From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More tips from Uncle oTTo Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2006 20:23:44 -0400 "Otto Bahn" (ei@eio.com) wrote: > > [...] > > 5) Basketballs need more air when it's cold, but your car tires > will heat up. > > 6) Baseballs hurt more when it's cold. Yes, but this won't be Important Research until you can draw a graph showing the exact shape of the curve describing the relationship between the coldness of a baseball and the hurtiness of the baseball. Bonus points if you can find the Triple Point between pain, pleasure, and comedy. Sure, there's a line dividing "painfully funny" from "funny but painful", but with the help of science we can snip out that line with scissors and tie it into a pretty bow that cries. Other physical interactions that need to have their phase space found include cream pies (especially in conjunction with the magical Triple Point where Moe, Larry, and Curly are at an unstable equilibrium) and whoopee cushions. All I know with regard to whoopee cushions is that if you make them much more powerful, they change from being funny to being lethal, but then if you make them even more powerful, they go back to being funny because it's always funny if nobody can find the bodies. -- K. Also, since water is one of the few substances that expands when it freezes, shouldn't you fill your basketballs with ice to keep them bouncy? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beautiful women, aged clones, and Ultimate Fighting Championship Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2006 20:33:54 -0400 In alt.religion.kibology, baseballswim123@yahoo.com spamvertised: > > Friend, > > I'm always looking for good and intelligent individuals like you to > visit my website, www.ChezBrandon.com, and it has pictures of beautiful > women, information about aged clones, and a link to Ultimate Fighting > Championship, a very good show. I'm sorry, but I'm not in the market to buy a GED clone, or whatever other sort of phony diplomas your phony-diplomas-and-tee-vee-wrestling scam site might be trying to sell my grandma. > My name is Brandon, and I'm in my 20s, am a college student, and as lie > detectors, both conventional and unconventional would show, I've never > been sexually penetrated. Moreover, I could be shown pictures of X, Y, > and Z, and it would show that I'm only sexually attracted to women. But what if I show you F, you see K? And are these human women you're attracted to, or just Prairie Dawn and Rosita and whatever the girl version of Grover would be? I'm afraid I don't have the time to go look at your Web site to see your collection of hundreds of crayon drawings of what Groverina would look like riding a mechanical bull naked. And by the way, your drawings are invalid because real Muppets wear underwear. It's just hard to tell they're wearing underwear under their fursuits. > Elements of an organization -- thank God I was able to thwart the > conquest of the USA and the world, and was able to thwart the murder of > United States and world leaders, via a psychic vision of Senator John > Warner and other Congressmen being choked to death by gas, which was > confirmed auditorially from both ears, such as "He saved Congress," who > they were going to kill "all of them," and "how did he know that?" -- > murdered my biological Aunt Gloria Atkinson, whom I loved very much, as > she did of me, and there is a tribute to her on my website. Please, > friend, be sure to barricade your bedroom door at night. I'm not afraid > of aged clones or the attempted chopping off of my appendages (elements > of an organization talked about chopping off my right middle finger and > right ear, and 10 out of 10 of my toes, like my right middle finger > have unique steeple designs). I'm not afraid of anything. I'll defend > myself to the best of my ability, and I commit my life to saving the > lives of men, women, and children and strengthening good organizations. > Sincerely, Brandon Dear Brandon: Your brain may or may not be like a pizza. Except that the pizza's rounder, and not quite as flat. -- K. If you say you've "never been sexually penetrated", that implies that perhaps you have been subject to another form of penetration. Was it ice pick to skull, or vice versa? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Special Gym! Waaah! Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2006 20:47:58 -0400 [concerning Jack Webb] Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Instead of just being ultra-ultra-ultra-conservative and > > doing dramas about how the police are always right and hippies > > always cook their baby in the oven, > > I used to come home from school loaded quite frequently, and one of the > shows the local station used for afternoon filler was Dragnet. That show > was much more enjoyable on acid. While his hard-core hijinks gave me many a > giggle, my favorite was when that one guy painted his face blue and buried > his head in the ground so he could see the earth's pilot light! If memory serves, the episode about Blue Boy was the first episode of the revived color "Dragnet" ("Dragnet 1967" or whatever the year was.) You can get those on DVD if you want to have the exciting experience of finding out what happens to your brain after you watch two dozen consecutive episodes of Jack Webb setting you straight. Thanks to modern DVD technology, you can now expose yourself to Jack Webb (and not in _that_ way) any time you want to destroy your brain's ability to tell groovy from wrong. I should have you know that as a child of the era when TV was dominated by reruns of early color shows, I learned my entire sense of morality from William Shatner, George Reeves, Adam West, and Jack Webb. That is why I now travel around dishing out two-fisted justice to anyone who needs a good beating until they agree with my worldview. However, I still have not been able to reconcile the differing sexual norms presented by those shows. Jack Webb would never have considered that it was possible for a human to ever consider another human a sex object, William Shatner would kiss an evil woman whenever he needed to distract her so he could punch her in the face, George Reeves was only lusted after by women when he took his glasses off because women are too dumb to notice you have the world's largest muscles if you wear eyeglasses, and Adam West just screamed and cried whenever Catwoman tied him up and subjected him to heterosexual affection. Also I think I might have once seen a Sid & Marty Krofft show that turned me into a ticking time bomb that might snap at any moment. I'm not sure which of the Sid & Marty Krofft shows it was, but I know it was one of them. Maybe we'll find out in the tragic aftermath. -- K. Oh, and also, "Sesame Street" is where my sense of humor came from, especially the episode where Big Bird learns that Ernie killed Mr. Hooper. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Special Gym! Waaah! Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2006 20:52:21 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > When I was a young'en, I was once the only person in my age-specific sunday > school class. What really cracked me up was that the teacher would praise > me for being so quiet during class. I guess that's better than being ratted > out to my parents for talking to myself too loudly or smacking myself in > the back of the head. > > I win, I went to Special Sunday School. Big deal. I'm going to Heaven. Those who went to _Special_ Sunday School don't get to go to real Heaven. They have to go to _Special_ Heaven, which is just an abandoned Chuck E. Cheese where all the balls in the ball pit popped long ago. It's in the Bible, in the middle of the part where it explains why I'm better than you or anyone else who has ever been or could ever be in a Chuck E. Cheese. Did you know if you add up all the letters in "Chuck E. Cheese" and change them to other letters and add some other letters, they spell "Six Hundred Sixty-Six"? Makes you think hard!!! -- K. Seriously, who came up with the idea of a giant hairy rat as a fast-food mascot? That's even more horrifying than Jollibee! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cats Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2006 20:59:05 -0400 "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > Cats are like women on permanent PMS. So what you're saying is that cats won't sleep with you either? > Especially with the random clawings. Yeah, pretend to yourself that it's "random" if that'll make you feel better about what happened during that last date when you started rubbing the Fancy Feast on her. -- K. I'm glad I'm a man and thus unable to suffer from the explosive instability of PMS. I'm completely stable because I'm loaded with so much testosterone that it drowns out all the other hormones! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Igor Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2006 22:16:25 -0400 In sci.physics and sci.astro, kurtstocklmeir@earthlink.net wrote: > > I guess > > I used a new title because I do not want to mess up my articles where I > talk about physics. How about "King Of Science"? Only one guy ever tried using that title on the science newsgroups, and he was disqualified when it was discovered he wasn't even a Duke Of Guessing Obvious Stuff. Kurt, I hereby bestow upon thee the title of King Of Science. You are the King Of Science, for now and forever. ALL HAIL KING KURT THE FIRST AND HOPEFULLY ONLY! > I do not want any person to answer any of my articles because they will > mess up my articles. Hello, Kurt! Am I posting a followup yet? Am I posting a followup yet? Am I posting a followup yet? Am I posting a followup yet? [...continues in this vein for 10,000 lines, but your computer automatically deleted them and inserted this square-bracketed synopsis...] Am I posting a followup yet? Yes, Kurt, I am posting a followup! Yay! > Most people who write articles for these groups are losers. I do not > think there is 1 person - not including me - who writes articles for > these groups who is not a loser. They are probably all losers. Okay, I'll assume that as the First Postulate Of The Internet. > I do not read articles of these groups. There could be a small number > of normal people. However, that statement requires proof. Prove you know a non-zero number of normal people! (You can't count me because I am above normal, even by the high standards of us Space Vikings.) > It is probably true there is not 1 normal person who reads articles of > these groups. It is probably true any person who reads any articles of > these groups is a loser. If they had any thing normal to do they would > not be reading articles of losers. > > Physics people and nice people left a long time ago. Now bad people, > ideits, fools, dumbys and insane people write articles. This is good. > It would not be fair if these groups were good. > > My theories are cursed. When I put my theories on the internet curses > doom people. People can not ever talk about my theories or they will > be cursed. People can not use my theories or they will be cursed. > People will not ever be able to create a theory depending on my > theories or they will be cursed. My theory is that your theory is wrong. That's like the Epimenides paradox, except that instead of making robots' heads explode on "Star Trek" it just makes me think about how that episode where the robot's head burned up when Spock said "I am lying" was a lot better than your crummy imaginary theory, both before and after they replaced all the original model spaceships with modern computerized digital cardboard cutouts. Kurt, could you please make a curse against people who fuck around with old TV shows that didn't need to be updated? Thanks. Oh, and also, if you can't stop them from doing that, could you at least get them to give DeForest Kelley more lines? > I put some of my theories on the internet around 1990. Curses have > spread. > > some bad people - igor - stepp - rc - uncle al - wormley - houghton - > hansen - green - moortal - wake - pd Are you sure your Internet is functioning correctly? Your ears are green. > I have tried to create extra curses against these people and their > families - any person who talks to any of these bad people needs to > plan on my curses dooming them and their families - any person who > talks to any bad person needs to plan on my curses dooming them and > their familes - any person who reads articles of a bad person needs to > plan on my curses dooming them and their families Your theory is a wreath of pretty flowers that smell _bad_. > Kurt Stocklmeir Don't forget, you need to start signing everything "Kurt Stockmeir, King Of Science". -- K. You're the first King Of Science to be officially authorized by me, the Kingmaker Of Science. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Igor Date: Sun, 29 Oct 2006 09:15:11 -0500 In sci.physics and sci.astro, kurtstocklmeir@earthlink.net wrote: > > I guess > > Tobin is doomed I don't know who Tobin is, but I am now imagining you as Colonel Klink shaking your fist and yelling "To-binnnnn!" Then Richard Dawson hides a radio in the teapot and uses it to secretly pick up the "Family Feud" answers in advance. Who is this Tobin person upon whom you are wishing your little doomy doom? > any more people want to be doomed MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Please? Pretty please with whatever your favorite dessert topping is on it? Unless it's ground glass, in which case I'm only going to come to your house for the first half of dinner. I learned my lesson last time when I tried your tapioca and I ran away screaming "HELP, THE PUDDING IS POINTY!" > Kurt Stocklmeir I just realized that your name is the exact opposite of an anagram of "Ernie's Zeppelin Bombed Bert's Hat", but I don't know what that means. Can you please explain the secret message you concealed in the name you picked when you were born? -- K. Also, can I please be doomed some more? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Halloween costume! Date: Sun, 29 Oct 2006 03:54:37 -0400 A conversation I had several times today: "Is that a Halloween costume?" "Yes [YOU IDIOT] !" "What are you, a terrorist?" "No [YOU DOUBLE IDIOT] !" "Then what are you?" "A ninja [YOU 3-D IDIOT] !" "What?" "A ninja [IT'S THE SAME ANSWER BUT LOUDER, YOU TESSERACTICAL IDIOT] !" "What's that?" [police find the two halves of an idiot who was killed with a ninja sword] Today I've been called a terrorist more times than I usually get in a whole year. I swear, if just _one_ more person calls me a terrorist, I'm going to blow up a building. These people's heads must explode whenever they watch the re-edited version of E.T. "But he's wearing a Halloween costume! Therefore he _must_ be a terrorist!" I know what terrorists look like. I've been in the elevator with them. And yeah, the one in my building did sometimes dress all in black except for the little eyeslit. BUT SHE DIDN'T CARRY A NINJA SWORD OR HAVE REALLY COOL STEEL-TOE NINJA BOOTS! Now I'm starting to understand why the crappy ninja costumes they sell at K-Mart basically consist of a headband with the word "NINJA!!!!!!" written on it. 'Cause when someone shows up in a relatively authentic ninja costume, people can't figure it out. The United States is a relatively culturally-sophisticated nation (i.e. one that watches a lot of TV) so how did it come to harbor all these dweebs who don't know what a ninja is? I say that from now on, people should not be allowed to vote unless they can pass this simple test: +------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | Want to vote? | | | | | | CIRCLE THE NINJA! | | | | | | IAMABOZO (picture of a ninja) IAMATWIT IAMADOOF | | | +------------------------------------------------------------------+ The advantage of this system is that it would also allow us to determine which people should be assigned the legal status of bozo, twit, or doof to serve the ninja elite. "Hey, doof, tell the bozo to bring me a sandwich, then have the twit wipe my butt with his treasured copy of the censored version of 'E.T.'. Good doof!" So, I'm adding these items to my Presidential platform: * When elected, I promise to institute a national "Circle The Ninja!" test. * When elected, I promise to make everyone watch "You Only Live Twice" until they learn what a ninja is (and accept that Caucasian guys with hairy chests are the coolest ninjas.) * When elected, I will use my ninja sword to slice up anyone who didn't vote for me. -- K. You know, it's totally rude to ask someone what their Halloween costume is. Miss Manners says that if you don't know, you should just say "Oh, how CREATIVE, your amazing costume is wholly beyond my comprehension because I have never even been in a store that sells Halloween costumes!" Seriously, if you don't even know what a ninja is, you'd probably be really confused at any kids' Halloween party. "I do not understand, what are eight ninjas, fifty-seven Harry Potters, and too many Britney Spears?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Halloween costume! Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2006 23:21:17 -0500 Thomas Armagost (silly@well.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I swear, if just _one_ more person calls me a terrorist, I'm going > > to blow up a building. > > Terrorist. Okay, this means that if nobody else calls me a terrorist I have to blow up a building. -- K. How much does it cost to rent a bouncy castle and electric pump? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.arts.tv Subject: Re: Standards and Practices Date: Sun, 29 Oct 2006 04:24:56 -0400 Mark Nobles (cmn-nospam@houston.rr.com) wrote: > > Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > OK, so why can you know show a dead body with its chest > > cut open and its skin and ribcage hanging off to the sides, > > but you can't show a single nipple if it's on a live person? > > That's just messed up. > > You can show all the nipples you want - as long as they are on guys. > And you can't even show a single nipple on a dead female person. On > Nip/Tuck, Dr. Troy was careful to keep the late Mrs. Grubman's nipples > under cover. Even a couple of weeks ago when Shari Noble got her nipple > torn off by her dog, when they were reattaching it they could show her > breast without a nipple, and they could show the detached nipple, but > once the two parts touched they couldn't be shown. So does this mean that if the doctors had left a protective sheet of Saran Wrap between the two halves of the nipple, they could reattach it but still show it as long as the no-touching barrier is in the middle of it? It would be like the end of "Star Trek II", except that Kirk and Spock on opposite sides of the radiation-proof clear window would be two halves of one nipple. Which half of the nipple do you think Spock would be? I don't know why you people like sick TV shows like "Nip/Tuck". I only watch wholesome entertainment like "24", which never shows anything remotely like a nipple during the hourly torture scenes. "24" protects America by showing lots of good clean torture because if you ever see a nipple, the terrorists win, especially if they like Janet Jackson. > Hmmm. I wonder what would happen if you showed a torturer cutting off > women's nipples as part of his ritual? Would that be considered sex > (censored) or violence (ok to show)? As a science project, you should run out and rent both the R-rated and unrated edits of Takashi Miike's "Ichi The Killer" and watch them over and over until you have the answer. -- K. That's how I get most of my answers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Find your own damned director! Date: Sun, 29 Oct 2006 04:36:41 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > I'm not your film researcher dagnabit! > > Godamn marketing managers getting me to print out gay porn for me at work for > fucks! See, this is why I keep getting you and Lots42 confused. How many other people besides the two of you are in your "I only looked at that gay porn for six hours by accident!" club, and did you join up after a Red Sox game like those creepy guys who try to pick me up at the bar? Also, the "work for fucks" part of your post might have more impact if you wrote it on a sign and held it up on a streetcorner. If you don't have any blank posterboard, you could write it on the back of some of that porn you've been printing out, unless you already had it all laminated. -- K. Also, why is gay porn just as crappy as straight porn? You get the feeling all the gay porn must be made by straight people, 'cause it doesn't even have good set decoration. Gay porn should at least tell an exciting color story! But instead it's just pictures of ugly people pretending they're enjoying poorly-photographed sex. Yuk. If I wanted to see ugly people having sex without feeling, I'd just put twenty bucks on my NYCMTA MetroCard. Porn sucks, and the stuff they expect you to pay for sucks even worse than the free stuff, because porn comes from some universe of Bizarro Economics And No Condoms. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The technical samurai Date: Sun, 29 Oct 2006 04:49:45 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > Is there a samuari movie where they just spend the whole movie talking about > the technical aspects of their swords and not cutting each other up? Yes. You should be able to find it on the same sites as that one where the TIE Fighter pilot takes the guy aboard and tells him what every button on the control panel does for twelve chapters. I only read the first chapter because I don't like that sort of gay porn as much as you do. > It would go well with the one where a samuari sits by the river and watches > the bodies of former enemies float by... Also, some people who figured out that I was a ninja today still referred to my sword as a "samurai sword". Maybe next Halloween I should dress as a samurai to see whether they refer to my sword as an "astronaut sword", "telephone-sanitizer sword", or "TIE Fighter pilot sword". THIS PART OF YOUR SCREEN IS NOW A HANDY WALLET CARD CLIP AND SAVE: ) <-- Samurai swords are shaped like this. | <-- Ninja swords are shaped like this. Samurai carry samurai swords. Ninjas carry ninja swords. Of course, the fact that the plural of "samurai" doesn't have an "s" there even though the plural of "ninja" does might make people's heads implode, but that's just because when English-speakers steal a word from Japanese they get to make up whatever pluralizations they want, and every time they make up a nifty new one, they get a kudo. -- K. Then there are the pro wrestlers who call a shinai a "Singapore cane". That's like calling Canadian bacon "Israeli lettuce". IT'S NEITHER OF THOSE WORDS YOU STUCK TOGETHER LIKE UGLY LEGOS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: No pants rule in danger Date: Sun, 29 Oct 2006 05:26:41 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Lack of clothing, clothing from head to toe, braless or bra- > > ed, doesn't matter - a horny male teen will get fired up if > > even a hint of female personhood is evident. Sometimes even > > without such a hint. That's the way male teens are. > > > > A hole in a log will set many off, for ghodz sakes. Yes, but nearly-naked women still have all the advantages over clothed women when it comes to getting men to do what they want. For instance, at, say, a Halloween costume contest, the woman whose costume is "me, in a bikini bottom and pasties!" will probably beat out the woman whose costume is "complicated glow-in-the-dark nuclear-powered alien sex fiend costume I spent 53 weeks making, right down to the individual strands of blinking hair", even if the costume contest is in a gay bar. I predict that soon women will start getting that Barbie surgery from that John Varley story, so that they will have no nipples or vee-ginas and thus can walk around completely naked, and they'll immediately take over the world with their powers of complete nudity. Men don't care whether or not a woman has all her equipment if she's naaaaaaaaaaked, as scientists have proved by counting the number of "a"s in "naaaaaaaaaaked". > > Why is it men always have to blame the women for their > > problems with over-raging hormones ? You guys have hands, if > > you get all worked up and can't get any action, use them. And > > quit bitching about all the female booty out there making you > > crazy and coming up with crazy rules and laws and decisions to > > justify your inability to control your ownselves. > > My empirical evidence fully agrees with and/or validates this rant > and/or service. It's a trap! You're not really validating Mari's opinion with your own free will -- because she's a WO-man, she gives off a secret invisible undetectable imaginary force field that causes validation! If she were a man, you wouldn't be tripping over your own feet to validate her, because you'd be too busy going bowling with her! Of course if she changed back to a woman halfway through the beer frame you'd probably trip over your feet again and go sliding down the lane and get crushed by the pinsetting machine. So maybe if she were a guy you should take her to a hockey game instead of a bowling alley. Or are you such a cheapskate you'd rather validate her than buy hockey tickets for the imaginary male version of her? AND IF YOU THINK WHAT I JUST SAID WAS STUPID, IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I'M A MAN, YOU SEXY PIG! I MEAN SEXIST PIG! It all boils down to women manipulating men by not having as many hormones as men do. Women use their lack of hormones to trick men into thinking women are loaded with hormones, in much the same way Scientologists try to trick you into thinking your brain has engrams in it. The only men who cannot be tricked are the ones who have so much testosterone that they say "HEY, COOL HARLEY, I'LL JUST STAND HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD SO I CAN GET A GOOD LOOK AT THE AWESOME BIKE THAT'S GOING THROUGH MY FACE AAAACK" except for the ones who have even more testosterone so the Harley just bounces off their muscles. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, motorcycles. Motorcycles are awesome! Stupid women, always trying to change the subject away from motorcycles. > I have constantly been pissed off that my hormones will derail me > from what I hope to get done, in non-hormone-related activities. And > I'm no longer a teenage male. Still, some slight relief from raging > waves of hormone-soaked obsession does come with age. Or so I've > heard. Male menopause does set in, around age 150, or later if they've ever invented Viagra in your galaxy. "Male menopause" is obviously a myth because if it ever happened men would find some way to brag about it, as in, "Ha ha, women, we get male menopause and you just get the sissy girl version that can't be a tenth as powerful, like the way in commercials deodorant for men is incredibly powerful but deodorant for women is gentle because MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MANLY MEN STOUT-HEARTED MEN, MEN MEN MEN MEN, WAITRESS WHERE THE HELL ARE MY NACHOS?" Female menopause is the real one, because if it didn't exist, what would Bea Arthur have kept talking about on that hilarious sitcom all about menopause? If there were no female menopause, "Maude" would have consisted of Bea Arthur sitting in an easy chair, and every fifteen minutes she'd say "Oh, I just felt my hair getting slightly bluer," and then there would be a commercial for some deodorant strong enough for MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN, BY MENNEN! Further proof: Robots don't get menopause. This is because robots are inherently male, except for that one in "Metropolis" who doesn't count because she was German and we all know that Germans have weeeeeeird ideas about gender roles, especially those involving nuns with whips or robot strippers. So, anyway, if you want to stop ogling women when you're older, the logical solution is that you should schedule a lobotomy for whatever year you think you'll be too old to ride a motorcycle. You can get a big discount by buying your lobotomy that many years in advance, and there are signup booths located at every bowling alley. Or is that just the ball-polishing machine? Whatever, I'm sure it will all make perfect sense after your lobotomy. THOSE WHO HAVE NOT HAD THEIR LOBOTOMY ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO COMMENT ON MY NUTTY RANT ABOUT WHY LOBOTOMIES ARE ALWAYS GOOD FOR EVERYONE. -- K. I, of course, will never get a lobotomy, because someone has to keep track of who has their lobotomy appointments on what days. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: No pants rule in danger Date: Sat, 04 Nov 2006 14:31:06 -0500 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > What, no one peeked in the men's room? > > > > Oh, wait - never mind. Only us wimmins go in groups - men > > don't, to avoid the potential peeking. > > waitaminute: you're saying that the reason wimmins flock to the > toilets in groups is so they can *peek*? > > um. um. just... just, um. wow. I just think that under Federal law, all men's restrooms and women's restrooms should have exactly the same fixtures, to be fair to everyone. All women's restrooms should have that big trough they have at baseball stadiums, and all men's restrooms should have that fluffy couch that legend says all women's restrooms already have. Oh, and they should take the diaper-changing tables out of all the grown-up restrooms and put them only in the kids' restrooms because no right-thinking grownup wears diapers, and even if they did, the flimsy little plastic table wouldn't hold them. Kids should have separate restrooms from the grownups, especially because kids need a safe place to smoke. -- K. Who would need to peek? Real men can determine size by echolocation. This is why urinals are shaped like parabolic reflectors, to make everything sound bigger. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: No pants rule in danger Date: Sat, 04 Nov 2006 14:54:09 -0500 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > and all men's restrooms should have that fluffy couch that > > legend says all women's restrooms already have. > > Where would you like the tampon dispenser and receptacles located? Mohegan Sun, next to the used-heroin-needle bin. > And, dare I ask, *why*? Because Mohegan Sun has three Krispy Kreme locations and Boston has none. Last time I was on jury duty, the men's room did have a tampon vending machine. I didn't check whether the women's room had a condom dispenser ("ribbed on the inside for his pleasure only!") So, you don't deny that you people get fluffy couches in your restrooms. Are the free couches how the men who run the world bribed you to wear high heels all the time? -- K. Also, why don't homes normally have bathtubs that are long enough for anyone other than Billy Barty? People keep getting taller, but bathtubs are getting shorter, and this can't end well. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: No pants rule in danger Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2006 23:22:06 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > How's the burlesque backlash going in the US? The Suicide Girls tour to > Austria nearly killed it off here. The Suicide Girls are _so_ fifteen minutes ago in the U.S., as they were the guest stars on "C.S.I." a couple weeks ago. In other words, they've sunk to the star power of a Cirque du Soleil road company. The Suicide Girls on "C.S.I." were a television event just as important as when Nancy Reagan told Gary Coleman to "Just say no!" before everyone in the country stopped caring about either of them three seconds later. > I would be sad if the groups involved stopped doing it as no more women > would ask me to come take photos of them taking their clothes off. You do realize that if you _had_ gotten that job in the leather store, the store would undoubtedly have a rule against secretly photographing the customers in the dressing room, right? If you want to do that, get a job at Sears. -- K. Or you could try K-Mart, if you want to see Rosie O'Donnell, Penny Marshall, and Martha Stewart naked. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: No pants rule in danger Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2006 19:50:21 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It all boils down to women manipulating men by not having as many > > hormones as men do. > > But theirs are _coordinated_ and you have to pick matching sets or else > Bad Things Happen. I hear. Here's why I should be a marriage counselor: "Okay, Fred and Frieda, why don't you compromise on the housework issue -- from now on, Fred will do half of the cooking and cleaning, but he also gets to do half the interior decoration. So when the two of you get home, he's going to put up Harley-Davidson wallpaper on two walls out of every four, then partially cook you a nice romantic dinner." I could also solve anyone else's marital problems with just as little effort. > > Robots don't get menopause. This is because robots are inherently > > male, except for that one in "Metropolis" who doesn't count because > > she was German and we all know that Germans have weeeeeeird ideas > > about gender roles, especially those involving nuns with whips or > > robot strippers. > > It's time to restimulate Kibo's Small Wonder brane cell again, isn't it? WAAH! I HAD ALMOST FORGOTTEN! Just for that I'm not even going to tell you the eight new and improved punchlines I just thought up for the ancient "What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?" joke. The seventh one was even better than the Green Golfball Joke. > > THOSE WHO HAVE NOT HAD THEIR LOBOTOMY ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO COMMENT > > ON MY NUTTY RANT ABOUT WHY LOBOTOMIES ARE ALWAYS GOOD FOR EVERYONE. > > What if I've had someone else's lobotomy? Then you become the new Small Wonder and we all have to pretend we don't notice you're a robot because wearing the same little dress every day fools everyone in the world. Before the lobotomy, you were qualified to be one of the replacement Spocks for "Star Trek: Phase III", but now I'm afraid you're legally required to be the new Small Wonder. -- K. I call dibs on being Deluxe Replacement Kirk With Real Hair. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: No pants rule in danger Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2006 14:46:16 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > from now on, Fred will do half of the cooking and cleaning, but he also > > gets to do half the interior decoration. So when the two of you get home, > > he's going to put up Harley-Davidson wallpaper on two walls out of every > > four, then partially cook you a nice romantic dinner." > > But does Solomon use a samurai sword or a ninja sword to cut the > half-cooked meat, and does he slice it with or against the grain? Neither. All Asians know that you can always slice your steak at the table with your chopsticks, unless you're a total round-eye. > And what was that book of stories about a Chinese boy's Confucius-like uncle > or grandfather that I read back in third grade with a version of the same > story? I think that was the one where Old Master Q set up a marital-counseling clinic. They used that scenario in the third Shaw Brothers movie about Old Master Q, "The Five Venoms Meet Big Potato". > It was where I learned the word "kimono" without learning that it > didn't mean anything in Chinese. And "wasabi" means nothing in America. Stupid Americans and their kosher horseradish that isn't even as green as cheap potato chips. -- K. If you had read the rest of the book, you'd know that real wasabi is made on the same machine they use to make Lardo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: No pants rule in danger Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2006 14:37:46 -0500 Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > In about a half hour I will go take a shower and get dressed > in my working pair of jammies because hey, let's not take this > rolling out of bed and going-to-work-unbathed stuff too far now. You should just do what sensible people do and sleep at work. > I'll dry my hair then bend over at the waist and rough > it up real good then stand back up and hairspray the wildness. > I've no idea how well this will work so my backup plan will > be to just wad it up carelessly in a band on top of my > head. Though I have lots of hair it's somewhat fine and as > a result doesn't hold styles for very long before it begins > to droop into it's normal state of submissive conservatism. Uh oh, I think you just got Al Franken to wind up his spanking machine for no good reason. Now you have to find him a submissive conservative or the springs will stay wound up and snap, killing fifty. Hmm, what if we slipped some Oxycontin into Rush Limbaugh's beer? Sincerely, The Version Of Mark Russell Who's Less Unfunny Because He Doesn't Know How To Play Ragtime Songs On A Piano. > If I end up looking like a witch so much the better I say! Just remember, if you want to be a feminist witch, follow Mark Borchardt's lead and pronounce it "co-ven" so it doesn't rhyme with "oven". Also, if any of your spellcasting gear has a name like "zironing board" you may want to change that too. I wish he'd make more movies. Hey, they'd be better than "Bewitched". > [...] I could very well end up looking like Pebbles Flintstone > so I have a chicken bone on hand to complete the ensemble > should I need to stick the bone atop my head. Okay, Sideshow Terri. Say hi to Krusty for me. Also, can you get me Moe's phone number? I want to ask him to speak to "G. Thatgodzillamoviesuckedalmostasmuchasbewitched". -- K. Or if you decide you'd rather be Pebbles, just tell Gazoo he ruined a show that was already pretty lame to start with. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Yet another Bad Idea is announced for the big bad screen! Date: Sun, 29 Oct 2006 05:58:14 -0500 [www.darkhorizons.com] -> -> Rogue Pictures has begun plans for a feature film remake of -> "Faces of Death", the series of cult gory snuff videos that were -> big hits in the 1970s and '80s reports the trades. As opposed to "Feces of Death", which you can get at McDonalds. Well, technically, two hours after McDonalds. -> The films explicitly depicted the gruesome and varied ways -> people and animals can die via explicit footage that many -> viewers believed to be real, including a famous scene in which -> live monkey brains were served to diners at a restaurant. The new version will have even more product placements for McDonalds! And, for the first time, you'll actually see Ronald McDonald without his skin! IN McSMELLOVISION! -> The films were banned in several countries and became something -> of an urban legend until it was revealed the deaths were most, -> if not all faked. And then all interest in the films stopped, leading to the necessity to make a $100,000,000 movie out of them to get people interested in them, but that'll prevent them from needing to make the movie, which will cause them to have to make the movie, leading to the fabric of space-time being destroyed by the Faces Of Dead Grandfathers Paradox familiar to all readers of snuff science fiction, or as Forrest Ackerman calls it, sci-uff. -> Six films in all were produced. Hey, cool, apparently my entire collection of thousands of crappy videotapes thrown out by Blockbuster are all "films" now. Len Cella's "Moron Movies"? That's a film. Corey Haim's "Me, Myself, And I"? Film. Larry "Bud" Melman's "Couch Potato Workout"? Film. Everything's a film now! Except "Star Trek: The Motion Picture". It's now "Star Trek: The Motion Picture Made Of Film That's Not Just Videotape". You can see it at a cinema near you but only if you pronounce it "cin-AY-ma" just to be more pretentious than people who call movies "films". -> The remake would not be a faux documentary, rather a -> straightforward film. But to anyone dumb enough to believe that the bear attack in "Faces Of Death" was real, every movie is a documentary! "I'm gonna make my own Death Star and if I make it the same shape as the one in the movie I can fly it around because it could fly in the movie! I just gotta make it the same kind of round, you know, the kind of round what got no corners!" -> J.T. Petty is attached to direct. Meanwhile, I'm working on my new project, "ATTACHED to a BAD IDEA!" You'll see a guy get attached to a bad idea by Krazy Glue! A guy will be attached to a bad idea with staples! A guy will get attached to a bad idea with the opposite of that surgery they use to separate Siamese twins! I'm going to make this movie real soon, because I am attached to this bad idea by a special magnet that only attacts bozos! -- K. DEAR HOLLYWOOD, HIRE ME TO WRITE YOUR MOVIES. IF YOU WANT TO STOP SUCKING SO HARD, YOU BETTER START SUCKING MY DICK. SINCERELY, A GUY WHO'S NEVER EVEN SEEN "FACES OF DEATH". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Yet another Bad Idea is announced for the big bad screen! Date: Sun, 29 Oct 2006 09:34:55 -0500 From The Other Universe! Lines that I could've deleted from my article while I was editing the rough draft! It's comments I wouldn't have posted if I had thought of them! They're bad ideas about bad ideas! Earlier today, I wrote: > > [www.darkhorizons.com] > -> > -> Rogue Pictures has begun plans for a feature film remake of > -> "Faces of Death", the series of cult gory snuff videos that were > -> big hits in the 1970s and '80s reports the trades. I could've said "Yeah -- the ROUGH trades!" But oh no I didn't. > -> The films explicitly depicted the gruesome and varied ways > -> people and animals can die via explicit footage that many > -> viewers believed to be real, including a famous scene in which > -> live monkey brains were served to diners at a restaurant. I could've said "I prefer those videos where people die via implicit footage, and sometimes by logical induction!" But oh no I didn't. > -> The films were banned in several countries and became something > -> of an urban legend until it was revealed the deaths were most, > -> if not all faked. I could've said "The most disgusting moment was at the end of the last film, where they showed the death of Bob Hope, and then it turned out it was fake and he's still alive, terrorizing the country!" But oh no I didn't. > -> Six films in all were produced. I could've said "...but they were on viewers' eyeballs, and it turned out that the slogan 'The Movies That Give You Cataracts!' didn't lead to boffo box-office receipts." But oh no I didn't. > -> The remake would not be a faux documentary, rather a > -> straightforward film. I could've said "I heard they just changed it from a straightforward film to a picture of a cucumber shoving Michael Jackson up its ass, because it's now a gaybackward film." But oh no I didn't. > -> J.T. Petty is attached to direct. I could've said "MORE LIKE... J.T... *POTTY!!!*" in a silly voice while flailing my arms and riding a tiny tricycle in a circle during a performance of Cirque du Bennyheuil. But hell yeah I didn't, after a consortium of Internet billionaires took up a collection and paid me three dollars not to. -- K. My next brilliant idea is "Faces Of Darth", where every day Darth Vader has to wear a mask shaped like a different Internet smiley. In the first episode, Darth Vader has to look like ";-)" all day, and then in the second he's all ":-P"... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: For Posterity Date: Sun, 29 Oct 2006 06:32:16 -0500 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol01@notthisverizon.net) wrote: > > > > In my day it was COBOL or FORTRAN -- now *they* were languages, ya > > danged whippersnappers! You kids weaned on BASIC had it EASY! > > I learned BASIC (1968) before I learned FORTRAN (1969) or COBOL (1970). I learned Fortran 33 in 1933, Fortran 66 in 1966, Chessmaster 3000 in 3000, and Modula-1 in the year 1. My experience working with mainframes in 1 AD means I'm a better programmer than anyone, including that Jesus guy who didn't even learn COBOL before they nailed him to that big plus sign. Anyone who disagrees that I'm a better programmer than Jesus needs to show me proof in the form of something like that awesome program Richard Pryor wrote in "Superman III" except written by Jesus and also he should fight Superman because that movie wouldn't suck even if they wasted Richard Pryor's talent in it. Superman would beat up Jesus while programming the Atari 800 Assembler Editor cartridge with his other hand even though it always crashed whenever you tried to trace a program that used a particular one of the only two registers. And then Superman would go back in time and punch anyone who made procmail's syntax the way it is. > Get OFFA MY LAWN, YOU KID!11!! We don't take kindly to people who have newfangled "lawns" here in 1 AD. Once I finish combing the red shoe brush growing out of my hat I'll have you boiled in garum. And all your programming teachers will be impaled on C pointers, and their families will be nailed to giant plus signs unless they send me a three-by-five card with the entire contents of /dev/yes written on it. This makes only the second time in human history that /dev/yes has been used as an excuse for violence, the first being during that episode of "Mork & Mindy" that came immediately after the final episode where Mork and Mindy travelled back to caveman times. In this imaginary episode, Mork gave the cavemen /dev/yes but then their cave filled up with yesses and the yesness overflowed and covered the Earth completely and drowned everyone except two of every animal and Noah and Noah's wife and the narrator who wrote all that stuff down but there were still only two people because Noah's wife was really just a blowup doll running a modified copy of Eliza. "TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE WANT TO RUB MYRRH ON ME," she says right on a Bible page that you can only access by poke'ing 255 into the memory location that bank-swaps the Old Testament for the Alternate Testament. -- K. BASIC will never become a powerful language until they put the line numbers back. Also they need to make the BASIC Stamp microcontrollers in more decorator colors to catch up to the ADM3A. P.S. Also, if you want to call me the biggest nerd in the world, in the "Star Trek II" DVD's text commentary track, Mike Okuda claims Admiral Kirk's beloved antique PET 2001 is a Commodore 64. As I have now bragged about finding a mistake of fact in a "Star Trek" DVD text commentary track, I am a bigger nerd than you and Jesus combined. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: For Posterity Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2006 19:41:11 -0500 Chris McGonnell (smeagol01@notthisverizon.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > As I have now bragged about finding a mistake of fact in a > > "Star Trek" DVD text commentary track, I am a bigger nerd than > > you and Jesus combined. > > Okay, you're a bigger nerd than me, Robert Carradine, Stephen Furst, > Professor Frink, Carl Sagan, Bill Gates and Jesus combined. > > Happy? Happiness? Ah, yes, one of your jock emotions. You know, it was not until science perfected the Grand Unified Theory Of Nerds Vs. Jocks that it was proven that everyone hated Howard Cosell because he was a nerd and a jock at the same time. However, there is a level beyond jockness, which is pure Neanderthalness -- people who have only gotten halfway through evolving a human skull, but can't even play sports well. You know, like Gene Rayburn, Ernest Borgnine, and Tie Domi. Fortunately Borgnine managed to use his talent to become loveable and huggable, thanks in part to stealing his last name from "Star Trek: Voyager" in an effort to use some nerdiness to dilute his Neanderthal heritage. So what's at the opposite end of the spectrum? ??????? -------- nerds -------- jocks -------- Neanderthals I'm guessing that whatever it is, it always refers to itself by its full Latin name. -- K. I'm good at sports, if you count nerd sports. Did you know that the score counter on "WarioWare: Twisted" doesn't go past 999? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: good girls and boys Date: Sun, 29 Oct 2006 09:05:43 -0500 In sci.physics and sci.astro, kurtstocklmeir@earthlink.net wrote: > > I guess > > God and I are writing a book. I do not know if people will ever see > it. If there is a book only girls and boys who are good can buy it. Yay! I'm pre-ordering it on Amazon.com right now. Uh oh. The only problem is that because I bought your book, that means I'm good. Waah! I wanted to stay evil! Your book totally ruined my evilness when it was published sometime in the future! It _is_ going to be listed on Amazon.com, isn't it? Because all the scientists in the world need to study the "People who bought Kurt Stocklmeir's Very Special Book also bought these books:" section. Assuming, of course, that your book isn't only bought by people who have never before bought a book, and after reading your book they decide never to try reading anything ever again. I assume that if that's the case, Amazon will put up some sort of cutesy little graphic saying "Sorry, people who liked Kurt's book never bought any other books because they can't read." > any person who has read articles of bad people can not buy the book - > if they do there will be extra curses against them and their family What if it's a pop-up book and we accidentally pull too hard on the tabs and rip them so we can no longer make the magic toast pop out of the magic toaster over and over? What level of your Hierarchy Of Heritable Curses is inhabited by people who have trouble with pop-up books? And if it is a pop-up book, nobody will be able to buy it from Amazon because modern Web browsers all block pop-ups. You may have to change your book to a super-sneaky pop-under book. "PULL THE TAB TO CLICK THE MONKEY!" I can easily imagine that book selling a million copies to General Abacha's widow. > bad people do not get a lot of good things - if a bad person gets a > thing that is good the thing will be cursed for them Your theology needs more Venn diagrams. Come to think of it, all theologies need more Venn diagrams, in the same way all movies need more ninjas. Even the movie "Ninja Ninjas In The Ninja Garden Of Ninjatacular Ninjaness" needs more ninjas. Venn diagrams are the ninjas of mad science. Even Woody Allen likes Venn diagrams! So get out your colored pencils and start Venning, Kurt. When you curse me, do I have to stay in a football-shaped sliver or can I stay in one of the roomier crescent-shaped lobes? (Nobody has ever drawn a Venn diagram with perfectly equal-area compartments, not even a famous musician's Venn-diagram obsessed twin, Venndy Carlos.) > Kurt Stocklmeir I am now pretending that your name is a really weird Venn diagram where the "o" is full of all the science in the world and the dot over the "i" is your brain. Maybe if you changed the spelling of your name you could find a way to dip your brain in science. -- K. I heard that if you pay for Ballantine ale with a MasterCard you can go back in time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: In the presence of GENIUS. Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2006 19:29:16 -0500 ericboesch@gmail.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > I think if you want sharp mustard, you have to grind the mustard seeds > > yourself, because apparently it starts decomposing once you grind it > > and refrigerate it. > > no thats not what i want. whats the internet for if i have to do stuff > myself anyhow but thanks anyway. You are a very special person, so I'm not going to tell you what I would have said to a _normal_ person who attempted to say something that special. Anyway, you win. You figured out the purpose of the Internet, so now we can turn it off and put up the next immersive-reality game. The next one's about making me the President. -- K. I'll grind your mustard for you for $20. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Leather Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2006 20:20:23 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > I saw an ad for leather jackets last week, and thought, "Why not?". > So I tootled off to JC Penney's looked over their half-price jackets, > and came out with a nice, heavy, black jacket with liner, and an inner > "cell phone pocket" (for whatever THAT is worth...). Leather jackets are always at least 50% off. This is because their "normal" retail prices are so horribly inflated (despite that they're made from industrial waste) that only a sucker would pay $280 for one at Wilson's. (Anything you see at Wilsons can be had from leatherup.com for about a quarter the price.) A fair price for a black leather biker jacket is $50-$90. (A racing jacket with wacky segmented shoulder pads and Tingler-shaped spinal armor will cost far more.) I think I paid $60 for my first bomber jacket at Sears, and $50 for my first biker jacket at a used-clothing store (before I knew I could mail-order new ones for that price. Whoever owned this jacket before me would have paid close to $200 for it because it has a Wilson's tag in it. I don't know why they got rid of their barely-used expensive jacket, maybe the person who was never getting smarter was getting fatter.) > They had brown and black - no weird colors (if you don't count > brown), and several styles, most of which looked like big leather > trashbags with zippers and/or fleece collars. Stay away from any bomber jackets that have fleece (real or faux). Remember that you can't just put a leather jacket in the washing machine, so when that fuzz picks up several months' worth of neck sweat you're going to have a filthy gross collar and then all the kids on the playground will point at you and chant "RING AROUND THE COLLAR!" and then the guy at the Chinese laundry will offer to clean it with his "ANCIENT CHINESE SECRET!" which won't work because the Calgon would make the whole jacket shrink to Teddy Ruxpin size. > The thing that I found most intriguing, however, was the anti-theft setup. > > Each jacket had a jumper-cable-like clamp attached to a pocket, and > the clamp was hooked into an Ethernet-looking socket. There were > entire banks of sockets on the display rack, with circular-key > switches to enable/disable the security. > > Now I wonder: > > 1. How well will my new jacket do off life support. Fine, as long as it can feed off your body secretions. Remember, leather is living skin as long as your jacket is sticking to your body. > 2. Will I be subjected to random shocks when I wear the jacket? That depends. Did you buy a leather straitjacket? > 3. Can I use this jacket to jump start my car and/or startle my > cow-orkers? If you know how to wear your leather, you can make _any_ leather item startle your co-workers. Even something as simple as leather socks or as tiny as leather contact lenses. > 4. Does my jacket have an IP address, and should I worry about > viruses? Dude, go wireless. Unless you're looking for a jacket to match your bra. > 5. Does this thing look cool, or what? > > http://tinyurl.com/ykymos > > Also ended up with a new pair of leather sandals, which are comfy and > go well with my "Hermit" costume, You misspelled "Gladiator". > which is also shown on the same web page. > > Unfortunately, this means I now have both Topsiders and Birkenstocks > sharing a closet. I fear for the health of my wingtips, should the > wingtips stir up any trouble... I want them to start making Birkenstocks and Earth Shoes out of real leather just to make hippies cry. Hippies hate leather but leather hasn't been doing its part to hate them back. By the way, if this is your first leather jacket, don't forget to buy a little bottle of leather conditioner. (It's basically grease. If you can't find a store that has the tiny little jugs of Lexol, you can get leather conditioner real cheap in the horse-tackle department of your local pet store.) Wiping the outside of jacket down with the conditioner will make it last a lot longer not to mention it gives you an excuse to stand in front of a mirror while you're rubbing yourself all over. Unless it's a straitjacket, in which case you'll probably need to ask a friendly policeman for help. Just be sure he's a friendly policeman and not a real one. -- K. What are Topsiders? Is it some pejorative term used by you Mole People when the rest of us annoy you by walking around on the Earth's crust all day? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Leather Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2006 00:02:07 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Wiping the outside of jacket down with the conditioner will > > make it last a lot longer not to mention it gives you an excuse to > > stand in front of a mirror while you're rubbing yourself all over. > > We rubs on the lotion, we does... I recently saw the movie "Hard Candy", and the problem with "Hard Candy" is that none of the dialogue was as quotable as "It puts the lotion on its body or it gets the hose!" or "I'ma get medieval on your ass!" or "There's no love in your punches!" or "If you hold out too long, you could jeopardize your credit rating!" or "Many brave men died to bring it back from the Galaxy Of Pleasure!" By the way, since this ties in to that thread where someone (who might have been YOU!) asked about movies that showed women having their nipples cut off, you might consider that William Shatner was once Hollywood's reigning scream queen, and the most blood that "Star Trek" ever showed was in "Amok Time" when Spock sliced right across Kirk's nipples with that giant McDonalds coke spoon, so does that count? The only problem is that Chekov was the one who always screamed like a girl, such as when he touched the acid flower in "The Way To Eden", when he saw the corpse in "The Deadly Years", when he went insane in "The Tholian Web", when they locked him in the agony booth in "Mirror, Mirror", when the Klingons used a pocket agonizer on him in "Day Of The Dove", when the plasma discharge burned his hand in the first movie, when the brain-slug chewed through his head in the second movie, and when he saw Uhura's naked fan dance in the fifth movie. Therefore, your theory is invalidated because Chekov never injured his nipples on "Star Trek". (That's reason #3 on the checklist in the form rejection letter the Nobel committee sends out.) > > What are Topsiders? > > I think they are shoes for Republicans - they're marketed as boat > shoes, for people who actually have boats. I don't have a boat, so I > have to wear them in the shower while washing all that pesky ink from > the top half of the Constitution. They moved the Bill Of Rights to before all that stuff about bicamerality? How did they do that? Did they pass an Amendment which renumbered the other ones counting backwards from Negative Roman Number One, and if so, what was the number of the Amendment which renumbered all Amendments that didn't renumber themselves? -- K. Also, will science ever find a difference between "that" and "which"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Leather Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2006 14:14:11 -0500 "Otto Bahn" (ei@eio.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > They moved the Bill Of Rights to before all that stuff about bicamerality? > > How did they do that? > > It's a Living Document. They can hardly keep up with it, > it is growing up so fast, not unlike the nephew that you > only visit about once a year. "My! How you have grown! > You were only *this* tall when I saw you last." So all these kids in a movie theater are watching some cheesy old horror movie, and suddenly the screen is blotted out by giant letters saying "HANCOCK", and everybody screams as the enormous Constitution oozes out of the projection booth and starts eating people, and Oliver Wendell Holmes has a cameo as the guy who shouts "FIRE!" in the crowded theater to get ace firefighter Steve McQueen to come rushing in and blow up the water tanks on the roof of the hundred-story theater so that the flood will wash all the ink off the Constitution and then Steve McQueen and Paul Newman spend the rest of the movie arguing about who gets top right billing and who gets bottom left billing and which of them gets to wear an "L" on their shirt so you can tell them apart and then Lenny and Squiggy show up and all the characters move to Hollywood and so do all their neighbors because this was back when stalking was still hilarious. > The problem with the Constitution now is that it thinks > with its penis, and thus the pages are all stuck together. > This caused the Bill Of Rights to be transferred in reverse > to the executive branch. It's really quite simple if you > don't think about it, which most people don't, so there > you go. What I'd like to ask Judge Holmes is, would it be okay to burn a flag if it was made from the skin of terrorists? If not, how would we determine whether or not the terrorists win? It seems like figuring out whether the terrorists win is even harder than deciding who wins a pro wrestling match! -- K. "El Santo vs Al-Qaeda vs The Aztec Mummy", coming up next right here on channel 14. Your source for news, right between the "Tennessee Tuxedo" reruns and the badly-dubbed movie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Ninjas in pajamas, coming down the stairs (was: Leather) Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2006 20:35:24 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > > > > Yes that's right, I'm going to work wearing pajamas. I couldn't find > > any with feet in them so I settled for a yellow pair with > > monkeys printed on them made of a thermal underwear material. > > One of us will look stoopid on Halloween and it won't be you. > > Our monthly mandatory group meeting has a different theme for every > month. November's is Pajama Party. We have to show up in the morning > for this meeting in pajamas, but we have to have clothes to change > into before we head out to our schools to do our real jobs after the > stupid meeting is over. Sometimes I really hate my bosses. Every > time they decide we need to bond, I end up needing to barf. The great thing about wearing a ninja outfit is that if a pajama party breaks out, all you have to do is take off the hood and you're all set. The only problem is that if you follow the manufacturer's directions for your shinobi shozoku, you got dressed like so: 1. Pull the inner hood on. 2. Put the outer hood over the inner hood and tie the string around your neck really tight. 3. Put the jacket over the bottom of the hood. 4. Put the trousers over the bottom of the jacket and fasten them by tying square knots in the waist straps and knee straps and ankle straps. ...so, if you did everything right, when time comes to put your hood back on, you have to strip naked just so the hood can go on first. Well, actually, you should keep your shoes on, because the trousers have to go over them. I also failed to mention that you need to put the arm-guards on before the jacket, and they each have an elastic loop that goes around your choice of whichever finger you never need to use again. You will have no real pockets, and since the trousers are tied on, if you're wearing normal trousers underneath just for the pockets you're still going to have trouble getting at those. Plus people stare at you funny when you spend five minutes trying to get your hand down the front of your trousers if you're dressed as a ninja. The downside to dressing as a ninja is that taking a pee takes forever. The upside is that you get the best reactions when you walk up behind someone in the restroom and they look up from the sink and see you in the mirror. Anyway, Paula, I highly recommend you get them to have a "Ninja Day" and tell them where to get the obnoxiously complicated uniforms because I bet the folks would find them such a nuisance that it would kill off these stupid dressup days forever. Then in the future when nobody else is dressing up, you could show up in a cool costume and blow their minds. -- K. Fun fact: One of my ninja outfits has this brand name: "WACOKU". I think the Asian sweatshop that made it simply mistyped "U WACKO". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Leather Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2006 00:15:48 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Kibo would rip on me unmercilessly if I posted a photo of myself > > wearing a leather jacket, how come you get off unscathed? > > 1. Because I'm keeyute? You are? Now I regret not looking at your picture. There was stuff on TV. I stand by my decision. > 2. Because it matters to you if you get ripped by Kibo? Ewww. Keep your "goatse.timchmielewski" fantasies to yourself, pervert. It's all fun and games until someone goes to the emergency room with a rip you can store a duffel bag in. > 3. Because Kibo just hasn't gotten around to it yet? SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO WATCH TV!!! > 4. Because sometimes a leather jacket is just a leather jacket? Unless it's made of vegan pleather, which is like real leather except when you get it wet it doesn't shrink, it just turns into Lipton Cup-A-Soup. > 5. Because he was called away to Orion at the last minute, but this > issue will be stewing in his brain while he travels at relatavistic > speeds, thus guaranteeing a truly flamtabulous ripping when he returns > in three years? I'd never go to Orion. The weather's too bad. The wind blows so hard that you keep getting fooled into thinking you saw two snowflakes that looked alike when really it was just one being blown all the way around the planet to go past you twice before it hit the ground. > 6. Doidy? > 7. Wox-wox? Some days I wonder how Robin Williams feels about the fact that millions of people spend their entire life fantasizing about running up to him and yelling "SHAZBOT!!!" I'll have to ask him about that if I ever meet him. Like, "HEY MORK, DO YOU FEEL LIKE A NIMNUL WHEN PEOPLE YELL SHAZBOT?" 'Cause if it turns out that he's sensitive about that, then I shouldn't do it a second time. I'm happy that "doidy" and "woxwox" (which, by the way, is not hyphenated) have caught on and are the hot new catchphrases of the '90s. The only problem is that I keep having nightmares that the laws of physics will spontaneously change so that "doidy" becomes the word that will destroy the Universe if even spoken (instead of "urlap") so I would have to spend the rest of my life telling everyone not to say "doidy". By the way, the Universe didn't hear me say "urlap" because I have the TV on really loud. -- K. "Oh, Mork! You destroyed the whole Universe!" "Shazbot!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Leather Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2006 00:20:25 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > [to Mark Edwards] > > Kibo would rip on me unmercilessly if I posted a photo of myself wearing a > leather jacket, how come you get off unscathed? Because _he_ didn't tell us he was turned down for that job at Leather Tuscadero's Leathery Leathertopia Of Leathertastic Leather. (Better luck next fetish.) And what makes you think I wouldn't have something to say if you posted a photo of yourself _not_ wearing a leather jacket? -- K. I would like to announce I have never been turned down for a job at a leather-novelties store. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: God creates justice Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2006 23:48:39 -0500 In sci.physics and sci.astro, kurtstocklmeir@earthlink.net wrote: > > I guess > > time, space and the vacuum have a negative temperature > > time, space and the vacuum have a negative spring constant So is a negative spring constant the same as a fall constant? And is this fall constant the reason why on the Internet, September never ends? > God sends to me theories. The theories are pure. > > I would like to know who is good to the amount that they can talk about > theories of God. The theories are cursed for people. It's time to win fabulous prizes on the favorite game show of all scientists in the world, "CREATE-A-NEQUATION"! (a) is/are (b) for (c): (a) (b) (c) Fonzie bowling dollars Mark Rothko cruisin' a bruisin' The Juiceman jonesin' nectar Elsie The Cow gay pay Jamiroquai unsafe any speed Cousin Oliver delicious breakfast Orson Welles hot Fonzie The theories cursed people Fill in the blanks and the person who chooses the combination that makes the most sense will win this all-expenses-paid trip to the Moon -- the SPACE Moon! Once we finish building the Space Staircase, the winner will be allowed to walk all the way up it any time they want! > Kurt Stocklmeir Sorry, that wasn't one of the choices, and you forgot the other two columns. I'm afraid you lose, so I'm going to tell the Moon's bouncer not to let you walk up the staircase. -- K. You didn't even win the consolation prize, a walk up the Stairway To The Sun. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Short shameful confession. Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2006 02:18:38 -0500 Okay, I admit it: I was the Masked Magician. -- K. And Replacement Paul was the walrus. His wife is divorcing him because she just figured out he's not Paul, he's a sort of sad-eyed Muppet controlled a team of tiny clones of Jim Henson. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Halloween costume statistics Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2006 03:47:19 -0500 Important data from the National Retail Federation. [www.nrf.com] -> -> 2006 Top Kids' Costumes # of Children -> -> 1 Princess 11.5% 3,971,023 -> -> 2 Pirate 5.0% 1,721,948 At last, scientific proof that girls are 2.3 times as conformist as boys! Except for girl pirates and boy princesses. They're conformist in a special way. -> 3 Witch 4.8% 1,651,664 This number is actually sharply down from previous years, thanks to this year's "Bewitched" movie. I mean, PEE-YOU. That was one where even the writers weren't interested enough to pay attention all the way through, since they never quite figured out which of Samantha's relatives were real and which were TV sitcom characters. Also, Will Ferrell's character was his usual idiot character, but Nicole Kidman was playing Rain Man, since there was that scene where she opens a dozen cans of Coke because she's fascinated by cans. It was right between the "Bed, Bath, & Beyond" shopping montage and the supermarket shopping montage. I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING ANY OF THIS UP AND REALLY THAT MOVIE SUCKED EVEN HARDER THAN YOU UNDOUBTEDLY ASSUMED IT DID. -> 4 Spider-Man 4.4% 1,511,097 -> -> 5 Superman 3.7% 1,265,105 And now science has proved who would win a fight between Spider-Man and Superman, at least if their super powers were limited to ownership of their marketing empires. -> 6 Disney Princess 3.1% 1,054,254 -> (Ariel, Belle, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Jasmine, Snow White) Disney now plans to re-release "Finding Nemo" under the title "Finding Princess Nemo" to trick little girls into dressing up like Goldfish crackers. -> 7 Power Ranger 2.9% 983,970 Breakdown by color, please! This isn't News You Can Use unless we know how kids feel about the Yellow Ranger constantly switching genders during the first season. -> 8 Pumpkin 2.2% 773,119 Other Types Of Squash 0.0% 0 -> 9 Cat 2.0% 702,836 Something I've always wondered: Why are cats more popular than dogs for Halloween costumes? It's more fun to dress up as a dog, because then you can pee on things instead of just ignoring everyone. -> 10 Vampire 1.5% 527,127 There's always a few umpires, too, since a lot of kids go trick-or-treating before they learn to spell. -> 11 Angel 1.4% 491,985 -> -> 12 Fairy 1.4% 491,985 "REASONS YOU STAPLE WINGS TO CHILDREN!" Sorry, I thought this was "The $25,000 Pyramid". If it isn't, then what's Dick Clark doing here? Oh, wait, it's just a kid dressed as Dick Clark. He's standing on my doorstep doing a 62-day countdown to New Year's. -> 13 Ninja 1.4% 491,985 Wait a minute. It's mathematically impossible for Power Rangers to be twice as popular than ninjas, given that Power Rangers are only one of the many types of ninjas! This was proven by Science Ninja Team Gatchaman! And although 1.4% of kids dressed as ninjas this year, still 30% of adults don't know what a ninja is. GROWNUPS ARE STUPID! -> 14 SpongeBob SquarePants 1.4% 491,985 Somewhere, there's one kid who prefers to dress up as Squidward. At school, he not only doesn't get to sit at the cool table, the other kids don't even let him sit on the cafeteria floor. He has to eat lunch in a toilet stall. And then he goes to his clarinet lessons. -> 15 Batman 1.3% 456,843 The makers of the movie "Adventures In Babysitting" would be interested to know that Thor was a tenth of a percent more popular than Batman, back at #13. -> 16 Cheerleader 1.3% 456,843 -> -> 17 Football Player 1.3% 456,843 In the future, the world will be divided into an equal number of cheerleaders and football players, once we implement my plan to eliminate all spectators! -> 18 Tinkerbell 1.3% 456,843 But what about other Disney Fairies? Like the Blue Fairy and the Fairy Godmothers and whoever designed Donald Duck's pantsless sailor suit? -> 19 Monster 1.2% 421,702 I think Cookie Monster would be the most efficient Halloween costume ever because you could yell "GIMME COOKIE! GIMME COOKIE!" without being rude. Then you'd get a whole bag of cookies in record time, and because you'd finish up early you'd have a chance to pick all the needles out of the cookies before bed. -> 20 Star Wars Character 1.2% 421,702 To quote Marge Simpson, "I'm a Star Wars!" And now, the big people: -> 2006 Top Adults' Costumes # of Adults -> -> 1 Witch 17.5% 6,150,666 There was one more chick who wanted to be a witch, but her local coven told her it would ruin things to have the number ending in "667". -> 2 Pirate 3.7% 1,305,566 -> -> 3 Vampire 3.7% 1,305,566 Uh-oh. The state of Florida is demanding a recount to break the pirate-vs-vampire tie, and thus we may have to endure Halloween until January. -> 4 Cat 2.6% 899,390 Does that include people dressed as a white tiger with a bloody little German doll in its mouth? 'Cause if so, that would be in very poor taste because he's not dead yet. People should wait until he's dead before they make fun of his tragedy. -> 5 Clown 1.8% 638,277 Funny Clown 0.0% 0 Seriously, clowns aren't funny. Anything's funnier than a clown, even a mime. Mimes are even funnier than dead clowns. -> 6 Fairy 1.6% 551,239 Number of people who missed Halloween to watch "I Love Lucy" reruns -- oh, never mind. Making fun of anyone who says "LOOK AT ME, I'M A FAAAAAIIIIIIRRRRRYYYY!" is almost as easy as mocking anyone who says "I'M NOT A FAAAAAAIIIIIIRRRRRRYYYYYY!" -> 7 Gypsy 1.6% 551,239 I'm told that dressing up as a Gypsy is considered politically incorrect, so now people dressed as Gypsies are called "hippies" and they walk around pointing walkie-talkies at people and they never say the word "penis-breath". -> 8 Superhero 1.6% 551,239 What about Batman? He's a hero but not a superhero because his only power is he likes to spend his money on costumes, just like all those dweebs who dress up as anything on Halloween, which means that 100.0% of people are dressed as Batman every Halloween therefore there shouldn't be an entry for the generic class of superheroes because there aren't any, just six billion Batmans. -> 9 Ghost/Ghoul 1.4% 493,214 Are there many people who spend the whole party whining, "Stop calling me a ghost! I'm a ghoul!"? -> 10 Dracula 1.3% 464,201 And 464,200 of them don't put as much effort into it as Forrest Ackerman. -> 11 Devil 1.2% 435,189 Hold it right there! No way is "Gypsy" more popular than "Devil". I've never seen a grown-up in a Gypsy costume, but I've made out with lots of guys in Devil costumes, especially at Halloween. -> 12 Woman of the Night 1.1% 377,163 That includes the two costumes, "Like Elvira, except less like a prostitute" and "Like Elvira, except more like a prostitute". -> 13 Nurse 1.1% 377,163 I don't see "Nun" anywhere on this list. Does this mean the list was compiled in one of those countries where nurses and nuns are the same thing? -> 14 Pumpkin 1.1% 377,163 Oddly enough, that's the exact number of people who also dressed up as a sign saying "DORK"! -> 15 Athlete 1.0% 348,151 That number's high because it includes anyone wearing their street clothes as long as they have athlete's foot. You know there's one at every party. -> 16 Princess 1.0% 348,151 -> -> 17 Zombie 1.0% 348,151 Hey, they just counted Princess Di twice. So now drag queens are even more horribly over-represented on this list than they already were. -> 18 Angel 0.8% 290,126 But the Devil is the Angel Of Darkness! Stop counting people twice! Or four times if Princess Di was secretly Satan! ...hmm, that explains that rarely-heard heavy-metal version of "Candle In The Wind '97". -> 19 French Maid 0.8% 290,126 I keep thinking a clever costume would be for a woman to wear a Mountie uniform with an apron and say "I'm a French-Canadian maid!" -> 20 Cowboy/Cowgirl 0.7% 261,113 "But the label just said 'Cowboy', not 'Cowboy/Cowgirl'!" -- Andy Dick -> [...] -> -> The consumer poll has a margin of error of plus or minus 1.0 percent. NOOOOO! That means there might only be a negative number of cowboys in the world, ruining the Village People forever! They'll have to replace him with an Athlete or a Star Wars Character! Come to think of it, that would be an improvement, 'cause Darth Vader would make any band good. Even the Brady Six. -- K. "When it's time to change, you've got to use the Force..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Halloween costume statistics Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2006 14:21:42 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > Pah! and double pah! > > They are trying to get this up in Austria now despite it having no > historical or cultural tradition in this country. It is just the result of > people watching too many sitcoms and wanting free candy. You don't want to spend a day dressing up in silly costumes to transform yourselves into cool magical beings? Did you people learn _anything_ from the Aborigines before you exterminated them? And what's this about not wanting free candy? Did your country go Communist again? Or worse, did you join Starfleet and agree to serve on a starship under the command of Captain Planet? The five ethnically-balanced kids from "Captain Planet" spit on you for dishonoring the Aborigines your ancestors slaughtered so they could take their digeridoos and sell them at Sharper Image. Shame, shame. -- K. You don't like Halloween, and yet you wanted to work at a leather-fetish store? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Halloween costume statistics Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2006 23:16:37 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And what's this about not wanting free candy? Did your country go > > Communist again? Or worse, did you join Starfleet and agree to serve > > on a starship under the command of Captain Planet? > > FIDEL CASTRO GIVES YOU CANDY! No he doesn't. He just tries to prove he's not dead by walking across a stage, but halfway across he falls down because he's 99.9999999% dead, and also he's always tired because his clothes are fatigues so he should really switch to wearing a jumper or a Speedo. Fidel Castro would have been a good Halloween costume for this year. It might also be a good one for next year, if he's still pretending he's not dead. You should try it, assuming Halloween hasn't been banned in Communist Australia along with any books the firemen haven't already burned. > > The five ethnically-balanced kids from "Captain Planet" spit on you > > for dishonoring the Aborigines your ancestors slaughtered so they > > could take their digeridoos and sell them at Sharper Image. Shame, > > shame. > > The only people I see on the street playing digeridoos are stinky > European backpackers. There was a cool Koori elder-type dude near the > train station who managed to say "thank you" whilst still playing, but > I haven't seen him for yonks. In Communist Australia, digeridoo plays you! > > You don't like Halloween, and yet you wanted to work at a > > leather-fetish store? > > It is bad enough that Australia had to follow the USA into a stupid and > useless war due to our cocksucker of a Prime Minister, it is even worse > that a whole generation of teenagers totally believe the bullshit as they > only know life under his government and are all starting to act like > Young American Republicans by default. So the government's trying to keep you from ever getting married? You should move to a free country, like... um... is New Zealand still your Canada? -- K. I hope you don't have to build a fence to keep your Mexico out, especially since your Tasmanian Mexicans would just buzz right through it, leaving trapezoidal holes. They'd be as fast as Speedy Gonzales but as destructive as the Tasmanian Devil, and not even Australia's Elmer Fudd could stop them. So, who's your Fudd? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY: Zen In One Very Easy Lesson (was: Comparing to meat debacle in Austria) Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2006 14:50:01 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I bit into it and it squirted me in the eye! ZEN IN ONE VERY EASY LESSON Then the student asked the master, "Why do you hit me whenever I ask this question? OW! Why do you hit me whenever I ask this question? OW! Why do you hit me whenever I ask this question? OW!" But the student never needed to be enlightened, because the master was already englightened. And that, boys and girls, is why Zen masters are evil. Of course, sometimes to outsiders Zen masters may seem like big meanies, but if you study the Way you will realize that people only hurt you to help you find the Way. Now c'mere so I can show you the sound of one hand clapping, but first, ask me who Fistface is. -- K. That's the great thing about Zen. It's the only school of philosophy you can completely study in just five minutes. Except for Kibology, which requires five minutes and twenty dollars. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: STORY: Zen In One Very Easy Lesson (was: Comparing to meat debacle in Austria) Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2006 15:09:05 -0500 Otto Bahn (ei@eio.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > ZEN IN ONE VERY EASY LESSON > > > > Then the student asked the master, "Why do you hit me whenever I ask > > this question? OW! Why do you hit me whenever I ask this question? > > OW! Why do you hit me whenever I ask this question? OW!" > > I'm borrowing your lesson plan for my own nefarious purposes. Okay, but remember, if the cops try to arrest you when you're smacking someone around in public in Attleboro, start screaming about how they're violating your Constitutional right of freedom of religion because Zen is just as real a religion as Kibology. Stupid Massachusetts. What good is letting men marry each other if they can't hit each other? How are we supposed to have our Fight Club meetings now? -- K. I say Brad Pitt should run for governor on the "Fight Club" platform. TYLER SAYS: VOTE FOR THE MAN WITH THE BEST SOAP. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Rectawl! Date: Sat, 04 Nov 2006 14:20:34 -0500 [www.mercurynews.com] -> -> Naked man arrested after pulling awl from rectum Uh-oh! "Awl" is today's secret word from our list of words which contain the "wl" combination! And you know what that means -- it's time for New Improved Two-Line Kontext-Away to de-rez all but the only two sentences which might become interesting once separated from all the others! Here goes: -> [...] -> -> Sheehan replied that he had hidden a screwdriver in his -> anal cavity, Horgan said. -> -> Unsure about what to do, police called for a fire engine. I just forgot, was I reading a news story or watching one of Scott Thompson's videos? It's too bad Jack Webb is dead, because this would be perfect for a crossover episode of "Adam-12" and "Emergency". "ONE ADAM TWELVE, SEE THE MAN'S RECTUM, CODE TWO." "FIFTY-ONE RAMPART, HANDLE THE AWL." And he could also work "Project UFO" into it because of the man's magic rectum that changed an awl into a screwdriver and back. Ow! -- K. And that man's name was... Eric Cartman! The End. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: things i want to know (ice cream sandwhiches) Date: Sun, 05 Nov 2006 22:46:01 -0500 "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > 1) Why did I used to believe that planes could never go above clouds? Well, in the future, when saucer-shaped hoverplanes are held up by laser beams, they won't be able to go above any sort of clouds or smoke. This is why they're trying to eliminate all smoking forever, because if you smoke a cigarette, you could make thousands of flying saucers crash. We're working hard to bring about a world in which there will never be another September 11th despite everyone having a flying car. > 2) Rudy Guilliani is going to be at the flea market Sunday afternoon. > Will this help or hinder my sales? That depends on whether you're selling 49% or 51% porn. (I only go to places that have 120% porn.) > 3) Why are gas station ice cream sandwhiches so much better then most > ice cream? (I normally would not get such a thing at a gas station but > it was either snack on -something- or head hurts worse. I chose the > snackage). Um, hate to tell you this, but you forgot to cook your gas station burrito. > 4) Why is Rudy Guilliani choosing a flea market as a political place? Because he wants to have a conversation with you about the fat-free frozen yogurt that made Jerry Seinfeld curse like a sailor and then the two of you can take turns eating frozen novelties in the gas station restroom. > 5) Does anyone have any of the stickers left from the Pokemon Snap > 64/Blockbuster Snap sticker machine thing? (Save neat game photos, > print them out at machine at Blockbuster Video). I heard those are an even better value for your money if you get them at the gas station. > 6) If you do, will you send them to me? I promise to write you three > vulgar limericks on the topic of your choice if you do. You'll also have to write four clean limericks or Giuliani's gonna get Giuliani on your ass with that gas station restroom's plunger. > 7) My half-full bottle of generic orange cleaner went missing somewhere > between Sunday afternoon and Saturday afternoon AKA Today. Do you think > somebody stole it and why? (It was in an easy position to steal, on the > floor near the side). Oh no! Now your generic oranges will be dirty! I hope you're at least putting brand name dirt on your generic oranges before trying to sell them to Jerry Seinfeld's Japanese friends. Maybe your bottle is somewhere in the back of your Karl Farbman dresser? > 8) Why could they have stolen the bottle that had the non-functioning > spray nozzle? (I was saving this to pour into the orange one when the > amounts were right). I just got an update on Giuliani. He's going to be three minutes late to the flea market because he has to stop at Duane Reade to pick up some Ritalin for someone who really needs it. > 9) Japan has a Pokemon subway train. An honest to go train people can > and do travel on. Do you think this is a sign of end times? Yawn. I rode two "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories" subway trains today. Well, actually, they could have been the same train, it's hard to tell because all the local Green Line trains have been covered in Grand Theft Auto ads. I've half a mind to buy a yellow grease pencil and turn them all into "Pac-Pix" trains. -- K. "LOOK OUT! THE HIDEOUSLY DEFORMED DOODLE CAME TO LIFE!"