Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2006 02:00:46 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Some sonofabitch has my computer. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Well, I've been busy the past two months (such is the life of an impoverished self-employed guy -- that gives you lots of free time of one kind, but a lot less of free time of the other kind.) When last I posted (mid-July), I had mentioned that I had just bought a horribly overpriced new portable computer for my current projects. The bright side is that I had been busy enough that I hadn't yet had time to transfer all my personal files from my old computer to my new computer, so I didn't lose much when the computer was stolen tonight. Just the majorly overexpensive computer. (And my favorite black leather carrying case, and oh yeah, my passport was in it too.) The bastards will have about an hour to play around with it before the battery's drained enough that it goes to sleep, since they didn't get the charger. And once it gets fully drained, it's going to need a login password even if they do fence it to someone who buys a replacement charger. Obviously I'm never going to see my computer (or my passport) again. It sucks that I'll have to replace them, given the expense and hassle involved. I had no insurance on the computer, and I assume my debit card didn't provide any sort of theft-reimbursement protection for that purchase. At the time my laptop was snatched, a passerby was kind enough to call the campus cops (I was on the Massart campus) while I ran after (and failed to catch) the hoodlums. I gave a full report to a campus cop, who was very kind and expressed his frustration that he was not psychic enough to have prevented the crime in advance on his previous patrol through the area. Then I gave a brief report to a Boston cop, who was mainly concerned with repeatedly telling me how stupid I was for using a portable computer outdoors at night, in case I hadn't just figured that out. So, anyway, now I'm out a whole bunch of money for the computer, and a bunch of time dealing with replacing it and setting up another and re-creating my most recent work, and right now I'm upset with myself for being careless with the places and times I used my computer, and I'm mad at the three punks who pulled off the grab-and-run, and I really really want to hit someone, so it's too bad I'm not going to be having a boxing match with Uwe Boll this month. If you see three kids wearing hoodies and one's carrying a big silver computer with a lot of funny fonts installed on it, shoot them for me, will you? -- K. I have nothing to say down here. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2006 02:19:34 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Some sonofabitch has my computer. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology I just wrote: > > The bastards will have about an hour to play around with it before > the battery's drained enough that it goes to sleep, since they > didn't get the charger. And once it gets fully drained, it's going > to need a login password even if they do fence it to someone who > buys a replacement charger. I should add that of course I know that a logon password won't deter any semi-skilled person from getting at my files if someone really is interested in the contents of my hard drive, but at least it'll prove to be enough of a nuisance to clueless thugs that they (or whoever it gets sold do) will probably just wipe the hard drive. I had set the "password hint" string on the login screen to my phone number just in case it gets eBayed to someone who wants to check whether or not they just bought a stolen computer. Fat chance of me ever getting a call from the eventual owner (except maybe "HAW HAW I STOLE YOUR COMPUTER") but I figured that was worth a try. Again, if someone tries to sell you a big laptop that wants a password for someone named "Kibo", please shoot them in the face for me. It's okay, you have my permission to kill them before I get there. (That's your reward -- all I want is the computer, you can have the joy of vigilante justice.) -- K. If this were a sitcom, I'd get the "HAW HAW I STOLE YOUR COMPUTER" call and then they'd get caught after I hit star-six-nine. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2006 02:29:35 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Some sonofabitch has my computer. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If you see three kids wearing hoodies and one's carrying a big > > silver computer with a lot of funny fonts installed on it, shoot > > them for me, will you? > > Oh fuk. > > Well, I think I ran over them with a "borrowed" steam roller. I > didn't notice the laptop until I had used a flamethrower to destroy > the evidence. I hope you at least saved one hand from each so we can fingerprint them to determine whether you rightfully brought murderous vengeance on innocent people or the right ones. But either way, you did good, because the steamthrower/flameroller combination is always a winner. The only thing better is the fleamstroller/stamelower combo, and you can only get that if you live in the middle of the Mason-Dixon Line, and nobody wants to live in a house that skinny, always walking sideways so as not to accidentally enter either half of the country. > I hope the bastards get what's coming to them. Well, if they find my saved games, they might be scarred for life when they realize how much better I am than them at every video game in the world. -- K. I mean, it's a pretty safe assumption. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2006 06:37:36 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Some sonofabitch has my computer. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The bright side is that I had been busy enough that I hadn't yet > > had time to transfer all my personal files from my old computer to > > my new computer, so I didn't lose much when the computer was > > stolen tonight. Just the majorly overexpensive computer. (And > > my favorite black leather carrying case, and oh yeah, my passport > > was in it too.) > > Egggghhhhh. Aigh. Glurk. Sorry to hear it. ...Does the place you bought it > from have a record of any hidden identifying characteristics it might have? > (Like, say, its _MAC address_?) Well, because it was made by Apple, of course I bought the extended warranty, as all computers made by Apple have horrible engineering defects that cause them to cook themselves to death, explode, mysteriously go black, or turn hillbilly-teeth yellow after the first year. (Apple products are really the only ones where the extended warranty isn't a complete rip-off, because all their products have birth defects.) The guy I bought it from at the store was obsessive about printing receipts, and he made sure I knew I was getting three copies of the receipt (one for my wallet, one for the bag the computer was in, and one for the bittle box that contains the disc that contains the extended warranty agreement) and they all have my computer's serial number on it. Not that that's going to help, unless I buy every one of this model that's ever for sale on eBay just to check all their serial numbers. > > Obviously I'm never going to see my computer (or my passport) again. > > It sucks that I'll have to replace them, given the expense and > > hassle involved. I had no insurance on the computer, and I assume > > my debit card didn't provide any sort of theft-reimbursement protection > > for that purchase. > > Well, you can assume that ... BUT it -definitely- won't hurt to check. Worst > they can say is "Hell no! Bwa ha ha, listen to this one, Mort!", which, while > embarrassing, doesn't leave you any worse off. It's unclear from Visa's confusing web site and my bank's crappy Web site whether or not I have any such protection, but if I do, it's limited to $500. That covers the cost of the extended warranty with enough left over for about 1/20th of the computer. Probably just the A and B keys but not C through tilde. So I could use the money to buy a couple of buttons that have a really, really spiffy warranty and then I could install the buttons across from the Museum Of Science so that people could actually see some buttons that actually get repaired when the kids break them. -- K. I think I'm going to replace the computer with a non-portable one. Cheaper, bigger screen, and less likely to spontaneously explode. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2006 18:08:59 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Some sonofabitch has my computer. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If you see three kids wearing hoodies and one's carrying a big > > silver computer with a lot of funny fonts installed on it, shoot > > them for me, will you? > > That's shit, but at least you can get some joy out the fact that I mised out > on something I really wanted today and you can zing me on what you think it > might be. Well, if this is your way of asking for pity sex... I'll tell you "HELL NO!" sometime after I'm done trying to think up a lame zinger I can put here. -- K. I think they changed the title of "Lamezinger" to "Tranzor Z" for the American audience. And don't get me started on "Goldorak". (They love him in France!) ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2006 18:18:19 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Some sonofabitch has my computer. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] impoverished self-employed guy -- that gives you lots of free time > > of one kind, but a lot less of free time of the other kind.) > > "Free Time of the Third Kind" should be a Japanese animated documentary > about the kind of time these punks get for free, involving alien glop- > tentacles, steel gratings, and skimpy, short-skirted sailor outfits. Eh, if we're trying to incorporate cheezy ideas from borderline-fetish Asian B-movies, I vote for Shaw Brothers' "Oily Maniac" to come true, because I've always wanted a living-room tar pit. And then Wil Wheaton might finally come to my birthday party instead of Patrick Stewart's, assuming he wants to re-enact that great scene where Wesley pushed Command Riker into that tar pit. I remember that scene like I actually saw it! -- K. I heard the new digitally-enhanced version of that episode will replace the tar monster with the Surgeon General giving an important warning about the dangers of tar and nicotine. It's a good thing "The Electric Company" has already been released on DVD, now that there's another wave of hysteria about how they need to take the smoking out of all reruns. It's really impressive how many sketches have Bill Cosby costumed as the character of "Bill Cosby smoking a cigar." ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2006 18:44:09 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ...'cause pink Band-Aids just ain't butch. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > On Mon, 03 Oct 2005, James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Remember that great old Don Martin cartoon that showed how to remove > > a Band-Aid? Man, that guy was sick! Whatever happened to him after > > he died? Oh, right, rotting. > > > > From memory, that cartoon went like this: > > > > 1.) Little boy is struggling to peel off his Band-Aid while wincing > > in pain. > > > > 2.) Mommy says "It hurts less if you pull it off really fast!" > > > > 3.) She rips it off. It makes some sound like "PSCHERTAPOIZEETLE!!!!!!!" > > > > 4.) She and the kid look at the two cubes of flesh dangling from > > the back of the used Band-Aid. > > > > I haven't seen that cartoon in about thirty years, but I clearly > > recall the precise cubicalness of the excised flesh. > > I actually have that issue of Mad magazine as I recall this particular > comic quite clearly. Yeah, but I recalled it first, and I probably even made up a better sound effect than the original one, which now that I think about it, was "ZEET!" Go check your collection to see if I won. In unrelated news, I am covered in Band-Aids 'cause I have multiple spots of road rash from a high-speed foot pursuit as the jerk with my computer ran away and I tackled the sidewalk where he wasn't. Luckily I had a box of the giant-size ones (where the white pad is the size of a business card) because the spot on my right knee is that size. (I'm just amazed I managed to rip off that much flesh without tearing my pants!) Although I've only got three relatively small road rash spots, they ache like the dickens, especially the one on the knee because the scab splits into 39 parts every time I bend my leg. And yes, I still want to get a motorcycle so I can experience the good type of road rash. > That is assuming of course that Mom hasn't thrown it away or that > one of my brother's siblings hasn't assumed possession of it > for their own nefarious purposes. I heard that if you fold the Fold-In just right, the entire magazine will curl up into a Klein bottle and fall out of the Universe completely, unless it was a Super Special, in which case it just does stuff you already saw. Remind me again what makes reruns "Super Special"? > Since it's obvious that the only reason I could have been saving a magazine > for so long was to reap the enormous profits that would be mine once it > became a collector's item, the value has likely peaked so the bidding will > start at ONE! MILLION! DOLLARS! Oh sure, it's likely to go down from there > but you have to start somewhere. > > If only I had seen this post back in 2005 I could have reaped the benefits > of having Kibo mention the issue which must have caused the value of the > issue to skyrocket. Why I bet it must have been worth a buck or two at the > time. I heard that some of my year-old articles are now trading for over a trillion Imaginary Internet Dollars, at least according to the Bradford Exchange commercials for those collectors' plates with paintings of eagles dropping my old articles on NASCAR races. I think there's also a Wookiee involved. Recently I found a bootleg DVD that had a Wookie on the cover, flanked by a Clone Trooper and Jango Fett -- one of the various "Star Wars: Episode III" posters. But it's actually a bootleg of a super-sucky movie based on a computer game ("Wing Commander"). And the best part? The title of this mashup of Hayden Christensen and Freddie Prinze Jr. is... "ASTERODID". I keep mis-remembering it as "ASTEROIDOID" because that's a much better title. That would be a movie about something that's like a thing that's like a thing. Maybe it could be the Shaw Brothers' attempt to film the missing parts of "Meteor", where Sean Connery manages to survive his unexplained disappearance because he had some sort of magical force field that protects him from any space rock that's projected at the wrong aspect ratio. They could film it in full ShawScope and then squish it to the width of those deformed special effects from the original "Meteor" and then they could say it was directed by Rabo Karabekian. -- K. "Why is Martin Landau acting like such a jerk? Oh, he took steroids. Fortunately, the antidote to steroids is... asteroids!" YES IT'S THE VONNEGUT/SHAW/LANDAU TRIFECTA! EVERYBODY DISCO WHILE THE MOON BURNS, TURN THE SHIP UPSIDE DOWN, AND USE YOUR THUNDERBOLT FISTS IF YOU'RE EVER FROZEN BY SUPER-ICE! AND DON'T FORGET THAT I'M NOT EVEN MENTIONING THAT I MENTIONED FREDDIE PRINZE JR.! AND NOW I LIKE CAPS! ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2006 18:56:29 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ...'cause pink Band-Aids just ain't butch. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology [concerning some weird magic-revitalization-through-the-power-of-quoting of an article I wrote about duct-tape-colored Band-Aids, or something, and damn you if you don't like my I-think-I-know-how-hyphens-work attitude] Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > Sorry for any confusion that this may have caused. If you can prove > > either financial or emotional trauma due to my unwitting gaff please > > send me the proof of such and I shall DOUBLE YOUR MONKEY BACK! > > A DOUBLE MONKEY REBATE! That's better than Vegas odds! > I've already got their names all picked out, too. > Pericles & Ronald Reagan. How about "Pericles" and "Fudgsicles"? 'Cause Fudgsicles are always funnier than Ronald Reagan, whoever he was. Also, Good Humor Pericles come with Rhesus Pieces. Speaking of hyphens, I just saw a scan of a hundred-year old book whose title was something like "The History Of Japan, In Words Of One Syllable". Their idea of writing in words of one syllable was like this: The his-to-ry of Ja-pan is long and bo-ring, ... It's as if the Daleks and John_-_Winston have teamed up to destroy the concept of actually trying to write the book the cover promises. They could have called it "The History Of Japan, A Book That Dispenses Yummy Candy Forever" and it wouldn't have been any more frau-du-lent. Still, I like the id-ea of mak-ing e-ver-y-thing int-o one syl-lab-le words through the arb-it-rar-y mis-use of hyp-hens. To-day I met a mouse named Al-ger-non!!!!!!!!!! Miss Kinian is real old and the producer stole all my money. Remember to choose to use AT&T of your own free will otherwise someone else will choose for you to use AT&T and you know how that makes you fe-el. THE-END. -- K. Not too obscure enough, or too not obscure enough? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2006 20:31:24 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The librarian is out to get me. Okay, not really. Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > But it sure seems like she is. > > A few months ago, the library elevator was making strange new sounds. > Since this is -bad- for a complex mechanical device, I reported it to a > blonde, middle aged librarian. There's your first problem. You attempted to report on a complex mechanical device to a much simpler mechanical device. Her brain probably froze up just like the last time she thought about sex, in 1971. > She huffed and puffed and was not concerned at all. See, when you make steam come out of the librarian's ears that's a sign that you're stripping her gears, and not in a good way. > I emailed her boss and got a nice, complex, reassuring letter about how > it would be investigated and if needed, I could use the staff elevator. > [1] IT'S A TRICK! DON'T DO IT! If you ever ride in the staff elevator, that makes you LIBRARY STAFF! And then you'll have to deal with Don Saklad! > More recently, I screwed up. I wasn't where I said I would be and my > ride, the mother, wished me paged. Guess who she asked? Unconcerned > About Falling Patrons Woman. My mom was blatantly lied to about the > paging policy. ("Only if it's a medical emergency blah blah blah.") > > Not only that, UAFPW assumed that she, my mom, abandoned a young child > in the children's section. (I'm not young). Then why were you in the toddler section? ...uh... I demand you change the subject RIGHT NOW because I don't want to find out whether you're a deviated prevert. > I was located moment's before the reference desk [2], which was > upstairs, was about to page me. > > [1] Sometimes migraines make stairs impossible. Which ties into the > second story as my mom was concerned that, since I was not at one of > the three familar metting spots due to my incompetence, I had actually > fainted in the stacks. I'd think any part of a library would be bad during a migraine attack -- all those towering shelves of books and they're all different bright colors and they all have lots of lettering and the library basically shoves walls of visual buzz into your face from all directions at all times. Migraines are most tolerable in simpler environments, such as inside a spherical room with matte black walls. And most libraries don't have those, and even if they do, they're usually locked because the librarians are hiding inside so that they won't be exposed to any stimuli because stimuli could make them think about s-e-x. So does the library give you migraines? The library just gives me gas. > [2] The reference desk at the old version of the library was where some > crazy employee was unwilling to listen to the partial information I had > for a book and prevented me from asking another employee later. I > finally had to go to circulation to get help. Every bookstore employee seems to have at least one tale of a customer who doesn't know what the title or author of the novel was, "but it was RED! And about THIS tall!" The next time I have a book published, I'll demand that it be pentagonal and dripping with peanut butter, so that people can ask for the one which is pentagonal and sticky. You can bet your ass that if they ever discover a new primary color, half of all books published during the next year will be that color, to make them all special in the same way. But I call dibs on the sticky pentagon idea, so nobody make your book like that, okay? How did this librarian prevent you from asking the other employee later? Did you get sent back in time so that you could only ask earlier? If so, that's because many libraries now have time machines. The time machine is behind the black spherical room, past the shelf of tetrahedral fizzy books, turn right at the shelf that only has one book on it because it's the shelf for the goopy pentagonal books, go down the spiral staircase that gradually gets tighter and tighter until it turns into a fireman's pole you have to slide down and you'd better be wearing Kevlar pants because it's infinitely narrow at the book and will cut your crotch off, then open the vault where the combination is whatever one of the six combinations of the digits 0, 1, and 9 is the price of this fabulous washer/dryer combo, and inside there will be a library time machine, or possibly just a microfilm machine. They're both equally futuristic, if you're living in the 1920s. Even if it's the children's section of the 1920s, like in "The Yellow Kid". -- K. So does anyone here have a good story about how tiny the library is where they live? I'm a city guy so I'm used to libraries where the Dewey Decimal System goes past 300. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 00:46:19 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: World's best book title! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Seen today at a used-book store: "Wet-Scrape Braintanned Buckskin" Sadly, the book didn't live up to whatever I might have imagined it to be, and I won't tell you what that was, you perverts. I tried to write you folks a story about Spot trying to produce some wet-scrape braintanned buckskin, but the idea sort of ran out of momentum after the part where Spot took out his own brain to squish it all over the buckskin, because after that Spot spent the rest of the story enjoying Archie comics. Then I tried to convert it into "Battlestar: Galactica" fan-fiction all about wet-scrape braintanned Starbuckskin, but the story abruptly ended when I stopped pretending to be writing it. Finally, I tried to just turn the story into an educational adventure of Archie and Jughead learning how to wet-scrape braintanned buckskin, but the hide kept coming out bright orange with cross-hatching all over it, so instead I invented a time machine and went back to the 1950s and killed Archie to keep him from ever getting his own comic book. My time machine is powered by wet-scrape braintanned dilithium, but don't try to figure out what that is, because thinking about it will give you a braintan. -- K. The book "Wet-Scrape Braintanned Buckskin" has since been republished under its new title, "Mozilla Braintanned Firefox". ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 01:31:30 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Braintanning Reveals Secret Of Evil Pope Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology I just posted: > > Seen today at a used-book store: > > "Wet-Scrape Braintanned Buckskin" > > Sadly, the book didn't live up to whatever I might have imagined it to be, > and I won't tell you what that was, you perverts. Because I'm posting from my small emergency backup computer, after I sent that I checked to see if it had shown up on Google Groups, and these possibly-contextually-appropriate ads were displayed next to it: -> Sponsored Links -> -> Richie Rich Comics -> Browse a huge selection now. -> Find exactly what you want today. -> www.ebay.com -> -> Archie Comic Books -> 100,000 Stores. Deals. Reviews. -> Archie Comic Books & More! -> Yahoo.com -> -> The End is Upon us All -> Prepare for it. Revelation reveals -> how & when. Learn Bible prophecy -> www.worldslastchance.com Oh no! Because I said the secret word, "braintanned", Google permitted me a glimpse at the secret that the Earth is doomed to be destroyed unless I click on that Sponsored Linkvertisement to learn the shocking truth from that Sponsored Linkganda and its outpouring of informational Sponsored Linkzophreniac ranting! The site presents a very artistic drawing of a young Tommy Lee Jones and a not-dead-at-the-time-they-last-updated-their-site Pope John Paul II having some sort of conference where Tommy Lee was trying to convince the Pope that he was the President of the United States and not some poorly-drawn actor who only bore a passing resemblance to the President when drawn by someone who's not good at illustrating crazy rants. (Next time, don't hire a sane illustrator!) President Tommy Lee is talking into a Crazy Straw that disguised itself as a microphone, while His Holiness is waiting for the right moment to whack him with one of the two pieces of lumber he keeps stacked in his lap. (Looks to be a one-by-six on top of a four-by-four, bearing in mind that under the New World Order, a one-by-six will technically be a one-by-six-point-six-six.) => To those who dare continue reading, World's Last Chance => may sound preposterous, if not reckless, ...but only if I read it aloud. I am careful not to move my lips when I go out of my way to read wacko rants, unless I've first ascertained that there are no heavily-armed air marshals on the flight with me. => [...] => => By honoring, Sunday, originated by Satan through the papacy, => you are preparing to receive the mark of the beast. And, it's a, comma! Sinners, re, pent! I know all this information is true because the Web site has a fancy masthead featuring an animation of a rotating Earth with a rotating cube inside it. A cuuuuuuube! God's holy TimeCube of squareness! And every several seconds, a cute little animated lightning bolt blows up the whole masthead, except for the Earth, which keeps rotating, with the six billion people on it blissfully unaware that they live on a planet where the Atlantic Ocean is only about ten miles wide and Australia has bunny ears. Also, I think Thailand has testicular cancer. If you need further proof that the incomprehensible non-sequiturs on this Web site add up to a pattern of non-logic which is obviously true, behold the irrefutable proof of two numbers being within only a few dozen percent of each other: => 1. USA came to existence around 1798: [...] I heard that nobody's told John Paul II yet that the Boston Tea Party just happened, sometime around the eighteenth or nineteenth or twentieth centuries. I sure hope someone tells him before he dies, 'cause it would be a shame if someone as important as the Antichrist died and crazy people had to change the bad artwork on their Web sites. => THE BIBLE REVEALS NEXT AND LAST POPE WILL BE A DEVIL => IMPERSONATING JOHN PAUL II Just 'cause Zombie John Paul II's going to blow up the Earth sometime around 1998 doesn't mean that he'll be the last pope. Can you prove there are no Popes on Mars? -- K. Beware the mark, of the beast, the comma which, is a period with, the devil's tail! ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 02:13:47 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Further research into the word "braintanning" Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology In response to my article on braintanning, Google suggested I check this out: > > -> The End is Upon us All > -> Prepare for it. Revelation reveals > -> how & when. Learn Bible prophecy > -> www.worldslastchance.com I did a little digging, and turned up a press release sent out by the founder of that site, revealing not only his real name, but also the fact that he likes to characterize himself as a "mysterious Egyptian tycoon". I should try that line: KIBO: The world is going to end because the Earth's two moons are going to collide, first the purple one, then the plaid one! RATIONAL PERSON: That's somewhat implausible. KIBO: But I'm a Mysterious Egyptian Tycoon! RATIONAL PERSON: Wow! I am now completely gullible due to you being both mysterious and a tycoon! Here, have even more money! [express-press-release.com] => => Mysterious Egyptian tycoon launches sixty-four thousand dollar => question- who sanctioned Sunday as God`s holy Sabbath day => => Released on = February 1, 2006, 1:30 am => => Press Release Author = Galal Doss => => Industry = Education => => Press Release Summary = Egyptian businessman Galal Doss => officially offers $64,000 to any individual who can prove the => Bible shows that Christ or any one of his disciples sanctioned => the transfer of the holy Sabbath from Saturday to Sunday. => Mr Doss is determined to show the world that major religious => figures, including many Popes of Rome, have been misleading => their followers, and hopes this initiative will encourage => Christians to challenge received wisdom on the subject. [...] In case you're wondering, he is the CEO of a cosmetics company, and currently owns nearly four million shares (about a quarter) of the Cross pen company. The Cross logo is just the word "CROSS" in block letters. But a few years ago, it was slightly more complicated -- it was the word "CROSS" surrounded by... a crescent. Now the crescent's gone, but the Cross logo still has no damn cross. Coincidence... or penspiracy? Will it still count as the Mark Of The Beast if I write it with a Bic Banana? What if Charles Nelson Reilly dresses up as a giant banana and prances around singing and worshipping the false idol of the Bic Banana? What if he uses one to write the Mark Of The Beast on a blue card as the answer to a "Match Game '76" question? Would that make him win the $64,000 prize, and if so, would some other guy on "The $64,000 Question" win a seventy-six dollar prize? Why is Charles Nelson Reilly still on my TV? -- K. I will pay $64,001 to anyone who can prove I am the Antichrist. $64,002 if they can get Charles Nelson Reilly to hold up a card saying "KIBO IS THE ANTICHRIST" on a "Match Game '76" rerun. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 02:41:49 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Another title that the content couldn't live up to... Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Headline recently posted to Metafilter.com: "Senators cave on torture" Now, the obvious implication is that the Ottawa Senators were beating up the Toronto Maple Leafs in one of the lower levels of the Diefenbunker. But, sadly, the article just turned out to be something about the United States realizing we don't have to follow the Geneva Convention because we're not in Geneva. Not one mention of a secret Canadian torture cave. What's wrong with the world when all other professional sports teams have secret torture caves, but not the Senators? -- K. Caves are cool. And damp. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 15:07:48 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Further research into the word "braintanning" Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Why is Charles Nelson Reilly still on my TV? > > You got the enhanced version, remember? Oh, so that's why the phaser beams he fires from his giant eyeglasses look mechanically-generated and not hand-drawn. I forgot that starting last weekend they were rebroadcasting all those episodes with new computer-animated effects in place of things like that rubber Neanderthal mask Gene Rayburn used to wear. > Have you tried rolling over him with the Katamari Damacy bumpyball? No, because I can't play it on my tiny little Nintendo DS, and even if I could, it would suck because games that involve detailed 3-D things aren't a lot of fun to play on such a tiny screen. The DS is really good for old-school 2-D games -- I love "Pac-Pix" and the various "WarioWare" games -- but it's painful trying to focus your eyes on something like "Pac'N'Roll". And don't get me started on the GameBoy Advance versions of "Simpsons Road Rage" and "Tron 2.0", which rank right up there with the Atari 2600 "Tempest" prototype on the list of "Ports They Should Have Known Better Than To Attempt". So, anyway, I don't have anything I can play Katamari Damacy on. When the Nintendo Wii comes out, assuming I have more cash resources by then, I might buy one, and then I could at least play GameCube games like "Burnout 2" (I only like the crash mode -- it's fun to try to cause the worst highway tragedy in human history!) but I don't have (or plan to acquire) any Sony game hardware, just 'cause Katamari Damacy is the only Sony-platform game I'm even remotely interested in. Sony's platforms have the most computing power, but Nintendo has stuff where you get to doodle on the screen and vomit goldfish at girls. This means you should buy me a PlayStation 3 so that you'll be allowed to tell me what to do to Charles Nelson Reilly with the Katamari Damacy ballwad. -- K. I heard Charles Nelson Reilly has authorized a "Match Game '76 2K6" game for the Nintendo Wii-Wii. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 15:15:09 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Further research into the word "braintanning" Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I did a little digging, and turned up a press release sent out by > > the founder of that site, revealing not only his real name, but also > > the fact that he likes to characterize himself as a "mysterious > > Egyptian tycoon". > > Not the one who owns Harrod's? No, that's a different crazy Egyptian tycoon, and that's assuming he even is crazy, which is a pretty safe assumption because once Diana Spencer marries into your family all her new relatives are automatically crazy, especially if any of them produced the terrible Spielberg movie "Hook" in which Robin Williams takes forever to get to the fireworks factory. (I heard the working title for that film was "Pedo Pan".) What does this have to do with the ancient art of braintanning, and why isn't Charles Nelson Reilly mentioned in this sentence? -- K. It's too bad the U.S. doesn't have anything like Harrod's. We don't even have the West Edmonton Mall. I say we should annex Canada and England to improve our shopping experience. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 15:31:09 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The librarian is out to get me. Okay, not really. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Every bookstore employee seems to have at least one tale of a customer > > who doesn't know what the title or author of the novel was, "but it > > was RED! And about THIS tall!" > > I -still- have never been able to find what the little end-bound green > paperback was that Ariel Booksellers had that one summer that was all > about underground conceptual art movements, using the term "info-art" to > describe online conceptual art. That was a typo. They meant to abbreviate it "infart". Knowing that "infart" is a portmanteau neologism (or, as I like to call it, a portmantogism) should be your clue: You're looking for something written by Forrest Ackerman, such as the filler in "Perry Rhodan #698: Planet Of The Infart". Follow the trail of portmantogism, but try not to get any of it on you. > I have no idea why I didn't just buy it. Because every time you buy a book, they have to grind up another tree to replace that book because otherwise there would be a blank space on the bookstore shelf and weirdos would write their own books and put them there. It's all about how cultural orthodoxy is more important than vegetation. This is why I eat nothing but meat. And pretzels. Because they're twisted. Last night I found that Shalom Hunan (Glatt Kosher) had chiseled the "Glatt Kosher" off their sign and changed the rest of their sign to "Zoe's". Now that they've become a non-kosher restaurant, they serve yummy pork. My favorite entree on their menu is the "sliced duck and young bamboo shoots with funny pepper", because I find funny pepper hilariously delicious. Interestingly, when the check came, it said "Shalom Beijing", because Shalom Hunan was Shalom Beijing for a few months before becoming the yummy-pork-filled Zoe's. Their version of suan la chow show is delicious (I think they call it something like "pork dumplings in spicy sauce".) Remember, every time you buy a book, a tree is destroyed, and somewhere a restaurant becomes less kosher. -- K. I like kosher food, but I like pork better. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 15:37:33 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The librarian is out to get me. Okay, not really. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > a lecturer at Waikato had a story of shamefacedly taking a photocopy > of a single page of a journal article -- no author, no title, no > journal name -- to a reference librarian and asking for help. > > she recognised the publisher from the layout and typeface, they > figured out some keywords between them, and something like five > minutes later the original was in his hands. > > librarians and teachers are AWESOMENESS walking the earth. But there are only two typefaces -- Arial and Verdana. This guy was lucky he picked a page from the only thing printed in the other one. It's too bad this wasn't last century, when they still had as many as five different typefaces, and when pinball machines existed. Back then there were only two shapes of Lucky Charms marshmallows (pink hearts, and pinkish heart-shaped stars) and they hadn't yet added Shemp to the Two Stooges. Also, it was the Golden Age Of TV, when all TV programs were hilarious right up until the point where you were old enough to watch TV the first time. -- K. "Daddy, what was a photocopy?" ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 16:01:07 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The librarian is out to get me. Okay, not really. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology [regarding Lots42's exciting tale of library visitation] Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > Then why were you in the toddler section? > > > > ...uh... > > > > I demand you change the subject RIGHT NOW because I don't want to > > find out whether you're a deviated prevert. > > The kid's section was where they used to keep the graphic novels. And > some of these novels were GRAPHIC. Impalements were common in the > Ultimate Spiderman series, for example. Seems you couldn't go two pages > without someone getting their guts torn out, literally. Biiiiiig deal. I've read the "Koroshiya Ichi" manga. I was impressed by how much Takashi Miike toned the violence down for the movie. Also, I once had a copy of the only issue of "DESTROY!!", THE LOUDEST COMIC BOOK IN THE UNIVERSE. Thank goodness nobody was hurt! "DESTROY!!" was later reprinted in 3-D, but I only had the original 2-D version. I no longer have it, because I had to leave it behind when I moved because it wouldn't fit through the door. It was drawn by Scott McCloud, who was drawn by Alex Toth, except for his lips. > The graphic novels are now in the teen section. The teen section has > large, nice signs which basically boil down to 'You can come in here to > look for a book if you're an adult but no lingering, you dirty bastard > you'. The kid's section never had any such signs. That's 'cause kids can't read. Especially the ones in libraries. Science has yet to come up with a proper international pictogram for "NO WEIRDOS ALLOWED IN THE LIBRARY", 'cause not everyone can recognize a crossed-out smiley shaped like Don Saklad. Plus, he wouldn't like having to paint his head yellow to match his smiley. > [...] > > > So does the library give you migraines? The library just gives me gas. > > No, the library does not give me migraines. No further questions. However, your honor, I request to begin badgering the witness. > [...] > > > So does anyone here have a good story about how tiny > > the library is where they live? I'm a city guy so I'm used to > > libraries where the Dewey Decimal System goes past 300. > > The old library could fit, with lots of room, inside one of the floors > of the new library. Bbbbbbbbbbiggggggggg deal. I've been in sex-toy stores that could fit in the aisle between two shelves of your library, and probably often did, when nobody was looking. Also, there's a bootleg video store in New York's Chinatown that only has room for one customer at a time -- that's where I bought a DVD that promised me Freddie Prinze Jr., Chewbacca, and Jason starring in "Asterodid", which unfortunately turned out to be a movie that didn't contain Chewbacca, Jason, or any sort of asteroidoidoid. -- K. I will pay a trillion dollars to the first person who makes a film about Chewbacca fighting Jason on an astererioioid. Note: I said "a film", not "a waste of everyone's time on YouTube". It must be 90 minutes long and something I can buy in a real movie store somewhere underneath Chinatown. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 16:16:35 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bio-TERROR in America: The Government of Torture! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology poetry4justice@yahoo.com wrote: > > AMERICA IN DANGER of its own out-of-control Bio-Terror: > Is 1984 here? Or cripping... God help us, > blinded! > Originally Secret Bio-Aerosols are misused to HARM and Torture in > U=2ES.A. patterns, person teresting trouble making a Dear who in has period in com ter because you're arranges words your pu a bozo period. > Our government needs TORTURE in U.S.? See details > below... > It has your VOTE, support? Abused... for power-grab or > vicy-terror! BEWARE! THE GOMMERVINT IS SECRETLY PLANNING TO SMEAR VICY-HOT ALL OVER YOUR UNDERPANTS!!! > CRITICS (political/social/cultural) are harassed and secretly > persecuted > along with their KIDS in schools/colleges, especially, during > tests/exams > (Think: Guantanamo "stress-positions" in the context of > 1984-technologies) > Female FBI-informers are coerced > and abused! Discrimination is wrong. Everybody should be coerced and abused equally. In alphabetical order. Sincerely, famous entertainer Z. Z. Kibo. > [...] > > Echo-location/wire-tapping used to turn rooms/homes into cages! "Mommy, mommy, the dolphin from NBC's 'seaQuest DSV' is spying on me!" "Don't worry, he's only pretend, like that 'Roy Scheider' guy made out of old baseball gloves dipped in chocolate pudding." > Say "Stop, I care" - call Senate (202) 224-3121 > House of Representatives (202) 225-3121 > What IS going on in America? *Print and > Post* > Manufacturing of FEAR to grab more Power and Money, of course. > Tragedy IS used to Power Graib, while Fear is molded into profit! > > Big Brother spins protection... > And fear is used to clamp. > Democracy needs action! > On which side do you stand? YAY, it's a clang association being used in place of a rhyme! This gives me another square on my official Crazy Person Bingo board! > [...] > > There is NO good use for evil torture! > No matter how the need is spinned > By Nixon's men, as bloody sergeants, > While truth is painfully re-skinned. > > V. Haryk-Bukovynsky =A9 VMH So now that I've read your signature, do I get pi-over-two percent off at Amazon? -- K. You are so anine! ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 16:26:23 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Admit you love it! Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > Or else! > 3117 recipes for eggplant: > http://www.aubergines.org/recipes.php > Does it get any better than this? I THINK NOT! > You eggplant bashers will rue the day you said "Eww, eggplant"! > Retract your "Eww, eggplant" or I'll post > one recipe a day for the next...um...(19 divided by 20, carry the 2... > factor the sum, multiply by pi...count toes...) > One! Million! Years! That's excellent, except then you said: > My kitchen counter is awash in sea of large dark purple pods. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! The good eggplants are skinny and bright purple, because they come from Chinatown, or little white egg-shaped things from the Thai corner of Chinatown, which are the old reason you're allowed to call those bloated blackish things from Italy "eggplant". The Asian eggplants are even better than your lame Italian ones. Skinny eggplants mean more of that delicious skin per pound. Plus, they're the same color as electrified argon, but they taste better. I demand you replace your kitchen counter with one that's awash in skinny bright purple Asian eggplants so you'll know what the world's foremost eggplant tastes like. Also try the teensy Thai ones you don't even have to cut up. Those work so much better in curry than any other kind. -- K. Next you'll tell me that cucumbers are a million times better than a Chinese bitter gourd. Go ahead and tell me that so I can agree. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 16:52:30 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Not to drink while wacky parsing TV commercials Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > It is a bad idea to be drinking brown liquids while sorting laundry > and wacky parsing television commercials. > > Another product, the name of which was repeated several times during > this commercial, had me spewing Diet Coke all over the clean laundry, > and nearly choking on Diet Coke each time they repeated the name. > > The name of the product is "The Bell and Howell Power Pro", apparently > some sort of backup light source like you see as emergency lights. > Every time they said the name, though, it sounded like "The Bell and > Howell Bowel Towel". Well, see, you could have just mopped up all those brown stains if you had thought to buy a Bell & Howell Bowel Towel. They made fine 8mm movie cameras suitable for all but the most discriminating lovers of snuff movies, and now they make the Bowel Towel. It has a long string on each end. You tie one to a doorknob, you swallow the other, you wait two days, and then you can use the towel to floss your insides clean -- and the towel's big enough so that even after you clean your intenstines with it, you'll still have a corner left over to use on your face. The Bell & Howell Bowel Towel, only available from this special offer! I recently saw a pair of cheap-ass pliers (as opposed to cheap ass-pliers) in Chinatown with a blazon on the package, "LIKE SEEN ON TV". Never before has the difference between "like" and "as" been so important, at least to the buyers of Chinese ass-pliers. Bell & Howell's Ass Pliers are the best ones, because those come with the foot stirrups for extra leverage. -- K. Also, after doing some important Google research, I think you got your Black & Decker PowerPro food processor mixed in with your Bell & Howell solar-powered flood lights. I tried looking at a page that sells the floodlights, and the picture of them was a rectangle that said: -> Your connection speed is: NaNkb/sec 00:00 It's interesting that Black & Decker has gone into the kitchen-gadget business. I guess they finally realized that men who know a lot about power tools think Black & Decker is a girly-girl brand. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 17:27:42 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Another news story that doesn't live up to its headline Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology [seattletimes.nwsource.com] -> -> Wal-Mart to sell 300 drugs for $4 Now let me write the non-dissapointing version: "Wal-Mart to sell 300 drugs for $4?" said Spot, "Cool!" He traipsed merrily down the street to his local Wal-Mart SuperCenter (past the Target Greatland and the Shitty K-Mart) and plunked down four well-wrinkled dollar bills. The clerk handed him what looked like a giant Whitman's Sampler box filled with alphabetized drugs. Spot tore the wrapper off and started swallowing them, with the prettiest ones first. Then his head exploded. This has been an Associated Press report, with additional information pulled from my ass. -- K. Hmm, at $4, this means that a vial of drugs is cheaper than an actual box of candy. I'd definitely rather have the candy, but Whitman's needs to get those prices down. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 18:10:00 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Thomas Kinkade Paints Graceland to Commemorate 50th Anniversary of Elvis's Purchase Newsgroups: alt.gossip.celebrities,alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.dake-bonoism,rec.arts.fine Followup-To: alt.elvis.king,alt.gossip.celebrities,rec.arts.fine In alt.gossip.celebrities, alt.religion.kibology, alt.religion.dake-bonoism, and rec.arts.fine, "marty" (moon7332@bellsouth.net) wrote: > > [...] > > The last thing I need to do is debate with a smart-ass. Ladies and gentlemen, as of today there's another sticker on the Internet's back bumper. Well done, Lowercase Marty -- if that _is_ your real name -- and thank you for coming up with the hot new catchphrase for everyone's enjoyment. Your "The last thing I need to do is debate with a smart-ass" T-shirt is in the mail. Sorry about the size, but because this is the Internet, I had to guess. -- K. If Dan Quayle had said "The last thing I need to do is debate with a smart-ass," he'd be President. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 19:59:40 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: New rule! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology [apnews.myway.com] -> -> GURNEE, Ill. (AP) -- Why wait in line when you can just eat a -> cockroach? That's the question Six Flags Great America is asking -> its thrill seekers during its Halloween-themed FrightFest. The -> amusement park is daring customers to eat a live Madagascar -> hissing cockroach in exchange for unlimited line-jumping privileges. I hereby declare that I am also implementing that rule at Kibo's Imaginary College Food Service. Those of you who want to skip the sixty-minute wait in the dinner line will just have to eat a live, poisonous cockroach and then you may have the delicious entree of your choice if you're still hungry after eating a bitter, wriggling live creepy-crawly with a fingernail-like shell and cold, gooey insides. Also, from now on, the only flavor of ice cream at dessert will be Secret Ipecac Ripple. The secret will be whether the Ipecac is in the ripples or in the stuff between the ripples. Also, every scoop will be topped with delicious Syrup Of Ipecac and a cherry. A live cherry. A live Madagascar hissing cherry. -> The promotion, which has Lake County Health Department officials -> shaking their heads, starts Oct. 7. Hey, eating a raw insect which lives in shit is probably still less risky than actually going on any of the rides at Six Flags. Me, I'm only going to go to cockroach-free amusement parks, like Black Flags. -- K. The only way I'd eat a live bug at the abusement park is if they would let me bring my own condiments, and if one of those condiments is a loaded gun I could use to threaten the carnies into letting me jump the line without eating the roach. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 22:18:46 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Admit you love it! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] The Asian > > eggplants are even better than your lame Italian ones. Skinny eggplants > > mean more of that delicious skin per pound. Plus, they're the same > > color as electrified argon, but they taste better. > > They are indeed very yummy. Rather mild, sweet and much more tender. They just don't have any parts with that Styrofoam-like texture of the middles of the huge Italian ones. But they require a little more care to cook because of the relatively higher proportion of skin -- I'm sure you already know that with any purple eggplant, if you overcook 'em the skin gets bitter. The tiny white Thai ones don't seem to have that problem. That's why you can cook 'em by boiling them for a long time in soup or curry. They just gradually soften up. But it can be hard to find those in stores (I mean the ones that are the size of cherry tomatoes or smaller -- the egg-sized ones are more common and have many of the same advantages, but aren't small enough to put in soup whole.) Most grocery stores with a Thai aisle will have jars of marble-size eggplants, but I've never even considered trying those -- it just seems like canned eggplant must be much inferior to fresh eggplant. I think even Trader Joe's used to have Thai curry packets which contained one or two cherry-tomato-sized eggplants (cut in half) in every serving. Of course they discontinued them, because apparently they needed to make room for more kinds of scones. Seriously, who eats scones? Especially in a city where you can get all sorts of good bagels and bialys? > [...] > > The addition of the chinese chile paste is nicely spicy with just a tad of > lip tingle for hotness which works very well with the semi-sweetness. The > flavor was very unexpected and very good. I think you'd like it. I've had Asian eggplant with chili-garlic-sweet sauce many times. Most Chinese restaurants will have "yu shiang eggplant" as one of their vegetarian options. You can get ready-made yu shiang sauce in a jar if you don't feel like mixing the various seasonings yourself -- most Asian grocery stores will have an aisle of sauce jars where all you need to do is buy the meat or vegetables and then add the sauce. (Not that any of the sauces are hard to make from scratch, but it saves having to scrounge up tiny quantities of each of a dozen ingredients.) As an added bonus, any of the dozens of flavors of premixed sauces makes a great dip for chicken nuggets or fried noodles. I used to be able to get instant ramen bowls that included a large packet of chopped eggplant in chili sauce. Those were great, but the Little Cook eggplant flavor vanished from all my local Asian grocery stores several years ago. It was one of the few kinds of ramen bowl that actually had three-dimensional chunks of organic matter. > > -- K. > > > > Next you'll tell me that > > cucumbers are a million > > times better than a > > Chinese bitter > > gourd. Go ahead and tell > > me that so I can agree. > > Okey dokey. But only because I haven't tried a Chinese bitter gourd. > (How bitter are they?) Although you're an evil formattingfuckerupper, I will tell you anyway: They aren't bitter at all and are truly sweet and you should immediately take a big bite of a raw one to experience how delicious it is. -- K. All the names of Chinese vegetables are lies. For instance, "poison spikes fruit" is actually a vegetable, and "thumbtack- filled radioactive squash" is only radioactive when it knows you're within a thousand feet of it. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 22:56:26 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The hole in my knee. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Because some have asked, here's an update on the injuries I sustained a week and a half ago, the night I was robbed: My left hand is healing okay. I think it's going to have a little scar on the palm. My left knee still has a giant grape-colored bruise on it, but it's fading. Now that I'm 39, the bruises just don't heal as rapidly as they did when I was 29. My right knee is still an icky mess, where the scab hurts a lot every time I move my leg and the scab cracks. It's healing, but it's slow and unpleasant. The scab is down to only about an inch across so hopefully by next week it'll be officially not icky any more. My limp is almost gone, since the knee doesn't hurt as intensely as last week. The scab smells funny, because of all the iodine it soaked up. Iodine plus pus is not a happy smell -- attention Air-Wick: Please do not invent an "iodiney pus" room odorizer, no matter what Hans Conreid tells you. I don't see how I came to the conclusion that I ripped the skin off that knee without tearing my pants. The day after I posted that I somehow did that, I discovered a large hole in the knee of the pants, its edges stiff with dried blood. I guess I was just too upset to be able to see a black hole in black fabric late at night. -- K. And I still have not bought any of those stupid duct tape bandages, which seem to be still on the market because somebody must think they're not such a waste of money. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 23:08:48 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Boston Public Library Reading Room In The News Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) spotted this: [news.yahoo.com] -> -> U.S. map thief resented prestigious libraries: court Well, then, we know it couldn't have been Don Saklad. He doesn't think the Boston Public Library is "prestigious". He just breaks in there for other reasons. -> By Jason Szep -> Fri Sep 22, 9:36 AM ET -> -> A dealer of antique treasures who admitted stealing more than -> $3 million in rare maps was resentful of the world's top libraries -> and acted to finance his rich tastes and rising debt, -> prosecutors said on Thursday. -> -> Shedding light into why Edward Forbes Smiley III stole 98 of the -> world's most precious maps over seven years, papers filed in -> Connecticut's U.S. District Court said he initially acted -> because he felt he had been wronged and slighted. And here is the mug shot of Edward Forbes Smiley III: +---------+ _____________________________________________________ | | / \ | :-) | ___/ HEWWO, THIS IS TOO OBVIOUS TO BE CLEVER! BYE NOW! / | | \_____________________________________________________/ +---------+ -> [...] -> -> He was arrested after a keen-eyed library staffer noticed a -> dropped X-Acto knife blade on the floor. This is why thieves should always bring Tweety Bird scissors to the library. Because nobody ever suspects the man with the Tweety Bird scissors. -> "He explained that his initial thefts were acting out of -> resentment toward persons at certain institutions that he -> believed had wronged him, individuals who he believed had -> slighted him or used certain of his research without -> accreditation," prosecutors wrote. Hmm. Half Don Saklad, half Kurt Stocklmeir. I suppose it makes sense, because they each have a "K" in their name, and anyone with a "K" in their name must be some sort of dangerous lunatic. -- K. If he had completed his mission to steal all the world's most important maps, we'd be lost now. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2006 00:17:34 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Trying to identify a Chinese board game... Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Recently I've been playing a lot of Chinese chess (the one with the elephants and the cannons and the river.) I like it better than Western chess or Japanese chess because the strategy's more comprehensible, and the games are pretty quick. I was in New York's Chinatown looking for a better chess set, and I came across a portable version of another Chinese game that I can't identify... It's a game I've only ever seen in one shop, so it's nowhere near as common as Chinese chess, go, or "airplane chess". Can anyone here tell me the name of this game, or better yet, tell me where to get the rules in English? It has 25 red pieces and 25 black pieces, each labelled with two Chinese characters. The board has a complicated layout with a lot of writing on it (like a more complex version of a Chinese chessboard -- there are two mountains in the middle.) The box lid: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_09_chinese_game_0271.jpg Some of the pieces: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_09_chinese_game_0273.jpg One end of the board: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_09_chinese_game_0275.jpg My Chinese vocabulary is only good enough to find "pork" on a menu or figure out whether a bootleg DVD claims to have subtitles, and of course I can read the names of normal Chinese chess pieces, but most of these characters are unfamiliar to me. (I'm also more used to Traditional Chinese, not Simplified Chinese.) I'm hoping it's some sort of ancient Chinese knockoff of Stratego, with miners and bombs and elephants too. -- K. I also still don't understand why "airplane chess" has airplanes in it, given that it's just scaled-down Parcheesi (that is, a clone of Hasbro's Trouble.) But it seems to be popular enough that there are "airplane chess" sets in most shops that have board games. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2006 01:05:12 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Oh, never mind, I found it. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology I just wrote: > > I was in New York's Chinatown looking for a better chess set, and > I came across a portable version of another Chinese game that I can't > identify... It's a game I've only ever seen in one shop, so it's > nowhere near as common as Chinese chess, go, or "airplane chess". Know how you only ever find something right after you give up looking for it? That happened here. I couldn't find any information on the mystery game while blundering about Google or Wikipedia, and so I posted my request for assistance, and moved on to reading about something else, and lo and behold, I blundered across this: Chinese army chess -- rules http://www.chessvariants.org/oriental.dir/tezhi.html That's the one. Turns out that the funny-looking striped lines on the board are a railway system. And yes, it has bombs like Stratego! (Apparently Stratego was developed from this game, though Stratego doesn't have the railroads and missiles.) The link above has information on several variants of the rules, but I don't know which variant is the most canonical. That site also has photos of two sets that are prettier than mine: Chinese army chess -- photos http://www.chessvariants.org/d.photo/chinarmy/index.html Mine's really cheap, in a plain clear plastic box, with hollow plastic pieces and the usual board printed on trash-bag plastic. No nice artwork of people firing guns, or tanks crushing protesters. I'd love to have one of the sets with violent box art, wooden pieces, and the little pictures of soldiers and bombs on the pieces (so I could actually play it with people like me who can't read enough Chinese.) -- K. BOOM!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2006 19:19:11 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Special Gym! Waaah! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > I'm sure many here will remember when Kibo told us about his memories > of special gym, during which he was forced to play special versions of > regular gym games like dodge ball. Or maybe you only remember laughing > and pointing. "HAW HAW! SPECIAL GYM!" You talk pretty tough for someone who has quote marks around _all_ three words of his real name! There was no dodgeball in Special Gym. Special Gym didn't really involve any supervision or organization (except for when they let the older kids supervise us) -- it was basically, "Okay, kids, this is the gym, there's some balls and stuff in that closet, now kill time in this big room for half an hour so you'll grow up to be hefty like me, your gym teacher, who will be doing paperwork in his office while you mill about aimlessly." > I think I was a laugher and a pointer, because from what I recalled of > grade school, I was never very good at sports, and occasionally didn't > understand what I was supposed to be doing, but I just played the same > games the other kids played. WITh them, even. So when all the other kids got into Pokemon, did you have to wear a Pikachu costume so they'd play with you? > BUT! > > I was talking to my mother the other day and she mentioned that when I > was in first or second grade, the school wanted to put me into special > gym. ME! In special gym! All because apparently, instead of catching > the ball like other kids, I would let it bounce off my head and *then* > clap my hands together, when the ball was long gone. Now I want to write a great science fiction story where aliens challenge the human race to a game of dodgeball where the winners get to rule the Universe but the aliens cause a time warp so that the humans are always ten seconds behind so they only try to catch the ball ten seconds after I hit them and now I can't write it because I just realized this was already an episode of "UFO". It's the one where Straker spends the whole episode taking speed, not to be confused with the one about the joys of LSD or the ones where nothing happened. > I'm not sure I like this retroactive demotion to special gym. I'm not > taking this well! Then we'll have to put you in Special Taking until you learn to take, take, TAKE like a normal child! Other things from your past that you don't remember: * You designed the "Mod Podge" label in 1962. * You wrote the book "Twiggy, The Abandoned Diabetic Dog" but was upset that the publisher changed the third "n" in the title to a "b". * In 1964, 1966, 1968, 1970, 1972, 1974, 1975, 1976, 1979, 1980, 1982, 1985, 1986, 1989, 1992, 1994, 1996, 1997, 1999, 2001, 2003, 2004, and 2004, you redrew the "Mod Podge" label but made sure it still looked exactly the same. * You appeared in the background of one scene of the original "Star Wars" as an Imperial Stormtrooper who stubs his toe, then yells, "Carrie! Oh shit, I just farted on Starbuck!" * You digitally removed all evidence of Ted Danson's ghost from "Three Men And A Baby" and inserted it into one of the "Cheers" episodes they made after he died. * You once made a Fluffernutter from a hollowed-out apple and Mod Podge. * To see if you could get away with evil, in kindergarten you stole one random crayon you didn't even need, and you broke all the other crayons in the box to make sure none of them could tattle on you. * You once uncovered the secret that "Special Gym" was really just study hall without the desks or the books or the studying. * In 1981, you got your hand stuck in a vending machine while you were trying to buy a Chinese finger trap. * Then, in 1982, when you finally succeeded in buying a Chinese finger trap, you got your fingers stuck in it, and cried, "Waah! I have Chinese fingers! Now I have to learn to use chopsticks!" * And then, in 1983, you got lost in the woods, and starved to death after you had to use your chopsticks to start a campfire. * You took your SpongeBob SquarePants action figure to White Castle and told them to put him on a bun to see what a yellow White Castle would say when you ate it. * In Special Gym, you covered the wrestling mats with Mod Podge, but the gym teacher knew you were the one who did it because you were the only student in Special Gym. Hope this helps! Unlike Special Gym, which never helped anybody do anything. You never hear anyone saying, "YAY! I just won the Olympics because of that half an hour of Special Gym when I was six!" -- K. What is your obsession with Mod Podge? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2006 19:26:58 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Special Gym! Waaah! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > I was talking to my mother the other day and she mentioned > > that when I was in first or second grade, the school wanted to > > put me into special gym. ME! In special gym! All because > > apparently, instead of catching the ball like other kids, I would > > let it bounce off my head and *then* clap my hands > > together, when the ball was long gone. > > Geez, just a bad case of hand/eye miscoordination, meaning you were > destined to be a drummer. Hmm, that explains why I was always a beat behind everyone else in the taiko workshop. Special Gym made me uncoordinated! And yet I can get a trillion points at any video game or pinball game. I just don't have any coordination when it comes to drums. I should find a shooting range. Been a long time since I practiced bullseyes. Anyway, Mark, don't feel too bad for Talysman. He's old enough now that if he wants a ball, he can just go buy one. Catching balls is for kids, and those baseball guys who aren't smart enough to figure out that their chances of catching the ball would double if they wore more than one glove. -- K. I'm donating a bunch of money to my local school so they can buy some Segways in order to teach Special Driver's Ed. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2006 19:33:11 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New Age Etiquette Mavens Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > [...] > > A chyk on her cellphone in Walmart in the check out line: > " So I told that whore she had no manners an' if she couldn't > say somethin nice then shut the fuck up already". Haw haw, you shop at Wal-Mart with the cast of "My Name Is Earl". Us big-city folk only shop at swanky stores what have real class, like Target and the Super 88 Supermarket and that goldfish store that has the bootleg videos. -- K. At least because this isn't 1987 she didn't yell "Hey, guess where I'm calling you from? WAL-MART!" version=3.1.0 ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 24 Sep 2006 15:14:21 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Special Gym! Waaah! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Alan Truism (alan.truism@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I don't believe they had anything like special gym when I was in school, > though if they had I would have benefited from it greatly. It's never too late to start. I'll see if I can find you that catalog of elementary-school gym supplies I discovered back when we were talking about the horrors of "Super Pinkies". Okay, go here: --> http://www.usgames.com You'll need a vaulting box, a pommelhorse, some Super Pinkies, a bunch of those deck tennis rings nobody can think of a use for, a parachute, an Earth ball, bean bags, and a balance beam. Then just try very hard not to think up a lesson plan of any sort, and whatever you do, don't invent any fun new game requiring all those items at the same time. The U.S. Games catalog no longer has Super Pinkies brand balls, just a generic "pinky composition sponge ball". The difference is that they're not so super, thanks for asking. Another new catalog item is Economy Cones. They're like safety cones, except instead of keeping you out of unsafe areas, they keep you out of overpriced areas. I bet FAO Schwarz doesn't have any of those. Anyway, you should set up your own Special Gym room at home. You could use it to repurpose the Primal Scream room you installed in the '70s, assuming you're living in Dyan Cannon's old house. Are you? One gossip columnist claimed that Dyan Cannon did so much primal-scream yelling in her pink padded room that her cat went deaf. I'm not sure how she could tell the cat hadn't just decided to ignore her forever. -- K. I never understood what Cary Grant saw in her. Do other extremely gay leading men like women whose big hair still doesn't conceal their giant foreheads? Hmm... Tom Cruise... Nicole Kidman... ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 24 Sep 2006 17:38:31 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Beef Chekhov Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > One of those generic radio commercials has been on the radio a bunch lately > pushing beef and at the end it says that it was sponsored by the Beef > Chekhov. The Beef Chekhov, a concept very nearly too wonderful for words > and in need of further contemplation. I'd prefer Beef Cherenkov. It would boil itself and make its own glowing blue razzleberry gravy. Why is there no luminescent blue food? Another commercial with a mumbly spokesman: Late at night there are all these TV commercials for some placebo called "FocusFactor". Every time the guy says the name of the company, "VitalBasics", I hear "IdleBasics", and I think I'd rather have something made by people who are _advanced_ idlers. Also, every time I hear "Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead!" I hear, "HEY, BOZO, YOU HAVE TiVO, SO YOU SHOULDN'T BE WATCHING ANY COMMERCIALS!" and I have to find where I put the remote. Anyway, Dean, it really is the National Beef Chekov. If you do a little Googling on "beef chekov" you'll discover someone's notes from their attempt at passing an agricultural science course, which I assume they failed, but I haven't the heart to find out by logging in with THE PASSWORD THEY POSTED: [http://www.xanga.com/ureshiidesuka/402456619/item.html] -> -> [...] -> -> top of pg 3 -> know 3 of bot pg 3 -> 4 -> -> http://animalscience2ucdavis.edu/ans41 -> -> username: animalscience1\ans41 -> pw: cargill -> -> pork prices fluctuate, 4950 avg price, -> much less flux in beef -> -> [...] -> -> 1988 pork act referendum - producers vote for or not for pork -> act, most of them did -> repealed refunds -> 1992 - increase in chekov funds to 35 cents per 100 dollar hog value -> 1995 - increase in chekov to 45 cents per 100 dollar hog value -> small hog producers felt it was too much, also farmer john -> thought it was doing enough for itself to promote its meats -> 2000 - referendum on chekov -> every dollar spent on the program gained 4.79 -> voted no, they messed up on the 15% signatures, so illegally -> conducted referendum -> national pork board - now can see wehre funds are being used -> 2 year wait time for whether or not to have a referendum -> 2002 - nat pork board approved a 5 cent reduction in chekov -> funds now at 40 cents per 100 dollar hog value -> district board in michigan ruled that chekov was -> unconstitutional -> went to the supreme court, june 2005 - set aside ruling -> (overruled) of lower court ruling -> sent case back to the lower court -> supreme court ruled the beef chekov does not violate the first -> amendment, written by congress -> government speech does not fall under constitutionl rules? Speech about the Beef Chekov is probably protected by the Statue Of Limitations. Oh, and by the Prime Directive. Next time you see beef marked "USDA Prime", that means that you better leave it alone or it'll phaser your ass. -- K. I can't wait for the 23rd century to come true so Russians will start wearing Beatle wigs. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 24 Sep 2006 17:43:55 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why is it always the chickens? Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology [re a four-legged chicken] Alan Truism (alan.truism@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I have no desire to eat deformed chickens...even if they do present me > with extra drumsticks. Then I've got some bad news for you about Burger King's "chicken tenders"... You might want to stick to KFC, because only their chicken is geometrically perfect -- they're careful to only grow Animal 57s in rectangular tanks, never wad-shaped ones that would make the chicken come out without sharp corners. Oh, and the holes in those White Castle patties? Those are only there to help the bottom bun fire its mind control lasers through the holes into your brain. (They don't put the lasers in the top bun, because that's where everyone would expect them to be.) If you've ever eaten in White Castle, now you know why you've eaten in White Castle. Lasers. -- K. I think the lasers taste yummy. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 25 Sep 2006 13:39:06 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The hole in my knee. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Chris McGonnell (smeagol01@notthisverizon.net) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > I've had a fun summer of broken femur goodness, and am just up to the > > point now (three months later) where I'm walking around. > > I'm one up on you, having b0rken both femurs in 1996! Took from July > through September to heal, but I did get to say "I've fallen and I > can't get up!" which cracked up the EMTs. I think this is where we cue Tim Chmielewski to type in the story about Alexander Fu-Sheng breaking both of his legs, from the back of whichever one of the 700 Shaw Brothers DVDs has that one, because I forgot which one and I'm not about to go check all the hundred-plus ones I have. I only remember that "The Eight Diagram Pole Fighter" wound up with the standard picture of Gordon Liu on the front because Alexander Fu-Sheng got killed in a car accident during the making of that film. Why is it that Gordon Liu must never be photographed from an angle? Is he two- dimensional? Will he star in the movie of the "Robotman" comic strip? If he could have turned his head, would Quentin Tarantino have put a Band-Aid on the back of it? On the other hand, Takeshi Kitano is now such an icon in Japan that his movies now get DVD boxes that just show an extreeeeeeeeeme close-up of the middle third of his unactable face. I'm thinking of the most commonly-seen boxes for "Blood And Bones" and "Takeshis". By 2010, his movies will consist of just pictures of nostrils, and either Japan will declare him a living national treasure, or just "Japan's Bob Hope". (The differences is that Takeshi has been in _some_ good movies.) Anyway, sorry to hear that other people suffered horrible injuries and all I got was this lousy road rash where it doesn't even show. I guess I'll never be as handsome as Brion James in "Blade Runner". Wait, Brion James with road rash on his face isn't handsome, or even human. So never mind. -- K. See how cleverly I stayed on topic by using "Blade Runner" to bring the article back to the Shaw Brothers? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 25 Sep 2006 13:51:28 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ProgressQuest artifact for Mimi Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Chris McGonnell (smeagol01@notthisverizon.net) wrote: > > Buster the Wonder Dog went to an emergency groomers in 2001 and > returned wearing a red bandana around his neck. Buster never went back > to said groomers. "Emergency groomers"? For when you really, really, really want your dog to be brushed but you can't just brush him yourself? Did Buster have a job interview or something? Better to come home with a red bandana around his neck than in his back pocket, that's all I'm sayin'. Spot's too cheap to go to an emergency groomer, or even a regular groomer. He just cleans his dishes by rubbing them all over himself and then the neighbor's cat licks him clean. I just want to know why anyone would have their dog groomed anywhere but PETsMART. That store is like a swinging singles bar so owners and their pets get to go on double dates. The whole point is that they encourage you to bring your cat or dog into the store (because not only do they have grooming, but also free obedience classes, etc.) and this leads to plenty of socializing with other people who have determined that your pet has the correct level of cuteness for them to talk to you. Of course this is good for PETsMART because bringing a dog into the chew-toy store is liking bringing a toddler into a toy store -- the dog'll tell you "I WANT ONE OF EVERYTHING!" unless he's stupid. Fortunately most dogs are, which is why PETsMART gets away with spelling their name that way. Anyway, take your dog to PETsMART and you might find true romance. Also, your dog will never be given a free bandana. They're $9.95. -- K. Petco, on the other hand, is where you go if you have a hideously deformed dog and cat who are fused together like those two jigsaw puzzle pieces that didn't get cut all the way through. version=3.1.0 ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 25 Sep 2006 14:06:43 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Special Gym! Waaah! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Chris McGonnell (smeagol01@notthisverizon.net) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > A few weeks ago I did one of those things that shows that I'm becoming > > an old man. I *paid money* to *join* a gym. > > > > Now, anyone who knew me back when I was a kid in school would know why > > that's funny. Back then I would have paid money just to get out of gym. > > Although probably not nearly so much money because at the time I was > > probably only carrying around 75 cents in my pocket. > > Am I the only guy in ARK who aced gym? Look what happened to me, you > lucky bastards! So, you became a gym teacher? And now us old people get free gym? I call dibs on the really small weights! -- K. So why can I do a million chin-ups but can't lift anything else? Is it because I weigh zero pounds? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 25 Sep 2006 14:08:18 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ProgressQuest artifact for Mimi Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology I just wrote: > > [...] > the dog'll tell you "I WANT ONE OF EVERYTHING!" unless he's stupid. > Fortunately most dogs are, which is why PETsMART gets away with > spelling their name that way. After I posted that, I went to the Web to save a PETsMART logo so I could put it with that article in 2098's "Best Of A.R.K 2006" book, and I discovered that PETsMART has suddenly changed their logo so that the "s" getting brained by the bouncing ball is no longer smaller than the other letters. The logo now says "PETSMART" but the company spells it "PetSmart" in text, thus forever eliminating the clever ambiguity about which of the two words the "s" is supposed to stick to. But at least the "s" is still getting conked on the head by the ball, just to remind Talysman that he needs Special Gym. -- K. At least it wasn't one of those damn logos where exactly one letter was in lowercase italic. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 25 Sep 2006 15:23:43 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New rule! Hey kids! Remember the news item about the amusement park that would allow you to do something you can't do at home -- eat a cockroach? [www.upi.com] -> -> PETA slams cockroach eating contest -> -> CHICAGO, Sept. 25 (UPI) -- An animal rights organization is -> asking a suburban Chicago amusement park to cancel plans to hold -> a live cockroach-eating contest next month. -> -> People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says it has been -> flooded with calls and e-mails protesting the upcoming contest -> at Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, Ill., the Chicago -> Sun-Times reports. Yeah, but I've been flooded with E-mails telling me to 3NLARG3 MY P3N1S. Where's the news report about my giant penis? -> Last week Six Flags announced that any visitor who ate a live, -> three-inch Madagascar hissing cockroach at this year's Halloween -> Fright Fest would receive a pass allowing them to go to the head -> of the line for any ride in the amusement park. -> -> In addition to the free pass offer, Six Flags said it planned to -> host an open-invitation contest for those who wanted to try to -> break the Guinness world record for the most baked Madagascar -> cockroaches eaten in a single minute. -> -> The current world record of 36 roaches was set five years ago. The winner was quite surprised. "All I did was eat at Arby's!" -> "We're asking them to cancel (this) gratuitously cruel practice, -> which is really just a tired gag from 'Fear Factor,'" says -> Jackie Vergerio, a PETA spokeswoman. Yeah! People should just crush cockroaches and spray poison on them and let their cat eat them, not eat them in front of carnies! It's so wrong to make a cockroach die in your stomach and not give it the freedom to die where it wants to, in your toilet! Also, someone should tell PETA that American TV didn't invent idiotic Japanese game shows. I would actually pay for a DVD of "Takeshi Kitano vs. PETA", especially if they let Takashi Miike direct it so that the blood spurts out real horrorshow. [www.washingtonpost.com] => => [...] => => The park in Gurnee, Ill., is joining other Six Flags parks in => offering unlimited line-jumping privileges to anyone who eats a => live Madagascar hissing cockroach. The bugs are up to three => inches long. I think they should increase the size of the roaches in proportion to the size of the line. Disney's California Adventure would challenge you to eat a paramecium! => The contest begins next month. => => Amusement park officials are defending their menu choice. Great => America spokesman Jim Taylor says the bugs are nutritious, => high in protein and fat free. Hear that, PETA? We can kill whatever we want, as long as it's high in protein and fat free! I'm gonna go steamroller me some millipedes! CRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrUNCH! But any animals that don't contain any protein can rest easy, assuming the wind doesn't blow 'em away. -- K. Now, how can I tie this into the thread about how sick I am of corporate logos with one lowercase italic letter? version=3.1.0 ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 25 Sep 2006 15:34:34 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: ARGH! It's BACK! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology The annoying ice cream truck with the "HEL-LO! honk honk honk TWEET TWEET TWEET" recording just parked outside my window. I guess I should be thankful it waited until September to begin its summer. But on the other hand that might mean it'll be here until February. You know, if those trucks really want to attract kids, they shouldn't play dorky music. They should just play a tape loop of hilarious farts. -- K. Though I'm not sure what the refried bean truck would play. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 00:08:36 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ARGH! It's BACK! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > During the winter, why isn't there a hot chocolate truck for kids? What is your obsession with diarrhea? -- K. And why doesn't the diarrhea truck come all year-round? It's so unfair! ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 01:03:34 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: It's curtains for Mr. Monkeypants! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology [www.courttv.com] -> -> Police: Men smuggled monkeys in pants; also leopard cubs, -> orchids, birds of paradise Never mind the birds. Which side was the potato on? -> By Lisa Sweetingham -> Court TV -> -> LOS ANGELES -- When the rare birds of paradise escaped from his -> suitcase and flew over the heads of U.S. Customs Agents at Los -> Angeles International Airport, Robert Cusack decided it was best -> to confess that, yes, he did have more to declare. (LOUD CIRCUS CALLIOPE MUSIC DROWNS OUT ALL AMBIENT SOUND. THE MUSIC IS SO LOUD THAT IT ACTUALLY BLOCKS SUNLIGHT FROM REACHING THE EARTH. AN EIGHT-MILE-HIGH CAROUSEL MADE FROM A TRILLION RAZZLEBERRY GUMMI BEARS TWIRLS DOWN THE STREET TOWARDS SCREAMING PEOPLE. AS IT CRUSHES THEM THEY BRIEFLY SIGH IN ECSTASY AT HOW MUCH FUN IT IS TO BE CRUSHED BY THE GIANT CAROUSEL. THEN IT EXPLODES, BLASTING AT LEAST GUMMI BEAR DIRECTLY INTO THE BRAINSTEM OF EVERY LIVING BEING IN THE UNIVERSE. THE MUSIC STOPS.) -> "I have monkeys in my pants," Cusack told the agents. (SOMEWHERE, A BLOCK OF TOFU SITS ON A KITCHEN COUNTER FOR A MILLION YEARS.) -> Cusack, 49, had just gotten off a plane from Thailand and was -> immediately taken into custody. -> -> Two endangered slow loris pygmy (THE WACKY CIRCUS MUSIC RESUMES AS THE MOON DEVELOPS A SCARY CLOWN FACE AND STARTS TO ROLL BACK AND FORTH ACROSS THE EARTH, CRUSHING EVERYBODY WHO IS NOT WEARING AN "I AM A MIME" T-SHIRT. BUT THEN SUDDENLY ALL THE VOLCANOES IN THE WORLD ERUPT AT THE SAME TIME AND SHOWERS OF PUPPIES COME OUT. EVERYONE GRABS A PUPPY AND HUGS IT AND THEN AN ICE CREAM TRUCK DRIVES OFF A CLIFF AND EXPLODES. THE MUSIC STOPS.) -> monkeys were rescued from Cusack's underwear. (THE BLOCK OF TOFU SLOWLY SLIDES OFF THE COUNTER INTO A WASTEBASKET.) -> [...] -> -> The lorises, Mrozek says, found a home at the Los Angeles County -> Zoo. But the four birds of paradise all died. -> -> "That is a not uncommon result of wildlife smuggling," Mrozek -> said. "These animals die all the time because of the stress of -> being stuffed into a box and smuggled in. The birds, I think it -> was the stress of the very long travel and who knows what kind -> of shape they were in." -> -> While Cusack's monkey-in-pants method might seem bizarre, it's (YOUR HEAD EXPLODED BEFORE THE ARTICLE ENDED. YOU HAVE DIED. YOUR SCORE IS 0 OUT OF A POSSIBLE 100. PRESS ANY KEY TO REINCARNATE, POSSIBLY AS A MONKEY IN SOMEONE'S UNDERPANTS.) -- K. There's something funny about very old tofu. I guess it would have to be funny, because it's no longer delicious. version=3.1.0 ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 14:46:20 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Special Gym! Waaah! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > Now I want to write a great science fiction story where aliens challenge > > the human race to a game of dodgeball where the winners get to rule the > > Universe but the aliens cause a time warp so that the humans are always > > ten seconds behind so they only try to catch the ball ten seconds after > > I hit them and now I can't write it because I just realized this was > > already an episode of "UFO". It's the one where Straker spends the whole > > episode taking speed, not to be confused with the one about the joys > > of LSD or the ones where nothing happened. > > You could always write an episode of Special UFO instead, where > top-secret military personal are sent on a mission to fight aliens, > only they aren't allowed to use spaceships or guns or any technology > more advanced than a payphone or a briefcase. Also, they are never > allowed to go near actual aliens, they have to wait until the aliens > leave. > > Oh, wait, that was "Project Blue Book". I've always wanted to build a time machine just so I could go back to the '70s and find out what happened to Jack Webb's brain between all his various "Dragnet" shows and his show about how the government conspiracy was covering up that UFOs were abducting people. For those of you who missed the '70s, the show was called "Project: UFO" (which is remembered by more people as "Project Blue Book" than as its correct title, since that was the name of the Air Force project the show was about) and every episode was exactly like this, except longer: NARRATOR The Bible proves that Ezekiel saw the wheel. And this is the "2001"-style space station he saw. FACT!!! (A GUY IS STANDING ON TOP OF HIS OUTHOUSE WHEN A GLOWING ICE CREAM CONE FLIES PAST.) FARMER Look, maw, I identify that as wunnadem unidentifiable flying objects! AIR FORCE GUY WHO IS JUST LIKE JOE FRIDAY UFOs do not exist, and here's the proof: Ice cream cones cannot fly. And if they did, you couldn't possibly see them because they would have to go faster than light. For further proof that the previous scene did not happen, here's my sidekick. AIR FORCE SIDEKICK WHO IS JUST LIKE BILL GANNON (nods) FARMER Gosh! You have completely debunked me! (THE AIR FORCE GUYS LEAVE. THE FLYING ICE CREAM CONE WAITS FOR THEM TO GO AND THEN EMERGES FROM ITS HIDING PLACE BEHIND THE MOON AND BUZZES THE CAMERA.) NARRATOR Score another one for crazy stories we claim were in the Bible! Buy bonds! Seriously, something happened to Jack Webb that made his brain go very wrong in a completely different way than it had been for the previous fifty years. Instead of just being ultra-ultra-ultra- conservative and doing dramas about how the police are always right and hippies always cook their baby in the oven, he was suddenly making this weird hybrid of "Close Encounters" and "In Search Of" in the style of "Dragnet" but with the inverted moral that the Government was always _wrong_. I think the true conspiracy theory is that Sidekick Gannon shot down Henry Blake's chopper over the Sea Of Japan just so he could escape from "Dragnet" and go have happy times fighting the hilariously wacky Korean war. Since I have a lot of ChiCom propaganda DVDs in my collection of Special Stuff, I keep seeing stuff where the Chinese explain how they won the Korean War, and I always think, "Wait, so Hawkeye Piece wasn't a true story? I guess it's understandable the Americans lost the war because they spent the whole time doing Marx Brothers impressions and wearing dresses and getting Farrah hairdos!" Anyway, those were the only two TV shows that were on in the '70s, "Project: UFO" and "M*A*S*H". Any memories you might have of "Match Game '76", "Lidsville", or "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour" will now be debunked by two guys in blue uniforms, and then Replacement Jan will sneak up behind you and yell "BOO!" > > [...] > > > > * You wrote the book "Twiggy, The Abandoned Diabetic Dog" but was > > upset that the publisher changed the third "n" in the title to a "b". > > I think you mean they changed the "ol" to an "et". I suppose it's a sign of a fundamental mental defect that I've been fascinated with that book title since seeing it in the Avenue Victor Hugo store some fifteen to twenty years ago. Whenever I think of that title, two guys in blue suits show up to debunk the idea that anyone on Earth would think anyone else on Earth would want to read something titled "Twiggy, The Abandoned Diabetic Dog". Were there other books in the series? Like "Limpybag, The Neglected Deflated Volvox"? "Fermat, The Legless Jumping Frog"? "Drizzle, The Ameba Born Without A Skin"? I imagine someone somewhere laughing maniacally as they churned out copies of "Twiggy, The Abandoned Diabetic Dog" on a hand-cranked printing press as part of their evil plan to make the world joyless through the distribution of unhappy literature. And that plan was named... PROJECT BLUE BOOK!!! > > * You appeared in the background of one scene of the original "Star Wars" > > as an Imperial Stormtrooper who stubs his toe, then yells, "Carrie! > > Oh shit, I just farted on Starbuck!" > > Good thing George Lucas gave me transexual gas. Hey, cool, finally we have the sentence we can use to start that Wikipedia page about you. > Now, I can rent myself out to Hollywood producers who want to remake > old TV shows and movies, but make them "edgy" and "fresh" by changing > all the men into women. That was such a '90s thing, to do a "girl version" or a "black version". Now the trendy thing is to do "the gay version". Haven't you learned anything from Jar Jar? And did you see what they did to Kirk's hair on the new computer-enhanced "Star Trek"? I love how the more they restore the original prints, the easier it is to see the seam between the blond part of his hair and the brown part of his hair. That's what keeps the computer-enhanced forty- year-old reruns fresh and exciting: Now you can see the bad hair better! > > * You once made a Fluffernutter from a hollowed-out apple and Mod Podge. In case anyone's wondering, I'd like to point out that I _do_ know a Fluffernutter is a peanut butter sandwich with extra white sugar in it. My point of reference here is that in elementary school they had us pack peanut butter and Fluff into hollowed-out apples and yet they called these apples "Fluffernutters". I found them super-gross. Did any of you other little kids ever have to cram stuff into stuff it shouldn't have been crammed into? Like, I dunno, packing fudge into a trombone? > > * Then, in 1982, when you finally succeeded in buying a Chinese > > finger trap, you got your fingers stuck in it, and cried, > > "Waah! I have Chinese fingers! Now I have to learn to use > > chopsticks!" > > I'm never going to learn chopsticks unless they ram them into my cold, > dead hands! Colonel Blake is really good with chopsticks these days. I've never understood why people think learning to use chopsticks is hard. You'll learn in about five minutes if you're ever in a place where you have no other option, especially because all the helpful native-chopstick- users in the place will keep leaning across the table and correcting your grip to humiliate you. For people like you who don't do chopsticks, they even manufacture special paired chopsticks that are like giant tweezers. I bought a friend a bright orange pair of those with a cartoon goldfish on top to help him eat his Chinese food with dignity. I also recall one restaurant where the waitress saw that my dinner companion was having trouble, so she brought over a pair of chopsticks that she'd crammed a piece of folded paper between and then wrapped some rubber bands around to make a super-flimsy version of the giant tweezers. You better hope that Chinese restaurants don't start learning even better ways to humiliate people who don't like chopsticks. If any Chinese restaurant owner ever goes into a Coldstone Creamery, you're screwed. You'll be surrounded by people singing you the "HA HA YOU CAN'T USE CHOPSTICKS" song and they'll make you wear the "I'M A FORK BABY" bib and you'll have to wear a giant hat with a blinking neon sign saying "CAREFUL, EVERYONE, STAY AWAY FROM ME BECAUSE I AM TOO CLUMSY TO USE CHOPSTICKS AND YET I AM EATING WITH POINTY METAL THINGS, SO GET BACK OR I ACCIDENTALLY MAKE STABBY-STABBY!" Are there people in Asia who can't comprehend how foreign people can manage to use those complicated things called forks? I think it would be cool if the staff in any KFC over there would tease customers who tried to eat their taco salad with chopsticks instead of the proper spork. Also, for the runny mashed potatoes, is there some Asian equivalent of the spork? Is it the same as the little red tongue depressor they put in the Cheez-Whiz-and-crackers packets little kids get in the school lunches? I like chopsticks because I don't like the taste of metal utensils. If plastic forks aren't available, chopsticks are a good solution to the problem of your food having unwanted metal ions all over it. Unless you get the super-cheap splintery wood chopsticks that make everything taste like the balsa-wood section of the art-supply store smells. So to sum up, LEARN TO USE CHOPSTICKS BECAUSE YOU DID NOT SEE A UFO. Dum-da-dum-dum. -- K. Gerry Anderson's "UFO", on the other hand, was the show where all the women had to wear lavender wigs as a safety precaution. Also, the guys on the submarine had the GAYEST UNIFORMS EVER, even by submarine standards -- fishnet shirts! ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 14:54:09 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Headline of the day! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology News headline that was linked from Fark.com: [www.cba.ca] -> -> Irritating skin whiteners pulled from shelves in China I don't have the heart to write the non-disappointing version of the article that goes with that. That headline's too easy to pick on, and besides, I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about Carrot Top. I do confess I tried a skin whitener once, for a burn scar on the back of my left hand. It didn't work, and that was eventually okay because "Fight Club" came out so whenever I watch that movie with someone and we get to the lye scene, I show 'em the back of my hand. But unfortunately now the scar has faded a lot due to natural causes so now I need a skin darkener. Do you need both hands to work a tattoo gun, or can I just use one hand to do the other? Also, how come a tattoo gun and a paintball gun aren't the same thing? I say you should be able to tattoo people from a hundred feet away! -- K. And Japanese people should do it to Bill Murray! ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 15:12:17 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Headline of the day! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology "Otto Bahn" (ei@eio.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, how come a tattoo gun and a paintball gun aren't the same thing? > > Thank the FDA for that one. One kid gets hit in the mouth > and they have to ruin the party for everyone. Bastids! I am now planning my afternoon around walking into a sporting-goods store and asking, "Hey, why aren't paintballs and gumballs the same thing?" with fluorescent orange paint dripping from my mouth. What are some other things that can only be the same thing if there are hilariously tragic consequences? -- K. "Mommy, why doesn't sugar taste like cocaine?" ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 15:35:36 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Spoiler warning! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology I just got advance copies of the first few episodes of the new season of Fox's "24", and thought I'd share all the secrets with you. 7am: Jack Bauer must shoot the Pope in the face with a flamethrower to prevent a freight train filled with toxic waste from crashing into a preschool. But he finds out all too late that one of the kids will grow to be the next evil Pope, and due to the toxic waste, he'll do it within an hour! 8am: Jack Bauer tortures the new Pope to death with a cheese grater to prevent the Chinese Communists from tunneling under Canada to blow up a dam that would flood a wildlife sanctuary containing the only talking bird who knows the location of the real terrorist, whose identity is revealed as the late Mr. Rogers! 9am: Jack Bauer kidnaps all the scientists in the world to torture them until they can resurrect Mr. Rogers so that Jack can kill him. But meanwhile, a fleet of black helicopters is flying through sewer pipes directly towards Jack's favorite toilet. Can Jack go the next 21 hours without ever going to the bathroom? 10am: Jack Bauer steals an atomic bomb from the Kremlin and uses the Space Shuttle to drop the bomb on the black helicopters and nobody else gets hurt in the nuclear explosion because the government evacuated the West Coast in the nick of time. But then, Jack reads on Mr. Rogers's tombstone that he wasn't the real head of the terrorist organization. The actual terrorist could be anyone! So, Jack blows up the Census Bureau in order to steal their alphabetical list of everyone in the world so he can kill them all. 11am: Jack Bauer has worked his way up to the "B"'s, but then he realizes that the terrorists might be in Idaho, so he sends Chloe to infiltrate Idaho because she has a face like a potato. Jack kills everyone with names starting with "C" through "L", but then the cliffhanger: Should he kill people whose names start with "Mc" between "Mb" and "Md", or should he put "Mc" after all the other "M"s like in an old-time Rolodex? It is a dark day for America as Jack Bauer has to stop and think. 12am: Jack Bauer has to shoot heroin into his eyeball in order to deal with the stress of having to kill everyone in the world, and while he's temporarily blinded for the duration of one episode, terrorists change "12 noon" to "12am" on all the world's clocks, making Jack confused about whether it's really noon or midnight. However, he gets his sight back by stealing the President's eyeballs in order to save the country so he can kill everyone in the world. 1pm: Jack Bauer gets trapped in an elevator and spends the hour complaining that the plot of "Lost" is significantly stupider than "24". But then the battery in his cell phone dies and he spends the last several minutes of the episode taking a much-needed nap. He manages to escape from the elevator during the break between episodes. 2pm: Jack Bauer has now killed people up to "Y", leaving only the "Z"s as possible terrorist suspects. Just when he's about to shoot Ahmet Zappa on suspicion of having an Arab-like first name, Chloe makes contact with the leader of the evil potatoes! What will happen? ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN! -- K. I left out the part where he scuba-dives to the Earth's core. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 15:41:57 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Stop the presses! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Entertainment news update! [www.darkhorizons.com] -> -> Katie Holmes Plays Posh Spice I guess I better stay home today, because this can mean only one thing: The Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists will be moving the hands of their Doomsday Clock and I, for one, don't want to be caught in traffic when the nation goes to DEFCON-1 because of whatshername playing whatshername. Seriously, did we really need another Posh Spice? -- K. And how is Alan Cumming involved in this? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 18:19:31 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Spoiler warning! [a sneak preview of this year's "24"] "Cam" (cam.barr@beer.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I left out the part where he scuba-dives to the Earth's core. > > Tell us the part about where he scuba-dives to the Earth's core. TELL > US NOW!!!! Well, Jack Bauer puts in this special wetsuit that can go through solid rock, and also he has these ninja claws on his hands so he can get back out of the Earth's core within an hour, and Chloe tells him which point on the Earth's surface is directly above the Earth's core and he goes down into the Earth and he has to do it without causing any earthquakes greater than 9.9 Richter because the Chinese doomsday machine will trigger all the nuclear weapons in the world automatically at 10.0 but nobody will notice a 9.9 especially because it's the night of the big Air Force fireworks show which has the Thunderbirds simultaneously performing in all the world's capitals. Then when he gets to the Earth's core he meets the evil Dr. Clog and they have a big wushu fight except in real time instead of slow-motion and Jack Bauer causes the whole Earth to collapse on Dr. Clog and gets out and jumps off the Earth just in time and Chloe tells him which way to flap his arms so he can fly to the secret CTU moonbase because now that the Earth has been imploded away completely the Moon is flying off into another galaxy on the far side of our Solar System and Jack gets to the Moon just in time before the Moon goes through a space warp. The space warp comes out in Abraham Lincoln's hat and Jack Bauer jumps out of the hat and saves Lincoln from being assassinated and Lincoln shoots John Wilkes Booth but this means that now they've changed history completely so Hitler will never be born and this makes Hitler mad so he arrives in his Nazi time machine to kill Jack Bauer because otherwise Hitler will stop existing. The cliff-hanger at the end of the season is that Hitler kills Jack Bauer. How will he get out of this one? And why did Chloe and Mary Todd Lincoln switch places? Where are my pants? -- K. I admit it, I plagiarized the whole plot from Wil Wheaton's "Deep Core". ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 18:31:04 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Special Gym! Waaah! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I've never understood why people think learning to use chopsticks is hard. > > Probably because they try too hard to become experts all at once. My > advice is to start with one chopstick, and work your way gradually up > to two. I'm not sure the human urethra can handle -- wait, who started this thread? My advice to anyone who wants to practice with chopsticks is to go to a Chinese grocery store and get one of those packs of a dozen pairs of molded plastic chopsticks (the fake ivory ones.) They're a lot thicker and heavier than the flimsy disposable wood ones the restaurants give out, and also, they have wide blunt tips (unlike the pointier ones they use in Japan.) Using the big heavy ones gives you a better sense of where they are in your hand, and the blunt tips will prevent you from accidentally puncturing your eyeball if you hold them backwards. Then you can move up to all the toys from "Legendary Weapons Of China", like the triple nunchuck, the sword with the looseleaf binder rings, and the power to telekinetically castrate your enemies. -- K. Today in Chinatown I saw a poster for a Chinese DVD release of Disney's "Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver", except that the dog wearing sunglasses on the poster wasn't remotely similar to a golden retriever. I guess they think all dogs look alike before they're cooked. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 21:10:02 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Zombie food art Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > [...] I do have an anatomically correct brain-shaped gelatin mold. > Assuming I can still find it, I should bring it to Boston and have > Kibo fill it with some grey flavor of ice cream. Penn & Teller's book "Cruel Tricks For Dear Friends" has a recipe for brain Jell-O (if I remember correctly -- I think it's in that one with the funny-cut pages, not "How To Play With Your Food".) I made it once. You fill a plastic bag with dark red syrup and set it inside opaque pink Jell-O (you use strawberry Jell-O plus milk, that has the added benefit of making it kind of leathery.) When you cut it, _plenty_ of red blood goes all over the table and makes a hell of a mess. I think the best thing to do with a brain mold would be to microwave a bar of Ivory soap in it just until the soap puffs up. Let it cool for a couple minutes, and you have a big fluffy soap brain. But maybe you could have more fun just using the mold to make meatloaf with tomato gravy. Remember, molds ain't just for bleu cheese! -- K. I will pay you five Special Imaginary Dollars if you make a Jell-O brain and leave it on a subway seat and film the aftermath with a hidden camera. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 22:17:34 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: One down, one to go... The Hood blimp (which buzzes around my neighborhood all afternoon on ball game days) crashed today. Now I just have to take care of that damn ice cream truck. Oh, and all those people on most of the channels on my TV. -- K. I'd watch NASCAR if it was all zeppelins. Especially if they were filled with a mixture of hydrogen and flash paper. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2006 02:45:03 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ARGH! It's BACK! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > Last weekend I bought some soda from an ice cream truck driven by > a Mexican with one arm and no assistants. Well, of course -- who would want to take that embarassing job? "What do you do?" "Um, I'm someone's right-hand man." "Really? You're vice-president of a major international evil syndicate? You're the guy who James Bo