From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Flex-Cuffed Midgets! Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2006 01:04:26 -0400 MetaFilter pointed me to this anonymous posting from a Marine in Iraq: [hqmc.net] -> -> [...] -> -> Most Surreal Moment -- Watching Marines arrive at my detention -> facility and unload a truck load of flex-cuffed midgets. 26 to be -> exact. I had put the word out earlier in the day to the Marines in -> Fallujah that we were looking for Bad Guy X, who was described as -> a midget. Little did I know that Fallujah was home to a small -> community of midgets, who banded together for support since they -> were considered as social outcasts. The Marines were anxious to -> get back to the midget colony to bring in the rest of the midget -> suspects, but I called off the search, figuring Bad Guy X was long -> gone on his short legs after seeing his companions rounded up by -> the giant infidels. There's something lyrical about the phrase "flex-cuffed midgets". (THIS IS FLEX-CUFF MIDGET FETISH) I call dibs on not being the one who writes the song "Bad Guy X, The Flex-Cuffed Midget". -> Most Profound Man in Iraq -- an unidentified farmer in a fairly -> remote area who, after being asked by Reconnaissance Marines -> (searching for Syrians) if he had seen any foreign fighters in -> the area replied "Yes, you." If zingers were bombs, at that moment Iraq would have won the war with their Atomically Obvious Zinger. It takes some balls to sass-talk a Marine. I'm too smart to try to mouth off to Marines, so I only lay the sarcasm on those bozos in the Coast Guard. -- K. AS IF ANYONE WOULD EVER TRY STEALING A COAST!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.geo.geology,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: old vinyl records can be a model Re: Experiment #1 for Centrifuge theory of Plate Tectonics Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2006 20:53:34 -0400 In sci.physics, sci.geo.geology, and sci.physics.electromag, a_plutonium (a_plutonium@dtgnet.com) wrote: > > Another working model mimics old vinyl records where you place more than > one record in the turntable causing the topmost one to go slower than > usual and which we can hear the audio slower. > > So we can craft records that imitate the mantle, ocean crust and > continent crust and place them one on top of another and thence make > observations and calculations and scale up to the planet Earth itself. Wait just a minute. Two weeks ago you were ranting about how the pots and pans on top of your fridge were the perfect model for Earth's internal processes. And then last week you were going on about cotton candy and how it was the perfect model for geophysics. This week it's your record collection. What happened? Did you eat all your cotton candy? I hereby officially start the "What Random Object Will Archimedes Plutonium See In His Kitchen Next?" betting pool. Perhaps the "Eureka!" moment for your next theory will be "I saw a doorframe!" or "I am wearing shoes!" or "I ate a gummi bear!" or "I am standing on the floor!" In the betting pool, my money's on you finding a candy wrapper. Also, I get double points if you find it in the toilet. > Archimedes Plutonium > www.iw.net/~a_plutonium > whole entire Universe is just one big atom > where dots of the electron-dot-cloud are galaxies So? I bet I could eat more cotton candy than you. -- K. Now please go check your toilet for candy wrappers or other inspirations for your theories. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: God is mad Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2006 21:06:32 -0400 In sci.physics and sci.astro, kurtstocklmeir@earthlink.net wrote: > > I guess > > God sends to me theories > > God creates curses against theories that God sends to me > > girls and boys who are good will not talk about any of my theories - > they know what God will do to them and their family Kurt! I'm glad you're posting about the boys and the girls again. I missed your observations on gender stereotypes and their contributions to conventional socialization. Also, the stories about people having sex with giant lizards. Can we please have more stories about the sexy lizard people? Nobody else ever posts that stuff. > curses from God makes things fair - when an innocent person is abused > by dishonest people God will create a curse Can God create an uncurseable object? Also, can God please explain to me whether or not there should be that "e" in the middle of "uncurseable"? It looks wrong with the "e", but it also looks wrong without the "e", and the dictionary would say both were acceptable if it were a real word, so I don't know who to trust, and I'm counting on you to use your personal connection to God to help me figure out how to spell strange new words... To seek out new life, and new civilizations... To boldly go where no boys and girls have gone before! > there is a curse against people associated with Old Dominion University > - it has spread - hurting people, killing people and destroying people > all around the world Why are you still using the Old Dominion University! New Dominion University is protected from curses by a giant dome made of aluminum foil! Switch from Old Dominion University to New & Improved Dominion University today! It's fun for boys, girls, and their favorite space lizards! > it would be good if God gave me the power to create curses - to make > things fair > > girls and boys who are good will not kiss any person who has bodies of > animals between their teeth YAYYYYYYY THAT MEANS WE CAN STILL KISS LIZARDS! > people need to do their small part to fight bad people or they are > dishonest > > Kurt Stocklmeir Your name has the right number of "k"s in it. -- K. However, your name has the bodies of consonants within its vowels. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2006 21:20:35 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > [...] > > He retrieves a perfectly ordinary-looking wallet... and starts to open it. > > POP-UP PICTURE OF SPOT ON A STICK: "Spot's First Fifty Impalements" was the greatest pop-up book ever published. It rivals "Bugs In A Box On Fire" and "Pull The Tab To See How Elmo Died". As far as wallets go, I haven't carried one for years. My pants and jacket have these special containers called "pockets" that can hold paper money, plastic cards, coins, keys, a passport, a Chinese chess set, various claim checks, several bootleg DVDs, a hankie, toxic breath mints for the kids, and as many pairs of handcuffs as it takes to fill up any leftover pockets. You never want to discover that you only brought ten pairs of handcuffs when you're shoving eleven street musicians into the back of the unmarked van. I mean, yes, of course I carry a wallet. And nothing else. Why do you ask? -- K. Poor Spot On A Stick! It all started when he told the nice ice cream man that he felt like a Fudgsicle! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: making change is haaaaaard (was: Here, it's a nice cheap shot.) Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 16:06:22 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > I don't have change jars, because I can fit the change I have > > > > to the amount I'm charged before I give it to the cashier. > > > > Then I get to watch them figure out why I just handed them > > > > $11.07 to pay for a total of $5.82 ... > > > > > > Please to not be purposelly menting the cashier if there are people > > > behind you in line. > > > > Not tormenting them on purpose; they're doing it to -themselves-. > > If they just count what I give them and punch it in, $5.25 in change > > pops up on the register and they get this Look on their face for > > a split second and dig it out of the drawers and give it to me. > > It's the ones that are smart enough to realize I didn't give them > > a quarter and a ten-dollar bill, but not smart enough to realize > > that maybe there's a reason I gave them what I did and who try to > > give me back the pennies before they do anything else, that this > > is intended for, as a Zen teaching tool so to speak. > > Back before automatic change machines made everybody forget arithmetic, > minimizing the number of coins involved in the transaction and maximizing > the number of small coins left in the till was called polite, not > torment. In some countries, cashiers look at you like you're trying to > rob them when you don't use the smallest demoninations possible. Forcibly trying to educate the vast unwashed masses isn't torture, it's our sacred duty as people who are trying to help people who forgot to evolve come along on our magical mystery tour. Also, some of us need quarters for the bus. Further evidence that some people are still trying to be polite: Yesterday in my building, someone apologized for having to take the elevator from the lobby to the first floor (because they had a little wheelie suitcase.) I know most people here are too lazy to carry a small suitcase up one flight of stairs, but I've never before encountered someone who was embarrassed by knowing that they were part of the vast social problem caused by wheelie suitcases. Wheelie suitcase give off some sort of invisible radiation that makes their owners go out of their way to be obstacles when you encounter them on the sidewalk. (Suitcases without wheels are good, because when people are carrying heavy things they _hurry_, but when they're towing a suitcase with toy skate wheels suddenly they're out for a leisurely drive in an imaginary SUV.) Anyway, back to making change. There's a level of "Big Brain Academy" for the Nintendo DS where it throws two similar-but-different handfuls of change at you and you have a tenth of a second to use your magical Rain Man powers to determine which pile of twenty coins is worth slightly more or the game will punish you by taking away 200 grams of your brain mass. This is made extra-difficult by the fact that Nintendo thinks American nickels, dimes, and quarters are all the about same size with the same picture on them. I think we could install something like that at supermarket checkouts to teach people about change -- they'd have to tap the picture that shows the most convenient amount to pay, and if they hit the wrong one, their groceries would become 200 grams lighter. The missing mass would be given to the homeless, unless they're dragging a wheelie suitcase around in which case we'd let them starve. -- K. But I worry about the world Nintendo might create if they train millions of people to have Rain Man powers. Because then everyone who doesn't become Rain Man will become Tom Cruise. P.S. How come you can buy wheelie luggage, but you can't buy endo luggage? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 22:04:47 -0400 "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > I thought what was going on was Change-Fu for the express purpose of > > > tripping up the cashier. > > > > Seriously, 30 years ago, if you handed a cashier a $10 bill for a $5.82 > > charge, she would often ASK you if you had seven cents, and maybe even > > ask if you had a dollar bill. I am not talking about tensor calculus. > > Neither am I. I'm talking about being on your damn feet for seven hours > and it's half an hour until you can leave and your car keeps rattling > and the dog keeps coughing and the upstairs neighbors won't stop having > sex and your shoes don't fit right and your teeth hurt. See if you can > be Mr. CalculatorBrainSmartyPants then. You're on. It's a duel. A change-making duel. I challenge you to a two-player round of the "BE LIKE RAIN MAN" level of "Big Brain Academy" that I mentioned in a previous article. I'm up for it any time, anywhere because the game says I have a giant, deformed brain that's better than a human's. You get to choose how many hours we have to stand at a cash register before the game begins. I can do 7, 14, 21, probably even 28 and still whomp that game. And I'm not even autistic! I guess that means I'm just a _regular_ savant. Anyway, if you don't like making change, you should get out of the comic book business and try selling things that are worth more than fifty cents each. Either that or sell them as bundles of ten Lois Lanes for a buch. Just staple them together. Sorry to hear that your upstairs neighbors have sex. Mine just get stoned and try to find a third chord on their guitar while singing lyrics they hope someday Green Day will pay them twenty bucks for. Still, at least they're better than the people who had that apartment several years ago -- those were the ones who would crank up the radio to maximum volume for "Candle In The Wind '97", and _only_ for "Candle In The Wind '97", 'cause, like, Princess Di died just so that song could be so awesome and stuff. (None of the Al-Qaeda operatives living in this building were immediately adjacent to my apartment, so I don't know what annoying noises they made.) -- K. I can make change no matter how many major international terrorists are playing "Candle In The Wind '97" at me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 16:44:54 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > I thought what was going on was Change-Fu for the express purpose of > > tripping up the cashier. > > Seriously, 30 years ago, if you handed a cashier a $10 bill for a $5.82 > charge, she would often ASK you if you had seven cents, and maybe even > ask if you had a dollar bill. I am not talking about tensor calculus. Dude, it's not cool to tease Lots42 about stuff that happened twenty years before he was born. How soon before this thread turns into yet more discussion of what happens when you try to use a two-dollar bill, a Susan B. Anthony dollar coin, and a Kennedy half-dollar at Taco Bell? And why is it that lately I haven't been seeing Canadian change as often as I did thirty years ago? Is it because Canadian money is no longer worthless? -- K. Now I'm going to talk about tensor calculus: EWW LUXO JR. NEEDS HIS TEETH CLEANED! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 05:06:23 -0400 [on handing odd amounts of money to a cashier so as to get back an even amount of change] "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I thought what was going on was Change-Fu for the express purpose of > tripping up the cashier. This is wrong. > > And even Einstien wouldn't be as fast with the change after seven hours > on his feet in retail Nuh-uh. He had a Nobel Prize and with one of those you automatically get pre-approved for a major credit card. So he always paid with plastic 'cause he was so smart that he was declared an honorary rich person. Also, his name was stamped right on the card to save him the trouble of figuring out how to spell it. As far as change-fu goes, you're thinking of the Shaw Brothers' "Twelve Deadly Coins", which I haven't watched yet but I'm pretty sure it doesn't feature Einstein doing backflips while hanging from wires. One theory is that if Einstein _were_ a Hongkie, he'd look like Tsui Hark did in "Aces Go Places II". On the other hand, if he were Japanese, of course he'd look like Kakihara 'cause all cool people look exactly like Kakihara. I'm not sure what he'd look like if he were Filipino, possibly he'd just have a giant closet of shoes that were all stuffed with wads of crazy hair. -- K. I will pay five Imaginary Internet Deadly Dollar Coins to the first person who draws me a picture of Canadian Einstein fighting Uwe Boll. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2006 16:45:04 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You never want to discover that you only brought ten pairs of > > handcuffs when you're shoving eleven street musicians into the > > back of the unmarked van. > > Why do you need handcuffs when the mimes are already dead? > Oh, sorry, I misread your statement. Never mind. See, you do the street musicians _before_ you come back for the the mimes, 'cause the mimes can't talk. You have to be careful of the robot statue mimes, though. Some of them aren't really robots, but they all have super powers just the same. -- K. Then Picasso's Monstrosity comes to life and chases Bob Newhart all the way to the office. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2006 01:48:45 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > As far as wallets go, I haven't carried one for years. My pants and > > jacket have these special containers called "pockets" [...] > > I have a wallet because the pieces of rectangular paper, cardboard, > and plastic that I carry in it fray REAL fast from the edges in, and > crumple (yes, even the plastic) if they're not in it. Gee. I must be living in a dimension with better laws of physics than yours because merely putting things in my jacket or pants pockets protects them as well as your leather wallet does. In other words, BUY SOME CLOTHING MADE FROM ANIMAL PRODUCTS, YOU FREAKIN' HIPPIE!!! > Also in my pockets are my three-ring keychain, with each hooked into > the other two, Lame. Wake me when you get the three of them to be linked without any one of them being linked to either of the other two, like the Borromean rings. Or don't you like Ballantine beer? I'll make you a whole suit of chain mail using that weave for only fifty million dollars, assuming you have that much in your puny wallet. (Wallets are for people who can only ever envision having a finite amount of money.) > and a pair of little Borders stripey-cards danging; a variable amount of > change, though usually never more than 5 pennies or other changeable-up > combination; let's see... two click-open pens, three cap-off-open pens, one > felt-tip pen, and a pencil; and of course the standard four 20-sided dice > (opaque purple, pearled golden, clear glittery blue, and clear glittery > green) in case a Magic game or D&D session spontaneously arises, or I have > to determine random numbers for some reason or other. And a bit of lint. In other words, I win. The contents of my pockets can kick the ass of the contents of your dice bag, unless that's not your dice bag, in which case that's probably not your ass either. (Remember, the potato's supposed to go in the front!) > > [...] > > > > I mean, yes, of course I carry a wallet. And nothing else. Why do > > you ask? > > "Wallet" is so redefinable! Define the wallet family any way you want, but I already won, Skeezix. So what do we play next? Comparing your wallet to my awesome lack of a wallet was too easy. I say that next we should play Rollerball. Be sure to get the right kind of pants, I think International Male still sells them. -- K. Just try not to fall on your keys, especially if they're interlinked in some weird four-dimensional way. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2006 17:01:10 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Gee. I must be living in a dimension with better laws of physics than > > yours because merely putting things in my jacket or pants pockets > > protects them as well as your leather wallet does. > > Per-haps it's the leatherness of the pockets; per-haps it's the CAREFUL > ARRANGING OF THE SCRAPS OF PAPER AND FILING SYSTEM inside your pockets. > Not gonna spend two minutes carefully filing something new in a pocket > each time; I don't even -shave- more than every month or two because it > wastes too much Internet time. But wallets waste more time. And space. And money. I just remember that money and plastic cards are on the right, change and keys are on the left, toys and games are in the jacket. > > The contents of my pockets can kick the ass of the contents of your > > dice bag, unless that's not your dice bag, in which case that's probably > > not your ass either. > > That's not my dice box, no. That's just the carry-around ones. The dice box > started off as the container for a 12-sided Rubik's Cube (...pause while > some of the younger ARKians frantically wiki). Uwe Meffert hereby challenges you to a boxing match unless you agree with Douglas Hofstadter's 1980s assertion that the market can sustain an infinite number of variations of Rubik's Cube because nobody could ever possibly get tired of that fad. -- K. Things I considered referencing in this thread, but chose not to because that would make it TOO EASY: * Chris Elliott's father wearing the "Rollerball" pants from International Male * "The Captured Cross-Section" featuring the hovering flesh watermelon wearing a leather belt * Wayne Knight mocking your wallet and then putting on the LEATHER OVEN MITTS OF DOOOOOM!!! * The horrible acid at the center of the Skewb ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2006 16:51:51 -0400 "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Gee. I must be living in a dimension with better laws of physics than > > yours because merely putting things in my jacket or pants pockets > > protects them as well as your leather wallet does. > > Non wallet stuff leaps from my pocket faster then base jumpers when the > cops are spotted. Well, yes, if you dress like a kangaroo and act like a kangaroo. On the other hand, if you had a leather jacket with nice zippers on the pockets, or were skinny enough to wear correctly-fitting pants so things wouldn't pop out of the front pockets every time you tried to sit down, your life would be as perfect as mine. People who rely on primitive Earth wallets probably also have trouble deciding between laces and velcro for their shoes, while we Space Vikings prefer footwear that begins with "jack-". Shoes with fasteners are for babies. Except for ninja shoes, which are all right because the dozen little brass hook thingies are on the inside where nobody can laugh at them. NEVER TRY TO LAUGH AT A NINJA, THEY ARE UNMOCKABLE. -- K. I bet your gloves don't even have zippered pockets in them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here, it's a nice cheap shot. Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2006 23:55:59 -0400 "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I have had other retail experience besides the flea market. You mean like the time you bought a chocolate bar on your way to the Kiewit Computation Center? Or was that someone else? -- K. Hey, the old Subject: line _said_ it had to be a cheap shot. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Wee-Wee In The News (as usual) Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2006 01:02:23 -0400 Attention "Match Game '76" fans: Weird Willie broke into an elementary school restroom to steal a cup of BLANK! What did you put for your answer, Brett Somers? "Sugar?" "I'm sorry, but we're going to have to let Charles Nelson Reilly shoot you in the head now." *BANG* Anyway, this wee-wee-oriented news story just flowed down the chute: [www.nbc10.com] -> -> Couple Accused Of Invading School To Steal Urine -> -> POSTED: 3:53 pm EDT October 10, 2006 -> UPDATED: 4:02 pm EDT October 10, 2006 -> -> Images: Couple Accused Of Invading School To Steal Urine -> -> Slideshow: Couple Accused Of Invading School To Steal Urine -> -> Video: Couple Accused Of Invading School To Steal Urine You know, I've been on urine-theft-fetish Web sites that didn't have this large a multimedia library. Actually, no, I haven't. But I _could_ have been, and here on the Internet, that's good enough. -> Angry parents say their children were traumatized, maybe scarred -> for life, in a bizarre grade school invasion in Kentucky. -> -> Police say a sub-contracted teacher and her husband conspired to -> steal urine from students, some as young as 4 years old. -> -> The accused made a court appearance Tuesday in Greenup County. -> -> Glenda Neace worries her fifth grade son may never be the same -> after she says Nick Kintigos invaded Argellite Elementary and -> forced her boy to try and pee in a cup. -> -> "He's scared, can't go in a public bathroom, doesn't know what -> might happen," Neace said. I've said it before, I'll say it again: The first pharmaceutical company to invent a pill that cures "pee-shyness" will have something as big as Viagra on their hands. And possibly all over their shoes. -> Investigators say Teresa Kintigos used her school key to help her -> husband Nick bypass office security and sneak in a back door. -> -> The couple pleaded not guilty to criminal trespass and identity -> theft charges. But parents say Nick Kintigos grabbed and assaulted -> one of the several boys he approached to pee in a cup. -> -> "He was grabbed and turned around from the urinal," Neace said. -> -> "There was harm done, but no physical injury -- so no assault," -> said Mike Wilson, Greenup County attorney. So apparently, the bad people broke into the school, stole some urine, and then stole the dictionary page where "assault" was defined. I hope nobody else reads this article, or we'll have psychopaths running down the street assaulting people without causing "physical injury" while yelling, "DOES THIS BUG YOU? I'M NOT ASSAULTING YOU! DOES THIS BUG YOU?" -> Parent Tammy Ballard says a teacher violated school security rules -> by allowing Nick Kintigos to get his nephew out of class, since -> the suspect was not wearing a required visitors badge. -> -> "It was an oversight, we'll correct it," said Mike Raby, Greenup -> County schools. -> -> "What upsets me the most is kids are afraid to go to school, we've -> seen it with the Amish murders and other problems," Wilson says. -> "We can get justice for the act, but not solve the problems that -> resulted from the act." I heard that in Amish schools the kids don't pee in plastic cups, but in old-fashioned butter churns. (Where do did you _think_ we got "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" from?) -> The mother of the four year old who police say did pee in a cup -> said she wants the urine sample back. (CUT TO STOCK FOOTAGE OF A TRILLION SPACE CLOWNS POINTING AT THE PLANET EARTH AND LAUGHING, WHILE MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON THE EARTH CAREFULLY SIDE-STEP INTO THE HEMISPHERE SHE'S NOT IN.) -> She's worried her son's identity may already be compromised and -> says her son is traumatized. The criminals could be taking his urine to a pee party! Arrest anyone who claims to have uromysitisis! -> Teresa Kintigos is suspended without pay from her teaching job -> with northeast head start. This is the first time that e e cummings elementary school has had trouble with p p goings. -> Copyright 2006 by NBC10.com. All rights reserved. This material -> may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. Ooh! I like the "rewritten" part. Let's use that now. The article continues: The urine was stolen by John F. Kennedy, who faked his own assassination in order to go on a cross-country urine-stealing crime spree. The former President needed urine because his kidneys were destroyed during the Cuban missile crisis, when Krushchev challenged him to a "Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots" match to determine the fate of the world. The blue robot punched Kennedy in the kidneys, and world history was forever changed. Meanwhile, in Kentucky, because it looks like that kid might not get his urine back while it's still fresh, his mother has asked for urine donations to be sent to the family via PeePeePayPal. Copyright 1933, 2006, 2419 James "Kibo" Parry. I urinate on your copyright notice. This material may not be flushed counter-clockwise, except when it's dark on Tuesday. -- K. I apologize for allowing Charles Nelson Reilly to once again go on a murderous rampage. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 17:23:35 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > For reasons I cannot care enough to tell you about I am desolate > this weekend. > Therefore I request stories for entertainment purposes. I don't care what > they're about so long as they're not maudlin nor mawkishly sentimental. > This is your chance to post that story you've been thinking about > for ages now but for one reason or another have held back. Fiction, > non-fiction, science fiction, whatever... > Begin---> SPOT DESTROYS THE CONCEPT OF MAWKISH SENTIMENTALITY by James "Kibo" Parry written just for Terri (NOBODY ELSE READ THIS) Copyright (c) 2006 James "Kibo" Parry, all rights reserved except Terri can read the hell out of this I don't even care how badly-centered these lines are "Zo you zee," said Einstein, "that by firing this laser directly at this piece of Styrofoam, the laser can actually burn a tiny hole in it." "Gosh!" cried Spot, who had never before seen something able to penetrate Styrofoam. "Does this have any practical applications?" "Well, no, except that you could fire the laser at a unicorn statuette carved from dilithium to create a very special explosion that would destroy mawkish sentimentality forever." Spot did that. "Hey!" yelled Einstein. "'You could' is just an expression, not a suggestion!" He looked around at the burning debris where his Periodic Table Of Unicorn Statuettes used to be. Now he would never win the Nobel Prize For Having Every Type Of Unicorn Statuette! He felt so bad about it that he would have cried if he could, but he could no longer be sad because there was no longer any such thing as mawkish sentimentality. Spot and Einstein looked out the window at the lawn. A flock of mawks had been pecking at the grass, but now they had turned into some sort of robot mawk that couldn't be sentimental. The mawks were now busying themselves ignoring the homeless. Spot would have felt sorry for what he did if he could, but there was no longer any such thing as being really, really sorry, so instead he bought a T-shirt that said "YAY! NOW EVERYONE'S A SOCIOPATH AND I AM TOO!" Fortunately, Einstein knew a way to reverse the lack of sentimentality in the world. He merely had to cram eight thousand DVDs of "Grave Of The Fireflies" into the same DVD player, and then trick everyone in the world into watching that DVD player over and over for five years, and then the world would be properly sentimental again, and the mawks would go back to just eating worms instead of eating worms while ignoring the homeless. He added the necessary eight thousand copies of "Grave Of The Fireflies" to his NetFlix queue. In two days, he received sixteen thousand halves of DVDs of "Peter Graves in 'Firefly'" featuring a very old man in outer space. Einstein filled in a form on the Web site to indicate they had sent him the wrong disc eight thousand times, and that that disc had also been broken eight thousand times, and NetFlix tried to make things right by sending him sixty-four thousand tiny shards of "Gravy Of The Fleeflops", even though neither Einstein nor even NetFlix knew what a fleeflop was. Einstein was drowning in fragmentary fleeflops! "Help!" yelled Einstein as the mailman dumped another gigantic stack of fleeflop frags on him. They were pointy, and not what he ordered! Einstein was in agony! Spot, meanwhile, was ignoring Einstein's cries for help, as he was busy setting up the world's largest domino chain reaction. But the North Koreans had secretly tunneled underneath Spot's domino matrix and set off an underground nuclear test. It made some of the dominoes wobble slightly and one of them almost fell over. "Whew!" said Spot, "if that domino had fallen over, I would have felt sad if I could have felt sad if that domino had fallen over which it wouldn't have because if I could still feel sad I'd be crying over Einstein getting NetFlix fragments in his eye instead of wasting my time with pointless domino activities!" Then he finished setting up all the dominoes and he knocked them over. THE END. -- K. You did say it didn't have to be a very good story, right? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 20:44:59 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You did say it didn't have to be a very good story, right? > > I said it could be anything but maudlin or mawklishly sentimental > and in that, you succeeded in spades. Yay! I won a card game or something! > I WILL marry you soon and when I die you.will.be.rich. Piece of advice: Never say "when I die you will be rich" on the Internet, which is made up of 50% sociopaths, 50% psychopaths, and 50% nutters who just like to kill even when there's no financial gain. Any of these people might see your sentence out of context -- especially if I quote it on a line by itself -- and then believe it to be addressing them. So, to be safe, you should say "When I die, everyone on the Internet will be charged a thousand dollars." At that moment, all the resources of sci.* will be devoted to keeping you alive forever! > I will plant a variety of eggplants and peppers and spend my days > making culinary delights just for you upon retirement. Oooh! Can you also cook White Castles? > Thank you and smooches. EWWW!!! GIRL GERMS, COMING AT ME OVER THE INTERNET!!! You're welcome. I can crank out more garbled little stories if you need more, but I may need to rest a few hours first unless you want them all to be about the curried peas I just ate. Mmm, peas. > There's a bonus if you can tell me how to turn on the > fargin' DVD player to watch my birthday present DVD from my son since > my husband is OUT OF TOWN and I can't figure out how to accomplish > this simple task with the FOUR remote controls! They often have an actual physical on/off switch on the front that the remote won't work. The remote does "soft on/off" -- i.e. it can only put the machine to sleep, because if the power went off completely, the machine couldn't watch for you to use the remote. But people like to be able to turn things off all the way to make all the little LED eyes stop staring at them, so usually there's a real on/off switch you have to press with an actual human finger. Try pressing the front-surface power button, then a few seconds later try the remotes -- you might need to take the DVD player on a magical journey from "off" to "asleep" to "standby" to "warming up" to "on" before you get to the "* NO DISC *" part. Both of my DVD players are like that. (Good Sony one for Region 1 discs, cheap Philips one for imports.) My TiVo doesn't have an on/off switch (after all, it's running active Linux processes 24 hours a day, it's a bad idea to abruptly cut the power to any sort of Linux or UNIX box) so in the rare instances where one of the processes crashes I have to reach behind it and pull the power cord out and then wait about ten minutes for the thing to go through fsck'ing hell to get back to where the remote can put it into and out of "standby" mode. I've had to do that to my TiVo twice this year when whatever process that watches the remote locked up. In the future, when more devices have hard-disk-like storage devices that they're writing to all day, every day, you'll see more gadgets designed to fight your attempts to turn them off at the drop of a hat. (Can you say "Wii"?) > I swear this is an intentional guy thing intended to remind us females > we still need them. Also, if there's a picture but no sound, please don't go out and buy a new TV unless you want to give me the old one when I come over and show you where the "mute" button was. And if you do that, don't demand that I make your new TV work exactly like the old one with your old universal remote if you lost the manual for that universal remote. The reason for this paragraph is that I already got one free TV set that way this week and I don't need another. -- K. Peas + butter + curry = yum. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 22:03:48 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] people like to be able to turn things off all the way to make > > all the little LED eyes stop staring at them > > This is why I make Vlad close the doors of the armoire in which the TV > and its various accessories reside. I don't want the aliens to be > able to watch me whilst I sleep. It's been a while since I've mentioned that my old S-VHS VCR can cast a shadow from across the room when its display is turned on (and that's just on "dim", it boils away human flesh if I switch it to "bright".) I eventually got so sick of having to turn it off when I wanted to go to sleep that I removed it from my normal video routing setup so that I could leave it turned off at all times unless I really need to do a tape-to-tape copy (which, I guess, I probably won't need to do too many more times now that S-VHS has become slightly obsolete.) The thing has the only backlit white display I've ever seen on a VCR, it's like a stadium floodlight. A big expanse of white fluorescent tube with a couple digits blocking 0.01% of the intense radiance. I've had flashlights that didn't put out half as much light as that VCR. One theory is that Sony decided this would be the first VCR for people with severe cataracts who wouldn't be able to find the TV screen unless there was a helicopter landing light burning its way through their cataracts. Another theory is that they wanted to be able to say "Never mind the PSP, even our ten-year-old S-VHS VCRs have brighter backlights than the Nintendo DS!" As far as your DVD player watching you: Remember that we Space Vikings don't just see out of every LED in the world. We also see out of your TV screen even when it's turned off, and the one people never guess, we can see through the mirror in your bathroom. "Hi, guy!" Chuck McCann is one of us, even though he's more of a Far Out Space Nut than a properly pedigreed Space Viking. -- K. Ever wonder why so many appliances have clocks in them? It's because in office, you vatch clock, but in Wiking space, clocks vatch you! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 17:39:37 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > For reasons I cannot care enough to tell you about I am desolate > this weekend. > Therefore I request stories for entertainment purposes. I don't care what > they're about so long as they're not maudlin nor mawkishly sentimental. YOGI BEAR CRAPS IN RADIO SHACK by James "Kibo" Parry Copyright (c) 2006 James "Kibo" Parry, as if anyone would want to steal the idea that Yogi Bear craps in Radio Shack (THIS MEANS YOU, HANNA AND BARBERA) And then the reader turned to the first page of the story only to discover it was completely blank because the author refused to write any story stupid enough to have the title "Yogi Bear Craps In Radio Shack". The reader stared at the glaring blank page while the author busied himself writing a business letter. Dear Yogi Bear, Today when I was in Radio Shack you were taking a big crap and when we saw you Mommy made us leave the store without even buying me the batteries I wanted for my pretend light saber which now is only a pretend pretend light saber because it doesn't have any batteries because you made the Radio Shack smell really bad. Have you ever been in the public library? Because it smells sort of like that except also like socks. I mean the kind of socks that go on your feet not the cat named Socks The Cat that the President used to have back when he was taller and smiled more often whether he meant it or not. Do you have any pets? I think that would be a good idea for your next cartoon, it would be about animals who have pets and the pets would also have pet animals and those pets would have really tiny pets and the pets would say "It's a living!" when they had to be put on a leash that was on the end of another leash because they were just pets of pets and not real pets. I wish my pretend light saber really worked but it's your fault. Next time can you please crap in Dress Barn instead because I don't like it when Mommy takes me there? They probably won't even mind because it's Dress Barn not Dress Store so all sorts of animals are allowed to crap in it but you might have to dress up as a cow if you don't want them to catch you. Sincerely, Kibo P.S. It's also okay because Dress Barn already smells. The reader sighed and gave up waiting for any words to appear on the blank page. They closed the book and went to sleep without ever reading anything about Yogi Bear crapping in Radio Shack. THE END. -- K. THIS WAS A TRUE STORY ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 17:54:04 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > For reasons I cannot care enough to tell you about I am desolate > this weekend. > Therefore I request stories for entertainment purposes. I don't care what > they're about so long as they're not maudlin nor mawkishly sentimental. HAPPY DAYS -- EPISODE #2496, "POTSIE'S FIRST DATE" by James "Kibo" Parry Copyright (c) 2006 by the creator of "Happy Days", James "Kibo" Parry "Ayyyyyyyyyyy!" said Fonzie, "Let me tell you again why 'The Canterbury Tales' is better than rap music!" But nobody in Arnold's was listening to Fonzie, because they had all gone on a cross-country river-rafting trip and were stuck somewhere in the middle of the desert because their oars didn't work well on sand. Fonzie was all alone in Arnold's, surrounded by dusty old pennants for nonexistent college teams. Dejectedly, Fonzie went over to the jukebox to cheer himself up by playing some madrigal music. But the jukebox was different! Last night, Arnold had removed the old Rock-Ola and replaced it with something with a big TV screen on the front that said "INTERNET JUKEBOX" above a huge McDonalds logo! Fonzie was perturbed by this intrusion of futuristic technology where he lived, in the 2496th week of the 1950s. But he really wanted to hear those madrigals, so he inserted a nickel into the Internet Jukebox. It automatically fired a Taser at his face for underpayment. "Whoa!" yelled Fonzie, "Tasering the Fonz's face ain't cool!" Then he died from the non-lethal Taser shock, because his body was already weakened from over two thousand simultaneous cases of mononucleosis, plus herpes. Days later, when the cross-country rafting expedition had ended, Potsie came to Arnold's and found Fonzie's corpse moldering on the floor. Potsie took Fonzie's leather jacket and put it on. "Ayyyyyyyyy!" said Potsie, because he was the new Fonzie. Then life went on. TO BE CONTINUED OVER THE NEXT FIVE THOUSAND EPISODES -- K. This is the sort of TV I see whenever I try to close my eyes. HELP ME ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 18:10:16 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > For reasons I cannot care enough to tell you about I am desolate > this weekend. > Therefore I request stories for entertainment purposes. I don't care what > they're about so long as they're not maudlin nor mawkishly sentimental. THE OSCAR MAYER "LUNCHABLES" COMMERCIAL THAT ALMOST WASN'T by James "Kibo" Parry written just for Terri, and anyone else who loves Lunchables(R) Copyright (c) 2006 James "Kibo" Parry "Mmm!" Little Billy was happy that when he opened his lunch at school, Mom had included a fluorescent yellow Lunchables box! His clever strategy had worked -- by simply screaming and crying for eight hours, Mom had agreed to buy him Lunchables to prove she loved him almost as much as the mother in the commercial! Little Billy peeled back the plastic, and was aghast to discover that not only was it the new Durian/Lutefisk Combo Lunchables, but that the seal had ruptured somehow and allowed the pocket of durian goo to mingle with the compartment of lutefisk whiz. And the tiny packet of chocolate jimmies (for the lutefisk) was actually a packet of chocolate herbies, and he was afraid to eat them because a guy named Herbie kept beating him up during gym class! Little Billy sobbed into his lutefisk. The corporate executives turned away from the TV screen they had just watched that commercial on. "What were you thinking?" screamed the CEO. "A commercial like that could ruin our company! We're supposed to be trying to make kids eat more lutefisk, not telling them the truth about how our product will magically cause bullies named Herbie to beat them up!" Everyone was fired. The new executive team hired a different ad agency to make a better commercial. It featured computer-animated super-robots wearing backwards baseball caps. They were enjoying the taste of Lunchables while playing backwards baseball. Sales skyrocketed, without encouraging Herbie to beat up anyone! Herbie was frustrated so he beat up the gym teacher, and everybody was happy. THE END. -- K. One theory is that the corporations of the world are gradually getting kids acclimated to this sort of food so that eventually they can just get mothers to feed the kids dog food, to bypass government regulations on the ingredients allowed in people food. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 18:27:51 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > For reasons I cannot care enough to tell you about I am desolate > this weekend. > Therefore I request stories for entertainment purposes. I don't care what > they're about so long as they're not maudlin nor mawkishly sentimental. THE UNSTOPPABLE SUPER PORN! by James "Kibo" Parry (writing under the name ANDY ROONEY) Copyright (c) 2006 James "Kibo" Parry Ned the Nervous Ninja pulled on his black latex ninja outfit and prepared to slide down the playground slide into the ball pit filled with a mixture of balls and hookers. But suddenly, the hookers disappeared, and Ned's latex ninja suit disappeared, leaving him named in the middle of Chuck E. Cheese. "Waah!" cried Ned, "Pornography was suddenly outlawed, mid-daydream!" Apparently one of the hemispheres of his brain had seized control of the other to put a stop to his dirty thoughts. And a guy dressed as a giant rat was pointing at him and laughing! Ned should have known better than to have his dirty daydreams while he was supposed to be working at Chuck E. Cheese as the Naked Ball Pit Inspector! He finished counting the balls to ensure that the red, yellow, and blue ones were evenly mixed, then climbed out of the ball pit and put his apron back on to help the rat knead the dough. THE END. -- K. Wait, what made that "unstoppable"? I want my money back. REASON FOR REFUND: PORN STOPPED ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 18:36:00 -0400 .K -- Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > For reasons I cannot care enough to tell you about I am desolate > this weekend. > Therefore I request stories for entertainment purposes. I don't care what > they're about so long as they're not maudlin nor mawkishly sentimental. So do news stories count as stories, or do they have to be the kind of stories that aren't contaminated by news? I just saw one that was in between: [www.guardian.co.uk headline] -> -> An explosion of delight -> -> Mobile clubbing is more than a fad: it delivers a joyous -> mirror image of a terrorist attack "Here in Bizarro World, me am unjoying this joyous mirror image of a terrorist attack!" grunted Bizarro Number One as he looked in his mirror, which was made of burning wax paper. Forcing people into mobile clubs at gunpoint was a great idea! The only problem was that people kept escaping from the mobile clubs, usually walking straight through their imaginary boundaries. Bizarro was sad, so he smiled. Then everyone's lives were lengthened when they were blown to bits by an explosion of delight. THE START. Copyright (c) 2006 Everybody But James "Kibo" Parry all rights reversed !BIZARRO ABOUT STORY A IS THIS :stneser ylduorp obiK ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 18:57:23 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > For reasons I cannot care enough to tell you about I am desolate > this weekend. > Therefore I request stories for entertainment purposes. I don't care what > they're about so long as they're not maudlin nor mawkishly sentimental. All right, all right, I'll do one more, geez, stop being quoted so many times! THE TRUEST STORY EVER TOLD: WHY THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION HAPPENED ON THE MOON by James "Kibo" Parry and it must be true because it's copyright (c) 2006 James "Kibo" Parry Now it can be told! Because words have been invented for it! Words like! "frabblety frootizurp"! So as of today we know the true story! The story why Kennedy died on the Moon! And his name was! Ted! Teddy Kennedy had been drinking, and he didn't want anyone to catch him because the Kennedy family was keeping it a big secret that Teddy would get drunk once or twice a year, so he snuck onto the dark side of the Moon, which never gets any sunlight because it faces away from the Earth because the Earth and the Sun are the same sort of thing. But he was killed when the Apollo 27 capsule accidentally landed on him. It was like that scene in "The Wizard Of Oz" except all science-fictiony and much less stupid than "Zardoz". This is in contrast to his brother JFK -- whose birth certificate misspelled his first name as "John" instead of "Jfk" -- who was killed during the filming of the pilot of NBC's reality TV show, "Can You Survive A Motorcade Trip Through Dealey Plaza?" The first episode, written and produced by Abraham Zapruder, got great ratings as it ran non-stop on every TV network for several weeks, but oddly no stations carried the second episode, which featured Big Bird riding a wacky tricycle through Dealey Plaza while Elmo fired a sniper rifle. Of course some would have you believe it was Kermit who fired those shots but it was impossible for him to have done so because the little sticks holding up his hands could not support the weight of a loaded Mannlicher-Carcano. This is why in the most famous photo of Kermit he is holding up a newspaper and an unloaded Mannlicher-Carcano. The Government has also claimed that another Kennedy, referred to as "RFK", was also shot, but this is obviously a fabrication because it is unlikely two people could be born with two of the same initials in common, let alone all of their initials being consonants. After Apollo 27, subsequent Moon landings were faked by Len Cella using a combination of a video camera and most of a piece of string. When asked to comment, he had this to say: "Frabblety footizurp!" And NOW you know the REST of the STORY so you can stop trying to READ anything else you might see ANYWHERE. THE END, Q.E.D., CHECKMATE, WRITING THIS MADE ME SMARTER THAN YOU!!!!!! -- K. Why my recent interest in trying to make up stupider and stupider Kennedy conspiracy theories? It's because of someone's answering machine greeting which _requires_ me to make up new ones if I ever want to get called back. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 17:00:35 -0400 "sara" (saralarrsen@gmail.com) wrote: > > THE GUY part 2 > > The guy was so relieved that he reached to honk his > horn in fetid joy but forgot he had hooked Terri's DVD player > to his dashboard. He was so busy trying to avoid mashing the > mawk button he tooted his rebar by accident which proceeded > to not only give him a good whipping but also resent the whole > stinking post. I saw that you'd sent the first chapter twice but was being too polite to point it out, because I am an unfailingly polite person. Also, I never lie. (Somewhere, dozens of androids' heads explode.) A whipping with rebar, now that's an interesting image. I need to find a place where I can do that. > Sara > Unfortunately he did not have his lucky Popeil's Pocket Post > Fisherman to retrieve the unfortunate reposte I've always wondered what Ron Popeil's reasoning was when he created the Pocket Fisherman. "I never know when an opportunity to go fishing might arise! I might be wandering around aimlessly and accidentally discover a new ocean, therefore, I better have a fishing kit in my pocket or I'll starve to death!" Either that or he just wanted to have an answer to "Is that a rod in your pocket, or are you just carrying around a lousy Pocket Fisherman?" I hypothesize that in Ron Popeil's worldview, carrying around a Pocket Fisherman was the equivalent of owning a GameBoy. Except that instead of providing actual fun when he was on a city bus, it only promised potential fun if a fishing hole ever sprang into existence before him and if fishing could be fun, which it isn't. Fishing is like golf without the golf part. -- K. So did anyone else here ever have the K-Tel brand pantograph? I forget what stupid name the thing had. It was too flimsy and light to be able to draw anything anyway. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 16:24:14 -0400 "sara" (saralarrsen@gmail.com) wrote: > > Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > > > [...] I request stories for entertainment purposes. > > The guy was driving his car when suddenly it hit him, that > "Ah, no! I'm going to crap myself right this minute" nightmare. > Beads of sweat trickeled into his unibrow. He squeezed > his butt cheeks so tightly that some of the leatherette seating > got sucked up as well. > > And then he realized it was Sunday dammit Sunday! He was just > driving through random neighborhoods looking for slacks and killed > monkeys. He grinned and relaxed. > > The leatherette had almost finished sighing before it gasped. Monkeys, poop, a car chase -- this story has all the elements needed to make it into the most profitable Major Motion Picture of all time, except for real leather. If you can cram some leather into your story (black leather, not the wimpy brown stuff) I can submit it to some respected Hollywood directors. (I think I still have Uwe Boll's address around here, but don't worry, I won't let him have your wonderful story. Also he's not respected and not in Hollywood and the story was a true story about him.) -- K. Which neighborhoods have the most dead monkeys? I only know about the ones you find in the trash cans behind the Blue Man Group theater. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storytime! Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 21:49:45 -0400 "sara" (saralarrsen@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Which neighborhoods have the most dead monkeys? > > I only know about the ones you find in the trash cans > > behind the Blue Man Group theater. > > Oh, that's easy: Dr. Christiian Barnard's neighborhood. I meant _whole_ dead monkeys, not ones with the hearts removed. In order to get enough replacement monkey hearts, I'd have to buy a whole bunch of those frozen breaded "veal" elliptipucks. Speaking of yummy meat, today at the supermarket they had a special on boneless thin-cut pork chops, and I had a can of spinach waiting for me to eat it, so I poured a bunch of hot sauce and curry powder over the pork chops and spinach, added a little olive oil, some dried onion flakes and dried green pepper bits, then did the slow-cook thing for a couple hours to get a nice curried-pork-and-spinach stew. I'm going to have some spicy pork broth left over, which I'm thinking I'll use in something like a barley pilaf tomorrow. Anyway, because I just had dinner, right now I'm full of meat. MEAT, MEAT, MEAT, MEAT! Occasionally I forget how wonderful making your own pork broth can be, so I'm really looking forward to working with the leftover broth, even though I already ate all the meat chunks. I wonder what Christiaan Barnard had for dinner today? Oh, wait, turns out he's dead. So then who keeps leaving behind all these monkeys with holes in the middle? -- K. And really, does anyone admit to liking Blue Man Group? They're basically like if Carrot Top tried to do butoh, and I know nobody likes either of those two, so is it even possible for anyone to like Blue Man Group? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eddie-Dog Weirdness And A Dissertation On Chairs Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 21:03:39 -0400 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > [...] > > Lots42 says less dick-headed stuff than other dickheads. I'm confused. Is that good, or bad? This is turning into one of those Encounter Games brand educational therapy games that are even less fun than "WFF 'n' Proof". Like, I think we're going to have to draw up some sort of commutation diagram to divide people into categories such as "people who are not dickheads but say more dickheaded stuff than people who are dickheads but say less dickheaded stuff than Brand X dickheads." My motto is "To thine own self be true," which means dickheads _should_ say dickheaded stuff! No, wait, that's not my motto. Umm, did John Cleese ever say anything clever with the word "dickhead" in it? If so, that'll be my motto. Also, hyphenation should be consistent. Too bad it isn't. Whoever made up the hyphenation rules for English was a dickhead and hyphenation should be abolished to promote happy squishy peace among different parts of speech. > [...] > > I'm just sayin...shit on _me_ first, Lots42 second. I can take it. > I have no disabilities that I can't defend if I choose to. > Go on. Dish it out. Everyone who wants to take a dump on Lots > do this: > Start a thread entitled: Terri is a fucking cunt because: > then list the reasons. > *I* can take it and don't really care nor give a flying fuck. I'm going to score that as 10 points. It would have been only 5, but you used all the swear words that were showing on the three Swear Dice. Too bad we lost the rule sheet because now I don't remember whether I have to flip over the egg timer before or after I draw a new Rorschach card and tape it to my forehead. Why do these games have so many rules if everybody always wins? It's too bad they never ratified that Constitutional amendment in the '70s to force everyone in the United States to play Encounter Games brand therapy games in between Esperanto lessons and buying the world a Coke. I never even got to play some of the most notorious Encounter Games, like "Blacks And Whites", which I assume was something about a bunch of honkies sitting around the card table yelling "NEEGER!!!" at each other. All I had was "WFF 'n' Proof" and it only taught _abstract_ symbolic logic, not how to survive in a racist society where the cops use dice to determine who's in which ethnic group. > [...] > > Lots can choose to participate or not but I'll defend him TO THE DEATH > on account of he has a heart, is kind, and generally a benign person. My Dopey Astrology Star Sign is "Cancer". So can I be benign too, or do we need to do an astrological biopsy first? Astrological biopsies hurt!!! Owwwwww my silver cord... -- K. I FEEL THE WUV! And without even having to choke down one of those horrible little Necco hearts! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eddie-Dog Weirdness And A Dissertation On Chairs Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2006 23:50:27 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Hell, you don't even have to give up being petulant and self-absorbed. > You just have to not do it in the public forum where you don't want to > picked on for being petulant and self-absorbed. I know it's worked > for me! That's a good strategy, but I prefer to brag about how self-absorbed I am. Then nobody will mock me for fear of being thrown into The Obvious Bag. It's like how if someone runs up to you and says, "Hey, you're taller than me!" you can just stare at them because no snappy comeback is needed to make it clear how dumb they'd have to be to have pointed out something so self-evident. Also, anyone who'd feel we needed to hear them say something that obvious is almost as self-absorbed as me, just not as smart. Of course, everything I just said would be obvious to anyone as smart as me, but that's okay because Einstein and Hero Of Alexandria are both too dead to read my stupid articles. YAY I WIN THE GENIUS TONTINE! -- K. Hey, it's filled with mismatched socks and boiling mercury! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eddie-Dog Weirdness And A Dissertation On Chairs Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2006 18:20:25 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > [...] > > Wait, don't tell me, the magical fairies who fill the coffeepot and > change the paper towels in your mansion keep your hands from ever getting > dirty outside the bathroom. There's no need to get snippy just because the rest of us live in a fancy mansion while you still live in that place that used to be a Fotomat. In fact, most of us live in the same mansion. A.r.k lives in a big mansion in zany sitcom land where our wacky neighbors include sci.physics, Lenny & Squiggy, rec.org.mensa, and Potsie. Of course, this occasionally leads to hilarious mix-ups when the real Potsie meets one of the many virtual Potsies living in sci.physics. > [...] You must have a lot nicer paper towels in your office than > I ever have, if leaving the roll damp doesn't result in a musty, > loamy smell that later rubs off onto everybody's freshly dried hands. Oh, those brown ones that are made from a mixture of compressed peat and used sawdust from the circus floor? Those are plenty gross and every time you wash your hands I bet you feel like you're eating at Wendy's. You should consider just grabbing a ream of copier paper from the office supply closet and using that. Also, when you do that, yell, "I AM GRABBING A REAM!" while making a lewd face and people will stop following you into the bathroom. Or start, depending on the office. Of course, if you work at a paper company, everything's different, and you should just let Steve Carrell talk to the camera for half an hour and then you can go to the bathroom during "My Name Is Earl". Life is good here in sitcom-land! I'm glad we chose to live here and not game-show-land. Over there all the groceries are expensive and worse, sometimes when you try to buy something you just get a zonk. Also, every time any sort of wheel goes around there's a chance of you randomly going bankrupt, if you haven't already been mugged by roving packs of Whammies. -- K. Can we move to "24"-land so I can save the world 24 times a day and get a magic cell phone? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Coming of Age Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 22:15:20 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol01@notthisverizon.net) wrote: > > > > No, the nostril hair didn't sprout out until I was about fitty. No ear > > hair yet. > > Lucky you! > > I could hit a tee shot offa what's growin' out of Vlad's ears. > Luckily, I've talked him into having his ears and nostrils waxed (yes, > waxed) at a local salon. It's a hoot! For the nose, they load up a > couple of popsicle sticks with goopy warm wax and shove them up his > nostrils, wait a few minutes, then rip 'em out!! I'm not sure of the > ear process, but I'm tellin you they are as clean as a baby's when > they're done! I'd think that as a loving wife you could perform this service for him yourself. And forget the wax. Tweezers work fine. Nose hairs pull right out if you apply a mere twenty to fifty pounds of yank, and if he asks whether this is an accepted procedure, point out that all his favorite TV and movie stars do it every time they need to do a scene where they're crying. Even Greg Brady said the nice production assistants ripped out some of his nose hairs when they had to film the teary goodbye to Tiger (in the famous episode where the dog that played Tiger had gotten run over so they replaced him with an untrained stand-in whose collar had to be nailed to the floor in order to keep him on the set long enough for the kids to say their weepy goodbye.) I really don't get guys who shave their chests, etc. Doesn't it take about six hours a day to shave your whole body if you're hairy all over like us real men? And who the hell could be turned on by a chest with stubble on it? That would be like sandpaper with nipples. I just like to get rid of the ear hairs because I hate hearing a super-loud rustling sound when I stick my fingers in my ears every time that commercial comes on. You know the one I mean. -- K. CURSE YOU AMEX!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: nose hairs (was: Coming of Age) Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2006 23:13:20 -0400 [Glenn has nose hair] Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] And forget the wax. Tweezers work fine. Nose hairs > > pull right out if you apply a mere twenty to fifty pounds of yank, > > and if he asks whether this is an accepted procedure, point out that > > all his favorite TV and movie stars do it every time they need to > > do a scene where they're crying. > > Sneezing productively is more like it. And make sure you have the > tissues with the lotion handy, because the uncoated ones will melt away > from the force of the sneeze like nylon threads in a Bic lighter flame. Plucking your nose hair makes you sneeze? Odd. Are you also one of those people with the "photic sneeze reflex" where staring at the Sun makes you sneeze right after you go blind? Apparently that's pretty common, but it doesn't work for me. Or for most of the other people I shine a floodlight on from my black helicopter. So what happens if you pluck your ear hair? Does ear wax come shooting out towards any nearby birthday cake? -- K. If not, where _does_ it go? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: nose hairs (was: Coming of Age) Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2006 05:06:51 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > [...] > > My little sister actually had to take a class in "cerumen management." Why can't you just speak plain English and say she works at Comcast? -- K. I have a choice between Comcast and another cable company, but I think the other one is run by a glob of "eye hockey". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Attn Paula, Terri, Dave DeLaney, Kibo, etc Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 22:40:12 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > A guy came over today to deliver my new exercise bike. [...] What happened to your _old_ exercise bike? Did some guy steal it by riding off on it? If so, it probably wasn't a very good exercise bike. I think you should annoy the neighbors by getting a Harley-Davidson exercise bike. It would have loud pipes to save lives, and because you don't need a license to ride a stationary bike, the cops couldn't take away anyone's license if they drank a beer while they sat on it gunning the engine for six hours while watching soap operas. In no time at all, you'd be in as good shape as any other Harley dude! They used to sell little generators for exercise bikes that would power your TV only if you pedaled, as a form of motivation or possibly punishment. I think a BitTorrent client would be better. Each revolution of the wheel would transfer another megabyte, so the more exercise you did, the faster your Japanese snuff porn would download. And the moment you stopped pedalling, all the people leeching off you would flood the Internet with "PLZ S33D CUZ (your name here) ST0PP3D X3RC1S1NG!" -- K. How come they make exercise bikes but I can't buy an exercise subway? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.math,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kant Categorical Imperative applied to future Internet developments Re: website certificate annoyance from secure.img-cdn.mediaplex.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 23:42:15 -0400 In news.admin.net-abuse.misc, sci.math, and sci.physics, "a_plutonium" (a_plutonium@dtgnet.com) wrote: > > [...] > > So these two tenets should be required: > > (1) do not allow software that diverts and interrupts and disrupts the > *time of the user*. Software should not be attacking users and taking of > their time I agree with you, only human beings should get to waste other people's time. Time-wasting is not for computers -- humans should get to waste all the time in the world. Or, in simpler terms, DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY > (2) make third (or more) parties illegal I don't think you'll have to worry. There's not even much chance of you being invited to two parties during your lifetime. > Archimedes Plutonium > www.iw.net/~a_plutonium > whole entire Universe is just one big atom > where dots of the electron-dot-cloud are galaxies You know, I've been waiting thirteen years for you to explain what the protons and neutrons are. It's not like it should be hard for you to figure out, because protons and neutrons are a lot bigger than "dots", and the objects they represent must be bigger than galaxies you should be able to look out the window and see whatever they are. Please tell us what giant imaginary things you see out your window. -- K. If your answer is "a head", then you're looking in the mirror. Remember, you're looking for huge round things that _aren't_ attached to you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Lurv the Intry Net Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 15:41:49 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Last night, I was eating dinner--yummy yummy filet of fresh-caught > bluefish, sauteed in olive oil and butter with garlic, lemon juice, > and dijon mustard, with a side of rice and some pan-fried banana. Sounds great, though I would've also added some capers. And shallots, if they were available (they're a pain to find around here.) > About two bites before the end of the meal, I swallowed the one and > only tiny fish bone left in the whole entire filet. It got caught in > my throat--way down in my throat. It did not obstruct my breathing, > but it hurt when I swallowed--not in a horribly hideously, > want-to-tear-my-throat-out-if-that's-what-it-takes-to-get-the-bone-out > way but in a very uncomfortable three-part pain that made me want to > never swallow again. Three-part pain? Hmm. I wonder what's the world record for the most parts a pain has ever had... and whether it's held by the Capsela company. > I wasn't sure whether the bone was stuck there or had just scratched > the hell out of my throat on the way down. I tried eating the rest of > the banana, drinking a bunch of water, and downing a shot of applejack > (in case I just needed to numb the throat). Still hurt to swallow > (that three-part pain was very peculiar-feeling, aside from hurty). > After ten minutes or so, I decided to distract myself by reading ARK > and looking up stuck fish bone remedies online. www.helpihaveafishboneinmythroat.com or you could look in Wikipedia, which would give you a list of "Star Trek" and "Pokemon" episodes that mentioned fish bones. > Huzzah! Various helpful Web sites told me to eat more banana, but to > swallow a hunk of banana whole instead of chewing it up first. You're right, the Internet is mostly porn. You're lucky you had bananas around instead of kielbasa or firehoses. > "It will not catch on the fish bone" one site promised. And since > EVERYTHING ON THE INTRY WEB IS TRUE, I decided to try it. I had > finished the dinner banana but still had several uneaten bananas. > > By gorry, it worked on the first try. Pain-on-swallowing went away, > and I didn't have to drive 40 miles to the emergency room and sit > there for hours, it being Saturday night, the most popular night of > the week for the ER (or is that Friday?) OR (the alternative I > probably would have chosen) sit home in pain and wonder whether I > should be driving to the ER. > > THANK YOU IMAGINARY PEOPLE ON THE INTRY WEB! You're welcome. Now I can shut down www.helpihaveafishboneinmythroat.com. The whole reason I set it up in the first place was that it was a spyware delivery site. Now everyone who's ever had a fish bone in their throat has spyware installed on their computer, and the only way to get it out is to cram a banana into the floppy drive. > Throat is a little sore this morning, but coffee still tastes good. Coffee... tastes... good? Uh oh, you're delirious. [then later] barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > It wasn't that scary. If I couldn't breathe, that would have been > scary. www.helpicantbreathe.com. You'll need some plastic wrap, a pair of pantyhose with a knot tied in them, several shower curtain hooks, a motel room with a really strong bar in the closet, and that guy who was in "Dr. Cyclops". Turns out that the Internet may be full of perverts, but at least they love giving people advice about everything. Don't you hate it when you're reading a story about group sex and it turns into a discussion of how to improve your golf swing? And then there's that one where, halfway through, it just starts describing the layout of the buttons on the TIE Fighter's control panel. Anyway, I'm glad you're okay. Did you at least peel the banana first? -- K. This is why I like fried scallops. No bones. Just sand, and gravel, and various sizes of boulders. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You Guys Are Not Posting Fast Enough! Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 16:03:48 -0400 Darkla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > Since I am a non-worker bee, I dislike weekends in general because > only weird TV is on, and because posting levels drop dramatically as > worker bees use the time to interact with one another and to do > "chores." > > I check ARK roughly every ten minutes, and you people are only giving > up 4 to 6 posts at a time. C'mon--- can't you step up production a > LITTLE? If this keeps up I am going to have to go back to doing > laundry. Sheesh. Yesterday I posted about five stories -- each TWENTY PAGES LONG -- that I improvised at the drop of a hat for Terri. And now you're telling me I wasn't posting fast enough? All right, here are five stories written within five minutes, just for you: SPOT AND THE EXPLODING RAVIOLI Spot stuck his fork into a raviolus and it popped. An alien face-hugger sprang out and wrapped itself around his head like spaghetti around a fork! "I should have had spaghetti instead," said Spot, as the ravioli monster ate his brain. * ding * SPOT RIDES A STEAMROLLER Spot failed to see the sign saying "WARNING: DUE TO ROAD CONSTRUCTION, REVERSED GRAVITY AHEAD" and didn't think anything was wrong until his steamroller was on top of him. Serves him right for trying to do his own road construction project where other people were already doing a legitimate one. The highway from his front door to Candyland was never finished. * ding * EINSTEIN'S FIRST HAIRCUT "Waah!" screamed Einstein. "Waah, waah, waah!" But the barber kept snipping away. "Waah! This proves haircuts _do_ hurt! Waah, waah, waah, waah!" But fortunately, as Einstein heard his own rhythmic crying, this gave him an idea for a brilliant new Quantum Resonance Theory which would someday revolutionize everything -- but then the barber gave him a lollipop and he stopped crying so now we don't have wristwatches with real time machines in them. * ding * CAPTAIN SLOPPY MEETS BUMPY THE DISEASED BEAVER The doorbell said "Ding-dong!" and Captain Sloppy cartwheeled over to it, to better entertain the kids watching his show in case they might get bored and switch channels during the one and a half seconds it would have taken to walk across the tiny set. He pulled open the door and there stood Bumpy The Diseased Beaver. He was dead! That meant it was time for a cartoon. * ding * SPOT'S EXTREME JET LAG Due to a booking error which consisted of Spot choosing Northwest Airlines, the 747 Spot was on flew from point A to point B by going around the world eight times non-stop. Because this meant Spot crossed the International Date Line eight times in the same direction, this meant he was now more than a week behind everyone else! This made conversation difficult. It annoyed everyone. Someone punched him, and eight days later he said "Ow!" So to fix it he had to go around the International Date Line eight more times, but because he was eight days late getting there, they had closed it for the summer. * BONG * I win!!!! > Make it snappy--- I have to go to dinner tonight at the home of an > environmental and women's studies professor and her toddler child, and > the chair of the philosophy department and his lovely and shy teenage > daughter will be there as well. > > WHO HAS PEOPLE OVER FOR DINNER ON A SUNDAY NIGHT?? Marge Simpson. Except for those couple of early seasons when they moved her to Thursday night to finally kill the damn Cosby show. But for the last twelve or so years she's been stuck living her life on Sundays, which I guess is why she keeps going to church every half hour. > Sunday night is for footy pajamas, Jiffy-Pop, and Ed Sullivan. If you're into that sort of thing, but I personally find necrophilia gross. And not the good kind of gross. It's almost as gross as what you get if you try making Jiffy-Pop on an electric stove. -- K. As far as footy pajamas go, remember to start every adventure by looking for your cape. You really should keep the cape in a special place, 'cause life's rough when you lose your stuff. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You Guys Are Not Posting Fast Enough! Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 22:29:56 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Sheesh. Yesterday I posted about five stories -- each TWENTY PAGES > > LONG -- that I improvised at the drop of a hat for Terri. > > Well of course I didn't read those... THEY WERE FOR TERRI!! > > Thanks for mine, though--- that was a huge help. Uh oh. I forgot to tell Terri not to read yours. So now she's gotten twice the recommended daily dose of entertainment. Watch out, that has the same effect as drinking two bottles of hot sauce. RUN! Before she explodes from an overdose of the wonderment that is Kibo! We need to find a way to keep people from absorbing too much Kibo, for their own good. We must place strict restrictions on other people's personal freedom to protect them all from me. I say this as an altruist. Don't come near me, I'm dangerously altruistic! -- K. And yet I never rewind any DVDs before I return them to NetFlix. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You Guys Are Not Posting Fast Enough! Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 16:32:21 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@Gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Sunday night is for footy pajamas, Jiffy-Pop, and Ed Sullivan. > > My braaane! > > I did NOT want the mental image of Ed Sullivan wearing footy pajamas > that have been stuffed with freshly made, buttered popcorn. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, here is my impression of Ed Sullivan wearing feety pajamas stuffed with movie-theater-butter-flavored popcorn: DUHHHHHHHHH LOOKIT ME I'M ED SUWWIVAN!!! DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I got nothin'. I'm only posting because Darla told us to. Also I like the sound of my own voice: DUHHHHHHHHHHHH LOOKIT ME THIS IS MY OWN VOICE!!! DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! -- K. If you ask nicely, I can also do impressions of Howard Cosell, Gene Shalit, and Jimmie "J.J." Walker. When I was a kid, Truman Capote was on TV all the time (he was a frequent panelist on "Liar's Club") but today's celebrities just aren't worth doing really easy impressions of. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You Guys Are Not Posting Fast Enough! Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 16:36:31 -0400 I just wrote: > > DUHHHHHHHHHHHH LOOKIT ME THIS IS MY OWN VOICE!!! DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Hey, I don't sound like that! I think there's something wrong with this tape recorder! Mommy, make the tape recorder stop lying! -- K. So how many seconds elapsed between Edison inventing the wax-cylinder sound-recording machine and him trying to fart into it? It's stunning to realize that all his hundreds of inventions were merely part of his lifelong obsession to improve on the rubber whoopee cushion. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You Guys Are Not Posting Fast Enough! Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 16:18:07 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@Gmail.com) wrote: > > > > I check ARK roughly every ten minutes, and you people > > are only giving up 4 to 6 posts at a time. C'mon--- can't you > > step up production a LITTLE? If this keeps up I am going to > > have to go back to doing laundry. > > Hey, we WERE picking on Lots42, and beating a dead cow to death (not > that we had to wander far for that), resulting in HUNDREDS, if not > DOZENS of posts. Wait, you guys killed Lots42? Oh no! At what flea market will the funeral be held? I'll go, since they might have bootleg DVDs there. I still haven't found a good price on Sabu's latest movie. ("Dead Run". I bet it has people running in it.*) > You want we shoulf fax MORE of that stuff to this BBS chat room after all? That depends. Does "we" include G----e H-----d? > And what's this laundry stuff? Weekends are for launching pumpkins > with trebuchets, turning shy, teenage daughters to the dark side > (marshmallow paste not included) and teaching dogs to "fetch" Social > Security checks. I didn't think dogs lived that long, and even if you did get your dog to turn 65, wouldn't he be kind of tired? > Besides, I was told that the intraveineousnet doesn't work on Sunday. > I still have plastic bags over my modems and telephones from last time > they blew the dead bits out of the phone lines. "Norton Disk Doctor has detected necrotic sectors on your hard drive..." -- K. Oh no! Your computer caught a flesh-eating computer virus! * See, this is a reference just for the two English-speaking people who have as many Sabu movies as I do (which would be all his movies except for "Dead Run".) His trademark is that he likes lots of shots of people running. If you don't believe me, see "Dangan Runner", which is like if Benny Hill made a violent crime-spree movie. I considered being the guy from "Unlucky Monkey" for Halloween (do you know how hard it is to find a white ski mask with red trim?) but decided to just be an ordinary everyday ninja instead because I only have enough lung capacity for quiet sneaking, not running for hundreds of blocks. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Pink news... Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 23:40:16 -0400 [news.bbc.co.uk, linked from Fark.com] -> -> In the pink -- will it improve the city? -> -> By Amarnath Tewary Aurangabad, Bihar -> -> Think pink in India, and you instantly recall the northern -> city of Jaipur which is dubbed the Pink City after its -> terracotta-colour dwellings. -> -> Now a crime-infested town in the badlands of Bihar, one of -> the country's most backward and poorest states, is painting -> itself pink to uplift, according to authorities, its -> sagging morale and spirit. That's what they get for giving Joe Arpaio the key to the city. If it wasn't Joe Arpaio, then maybe it was the University Of Iowa's football coach. -> Aurangabad (population: 2 million) is one of the most -> crime-infested towns of Bihar and a hotbed of Maoist rebel -> activity -- nearly 90 people died in two major attacks -> involving the rebels in 1987 and 2000 alone. -> -> The authorities feel pink is the way to go for Aurangabad -> residents to feel proud of their town again. -> -> Travel into the city today and you find the facades of most -> of the private and government buildings painted a gaudy pink. Did they do it like in that one Pink Panther cartoon where the little guy is trying to paint the walls blue but the Pink Panther sets up a lawn sprinkler filled with pink paint? That's one of the better ones, but not as good as the one that's all about the Panther taking lots of LSD. -> "About 80% of the buildings have been painted pink in the -> town and the rest would be completed by next week," the -> town's sub-division officer Arvind Kumar Singh said. -> -> 'Pink fosters harmony' -> -> Mr Singh says he thought of painting Aurangabad pink after -> a visit to Jaipur. -> -> "What better colour than pink which symbolises good mood, -> soothing sight and good feelings. Pink also fosters -> communal amity and harmony," he says. Um, no. Actual research studies have been done on the effects of brightly-colored environments -- this is why hospitals and school cafeterias tend to be painted that horrible mint green. Being in a room with bright pink walls (not unlike being in the Barbie aisle of Toys R Us) has been found to make people very agitated and aggressive. There are plenty of quackish books about the effects of color on human emotions (written by people with self-awarded degrees in Colorology) but actual scientific research has never said that pink is inherently good. Some studies have said color doesn't do anything, and some have said pink turns people violent. To wit: Pellegrini, R.J., Schauss, A.G., Miller, M.E. (1981). Room Color and Aggression in a Criminal Detention Holding Cell: A Test of the "Tranquilizing Pink" Hypothesis. Journal of Othomolecular Psychiatry, 10, 174-181. Sorry, I can't find an online copy of the article, as J. Ortho. Psych. has only a partial online archive. Basically, the article says that if you put prisoners in pink cells they're more likely to start hitting each other. And if you don't believe me, go stand in that Barbie aisle, and within thirty seconds some kid will punch you in the nuts. That's if you have any, though if you did you'd probably not be anywhere near that aisle to start with. -> Accordingly, the government buildings were all painted -> pink, and now private dwellings seem to be following suit -> without much resistance. Four of the six hotels in the town -> already sport the colour. -> -> "Initially I met with some resistance. Now even a former -> member of parliament from the town has painted his palatial -> home pink," says Mr Singh. -> -> The authorities even put pressure on residents to paint -> their buildings pink using a 1992 municipal law. -> -> Now they are so obsessed with the colour that even official -> leaflets are being printed in pink. -> -> "Pink Aurangabad, clean Aurangabad, green Aurangabad and -> disciplined Aurangabad," exhorts one of the pink leaflets. Now that the government has standardized on all documents being printed on the Cosmic Pink Astrobright paper, they need to settle on one font for all printed matter. They'll probably go with something like Cooper Black (well, actually, Cooper Pink) or maybe a nice Biffo Script. (I am using the term "nice" in the insulting manner, as in "Hey, you're nicely obnoxious.") -> It is still not exactly clear how painting homes and -> offices pink can bring down spiralling crime and unrest in -> a place where caste violence is rife and only 30% of the -> people can read and write. But at least now the illiterate population has pretty pink pamphlets to eat. -> [...] -> -> Government school buildings funded under a federal mass -> education scheme have to be painted pink, according to a -> local notification. -> -> Aurangabad authorities want to best that directive. -> -> "We will get the name of the town in record books as the -> real pink city of India," says Mr Singh. J. R. "Bob" Dobbs would have something to say about that. And now, here are highlights of some of my previous articles on the subject of rooms painted bright pink: //// RE-RUNS BEGIN ////////////////////////////////////////////////////// [from an article I posted on March 8, 2004:] [from The New York Times -- in the "Arts" section, believe it or not -- http://www.nytimes.com/2004/03/06/arts/06PAIN.html] -> -> He Harms/She Harms: A Distinction With Real Difference -> -> By DINITIA SMITH -> -> New York Times -> -> When David Williams, a psychologist at the University of -> Westminster in London, was deciding how to construct a pain -> machine, he realized a kitchen scale would do the trick. He -> attached a guillotinelike device to it, though he hastens to -> point out that the edge was "really blunt, not as sharp as a -> razor." It was designed to hit at the fingernail's half moon, -> where one can inflict pain without doing serious bodily harm. The "hurt/harm" distinction is as important to mad scientists as the "use/mention" distinction is to the writers of style manuals. Also, they both get really strict with people. [...] -> And, yes, decor matters. In another experiment he found, not -> surprisingly, that graphic pictures of wounds hanging on the -> walls made people call it quits earlier. Some of the more sensible ones quit even before he yelled, "WELCOME TO DR. SADIST'S HOUSE OF REALLY FUCKING OBVIOUS RESEARCH!!! LET'S FIND OUT IF IT MAKES YOU UNHAPPY WHEN I SHOW YOU PICTURES OF SUCKING CHEST WOUNDS WHILE I CRUSH YOUR FINGERS FOR SCIENCE!!!" -> Therefore redecorating hospitals to make them less threatening -> to patients makes sense, Mr. Williams said. Where is this hospital with "graphic pictures of wounds hanging on the walls"? I'd rather go there than look at another damn Anne Geddes photo. Those things are SICK! -> The smell of pine disinfectant is pervasive, and machinery and -> medical instruments are in full view. So just blindfold the patients and plug up their noses! -> "Only an operating room needs to be that clinical," he said. -> "The smell, the look, the whole appearance, everything which -> says, 'This is a hospital, and you have no control. You are here -> to suffer' -- all are changeable." In the building where I am employed, they recently painted one of the suites across the hall from my office. Apparently some doctors just moved in. Each room of that suite was painted a different bright, solid, threatening color. One is brilliant, overwhelming lime green. One is nuclear yellow. One is an evil blood red. And one is deadly fluorescent Barbie pink, the sort that makes you pass out and throw up at the same time when you're completely immersed in it. I have a hunch that whatever doctor or doctors were setting up those offices last week would have decorated them a little differently if they had done it two weeks later so they could read this New York Times article. They would have hung some graphic pictures of wounds, and put up a sign saying "You are here to suffer." in the glowing pink Klaus Barbie room. [Another article, March 8, 2004:] Incidentally, the suite of doctor's offices with the horrible color schemes has a back door (to the glowing green room) where a file folder is taped to the outside of the door. This is written on the manila folder: DON'T ENTER -- EVER -- EQUIPMENT IS NEAR DOOR (That's from memory, I might have the wording off a little.) I was going to peek in through the mail slot on my way home tonight, but I was afraid to since I wasn't wearing enough leather to protect me from whatever demonic forces would be unleashed by the engines of evil within. Also I need to remember to try the doorknob since if they can't figure out that they should lock the door instead of taping a folder to it, they probably wouldn't even notice if I stole their medical sadism machine. (I need one of those.) [March 9, 2004:] Well, tell you what. Tomorrow I'll remember to peek in through the mail slot (or possibly climb in through it, I really am quite skinny as contortionists go) and we'll settle the question of whether real insane doctors have the same keyboards as movie mad scientists with special one-touch keys for things like "LASER", "RESTRAINTS", "ADD ALIEN DNA", and "DESTRUCT". Seriously, if you'd seen those doctors' offices (which I did after they painted them sadistic colors, but before they moved in their evil equipment) you too would be firmly convinced you would never want to spend any time in those offices. So that's why I want to go in and snoop around, just because I don't want to be there therefore something interesting that I don't want to know about must be going on inside. If I come back without my skin, either the mad doctors got to me, or else the fluorescent walls caused instantaneous and total exfoliation. -- K. I bet their pervert machine even has a button for "SEXFOLIATE". [March 11, 2004:] Recently, I was describing some offices in the building where I work. I promised you guys I'd try to peek in through the little armored mail slot in the door tonight, but I didn't rememberĘto do that, so I haven't seen what equipment is stacked against the emergency exit from the luminous cabbage-looper green room. I did do a little research to find out what sort of craaaaaaazy doctor's offices would be painted in weird, scary, threatening, overwhelming colors. It's a psychiatrist's office suite. (There's also a chiropractor there, just so that someone can order you to take off your pants in front of the brain doctor.) So, the psycho color scheme can't have been an accident. Dr. Creepy-Hue must have known full well what effect a radioactive magenta ganzfeld will have on fragile patients reclining on (or strapped to) his couch. The bright magenta room will make people into kill-crazed murder machines who love Barbie. The deep red room will make people want to watch the first guy killing people and kissing Barbie. The two shiny yellow rooms will make people need bananas, for sale in the reception area for a million dollars each. The glowing green Kryptonite room will make people shit, shit, and shit again. Also, my suspicion is that after your appointment, you'll receive a black licorice lollipop that tastes like burnt rubber. I don't know why, but that seems like the most appropriate type of lollipop to be given after staring at a nuclear pink wall for an hour. And it would give you electrical shocks if you didn't finish it. -- K. If I were a psychiatrist, everything in my office would be painted to look like a Rorshach blot, except for the receptionist, who would be Woody Woodpecker. //// RE-RUNS END //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// -- K. Is it too late to change Woody Woodpecker to SpongeBob SquarePants? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pink news... Date: Mon, 16 Oct 2006 00:14:38 -0400 I just wrote: > > [...] > > Pellegrini, R.J., Schauss, A.G., Miller, M.E. (1981). > Room Color and Aggression in a Criminal Detention Holding Cell: > A Test of the "Tranquilizing Pink" Hypothesis. > Journal of Othomolecular Psychiatry, 10, 174-181. > > Sorry, I can't find an online copy of the article, as > J. Ortho. Psych. has only a partial online archive. Basically, > the article says that if you put prisoners in pink cells they're > more likely to start hitting each other. I'd like to add that the following is the only legit-seeming study I could find to claim that pink walls have any sort of positive effect: Percept Mot Skills. 1987 Dec;65(3):941-2. Related Articles, Links Effects of Baker-Miller pink and red on state anxiety, grip strength, and motor precision. Profusek PJ, Rainey DW. John Carroll University, University Heights, OH 44118. 7 male and 39 female undergraduates were alternately assigned to rooms painted red or Baker-Miller Pink. After 5 min., measures were taken of state anxiety, grip strength, and motor precision. Subjects in the pink room had significantly lower state anxiety, but strength and precision scores did not differ, providing minimal support for the hypothesized calming effects of Baker-Miller Pink. This is the study cited by color quackologists who want to sell you expensive Magic Pink paint, but note that even the study only says it yields only "minimal support" for the idea that pink walls calm people down, and also it only tested anxiety and not aggression, and also also it only measured the effects of pink relative to red with no actual control group and a teensy sample size. So I stand by my call of bullshit on anyone who thinks bright pink walls make people be nice. Certainly whenever I'm in an environment like that, I don't think "Ah, I'm so relaxed and feel like being saintly!", I think "LET ME THE HELL OUT OF THIS FUCKING NAUSEATING PEPTO-BARBIE-PHOSPHENE ROOM!" (If you don't know what a phosphene is, ask Mommy to show you one by having her jab her thumb into your eyelid.) The reference to "grip strength" in that study is because a lot of these paint-color studies focus on whether or not looking at some paint will give you super strength, as apparently the people who conduct these studies think that "Green Lantern" comic books are documentaries. If certain colors could give people super strength, wouldn't the Gay Games athletes do at least as well as the ones in the Olympics because of the extra colors on their flag? Unless the magic color is the white background behind the five rings. But if white were the magic color, then how would science explain the red, yellow, and blue dots on the Wonder Bread wrapper? -- K. Officially, they're not dots, they're supposedly balloons. Don't worry, I can't see it either. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pink news... Date: Mon, 16 Oct 2006 03:15:48 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But if white were the magic color, then how would science > > explain the red, yellow, and blue dots on the Wonder > > Bread wrapper? > > > > Officially, they're not dots, they're supposedly balloons. > > Don't worry, I can't see it either. > > What if they're really diseased sperm? You're thinking of Freihofer's. > Or cancerous blood cells? Cancerous cells are bigger and more nutritious than so-called "normal" cells. You should be grateful for every tumor in your diet. Or would you prefer Chef Boyardee products not to contain any meatballs? -- K. And I still say "disease" will be the word that's the most fun to type once our society accepts the inevitability of phonetic spelling. "I HAVE A DIZEEZ!" is much more fun to type than "OH NO, NOT LEPROSY AGAIN!" And consider the product names you'll be buying! Dizeez-B-Gon! Dizeezies! Freihofer's Dizeezo Bread! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.english.usage,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: These data, those data Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2006 23:51:21 -0400 In alt.english.usage and alt.religion.kibology, jamacrae1@hotmail.com wrote: > > I hope you are having as much fun as I. > > This absurdly devoid of meaningly nonsensical substance is sort of fun. > > Inane conversation can be "appropriately" challenging. Hmm. DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY !!!!! This isn't that challenging. I won, even though it only took me three hours to think that up! > No offence i am enjoying the lack of substance. That's the new marketing slogan for Jell-O. -- K. And you may be having fun being inane, but I have the advantage, for I am Darth Ane. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Once again, I apologize. Date: Mon, 16 Oct 2006 00:31:40 -0400 It's probably my fault. Remember when I started a discussion about the incomprehensibly high resale value of old tapes of "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie" and shortly thereafter that piece of crap was announced for re-release on DVD? I may have done it again. They just announced it today: "Match Game '73" on DVD. Now, I mostly talk about "Match Game '76", 'cause '76 was the lowest point in American pop culture -- and because the first few weeks of the '73 show were pretty lame, before they had the bright idea of making the questions be jokes instead of just incomplete sentences. But I'm sure I'm at least partly to blame for keeping the tragic memory of "Match Game '7x" alive in the scarred remanants of the public consciousness. It's it bad enough that some of us had to live through the Bicentennial, do we really have to see Charles Nelson Reilly wearing those shirts again? "Match Game '73" will be available at a store too soon, too near you. The horror begins November 21, 2006 for a suggested retail price of $35. -- K. I think it would be funny if anyone who bought the four-DVD "Match Game '73" boxed set opened it up and inside the discs were BLANK. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: And you thought Letterman's "Top Ten" lists were lame... Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2006 17:36:50 -0400 From the comic-book-colored pages of USA Today, it's News You Can Use! For very small values of "can". [www.usatoday.com] -> -> Influential people list -> Updated 10/17/2006 -> -> The 101 most influential people who never lived: -> -> IMAGINARY LUMINARIES: Famous, yet fictional -> -> 1. The Marlboro Man But... he died of lung cancer. So either he was real, or there's now a form of cancer that can even kill imaginary people. Oh no! Cookie Monster's in danger from Elmo's secondhand smoke! Geez, is this whole list going to be this crappy? -> 2. Big Brother But if he's not real how come he has a TV show named after him? He's at least as real as The Simpsons! I know they're real because they built that house for them to live in near Las Vegas. -> 3. King Arthur Yeah, lots of other people whose names are printed on old coins are imaginary too, 'cause they died long before reality was invented. I think officially the jury's still deliberating over whether King Arthur was "real" or not. There certainly were some ancient rulers in what is now Britain who had similar names, just no magical adventures involving Monty Python. -> 4. Santa Claus (St. Nick) This reporter's going to get a lump of coal in his stocking. Mushy brown coal that smells like the back half of a horse. -> 5. Hamlet Also, exactly what "influence" did these people have? Hamlet killed some other imaginary people. How does that make him more "influential" than Ming The Merciless, who killed a far greater number of imaginary people? -> 6. Dr. Frankenstein's Monster BZZZZZZT! This is supposedly a list of "people who never lived", not "people made from pieces of people who lived". -> 7. Siegfried Roy cried! -> 8. Sherlock Holmes His influence extends to... um... well, they talk about him a lot on "Star Trek". So he's just as important as Surak or Khan Noonian Singh. The difference is that you could see those guys walking around, but Sherlock Holmes was just someone Mr. Data liked to play dress-up as. Therefore, I have proven Sherlock Holmes was less real than Khan Noonian Singh. -> 9. Romeo and Juliet And let's not forget that imaginary "Shakespeare" guy who was really just a collaboration between Francis Bacon, Roger Bacon, the alien pyramid-builders, and Nikola Tesla. -> 10. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde What, not Dracula? Was he too real for this list -- unlike King Arthur and the Marlboro Man? -> 11. Uncle Tom Well, of course he wasn't real, because nobody ever owned any slaves. Slavery was made up by the greeting-card industry, just like the Holocaust and Valentine's Day! -> 12. Robin Hood Of course Robin Hood's imaginary -- no man would ever be named "Robin". Unless he's living with Batman. Hey, Batman should be way above Robin Hood. Robin Hood's just a legend, but Batman's still doing stuff! And Superman could kick the ass of anyone else on this list. He should be #1, #2, and #3. Batman could be #4, then there should be no #5 through #98. #99 is Robin, #100 is the Riddler. -> 13. Jim Crow See, once again, more evidence that everything connected to slavery is fictional. Gary Kasparov and Henry Ford were right -- all "history" before whatever year I was born was made up! It was all made up by God on the same day that he buried all those fake fossils just because God wanted to trick everyone into believing in evolution! -> 14. Oedipus Your mama. -> 15. Lady Chatterly Once again, I question the "influential"-ness of the names on this reporter's demonstration that he or she can think up a list of public-domain characters. -> 16. Ebenezer Scrooge Scrooge McDuck was more influential, given his involvement in South American politics according to "Como Leer el 'Pato Donald'". -> 17. Don Quixote Okay, I'll grant him some influence, since he did manage to kill that guy who was trying to play him in that movie Terry Gilliam couldn't even get half-finished enough to release it. -> 18. Mickey Mouse He's not influential! He's just a SELL-OUT! Also, not a PERSON! HE'S A FUCKING MOUSE!!! A very deformed one, but still a MOUSE! -> 19. The American Cowboy Wait, wait, wait. How come the Marlboro Man is #1 but he's just an instance of a class which is collectively #19? And also, weren't there really some cowboys? I know because I used to have one of those Apple Performas that came with an educational CD-ROM about how there were plenty of gay cowboys. -> 20. Prince Charming And every Tuesday, he'd run through Boston's North End squeezing toilet tissue. Hey, how come little Anthony and Mr. Whipple aren't on this list? As a bonus, the redheaded stockboy that Mr. Whipple kept taking the toilet tissue away from grew up to be one of the guys on "MythBusters", which makes Mr. Whipple slightly more real by association. Unless you're trying to tell me "MythBusters" is also imaginary, in which case I demand all their experiments be repealed so that I can use a sheet of plywood as a parachute. -> 21. Smokey Bear Again, NOT IMAGINARY. The original Smokey was an actual bear cub who died in a forest fire and was then commemorated by being replaced with a cartoon character who could never, ever suffer such a tragic fate, and who wore pants. -> 22. Robinson Crusoe I say Friday was more influential. He solved all those crimes (hippies did it) and opened a chain of restaurants. -> 23. Apollo and Dionysus Then Zeus saw this list and spent the rest of the day crying into his ambrosia. -> 24. Odysseus Okay, I've run out of things to say about this list of random non-existent people who apparently had great influence despite not even existing. -> 25. Nora Helmer Who? Okay, I just looked her up. Now we're down to characters from Henrik Ibsen plays. 'Cause I guess she was important and the reporter hadn't heard of other characters from important works of legitimate theater such as Willy Loman or Stella or Rum-Tum-Tugger. -> 26. Cinderella I say the Fairy Godmother was more important, because drag queens never dress up as Cinderella. -> 27. Shylock Why not just make an alphabetical list of everyone Shakespeare ever mentioned and then trot out Patrick Stewart and Henry Winkler to explain to us that Shakespeare was the only great writer who ever lived? And speaking of Patrick Stewart and Henry Winkler, where's my Picard? Where's my Fonzie? Where's my Edward G. Robinson saying "Where's your Fonzie now, nyah?" -> 28. Rosie the Riveter If she wasn't real, then how did we win the war? -> 29. Midas If he wasn't real, then why does he run all those TV commercials for his chain of automotive proctology shops? -> 30. Hester Prynne Oh, right, everyone loves Nathanial Hawthorne, because... zzzzz. (LOUD SNORING FOR FIVE HUNDRED HOURS) Seriously, we need to invent time machines just so we can go back and make American Literature classes have something to read that isn't incredibly tedious. I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU, HENRY JAMES, NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE, AND HERMAN MELVILLE. Apparently other than Mark Twain, olden-time Americans saw their mission to be really, really, really serious all the time. Really. Really. Zzzzzzz. -> 31. The Little Engine That Could NOT A PERSON! So if the reporter has expanded this list to be "The 100 Most Influential People And Other Objects Who Never Lived", then it needs to be restructured like so: 1. Rocks 2. Fire 3. Water 4. Quarks 5. Horses 6. Superman -> 32. Archie Bunker This list definitely sucks. Fonzie, Captain Kirk, and Alan Alda aren't above a guy who starred in the formulaic "Hey, Look! The Dumb Racist Is Being Dumb!" show? -> 33. Dracula Again, DRACULA WAS SORT OF REAL. He may not have been able to change into a little cardboard bat that flew around on a string, but we know he was real because they built that theme park on his gravesite. -> 34. Alice in Wonderland And again, SORT OF REAL, given that Lewis Carroll was only writing those stories so that he could have something to read to li'l Alice Liddell while she sat in his lap and bounced up and down for hours and hours. Please move Alice In Wonderland over to "great works of art created by pedophiles" list, along with Billy Jean and that Arthur C. Clarke story about how the Venusians thinks Mickey Mouse was real. Mickey Mouse stays on this list, though, 'cause Disney hated women of any age or gender. -> 35. Citizen Kane Killer Kane from "Buck Rogers" should be above him. Actually, maybe not. It's a good question whether a ray gun is more powerful than a publishing conglomerate. I call dibs on making a movie about Kane vs. Kane. Orson Welles would play both of them, as well as a giant robot named Unicron and a tiny one named Twiki. -> 36. Faust Yeah, he was made-up, unlike the Devil, who works at your local motor-vehicle bureau.