This is the first of several galleries of photos I snapped at quality toy stores such as Toys R Us, Kay-Bee, and K-Mart. Toy stores are amazingly rich in things that deserve to be blown up to large size and insulted. Especially the Barbie aisle. But first, I'm going to tackle someone slightly less sinister than Barbie: Darth Vader.
I'm putting up this page about 20 hours before the "Star Wars: Episode I" toys are released, so don't expect to see any photos of stupid toys from the new movie, because I can't wait that long. So please enjoy this gallery of pictures that proves that Darth Vader looks really fake when he's made of plastic.
Ever wonder what's under Darth Vader's mask?
Now you know.
The moment Obi-Wan Kenobi saw the Death Star, he knew that it was a weapon of unimaginable destructive power, with an annoying user interface that required him to hold down tiny buttons while it counted up from 12:00.
...and Obi-Wan also recognized that the enormous Death Star represented a serious choking hazard.
"I feel a great disturbance, as if someone has given the Heimlich to the Force."
Ah, yes, an authentic re-creation of the scene in the movie where Darth Vader goes hang-gliding. While hanging from his neck.
DARTH VADER FLIES LIKE A KITE, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA!
This one's just baffling: a book with thick cardboard pages (as in a baby book) with a rubber Darth Vader action figure with elastic going into his head and out his butt.
Apparently the dramatic conceit here is that every scene takes place in a different location, but no matter where you go, Darth Vader is always standing in the middle of the action. IT'S NOT 3-D, BUT IT'S GOT THAT EFFECT!
But I like this book because it doesn't have any of those boring good guys in it.
New from Good Humor: Frozen scum!
"Waah, Daddy, why did you smash my 'Star Wars' men?"
"Because the box said so."
"Waaaaaah! Daddy, buy me replacements!"
"No, these toys break too easy."
I spent about an hour at The Sharper Image trying to decide what was the stupidest item in the store, and nearly broke my brain. I eventually settled on the Darth Vader telephone, a 3/4-size version of his head which makes breathing noises instead of ringing noises. What sort of full-grown guy would spend that many bucks on a telephone shaped like a fictional character's head? Why, the kind who would buy the other crap in The Sharper Image, of course. Or who would go into The Sharper Image for any reason other than to photograph the bozo stuff.
As you can see from this close-up of the Darth Vader phone, at last we know the truth:
JAMES EARL JONES PHONED IN HIS PERFORMANCE!
I don't have any more photos of Darth Vader in embarassing positions yet, but for now I'd just like to say:
GEORGE LUCAS CLEARLY PLAGIARIZED "STAR WARS" FROM "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"!
...because I want to join that elite group of web sites that have had LucasLawyers thrown at them. It's the ultimate badge of honor among fanboys. That and having a character in a "Star Wars" cartoon named after you, and I've already been there. So sue me!
P.S.: Also, George Lucas deliberately designed the Death Star to be a choking hazard.
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May 2, 1999
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