From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Metal Man Say Long Pig Taste Completely Unlike Bac*Os Date: Fri, 10 Nov 2006 02:54:19 -0500 I'm too busy to check the group right now, so if twelve other people have already commented on this, I apologize for the fact that their comments are all lame compared to my comments. [www.southcoasttoday.com] -> -> [...] -> -> Researchers at NEC System Technologies and Mie University have -> designed a robot that can taste -- an electromechanical sommelier -> able to identify dozens of different wines, cheeses and hors d'oeuvres. Wow. Dozens of wines and cheeses. That must be all the ones there are! And at last, this robot solves the problem of how wine always comes in unlabelled bottles! "Is this red wine or white wine? I don't know! Quick, send in the Winotron!" -> [...] -> -> When a reporter's hand was placed against the robot's taste sensor, -> it was identified as prosciutto. A cameraman was mistaken for bacon. And you don't want to know what I rubbed on the robot until it cried "PLEASE NO MORE KIELBASA!!!" -- K. Gonna make it squeal like a Furby! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: ...motherfather Chinese buses... Date: Fri, 10 Nov 2006 04:21:55 -0500 There are a few tiny little bus companies which run buses between Boston's Chinatown and New York's Chinatown with low, low fares and low, low, low, low safety standards. I recently paid $30 for an eight-hour round trip on one of these Chinatown buses. I'll refer to the company only as "Fuh Kyu Bus" to avoid being sued, because now nobody can tell which sleazy bus line is the one I'm saying bad things about, Lucky Star Bus or Fung Wah Bus. I was disappointed that the bus never once exploded during my two four-hour rides. This year, one of the Fuh Kyu buses burst into flames while zipping down the Mass Pike, and a couple years ago the same thing happened, with the added bonus that the driver refused to stop because the passengers were only screaming "HELP! WE'RE ON FIRE!" in English, and then when he finally did pull over, he jumped out and ran away. (At that point, the passengers were probably more of a danger to him than the flames were.) I was also disappointed that my bus did not roll over. This year one of them tried to take an off-ramp at full speed and re-enacted the sort of incident that "CHiPs" always used to stage. While the police were on the scene, a replacement Fuh Kyu bus arrived, and the police refused to let them take the passengers on board because the driver didn't speak English (that's a requirement for a bus-driver license in Massachusetts, just in case a bus ever bursts into flames, which the Fuh Kyu buses do whenever they're not rolling over.) So, I made it to New York and back without even slightly dying, even though I went to White Castle in between two Fuh Kyu rides. A further disappointment is that I sat in the frontmost right-hand seat so I could watch the driver's speedometer (and also greatly increase my chance of fatal injuries in any sort of crash) but I couldn't determine how fast the bus was going on the Mass Pike because the speedometer only went up to 80mph. Yes, the bus actually pinned the needle a few times. Therefore I can't say precisely how fast they were going -- they could have been anywhere from 31mph to 999999mph past the 50mph bus speed limit. I felt like I was in some really lame eight-hour "MythBusters" episode where Beret Guy had to admit even he couldn't figure out just how fast a bus could go. (I also noted that a Yucky Scar bus and a Michael Jackson's Favorite Fictional Character bus passed us before we got up to full speed, and we never caught up.) As a result of my >80mph bus ride, I now laugh at the movie "Speed". We were seldom even close to the speed limit, even if you converted it to Metric. If Dennis Hopper had put that bomb on a Fuh Kyu bus, Keanu Reeves would have stayed completely calm, instead of trying to have a facial expression. I do wish to commend my Fuh Kyu driver for being careful to take a head count before abandoning anyone during the ten-minute rest stop at McDonald's. In other words, after being parked for fifteen minutes, he counted 36 people instead of 37, then asked "IS ANYBODY MISSING?", and because the missing person didn't use their awesome ventriloquist powers to throw their voice onto the bus to say "YES, I AM NOT HERE!", the driver told us that we were leaving without the slow person. (He really did speak English. I guess that meant I hadn't needed to spend the previous three days practicing yelling "I AM ON FIRE!" in both Mandarin and Cantonese.) Oh, and there was no toilet paper in the bus's restroom. All in all, it was a disappointingly non-lethal ride, and didn't even cost as much as the gas for an eight-hour car trip would have. I heartily endorse Fuh Kyu Bus for anyone looking to have a near-fatal bus ride without it actually being fatal. I haven't tried the competing Yucky Scar Bus, but I plan to stick with Fuh Kyu Bus for all my Chinatown-to-Chinatown travel needs. (And no way in hell am I ever riding with Michael Jackson's Favorite Fictional Character again -- last time there was much unpleasantness.) Since I survived, the Federal government will probably have to add a point to Fuh Kyu Bus's safety rating. The FedGov adds up a bunch of numbers to get a safety score for each bus company, and the sum should be 100. The published score for Fuh Kyu Bus is almost 100, if you just put the three digits in the opposite order. Really. They scored 1%, and I don't know what the test's margin of error is. Now you can see why I'm disappointed to have been in the tiny fraction of passengers who didn't get to experience the excitement of the bus spontaneously exploding like the other 99% of passengers. Fuh Kyu Bus's Web site says something about how during the trip, I was supposed to be given some sort of "token" I can put in the driver's "box" to indicate the ride was satisfactory and not deadly. However, there were no tokens and no box, so instead I have to tell the Internet that I would have given the guy a token for not killing me. I have no complaints whatsoever except for the complete lack of explosions, rollovers, ventriloquism, and toilet paper. I was happy with the velocity, as I wasn't the one who would have gotten the speeding ticket if we had been pulled over. If I had wanted a trip to New York to take more than four hours each way, I would've ridden Amtrak. -- K. The trip made "Speed" look as slow as that film Andy Warhol made where people were sitting on a bus for eight hours without anything happening. What was that called? Oh, right, "Magical Mystery Tour". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ...motherfather Chinese buses... Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 01:25:49 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I also noted that a Yucky Scar bus and a Michael Jackson's > > Favorite Fictional Character bus passed us > > ...Peter Pan? Mickey Mouse? Friendly Prosecutor? Grey Hound? A li'l > help here! I'll give you a clue: The bus line has the same name as a certain brand of World's Gayest Peanut Butter. > > (And no way in hell am I ever riding with Michael Jackson's > > Favorite Fictional Character again -- last time there was much > > unpleasantness.) > > Now you KNOW you'll have to cobble something together for us... IT'S COBBLERIN' TIME!!! Okay, so Homer Simpson thought of that before I did. But he can't take credit for it because he's fictional so I win. Stupid Homer thinks he can outsmart me! He doesn't even usually beat me at checkers! Anyway, REASONS I LIKE THE FUNG WAH BUS AND EVEN THE LUCKY STAR BUS (WHICH I HAVE NEVER RIDDEN) MORE THAN PETER PAN BUS LINES: 1. The Chinese buses have the courtesy to explode without any risk of you dying in a motorcoach named "Tinkerbell". I don't think those buses even have names, let alone sissy fairy Disney names. 2. The Chinese bus drivers go 80 miles an hour direct to the other city's Chinatown, unlike the Peter Pan drivers who take the bus wherever the hell they want while you're on it. The last one I was on had quite the detour (to some guy's house.) 3. The Chinese bus drivers usually don't speak English so you can do whatever you want without them yelling at you the way your elementary school bus driver did. The Peter Pan drivers not only speak English, but have the magical power to fly, so they can yell at you and then poop on your head. 4. The Chinese buses have toilets with doors, while on the Peter Pan buses you just have to pee in your seat, unless the previous passenger already did. 5. I like all one billion Chinese people better than I like the world's only living Michael Jackson. That's assuming you can even call him alive, I think at this point his Frankenface is at least 51% whalebone, or possibly scrimshaw. I would much rather take my chances on the exploding super-speedy Chinese buses than have anything to do with Peter Pan Bus Lines ever again, even though I don't think Michael Jackson actually knows they exist. 'Cause he's too busy riding that miniature train he has in his backyard, the one that goes from his bedroom to the Children's Petting Zoo. -- K. My theory is that the Fung Wah and Lucky Star buses exist solely to disprove the racist stereotype that all Chinese people drive at half speed. If Fung Wah and Lucky Star stay in business a few more years, eventually everyone will think only roundeyes drive under 75 miles per hour. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Shat-rageousness in the news Date: Fri, 10 Nov 2006 05:20:28 -0500 According to the commercials for it, William Shatner's new game show is "SHAT-RAGEOUS". That appears to be the only difference between it and "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" -- Shatner's show is fully "SHAT-RAGEOUS", whereas the other show was only regis-rageous when it started, and is now merely vierageous. If Shatner's game show catches on, expect another network to throw together a cheap knockoff -- "Mr. Spock's Logic Bowl" will be extremely "NIMOYING". At least until it's "VULCANCELLED". -- K. I will not stoop to making any comment about Walter Koenig saying, "Where are the nuclear wessels?" while dressed as Wanna Vhite. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Was the Space Shuttle programmed in Atari 2600 BASIC? Date: Fri, 10 Nov 2006 06:09:54 -0500 Again, I haven't had time to catch up on what other people have written, so please forgive me if everyone else has already said exactly the same thing in exactly the same way. [today.reuters.com] -> -> Computer glitch limits next shuttle launch -> Mon Nov 6, 2006 2:15 PM ET -> -> By Irene Klotz SHE SURE DOES! Unlike that other writer, Ima Hemofiliak! Okay, by making a name joke, I am now legally obligated to draw three cards from the Cheap Shot Bag... hmm... odd, they're all sticky. -> CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida (Reuters) -- A computer problem could force -> NASA to postpone next month's launch of shuttle Discovery until -> 2007 to avoid having the spaceship in orbit when the clock strikes -> midnight on New Year's Eve. ...because then it would turn into the world's fastest-orbiting pumpkin. -> The shuttle is due to take off from the Kennedy Space Center in -> central Florida on December 7 on a 12-day mission to continue -> construction of the half-built International Space Station. -> -> But if the launch is delayed for any reason beyond December 17 -> or 18, the flight likely would be postponed until next year, -> officials at the U.S. space agency said on Monday. -> -> To build in added cushion, NASA may move up the take off to -> December 6. If the Space Shuttle was really futuristic, it'd already have added cushions built into every seat, like those chairs in "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" that had a separate pad for every single muscle in Shatner's butt so that he wouldn't complain about asteroids. Hey, these cards are even stickier. Has somebody been eating grape jelly in my Cheap Shot Bag? -> "The shuttle computers were never envisioned to fly through a -> year-end changeover," space shuttle program manager Wayne Hale told -> a briefing. Rocket scientists spend all their time imagining what it would be like to shine a laser pointer into a black hole, or to shake an Etch-A-Sketch in zero gravity, so they forget little things like the fact that it's possible for a multi-day mission to last more than one day. And then the Space Shuttle goes off course and Hillary Swank has to land it in Los Angeles's Frank Poncharello Memorial Drainage Canal, due to NASA's administrators having gone back to Metric without telling anyone. Uh oh. Now I have to draw eight cards from The "CHiPs"/"Brazil"/"The Core" Crossover Fan-Fic Bag. Hey, the last person who used it got grape jelly and lube all over it! But seriously, the Space Shuttle is an amazing piece of engineering, by far the most sophisticated piece of space hardware ever built. So why is its software inferior to the average disposable wristwatch? I guess they never noticed this problem during any of the mission simulations because everyone at NASA was too busy using the control room for wild ginger ale parties every New Year's Eve. The first Shuttle flew over 20 years ago. That's a long time to go without bothering to fix the calendar so that it knows there's something after December. Even the clock on my microwave oven gets set at least once every twenty years, and that's _hard_. -> After the 2003 accident involving space shuttle Columbia, NASA -> started developing procedures to work around the computer glitch. But first they need to re-orient the Hubble Space Telescope to find out just how far the Horsehead Nebula is beyond the Barn Door Nebula. Is this article actually insinuating that Columbia burned up because the Y2.003K Bug digitally caused that chunk of foam to rip a hole in its heat shield? If so, this could explain why all those Sony laptop computer batteries caught fire. Because of the calendar. The computer was thinking about a number with a zero in it, so the batteries burst into flame, and it's a good thing that other brands of computers never think about numbers with zeroes in them. -> But NASA managers still do not want to launch Discovery knowing it -> would be in space when the calendar rolls over to January 1, 2007. 'Cause in space, calendars are all stretchy and squishy due to Relativity stuff. Einstein's theory of Relativity Stuff says that time is distorted when you go really fast, eat something bigger than your head, or drink beer through a straw. -> The problem, according to Hale, is that the shuttle's computers do -> not reset to day one, as ground-based systems that support shuttle -> navigation do. Instead, after December 31, the 365th day of the -> year, shuttle computers figure January 1 is just day 366. WORST CALENDAR PROGRAM EVER. I mean, seriously, sucky programming. I see two possible fixes for this, assuming that the budget doesn't allow them to add a line of code: 1.) They could extend the mission to 65,536 days because if it's an unsigned short int then it would roll over to 0 and then the next day the astronauts would be back on schedule after their short vacation. 2.) They could just change January 1's wacky wakeup call from saying "Rise and shine, it's January 1!" to "Rise and shine, it's December 32!" I'm not sure which celebrity they'd ask to yell that into the microphone. Do you think Kevin Federline knows what a "32" is? And now I have to draw one card from the First Time I Ever Mention K-Fed Bag, and two cards from the Last Time I Will Ever Mention K-Fed Bag. -> NASA is under pressure to complete at least 14 more shuttle flights -> to finish the $100 billion International Space Station before the -> aging shuttle fleet is retired in 2010. Isn't the problem not retiring them, but retiling them? Maybe they just confused the two because Congress hired people from Fung Wah Bus to set NASA's schedule. "Who cares if the Shuttle's speedometer only goes up to 80,000mph? We'll pin that little needle 'cause we can! With space navigation it doesn't matter exactly how fast you're going, as long as you get there early!" Most of NASA's problems could be solved by not letting the government tell them what to do. Also the government should give them more money so they can do lots of cool stuff without the government telling them what to do. -> (c) Reuters 2006. All rights reserved. Republication or -> redistribution of Reuters content, including by caching, framing -> or similar means, is expressly prohibited without the prior written -> consent of Reuters. Reuters and the Reuters sphere logo are -> registered trademarks and trademarks of the Reuters group of -> companies around the world. Oh no, I went to look at the article on your Web site, and your Web site actually transmitted a copy of the whole article to my Web browser so I guess you're going to jail for breaking your own rule. Too bad you didn't put that paragraph at the _top_ of the article to let all the computers in the world know that they're not allowed to copy your article from your Web site to their screens. -- K. Copyright (c) 2006 James "Kibo" Parry. All rights reserved. This means that if you ever get arrested for plagiarizing this, you do NOT have the right to an attorney, because I just reserved all your rights. Haw haw, I obsoleted the Miranda warning, and I don't even know who she is! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Solution to a problem I'm sick of hearing about. Date: Fri, 10 Nov 2006 06:15:53 -0500 Starting next year, to avoid the eternal controversy over whether greeters at Wal-Mart should say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy holidays!", they'll just say "Happy Wal-Mart Day!" If anyone asks what Wal-Mart Day is, the greeters will explain that it's a 365-day-long holiday during which everyone is required to buy something from Wal-Mart unless they want to go to jail for being some sort of Commie. -- K. I wonder whether anyone ever petitions their local kosher grocery store to tell people "Happy holidays!" so that Muslims won't feel uncomfortable when they shop there. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Ever get the feeling "My Name Is Earl" is a documentary? Date: Fri, 10 Nov 2006 15:52:06 -0500 I saw this linked from dailyrotten.com and it was obviously beneath comment, so here goes. [www.azcentral.com] -> -> Man confesses to killing during party game -> -> Associated Press -> -> Nov. 6, 2006 07:40 AM -> -> JACKSON, Mich. -- The party game asked people to name the -> stupidest thing they had ever done. Police say Jerry Rose -> answered, "Shot a guy in the head." Of course, from now on, he has to give a different answer to that question. -> Now, Rose is charged with open murder and armed robbery in the -> March 22 slaying of 60-year-old Edgar Hawke. I don't know whether an open murder is better or worse than a regular murder. So now I'm looking it up. Hmm, apparently, in Michigan, all murders are either first degree (premeditated) or second degree, but the prosecutor can charge "open murder", which means the jury gets to decide whether it's murder one or murder two. I heard that Benoit Mandelbrot has invented a way to commit murder one point five. Note that on "Star Trek", the ship's phasers can be cranked up to murder ten. That's when you get completely disintegrated over and over. -> [...] -> -> Police were making little headway in their investigation until -> officers in neighboring Calhoun County questioned Rose's -> girlfriend about a series of break-ins. She told them about -> Rose's confession during a summer party, and they gave the -> information to Jackson County sheriff's detectives. So? There's a "Trivial Pursuit" question about me, but you don't hear me bragging about it. But I still wonder why nobody comes to my parties even though I went to the expense of buying 500 copies of that game just so I could make one Trivial Pursuit card set containing 500 identical cards about me, me, me, me. ME!!!! -- K. So, did the guy win the game? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Can licking a stamp make you an idiot? Date: Fri, 10 Nov 2006 17:58:06 -0500 [www.sun-sentinel.com] -> -> [...] -> -> The mystery unfolded at the elections office Tuesday evening, -> when County Commissioner John Rodstrom, a member of the -> county's Canvassing Board, noticed an unusual stamp on a large -> white envelope carrying an absentee ballot. -> -> A former stamp collector, Rodstrom immediately recognized the -> unmistakable blue and red image of an upside-down biplane: the -> Inverted Jenny. -> -> "It's very rare, it was in all of the stamp books," he said. -> "Only so many of these came off the presses." -> -> One hundred, to be exact. -> -> A sheet containing that number of stamps was printed in error -> with the biplane upside down. It was sold by mistake in 1918 -> and collectors have been chasing the Inverted Jenny ever since. -> In October 2005, an unnamed collector paid $2.9 million for a -> four-stamp block of Jennys. Well, that means the mystery senile Floridian might be planning to vote again in the 2008, 2010, and 2012 elections. Pat Buchanan is counting on it! -> All but five or six of the original 100 Jennys have been -> traced, Kopkin said. But that doesn't mean a widow or heir -> couldn't have inherited a true one and unthinkingly stuck it on -> the envelope, he added. This is like an episode of "The Simpsons", except Homer would probably find a way to make this incident even stupider. -> The ballot was disqualified because it contained no -> identification. HI, HOMER!!! While you're cleaning out that attic, don't forget to also say "Stradi-who-vious?" in a funny voice when you throw out that violin with the upside-down airplane stamps and that old comic book showing a guy lifting a 1938 car over his head. That would be a really funny episode if I hadn't already seen it about twenty times. Now it's merely regular funny. Make it be really funny again by wiping out my memory with the same sort of brain damage that allows you to enjoy life the way you do. -> [...] -> -> "We have no way of knowing who it was from," Cooney said. -> "There was no return address on the outer envelope." DEAR POSTMASTER, IF THIS LETTER IS NOT DELIVERABLE, PLEASE RETURN IT TO THE YEAR 1918. -> [...] -> -> It and other paperwork, as required by law, must be archived -> for almost two years, Cooney said. Then, "We destroy them," she -> said. -> -> "That would be a tragedy," Kopkin said, if the stamp proves a -> true collectible. And if so, even though it has been canceled, -> it could still fetch $50,000 to $200,000 depending on -> condition. But they could have their cake and eat it too -- the state could make a fortune selling tickets the tiny bonfire of one of the world's most valuable stamps. I'm going to send away for tickets now, once I lick this Penny Black to put on the envelope... Eww, it tastes like a century that has dead people in it. -- K. There are philatelists, and then there are stamptards. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Apparently it stands for "Krappy Futuristic Contemporization". Date: Tue, 14 Nov 2006 16:04:54 -0500 It's press release day! Better than that, it's LOUD PRESS RELEASE DAY! [www.kfc.com] -> -> November 14, 2006 -> -> KFC CREATES WORLD'S FIRST BRAND VISIBLE FROM SPACE AS COLONEL -> SANDERS TAKES ONE SMALL STEP FOR HUMANKIND BUT ONE GIANT LEAP -> FOR FRIED CHICKEN -> -> *** -> -> KFC BOLDLY GOES WHERE NO BRAND HAS GONE BEFORE BY UNVEILING -> ASTRONOMICAL, 87,500 SQUARE-FOOT, CONTEMPORIZED COLONEL SANDERS -> LOGO IN AREA 51 DESERT TO LAUNCH "KFC OF THE FUTURE" Wouldn't it be more appropriate to do this down the road at Area 57, where their secret ingredient was bred? It seems silly for them to drive all that way without paying tribute to the birthplace of Animal 57. -> *** -> -> Global Re-Image Campaign Contemporizes Entire Look of KFC -- -> From Logo to Restaurant Design, Advertising, Packaging, -> Point-of-Sale, Uniforms and More Press release in five words: "Improving Everything But The Food." THE END. Hmm, can I do it in four? "More Ads, Same Food." THE END. Three? "Still Not Popeye's." THE END. Uh oh, I can't type "THE END." any more because the "END" key on my keyboard just broke. -> LOUISVILLE, KY -- KFC Corporation (a division of YUM! Brands, -> Inc. NYSE:YUM) today became the world's first brand visible -> from outer space by unveiling a record-breaking 87,500 square -> feet, updated Colonel Sanders logo in the Area 51 desert. The -> event marks the official debut of a massive global re-image -> campaign that will contemporize 14,000-plus KFC restaurants in -> over 80 countries over the next few years. This does not compute... "comtemporize"... but "KFC of the future"... "contemporize"... "future"... error... error... contradiction detected... contradiction can only be solved by the presentation of notarized proof that time machines are real... -> KFC's new fresh look updates one of the most recognized, -> respected and beloved brand icons in the world and spans all -> visual elements from logo to restaurant design, advertising, -> packaging, uniforms and more. The new Colonel Sanders no longer looks as Japanese as he did on the bucket signs from twenty years ago. Why is KFC not proud of their founder's Japanese heritage? They keep making his eyes more and more Caucasian. Next they'll probably add a tagline below the logo explaining "'F' is for 'Fried', not for 'Tempura'!" His hair seems to have gotten awfully helmety, too. Maybe he went bald and they just trowled some mashed potatoes onto his head. -> The new logo depicts Colonel Sanders with his signature string -> tie, but for the first time, replaces his classic white, -> double-breasted suit with a red apron. ...to conceal the bloodstains! Animal 57s squirt when you squeeze them down the tube into the shredder. -> The apron symbolizes the home-style culinary heritage of the -> brand and reminds customers that KFC is always in the kitchen -> cooking delicious, high-quality, freshly prepared chicken by -> hand, just the way Colonel Sanders did 50 years ago. Yeah, right. I think that 50 years ago, Colonel Sanders would have been pretty horrified at the idea that eventually KFC would start pushing the idea of getting your entire meal scrambled together in a dog food bowl of mashed potatoes with corn, chicken nuggets, and gravy on top. Come to think of it, I'm pretty horrified whenever I see that abomination on their menu. I know that little kids won't eat anything where two foods are mixed together or touching or damp, but how can any grownups want their entree and side dishes and gravy all stirred together into a beige mealwad? Okay, I guess some people do enjoy shepherd's pie, but still, nobody would be willing to put it in their mouths if it came out of whatever bin KFC ladles their instant mashed potatoes and chicken blobs out of. It's just not generally a good idea to make a doggie dinner out of _good_ ingredients, let alone the potato flakes and mucilage gravy and popcorn-free popcorn chicken that KFC uses. Since I already demanded KFC produce their time machine, I also demand they use it to prove that the late Colonel Sanders would approve of all their current globs-in-an-unflushed-bowl menu items. If you don't believe me that KFC is now pushing dumpware-style meals, see: http://www.kfc.com/menu/bowls_potato.asp with the key glamour shot of the goop mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_kfc_bowls_potato.jpg The difference between KFC's potato bowls and fake vomit is that KFC puts it in a bowl. That's why it's only fake fake vomit. I believe the technical term for the way that entree looks is "ten minutes from diarrhea". -> "The Colonel is truly a global icon and we want everyone in the -> universe to see KFC's new look of the future," said Gregg -> Dedrick, president of KFC Corp. "KFC is boldly going where no -> brand has gone before as Colonel Sanders takes one small step -> for humankind, but one giant leap for fried chicken." He then yelled "I SAID 'LUNCH', NOT 'LAUNCH'! SHAZBOT! DOES NOT COMPUTE! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! SHAZBOT! BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY! FIFTY-SEVEN SKIDOO! AYYY, SIT ON IT! SHAZBOT!" while twirling around like crazy people would do if they were in outer space where twirling around was more socially acceptable due to the different physics up there. -> The giant Colonel Sanders logo was built off The World's Only -> Extraterrestrial Highway in Rachel, Nevada, also known as the -> "UFO Capital of the World," and the epicenter of inter-galactic -> communication. "Epicenter"? So KFC has now found a way to make earthquakes travel through intergalactic space? Is a long string involved, with two tin cans labelled "POWDERED POTATOES" on the ends? -> "If there are extraterrestrials in outer space, KFC wants to -> become their restaurant of choice. For now, we'll be very -> content satisfying the entire human population with our Finger -> Lickin' Good Chicken. He said this at the first convention of "Demolition Man" fans, but the microphone was broken so only three of the four could hear him. Yeah, I know that in "Demolition Man" the restaurants were actually Taco Bells (or Pizza Huts in the European edit) but Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, and KFC are all the same chain. And besides, only KFC ever puts out press releases where they promise the elimination of all non-fried foods. -> Besides, who knows if extraterrestrials even have fingers? "Maybe they won't, and that'll make it okay for us to deep-fry them!" -> If we hear back from a life form in space today -- whether -> NASA astronauts or a signal from some life form on Mars -- -> we'll send up some Original Recipe Chicken," said Dedrick. Extra Crispy is too much for aliens to handle. Spock likes his chicken soggy. He's used to the boneless microwaved oval "fried" chicken pucks Swanson's been putting in its TV dinners for the past ten years or so. I know he doesn't like meat, but he has to eat TV dinners all the time anyway because otherwise all those TV screens on the Bridge would be a waste of space. And although KFC has designs on cooking and eating any extraterrestrials that don't have fingers, Scotty is safe because he was born on Earth. He can relax while he pilots the Enterprise through the KFC's Warp Drive-Thru lane, steering the ship with all nine of his fingers. -> Earthlings can join in the fun today by visiting www.kfc.com to -> see the huge logo and have a chance to win by spotting the -> Colonel's secret message hidden within the Area 51 desert logo. -> The first 10,000 sharp-eyed KFC fans to correctly identify the -> secret message and post the answer at www.kfc.com will win a -> certificate for a free KFC Snacker sandwich. Those who incorrectly identify the secret message will be processed by the Colonel's secret team of grinder operators. -> The Colonel's Top Secret Mission -> -> The massive logo, which was referred to as the "Face from -> Space" by the project team, is so large it dwarfs one of -> America's largest and most famous landmarks -- Mt. Rushmore. The -> huge carved faces of Presidents Washington, Jefferson, -> Roosevelt and Lincoln would all fit easily in the "Face from -> Space." There would even be enough room left over for a fifth -> presidential face in the Colonel Sanders logo! Yeah, but why bother? It's inevitable that Colonel Sanders will get added to the real Mount Rushmore. By 2050, it'll be Colonel Sanders, the Pep Boys, Mr. Softee, and President Shatner. -> It took a team of nearly 50 designers, engineers, scientists -> (including astrophysicists), architects and other professionals -> working nearly three months to conceive, create and execute -> building the world's largest logo. ...conveniently ignoring Jupiter's Great Red Spot placed there in the 1980s by the 7-Up corporation. -> The "Face from Space" took more than 3,000 hours to create from -> inception to launch and was built by Synergy, a leading event -> company. Synergy is one of the corporate world's leading manufacturers of synergy, though they still haven't started mass-producing irony the way some of the viral-marketing firms have. Note that if your corporation does business with Synergy, there might be some months where you have a surplus of synergy, and you can trade your excess synergy through the synergy futures market set up by Synron. Hmm, suddenly I understand the "Snron" brand rubber gloves they sell in Chinatown. I used to think it was just a nonsns wrd, but now I know that Snron gloves are protective gear for Synron workers to use when cleaning up synergy spills. -> The logo consists of 65,000 one-foot by one-foot painted tile -> pieces that were assembled like a giant jigsaw puzzle: 6,000 -> red, 14,000 white, 12,000 eggshell, 5,000 beige and 28,000 -> black. North Korea laughs at this puny display and goes back to spending 364 days of the year practicing for the Arirang Mass Games. -> The logo took 24 days, working around-the-clock, to manufacture -> and ultimately produce. It then took six days on site to -> construct the logo, during which time the logo design pieces -> were kept hidden and under cover from identified and -> unidentified flying objects. -> -> Area 51's secretive nature and link to classified aircraft -> research and reports of unusual phenomena, have led it to -> become the centerpiece of modern UFO and conspiracy theory. -> Other key activities associated with Area 51 include rumors of -> meetings with extraterrestrials, the development of time travel -> technology and the storage, examination and reverse engineering -> of crashed alien spacecraft (including material supposedly -> recovered at Roswell, NM). Um, Area 51 isn't just "secretive", it's forbidden to tresspass on. The thing is, if Synergy actually did sneak this thing within the perimeters of Area 51, their employees would have been shot on sight. Unless they disintegrated all the MPs with their synergy rays. "Set your synergizers to 'flack'!" "Aw, mine's just stuck on 'flak'." -> Due to the unprecedented nature of the project, the team -> endured numerous twists and turns along the way including a -> freak torrential downpour that rendered the original site -> inaccessible. The first location was in the flatlands of Utah -> near the home of the very first KFC restaurant. ...in the part of Utah where Kentucky is located. I guess "Utah Fried Chicken" didn't sound as nice, especially as the chain didn't want their restaurants filling up with squeaky- clean Mormons who wouldn't properly mess up the bathrooms to the level of filth we all expect at KFC. -> A state-of-the-art GEO satellite captured the image of the logo -> as it circled the earth at an altitude of 423 miles. To see an -> image of the logo go www.kfc.com. This is only the fourth time -> in more than 50 years that the logo has changed. Does this mean there will be new TV commercials featuring a new version of the rapping cartoon Colonel voiced by Randy Quaid? Whether or not that happens, I want KFC to use their time machine to ask the real Colonel Sanders how he feels about being a funky rapper, yo. -> KFC Restaurant of the Future -> -> After three years of testing different restaurant designs in -> the U.S. and international markets, KFC is today revealing its -> restaurant look of the future. KFC's new global image is in the -> process of rolling out in restaurants around the world and will -> be implemented in newly constructed stores within the next 12 -> months. Every restaurant will now feature the three seashells. Only the classiest Future KFCs will have the guy playing the "Roto-Rooter" jingle on the piano, the others will just have recordings of people telling you what the fines are for swearing. At every grand opening, Sylvester Stallone will make a personal appearance, biting the head off a rat and explaining that by the 2000, large corporations will make stupid decisions about paying for product placements where their food is said to be inferior to a dead rat. I really like that movie. Too bad I couldn't go to the convention. It would've been a pain to take the subway all five stops. -> The new global restaurant design is refreshing, contemporary, -> highly-differentiated Okay, now they're just stealing ideas from that "South Park" episode where Cartman tried to get some fetal stem cells to differentiate into a Shakey's Pizza. I've never been to a Shakey's, but I'd like to point out that their great contribution to world history is that it was a Shakey's pizza that Toru Iwatani had eaten a quarter of when he got the idea for "Pac-Man". Since this was in Japan, of course it was topped with creamed corn... hey, wait a minute. If Colonel Sanders really was Japanese (as my research would prove if that were true) then maybe the gloppy meal bowls with the corn in them truly were one of his ideas. -> and helps keep KFC relevant with -> customers by giving them a higher quality overall dining -> experience. The new design is based on thoughtful strategic -> tenets which provide a strong brand image foundation, while -> being flexible for different international market needs. It -> communicates a progressive and energetic spirit for KFC and -> prepares the brand for future global growth. Press release in one word: "Synergy." THE END. -> Design features for the U.S. may include: -> -> * Bright, bold graphics on the restaurant exterior and -> interior that incorporate the Kentucky Fried Chicken name as -> well as KFC, communicate a fresh sense of brand pride. African -> American artist Charly (Carlos) Palmer took KFC's historical -> icons and gave them an updated, cool and modern look. Hey, it's racist for KFC to suddenly point out that they have one African-American contractor. After all, they never specified whether or not Colonel Sanders was Japanese. "The machines in our factories are mass-producing authentic soul food! Here we see the honkie foreman giving orders to the honkie workers to honk the signal to activate the Animal 57 emulsifier, and over here we see other honkies separating the white meat from the dark meat. Finally, more honkies put the food-like product onto the honking trucks driven by honkies, and as they leave the factory they drive past a sign which has a logo which was updated BY A BLACK PERSON. And that's okay!" If KFC is really trying to futurize themselves, they at least need to have Nichelle Nichols sitting behind Colonel Sanders in most of the scenes. 'Cause by the 23rd century, black women will be accepted in society enough that it'll be okay to have them sitting there looking pretty while the men are doing their men stuff. -> * Graphics and pub signs that showcase the company's icons: -> "11 Secret Herbs and Spices," and "Finger Lickin' Good" and -> "Sunday Dinner, 7 Days a Week." I never understood the appeal of "Finger Lickin' Good". The implication is that the food is improved if you add the flavor of the crud from under your fingernails to it. I heard they also make fries you're supposed to clean your ears with before eating them. -> * Signature Symbols (the Colonel, the Bucket, Kentucky Fried -> Chicken) create distinctly-KFC retail style shopfront designs -> that invite customers inside with open glass. "Open glass"? Isn't that what holds your free refills? -> * Heroic use of our Signature Red color in a bold -> architectural way and crisp white design accents to keep the -> brand youthful and fresh. Ha ha, when people other than KFC paint their homes goofy colors it's an "eyesore", but KFC is "heroic". Take that, guy who lives in the pumpkin-colored house with the purple shutters! -> * Warm and contemporary interior designs with spacious and -> innovative seating help customers feel welcome and comfortable -> in groups or alone. "We've removed half the chairs, so you won't feel like such a loser when you eat at the restaurant by yourself." -> * Thoughtful interior and exterior lighting enhances the -> customer experience. "We have to light these 'bowl' entrees really carefully..." -> * A digital jukebox that is free of charge for customers to -> play the music they enjoy most. "Roto-Rooter, that's the name! Away go troubles, down the drain!" -> * Southern-inspired brand new menu items slow-cooked and -> served fast to star alongside KFC's core products. 'Cause when you want Hillbilly Stew, you want it fast! I know there's not really such a Southern entree as "Hillbilly Stew". But they did say "Southern-inspired", not "Southern". In the same way that Taco Bell has given us the "Meximelt" and the "Crispito" and the late lamented "Bellbeefer", KFC can now use this "-inspired" loophole to create things like "Animal 57 Pone" and "Extra Soggy Chicken Soaked In 'My Name Is Oil'". -> KFC Popularity Soars to New Heights as One of the World's -> Fastest Growing Brands -- Opening Up More Than One New -> Restaurant Each Day of the Year In the future, instead of saints, newly-cloned children will be named after which KFC restaurant was opened on the day they were born. "Good morning to you, Third KFC In The West Edmonton Mall! Be well and have synergy!" -> Since the first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant opened its -> doors in Utah in 1952, the brand continues to enjoy growing -> popularity around the world. The company's top markets outside -> the United States are China, the United Kingdom, Australia, -> South Korea, Mexico, and Europe, including France, Germany, the -> Netherlands and Holland. KFC is also tapping growth in -> important emerging markets such as India, Russia and Brazil. ...but note that there are no KFC restaurants in Quebec. This is because some other chain named "PFK" has that market sewed up. I heard that PFK also uses Animal 57, but they don't call it that because French doesn't have a word for "fifty". So it's actually listed on the menus as "Animal Forty Plus Seventeen", which sounds weird enough that even people who like poutine won't touch it. -> Each new restaurant opening brings jobs and career -> opportunities along with economic vitality for that community. Unless it's a community of chickens. Very few chickens ever get rich selling their bodies to KFC. -> KFC's enduring success and popularity is attributed to a -> relentless focus on great taste, high quality and the nearly -> 500,000 talented Customer Maniacs focused on providing great -> service to the 4.5 billion guests that visit our restaurants -> around the world each year. 4.5 billion? That's three-quarters of the world's population, so I found that highly dubious and -- wait, they didn't say _human_ guests. I forgot: cockroaches. -> About KFC -> -> KFC Corporation, based in Louisville, Ky., is the world's most -> popular chicken restaurant chain specializing in Original -> Recipe(R), Extra Crispy(TM) and Colonel's Crispy Strips(R) with -> home-style sides, Honey BBQ Wings, and freshly made chicken -> sandwiches. There are more than 14,000 KFC outlets in more than -> 80 countries and territories around the world, serving some 12 -> million customers each day. KFC Corporation is a subsidiary of -> Yum! Brands, Inc., Louisville, Ky. (NYSE: YUM.) Didja ever notice that "YUM" is only one letter away from "YUK"? Makes you think, doesn't it? Okay, I guess not. Like the way the fact that "DOG" spelled backwards is "GOD" doesn't mean anything or the way I just spent six pages saying KFC's food is shitty doesn't mean I don't love them. I kid, I kid, I love KFC. Dear KFC executives reading this, please send me many free coupons. When it comes to Animal 57, I prefer the corner pieces. -- K. I heard that KFC is going to bring out an imitation of Popeye's "dirty rice", except for trademark reasons KFC will just call theirs "heavily soiled rice". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Apparently it stands for "Krappy Futuristic Contemporization". Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 00:06:01 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Spock likes his chicken soggy. He's used to the boneless microwaved > > oval "fried" chicken pucks Swanson's been putting in its TV dinners > > for the past ten years or so. I know he doesn't like meat, > > That's not what the slashfic said. > > Oops, too much information. RETURN TO YOUR YUMMY KIBO POST NOW Zorlon > commands! Who's Zorlon? Is he like some dude made wearing a two-faced Sean Connery mask who learns at the end of the movie that his century's terrible fashion choices are all a result of a misspelling of "Orlon"? If so, he sucks. Anyway, as long as we're on the subject of Spock and sucking, I'll bet that if YouTube had existed in the 1960s the Internet would now consist of 90% copies of that one out-take where Spock says "Captain, I believe the plants act as a suppository," and then he shoves a lollipop into his face, and the remaining 10% of the Internet would be the slashfic where they make that dirtier. > ...Does this change of logo mean that KFC restaurants will now have to have > signs that are 51 miles square? Yes, but the definition of "miles" will be changed just like if Microsoft's Zune store sold lumber. You'd have to spend 199 dollars to get 249 tokens which could be exchanged for 149 Vulcan credits which could be used to purchase two-by-fours that are three millimeters by one point eleven inches in base 12. It's a little like using your BASIC Stamp's PBASIC 2.5 "RCTIME" command when you have to scale the potentiometer discharge time to units of 1.8 microseconds with the "*/" operator which multiplies by dividing by 256 to give you the middle 16 bits of a 32-bit number. In other words, it's something only a total nerd would do, the sort of nerd who would think that making the Zune brown would make it even better. "Wow! The Zune not only comes in turd brown, but it has beveled edges and a round-cornered aluminum frame around the screen just to make it match the Atari 2600 I'm going to connect it to once I finish writing a PBASIC interface program!" That paragraph will be puzzling if you read it five years from now, 'cause you'll still know what an Atari 2600 was but you'll have forgotten all about the Microsoft Zune. Hopefully we'll have forgotten about the iPod by then, too, because it's time for society to move beyond caring about whether you can carry your own music around to avoid having to listen to the f'ing Muzak that they still won't turn off even though 99% of people now have an iPod in one ear and a cell phone in the other. I say now is the time to ban all music in all forms. > > Didja ever notice that "YUM" is only one letter away from "YUK"? > > It's also only one letter away from "GUM" or "PHLUGM". Well, okay, for the > second one you have to use Microsoft Extended Zune-Incorporating Letters. What's a Zune? > Dave "now I want mashed potatoes" DeLaney Today for dinner, at an Indian restaurant, I had curried hot peppers. Really, the entree was a bowl of whole hot peppers (really nasty sharp ones) in some sort of coconut gravy. I managed to eat about half of it and only became incoherent for the second half of dinner. The appetizer and two soups were also spicy, but the curried hot peppers were f'ing _hot_. It's the first time I've ever seen that on the menu in an Indian restaurant, as that's definitely a not-for-American-humans dish. Wow, it was awesome to actually try to eat something that was too spicy for me. It wasn't a particularly good entree but man did it take me places. I finally understand what Viagra is supposed to do to people, at least the part about it giving everything a blue tint. The flashover to the blue was quite nice. Unfortunately I did not meet a space coyote with the voice of Johnny Cash, nor did I manage to finish the peppers. After chewing a few of them up, I was having enough trouble operating the fork that I called it quits. So do mashed potatoes ever take you to strange mental realms where logic no longer works even if you bought the extended warranty? -- K. Really, they actually had a dish that was too hot for me, and they were offering it to the public without a prescription. Yow! It Zippied my brain! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Apparently it stands for "Krappy Futuristic Contemporization". Date: Tue, 14 Nov 2006 17:40:44 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I kid, I kid, I love KFC. > > Dear KFC executives reading this, please send me many free > > coupons. When it comes to Animal 57, I prefer the corner pieces. > > I like KFC (Kant Fucking Cook) at least they are not trying to pretend > their food is healthy - come on McDonald's! Your entire reason for being > is to sell as much industrially processed food to as many people as > possible, there's no need to be embarassed by it. But McDonalds also owns Boston Market and Panera. Are you saying that Boston Market is not wholly nutritious, health-tacular food and is now what made Boston's cuisine world-famous as a paragon of deliciousness? (For those of you in funny countries, Boston's cuisine is not 50% lobsters and 50% candy-flavored tiny beans. What Boston's regional cuisine _really_ consists of is Dunkin' Donuts and Au Bon Pain, because we've been working to keep Honey Dew Donuts, Tim Horton's, and Krispy Kreme out as much as we can. Apparently we like the crappiest doughnuts known to mankind. I can forgive people for not liking Krispy Kremes because they don't like doughnuts, but I can't understand people who actually prefer Dunkin' Donuts.) Short shameful confession: I have never tried a Honey Dew Donut, despite them having a convenient location across from the Fung Wah Bus ticket booth, because I can't bring myself to eat anything illustrated with a picture of a bear and the word "DEW", whether or not they make Bear Dew Donuts in the woods. > Whenever I see the anti-KFC protesters outside that one store in the city > I have the urge to run in and get some popcorn chicken and eat it in front > of them. Wouldn't it be more effective to eat something that has meat in it? -- K. Or you could try eating one of KFC's diaper gravy bowls and see whether they throw up before you do. And then you could eat the throw-up, and then throw that up, and eat that, and then yell "...THE ARISTOCRATS!" Then you'd be legally designated as The New Bob Saget, then you'd get to host some show that's made entirely from grainy footage of people's crotches and the baseballs that strike same and the crazy sound effects that naturally result from the physics of the situation. That'd teach those protesters a valuable lesson of some sort, possibly about why they should go protest the existence of TV. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: =?windows-1256?q?Who_is_Jesus=3F_=BF!!_=BF__(Must_enter)?= Date: Tue, 14 Nov 2006 18:15:53 -0500 In alt.religion.kibology, tt_mm10@hotmail.com spammed: > > Subject: =?windows-1256?q?Who_is_Jesus=3F_=BF!!_=BF__(Must_enter)?= Worst traffic sign ever. > [...approximately 800 lines of blather about how Jesus and Mohammed > are best friends forever...] > > Written by S.H. Pasha > > ---------------------- > =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D > > Twelve Proofs that Muhammad is a True Prophet > Shaykh `Abdul Rahman `Abdul Khaliq > Originally published by IANA > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------= > ----- Um, just 'cause you posted it to the Internet doesn't mean your wackily-punctuated religion is officially endorsed by the Internet Assigned Numbers Authority. Wake me up when you at least get it declared an RFC. Oh, and while we're on the subject of IANA and ugly things with rows of hyphens and equalses, IANA's home page (iana.org -- "Dedicated to preserving the central coordinating functions of the global Internet for the public good.") has a logo that's truly uggerly: http://www.iana.org logo mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_iana_logo.jpg It's got a box around it (bad) with slightly-different-thickness sides that look like an accident (bad) and a fat-face cursive font (bad) with a brightly-colored shadow (bad) and a poorly-drawn (bad) attempt at a cliche' globe (bad) which is used as the dot over the "i" even though it's nowhere near centered (bad) and also the whole thing is lowercase (bad) except for the line of tiny Arial Black (bad) for a grand total of -9 points. Let's make it -10, I'm going to count "it's got a box around it" twice. I didn't even realize they were trying to make a three-way visual pun (the "i" = a globe = an "#") at first because the triple-function blotch is so forced (as well as just badly-executed.) Only after staring at it a while did I realize that the stylized globe's bizarre shading was supposed to evoke a "#". The Internet Society has a neat logo (a globe with ASCII shading -- see, folks, you can make a cliche' stylized globe interesting if you come up with a clever twist) and the Internet Engineering Task Force has a logo which isn't too bletcherous (it's a bit busy and for some reason screams "M!!! W!!!" at me as if the Internet was designed by Montgomery Ward) but the IANA logo is abyssmal. IETF logo (not too bad, but needs work): http://www.ietf.org logo mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_ietf_logo.gif ISOC logo (excellent): http://www.isoc.org logo mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_isoc_logo.gif I wonder whether the IANA logo is trying to imitate the ISOC logo, or vice versa, or perhaps they evolved independently -- they're the opposite ends of the quality range for globes with "#" signs hugging them. My only complaint about ISOC's logo is that the two words shouldn't be so close together, because the dot on the "i" is associated with the "n" above it just as strongly as it's associated with the only letter it's supposed to be stuck to. The "i" needs to breathe. What would fix the IETF logo? Get rid of the fuzzy shadow, get rid of the hairlines around the squiggle (I think it's supposed to represent the concept of packet-routing) and then fiddle with the colors so that the squiggle and the squares stand out from the background and each other without any need for those sorts of coloring-book black outlines. And maybe, just maybe, consider that if you're going to space the letters in the acronym like T H I S then they should be in a light font, rather than super-extra-nuclear boldface. Bold block letters should be pressed together tightly if you want a solid black look, and if you want an airy look, you spread out light letters. Spreading out letters which are so bold that they're almost illegible doesn't seem like any sort of attempt at communicating any particular mood or style. The concept for the pictorial part of the logo is okay in concept, if this logo were restyled it could look like the same logo except without the major flaws. So, anyway, ISOC's professionally-designed logo can beat up IETF's clever-but-defective logo which can beat up IANA's amateurish conglomeration. Does that answer your questions about whether Jesus and Mohammed were best friends? -- K. And was it just platonic, or more? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: other people's logos in the wild (was: something about Jesus) Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 22:44:54 -0500 This thread has mutated into a discussion of logos for important Internet organizations (IANA, IETF, ISoc, and ICANN.) You can check out what they look like here, with these logos I scrounged off the corresponding Web sites: Internet organization logos http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_internet_logos.gif (Some Web browsers shrink large images to fit in the current window because they think you don't know how to use the scroll bars -- if your browser does that, be sure to right-click the image and select "View Full Size" or whatever, otherwise everything will be blocky or fuzzy from being mushed into the window.) Note that I added ICANN to the collection, and lo and behold, it's a globe with an octothorpe stuck to it, just like the ISoc logo, and just like one of the many things crammed into the IANA logo. Oy, the rich panoply of diversity. I also threw in the IRTF logo, which is a sub-group of the IETF and has their own logo which is basically a tinkered-with version of the IETF's, done by someone who attempted to faithfully re-create the original but got all the colors/proportions/fonts not quite exact. It shares the same strengths and weaknesses with its parent logo, and yet none of the details match. David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re the IANA logo] > > > > It's got a box around it (bad) with slightly-different-thickness sides > > that look like an accident (bad) and a fat-face cursive font (bad) > > with a brightly-colored shadow (bad) and a poorly-drawn (bad) attempt > > at a cliche' globe (bad) which is used as the dot over the "i" > > even though it's nowhere near centered (bad) and also the whole > > thing is lowercase (bad) except for the line of tiny Arial Black (bad) > > for a grand total of -9 points. Let's make it -10, I'm going to > > count "it's got a box around it" twice. > > And if you turn it upside-down it doesn't even have the graciousness to > transmute into a different logo! Hmm, you're right, it does have something of the swoopy quality of Scott Kim's ambigrams. But I think it's just that way 'cause someone thought curly equals pretty! "Pretty" is nice but it doesn't help things reproduce at small sizes (imagine how that logo would look shrunk down to half an inch across on a business card) and, frankly, choosing a delicate curly font and then giving it a solid green shadow is like putting ketchup on your ice cream. > [...] > > > Does that answer your questions about whether Jesus and Mohammed > > were best friends? > > Not -exactly-, but it does tell us Kibo Wizard needs consulting work badly! Okay, so what that means in English is you're daring me to draw improved versions of some of those logos to see whether I can very quickly pull better ones out of my butt, right? I slapped together improved versions of the IANA and IETF logos 'cause it's fun to draw stuff. I didn't make them very polished because obviously nobody's paying me (think of it as the graphic design equivalent of fan art), so these could still use a little tuning. And of course if I were actually doing these for the real organizations there would be much discussion about what they wanted, rather than me just doodling up whatever I wanted. Anyway, here's what I did to try to save the IETF logo: Kibo's attempt at salvaging the IETF logo: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_ietf_logo_kibo.gif Okay, so I screwed around with the colors and style a bunch, but it's still exactly the same shape (I would probably have used a different arrangement of squares and put the zigzag in a different place if I were doing it from scratch, but the challenge here was to see if I could make the _same_ logo look better, preserving the secret "WM" initials in it.) The original seems to have been designed for three-color printing, with some bluish-black ink wasted just for the extra-bold letters. I changed to two colors (selected so as to reproduce faithfully across different printing processes as well as RGB screens -- designing logos to survive these transitions makes choosing colors tricky.) Red on light gray yields a particularly clear design compared to the goldenrod on dark gray original. (Check the reduced-size versions at the right to see how well the different versions survive at reduced resolution.) I also made a one-color conversion, a necessity for real-world business correspondence. (Why do people often never think of the need for a black and white version when they design logos? I keep seeing ones that just can't be printed in monochrome.) I took out the fuzzy shadows which clotted up the spaces between the squares. Things with little gaps in them shouldn't be casting shadows. (The shadows are okay for making the IRTF's white squares stand out, so I did a hard-edged version of that to match the overall style -- now motion is suggested because the white squares look like they're floating, as opposed to just having everything have fuzzy black edges.) I chose lettering which echoes the proportions and rhythm of the gray squares, because "IETF" is all right angles. Note that it's easier to read even though it's smaller and less bold. The original was fighting with the figural part of the design rather than trying to harmonize with it. It could still use more work, and as I said above if I had been doing this for real the owners of the mark might just say something like "Yuk, no red, we have to have the goldenrod in there because _____________" but I hope most people will agree that by fooling around with it I've made a version that is easier to reproduce and to recognize, without sacrificing any of the symbolism of the original. Now moving on to the one of the bunch which was truly horrible: Kibo's attempts at doing something that's not the awful IANA logo: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_iana_logo_kibo.gif This was a real quick attempt at something clean and simple. (My style tends to run that way, especially for logos, because you have to be able to recognize the shape of a logo even at tiny business-card sizes.) I tried to keep the idea of the box around the logo without anything as amateurish as drawing a hairline frame around it, and I kept the idea of the "I" having a dot which was also a sphere which was also "#". I even stuck to blues and greens for the palette. But the shadow _had_ to go. Along with the lowercase (so it can be I.A.N.A., and never "Lana") as well as that bizarre dark-blue-on-dark-green shadow. Shadows should only be used if they add contrast, and in this case the shadow just destroys the legibility. Compared to the original, it's LOUD and corporate-looking, (which may have been what they were trying to avoid when they chose the effeminate script lowercase acronym) but this means it still looks good at 1/3" tall, unlike the original which just turns to mush. The full name of the organization has been removed (in actual use, it would be set in appropriately- sized lettering near the logo, if needed, but we can't have a whole bunch of tiny letters beneath the giant letters _in_ the logo due to scaling issues. The four words are the explanation of the logo, not something to be crammed in at microscopic size.) As usual, there's some interplay between 2-D and 3-D items, where my "I" is sort of bending out of the page and chucking a ball at you. I'm not 100% satisfied with the simple "#" highlight I doodled onto the ball, but since this was just something I did as an unpaid experiment, I'm not going to waste time getting the "#" perfect (the "#" alone would be a day's work, it's a complex sub-project. Things that are all curves require many iterations to perfect.) The medium blue for the "#" would be a halftone blend of the two main colors, so this logo could be printed in just two spot colors (with super-crisp edges) or the usual CMYK and RGB processes. I also made a one-color variant (wow, contrasty) because black and white devices like fax machines and copiers still exist. They might not be happy with the fact that I changed the mood so radically, but if they were actually a client I'd spend a lot of time explaining that just 'cause someone thinks lowercase script lettering is friendly-looking doesn't make it appropriate for a major standards body, nor does it survive in real-world printing techniques. (If anyone from the IANA or IETF is so bored with their day jobs that they read alt.religion.kibology, and you want me to touch up your logo, let me know and I can draw up some "live" vector art. And if you think my fan logos look horrible compared to your real logos, feel free to say so too.) So, Dave, does _that_ answer your questions about all major religions? -- K. The ISoc and ICANN logos don't really have anything wrong with them except that you can't tell them apart. It's like if the Canadian flag were the same as the American flag except with the stars in a slightly different pattern. Why even design a logo if you can't be bothered to look at what related organizations have already called dibs on? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: other people's logos in the wild (was: something about Jesus) Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2006 02:52:03 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, so what that means in English is you're daring me to draw > > improved versions of some of those logos to see whether I can > > very quickly pull better ones out of my butt, right? > > > > [...] > > > > Kibo's attempt at salvaging the IETF logo: > > http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_ietf_logo_kibo.gif > > Interesting. Yours definitely looks less like it was splatted onto the > page by a potato stamp. That's good, right? I think so. I was indeed conscious of "Gee, this logo looks a lot like those old-fashioned potato mashers that look sort of like diseased lips that kissed a waffle iron too many times" while redrawing it. My sketchbooks from my last train ride are full of versions that have a better-shaped arrangement of squares or a more pleasing form for the squiggle, but I didn't use any of those because I was trying to improve on the existing design's style without changing the original concept, as I was assuming there had to be some sort of secret symbolism to the "WM". Often with bizarre-looking logos (especially ones designed by the corporation rather than by a real designer) there is some sort of magical talisman attribute where things are supposed to represent things and deformities can't be removed because that would strip the logo of its power to use witchcraft over people's souls, or something. People like to believe in sympathetic magic emanating from their company's logo, so when you're trying to convince the company to go with the best of the four potential logos you're presenting, it never hurts to say "...and _this_ stripe represents your company's synergy! And _this_ dot symbolizes the universal harmony your new lawn mower will bring to all the peoples of the world!" In any case, I didn't want to dis Mr. W.M. by taking his initials out of an existing logo. The kinks in that squiggle could be in better positions, but it's not a big enough deal to be worth sacrificing whatever fuzzy feelings the logo's owners have towards the hidden spirit of W.M,, captured in logo form. Of course, it's possible that the "WM" was unintentional, but you'd have to be pretty clueless to draw that and not see the "WM", and the logo didn't look like it was drawn by someone who wouldn't notice that, so I'll bet it was on purpose. One theory is that someone really likes William & Mary's football team. Another theory is that it's the mark of the ancient god Wum, the router of packets, who cannot shake hands with any mere mortal because they cannot shake all of Wum's three hands. When they try and fail, they must appease Wum by baking him a seven-layer cake. > > Kibo's attempts at doing something that's not the awful IANA logo: > > http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_iana_logo_kibo.gif > > > > Compared to the original, it's LOUD and corporate-looking, > > and easier to read even full-size THAT'S BECAUSE TALKING IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, ESPECIALLY AT A HUGE SIZE, IS ALWAYS EASIER ON THE EYES BECAUSE ALL THE LETTERS ARE BIGGER! AS SOMEONE WHO OCCASIONALLY USES THE INTERNET YOU SHOULD BE QUITE FAMILIAR WITH HOW RELAXING CAPITAL LETTERS ARE TO READ! Occasionally clients have used the "capitals are always easier to read than lowercase" argument in an attempt to convince me that I should change things to all-caps. That works for four-letter acronyms, but otherwise it usually just gets someone a lecture about "readability" not being the same as "legibility" where actual sentences are concerned. (There's no better way to make your ad look really shoddy than to put the ad copy in all caps. Check your local Yellow Pages for examples. The Yellow Pages are a vast collection of bad design, especially as they have that rule that all ads must have a box around them.) Often requests for putting continuous text in all caps to make it "easier to read" are accompanied by them telling me that they once read some study about how bright orange letters on a blue background are the easiest to read so I should do that. I am good at refuting that ancient study upon which old New York license plates were based, especially if I have a first-year "Wired" in my briefcase. -- K. Also, shouldn't "Wired" shut down now that they've served their intended purpose of telling everyone that the Internet exists? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: other people's logos in the wild (was: something about Jesus) Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2006 02:20:09 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] my "I" is sort of bending out of the page and chucking > > a ball at you. > > People who have been near a golf course within living memory will > probably interpret it rather differently. Meh, anyone who sees that has awfully fat tees and tiny balls. I heard Old Navy has a sale on awfully fat tees, as well as defective pants. -- K. Also, I can kick your ass at minigolf any day. Except for the Atari 2600 version. Nobody can kick anybody's anything with that tediumfest. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.math,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: grammar errors in science writing Re: who has the best table of planetary magnetic moments Re: magnetic moments of Mercury and Venus Re: gravity-displacement term Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 00:48:33 -0500 In sci.physics, sci.physics.electromag, sci.astro, and sci.math, "a_plutonium" (a_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [following up to his prior article] > > I usually do not like making a post just to correct some of my grammar. > But the above is egregious for it shows that I post without reading > what I am typing. Really? I also post without reading what you're typing. And I agree with your belief that cats and dogs are the same animal facing different directions. > I post what is directly on my mind without proof reading. Not true, 'cause if you posted what was on your mind, my screen would fill up with water. > [...] > > In most of my writings, I tend to do a lot of repeating and alot of > picture drawing in different angles, and that is because I do want the > reader to grab a hold of the basic substance and not get caught up in > superficial sideshow or grammar or errors of writing. Please draw more pictures of cats turning into dogs when you make them walk backwards. Thank you. > [...] > > When I write to sci. newsgroups, I try to elaborate and emphasize in > various angles of my main message, and this is a good habit in all > writing. Someday you could have a career in graffiti. Remember, science has proved it's possible to put an umlaut over any letter. If you could figure out a way to put one over a number, you could win the Nobel Prize For Graffiti! Now stop spinning cats around and get to work on helping me fix all the errors in my own writings. For instance, there's at least two obvious mistakes in the following sentence: Archimedes Plutonium is a brilliant scientist. Or was that too easy? Naah, nothing's too easy for a cat-twirler like you. -- K. I heard if you twirl a Tasmanian Devil counterclockwise you can make time go backwards just like in that movie where Superman kept beating up Daffy Duck. However, the scenes where Lois Lane slept with Bugs Bunny were slightly gratuitous. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: creation & copyrights Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 00:59:49 -0500 In sci.physics, filipealvesferreira@gmail.com wrote: > > To datevalue the money is the new action for the "couplage" between > savings and investment actions in order to catch webfactors for own. Buh? > (see : http://lafrontieredetonargent4g3s.blogspot.com). Well, at least I understood the giant "404 - PAGE NOT FOUND" error message. > To datevalue result in a personnal datevalors property of their > webmarried economics particules. Double buh with huhs on top? > Looking for colaborators to go onward and english usa language expert > to copyright both. > Would like to deal under Google Universal Web for your Space. Like > (GUWY'S). Maybe first you should pay someone to teach you how to use the Google Translation thing without setting it to translate stuff into Bizarro English. -- K. It seems to be a language like Newspeak except with the sort of syntax used in a Chinese bootleg DVD box's plot summary of "Gone With The Wind" below the title "Baby Geniuses". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: creation & copyrights Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 17:06:09 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In sci.physics, filipealvesferreira@gmail.com wrote: > > > > > > To datevalue the money is the new action for the "couplage" between > > > savings and investment actions in order to catch webfactors for own. > > > > Buh? > > moo MOO moo! Mu? Then the novice's head exploded. The novice was enplodened. This episode of "Zen: The Wacky Sitcom" has been brought to you by Donald Trump's Fish Sticks! The crunchy fish sticks you love, with the face of Donald Trump on every one! You can trust the quality that comes out of Trump! Now, stay tuned for "Battle Of The Network Stars Who Have Hooks For Hands", followed by your puny local newscast. > > > Looking for colaborators to go onward and english usa language expert > > > to copyright both. > > Oh I'll _bet_. The problem there is that how will you know what the expert > actually copyrighted? You'll end up with rights to 'allatime estels kix are > roxtxors' and he'll be making all the copyright moneys. What if, when you share the money with the guy, you pay him with money where you have reversed the datevalue so he can only spend it while travelling backwards in time, and you reduce the webfactor to 0.001? You'd get to keep most of the real money, and he'd just get antimoney and a tiny fraction of the webtronic Intermoney. You know, like the way things work if someone uses PayPal to buy from TicketMaster. > > Maybe first you should pay someone to teach you how to use the > > Google Translation thing without setting it to translate stuff > > into Bizarro English. > > No! Bizarro English not am easier reading to be than that! Are that gooder or are that more bad? Because on square Bizarro planet with seven faces that am eleven-sided triangles, it are bad for good things to be good and even badder for good things to be bad so it am good for bad things to be good things but only if good is only bad when it am silly. Me sit on birthday cake now because me am good President! I wish "Star Trek" had gone to a fourth season because you know they would have eventually combined "Mirror, Mirror" and "I, Mudd" into an episode where they would go to Bizarro World and to escape they'd have to overthrow the government by sitting on cakes. Also they'd all wear their uniforms backwards and Mr. Sulu would have weird angular lines all over his face instead of round craters. Plus the Enterprise would be made of cotton candy so it could go underwater. This is why I like reading the physics newsgroups. They give me so many wonderful ideas for ruining old TV shows. 'Cause so many sci.physics articles challenge my brain to use new types of logic that aren't logic. Just like the laws of physics break down inside a black hole's singularity, the laws of logic break down when you're at the dark center of sci.physics. -- K. Now back to our regularly- scheduled discussion of whether or not Kurt Stocklmeir will finally reveal whether or not I am cursed. Who will be cursed next, here on sweeps week in sci.physics? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: creation & copyrights Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 18:14:31 -0500 Phineas T Puddleduck (phineaspuddleduck@googlemail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) said: > > > > This is why I like reading the physics newsgroups. They give > > me so many wonderful ideas for ruining old TV shows. 'Cause so > > many sci.physics articles challenge my brain to use new types > > of logic that aren't logic. Just like the laws of physics break > > down inside a black hole's singularity, the laws of logic break > > down when you're at the dark center of sci.physics. > > Even worse of course, is the anti-world of sci.physics - the twisted > heart which can only be entered by those pure of sanity. It's > obtainable by setting your newsreader to give complex-number message > ID's. Brad Guth knows, he's been there. He's seen things that would > make a penguin eat a banana fritter. But then how does alt.sci.physics.new-theories fit into your Grand Unified Theory Of Other People's Crazy Rants? It's the evil twin of sci.physics where everybody is equally insane, instead of just 99% of them being insane. 98% of them if you disqualify me for being able to let go of the exclamation point key after the first three!!! -- K. PEOPLE OF THE WORLD, EAT MORE SCIENCE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Australia Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 01:35:42 -0500 In sci.physics and sci.astro, kurtstocklmeir@earthlink.net wrote [quoted in full]: > > I do not know why Jean wants to go to Australia. > > I do not think most people are trying to go to Australia. > > Kurt Stocklmeir Let me address the theories in your monograph separately: 1.) Who's Jean? 2.) Then where are most people going? 3.) What's a Kurt Stocklmeir? Seriously, Kurt, we're not mind-readers. If you're going to expect sympathy when you complain that Jean is going to a continent that's not one of your five favorite continents, you'll to need to tell us who you're talking about. Is it Jean Reno? 'Cause if so, I think maybe the only reason he crashed that helicopter into the train inside the Chunnel was because of one of your curses. -- K. Otherwise it would have been plausible for him to make it all the way to France. I like that sequence because it's so gleefully implausible, and also because Jean Reno dies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ed Bradley Attacked by Death Ray Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 02:13:27 -0500 shelly (shelly@cat-sidh.net) wrote: > > Why'd ya' do it, Kibo? Why? What, you mean this article I wrote last year? -> -> You might recall that, back when I had access to l'AFP's newswire, -> they would print about one story a month about the wonders of -> Romania's nonexistent "Dracula Land" amusement park. -> -> On my TV right now, Ed Bradley is reporting a "60 Minutes" piece on -> how all hopes for Romania's economic future depend on the construction -> of Dracula Land. Obviously, I used the A.R.K D.E.A.T.H R.A.Y on Ed Bradley just so that you would dig up that article and spur me to quote it, thus causing a resurgence in AFP's Dracula Land Mania! I wonder if they ever built Dracula Land. And whether it looks as wonderful as the mockup they showed Ed Bradley: Dracula Land (from the imaginary world of 2005) http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005/2005_05_dracula_land_tv_1.jpg Hmm, I just did a quick Flickr.com search, and neither "Dracula Land" nor "DraculaLand" turned up any photos that look like that, so apparently Dracula Land is still an amusement park only fictional characters can visit. That means not even Dracula can go there, 'cause he was real. However, Sherlock Holmes was imaginary, but I don't know whether or not he's permitted to visit the Holmes museum they set up at the real 221B Baker Street. It makes my head hurt just to think about it for eight hours without blinking. Maybe they should just put Dracula Land in 221A Baker Street. Anyway, sorry, Ed. Also dead this weekend: Jack Palance died, but not many people noticed, 'cause he's still doing push-ups. Sid Davis died too. I don't even have to look them up to make a wager that I'm the one who most recently mentioned each of them. Hmm, a Google search says that I did indeed kill Jack Palance, and nobody ever mentioned Sid Davis, so I'm going to take responsibility for him too because nobody else knows who he is. (He wrote and narrated a lot of '50s "educational" films about the dangers of letting a stranger abduct you on your way home from elementary school, especially if you're a boy.) This January, I wrote: => => The most recent version of the "Believe It Or Not!" TV series, with => Dean Cain, never seemed intense enough. The old one with Jack Palance => was closer to the way the material should have been presented, because => Jack Palance always manages to communicate that even his dark, sinister => side has another even darker, more sinister side. That article also mentioned Bob Hope and Samuel Gompers, and yet nobody ever gives me credit for them. Bye, Jack. I miss you plenty. And I will never forget your words of wisdom: "I forget what my name is, but I know it began with... an ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" ("Solar Crisis") -- K. I wish I could get most of my face blown off in a war just so I could become as handsome as Jack Palance did. His head was a sculptural miracle of manly power. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Jack Palance (was: Ed Bradley Attacked by Death Ray) Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 02:58:51 -0500 I just wrote: > > I wish I could get most of my face blown > off in a war just so I could become as > handsome as Jack Palance did. His head > was a sculptural miracle of manly power. Correction! His face didn't get blown off, it was just super road rash from getting smashed into the ground at a couple hundred miles an hour: [www.washingtonpost.com] -> -> [...] -> -> Born in Pennsylvania in 1919, Palance was a professional boxer -> who injured his throat in a fight, leaving him with his signature -> raspy voice, before serving in World War Two. [www.washingtonpost.com -- different article] => => [...] => => He decided to use his size and strength as a prizefighter, => but after two hapless years that resulted in little more than => a broken nose, he joined the Army Air Corps in 1942. [www.latimes.com] -> -> [...] -> -> When World War II came, he served in the Army Air Forces. -> A bomber pilot who had seen little action, he was at the -> controls when his plane lost an engine and slammed nose-first -> into the ground. He suffered severe head injuries and -> required extensive facial reconstruction. So the boxing is what gave him that great voice and his nose, and everything else is from a plane crash. Other obits simply say he was discharged "after being knocked unconscious". I guess they figured it would be in bad taste to say he was "knocked faceless". Anyway, I loved the guy. He knew how to use what was left of his face and voice, and he radiated such glee in whatever role he was in that even things like "Solar Crisis" became momentarily entertaining whenever he was on the screen. It's too bad they haven't brought out his "Dracula" TV-movie on DVD, 'cause you gotta admit, nobody else could have had as much fun playing Dracula. Jack Palance was the _best_ scenery-chewer ever. He just seemed to be happy all the time. Usually that's just wrong, but he made it seem so right. -- K. I guess if anyone on the Internet had to kill him, I'm glad it was me. I hope someone as cool as him can return the favor when it's time for me to die. (I'm looking at you, Tadanobu Asano! Or Jack Black. Whichever of you guys comes up with the funniest way to do it.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ed Bradley Attacked by Death Ray Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 18:00:18 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hmm, a Google search says that I did indeed kill Jack Palance > > and Jack Williamson: > > Message-ID: (kibo-2501051736140001@10.0.1.2) Whaaaaaa? I thought he'd already been dead a long time, therefore I couldn't have possibly meant to kill him. And that's proof all the murders I've been committing are strictly accidental! Although I don't archive my articles my Message-ID: (largely because my articles don't have Message-ID:s until _after_ they leave my computer) I take it you're referring to what I said last year: In January, 2005, I wrote: > > -> The World Robot Declaration issued on Feb. 25 states that: > -> > -> - Next-generation robots will be partners that coexist with > -> human beings; > -> > -> - Next-generation robots will assist human beings both > -> physically and psychologically; > -> > -> - Next-generation robots will contribute to the realization of a > -> safe and peaceful society. > > So, I take it they've never read Jack Williamson's "With Folded Hands". > All three of these rules lead inexorably to everyone in the world > getting a lobotomy from a Japanese robot in order to make everyone > safe and peaceful all the time, whether they want to be or not. > > And then at last we'll be able to enjoy "Pokemon" cartoons! Note that technically, that article was a repost of something I had written in 2004. In between the two times I name-checked Jack Williamson, Bill Shymanski also mentioned him, so you could give him the blame if you bend the rules so that reposts don't count: Earlier in January, 2005, Bill Shymanski wrote: > > [re the crummy "I, Robot" movie] > > The writers of the film missed the critical point of Asimov's stories > entirely. Who wants to watch a story about tricky little logic puzzles > when you can have all the robots light up red (the traditional color of > robot rage) and start a massive killing spree? Ê I finally figured out > the reason for the red light was that CGI robots looked stupid wearing > black hats. OK, there was a tiny bit of "The Evitable Conflict" towards > the end, though the scenario was really heading more toward "With Folded > Hands" (which should have gotten Jack Williamson a credit). ...but as we all know, reposts are even more important than original articles, therefore, I win. (I always win. And that's what I want my tombstone to say no matter how many robots kill me in the distant future year 2093.) So that means the scorecard for this weekend is as follows: Ed Bradley -- DEAD because I said his name Sid Davis -- DEAD because if anyone had said his name, it would've been me Jack Palance -- DEAD because I said his name Jack Williamson -- DEAD because I said his name Nobody but me scored even a single kill. Apparently I'm getting good at this without even trying. Jack Williamson was 98. "With Folded Hands" was a great (and pivotally important) early science fiction story about evil robots. That was the one where the rhodomagnetic drones make it their life's work to protect all humans from harm all the time, which makes everyone miserable. He published his first science fiction story in 1928 and his last in 2005. Wow. He was there before the Golden Age and kept writing about fifty years past it. I don't know whether his recent stuff was anywhere near as good as his best-known stories, but in any case he did write some unforgettable stuff, and he wrote for almost seventy years, so that makes him pretty respectable even by my standards. (It only seems like I've been writing for alt.religion.kibology for seventy years. It's actually been just 15. A.r.k is a teenager!) -- K. I'm so glad I was never programmed with the First Law Of Robotics. My Prime Directive actually says something about it being okay to push people out of the way if they're between me and White Castle. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ed Bradley Attacked by Death Ray Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 18:11:29 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And that's proof all the murders I've been committing are > > strictly accidental! > > I've been told that the Death Ray doesn't work if you aim it on > purpose. Why BOB HOPE would BOB HOPE you (who are not BOB HOPE) say BOB HOPE that? And didja ever think I was secretly trying to keep Bob Hope alive forever just so that killing him would be the world's greatest challenge for me, the King Of Terror, Spokesman For Earth, And Killer Of People Who Nobody Remembered Were Alive? That reminds me, I have to call up my friend Andy... Smith... and tell him he can legally call himself "Mr. Bob Hope" now that the first one's dead. -- K. He's currently performing Vegas as "The Extremely, Extremely, Extremely Fat Elvis". At that casino that has a clown in every vistor's hotel room. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (repost): Three-Way Argument Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 02:22:41 -0500 I previously posted this in 1992, and I'm reposting it now because (a) I just forced a friend to read "Gšdel, Escher, Bach" so now I know at least one person will finally appreciate this story and (b) I like the one clever thing it contains. See whether you can circle it before the timer buzzes! It's a pastiche of Douglas Hofstadter doing a pastiche of Lewis Carroll whose name wasn't actually Lewis Carroll but that hardly matters because my story is now fourteen years old so he would have stopped liking it a couple years back. THREE-WAY ARGUMENT ================== (Achilles, Einstein, and Spot are in discussing meta-logic.) ACHILLES: So, Herr Professor Einstein, I do believe you were about to tell us about some rib-tickling PARADOXES. SPOT: What's a paradox? EINSTEIN: Vell, Spot, a good example is the EPIMENEDES PARADOX, forumlated by Epimenedes, a philosopher from Crete. He said "All Cretans are liars." SPOT: So he was a liar, then? ACHILLES: Oh, I get it... if he were lying, then the statement would be false, and thus he would NOT be a liar... I say, this is a real knee-slapper! SPOT: Whine! I don't get it. EINSTEIN: It's equivalent to saying "I AM LYING," which is what Captain Kirk said to make that android's head explode. Zee, if Kirk is telling the truth, he is lying. If he is lying, he is telling the truth. Thus, Kirk cannot be either lying or telling the truth. (Smoke comes out of Spot's ears as the Professor continues.) EINSTEIN: Then there is the RUSSELL PARADOX, named for you-know-who. ACHILLES: Dear old Bertrand R., co-author of the PRINCIPIA MATHEMATICA! EINSTEIN: The one and the same. Envision, if you will, all possible sets, sets of anything. ACHILLES: Okay. SPOT: Huh? EINSTEIN: Now imagine the SET OF ALL SETS. It is a member of itself, right? ACHILLES: Okay. SPOT: What? It can't be... ACHILLES: Trust us, it is. What next, Herr Professor? EINSTEIN: Since some sets contain themselves, but most do not, think of the SET OF ALL SETS WHICH CONTAIN THEMSELVES. Logically, there must be a set of all the other sets, THE SET OF ALL SETS WHICH DO NOT CONTAIN THEMSELVES. Now, which of those two sets does the latter set belong IN? ACHILLES: Oh! Gosh! That's simply stunning! SPOT: Waaaaah! I don't get it! I guess it's because I'm just a stupid little puppy. EINSTEIN: Okay, Spot, I vill try to give you a simpler example, one even a stupid little puppy like you may understand. It is THE SPOT PARADOX! SPOT: Wow, my own paradox? ACHILLES: Lucky you! EINSTEIN: THE SPOT PARADOX says "Spot is a stupid little puppy." ACHILLES: Hmm... oh yeah... I like that! Very sutble, yet mordant. You have a true gift, Herr Professor. SPOT: Wait... how can that be a paradox? It's TRUE! There's nothing inherently contradictory about it! THE SPOT PARADOX isn't a paradox at all! I don't understand any of this! EINSTEIN: Shall I draw you a diagram, stupid little puppy? (Just then, Achilles stubs his heel on a discarded syringe which is contaminated with rabies, because they are sitting in Spot's back yard.) ACHILLES: Arrr! Arrrrr! Grrrrr. (He kills Einstein and Spot.) So there you go, a story from the early '90s. Well, not a story so much as a thing without an ending. But thankfully, now that it's 2006, the Internet has helped us evolve beyond the need for content having beginnings, endings, middles, or content. I'm like YouTube, without the videos! -- K. And yet I still use just as much bandwidth. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: STORY (repost): Three-Way Argument Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 23:00:14 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@spamela.brainhz.com) wrote: > > Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > > > DUH, Kibo, *I* read GEB before I ever read Kibo. > > Wow, so did I. In retrospect, that is hard to believe. Of course, because you can't prove it with symbolic logic, and therefore it represents an unreachable truth in our formal system, thus destroying Aristotelian logic forever and leading into something like a wacky "Doctor Who" adventure where Adric keeps mispronouncing big words. "Metamagical Themas" had some good stuff but wasn't nearly as intellectually-stimulating as "Gšdel, Escher, Bach", and my enjoyment of "Principia Mathematica" was ruined by that mistake in it. You know the one I'm talking about. > My favorite paradox is the sleeping beauty paradox, because idiots are still > arguing about it on the Internet. It goes like this: I put you in a > trance then flip a fair coin. If it comes up heads, I (a) wake you, > (b) ask you QUESTION X, (c) wipe all memory of this experience, and > (d) put you back into your trance. > > If the coin instead comes up tails, I perform steps (a)-(d) twice. > The second time you have no memory of whether you've been asked before. > But you are asked the same question, QUESTION X, twice. > > QUESTION X is, "what are the odds the coin came up heads?" > > Foolish people think the answer is 1/2 because it is a fair coin. > Other foolish people think there is no real answer because probability > is undefined whenever you are feigning vapid open-mindedness. And don't forget "I flipped this fair coin ten times and it came up heads ten times in a row, so what will happen next?" People with gambling problems will say "It's _due_ for tails!" and throw money at you, mathematicians will say "Doesn't matter what already happened, it's still going to be 50/50 odds", and realists will say "You probably lied to me about it being a fair coin, so I'll bet heads." And then you divide people up into three countries (on a Venn-Diagram-shaped continent) based on their answers and then you try to start a world war between those three countries and that other country where everybody always lies, even the barbers. Note how we've both avoided mentioning the Monty Hall Problem, because we don't want THE WORLD'S SMARTEST PERSON Marilyn Vos Savant to show up and lecture us on how her answer is more correct than the ones that are given by people who know what they're talking about (such as the fictional characters in reruns of "NUMB3RS" who spend all their time solving crimes by dumping Mentos into Diet Coke.) Marilyn Vos Savant is THE WORLD'S SMARTEST TWIT. -- K. In this town, there are only two barbers, and they're both bald, so how can they cut each other's hair? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: STORY (repost): Three-Way Argument Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 18:04:56 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I previously posted this in 1992, and I'm reposting it now because > > [...] I like the one clever thing it contains. See whether you can > > circle it before the timer buzzes! > > Gimme a few more minutes. I've only been looking for it for 14 years. Perhaps the clever thing is that I'm the only person in the world who has ever gone his whole life deliberately avoiding ever doing any clever things? That makes me very special! And the world's greatest "Match Game '76" player. "Now, Kibo, to win this game, you must think of the most predictable possible answer to this extremely lame dirty riddle..." And that's why I won a billion dollars with the help of Brett Somers's idiocy. -- K. I wish I were a game show host instead of just a lowly contestant. I never want to be a panelist. I'm just not gay enough to sit between Charles Nelson Reilly, Paul Lynde, Bruce Villanch, and Regis Philbin. In fact, nobody's _anything_ enough to sit near Regis Philbin every day. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Infomercials Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 02:40:03 -0500 "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > I also hate informercials... That's why we've replaced your tired old infomercials with super new EXTREME INFOMERCIALS! Now how much would you pay not to watch them? Fifty dollars? One hundred dollars? Two hundred? But before you answer, have you stopped beating your wife? > but for some reason it ticks me off even more when they have the > fake interviewer who asks leading questions. So, you refuse to answer! That prove you're still beating your wife unless you buy this DVD containing all the EXTREME INFOMERCIALS you will ever need. It's only $19.95, and is not available in stores no matter how hard you beat your wife! > I guess if you're dumb enough to buy from an infomercial, you're dumb > enough to believe anything. Today at Micro Center I saw this for sale: A wireless grounding strap. One end goes around your wrist, and the other end is in the fourth dimension. It protects you from static discharges by sitting on your wrist inertly like a plain loop of cloth, thereby tricking the static electricity into pausing to write "W.W.J.D.?" on your wristband, giving you time to hit it with the sort of flyswatter that kills electricity. I am not making this up. A wireless grounding strap. That's like having a stringless fishing line. I almost bought it just so I could tell you people whether all the laws of physics changed when I put it on and touched some live wires, but then I had a better idea. WHAT'S YOUR BETTER IDEA, KIBO? I said "There's got to be a better way!" so instead of buying the stupid thing, I just posted about it! In fact, you're reading that post now! Look at your screen! My post has appeared like magic! WOW, KIBO, YOU'RE A GENIUS! YOUR POST IS GREAT! IT'S A BARGAIN EVEN IF IT CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE... OR CAN IT? Why, yes it can! This very article you are now reading is slicing every vegetable in your kitchen! It slices, it dices, and it does all the things you're too busy to do while you're beating your wife! It housebreaks the dog and prevents you from changing TV channels while your favorite program is on! It fires lasers in ALL directions! But wait, there's more! With this article body you also get a full set of headers, AT NO ADDITIONAL COST even though they're A ONE TRILLION DOLLAR VALUE! > Cue stories of A.R.K. doods and doodettes who have bought stuff from > infomercials and it was gud and therefore im wrong. I like to buy old comic books from the people who host infomercials 'cause the people who sell them at flea markets are too creepy. -- K. The wireless grounding strap was actually a package of two, because that way you and a friend could stay connected via the silver cord that runs through the aethereal plane known only to elves who shop at Micro Center. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: somebody knows! Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 03:14:43 -0500 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > And what's with all these new kids all over my lawn? Why aren't they > following up Kibo's post about people tasting like bacon? Has this what > kibology has become? Pants-wearing, bacon-hating minions of Simon Le Bon? I think people are just plain tired of hearing my rant about how human flesh isn't as delicious as it's advertised to be, and why I wish the Wursthaus was still open in Harvard Square. I need to come up with a new way to shock people, as apparently having a desire for cannibalism to not be so icky is in itself not so icky. And when I say "a new way to shock people" I mean something more clever than a cattle prod with a twist ending that can zap people around corners. What I need is a simple sentence I can say to ruin whatever elegant dinner party I'm at that night. You know, like, "CARROT TOP SURE KNOWS HOW TO FRENCH KISS!" or "I'VE WATCHED EVERY EPISODE OF 'HAPPY DAYS', BUT ONLY BECAUSE THAT'S MY ALIBI FOR THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION!" or "YOU CAN USE A LIVE BUG AS A CONTACT LENS IF YOU'RE NOT A TOTAL PUSS!" So, anyway, help me think of something scarier than subjunctive cannibalism. Also, be sure to mention to everyone you know that I killed Jack Palance. He was awesome, so I'm pretty proud of killing him. -- K. Has there ever been a famous cannibal who kept strictly kosher? I would think that would involve finding a rabbi who was really nearsighted. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: WHAT IS PHYSICAL VACCUUM?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 17:37:52 -0500 In sci.physics, "NILS B…RJESSON" (borje@ludd.luth.se) posted this article nine times within two minutes: > > WHAT IS PHYSICAL > VACCUUM????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? > ????????????????????????????? There's no such thing. Nature abhors a vacuum and question marks rush in to fill it up. This is why astronauts always wear butt plugs, because otherwise if they ever break wind in space question marks would fill up their colon. Well, actually, that's only one of the two reasons Buzz Aldrin wore a butt plug under his Masonic apron under his spacesuit. Anyway, astronauts are terrified of having their colons replaced with question marks, and you should be too. > GIVEN:::::::::::::: That's better. Keep that plug in there tight! > KONTAINER KONTAINER KONTAINER KONTAINER KONTAINER > KONTAINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW IST DER TIME ON SHPROCKETS VEN VE DANCE!!! > IN THE KONTAINER ARE: ASTROLOGY, PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY, > BIOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S NOW SO LOUD IN HERE THAT YOU JUST TURNED SCI.PHYSICS INTO A GAY BAR!!! PLEASE CHANGE IT TO SOME PLACE THAT MIGHT NOT BE SO ANNOYING TO BE, LIKE A '50S MALT SHOP AT A TEMPERATURE OF NINE HUNDRED DEGREES!!! > IF ALL MATTER, ALL SOLIDS, LIQUIDS, GASES, ALL CELLS; > ALL ATOMS OF THE PERIODICAL ATOMIC SYSTEM; > ALL PARTICLES, BOTH ELEMENTARY AND COMPLEX FORMS; > ALL PROTONS, NEUTRONS AND ELECTRONS > ALL HADRONS, ALL BARYONS, ALL MESONS, ALL QUARKS: > DOWN, UP: STRANGE, CHARM: BOTTOM TOP,,,, ALL LEPTONS > ALL PARTICLES IN THE 1994 PARTICLE PHYSICS BOOKLET;;;;;;;;;;;;;; > ARE ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED > ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED > ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED > ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED > ELIMINATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Logan-5, it is time for Carousel. Oh, by the way, a writing tip: Adding more exclamation points doesn't make things any truer after the third one. Science has determined that statements with three exclamation points are completely true, so you can stop at three. Two if you're not sure about something. One if you're just killing space. > IF IN ADDITION ALL ELECTRIC FIELDS, ALL ELECTRIC VOLTAGE, AMPEREAGE, > CURRENT, CHARGE, CPACITANCE, CONDUCTORS, ISOLATORS, POTENTIALS, > ALL MAGNETIC FIELDS, INDUKTION, MAXWELL ETC. ETC. > ALL ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION, ALL RADIO-WAVES, ALL TV- WAVES, > ALL DOPPLERS, ALL MICRO-WAVES, ALL INFRARED LIGHTS, ALL LIGHT > IN THE VISIBLE SPECTRUM, ALL SPECTRAL LINES, ALL ULTRAVIOLEETT LIGHTS, > ALL X-RAYS AND GAMMA-RAYS, ALL RADIOAKTIVITY, BOTH ALPHA, BETA AND GAMMA, > ALL FISSION AND FUSION, ALL SPONTANOES NEUTRON MATTERIALIZATION DEVICES, ALL > WEAK AND STRONG FORCES;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; > ARE ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED > ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED > ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED > ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED > ELIMINATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I like the idea of these "ULTRAVIOLEET" lights. I've heard of warm light and cool light, but L33T lights would be AW3SUM, and ULTRAVI0L33T would be B1FFTACULARLY NUKULAR in their AW3SUMNESSITY. I hereby award you The Nobel Prize For Being The New B1FF. I'm E-mailing your prize to your B1T.NET address. It'll arrive as soon as the exclamation point factory refills the Internet's supply. > FURTHER MORE ALL INERTIA, ALL MOTIONS, ALL FORCES, ALL STATIC FORCES, > ALL DUYNAMICAL FORCES, ALL PRESSURES, ALL TEMPERATURES, ALL ENTROPYS, > ALL ENTALPYS, ALL HEAT ALL THERMODYNAMICS, ALL STATISTICAL MECHANICS > ALL QUANTUMS, BOTH GAUGE BOSONS, AS: W AND Z AND PHOTONS AND GLUONS > ARE ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED > ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED > ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED > ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED > ELIMINATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yesterday I suggested that Archimedes Plutonium become a rapper. You, on the other hand, are science's greatest punk rocker. What colors are your hair? (Mine's sort of metallic gold. My hair has electrons all over it! That symbolizes the union between punk rock and science!) > ALSO ALL GRAVITY, ALL CURVATURE, BOTH RIEMANN-TENSOR, RICCI TENSOR, > RICCI-SCALEAR, ALL TORSION ALL ACUSTIC SOUND ALL STRESS-ENERGY TENSOR ARE > ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED > ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED ELIMINATED > ELIMINATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know, I think you might feel strongly about something, but I'm not sure. I was wrong -- you did need to use one more exclamation point if you had wanted to convince me. > THE KONTAINERS ARE COOLED DOWN TO ABSOLUTE ZERO AND MOVED > FAR FAR AWAY FROM OTHER > BODIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > ! That's the way to do it. That one extra exclamation point. Now I'm sold. Where do I send my fifty dollars in order to receive a pamphlet about your new sex education system and other issues relating to bodies not touching other bodies? > , ERHLLES ETT VAKUUM SOM €R RENT OCH > URSPRUNGLIGT. > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHPROCKETS! SHPROCKETS! SHPROCKETS! OKAY TIME FOR DANCING IS NOW OVER BECAUSE YOUR PUNCTUATION HAS GROWN TIRESOME! > , A CLEAN VACUUM IS RECEIVED, FREE AND > PRIMITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Free And Primitive" was an even better TV special than "Free To Be You And Me", especially the part where Marlo Thomas chewed off Alan Alda's leg. I heard Crispin Glover is making it into a 3-D IMAX movie featuring him, Andy Warhol, Andy Kaufman, the Sex Pistols, and Ben Stiller all beating each other to death with their own legs. Now THAT'S science! -- K. BEN STILLER WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! P.S.: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLLLO DOWWWWN THERRRRE!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: WHAT IS PHYSICAL VACCUUM?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 23:30:50 -0500 In sci.physics, Edward Green (spamspamspam3@netzero.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > You bastard! NILS made me laugh until I choked, and you tried to > finish the job. But I foiled you: I stopped reading your post before > I completely choked to death. Nyaaah. It's okay, I already killed enough people this weekend. I'm still upset about Jack Palance, though. Some people say celebrities die in threes, but that's not always true. However, science still cannot explain why celebrities always die within four days before or after a weekend! I'm really enjoying the idea of ALL-CAPS NILS as a punk rocker. His stuff would make the world's most obnoxious lyrics. I wonder where I could find a post-punk-neo-Internet-fusion-techno-disco-Web-2.0- zydeklesmer-pre-punk band that could record his stuff... And whether they have an orange and blue Web site with almost as many broken links as my own Web site... And whether the crazy people's supermarket ever went out of business... And whether I've beaten this paragraph to death... And whether ALL-CAPS NILS would prefer I ended it with a block of sixteen thousand little dots....... . . . . circle O O circle dot . . dot now you've got the cootie shot! -- K. That's exactly what the Internet needs: One big cootie shot. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: If you think _your_ E-mail is slow... Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 20:14:05 -0500 Remember the late 1980s, when it sometimes took two weeks for E-mail to get where it was going, especially if you were writing to Australia? I just got a bunch of somewhat important messages from eBay, concerning auctions that ended two weeks ago. Here's a sample header chunk from one of them (with my actual E-mail address bleeped out): Received: from mxpool01.ebay.co