baby skee-balls? -- K. I like to use a real bowling ball on the skee-ball lanes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What really caused the Columbine shootings... Date: Thu, 06 Jul 2006 22:58:33 -0400 Okay, so I just flipped through the nearly 1,000-page PDF of all the stuff Eric "Reb" Harris and Dylan "Vodka" Klebold doodled in their notebooks before shooting up their school in 1999. Turns out that, although they played a lot of "Doom" and "Quake", the videogames weren't what made 'em do it. Possible reasons the batshit insane Neo-Nazi kids changed from ticking time bombs to murderers are: 1. Dylan Klebold turned in a paper ("Senior Predictions") with a hand-written title page. The teacher wrote "Great font -- what is it?" Thus, it's possible they were motivated to kill by sarcastic comments about typography. 2. Seen in a doodle: "AOL: WHeRe KeWLz HaX0Rz ArE -- AoLeeT d00d!" So, it's perfectly reasonable to assume that when they went on the killing spree, they were simply trying to kill B1FF perhaps because his CaPS L0CK key was aLM0ST BR0KeN. 3. One of them really, really hated the Peters map projection. So they may have tried to kill everyone in the school solely because they were outraged over the fact that maps can never be printed on flat surfaces without some sort of distortion. 4. Receipts show that at least one of them shopped at Hot Topic. If that's not a danger sign, I don't know what is. 5. Eric Harris wrote (repeatedly), "I am a nice guy who hates when people open their pop can just a little." See, he would have remained all sweetness and sunshine if people hadn't driven him over the edge by opening their Pepsis too carefully. 6. In addition to the various drawings for "Doom" and "Quake" levels they were designing, there's an elaborate illustration of a layout from Atari's "Rampart". Yes, the game where you built a medieval castle by using a trackball to place "Tetris" pieces. So it's plausible that they shot up the school because any "Rampart" player knows that it's a useful strategy to shoot your own castle walls because it's easier to fill in a big hole than to wait for the rare tiny pieces that will fix the tiny holes. 7. On page 712 of 946, the most damning item -- Eric "Reb" Harris wrote to the publisher of "Doom" suggesting they make a "Doom" movie. So, it's quite possible that if the crappy "Doom" movie had been released several years sooner, the two kids would have just shot themselves in the theater instead of going on a murder spree. (If I ever see the movie, I'll have to check the closing credits to see whether they say "IDEA BY ERIC HARRIS" or "IDEA BY REB".) In conclusion, I can say that this tragic mass murder was caused not by the kids playing violent video games, but by there not being enough bad movies based on video games. This is why there haven't been any major school shootings lately, now that Uwe Boll is flooding movie theaters with movies based on games. Hooray for Uwe Boll! -- K. New words coined by Harris & Klebold: "clovesque" "ub-fucking-sessed" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What really caused the Columbine shootings... Date: Thu, 06 Jul 2006 23:16:42 -0400 I wrote: > > Okay, so I just flipped through the nearly 1,000-page PDF of all the > stuff Eric "Reb" Harris and Dylan "Vodka" Klebold doodled in their > notebooks before shooting up their school in 1999. I forgot to mention that, like most premeditated-but-not-very-bright psychopaths, they were kind enough to leave a "to do" list behind so we could see their feeble thought processes ticking away. Amond the evidence was a March 22, 1999 "shit left to do" list. Most of the items related to getting guns and ammo got crossed off. "Get laid" didn't. -- K. To prevent future incidents, all high school losers should automatically lose their virginity. The school should supply hookers to any kid caught drawing pictures of Nazis shooting gym teachers. But it should be up to the kid whether the hooker wears a Nazi uniform. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What really caused the Columbine shootings... Date: Sun, 09 Jul 2006 00:05:51 -0400 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > To prevent future incidents, all high school losers should > > automatically lose their virginity. The school should > > supply hookers to any kid caught drawing pictures of > > Nazis shooting gym teachers. But it should be up to the > > kid whether the hooker wears a Nazi uniform. > > what about kids who draw pictures of hookers? > Just for fairness the school should supply nazis to them. Why? Those kids are too busy because they have jobs as the cover illustrator for the school yearbook. > I always worry about fairness. The first time I read that, my brain saw "I always worry about fairies," and now I'm imagining the first horror movie with an all-gay cast, where the butch guys get attacked by Carson Kressley and Oscar Wilde and Gainsborough's "Blue Boy" because the fairies want to glam them up and the twist ending will be that the fairies are crushed under an avalanche of International Male catalogs. I suppose the posters would say something like "They're so sweet, it's scary!" It would be a lot like "Zardoz", except that it would be completely different so as not to suck. -- K. However, it could still have Sean Connery in it, providing he still has the lacy wedding dress he wore in "Zardoz". I have more chest hair than he does, and I've never worn a dress, so I should be the next ten James Bonds. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dibs on this job Date: Thu, 06 Jul 2006 23:26:33 -0400 "Leo" (lazauskas@gmail.com) wrote: > > http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200607/s1680853.htm > > -> Mouse potatoes, himbos and googling go mainstream > > snips > > -> New words and phrases from the fields of science, technology, pop > -> culture and industry are chosen each year by Merriam-Webster's team of > -> editors after months of poring over books, magazines and even food > -> labels. Yawn. That just shows that Merriam-Webster is copying words out of the Oxford English Dictionary's 1997 revision. I warned everyone about "mouse potatoes" nine years ago: => From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) => Subject: Kibo immortalized in big fat dictionary. => Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.culture.usenet, => sci.lang.english, alt.folklore.computers => Date: 1997/03/20 => => News flash! (Please excuse the massive crosspost but this is => important--it deals with Kibo's wonderfully large ego.) => => Jim Finnis alerted me to a story in the London Times (March 10) about => the Oxford English Dictionary's new edition containing new => Internet-related words. => => One of them is me. "Kibo". => => I am not making this up. => => -- => => March 10 1997 GENERAL NEWS => Computer chips and the social potatoes => => BY TIM JONES => => COMPUTER addicts are being recognised with a new status placing them => somewhere between motivated and muscular -- but only in a dictionary. The => Oxford University Press is to define them in its next edition under the => name: mouse potatoes. => => The people who sit for hours surfing the global network rather than => enjoying a social life will be defined as being seen by many as "having => a twilight existence, cut off from reality". Some are also defined by an => addiction to "cybersex" on e-mail. => => The new Oxford English Dictionary will include scores of computer-speak => phrases which are edging their way into common usage. Internet users are => "netizens" and "cybernauts". There is also "kibo", the web slang for => God. => => Helen McManners, an OUP spokeswoman, said: "Mouse potatoes are a new => breed joining yuppies, bimbos, toyboys and others who have earned a => place in the English language." => => -- => => I am hoping there will be a little picture. Given that they think my => name is lowercase and "web slang", I figure there will probably be a => really screwed-up etymology cited (i.e. the one from the Jargon File / => New Hacker's Dictionary.) If there is a picture, I will gladly buy that => particular volume of the OED. I will carry it around all day so that => whenever someone says "Hey pinhead, there's a picture of you in the => dictionary under 'bozo'!" I will say, "No, my picture's HERE!" => => And it better be full-page, in color. => => If there's no picture, I'll just rip the page out of the library's copy. => Don't worry, I wouldn't do this in a good library. I'd do it from some => sleazy night library so that nobody will get upset with me. => => Thank you, Mr. Finnis! I owe you a roll of Mentos! => => [...] I think the real story in the 1997 article was that the Oxford editors wanted to make it clear that "mouse potatoes" were not the same as "yuppies" and "bimbos". Incidentally, I still have never heard the term "mouse potatoes" outside of these articles about dictionaries making up new slang we're supposed to use. -- K. Do people still use mice? I suppose there must be some third-world country where they don't have laptop computers, only desktops... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "Yo mama so fat, she only attractive to racist stereotypes!" Date: Fri, 07 Jul 2006 15:45:49 -0400 [www.boston.com] -> -> Judge strikes down rules requiring doctors to be respectful -> -> By David Tirrell-Wysocki, Associated Press Writer | July 6, 2006 -> -> CONCORD, N.H. -- Doctors have a right to free speech even when -> their comments insult or offend patients, a judge ruled in the -> case of a doctor who allegedly told an obese white woman she -> might only be attractive to black men. Could be worse. Could've been "You're so hideous you're only attractive to blind zombies, Martians, and people who write 'Match Game' questions for a living." -> State and American Medical Association requirements to treat -> patients with "compassion and respect for human dignity and -> rights" are so vague they are unconstitutional, Judge Edward -> Fitzgerald said in the case of Dr. Terry Bennett of Rochester. ...unlike all those incredibly clear things in the Constitution, such as the Second Amendment and that stuff about who can marry whom and the detailed definitions of "unreasonable" searches or "unusual" punishment. I say we should make the Constitution more vague. Just change it to "and goodness and niceness for all, most of the time" and then the new Constitution will be so short that any arguments about what it means will have to be really short too. Also the other sentence of the Constitution should be "No arguing about the other sentence." -> In a Merrimack County Superior Court ruling released Thursday, -> Fitzgerald halted proceedings by the state Board of Medicine -> that could have resulted in discipline against Bennett, who was -> accused earlier of telling a woman recovering from brain surgery -> to buy a pistol and shoot herself to end her suffering. Now that right there should be grounds for malpractice. Any doctor should know cheaper, more reliable methods of suicide than "buy a gun and shoot yourself and hope it doesn't just leave you with massive brain damage." Has everyone in the world read "Final Exit" except for the medical community? -> [...] -> -> That patient paraphrased Bennett's comments, which he denied -> making, as follows: "Let's face it, if your husband were to die -> tomorrow, who would want you? Well, men might want you, but not -> the types you want to want you. Might even be a black guy." -> -> Bennett has denied making the comment, but has said he has seen -> polls supporting that position. Yeah, but I not only have seen an imaginary online poll supporting my position (that I am the world's greatest genius) but I also have seen an imaginary online petition with ALMOST A TRILLION signatures calling for me to be declared an even bigger genius. I now deserve The Nobel Prize For Awesome Argumentation and anyone who doesn't give the the Nobel Prize is SUPER HITLER!!!! I want to see someone attempting to use the "but I think I saw a LiveJournal quiz about it that said I was cool" defense during a murder trial. 'Cause jurors in those long, serious trials need to get more laughs. -> "If you look at polling, nobody likes fat women," he said last -> year. ...which means he obviously hadn't discovered the Internet before last year. -> "... Is it right? No. Is it sensible? No. Is it true? Yeah -> ... Black guys are the only group that don't mind that. Is that -> racist to say that?" "Also, is it idiotic to make a deliberately racist statement and then pretend I don't even know whether or not it's racist? Hey, stop calling me an idiot! You're racist against us idiots! Someday we'll have our own homeland and then Idiotopia will bomb your country so that we'll never again have to put our feet in our mouths when we talk to you!" -> Fitzgerald said he did not condone remarks attributed to -> Bennett, but said he had a right to speak bluntly. -> -> "It is nonetheless important, as a general matter, to ensure -> that physicians and patients are free to discuss matters -> relating to health without fear of government reprisal, even if -> such discussions may sometimes be harsh, rude or offensive to -> the listener," he concluded in a 17-page ruling. Wait a minute. I know it's not illegal to be a racist bozo, but isn't it a crime to encourage people to commit suicide if they actually try it? Let's do the necessary experiment: HEY, DOCTOR IDIOT, YOU SHOULD SHOOT YOURSELF. There, now if I go to jail after he does it, we'll know I'm right. -> [...] -> -> Bennett's lawyer, Benjamin King, said the ruling upholds the -> free speech rights of doctors. -> -> [...] -> -> He said most of allegations against Bennett are just -> allegations. "Webster's Dictionary Brand Dictionary defines 'allegations' as 'allegations'! Q.E.D. I win, no givebacks!!!" -- K. By the way, all you people reading this are fat. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Something I wouldn't expect to hear from an MBTA bus driver Date: Fri, 07 Jul 2006 21:20:49 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Also, if I may I'd like to ask the assembled multitude a two-part > > question: > > > > *Have you ever seen a nun speaking on a cellphone? > > > > and > > > > *Didn't that seem somehow odd? Not by the standards of German porn. > No, but back in grad school days I knew a nun who packed a Swiss Army > knife. But she didn't wear a habit, and she was also an experimental > particle physicist. You want to steer clear of any nuns who can aim a particle accelerator at your head. Nobody can survive a blast from one of those. Not even Jesus! Alpha particles are stopped by skin, beta particles by foil, and gamma radiation can only be stopped by lead bricks or Jesus's testicles. So whenever firing your particle accelerator, be careful to aim it away from Jesus. Unless, of course, you're only producing neutrinos: Science says that neutrinos go right through Jesus! That's how you know he was real, because nobody ever reported he got hurt by neutrinos. > Also, several months ago, I saw a couple of presumed Mennonite women > driving/riding in a Prius. Why is it that "driving a car" and "riding in a car" involve being in different seats within the car, but you have to say "riding a motorcycle" even if you're the one driving it? Why does "driving a motorcycle" sound as stupid as saying "parking on a driveway" and "driving on a parkway"? Why do cars have four wheels but hot dogs always come in packages of seventeen? What did Dr Pepper say to the nun on the motorcycle? -- K. I now have the world's smallest MP3 player, which I plan on using with my world's largest headphones just to confuse the Earthlings. I keep worrying I might somehow swallow my MP3 player. It looks like something you'd get from a gumball machine. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: bAd! Date: Fri, 07 Jul 2006 21:01:25 -0400 Today at Target, the console that was supposed to allow you to listen to a few seconds of each of the top 40 CDs was saying, on its little three-character LED display: # ###### # # # # # # # # # ###### ###### ###### # # # # # # # # # # # # ###### # # ###### ...and it was blinking, because its level of bAdness was impOrtAnt. I really like the left-right symmetry of this exciting new way to write "bAd". Got a sort of heavy-metal band logo attitude to it. It's also quite verbose by the standards of error messages in the firmware of things installed in discount stores directly across from the gallon jugs of artificial iced tea. I have no idea what was wrong with the listen-to-this machine, as I didn't try it. I was afraid to touch it, because it was bAd. And then I wished Riley's Roast Beef would come back to town so that its neon sign could get into a laser fight with the word "bAd": # ###### # ########### __________ # # # # - --------* # # # / \ # # # # # # # / ABDUCT THE \ ###### ###### ###### ########### \ HUMANOIDS! / # # # # # # *--------- - # # # ___/___________/ # # # # # # # # # ###### # # ###### # # # -- K. PLANET UNSTABLE ----------------------------------------------------- From: James 'Kibo' Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: My new computer is very very hot Date: Wed, 12 Jul 2006 04:43:15 -0400 User-Agent: none I think my new laptop computer is trying to render me sterile. Won't work. I have super powers. Plus, air conditioning. Anyway, it's wider than I am so the hottest parts of the case manage to miss me completely. The main problem I see so far is that the thing won't fit in my briefcase. Which I guess is fine, 'cause the thing's so heavy it would be a pain to carry around. Why did I buy a laptop computer with a bigger screen than my TV? On the plus side, having a really wide screen means I can now have alt.religion.kibology in a window over on the left and a big Web browser window on the right without either of them covering up the other so that if I were a newbie, instead of saying "THE ARTICLE IMMEDIATELY ABOVE THIS ONE IS A LIAR!!!" I would say "HEY LOOK AT THE COOL GOOGLETUBE VIDEO PLAYING OVER HERE!!!--------------------->" but I won't do that because I'm not stupid and also I know you people can't really see me because I turned off the built-in video camera hidden in the peephole above the screen. On the other hand, I may still get neck strain from having to look over to the left whenever I want to see alt.religion.kibology, but I could work around that by putting this window in the middle of the screen, but then things would be asymmetrical and I'd have to have a skinny Web browser on one side of this window and something else tall and narrow on the other side, and nothing computers do is ever tall and narrow, except in Stanley Kubrick films. And I paid extra to get the non-Kubrickian model. Frankly, I don't see why they even offer that choice. I think they only do that so that the salespeople will have an extra question to ask you, after they've asked you whether you want the non-glare screen or the extra-glare screen. -- K. THIS FONT IS ALL BLURRY HEY YOU PEOPLE STOP BEING BLURRY