From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Flex-Cuffed Midgets! Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2006 01:04:26 -0400 MetaFilter pointed me to this anonymous posting from a Marine in Iraq: [hqmc.net] -> -> [...] -> -> Most Surreal Moment -- Watching Marines arrive at my detention -> facility and unload a truck load of flex-cuffed midgets. 26 to be -> exact. I had put the word out earlier in the day to the Marines in -> Fallujah that we were looking for Bad Guy X, who was described as -> a midget. Little did I know that Fallujah was home to a small -> community of midgets, who banded together for support since they -> were considered as social outcasts. The Marines were anxious to -> get back to the midget colony to bring in the rest of the midget -> suspects, but I called off the search, figuring Bad Guy X was long -> gone on his short legs after seeing his companions rounded up by -> the giant infidels. There's something lyrical about the phrase "flex-cuffed midgets". (THIS IS FLEX-CUFF MIDGET FETISH) I call dibs on not being the one who writes the song "Bad Guy X, The Flex-Cuffed Midget". -> Most Profound Man in Iraq -- an unidentified farmer in a fairly -> remote area who, after being asked by Reconnaissance Marines -> (searching for Syrians) if he had seen any foreign fighters in -> the area replied "Yes, you." If zingers were bombs, at that moment Iraq would have won the war with their Atomically Obvious Zinger. It takes some balls to sass-talk a Marine. I'm too smart to try to mouth off to Marines, so I only lay the sarcasm on those bozos in the Coast Guard. -- K. AS IF ANYONE WOULD EVER TRY STEALING A COAST!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.geo.geology,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: old vinyl records can be a model Re: Experiment #1 for Centrifuge theory of Plate Tectonics Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2006 20:53:34 -0400 In sci.physics, sci.geo.geology, and sci.physics.electromag, a_plutonium (a_plutonium@dtgnet.com) wrote: > > Another working model mimics old vinyl records where you place more than > one record in the turntable causing the topmost one to go slower than > usual and which we can hear the audio slower. > > So we can craft records that imitate the mantle, ocean crust and > continent crust and place them one on top of another and thence make > observations and calculations and scale up to the planet Earth itself. Wait just a minute. Two weeks ago you were ranting about how the pots and pans on top of your fridge were the perfect model for Earth's internal processes. And then last week you were going on about cotton candy and how it was the perfect model for geophysics. This week it's your record collection. What happened? Did you eat all your cotton candy? I hereby officially start the "What Random Object Will Archimedes Plutonium See In His Kitchen Next?" betting pool. Perhaps the "Eureka!" moment for your next theory will be "I saw a doorframe!" or "I am wearing shoes!" or "I ate a gummi bear!" or "I am standing on the floor!" In the betting pool, my money's on you finding a candy wrapper. Also, I get double points if you find it in the toilet. > Archimedes Plutonium > www.iw.net/~a_plutonium > whole entire Universe is just one big atom > where dots of the electron-dot-cloud are galaxies So? I bet I could eat more cotton candy than you. -- K. Now please go check your toilet for candy wrappers or other inspirations for your theories. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: God is mad Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2006 21:06:32 -0400 In sci.physics and sci.astro, kurtstocklmeir@earthlink.net wrote: > > I guess > > God sends to me theories > > God creates curses against theories that God sends to me > > girls and boys who are good will not talk about any of my theories - > they know what God will do to them and their family Kurt! I'm glad you're posting about the boys and the girls again. I missed your observations on gender stereotypes and their contributions to conventional socialization. Also, the stories about people having sex with giant lizards. Can we please have more stories about the sexy lizard people? Nobody else ever posts that stuff. > curses from God makes things fair - when an innocent person is abused > by dishonest people God will create a curse Can God create an uncurseable object? Also, can God please explain to me whether or not there should be that "e" in the middle of "uncurseable"? It looks wrong with the "e", but it also looks wrong without the "e", and the dictionary would say both were acceptable if it were a real word, so I don't know who to trust, and I'm counting on you to use your personal connection to God to help me figure out how to spell strange new words... To seek out new life, and new civilizations... To boldly go where no boys and girls have gone before! > there is a curse against people associated with Old Dominion University > - it has spread - hurting people, killing people and destroying people > all around the world Why are you still using the Old Dominion University! New Dominion University is protected from curses by a giant dome made of aluminum foil! Switch from Old Dominion University to New & Improved Dominion University today! It's fun for boys, girls, and their favorite space lizards! > it would be good if God gave me the power to create curses - to make > things fair > > girls and boys who are good will not kiss any person who has bodies of > animals between their teeth YAYYYYYYY THAT MEANS WE CAN STILL KISS LIZARDS! > people need to do their small part to fight bad people or they are > dishonest > > Kurt Stocklmeir Your name has the right number of "k"s in it. -- K. However, your name has the bodies of consonants within its vowels. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2006 21:20:35 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > [...] > > He retrieves a perfectly ordinary-looking wallet... and starts to open it. > > POP-UP PICTURE OF SPOT ON A STICK: "Spot's First Fifty Impalements" was the greatest pop-up book ever published. It rivals "Bugs In A Box On Fire" and "Pull The Tab To See How Elmo Died". As far as wallets go, I haven't carried one for years. My pants and jacket have these special containers called "pockets" that can hold paper money, plastic cards, coins, keys, a passport, a Chinese chess set, various claim checks, several bootleg DVDs, a hankie, toxic breath mints for the kids, and as many pairs of handcuffs as it takes to fill up any leftover pockets. You never want to discover that you only brought ten pairs of handcuffs when you're shoving eleven street musicians into the back of the unmarked van. I mean, yes, of course I carry a wallet. And nothing else. Why do you ask? -- K. Poor Spot On A Stick! It all started when he told the nice ice cream man that he felt like a Fudgsicle! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: making change is haaaaaard (was: Here, it's a nice cheap shot.) Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 16:06:22 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > I don't have change jars, because I can fit the change I have > > > > to the amount I'm charged before I give it to the cashier. > > > > Then I get to watch them figure out why I just handed them > > > > $11.07 to pay for a total of $5.82 ... > > > > > > Please to not be purposelly menting the cashier if there are people > > > behind you in line. > > > > Not tormenting them on purpose; they're doing it to -themselves-. > > If they just count what I give them and punch it in, $5.25 in change > > pops up on the register and they get this Look on their face for > > a split second and dig it out of the drawers and give it to me. > > It's the ones that are smart enough to realize I didn't give them > > a quarter and a ten-dollar bill, but not smart enough to realize > > that maybe there's a reason I gave them what I did and who try to > > give me back the pennies before they do anything else, that this > > is intended for, as a Zen teaching tool so to speak. > > Back before automatic change machines made everybody forget arithmetic, > minimizing the number of coins involved in the transaction and maximizing > the number of small coins left in the till was called polite, not > torment. In some countries, cashiers look at you like you're trying to > rob them when you don't use the smallest demoninations possible. Forcibly trying to educate the vast unwashed masses isn't torture, it's our sacred duty as people who are trying to help people who forgot to evolve come along on our magical mystery tour. Also, some of us need quarters for the bus. Further evidence that some people are still trying to be polite: Yesterday in my building, someone apologized for having to take the elevator from the lobby to the first floor (because they had a little wheelie suitcase.) I know most people here are too lazy to carry a small suitcase up one flight of stairs, but I've never before encountered someone who was embarrassed by knowing that they were part of the vast social problem caused by wheelie suitcases. Wheelie suitcase give off some sort of invisible radiation that makes their owners go out of their way to be obstacles when you encounter them on the sidewalk. (Suitcases without wheels are good, because when people are carrying heavy things they _hurry_, but when they're towing a suitcase with toy skate wheels suddenly they're out for a leisurely drive in an imaginary SUV.) Anyway, back to making change. There's a level of "Big Brain Academy" for the Nintendo DS where it throws two similar-but-different handfuls of change at you and you have a tenth of a second to use your magical Rain Man powers to determine which pile of twenty coins is worth slightly more or the game will punish you by taking away 200 grams of your brain mass. This is made extra-difficult by the fact that Nintendo thinks American nickels, dimes, and quarters are all the about same size with the same picture on them. I think we could install something like that at supermarket checkouts to teach people about change -- they'd have to tap the picture that shows the most convenient amount to pay, and if they hit the wrong one, their groceries would become 200 grams lighter. The missing mass would be given to the homeless, unless they're dragging a wheelie suitcase around in which case we'd let them starve. -- K. But I worry about the world Nintendo might create if they train millions of people to have Rain Man powers. Because then everyone who doesn't become Rain Man will become Tom Cruise. P.S. How come you can buy wheelie luggage, but you can't buy endo luggage? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 22:04:47 -0400 "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > I thought what was going on was Change-Fu for the express purpose of > > > tripping up the cashier. > > > > Seriously, 30 years ago, if you handed a cashier a $10 bill for a $5.82 > > charge, she would often ASK you if you had seven cents, and maybe even > > ask if you had a dollar bill. I am not talking about tensor calculus. > > Neither am I. I'm talking about being on your damn feet for seven hours > and it's half an hour until you can leave and your car keeps rattling > and the dog keeps coughing and the upstairs neighbors won't stop having > sex and your shoes don't fit right and your teeth hurt. See if you can > be Mr. CalculatorBrainSmartyPants then. You're on. It's a duel. A change-making duel. I challenge you to a two-player round of the "BE LIKE RAIN MAN" level of "Big Brain Academy" that I mentioned in a previous article. I'm up for it any time, anywhere because the game says I have a giant, deformed brain that's better than a human's. You get to choose how many hours we have to stand at a cash register before the game begins. I can do 7, 14, 21, probably even 28 and still whomp that game. And I'm not even autistic! I guess that means I'm just a _regular_ savant. Anyway, if you don't like making change, you should get out of the comic book business and try selling things that are worth more than fifty cents each. Either that or sell them as bundles of ten Lois Lanes for a buch. Just staple them together. Sorry to hear that your upstairs neighbors have sex. Mine just get stoned and try to find a third chord on their guitar while singing lyrics they hope someday Green Day will pay them twenty bucks for. Still, at least they're better than the people who had that apartment several years ago -- those were the ones who would crank up the radio to maximum volume for "Candle In The Wind '97", and _only_ for "Candle In The Wind '97", 'cause, like, Princess Di died just so that song could be so awesome and stuff. (None of the Al-Qaeda operatives living in this building were immediately adjacent to my apartment, so I don't know what annoying noises they made.) -- K. I can make change no matter how many major international terrorists are playing "Candle In The Wind '97" at me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 16:44:54 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > I thought what was going on was Change-Fu for the express purpose of > > tripping up the cashier. > > Seriously, 30 years ago, if you handed a cashier a $10 bill for a $5.82 > charge, she would often ASK you if you had seven cents, and maybe even > ask if you had a dollar bill. I am not talking about tensor calculus. Dude, it's not cool to tease Lots42 about stuff that happened twenty years before he was born. How soon before this thread turns into yet more discussion of what happens when you try to use a two-dollar bill, a Susan B. Anthony dollar coin, and a Kennedy half-dollar at Taco Bell? And why is it that lately I haven't been seeing Canadian change as often as I did thirty years ago? Is it because Canadian money is no longer worthless? -- K. Now I'm going to talk about tensor calculus: EWW LUXO JR. NEEDS HIS TEETH CLEANED! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 05:06:23 -0400 [on handing odd amounts of money to a cashier so as to get back an even amount of change] "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I thought what was going on was Change-Fu for the express purpose of > tripping up the cashier. This is wrong. > > And even Einstien wouldn't be as fast with the change after seven hours > on his feet in retail Nuh-uh. He had a Nobel Prize and with one of those you automatically get pre-approved for a major credit card. So he always paid with plastic 'cause he was so smart that he was declared an honorary rich person. Also, his name was stamped right on the card to save him the trouble of figuring out how to spell it. As far as change-fu goes, you're thinking of the Shaw Brothers' "Twelve Deadly Coins", which I haven't watched yet but I'm pretty sure it doesn't feature Einstein doing backflips while hanging from wires. One theory is that if Einstein _were_ a Hongkie, he'd look like Tsui Hark did in "Aces Go Places II". On the other hand, if he were Japanese, of course he'd look like Kakihara 'cause all cool people look exactly like Kakihara. I'm not sure what he'd look like if he were Filipino, possibly he'd just have a giant closet of shoes that were all stuffed with wads of crazy hair. -- K. I will pay five Imaginary Internet Deadly Dollar Coins to the first person who draws me a picture of Canadian Einstein fighting Uwe Boll. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2006 16:45:04 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You never want to discover that you only brought ten pairs of > > handcuffs when you're shoving eleven street musicians into the > > back of the unmarked van. > > Why do you need handcuffs when the mimes are already dead? > Oh, sorry, I misread your statement. Never mind. See, you do the street musicians _before_ you come back for the the mimes, 'cause the mimes can't talk. You have to be careful of the robot statue mimes, though. Some of them aren't really robots, but they all have super powers just the same. -- K. Then Picasso's Monstrosity comes to life and chases Bob Newhart all the way to the office. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2006 01:48:45 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > As far as wallets go, I haven't carried one for years. My pants and > > jacket have these special containers called "pockets" [...] > > I have a wallet because the pieces of rectangular paper, cardboard, > and plastic that I carry in it fray REAL fast from the edges in, and > crumple (yes, even the plastic) if they're not in it. Gee. I must be living in a dimension with better laws of physics than yours because merely putting things in my jacket or pants pockets protects them as well as your leather wallet does. In other words, BUY SOME CLOTHING MADE FROM ANIMAL PRODUCTS, YOU FREAKIN' HIPPIE!!! > Also in my pockets are my three-ring keychain, with each hooked into > the other two, Lame. Wake me when you get the three of them to be linked without any one of them being linked to either of the other two, like the Borromean rings. Or don't you like Ballantine beer? I'll make you a whole suit of chain mail using that weave for only fifty million dollars, assuming you have that much in your puny wallet. (Wallets are for people who can only ever envision having a finite amount of money.) > and a pair of little Borders stripey-cards danging; a variable amount of > change, though usually never more than 5 pennies or other changeable-up > combination; let's see... two click-open pens, three cap-off-open pens, one > felt-tip pen, and a pencil; and of course the standard four 20-sided dice > (opaque purple, pearled golden, clear glittery blue, and clear glittery > green) in case a Magic game or D&D session spontaneously arises, or I have > to determine random numbers for some reason or other. And a bit of lint. In other words, I win. The contents of my pockets can kick the ass of the contents of your dice bag, unless that's not your dice bag, in which case that's probably not your ass either. (Remember, the potato's supposed to go in the front!) > > [...] > > > > I mean, yes, of course I carry a wallet. And nothing else. Why do > > you ask? > > "Wallet" is so redefinable! Define the wallet family any way you want, but I already won, Skeezix. So what do we play next? Comparing your wallet to my awesome lack of a wallet was too easy. I say that next we should play Rollerball. Be sure to get the right kind of pants, I think International Male still sells them. -- K. Just try not to fall on your keys, especially if they're interlinked in some weird four-dimensional way. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2006 17:01:10 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Gee. I must be living in a dimension with better laws of physics than > > yours because merely putting things in my jacket or pants pockets > > protects them as well as your leather wallet does. > > Per-haps it's the leatherness of the pockets; per-haps it's the CAREFUL > ARRANGING OF THE SCRAPS OF PAPER AND FILING SYSTEM inside your pockets. > Not gonna spend two minutes carefully filing something new in a pocket > each time; I don't even -shave- more than every month or two because it > wastes too much Internet time. But wallets waste more time. And space. And money. I just remember that money and plastic cards are on the right, change and keys are on the left, toys and games are in the jacket. > > The contents of my pockets can kick the ass of the contents of your > > dice bag, unless that's not your dice bag, in which case that's probably > > not your ass either. > > That's not my dice box, no. That's just the carry-around ones. The dice box > started off as the container for a 12-sided Rubik's Cube (...pause while > some of the younger ARKians frantically wiki). Uwe Meffert hereby challenges you to a boxing match unless you agree with Douglas Hofstadter's 1980s assertion that the market can sustain an infinite number of variations of Rubik's Cube because nobody could ever possibly get tired of that fad. -- K. Things I considered referencing in this thread, but chose not to because that would make it TOO EASY: * Chris Elliott's father wearing the "Rollerball" pants from International Male * "The Captured Cross-Section" featuring the hovering flesh watermelon wearing a leather belt * Wayne Knight mocking your wallet and then putting on the LEATHER OVEN MITTS OF DOOOOOM!!! * The horrible acid at the center of the Skewb ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2006 16:51:51 -0400 "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Gee. I must be living in a dimension with better laws of physics than > > yours because merely putting things in my jacket or pants pockets > > protects them as well as your leather wallet does. > > Non wallet stuff leaps from my pocket faster then base jumpers when the > cops are spotted. Well, yes, if you dress like a kangaroo and act like a kangaroo. On the other hand, if you had a leather jacket with nice zippers on the pockets, or were skinny enough to wear correctly-fitting pants so things wouldn't pop out of the front pockets every time you tried to sit down, your life would be as perfect as mine. People who rely on primitive Earth wallets probably also have trouble deciding between laces and velcro for their shoes, while we Space Vikings prefer footwear that begins with "jack-". Shoes with fasteners are for babies. Except for ninja shoes, which are all right because the dozen little brass hook thingies are on the inside where nobody can laugh at them. NEVER TRY TO LAUGH AT A NINJA, THEY ARE UNMOCKABLE. -- K. I bet your gloves don't even have zippered pockets in them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2006 23:55:59 -0400 "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I have had other retail experience besides the flea market. You mean like the time you bought a chocolate bar on your way to the Kiewit Computation Center? Or was that someone else? -- K. Hey, the old Subject: line _said_ it had to be a cheap shot. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Wee-Wee In The News (as usual) Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2006 01:02:23 -0400 Attention "Match Game '76" fans: Weird Willie broke into an elementary school restroom to steal a cup of BLANK! What did you put for your answer, Brett Somers? "Sugar?" "I'm sorry, but we're going to have to let Charles Nelson Reilly shoot you in the head now." *BANG* Anyway, this wee-wee-oriented news story just flowed down the chute: [www.nbc10.com] -> -> Couple Accused Of Invading School To Steal Urine -> -> POSTED: 3:53 pm EDT October 10, 2006 -> UPDATED: 4:02 pm EDT October 10, 2006 -> -> Images: Couple Accused Of Invading School To Steal Urine -> -> Slideshow: Couple Accused Of Invading School To Steal Urine -> -> Video: Couple Accused Of Invading School To Steal Urine You know, I've been on urine-theft-fetish Web sites that didn't have this large a multimedia library. Actually, no, I haven't. But I _could_ have been, and here on the Internet, that's good enough. -> Angry parents say their children were traumatized, maybe scarred -> for life, in a bizarre grade school invasion in Kentucky. -> -> Police say a sub-contracted teacher and her husband conspired to -> steal urine from students, some as young as 4 years old. -> -> The accused made a court appearance Tuesday in Greenup County. -> -> Glenda Neace worries her fifth grade son may never be the same -> after she says Nick Kintigos invaded Argellite Elementary and -> forced her boy to try and pee in a cup. -> -> "He's scared, can't go in a public bathroom, doesn't know what -> might happen," Neace said. I've said it before, I'll say it again: The first pharmaceutical company to invent a pill that cures "pee-shyness" will have something as big as Viagra on their hands. And possibly all over their shoes. -> Investigators say Teresa Kintigos used her school key to help her -> husband Nick bypass office security and sneak in a back door. -> -> The couple pleaded not guilty to criminal trespass and identity -> theft charges. But parents say Nick Kintigos grabbed and assaulted -> one of the several boys he approached to pee in a cup. -> -> "He was grabbed and turned around from the urinal," Neace said. -> -> "There was harm done, but no physical injury -- so no assault," -> said Mike Wilson, Greenup County attorney. So apparently, the bad people broke into the school, stole some urine, and then stole the dictionary page where "assault" was defined. I hope nobody else reads this article, or we'll have psychopaths running down the street assaulting people without causing "physical injury" while yelling, "DOES THIS BUG YOU? I'M NOT ASSAULTING YOU! DOES THIS BUG YOU?" -> Parent Tammy Ballard says a teacher violated school security rules -> by allowing Nick Kintigos to get his nephew out of class, since -> the suspect was not wearing a required visitors badge. -> -> "It was an oversight, we'll correct it," said Mike Raby, Greenup -> County schools. -> -> "What upsets me the most is kids are afraid to go to school, we've -> seen it with the Amish murders and other problems," Wilson says. -> "We can get justice for the act, but not solve the problems that -> resulted from the act." I heard that in Amish schools the kids don't pee in plastic cups, but in old-fashioned butter churns. (Where do did you _think_ we got "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" from?) -> The mother of the four year old who police say did pee in a cup -> said she wants the urine sample back. (CUT TO STOCK FOOTAGE OF A TRILLION SPACE CLOWNS POINTING AT THE PLANET EARTH AND LAUGHING, WHILE MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON THE EARTH CAREFULLY SIDE-STEP INTO THE HEMISPHERE SHE'S NOT IN.) -> She's worried her son's identity may already be compromised and -> says her son is traumatized. The criminals could be taking his urine to a pee party! Arrest anyone who claims to have uromysitisis! -> Teresa Kintigos is suspended without pay from her teaching job -> with northeast head start. This is the first time that e e cummings elementary school has had trouble with p p goings. -> Copyright 2006 by NBC10.com. All rights reserved. This material -> may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. Ooh! I like the "rewritten" part. Let's use that now. The article continues: The urine was stolen by John F. Kennedy, who faked his own assassination in order to go on a cross-country urine-stealing crime spree. The former President needed urine because his kidneys were destroyed during the Cuban missile crisis, when Krushchev challenged him to a "Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots" match to determine the fate of the world. The blue robot punched Kennedy in the kidneys, and world history was forever changed. Meanwhile, in Kentucky, because it looks like that kid might not get his urine back while it's still fresh, his mother has asked for urine donations to be sent to the family via PeePeePayPal. Copyright 1933, 2006, 2419 James "Kibo" Parry. I urinate on your copyright notice. This material may not be flushed counter-clockwise, except when it's dark on Tuesday. -- K. I apologize for allowing Charles Nelson Reilly to once again go on a murderous rampage. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 17:23:35 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > For reasons I cannot care enough to tell you about I am desolate > this weekend. > Therefore I request stories for entertainment purposes. I don't care what > they're about so long as they're not maudlin nor mawkishly sentimental. > This is your chance to post that story you've been thinking about > for ages now but for one reason or another have held back. Fiction, > non-fiction, science fiction, whatever... > Begin---> SPOT DESTROYS THE CONCEPT OF MAWKISH SENTIMENTALITY by James "Kibo" Parry written just for Terri (NOBODY ELSE READ THIS) Copyright (c) 2006 James "Kibo" Parry, all rights reserved except Terri can read the hell out of this I don't even care how badly-centered these lines are "Zo you zee," said Einstein, "that by firing this laser directly at this piece of Styrofoam, the laser can actually burn a tiny hole in it." "Gosh!" cried Spot, who had never before seen something able to penetrate Styrofoam. "Does this have any practical applications?" "Well, no, except that you could fire the laser at a unicorn statuette carved from dilithium to create a very special explosion that would destroy mawkish sentimentality forever." Spot did that. "Hey!" yelled Einstein. "'You could' is just an expression, not a suggestion!" He looked around at the burning debris where his Periodic Table Of Unicorn Statuettes used to be. Now he would never win the Nobel Prize For Having Every Type Of Unicorn Statuette! He felt so bad about it that he would have cried if he could, but he could no longer be sad because there was no longer any such thing as mawkish sentimentality. Spot and Einstein looked out the window at the lawn. A flock of mawks had been pecking at the grass, but now they had turned into some sort of robot mawk that couldn't be sentimental. The mawks were now busying themselves ignoring the homeless. Spot would have felt sorry for what he did if he could, but there was no longer any such thing as being really, really sorry, so instead he bought a T-shirt that said "YAY! NOW EVERYONE'S A SOCIOPATH AND I AM TOO!" Fortunately, Einstein knew a way to reverse the lack of sentimentality in the world. He merely had to cram eight thousand DVDs of "Grave Of The Fireflies" into the same DVD player, and then trick everyone in the world into watching that DVD player over and over for five years, and then the world would be properly sentimental again, and the mawks would go back to just eating worms instead of eating worms while ignoring the homeless. He added the necessary eight thousand copies of "Grave Of The Fireflies" to his NetFlix queue. In two days, he received sixteen thousand halves of DVDs of "Peter Graves in 'Firefly'" featuring a very old man in outer space. Einstein filled in a form on the Web site to indicate they had sent him the wrong disc eight thousand times, and that that disc had also been broken eight thousand times, and NetFlix tried to make things right by sending him sixty-four thousand tiny shards of "Gravy Of The Fleeflops", even though neither Einstein nor even NetFlix knew what a fleeflop was. Einstein was drowning in fragmentary fleeflops! "Help!" yelled Einstein as the mailman dumped another gigantic stack of fleeflop frags on him. They were pointy, and not what he ordered! Einstein was in agony! Spot, meanwhile, was ignoring Einstein's cries for help, as he was busy setting up the world's largest domino chain reaction. But the North Koreans had secretly tunneled underneath Spot's domino matrix and set off an underground nuclear test. It made some of the dominoes wobble slightly and one of them almost fell over. "Whew!" said Spot, "if that domino had fallen over, I would have felt sad if I could have felt sad if that domino had fallen over which it wouldn't have because if I could still feel sad I'd be crying over Einstein getting NetFlix fragments in his eye instead of wasting my time with pointless domino activities!" Then he finished setting up all the dominoes and he knocked them over. THE END. -- K. You did say it didn't have to be a very good story, right? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 20:44:59 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You did say it didn't have to be a very good story, right? > > I said it could be anything but maudlin or mawklishly sentimental > and in that, you succeeded in spades. Yay! I won a card game or something! > I WILL marry you soon and when I die you.will.be.rich. Piece of advice: Never say "when I die you will be rich" on the Internet, which is made up of 50% sociopaths, 50% psychopaths, and 50% nutters who just like to kill even when there's no financial gain. Any of these people might see your sentence out of context -- especially if I quote it on a line by itself -- and then believe it to be addressing them. So, to be safe, you should say "When I die, everyone on the Internet will be charged a thousand dollars." At that moment, all the resources of sci.* will be devoted to keeping you alive forever! > I will plant a variety of eggplants and peppers and spend my days > making culinary delights just for you upon retirement. Oooh! Can you also cook White Castles? > Thank you and smooches. EWWW!!! GIRL GERMS, COMING AT ME OVER THE INTERNET!!! You're welcome. I can crank out more garbled little stories if you need more, but I may need to rest a few hours first unless you want them all to be about the curried peas I just ate. Mmm, peas. > There's a bonus if you can tell me how to turn on the > fargin' DVD player to watch my birthday present DVD from my son since > my husband is OUT OF TOWN and I can't figure out how to accomplish > this simple task with the FOUR remote controls! They often have an actual physical on/off switch on the front that the remote won't work. The remote does "soft on/off" -- i.e. it can only put the machine to sleep, because if the power went off completely, the machine couldn't watch for you to use the remote. But people like to be able to turn things off all the way to make all the little LED eyes stop staring at them, so usually there's a real on/off switch you have to press with an actual human finger. Try pressing the front-surface power button, then a few seconds later try the remotes -- you might need to take the DVD player on a magical journey from "off" to "asleep" to "standby" to "warming up" to "on" before you get to the "* NO DISC *" part. Both of my DVD players are like that. (Good Sony one for Region 1 discs, cheap Philips one for imports.) My TiVo doesn't have an on/off switch (after all, it's running active Linux processes 24 hours a day, it's a bad idea to abruptly cut the power to any sort of Linux or UNIX box) so in the rare instances where one of the processes crashes I have to reach behind it and pull the power cord out and then wait about ten minutes for the thing to go through fsck'ing hell to get back to where the remote can put it into and out of "standby" mode. I've had to do that to my TiVo twice this year when whatever process that watches the remote locked up. In the future, when more devices have hard-disk-like storage devices that they're writing to all day, every day, you'll see more gadgets designed to fight your attempts to turn them off at the drop of a hat. (Can you say "Wii"?) > I swear this is an intentional guy thing intended to remind us females > we still need them. Also, if there's a picture but no sound, please don't go out and buy a new TV unless you want to give me the old one when I come over and show you where the "mute" button was. And if you do that, don't demand that I make your new TV work exactly like the old one with your old universal remote if you lost the manual for that universal remote. The reason for this paragraph is that I already got one free TV set that way this week and I don't need another. -- K. Peas + butter + curry = yum. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 22:03:48 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] people like to be able to turn things off all the way to make > > all the little LED eyes stop staring at them > > This is why I make Vlad close the doors of the armoire in which the TV > and its various accessories reside. I don't want the aliens to be > able to watch me whilst I sleep. It's been a while since I've mentioned that my old S-VHS VCR can cast a shadow from across the room when its display is turned on (and that's just on "dim", it boils away human flesh if I switch it to "bright".) I eventually got so sick of having to turn it off when I wanted to go to sleep that I removed it from my normal video routing setup so that I could leave it turned off at all times unless I really need to do a tape-to-tape copy (which, I guess, I probably won't need to do too many more times now that S-VHS has become slightly obsolete.) The thing has the only backlit white display I've ever seen on a VCR, it's like a stadium floodlight. A big expanse of white fluorescent tube with a couple digits blocking 0.01% of the intense radiance. I've had flashlights that didn't put out half as much light as that VCR. One theory is that Sony decided this would be the first VCR for people with severe cataracts who wouldn't be able to find the TV screen unless there was a helicopter landing light burning its way through their cataracts. Another theory is that they wanted to be able to say "Never mind the PSP, even our ten-year-old S-VHS VCRs have brighter backlights than the Nintendo DS!" As far as your DVD player watching you: Remember that we Space Vikings don't just see out of every LED in the world. We also see out of your TV screen even when it's turned off, and the one people never guess, we can see through the mirror in your bathroom. "Hi, guy!" Chuck McCann is one of us, even though he's more of a Far Out Space Nut than a properly pedigreed Space Viking. -- K. Ever wonder why so many appliances have clocks in them? It's because in office, you vatch clock, but in Wiking space, clocks vatch you! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 17:39:37 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > For reasons I cannot care enough to tell you about I am desolate > this weekend. > Therefore I request stories for entertainment purposes. I don't care what > they're about so long as they're not maudlin nor mawkishly sentimental. YOGI BEAR CRAPS IN RADIO SHACK by James "Kibo" Parry Copyright (c) 2006 James "Kibo" Parry, as if anyone would want to steal the idea that Yogi Bear craps in Radio Shack (THIS MEANS YOU, HANNA AND BARBERA) And then the reader turned to the first page of the story only to discover it was completely blank because the author refused to write any story stupid enough to have the title "Yogi Bear Craps In Radio Shack". The reader stared at the glaring blank page while the author busied himself writing a business letter. Dear Yogi Bear, Today when I was in Radio Shack you were taking a big crap and when we saw you Mommy made us leave the store without even buying me the batteries I wanted for my pretend light saber which now is only a pretend pretend light saber because it doesn't have any batteries because you made the Radio Shack smell really bad. Have you ever been in the public library? Because it smells sort of like that except also like socks. I mean the kind of socks that go on your feet not the cat named Socks The Cat that the President used to have back when he was taller and smiled more often whether he meant it or not. Do you have any pets? I think that would be a good idea for your next cartoon, it would be about animals who have pets and the pets would also have pet animals and those pets would have really tiny pets and the pets would say "It's a living!" when they had to be put on a leash that was on the end of another leash because they were just pets of pets and not real pets. I wish my pretend light saber really worked but it's your fault. Next time can you please crap in Dress Barn instead because I don't like it when Mommy takes me there? They probably won't even mind because it's Dress Barn not Dress Store so all sorts of animals are allowed to crap in it but you might have to dress up as a cow if you don't want them to catch you. Sincerely, Kibo P.S. It's also okay because Dress Barn already smells. The reader sighed and gave up waiting for any words to appear on the blank page. They closed the book and went to sleep without ever reading anything about Yogi Bear crapping in Radio Shack. THE END. -- K. THIS WAS A TRUE STORY ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 17:54:04 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > For reasons I cannot care enough to tell you about I am desolate > this weekend. > Therefore I request stories for entertainment purposes. I don't care what > they're about so long as they're not maudlin nor mawkishly sentimental. HAPPY DAYS -- EPISODE #2496, "POTSIE'S FIRST DATE" by James "Kibo" Parry Copyright (c) 2006 by the creator of "Happy Days", James "Kibo" Parry "Ayyyyyyyyyyy!" said Fonzie, "Let me tell you again why 'The Canterbury Tales' is better than rap music!" But nobody in Arnold's was listening to Fonzie, because they had all gone on a cross-country river-rafting trip and were stuck somewhere in the middle of the desert because their oars didn't work well on sand. Fonzie was all alone in Arnold's, surrounded by dusty old pennants for nonexistent college teams. Dejectedly, Fonzie went over to the jukebox to cheer himself up by playing some madrigal music. But the jukebox was different! Last night, Arnold had removed the old Rock-Ola and replaced it with something with a big TV screen on the front that said "INTERNET JUKEBOX" above a huge McDonalds logo! Fonzie was perturbed by this intrusion of futuristic technology where he lived, in the 2496th week of the 1950s. But he really wanted to hear those madrigals, so he inserted a nickel into the Internet Jukebox. It automatically fired a Taser at his face for underpayment. "Whoa!" yelled Fonzie, "Tasering the Fonz's face ain't cool!" Then he died from the non-lethal Taser shock, because his body was already weakened from over two thousand simultaneous cases of mononucleosis, plus herpes. Days later, when the cross-country rafting expedition had ended, Potsie came to Arnold's and found Fonzie's corpse moldering on the floor. Potsie took Fonzie's leather jacket and put it on. "Ayyyyyyyyy!" said Potsie, because he was the new Fonzie. Then life went on. TO BE CONTINUED OVER THE NEXT FIVE THOUSAND EPISODES -- K. This is the sort of TV I see whenever I try to close my eyes. HELP ME ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 18:10:16 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > For reasons I cannot care enough to tell you about I am desolate > this weekend. > Therefore I request stories for entertainment purposes. I don't care what > they're about so long as they're not maudlin nor mawkishly sentimental. THE OSCAR MAYER "LUNCHABLES" COMMERCIAL THAT ALMOST WASN'T by James "Kibo" Parry written just for Terri, and anyone else who loves Lunchables(R) Copyright (c) 2006 James "Kibo" Parry "Mmm!" Little Billy was happy that when he opened his lunch at school, Mom had included a fluorescent yellow Lunchables box! His clever strategy had worked -- by simply screaming and crying for eight hours, Mom had agreed to buy him Lunchables to prove she loved him almost as much as the mother in the commercial! Little Billy peeled back the plastic, and was aghast to discover that not only was it the new Durian/Lutefisk Combo Lunchables, but that the seal had ruptured somehow and allowed the pocket of durian goo to mingle with the compartment of lutefisk whiz. And the tiny packet of chocolate jimmies (for the lutefisk) was actually a packet of chocolate herbies, and he was afraid to eat them because a guy named Herbie kept beating him up during gym class! Little Billy sobbed into his lutefisk. The corporate executives turned away from the TV screen they had just watched that commercial on. "What were you thinking?" screamed the CEO. "A commercial like that could ruin our company! We're supposed to be trying to make kids eat more lutefisk, not telling them the truth about how our product will magically cause bullies named Herbie to beat them up!" Everyone was fired. The new executive team hired a different ad agency to make a better commercial. It featured computer-animated super-robots wearing backwards baseball caps. They were enjoying the taste of Lunchables while playing backwards baseball. Sales skyrocketed, without encouraging Herbie to beat up anyone! Herbie was frustrated so he beat up the gym teacher, and everybody was happy. THE END. -- K. One theory is that the corporations of the world are gradually getting kids acclimated to this sort of food so that eventually they can just get mothers to feed the kids dog food, to bypass government regulations on the ingredients allowed in people food. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 18:27:51 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > For reasons I cannot care enough to tell you about I am desolate > this weekend. > Therefore I request stories for entertainment purposes. I don't care what > they're about so long as they're not maudlin nor mawkishly sentimental. THE UNSTOPPABLE SUPER PORN! by James "Kibo" Parry (writing under the name ANDY ROONEY) Copyright (c) 2006 James "Kibo" Parry Ned the Nervous Ninja pulled on his black latex ninja outfit and prepared to slide down the playground slide into the ball pit filled with a mixture of balls and hookers. But suddenly, the hookers disappeared, and Ned's latex ninja suit disappeared, leaving him named in the middle of Chuck E. Cheese. "Waah!" cried Ned, "Pornography was suddenly outlawed, mid-daydream!" Apparently one of the hemispheres of his brain had seized control of the other to put a stop to his dirty thoughts. And a guy dressed as a giant rat was pointing at him and laughing! Ned should have known better than to have his dirty daydreams while he was supposed to be working at Chuck E. Cheese as the Naked Ball Pit Inspector! He finished counting the balls to ensure that the red, yellow, and blue ones were evenly mixed, then climbed out of the ball pit and put his apron back on to help the rat knead the dough. THE END. -- K. Wait, what made that "unstoppable"? I want my money back. REASON FOR REFUND: PORN STOPPED ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 18:36:00 -0400 .K -- Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > For reasons I cannot care enough to tell you about I am desolate > this weekend. > Therefore I request stories for entertainment purposes. I don't care what > they're about so long as they're not maudlin nor mawkishly sentimental. So do news stories count as stories, or do they have to be the kind of stories that aren't contaminated by news? I just saw one that was in between: [www.guardian.co.uk headline] -> -> An explosion of delight -> -> Mobile clubbing is more than a fad: it delivers a joyous -> mirror image of a terrorist attack "Here in Bizarro World, me am unjoying this joyous mirror image of a terrorist attack!" grunted Bizarro Number One as he looked in his mirror, which was made of burning wax paper. Forcing people into mobile clubs at gunpoint was a great idea! The only problem was that people kept escaping from the mobile clubs, usually walking straight through their imaginary boundaries. Bizarro was sad, so he smiled. Then everyone's lives were lengthened when they were blown to bits by an explosion of delight. THE START. Copyright (c) 2006 Everybody But James "Kibo" Parry all rights reversed !BIZARRO ABOUT STORY A IS THIS :stneser ylduorp obiK ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 18:57:23 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > For reasons I cannot care enough to tell you about I am desolate > this weekend. > Therefore I request stories for entertainment purposes. I don't care what > they're about so long as they're not maudlin nor mawkishly sentimental. All right, all right, I'll do one more, geez, stop being quoted so many times! THE TRUEST STORY EVER TOLD: WHY THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION HAPPENED ON THE MOON by James "Kibo" Parry and it must be true because it's copyright (c) 2006 James "Kibo" Parry Now it can be told! Because words have been invented for it! Words like! "frabblety frootizurp"! So as of today we know the true story! The story why Kennedy died on the Moon! And his name was! Ted! Teddy Kennedy had been drinking, and he didn't want anyone to catch him because the Kennedy family was keeping it a big secret that Teddy would get drunk once or twice a year, so he snuck onto the dark side of the Moon, which never gets any sunlight because it faces away from the Earth because the Earth and the Sun are the same sort of thing. But he was killed when the Apollo 27 capsule accidentally landed on him. It was like that scene in "The Wizard Of Oz" except all science-fictiony and much less stupid than "Zardoz". This is in contrast to his brother JFK -- whose birth certificate misspelled his first name as "John" instead of "Jfk" -- who was killed during the filming of the pilot of NBC's reality TV show, "Can You Survive A Motorcade Trip Through Dealey Plaza?" The first episode, written and produced by Abraham Zapruder, got great ratings as it ran non-stop on every TV network for several weeks, but oddly no stations carried the second episode, which featured Big Bird riding a wacky tricycle through Dealey Plaza while Elmo fired a sniper rifle. Of course some would have you believe it was Kermit who fired those shots but it was impossible for him to have done so because the little sticks holding up his hands could not support the weight of a loaded Mannlicher-Carcano. This is why in the most famous photo of Kermit he is holding up a newspaper and an unloaded Mannlicher-Carcano. The Government has also claimed that another Kennedy, referred to as "RFK", was also shot, but this is obviously a fabrication because it is unlikely two people could be born with two of the same initials in common, let alone all of their initials being consonants. After Apollo 27, subsequent Moon landings were faked by Len Cella using a combination of a video camera and most of a piece of string. When asked to comment, he had this to say: "Frabblety footizurp!" And NOW you know the REST of the STORY so you can stop trying to READ anything else you might see ANYWHERE. THE END, Q.E.D., CHECKMATE, WRITING THIS MADE ME SMARTER THAN YOU!!!!!! -- K. Why my recent interest in trying to make up stupider and stupider Kennedy conspiracy theories? It's because of someone's answering machine greeting which _requires_ me to make up new ones if I ever want to get called back. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 17:00:35 -0400 "sara" (saralarrsen@gmail.com) wrote: > > THE GUY part 2 > > The guy was so relieved that he reached to honk his > horn in fetid joy but forgot he had hooked Terri's DVD player > to his dashboard. He was so busy trying to avoid mashing the > mawk button he tooted his rebar by accident which proceeded > to not only give him a good whipping but also resent the whole > stinking post. I saw that you'd sent the first chapter twice but was being too polite to point it out, because I am an unfailingly polite person. Also, I never lie. (Somewhere, dozens of androids' heads explode.) A whipping with rebar, now that's an interesting image. I need to find a place where I can do that. > Sara > Unfortunately he did not have his lucky Popeil's Pocket Post > Fisherman to retrieve the unfortunate reposte I've always wondered what Ron Popeil's reasoning was when he created the Pocket Fisherman. "I never know when an opportunity to go fishing might arise! I might be wandering around aimlessly and accidentally discover a new ocean, therefore, I better have a fishing kit in my pocket or I'll starve to death!" Either that or he just wanted to have an answer to "Is that a rod in your pocket, or are you just carrying around a lousy Pocket Fisherman?" I hypothesize that in Ron Popeil's worldview, carrying around a Pocket Fisherman was the equivalent of owning a GameBoy. Except that instead of providing actual fun when he was on a city bus, it only promised potential fun if a fishing hole ever sprang into existence before him and if fishing could be fun, which it isn't. Fishing is like golf without the golf part. -- K. So did anyone else here ever have the K-Tel brand pantograph? I forget what stupid name the thing had. It was too flimsy and light to be able to draw anything anyway. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 16:24:14 -0400 "sara" (saralarrsen@gmail.com) wrote: > > Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > > > [...] I request stories for entertainment purposes. > > The guy was driving his car when suddenly it hit him, that > "Ah, no! I'm going to crap myself right this minute" nightmare. > Beads of sweat trickeled into his unibrow. He squeezed > his butt cheeks so tightly that some of the leatherette seating > got sucked up as well. > > And then he realized it was Sunday dammit Sunday! He was just > driving through random neighborhoods looking for slacks and killed > monkeys. He grinned and relaxed. > > The leatherette had almost finished sighing before it gasped. Monkeys, poop, a car chase -- this story has all the elements needed to make it into the most profitable Major Motion Picture of all time, except for real leather. If you can cram some leather into your story (black leather, not the wimpy brown stuff) I can submit it to some respected Hollywood directors. (I think I still have Uwe Boll's address around here, but don't worry, I won't let him have your wonderful story. Also he's not respected and not in Hollywood and the story was a true story about him.) -- K. Which neighborhoods have the most dead monkeys? I only know about the ones you find in the trash cans behind the Blue Man Group theater. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 21:49:45 -0400 "sara" (saralarrsen@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Which neighborhoods have the most dead monkeys? > > I only know about the ones you find in the trash cans > > behind the Blue Man Group theater. > > Oh, that's easy: Dr. Christiian Barnard's neighborhood. I meant _whole_ dead monkeys, not ones with the hearts removed. In order to get enough replacement monkey hearts, I'd have to buy a whole bunch of those frozen breaded "veal" elliptipucks. Speaking of yummy meat, today at the supermarket they had a special on boneless thin-cut pork chops, and I had a can of spinach waiting for me to eat it, so I poured a bunch of hot sauce and curry powder over the pork chops and spinach, added a little olive oil, some dried onion flakes and dried green pepper bits, then did the slow-cook thing for a couple hours to get a nice curried-pork-and-spinach stew. I'm going to have some spicy pork broth left over, which I'm thinking I'll use in something like a barley pilaf tomorrow. Anyway, because I just had dinner, right now I'm full of meat. MEAT, MEAT, MEAT, MEAT! Occasionally I forget how wonderful making your own pork broth can be, so I'm really looking forward to working with the leftover broth, even though I already ate all the meat chunks. I wonder what Christiaan Barnard had for dinner today? Oh, wait, turns out he's dead. So then who keeps leaving behind all these monkeys with holes in the middle? -- K. And really, does anyone admit to liking Blue Man Group? They're basically like if Carrot Top tried to do butoh, and I know nobody likes either of those two, so is it even possible for anyone to like Blue Man Group? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eddie-Dog Weirdness And A Dissertation On Chairs Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 21:03:39 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > [...] > > Lots42 says less dick-headed stuff than other dickheads. I'm confused. Is that good, or bad? This is turning into one of those Encounter Games brand educational therapy games that are even less fun than "WFF 'n' Proof". Like, I think we're going to have to draw up some sort of commutation diagram to divide people into categories such as "people who are not dickheads but say more dickheaded stuff than people who are dickheads but say less dickheaded stuff than Brand X dickheads." My motto is "To thine own self be true," which means dickheads _should_ say dickheaded stuff! No, wait, that's not my motto. Umm, did John Cleese ever say anything clever with the word "dickhead" in it? If so, that'll be my motto. Also, hyphenation should be consistent. Too bad it isn't. Whoever made up the hyphenation rules for English was a dickhead and hyphenation should be abolished to promote happy squishy peace among different parts of speech. > [...] > > I'm just sayin...shit on _me_ first, Lots42 second. I can take it. > I have no disabilities that I can't defend if I choose to. > Go on. Dish it out. Everyone who wants to take a dump on Lots > do this: > Start a thread entitled: Terri is a fucking cunt because: > then list the reasons. > *I* can take it and don't really care nor give a flying fuck. I'm going to score that as 10 points. It would have been only 5, but you used all the swear words that were showing on the three Swear Dice. Too bad we lost the rule sheet because now I don't remember whether I have to flip over the egg timer before or after I draw a new Rorschach card and tape it to my forehead. Why do these games have so many rules if everybody always wins? It's too bad they never ratified that Constitutional amendment in the '70s to force everyone in the United States to play Encounter Games brand therapy games in between Esperanto lessons and buying the world a Coke. I never even got to play some of the most notorious Encounter Games, like "Blacks And Whites", which I assume was something about a bunch of honkies sitting around the card table yelling "NEEGER!!!" at each other. All I had was "WFF 'n' Proof" and it only taught _abstract_ symbolic logic, not how to survive in a racist society where the cops use dice to determine who's in which ethnic group. > [...] > > Lots can choose to participate or not but I'll defend him TO THE DEATH > on account of he has a heart, is kind, and generally a benign person. My Dopey Astrology Star Sign is "Cancer". So can I be benign too, or do we need to do an astrological biopsy first? Astrological biopsies hurt!!! Owwwwww my silver cord... -- K. I FEEL THE WUV! And without even having to choke down one of those horrible little Necco hearts! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eddie-Dog Weirdness And A Dissertation On Chairs Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2006 23:50:27 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Hell, you don't even have to give up being petulant and self-absorbed. > You just have to not do it in the public forum where you don't want to > picked on for being petulant and self-absorbed. I know it's worked > for me! That's a good strategy, but I prefer to brag about how self-absorbed I am. Then nobody will mock me for fear of being thrown into The Obvious Bag. It's like how if someone runs up to you and says, "Hey, you're taller than me!" you can just stare at them because no snappy comeback is needed to make it clear how dumb they'd have to be to have pointed out something so self-evident. Also, anyone who'd feel we needed to hear them say something that obvious is almost as self-absorbed as me, just not as smart. Of course, everything I just said would be obvious to anyone as smart as me, but that's okay because Einstein and Hero Of Alexandria are both too dead to read my stupid articles. YAY I WIN THE GENIUS TONTINE! -- K. Hey, it's filled with mismatched socks and boiling mercury! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eddie-Dog Weirdness And A Dissertation On Chairs Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2006 18:20:25 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > [...] > > Wait, don't tell me, the magical fairies who fill the coffeepot and > change the paper towels in your mansion keep your hands from ever getting > dirty outside the bathroom. There's no need to get snippy just because the rest of us live in a fancy mansion while you still live in that place that used to be a Fotomat. In fact, most of us live in the same mansion. A.r.k lives in a big mansion in zany sitcom land where our wacky neighbors include sci.physics, Lenny & Squiggy, rec.org.mensa, and Potsie. Of course, this occasionally leads to hilarious mix-ups when the real Potsie meets one of the many virtual Potsies living in sci.physics. > [...] You must have a lot nicer paper towels in your office than > I ever have, if leaving the roll damp doesn't result in a musty, > loamy smell that later rubs off onto everybody's freshly dried hands. Oh, those brown ones that are made from a mixture of compressed peat and used sawdust from the circus floor? Those are plenty gross and every time you wash your hands I bet you feel like you're eating at Wendy's. You should consider just grabbing a ream of copier paper from the office supply closet and using that. Also, when you do that, yell, "I AM GRABBING A REAM!" while making a lewd face and people will stop following you into the bathroom. Or start, depending on the office. Of course, if you work at a paper company, everything's different, and you should just let Steve Carrell talk to the camera for half an hour and then you can go to the bathroom during "My Name Is Earl". Life is good here in sitcom-land! I'm glad we chose to live here and not game-show-land. Over there all the groceries are expensive and worse, sometimes when you try to buy something you just get a zonk. Also, every time any sort of wheel goes around there's a chance of you randomly going bankrupt, if you haven't already been mugged by roving packs of Whammies. -- K. Can we move to "24"-land so I can save the world 24 times a day and get a magic cell phone? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Coming of Age Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 22:15:20 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol01@notthisverizon.net) wrote: > > > > No, the nostril hair didn't sprout out until I was about fitty. No ear > > hair yet. > > Lucky you! > > I could hit a tee shot offa what's growin' out of Vlad's ears. > Luckily, I've talked him into having his ears and nostrils waxed (yes, > waxed) at a local salon. It's a hoot! For the nose, they load up a > couple of popsicle sticks with goopy warm wax and shove them up his > nostrils, wait a few minutes, then rip 'em out!! I'm not sure of the > ear process, but I'm tellin you they are as clean as a baby's when > they're done! I'd think that as a loving wife you could perform this service for him yourself. And forget the wax. Tweezers work fine. Nose hairs pull right out if you apply a mere twenty to fifty pounds of yank, and if he asks whether this is an accepted procedure, point out that all his favorite TV and movie stars do it every time they need to do a scene where they're crying. Even Greg Brady said the nice production assistants ripped out some of his nose hairs when they had to film the teary goodbye to Tiger (in the famous episode where the dog that played Tiger had gotten run over so they replaced him with an untrained stand-in whose collar had to be nailed to the floor in order to keep him on the set long enough for the kids to say their weepy goodbye.) I really don't get guys who shave their chests, etc. Doesn't it take about six hours a day to shave your whole body if you're hairy all over like us real men? And who the hell could be turned on by a chest with stubble on it? That would be like sandpaper with nipples. I just like to get rid of the ear hairs because I hate hearing a super-loud rustling sound when I stick my fingers in my ears every time that commercial comes on. You know the one I mean. -- K. CURSE YOU AMEX!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: nose hairs (was: Coming of Age) Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2006 23:13:20 -0400 [Glenn has nose hair] Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] And forget the wax. Tweezers work fine. Nose hairs > > pull right out if you apply a mere twenty to fifty pounds of yank, > > and if he asks whether this is an accepted procedure, point out that > > all his favorite TV and movie stars do it every time they need to > > do a scene where they're crying. > > Sneezing productively is more like it. And make sure you have the > tissues with the lotion handy, because the uncoated ones will melt away > from the force of the sneeze like nylon threads in a Bic lighter flame. Plucking your nose hair makes you sneeze? Odd. Are you also one of those people with the "photic sneeze reflex" where staring at the Sun makes you sneeze right after you go blind? Apparently that's pretty common, but it doesn't work for me. Or for most of the other people I shine a floodlight on from my black helicopter. So what happens if you pluck your ear hair? Does ear wax come shooting out towards any nearby birthday cake? -- K. If not, where _does_ it go? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: nose hairs (was: Coming of Age) Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2006 05:06:51 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > [...] > > My little sister actually had to take a class in "cerumen management." Why can't you just speak plain English and say she works at Comcast? -- K. I have a choice between Comcast and another cable company, but I think the other one is run by a glob of "eye hockey". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Attn Paula, Terri, Dave DeLaney, Kibo, etc Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 22:40:12 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > A guy came over today to deliver my new exercise bike. [...] What happened to your _old_ exercise bike? Did some guy steal it by riding off on it? If so, it probably wasn't a very good exercise bike. I think you should annoy the neighbors by getting a Harley-Davidson exercise bike. It would have loud pipes to save lives, and because you don't need a license to ride a stationary bike, the cops couldn't take away anyone's license if they drank a beer while they sat on it gunning the engine for six hours while watching soap operas. In no time at all, you'd be in as good shape as any other Harley dude! They used to sell little generators for exercise bikes that would power your TV only if you pedaled, as a form of motivation or possibly punishment. I think a BitTorrent client would be better. Each revolution of the wheel would transfer another megabyte, so the more exercise you did, the faster your Japanese snuff porn would download. And the moment you stopped pedalling, all the people leeching off you would flood the Internet with "PLZ S33D CUZ (your name here) ST0PP3D X3RC1S1NG!" -- K. How come they make exercise bikes but I can't buy an exercise subway? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.math,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kant Categorical Imperative applied to future Internet developments Re: website certificate annoyance from secure.img-cdn.mediaplex.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 23:42:15 -0400 In news.admin.net-abuse.misc, sci.math, and sci.physics, "a_plutonium" (a_plutonium@dtgnet.com) wrote: > > [...] > > So these two tenets should be required: > > (1) do not allow software that diverts and interrupts and disrupts the > *time of the user*. Software should not be attacking users and taking of > their time I agree with you, only human beings should get to waste other people's time. Time-wasting is not for computers -- humans should get to waste all the time in the world. Or, in simpler terms, DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY > (2) make third (or more) parties illegal I don't think you'll have to worry. There's not even much chance of you being invited to two parties during your lifetime. > Archimedes Plutonium > www.iw.net/~a_plutonium > whole entire Universe is just one big atom > where dots of the electron-dot-cloud are galaxies You know, I've been waiting thirteen years for you to explain what the protons and neutrons are. It's not like it should be hard for you to figure out, because protons and neutrons are a lot bigger than "dots", and the objects they represent must be bigger than galaxies you should be able to look out the window and see whatever they are. Please tell us what giant imaginary things you see out your window. -- K. If your answer is "a head", then you're looking in the mirror. Remember, you're looking for huge round things that _aren't_ attached to you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Lurv the Intry Net Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 15:41:49 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Last night, I was eating dinner--yummy yummy filet of fresh-caught > bluefish, sauteed in olive oil and butter with garlic, lemon juice, > and dijon mustard, with a side of rice and some pan-fried banana. Sounds great, though I would've also added some capers. And shallots, if they were available (they're a pain to find around here.) > About two bites before the end of the meal, I swallowed the one and > only tiny fish bone left in the whole entire filet. It got caught in > my throat--way down in my throat. It did not obstruct my breathing, > but it hurt when I swallowed--not in a horribly hideously, > want-to-tear-my-throat-out-if-that's-what-it-takes-to-get-the-bone-out > way but in a very uncomfortable three-part pain that made me want to > never swallow again. Three-part pain? Hmm. I wonder what's the world record for the most parts a pain has ever had... and whether it's held by the Capsela company. > I wasn't sure whether the bone was stuck there or had just scratched > the hell out of my throat on the way down. I tried eating the rest of > the banana, drinking a bunch of water, and downing a shot of applejack > (in case I just needed to numb the throat). Still hurt to swallow > (that three-part pain was very peculiar-feeling, aside from hurty). > After ten minutes or so, I decided to distract myself by reading ARK > and looking up stuck fish bone remedies online. www.helpihaveafishboneinmythroat.com or you could look in Wikipedia, which would give you a list of "Star Trek" and "Pokemon" episodes that mentioned fish bones. > Huzzah! Various helpful Web sites told me to eat more banana, but to > swallow a hunk of banana whole instead of chewing it up first. You're right, the Internet is mostly porn. You're lucky you had bananas around instead of kielbasa or firehoses. > "It will not catch on the fish bone" one site promised. And since > EVERYTHING ON THE INTRY WEB IS TRUE, I decided to try it. I had > finished the dinner banana but still had several uneaten bananas. > > By gorry, it worked on the first try. Pain-on-swallowing went away, > and I didn't have to drive 40 miles to the emergency room and sit > there for hours, it being Saturday night, the most popular night of > the week for the ER (or is that Friday?) OR (the alternative I > probably would have chosen) sit home in pain and wonder whether I > should be driving to the ER. > > THANK YOU IMAGINARY PEOPLE ON THE INTRY WEB! You're welcome. Now I can shut down www.helpihaveafishboneinmythroat.com. The whole reason I set it up in the first place was that it was a spyware delivery site. Now everyone who's ever had a fish bone in their throat has spyware installed on their computer, and the only way to get it out is to cram a banana into the floppy drive. > Throat is a little sore this morning, but coffee still tastes good. Coffee... tastes... good? Uh oh, you're delirious. [then later] barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > It wasn't that scary. If I couldn't breathe, that would have been > scary. www.helpicantbreathe.com. You'll need some plastic wrap, a pair of pantyhose with a knot tied in them, several shower curtain hooks, a motel room with a really strong bar in the closet, and that guy who was in "Dr. Cyclops". Turns out that the Internet may be full of perverts, but at least they love giving people advice about everything. Don't you hate it when you're reading a story about group sex and it turns into a discussion of how to improve your golf swing? And then there's that one where, halfway through, it just starts describing the layout of the buttons on the TIE Fighter's control panel. Anyway, I'm glad you're okay. Did you at least peel the banana first? -- K. This is why I like fried scallops. No bones. Just sand, and gravel, and various sizes of boulders. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You Guys Are Not Posting Fast Enough! Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 16:03:48 -0400 Darkla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > Since I am a non-worker bee, I dislike weekends in general because > only weird TV is on, and because posting levels drop dramatically as > worker bees use the time to interact with one another and to do > "chores." > > I check ARK roughly every ten minutes, and you people are only giving > up 4 to 6 posts at a time. C'mon--- can't you step up production a > LITTLE? If this keeps up I am going to have to go back to doing > laundry. Sheesh. Yesterday I posted about five stories -- each TWENTY PAGES LONG -- that I improvised at the drop of a hat for Terri. And now you're telling me I wasn't posting fast enough? All right, here are five stories written within five minutes, just for you: SPOT AND THE EXPLODING RAVIOLI Spot stuck his fork into a raviolus and it popped. An alien face-hugger sprang out and wrapped itself around his head like spaghetti around a fork! "I should have had spaghetti instead," said Spot, as the ravioli monster ate his brain. * ding * SPOT RIDES A STEAMROLLER Spot failed to see the sign saying "WARNING: DUE TO ROAD CONSTRUCTION, REVERSED GRAVITY AHEAD" and didn't think anything was wrong until his steamroller was on top of him. Serves him right for trying to do his own road construction project where other people were already doing a legitimate one. The highway from his front door to Candyland was never finished. * ding * EINSTEIN'S FIRST HAIRCUT "Waah!" screamed Einstein. "Waah, waah, waah!" But the barber kept snipping away. "Waah! This proves haircuts _do_ hurt! Waah, waah, waah, waah!" But fortunately, as Einstein heard his own rhythmic crying, this gave him an idea for a brilliant new Quantum Resonance Theory which would someday revolutionize everything -- but then the barber gave him a lollipop and he stopped crying so now we don't have wristwatches with real time machines in them. * ding * CAPTAIN SLOPPY MEETS BUMPY THE DISEASED BEAVER The doorbell said "Ding-dong!" and Captain Sloppy cartwheeled over to it, to better entertain the kids watching his show in case they might get bored and switch channels during the one and a half seconds it would have taken to walk across the tiny set. He pulled open the door and there stood Bumpy The Diseased Beaver. He was dead! That meant it was time for a cartoon. * ding * SPOT'S EXTREME JET LAG Due to a booking error which consisted of Spot choosing Northwest Airlines, the 747 Spot was on flew from point A to point B by going around the world eight times non-stop. Because this meant Spot crossed the International Date Line eight times in the same direction, this meant he was now more than a week behind everyone else! This made conversation difficult. It annoyed everyone. Someone punched him, and eight days later he said "Ow!" So to fix it he had to go around the International Date Line eight more times, but because he was eight days late getting there, they had closed it for the summer. * BONG * I win!!!! > Make it snappy--- I have to go to dinner tonight at the home of an > environmental and women's studies professor and her toddler child, and > the chair of the philosophy department and his lovely and shy teenage > daughter will be there as well. > > WHO HAS PEOPLE OVER FOR DINNER ON A SUNDAY NIGHT?? Marge Simpson. Except for those couple of early seasons when they moved her to Thursday night to finally kill the damn Cosby show. But for the last twelve or so years she's been stuck living her life on Sundays, which I guess is why she keeps going to church every half hour. > Sunday night is for footy pajamas, Jiffy-Pop, and Ed Sullivan. If you're into that sort of thing, but I personally find necrophilia gross. And not the good kind of gross. It's almost as gross as what you get if you try making Jiffy-Pop on an electric stove. -- K. As far as footy pajamas go, remember to start every adventure by looking for your cape. You really should keep the cape in a special place, 'cause life's rough when you lose your stuff. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You Guys Are Not Posting Fast Enough! Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 22:29:56 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Sheesh. Yesterday I posted about five stories -- each TWENTY PAGES > > LONG -- that I improvised at the drop of a hat for Terri. > > Well of course I didn't read those... THEY WERE FOR TERRI!! > > Thanks for mine, though--- that was a huge help. Uh oh. I forgot to tell Terri not to read yours. So now she's gotten twice the recommended daily dose of entertainment. Watch out, that has the same effect as drinking two bottles of hot sauce. RUN! Before she explodes from an overdose of the wonderment that is Kibo! We need to find a way to keep people from absorbing too much Kibo, for their own good. We must place strict restrictions on other people's personal freedom to protect them all from me. I say this as an altruist. Don't come near me, I'm dangerously altruistic! -- K. And yet I never rewind any DVDs before I return them to NetFlix. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You Guys Are Not Posting Fast Enough! Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 16:32:21 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@Gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Sunday night is for footy pajamas, Jiffy-Pop, and Ed Sullivan. > > My braaane! > > I did NOT want the mental image of Ed Sullivan wearing footy pajamas > that have been stuffed with freshly made, buttered popcorn. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, here is my impression of Ed Sullivan wearing feety pajamas stuffed with movie-theater-butter-flavored popcorn: DUHHHHHHHHH LOOKIT ME I'M ED SUWWIVAN!!! DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I got nothin'. I'm only posting because Darla told us to. Also I like the sound of my own voice: DUHHHHHHHHHHHH LOOKIT ME THIS IS MY OWN VOICE!!! DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! -- K. If you ask nicely, I can also do impressions of Howard Cosell, Gene Shalit, and Jimmie "J.J." Walker. When I was a kid, Truman Capote was on TV all the time (he was a frequent panelist on "Liar's Club") but today's celebrities just aren't worth doing really easy impressions of. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You Guys Are Not Posting Fast Enough! Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 16:36:31 -0400 I just wrote: > > DUHHHHHHHHHHHH LOOKIT ME THIS IS MY OWN VOICE!!! DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Hey, I don't sound like that! I think there's something wrong with this tape recorder! Mommy, make the tape recorder stop lying! -- K. So how many seconds elapsed between Edison inventing the wax-cylinder sound-recording machine and him trying to fart into it? It's stunning to realize that all his hundreds of inventions were merely part of his lifelong obsession to improve on the rubber whoopee cushion. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You Guys Are Not Posting Fast Enough! Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 16:18:07 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@Gmail.com) wrote: > > > > I check ARK roughly every ten minutes, and you people > > are only giving up 4 to 6 posts at a time. C'mon--- can't you > > step up production a LITTLE? If this keeps up I am going to > > have to go back to doing laundry. > > Hey, we WERE picking on Lots42, and beating a dead cow to death (not > that we had to wander far for that), resulting in HUNDREDS, if not > DOZENS of posts. Wait, you guys killed Lots42? Oh no! At what flea market will the funeral be held? I'll go, since they might have bootleg DVDs there. I still haven't found a good price on Sabu's latest movie. ("Dead Run". I bet it has people running in it.*) > You want we shoulf fax MORE of that stuff to this BBS chat room after all? That depends. Does "we" include G----e H-----d? > And what's this laundry stuff? Weekends are for launching pumpkins > with trebuchets, turning shy, teenage daughters to the dark side > (marshmallow paste not included) and teaching dogs to "fetch" Social > Security checks. I didn't think dogs lived that long, and even if you did get your dog to turn 65, wouldn't he be kind of tired? > Besides, I was told that the intraveineousnet doesn't work on Sunday. > I still have plastic bags over my modems and telephones from last time > they blew the dead bits out of the phone lines. "Norton Disk Doctor has detected necrotic sectors on your hard drive..." -- K. Oh no! Your computer caught a flesh-eating computer virus! * See, this is a reference just for the two English-speaking people who have as many Sabu movies as I do (which would be all his movies except for "Dead Run".) His trademark is that he likes lots of shots of people running. If you don't believe me, see "Dangan Runner", which is like if Benny Hill made a violent crime-spree movie. I considered being the guy from "Unlucky Monkey" for Halloween (do you know how hard it is to find a white ski mask with red trim?) but decided to just be an ordinary everyday ninja instead because I only have enough lung capacity for quiet sneaking, not running for hundreds of blocks. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Pink news... Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 23:40:16 -0400 [news.bbc.co.uk, linked from Fark.com] -> -> In the pink -- will it improve the city? -> -> By Amarnath Tewary Aurangabad, Bihar -> -> Think pink in India, and you instantly recall the northern -> city of Jaipur which is dubbed the Pink City after its -> terracotta-colour dwellings. -> -> Now a crime-infested town in the badlands of Bihar, one of -> the country's most backward and poorest states, is painting -> itself pink to uplift, according to authorities, its -> sagging morale and spirit. That's what they get for giving Joe Arpaio the key to the city. If it wasn't Joe Arpaio, then maybe it was the University Of Iowa's football coach. -> Aurangabad (population: 2 million) is one of the most -> crime-infested towns of Bihar and a hotbed of Maoist rebel -> activity -- nearly 90 people died in two major attacks -> involving the rebels in 1987 and 2000 alone. -> -> The authorities feel pink is the way to go for Aurangabad -> residents to feel proud of their town again. -> -> Travel into the city today and you find the facades of most -> of the private and government buildings painted a gaudy pink. Did they do it like in that one Pink Panther cartoon where the little guy is trying to paint the walls blue but the Pink Panther sets up a lawn sprinkler filled with pink paint? That's one of the better ones, but not as good as the one that's all about the Panther taking lots of LSD. -> "About 80% of the buildings have been painted pink in the -> town and the rest would be completed by next week," the -> town's sub-division officer Arvind Kumar Singh said. -> -> 'Pink fosters harmony' -> -> Mr Singh says he thought of painting Aurangabad pink after -> a visit to Jaipur. -> -> "What better colour than pink which symbolises good mood, -> soothing sight and good feelings. Pink also fosters -> communal amity and harmony," he says. Um, no. Actual research studies have been done on the effects of brightly-colored environments -- this is why hospitals and school cafeterias tend to be painted that horrible mint green. Being in a room with bright pink walls (not unlike being in the Barbie aisle of Toys R Us) has been found to make people very agitated and aggressive. There are plenty of quackish books about the effects of color on human emotions (written by people with self-awarded degrees in Colorology) but actual scientific research has never said that pink is inherently good. Some studies have said color doesn't do anything, and some have said pink turns people violent. To wit: Pellegrini, R.J., Schauss, A.G., Miller, M.E. (1981). Room Color and Aggression in a Criminal Detention Holding Cell: A Test of the "Tranquilizing Pink" Hypothesis. Journal of Othomolecular Psychiatry, 10, 174-181. Sorry, I can't find an online copy of the article, as J. Ortho. Psych. has only a partial online archive. Basically, the article says that if you put prisoners in pink cells they're more likely to start hitting each other. And if you don't believe me, go stand in that Barbie aisle, and within thirty seconds some kid will punch you in the nuts. That's if you have any, though if you did you'd probably not be anywhere near that aisle to start with. -> Accordingly, the government buildings were all painted -> pink, and now private dwellings seem to be following suit -> without much resistance. Four of the six hotels in the town -> already sport the colour. -> -> "Initially I met with some resistance. Now even a former -> member of parliament from the town has painted his palatial -> home pink," says Mr Singh. -> -> The authorities even put pressure on residents to paint -> their buildings pink using a 1992 municipal law. -> -> Now they are so obsessed with the colour that even official -> leaflets are being printed in pink. -> -> "Pink Aurangabad, clean Aurangabad, green Aurangabad and -> disciplined Aurangabad," exhorts one of the pink leaflets. Now that the government has standardized on all documents being printed on the Cosmic Pink Astrobright paper, they need to settle on one font for all printed matter. They'll probably go with something like Cooper Black (well, actually, Cooper Pink) or maybe a nice Biffo Script. (I am using the term "nice" in the insulting manner, as in "Hey, you're nicely obnoxious.") -> It is still not exactly clear how painting homes and -> offices pink can bring down spiralling crime and unrest in -> a place where caste violence is rife and only 30% of the -> people can read and write. But at least now the illiterate population has pretty pink pamphlets to eat. -> [...] -> -> Government school buildings funded under a federal mass -> education scheme have to be painted pink, according to a -> local notification. -> -> Aurangabad authorities want to best that directive. -> -> "We will get the name of the town in record books as the -> real pink city of India," says Mr Singh. J. R. "Bob" Dobbs would have something to say about that. And now, here are highlights of some of my previous articles on the subject of rooms painted bright pink: //// RE-RUNS BEGIN ////////////////////////////////////////////////////// [from an article I posted on March 8, 2004:] [from The New York Times -- in the "Arts" section, believe it or not -- http://www.nytimes.com/2004/03/06/arts/06PAIN.html] -> -> He Harms/She Harms: A Distinction With Real Difference -> -> By DINITIA SMITH -> -> New York Times -> -> When David Williams, a psychologist at the University of -> Westminster in London, was deciding how to construct a pain -> machine, he realized a kitchen scale would do the trick. He -> attached a guillotinelike device to it, though he hastens to -> point out that the edge was "really blunt, not as sharp as a -> razor." It was designed to hit at the fingernail's half moon, -> where one can inflict pain without doing serious bodily harm. The "hurt/harm" distinction is as important to mad scientists as the "use/mention" distinction is to the writers of style manuals. Also, they both get really strict with people. [...] -> And, yes, decor matters. In another experiment he found, not -> surprisingly, that graphic pictures of wounds hanging on the -> walls made people call it quits earlier. Some of the more sensible ones quit even before he yelled, "WELCOME TO DR. SADIST'S HOUSE OF REALLY FUCKING OBVIOUS RESEARCH!!! LET'S FIND OUT IF IT MAKES YOU UNHAPPY WHEN I SHOW YOU PICTURES OF SUCKING CHEST WOUNDS WHILE I CRUSH YOUR FINGERS FOR SCIENCE!!!" -> Therefore redecorating hospitals to make them less threatening -> to patients makes sense, Mr. Williams said. Where is this hospital with "graphic pictures of wounds hanging on the walls"? I'd rather go there than look at another damn Anne Geddes photo. Those things are SICK! -> The smell of pine disinfectant is pervasive, and machinery and -> medical instruments are in full view. So just blindfold the patients and plug up their noses! -> "Only an operating room needs to be that clinical," he said. -> "The smell, the look, the whole appearance, everything which -> says, 'This is a hospital, and you have no control. You are here -> to suffer' -- all are changeable." In the building where I am employed, they recently painted one of the suites across the hall from my office. Apparently some doctors just moved in. Each room of that suite was painted a different bright, solid, threatening color. One is brilliant, overwhelming lime green. One is nuclear yellow. One is an evil blood red. And one is deadly fluorescent Barbie pink, the sort that makes you pass out and throw up at the same time when you're completely immersed in it. I have a hunch that whatever doctor or doctors were setting up those offices last week would have decorated them a little differently if they had done it two weeks later so they could read this New York Times article. They would have hung some graphic pictures of wounds, and put up a sign saying "You are here to suffer." in the glowing pink Klaus Barbie room. [Another article, March 8, 2004:] Incidentally, the suite of doctor's offices with the horrible color schemes has a back door (to the glowing green room) where a file folder is taped to the outside of the door. This is written on the manila folder: DON'T ENTER -- EVER -- EQUIPMENT IS NEAR DOOR (That's from memory, I might have the wording off a little.) I was going to peek in through the mail slot on my way home tonight, but I was afraid to since I wasn't wearing enough leather to protect me from whatever demonic forces would be unleashed by the engines of evil within. Also I need to remember to try the doorknob since if they can't figure out that they should lock the door instead of taping a folder to it, they probably wouldn't even notice if I stole their medical sadism machine. (I need one of those.) [March 9, 2004:] Well, tell you what. Tomorrow I'll remember to peek in through the mail slot (or possibly climb in through it, I really am quite skinny as contortionists go) and we'll settle the question of whether real insane doctors have the same keyboards as movie mad scientists with special one-touch keys for things like "LASER", "RESTRAINTS", "ADD ALIEN DNA", and "DESTRUCT". Seriously, if you'd seen those doctors' offices (which I did after they painted them sadistic colors, but before they moved in their evil equipment) you too would be firmly convinced you would never want to spend any time in those offices. So that's why I want to go in and snoop around, just because I don't want to be there therefore something interesting that I don't want to know about must be going on inside. If I come back without my skin, either the mad doctors got to me, or else the fluorescent walls caused instantaneous and total exfoliation. -- K. I bet their pervert machine even has a button for "SEXFOLIATE". [March 11, 2004:] Recently, I was describing some offices in the building where I work. I promised you guys I'd try to peek in through the little armored mail slot in the door tonight, but I didn't rememberÊto do that, so I haven't seen what equipment is stacked against the emergency exit from the luminous cabbage-looper green room. I did do a little research to find out what sort of craaaaaaazy doctor's offices would be painted in weird, scary, threatening, overwhelming colors. It's a psychiatrist's office suite. (There's also a chiropractor there, just so that someone can order you to take off your pants in front of the brain doctor.) So, the psycho color scheme can't have been an accident. Dr. Creepy-Hue must have known full well what effect a radioactive magenta ganzfeld will have on fragile patients reclining on (or strapped to) his couch. The bright magenta room will make people into kill-crazed murder machines who love Barbie. The deep red room will make people want to watch the first guy killing people and kissing Barbie. The two shiny yellow rooms will make people need bananas, for sale in the reception area for a million dollars each. The glowing green Kryptonite room will make people shit, shit, and shit again. Also, my suspicion is that after your appointment, you'll receive a black licorice lollipop that tastes like burnt rubber. I don't know why, but that seems like the most appropriate type of lollipop to be given after staring at a nuclear pink wall for an hour. And it would give you electrical shocks if you didn't finish it. -- K. If I were a psychiatrist, everything in my office would be painted to look like a Rorshach blot, except for the receptionist, who would be Woody Woodpecker. //// RE-RUNS END //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// -- K. Is it too late to change Woody Woodpecker to SpongeBob SquarePants? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pink news... Date: Mon, 16 Oct 2006 00:14:38 -0400 I just wrote: > > [...] > > Pellegrini, R.J., Schauss, A.G., Miller, M.E. (1981). > Room Color and Aggression in a Criminal Detention Holding Cell: > A Test of the "Tranquilizing Pink" Hypothesis. > Journal of Othomolecular Psychiatry, 10, 174-181. > > Sorry, I can't find an online copy of the article, as > J. Ortho. Psych. has only a partial online archive. Basically, > the article says that if you put prisoners in pink cells they're > more likely to start hitting each other. I'd like to add that the following is the only legit-seeming study I could find to claim that pink walls have any sort of positive effect: Percept Mot Skills. 1987 Dec;65(3):941-2. Related Articles, Links Effects of Baker-Miller pink and red on state anxiety, grip strength, and motor precision. Profusek PJ, Rainey DW. John Carroll University, University Heights, OH 44118. 7 male and 39 female undergraduates were alternately assigned to rooms painted red or Baker-Miller Pink. After 5 min., measures were taken of state anxiety, grip strength, and motor precision. Subjects in the pink room had significantly lower state anxiety, but strength and precision scores did not differ, providing minimal support for the hypothesized calming effects of Baker-Miller Pink. This is the study cited by color quackologists who want to sell you expensive Magic Pink paint, but note that even the study only says it yields only "minimal support" for the idea that pink walls calm people down, and also it only tested anxiety and not aggression, and also also it only measured the effects of pink relative to red with no actual control group and a teensy sample size. So I stand by my call of bullshit on anyone who thinks bright pink walls make people be nice. Certainly whenever I'm in an environment like that, I don't think "Ah, I'm so relaxed and feel like being saintly!", I think "LET ME THE HELL OUT OF THIS FUCKING NAUSEATING PEPTO-BARBIE-PHOSPHENE ROOM!" (If you don't know what a phosphene is, ask Mommy to show you one by having her jab her thumb into your eyelid.) The reference to "grip strength" in that study is because a lot of these paint-color studies focus on whether or not looking at some paint will give you super strength, as apparently the people who conduct these studies think that "Green Lantern" comic books are documentaries. If certain colors could give people super strength, wouldn't the Gay Games athletes do at least as well as the ones in the Olympics because of the extra colors on their flag? Unless the magic color is the white background behind the five rings. But if white were the magic color, then how would science explain the red, yellow, and blue dots on the Wonder Bread wrapper? -- K. Officially, they're not dots, they're supposedly balloons. Don't worry, I can't see it either. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pink news... Date: Mon, 16 Oct 2006 03:15:48 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But if white were the magic color, then how would science > > explain the red, yellow, and blue dots on the Wonder > > Bread wrapper? > > > > Officially, they're not dots, they're supposedly balloons. > > Don't worry, I can't see it either. > > What if they're really diseased sperm? You're thinking of Freihofer's. > Or cancerous blood cells? Cancerous cells are bigger and more nutritious than so-called "normal" cells. You should be grateful for every tumor in your diet. Or would you prefer Chef Boyardee products not to contain any meatballs? -- K. And I still say "disease" will be the word that's the most fun to type once our society accepts the inevitability of phonetic spelling. "I HAVE A DIZEEZ!" is much more fun to type than "OH NO, NOT LEPROSY AGAIN!" And consider the product names you'll be buying! Dizeez-B-Gon! Dizeezies! Freihofer's Dizeezo Bread! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.english.usage,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: These data, those data Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 23:51:21 -0400 In alt.english.usage and alt.religion.kibology, jamacrae1@hotmail.com wrote: > > I hope you are having as much fun as I. > > This absurdly devoid of meaningly nonsensical substance is sort of fun. > > Inane conversation can be "appropriately" challenging. Hmm. DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY !!!!! This isn't that challenging. I won, even though it only took me three hours to think that up! > No offence i am enjoying the lack of substance. That's the new marketing slogan for Jell-O. -- K. And you may be having fun being inane, but I have the advantage, for I am Darth Ane. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Once again, I apologize. Date: Mon, 16 Oct 2006 00:31:40 -0400 It's probably my fault. Remember when I started a discussion about the incomprehensibly high resale value of old tapes of "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie" and shortly thereafter that piece of crap was announced for re-release on DVD? I may have done it again. They just announced it today: "Match Game '73" on DVD. Now, I mostly talk about "Match Game '76", 'cause '76 was the lowest point in American pop culture -- and because the first few weeks of the '73 show were pretty lame, before they had the bright idea of making the questions be jokes instead of just incomplete sentences. But I'm sure I'm at least partly to blame for keeping the tragic memory of "Match Game '7x" alive in the scarred remanants of the public consciousness. It's it bad enough that some of us had to live through the Bicentennial, do we really have to see Charles Nelson Reilly wearing those shirts again? "Match Game '73" will be available at a store too soon, too near you. The horror begins November 21, 2006 for a suggested retail price of $35. -- K. I think it would be funny if anyone who bought the four-DVD "Match Game '73" boxed set opened it up and inside the discs were BLANK. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: And you thought Letterman's "Top Ten" lists were lame... Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2006 17:36:50 -0400 From the comic-book-colored pages of USA Today, it's News You Can Use! For very small values of "can". [www.usatoday.com] -> -> Influential people list -> Updated 10/17/2006 -> -> The 101 most influential people who never lived: -> -> IMAGINARY LUMINARIES: Famous, yet fictional -> -> 1. The Marlboro Man But... he died of lung cancer. So either he was real, or there's now a form of cancer that can even kill imaginary people. Oh no! Cookie Monster's in danger from Elmo's secondhand smoke! Geez, is this whole list going to be this crappy? -> 2. Big Brother But if he's not real how come he has a TV show named after him? He's at least as real as The Simpsons! I know they're real because they built that house for them to live in near Las Vegas. -> 3. King Arthur Yeah, lots of other people whose names are printed on old coins are imaginary too, 'cause they died long before reality was invented. I think officially the jury's still deliberating over whether King Arthur was "real" or not. There certainly were some ancient rulers in what is now Britain who had similar names, just no magical adventures involving Monty Python. -> 4. Santa Claus (St. Nick) This reporter's going to get a lump of coal in his stocking. Mushy brown coal that smells like the back half of a horse. -> 5. Hamlet Also, exactly what "influence" did these people have? Hamlet killed some other imaginary people. How does that make him more "influential" than Ming The Merciless, who killed a far greater number of imaginary people? -> 6. Dr. Frankenstein's Monster BZZZZZZT! This is supposedly a list of "people who never lived", not "people made from pieces of people who lived". -> 7. Siegfried Roy cried! -> 8. Sherlock Holmes His influence extends to... um... well, they talk about him a lot on "Star Trek". So he's just as important as Surak or Khan Noonian Singh. The difference is that you could see those guys walking around, but Sherlock Holmes was just someone Mr. Data liked to play dress-up as. Therefore, I have proven Sherlock Holmes was less real than Khan Noonian Singh. -> 9. Romeo and Juliet And let's not forget that imaginary "Shakespeare" guy who was really just a collaboration between Francis Bacon, Roger Bacon, the alien pyramid-builders, and Nikola Tesla. -> 10. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde What, not Dracula? Was he too real for this list -- unlike King Arthur and the Marlboro Man? -> 11. Uncle Tom Well, of course he wasn't real, because nobody ever owned any slaves. Slavery was made up by the greeting-card industry, just like the Holocaust and Valentine's Day! -> 12. Robin Hood Of course Robin Hood's imaginary -- no man would ever be named "Robin". Unless he's living with Batman. Hey, Batman should be way above Robin Hood. Robin Hood's just a legend, but Batman's still doing stuff! And Superman could kick the ass of anyone else on this list. He should be #1, #2, and #3. Batman could be #4, then there should be no #5 through #98. #99 is Robin, #100 is the Riddler. -> 13. Jim Crow See, once again, more evidence that everything connected to slavery is fictional. Gary Kasparov and Henry Ford were right -- all "history" before whatever year I was born was made up! It was all made up by God on the same day that he buried all those fake fossils just because God wanted to trick everyone into believing in evolution! -> 14. Oedipus Your mama. -> 15. Lady Chatterly Once again, I question the "influential"-ness of the names on this reporter's demonstration that he or she can think up a list of public-domain characters. -> 16. Ebenezer Scrooge Scrooge McDuck was more influential, given his involvement in South American politics according to "Como Leer el 'Pato Donald'". -> 17. Don Quixote Okay, I'll grant him some influence, since he did manage to kill that guy who was trying to play him in that movie Terry Gilliam couldn't even get half-finished enough to release it. -> 18. Mickey Mouse He's not influential! He's just a SELL-OUT! Also, not a PERSON! HE'S A FUCKING MOUSE!!! A very deformed one, but still a MOUSE! -> 19. The American Cowboy Wait, wait, wait. How come the Marlboro Man is #1 but he's just an instance of a class which is collectively #19? And also, weren't there really some cowboys? I know because I used to have one of those Apple Performas that came with an educational CD-ROM about how there were plenty of gay cowboys. -> 20. Prince Charming And every Tuesday, he'd run through Boston's North End squeezing toilet tissue. Hey, how come little Anthony and Mr. Whipple aren't on this list? As a bonus, the redheaded stockboy that Mr. Whipple kept taking the toilet tissue away from grew up to be one of the guys on "MythBusters", which makes Mr. Whipple slightly more real by association. Unless you're trying to tell me "MythBusters" is also imaginary, in which case I demand all their experiments be repealed so that I can use a sheet of plywood as a parachute. -> 21. Smokey Bear Again, NOT IMAGINARY. The original Smokey was an actual bear cub who died in a forest fire and was then commemorated by being replaced with a cartoon character who could never, ever suffer such a tragic fate, and who wore pants. -> 22. Robinson Crusoe I say Friday was more influential. He solved all those crimes (hippies did it) and opened a chain of restaurants. -> 23. Apollo and Dionysus Then Zeus saw this list and spent the rest of the day crying into his ambrosia. -> 24. Odysseus Okay, I've run out of things to say about this list of random non-existent people who apparently had great influence despite not even existing. -> 25. Nora Helmer Who? Okay, I just looked her up. Now we're down to characters from Henrik Ibsen plays. 'Cause I guess she was important and the reporter hadn't heard of other characters from important works of legitimate theater such as Willy Loman or Stella or Rum-Tum-Tugger. -> 26. Cinderella I say the Fairy Godmother was more important, because drag queens never dress up as Cinderella. -> 27. Shylock Why not just make an alphabetical list of everyone Shakespeare ever mentioned and then trot out Patrick Stewart and Henry Winkler to explain to us that Shakespeare was the only great writer who ever lived? And speaking of Patrick Stewart and Henry Winkler, where's my Picard? Where's my Fonzie? Where's my Edward G. Robinson saying "Where's your Fonzie now, nyah?" -> 28. Rosie the Riveter If she wasn't real, then how did we win the war? -> 29. Midas If he wasn't real, then why does he run all those TV commercials for his chain of automotive proctology shops? -> 30. Hester Prynne Oh, right, everyone loves Nathanial Hawthorne, because... zzzzz. (LOUD SNORING FOR FIVE HUNDRED HOURS) Seriously, we need to invent time machines just so we can go back and make American Literature classes have something to read that isn't incredibly tedious. I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU, HENRY JAMES, NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE, AND HERMAN MELVILLE. Apparently other than Mark Twain, olden-time Americans saw their mission to be really, really, really serious all the time. Really. Really. Zzzzzzz. -> 31. The Little Engine That Could NOT A PERSON! So if the reporter has expanded this list to be "The 100 Most Influential People And Other Objects Who Never Lived", then it needs to be restructured like so: 1. Rocks 2. Fire 3. Water 4. Quarks 5. Horses 6. Superman -> 32. Archie Bunker This list definitely sucks. Fonzie, Captain Kirk, and Alan Alda aren't above a guy who starred in the formulaic "Hey, Look! The Dumb Racist Is Being Dumb!" show? -> 33. Dracula Again, DRACULA WAS SORT OF REAL. He may not have been able to change into a little cardboard bat that flew around on a string, but we know he was real because they built that theme park on his gravesite. -> 34. Alice in Wonderland And again, SORT OF REAL, given that Lewis Carroll was only writing those stories so that he could have something to read to li'l Alice Liddell while she sat in his lap and bounced up and down for hours and hours. Please move Alice In Wonderland over to "great works of art created by pedophiles" list, along with Billy Jean and that Arthur C. Clarke story about how the Venusians thinks Mickey Mouse was real. Mickey Mouse stays on this list, though, 'cause Disney hated women of any age or gender. -> 35. Citizen Kane Killer Kane from "Buck Rogers" should be above him. Actually, maybe not. It's a good question whether a ray gun is more powerful than a publishing conglomerate. I call dibs on making a movie about Kane vs. Kane. Orson Welles would play both of them, as well as a giant robot named Unicron and a tiny one named Twiki. -> 36. Faust Yeah, he was made-up, unlike the Devil, who works at your local motor-vehicle bureau. -> 37. Figaro So now we're down to characters from operas being "influential"? I guess we already had Siegfried, but he was technically around long before operas were invented. I recall that even Beowulf said Siegfried was an outdated has-been. Hey, where's Beowulf? Come on, USA Today, I could pull better filler out of my ass. -> 38. Godzilla Again, NOT A PERSON. If we're extending the list to fictional prehistoric mosnters, King Kong should be above Godzilla (except when the list is published in Japanese) and at the very top of that list should be that butterfly you could travel back in time and step on in order to make Hitler the President but everything else would be exactly the same. -> 39. Mary Richards Nuh-uh. Robert Petrie was far more influential. And Alan Brady was even more influential. He created the bowling pin sketch! -> 40. Don Juan The one who was on "Star Trek", or the one Carlos Castaneda wrote about? -> 41. Bambi NOT A PERSON, DAMMIT! -> 42. William Tell The Lone Ranger's more important. -> 43. Barbie Raggedy Ann's more important. -> 44. Buffy the Vampire Slayer JESUS H. MACY, this list is idiotic. "Here is a list of some books I have heard of and the only two comic strips and TV shows I've seen in the past day and also Dracula and King Arthur." -> 45. Venus and Cupid Again, Zeus could kick all their asses. Any why not cut to the chase and just put down Jesus and God and the Holy Ghost? -> 46. Prometheus How about Atlas? He held up all the stuff that all these other guys were sitting on their asses on. -> 47. Pandora I envision at this point the reporter spent about five minutes thinking, "Pandora? Endora? Eudora? Pandora? Endora? Eudora?" I say Eudora's more important because she keeps opening this box filled with all the spam in the world. -> 48. G.I. Joe Not as influential as Legos, which count because you can make people out of them -- you can even make life-size Lego people, so they're exactly 12x as influential as G.I. Joe. And what about Lincoln Logs? Without them, Lincoln would never have been born, and we'd be carrying around blank pennies! -> 49. Tarzan I'll grant that he _was_ influential, as he did have a California suburb named after him. On the other hand, there's also a Saugus, California which is named after Saugus, Massachusetts. So I'd say that if you put Tarzan on this list you also have to put Saugus on this list of funny names that aren't people the reporter knew personally. -> 50. Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock Finally! Except they shouldn't have to share a number, and they were a little more important than BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. Cell phones and Tom Kraemer's air conditioner's remote control are designed to look like Kirk's toys, not Buffy's. -> 51. James Bond And where's the entire class of ninjas? If we can have "The American Cowboy" on this list, we better have some ninjas, some pirates, America's firefighters, and the Apple store's Genius Bar too. -> 52. Hansel and Gretel What about Jack from "Jack And The Beanstalk" and "Little Jack Horner" and "Jack Be Nimble" and "Jack And Jill"? He was a jack of all trades! -> 53. Captain Ahab Allow me to summarize this entire list: "Hi, I write for USA Today. Shakespeare and Nathaniel Hawthorne are more important than 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer', which was more important than Herman Melville, especially because Buffy was in a movie before she was on TV. Writing for newspapers is fun! Tee-hee! Oh no, I dropped my Popsicle!" -> 54. Richard Blaine Who? Oh, they mean _Rick_ from "Casablanca". Movie characters more influential than him: Darth Vader Indiana Jones Hannibal Lecter Willy Wonka Tom Cruise -> 55. The Ugly Duckling I already said "Tom Cruise". Also, NOT A PERSON. -> 56. Loch Ness Monster (Nessie) NOT!!! A!!! PERSON!!! DAMMIT!!! -> 57. Atticus Finch The mockingbird will presumably get a separate entry, right between the Phoenix and Tweety Bird. -> 58. Saint Valentine So Cupid is very influential, but Saint Valentine isn't? Exactly what mathematical algorithm was used to sort this list? -> 59. Helen of Troy But she still wasn't as influential as Helen Of Albany or Helen Of New York City. She wasn't even as influential as Helen Of Schenectady, and that's pretty pathetic when you think about it for six hours. -> 60. Batman No way is Buffy more influential than Batman. Buffy's not even as influential as Bane. I mean, Bane's a steroid-abusing Mexican wrestler who snapped Batman in half like a twig and put Batman in a wheelchair and then Batman got better because Batman's got more super powers than Christopher Reeve. Christopher Reeve should be on this list of heroes, too, but I think actors count as real. Except for Mickey Mouse. That's 'cause he doesn't actually _act_ in anything, he just poses for product labels. -> 61. Uncle Sam The poster, or the cereal? I vote for the latter as being more influential, because "I WANT YOU" was just a rip-off of Alexander Graham Bell's catchphrase, but "A NATURAL LAXATIVE" is something you can use. -> 62. Nancy Drew How come we had "The Little Engine That Could" and Nancy Drew but not The Poky Little Puppy or the Moon from "Goodnight, Moon"? And where's Spot? -> 63. J.R. Ewing ... and Doctor Who, and Pee-Wee Herman, and the "Knight Rider" car, and Potsie, and the little girl robot from "Small Wonder", and Lancelot Link, and the Great Gazoo, and Murphy Brown, and Maggie Simpson, and Ben Stiller, and ... -> 64. Superman FINALLY we get Superman. He captured Hitler over and over, you know. Buffy never ever punched Hitler once! -> 65. Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn I always liked Mark Twain's writings about another famous imaginary swindler, that "Mary Baker Eddy" character. I know she's fictitious because no real human could have a "Reading Room" immediately adjacent to a "Library For The Betterment Of Humanity(tm)" with both of those libraries being devoted to A SINGLE BOOK. -> 66. HAL 9000 NOT... A... PERRRRRRrrrrrrrsssyy yourrrr answerrrrrr doooo... -> 67. Kermit the Frog NOT!!! A!!! Oh, fuck it, I give up, I'll just finish the list for this reporter. The rest of the 101 Most Influential People: 68. Silly String 69. Wombats 70. The schwa 71. I like mittens! 72. Buy butter 73. Ha ha this got me out of writing an article on the nuclear war in North Korea 74. Shoes 75. Pinocchio 76. The number "seventy-six" 77. The year 1977 78. New Improved Silly String 79. The Wizard Of Speed & Time 80. Fozzie Bear 81. Yogi Bear 82. The Twilight Zone 83. The Boogeyman / Slim Goodbody 84. Pez 85. X|O|X -+-+- O|X| -+-+- X|O|O Bob owes me a Coke 86. USA Today 87. That guy in "Saw" with the spirals on his face but I didn't see the movie but the trailers showed a picture of him 88. Dumb Dora from "Match Game" 89. Kaiser Soze 90. Mr. Softee 91. Pac-Man 92. Socks The Cat 93. Itchy & Scratchy 94. That one time when Garfield was so funny like I put it up on the office wall and we laughed and laughed every time we saw it because we have lots of fun here at USA Today 95. The "Dude, You're Getting A Dell!" guy 96. Bizarro 97. Bizzaro 98. Bizzarro, one of these must be right 99. I can't find my mittens oh here they are, MITTENS!!! 100. Spirograph 101. Mr. Hankey There, all done. Now let's see if the rest of the reporter's list was as smart as mine was: -> 68. Sam Spade -> -> 69. The Pied Piper -> -> 70. Peter Pan -> -> 71. Hiawatha -> -> 72. Othello -> -> 73. The Little Tramp -> -> 74. King Kong -> -> 75. Norman Bates -> -> 76. Hercules (Herakles) -> -> 77. Dick Tracy -> -> 78. Joe Camel -> -> 79. The Cat in the Hat -> -> 80. Icarus -> -> 81. Mammy -> -> 82. Sindbad -> -> 83. Amos 'n' Andy -> -> 84. Buck Rogers -> -> 85. Luke Skywalker -> -> 86. Perry Mason -> -> 87. Dr. Strangelove -> -> 88. Pygmalion -> -> 89. Madame Butterfly -> -> 90. Hans Beckert -> -> 91. Dorothy Gale -> -> 92. The Wandering Jew -> -> 93. The Great Gatsby -> -> 94. Buck (Jack London, The Call of the Wild) -> -> 95. Willy Loman -> -> 96. Betty Boop -> -> 97. Ivanhoe -> -> 98. Elmer Gantry -> -> 99. Lilith -> -> 100. John Doe -> -> 101. Paul Bunyan Yeah, that Betty Boop sure changed the world when her sensible economic policies brought an end to the Depression. But don't give me any of the credit, because I voted for Daffy Duck that year. The run from #81 to #83 is noteworthy: Blackface, extremely square black stand-up comedian, blackface. It's like an Oreo of lameness. -- K. We should set up a tournament system where we pair these people off and let them fight to determine the victor: -> 86. Perry Mason VERSUS -> 87. Dr. Strangelove IN THE WHEELCHAIR ARENA OF DEATH! -> 88. Pygmalion VERSUS -> 89. Madame Butterfly RAINING BLOWS ON EACH OTHER IN SPAIN! -> 90. Hans Beckert VERSUS -> 91. Dorothy Gale SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING! I would pay to see any of those. Except the one with Madame Butterfly. That's just a dumb idea. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: !!Re: And you thought Letterman's "Top Ten" lists were lame... Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2006 18:34:55 -0400 "Otto Bahn" (ei@eio.com) wrote: > > Sara Larrsen (saralarrsen@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > I'm so cute I'm Bernadette Peters, > > Me Frankenstein. And I'm the toughest Space Viking in this supermarket, and we're going to put on a show! What, you didn't notice we were all wearing tap shoes? Tappa-tappa-tappa, tappa-tappa-tappa, tappa-tappa-tappa... STOP THE SHOW! WAR HAS BROKEN OUT! THERE'S NUCLEAR WAR IN NORTH KOREA, IRAN, AND NEW JERSEY! THE WAR DEPARTMENT HAS ASKED ME TO TELL YOU THAT EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE HAS JUST BEEN DRAFTED! (animation of a red line moving across the ocean from our homes to the war, and then we all get in tiny cars and drive along that red line.) Okay, everyone! Remember to load your rifles before charging into battle! The enemy is just on the other side of that radioactive mushroom cloud which we're going to be taking a shortcut through! CHAAAAAAAARGE! (musical montage of soldiers killing each other, as the theme from "Fame" plays. If we can't buy the rights, acceptable substitutes would be "Xanadu" and "California Strut".) Hey! I had the idea that'll win us this war! JAZZ HANDS! (the same song, whichever it was, plays again, but much louder, and the soldiers are killing each other while doing jazz hands.) Gosh, war was terrible, but now it's over, so let's finish that tap dance! (the soldiers begin tap-dancing on top of the enemy corpses. FADE OUT.) -- K. You know what's creepy? When I opened up my article, Bernadette Peters was already on my TV, because my TiVo ordered me to watch "The Jerk". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sometimes being a smartass just doesn't pay Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2006 23:38:33 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > So Monday, I took the piss test, IN SOVIET AUSTRALIA, TEST TAKES THE PISS OF YOU!!! Sorry, I'm just not trying today. Whaddaya want, egg in your Foster's? > and was told that they would have the results in three hours. > I do not have a case of "haven't done any illegal drugs recently", > but a case of "never done any illegal drugs ever". "We're sorry, Mr. Edwards, but you're overqualified for this job here at the Scientology headquarters." > The new job was supposed to start this morning. The recruiter and/or > his evil henchcritters were supposed to "introduce me" to the new > clients, and I was supposed to start the job this morning. But first they need a chance to catch up on going through everything you've ever posted to Usenet. And the posts by crazy people whose articles mention their name when they follow up to yours, Mark Edwards. Also, I agree with you that Jesus would've been the catcher and Hitler would've been the pitcher, at least once they both went to Heaven. Oh, and you still owe me five dollars for that vial of clean urine I sold you for the drug test. > I know exactly where the job site is. I know there is a good coffee > shop and a big mall within a block of the job site. I decide to go to > the coffee shop, and wait for the phone call, so i can smirk and say, > "Cool, I'll be there in five minutes," since I live forty-five minutes > away. Just to mess with peoples' minds. > > I have a loooooong slow coffee. And a slice of banana bread. With loads of poppy seeds, I hope. That reminds me, I have a bunch of poppy seeds I need to use up. I'll probably make some sort of curry with them. (For dinner tonight, I'm slow-cooking a beef stew using a box of seekh kebab masala for seasoning. I'm so happy that an Indian grocery store opened around the corner, between my apartment and the normal supermarket. So now I can get meat and vegetables and the real market and then spices and ghee at the little market and ta-da, instant curry after a few hours.) > I pull my new laptop out to play. Oops, battery is dead, so I get > to lug the dead weight of a useless laptop around all day. > > Nine am comes and goes. I call the recruiter. No word on my piss test > ("Well, we're pretty sure it's piss - it tasted like piss..."). "Hey, who took my Gatorade?" > Okay, I decide to go over to the mall for awhile. I find a nice little > cozy nook, sit back and read an ebook on my cell phone. Eleven am > comes around, about the time that I realize I need to have SOME charge > left on the phone for when the recruiter calls back. Damn! The book is > really getting good, and I'm near the end of it. > > I call the recruiter again, and still NO WORD on the piss test. I left > the sample at noon yesterday! > > Finally, I head back over to the coffee shop. There are outdoor > tables, shade trees and a cool breeze. I'm still in the car, and > decide to let wifey know what's going on. > > As I call her, recruiter calls. Wifey goes on hold, before she really > answers, while recruiter explains "They found something." > > "Okay, WHAT did they find?" > > "They had to send the sample to The Lab. "His name is Fido." > Are you on prescription medication?" > > "Um, yes." There should have been a place on the form to mention this, > and I should have let them know. Turns out it wouldn't have speeded > things up anyway. > > Sooooo. I tell recruiter that I am going home. That I am already > within a rock's throw (and I am TEMPTED...) of the job site. I mention > that I will wait for recruiter to call me before going out there > again. > > Mention is made of a waiver or some other stopgap measure so that I > can start tomorrow, interspersed with "Are you SURE"'s and "Really, > really?"'s and whatnot. > > Heavy sigh. > > I'm tempted to just sleep in late tomorrow, but sure as I do, they'll > want me there at the crack of dawn... I say you should glue a bunch of poppy seeds all over your face (well, the lower half of it) and walk in with a half-eaten bagel in each hand while saying, "Man, I sure love these POPPY SEED BAGELS," just to cover your ass. So did you drive to Canada to save money on your prescription marijuana? Next time you go, can you pick up some spruce beer for me? I need it for my, um, well, actually I'm just thirsty. -- K. "I'm sorry, you've tested positive for spruce beer. We're going to have to kick you out of Major League Baseball and into the QMJHL." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's the 21st century: where's my flying car? Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2006 00:51:05 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Plus, if we had flying cars already, the World Trade Center would've gone > down MUCH sooner. "The Apple iHoverCar: It's why 2001 won't be like '2001'." Then this woman in short shorts throws a sledgehammer out the window of her flying car to knock down the one of the two Monoliths she's not crashing into. You know, every time I watch "2001", I really want to be able to zoom in on a clearer image of whatever TV show is on the screen on the back of the airplane seat, 'cause it's got a futuristic car and I don't think it's the same one from "A Clockwork Orange". So did Kubrick build a whole future car just for the background of that shot, or did he rent it from somewhere? And who would win in a race between the 2001 car from "2001" and Ed Bishop's 1980 car from "U.F.O."? > Also any skyscrapers near it, or anywhere at all. Cuz those things > labelled "air brakes"? Don't stop you in mid-air like they did > for Bugs Bunny... Dude, be serious. Any flying cars would have repulsor beams. They're an obvious by-product of deflector shields and tractor beams. Photon torpedoes are an obvious fantasy. In reality they'd use anti-photons, because science has yet to find a defense against anti-photons. > Dave "road rage in 3D, plus wrist cellphones, plus alcohol = CAR-NAGE" > DeLaney No, in the future, alcohol has been replaced by synthahol, which has none of the brain-altering effects of alcohol but still has that delightful taste the idiots on the Enterprise think they like. Nobody in Starfleet is even man enough to drink Thums Up, let alone any alcoholic beverages other than Romulan Ale, which comes in a tiny packet with a picture of a smiling red pitcher with pointy ears. He's yelling "GREAT BLUEDINI!" in Romulan. Now if you'll excuse me, I just had a Thums Up, so I have to go put on some black leather and mirrorshades and get in a rumble, Bollywood-style. EVERYBODY DANCE! -- K. [http://www.coca-colaindia.com/Thums-up/] -> -> Thums Up is known for its strong, -> fizzy taste and its confident, mature -> and uniquely masculine attitude. -> This brand clearly seeks to separate -> the men from the boys. In other words, it's exactly the same as Coke except not for girly men. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: Re: Joy Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2006 05:16:24 -0400 "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > At least there should be new books for the reading waiting for me at > the local library (they have a kick-ass 'borrow from other libraries' > system). Of course, with my luck, police will consficate the library. Okay, everybody, we've only got until sunrise to think of a way to trick Don Saklad into going to Lots42's library right before the police seal it up in an evidence Baggie and haul it away. Lots, your mission is to lead Don deep into the bowels of the library. We'll send you a secret Dewey Decimal Signal to give a chance to get out when the police are still five seconds away, once you get Don engrossed in some book that will take him more than five seconds to enjoy. As always, should you be caught or trapped within the library, the Head Librarian will disavow all knowledge of your actions. This message will be erased from the card catalog in five seconds. > Inside of an evidence room, it is too full of cocaine fumes to read > effectively. People do coke in your library? I thought people who went to public libraries only did the cheap drugs, like crack, meth, and all those people who are huffing farts (but not intentionally.) -- K. Hmm, does this mean you're living in the cartoon "Psychedelic Pink"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: No more tag in Attleboro Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2006 14:19:47 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > [news.yahoo.com] > -> > -> ATTLEBORO, Mass. - Tag, you're out! > > That's "You're IT" ! > > How in the world will kids learn proper XML if they don't learn the > correct content? The question is whether the opposite of "you're out!" can be abbreviated to "urine!", 'cause I could see that leading to all kinds of problems for the janitorial staff, especially if they just put down new carpet in the library. > -> Officials at an elementary school south of Boston have > -> banned kids from playing tag, touch football and any > -> other unsupervised chase game during recess for fear > -> they'll get hurt and hold the school liable. > > Or that they'll get hurt and find they LIKE it. I don't think they're allowed to have that philosophy in Attleboro. Not even if they spank each other with wooden spoons. Hmm, the New England Leather Alliance or whoever was running the site seems to have not bothered to renew the registration for www.paddleboro.com, though the NELA site still links to it for people who want to learn why wooden spoons are illegal in Attleboro. > Besides, isn't fear what school is all about? That's just Phys Ed and Hygiene. "This boy tried a 'reefer', and then he immediately pulled both his eyeballs out with pliers! You'll see more closeup photos next Hygiene class, but first... dodgeball!" > And the proper way to play tag, is to stand in the middle of the > playground, point at one of the other plays, tell them in a FIRM > voice, "Come HERE. Yes, YOU. NOW!" Then, when they get close, slap > them on the head and say, "AYYYYYYY! You're IT, nerdboy!", then > saunter off. My attitude was always something like this: THEM: "You're it!" ME: "So?" (continues reading his book) Works like a charm because it ruins the game completely. > -> Recess is "a time when accidents can happen," said > -> Willett Elementary School Principal Gaylene Heppe, who > -> approved the ban. > > "This was NO accident," said inspector Clouseau, as he got tangled in > the thetherball rope, tripped over a swing, banged his head on the > monkey bars and shot the playground bully in the foot. I don't know, I think "Gaylene Heppe" is too silly a made-up name even for a Clouseau film. ("What sort of pink triangle has three unequal sides? A gaylene triangle!") And now, it's time once again for the incredibly bad Steve Martin "Pink Panther" remake: THEM: "Say 'hamburger'!" HIM: "DUHHHHHHHWUHHAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUMMMMMMRRRRRRWWWWMMMMMMMMBBBBBBOOOOOOIIIIIIAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHJJJJJJJJJJJAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYYYYYRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTXXXXXXXXXXXXXQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ!" ME: "ZZ." > Statistics show that seven of eight teen pregnancies happen on the > playground, while unsupervised. The eighth pregnancy happens in the > Teachers Lounge, and is fully supervised, by definition. If you'd been paying attention in Hygiene, you would know that supervision will not keep you from getting pregnant! Also, they keep telling you that you can get pregnant THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE SEX! But I think the risk goes way down after that because they never tell you about the second time having any special dangers. > -> While there is no districtwide ban on contact sports > -> during recess, local rules have been cropping up. > -> Several school administrators around Attleboro, a > -> city of about 45,000 residents, took aim at dodgeball > -> a few years ago, saying it was exclusionary and dangerous. > > If they aren't playing it with a regular baseball, they are playing it > wrong. Dodgeball serves the purpose of making kids happy to get out of > recess, and back into class. Kids don't play dodgeball at recess, you bozo! They only play it in Phys Ed because all gym teachers are sadists who couldn't get jobs at the motor-vehicle department. Recess is time for "let's chase the special-needs kids around with dog doo on a stick" and "hey, look at how great I am, I'm punching random people in the back". 'Cause although kids are smart enough to know that dodgeball sucks, they're all still evil. And if you don't let them throw dodgeballs at each other in gym class or whomp on each other at recess, what are they going to expend their energies on? Either S-E-X or playing tuba in the marching band. And nobody wants to hear that much tuba music. > -> Elementary schools in Cheyenne, Wyo., and Spokane, Wash., > -> also recently banned tag during recess. A suburban > -> Charleston, S.C., school outlawed all unsupervised > -> contact sports. > > But contact non-sports, such as shaking down little kids for their > lunch money, beating up little kids just on principle and shooting > just about anybody is still fine. Now that the shooting in that Amish school has stopped leading the TV news night after night, we can go back to not having occasion to wonder what weird sort of dodgeball the Amish play. And whether the school cafeteria serves anything other than scrapple. Remember, you can't spell "scrapple" without "crap", and you also can't spell "scrapple" without "apple", but this does not mean that "apple" equals "crap" because potty words do not always follow the rules of logic. > [...] > > -> Another Willett parent, Celeste D'Elia, said her son > -> feels safer because of the rule. "I've witnessed enough > -> near collisions," she said. > > And the fact that these near collisions will be witnessed makes her > and her son feel better? Witnessed, and notarized. This is good preparation for the real world. "Hey! While I was walking along the sidewalk, you NEARLY COLLIDED with me because you were walking along the opposite sidewalk! LAWSUIT TIME!" > When I was in Elementary School, Coach Woody (yes, that was his real > name) would have ENCOURAGED near collisions and REAL collisions in the > interest of building character. Coach Woody was not a 98-pound > weakling's best friend. Yeah, well, at least _you_ didn't get put in Special Gym to build Special Character. -- K. Do I have to list Special Gym on my resume? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: No more tag in Attleboro Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2006 17:59:43 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Kids don't play dodgeball at recess, you bozo! They only play it in > > Phys Ed because all gym teachers are sadists > > Our gym teachers called the sadistic version "bombardment." "Dodgeball" > on the playground was the version in a circle where it took both > willingness and skill to become a target in the first place. The only > torture involved in that one was boredom if you could never manage to > grab the ball to throw it. Wow, that's completely different from my experience with "dodgeball", which was what the Simpsons referred to as "bombardment" and the movie "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story" referred to as "dodgeball". In other words, I played regulation American Dodgeball Association Of America brand dodgeball, not your silly circleball. I don't know what the kids at my school would have called the pleasant, relaxing version with the circle. Mostly at recess we just ran around in circles while screaming, until middle school when we all got Rubik's Cubes, and high school when we went back to running around in circles screaming because we were upset that Rubik's Cubes were no longer cool. > [...] > > Wait, does this mean witnessing BORING RECESS is the reason nobody around > here seems to be able to predict collisions on the sidewalk anymore? On > my way to lunch today, balancing on the very edge of the pavement, I had > to dodge not one but two groups of people walking straight into me with > food in their hands. As you know from your observations of people with cell phones, wheelie suitcases, tiny dogs on extremely long leashes, or martini glasses, whenever another person has something in their hand their intelligence goes down fifty points. Note that this only affects _other_ people, not me or you. (Because we know this phenomenon doesn't affect me and you, that proves it _must_ affect other people.) I'm surprised no scientists have done controlled studies where they measure how well people can walk from point A to point B while holding a hot dog. In fact, I don't even think such studies fit into any of the recognized scientific disciplines, therefore, I hereby invent "bumble-ology" as the science of studying people who can't walk careful because they're thinking about the food they're carrying. It's also worth noting that _groups_ of people move at the speed of the slowest person in the group, and that the group as a whole has an IQ equal to that of the dumbest person in the group divided by the number of people in the group. Thus, a group of four people (none of whom is me) will have an IQ around 20, which means there are more IQ points left for me to grab. (You need a butterfly net with a really fine mesh. Well, actually, you don't need anything because I already grabbed all the loose IQ that was floating around. Then I walked down the street yelling "LA LA LA LA I AM HOLDING IQ POINTS IN BOTH HANDS AND LOOK AT HOW I AM STILL WALKING CAREFULLY!") Anyway, we should bring back recess games involving physical collisions in order to smarten up these people who don't know how to get out of my way. Either that or I need to get a bazooka. -- K. "LA LA LA I AM FIRING A BAZOOKA LA LA LA!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hey kids! It's a new way to make school more demeaning! Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2006 19:24:10 -0400 [www.washingtonpost.com] -> -> School Colors -> -> Md. Students Say Coded ID Tags Reinforce Divisive Labels Instead Of -> Creating Community Identities -> -> By Daniel de Vise -> Washington Post Staff Writer -> Wednesday, October 18, 2006; Page B01 -> -> The last thing any high school student wants is to be singled out. -> -> So students at Montgomery County's largest high school are in an -> uproar over a new policy that requires them to wear color-coded IDs -- -> black for seniors, white for magnet kids and a particularly loud -> shade of yellow for students of limited English proficiency. ...of course, the yellow students are never allowed to become seniors because then they'd get confused about whether they should wear yellow or black. -> Ninth-graders at Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring took -> particular umbrage at being forced to advertise their status with -> bright red badges and optional matching lanyards. Last week, after -> all, was Spirit Week, otherwise known as Freshman Hell Week. It's interesting that freshmen and seniors get their own colors but juniors and sophomores don't. They're not special enough to either get special privileges or to get beat up by the kids who get the special privileges. The Washington Post has a full-color chart: http://media3.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/graphic/2006/10/18/GR2006101800124.gif mirrored at: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_10_color_coded_school_ids.gif Apparently juniors and sophomores have to suffer being dumped into the yellow "other" category with the non-English-speaking kids. Wait, according to that chart, the kids who don't speak English natively get red (like the freshmen), not yellow (like the "other" kids.) Anyway, the chart claims that the red ID badges are for freshmen and students who don't speak English so good, so I'll wager that it greatly increases your chance of getting beat up for no reason if you have a red badge, but on the bright side it probably cuts down on the beatings if you have any of the other ten colors. This is all so confusing. They should just stick to blue for Science, red for Engineering, and gold for Command, except for the class president who gets that goofy green wrap-around shirt with the built-in girdle. Also, on any field trip, they come back without one of the red kids. -> The campus has been thrown into a state of rhetorical turmoil over -> the IDs, issued two weeks ago in 11 colors to denote various -> smaller learning "academies" within the 3,000-student campus. -> -> The new policy "tags us like dogs," wrote Breton Sheridan, a -> junior, in one of hundreds of postings to various school Web sites. -> -> Or, as sophomore Aisha Michael put it, "We look like Skittles now." Except that the red Skittles are the best ones, not the ones that get beat up by the other Skittles. -> By color-coding children, school officials hoped to build a sense -> of identity -- and security -- in a school whose students have been -> divided into several smaller learning communities: maroon for -> future scientists, purple for diplomats in training, dark blue for -> entrepreneurs and so forth. -> -> "What we did, we thought we were doing a good thing," Principal -> Phillip Gainous said. And then he went home and watched his favorite Dr. Seuss video, "The Sneeches", except he always covers up half his TV screen because he only likes one side of the cartoon. -> But the new color system brought unintended consequences. -> -> Students say the system amplifies differences that already divide -> teenagers of different academic and socioeconomic stripes. I think the students actually say something more like "DUH, you moronic aydults who proposed this totally friggin' artarded scheme, this is the suckiest idea you could have possibly proposed other than simply requiring that all students wear gang colors at all times." -> As the staff of the Silver Chips student newspaper opined in an -> editorial, "Self-segregation is already an issue in the student -> body, and the formal distribution of color-coded IDs has -> essentially institutionalized the phenomenon." Wait, silver's not one of the eleven colors! The communications students get brown, so the newspaper should now be the Brown Chips. You know, the type cows play bingo with. -> At least three freshmen reported various forms of hazing: One was -> jumped at a bus stop; another was encircled by a menacing mob of -> upperclassmen; the third victim would not relate his sufferings in -> detail, Gainous said. -> -> But the principal said freshmen actually suffered fewer hazing -> incidents this year than last. He doubts the color-coded badges -> were responsible. -> -> "Every student in here knows who the ninth-graders are," he said. -> "They don't need an ID to tell them." Than what _do_ these kids need color-coded "KICK ME" signs for? -> Students are required to carry IDs in a wide range of Washington -> area high schools. But Montgomery Blair is one of just a few that -> require students to wear them. An informal survey of local school -> systems uncovered just one other school, Gov. Thomas Johnson High -> School in Frederick, with such a rule. -> -> Montgomery Blair students have been told to wear their IDs for -> several years, Gainous said. The concept of color-coding arose as a -> way to link students within the school's five academic academies. The other six colors are just so the school can ensure that the students will eat all eleven colors of food produced by the cafeteria, if they require students with puce badges to eat only the puce pizza. -> The palette had to be broadened to accommodate this year's seniors, -> who do not participate in the newly formed academies; freshmen, who -> have yet to choose academies; students in two magnet programs and -> in the English-learners program; and staff. -> -> Students were involved in those decisions, Gainous said. "We asked some of the seniors what next year's freshmen should wear..." -> Students in two advanced magnet programs at Montgomery Blair, who -> are screened for academic ability, say their brown and white badges -> only alienate them further from a school population already -> sensitive to such distinctions. Students in the English for -> Speakers of Other Languages program said they, too, felt singled -> out; Gainous allowed them to adopt the freshman red. "Don't hit me -- I'm not a Latino, I just failed 9th grade three times in a row!" -> "A lot of these kids, they just want to keep a low profile and -> blend in," said Jeanne Philbin, whose daughter, an academically -> advanced sophomore, has taken to hanging her colored badge from a -> length of string rather than a color-coded lanyard. I'd probably just paint my badge a color that's not on the list, like silver, and also, I'd wear it upside down except when they made us do headstands in gym class. -> Gainous said he believes that much of the student wrath is directed -> not at the colored badges so much as the penalties for not wearing -> them. Under the new rules, a student who leaves a badge at home -> faces a series of consequences ranging from a verbal warning to an -> in-school suspension. A student who intentionally defies the rule -> is considered insubordinate and faces much stricter penalties: -> detention for the first infraction, suspension for the second. I've never understood why the most serious punishment in schools is to be given several days off from school. "You skipped class all week, so we're suspending you next week!" If they really want to make kids follow the rules at this evil school, the punishments should be that the kids have to spend all night in the gym playing dodgeball, or if they're jocks, they have to spend the night reading Henry James for some class to which it's not even relevant. -> More than 600 students answered a pair of online polls by the -> student newspaper assessing the new policy. The largest group of -> respondents in one poll, nearly two-thirds, declared it a "hideous -> embarrassment." The opposing view, "awesome," garnered 6 percent. ...with a margin of sarcasm of six points. AWESOME SARCASM, DUDES! -- K. In the interest of full disclosure, I need to point out that when I read alt.religion.kibology, I have my computer color-code everything you people say. But in my system brown and blue are good, and you better believe pink is bad, because it's for people who aren't even freshmen yet: WebTV users. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey kids! It's a new way to make school more demeaning! Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2006 19:51:03 -0400 I found more news about the school with the color-coded nametags that ensure that the immigrant students get picked on. This is from the actual school newspaper (and better-written than many "real" papers): [silverchips.mbhs.edu] -> -> Newly revised ID policy discussed at PTSA meeting -> -> Gainous answers parent questions -> -> Lois Bangiolo, Online Managing Editor -> 10/18/2006 -> -> Principal Phillip Gainous discussed the new ID policy at the PTSA -> meeting held yesterday at 7:30 p.m. in the media center. A newly -> revised copy of the policy, updated yesterday afternoon, was -> distributed at the meeting. -> -> The revised policy allows students up to four temporary IDs before -> disciplinary action is taken, although students do receive a verbal -> warning upon receiving their third temporary ID. When they receive -> their fourth, a robodial call is placed to their home. Oh no! No human can tolerate being chewed out by a robot! I don't know about you, but when I get a phone call that begins "(pause) (click) This is a recorded message from..." I usually hang up somewhere around "ick)". Robots have perfect logic, which doesn't matter at all because their weakness is that nobody needs to listen to them. -> The fifth time students forget their ID, and for any additional times -> an ID is forgotten that quarter, students will not receive an ID in -> class but will instead be sent to their administrators, with parental -> involvement required. Detention and suspension are given as -> punishments for the sixth and seventh time, respectively, an ID is -> forgotten. Shouldn't they just do as some frats do with pledge pins, and have the size of the ID badge triple every time they're not wearing it, so that after the fourth time they have to wear a bedsheet with their picture drawn on it? -> Students will still be able to purchase IDs before 7:25 a.m. each -> morning. If students do not have the money with them, or are -> otherwise unable to purchase an ID, they will be issued temporary -> IDs as per the guidelines explained above. What if they lose the ID after 7:25 a.m.? What if the gym teacher catches them not wearing their ID when he's watching them shower? What if he's watching them showering in their house? -> Saturday detention remains the policy for the first instance of -> insubordination, or the refusal to wear an ID. No warning will be -> given. The second case of insubordination will result in a minimum -> of one day suspension. -> -> Before distributing the revised ID policy, Gainous explained the -> rationale behind the ID policy. When Blair was moved to its new -> location, parents were concerned about the safety of the area, he -> said. The closed lunch policy and IDs were two conditions parents -> asked to be adopted. -> -> He also explained the color-coded lanyards, which he said were put -> in place to foster a sense of community within the academies. "All -> the research about small learning community at large schools shows -> that if we break [the school] down, achievement goes up," Gainous -> said. "We're doing this because perhaps science proved that putting stickers on kids makes them smarter! At least science might have done that if science were crazy! Now let's try putting twice as many stickers on the kids because that might be the cure for cancer!" -> He dismissed the notion that color-coded IDs segregated students, -> as he has noticed the school coming together, not splitting apart. Well, yeah, the students seem to be united in the whole spirit of "WE HATE THIS IDEA". -> "This was probably the most spirited spirit week we've had," he -> said. "There's no division." -> -> Asked about how IDs could be effective if the absence of an ID did -> not prevent entry, Gainous explained that a system to check IDs at -> the door was in the original policy decided on over the summer, but -> was simply not feasible for a school of this size. "I rejected it -> because I didn't think we have the capacity with 3,000 students to -> get them into the building in a timely fashion," Gainous said. "I -> could not tolerate having students standing out in the rain waiting -> to get into the building." Now that's logic, claiming that the IDs aren't important because the school's so large. I suppose this means that if I ever want to break into a little school, all I need to do is get Principal Gainous transferred there, and then I'll show up with 2,999 of my friends and he'll wave us in because checking that many people for brightly-colored badges would be the staff's job, and therefore too much work. -> Agreeing that this ID policy would not necessarily stop intruders -> from entering, Assistant Principal Linda Wanner explained how the -> wearing of IDs has still every year increased security at Blair. -> "Will wearing the ID cause the shooter to not come into the SAC and -> cause mayhem? Obviously it wouldn't," she said. "But every year -> someone runs from me when I ask them for their ID...when we bring -> them down to security we find they were waiting [around] to beat -> someone up." However, anyone who Xeroxes a badge onto the right color of paper can now walk into the school and steal as much stuff as they want. -> Security guard Cedric Boatman added to her argument, noting that -> parents embroiled in custody battles have entered school to find -> their child. "We've [had] parents who've come in to try to deal with -> their kids when they have a court order not to," he said. "Mr. and Mrs. Smith, the court hereby sentences you to leave your kids at the school forever! That's what you get for not taking good care of them, you didn't even make them wear color-coded nametags at home!" -> Despite the explanations, not all parents agree that the wearing of -> IDs will make Blair more secure. "It's not really a security issue, -> just an administration game," said one parent. It's no game. It's a movie starring Michael York and Farrah Fawcett and Peter Ustinov as the guy who is obsessed with the Broadway musical "Cats" because he's so old. -- K. It's Carousel! Quick, everyone, put on your figure-skating flametards and obsolete goalie masks! RENEW! RENEW! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey kids! It's a new way to make school more demeaning! Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2006 20:16:55 -0400 The students speak out further on their high school's dopey new color-coded name tags designed to segregate them by rank and nerdiness: [silverchips.mbhs.edu] -> -> New IDs rife with mistakes -> -> Policy change results in delays and printing problems -> -> Natasha Prados, Online Managing Editor -> 10/11/2006 -> -> The new IDs, which were distributed Oct. 3, were delayed as a -> result of printing errors, according to Assistant Principal Andrew -> Coleman. Several of the mistakes, according to Coleman, are still -> present in the IDs that have been distributed. The best part is that the students went the first three weeks of school without any IDs, and nothing terrible happened then. Now, of course, it's complaint city. -> [...] -> -> Despite the postponed distribution of IDs, however, students have -> found that their IDs still have printing errors, including but not -> limited to: the student's name, photograph, academy color, year, -> barcode and emergency code. -> -> Freshmen Karen Vasquez's ID was missing both her year and her -> emergency code, so she did not know where to go during the fire -> drill. That's why the freshman IDs are red -- red represents the school's "Hey, Freshmen, Die In A Fire" policy. -> Senior Zoe Bell was issued a white Magnet ID instead of a black -> senior ID. Bell said she does not want to bog down the system with -> her minor problem, especially because she is aware of how -> widespread ID mistakes are. "I know like 50 people with the wrong -> color ID," she said. Big deal. I know thousands of people on the Internet who are wearing the wrong color ID. Very few of them are actually wearing the magenta "I'M STUPID" IDs that I told them to wear. -> Bell feels somewhat apathetic about the error, and therefore has -> not tried to get her ID corrected. "It's a waste of time trying to -> get it fixed... They're so disorganized," she said of the -> administration. Hey, cool, she's already learned the most valuable lesson in life from going to this stupid school. With her smarts, she'll go far. She's certainly not going to wind up in some loser job, like being a principal in charge of picking which Crayola colors are assigned to which kids. -> While several students are indifferent about the problems with -> their IDs, some are actually pleased. Sophomore Kadeem Haynes was -> given an ID with the name "Larry," instead of his own, for no -> apparent reason (he is not related to anyone named Larry, nor is -> there a Larry Haynes in the school, according to BEN). -> -> Haynes was rather gratified because he knew that if he got into -> trouble, security would have the wrong name. He reports that he was -> disappointed, however, when he was sought out and given a corrected -> replacement ID. He's lucky the school didn't just tell the government to legally change his name. (And the students whose names were missing from their IDs? Nobody is permitted to mention that those students used to exist.) -> Senior Ben Aikman, who also had a color mix-up, said he thought it -> was rare for security to seek out students and give them corrected -> IDs. In general, he says, most students choose not to bring issues -> with their IDs to the attention of the administration, and the -> errors remain. Seriously, if I went to this school, I'd make my own ID out of some non-regulation color (like bronze, or Malaysian firefighter camo) and see whether anyone ever recognized that. I could do something like write "BRONZE IS FOR THE ONLY STUDENT ALLOWED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM THIS PERIOD" on it, and see if I could make my new rule stick. And none of the students who had to wet their pants would beat me up because it would also say "THE RED ONES ARE THE ONES YOU WANT TO BEAT UP." [some of the comments posted on the on-line version of the article:] -> -> Eli Barnett :: 10/12/2006, 8:45 PM -> the first ID i got had the wrong name and said STAFF on it... -> i should have kept it, no one would have noticed anyways -> -> Funny IDs :: 10/11/2006, 9:34 PM -> My favorite IDs were the ones with no picture on them. -> -> Oreo :: 10/11/2006, 6:55 PM -> Everyone I know thinks it's a riot that I have a black guy's -> picture on my ID (I'm a white girl). I have yet to get it changed, -> though I have asked about it a few times. I say she wins the thread for posting as "Oreo". Unless someone thinks up something funny to say as "Hydrox", because "Hydrox" is a funnier product placement. They're cookies made from water! -- K. This is all almost as stupid as the Hanky Code. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: In the presence of GENIUS. Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2006 03:02:46 -0400 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Also, Habanero Doritos are kind of spicy, like a plate of jalapeno nachos. > This may be the first ever violation of the McDonald's Rule, which states > that all national brands must advertise how spicy their latest product is, > but there may never be the slightest truth to the claim. This almost makes > up for the profound disillusionment brought on by my ongoing failure to > find mustard that tastes like mustard. I think if you want sharp mustard, you have to grind the mustard seeds yourself, because apparently it starts decomposing once you grind it and refrigerate it. Try your local Indian grocery store -- they'll have bags of mustard seeds far cheaper than the little McCormick's jars in the regular supermarket, and they may even have the dark-colored ones if you want to experiment with making chiaroscuro pictures out of mashed mustard. Also the Indian grocery store might have some national brands of convenience food which are actually spicy, if you don't mind that they're national to India. If you're really lucky, you can find a Japanese store that has the habanero-flavored Tohato potato rings. It's way cool that there's a little Indian grocery store around the corner from my building. I'm making my own curries much more often than I used to, now that I can get random seasonings at the drop of a hat. That store doesn't have all the super-spicy fried snack foods that some of the other local Indian grocery stores do, but at least it has spices and a few of the more prominent lines of frozen food. Also they sell those little glass tubes with the paper roses inside for people who need something to smoke crack in while throwing away the useless rose. Unless they're so high that they accidentally smoke the rose, and I'm not sure whether that would be better or worse for you than the crack. I bet the quality of the crack in my neighborhood's really lousy. It's probably made from a mixture of baby aspirin and mothballs. Does Consumer Reports publish a chart of which neighborhoods have the crappiest crack? If I did crack, I'd want to go to a classier part of town to buy it, like Chinatown. -- K. The ground beef at my local supermarket sucks, too. Stop & Shop likes their ground beef to be wet and squishy with lots of gristle strings. So whenever I want to make tacos I have to go all the way to the Prudential Shaw's, where the ground beef tastes like hamburger instead of tasting like mucoslurm. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Guy claims to be better than David Blaine, so even fewer people care Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2006 04:09:14 -0400 [www.iol.co.za] -> -> Skinny man claims new world record -> -> St Petersburg, Russia -- A Russian man on Monday claimed to have set -> a new world record -- for fasting. -> -> A bearded and hollow-cheeked Agasi Vartanyan finished what he said -> was his 50th day without food, climbing out of plastic cube on the -> banks of the Neva River outside of St Petersburg -- and promptly -> berating reporters. -> -> "I feel offended because my efforts did not attract much attention," -> the 46-year-old said. "Only local media wrote about it." -> -> He then hopped into a waiting car and drove away by himself. Okay. I have a question for the members of the peanut gallery. Suppose you have just gone without food for longer than any other human being ever has. When you're done, do you immediately: a) Be wheeled into the intensive care ward; b) Crawl to the closest White Castle; or c) Yell at the reporters and then start driving around because you're so upset that nobody took you seriously you big fat fraud who doesn't seem to be at death's door. As I did when Blaine did his stunt, I'd like to point out that people have fasted for this long during hunger strikes, but with the definition of "hunger strike" stretched to allow them some liquid nourishment or plain rice, and none of them could have done something like angrily slamming a car door after fifty days of their body digesting its muscles and organs. If you eat _nothing_ for fifty days, and your brain will be the size of a walnut, and it'll get even smaller after the stunt. And your bones will start poking through your skin like your body's Vacuformed itself. And even if you did destroy your body that badly, it still wouldn't be an important news item (IDIOT STARVES SELF TO PROVE A POINT, THOUGH NOBODY KNOWS OR CARES WHAT IT IS.) -> Doctors who examined Vartanyan said he lost 23kg during the ordeal, -> dropping to 72kg. And that's still heavier than me, even though I eat food more than once every fifty days. I'm really not buying this. -> A spokesperson, Lybov Kobzar, told reporters that Vartanyan drank -> about three litres of water a day. To pass the time, he watched TV, -> listened to the radio, and talked on his cellphone. As the weather -> in the northern Russian city turned colder, he got an electric -> heater. -> -> Beginning his attempt on August 27, Vartanyan said he was inspired -> by a similar effort by stuntman and illusionist David Blaine, who -> fasted for 44 days in 2003 while suspended acrylic box over the -> Thames River in London. I didn't buy that either, but at least it was staged more plausibly so that I can grant that it was _possible_ Blaine wasn't just, um, doing A MAGIC TRICK just like all the other ones where he does things that people can't do without the help of stagehands and custom-made props and a special-effects team. Note that after Blaine's endurance stunts, he's in pretty bad shape and gets rushed to the hospital so we can see the exciting footage of doctors chewing him out. He doesn't just start doing backflips and ranting as he vaults into his car screaming "COLOR ME GONE!" like Houdini did in that Rudy Rucker story. I want to see this guy do that one that imaginary Houdini did where he was encased in a block of solid plaster that was sliced in half with a buzz-saw. I know Penn & Teller could do that. In fact, I bet they could do a bit where Jane Curtin slices Penn in half and then Teller climbs out of his stomach like those Russian nesting dolls except with enough blood to make it interesting. -> Vartanyan said he planned on submitting documentation of his -> efforts to the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Sapa-AP Um, they don't take records from people who write in with "look what I did this weekend!" They require you to write to them _before_ you do the stunt so they can actually have an editor on-scene to verify that you're not just making stuff up after you're done driving yourself home. I note that different newspapers' versions of this story say "glass box" or "plastic box", so I'm not sure any of them can be considered reliable. Also, none of them detail how the toilet functions were handled -- the inclusion of a supply of diapers (rather than a toilet) in Blaine's box was something I was highly suspicious of. I still think there's a shred of possibility that Blaine wasn't just faking it -- some of the human endurance stunts he does seem to be real -- but dammit, the guy's a _magician_ who does _tricks_ for a living. That makes him almost as untrustworthy as if he were Russian. Can't trust those Commie magicians. They'll say they're going to entertain you by pulling a tractor out of a Cossack hat when really they're just trying to distract you so they can hide a nuclear bomb inside that lemon you're about to slice in half. -- K. I heard Andy Kaufman has now gone without food for seven thousand days while he's doing his "buried alive" stunt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: rec.model.rockets,alt.religion.kibology Subject: The rocket that goes off not with a bang, but with a whoopee Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2006 21:25:54 -0400 I just stumbled across this U.S. patent, #6,055,910, filed in 1998 and granted in 2000. So yeah, it's old, and was mentioned on rec.model.rockets once last year, but _I_ hadn't seen it before so that makes this news. [patft.uspto.gov] -> -> Toy gas fired missile and launcher assembly -> -> Abstract -> -> A toy gas-fired missile and launcher assembly whose missile is -> composed of a soft head and a tail extending therefrom formed by a -> piston. The piston is telescoped into the barrel of a launcher -> having a closed end on which is mounted an electrically-activated -> ignitor, the air space between the end of the piston and the closed -> end of the barrel defining a combustion chamber. Joined to the -> barrel and communicating with the chamber therein is a gas intake -> tube having a normally-closed inlet valve. To operate the assembly, -> the operator places the inlet tube with its valve open adjacent his -> anal region from which a colonic gas is discharged. The piston is -> then withdrawn to a degree producing a negative pressure to inhale -> the gas into the combustion chamber to intermix with the air -> therein to create a combustible mixture. The ignitor is then -> activated to explode the mixture in the chamber and fire the -> missile into space. Six years since the patent was granted, and it's still not on the market. It's a bad idea, but that's no excuse -- Why isn't the Farty Emission Rocket available in toy stores and supermarkets nationwide? It seems like it would be the perfect thing for relieving stress at the office, provided you didn't put anyone's eye out with your farts. ("Ow! You poked my eye out and now my eye socket smells bad!") I can't believe you they don't already sell these at Toys R Us, especially because you can get any _other_ sort of toy molded in the shape of SpongeBob. ("Step 1: Press Spongebob's nose into your sphincter. If you are having difficulty, use the included packet of lube, and if that doesn't work, ask your parents to buy you some amyl nitrate.") -> [...] -> -> 1. Field of Invention -> -> This invention relates generally to toy gas-fired missiles, and -> more particularly to a toy gas-fired missile and launcher assembly -> in which the explosive mixture for propelling the missile is -> derived from colonic gas discharged by the operator of the toy. If I weren't so lazy I'd go all the way from the patent office's Web site to the trademark office's Web site to see whether they've already filed for a trademark on "Butt Bazooka". By the way, according to the patent application, it took _two_ inventors to come up with the idea of "fart in a tube then light it, you'll like it". One can only imagine what sort of wonderful inventions they could have created if they had had a third collaborator. A fart-powered hovercar? -> 2. Status of Prior Art -> -> Flatulence is the accumulation of excessive gas in the stomach or -> intestine. Because flatulence may be socially embarrassing, it is -> one of the most common complaints encountered in medical practice. -> Although a number of factors have been implicated in its -> pathogenesis, sometimes no cause can be found and it may therefore -> prove refractory to treatment. Thus, serious discussions of -> flatulence have led to little more than home remedies, largely -> empirically derived. Only in the last three decades has there -> emerged a science of flatology (Price, et al., 1988; Danzl, 1992). "HELLO, MISTER TRADEMARK LAWYER? HOW MUCH DO I HAVE TO PAY YOU TO WRITE ME A WHOLE PARAGRAPH ABOUT HOW FARTS EXIST? WHY AM I YELLING SO LOUD INTO THIS PHONE? BECAUSE IT DON'T WANT TO HOLD IT CLOSE TO MY FACE BECAUSE I TRIED TO DIAL IT BY FARTING ON IT! HELLO?" -> [...] -> -> Aside from occasional caveats found in textbooks concerning the -> dangers of electrocautery and the subsequent explosion of the colon -> during surgery (Levitt and Bond, 1978), or anecdotal accounts of -> flatus ignition, there is little scientific discourse on the -> combustive properties of flatus. "I'm sorry, we're going to deny your patent application due to your failure to look on YouTube." Actually, YouTube hadn't been invented back in 1998, so if you wanted to see kids hurting themselves lighting their butts on fire back then, you had to watch actual TV. Remember when we used to have actual TV? The major networks aired news and game shows, and MTV showed people farting. I want to see what warning stickers they'd put on this toy. "Farty Bum Blaster may cause your intestines to explode, propelling them out through the top of your head at high velocities. Do not fire your intestines at anyone's eye. Refill only with human farts, not elephant farts." It's probably only about half as dangerous as the Stomp Rocket was. (That was the one that was designed to go straight up into your own eye. It was the first missile to come with an eye-seeking guidance mechanism.) -> [...] -> -> SUMMARY OF INVENTION -> -> In view of the foregoing, the main object of this invention is -> to provide a safe toy which exploits the combustible properties -> of flatus to fire a toy missile into space. In a related story, NASA announced major changes to its shuttle program, and is looking to recruit "asstronauts". "To boldly 'go' where no man has 'gone' before..." -> More particularly an object of this invention is to provide a -> toy gas-fired missile and launcher assembly collect in a -> combustion chamber an explosive mixture derived from a colonic -> mixture emanating from the operator of the toy. Note how the description keeps saying "toy" because otherwise if they let on that this might have military applications, the patent would be taken over by the Government in the interest of national security, especially border defense. "HEY MEXICO! PULL MY FLORIDA!" -> Among the significant features of the invention are the following: -> -> A. the toy assembly includes a hand-held unitary launcher. The deluxe model will also include a urinary launcher. -> B. Little skill and minimal safety precautions are required to -> operate the launcher; hence the operator may even be a child. "This product is suitable for ages 3 to 99 providing you are a child, or an adult with the mind of a child, or a child with the mind of a child, or an adult with the mind of a different adult who has the mind of a really special child." I imagine this is not something where you'll have to show an ID to buy it. Nobody who could want one of these could be over the age of fourteen. Heck, if you're even reading this article, you're some sort of bozo. -> C. While the assembly explodes a mixture of air and colonic gas, -> it is hazard-free, for the explosive is safely confined. Suuuuuuure. C'mon, nothing involving farts is ever "safely confined". You could ruin your pants, or worse, ruin Thanksgiving dinner for everyone! Still, if this rocket-launcher were an Estes product, it would probably come with a sheet of important safety rules on how to fart, so Thanksgiving wouldn't be ruined too badly. Also you wouldn't be able to sue, and thus our legal system wouldn't be clogged up with laywers saying "Here is Exhibit A: The farted-on birthday cake!" -> [...] -> -> To operate the assembly, the player who may be fully clothed -> places the inlet of the tube with its valve open adjacent his -> anal region from which a colonic gas is discharged. You don't have to take off your clothes? Hmm. It should at least come with a little Play-Doh Fun Factory template you can stick down your ass crack to ensure that your tighty-whities have skid marks shaped like your favorite cartoon character or politician. I foresee a future when the "you can fart to fire, even through your pants" rocket launcher will be built into the driver's seat of every city bus. Sadly, none of the drawings in the patent show the device actually interfacing with a disgusting idiot, nor do they show the thing shooting through the sky while leaving a brown contrail. -> [...] -> -> The launcher for the missile includes a cylindrical barrel (13) -> whose inner diameter is slightly larger than the diameter of -> the piston. Piston (11) which has an O-ring 12 mounted on its -> free end, telescopes within the barrel and is slidable therein. -> The O-ring which is formed of elastomeric material engages the -> inner surface of the barrel to effect a hermetic seal. Richard Feynman would like to address the committee: "BBRRRRRAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! See how easily that O-ring crumbled when I drank a glass of ice water and then farted on it?" -> [...] -> -> Surrounding intake tube (22) is a cylindrical handle (25) -> having a corrugated surface to provide a good grip. Yeah, 'cause nothing ruins a fart missile deathmatch like dropping your fart tube. -> [...] -> -> The player, as he discharges colonic gas into his anal region, -> concurrently grasps head 10 of the missile ...because that's courtesy, according to R. Lee. Ermey. -> [...] -> -> In practice, the player or operator may be fully clothed, for the -> colonic gas passes through clothing which is permeable to gas. In the future, everyone will wear latex catsuits so that the bad kids won't sneak up behind them and steal their big grown-up farts to launch their missiles. -> Now the operator grasping the handle (25), aims the launcher -> in any desired direction, being careful however to avoid individuals, -> animals or breakable objects. But the police will note that firing it at _groups_ is okay. "ATTENTION RIOTING RED SOX FANS! DISPERSE IN AN ORDERLY FASHION BEFORE WE FINISH EATING OUR TINS OF BOSTON BAKED BEANS!" -> [...] -> -> The energy produced by an explosion of bowel gases need not be -> used to launch a toy missile but can be otherwise exploited, -> such as to project a flag from the barrel. A flag? That's _all_ those guys could think of? Then I call dibs on the following other applications: The Butt Kazoo, The Butt Harmonica, The Butt Airbed, The Butt Paintball Gun, The Butt Cosmetic Airbrush, The Butt Easy-Bake Oven, and The Butt Scuba Tank Refiller. (I think Rich Holmes already patented the Butt Harp.) I can only envision one practical application for the flag attachment: "Mr. Senator, I have indisputable proof that you are a Communist and I will move to impeach you unless you can immediately pull an American flag out of your ass! Oh, hey, look, he's tap-dancing and farting and an American flag popped out of his ass while he was farting the national anthem! I was wrong about him being disrespectful of our country! Now let's hug, and salute the Fart Flag!" -- K. So which toy company will manufacture this? Does Tootsietoy still exist? Or have they stopped tooting out new toys? Or will this just become part of the expensive Lego AssStorms series? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: migraines (was: Well, that was pretty pointless.) Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2006 22:00:35 -0400 Sara Larrsen (saralarrsen@gmail.com) wrote: > > I suffered from migraines two different times in my life and > because I never get stuff like that *sometimes*, both times > I had them around the clock. > > The first time I got them the only thing stressful was that I had > the leading role in a local community theater production of > "The Effect Of Gamma Rays On Man In The Moon Marigolds" > and I struggled with my challenging role of constantly repeating > "Yes mother", "No mother". I bet other cast members were playing a practical joke on you. They were actually doing "Psycho". The look on your face when you found out you'd been Norman Bates for months must've been priceless. > Oh and I had to hold a squirmy and tempermental live rabbit with > enormous teeth for a large part of the performance. Ever notice how when people pick up cats on TV or in movies, the cats are incredibly docile as far as allowing random actors to manhandle them? That's thanks to delicious new Purina Cat Chloroform Chow. It contains nine essential drugs (one for each of the cat's lives), enough to turn a perky kitten into an elderly dog. It's too bad the rabbit version wasn't on the market back when you were in "Psycho". If you had known it was "Psycho", you could have just patiently explained to the rabbit that as preparation for your role you needed to practice your taxidermy skills. Then he'd know not to bother you. > One morning I woke up and tried to drive to work and had to return > home because of the pain. I went to dozens of doctors who all said > basically the same thing: "Get glasses". Well, four of them said that. The fifth said "Dip your stick of gum in sugar before chewing it!" and then he wondered why they never paid him to appear in any TV commercials. > I always replied with basically the same thing: "Get bent". > Finally, one doctor sent me to get a brain scan which was a horrible > experience since I was just 17. I walked into a room filled with xrays > everywhere. I asked the technician what was on them and he > cheerfully announced "Oh, those are all tumors". He then told > me to sit back on this xray table where I WHACKED my head > on the friggin xray thing. Nice going Igor, just because I came > in for a headache doesn't mean you're supposed to send me out > with one. I didn't have a tumor, the doctor gave me a drug which I > can't recall which did stop the migraines, I didn't get glasses and > the play was a boorish success. I have no idea what the doctor > gave me but the play ended around the same time as the migraines. Was there a woman in the back of the audience who kept shouting "GIVE THAT WOMAN AN ENEMA!!!" in a hilarious Brooklyn Jewish accent? If so, there's a joke you should know about. ...but first, the Aristocrats! > The second time I started getting migraines was when I was 20, > shortly after I got married. We were so poor we were living with > my inlaws. The cause was a disease called my mother in law. Since > I couldn't jusifiably kill it I went to doctors. One doctor put me > on something called Cafergot [sp?]. It didn't take away the migraines > but it did grow fibers on my stomach wall which he apparently > didn't bother to read up on like I did. I filled all the remaining > prescriptions and ground them up and put them into my mother > in law's nightly beer(s) where she'd sit getting drunk until 4 in > the morning crying and keeping me awake. I'd sit across from her > with my migraine induced, teary red eye praying for fiber growth. Fibers... on your... stomach... wall? Hmm. I suppose that wouldn't be too bad, unless you were ticklish, in which case having fibers in your stomach would be worse than Hitler, no matter how briefly he was living in your stomach. > I finally went to a Neurologist who gave me some type of > antidepressant that worked almost immediately. I have > looked online for the name of the stuff because I can't > remember, it was many years ago. I keep thinking it > might have been something called Elavil?? If so, there's a good mnemonic for remembering the name "Elavil" -- just think "EVIL around L.A."! Or "Hollywood" for short. > [...] > > Sara Larrsen > Migraine free for 23 years - > Mother in law free for 10 [time off for good behavior] Yay, you win! I'm not sure how many years it's been since I had a full migraine incident, I think it was about 8 or 9. At the moment I'm just wishing the hair would grow back on the knee I road-rashed the night my computer was stolen. I want my knees to match -- do they make a drug that grows thick black fibers on knees? -- K. The only play in which I ever played a psycho was that scene from "Equus" I did in acting class. It's the most uplifting, life-affirming thing anyone ever wrote about insane teenagers poking horses' eyes out, unless you count that one haiku. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: pepper-butchness in the news Date: Fri, 20 Oct 2006 17:25:38 -0400 [abcnews.go.com] -> -> Proving Prowess Through Spicy Food -> -> The Hotter the Better -- Men Eat Spicy Food to Impress Their Dates, -> Study Shows -> -> By ROGER KAPLINSKY-DWARIKA -> -> LONDON, Oct. 20, 2006 -- Did you know that men lie about the -> amount of hot and spicy food they eat? Five million men in Britain -> hold bragging rights to how much spicy food they can tolerate, all -> to impress their dates and girlfriends. Yawn. Nobody in Britain will hold "bragging rights" to the consumption of spicy food until that country develops a flavor palette that doesn't include any stuff as bland as "bangers & mash", "bubble & squeak", and "boiled fish & boiled chips". Of course, people in the U.S. are just as bad (here we have these restaurants called "McDonalds" that don't serve flavor at all) which is why I'm glad I'm from Neptune. -> That's according to Domino's Pizza, which recently commissioned -> research on this. And all the men surveyed by the Domino's drivers found that 100% of people wanted to buy greasy, mass-produced pizza and would rather have it delivered than buy their crappy pizza at the supermarket. Further research into whether or not people are idiots will be conducted by the people who sell that blue margarine, the people who make inflatable sneakers, and the people who run WebTV. -> Why do men exaggerate and lie about something like this? Is it a -> male chauvinistic, competitive streak or an automatic reflex that -> kicks in when a large amount of alcohol requires the hottest chili -> curry on the menu? It's 'cause they're _British_. You know, from a country where they like their food to be as bland as Scandinavian food but not that pretty white color. "Oh oh oh I can't eat this, I shook the bottle too hard and I accidentally put too much HP Curry Sauce in it!" (For those who don't know, HP Curry Sauce tastes like candy. It's a mixture of eight kinds of corn syrup plus orange paint.) HP even makes a "mild" variety of their curry sauce. It's considerably less spicy than the average American ketchup. Someday it would be interesting to compare Britain's HP Mild Curry Sauce to America's Pace Extra Mild Picante Sauce (the stuff where the color-coding for the level below "green lid" is "blue lid".) I find people who are terrified of flavor to be fascinating, and fun to pull evil pranks on. -> Curious, I visited a popular curry house in the Hammersmith area of -> London to find out, interviewing diners who ranged in age from 18 to 30. No 31-year-olds allowed, because nobody's who's _old_ could possibly enjoy food with flavor! -> Twenty-two-year old Jon was out and about with a group of his -> friends after they'd all had drinks. "I think it's the lad thing -> when you go out with your mates and have a few jars and then go off -> for a steaming curry -- the hotter the better," he said. "Besides, -> you're all tanked up, and you're with your mates, and you gotta -> impress them!" -> -> His friends agree. Clearly intoxicated, they say it's the need to -> prove your prowess or manliness that is practically endemic to -> British culture. "A guy has to be seen to show off to his friends, -> and if he can't do that with an expensive car or a nice house, then -> the thing to do, it seems, is to eat the hottest chilies in front -> of his friends that are available during a meal," sais Ken. -> -> However, Chris and wife Jenny, also at the restaurant, disagreed. -> "I think it's OK to consume hot food, but it shouldn't become a -> competitive sport. Youngsters these days feel everything should be -> consumed in vast quantities without disregard for their health," -> Chris said. Meanwhile, inside this guy's brain, a billion people in India suddenly dropped dead. At least, that's the way biology works in the magical world in which he lives. People who claim spicy food is somehow bad for your health are people who just don't understand that some people actually like spicy food. Sweet food does have demonstrable bad effects on your health (tooth decay, diabetes) and sour food also can cause problems (duh, it's acid) but the worst thing hot pepper can do to you is make you cry into your beer. In fact, hot pepper has long been known to be an antimicrobial agent (i.e. it reduces the chance of you getting food poisoning from stuff that's been sitting around in the back room of the Indian restaurant if you ask for it to be spicy) and many recent studies have shown various small beneficial effects from curcumin (a key component of curry spices) although it's still not clear precisely how that works. But the important thing is that I don't think there's any actual medical literature supporting this puss's claim that people who like hot food more than he does have "disregard for their health". -> His wife nods in silent agreement when I ask her whether she allows -> her husband to eat a hot curry. "I do", she said, "but only once in -> a while, and then he sleeps in the spare room!" So let's see. He's afraid eating food with spices in it will kill him, and also, he lets his wife boss him around. I bet he also hides behind the couch whenever the Daleks are on TV. Someone should also explain to her that turmeric (i.e. the stuff that makes curry yellow) _inhibits_ intestinal gas. If he's farting from spicy curry, he'll fart even more from the mild curry, 'cause it's the meat and grease and vegetables and starch that's doing it. -> So lets take a step back here. How did the chilies make their way -> to Britain, to our restaurants, market stalls and supermarkets to -> feed our near-masochistic nature? The British wouldn't understand their "near-masochistic nature" if Diana Rigg dressed up and explained it to them on TV. -> Importer and grocer Pete, who does not want to reveal his last -> name, runs a chili Web site and a chili farm. He grows and sells -> the hot-table condiments to anyone willing to partake, both online -> and at the market stall. Pete's Web site, ChilliPepperPete.com, -> boasts a selection of the world's hottest and mildest chilies known -> to man. But the British search for ever-milder chilis continues! Will they ever find one milder than a bell pepper? Tony Blair's government has made this a priority. 50% of every British person's TV license fee goes directly to the search for vanilla-flavored peppers! -> "Men do it to impress -- that's the first thing," said Pete. "Then -> they move on to the second level, where they begin to impress and -> feel the higher ecstasy of the chili. Then they move on to the -> third level, where they become connoisseurs and hooked on it, like -> me, but that takes a long time and a lot of chilies." Two is the magic number if you know which ones are the yummy ones. -> Pete's been running market stalls all over Britain for more than 10 -> years. "I've tasted all the chilies from all over the earth," he -> said, "and the hottest one, which I grow, is called a Naga Jolokia, -> which comes from India, and I'm the fella that discovered it! Uh-huh. And the hottest hot sauce in the world is whatever the most expensive one in the shop where you asked the question is. Because people believe anything. People never seem to catch on that people who sell peppers and saucers lie distort things twice as much as people who sell cars. A quick Google search turns up that the "Naga Jolokia" was discovered and publicized by people in India, and their test results were never replicated under any trustworthy conditions, and the pepper is the same shape, size, color, flavor, texture, odor, and species as a habanero. The people in India bragging about how much heat this particular strain has could've just picked any old habanero and treated it badly in order to get arbitrarily high test results, assuming they didn't just make the results up like they made up a name for their local habaneros. And again, I stand by my claim that ingredients marketed as being super-hot are basically admitting they don't have any other reason to be on the market (such as a nice flavor.) It's much better to get the same amount of heat from a greater quantity of nice-tasting peppers than to use miniscule quantities of Mr. Liar's Impossibly Hot Peppers. It's about knowing how to cook, not about listening to salesmen who couldn't handle working on a car lot. The moment anyone trying to sell you something starts talking about how many Scoville units it has, you should walk away, just like if a computer salesman says "You should buy this because it has more ROM than the other one." -> When it comes to his market stall in Brighton, East Sussex, Pete -> said he always offers a selection of "appetizers" to potential -> customers, a "try before you buy. -> -> "It's always the young lads with their mates and girlfriends that -> come round to sample the chilies," Pete said. It's so amusing to -> watch. They go from pale to red to pale and run off, but 10 minutes -> later they're back for more." Wow, British men finish up quick. I mean, there's not much you can do in ten minutes unless all you paid her for was half a blowjob. -> Clearly a trend has established itself here, and the East Sussex's -> youth has embraced it. -> -> But behind the sweat-drenched faces of the chilli consumer, though, -> ticking away in the brain, which, it's hoped, hasn't gone numb from -> the sizzling pain, lies a psychological reason behind the desire to -> consume the hot stuff. Because... some people... like... it? Because some people choose to eat what they want instead of living off nothing but oat bran and Space Food Sticks? Here, let me write every news story that's ever been published about hot peppers, except shorter and louder: SCIENTISTS ARE BAFFLED BY THE FACT THAT SOME PEOPLE LIKE ALL THREE SECTIONS OF THE NEAPOLITAN ICE CREAM!!! WHY ISN'T VANILLA GOOD ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODY??? PEOPLE WHO EAT CHOCOLATE MUST HAVE THEIR BRAINS WIRED FUNNY SO THEY GET SOME INCOMPREHENSIBLE DRUG EFFECTS FROM THE COCOA POWDER, BECAUSE TASTE BUDS WERE NEVER INVENTED!!! People like hot peppers because they taste good _and_ they give you a rush beyond anything you could get from any of the sections of the Neapolitan ice cream. Not everyone likes the taste, and not everyone wants to experience that rush, but some do, and those who don't, don't. Also, some people are show-offs who try to impress their dates by pretending to be a wine expert, some try to impress their dates by taking them to the most expensive restaurant in town, and some try to impress their dates by showing how tough they are because as scientists are well-aware, some women dig jocks. -> "I suspect that this type of behavior has its roots in our -> evolutionary past. Males who exhibited the greatest ability to -> withstand pain stood a better chance of attracting more females," -> said Richard Wiseman, whose wife keeps beating him up. -> a senior psychologist at the University of Hertfordshire. -> "Such behavior becomes advantageous" -> -> But there's a flip side to the hard-man image that's eroded as -> women become more and more selective in whom they choose to date. This is the sort of sentence where the teacher accidentally snaps their red pen in half in their zeal to circle it and write "SUPPORT YOUR ASSERTIONS, YOU TWIT." Except for the few insane teachers who just like to write margin notes to tell you how much they agree with everything you say, and those teachers are busy writing "HOW TRUE, WOMEN DID USED TO BE IDIOTS UNTIL LAST WEEK. I'LL GIVE YOU 20 POINTS EXTRA CREDIT FOR WHATEVER YOU DID THAT MADE ALL WOMEN LESS SLUTTY." -> "In today's society, Wiseman continued, "such displays have become -> rather futile, and so it is rather sad that men are still competing -> in this way. It is not clear what type of women would find such -> behavior attractive, and whether they would be worth competing for." Science is unable to understand that women have the same range of food preferences as humans. According to science, women spend their days eating watercress sandwiches with the crusts cut off and a side of invisible tea, and would never dream of going to any establishment that serves curry, buffalo wings, hot & sour soup, tacos, etc., etc. Guys who make statements implying that women will never like spicy food because all women are made of cotton candy must not talk to a lot of women. Another thing science can't explain is how Domino's came to be an authority on spicy food. That's like asking Tom Carvel for diet advice. -> This is a view reflected by lad mag Maxim's feature editor, Martin -> Robinson. "Competition between men to prove their worth and status -> can often teeter on the realms of stupidity," Robinson said. "They -> feel they have to do it to prove they're the top dog, the big -> kahuna, the leaders, the protectors and the one that can sexually -> satisfy." "Being a leader is stupid. Now read Maxim. Maxim, the magazine for men who will read anything. And there's a Domino's coupon on page 36, and another on page 71, and one on the back cover..." -> However, Robinson believes that through the evolutionary process, -> the gene that controls competitive behavior may have been thrown -> into overdrive and possibly hasn't evolved yet. "Consuming the -> hottest chilies in a genetically competitive sense of the word can -> be dated back to the primitive ages through evolution CITE? FLUNK! -> and men are, by nature, competitive. The bad news is this behavior -> shows no signs of abatement." "Unlike women, who just keep getting smarter and smarter! They keep finding cleverer and cleverer ways to tell me they won't date me! Both women I talked to this year zinged me much harder than the five women I'd talked to in the 1990s!" -> So guys, when you've had a few pints and you hit the local curry -> house and are about to order the hottest dish on the menu, think -> about these wise words from Maxim's Robinson: "It might make you -> look hard to your mates and potentially good in a fight, but when -> you're sat on a toilet somewhere when the fight kicks off and -> you're sputtering and cold sweating, what would your friends -> think then?" If they're like me, they'd think AWWW POOOOOR BABY in the sarcastic part of their brain, because I never get the "ring of fire" aftereffect to any significant degree. Hot food hurts the most when you _swallow_ it, so unless I'm just wired differently from everyone else, I think that anyone who whines about how much it hurts coming out probably spent the entire dinner running around in circles crying "MY MOUF IS ON FIRE!" because their Taco Bell hot sauce had almost a whole dot of black pepper in it. -> Copyright (c) 2006 ABC News Internet Ventures And now for something completely different. The shorter, snappier British edition: [www.metro.co.uk] => => Men are idiots -- curry edition => Friday, October 20, 2006 => => Almost a third of young men admit buying spicy dishes they don't => like just to impress their mates, according to a a new poll. => => Three in ten men aged 18 to 34 ordered pizzas and curries loaded => with chillis purely to show off, Domino's Pizza found. => => Half of them said they would eat the lot rather than admit defeat. => But only tiny minority (3%) said they would go as far to refuse => water during the challenge. Because only 3% of British people have been educated in how drinking water is the worst thing you can do if you don't like the feeling of capsaicin (an oil) burning your mouth? If food's too hot for you, you can try drinking milk to encapsulate it, or eat some rice or bread to scrape it off your teeth. Throwing cold water on it is like tossing an ice cube into a deep fryer. => But the chilli challenge does not stretch to women. Only 6% said => they have ordered hot food to make an impression. By a remarkable coincidence, 94% of the idiots who buy from Domino's are men! => Chilli enthusiast Pete Seymour said: 'These days, alpha males have => moved on from using their fists to display their dominance and are => searching for alternative means to gain power in a group.' Shut up or I'll flamewar your ass back to rec.org.mensa. -- K. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make some very spicy curry just so I'll have something to brag about on the Internet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: pepper-butchness in the news Date: Sat, 21 Oct 2006 22:43:24 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > Because... some people... like... it? Because some people choose > > to eat what they want instead of living off nothing but oat bran > > and Space Food Sticks? > > I WANT SPACE FOOD STICKS TO COME BACK. Also Breakfast Squares. Wah. Dude, get on the Internet. They brought back Space Food Sticks a couple years ago and you missed it. You could've bought Space Food Sticks here: http://www.spacefoodsticks.com The Space Food Sticks are sold out (looks like I bought the last fifty cases) but you can still buy the T-shirt that commemorates the fact that you could have bought Space Food Sticks over the Internet. Sorry you missed your chance at having the revived Space Food Sticks. You'll have to switch to these newfangled knockoffs of them called "Tootsie Rolls". They're exactly the same thing except you have to knead them first to give them the proper turdly consistency. -- K. Sorry. HAW HAW! Sorry.