From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Apparently it stands for "Krappy Futuristic Contemporization". Date: Tue, 14 Nov 2006 16:04:54 -0500 It's press release day! Better than that, it's LOUD PRESS RELEASE DAY! [www.kfc.com] -> -> November 14, 2006 -> -> KFC CREATES WORLD'S FIRST BRAND VISIBLE FROM SPACE AS COLONEL -> SANDERS TAKES ONE SMALL STEP FOR HUMANKIND BUT ONE GIANT LEAP -> FOR FRIED CHICKEN -> -> *** -> -> KFC BOLDLY GOES WHERE NO BRAND HAS GONE BEFORE BY UNVEILING -> ASTRONOMICAL, 87,500 SQUARE-FOOT, CONTEMPORIZED COLONEL SANDERS -> LOGO IN AREA 51 DESERT TO LAUNCH "KFC OF THE FUTURE" Wouldn't it be more appropriate to do this down the road at Area 57, where their secret ingredient was bred? It seems silly for them to drive all that way without paying tribute to the birthplace of Animal 57. -> *** -> -> Global Re-Image Campaign Contemporizes Entire Look of KFC -- -> From Logo to Restaurant Design, Advertising, Packaging, -> Point-of-Sale, Uniforms and More Press release in five words: "Improving Everything But The Food." THE END. Hmm, can I do it in four? "More Ads, Same Food." THE END. Three? "Still Not Popeye's." THE END. Uh oh, I can't type "THE END." any more because the "END" key on my keyboard just broke. -> LOUISVILLE, KY -- KFC Corporation (a division of YUM! Brands, -> Inc. NYSE:YUM) today became the world's first brand visible -> from outer space by unveiling a record-breaking 87,500 square -> feet, updated Colonel Sanders logo in the Area 51 desert. The -> event marks the official debut of a massive global re-image -> campaign that will contemporize 14,000-plus KFC restaurants in -> over 80 countries over the next few years. This does not compute... "comtemporize"... but "KFC of the future"... "contemporize"... "future"... error... error... contradiction detected... contradiction can only be solved by the presentation of notarized proof that time machines are real... -> KFC's new fresh look updates one of the most recognized, -> respected and beloved brand icons in the world and spans all -> visual elements from logo to restaurant design, advertising, -> packaging, uniforms and more. The new Colonel Sanders no longer looks as Japanese as he did on the bucket signs from twenty years ago. Why is KFC not proud of their founder's Japanese heritage? They keep making his eyes more and more Caucasian. Next they'll probably add a tagline below the logo explaining "'F' is for 'Fried', not for 'Tempura'!" His hair seems to have gotten awfully helmety, too. Maybe he went bald and they just trowled some mashed potatoes onto his head. -> The new logo depicts Colonel Sanders with his signature string -> tie, but for the first time, replaces his classic white, -> double-breasted suit with a red apron. ...to conceal the bloodstains! Animal 57s squirt when you squeeze them down the tube into the shredder. -> The apron symbolizes the home-style culinary heritage of the -> brand and reminds customers that KFC is always in the kitchen -> cooking delicious, high-quality, freshly prepared chicken by -> hand, just the way Colonel Sanders did 50 years ago. Yeah, right. I think that 50 years ago, Colonel Sanders would have been pretty horrified at the idea that eventually KFC would start pushing the idea of getting your entire meal scrambled together in a dog food bowl of mashed potatoes with corn, chicken nuggets, and gravy on top. Come to think of it, I'm pretty horrified whenever I see that abomination on their menu. I know that little kids won't eat anything where two foods are mixed together or touching or damp, but how can any grownups want their entree and side dishes and gravy all stirred together into a beige mealwad? Okay, I guess some people do enjoy shepherd's pie, but still, nobody would be willing to put it in their mouths if it came out of whatever bin KFC ladles their instant mashed potatoes and chicken blobs out of. It's just not generally a good idea to make a doggie dinner out of _good_ ingredients, let alone the potato flakes and mucilage gravy and popcorn-free popcorn chicken that KFC uses. Since I already demanded KFC produce their time machine, I also demand they use it to prove that the late Colonel Sanders would approve of all their current globs-in-an-unflushed-bowl menu items. If you don't believe me that KFC is now pushing dumpware-style meals, see: http://www.kfc.com/menu/bowls_potato.asp with the key glamour shot of the goop mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_kfc_bowls_potato.jpg The difference between KFC's potato bowls and fake vomit is that KFC puts it in a bowl. That's why it's only fake fake vomit. I believe the technical term for the way that entree looks is "ten minutes from diarrhea". -> "The Colonel is truly a global icon and we want everyone in the -> universe to see KFC's new look of the future," said Gregg -> Dedrick, president of KFC Corp. "KFC is boldly going where no -> brand has gone before as Colonel Sanders takes one small step -> for humankind, but one giant leap for fried chicken." He then yelled "I SAID 'LUNCH', NOT 'LAUNCH'! SHAZBOT! DOES NOT COMPUTE! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! SHAZBOT! BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY! FIFTY-SEVEN SKIDOO! AYYY, SIT ON IT! SHAZBOT!" while twirling around like crazy people would do if they were in outer space where twirling around was more socially acceptable due to the different physics up there. -> The giant Colonel Sanders logo was built off The World's Only -> Extraterrestrial Highway in Rachel, Nevada, also known as the -> "UFO Capital of the World," and the epicenter of inter-galactic -> communication. "Epicenter"? So KFC has now found a way to make earthquakes travel through intergalactic space? Is a long string involved, with two tin cans labelled "POWDERED POTATOES" on the ends? -> "If there are extraterrestrials in outer space, KFC wants to -> become their restaurant of choice. For now, we'll be very -> content satisfying the entire human population with our Finger -> Lickin' Good Chicken. He said this at the first convention of "Demolition Man" fans, but the microphone was broken so only three of the four could hear him. Yeah, I know that in "Demolition Man" the restaurants were actually Taco Bells (or Pizza Huts in the European edit) but Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, and KFC are all the same chain. And besides, only KFC ever puts out press releases where they promise the elimination of all non-fried foods. -> Besides, who knows if extraterrestrials even have fingers? "Maybe they won't, and that'll make it okay for us to deep-fry them!" -> If we hear back from a life form in space today -- whether -> NASA astronauts or a signal from some life form on Mars -- -> we'll send up some Original Recipe Chicken," said Dedrick. Extra Crispy is too much for aliens to handle. Spock likes his chicken soggy. He's used to the boneless microwaved oval "fried" chicken pucks Swanson's been putting in its TV dinners for the past ten years or so. I know he doesn't like meat, but he has to eat TV dinners all the time anyway because otherwise all those TV screens on the Bridge would be a waste of space. And although KFC has designs on cooking and eating any extraterrestrials that don't have fingers, Scotty is safe because he was born on Earth. He can relax while he pilots the Enterprise through the KFC's Warp Drive-Thru lane, steering the ship with all nine of his fingers. -> Earthlings can join in the fun today by visiting www.kfc.com to -> see the huge logo and have a chance to win by spotting the -> Colonel's secret message hidden within the Area 51 desert logo. -> The first 10,000 sharp-eyed KFC fans to correctly identify the -> secret message and post the answer at www.kfc.com will win a -> certificate for a free KFC Snacker sandwich. Those who incorrectly identify the secret message will be processed by the Colonel's secret team of grinder operators. -> The Colonel's Top Secret Mission -> -> The massive logo, which was referred to as the "Face from -> Space" by the project team, is so large it dwarfs one of -> America's largest and most famous landmarks -- Mt. Rushmore. The -> huge carved faces of Presidents Washington, Jefferson, -> Roosevelt and Lincoln would all fit easily in the "Face from -> Space." There would even be enough room left over for a fifth -> presidential face in the Colonel Sanders logo! Yeah, but why bother? It's inevitable that Colonel Sanders will get added to the real Mount Rushmore. By 2050, it'll be Colonel Sanders, the Pep Boys, Mr. Softee, and President Shatner. -> It took a team of nearly 50 designers, engineers, scientists -> (including astrophysicists), architects and other professionals -> working nearly three months to conceive, create and execute -> building the world's largest logo. ...conveniently ignoring Jupiter's Great Red Spot placed there in the 1980s by the 7-Up corporation. -> The "Face from Space" took more than 3,000 hours to create from -> inception to launch and was built by Synergy, a leading event -> company. Synergy is one of the corporate world's leading manufacturers of synergy, though they still haven't started mass-producing irony the way some of the viral-marketing firms have. Note that if your corporation does business with Synergy, there might be some months where you have a surplus of synergy, and you can trade your excess synergy through the synergy futures market set up by Synron. Hmm, suddenly I understand the "Snron" brand rubber gloves they sell in Chinatown. I used to think it was just a nonsns wrd, but now I know that Snron gloves are protective gear for Synron workers to use when cleaning up synergy spills. -> The logo consists of 65,000 one-foot by one-foot painted tile -> pieces that were assembled like a giant jigsaw puzzle: 6,000 -> red, 14,000 white, 12,000 eggshell, 5,000 beige and 28,000 -> black. North Korea laughs at this puny display and goes back to spending 364 days of the year practicing for the Arirang Mass Games. -> The logo took 24 days, working around-the-clock, to manufacture -> and ultimately produce. It then took six days on site to -> construct the logo, during which time the logo design pieces -> were kept hidden and under cover from identified and -> unidentified flying objects. -> -> Area 51's secretive nature and link to classified aircraft -> research and reports of unusual phenomena, have led it to -> become the centerpiece of modern UFO and conspiracy theory. -> Other key activities associated with Area 51 include rumors of -> meetings with extraterrestrials, the development of time travel -> technology and the storage, examination and reverse engineering -> of crashed alien spacecraft (including material supposedly -> recovered at Roswell, NM). Um, Area 51 isn't just "secretive", it's forbidden to tresspass on. The thing is, if Synergy actually did sneak this thing within the perimeters of Area 51, their employees would have been shot on sight. Unless they disintegrated all the MPs with their synergy rays. "Set your synergizers to 'flack'!" "Aw, mine's just stuck on 'flak'." -> Due to the unprecedented nature of the project, the team -> endured numerous twists and turns along the way including a -> freak torrential downpour that rendered the original site -> inaccessible. The first location was in the flatlands of Utah -> near the home of the very first KFC restaurant. ...in the part of Utah where Kentucky is located. I guess "Utah Fried Chicken" didn't sound as nice, especially as the chain didn't want their restaurants filling up with squeaky- clean Mormons who wouldn't properly mess up the bathrooms to the level of filth we all expect at KFC. -> A state-of-the-art GEO satellite captured the image of the logo -> as it circled the earth at an altitude of 423 miles. To see an -> image of the logo go www.kfc.com. This is only the fourth time -> in more than 50 years that the logo has changed. Does this mean there will be new TV commercials featuring a new version of the rapping cartoon Colonel voiced by Randy Quaid? Whether or not that happens, I want KFC to use their time machine to ask the real Colonel Sanders how he feels about being a funky rapper, yo. -> KFC Restaurant of the Future -> -> After three years of testing different restaurant designs in -> the U.S. and international markets, KFC is today revealing its -> restaurant look of the future. KFC's new global image is in the -> process of rolling out in restaurants around the world and will -> be implemented in newly constructed stores within the next 12 -> months. Every restaurant will now feature the three seashells. Only the classiest Future KFCs will have the guy playing the "Roto-Rooter" jingle on the piano, the others will just have recordings of people telling you what the fines are for swearing. At every grand opening, Sylvester Stallone will make a personal appearance, biting the head off a rat and explaining that by the 2000, large corporations will make stupid decisions about paying for product placements where their food is said to be inferior to a dead rat. I really like that movie. Too bad I couldn't go to the convention. It would've been a pain to take the subway all five stops. -> The new global restaurant design is refreshing, contemporary, -> highly-differentiated Okay, now they're just stealing ideas from that "South Park" episode where Cartman tried to get some fetal stem cells to differentiate into a Shakey's Pizza. I've never been to a Shakey's, but I'd like to point out that their great contribution to world history is that it was a Shakey's pizza that Toru Iwatani had eaten a quarter of when he got the idea for "Pac-Man". Since this was in Japan, of course it was topped with creamed corn... hey, wait a minute. If Colonel Sanders really was Japanese (as my research would prove if that were true) then maybe the gloppy meal bowls with the corn in them truly were one of his ideas. -> and helps keep KFC relevant with -> customers by giving them a higher quality overall dining -> experience. The new design is based on thoughtful strategic -> tenets which provide a strong brand image foundation, while -> being flexible for different international market needs. It -> communicates a progressive and energetic spirit for KFC and -> prepares the brand for future global growth. Press release in one word: "Synergy." THE END. -> Design features for the U.S. may include: -> -> * Bright, bold graphics on the restaurant exterior and -> interior that incorporate the Kentucky Fried Chicken name as -> well as KFC, communicate a fresh sense of brand pride. African -> American artist Charly (Carlos) Palmer took KFC's historical -> icons and gave them an updated, cool and modern look. Hey, it's racist for KFC to suddenly point out that they have one African-American contractor. After all, they never specified whether or not Colonel Sanders was Japanese. "The machines in our factories are mass-producing authentic soul food! Here we see the honkie foreman giving orders to the honkie workers to honk the signal to activate the Animal 57 emulsifier, and over here we see other honkies separating the white meat from the dark meat. Finally, more honkies put the food-like product onto the honking trucks driven by honkies, and as they leave the factory they drive past a sign which has a logo which was updated BY A BLACK PERSON. And that's okay!" If KFC is really trying to futurize themselves, they at least need to have Nichelle Nichols sitting behind Colonel Sanders in most of the scenes. 'Cause by the 23rd century, black women will be accepted in society enough that it'll be okay to have them sitting there looking pretty while the men are doing their men stuff. -> * Graphics and pub signs that showcase the company's icons: -> "11 Secret Herbs and Spices," and "Finger Lickin' Good" and -> "Sunday Dinner, 7 Days a Week." I never understood the appeal of "Finger Lickin' Good". The implication is that the food is improved if you add the flavor of the crud from under your fingernails to it. I heard they also make fries you're supposed to clean your ears with before eating them. -> * Signature Symbols (the Colonel, the Bucket, Kentucky Fried -> Chicken) create distinctly-KFC retail style shopfront designs -> that invite customers inside with open glass. "Open glass"? Isn't that what holds your free refills? -> * Heroic use of our Signature Red color in a bold -> architectural way and crisp white design accents to keep the -> brand youthful and fresh. Ha ha, when people other than KFC paint their homes goofy colors it's an "eyesore", but KFC is "heroic". Take that, guy who lives in the pumpkin-colored house with the purple shutters! -> * Warm and contemporary interior designs with spacious and -> innovative seating help customers feel welcome and comfortable -> in groups or alone. "We've removed half the chairs, so you won't feel like such a loser when you eat at the restaurant by yourself." -> * Thoughtful interior and exterior lighting enhances the -> customer experience. "We have to light these 'bowl' entrees really carefully..." -> * A digital jukebox that is free of charge for customers to -> play the music they enjoy most. "Roto-Rooter, that's the name! Away go troubles, down the drain!" -> * Southern-inspired brand new menu items slow-cooked and -> served fast to star alongside KFC's core products. 'Cause when you want Hillbilly Stew, you want it fast! I know there's not really such a Southern entree as "Hillbilly Stew". But they did say "Southern-inspired", not "Southern". In the same way that Taco Bell has given us the "Meximelt" and the "Crispito" and the late lamented "Bellbeefer", KFC can now use this "-inspired" loophole to create things like "Animal 57 Pone" and "Extra Soggy Chicken Soaked In 'My Name Is Oil'". -> KFC Popularity Soars to New Heights as One of the World's -> Fastest Growing Brands -- Opening Up More Than One New -> Restaurant Each Day of the Year In the future, instead of saints, newly-cloned children will be named after which KFC restaurant was opened on the day they were born. "Good morning to you, Third KFC In The West Edmonton Mall! Be well and have synergy!" -> Since the first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant opened its -> doors in Utah in 1952, the brand continues to enjoy growing -> popularity around the world. The company's top markets outside -> the United States are China, the United Kingdom, Australia, -> South Korea, Mexico, and Europe, including France, Germany, the -> Netherlands and Holland. KFC is also tapping growth in -> important emerging markets such as India, Russia and Brazil. ...but note that there are no KFC restaurants in Quebec. This is because some other chain named "PFK" has that market sewed up. I heard that PFK also uses Animal 57, but they don't call it that because French doesn't have a word for "fifty". So it's actually listed on the menus as "Animal Forty Plus Seventeen", which sounds weird enough that even people who like poutine won't touch it. -> Each new restaurant opening brings jobs and career -> opportunities along with economic vitality for that community. Unless it's a community of chickens. Very few chickens ever get rich selling their bodies to KFC. -> KFC's enduring success and popularity is attributed to a -> relentless focus on great taste, high quality and the nearly -> 500,000 talented Customer Maniacs focused on providing great -> service to the 4.5 billion guests that visit our restaurants -> around the world each year. 4.5 billion? That's three-quarters of the world's population, so I found that highly dubious and -- wait, they didn't say _human_ guests. I forgot: cockroaches. -> About KFC -> -> KFC Corporation, based in Louisville, Ky., is the world's most -> popular chicken restaurant chain specializing in Original -> Recipe(R), Extra Crispy(TM) and Colonel's Crispy Strips(R) with -> home-style sides, Honey BBQ Wings, and freshly made chicken -> sandwiches. There are more than 14,000 KFC outlets in more than -> 80 countries and territories around the world, serving some 12 -> million customers each day. KFC Corporation is a subsidiary of -> Yum! Brands, Inc., Louisville, Ky. (NYSE: YUM.) Didja ever notice that "YUM" is only one letter away from "YUK"? Makes you think, doesn't it? Okay, I guess not. Like the way the fact that "DOG" spelled backwards is "GOD" doesn't mean anything or the way I just spent six pages saying KFC's food is shitty doesn't mean I don't love them. I kid, I kid, I love KFC. Dear KFC executives reading this, please send me many free coupons. When it comes to Animal 57, I prefer the corner pieces. -- K. I heard that KFC is going to bring out an imitation of Popeye's "dirty rice", except for trademark reasons KFC will just call theirs "heavily soiled rice". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Apparently it stands for "Krappy Futuristic Contemporization". Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 00:06:01 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Spock likes his chicken soggy. He's used to the boneless microwaved > > oval "fried" chicken pucks Swanson's been putting in its TV dinners > > for the past ten years or so. I know he doesn't like meat, > > That's not what the slashfic said. > > Oops, too much information. RETURN TO YOUR YUMMY KIBO POST NOW Zorlon > commands! Who's Zorlon? Is he like some dude made wearing a two-faced Sean Connery mask who learns at the end of the movie that his century's terrible fashion choices are all a result of a misspelling of "Orlon"? If so, he sucks. Anyway, as long as we're on the subject of Spock and sucking, I'll bet that if YouTube had existed in the 1960s the Internet would now consist of 90% copies of that one out-take where Spock says "Captain, I believe the plants act as a suppository," and then he shoves a lollipop into his face, and the remaining 10% of the Internet would be the slashfic where they make that dirtier. > ...Does this change of logo mean that KFC restaurants will now have to have > signs that are 51 miles square? Yes, but the definition of "miles" will be changed just like if Microsoft's Zune store sold lumber. You'd have to spend 199 dollars to get 249 tokens which could be exchanged for 149 Vulcan credits which could be used to purchase two-by-fours that are three millimeters by one point eleven inches in base 12. It's a little like using your BASIC Stamp's PBASIC 2.5 "RCTIME" command when you have to scale the potentiometer discharge time to units of 1.8 microseconds with the "*/" operator which multiplies by dividing by 256 to give you the middle 16 bits of a 32-bit number. In other words, it's something only a total nerd would do, the sort of nerd who would think that making the Zune brown would make it even better. "Wow! The Zune not only comes in turd brown, but it has beveled edges and a round-cornered aluminum frame around the screen just to make it match the Atari 2600 I'm going to connect it to once I finish writing a PBASIC interface program!" That paragraph will be puzzling if you read it five years from now, 'cause you'll still know what an Atari 2600 was but you'll have forgotten all about the Microsoft Zune. Hopefully we'll have forgotten about the iPod by then, too, because it's time for society to move beyond caring about whether you can carry your own music around to avoid having to listen to the f'ing Muzak that they still won't turn off even though 99% of people now have an iPod in one ear and a cell phone in the other. I say now is the time to ban all music in all forms. > > Didja ever notice that "YUM" is only one letter away from "YUK"? > > It's also only one letter away from "GUM" or "PHLUGM". Well, okay, for the > second one you have to use Microsoft Extended Zune-Incorporating Letters. What's a Zune? > Dave "now I want mashed potatoes" DeLaney Today for dinner, at an Indian restaurant, I had curried hot peppers. Really, the entree was a bowl of whole hot peppers (really nasty sharp ones) in some sort of coconut gravy. I managed to eat about half of it and only became incoherent for the second half of dinner. The appetizer and two soups were also spicy, but the curried hot peppers were f'ing _hot_. It's the first time I've ever seen that on the menu in an Indian restaurant, as that's definitely a not-for-American-humans dish. Wow, it was awesome to actually try to eat something that was too spicy for me. It wasn't a particularly good entree but man did it take me places. I finally understand what Viagra is supposed to do to people, at least the part about it giving everything a blue tint. The flashover to the blue was quite nice. Unfortunately I did not meet a space coyote with the voice of Johnny Cash, nor did I manage to finish the peppers. After chewing a few of them up, I was having enough trouble operating the fork that I called it quits. So do mashed potatoes ever take you to strange mental realms where logic no longer works even if you bought the extended warranty? -- K. Really, they actually had a dish that was too hot for me, and they were offering it to the public without a prescription. Yow! It Zippied my brain! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Apparently it stands for "Krappy Futuristic Contemporization". Date: Tue, 14 Nov 2006 17:40:44 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (timchuma@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I kid, I kid, I love KFC. > > Dear KFC executives reading this, please send me many free > > coupons. When it comes to Animal 57, I prefer the corner pieces. > > I like KFC (Kant Fucking Cook) at least they are not trying to pretend > their food is healthy - come on McDonald's! Your entire reason for being > is to sell as much industrially processed food to as many people as > possible, there's no need to be embarassed by it. But McDonalds also owns Boston Market and Panera. Are you saying that Boston Market is not wholly nutritious, health-tacular food and is now what made Boston's cuisine world-famous as a paragon of deliciousness? (For those of you in funny countries, Boston's cuisine is not 50% lobsters and 50% candy-flavored tiny beans. What Boston's regional cuisine _really_ consists of is Dunkin' Donuts and Au Bon Pain, because we've been working to keep Honey Dew Donuts, Tim Horton's, and Krispy Kreme out as much as we can. Apparently we like the crappiest doughnuts known to mankind. I can forgive people for not liking Krispy Kremes because they don't like doughnuts, but I can't understand people who actually prefer Dunkin' Donuts.) Short shameful confession: I have never tried a Honey Dew Donut, despite them having a convenient location across from the Fung Wah Bus ticket booth, because I can't bring myself to eat anything illustrated with a picture of a bear and the word "DEW", whether or not they make Bear Dew Donuts in the woods. > Whenever I see the anti-KFC protesters outside that one store in the city > I have the urge to run in and get some popcorn chicken and eat it in front > of them. Wouldn't it be more effective to eat something that has meat in it? -- K. Or you could try eating one of KFC's diaper gravy bowls and see whether they throw up before you do. And then you could eat the throw-up, and then throw that up, and eat that, and then yell "...THE ARISTOCRATS!" Then you'd be legally designated as The New Bob Saget, then you'd get to host some show that's made entirely from grainy footage of people's crotches and the baseballs that strike same and the crazy sound effects that naturally result from the physics of the situation. That'd teach those protesters a valuable lesson of some sort, possibly about why they should go protest the existence of TV. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: =?windows-1256?q?Who_is_Jesus=3F_=BF!!_=BF__(Must_enter)?= Date: Tue, 14 Nov 2006 18:15:53 -0500 In alt.religion.kibology, tt_mm10@hotmail.com spammed: > > Subject: =?windows-1256?q?Who_is_Jesus=3F_=BF!!_=BF__(Must_enter)?= Worst traffic sign ever. > [...approximately 800 lines of blather about how Jesus and Mohammed > are best friends forever...] > > Written by S.H. Pasha > > ---------------------- > =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D > > Twelve Proofs that Muhammad is a True Prophet > Shaykh `Abdul Rahman `Abdul Khaliq > Originally published by IANA > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------= > ----- Um, just 'cause you posted it to the Internet doesn't mean your wackily-punctuated religion is officially endorsed by the Internet Assigned Numbers Authority. Wake me up when you at least get it declared an RFC. Oh, and while we're on the subject of IANA and ugly things with rows of hyphens and equalses, IANA's home page (iana.org -- "Dedicated to preserving the central coordinating functions of the global Internet for the public good.") has a logo that's truly uggerly: http://www.iana.org logo mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_iana_logo.jpg It's got a box around it (bad) with slightly-different-thickness sides that look like an accident (bad) and a fat-face cursive font (bad) with a brightly-colored shadow (bad) and a poorly-drawn (bad) attempt at a cliche' globe (bad) which is used as the dot over the "i" even though it's nowhere near centered (bad) and also the whole thing is lowercase (bad) except for the line of tiny Arial Black (bad) for a grand total of -9 points. Let's make it -10, I'm going to count "it's got a box around it" twice. I didn't even realize they were trying to make a three-way visual pun (the "i" = a globe = an "#") at first because the triple-function blotch is so forced (as well as just badly-executed.) Only after staring at it a while did I realize that the stylized globe's bizarre shading was supposed to evoke a "#". The Internet Society has a neat logo (a globe with ASCII shading -- see, folks, you can make a cliche' stylized globe interesting if you come up with a clever twist) and the Internet Engineering Task Force has a logo which isn't too bletcherous (it's a bit busy and for some reason screams "M!!! W!!!" at me as if the Internet was designed by Montgomery Ward) but the IANA logo is abyssmal. IETF logo (not too bad, but needs work): http://www.ietf.org logo mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_ietf_logo.gif ISOC logo (excellent): http://www.isoc.org logo mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_isoc_logo.gif I wonder whether the IANA logo is trying to imitate the ISOC logo, or vice versa, or perhaps they evolved independently -- they're the opposite ends of the quality range for globes with "#" signs hugging them. My only complaint about ISOC's logo is that the two words shouldn't be so close together, because the dot on the "i" is associated with the "n" above it just as strongly as it's associated with the only letter it's supposed to be stuck to. The "i" needs to breathe. What would fix the IETF logo? Get rid of the fuzzy shadow, get rid of the hairlines around the squiggle (I think it's supposed to represent the concept of packet-routing) and then fiddle with the colors so that the squiggle and the squares stand out from the background and each other without any need for those sorts of coloring-book black outlines. And maybe, just maybe, consider that if you're going to space the letters in the acronym like T H I S then they should be in a light font, rather than super-extra-nuclear boldface. Bold block letters should be pressed together tightly if you want a solid black look, and if you want an airy look, you spread out light letters. Spreading out letters which are so bold that they're almost illegible doesn't seem like any sort of attempt at communicating any particular mood or style. The concept for the pictorial part of the logo is okay in concept, if this logo were restyled it could look like the same logo except without the major flaws. So, anyway, ISOC's professionally-designed logo can beat up IETF's clever-but-defective logo which can beat up IANA's amateurish conglomeration. Does that answer your questions about whether Jesus and Mohammed were best friends? -- K. And was it just platonic, or more? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: other people's logos in the wild (was: something about Jesus) Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 22:44:54 -0500 This thread has mutated into a discussion of logos for important Internet organizations (IANA, IETF, ISoc, and ICANN.) You can check out what they look like here, with these logos I scrounged off the corresponding Web sites: Internet organization logos http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_internet_logos.gif (Some Web browsers shrink large images to fit in the current window because they think you don't know how to use the scroll bars -- if your browser does that, be sure to right-click the image and select "View Full Size" or whatever, otherwise everything will be blocky or fuzzy from being mushed into the window.) Note that I added ICANN to the collection, and lo and behold, it's a globe with an octothorpe stuck to it, just like the ISoc logo, and just like one of the many things crammed into the IANA logo. Oy, the rich panoply of diversity. I also threw in the IRTF logo, which is a sub-group of the IETF and has their own logo which is basically a tinkered-with version of the IETF's, done by someone who attempted to faithfully re-create the original but got all the colors/proportions/fonts not quite exact. It shares the same strengths and weaknesses with its parent logo, and yet none of the details match. David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re the IANA logo] > > > > It's got a box around it (bad) with slightly-different-thickness sides > > that look like an accident (bad) and a fat-face cursive font (bad) > > with a brightly-colored shadow (bad) and a poorly-drawn (bad) attempt > > at a cliche' globe (bad) which is used as the dot over the "i" > > even though it's nowhere near centered (bad) and also the whole > > thing is lowercase (bad) except for the line of tiny Arial Black (bad) > > for a grand total of -9 points. Let's make it -10, I'm going to > > count "it's got a box around it" twice. > > And if you turn it upside-down it doesn't even have the graciousness to > transmute into a different logo! Hmm, you're right, it does have something of the swoopy quality of Scott Kim's ambigrams. But I think it's just that way 'cause someone thought curly equals pretty! "Pretty" is nice but it doesn't help things reproduce at small sizes (imagine how that logo would look shrunk down to half an inch across on a business card) and, frankly, choosing a delicate curly font and then giving it a solid green shadow is like putting ketchup on your ice cream. > [...] > > > Does that answer your questions about whether Jesus and Mohammed > > were best friends? > > Not -exactly-, but it does tell us Kibo Wizard needs consulting work badly! Okay, so what that means in English is you're daring me to draw improved versions of some of those logos to see whether I can very quickly pull better ones out of my butt, right? I slapped together improved versions of the IANA and IETF logos 'cause it's fun to draw stuff. I didn't make them very polished because obviously nobody's paying me (think of it as the graphic design equivalent of fan art), so these could still use a little tuning. And of course if I were actually doing these for the real organizations there would be much discussion about what they wanted, rather than me just doodling up whatever I wanted. Anyway, here's what I did to try to save the IETF logo: Kibo's attempt at salvaging the IETF logo: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_ietf_logo_kibo.gif Okay, so I screwed around with the colors and style a bunch, but it's still exactly the same shape (I would probably have used a different arrangement of squares and put the zigzag in a different place if I were doing it from scratch, but the challenge here was to see if I could make the _same_ logo look better, preserving the secret "WM" initials in it.) The original seems to have been designed for three-color printing, with some bluish-black ink wasted just for the extra-bold letters. I changed to two colors (selected so as to reproduce faithfully across different printing processes as well as RGB screens -- designing logos to survive these transitions makes choosing colors tricky.) Red on light gray yields a particularly clear design compared to the goldenrod on dark gray original. (Check the reduced-size versions at the right to see how well the different versions survive at reduced resolution.) I also made a one-color conversion, a necessity for real-world business correspondence. (Why do people often never think of the need for a black and white version when they design logos? I keep seeing ones that just can't be printed in monochrome.) I took out the fuzzy shadows which clotted up the spaces between the squares. Things with little gaps in them shouldn't be casting shadows. (The shadows are okay for making the IRTF's white squares stand out, so I did a hard-edged version of that to match the overall style -- now motion is suggested because the white squares look like they're floating, as opposed to just having everything have fuzzy black edges.) I chose lettering which echoes the proportions and rhythm of the gray squares, because "IETF" is all right angles. Note that it's easier to read even though it's smaller and less bold. The original was fighting with the figural part of the design rather than trying to harmonize with it. It could still use more work, and as I said above if I had been doing this for real the owners of the mark might just say something like "Yuk, no red, we have to have the goldenrod in there because _____________" but I hope most people will agree that by fooling around with it I've made a version that is easier to reproduce and to recognize, without sacrificing any of the symbolism of the original. Now moving on to the one of the bunch which was truly horrible: Kibo's attempts at doing something that's not the awful IANA logo: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_iana_logo_kibo.gif This was a real quick attempt at something clean and simple. (My style tends to run that way, especially for logos, because you have to be able to recognize the shape of a logo even at tiny business-card sizes.) I tried to keep the idea of the box around the logo without anything as amateurish as drawing a hairline frame around it, and I kept the idea of the "I" having a dot which was also a sphere which was also "#". I even stuck to blues and greens for the palette. But the shadow _had_ to go. Along with the lowercase (so it can be I.A.N.A., and never "Lana") as well as that bizarre dark-blue-on-dark-green shadow. Shadows should only be used if they add contrast, and in this case the shadow just destroys the legibility. Compared to the original, it's LOUD and corporate-looking, (which may have been what they were trying to avoid when they chose the effeminate script lowercase acronym) but this means it still looks good at 1/3" tall, unlike the original which just turns to mush. The full name of the organization has been removed (in actual use, it would be set in appropriately- sized lettering near the logo, if needed, but we can't have a whole bunch of tiny letters beneath the giant letters _in_ the logo due to scaling issues. The four words are the explanation of the logo, not something to be crammed in at microscopic size.) As usual, there's some interplay between 2-D and 3-D items, where my "I" is sort of bending out of the page and chucking a ball at you. I'm not 100% satisfied with the simple "#" highlight I doodled onto the ball, but since this was just something I did as an unpaid experiment, I'm not going to waste time getting the "#" perfect (the "#" alone would be a day's work, it's a complex sub-project. Things that are all curves require many iterations to perfect.) The medium blue for the "#" would be a halftone blend of the two main colors, so this logo could be printed in just two spot colors (with super-crisp edges) or the usual CMYK and RGB processes. I also made a one-color variant (wow, contrasty) because black and white devices like fax machines and copiers still exist. They might not be happy with the fact that I changed the mood so radically, but if they were actually a client I'd spend a lot of time explaining that just 'cause someone thinks lowercase script lettering is friendly-looking doesn't make it appropriate for a major standards body, nor does it survive in real-world printing techniques. (If anyone from the IANA or IETF is so bored with their day jobs that they read alt.religion.kibology, and you want me to touch up your logo, let me know and I can draw up some "live" vector art. And if you think my fan logos look horrible compared to your real logos, feel free to say so too.) So, Dave, does _that_ answer your questions about all major religions? -- K. The ISoc and ICANN logos don't really have anything wrong with them except that you can't tell them apart. It's like if the Canadian flag were the same as the American flag except with the stars in a slightly different pattern. Why even design a logo if you can't be bothered to look at what related organizations have already called dibs on? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: other people's logos in the wild (was: something about Jesus) Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2006 02:52:03 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, so what that means in English is you're daring me to draw > > improved versions of some of those logos to see whether I can > > very quickly pull better ones out of my butt, right? > > > > [...] > > > > Kibo's attempt at salvaging the IETF logo: > > http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_ietf_logo_kibo.gif > > Interesting. Yours definitely looks less like it was splatted onto the > page by a potato stamp. That's good, right? I think so. I was indeed conscious of "Gee, this logo looks a lot like those old-fashioned potato mashers that look sort of like diseased lips that kissed a waffle iron too many times" while redrawing it. My sketchbooks from my last train ride are full of versions that have a better-shaped arrangement of squares or a more pleasing form for the squiggle, but I didn't use any of those because I was trying to improve on the existing design's style without changing the original concept, as I was assuming there had to be some sort of secret symbolism to the "WM". Often with bizarre-looking logos (especially ones designed by the corporation rather than by a real designer) there is some sort of magical talisman attribute where things are supposed to represent things and deformities can't be removed because that would strip the logo of its power to use witchcraft over people's souls, or something. People like to believe in sympathetic magic emanating from their company's logo, so when you're trying to convince the company to go with the best of the four potential logos you're presenting, it never hurts to say "...and _this_ stripe represents your company's synergy! And _this_ dot symbolizes the universal harmony your new lawn mower will bring to all the peoples of the world!" In any case, I didn't want to dis Mr. W.M. by taking his initials out of an existing logo. The kinks in that squiggle could be in better positions, but it's not a big enough deal to be worth sacrificing whatever fuzzy feelings the logo's owners have towards the hidden spirit of W.M,, captured in logo form. Of course, it's possible that the "WM" was unintentional, but you'd have to be pretty clueless to draw that and not see the "WM", and the logo didn't look like it was drawn by someone who wouldn't notice that, so I'll bet it was on purpose. One theory is that someone really likes William & Mary's football team. Another theory is that it's the mark of the ancient god Wum, the router of packets, who cannot shake hands with any mere mortal because they cannot shake all of Wum's three hands. When they try and fail, they must appease Wum by baking him a seven-layer cake. > > Kibo's attempts at doing something that's not the awful IANA logo: > > http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_iana_logo_kibo.gif > > > > Compared to the original, it's LOUD and corporate-looking, > > and easier to read even full-size THAT'S BECAUSE TALKING IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, ESPECIALLY AT A HUGE SIZE, IS ALWAYS EASIER ON THE EYES BECAUSE ALL THE LETTERS ARE BIGGER! AS SOMEONE WHO OCCASIONALLY USES THE INTERNET YOU SHOULD BE QUITE FAMILIAR WITH HOW RELAXING CAPITAL LETTERS ARE TO READ! Occasionally clients have used the "capitals are always easier to read than lowercase" argument in an attempt to convince me that I should change things to all-caps. That works for four-letter acronyms, but otherwise it usually just gets someone a lecture about "readability" not being the same as "legibility" where actual sentences are concerned. (There's no better way to make your ad look really shoddy than to put the ad copy in all caps. Check your local Yellow Pages for examples. The Yellow Pages are a vast collection of bad design, especially as they have that rule that all ads must have a box around them.) Often requests for putting continuous text in all caps to make it "easier to read" are accompanied by them telling me that they once read some study about how bright orange letters on a blue background are the easiest to read so I should do that. I am good at refuting that ancient study upon which old New York license plates were based, especially if I have a first-year "Wired" in my briefcase. -- K. Also, shouldn't "Wired" shut down now that they've served their intended purpose of telling everyone that the Internet exists? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: other people's logos in the wild (was: something about Jesus) Date: Tue, 21 Nov 2006 02:30:47 -0500 Thurdust (thurdust@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Often requests for putting continuous text in all caps to make it > > "easier to read" are accompanied by them telling me that they once > > read some study about how bright orange letters on a blue background > > are the easiest to read so I should do that. > > I recently got some junk mail for a local supermarket chain that is owned > by a much larger supermarket chain with a logo just like you described in > this paragraph, except in all lowercase. Another thing about this > particular logo is the fact that it is in desperate need for a post-war > update: > > http://i87.photobucket.com/albums/k123/thurdust/top_aboutcolor.jpg Ow, that's painful for several reasons, and not just because the square "o" hurt me when I tried to use it as a contact lens. > This is not the version that has the blue striped background. I threw that > ad away right after I went through it to make sure no bills were hiding > between the pages. This week's version had the logo in a slightly darker > shade on a very light orange background: > > http://i87.photobucket.com/albums/k123/thurdust/logliad.jpg If it hadn't been for the filename you chose, I'd never have been able to decide whether it was supposed to be the nonsense word "Logli" or the nonsense word "Loqli". "Loqli" is an exciting name with a "q" in it and it suggest "local" + "friendly", so it would be a great name for a supermarket. However, "Logli" is only a great name for a laxative that comes in the form of a Tootsie Roll. -- K. Thank you for taking those photos. I was afraid I might have to go a whole day without discovering a new way to make five letters suck. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: other people's logos in the wild (was: something about Jesus) Date: Tue, 21 Nov 2006 04:15:53 -0500 Regarding the "logli" logo, I just wrote: > > Ow, that's painful for several reasons, and not just because the > square "o" hurt me when I tried to use it as a contact lens. To meet the Internet's high standards of of correct exactitude, I should add that the "o" isn't square, it's trapezoidal. This is because whoever designed the logo said to themselves, "Round 'o'? That's normal! An 'o' with obtuse angles? That would be weird but maybe it could work! An 'o' with right angles? Now that would be a problem! An 'o' with acute angles? Hey wow that would make my logo stand out because you don't see many logos where the designer wanted to pretend they'd never seen an 'o' before!" And I bet they used a similar process of elimination to come up with the least attractive possible "g". About half the lettering styles in the world (including many typefaces such as Arial, Helvetica, Courier, etc.) have a "g" with a tail that curls way to the left, which can be made into a zesty, exuberant swoosh in a logo. And the remaining lettering styles (including typefaces such as Times, Palatino, Franklin Gothic, etc.) have the traditional Roman "g" with the double loop-de-loop and cute li'l ear. Either design can be styled in an arbitrarily swoopy manner -- "g" has more personality than most lowercase letters -- and would make a fine centerpiece in the five-letter logo. But the designer seems to have decide to make all the letters match the "l" (the dullest letter in the alphabet.) Instead of playing around with the rhythm of the different-size rounds in the "o" and "g" contrasted with the straight lines of the "l" and "i", they wanted their name to look as much like "lllll" as possible, even if it meant they had to draw the "g" as a "q". The designer who drew the "Mobil" logotype understood the interplay of roundness and squareness. The "M" is a square, the "o" is a circle, and putting round letters in between the angular letters makes it an interesting logo -- it's staring back at you! Around a hundred years ago, many lettering artists did draw "g"s that looked like "q" when they were painting signs, but there's no excuse for that now that we live in a century where people actually use all 26 letters of the alphabet. Never pay someone to draw your logo if they didn't pay attention to the parts of "Sesame Street" about how letters have different shapes from each other. You can't get away with "My house number, '114', looks boring, so I'll draw the '1's exactly like '8's," because house numbers are supposed to convey meaning, just as logos normally help you figure out what the name of the company is. (I swear I actually did check both www.logli.com and www.loqli.com just to make sure what the name of the store was.) Dios mio, that logo is loqo. > [...] > > Thank you for taking those photos. I was afraid I might have to go > a whole day without discovering a new way to make five letters suck. I thought of another new way: We can stretch out the "logli" logo so that the letters are still quadrilaterals, but the "l" will be wider than it is tall. -------- ---------------- ----=====---- ----=====---- ---------------- -------- | Now it's suitable for high-def TV! (The stores will be letterboxed to match, once we finish lowering the ceilings to half height.) So is that sucky enough to be a real supermarket logo? Or do I need to dot the "i" with a heart with a smiley in it? -- K. Whoops, I meant ------------ ------------ |--------------< _ ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: other people's logos in the wild (was: something about Jesus) Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2006 02:20:09 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] my "I" is sort of bending out of the page and chucking > > a ball at you. > > People who have been near a golf course within living memory will > probably interpret it rather differently. Meh, anyone who sees that has awfully fat tees and tiny balls. I heard Old Navy has a sale on awfully fat tees, as well as defective pants. -- K. Also, I can kick your ass at minigolf any day. Except for the Atari 2600 version. Nobody can kick anybody's anything with that tediumfest. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.math,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: grammar errors in science writing Re: who has the best table of planetary magnetic moments Re: magnetic moments of Mercury and Venus Re: gravity-displacement term Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 00:48:33 -0500 In sci.physics, sci.physics.electromag, sci.astro, and sci.math, "a_plutonium" (a_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [following up to his prior article] > > I usually do not like making a post just to correct some of my grammar. > But the above is egregious for it shows that I post without reading > what I am typing. Really? I also post without reading what you're typing. And I agree with your belief that cats and dogs are the same animal facing different directions. > I post what is directly on my mind without proof reading. Not true, 'cause if you posted what was on your mind, my screen would fill up with water. > [...] > > In most of my writings, I tend to do a lot of repeating and alot of > picture drawing in different angles, and that is because I do want the > reader to grab a hold of the basic substance and not get caught up in > superficial sideshow or grammar or errors of writing. Please draw more pictures of cats turning into dogs when you make them walk backwards. Thank you. > [...] > > When I write to sci. newsgroups, I try to elaborate and emphasize in > various angles of my main message, and this is a good habit in all > writing. Someday you could have a career in graffiti. Remember, science has proved it's possible to put an umlaut over any letter. If you could figure out a way to put one over a number, you could win the Nobel Prize For Graffiti! Now stop spinning cats around and get to work on helping me fix all the errors in my own writings. For instance, there's at least two obvious mistakes in the following sentence: Archimedes Plutonium is a brilliant scientist. Or was that too easy? Naah, nothing's too easy for a cat-twirler like you. -- K. I heard if you twirl a Tasmanian Devil counterclockwise you can make time go backwards just like in that movie where Superman kept beating up Daffy Duck. However, the scenes where Lois Lane slept with Bugs Bunny were slightly gratuitous. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: creation & copyrights Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 00:59:49 -0500 In sci.physics, filipealvesferreira@gmail.com wrote: > > To datevalue the money is the new action for the "couplage" between > savings and investment actions in order to catch webfactors for own. Buh? > (see : http://lafrontieredetonargent4g3s.blogspot.com). Well, at least I understood the giant "404 - PAGE NOT FOUND" error message. > To datevalue result in a personnal datevalors property of their > webmarried economics particules. Double buh with huhs on top? > Looking for colaborators to go onward and english usa language expert > to copyright both. > Would like to deal under Google Universal Web for your Space. Like > (GUWY'S). Maybe first you should pay someone to teach you how to use the Google Translation thing without setting it to translate stuff into Bizarro English. -- K. It seems to be a language like Newspeak except with the sort of syntax used in a Chinese bootleg DVD box's plot summary of "Gone With The Wind" below the title "Baby Geniuses". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: creation & copyrights Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 17:06:09 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In sci.physics, filipealvesferreira@gmail.com wrote: > > > > > > To datevalue the money is the new action for the "couplage" between > > > savings and investment actions in order to catch webfactors for own. > > > > Buh? > > moo MOO moo! Mu? Then the novice's head exploded. The novice was enplodened. This episode of "Zen: The Wacky Sitcom" has been brought to you by Donald Trump's Fish Sticks! The crunchy fish sticks you love, with the face of Donald Trump on every one! You can trust the quality that comes out of Trump! Now, stay tuned for "Battle Of The Network Stars Who Have Hooks For Hands", followed by your puny local newscast. > > > Looking for colaborators to go onward and english usa language expert > > > to copyright both. > > Oh I'll _bet_. The problem there is that how will you know what the expert > actually copyrighted? You'll end up with rights to 'allatime estels kix are > roxtxors' and he'll be making all the copyright moneys. What if, when you share the money with the guy, you pay him with money where you have reversed the datevalue so he can only spend it while travelling backwards in time, and you reduce the webfactor to 0.001? You'd get to keep most of the real money, and he'd just get antimoney and a tiny fraction of the webtronic Intermoney. You know, like the way things work if someone uses PayPal to buy from TicketMaster. > > Maybe first you should pay someone to teach you how to use the > > Google Translation thing without setting it to translate stuff > > into Bizarro English. > > No! Bizarro English not am easier reading to be than that! Are that gooder or are that more bad? Because on square Bizarro planet with seven faces that am eleven-sided triangles, it are bad for good things to be good and even badder for good things to be bad so it am good for bad things to be good things but only if good is only bad when it am silly. Me sit on birthday cake now because me am good President! I wish "Star Trek" had gone to a fourth season because you know they would have eventually combined "Mirror, Mirror" and "I, Mudd" into an episode where they would go to Bizarro World and to escape they'd have to overthrow the government by sitting on cakes. Also they'd all wear their uniforms backwards and Mr. Sulu would have weird angular lines all over his face instead of round craters. Plus the Enterprise would be made of cotton candy so it could go underwater. This is why I like reading the physics newsgroups. They give me so many wonderful ideas for ruining old TV shows. 'Cause so many sci.physics articles challenge my brain to use new types of logic that aren't logic. Just like the laws of physics break down inside a black hole's singularity, the laws of logic break down when you're at the dark center of sci.physics. -- K. Now back to our regularly- scheduled discussion of whether or not Kurt Stocklmeir will finally reveal whether or not I am cursed. Who will be cursed next, here on sweeps week in sci.physics? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: creation & copyrights Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 18:14:31 -0500 Phineas T Puddleduck (phineaspuddleduck@googlemail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) said: > > > > This is why I like reading the physics newsgroups. They give > > me so many wonderful ideas for ruining old TV shows. 'Cause so > > many sci.physics articles challenge my brain to use new types > > of logic that aren't logic. Just like the laws of physics break > > down inside a black hole's singularity, the laws of logic break > > down when you're at the dark center of sci.physics. > > Even worse of course, is the anti-world of sci.physics - the twisted > heart which can only be entered by those pure of sanity. It's > obtainable by setting your newsreader to give complex-number message > ID's. Brad Guth knows, he's been there. He's seen things that would > make a penguin eat a banana fritter. But then how does alt.sci.physics.new-theories fit into your Grand Unified Theory Of Other People's Crazy Rants? It's the evil twin of sci.physics where everybody is equally insane, instead of just 99% of them being insane. 98% of them if you disqualify me for being able to let go of the exclamation point key after the first three!!! -- K. PEOPLE OF THE WORLD, EAT MORE SCIENCE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ...motherfather Chinese buses... Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 01:25:49 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I also noted that a Yucky Scar bus and a Michael Jackson's > > Favorite Fictional Character bus passed us > > ...Peter Pan? Mickey Mouse? Friendly Prosecutor? Grey Hound? A li'l > help here! I'll give you a clue: The bus line has the same name as a certain brand of World's Gayest Peanut Butter. > > (And no way in hell am I ever riding with Michael Jackson's > > Favorite Fictional Character again -- last time there was much > > unpleasantness.) > > Now you KNOW you'll have to cobble something together for us... IT'S COBBLERIN' TIME!!! Okay, so Homer Simpson thought of that before I did. But he can't take credit for it because he's fictional so I win. Stupid Homer thinks he can outsmart me! He doesn't even usually beat me at checkers! Anyway, REASONS I LIKE THE FUNG WAH BUS AND EVEN THE LUCKY STAR BUS (WHICH I HAVE NEVER RIDDEN) MORE THAN PETER PAN BUS LINES: 1. The Chinese buses have the courtesy to explode without any risk of you dying in a motorcoach named "Tinkerbell". I don't think those buses even have names, let alone sissy fairy Disney names. 2. The Chinese bus drivers go 80 miles an hour direct to the other city's Chinatown, unlike the Peter Pan drivers who take the bus wherever the hell they want while you're on it. The last one I was on had quite the detour (to some guy's house.) 3. The Chinese bus drivers usually don't speak English so you can do whatever you want without them yelling at you the way your elementary school bus driver did. The Peter Pan drivers not only speak English, but have the magical power to fly, so they can yell at you and then poop on your head. 4. The Chinese buses have toilets with doors, while on the Peter Pan buses you just have to pee in your seat, unless the previous passenger already did. 5. I like all one billion Chinese people better than I like the world's only living Michael Jackson. That's assuming you can even call him alive, I think at this point his Frankenface is at least 51% whalebone, or possibly scrimshaw. I would much rather take my chances on the exploding super-speedy Chinese buses than have anything to do with Peter Pan Bus Lines ever again, even though I don't think Michael Jackson actually knows they exist. 'Cause he's too busy riding that miniature train he has in his backyard, the one that goes from his bedroom to the Children's Petting Zoo. -- K. My theory is that the Fung Wah and Lucky Star buses exist solely to disprove the racist stereotype that all Chinese people drive at half speed. If Fung Wah and Lucky Star stay in business a few more years, eventually everyone will think only roundeyes drive under 75 miles per hour. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Australia Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 01:35:42 -0500 In sci.physics and sci.astro, kurtstocklmeir@earthlink.net wrote [quoted in full]: > > I do not know why Jean wants to go to Australia. > > I do not think most people are trying to go to Australia. > > Kurt Stocklmeir Let me address the theories in your monograph separately: 1.) Who's Jean? 2.) Then where are most people going? 3.) What's a Kurt Stocklmeir? Seriously, Kurt, we're not mind-readers. If you're going to expect sympathy when you complain that Jean is going to a continent that's not one of your five favorite continents, you'll to need to tell us who you're talking about. Is it Jean Reno? 'Cause if so, I think maybe the only reason he crashed that helicopter into the train inside the Chunnel was because of one of your curses. -- K. Otherwise it would have been plausible for him to make it all the way to France. I like that sequence because it's so gleefully implausible, and also because Jean Reno dies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ed Bradley Attacked by Death Ray Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 02:13:27 -0500 shelly (shelly@cat-sidh.net) wrote: > > Why'd ya' do it, Kibo? Why? What, you mean this article I wrote last year? -> -> You might recall that, back when I had access to l'AFP's newswire, -> they would print about one story a month about the wonders of -> Romania's nonexistent "Dracula Land" amusement park. -> -> On my TV right now, Ed Bradley is reporting a "60 Minutes" piece on -> how all hopes for Romania's economic future depend on the construction -> of Dracula Land. Obviously, I used the A.R.K D.E.A.T.H R.A.Y on Ed Bradley just so that you would dig up that article and spur me to quote it, thus causing a resurgence in AFP's Dracula Land Mania! I wonder if they ever built Dracula Land. And whether it looks as wonderful as the mockup they showed Ed Bradley: Dracula Land (from the imaginary world of 2005) http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005/2005_05_dracula_land_tv_1.jpg Hmm, I just did a quick Flickr.com search, and neither "Dracula Land" nor "DraculaLand" turned up any photos that look like that, so apparently Dracula Land is still an amusement park only fictional characters can visit. That means not even Dracula can go there, 'cause he was real. However, Sherlock Holmes was imaginary, but I don't know whether or not he's permitted to visit the Holmes museum they set up at the real 221B Baker Street. It makes my head hurt just to think about it for eight hours without blinking. Maybe they should just put Dracula Land in 221A Baker Street. Anyway, sorry, Ed. Also dead this weekend: Jack Palance died, but not many people noticed, 'cause he's still doing push-ups. Sid Davis died too. I don't even have to look them up to make a wager that I'm the one who most recently mentioned each of them. Hmm, a Google search says that I did indeed kill Jack Palance, and nobody ever mentioned Sid Davis, so I'm going to take responsibility for him too because nobody else knows who he is. (He wrote and narrated a lot of '50s "educational" films about the dangers of letting a stranger abduct you on your way home from elementary school, especially if you're a boy.) This January, I wrote: => => The most recent version of the "Believe It Or Not!" TV series, with => Dean Cain, never seemed intense enough. The old one with Jack Palance => was closer to the way the material should have been presented, because => Jack Palance always manages to communicate that even his dark, sinister => side has another even darker, more sinister side. That article also mentioned Bob Hope and Samuel Gompers, and yet nobody ever gives me credit for them. Bye, Jack. I miss you plenty. And I will never forget your words of wisdom: "I forget what my name is, but I know it began with... an ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" ("Solar Crisis") -- K. I wish I could get most of my face blown off in a war just so I could become as handsome as Jack Palance did. His head was a sculptural miracle of manly power. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Jack Palance (was: Ed Bradley Attacked by Death Ray) Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 02:58:51 -0500 I just wrote: > > I wish I could get most of my face blown > off in a war just so I could become as > handsome as Jack Palance did. His head > was a sculptural miracle of manly power. Correction! His face didn't get blown off, it was just super road rash from getting smashed into the ground at a couple hundred miles an hour: [www.washingtonpost.com] -> -> [...] -> -> Born in Pennsylvania in 1919, Palance was a professional boxer -> who injured his throat in a fight, leaving him with his signature -> raspy voice, before serving in World War Two. [www.washingtonpost.com -- different article] => => [...] => => He decided to use his size and strength as a prizefighter, => but after two hapless years that resulted in little more than => a broken nose, he joined the Army Air Corps in 1942. [www.latimes.com] -> -> [...] -> -> When World War II came, he served in the Army Air Forces. -> A bomber pilot who had seen little action, he was at the -> controls when his plane lost an engine and slammed nose-first -> into the ground. He suffered severe head injuries and -> required extensive facial reconstruction. So the boxing is what gave him that great voice and his nose, and everything else is from a plane crash. Other obits simply say he was discharged "after being knocked unconscious". I guess they figured it would be in bad taste to say he was "knocked faceless". Anyway, I loved the guy. He knew how to use what was left of his face and voice, and he radiated such glee in whatever role he was in that even things like "Solar Crisis" became momentarily entertaining whenever he was on the screen. It's too bad they haven't brought out his "Dracula" TV-movie on DVD, 'cause you gotta admit, nobody else could have had as much fun playing Dracula. Jack Palance was the _best_ scenery-chewer ever. He just seemed to be happy all the time. Usually that's just wrong, but he made it seem so right. -- K. I guess if anyone on the Internet had to kill him, I'm glad it was me. I hope someone as cool as him can return the favor when it's time for me to die. (I'm looking at you, Tadanobu Asano! Or Jack Black. Whichever of you guys comes up with the funniest way to do it.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ed Bradley Attacked by Death Ray Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 18:00:18 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hmm, a Google search says that I did indeed kill Jack Palance > > and Jack Williamson: > > Message-ID: (kibo-2501051736140001@10.0.1.2) Whaaaaaa? I thought he'd already been dead a long time, therefore I couldn't have possibly meant to kill him. And that's proof all the murders I've been committing are strictly accidental! Although I don't archive my articles my Message-ID: (largely because my articles don't have Message-ID:s until _after_ they leave my computer) I take it you're referring to what I said last year: In January, 2005, I wrote: > > -> The World Robot Declaration issued on Feb. 25 states that: > -> > -> - Next-generation robots will be partners that coexist with > -> human beings; > -> > -> - Next-generation robots will assist human beings both > -> physically and psychologically; > -> > -> - Next-generation robots will contribute to the realization of a > -> safe and peaceful society. > > So, I take it they've never read Jack Williamson's "With Folded Hands". > All three of these rules lead inexorably to everyone in the world > getting a lobotomy from a Japanese robot in order to make everyone > safe and peaceful all the time, whether they want to be or not. > > And then at last we'll be able to enjoy "Pokemon" cartoons! Note that technically, that article was a repost of something I had written in 2004. In between the two times I name-checked Jack Williamson, Bill Shymanski also mentioned him, so you could give him the blame if you bend the rules so that reposts don't count: Earlier in January, 2005, Bill Shymanski wrote: > > [re the crummy "I, Robot" movie] > > The writers of the film missed the critical point of Asimov's stories > entirely. Who wants to watch a story about tricky little logic puzzles > when you can have all the robots light up red (the traditional color of > robot rage) and start a massive killing spree? Ê I finally figured out > the reason for the red light was that CGI robots looked stupid wearing > black hats. OK, there was a tiny bit of "The Evitable Conflict" towards > the end, though the scenario was really heading more toward "With Folded > Hands" (which should have gotten Jack Williamson a credit). ...but as we all know, reposts are even more important than original articles, therefore, I win. (I always win. And that's what I want my tombstone to say no matter how many robots kill me in the distant future year 2093.) So that means the scorecard for this weekend is as follows: Ed Bradley -- DEAD because I said his name Sid Davis -- DEAD because if anyone had said his name, it would've been me Jack Palance -- DEAD because I said his name Jack Williamson -- DEAD because I said his name Nobody but me scored even a single kill. Apparently I'm getting good at this without even trying. Jack Williamson was 98. "With Folded Hands" was a great (and pivotally important) early science fiction story about evil robots. That was the one where the rhodomagnetic drones make it their life's work to protect all humans from harm all the time, which makes everyone miserable. He published his first science fiction story in 1928 and his last in 2005. Wow. He was there before the Golden Age and kept writing about fifty years past it. I don't know whether his recent stuff was anywhere near as good as his best-known stories, but in any case he did write some unforgettable stuff, and he wrote for almost seventy years, so that makes him pretty respectable even by my standards. (It only seems like I've been writing for alt.religion.kibology for seventy years. It's actually been just 15. A.r.k is a teenager!) -- K. I'm so glad I was never programmed with the First Law Of Robotics. My Prime Directive actually says something about it being okay to push people out of the way if they're between me and White Castle. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ed Bradley Attacked by Death Ray Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 18:11:29 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And that's proof all the murders I've been committing are > > strictly accidental! > > I've been told that the Death Ray doesn't work if you aim it on > purpose. Why BOB HOPE would BOB HOPE you (who are not BOB HOPE) say BOB HOPE that? And didja ever think I was secretly trying to keep Bob Hope alive forever just so that killing him would be the world's greatest challenge for me, the King Of Terror, Spokesman For Earth, And Killer Of People Who Nobody Remembered Were Alive? That reminds me, I have to call up my friend Andy... Smith... and tell him he can legally call himself "Mr. Bob Hope" now that the first one's dead. -- K. He's currently performing Vegas as "The Extremely, Extremely, Extremely Fat Elvis". At that casino that has a clown in every vistor's hotel room. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (repost): Three-Way Argument Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 02:22:41 -0500 I previously posted this in 1992, and I'm reposting it now because (a) I just forced a friend to read "Gšdel, Escher, Bach" so now I know at least one person will finally appreciate this story and (b) I like the one clever thing it contains. See whether you can circle it before the timer buzzes! It's a pastiche of Douglas Hofstadter doing a pastiche of Lewis Carroll whose name wasn't actually Lewis Carroll but that hardly matters because my story is now fourteen years old so he would have stopped liking it a couple years back. THREE-WAY ARGUMENT ================== (Achilles, Einstein, and Spot are in discussing meta-logic.) ACHILLES: So, Herr Professor Einstein, I do believe you were about to tell us about some rib-tickling PARADOXES. SPOT: What's a paradox? EINSTEIN: Vell, Spot, a good example is the EPIMENEDES PARADOX, forumlated by Epimenedes, a philosopher from Crete. He said "All Cretans are liars." SPOT: So he was a liar, then? ACHILLES: Oh, I get it... if he were lying, then the statement would be false, and thus he would NOT be a liar... I say, this is a real knee-slapper! SPOT: Whine! I don't get it. EINSTEIN: It's equivalent to saying "I AM LYING," which is what Captain Kirk said to make that android's head explode. Zee, if Kirk is telling the truth, he is lying. If he is lying, he is telling the truth. Thus, Kirk cannot be either lying or telling the truth. (Smoke comes out of Spot's ears as the Professor continues.) EINSTEIN: Then there is the RUSSELL PARADOX, named for you-know-who. ACHILLES: Dear old Bertrand R., co-author of the PRINCIPIA MATHEMATICA! EINSTEIN: The one and the same. Envision, if you will, all possible sets, sets of anything. ACHILLES: Okay. SPOT: Huh? EINSTEIN: Now imagine the SET OF ALL SETS. It is a member of itself, right? ACHILLES: Okay. SPOT: What? It can't be... ACHILLES: Trust us, it is. What next, Herr Professor? EINSTEIN: Since some sets contain themselves, but most do not, think of the SET OF ALL SETS WHICH CONTAIN THEMSELVES. Logically, there must be a set of all the other sets, THE SET OF ALL SETS WHICH DO NOT CONTAIN THEMSELVES. Now, which of those two sets does the latter set belong IN? ACHILLES: Oh! Gosh! That's simply stunning! SPOT: Waaaaah! I don't get it! I guess it's because I'm just a stupid little puppy. EINSTEIN: Okay, Spot, I vill try to give you a simpler example, one even a stupid little puppy like you may understand. It is THE SPOT PARADOX! SPOT: Wow, my own paradox? ACHILLES: Lucky you! EINSTEIN: THE SPOT PARADOX says "Spot is a stupid little puppy." ACHILLES: Hmm... oh yeah... I like that! Very sutble, yet mordant. You have a true gift, Herr Professor. SPOT: Wait... how can that be a paradox? It's TRUE! There's nothing inherently contradictory about it! THE SPOT PARADOX isn't a paradox at all! I don't understand any of this! EINSTEIN: Shall I draw you a diagram, stupid little puppy? (Just then, Achilles stubs his heel on a discarded syringe which is contaminated with rabies, because they are sitting in Spot's back yard.) ACHILLES: Arrr! Arrrrr! Grrrrr. (He kills Einstein and Spot.) So there you go, a story from the early '90s. Well, not a story so much as a thing without an ending. But thankfully, now that it's 2006, the Internet has helped us evolve beyond the need for content having beginnings, endings, middles, or content. I'm like YouTube, without the videos! -- K. And yet I still use just as much bandwidth. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: STORY (repost): Three-Way Argument Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 23:00:14 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@spamela.brainhz.com) wrote: > > Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > > > DUH, Kibo, *I* read GEB before I ever read Kibo. > > Wow, so did I. In retrospect, that is hard to believe. Of course, because you can't prove it with symbolic logic, and therefore it represents an unreachable truth in our formal system, thus destroying Aristotelian logic forever and leading into something like a wacky "Doctor Who" adventure where Adric keeps mispronouncing big words. "Metamagical Themas" had some good stuff but wasn't nearly as intellectually-stimulating as "Gšdel, Escher, Bach", and my enjoyment of "Principia Mathematica" was ruined by that mistake in it. You know the one I'm talking about. > My favorite paradox is the sleeping beauty paradox, because idiots are still > arguing about it on the Internet. It goes like this: I put you in a > trance then flip a fair coin. If it comes up heads, I (a) wake you, > (b) ask you QUESTION X, (c) wipe all memory of this experience, and > (d) put you back into your trance. > > If the coin instead comes up tails, I perform steps (a)-(d) twice. > The second time you have no memory of whether you've been asked before. > But you are asked the same question, QUESTION X, twice. > > QUESTION X is, "what are the odds the coin came up heads?" > > Foolish people think the answer is 1/2 because it is a fair coin. > Other foolish people think there is no real answer because probability > is undefined whenever you are feigning vapid open-mindedness. And don't forget "I flipped this fair coin ten times and it came up heads ten times in a row, so what will happen next?" People with gambling problems will say "It's _due_ for tails!" and throw money at you, mathematicians will say "Doesn't matter what already happened, it's still going to be 50/50 odds", and realists will say "You probably lied to me about it being a fair coin, so I'll bet heads." And then you divide people up into three countries (on a Venn-Diagram-shaped continent) based on their answers and then you try to start a world war between those three countries and that other country where everybody always lies, even the barbers. Note how we've both avoided mentioning the Monty Hall Problem, because we don't want THE WORLD'S SMARTEST PERSON Marilyn Vos Savant to show up and lecture us on how her answer is more correct than the ones that are given by people who know what they're talking about (such as the fictional characters in reruns of "NUMB3RS" who spend all their time solving crimes by dumping Mentos into Diet Coke.) Marilyn Vos Savant is THE WORLD'S SMARTEST TWIT. -- K. In this town, there are only two barbers, and they're both bald, so how can they cut each other's hair? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: STORY (repost): Three-Way Argument Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2006 16:52:34 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Note how we've both avoided mentioning the Monty Hall Problem, > > because we don't want THE WORLD'S SMARTEST PERSON Marilyn Vos Savant > > to show up [...] > > I like the Monty Hall simulator here: > http://www.kisrael.com/viewblog.cgi?date=2006.07.04 > you can set up all the parameters and watch it go as fast or as > slow as you like. I said we were avoiding mentioning the Monty Hall Problem, Marilyn. I ran the simulator and it wasn't realistic at all because it never once gave electrical shocks to the anuses of people dressed like peanut butter sandwiches. > I'd like to make a Howie Mandel version of this with 26 suitcases. ...and a chainsaw, and 26 plastic bags to keep the blood from leaking out of the suitcases... That would certainly solve the Howie Mandel Problem. -- K. Now can we please solve the generalized case of the TV problem? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: STORY (repost): Three-Way Argument Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 18:04:56 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I previously posted this in 1992, and I'm reposting it now because > > [...] I like the one clever thing it contains. See whether you can > > circle it before the timer buzzes! > > Gimme a few more minutes. I've only been looking for it for 14 years. Perhaps the clever thing is that I'm the only person in the world who has ever gone his whole life deliberately avoiding ever doing any clever things? That makes me very special! And the world's greatest "Match Game '76" player. "Now, Kibo, to win this game, you must think of the most predictable possible answer to this extremely lame dirty riddle..." And that's why I won a billion dollars with the help of Brett Somers's idiocy. -- K. I wish I were a game show host instead of just a lowly contestant. I never want to be a panelist. I'm just not gay enough to sit between Charles Nelson Reilly, Paul Lynde, Bruce Villanch, and Regis Philbin. In fact, nobody's _anything_ enough to sit near Regis Philbin every day. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Infomercials Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 02:40:03 -0500 "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > I also hate informercials... That's why we've replaced your tired old infomercials with super new EXTREME INFOMERCIALS! Now how much would you pay not to watch them? Fifty dollars? One hundred dollars? Two hundred? But before you answer, have you stopped beating your wife? > but for some reason it ticks me off even more when they have the > fake interviewer who asks leading questions. So, you refuse to answer! That prove you're still beating your wife unless you buy this DVD containing all the EXTREME INFOMERCIALS you will ever need. It's only $19.95, and is not available in stores no matter how hard you beat your wife! > I guess if you're dumb enough to buy from an infomercial, you're dumb > enough to believe anything. Today at Micro Center I saw this for sale: A wireless grounding strap. One end goes around your wrist, and the other end is in the fourth dimension. It protects you from static discharges by sitting on your wrist inertly like a plain loop of cloth, thereby tricking the static electricity into pausing to write "W.W.J.D.?" on your wristband, giving you time to hit it with the sort of flyswatter that kills electricity. I am not making this up. A wireless grounding strap. That's like having a stringless fishing line. I almost bought it just so I could tell you people whether all the laws of physics changed when I put it on and touched some live wires, but then I had a better idea. WHAT'S YOUR BETTER IDEA, KIBO? I said "There's got to be a better way!" so instead of buying the stupid thing, I just posted about it! In fact, you're reading that post now! Look at your screen! My post has appeared like magic! WOW, KIBO, YOU'RE A GENIUS! YOUR POST IS GREAT! IT'S A BARGAIN EVEN IF IT CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE... OR CAN IT? Why, yes it can! This very article you are now reading is slicing every vegetable in your kitchen! It slices, it dices, and it does all the things you're too busy to do while you're beating your wife! It housebreaks the dog and prevents you from changing TV channels while your favorite program is on! It fires lasers in ALL directions! But wait, there's more! With this article body you also get a full set of headers, AT NO ADDITIONAL COST even though they're A ONE TRILLION DOLLAR VALUE! > Cue stories of A.R.K. doods and doodettes who have bought stuff from > infomercials and it was gud and therefore im wrong. I like to buy old comic books from the people who host infomercials 'cause the people who sell them at flea markets are too creepy. -- K. The wireless grounding strap was actually a package of two, because that way you and a friend could stay connected via the silver cord that runs through the aethereal plane known only to elves who shop at Micro Center. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: somebody knows! Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006 03:14:43 -0500 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > And what's with all these new kids all over my lawn? Why aren't they > following up Kibo's post about people tasting like bacon? Has this what > kibology has become? Pants-wearing, bacon-hating minions of Simon Le Bon? I think people are just plain tired of hearing my rant about how human flesh isn't as delicious as it's advertised to be, and why I wish the Wursthaus was still open in Harvard Square. I need to come up with a new way to shock people, as apparently having a desire for cannibalism to not be so icky is in itself not so icky. And when I say "a new way to shock people" I mean something more clever than a cattle prod with a twist ending that can zap people around corners. What I need is a simple sentence I can say to ruin whatever elegant dinner party I'm at that night. You know, like, "CARROT TOP SURE KNOWS HOW TO FRENCH KISS!" or "I'VE WATCHED EVERY EPISODE OF 'HAPPY DAYS', BUT ONLY BECAUSE THAT'S MY ALIBI FOR THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION!" or "YOU CAN USE A LIVE BUG AS A CONTACT LENS IF YOU'RE NOT A TOTAL PUSS!" So, anyway, help me think of something scarier than subjunctive cannibalism. Also, be sure to mention to everyone you know that I killed Jack Palance. He was awesome, so I'm pretty proud of killing him. -- K. Has there ever been a famous cannibal who kept strictly kosher? I would think that would involve finding a rabbi who was really nearsighted. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Ice cream (was: poor planning.) Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2006 18:25:40 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I love real ice cream, but the problem is I can only eat about one and > > a half scoops before my stomach starts punching me in the stomach, so > > I only have it once in a while. > > My problem is that my fridge's freezer doesn't keep things QUITE cold > enough to keep ice cream solid. (Yes, I've needed to defrost it for > several years now, and it's about half ice.) LEARN SOME PHYSICS!!! 1. How is removing all the ice by "defrosting" it supposed to make it colder? Ice _is_ cold! Ice is the definition of cold, because ice is the coldest material known to science. 2. You should keep the non-ice parts of the freezer completely packed with other stuff (if you run out of food, use sandbags) because that way there wouldn't be any air to suck the coldness out of your ice cubes. 3. Always keep the door open so that the ice can breathe, because ice is a type of food, and is therefore alive. That's called organic chemistry, like they use at Whole Foods when they make that awful-tasting bread that has brown stuff in the white parts. You would understand all about how to keep your freezer happy if you had a good grasp of complicated physics equations like Kirchoff's Zeroth Law, which says that R1 is always less than, equal to, or greater than R2. It's elementary calculus, mixed in with really advanced numerology and a painful pinch of love. > And it's not economical to buy the little one-pint things that > I can eat in one sitting. So I rarely have a half-eaten all-molten > container of ice cream in my freezer, which is a shame, because I > like the stuff. Well, come over and we can fire up my ice cream maker that I never use. What color of curry do you want in your ice cream? I have them all except blue. And clear. PepsiCo hasn't yet invented Clear Curry syrup, though I hear Karo is working on it. -- K. I keep my freezer at the Nash Equilibrium temperature, which means that unless I use a perfectly random strategy to choose between "C" and "D" (Chill and Defrost) Rusell Crowe will go insane again. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Good news if you hate Styrofoam, live in SanFran, and are high. Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2006 00:59:52 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@spamela.brainhz.com) wrote: > > [www.sfgate.com] > -> > -> The [San Francisco] Board of Supervisors voted today to outlaw the > -> use of Styrofoam and other polystyrene products by city restaurants > -> and to effectively decriminalize the use, sale and cultivation of > -> marijuana by adults. > > What about all the people with styrofoam bongs? Dude, don't be harshin' people's buzz by mocking the fine products of Spencer Gifts. It's the version of the Sanrio store that's too mellow to bother drawing Hello Kitty on its shoddy plastic useless crap. In other news, I can report that my new computer arrived after a mere 36-hour journey from Shanghai, and apparently FedEx hates Styrofoam too because I never knew you could slam a box around hard enough to shatter the Styrofoam packing inserts. I haven't yet plugged in the computer to see whether it got any brain damage. (I want to think about it a little while before I set it up because the first thing I'll do is to partition the giant hard disk, and I want to be really sure I pick the sizes that will be least likely to inconvenience me four years from now.) If you don't like Styrobongs, the little Indian grocery store around the corner from my apartment sells those little glass tubes with the foil on one end and the placeholder tissue-paper rose to let people try to pretend they're buying these to get the awesomely worthless toilet-paper rose and not the crack pipe. In our modern world, the only things made of glass are drug paraphernalia. And computers. This proves whatever theory I am about to make up. -- K. Why do people even need to get crack pipes from the Indian grocery store when they can just enjoy a Thums Up? It's the only beverage for Indian men who are too butch to sing and dance! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Assessment Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2006 01:22:13 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@Gmail.com) wrote: > > > > I am not mentioned in ARK today, > > ...oops. NOW Y'ARE, BLANCHE! Are you calling the nice lady a liar? I guess that makes you bad. > [...] (On the other hand, there are apparently some Kibo posts > I'm not seeing neither, glah.) And that's because you're bad. Usenet propagation has always been spotty. ISPs have limited bandwidth and when the mail server needs 150% of that bandwidth for the spam and the Web server needs 150% of it for the pop-up ads, Usenet is the low- priority thing that gets some articles skipped whenever the bandwidth bucket runs dry. Fortunately a.r.k has pretty good propagation as alt.* groups go, probably because it's been around longer than most. Anyway, don't forget, about once every two weeks I bundle up a bunch of my archived articles at http://www.kibo.com/rawdata (just put up a new set) just for people like you who either can't find or don't trust Google Groups (propagation is poor and spotty everywhere, including at Google Groups -- POOR SPOTTY! -- which is why I make my own little primitive archives of messages, because I know that I am the one who's most likely to have all my own articles, and frankly, those are my favorites.) -- K. And if you need even _more_ Kibo in your life, pay me five bucks and I'll write you a story about Poor Spot And The Nose Spray That Gave Him A Wedgie In Radio Shack. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Assessment (Now with Cats!) Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2006 01:10:03 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > [...] > > And now we have implanted additional control words with which we can make you > laugh AT WILL (sorry, Will) any time during the next three months or so! He only spells his name with one "l", and it's mean of you to make people laugh at him rather than with him. Besides, he wasn't even in the dopiest "Star Trek" episode of all, "Twisted" ("Star Trek: Voyager" season 2, disc 2) which is the one where the terrifying cliffhanger before the opening credits was Tim Russ saying "PHENOMENON... PHENOMENON... PHENOMENON... PHENOMENON..." and then everyone wandered around listlessly through the same corridor set over and over for an hour and Kate Mulgrew's arm got long and ripply which made her talk backwards and everyone realized the solution to all their problems was to ignore them and then Neelix said "I'VE GOT CAKE!" So, stop laughing at Wil. He wasn't in the Worst Episode Ever. Laugh at Tim Russ instead. "PHENOMENON... PHENOMENON... PHENOMENON..." -- K. And he stole his catchphrase from Jim Henson, who stole it from an Italian porno movie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I fail at walking the dogs Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2006 16:56:38 -0500 "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > I'm not so with it this morning > > I start out with removing one of the mini-bags from the roll. Despite > only having two sides to choose from and -looking- this time, I yet > again try to open it on the wrong side. *Sigh* > > So I'm outside with the napkins and the bag and it comes time to pick > *stuff* up. I realize, I don't have the bag. For crying out loud. I use > the napkins, then realize I am next to the ditch. I decide to toss the > stuff into the ditch but the extra weight takes the napkins with. > > Thank god there are napkins from the other day in the ditch...because > *yesterday* I had failed at inserting things into the pockets and the > napkins escape to frolic all over the yard and into the ditch. > > I can't win. Never mind that, which comic books were in those bags? And how much did you try to sell them for at the flea market? And can you change it to a flea circus so the dogs could walk off with the show? -- K. Have you considered upgrading to the sort of dog that doesn't poop? You know, like a Hello Kitty dog with no mouth or butt or shading? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: my theories Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2006 20:06:49 -0500 In sci.physics and sci.astro, kurtstocklmeir@earthlink.net wrote: > > I guess > > There is proof of what I am talking about. > > There are people who will tell the truth. > > There are tapes. Audio tapes can prove a lot about what happened. > > I plan to create a video for youtube. I do not know how to do it. > That is why the tapes are not on youtube at this time. I do not know > how to create a video where the sound is from a tape recorder - I do > not know how to connect a tape recorder to a video camera. I think > there are computer programs to create video on a computer. I am trying > to get some friends to help me with this. > > There are many copies of the tapes and many people have the copies of > the tapes. The bad guys can not get all the copies of the tapes. > > Kurt Stocklmeir Have you considered just rendering everything as ASCII art, so you could post it to Usenet? Also, does your secret tape actually show the lizards kissing, or are you going to bleep that out? In another article, kurtstocklmeir@earthlink.net wrote: > > I do not know a lot about creating videos. > > I would like good advice. > > I do not read email. > > If a person has any good advice for me please use these articles. > Thank you. > > Kurt Stocklmeir Dear Kurt, Here is the best possible advice on how to do what you want. How To Be A Famous Camwhore On The Internet If You're Not A Sexy Chick 1. Buy camera. 2. Turn it on. 3. Keep acting like a spaz. 4. Turn it off. 5. Show the video to people who are easily amused. 6. You will then receive your nickname. 7. Threaten to sue anyone who calls you by that nickname. 8. Get arrested for whatever you were doing in the video. 9. Get a prison tattoo of the humiliating nickname. 10. Cry. 11. Realize that nobody could see you, so to get sympathy, cry on camera. 12. Keep it up. 13. Realize that years ago someone switched your webcam with an old toilet-paper tube and you never noticed. 14. Advertise that you will commit suicide on your new webcam and charge $5 for tickets. 15. Push the button on your suicide machine and discover it isn't working because the power company shut you off because nobody sent you $5. 16. Desperate for help, at this stage you then ask Kibo to tell you what the next sixteen steps are and he secretly films you begging for attention and then sells that video for a trillion dollars but you don't even get to find out what the next sixteen steps are. -- K. Whatever you imaginary new YouTube video is, it needs more footage of that kid who broke his leg in the basketball hoop. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My stupid dream-self is stupid Date: Sun, 19 Nov 2006 01:56:50 -0500 "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > I had a dream I was deep inside a haunted school. The ghosts and other > supernatural monsters were limited by the property lines. But I wasn't > leaving as fast as possible, or period, because I only had left shoes. > > Yes, my dream-self would rather be eaten by monsters then run away in > shoes that hurt. And then while the heroic scientist is dragging you away from the space monster, you break a heel and he has to carry you (thankfully, his pipe never goes out.) I've seen that movie lots of times. Unless I'm just thinking of an episode of "Torchwood" from 1963, when it was still a spin-off of the original "Doctor Who". -- K. And you want to hear something really disturbing? I just discovered that the ancient Windows 95 game "Yoda Stories" looks super-creepy when you blow up the tiny window to fill all of your 24" screen. TOO MUCH TINY MARK HAMILL! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.math,sci.engr,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: math value and even computer commercial value Re: looking for the Smallest Digital Cell that encapsulates the alphabet; like 8 encapsulates all numbers Date: Tue, 21 Nov 2006 02:00:01 -0500 In sci.math, sci.lang, and sci.engr, "a_plutonium" (a_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I think I found the answer, although some letters are smaller relative > to other letters. > > I think it is a single figure 8 pattern as is common in digital > displays. Only the 8 is a boxed 8 in digital, such as this: > > _ > |_| > |_| > > Now if we added digital line segments of the diagonals of those boxes > would give us letters such as "v", "m" that need diagonal lines. Would > those diagonals give a capital "Q". I think so only with a larger than > normal Q diagonal line segment. And I think it gives an "s" and "S" > only they are diagonal line segments and not curves. > > What I am looking for is the Smallest such figure that gives all the > alphabet. The importance is that it says something fundamental and > vastly important about geometry, topology and even physics. And it has > some commercial and technology value because someday we can have a > computer spell out the news to us, sort of like a clock spells out the > time in digital display, and here the news spelled out like some stock > market ticker tape. Golly. It's obviously a major task, but I sure do wish you luck with your attempts to invent a way for computers to display letters and numbers, and possibly even news headlines. So what color of semaphore flags do computers wave in your world? Or does your computer have some sort of McDonalds cash register display where it just shows little pictures of hamburgers and dancing clowns? If so, you might want to look into getting a computer that can display for letters and numbers. March right into Radio Shack and tell them you're not an illiterate, then demand to buy a big-boy computer. Anyway, I honestly hope that someday you manage to invent all the things all of us already use every day. But I'm scared that most of my possessions will suddenly cease to exist if you don't succeed in your quest to invent all the stuff that I take for granted. -- K. Oh, and please don't take this too hard, but your new invention of "someday computers might be able to display news headlines" is + + + | | +--+ +-+-+ + + +--+ + +--+ | | | | | | | | | +--+ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | +--+ +-+ +--+ +--+ + +--+ . | + ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: another hot new catchphrase for the '90s... Date: Tue, 21 Nov 2006 02:19:52 -0500 I just got a bunch of semi-literate Nigerian-style spam that started: -> My name is Brown Johnson and I am an artist. All's I know is that "My name is Brown Johnson and I am an artist" could be this century's "My name is Yon Yohnson and I come from Wisconsin" except you could also yell it out while ass-raping someone. The spam also accused me of living in Australia. -- K. And while we're on the subject of spam, NO, I WOULD NOT LIKE TO PAY MONEY TO A SPAMMER FOR SOME STOLEN SOFTWARE ANY LOSER COULD STEAL FOR FREE, AND NO, COREL DRAW IS NOT AWESOME. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: My personal selection for Most Disturbing Toy Of 2006. Date: Tue, 21 Nov 2006 03:34:47 -0500 A couple days ago, I was in a toy store, and I saw a tattoo kit for small children. Now, I'm not talking about the old-timey lickable temporary tattoos they had when we were kids. This is something new. It's a tattoo gun. For kids. It goes "bzzzzzzzzzz" just like your daddy's tattoo gun, and then you use the vibrating needle to draw on the arm (or forehead) of some other kid your friends are holding down. Of course it's for kids so the needle is just a felt-tip marker to make this completely safe. The box emphasizes that the tattoo ink is non-toxic. You apply it through clear plastic stencils. The box does admit those contain industrial solvents such as toluene, which must be non-toxic when applied to skin because why would a box lie to a negligent parent? It only used to cause nerve damage when absorbed through the skin, but that problem's been solved by the best scientific minds in the toy tattoo gun industry! But otherwise it's completely safe. That's the only detail I remember from a quick read of the box at the mall. (I hope I'm not mis-remembering "benzene" as "toluene" because I'd hate to falsely accuse them of advertising the wrong toxic solvent on their box. I have a responsibility to correctly report the details of the world's dumbest toys.) I would have bought one to play with on crowded subway trains except the toy store was actually charging money for these, so I decided to just continue sneaking up behind people with ordinary Sharpies. I have no objection to kids putting temporary tattoo stickers all over themselves (especially if it keeps them quiet, whether or not the stickers fit over their mouth) but encouraging kids to pretend to stick needles into each other is wrong, especially when it's done using a crappy product which might be even more unsafe than if they used a real needle. It's officially designated for ages "6+", and I'm sure everyone agrees how great it is to encourage six-year-olds to pretend to jab needles into all their former friends. Hyperactive plus hypodermic equals crying. The best part is the photo on the box, showing two kids carefully styled to be the Future Biker Dude and the Future Metalhead Burnout: Tattoo Gun For Tots: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_tattoo_gun_toy.jpg I see many bandannas in their future, long after the end of their lesbian relationship. Note that the product's name is "i-Tattoo" but the tattoo gun actually says "Tat 2" on it because that way the two kids can have a conversation about which name is less awesome while they're waiting for the ink to dry on their new tattoos. Tattoo Gun's Secret Other Name: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_tattoo_gun_toy_2.jpg Too bad we can't see the stencils up close to find out what they say. "Elementary School Sucks"? A heart with "I Love My Babysitter"? "Harley Potter"? I found the instruction book on the Web. Here's an excerpt: Tattoo Gun Instruction Book For First-Graders: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_tattoo_gun_toy_3.gif I like how the instructions for the i-Tattoo Electronic Pen show a picture of the product with its name directly beneath it, in case you get distracted for a tenth of a second while you're opening the box and forget that the battery-operated, vibrating, dildo-shaped dildo is actually supposed to be a pretend scarificator. Why waste your money buying something that basically turns a pen into an expensive pen with a buzzer on the back? Guys, if you really want your kids to draw on each other in order to distract them from yelling "I'M PLAYING POWER RANGERS!" while punching you in the nuts, just get them some washable markers, or for the proper juvie experience, a bent paper clip and a leaky ballpoint pen. And if you do want to spend money on tattoo equipment for the kids, get them a real tattoo gun. Then one day you can wake up with "MY DADDY JUST DOESN'T CARE" written on your face. Or, like the guy at the upper right of the instruction book, you might just get "6+" written where your face used to be. That's if you also bought the kids the companion face-removal surgery kit. (The scalpel blades are dishwasher-safe!) -- K. Bad toys aren't such a big deal. When I was a kid I had all sorts of ill-conceived toys and I'm sure I'll still grow up normal someday. P.S. I lied about sneaking up on people with ordinary Sharpies. I actually buy super-cheap bootleg Sharpies from the Vietnamese discount store in the pornography district. They're $2 for $24 if you don't mind that they don't smell as pleasant as real Sharpies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My personal selection for Most Disturbing Toy Of 2006. Date: Wed, 22 Nov 2006 04:12:52 -0500 Yesterday, I reported on a tattoo gun for tots: i-Tattoo aka Tat 2: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_tattoo_gun_toy_2.jpg Today I noticed that the Discovery Channel Store sells their own branded version of it, with an even less exciting name: Discovery Fashion Buzz Body Art Center: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_tattoo_gun_discov.jpg The strange little transparent stencils (whose ingredients worried me) have been replaced by another type of stencil which is hopefully inert, so I'd say the Discovery version is an improvement, even though the tattoo gun's casing is now in clown colors. But why does it include two scrunchies? Oh, wait, it's not a tattoo gun, it's a "Body Art Center". In other words, it's a tattoo gun plus ten cents' worth of scrunchies. Kids can learn about both types of body art -- tattoos and ponytails. Or maybe the scrunchies are actually Nerf nose rings. The Discovery version costs three dollars more than the normal version, which is a lot to pay for two nose scrunchies which may or may not have already been in some factory worker's nose during the testing process. I was going to buy this toy for my baby until I saw the warning that the tattoo gun is not for babies. From the description at Amazon.com: -> -> Safety warning: This product contains small parts that may -> present a choking hazard for young children. In other words, they're saying you must be over age 3 to have the inside of your throat tattooed with the vibrating penis -- I mean pen. If you're under age 3, putting it in your mouth is a DILDON'T! -- K. I heard that until a few years ago, scrunchies were illegal in Massachusetts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I fail again Date: Tue, 21 Nov 2006 04:32:42 -0500 "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > I just drank some shaving cream shmutz...I needed some water right > away, the bathroom sink had a cup nearby [...] > Seriously, what's in shaving cream shmutz? I don't know and stop calling me that, you schmendrick. Anyway, it probably won't be any worse for you than eating a bar of Lifebuoy soap. Remember the part of "A Christmas Story" where Jean Shepherd went permanently blind from just having one of those in his mouth? Eating it will just give you a worse form of blindness, like one where your eyeballs burst into flames every five minutes for the next thousand years (the side effect of immortality is overrated, as is the other side effect of full-body diarrhea.) Look at it this way, the Tokyo Shock Boys seem to have survived, even though they keep doing things like drinking motor oil. So maybe the worst that could happen is that the stuff gives you massive brain damage and then you have to become a performance artist in a country that respects butoh and other equally worthy forms of art such as guys drinking stuff that people don't drink. Or maybe you'll be okay. UNLESS IT WAS THE MENTHOL-FLAVORED KIND! If so, you're now addicted to cigarettes. -- K. And remember, Conan O'Brien puts Preparation H on his eye bags, so I say try using all drugstore products on all parts of your body. 'Cause you never know, the cure for all known diseases might be toothpaste in your ears. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I fail again Date: Wed, 22 Nov 2006 01:37:42 -0500 "Lots42" (lots42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Anyway, it probably won't be any worse for you than eating a bar of > > Lifebuoy soap. Remember the part of "A Christmas Story" where > > Jean Shepherd went permanently blind from just having one of those > > in his mouth? > > I had my mouth washed out with soap, I dimly remember sitting on the > couch proclaiming I was going die of being poisoned. It was an ugly > couch. It must've been hard to get anyone to buy it at the flea market while you were sitting on it drooling Lifebuoy suds. Or was it Irish Spring? Lava? > Soap was frustrating as a kid. I'd scrub and scrub and scrub and I'd > always be sent back to do it again. UNCLEAN ALL THE WAY TO THE BONE!!! > Same with combs now. I have to keep one in the car because no matter > how much I prepare for the flea market, I've always 'missed a spot'. I'm missing a spot too, and the comb doesn't help. I've looked all over the place and I just can't figure out where the middle third of my hair went. I suspect it was abducted by those same aliens who make the crop circles, but the odd thing is I never felt the tiny flying saucer landing on my head. -- K. Camay? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Another Testament to the Weird Wonder That is Life Date: Tue, 21 Nov 2006 04:45:29 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > Farrah Fawcett has butthole cancer. "Has", or "is"? SHAME ON YOU, DARLA! BUTTHOLE CANCER IS NOT FUNNY! AT LEAST NOT WHEN IT HAPPENS TO SOMEONE WHO WASN'T IN THE MOVIE "LOGAN'S RUN"! > Not colon cancer. Not even rectal cancer. Anal cancer. Butthole cancer. > What position do you have to be in to get radiation for THAT? A-hem. Cue Leonard Nimoy: